Archive of Our Own ^beta

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In the mindscape, thoughts and desires are more open to each other. No, the sides weren’t necessarily more open than with Thomas, no, they wore their hearts on their sleeves. Or, more accurately, whatever their shadow is being cast onto. See, their shadows were what showed each other how they were feeling, and what they wanted. However, this was not always very literal. This oftentimes could confuse one another as to what was needed - most often Logan. Because their shadows could range from very literal, to very metaphorical, it was regarded as merely a tool to help each other. Nobody could deceive it, either, so they could not lie with a literal shadow.

Not until Janus became desperate, that is.

You see, Janus is Deceit. Self preservation. Guarder of secrets. And, besides his priority - Thomas - these applied to his own secrets, as well. So, he became desperate to find a way to deceive his shadow.

He found, after countless sleepless nights pondering, that if one were to deceive the train that met his shadow with information on how he is, then the shadow would appear to match it. Or, you know, he could just avoid light. But, he figured that would just raise alarm to the situation as they’d grown up with their shadows. So, he altered them instead. However, that took a lot of energy. Energy that on some days, he just couldn’t come up with.

Those were days like today. Days where, he just didn’t have the energy for anything. He was just tired. So, so unbelievably tired. What could make him so tired? Simply put: Life. He often ran out of energy just by getting out of bed, or thinking about how if he gets up, he has to deceive his shadow another day. Deceive others. Pretend he’s okay when really, all he feels is pain. Intense, numbing pain, and tiredness were his norm. Wish to be better, wish to be happy, and desire that he isn't who he is, where he is. Existing. Simply existing was so tiresome. Yet, he knew that he had only one true out that wouldn’t kill Thomas.

Fading.

Fading was the only way a side could die. If their function isn’t used for awhile, or they aren’t interacted with for some time, they can fade. Their function would remain present once they faded, but the consciousness attached to it would not. Ducking out sped it up, of course. And, Janus mused, if you locked your room from entry whilst ducked out, it would be made easier. Nobody could barge in unless you unlocked your room from barring entry in all forms. Nobody to try and convince you - not through a door, that is - that the burning, starving pains you’d get were worth it.

Due to this, Patton and Logan made it obligatory that people are open as much as they can about their shadows if asked about them. As well as that one should always confer with others regarding how they’re feeling - and be open to listening to others.

Alas, Janus disobeyed both of these rules. And on days like today, when he had no energy, he talked through his door to Patton when he was checked on. That way, at least he didn’t have to face him, and his shadow.

But sometimes, the lack of energy hit randomly, and he’d excuse himself for a bit to try and scrounge together more energy to feed the train with.

However, today he couldn’t seem to say ‘no’ to Patton properly, and he wound up attempting to scrounge together energy to be with Logan and Patton for some time. Thus, he was now sat in the living room with the two. Yet still, he couldn’t seem to scrounge together the energy to even refrain from lying on the couch instead of sitting upright. He was thankful that at least the sun wasn’t shining in such a way that would cast his shadow at that moment.

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His thankfulness didn’t last long, however, as it turns out mother nature - or the mindscape’s version of the imagination (for weather mainly) - held different desires. Janus blinked away his quickly setting in sleep, as the sun decided to shine directly in his eyes at that moment. ‘Clouds don’t last,’ Janus thought, rolling his eyes, ‘wonder where that phrase comes from.’
Nevertheless, he couldn’t deny that the warmth it provided wasn’t pleasant. Lingering on his skin, and delving through his scales, he swears he’ll never get used to the warmth of the light side. It was such a drastic change to the dark side’s never ending cold. It would seep into your very soul, infect you with poison numbness and drowsiness, until he found himself passed out in the hallways. Sometimes however, others would find him first.
He didn’t want to think about what happened those times.
For now, at least he had some semblance of warmth to keep him awake. Well, that was most of the time. Sometimes, on days like today, he just wanted nothing more than to sleep. Overwhelmed by the mere prospect of getting out of bed, he wished he could’ve said no.
Maybe then, he wouldn’t have had to work so hard to deceive his shadow.
If only for a day, it could’ve been a much needed break.
Call him a hypocrite, but he simply stopped caring about most things a long time ago. Including his much beloved self care days. Those were the days where he’d deny every calling, having told in advance he’d be unavailable. Then, he’d sit back with a bottle of wine to relax away the day. He’d simply prioritize his own desires, which looking back, he doesn’t know anymore if he ever had happy desires. He must have, though, cause he’s somehow still around.
And God, he has no idea how.
“Ooh, Janus? We should totally go somewhere! Where do you want to go?” Patton squealed. ‘What? I don’t- oh, my shadow,’ Janus had to hold back a groan as he realized his once ice cream shaped shadow, was now portraying a bit of luggage. ‘Great, just great. Sure, I want to leave, but I’d rather permanence over knowing I’d have to return,’ Janus laughed dryly internally, lip curling slightly as he fought to control his reactions to his thoughts.
“Oh, I was just thinking that we shouldn’t have a relaxation day. Maybe we could go out somewhere, I definitely know,” he replied, fiddling with a loose string on the couch. He took a moment to register the other’s shadows. Logan’s was currently displaying a small submarine, and looking at the book he was reading it wasn’t hard to tell why. Oceans and their Inhabitants sounded like it could provoke such desires in the man. Meanwhile, Patton’s shadow draping over where he had paused in his knitting to talk to Janus was morphing. Where it once had been showing puppies playing, it had changed to flicker between five and six people performing various activities together as his thoughts shifted and changed.
“Oh, that’s a great idea kiddo! Loggie, what should we do? We could cuddle and watch movies, we could bake. Oh! Or we could-” Patton’s excited rambling was cut off when Logan raised his hand up to pause him. When he was sure he had caught Patton’s attention - and stopped the rambling, though he wouldn’t admit that - he carefully placed a solar system themed bookmark in his book before setting it down gently on the table next to him.
“That does sound like a pleasant idea. Why don’t we wait to present the idea to the others at dinner tonight? Then we could hear their opinions and thoughts on the matter before we begin planning anything they may not enjoy.”
“Aw, why not now?” Patton pouted, sticking his lower lip out.
“The answer is simple: if we wait until dinner, we are certain to have their undivided attention without interrupting anything.”
“Oh, okay! Thank you kiddo, you’re so smart!”
And if anyone asks, Logan definitely did not blush at all, nor did his lips quirk up slightly at the edges. He simply readjusted his glasses slightly, no more than that.

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By the time dinner had finally rolled around, Janus was just starting to find himself drifting somewhere in the foggy space between awareness and sleep, despite having been laying with his eyes closed for the past two hours, and the soft permeating warmth the sunlight blessed him with. If he were a cat, he long would have been purring away in that particular contentment one only found when they had nothing to stress for in the near future, and could just lay and bask in the feeling of a full stomach and a soft, warm space beneath them. It was not something Janus found often, much less when he was running himself thin on previously stored energy reserves - both in physical and mental means. And he was certainly running near on empty, at this point, lately.

So he didn’t pay much mind when footsteps could be heard descending the stairs with varying degrees of loudness and speed to match. And he certainly didn’t heed even the sparest of a thought to his shadow, nor the clamor as someone shouted out a startled “Hey!” That was accompanied by maniacal giggling and thuds as something barreled down the staircase.

That was, at least, until that something very abruptly crashed over the couch and onto Janus, effectively shooting him into a hyper-alert state as his breath was knocked out of him.
Repelling himself upward abruptly, he found new pain arise as he knocked foreheads with another. Ignoring the feeling and the accompanying sharp intake of breath from next to him, his arm shot out across his body to shove the other off the couch as he used his other arm to shove himself up at the same time. Without taking a moment to think more, he rolled himself off the couch to pin the other side to the floor, an arm across his neck and his hips pinning the man’s torso and legs down effectively. Gasping and heaving with every breath, his body rose and fell slightly as he took a moment to come back to himself and where he was at that moment.

Wide eyes bore into his with stunned bewilderedness, accompanied by a slightly opened mouth as the one pinned beneath him panted, processing what just occurred. He observed Janus as his distant, glassed eyes started returning to the present, blinking and focusing in on his surroundings.

A beat of silence stretched as though it were not merely seconds, as everyone in the area shocked and stared. It didn’t last long, however, before everything quickly sped right back up as though suddenly switching to fast motion to make up for the few moments of slow, and Janus found his shoulders grasped to toss him off and to the side.

“What the fuck, Deceit,” the person who’d thrown him off hissed, voice morphing and eyeshadow darkening. Shit. Virgil.

Lying prone on his back as he shifted to scramble back more, Janus’ mind could only find itself locked onto one thing, and one thing only.

The darkness.

It was so cold.

And it was so, so terrifying.

It morphed around him and yet it remained stagnant. It left him breathless and took away any nearby air. It sent fiery shivers crawling through his very essence, and it consumed everything and everyone around him in a weighty nothingness until he was sure there was never anyone there to begin with. And yet, at the same time, it felt as though he were surrounded. Drowning in a sticky darkness that infected his insides and spread and stuck more and more within and around his very being with each small breath. Even if it weren’t so sticky, and even if it didn’t trap him with every insignificant twitch of a muscle or raise of a hair as though he were caught in some indescribable, horrifying spiders web, he wouldn’t have been able to escape.

He was effectively land-locked.

And there were no safe branches - above ground or under ground - by which he could flee through to the neighboring seas. He was surrounded and entrapped.

And so, almost as if he were a hognose snake who felt it was in so much danger and every other first line of escape and self defense had failed or was otherwise impossible, he fell limp to the floor and played dead. Except, Janus found his slim remains of any energy reserves he still had fail and flee him as his survival instincts kicked in, and he subsequently passed out.