Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Katherine knew what was happening. It was always the same. No matter how many times she woke up, no matter how many happy memories she made, it always came back to this. To them. A large hand grasped at her petite wrists with a grip that would guarantee a bruise. She was dragged into the bedroom. Today was Thomas. She hated Thomas the most. He was the one she trusted, and now she was here, pinned underneath him, and no matter how much she struggled or screamed, there was nothing she could do to stop what was coming. She felt everything, heard every breath, every muttered word and slur as she cried below him.

Even after he had finished, the others weren’t. No matter how many times they used her, no matter how many bruises or bite marks littered her body, they were never satisfied. Mannox, then Francis and Henry, each of them took their turns. By the end of it, Katherine was left broken, just as she was every other night.

She awoke to a tear-stained pillow. Even in the waking world, she could feel their hands searing and marking the most intimate parts of her body and their breaths hitting the shell of her ear, just like every other night. And like every other night, she did the only thing she knew how to do (according to all the men). She cried.

~

It was 6 months after they had all been reincarnated before anybody noticed what was going on. They had all agreed to not search up each other’s lives. While everybody was curious about young Katherine Howard, she never spoke a word about her past and they were not going to break that vow just to quench their curiosity.

It was the dead of night, Cathy was on her laptop, typing away once again at an ungodly hour. She reached for her cup of coffee. Even if it was cold, it should give her enough of a boost to power through this last chapter. She tipped her head back, waiting for the bitter taste to wash over her tongue only to be met with the disappointing taste of nothing. She grunted. Just one more cup, and then she would settle down for the night. The blue queen stumbled down the dark hallway, only to stop in front of the door with a sign ‘Kitty’s room!’ with a little cat face drawn on either side of the text. From the other side of the door, she could her sniffling and the occasional sob and whimper. Coffee long forgotten; she gently tapped the edge of the doorframe. Just in case she’s asleep and I’m hearing things.

“Kitty?” she whispered.

The room went quiet.

Cathy knocked again.

“Kitty?” she called again, slightly louder.

She stood for another minute, tapping her foot anxiously on the floor. She sighed before cracking open the door. She peaked in, spotting kitty wrapped in her pink weighted blanket, shivering. “Oh kitty,” she cooed softly, making her way to the bed. “Kit, what’s wrong?”. From this close, Cathy could hear Kitty’s soft sniffles and whimpers. “Kit Kat?”. Kitty whimpered louder and backed up further away, pressing herself up against the head of her bed and wrapped her blanket tighter around her shaking body. She glanced up at Cathy, her eyes wide and glassy with tears streaming freely down her face. Her face was red and puffy as she stared at her fellow queen with such terror that Cathy could feel her heart breaking at the pitiful sight.

Cathy messed up. She messed up terribly.

Lost, Cathy reached out and brushed her hand along Kat’s back in an attempt to calm her down. A scream pierced her ears, and she withdrew immediately. Even when she had pulled back and leapt off the bed, Kitty continued to scream, thrashing around and clawing at her skin. Footsteps pounded in the hallway as the other queens came rushing in.

“What happened?” Catalina demanded, immediately making a beeline for the bed, the others following close behind.

Catherine stared at her godmother with large, fearful eyes, the guilt written clearly all over her face.

“I-I heard her crying, and I came in and,” her breath hitched, her eyes starting to burn “and I went to comfort her, and I touched her shoulder and…” she mimicked the motion on her own shoulders as she explained before gesturing back over to the thrashing queen behind her.

~

Kitty’s screams grew quieter and quieter as voice became hoarser and drier, soon reduced down to nothing but a stream of whimpers and chorus of sobs. Upon seeing that she was surrounded, kat curled further into herself, trying to make herself as small as possible, a hand clasped over her mouth in a futile attempt to muffle her sobs. Her throat was dry and sore, and she could taste the familiar tang of blood in her mouth. She could hear the pounding in her ears clear as day but even though she could see their lips moving, she couldn’t make out what anybody else was saying.

Her lungs hurt; she couldn’t breathe. She flinched and jolted away as she felt the mattress dip next to her. No No NO NO

“no..” she croaked out, shifting as far away from the weight as possible, her weight lurching as she slipped off the bed. She opened her mouth to scream again. A hand gripped her wrist. NO! she pulled her hardest, but it was useless. She was dragged onto the bed again. Accepting what was happening, she closed her eyes and went limp like a ragdoll. She waited. And she waited, but nothing happened. Cautiously, she opened her eyes just a crack, only to be met with a group of worried faces.

“Kätzchen, you’re ok, you were about to fall off,” a calming voice explained. It took Katherine a solid minute to process to the words. She glanced around the room once more, surveying everybody. Her face burned with embarrassment, shame and fear. She woke everybody up because of a stupid nightmare. They wouldn’t want her anymore; she was just an inconvenience. Just like everybody else, they were bound to leave her as soon as she messed up. A ball of dread formed in her stomach. Just like now. She should probably just start packing, spare the yelling. She made way to get off the bed, but she was interrupted by a gag. Then another. The bile burned its way up her throat. She clapped a hand over her mouth in an attempt to catch as much of the oncoming puke as possible.

She was not successful.

At all.

Immediately, it overflowed from her tiny hand, through the sides and seeping through her fingers.

“Oh my gosh! Kit! Are you ok? Shit, fuck...” Anne leapt into action, racing downstairs and returning with a glass of water. “Here. Drink.”. She offered the cup to her younger cousin.

With shaking hands, Kat took the water, giving Anne a small smile as she chugged it all down. When the cup was empty, Anne took it once more and sat it on the side table. “Ok Kitty Kat, is it ok if I touch you?” Kat thought for a moment; then she gave a hesitant nod. Slowly, Anne sat down on the bed, making sure that her baby cousin could watch her every move to avoid her getting scared. She opened up her arms. Upon seeing the offer, Kit immediately jumped into Boleyn’s arms, burying her face in her neck, her tears starting a new.

Anne whispered sweet reassurances into her ear as she rubbed a hand up and down her back. When Kat’s crying finally ceased and she could breathe properly, she lifted her head and surveyed her situation. All of the other queens were standing or sitting around her room. Lina and Jane stood vigilant at the foot of her bed, Cathy sat at her desk and Anna sat on her desk. Her eyes wandered to the bed, only to be met with a mess of vomit and tissues (The others must have tried to clean it up before she guesses). Then she looks up at Anne and two pieces click together. She jolted out of Anne’s arms, two patches of wetness adorned her shirt, one of tears and one of- “Oh god, Anne I’m so sorry- I didn’t mean to” her voice was quiet and croaky, still raw from her screams earlier that night (morning? Who knew, they were all too focused on Kat).

“Shh, babes, it’s fine honestly.” Anne reassured her, taking her hand in her own gently and rubbing small circles over Kat’s knuckles with her thumb.

“I made a mess…”

“It’s fine. Now, do you wanna tell your favorite big cousin what’s wrong.” Kat looked back up at her with those dull, fearful eyes.

“Very sure about yourself, how do you know Jane’s not my favorite?” she jested weakly, shooting the mentioned queen a small smile. Jane returned the smile with a big of a grin she could manage. Afterall, she was still panicking and confused for Kitty.

“Ok, rude. But that aside, seriously Kitty kat, what’s got you so worked up”

“You don’t have to tell us if you don’t want to,” Jane chimed, making her way over to the bed. She placed a hand on Kits knee gently. Kat flinched away violently but her knee stayed in place. She was contorted in a way that was surely not to be comfortable, the rest of her body as far away from Jane as possible while her knee remained frozen in place. Jane jumped back, apologizing profusely.

“’s fine…” kat mumbled, visibly relaxing once she was no longer being touched, “I’m sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me,” she tried her best to giggle but it came out more like a sad huff. “I just had a nightmare.”

Anne’s free hand flew up to her neck, pity written all over her face, “They are awful, aren’t they?”

Kat stared at her cousin in confusion for a second. Oh, she thinks it’s a beheading nightmare. “I-yeah, but it’s not- never mind, it’s stupid.”

“Kitty, if it made you this upset, it’s not stupid.”

“Yes, it is, it was my fault anyway, I shouldn’t be complaining. I’m just too sensitive,”

“Kat, what are you talking about? Also: no, you’re not too sensitive, if It makes you this upset, it’s gotta be pretty bad.”

Kat withdrew her hand from Anne’s grip and curled up, resting her head behind her knees. She drew in a deep breath, then released a shuddering one. She repeated the action until her breathing was steady. The others watched in silence, afraid of saying anything in case they scared the timid girl off. Finally, after about 3 minutes, she lifted her head.

Anna took initiative this time. Making Kitty could see her, she shuffled closer to the bed. “Kätzchen, is it that?” Kat tensed up. Wait- what? Did Anna know? Oh, that’s right, I ranted to her in our past life… She answered with a miniscule nod. Anna sighed, not disappointed in Kitty. She wasn’t and never would be disappointed in her. Instead, it was more of a ‘Those damn bastards, at least I know the cause now’ sigh.

“What are you talking about?” Lina queried, glancing between Kat and Anna. The German queen shot a questioning look at Kitty. The trembling queen creased her brow in thought before nodding.

“Her last life she had some, not so pleasant experiences,” She looked over at Kat, not quite sure how much of her past she was ready to share. Kitty nodded at her once again, prompting her to continue, “with some men.”

“wait- as in,” Anne nodded her head to gesture ‘down’, horror written over her face. Kitty simply nodded once again, not trusting herself to talk. Audible gasps went around the room. She had only been 19 when she died- already so young, just a child. Who could do that? (aside from Henry of course). Of course, they all knew the horrible truth. That back then, it was just how the men were, and Katherine was a pretty young thing.

“Please tell me it was at least when you were older?” Anne begged. Not that Kitty ever had the chance to get older but god, she hoped she hadn’t been a literal child.

Kat shook her head, beginning to shake more violently again.

Anne watched her baby cousin curl up into herself. The anger bubbled deep within her. Focus on helping her right now, she scolded herself. “H-how old were you?”

“Thirteen,” it was barely above a whisper, but Anne heard. She heard how broken her usually beaming Kitty sounded, how tired and scared she was. And she hated it. She hated whoever had done this. And she hated that Kat blamed herself.

“Kit, it wasn’t your fault,” her voice was firm, if a bit shaky as tears pricked the corners of her eyes. They weren’t sad tears; she knew Kat would hate if anybody pitied her to that degree. No, they were tears of anger.

“was- I di-” Kat was cut off by a soft sob, “I didn’t say no.”

“But did you want it?”

“No, yes? I- I don’t know. I asked him to st-stop a couple of times, but he just called me a tease.”

Anne pursed her lips. Kitty looked just about ready to have another breakdown. Cathy, it seemed, took notice. “Guys, we can talk about this later, I don’t think Kat is in the right mental state to talk about it right now,” she gestured to the pink queen to justify herself. She received sounds of agreement from each of the women in the room. “Kitty, you look tired, do you wanna go back to sleep?”

“NO!” the aforementioned queen had begun hyperventilating, tears racing down her face once again. If she went back to sleep, she went back to them.

“Ok. Ok that’s ok, how about we just watch a movie then?”

Kitty gave a small nod.

Cathy escorted her downstairs to the living room to pick a movie while everyone else scattered to gather blankets, pillows and snacks. Kat ultimately decided on her favorite movie, ‘Cats’, much to everybody’s dismay, though considering what had gone down that night, nobody complained. Lina and Anna came down the stairs, hauling an absurd number of pillows, the perfect amount according to the beheaded cousins. Jane walked in not too long after with 3 bowls of popcorn and drinks. After setting up the pillows on the floor and couch, everybody settled down. Cathy, Kat and Anna were huddled together on one the couches, Jane and Lina were on the other and Anne was… nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Annie?”

“I don’t know, I just asked her to grab the blankets,” Lina shrugged.

Suddenly, there was a loud crash from upstairs.

“IM OK!” Anne called down. A minute later, she came stumbling down the stairs, craning her neck around a mountain of blankets. She waddled over to the living room where she dumped all of them onto the floor.

“Ok.” She clapped her hands together and grinned. “Kats got her pink weighted one,” she chucked the blanket at kat who gave a weak squeal of protest (her throat was still sore from earlier that night). “Jane and her absurdly fluffy white one,” she pegged the blanket towards Jane who reacted far to slow and was hit square in the face. “Lina and her fancy one,” she made to chuck it, but the Spanish queen leapt out of the chair before she had the chance and snatched her blanket from Anne’s grip. Anne chuckled before continuing “Cathy’s crocheted one and Anna’s plain one. Seriously, we need to get you a better blanket.” She proceeded to throw the blankets at the corresponding queens. Underneath Anne’s super plush green blanket, there was still a pile of something.

“Anne, what’s under there?” Catalina asked, her suspicion clear.

The gremlin smirked, lifting her blanket to reveal an army of stuffies. Kat’s eyes lit up at the sight of her whole collection. Ordinarily, Lina would have reprimanded Anne for bringing down unnecessary things but seeing Kitty so happy, she resigned to simply shooting Anne a soft glare. Anne returned her look with a smug grin as Kitty wriggled off of the couch to scoop up as many of her stuffed animals as she could before returning to the couch and melting between Anna, Cathy and her stuffies. Anne smiled at the sight. There were still a few left on the ground so she picked them up along with her blanket and made way onto the couch with Lina and her other cousin. She settled under the blanket with the animals. She sent a smirk towards Kat, who returned it whole-heartedly.

In her defense, Kat started it. About half an hour into the movie, Anne and Kat began exchanging plushies in a less than conventional way. In other words, they were having a plushie fight. Both unbothered to move, the only shelter they had was their blanket and the fellow queens who were caught in the crossfire. Anne paused mid throw as Kitty yawned and snuggled a bit further into her blanket. She blinked a couple of times before passing out cold.

Anne wasn’t surprised, after the night that they had had, she was waiting for Kat to fall asleep, hopefully free of nightmares. The other queens took notice of Kat’s sleeping form and settled in, all of them more at ease then they had been all night after watching her and Anne’s antics. They all settled down to sleep, cuddled up against each other (much to Linas annoyance since Anne took it upon herself to lie on top of her). Anne glanced one last time at Kitty.

They would get through this together, just like they always did.

(Lina ended up shoving Anne off of her after she had fallen asleep, and being the heavy sleeper that she is, Anne didn’t even notice.)

Chapter Text

For the first time since they had come back, Katherine Howard managed a long, nightmare free sleep. She blinked her eyes drearily as she woke up, feeling better than she had in a long time. She was warm, too warm. She felt somebody shift behind her. No no no no no. She scrambled as quickly as she could off of the couch, her breathing ragged, ears pounding and eyes stinging. However, her sleep lagged body couldn’t keep up. Kat tripped over her feet, crashing to the ground. Her fall was broken by the mass of stuffed animals that littered the floor after her and Anne’s fight last night.

Cathy was up and on it immediately. She had woken up when Kat had stirred and jumped off the couch. She shot up from her lying position and cooed out softly to the skittish queen on the floor, “Kitty, it’s alright, it’s just us. Are you ok?”. The survivor slid off of the couch and made her way over to the pink mass on the floor, crouching down to eye level. “Can I touch you?” Kat answered with a soft hum and a nod. “Ok, cool. Can I pick you up?” Kat nodded again. Gently, Cathy scooped Kat up and deposited her back on the couch, next to Anna’s still sleeping form. She looked up to the other couch, finding Jane and her Godmother awake and smiling softly at the scene before them. Well, they smiled until they saw the mess on the floor. Oh, Anne is so screwed when she wakes up.

“Good morning,” Jane chimed, standing up and walking over to the couch which inhabited the last 3 queens. “Did you get hurt Kat?” Kat shook her head.

“N-no I’m ok. Sorry, I’ve been such a nuisance. I kept you guys up so late last night and it was something stupid- god I’m so sor-” Kit rambled, tripping over her words with her head hung low with shame.

“Kit, it’s fine honestly. Now, what do you think of pancakes for breakfast?”

Kat perked up noticeably at the mention of pancakes, though her curled posture gave away how guilty she felt for keeping the other queens up so late last night. Jane smiled kindly at seeing Kitty’s reaction to the suggested breakfast item. Humming softly, she pivoted on her heel and made for the kitchen.

Soon, the sweet scent of Jane’s signature oat pancakes wafted through the air. Anne stirred awake, blinking her eyes slowly as she registered what was going on. “Is that...” She audibly sniffed the air, earning a soft snicker from Kit, “PANCAKES?!”. The green queen’s holler awoke the remaining sleeping queens. Anna groaned, feeling around. She found a stuffie, left over from last night and promptly pegged it an Anne in retaliation to her sleep being so rudely disturbed. Lina on the other hand, settled for simply kicking Anne as hard as she could in her sleep lagged state.

“This is ABUSE! ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS!!” Anne declared dramatically, a hand held to her head. The other queens chuckled, even Jane could be heard softly laughing at Anne’s joke. Sure, they all had their share of abusive relationships (*cough cough* Henry *cough cough*) but they could appreciate the joke. Well, most of them. Kat chuckled shakily with them, stiffening up slightly. Usually, she didn’t mind these kinds of jokes. Hell, she made them sometimes but she was still on edge from last night, and much on her guilty conscious, waking up with another person (even if it was just Cathy and Anna).

Cathy took notice, nudging her softly and whispering into her ear, “you ok kitten?”.

Kit flinched at the sudden contact, sucking in a quick breath as she nodded stiffly. Cathy- ever observant, noticed once again that Kat was clearly uncomfortable and pulled away.

“Shit- sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Are you ok?”

God damn it, why was she so stupid?! She could tell when Kit was uncomfortable but kept doing things that triggered her.

Her throat to tensed up and dry to articulate any words, Kat simply nodded. An awkward silence settled over the everybody as the other queens took note of the interaction. They sat for a solid 5 minutes before a delicious sent swept through the house and a call came from the kitchen. “Breakfast’s ready!” Anne grinned and raced over to the kitchen at top speed. Anna giggled before launching after her. Lina and Cathy rolled their eyes as they made their way to the kitchen like normal people. Kat lagged behind the others- a mix of exhaustion, fatigue, and guilt rendering her unable and unwilling to catch up to everybody. She worried her bottom lip as she walked cross armed to the kitchen. By the time she arrived, everybody was seated with a stack of pancakes dished up in front of them. All eyes were on Kat as the queens watched her make her way to her seat. She could feel their stares on her.

A knot of anxiety formed in her gut as she sat down. Her limbs felt like lead and she barely had the energy to look up, not that she particularly wanted to. Despite everybody having their pancakes in front of them, nobody made a move to start eating. They all just stared at Kitty. God, they kept looking at her and she hated it. She curled up into herself as much as she could in a sitting position. Kat wanted the ground to open up and swallow her. She hated that everybody was looking her- despised it- but she couldn’t say anything. Eventually, Cathy got up and cleared her throat, excusing herself to make some coffee. They were waiting for her to say or do something, but she couldn’t. Her heard did twist and turns and felt like it was being constricted. Her brain spun and spun, trying to think of something to do so that the others would stop looking at her. Slowly, she picked up her fork and took a nibble out of her pancake.

Anne, taking this as a sign to start- essentially inhaled her plate at an impossible rate. Everybody else just scoffed at Anne’s piggish ways and began going to town on their own. Well, all of them but Kat.

She couldn’t bring herself to eat. She just nibbled at her pancakes before pushing them away, only half eaten. Jane looked at her plate with a worried expression. “Do you want me to make something else for you Kitty?”

Guilt washed over Kat. Jane thought she didn’t like it. God- she was such a damn baby. Why couldn’t she just look after herself and then Jane wouldn’t have to worry about accommodating her. Thoughts circled around her mind. She could feel the bile rising in her throat. She shook her head jerkily. She reached for her cup of water, chugging it down, forcing the bile away. The guilt gnawed at her gut, making her want to curl up and cry and never see anyone again. The queens do so much for her, and she does nothing, they don’t even know what’s wrong. She was selfish. So, so selfish. The water helped clear her throat. Maybe she would be able to talk now.

“S-sorry,” she croaked out in a tiny and honestly, quite pathetic voice. She wanted to slap herself. She was always so pathetic, so weak. That’s why she ended up like this. If she had just been stronger if she had said ‘no’ maybe…maybe...

“Whatever for Kit?” Jane’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts

“You guys do so much for me, and I just sit here and feel terrible and do nothing. I don’t even have the decency to tell you what’s wrong...” She spoke not even above her whisper to prevent her voice from cracking and betraying her again. She could feel her eyes getting wet again. Pathetic. All she did was cry. No wonder nobody wanted her. She was so damn annoying.

“Babes, it’s fine, honestly. You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t wanna. And we help you because we care for you and you worry us.” Anne reassured. Kit met her eyes, seeing nothing but genuine worry. Not like them. Not like Him. They wouldn’t trick her. Right?

“I should tell you what’s wrong,” The pink queen decided. A sense of small relief washed over her. She had been meaning to for a while- honest! But she was such a damn scaredy-cat but after everybody had dropped everything for her last night, they deserved to know. So, she would tell them. But even her relief at finally being able to tell the queens what was wrong wasn’t enough to stave off the horrid dread twisting in her gut.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to love,” The queens seemed to be letting the cousins do all of the talking. They only care because their related to you, the others don’t wanna deal with you. But even a family’s love could be lost and broken. Kat knew all too well.

Kit flinched a bit at ‘love’, but she reminded herself that it was just Jane. She was safe and nobody here wanted to use her. Probably. Maybe.

“N-no- it’s ok. I want to,” The queens nodded in understanding.

“How about we head back out to the living room? It will probably be better to do it somewhere comfy rather than the kitchen table,” Lina piped in.

Nods of agreement went around the table. Leaving their plates and cutlery, they all made for the living room once more. Sure, it would be super annoying and probably gross to clean up later, but Kit was more important. They all settled into the same couches as last night. All except for Kat. Instead, she settled in an armchair. She fiddled nervously, finding her fingers very interesting. She was scared. What if everybody hated her. She was just a whore after all. She wanted it. She brought her death upon herself. If she hadn’t been so stupid and such a slut, she may have gotten away with her head. Her thoughts began to spiral again. She didn’t notice how her breathing quickened or how she wrapped her arms around herself as she worried her bottom lip.

“Kitty?” Cathy’s voice broke through the fog of thoughts that ran rampant in her head. She gulped.

“Right, sorry,” She took a deep breath, air rushing in and searing her lungs. She took a second to prepare before diving in and unleashing the horrors of her childhood.

“Wh-when I was thirteen, I used to have music lessons. My teacher was nice enough, he was sweet, and he understood me. He taught me to play the lute and virginal.” She swallowed, “After a while, he started touching me- nothing big!” she justified quickly, shaking her hands for emphasis. “Just, you know...” she trailed off, miming hands over her chest and skimming her thighs.

Quiet gasps of horror and injustice filled the room. She was a CHILD.

“I-I know I should have stopped him, told him ‘No’, but he made me feel so special and grown up and he really loved me! He told me so!”

He did, right? He loved her so much that it hurt him not to touch her. That’s what he had always told her. Why she had allowed it. She took a second to breathe before moving on. Well trying to.

“Kat, it wasn’t your fault”, it took Katherine a second to connect the voice to a face. Jane. She smiled up at her weakly. She knew that it was though. Everything was always her fault.

The other queens just stared at her- no doubt shell-shocked. She chuckled bitterly at the thought. Kat scanned everyone’s faces. Lina looked angry. So angry. Dread welled in Kat’s stomach again. Lina was mad at her. She moved on quickly.

Anne looked angry too, but when she caught Kat’s eye, her expression softened, morphing into more pity than anything. That made Kat feel worse. Anne was angry at her too, but she wouldn’t tell Kat.

Jane looked sad, so did Anna and Cathy. They looked sad. Kat didn’t know what she preferred. The angry looks of Lina and Anne or the pitying ones from Jane, Anna, and Cathy.

Kat started trembling again, clasping her left hand in her right to try and control it. She could feel her eyes start to sting with tears again, and her throat clog up. She tried to breathe again. She took a deep breath in in preparation to go onto Francis. But instead, all that came out was a choked sob. She hated crying in front of people. Nobody liked it when she cried in front of them.

“Kitty, if you’re not ready to talk about it, that’s ok,” Cathy cooed. Kat just kept trembling. She sat, curled in on herself, trembling while memories of her past life replayed in her head, looping on the most painful parts that made her wanna hurl. She could feel the bile coming up again as phantom hands slithered up her thighs. Dammit. She was so damn pathetic. She opened her mouth, but no sound came out. It was like her throat had been clogged up by something. She choked down a sob.

“Kat! Kat, hey, Kitty, can you hear me?” Kat’s brain was too muddled and fuzzy to make out the voice.

Kat had always run away from her problems. And this time was no different. She needed to get away from what was making her feel bad. She needed to get out of the living room and away from the others.

“Kat!”

She bolted up from her chair and dashed upstairs, shutting herself in her room and curling up on her bed.

Chapter Text

Katherine lay, curled up on her bed. A patch of vomit stained the center, as well as a decent portion of her floor. The room was still filled with the stench of last night, but she was too exhausted to care. She was still trembling and hyperventilating. She yanked at her hair, trying to use the sensation to ground herself. Her mind was still fuzzy and whirling with thoughts, but she couldn’t focus in on any of them.

A soft knock at her door dragged her from out of her head.

“Love?”

She flinched at the word. Logically, she knew it was Jane. She knew she was safe, but she was still so on edge that any reminders of her past life sent her reeling.

“Love, can I come in?”

Kat didn’t have it in her to respond. She shifted positions so that she could watch the door. Her vision was a bit fuzzy, probably from the tears. It creaked open slowly. A form stood in the doorway. Kat could tell it was Jane from when she had called her and by how she was standing. Jane tended to stand rigid, fully at attention in the middle of the doorway with her foot tapping lightly, whenever she was concerned about someone.

Kat blinked a couple times to clear her vision. She saw Jane recoil a bit at the sight and smell of the previous night’s vomit. There was a patch on the bed and a larger one on the floor next to it, covered in tissues from the attempt to clean it up the night before. That would be a pain to clean up.

Kat curled further in on herself, but she kept her eyes glued to Jane. She watched as she approached the bed, taking special care to avoid any vomit. The mattress dipped under the pink queen- her stomach dropped with it.

“Kitty?” Jane cooed softly.

The aforementioned queen simply shifted away from her cousin.

“Kit, can I touch you?”

Katherine wanted to nod. She craved the calming embrace and comfort of Jane, but her body was still so on edge, she feared any contact would send her into a panic. But she was too exhausted to say no. It was always easier to say yes. She couldn’t decide. She wanted it, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to handle it. But from the way Jane was looking at her, she knew she wanted her to say yes. Kat resigned, giving her a weak nod. Jane laid a gentle hand on her back, rubbing circles on it gently. Even so, Kit felt herself stiffen under her touch. She tried to relax, to melt into Jane’s touch as she so often did but her body refused to obey her.

“Kitty, how about you come lay in my room? I doubt you wanna be stuck in here”

Again, Kat knew it was an innocent offer, Jane would never hurt her, right?

Come on Katherine, you can stay in my room tonight, I doubt you want to be stuck in here

She felt hands searing on her thighs and her chest again. She flinched every time Jane drew a soft, tender circle on her thumb. She was far too aware of the wrinkled bed sheets beneath her, how the pushed up against her skin, and the seams of her cloths that scratched her from the inside and Jane’s breaths which fell on her head. Too much. There was too much.

She grunted softly and rolled over, away from Jane. Wetness. She recoiled immediately, scrambling away from the vomit. The wetness on her sheets was far too familiar. She let out a small yelp. She edged away from the vomit, her hand keeping her planted on the bed. Until it wasn’t. There was no bed under her hand. She fell off with a dull thud. Thankfully, it wasn’t the side that she had puked over.

She must have hit her head because it was pounding. It was so loud. Suddenly, there were voices. She couldn’t decipher them, but she knew they were there. They wanted to hurt her. Everyone wanted to hurt her. She curled into herself as tight she could, clasping her hands over ears. She waited, and she listened. But soon, the voices had died down. Nobody touched her, nobody moved.

She waited.
And waited..
Nothing.

She lifted her head up a bit, looking over towards the door. Nothing. No one. She felt like she needed to puke again. They had left her. Of course, they had left her, she was a wreck. But still, she had sort of hoped -stupidly hoped- that maybe somebody would stay. She wanted to cry, wanted to call out for them, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t be more of a burden than she already was. And she certainly didn’t want to annoy them anymore than she must have already.

Instead, Katherine put her head back down, and closed her eyes. She needed time. She just needed a second to sort out her feelings and she would be fine. She reflected on the fun times she had with the queens- even if it was short lived and-

“Hey Kitty Kat”

Kat jumped out of her skin as Anne called to her. Sitting straight up, her legs crossed in an -admittedly pretty sad- attempt at looking somewhat dignified.

“Sorry, we were just trying to work out the vomit situation and we didn’t wanna disturb you.”

Kat hummed a little in confusion, her mouth still refusing to let words come out.

“Well, we didn’t want you to be sleeping a puke-covered room, so we had to sort it out. Cathy, Lina and Jane went out to grab carpet cleaner and Anna’s cleaning up breakfast downstairs”

They hadn’t left her. They were trying to help her. She felt tears making their way to her eyes again. She had cried so damn much in the last 24 hours. Pathetic. She wanted to speak, wanted to thank Anne. Wanted to make her promise she wouldn’t leave. But the words didn’t come. She could barely force her mouth open, let alone speak. She knew it was stupid. She was physically able to speak. So, why didn’t she? Why couldn’t she? It was like a door. Like a pull door that said push and she was pushing, and she couldn’t pull it, so it stayed closed.

Instead of the whole speech that she had planned out in her mind- all that came out was a pathetic whine. Anne seemed to get it though. She shot a small smile at Kat.

“Well, I know you hate strong smells so why don’t you come chill out in the living room when the others get back?”

The living room. That was good- it was open. It wasn’t like a room with a lock. She could run if she needed. It was close to the front door too. She gave a small nod to Anne.

The front door clicked open.

“That’s them, c’mon, lets head down so they can clean up.”

Kat tried to get up on shaky legs. She had to hold onto her bedside table for support. She wasn’t sure she’d be able to get downstairs like this. She looked to Anne. Immediately, her cousin leapt into action, slowly taking Kitty arm, and draping it around her shoulders. Kat was grateful. If Anne was supporting her like this, she didn’t to hold her to keep her steady. Slowly, they made their ways downstairs and settled on the couch.

The others were in the kitchen, rustling through bags. They could hear Jane hum and say something to the others before Cathy and Jane waltzed over.

“Hello Katherine, how are you feeling?”

Kat just gave Cathy a shrug. Anne made quick eye contact with the pink queen and tilted her head towards the steps. She was going to clean up too.

“Well, the others are gonna try and get the vomit off the carpet, so umm, you’re stuck with us now, I guess?” Cathy’s weak attempt at humor was pitiable enough to coax a small huff of amusement from Kat.

“How does that get a reaction but none of my puns?” Jane whined.

“Because you’re puns hardly count as puns Jane!” Anne called from upstairs.

“Excuse you! My puns are pawsome, right Kitty?” She received a simple playful eyeroll from the aforementioned queen. Cathy simply eyes Jane with an amused smirk, a hand resting on her hip with an ‘See, Anne was right’ look (a rare one indeed).

From upstairs, Kat could hear shuffling and the vulgar but playful banter between Catalina and Anne.

“You’re a little piece of shit, you know that, right?”
“Oh, fuck off, at least I didn’t switch out the fucking salt and sugar.”
“It was once, and it wasn’t even intentional!”
“Lies! You knew damn well I was making brownies Lina!”
“And you know damn well you’re banned from the kitchen regardless!”

Kat snickered at their conversation. It was nice. To have some semblance of normalcy today. She hated that a single nightmare, one she had had almost every night since coming back had broken her up this much. There was no rhyme or reason, it just scared her so much more than usual.

She was grateful that the house was still full of light-hearted conversation. It let her smile and release some of the tension and anxiousness. The house was still normal. She hadn’t fucked up too horribly. Not yet. Thank God.

Chapter Text

“Kitty?”

“Kat.”

“Katherine?”

Katherine blinked a couple times, having been lost in thought. Anne stood over her, a playful smirk tugging at her lips.

“Ok, so don’t be mad, but we may have done a little more than cleaned the carpet.”

Too tired to give an actual response, Kat simply arched an eyebrow in suspicion. Anne’s eyes sparkled as she offered out a hand and helped Katherine off the couch. She trailed Anne to her room, her stomach lurching at the thought of the other’s having to clean up her vomit from her room. As much as she loved them, the idea of handling somebody else’s vomit made her gag just a little bit, so the idea of the others having to deal with her chuck up wasn’t exactly pleasant.

“Ok, close your eyes!”

Kat obeyed, closing her eyes as she heard her door creak open. The sound made the hairs on the back of her neck stand up slightly, unnerved by the fact that she couldn’t see. But this was Annie. And the others were here too. She was safe, she reminded herself.  Anne took her hand and guided her in. She recoiled slightly at the smell of the chemicals on her carpet. She wasn’t sure if she preferred this or the vomit in all honesty, but at least the carpet cleaner was well…clean, she supposed.

“and… OPEN!”

The lights were off, and her curtain closed, but a soft glow still engulfed the room. 

She looked up. 

On her roof was a galaxy of pink and green glowing star decals. They glowed, bright enough for her to make out shapes and little details, but not so much that they would disturb her already dreadful sleep.

“I saw you eyeing them in my room,” her cousin grinned, her eyes wandering to the roof as well.

Kat blinked once, twice, before taking a few more steps into her room until she was near the center. Her neck craned as she looked up with wonder at the stars. She did a little spin, delighting a bit in how the light swirled and danced with her. Before she got too distracted, she turned back to Anne, and the other queens now waiting by her door with a grin, “Thank you so much, they’re beautiful!” she thanked with as much volume as her hoarse throat would allow.

“Well duh, after all, I picked them out,” Anne boasted, puffing out her chest in pride.

Jane bumped her gently with an eye-roll, “It was my idea though. And you weren’t even at the store! You just hearted a picture I sent you!”

“Potato, potatoe.”

“No-one says potatoe, Anne.”

“Whatever, whatever. Anyways… Here, Kit, look!” Anne pointed just past Kat at the roof and motioned for her to reorient herself slightly, so she was facing the same way her bed was. Kat narrowed her eyes and saw…randomly placed stars. She looked over, slightly lost, to her cousin.

“You seriously can’t see it?” Kat shook her head.

“I told you! It doesn’t look like- “Lina was quickly cut off by Anne shushing her aggressively. The green queen made her way to Kat and looked up at the roof, pointing to a set of stars.

“It’s a cat!” Katherine narrowed her eyes, but still couldn’t quite make it out. They were…a bit bunched up compared to the other stars she supposed, but she couldn’t for the life of her figure out what part of that was supposed to be a cat, “Look, see, there’s one eye, the other, the nose, ears”, Anne pointed out each feature of the cat, but each time, Kat got just a little bit more lost until, finally .

“Oh! I see it!” The tail had been what finally clued her in, and she was able to backtrack from there to find the body, legs, and head. It was…a tad bit disfigured. Even if it was made out of glowing stars, Kat was more than sure the legs were in the wrong spot, and the eyes were most certainly not even and were definitely not meant to be under the nose. But before she could point out any of its…quite otherworldly anatomy out, Anne beat her to it.

“Ok, yeah I know, a little bit funky looking but people point to random stars that resemble a line and say, ‘yeah, that’s a scorpion’, so I think this is actually an amazing constellation cat.” Kat snickered. Can’t argue with that logic she supposed. So, she just nodded to appease her cousin. Either way, she loved the new addition to her room, deformed cat, and all.

“Well?” Cathy prompted from the otherside of the room, looking at Kit expectedly. Kat arched an eyebrow in confusion.

“Well…what?”

“What are you gonna name it?” Cathy prompted again, flicking her eyes up to the cat.

“Do I…Do I have to?” Katherine was drawing a complete blank. Ordinarily, she could probably come up with a name easily, no second thought. But this specific kitty was so unique, and needed the perfect name, if she was going to name it. She would rather not name it all instead of possibly regretting a name she chose later, because changing the name would be sacrilege. At least if she didn’t name it, she didn’t have to deal with that.

“YES,” Was Anne’s immediate reply, “Of course you have to name him! How could you not name such perfection, I mean, just look at him!”  

Kat scrambled desperately for a name racking her brain for anything that could fit the poor disfigured feline. The last day of distress, however, seemed to take its toll on her brain and she couldn’t think of a thing. A few names flickered by, but she opted to ignore them. Naming the cat after one of her abusers was definitely not the right move. But they were the only names she could think of. Kit turned to Anne, who was grinning expectedly  at her. Kat hummed in faux thought. Truth be told, she couldn’t think of a thing, and she was beyond trying at this point.

“Why don’t you name him Annie? Afterall, he’s your creation.” Any name Anne could think of right now would be leagues better than anything Kitty was thinking right now. And it put the pressure off of her which was also a bonus. So long as Anne actually went along with it.

“Bat.” Anne answered in a deadpan voice almost immeadietly.

“W-what?” Bat? That was a bit random. On brand for Anne, sure, but it was surprisingly normal. Kit thought for sure if Anne was going to name it, it would have been some completely out of pocket shit.

“B.A.T. Battle Arson Thyme. Bat for short” Anne replied, as if it was the most obviously logical interpretation of her initial response. Kat’s gaze returned to the newly named cat, trying it out.

“Hello Bat.” To her delight, the name seemed to be the almost perfect fit for the thing. Especially when she recalled the acronym. She nodded to herself. This guy could definitely commit and would definitely enjoy arson.

She scanned her roof, looking at the rest of the stars. They eased some of the anxiety that edged her being. Not only were they something other than the endless darkness that would otherwise envelope her room at night, but they were a gift. From Jane and Anne primarily, it seemed, but she was sure Anne hadn’t set up the stars by herself. No, in fact, as she looked slightly closer, she could see sections of stars that were placed in a more orderly, patterned fashion. Those were probably placed by Lina. And there were some that resembled some of the constellations that Anne had bashed in her defense of Bat. Those must have been from Cathy. And the few that formed smiley faces? Kat beamed over at Anna. They were a gift from everybody.

People don’t give gifts to people they’re angry at (most of the time). They don’t deck out a room with that much effort if they had any intention of being rid of her for being too much of a nuisance. (She knew it was unlikely, over the past 6 months, they had become a family of sorts, but she couldn’t seem to shake that particular anxiety. Being tossed away). She shook her head, that wasn’t what she wanted to think about right now. She wanted to think about how the warm glow of the stars warmed her insides. 

“Thank you guys. So much,” she could feel her eyes getting teary again. God damn it. Again. Always with the stupid crying. She swallowed them back, faking a yawn to excuse the fact that her eyes were slightly wet.

 “I..” the words caught in her throat. She was just.. So thankful. She didn’t even know how to express it. She knew that most nothing from the past day could have been pleasant for the others, and yet, her roof was glowing with a galaxy molded star by star by their hands. She needed to thank them. Show just how grateful she was for them. But her brain could not form full sentences.

“Don’t worry about it Mija,” Lina interjected, seeing Kat’s turmoil, “We’ll always be here to hold you up.”

A chorus of agreements and reassurances joined Lina. Katherine let herself believe them. That they were going to be there for her. Even if a whisper at the back of her head argued that it was likely it wouldn’t last. Eventually, things would fall apart. Because surely six people could not get along and be together forever. That one day, an argument, a disagreement would boil over and that would be it. But the five voices right here, right now, were much more prominent. 

Katherine fell asleep under a peaceful, starry sky that night. 

Chapter Text

Katherine stirred uncomfortably in her sleep before jolting awake, phantom limbs encompassing her own. Her chest was tight. So, so tight. She could barely breathe past the panicked lump in her throat and the tears pricking in her eyes. In the darkness, her sleep-addled mind could almost see the shadow of somebody on top of her. She squeezed her eyes closed and opened them again. No one is there . It was just her stupid nightmare brain. There were no hot puffs of air against her ear, no whispers and groans. Just lingering sensations. 

Her eyes slowly adjusted, the darkness being washed away by the soft glow of the stars above her head. An empty room. Just her. Nobody else. She could still feel her heart hammering in her chest but Kit had participated in the song and dance of nightmares for months on end. She knew it would cease eventually. She just had to wait for her nervous system to calm down. Her eyes wandered over the stars littered over her roof. Cathy had pointed out all of the real-life constellations she had implemented, so Kat tried to find and put a name to each of them. A scorpion, a goose, a very inaccurate Belt Of Orion which Cathy was slightly annoyed about but her space and star supply was limited. She located a few more, she knew they each had names but there were a few she could not for the life of her remember. 

Then, her eyes then journeyed over to Bat. Anne’s lovely little addition.

Despite his lack of a mouth, he almost seemed to smile kindly at her. Kat smiled weakly back. The focus of trying to find him and the other constellations had grounded her. Helped her calm down her brain which kept yelling ‘ DANGER, DANGER, SCARED. I’M SCARED’ despite the fact she knew she was safe. 

Considering the sun had yet to rise, she knew it probably wasn’t a ‘normal’ time. Maybe somewhere around 2am she guessed. Though, that was more by feeling and was almost definitely innacurate. She was tempted to peek at her phone to check the time. But the thought of her bright screen blaring at her was not so appealing. And she knew if she checked, she probably wouldn’t get back to sleep. The temptation to check any notifications or find a video to watch was too strong.She should really invest in some sort of clock she could check at times like these. Maybe she’d get one next time she went out. But for now…

Kit groaned as she rolled onto her side, cuddling up to one of her many pillows. She wanted her weighted blanket but at some point during her sleep, she must have kicked it to the floor and it was far too heavy and Kit was far too tired to attempt hauling it back up. These nightmares were so stupid. Her chest constricted at the mere thought of them and their contents, further justifying her annoyance at them. This had been literal centuries ago now. Surely her brain must have at least partially learned how to deal with what happened back then now. Hell, in her past life, when those hands were still fresh, her nightmares were nowhere near as frequent or vivid. So painful . So why? Why now when she was safe, were they so unrelenting? 

Her brain was so over-dramatic. She took a breath and thought back to a few of the events of her nightmares. They weren’t that scary, were they? Even if thinking back made her feel sick and dirty, she couldn’t help herself.  

They weren’t as rough with her as they were in her dreams. At the start, they had at least attempted to make her feel good. She used to almost look forward to it. To feeling special, and loved, and mature. To be close to somebody that maybe wouldn’t leave her (so much for that. Everybody always left her). Even if it hurt sometimes, there were only a handful of times they had been outright violent towards her, and each time, it was her fault. She had led them on and she was hurting them.

So why was it so terrifying in her dreams? She was never that scared back then, was she? If she was, surely she would have attempted to fight them off at least a few more times. It was as if they weren’t even human in her dreams. Not even a whisper of the humanity in them that had entranced her in her past life. Why was she even thinking about this? Why did it matter? But for some reason, she couldn’t seem to tear her thoughts away from the past. 

She thought back to before. When she had mustered up her flitting bits of courage and had attempted to shed a bit of light on her previous life. Both of her cousins had affirmed that it had not been her fault. But they didn’t know the whole story. Had it been any other thirteen year old in her circumstances back then, she would have been disgusted in the offending adult. But her circumstances were unique. She led them on. She was a tease. She had seduced them, even if she didn’t mean to. She had relished in their attention and affection. 

She had wanted it. Wanted them. It was her fault. She just couldn’t figure out a way to effectively articulate it. And a selfish part of her didn’t want to. Didn’t want the others to realize the truth. With the half truth, they were on her side. They would hate her if they knew the truth. She was sure they would. And she knew it was wrong but the thought of losing the little family that they had formed was almost too much to bear.

Sleep evaded Katherine for the rest of the night (morning?). She had tried a handful of times but her head was simply too loud, and no matter how she arranged herself on her bed, she couldn’t get comfortable. Whether it be just a physically uncomfortable position or the itch to move . To tap her foot, or tap her fingers against the mattress. But she was still too tired to actually get up, even if she was beyond restless in her bed. She tried counting the stars to quiet her mind, but at a certain point, she had started feeling slightly sick. Why? She wasn’t sure. That was just a thing that happened sometimes when she focused too hard on something for too long. Eventually, she opted to bear the momentary burning of her irises as she clicked her phone on, losing time to mindless videos (turns out it was 3:28am).

Part of her was tempted a few times to get up and go downstairs, just to do something, maybe grab a snack. It wasn’t unusual, after all, for one of the queens to be down there significantly earlier than the others. But the idea of being downstairs was somewhat daunting. Down there alone, where it was big and cold. And she didn’t want to risk waking up any of the others, she had cost them more than enough sleep at this point. She huddled a bit further into her blanket as she contemplated whether she was ready to rise from her bed and properly face the coming day. She was warm and comfortable and she didn’t particularly want to move. But also, the feeling of restlessness was really starting to get to her.

The distinct hissing of the coffee machine pulled her from her thoughts. She dragged down the top of her screen to reveal the time. ‘ 5:52am’. Had she really been awake for two and a half hours? Judging by the time, it was either Jane or Lina getting ready for the day early, or a very much sleep deprived Cathy. Either way, that was somebody. Which meant it was an acceptable time to be downstairs. She paused her video, taking a second to stretch out her back and arms, relishing in the pop of her stiffened joints. 

She took a second to prepare for the cold as she emerged from the little cocoon she had fashioned herself out of her blanket. Throwing a leg over the edge of her bed, she slid off slowly until she was sitting on the floor. She rested her back against her bed, slightly light headed. With a huff, she rose to her feet, a hand on her bed to stabilize her and her still spinning head. The mixture of sleep deprivation and general ‘floatiness’ that was omnipresent in her life really did not aid in her balance. After a moment, the spinning subsided and she was relatively confident in her ability to function like a semi-normal person.

Opening her door carefully to minimize any squeaking, Kit slipped out into the unlit hallway. She was worried for a second that perhaps she had misheard the coffee machine, but the light emanating from the bottom of the stairwell indicated that no, there was actually somebody down there. Careful to avoid the fourth stair from the top (that one always creaked absurdly loudly), she made her way downstairs. Closer to the kitchen now, she could hear quite a bit of shuffling around, as well as some soft humming. Jane’s humming. Kat recognised the melody almost immediately, making out the lyrics in her head, 

‘ Little Sunshine, little sunshine, let your radiance show. Little sunshine, Little sunshine, let your kind heart glow.’

Poking her head into the kitchen, Kat was met with the sight of Jane softly humming to herself as she set about mundane morning chores. Watering the little herb garden by the window, setting out the cutlery for breakfast, and- noticing Kat. Jane did a quick double take as she passed the entrance to the kitchen before smiling warmly at her little cousin, “Morning Love, how’d you sleep?” 

Kat stiffened slightly. It had certainly been less than ideal, but Jane looked so oddly hopeful. Kit couldn’t bring herself to be a downer, so she grinned right back at her cousin, despite the grogginess in her system.
“Yeah, good! I think the stars helped. Life would have been a lot easier if I had given in and bought them earlier,” she chuckled. It wasn’t a full lie. The stars had helped. Just…not with the actual sleep portion of sleep. 

Jane’s smile widened at her response, “That’s great! I’m glad you’re feeling better, especially after-” She cut herself off, looking up to try and gauge Kitty’s reaction. It took Kit a second to connect what Jane was referencing.

Kat smiled, another lie flowing out of her effortlessly (she hated how easy it was to lie), “Yeah, that nightmare was something else. Hopefully it’s just a once off.” There was no chance it was a once off. Hell, she had another one the very next night, just like all of the nights prior. But Jane didn’t need to know that. Jane just needed to know that that was not going to be a regular occurrence and that Kit had her shit together, “Can I help you with anything?” 

Jane glanced around the kitchen in thought, mentally checking off what she had done and what still needed tending to. She hummed in thought for a moment before settling on something, “Yes actually! If you could, maybe you could keep your favorite cousin company while she cooks?”

“Anne’s not allowed to cook.” Was Katherines immediate response. (Not that Jane wasn’t her favorite cousin. The only issue was that Anne was too. They were both her favorite. So naturally, being related to the one and only Anne at all, she couldn’t resist stirring the pot a little bit). Jane huffed and rolled her eyes with a smile, “Guess Anne is both our favorites then.”

Kat gasped in mock hurt before locking eyes with the blonde, both of them trying (and failing) desperately to hold in their giggles. Kat didn’t like lying or half truths. But Kat was selfish. And she wanted this to last.

Chapter Text

Hello hello, I just wanna say thank you all so so much for interacting and reading this fic, you guys are the reason I was able to discover a real joy in writing. That being said, it's time for this dusty old fic to take a back seat. This fic, as my first, really does hold a special place in my heart which is why I'm delighted to announce that I've decided to rewrite it with my new and improved set of skills!

You can check out the rewrite here: How Are Your Lungs (are they in pain)

Thank you all so so much again, and hopefully this rewrite doesn't go abandoned for almost a year fhasjldf