Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

7:48 am

BUMBUM created a group chat

BUMBUM named the chat room Ipliers

BUMBUM added darkiplier

BUMBUM added damuffinman

BUMBUM Google_Blue

BUMBUM added sk8tr bruh

BUMBUM added spectactularshowhost

BUMBUM added shut up NURSE

BUMBUM added HOST

BUMBUM added sun boi

BUMBUM added goin nutty

BUMBUM added theonewiththemic

BUMBUM added theonewiththecamera

BUMBUM added muffins4senpai

BUMBUM added knockoffzuko

BUMBUM added insert whip crack

Hey guys! :you

  I made this group chat for emergencies :you

But you can use it for nonemergencies too :) :you

BUMBUM left the chat room

muffins4senpai: wait why would he make us a group chat ksdjgflj

muffins4senpai: we all live in the same fucking house

muffins4senpai changed the chat room name from Ipliers to literally the stupidest fucking thing ever

goin nutty: hey quick question: where’s magnum

shut up NURSE: captain doesn’t use his phone

goin nutty: i meant in the house you expired ding dong

goin nutty: but yeah i was going to ask that next

sk8tr bruh: that is the funniest ******* insult ive ever seen

spectacularshowhost: hahahahaha not the censorship

spectacularshowhost: i cant believe it actually does that through text too

sk8tr bruh: says the dude who actually typed out “hahaha” instead of keysmashing

spectacularshowhost: you right you right ill shut up now

darkiplier: @goin nutty I belive Captain Magnum is near the picnic benches in the backyard.

goin nutty: ok thank you sir

darkiplier: You’re welcome, King.

darkiplier: We need to establish some rules for this group chat

darkiplier: because even though Fischbach said we may use it for nonemergencies,

darkiplier: we need to be able to tell when there’s an emergency

muffins4senpai: ok well if theres an emergency we have to type “AHHHHH THERES AN EMERGENCY” before we say what it is

muffins4senpai: type I if you agree

muffins4senpai: I

shut up NURSE: I

sk8tr bruh: I

sun boi: I

theonewiththemic: I

theonewiththecamera: I

knockoffzuko: I

insert whip crack: I

darkiplier: Yan I think that is a horrendous idea

muffins4senpai: yeah well its short and to the point

muffins4senpai: and majority rules old man

knockoffzuko: whoa whoa whoa dont disrespect gramps like that yan

muffins4senpai: you right 😔

muffins4senpai: my bad peepaw 😔

sk8tr bruh changed darkiplier ’s name to peepaw

peepaw left the chatroom

sk8tr bruh: did we just bully THE darkiplier into leaving a group chat

muffins4senpai: fs in chat for our fallen leader. may peepaw rest in peace

sk8tr bruh: f

damuffinman: f

knockoffzuko: f

insert whip crack: F

sun boi: F

HOST: The host asks why his phone is glitching and vibrating at frequent intervals

spectacularshowhost: host how do you even have access to this chat room

sun boi: text to speech i think

knockoffzuko: text to speech

insert whip crack: text to speech

muffins4senpai: text to speech dumbass

HOST: The host’s phone is doing it again, and the host is very confused

sk8tr bruh: wait hold on guys let the jims explain

Google_Blue: Bing that is a horrible idea

sk8tr bruh: too late tin can theyre typing lsdjfhsklg

theonewiththemic: 🎮📲📞💾☎️⏰🧼🗑🧭🎙

theonewiththecamera: 🧭🧼☎️📞🎮🗑🎙⏰💾

HOST: The host regrets ever asking

HOST: …

HOST: The host may need Googleplier’s assistance. He thinks his phone is experiencing a stroke

Chapter Text

8:03 am

TossBoy created a group chat

TossBoy named the chat room Septics

TossBoy added glitchbitch

TossBoy added zee good doktah

TossBoy added chase daniels

TossBoy added supermarketspiderman

TossBoy added Marvin the Magnificent

TossBoy added jameson jackson

Hey guys :) :you

This room is here in case something drastic happens at the house :you

which would not be surprising in the slightest :you

Just try not to burn it down, like usual :you

TossBoy left the chat room

glitchbitch: you guys are boring god

glitchbitch changed Marvin the Magnificent ’s name to pussy talented it does card tricks

glitchbitch changed jameson jackson ’s name to puppetkjdfbkgsd

glitchbitch changed the chat room name from Septics to the pissbabies

pussy talented it does card tricks: anti what the fuck

pussy talented it does card tricks: also i thought you used glitch effects on your texts

glitchbitch: w̷͇͑o̸̡̺̜͊ű̸̧̙̮̹͐͝l̸̨͖͇̯̻͗d̷̼̱̞̪͖͋ ̵̡̺̯͍̦̈̈́͆͘y̵̡̛̳̞̫̝̻͊̓͑̏͋ơ̸͚͇̫̬̼̒̅u̸̬͕͉̗͈͝͝ ̴̨̢̤̫̌̉̊̆ļ̷̩ḭ̷̡̬̟̰̇͠ͅķ̴̠̜̖̈͆̄͘ë̸̗͚͙̩̓̓̎̊͜ ̴̰̼̘̙̮͂͋̋m̴̠͕̝͛̆̒͜e̶̖̽̏̈̉̾ ̵̧̛͌̃͘̚͠ṭ̸̭̌͜ȯ̴̬̪̘̖͉͎́̃͑͘?̶̣̬̗̂̎̒̐̽

supermarketspiderman: marvin you just had to say something smh

pussy talented it does card tricks: no please dont use the effects im sorry

zee good doktah: Wait where is robbie?

chase daniels: rob cant use a phone :(

chase daniels: well wait he can use a phone he just cant type good

supermarketspiderman: how do you know robbie can use a phone??

chase daniels: he beat my candy crush high score :((((

pussy talented it does card tricks: you play candy crush? jeez no wonder we call you a boomer

chase daniels: then whats schneep??

pussy talented it does card tricks: ok true

zee good doktah: I am right here huys

chase daniels: huys

supermarketspiderman: huys

glitchbitch: huys

pussy talented it does card tricks: huys

zee good doktah: Oh fuck off

puppetkjdfbkgsd: Do any of you know where Robbie went to? I was watching him but he just… disappeared on me.

glitchbitch: woah it is weird seeing jj speak

zee good doktah: What do you mean speak, he cant talk and you know that

glitchbitch: i mean i use all of your voices to read your texts in my head

glitchbitch: but i dont know what fucking voice to use for jj

pussy talented it does card tricks: ooh ooh do a really deep one

glitchbitch: wait actually it kind of works

chase daniels: @puppetkjdfbkgsd i think hes out in the yard, but im looking out my window and i dont see him

supermarketspiderman: chase is he outside or not

chase daniels: idk man i swear i saw him walk out but hes not there now!!

supermarketspiderman: well then where the fuck is he chase

chase daniels: i dont know!!! :((

pussy talented it does card tricks: did we really just lose a bright purple manchild

glitchbitch: i blame jj

chase daniels: yeah its jjs fault jackie idk why youre yelling at me 

chase daniels: thats not nice :(

puppetkjdfbkgsd: It’s not my fault that Robbie pretty much teleports away every time you look away from him

pussy talented it does card tricks: i mean maybe he can

pussy talented it does card tricks: we might need to consult the parent

glitchbitch: no wait no dont bring him back in here

pussy talented it does card tricks added TossBoy

pussy talented it does card tricks changed TossBoy ’s name to mothern

Did something happen in the literal five minutes since I made the group chat? :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: yes

puppetkjdfbkgsd: Unfortunately yes

chase daniels: yup

glitchbitch: no everything is fine

Alright what did you all do :you

supermarketspiderman: jj would you like to explain what you did

Jackie I dont believe that Jameson is capable of doing anything wrong :you

puppetkjdfbkgsd: Mr. McGloughlin I lost the child. I lost Robbie. I am a horrible monster of a man.

puppetkjdfbkgsd: I need to know if he is scripted with the ability to teleport

puppetkjdfbkgsd: I turned away from him for all of two seconds and he was gone, and we all know how slow he walks

You guys know that I havent ‘scripted’ anything for any of you right :you

None of you were planned lol so if Robbie can teleport I wouldnt know about it :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: are you fucking kidding me right now

pussy talented it does card tricks: you know what fine then ill contact the other egos

mothern left the chat room

pussy talented it does card tricks added peepaw

pussy talented it does card tricks added your freestyle dance teacher *dances*

pussy talented it does card tricks: Dark, Bernice, help

peepaw: Well spit it out, Marvin, I don’t have all day

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: im sorry we’re just going to gloss over the fact that darks screen name is PEEPAW?!?!

peepaw: I can not change it back and I am three seconds away from ripping apart a certain pair of androids

peepaw: And Marvin will be next if he doesn’t explain what is happening

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: just scroll up dude

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: oh shit you guys lost robbie?? wow 10/10 siblings

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: honestly the group chat name is right you septics are a bunch of pissbabies

supermarketspiderman: wow thanks bernice

supermarketspiderman: but yeah we lost him and its jjs fault

puppetkjdfbkgsd: I apologize 😔

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: dude its fine honestly 

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: ill keep a lookout. If robbie shows up over here ill bet all of you ten bucks that he’ll be in the kitchen with mrs thomson

peepaw: I suppose I will watch for him as well. He would most likely be with Derekson or Yan if he did somehow appear gere

supermarketspiderman: gere

pussy talented it does card tricks: gere

chase daniels: gere

glitchbitch: gere

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: get his ass

peepaw left the chat room

Chapter Text

8:08 am

your freestyle dance teacher *dances* created a group chat

your freestyle dance teacher *dances* named the chat room robbie protection/location squad

your freestyle dance teacher *dances* added blanketboy

your freestyle dance teacher *dances* added wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi

your freestyle dance teacher *dances* added fedUPSwithyourshit

your freestyle dance teacher *dances* added Yahoo!

your freestyle dance teacher *dances* added literal piss baby

guys we have a situation :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: if its anything like the chat name then im going to have a talk with the septics

fedUPSwithyourshit: wait what happened to robbie bernice

if youd let me fucking type i could tell you jeez :you

james was supposed to watching robbie but he disappeared :you

Yahoo!: Jameson or Robbie

 who do you fucking think :you

 yahoo youre an android youre not supposed to be braindead :you

Yahoo!: Ouch OK

fedUPSwithyourshit: why didn’t you just use the other group chat

fedUPSwithyourshit: maybe youre the braindead one ber

Im not getting father involved bc im not sure how hed react to robbie :you

Or nestor because he has twenty million other things to do other than locating a zombie :you

Yahoo!: OK OK do they know where he last was?

chase said he might have been in the backyard but he wasnt sure :you

And it turns out sean doesnt know if robbie is able to teleport since he wasnt scripted :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: oh shit so robbies like us?

apparently all of them are, the fans made them first and then sean decided to use them :you

kind of like dark in 2012 actually :you

Yahoo!: How do you even know about that?

Yahoo!: We weren’t around then, not even Blank

wilf :you

Yahoo!: OK that makes sense

fedUPSwithyourshit: are we going to get back to finding the child???

Yeah ok so i need all of you to keep a lookout :you

and i need someone to tell gran because robbie will most likely gravitate to her :you

its that fucking parent energy that hes attracted to dlsfjhlhkg :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: am i allowed to go chew the septics out

sure ig :you

hey wait make sure to ask chase and james more questions :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: you got it ber

Yahoo!: I’ll stay outside and make sure that if Robbie appears he doesn’t walk into the pool and drown

fedUPSwithyourshit: ill go around the specials in case he runs into gooz

literal piss baby: i guess i’ll stay in the living room then, after i tell mrs. thomson our problem

perfect then since i was planning on patrolling the bedroom hallway :you

If any of you come across him you need to call me or marvin ok :you

literal piss baby: yes ma’am

Yahoo!: Yes ma’am

fedUPSwithyourshit: yes maam

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: yes maam

 and for the love of god if you see father tell him the ipliers lost a squirrel or something :you

 i really dont want another witchcraft incident :you

Chapter Text

8:08 am

damuffinman added peepaw

Thank you, Wilford. :you

I hate to use Yan’s plan, but “AHHHHH THERES AN EMERGENCY” :you

The Septics have a problem. Robert has gone missing :you

And Google and Bing, you two need to change my username immediately :you

sk8tr bruh: oh uh

sk8tr bruh: see we um

sk8tr bruh: heres the funny thing about it gramps

Google_Blue: Bing has somehow configured your new username to be permanent.

sk8tr bruh: well i was going to let him down gently but thanks googs ig

muffins4senpai: bing oh god you might want to run

muffins4senpai: i just heard his roar of rage from halfway across the manor

sun boi: so i guess they won’t be able to help find robbie?

knockoffzuko: its alright well find him sun

knockoffzuko: i dont know how much help bing would be anyway lol

sk8tr bruh: im still here and ill get you for that later

spectacularshowhost: i think i know how to find rob

spectacularshowhost: if we all stay within sight of eric well be good

insert whip crack: uh i

insert whip crack: thats a really good idea actually

muffins4senpai: i call first dibs on eric watching duty

knockoffzuko: aww no fair you type too fast

sun boi: what if i said that i don’t agree with bim’s plan

muffins4senpai: im assuming this is a hypothetical situation

muffins4senpai: and in this hypothetical situation i would say to you eric

muffins4senpai: ‘too bad because if illinois, dumb as he is, agreed to the plan then we have to do it’

spectacularshowhost: thems the rules bud

insert whip crack: thats not nice yan :(

sun boi: wha

sun boi: are you all serious

sun boi: please tell me you’re joking

sun boi: nevermind you’re not joking i can see yan running up to me

sun boi: hleppppppppppppppppoiouippuppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp

knockoffzuko: jeezus yan you’re killin him

shut up NURSE: i have been ignoring this group chat but i think now is the time to intervene

shut up NURSE: eric type a peach emoji if you’re safe

sun boi: 🥭

shut up NURSE: close enough

muffins4senpai: you couldve chosen any emoji for him to use as a safeword and you chose the peach???

knockoffzuko: lets maybe not talk about safewords or peaches when illy an bim are in the same chat

insert whip crack: you rang

spectacularshowhost: you rang

sun boi: can we please get back to finding robbie?? please?

sun boi: im going outside to make sure he doesn’t appear there

sun boi: wait dark are you done dismantling bing

I did not yet get the opportunity, but is there something you need Derekson? :you

sun boi: yes um

sun boi: can robbie teleport?

The Septics have no known knowledge of if Robert has the ability, and apparently McGloughlin has no control over Robert’s character. :you

sun boi: thank you sir

You’re welcome. :you

sun boi: ok guys im going outside now with yan

damuffinman: you know we should add fishie back in here

Wilford do not. :you

damuffinman added BUMBUM

damuffinman: too late!!!!!!!!

BUMBUM: Did something happen? Are you guys ok?

BUMBUM: Oh no is the house on fire again

BUMBUM: Guys come on I don’t think I can find 20 more fire extinguishers

spectacularshowhost: robbie went missing

knockoffzuko: robs gone boss

insert whip crack: robbie escaped

theonewiththemic: 🍀🚓🚙🏡🧸✂️💜⚛️🚹⏪

theonewiththecamera: 🟪🟣🍀🏡🚙✂️🧸⏰💀👎

shut up NURSE: i think robbies missing

BUMBUM: Uh maybe I should just ask Dark

Fischbach I did not want to involve you in this but Robert from the Septics is missing. :you

Jackson was supposedly watching him but he disappeared suddenly. :you

And McGloughlin does not have control over what the zombie’s powers are. :you

BUMBUM: Well shit he could be anywhere then

BUMBUM: I guess Ill call Seán and ask him what he wants me to do even though I probably wont listen

BUMBUM: Unless he tells me to be on the lookout, because of course I would want to help

BUMBUM: And you guys better help too

BUMBUM: Dont think I didnt scroll up and saw only Eric trying to find Robbie

knockoffzuko: you got it boss

shut up NURSE: alright

spectacularshowhost: ok

damuffinman: ok doki fishie

insert whip crack: ok

BUMBUM left the chat room

All of you are responsible for patrolling the Manor. Claim your spots now. We know Derekson and Yan are in the yard already. :you

spectacularshowhost: wilf and i can take the studio and maybe that little hallway next to it

knockoffzuko: i got the bedroom hallway

shut up NURSE: i am staying in my office. if robbie appears he will most definitely attach himself to either eric or magnum

insert whip crack: oh yeah magnum has no idea whats happening. Ill go tell him i guess

theonewiththemic: 🥬🥦🥒🥝🌽🍞🥯🥞🍳🧀

theonewiththecamera: 🥟🍣🍛🍜🌮🍖🥩🥨🌶🍌🍇

 I am going to assume that means the Jims are going to be in the kitchen. :you

spectacularshowhost: wait dark where are you going to be

I will be visiting the Cranks, because god knows if any of them are capable of actually following through with a plan. :you

But before that I need to find where Bing went to. I am not letting this go unpunished. :you

spectacularshowhost: ok boomer

knockoffzuko: ok boomer

Google_Blue changed peepaw ’s name to peepaw the resident boomer

Google is next. The both of you need to come out of your workshop now. :you

sk8tr bruh: what if i told you that we were looking for rob

Google_Blue: We are indeed attempting to locate Robert

shut up NURSE: you two need to stop, darks screaming is interrupting my work

peepaw the resident boomer left the chat room

Chapter Text

12:37 pm

guess who found our boyyyyyyyyy :you

chase daniels: out of all the people to find robbie i did not expect it to be anti

it wasnt me dumbass :you

i told you to fucking guess who did :you

chase daniels: ok jeezus um

chase daniels: was it one of the ipliers

chase daniels: fuck wait i hope it wasnt one of the ipliers 

chase daniels: except eric id trust him

none of you would ever get this correct :you

wait brody are you the only one on?? :you

chase daniels: uh i think so. mike came over and i think hes still beating up the others

 yikes im glad i can teleport :you

 but anyway blank found robbie :you

chase daniels: your jokin anti

chase daniels: your fuckin jokin theres no way

yeah and now theyre best buds apparently :you

chase daniels: well good on him i guess

chase daniels: poor kid needed more friends

chase daniels: is robbie still over there

yeah but bernice called me and i heard him over the phone :you

chase you wont believe me but robbie was actually speaking :you

it was only like small sentences and they were drawn out but the kid was talking :you

chase daniels: i might need to go over there for myself

chase daniels: youre right i dont believe you but if rob is talking i might actually cry

since when are you not crying :you

chase daniels: anti now is not the time

chase daniels: i need to track down marvin

chase daniels: wait where are you? I could just teleport with you

 no you are not doing that ridealong shit :you

 do you know how hard that is brody :you

chase daniels: ok ok fine ill find marvin then

chase daniels: i think mike left because i dont hear screaming anymore

what the fuck was mike doing to make them scream :you

chase daniels: it looked like some sort of waterboarding but not really

chase daniels: i dont know and im glad i hid in my room

chase daniels: ok i found marvin should i tell him that they found robbie

no you fucking idiot let robbie have some more time with his friend :you

chase daniels: since when were you like this

 brody if you send that next sentence i will come over there and decapitate you in front of eric :you

chase daniels: aw shit i forgot you can see through screens or whatever

chase daniels: ok i guess i wont send it

just call one of the cranks or ask the pussy to make a portal :you

chase daniels: since youre insisting that i dont interrupt the kids playdate

chase daniels: ill just call yahoo or something

chase daniels: wait i could facetime him thats even better

chase daniels: ok bye im going to see our boy be happy

zee good doktah: Alright what are you all doing to make my phone vibrate every half second

scroll up boomer :you

zee good doktah: Oh you found Robert! JJ will be happy

pussy talented it does card tricks: ok why did chase walk up to me look at his phone and then walk away

pussy talented it does card tricks: wait i scrolled up nvm

pussy talented it does card tricks: seriously anti you found robbie and didnt tell us

are you stupid :you

this is a group chat dumbass i did tell everyone :you

and i didnt find robbie blank did :you

did you even fucking read the chat god :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: ok ok so maybe i cant fucking read whatever

pussy talented it does card tricks: but ill have to see it to believe that blank is with robbie

pussy talented it does card tricks: that boy is like never seen out of his room

zee good doktah: I think meeting the Ipliers helped him out of his shell

zee good doktah: But yes I am surprised too

zee good doktah: I think I want to join in on Chases call to see if this is real

pussy talented it does card tricks: yeah me too

pussy talented it does card tricks: anti do you know where he went

hes definitely not in his specialty room :you

and his door is definitely not unlocked now :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: thanks anti i owe you

zee good doktah: Wait was that sarcasm Anti?

zee good doktah: Nevermind Marvin just ran into me. It was not sarcasm

Chapter Text

11:52 am

are you all seeing this :you

im :you

is that blank and robbie :you

holy shit :you

fedUPSwithyourshit: wait what

fedUPSwithyourshit: bernice are you serious where are you

looking outside to the patio :you

i think theyre drawing :you

oh my god blank is smiling :you

ahhhhhhh i think robbies laughing :you

im crying oh my god :you

fedUPSwithyourshit: ok so bernice wasnt lying

fedUPSwithyourshit: wait what are we gonna do

fedUPSwithyourshit: they look like theyre having fun but we need to tell the septics that we found rob

i got it guys dont worry about it :you

fedUPSwithyourshit: seriously bernice you could have called any septic and you chose anti

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: wow post stalker much

fedUPSwithyourshit: shes right next to me how is that stalking

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: idk man seems kind of sus

fedUPSwithyourshit: oh shut up

Yahoo!: Mike you really should come over here, this is adorable

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: cant 😔 i gotta make sure my fuckin ice cream machine doesnt explode again

literal piss baby: uh again???

literal piss baby: guys when did it happen the first time

fedUPSwithyourshit: you mean the fifth time

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: post i would pay you rn to shut the fuck up

fedUPSwithyourshit: bet send me $100

literal piss baby: i am beginning to regret my decision to move over here

fedUPSwithyourshit: DID YOU JUST SEND ME $1000 MIKE????????

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: oops extra zero

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: but yeah stop typing now

literal piss baby: mike wha

literal piss baby: where do you get that kind of money

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: children

Yahoo!: Care to elaborate?

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: absolutely not

ok i just called anti and i had no idea he could be that happy :you

well let them at it for another thirty minutes or so before we go out there :you

i dont think blank knows whats going on but i dont want to interrupt them :you

can someone tell the ipliers that we found robbie :you

Yahoo!: Already calling Bing

Yahoo!: Um that’s weird

Yahoo!: Bing isn’t answering and he usually answers on the second ring

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: maybe hes charging or something dude

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: ill just text king hes more reliable

literal piss baby: im by the doors now and oh my god blank looks so happy

literal piss baby: but my brotherly instincts are telling me to fuck shit up

unus dont you dare :you

fuck shit up in here not out there with the children :you

literal piss baby: but i wannnakjdnkalssjd;kgjb;ivhwkr.nsew

Yahoo!: Unus are you alright?

literal piss baby: noooipyturperetr

he keeps slamming his phone into his head but hes ok ig :you

oh my god wait wheres mrs thomson she needs to see this :you

Yahoo!: Gran is in the kitchen I think

literal piss baby: kjdfhg;5hqgo350n[goirlvwjkmDA’P

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: ok the ipliers have been told

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: and i asked about bing

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: apparently he got beat up over darks username or something

 oh yeah i forgot to tell you guys about that dfkjhlhdk :you

 his screenname is peepaw :you

literal piss baby: nowy kjgn;laksnd’faks

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: yeah theres no way

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: wait let me guess

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: bing changed it and couldnt change it back

yeah i think :you

dumbass shouldnt have cyberbullied smh :you

literal piss baby: lkadhslgahjsd

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi changed fedUPSwithyourshit ’s name to i fell for a bribe uwu

mike i want to let you know that post is currently running towards your general direction :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: oh boohoo whats he gonna do make my machine break again

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: im rich i honestly shouldve just bought a new one by now

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: AH SHT FUC NOT THS SIDE R POSE HEPLSLJNDKLFJBEFN

literal piss baby: haha keysmash buds skjfnkjleba;srjdghl

Chapter Text

10:26 am

guys whos sock is this :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

actually here i found a bunch more :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

i dont know why they are under my bed because none of my subjects have been outside of the kingdom lately :you

spectacularshowhost: they are mostly pink and red so im going to assume theyre yans or wilfords

spectacularshowhost: @muffins4senpai @damuffinman are those yours

damuffinman: nope i dont wear socks anymore!!!

shut up NURSE: wilford thats disgusting

muffins4senpai: uh king none of those are mine

muffins4senpai: i don’t have any socks in those particular shades

well whos are they??? I dont want them under my bed anymore :you

muffins4senpai: just priv message the others or something

shut up NURSE: King just take some of the socks and start walking around, youre sure to happen across one of us that owns them

muffins4senpai: ten bucks says they belong to dark

damuffinman: your on yannie!!!!

spectacularshowhost: oh shit i just realized that all of the socks that king laid out dont match

spectacularshowhost: so king you could just walk around and ask if people are missing single socks

darkiplier: What in the world is causing my phone to vibrate so much

darkiplier: Nevermind. King, how have you acquired so many unmatching socks?

thats what im trying to figure out. Are they yours dark :you

darkiplier: I wear nothing but black. You know this.

muffins4senpai: edgelord

damuffinman: edgelord

spectacularshowhost: edgelorddddd

HOST: The host’s phone is glitching again @Google_Blue

Google_Blue: Your phone is not glitching, Host. Everyone in the groupchat needs to stop typing the same things at the same time, it tampers with Host’s text to speech function

muffins4senpai: sorry host

spectacularshowhost: ^^

HOST: The host is sorry for the inconvenience

your fine host :you

and while youre listening do you wear pink or red socks :you

HOST: The host does not wear socks as he can never tell when he is wearing a matching pair

HOST: And the host does not know what color his emergency socks are

spectacularshowhost: doesnt host know like everything

spectacularshowhost: he can just tell us who they belong to

or how they got under my bed!!! :you

HOST: The host can tell you who’s they are but not where they came from. That would ruin the mystery.

HOST: The socks from under the King of the Squirrels’ bed all belong to @insert whip crack

damuffinman: guess who owe me moneyyyyy

muffins4senpai: fucking whatever

insert whip crack: host i am going to murder you for exposing my secret

ok lets not get violent over the color of someones socks :you

muffins4senpai: yeah illy all socks are created equal

muffins4senpai: are you saying by wearing pink socks it makes you inferior

muffins4senpai: god what a white guy move

insert whip crack: well im not white and no im not saying that

insert whip crack: i just think its embarrassing so ill take my socks from king and everyone will ignore this particular section of the chat room

muffins4senpai took a screenshot of the chat room!

goin nutty took a screenshot of the chat room!

HOST took a screenshot of the chat room!

knockoffzuko took a screenshot of the chat room!

damuffinman took a screenshot of the chat room!

spectacularshowhost took a screenshot of the chat room!

knockoffzuko: pfffff host whydya screenshot you cant even see it

HOST: The host likes to have blackmail material in the event that someone goes through his phone

ok is everyone going to ignore that cryptid part about ruining the mystery of where the socks came from :you

muffins4senpai: its illinois probem now it was his socks

muffins4senpai: illinois smith and the single sock snatcher

insert whip crack: i am going to turn you into eye cream

knockoffzuko changed muffins4senpai 's name to eye cream

knockoffzuko: whajdaksjdhaljf

spectacularshowhost: illinois thats a very specific threat

spectacularshowhost: did anti possess you or something

knockoffzuko: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

knockoffzuko: HELP SOMETHNI GABBD RHESOC OFF MY FOTO

eye cream: what the fuck yancy you couldnt have taken a worse picture

spectacularshowhost: is it just me or does the thing look a little like bing

spectacularshowhost: well i mean it looks like a blurry blob but i swear that thats bings orange color

insert whip crack: @sk8tr bruh stop stealing our socks

insert whip crack: is this out of jealousy

insert whip crack: are you jealous that i am cooler and hotter than you ever will be

sk8ter bruh: uh dude thats not me

sk8ter bruh: did you even look at the picture the proportions of ‘me’ to the door frame are all wrong

sk8ter bruh: ‘im’ like ******* five inches tall if you think thats me

shut up NURSE: can one of you stop yancy from running up and down the hallway with a sock

shut up NURSE: oh uh wait

knockoffzuko: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

knockoffzuko: i got the little son of a bitch

knockoffzuko: and bing it is you you fucker

eye cream: oh my god yancy youre gonna choke him dont hold him like that

knockoffzuko: little shit doesnt need air to live

knockoffzuko: and he wont let go of my sock so he deserves it

sk8ter bruh: actually uh i kind of do need air

sk8ter bruh: it helps with cleaning my internal structure or something

insert whip crack: hey yancy are you by any chance still outside of docs door

insert whip crack: not for any reason or anything

insert whip crack: i definitely dont want to join you in killing that thing

spectacularshowhost: bing thats not you because it has a white shirt

spectacularshowhost: so what is that

sk8tr bruh: oh uh thats mini bing

sk8tr bruh: i accidentally made him after that google gets an upgrade thing

eye cream: so hes been around for three or four years

eye cream: and you never bothered to tell us that he likes socks????

sk8tr bruh: i didnt know that ok jeez

sk8tr bruh: leave mini alone

spectacularshowhost: i think its too late because yancy and illinois have stopped shouting insults at them

sk8tr bruh: NO BRUHS DONT KILL HIM

shut up NURSE: (▶︎ VIEW VIDEO)

shut up NURSE: If they’re going to kill somone outside my door I might as well document it

sk8tr bruh: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

eye cream: fs in the chat for mini bing

spectacularshowhost: we cant do that anymore because of host remember

eye cream: oh yeah my bad

Google_Blue: What have you all done to make Bing attempt to evade his child-friendly feature in fifteen different languages

Chapter Text

2:14 am

supermarketspiderman: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

supermarketspiderman: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

supermarketspiderman: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

supermarketspiderman: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

zee good doktah: Please for the love of god stop

zee good doktah: None of these are edited correctly

zee good doktah: It is making my eyes hurt just to look at them

glitchbitch: sorry grandpa but our meme war can’t be interrupted

zee good doktah: Thats what those are? Memes?

zee good doktah: They look like someone let a five year old have access to ms paint

damn schneep no need to go ham on us :you

supermarketspiderman: schneep if you think theyre so bad why dont you make one

zee good doktah: Here then

zee good doktah: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

oh shit guys i laughed :you

supermarketspiderman: yeah ok i think schneep wins

supermarketspiderman: that was a good one

zee good doktah: Why thank you

glitchbitch: no its not over til i fuckin say its over

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

glitchbitch: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

anti no youll wake up everyone else :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: too late lol

pussy talented it does card tricks: whys anti sending shitty memes to the group chat

glitchbitch: are you fucking kidding me

glitchbitch: everyone thinks the boomer has better meme taste than me

pussy talented it does card tricks: well theyre right your memes suck

pussy talented it does card tricks: and i liked schneeps meme

pussy talented it does card tricks: good job schneep

zee good doktah: :)

supermarketspiderman changed glitchbitch ’s name to my memes suck eggs

my memes suck eggs: what the fuck is your problem

supermarketspiderman: ok anti dont get all salty just because our oldest brother makes better memes than you

my memes suck eggs: im the oldest you fuckin idiot

if we’re going to get technical about age then i think jjs the oldest :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: @puppetkjdfbkgsd can you confirm

puppetkjdfbkgsd: ye

zee good doktah: JJ are you ok? Thats not usually how you type

puppetkjdfbkgsd: rob s a slep o me

puppetkjdfbkgsd: tpe w on hnd

supermarketspiderman: translation: robbie fell asleep on him and hes typing with one hand

pussy talented it does card tricks: thank you jackie for the unnecessary translation

supermarketspiderman: you never know when youll need it marv :(

supermarketspiderman: fine when you need something actually translated from drunk speak to normal texts dont come to me for help you ass

wait why is robbie asleep on jj :you

puppetkjdfbkgsd: wachin movis

supermarketspiderman: translation: they were watching some movies

supermarketspiderman: well it couldve only been one movie

puppetkjdfbkgsd: yah tngled

pussy talented it does card tricks: jackie dont you dare we all know that robbie only watches tangled

supermarketspiderman: god fine :(((((( meanie

zee good doktah: JJ why haven’t you taken Robbie back to his room

puppetkjdfbkgsd: to havyy

puppetkjdfbkgsd: nd robi s wrm

supermarketspiderman: translation: robbie is too heavy and jj is too comfortable

supermarketspiderman: jj what are you a spaghetti noodle

supermarketspiderman: ive seen you lift as much weight as i do

my memes suck eggs: which is like three pounds

oh sick buurrrnnnnn /s :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: damn anti you got him goooooood /s

my memes suck eggs: i will pull every single hair forcefully out of both of your heads

 no you wouldnt big bro you love us <3 :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: yeah anti you love us too much

pussy talented it does card tricks: and also mother would probably kill you himself

supermarketspiderman: theyre right anti what are you gonna do now

my memes suck eggs: ill still rip out their head hairs

my memes suck eggs: theyll be bald not dead

supermarketspiderman: well shit cant argue with that logic

pussy talented it does card tricks: go ahead and try to rip out my luxurious locks

pussy talented it does card tricks: i will not hesitate to steal your entire knife collection

my memes suck eggs: you wouldnt

pussy talented it does card tricks: bet pull up pussy

my memes suck eggs: you have ten seconds before i fucking teleport to you and then to a dennys parking lot

supermarketspiderman: protecting their honors via dueling i see

supermarketspiderman: marvin remember your jousting practices

marvin grab a camera and record it :you

itll get at least a million views on youtube :you

supermarketspiderman: oh my god they actually went away

supermarketspiderman: one of them is going to die

zee good doktah: Can we worry about them in the morning? I am tired

sorry grandpa :you

supermarketspiderman: sorry grandpa

7:39 am

pussy talented it does card tricks: guess who won a fight in a dennys back parking lot

supermarketspiderman: did you bring us back some food

my memes suck eggs: fucker made me pay for about ten plates of eggs

eggs :you

you went to dennys :you

and made anti bring back EGGS :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: what is wrong with you dennys eggs are delicious

supermarketspiderman: we live in the UK how do you even know what they taste like

pussy talented it does card tricks: have you forgotten that i can make portals to pretty much anywhere

 ok more important question: did you get footage of your fight :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: yeah ill send it to you in priv

sweet :you

wait youre both fine with it going up on my channel right :you

my memes suck eggs: ig

pussy talented it does card tricks: hes still salty so that means yes

pussy talented it does card tricks: and im ok with it too

my memes suck eggs: i am not salty im just upset that your so fucking powerful

pussy talented it does card tricks: i told you that you shouldn’t  have threatened my hair

oh my god this fight is amazing :you

it lasted all of three minutes :you

anti were you losing on purpose :you

my memes suck eggs: no why the fuck would i do that

supermarketspiderman: maybe because of your secret love for us all

supermarketspiderman: its ok though bro we love you back <3

pussy talented it does card tricks: wait so he purposefully lost

pussy talented it does card tricks: i want a rematch then

pussy talented it does card tricks: fight me like a real man atni

supermarketspiderman: atni

atni :you

my memes suck eggs: atni

puppetkjdfbkgsd: atni

pussy talented it does card tricks left the chat room

Chapter Text

6:34 am

i fell for a bribe uwu: um uh quick question

i fell for a bribe uwu: was father always so

i fell for a bribe uwu: y o u n g looking?

um uh quick question to parry off of your quick question :you

who the fuck is father and was he not always young looking like the rest of us :you

well except for gran :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: unus father ethan is a cranky old priest

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: and for some reason he doesnt like magic even though hes lived around it for like three years

i fell for a bribe uwu: ok father *was* cranky and old

i fell for a bribe uwu: but now he looks like hes 18 and alive

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: kdgjhkhfdgd ALIVE

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: post where are you i would like to meet this new and improved father ethan

i fell for a bribe uwu: we’re outside where new egos usually appear

i fell for a bribe uwu: holy fucking shit fuck god damn holy shit

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: well spit it out post you cant keep typing curse words forever

i fell for a bribe uwu: you will neevr fucking believe what this kid just did

oh my god just say it :you

i fell for a bribe uwu: he fucking g l o w e d

i fell for a bribe uwu: hes still glowing like yellow what the fuck

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: i can confirm that the new kid is glowing

if we snap him in half will he glow even more??? :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: good question lets find out

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: no no no dont do that god

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: am i going to have to save father ethan from you three

i fell for a bribe uwu: i feel very uncomfortable calling him father ethan now

i fell for a bribe uwu: because i look like i should be his father and not the other way around

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: kjghfdkhf should i greet him as brother ethan

i fell for a bribe uwu: BROTHER ETHAN SAJDHKSFLDJK

wait if you guys are saying that this ego was completely redesigned :you

does that mean he wont remember anything??? :you

or will he remember some things but not others? :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: someone ask him about the time that marvin did that magic trick

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: on it

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: he said he doesnt remember that or freaking out about it

i fell for a bribe uwu: holy shit he said he doesn’t care if we do magic or not

i fell for a bribe uwu: what the fuck how is this guy father ethan

test him further by doing some magic mike :you

i fell for a bribe uwu: mike teleported away and the only thing that father said was

i fell for a bribe uwu: “he smells nice. like cotton candy”

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: seriously??? 

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: wow you should ask him if he’s actually ok with magic

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: because this seems too good to be true

i fell for a bribe uwu: he told me that as long as we’re not sinning it’s whatever

i fell for a bribe uwu: i could get used to him guys

he seems like a nice guy :you

im coming over to say hello :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: do we know what actual magic father can do now besides glow like in the one meme

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: i went back and asked him and he said he can “invoke the lord”

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: whatever the fuck that means

i fell for a bribe uwu: i thought nestor was an atheist why did he make a christian ego again??

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: he told me that he thought the priest hat was neat

ok so this guy is cool :you

he’s pretty rad :you

poggers, even :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: post i totally forgot to ask you but why havent you changed your username back

i fell for a bribe uwu: you cant change it yourself for some reason :/

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: oop here then

your freestyle dance teacher *dances* changed i fell for a bribe uwu ’s name to mr. postman (yeah eah eah~)

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): well its better than what it was ig

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): thanks ber

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: np

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: um uh father seems emotionally attached to me all of a sudden what do i do

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: i feel like hes staring into my soul and i dont like it

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): homoerotic tension: activiated

i am very uncomfortable with the energy that we have created in this backyard today :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: oh for fucks sake he can probably mindread just let him at it

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: think of the least offensive but not boomerish meme that you can mike

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: well he laughed so

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: ah fuck he’s questioning what im doing

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: ...i freaked out and said porn

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): MIKE

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): i think you just ruined any chances we had with him

like romantically or :you

because if so i might have to move back to the ipliers :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: oh shit he said he knew it wasnt porn

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: thank god

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: he wants to be added to the group chat

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: i dont have a problem with it but im surprised he even has a phone

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: ok priest incoming everyone act natural

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi added your lord and saver

your lord and saver: Hello :D

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: hi father ethan!!

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): hello father!

i drink pee :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: unus are you serious

i panicked ok??? :you

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): all you had to do was type hi its not that hard

your lord and saver: It’s ok, it happens to the best of us :)

your lord and saver: Moving along from that strange but not sinful confession, why are we not talking in person?

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): bernice care to explain

yeah bernice why arent you outside yet :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: im eating breakfast and making gooz something to eat too

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: id say thats valid

your lord and saver: Who is “gooz”?

their full name is the gongoozler, theyre a sort of mermaid ig :you

they dont have any like fish to eat in their pond so we give them human food :you

your lord and saver: That’s so cool! I’d love to meet them :D

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: oh my gosh how is he more precious than all of the beans combined

Chapter Text

12:07 pm

priv chat with theonewiththemic

😱😤😭🤦🐿 :you

theonewiththemic: 🐿⁉️

🐿🏃🦁 :you

theonewiththemic: 😱😤

theonewiththemic: 😡🤬😖😫

✋🦁👍 :you

theonewiththemic: 👍🦁👎🐿

👍 :you

😈🐿💀😡😤 :you

theonewiththemic: 💥🔥❓🧊💦💨❓

🧊 :you

theonewiththemic: 👍👇🔟

👍 :you

👁👄👁🧠🥄 :you

theonewiththemic: 👍

read 12:11 pm

Chapter Text

12:39 pm

king is dead crab rave :you

sk8tr bruh: ok yan what the **** are you talking about

king looks like he froze to death from a bucket of ice water :you

i found him in his bathroom tied to a chair with a fan blowing on him :you

and his skin is blue so :you

knockoffzuko: yan that aint a situation to be crab ravin in

knockoffzuko: did you get doc

oops :you

insert whip crack: oh my god @shut up NURSE someone died again

shut up NURSE: If its Bim Im not helping

spectacularshowhost: hey

no someone froze king to death :you

wait hes breathing but only just :you

king is alive(?) crab rave :you

i piled some blankets on him i hope that helps :you

insert whip crack: did you remove him from the chair first??

oh yeah i probably should have done that :you

knockoffzuko: jesus yan is there any evidence sayin who did it

no :you

docs here now so im going rogue to try and help :you

sk8tr bruh: god poor king

sk8tr bruh: what did he do to deserve that

insert whip crack: he accidentally pushed eric earlier

insert whip crack: he apologized though and eric forgave him

insert whip crack: eric wasnt hurt or anything either so

knockoffzuko: that was only like an hour ago!

sk8tr bruh: whoever did it must be really protective of eric

insert whip crack: i cant think of anyone besides dark

insert whip crack: but he wouldnt do that

insert whip crack: i think

sk8tr bruh: if docll let me i can scan for fingerprints in kings bathroom

knockoffzuko: good idea bing

sk8tr bruh: :)

spectacularshowhost: did yan ever mention why she was in there to begin with

insert whip crack: you know what i dont think they did

knockoffzuko: are you sayin that she did it

spectacularshowhost: its always a possibility

darkiplier: It appears that King has been injured. Who is responsible for this?

knockoffzuko: thats what were tryin to figure out now boss

insert whip crack: our current list of suspects include you and yan

darkiplier: Me? Why would I ever want to purposefully hurt one of you? Except, perhaps, Wilford or either of the Jims

spectacularshowhost: it was just a guess dark

spectacularshowhost: and besides i dont really think you couldve done it

ok doc forced me to leave what did i miss :you

insert whip crack: we think you were the one to to that to king

whoa whoa whoa why :you

sk8tr bruh: you didnt specify why you were in kings bathroom to begin with

i was looking for him after i heard about the accident with eric :you

i wanted to make sure he wasnt beating himself into a pulp out of guilt :you

knockoffzuko: i guess that makes sense

insert whip crack: so yan is cleared because they have a valid excuse

insert whip crack: and dark is cleared because i dont want to be murdered

darkiplier: What in the world are you going on about?

insert whip crack: i can hear your aura ringing from across the house

darkiplier: Fair enough, I suppose.

darkiplier: Perhaps I could contact Anti and have him skip through everyone’s messages

bet i want to see his reaction to reading all of mine :you

darkiplier: He said he will do it. He is asking me who to start with.

sk8tr bruh: aw man now i cant do my detective scanny thing :((((

HOST: The host suggests antisepticeye start with the Jim twins

sk8tr bruh: oh yeah we couldve just asked host who did it lol

HOST: The host would like to remind bingiplier that his sight does not work that way

HOST: The host only suggested the twins because they seem like the type to overdo a prank

knockoffzuko: a p

knockoffzuko: a prank??

knockoffzuko: they was pranking him????

is this a valid excuse for me to finally murder the two of them :you

darkiplier: You will not be murdering the twins, Yan. Anti found that they were behind this and I will be immediately having a talk with them.

darkiplier: And it was not merely a prank. They were attempting to enact revenge for Eric, and they must not have heard King apologize after the fact

insert whip crack: @sun boi hey uh did you know about this

hes not gonna answer cuz he ran in to the clinic after doc shoved me out :you

hes probably freaking out and i wouldnt blame him :you

insert whip crack: jeez i didnt know the jims had a sadistic side

sk8tr bruh: me neither

sk8tr bruh: they seemed goofy but god they just almost killed king

sk8tr bruh: wait a second would he have even died

bing what :you

sk8tr bruh: we only really die if the fanbase forgets about us

sk8tr bruh: so king wouldnt be dead even if he looked like it

knockoffzuko: so your sayin were immortal

sk8tr bruh: well yes, but actually no

were all immortal??? sweet :you

insert whip crack: damn we’re all gods

insert whip crack: i knew it

sk8tr bruh: no guys thats not where i was going with that

sk8tr bruh: ok whatever nevermind

shut up NURSE: Good news, King is alive

insert whip crack: 🎉

knockoffzuko: yeah whoop whoop

shut up NURSE: He had major hypothermia and a spoon shoved up his

shut up NURSE: You know what patient confidentiality matters

shut up NURSE: So Im legally not allowed to tell you that

sk8tr bruh: too late doc we can piece it together

insert whip crack: wow not only are the jims sadistic but theyre sadists too

hey king! i did not need to read that today! :you

knockoffzuko: “objects that i have shoved up my arse: small metal spoon”

h e y  k i n g !  i  d i d  n o t  n e e d  t o  r e a d  t h a t  t o d a y ! :you

sk8tr bruh: wow who knew yancy was up to date in pop culture

knockoffzuko: just because i was in prison dont mean i didnt keep up wit the times

knockoffzuko: mr 2000s talk

sk8tr bruh: ouch /gen

insert whip crack: does anyone else here two screams in the distance

i hope thats the jims and not someone else getting frozen :you

knockoffzuko: i hope they get a metal spoon shoved up their asses

knockoffzuko: but with their heads already there itd be a tight fit

sk8tr bruh: holy **** you ******* killed them dude

pop OFF yancy :you

insert whip crack: yancy dont say that they might be into it

darkiplier: They aren’t.

darkiplier left the chat room

... :you

the jims are getting tortured crab rave :you

Chapter Text

9:48 am

priv chat with your freestyle dance teacher *dances*

ber i finished that makeup look are you proud of me :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: i cant talk right now im doin hot girl shit

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: (▶︎ VIEW VIDEO)

djhfkdfsa is that who i think it is :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: marvin he literally asked for it

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: who am i to deny someone my amazing skills

blank looks kind of hot with winged eyeliner :you

id hit that :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: MARVIN

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: you cant just say that about one of the beans! :((((

im not lying though he looks smoking :you

sizzling, even :you

maybe even burning :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: seriously though he really is

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: i think i might have to teach him how to do it himself

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: i dont know whos hes trying to impress though since he barely comes out of his room :/

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: is he secretly seeing one of your brothers or something

pffffffff says you :you

and i doubt it :you

if he was we would have heard something by now :you

or anti would have killed whoever it was kgfjhhsf :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: hmmmm do you think i should ask him

absolutely not sis :you

he might shut down :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: youre right

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: i just told him that you think he looked hot and i think i broke him

good the boy needs to know hes loved 😌 :you

just make sure to tell him that i dont actually want to bang him kjhkshglj :you

i wouldnt bang any of the beans actually theyre too precious :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: yeah im pretty sure he knows kjghjs

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: i dont think hes ever been complimented

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: god im a shit sibling arent it

 no youre not stop that :you

 you do what you can ber :you

 it just so happens that he didnt need compliments until now :you

 so youre doing good sis keep up the good work :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: oh stop im gonna cry

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: also since im done with blank now

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: marv you look STUNNING sis

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: drop dead GORGEOUS

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: are you going somewhere or?

yeah actually im taking a trip to the store :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: the sto

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: you know what i cant say anything because im the same way kjhdfkjsf

yeah kjghfka :you

do you guys need anything :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: um actually yeah i’ve got a whole list if you want to go together

of course kgjhfljsd :you

how long do i have to wait? an hour? maybe two? :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: oh shut up im still in my pjs

so three hours :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

pffff you could have just typed ‘fuck off’ :you

also how the h e l l do you have that many pairs of shoes :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: marvin do you analyze photos for fun because i purposefully stood where you couldnt see them

i saw one heel from behind you and it looked new :you

but wow i did not expect my guess to be correct :you

ber you dont need five pairs of blue heels you get that right :you

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: theyre not all blue you idiot

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: there teal, turquoise, sky, and the other two i forgot the names of but its not just BLUE

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: men are colorblind honestly

wow ok rude /hj :you

and im not colorblind ber they just looked the same in the lighting :you

now stop texting and dressing smh youll take even longer :you

read 9:54 am

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

6:30 am

this is bernice with your daily not dead announcement! type in chat if youre not dead today :you

postman (yeah eah eah~): im alive and so is gran

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: im up, and i think blanks good

literal piss baby: me and gooz are alive and worried about yahoo

literal piss baby: hes always the first one to answer

literal piss baby: and i havent seen him for a week

oof he usually comes back after a day or two :you

everyone keep an eye out i guess :you

your lord and saver: I’m sorry, what is this about?

postman (yeah eah eah~): oooh yikes yeah youre new so ill explain

postman (yeah eah eah~): us cranks have a habit of dying off frequently

postman (yeah eah eah~): we call it fading because we fade from our fans memories

postman (yeah eah eah~): so ber set up this daily check in thing to see whos been gone for a while

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: yup and this week its yahoos turn to worry us

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: if i listen really carefully i can still hear him telling me the correct way to make ice cream

mike stop youre going to scare father :you

your lord and saver: I understand, I think. And I’m not scared of fading, I’m a big boy! >:D

postman (yeah eah eah~) changed the chat room name from cranky peeps to father ethan protection squad

postman (yeah eah eah~) changed your lord and saver ’s name to honorary BeanTM

honorary BeanTM: Oh stop! You’re making me blush!

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: mr. father sir if you dont stop being adorable im going to explode

honorary BeanTM: Please don’t explode Mike! D:

honorary BeanTM: Also, why am I an honorary bean?

oh no dude youre 100% a bean :you

but theres a group of BeansTM between all three groups of egos :you

i mean i guess you could be a BeanTM if you want :you

postman (yeah eah eah~): ber has father even met the other egos yet

literal piss baby: i could take him around if he wants

literal piss baby: ive got nothing else to do today

make sure he meets the BeansTM :you

well the rest of the BeansTM ig :you

you already met blank right father :you

honorary BeanTM: Yes! Blank is a very nice boy. :D

literal piss baby: yeah hes a BeanTM now whether eric wants it or not

literal piss baby: here father go out to the backyard

literal piss baby: ill take you over to the ipliers first

honorary BeanTM: OK! :DDD

6:34 am

postman (yeah eah eah~) created a group chat

postman (yeah eah eah~) named the chat room bean is gone time for chaos

postman (yeah eah eah~) added wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi

postman (yeah eah eah~) added your freestyle dance teacher *dances*

postman (yeah eah eah~) added blanketboy

postman (yeah eah eah~): cuss time cuss time cuss time

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: fuck shit piss god damn fuck

mike and post seriously :you

its not that hard to not cuss :you

blanketboy: yeah gus

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: ah shit another bean

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: now i have to unsend my chat

postman (yeah eah eah~): blank i didnt know you were awake

blanketboy: i ws akin eric a questn

um at 6 in the morning?? :you

isnt eric one of the ipliers that sleep in late :you

blanketboy: is saturdy

blanketboy: eri hlps king w hs squirls n the mornng on sturdays

postman (yeah eah eah~): hmmmm sounds sus blank

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: blank what were you really doing

blanketboy: askng erc a questn!!! manies :((( fne hol on i hve screnshts

blanketboy: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

blanketboy: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

awww you were asking him if he liked your makeup :you

blank thats so sweet :you

postman (yeah eah eah~): blank he calls you blankie???

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: ill say it again

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: im about to explode from how much cuteness youre radiating

blanketboy: yeh post how did yu thin i got my usrnam

postman (yeah eah eah~): thats like the most adorable thing ever

blanketboy: im nt adrble >:((( im suposd to be scry

no youre not blank the fans know you dont want to be scary :you

blanketboy: yea ok 😔

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: bernice when did you teach him how to do that

i didnt kjdgkljs :you

i taught blank how to do the eyeliner and the most basic eyeshadow a few days ago :you

but those fucking amazing fantabulous and beautiful butterflies are self taught and very very poggers :you

blanketboy: youtbe can be coool someimes :)

postman (yeah eah eah~): blank if you like eric you can tell us

postman (yeah eah eah~): we wont tease you or anything

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: speak for yourself lol

blanketboy: whas wrng w jus me askn him for n opinon?? 

blanketboy: whas bettr thn tha? guys bing ddes

blank. sweetie. its not guys being dudes when he compliments you on your makeup 50 times over and throws in 3 affectionate nicknames :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: yeah you stupid oblivious twink you like him

postman (yeah eah eah~): was the twink comment really necessary

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: absolutely

blanketboy: eric s jst a good frind stp tesing me >:(

postman (yeah eah eah~): sorry blankie

blanketboy: only eric cn cll me that

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: what the FUCK did i just tell you all

for gods sake just leave blank alone now :you

blanketboy: tanks ber

6:42 am

postman (yeah eah eah~) created a group chat

postman (yeah eah eah~) named the chat room bean is gay time for chaos

postman (yeah eah eah~) added wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi

postman (yeah eah eah~) added your freestyle dance teacher *dances*

postman (yeah eah eah~): wingman time wingman time wingman time

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: and wingwoman you dope

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: stop being sexist

have either of you ever had a single rational thought in your life??? :you

postman (yeah eah eah~): no

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: no

god guys blank said theyre just friends :you

not every single one of us is gay for another ego ok :you

postman (yeah eah eah~): but but but

postman (yeah eah eah~): baby beans!!

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: how would that work actually

we dont need to know because its NOT HAPPENING :you

blank and eric are only friends. end of discussion :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: bernice i swear to god youre supposed to be an expert in this stuff

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: you must be blind if you didnt see the look in that boys eyes in that picture

postman (yeah eah eah~): yeah bernice are trying to like save blank from corruption or something??

postman (yeah eah eah~): if so i think eric is the least corrupt iplier

postman (yeah eah eah~): blankll be safe i swear

for fucks sake just drop it and let blank live his life :((((((( :you

you two are worse than unus i swear :you

and even if he did like eric you wouldnt need to help him :you

you guys keep forgetting that blank isnt actually a child :you

youve teased him so much about looking the youngest that youve started to believe it :you

postman (yeah eah eah~): ok now that you say that we might have overdone it

postman (yeah eah eah~): sorry mom 😔

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: maybe youre right ber

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: sowwy ú,w,ù

please dont ever type that again :you

and its whatever just stop teasing him about it :you

i dont think you guys can tell because youre both braindead but that makes him upset :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: im not that far gone to tell when to stop ber

postman (yeah eah eah~): operation abandon group chat is a go

postman (yeah eah eah~) left the chat room

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi left the chat room

your freestyle dance teacher *dances* left the chat room

Chapter Text

10:54 am

priv chat with chase daniels

chase daniels: hey bud

chase daniels: im just checking up on you :)

chase daniels: and wondering if you still want me and rob to come over tomorrow

yeah i’m doing good :you

and of course i want you guys over dad :you

chase daniels: aw eric

read 10:54 am

11:27 am

priv chat with chase daniels

chase daniels: eric?

chase daniels: bud are you ok?

chase daniels: eric i dont mind you calling me dad

i’m sorry it just slipped out and i didn’t even ask you if i could :you

chase daniels: hey woah bud its all good

chase daniels: would you rather talk over the phone about it?

sun boi started a video call at 11:28 am

video call ended at 12:02 pm

chase daniels: eric to reiterate: i am fine with you calling me that

chase daniels: you didnt need to ask bub :)

i was nervous because i haven’t said that in so long :you

so you’re sure? :you

chase daniels: yeah bud

you’re sure you’re sure? :you

chase daniels: eric

ok ok i was just joking dad :you

see you and robbie tomorrow :D :you

chase daniels: see you bud :)))

read 12:04 am

11:27 pm

priv chat with chase daniels

sun boi changed  chase daniels' s name to  dad <3

Chapter Text

4:13 pm

help robbie wants a pet :you

supermarketspiderman: pfffff who is that

supermarketspiderman: wait no nevermind its obviously chase

no im not changing it back so shut up :you

and help because robbie wants a pet :you

supermarketspiderman: @pussy talented it does card tricks

pussy talented it does card tricks: no

supermarketspiderman: what do you mean no

supermarketspiderman: robbie gets away with all sorts of shit

supermarketspiderman: why wont you let him have a hamster or something

pussy talented it does card tricks: because all pets require constant attention and robbie cant supply that

oh come on marv pets arent hard to handle :you

you remember when diva came over that first time :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: yeah he fell asleep

pussy talented it does card tricks: he wasnt watching them because he was asleep

uh ok sourpuss :you

what about my kids first pet :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: grayson and cara killed rainbow by flushing her down a toilet

supermarketspiderman: god marv its not like hes solely responsible for the pet

supermarketspiderman: and dont bring up rainbow again im still upset :(((

yeah marvin we can help him take care of whatever pet he wants :you

and the others that dont have jobs :you

including you wink wonk :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: ugh fine lets compromise

pussy talented it does card tricks: ill pretend to be a random street cat for a whole day and well see how he handles it

supermarketspiderman: that sounds like a good plan

 you know what yeah that sounds good :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: but im only poofing in a pet for robbie if he doesnt treat me like trash

supermarketspiderman: noted

2:17 pm

supermarketspiderman: that went surprisingly well

so marvin what species have you chosen :you

zee good doktah: Marvin cant answer right now, he is still sobbing over the picture Robert drew of them

supermarketspiderman: awwww thats cute

so were getting a cat then :you

puppetkjdfbkgsd: Idea: Marvin makes it look like BB!

supermarketspiderman: i like what youre thinking jj

my memes suck eggs: oh my god sheep can you pull marvin away from that drawing now

my memes suck eggs: i want my cat

supermarketspiderman: anti its robbies cat

supermarketspiderman: and i thought you hated cats

my memes suck eggs: not all cats i just hate marvin

pussy talented it does card tricks: thats not going to earn you a pet sooner

marvin robbie is majorly upset as to where his “alley cat” went :you

you might want to poof that cat in now before he goes ballistic :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: alright alright give me five minutes

pussy talented it does card tricks: the last time i tried this the cat was purple and had no immune system

supermarketspiderman: i t  w h a t

please dont give robbie a cat with no immune system :you

my memes suck eggs: please do give robbie a cat with no immune system

my memes suck eggs: that would be hilarious actually

pussy talented it does card tricks: ok i have the cat now

pussy talented it does card tricks: which one of you is delivering the offbrand bb

me :you

supermarketspiderman: me

puppetkjdfbkgsd: Me!

pussy talented it does card tricks: fine ill do it myself

look at him ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

marvin thanks :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: anything for robbie ig

pussy talented it does card tricks: just remind him that he has to take care of it or its going away

pussy talented it does card tricks: ill give it to the cranks or something

zee good doktah: Marvin that is a horrible idea

zee good doktah: Do you remember when they had Goldie??

pussy talented it does card tricks: oop now i do kjfghfjld

pussy talented it does card tricks: ill give it to eric then

pussy talented it does card tricks: i trust him and only him to take care of an animal

supermarketspiderman: hmmm i dont know i think id trust king or yancy

yeah id trust them and google :you

hes got enough knowledge to at least provide it the bare essentials :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: ok ok yeah id give it to one of them

he said he knows :you

marvin i think hes really going to take care of dd :you

supermarketspiderman: is that what he named it

supermarketspiderman: thats adorable actually

he wanted to name it pp but obviously that was not gonna fly :you

my memes suck eggs: too late thats what im calling the cat now

my memes suck eggs: pspspspsps here pp

my memes suck eggs: WAIT

my memes suck eggs: pisspisspisspisspiss here pp

pussy talented it does card tricks: ill fight you at dennys again if you make that cat respond only to pp

Chapter Text

7:43 am

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): why is there a

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): why is there a mai

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): you know what just look

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

pfffff i dont see anything wrong :you

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): ber stfu youre probably behind this

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: ber why did you go around and put maid outfits in everyones closets

fun fact: i didnt :you

but i might know why theyre in there :you

literal piss baby: yes please do enlighten us as to how this happened

literal piss baby: its actually kind of comfy guys

literal piss baby: but i still want to know where it came from

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): you put it on???

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: whats wrong post

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: you got a fragile masculinity

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): no!! >:((((

ok ok everybody shut up stop typing :you

do you guys remember that time that i saw that one fanart of me in a suit :you

well actually only post and mike would remember but you get the point :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: yeah

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: it showed up in your closet and you looked smoking

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): oh no please dont tell me we were drawn in maid outfits

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): bernice

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): bernice please respond

 sorry i was busy laughing at you :you

 but yeah thats what happened :you

 probably :you

 i havent actually seen any of you in the dress but ive seen nestor in it :you

 and he wore it on a stream last night soooooo :you

honorary BeanTM: I, for one, do not mind this new wardrobe!

honorary BeanTM: Although it is a bit… revealing.

literal piss baby: yeah theres a nice breeze :)

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: i do not like that ominous smile at the end of that

literal piss baby: :)

Yahoo!: I think I’m beginning to regret choosing this moment to reappear

yahoo oh thank god :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: yahoo!!

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): yahoo save us the fans are forcing us to be sexy

literal piss baby: whats wrong with being sexy post?

Yahoo!: Why is there a maid dress laying across my charging station

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): scroll up man

honorary BeanTM: Is this the Yahoo you were all telling me about?

yeah father :you

honorary BeanTM: Hello Yahoo! I’m Father Ethan, it’s nice to meet you! :D

Yahoo!: Uh hi I guess

Yahoo!: Are you guys wearing your maid dresses right now because I actually kind of like it

blanketboy: uh gys ar we suposd to like the drss

blanketboy: bcaus i really relly lik it

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): no

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: yes

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: blank dont listen to post hes a straight white male

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): ok well you didnt have to do me like that

blank if you like the dress and want to wear more i have some extras collecting dust in my closet :you

7:46 am

priv chat with blanketboy

blanketboy: ber yud realy do that fo me??

yeah bub :))) :you

blanketboy: .

blanketboy: thank yo

blanketboy: nd no one evr told me hw comfy thse are

yeah :you

hey did you send a picture to eric ;) :you

blanketboy: bernceeeeeeee

 ok ok ill stop :you

7:46 am

Yahoo!: So is anyone going to help me out or?

with what lol :you

Yahoo!: I want to meet Father

postman (yeah eah eah~): I can take you over as soon as i get this thing off

postman (yeah eah eah~): oh no

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: aaaaaaand this is the moment when he found out the dresses are two sizes too small

postman (yeah eah eah~): shut the h*ll your mouth mike

literal piss baby: post you really do have a masculinity problem dont you

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): no i dont be quiet

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: there is a trick to getting it off 

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: but im not telling you because you need to go on a journey of self discovery~

literal piss baby: unless you want us to help you rip it off ;))

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): there is a  p r i e s t  in the chat guys

honor ary BeanTM: The priest in the chat declares incest as a sin >:(

yeah both of you knock it off :you

release your sexual frustration onto one of the ipliers or something :you

literal piss baby: woah now im not going over there

literal piss baby: bim and illinois are horndogs

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: yeah for once i agree with unus

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: those two could sniff out a desperate person from three miles away

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: no way im getting near them after making a sex joke

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): guys can someone else take yahoo to father

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): im feeling very uncomfortable rn

post if youre actually seriously not ok with the maid outfit i can come help you :you

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): oh thank god please do

literal piss baby: *sighs* i guess ill do it then

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: didnt bernice just tell you to stop with the sex references

literal piss baby: after i introduce father to yahoo i will turn your bones into pixie dust

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: help guys hes telling me in priv that hes gonna persuade gran to use the dust in her baked goods

cant help you im too busy literally cutting this dress off of post :you

for fucks sake i cant believe the fans gave him a childs small :you

and i cant believe that he managed to fit into it in the first place :you

ah i just asked him why he did it and he said “for the meme obviously” :you

literal piss baby: i dont believe that for a second but whatever he wants to tell himself ig

Chapter Text

11:21 am

its valentines day :) :you

you know what that means :) :you

darkiplier: Yan, no.

:) :you

darkiplier: Yan. No.

:) :you

darkiplier: Yandereplier.

: )  :you

knockoffzuko: why are you yellin at yan boss??

darkiplier: Yan likes to hold certain... traditions on Valentine’s Day.

hes just mad cause those traditions include glitter :you

knockoffzuko: eh i dont blame him then

knockoffzuko: glitter sucks

insert whip crack: yancy you might want to watch your back now

knockoffzuko: what why

insert whip crack: oh no reason i guess

:) :you

knockoffzuko: if anyone needs me ill be holed up in my room ig

: )  :you

sun boi: did anyone make valentines

sun boi: because i did and i want to hand them out soon :D

goin nutty: i didnt make any but ill make one for you eric!!!

HOST: The host made Eric derekson a card

HOST: He hopes he picked up the right colored markers

spectacularshowhost: so thats why you needed my help

spectacularshowhost: and yeah eric i made some

sk8tr bruh: bim theyre all coated in glitter

sk8tr bruh: god its gonna be stuck in my system for weeks

spectacularshowhost: youre welcome

i made everyone valentines and gifts :) :you

sk8tr bruh: yan whats in the gifts

goin nutty: if its anything like last years then im not opening the box

sun boi: it wasn’t that bad stop being meanies! D:<

spectacularshowhost: eric were not being meanies were just saying

spectacularshowhost: yans gifts are a little extreme sometimes

HOST: The host agrees and adds that if yandereplier got him another live service animal he will send it back

but it was cute!!! :you

sk8tr bruh: i dont think we can fit another horse in the house yan

goin nutty: yeah i will not be responsible for taking care of another large animal

fine dont open your presents then >:( :you

see if i care >:((( :you

darkiplier: Yan. My office. Now.

darkiplier: I can’t even begin to describe how frustrated, confused, and enraged I am by this.

spectacularshowhost: what happened dark

HOST: The host can elaborate. 

HOST: …

HOST: It seems that yandereplier has given darkiplier a companion for his aura

insert whip crack: oh my god another giant ass dog

goin nutty: host what does it look like

HOST: The retriever’s fur is pure black save for the large white patch on their chest. They are wearing a blue collar with the name damien etched onto it

sk8tr bruh: i have several questions

sk8tr bruh: starting with how the **** did yan sneak that into the house

spectacularshowhost: im more interested in how she got it to fit into that box lol

HOST: The host thinks everyone already knows the answer

HOST: But just in case he will state aloud that Wilford warfstache was the cause of this

12:35 pm

priv chat with darkiplier

dark? :you

darkiplier: Eric I already know what you want to ask me.

darkiplier: The answer is no.

sir i really really don’t want to push it but i would like to keep the new dog please :you

darkiplier: You are not pushing it and I understand why you wish to keep them.

darkiplier: However I do not believe that we can house another enormous animal.

darkiplier: Diva is already testing my patience, but there’s only so much I can do for that.

alright dark i understand :you

i do have another question though :you

do you know why yan picked out that name for the dog? :you

darkiplier: …

you don’t have to answer me sir i was just curious and all! :you

darkiplier: Derekson you are an extremely fast typer. I assure you that I will answer you.

darkiplier: I have my suspicions as to why Yan chose that name.

darkiplier: I once… knew a man by the name of Damien. We used to be friends. Siblings, even, we were that close. 

darkiplier: But that was long ago, and how Yan earned that knowledge I have yet to find out.

host said something about wilford being behind damien’s appearance :you

maybe he picked out the name, actually! :you

darkiplier: ...Really now? That does not surprise me. He will also be responsible for… Damien’s disappearance. 

darkiplier: Can you do me a favor and ask him to come to my office?

yes sir! :you

darkiplier: ...And before you log off, thank you for the valentine.

you’re welcome dark :D :you

read 12:42 am

Chapter Text

8:00 am

guys :you

guys guess what :you

guess what day it is guys :you

literal piss baby: ber what day is it

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: its valentines day!!!!!!

correct :you

literal piss baby: what is so special about today

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: what do you mean unus? we celebrate love today~

correct again :you

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): unus you havent really had a chance to experience valentines day have you

literal piss baby: yeah not really

literal piss baby: last year i heard about what the ipliers did but i didnt participate

well then youll just have to do that today huh :you

look unus i made you a valentine :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

literal piss baby: dear god why is everything outside of my room p i n k

literal piss baby: i feel like im seeing shrimp colors right now

honorary BeanTM: The Lord says that today is Valentine’s Day!! :D

Yahoo!: Guys we may have gone overboard this year

yahoo we go overboard every year chill out :you

Yahoo!: No I mean we really may have gone overboard

Yahoo!: I think we sent Gran into a spasm

literal piss baby: seriously?? gran im coming hold on

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): ok who decided that red strobe lights were a good idea

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: oops?

MIKE :you

honorary BeanTM: Micheal D:<

honorary BeanTM: What do you have to say for yourself?

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: sorry gran :(

literal piss baby: i think shes fine just a little dazed

literal piss baby: and now i hate valentines day even more

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): unus stop being such a grouch smh

mr. postman (yeah eah eah~): youre acting like she could have actually died

yeah unus let me show you how cool valentines day can be :you

literal piss baby: uh ok i guess

literal piss baby: wait is that a

literal piss baby: is that a full on cupid cosplay bernice??

literal piss baby: are you  z i p l i n i n g  down the hallway rn????

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: she hasnt worn that in years!! dont go anywhere unus i want some blackmail pics!

12:47 pm

priv chat with sun boi

hy eric thanks for the vlentine :)))) :you

sun boi: you’re welcome blankie!!

sun boi: thank you for giving me one, i didn’t know you could draw so good!

oh its nt tha good :you

sun boi: blank are you kidding me? this drawing is so good i can’t even begin to describe how much i like it

sun boi: you’re talented blankie!

 wel thnk you eric :D :you

re you gys keepng damen :you

sun boi: no 😔 dark said that one oversized dog is enough

thas ok i gues :you

i wold ask if we cld tak them but my fmily rely doent do good wth pets :you

sun boi: i already asked dark about that and he agreed with you kjdhkljghlf

sun boi: are you guys doing anything today? i want you to come over but if you’re doing something you don’t have to

i want to cme over eric :D :you

bernic usaly plans smthin but its lmost alwys too much for me t handl :you

sun boi: ok! can you be ready in ten minutes?

honsly im redy now lol :you

sun boi: see you in a minute or two then!! :D <3

see yo soon eric :you

...<3 :you

Chapter Text

10:32 am

eye cream created a group chat

eye cream named the chat room i found a fucking c a t

eye cream added your freestyle dance teacher *dances*

eye cream added honorary BeanTM

eye cream added dad <3

eye cream added my memes suck eggs

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

whos cat is this :you

my memes suck eggs: pp!!! thats where she fuckin went

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: you na

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: you named your cat PP???

dad <3: no we didnt 

dad <3: her name is dd anti stop calling her that

my memes suck eggs: her name is pp because robbie wanted her name to be pp

honorary BeanTM: PP is adorable, Mr. Chase and Mr. Anti! 

dad <3: noooooooooo

my memes suck eggs: i am victorious

can you guys just come pick up dd or pp or whatever :you

the jims are very set about having grilled cat meat for dinner :you

they keep saying something about a new recipe they found :you

my memes suck eggs: they better fuckin not im comin over there right now yan

my memes suck eggs: pp i will save you if its the last thing i do

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: go anti go save pp!!!

the jims are getting tortured again crab rave :you

honorary BeanTM: Mr. Anti please be nice! D: Maybe it was a misunderstanding.

my memes suck eggs: with all due respect father 

my memes suck eggs: i think its a little fuckin late to be saying its a misunderstandin

anti i didn’t expect you to do that kgjhklfhg :you

i was just joking oh my god :you

dad <3: anti can you please stop beating up the jims and bring dd back home

my memes suck eggs: *pp

your freestyle dance teacher *dances*: *pp

honorary BeanTM: I think her name is PP, Mr. Chase! :D

dad <3 left the chat room

Chapter Text

11:43 pm

darkiplier added bdsm&ms

darkiplier: I apologize, Annus, I was not aware that you were never added to this group chat. I will be calling Fischbach immediately for forgetting about one of his own egos.

bdsm&ms: dark its fine honestly

bdsm&ms: but could someone explain why the chat room name is “literally the stupidest fucking thing ever”???

eye cream: because it is lol

eye cream: we only ever use this to call someone out or to send memes back and forth

bdsm&ms: u m  w h o  a r e  y o u

eye cream: oh yeah lkfghdlkdgsjhl i forgot about that

eye cream: @insert whip crack change my fucking name back

insert whip crack changed eye cream ’s name to im into swordplay

im into swordplay: illinois smith

yandereplier :you

im into swordplay: illinois i will steal every single piece of clothing you own

bold of you to assume i wouldnt enjoy walking around the manor nude :you

bdsm&ms: illinois remind me why were not closer friends if were thinking the same thoughts

you drink piss :you

bdsm&ms: understandable have a good day

im into swordplay: illinois im five feet from your door come out here now

no ❤️ :you

im into swordplay: illinois

n o ❤️ :you

im into swordplay: illinois i am begging you to change my username

then beg :you

bdsm&ms: thats pretty kinky

sk8tr bruh changed im into swordplay ’s name to leash child

leash child: bingiplier

sk8tr bruh: yandereplier

leash child: please can someone give me a name that actually represents me

spectacularshowhost: yan i dont see a problem here

spectacularshowhost: i think that new name suits you

sk8tr bruh: its better than eye cream anyway you should be thankful

leash child: well im not thankful because this is worse than eye cream

leash child: at least eye cream was funny and not degrading

how is that degrading thats the perfect description of you :you

leash child: i am still outside your door

 oh boohoo im so scared whats she gonna do :you

 they cant even get inside because her leash is too short :you

bdsm&ms changed leash child ’s name to angry leash child with a katana

bdsm&ms: illinois yan just passed by me and came back with a katana you might want to run

angry leash child with a katana: ten second headstart bitch boy 

angry leash child with a katana: start running

angry leash child with a katana: or is the adventurer too afraid

angry leash child with a katana: oh boohoo hes so scared what is he gonna do

angry leash child with a katana: i can get inside now, mommy dropped my leash handle

sk8tr bruh: i feel very threatened and i am quaking in my crocs

sk8tr bruh: and im not even on that side of the house

spectacularshowhost: in any other situation i would be laughing at what yan typed but right now im concerned for my safety

going dark :you

shut up NURSE: ...I hear screaming but I am not helping whoever is being stabbed

shut up NURSE: They probably deserve it

Chapter Text

8:56 am

your freestyle dance teacher *dances* changed mr. postman (yeah eah eah~) ’s name to bbq sauce on my tiddies

bbq sauce on my tiddies changed your freestyle dance teacher *dances* ’s name to well when life gives you lemons

well when life gives you lemons changed bbq sauce on my tiddies ’s name to the benefits of killing [me] would be [bernice] would get pushed way less

the benefits of killing [me] would be [bernice] would get pushed way less changed well when life gives you lemons ’s name to whahwhakjhsdjkh lipstick in my valentino white bag

whahwhakjhsdjkh lipstick in my valentino white bag changed the benefits of killing [me] would be [bernice] would get pushed way less ’s name to back at it again at the krispy kreme

back at it again at the krispy kreme changed whahwhakjhsdjkh lipstick in my valentino white bag ’s name to i got big ass eyebrows

oh my gosh ok you win post :you

wow thats fantastic actually i think ill keep that one :you

back at it again at the krispy kreme: why thank you bernice

back at it again at the krispy kreme: and i like mine too im not changing it back

honorary BeanTM: Oh! Vine references! I love Vine :D

back at it again at the krispy kreme: father please excuse my language

back at it again at the krispy kreme: but i fucking love you

honorary BeanTM: Aww thank you! You’ve been excused, Post :)))

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: hey guys not to be random or anything but i want a pet

mike no our last pet died :you

poor goldie :you

i still cant believe that you thought that slipping raw meat into his tank was a good idea :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: he needed some protein!!!

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: and im tired of going over to the septics or ipliers to snuggle an animal

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: why cant we have a discount spencer >:(((((

back at it again at the krispy kreme: did bernice not just explain to you why we cant have pets anymore

back at it again at the krispy kreme: you killed out last one mike

back at it again at the krispy kreme: i would like a pet too but honestly we all have the attention span of toddlers

seconded :you

if i could focus on something for long enough id say that id think about it :you

but mike you have to understand that pets are a lot of work :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: i know!! and ive done a lot of research this time ask yahoo!!!!

Yahoo!: I can confirm that Mike has actually used his brain and put thought into this

honorary BeanTM: A pet would be nice. But Bernice is right, Mike, animals require a lot of time and attention. And responsibility.

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: and i know!!! I know i know i know!!!! do i have to prove to you guys that i can be responsible >:((((

hmmmmmmm you know what yeah :you

you do have to prove that youre capable of handling a pet :you

we all love and want an animal in the house but the main people who would take care of it would be you me and mrs thomson :you

literal piss baby: why dont we steal a shelter dog and see if mike can keep it alive

Yahoo!: We do not have to steal one

Yahoo!: I skimmed through Mike’s purchase history on his credit card and it looks like he already payed the adoption fees for some mutt

Yahoo!: ...Mike

Yahoo!: Mike did you pay for two dogs

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: uhhhhhh oops?

mike oh my god i said one dog not two :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: well that was before you said something!!! way before!!

back at it again at the krispy kreme: mike what do you mean way before

back at it again at the krispy kreme: mike answer me

back at it again at the krispy kreme: mike

honorary BeanTM: ...So I haven’t been imagining those barking noises?

MICHAEL GAMEPLAYS YOU HAVE BEEN HIDING TWO DOGS IN THIS HOUSE FOR A MONTH??????? :you

im speedwalking over to your specialty room and if i see a mess i am going to BEAT YOUR ASS and then PUBLICLY HUMILIATE YOU :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: bernice its my room it can be as messy as i want it to be >:(((

literal piss baby: rip mike 2017-2021

literal piss baby: death by flip flop

mike :you

mike come here :you

Yahoo!: It was a pleasure knowing you Mike

i would like to say a few words :you

mike has... surprised me :you

the room is not a mess :you

the dogs look well cared for and loved :you

and the dog fur on the floor is minimal meaning he actually brushed out the fluffy little sh*t :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

congratulations mike you have two new pets :you

back at it again at the krispy kreme: forget mike we all have two new pets

back at it again at the krispy kreme: mike did you name them yet

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: no

honorary BeanTM: They’re so cute! Does anyone know what breed they are?

Yahoo!: I analyzed the photo and have determined that the larger black dog is a Labrador, and the fluffier and smaller white one is a Pomeranian.

literal piss baby: ayyyyy unus annus dogs

literal piss baby: pog

we are not naming them unus and annus you idiot :you

 and i want mike to name them since theyre his dogs now :you

ok then :you

he says he cant type since he cant stop shaking but theyre names are cookie and cream :you

honorary BeanTM: Like the ice cream! :D

back at it again at the krispy kreme: dibs on cream

literal piss baby: post i thought you were a big dog person

back at it again at the krispy kreme: no i like little dogs

back at it again at the krispy kreme: little dogs can be smuggled inside my uniform :)

literal piss baby: to go where???

back at it again at the krispy kreme: :)

post where are you trying to smuggle cream into :you

back at it again at the krispy kreme: :)

Chapter Text

9:28 am

eric where are you :you

sun boi: i’m over at the cranks yancy :D

sun boi: why, do you guys need me?

no no its just that heehoo escaped the portal and nobody can catch him to put him back :you

bdsm&ms: hes very attached to me and i am scared

sun boi: oh no! I’ll be back home in a few minutes then

angry leash child with a katana: no eric you dont have to cut your date short gsjhfklh

sun boi: it’s not a date yan >:(((

i think it is sun :you

sun boi: no it’s not >:(( i’m not dating blank

sk8tr bruh: ladies and gentlemen, we got him

we didnt say with blank eric :you

angry leash child with a katana: eriiiiiiiiiiic 

angry leash child with a katana: you like blank don’t you eric

angry leash child with a katana: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

sun boi: not like that >:((((((((((

sun boi: unsend that spongebob meme right now

angry leash child with a katana: no ❤️

bdsm&ms: guys there is still a naked man chasing me help please

sk8tr bruh: @darkiplier

darkiplier: I refuse to be responsible for this. Whoever opened the portal needs to come forward and put HeeHoo back.

i thought only eric knew how to open it boss :you

darkiplier: There are a few others, including myself, Google, and Host.

bdsm&ms: @Google_Blue @HOST put the fucking feral guy back where he came from

HOST: The host has no idea what you are referring to

thats bullshit host and you know it :you

Google_Blue: I have analyzed your current situation and have determined that the Host was the most probable cause of HeeHoo’s escape.

 ha! :you

darkiplier: Host, if you could please push HeeHoo back through the portal.

HOST: The host is, as the kids say, “going dark”

bdsm&ms: HOST GET THE FUCKIN MAEEKJGFAJFSGHABKL NRKJGLHKSFELIGWHB

bdsm&ms: helo

angry leash child with a katana: heehoo is???? texting???

angry leash child with a katana: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

angry leash child with a katana: heehoo is using???? annuss phone??????

sun i thought he didnt know english :you

sun boi: he knows english, i just didn’t know that he could respond in english

bdsm&ms: (▶︎ VIEW VIDEO)

sk8tr bruh: run dude run 

angry leash child with a katana: heehoo pro tip: annuss weak spot is the knees

kjsdhglkhj heehoo annus is ticklish too :you

bdsm&ms: fuck all of youufgdislbujgfhjlb.kdfgkjhalkflahlksdjllgjkdc

Chapter Text

5:37 pm

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

haha fischbach broke his foot :you

sun boi: oh no!! i hope he feels better D:

angry leash child with a katana: my man is ASHY oh my god

angry leash child with a katana: lhjdlgkkdhfg amy needs to get him some lotion

darkiplier: Perhaps we should give him get-well gifts.

dark?? being nice??? :you

darkiplier: It is more likely than you think, Bim.

sk8tr bruh: everyone just buy a bottle of lotion

angry leash child with a katana: no wait guys buy a bottle of lotion but wrap it so it looks completely different

knockoffzuko: 20 bucks to whoever can wrap it in the most ridiculous way

angry leash child with a katana: bet

angry leash child with a katana: you all are not prepared for this

7:34 pm

angry leash child with a katana: i am finished

sk8tr bruh: yan how did you do that that fast

angry leash child with a katana: when youre the favorite child everything gets done quicker

sk8tr bruh: you are not the favorite yan

angry leash child with a katana: you wanna bet bing

angry leash child with a katana: @darkiplier

darkiplier: Yes, Yan?

angry leash child with a katana: can i go out to petco i need to buy some more treats for bubblegum

darkiplier: Bubblegum has a full bin of treats. Why do you really need to go out, Yan?

sk8tr bruh: haha yan

angry leash child with a katana: to buy treats for myself

darkiplier: ...If you take longer than five minutes I am leaving you at Petco.

angry leash child with a katana: thank you thank you thank you

sk8tr bruh: first of all what the ****

sk8tr bruh: second of all i am concerned because yan is still going to the pet store

angry leash child with a katana: the training cookies are really good

to get back on topic i wrapped my lotion bottle like this :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

angry leash child with a katana: BIM LKJSDFLKJGFHL

angry leash child with a katana: amy is going to slaughter you

 amys nice she wont kill me :you

sun boi: bim no!! it’s shaped like a dick, you can’t possible be thinking of sending that to mark! D:<

but i am lol :you

and yancy wheres my 20 bucks :you

knockoffzuko: not so fast bucko

knockoffzuko: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

angry leash child with a katana: YANCY NOT THE LADDER KSDJAFHLKJHGLKAJF

well damn ive been beaten :you

angry leash child with a katana: wait wait wait you have to see mine

angry leash child with a katana: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

knockoffzuko: pipsqueak no way fjghlsfjakruy

angry leash child with a katana: yes way

angry leash child with a katana: “yes i did that. and you would do it too for a check. i was an employee—”

ok yan and her wrapped plate of nachos wins :you

HOST: The host believes he and Illinois Smith may have won

HOST: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

angry leash child with a katana: lkshagflkjlkjh how did you fit a bottle of lotion into that wrapping paper

angry leash child with a katana: chairs are usually flat host

HOST: The host specifies that the lotion bottle is travel sized, should Mark fischbach need to go to the hospital again

get his ass host ajhglkjhada :you

knockoffzuko: host an illy win then

knockoffzuko: wait where is illy

HOST: The host says that he is in immense pain as a result of our creators recent injury

shit is he in docs office :you

HOST: The host says you may ask him yourself, he is awake after all

HOST: @insert whip crack

insert whip crack: hey babes

angry leash child with a katana: for the love of god please dont ever type that again

angry leash child with a katana: but are you good

insert whip crack: honestly? no

insert whip crack: but i should be fine its just pain

insert whip crack: its not like its actually broken

illinois dont jinx it :you

and are you in docs office rn :you

insert whip crack: nope im in my room suffering

angry leash child with a katana: @shut up NURSE keep more tabs on your patients doc

shut up NURSE: He didnt tell me this was affecting him

shut up NURSE: Illinois get over here

shut up NURSE: WAIT

doc you really told him to walk over there when he has a wrecked foot :you

angry leash child with a katana: no wonder youre not an actual doctor

shut up NURSE: Illinois do not walk I REPEAT DO NOT WALK OVER HERE

shut up NURSE: Ill come get you I guess

insert whip crack: how romantic

insert whip crack: being carried to the clinic with an injury

shut up NURSE: I am no longer coming to get you

shut up NURSE: Bim can do it

no doc hes your patient kjghlksjhlk :you

sun boi: i can get you illy :D

insert whip crack: thank you eric

angry leash child with a katana: eric i didnt think you could lift that much weight

insert whip crack: 1. rude

insert whip crack: and 2. eric said that hes been practicing apparently

insert whip crack: hes pretty good at this actually

insert whip crack: better than bim anyway :/

im sorry i dropped you that one time mr muscles :you

angry leash child with a katana changed insert whip crack ’s name to mr muscles

mr muscles: fuck you

mr muscles: when my foot feels better i will beat you up

sun boi: i got illy to the clinic :D

angry leash child with a katana: good job eric 

guys how are we gonna get the lotion to mark :you

angry leash child with a katana: um the portal door obviously

knockoffzuko: not obviously because the ladder wont fold up right

knockoffzuko: oh sorry

knockoffzuko: the ‘ladder’ wont fold up right

angry leash child with a katana: ok well

angry leash child with a katana: @darkiplier

darkiplier: I just brought you to Petco and back, I am not transporting bottles of lotion to Fischbach’s house.

angry leash child with a katana: pleeeeaaaaaaaase darky please

angry leash child with a katana: please please please please please please

darkiplier: ...Fine.

whoop whoop three cheers for yan being the favorite :you

sk8tr bruh: not true

Chapter Text

2:12 pm

dads are asleep time for chaos :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: jackie what

dads are asleep time for c h a o s :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: jackie who are you referring to

chase and anti obviously :you

my memes suck eggs: i am not a dad and im not fucking asleep

pussy talented it does card tricks changed my memes suck eggs ’s name to daddy <3

ḑ̶̨̤̣̻̜͋͝ạ̴̡͙̣̀͛̈́͋̅͘͜d̸̛̦̮ḋ̶̼͘y̸̡̭͛͝ ̶̪͕̺͈̿̎̉̽͑<̵̩̱̄̂̕3̵̭̕ changed daddy <3 ’s name to antiseptichandsoap

pussy talented it does card tricks: thats not fair dad >:((((

antiseptichandsoap: i am not your dad please dont fucking call me that

awww anti just doesnt wanna admit that he has a soft spot :you

antiseptichandsoap: because i fuckin dont have one

pussy talented it does card tricks: then whats this

pussy talented it does card tricks: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

anti awwwwwww is that you and robbie cuddling :you

that is the most precious thing ive ever seen :you

antiseptichandsoap: fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you

pussy talented it does card tricks: anti oh my god were not making fun of you or anything

pussy talented it does card tricks: we think thats cute that you have a soft side <3

pffffffff he went dark :you

anti come back we love you :you

well we love your softer side but well settle for the sadistic side too :you

puppetkjdfbkgsd: Anti, you can not escape from being soft

puppetkjdfbkgsd: You live with Robbie, it was inevitable that you would develop dad-like traits

antiseptichandsoap: I AM NOT A FUCKING DAD

yes you are :you

puppetkjdfbkgsd: Yes, you are!

pussy talented it does card tricks: yes you are

pussy talented it does card tricks: @dad <3 can you confirm that anti has become a dad

dad <3: as a father of five i can indeed confirm that anti is a dad

pussy talented it does card tricks: ha take that dad

antiseptichandsoap: if im a dad then who are my fuckin kids

 anti are you braindead :you

 robbie and eric obviously :you

dad <3: were co-dads then <3

dad <3: join the dad club anti

antiseptichandsoap: n o

pussy talented it does card tricks: anti if you dont want to be a dad were just gonna label you as the fucked up uncle of the family kjdsfhlkfgajh

antiseptichandsoap: i will take that over being a fucking dad then

actually i think hed be in charge of blank too :you

antiseptichandsoap: ive never even really talked to him lol

pussy talented it does card tricks: youve ne

pussy talented it does card tricks: youve never talked to blank

pussy talented it does card tricks: h o w

 anti seriously??? :you

dad <3: anti how have you never talked to blank hes a sweetie

antiseptichandsoap: i have no fuckin reason to have a conversation with him

dad <3: yes you do him and eric are like best friends

more like friends with benefits but yeah theyre really close :you

antiseptichandsoap: if you absolutely want me to i guess i could text him later

pussy talented it does card tricks: good

cool anti will gain another kid :you

antiseptichandsoap: i  a m  n o t  a  f u c k i n g  d a d 

4:19 pm

priv chat with antiseptichandsoap

antiseptichandsoap: help i think i am a fuckin dad

what did we tell you anti :you

antiseptichandsoap: shut up chase

antiseptichandsoap: blank is adorable actually

antiseptichandsoap: and i hate that hes so sad >:((((((

i want to keep teasing you about this but i cant :you

did blank explain why hes so sad all the time :you

antiseptichandsoap: the kids not one for words

antiseptichandsoap: he used a whiteboard almost the entire time i was over there

 so you visited him in person :you

 anti youve gotten really soft :you

antiseptichandsoap: fuckin shut upppppppp

antiseptichandsoap: do you know why hes like that then

yeah :you

ethan made him like that :you

antiseptichandsoap: he fuckin w h a t

wait stop anti hold on before you go on a murder spree :you

anti i hear you stomping around up there you have to stop and listen for a sec :you

ethan didnt mean to :you

he didnt know that blank would become more than just a part of a skit :you

none of the creators knew about that :you

antiseptichandsoap: youre sure that nestor didnt know

anti im sure :you

antiseptichandsoap: i guess i wont go kill him :/

if you killed him then blank would disappear too :you

antiseptichandsoap: you dont know that

youre right but i dont want to find out if my guess is right :you

antiseptichandsoap: whatever

antiseptichandsoap: he laughed when i was over there yknow

antiseptichandsoap: it was quiet but he laughed

antiseptichandsoap: i like his laugh

 anti you are radiating so much dad energy i can feel it through my phone :you

antiseptichandsoap: shut the fuck up chase i swear to god

antiseptichandsoap: fine ill shut up then

no you can continue gushing about how adorable blank is :you

i wont interrupt you anymore :you

antiseptichandsoap: how often does blank come out of his room

oh um :you

maybe once a week? the worst it got was once every three months :you

antiseptichandsoap: thats gonna fuckin change immediately

antiseptichandsoap: bye im living at the cranks now

anti no :you

anti :you

you better reply to me or ill make sean ground you :you

anti :you

ANTI I JUST GOT A TEXT FROM BERNICE WHAT THE FUCK :you

GET YOURSELF AND YOUR DUFFEL BAGS BACK OVER HERE :you

IM CALLING SEAN :you

read 4:22 pm

Chapter Text

9:23 am

someone help cream escaped into goozs pond :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

literal piss baby: aw just let him swim around post

literal piss baby: hes looks like hes having fun

hes going to DROWN i need HELP :you

literal piss baby: wheres gooz then its their pond

they literally just left for a trip to visit heehoo :you

i got big ass eyebrows: @wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi wheres the comically oversized fish net

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: the one for the pool and gooz??? its in the poolside bin

i got big ass eyebrows: there you go post use that

im not using a fish net to grab cream :you

i got big ass eyebrows: theres no other way to bring him out of the water so your loss ig

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: post if my dog drowns i am coming after you

its not my fault somebody left the door open to goozs room :you

blanketboy: oops

i got big ass eyebrows: blank?? blank its ok you didnt mean to

blanketboy: ber i knw that

blanketboy: im not beatng mself up over it so calm dwn pleas

i got big ass eyebrows: ok blank why were you over in goozs room

blanketboy: why r you over mindng yur buisnes ber >:(

literal piss baby: blank since when did you get so sassy

i got big ass eyebrows: blank if you dont tell us about your latest visit then were going to assume the worst

literal piss baby: i wouldnt call him and eric dating ‘the worst’ ber

literal piss baby: theyd make a cute couple

blanketboy: no coment 

 ok ok can we move past teasing blank and get cream out of the pond :you

blanketboy: ofer him a stck 

blanketboy: he likes sticks :D

that actually worked :you

thanks for saving cream blank :you

blanketboy: np :)

literal piss baby: can we get back to teasing blank 

literal piss baby: its an enjoyable pasttime

i got big ass eyebrows: no i think its time to leave him alone

i got big ass eyebrows: if he wants to keep secrets then well just find about them the hard way

blanketboy: thank you ber

Yahoo!: Have any of you seen Mrs. Thomson this morning?

uhhhh nope why :you

i got big ass eyebrows: nobody said she was here on out daily check in

i got big ass eyebrows: do you think she faded again

Yahoo!: No I just needed to talk to her about someone

literal piss baby: why

literal piss baby: yahoo why

Yahoo!: We may or may not have a new roommate

yahoo whats that supposed to mean :you

Yahoo!: I um

Yahoo!: I really don’t know how to explain this so

Yahoo!: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

literal piss baby: oh sweet jesus what is THAT

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: yahoo what the fuck is that

Yahoo!: I don’t know but it’s acting like a feral child and gnawing on an exposed part of my leg

hold on :you

hmmmmmmmm i kind of recognize it :you

i think fischbach used it in a skit maybe?? :you

i got big ass eyebrows: oh shit post youre right thats lunky!!!!

literal piss baby: l u n k y ???

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: what kind of name is lunky

i got big ass eyebrows: mark used it as a replacement for his editor interactions in a few of his videos

i got big ass eyebrows: thats interesting that it appeared at our place though

yahoo did they just appear of did they walk up to you :you

literal piss baby: no wait heres a more important question yahoo

literal piss baby: why did you only want to talk to gran about that

Yahoo!: ...She’s good with children, right?

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: that thing isnt a kid yahoo

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: that looks like an animate piece of paper

Yahoo!: OK but they’re acting like a child! I don’t know how to handle children! 

Yahoo!: Or how to stop them from eating my synthetic skin!

i got big ass eyebrows: ugh fine im on my way

i got big ass eyebrows: where are you

Yahoo!: Outside

maybe you could just push them into the pool :you

literal piss baby: can pieces of paper drown

i got big ass eyebrows: YAHOO DO NOT TRY TO DROWN LUNKY

Yahoo!: I wasn’t planning on it Bernice

yahoo you never answered my question :you

Yahoo!: They sort of… hopped over to me? From inside

Yahoo!: They seem to not be able to actually move their lower leg joints, but they somehow can use enough momentum to hop around

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: thats interesting and strange and freaky

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: all in favor of drowning the paper ‘child’

Yahoo!: Bernice will not permit me to drop Lunky into the pool

i got big ass eyebrows: for a GOOD REASON

i got big ass eyebrows: im heading over to the ipliers to talk this out with dark

i got big ass eyebrows: if i could detach lunky from yahoos SKIN

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: lunky it doesnt taste good stop trying

literal piss baby: im not going to ask how you know what yahoos skin tastes like

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: i wanted to try making a new ice cream flavor

literal piss baby: the context somehow made it even worse

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: :)

what do you guys think theyll do with lunky :you

literal piss baby: put him in a paper shredder

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: i feel like theyd shred him and then find some way to make king use it for his squirrels nests

pffffff i could see that :you

i was thinking theyd set him on bim :you

if he likes skin that much hed have his own little cannibal kid :you

literal piss baby: skjghkjsh cannibal kid

i got big ass eyebrows: guess who found out that lunky can screech very loudly :))))))

i got big ass eyebrows: at least we were outside

Yahoo!: I think my audio processors have been fried

i got big ass eyebrows: i got the little shit off of yahoo though

i got big ass eyebrows: im off to the iplers now

i got big ass eyebrows: lets hope i dont drop them on the walk over

literal piss baby: *soldiers salute*

*soldiers salute* :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: *soldiers salute*

i got big ass eyebrows: i will turn back around and set this thing on you guys

Chapter Text

9:38 am

AHHHHH WHO LET THIS THING LOOSE NEAR MY SUBJECTS?????? :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

darkiplier added i got big ass eyebrows

darkiplier: Bernice. Explain immediately.

i got big ass eyebrows: dark i swear it was not my intention to let go of lunky just now

i got big ass eyebrows: they tried to bite me and i didnt want to find out if they had rabies or not

darkiplier: I do not care why you let it go. I care why you have brought it into my house.

i got big ass eyebrows: lunky was a character that your creator created and i wanted to happily turn them over to you all

i got big ass eyebrows: i dont know how they ended up over at our place but i wasnt about to deal with them for more than five minutes

i got big ass eyebrows: your lucky i didnt drop them on the way over here

darkiplier: I would have much rather preferred that, actually.

SMEBOD Y HLP MY SQUIREESL :you

insert whip crack: ill save them king

angry leash child with a katana: im coming king!!!

knockoffzuko: @sun boi you think you can tame this thing too?

sun boi: they look and seemingly act entirely different than heehoo yancy!!

sun boi: i don’t think i’d want to try that anyway, they look scary

angry leash child with a katana: ugh illy beat me to to the dome

angry leash child with a katana: its kinda funny seeing him try to wrestle a piece of paper though

angry leash child with a katana: (▶︎ VIEW VIDEO)

knockoffzuko: oh my god that things terrifying

knockoffzuko: its beating illy in a fist fight??

knockoffzuko: king you might wanna just relocate your squirrels

sun boi: you know who i think they would like? the jims

angry leash child with a katana: you know what yeah they do act almost exactly like the jims

angry leash child with a katana: also fyi lunky just left the dome

insert whip crack: and you didnt even try to stop them!!!

angry leash child with a katana: oops?

shut up NURSE: If you come across this Lunky keep all of your body parts covered and away from its mouth

shut up NURSE: I am not in the mood for experimenting with treatments today

they BIT one of my SUBJECTS doc!!! :you

what do i do to treat this??? squirrels cant contract rabies but this bitten squirrel is twitching and frothing at the mouth :you

angry leash child with a katana: idk you could ask google

knockoffzuko: why would googs know how to treat an unknown animal disease yan

angry leash child with a katana: good point

angry leash child with a katana: go ask schneep then

sun boi: guys

sun boi: guys lunky is in front of me

sun boi: lunky just glued themself to my prosthetic

sun boi: like actually glued themselves, i keep shaking my leg and they won’t drop off

darkiplier: Derekson do not panic. I will be over to remove it from you in a second.

darkiplier: Hm. I may just have figured out what to do with them.

angry leash child with a katana: well go ahead dark dont be all cryptic on us

sun boi: dark i’m not panicking, they’re just hanging out

sun boi: they’re making a weird static noise though, i’m not sure if that’s good or not

darkiplier: Perhaps I should send Lunky back from whence it came.

i got big ass eyebrows: absolutely fucking not

darkiplier: I did not mean back to your house, Bernice. I meant back to Fischbach’s.

i got big ass eyebrows: thats better

sun boi: lunky is… dissolving my prosthetic leg?

sun boi: they jumped off and now they’re gnawing on it an it’s actually starting to fall apart

darkiplier: Eric where are you.

sun boi: right outside my room

angry leash child with a katana: rip docs bank account hes gonna have to get a new one

shut up NURSE: I knew it would happen eventually, I have at least three extras

angry leash child with a katana: damn ok then

9:54 am

priv chat with darkiplier

dark again i am so sorry for causing a mass panic at the manor :you

darkiplier: It’s alright. Everything should be fine now, and that nuisance has been returned to it’s owner. 

darkiplier: Is there something you wish to ask me? You are still online.

yeah um :you

do you have any idea why he showed up at our house and not yours? :you

i mean nestor had nothing to do with lunky but yahoo said he still arrived in our house :you

darkiplier: I.. have my suspicions. One of which is mightily disturbing and perhaps a bit disrespectful toward your family.

oh please kjdshgkl :you

whatever your theory is it cant be more insulting than mikes entire existence /j :you

darkiplier: Alright. I am under the impression that Lunky Arrived at your residence because it was… a lesser being. 

darkiplier: It is underdeveloped, and left without a proper backstory. It’s life force is solely the back of the fans’ minds. It may very well have Faded already.

darkiplier: I apologize if I come off as rude, comparing it to you Cranks.

darkiplier: Bernice?

no dark youre good its fine :you

i was just soaking it in yknow :you

i guess youre right we are kind of ‘underdeveloped’ too :you

were all fanon kind of and it would make sense that we would greet other fanon and lesser known egos :you

darkiplier: Have you ever had someone Fade and never Return again?

darkiplier: I apologize again. You do not have to answer me.

dark its f i n e :you

it happened once i guess :you

i think his name was challenge mcgyver or something?? :you

post was the one most upset over it :you

he still celebrates his arrival day every year :/ :you

i feel really bad for not really remembering about him but were so used to dying all the time that it doesnt really bother us anymore :you

especially unus and his fascination with death or whatever gfjkhlkdh :you

darkiplier: Bernice I may not show it but I hold immense sympathy for you and your siblings.

darkiplier: I could never imagine the pain that you all go through on a weekly basis.

darkiplier: ...Take care of yourself, please. And try not to let the next unexpected ego loose in my house after they Arrive at yours.

aye aye captain kjfghkafjhdf :you

and uh :you

thanks dark :) :you

read 10:01 am

Chapter Text

2:14 pm

supermarketspiderman: i have the urge to go bowling

then go bowling? theres literally nothing stopping you jackie :you

supermarketspiderman: yes there is chase

supermarketspiderman: marvins mad at me :(

hmmmm i wonder why :you

those dragon tears or whatever arent gonna replace themselves jackie :you

supermarketspiderman: i didnt fucking mean to knock the bottle over ok???

supermarketspiderman: @pussy talented it does card tricks ive apologized like fifty times jesus marvin im sorry

antiseptichandsoap: marvin stop bein a petty bitch

pussy talented it does card tricks: im not being petty anti

pussy talented it does card tricks: i am very reasonably still upset over a wasted batch of spell supplies

marvin if you send jackie to a random bowling alley he wont be around to mess up anything else :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: that would be rewarding him and i do not want to do that

supermarketspiderman: marvin pleeeeeaaaaaaaassseeeeee

pussy talented it does card tricks: no jackie!!

pussy talented it does card tricks: you know better than to go into my special room >:(((

antiseptichandsoap: jackie ill take ya since pussys still got a stick up his arse

maybe we can all go? :you

marvin you look like you could use a break :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: no i dont

marvin you look like you just got back from the grocery store with those heavy bags under your eyes :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: i have more important things to do instead of bowling

antiseptichandsoap: ewwwww youre starting to sound like sheep

antiseptichandsoap: @zee good doktah hey could you maybe not spread your influence to the rest of the house

zee good doktah: Marvin you do look like you havent slept in ages

pussy talented it does card tricks: youre one to talk

zee good doktah: I really think you should go bowling with us

marvin even schneep is going with us :you

you know what jackie help me grab marvin :you

supermarketspiderman: oooh are we gonna drag him there?? fun 

pussy talented it does card tricks: GT THE DUCK OFFSFA O ME HEJKLAFAP 

antiseptichandsoap: mission passed

antiseptichandsoap: respect +

thegreatjackson: Why do I hear angry hissing sounds? Is PP being agitated?

antiseptichandsoap: no jj were dragging marv out to go bowling

antiseptichandsoap: go get robbie and meet us in the living room

thegreatjackson: OK!

zee good doktah: Jameson who did you get to change your username

thegreatjackson: No comment

antiseptichandsoap: jj what

antiseptichandsoap: wait jj now were gonna assume things

zee good doktah: Jameson well find out eventually

thegreatjackson: N o  c o m m e n t

5:35 pm

pussy talented it does card tricks: that was fun

says the idiot that didnt even want to go in the first place :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: shut up chase

supermarketspiderman: um did anyone not notice that robbie just stole one of the bowling balls

zee good doktah: Robert! Someone needs to tell him that the ball needs to go back

i dont think it was robbies fault actually :you

@thegreatjackson would you like to explain why youre sneaking off with three bowling balls :you

thegreatjackson: Guilty as charged, unfortunately.

thegreatjackson: Go ahead, send Robbie and I back there so I can return them.

supermarketspiderman: i may be stupid but i think theres something else going on here

zee good doktah: Yes I suspect something is happening too

zee good doktah: Jameson why did you take them in the first place?

thegreatjackson: They look rather neat! Look, this one is swirly!

thegreatjackson: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) 

look whatever hes going to do with the bowling balls and robbie shouldnt be life threatening :you

i say go ahead and send them back over marvin :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: fine

pussy talented it does card tricks: get back over here both of you

thegreatjackson: Alright! :D

10:43 pm

w h e r e  i s  r o b b i e :you

thegreatjackson: He’s still with me, Chase.

 still :you

 STILL??????? :you

 @pussy talented it does card tricks MARVIN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING MAKE THEM A PORTAL HOME :you

supermarketspiderman: hes dead asleep and schneep told me not to move him or hed shove a thermometer up my ass

supermarketspiderman: he must have been really tired because im trying everything to wake him up and its not working

zee good doktah: Jackie what did I tell you not to do

zee good doktah: I’m about to waste a perfectly good thermometer on your ass

zee good doktah: Literally

supermarketspiderman: going dark

thegreatjackson: Chase, Robbie is fine :D

thegreatjackson: We’ve been bowling for a while, and he’s getting really good at it!

thegreatjackson: I like watching him do a little shimmy every time he gets a strike :)))))

thegreatjackson: (▶︎ VIEW VIDEO) 

thatd be all well and good if it wasnt fucking ELEVEN AT NIGHT JJ!!!!! :you

antiseptichandsoap: i contacted dark and he said hed get them back here

antiseptichandsoap: now everyone shut the hell up im trying to sleep

Chapter Text

6:30 am

this is bernice with your daily not dead announcement! type in chat if youre not dead today :you

guys? :you

hellooooo :you

really? not even blank? :you

@blanketboy ?? :you

anyone? :you

7:34 am

guys this isnt funny :you

i swear to god if i dont see one of you by 9 im going to :you

nevermind :you

please please please be ok :you

please be ok guys :you

youve got to be ok :you

9:02 am

guys? :you

this is pitiful really :you

guys please :you

whichever one of you was able to completely wipe away all of your specialty rooms better fess up right now :you

this isnt :you

do you guys know how much youre worrying me right now? :you

i cant believe you all rn :you

10:22 am

 im this close to contacting the septics :you

 maybe even the ipliers im that desperate :you

 where are you all? :you

 i dont want to believe it but you guys are making this really difficult :you

2:28 pm

why? :you

guys why? :you

i :you

i should be ready for this. i should have expected this to happen sometime :you

why :you

why am i the only one left? :you

why not blank? or unus or gooz or literally anyone else??? :you

i hate this. i hate you guys :you

no i dont :you

no i dont hate you guys :you

just come back :you

please :you

5:32 pm

you guys know those stages of grief or whatever?? :you

i cant believe that we were all trained to be at the fifth stage immediately :you

i miss you guys :you

its only been like a few hours but it still hurts :you

it hurts that im not eating grans cooking rn :you

it hurts that i cant hear post and mike arguing outside :you

it hurts that i dont see blank smiling :you

i would have settled for you frowning blank :you

jesus christ it hurts that i can cuss in this chat now since father :you

since youre all gone :you

youre all gone :you

youre all gone :you

im :you

why :you

i cant think :you

maybe i do need to talk to the septics before i go the same way as wilford :you

or mike :you

or maybe not :you

would i ever be able to see you guys again if i did? :you

11:41 pm

you know what? :you

i think im gonna wait for you guys :you

yeah!! ill stay up and wait for you all to get back! :you

this has happened before, you guys always come back!! :you

we all come back after fading!! :you

you guys better return quick, i could really use mrs thomsons help with this welcome back cake!! :you

see you guys soon :))) :you

Chapter Text

7:42 pm

help :you

i got big ass eyebrows: with what unus

blank and cookie fell asleep on me but i want to go back to my room :you

i got big ass eyebrows: why

i got big ass eyebrows: thats like the comfiest position to be in

i cant feel my legs and this position is not good for anyones neck :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: just get up?? its literally not that hard

i got big ass eyebrows: mike he just said he cant feel his legs

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: sounds like a personal problem

h e l p :you

back at it again at the krispy kreme: just slink out from under them like a noodle

back at it again at the krispy kreme: wait actually where are you

back at it again at the krispy kreme: that might be dangerous

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: since when are you worried about unuss safety post

back at it again at the krispy kreme: im not talking about unus you idiot im talking about blank

back at it again at the krispy kreme: he could hit his noggin :(

 uh maybe you dont have to come and help guys :you

 cookie woke up and is assaulting blank with slobber :you

oh and we were chilling on the couch post :you

but now were not since blank is up now :you

i got big ass eyebrows: hmmmmm im worried

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: about blank waking up?? bernice what is your problem

i got big ass eyebrows: no im worried because nothing bad has happened today yet

i got big ass eyebrows: nothing is broken or messed up

i got big ass eyebrows: nobody has gotten hurt

i got big ass eyebrows: it just feels weird

Yahoo!: You might ȟ̷̠ǎ̵͜ve jinxed it Bern̸̓͜i̶̦͋c̵̱̃e

 woah yahoo you good? :you

back at it again at the krispy kreme: ah shoot did you get another virus?

another???? :you

i got big ass eyebrows: unus there was one time back when google was a huge shithead where he gave some sort of virus to anti

i got big ass eyebrows: but he didnt show any symptoms of it and he accidentally passed it to yahoo

yikes :you

do you think that happened again? :you

Yahoo!: Nỏ̶͖

Yahoo!: I think B̵̙̐B̸͈̄B̸̀͜B̴̙̚B̴̌ͅB̵̼̑i̴͉̽ng did something the la̸͎̎å̸̳a̸̳á̵̼a̷͚̎s̴͖̔t time I w̵̦̚w̶̬͌w̴̦͋ẉ̸̕w̵̖̒w̸̖̒w̵̪̌as over

back at it again at the krispy kreme: bing? yahoo i think your systems totally fried man

Yahoo!: Idiị̸͌i̷̝̽ǐ̵̦i̸̬͐o̷̖͆t̵͎͂ was meeeeessing w̵̺̿w̷̗̄w̴͖͑w̶̧͑i̵̜͘t̸͔̋h some s̵͎͗s̷̞̑s̶͎̏s̴͕̊s̶̪̈́ǒ̸̧rt of

i got big ass eyebrows: i think he shut down oof

i got big ass eyebrows: at least we cant actually die or anything

he needs to be taken over to the ipliers or something :you

unless any of you know how to repair damaged half robots :you

i got big ass eyebrows: whos taking him over there

i got big ass eyebrows: not it

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: not it

back at it again at the krispy kreme: not it

blanketboy: no it

fuck :you

do you guys know how heavy he is :you

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: what are you whining for hes got built in heelies

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: youll be fine its only a walk down the block

yeah with a deadweight android that weighs about as much as your ice cream truck :you

i got big ass eyebrows: oh my god unus just suck it up

i got big ass eyebrows: hes not that hard to handle

i got big ass eyebrows: here ill push him to the door for you if you want me to

thank you bernice :you

i got big ass eyebrows: wait help

i got big ass eyebrows: help heLP HELP YAHOO WOKE BACK UP

i got big ass eyebrows: HES CHASING ME AN HIS EYS R GLOINSD RES

i got big ass eyebrows: AHT D OI DO AAAH HHFHFJHJSADSDADS

wouldntuliketoknowweatherboi: ber jump in the pool i dont think hes waterproof today

back at it again at the krispy kreme: *sighs* ill get the spray bottle

Chapter Text

2:31 pm

supermarketspiderman: why is jj playing the kazoo

i taught him what it was and how to play it :you

supermarketspiderman: he wont put it down

supermarketspiderman: help

supermarketspiderman: chase seriously why did you do this

i dont see a problem with that :you

thegreatjackson: Any song requests? :D

antiseptichandsoap: obviously never gonna give you up

supermarketspiderman: GOD DAMNIT HE JUST RICK ROLLED ME

 haha :you

thegreatjackson: This is fun!

pussy talented it does card tricks: i hate to interrupt your fun in the living room but we have a situation

pussy talented it does card tricks: i cant find my mask

supermarketspiderman: marvin i though you had that thing on you 24/7

pussy talented it does card tricks: i do!!! but i cant find it anywhere now!!! and i need it!!!!

ok marvin where was the last place you had it :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: right beside me in my potion room!!

pussy talented it does card tricks: i turn around for three seconds and its gone!

antiseptichandsoap: marvin im pretty sure i know who took it

antiseptichandsoap: dumbass jims dont plan their schemes out loud

pussy talented it does card tricks: that makes sense

pussy talented it does card tricks: the thing is 1. how did they get in my room, let alone our house

pussy talented it does card tricks: and 2. how did they manage to get back out

well somebody with teleporting abilities would have had to help them :you

antiseptichandsoap: chase stop fuckin glaring at my username

antiseptichandsoap: just because i revealed it was the jims doesnt mean i helped them

thegreatjackson: I have a list of people who can teleport if you want it, Marvin

pussy talented it does card tricks: im not going to ask why you have that, but i am going to ask if i can have it

thegreatjackson: Wilford, Dark, technically Host, Anti, Marvin, sometimes Robbie, Mike, Unus, Mrs. Thomson

mrs thomson can teleport???????? :you

antiseptichandsoap: when the fuck was she gonna tell us that

pussy talented it does card tricks: i think it could be either wilford or mike

pussy talented it does card tricks: and maybe unus

supermarketspiderman: so are you going to go get your mask back or?

pussy talented it does card tricks: i cant

pussy talented it does card tricks: i dont go out without my mask jackie you know that

pussy talented it does card tricks: YOU have a mask that you wear all the time, you should understand

marvin its not like the ipliers are gonna shame you or something :you

if anything i bet at least half of them will be at your heels begging for scar stories :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: theyre going to be disappointed, most of them are from spells aimed in the wrong direction

antiseptichandsoap: they enjoy that shit

antiseptichandsoap: just make us a fuckin portal 

pussy talented it does card tricks: fine

bye guys :you

punch rj for me :you

antiseptichandsoap: oh im gonna do more than punch the little shit

thegreatjackson: Violence is never the answer Anti!

thegreatjackson: But it is the question, and the answer is yes. Just be gentle.

supermarketspiderman: i never thought id live to see the day where jj encourages anti to maim someone

3:42 pm

G̸̡͍̾͊͗o̵͍͎͕̠̾̌͝ȍ̴̟̖̌͛̚g̶̥̞̱͉͛͝ͅl̵͓̞͗͛͘e̸͙̜̓̚_̶͓̻̘̪̣͌͜͝B̴̫̘̬̗̉͝l̷̡͇̖͂͊͑͘u̵̝̜̼͊̀̐͜͠e̶̦͖͓͈̫̾̑ added darkiplier

darkiplier: I have been informed that the Jims being strapped to our kitchen ceiling by their socks is the fault of you all. Why.

supermarketspiderman: they took marvins mask dark

antiseptichandsoap: none of your fuckin business dark

antiseptichandsoap: god damnit jackie you type faster than me

dark that mask is really important to marvin and he really freaks out without it :you

and it turns out the jims didnt even have it so hes freaking out even more :you

darkiplier: I am not sure that I buy that, but it is a good enough excuse to leave them up there for a while longer. Good luck in finding your mask, Marvin.

darkiplier: And for the record, I think you would benefit from not wearing it so often.

darkiplier left the chat room

antiseptichandsoap: im going back over there to beat up dark

no youre not stay here anti :you

did you question wilford while you were over there :you

antiseptichandsoap: yeah but he never gives you a straight answer so im not sure if hes cleared or not

antiseptichandsoap: but then again he might be too fuckin delusional to pull something like this off

supermarketspiderman: so its mike

antiseptichandsoap: you dont fuckin know that

supermarketspiderman: process of elimination stupid

supermarketspiderman: host wouldnt do this, mrs thomson wouldnt do this, robbie wouldnt do this

supermarketspiderman: marvin wouldnt steal his own mask, anti would have given it back, and unus… 

supermarketspiderman: well i dont know for sure but i dont think he even pays attention to marvin

you never know jackie maybe dark did it :you

supermarketspiderman: ok ok fine go question him then

supermarketspiderman: go get your ass beat fine by me

antiseptichandsoap: jackie oh my god

antiseptichandsoap: if you want to go accuse mike then go

antiseptichandsoap: ill even take you over there

supermarketspiderman: fine

antiseptichandsoap: fine

 please stop acting like children :you

supermarketspiderman: says you

Chapter Text

2:33 pm

why is marvins mask on the dining room table :you

i got big ass eyebrows: idk mike maybe ask him instead of us

rude :you

and i dont feel like it :you

...should i put it on :you

i got big ass eyebrows: mike you dont know if its laced with a special spell or something

back at it again at the krispy kreme: do it no balls you wont

literal piss baby: yeah mike i think you should do it

Yahoo!: Mike do not. Bernice is right, you dont know what kind of magic that thing has

im gonna do it :you

i did it and nothing bad happened :you

take that bernice you were wronsabdgkjhnkbld :you

whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck :you

honorary BeanTM: Michael! Language! D:<

honorary BeanTM: Oh. Nevermind. You’re excused, given your situation.

i got big ass eyebrows: what did i tell you mike

i got big ass eyebrows: i knew something bad was going to happen

i got big ass eyebrows: but noooooo nobody wants to listen to bernice, the crank with the most common sense

literal piss baby: false. that would be father

if you guys could stop and HELP ME GET DOWN OH MY GOD IM FLOATING HELP :you

THIS IS BY FAR MY WORST IDEA :you

AHHHHHH THE SMOKE IS POKING AT ME AHHHHHH :you

MARVIN REALLY MADE THIS THING ASSAULT PEOPLE IF THEY MESS WITH IT????? :you

HELP ME :you

back at it again at the krispy kreme: who wants popcorn

literal piss baby: so are we just going to watch father struggle to help mike with this or

Yahoo!: I say he deserves it. Let him hang there and get poked.

i got big ass eyebrows: i agree

i got big ass eyebrows: he got himself in that position, he can get himself out of it

i got big ass eyebrows: he could just try to take the mask off though

back at it again at the krispy kreme: dont tell him that!!!

i got big ass eyebrows: hes not gonna listen anyway, no one listens to me when i say something sensible

3:48 pm

literal piss baby: it took jackie a whole hour to come over here smh

back at it again at the krispy kreme: ok mike, what have we learned about playing with strange otherworldly enchanted objects

absolutely nothing :you

ill do it again tomorrow :you

i got big ass eyebrows: mike seriously

i got big ass eyebrows: you need to thank jackie for saving you from that and marvins wrath

i got big ass eyebrows: he was pretty pissed that his mask ended up over here

well it was the jims fault :you

wait now that i think about it :you

did they try to frame me??? :you

brb im gonna go do some punishing of my own :you

Yahoo!: Mike stay over here

Yahoo!: And hes gone

i got big ass eyebrows: whatever, as long as he doesnt get into too much trouble ig

i got big ass eyebrows: id much rather him cause chaos over there than over here

back at it again at the krispy kreme: on a completely unrelated note who ate all of the vanilla ice cream

i got big ass eyebrows: post i think you can figure that out for yourself

back at it again at the krispy kreme: no i cant. and i know you think its mike but im sure he didnt do it

back at it again at the krispy kreme: he has his own stash in his room to eat

Yahoo!: I may or may not have done that

i got big ass eyebrows: yahoo i thought you couldn’t eat stuff

Yahoo!: I didnt eat it Bernice

Yahoo!: I used it for an experiment

literal piss baby: yahoo what kind of experiment

Yahoo!: Nothing that concerns you

Yahoo!: :)

Chapter Text

4:26 pm

ahahahaha ok which one of you fuckers used BASTARD as a name for diva :you

sun boi: yan what are you talking about?

ok everyone always calls them by a nickname :you

like pubby wubby or snuffleuffogus :you

but i was playing mario cart with cj and rj and i called cj a bastard and diva came running :you

sk8tr bruh: whoops

 WHAT is your PROBLEM???? why would you call them a BASTARD bing???? :you

 you know what :you

angry leash child with a katana changed sk8tr bruh ’s name to bastard

bastard changed angry leash child with a katana ’s name to bigger bastard

fuck you :you

bastard: **** YOU

sun boi: guys please don’t fight! 

bing you are so fucking lucky that i actually listen to eric :you

bastard: well unlucky for you i DONT listen to eric

bastard: square up *****

YOU DIDNT :you

YOU FUCKING :you

eric avert your eyes :you

sun boi: @darkiplier !!!!!

darkiplier: What in God’s name is going on now?

sun boi: dark help they’re going to fight and i don’t want them to fight because it’s over something silly!!

im fighting bing to the death because he called your dog a bad word dark :you

and its not something silly its defending this dogs honor :you

only dark gets to call diva a bastard :you

darkiplier: If you two are going to have a fist fight please do it outside. It would be inconsiderate to string Bing’s remains on the floor where Benjamin just swept.

sir yes sir :you

wait a minute :you

bing this fight is on hold. i need to know who benjamin is. :you

bastard: dark is this benjamin person just visiting or? because i havent seen anyone new come in

darkiplier: You don’t know about Benjamin? He’s lived here for three or so years and you don’t know about him?

 THREE YEARS?? :you

 what the fuck is this guy a ninja or something :you

bastard: idk it could be a situation similar to when mini bing was around

bastard: still mad about that btw

darkiplier: I suppose Benjamin does not like to make himself known. He is our butler of sorts. Benjamin mainly cleans around the Manor.

im sorry hes a  w h a t :you

bastard: so when was anyone gonna tell us about our butler

darkiplier: I was under the impression that everyone already knew about Benjamin, so I refrained from saying anything about him.

darkiplier: And I know what both of you are thinking so no, you are not allowed to ask him to do something for you.

dark what is the point of a butler if youre not allowed to ask him to do stuff :/ :you

bastard: idk yan i think cleaning around the house is enough work

bastard: do you know how many messes we make like daily

bastard: i always wondered who cleans it all up. I just figured it was googs or doc

hey eric youve gone dark what do you have to say about this :you

sun boi: benjamin is a nice man and he already does enough around here! we shouldn’t pressure him to do something else even if it is his job.

bastard: ‘is’

sun boi: …?

 eric you said he ‘IS a nice man.’ not that you THINK hes a nice man. :you

 did you know about benjamin eric :you

sun boi: of course i knew about benjamin! i saw benjamin in my first week here! 

sun boi: he’s really funny and he likes my brownie recipe :D

bastard: so in conclusion: we are all stupid except for eric

sun boi: you’re not stupid! but i can’t really tell you to pay more attention, since ben slinks around like he’s attempting to assassinate someone

 well you never know eric maybe he is :you

 dark who even is benjamin :you

 is he like an ego? did he arrive with you or something, do you know him from somewhere? :you

darkiplier: Benjamin is technically an ego, yes. He did Arrive with me, and I’m not so cruel as to disown one of my friends in need.

bastard: awww dark called him a friend

darkiplier: I would appreciate it if you resumed your fight with Bing, Yan.

not right now im not in the mood anymore :you

i want to know more about benjamin :you

darkiplier: You may ask Eric or Benjamin himself, then. I have other things to do at the moment.

bastard: i feel like he just said that to hide something from us

yeah same :you

but its ok well find out eventually :you

bastard: eric does benjamin have a last name

sun boi: if he does he’s never told me.

sun boi: hey wait! don’t go trying to dig up dirt on benjamin! if he doesn’t want something to be known then you obviously shouldn’t pry about it!

bastard: ok ok fine

well just pester you about it then eric :you

sun boi: well i’m not giving you any answers! I’m good at keeping secrets.

sun boi: going dark because benjamin is at my door.

bwahahahaha you shouldnt have said that eric :you

bastard: were on our way eric

sun boi: dang it!

Chapter Text

1:03 pm

priv chat with i got big ass eyebrows

bernice help :you

i got big ass eyebrows: chase whats up

ive got to travel for a collab tomorrow and i was wondering if you could babysit my kids for a day or 2 :you

i got big ass eyebrows: i mean sure but i thought you didnt trust any of us with your kids

i dont. i only trust mrs thomson but theres no other alternative :you

every single one of my siblings is gonna to be busy :you

i got big ass eyebrows: what about the ipliers?

hahahaha vv funny ber :you

i got big ass eyebrows: no chase im serious why not them

nobody told you abt the literal glitter bomb incident? :you

i got big ass eyebrows: i am equal parts curious and horrified

long story short cara said somethn about glitter bombs when bing asked for prank ideas :you

n wilford overheard n thought she meant actual bombs :you

i am not taking my children over there again in case they have another near death experience :you

i got big ass eyebrows: ok that makes sense

i got big ass eyebrows: but you know that i cant guarantee that gran will be there

i got big ass eyebrows: she hasnt faded in a while and im worried that shell disappear in the middle of babysitting

thats obviously not good but like i said im out of options :you

just make sure shes out of the room when she starts to fade :you

ive explained a little bit of it to grayson since hes older but... :you

god i dont want them seeing that. noone should have to see that or go through it as much as you guys do :you

i got big ass eyebrows: i understand. maybe blank and yahoo can take over instead

i got big ass eyebrows: yahoo just returned yesterday and you know how it is with blank

that sounds good :you

theyve got overnight stuff packed jic i do end up home late :you

they dont have any dietary restrictions besides no sugar right before bed obv :you

n cara cant sleep without like ten blankets :you

i got big ass eyebrows: chase we know your kids oh my god. we know their needs and wants. weve got this

i got big ass eyebrows: make a booklet or something if youre so paranoid

thats actually a brilliant idea brb :you

i got big ass eyebrows: CHASE

i got big ass eyebrows: chase i swear to god come back right now

ok alright i was joking :you

theyll be over at like 5am tomorrow :you

im really sorry but i have to leave that early to catch my flight :you

i got big ass eyebrows: chase its fine

i got big ass eyebrows: i dont think blank ever sleeps right so hell be up by then

i got big ass eyebrows: and i can always tug yahoos charger out myself lmao

dont do that. theyll need the extra energy trust me :you

i got big ass eyebrows: ehhhhh i think theyll be fine

i got big ass eyebrows: ig ill see you tomorrow chase

see ya :you

1:11 pm

i got big ass eyebrows created a group chat

i got big ass eyebrows named the chat room babysitting duty

i got big ass eyebrows added Yahoo!

i got big ass eyebrows added blanketboy

listen up fellas :you

chase has to travel tomorrow and he put us in charge of his children :you

Yahoo!: A horrible decision on his part

shut up yahoo stop being a pessimist :you

anyway :you

he wanted to put gran in charge but shes due to fade any day now and i dont want to horrify the kids :you

so i suggested that you two watch over them and he said that was ok :you

blanketboy: wht abt u ber

 well obviously im going to watch them too :you

 ive got nothing better to do tomorrow :you

Yahoo!: OK. Is this a valid excuse to go to bed early? Those kids are tiring Bernice

yeah sure :you

wait. yahoo its 1 in the afternoon :you

yahoo :you

yahoo get back here :you

blanketboy: ive nver met chass kids bfroe. r they nce?

yeah cara and grayson are really nice. youll like them blank :you

yahoogameplays i will spam you in priv :you

Yahoo!: Im still up. I can charge and talk at the same time

Yahoo!: It just took a bit to hook up my charger

Yahoo!: So when are they getting here?

5 tomorrow morning :you

Yahoo!: Yeah Im going into sleep mode now

YAHOO :you

blanketboy: why r thy comin ovr that erly?

chase scheduled his flight for around that time :you

its a good thing he lives like right by the airport :you

ok im sure that chasell give us an instruction booklet or something for his kids tomorrow so for now just chill out i guess :you

and blank i am ordering you to go to sleep by 7 :you

blanketboy: ur givng me a curfew?? thts not nce ber

would you like for me to ask mike for a sedative instead :you

blanketboy: nvm then

Chapter Text

7:23 am

@everyone HEWP HEWP HEWP :you

NO LIKE SERIOUSLY HELP :you

darkiplier: It’s always something in this God-forsaken house

darkiplier: And I am not dealing with it, for once. @shut up NURSE

shut up NURSE: Is this an actual medical emergency Bim? Its not just a papercut or something right?

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

(▶︎ VIEW PHOTO) :you

shut up NURSE: Yeah thats not a medical emergency per se. 

shut up NURSE: @sk8ter bruh You can handle this

sk8ter bruh: what am i handling

sk8ter bruh: oh

sk8ter bruh: bim what the **** is all that

YOU TELL ME :you

sk8ter bruh: wait it looks like one of my prototype squarebots but. i have them all locked up

shut up NURSE: Care to elaborate?

DO NOT ELABORATE JUST TELL ME HOW TO GET IT OFF :you

sk8ter bruh: you just push the little orange button on the top bruh

WHIHCH FUCKING ORANFE BUTTON?????? :you

sk8ter bruh: the one on the top

WHICH WAYS THE TOP :you

shut up NURSE: Bing you might as well just go over there

sk8ter bruh: youre right

sk8ter bruh: hold on bim

sk8ter bruh: you ****ing idiot

shut up NURSE: Let me know when that thing is detached from Bim. Im highly curious as to what it is and what it does

7:27 am

sk8ter bruh: done

took you long enough :you

sk8ter bruh: a ‘thank you’ would be nice ****head

shut up NURSE: So Bing what was that thing?

sk8ter bruh: a squarebot! i made them to do little tasks that would waste my battery if i did them

sk8ter bruh: you just push a certain button to turn them on and then push another button for it to do something

sk8ter bruh: some of the things i programmed for them are vacuuming, sorting little things like screws, that kind of stuff

sk8ter bruh: i made lots of them so that they can team up on tasks if they need to

sk8ter bruh: they even stack if they cant reach something! theyve got little indents on one side so if they tip over onto another squarebot they click and stack together

shut up NURSE: Bing thats very cool

sk8ter bruh: thanks doc

ok thats nice and all but why did this one attack me :you

sk8ter bruh: well bim what were you doing before

i was in the kitchen and it just kind of scooted around the floor towards me :you

i picked it up to look at it bc ive never seen anything like it before and it kind of turned red :you

and then it just started crawling all over me and jabbing me with its legs :you

sk8ter bruh: that would be its defense mechanism

now how was i supposed to know about that???? :you

sk8ter bruh: you couldve just taken pictures of it instead of picking it up

im sorry that i was too curious to think about that :you

sk8ter bruh: bim apologizing? isnt that rich

bing being able to use slang terms correctly? isnt that rich :you

sk8ter bruh: ok that was uncalled for dude

sk8ter bruh: i only mess them up about 47.34% of the time

you need to make sure those bots are back in the workshop :you

sk8ter bruh: why? they werent doing anything bad

i know but what if someone else picks them up :you

sk8ter bruh: everyone else knows not to do that bruh

sk8ter bruh: im pretty sure their bright orange light is a dead giveaway as to who made them. nobodys gonna touch them i promise

if someone chucks them into the backyard it wont be my fault :you

sk8ter bruh: you know im technically older than you

what does that have to do with anything :you

sk8ter bruh: idk dude it just kinda seems like youve been acting your age lately

sk8ter bruh: show some respect for your elders /hj

ive been acting my age? youre one to talk bing :you

and anyway why should i respect someone who has an intel core i3 processor for a brain :you

you know youre pretty clumsy for a robot? im surprised those little bots you made could even function properly :you

oh boy youve gone dark :you

is it too much to hope for that youve shut down :you

12:04 am

priv chat with SQUAREBOT_settings_coms

hey Squarebot :you

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: Good morning user:Bing! How can I help?

add new action :you

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: Sure thing! 

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: What should I name this action?

self destruct :you

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: Sure thing! 

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: What should I do during action:self_destruct?

hard_drive:wipe , memory:wipe , base_data:wipe , user_data:wipe :you

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: Sure thing! 

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: That’s a lot of commands! Are you sure you want me to

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: Uh oh! These commands may revert your Squarebot back to factory settings or equivalent. Are you sure you want me to add them to action:self_destruct?

y :you

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: Sure thing! 

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: action:self_destruct is ready to be used!

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: action:self_destruct can be changed anytime! Just tell me to ‘change action:self_destruct’.

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: Is there anything else I can help you with?

... :you

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: I’m sorry, I couldn’t find anything related to …. 

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: Is there anything else I can help you with?

action:self_destruct :you

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: Sure thing!

12:16 am

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: Hi! I’m Squarebot! Let’s get you set up!

SQUAREBOT_settings_coms: What would you like me to call you?

Chapter Text

3:24 am

do any of u know how to work a toastr :you

supermarketspiderman: anti what

chase daniels: i think a more important question is why is he up at 3 in the morning asking this question

why are U up at 3 am chase :you

chase daniels: thats fair

supermarketspiderman: anti how old are you? Just curious

techniclly like. 5. :you

supermarketspiderman: thats a funny joke anti ahahaha /s

supermarketspiderman: seriously how do you not know how to use a toaster

im tellin u im only 5!! i never learned how :you

supermarketspiderman: ?? arent you a centuries old demon or something

?????? no??? who did u here that from??/??? :you

supermarketspiderman: idk i just assumed that

well your wrong bc i dont remmber a damn thing bfore i arrived :you

pussy talented it does card tricks: Can all of you shut up please I’m trying to sleep

supermarketspiderman: marv anti doesnt know how to use a toaster

pussy talented it does card tricks: That’s a personal problem that can be solved later

pussy talented it does card tricks: Preferably after 9 am

i wanted toast now tho. not at 9 :you

supermarketspiderman: marv can you help him then im on the clock

pussy talented it does card tricks: You’re WORKING right now?? Why are you in the group chat then????

supermarketspiderman: bored

chase daniels: understandable

pussy talented it does card tricks: You know what fine. If gets everyone to be quiet for another four hours then fine

whoop whoop :you

supermarketspiderman: thanks marv youre a lifesaver

pussy talented it does card tricks: Sure I am

11:46 am

priv chat with darkiplier

Hey Dark I had a question for you :you

Actually I might have a couple of questions :you

darkiplier: Go on, then, Marvin, I don’t have all day.

Ok you have that big book of knowledge on us right? Is it possible I could maybe borrow that :you

darkiplier: What were you planning on using it for?

Ok it’s. Complicated. I think :you

I wanted to see what Anti’s backstory was :you

There’s a few misconceptions in our house right now and I wanted to know the truth :you

darkiplier: I’m positive that you have an ulterior motive for obtaining this book.

No I swear it’s just that. :you

darkiplier: That proper punctuation makes me further suspicious…

Look if you’re dead set on keeping that book then just send me what it says. Word for word :you

darkiplier: Alright. Give me a moment, then.

Sure :you

Read 11:51 am

12:17 am

priv chat with darkiplier

Dark it’s been more than a moment :you

darkiplier: My apologies, I got distracted. Someone has let the squirrels out of their dome for the third time this week. 

darkiplier: (▶︎ VIEW PHOTO)

Dark there’s no way I can read that. It’s too dark. :you

darkiplier: Hold on.

skjdgfhkh I could hear your sigh through the phone :you

darkiplier: “Antisepticeye does not have a backstory. Amnesia has been ruled out; he has no memories of life before his Arrival and thus cannot possibly have existed before becoming an ego.”

darkiplier: Does that answer any questions?

Oh. Ok. Alright. :you

He was not joking when he said he was five :you

darkiplier: Unsurprising.

Well thanks Dark :you

Also you need to come over soon. Robbie wants to see Diva sometime and we went and got dog treats for her. Again. :you

darkiplier: You’re welcome, Marvin. And I’ll see what I can do. 

Read 12:21 am

12:26 am

priv chat with darkiplier

darkiplier: Marvin.

darkiplier: Marvin, are you available right now, actually? I would prefer to get my visit out of the way as soon as possible.

Someone let out the squirrels again didn’t they :you

darkiplier: I would rather not answer that question.

Chapter Text

10:32 am

i got big ass eyebrows: Micheal GamePlays I’m going to murder you in front of everyone

i got big ass eyebrows: I’m going to host a dinner party and make everyone watch as I fucking kill you

fedUPSwithyourshit: OK alright no need to be violent in the main chat room ber

fedUPSwithyourshit: Whats your problem now

i got big ass eyebrows: My PROBLEM is that MICHEAL had borrowed AT LEAST FIVE of my hair ties and hasn't given a SINGLE one back

i got big ass eyebrows: What do you have to say for yourself Micheal

fedUPSwithyourshit: Ber its not our fault that our hair is longer now ok

fedUPSwithyourshit: No one was prepared for this

fedUPSwithyourshit: Maybe hes just saving them in case he needs them again

i am def not doing that :you

i got big ass eyebrows: I’m going to find one of those missing hair ties and strangle you with it

preistsh: I agree with Post’s earlier statement, can we keep violence out of the family chat room please?

i got big ass eyebrows: Oops sorry Father

preistsh: Thank you! :D

10:36 am

priv chat with i got big ass eyebrows

i got big ass eyebrows: Micheal GamePlays I’m going to murder you in front of everyone

ok can you chill out for a sec :you

i got big ass eyebrows: I will not chill out actually

i got big ass eyebrows: Those are nice hair ties

you have enough to spare for me so :you

i think youll be ok ber :you

i got big ass eyebrows: OK you know what Mike I’m just going to cut straight to the point

i got big ass eyebrows: This is no longer just about my hair ties

i got big ass eyebrows: Which, don’t get me wrong, I’m still mad about that, but there’s more important things to pester you about

?? like?? :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Like why you’ve been holed up in your room for the past month

idk what you mean ber :you

i got big ass eyebrows: You know exactly what I mean actually

no i dont :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Yes you do

no i dont :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Yes, you do

no i dont :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Yes you do, Mike

no i dont :you

i got big ass eyebrows: FINE

i got big ass eyebrows: I seriously have to explain this to you??? Really????

.. :you

yes :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Mike you haven’t come out to eat dinner for the past month

i got big ass eyebrows: You don’t talk to anyone verbally if they ask you questions

i got big ass eyebrows: You’re really pale. Like, paler than Blank. And that’s saying something

i got big ass eyebrows: And whatever happened to your dogs? Cookie and Cream? Aren’t they supposed to be your responsibility?

i got big ass eyebrows: I’m pretty sure I told you that if we were going to keep them that you needed to be their primary caregiver or whatever.

ber :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Come to think of it I haven’t seen either of them in a while either

i got big ass eyebrows: Well. Now I look irresponsible.

ber :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Oh.

i got big ass eyebrows: Mike

i got big ass eyebrows: Mike what happened to them

i got big ass eyebrows: Mike please don’t go dark I’m genuinely worried

i got big ass eyebrows: Whatever happened to them I’m sure we can fix it

you cant fix fading ber :you

i got big ass eyebrows: What do you mean? Didn’t you adopt them?

i got big ass eyebrows: From an actual shelter?

i got big ass eyebrows: They can’t Fade if they never Arrived

i might have lied to you :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Mike.

i got big ass eyebrows: MIKE

i know it was a big thing to lie about and i shouldntve done that and im sorry :you

im really really sorry :you

really :you

i got big ass eyebrows: You don’t need to say sorry and I wasn’t going to harp on you about that

i got big ass eyebrows: I just wanted to know if you were OK, Mike

i got big ass eyebrows: Do you want me to call you or something? Would talking help?

i think you :you

im pretty sure the answers obvious :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Yeah

i got big ass eyebrows: Do you want brownies?

are you serious right now :you

my dogs fucking died and you want to know if i want brownies :you

i got big ass eyebrows: I’m trying my best to help you feel better dipshit

asshole :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Bitch

jackass :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Moron

cutting board :you

i got big ass eyebrows: ???

youre flat as hell :you

i got big ass eyebrows: OK you got me

i got big ass eyebrows: ..

i got big ass eyebrows: Are you sure you don’t want brownies?

i guess i could take one :you

did mrs t make them :you

i got big ass eyebrows: No Yahoo did. He’s trying out a new recipe

throw them directly in the trash then :you

i got big ass eyebrows: That’s not very nice

your MOMS not very nice :you

i got big ass eyebrows: You know what fine, I’ll just leave you alone then

i got big ass eyebrows: Mean people don’t get half baked brownies

why are they half baked??? :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Yahoo doesn’t know how to work the oven

isnt he an android with access to the internet :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Yes

i def dont want any then :you

i got big ass eyebrows: Your loss

you can still stop by my room tho :you

if you want :you

i got big ass eyebrows: OK

do you still want to strangle me in front of everyone :you

i got big ass eyebrows: You know it was a joke dude