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Chapter Text

Dean tapped his hands on his legs to the Led Zeppelin song stuck in his head. He was waiting for Sam to finish talking with his math professor. As smart as Sam was, he was almost failing and needed to do some extra credit.

Don't know what math's got to do with being a lawyer, Dean thought. His eyes wandered around the hallway, but they always made their way back to the whiteboard in front of him. There was a challenge problem on it and a set of markers daring someone to come solve it. Eventually, Dean couldn't pull his eyes away. He crunched some numbers in his head, doing the best he could without writing anything down. Finally, his interest was too much. He stood up and started solving the equation. After a couple of minutes he had it all solved out including a small proof. He stepped back and smiled to himself.

"What are you doing?" A low gravelly voice said from his left.

Dean put the marked back and laughed nervously, "sorry I-"

"You can't graffiti here, that's someone's work."

"Whatever man," Dean said turning to his right and walking away.

"Don't walk away from me."

"Go fuck yourself," Dean turned a corner and quickly exited the building.

Singer's Auto, Castiel reminded himself. That was the company on the back of the man's jean jacket. That's who he would go complain to once he saw what ridiculous thing this man wrote on the board.

He turned towards the whiteboard and tilted his head. The man had solved it and given the proofs. He would have to double-check his answer sheet to make sure, but everything looked correct to him.

The door to Professor Haden's office opened and Cas turned towards the sound.

"Hi professor Novak," the boy said.

"Sam," Cas nodded.

Assuming his brother was now waiting for him outside the building Sam left quickly. He was right when he saw the impala already running right in the front. He hopped in the passenger seat and greeted his brother.

"How'd things go with the math professor?"

"Bad, I mean, he said he'd consider doing something for extra credit, but didn't tell me what it was or when I could do it. So not looking too good."

"That's tough man. But hey it's just one class. You manage to get by with a D, you're that much closer to becoming a lawyer."

Sam smiled as they drive off to go get dinner and some beers. 

Curiosity got the best of Cas and he looked up Singer's auto. It was a local auto shop. He looked up the hours and also found a picture of the mystery man. His arms were around an old grump. Unlike today he could really see the man's face. His defining jawline. His full lips. His eyes. Breathe Cas. Damn those green eyes. Dean. The photo caption said his name was Dean. He was a mechanic at Bobby Singer's auto shop. This was Sam Winchester's brother. Cas decided to go to the shop the next morning.

Cas parked his car and went inside. There was no one in the small waiting room so he decided to make his way into the garage. He saw the old man, Bobby Singer, working in the open hood of a car.

"Hello," Cas said.

The man turned in surprise, "hello, so what can I do for you?"

"I'm looking for Dean Winchester."

"Today's his day off, but I can take a look at your car for you."

"No thank you my car's fine. I just wanted to talk to him."

"He's not in trouble, is he?"

"No. I just," Cas paused not knowing what exactly he wanted to talk to Dean about, "I just want to talk to him. That's all."

"Well he's not at work but I can tell you where he is."

"Really?!" Cas was shocked at his own excitement.

The old man gave him a small smile. "He's in the junkyard a few miles away." He gave Cas the address and sent him on his way.

Cas pulled up to a big stack of crushed cars. There were many more like it all around. From what he could see on the outside, there was a pocket of space in the middle, almost like a circle.  That's where Dean must be.

He wandered towards the middle and saw Dean underneath an old car. He's on his back on a creeper seat. There was a radio nearby that was blasting classic rock. Apparently not that loud, because Dean heard someone approach him.

"I told you it was my day off Bobby," Dean said continuing to tighten something under the car.

"Um, I'm not Bobby," Cas replied. The cranking stopped. After a moment Dean rolled himself out from under the car. When he saw who it was he rolled his eyes and sat up.

"What do you want?"

"Actually I want to apologize. When I saw you writing on the whiteboard I assumed the worst and that was wrong of me. I'm sorry."

"Whatever it's fine. How'd you find me?"

"I saw 'Singer's auto' on the back of your jacket yesterday. Then today I went to the garage and Bobby told me you'd be here."

"Huh," Dean stood up and walked over to a small table. There was a half-drunk beer on the table which he picked up and took a swig. When he was done he spoke again, "you went through all that trouble just to apologize?"

"Well," Cas was just standing there awkwardly, "I was... curious. That was an extremely difficult problem and you solved it in only a couple of minutes. I guess I just want to know more about you, where'd you go to school?"

Dean scoffed, "Lawence public high school."

Cas squinted his eyes, "You never went to college?"

Dean leaned back on the table, "Barely made it through high school, man."

"Castiel Novak."

"Yeah well sorry, you came all this way for nothing Cas."

Cas, Dean had given him a nickname. Cas smiled then realized the silence had gone on too long. Dean was looking at him expectantly. 

"What are you working on?" Cas asks eventually.

"This," Dean walked over to the car and slapped the roof, "is a 1961 Jaguar XK-E. I'm refurbishing her for a client."

"A client? I thought you worked at Singer's auto."

"Yeah I do, I just do this in my spare time."

"You work at a garage fixing cars, and in your spare time you work in a junkyard, fixing cars."

Dean shrugged, "I like cars. The way you put them together just makes sense to me."

"Like topology and differential equations."

Dean shook his head and smile, "look man, just forget about it ok? I won't do it again."

"But I want you to do it again," Cas took a step forward, "Dean your mind is extraordinary. It can comprehend extremely complex concepts and then apply the correct algorithms to solve them. That's something that most college kids struggle to do. Your mind is a gift, you shouldn't waste it."

"Waste it? What being a mechanic ain't fancy enough for you?"

"That's not what I meant."

"No that's exactly what you meant. You know a car is essential to everyone's lives, and I fix them, I save people's lives. What do you do, huh? Teach math to stuck up pricks who'll probably never use any of the crap you teach them."

"Dean please I-"

"Stop! I don't wanna hear it ok? So leave, now." Dean laid back on the creeper seat and scooted himself under the car. Cutting off the conversation for good.

Cas sighed and left.

Chapter Text

A week goes by and Cas hasn't seen Dean since, but he has not stopped thinking about him. He wished he could've gotten to know Dean more, but then he let that stupid comment slip. He didn't mean to be insulting by his blunt nature, but Dean never gave him a chance. Cas can't blame him, he only wished there was something he could do about it. Cas sighed. Right now he was grading math quizzes. He liked teaching, but grading was a different story. It could be very monotonous at times. Then he came across an interesting test from a girl named Charlie. She had gotten the right answer, but he'd never before seen the method she used. Cas is pretty sure that this was still a valid way to get the solution, but he wanted to double-check with Professor Haden. His office was just down the hall. He picked up the test and headed over. 

When he was a couple of feet away, professor Haden's door opened. Out stepped an extremely frustrated Sam Winchester.

"Sam?" Cas asked, "what's wrong?"

Sam sighed, "Nothing Professor I-" he stopped when he saw the look on Cas's face. It was kind, but it would not accept a lie. "I'm not doing too good in analytical geometry, and Professor Haden isn't really helping me get my grade back up."

"Can't you ask your brother for help?"

"Dean? I mean, I don't know if he could."

Cas gave a small smile, "you'd be surprised."

Sam nodded and started walking away.

"Oh and Sam," Cas called, causing Sam to turn around, "please tell Dean I'm sorry."

Sam nodded, now more confused than ever. Cas entered Professor Haden's office as Sam left the building. Dean had texted Sam that someone called with car trouble and he wouldn't be able to pick him up that day. Sam didn't mind, their apartment was close to the school anyways. When he got home he dropped on the couch and turned the tv on. He needed a break from math. His phone beeped, it was a message from Dean.

All finished. Want me to pick up something for dinner?

                          We still have all those leftovers we need to eat.

True. I'll grab some beers. Be home soon

                          OK

When Sam put his phone down he remembered what Professor Novak had said. First, how did he even know about Dean? I mean yeah Sam had mentioned him, but he also asked Sam to apologize for him. He definitely needed to confront Dean about this. 

"I made a stirfry from last night's Chinese and some of that chicken," Sam called from the kitchen once he heard the door open. As promised, Dean brought a 6-pack and some blueberry pie.

"Perfect," he smiled placing his groceries on the table, "let me get cleaned up."

Dean was still wearing his dirty work clothes but quickly changed into some random shirt and pants while Sam made Dean and himself a plate.

They sat down and began eating.

"So what was this house call? Everything all right."

Dean smiled, "yeah actually the girl was super funny. So she popped a tire and she fixed it up herself correctly but then her battery dies. I just gave her a quick jump and was on my way. She was super nice though, her name is Charlie, we even exchanged numbers."

"Oh," Sam raised his eyebrows.

"Woah wait, not like that ok. She's more like a sister. Besides she's like your age and gay."

"Well, congrats Dean you made your first friend."

"Shut up, anyways how was your day?"

"Haden is still being a dick. If I do bad on one more quiz I'm done for."

"Stop going to him for help then. You liked your math professor from last year, why not go to him."

"Professor Novak?"

"Yeah, I'm sure he'd help you."

"Actually Dean," Sam laughed at how awkward it sounded, "he told me to go to you for help and to tell you that he's sorry."

Dean looked down at his plate while chewing his food. When he finally swallowed he looked up at Sam, "Why?"

"I don't know. Honestly, I didn't know you guys ever met before. What happened between you too."

"Nothing."

"Doesn't sound like nothing."

"Fine, I mean, I've only seen him once or twice. Last time I was waiting outside Haden's office for you and he thought I was homeless or something. He yelled at me and I cursed at him and left."

"Then how'd he find out who you were?"

Dean paused, "he saw you get in my car, I guess."

"Come on Dean, don't lie."

"I'm not."

"Then why'd you pause like that?"

"Can't a man take a moment to chew his food?"

"Fine, what about the math then?"

"It's 'cause I'm the oldest, and therefore superior."

Sam rolled his eyes, "He probably just assumed you went to college."

Dean half-laughed, half-grunted.

The subject changed and they continued talking and eating dinner. When they're done, Sam sprawled out his homework on the kitchen table while Dean washed the dishes.

After minutes of intense pencil scribbling and calculator clicking, Sam let out a frustrated, "damn it." He put his pencil down and rubbed his face in his hands.

"Come on can't be that bad," Dean smiled as he dried his hands.

"Dean I've been working on this same problem for like 10 minutes and I can't even do part a."

"Well let me take a look."

"Thanks, Dean, but I'm good."

"You just said you're struggling."

"Exactly, I'm struggling and, no offense Dean, you barely made it through high school. If I can't do it, what makes you think you can?"

Dean pursed his lips, "well Professor Haden can't help you, and staring at the problem for another 10 minutes won't magically make you understand so why not let me take a crack at it?"

"Fine whatever," Sam turned the textbox towards Dean, "it's problem number 6."

Dean read the problem. Tilted his head up like he was thinking for a moment, then turned the book back towards Sam. 

Sam nodded, thinking Dean was admitting defeat, "that's what I thought."

"You draw an auxiliary line in the second trapezoid, then you have two congruent 3, 4, 5 triangles. That gives you part a."

Sam gapped at his brother. He quickly took the book and read the problem. He looked up at Dean, then at the problem again.

"Dude," Sam laughed, "you're right! That works!"

Dean smiled and shrugged.

"How did you do that Dean?"

"Well, you know, it's just shapes. And you can put them together and take them apart, just like cars."

"Heh, yeah. Thanks, Dean."

"Don't mention it. I'll be in the other room. Holler if you need more help."

"Yup."

Dean walked into the living room, beer in hand, and relaxed onto the couch. He turned on the football game, but he couldn't distract himself. Why'd that idiot tell Sam? Did he really want to apologize? He didn't know Castiel, but what he said really hurt. Dean thought back to what Cas said. That he was wasting his life. Heard that one a million times. It felt different coming from a complete stranger. Dean couldn't tell if it was better or worse than his father. Nah his father was definitely worse.

"I finished number 6!" Sam called giddily from the kitchen.

"Nice job, buddy!" Dean yelled back. He took a swing of his beer. Nah, he wasn't wasting his life.

Chapter Text

It's been a couple of days since Dean first started helping Sam with his homework. He had no idea how Dean knew all about analytical geometry, but he wasn't going to question it. Maybe Dean did just understand the shapes of it all. That's how he always tried to explain his obsession with cars. When Sam got stuck on a problem, he would ask Dean for help. Dean would take less than a minute until he completely understood. And Dean could explain it all to Sam, way more clearly than Professor Haden ever could. Slowly, he was starting to do better in class. The one problem he had was with Professor Novak, how did he know Dean could do this math?

Sam decided he had to ask. He reserved one of Professor Novak's office hours for that night. When his time slot came, he knocked on the door.

"Come in."

Sam opened the door and smiled.

"Hello Sam, I was surprised to see your name on the server. Is everything alright?" Cas motioned for Sam to sit in the chair on the other side of his desk.

Sam sat down, "Yeah actually, things are getting better. I got my analytical geometry grade up, but it wasn't Professor Haden who helped me. It was Dean."

"Well I'm glad to hear that, but I'm not exactly sure what you're here for."

"Well I told Dean what you said, but he was acting weird."

Cas felt his heart beat faster, "what do you mean?"

"Well I asked him what you were apologizing for, and he said you thought he was a homeless person, and you told him to get out of the building. But I know you would never treat a homeless person like that and then I asked him how you knew he could help me with math and he just shrugged. I don't know, he didn't want to talk about it."

Cas didn't know what to make of that. He squinted his eyes, "that's not what happened."

Sam sat up in his seat, "so what really happened professor?"

"Well you know I have a challenge problem that I put on the whiteboard."

"Yeah, whoever solves it first gets extra points on the final."

"I assume now he was waiting for you on the bench right across from the board. I was going to Professor Haden's office when I saw him writing on the board. He was wearing his mechanic clothes, so I assumed he was graffitiing. I told him to stop, he told me to fuck off and he left the building. When I looked at the board, Dean had solved it. Proof and everything."

"He solved it?!" Sam gasped.

Cas nodded.

"How did he- I mean, helping me with a problem or two is one thing, but solving the extra credit problem, in what a couple minutes. That's insane. I never knew, I feel so bad, I mean I laughed at Dean when he tried to help but he's- he's a genius."

"Yes, your brother's mind is quite unique. I was curious, and I felt bad for judging him so harshly. So I went to Singer's auto the next day. He wasn't there but an old man-"

"Bobby."

"Yes I assume, he was there and he told me that Dean was in the junkyard. I went and tried to talk to Dean. We talked and he told me he never went to college and, I still can't believe I said this, but I told Dean I wanted him to do more math and that if he didn't, he would be wasting his head."

Sam bit his lip, "yeah that's not good. Dean has a... let's just say complicated past with that phrase."

"I tried apologizing but he would have none of it. So I left. I never meant for it to come out that way. I like your brother," Cas sat up a little, "I mean, I want to get to know him more. At least explore his mind and see the way he can process these complex problems." Cas willed himself to calm down, Sam didn't seem to suspect anything. Suspect what? Cas asked himself. He didn't have time to answer because Sam started talking.

"I believe you Professor, and I agree. I mean Dean's never really been into academics. When we in high school," Sam sighed, "I mean I told you how our dad sucked."

Cas nodded, allowing Sam to continue.

"But I've never told you that Dean actually took custody of me. He got a job and was working throughout high school. Dean wanted to drop out so he could get a full-time job sooner, but our social worker, Ellen, said the courts would be more in our favor if Dean graduated. So he stayed. He went to school then right to work, so he never had time for homework."

"Wow, Sam. That's a lot to handle."

"Yes, and I love my brother and everything he did for me, but I just never. I don't know, I never thought he was smart enough or cared enough to go to college, but," Sam shook his head.

"Now that you know he could've gone to college, you're afraid you robbed him of the opportunity."

Sam just nodded. It was silent for a moment while Cas tried to figure out what to say.

"Sam, your brother loves you and would give up anything for you. But he also loves cars, he loves being a mechanic, I don't think you robbed him of anything."

Sam nodded and gave a small smile, "yeah, thanks professor."

"Unfortunately, I do have other appointments tonight."

"Yes, of course," Sam stood up and opened the door.

"Sam, if you ever need anything, or just want to talk, you can always come here."

"Yeah, thanks. Good night Professor."

Cas nodded and Sam left. Dean had gone out to a bar so Sam had taken the car. He drove back to their apartment. As Sam pulled into the driveway, he knew something was wrong. Dean was sitting out on the porch, smoking. He parked the car and got out.

"What the hell Dean, you were two months sober."

"Come on Sam, cigs don't count," Dean forced a smile on his face. Sam was standing in front of him, arms crossed.

"Yeah, they do Dean."

"Whatever, who cares?" the smile dropped from his face as he took another puff.

"I care, Dean, and I know you do too." Confusion was quickly added to Sam's anger when he noticed dry blood under Dean's nose and on his knuckles.

"Dean, what happened? Did you get in another fight?"

Dean shook his head, "I don't want to talk about it."

Sam's anger disappeared when he saw his brother's hands were still shaking. He stuck out his hand, "fine but hand the rest over."

Dean glared at Sam for a moment the dropped his gaze and handed the rest of the box over to Sam. He hated when he acted like this. How Sam had to take care of him. 

Sam pocketed the cigarette box and sat down next to Dean. Something had happened to him to make him act this way, but he knew his brother wouldn't talk about it. Sam needed to get Dean to think about something else, at least until he finished smoking, then they would have to talk about it.

"You know I talked to Professor Novak tonight."

"Yeah?"

"He told me what really happened."

Dean just nodded and took another puff.

"He's a really great guy. He didn't mean the wasting your life comment, he just knows you're wicked smart and wanted to know why'd you never went to college. I need to ask Dean, did you want to go to college, to get a degree, maybe be an engineer or something."

Dean looked at Sam curiously, "what makes you ask that?"

"Well now that I know you were smart enough to go to college, I don't know. Did you pass on your chance to go to college because of me?" Sam looked up at Dean with a pained look in his eyes.

Dean smiled at his little brother, "no Sammy, I never wanted to go to college and I don't regret taking care of you."

Sam sighed with relief, "yeah still, thanks for giving up so much for me."

Dean nodded and blew out a smoke ring.

"Let me repay the favor, Dean. Tell me what's wrong, and don't say nothing because your hands are shaking even as you smoke."

Dean looked down at his shaking hands and closed his eyes.

"I was leaving the bar...

Chapter Text

"How are you out of Maker's Mark? It's not even 11 yet!"

"Sorry Dean," Benny, the bartender at Dean's favorite bar replied, "there was a mix up, we thought we ordered more but we didn't. We have some coming in noon tomorrow."

"Well, Benny I'm taking my business elsewhere."

"Don't be like that brother, come on."

Dean walked backward away from the bar, "I promised myself I wouldn't get drunk off your cheap tequila, sorry man."

"Well, I better see you back here tomorrow!"

"You know it," Dean finger gunned and turned around. He left the bar, Purgatory was the name, and flipped the collar of his leather jacket up. It wasn't that cold out but there was a strong wind. He shoved his hands in his pockets as he rounded the street corner. Then he heard a scream from a nearby ally. His head darted up and he started running. He got to the end of the alleyway and saw a big drunk man pinning a crying woman against the wall, trying to get her undressed.

"Quit screaming," he told her. Dean saw red as he rushed it. He slammed his fist against the man. Dean was shorter than him, but he caught the man off the guard. The man lost his balance and released his hold on the woman. She fell to the ground.

"Go! Run!" Dean yelled. The woman struggled to get up, she had a hurt ankle.

"You're gonna regret that man," he turned to Dean and threw a punch that Dean ducked under.

"Run! Call 911!"

The woman finally got up and started running. Dean and the man were locked in a fight. Both only getting a couple of punches in. Dean dodged a punch then kicked the man in the balls. The man doubled over and Dean took a few steps back. He was just trying to keep the asshole here until the police arrived. He assumed the man would be down for a few. It was a mistake letting his guard down. The man lunged at Dean punching him right in the nose. Dean stumbled back. His eyes were watering and he couldn't see. The man probably broke his nose. The man pushed Dean against the wall as he struggled to blink away the tears. The man had a tight grip on Dean's wrists as he leaned in for a kiss. Dean tried to lean away from it but the man kissed his lips, cheeks, neck, anything on Dean's face. He tried to fight it but the man was stronger than him. When he finally pulled away he had a sinister smile on his face.

"Thick lips, long eyelashes. You'll do just fine."

"Let go of me."

"Just as fuckable as that whore."

"Don't you mother fucker I'll end you!"

He laughed, "you won't have a chance," and leaned in again.

"Freeze! Police!"

The man held on to Dean but looked out from the ally. Sure enough, there were four police officers there with their guns out. Dean took the man's distraction as an opportunity. Dean's mind was frozen, but his body wasn't. He kneed the guy in the gut and shoved him to the ground. He leaned over the guy and started punching him in the face, repeatedly. In the back of his mind, he heard the officers yelling, but he kept going. He didn't fight when he felt two people pull him off. The rapist's face was bloody and he deserved it. He smiled as the man was handcuffed and put in the back of the first police car. He saw the police officer's mouth moving but he couldn't hear anything over the ringing in his ears. The police walked him over to the car and put him in the back. He wasn't handcuffed but he didn't fight. The ringing finally subsided when they pulled into the police station. They escorted him to an interrogation room where they left him alone with just one officer that was on the scene with him.

"Sit down," she told him.

Dean obliged, "so why am I here?"

"We want to take your statement of what happened," she sat down across from him.

"Uhhh," Dean looked down at his bloody knuckles. What did just happen?

"It's ok, take your time," she stood up and walked over to the bubbler in the corner of the room. She grabbed a wad of paper towels and got a few wet. She brought them back to the table and offered them to Dean.

"Thanks, " Dean took them and cleaned off his knuckles and nose as best he could but the bleeding didn't fully stop.

"What's your name?" She asked.

"Dean."

"Well, Dean, anything you give us can help put that ass in jail."

"Is the girl alright?"

"She is, she's here too. She wants to thank you, but we need you to tell us what happened first."

Dean rubbed his face, "can't you just use what she told you?"

"Well, we only have half the story."

Dean closed his eyes and wrung his hands together, "well I left the bar and I heard screaming, I ran and saw the man pinning the girl against the wall. Nothing had happened yet but he was trying to take her clothes off. Then I punched him and she ran off."

"And then?"

Dean opened his eyes and stared at the cop. She would believe him right? I mean she saw the guy- she saw- well she saw the end. You have to talk if you want this dick in jail.

"Then we fought a little, kneed him in the nuts, he bent over, I backed away, he clocked my nose, I couldn't see, he pushed me against the wall and, and he," Dean painfully forced himself to swallow, "then he kissed me. All across my face."

The woman nodded solemnly, she did believe him, and she didn't judge him.

"Did he say anything to you?"

Dean bit his lip and nodded.

"Can you tell me?"

Dean tasted blood as he bit his lip open. He took a deep breath, "he said 'thick lips, long eyelashes. You'll do just fine.' then he laughed and that's when you showed up." He couldn't make himself repeat the other comment.

"Thank you Dean."

"You're not gonna arrest me for attacking the guy after?"

"No point, any good lawyer could get you acquitted for self-defense. Besides he was an ass."

Dean nodded, but his hands were still shaking.

"You want to go see Catherine now? That's the girl you save."

Dean smiled, "yeah I'll like that."

The cop gestured for Dean to follow her and she lead him to another room where Catherine was sitting. When she heard the door open, she stood up.

"Catherine this is Dean, I'll give you a moment," the cop said then left.

"Can I hug you?" Catherine asked with tears in her eyes.

"Of course," Dean opened his arms and the young girl rushed into them. She looked around Sam's age, definitely still in college. Dean could never imagine something like this happening to Sam. Dean felt tears come to his eyes. He's rubbing her back and she started to cry harder.

"Hey hey it's ok, it's over now," Dean whispered.

She looked up at him, "thank you Dean, you saved my life."

He smiled at her and spoke softly, "of course."

She pulled away from the hug and wiped her eyes. Then she saw Dean's bloody nose.

"Are you ok? Oh my god did he-"

"No," Dean said instantly, then he looked in her eyes and realized he couldn't lie to her, she would understand. "We fought, he pushed me against the wall, there was one kiss but the police showed up right after."

She nodded, almost crying. Then they hugged again.

"Let's go home," Catherine said, "I don't know you, Dean, but if you need anything, ever, just text me." They exchanged numbers as the police officer came back in.

It was the same officer from before, "You both can go, we've got all we need for now. We'll be in touch." 

"Stay safe out there Catherine, if you ever feel like a creep is following you, you call me got it. I'll be right there."

She smiled, "goodbye Dean."

Dean left the station and shivered. He didn't really know where he was going, but he started walking. It was colder out now and he didn't have any alcohol to warm him up. He didn't feel like drinking anyways. That wasn't true. He wanted to drink. A lot. But he couldn't. If he started heavy drinking he knew Sam would cut him off and he didn't want that either. Could he find a dealer this late? Of course, he could. You're supposed to be sober. You are sober. Two months. At least with drugs. Sammy'll kill me. He'd understand why though. No, he wouldn't. He'd want him to talk about it. Talking about it is why he feels like shit. He was going to have to tell Sam, he'd find out either way. Thinking about telling Sam everything made it worse, he picked up the pace. That poor girl. You saved her. You're a hero Dean. Would a hero let himself be pushed against the wall? Would a hero let himself be touched like that? Again? No, it wasn't your fault. You were the one that ran down that ally. To save the girl. She's safe. You're safe.

Dean stopped and pressed his hands against his face. His stupid hands hadn't stopped shaking. He just wanted to go home. Sammy's at home. He's gonna make you talk about it. Dean looked to his side and saw that he was in front of a corner store.

How could he not? It was right there advertising his favorite brand of cigarettes. Sammy will be mad. But this way he would be able to talk about it, that'll make Sammy happy, right. It was too late he was already inside. He bought a pack and a new lighter. As soon as he's outside his lighting one up. It makes him feel good. He can feel the smoke in his lungs. Maybe that was a bad thing but he didn't care. He stayed in the front of the store as he finished his first one. He lights up a second and starts walking home. The police station was on the opposite side of the town, and in his panic, he started walking in the other direction. It would be a long walk home, but Dean didn't mind. Smoking kept his mind off things as he walked but his hands were still shaking. He wasn't afraid to walk alone at night, otherwise he would never be able to leave his house and he couldn't live like that. Besides he knew the streets well enough to walk himself home when he was drunk. He finished his first cigarette. Damn, that was fast. Only lasted like ten minutes. He smoked some more, but his mood didn't increase. Not like it had the first time. It had helped his muscles relax a bit but he was still on edge. Maybe some more will help. When he got home he sat on the porch steps. In a few minutes, his second cigarette burned out. So he lit up another. He stared up at the sky, relishing in the feeling the smoke was giving him. Thinking how it was worth it to ruin his lungs or whatever. When Sam pulled up and Dean saw his little brother's disappointed face he wasn't sure it was worth it. But at this point, he didn't care.

Chapter Text

"Let me repay the favor, Dean. Tell me what's wrong, and don't say nothing because your hands are shaking even as you smoke."

Dean looked down at his shaking hands and closed his eyes.

"I was leaving the bar, I hadn't had anything to drink yet. Benny said they were supposed to get more Makers Mark tomorrow. I heard a scream. Coming from an alleyway up ahead. Started running. Saw some ugly son of a bitch trying to undress a girl. Her name was Catherine. With a C. She goes to the same school as you. She's an English language arts major. You know her?"

Sam knew Dean was stalling, but he was talking, so he played along, "no doesn't sound familiar."

Dean nodded and blew out smoke, "I ran in and punched the guy and the girl got away. Told her to call the police. She did. They were pretty quick to come but not as quick as they could've."

Sam knew what Dean was saying, but in order to help his brother, he needed to know how messed up he felt. In order to know that he needed the truth, "what happened between the guy and you?"

"What do you think Sam," Dean answered too quickly.

Sam paused and spoke softly, "Dean."

Dean to a long drag of his cigarette and Sam waited patiently as he blew the smoke out. "It was a fight at first. Kicked him in the nuts. I thought I'd won so I let my guard down. He broke my nose and I couldn't see." Dean took a deep breath. "He grabbed my wrists. Slammed me against the wall. Said I was fuckable. Feminine. A whore. That I'd be just as good as the girl," Dean had started crying and his voice started cracking a little, "I told him I was gonna kill him. He said I'd never get the chance."

Tears silently fell down Sam's face.

Dean continued, "that's when to police showed up. The man was still holding me but he was distracted. So I pushed him off then I saw red. I started going off on the man's face. The cops pulled me off him. They took me down to the station."

"For what? Assault?" Sam asked.

Dean shook his head, "they just wanted my statement. Then I met Catherine and we talked. She's gonna be the one to press charges, but I'm gonna testify in court."

"That's good Dean, you can put that dick in jail this time."

"Yeah..."

"What is it?"

Dean took a couple of puffs of his cigarette before answering, "just... brings back memories."

Sam nodded, "Which ones?"

"All of them," Dean somberly laughed.

Sam waited a few minutes then asked, "you gonna stop smoking? After this."

"Yeah Sammy, just did it to make it easier to talk to you."

Sam looked at his brother, almost hurt. Dean didn't look over but he could feel Sam's stare.

"Not like that... Just talking about it, in general, is hard."

That seemed good enough for Sam. He stood up and brushed himself off.

"Goodnight Dean, don't stay out too late."

"Night."

Dean keeps his cigarette lit for as long as he can, but it inevitably goes out. He thinks about lighting up another. He still has one in his pocket that he saved. He didn't want to lie to Sam. It was just... a contingency plan. He decides against it and goes inside.

The same night.
Dean sprung up in his bed. He had had a nightmare about his sexual assault. The one that went a lot further than a kiss. Dean rubbed his eyes until he saw stars. He looked at the clock and sighed. It was 7 am and he was wide awake. He changed his clothes and picked up the one cigarette he had. He rolled it back and forth between his hands. No, he'd promised Sam. He pocketed it and yawned. He didn't want to wake up Sam so he decided to go for a walk.

The sun was already pretty high in the sky, so it wasn't cold out. He wasn't hungry but figure he should go eat. The town had a university in it so there was a Waffle House open nearby. The cigarette was heavy in his pocket. He ordered black coffee and two waffles with bacon and eggs. It's been a long time since he had Waffle House food and it was really good. He inhaled the waffles and eggs. Then relished in the bacon. The waitress got him another cup of coffee. He enjoyed the taste and the feel of caffeine, but now that he was finished eating, his mind went back to his nightmare. His hands twitched once he finished his second cup. He quickly signaled the waitress and she happily refilled it and took his plates away. He finished this cup quicker than the last and he couldn't stop his leg from bouncing. His thoughts were getting stuck in the past. The weight in his chest grew. No, he needed this. He threw down money for the food and walked out. He walked down the street and started flicking his lighter.

Dean was busy lighting his cig, but across the street, Cas was going for his morning run. He noticed Dean, but Dean's eye bags and body language told him it was not the time to reconnect. He continued his run and made a mental note to check in with Sam.

Back to Dean
He walked quickly as he sucked in on his cigarette. He weaved his way around town, careful to avoid his neighborhood. When it ran out, he snuffed out his cigarette and disposed of it. Sam would be up soon anyway. He made his way back home and sure enough, Sam was awake.

He was eating breakfast at the kitchen table.

"Morning," Dean said going to the fridge for something to drink.

"Morning," Sam replied, "couldn't sleep?"

"Nah, I went to Waffle House."

"That's it?" Sam was staring expectantly.

"Yeah needed to get me some bacon."

"Dean I can smell it. You were smoking."

Somehow Dean had forgotten about the smell, "oh."

"Oh? Dean, you handed over that box! So what you have a secret stash?"

"No! Look, Sam, I kept one in my pocket last night that's all, ok?"

"And how am I supposed to believe you, huh? You could be lying. For all I know you've been smoking in private for the last two months!"

"Sam please I- I was sober ok. But now I'm done, so you don't have to worry."

"How can I not worry, Dean?" Sam sounded so broken.

"Here," Dean took the lighter from his back pocket and handed it to Sam. He was fully intending to keep it in case he needed to smoke some more, but he could see his brother like this.

"Dean, I want you to go to Garth's on Saturday."

"What? Come on I-"

"Look, Dean. I know it's hard ok, and it's going to keep being hard. So please just go, at least until the court case is over."

"Sam I haven't been in like a year."

"Because you've been sober. At least mostly sober for the past couple of months."

"Yeah, exactly I've slipped up before but then I stop again."

"Yeah but it's different now."

"Why?"

"You know why. And I- I heard you, Dean. You had a nightmare, right? About Alistair?"

Dean didn't respond.

"We both would rather you go to the weekly meetings with Garth than being forced to be put in an inpatient rehab."

"Fine, I'll go. I've never had a secret stash, you know, like ever."

"I believe you and Dean, thank you."

Chapter Text

Dean pulled up to the church and put the Impala in park. Well, technically it was a church, but there were so many community events there and there weren't many Jesus statues, so Dean decided to think of it as more of a community center. It's been a long time since he's been to this rehab group. He was kinda nervous. He shook his head. He shouldn't be nervous, he's got nothing to prove. Dean saw a few familiar faces enter the building but he couldn't make himself go in yet. Finally, the meeting was going to start without him, so he got out of the car.

When he entered the meeting room, everyone was chitchatting in groups of two or three. Taking advantage of the free water and snacks. No one really noticed his presence until one familiar face spots him.

"Dean!" Garth called from across the room causing everyone to look towards the door. Dean's embarrassed but he can't help but smile. Garth was just such a small, warm and cuddly person.

"Good to see you, Garth," Dean reluctantly opened his arms and Garth hugged him tightly.

"So nice for you to join us, you're right on time," Garth turned to face the majority of the group, "alright everyone let's sit down now."

People file into the circle of chairs set up in the middle. That's when Dean spots him. Cas has his bright blue eyes staring at Dean. After a moment Dean looked away and found an open seat next to an unfortunately familiar man named Crowley.

Once everyone had settled in, Garth spoke again, "hello everyone. I know some of our veterans will remember him from last year, but since we have some new faces I think it's proper to have him introduce himself again."

Garth motion towards Dean who cleared his throat. "Hello everyone, I'm Dean and I was addicted to all kinds of drugs but I'm pretty much sober now so."

The group all welcomed Dean as custom. Dean was slouched in his seat, fiddling with his hands. A couple of people shared as Garth led the conversation with questions. Dean tuned it out until he heard the deep gravely voice of Castiel.

He was answering a question Garth had asked him, "no I didn't drink any. In fact, I'm four months sober today."

The group clapped and offered congratulations. Cas thanked them all then look right at Dean, who was staring at him. Dean gave a little smile and Cas couldn't help but smile back.

Dean tried to pay attention, but everyone's story blended together. He didn't really see the point in listening to other people's struggles. How was that supposed to help? A few other people share before Dean starts listening again.

"I've actually been good, well bad, but good in the sober way," the man next to Dean said.

"That's great to hear, Crowley," Garth smiled then looked at Dean, "Dean, would you like to share why you decided to come back?"

Dean sighed, "I'm back because my brother wants me to be."

"Well did something happen to make Sam want you to come?"

"Yeah but it's not actually a big deal. I smoked a couple of cigarettes, but it was just one day and it was only cigs so I'm back on the sobriety bandwagon."

"Well that's good to hear," Garth smiled at Dean, "did something happen to make you wanna smoke again?"

"Yup."

"What happened?"

"The thing is I don't really want to talk about it." Especially in front of all these people, god group therapy was dumb.

"Come on Dean, this is a safe place," Crowley said sarcastically.

"Crowley," Garth warned.

Dean glared at him, "really Crowley? If it's so safe then why are you lying?"

"What?" he asked, shocked.

"I know you Crowley, better than anyone here."

Cas looked at Dean with great interest.

Dean continued in a staring contest with Crowley, "you're not sober. In fact," Dean gave a little laugh, "you're high right now."

"Shut up," Crowley said through clenched teeth.

"Let's calm down now guys," Garth tried.

"I bet you haven't been able to go two hours without having to shoot up again huh."

"I said shut up!" Crowley barked and stood up.

Dean stood up too, "deny it all you want but you're not getting sober."

"Dean!" Garth stood up.

"Deny it all you want, but you'll always come crawling back to me, whore," Crowley spat.

"All right that's enough!" Garth got between the two boys.

"I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you!"

"You're right," Crowley smirked, "you wouldn't be here if it weren't for me."

"Sit down!" Garth yelled, "both of you."

Dean turned away, "It's fine Garth, I was just leaving."

"Dean, wait-"

But Dean didn't wait. He left the room and quickly left the building. The cool air was refreshing. Dean was struggling to breathe. He has kept it together in the room, but Crowley really knew how to get under his skin. Dean went to a small bench on the side of the church and tried to calm down. He squeezed his eyes shut but couldn't stop the tears from falling. Damn it. The number of times he's cried in the past couple of days was too high. Although Sam would probably say he should cry more. That thought gave him a quick smile. He focused more on Sam in order to ground himself. Once he was calm he realized he should probably apologize to Garth. He checked his watch and saw that the meeting would end in a couple of minutes. He waited on the bench as he saw some people, including Crowley, leave the building.

"Are you alright?"

Dean whipped his head around.

It was Cas. "Sorry didn't mean to startle you,"

"Don't worry about it," Dean smiled.

Even though Dean was sitting in the middle of the bench, Cas went to sit next to him. Dean scooted over without saying anything. They sat like that for a moment. Cas with perfect posture and Dean resting his elbows on his knees. Both just staring forward, both not knowing what to say.

Dean cleared his throat, "So what are you coming here for? I mean I heard you say you were what? Four months sober? Sorry, I just kinda tune the whole meeting out."

"I'm an alcoholic. I used to drink heavily every weekend. It got me fired from my last job. Ever since I've moved here, I've tried to stay sober. I never heavy drink anymore, but I still make myself reset when I have any drink."

"That's good, real good Cas. I'm proud of you. You're making sure you're not gonna relapse."

"I'm proud of you too Dean."

Dean scoffed, "for what?"

"Well you did make it to two months, and then when you smoked again you came back to the meetings."

Dean looked down, "well you shouldn't be proud of me for that. I'm like you, I've stopped the real heavy stuff after... after a time, but when I do have problems I don't want to come here. I'm only here 'cause Sam wants me to be. I don't really think these things work."

"Why not?"

"Sharing your super personal problems to all those people is impossible. You either lie or I don't know, really trust people."

"If you want you can share your problems with me."

Dean glanced over at Cas and realized the man was staring at him. "I don't want to dump my shit on you, Cas."

Cas stood up, "well I don't think of it like that. So if you should ever change your mind." He handed Dean a piece of paper with his number on it. Dean looked down at it and smiled. It's been so long since someone gave him their number on a piece of paper. When he looked up, Cas was gone. He entered Cas's number into his phone and stood up. Then he went inside to apologize to Garth. He was really cool with it and was glad Dean felt ok.

And when Dean got back into his car, his hands weren't shaking that much. He felt ok.

But that night, his nightmares brought him back.

He was in Hell, well Crowley's illegal club. The music was a solid pounding beat. There might have been song lyrics, but Dean didn't hear them. His day had been real shity and so he came to the club hoping for a quick high. There were so many people around. Whatever drugs that new guy gave him didn't do the trick. Bar on the right, the DJ on the left. Normally he was more careful with what drugs he was putting in his body, but not today. Dean's trying to focus. Stumbling from table to table. Whatever he took was fucking him up and not in a good way. He's bumping into people. He needed to find a dealer with the good stuff. So many people everywhere. Even more so now that the last drugs were taking him down. There was a sea of people on the dance floor. He finds himself in the bathroom. A guy hands him a pill. Acid. Good stuff. Could improve his mood. He's on the floor. Why's he on the floor. It's quiet here. No someone's talking. Someone else is also talking? No music though. He wasn't in the club. He was face down on the floor. Hardwood, covered in drool. Covered in vomit.

"Why was that not the first thing you did!?!"

He knew that voice.

He was being lifted up. He tried to help the big person carrying him but his legs fell out from under him. WALK he told his legs. His legs did not walk.

"Hey Dean, Dean!"

He grunted.

"We're gonna get you to the hospital ok?"

Hospital? He needed to go to the hospital? He tried to move, show this guy he was fine. His muscles were not cooperating.

Beeping. People talking. It reeked of vomit. Voices. Faces. Doctors. He was in a hospital? Darkness.

Quiet. Whispers. Steady beep. White walls. White floors. Tubes, IV. In his arm. He was in the hospital. Someone was grabbing his hand.

"Sammy?" he croaked out.

His bother's head shot up. He was crying but a smile spread across his face.

"Dean! You're awake, thank god."

"What happened?"

"You overdosed."

Dean looked at his brother confused.

"You don't remember? What's the last thing you remember?"

"I was..." he closed his eyes, "I was at Crowley's. I think something was laced. Then I- the bathroom... the floor, I-I don't, I don't-"

"Hey it's ok, you're ok Dean."

"Sammy," Dean's voice broke, "what happened?"

"You had a lot of different drugs in your system. It was too much. Crowley found you on the ground. He brought you next door into the brewery and called me," tears were flowing from Sam's eyes and he had to look away. "He said you might be dead. I asked him why he didn't call 911 right away. He said he didn't want to get arrested and he did more than anyone else would. He left as I struggled to get you in the car. I drove you straight to the hospital and they saved you."

"Sammy I'm sorry." Dean slammed his head back. "Sam! I'm sorry! I'm so so sorry. Sammy!"

"Dean it's ok-" Sam was looking down at him. It was dark now.

"Sammy?" He was older now.

"Yeah, I'm here Dean. It was just a dream." They were in his room.

"I'm sorry Sam, I'm sorry." It was a flashback.

"It's ok, Dean. I'm safe. You're safe. It was just a Dream."

Dean sat up and whipped his face with his hands. He took a few breaths as Sam sat down on the edge of the bed.

Dean couldn't look up at his brother. "Did I scream?"

Sam nodded. Dean knew this was an obvious question so he spoke again, "sorry for waking ya."

"What was the dream about?"

Dean fiddled with the edge of the blanket. God, he was such a child.

"My OD."

"Why?"

Why? It's not like he chose to dream about that. But he's not angry, instead, he scratched his head.

"Crowley is going to Garth's. I'm not going to go anymore."

Dean was expecting a protest, but at Sam's silence, he looked up.

His brother wasn't crying, but Dean could tell he wanted to.

"I'll be fine, Sam. Go back to bed."

"Dean-"

"Look I won't be able to go back to sleep if I know you're staying up because of me. I'll be fine." Dean managed a smile, "please, Sam."

Sam nodded as his shoulders dropped their tension. Sam went back to his room and fell asleep. The house was quiet once again. Dean didn't fall back asleep.

Chapter Text

Dean was driving to work in his baby. He was tired and in a groggy mood. He stopped at a stoplight and glanced to his right. Sitting on the bus stop bench was Crowley. He had a nasty cut on his cheek and a black eye to go with it. Dean smiled at Crowley's bruised face. He didn't know why, but he had a strange suspicion that Ao3 user Winter_Wolf101 was the one that punched him. Crowley was downright miserable. Dean turned on the radio. It was one of Dean's favorite Dennis DeYoung songs. He turned the volume up and started singing along. He was happy for the rest of his drive and even happier when Bobby let him play his music at work.

A few hours later...

Dean was in the shop fixing up the power steering in a BMW when his phone rings.

"No personal calls during work," Bobby jokes.

"Sure Mr. Sleep-through-two-appointments," Dean jeered back as he cleaned off his hands.

"It was one time!" Bobby complained.

"Yeah, whatever old man," Dean laughed as he picked up his phone. Sam had called him.

"Hey Sammy, what's up?"

"Hey Dean, do you have any plans tonight."

"I was probably going to go to some bar, I don't know. Why? That's a weird question."

"Well can we take you out for dinner?"

"We?"

Although it was a phone call, Dean could feel Sam's smile, "yeah, there's someone I want you to meet."

"Oh! Ok! How fancy are we talking here?"

Sam laughed, "not that fancy but please change out of your work clothes before you come. I'll text you the address."

"Alright will do. What time?"

"Well you get off at 5:30, so I was thinking 6?"

"Yeah that sounds good, just don't expect me to shower."

Sam rolled his eyes, "fine it'll be 6:30, and please shower."

"Sure thing. See you then."

"Yup, bye."

__________

Dean's only five minutes late, but he knows Sam's going to complain. The hostess lets him in and gestures to the left. Dean follows his hand and sees Sam. He's sitting next to a girl. He walked over with a smile on his face.

Sam looked up and greeted him, "Hi Dean. So uh, this is my girlfriend, Eileen Leahy. Eileen this is Dean."

The girl looked up at him, her voice sounded weird to Dean. "It's nice to meet you Dean. I'm deaf." She sighed deaf as she spoke.

"Well it's nice to meet you too," Dean sat down at the table and the waiter came over. He brought the boys a sprite and Eileen some orange juice.

"So just how crazy are you that you want to date my brother?" Dean asks smiling.

She laughs, "not as crazy as him I can promise you."

"I'm right here," Sam complain and they all laugh again.

"So are you pre-law too?"

"Actually yeah. I just transferred from nursing. Wasn't really my thing."

"Eileen and I met in class."

"Not math I hope because you're failing math."

Eileen smiled and glanced at Sam, who was rolling his eyes.

"No, and I'm not failing math anymore, thanks to your help."

"What are big brothers for? You have any siblings Eileen?"

"No, my parents died when I was a baby. I was raised by my grandma. I have cousins, but they're all really young. So what do you do for a living Dean?"

"I'm a mechanic. At singer's auto. I also fix up vintage cars in my spare time."

"Cool, what kind of car do you drive?"

Sam groaned, "Eileen no, now he won't shut up about it!"

A wide grin spread across Dean's face, "a 1967 Chevy impala. She's my pride and joy."

"A 327 four-barrel with 275 horsepower?"

Dean's jaw dropped, "no way, you're insane!"

"And not just because I'm dating your brother?"

"No, no, no. Barely anyone knows about my baby, how'd you know?"

"Sam picked me up in it once. I figured it was yours and so I researched it before I came here."

Even Sam was surprised. Dean threw his head back in laughter. It was a great to laugh after everything that's happened this week.

When things calmed down, Dean slapped Sam's back, "you got yourself a good one Sammy, don't go screwing it up."

"I know," Sam smiled at Eileen, "and I won't."

"Wait so how long have you been together?"

"Officially, only a couple of days," Sam answered.

"But Sam hasn't been able to keep his eyes off of me since I joined his class a month ago."

"Is taking classes hard? Sorry, I don't mean to be offensive but this school isn't for the hard of hearing so like how does class work?"

"Don't worry. Many people ask. I have an interpreter that comes to every class."

"What about like with Sam?"

"I'm trying to learn asl," Sam answered.

"He's pretty slow at it but it's ok I have hearing aids and I can read lips."

"Well, there's really only one sign you gotta know," Dean smirked and made the f sign with his right hand then put his other finger through it.

"Jesus Christ, Dean!" Sam got red as he pushed Dean's hands down. Eileen finds it hilarious and loved how flustered Sam is. She laughed and pointed at Sam's red face. They talk some more and then their food comes. The waiter turns out to be hard of hearing as well. He signs to Eileen after he put down the food. Eileen signed back and the waiter left.

"Hey wait I knew that sign!" Dean smiled as he put his pinkie to his cheek and flicked upwards, "juice right?"

"Yeah," Eileen laughed at Dean's enthusiasm.

"See Sammy? Easy."

Sam signed, it's not that easy dumbass.

Eileen chuckled. Dean glanced quickly at her then back to Sam. "Yeah, I don't know what the beginning was but you called me a dumbass and that's not cool bro," he took a bite of his burger, "not cool."

The rest of the dinner was filled with laughter as Dean and Eileen got to know each other better. Sam was glad because he really, really liked Eileen, even though they hadn't been dating long. When they were finished the waiter visited them and asked if they wanted any deserts.

"No thank you," Eileen said.

"Woah, strike number one girl," Dean pretended to be mad, "I'll take a slice of apple pie and get these two crazy kids one milkshake with two straws." The waiter nodded and left.

"Dean is obsessed with pie," Sam explains.

"No, I'm not obsessed I mean," Dean coughed as Sam raised his eyebrows at him, "ok fine at least pie is good for you."

"No, it's not!"

"Yeah, it has apples in it."

"Apples covered in sugar and baked in bread."

"Apples are a fruit."

"That doesn't make pie a fruit!"

"Last I checked you're in law school, not med school. Eileen you were gonna be a nurse, is APPLE pie a fruit."

Eileen bit her lip and glanced at Sam who was glaring at her not to say yes.

"Yeah it defiantly is," she laughed.

"Boom," Dean leaned back like he had won the world. Sam shook his head in defeat.

When desert came Dean happily ate his so-called fruit as Sam and Eileen shared the milkshake. It was corny but Dean thought it was nice seeing the two of them act all cute together. When they're finished eating Dean insists on paying the bill. They go outside and Eileen and Dean hug. He gives them some space and Sam and Eileen have a quick kiss. Eileen gets in her car and Dean drives Sam home.

"I like her Sam," Dean said looking away from the road and at his brother, "and I really mean that."

Sam has a huge smile on his face, "Thanks, Dean, that means a lot." They didn't say anything else but they were both thinking of John and if he would've approved of Eileen. Sam decided that he didn't care. Dean was his family. That reminded him of something.

"Hey Dean," Sam said.

"Yeah?" Dean grunted.

"I um found something, in the glove compartment the other day."

Dean felt a buzz in the back of his head. He was pretty sure he knew what Sam had found, but he didn't want to say it if it was wrong, "What was it?"

"A pin. A purple, blue, pink flag pin. Is that yours?"

"Charlie gave it to me."

"It's the bisexual pride flag."

"Yup."

"God, Dean do I need to spell it out for you, are you bi?"

Dean didn't respond, tightening his grip on the wheel. He looked over at Sam, his little brother Sam, and saw no hate in his eyes. Only curiosity.

"I think so, Sammy. I mean, there's so many labels out there."

"That's totally fine Dean. You could've told me."

"I know I could've it's just... It's still hard to say."

"Did I make it hard to -"

"NO! No, Sammy, it was just 'cause dad-"

"I would never-"

"I know! I mean, I know you'd never hate me or whatever, but it still feels like a big thing to tell you. So that's why I never did."

"I understand Dean. Thanks for finally telling me."

"Well, you practically forced me to."

Sam laughed, "Only because you were dodging the subject ok?"

"Bu-wha-hey I was not dodging the subject!"

"Sure, sure. Just next time you bring someone home, it's whatever, I'm cool with it."

"Only because you finally found someone that's willing to actually put up with you."

"What! You jerk!"

"Bitch."

Chapter Text

It's been two weeks since Cas gave Dean his number, but Dean hasn't reached out.

Cas was in his house in the living room. He lived alone in a small one-bedroom house with a garden in the back. Cas had just finished eating dinner and was getting comfy on his couch in order to read. His phone pings on the coffee table. Someone texted him but he doesn't have their number saved.

Can I call you?

                                    Who is this?

Sorry it's Dean Winchester

                                   Yes, you can call me.

What did Dean want? Cas thought as he clicked accept.

"Hello, Dean."

"Hey Cas, I hope it's not a bad time..."

"It's fine, I just finished dinner and was about to start reading."

"Really, what book?"

"The play Twelfth Night by Shakespeare."

"That's fun. What you have for dinner?"

"Um, some salmon. Dean are you alright?" Cas sat up straighter, Dean was talking slow and sounded upset.

"Yeah, why?"

"It's just... these are very strange questions. Especially considering this is the first time we've ever called."

"I just wanted to talk to you."

"Dean where are you right now?"

"..."

"Dean?"

"Yeah I heard you, it's just..."

"Dean I'm getting worried."

"I was hoping maybe I could take you up on your offer, on talking about my problems. If it's still on the table... and I don't know, it's easier to talk on the phone."

"Of course you can talk to me. If you don't want to talk in person that's fine, I won't track you down, but please tell me where you are Dean. I just want to make sure you're safe."

"I'm safe, Cas, I'm at the junkyard." It was the truth. Dean was sitting on the ground leaning up against a vintage car.

"Thank you, Dean," he felt his shoulders relax, "Now, what do you wanna talk about?"

"Well, it's a long story, I don't really want to go into detail, but I have to go to court tomorrow. I'm not in trouble I'm just," he took a shaky breath, "I'm testifying on a case."

"And that's causing you a lot of stress."

"Yeah," Dean spoke soft and slow, "I don't know if I can do it."

"Well this case seems important to you, I'm sure it'll be worse if you miss it."

"It's so damn important to me, Cas. I wanna do it to help Catherine. I won't let- Nobody should ever- We have to win this case."

"Is the jury leaning in your favor?"

"They should be, I mean, there are multiple witnesses, and when I testify, there's no question we'll win it."

"Then there's no need to worry."

Dean let out a bitter laugh, "that's not the part I'm worried about."

"Then what is?"

"..."

"Dean, whatever it is, you need to get it off your chest, you called me for a reason."

"Ever since... the day this happened, I knew I would have to go to court and-" Dean held his breath to stop a sob from coming out. When he continued his voice was cracked, "and I've been getting flashbacks. To when I was younger. When I had to testify in a similar case. Except I was the plaintiff. And the case was a lot worse. And throughout the hearing, I was trapped in my own head. I just kept replaying the night over and over. I had been constantly crying for weeks before because of it. But when it was finally time to get on the stand, I was emotionless. It was like I wasn't even there. The lawyers asked questions and I answered and the next thing I know the jury had their verdict." Dean put the phone down. He couldn't even hold it anymore, his hands were shaking.

Cas waited on the other end of the line. Not wanting to interrupt and say the wrong thing.

Dean tried to regain his composure, but he couldn't. He tried and he couldn't.

"Thanks, Cas. I got to go."

"Dean wait!"

Dean hung up the phone. He brought his knees to his chest and leaned forward. He was violently sobbing. He slammed his fists into the ground. He pursed his lips to try and breathe better but they were tingling and he couldn't make himself do it. He felt his mind solely drift away from his convulsing body. He was being sucked into a memory. And then he was there.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" John screamed grabbing the boy's shoulders.

"Dad please I-" Dean was crying.

"YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE."

"Dad," it came out as a whimper.

"WHAT KIND OF MAN ALLOWS THAT TO HAPPEN HUH? AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK NOW THAT YOU MADE IT ALL UP?"

"Dad I didn't-"

"YOU'VE WASTED ALL OUR MONEY. DO YOU WANT SAM TO STARVE IS THST IT?"

"No I-"

John slapped him, "STOP CRYING BOY."

"Dean breathe." The voice sounded far away. Where was he? He felt a hand on his back. It was rubbing small circles. He was leaning over. The hand was on his back. He was crying.

"Breathe, just breathe."

Dean recognized the voice. "Cas?" He chocked out.

"Yes Dean, I'm here. You're safe."

He couldn't breathe. All he could do was suck in air. He needed to breathe out. He forced his fists to unclench.

"That's good Dean. You're ok."

He forced himself to breathe out. In then out. In 1 2 3. Out 1 2 3.

"That's it. Breathe."

Dean swallowed painfully, "Cas, how'd you get here so fast?"

"I drove. It wasn't that fast, I live on the other side of town," Cas was kneeling in front of him.

"Cas, the jury they- we lost the case," he took a deep breath in, "they didn't believe me." Dean locked eyes with Cas, "no one believed me."

"Sam believes you and I'm sure if you told me what happened I'd believe you."

"If it weren't for the flashbacks, I wouldn't believe me either. That's why I have to go to court. Put that son of a bitch in jail. I won't let what happened to me happen to Catherine."

"You've already helped her so much."

Dean shook his head and put his hands on his face. Cas sighed and sat next to Dean against the car. Their shoulders were touching but Dean liked the pressure. It helped to remind him that someone was there. They sat in silence for a moment, and it was nice not having to make eye contact.

"What if I break down? What if I can't do it?" Dean asked in a whisper.

"Sam will be-"

"No."

"What?"

"I- Sam's not coming." Dean bit his lip.

"Why not? You've told him right?"

"Yeah he knows but he doesn't know that I'm testifying tomorrow."

"Why didn't you tell him?"

"He's got a big math test that day. He's just getting his grade back up, he can't miss it. If I told him he'd either make sure he was right there with me, or he would be too distracted to do well. I can't let him worry about me, not at the expense of his education."

"Do you want me to come with you?"

Dean looked at Cas in surprise. He spoke softly, "you'd do that for me?"

Cas's reply was equally soft, "of course."

"What about work?"

"I only have one class tomorrow, I can cancel it."

"That's too much, Cas. I- you still barely know me."

"I know enough to care about you," Cas said it without thinking, this was not the time to think like that. He can't take advantage of Dean in this low time, "I know enough to see how important this is to you and I want to help."

"I don't know, I'll probably be really out of it tomorrow."

"And you have every right to be. So please," he put his hand on Dean's arm, "let me help you."

"Ok Cas," Dean breathed out, barely audible. He leaned over and rested his head on Cas's shoulder. Cas didn't say anything. He just sat there, twiddling his thumbs ever so slightly.

Dean was silently crying now. He appreciated Cas. So much. Cas had the heart to come find him after he hung up and he was willing to cancel a class just to be with him. Cas barely knew him, but he was there for him. As he sat there leaning against Cas, he cried. It wasn't the painful suffocating cry like before. It was the smooth and silent cry that just let your body release.

Cas pov
When Dean rested his head on his shoulder, he debated putting his arm around him. He decided against it because he wasn't sure what kind of comfort Dean needed right now. So instead he puts his hands on his lap. He lets his eyes wander around the junkyard. The work table has a cooler under it and a box of tools on top. He feels a cool sensation on his shoulder. Careful not to disturb Dean, he looks down at him. Dean's crying again, but it's not a panic attack, so Cas pretends he doesn't see it. He continued staring forward at letting his mind think. He began planning his next lessons and how his canceled class tomorrow would affect his teaching schedule. Dean's breath becomes more steady and even. Cas carefully looks at him once again and sees that he's sleeping. He smiled. He was glad Dean could get some sleep. It sure looked like he needed it.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed, if he was just zoned out or if he'd fallen asleep too, but he jolted when Dean's phone went off. Dean sat up and checked his phone. San was calling. Still sitting on the ground, Dean answered.

"Hey Sammy."

Dean are you alright! Cas could hear Sam's worry through the phone.

"Yeah, I'm good. On my way home now."

Where are you? What happened?

"Relax, man. Look I fell asleep at the junkyard. Sorry to keep you up."

It's fine Dean I'm studying, I just wanted to make sure you're ok.

"Yeah I'm good, be home in ten," he hung up the phone and sighed.

"Can you give me a lift home?" Dean asked standing up and offering out a hand.

Cas took it and stood up, "of course."

They drive home in a comfortable silence. The only sound was Dean telling Cas when to turn. They pulled up to the curb and Dean hopped out. Cas rolled down the window and Dean turned back.

"I'll see you tomorrow Dean."

Dean smiled, "good night Cas."

Chapter Text

Dean was waiting outside. He was pacing back and forth on the porch. He had managed to keep his anxiety down around Sam, but that was probably because Sam was too preoccupied with his own anxiety about his test to notice. When Sam left, he changed into a tux. As the time crept closer Dean couldn't sit still. He connected his AirPods to his phone and put his rock playlist on shuffle. Finally, Cas pulls up in his blue crv. Dean got in the passenger seat and put his AirPods back in their case.

"Hey, Cas."

"Hello Dean, would you like to connect your phone and play music?"

Dean paused, a little embarrassed at first, but he knew it would help him stay calm, "yeah thanks."

"Def Leppard?" Cas asked pulling the car out.

"Yeah, classic rock is my favorite. Helps me stay calm."

Cas nodded and they continued. Things were good. Dean was humming the music and staying in the moment as Cas drove.

"Fuck!" Dean yelled as his eyes widened.

"What? What is it?" Cas said urgently.

"I need-" Dean was starting to hyperventilate, "I need, Cas." Dean reached his hand over towards Cas while the other garbed aimlessly at his chest.

Cas immediately pulled over and took Dean's hand, "talk to me, Dean."

"A rubber band. I need a rubber band. Turn around," Dean clenched his eyes close, "I need to go back."

"I'm sure I have one in the car. Give me a minute."

Dean was breathing heavily, he was trying to look through the glove box but the tears in his eyes made it difficult to see.

"Dean I found one, just breathe."

Dean reached a shaking hand out and took the rubber band. He blew out forcefully and took a deep breath. He did it again. Then, to Cas's surprise, Dean started laughing.

"It's just such a small thing," Dean shook his head, "and I was freaking out and looking back I," he chuckled to himself, "I don't know I just overreacted."

"You just needed an emotional release. Why was the rubber band so important?"

"I just wanted something to fidget with and a rubber band is the most inconspicuous thing so."

"See, everything works out in the end." Cas pulled back onto the road.

"Yeah," Dean smiled.

A minute later, Dean speaks again, "hey Cas, I never really got to thank you. For yesterday and now today. I really didn't want to get my brother involved. He worries about me enough."

"Of course Dean, I promised I would help you at the church and I meant it."

"Yeah, that's actually why I called you," Dean stretched the rubber band in his hand, "I was on my way to this dealer I know. I told Sam I was going for a walk to clear my head but he saw right through it. He made me leave all my money at home. I was still gonna go. I knew he would still give me some acid if I- if I did stuff. Stuff I didn't want to do. So thank you, for stopping me from going down that road again."

"Anytime you need me," Cas said looking over, "I'll be there for you."

"I know you will, Cas." They sat in comfortable silence the rest of the way. Dean cued up the Eye of the Tiger and closed his eyes.

They pull up to the back of the courthouse parking lot and find an empty space.

"Do you want me to come in with you? Or should I wait in the car?"

Dean pulled the rubberband between his hands before sliding it on his wrist. "Let's go in."

Cas nodded. He was wearing his normal teaching clothes and a trench coat. They weren't the fanciest but he figured it was fine for just sitting in court.

They walked around the building side by side. When the entrance came into view, Dean stuck his arm out in front of Cas. They stopped. There was a group of five men in front of the court. They had two signs saying 'free Carl Thompson'

Dean turned to Cas, "what are they doing here?"

"Is Carl Thompson the man who-"

"Yes, and they got the news's attention look."

Cas looked and Dean was right. A local news station was set up to film.

"That isn't right."

"Cas I need you to," Dean looked down, "I need you to take me in there, ok? Don't let me stop. Don't let me turn around."

Cas nodded, "no matter what happens."

Dean looked up, face hardened, and started walking forward. Cas was close behind him. While one man was talking to the reporter, the rest of the group noticed Dean and Cas's approach.

"You guys here for Thompson's case?" one asked.

"You'll be defending him right?" another said stepping in front of the two men forcing them to stop.

"Move," Dean said starring at man number two.

"Come on brother," a third man said, "Carl's a good guy, he'd never do anything like this."

"Get out of our way," Cas said in a firm voice.

"Hold on a second," the fourth one said getting closer, "you're the asshole making this all up aren't ya. Yeah, you are, why you gotta ruin his life."

Dean clenched his fists, but before anything could happen, Cas grabbed the back of his upper arm. He stepped in front of Dean and put his arm out. He forced the man blocking their path to move. The news camera was now pointed at the group of men, suspecting a commotion to occur, so the mob backed off. Cas guided Dean into the building.

Once they were inside, Cas removed his hand, "we're safe now."

"That's gotta be illegal or something," Dean mumbled.

"America will always defend protestors, even at places such as these."

"The jury gets protection, but if witnesses get protection I'd have to throw my life away," Dean wasn't really talking to Cas, but Cas was still listening and trying to comfort Dean.

"There's only five of them, and with the cameras, they can't do anything."

Dean nodded. He took the rubber band off his hand and started weaving it around with his right hand. They made their way to a briefing room where Catherine and her lawyers were waiting.

When he saw Catherine, Dean smiled. He remembered why he was doing all this.

"Dean, so good to see you," Catherine smiled and gave Dean a quick hug.

"You too Catherine," he gestured to Cas, "this is my friend Castiel Novak."

"You're a math professor right?" Catherine laughed awkwardly.

"Yes I am, but I don't believe you've ever been my student."

"Yeah, no. I've just seen you around."

Cas nodded. One of the lawyers, Gina Sheppard, cleared her throat.

"I know we've been through this already, but we should probably go over the questions Dean, and what the defendant might ask in the cross."

"Best to be prepared," Dean smiled to cover how nervous he felt.

Soon he was sitting in the courtroom next to Cas, unable to sit still. He wasn't going to be up right away. He knew that. But the ceremonial court stuff seemed to last forever. He used the rubber band and made it into a star. Then he just stretched the band back and forth.

Then he heard it. He was being called to the stand. He could feel everyone's eyes piercing through him as he approached the court.

"Please raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?" The bailiff asked.

God has nothing to do with it, Dean thought, but he spoke without hesitation, "I do."

"You may be seated."

"Prosecution may begin questioning the witness," Judge Micheal said.

Gina stood up and walked over to the stand. "So Dean," she began, "tell me where you were that night."

"I was leaving the bar, Purgatory, at around 10:30."

"So we're you drunk?"

"No, I hadn't drank anything yet."

"Why not? You went to a bar."

"I had just arrived and when I asked for my favorite drink, Makers Mark, the bartender told me they were all out. So I left to go to a different bar."

"Then what happened?"

"I heard a scream."

"Catherine's scream?"

"Yes," Dean clenched his fists.

"So, like any concerned person, you ran towards the scream to see what was wrong."

Dean nodded, his throat was dry.

"And what did you see?"

"I saw Carl pinning Catherine to the wall. His elbow across her throat. The other hand trying to unbutton her shorts."

"And to you, this looked non-consensual?"

"Objection! Leading the witness," the defense attorney, Lucifer exclaimed.

"Sustained. Please rephrase your question, Mrs. Sheppard," Judge Michael said.

"Forgive me, your honor. Dean, how would you describe Catherine's demeanor?"

"Terrified. She was crying, begging someone to save her."

"And that's when you ran in and punched the defendant."

"Yes."

"Then what happened?"

"I told Catherine to run and call 911. And she did. She got away," Dean took a deep breath, "and then me and Carl started to fight. He got me in the nose and I couldn't see."

"And then?"

"He grabbed my wrists and slammed me against the wall."

"Is this when things turned sexual?"

"Yes. He kissed down my neck."

"Did he say anything to you?"

"Yes," Dean answered quietly.

"I know it's hard to relive this moment, but what did he say to you?"

Dean glanced over at Carl, sitting in the defendant's chair. He was glaring at him. Someone that gave him energy. He has to get him in jail. "He said I had long lashes, thick lips," Dean cleared his throat, "he said I was 'just as fuckable as that whore.'" Dean used air quotes.

"Did anything else happen?"

"No, that was when the police showed up."

"Thank you, Dean. No further questions your honor."

"Defense you may now question the witness," Judge Michael said.

Lucifer stood up, "thank you, your honor." He walked over to the stand and smirked, "this isn't your first time, is it Dean?"

"W-what?" Dean glanced over at Mrs. Sheppard.

"Well, you've to court before. For rape. Isn't that correct?"

Dean was breathing shallowly, "I mean yes but-"

"Do you remember the result of that case?"

"Objection! Relevance!" Mrs. Sheppard stands up.

The judge turned to Lucifer, "Mr. Lucifer do you have any relevance here."

"Yes your honor I do," the corner of Lucifer's mouth twitched, "Testing the credibility for the witness."

Judge Michael paused for a second and nodded, "overruled. Witness will answer the question."

Dean clenched his teeth.

"I'll repeat the question. Do you remember what the jury ruled on the case?"

"Yes," Dean said through clenched teeth.

"And what was it."

"Not guilty."

"Not guilty, exactly. Nothing ever happened. You made it up."

"I didn't-"

"If the witness lied in a past case how do we know he's not lying again."

"Why would I make it up?" Dean cried out, louder than he meant.

"Oh you know," Lucifer leaned in close to Dean, "attention, money... pleasure."

Dean clenched his fists. There was a ringing in his ears.

"Objection! Badgering the witness," Mrs. Sheppard said.

Dean was breathing hard.

"Sustained," Judge Michael nodded, "Mr. Lucifer do you have any pertaining questions."

There was a ringing in Dean's ears.

"Yes, your honor. Now Dean how the when new the to we go?"

Dean just stared at Lucifer. He was having trouble processing everything and staying in the moment. This time he saw Lucifer's lips moving but he didn't hear any words come out.

"I-I don't.." Dean was starting to panic. He looked around and got caught on the piercing blue eyes of Castiel. He had tunnel vision as Cas nodded at him. It's ok, breathe, Cas mouthed to him.

He took a deep breath and looked back at Lucifer, "can you repeat the question?"

"I said, you claimed to be sober when this supposedly happened?"

"Yes."

"You want us to believe that you, someone who had to be checked in to an inpatient rehab center. Went to a bar alone, and then left without drinking or smoking anything?"

"Yeah, I was sober."

"You are under oath, Mr. Winchester."

"You can ask the bartender Benny, I didn't order anything."

"Oh, we will," Lucifer narrowed his eyes, "no further questions your honor."

"Thank you Mr. Winchester you may step down."

Dean did, nodding to Catherine as he passed by. When he sat down he realized he'd been holding his breath. He steadied his breathing, but his mind was still fuzzy. He knew he was in the courtroom and yet he couldn't hear what was going on. He saw the courthouse around him. The judge, the lawyers, Catherine, Carl. He was there but his mind wasn't. It was just watching. Watching him sit there as it all went down. Get your rubber band. Right. He looked down and took the rubber band off his wrist. He stretched it a few times and weaved it around, but he couldn't get into it. He just held it with two hands and started at it. After a moment he closed his eyes and put it back on his wrist.

Then Cas took Dean's hand and squeezed it. He whispered in Dean's ear, "It'll all be over soon. The jury is making the decision right now."

Dean nodded, keeping his eyes closed. Cas loosened up on Dean's hand but before he could pull away, Dean squeezed tighter. So Cas stayed as he was. Holding Dean's hand.

Cas was doing exactly what Dean needed. Squeezing his hand made him feel more connected. Reminded him he was physically in the courtroom. This courtroom, for Catherine's case against Carl. He didn't know how much time was passing, he just kept his eyes closed and focused on his breathing. In 1 out 2 in 3 out 4 in 5 out 6 in 7 out 8 in 9 out 10 in 1 out 2 in 3 out 4 in 5

"Dean, the jury is coming back out," Cas whispered.

Dean opened his eyes and all the members of the jury were back. The foreman of the jury remained standing.

"Have you reached a verdict?" The judge asked

"We have, your honor," the foreman replied.

"Will the defendant please stand. You may read the verdict"

"We the jury find the defendant, Carl Thompson, guilty of all charges."

"So say you all?" the judge asked.

"Yes, your honor." The rest of the jury says.

Dean feels light-headed, but he smiled.

Judge Micheal and the bailiff said some official things didn't make that much sense to Dean. He tuned it out and squeezed Cas's hand tighter.

Finally, everyone stood as the judge left, then people began filing out. Dean let go of Cas and started walking out.

When they got out the front door Dean stopped walking. Cas came up beside him and saw what was going on. Apparently, Carl's friends were really riled because more news stations were broadcasting in front of the courthouse.

Dean grabbed onto Cas's arm, "I need to go, now."

Cas understood. Dean didn't want to talk to anyone. He walked quickly. Leading Dean along the edge of the building, trying to keep their heads down. It didn't work. Suddenly, there were three reporters showing microphones in Dean's face. There were also three cameras, three camera operators, and around five other guys, probably just trying to get their five seconds of fame, crowding around Dean. It was too much. Too much, he couldn't process it all happening at once. He held on to Cas's arm tighter. He feels so overwhelmed, so overcrowded. Then they start backing off. Someone was forcing their way in between Dean and the mob. It was Sam. Dean tried to get himself to calm down and acknowledge Sam, but he couldn't. Just keep walking. Hold on to Cas. One foot in front of the other. Sam managed to keep the group away for long enough until a new participant left the building. Then the crowd ran over to them. Sam led Cas (who led Dean) back to the impala. They sit Dean down in the passenger seat.

Sam's upset but knows that Dean is overwhelmed, so he gives Dean space. Instead, he turned to Cas.

"Profesor Novak, um, what are you doing here, I mean thank you but..."

"Dean asked me to come."

"He did? When?"

"Last night."

"What? I thought you guys barely knew each other. What happened?"

Cas gave his best summary while trying to protect Dean's privacy. He started with their talk at Garth's and ended with their talk at the junkyard.

"God, I knew he was messed up last night, but damn if you didn't... thank you, professor."

"Of course, Sam," Cas gave a small smile, "and you can call me Castiel if you'd prefer."

"I uh-"

"Sam!" Dean called with his head still in his hands.

Sam turned away from Cas and took a few urgent steps back to his brother, "yeah Dean?"

"Sammy, what the hell? You had your math test today!"

"What the hell me? No, what the hell you! Why didn't you tell me you were testifying today?"

Dean looked up at Sam, voice soft, almost embarrassed, "I didn't want you to miss your math test."

Sam's hard gaze softened, even facing his greatest fear, Dean was concerned about one of Sam's math tests.

"Dean-"

"Did you miss it?"

"No, I finished and then saw this on the news and ran over here."

Dean relaxed his shoulders, "good. that's good. That grade's going to keep going up."

"Dean, why didn't you tell me?"

Dean looked down at his feet, "it wasn't like I don't trust you, I do. I just, I don't know... you had that math test and I knew you would miss it for me and I didn't want you to fail because I couldn't handle my problems."

"This is a huge thing, I don't expect you to be able to shoulder it alone. Especially... you were really messed up last night, something could've happened."

"Well I thought I could handle it and I, well I did handle it. I called Cas, didn't I? I didn't end up doing anything I regretted!"

"And I'm glad, honestly. I-" Sam sighed then gave a small smile, "I am glad Dean, you did it. You won the case."

Dean stared up at his brother, "I did, didn't I" he smiled for a moment the got serious, "oh shit, Cas." He got out of the car.

Cas had just been standing there. Awkwardly watching the brothers in silence.

"Cas, man, I can't thank you enough," Dean opened his arms and hugged Cas.

Cas hugged him back, "of course, Dean. Anytime."

"Thanks for looking out for my brother, professor," Sam added with a wave.

"You're welcome, Sam." Cas then turned away and walked to his car.

"You wanna drive?" Sam asked holding out the keys to the car.

"Naw, not right now," Dean said much to Sam's surprise.

"Oh well ok, wanna go out to eat someplace? A bar?"

"No, I just want to go home." Dean got into the car.

Sam froze for a second. He told himself that Dean was fine. It was just a long day. He'd be back to himself tomorrow. He got in the driver's seat and brought them home. Dean was silent the whole drive. He was just staring at the window, watching the scenery go by, tears slipping down his face.

Chapter Text

Sam pov
Something was wrong with Dean. Something was very wrong. But Sam had no idea what it was. He tried asking Dean, but was shut down instantly. It wasn't like Dean was staying out all night getting drunk. In fact, he was staying away from drugs. Dean just... wasn't doing anything.  He made meals every once in a while, but he never seemed to enjoy them. He just picked at his food. Whenever they did talk, it was always about Sam. When Sam asked Dean about his day, Dean said it was normal, just like any other day, uneventful, and then change the topic of the conversation.

After about a week of this, Bobby called.

"Hey Bobby," Sam said answering his phone.

"Hey Sam, is Dean with ya?"

"No, I'm at Eileen's place. Is everything ok?"

"Well, you tell me, Sam. Dean's not on drugs again is he?"

"No, he's been clean for the past few weeks, but he's been acting different right? That's why you called?"

"Yeah he was definitely acting weird a few days ago, but he hasn't been showing up to work. I've tried calling but never get an answer."

"He- he hasn't been at work?"

"No, he didn't tell you?"

"No, he..." Sam took a deep breath, "thanks for calling Bobby."

"Yeah, keep me updated, son."

"Will do."

Sam hung up the phone and shakily ran his hands across his face and hair. Eileen walked into the room and set a bowl of chips on the table. When she saw Sam, she sat down next to him and hugged him.

"What's wrong?" She signed.

"Dean," Sam signed back, using the sign name Eileen had given him.

"Let me guess, he doesn't want to talk about it."

"Yeah, he's been in a weird mood lately and that was Bobby, Dean's boss at the shop."

"What?"

"He hasn't been going to work."

"Well, what are you going to do?"

"I'm not sure, when I try to help him, he just pulls away. Maybe... no that's stupid."

"What?"

"Well before the trial, Dean reached out to Professor Novak because he didn't want to stress me out. So..."

"Maybe Dean will talk to him."

"Yeah, I think. I really think that will work. I'm going to-" he stood up, "shit I'm sorry, we're supposed to-"

"Sam, it's ok. Go now. This is important."

"God, I love you," he gave her a quick kiss, "thanks for understanding!" He yells as he runs out of the room. Eileen's apartment was right on the edge of campus so it was only a quick 5-minute walk to Castiel's office. He froze for a second in front of the office door, he wasn't really sure what he was going to say. Then he knocked.

"Come in," Castiel said from inside.

Sam opened the door, stepped inside, then closed it behind him.

"Hello, Sam, please sit down. Is everything ok?"

"I'm fine," Sam sat down, "actually, this is about Dean."

Cas straightened his back, "what's the matter?"

"Well, ever since the trial, he's been pretty depressed. I don't know, he's just lost interest in everything and I just found out he's stopped going to work."

"He what? Have you tried talking to him?"

"I've tried but he won't talk to me. Last time he went to you for help. So do you think you could, maybe, talk to him?"

"You think that will help?"

"You know what, I do, Professor."

Cas nodded, "Then I'll text him. See what I can do."

The stress dropped from Sam's shoulders, "thank you."

Cas pov
As soon as Sam left Cas took out his phone. He stared at the blinking blue line not sure what to say. He's interrupted as an alarm starts going off on his phone. 🚨 class 🚨 shows up on the screen. That's right, Cas has a class to teach in 20 minutes. If he got Dean to open up, then he'd have to leave him out to dry while he taught. He could never do that to Dean and he can't cancel his class. It hits him. He'd smiled to himself as he texts Dean.

                                 Can you come to my office in 20 minutes?

Is everything ok Cas?

                                 Yes, no worries, I just want to talk.

Um alright if it's not urgent, can it wait a bit? I'm working on a car right now.

                                 That's fine. How long do you think you'll be?

About an hour.

                                  Perfect. Text me when you get here!😁

Dean's pov
Dean put his phone down and stared at the beer in his hand. He sloshed the drink around for a moment then downed the rest like a shot. He was working on fixing up a motor on a 1970 Ford Mustang Boss 302. It wasn't his favorite looking car, but when the engine was fixed up right, man could she purr. He'd been putting off working on it, but now that he started it, he didn't want to leave it unfinished. He drank through another beer as he installed the fixed up motor. He texted Cas he was on his way and Cas responded with an emoji.

Soon, he was in front of Cas's office door. He knocks but there was no response. He texts Cas.

I'm here, where are you?

I'm not in my office. Come to the lecture hall. From my office, it's down the hall take a left. Then it's the first door on your right. Room 108.

Dean read Cas's text and stared for a moment. It wasn't that strange of a request, but Cas was acting a little different. He walks down the hallway and turns. He finds the door easily. He isn't sure if he should knock or not, but he hears Cas talking inside. He decides to just walk in. He stops. The lecture hall was full. Cas was teaching a class right now.

"Wha-"

"Ah, just the man I was waiting for," Cas sends a huge smile in Dean's direction but he's talking towards the students.

Dean walks over next to Cas and talks quietly, "Cas what's going on?"

The students were whispering amongst themselves, some giggles that Dean ignored.

"Well, the class and I need your help."

"You need my help? With what?"

"This problem," Cas raises his arm up showing the whiteboard.

Dean notices the work on the board for the first time. It's a long differential equation.

"You're a math professor, I'm sure you can figure it out," Dean gave a little smirk. This comment earned him laughs from the students and a smile from Cas.

"Yes, that's not the problem. You see, for some reason. My students are confused and not understanding the way I'm teaching it. I was hoping you could give us a fresh perspective."

"Uhh, sure Cas." Dean actively looked at the board and started doing the problem in his head. Once he's sure of his approach, he starts lecturing.

Um, I'm not a math genius so I don't actually know what Dean will say ahaha but basically, he's doing the problem out while writing out his work and saying what he's doing. He also uses a method that is like a short cut and makes the problem much simpler.

"So yeah, hope that makes sense," Dean turned to the class and smiled.

The class stared back at him. Some were feverishly writing this down. Others were simply sitting there, letting the information sink in. His eyes scanned the class and found a familiar face in the last row. Charlie was sleeping in the back corner, drooling on her notebook.

"Dude, who are you?" a young guy said from the front row.

"And where'd you learn to do that?" Another person said.

Dean chuckled, "Not to tell you that you wasted all your money, but I never went to college. I'm actually a mechanic."

"You're such a genius," a girl said. Then she and her friends giggled.

"Alright class," Cas sighed, giving a slight glare at the group of laughing girls, "I'm glad Dean was able to clear up any confusion. If you have any questions you're welcome to stay, the rest of you can leave a few minutes early."

The class all started talking as the students began packing up their computers and notebooks.

Dean smiled and shook his head when he saw Charlie jump up at all the sound. He was about to walk over to her when a group of girls stopped him.

The girl who called him a genius spoke for the group, "so Dean, where do you work?"

"Singer's auto. I also refurbish vintage cars for private clients."

"Wow, that's so cool."

"Yeah, you into cars?"

"My dad has a 1926 Bentley that he taught me to clean up."

"A London car, nice. Oh, would you excuse me?" He put his hand on her shoulder for a moment then walked around the group of girls. "Charlie!" he said throwing his arms out.

"Dean? What are you doing here?" she asked giving him a hug.

The girl flirting with Dean rolled her eyes as she and her friends left.

"Actual I was teaching the class, which you would know if you went sleeping."

"Dude," she punched his arm. She glanced at Castiel who, thankfully, was talking with a different student, "keep your voice down. Besides, I already know this stuff."

"Yeah? Even the shortcut I used?"

Charlie analyzed the board for a moment, "of course! Who would want to make the equation more difficult."

"No, yeah. That's good, good. You sure you're getting enough sleep though?"

"Of course I am, last night was an exception, don't worry. There was an online roleplay event last night so I stayed up later than normal. This class is boring anyway."

"Alright just don't make a habit out of it, you hear me?"

"Yeah, yeah. Thanks, dad."

"Take care of yourself, Charlie."

"Right back atcha," she smiled and left.

Soon, all the students left and it was just Dean and Cas.

"So is that really why you wanted me to come?" Dean asked.

Cas shuffled his feet, "well, yes. It's been a while since we talked and I wanted to make sure you were ok."

"I'm fine," Dean said, maybe a little too quickly.

Cas squinted his eyes until Dean looked down.

"Well, I would ask if you'd wanna grab some beers, but... maybe you wanna grab a bite to eat?"

Cas smiled, "I would like that."

Dean suggested a local burger joint, and Cas agreed. They both took Dean's car and made small talk along the way. At the diner, they sat down next to each other at a four-person table. Dean thought it was a little strange that Cas didn't sit across from him, but he didn't acknowledge it.

Dean talked about how he's always been into cars. Vintage ones especially. Cas told Dean about always wanting to help people and after getting a math degree, teaching was the most obvious option to him. This inevitably led to why Cas was fired from his last teaching position.

"You know Dean, I don't even like alcohol."

"You don't?"

"That's the crazy thing. I'm an alcoholic who doesn't like to drink."

"Then why you do it?"

"I suppose it's easier, at least seems easier," Cas sighed, "than dealing with the past."

Dean put his burger down as he and Cas locked eyes.

Cas continued, "easier than dealing with the memories. The feelings."

"Yeah I hear ya," Dean forced out a quick laugh.

"You wanna talk about it?"

"I really don't," Dean smiled thinly.

Cas leaned forward, "I know you don't think it helps-"

Dean took a sip of his water, "did Sam tell you to do this therapy crap?"

"You stopped going to work Dean! That's serious. Now talk to me."

Dean stared at Cas's face. Cas's sympathetic non-judgemental relatable face and gave in.

"At first, when I got stuck in the past, drugs and drinking were a release and now, I don't know," Dean looked away, "it's different."

"Different how?" Cas tilted his head.

"It's, I don't know, it's not about me anymore. I used to go back. Back to that night or the courtroom or what whatever event I don't wanna relive and all these emotions would come bubbling up and the only thing to stop it was... blocking out." Dean closed his eyes and shook his head.

When it was clear to Cas that Dean wasn't going to continue, he decided to share something of his own. Something personal that he didn't like to talk about, but felt comfortable sharing with Dean anyways.

"I come from a very big family Dean. My father was rich, and he slept around. He brought all his kids together to live in one house, even though some of us couldn't stand each other. Then one day he left. He abandoned us all. We were all different ages and only half-siblings so naturally, chaos erupted."

Dean opened his eyes and looked at Cas. He was staring at the table, lost in memories.

Cas continued, "things got so political. Actual fights broke out and everyone was told to pick a side. I hated seeing my siblings fight, so I ran away. I tried to find our father. I had such faith that if I could just get him to come back, we would all be together again," he looked up at Dean, "but he was rich and didn't want to be found. When I realized our father was never coming back, that's when I started drinking. I never enjoyed it, but it gave me a break from my thoughts. Gave me a break from my family. I got fired from my previous job because I got black out drunk and stumbled about the campus. And I remember thinking 'why'd I get so drunk' it wasn't like anything upsetting had happened. It wasn't like I loved the taste and couldn't get enough of it. It was just... what I was used to doing. And I got fired for it. So I stopped. It was hard at first. I just didn't know what to do. Things didn't seem like they were getting better. It wasn't like I was feeling better. When I started talking about it in AA, I realized, maybe I wasn't feeling good but I had stopped feeling bad. It was a murky grey for a while, for a long time, but I stopped drinking. Slowly, things got good and it will for you too."

Cas looked up and saw Dean. Not the facade of happiness. Not even the protective older brother. But the broken man who struggles to believe. It was quiet for a moment. The background sounds of the diner far away.

When Dean spoke it was soft like he didn't want to have false hope, "how can you be so sure?"

"Because I've been there. Feeling empty. And I know you think it'll always be like this or you've forgotten what it's like not to feel empty."

Tears silently fell from Dean's face.

"Dean, your brother Sam and I will always be here for you. If only you let us in."

"San wants me to talk about it, but I don't know what to say. I don't know what's wrong."

"Dean, that's ok."

Dean whipped the tears from his face and shook his head.

Cas opened his mouth to speak, but Dean cleared his throat.

He stood up and took his wallet out. He threw some bills down on the table and spoke in his normal voice, "come on Cas, I'll drive you back to your car."

"Dean," Cas sighed as Dean stormed out of the diner. After a moment, Cas followed Dean and got into the already running car.

The ride back to the school parking lot was silent. The bad kind of silent. Dean's face was stone cold expressionless.

Chapter Text

Dean showed up to work the next morning.

"Where you've been, son?" Bobby asked.

Dean sighed, "Bobby I'm sorry I-"

"Zip it. If it were anyone else I would've fired them."

"You're... not gonna fire me?"

"Only if you're honest with me," he put his hands on Dean's shoulders, "You getting inta drugs again?"

Dean swallowed, "No, no Bobby. I was just.. working through some stuff after, you know, after the trial."

Bobby's face softened, "That's good son," he took his hands off Dean, "but you didn't answer my calls you didn't text me."

"Come on Bobby, you're starting to sound like all the girls from the bar."

"Yeah real funny. Don't let it happen again."

"I won't Bobby."

Bobby patted Dean on the shoulder and ushered him off to work. Dean went into the shop and started with a couple of basic oil changes. While he was doing things with his hands, he found it easier to think. He reflected on what Cas had said. About his family. About life. About things getting better. Dean couldn't say he really believed any of it, but he liked working on cars. He shouldn't have stopped going to work. Something about cars... there's just always a fix. Even though he's been a mechanic for his entire life. He never got tired of it.

He didn't realize it, but he started to sing to the Van Halen song blasting on the radio. Bobby watched Dean and smiled, he hadn't sung in a long time.

———

Sam had a later class that night so Dean made dinner. He decided to make what he knew was one of Sam's favorites, even if he didn't admit to it, spaghetti and meatballs.

Sam got home just as the meatballs were done. Sam stopped in the entrance of the kitchen. Dean looked at his brother and saw a little smile tug at the corner of Sam's lips.

"Is- is that meatballs? Did you make spaghetti and meatballs?"

Dean couldn't stop the small laugh, "yeah man, hope you're hungry."

Sam eagerly put his bag down and got two plates out of the cabinet. "Beer?" he asked Dean.

"Yeah," Dean answered mixing the red sauce into the spaghetti. Sam cracked the beers open and sat down as Dean dumped the food onto both of their plates.

"How was class?"

"Fine, just another lecture."

"Take notes?"

Sam rolled his eyes, "yes I did, but nothing was really more worthy."

"Nonsense. Hey wait is this the class you and Eileen share?"

"Yeah."

"So when you said you were heading out early, what you meant was you went to Eileen's place and," he raised his eyebrows.

"No Dean, stop! I mean yes I went to her apartment but it wasn't like that! We-" Sam looked down and mumbled, "we were playing Mario Kart."

Dean laughed, "Well did you win? What am I talking about I bet she kicked your ass."

Sam sighed, "yes but I bet she could kick your ass too."

"Pftt no way. I always beat you."

"Yeah, well no, ok most of the time, but in your words," he used air quotes, "even a half-asleep six-year-old could beat me."

"Yeah, because you suck!"

"Ok so beating me you're saying you have the same skill level as a half-asleep six-year-old."

"No I-" Dean furrowed his eyebrows, "I see you're learning something in lawyer school."

Sam laughed and it got quiet as they ate their dinner.

"Hey Sam?" Dean asked.

"Yeah?"

"Did you become a lawyer because of me? Because I lost the case?"

Sam looked up at his brother, a forkful of spaghetti in his shocked mouth. He chewed and swallowed. Then he spoke, "what do you mean?" Dean was calm, almost too calm for Sam's liking. Dean never, never brought up the case.

"Did you. become a lawyer. because of me?"

"Well uh I-"

"No, no, Sammy," Dean put his hands out and waved them, "don't give me the answer you think I want to hear. Tell me the truth."

Sam looked at his brother's eyes. "At first, yeah. I thought it was crazy that your lawyer couldn't win you the case. I thought I could do better. Stop you from suffering like you did. But as I got older, and started actually studying law, I fell in love with it. So yeah, I started because of you, but I stayed because I liked it."

Dean nodded a couple of times, "huh." He swirled some spaghetti around his fork.

"Any reason that came up?" Sam said concern showing on his face.

Dean shrugged, "I just been thinking about how much Al-" he sighed, "how much he's affective my life. He's not even in jail. He's gone on living his life and I'm... I'm still not over it. And that's bull shit. I just want to move on, man."

"That's good, but Dean, you can't just ignore it. You can't magically make yourself better."

"...yeah..."

-------

The next few days Dean tries to do better. To feel better. He shows up for work, even finishes fixing up a vintage car ahead of schedule. But it takes so much energy to do things. Much more energy than they should. Cas said it would be better in time. How much time? No really how much time? He'd kinda left Cas on a bad note, but Dean didn't like the way the conversation was going. He wasn't ready for that yet. Cas hasn't reached out to him yet either so he might be upset at him. Dean should apologize. He needed to apologize. He texts Cas.

                                   Hey Cas can we talk in person? I want to apologize.

Of course we can talk, but I don't know what you're apologizing for.

Dean tried to respond to that for a moment, but then he just ignored it.

                                    When are you free?

My last class ends at 4 today.

                                  Can we meet at 4:30?

Sure, where?

                                   You can come to my place

                                  Need the address?

No, I remember. See you then!

"Huh," Dean smiled for a second, "he remembered." He went back to fixing the car muffler.

Dean got home at 4. He debated whether he should be prepared to make Cas dinner. Sam was spending the night at Eileen's. Dean was just planning on having whatever leftover food scraps he could find in the fridge. He could never serve that to a guest. It would be fine. It was too early for dinner anyway. Cas wouldn't stay that long, would he? Dean really only wanted to apologize. That would be quick right? I mean, it could've been a call or text, but it felt more genuine in person. After everything Cas has done for him, it's what he deserved.

The doorbell rings. Dean grins and opens the door.

"Hiya, Cas."

Cas smiled back, "Hello, Dean."

"Come on in."

"Is Sam here?"

"Naw he's been at Eillen's place since lunch."

"They're dating, correct?"

Dean sits down on the couch, "Yeah."

"Good for them," Cas sits down in the armchair across from him.

"How was your class?"

"Good, they took a quiz. The worst part of teaching is grading though so not looking forward to that."

"Hah, yeah..." Dean took a rubber band off his wrist and started playing with it.

Cas noticed and stayed quiet. He knew Dean had something important he wanted to say and he wasn't going to rush him. Cas couldn't help the smile that crept on his face when he noticed that this rubber band was in fact the one Cas had given him on the day of the trial. Dean had kept it this whole time. 

Dean sighed, "Look Cas, I want to apologize."

"For what?"

"Last time we talked, I cut you off. You shared something personal and I just..."

"Dean, I forgive you. If you don't want to talk about it, that's fine."

"I- I want to forget about what happened. To just move on."

"Well, that's not possible. In order to move on, you need to deal with it."

Dean covered his face with his hands to hide his watering eyes. His voice was small, "you really think talking about it will help?"

"Yes. I do."

Dean nodded. Just say it. Open your mouth say it. It's just Cas.

"I- A-" he looked down, "I can't. I want to but I can't. There's just so much I-"

"That's ok. You have a huge weight on your shoulder. Why don't you try something small."

"Well you head in the courtroom that um yeah you heard that and after well," Dean coughed, "my dad was pissed. He'd hired a lawyer but... and he yelled. Said I wasted money said I made it up- and I-" Tears were falling down Dean's face.

Cas stood up and sat next to Dean on the couch. Dean was breathing heavy and trying to hold back his sobs.

"Cas I don't want to- I don't want to talk about it- I've never talked about it- not even with Sam."

"Dean, don't force yourself to talk. It's ok if you're not ready. Just know that carrying this alone is going to be hard."

"Will you- will you stay with me?"

"Of course Dean." Cas gently placed his hand on Dean's shoulder.

They stayed like that for a while. When Dean spoke it was so soft that Cas almost missed it.

"Would you call me your friend?"

"Yes. Because I am your friend right?"

"Heh yeah of course Cas. God this sounds so sappy. I just-" he got quiet again, "I feel like we only talk when I'm messed up..."

Cas thought for a moment, "Then let's change that."

"What?" Dean looked at Cas.

Cas stood up and offered out his hand, "let's do something fun."

Dean took his hand and stood up, "like what? I don't want to make you go to a bar."

"There's other ways to have fun than drinking Dean," Cas smiled wide, "I want to show you something."

"Well ok then," Dean couldn't help but smile back at Cas. They let go of each other's hand and went to Cas's car.

"Aux up," Cas started the car, "one of my students taught me that phrase."

"You sure? You like my music?"

"You're not the only one to like classic rock Dean. Although I do prefer Def Leopard over Led Zeppelin." Cas pulls the car out.

"Well, I'll compromise."

"Oh I should warn you, Dean, it is a bit of a drive."

"That's ok, you're not gonna tell me where we're going though?"

"I want it to be a surprise," Cas smiled.

The next song to play is It's My Life by Bon Jovi. Cas steals a glance over at Dean, who is now humming along to the song. When the chorus begins, Cas starts singing softly. Dean looked at Cas making him blush, but he didn't stop singing. Dean joined in and they got louder and more into it.

They both sang "It's my liiiiiiife! It's now or never! Cause I ain't gonna live forever! I just want to live while I'm alive... My heart is like an open highway! Like Frankie said, 'I did it my way!' I just want to live while I'm alive! 'Cause it's! My! Life!"

Chapter Text

Dean's pov

They sang all the way to their destination.

Dean peered at the glowing sign in front of them, "Cas is this a club? I thought-"

"You thought I couldn't go out and have fun because I'm sober."

"Yeah..."

"Well, this club is special. There's no alcohol or drugs allowed. It's pure music and dancing."

"What? No way."

"It's true, an old friend of mine runs this place. Is actually very popular with addicts."

"There's really no drinking at this club?"

"Yeah, everyone is pretty good at sticking to the rules. The group mentality is to keep everyone sober."

"Ok..."

Cas parked the car, "You ready?"

"Why not? Let's go for it."

Cas smiled, "great."

They showed their IDs to the bouncer, which Dean was confused about. Cas said that even though there were no drinks, it was still a club, so only people 21+ allowed. When they stepped inside, Dean stood still. He could not believe what he was seeing. There was a ton of people there and they were all having fun. Almost everyone was on the dance floor. Although there were a few that were off to the side at tables.

Dean lightly hits Cas's arm, "Is that a bar?"

"Technically no, there's no alcohol. They do serve mocktinis but they also serve a bunch of other drinks. Soda, water, you name it."

They walked up to the bar and both got a sprite. Then someone tapped Cas on the shoulder. When Dean saw Cas turn, he turned around too.

"Hey, Meg! How are you?" Cas smiled.

"I'm good Clarence. Business is good," her eyes shifted over to Dean, "Hello Dean."

Dean clenched his teeth. Confusion sprung on Cas's face as he looked back and forth between them.

"Look Dean, before anything happens, you're totally allowed to whatever feelings you have. I know you probably won't believe me, but I do mean this. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're sober." She turned to Cas, "see you around." With that, Meg walked away.

"I'm sorry Dean, I didn't realize you knew each other. She owns this bar."

"It's fine Cas. It's- well I don't hate her- it's complicated. I assume you know she was a druggie too right?" Cas nodded and Dean continued, "well she was one of Crowley's, we've crossed paths a couple of times."

"Do you want to leave?"

Dean looked Cas in the eyes and saw genuine concern. He willed his body to relax, "no we just got here. Let's go dance!"

Dean grabbed Cas's hand and pulled him on the dance floor. The DJ was playing mostly EDM. Surprisingly, Dean enjoyed it. He jumped up and down beside Cas.

It was strange. Not being drunk at a club. He was a lot more conscious of what he and what everyone else was doing. Things were good though. He wasn't having any anxiety about other people judging him. Maybe because he was with Cas. He didn't know why he felt so free around Cas. Maybe it was because he'd already cried in front of him so many times. Including today. He didn't hold back. He let loose. He had fun. Cas was sort of an awkward dancer, but no one cared. Nobody here was judging. Well almost.

He soon noticed some brunette glaring at him. He pointed her out to Cas, "recognize that chick glaring?"

Cas rolled his eyes, "unfortunately yes."

"Ok spill, who is she?"

"Her name's Hannah. It's awkward. She thought we were dating."

"What?! How does that happen?" Dean chuckled.

"We worked together and I guess we did get close. I thought we were just friends but she thought we were dating and just taking things slow."

"Well, how'd you break up with her?"

Cas faked a glare at Dean, "it wasn't a breakup, we never dated. But one day she leaned in to kiss me and I pulled back. She told me we were dating and I told her I was gay."

Dean laughed hard at that.

Cas's pov
He's laughing. That's good. Cas really didn't think Dean would be homophobic, but you can never be sure. Dean's laugh was genuine and lighthearted. Cas smiled and Dean's laugh. He was glad he could get Dean to smile after he cried earlier.

"So then what she do?" Dean asked.

"She was... very awkward," Cas looked down.

"I'll say! I mean it's hard enough falling for someone that doesn't swing you're way but man, thinking you were dating? Wow!"

"Yeah, now she won't talk to me and she glares at me a lot."

"Ha ha, well we've been dancing for a while wanna get something to drink?"

"Sure."

They head over to the bar. Cas ordered a water and Dean ordered another sprite. "So how long have you been coming here?" Dean asked.

"I've known about this place for a while, but I don't come here regularly."

"It's a nice place," Dean smiled, "thanks for bringing me here."

"Of course, now you can say we've had fun together."

Dean laughed and turned to grab his drink from the bartop. 

Someone held Dean's shoulder and stopped him from turning back around.

"Here I was thinking I was the hottest guy in here," the man smiled, "then I saw you." He winked.

Dean scratched the back of his neck, "Hey, well thanks man, but uh, I'm actually here with someone tonight."

"Oh," the man looked over Dean's shoulder and saw Cas glaring at him, "oh, sorry guys I didn't mean to get between you."

Dean's eye widened, "wait no- I didn't mean. I mean we're here together, but we're not together. I just- sorry. Not interested."

The man looked between Dean and a still furiously glaring Cas and nodded, "sure, ok." The man walked away and Dean rubbed his face with his hands. He turned back to Cas with his eyes glued to the ground. Cas opened his mouth to say something.

Dean coughed, "I need to use the bathroom. Watch my drink." With that Dean made a b-line to the men's room.

Dean's POV

Dean went to the sink furthest from the door. He splashed water on his face. He clenched his teeth and put water on his face again. He was pissed at himself. The night was going so well. He was actually enjoying himself and his time with Cas. He just spoke without thinking. It was unfair to Cas. He never thought of him like that. Had he? He leaned against the sink. His thoughts were moving too fast. He was having fun, but now he had to process something. Did he like Cas? Or did he just trust Cas because he's broken down in front of him? This was hard. If he did feel something for Cas, he didn't want to ruin their friendship over it. He should try and forget about it for the night. He reached for the flask in his pocket and hesitated. This place was sober, he probably shouldn't drink. Yeah, it wasn't his usual gig, but he was having fun. Exactly. You were having fun. As in past tense. Not having fun anymore. If he was tipsy, then he wouldn't have to think about his feelings. He could just go out there and have fun with Cas. It was decided.

He took a swing and it went down hard. He'd forgotten he put the extra strong stuff in. 

"Hey, buddy, you good?" some random guy said.

"I'm fine," Dean said immediately. 

"If you were fine, you wouldn't be stealing drinks in the bathroom of a sober club."

Dean sighed, "I'm not an alcoholic, ok? I used to do drugs. Me and alcohol are fine."

The man just stared at him.

Dean rolled his eyes and took another long sip.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Dean and I don't need some shrink. I'm fine." With that Dean pocketed the flask and left the bathroom. He shook his shoulders and looked around for Cas. He was over in a quieter corner talking to two guys. When Cas spots Dean, he waves him over. 

"Dean, this is my old friend Ceaser, and his husband, Jesse," Cas motioned to both of them separately.

Dean shook their hands, "nice to meet you."

"Likewise," Ceaser smiled, "Castiel tells us you fix up vintage cars?"

"Yeah, yeah. You into cars?"

"He's obsessed with his DeLorean," Jesse sighs.

Ceaser elbows his husband, "it's a 1981 DeLorean DMC-12 and it's my pride a joy."

"I hear ya. That's a good car. I've got a '67 Chevy Impala."

Cas's pov
Ceaser and Dean start talking about different motors and Cas can't follow. He looks over Dean's shoulder and sees a familiar face. It's Ao3 user RavenWingSeraph. She waves for him to come over so he excuses himself from the group.

"Hey Raven, everything ok?" he gives her a hug, "You seem worried."

"I'm fine Castiel. Is that new guy Dean here with you?" she asks.

Heat rises in Cas's face as he remembers Dean's panic mere minutes before this. "Uh, I brought him here, yes."

"Well, a friend of mine saw him drinking in the bathroom. He said he could smell it from far away. That's how strong the alc was."

Cas's face darkens, "oh."

"Just thought you should know."

"Yeah, thanks, Raven."

She gives him a small smile, "of course. Take care of yourself."

He smiled back, "you too."

He thought about confronting Dean as he made his way back to the three guys. Dean's head flies back in laughter as Jesse tells a joke. No, he wouldn't bring it up. Not in public anyway. Surprisingly, the conversation is no longer about cars. Dean is getting along great with Jesse and Ceaser. They talk for a while longer, then they all head to the dancefloor. The music is blasting but it's awesome. Jesse and Ceaser pair up and dance against each other for a couple songs, but thankfully things don't seem awkward between him and Dean. Cas can't remember the last time he'd had this much fun. He was living in the music and letting loose. Dean was too, which made Cas smile. Cas dances with his eyes closed, but when he opens them, Dean is staring at him.

They dance well into the am. Cas is still having fun and Dean is too, but Cas is a professor, he needed sleep.

He drives Dean back to his house. Cas parks the car and gets out with Dean. It seems cliche, but he walks Dean to his door.

"Thanks, Cas," Dean shuffled his feet, "it's uh, been a while since I've gone out like that."

"Me too. Glad we have a happy memory together now."

"Heh, yeah. Seriously, though, I had a lot of fun tonight."

Cas spoke without thinking, "Is that why you felt the need to drink?"

Dean's face tightens, "what?"

"I know you went to the bathroom to drink."

Dean looks down.

"Was it something I did?"

"No! No, it wasn't you, Cas I-" Dean looked up.

Cas tilted his head as he and Dean locked eyes.

Dean looked away and scratched the back of his neck, "I guess I was just embarrassed and my thoughts started running and I- I know that drinking slows it down and-"

"Why were you embarrassed?" 

"Well when that guy hit on me," Dean's cheeks got red, "then I said we were together..."

It was an innocent mistake, he'd simply misspoken. He didn't know why Dean would be embarrassed to the point of drinking. Unless...

Cas's face dropped, "Was it because we're both guys?"

"Cas! God no, I-" he sighed, "Cas, look at me."

Cas met Dean's eyes. He saw fear behind them, not disgust.

"There's not many people that I trust enough to talk to about my problems, like at all. So when I started opening up to you... I just felt such a strong connection and I'm not very good with feelings and I wanted to make sure I liked you as a person and not just someone I could dump my shit on and I was having fun but when I said that," he scoffed, "it brought up questions that I couldn't answer yet and-"

"Wait, you like me as in you think I'm good-looking?"

Dean's pov
Dean's eyes widen as he realized, he did in fact say that. "Shit, sorry Cas, I didn't mean to ruin our friendship." fuck fuck fuck fuck why did he say that god he looked so pathetic right now. He bit his lip hard. What would Cas say? Probably nothing good. Yell at him because he was only helping Dean with his problems out of pity and now he would have to deal with this too. He would lose his only friend and then he'd-

Cas kissed him. Dean stepped back in surprise. 

"I'm sorry Dean, was that not-"

"Wait Cas," he smiled, "you like me back?"

Cas blushed, "yes and the way you were biting your lip I just assumed-"

Dean cuts him off with another kiss. His hands find their way to the back of Cas's neck. He feels Cas's hands move up and down his back. He eagerly pulls Cas closer and runs his hand through Cas's hair. 

They stop kissing but stay close. They rest their foreheads against each other, eyes closed. They take in what just happened and what it means.

Cas cups Dean's face in his hands, "As much as it pains me to say, I really must be going."

"Cas?" Dean finally opens his eyes.

"Yes, Dean?" Cas stares into those beautiful green eyes.

"Do you want to date?" it sounds so childish but he is too giddy to care.

Cas smiles and pulls away, "I would love that Dean."

A huge smile spreads across Dean's face. This is better than any high. He's speechless.

Cas chuckles then gives Dean a quick peck on the cheek. "Let's talk more tomorrow, ok?" 

Dean just nodded.

Cas walked backwards to his car, "Goodnight Dean." 

"Night, Cas." Dean watches Cas drive away. He stayed on the porch even after he could no longer see Cas's car. He relished in the moment then finally went inside.

Chapter Text

He likes me back he kissed me he likes me back he kissed me we kissed he kissed me he had his lips against mine we kissed he wants to date me we kissed we kissed we kissed

Dean lied in bed staring at the ceiling. He couldn't stop smiling. He couldn't remember the last time he liked someone as much as he liked Cas. He didn't even realize it. Not really. Not until after he accidentally said that they were together. Then it all clicked. Why he trusted Cas so much. Why he just wanted to be around him. The second half of that night was when he finally started to see Cas as more than a friend. Watching him dance freely was so cute. God, he was so lucky that someone as amazing as Cas liked him back. Even after seeing Dean at his very lowest. Cas knew a lot about Dean's past, and he still kissed him back. He thought only of Cas as he slowly faded into unconsciousness.

~

"Sammy go to your room. Now!" his voice was quiet but urgent. Their father wasn't even upstairs yet and Dean could smell the alcohol. Their father was yelling.

"Sam, go!" Dean pushed his brother who thankfully did as he was told.

"DEAN! GET IN HERE!"

Dean walked into the living room, "Yes, dad?"

"WHERE'S YOUR PAYCHECK"

"W-what?"

His dad glared at him. "I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN WORKING IN THAT BLACK MAN'S GARAGE NOW HAND IT OVER."

"I-uh. It's gone..."

"WHAT!"

Dean took a step back, "I spent it already."

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SPEND IT ON!"

"Well I uh."

"SPIT IT OUT BOY"

"School supplies."

"SCHOOL SUPPLIES! YOU DUMBASS WE NEED THAT FOR FOOD>"

A spark of defiance lit in Dean, "That's what your paycheck is for!"

"YOU LIVE UNDER MY ROOF YOU UNGRATEFUL BASTARD I PAY THE RENT."

"Well it's my money and I get to decide what I spend it on!"

He goes to punch Dean, but he's drunk so he's slow. Dean ducks and backs away.

"YOU'RE SELFISH YOU WANT YOUR FAMILY TO STARVE."

"Dad we won't starve. We'll be fine."

"DON'T TALK BACK TO ME!" He grabs Dean by the shirt.

"Dad, stop! It's my fault," Sam stood in the doorway.

"Sammy, no!" Dean pleaded for Sam to back off.

He didn't listen, "Dean bought me new books for school"

John glared at Sam and loosened his grip on Dean. He was gonna go after Sam. No, he couldn't let that happen. His father wasn't looking, Dean punched him across the jaw. John grunted and stumbled backward.

"Sam. Room. Now!" Dean said keeping his eyes on his father.

"SON OF A BITCH!" John throws a punch that Dean manages to sidestep. But his father is ready this time. He grabs a hold of Dean's shoulder. Dean yelped in pain.

"I'LL TEACH YOU NOT TO DISRESPECT ME."

His dad punched him until he was satisfied. Then he passed out in a lounge chair.

~

He was in the kitchen making lunch. Talking to Sam about his day. His father was passed out on the couch.

"I was with Lisa and we sitting on the bench outside school. She's telling me about how she needs this new leather jacket that just hit the store. Then a guy wearing that exact jacket walks right in front of us."

Sam laughs.

"You should've seen the look on her face, Sammy. And the guy wearing that jacket? He knew we were talking about him. When he walked by he tried to look cool and hot by-"

"WHAT WAS THAT?"

Dean hadn't noticed that John woke up.

"Uh, I was telling Sam about this jacket I saw a guy wearing."

"DID YOU THINK HE WAS HOT?"

"Wha-"

"BECAUSE I KNOW I RAISED YOU BETTER THAN THAT DEAN WINCHESTER."

"Dad-"

"ANSWER THE QUESTION BOY."

"No! Lisa is my girlfriend! I have a girlfriend!"

"ATTA BOY DON'T LET THIS JACKET GUY STEAL YOUR GIRL ALRIGHT."

"Yeah, 'course not..."

~

Sam and Dean arrive home from school. They throw down their backpacks then stop. Their dad is home. Completely sober. He's supposed to be at work.

He spoke more calmly than Dean's heard in years, "Sam go to your room. Dean sit down."

They did as they were told. Both were scared. It was strange seeing their dad so calm. It was because they've never really seen him this sober.

John takes a sip of his coffee before speaking, "I got a call from your school today."

Dean didn't know what to say.

"Apparently someone noticed that you had bruises."

Pins and needles stabbed Dean in the back.

"They called to tell me that although they never saw you roughhousing in school, you're probably getting into a lot of fights outside of school. I told them you had beef with some private school kid that lives up the street. That you two fight a lot. Just normal conflicts people your age have."

He willed himself to control his breathing.

His father leaned in closer to Dean, staring him right in the eyes, "I just want to make sure we're all on the same page. I want us to stay a family. You wouldn't want them to take poor little Sammy away, would you?"

Dean shook his head.

"Good. I'm glad you understand." He down the rest of his coffee then left. No doubt to go make up for the hour of sobriety he just had.

~

He shut the door behind him. It sounded so loud.

"WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"

Dean was shaking, "I- uh I- some guy-"

"SPEAK SON WHAT"

"He- he attacked me." Dean wanted to cry, but he could never in front of his father. 

"YOU WERE MUGGED?"

Dean forced a shaking hand to his face, "and- and more."

His dad was quiet for a moment. Still processing.

"HE FUCKED YOU? YOU LET HIM FUCK YOU?"

Dean flinched. His legs were struggling to keep him standing. "I-I didn't want him to. I- I tried," Dean showed his dad the bruises on his arms, "Alistair attacked me."

His dad's disgust turned into something else.

"YOU SAW THE FUCKER? YOU KNOW HIS NAME?"

"Y-yes." Dean didn't know the exact emotion behind his Dad's gaze, but it was scarily similar to greed. John fought the urge to smile.

"WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED WE CAN SUE THAT SON OF A BITCH"

"I- I don't-" John put his hand on Dean's shoulder.

"WE'LL MAKE IT RIGHT SON."

John took his phone out.

"Dad I-"

"WE NEED EVIDENCE. UNDRESS. LET ME TAKE PHOTOS."

Dean's eye widened.
~
Alistair held Dean's trembling chin in his hands.

He got real close to Dean's face and smiled, "You know what I love about America, Dean? The corrupt justice system. Because no matter what you do, no one will believe you."

Dean did his best to glare, but his trembling lips ruined the effect.

"Whether you tell people or not, it won't make any difference. I will always be free. I will always have control over you because you are mine. You're mine now, and you'll be mine later. My fuckable little whore."

whore

slut

liar

bitch

attention seeker

whore

liar 

slut

whore

liar

slut

whore

liar

whore

slut

no one will believe you

no matter what you do

you'll always be mine 

I'll always be free

you will always be mine

~

Dean sprung up in his bed. He wanted to scream but he couldn't breathe. He shook back and forth on his bed. He tried to calm down. He grabbed wildly at his blankets. He didn't have the strength to sit up. He rolled to his sides and let his elbows prop him up. His whole body was tense. His hands in fists, his nails drawing blood from his skin. His eyes clenched shut. His head resting on the bed. His legs were tingling and so were his lips. He tried to purse them to make breathing easier, but he couldn't. He trembled on his bed in the darkness. He realized he was crying. There was ringing in his ears so he couldn't hear, but he could assume he was sobbing. He got his right hand to relax enough to move it to his mouth. He held his lips out to try and steady his breathing. He exhaled forcefully a couple of times. Then he tried to breathe in and out for the same amount of time. He counted the seconds. Then he counted his breaths. He relaxed his shoulders and lied down on his back normally. He focused on his breathing for the next couple of minutes. Thank god he didn't wake Sam. Wait, Sam was at Eileen's. Even better.

He felt calm again, but he was wide awake. He looked at the clock. 6:30 AM. God he barely slept. But he wasn't going back to bed. He was biting his nail. He couldn't just sit around for another three hours. He needed to move. There wasn't anything to do. That didn't matter. He threw on some jeans and his leather jacket and just started walking. 

Chapter Text

Dean thought about his nightmares. God, he wished he could just wake up on command. Houses and people fly by. He tries to forget. Remind himself that that was the past. It wasn't real. Well, it was real. But it's not happening now and it won't happen again. It almost happened again. Dean walked faster. It's colder than he thought it would be. Probably because it was so early. He flipped his collar up and shoved his hands in his pockets. He shuddered as Alistair's face flashes in front of him again. His dad started screaming in his head. STOP BITCHIN ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS BOY. His throat felt tight. Alistair's cheek laughter, "Dean, Dean, Dean. I told you you'd always be mine." 

He clenched his fists. Shut up, he thought. Alistair grabbed him by the chin. "Don't talk to me like that boy. I'm not even here." He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. He had stopped walking and he didn't realize it. He started up again, this time keeping his shoulders back and his head up. He turned onto a path that led to a trail around a lake. He forces himself to really look at his surroundings. To take in nature. He listens to the crunch of the leaves beneath his feet. He watches the squirrels chase each other. He chuckles as he sees two young kids smoking a joint. Then he frowns. Maybe he should stop them. Who's he kidding. Teenagers would never listen, especially to some stranger. He certainly didn't listen to anyone's advice. Although he wished he would have. He wondered how different his life would be if he'd never gotten high. Never got addicted. Never ODed in Crowley's club.

Dean!

Someone put their hand on Dean's shoulder. "Dean!" they called again.

Dean turned and saw his brother, "Sam?"

"Dude I was calling your name but you didn't hear me," he laughed and took his earbuds out.

"Sorry I was uh, lost in thought."

Concern clouded Sam's face, "what's wrong? Why are you up this early?"

Dean scoffed. "Why are you up this early?"

Sam gave Dean a face and Dean sighed.

"I had a bad dream and couldn't fall back asleep. I'm fine. Now why are you awake and- what are you wearing?"

Sam rolled his eyes, "I went for a run, Dean. These are what normal people call workout clothes."

"You chose to be up this early?"

"Yes I-"

"You made the conscious decision to set your alarm and then go for a run, this early."

Sam deadpanned, "Yes, Dean. I enjoy running."

"God I can't believe you're a college student."

Sam laughs but gets serious again, "you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine now. Just bad dreams," he couldn't stop the smile on his face when he thought about Cas, "I really am good though."

Sam couldn't help but smile back at his brother. Something had happened last night to make him this happy. Dean was never this happy in the morning.

"Alright, well I'm going to finish my run and shower at Eileen's then I'll head back to our house."

"You sure you don't want to stay with Eileen?" Dean said thinking about how he was going to meet up with Cas at some point.

"Yeah, she had to take an early class because she switched majors," Sam tilted his head, "Is there someone in the house that I should know about?"

"No. Sammy," Dean couldn't help himself, he smiled again, "I just have plans today."

"Oh, you do?" Sam raised his eyebrows, "pray tell."

Dean pushed Sam gently, "stop it, man. I don't- I don't really know what exactly is going on between us, okay? I'll tell you about it later."

Sam's smiling like a little kid on Christmas, "ok. You better."

Dean rolled his eyes but he was still smiling, "I will, now go! Run!"

Sam chuckled as he ran off.

You kissed Cas, Dean reminds himself.

He looked around and got his barrings. He was feeling better but was tired. He was ready to go back home. He was dating Cas. Cas was his boyfriend. Dean bit his lip. At least he hoped Cas would be and Cas didn't change his mind.

He turned around and started walking back the way he came. When he got home, he noticed a motorcycle parked in front of his car. That was definitely weird because no one on their street owned a motorcycle. He heard a noise come from inside and narrowed his eyes. His lower back started tingling as adrenaline began coursing through his veins. He pulled out his pocket knife and slowly approached the door. He'd been in such a hurry to get out of the house this morning that he didn't lock it. 

He twisted the knob slowly, careful not to make a sound. He peered in but saw no one. He quietly scampered inside. He pressed his back against the wall and steadied his beating heart. He heard a cough from the kitchen. He peeked around the wall into the living room but saw no one. He carefully made his way through the living room and had his back against the wall that leads to the kitchen. He took one last quiet breath, then went through the doorframe knife ready. The man in their hastily stood and reached for his own knife in his back pocket. Dean pulled back then froze.

"Benny?"

Cas POV
Cas's alarm went off and he felt only rage. If it wasn't his phone making the noise, he would've smashed it. He hit snooze and went back to sleep. He was dreaming about Dean. Not in a creepy or overly sexual way. He was just thinking about how soft Dean's lips were. How warm he felt when they kissed. He thought about holding hands walking down the street. Cuddling up for a movie. Teaching lessons together. The way Dean tilted his head back when he laughed. The crinkles in his face when he smiled. BEEP BEEP BEEP 

Jesus, it's been 9 minutes already? He hit snooze again. He couldn't believe Dean liked him back. He and Dean were so different. Dean was a strong, hands-on, confident kind of guy, and Castiel was, well himself. Shy, nerdy, really into bees. Well, Dean didn't know about his obsession yet. He wouldn't leave Cas just because of that. Cas has put up with Dean's car obsession so he better not. The more he thinks about it, he and Dean are alike. Sure on the outside Dean's all protect Sam, joke, cars, but on the inside, the side he barely lets anyone see, the side he let Cas see, he's kind, gentle, and loving. He only hopes Dean would care for him as much as he cares for Sam. More importantly, let Cas care for him as much as Dean cares for Sam. BEEP BEEP BEEP

Jesus Christ! Cas finally sits up in bed and stretches. He wanted to keep lying in bed. Basking in the half-conscious state between sleeping and think of Dean. But he couldn't. He was still a professor and he had tests to grade. He made himself a bowl of cereal and sat down on his back porch. It was nice out, though the wind made it a tad chilly. He watched the bees, already busy at work. He checks his phone but there are no messages from Dean. They were supposed to talk today. Relax Castiel, Dean is not a morning person. He would text when he was ready. Or at least awake enough to think.

Cas couldn't help but smile to himself. He had kissed Dean last night. Right after Dean confessed first. Even if it was on accident, which was kinda funny and a very Dean thing to do. Although something was nagging at him. Last night Dean had said he needed time to figure out if he actually likes him, or just became so attached after telling Cas all his secrets. God, he hoped it was the first one. Maybe he should text Dean now. It wasn't too early. Besides he was fine with Dean responding an hour or two later when he woke up.

He stares at the blue line. He isn't sure what to say. He types then deletes. Type then delete. Type then delete. The blue line blinks back at him mockingly. Finally, Cas decides on what to send.

                                                                    Hello Dean. Last night was amazing, I would love to talk to you sometime today. When are you free?

Cas put his phone down. Not expecting a response, but his phone buzzes right away. It's Dean:

Sorry I can't

                                                                    What? What do you mean?

It's an emergency I'm sorry I can't meet up today

                                                                    Is everything ok? Are you? Sam?

Yes  it's something else

                                                                    What is it?

Sorry I can't text

                                                                    I'll come over

No
S orry no thanks
It's personal and I don't have time to explain 
Also don't have time to tell you how sorry I am
But I am really sorry

                                                                    It's alright Dean
                                                                    Please update me when you can

Cas sighed and put his phone down. It was hard not to be disappointed, but it really did sound like an emergency. He went about his day, grading quizzes, and receiving no news from Dean.

Chapter Text

Dean pov

"Benny?" Dean put his knife down and laughed, "what the hell are you doing here man?"

They hug then Benny replied, "I didn't mean to break in, but the door was open."

"Yeah I, uh, I left early this morning."

"What'd you get up this early? You still having nightmares?"

He motioned for Benny to sit down at the table, "No actually, I've picked up jogging."

They both sat down. Benny chuckled, "Sure you have."

"Anyways, what are you doing here?"

The smile dropped from his face, "yeah I know I shoulda called, but I wasn't really sure what I was going to do."

"What do you mean?" Dean frowned, "Is everything ok?"

"No, Dean," he took a deep breath, "Andrea's dead."

"Oh my god, Benny, I'm so sorry."

"Yeah me too... I was hoping I could stay with you for a bit?"

"Of course Benny," Dean put his hand on his shoulder, "you can stay as long as you like."

"Thank you, brother."

"Have you eaten yet? I'll make you something."

"I've eaten, but some coffee would be great. Thank you."

Dean started up the coffee machine and texted Sam what happened. Then he gets a text from Cas. So not what he needed right now. Cas's text was so nice and cute, but he didn't have the time. He has a quick conversation with Cas then puts his phone down. He gets out two mugs and fills them both. He doesn't add anything, they both like it black. He hands one of them to Benny.

"You keepin your nose clean?" Dean asked after a sip.

"So far," Benny was looking off into the distance, "that's another reason I wanted to come here. Need someone who understands. I hope that it's not too much pressure."

"No of course not."

They sat in silence for a moment, drinking their coffee.

Benny took a deep breath, then spoke, "she was sick. Cancer. Doctors didn't catch it until it was already in the later stages. She went through tough treatment. She fought so hard. She passed a couple of weeks ago."

"That must have been hard to watch."

"Yeah... I was by her side the whole time... but there was nothing I could do... I just had to watch as the love of my life slowly faded away."

"Benny I can't imagine."

"The only thing keeping me going is knowing that she'd kill me if I started doing crack again."

"She whooped your ass plenty of times down here, I'm sure she'll whoop your ass in the afterlife."

Benny chuckled at that, "yeah. She always seemed to go after me more than you. An I thought she was supposed to like me more."

Dean smiled, "naw she got me good, I'm just better at hiding my wounds."

"You remember that time when she caught us at Stacy's with-"

"Yes! With those brownies that weren't edibles-"

"-and then we got her to eat one!"

"God, she was totally going to kill us."

"but then she was the one apologizing."

"But it was only because Stacy forgot to put the weed in."

They were laughing so hard, neither of them could talk for a moment.

"You might not forgive me, but I ended up telling her the truth later."

"No way!" Dean raised his eyebrows, "you serious?"

"I am. You know I can't lie to her."

"What'd she say?"

Benny paused.

"Come on man, tell me."

Benny broke into a laugh, "she said she already knew. She saw the weed upstairs."

"What!" Dean laughed, "that's crazy! and we still got her to try one of them."

"Yeah, she trusted me, except of course when I was lying."

"She always had a knack for knowing when you were lying."

Benny smiled as he reminisced.

They continue to drink their coffee then some beers as they laugh and share good memories.

Cas pov
Cas didn't mean to run by Dean's house. He always went on runs and he always took a different path each time. Ok, maybe it was a bit intentional, but it was only because he cared. After almost two hours of radio silence from Dean, Cas had to swing by the house. He was planning on running to Dean's then to the junkyard. He had prayed to never find Dean crying in the junkyard again, but he had to check in case he was there.

When he turned onto Dean's street he frowned. He could see a motorcycle in front of Dean's car. He didn't recall either of the brothers owning one.

He liked to run without music. Yes, most people thought he was strange, but it was calming to him. He could hear his own thoughts or the birds or other sounds of nature.

As he got closer to the house, he heard laughter. He instantly recognized Dean's laugh. He was about to smile, but then he frowned. There was another man laughing as well. It wasn't Sam's laugh, this was way too deep. If there was an emergency, why was Dean laughing?

As he passed the house, he glanced over. He couldn't see anyone inside, but there were definitely two men laughing in there. Why had Dean lied to him? Who was this guy?

It all clicked into place. Dean found someone else. Of course he found someone else, he was beautiful. Dean didn't really like Cas, he was just pretending. He probably found out Cas liked him and so he kissed him out of pity. Or maybe he had forced himself into liking Cas to try and repay him. Dean just felt in debt because Cas had helped him out.

Why had Cas gotten his hopes up? Cas was just some math professor. Why would Dean actually like him? Cas ran faster to try and get rid of his thoughts. His breath became ridged. He couldn't tell if it was because he was crying or because he was sprinting.

Somehow he made it back home. He collapsed onto his couch and let his tears really flow. His tears were messy and his nose started running. His couch was getting messy. He didn't care. He just tried. He forced himself to breathe. His face felt super hot. It was probably from running but the tears didn't help.

He didn't know long he stayed there. He'd stopped crying after about an hour. He wasn't exactly comfortable, but he didn't have the energy to move. After his breathing was regulated, he realized his body was sore. He sat up properly on the couch and stretched.

Cas checked the time. His eyes widened. It was 2:00. Did he have a class right now? What day was it?

He quickly pulled up his google calendar. He sighed. He didn't. He wouldn't have been able to attend if he did have class anyway. He opened his website and canceled his office hours.

He should probably eat something for lunch, but his stomach was in knots. What he really wanted was to drink. To forget.

He wanted to forget about Dean, but he already knew he wouldn't be able to. He still got butterflies thinking of the kiss. The best kiss of his life. And it filled him with pain. It wasn't just Dean not liking him back. It was how Dean lied to him. Ignored him. Told him it was an emergency? And in reality, he was just hooking up with some other guy. It was shameful to say it was an emergency. Just tell me the truth.

Shut up. He needed to go do something or he might start crying again. He wanted to get wasted. He really shouldn't get wasted. Dinking would be so nice right now. He was sober. A lotta good that was doing him at the moment. He was an alcoholic though. He went back and forth in his head. Feeling like shit the entire time.

He ended up in front of the package store.

Chapter Text

Cas hadn't been in a liquor store in so long. The cashier definitely thought he was insane. He kept walking around. He couldn't decide what to get. Or if he should get anything at all. but he pushed that thought from his head. He was already there.

He'd been there too long. He grabbed a large handle off the shelf. He didn't bother reading the label he was too... excited? No that's not the right word. He was too guilty to be excited. He was just ready to drink. He needed to drink.

You don't need to drink to be happy. He heard all of the AA leaders say. Well, fuck them. If he drank until he blacked out at least he wouldn't have to think about him. Dean. His Dean. Not his. Not anymore. Dean's name was the only thing on his mind last night and he loved it. Now he- he couldn't even think about that. He placed the handle on the counter.

"ID?" The cashier asked.

Cas got his wallet out and showed it to them. They nodded and handed the ID back. Cas paid and drove home. When he parked in his car he just sat there.

He stared at the wall in front of him. He had no thoughts. He didn't want to get out. He didn't want to get drunk. He didn't want to do anything. Not anymore. His hands rested heavy in his lap. How much time had passed? He finally unbuckled. He glanced over at the handle. It was blueberry vodka.

Why not? What else did he need to do today? Nothing.

He could get fired from his job.

Didn't matter. He wouldn't.

He'd stay at his house. No one would see.

His drunk self didn't always listen.

What the hell. He'd be fine. He grabs the handle and gets out of the car. He heads to his backyard. He had no shot glasses in his house for obvious reasons. So he started drinking straight from the bottle.

Faster than he thought, the bottle was gone. He frowned. He needed more.

You don't need more. You don't need to drin-

Shut up. He was fine.

He grabbed his keys and froze. You know what? He was still responsible. He wouldn't drive. He put his keys back and grabbed his trench coat. He put his phone in his pocket and walked out the door.

His thoughts were running away from him. Was Dean that embarrassed by Cas that he couldn't tell him the truth? Or was it that by kissing him he realized he didn't have feelings for him? Maybe Cas helped Dean realize he had feelings for another guy. So much so that they hooked up last night. The other guy must really be something if he could get Dean laughing early in the morning. Much better than Cas. He clenched his fists. It was for the best. Despite everything, he still wanted Dean to be happy. If this other guy was the one for Dean, then it was best if Cas stepped away. He would just support Dean as a friend.

He stopped to catch his breath. He didn't want to be just friends. He's done it before. He could just go back to when he was helping Dean stay sober and get through court. But that was before. Before the kiss. The best kiss of his life. Before Dean said he liked him. HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. He started walking quickly again in order to not start sobbing.

That's what hurt the most. Last night Dean seemed very interested. He said he liked him. Then they kissed. For what? Cas didn't need Dean's pity kiss. The fake feelings he manifested to thank Cas. That sucked. The best kiss of his life was fake. Dean faked everything. Dean looked so cute when he confessed though. That's it. Cas was too distracted by his own feelings to read Dean's emotions. Dean was just being polite and Cas couldn't look past Dean's beauty to see the truth.

The truth. After everything Cas helped Dean with he at least deserved the truth. What kind of asshole pretends there's an emergency to avoid someone? Maybe there was an emergency earlier and it was over by the time you ran past the house. No that couldn't be. If there really was an emergency, Dean wouldn't be laughing afterward. Dean was a coward. Why couldn't he just say it to his face? Was Cas that repulsing?

Yes. Yes, he was. Especially compared to Dean. Dean was way out of his league. His striking green eyes. Freckle-filled face. Tossed brown hair that glowed in the sun. A man so beautiful, he didn't know when he would ever get over him. If he could get over him. Good God, they weren't even dating! Well, Dean had asked if he wanted to. Of course, Cas wanted to, but I guess that didn't really mean anything to Dean. Cas didn't mean anything to Dean.

He found himself on campus.

He wasn't supposed to be here was he?

He was on campus, but he didn't know where he was. He was lost. What building was this? He turned around aimlessly in circles. Trying to get his bearings. The spinning made things worse.

"Professor Novak?"

The voice came from behind him. He turned.

It was Sam.

Winchester.

Sam Winchester.

Second to only to one in the list of people he did not want to see.

Cas rolled his eyes. He couldn't stop himself. Maybe that was inappropriate.

"Hello, Sam."

Sam squinted at Cas's face, "Uh are you ok, professor?"

"I'm fine," Cas lied. He was having trouble standing still. He needed to keep walking. He tried to walk past Sam but he stuck his arm out.

"Professor are you- are you drunk?"

Cas forced himself not to roll his eyes again, "don't ask stupid questions."

"Ok, professor, um let me call Dean."

Cas laughed, "why would you do that?"

Sam frowned, "well you're an alcoholic and you obviously need some help right now... You've helped Dean when he needed help, I'm sure he can help you."

"Yeah he could, but he wouldn't and I don't want him to." He walked past Sam but he just started walking next to him.

"What does that mean?"

"I'm not talking to Dean ever again."

"Why not? What happened between you two?"

Cas stopped walking and looked at Sam. He squinted for a moment, "I guess he hasn't talked to you since last night."

"No...."

"Well,"  he jammed his finger against Sam's chest a couple of times, "maybe you should ask him. Goodbye Sam."

Cas stormed away. Somehow his anger fueled him and made him more alert. He walked himself back home and crawled into bed.

Sam pov
He almost didn't recognize Profesor Novak. He was young enough that Sam assumed he was a student. The way he was stumbling around, he was definitely drunk. He felt required to help him. He wouldn't exactly call him and Profesor Novak friends, but he and Dean definitely were. Also, he was super drunk and it wasn't even late. Something had definitely happened. Something Dean didn't tell him about. Dean seemed happy this morning. Like really happy. He would've sworn that he'd just gotten together with someone. He thought it was with Castiel specifically. But Castiel was devastated to the point of breaking his sobriety. Something wasn't right.

He watched Cas stumbled away from him. He hurried the rest of the way home.

When Dean texted him that Benny was at the house, he panicked. He had mixed feelings about him. He was a good a loyal friend (or maybe ex now that Sam thinks more about it) but he also wasn't the best influence on Dean. Benny was friends with Dean back when they both did hard drugs. They had gotten sober together, but Dean was in a sensitive place right now. With Andrea dying, so was Benny. He feared the combination would lead them down a dark path.

Dean must've sensed Sam's worry through his texts because Dean replied with: we're just talking. I don't think you should come home right away. I promise I'll text you if we leave. He's been clean for over a year. We're good.

Sam had agreed. Dean seemed so happy this morning, he believed his brother would be ok. Seeing Cas changed things.

When Sam walked into the kitchen, both Dean and Benny were coming something for dinner.

"Hey, Sam. Didn't realize you'd be home for dinner. No biggie though we have enough," Dean smiled at Sam.

"Yeah meant to text, my bad," he looked at Benny, "Benny, Dean told me what happened, I'm so sorry. I was at my girlfriend's house and then I had class..."

Benny patted Sam's shoulder, "it's alright, brother, and thanks."

Then dinner was quiet. Sam wanted to talk to Dean about Cas right away, but he couldn't bring it up with Benny around.

"So you have a girlfriend?" Benny asked.

"Yeah," Sam nodded, "Her name's Eileen. She's pre-law like me."

"That's nice."

Sam smiled. He tried not to be awkward, but all he could think about was Cas.

Dean and Benny started talking again. They carried the rest of the conversation.

Sam's washing the dishes when Benny leaves to go to the bathroom.

Dean whisper screamed, "Sam what the hell is going on? If you got something to say, say it, but we ain't kicking Benny out."

Dean turned and spoke quietly, "that's not what this is about. This isn't about Benny."

"So there is something, spit it out."

"I'm not sure if you wanna talk about this with Benny around."

Dean frowned, "well I told him he could stay the night."

Sam paused, "let's talk outside."

Chapter Text

"Alright, we're outside, what?"

Sam crossed his arms, "well you tell me,"

Dean scoffed and threw his arms out, "Sam, I am clearly not getting any of the hints you're trying to throw at me."

"Fine, did something happen between you and Castiel?"

Dean smiled and looked away, "Yeah, how'd you-" his face went pale, "you're upset. It's not- it's not 'cause we're both guys I thought-"

"No, it's- what?"

"Is it 'cause he's your professor? Because you're not in his class-"

"No. Dean, stop! I don't actually know what's going on, what happened between you and Castiel?"

"Well uh," Dean sighed, "I invited him over because I wanted to apologize to him, you know, in person. Then he took me to this club and we-"

Sam's eyes widened, "Dean what the hell?! He's an alcoholic why would you-"

"I know! Sam listen-"

"That's a dick move even for you Dean."

"Quit it Sam, it was his idea. This place, it was- how do I describe it- it was a sober bar. No bar, really. Like there was no alcohol at all."

"What? That's a thing?"

"Yeah, it's a nice place. Mostly for young addicts. People that want someplace to party without the pressure of drinks or drugs."

"Oh," Sam bit his fingernail and mumbled, "Then how'd he get drinking again?"

"What was that?"

"Nothing. What happened next?"

"Well, uh after a while, he brought me home." Dean blushed.

"And?" Sam couldn't help but smile at his big brother being all flustered.

"We uh kissed," Dean bit his lip, thinking about how nice it was to have Cas's lips against his, "we're dating now."

Sam clapped his brother's shoulder, "that's great man-" the smile dropped from his face, "wait. Dean, Cas isn't ok. I saw him stumbling around campus drunk."

Dean's head shot up, "What?"

"I'm pretty sure he walked himself home, but he was like really drunk."

"How is that possible? He- he was sober. He was happy. I- what-"

"Did anything else happen last night?"

"No! No, I need to see him." Dean went down the porch steps.

"Dean wait," Sam followed him, "you're not taking the car?"

"She needs gas, there's no time."

Sam wanted to say, yes there's definitely time, Castiel is safe at home, but he stopped himself. 

Dean started walking down the street. Sam a few steps behind him.

"You know where he lives?"

"Yeah, I went there once to drop something off," he turned around and stopped to look at Sam. Sam stopped too, only a few feet away.

"Sam can you uh," he cleared his throat, "can you not follow me? I want to talk to Cas alone."

"You sure you don't want me to go with you?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. This is personal."

"Alright fine. Of course. Do you have your phone?"

Dean slapped his pockets, "yup. I'll call." He started walking down the street again.

"What about your wallet? Cash?"

"No, but it's all good."

"Really? I could grab some real quick just in case."

"I'll be fine Sam," Dean called over his shoulder, "I'm just going to Cas's."

Sam frowned. Logically, he knew Dean didn't need money or his help, but he wanted to be there for Dean. Although it didn't seem like Castiel's problems were about their relationship. Dean would be fine. He'd just have to keep telling himself that. 

"Be safe!" He called out.

Dean just waved his hand, not looking back.

It would be okay. Dean seemed to be in a good place mentally. Despite the negative circumstances, he was happy reconnecting with Benny. Dean could help Castiel. Everything would be alright.

Cas POV
He downed three Advil and made his way back to his bed. He had a pounding headache that was not going away. He would go get some more to drink, except he was too tired to go anywhere. The part of his mind that was sober told him that he wouldn't be able to drive anyways. He was cranky and couldn't wait for the unconsciousness of sleep to take him over.

It took him a minute to realize that the slamming wasn't all in his head, someone was knocking on his door. He shuffled over and opened it. As soon as he saw those green eyes he slammed the door.

"Cas, let me in!" Dean called through the door.

Cas squeezed his eyes shut. "Just go away, Dean!"

"I just want to help."

"Help?" Cas was dangerously close to laughing, "you came here to help?"

"Yes. Sam told me that you were drunk and I was worried."

Cas rolled his eyes then opened his door. He glared at those green eyes. Eyes he couldn't help but to think were beautiful. "You're really fucking dense, you know that?"

"What?"

"I'm not stupid Dean, just leave me alone."

"Let me help you Cas, you're drunk. Tell me what made you so upset."

He's really still playing this game? After everything, you think he'd have more respect for me. 

"I'm drunk because of you Dean."

"Because of me? Cas, what-"

"You disgust me, Dean Winchester."

Dean flinched, "Cas... the kiss..."

"Was a mistake."

It really wasn't. Cas had been wanting to do that ever since he first saw him get out of from under that car. But Dean was a bad person. Just like everyone else in his life. He never should've assumed differently. Metatron manipulated him. Naomi manipulated him. His own father manipulated him. Dean was just pretending to be vulnerable to get Cas to let his guard down.

How could Dean make up the court case? His logical brain argued.

Shut up, his emotional brain responded

He realized Dean was talking.

"I don't know what you're even talking about. What changed between last night and now."

"A lot. I realized that I don't want to be with someone like you."

"Someone like me?!" Dean was getting angry, he couldn't help it.

Cas jammed his finger into Dean's chest, "someone who is wasting their life."

Cas could tell this one hurt. Dean took a step back. A twisted sense of satisfaction encouraged Cas to keep going.

"Someone like you should be using intelligence to help the world. Instead, you're selfishly throwing your life away. You've been a mechanic, what, 20 years?" he shook his head, "throwing your life away."

Dean slapped away the finger that was still against his chest, "I did it all for Sam. To provide for him. To give him a better life!"

"Maybe at first, but you stayed because you were scared. Scared of taking risks, of trying something new. What if you weren't good at it?"

"Shut up!"

"Why?" Cas sneered.

"You don't know anything about me!"

"No, I know everything about you."

Dean glared at him.

"I've seen you at your lowest, and now I know that it doesn't get much better than that."

"Bullshit."

"Oh yeah? Then tell me I'm wrong. Tell me you're not just a scared little kid stuck in the past."

Dean clenched his fists and kept his mouth closed.

"Exactly. Go on and hit me if you want, it'll just prove my point. Obviously, I don't want to date anymore. I hope never to talk to you again, Dean Winchester."

With that Cas took a step back and paused. 

"Whore," he added then slammed the door. He didn't bother to see Dean's reaction. He went right back to his bed. He curled up and tried to sleep but found himself more awake than before. The rage probably helped the alcohol wade off quicker. 

He thought yelling at Dean would make him feel better, but he still felt like shit. It probably wasn't emotional. Just physical. Just because of the hangover. You got drunk because of Dean. No, he was fine, just needed some rest. You love him. Not he most certainly did not. Not when he cheats in less than 24 hours after they agreed to date. You caused him pain. You made him cry. Did Dean cry? He couldn't remember. Was he okay? Stop it. You shouldn't care. Let him go. 

But Cas couldn't. He loved Dean. The way his face crinkled when he smiled. The sound of his laugh. The unique color of his eyes. He couldn't find another green like it. 

So Cas cried. Cried for his loss. Cried because he let himself be open. Then got spit in the face. 

Why does this always happen to me?

Because you're unlikeable. Weird. Undeserving of love. It's your fault. It's all your fault. Always. Always your fault.  Always. Always Always. It's your fault. Always your fault. Your fault. Yours. Always.

He ran his hands through his hair and whipped tears from his face. He tucked his knees into his chest and wrapped his arms around himself.

He would always be alone.

Always.

Always.

Always.

And it was all his fault.

Chapter Text

Dean pov
"Whore."

It was like he was stabbed. He clutched his chest. The tears that were already forming in his eyes began pouring down his face. His legs couldn't take it. His knees gave out. He was kneeling on the ground in front of Cas's door.

He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. His throat closed up. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. His head was pounding. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me.He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. His ears were buzzing. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He didn't know if his eyes were closed or if his tears were blocking his sight. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. Maybe he was so light headed he was going to black out. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He had no idea how much time had passed. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He felt like he was going to throw up. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. God he was pathetic. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He needs to get out of here. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. But this VOICE just won't SHUT UP. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He managed to get his breathing steady. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. Dean managed to get onto his feet. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He was still shaking. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He got his vision back. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He scrubbed his face. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me. He hates me.

He found himself walking down the road. He didn't know where he was going, but at least he was away from Cas's house. Oh God, Cas. He hates me. Thinks I'm disgusting. Used up. And it was true. Everything Cas said was true.

Cas had seen the deepest parts of him. He was right to be disgusted. But he thought Cas... no Cas hates you.

He fucking hates you.

Dean was going crazy. He needed his thoughts to stop. How could he make the voice just go away?

He knew exactly how. He had such little resolve left to argue. In fact, he was subconsciously walking in that direction anyway. Towards a place he didn't want to go. To do something he swore he wouldn't do again.

But who gives a fuck?

Sam does. You do.

No, he didn't care about being sober. Not really. Stopping his racing mind was the only thing that mattered.

Cas hates you.

He would deal with Sam later. He could always lie. No, he couldn't. He'd deal with it later.

He arrived at hell. Crowley's backstreet club.

The bouncer knew him and opened the door for him. It was still relatively early, so the place was quiet by club standards. There was still music and a couple groups of people huddled around.

Cas thinks you're disgusting.

He ignored them and went right to the back room. Crowley's personal hook-up room. The bodyguard outside stopped him.

"Let me in," Dean mustered a glare on his face.

"Can't do that," the bodyguard responded, "Mr. Crowley isn't taking any visitors."

"I'm no visitor," he straightened up and crossed his arms, "now get out of my way."

The guard looked unfazed. "Under no circumstances can I let you in."

"I'm Dean Winchester. Crowley wants to see me."

The man's eye widened for a second. Then he nodded and stepped aside.

He opened the door and sighed.

Cas is right. You're a whore.

"Who dares open that-" Crowley looked up and froze. He had just injected himself with heroin.

Dean closed the door behind him.

Cas hates you.

"Dean," a slight smile tugs at Crowley's lips, "what are you doing here?"

The tough facade Dean had put on for the bodyguard melted away.

"Crowley I need a hit. The strongest you've got."

He put the needle down, "there's plenty of dealers you can buy stuff off outside."

He hates you.

"I don't have money. Please, Crowley. I need it."

Crowley licked his lips. He loved seeing Dean all desperate.

"Then there's nothing I can do for you."

Dean shut his eyes, "I'll pay a different way."

"No."

Dean opened his eyes wide, "w-what?"

"I'm a businessman, I can't do that anymore."

"But- but I need-"

"The answer is no."

Cas hates you. Even Crowley doesn't want a slut like you.

Dean's breathing sped up, "no Crowley, you can't."

"Oh but I can."

Dean pulled his shirt over his head then threw it aside. He took a few anxious steps towards the other man, "please I'll do anything. Anything. I need something. Please, Crowley. I need- I need something. I'll do anything."

"Anything?" Crowley's eyebrow twitched as he slowly looked up and down Dean's bare chest.

Dean wanted to throw up. To cower. To get himself away from the gaze of this demon of a man.

Cas hates me.

That phrase just kept repeating itself over and over in his head. So he stayed. He stood still. He didn't let his voice waver. Didn't let his body show how fucked up his mind felt.

Crowley licked his lips in desire.

"Please... my king," he added knowing that would turn Crowley on, "I'll do anything."

Lust filled Crowley's eyes like fire, "On your knees."

Dean instantly dropped. A dirty sense of relief flowing through him. He just had to bear through this last thing then he could relax. He could be numb. He could forget everything. Forget that Cas despises him.

"So obedient. So submissive."

His words were like razors across his skin.

Cas hates you, Good-for-nothing bitch.

"What happened? Why so desperate?" Crowley slowly walked in a circle around him. He closed his eyes.

He couldn't stop from shuddering as Crowley gently traced his fingers across Dean's back, shoulder to shoulder.

"Something come between you and that little boy toy of yours?"

Whore.

He gulped as he felt Crowley's hand cup his chin.

"Look at me," he commanded.

Dean kept his eyes closed in fear of crying when he opened them.

Crowley jerked his chin up. Dean reluctantly opened his eyes and soon he couldn't hold back the tears that slowly fell down his face.

"So I thought."

They maintained eye contact as Crowley rubbed his thumb against Dean's chin.

"You know I love you, Dean. Always have. But I've been too good to you."

Dean's lips trembled. Crowley's grip on Dean's chin tightened as he bent down and whispered into Dean's ear, "come back when you have money."

Then he pushed Dean's face down towards the ground.

Useless slut

Dean caught himself on his hands. His elbows began shaking, "wha-what? You're not-"

Whore

"No. Thanks for the little show though."

"You can't!" hot tears hit the cold wood floor.

Cas hates you

Crowley chuckled. Dean was hyperventilating, he looked up at Crowley through his tears.

"Please, Crowley. I'm begging. I-I need- please! please. I need- please- I need something I- I- I-"

Crowley threw Dean's shirt at his face, "you pathetic little thing."

Dean clutched the shirt against his chest.

Fucking pathetic whore

"No. No, no, no, no nono no-no no."

Useless bitch

He could no longer sit up. He leaned forward until his forehead was against the ground.

"I saved your life, Dean, and you left me. How do you think that made me feel?"

Everyone hates you

"Please..."

"You can blame Moose too. Law school fits him well."

"I'll deal with him, just give me-"

"He's threatened my business, Dean. Said he'll take me down if I ever sold to you again."

"No..."

"Yeah."

"I won't let him, please."

"You won't be able to do anything in this state. Now get out "

Pathetic whore

"No, please please please. Please, no, please. Please no... no."

Crowley was saying something but Dean couldn't hear anything over the screams in his ears.

Cas thinks you're disgusting and he's right.

How fucked up do you have to be to get rejected by a bottom feeder like Crowley.

A hand grabbed the hair on the back of his head. He felt someone's breath on his neck. They spoke right into his ear, "get out or I'll have someone drag you out."

"Please I need something... I can't!"

The man let go and Dean fell back into sorrow on the floor.

In an instant, there were two people grabbing at his arms.

"No, please, no." Dean kept muttering to himself. He couldn't breathe. Couldn't see. Couldn't fight back.

The men hauled him up and brought him outside. They threw him face-first on the gravel. He got a mouthful of dust.

He entered a coughing fit that he never really gets out of. There were rocks pressing into his arms and abs, but he doesn't care.

He doesn't care about anything. He brought his shirt up to his face and cried into it. He was vaguely aware of the people around him. Some were concerned, others laughed. Dean didn't care. They weren't talking about him. He wasn't really there. It was just his body that was laying there. He was just watching it happen.

He didn't move. Even when he stopped crying. There was no point. No where to go. His last resort was hell on earth and they just threw him out.

Along the way, a couple of people nudged him with their feet or tapped him on the shoulder. He didn't react to them. They saw he was alive so they soon moved on. One persistent set of hands started pushing him. He got rolled over to his back. He didn't mind. Well, the rocks started digging into his back. He felt a sharp pain in his shoulder, but that didn't matter. He didn't even care enough to open his eyes. He felt his shoulder hit something hard. He was against the wall of the club. The hands left and he was alone again.

No one bothered him for a while after that. At least he thinks it's a while. He can't be sure, he's not paying attention to what's happening around him.

Then there's a hand against his face. It held him up for a second then gave him a little slap.

He didn't move or open his eyes, but he grunted to get the person to go away.

"Come on, Dean."

He recognized the voice but couldn't place it anywhere. The man gave him a quick shake but Dean refused to move.

Next they started... patting down his pockets?

Jokes on them he had no money. That's why he was on the ground.

They took his phone out of his pocket. Oh.

Whatever he couldn't care less. He could lose Cas's number. Fuck, Cas. No. Fuck Cas!

"Hey Sam. This is Lee Webb. Yeah, no. Well, he's not injured. Crowley's place. Yeah."

The man was Lee? And he called Sam? Stupid snitch.

He didn't hear Lee leave. He hesitantly opened one eye. Lee was towering above him. Dean groaned and shut his eyes again. Lee didn't say anything. Dean was thankful for that.

He might've fallen asleep because in what felt like an instant, he heard the loud frantic footsteps that could only be one person.

"Dean!" Sam knelt down next to him, "Dean what happened?"

Dean waved a hand in the air, "nuthin."

"What're you doing here?"

"Takin' a nap."

"You're bleeding. Did they throw you on the ground?"

"M'by," Dean mumbled.

A pair of hands grabbed his legs and another grabbed his shoulders. They rotated him and sat him up on the wall. He hissed as a small cut on his back pressed against the cold brick wall.

He slowly opened his eyes and saw three guys in front of him. Sam looked like he wanted to cry as he desperately clung on to Dean's shoulders.

"Here's his phone," Lee handed Dean's phone to the man that held his legs. It was Benny.

"Thanks brother," Benny pocketed the phone. Lee nodded and left.

Sam put his hand on Dean's forehead to check his temperature.

Dean swatted the hands away, "'M fine."

Sam spoke softly, petrified of saying the wrong thing, "Dean, what're you doing here?"

"Sleepin," Dean laid down again but the two men forced him to sit back up.

"Dean... please."

"I'm clean, ok? Your stupid plan to scare off Crowley or whatever worked." Dean was annoyed. Although he knew it was probably for the best, right now Sam's plan had stopped him from getting drugs and that sucked.

"Great, but why are you here? And shirtless?"

"Because I wanted drugs, Sam!"

Sam's gaze shot down to Dean's bare chest.

Dean huffed, "I didn't have any money."

Realization dawned on Sam's face. He quickly looked away and bit his lip.

"Dean," Benny tried, "What made you so upset?"

Dean hesitated, then decided he didn't really care. "It's Cas. He fucking hates me."

"Who?"

Sam gasped.

"Yeah," Dean glared at his brother, "thanks for the heads up."

"Dean, I didn't-" Sam felt deep confusion and guilt.

"Whatever. I don't want to talk about it." Dean went to lay down, but Sam stopped him before he could get to the ground.

Dean grunted in frustration, "just let me be."

"You know I can't Dean, if you don't want to talk about it fine. I'll give you some time, but let's get you home."

"I don't wanna go home."

"Why not?"

Dean shrugged, "don't wanna move."

Sam glanced back at Benny. Then he stood up and crossed his arms. "Dean, if you don't get up on your own, we'll carry you back home."

"Ok, ok, fine!" Dean rolled his eyes. He paused then leaned over until he was laying on the ground. He tucked his shirt under his head and closed his eyes.

He knew he was being childish and probably overly difficult. There was no real reason, he wasn't mad at Sam or Benny. He just didn't care enough to get up. He wanted to lay down and never get up again.

"Jesus Christ, Dean."

Dean was done. He'd spent all his emotional energy. Sam and Benny could think/say/do whatever they want, but Dean was done interacting with people.

There was some talking between Sam and Benny, but Dean paid it no mind. He hoped he could fall asleep again, but he wasn't that lucky. Before long, two people hauled him up. His arms were draped over their shoulders and he was forced to open his eyes. He tried to squirm away but he didn't have the drive to put up much of a fight. He sighed and allowed himself to be walked to the street.

The impala was parked badly right upfront. Sam opened the back seat door. Dean crawled in and sprawled out across the seats. Benny drove home and parked in the driveway.

Dean thought about getting out, but he was honestly comfy where he was.

Then Sam opened the door. "Are you really gonna make us do this Dean?"

"I'm good in here," Dean replied.

Sam sighed and started tugging on Dean's legs.

Dean pulled his legs back, "stop! I'll sleep in here."

"You can't, you're still bleeding. Do you want blood on the seats?"

Dean really didn't want that, but he could always scrub it off later. Then again, that would just be another task he would have to do tomorrow.

Dean grumbled to himself as he wiggled his way out of the car. He hugged himself as he walked through the doorway. He made for his bedroom but Benny stopped him.

"Hold on brother, we gotta clean that cut on your back and you got scrapes on your stomach and hands," Benny gestured at Dean.

"You wanna take a shower?" Sam asked, "you're covered in dust and gravel."

"No."

"No? Dean-"

"It's fine," Benny interrupted, "we'll just patch up this cut then you can go to bed, yeah?"

Dean sat down at one of the chairs at the kitchen table. He didn't say much as Benny cleaned the wound with a damp paper towel. Then he tapped a bandage on it.

"All set," Benny patted his shoulder. Dean stood and attempted to leave. Sam stuck out his arm. He was really crying now. The brothers locked eyes for a solid minute. Dean did nothing.

Finally, Sam tore his gaze away. His voice broke as he spoke, "You're really not going go to say anything Dean?"

Dean shook his head and brushed past Sam.

He didn't bother changing, he climbed into his bed as soon as he got there. He wrapped the covers all around him, but that didn't help the empty feeling in his chest.

Tomorrow. He'd feel better tomorrow. He would sleep it off.

Chapter Text

Sam watched his brother walk away. He didn't try and stop him. There was no reason. When Sam looked into Dean's eyes, he saw only pain.

The tears were falling hard down his face. He ran his hands through his hair.

"Oh my god," he mumbled as he sat down in a kitchen chair.

"What the hell happened?" Benny asked hoarsely.

"Good I wish I knew," Sam whipped his face and cleared his throat, "Benny if this is too much, I mean with everything else..."

Benny sat down next to Sam and put his hand on his shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere. Dean has helped me through so much, in the past and even today, I want to be here for him."

Sam resumed crying. Dean had such a big heart. What could have possibly made him this upset?

"I truly believe that Dean's my brother, and I know we ain't always on the best of terms Sam, but I consider you my brother too, truly."

"Thanks Benny. I-I I don't know what happened!"

"Well what was the last thing you said to him? At dinner?"

"Um I- it was-" Sam took a settling breath, "I brought I'm outside to talk about Cas. I saw him earlier stumbling around drunk out of his mind. He's an alcoholic. He was sober for like five months so something terrible must've happened. Dean left to check on him right away."

Benny nodded, "so how does Dean know him?"

"Well they meet, well that's actually a long story, so umm, well they became friends after Cas helped Dean through a panic attack and then they went to court together. I mean Dean had to testify and he was scared and Cas went with him and last I knew they went out to a club. Dean said they kissed and he was really happy in the morning. I assumed they were together, but now... it doesn't make sense."

"So you have no idea why Cas is upset with Dean?"

"None," Sam gave a fake smile and clapped his hands together.

"Does Dean know? I mean was he surprised when you told him Cas was drunk?"

"No. Yes. Well, he was really concerned. I don't think he knew."

"Hmmm," Benny took a moment to think.

Sam wiped tears off his face and tried to forget how empty his brother looked. How he wouldn't get off the ground. How he was so desperate to go numb he was willing to pimp himself off to Crowley. What the hell happened? Dean and Cas were supposed to get together. How could-

"I'm gonna talk to him."

Sam looked up in shock, "what?"

"This Cas guy. He's gonna give me a reason for treating Dean like that."

"We don't even know what happened."

"Exactly, so either he's gonna explain or imma wreck his ass for making Dean that upset."

"Slow down Benny, how? I mean how will you even find him?"

"Well by timing he's probably hungover in his bed and I bet..." he pulled out Dean's phone, "you know Dean's passcode?"

"Uh yeah, 1 9 6 7, why?"

"Dean always saves people's addresses in their contacts aaaaaaaand yup. Right here. Cas Novak, 18 Forrest ave."

"Oh wow."

Benny stood up, "alright I'm off."

"What you're just gonna confront him?"

"Relax I'm just-" he took a deep breath, "I'm just going to ask him to explain himself. I know Dean wouldn't want anything violent."

Sam bit his lip, "ok, thanks Benny."

Benny nodded and left.

The roar of the motorcycle's engine slowly faded away as Benny drove off.

Then it was silent.

Sam had nothing left to distract himself.

Everything was flying back through his head. Memories of Dean at his lowest. When he overdosed and Crowley dragged him across the floor. Only moving when he was choking on his own vomit. It was eerily similar to the way he found Dean today.

Too similar.

He managed to walk himself to his bedroom before the crying took over. He fell into his bed as his breathing became rigged. He couldn't lose Dean. Maybe this time there was no physical threat of death, but there were other ways Sam could lose him.

Dean had no energy, no emotion, no... life.

Maybe Dean wasn't dead, but his spirit was gone.

He was doing so well. He hadn't gone to Crowley's club since his od. Maybe he's skipped up and smoked a couple of times, but he was doing so well.

He testified in court and he didn't break down.

Sam was so proud of him. So proud of his big brother. He looked up to him. Dean had raised him. He was his role model for everything. And Sam was so, so proud of Dean.

Dean was strong, and kind. He had a smile that could light up a room.

This wasn't his Dean. It couldn't be. When Sam had looked into Dean's eyes, he saw a stranger looking back at him.

That was the scariest thing.

Losing Dean like that.

It wouldn't be the first time Sam thought he lost his brother to his own mind.

Chapter Text

John grabbed his older son by the neck of his shirt and yelled into his face, "YOU'RE WASTING YOUR LIFE."

Dean's voice was small, "It's important."

"BULL SHIT."

There's a harsh slap and a body hits the floor.

9-year-old Sam backs away from the closed door. Dean had told him to hide in the closet when he heard the car pull up.

Sam had been listening through the door but now it was too much.

Dean was getting hurt. Dad was hurting Dean. Dad was drunk. He couldn't control himself. Dean wanted Sam to hide so Dad couldn't hurt him too.

Dean and Dad kept arguing but Sam covered his ears. He hummed to himself as time ticked by.

The door opened and the closet filled with light. The left side of Dean's face was red along with his eyes.

Sam jumped up and hugged his brother. Dean placed his arms around Sam, but he didn't really hug back. This never happened. Sam got worried.

"What's wrong Dean? What happened?" He hugged Dean tighter.

"It was stupid. Don't worry about it."

"Dean?" Sam pulled away and looked up at Dean's face. It was strange. Dean didn't look happy or sad. He just looked... blank.

"Dad was right it was dumb for me to even bring it up."

"What Dean?"

Dean sighed, "the middle school is having a graduation ceremony, but it's one of the nights I'm working so I can't go."

"You can't just skip work?"

"No, it's not worth it. Working is important. I don't want to waste my life on trivial things."

"But you seemed so excited before! You're going into high school now Dean, you're so smart and old."

Dean shrugged, "I changed my mind. Now that I'm older I gotta make grown-up decisions. Like choosing work over a silly party."

Sam frowned, "you're not that old."

"No, but work is important, money is important. It's just middle school," Dean smiled, "Now come on, let's go to bed."

"O-ok," Sam could tell Dean wasn't really smiling, but he didn't know why. They went to the bathroom and brushed their teeth. Sam looked over at his brother. He was moving the toothbrush up and down, but it was like he was moving in slow motion.

Sometimes Dean got like this after he and dad fought. But he seemed really upset this time. But that was the thing. What was he feeling? He wasn't sad. He wasn't crying. Sam hopped a good night's sleep would help his brother. It always helped Sam.

But Dean didn't get better.

He just didn't do anything. He walked Sam to school and then picked him up. He went to work and made dinner. He finished his responsibilities.... but nothing else.

No matter how many times Sam tried to engage Dean in a conversation. It never lasted. Dean would give short answers, sometimes only giving a nod in response.

 If Dean would only do his obligations then maybe...

Sam called out to his brother right away, "Dean! Can you come here?"

Sam was doing his math homework on the kitchen counter. Dean entered the room and looked at Sam expectantly.

"I need help with this math problem and it's due tomorrow so I have to do it."

Dean sighed, "I don't-"

"I need your help!" Sam turned the paper around so Dean could see it.

It was a word problem. Sam knew how to get an equation from it, but he wanted Dean to help.

"Alright," Dean sat down next to Sam, "So every day Billy gets 75 cents from his mom, every 5 days his dad gives him $8, and every month his grandma gives him $25.50. How much money will Billy have after a year? Do you know where to start?"

Sam shook his head, "this one is too complicated."

"Don't worry, you can do it. So let's break it down. First, we know that there are 365 days in a year, and every day he gets 75 cents from his mom. So write down 365 times .75. Then he gets $8 every five days. Now we have to see how many 5 day segments are in a year. Any guess on how to do that?"

"Divide 365 by 5?"

"Right!" Dean smiled, "See? You're getting it. Write that down."

Sam did the math. It came out to 73. He then wrote down 73 x 8.

"Next, how many months are in a year?"

Sam laughed, "twelve obviously."

"Yup! So write down 12 times 25.5. You think you know what the next step is?"

"Um add them all together?"

"You're killing it! See?" Dean's excitement waivered, "you don't even need me."

Of course I need you! Sam wanted to yell. That would be too awkward. Dean would probably talk less. Sam needed to think quickly. Dean had smiled and was talking, he couldn't let him stop.

"You helped me think through it. That made it make sense. Can you help me with the rest of the worksheet?"

"Sure, Sammy. Of course."

Dean never said no to helping Sam with his homework. It forced him to talk and explain the problem. Eventually, the talking became smoother and it was easier for Dean to talk in everyday situations. He became more expressive and regained his energy.

Sam was glad that things went back to normal. Whenever Dean got shut in like that, he would ask for help on his homework. This coaxed him into talking and feeling better.

A response to a comment asking about Benny/Dean's relationship I want everyone to see:

Dean and Benny are old friends. They hooked up once at the beginning of their friendship but decided they were better friends. Sam never knew (he knew they were friends but Dean was still closeted). When Cas ran by he heard them laughing because they were reminiscing and cheering each other up (not hooking up). There will be no future Benny/Dean. Dean told Sam not to come back to the house, not because they might hook up, but because Sam and Benny have a rocky relationship and Benny was in a bad place mentally. Sam was originally cold towards Benny because he didn't like Benny and Dean doing drugs together and Sam thought he was a bad influence (Benny's a good guy, just an addict). Sam was only awkward at dinner because he really wanted to talk about Cas (no sexual tension between Dean and Benny). Sam thinks something bad has happened between Cas and Dean so he doesn't want to confront Dean about it in front of Benny (because Dean might not be honest, Benny doesn't know the whole story, and Benny's still grieving).

Chapter Text

The motorcycle roared to a stop.

Benny took his helmet off and double-checked google maps. Yup, this was the place. He parked the bike and set his helmet on the handlebars.

He approached the house and took a deep breath before knocking on the front door.

The door opened as much as the door chain allowed.

"Uh hello?" A man with completely messed up hair peered through the crack.

"Are you Cas Novak?" Benny asked.

"Yes, and you are?"

"My name's Benny. I'm a friend of Dean's."

"What?" Cas laughed, "you're joking?"

"No I'm not."

"He's never mentioned you before, what are you doing here?"

"Well, we're old friends. Haven't spoken in a while. We just met up again this morning."

"Oh," Cas spat. Then he slammed the door.

"Hey!" Benny yelled. The door stayed closed.

"Open this door!" Benny was ready to kick it down if necessary. He didn't have to because a few seconds later he heard the lock clicking.

Cas yanked the door open all the way with a glare. He laced venom into his words, "what the hell do you want?"

"A fucking explanation. An' I ain't leaving until I get one."

"Explanation? Explanation! From me?" Cas laughed dryly, "I should be the one demanding an explanation from Dean!"

"What? No! It's-" Benny took a deep breath, "alright now, why do- why do you want an explanation from Dean? What did he do?"

"Don't you know? Weren't you the one he was fucking this morning?"

Benny takes a step back, "what?!"

Cas could see the confusion on Benny's face. His confidence subsided, but he was still angry. He couldn't be wrong.

"This morning I, well it's not like I was stalking, I go for runs every morning, but I ran past Dean's house and I heard him moaning with some guy and-"

"What?!"

"Yeah I-"

"The fuck you talking about? I was at his house this morning and we were just talking! My wife just died and Dean was cheering me up. I don't know whose fucking moaning you heard but it ain't Dean's."

"No I- I heard it. Clear as day. Dean was-" was he moaning? The more Cas thought the more he struggled to remember what happened this morning, "I-"

"Yeah and now-"

"Really? Dean was just talking?" He couldn't have been. That would mean Cas said all those... no he wasn't wrong. This man was lying.

"Yeah, what'd you think happened? He slept with someone? What the- I thought you two were together?"

"I did too! Until Dean cheated on me."

"Brother I'm telling you Dean ain't slept with no one."

"Stop lying."

"I ain't."

"I- no! You're lying, you have to be. If not I-" Cas gulped.

"What? What happened between you two? Dean has barely spoken since we dragged him back from club hell."

"What? I- no bu- what did Dean do?"

"You first. Tell me everything."

"Ok uh come inside, don't want to disturb the neighbors."

Cas stepped back and, after a moment's hesitation, Benny entered. 

Cas closed the door. They stood awkwardly in the mudroom.

Benny crossed his arms, "well? What the hell did you do to Dean?

"I- so he knocked on my door. I told him to go away. I think I was still a little drunk... um then he didn't leave so I told him... he disgusted me, he was selfish, I called him a scared little boy. I told him he was wasting his life and then-" Cas became quiet in shame "then I called him a whore."

Benny was silent for most of Cas's ramble, but his anger was too much by the end. His muscles unfroze and he moved without thinking. He took one big step forward, pulled his arm back, and then slammed his fist across Cas's face.

"Don't you ever call Dean that, ever!"

"Ow! fuck!" Cas rubbed the side of his face. His cheekbone had cut open.

"No wonder Dean's depressed as hell! He liked you a lot an' he ain't never wronged you. Then you say that to him?!" he clenched his fists and took two steps back.

"He did wrong me. He slept with-"

"No, he didn't," Cas couldn't help but hear the conviction in Benny's words, "what in god's name lead you to believe that?"

"I-" Cas was spiraling. What he thought were facts and memories were starting to fade away. What really happened when he ran past Dean's house? Why was he running there in the first place?  

"Dean lied to me!" Cas yelled, "he texted me and canceled our morning plans because there was an emergency, but there wasn't!"

Benny huffed, "well I can't speak for Dean. I don't know why he said that. There was no medical emergency or anything. I was with him in the morning," Benny shook his head, "but man, that don't give you the right to say those things."

"I..." Cas clenched his eyes shut, "I need to talk to him. Can I talk to him?"

"Well, that isn't my decision to make. Dean's pretty messed up right now. He went to Crowley's club."

Cas's eyes widened. He knew Crowley from Garth's. He also remembered Dean's altercation with the man.

Benny continued, "an' Dean was willing to fuck him for drugs! But he was thrown out. And you know what Dean did next?! Nothing. That's right. He laid down on the ground, bleeding, for hours because he had no will left in him. Someone- not Dean- finally called Sam. We went to pick him up and he still wouldn't move. We had to carry him to the fucking car!"

"Jesus Christ, I need to apologize. Is he home right now?"

"Listen," Benny put his hands up, "I know you want to straighten everything out, but Dean ain't ready to listen. He barely let us treat his wound before he collapsed into his bed."

"Let me explain then! Then he'll be good again."

"Ain't how it works. Dean isn't gonna magically feel better once he knows the truth. You hurt him, Cas. he needs time to recover. Let me an' Sam get him through the night. Then we'll contact you when he's ready."

"What if he's never ready?" tears started forming in the corner of Cas's eyes but he kept them in.

Benny pondered Cas's question for a moment before answering, "He deserves to know the truth behind your actions. You'll get to talk to him one way or another."

Cas nodded. With nothing else to say, Benny turned his back and opened the door.

Before he left, Benny looked over his shoulder, "he really liked you Cas. Lord knows why."

Then he stormed out, slamming the door behind him. 

Cas heard the motorcycle roar to life and take off.

What the fuck just happened?

He fell to his knees. Once again he found himself crying over Dean Winchester. This time there was no doubt about it. It wasn't just his self-hatred. He had lost one of the best things that had ever happened to him. All because he thought it was too good to be true. So he made up something to make Dean the bad guy. 

His memory was clear again. On his run by, he heard Dean laughing. It was a beautiful laugh, but somber. And there was another man's laugh as well. It reminded him of Benny's voice. No moaning at all.

Benny really was telling the truth, wasn't he? Dean would never cheat on him. 

He said all those things, broke his heart, broke Dean's heart, all because of nothing.

Sorry wasn't even going to come close to what Cas would have to say.

Chapter Text

When Sam woke up, he had no idea what time it was. He rubbed his eyes and grabbed his phone. 11:00?! Thank god it was the weekend. Then everything hit him. Cas being drunk. Dean admitting he and Cas kissed. Sending Dean off. Receiving that chilling phone call. Rushing over. Finding his brother on the ground, unable to make himself move. The dull and emotionless face of his brother staring back at him.

He groaned and pushed himself up. He must've fallen asleep before Benny got back. He trudged out of his room. He found Benny munching on some bacon and eggs at the breakfast table.

"Any news?"

"Yeah, we need to talk. Let's get you some coffee first."

"Yes please."

Benny quickly finished eating and went to see if Dean wanted breakfast.

Dean mumbled something that sounded like 'not hungry' before rolling over in bed. Benny sighed and let him be.

When he returned to the kitchen, Sam was much more alert.

"Man Dean and Cas are in some messed up shit."

"That bad?" Sam asked.

"I don't even know. It was all a misunderstanding."

Sam nearly spit out his eggs, "what?! A misunderstanding?! How could-"

"Easy," Benny said gently, "let me explain."

Sam, of course, knew half of the story already, so Benny filled him in on Cas's perspective and told him how their conversation went.

"An' he wants to talk to Dean. Apologize."

"Will that even help? I mean, you saw what Dean was like."

"It'll definitely hurt him, but I think it'll be worse not knowing."

Sam nodded in agreement, "so how are we-"

Suddenly Dean walked in. They both turned to stare at him, but Dean didn't acknowledge either of them. He kept walking through the kitchen to the bathroom.

"He didn't look too bad, right?" Benny whispered to Sam.

He whispered back, "that remains to be seen."

When Dean came back, Sam offered him breakfast.

"No thanks Sammy," he had replied with a broken smile.

The next day was the same. Dean stayed in bed for most of the day. He did manage to eat a little, which Sam tried to take as a positive that he was eating at all. He didn't talk much, but he also didn't try to get high or,  much to Sam's surprise, drunk. Benny stayed with the boys and slept on the pull-out couch. Sam and Benny had an unspoken rule of sorts that while one of them was out, the other stayed and watched Dean.

Monday morning Sam was chilling in the kitchen when Dean walked in wearing his work clothes. It shocked Sam because Dean hadn't changed his clothes the past two days.

"Morning, Dean."

Dean grunted in response as he poured himself some coffee.

"You uh, going anywhere?"

Dean responded like that was the dumbest question Sam had ever asked. "Yeah. Work."

"You sure... I mean Bobby would understand..."

"Sam I'm fine, I don't need a day off."

"I'm just saying you don't have to if you need some time to-"

"To do what, Sam?" Dean stood up, "What I need is to get out of this house."

"Alright," Sam put his hands up in defeat, "as long as you're good."

"Yeah, I'm fine. Still sober and I haven't had any opportunity to sneak off or something with you and Benny watching me all the time."

"Well, we-"

"Stop it Sam. I'm not dumb. It's fine," he chugged down the rest of his coffee, "I'm gonna be late."

With that Dean left. Sam stayed in his seat until the sound of the Impala faded away.

Benny stood in the doorway, "you good?"

"He did seem better."

"Was talking 'bout you, Sam."

"Yes, I-" he sighed, "I don't think he'll do anything drastic, but I can't stop worrying."

Benny nodded.

It was true. The next few days were fine. Dean got up. Went to work. Came home sober.  

But he was unusually quiet, not talking to anyone. This was because his thoughts were racing inside his head.

He was particularly stuck in his head on his way to work on Friday. Sam had taken the impala to Eileen's so he was walking there. Suddenly there was a hand on his shoulder. He flinched back and prepared to punch whoever it was. But the other guy was quicker.

Chapter Text

"Woah, woah, relax," he put his hands up, "just wanted to make sure you were ok."

"Yeah, well, I'm- it's fine, thanks, I guess."

"Well, you want a hit?" He offered his joint, "looks like you could use one."

"Uhhh," Dean knew he shouldn't, but holy hell was that appealing right now.

The man took a step back, "look I know it seems sketchy, but I ain't asking for anything, honest, and this is clean, it's technically medical "

"What the hell, sure," Dean took the offered joint, "you're name's not Don, is it?"

He laughed, "no man, it's Luce, like the beginning of Lucifer."

"Your parents named you after the devil?"

"Yeah, they were crazy freaks. They named my twin brother Michel. I got siblings named Adam and Eve, which is even weirder because in the bible they're like together, so yeah, I kinda grew up in a cult. What about you?"

"Ha well, I can't top that. It's been just me and my brother Sam since I graduated high school."

They passed the joint back and forth a couple of times. The conversation flowed easily. Dean relished the feeling of his brain being quiet again. He checked his watch and realized he needed to hurry up and get to work.

He handed the joint back to Luce and pushed himself off the wall he was leaning against.

"Alright Luce, thanks for the hit, but I gotta get to work now."

"Dean wait!" Luce grabbed Dean's arm. This time Dean didn't flinch. He turned and looked at Luce who was now standing extra close to him.

"Can I- Can I see you again? Sorry if that's too forward. I mean I don't know if you even like guys but shit we can just be friends if you want- I- Just you're like super hot and I just-"

"Luce relax!" Dean smiled, "yeah you can see me again."

"Yeah?" Luce broke out in a smile, the tension visibly leaving his shoulders.

"Yeah, gimme your phone."

Luce handed it over and Dean put his number in. He held it out, but when Luce went to take it back, Dean pulled away.

"Just for the record," Dean smirked, "we don't have to be 'just friends' if that's what you want."

Luce smiled as he took his phone back.

Dean had his most productive day at work.

Ok so probably not the most productive ever but compared to the low-motivation week he had, this was great. Even Bobby comment on his good mood, but Dean also suspected Sam had gone and told Bobby some crazy story. No even and overconcerned little brother could dampen his mood. Luce had texted Dean after his lunch break, asking to get lunch tomorrow. Dean felt bad that he left the guy on delivered for a bit but then he told himself to stop looking so negatively. Finally, something good was happening in his life, he couldn't let himself get in the way. Besides, he had told Luce that he was off to work. Dean responded with a yes. Luce responded almost instantly if he could pick Dean up for lunch. Again, Dean said yes and sent his address. Luce sent 'see ya then' and a winky face.

Dean's music was playing when Sam got home.

"Hey Dean," Sam smiled, "Whatcha cooking?"

Dean turned around the stove and saw Sam in the doorframe, "oh hey Sam, didn't see you come in. Wasn't Eileen going to join us?"

"Yeah but she wasn't feeling too good, so she stayed home."

"And Benny?"

"I'm not sure, he should be here soon. You gonna tell me what you're making?"

"Oh yeah right," Dean laughed, "burgers. I feel like it's been too long since we've had some nice burgers."

Sam smiled at seeing his brother laugh, "That's true I guess. What's got you in such a good mood?"

"No nothing..."

"That was so suspicious, what are you-" his smile dropped abruptly, "You on drugs?"

"What no! God Sam."

"Sorry it's just- you were still so upset, I can't think of anything else that would turn things around so quickly."

"Well," a smile tugged at his lips at the memory, "I met someone."

"You met someone?" surprise clear in Sam's voice.

"Yeah, it was uh," Dean hesitated, almost lying. Old habits die hard. He cleared his throat, "it was a guy I met on my walk to work. So I guess I should let you take my baby out more often."

"Oh that's great. He uh give you his number?"

"Yeah," Dean was beaming, "we're grabbing lunch tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?"

Dean furrowed his eyebrows.

"I mean, don't you think that might be a little fast. Cas-"

"Cas and I weren't actually dating," Dean was instantly tense, "so I don't have to move on or anything."

"Ok fine, but still you're upset about it."

"SO you want me to stay upset? Stay alone in this house the rest of my life?"

"Dea, no! of course not I just..."

"Want me to be happy?" Dean supplied when Sam trailed off.

"Yeah."

"Well, Luce made me happy. You saw that as soon as you walked in here."

"That's-" he sighed, "that's true. You're right. Sorry, Dean."

"Thank you, now what do you want on your burger?"

Chapter Text

Luce picked Dean up for lunch and things were going great. They went to a dinner that was sort of far away, but it was fine because they talked the whole way there. Luce was a little more stand-off-ish than yesterday, but that could be for a lot of reasons. He started avoiding questions that were about him. Dean can't judge too hard, there's plenty of shit he wouldn't want to talk about in his life, but some of the questions were pretty basic. It was fine though. Some people just weren't.... into small talk like that.

They were seated in a booth at the dinner.

"The burgers here are the best," Luce said, "that's what I normally get."

"My man," Dean smiled, "that's my favorite thing to order."

They ordered and Dean got to talk about Sam. He wasn't exactly ashamed to be living with his brother. He loved it, he loved his brother. It just wasn't always the best thing to tell someone you might want to sleep with. Luce was cool with it. It finally got him talking about his personal life more. He talked about his many siblings. They never got along, he moved away from them as soon as he could.

There was a slight pause in the conversation as they both had their last bites.

"Hey, do you wanna come back to my place? It's close."

"Oh um," Dean paused. He couldn't say he's never hooked up on a first date, but he wasn't sure if that's what he wanted right now.

Luce's face scrunched up a little at Dean's hesitation, then broke out into a quick laugh, "Wait, no man, I'm sorry. I meant to get high."

"Oh," Dean blushed.

"Although," he said in a funny low voice, "not saying I'd be too opposed to what you were thinking."

"Ha, no it's cool man. I'm not sure about that yet, but uh, I'll definitely go rip a few with you."

Luce smiled, "great."

The drive back was a little awkward. Dean wasn't sure if it was his little slip-up or if he was imagining the tension altogether. It was a short drive, which really surprised Dean.

"If you live over here, what were you doing yesterday?" he asked as they walked from the car to the house.

"Meh, not quite sure. Didn't really have a purpose, kinda just took a drive. And also some jerks are starting to remember what I look like and that I ain't exactly smoking cigs."

"Hey brought us together didn't it."

Luce has a sideways smile on his face, "You sap, stop it."

Dean chuckles, "Alright, but I bet you'd say that if you were high."

"Pshhh, no way. I can handle my high. I'd never admit something like that."

"Hmm, we'll see," Dean put his hands up.

Luce faked a glare at Dean but then told him to wait in the living room while he got the stuff.

"Here you go, two fresh little j's," Luce held one out to Dean.

"Oh um, you already rolled them."

"Um yeah, why?"

"No nothing, thanks."

Idiot Dean you're supposed to watch. You need to know what's in there. Never just take what you're offered.

He was fine. He wasn't in Crowley's club doing anything to get anything. He was safe.

you're with a guy you've known less than 24 hours...

Dean leaned over to Luce's offered light and then took a big pull. He was fine. No need to be all paranoid and the weed would help with that.

"So," Luce lit his joint up then looked up with a crooked smile, "what's the meaning of life?"

It was so blunt that laughter jumped out of Dean.

"Man hell if I know," he shook his head.

"Guess we're not high enough for that then. Although this is supposed to be the good stuff. A friend got it for me and he said it was supposed to be the best high, from the least amount of weed, with none of the bad side effects."

"That sounds amazing, but I'm not sure all that's possible."

"Eh, when we smoked it we did get high quick, don't exactly remember everything, but what I do remember isn't bad. I mean, I still managed to get hungover so it's not the holy grail of weed or anything."

"Unfortunate," Dean

"Yeah, well. Weed is weed ya know. Anyways maybe we should talk about something. So tell me Dean, what's one topic you feel you could talk forever about?"

"Uh, I'm not sure. I mean, I've already told you all about Sam and my Baby, which is probably 90% of my life."

"No random topic? Because I was prepared to talk about the moon."

"The moon?"

Luce laughed, "Yeah! I loved talking about the dumbest random things when high. That's why I asked the meaning of life question, I don't know man, I just think it's funny."

Dean shrugged with his hands up, "Well go ahead, tell me about the moon."

"Gosh, where do I start? Yes ok, the tides! You probably already know that the moon's gravity pulls at the water on the earth to cause the tides right?"

"'Course."

"But that only makes sense for the side of the Earth that's actually near the moon right, so why is it also high tide on the opposite side of the Earth?"

"Oh, never thought about that."

"Well let me tell ya! It's physics. The centrifugal force from the spinning of the Earth-Moon system. Not just the Earth, but the Earth-Moon system. Because when you add the Moon into the equation, the center of mass of the system is not the center of the Earth, but instead closer towards the side near the moon."

"Damn, you really do know your stuff."

"But wait, there's more! Now we add the Sun into the equation!"

"Oh, no."

"Hey, you asked. I was gonna let you go first, but then you got me talking. And I promise you can infodump about whatever you want after this. We'll keep going back and forth for hours or until we get into a topic we both like or something. Whatever, back to the sun and moon!"

Luce took a long drag before he started up again.

"Ok, so we've already established how we get high and low tides, but the tides also vary in intensity. You might've heard some newscaster or someone say the terms 'neap tide', the least difference, and 'spring tide', which has the greatest difference. That means the lowest lows and the highest highs. Any thoughts on how that happens?"

"Well you mentioned the sun, so I'm gonna say the sun?"

"Ding ding ding we've got a winner!"

Dean laughed.

"When we see a full moon or a new moon, it means that the sun, earth, and moon are in a straight line. So the sun's gravity works with the moon's gravity to make a stronger pull. Then during 1st and 3rd quarter moons, the sun, earth, and moon are at a 90° angle. So the moon and sun work against each other which results in a weaker pull."

"Wow Luc, I can picture it."

Dean was imagining three floating dots circling around each other. He could hear the waves crashing down.

"This makes me wish I was on a beach. I've always wanted to go to the beach."

"You've never been to the beach?" Luc raised an eyebrow.

"Well I mean yeah, but not like this. I'm talking about Hawai'i shirts, toes in the sand, drinks in our arms."

"That sounds nice and relaxing."

"Yeah... it'd be an actual vacation. N'tn to do. noth'n tah worry about.

Palm trees swayn the wind..............

unmgmng

sunglasssssssssssssssssssses..."

"ah"

"sh

damn it"

"Cas?"

Dean whipped the sweat off his forehead.

"What do

"Imeadatly so

NO hhoossppiittaall

Let's

I am furious right now"

"Cas?

"Dean? Can

"Almost there."

Dean groaned.

His knees hurt.

His head hurt.

His throat hurt.

"Sea way Dean lrticr janupil"

His hands were touching grass.

He shook as he threw up again.

His seatbelt was buckled.

He was holding onto a trashcan.

He threw up again.

Chapter Text

"How does that feel?"

Euphoria spread across his neck. A wave of cool relief seeped into his skin that he didn't realize was boiling.

Dean breathed out heavily and tried to nod his head. He didn't know where he was. He couldn't feel the rest of his body. But he could focus on the cold wet rag on his neck.

"Fair womb ladle."

Dean's body clenched forward but he didn't throw up. He wheezed.

"Mangaplacktoehipauhoscpitalgg we hospital."

Fuck.

"No," Dean got out, "no hosplatile."

His breathing sped up. Hospital was bad. Hospital means you messed up. They're going to take Sammy away. Lock you in a rubber room.

"Breath."

No no no no no no no no

"In..."

No no no

"Out.."

No.

"In..."

Dean found himself breathing in.

"Out...."

He felt pressure on his back slowly sliding up and down both his arms.

He focused on his breathing.

In 1 out 2 in 3 out 4 in 5 out 6 in 7 out 8 in 9 out 10 in 1 out 2 in 3
out 4
in 5
out 6
in
7
out

8

i
n
9

10

Ugh his head hurt.

Dean rubbed his face then opened his eyes. He was still feeling groggy and couldn't distinguish the room he was in.

He fell asleep?

He hasn't gone to bed though.

What was the last-

He's not in his room now. He's not in his house.

Dean sat up and tried to shake the fog from his brain.

What happened? Where was he?

"Dean!"

Dean whipped his head around.

Cas stood in the doorway with a cup of water in his hand.

"Cas?"

"How are you feeling?"

"Um fine? I don't- I'm confused."

"Here take this," Cas handed over the water which Dean gladly took. He didn't realize how parched he was until now. There was a bad taste in his mouth and his throat was so dry.

"Wait Cas. What? I don't. What's happening? Why are you here? Where are we? I- how'd this-"

"I know I know I'm sorry. I'm probably the last person you wanted or expected to be here when you woke up. I wanted to take you to the hospital or at least call Sam, but then you'd be super adamant not to."

"Hospital?! What?"

"Do you remember anything from today?"

"Yeah I was... um it.. me and Luce grabbed lunch and then we went back to his place and it- we- I don't- I don't know."

Dean's breathing sped up.

"I-"

The harder he tried to think, the more blanks appeared.

"I- Cas!" Dean looked up desperately, "what happened?"

"Breath Dean you're safe now."

Dean closed his eyes and tried to breathe. He tried to make each breath as long as he could.

"Ok," Dean opened his eyes, "ok I'm good just," he took another stuttering breath, "just tell me what happened."

"Of course, but you should focus on being calm right now."

"Damn it Cas!" Dean exhaled sharply, "just talk."

"Fine," Cas looked down at his twiddling fingers.

"A couple hours ago I got a call..."

*•*•*

Cas blinked down at the screen. The caller ID clearly said Dean, but there was no way.

"Dean?" Cas held the phone to his ear.

"Um no actually I'm a friend of his. Is this Cas?"

"Yes. Is everything ok? Where's Dean?"

"Dean's safe. I mean he's not the best right now but he's not in danger or anything. He's sitting right here next to me."

"What's going on?" Cas tried not to panic.

"Nothing too bad, Dean's just had a little too much to smoke and he wanted me to call you."

"Really?" Cas had promised to be there for Dean if he relapsed, but he didn't think they'd ever talk again after what happened.

"Yeah, are you two close? Because Sam is listed here as like an emergency contact but when I asked him he said not to call Sam. It's the clearest his been in the last few minutes."

"Oh ok. Sam is his brother. I'm ... I guess I'm a good friend of both of them. I also promised to be there if Dean ever needed help staying sober."

"Oh shit. I didn't realize he was trying to be sober. I wouldn't of- or at least I would've given him something less strong. He was so relaxed about everything I thought he was more of a stoner."

"He used to be."

"We'll I think he'd rather wait this out in the comfort of his own home. I also don't want to just leave him like this but I've got work to do. Could you come pick him up? I'll send you an address."

"Yes, of course."

~

Cas rang the doorbell. A head peaked around as the door opened a crack.

"Who are you?"

"I'm- I'm Cas? I thought this was-"

"Yes yes, I'm sorry I wanted to make sure it was you," the man opened the door all the way, "sorry for scaring you. I just wanted to be safe. Come on in. He's in the living room."

Cas followed him through the entryway but stopped dead once he caught sight of Dean.

He was ghostly pale and sweating. His eyes were closed and his mouth hung open. His arms lay limply at his side and his head was tilted back against the top of the couch.

"What? Why is he- is he even breathing?!" Cas ran forward and checked if Dean had a pulse.

"Of course, he's fine. Still just sleeping it off."

"How long has he been like this? Did he throw up?"

"Not yet, but I feel like he might soon. And calm down, this shit happens."

"No this is not normal," Cas glared, "the first thing you should've done is call the hospital!"

"Ok, first of all, relax, it isn't that bad, and second of all, I asked him and he said he didn't want to go to the hospital."

"He is not in the right state to be able to make that decision!"

"I'm just trying to respect him. Obviously, he's not his normal self but he still has opinions. It's like a trigger word. If you say hospital or Sam he instantly gains energy and just says no over and over again."

"That doesn't-"

Dean groaned.

"Dean!" Cas put his hand on Dean's forehead, "Dean are you ok?"

Another groan as Dean's head tilted to the side.

"Ok, it's ok, you're ok. I'm gonna get you to a hospital."

"mNo, no hospital."

"Dean."

"No hh," Dean lifted his head up while keeping his eyes closed.

He began shaking his head back and forth.

"No no fhc no hospital,mcxvm, no.dsd no.."

"See?"

"But- it's- what did he take?" Cas asked.

"Just pot man, I don't know why he's bummed out like this."

"Yeah right."

"I hope you're not trying to start something while you're supposed to be helping out your friend."

"Fine, help me get him in my car."

Reluctantly, Luce walked over and hoisted one of Dean's arms over his shoulder. Cas did the same on the other side, then they both lifted him up.

"You got this Dean, just one foot in front of the other."

Dean was able to hold his weight, but he couldn't pick his feet up very well. This caused them to move slowly around the house. Shuffling their way to the door.

There were two steps from the door to the pavement. Cas stepped down first and quickly braced to help steady Dean who was swaying dangerously forward. Luce seemed to step down with no care which caused Dean to stuble forward. Cas glared at Luce who wasn't even looking at either of them. 

Dean twitched forward and gagged a bit.

"Oh hell no," Luce leaned away in disgust, "I'm not dealing with that."

"Fuck did you say?"

"If he pukes, I'm out of here."

"You can't just do that! He's your responsibility."

"Not anymore, we're out of my house, and only one more step 'til we're off my property."

"You can't be serious, you're just going to dump him when he's completely out of it?"

"Hey I have to go to work and this isn't my fault or-"

Dean threw up and to Castiel's delight, a lot got on Luce.

"Mother fucker," Luce jumped back and held his shirt away from his body.

Cas staggered under the sudden increase of weight but managed to keep both him and Dean upright. Despite everything, Cas was still shocked when Luce turned around and went inside without another word.

"Jesus Christ, what an asshole."

The fact that anyone would be comfortable leaving someone in this state was beyond him.

Dean jolted again and this time Cas couldn't stop it. Dean fell on his hands and knees in the little grass area before the curb and threw up. 

Cas thanked the heavens that he had a bucket in the back seat of his car. Gabriel had given him a KFC chicken bucket but put salad inside. His idea of a joke. 

He quickly grabbed the bucket from the back seat and went back to Dean. He was groaning, but he could hold himself up with his arms which was a good sign. 

"It's alright Dean," Cas rubbed his back soothingly, "I'm going to take you to the hospital now."

"No," Dean coughed, "don't take me to the hospital, Sam. Can't afford... We can't-"

Cas knelt down next to him, "Hey, look at me, it's Cas."

"Cas?" Dean looked to his side

"Yes, it's Cas. You're safe."

They made eye contact but Dean's eyes were glossy. Cas could tell he wasn't really seeing him.

"I think I need to call your brother," Cas brushed the hair stuck to Dean's forehead away, "I'm going to call Sam."

"No non no no no," Dean sat back on his heels and shook his head. 

"Please Dean, this is the most coherent you've been. Please think."

"Cas it's you..." Dean reached out and put his hand on Cas's shoulder, "You gotta save me. You're the one..."

"I don't- I shouldn't- let's have Sam decide if you need to go to the hospital or not."

"No. No, Cas. Sammy's gonna put me in the hospital. They're gonna trap me and I can't-"

"Dean..."

"Please Cas, don't let them take me," Dean started leaning forward and his eyes started fluttering, "please Cas."

"Dean," tears were starting to prick in the corner of his eyes, "I can't make this decision. I'm not-"

"Please Cas," Dean rested his head on Cas's shoulder, "I'm safe with you."

Cas wrapped his arms around Dean and cradled his head with one of his hands.

"Fuck, I don't know what to do. Why are you making me do this? I can't- I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

His breath caught in his throat.

"What am I supposed to do?"