Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

你看那花儿都谢了 (听 海哭的声音)

你看那海儿都哭了

你知道我会永远永远 (叹惜着谁又被伤了心)

等你给我的回答 (却还不清醒)

Look at the flowers that have wilted (Listen, to the cries of the sea)

Look at the sea that is crying

You know that I will always, always (Crying for someone had their heart broken)

Wait for your answer (But is still unaware) 

- 那片海 & 听海, performed by Zhou Shen and Hacken Lee

Zheng Yunlong should have seen it coming. 

It began with names. Ayunga had always been much more easy-going than Zheng Yunlong, and everywhere he went someone would inevitably wave at him with a smile which he returned with good-humour. And then one day, he didn't. Zheng Yunlong brushed it off at first, not picking up on it amidst the stress of war, but when Ayunga failed to recognise Cai Chengyu - the newest ranger on their team and one of their close friends - Zheng Yunlong knew something was wrong. 

He began noticing a pattern, where Ayunga’s memory loss was the worst just after leaving the Drift. They had just changed Jaegars, leaving Libiamo to the care of the newer rangers and helping the research team try out an experimental prototype. It wasn’t too innovative, just meant to be an upgrade from the Mark-5 models - faster, more resilient, and more powerful than what both rangers were used to piloting. 

As its first pilots, they had the honour of naming the Jaegar, and Ayunga came up with Cloud Atlas after ten minutes of thinking, immensely satisfied with himself. 

They went to Li Qi, the head of Cloud Atlas’ research team, with their complaint and he received it with no little shock.

“Memory loss has never been reported in a two-pilot Jaegar, only early single pilot models,” he said with a frown.

“Maybe it has to do with the increased specs of Cloud Atlas. It’s much better than older models, yes, but it’s also far more exhausting. I wouldn't be surprised if it's much more taxing on the neural bridge than the Fives,” Zheng Yunlong considered. 

Both of them turned to Ayunga expectantly, but he only shrugged. “I guess? Feels all the same to me.”

“We’ll put a pause on the programme and work on improving it, then,” Li Qi said distractedly, mind already preoccupied with finding a solution, “I'm so sorry, this was completely unforeseen. In the meantime, make sure you keep track of the state of his memory. It’s a good thing you came to me early.” 

Ayunga’s memory did get better over the next few days, to the point where they could pretend like the incident never happened, leaving it as a funny anecdote to tell to the younger rangers. 

But then the Kaijus came. 

They had already seen a steady increase in the frequency of Kaiju appearances when the Cloud Atlas experiment commenced, but things only got worse. In the past, they could have easily gone two months without a monster appearing, but now they were averaging two weeks. A noose had been cast around their necks and it was slowly tightening. 

“Cloud Atlas needs to go back online.” The Marshal of the Shanghai Shatterdome eventually summoned them to say, in between their frantic deployments.

“No-” Zheng Yunlong objected immediately, but Ayunga placed a hand on his thigh.

“Yes, Marshal. We’ll let Li Qi know about this.”

Zheng Yunlong had refused to talk to Ayunga for an entire day, something they could ill-afford when they were so strapped on time. Ayunga was the first to cave, and sought Zheng Yunlong out. 

"I'm not going to let you pilot that thing," Zheng Yunlong said defiantly. But Ayunga only reached for his hand, rubbing small circles into the back of his palm.

"Dalong, don't be rash. We might be winning now, but even you must know that it's been by a slimmer and slimmer margin. They're getting stronger and we'll only get more tired."

"For once in your life, can you have a sense of self-preservation? First it eats at your memories, then what next? What if it causes permanent damage?"

"Silly man. If we die fighting the Kaijus I won't have any life left to remember anyway. Plus, we've proven that my memories can come back with time. I promise you that if anything worse happens I'll stop piloting, hm?" 

He wasn't convinced, so Ayunga leaned forward and pressed a reassuring kiss between his brows.

"I'll be fine, Dalong. I told you I’ll be with you forever. I’ll be okay, I promise."

(Afterwards, Zheng Yunlong always wondered how he could have been naive enough to believe that.)

So back to Li Qi they went. The head researcher had initially refused to even consider the idea, but there was nothing he could do in the face of the Marshal's orders and the pilots' apparent willingness. 

~

"Godspeed. I hope it's worth it." Li Qi's voice came through their earpiece as the Jaegar began its startup sequence around them. Before either of them could respond, they were rudely pulled into the Drift.

Now that Zheng Yunlong knew what to look for, he could easily sense something amiss. Both of them had always Drifted seamlessly, navigating the shared neural connection as if they had been born to be co-pilots. But this time there was a subtle difference. Instead of simply inhabiting the Drift space, it felt as though his mind had to bear the weight of it, and he had to actively focus to ensure that his connection didn't break. 

He tried to reach out to Ayunga with his mind and reeled at what he found. It was obvious that Ayunga was giving much more than Zheng Yunlong in order to keep their neural bridge sustained, as though both of them were carrying a huge boulder and Ayunga had pulled it towards him, trying to relieve the strain from his co-pilot. But Zheng Yunlong didn't have the time to think about it any more as they were launched into the open sea and in front of a several hundred foot tall monster.

The battle had gone incredibly smoothly, which was unsurprising given the sheer power Cloud Atlas had. It almost felt too easy now, when they were able to dodge every blow and deliver the killing strike effortlessly, lightning quick and both pilots perfectly synchronous. The Kaiju fell over like a ruined house of cards, and they returned to the Shatterdome in record time.

He was only reminded of the problem again during the debrief, when Li Qi pulled up the charts of their neural activity during the drift.

"In every way, Gazi's brain was far more active during the Drift, but especially in the hippocampus and prefrontal cortex. It's inexplicable; I don’t think I’ve ever seen such an unequal Drift."

Zheng Yunlong looked at the two thin lines on the graph in horror, dismaying at the wide gap between him and Ayunga. It looked like a cruel parody of a child's drawing, with Ayunga's stats forming the sharp peaks of a mountain, and Zheng Yunlong's the grassy plains at its foot.

"Is there any way you can fix it?" Zheng Yunlong asked urgently.

"I have a suspicion," Li Qi began apprehensively, but dropped the line of thought as he cast a level look between both of them. "Never mind, there's no use speculating where the problem is. Gazi, what did it feel like for you?”

“Definitely more exhausting,” Ayunga answered shortly, eyes evasive. 

“More than exhausting, it was literally draining, as though the Drift was drawing energy from our minds and memories. Gazi, didn’t you feel like you were bearing most of the weight?” 

“I don’t think so, I wasn’t paying attention,” Ayunga’s eyes had still refused to meet his, intensely interested in the patterns on the floor tiles. Zheng Yunlong knew him well enough to put two and two together.

“You’re not telling us something. This wasn’t intentional, was it? You’re taking on the weight yourself?” Zheng Yunlong accused, fear and anger forming a confusing mix in his heart. Ayunga shifted his weight uncomfortably.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about," he dismissed, the words falling out of his mouth in rapid succession. "It’s a new system, there are bound to be defects.”

“Oh, blame the system and problem solved, huh? This isn’t a game, Gazi.” 

“Tell that to yourself! People’s lives are on the line, Dalong, we need to do this.”

“Then let me share the weight with you. We are co-pilots for a reason!"

"And I'm telling you that I don't know how!"

"Then piloting Cloud Atlas is off the table!” Zheng Yunlong slammed his palm against the desk, voice close to yelling.

“If you’re going to raise your voice, Zheng Yunlong, I’d appreciate it if you did it somewhere outside of my office,” Li Qi remarked coolly, cutting through the tense atmosphere. Zheng Yunlong’s gaze darted between him and Ayunga, hurt and betrayal flashing across his features. He turned on his heel and stormed out of the room without another word. 

“...Gazi,” Li Qi addressed the other pilot wearily after a tense silence, “I didn't want to confirm what he said, but it's very likely he's right. Nothing like this has ever happened in all the preliminary tests we ran for Cloud Atlas. You know better than me that piloting is all about giving and taking, and it seems like you are giving much more than you should be.”

“I wasn't lying. I can’t help it,” Ayunga whispered, eyes sad. “I don’t know how to stop it, even if I wanted to. ”

“Look, I’m the last person who should be giving you relationship advice, but you need to think about Dalong too. I don’t know how your memories are going to be affected - maybe they’ll come back, but what if they don’t? You can’t do that to him.” 

“I know, of course I know.” Ayunga said helplessly, pressing his face into his hands, brows furrowed in consternation. “But when I’m in the Drift all I can think about is protecting him. I can’t let go.”

“If you keep giving and giving eventually you’ll have nothing left,” Li Qi sighed. “You will break and he will have to pick the pieces up.”

“Then all we can hope for is that the Kaijus stop appearing,” Ayunga replied grimly.

~

This time Zheng Yunlong didn’t speak to him for four whole days before he sprinted to the Drivesuit room to the blare of alarms. Ayunga was already there, technicians helping him into his black polycarbonate armor. 

“We’re not taking Cloud Atlas.” Zheng Yunlong stood in place stubbornly, arms folded.

“The hell you’re not.” The Marshal’s voice came over his earpiece as the technicians wired him into the communications network. “Our Kaiju friend's just been upgraded from a Cat II to a Cat IV, and by God, she’s a big one. If you refuse to pilot, let me know how you’ll sleep at night with a million innocent deaths on your conscience.” 

“We can take two Jaegars, we’ve done it before.”

“Libiamo ’s under maintenance and 1975 ... I don’t know about you, but I’m not about to send greenhorns to fight a Four if I don’t need to. Ranger Zheng Yunlong, get into Cloud Atlas and fight, that is an order .”

“...Yes, sir.” Zheng Yunlong hissed after a long moment, gritting his teeth in frustration. Silently, he cursed the Kaijus, the Marshal, and every single decision that had led him to this very moment. Ayunga sensed his anger, and walked over to hug him, albeit rather awkwardly with the layers of hard armor separating them. 

“I’ll try. I promise you I’ll try.” 

Zheng Yunlong wanted to catch his eye for a moment more, but they had wasted more than enough time as it was. They hurried into the cockpit, performing the necessary checks and giving the control station the green light before awaiting the Jaegar’s launch. Zheng Yunlong looked across the small distance between them with pleading eyes. 

“Gazi, please, you can’t do this alone.”

The last thing he saw was Gazi’s sad smile before they were pulled into the Drift, tripping head first into a sea of memories and emotions even as his body stayed frozen still. They launched almost immediately after, transport helicopters ferrying them into the open sea. Again Zheng Yunlong felt the unequal Drift, and he reached out to Ayunga with his mind. 

Gazi, you promised me. 

There was no response, so Zheng Yunlong persisted. The Drift was a connection, a shared space between them, and whatever Ayunga felt Zheng Yunlong could feel too. So he reached and reached, sifting through a mountain of memory snippets to get to his co-pilot, knocking over every wall that Ayunga had put up as if they were made of paper. 

What greeted him was a tidal wave of guilt and shame. Guilt, for all the empty promises Ayunga had made to Zheng Yunlong. Shame, for not being able to protect the one he loved the most. Ayunga had been drowning in it, and now Zheng Yunlong was too, in helplessness and anguish and abject misery. 

Zheng Yunlong tried to tug at him with his mind, to pull him from the riptide of emotion that had trapped him whole, but Ayunga wouldn’t let him. He clung onto the Drift, holding his ground stubbornly as he wallowed in his own suffering. As if victory couldn’t be achieved without sacrifice and he was the necessary martyr. 

The darkness reached its claws out to Zheng Yunlong too, and soon he was suffocating in it, unable to think about anything else except the anguish that was rising in his chest like a knife and that was threatening to tear him apart from the inside-

Suddenly Zheng Yunlong was back to the present, a sharp pain shooting up his left rib. 

“Ranger Zheng, what in the fuck are you doing?” Came a yell in his earpiece, the Marshal’s voice brimming with fury. 

Zheng Yunlong looked up to find a three-hundred foot tall monster right in front of Cloud Atlas . It was a grotesque, ugly thing, with far too many eyes and hideously sharp teeth. Having just landed a successful strike, it was rearing back for another one, and they were only saved when Ayunga launched a missile from the Jaegar’s right palm, knocking back the Kaiju and buying them a precious few seconds. 

We’ll talk later. Fight first. Ayunga’s voice materialised in his mind, as though he had thought up the words himself. Zheng Yunlong shook himself mentally and both of them returned the Jaeger to its feet. It was time to fight. 

Unlike their colleagues overseas, the Fightmasters of the Shanghai Shatterdome had always seen hand-to-hand combat with the Kaijus as a last resort, preferring to let their students achieve mastery in weapons first. Both co-pilots of Cloud Atlas had grown up on Shaolin movies and had always wanted to use Chinese weaponry, and Li Qi had obliged them by furnishing the Jaegar with the modern equivalent of a dao. He had tried to explain to them the exact science behind it, but it had flown right over their heads. All they knew was that it was unbreakable, hellishly hot, and brilliant at cutting down Kaijus. 

Both of them crouched down into a defensive stance, a several dozen-foot long dao in each hand, anticipating the swipe of the Kaiju’s claw. Its meaty palm came down, easily the span of a cargo container, and they deflected it with the cross of both blades above their head. But instead of exposing its tender underbelly like they expected, it used the momentum to lash its long tail out at them.

Zheng Yunlong tried to block it with a slice of the dao , but it only dulled the impact slightly as it crashed into the Jaegar’s knee, sending a bolt of pain up both pilots’ left legs. The world spun as they crashed into the water, landing painfully against the seafloor. Their control panel lit up like a Christmas tree, flashing with a dozen different warning lights. 

The Kaiju followed up immediately with a leap, and they scrambled to right themselves so they could meet it head-on, just managing to lift the Jaegar’s legs up to kick it away before it landed on them. 

They hurried to their feet, a heavy sense of dread spreading through both of them. What most people didn’t know was that the Kaijus were smart, incredibly so, capable of adapting to every fighting style that humanity threw their way. Zheng Yunlong and Ayunga were both aware of this, but that didn’t lessen their feeling of getting caught off guard when they discovered it the hard way. 

As they watched the Kaiju get up, a plan started formulating between them, quick as lightning. They settled into a half crouch again, both blades held out in front of them. With a deafening screech, the Kaiju dropped onto all fours, charging at a full sprint towards the Jaeger, sending the seawater spraying up in great waves. The ground beneath them shook terribly and then didn’t, as the monster leapt up again, aiming straight for the Jaeger’s core. The pilots held their stance, ready to absorb the shock of the impact, but at the very last second they dropped both dao s and turned, missing the Kaiju by a hair’s breadth.

As the Kaiju soared past them, they slammed their hand down against its back, forcing it straight into the water. They moved in to kneel on its back, keeping it pinned in place. 

“Plasma cannon! ” Zheng Yunlong heard Ayunga yell, and the cockpit’s control system responded immediately, morphing their free hand into a deadly cannon. They held it against the Kaiju’s back and fired and fired and fired, lighting up the water into an incandescent blue. It stopped moving. 

Both pilots stumbled back from the monster’s carcass in utter exhaustion. It had been a short fight, but it had still taken the air out of their lungs.

“Get the cleanup crew in. We’re done here,” Ayunga said wearily. 

“They’re already on their way, good job guys,” a different person came over their communications system this time. Both of them were more than familiar with Zhou Shen’s voice, and it gave them no small comfort. His appointment as an officer in the Local Command Centre, LOCCENT, was relatively recent, but he had taken to it like a fish to water. 

“Shenshen, get us off the neural bridge,” Zheng Yunlong said impatiently.

“Are you sure? If anything happens, establishing the neural handshake from such a distance away will be dangerous.” 

“I’m sure. I can’t stay in Drift any longer.” 

Zhou Shen complied wordlessly, but Zheng Yunlong could still imagine his frown during the silence. They were released from the Drift unceremoniously, and it felt as though Zheng Yunlong’s spirit had returned to his body, no longer linked as it was to Ayunga and Cloud Atlas . 

“Done. You need to tell me ASAP if-” Zhou Shen said worriedly, but Zheng Yunlong didn’t bother listening, removing his helmet and tearing his earpiece off, leaving it dangling pathetically. He walked to the wall in front of them and sat down, slouching against its surface.

“You’d said we’d talk. So go on. Talk,” Zheng Yunlong said tiredly. Ayunga removed his helmet as well and fiddled with it, sighing.

“I knew what you saw while we Drifted. There’s nothing to say.” Ayunga stepped forward but then decided against it, standing in place as he looked at Zheng Yunlong hesitantly.

“Is that what you’ve been feeling all along? Guilt? Shame? Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I didn’t know how.” 

“So you just kept it to yourself?” Zheng Yunlong leaned his head against the wall, the mental and physical exhaustion finally catching up to him and forcing tears into his eyes. He reached his hand out to Ayunga. “Come here.”

Ayunga sagged, relieved, and walked over to take his hand. Zheng Yunlong tugged him downwards, and Ayunga sat with his head buried in the crook of his neck. 

“It’s like a whirlpool. The more I fight it the more exhausted I get. I can’t help it,” Ayunga admitted, voice small. 

“I didn’t know. I- I’m sorry I got mad at you. It wasn’t fair. I just- It’s just-” Zheng Yunlong floundered, trying desperately to find the right words.

“I know,” Ayunga murmured into the warm skin of Zheng Yunlong’s neck, damp with sweat. “I know. I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant to.”

“Gazi,” he whispered back, pressing his nose against Ayunga’s hair. “I hate this.” 

Ayunga removed his gloves and brought his bare hand up to cup Zheng Yunlong’s cheek. His fingers were cold. “You don't have to do this, you know. I'm sure they could find me someone else who's Drift compatible."

"Mention that in front of me again and I'll break both your legs so you can't run away from me even if you tried," Zheng Yunlong sniffed, removing his gloves as well and wiping the tears from his eyes. 

"I wouldn't dream of it," Ayunga replied humorously, and the tension in the air dissolved instantly.

Zheng Yunlong turned his head and pressed his lips into Ayunga’s palm. “After this is over we’re going to take a long holiday somewhere and I’ll finally have the time to yell at you like you deserve.”

“If we both end up dying does that mean you’ll yell at me in heaven for all eternity?”

“You can count on it,” Zheng Yunlong joked back, and they both laughed softly. Nothing about their situation had changed, but it always felt better to be on the same side.

“We’ll be fine, Dalong. We’ll be fine,” Ayunga comforted, leaning up to press a kiss against Zheng Yunlong’s jaw. Zheng Yunlong turned his head to brush their lips together, relief and exhaustion rushing over him like a tsunami.

“For both our sakes, I hope so.”

~

It was almost comical how different the atmosphere was when they returned. The technicians had picked up on the thawing of tensions, and their relief spread infectiously. After they de-suited, Zheng Yunlong waved Li Qi away. 

"Whatever you have to say can wait for later, Qiqi. I could kill for a nap now and you’re too clever to die young," Zheng Yunlong yawned, tugging the hand that was interlaced with Ayunga's. Li Qi rolled his eyes, far too used to their lovers' spats, and wished them a good rest. 

Zheng Yunlong continued to keep their hands intertwined as they navigated the long hallways of the Shatterdome back to Ayunga's room. As two of the most senior rangers in Shanghai, they each had the privilege of a private room each, but Zheng Yunlong had always preferred staying in Ayunga's. For one, there was someone there to physically drag him out of bed when he overslept, for another, Ayunga didn't threaten to kick his lover out of his room every ten minutes the same way Zheng Yunlong always did. All things considered, it was pretty good. 

Closing the door behind them, Zheng Yunlong changed into a new set of clothes briskly before climbing into bed. It was a sign of Ayunga's tiredness that he didn't complain, merely grabbing a set of clothes and stepping into the en-suite for a quick shower. He got into bed shortly after, gathering a half-asleep Zheng Yunlong in his arms. 

"Took you long enough," Zheng Yunlong grumbled, pulling Ayunga closer and throwing his leg across his torso. Ayunga’s skin was warm from the shower, and Zheng Yunlong leaned up for a lazy kiss, licking into his mouth unhurriedly.

"Unlike someone, I have a sense of personal hygiene," Ayunga replied indulgently, running his hand through his lover's hair. They settled into a tired silence, and Ayunga thought Zheng Yunlong had fallen asleep until he spoke. 

"Sorry I ignored you these past few days. I missed this. I missed you," Zheng Yunlong admitted softly against the fabric of Ayunga’s shirt.

"I missed you too," Ayunga replied honestly, hugging Zheng Yunlong tighter and kissing his forehead. “And don’t be sorry, I deserved it.”

“It’s not your fault. If I had to blame anyone I would blame those stupid fucking Kaijus,” he murmured, vehemence softened by the sleepiness in his voice. Ayunga’s hand dropped to the back of his neck, massaging it in reassurance. Zheng Yunlong let out a noise that sounded like a cat’s purr and snuck his hand under Ayunga’s shirt, relishing the feel of his skin.

“The best way to fight them is by getting a good rest. Good night, I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Good night.”

A long time passed until Ayunga heard Zheng Yunlong’s breathing even out into something steady, the latter often having trouble finding sleep. Ayunga let the turmoil that he had been keeping away tightly unfurl in his chest, finally allowing himself to feel. He bit his lip to muffle his sobs as the tears rolled from his eyes, unstoppable now that the dam had been released. 

The truth was, his memories were going much faster than he admitted to anyone. He could only vaguely remember the head researcher - Qiqi, as Zheng Yunlong had called him - and Shenshen , the voice over their communications system earlier today. He had faint impressions about them that were painfully lodged at the tip of his tongue, an infuriating deja vu, but he couldn’t piece them together however hard he tried. He only had random memories, a quilt hastily patched together with poor workmanship.

He was never a religious man but still he prayed, unsure of who he was praying to, and uncertain of what he was praying for. Perhaps prayer was the wrong word - it was more of a plea, to keep the man in his arms safe from harm, to spare him pain. 

He begged the world to be kind to them for once in their goddamn lives and he begged, to whoever that was listening, that fate would be kind to Zheng Yunlong. 

~

When Zheng Yunlong woke up he felt worse for wear, battered and grimy. As always, he should have listened to Ayunga and washed up before going to bed. Dim light filtered through the gap in the curtains, and Zheng Yunlong opened his heavy eyelids to find Ayunga still asleep, a rare sight. It was cozy and warm and incredibly difficult to leave, but the dried sweat on his skin was starting to itch slightly. 

He tried his best not to disturb Ayunga as he wriggled out of bed, but he still did. Ayunga turned lazily and reached his arms out to where Zheng Yunlong once was, but his hands only found empty space. He pouted sulkily. Zheng Yunlong couldn’t help but smile, leaning down to kiss the corner of Ayunga’s eye.

“I’ll be back before you know it.” 

Ayunga’s only reply was a groan, and Zheng Yunlong filched a new set of clothes from his wardrobe with a laugh. He was unexpectedly light on his feet after a good night’s sleep, singing happily in the shower. 

“Dalong? I think you got a message.” Ayunga’s voice was heavy with sleep. 

“What’s it say?” Zheng Yunlong stopped the water and grabbed his towel, drying his body perfunctorily before toweling his hair. He stepped out of the bathroom to find Ayunga holding the small communication device that they were all assigned, face marred in confusion. 

“Anything wrong?” he asked again, worried about the lack of response. 

“Wang Xi says we need to meet him as soon as we can,” Ayunga said, expression still puzzled. 

“Fair. We have a meeting with Li Qi that’s overdue too,” he acknowledged, returning to the bathroom to slip on his clothes before reaching for his toothbrush. He walked back out as he brushed his teeth, sizing Ayunga up through slitted eyes.

“Do you remember Wang Xi?” Zheng Yunlong asked, rather unwillingly. He hated the reminder of Ayunga’s condition, but he supposed it was better to confirm what Ayunga did and did not know rather than willfully ignoring it.

“Uh, yeah, of course,” Ayunga said completely unconvincingly, and Zheng Yunlong sighed. He returned to the sink to rinse out the toothpaste and splash his face with water, reemerging for good this time with a small towel pressed to his face. 

“Wang Xi’s the head of J-Tech - that’s Jaeger-Tech,” Zheng Yunlong said, then paused and chewed his lip in consideration. He continued, deciding that it wasn’t fair to dictate what Ayunga should or shouldn’t remember, “He was formerly a ranger, mostly piloting Crescent Moon with Zhou Shen.”

“I think I might remember. We were fighting with them, weren’t we? Against a Cat Four, wasn’t it?” Ayunga’s brows knitted together even further, as he forced the details from his memories. 

“And that was the last time they piloted together. They suddenly stopped moving, and Hawthorn - that’s the Kaiju we were fighting - tore their Jaegar to shreds. We saved them just in time. The researchers said they had suddenly de-drifted, but both of them refused to talk about it afterwards. You were closer to Shenshen then, so you would know better than me.” 

“And Crescent Moon being out of commission meant the teams had to be reshuffled? That we had to accelerate the development of Cloud Atlas and bring in… what was it called? Oh, 1975 . With the four boys.”

Zheng Yunlong smiled encouragingly as he tossed his laundry into a basket and hung his towel up to dry. “Yup. There are several people on Libiamo’s roster now: Ma Jia, Jia Fan… I think they just brought in Caicai too, since he just graduated from the Academy.” 

Ayunga nodded casually, as if he understood. Zheng Yunlong wasn’t fooled, but he didn’t want to bombard him with all the names at once. Instead, he rolled onto his side of the bed and picked up his phone. 

“Your turn to wash up. We’ll leave after,” Zheng Yunlong said, tapping open one of the games on his home screen. Ayunga got up after a long moment, gathering his clothes before making for the en-suite bathroom. Though he still held his phone above his face, Zheng Yunlong still peered out of the corner of his eyes at Ayunga’s retreating back, worry once again creeping into his heart. 

~

Wang Xi met them together with Gao Tianhe, the head of K-Science. From the moment Zheng Yunlong stepped into the room, he knew that they knew.

“We don’t have a lot of time, so I’ll cut to the point. We’ve briefed the other pilots already, but we’re meeting you two separately because of Gazi’s… situation. We thought it would be wise to keep the rest from knowing for as long as possible,” Gao Tianhe began briskly. Zheng Yunlong’s fist clenched on the table top, and Ayunga’s hand came up to cover it. Gao Tianhe noticed it with some alarm.

“Shit, I didn’t mean it like that, I apologise-” Gao Tianhe backtracked nervously.

“You’re not wrong,” Wang Xi cut in with a heavy sigh, then turned to address both pilots. “Cloud Atlas is J-Tech’s creation, so all this is my fault. I’m sorry. But no number of apologies can hide the fact that that Jaegar is the only thing that can stop the certain destruction of Shanghai.” 

Zheng Yunlong had wanted to say something cutting, but he took in Wang Xi’s features, the dark circles around his eyes, the lines of stress that creased his face, and let it go. It wasn’t as though getting angry again would do anything.

“Just tell us what we’re here for,” Ayunga said. 

“Right,” Gao Tianhe said, clearing his throat, “We’ve received word from our colleagues in Hong Kong that they’ve successfully drifted with a Kaiju .”

Despite his simmering frustration, Zheng Yunlong couldn’t help but exclaim in surprise. Who the hell would be crazy enough to do that?

“There are many fascinating things that they’ve learnt about the Kaijus, but I won’t bore you with superfluous information. The most important thing is that this increased frequency of Kaiju appearances isn’t just happening in Shanghai - we’re seeing it all along the Ring of Fire. Hong Kong tells us the Kaijus are trying to test our defenses.”

“The silver lining through all of this,” Wang Xi added with a grimace, “Is that this current wave will end soon. Current predictions put it at five weeks, but until then we’ll just keep seeing more and more of the bastards. Maybe even hours apart. It won’t be easy, especially on the two of you.”

Zheng Yunlong leaned back in his seat, arms crossed. This was far from good news, but at least it put an end date on this nightmare. That was better than having it stretch on forever. 

“The Marshal better give us a year long holiday after all this bullshit is over,” Zheng Yunlong huffed, sweeping his fringe to the side testily. 

“You and me both, Dalong,” Wang Xi sighed. 

~

It was a race against time and unfortunately for him, Zheng Yunlong never quite liked running. It was a tricky thing, because every new Kaiju appearance meant they were one step closer to the end, but it also meant Cloud Atlas chipping away at Ayunga’s memories, one fragment at a time. 

Zheng Yunlong didn’t like it, of course he didn’t. But he knew exactly what was on the line right now, and he knew that his co-pilot would rather give up his life than give up control of their Jaegar at a time like this. So he had to be there. He had no choice.  

Ayunga had become uncharacteristically withdrawn as his surroundings became increasingly foreign to him, people and places gradually fading from his memories. Zheng Yunlong didn’t have much time to think about it because the Kaijus were refusing to let them catch a break, and soon their time was distilled down to sleeping, eating and fighting. 

There was also another reason why they kept to themselves: word had spread like wildfire over what was happening to Ranger Ayunga, and if Zheng Yunlong had to be on the end of one more pitiful stare, he would punch a hole through the wall. He wasn’t sure his salary could afford the reparation fee. 

When they did have time to breathe, they talked, Zheng Yunlong trying his best to figure out the extent of Ayunga’s memory loss, which was less than promising. The most recent memories, those of the people and events at the Shatterdome, were hazy at best to him. There were occasions or impressions that stood out to him sometimes, but he couldn’t match them to names or faces. 

Eventually Zheng Yunlong told him to journal down what he remembered. For one, it would be much easier to keep track of Ayunga’s memories. For another, Zheng Yunlong didn’t think he could withstand a thousand little heartbreaks, cutting into him every day. It was like watching fragments of Ayunga’s very soul fade away, and Zheng Yunlong didn’t have enough strength to run after each of them. 

He held Ayunga tighter and tighter every night. 

The days that they had in between each deployment turned into mere hours. Zheng Yunlong dreaded the sight of the Jaegar at this point, and fell into a fitful sleep every night, body tense and waiting for the shrill screech of the alarms. Ayunga seemed tireless in these moments, diligently typing away at his computer, writing out his impromptu autobiography. 

And then, the Kaiju appearances that ran like clockwork stopped. An hour passed from the expected time, then another, and another. It seemed the entire Shatterdome had its breath held, but this reprieve wasn’t a relief. It was the calm before the storm. 

Neither of Cloud Atlas’ pilots were willing to venture out to investigate, so they remained in bed. 

“So this is it, huh. The final showdown,” Zheng Yunlong joked, but it came out flat. He felt tense in spite of himself, and he pulled his lover closer, listening to the steady beat of Ayunga’s heart. Ayunga’s lips were pressed into a thin line, looking as though he wanted to say something but still keeping silent. In the quiet, sleep tugged at the corner of Zheng Yunlong’s mind and he gave himself over willingly, sinking into the warm comfort of slumber. 

It was a brilliant day at the amusement park, the kind that was featured in every tourist brochure with smiling families and picturesque photos. It felt like the set of a rom-com, with him and Ayunga daring each other to go on different rides, buying tooth-rotting candy, and goofing around at the games booths, splurging their money but winning absolutely nothing. It was almost dusk now, and Ayunga pulled Zheng Yunlong over to the ferris wheel, insisting that they just had to catch the sunrise from there. 

Zheng Yunlong refused resolutely, his fear of heights gripping his insides, but Ayunga had been equally stubborn, and before he knew it, Zheng Yunlong was grudgingly agreeing to the stupid thing. 

It wasn’t very high at all, and Ayunga had been right - the view was spectacular. Both of them craned their necks over the railings of their tiny cabin, enjoying the way the brilliant crimson of the sun mixed beautifully with the purple of the coming night. 

He looked at Ayunga and they smiled at each other brilliantly. He felt overwhelmed with love and orange-gold happiness.

Suddenly, their world rocked as something came crashing into the ferris wheel.

The ground beneath them shook violently, and the blood in Zheng Yunlong’s head roared as he saw Ayunga, who had been half-over the railing, tumble out. 

Zheng Yunlong’s reaction was pure instinct, and he dove after Ayunga, just managing to catch his wrist. Ayunga dangled in the air, and looking at the distance between him and the ground made Zheng Yunlong’s blood freeze. 

Now Zheng Yunlong was the one half-out of the cabin, and his stomach screamed in pain from where it was jammed against the railing. He reached out two hands to steady his grip and pulled, but it was a futile task. His elbows had barely bent before they gave out. Below him, the cabin began to tilt alarmingly. 

Ayunga’s eyes, in the sea of turmoil, were calm. Zheng Yunlong could only focus on them, trying valiantly to block out everything else. Ayunga’s lips began to move, but it was difficult to hear. 

“... go… me…. Let go of me… Dalong, let go of me… “

“Dalong, let go of me!” Ayunga’s voice was frantic, pulling Zheng Yunlong back into the real world. In his nightmare his grip on Ayunga had become unbearably tight, and he was pushing Zheng Yunlong away, fighting to get blood flowing back into his numb limbs. 

Zheng Yunlong struggled to get his bearings after the tumult of emotions his dream had put him through. Right, Ayunga was there with him, lying in bed and not dangling several storeys high in the air. He let out a shaky breath. 

“Fuck off. It took me so long to get you, I’m not letting go that easily,” Zheng Yunlong sulked, pulling Ayunga’s waist back into his arms and resting his own forehead against his cheek. Ayunga’s lips thinned, but he didn’t want to push the issue.

“Dalong, I-” But Ayunga never got to finish his sentence, as the expected sirens finally came to life, so loud they could practically feel it in their bones. Both of them let out an aggrieved breath. 

“I love you,” Ayunga eventually settled on, and pressed their lips together, pouring what he wanted to say and what he didn’t dare to into that kiss. Zheng Yunlong didn’t want it to end, but they didn’t have any time to lose, and he squeezed Ayunga’s torso tightly before throwing the covers off both of them. 

~

“It’s three against three. At least they know how to fight fair,” Zhou Shen’s voice was unusually grave over the communications system. “We’ve got a Cat Two, Three and Four. Your orders are to get rid of the Two quickly while 1975 distract the Four. Then you’ll be their knight in shining armor. Libiamo will take care of the last one.”

“Roger that,” Zheng Yunlong replied, palms beginning to sweat as the wide ocean came rushing below them. This was it - the finish line was right in sight. 

“Dalong,” Ayunga broke his silence, clearly intending on saying what he hadn’t managed to back at the Shatterdome. “I’m sorry I put you through all of this.”

“Save it,” Zheng Yunlong bit out, sharper than he intended. He sighed wearily and softened his tone, “You can tell me all about it when we're done. I would have done the same thing if I were you. I don’t blame you, really.” 

“I’m still sorry,” Ayunga said shakily. 

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Zheng Yunlong murmured, turning to meet Ayunga’s worried gaze. “I love you.” 

Ayunga’s eyes bore into his, desperate to make him understand the full depth of his feelings. “I love you too. Just one last one. Let’s do this.” 

“I’ve marked out your target on your navigation system. Good luck,” Zhou Shen’s voice cut in, as though he hadn’t just overheard everything they had said. 

The Kaiju they were against was noticeably smaller than the other two, and they approached it with laser-like focus. Cloud Atlas unsheathed its dao's with practiced ease, the weight familiar in both pilots’ hands. The fight was on. 

Their orders were to end things quickly, so they took the offensive, charging in with both blades raised. They felt the satisfying resistance of dao against meat as their attacks came down on each of the Kaiju’s shoulders, and the creature howled in pain. The Kaiju stumbled back and they pressed their advantage, using their momentum to spin, coming around and slicing at it again, both blades carving a deep gash in the Kaiju’s chest. 

The Kaiju leapt at them, but was soon sent flying in the other direction as Cloud Atlas raised its leg and delivered a crushing blow to its chest. The monster barely managed to stumble to its feet, clearly badly injured, and the pilots took the chance to close the gap between them, swinging both blades behind the Kaiju’s neck, and using them as hooks to slam the creature’s head towards the Jaegar’s knee. They collided with a painfully loud crack , the Kaiju going limp in Cloud Atlas’ hands. 

Traditionally, the dao was meant for slicing rather than piercing, with its sharp but curved blade. But the laws of physics weren’t so particular about details, and if you stabbed something into something else with enough force, your weapon would either break or go through.

Both pilots tossed the monster aside before ramming one of their daos through its grotesque body. The Kaiju lay motionless, pinned down like a butterfly on display.

“1975 need your help, quick!” They didn’t have a moment to catch their breath before Zhou Shen’s urgent voice came through their earpiece. They turned to the direction he indicated to find that the Category Four Kaiju had climbed on top of 1975 , tearing at it with its ugly claws. Cloud Atlas dropped its other dao and began running without a second thought, watching in horror as the Kaiju ripped out one of 1975 ’s four arms, tossing it aside like a dog with a chew toy. Unable to bear the weight, 1975 stumbled backwards, the monster bearing down on them from above. 

His earpiece came to life, and he heard a harsh curse in Fang Shujian’s voice. Zhou Shen must have connected both Jaegar’s communications networks. 

“Boys, status report!” Zheng Yunlong roared. Cloud Atlas pounced forward to catch the Kaiju by its side, dislodging it from its position above 1975. Now the positions were reversed, and the Jaegar was above the Kaiju, sending its mechanical fist into the monster’s face. The Kaiju struggled fiercely and lashed out its powerful tail, knocking Cloud Atlas aside and sending them scrambling for purchase. 

“Don’t worry about us. There’s water coming into the hull but we can still fight. What’s the plan, Long-ge? ” Zhang Chao’s typically calm voice was tense with worry. 

Ayunga and Zheng Yunlong had both been rangers for a comparatively long time, and they had seen the four-pilot experiment from its inception to the Jaegar standing in front of them. They couldn’t help but keep a curious ear on the project’s developments, from the prototyping to the construction to the Drift testing and finally to the selection of pilots. They had watched the 1975 pilots grow from cadets into fully-fledged rangers, and as their seniors, had stepped in many times to provide guidance and support. 

In short, they were like the younger brothers that Zheng Yunlong never had, and the little nephews that Ayunga did have, and treasured dearly. 

Both pilots of Cloud Atlas sized up the Kaiju as it stood up and gave a mighty roar. Its hide looked like armor and probably served the same purpose, making it resistant against bladed attacks. Zheng Yunlong bit his lip in annoyance. 

“We need to use blunt force, crack it open like a turtle’s shell,” Ayunga replied gruffly. 

“But how? It’s too damn fast, we won’t be able to get a good hit on it,” Huangzi Hongfan questioned in his trademark rapid-fire speech.

“Then we’ll hold it down, and you will attack,” Ayunga said. 

“But-”

“We’re in one piece. We have the strength. Those are your orders,” Zheng Yunlong snapped, mind perfectly in step with Ayunga. If anyone had to face the Kaiju head on, it would be them. 

But before they could react, the Kaiju dove into the ocean, its powerful tail helping it cut through the water, swift as a lightning bolt. It must have thought that Cloud Atlas was the bigger threat, and in a flash it was right next to them, crashing into their shins painfully and sending them plummeting face first into the water. Both pilots reached out to catch themselves, before shifting their weight and rolling to the side, muscle memory instantly kicking in.

Sure enough, the Kaiju landed where the Jaegar had once been, and Zheng Yunlong couldn't help but wince. That could easily have killed them. 

They scrambled hastily to their feet and took advantage of the Kaiju's mistake to pull it up with a hand around its neck, Cloud Atlas' other hand delivering a swift punch to its face. But the Kaiju shook it off like it was nothing more than a scratch, and managed to twist out of their grasp. 

1975 caught up to them with a frantic dash, and their blades shot out from their wrists, like a scene straight from Assassin's Creed. But the metal only slid off the thick hide of the Kaiju's back, and did nothing except to enrage it further. The creature turned with an inhumane screech, tail lashing out at Cloud Atlas.

They couldn't have asked for a better opportunity. The Cloud Atlas pilots stood their ground and caught its giant tail with both hands, the force of the impact causing them to slide backwards slightly. They pulled with all their might, and the Kaiju that was fixed on the target in front of it was sent stumbling backwards instead. 

Through all their training as rangers, it was always emphasised that emotions had no place in a fight. Calmness, intelligence, was the best way to win a battle, especially in the face of beasts such a Kaijus. Zheng Yunlong understood this, and had always been level-headed in combat. 

But not this time. For the first time, Zheng Yunlong felt an inexplicable, molten fury rising in him as he faced the Kaiju. These monsters had taken so much from him, and they would take more if they had the chance. His family, his friends, his people, all lived in fear at the thought of one day dying a violent death to a Kaiju. 

He was aware of Zhou Shen's tinny voice in his ear, of the million beeping lights in front of him saying that everything was wrong, of the migrane-like pounding in the back of his skull, but none of those mattered. There was only one thing he had eyes for. He had had enough. 

They caught the Kaiju in a vicious chokehold, trying to break its neck through pure strength. It struggled to free itself, first clawing at the arm around its throat and then the Jaegar's head. In the midst of the adrenaline pounding through his blood, Zheng Yunlong couldn't feel any fear or pain, only his riotous heartbeat thundering in his chest. 

1975 followed up perfectly, landing blow after blow to the nauseating crunch of the Kaiju's bones breaking. Crack, crack, crack. The monster slowly stopped struggling and 1975 stumbled back, overwhelmed. 

"Why don't you do me a favour and go to hell, " Zheng Yunlong spat, uncaring of who could hear his outburst. Cloud Atlas released the limp Kaiju, only to grab its head and slam it down into the seafloor with unnecessary violence. Zheng Yunlong raised his right fist back for another blow, but then the lights in the cockpit dimmed as he was rudely thrown out of the Drift. Everything lurched for a heartstopping moment, before the failsafes kicked in and the Jaegar stabilised itself.

Zheng Yunlong stared at the dark control panel in confusion, wondering what had gone wrong, when he heard a dull thud beside him. He turned and time itself seemed to stop as he saw Ayunga's crumpled form on the floor. For a moment he couldn't believe his eyes, his heart still forming a deafening drumbeat in his head. He thought he heard someone yell at him distantly. 

"... Long-ge… Long-ge! Come in, Long-ge! What happened to Gazi-ge?! Long-ge, are you there?" Zhou Shen's voice pulled him out of his reverie, and the full force of what was happening hit him. He dropped to his knees, scrambling over like a mad man to grasp at Ayunga. He removed Ayunga's helmet and tossed it away carelessly. 

"Oh, thank fuck," he breathed as he felt warm air leave Ayunga’s lips.

The adrenaline left Zheng Yunlong's system all at once, and it took with it all the energy he had. He removed his own helmet with heavy hands, completely and utterly drained. He didn't bother acknowledging Zhou Shen's message that reinforcements were on the way. 

Then everything was silent, only broken by his harsh breathing.

He peeled off his gloves and cradled Ayunga's head in his lap. His lover’s face was white as a sheet and deathly cold to the touch. Zheng Yunlong felt his own hands shake violently as he brushed his fingertips against Ayunga’s skin. 

Numbness, so suffocating that he could barely think, swept over his body like a wave, and he was too exhausted to even cry. He could only look down blankly at the man in his lap - his co-pilot, his lover, his best friend - as his mind struggled to register the situation.

Reeling in shock and utterly delirious, he could almost hear Ayunga’s voice beside his ear, repeating the same line as in his dreams. 

Let go of me, Dalong. Let go.

He couldn't help but laugh, an empty, ugly sound that echoed off the walls of the cockpit and back into his own ears, morphed out of recognition.

"You idiot," Zheng Yunlong murmured incoherently, his voice choked with hysteria. "You fucking- fucking- fuck! You can't leave me alone like this, Ayunga. You promised. You promised." 

But the tears that landed on Ayunga's face only rolled off his cheeks slowly, and Ayunga couldn't even flinch. 

Chapter Text

He didn't realise it at first, but Zheng Yunlong had made a mistake from the very beginning. He had thought he was special. 

Too bad fate didn’t care about such trivial things.

The shatterdome had its own medical bay, though it was a small one, mainly for cadets' training injuries rather than wounds inflicted in the heat of battle, because once you were in the field facing a nightmarish monster as tall as a skyscraper, you were often either alive or blown into smithereens with very little in between. The privacy of these arrangements meant that Zheng Yunlong wasn’t held back by the restrictions of visiting hours or a limited number of visitors, so he had been glued by Ayunga's bedside for days, barely touching his food or sleeping. He looked awful and felt worse, but still refused to be coaxed from his position, only leaving his seat when he absolutely had to.

There were occasional visitors - Zhou Shen, Li Qi, the 1975 boys, Wang Xi, Ma Jia, Cai Chengyu - who came in to chat or force Zheng Yunlong to take care of himself with differing levels of success. He wasn’t very good company. The nurses, taking pity on him, told him that unconscious patients usually responded to light, sound and touch even before they woke up. So even when - especially when- there was someone else in the room, Zheng Yunlong's eyes were vigilant on Ayunga, hesitant to look away for even a second. He was lucky his friends had infinite patience. 

On the third day, as he was babbling about something random to Ayunga's sleeping form, letting his mind wander from topic to topic, he thought he saw Ayunga’s eyes dart underneath their lids. On the fourth day, as he held Ayunga’s icy hands in his own, he swore he felt a gentle squeeze, but it was impossible to confirm. On the fifth day, he was fairly certain he was going crazy, dreaming up these hallucinations himself. 

They brought Ayunga in every now and again to perform a scan or a test, curious to see how the mishap in the Drift had affected his mind. Zheng Yunlong understood that it was necessary to collect the data, but he was far from sharing their excitement about the new breakthroughs they had discovered as a result of the accident. He didn’t need an explanation. He just wanted Ayunga to wake up. 

Ayunga’s consciousness slowly floated to the surface, fragile and fleeting like bubbles in water. Maybe his fingers would twitch, or his breathing would pick up slightly, or he would let out a small sound, so quiet it was almost impossible to catch. When he turned his head with a small furrow in his brow, Zheng Yunlong was so anxious he thought he would combust.

As luck would have it, he hadn’t actually witnessed the exact moment that Ayunga woke up, maybe ten or so days after the battle. Zheng Yunlong had been asleep, hunched over the hospital bed and squeezing himself into a plastic chair that was much too small for him, when he woke up to the sound of Ayunga trying to say something, words caught in his bone-dry throat. In a flash Zheng Yunlong’s drowsiness left his body as he scrambled for the pitcher and poured out a glass of water. 

“Gazi-ge, thank God,” he sighed, relief crashing through his body. He reached his arm under Ayunga's back and brought him up to a sitting position, pushing the water against his lips. Ayunga drank it in small sips. 

“I’ll go get the doctor, he said that after you wake up you should be out of here in no time,” Zheng Yunlong chattered excitedly as he took back the cup and set it aside. Zheng Yunlong let him back lie down gently, running a hand through Ayunga's greasy hair. Then he noticed his silence. 

“Gazi? You’re fine right? Or have you missed me so much you don’t know what to say?” Zheng Yunlong’s relief was short-lived as he felt doubt creep into his chest, the smile on his face becoming painfully forced. Ayunga’s lips moved as he struggled to speak- 

“Who… are you?” he asked, voice scratchy after days of unuse. 

It was as if time itself had stopped as Zheng Yunlong’s heart crashed painfully down into his chest, sending a numb ache spreading through his limbs. He stared into Ayunga’s eyes, trying to find the trace of a joke, but there was nothing there, only blank confusion. 

The floor beneath him gave way and Zheng Yunlong's hold on the bed’s railings turned his knuckles white. This wasn’t happening, this wasn’t happening. 

Yet Ayunga’s eyes didn’t clear up in realisation, and the frown continued to pull his lips down. 

Fool. He had been a fool to think that this would never happen, that Ayunga would remember him no matter what. 

Zheng Yunlong swallowed with difficulty and made a decision. 

“I’m Zheng Yunlong,” he said shakily, fighting to keep the pieces of his heart together. “I’m your co-pilot. I know it must be confusing, but just give me a second to get the doctor and we can figure something out.” 

Without waiting for a response, Zheng Yunlong strode out of the room and turned, almost crashing straight into Yu Di. In the early days of his training where Zheng Yunlong was a clumsy recruit who didn’t know one end of a sword from the other, he was often in and out of the medical facility. Yu Di was a senior doctor here, but he still enjoyed getting to know the rangers, and would often pop in to chat with Zheng Yunlong or have lunch with him if they bumped into each other in the cafeteria. He was like an older brother to all of them. 

“Di-ge, Gazi just woke up,” Zheng Yunlong said, and he wondered if his voice sounded as strained as it did to his own ears. 

“That’s great,” Yu Di effused, “I’ll let his doctor know about it. But… Dalong, why don’t you sound happy about it?”

“Maybe I’m just tired,” Zheng Yunlong flattened his lips into a smile that didn’t even convince himself. “Now that he’s awake I can head back and rest.” 

Yu Di had far too much experience to be fooled by his weak act. His sharp eyes scanned Zheng Yunlong’s face, and his own expression turned grave. 

“I read Gazi’s case file, and it said he had lost his memories as a result of piloting. He… got worse, didn’t he?” Yu Di softened his tone as realisation struck, and he looked as though he shared Zheng Yunlong’s pain. Before he could even reply, Yu Di pulled him in for a hug. It almost broke him. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Yu Di breathed. Zheng Yunlong painstakingly controlled his breathing, refusing to let himself cry. He held Yu Di tighter and squeezed his eyes shut, pushing back the tidal wave of emotions through pure strength of will.

Eventually he felt the initial emotions ebb slightly, the pain dulling until he felt like he wouldn’t fall apart if he let go. Yu Di’s concern hadn’t lessened, but he fell into his professional image, no longer Di-ge but Doctor Yu. 

“We’ll take care of him, I promise you. We’ll let you know first thing if anything happens. Go and rest. Doctor’s orders.” Yu Di turned him around and pushed him gently. Zheng Yunlong complied, more because he didn’t want to go back to face Ayunga’s confused eyes than any real desire to rest. He dragged his heavy legs through the winding corridors, feeling as though he had just been cast off at sea and then pulled all the way back to shore, exhausted beyond anything words could express.

Out of habit he pushed the door to Ayunga’s room open and threw himself into the shower, clinically running through the motions of cleaning up, finally shaving the atrocious moustache that had grown due to his neglect. The urge to cry had passed, leaving an empty shell in its wake, and he crawled into bed, his body grateful for a surface that was not a plastic chair. He fell into a dreamless sleep. 

~

When he woke up his room was pitch black except for the blinking blue light on his messaging device. He groped for it and read it with squinted eyes. 

Shenshen: Ge, text me when you can. I need to meet you. 

He put the device back down with a groan, burrowing himself further into the blankets. If he could, he never wanted to leave this bed. His limbs felt like lead and he screwed his eyes shut, ignoring the message. Then the irritating device buzzed. Another message. 

Shenshen: I know you’ve read this. Don’t make me come get you. 

Oh, Zhou Shen. If it was anyone else he would have cursed them to hell and back, but he only sighed wearily and tapped on the chat. 

Dalong: Where? 

Shenshen: The break room. I’ll make you something, I’ll even use my homemade chili flakes. 

By the time Zheng Yunlong got to the break room, the smell of spice was already heavy in the air, the room warmed by the heat coming from the stove. There were two piping hot dishes on the table. He couldn’t help but smile. Zhou Shen didn’t cook very often, nor had he grown up by the sea -- the fish was fried in what must have been the Guizhou style of cooking, but the clams looked interesting, to say the least. 

Zheng Yunlong couldn’t remember the last thing he had eaten (maybe it was the banana muffin that the nurses had offered him? Or was it the bland ham sandwich? When was that, yesterday? Or the day before that?) and his stomach growled appreciatively.

“Chef Zhou, your kitchen help is here,” he spoke as he entered the kitchen area, looking curiously over Zhou Shen’s shoulder to find leafy Chinese broccoli in the pan. 

“Long-ge! You’re just on time. I’m almost done, just help me scoop the rice. Give me a little bit more, I’m starving.” 

Zheng Yunlong busied himself with the food and soon enough they sat across each other at the plastic dining table, digging in ravenously. 

“You’ll have to excuse my cooking. I haven’t cooked anything since I went back to visit my parents during the new year. And that was just wrapping dumplings.” Despite his easy tone, it was clear that he was still nervous. Zheng Yunlong took pity on him and offered a conversation starter. 

“Have you visited Gazi yet?”

“I have, but he was slipping in and out of consciousness so I thought I should leave him to rest. I heard about… Dalong, I’m sorry.” 

“I should start asking for money every time someone says sorry to me. I’ll be rich before the end of the week,” Zheng Yunlong joked humorlessly. He picked at a clam with his chopsticks. “It’s fine, really. There’s nothing I can do about it.” 

“The doctors said they’ll figure out how much Gazi-ge remembers when he has the energy to speak to them. We have our work cut out for us.” 

There was a brief silence as Zheng Yunlong considered his next words. “Maybe it’s better if Gazi didn’t know about… who I am to him.”

Zhou Shen’s eyebrows shot up. “You can’t hide that from him forever.” 

Zheng Yunlong fingers drummed on the table. The ‘maybe I can, maybe he’ll never remember’ lay heavy on his tongue, numbing like the chili in the fish. “It’ll be for the short term. You know what Gazi is like, if he knows he was together with me, even if he doesn’t know who I am, he’ll try his best to make me feel loved.” His fingers stopped. “I don’t want to feel like an obligation.” 

A complicated expression crossed Zhou Shen’s face. “Long-ge, I mean it from the bottom of my heart when I saw that that’s a terrible idea. You should… you should use every opportunity to tell him you love him.” 

“I’m not going to if that means forcing him to love me back.” Zheng Yunlong met Zhou Shen’s hesitant eyes with a deceptively calm gaze. Zhou Shen looked away first. Zheng Yunlong raised a glass of water to his lips and sighed, putting it back down. He felt as though he had just kicked a cat.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by that. I know what I’m doing is stupid, but... it might be the only way I can cope.”

Zhou Shen nodded as if he understood, and they let the conversation wander to safer topics as they ate. When they were done, Zheng Yunlong insisted on cleaning up, washing the plates and tossing the rubbish. Zhou Shen was uncharacteristically silent, walking over to the sofas at the other end of the break room and picking up an envelope from the coffee table there. Zheng Yunlong dried his wet hands on his shirt and leaned against the kitchen counter curiously. 

“This is what I was here for. I don’t think Gazi-ge really remembered who I was by the time he passed this to me, but maybe he still trusted me subconsciously. I hope it has some of the answers you’re looking for,” Zhou Shen said carefully, walking over to give it to him with an outstretched hand. Task completed, he bid Zheng Yunlong a good night and left. 

Now alone in the quiet room, Zheng Yunlong stared down at the envelope within his hands. Ayunga’s distinctive writing was on it, and Zheng Yunlong traced it absently, following the long straight line of his Zheng, and the little hook of his Yun. Ayunga’s handwriting had always been beautiful, and he never gave up the opportunity to call Zheng Yunlong's penmanship illegible. 

He opened it with nervous hands, and unfolded the sheets of paper enclosed within. The familiar, fanciful strokes of Ayunga’s pen entered his eyes, and all of a sudden he missed Ayunga desperately. 

Dalong,

You can gloat now. You were right, okay? My memories are going and some days I don't even know what I don't know. But I'll be fine. It seems like things will be ending soon and hopefully we'll see it through to the end. 

I'm sorry. I don't have the words to explain all that I feel right now, except that I'm sorry. I've been nothing but unfair to you, and I wish I could spare you all the pain you must have felt and are still feeling. Hurting you like that has been my biggest regret through all of this. You deserve better. I'm so sorry. 

I don't want you to stay. I want you to cut all ties with me, run for the hills and put all of this behind you. I want you to be protected from all the hurt in the world. But we're both far too stubborn for our own good, I know too well.

I love you, so much. If I'm not myself after this, then know that unchangeable, undeniable truth. Loving you has become such an essential part of me, you have become such an important part of me, more than I ever knew possible. There is no Ayunga that does not love his Zheng Yunlong. I'm sorry if my actions have ever made you think otherwise. I'm not a very good lover.

I love you, I'm sorry, I wish I could hold you forever and pretend none of this was happening. I wish I had anything more than my words to give you. I don't blame you for this, I could never, so please don't blame yourself. We did all we could. My only selfish hope is for you to be happy, with or without me. Maybe you can indulge me one last time by promising me that.

Yours, always,

Ayunga

Zheng Yunlong was in a state of disbelief while reading the letter, unable to connect the words written on the page in front of him with the man lying on the hospital bed earlier. He looked up with an empty gaze, the air of the room suddenly oppressive. Dully, he realised the shock that he had felt in the Jaegar’s cockpit had never quite gone away - it had only been put on hold. He still hadn’t had time to process it all. 

His hands shook as he suppressed the urge to crumple the paper in his hands and throw it against the wall, palms itching with the desire to lash out and destroy. The distant, sensible part of his brain was dimly aware that the ache in his chest was not fury but hurt - a sense of betrayal that was so big it almost threatened to swallow him whole. 

Ayunga had asked so much of him, had made him sacrifice so much. As if that wasn’t enough, he turned and left Zheng Yunlong behind without so much as a goodbye. And now he was sleeping soundly in his hospital bed, content and ignorant of the fact that he had torn Zheng Yunlong’s heart out of his chest and crushed it beneath his heel. Zheng Yunlong hoped he was happy now, the bastard, the rat bastard-

He cut the thought off sharply, forcing himself to push it out of his mind. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly as the emotions stormed through him, counting up to ten, then back down to one. The anger didn’t fade much, but at least he had lost the need to scream. 

He left for Ayunga’s room, a resolution firm in his heart. He opened the wardrobe and scanned it with a quick, clinical eye, removing whatever clothes belonged to him - there weren’t that many, he had always been fonder of wearing his Ayunga’s clothes - and stacked them into a pile. Then he went through Ayunga’s personal belongings, taking the pretty trinkets that Ayunga always loved to buy for him, and photos of the two of them that went as far back as ten years ago, framed with pride. 

Zheng Yunlong did everything without emotion, detaching himself from his own feelings, pushing them further away every time he felt them threaten to arise. Soon enough he had a decently sized collection of things, which he brought back to his own room across the corridor. The clothes he put back into the wardrobe, along with the framed pictures, hiding them below a stack of thick blankets. 

Then, as an afterthought, he returned to Ayunga’s room. Settling into bed with his feet curled underneath him, Zheng Yunlong opened Ayunga’s laptop, keying in the same password the latter used for every device. From there, finding the document Ayunga had worked on for weeks wasn’t difficult at all, and he got cozy as he started reading.

Ayunga had been a dutiful autobiographer and he had written a lot, faithfully recounting his life from start to present. It wasn’t completely chronological, sometimes looping back to something when Ayunga seemed to have remembered it. It was not difficult to notice how there were fewer and fewer details as Zheng Yunlong read through the pages. 

Dalong always said he remembered me from that audition, that he thought I was too good for university. I didn’t know how to tell him my first impression of him was like a camel. He always had such terrible posture. 

It must have been the second year of university when Dalong insisted I visit his hometown. That was the first time I saw the sea. It was raining heavily, the sky pouring down buckets of water, but then Dalong practically dragged me out the door to go see the ocean. He said it was the best weather for it. It was so stupid, but I was curious - and maybe some part of me believed him. The sea was nothing like the grasslands. It was dark because of the rain and tempestuous, rising in fierce waves and crashing against the shore. I didn’t dare stand in it for too long. Dalong thought I was running away from the water and laughed so hard he almost fell over. Maybe I should have pushed him into the water.  

Of course the heels hurt, but I got used to it, and I usually had too much fun to really notice it during rehearsals. I couldn't complain; being in the same shoes as Angel was a complete honour. That was the first time Dalong kissed me, on stage, in front of everyone. I was trembling so hard I thought my stilettos would give way.

Drifting with Dalong for the first time was a strange experience. There were memories that were familiar because I had been there, many things that I was not there for, and then I was looking at myself through his eyes. There was so much love, overwhelming but also light, too much but also not enough. Parts of myself that I loved, he loved too; parts that I didn't notice, he loved; parts I hated about myself, he loved. All my life, I had never felt so accepted. For a month after I couldn't think about it without a stupidly wide smile. I still can’t help but smile when I think about it now. 

There wasn't much time in between training, but there was one weekend where he brought me to Disneyland. What a ridiculous man. He was yelling at the top of lungs at the smallest rides, complaining that all the prices were too high and the candy too sweet, and grumbling at the size of the crowd. He insisted we stay for the fireworks at night, but it was autumn and he was obviously shivering. He refused my jacket and insisted on sharing body warmth... at a children's theme park. The fireworks were beautiful and he, well, he was so excited about them. I wish I could bottle that look of childish delight and keep it close to my heart. He is so beautiful, and he still insists that he's not. I want the world for him, but also, selfishly, to keep him by my side forever. Is this what love is? 

It had been difficult to get through at first, with Ayunga's candid, witty voice shining through the pages. But gradually Zheng Yunlong couldn’t help but laugh, reading about the mishaps and happiness through Ayunga's childhood and schooling years. Ayunga's recollections about him stayed still like photographs as they were captured in writing, and the memory became sweet, unblemished.

Eventually Zheng Yunlong reached the end of the document, and stared at the last sentence.

I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I could be a better person for him. 

He closed his eyes heavily. The anger had drained from his system and left an Ayunga-shaped hole behind, and he didn’t know how long it would take to be filled, if ever. He wished Ayunga was next to him now. Zheng Yunlong wanted his chocolate-coloured eyes that always looked at him with infinite fondness, wanted his laugh that was always the loudest when Zheng Yunlong was around, wanted his touch that was strong but would never, ever hurt Zheng Yunlong.  

There is no Ayunga that does not love his Zheng Yunlong.

When he opened his eyes the computer screen was still on, the document looking back at him with disinterest. He pursed his lips in consideration and after a long moment, sent it to himself. Then, with a sigh, he scrolled back to the top of the document, slowly scanning each line for mentions of himself, and one by one, began to edit them.

~

By the time he was done, the sun had begun to appear at the horizon, and Zheng Yunlong realised he had spent the entire night on the document. He rubbed his sore eyes, but he wasn’t really in the mood to go back to sleep. He changed into a new set of clothes, shrugging on an oversized jacket that was at least five years old, and headed to the medical bay. 

The machines in Ayunga’s dim room let off a quiet, rhythmic beep, a constant reminder of the patient they had in their care. Zheng Yunlong pulled back the curtains to let the weak early morning sunlight in, watching how the dust in the air danced as the light poured in. He walked back to the hospital bed slowly, noticing that while he was gone, someone had removed the IV needle and bag. He took it as a good sign of Ayunga's recovery.

Though he would never admit it out loud, Ayunga was truly one of the best looking men Zheng Yunlong had ever met. His pretty eyes curved becomingly upwards at their ends, giving his round face an additional softness, especially when it was alight with happiness. At the same time there was an air about him, formed from years of experience, of not just strength, but also kindness, always kindness. Ayunga’s too-soft heart was always bound to be his downfall.  

Zheng Yunlong sat in the plastic chair - his old enemy - and ran his fingertips along Ayunga’s soft hairline, then the bow-shaped curve of his upper lip, then the sweep of his eyelashes that reached out like spider legs. How long before those eyes would open and recognise him? What if they never did?

He didn’t know how long he had sat there before he heard the soft patter of footsteps. He looked up, expecting a nurse, but rose to his feet as Li Qi appeared in the doorway.

“Someone’s looking much better now,” Li Qi greeted cheerily. He had a hot drink container in each hand, and passed one of them to Zheng Yunlong. 

“If I weren’t here, were you going to drink two?” Zheng Yunlong said as he accepted it. The earthy smell of coffee filled the room immediately, and he bent over the drink, letting the steam caress his face. 

“Maybe I would have injected it into Gazi’s bloodstream. That’s sure to make him heal faster,” Li Qi deadpanned as he dragged another chair over and sat beside Zheng Yunlong. “And of course you’d be here.” 

Zheng Yunlong blew the surface of the coffee and took a tentative sip. It was the cafeteria’s coffee - bland at best, strange at worst - but as long as it had caffeine he’d drink it. Beside him, Li Qi leaned back into his seat, nursing his own drink.

“Dalong, I wanted to apologise-” Li Qi began, but stopped when Zheng Yunlong let out an exasperated noise. He grimaced. He hadn’t meant to let Li Qi hear that.

“I appreciate the thought, I really do,” Zheng Yunlong said with a small smile, “But you guys don’t have to keep apologising to me. It’s really no one’s fault. Life has to move on.” 

Li Qi stared into his cup, letting the steam fog up his glasses. Out of everyone, Li Qi was the perfect person for Zheng Yunlong to get mad at. He had led the research team that built Cloud Atlas , after all, and he had also been the first person to know about Ayunga’s situation. He could have - maybe should have - forbidden Cloud Atlas from continuing operations. 

Zheng Yunlong settled into the chair, letting his head fall back as he stared at the ceiling, toying with the idea. He dismissed it. Relatively speaking, he and Li Qi hadn’t been friends for very long - maybe just over two years? But he trusted Li Qi’s talent and professionalism more than he trusted his own. He could never hold a grudge against him like that. 

“J-Tech has been talking to the medical team to try and come up with a solution, but we know as much about medicine as they know about Jaegars,” Li Qi spoke again after a pause, voice wry. “We’ll probably have to consult our colleagues in Hong Kong and Osaka. I’ve seen the scans, they tell me the stress of the Drift has made Gazi’s mind look like someone suffering from amnesia.”

Zheng Yunlong pressed his lips together. “I could have guessed as much.” 

“Dalong, no one really knows what they’re doing, and if Gazi does recover, we don’t know how long it’ll take. I… I don’t know whether to ask you to stay or leave. I have a feeling Gazi would have wanted you to go.” 

I don't want you to stay. I want you to cut all ties with me, run for the hills and put all of this behind you. 

Dalong, let go of me.  

Zheng Yunlong’s hand tightened into a fist and his expression turned haughty. “It’s too bad he doesn’t know what’s best for me.”

“Dalong-”

“When I was in university my banzhang was an absolute prick,” Zheng Yunlong said, folding his hands over his chest. “He made us all run until we were half-dead, stretch until we couldn’t feel our limbs, and always nagged me about my grades. Worse still, he was my roommate, so I could never oversleep for anything. But he’s also the best person I’ve ever known. When I met him he couldn’t read a lick of Mandarin - he taught himself everything. He was more talented than the rest of us combined, but he still worked the hardest, and looked out for all of us. And when the theatre industry was ruined by the Kaiju war, he was the one who suggested trying out Jaegar piloting. We were one of the first few Drift-compatible pilots in the country. He was so proud.

“What I’m trying to say, Qiqi, is that I don’t know where I’d be without him. Maybe I would be working a nine-to-five, watching all of these fights on the television screen instead of a Jaegar cockpit. I’m not leaving.” 

As he spoke Ayunga showed signs of waking up, a small groan escaping from his lips as he turned his head. Zheng Yunlong let his words tail off into a whisper. “Maybe you should let the doctor know Gazi is awake.”

Li Qi turned to look at him incredulously, but after a moment he rose without a word and left the room. Zheng Yunlong fiddled with the controller until the bed rose into a slight recline. He waited until Ayunga opened his eyes before speaking. 

"How do you feel?" Zheng Yunlong said, willing himself to stay in his seat when he wanted nothing more than to fuss over Ayunga.

Ayunga's eyes drooped slightly, looking like he wanted to go straight back to sleep. Zheng Yunlong knew the expression well, he had seen it a million times across his pillow on their lazy mornings when Ayunga refused to wake up, pulling his boyfriend closer and nuzzling his face into his neck, sometimes even drooling onto his collarbone.

Zheng Yunlong dug his nails into his palm, so hard he thought he might draw blood.

Ayunga tried to speak, but the noise that left his mouth was unintelligible, and he cleared his throat with a grimace. Belatedly Zheng Yunlong poured out a glass of water and offered it to him. He saw with relief as Ayunga took it, even as his hands shook slightly, and drank slowly. At least his strength is still there.

"Who are you? Where am I?" Ayunga asked, looking around suspiciously, completely unaware of the sharp pain that had lodged itself in Zheng Yunlong's chest. 

"I'm Zheng Yunlong," he said, wondering how many times he could bear giving this introduction, "I'm your co-pilot. You were involved in a fight that wiped out your memories." 

Ayunga looked at him blankly, uncomprehending.

Zheng Yunlong stifled his sigh. "Maybe you can start by telling me what you know."

"My name is Ayunga. I remember… grasslands and deserts, far as the eye can see. I remember sheep, and people, but I think those people were my family, my older brothers and sisters. We were in -" then he uttered a strange word, which Zheng Yunlong guessed must have been in Mongolian. After a moment his expression cleared. "Ordos," he translated, "that's what it's called. We spoke a different language there, but I don’t remember when I learnt this one."

Zheng Yunlong truly had his work cut out for him, if the extent of Ayunga's memories were up to his childhood. 

"You're right. You've talked a lot about Inner Mongolia before, it must be a beautiful place." 

"It is," Ayunga said, face brightening instantly. "When the sun sets the entire sky is red, like it was set on fire. And then on the ground, miles and miles of golden sunlight, far as the eye can see."

By then Li Qi had returned with the supervising physician, and knocked on the door politely. Zheng Yunlong looked up and nodded at Ju Hongchuan in greeting. Ayunga stopped talking and turned, staring at the newcomers curiously. 

"Gazi, how are you feeling?" Ju Hongchuan greeted as he entered the room, reaching for the clipboard that hung by the foot of his head and flipping through it. 

"Uh, fine?" Ayunga said shortly, puzzled by this strange man who presumed such familiarity with him. Zheng Yunlong cleared his throat. Ju Hongchuan looked up and realised his error.

"Oh, of course. Ayunga, I'm Ju Hongchuan, but you can just call me Chuanzi. I'm the doctor in charge of your care," Ju Hongchuan smiled, slightly awkwardly after his faux pas. He leaned over the bed to press a button on the wall. "We'll be running a few tests after this to make sure everything is alright. Checking on your mind is critical, but of course we have to ensure your body is in working condition too.

“It could take a couple of hours, and we’ll give you a call when we’re done, Dalong,” Ju Hongchuan continued, turning to the other two in the room. Zheng Yunlong nodded absently, still focused on Ayunga. The latter was looking around, curiosity mixed with thinly-veiled panic on his face, like a caged bird waiting with bated breath for its first chance to escape. Zheng Yunlong’s chest ached and he sighed, wondering not for the first time just who they had offended in their past lives to deserve this fate. 

A nurse appeared at the doorway and knocked gently, nodding at everyone before he looked at Ju Hongchuan for a cue.

“If you’ll excuse us,” Ju Hongchuan said as he removed the vitals monitor clip from Ayunga’s finger and gestured the nurse over. Together they released the catches on the bed’s wheels, and began to push it out of the room. Impossibly, Ayunga sat even straighter, the thin blanket falling into his lap. He sized up the two strangers beside him with suspicious eyes. 

Zheng Yunlong followed a small distance behind as they walked through the corridors of the medical wing. It was small, but Zheng Yunlong had once heard it being described as well-equipped, and he supposed it must have contained all sorts of scanners and machines specially for rangers. 

It turned out to be a short walk, and he hung back as Ayunga was wheeled through a set of swinging doors, and he watched as they shut behind him with a firm click. He stared blankly until his vision went out of focus, mind surprisingly absent of any thoughts or emotion. Maybe he should have slept after all. 

Li Qi reached over and plucked the empty coffee cup out of his hand. “I’ve got to run, duty calls. You’re welcome to follow me if you like, we’re doing some riveting work on material tolerance today,” he smiled genially. 

Zheng Yunlong shot him a flat look. “I’m more likely to set your lab on fire than to actually contribute anything. It’s fine, I’ll find something to do.” 

“Your loss,” Li Qi shrugged. “I’ll see you.” 

Zheng Yunlong was left standing alone in the corridor. He rubbed at his temples to soothe the headache that was beginning to grow behind his eyes. It seemed that everyone had somewhere to go except for him. 

He picked a direction, any direction, and began to walk aimlessly.

Chapter Text

Zhou Shen slammed the door to his room open without knocking, rushing up to Zheng Yunlong and almost physically pulling him out of bed. 

“Let’s go, I’ll explain to you on the way,” Zhou Shen was out of breath as though he ran all the way here, and he left without even checking if Zheng Yunlong was following. (Of course he was, years of military training had made him ready for these exact situations). 

“What’s wrong?” Zheng Yunlong was all business even though he had been asleep not five minutes earlier, easily matching Zhou Shen’s hurried steps with long strides of his own. 

“They’re looking to get Cloud Atlas back online, with new pilots. You need to convince them otherwise.” 

“What the fuck? Who are the pilots?”

“The 1975 boys.” 

“Son of a bitch, they wouldn't dare,” Zheng Yunlong cussed vehemently. “Where are they?” 

“The central meeting room. Hurry, ” Zhou Shen commanded, and Zheng Yunlong obeyed. He sprinted as fast as his limbs would go, easily overtaking the already winded Zhou Shen as he ran through the familiar corridors. He scanned his biometrics impatiently, and the door to the meeting room slid open with a quiet woosh . 

There were around a dozen of them sitting around an imposing metal table, all unfamiliar faces. Zheng Yunlong felt his rage reach its limit - a group of strangers was deliberating over the lives of these bright young men whom they knew nothing about.

No, there was someone he recognised. Wang Xi looked up at him with a mix of relief, surprise, and irritation. 

“Dalong, not now .” Wang Xi was the first to speak, standing up to address Zheng Yunlong. 

“Xi-ge, don’t tell me you’re in on this too,” Zheng Yunlong spat, disgusted. 

“No, I’ve been trying to stop this harebrained scheme. You’re not needed,” Wang Xi shot back, exasperated. 

“I’m sorry, who is this?” An unfamiliar man sitting opposite Wang Xi questioned, a look of bored hauteur on his face. 

“Zheng Yunlong, one of the original pilots of Cloud Atlas . His co-pilot was Ayunga, whom we were discussing earlier,” Wang Xi answered curtly on Zheng Yunlong’s behalf. 

“Well, Ranger Zheng, I understand your interest in this matter, but storming into this meeting is a disgraceful and childish act. Leave.” An equally unfamiliar woman spoke to him dismissively, clearly thinking he would listen to her. He stood his ground stubbornly. 

Wang Xi looked like he was about to reply, but swallowed the words nervously when a second person ran into the room. Zhou Shen’s presence was a surprising comfort to Zheng Yunlong. At least he wasn’t alone in this fight. 

“Cloud Atlas is never going online again. Never,” Zheng Yunlong growled, fighting to keep a leash on his anger. 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” the first man spoke again, with the same bored tone. “It’s one of the biggest breakthroughs in Jaeger technology that we’ve seen in years. It can and it will.” 

“It wiped out the memories of one of its pilots ,” he snarled, hating the way his voice was shaky with emotion. The room only looked skeptical. 

“And it can only be improved with further testing. We are fighting a war, ranger. Sacrifices need to be made,” the person sitting nearest to him, a burly man with a buzz cut, said impatiently. Zheng Yunlong had difficulty speaking through his simmering fury, and Zhou Shen piped up instead. 

“Huangzi Hongfan, twenty-one years old. Studied in the United States but came back to serve since the very beginning of the war,” Zhou Shen said coldly, pointing to the two profiles that had been put up on the room’s whiteboard. Zheng Yunlong hadn’t even noticed them. “Liang Pengjie, also twenty-one years old. The only person from his entire province in the Shanghai shatterdome, here to make his family proud. These are the young men you are choosing to experiment on. And as far as I know, their only crime has been their willingness to serve others.”  

Zhou Shen’s cutting voice had stunned the room into silence, and Zheng Yunlong could hear his heart pounding in his ears. His hands trembled unsteadily.

“Ayunga, thirty-one years old and my co-pilot,” he cast his voice into the heavy silence, hearing it falter under the weight of its own emotion, “From Inner Mongolia. He’s been here since the beginning, since the first Kaiju appeared. He volunteered for the first drift experiments, for the first Jaegar deployed in Shanghai. He saw this team being built from scratch. He gave and he gave, and all he ever wanted in return was to protect others. We knew what Cloud Atlas was doing, but we had no other choice. Now that we do have choices, here’s an idea: think of something else."

"If you think it's so easy, try doing it yourself." An unfamiliar voice cut in, and Zheng Yunlong couldn't identify who it was with how his tears blurred his vision.

“He used to tell me stories of his childhood in the prairies and under the stars," Zheng Yunlong shot back. "Now he doesn’t even know where he grew up. Is this how we repay our heroes? By failing to learn from our mistakes? Brilliant, absolutely brilliant, and what a noble fucking cause we are .” 

In the aftermath of his outburst Zheng Yunlong only felt a bone-deep exhaustion. Perhaps he shouldn’t have lashed out, but he had been so exhausted for so long that it was long overdue. Under that weariness was the bitter taste of betrayal, the feeling that all his sacrifices, all of Ayunga’s sacrifices, were mere statistics on a chart. 

Wang Xi pressed his fingers to his temple, sighing heavily. 

“This meeting is over. We’ve heard enough.” 

“You have no right,” Mister Buzz Cut said indignantly.

“Perhaps I don’t, General. But the last time I checked, only one of us is the head of J-tech. We can continue this meeting if anyone has anything else to add,” Wang Xi replied wearily, turning to address the rest of the room. It was silent. 

“I thought so. Thank you for your time, everyone,” he dismissed, picking up his things and striding out of the room. He paused in front of the two of them for a brief moment, hesitant. Zheng Yunlong saw Zhou Shen tense out of the corner of his eyes, and clenched his fists involuntarily, prepared for a fight. But the moment passed and Wang Xi brushed past them without a word. 

Zheng Yunlong didn’t waste another second in the room, leaving it almost as quickly as he had run to it. He strode down the hallways furiously, not knowing where he was going, but it didn’t really matter. Soon enough he felt a tug on his sleeve from Zhou Shen, and he was finally willing to stop. 

“I’m sorry you had to defend yourself like that, Dalong. But I thought you were the only person they would listen to,” Zhou Shen said sadly. "I'm afraid this fight is far from over."

“You don’t need to apologize for something that’s not your fault. They should never have considered something like that, those sick fucks.” The sudden withdrawal of adrenaline left Zheng Yunlong slightly nauseous, and he was fighting against the urge to vomit. 

Then Zhou Shen’s arms came around to hug him, and his surprise at the affections chased all tension from his shoulders instantly. The height difference made it almost comical, as Zheng Yunlong bent down a long way to embrace his friend, but nobody could say Zhou Shen didn’t give good hugs. Zheng Yunlong needed it sorely, and hugged his friend back tightly. 

“Let’s go. Those idiots don’t deserve another second of our time. I hear the cafeteria is serving fried chicken today,” Zhou Shen offered after a long moment. 

“Sounds perfect.”

Chapter Text

He could do this. He was a Jaegar pilot, dammit, one of the scariest and most dangerous jobs in the world. He had fear trained out of him within half a year of entering the academy. There was nothing he couldn’t do.

But Zheng Yunlong could not do this. 

He had been able to stay strong, at first. When Ju Hongchuan had called him back to the medical bay and had given him a rundown of Ayunga's state - long-term memory ending somewhere in his childhood, short-term memory almost non-existent - he had steeled himself for the task ahead. It wouldn't be easy, of course it wouldn't, but there was hope for recovery. 

He could almost laugh now if he wasn't so exhausted. Hope? Who gave him the confidence to hope? 

The first night had been the easiest and the hardest. Easy, because the doctors had placed Ayunga under some kind of sedative, and Zheng Yunlong's job was just to bring him back to his room in one piece. Hard, because Zheng Yunlong was sleeping alone in his own room for the first time in a very, very long while. The day before, when he had crashed into Ayunga's bed after being sent back by Yu Di, was bearable because of his tiredness. But now there was nothing to keep him company but the sound of his own steady breathing. No Ayunga to cuddle closer to when he craved his touch, nobody holding down the other side of the blanket and occasionally stealing it in the middle of the night. Even his room smelled pitiful, musty from disuse.

If only he knew how precious sleep would soon become, then perhaps he would have treasured the rest more. 

The second day was as bad as the first, as he crossed over to Ayunga’s room in the morning and shook him awake. Those eyes still remained hostile, empty, and Zheng Yunlong had to repeat his whole monologue, with a smile so forced it hurt his face. Hi, I’m Zheng Yunlong. I know this can be confusing, but you lost your memories in an accident. No, I’m not trying to kill you. Yes, you can trust me. 

Please trust me. 

Ju Hongchuan hadn’t been lying when he said that Ayunga’s short-term memory was almost non-existent. Zheng Yunlong tried to bring him around the shatterdome, stubbornly ignoring the concerned glances that were cast his way, but found out the hard way that Ayunga's memory was erratic, prone to slip away from him at any given moment. By the third time it happened, Zheng Yunlong could already recognise the warning signs. First Ayunga would ask fewer questions, then he would look around himself in trepidation and alarm, something he tried valiantly to hide. Afterwards he would freeze, eyes glassy with tears and fear.  

"Where am I?" he would ask, voice small like a child lost in a shopping mall, panic snatching his breath from him. And that, perhaps, was what hurt Zheng Yunlong the most -- the utter vulnerability that Ayunga now wore like a second skin. And Zheng Yunlong was out of his depth every time. He kept the smile on his face and his words soft, but the only thing running through his mind was how useless, inept, stupid stupid stupid he was. 

And then there was the handful of awkward encounters they had when running into friends in the corridors, them asking after Ayunga but him looking back in blank silence. It was easy to tell when the realisation hit them, that oh, so he was the one that lost his memory . Zheng Yunlong wanted to bury his hands in his face and scream. 

But the stress of the day was nothing compared to that at night. 

He had just fallen into a fitful sleep when a loud knock on the door startled him awake, and he opened it to find a guard on night duty shifting uneasily. 

“It’s Ranger Ayunga, sir. We found him wandering the corridors, and he didn’t seem to know where he was. We thought it would be best to look for you,” he said, half apologetic and half curious. 

Zheng Yunlong was awake immediately, flattening his expression and throwing up the walls around his heart - it was either that or breakdown in frustration. He followed the guard and they both made their way through the maze of walkways, and soon enough he heard a commotion ahead. 

Ayunga almost never cried, or at least, it was rare for Zheng Yunlong to see him cry. He had gone through too many hardships and too much heartbreak when he was far too young, and when they first met in university, Ayunga had been a stone-faced, solemn young man, his back ramrod straight as if it were made of military-grade steel. He had softened considerably since then, but something of that hardness still remained. 

So when Zheng Yunlong turned the corner and saw Ayunga struggling like a caged animal as two guards secured his arms behind him, tears staining his cheeks, he felt like his own insides had been torn out. 

"Let me go! Where am I? What kind of sick joke is this?” Ayunga yelled, the sharp note of fear cutting Zheng Yunlong.  

“Ayunga, sir! Please calm down, stop resisting!” One of the guards holding him cried out desperately. 

“Ayunga!” Zheng Yunlong called, every nerve frayed. Thankfully, either out of surprise or recognition, Ayunga stopped moving, looking straight at him with red, tear-stained eyes. Zheng Yunlong felt his heart crumble, and had to force himself to move, barely registering what he was doing.

“Let go of him,” he ordered as he walked towards Ayunga. Ayunga rubbed at his wrists, before turning his suspicious gaze at Zheng Yunlong. 

“Thank you for informing me. You may return to your positions,” Zheng Yunlong instructed the guards without ever looking away from Ayunga. They left dutifully. 

“Gazi, Ayunga,” Zheng Yunlong breathed, his exhaustion and the shock of the situation finally crashing into him. Belatedly, he realised the tears that had refused to slip free the past few days had finally fallen. This was the man he loved - loves - and to watch him fight for his life like a wounded animal-

Instinctually, he looked to Ayunga’s face for comfort, but the surprised stare that looked back at him only added insult to injury. Of course. How could he forget?  

He quickly wiped his face with the back of his hand. This wasn’t the time for tears. There seemed to be very little time for tears. “I’m sorry, it’s been a long day. You were in an accident and you lost your memories. It’s a long story, but it’s late and I can tell you more in the morning.” Because you won’t remember if I tell you now anyway , the weary, irritated part of his mind joked bleakly, and Zheng Yunlong only hated himself all the more for it. 

“I-” Ayunga began, looking at Zheng Yunlong then over his shoulders to where the guards had gone, as if calculating his odds. 

“Please Gazi, please trust me,” Zheng Yunlong choked out softly. So it turned out he wasn’t above begging after all. And Ayunga was nothing if not kind to a fault. 

“You mean it?” Ayunga asked earnestly, like he couldn’t comprehend being lied to. 

“I mean it,” Zheng Yunlong replied seriously, meeting Ayunga’s eyes with all the sincerity his exhausted body could muster. 

Ayunga followed him back to his room with a wary look. Zheng Yunlong knew he should’ve said more, should’ve put Ayunga at ease, but putting one foot in front of the other was all he could manage. I’m not strong enough for this . The thought would’ve normally frightened him, but in the dim metallic hallways of the shatterdome, he didn’t have the energy to deny it. 

Yes, he wasn’t strong enough for this. But if he wasn’t, then who would be there for Ayunga? If Zheng Yunlong ran away now, whose door would the guards be knocking to come save Ayunga from himself? 

So he kept putting one foot in front of the other until they got to their rooms. Zheng Yunlong saw Ayunga into his room, cautious not to cross over the threshold where he wasn’t invited. 

“Good night,” Ayunga murmured before closing the door, his eyes still guarded. But the time Zheng Yunlong thought to react, he was staring at the smooth surface of a door. 

“Good night,” he whispered, the hallway now eerily silent compared to the scuffle earlier. He should have gone back to his own room and slept it off, but no matter how hard he tried to convince himself, his legs wouldn’t move. With no eyes on him and Ayunga safely back in bed, his body decided that now would be the best time to let a month’s worth of tears go, squeezing out of him like he was a cup full of cracks. Maybe he was. 

He reached out a hand to trace over the nameplate by the door, following the ridges of Ayunga’s name carefully. 

“I’m sorry,” he choked out, barely audible even to himself. If only the person on the other side of the door could hear it too. “Darling, I’m so sorry.” 

~

Unfortunately, the days kept carrying on. 

Thankfully, there were no more night time incidents, but Ayunga’s confusion and hostility showed no signs of abating. Their walks around the compound of the Shatterdome prompted more whispering behind their backs than actual progress, so Zheng Yunlong decided to begin instead with more basic information about Ayunga. Where he grew up, where he went to school, and so on. 

That also meant hiding away in Ayunga’s room for most of the day, feeling his stomach drop and turning his phone on to ‘do not disturb’ whenever a call from a concerned friend came in. He knew objectively that isolating both of them was the exact opposite of what he should’ve done, but there was a much more selfish part of him that wanted to keep protecting Ayunga from people’s opinions and their pity. At least Ayunga was improving, steady but still excruciatingly slow.

The image of him struggling against those guards still kept Zheng Yunlong awake at night, strangling him with his own powerlessness. If anything like that was to ever happen again, he wanted to be the one by Ayunga’s side. 

But being alone had never been good for anybody, and eventually Zheng Yunlong found himself trying to reign in his sharp tongue more times than he could count. 

It wasn’t Ayunga’s fault at all that he was asking the same questions again and again, struggling to recall the most basic facts about himself, but every time he did, Zheng Yunlong felt himself sink deeper into despair. And then he got annoyed at himself for his unfairness, and that annoyance turned outwards, directly at Ayunga, which then made Zheng Yunlong feel even more disgusted at himself.

He sucked in a breath, forcing himself to swallow down the biting remark that rose to his lips. “We went to university together,” he repeated for what must have been the hundredth time. “The Beijing Dance Academy.”

“I studied dance?” Ayunga blinked, looking up from the photo he was staring at on his laptop, where the grainy faces of BDA'09 was smiling at the camera cheerily. Ayunga was still surprised by information about his university days, even though Zheng Yunlong had mentioned it again and again for the past few days. 

Zheng Yunlong pursed his lips. “No, we both majored in musicals.” 

Ayunga seemed even more surprised at that, and opened his mouth to ask another question. But then he closed it, noticing Zheng Yunlong’s weariness. 

“We don’t have to do this. I can try and remember on my own.” 

Zheng Yunlong’s temper almost flared, because no, Gazi, you can’t , but he suppressed that too, because the expression on Ayunga’s face was worried, and he would even go so far as to say scared. 

He was scared of Zheng Yunlong?  

Ayunga had never, not in their ten years of knowing each other, ever been scared of him.

He had known Zheng Yunlong well, and he had always treated these tantrums and piques of anger with indulgence. Ayunga had always known that there was no fire behind all the smoke, but now he looked as though he just stepped on a mine.

Zheng Yunlong rubbed at his face, wanting nothing better than to climb to the highest tower of the shatterdome and throw himself off. “I’m sorry, I think I didn’t sleep well.”

“You should have said so, we didn’t need to meet today,” Ayunga smiled apologetically, but it was faint, as if the smallest scare would chase it off his face. 

“It’s fine, really.”

“Should we stop here-”

“ I said it’s fine, ” Zheng Yunlong snapped, then regretted it immediately as Ayunga recoiled slightly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it. I’m just tired, we can continue.” 

“Maybe I should leave you alone for a bit,” Ayunga said, biting his lip. He rose from the chair and made for the door. Zheng Yunlong stood up and caught his arm. 

“No, this is your room. I’ll leave,” he said, jaw tense, then turned and walked out of the room. He was beyond pissed with himself, and his feet brought him to pace up and down the corridor in an effort to walk off his anger. He knew he shouldn’t have taken out his anger on Ayunga like that, and yet he still did. It was unfair, it was wrong , and it was completely uncalled for. 

Yet as Zheng Yunlong walked back and forth and back and forth, he only felt his anger growing. He was giving so much, he was trying so hard, but Ayunga was seeing next to no improvement. How long more would he have to live like this? When would he recover? Would he even recover? 

Why hadn’t he refused to fight in Cloud Atlas? Why couldn’t he find the damned patience to help Ayunga now? What the fuck was wrong with him? 

He squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself to breathe in deeply and then back out, clawing for some semblance of self-control. Now wasn’t the time to wallow in misery. He should go back and apologise properly. Yes, he really should. 

He took another breath in, and then out, when he heard footsteps. Zheng Yunlong looked up as someone turned the corner just ahead of him. 

“Long-ge! I haven’t seen you in ages,” Cai Chengyu said jovially, face lighting up as he walked over towards Zheng Yunlong. He tried to summon a weak smile of his own.

“Caicai, you look well.”

“I’m appreciating the rest we’re finally getting after that mess of a fight. What about you? You look a bit pale,” Cai Chengyu continued on, blissfully oblivious as always.

“I didn’t sleep too well last night.” 

“You should get some rest then, you look awful. Oh! Where’s Gazi-ge? I thought the two of you would be together.”

“He’s in his room. I was just about to go see him. Take care, Caicai,” Zheng Yunlong excused himself, brushing past Cai Chengyu on his way. 

“Long-ge, you know you can tell us if something is wrong. You don’t have to do this alone,” he called, causing Zheng Yunlong to stop in his tracks.

“We’re all worried sick about you, but we don’t know how to help,” Cai Chengyu continued. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Zheng Yunlong muttered as he cast a glance over his shoulder, back at the younger man. 

“We can start right now,” Cai Chengyu said, his cheeriness clearly forced. Zheng Yunlong could see him visibly suppressing his own nervousness, the foolhardiness of his youth winning out. “I don’t have anything planned until the evening. Let me spend the afternoon talking to Gazi.” 

Zheng Yunlong turned to face him fully, brows furrowed. “He doesn’t remember a thing.”

“That’s alright, I don’t even remember what I had for breakfast!” Cai Chengyu said, before his mouth twisted in embarrassment. “Right, bad joke. Bad joke. But I’m serious. At least it gives you some time to rest. I wasn’t kidding when I said you look like you need it.”  

Zheng Yunlong opened his mouth, ready to reject the good-natured offer, when he thought about Cai Chengyu’s words, Ayunga's thinly-veiled hurt still fresh in his mind. Spending every waking hour with someone would have been a challenge for anybody - even for the inseparable couple that he and Ayunga had been before all of this. Even now, his feelings were still a little raw. 

Cai Chengyu was right. Charging back in to see Ayunga might only provoke another fight, Zheng Yunlong was probably long overdue for a break anyway. For once in his life, he needed to stop being so damn stubborn .

“I just raised my voice at him. Not my best moment,” he admitted, pressing the heel of one hand to his eye.. There was something about Cai Chengyu, his openness and the many years they had trained side by side, that made Zheng Yunlong trust him readily. And he wasn't someone quick to trust. “So just… go easy on him.” 

Cai Chengyu’s eyebrows rose at the easy victory, but his expression stayed solemn at the confession. “Long-ge? Is everything alright?”

The smile across Zheng Yunlong’s face was tired, but at least it wasn’t forced. “You know how relationships are. I’ll feel better once I get some rest. Don’t hesitate to knock on my door if you need anything.”

“O-oh, I see! Well, have a good rest, Long-ge!” The assurance seemed to have mollified Cai Chengyu enough.

“Thank you, Caicai,” Zheng Yunlong said, surprising himself with how much he meant it. “I have a hard time admitting that I’m wrong. It’s a bad habit.”

Cai Chengyu walked up to him and patted him awkwardly on the shoulder, and made to leave. Inexplicably, Zheng Yunlong felt his own body move to pull him into a hug. He seldom initiated contact like this, not with anyone who wasn’t Ayunga, and it felt almost foreign. 

He hugged Cai Chengyu tight, and as he did, he felt a tingling in the back of his throat, which spread up to his nose -- the unmistakable sign of oncoming tears. He had made it a point to keep his tears to a minimum through this entire ordeal. So why was he tearing up over something as silly as this? 

He stepped away, the hug over almost as soon as it began. 

“You’re a good kid, Caicai,” Zheng Yunlong said, smiling faintly. “I hope you know how proud all of us are of you.” 

Cai Chengyu’s apprehension morphed into something softer, something that looked like gratitude. “Thank you, Long-ge, that really means a lot.” He stood there for a second longer, looking as though he might salute Zheng Yunlong, but in the end he merely nodded, and walked further down the corridor to knock on Ayunga’s room. 

As Zheng Yunlong saw his retreating figure, he finally figured out what the foreign feeling that had risen in his chest as he hugged Cai Chengyu was. It was relief, relief that had come after so long and after he had felt so lonely that it nearly brought tears into his eyes. 

~

Zheng Yunlong didn’t know what he was expecting to happen, but after several hours, Cai Chengyu emerged from Ayunga’s room, a thoughtful look on his face. Zheng Yunlong almost crashed into him in his hurry to check on the situation, having fallen asleep against his own wishes and startling awake at the sound of Ayunga bidding someone goodbye from outside his door.

Cai Chengyu’s smile only softened as he looked at Zheng Yunlong’s harried state, as if he was the older of the two of them. “Long-ge! Had a good rest?”

“Not bad,” he tried to shrug, even as his heart thumped a mile a second at his rude awakening. “How’s everything with Gazi?”

“He’s doing well.” Impossibly, Cai Chengyu’s smile softened even further. “You worry too much, Long-ge.” 

“I do?” Zheng Yunlong asked blankly.

“You do,” Cai Chengyu repeated sagely. “I’ve gotta go for a meeting, but let me know how it goes. And Long-ge?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m only a phone call away. All of us are. Don’t ever feel like you’re alone in this.” 

As Zheng Yunlong looked at Cai Chengyu’s retreating form, he wondered when the fresh-faced recruit from so many years ago finally grew up.

He shook himself mentally, turning his attention back to that dreaded door. It could be a drawbridge over a moat for all the trepidation Zheng Yunlong felt walking towards it. But he had an apology to make, and he wasn't one to go back on his word. 

He knocked on the door with shaky fists, shame rising up to choke the air out of his lungs. Ayunga called for him to come in, and Zheng Yunlong did so warily. 

The hesitant look on Ayunga’s face told him all he needed to know about whether Ayunga had remembered Zheng Yunlong’s little outburst earlier (which was a good improvement, but not so good for their cautious friendship). He could only hold his tongue as Ayunga ignored him in favour of tapping away on his phone. It was just as well, Zheng Yunlong couldn’t remember a single word of his carefully crafted apology. 

“Yunlong, you’re Yunlong,” he heard Ayunga muttering to himself, staring at his screen. 

“...yeah, I am.” Zheng Yunlong replied after a beat. He had expected a cold shoulder, maybe a snarky comment, and he wasn’t really sure where this conversation was going. 

“That young man, C-cai…” Ayunga trailed off, his brow knitting as he tried to recall. 

“Cai Chengyu?” Zheng Yunlong suggested.

“Yes! Him,” Ayunga agreed happily, and the sparkle in his eye only made Zheng Yunlong want to kiss his cheek. “He said there was a staff directory with everyone’s photos.” Ayunga turned his phone screen to him, and sure enough, Zheng Yunlong was looking back at a photo of himself. 

“Oh,” he said uselessly. He hadn’t even known it existed. “Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, I had no idea.” 

“It’s fine,” Ayunga reassured quickly with a smile. “Chengyu said that he found it by accident. We’re not supposed to have access to it.”

It took a moment for Zheng Yunlong to realise that ‘Chengyu’ was supposed to be Cai Chengyu. He supposed he had to fill Ayunga in on everyone’s nicknames eventually. And speaking of things that he should do- 

“I’m sorry,” he said, his fingers twisting into knots in front of him. “For earlier, and for the past few days-”

“It’s really fine,” Ayunga repeated patiently.

“But it’s not ,” he insisted. “I’ve been going about all of this wrong. I’ve been refusing to let you go, shadowing your every footstep, treating you like a- like a-”

And to his own shame, the word that came to his mind was child . Because that’s how he was treating Ayunga, wasn’t he? Like he was helpless, or clueless, or prone to hurting himself the second Zheng Yunlong looked the other way. He might have lost most of his memories, but that didn’t mean he had reverted back to being a child. He was still Ayunga, brilliant and kind and funny and intuitive as all hell. 

As much as Zheng Yunlong would have liked to keep Ayunga tied to his side at all hours of the day, he knew Ayunga well enough to know that he would’ve hated it. Probably did hate it right now, but was just too polite to say anything. They had both always been too stubborn for their own good. 

“Like you’re not capable of making decisions for yourself,” he finished lamely, not yet ready to say what was on his mind. “I guess I was being a little controlling?”

“A little,” Ayunga muttered in agreement, and Zheng Yunlong flushed in embarrassment. 

“How about this,” he charged ahead, sticking his hands in his pockets and looking at anywhere but Ayunga. “I’ll do up a map of the Shatterdome for you, all the rooms and where you can find everyone, so you can explore the place on your own.”

“I would really appreciate that,” Ayunga said. “And I’ve appreciated everything you’ve done for me these few weeks. Cai Chengyu was telling me all about it.” 

“Was he?” he asked cautiously. 

“Oh, yes. How you stayed by my bedside and took care of me when I woke up. I’m not sure if I’ve thanked you before, but… thank you, really.”  

"Yes, that." Zheng Yunlong said, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. "We were all there. You had us all worried."

Ayunga smiled sheepishly. "Sorry?"

"Oh, no no no," Zheng Yunlong backtracked hurriedly, shaking his head violently. "That's not what I meant at all-"

Surprisingly, Ayunga cut him off with a laugh, boisterous and just this side of annoying. Zheng Yunlong shut his mouth when he realised he was pulling his leg. Trust Ayunga to joke at a moment like this.

"Asshole," he muttered, making sure to be just loud enough for Ayunga to hear. He laughed even harder, and Zheng Yunlong couldn't help but smile helplessly. 

He really did underestimate Ayunga, didn't he?

"Well, I guess that's my cue to leave," Zheng Yunlong announced, dry and obnoxious like the way they always fought when their heart wasn't in it. Still, he looked at Ayunga expectantly, in case he still needed anything. 

The smile lingered on Ayunga's face as he looked around his room in consideration. "Yeah, there’s still a lot I have to go through.” 

“Of course,” Zheng Yunlong agreed with a firm nod. “And…I’m sorry again, Gazi. I really am.” 

The look that Ayunga threw over his shoulder then was soft yet effortless, fondness warming the corners of his eyes in a way that took Zheng Yunlong’s breath away. It was how Ayunga had looked at him for the better part of a decade, and Zheng Yunlong hadn’t realised how much he missed it until it was back again.

“I forgive you,” he said kindly, and for a moment it felt so much like the old Ayunga was back that Zheng Yunlong felt like crying for the second time that day. 

He exchanged goodbyes with Ayunga instead, leaving the room and pressing his back to his own door before letting out a long sigh of relief.  

~  

Once Cai Chengyu bit the bullet and offered to help, the requests kept pouring in. 

Could the 1975 boys grab a bite with Gazi-ge? At that restaurant he loves so much. 

Could Ma Jia shoot some hoops with him? A little exercise can’t hurt. 

Could Yu Di meet him over coffee? He wanted to check in on Gazi.

Could Zhou Shen borrow Ayunga for KTV night? You know how much he loves singing.

Eventually Zheng Yunlong had to throw his hands up and tell everyone that no, you don’t have to go through me, go ask Gazi yourself. 

(It totally wasn’t because he was avoiding Ayunga, afraid of overstaying his welcome when he knew Ayunga was too good to turn him away. All he wanted to do was help and maybe now he could help the most by keeping his nose out of other people’s business.)

Ayunga had always loved being amongst friends, and Zheng Yunlong couldn’t deny him that. Apart from the occasional scheduling mishaps when Ayunga promised to meet someone when he already had something else planned, everything went smoothly. Zheng Yunlong almost forgot that he had once been afraid of this exact thing happening. 

What that meant was that he now had more time than he knew what to do with. He spent most of it in bed, either sleeping or watching movies, and when he needed to he popped out of his room to eat - sometimes alone, sometimes with friends. He didn’t seek out Ayunga for the time being, because he had seen more of him in the past week than he wished to in a month, thank you very much. 

And maybe, just maybe, Zheng Yunlong didn’t want to be reminded of the last time they spoke, when he had lashed out at Ayunga. He didn’t want to remember the edge of fear that had lined the corners of his eyes. 

Zheng Yunlong finally bumped into him a few days later as they both left their rooms at the same time. It was inevitable, really, and more surprising that it hadn't happened earlier.

“Oh, Gazi, hi,” Zheng Yunlong smiled woodenly, his greeting slightly stiff. 

“Hi, uh…” Ayunga said, trailing off. So he still had trouble remembering names. Zheng Yunlong sighed. He knew progress would be slow, but it was always disheartening to be reminded of just how slow. He opened his mouth, but Ayunga stole the words from him. 

“Zheng Yunlong,” he said, raising his face with no small satisfaction. “You’re Zheng Yunlong.” 

For the first time in many, many days, Zheng Yunlong felt the corner of his lips tug upwards. Ayunga smiled too, and the excitement was contagious, bouncing back and forth between the both of them until Zheng Yunlong felt the smile reach his eyes. He laughed slightly, surprised pleasure bubbling in him. 

He didn’t care to speculate if Ayunga dug that out from the recesses of his long-term memory, or that his short-term memory was starting to make a small recovery. He remembered something . Ayunga remembered something.

Zheng Yunlong just wasn’t sure if he should have taken comfort in the fact that his name was one of the first few things that Ayunga remembered. 

“You can call me Dalong. All my friends do,” Zheng Yunlong said with his classic toothy grin. He watched Ayunga repeat it to himself silently, Dalong, Dalong, as if trying to physically carve it into his mind. Zheng Yunlong wanted nothing more than to kiss the corner of those lips, to laugh against Ayunga’s cheek the way he had a million times in the past. He forced himself to take a step away. 

Clearing his throat, he tried to continue the conversation. “Are you headed anywhere?” 

Ayunga’s mirth cleared as he tapped at his phone, bringing up his calendar. It was an absolute godsend for him now. 

“No, it doesn't look like it. It says I’m meeting… Ding Hui tomorrow?”

“Ding Guangjun? That’s our nickname for him. He’s from K-Science, brilliant guy.” 

“Oh, okay. Are you, uh, headed anywhere?” 

As a matter of fact, he had been on his way to the cafeteria for a quick bite before returning to hibernate in his pile of blankets, but he wasn’t going to tell Ayunga that. 

It was strange, seeing Ayunga so frequently and then not at all. Even stranger, going from such close intimacy to being virtual strangers. Every second he was with Ayunga was a fight with himself not to tease in the way he always did. Strangest of all, was having his chest ache with the thought of missing Ayunga, even as he was looking the man in the eye. 

“No, not really. Just wanted to stretch my legs,” he hesitated a little, then decided he preferred Ayunga’s company to none at all, "care to join me?” 

“Sure.”

They walked together silently, Zheng Yunlong trying to think of somewhere to go as he wound through the complex labyrinth of corridors that made up the shatterdome. There was a place, but Zheng Yunlong had never liked it much. Then again, he was feeling a little moody after the bittersweet conversation with Ayunga, and wanted nothing more than to leave behind the suffocating four walls that seemed to pin him in. So he made up his mind, walking through the familiar hallways towards his destination. 

“How any of you ever find your way in this maze is beyond me,” Ayunga muttered, the first thing he had said since they started walking. 

“Don’t worry, every recruit goes through it. It took us a full half year to figure this place out. I followed behind you because you were so confident, but you always got the two of us lost.” 

“Sounds like me,” Ayunga said with a small smile. 

They took a lift up to the highest floor, and Zheng Yunlong brought him to a part of the building that seemed almost deserted. Confidently, he stopped in front of a metal door and opened it. Ayunga caught a glance of the sign on the front of the door before it swung open. 

‘WARNING! NO UNAUTHORISED ENTRY’

Ayunga swallowed nervously and followed quickly behind Zheng Yunlong. Behind the door was a narrow space, with a ladder on one of the walls that seemed to stretch up and up into the heavens itself. Zheng Yunlong rubbed his palms on the fabric of his pants. 

“I never liked this part,” he muttered to himself as he looked up, before turning to Ayunga. “It might get dark midway, but don’t be too worried about it. I can go first.” 

Zheng Yunlong licked his lips and wiped his hands again, before taking a deep breath and beginning to climb. Ayunga followed soon after. 

“I don’t think we’re supposed to be here,” Ayunga said after a moment, and heard his voice echo slightly in the narrow space. 

“Of course not. But that door hasn’t been locked in the past five years. If they cared about it they would have fixed it by now.” 

“Where did you even find this place?” 

“I told you, we were nosy recruits once. Open enough doors and eventually find one that leads to somewhere worthwhile.”

Ayunga fell silent for a little bit as he focused on climbing. It had indeed gotten slightly darker, especially with Zheng Yunlong blocking the light that came from above. It got brighter after a short moment of blind fumbling, and it wasn’t long before they reached the other end of the ladder. 

As Ayunga climbed out, he saw it: sea, miles and miles of sea as far as the eye could reach. And considering how high they were, it was pretty far. Ayunga stood up and walked over to lean against the railings. As he looked down - they must have been at least twenty floors up? - he saw the waves crashing against the side of the shatterdome. Even from up here, he could hear the crash and retreat of the water below. 

He felt his knees tremble. He tried to fish in his mind for any recollection of the sea, but it came up blank. There was a ferociousness to the currents as it slammed against the metal walls, adamant and stubborn as it attacked again and again. It seemed to be living, and it was everywhere. Yet it did not live in the same way the acres of grassland did, brimming with gentle life. There was something almost evil about the water. 

He turned and saw Zheng Yunlong sitting far away from the edge of the roof, beside an exhaust fan of some sort that was blowing warm air. Ayunga released his tight grip from the railings and went to sit next to Zheng Yunlong. The uneasiness faded instantly.

“I’m sorry, it took you a long time to start liking this place. I thought you should at least see it,” Zheng Yunlong said apologetically, stretching his legs out against the concrete. 

“And you? You didn’t even give it a second look,” Ayunga said doubtfully. 

“Ah, yeah, I’m not the best with heights. It’s okay if I sit further back though,” Zheng Yunlong said, raising his hand lazily to shield his eyes from the sun. Ayunga couldn’t help talking, though, the strange fear in his chest refusing to leave. 

“It’s very strange, the sea.” 

“You were afraid of the sea when you first saw it. You didn’t even dare to stand in the water for too long. Your face was priceless! …But that was so long ago. You’ll get used to it soon enough. Like a fish to water,” Zheng Yunlong said, with a smile at the end for his ridiculous pun. 

“Thank you, Dalong,” Ayunga said, the nickname sounding odd even as he said it. Everything about Zheng Yunlong was odd, like he was a walking deja vu . If Ayunga closed his eyes for long enough, he thought he could imagine sitting on the roof with Zheng Yunlong at a different time, long ago. It was familiar but not familiar enough. The memory was probably sitting in his mind somewhere, waiting for him to collect it. 

Zheng Yunlong removed his hand from where it shaded his eyes and turned to look at Ayunga. “What for?”

“Bringing me here. It’s a nice place,” Ayunga said, looking at the thin strip of sea that he could just see over the edge of the roof. 

“You don’t have to lie just to make me feel better,” he said, the corners of his lips turning up. Ayunga shook his head. 

“It won’t be so bad after I get used to it. And the sunrise must be very beautiful from up here.”

“Just don’t ask me to follow you. The last time I watched the sunrise I almost fell asleep. And you-” Zheng Yunlong hesitated for a moment, before changing his words. “But maybe you would enjoy it. Don’t let me hold you back,” he said instead.

Zheng Yunlong hugged his legs, looking away from Ayunga and into the bright blue canvas of sky. The sea breeze caught in his hair, sending it flying wildly in every direction, and he dug his chin into his knees. Even with Ayunga’s half-useless brain, Zheng Yunlong’s prettiness was an objective fact that he couldn't deny. He looked a little dishevelled now, the small traces of a moustache starting to poke out, sporting well-worn clothes that he definitely slept in, but for some reason the word that came to his mind was endearing. Ayunga swallowed and looked away. This was the worst time to be feeling anything of the sort. 

“Are you avoiding me?” Ayunga asked instead. He watched as Zheng Yunlong played with the hem of his own shirt, twisting it in his fingers as he thought of an answer. 

“Yes, I guess I am,” he admitted with unexpected honesty, shrugging his shoulders. Distantly, the waves continued crashing and falling, forming a steady background noise. “I thought you’d like more space.” 

Ayunga cocked his head in thought. “I don’t see why I would.”

Zheng Yunlong sighed softly, fidgeting slightly. “Do you remember last week?”

“I think we had an argument of some kind?” Ayunga recalled hesitantly. “But I really don’t remember what it was about. It couldn’t have been that bad.”

Zheng Yunlong’s expression tightened into a grimace, stubbornly avoiding Ayunga’s gaze. “I was trying to help you remember something, then got impatient and raised my voice at you. I’m sorry.” 

Ayunga smiled softly. That was it? “It’s no big deal. Sometimes it’s hard not to kick myself with how stupid I am.” 

Zheng Yunlong looked over at him, worry clear on his face, and again, that same fondness bloomed in his chest. Ayunga was beginning to suspect that it ran deeper, that there was something more between the two of them there Zheng Yunlong was refusing to say. 

“Don’t say that,” Zheng Yunlong said softly. “You risked your life to save innocent people.”

“Well, when you put it that way,” Ayunga replied, rubbing the back of his neck in faint embarrassment. “I didn’t know I was such a dramatic person.” 

“Not usually, but you had your moments. We both did,” Zheng Yunlong said with a sudden smile, as though he had remembered a particularly funny anecdote. Ayunga didn’t push, only thinking to himself that Zheng Yunlong really needed to smile more. It really suited him.

“Point being, there’s no reason to avoid me.” The sea breeze kicked up again, cooling the sweat on the back of his neck. Somewhere far below, a seagull squawked. “I like spending time with you. Or at least, it feels like past me did. Present me does too.” 

Ayunga chanced a look over, feeling like he had put his foot in his mouth like a complete fool. Surprisingly, Zheng Yunlong’s expression had softened, and it was hard to tell if the flush on his face was from the sun or something else. Huh, would you look at that?  

He looked at Ayunga out of the corner of his eyes. “That’s good to hear.” 

For a moment Ayunga wondered if the him of the past - what a strange thing to say - maybe had a not-so-small crush on Zheng Yunlong. It would make a lot of sense and explain the warm yet familiar feeling in his chest, but he didn’t think past-Ayunga would appreciate present-Ayunga spilling all his feelings. Maybe future-Ayunga might even remember the full picture one day and resent him for opening his silly mouth. 

What a mess. 

He tried to shove the worry out of his mind. When faced with the massive abyss that was his mind, wading into darkness where memories of his past five, ten, fifteen years should have been, it was too easy to feel overwhelming despair. The fear sometimes crept up on him and suffocated him before he drifted off to sleep, sometimes punched him in the face while he was minding his own business in broad fucking daylight. But there was nothing else to do except keep going. He had to trust the doctor’s words that he was improving, that he would recover with time.

The only alternative was to drown. 

“We should go out sometime. That’ll be a lot of fun,” he suggested out of nowhere, but liking the idea the more he thought about it. 

“I…” Zheng Yunlong trailed off, then seemed to change his mind. And there was that smile again, a little shy but very pleased, making his eyes crinkle at their edges. “I’d like that very much.” 

Oh, Ayunga definitely had a crush on him in the past. He still kind of did. 

“Where do you wanna go?” 

“I’ve explored everything there is to explore in the area,” Zheng Yunlong said with a wave of his hand. “You can decide.”

“Hm… skydiving?” Ayunga teased, mostly to give the butterflies in his stomach somewhere to go. 

“Oh… huh?” And Ayunga knew he had hit the mark on the head based on Zheng Yunlong’s cartoonish expression of horror. “You’re not serious, are you? Are you?”

“Of course I’m serious,” he replied firmly, as though Zheng Yunlong was the silly one. “Let’s go tomorrow and jump out of a plane together.” 

“You can go yourself, I’ll catch you from here,” Zheng Yunlong huffed in bemusement, crossing his arms across his chest. 

“ Dalong ,” Ayunga cajoled, only catching himself when Zheng Yunlong pulled back to stare at him. That was strange. He hadn’t meant to call him that, barely realising the nickname even belonged to him until it was out of his lips. Still, it felt like the most natural thing in the world. Like an old home he was returning to, where all the furniture and fixtures remained untouched.

Zheng Yunlong was the first to break away from the strange moment, rolling his eyes as if nothing had happened. "Whatever. You can pick, but if I end up anywhere more than 10 feet off the ground, I'm pushing you off. With or without a parachute."

Ayunga bumped their shoulders, shooting back playfully, "Be careful what you wish for."

“I know, Gazi,” Zheng Yunlong sighed wistfully, the nickname sweetening the air between them like warm honey. “Believe me, I know.”

Chapter Text

When he walked past the Combat Room, he heard the muffled sounds of cheering. Zheng Yunlong paused. Their martial arts training usually didn’t descend into rowdiness, but he supposed Hong Zhiguang must have given the younger boys a much needed break after the stress of the past weeks. 

He opened the door gently and slipped in, his eyes immediately caught by the two fighters circling each other in the middle of the room. They were both breathing heavily, and Zheng Yunlong thought that they must have been fighting for a while. 

Cai Chengyu was the first to engage, aiming for Ma Jia’s legs with a swing of his staff. Ma Jia hopped back deftly, raising the dun in his left hand to shield another swing from the side. He stepped in, trying to catch Cai Chengyu’s open side with a blow of his wooden shortsword, but Cai Chengyu just managed to dance out of the way. 

Zheng Yunlong tore his eyes from the fight as he felt a tug on his pants leg. The other rangers and a few cadets were all sitting on the floor around the fighting ring, their eyes following each attack and parry with eagerness. 

Huangzi Hongfan looked up at him from where he was sprawled across the floor, a twinkle in his eye. “Long-ge! Are you here to fight?” 

Zheng Yunlong sat on the floor next to him. He didn’t particularly feel like talking, but he supposed he couldn’t wander the hallways for the rest of the day. He smiled wearily. 

“No, just to watch.” 

The person sitting in front of him turned, noticing his presence with pleasant surprise. “Long-ge! How are you?”

Zheng Yunlong ignored the question, focusing instead on the nasty bruise that was beginning to bloom on Fang Shujian’s left cheek. “Ask yourself that. You were fighting just now?” 

“It looks worse than it feels,” Fang Shujian said, the curls around his head bobbing slightly as he shook his head. “You should see my opponent.” 

Beside him, Zhang Chao shoved Fang Shujian’s shoulder, then winced and clutched his hand. Fang Shujian pulled up the sleeve of Zhang Chao’s uniform with no small satisfaction, and Zheng Yunlong’s eyes couldn’t help but widen. His forearm was a fantastic shade of red and purple. 

“What did you do? Punch a wall?” Zheng Yunlong asked, astonished. 

“Yeah, I was the wall.” Fang Shujian continued to gloat. 

“You won’t be so smug when I beat you the next time,” Zhang Chao grumbled, but there was no real fire behind it. Whatever happened in the arena stayed in the arena. Zheng Yunlong couldn’t help but roll his eyes. 

“Go to the medical bay later to get it checked out. I’m serious, you’ll understand when you’re my age. When Gazi and I were still cadets-” 

Zheng Yunlong cut himself off awkwardly, unsure of whether to continue. Luckily the audience chose to erupt into cheers then, and he could pretend to be distracted by the fight. The rest were kind enough to look away from him too.

He looked up in time to see the staff land on the floor and roll away as Cai Chengyu was forced onto his back, one of Ma Jia’s hands pressing his shoulder down and the other pressing the wooden sword against his throat. That was considerably gentle by Ma Jia’s standards. He had once knelt on Zheng Yunlong’s chest and almost broke a rib. 

Huangzi Hongfan leaned across him to nudge Liang Pengjie. “I told you so. You owe me.” 

Liang Pengjie clicked his tongue in irritation. “Fifty dollars.” 

“We agreed on a hundred!” 

“ You said a hundred, I didn’t agree to it.”

Zheng Yunlong turned to him curiously. “You bet in favour of Cai Chengyu?”

Liang Pengjie shrugged, arms folded in embarrassment. “I kind of had to, that kid was pestering me to death.” 

“Zheng Yunlong!” Ma Jia’s voice rang through the room, and suddenly he felt every eye on him. He looked up in confusion, then stood up when it seemed as though Ma Jia had more to say. 

“Don’t act like you can get out of this fight,” Ma Jia said, his voice carrying easily, his accent rough around the edges. “Come here.” 

Zheng Yunlong blinked slowly, and looked down at his own jacket and sweatpants then back up at Ma Jia for added effect. “You want me to fight? Like this?” 

“Just sounds like an excuse to me.” 

“I didn’t sleep last night.”

“And I just had a fight. Come on, I’ll even let you choose my weapon for me.” 

“Dalong, decide quickly,” Hong Zhiguang chimed in, his towering form noticeable even at the other end of the practice room, watching the interaction unfold curiously. 

Zheng Yunlong huffed. He really, really wasn’t in any shape to fight, but it wasn’t as though he wanted to win anyway. Getting his ass handed to him by Ma Jia would be better than sitting around and letting his mind run in circles. 

“If you lose you can blame Caicai for not fighting hard enough,” Ma Jia said with a laugh, and beside him Cai Chengyu sputtered, before throwing his hands into the air indignantly and putting his staff back on the weapons rack. 

Zheng Yunlong clapped Cai Chengyu on the shoulder as he passed him, sizing up all the weapons. Should he choose something that wouldn’t hurt so much? Or maybe something that everyone knew Ma Jia was weak at? 

“Does that mean I can make you fight using a broomstick? What about the table? You can be just like Jackie Chan.” Zheng Yunlong tossed over his shoulder as he looked over his options, his voice dry like firewood. 

“Very fair of you, Dalong,” he heard Ma Jia call back to him. 

“Didn’t say I was going to be fair,” Zheng Yunlong muttered to himself, rubbing his palms against his legs, the sweat already starting to form. He was most familiar with the double dao, preferring to fight up close and double down on any openings he saw. But the curve of the wooden weapon only made his stomach turn. All he wanted to do was kick and scream until the restless energy within his limbs found a release. Maybe…

He whipped back to face Ma Jia without having reached for any weapon. “We fight with our fists.” 

The cadets scattered around the practice room floor broke out into heightened whispers and unsubtle looks. Ma Jia only looked at him with a ferocious grin. 

“Do you wanna be Jackie Chan or Donnie Yen?” he taunted in his usual open manner.

“I’m Zheng Yunlong, thank you very much,” Zheng Yunlong smirked back. 

“You’re fighting with gloves.” Hong Zhiguang’s powerful voice carried the command easily. He openly ignored both Ma Jia and Zheng Yunlong’s groans. “I’m not having anyone break any fingers. Again .” 

Reluctantly, both of them slipped to the side of the room to pick up a pair of boxing gloves each. 

“You alright?” Ma Jia’s soft voice floated over the short distance between them. Despite his gruff exterior and gruffer voice, he had a heart softer than most at the Shatterdome. Zheng Yunlong focused intently on securing the velcro straps to his wrist.

“Never better,” he replied, taking a couple of test swings. “Let’s hope I remember how to fight.”

Ma Jia snorted, letting the topic rest. “For your sake, I hope so.”   

Both of them approached the center of the makeshift fighting ring cautiously, sizing each other up for a tense moment, hands curled into loose fists in front of them. It had been a long time since they had fought each other, and neither of them wanted to stumble blindly into a trap.

"Come on!" Hong Zhiguang's commanding voice spurred them into action, and Zheng Yunlong took the initiative impatiently, launching from his crouched position to land a quick jab aimed for Ma Jia's chin. 

Ma Jia was far too experienced to fall for the first strike. He dodged quickly, responding with a quick strike of his own that Zheng Yunlong barely managed to block with his forearm. The pain was dulled because of the gloves but it was sweet nonetheless, cutting through the haze of his mind for the first time in days. He could almost swear the very blood in his veins was sluggish, unused to doing its job for so long. 

Another strike, jab, dodge, uppercut. Neither of them could be accused of pulling back any punches, but they were both skilled enough to last the first few minutes relatively unscathed. They came together in an explosive exchange before backing off cautiously, spinning an intricate dance that only the two of them were privy to. The cheers of their little audience mixed with the wind whipping past Zheng Yunlong's ears as he ducked and weaved formed an intoxicating backdrop. 

Come on, come on, come on, he willed his body and mind to stay sharp, thrilling at the way he was being pushed. The way his arms moved and body shifted felt like a second skin, his instincts reaching out to catch him like an old friend. Even the blows - both the ones he dealt and received - felt like coming home.

They were both soon exhausted, though Zheng Yunlong was annoyed to see Ma Jia maintaining perfect posture when he felt like his own lungs would collapse. Zheng Yunlong had been neglecting his training for too long - not that he could be blamed.

Each breath became harder than the last, and the sweat stung his eyes and dripped from his chin like a steady faucet. He knew he wouldn’t last long against Ma Jia’s relentless fighting style, but he greeted the thought with relief. He didn’t need to win, just being back in the ring was good enough. He raised his fists back up in front of him. 

Ma Jia struck fast, unwilling to step back now that momentum was on his side. Zheng Yunlong fell back onto the defensive, blocking jabs and hooks in a way he knew would leave bruises behind. In desperation, he aimed a cross punch at his stomach, but Ma Jia stepped in quickly to foil the attempt. Suddenly Zheng Yunlong felt a pressure on the back of his knees, and his already weak legs folded under him like a house of cards. He was on his back, his lungs empty of air and staring up at the ceiling lights before he could even blink. 

He gave up on the idea of standing up almost immediately, and laughed, loud and bright. His poor stomach muscles protested vehemently. “That’s not allowed!” 

Ma Jia appeared in the corner of his vision. “Yeah, well, we didn’t set any rules. Expect the unexpected.” 

Zheng Yunlong snorted, savouring the grubby rubber texture of the fighting mat at his back and the sweat already cooling on his skin. His head throbbed in time with his heart, an incessant reminder that he was here and that he was alive. The thought hadn’t been a welcome one for a long time.  

“So I should expect you to cheat?” Zheng Yunlong huffed. He ripped his gloves off carelessly before taking the hand Ma Jia reached out. The world took a moment to right itself as he got to his feet. 

“Cheating? That’s not cheating, that’s creativity ,” Ma Jia scoffed right back, resting his arm across Zheng Yunlong’s shoulders as they walked away from the sparring ring. 

“Good fight guys. Although you better not do that again, Ma Jia,” Hong Zhiguang chided lightly but then turned and called for the next set of cadets in the same breath. Next to him, Ma Jia just shrugged. 

“Stick around for a little. We’re all going to get dinner together. And Dalong?”

“Hm?”

Ma Jia stopped in his tracks, turning to face Zheng Yunlong head on. He had a serious look on his face now, rare for someone who liked to joke around and toss sarcastic remarks like peanut shells, but it fit his face well. Zheng Yunlong already knew where this was going.

“You’re alright?” At least the way Ma Jia asked it wasn’t cloying or pitying. It was matter-of-fact, the way he might ask in the gym if he saw someone struggling with weights that were too heavy. 

Zheng Yunlong went for his automatic response, but something about a casual brush off didn’t seem right. He looked past Ma Jia at the eager cadets, watching Zhang Chao push someone in front of him then curse loudly at his bruised arm, or the way Huangzi Hongfan had his arms looped around Gao Yang - gossiping, if the light in his eye was anything to go by. He thought of Ayunga then, who was steadily improving by the day. Zheng Yunlong would have to bring him here soon. He thought of how silly it would be trying to teach him to fight again, how the cadets would crowd round like puppies before he had to chase them away, how Ayunga would have him flat on the ground within an afternoon with how skilled he was. 

He thought about how much they would laugh at their mistakes instead of mourning what they had lost.

“Yeah,” Zheng Yunlong replied sincerely, shocked at how easy it was to say. Because it was the truth, plain and simple. Who would have thought? “Yeah, I think I’m alright.”