Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

           Buildup. Certainly an important step to any event. 

           Exhales before a kiss. Long-lost souls running into a great, needed embrace. Weapons lifting for a final blow.

           Veins humming. Blood pumping to the heart. Muscles tensed to flex my gloved fingers.

           A whistle sounded behind me. Yes, the buildup was everything. Foreplay.

           I could increase. I hoped. Buildup had to mean something. I pictured a wheel spinning forth, trepidation about where it could land. What it would throw out of its path and which hands could still it.

           “Plant your feet.” Came a deep order. Instantly, my boots wiggled into the dirt. One breath. I took the staff in my hands. Charged forth. A steady blow sent vibrations up my arms. “Good. Keep it up.”

           Face warping into a steely snarl, I tried to hide my budding frustration with drive and ferocity. A need to win. Just once. Sif matched another blow, body twisting to jab the third toward me. I kicked back and evaded, earning a nod from her. Impressed.

           No pride found me. I had to do better. I came at her, both of us lunging dancerly and hard into a spar. Warriors around us in their own bouts and conversations became silent upon my ears. Sif reeled up with a shout.

           Kicked me square in the chest. A puffed cry sent dirt up into the air as I skidded back. Sif’s wooden staff rose and I rolled over to evade it. Faster than the last time. Harder. 

           “Good.” Thor was perched a few steps above us leaning over a stone rail to observe me. I’d gotten better. Still too far to go. Especially if I wanted to match Sif. My friends. 

           Sweat dripped from my brow. I advanced again with filth scuffed down my clothing, spinning around in the hopes I could knock Sif back. She skidded, found her easy footing, and swung. The blow burst red from my nose. Down my mouth as I hit the wall. Sif brought the blunt end to my neck and I growled to sweep it aside. 

           I got up again. Came at her with red teeth-baring. 

           “Hold.” Thor pressed at the sight of blood on my chin.

           “I’m still in it.” I jumped off the stone wall to come down hard, missing Sif before she kicked my legs out from under me. 

           “You’re finished.” She came in for the killing blow and I jerked up, leg out to send her backward. Sif held her ribs, lips twitching with her usual spirited fury. A call of valor erupted from my lips before I charged her. 

           Harder. Faster. Get up. Come on. Get up! Stay in this!

           Every order sent my blood in a righteous ferocity through vessels that sweltered. Hot irons charged back and forth between us. I swiped, faked right, and went left. Lifted to strike when her staff whirled back to jab me direct in the heart. Air punched from my lungs as I hit the ground that time.

           “Dead.” Sif turned and hit her staff against the ground. Blood and dirt misted my throat. I coughed and groaned. Lush, messy curls fell to cloak my face from the high sun. “You’ve made a lot of progress this year. Maybe one day, you’ll beat me. Don’t hold your breath.” 

           She smiled though. Glittering. It was true. I’d keep playing the game of catch-up with my friends until I was there. Marching into a real battle with them. Growing in rank and gaining the love and respect of our people. I’d get there. I had to.

           I had to.

           Sif extended a hand and winced upon seeing my face. 

           “Apologies for that one.” She tilted my chin, standing a few inches taller than I. Thor stepped down toward us.

           “Footwork is good, little nervous still.” He tossed a rag into my hand, ruffling my textured curls per his usual friendly habit. “You prepare yourself for the worst hit when you should be blocking to protect yourself. Break that habit.”

           “Story of my life.” I flashed a smile and Thor paused to chuckle. Beyond the rows of fellow warriors, I caught a glimmer and dropped my shoulders. Fandral entered the ranks behind Hogun and Volstagg. He caught my eyes, tried to lock in before I was facing away. Panning back to Thor as he filled a basin. “I can give and take hard hits.”

           “Spoken like a true punching bag. Come, wash your nose.” Thor beckoned with two fingers. Huge arms crossing. “I think you’ve had enough today.”

           “What, is Sif getting tired of knocking me over? I lost count.” I caught my reflection and winced. Blood swiped down my lips. “Ugh.” I splashed cold water down my expression, casting ripples through the girl frowning there. Big eyes wide with the tremor. Not good enough. Not yet.

           “Nonsense, you put up a better fight than anyone in this vicinity.” Sif settled our staffs back on the rack. One hand came to rest on her belt. “Keep it up, you’ll be tested formally and join our ranks in no time. It's overdue.”

           “Getting tired of the close to home squabbles, are you? Simple bandits boring you.” Thor observed as I wiped my face clean, exhaling. Dark eyes lifted to see him soaking the sun into his gold locks. One broad hand pushed them back with ease. They joked the elder prince was made of it. Chiseled and pretty. Pure sunlight.

           “Tired of the taste of dirt.” I joked again. Out of my peripherals, I caught Fandral edging toward me. “I do have to go. Get cleaned up before-”

           “Do not be late. Palace courtyard, near mother’s rose garden.” Thor gave my arm this affectionate bump with his fist. Looked more pale when he pressed close to my stunning darker skin. He was made of the sun and I soaked it in to marrow. “One hour.”

           "I'll be there." My steps picked up at the same time Fandral closed in. I hurried around other spars and merry warriors. Through the dirt and grass to leave the training grounds until I saw the shine of the palace in the distance atop the hill. 

           Asgard.

           Glittering gold crown hanging from the high branches of Yggdrasil. Miles of gods ready to pick up arms against what threats may come for these nine realms. Looked rosier today with the sky blushing like that. Utter perfection by jeweled design. Home. Just another day of endless sun. The moons and stars would bloom to further remind me that I was small here. Lost in cosmos among the great planets in my orbit. 

           One utter of my name had me hurrying.

           “Wait one moment.” Fandral picked up his steps behind me. Citizens wove around us and I cringed, spinning to face him. Heels skidded in front of me once I’d turned between two buildings. A pleasant smile masked nothing.

           “I have-”

           “We need to talk about it.” Fandral decided when we were alone there. Shadows crept and a coldness spread.

           “No, we don’t. Fandral, I’m okay.”

           “Have you done it again?” He uttered.

           “It hasn’t even been a week.” I got lower too, drawing close to touch his wrist. One caress. “I told you not to bring it up.”

           “I can’t stop thinking about it. You with your-”

           “Fandral!” I quieted him, hands lifted to rub my eyes. Peering around him, I steered us closer to the wall. A breath left. “Look, I’m...working on this. I don’t have anything to tell you. I can’t explain it.”

           “Do you feel the need to do it again?”

           “Not this second, it doesn’t work like that.” I huffed and shrugged to turn. One hand latched around my wrist, gently tugging my back.

           “Listen, I know you need space, but I walked in on my friend opening wounds on herself and I don’t know how to help her.” It piled out in one gasp. Fandral with his too kind eyes. Suave and beautiful. Terrified for me.

           “It’s not on you.” I hushed him again. Hands flat on Fandral’s chest.

           “I didn’t know.” His eyes glimmered with a flood of something rare in Fandral the Dashing. Guilt. “I’ve known you since we were children. We grew up in that same, dingy village. You stopped opening up.”

           “I’m just distracted, I-”

           “You’re my lady. My favorite one.” His lips cocked into a more familiar default. Charm. Fingers clasped around my elbows and I peered aside again because shame was a bottomless pit. “You’re dependent on this. What I saw, it looked part of your routine.”

           “I said I’d come to you if I felt the urge. It just...happens.” My eyes darted for an escape because the guilt and shame festered hot under my skin. “It’s like I’m drowning some days. I have to save myself.”

           “I realize this is your struggle, but you’re not alone. That doesn’t just happen.” Fandral looked too wounded. He always worried too much about me, but I’d never seen this on his face. 

           And I'd been content to hide from my friends, even if it was in their shadows. They cast so large here in Asgard.

           “I know making it a part of my routine is horrible. I know it’s serious, I’ve been trying to unmake it for years and I slipped up.” Fingers poked at my chest before I gasped on air. Tried not to break but Fandral’s face still blurred. “No one’s ever known. Not my parents. Not anyone. Just you. Even if I never do it again, it’s a part of me. It’s my fight. I made that choice the moment I put blade on skin. I just need to breathe again.”

           I broke the one rule of being a god. I fell from my opulent cloud. I displayed a flaw. An ugly underbelly we never faced. Those weren't allowed. Not in the highest power. We set the example and it was supposed to be pristine. Perfect.

           “You are one of my closest friends. My oldest in fact. You always will be. You have been there for me, now simply allow me to do the same.” Fandral cooed that and wiped my tears aside. “I just need to beg you not to shut down on me. I realize your feelings about this are complicated. Maybe I don’t understand it all, I’m willing to try because I care for you.”

           “Everything is just...so loud here. I can’t find balance. I feel too much,” curls shook out, “or nothing at all. It’s water filling my lungs. Filling the space around me. When I do it, I feel real again. It’s that first inhale when coming to the surface.”

           “You and I will just keep finding pockets of air until you’re out of those depths.” Fandral cradled my face. Smiled his most dashing grin. Blinding me with how lovely he could be. “You’re real. I’m in this with you now. I don’t mind, I’m a rather good swimmer so the court ladies say.”

           My lips twitched when I pulled away from him only to smile. Sniffling as I wiped my eyes.

           “That’s your dashing side talking, Fandral.”

           “Aye, might be. That side never lies.” He tipped my chin. “We’re going to have a good day today as we used too. Don’t think we haven’t noticed you dipping out lately to avoid social occasions. Loki’s been pulling that off and on all year. Thor said he was in a good enough mood this morning to convince him to relax this evening.”

           I perked. Rose petals heated my cheeks.

           “I’ll be there. Promise.” I slipped from him. “Fandral? Ah, thank you.”

           “Just take care of yourself,” he replied, beaming, “as best you can.”

           A carriage pulled me the rest of the way home. Lights flickered in the window. My little house in our tiny village. Well removed from the royal province. My heart picked up when I pushed to go inside, steadily creeping down the hall to slide around the corner.

           The sharp rasp of my name brought shivers.

           “Yes?” I pressed all the way to the wall. Tried not to close my eyes tight.

           “Come in here.” My father reclined against the couch seated next to an empty bottle. Stinking like vinegar. “Mother’s working late.”

           Again.

           “What happened to you?” His eyes like two straight pins shot through me.

           “Training with Sif this morning.” My hands clasped, fingers weaving tight. Near contorting. Thankful there was a low table between us. I knew not to ask him about his work or how long he’d been sitting here drinking our money. “And Prince Thor.”

           The addition piqued his interest.

           “And did you learn anything? I hope so with the state of you.” He lifted the bottle and gestured. “Go get me another.” Obedient, I was gone and back with two shakes of a rabbit’s tail. Easing the bottle of mead out, his hand snatched my wrist instead.

           “Did the Prince watch you closely?” A cruel hum as he laughed at me. “Bet you enjoyed that.”

           “He just gave instruction. We're friends. It’s valuable.” I wiggled, eyes anywhere else. On the cracks and scrapes in our wood floors. On a spider spinning a web in the corner, hoping to catch a juicy treat for itself.

           “You’re lucky he bothered to glance looking like that.” Father took the bottle, head shaking while he faced away. I just stood there shuffling my feet. The prickle under my flesh became a burn. Thighs and forearms pulsing.

           “I’m meeting the warriors again later. The princes will be there.”

           He drank in response, reddened eyes lingering to see me so I pressed my lips. More of a twitch.

           “Wear something presentable. Don’t embarrass us.” The saying was familiar. His mantra.

           “I won’t.” Not waiting to be dismissed, I turned to follow the hallway back toward my room. A crash sent me cringing aside. His empty bottle shattered against the wall. Violence for the sake of it. A way to make me kneel.

           “Clean that up first. Show me what you’re wearing before you leave this house.” He grumbled something else but showed himself out the back door. Shaken hands gathered the fragments so I didn’t have to see myself in them. 

           The urge to clench shards between my fists swept nausea up my throat. I stole the biggest piece, curved like a dagger. Pulled up a floorboard in my room and stuck it into the decorated box I hid there.

           Just in case, I told myself. I thought of Fandral’s eyes when he walked in. Found me with calculated flesh sliced open upon my upper thighs. The fresh cuts twitched and I inhaled nothing but bloodied water. Eyes shut tight. Block it out so I could paddle my way through another day. Just one more. Get up. Same way I was aching and pushing myself up from the training grounds.

           That’s what I always tried to tell myself.

** ** **

           The sun sprinkled warmth back into my cheeks as I hopped off the back of a carriage and shook the wind from my curls. Bounding forth toward the tall grass, I skidded up behind Volstagg waiting. One arm swept me into his broad frame. 

           “Just in time! Thor’s waiting for us.” He tugged me along as I smiled, glancing at Fandral on the way. His own amusement picked up wordlessly. Hogun, mild as can be, followed behind and addressed me.

           “Sif tells us you almost had her today.”

           “Sif’s being too kind on my behalf.” I fell into stride between her and Hogun, treading beyond the golden arches. Passing guards and attendants into the gleam of the palace. Court ladies giggled and went around us like flighty nymphs. Dresses fluttering.

           “No, I mean it, you’ve done well.” Sif defended, nudging my side. I opened my mouth when a hiss and a wave called us to hurry. Thor’s buff arm at the door to the palace kitchens. 

           “Come. Come in, they’ll be starting soon.” Thor was bent over baskets of fresh fruit, tossing shiny colors over his shoulders for Volstagg to catch. Comically, he managed to snatch each one before Sif saved an orange from nailing him in the nose. “Figure a snack will do us good while we watch.”

           The warriors spread to steal pieces of bread and cheeses as I came to the center counter. Miles of food and fancy dishes with gleaming cutlery before me. The palace kitchens alone were larger and finer than my house. Thor spotted me and smiled bright, plucking up a red apple to cross. 

           An arm extended before me over my shoulder at the same time. Elegant pale fingers. Black nails. Offering the shiniest green apple I’d ever laid eyes on.

           “She prefers the greens and gold to reds, Thor.” Loki. Deep and smooth. Soft in my ear. The low baritone had me seizing. I didn’t jump at his appearance. For once. Thor gave his grin and wink, bowing.

           “Way to wound my pride.”

           My hands came up to cup the juicy, lush fruit in my palms. Fingers brushing the warmth of Loki’s as he slipped away and came around me. Glittering greens and blues in his eyes. Ink black hair smoothed back. Sharp angles softening to smile at me. It actually reached the edges of his face. My nose crinkled when I returned it. The reds certainly lifted to my cheekbones. 

           “Thank you.”

           “Thank you for not raiding the kitchen like an animal. This lot.” He tsked, standing a good head taller. The heat of his shadow crept over me sweetly. A gentle shroud. “Ah, you had one of those days, I see.” Lovely fingers extended to my face. Too quick. The flash of them made me cringe subtly. Eyes widening before he tipped my chin up to angle my face and see my lip. “Which one of these brutes clipped you across the mouth?”

           The smooth pad of his thumb swept under a cut that was swelled. I stopped my tongue from jolting out to feel the rustic twang.

           “I didn’t hit you in the mouth,” Sif remarked upon turning, “must have been that rough landing.”

           “R-Right.” I lied. So easily too. Loki held me for observation. Seeming to enjoy the way he made me quiver. Standing so close. “I didn’t notice it.”

           “Let’s see. It’s small, I’m sure I can remedy that.” A glimmer sparked as his thumb lifted higher to caress the swell of my plump mouth. Every beat ceased. I forgot the others there. “Good as new.” 

           Loki pulled from me and I gained the ability to breathe again.

           “Thank you,” I glanced aside and back. He'd turned from me already. I spent a lot of time trying to read Prince Loki’s back. Apple clutched in hand, I didn’t grab for anything else. Too shy. Fingers exploring the sleek fruit. I twisted the stem around several times. 

           “Let’s get going.” Thor bounced with budding excitement, leading us out with his usual fervor. Loki’s eyes cast toward me at the same time the stem popped off. His head cocked so I smile lighter and found my place to his right. 

           “Haven’t seen you these days.”

           “Could say the same for you.” He remarked. “It’s not the nickname, is it, sweetheart?”

           “Oh, it might be.” Half serious, I gave his arm a push as we strolled along. It seemed too easy to fall back into the stride of this friendship even after long days apart. Loki and his eyes that weakened me. “I still loathe it.”

           “Was that argument meant to convince me to stop? Not very compelling.” He teased, eyes flickering to my curls when the sun caught them. Shining a bloodied red. Wind picked up and I smiled there in the light.

           “I don’t see the correlation.” I shrugged. “I’m...tough.” I played up a glare, face scrunching as I puffed up for effect. “And I’m a great punching bag according to Thor.”

           “I’m near ready to make her pick up a shield,” Thor remarked with his larger strides ahead of us, “a big shield and broad sword.”

           “Ugh, I enjoy my free range of movement in battle, thank you. I may have curves, but I like to move.” I clicked my tongue, eyes turned to Loki again as Thor waved me off with a huff. “Heavy-handed warriors, they never understand.”

           “Certainly not.” Loki agreed. “Although, I’d rather you didn’t get stabbed when you’re in the official ranks. We can chat about defense at another time.”

           “And I’m the sweet one? That was all icing from Loki. In your way.” I touched my lips to laugh softer. “Seriously, where have you been this month? I haven't seen you on the training grounds.” My smile faltered when his hands clasped behind his back.

           “Just busy. You've not been around the palace like you used to if we're comparing schedules.” Loki picked up his steps to leave me staring at his back again. I smoothed my fingers over the fruit wondering if I’d said the wrong thing.

           We played this game often over the last year. Pulling away. Reeling back. Orbiting in peace. I was a moon in his life. Hopefully one he looked on to admire once in a while for comfort. The thought warmed my stomach.

           Our group hurried toward a drop of cliffs outlined in twisting trees and a light waterfall draining over the side. Grass swayed into the wind. I came to the shade of a tree and leaned there as they looked over the edge. Asgard still glittering endlessly before us.

           “I can see them readying the vehicles.” Hogun gestured out. Volstagg plopped into the grass to enjoy a grapefruit, offering slices to Sif standing next to him. I admired my friends. Odin’s mightiest. Nestling the apple into my teeth, I hiked and pulled up into the rich branches of the tree. Perching myself higher to get comfortable.

           A buzzing vibrated below. Thor seated himself at the edge of the cliff, dangerously over the drop and Loki rolled his eyes. Spotting me, he came back. Lighter. 

           “You haven’t been to the library in a while. Strange.”

           “Training. Thor and Sif have been overseeing me personally,” I replied, covering my lips after a crunch of tart apple. Sweet upon my tongue. 

           “Of course they are. You have my book still too.” He peered up.

           “I can grab it tomorrow. Bring it to you. Meet you by our willow tree.” It felt so intimate. Our willow tree. As if we had a secret place. Loki’s lips twitched up at me. Harder to read his mood today, but I’d gotten used to that this year. One nod before he was crossing his arms to lean back into the tree. Sharing the space in silence. Couldn’t ask for more. 

           The buzzing became a reverberating hum. I felt it in the bark. Cries of delight sounded before a set of sleek golden barges reared up above us and dipped back down. Warriors waved and shouted in excitement. Wind cast that had me gripping the tree. Fingers shifted rhythmically over a leaf, feeling the supple veins under my touch. 

           Mesmerized, I watched the vehicles turn and spin. Testing their range and limits. Flying in and out of formation. Thor was jumping up and down now, wind casting his blond locks in all directions. 

           Laughter pulled up my throat. One barge charged close overhead and I curled up, dropping my apple core aside. Loki’s eyes lifted to watch too, fingers pushing his loose locks back. Caressed utterly, we enjoyed the show for as long as it lasted. Until the sun began to dip and paint Asgard in fresh watercolors. Dotting jewel-toned stars with the moons unveiling. 

           I admired every piece of it. This place. My home. Deftly, I swung down to touch the earth. Caught Loki’s eyes again next to me.

           “Better and better every time we see them.” Lashes batted at him before I was pulling a brighter smile.

           Loki stood taller, head tilting to narrow as he moved to pass me. The crisp scent of him tinged in leather and whatever ingredients he must have been working with recently in his studies wafted. Something lush. Utterly wooden and smoky under it like the sparks I saw that cast magic up his fingertips. Signature to Loki.

           And then he smiled at me, too. Stunning and hushed. Intent. Always lighting questions inside of me. Where his mind was. If I crossed it often. 

           “I couldn’t agree more.”

Chapter Text

         “This wouldn’t happen if you hadn’t upset him.”

         I hissed in response. 

         Mother added herbs to a cool mixture. Dabbing my back to heal fresh welts. 

         “We’re running out of this.”

         “Guess we have to use it often.” I sounded out, lip wobbling before fingers dug into my mattress. Mother said nothing. I felt her sigh ghost my spine. Regret she didn't dare to touch spilled over me instead. “I didn’t mean to upset him. I answered his question.”

         “You must have talked back.”

         “You weren’t there,” I said that colder than intended. Or so I thought. 

         “All better.” Mother swept up after kissing my hair. She didn’t ask me if I learned my lesson. Not that I ever would.

         “Right.” All better. Just because the evidence was gone. All better for her, she didn’t have to see it. I heard the meaty rap of father’s belt, sound cut. “Thank you, Mother.”

         I always remembered my respectful pleasantries. 

         “Seeing the princes today?” She observed me checking my face in the mirror before tying my blouse back up. “You should wear-”

         “Just Loki.” I passed her, snatching my book as I went. “I’m going to be late.”

         Father was out so I took the opportunity to dash from my house, tightening the belt around my waist as I went. One steady hop upon the back of a moving barge brought me closer to the palace in record time. I let the wind chime through my curls, Loki’s book clutched protectively under one arm. Leather bound perfection from crafted hands.

         Daydreaming under a cool sun, I exhaled and jumped off after the bridge. Happy to make my way in the glow of Asgard’s morning on foot. I passed province residents until they dwindled when I walked a dirt path surrounded by tall mounds of grass. Swaying gently. Fingertips extended to skim the top, gentle kisses under my palm. 

         Most people who knew me liked to point out I always seemed lost in a dream. Painting sparkly scenes in my head. Living in them. As if one could paint something prettier than Asgard. My favorite and largest of the willow trees near a great pond came into view. More beautiful at night when the fireflies and stars were out. 

         Eyes shifted. No sign of Loki. It never really bothered him when I kept his books for so long. I always returned them in the same condition. Sometimes with a funny note inside. I wondered briefly if he kept them. If they made him smile upon unfurling the pages. If he traced his fingertips along the slanted writing. 

         If he-

         Thoughts fluttered. The book fell from my fingers. Water hushed and something floating among the lily pads took shape. Pale and grey. A person. Blinking several times, my steps picked up until I was running.

         “Loki!” I called, making out the outline of him bobbing still there. My heart soared up into my throat. I didn’t breathe. Didn’t think. Made this sound that cut as I wet my clothing pulling his still form out. Too still. “Loki!” 

         I was already crying. Shaking badly as I reclined him in the grass. Tilting his head to inch toward the blue of his lips before he puffed against my mouth. 

         “Good to know who my true friends are,” came the airy whisper. If I could fly, I would have leapt to one of our moons.

         My jaw dropped and I lunged backward when he sat up in the grass. Light moved over him so the illusion broke and he looked to be his normal, pristine self. My lungs were still seized and I must have looked stupid staring with my eyes so huge. Jaw slack open.

         “You…” I managed. Palm flat to calm my heart that ached and pounded. I knew Loki and the fact that I actually fell for that proved I'd been lost in dreams too long. “That was...? I…I…”

         Tears still slipping. 

         It wasn't often he played such tricks on me. Vying and tugging at my soul for attention.

         “Did you really believe I was dead? I’ve gotten better at this.” He chuckled with no weight on his shoulders. Usually, the sound sends my heart all aflutter. Today, it only invoked my ire. "You see, it's this new-"

         “You think…that this is funny?” I seethed finally.

         No grip on my emotions because every switch was flipped at the absolute wrong moment. The thwack of a belt still slapped into my spine. My face contorted. Twisting because all the feelings I held down burst utterly. Appalled tears falling from my eyes. 

         I thought one of my closest friends had died. And he laughed at me. Somehow that edged the sting higher. Seeing Loki like that brought all my bottled, fraying threads to the surface. I wanted to wring his skinny neck and scream that I cared about him too much to even entertain the thought of his heart stilling.

         Somehow that burst of fury and rage and hurt amplified the one truth I’d buried too deep to touch. Touching it burnt and that ache was bursting to bleed out right now.

         “I could not help myself,” he looked amused still, trying to lighten this and I broke. “I didn't think you'd react that way, the other warriors usually laugh and pretend to create my funeral pyre. I do hope they're pretending at least...ah, well. I have not pulled this on you and I needed to practice. Got your attention, didn't I?”

         “You think that this is funny, Loki!” I yelled again, hating how I sounded when I was upset and his amusement faded. I’d never even scolded him before. Not either of the princes. Not any of my friends. 

         “I thought you died! For a moment, I thought you were gone. You were gone. I thought you’d left me…us. Oh gods, I cannot believe you. I should have known. I know you. I do. Gods be damned! I’m so stupid! I really should have known but…but for you to pull something like this?! How could you? How could you do this to me?! It’s awful!” I screamed all of that, standing to march away with my hair flying, every emotion from the past week flooding back. Festering. Peeling my skin.

         Drowning. A painful childhood memory sparked up my brain and I shoved it away. I tried to shove everything away. It was the only way I felt I could protect my soul. 

         “Why are you so upset?” He was on his feet quick and I spun on my heel. Another surge of fire billowed out. I cared so hard and so vast and touching it just...sometimes it killed me. It was all too much. 

         “You honestly don’t get it?” I cried. “You pull some funny pranks but every so often you do something so…just nasty, I cannot even begin to tell where the hell it comes from but this was sick. It was not funny.”

         “I-” 

         “It’s hurtful. It’s terrible. You hurt me. You let me think you were gone. You have no idea what’s been going on and you haven't been keen to talk to me these days…and for you to just do this. What's the point? Laugh at me then fade away again?” I pulled my hands up, no thoughts insight. I wanted to fight the crowned Prince of Asgard. I wanted to fight my dear friend. I wanted to fight the truth I tried for years to hide.

         Loki didn’t move, eyes pointed on me and I froze. Just stood there shaking. Burning before him. 

         I could have shared the hard truth. That I cared about him. Deeply. That it was more than that. So much more. I wanted to see him smile and be the cause. I wanted to stay by his side. I wanted him to feel safe. I wanted to unfurl myself at last and have him see me too. Letting others see me, it ached, but I’d risk hurt for him.

         That the truth of it was I’d been in love with him for years and as I was shouting, that was all that was coming out. Even if he didn’t hear it. Even if he never did. I told Loki I loved him once a day and he couldn’t hear me. Passion. Anger. Some days it was all that laced my words. 

         Gods be damned, I grew furious. I loved the Prince and I loved my friend and I hated it. Hated that this was the moment I had to face it while I felt so low with myself. More hot tears welled up and I shook my head, they began to fall as I lowered my clenched hands. Just run.

         “Leave me alone,” I yanked the book up from the grass, shoving it at his chest. Curls fell into my face to shroud the colors on my wet cheeks. 

         “It was just a simple jest. Look, I did not think it would harm you like that. Wait,” Loki snatched my arm when I turned but I wheeled around and pushed. The book fell between us. I pushed hard. Just to make him let me go because being grabbed set my teeth on edge. 

         Loki tripped away from me. Fell back into the pond behind him as water and mud splashed everywhere. His expensive outfit soiled. Worth more than anything I owned.

         My friend could have called guards to cut off my hands for that I'm sure. Could have grabbed me again. Struck me. Taught me a lesson. Loki wasn't that person. Awe crossed his face as rage contorted mine, forcibly covering all traces of guilt when I snapped.

         “I hate you!” Came my next scream because those were the only syllables able to cover my truth. A sob cut over it as Loki’s eyebrows quirked up, eyes huge at me. Probably because he hadn't seen me explode like this. Must have thought I was possessed. 

         My words wrapped around my throat and choked me. Utterly. I love you. 

         “Hate you…” I shook my head and quickly paced away. Not processing anything else. Unable to touch the earth as digits pulled at my hair and shook. Nothing to keep me grounded and centered.

         Loki called out for me and then I was running. Away from him and the harshest, sweetest truth of all that would ruin me down the line. I ran back into the busy area of the city. Hand still grasping at a rope of curls because the touch centered me a little. Eyes darting, I hurried forth until I saw a familiar face.

         Fandral leaving the training grounds alone, smiling and waving at a friend as I made my path toward him once he was far enough away. He saw me and abruptly stopped, mouth opening to say my name until I rushed into his arms, sobbing wholeheartedly. My friend embraced me on instinct, partially holding me up so I didn’t slip to the stone ground.

        “Shhh,” Fandral held me tighter, the back of his hand pressing my face into his chest, “come back home with me. How about you tell me every detail there?” 

        Sniffling, I nodded and let him lead me off, his arm tight around me while I stumbled.

        Fandral lived on his own now since the early passing of his parents in some particularly nasty raids. I'd held him that week the same way he was holding me now. His mother’s sword was prized of him.

        The fireplace warmed the living room so he seated me on a couch with far too many cushions. I had already started to tell him everything while he sat himself across from me. Words clipped and jumbled together. Fandral was well attuned to my rambling nonsense and the fact that my speech would improve with the fluffiest fur pillow he owned.

        "Easy. Slower. Take one breath." Fandral crossed my arms around the cushion. "There's my lady." Fur slipped between my fingers and I shuddered there, mellowing some so I could continue at the texture bringing me more ease. Words slowed.

        Fandral gave me his encouragement, listening intent. My fingers squeezed and shifted about blindly while I peered aside and explained. Eye contact too difficult. The tufts of fur settled me as I smoothed it. Back and forth between my nervous digits.

        I did leave out one detail.

        “How is it you feel now?” He began after, reaching to wipe my dried tears with a tissue.

        “Like I want to drown him in a pond for real,” I muttered, earning a half-amused look as I tucked some messy hair behind my ear. "It was just...jarring and cruel. What's been his problem lately? This up and down. I can’t read him anymore. He used to confide in me and he ignores me basically until this?"

        “That's certainly Loki. Last time he pulled this, we had Volstagg sit on him until he broke. You thought our friend was mortally wounded, it shocked you. You just care...deeply so.” Fandral sat back and I shook my head.

        “You’re way off here. He's infuriating me right now,” I denied it. "I shouldn't have fallen for it. It was silly." Tilting his head, that darling face went a little serious while I exhaled, relaxing finally.

        “Do you feel the need to wound yourself?”

        “Now? No. I'm extremely hurt and angry. I'd never do it over something...like that. You don’t have to ask me that every time I’m down.” I was down often.

        “If you do later-”

        “I’ll come to you and wake you from your bed with whatever person you’re sharing it with at the time,” I chuckled, eyes lifting.

        “What are friends for?” Fandral had grinned, nodding. “How has that been?”

        “In the twenty-four hours since you last asked me?”

        “I’m not trying to be overbearing about it.” He frowned which got me softening.

        “I know. I just...I haven’t thought about it if that sets you at some ease.” I spoke. “I’m trying to find the will in myself to just not do it. I’m worried about falling back. Maybe one day I’ll just stop. Takes time.”

        “You always have been too hard on yourself. We have Thor, for example, who bursts at the seams when he's having a bad day. Drowns Asgard in thunderstorms so we all know it. And we have you, who takes things out on yourself. You’re pulling too. I’ll bet Loki noticed. Pranks are his way of processing when he doesn’t have much else to do. Maybe he was trying to catch your eyes.” A beat. “I am here for you regardless.”

        “Yes, you are. And I’m grateful for you. I’ve always been grateful for you.”

        “You are my sweetest lady and confidante,” Fandral shrugged and I beamed, a barely there flicker but it was something. It shocked people that we were so close, considering Fandral's stark and flirty reputation. He observed me for one beat, then went in for a kill. “Do you have feelings for Loki?” 

         Now that jarred me. I puffed for theatrics. Eyes rolling. An absolutely barbaric and ridiculous sentiment.

         “What? Ha! No... I cannot. No. There isn’t a chance in hell. You think that's something that can play out?” I shook my head, though he didn’t look convinced. A quick pulse as my eyes slid to him. Playing cool and steady in my tone. Innocent. "Why? Did he say something?"

         Fandral went utterly flat at me.

        "What?" I snipped back.

         “Both of you are acting strange this year. Did something else happen?”

         “No! We just got busy. I don’t know. I’m trying harder to climb the ranks and I'm a disaster and he… Well, I don’t know what he’s been up to. Probably court and Elder Council business. They always set him on edge.”

        “And the constant looks between you two are just coincidence when you are together. Lead tongues and wandering eyes.” Fandral could be a total bother. 

        “There are no looks! You’re reaching for a star here.” Eyes shifted. My face perked with heat. Tone lowering as if Loki was listening now. “...Even if I did, they’d fade and that would be that. We’re just close friends, he’s a prince and I live in the distant villages. Even a moment of feelings, it can’t go anywhere. Where is this coming from? He hurt me. I’m mad at him.”

         I wasn’t any longer. In truth, I want to apologize because that was my habit. Maybe offer to wash his ruined clothing. I winced. Wouldn't blame him for sending guards to flay me.

         “I am sorry, I'm not saying this anger isn't justified. You're allowed to feel how you wish. What he did was foul, I just… You and Loki both are...going through somewhat of a strange time. No one in our circle can make heads or tails of this. Both seem reserved and, forgive me, I've wondered. Are you really so certain about those feelings?” Fandral watched me smile fully.

        A sigh cast.

         “That is what I will tell myself.”

** ** **

         Mortified, I didn’t edge near the palace or training grounds. No guards came for me either. 

         Loki, always able to find me regardless, tried approaching me days later in town but I turned around and ran off. Not graceful about that.  

         He tried to corner me again in the marketplace but I brushed past him. Upset and embarrassed. He didn’t push, just showed up to gauge if he should approach at all.

         Once more, he tried but again I shook my head and went the opposite direction. He accepted it every time.

         Not now, Loki. Days of not now. Not now, Loki. Not now, feelings. Not now, emotions. Not now, heart.

         That same heat just sweltered inside me. Felt like I was constantly walking through it. 

         Another week by and I dared to approach the willow tree. Being here with the tree branches rustling was still better than being at home. A book and the sun rays streaming through emerald green leaves. Light outlined the clouds and I tried to make sense of the shapes. Dreaming as always. 

         Yawning, I fought the enticing pull of sleep from my tired eyes. Arms curled in as I continued to read, nestled snug and safe. Trying to hold onto words lined neatly before me. 

         Wind swept the branches and my loose hair aside. I smiled softer, watching the leaves dance as a few floated down to land on my novel. Falling stars. Sleep had been a fickle thing lately. So when I closed my eyes to rest, my mind slipped away as the book fell forward into my stomach.

         Thankfully, I didn’t dream.

         When I came to, I realized slowly that my head was no longer against the twisted bark of the tree’s trunk. A hum followed. I covered my face with my hand to rub the sleep from my eyes, moving strands of hair away. No telling how long I was out. The sun streamed high above me still.

         “Morning.” A voice broke into my thoughts and I jolted awake, turning my head to see Loki’s calm expression before I realized my head was in his lap. That heat was back again. Consuming me. 

         “What?” I snapped up away from him. Hurried fingers brushing my curls into place as if they ever obeyed me. “What are you doing here?”

         “Reading.” He stared down at his book, not bothering to further mortify me with those eyes that saw too much.

         “No, I mean, what are you-?”

         “You fell asleep alone and outside. I required a place to read and this is always our spot. So, I decided to ensure no one bothered you while I enjoyed the weather. I do have a royal duty to my people.” Loki’s words warranted a glare from me. He smiled there, stunning, and plucked a leaf from my locks. 

         “So, you put me in your lap?” My face gave this scrunch. 

         “No, I was simply next to you and you got into it all on your very own an hour ago. It was actually rather touching. Little stray cat.” His words jabbed into me so I flashed a tight smile. What was his problem this month?

         “You’re mocking me.” I tried not to sound so wounded about it.

         “I’m being completely sincere.” He breezed, closing the book to see me give an unimpressed squint.

         "I was here first, the tree's mine."

         "I am Prince of Asgard. I own the tree." Loki scoffed, too entertained by my stubbornness.

         "Prince. So, your dad owns the tree," I corrected and he looked aghast for effect, "I'll go to him. I'll buy the tree at a fair price from his majesty."

         "You'll buy the tree. Just the tree?" His grin got me breaking. Just slightly in small twitches.

         "Yes, and I'll put up a sign banning Prince Loki specifically. Your picture will be on it."

         "Can I pose for the portrait at least?" He offered in jest. A huff left me to hide that I wanted to laugh, head shaking before I said something else.

         “I was on your lap the whole time, why didn’t you wake me?”

         “What reason would I have to wake you? You looked legitimately peaceful. For once.” Loki shrugged. “And you were not in my lap the whole time.”

         I let out a breath of relief. 

         “You started off on my shoulder.” Smug.

         No… An irritated sound picked up instead. I rubbed at my face, fists dropping.

         “Yes, well, it was an accident.” On fire, all I could do was scold myself.

         “I like this,” Loki chuckled then, head tilting to see the view.

         “What?” I wanted to get up and leave but couldn’t bring myself to.

         “I finally got you to speak to me alone for an extended period of time without issue. No distractions. No mud in my clothing.” Loki smirked like he’d won a prize. Wrists flicked and the book wished itself away. I didn’t let myself marvel for once.

         “Don’t get used to it.” I picked up my nearby bag.

         “Initially, I anticipated that I would get you to do it sooner but I seem to underestimate when it comes to you,” Loki spoke idly, taking my hand as I shifted to get up. “Enough, sit down, enjoy the view while it lasts before the rain starts. I can already smell it on the wind. Don’t be embarrassed, I understand you getting upset.”

         “Loki, I’m not in the mood.” I'm never in the mood anymore.

         “Do you wish to discuss what occurred?” Loki blinked. "Those were my favorite pair of pants, you know."

         “I don’t want to talk about what happened. Alright? And I hope your pants rest well in Valhalla.”

         “They shall... We won’t discuss it.” Loki shrugged after I sat back, wondering why he was bothering with me now. “As I was saying, I figured you would come to me, but alas, no. We do not quarrel often but the breaking down and screaming that you hated me.”

         “Which I meant every word of.” My arms crossed tight.

         “And I am certain you did.” Loki’s eyebrows quirked up and he looked amused again. Eyes trained on my pout. “Truth be told, you have looked a mess the past few months. Wrong trick at the wrong time.”

         “Oh. Thanks,” I spoke flatter, sarcastic. “Coming from you and the terrible pranks you’ve been pulling this year. You took it way too far. You can’t just-”

         "You believe that I took it too far?” Loki repeated in genuine disbelief.

         “Yes. Loki, you cannot-”

         “What?”

         “Look, just don’t do this to me. I can't.” I shook my head, trying to stand but he stopped me again. Fingers cool around my hand. I met his eyes while a thumb traced a circle. “Not now.”

         “Would you really just end our companionship for this? Why?”

         “Why did you pretend to end your life for a measly laugh?” I countered. “You’ve been avoiding me the same way I’ve been avoiding the world.”

         “You were about to save me,” Loki mused instead. “Curious to save someone you suddenly hate.”

         “Of course, you are…you were my friend. Look, I’m not...” Mad. Just projecting at the wrong time.

         “And are we not friends still? You have been pulling away from everyone. I simply got your attention. I realize it wasn't the way and I apologize.” He got me to still, eyes back on him. Steady. Unblinking. "Making you cry will go down as one of my biggest regrets. You pulled and I acted irrationally."

         “You pulled long before me. We used to talk. We used to spend time together. One moment you're approaching me, happy and chatty. The next, you're snide and you don't want anything to do with me. And then, you pull pranks like that. I can't read you. ...What do you want?” I sat back, my posture slack as he watched me. “What do you want from me?” His answer shocked me and it took everything within to remain indifferent.

         “Allow me to know you once more.” Loki’s glimmering eyes seared too easily into my brown ones and my heart warmed but I shook my head after a silence that went on for eternity. "I realize I've been mixed with you and if that's the reason you're shutting down-"

         “It's not. It's not you. Goodbye, Loki.” I stood up. “I can’t do this right now. You’re right though, I am a mess and I can’t pretend I’m not right now. Not in front of you at least. That's why I'm pulling and I'm sorry for it as well. Maybe we'll get the timing right another millennia.”

         “Don't want you to pretend for me. I can and will wait.” He decided all at once. "We'll figure the timing."

         Footsteps ceased and I turned, hand grasping at my bag.

         “No, it’s too late. I don’t want to do this now. Or ever. I am tired. I don’t feel like me anymore.” I felt only of red welts bubbling and bursting blood up my skin. Toughening scars. Weights tied around my soul pulling me deeper into the depths with no end.

         “You screamed because you care so much. You're still in there. And you're lying now.” Loki’s voice slipped lower. “There is no way that-”

         “Why can’t you just leave it alone?”

         “Have you ever known me to truthfully do that?” Loki quirked his lip and I laughed dryly, shaking my head. “Tell me to wait. I will. For you.” Shivers etched my spine. Loki’s chest rose and fell.

         “Why would I need to tell you to do something I already know you’re going to do?” 

         “Very good.” Loki smiled. Pleasant prince with the wind caressing his skin. “We still know each other rather well in some aspects.”

         “You just never give up, do you?” I stated with no tone in my voice.

         “And I do not want you to give up on me,” Loki replied and I glanced down, shuffling back further. “This is clearly not because of my trick anymore.”

         “I didn’t mean to shove you,” I spoke instead, eyes on the grass beneath my boots. “You grabbed me and I was upset. Alarms went off inside my mind.”

         “I should not have grabbed at you.” Loki stared into me. “Why are you denying me?”

         “We’ve grown together with everyone else. I've known you and Thor since I was a child. We met right by this ancient willow tree. I considered you one of my closest friends and I respect and care for you. You always had a place in my life.”

         “You have a warm place in mine.” Loki cut in smoother causing my eyes to lift. "A safe place to speak your thoughts."

         “We used to do things together. All of us. I have…learned much from you and I even admire you to an extent. Being in battle with our group is all I think about some days. Proving myself.” I paused, our eyes locked onto each other. “But, on occasion, you also remind me of myself, and I’m confronted with...too much. I don’t think it’s a bad thing. It’s just exposing. It’s like when we talk, you try to open up my chest and peek inside without asking and I’m not ready for that. I realize that now. I'm not ready. Even if I might covet it. I have something in myself to work at first.”

         I wanted it. I'm just not ready for it. Not with too many welts and healing scars.

         “All right.” He accepted that.

         “All right?” I narrowed my gaze on his while he nodded as if what I said was fair. As if that was all he needed this hour.

         “I believe you heard me correctly. You’re right.” 

         Few Asgardians ever heard such words from Prince Loki. His lips upturned before he conjured up his book again and I turned around, leaving him there in peace.

         Loki always knew how to surprise me, for better or worse.

         We both would wait and that brought fresh air into my lungs.

Chapter Text

         Rain came the next day as Loki predicted. Falling lightly for hours along Asgard. Sparkling with too much grace. Sound that blocked the world out. I stayed hidden and lost on the training grounds. Sitting under some shelter, I sharpened my sword and dagger; entertained by Thor and Volstagg dueling. Both of them soaked and covered in mud. They always entered into these wars with grey weather. 

         This particular sword was a gift from my father. Much heavier than I liked. Too broad and a thick blade with an awkward handle to grip. Soon I would be honored with his prized axe officially. Even heavier. I dreaded the moment most warriors dreamed of. Legacy. 

         “Hello, Hogun,” I smiled as he passed me to go out, a practice mace in hand. He gave me a nod before he went and Fandral came under the shelter not long after, sweeping his wet, blond hair back. Looking too good and messy while my curls frizzed up.

         “Have a good workout today, my friend?”

         “Earlier. It was average today. However, my weapons are now in great shape,” I grinned, “though, Thor seems to be more into it than everyone else.” 

         We watched the buff warrior slide across the mud, sweeping his weapon out to trip Volstagg. Triumphant, Thor fell back into the muck while it sloshed every direction. Cheers erupted and rain beat. Unable to contain it, I laughed to myself and set my sword away to work on the dagger.

         “He always is.” Fandral glanced at me while I scanned the field of warriors. “Just so you know…the man you’re looking for went inside when the rain began. Before you got here this morning.”

         “Who?” Distracted, I blinked and shook my head, turning my focus to him as I continued with my blade mechanically. No good to play dumb.  

         “Or should I say, the prince you are looking for?” Fandral smirked, always so cheeky, and I rolled my eyes. We paused when another warrior passed by to set their practice tools aside.

         “I’m not looking for him,” I defended after, “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Why are you pushing this now?”

         “You’re unhappy.” Fandral decided with his knowing glint, “and you miss our friend. He clearly misses you enough to play dead for your attention. But, I’m sure pining is a better term.”

         “Funny. But, no,” I insisted, “I’m not pining for anyone. I’m still upset at him and I don’t plan on pining ever.”

         “My sweet lady, I do not even need to see right through you to know the truth. No need to hide. You don’t get upset like this. Something’s changed.”

         “There isn’t anything to admit to here,” I chuckled at him. “I’m already a mess, I don’t think pining over anyone would do me any good either way. Furthermore…Loki is actually the most aggravating man ever…next to you right now,” I smiled sweeter and Fandral laughed at me. “What proof do you even have?”

         “Well, for one…while we’re talking, you keep looking out to see if he’d come back. Talk to him. Let the water flood out. Good thing for you both.” Fandral grinned when my gaze snapped from the training grounds to him, cheeks flushing. “Apart from that, I’ve seen the way you look at him. The years are so long for us. I know what it looks like. Frankly, I’m kicking myself for not noticing it earlier. I'm not saying to do anything else, just get your friend back.”

         “Honestly, Fandral, I don’t know what’s gotten into you-ow!” A gasp pulled when something cut into my tender forearm at my distractions. The sharpened blade sliced delicate and clean into flesh. 

         There was a moment when the beads of blood pricked up through my skin that I forgot where I was and this familiar feeling of relief washed over me. No. A sigh slipped out. Fandral snapped my name and yanked me from my daze when I dropped my things. Weights pulled me deeper. He grasped my arm to tape some gauze upon the tiny cut.

         “Are you well?” Fandral worked quicker as he tried to find my eyes. “You look shaken.”

         “I’m fine…just caught off-guard by my clumsiness,” I forced a chuckle. “It was an accident.” I think. Getting harder to tell myself that.

         “Yes, I saw,” Fandral nodded as if to reassure himself too before I pulled away, touching the white tape. “Get a healing stone or ointment for that later.”

         “It’s fine. Thank you.” I pulled my rolled sleeves down and sheathed my weapons before standing to buckle them back around my waist. “I…think I’m done for the now.” I smiled, swift and easy. “Need a walk.”

         “Are you certain? In the rain?”

         “Yes,” I swallowed, “I’ll see you later, Fandral.”

         Waving, I moved to go before he could say anymore. Dazed even while the rain sprinkled my hair and skin. Not washing away enough.

         That drizzle continued while I walked along the grounds, pulling my arms closer to my chest as it soaked. Weapons clinked softer with each step when I passed a few people and paused, looking up at the gold of the palace. Feeling smaller than I liked beneath it.

         Seemed to never end. The more I looked. The further down I tried to see. 

         Curls damp, I stopped to sit on a bench when no one was in sight. Frigga's garden colored the grounds around me. Blooms of too many iridescent colors that would tint and cloud my world for years to come. Droplets splattered the silken petals. 

         Exhale. Eyes closed so I could feel the softness of rainfall against my skin. Hands clasped together. Like I might utter wishes with the multitude of simple drops that could make a glittering, limitless ocean one day down the line. 

         I stayed there a moment and found some peace. When I opened my eyes, I couldn’t feel the rain anymore and looked up in question only to see the large, black umbrella Loki was holding over me. Silent, his eyes seemed to be attempting to find those same wishes.

         “What are you doing here?” I spoke after we stared at each other a few beats.

         “Am I not allowed to walk about the grounds of my own palace?” he countered and I raised an eyebrow at him. Loki glanced down at his black nails and seemed amused when I went on.

         “Do you have this unending need to not answer questions properly?”

         “When it pleases me.”

         “So, all the time?” I watched him twitch a near-smile.

         “As long as it pleases me, so yes. All the time.” Loki’s glimmering eyes trailed along my soaked form. “Come with me,” he was already turning so I stood.

         “Where?”

         “Inside.”

         “Why?”

         “Must you always question me?”

         “As long as it pleases me,” I mocked. Actually smug. One amused breath left his lungs.

         “Come,” Loki repeated. “Come with me…because I asked you to. How is that for an explanation?”

         “Pretty terrible but you’re reaching the right direction,” I moved under the umbrella with him as he paced back toward the palace. Fingers dug into my sleeves. Loki’s arm shifted idle behind my back but he didn’t touch me. The heat was felt regardless. 

        Sometimes when we were together, I felt him everywhere. Hard not to wonder if I could have such effects. 

         “Where are we going?” I asked quieter once we’d gotten under the shelter and Loki closed the umbrella, waving his hand to make it disappear with ease.

         “You are completely soaked through and shaken,” my friend observed instead.

         “Yes, well, I’m a tough girl; I can handle a bit of rain, put on my own shoes, swing a sword, and everything now,” I offered. Tone made of honeyed sarcasm. Something he loved to bring out of me for a taste. 

         Loki instead flicked his wrist and I gasped as my clothing and hair dried instantly. The swelter of his magic crept over my bones. Kissed me utterly. I had to remind myself to breathe.

         “There.”

         “I’d appreciate a little warning next time.” I attempted to tame my messy locks with my fingers before Loki came forward.

         “I am certain that you would,” he plucked a leaf from my hair and tossed it aside. Another stolen breath. I hoped to collect that debt in the sweetest way. Beaming at my expression, Loki nodded for me to follow; which I did begrudgingly. “Still upset with me?”

         “Always.”

         “I see. At least our relationship has some form of consistency this year.” Loki came upon the double doors for the library and I followed him inside to see the massive room empty for now. Three stories high. Miles of books and scrolls upon towering shelves that curved about. Waiting to be delved into. Glowing. Begging.

         The room was also attached to a locked-off section. Absolutely restricted except to the royals.

         “I haven’t been in here in a while,” I paused. “Why did you bring me here?”

         “I simply wanted to see if I could get you to come inside with me and have a civil conversation,” Loki smiled and I rolled my eyes. Lips parting to groan quieter at him.

         “Well, if you’re done experimenting, maybe I should go.”

         “You’re already in here,” Loki shrugged, “what is there for you to do in the rain?”

         “I’ll just go train more, I could use it. They’re going to test me eventually and soon I’ll go to real war with the rest of you instead of such tedious battles within this province. Thor’s hope for me.” I turned to go but felt something shift on my side.

         “How would you train under my dear brother without your weapons?” Loki gloated while my sword and dagger made their way into his hands.

         “Give them back!”

         “No,” came the challenge as I rushed forward and he lifted them up.

         Loki was a head taller than me with long arms that went on forever, so when I reached up, I had no chance. Huffing and puffing. I yanked at his shoulder with little avail, jumping to grab them but Loki backed up and I came forward until our bodies pressed together against a pillar.

         “I’m not opposed to harming a royal prince,” I threatened, practically trying to climb him to reach up. My body was flush with sloping curves and the weight had no effect on his lean frame. I hung there from his arm, growling same as a mad cat. "You give up?"

         He chuckled at me. Thrilled to pieces. 

         “Why such a heavy-handed sword today? We’ve spoken about this.” Loki mused, causing me to still. Narrowing. “You don’t even enjoy it as much as you enjoy archery training. A lighter sword would suit you better either way. What happened to free range of motion?”

         “How do you...?” I stopped completely, stepping back to face him. “I mean, you…you don’t know that for sure about archery. I’m fine with a heavy sword. Just expanding my skill set.” Lie.

         “Yes, but your passion is not in it,” he explained, eyeing my look of confusion. Here was my friend again. “I’ve seen you. I know you. I know what you are like when you’re genuinely elated about something. You practically dance.”

         “Really? Huh,” I crossed my arms as he pulled the blade out a few inches to admire it. “My father gave me that. It is my destined weapon until he gifts me with his battleaxe. Like Volstagg and his own axe and Thor and his hammer. Legacy is everything here. Actually, it's not everything. Legacy is the only thing. I follow the path of my father and mother before me.”

         “Not happier to blaze your own? Certainly, you’ve tried. It’ll get you drunk eventually.” Loki craned over to see me closer. Scanning. "You're a talented dancer."

         “I haven’t thought about it.” My voice gave a tell-tale tremor.

         “Lies. Have it your way then,” Loki took my hips and pulled me forward, causing me to freeze up as he caught my gaze and held it. Slowly, he buckled my weapons back around my hips; tugging the belt just once for good measure. Loki jerked me to bump into him, my breath ceased. Hands caught his shoulders. He seemed to enjoy that. “Your destined weapon. Interesting.”

         “Why’s that?” I found my voice when he stepped away and passed me to sort through a stack of books. As if he hadn’t filled my heart with lovely, flaming arrows.

         “During spars, you look to simply be gaining and improving skills, the rage and heat and excitement is not always there. As if you are simply going through the motions of being a warrior. These are just skills to gain for you, not your life. Your future. Your path has yet to be revealed and you know it’s not waiting in the legacy behind you.”

         “I’ll get better,” I persisted in the same desperate voice I’d used the many times I’d said this to my father. Realizing Loki was not even remotely close to him, I shook my head swifter. “I…mean,” he was staring so pointedly at me, “I am great with a sword. I am a great warrior but I know I’ll never be like Hogun… With my skill, I’ll never be like Fandral or Thor. I had to pick friends in Asgard's greatest warriors. Maybe I don’t have a specialty like the rest of you. I'll never be Sif. But, I won't stop.”

         “Thank Valhalla for that,” Loki mused and I relaxed some before he said something else. “What would you have to gain by being someone that you are not?” He paused then answered for me. “The approval of your father? He, who put the sword in your hand and said that it was your destiny?” 

         So often, I loathed that the prince knew me and somehow knew the questions that kept me up at night. Knew what was in my heart and marrow.

         “You’re one to talk about that. Prince Loki, pride of King Odin.” I offered silently and Loki’s expression twitched. “And I know, I know myself rather well. More than I’d like to perhaps. That need to be everything for everyone.” My laughter billowed soft and dry. “It’s probably already ripped me apart.”

         I smiled at him that time. Genuine as can be.

         “Do you harbor more fear of being seen or not being seen at all?” Loki spoke, gaze fixed on mine and my hands clenched into fists for a moment before letting go.

         “Someone seeing me. Really seeing me for all that I am. Those are the thoughts that make me smile instead with fear of my face cracking like porcelain.” My confession caused Loki to search my eyes.

         “Look at us, do you feel that again?”

         “Feel what?”

         “I believe that this is us bonding once more.” Loki appeared pleased and I let out out a snicker, breathless as I shook my head at him. Unbelievable. Approaching the table, arms crossed tight while I watched him gaze back at me. “I appreciate that your frustration doesn’t cloud you so. You still know yourself rather well. So much obliviousness in our realm.”

         “Ah. Self-awareness is a blessing and a curse.” I smiled, lifting to shrug comically.

         "As your close friend, I can say that you are the most self-aware, yet completely agitating woman I’ve ever known.”

         “And you’re completely insufferable, my prince." Cheeky, I scrunched up to smile that time. I knew I was the only one to say it like that. My prince. Affectionate. Sarcastic. "This likely means we’re meant to be great friends or the opposite.”

         Appearing to like my reply, Loki leaned over the table.

         “I am quite certain that there is a third option.”

         “Which is?”

         “We shall see. Life is exciting that way. Keep that open mind, it thrills me.” Loki went back to the pile of large books in front of him, some appeared to be ancient. Elegant fingers shifting deft over spines. Another shiver. “Being as we are companions once more-”

         “I never said that.”

         “-what has been on that mind of yours lately?” One soft, manicured finger lifted toward my temple.

         “Normal Asgardian woes. Just stressed and tired,” not a complete lie, “trying to pull myself together. Train it away. Worried about being judged by the Elder Council more so than the King. The usual. It’s just one of those months, you know, my friend pretends to die and I didn’t like it naturally.”

         “I find it endearing that you would have tried to revive me.”

         “So I could throttle you myself,” I smiled kindly and he scoffed at me.

         “Either way,” Loki paused, tone changing. “You are different.”

         “Am I?” I still beamed, light. “What about you?”

         “Me?”

         “Locking yourself into the library more often. True, I’ve not been very open but you show up only to enact nasty tricks or to offer a few words before you’re gone again. I can't make heads or tails of the mood changes.” I glanced down to summon my nerve before looking back up at him. “You closed yourself off again and I…missed you. You barely spend twenty minutes on the training grounds. You've been keeping more to yourself. Something is almost missing from you these days.”

         “Missing?” Loki tilted his head, eyes beyond me. “I am a noble prince of Asgard and the most talented sorcerer in the realm. A son of the great King Odin, Allfather, and Queen Frigga. Everything I could possibly desire is at my disposal. A legacy forged in glittering gold that'll be etched upon these halls forever. Drops in the eternal stream. Surely, this is all I have ever wanted and needed. Right?”

         Sounded like something he memorized.

         “True, but whether you believe that or not might have an effect.” I paused, idly rounding the table to approach him. “And do you believe that, Loki?” He stepped closer until our bodies almost brushed together.

         “That is what I will tell myself.” The familiar words invaded every fiber of my being. 

         Loki looked down at me and tilted his head at the same time my eyes traced down his face. Each angle sculpted just so by divine fingers. I felt the back of his hand graze mine and had to stop myself from taking it. Stop fires before they could start. Stop arrows and stolen breaths and sweet silences. Stop souls from unfurling to dance along the room.

         We stared at each other and my brow furrowed when one of his fingers trailed a line down mine. A shudder rocked my world to pieces. Fire. Smoke. Consume me. My lips parted and still, Loki’s unnaturally bright bejeweled eyes stared holes into me. I hoped they never stopped in truth, fears aside.

         Our moment ended suddenly when the door opened before I took a full step away from him. Trembling.

         “Loki,” Thor barged in, one hand wrapped around his wrist and I spotted a burn singed across his knuckles. Washed up from his bout in the mud.

         “Again? Really, brother? I figured you had finally gotten used to Mjolnir. That shall teach me to overestimate you.” Loki’s flash of teeth charmed and Thor shot him a flatter look. “Too embarrassed to go to the healers again with mother there to shake her head at you?”

         “Loki.” Thor grumbled. “No. This was closer and I figured you would be here. You’re also in good company.” He smiled at me in greeting, which I returned.

         “No, it is not closer,” Loki mused, “but I suppose I have to assist the future king in holding his pride together. As I've been reminded at the last ten meetings. It’s what I positively live for.” I glanced at Loki for a moment in realization before I looked to Thor again. A few pieces skimmed together. “Come and sit down by the window, I suppose.” Thor beamed and I followed Loki over as he sat with his brother following. “What would you do without me?”

         “Be sitting in front of the healing room, earning that classic disapproving look from mother.”

         “Yes, well, you think about that next time you do this,” Loki took Thor’s wrist and glanced at me watching carefully. “Come here.”

         “Hm?” I tilted my head but Loki waved me over to sit next to him.

         “I’ll teach you to use a healing stone properly, you’ve never crafted or used one,” Loki reveled in Thor’s fallen expression.

         “I could have gone to get a healing stone myself from mother’s team, I came to you because your spell is swift and painless.”

         “Future king not in the mood for a bit of pain?” Loki’s lip quirked and Thor growled low in his throat. “This is punishment for getting burned for the fourth time this month. Learn a little control, that's the point of your beloved hammer.”

         “I’ve seen it done a few times. Healing stones.” I watched him conjure one easily before motioning for me to sit between him and Thor. “Sorry, Thor,” I whispered and he looked entertained.

         “Whatever gets rid of this. Don't mind a few more burns to be the best.” His smile infected me easily. One of Thor's specialties in all his boasting. 

         “Healing stones are not exactly tricky, nor do they require any real amount of magic." The younger prince explained. "Anyone with a brain here can use them, which is why my brother came to me.” 

         Thor stilled when Loki’s words dawned on him.

         “Wait, I-!”

         “Can you not see that I am instructing, brother?” Loki put the healing stone in my hand. “As I was saying, any Asgardian has the power to create and use them. For this burn, you are going to want to crush it in your hand and rub it into the wound like a balm. Do it rough. Make sure to cover the whole wound.”

         “Easy enough." I decided, observing the warm, smooth texture. "Forged in flames, they used to daunt me."

         “Try now.” They both watched me hesitate before I glanced up at Thor and he nodded.

         “I trust you far more than I do him,” Thor’s light words caused Loki to hum behind me.

         “So he does have a brain." Came the utter near my ear.

         Teeth edging into my lip. I began to crush the stone, powder and light falling through my fingers as warm sand on a beach. Thor winced just a bit when I took his wrist and did as Loki said. Thumbs rubbing careful circles until Thor winced so I froze.

         “Go on,” Loki coaxed. I swallowed, continuing as a soft glow engulfed the wound when it faded. Thor flexed his fingers before he nodded slowly.

         “You are a natural,” Thor grinned wide after I did. "They usually miss parts the first time and have to do another."

         Sure the buildup was exciting. Sure the relief was fulfilling. But, watching a wound heal was truly comforting. Glancing at Loki, he gave me a nod of approval and I beamed.

         "Does this mean I'm battle-ready now without tests?"

         "Ha. Nice attempt. Wait for your formal trial." Thor bopped my nose with one finger before ruffling my curls aside. Bright laughter pulled out my lips until I pushed him back.

         “Try not to let this happen again, yes?” Loki interrupted, reaching to fix one of my locks back into place. “I’d rather not do this twenty more times.”

         “When I am King, you will not have much of a choice, brother. You’ll enjoy the chance to be smug.” Thor leaned his elbows onto his knees when Loki stood.

         “When you are King, I'll certainly still be cleaning up your messes and, to be honest, if this is still happening by the time you become King, I fear for Asgard.” Loki countered with ease as Thor chuckled, setting a hand on Loki’s shoulder after standing.

         “Until then, you have my thanks,” Thor looked to me with that beautiful smile, “you more so than him.”

         “Not a problem, Thor,” I giggled to suppress an odd swoon, swaying when he nodded, turning to go. The prince had that effect on those around him. Made of gold.

         “Learn to use Mjolnir without burning yourself.” Loki piped up.

         “Learn to control your use of tricks around the palace. Father is still furious after the last one made the elders go into fasting.”

         “That was half your fault and I truly cannot help myself,” Loki called while Thor chuckled and left us before he looked back at me.

         “You two never quit,” I sat back, bracing myself on my hands. Legs crossed and Loki's eyes flicked down. “Did you teach me that to bother Thor?”

         “It worked, did it not?”

         “I suppose so,” I fell back and hugged myself, happiness etched around my insides. Filled with dancing butterflies. “I liked that.”

         “Hm?”

         “Healing him, I liked it a lot. Just felt good. Simple as it might have been.” I paused, watching him before I came to my feet. “How is it you feel when you do magic?”

         “Powerful. Natural. Like I am in control of the situation.” He returned to the table, eyes elsewhere. Shifting open scrolls about while I approached. 

         “Even when you know you’re not?”

         “Even when I know that I am not,” Loki repeated, moving a stack of parchment aside. “Magic just came with ease to me. No use running from that. Even if our warriors will never understand the magnitude of it.”

         “But, all Asgardians have the capacity to do it. In some length.”

         “Yes, some much more so than others. Though it is not popular, considering our society values who can swing their weapon faster. It’s a tool of science, healing, and art. The way I use it…bothers them.”

         “For what it is worth, I enjoy watching you and the Queen use it,” I clasped my hands and Loki’s lip curled up at me. Something connected. Be brave now. “Would you ever consider teaching someone as your mother taught you?”

         “Gods, no, I would not have the time or patience for that.” Loki chirped in an instant.

         The words were so quick. So easy.

         “Oh…” I shrugged, forcibly nonchalant. “Just wondering. Is illusion magic still your preferred skill?”

         “All of these questions suddenly,” he teased.

         “Well, we’re trying to bond again so,” I shrugged, “illusion magic?”

         “Illusion magic was where most of my interest dwelled, yes. I consider it my best as well even now. But, I spend so many hours devouring spell tomes, my skills have more than evened out by now,” Loki glanced at me. “Why the interest in the subject?”

         “Not used to anyone taking interest in it?”

         “No,” he replied pointedly.

         "If you look at it this way, some Asgardians walk about with one, maybe two weapons. You have a legion's worth and variety. Skills piled together and they're all so different."

         "They intertwine as well. That creativity marks the mind of a sorcerer. New aspects bloom by the hour." Loki's face twitched with delight. Pure and innocent. "Even beautiful if it fails. You still tried to craft something new and more days will come. Wonders along with them and plenty of success. Long as you keep prodding and pushing."

         Prince Loki made it so easy to tumble and fall when he spoke like that. Hope that sprung the same as flowers and wishing stars. He gave this exhale, glancing at the clock behind me. Tone shifting.

         “Damn, dinner is soon.”

         I looked outside and realized the sky had turned a darker color.

         “Oh, I should go in that case,” I spoke. "Time flies when you're bonding again."

         “It would seem so." A book closed in front of him. "You are actually not leaving for a while longer. If it pleases you.”

         “And why is that?” I watched him turn to me.

         “You are coming to dinner.”

         “…Why?”

         “I have just invited you.” Loki gestured. “Was that not clear?”

         “No.” I shook my head at him. "An invite starts with a kind question usually, not a statement."

         “I'm not one to follow the curve. You are invited to dinner regardless,” he went on in jest, “mind you, that it is rude to refuse a royal’s invitation.”

         “That's the spirit, Loki. Are you threatening me to get me to come to dinner?” I raised an almost amused eyebrow. Classic Prince.

         “I am very gently persuading you,” Loki gestured with one smooth hand and a shrug but I scoffed.

         “Well, I can’t, so you best walk me out.” I watched his lip curl up instead and furrowed my brow.

         “Fine, come with me,” Loki began to lead me out, “are you certain that you do not wish to attend?”

         To be frank, nothing would have thrilled me more. Rejecting kindness was still ingrained.

         “I really shouldn’t,” I replied, glancing at him. Eyes lingered and a silence pulled gold shrouds over our bodies. We paced down another hallway before he paused when someone walked toward us from a connecting one.

         “Mother,” Loki addressed the Queen floating practically toward us. Frigga grinned and I bowed deeply to her, noting she wasn't flocked by her ladies.

         “How many times have I told you not to do that to me, dear?” She radiated there. A delicate smile upon her beautiful face.

         “Many times, your majesty. Forgive me.”

         “Frigga,” she corrected, as she often did.  “Are you on your way out?”

         “No, she is joining us for our meal tonight,” Loki answered quicker and my head snapped to curse him in silence.

         “Really? Wonderful, I shall ensure there is a place for you at the table,” Frigga smiled at me and touched Loki’s shoulder.

         “Forgive me…I have nothing to wear,” I tugged at my shirt, nerves kicking in to dance.

         “I can have something sent to Loki’s room in a few minutes. Loki, make certain she is comfortable and be respectful to our guest during the meal.”

         “Certainly, mother,” Loki grinned like the little snake that he was and I shot him a glare when Frigga turned. 

         “See you both soon.” The Queen walked down another hallway and I pushed Loki when she was out of sight.

         “Using your sweet mother against me, are you serious? Spoiled prince.” Laughter erupted while he took my hand and pulled me off.

         “I can be very persuasive,” Loki walked us through the many hallways to his chambers all the while I grumbled at him. “If this really makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have to. I should not push but I missed your company and I want to make it up to you.”

         “No, the court makes me nervous I suppose but I’d like to stay. I do love the court ladies, it's the Elders when they’re about. Thank you, but you’re really the worst though, you know that, right?” I stumbled after him as he pulled me into his room, excited seemingly to have me around.

         I'd seen Loki's chambers many times. Lush and elegant in decor. Tomes piled with all his studies and magical artifacts. Always something covering his desk. Potions and ingredients. Too many curiosities.

         “I am certain that you will enjoy your dinner with us,” Loki gave me a look of triumph. Finding his reflection, clothing changed to something more suited for the meal before he straightened his collar. The prince’s eyes turned to me in the mirror when I stood behind him and I crossed my arms, shaking my head and earning a bemused glance.

         “Why are you suddenly trying to keep me around?” I asked when he turned to face me.

         “I told you, I wish to make amends. Am I not allowed to have a friend over? You’ve stayed for dinner before.”

         “Years ago, when we were younger,” I laughed. "Only the warriors in the dorms dine on the grounds here."

         “Yes, well, you have no need to be truly nervous, I’ll be there if one of our other guests decides to badger you,” he glanced toward the door when an attendant knocked before calling, “come in.”

         “Your highness,” the man bowed, holding something covered in fabric, “the Queen had this sent.”

         “On the bed,” Loki gestured, turning back to the mirror, “that will be all.” The boy bowed again and made his way out.

         "Thank you." I'd piped that up meekly to address him.

         "You're welcome, milady." He seemed surprised I'd spoken, but shut the door.

         “Let’s see what mother sent my guest to borrow,” he waved his hand and the fabric moved back fluidly. Inching forth, I peered over his shoulder. “My mother clearly adores you.”

         “She’s wonderful,” I spoke, eyeing the simple dress. Dark teal with silver armlets around each sleeve and more matching designs along the hems. A pair of shoes to match.  

         “Change into this in the other room,” Loki was already pressing the dress into my arms. “Do not make us late.”

         “I swear,” I huffed, taking the garment with me. “I let you drag me around,” in the bathroom, I began changing as I complained, “you strut around with this charming, royal prince routine, but I see right through you.”

         “Right.”

         “You’re one of the biggest pains and you love it. You just love toying with everyone, especially me,” I began slipping the dress on, “and you think you’re just hilarious too. Ugh…” I realized I couldn’t tie the back of the dress. "Damn." Exhaling, I poked my head out of the bathroom door to see him leaning against his desk as he listened to me. Thoroughly amused.

         “Oh, did you need something?” Loki played coy and I matched it.

         “I am your guest and the Queen told you to be respectful,” I curled my finger at him. Loki raised an eyebrow but crossed toward me so I turned. “Where was I again in my rambling?” 

         “I think I’m hilarious,” the prince recited, deft fingers tying the dress up. Cool knuckles on my spine. Sweeter than the might of father's belt of course. No marks for him to kiss better.

         “Yes! Right. And I know you, hiding behind that smirk of yours,” I went on while Loki chuckled softer behind me, “when in reality, your defenses likely match mine. All that avoiding questions and skimming over answers. Please. I invented it.” I paused. only because Loki had moved my hair to continue. Fingers running into tresses. My breath hitched at the touch. “I often wondered if some souls were just meant to be in each other’s lives. That might explain us. Such frustrated souls. Bound together, unable to help it. Not that we want to.”

         “Possibly but you did have it correct earlier.” Loki finished and I turned, gazing up at him. “I do rather enjoy toying with you. Always rewarding to see a pretty girl blush.” A smile tugged at my lips. Eyes averting. He’d never called me that before. Pretty. “I believe you enjoy it at times as well.”

         “You all pick on me cause I'm the baby trying to keep up here. So, I’ll not admit to that, my prince,” I contemplated something and changed tones. “Does this sudden need for nasty tricks have to do with Thor?”

         “Nothing I ever enact has to do with Thor,” Loki insisted and I decided it was one of the biggest lies I’d ever heard from him. He turned as I grabbed my shoes and put them on.

         “Loki…we all knew that he would be formally announced as the heir soon. I remember the bells and horns going all day. The end of the road in sight, far as it might be. I’m sure the brighter spotlight isn’t easy. The warriors make their obnoxious jabs.” I tried to speak carefully, worried Loki would retreat from me again. Instead, he met my eyes. 

         “He is the first-born, destined always for the throne. It's never bothered me. Not the reality of it. As if I'd enjoy being trapped on a damn chair.” Loki clasped his hands behind his back.

         "First-born doesn't mean better." 

         “The damn sun shines for Thor, it was only a matter of time before father made it official to us. Though, it will still be a long time before he is given the crown. The path is set now. Closing in. I suppose the constant fussing over him now and reminder…upset me. I can deal with the warrior's celebrations, they're allowed that. It's the damn Elders and their talk like I'm a boy beneath them.” Standing taller, I approached and touched Loki’s shoulder. It was too easy for him to fall into the shadows of the House of Odin. “I accepted it a long time ago and you know that.”

         “I do, we spoke about it,” I got him to shift toward me and offered a smile. “You’ll be Thor’s adviser still despite the Council, you two will practically rule together. You have a place here. A home.”

         “No one in Asgard will see it that way.”

         “Frigga will and so will Odin,” I tried, “so will I. And Thor. He wants you to his right up there because he loves you. Asgard will always need you, there's no version where we thrive without you both. For what it’s worth, I am sorry…that this is hard on you. The Council is full of fools. Since we’re supposedly friends again,” I chuckled, “I am here for you and I want you to believe that.” 

         Loki lowered his gaze a moment, shifting his stance before he narrowed those bright eyes. Said something else entirely.

         “What happened to your arm?” The words made me go cold so I replied quick.

         “Oh, I was sharpening a blade and had a bit of an accident today,” I swallowed as he took my wrist and lifted my arm to get a look at the bandage. Without asking, Loki pulled the gauze away and hovered his hand over the cut. Skin pale against my darker tone. I didn’t speak while his palm glowed and the thin wound faded. “Thank you.”

         I snatched his hand in both of mine. Smoothing our skin together. Studying his ink nails. Touching things always felt like a calming act and a curious one. 

         “About what you stated, I am fine. Life moves on for us,” Loki’s eyes met mine again once he’d finished, hands still curled together. “Though, I do appreciate your sentiment.”

         “Good, because I meant it,” my lips curled up when I felt Loki’s thumb brush over my skin. Warmth etched. “I miss my friend even if he's attached the silliest nickname to me… Try not to play dead anymore, it doesn’t end well even if you were convincing. Save it for the enemy.”

         “I shall take your words into consideration,” Loki's free hand brushed some curls behind my ear, stilling me before he pulled away just as fast like he’d come back to himself. 

         Briefly, I wondered if he did it to be kind or if it was because he thought I was pretty. Maybe a happy mixture of the two pooling together to make something new. Something that made me long to be bold to see more for myself. That limitless ocean waiting.

         “Do not hide behind your curls tonight,” Loki said instead.

         “I’ll try,” I looked away, untold sensations unfurling within my own stomach. “Are you going to escort your guest to the banquet hall?”

         Loki's arm was offered toward me. One hand curled in to hold him. Too natural a motion.

         “I suppose, as the lady commands.” He led us out together. Into the chilly hallways. I squeezed into him, humming. "Do you really think the nickname is silly?"

         "I think it's perfect for us," I grinned into his sleeve, "but I'm still going to whine about it."

         "Fair enough, sweetheart."

Chapter Text

         “Where have you been, girl?”

         Father’s unwelcoming stare bore into me when I walked in later. The door creaked louder behind my steps.

         I said nothing. Nothing would suffice for him so he continued.

         "Not on the training grounds this late, I gather." His arms crossed. "Nothing productive."

         “Dinner,” I offered, setting my weapons away. I looked down at my clothing and missed the borrowed dress. Missed feeling regal and silken. Eyes scanned. “Mother.” 

         Steady, I peered at her in the kitchen behind my angry father and she knit her brow with worry. Didn’t step forward. Nerves prickling and bracing for the worst, I took a slow sidestep. Then another. When I tried to pass, my father pushed me enough to stumble backward against the wall because I ignored him.

         “I’m not lying!” Eyes shut tight when my skull bounced off the wall. I wished to sink into it. To disappear. To escape into the comfort darkness held. 

         “Answer me properly,” he slapped a meaty hand at my jaw. Fingers digging rougher by the second. Iron clamping. “Don’t look at your mother for help.”

         “Dear, please,” my mother was touching father’s shoulder. “She-”

         “I was at the palace, they invited me for dinner. I had to stay!” I confessed in a jumble, his bruising touch loosened at that and I stared at him wearily before I pressed myself into the wall. My prayer to disappear didn’t come true. His touch burned my lungs from the inside out.

         “The royals invited you to stay?” My mother was pulling my father back somewhat and I nodded. Eyes on him. “That’s wonderful,” she tried to defuse the tension. “Isn’t it wonderful? I'm sure she made a great impression as always with them.”

        "No doubt you looked like a show pig at that table." Two hard pieces of coal stared through me. 

        "The Queen gave me a dress. I didn't eat much, they were kind. I was polite. I was good." Fingers grasped at my shirt, twisting and tugging. Trying to hide my body away.

         “Don’t you embarrass us, little girl,” was all my father warned before leaving me there, I could feel my face heating with a bruise to come. Mother didn’t address me further, retreating to the kitchen. Swallowing, I slipped along the way into the hallway and jumped. There he was again.

         “You know I don't mean it. I drank too much,” Father was tender now. Doting. Cupping the cheek he left his mark on. “You’ll forgive me, won’t you? You’re my girl. All I have. Easy to be so protective. You’ll understand when you’re older.”

         Welling, I could only agree. Despite understanding none of it. 

         My father came in to kiss my cheek and touch my hair before he went outside. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I turned to go back into the kitchen. Mother’s shoulders dropped.

         “We cannot stay like this,” I whispered but she hushed me quicker. “He hurts me, mom.”

         “It's not bad. It's not that bad. It'll be worse if we leave. What have I told you?” She touched my shoulder. “You must pretend it does not bother you. Soon you will be out of here and off to a better life. Just stay out of the way and don't talk back.” I knew my mother meant well. “Stay close to your royal friends. I think it could be good for you, darling.”

         “I’m sorry,” I offered, no idea why. “Mom, what if I said…that I wanted to try magic and healing?”

         “That’s nice, dear. Do not give your father reason to be upset,” she watched me with her usual passive expression before I nodded. He never struck her. She obeyed blind. I was his forever target. The unruly piglet.

         “Yes, it wasn’t anything serious, just a random thought,” I shifted my feet and clasped my hands together.

         "Tell me about dinner. You haven't stayed in years."

         "Thor told some stories. The court ladies did too and braided my hair. They love to share gossip with guest warriors." I grinned, remembering. "And Loki showed us this amazing trick where he-"

         "That's fantastic. I'm glad you had a nice time with the princes." She never looked up from the dishes. "That Prince Thor is quite taken with you, I'm sure. You're so beautiful, you know that?"

         "Ah, I guess." I brought my long braid over my shoulder as if I could hide behind it. "I…I should go. I'm tired. Goodnight. I love you.”

         “I love you, too.”

         Quick steps followed, I made my way to my room. Pulse picking up while my stomach clenched and twisted. As if I'd eaten glass at dinner.

         Sinking, I stared at the floorboard with my tools under it for at least twenty minutes before I touched the swelling heat on my face. Pressing my fingers into it, I winced, deciding instead to get into bed and force myself into a restless sleep. Curled up toward the wall. Fingers traced the chipping paint before my lip quirked and I recalled it.

         “Pretty.”

** ** ** 

         “Are you leaving soon?” Volstagg smiled at me late the next day while I set my weapons aside. Washing my face and hands in a basin.

         “Yes, I have to return something to the palace library before I go back home,” I watched the warriors dwindle off after the long day of training as the sky turned glittery orange. Tucking some hair behind my ear, I sighed out to watch the colors shift. Volstagg paused a little abrupt and spoke.

         “What happened to your face, my friend?” He asked, reaching out to touch me but stopping instantly when I flinched out of habit. “Forgive me.”

         “No. No, ah, I…this morning, I got hit with a staff,” I forced a chuckle, “I forgot all about it. Messy spar.” The right side of my jaw had bruised after last night, but my hair hid it most of the day. Hiding behind my curls as always.

         “Sit, I have something for that,” Volstagg plopped down after I did. Eyes watched him curiously. “My youngest is always getting himself into trouble, harboring bruises from all the excitement with his little companions.” 

         “I can imagine.” I smiled and he pulled a small container of ointment out of his bag.

         “Being a father, you learn the necessary objects to carry around for the little one’s accidents.” Laughing, I watched him gesture for me to tilt my head. “This always does the trick. My wife's recipe.”

         “Thank you,” I allowed him to gently apply some to the swollen mark. Thumbing it into the color. My heart warmed at his fatherly instincts. Volstagg, always so great and compassionate with children despite the rough battles he'd seen.

         “Should disappear within the next half hour,” he explained, tipping my chin with that special brand of encouragement. “Take care of yourself.”

         “I’ll try,” I sat back when he put the container away. “Thank you again, you really didn’t have to.”

         “Nonsense, I look out for my friends. I don’t enjoy seeing wounds on that lovely face of yours.”

         “You’re sweet,” I grinned, “your wife and children are lucky. Haven’t seen them in a bit, say hello for me.”

         “I’m the lucky one, my dear,” Volstagg beamed there. “If ever you lose more battles to staffs, come find me, and I’ll take care of it.”

         “Certainly,” I chuckled to agree as he stood.

         “I owe it to you after you’ve watched my children on occasion. They can be a lot to handle.”

         “They’re just fine,” I insisted. “I’m just glad I can be of use to someone.” My joke caused him to pause once more, protective instincts kicking in again.

         “Do you find yourself thinking that you are not useful to others?”

         “Oh…that came out badly. Just my morbid humor.” I fiddled with my fingers in my lap before standing to get my bag on. Volstagg touched my shoulder, causing me to still and glance up at him.

         “Foremost, you are far from useless, if that is a thought you believe,” he caught my gaze, “moreover, I believe it is also true that you’ve plenty use to yourself first above all. Do not sell yourself so short. Beings like you, my dear, well I don’t think you know how important you are.” 

         The words tumbled so easily. With grace. I narrowed when the sweet syllables caught me before I pressed my lips together.

         “Thank you,” I whispered. I could say it a hundred times over. Volstagg really was a wonderful father and that always came through.

         “Take care of yourself, as I’ve said. I shall see you tomorrow.” The burly warrior turned but I spoke.

         “Volstagg?” He paused and was caught off-guard when I put my arms around his round frame. I needed that badly. Maybe I hadn’t realized how much. Something became clear.

         I could try to save myself. Sometimes you had to. Trying mattered.

         “Oh,” Volstagg chuckled before returning the embrace and I closed my eyes, pretending for a moment. Dreaming long and endless.

         “I mean it. Thank you,” I sniffled, pulling from the warmth. “I should let you go.”

         “Remember what I said.”

         “I will,” I cocked my chin up with pride, “I give you my word. Farewell for now.”

         “Till tomorrow.” Volstagg turned and I pulled myself together before heading to the palace alone.

** ** **

          Friends joked still. I had starry eyes. Twinkling and huge at the cosmos around me. Maybe I was waiting for my coming supernova. Lost in the depths of Asgard’s palace library, I found my special corner of the universe.

         Trailing along the third floor, I peered around a corner and saw him waiting there. Loki’s back which I was used to seeing. Lean and straight. He waved his hand, books stacked themselves on the table before he rolled out some parchment to read. 

         I’d returned my book as many healers came in and out of the massive space. Light pulsed from Loki’s shifting fingertips. Enthralled, I lingered to watch him study, sliding up on a counter. He seated himself to look over the old parchments in front of him as I tilted my head. 

         The rush of light pulled delicately up his arm. Caressing him. I thought to go without moving, far too fascinated to leave. Loki leaned back and twitched his wrist to make a tray with wine float over to him before he conjured two goblets.

         “You might as well come out, though I find the stray cat routine endearing.” 

         Whoops. I froze when Loki didn’t turn as the wine poured itself. 

         “I have some for you too, come over already. I could pour you milk instead, felines enjoy milk, right?” Loki’s head tilted in my direction. I rolled my eyes with a slight sound of irritation. Fingers curled around the shelf I was hiding behind.

         “I was just returning a book,” I piped up, cheeks heating.

         “You’ve been there at least ten minutes.”

         “You don’t know that.”

         “You wear a specific amber perfume with hints of citrus. Barely there jasmine lotion. And your hair smells like roses.” Loki turned to smile at me. “Even if you’re not wearing them all, I can still catch hints. Asgardians have that acute sense, but sorcerers train them that much more. Oh? Blushing again.”

         Lashes batting, I hid further from him and his amusement. His way of plucking my petals so sweetly. So obscenely.

         “It’s an open public part of the palace,” I defended, “I can sit here much longer.”

         “Well, come enjoy some wine, you'll like this bottle,” Loki grinned again at me with all the charm so I came over.

         “I did not mean to interrupt you.” Boots shuffled across the line of red carpeting.

         “Truth be told, I do not mind you for an audience. Others tend to cower or make their unnecessary comments,” the wine goblet slid toward me as he spoke, “what exactly are you doing?”

         “Nothing," I pouted before recalibrating. "Existing.”

         “Hm?” Loki’s eyebrow rose to tease the truth out when I took a long drink of wine. 

         “Watching,” I admitted, trying to sound as normal as possible.     

         “Watching what exactly, sweetheart?” The sly nickname flooded everything back all at once.

         “…You do magic…and don’t call me that just because we’re being friendly again,” I crossed my arms, half-joking. “It still infuriates me and I'm still gonna complain a couple more years at least.”

         “I owe you that much. Adorable. You always name the reasons I shall not stop,” he beamed brighter, drinking before he licked his lips. “Just why are you watching me practice?”

         “I like to,” my eyes searched for an explanation. “I like magic. It interests me. Not a crime.”

         “Go on.”

         “So I can boost your ego?” Hip cocked against the table, I swished my wine and sipped once more. Loki’s eyes slid up my body the same way magic shifted over his.

         “Let us just say that your interest piqued my interest.” A pale hand gestured with his goblet.

         “Well, I mean, I’ve always been fascinated by it and…you and Frigga are both wildly talented, I-...Don’t be smug,” I shot him a look when his lip twitched up, “anyways, I don’t know, I saw you and couldn’t help it. I don’t know much about magic beyond its basic use in our daily life and tech. For you, it’s something more. Not just an art or science or even a battle tool, you have a relationship with it. It’s your life and it makes you happy. That's a special thing, I think it’s beautiful.”

         Loki’s own breath caught. He blinked and seemed to study me again. Exhaling finally before he replied in a simple tone.

         “Curious little feline today, are we?”

         “Very funny. I’ve never done magic, so I imagine it’s not in the cards for me. Just basic interest in the great unknown of life. Classic me.” I shrugged as he stared at me for another long moment. Without leaving his eyes, I lifted to drink once more. The fire of the wine in my belly consumed me. He hummed a lower sound, contemplating it.

         “You never know until you try. I’m actually curious now as well,” Loki cocked his head before he stood. “Come here.” I straightened up, pausing. “I’ve a simple test. We’re going to try something.”

         “Really?” I let him take my wine away. “You’re serious? You’re often secretive about all this.”

         “Clever girl, I am indeed serious, now sit there,” he pointed to the cushioned area by the window. Nerves kicked up. Watching him, I did so, moving to sit with my legs crossed up on the seat.

         Without speaking, Loki moved behind me to sit and I realized I was now seated between his legs. He left one foot on the floor and the other leg pressed against mine. Got close.

         “What are you doing?” I stammered, shuddering to pieces when his chest pushed against my back. That scorching scent under his cologne invaded me again.

         “Sitting,” he went on, putting his hands on my shoulders. I prayed he couldn’t tell my pulse was speeding up. “Cup your hands in front of you.” Only able to nod, I did so with shaken fingers. “I would like to test your capacity for magic, we’ll simply see if you can hold an easy trick.”

         “Like a lesson?” I teased, quivering with his baritone in my ear.

         “No, merely a short test,” Loki mused. “You’ve made me wonder about it and now I have to see. It’ll bother me if I don’t.”

         “Right.” Breathless, I peered out the stained glass to see the sun shimmering there. Painting us in different colors. Moving forward, his cool hands cupped underneath mine and I was pretty sure he felt me shaking. 

         “Oh.” He shifted to sweep my hair over one shoulder before getting back into place with those lips near my ear. “Is the clever girl nervous now?”

         “No!” I persisted, “what…are we going to do?”

         “I am going to create a little spell of sorts and we shall see if you can hold it. It is simple, you’ll basically be holding a tuft of magic and there is no need for a spell tome. Just focus on what you are trying to achieve and the rest will follow.”

         “Loki…” Worry etched while his hands glowed. Green swept up through my digits, reflecting in my eyes. Fears melted and I was caught, lips parting. 

         “It is under control,” he replied carefully. A sensation engulfed my hands as he created what appeared to be a small green flame, flickering above our fingers. Hands tingled while I watched the spell sweep about, drawn into it. 

         “It’s warm,” I said. Bewitched to my soul utterly in one leap. “Cold, too. I don’t understand. It’s everything.”

         “Precisely. Will your mind to keep the energy from fading. You are in control. It is your magic. Concentrate and tap into your own power. Hold it. Trust it. Trust yourself. Just hold it, that's all you have to do. Hold it.” Furrowing my brow, I exhaled and did as he insisted, putting all my thought into carrying it for myself. “Everything you want. Everything you need. Focus it on one task. And you shall have it all.”

         Keep it together. Breathe. I closed my eyes then opened them; licking my lips, I felt something flow down my arms. When Loki’s hands shifted away, I tensed.

         “Wait,” I squeaked and he chuckled softly in my ear.

         “Just concentrate. You don't need me for this. Can you feel the power in your hands? Flowing steady. It wants to help you so let it be so.”

         “Yes.” I exhaled. Chest sinking with the glow on my expression. I couldn’t feel the sun, I could only feel this. Him. Whatever it was. Whatever it meant. Need. Desire. Power. For a moment, I didn’t want to feel anything else. My voice tremored, eyes widening. “I feel it everywhere.”

         “Relax now and will it to do as you wish.” He lowered his hands to his knees again. I sat mesmerized by the green light as it flickered but didn’t dissipate. My fingertips tingled and I felt it building higher, the entire sensation flowing out from my spine and washing over my body. Like I was slipping to endless pools. Floating.

         “Am I…?”

         “You are.” Loki touched my shoulders. “See. Any being here can create some form of magic, the smaller tricks are never truly difficult. But, some of us with the right spirit. We're naturals. It draws us together.”

         Dazed, my hands circled the little flame. Somehow comforted by it, peace washing. Safe and delicate. 

         “Sorcery takes the entire body and mind, your whole being must be locked into it. You should feel it,” Loki ran his hands down my neck and spine before I inhaled sharper, “all through here,” one broad palm touched my leg idly while the other slid just under my collar where my heart was, “you should feel it here, radiating.” 

         Gods, I did. 

         He held me for a moment. I wanted to close my eyes and lean more into him, but didn’t. It was just too good. Focus. As his hands touched me, I let out a shaken breath when his head nudged into mine. Lips murmuring, we both basked in the triumphant glow.

         “I feel it too." He said. Loki felt me glow into him and I offered that back. An equal exchange. Just one moment where we connected in perfect sync. "Congratulations, apparently you can use magic. More so than the others. I am rather impressed.”

         “I…wow…it’s me.” I watched the flame dance and Loki’s hands slid down my arms again, back into place.

         “What are you feeling now?” He asked and I blinked, still sinking. “Can’t read your mind, try as I might.”

         “It’s comforting,” I mused softer. His hands cupped mine before he carefully closed them, the flame extinguishing with ease between our fingers. We stayed there a moment, frozen with his palms engulfing my fists. Thumbs shifting. “When…When you used magic for the first time, did you believe that it was for you?”

         “Yes, it always had a way of bringing me to realizations when I was lost.” Loki didn’t move when I turned my head to gaze at him. Faces inches apart.

         “I really enjoy it. It’s just everywhere. I felt all of it,” my lashes batted, “but there’s nothing ordinary about it. Nothing commonplace. It’s like I could feel it every morning and it’d still take my breath away.”

         “I am glad that you appreciate it.” His eyes flickered over my expression. A more desperate exhale puffed mint. “And that you can see it that way. Few try. The emotions of magic are difficult to portray. You just have to feel it. Hold them like they're your own. The rest follows. There's nothing better. Nothing that compares.”

         Something glazed his expression. Made me want to give so much more. We kept scanning each other. 

         “Loki?" I shifted into him with my big eyes and their falling stars. Inching ever so closer. Feel me.

         “Hm?” He muttered more distractedly, blinking to see my gaze again, and I summoned the courage.

         “Would…Would you consider teaching me?” I watched him sit back, bright eyes going a little wide in surprise before he replied.

         “I...” Loki thought for another moment while he studied at me. Dark lashes fluttered. "No, I cannot do that."

         Steadying, he drew close again so I stayed still like marble. Wanting this. Whatever that meant. Dark eyes burned into his depths until he leaned closer and searched. Our lips were so close, I could have leaned in easily to capture his and for a moment I wondered if he was thinking the same thing. If he wanted to feel me just as much. If he felt this. If he saw something more inside my expression.

         Loki appeared to come back to himself before he shook his head. 

         “No, I cannot.” Loki shifted away lightning fast. "Forgive me." I moved when he stood up and went back to the table. 

         Our moment ended so swift and violent. That bold girl I so tried to be sunk with it.

         “Why?” I followed in an instant. “I think I might have something here. I’ve never felt like this. It’s just right.”

         “You are simply enamored by it, but that will fade. This isn't just a skill to be captured for an Asgardian's collection. This isn't a fleeting prayer. This is...” There was a moment when he looked at me across the way. Neither of us were just referring to the magic anymore. Prince Loki. Too afraid to open his heart. “You don’t realize what you’re asking of me.”

         Loki turned aside and I moved to match him. Pleading.

         “What if it doesn’t fade?” I got in front, forcing him to gaze at me. “What if I do go on feeling like this with no end ahead? No way to capture it again. I know exactly what I want for the first time in my life. Don't you see that? Have you ever wanted something to the core and had it dangled before you? You'd do anything for it.”

         Something panged in Loki's face before he composed himself.

         “You won’t, sweetheart. These things pass like moons phasing and that's fine. That's life.” He said that kindly. Understanding.  

         “I’m serious, why don’t you see that, Loki?” I begged, gathering all my nerve. “You know me. You know how hard I would work.”

         “It’s not that." He soothed. "It's not you at all. If it’s your wish to dabble in the art, there are others who-”

         “Let me prove that I want this.” My hands lifted toward him, voice thickening. “Loki, please, just…think about it. All my life, I've tried to do better and it was never good enough for anyone. But this, this could be for me. Just for me. What you felt, I understand it. Magic could be for me, too. I see it clear and I want you to show me how. You.”

         Loki sighed my name, still searching me.

         “No, it has to be you.” My tone lowered, barely a whisper. Unable to portray how deep and profoundly I felt. “I want this.”

         “Alright. I need time to think on it. This will take preparation. If it does happen, it will not be in the near future but I will consider it. You have my word.” Loki paused, still trying to fathom my request. “Do not dwell on it. And I'd have to get permission. You're the king's warrior first, I cannot pull you from the ranks this way.”

         Relief overcame me.

         “I don’t know if I’ll be able to help it. I just felt something piece together. I think I’ve been waiting for that.” I watched his lip curl up and approached. “I don’t think it will fade either. You offered to wait for me, I'll wait for you, too.”

         “We shall see.” Loki’s amusement caught when I touched his hand. Too brief for either of us to process that same magnificent thrill magic brought.

         “I won’t take for granted what you shared with me,” I stepped aside to go, “whether I see it again or not. Although, I hope you do share it because what you put into our world is important. Beautiful as well.”

         Loki spoke my name once more as I went, causing me to peer back. All starry eyes.

         “Thank you,” he straightened with grace, arms folding behind his back. Prince of Asgard. Always. “For your perspective, I mean.”

         A saccharine smile only reserved for him crossed before my curls flicked and I was gone.

** ** **

         That same opulent certainty followed me in my walk home. Something great to chase. I practically skipped. 

         “Fandral!” I called, knocking on his door an hour later. I made my choice. He appeared in one swift motion. “Are you alone?”

         “Yes, are you-?”

         “Good, come with me,” I grabbed his wrist and pulled him along, barely giving him time to shut the door.

         “Where are you taking me? The last time a maiden did this, it ended badly when her upset father got involved.”

         “Just follow me,” I giggled as I went, “I have to do this before I lose my nerve.”

         “Sweet lady, be gentle with me,” Fandral laughed while I tugged him through town. We neared the water and I pulled him toward the vacant bridge at the end as a river rushed under it. “What are we doing here?”

         “I…” Slowly, I pulled a box from my cloak. The one I'd kept under my floorboards for too many years. “I thought that maybe I could…” 

         Fandral looked at me, understanding before he covered my hands with his.

         “I am truly proud of you.”

         “I’m going to try stopping. For good. Nothing truly ends. But, perhaps not having my security blanket will lessen the attachment, if only a little.”

         “You are doing the right thing,” Fandral watched me turn and look over the edge.

         Breathing softer, I stood there a minute, before purposefully holding the box over the water below. My heart gave this tug. That girl who was messy and who tried so hard. She was all I needed. Every feeling from earlier soared. This was for me. Only for me. And that was a wonderful thing. 

         I stayed there another long moment, frozen.

         “I never thought I would end up here. I guess you can say that I’m turning over a new leaf and allowing myself to become the person I want to be. Legacy aside. Everything aside. Just me. Deciding what is truly important. I suppose it all starts now.” 

         Furrowing my brow, I stood there for another minute, the wind flowing through my hair. My hands shook but I summoned the nerve and finally let go. A splash followed and I closed my eyes when my vision blurred. Fandral touched my shoulder, offering me some comfort. 

         “What do I do for now?”

         “Enjoy it?” He stated after a beat of silence and I smiled slightly to agreed.

         Dark eyes lifted to the horizon dotted in magical stars. Twinkling kindly for me. Waiting.

         “Might be a great start.”

Chapter Text

           “How much longer?”

           “Two hours,” my stomach shuddered uneasily before I sighed, eyes out the window above the sink. My mother touched my back and beamed for me. Arranging my curls like they were flowers in a pot. 

           “Nervous?”

           “No,” I shrugged and forced a chuckle before I added, “a little.”

           “My little girl, growing up so fast.”

           “I don’t even know if I’ll be added.”

           “Nonsense, Asgard needs all the warriors they can gather and you’ve been training well for months.” She coaxed. “Years even. Prince Thor himself gave your name personally. That's a great honor in itself. It’s your time.”

           “I might be gone a few weeks if I go. They say those marauders have high numbers. Heimdall reported yesterday that they refused the diplomat groups we sent to smooth things over. They’re growing closer to the mountains. Threatening the villages nearby. The provinces there sent couriers requesting our aid to let us enter.”

           “They won’t get far when the King sends our warriors.” My mother picked up a few dishes from the table and returned to my side. We watched the thick snowfall outside.

           “Do you miss it?” I asked quieter and she shrugged.

           “No, I enjoy what I do now. I just want to see you get out there,” she kissed my cheek and I shifted away from her after a moment. Lips pressing with force.

           My father stepped out into the main room when I resumed packing my things. A twitch throbbed up my spine on instinct so I went straight.

           “I should go soon and prepare,” I spoke in a hurry.

           “Who have they paired you with?” My father drew toward me, unworried.

           “I don’t know, they’re pairing us all at random to assess us.” My eyes were anywhere else.

           “We’ll know when we arrive,” he touched my back to smooth up and down it. A smile played on his lips.

           I went rigid. Tried to recover.

           “We?” I tried not to frown. “Oh. I thought…you couldn’t come.”

           “I wanted to surprise you,” he squeezed my shoulder and pressed his lips to my head, lingering against me for longer than I liked. It was no wonder he was in a good mood. Ready to catch me off guard like a stray mouse.

           My blood ran cold before he picked up a heavy axe and pressed it into my hands. Weights wrapped around my heart to pull me down.

           “I wish to see the progress my little girl has made with my old weapon. You have been practicing with it, haven’t you?” His grin blazed. Cut me deep.

           “Yes.” I lied, hitching a nervous chuckle. “Every single day.” 

           The weapon felt heavier in my hands than it ever had. My father was rubbing my back and his touch burned into the marrow of my bones. One arm brought me in, ready to squeeze my life away. I just stood there numbly.

           “You will carry the axe that was mine and carry my name with you.” He took my shoulders to make me face him. “You’ll make me proud.” 

           As if I had a choice in that. I stared at his chest until his fingers touched under the axe’s gleaming blade to bring it under my chin and lift my gaze to meet his face.

           “All I want is to make you proud, father.” 

           My fists paled around the axe’s long handle. He kept rubbing my shoulder and touching my hair, spiking my nerves up. Father leaned in to kiss the corner of my lips before I turned hastily to finish with my things. Burning utterly with disgust and fear stinking my nose.

           “We don’t want her to be late,” my mother piped up before father could speak. She’d twisted a dishrag tightly into her paled hands. Like she might be snapping a chicken’s neck.

           “I should go warm up and meet the others.” I swallowed and slung a long bag over my shoulder.

           “Yes, of course.” Father smiled and touched my jaw when I turned to look back at him. “Prince Thor will be there with our King. Ensure you look nice.” 

           His fingers slipped down to tug the collar of my tunic into place and effectively opened the top two ties. Exposing me. Eyes lifted elsewhere. I pulled from him and hummed in response as I passed my mother to jet out the door. Bag and axe strapped to my back.

           With haste, I ruefully tied my shirt once more and hurried on the path toward palace grounds. Snow crunched under my boots. After hopping onto the back of a free carriage with a few other warriors, I peeked inside my bag at the hidden light sword I’d been practicing with and blinked back tears. My cloak provided little comfort to me from this cold.

           The damn axe was laughing at me.

** ** *

           Under the falling snow, I spent time stretching and trying quicker to get to know this cursed weapon again. Damn thing. Heavy and awkward in my shaken hands. I had to figure a way to use its weight to my advantage or I was going to fail. 

           Failure would embarrass me before the royals and council. Embarrass my family and village. Too much was riding on me here.

           Behind me, other warriors prepared before King Odin. A few elders from the high council and high ranking generals came out to greet them individually. Fandral appeared and a bit of relief filled me at the sight of a familiar face. He noticed the axe immediately.

           “What are you playing at?” He asked before I could get words out.

           “We have a problem,” I hissed and he came closer. “My father is coming.”

           “You assured me-”

           “I know. I didn’t think he would.” I tried not to panic. “I’ve been dragging this glorified paperweight of a weapon to training every day, only to practice with the lighter sword you all gifted to me on my Name Day and I thought-”

           “No, I did not think he’d come either,” Fandral touched his head. “How well are you with this?”

           “I know the basics but Fandral, I’ve been training with a sword… I’m just more comfortable with it now. Dearest father presented me with his starter sword ages ago and then you all gave me that amazing blade but then he gave me…this monster.”

           “Then use it.”

            Oh, Fandral. He said those words with such ease, the dark secret in my heart about lunged forward with me barely able to stop it.

           “I can’t, he’ll know. He’ll be furious with me no matter what I do.” I muttered instead, heating up and he sighed. Two hands came to my shoulders.

           “It’ll be fine. Thor put your name in himself. He’s never bid a warrior before until Odin allowed him this year and he chose you with no hesitation.” Fandral tried to help but my stomach sunk further. “We all believe in you. We’re all betting on you. You’ll join the ranks.”

           “Then I will let Thor down too. How is this okay?” I watched Fandral straighten up and look behind me before I turned to see the King approach. Swift as can be, I bowed low and tried to remain composed; an exhale put my face in a neutral expression. 

           One fist came to my heart in the warrior’s gesture of respect.

           “You may rise.” The King's smile drew soft. A ceremonial garb in gold cooled by the grey light of day glittered at me. “I must say, I am glad to finally see you here. It’s long overdue. Thor spoke highly from your training sessions.”

           “Thank you, your majesty. That’s too kind of you.” I rose for him. Elder Calder took a thin, glass pad out and scrolled to my holographic file before he read my name and house. Opulent robes adorning his frame. Odin's eye shifted between us.

           “Your mother and father have both retired from the warrior life, yes? Leaving you to protect their legacy.” Calder asked with sharp eyes and I nodded again, voice puffing against the colder air around me.

           “Yes, my lord.” My eyes darted around the group before I sealed my fate. “I’m wielding this axe today in my father’s name.”

           “Don’t be so nervous, my dear,” Calder stepped forward. “No formalities, we’re not focused on who wins or loses. This is a basic assessment of your skills. I’m certain all here will make fine additions to our ranks. I’m sure you’ve the right spirit.” 

           The old man chuckled before he looked at his group and reached to take one of my long curls between his fingers. 

           “Just look at this lovely hair.” He said with no boundaries and I only beamed. Strangers loved to touch my hair. I wish they asked first. “I’ll bet it shines blood red in the light.”

           “Some would also say fire,” I managed to joke and earned some smiles and nods. Calder let my hair slip through his fingers like slow spilling water and stared for a lingering moment before he turned. Unsettling for a gentle old timer.

           “Now as for today, we’ll call names in groups of four to six just to give some fair warning about who will be next. Wait in the areas below the seats until you and your partner are called again onto the field. Yes?”

           “Yes,” I replied. “Thank you, my lords. My King.” I bowed again and Odin wished me well before leading his group off.

           “You got the Elders to crack a few smiles, which was promising. Calder likes you.”

           “He’s not even head of them. But, he is the kindest.” I shrugged at Fandral and he beamed against falling snow. “But, I have to say, why is it everyone wants to touch my hair?”

           “Because they find it…here it comes…your favorite word.”

           “Don’t you say it,” I tried not to smile. “I’m going to punch you.”

           “Exotic-ow!” Fandral rubbed his arm after I’d smacked it hard. “It’s terrible, I know. You're a curvy lady with big curls and a bigger heart, they all want a piece.”

           “If I knew how to use this axe, I’d plunge it into your belly.” I threatened and he snickered before he tried to lift my spirits.

           “You’ll be fine. You adapt well to your surroundings and that will impress them. I’ll be up in the stands with the others and we’ll be rooting for you. Come next week, I expect you to be on the barge out of here with us.”

           “Easy for you to say, you all have been in the ranks for years it seems.” I grinned and he followed with a charming smile before he kissed my cheek.

           “For luck.” Fandral left me to prepare and warm up as best I could before names began to be called. I sat down for a moment and fell into my silent thoughts as I traced the sigil of my father’s house etched into the side of the battle-axe. 

           When it didn’t burn itself into my flesh, I found my next breath. I could see his eyes staring up at me from the shining metal and turned my head away before I stood when my name was called. I joined my group under the coliseum where cheers echoed above as one warrior swiftly took down another. 

           Vibrations shook the ground. The warriors with me didn’t speak before I was called again up into the open. I stepped into the light while some attendants prepared the area for my spar. Briefly, I was blinded by it. Asgard's gleam. Exposing.

           Just breathe.

           My partner stood with a double-edged, heavy spear and a slight smile through the dark stubble growing on his face. Initially, I figured him for a lighter warrior but he was muscled and that spear wasn’t light at all upon closer inspection. Shorter than others like it with wide blades and his fingers gripped to special handles on it.

           “Good luck,” I offered quietly as we shook hands. He stood much larger than I with dark brown hair and a rugged appearance.

           “You as well,” he agreed and we got into place. 

           King Odin began speaking to lay out the rules but my eyes drew to my friends seated in his vicinity. Sif turned to whisper at Fandral when they spotted my weapon before he shrugged and Thor commented on something to Loki next to him. All eyes on me. 

            Perfect. 

           They all knew why I looked so nervous now. Loki stared at my face and nodded as if to reassure me, lip quirking. He gave this breath I thought was a signal so I followed with my own slow puff. Settling.

           When I pressed my lips, my eyes flickered down and away from them before I shifted my stance and bowed with my partner. Across from him, far in the back, the face of my father stared holes into me. I felt my body shrink down three sizes and shrivel up at that.

            Make him proud. Or suffer consequences.

           “On three!” A bellow cast. “Two. One!” 

           In one fluid motion, my partner and I leapt, rounding each other with sudden vigor. His spear swung and plunged forward before I smacked it aside with the blunt edge of my weapon. The added weight caused me to stumble so I dashed that way to avoid another hit. The spear was swinging in perfect circles as he drew closer again and I backed up.

           This was not good.

           Thrusting forward, I swung and forced him to jump backward before we clashed together. Both my hands brought the handle out to absorb the harsh blow. We danced around each other like this until I took an opportunity to swing forward. 

           Come on!  

           He dodged and sent a hard kick into my long handle; the blade of my axe wedged suddenly between two stones. A loud clang rang over the audience’s calls.

           Oh.

           I pulled hard and it didn’t budge.

           Oh no.

           His spear swept down, forcing me away from my weapon. The audience whispered and gasped around me. Oh, hell. Without the weight of the axe, I could freely move around him and landed a hard kick to his stomach when it was open. As he stumbled back, I grabbed onto the handle of my axe once more and tried to use my weight to pry it loose.

           They will all laugh at me.  

           Straining with a growl, I kicked and hung there, swinging my legs. A few people chuckled then amid the cheers. Fire prickled up my spine. The axe didn’t even quiver and my partner lunged toward me so I held to the handle and brought my legs up, another kick sent him on his ass. 

           “Come on…” I gave a grunt with bared teeth. Had to adapt. My opponent jumped back up so I swiftly got atop the handle and balanced on it before he plunged the blade forward toward my legs. Snow swept. I jumped to twist clear over him and got low to kick his legs out. 

           The people cheered for me. He fell in a heap and I moved but paused instantly when I saw my father, standing and shaking his head at me before he walked out. Something paralyzed and my partner sent me to the floor with his foot. Got his body atop mine to pin me down. Sound cut in and out.

           “Ah!” My legs curled up and charged into his stomach, effectively throwing him over my body before I sprang up and shook the snow from my bloody spiraling locks. He got up after a small groan and we rounded each other, the audience going ignored. Intensity on my face.

           My partner puffed a soft word against the snow and I had to read his lips to hear it properly. Nice.

           He nodded once and I smirked some before nodding in return. Feet planted. One motion and he lunged forward again. I did this time as well and dodged under his arm to rip once more at my axe, kicking off from the wall now. 

           This time, it pulled free in time to swing into his spear. Metal clashed. The vibrations shook up my bones before I spun around with the heavyweight and we collided again, forcing him to back up. The third time, I instead dodged his blow and hooked the blunt curve of my weapon around his ankle to trip him. With a thud, he moved to get up but my blade found his throat.

           It was over.

           Breathing heavily, we stared at each other as people clapped and I held my arm out. His eyes narrowed while they looked into mine and I wondered what had gone through his head. I could not tell if his face read as upset or not. But, he grinned and took my offered hand to get up.

           “Not bad,” he’d said over the cheers and my nerves ticked.

           “Yes, you as well,” I paused. An Elder came toward us. “I never got your name, by the way.”

           “Oh?” He nodded and introduced himself. “Name’s Herlof. I’ve seen you around.”

           “Yes, nice to meet you.” I watched Elder Salma glance down at her pad.

           “It is decided that you both have demonstrated enough skill to join the ranks of warriors leaving. Collect a scroll from our royal courier on your way out for further instructions. Well done, both of you.”

           “Thank you, my lady,” I bowed and hurried off the field before my friends could leave fast enough. After being granted my scroll, I tried to feel relief and only chilled with fear at the path ahead of me. Steps walked along the side of the building and another fight began but a group caught up to me. Two arms heaved me from the frozen grass so I about groaned.

           “Hello, Thor...” I huffed and he held me up like I weighed nothing, almost on his shoulder. When we spun, I began to laugh. “Thor!”

           “You win and get granted a place next to us and that’s all you say?” Thor set me down, fist bumping into my shoulder. “You were wonderful. I told you so.”

           “That was so embarrassing. My weapon was stuck in the wall for most of my battle.” I countered and earned a few snickers. Quick fingers put my curls back into place. 

           “Yes, but the point was to demonstrate yourself, whether everything goes right or wrong. You did that. With and without a…ah…whatever that monstrosity is.” Loki gestured to the beastly axe in my hand as I picked up my bag and stuffed my scroll into it.

           “It’s called an axe, Prince Loki, I’m certain that even you could swing one if you tried,” Fandral joked lightly.

           “Dearest Fandral, I could swing you over the palace with more ease,” Loki replied in a smooth tone.

           “I’ve learned the hard way not to make jabs at my brother during the winter,” Thor nudged Fandral’s side, "the pranks intensify."

           “Your parents will be proud of you,” Volstagg added with Hogun nodding at his side.

           “You’ll join us next week, finally we all can go together.”

           “Er, yeah, I suppose.” I just smiled. "Exciting."

           “She’s in shock. Give her some air, you lot,” Sif came to my side. “Pack warm.” She caught my face and shifting steps before pausing. “Are you well?”

           “Yes,” I shook my daze. “You were right. I am shocked. That battle didn’t happen as I pictured it. I suppose they never do.” I laughed finally while all my friends looked at me with matching expressions of contentment. My shoulders fell.

           “Come celebrate with us tonight. The usual pub.” Thor spoke up for them all and I beamed.

           “Yes, I’ll try to make it. I have some things to take care of at home first.” It was odd. The repeating realization that my closest friends were some of the best warriors in Asgard, The fact that they still wanted me around. Even as I stumbled to keep up.

           I wondered often if they were humoring me. Or perhaps they pitied me at times. 

           My skills weren’t good enough for this lot. We could share drinks, but battle lines? Could it be so?

           But, they kept inviting me and I could not, for the life of me, understand it.

           So, I puffed and shared goodbyes before they went back to watch the rest of the spars while I caught another carriage home.

           Just breathe.

** ** **

           “It isn’t possible to love her,” he’d said. No pride or adoration.

           No. I suppose not.

           “She’s awkward, defiant, got her damn mind in the clouds. She’ll make no impression on men or warriors, alike. They make comments about her body. And that display today. I often wonder if we should remove her from the warriors now and set her up elsewhere.” Father lamented, jaws snapping like a mad dog.

           Next to the open kitchen window, I felt my heart shudder and waited for my rib cage to squeeze my organs together. When it didn’t, I frowned and covered my lips with my hand. Father’s voice coiled around every crevice of my brain. No stopping him. He'd infected me with a sickness. A legacy. 

           “I made attempts with her. Good for nothing, little girl.”

           “She’s a talented warrior. Give her time,” My mother tried. “She’s my daughter and better than this life. You’re drunk.” Something crashed against the floor and I jolted, racing around the house toward the front door.

           “They let me in,” I managed out in one breath before holding the scroll to my father. 

           I was not proud, I was terrified. The scroll shook and the distraction worked. He looked awed. Behind him, my mother picked up the remains of a broken bowl.

           “That’s wonderful,” she pushed past him to hug me and he took the paper from my hand. I hugged my mother tightly and watched his face flicker with anger before he exhaled and smiled.

            Check. I thought. Your move.

           “Yes. It is.” He chimed in. Check.

           “I was invited to celebrate with the warriors tonight.” I went on and my father shook his head.

           “We have a few things to discuss-”

           “Thor invited me himself.” I corrected and that shut him up. For now.

           “You will go then.” My mother stated all too quick as she left me. “Look nice for him.” I lifted the axe toward my father and before he could grab it, I let it slip from my fingers early. He barely caught it and glanced up at me with an expression I knew well.

           I’d pay for that later.

            Checkmate, father.

            He’d reset the board so we could begin again.

           What’s worse is that I was not the opponent on the other side of the board with my father. He controlled this game. Only sometimes, was it my mother on the other end. They played games with me endlessly until I dwindled away. I was the Queen they were willing to sacrifice, the King they both wanted to ensnare, and the pawn sent out into the cold to do their bidding.

           “I should prepare. I want to look nice for all my friends. Celebrate a win.”

           “Here,” my mother came to me, “I have some spare coins for you.”

           “Volstagg pays me to watch his children and there will be more after battles, I’m fine,” I tried but she insisted.

           “No, take it. We’ll save up to help you buy a few more necessities before you go. You’ll pay me back later, dear.” She always stated this after slipping me money. I’d pay her back later by marrying well is what she meant. By finding eternal glory along battle. Perishing with a worthy carcass.

           “Thank you,” I replied in a quiet tone. I spared my father another glance and went into my room. 

           After deciding on a decent bag to bring, I made a list of things I’d need to pack for next week. My first battle off grounds and it was winter. Damn it. I’d need to buy suitable boots and a better cloak. One with expensive fur. But I likely had the coin for one of those things. More anxiety curled up my stomach.

           I avoided taking from the stash of money I had hidden within my room with the hopes that it would one day take me from this place. Somehow my need to escape was overshadowing my need to actually take care of myself beforehand. I washed up for an hour and changed into a simple red tunic I liked with comfortable, velvety grey bottoms. 

           A knock brought me from my thoughts before the door opened without my response.

           “What the hell was that out there today?”

           “I was nervous,” I stared at my father in the reflection of my mirror before I closed my wardrobe and faced him.

           “How could I…get stuck with a child like you?” He asked that as if it were a thoughtful question. “By the gods, you’re just like me when I was young. Disobedient. Lost. But, you don't want to push past it. Become something more. You will take my axe into battle. You will wield it proudly in my name. I’m tired of your disgraceful actions making our family look cheap. Do you want us to look like fools before his majesty?”

           I just stood there.

           I let him belittle me.

           I let him try to guilt me.

           I let him win.

           I wasn’t here. Oh no, not here. I was standing with the King. Asgard was applauding for me. Bowing. I was a hero. Odin would kiss my hand and look at me like a father would a daughter. Frigga would caress my head. Warmth would radiate.

           Thor and Loki are there too. All my friends. We’re at a ball to celebrate a great victory. Men offer me silken handkerchiefs as favors and women smile and tell me I’ve inspired them. I'm wide awake. Bright with life.

           I’m brave and beautiful in a dress like an iridescent sunset. Metallic gold glitter rains. A gleaming tiara with one glowing orange jewel is lowered over my hair before…

           “Are you even paying attention?!” He shot and I stood at attention.

           “Yes.” The fantasy died within my heart and ashes filled my lungs. That fade of the glitzy jewel withered with it all. Sinking to disperse. Washed away by rain and blood. “I’m sorry, I was just nervous.”

           “Don’t let that happen again.” He stood and looked me up and down. “And for the gods’ sake, put a damn corset around your waist if you’re going out like that. You won’t impress any man in such loose clothing.” Father smacked my door shut and I didn’t let myself cry. Just swallowed this all down. Hollowed myself out to make room for it all.

           Sucking in some air, I put a belt around my waist that flattered my curves and snuck out when they were both in the kitchen. I felt numbed. Desensitized to my own body and the world around me. Cold air slipped inside my cloak and chilled my bones. Not caring about the frost, I walked to the pub, boots crunching into the snow. I counted each step to focus myself until a voice spoke over the many in my head.

           “You’re early.” Loki’s green eyes peered into mine. The sun had just begun to go down, painting the sky in different warm and cold hues. His face lined soft. Firelight lamps flicked to dance around us. 

           “You as well,” I crossed my arms to bring my cloak closer as if to cover everything ugly both outside and inside my body. “No surprise.”

           “No, I suppose not,” He stepped toward me. “I like to enjoy my first drink without Thor’s loud nonsense. Care to join me?”

           “Yes,” I nodded and followed after him as he held the door open.

           “Come, the best booth is open,” Loki gestured, his other hand grazed my arm like he wanted me here and led me toward the corner. The barkeep flocked to him immediately after we sat down. My eyes drew to a candle flickering in the window. I wanted to take the flame within my hands and hold it.

           “The usual, my prince?”

           “Yes.” Loki nodded so the man veered to me.

           “And for your lady friend?”

           “Oh? Um,” I swallowed and turned to Loki before I twitched. “You choose. No alcohol.” Loki took the challenge and glanced over the menu for all of one second.

           “Right. That gourmet chocolate. Hot. With cream on top and a touch of cinnamon.”

           “I’ll be back with those.” The barkeep left and Loki quirked up his brow.

           “Well, do I know you well enough? You don’t seem like a vanilla.” His eyes glinted as he cocked his head. Nor, you.

           “I’m impressed actually and I enjoy vanilla on occasion. The spice was a nice touch.” I shrugged off my cloak and received a small comment.

           “You look quite lovely.” Before he added a joke to lighten it. “Not vanilla.”

           “Thank you.” Fingers running across the tunic's trim, I felt myself heat and distractedly turned to find my coin pouch when the barkeep returned.

           “No, this is on me.” Loki slipped him the coins and the man set our drinks down before going again.

           “No, I can’t let you-”

           “Too late. Relax and enjoy yourself while you still can.” Loki waved it off before sipping a goblet of what I knew was expensive dark wine. The color tinted his lips before he licked them briefly. 

           “I wanted to apologize earlier. After the spar, I was acting weird. Just, ah, distracted and surprised, I suppose.”

           “We all were.” Loki quickly explained. “Not about you being accepted. We knew you would be. Simply…that axe. I’ve noticed you dragging it to training and not using it…only to use it when you-”

           “Yes…I…” I tried so hard to find the words. “Have you ever wanted to impress your father so much, you’d do something out of character just to do so?” 

           This drew Loki’s eyes back to mine in what was an expression I knew somehow. In-between understanding and melancholy.

           “Enjoy that drink while it’s warm,” he lowered his eyes instead and I savored the sweet taste. Chatter picked up more behind us. Warriors filtering in and out. 

           “I could drink this all day honestly. Thank you,” I said which earned a quirk of his lip.

           “Do not mention it.” Loki stared at me before he exhaled. “I am proud of you.”

           “Hm?” I snapped up from my mug and he shifted, fingers clasping gracefully on the table. The words I longed for had spilled from his lips and I wished I could use the syllables to clear the ashes from my body. Purge it all to be something new and genuine.

           “I’m glad you’ll be joining us is what I mean. It is long overdue.”

           “Think so?”

           “I know everything. I know so.” He corrected in jest and I smiled fully at that.

           “You should also know that my interest in learning magic under you has not faded one bit.”

           “This again?”

           “Prepare for more, Odinson,” I challenged and Loki chuckled, merely shaking his head.

           “Actually the way you moved today, without your weapon was somewhat of a sorcerer.”

           “Really?” I leaned in until he smirked at me.

           “Easy now, I’m just saying that your balance was rather impressive.”

           “For a girl my size?” I tilted my head, arms crossing under my breasts as I leaned in. Loki’s eyes shifted down and up quicker. Had he just checked me out?

           “For anyone, your size is fine regardless.”

           “I’ll drink to that,” I sighed, contented here. Loki reached out with his cup and I beamed before clanking mine against his. 

           “Let me toast to you, my friend. Finally to join the ranks at my side.”

           “Your side?”

           “Well, all our sides,” a thin brow lifted and we both took a drink.

           “Can I ask you something?” I tapped idle fingers against the warm mug and shifted my hands into my lap.

           “Anything.” Our eyes locked to explore. My lips parted.

            Hold me? Just for a little while so I can heal myself.

           “Do you think that being a warrior is for me?”

           “This is Asgard, there isn’t much else to do.” He shrugged.

           “Half true, there’s a lot if you squint. But, I’m…serious. It has crossed my mind a lot. My specialty. My purpose. Feels like I’m the only one without one.”

           “You’re a fine, loyal warrior,” Loki added then and I shook my head.

           “Kind of you. Yet, that isn’t the question. You can be honest, Loki.”

           “Look, I realize this impending battle might frighten you as it did all of us once. But, perhaps ask yourself if being a warrior, with the ability to protect Asgard by force makes you happy.”

           “Well, I’m always happy to protect Asgard,” I said, chest falling. “Happy that I’ll be able to protect these realms and travel them. I’ve never seen outside our world.”

           “True and there are many ways to do that. Perhaps a better question is, do you feel most yourself when you’re a warrior of Asgard?”

           “That is a better question so of course, I cannot answer it,” I sighed.

           “Give it time,” Loki slid his hand closer until it covered one of mine. The pale skin cooler against my own tonight and I swallowed. Deft, I let my digits curl around his. “You’re clever and rather capable. Don’t worry about purpose, worry about your desires.”

           “I’ll need all the time in the world, I’m sure.”

           “You shall have it,” Loki promised and I pressed my lips.

           These needs swept my heart. Clawed into my utterly. Be original. Be inimitable. I was willing to wait for it. Climb this uphill battle. Protect my own legacy. Find my place in all this. Survive just to piece it together. Purpose. Reason for being. Even in shreds, I'd keep fighting for it.

           "If I learn magic, will my nails change like yours?" I held his graceful hand in mine to study the black nails. One finger ran the length and I felt his breath cease.

           "Only if you give your soul to it. Only if you unfurl completely before it." Loki mused. "The mark of a true sorcerer and the small price you pay."

           "Your soul. Small." I hummed there, still smoothing my fingers over his. "Frigga's are a rosy sort of gold color. Barely there. I like your hands." That slipped out.

           "Most find it strange. Corrupting." His voice picked up and my eyes lifted again.

           "Unique is the better world. I think I could do it, you know, give myself over if it's right. Heart and soul, opened up. Totally. Might be a terrifying and beautiful thing to behold. It doesn't mean you're corrupted. Maybe you just know exactly who you are. Exactly who you should be."

           There was a beat as we stared when our hands quickly pulled away from each other like the sun had come up to interrupt this peaceful cover of night.

           “I think I’m just going to go with it for now. I do enjoy being a warrior. I like feeling strong in my body.” On my own terms.

           “You’re not terrible at it. That move today when you balanced atop that axe handle while it was stuck in the wall and jumped over your opponent. Impressive.”

           “I know,” I beamed and grew excited. “I don’t know what came over me and…and I didn’t know what to do so I let go. I was just so charged and…” I shrugged and shook my head, glancing up to see Loki’s smile once more. “It was nice.”

           “It was more than nice.” He laughed quietly at that before glancing up. “Oh. This was grand while it lasted.” 

           A buff body plopped down next to me as I turned and Thor’s luminous expression came into view.

           “You look more dashing than Fandral.” He piped up and Loki sat back across from me. “What are you drinking? It smells good.”

           “From Loki. Try it.” I slid my mug over and he took a sip before giving my arm a pat.

           “Delicious. But, I’m in need of a real man's drink.” Thor stood and waved. “Barkeep. I’ll have when she’s having. Double chocolate.” I snickered at that before Thor winked at me and moved to get his mug.

           “Double chocolate, Loki. Hear that? You may have to carry him back to the palace.”

           “I’d sell Thor to Hel for a new pair of shoes,” he retorted, rousing an unexpected laugh from my lips that was followed by a snort. Embarrassed, I slapped my hands over my mouth and nose, meeting Loki’s amused expression.

           “Not a word,” I pointed so he shrugged, smug.

           “I did not say anything. I’m also not one to use the word, cute, loosely but-”

           “Shut it,” I insisted before Thor sat down next to me again with his hot drink.

           “I hope you’re packing light for your trip.”

           “Almost too light,” I turned toward him. “I won’t need a tent, will I?”

           “No, transportation and shared housing will be provided. I’m sure you’ll be in a tent with Sif. I requested you for my unit since I bid your name.” Thor replied and I exhaled, relieved.

           “I’ll jump off the nearest cliff if I have to share with you or Volstagg. The snoring never ends.” Loki added with the usual shine in his eyes.

           “Yes, you can share with Fandral. I know Hogun doesn’t want to after what he kept doing last time.” Thor joked and I turned to see Loki reply.

           “On second thought, I’ll share with any of you over Fandral.” He spoke in a flat tone.

           “Oh, right. You all noticed, haven’t you?” I gulped the down rest of my sweet drink and they both stared at me. “Fandral…he’s a bit…uh, clingy when he sleeps. Moves around a lot too and mumbles things.”

           “Yes, but, we’re wondering how you know this?” Loki quirked up a thin eyebrow and I giggled to myself.

           “Oh? No, it isn’t like that. No, not at all like that. You know that Fandral and I are from the same village… Well, I spent many nights at his house. But, I’ve napped with and by him a lot. Nothing else. Innocent sleep. I want that on the official royal record.” I shot them both a glance. “But, yes, he likes to curl up around you and moan sweet nothings in your ear.”

           “Last time we shared a tent, he curled his limbs around me and asked if I’d hidden his socks. I hardly would call that a sweet nothing,” Loki smacked his cup down as Thor and I shared a moment of laughter. “I pushed him outside after that while he was still asleep.”

           “Yes, I was aware because he balled up between Hogun and I after the fact.” Thor gulped from his mug.

           “Poor Hogun. He really enjoys his own space.” I shrugged.

           “And I don’t?” Thor hummed. “What about Poor Thor?”

           “Poor Thor is almost in my lap right now,” I countered and he shrugged, sitting back.

           “Fair point. Though, I’m certain it’s comfortable.” Thor was sweet. My lip tugged.

           “Don’t shower me in too much praise just yet.” I added with a touch of sarcasm, entertained by my friends. I gave his huge bicep a poke for good measure.

           “Now you sound like Loki,” Thor’s lip hitched upward.

           “He says it as if it’s a terrible thing.” Loki scooted closer toward me around the booth in an idle motion.

           “Eh.” I shrugged and Loki scoffed.

           “What does that mean?” He inquired.

           “She likes me better,” Thor leaned against the table. “Right? Who is your favorite? Be honest now.” I sighed for dramatic effect and sat back, peering at each of them once before I pressed my lips.

           “Sif.” I smiled sweetly when I earned flattened expressions. “Now, if you’re done boxing me in…I’d like to go get a water.”

           “Suppose I’ll set you free.” Thor moved but I paused to greet Loki’s hopeful face when I picked up my empty mug.

           “Thanks again. For the drink…and the advice.”

           “Of course.” Loki bowed his head and extended a hand, but quickly recoiled so I moved to get up. 

           More warriors filtered in as I swallowed and leaned against the bar for a moment. I did not want to go home. The goblet of ice water was cool in my hand and for a moment I wished it was alcohol. The rest of my friends slipped in and I snickered as they piled around one table; Loki wasn’t amused at all. Before I got the chance to join them, a voice took me from my daze when my name was uttered.

           “Yes?” I turned and met the eyes of my partner from the spar earlier. His lip quirked up at me before I blinked. “Herlof, right?” There was a fresh bruise above his eyebrow. “I hope I didn’t do that to you.”

           “Oh? No,” he chuckled, touching it in a way that was familiar, and I found myself leaning on the bar counter once more as he drew closer to join me. “You didn’t.”

           “Good.” I shook my head. “I mean…not good that you have it. I’m glad I didn’t-”

           “Rest assured, I understand.” He turned to the barkeep. “Ale.” Herlof was probably around Thor’s age and clearly working on growing more muscle bulk. “Can I buy you something?”

           “In truth, I should be buying you something,” this roused a sound of amusement from his lips and I relaxed.

           “Nonsense.” He shook his head. “You here with anyone?”

           “No. Well, yes. My friends at Loki’s table.” I cocked my head and turned slightly to peer at them. All of them talking animatedly like most of the other warriors around now. In their own little worlds. 

           A bard began plucking strings in the corner, setting a soft tune just under the many groups. When my friends didn’t look up at me, I turned back to Herlof. He was gazing at me. Quite directly. So I didn’t move.

           “Our spar caused a lot of fuss.” He drank from a mug in an eager motion. “You favor that axe?”

           “Gods, no. It belongs to my father.” I slid into a seat when he gestured.

           “Ah. I get it now.” Herlof leaned toward me. “In that case, I’d like to spar with you again. Bring the weapon you favor this time.”

           “I…” I felt my lips tilting up. “I’m sure that can be arranged. You put up a good fight, I’ve never fought anyone with that weapon you had before.”

           “Yes, I imagine not. Suppose that gives me a bit of an upper hand against an enemy.” He shrugged and sipped more. “Though, I think you proved my theory wrong today.”

           “Oh? Sorry,” I laughed and he smiled, wider this time.

           “No…I…” Herlof stared at me and trailed off before he looked around and said. “Would you like to get away from this? Go for a walk?”

           “Sure.” I was in a trance. Kind words were being said to me. A man had turned his head to look at my face and listen to what I said. 

           My father’s words were in my brain but damn him, I’d made an impression on a man. So, I followed Herlof out and we talked. Mostly about mundane things. But, that was fine with me. 

           If a man was kind to me, maybe that meant I was possible to love. What a damnable, foolish notion that was. My cloak fluttered behind me as wind blew before it stilled. 

           “Are you nervous at all for next week?” I piped up in the chill.

           “No, not yet. I’ve been training for ages for this. I’m ready for a real battle.” He downed his drink and tossed the empty mug down an alley in one reckless sweep. It crashed to pieces and I jolted but quickly set my gaze on the ground ahead of me. “Cold?”

           “No,” I shook my head and peered at him, careful. “It’s a beautiful night… Your family must have been proud to hear you’ve been accepted.” We turned and I realized we’d gone off path into an area where trees rustled against the wind. I stopped to look up at the moon and he replied behind me

           “Yes, I suppose they were. My mother is a great warrior, high in the ranks. I’ll say they didn’t like that I lost to a…”

           “Woman?”

           “Yes.” His fingers clenched together when I leaned back against a tree and the long curved branch that stuck out, wedged there. Dreaming and hoping still. Unknowing of all the red flashes that had swept behind my eyes.

           “Did that bother you? To lose to a woman?” I asked quieter, staring up at him.

           “Hm. Did it fill you with joy to beat a man?” His voice was deep. Gruff. Neither of us answered. “You always look sad, girl. Even now. Why?”

           “I have been hurt.” The most honest I’ve been in a while. My words were simple. Unable to express the levels underneath. Unable to sacrifice Queen or pawn, nor take the King at last and win this hellish game.

           “Me as well. We could help each other.” Herlof’s eyes slipped down my expression. “You’re different.”

           “From who?”

           “The lot of them.” I tried to understand what he meant and my heart dipped. Why did that unsettled me? To be different from other girls. We could exist fine in our diversity without contest. This was wrong.

           “How did you get the bruise on your face?” I asked suddenly when his hand came to rest on a tree branch. Herlof hummed in response and drew closer. 

           I knew he would try to kiss me. Something I’d never done before.

           “You are a very pretty girl,” he murmured my name. “Did you know that?” I swallowed and stared at him. 

           I still couldn’t figure if he was angry somehow that I’d beaten him. The scent of ale brushed my face before he tilted his head. In one instant, I turned my face to the side at the slightest brush of our lips. It was not a real kiss. More of an unkiss if there is such a thing. 

           It was the first a man had tried and the closest thing to one succeeding. Herlof noticed but didn’t stop and his lips brushed my jaw before he turned so that we were staring at each other. When he leaned in again, I brought my hands up toward his chest and turned my face once more after our lips touched. 

           “Relax.” He muttered, knuckles trailing up my jaw and this time I pushed at him.

           I was too nice. Too vulnerable. Too stupid. And too pitiful to say no.

           My lungs seized up.

           “Calm down, will you?” He tried and I slid around him, pushing my way out of the corner. “Gods. What’s your issue? Just trying to be nice to you and this is what I get.” I was scrambling to hurry away as he tried to guilt me like I owed him something. “Wait.” 

           With no verbal abilities, I began rushing with him after me. Hair flying. Bones chattering together. 

           “Hold on, will you?” Herlof pressed. My vision blurred with tears so I jogged. Cape fluttering behind. Brave little warrior, unable to speak. Unable to breathe. Running from a drunk man. Wishing to flap her arms and fly away.

           “Fine! Go! Slut! Thought you’d be different. Those eyes. I lost to some damned girl… My mother is right about the lot of you.” He bellowed after me. 

           When I turned the corner, my boots skidded before I slipped in the snow and fell back on my ass. Horror crossed my face while I looked into the eyes of Lady Sif, staring down at me. Anger burst to fuel her. Herlof halted behind me. Loud music from the pub didn’t fully overshadow her voice.

           “What did you say to her?” Sif tilted her head, daring him.

           “What the hell is her problem?” Herlof pointed and I drew back on my knees. Snow melted and wet my clothing as I shook and breathed heavier. Lungs manic. One hand came to my chest, willing my senses to function again. Willing myself to just speak. I felt around the slush. Tried to tether myself to the world again. “I was just-”

           “I asked you a question, imbecile!” Sif advanced, grabbing his collar. I stumbled to my feet, slipping to latch onto her arm. She’d lay waste to this man. Hollow tones came.

           “Sif, please,” I sputtered. “Please, don’t.” I tugged at her a couple of times and finally, she was responsive. Her eyes slid to meet mine before she roughly tossed Herlof back a few steps.

           “Get out of my sight.” Sif hissed. “Pray we never meet in battle.” Herlof sneered and stared at me before turning to go down an alleyway. “What was that?” Sif turned her full attention to me. “Suddenly you leave. What did he do?”

           “Nothing. He tried…He kind of kissed me. I thought he-…I thought I…” Fingers found the fur lining of Sif’s cloak. She let me explore the soft texture as I tried to speak. The rhythm helped steady me. "I thought I-"

           “What has been going through your head lately?” Sif exhaled a slight puff and saw me shrivel. “I don’t…mean it like that. Herlof is an idiot and I just want to know-”

           “He was nice to me.” My voice shrunk. Somber. Pitiful. This beautiful wave of understanding crossed Sif’s radiant face.

           “Well,” her words were sharp, “he is not.” She waited until I sniffled and nodded before taking my shoulders. “He is not,” she stated again. “But, you are. Better than nice, in fact. Come on, I’ll get you cleaned up before we go back in. Never mind these drunks, they don't value you. They play pretend and get upset when we see through it.”

           “Sif,” I stopped her, arms curling over my chest before I pleaded. “Don’t…Don’t tell Loki or Thor… All right? Don’t tell the others about this at all. Especially not Fandral. Please?”

           “I…” Sif merely sighed before she agreed, standing taller. “I will not. I promise.”

           And then she said something that would stick with me. 

           “You’ll lose yourself in these secrets.”

           I only gave a shudder.

           “Thank you.”

Chapter Text

           “Sorry all. The fresh air was too crisp. We entered into a grand conversation. What did we miss?” Sif pulled me by the hand along with her. I beamed in agreement, good as new. A smile painted my expression.

           “Fandral is off doing what he does best. In his eyes.” Hogun remarked from the table. “Thor and Volstagg are at the middle of the bar now,” he pointed just across from us, “attempting to tell stories and have a drinking contest. They think I’m keeping count but I’ve been writing a letter to my wife.” The warriors near Hogun chuckled around us. I shuffled my feet and nudged at Sif.

           “Look, I think I’m going to turn in early. I'll sneak out the side.”

           “You sure, we just got back?” She furrowed her brow at me.

           “Yes, I think that chocolate went to my head.” I joked and nodded to assure her. “Thank you. Hogun, I can drop that letter with the couriers tonight for you if it’s ready?”

           “I’d appreciate that, yes.” He sealed it and held it toward me. “Thank you.”

           “It’s no problem, it’ll be on the way.” I fixed my cloak and bid them goodbye before someone leaned out from the bar to catch me on the way out. Loki beamed and stood up, grabbing his cloak.

           “I have work to do. Allow me to walk you.” He gave Thor a pat on his massive bicep. “Volstagg can carry my sweet brother home and tuck him in.”

           “Who will carry me home?” Volstagg slurred and leaned against Thor as they both laughed aloud. Loki rolled his eyes and turned to follow me but I stepped in front of him first.

           “You don’t have to walk me home, it’s the complete opposite direction of the palace. And I’ll be safe.”

           “It’s certainly not to keep you safe,” Loki scoffed, almost dramatically. “For my pleasure.” Smirking, I exhaled and shrugged in response. I liked this breezy side of him when he dared to show it.

           “Not the whole way.”

           “Half. No. To the bridge.”

           “Deal.” I agreed, pulling my cloak in closer.

           “Where did you go?” He asked when we got outside.

           “Fresh air,” I shrugged, cobblestone clicked under my heels as we walked along.

           “You walked out with Herlof,” Loki commented. Not at all interested of course. "I've never seen that one say anything remotely intelligent."

           “Oh? Yes, we were just talking about the spar today. Turned a lot of heads.” I crossed my arms and changed the subject. “We’ve a lot to do this week before we leave. I need to shop tomorrow actually. Wrap my mind around this.”

           “Yes, I do as well. The shops, I mean,” Loki paused when I turned to slip Hogun’s letter into a slot on the side of a small building before I faced him. My friend peered at me carefully before he straightened up and glanced away. “You know…actually, since we both have similar shops to visit in town, I assume.”

           “Yes?” I dropped my arms and he chuckled, running a hand over his hair in an idle motion.

           “We could benefit in going together.”

           “You might, uh,” I clasped my hands behind my back. “Yes, you might have a point.”

           “Would you want to go with me?” Loki stood over me. Lip twitching before he repeated. “For my pleasure.”

           “I’d like that.” I nodded and slowly we began to walk again, gazes locking. “What time and where should I meet you?”

           “Let’s say ten o’clock. We’ll meet by that bench at the front of the main street; the one I used that new spell to stick Thor to when he sat down.”

           “I remember that!” I covered my lips with my hand. “He was so upset, he got up and the entire bench came with him and he still tried to chase after you.” Loki chuckled at that and agreed.

           “Yes, I believe his imprint is still there. I didn’t realize the spell would be that powerful.”

           “Oh, that was so long ago.” I watched Loki grin there in the flurries. Light snow fell around us. Coating our dark hair. Tiny wishes. Flickers of stardust. “Still, I don’t think anything beats the time you made the Elders go into fasting.”

           “They were being a little dramatic about it. It was Thor's fault.” Loki huffed slightly. “They did not even fast for that long and in truth, they had it coming. Erikur especially.”

           “Well, he is much too forward about his dislike for all things supposedly different from his old ways. Magic. Elves. Pretty much any race outside his own. I don’t think he understands our society at all, it’s been mixed for ages. Why is he leading them again?”

           “Unfortunately, he is the loudest and most noble.” Was all Loki replied and I turned to see the path ahead.

           "Could the King replace them?" I wondered aloud. "Retire them altogether."

           "It isn't that simple." 

           “Well." I nudged his side. "Someone should tell him that there are more realms outside ours. Maybe let him know about the closed provinces in Asgard.”

           “Might kill him,” Loki’s jest shrunk when he noticed the bridge into my village. “So soon?”

           “Yes, I suppose so.” 

           Silence fell with the snow. Sometimes enjoying another's company was enough. We stopped in the middle of the bridge. Admired the cosmos. The river underneath was half frozen and sparkling tonight. Twinkling with our blurry reflections as I leaned over to see. Picture of Loki and I together. Watching. Waiting for something more.

           “May I ask you a personal inquiry?” It surprised me. Loki’s gentle politeness.

           “Yes.” I leaned against the side of the bridge when he did, pale fingers drumming briefly.

           “Why have you not told your father-?”

           “Loki…” I stopped him, shaking my head. “I’m sorry but my home life…it’s complicated. You’re one of my best friends and I’d like to keep my home life past this bridge. Nowhere else. There are things I need to handle myself.”

           “You are aware that you can tell me anything, right?” Loki reached out and lightly drew his fingertips along my jaw. When he brought his hand down, I covered it with mine. The action was almost bold. Too tender for words. 

           “Yes, I know. I do.” Glancing up at his green eyes, I tilted my head. A cold exhale chilled out.

           “How about tonight, you don’t cross the bridge?” Loki spoke up, surprising me. “Come stay the night in the palace. We’ll go to the shops tomorrow from there. Together. Whatever is troubling you, it’s safe with me.” 

           “You make me feel safe no matter where we are together, Loki.” My lips quirked up slightly before I exhaled out my nose and came forward. There weren't many souls I felt safe around. I heard Loki’s breath hitch when my lips touched his cheek. 

           My eyes fluttered closed and I lingered before drawing back, stepping from him. His hand curled into mine to hold the connection out longer. Just a few seconds longer because they were so sweet. So needed.

           And I knew that I was not ready for more.

           Flashes of Herlof's unwanted kiss. The way I stopped functioning. Stopping breathing. My father throwing glass bottles and pulling my hair. And Loki's touch, delicate as snow, did not cure me.

           “Goodnight, my prince.” When I stepped back, he came with slowly until my foot found the end of the bridge. Our hands slipped, skin sliding together, before they lowered and he found his voice.

           “Goodnight.” My name left his tongue. Loki clasped his hands behind his back and I left him at the edge of that bridge. Careful steps as I walked without him at my side. I felt sober for the first time tonight. But, when I shifted once to wave, Loki was still looking at me. 

           A smile found my lips when I turned to continue on.

** ** **

           “You were right,” Loki greeted me the next morning, eyes pointed down. At the famous bench. “Thor’s imprint is truly preserved forever.”

           “I’m surprised that this poor bench is still here,” I replied after an entertained moment, pushing my curls aside.

           “Where did you need to go first?” He glanced at me when I pulled out my list before snatching it from my fingers. “Let’s see here.”

           “Loki,” I huffed as he turned to read with my list out of reach. I had to lean against his back so I could see my handwriting. People around us continued on after the occasional odd look. My hands came to touch Loki’s biceps and he scanned my writing, bringing it closer to his nose.

           “Why are there so many circles and question marks? Is this code?”

           “Your royal is showing. I’m trying to prioritize on my budget.” I managed to slip the paper from his hands. “When you’re not a prince…you do that.” 

           Loki blinked at me but didn’t say what he was thinking, amusement graced his lips instead when I folded my list to set it away.

           “What do you need most?” He asked.

           “I’m thinking suitable boots for this weather and our seemingly impending battle are more important than a cloak. I need my feet and legs in good shape. If that’s alright with you?”

           “This way,” Loki went off so I shifted to his right swiftly. One palm braced flat against my back, easing me closer to him. Icicles caught the light and dripped from roofs.

           “If you don’t need boots, you can go somewhere else and I’ll meet you.” I piped up after a moment. His thumb made a circle into my spine.

           “Nonsense. It might shock you, but I invited you to spend time with you.” Loki mused, holding open the door to the shop. An entertaining hum vibrated my throat.

           “Prince Loki, we didn't expect you,” the woman behind the counter grinned. “Welcome. Let me help you both with your cloaks.” She slipped Loki’s from his shoulders and quickly took mine before hanging them.

           “Thank you,” I clasped my hands.

           “What can I assist you with today?” She asked and Loki gestured to me.

           “I’m…just looking for now.” I swallowed and hurried beyond Loki after bowing my head. I never liked to be a bother.

           “She’s searching for boots. Suitable for snow and battle. We’ll let you know if we require your assistance. Thank you, darling.” Loki’s voice trailed behind me before he followed after into the high shelves. “So shy. You’re nervous about spending today. Why? You’re smart, I’m certain-”

           “I don’t want to spend more than I should,” I admitted fainter and he examined my face. “I’ve put money aside for this because I knew it would be happening soon…but I’ve been saving up for something else and I don’t wish to take more money from that.” 

           When Loki waited for me to elaborate, I fiddled with my hair and went on. 

           “I’ve been trying to save up to move but I don’t have the means to…”

           “Fandral offered once. I remember him mentioning it.”

           “I didn’t want to push myself into his life. He has his own plans. I know he wanted to eventually try moving into the palace’s warrior quarters and he has the skill for it. To me, that’s an impossible dream.” I jumped when Loki lifted a chiding hand.

           “Impossible? In Asgard? Why is it you speak that way about yourself? Like you’re a piece of cargo in the way. If the warrior’s dormitories compel you so, go after them.” Loki’s thumb tipped my chin and I still avoided the stare. “Why are you so frightened of desire?”

           My bottom lip quivered at him. Eyes flickering. I gave the truth. 

           “Desire can be taken. Too easily. Hoping has a cost.”

           “Hope is still free. You know that.” Loki released me. He’d always known better. “You know you’re a better warrior than the lot of them. Did you honestly believe that my brother was humoring you in bidding your name? You were on his mind before I could give my own recommendation. Thor and I don't often agree."

           "You recommended me, too?" 

           "Thor asked my opinion and our minds aligned for once. More people believe in you than you think. Do yourself the same courtesy." His lashes batted so pretty at me. "Go after the dorms, father likes his best warriors close. You join the ranks, impress them, put your name in. You could still move in with Fandral until that time.”

           “The dorms are closer to him than they are to me. I’ll do it myself. My way. And he kept telling me he’d cover my expenses if I lived with him but I didn’t want that. I either cover for myself or I don’t move in. So, I made a choice and told him no. I’d like to do that one day. The dorms but…it seems far off. It’s all right. I’m managing. I just need to get through this war first.” Fingers drew along the rows of merchandise. Loki’s eyes followed me. 

           “So stubborn.”

           "As if you’re not, my prince? I'm just dealing with everything one step at a time.” Sarcasm bled. Loki hitched a chuckle and my head turned aside. “I should really pick something so we can get going.” 

           The prince beamed at me and touched my shoulder.

           “I’ve a pair in mind for you. Well within your budget.” Loki tugged at my hand. The boots he had me try on were dark brown, sturdy, and the top was lined in wool that would keep me warm. Contented, I walked around in them and got used to the feel before I smiled and Loki returned it.

           “Yes?” He lifted an eyebrow and I nodded. “She’ll take them,” he called to the front as I got them off. “I’ll meet you up there.” His voice trailed off as he quickly turned to go before I could respond. Hurried, I got them unlaced and took them up with me to purchase. When she told me the price, I tilted my head and side-eyed Loki.

           “Any friend of the prince gets a discount,” she smiled and I paid her.

           “Thank you, ma’am.” Loki and I left before I paused outside. “You didn’t have to do that.”

           “It was not that big a discount.” He shrugged.

           “Still.” I pressed.

           “I do not get to do shopping with the company of another.” Loki reasoned, beckoning for me to follow him. “Besides, I’ll likely bore you with my own list of things. I will not do it again. All right? Come now, you look cold.”

           “Hmph.” I exhaled sharper and trailed after him.

           “As for the earlier topic: In truth, I’m not sure how anyone would like to live with Fandral.” His comment brought a chuckle to my lips. “How would one survive that?”

           “Soundproof walls.” I made him break in turn and my face warmed when he stopped at another shop. “New blades?” I got the door for him this time.

           “No, I got my set sharpened.” He approached the counter. “I am here to pick up.”

           “We expected you today, my prince. I’m certain they’re to your liking.” The young man winked at Loki and turned to pick up a case. “Take your time, please.” He disappeared and I peered over Loki’s shoulder to see him unroll a long row of sleek throwing knives and daggers. 

           He plucked up one of the shop’s advertising cards and lifted a blade to admire it before gently sliding the steel along the paper’s side. It effortlessly cut into the edge and Loki appeared satisfied. My chest sunk with a silent breath as he meticulously looked over each blade, metal gleamed in the dim candle light. 

           “Bored yet?” He asked after a moment without looking at me.

           “No, I love a fresh blade now and then,” my morbid humor went unnoticed to Loki. He tilted a dagger in his hand swiftly so that he could see me in its reflection over his shoulder. I stared at his eyes for a moment before the corner of my lips lifted. “Are you finally contented after looking at them so closely for as long as you did?”

           “I could stand to gaze much longer.” Loki’s eyes sparkled vividly before he brought the blade down and packed up his collection. “But, there are other places to be so I suppose that it’s just a glance for today.” Loki turned with the case under his arm as I held onto my bag. “Come now.” 

           With green eyes lingering on me, he left a large tip on the counter and we left together. The day cast peaceful, walking along shops and enjoying each other’s company. He asked my advice on much of what he tried on like he wanted to include me perfectly into his schedule. 

           We got a small lunch together and I grew worried when we entered the next shop. Cloaks lined the displays of various weights and styles, causing me to sigh. Mine at home was worn and patched in a few places, not right for battle and harsh snow.

           “Hm?” I asked when I realized Loki had spoken my name after he addressed the shopkeeper.

           “I asked if you had an idea of what you wanted in mind.”

           “Oh? No, actually…” I swallowed and trailed after him. With the shop near empty, I set my things down next to his on a bench in the corner. The shopkeeper approached Loki and bowed before presenting him with a box.

           “It’s ready and to your precise specifications, Prince Loki.” They had gushed with pride before Loki opened the box and pulled a large garment into his hands. Fabric spilling as heavy spun silk. Divine.

           “You’ve outdone yourself again. That will be all.” Loki shifted to pull the cloak on and my breath caught. It was a work of art. Fine fibers elegantly woven and fur linings to keep him warm. The velvety green of it swayed perfectly as he moved. 

           I didn’t even want to touch it with my shaken hands. This pretty, expensive cloak held up in front of me. It seemed unattainable. Loki admired himself in the mirror and he just looked so beautiful. A sickness overcame when his eyes slid to me. 

           “What is wrong, sweetheart?” The tender voice laced in something that didn’t register within my head as I wiped a tear from my face. More filled my eyes and I got up to dash into a fitting room next to me before Loki could even react.

           “I’m fine...fine.” I tried but my throat choked before I began to cry, falling into a seat so I covered my face in trembling hands. “I need a moment, I’m sorry.”

           “I’d like to come in, if you’ll allow me.” Loki tried after a beat of quiet shuffling. I heard him sigh faintly and pulled myself together. By mere threads. Fingers felt around the plush seat, trying to ground myself through touch per habit. I just needed to keep it together.

           “Yes.” I swallowed and he entered, moving the long curtain back into place as I touched my stomach. Loki wasn’t wearing the expensive cloak anymore and I scooted over when he sat down next to me.

           Taut fingers gripped the seat tighter. Mortified by my emotions. I went rigid, turning my gaze away from him.

           “Here,” his hushed tone soothed me in the slightest before I reached out to take the handkerchief he was offering between two long fingers. When I wiped my cheeks, Loki reached out and touched my arm only when I nodded for him to do so. “If my flaunting of my family’s privileges is what is bringing you pain… I apologize.”

           “No,” I tried to scoff and shook my head. “No, Loki, it isn’t that. I’ve known you since we were children. I know who your family is. It’s not you. I just…I feel…”

           I could have said a number of things.

           I’m frustrated because my skin is crawling and begging and pulsing.

           I’m depressed because I hate who I am and where I’m going.

           I feel too poor and too lacking in skills for my group of friends.

           I felt lost in this world made of glitter cosmos and I couldn’t show that.

           My father abuses me mentally and physically and it isn’t supposed to be like that.

           My mother is too weak to stop it and I’m too weak to hate her for it.

           My own mind torments me daily and any higher gods above us could never hope to beg for my forgiveness for the game they set up for me.

           I’m in love with you and confused about that and angry that I can’t tell you and I can’t be with you because I am not good enough.

           For anyone.

           My eyes shut tight. The syllables rose.

           It isn’t possible to love her.

           The words burned into every thread of my soul. Seized me until I was nothing. Nothing.

           But, I didn’t say any of that.

           “Herlof kissed me.” I choked out and covered my face when Loki furrowed his brow.

           “…What?” He sounded breathless.

           “Last night, we were talking…going for a walk. He got close to me and he was nice so I let him but I… I didn’t want him to just…”

           “Oh.”

           “And I was afraid and confused and paralyzed because no one has ever… I’ve never- But, he just took that. He took my choice away from me. He lured me in with words of care and covered the fact that he was only thinking of himself. Why is it men think they can do that to me? And I let that happen,” I rambled on as I cried more between syllables. “I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel like I can’t function most days. Like being here, being present, is just too much.”

           “No,” Loki shook his head and scooted closer. “No, no. You cannot put the blame on yourself. It was not your fault. It was his. His alone. Look at me.” Cool fingers touched my face before I lifted my eyes to his. Shaken utterly. “You didn’t make him do anything. Is the fox ever to blame when hunted by a rabid wolf?”

           “Am I prey in this scenario?” I searched him, lips parting. 

           “Never. Foxes are a fiery wildcard. The world is always going to be more thrilling with them in it,” Loki’s mouth twitched up at me. Encouraging. “They’re clever, strange, and adaptable. Bewitching, like you. And you did nothing wrong. His actions belonged to him. Not you. Do you hear me?”

           “Yes,” I swallowed, sniffing briefly before I looked away and took another moment to wipe my face. Loki gave this tempered exhale, tucking my stray curls aside. Petting them back. I wondered what his kisses were made of. What they tasted like. If that undercurrent of smoking magic coated his tongue in sparks. “I’m sorry…I didn’t mean for this to come out now. Just the stress built and that set me off. I can’t stop thinking about the way I locked up.”

           “Herlof is vile and you confirmed it. He's a nobody. Thor knocked him into the dirt a number of times over the years.” Loki tried and failed to lift my spirits as I sniffed again. The soft pad of his thumb drew a circle into my jaw. Held me. Unrelenting. “Just as you did yesterday in front of everyone.”

           “I try not to get my hopes up and still I am hurt.” I tucked some hair behind my ear. “Why…Why did I let him hurt me so?” 

           I wasn’t talking about Herlof. 

           “I just want to be…” I stared up at Loki with dying stars in my eyes. “I want to be like you, in truth. I want to be powerful and…and good with my words. I want to have an influence. I want to feel strong in this body. Strong in my mind. Strong enough for myself and those I love. Strength with shock waves and impact. I want them all lined up. Looking at me. Just once.”

           “They try to harm you because you are still good, regardless of that undeserved pain. They cannot stand it.” Loki swept the back of his finger under my eye and along my cheek. 

           A new found certainty entered his voice to devour me. 

           “As for power and influence. There will come a day when you’ll understand it. You will bring the world to their feet and they will look at you. Not for long though. They will avert their gazes only because they will bow.”

           I felt it then.

           The fantasy reeling.

           Loki watching my face.

           Me surging forward to kiss him.

           Only when he allows it first.

           Come away with me.

           He’d stolen the breath from my lungs and only now did I take it back.

           “You sound certain.” I set the fantasy aside and focused on the reality that I would endure. I would endure pain. I would endure love. I would endure the forces trying to pick me apart.

           “Yes, well, I am.” Loki leaned in. “Yet, it is my wish that your voice carries the same certainty. I’ve seen you spar, I know it’s inside you. Pushing up. Tasting blood. Charged and elated. Follow that.” I tried to scoff but a silent chuckle found my lips when I glanced at my legs.

           “That cloak was divine. Perfect on you.” I clasped my hands. “I think I’m done for today. I have a cloak at home that I’ll alter some.” I watched Loki’s hand shift to cover both of mine in my lap.

           “You’re sure?”

           “Yes.” I smiled just a little. “I had fun today with you.”

           “I always enjoy our time together,” Loki admitted after a moment before he slipped his hand from mine. “I must also add, that as your close friend…I’d like you to permit me to make that bastard pay.”

           “He isn’t worth it,” I shook my head. “I’m fine now. This helped.” Steadier, I stood and he followed. “Not that you ever listen to me, either way. But, after facing Sif’s anger, I think he’ll leave me alone for a while.”

           “True. I’m trying this funny thing mother told me about. I believe it is called common courtesy. Listening to others. Ugh, I could be wrong. So tedious.” Loki’s amused scoff caught when I shifted forward to hug him. Arms under his. Nose buried into his chest to inhale.

           “Sorry,” I started to pull away but he came to himself and touched the back of my head. Softening me into him again. Eyes flickering, I gave in. “I just…thank you.”

           “It’s no issue,” Loki settled his hands on my shoulders. “Come, let me at least buy you dessert before we part ways. I’m certain your choice of sweet baked treat will cheer you up.” I laughed and shifted to wipe my cheeks before glancing back up at him. Hands clasped to lace our fingers. 

           Wordlessly, I agreed with brighter eyes.

** ** **

           “I’m almost done. Last minute tweaks. I think it’ll hold up.”

           “You’ve been fussing with this all week. I’m sure it’s fine.” My mother pulled the old cloak from my hands. “Go. Finish getting ready and I’ll tie this up.” I sped into my bedroom to go over my list for the millionth time. It had come too fast. The time to ship out. My door smacked shut and I spun just in time to catch the axe. Barely.

           “Clumsy. Let’s hope that doesn’t follow you onto the battlefield.” My father’s face was alight with something that made my insides clench.

           Surely I would be killed if I took this.

           He didn’t care.

           At my rank, I was worth more dead to him.

           “I’ll leave my flaws at home.” My jab went over his head before he stepped toward me. “Mother is leaving to meet her friends while we all are gone. Not seasoned enough to stay with the old shield-maidens. Will that cause you loneliness?”

           “She will be safe away from this village with the others. I must stay and secure it with fellow retired warriors. It is my duty. One I’m honored with.”

           “You really do not need your prized axe for that?” I asked and he took my face in his hands, cupping more tightly than he should to bring me to my toes.

           “I’ve the best prize any man could ask for.” He watched my eyes and I thought he would bite me. Tear flesh from bone. “My little daughter. Such scorching eyes you have. Enough to make any man lose control.” 

           He did something strange. One thumb ran the curve of my too sensitive ear. Pinched down hard to twist. A cry leapt and died in my throat. Father forced a kiss against the corner of my lips and pushed me back as when he released me. Disgust quelled.

           “Hurry up.” He sneered like I was the most vile thing in existence. A plague. A cursed and withered idol. 

           After Father left, I realized I’d been holding my breath and stiffly puffed for air before I spit against the doorway of my room. The exact sensations of life escaped me. Hidden into the dark corners of this house. I tore into my things after slinging the weight of my father’s axe against my back. 

           I felt him there. Hanging on me, hands around my neck before I swept my hand back and tossed an unlit candle from my desk. The ferocity in my heart carried up my throat and along my limbs before I tugged at my hair and slapped a harsh palm against my own face.

           The world hushed.

           The pain vibrated.

           My face heated.

           And then I felt nothing.

           Stars cried for help and exploded in on themselves while the worlds kept moving.

           Inhaling, I got a hold of myself and exhaled slowly before I tied my bag up and slung it over my shoulder next. I didn’t catch my reflection on the way out. Just a slip, I forced into my brain. Nothing more.  

           My mother helped me finish in silence and I tied my bag tighter to conceal my sword and dagger. I was a fool to try and bring it with this piece of utter shit paper weight strapped to my back still. I removed it to carry it before my mother kissed me and leaned back in question.

           “Why is your face so hot? Are you nervous?” She wondered and I shuffled before eyeing my father appearing behind her.

           “We should go.” I stepped backwards. My father brought us both into a hug and kissed my mother deeply after I’d pulled away. I turned my head when his eyes slid to me during it like he was rubbing it in. The fact that she was his servant and I was nothing.

           “I’ll see you in a few short weeks, my love. Our daughter will bring about a short end with that axe.” He touched just under my chin and passed me. “Come back in one piece, girl.”

           Purposefully, I didn’t offer him kind words.

           I wished in silence to come back and discover his body. I wasn’t supposed to but the horrid thought curled inside me. Die. Just die.

           My mother left in a carriage and Father didn’t wait for me to catch one before he shut the door. No more words or tokens for me. The snow fell thick; I knew that my cloak wouldn’t cut it but I ignored the thought. Pushed onward. Flakes fell against the axe in my hands and I stepped forward but stopped as if a voice called my name. Somewhere from the endless sea of crystalline clouds. Shimmering. Blinding me.

           Where are you going?

           To war.

           What shall you leave behind?

           There it was. The delicious claw of hope and freedom kneading under flesh and marrow. Nails raked over my heart and dug into it. Burrowed utterly into me. Made my soul bleed out.

           I heaved for air and forces that once felt beyond my control coiled out from my spine. I lifted the axe up against the grey sky and watched it gleam without beauty. My legacy in wait. My chains in rot.

           What shall I leave behind? My mother would be out of the picture until I got back. My father would be right here. Alone. Without a player on the other side of the board. Without a daughter to touch. Without a wife to scold. 

           The events that led up to my first true act of pure defiance against my father swelled before I spun and smacked the axe’s blade into our icy porch. Teeth bared. Chill sweeping up. Checkmate. My gloved hands released the handle and it stood there, without a master. Without a servant. My chest caved in with adrenaline and I felt tears enrich the scoff that ripped from my throat. Curls feral around my cheeks.

            What shall you leave behind, sweetheart?

            “War.” I seethed aloud, hunching over. My fingers became talons briefly. I could have gone back for it but I was running. Flying. Delivering myself for the first time from my father’s steel hands. Leaving that legacy behind for him.

           I kept running. Without trying to catch a carriage. Without fear. Without a care in my crumbling world. I left the axe on the doorstep and I knew my father would get the message. I also knew I’d return from war into the most hostile environment I’ve known.

           But, that was the nature of my world.

           Laughter swelled in my throat.

           Then erupted. Manic. Fleeting.

           I’d return for certain. Oh yes. And I’d take my throne at the other end of the board, drenching myself in my father’s sick game. He’d been trying to get me to play for eons. Perhaps, it was time to stop pacing along the fence. My father had many flaws. And one I’d been able to construct is how he underestimated me.

           He wasn’t the only one. My feet took me further from home. I hated it, pretending to be something I wasn’t. Pretending I wasn’t furious and impulsive. I’d been at this since childhood. Blood and fire in my hair. In my soul. It was most of what I knew. And I hated it. But, no, my father could not for the life of him understand this one perfect and simple detail about who I was. His little daughter. The bloody wildcard.

           He would never grasp the magnitude of how ugly I could be.

** ** **

           “Sorry, I’m late,” I caught my breath and coughed at the same time Fandral tilted his head in question.

           “You’re not late actually,” he shrugged, having perked up from his bag.

           “Great, perfect,” I gave a heave for some air against the cold before straightening up. My hands shook, free of the axe’s weight for good. For now.

           “Did you race here?” Fandral asked after a moment and I shrugged.

           “No idea how you got that in your head,” I opened my bag so I could attach my sword and dagger to my waist.

           “Either way, I’m glad you arrived.” Fandral turned on his charm and got an arm around my shoulders. “You’ll ride in our ship, of course.” He caused me to laugh aloud. Around us, massive numbers of warriors readied ships and shared goodbyes. It grew overwhelming. War rising. They held the same intent merriment as our festivities. Parents gave tokens to their young. A cold breath left me.

           “I’m not in league with your lot. Really, who am I riding with?” I caught Hogun waving after he loaded his bag into the vehicle.

           “She’s here,” he called to the others and many heads popped up around the ship. Matching looks of glee and zeal. It stopped me in my tracks as Thor came down with his usual eagerness. Shining still in the frost. A sunny beacon.

           “Finally,” he held out his hand. “Come aboard.” Completely serious. They all were. My friends, all better warriors than I, wanted me to ride there in the same ship as them. They wanted to include me into their golden worlds. In the glories to come. Blood on the snow. More bodies for a never-ending pyre.

           We all were fools, but we loved each other. Looking back, that would always mean something. It had to.

           It had to.

           When Loki nodded behind Thor, I grasped for his hand and he pulled me over the side. The sleek ship would rush us there with the hundreds matching it around us. Like a gentleman, Thor offered to take my bag and stowed it under an empty seat that was waiting for me.

           “No need to be nervous, we’ve all been in your shoes.” Sif touched my shoulder. “We’ll assist you up there when needed, all right? You’ve practiced for this. Many times. This won’t be different from any other battle. Just longer.”

           “Right.” I exhaled carefully. Eyes darted while my friends talked at me and got ready. My father did not appear in anger. 

           Odin gave his usual brand of rousing speech ahead of us but my eyes lingered on the path behind me. Shivering somewhat, I heard the vehicles revving up and Loki had to tug me to sit down before I came back to focus as Asgardians cheered and chanted around us. Honor and glory blazing ahead.

           “Where is your mind now? You’ve been quiet.” Loki smirked before he corrected himself, gloved fingers winding into my sleeve. “Quieter.”

           “I’m here.” I smiled slight. Not ahead or behind. Just perfectly present. “I am right here.” Wisps of curls fluttered around my face.

           “Well, I suppose I’m thankful for that.” Loki shifted when our friends entered a conversation behind us. Air swept into my leather and chain armor pieces. Hardened me to ice. “Here, let me do something about this hair to get it out of that lovely face you have.” He turned my head and I listened to his voice above the wind. “Trust me.”

           Something inside me unfurled totally.

           “I do.”

Chapter Text

           Our battle cast long and harsh. Ruined fields of perfect shimmering snow in blistering reds. All I could do was catch my breath before it and see. The carnage.

           Weeks were spent trying to keep dry from this cold and cleaning flecks of blood off my blades by what dims fires we could light. Sleep didn’t come easy, nor did the words for a letter to write to my mother before we were flying and marching again. Into the mountains with explosives and arrows at every corner. 

           Our numbers split to take on different camps with the hopes of ambushing them before we were attacked in turn. Frost often coated thinly over my braided hair and my lips took on a purple hue after three weeks of this. Black warpaint smeared lines down my cheeks. Nights were spent without comfort and with thoughts of waking to a blade against my throat. Nerves tiptoed to the very edge.

           Sif was around me often as we shared a tent and her powerful words of quiet reassurance kept me going. Thor kept close too at camp. He bid my name and must have felt my blood was on his hands. He'd never utter such things. Always the golden heir having to carry his weight as such.

           “Cannon barely missed you,” I rubbed a healing stone into Sif's arm when she hissed and drank down some water. A campfire sat flickering just a few feet from us, illuminating the dark forest. Wood crackled apart to underscore the footsteps moving around trees.

           “Your hands are shaking,” she observed as I sniffled silently.

           “I’m fine. Adrenaline still.” I caught Sif’s look, tucking hard strands of hair aside. Eyes flickering.

           “You’ll freeze to death at this rate. You spend most nights awake because of the shivering, I can hear you. You need to rest.”

           “We all do.” The rustling of the trees made me uneasy somehow as snow shook from them. A blast of cold chilled into my bones before I was numb. Sif looked down at her healed arm and flexed.

           “Thank you,” she took my wrist. “Come on.” I let her pull me further from the main camp toward the tents. Asgardian warriors slept while a few stayed up to guard. Thor was among them telling a quiet story before he stood when he saw me.

           “Did you both eat something?” Thor asked. Eyes aside, I pulled my gloves back on.

           “Yes. She’s not looking well,” Sif replied quicker and I shook my head.

           “I can take care of myself. I made it this far.” I pushed past Thor but he took my arm.

           “Get Loki.” He told Sif, holding me firm in his grip to tug. “Ah, ah. You stay. Just let us look at you for a moment. We’re a team.” 

           As Sif moved to go, I caught sight of a tiny gash on Thor’s temple and couldn’t help lifting my hand to move some blond hair aside.

           “Do you need a healing stone for this?” Bolder than usual, I tilted Thor’s sculpted face for a better look. Saw his ocean blues glinting at me. “Bleeding stopped.”

           “No, I’m fine.” Thor caught my amused look at his stubbornness and grinned for me. “You see how we feel now?”

           “Whatever you say, my prince.” I dropped my hand when he looked up to see Loki coming over, hair tousled and sharp face freshly cleaned from a nearby river.

           “Shivering at night?” He asked and Sif crossed her arms, chin jutting in my direction.

           “Yes. Look at her coloring. She’s grown grey and purple.”

           “Oh, come on. I'm a big girl.” I huffed as Loki removed his gloves to monitor me. Those cold fingers touched my neck and I jolted. “You’re frozen too.”

           “Yes, well, the difference is that I’m countering it better,” Loki shrugged and pressed his long digits to my neck. I let him take my face in his hands to focus me before he shook his head. “You need to get some heat before you sleep tonight. You’re unfocused and you can’t bring that into battle.”

           “What do you suggest?” I puffed into the chill and Thor spoke before Loki could.

           “If you’re comfortable, it might be best to have you sleep with Volstagg and I. Between,” he corrected quicker. “Between us. We are large, the heat will be good for you. ” Loki let a sharp exhale out his nose but I’d turned from him.

           “You’re all right with that?” I asked.

           “If you don’t mind Volstagg snoring,” Thor shrugged with a chuckle I matched.

           “We can try that.” I swallowed, glancing from him to Loki and Sif.

           “I’ll share with Hogun and his partner tonight. They won’t mind.” Sif nodded to assure me. Loki’s jaw set tight before he spoke.

           “Be careful with her.” He managed and Thor touched my shoulder. 

           “Rest assured, brother. She’s safe with us.” Thor, hand wrapped around my wrist, was already leading me off. His buff arm moved around me so I could lean into him as we walked.

           “Goodnight,” I beckoned to Sif and Loki.

           “Better sooner than later.” Thor pushed me along. Volstagg was in their tent, finishing up a letter by a lantern before he peered up at us.

           “By the nine, you’re chilled. Come in, come in,” he hurried to fix the large mats they’d slept on and gathered up some furs. “Lie down here. Drink this tonic, it'll warm you some.” Obeying, I went completely silent as I swallowed it down. Thor took the bottle with an encouraging smile. I got on my side and glanced up at him turning down the lantern. Weapons perched safely nearby. He left the lamp on just a tiny bit and got next to me. “Better?” Volstagg asked and I cleared my throat.

           “Yes, thank you.” My voice hushed, quivering until I pressed my eyes closed. Warmth crawled up my nerves. There was a moment of silent breaths before I opened my eyes again.

           “Don’t be afraid to push either of us away,” Thor tried to set me at ease. “This one rolls around in his sleep.”

           “I do not,” Volstagg protested, already falling asleep behind me.

           “He does,” Thor mouthed in the flickering, dim light. I suppressed a giggle before he fixed a fur blanket around me. Hand smoothing down my shoulder. I felt their body heat working steadily to warm me as I watched Thor’s silhouette. He moved on his back with one arm around his head and behind me, Volstagg had fallen into slumber within a few minutes. “You’ve, ah, done well out here.”

           “Oh? Thank you…I should hope so.”

           “You have,” Thor whispered before he turned his head to peer at me. “You’ve grown a lot. Still betting on you.” I pressed my lips and we were silent for a few moments with Volstagg’s snores in the background. “Loki thinks so too.”

           “Does he?” I smiled to myself. "Good."

           “Are you cold still?” Thor said after another beat.

           “A little.”

           “Can I scoot closer to you?” He asked politely and I paused before replying.

           “Yes.” We shifted so that I was curled into Thor’s side. Gingerly, I nestled on his bicep. He had a similar smoking scent as Loki. Probably due to his affinity for lightning. Wispy and crisp. Fresh fallen rain. Electric.

           “Am I making you uncomfortable?”

           “No,” I assured him. “You’re really warm, it’s nice. I’ll gladly steal any body heat you don’t want. My cloak isn’t doing as well as I’d hoped.”

           “My first battle, I lost an entire shoe. Wasn’t a fun end. The snow is slowing us but it shall not stop us.” He sounded quite certain with an entertained flicker.

           “King Odin sent only the best.” I grinned.

           “I long for the day he puts me in charge, I’d have this battle over in half the time.” Thor’s hopeful smile enriched that youthful face just slightly. I looked down at it to marvel as I adjusted myself to get more comfortable.

           “Think so?”

           “I do not doubt it one bit,” Thor smirked and gazed up at the top of our tent. So much still to learn about the world.

           Trees rustled outside and warriors spoke in hushed tones just under them. The lantern had gone out and I couldn’t see Thor’s features anymore. Just a slight shine of his eyes and the dark shadows outlining his form. When I curled into him, I felt him shift over on his side and freeze.

           “Yes?” He muttered and I nodded.

           “Mmm hmm,” I managed in near silence. I'd never slept in the arms of a man before. Heat and musk at my nose. Never been held in a way that was so unselfish at night. 

           His knee touched my thigh and my entire body locked up. I wish I knew where such fear came from. My memories shredded with nothing. I made myself into a ball next to him, legs curling up as I buried my face in my arms. Into his chest. Thor became perfectly still and careful next to me, merely touching my head to assure that I was all right.

           “I apologize.” He stated and I peered up, shaken somehow.

           “It isn’t you.”

           “But, it is someone,” Thor whispered as if he understood. As if he knew these fears we buried deep in our bellies. These fears that made us children again. Hiding under beds away from the beating of angry steps. 

           I didn’t reply, resuming my hidden position. Eyes closed and I started to fantasize of someplace warm before it dawned on me that I was already there. Relaxing, I let Thor protect me from the cold and fell into a sleep I never thought I’d receive out here. 

** ** **

           The pounding of blood through my body never slowed during battle. My heart became a tiny bird rattling within my ribs. We charged and roars of clanging blades echoed through the frozen air. I hacked away at enemies and let my lungs fill with fury while smoke swirled through the world from explosions on both sides.

           As the numbers on the other side dwindled; we ensured our enemies stayed dead. There were times when perhaps I thought I was doing the right thing in putting some of them out of their misery. Watching them wail and choke on red. They always stared at me as they died. A few cursed me while others begged for the end. I always stared back at them and obliged. 

           It was the least of what I could do.

           “Take cover!” A shout urged before a blast of smoke sent me and a dozen others to the ground. The voice, I thought, dazed and huffing for air.

           “No,” I gasped, tripping to get up as I raced toward Volstagg’s form on the ground. He’d covered his face but his right leg received most of the blow. Skin torn and charred from it, pieces of debris sticking out. Thor had gotten to him first with another warrior, growling in a rage.

           “Healers!” Thor barked when I knelt to take Volstagg’s hand in mine.

           “Forgive me,” he croaked. “Bastard. I didn’t see it until-” Thor hushed him when he coughed as a healer bent down.

           “Save your strength.” Thor swallowed then gave a few orders to the group around us. It was the first I'd seen him shaken up. I smiled for Volstagg to offer what comfort I could. “Tend to the rest of the wounded. Ensure our enemies lay dead. Watch out for more traps.” Many moved at once before the healer shook their head.

           “He cannot stay like this. A healing stone isn’t enough.”

           “Take him back,” Thor decided with a somber frown. His big hand came to Volstagg’s chest. “I am sorry, my friend. You will see your family soon.”

           “I’ll take care of him.” Hogun, looking dirty from battle, took a knee next to us. “Go.”

           “Join us when you can, we’ll need you. We’ll split the group and come together,” Thor cast Volstagg a look of regret before touching his head. “Rest. You’ve done enough here.”

           “Give them hell.” Volstagg tried to chuckle when a hand took my shoulder. Startled, I snatched it with one palm on my dagger.

           "Loki," I loosened my grip and promptly laced our fingers. He had this haunted look, gasping upon touching me. Relief. I think he saw the expression mirrored in my face.

           “Come, we have to keep moving. If our groups can ambush their main camp, we’ll bring an end to this.” Loki got me to stand as healers and warriors surrounded Volstagg to get him out of here. 

           Some mounted horses while others managed to dislodge silent vehicles from the snow. Loki pulled me with him as Thor took a horse and eagerly began to bellow more orders for our large group. My ears were ringing and Loki had to tug me along until he mounted a horse. 

           “Hurry,” he urged when the horse grew restless and I blinked but grabbed for his arm so he could pull me up. “Hold on.” Loki’s words hadn’t ended before the animal raced off after Thor’s. Pounding hoofs into the ice and sleet. 

           In an instant, I clung to him and had to bury my face into his cloak to keep the cold out when it licked at my cheeks and ears. Our enemies did not have numbers but they did have heart and will. Which was more dangerous. Righteous fury could burn down whole villages. 

           Asgardians followed behind in droves before we came upon the rocky cliff. What was once a magnificent waterfall had frozen in shards of sparkling ice with the water trapped and rushing under thick layers as if it was waiting to be unleashed. Trapped in time itself. Below lay the last numbers of the enemy army, banging rusted weapons against their shields as if to dare us to attack.

           “Charge!” Thor had commanded, Mjolnir raised high, before lightning exploded and rippled across the ground below. Asgardians descended down the hills from all sides and into the center of battle. At the same time, marauders charged and the immediate sounds of cannons began. Smoke blasting to fill the space. Looked almost ethereal.

           Our horse galloped through smoke before I gave Loki a squeeze and jumped into the thick of it. When he turned in a sudden motion to glance back at me, I didn’t have time to nod before I brought my sword up and sliced a man open. Navel to neck. He spilled at my feet. Stains that wouldn't come out anytime soon.

           It felt immediate, the way the once perfect blanket of snow grew tarnished with blood, footprints, and bodies. As if it wasn't perfect to begin with. Begging to be destroyed. No one would remember a time when it sparkled. With my dagger in my left hand, I impaled a woman before she could strike and jerked back to kick the man behind me. Dancing and killing in rhythm.

           I counted the steps and strikes in my head and tried not to count the lives I’d taken. Eleven. Twelve. Thirteen. A blade sliced my shoulder and my cloak fell from my back completely as I thrust my sword forward. Into the heart of someone before they could cut me in half.

           “You’re half frozen to death, child,” a buff, pasty woman challenged me with a spiked mace in one hand. A circlet of bones and jewels rounded her head and a sneer crossing her dry lips. Confidence peaked within that look. “One strike.”

           My ears rang and I could no longer distinguish the sounds around me. To keep from overstimulation, I squeezed my wounded shoulder and let the pain focus me. Blade flashing. Feet stumbled and rushed toward her when she spun to swing her heavy weapon at me. 

           Heavier enemies needed to stay grounded and balanced but often forgot to protect their legs. Sliding across ice, I dipped low to dodge. With all my strength, I swung until my blade sliced flesh and bone. Time stilled with me. Blood dripped like sugar syrup from steel.

           My breasts rose and fell when I stayed positioned on my knees with my arms spread, out of breath. Blood spurted and a distant bird flew up from the forest to escape this madness. Into a sea of grey and white. How I envied it.

           I barely heard the slight gasp as I stood tall and she peered at me with wide eyes before crumbling. Her body split just above her knees, blood pumping from arteries onto the snow. Tremors shook her entire form as she stared at me and reached out for someone across the battlefield.

           “You’re bleeding out, elder,” I countered. “Two strikes.” 

           My sword drove into her heart. Like silk. Like butter. A loud wail echoed over every sound in this hell so I jerked to full attention.

           A massive marauder dressed in unique heavy armor, tossed three warriors away with his war hammer in pursuit of me. Me. A circlet atop his crown. Bones and jewels. It dawned on me suddenly as my fellow allies tried and failed to lunge at him, what I had done.

           I’d taken their Queen. The heart of their commander.

           Three strikes, I thought.

           “Check,” I gasped silently. “Shit.”

           In my shock, I realized I hadn’t moved so he hit me full force with the back of his gauntlet; my body tossed back into a tree with a sickening crack. It splintered like a toothpick against me before I rolled across snow and branches. Swiping up my fallen weapons, I sheathed them and ran backward towards the clouds of smoke along the forest while he advanced.

           “I’m going to gut you, whore!” His sick threat echoed and I jumped up onto a tree. The smoke and thick branches concealed me before I lunged into another and then a third. In my desperation, I covered my mouth and shook. “Where are you!” He raged, hacking a tree down with one hit of his weapon. I imagined my bones would break all the same.

            Think, damn it!

           My mind swirled with different possibilities. Different endings to this. They all were bleak. I moved pieces around in my head as if I wasn’t impulsive at heart. I wanted to be more like Loki and here was my chance. Stop and think. Pawn. Knight. Bishop. Rook. King. Queen.

           This King would take me.

           I imagined myself hiding longer. He’d find me eventually and split my head open to paint the snow in my brains.

           I cannot hide.

           Perhaps, I’d try to surprise him with a well-placed stab to the back. He’d grab me from it and rip my head from my shoulders. Probably mount it on a spike.

           I cannot attack.

           I could dash out of here and go deeper into the forest. But, I was bleeding and frozen. I wouldn’t get far. One swipe to take me down and fifty more to smash my heart until his need for revenge subsided.

           I cannot run.

           I could stay here but just long enough for help to find me. He’d catch me with a blade to my throat. Slash it in front of my loved ones. Plow into them next.

           I cannot wait.

           “I’ll find you!” He raged and my head spun.

           Breathe. It’s going to be all right but you are running so low on time. Tones swirled to protect me all through my brain. Guardians of my own design and their voices in my head curled along my ears.

           Running out of time.

           You have to hurry.

           Hurry. Yes.

           You don’t have any other option.

           No. No options. No, I don’t.

           What is the only other thing you can do?

           One choice. The only means to survival.

           Think! You cannot run, wait, hide, attack, or surprise.

           Yes, I understand.

           You must do it. You must take the King.

           I will take the King.

           You have to do it. One action. One blow. One move. 

            Go.

           “I have to kill him. One strike.” My murmur didn’t carry above the wind and in one motion, I jumped clear over him. He roared and hit the ground with his hammer before chasing after me. Hair flew out. My lungs burned with ice as I sprinted across battle, dodging and jumping over weapons and warriors.

           I caught sight of salvation. 

           Many finally noticed my attacker when he charged through enemies and allies to get to me. Away from the heat of battle, I slid down into ice covering the vast pool below the waterfall. He was growing closer, lifting his weapon when he cornered me at the frozen falls. I could see my terrified reflection and his furious one just behind me. Waiting.

           So many died but I was alive. I stared at myself. Tried to reason why. I saw him again closing in. 

           The King sliding to take the opposite Queen. Face him. I turned and didn’t close my eyes when the killing blow came down and missed me completely.

           Distantly, glass shattered across time. Across space. Dodging to the side, I watched his hammer go straight into the ice. It crashed through and sent fractures in all directions before he paused in shock. In fury.

           My spar with Herlof danced around my brain as I started to hyperventilate from the cold. Win. He began to tug at his trapped weapon. With my vision blurring, I drove my dagger into the back of his thigh. Slicing open the right artery, blood spilled from his leg while I slipped and fell to crawl away from him. 

           A scream vibrated the ice around me before he yanked his weapon out and the fractals grew, the biggest soared all the way up the stilled falls. Splitting the ice apart. This made him pause as he eyed me with pure hate and grabbed his wound, gritting his teeth.

           “Ngh-No…” he seethed, cracks formed around his feet. I slid away in a hurry, bracing for the impact. 

           Water began to trickle in through perfectly opened fissures before the cracks split in one motion. Freezing cold water crashed above us and began to fall. With the waterfall awakening, I jogged to escape but merely slipped on ice. Skidding to haul myself out of the pit.

           Didn’t think this far.

           Not helpful.

           I’m going to die.

           The commander began stumbling toward me, bleeding out while water rained down on him and the pools began to crack apart. Instead of falling through, he drove his handle into the ice as a means to keep himself up. Wanting me.

           My hands were wet and completely numb when I tried to crawl out and he fell through completely. This man was not letting death take him. He struggled and used the ice around him to get closer to me. Wading near.

           I felt my lungs quake and couldn’t feel the snow. My heartbeat slowed as I began to weaken, nails scraping against dirt and ice. The falls misted me with water as he shook erratically and went under again. Finally, I screamed a sound that barely carried above the battle. Clawing. Fighting so hard.

           “You’re…dead,” he croaked, rowing toward me with his hammer. Pressed against the short cliff, I watched him try to lift his weapon once more before a beam of red flashed across my eyes. There was a mighty crack and my body jolted, eyes pressing closed. Warm blood splashed my face. Shaken, I opened them again to watch my attempted killer jerk back into the water for good; revealing Thor behind him with Mjolnir covered in blood and intestines.

           “I did it,” I chuckled weakly, stepping toward Thor. “Checkmate.” Metal dripped down the back of my throat. Falling forward, I let Thor catch me before I could tumble into the dark depths around me.

           “You did this…” Thor marveled before he realized my declining state. Swept me up like a hero. “Focus. Stay with me.” Flying upward, he came into the snow and knelt before the ended battle. Another victory for us. Was that what I was feeling? Victorious? “Healers!”

           “I’m…okay…” I caught my breath and came away from him to rest on my hands and knees. I should be happy and proud. I successfully defended my home. More enemies would come and we would rise up to defend our realm. Be happy, my parent’s voices created a chorus in my head. You’re never happy, just get over yourself and feel pride.

            Why?

           I thought I would feel different.

           My father would never kiss me on the head and tell me that he would always love me and that he was proud.

           My mother would never allow me to feel what I was feeling and hold me. She’d never chase my monsters away.

           I would never feel good enough.

           Nothing connected in my head and told me that I was worthy. Told me why I was alive. 

           “The leaders. Where are they?” A warrior asked when many gathered around us. A pair of hands grabbed at my shoulders and I had to let the healer force a warming tonic into my mouth.

           “Dead.” I rasped after pushing my helper away so they could tend to someone else.

           “How?” A few inquired at the same time and Thor opened his mouth to speak but I cut over him, pointing.

           “It was all Thor…” I couldn’t catch my breath. “I was foolish to challenge him on my own. That beastly leader. But, Prince Thor came and fought him off in an epic battle for the ages. He was so brave. The credit is all his…he saved me. I’d be dead…were it not for Thor. Our heir. Our hero.” 

           I pushed another healer from me and grabbed Thor’s wrist. He stared at me, expression etched in confusion as I lifted his hand into the air. Asgardians cheered and gathered around us. I left Thor there to bask in boons I could not indulge in and squeezed through the crowds. Clutching my bleeding shoulder, I fell to my knees a few yards away as Thor was lifted into the air and praised behind me.

           Three strikes. Three cheers. Never-ending glory for Asgard.

           I fantasized about turning into a black hole. Using snow to wipe the blood from my face, I lingered there to catch my breath. Lingered there hoping the stars would connect. Closing my eyes, I inhaled sharper and pushed the urge to cry away. I would keep these moments for myself. Pride didn’t follow. 

           Something heavy fell over my shoulders, breaking my daze so I turned my head to see Loki next to me while his cloak warmed. He stood tall, dignified somewhat despite just having been in a terrible battle. Clasping his hands, he puffed a cold exhale and didn’t look at me. Upset somehow. An intense ferocity he rarely directed at me during these early days.

           “You might believe that no one in this realm notices you. But, I see you. I see you, I always have.” His voice grew harsh. I sat there kneeling next to him and didn’t drop my gaze. “I saw you, damn it. I will not ask you why you did what you did. Why you lied back there.”

           “Loki.”

           “Nor will I reveal the truth if that bloody sets you at ease. But, you will not dare ever do something as self-destructive and foolish as to give credit to another when it belongs to you.” His head cocked away from me. "I can't watch you spend these pieces of yourself, fine you may not get them back."

           “Loki, please-”

           “I’m also pleased that you’re not dead,” he crossed in front of me and stalked off. 

           Standing, I held Loki’s cloak closer and gazed back at them all celebrating Thor. The pride of Asgard. Crowned jewel in the house of Odin. Snow fell peacefully against my face when I pressed my lips and walked from them. I was alive and I was always asking why. If there were an answer, I'd wait for it.

           Following after Loki’s quick steps, I watched him speed up as if he sensed me which caused me to hurry. My shoulder was bleeding still onto his perfect cloak and I began to chase after him; away from the others. Away from all of this. Loki hopped into a vehicle alone and I had to jump over the side before it could take off without me. 

           “Not staying to celebrate?” Black hair fluttered in the wind. He stared ahead of us.

           “They are…” I groaned and propped myself up on the floor. Still, he didn’t look at me. “They’re going to celebrate for weeks. I’m sure I’ll see some of it.”

           “I’m dropping you off at our nearest camp.”

           “I’m riding home with you. You’re angry with me.”

           “You don’t want to be stuck in a vehicle with me while I’m upset with you.” He sniffed the air. “And your bleeding has not stopped.”

           “It stopped…mostly. I'd still rather be with you.” I watched Loki huff aloud before he turned his sight to me and jerked one of the levers to set it on auto-pilot.

           “You’re in the early stages of hypothermia and yet it is your wish to stay here.”

           “I am fine.” I insisted for what felt like the millionth time. The words were starting to sound funny. “The cloak helps a lot.”

           “Still.” Loki tilted his head and sighed before coming down to my side. Above us, cold wind rushed by as he carefully wrapped the cloak tighter around me and uncovered just my wounded shoulder. “How did you come to challenge the leader? You would not do it on purpose.”

           “I killed the person he loved. She challenged me and I took her down… I didn’t know until I heard his screams. You don’t scream like that for just anyone.” Unsettled, we stared at each other. I let Loki push a pouch into my hands.

           “It’s water. Drink it all.” He searched his things for a healing stone and crushed it into my shoulder without warning me.

           “Ah! Damn it, Loki!” I muffled a curse into the fur lining of his cloak.

           “Drink.” Undaunted. Ruefully, I popped the top off and gulped down fresh water. “Gods, your clothing is soaked.” Loki muttered a spell to dry me and lifted a seat up to pull three fur blankets out. Cocooning my body, he shifted next to me and stared silently at the controls for a moment. When I nudged his arm with my head, he lifted it and pressed me into his side so I could put my cheek on his collar. “I’m still angry with you.”

           “Yes, I can hear your heart speeding, it sounds furious,” my joke caused him to smirk. "You can be angry, I'd still rather be right here." 

           “What happened next?”

           “He went berserk and chased me into the forest.” I observed. “I knew I couldn’t rationally fight him…so I trapped him. Picked up a few tips from spars…and certain tricksters I won’t name.”

           “You’ve been talking to other tricksters behind my back?” His show of humor set me at ease while he held me. “I’m offended now.”

           “I just can’t win with you today,” I shrugged. “He shattered the waterfall and broke the ice around us, gave me the chance to stab him. Same way my weapon got trapped in that spar. He was dead then but his soul refused to leave his body without taking me too. Thor showed up when he was sinking and, in a way, finished him. The cold was overcoming me and he brought me to safety.” 

           Loki went silent for another beat.

           “Father’s going to enjoy your lie better than the truth when we arrive home.”

           “Asgard will enjoy it as a whole. Heir prince single-handedly executes leader. Much better than a simple peasant woman accidentally fighting and killing him with ice and freezing cold water.” I added. "A mere fluke."

           “Not to me.” Loki shifted and looked down at me when I turned to wind my arms around his torso. “Clever fox. I told you so.”

           “I know.”

           “What are you doing?” He brought the many furs back over me and had to cover himself as well.

           “I lied today so I have to balance it out with a truth.”

           “I am afraid that is not quite how it works,” he chuckled, hand coming to touch my arm, squeezing when his other pressed to my back. “Rest.”

           “Can I give you something?” I asked instead, eyes flickering over his dirtied face. Loki shuddered, as if his heart whispered my desires already. Fingers clutched at his armor.

           “What?”

           “I want to give you a small truth first. I want to give you something that was taken from me because you are my friend.” Shaken, I reached up to touch just under his cheekbone where a light bruise had formed. “I trust you and in my life that means more than…” 

           “I know." He relieved me. "I do.”

           The words fell away. So far away. I quieted myself before I said too much. Leaning up toward him, I watched him draw forward but stop and place his hand on my temple. Fingers shifted into my hair before his thumb traced a line along my cheek.

           “You’re tired, frozen…and not thinking properly.”

           “Two out of three,” tears filled my eyes before I sniffed and pressed my face into his chest. “I know exactly what I want, Loki. I’ve known since I held that spell in my palms. Maybe longer. You know too. You do.”

           “You must rest,” Loki reasoned and his hand didn’t leave my head before a wave of fatigue washed over me. That magical influence washed along my flesh. Into my marrow.

           “Just do it,” I sighed. “Before you do. I need to know… Are you angry with me for not taking credit that should have been mine…or for giving that credit to Thor?” 

           Loki pressed his lips and twitched like he might cry. But, he didn’t. His face was perfect marble. A lock of black hair like ink fell into his face. Tenderly, I tucked it back for him, cupping his face so he'd look intent at my eyes. Pleading. 

           “Both. I can say from the depths of my heart…that I am angrier with the former. Years ago, it may be the latter. But, today. Right now. This moment. The first makes me angrier and I am compromised by that.” Loki turned his head sharply to gather himself before he looked back and continued. “You’re better than that.”

           “Am I?” I swallowed and tried not to sound bitter. “How do you know? Because you see me? Because you believe I’m this good girl? The sweet girl who tumbled behind you all for years, hoping for a shred of talent and grace.”

           “Good?” Loki chuckled at that. Thrilled. “By Valhalla, no. What you did today was ugly. Impressive though. You’re one of my closest friends and that means you’ll do something ugly toward me one day perhaps. Friend implies comfort and comfort implies no more pretending. You’ll get comfortable enough to hurt me, sweetheart. In truth, I may return the favor.”

           “Will you forgive me?”

           “Yes.” Loki about grinned. “Always. I always will.” I felt Loki’s fingers shift to the back of my skull and, gods, I was so tired.

           “Who are you comfortable enough with to hurt, Loki?” I asked, eyes heavy. “Me?”

           “Oh, yes.” Loki cocked his head. “I’m compromised, you see, because I have to beg the Norns that I will not. Foolish to wish on fallen stars. I’m certain that they simply burst into horrid cackles at that… Rest.” He willed to me in a murmur so I held to his chest, body growing further tired under his influence. Lips touched my hair. I felt him inhale and moved to look up. Right into his eyes.

           “Hurt me.” I begged, gentle and sincere, so Loki cradled the back of my head to bring me closer before he tilted to kiss my forehead for a lingering speck of time. I breathed him in and then I was gone when sleep took me so very far away. Into my dreams where I could be a savior. Where I could be a queen worthy of this game.

           Where the pieces of my life came together and made perfect sense.

           And I wouldn't ask why.

Chapter Text

           “We’re here,” a voice had called to me, hours later. Wind rustling with each tone. “We’re home.”

           Lifting my head, I rubbed my eyes and realization hit me when I saw the palace gleam beyond the trees. Loki had put distance between us. Curled up across from him now seated next to the controls, my chest sank. That distance seemed to pool when our eyes met. Fixing clothing and hair, I scanned crowds of returning warriors. Greeting family and being tended by healers along snowy fields near the training grounds. The velvety cloak shifted as I wobbled up on my legs, our barge touched down. 

           “Mother…” Loki gasped, all tenderness, before passing me to get out. Frigga raced to take him into her arms. Skirts and robes flitting behind her same as ocean waves. Loki became a boy again, swept up in his mother's arms despite being much taller.

           “I’m surprised you didn’t stay back with Thor longer,” she kissed his cheek and came out. “But I’m happier that you’re home with me.” 

           Awkward, I got out and watched the many reunions. Neck craning because I was too hopeful. Families rushing and embracing. Laughing because we survived another bout. Stronger than ever.

           My mother and father were not in sight. Something collapsed under my skin. Shattering. Molten rocks fell against the earth behind my eyes. Shuffling unsteady feet, I backed away slow in my tattered armor with Loki’s cloak still wrapped around my shoulders. 

           “Where do you think you are going?” Frigga’s stern tone caught me before I turned only to be embraced. The Queen, smelling of spring flowers, squeezed me in. Uncaring that I was dirty and not hers. 

           “My Queen, I-”

           “Frigga.” She had to correct me. Shaken, arms lifted to return the hug. My exhale quivered out. “I’m so proud of you. I know your mother is as well.” Frigga held my face and kissed cold cheeks. “You fought well, I heard. Heimdall had…so very much to say. Come now, let me look you over near the healer’s tent.” Unable to refuse, I let her sit me down on a tall cot and check for lingering wounds. “Loki, you as well.”

           “Mother.” He cleared his throat, eyes shifted aside.

           “Sit down, young man.” Frigga’s word was law because Loki slid next to me and let his mother’s fuss over him. When I smirked, he shot me a look that caused me to snort and cover my mouth. “You both should be fine. A little warmth and a home cooked meal should do you. Loki, your father is eager to speak with you.”

           “Right,” Loki shifted after Frigga kissed his temple and moved to speak with head healer, Elisif. A willowy beauty of a dark skinned woman with the sharp eyes of a tigress. The prince paused to see my face. “Take care of yourself until I see you again.”

           “Yes,” I agreed, hands gripping my knees. “You as well.”

           “You did well, you know. Regardless of anything else. Allow yourself some pride.” Loki rose to his feet, hand touching mine as he went. “Fandral will likely return your things to you from camp.”

           “All right,” I whispered. He shifted to go and I caught Frigga casting him a glance he didn’t notice. I wished I knew what she was thinking but she shook her head and turned back to Elisif. Healers busied around them. Ladies mostly in matching robes of pale blue. 

           “Loki, wait,” I remembered his cloak and rushed toward him, pulling it from my shoulders. Snow crunched under brown boots. He stared at me and put a hand out. “You forgot this.”

           “Keep it.” Loki cast me a somber look so I hardened myself.

           “I can’t.” I trembled at him. You know I cannot. “It’s lovely but I can’t.” He didn’t want my gift earlier. I tried and he didn’t want it.

           But, that’s okay. We had what we had and that was fine. The world still spun same as always. I was just tired of stumbling along it.

           “Come now, I want you to have it.” He pushed it toward me but I didn’t bend this time.

           “Thank you, but I can’t keep this. Please.” I stiffened and held it toward him like it may try to burn me. “Loki, I don’t need your charity. Please, take it.” My hands shook when he pulled the fabric from me, unblinking and utterly confused. His turn to watch my back as I went off.

           Unable to muster up any more words, I dropped my head and turned in a hurry from him to rush away. Wanting to be far from here, I set my path and readied for my next battle. The windchill couldn't touch me. 

           My mother met me at the bridge and hugged me with words of how she loved and missed me. I held her tightly and wished I was a little girl again. Wished again for ocean waves and spring flowers. Friends around her fussed and shot off questions before Mother pulled me off.

           “You’re a mess. Let’s get you cleaned up now, darling,” she guided me toward home. Music could be heard in all the pubs already. Festivities alight in blood that was still warm. “Are you going out tonight to celebrate with friends?”

           “I’m…not sure. We didn’t talk about that.” When I saw our front door, I stopped and she looked back in question. Heart shuddering. Walking into my own home was more difficult than marching into a bloodied battle. That much was clear. 

           Before she could speak, the door opened and Father descended the steps to greet me with a tight embrace. Shocked, I didn’t hug back and he was talking at me like nothing happened. Petting curls aside to cup my jaw.

           “Let’s celebrate,” he got us inside, beckoning Mother along. Jilted, I pressed near a wall in the kitchen, but his hand never left my shoulder. Fingers pushed down and locked in place. I grew petrified. A vinegary stink lingering in the thick air. “Why not fetch us a fresh pie from the bakery? Get her favorite. Whatever it is.” 

           Oh gods. I knew then that his goal was just to get me alone. And mother always made that so easy.

           “I can go with!” I quivered, inching forth before the iron hand applied pressure.

           My mother looked at me. I begged her not to leave me alone with him. She saw it in my eyes. So, she looked away. She always looked away when I needed her. 

           “Nonsense, you must relax. Have a seat. I want to hear all about it.” My father grinned at me and tucked some hair behind my ear. I didn’t move. “Go.” His order caused my mother to shift to go out after he’d tossed a pouch of silver coins at her to pay with. The second the door closed, he chuckled and looked at me before grabbing my jaw to slam me into the wall. “You think you’re funny, don’t you?”

           “What is funny about bringing honor and glory to our name, father?” My expression of amusement caused him to repeat the action. Harder this time. Old paint chipped against my hair. The wall caved in against my skull and I saw stars burst. 

           Lips mashed shut to not let him hear the pain he’d caused me. He didn’t deserve it. Aches from the battle wailed under my skin.

           “I am your father. You will respect that.” When he turned, I blurted out my next words. Unhinging to remember that girl in battle. The same girl who rejected his axe. The same girl standing here before him.

           “How can I when you have never acted as one? Can’t harm mother but have at me all you will. War and training hides your handiwork. I marched with the princes my first battle, you barely escaped the back lines.” My fingers curled into fists as I braced to be hit but he just turned to see me. Hands smacked by my head and I flinched.

           “I fed you. Clothed you. Kept a damn roof over your head. Led you to be great and this is the thanks I get?” His tone sank. Dangerous. “You’re going to obey. You’re going to get our family out of this gutter by my command even if it means I tell you to fuck every man on the royal council. So smile and tell me you love me. Tell me you're mine. Understand?” My father got his arms around me and gave my bottom a squeeze. I pushed at him, lungs seizing when his body was flush against mine. 

           My words drowned. 

           “You’re not eating the sweets today. Feels like you don’t need them. I hope war chisels you out.” He shoved me back into the wall and I slipped to the floor. Rage curled into my stomach as I stared at the ground but this time, I exhaled calmer and braced my hands against the wood. I felt had so little to lose.

           “Prince Thor and I grew so very close on this trip…he took care of me.” This stopped my father in his tracks. Boots shifted back toward me. Lips opened to puff and heave. “I was so very cold. But, he was warm…at night…in my bed. Against my body.” 

           “Whore! Selling yourself to the prince so he'd bid your name!” Lashing out, Father kicked me in the stomach this time with enough force to yank the air from my lungs. My body began to spasm as I tried to breathe even through the armor. He knew he'd gone too far.

           “Shit,” Father muttered to himself before coming to my level. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I missed you. I did. Just tense because you were gone so long.” He hushed me and yanked me to my feet as I held myself and groaned in pain. Unable to speak because I couldn't breathe. “You’re fine. See. Walk.” 

           He began petting my hair and kissing my face. Tending to me like I was a wounded animal. Mumbling empty apologies. 

           “Walk. Go to your room and rest. Tell your mother you’re tired and you need it.” Unable to speak, I stumbled against the wall and felt my way to my room. After closing the door, I fell to my knees and gulped for air. Hacked and coughed, greedily trying to get air into my lungs. My forehead tipped against the loose floorboard, empty now because of all I was trying to leave behind me. 

           Unsteady, I had to lock my door when the fear that he would force his way in gripped at me. My tender stomach ached as I pulled off my clothing and armor pieces before getting into bed. Sleep came after two potions.

           Was this how heroes were supposed to feel?

           Is that what I was?

           No. Not yet.

** ** **

           Darkness crept when someone knocked on my window, beckoning my tired form to get up. I put a robe over my underclothes and recognized the knock before Fandral’s face smiled from the other side of the glass. Lighting a candle, I opened the window and he leaned against the side to whisper.

           “Greetings, pretty lady, you come here often?” His charms caused my face to go flat as I touched the sore spot on my stomach.

           “To my own bedroom? Nay.” I joked so he set my bag in the window.

           “You rushed off in a hurry.” He commented. Batting his lashes. “Come, the celebrations have only just begun.”

           “I think I’m going to stay in for tonight.” I ran my fingers over the canvas. “Battle is draining, you see. How’s Volstagg?”

           “He’s back to his old self. Might take a bit for his beard to fully grow in again. Still able to put back his share of ale.”

           “Well, I’m glad he’s back to doing what’s important in life.” I beamed to wink. “I didn’t get to see the famous dashing Fandral in action much.”

           “You couldn’t handle the dashing Fandral in action.” Fandral chuckled before he considered it. “Apologies, it’s difficult to say that without me sounding sexual.”

           “You? Sexual? Never.” I rolled my eyes, arms crossing over the ledge. “Fandral the untouched is more like it.”

           “Gods, please do not spread any such rumor.”

           “But,” innocence crossed my expression, “I’ve already created the posters and now I have to get rid of them.”

           “Very funny.” He put his hand above me, leaning in. A grin cocked. “Sure you don’t want to enjoy the first of many parties?”

           “No, thank you, I’m certain that I’ll be dragged to a few.”

           “All right, just know that the others asked about you.” He touched my hand and I smiled.

           “Let them know that I am fine and I hope they enjoy the nightlife.” I sighed. “You as well. I’ll join later. Still processing things.”

           “Take care, my sweet lady.”

           “You too…you dashing, untouched, stable boy fantasy of a man.” My jest caused him to laugh aloud before he covered his mouth.

           “This is why I’ll handle the nicknames.” Fandral kissed my knuckles sweetly and slipped his fingers from mine. “Farewell.”

           “Goodnight,” I watched him go and raised my candle. 

           The flame danced before my face gracefully so I lifted my eyes to the stars and blew it out. Darkness caressed the world. After closing the window, I checked the locks on my door. Tried to breathe easier.

           I defied my father. The worst thing a daughter could do. 

           He would lash out and strike back but he would make me wait. Oh yes, my father would torture me with time. Terrifying stares over the dinner table. Might even try to convince me that he has a touch of compassion, a soft spot in his heart only for me. But, he would take that away only when my eyes showed belief in such things.

           The worst thing a father could do.

** ** **

           Still, I never saw the axe again. I wouldn’t until father wanted me to. Celebrations lasted for weeks after. I indulged in a few late nights of silence while my friends excitedly told stories around me. Enjoyed the lights and music. The twinkling stars and grand meals. Neither Thor or Loki approached me, not that I gave them much a chance to. 

           Time reeled when a letter arrived. My first share of wages from his majesty. Mine came with a note and a few extra coins.

           An extra boon so that my story from battle never changed. Thor was the hero and I was a humble budding warrior. Invisible. Asgard could spin on with that story. Briefly, I wondered if Odin trusted his sons. Trusted that Thor could rise to that throne. But, the bribe stuck with me. I never told anyone.

           I dropped the extra coin given to me in the mailbox of a man who had lost his wife in that battle. Felt dirty to keep it. I was given my fair wages. I didn’t need more. Something about King Odin shifted in my heart that hour. Something small that would nag me later down the line. I tried to rationalize it. Tried. Asgard painted itself with so many glittering colors, it was easy to be awed to blindness by them.

           Thor cast me looks of confusion but I didn’t allow him to get me alone to ask the question I knew had been plaguing his mind. I wondered if he lost sleep over it. I bet that I had become an ache he had at night or in the early hours of the morning. 

           My father remained civil. He smiled upon seeing my face and always made it a point to put his hands on me. My shoulder. My cheek. He became the expert on separating me from my mother. She worked often and it wasn’t as if she wanted to be in the same room as her husband. So, she avoided my eyes and left me to handle him. 

           I wondered if they ever liked each other. I wondered if they liked me.

           I hoped they did.

           “Come here before you go, darling, I have something to show you.” My father coaxed another morning. “Sit.” When I silently seated myself on the opposite side of the sofa, he scooted closer in an instant. “I’ve realized that perhaps I haven’t been fair or clear to you.”

           “Oh.” My fingers contorted when I clasped them in my lap. He opened a case on the table and that cursed axe smiled at me from it.

           “I’d like to talk about what’s important. You. Your mother. Everything I do is to keep you on the right path.”

            On your leash.

           “I know,” I tensed when his hand laid upon my thigh and squeezed. My heart jolted.

           “It’s not fair.” He muttered and I didn’t know what he was referring to. “It was better, you know, when you were young.” 

           I tried to figure what he meant but feared the possibility, the truth of it all, could kill me. Again. His fingers began to hurt as they dug into my skin but I knew not to move. Knew not to make a sound.

           “This axe was my first. Given to me by my father. It never failed me. Not like you did weeks ago.” He sniffed and I realized that he was crying when he turned to me. The hand that squeezed my thigh came to rest on the back of my neck. “You’re my little girl. I just want you to know how lucky you are to have so many blessings I did not. I love you and I wanted to be a part of you. That's all I've ever wanted.” 

           He kissed my cheek and I closed my eyes tighter. 

           “Why don’t you want me to be with you? Why did you have to grow up? You developed so early into a woman, fattened up. The other men liked to see you. Your chest spilled out of your tunics. Your hips would sway and I caught them looking at you when you bent over. I was so embarrassed of it all. You don't want me to feel that way, do you? You don't want me to be in your life? You never tried to be mine, I've spent myself trying for you.” He lamented that as if growing up was my fault. My mistake.

           “I can't help what I-I… It isn’t that…” I was crying now too. Unable to stop. “I’m no good with that weapon, dad. I'm trying so hard, I don't know what else I can do.”

           “You will,” he hardened himself once I was emotional. “You can train and listen and if you just put in some damned effort-”

           “Please-” Unable to speak, I shook my head and he hushed me.

           “You’ll have to use it now, I suppose. I already took care of your sword.”

           “…What?” Eyes wide, I tried to get up from the couch but he grabbed my hair to keep me in place. “Ah!”

           “Apologize for being a terrible, ungrateful child.” He wanted me to be that little girl again. Submissively trailing after him.  

           “What did you do to-?” I cried when he yanked harder so I wept harder. “I’m sorry!” My hands latched to his wrist to get him to loosen his grip. Tears pooling down my nose. “Give them back, please.”

           “This is your future. I am your future. Look! Why can’t you just be normal! Damn it!” He smashed the side of my head against the table. “Nod.”

           Sputtering, I did. Cheek hot on the table surface. 

           “If you want your sword back, you’ll have to take a swim. You know where. Oh, I forgot. You can’t.” His other hand was on my thigh to keep me from kicking. Father squeezed my tender skin and I sobbed finally, face crumbling. Everything crumbling. 

           The sounds of the door unlocking caused him to jolt before he ripped me up by the hair and crushed my face into his chest. Shaking and sobbing, my breaths short as panic gripped me. Unable to speak or ground myself. Hands flapping out. Non verbal.  

           “What happened?” My mother’s soft gasp sounded and I couldn’t speak still. My father smothered and hushed me with sweet words. I might have let him kill me. 

           “There, there… Let it out.” He rubbed my head. “She lost her sword and dagger in the pond today. Her friend’s gifts. Accident. But, I’ve assured her that I’m not mad and it doesn’t matter. She has my axe now. Right, darling?” He took my face in his hands and stared until I nodded, lip quivering. “Here, feel better.” 

           Father pushed the axe into my shaken hands and stood to kiss my mother. My fingers curled around the handle and she glanced at me with a look that let on more than it should have. But, it wasn’t as if she could or would do anything.

            Mother, help me.

           To hell with them both.

           “I’ll make you both something,” my mother began and he shifted to pass her as I stood. A numb and manic motion. Wild in the eyes.

            Do it.

           No, stop and think.

           Do it now.

           It doesn’t matter if we live or die.

           Yes, it does.

           Just kill him.

           Mother caught my face when my father’s back turned and I lifted the axe without thinking before she rushed forward to subtly grab its handle. Time stilling. My daze broke before I glanced at her and lowered my shoulders. She looked at me and for a flicker of her small life, saw me for what I was. But, that star died in her eyes.

           Seeing it perish brought this sensation over me. The raw urge to howl with laughter in her face. 

           “I’ll wield it proudly in your name, father.” I dropped it into its case. “For now, I have somewhere to be.”

           “Not hungry?” Mother asked but I had grabbed a thin cloak and rushed out the door. I knew where he stashed it and it pained me. Surprised he was sober enough to remember, though he's taunted me about it before. My fear of deep waters.  

           My legs trembled as I jogged toward a pond I almost drowned in once as a child through melted snow. My parents tried to teach me to swim in it one summer and forced me. It didn't work. Sometimes I woke still weighted down, unable to inhale. 

           Trees lined the area and the road was just beyond them. I could see footprints and a hole in the thin ice where they must have landed and floated to the bottom. 

           Don’t do this.

           I was a fool.

           Stop.

           Stupid girl.

           It doesn’t matter.

           Sliding carefully down the hill, I grabbed to a thick root at the bottom of a tree and tried to lean my body over to see. The water whistled too dark. Frustration gripping, I further craning my neck before there was a snap and I hit the freezing pond full force. Ice shattered out with my gasp. I coughed on water and flailed my arms to grab onto something. Cold fractures had me slipping around and I went under once before kicking to come back up. Terror gripped my heart and I began to shout, my body in a complete frenzy.

           “Help!” I managed to lift up onto some thicker ice but it was cracking. The cold shook all the way to my bones. Had my nerves screaming. Senses in complete hysteria. “Help me!” Forced under by suction, I tried to swim to the edge but I wasn’t going anywhere.

            Calm down.

           I couldn’t. My body became stone, the water pressured my limbs until they couldn't work. I splashed and panicked and that didn’t end when two hands yanked me from the water. My scream erupted into windchill. Sobbing, I kicked and screamed and fought who held me until they took my face.

           “You’re safe now!” Hogun was looking at me. Fistfuls of his tunic in my grip. “I got you, my friend. You’re safe.” Sound cut. Shivering, I stared at him with black liner dripping from my eyes like smeared war paint. He wiped my cheeks on his sleeve.

           “My sword,” I cried, “it’s gone.” 

           Hogun glanced from my eyes to the lake and propped me up while I clung to him. I almost pulled away, but he tucked my head under his chin like he would a child to console them. Must be missing his family on Vanaheim. Stoic, Hogun held me to him to let me weep and dig my fingers into his shoulders. I felt at his armored pieces, scales of metal, feather light under my fingertips.

           “There will be other swords.” He replied gently, coming out to see my eyes. I realized a few strangers had gathered behind him. “Medic.” All of them moved at once but one dashed toward me and knelt down. “You’re okay. You are lucky this time. I was escorting new healers to the palace to work under the queen from a distant village. This one heard you.” 

           The young woman who knelt looked my age about with black hair and glinting, dark eyes. Sparkling at me. Her features were beautifully reminiscent of Hogun’s but her skin was a stunning shade of brown. 

           Eyes flashed upon seeing the light catch her. This healer looked like she was made of the sun itself. We locked gazes and she froze up as if she was nervous. My eyes drew wider at the sight of her, awed. An ethereal, glowy halo outlined her crown. The most beautiful woman I'd ever seen. 

           My lips parted without sound. She reached out to take my face and heal a bruise I didn’t know I had. Delicate teal light engulfed her hands; brown eyes staring into mine. 

           “Who are you?” I breathed softer before I could stop myself. Wishing I knew the dreams she must have strolled out of. 

           “I am Moira,” her voice, pure silk, reverberated and I gave her my name when she asked for it.

           “Let’s get her in the carriage. We should bring her before the palace healers. Just in case. Queen Frigga will want to ensure you’re all right.” Hogun coaxed, as another healer closed a blanket around my arms. Water dribbled from my locks. He tugged it firmly around me and thanked the boy behind me but I was staring at this woman still before she took her hands away.

           “This is my second brush with freezing to death.” I joked at last and Hogun raised a brow before tilting his lip up.

           “Let’s hope winter ends before you’ve a chance at a third time.” He got me to stand and Moira helped me with him up the hill, into the large carriage. “A sword isn’t worth your life. I’ve lost weapons. More than I’d like to count. Volstagg snapped one in half during a spar mere years ago.” Hogun tried when he saw me look out the window one last time.

           “I remember that. He apologized for weeks.” I tried to smile. “And, I know… It was an accident. It shouldn’t matter anymore. I felt bad because it was the one you all gave me. The one I fought my first battle with.” I looked down at my hands and he rubbed my arms over the blanket to warm me in the slightest. “Thank you, Hogun.”

           “Had Moira not heard you as we passed, I might not have gotten there in time.” Hogun nodded and Moira stared at me with an unreadable expression before she beamed finally at me. Her voice still mesmerizing. A hymn.

           “It must have been fate.”

** ** **

           “I know, I shouldn’t have even tried,” I swallowed and stared at the floor. Healers busied around Frigga before she took my chin to lift it. Her magic dried and mended my clothing up. “It was an accident. I might thank Hogun a million more times this week.”

           “Fortunately, you are fine.” She tucked some hair behind my ear. The bustling healing room alight with floating holographs. Massive. Open archways and high, painted ceilings. “I am sorry.”

           “About what?” I asked when she turned. Frigga flicked her eyes and panned back to me. Strange.

           “Oh? I’m sorry you had to experience that. I know how you are around the water, remember?" 

           “Yes.”

           Neither of us elaborated further on that. 

           "Why not stay here for the day? I gave you free rein of the library eons ago.” She smiled with all her grace and touched my shoulder. “Forgive me, I have to tend to my new lords and ladies. Eir and Elisif will have their hands full. Plus, we have new warriors moving into palace quarters next week.”

           “Yes, I think Fandral was interested in that round. We’ll see how long that lasts. He moves too much.”

           “He is…an adventurous one.” Frigga’s mouth twitched. Radiant as always. “Did you apply to move being that you’ve joined the ranks?”

           “Ah. Maybe next time. It's been, um... Ah, I’ll miss him around the village.” I got up from the cot and stretched. “I’ll leave you to it…maybe I will visit the library.”

           “Stay warm, dear.”

           “I will try.” I waved as Frigga cast me a lingering look and turned to go to Eir. Old paper files spread before them. Pausing when I got to the door, I cleared my throat and approached Moira. Her black hair ruffling as she searched through ingredients. Categorizing them in a glass pad.

           “I wanted to...” My hand rose and recoiled. She jumped, startled and dropped the pad in her hand on the counter before spinning to me. “Sorry!”

           “No, it’s just…this feels all so new to me.” Moira touched her lips to giggle. “My village isn’t like the royal province you could say. We’re quite far removed.”

           “A closed province? There are a few, practically at the end of our world. It's not often Asgardians leave them without reviewing the treaties. I hear there’s elves even in some but I've never seen them. You came so far to work here.”

           “The provinces stand together. I wanted to experience the rest of Asgard.” Moira smiled. “The queen is incredibly kind.”

           “Queen Frigga’s intimidating from time to time but there isn’t anyone in Asgard with a bigger heart.” I clasped my hands. “I just wanted to thank you again for today…and it was nice to meet you. Moira.”

           “Yes. It’s no issue. I’m pleased that you’re well now.” She held a shaken hand out to me, eyes steady. “Perhaps, I will see more of you.”

           “I don’t wish to brag but I end up here on occasion, I’m certain you will.” I took her hand and felt something spark against my skin. 

           Moira bid me farewell so I left the healing room and turned down the hallway to go to the library. I wiped my fingers under my eyes to ensure my face wasn't dirty for the most part and entered the quiet space. 

           Asgardians silently roamed the downstairs and spoke in hushed tones at the tables. I rolled my sleeves up and hung my cloak with the others before going up to the empty third floor. Fingers trailed over the spines of books before I picked one and found a corner in the shelves to read in. I was barely a chapter in before footsteps hurried toward me.

           “We must speak.” Thor exhaled at the end of the row so I groaned.

           “Your mother tell you?”

           “…Yes. She told me what happened and that you’d be here.” Thor shuffled his feet in a motion that was unlike him. “Are you all right?”

           “Yes. Much warmer now.” I paused and couldn’t help my somber tone. “I lost my sword…I’m sorry.”

           “No. I’ve lost and broken my share of weapons. Fortunately, I now have an indestructible one that comes when called.” Thor’s attempt at humor caused me to brighten before I spoke.

           “Does she know…about what happened with the marauders?”

           “Of course, mother knows most things before I do…though I did tell her.” Thor swallowed and approached. “Might I sit with you?”

           “It’s your palace,” I smirked and he relaxed. “But, even you have to keep your voice down in the library.” Someone had begun to play the piano smoothly downstairs with a harpist joining in. Music swelled up in the air.

           “Right,” Thor slipped to sit next to me in our hidden corner. “Apologies for interrupting your book.”

           “I’ve read this one before.” I shrugged and he gestured toward the novel.

           “I have as well,” the prince slipped the book from my hands to see the cover. “It’s a great one. Always enjoyed the part where she's granted her new name. Becomes a force to be reckoned with.”

           “Yes, and the stones of magic,” I smiled as he set it next to him, "her new allies in the second half were compelling too." Thor nodded and held back his question so I exhaled. “Can I ask you something?”

           “Stalling my questions?” He beamed. Sunny as ever. A nod followed. “Go on.”

           “Why did you draw my name personally? Was it our friendship? My lack of means?”

           “I have other reasons.” Thor began, arms perched on his knees when he brought them up. “We all knew it was your time. You proved it in every spar I monitored. Win or lose. You pushing yourself up. Bloodied and sore. Every single time. It’s my duty to oversee our warriors with Father's generals. Few display the qualities you do. I drew your name because you earned it yourself.”

           My eyes peered from his, teeth edged into my lip before I accepted. So blunt. Cheeks prickling with heat.

           “You can ask, Thor.”

           “Why did you lie? I finished that beast of a man off but you…” Thor shook his head. “I might owe it to you. Chance encounter or not, I...you didn't need me. Not at all. I'm not sure how to make it right.”

           “You don't need to. I guess I didn’t want…or think that someone like me deserved…” I winced and leaned back against the books as Thor peered at me. “So much led up to that moment. Me on a real battlefield. Away from our villages. Doing what I always thought I was destined to do. I thought everything would change. Like magic.” 

           When I turned to gaze back to Thor’s face and I realized he was listening rather intently. Eyes flickering so I continued. 

            “I was wrong.” Dark browns glazed for one fleeting second. Honesty followed. “Do you ever stare at your life and feel…shortchanged. I understand it often isn’t as you imagine it. But, how you feel and how you think you’re supposed to feel…it just never lines up. It’s frustrating.”

           “Mother and father always tell me that expectations are dangerous. As if I listen.”

           “I thought that I would feel…proud…and that perhaps something in my life might change. But, it didn’t. I’m just lost. I’m questioning everything. I'm not the warrior I should be and I want more. I don’t know what makes me happy, it feels far away and I’m afraid to touch it. I want to impress those around me and when I receive positivity, affection, I get too awkward about it. I can't enjoy it. I'm left in my regrets. And I’m spilling my guts to the future King of Asgard.”

           “You can spill your guts to me when I’m King,” Thor shrugged. “Metaphorically, of course.” He nudged my shoulder with his buff one and I let myself smile. “Think I won’t be your friend when I am King?”

           “Maybe,” I fiddled with a strand of my hair and chuckled.

           “As for not knowing what to do… I believe few here do. They fake it until they figure it out. You’re lucky. To not have a set path ahead of you. In a way, there could be freedom you’ve not known before. You might not feel it now. But, after that clever maneuvering with the waterfall…I don’t doubt that you’ll burn a path for yourself. That woman I see on the training grounds picking herself back up, I’m still betting on her. I hope she bets on herself soon.” Blue eyes searched me. Sincerity. Heart. Thor could be brash and boastful, but he still had goodness too. Maybe so much, it ached him.

           Everything in Prince Thor's life was preordained. Laid out to the letter. It must make him and Loki so restless. Measuring up to the future. 

           “You’ve a set path but we all know you’ll smash your own. Gracefully, perhaps.” I chuckled when he smiled at me. Bright and gleaming. Eyes crinkling.

           “My family never liked my style of punching my way out but I find it’s rather effective.”

           “You’ll turn Loki’s hair silver early when you rule together.” I wrapped my arms around my legs and giggled to myself.

           “He’ll use some spell to conceal it and then turn my hair white or shear it off while I sleep in revenge. Wouldn’t be his first time with such tricks.”

           “Also true,” I let Thor lean on me slightly while he laughed before quieting himself. Light hearts glowing. Staring at him now, I pressed my lips and exhaled. “Speaking of sleep, I hope I didn’t kick you when we shared a tent in the forest.”

           “You move around on occasion and murmur but you didn’t kick. Truthfully, even if you did, I may have been sleeping too heavily to notice.” Thor’s brow lifted. “I did worry that you were not comfortable.”

           “I’m plenty comfortable with you. You’re not as intimidating to friends.”

           “Ah, I see. Good, I suppose.” Thor swallowed and I came to rest my hand over his in a hesitant motion. Fingers curled. “You’ve known my family for a long while and you’ll always have a home with us. A warrior I’m lucky to have in my following.”

           My lips drew higher. Safe and at home.

           “Can I ask you something off topic and…frankly strange.”

           “Uh,” Thor blinked. “Yes?”

           “Have," I hesitated and pulled my hand aside, "you ever been in love?”

           “With the heat of battle. It is my mistress,” his jest caused me to scoff before he grew serious. “I haven’t. I’ve known a lot of love. But, if you are referring from a point of romance. No. You?”

           “Yes.” The syllable came out silent. Hurried. Barely audible. "That's why I can't accept the glory in battle. Why I feel lost. I feel confused and unworthy of its pull and that's bleeding out."

           “Relax now. You don’t have to say who.” Thor watched me cross my arms again and turn from him briefly.

           “It’s upsetting.”

           “Why?”

           “I’m frightened. I don’t fully know how they feel and if they do want to be with me, I wonder why they haven’t tried. But, that isn't fair, because I'm too scared to try as well. And I'm not sure I'm ready...for something like that. I only know how I feel. It won't go away, it gets stronger. I'm just not sure if it's enough.”

           Not sure I'm enough.

           “Perhaps, they are also frightened.” Thor quirked up his brow. “You should tell them. When you’re ready. When you feel worthy, which you'll realize you always have been. Soon, I hope.”

           “That might be a while. A man tried to kiss me months ago and I found that I couldn’t…” I caught myself. “I was a little flounder about it. In truth, I didn’t really want him to. But, I considered it. And it got me thinking that maybe I’m not good at…intimacy. The pull. I also wonder if I feel that charge all the same. The need. I just felt different. Attraction is so strange. So unclear for me.”

           “That is fine. I think intimacy will come easier to you than you believe. It's fine to not feel the charge, you just need to be intimate in a way that works for you. Everyone is different. Can’t say I chase many partners regardless, if you believe that. I actually prefer to know someone intimately before...” Thor paused. “I’ve never told anyone that, about my relationships. I know I get...heated after battle during those types of festivities. But, they paint me as if I’m this…”

           “Constant player of the field? That comes with the royal territory. Do you avoid them because you know you're expected to find our next Queen?” I guessed and he glanced at me before shrugging. A careful nod followed after some thought. I must have struck him deep with that. “Fandral has the field covered. Not that he isn’t completely sweet and courteous about his lovers.”

           “This man who kissed you; if they held ill intentions or harmed you, I’m ready and willing to smash in their rib cage.” Thor changed his tone and I tried to hide my amusement. Failed. “Just say the word.”

           “Tempting, but I’m over it. I think your brother wanted to do something similar in a more secretive way. Such is his nature.”

           “You told Loki about this? Hm.” Thor smirked and I pushed at his shoulder.

           “Don’t get any ideas. You’re not my only friend. I told him the second part, not the first.” I damned myself saying that because Thor connected the dots.

           “You are good at intimacy when you trust and open up. Even if you struggle. Don’t worry about attraction, the right partner will understand your needs and let you explore them at your pace. They'll respect your wishes.” He sounded certain. “What we are doing now is a type of intimacy. There are many ways to be intimate.”

           “I guess you’re right…” I trailed off fondly and looked up at him. “I’m trying not to consider that kiss as my first kiss.”

           “It was your first?” Thor asked before he could stop himself.

           “No,” I hid my face in my knees. “Kind of. Not really because it doesn’t count.”

           “Fair enough.” Thor’s eyes averted before he dropped his shoulders. Got a bright idea. “Is it your wish to have your first?”

           “Sometimes. I’ve seen all of you with…partners at some point. I saw more of Fandral and his lover than I liked once but that was my fault for walking in.”

           “You probably have that in common with every citizen of Asgard. He never locks the door.”

           “I know, right?” I laughed and set my hands out. “I keep telling him that but he never listens.” He watched me giggle and stilled, relaxing. Content.

           “So, who did you have in mind for this first kiss? The real first kiss. There a list or line?” Thor stared at me with bright blue eyes and I tilted my head when we both grew serious. "Would a kiss lift your spirits?"

           “Thor…are you offering one?”

           “You’ve been my friend for a long time and I’m intelligent enough to know when you have been struggling. I try not to press as it is in my nature to. You’re a runner. I know I’m not the one you are in love with and I don’t expect to magically will away your sadness. But, right now, I do want to kiss your lips. Sometimes a person just needs kissed.”

           “Why?”

           “Call it a simple act of friendship. I want you to share your first kiss with someone who cares about you on a deeper level and someone who is not afraid to tell you that right this second. You deserve someone brave enough to admit that they love and believe in you with all of their heart. As I do.” Thor paused when my eyes watered before he lifted his hand to touch my cheek and stop one tear from falling. "You deserve to be told you're easy to love because love never discriminates. It takes without mercy. My parents used to say that often. I don't think I understood it until this moment. You gave me that and I want to return the favor."

           Roses bloomed and pooled within me. No thorns, just velvet petals spilling long and endless. Maybe worthiness didn't matter, maybe it was something we gave power with sheer will and belief. So, I returned it all back.

           “You deserve someone who sees you as more than the future King of Asgard. But, as the compassionate, strong, loud, amazing, bold man you are growing into. You deserve someone who knows that you are trying your hardest to learn all you can before you take…that throne…” I touched Thor’s wrist and closed my eyes when he came down to capture my lips after I offered them. Kissing me full on the mouth.

           Soft. Barely there. A slow wink against time. Waves rocking. The smallest smoking spark. Gentle.

           “Thank you,” he whispered, before pecking my lips once more. Stubble swatched at my flesh. Thor and I parted and turned to stare at the lone row of books ahead of us. Breaths in perfect sync. "You see? Not bad? All your kisses after this are smooth-sailing." 

           Shifting, I touched my fingers to my lips and smiled to myself before Thor suppressed a grin next to me. He gave a breathless chuckle.

           “We’re not at all-”

           “No,” he laughed aloud. “We’re not.”

           “That was-”

           “Filled with the air of pure friendship. Still intimate in a way that’s right.”

           “I was just going to say, perfect. Exactly as I dreamed."

           “Chase the feeling.” Thor nestled back so I buried my face in his shoulder. We shared a silent beat between souls that maybe weren't so different. He reached over to hand me my book back so I opened it to the page I left on. I reached out and laughed when he professionally shook my hand and stood up.

           “I needed this. Thank you.” I smiled fuller at Thor’s face so he beamed. "Keep punching your way through things, maybe it suits you on occasion."

           “I’ll leave you to it.” He turned but stopped at the end of the hallway. “I’m going to say something and it isn’t my intention to…”

           “Yes?”

           “Loki is a damned fool.” Thor tilted his head up to affirm that bold statement. I tried not to react, merely nodding my head once before he turned and left. 

           Once he had gone, I let out my breath and grinned again to myself. We’d likely never speak of this again as if it never happened and I’d be content with that. Just a needed moment of quiet between two hearts about to blaze our paths. A beat that belonged to no one else. 

           This hour, I believed that perhaps the path I was following was the correct one. I had to bet on me.

           I had to.

           And I knew exactly what I would do next.

Chapter Text

           And here lie the absolute worst thing I would do to my father.

           Yes, I took the axe.

           I was stupid and hotheaded and looking to destroy myself if it meant he would burn as well. So, I went to the one soul who would understand my needs.

           “Loki!” I knocked on his door early in the day. “The guards said you were here.”

           “Hmm...one moment,” it sounded like a huff. There was some shuffling before he opened the door in a silken robe like liquid gold. Squinting at me.  “It’s early.” Wind blew the robe open and it slipped off one pale shoulder. His soft body greeted my eyes, perfect like porcelain. I blinked before staring up at his face. Mostly, by force.

           “It is ten in the morning,” I cocked my head. “This is unlike you.”

           “I’m allowed the occasional rough night.” He rubbed his eyes, pushing back. “Might as well come in. You’re not usually up here this early. What is it?” I saw his eyes flicker to the axe on my back before he shut the door and tried to smooth his messy bed head down.

           “I need you.” I professed suddenly and Loki paused, brow quirking up. He forgot all about his ruffled state. Eyes flickered aside then back.

           “You need me?” His chest fell with a heavy breath.

           “I need a favor and you can’t ask questions and I’ll give you whatever favor you want in return.” I went on. Loki straightened up in a quick motion as if his spine had snapped, swallowing.

           “…Explain.” Loki crossed his arms to narrow those luminous eyes on me.

           “I need a smith. A good one. I can pay. I shouldn’t but I can.”

           “All right,” he stated slower. “Where exactly does Loki play in on this one?”

           “You have connections to good and quick blacksmiths and I thought maybe you could persuade one to help me. And you’ll keep this quiet. It’s going to be a strange request. I’m a peasant in the sun’s eyes, remember? Also, you’re my friend and I trust you to not ask questions or talk me down. Please.”

           “Talk you down? What are you…?” Loki glanced over my shoulder again and sighed. “What really happened to your sword?”

           “How do you know about that?”

           “I have this brother, you see. His name is Thor and he’s a complete buffoon, but occasionally he can put sentences together and inform me of events that have happened. Impressive as that might be.” Loki spelled it out.

           “Ha ha.” I mocked. “Well, Thor told you the truth, I lost it in the pond.”

           “It’s snowing. Why would you need to be near a pond?”

           “You’re asking questions.” I pointed out and Loki dropped his arms.

           “Did you honestly believe I wouldn’t?”

           “No, but I hoped you might at least try not to.” I waved my hands and gave a calm exhale. “Look, I’m not trying to guilt you. I just need to know if you’ll help me. It's...I have to do this.”

           “Once I’m showered and presentable, I’ll take you to the palace smith but you need to tell me if you’re in some kind of trouble.”

           “Yes,” I shrugged, “I am. But, neither you nor anyone else can change it so just please let me be the one to… It’s my life, I have to do this before I gain back my rationality. I need you all to stay out of it, you’ll make it worse.”

           “You know that is the reason we all have taken your word in personal matters but I won’t stand idly by and allow-“

           “I’m getting revenge for my sword against my father. He was upset. As fathers often do get upset when their children disappoint them. He threw my sword in the pond because I refused his prized axe. And I know my mother is going to be furious at me for mucking up her white picket fence dream but I have to do this or I never will.” I shuddered to steady myself. Eyes alight at my friend. One finger pointed at the floor, feet shifting. “I refuse my father’s legacy and I want him to know that once and for all. This is my life. Mine!”

           This look crossed Loki's face like he might have been enamored with my passion. 

           “…You could have led with that.”

           “As if you’re the pinnacle of honesty.” I decided, hands on my hips so he gestured.

           “Don’t sass the person assisting you, sweetheart. Give me a bit to get ready and have a seat. Try to breathe.”

           “Thank you. Whatever you want in return, I’ll do what I can to give it.” I watched Loki pause before he peered at me thoughtfully.

           “Sometime soon, I’d like to discuss the events that occurred after the battle.”

           “That’s all?”

           “I want your honesty. Yes, that is all.” When he left to get ready, I fell into a plush chair and let relief fill me. Eyes lifted to a set of crossed blades above the fireplace. Glinting in this light. 

           And then came the next surge of fear. The next fizzle of nerves. The next beat of my heart that kept me pushing through this.

** ** **

           “Erm. You want me to…?”

           “Yes, sir.” I stared at the blacksmith and let him tug the axe from my hands. Heat from the smelter behind him wafted and hissed. My fate was sealed with hot irons. Burning pure white almost the same as fresh snow.

           “It should be no issue.” Loki touched the small of my back. “Correct?”

           “It isn’t an issue, your highness. I just wonder, why?”

           “Certainly you don’t need such information.” Loki cocked his head and the man turned.

           “Two hours, my prince. I’ll be finished.”

           “Thank you, sir,” I managed gentler as Loki ushered me out and up the stairs. Swaying, I grasped blindly and felt him take my hand.

           "Still breathing, sweetheart?"

           "Doing my best." My chest sunk. I didn't look back at the fires. I only saw Loki's eyes gleam and fluttered. We went back into the long hallway connecting into the palace.

           “I’ve never met your parents." Loki spoke mostly to see if I was responsive. "I know you live a ways from here but-”

           “They both work. Father’s in construction I suppose. My mother works mostly in transportation. Boring stuff.” I shot him a look. “Over the bridge, Loki. Nowhere else.”

           Loki didn’t bring it up again at the risk of me shutting down.

           “So, you said you had a rough night?” I began, letting him go so we could pace. Side by side. Friends. Palace staff saw us together and whispered, bustling about their days.

           “I spent yesterday in the markets, replenishing my supplies, and it ran later than I intended.” Loki peered aside. “I was going to organize today considering everything is just stacked in the corner still. I got distracted with my thoughts. That happens.”

           “Can I help?” I asked quieter and he grinned before nodding.

           “Oh, I suppose.” Loki swept an arm around me and pulled me close when I laughed. Both of us almost giddy like children because we were together. 

           “I’m surprised you don’t try to steal supplies from the healing room.”

           “I tried once. Mother caught me and…let’s say she just persuaded me not to do it again.” He smirked wider and quickly straightened up when a group turned the corner. Loki snatched his hand from me and stepped back. My own amusement fell. 

           “Father.” Loki bowed his head and I was still lost in him but remembered myself and knelt lower in a stumble before the King beckoned for me to rise.

           “It is lovely to see you, your majesty,” I swallowed and curtsied with more grace. “My lords and ladies.” Behind him, a few elders spoke in hushed tones. Snipping their old faces as if they’d eaten something sour.

           “What cow taught you to curtsy, girl?” Erikur began, brash in his tone. His face all sunken in with cropped reddish hair was that mostly grey. A rotting corpse. He was a vocal drunk so the court ladies loved to hang off him only for the latest gossip

           “The same one who taught you manners, Erikur,” Salma shot him a look of discontentment. A sapphire circlet upon her crown tilted to catch the morning light.

           “Always a pleasure, high council.” Loki’s voice held no enjoyment. Pale hands clasped with his posture straightening. 

           “This woman is a respected warrior of Asgard,” Odin added, meeting my eyes head on, and Calder stepped forward, "new and cherished to our ranks. My eldest bid her name personally and she's rewarded us."

           I should have thanked him, but the words jumped in my throat. Odin seemed to sense it regardless because he beamed.

           "You fought well beside my sons." He continued so I tried to find myself. "Thor told me everything. Said you were a great aid to him in the end."

           "It's an honor to draw my weapon along side them, your majesty." I couldn't look at Loki but felt his eyes burn regardless. The heat filled my marrow to spill out. 

           “I’m certain you fought valiantly, my lady. I’ve heard a few stories from your friends in pubs. Loud stories, but many are entertaining enough.” Calder smiled and I did after a little encouragement.

           “You weren’t at the meeting this morning, why?” Odin addressed his son.

           “You had Thor, father, I’m certain you didn’t require me.” Loki’s snappy, smooth reply wasn’t hesitant.

           “Loki…” Odin’s tone drew out. His all-knowing eye flickered to me there. Cautious. “Surely, you’re not still upset about yesterday. We’ll discuss it in length.”

           “Discuss is a loose word. Certainly,” Loki’s pale knuckles were stark white as he clasped his hands tighter and I stayed silent. Black nails dug into his skin. I hoped he wouldn't try to draw blood. Not taking his hand took more restraint than I'd ever admit.

           “I’d like to know why this girl is not on the training grounds. You spend too much time with the young prince.” Maven, a wrinkly old bat of a woman, puckered her lips to show her disapproval. But in truth, it made her look like a damn grumpy trout. Loki’s words.

           “I summoned my friend here today so that she could retrieve a few books from me. Nothing more.” Loki lied and his hand hovered near my shoulder but it did not touch me.

           “It’s not proper for her to be in your room unattended.” Maven added before anyone else could comment.

           “Which of your eight husbands taught you that, Lady Maven? Oh, was it their brothers? Couldn't wait till after their mysterious deaths.” Loki countered beautifully and I had to bite the inside of my cheek. Odin cleared his throat as Maven gaped. A dying blowfish.

           It wasn't often I witnessed royal family bickering and court debacles, but I wished I had a seat and a snack for this one. Loki smiled there, flashing teeth. Oh, so charming. The back of my hand brushed his when it came down, his finger traced my knuckle. Almost obscenely in public. Odin took note of that too. 

           Calder saved the day with his calm tone.

           “They are young,” he’d commented gentler, taking my jaw in his hand as if I was a show horse. “Just look at her. Smart and strong. An up and coming warrior. The kind you want spending time with your youngest son. We’ll give you a bride just like this of noble blood.” 

           Oh look, I’m a great example for a prized trophy wife now. Good for me. Shame my blood doesn't pour with gold.

           “Calder,” Odin gestured to me. “Perhaps, allow the lady to go.”

           “Ah, yes, forgive me.” He smoothed his wrinkled hand over my cheek and into my hair. It was so peculiar, the way he touched my coiled locks and traced the curve of my ears. Nerves sparked. Kill me. “We won’t find a woman with hair like this. Pity.” Loki stared at me with what might have been a rare apology in his eyes. “Good day.”

           “After dinner,” Odin gave Loki a look as he passed, “we’ll talk.” They rounded the corner to leave and Loki sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

           “That was really uncomfortable.” I shook as if I got chills and failed to hide my wide-eyed amusement. “I half-expected them to start talking about my womb. Which is quite healthy, I’m told. If you wondered. Great oven. Lots of room for buns.” 

           Friendly as can be, I punched Loki in the arm and he was still pretty horrified.

           “Gods,” Loki stood there mortified with his eyes closed while I laughed. Full and bright. “I don’t have anything to say for once.”

           “Oh, but, Prince Loki, I will bear many strong children when a man gives me his ripe seed.” I went on mechanically with manic eyes and Loki groaned.

           “If I hear you say ripe seed ever again-” he was laughing now. “Let us forget that all happened.”

           “A big, strong man can plant many ferns in my garden. It's what I live for.” I tried and he pushed at my shoulder.

           “Stop it.” He was still amused and I took pride in that. “Let’s go.”

           “Yes, my prince, I’ll walk behind you now with my face to the floor so the elders see that I know my place. Three paces behind you.”

           “By the nine,” Loki looked as if his soul left his body, taking my elbow. One finger to my lips. “Enough.”

           “I can go all day about this.” I crossed my arms, cheeky. 

           “I’m aware.” Loki rubbed his face, eyes lifting as he let go. “Of all the times to run into them.”

           “I thought Maven was going to melt my face with her eyes alone.”

           “Truthfully, she might have tried,” Loki chuckled and resumed his relaxed position, hand winding around my back to guide me. I glanced up at him and looked away when he caught my gaze. “If I did not know that she hated most magic, I might believe she’s some evil witch.”

           “Oh no,” I got in front of Loki and walked backward, putting my hands over my heart. “She’s going to suck out my youth and beauty to sustain herself.”

           “I’ve looked into that actually, we should not joke about it. How many sane sorcerers do you know?”

           “Negative one. Frigga doesn’t make up for the things I’ve seen you do.” I giggled at Loki’s expression before he took my shoulders and got me to turn the corner as I was still facing him. “So…are there magic users who actually try to suck out one’s beauty and youth because now I’m interested?” My head cocked.

           “But, of course, right next to the witches who use mind control and necromancy after eating poisonous enchanted stones from the land of make-believe. Please.” His sarcasm entertained me. Thrilled my bones to make me radiate a glow. “You do know that there is a specific science to it. Which is why I cannot just jump and fly out of this castle like Thor. Try as I may.”

           “You can turn into a bird.”

           “I’ve limited my shape-shifting to Asgardians only. No animals. I’ve almost been shot and breeded far too many times.”

           “You’re no fun at all.” I gave a pout as he turned me again and this time I pressed against his door. Bodies almost touching. I gasped there under his shadow. Palms still firm on my arms. 

           “Face it, sweetheart, I’m the most interesting person you know at the moment.” He leaned closer with his lip twitching, chest sinking.

           “Poor me,” I responded flatter.

           “Hm,” Loki stood taller and I let him open his door. “Ignore the mess still. Some woman roused me from bed too early.”

           “We can’t be friends anymore because your bed isn’t made.” I quickly found a spot on the sofa and eyed the boxes and bags against the corner of his room. “What was your father talking about earlier? A meeting? Is that what kept you up at night?”

           “Disagreement about my future when Thor is crowned the supreme ruler of Asgard. Nothing new.”

           “I’m sorry. You will still be his first step. Always at his right. No higher honor they say.” I offered and Loki exhaled, eyes elsewhere.

           “Appreciated but it’s no issue anymore.” Loki waved his hand and I watched the boxes order themselves around the floor. Cabinets opened in a synchronized fashion before labeled jars arranged on a table to be filled with ingredients. I let my thin cloak fall from my shoulders and draped it over his couch. “You look impressed, this is nothing.”

           “Still,” I crossed my arms over the side of the couch and set my head on them to enjoy the view. “Was there anything you actually needed me to do?”

           “In truth, I covet the pleasure of your company." Pale hands instructed the sorting. Almost like a composer. "Never mind Maven's remarks, she likes to speculate.” 

           “Oh, I didn't...read too much into it." Blatant lie. "I'm sure you get that about any lady you speak to."

           He didn't remark on that. Loki shifted toward me and his outfit changed with light to something simpler for walking about indoors.

           "Show off.” I muttered and he smirked again. “Have you ever cast a grand illusion on me?”

           “No, I have not. Are you tempting me?”

           “I’ve seen what you can do.” I perked up some, earning a scan of Loki's eyes.

           “Think so?” He cocked his head as magic did the work behind him.

           “Tell me about the science of it.” I leaned over the edge of the sofa and he shook his finger at me.

           “Nice try, I believe that counts as a lesson. You know I don’t offer those at the present time.” He tapped his pointer finger under my chin and I leaned back, huffing. When I clasped my hands and gave him the sweetest ‘big-eyed stare’ that I was known for, Loki relented. 

           “I can tell you that sorcerers bend the will of forces around them. We see these forces unseen to normal eyes through rigorous training. We feel them caressing our very bodies as we walk about the halls. They twist and bend and reshape but never break. They cannot disappear in a sense, they must always be whole but they…take the shape of something new with particles already in place. Moving back and forth. Bowing to our will. We have it inside us, like a muscle that needs tending and training. It only grows until..." Loki glanced down at his black nails. "...you become something new with it.”

           “Invisible mind alchemy,” I had joked.

           “Well,” Loki shrugged his shoulders, “you’re not too far off, I suppose.”

           “What about conjuration?”

           “Ah. With conjuration, you’re not creating something new, you’re summoning something that already exists from a place you put it. Pretend I have a bag of gifts with me at all times that no one else can see."

           "Elemental magic?"

           "Even those who excel at elemental magic take from the forces inside themselves when they summon something such as fire or water on a whim. Those who cannot use magic aren’t sharp enough to see it. They’re unwilling to spend their soul." Loki came into the light, flitting through his huge windows. Illuminated. Beautiful. "Magic is transactional. You take these spells into yourself. Some can consume you. Burn you down to a pit. You understand what you’re possibly taking and spending and putting into the world. You have to.”

           “I got you talking about it.”

           “I’ve not even skimmed the surface." Loki’s wrist twitched to continue the work along the table; jars filling and closing themselves in fluid motions. Going back into their proper places. His tone changed to something that would haunt me forever. "There is always more. I like that about magic. There is always so much more...” 

           “Do an illusion on me.” I asked and Loki debated it.

           “Come here,” he beckoned me around the couch before offering his hand. “It’ll help if you hold onto me, I don’t want to shock you.” Carefully, I laced my fingers into his and watched him lift his other arm. “Tell me about a place you like.”

           “The main ballroom. When it’s night and decorated for dances. I’ve never been to one but I’ve seen them prepare it. The lanterns and hanging crystals are so beautiful. You can always see the many moons and stars outside the archways. Everything glows.” A green light shined along Loki’s room and I gasped, drawing closer to him as the area changed.

           “Like this?” He asked and I mutely nodded in wonder. His voice longed so ardently. “Do you like it?” I could feel the air from outside. The warmth of candlelight. I could see my reflection in the golden floors.

           “Yes,” my fingers left his so I stepped forward.

           “Careful,” he warned. “We’re still in my room.” Loki grinned when I turned to beam at him. A rare sort of smile crossed his face that was bathed in the soft lights and sparkling crystals shining around us. “You think that is impressive, how about this? Stay there.”

           Glancing down, the green light swirled around my feet before twirling into my clothing. Magic kissed my body. I felt the weight of skirts while I turned slowly to see it all change before my eyes. Silken fabric of a sapphire gown bloomed around me. Sleeves tightened down my arms. Laughing, I spun and let my curls fan out as the dress adorned my frame. 

           I looked like a princess.

           I looked like I was his.

           "You'll attend these festivities now being in the ranks." Loki stole my hands again to turn me back. He dropped my palm on his shoulder. "You'll have to dance too."

           "I don't know how." I hitched because he took my waist, swaying me close into him.

           "Nonsense, if you can fight, you can dance." Loki moved so I'd follow in slow steps. Mesmerized. Eyes on our feet before he took my chin to lift it, knuckles lingered and he came back to himself. We moved again together, deftly spinning about to no music. Lost in a dream as one soul. "There you go. You're a natural." Loki lifted our clasped hands to make me spin under his arm. Both of us free in this moment. Happiness seemed so close today. So easy to touch. 

           “Oh, I know another place.” I grew giddy. Magic unfurled me too easily. “Our meadow where we met. The weeping willow and the pond.” I bit my lip and Loki obliged. 

           Endless grass sprouted around me before he took my waist to pull me from the area where the pond formed. Leaves fell from the tree. Wind blew and faded through me. I stepped from him and reached out to catch a flower petal. Let it phase through my palm. Without turning to Loki yet, I found my voice. 

           “…You could do wonderful and terrible things with illusion magic. This place. It feels so real, but I know it isn’t. Imagine if you could invade the head of another. Show them scenes like this. Or their very worst fears. Consuming. Commanding. It’s all so much. You have to build an intimate relationship with magic. There’s no other way.” My voice trailed off when I cast another look around and tried to pretend this was real. 

           Loki was gazing at me when my eyes drifted from the giant tree rustling above him to his face. Staring intent. Contemplating something that kept him up at night.

           “An interesting sentiment.” He offered, near silent before he slid one foot toward me. At the same time, I stepped to him and the illusion began to fade as if water was draining from the room. Trickling. 

           The lights crept slowly past us when I inched closer and Loki leaned toward me with hooded eyes. The gown, beautiful as it was, shed from me to reveal my usual clothing. I could still be his in bond. Ask me. I thought. Just tell him how you feel. My soul reached out as if it tried to seize the moment. Whatever magic was inside me curled out to touch his. Mint from his exhale misted me. A palm laid on my back, heat sweltered. Eyes wandering over the curve of parting lips. So close, we could have...

           And Loki’s next words destroyed the illusion altogether.

           “I am getting married.” Loki dropped his shoulders when I veered back. My lips fell open in a stupor before I recovered from a pain that plunged deep into my heart. “It’s not…certain. But, when my father gets such ideas, I do not imagine any other result.”

           “Oh.” My eyes had to avert behind him before I settled my gaze on his once more, trying to be brave. Trying to push through and give him something. I clasped my fists together and shuffled my feet, pulse pounding but I was breathless. Barely a foot away, I steeled while he observed me. “Is that what you want, Loki?”

           “If it is better for Asgard-”

           “Is that what you want?” I repeated in a hard tone, a tremor in my spine. Not yielding. He shook too down to his core.

           Yes, of course I’d understand if Loki didn’t want me. But, he couldn’t…we couldn’t keep this up. It was too painful. It wasn’t fair to either of us. Loki hardened himself, lips quivered before he stood taller and blinked a few times. Weight threatened to bring him down.

           He hesitated. Unable to answer such a thing. But, he hesitated for much too long. I didn’t want to live in Loki’s hesitation any longer so I spoke. 

           “Well, I bet they’ll pick someone amazing for you. Smart. Strong. Noble blood. In truth, my father has been talking about similar things. If…If you marry someone from another realm, you’ll move there for good. Won’t you?”

           “Yes.” Loki was not staring at me anymore. “That was the plan. Thor…he, ah, doesn’t know yet.” 

           Those eyes were looking anywhere but at me. I hadn’t seen him like this, so unable to communicate. Pale hands curled into fists and drew tight behind his back. Blinking, I stared at his eyes intently and watched the green shimmer with tears.

           "You're the only person I've told." He paused, recalibrating. "The first and last person I wanted to tell."

           Tell me how to help you.

           He just did.

           I can’t.

           “I wish that I could portray how deeply I care about our friendship. I’d miss you a lot. By the nine,” I gave a tight chuckle, “I can’t imagine Asgard without you in it. There’s so much here for you. So much you deserve. You always bring me up, but I wonder if you believe that.”

           “It’s not certain.” Loki glanced at the floor and I inhaled, hands lifting as if I could slow this down. As if I might bring him into my arms and hold him close.

           “Loki, you mean so much to me." I came to him, took his face in my hands. Made him see me. Clear as the day was bright. "Magic might be transactional, but love isn't-”

           “Please,” his voice grew thick when he sniffed. Cool palms covered mine to bring them down. Loki kept shaking his head, eyes aside. “I do not want to do this.” I released him. Crushed. Peering to see Loki quickly catch a tear on the back of his knuckle like I wouldn’t notice. "I cannot do this with you."

           “Loki-” I came to him but he stepped back before I could reach out. He always did.

           “I’d like to be alone now.” His voice rushed. “The blacksmith will finish. Feel free to stay inside the palace until then. But, I’d like to be alone with my thoughts. I thought... I can't.”

           “I’m sorry,” I swerved and started to rush toward the door.

           “Wait.” Loki swallowed and my fingers tightened around the door’s handle; I didn’t turn. “I want you to know that I’m not upset or blaming you for anything. I need you to know that before you leave. Yes?” Frozen, I let him go on. “I upset myself. You did nothing wrong. It is imperative that you believe that…and I would still like to have that talk with you. Another time perhaps. I cannot think of this now. I just...I needed to tell someone. It had to be you.”

           “The spars are coming up soon. Warriors challenging each other for fun and whatnot. Funny way to celebrate the end of battle. You’ll see me there in the audience. If you want to talk after…we can do that.” Careful, I peered at Loki and opened the door to leave before he could respond. My footsteps hurried down the hallway until cold air washed the emotion from my face. 

           I had to finish what I started myself first.

** ** **

           The walk home weighed on me. 

           I caught the smoke lifting from our chimney and knew both my parents would be home now. One more breath. Just one. Before I pulled the door back to enter my house.

           Father’s gaze lifted to acknowledge me. Each breath drew shorter when I took a sack from my shoulder and turned it upside down. Before he could utter a syllable, three steel cubes crashed into the table. Splintered the wood as father lunged backward. Afraid of me or so I pretended. Small. Nothing. 

           My mother raced into the kitchen doorway and her mouth fell open in awe. I just stood there vibrating. Waiting for it to click.

           “What the fuck is this?” He shook his head and looked at me before I tossed what was now a worthless club into his hands.

           “You have inspired me, father,” my eyes drew wide, reflecting the unbalance underneath. Voice tremoring but only getting louder. I was alive. “So, I wanted to show you what I learned. I wanted to show you…what your name was worth. Three steel ingots.”

           He stared at the club, tracing his tarnished sigil. The weapon I desecrated. And his legacy with it.

           “A low price for what you claimed to be a great name. But, my name…it’s worth whatever rich lord I’m to marry. Whatever glories I bring to the golden realm of Asgard in battle. Whatever path and legacy I lead for my damn self! I don’t need you or your axe to do that! You need me more than I need you!” 

           Father lunged for me over the table and tackled me down. I twisted and spat and hissed about. Unruly child. Ungrateful child. I could have told him that I wished he was dead. That I wished I never told Heimdall to turn his eyes from my house during our spats. That I’d put rat droppings into his food a number of times. That I hated him to my core. But, I just fought him. Made him work to pin me down. Seeing nothing but stars.  

           “You disgusting, wretched little-!”

           “Enough!” My mother was yanking my father from my body as he began to shake me. Denting the floorboards with my skull.

           “You’re not mine, you ungrateful-!”

           “You forgot who makes the money in this house,” my mother, with strength I didn’t know she had, twisted my father from me. Sent him into the ruined table. She’d never come between us like this. And this sharp-edged part of me still would have gone through her to end him. 

           We both scrambled up at the same time. I seized to find fresh air. Fingers became claws. Unable to stop the flow of laughter and tears as I covered my ears and screamed. Screamed like I never had in my life. All the water that drowned me and held me down instead flowed forth. A force inside me unfurled.

           Windows rattled and the couch shifted back two feet, startling them both. Left scrapes in the floor so they wouldn’t forget. Gasping, I stared at my parents and hunched over. Something massive awakened inside me that was repressed for too many years. Something terrifying and beautiful. Call it desire. Passion. Hunger. Hatred. Fire. An ache. Something I would pray to and for at night.

           Something I would build my most intimate relationship with. 

           “I want her out of this house!” My father pointed. “I told you. I told you she’d be dangerous. I told you she’s not worth this!”

           “You can’t! I won’t let you.” Mother shook her head, matching him.

           “She’s a monster!”

           “She’s my daughter and more important than you!” My mother shot back. She actually sounded like my mother. This fleeting moment, I got exactly what I wanted. And I didn't care. “I make up over half the money for your lifestyle now.” 

           She had a point. My father bottled his rage. The hate flowed like cheap wine slipping along the floor around me. I didn't back away from it.

           “The first offer we get, we take. She’s not welcomed here. You best pray a decent man wants you.” His dangerous eyes tried desperately to burn me, but I refused that heat. 

           “One does,” I cried in a gasp. Because for a moment I believed the truth of it. “You have to be good to me if you want even a piece of that life. And when I find glory for myself, you’ll regret every moment under this roof like I have! Take your piece of shit back.” I kicked over the table and sent the pieces of his axe to the floor. 

           Father rushed at me again and I didn’t try to stop him.

           “I don’t care who you belong to later,” my father wrapped a hand around my throat and thrust me into the wall. He squeezed down. Tried to silence me. I gripped at his wrists as he held my mother back with one hand. 

           My feet left the floor.

           “Until we’re rid of you, you are mine. Mine! You’ll do what I say.” In body. Perhaps. But, not in mind. I stared at my father as he continued to scold me before I closed my eyes and put myself somewhere else. 

           A meadow with a weeping willow. A billowing gown. A hand in mine. Soft lips to kiss. Melodies that roll long and endless as the clouds do. I could pluck warm stars down and press them to my cheeks. 

           “What?” He shook me. “Are you in dreamland now? Not this nonsense again. Always used to pull this shit as a little girl. No. You’ll stay right here until I allow it.”

           Gold crowns. Gold shrouds. Gold light glints against my eyes. Freedom blinds me.

           “You are deformed.” My father went on, shoving my mother into the couch.

           People bow and tell me I’ve saved them.

           “You are useless.”

           I’m no longer terrified when I go to sleep and when I wake in the morning.

           “I’m all you have now.”

           Sif pats my back with pride. Fandral smiles with all his charm. Hogun’s face lights from approval. Volstagg pulls me into an embrace. Frigga pets my hair as if I am hers. Odin grants my hand a kiss. Thor lifts me up and celebrates. And Loki. He stays here. He stays with me.

           My skull left a deeper crack into the wall when my father tossed me into it. He knelt down and waited for my answer. Two fingers snatched my ear, earning a contained yelp.

           “Yes, father.” I was smiling wider now, lifting my finger to trace the side of his rough cheek. He lost his next breath. Hated me. “Whatever you say. Know those syllables are numbered gifts from me and your legacy is rot.”

           The road will be long. Whatever joys and suffering that would mean.

           But, I can accept that.

           He won’t ever have me again.

           Not while my mind is free.

           “Oblivious little freak.” He muttered, turning to go. I couldn’t register my mother helping me to my feet before I gave a soft reply.

           “And the only thing between you and the other side of the veil. While I curry favor with his majesty...your life is mine. Not the other way around.” My chest caved in. Father slammed the door to go out.

           “Why would you do this? Upset him?” My mother's eyes shined at me. “After all I’ve done for us. You have no idea.”

           I stared at her, wiping a thin trail of blood from my nose. Imploded before I answered so smooth and even. Intent on her eyes. Dangerous.

           “If you don’t like it, mother,” I plucked up the club, put it into her hands so my blood smeared her palm, “let him kill me next time. So when you're feeling underappreciated, all you need to do is bring fresh flowers to your daughter's grave. And then all of your noble sacrifices will be well spent.”

           Love wasn't transactional. Hope and kindness and desire were free. I would be free too.

           Mother shook at me, withheld something behind her eyes so I left to my room. Still dreaming myself into a new age. Curls bobbing with each step.

           My parents would be upset for a long time after this and erase this event from their minds. They would try. 

           I’d reset the chessboard and make them relive it until they loved it.

Chapter Text

           Rain fell heavily upon Asgard, washing out the snow. Washing everything away. 

           It covered the training grounds in slick mud, which admittedly, the warriors adored. Spars became messy and a complete rush. Splatters of dirt hit audience members in the front row. 

           Across from me, Loki hid his complete amusement at Thor sliding in to take Volstagg to the ground. Laughter erupted before a group of children I knew to be Volstagg’s started to cheer for him in the stands. This caused their father to lunge at Thor and tackle him, burying the prince into the mud.

           “Yeah!” Volstagg charged everyone up as he held Thor down, sitting on his back. Thor wiped his dirty arm across his lips which did nothing to clean his face of mud. They helped each other up and lifted their hands to rouse more cheers before embracing. Thor called in a few more warriors and I got up to move in the audience. Volstagg's kids rushed by me to follow their father out and play.

           “May I sit here?” I asked Loki. “Haven’t seen you in a while.” In a box far above Loki sat the King and Queen, sheltered from the rain which luckily had stopped. Loki stood up in silence to move over before he was lifted into a bear hug that smeared muck all down his front.

           “Thor, I’m going to gut you for this,” Loki squirmed and seethed. His outfit stained. My hands flew to my mouth to stifle my laughter.

           “Smile, Loki, our parents are watching. Dear brother.” Thor grinned and waved to them with Loki still locked under one arm. Frigga giggled and Odin shook his head with a smirk. Their darling boys. 

           The people around us moved away when mud shook from Thor like he was a wild wolf ruffling his coat. Below, warriors sparred and everyone drew their attention there. Loki muffled another upset sound.

           “I hate you,” he dislodged himself from Thor’s grip and gaped at his clothing, covered in muddy Thor prints. When I laughed harder, Loki shot me a look. “Oh, this amuses you?”

           “This? Nonsense. I was just laughing at…a joke Sif told me…earlier. Yesterday.” I corrected and Thor chuckled with me. Loki huffed before smearing his hand along Thor’s jaw. “Loki, you don’t want to do this…”

           “I do.” He shrugged and wiped muddy fingers along my cheek, causing me to squeal and squirm away from him. “I know you’re not big on extensive war paint but this is a good look for you.”

           “He’s right,” Thor got my other cheek and I smacked at him.

           “Ah, come on, I was on your side,” I whined. Loki sat down next to me with Thor sitting to his left. “Buffoons.”

           “No use going in now, I suppose.” He glanced at his dirty clothing before he conjured a mirror. “Look at your face.” I leaned over to see a dark line pressed down each of my cheeks. Eye to jawline.

           “Yeah, yeah, I look really dangerous,” I punched at his shoulder and got nudged in return

           “Ale!” Thor called before an attendant rushed a drink to him. He nodded and tipped them, bright and sunny smile. “Father and mother won’t let either of us into the palace looking like this.”

           “That why you covered me as well?” Loki watched the two warriors hit staffs against each other before one slipped and fell backward.

           “Bring him down!” Thor called out. Shifting, he turned his attention to Loki. “Well, they won’t let you go in. I can fly to my room from here.”

           “Off the battlefield and still hitting below the belt, you fool.” Loki gasped when Thor got him into a headlock and ruffled his hair. Cheeks squished against the mighty bicep. 

           Snorting, I near died with laughter.

           “Nonsense.” Thor let Loki free and I giggled as he smoothed his hair down.

           “Disgusting.” Loki hissed. “He smells.”

           “You’ll always be at my side to badger, brother. It will be my first decree as king. One hour of badgering Loki daily. So it shall be.” Thor joked, oblivious, and gulped from his mug. Oh, dear.

           Loki glanced at me and I cocked my head. Thor still didn’t know. I lifted my eyebrows at Loki so he shook his head in a subtle motion before I glanced from him to the spar for a moment. The two warriors looked like they just rose from a swamp. Large, muddy beasts.

           “I hope you plan to bathe sometime this year,” Loki scrunched his face.

           “My hygiene is better than yours,” Thor countered. “Which one of us locks themselves in their chambers and sleeps at their desk for days on end? Covered in papers and smeared in inkblots, literally buried in their studies. Without a proper shower or bath?”

           “You couldn’t understand the pursuit of knowledge.” 

           “Dreaming up new tricks.” Thor drank again. “Another week where my hair is green in jest and I cannot change it back until you’re happy. After I’ve attended important diplomat meetings. Embarrassed myself because they think I’m ill.”

           “You make me ill all the time.” Loki replied in all seriousness. Thor shoved him, still grinning. His drink sloshed down his front.

           “Oh, boys,” I shook my head and tuned into the battle again to see it ending. A face caught my eye from the wings. “Ugh, gods, I should take a break from this. Look who it is.” 

           Herlof came toward the grounds next and drew his arms up to get cheers. Loki glanced at me as the announcer called to him.

           “Who shall you challenge?”

           “Her.” Herlof built up his pride, pointing. Many pairs of eyes went to me. Me.

           I probably looked like an owl with my wide eyes caught in awe. No. Not me. Nope. I glanced at the people behind me and turned back. Thor and Loki both quieted. Herlof was pointing at me. Directly. Oh, come on.  

           “Come down, if you dare.” He was clearly intoxicated and I was in no mood.

           But, I was also impulsive and angry so I let that fuel me. Fists curled together.

           “Fine,” I huffed and shot up, yanking the cloak from my shoulders to drop it in Loki’s lap. "Hold this for me." 

           Claps sounded while Herlof chortled in his merry way, tossing me a staff that I caught with grace.

           “I’ll conquer you, pretty thing.” He stumbled about.

           “Says the beast.” I shot back.

           “You’ve avoided me. Silly little girl.” He stepped closer. The announcer called for us to get ready. Mud caked against my boots with every step. A chill ran through my clothes, kissing skin on the way.

           “Women do that when they want nothing to do with men like you.” I leaned in.

           “Women make men like me.” He swung his staff toward me and I countered, hitting it back.

           “You think that way of thinking will benefit your sons and daughters of the future? You weren’t brought into this world to beat up a woman for rejecting you.” I wished I could explain why this stupid man made me so angry. Truthfully, I don’t think I needed to with the way he was acting now. “Move on!” 

           The words tasted bad on my lips, a sound of pure disgust followed them. 

           “Yikes. I am saying a lot of relevant things now.” I hissed before swinging toward him, he thrust and I dodged before we circled each other. A pair of jungle cats.

           “I was nice to you and you humiliated me. I thought you understood.”

           “Nice? I’m not obligated to-ugh!” I yelled out and hit his staff hard, backing him up into a wall. Brutal swipes to get him away from me. "Understand, what?" 

           Herlof spun to avoid me and I gritted my teeth. Feet skid to ground themselves.

           “You’re just like the others.”

           I could see his drunken demeanor changing. A switch flipping on.

           “Herlof, stop,” I seethed, spinning with my staff to counter his attacks. More violent as he went.

           “You don’t get to speak my name. My mother warned me,” he stated more to himself and I slowed. Oh. “I thought you would understand…the pain. You know what it’s like. I saw it in your eyes. I was wrong. We're already dead, aren't we?” 

           Stunned, I didn’t have time to react when he hit the staff from my hands. Herlof looked at me with an expression I knew. One that put every face of those who had hurt you on the shoulders of your opponent. 

           He ran at me lightning quick. I slipped but grabbed his staff to stop him. We stayed there, pushing against each other before his fist cocked back in a sudden motion to punch me in the face. Stars burst against my eyes. Throbbing. I flew backward a few feet and slid on my side against the mud. My cheekbone pulsed painfully, heating when I touched it. 

           Our audience grew stunned too before Thor called out, standing.

           “He cannot do that!”

           Loki was at his side, jaw slack.

           “Keep it clean!” The announcer yelled but Herlof was advancing as I scrambled up, tossing mud in his face to slow him. Hands yanked me back by the wrist and lifted me with one beastly palm around my neck. 

           I kicked and clawed, closing my eyes when the rage on his face burned into me.

           “Just like her,” he squeezed the air from me roughly, “mother.” Tried to crush me. 

           Herlof’s voice broke.

           “I’m not her,” I gasped. “And you’re not…my father. You have...a choice. You're choosing wr...wrong. Herlof-” Unable to continue, my body panicked when no more breath came into it before that awakening inside me thrilled up my bones again. Plucked veins with no remorse.

           I knew what I wanted and I would let myself have it.

           I remembered the burn of my scream when my father attacked me. The couch skidding backward. The sweltering fire inside my nerves. Violet light erupted from my chest and sent us both flying away from each other. A shock wave cast over the stadium. Over Asgard.  

           Dazed, I gave a high-pitched gasp when air charged into my needy lungs. Someone leapt between us until Thor had Herlof up by his leather armor. Colder hands gripped me, jerking me to my feet into a lean frame while I coughed. Hacking for air and grasping threads.

           The audience kept yelling before the most terrifying voice echoed.

           “Silence!” Frigga was standing just above us now, powerful and calm. Voice illuminated with magic. Loki cradled my face until I registered it was him holding me. Blindly, I gripped his shoulders with a wheeze. His lips moved to shoot frantic questions. Syllables that didn’t reach me.

           “The spars are over for today, you’ve gone too far,” Odin marched out into the field. “Clear the area, now!” Instantly, people raced up into the stands at his command. Thor dropped Herlof into a heap. “Guards.”

           “Wait,” I rasped, pulling from Loki only to set my hands on my knees, gulping for air still. “He’s a drunk. Our blood was boiling. That’s all.” I wiped the mud from my hands and stood taller.

           “You cannot be serious,” Loki uttered behind me.

           “My King,” I swallowed and stepped toward him. “You know how warriors get during the heat of battle.” 

           I didn’t know why I was trying to spare Herlof. He didn’t deserve it. Boiling warrior blood was certainly no excuse. The cycle of abuse had touched us both. I felt fortunate when I watched him, that I'd not surrendered to it. I hoped not. There were no perfect survivors. Eyes flickered, gave him a look when he stood up that assured him this would be the only chance and pity he got from me.

           “You’re suspended from the training grounds. Three months. Go.” Odin pointed and Herlof cast me one look before leaving, guards escorted him out. Loki came to my side, one arm went around my waist as he clasped his hand into mine to keep me upright.

           “Father, she’s hurt.”

           “Please don’t take me to the healing room,” I breathed heavier, waving the help off. The royal family and I remained now as Odin came to me, lifting me onto a short ledge like I weighed nothing.

           “Nonsense, three skilled healers are around you,” the king carefully tilted my chin up to rest his hands on my throat. I jolted and he paused, blinking his good eye at me. “Apologies.” When I nodded once after pulling myself together, I allowed the King to tend to me. Light at his fingertips. “Bruised. Have care with your neck and voice. You should feel better tomorrow.”

           “Three skilled healers,” Thor crossed his arms. “I can use a healing stone, you know?”

           “And you do that very well, my darling,” Frigga wiped Thor’s cheek with a handkerchief before she kissed it.

           “The light.” I stated softer. Desperately trying to piece it all together. “Which…Which one of you pulled us apart?” Frigga shook her head before Odin did and Loki sighed, arms crossing.

           “That was you.” He offered and my mouth fell open. Frigga shifted to heal my cheek and she had to hold me in place as I looked around at them. Not believing it.

           “Me?”

           “You have a higher capacity for magic it seems.” Odin observed before Loki could speak. “One that shouldn’t go ignored. I recognized this in Loki when he was just a babe. The size of a loaf of bread.”

           “Not much changed there, brother,” Thor commented in jest before Loki pushed at his shoulder and came forward.

           “She knows that she can do some form of magic. Showed me a long while ago in our library. Well, I encouraged it. We were curious. I was…curious.” Loki pulled his gaze from me and added a quiet after-thought because his parents eyed him. Picking at his hands out of habit. “Nothing happened.”

           “You could teach her something. Like mother taught you,” Thor grabbed Loki’s shoulder but was shrugged off.

           “I’m not taking students, brother. You all know this.”

           “But, why? She’s our friend. She’s my skilled warrior first, of course, but…we all saw what just happened.” Thor cocked his head and he meant so well. “She can train here mainly still but what is the harm in magic on the side?”

           Loki didn’t like that wording by his changing facial expression. Thor's obliviousness was always his undoing with his brother.

           “Magic is more serious to me than some side hobby, Thor.” Loki clenched his jaw. “I don’t expect you to understand. You never try.”

           “You knew of her capacity and you didn’t come to me with it.” Odin stood taller to gaze at his son. “You know what happens when matters such as this go unmonitored. Her gifts are not that of a normal Asgardian. That much is certain.”

           “It was a fleeting trick." Loki snipped, head shaking. "A test. Nothing more.” 

           “Was that all it was?” I met Loki’s eyes and his chest sank.

           “By the nine, you’re all making her uncomfortable. This isn't the place to discuss it.” Frigga huffed and took my wrist to pull me with her, away from the three men.

           “It is not as if I shall be here long enough to get a proper lesson out,” Loki pushed past Thor and started to stalk off.

           “Loki!” Odin stopped him sharper.

           “What is he talking about?” Thor looked as though someone kicked him while he was down. Poor puppy.

           “We were going to address it during the meeting tomorrow afternoon with the warriors and Elder Council,” Odin sighed and shook his head. Calculating how to say this. “There are offers from other realms.”

           “Offers?” Thor took offense, gesturing to his brother. “Are we to just trade Loki like slaughtered cattle now? For what?”

           “The realms must stand together." Odin sounded more grave. "We have to think about the larger picture. The future.”

           “Loki and I are the larger picture. The realms will stand together without such trades!” Thor shot back, clearly upset. “They will stand because they know they need to. Not for petty trades of lives in bondage. Those ways are old. Loki belongs here at my side.”

           “It isn’t enough!” Odin raged in turn. "You do not understand it yet."

           “Does he even wish to do this?” Thor pointed as Loki grew somber, silent. I shrank back into Frigga while her hands touched my arms.

           “Loki knows his duty to our world. He’ll be proud to ensure the safety of Asgard. He’ll stand tall knowing that his choices are for the better of his home and for our allies. Can you say the same, Thor? Being a King means sacrifice. It’s about making harder decisions to benefit all of us.”

           Odin did not understand yet that Loki was the piece on the board Thor would never give up.

           “He’ll stand tall next to me when I take the crown! I cannot do it without him. We’ve done everything up to this point together, you’d rip that away?” Thor’s yell summoned a crack of lightning and thunder before Loki turned to run off, unable to deal with this any longer.

           “Loki,” I called. The rain picked up at Thor’s shouting before I raced from Frigga and the fighting. Into the brewing storm.

           The young prince disappeared down the entrance into the main hall of the palace where rows of massive statues lining the archways. Gold upon gold. Asgard’s valor and strength. History carved upon these halls. 

           “Loki! I know you’re here… You can come out.”

           No reply.

           “Hm. Which one. I wonder.” Stopping, I set my hands behind my back as I looked up. “Could it be the unfinished one with its own lift? You still have my terrible cloak wrapped around your arm, you know? Already lost one, I can't repeat that.” 

           My joke roused nothing. I could see his dark shadow atop the platform but he didn’t move or speak. 

           “Look, I know that lately you’ve been conflicted and you think you’re better off alone. And if you believe in your heart that you don’t want me here…I’ll go. Just tell me. I’ll let you think alone. We don’t have to speak. I just…want to be there for you.”

           The shadow tilted. 

           “I’m trying to be a good friend and sometimes it’s hard to let the pain of others in when your own is crippling you. But, I’m here and I care about you, Loki. Deeply. So deeply that I cannot always show it. Touch it. You can tell me to come back another time or place but know that I am here…right now for you. I wish that I could tell you that my being here will chase away all harm.” 

           Wind blew into the empty archways and I sighed against it. Rain lightly fell just beyond them. Misting my face. Gentle as fallen rose petals. 

           “I know how hard it can be.” I came forward to touch the marble platform. “You need a friend,” I coaxed. “Let me come up. I want you in my life for a very long time. Longer than even our concept of time can accommodate. It’s perfectly fine to be afraid and I wish I knew that growing up. I’m terrified. Let me come up, Loki. Let me be your friend today. It’s hard sometimes for me to…formulate my thoughts into coherent sentences and that’s frustrating but I know how I feel. I want… I just want to keep you.”

           Whatever that meant.

           There was a long beat as I gazed up at Loki. Unattainable above me. A click sounded and relief filled me when the lift lowered. Crawling onto it, I was pulled up to where Loki sat. He remained hunched and cross-legged, facing away from me to gaze at the view below. My cloak clutched into his arms still. Hands petting it aimlessly.

           “I’d like to have that talk.” He decided. Tender as I drew closer, crossing my legs to sit next to him. Loki’s eyes gazed down at his clasped hands, smoothing the fabric between them. “I was upset with you because I know in my heart that you’re worth so much more.”

           “So are you,” I whispered.

           “And my hesitation to teach you magic is not because I do not believe in you. Yes, I am worried somehow that you will lose interest. But, I am also thinking about the future. If your future takes you someplace better. Much better than here…I do not want to be what ties you down.”

           “You felt what I did in that moment.”

           “Of course, I did. I don’t have you around as a decoration. I cannot even go through my last five happy memories without you being in them.” He’d scoffed, flicking his eyes once. “That day with the last hunt. Everyone in the east forest.” 

           “We’d both woken early and wandered. Said we were just getting a head start. Found that peach tree and sat in it eating fruit until we couldn’t take anymore. Watched the sunrise.” I beamed recalling it. “We didn’t catch a damn thing.”

           “Not a thing.” Loki added, stilling to see my face. “I cannot risk pulling you from a good life. Even if it means we must part.” He sniffed there, brow twitching. 

           My heart warmed and finally, how I thought I’d feel connected with how I did feel. I felt loved. I wanted to offer it in turn. 

           “It is not my wish to leave Asgard.” Loki spoke. “But, if father decrees that I must marry, there is little I can do to stop it. I’m the second born. I serve the realms more than any other.”

           “I don’t believe he wants to lose you and I know for a fact Thor will fight it. The King has a lot on his shoulders. So do you.” I tucked a stray black lock behind Loki’s ear and let my hand come down to touch his shoulder. “We could run away, see if that tree grew us more peaches. There was nothing better.”

           “Thor.” Loki tried to chuckle. “Foolish dreamer, he is. He’ll shout and ruin Asgard with rain but father will not bend to such things. We should never have left that tree. I wish I knew that then.” His eyes dropped down from my face when emotion shook his voice. “I cannot…” Loki’s tone hitched and he took my hand in both of his.

           “I’m here.” I coaxed, lacing our fingers. “It’s just you and I right now.” Loki pressed his eyes shut and shook his head, unable to speak for a moment. Everything clutched in and released.

           “I am being torn to shreds here,” he whispered thicker, “there will not be anything left of me. I cannot act on what I-” Loki cut himself off and lifted his hand toward my face before hesitating and grasping my arm. He squeezed, head shaking again. A rush overcame him.

           Unable to stop myself, I came forward and slid my arms around his shoulders tightly. Loki just froze there against me when I came up on my knees to hold him. Tight as I could hoping it was enough. I felt his pulse speed up, chest heaving for a sudden breath before a sob muffled into my neck. My hand came to cradle Loki’s head in response.

           Arms wound around my torso, I let him hold onto me and cry like he hadn’t been able to in years. Just stayed there and allowed him to mash his face into my neck, hands grasping for my shoulders and hair. Burrowing into me. Seeking comfort. I would have let him crawl inside my soul if he could. 

           Smoothing palms along his back to calm him, I waited for Loki to gain control of himself back and lean out. Some mud from me had rubbed against his cheek and my lips upturned when I wiped it away with my sleeve.

           “We’re both a mess still,” I managed. Loki sniffed before he looked somewhat amused. The sharp angles of his expression shifted to delicate edges. 

           “Thank you,” he forced his gaze aside and hid his face to wipe the tears from it. I took his chin to get him to peer at me again.

           “You don’t have to thank me. We’re friends. Remember? We always will be.” I began to dust the dried mud from his clothing. “You’re important to me. I want you to be so happy, Loki.”

           “I’m sorry that drunken ass harmed you today.” Came his response instead.

           “I don’t expect Herlof to like me anytime soon.” I shrugged. “Should be interesting.” Loki calmed himself fully and smoothed his hair back with one hand before offering me my cloak.

           “I would like to apologize to you about something else.” He looked at my face again once I slipped the fabric from his fingers. “I do not ever wish to make you feel as though I am looking down on you. The shopping…and the cloak.”

           “Oh, Loki, that wasn’t you.” 

           “Still. You work hard and I want to be good to you as a friend, if that means treating you once in a while. When I offer you gifts, it is not out of charity; it is simply because I do care and when I am not able to show that emotionally…I use material goods.”

           “You did show me.” I managed to smile, hands clasping together. “If it helps? You showed me just now.” Loki’s spirits brightened at that. “I know you’re not comfortable openly displaying all of your feelings and I can appreciate that you’re trying. I think I should learn to cool myself when I’m offered gifts…you’re just being kind. I do over-analyze everything.”

           “I desire one last favor from you.”

           “Yes?”

           “Attend the meeting tomorrow. It’s open to warriors, as often much of the information applies to them. Father will likely cover the subject of my future near the end. Say, three o’clock?”

           “I’ll be there.”

           “I think that I greatly needed this.”

           “Perhaps you’ll be back to your smirking self by tomorrow. Charming all who face you.” I resumed swiping his cheek with my hand. “Maybe after a bath.”

           “And you, next time I see you on the training grounds, I better see a weapon you enjoy using your hands.” Loki’s words warmed me. “If it takes eons, we’ll find your specialty. But for now, pick something you like at least.”

           His hand covered mine. Hearts stilling.

           “I think I can manage that.”

** ** **

           “Excuse me,” I whispered, carefully making my way through the crowds coming in. “Pardon me.”

           “Here,” a hand waved for me before Fandral smiled when I rushed and took the seat next to him.

           “How was the move in this morning?” I asked as more Asgardians filtered inside. I’d snuck in during the recess before another session would begin.

           “Dull. I’m throwing a party in my new quarters. South tower. You should come.”

           “Should be interesting. I miss you already.”

           “I miss my cozy little home but living here is more convenient.” Fandral shrugged. “You should apply.”

           “As if I’d be accepted.”

           “Queen Frigga loves you and likely prefers you for a child over Thor and Loki some days.” He got me to chuckle. “She’d push it through.”

           “What have they covered so far?” I changed the subject, smiling.

           “Talk about honored warriors and how proud we’ve made Asgard once again for protecting it and bringing balance. Elders rambled on for two hours about official nonsense. Heimdall reports nothing out of the ordinary.” 

           The rows of seats filled up about the room while King Odin took his place below. Those around us began to hush when Frigga joined him at his side. A slow moving hologram of Asgard was emitting from the floor and just beyond it was Thor, arms crossed in deep thought. 

           I could have mistaken him for a marble statue, so stoic and perfectly still. Loki was seated to Frigga’s left, scanning the crowds before I subtly waved at him. Gaining a nod, I lifted my lips and turned back to Fandral.

           “Have you talked to Thor today?”

           “From the looks of him, would you try?” He countered.

           “Point taken,” I nodded, pressing my hands on the cold stone. “Oh, I got you something for your new room. It’s just a small tapestry to hang up. Saw it and thought of you.” I pulled a rolled bundle from my bag and slid it to Fandral. He kissed my cheek and accepted it.

           “I’ll hang it up right away once I get back.”

           “Now that we’re all back in attendance, it's best we continue to our last and more pressing matter.” The King’s voice echoed. “I have sought the counsel of our Elders and my many trusted advisors. We’ve agreed it best to start discussing methods to strengthen our relations to our sister realms...”

           Chatter of agreement followed. 

           “...Sending and receiving warriors in our time of need to further our diplomatic relationships assists in balancing the mighty branches of Yggdrasil. Protects those in dire need. Foremost, the obvious first choice is a formal and permanent union. Alfheim and Vanaheim, our great allies, have both expressed interest in my youngest son.” 

           My hand slipped into Fandral’s and I caught his gaze before he locked his fingers into mine. Loki stood to come to Odin’s side. Dignified as can be. No expression in his face. Fiddling with his hands again. Odin resumed. 

            “The Elders and I have even spoken about unions between Jotunheim and Nidavellir as a means to create peace based on a bonding treaty. Mending what needs mended for peace above all. Your royal Prince and my treasured son has agreed to do what must be done.”

           People were clapping and that was when I saw Thor finally move. Marching to the middle of the room with a determined expression.

           “This will be good,” Fandral leaned toward my ear.

           “But, these plans will no longer come to pass.” Thor’s mighty voice carried over all other sounds. “Asgard has worked to fight and build trust with the other realms. We’ve courted war and destruction to ensure their safety and freedom. Our influence over Yggdrasil has grown from our birth. We are but gods of war and peace.” The applause continued and I shot Fandral a look.

           Thor was engaging his father in a game.

           A game I knew well.

           Odin took one step forward and Frigga stood but Thor was faster.

           “The burden and glory of the throne will one day fall to me, Thor Odinson, first in line and standing heir to the crown. I seek to rule with honor, power, and mercy. Swift justice and benevolence when needed. My King father and Queen mother have taught me the ways to gain love and respect from Asgard. I love Asgard in turn with all my heart and shall always wield Mjolnir as both prince and warrior, in all of your names!” 

           The clapping grew and Odin was just standing there now. I wondered if he was equal parts furious and impressed by his expression. Thor’s might piqued when his brother was on the slab.

            “I have been taught to fight and fight I shall. For every one of you and for the realms around us. But, as I have been taught the importance of balance to the worlds…I have neglected the one person who has brought balance to me. Loki. My brother. Your Prince. Without his council, I would not be half the man I am today. Which is why I, too, have made a choice. Should Loki be traded out to another realm, I will refuse the throne of Asgard.” Thor turned and looked at Odin as my mouth fell open.

           Uproar followed.

           “Checkmate,” I’d murmured under my breath. 

           That was when the mix of applause and shouting began. Elders banged their fists. Warriors got up and cheered. Light filtered in and turned Thor’s skin to gold.

           The Norns were probably laughing at us with glee beyond the veil. These words would ring so true down the line. If only we'd known what we had done.

           “Can he do that?” Fandral gawked. Loki stood there slack jawed, catching himself. I blinked a few times. 

           “Uh. He just did. Publicly.” 

           Thor put his arms up to silence everyone around him so he could speak; however, only half the sound cut out. Ferocity rising. But, Thor was always louder. 

           “I will refuse!” He pointed to his shocked father. “I will only take the crown under the condition that his royal highness, Prince Loki, my brother…my greatest council and next in line after me…stays by my side. He will replace all head advisers when my reign and watch begins.” Thor’s pointed hand swept to the elders behind Odin. “Every single one. I will be appointing my own advisors and retiring the Elders.” 

           This drew out more shock and awe. Thor would shake the entire government of Asgard to keep Loki here. To change Asgard for the better. I could have sobbed right there. If this marked his heart as selfish, I hope that grew like spring flowers.

           “I will not take the crown any other way.”

           “You do not know what you are putting at stake, boy!” Erikur called, furious.

           “That’s no boy.” I shook my head and whispered. “That is a man.”

           “I might be in love with Thor,” Fandral joked in a silent mutter.

           “He is right, Thor. Stand down.” Odin tried to calm his eldest son. Didn't dare to call the bluff though. Loki stood frozen, hands clutching the pedestal in front of him as the King stood between him and his brother.

           “I cannot rule effectively without Loki at my side. The ways of old die with our rebirth.” Thor clenched his fists. He was not bowing or shaken. I’ve never seen him with this much determination. Conviction. This much might. And it was all for Loki. A powerful act of true love that no fairy tale could dream of portraying. “It will be Loki and I. Together. Always. Or nothing.” 

           Fate would laugh so at this hour. We’d all been so young and foolish. What a punchline we set up.

           “You would put Asgard at risk like this.” Odin examined his son, knowing full well that he had lost this battle. Frigga had her hands to her lips as she watched the scene, unable to speak.

           “I am not, father. You are. You and your council are in control. I simply offer the many results.” Thor bowed his head. Odin stood there, clenching his jaw before he spoke.

           “This meeting is adjourned.” He turned to go out and the Elder Council readied to follow before he swept his hand. “Leave me!” 

           The doors slammed and there was a beat where everyone was frozen before Thor grabbed for Loki’s wrist to bring him out, putting their hands up in the air together. Cheer elicited. Warriors clapped before the advisors and elders filed out the back door with haste. As the room quieted, people stood to offer words or leave before Frigga came forward to whisper in Thor’s ear and then Loki’s, kissing them each once before going.

           “My lady,” Fandral managed. “My hand. You’re going to crush it. I might need it.”

           “Oh,” I released him. “Sorry.”

           “You didn’t really think our favorite sorcerer would be sent away, did you?”

           “For a split second, I might have.” I said so Fandral gestured.

           “Well, go on already. Go congratulate them. They both are in a load of trouble so you might want to do it while you can.” 

           Fandral’s words inspired me to race down the seats toward the brothers. Thor caught me in a hug and laughed, nodding to men and women patting him on the back as they passed him to go out.

           “That was amazing,” I came toward Loki but instantly stopped myself at the same time he did before I reached out. Loki took my hand and shook it in an official gesture, smirking lightly. “Well, my prince, I am glad that you shall be staying with us for a bit longer.”

           “Oh, sweetheart, your words are most kind.” He offered in return before Thor huffed and squished us together with his massive arms.

           “Do I have to do everything around here, brother?”

           “If you do not like that now, you certainly won’t enjoy being King,” Loki commented. My face was muffled into his chest when I tried to speak.

           “Still here.” I wheezed before Thor allowed us to part. “You sound like your normal, impossible self already. You should celebrate tonight before your father imprisons you both and creates a new heir to spite you.”

           “As if mother wants another one of us to manage.” Thor’s jest caused us to laugh.

           “As if father does either. He might keep the throne for another few million years out of spite instead.” Loki nudged Thor’s side.

           “Did you see the Elder’s faces?” I covered my lips. “I thought Maven’s was going to slide right off and Torvar looked like you'd just sliced him in half. That was brilliant. Their days are numbered and they know it.”

           “You should go to mother before she speaks with father. She seemed to want to talk with you urgently about something.” Thor nodded and Loki sighed.

           “Yes, something about future apprentices. As if we didn’t just get more warriors and healers here to manage.” Loki smiled at me. “I’ll see you both later. Oh, and I suppose I should thank you, brute.”

           “My heart is full of your love and adoration, brother.” Thor mocked him before the sorcerer turned.

           “I’ll be seeing you, sweetheart.” Loki’s voice hushed when he kissed my temple in an idle gesture. I kept my eyes open and he lingered.

           “Certainly,” I waved to Loki while he went and Thor got pulled away from me by someone else for a moment. 

           A court lady at the door slid her arm into Loki’s and winked at him before a second joined them, whispering in his ear. Well, I did say that I wanted him to be his old self again. I’d live. Loki chuckled at some jests they offered and went off into the crowds. 

           I veered to face Thor, speaking to a fellow warrior. She grinned and clapped him on the back before leaving when Thor turned to offer me his arm. Smile radiating and infectious.

           “Might I escort you out? I have something for you.”

           “Really?” I took Thor’s offer and let him lead me off. Asgardians noted us together.

           “Yes. Don’t act so shocked.”

           “What is it?”

           “A surprise, it’s not far.” He beamed down at me so I huffed.

           “So, how did you know Odin would agree to your terms and not set you on fire where you stood?”

           “In truth, I didn’t. I expected to be set ablaze for all to see. You learn a lot in battle. I can play my tricks, same as Loki. Maybe louder.”

           “Risky.” I snickered, head on his bicep to giggle while he paused, noticing the light rain outside.

           “One moment,” Thor looked up and stepped forward slowly into the grey weather. Around us formed a kind of shield that didn’t allow the rain to hit our bodies. “That’s better. Come now.” Our arms laced tighter so he led me off once more.

           “What a gentleman.” I watched the circle of protection follow us, keeping the drizzle out still. Light filtered to create smokey rainbows shimmering.

           “How have you been since the battle?”

           “Oh? Better, I suppose. Figured a few things out that I wish I knew earlier but I cannot complain.” I flicked to see him.

           “Yes. I think I know what you mean.” Thor looked down when I touched my head to his shoulder and squeezed his arm briefly. Thankful for this day. Thankful I was alive.

           “Thank you, Thor, for everything,” I whispered and he knew what I meant.

           “Do not thank me just yet.” He touched my head with his free hand and kissed my hair. “In here.” We entered the shop of a local smith and I paused to look at Thor in question. “Is it ready?”

           “Yes, your highness, it was no trouble.” The young apprentice handed Thor a wrapped weapon before he set a bag of gold coins on the counter as payment.

           “Perfect. Hurry, this way.” 

           I was tugged back outside before I could question it and to a bench under a wide awning. 

           “Open it.” Thor set the gift in my hands after we sat down. Untying the fabric, my hands flew to my lips.

           “Thor…” I blinked, caught off-guard. “How? Why? When…? How?” Unable to create sentences, I stared down at my old sword and dagger, perfectly sharpened and polished.

           “It seemed important to you. Hogun showed me where. I dove in and retrieved them. All they needed was a little care and affection to be good as new. Wrestled a few fish for them but it was no issue… I wanted to make it up to you. The battle.” Thor’s smile drew bright when I glanced back up at him and beamed before trapping him in an embrace.

           “Thank you. Really, I mean it.” I cupped Thor’s face, blond hair fell between my fingers. “Thank you…so very much. You’re amazing.”

           “Time to create your own path.” Thor took my shoulders when I let him go. “You’ll find what you love and this will be a fine start. What I did today. I knew it was better for the throne and Asgard, but it was also selfish against my parents because losing Loki is something I can never do. You’re allowed to be selfish, even if it is against your own blood.” 

           I contemplated that.

           “I understand. I think you’re right and I’ll consider that in the future.”

           “Good.”

           One last thing to do.

           Betray my past.

** ** **

           It isn’t possible to love her.

           Be good.

           Obey.

           The many words granted to me from my parents swirled. Unforgiving waters that drowned. I pressed myself against the wall and listened as I usually did. Of course, it was impossible to trust them.

           “What did she tell you about today?” My father began.

           “She was with her friend, Fandral. Usually they meet with the others.” My mother replied shortly. She always told me that she wanted what was best for me and I knew my father wanted what was best for him. In their minds, the one thing that bound them together was that these desires overlapped. I was the key to their futures.

           “I don’t want that scheming, manwhore around her. Ruining her one of these days. She’s too friendly with him.”

           “He’s always been good to her. He could teach her things.” My mother’s tone made my stomach curl. Always so blissfully ignorant of me and of her own husband. Maybe she liked it better than way. She'd rather I pretend. She'd rather I never come to her with my issues because it was too much for her.

           “I suppose. Better than her hanging around the young prince. Feminine little brat, preferring magic. Lurking about and pranking those around him. She’s drawn to him, I can tell. The ways she talked about dreams of magic and how talented he is. She fawns.” My father sneered.

           “He’s too odd and he’ll never be tied down. Not after that news that he wouldn’t move off land to marry. Why else would he disagree? He wants to be free here.” My mother’s voice, all soothing. “I don’t like her with him either but if it means she’ll be closer to Prince Thor… It could be good.”

            What?

           “She cannot be a great warrior and she cannot land a wealthy man. What good is she to us? I have tried to fix her. You let her get away with too much. That unruly nature, you know where it comes from. You let this happen.”

           “Perhaps, I’ve sheltered her too often.” Mother sighed and my heart clenched up. Oh. That’s how she felt. “Prince Thor has taken a liking to her. The path is clear.”

           “We need more.” 

           “Other mothers talk about what they hear from palace servants. They are jealous of our daughter’s friendship with Thor. They’ve been seen together, looking much too happy. Prince Loki is strange and that alone is what draws her to him. She’ll back off eventually. He’s not someone she’ll go to for counsel or comfort. He'll never court a lady publicly. Thor will be the arms to fall into.”

           My parents did not just want me to marry rich.

           They wanted me to weasel my way into the very best.

           The richest bed in Asgard.

           I’d never felt like such trash in all my life.

           Mashing my palm against my mouth, I slid further from the corner. It wasn’t this clear until now. The end game. I did not think it was this serious to them. I didn’t want this. Any of this.

           “She’ll do what’s best for her.” Mother went on quietly.

           “We need to get out of this gutter. You know how many daughters are being thrust at the King’s heir?” My father got harsh in his words

           “Ours is closer to him than any of them. She's been friends with the Warriors Three, Lady Sif, and the princes since she was a small child. Romancing Prince Thor has never been closer.”

           “She needs to act fast. One lay and an accidental pregnancy-”

           Unable to hear anymore, I slipped back into my room and let my anger seep. Bleed out. Burn. Consume. My soul shriveled up with it.

           That’s what I was in the end to them.

           I was not their daughter, but a mere extension.

           A piece.

           A pawn.

           A punchline.

            Unable to stop myself, I lashed out when that bleeding heat fell down my cheeks. My fist crashed into the mirror, shattering it along the reflection. Pieces rained like snow.

           This wasn’t my house.

           My parents didn’t know what was best.

           I have to be selfish.

           I don’t want to play this game anymore.

           I want to die.

           I want to live.

           Shaken, the pain along my knuckles registered before someone knocked at my door.

           “Are you all right?” My mother called. I just stood there, bleeding out onto the floor in slow drips. Ruby red dribbles.

           You did this to me.

           No, I am not okay because I love you and I hate you and I hate you more for making me so confused. I hate you for standing between that evil man and I, as if to protect me and then going on to guilt me and use me because you think I owe you. You brought him here and left me with him. I hate that you’ll never own up to hurting me and I hate more that you’ll never recognize that I needed you so much.

           She chose my father over me. No matter how it’s dressed up. Every single time. Instead of kicking him out when I was a child, she kept him in the house and truthfully, I didn’t care for her reasoning anymore. I didn’t care for what kindness she did do for me. However slight.

           You want to stay with him. That monster.

           So stay. Let him eat you like he did with me.

           And here lie the worst thing I would do to my mother.

           Leave her behind.

           “I am fine,” I spoke through lying teeth. “Knocked something over.” 

           Laughter caved in my chest.

           “I’m fine, mother,” I grinned wide into the pieces of broken mirror around my feet. The many reflections smiled back at me, breathing heavier. A chorus. “I’m going to turn in early. Goodnight.”

           “Goodnight, darling. I love you.”

           “I love you too, mother.” Of course, I did. But, love was not an excuse.

           This I knew early. Not as early as I wished.

           When she had gone, I wrapped some cloth around my hand to stop the blood dripping from it and kicked the mirror pieces under my bed.

           What had I done?

           I encouraged them to think Thor liked me. More so as a means to torture my father. To protect myself. It had gone too far. It was treason on their part to push me to Thor for their gain. 

           Rain splattered my dress as I got out the window silently and backed up from my house. I could still just barely hear my parents beginning to shout at each other about some nonsense. No more. I couldn’t do this any longer. I had to live. I had to fight.

           I needed to tell someone. I needed out of this hell. So, I ran. Without a cloak or a care, I ran as fast as I could through the rain until the palace came into view. Until the lights pulled me in. Until the person who I did, in fact, go to for counsel and comfort came to mind. Their name rested on my lips.

           Loki.

           He always knew what to do.

           I’m frightened.

           I must do this.

           Fate took me far from my house. From the game I played so well.

           But, I knew. My heart knew.

           Fate would find another board to place me upon.

           This time, I’d fight it. I promised myself that much.

           Fate could not have me. Outstretched hands from a distant veil that dared to caress my skin. I had to keep running. Fate and destiny be damned. I wouldn't stop. 

           Even if it were a child's prayer.

Chapter Text

         Light pulled from Asgard while rain fell heavily. Stars trying to peek down and twinkle. My skin chilled. But, I kept moving until I passed the rows of pillars and made my way into the palace grounds. The path was clear. I crept through the court area and hallways. 

         Loki. I could talk to him. Loki always knew what to do. What to say. Newfound hope entered my body. I'd sprinted toward his room. I needed to see him. My heart picked up and I was knocking on his door. Please be here. I’d march right up to him and tell him everything right now. I’d fix this.

         “Yes? What…What is it?” Loki appeared, looking disheveled when he quickly came out and blocked my view inside his room; he held the door cracked behind him. I met his green eyes and nervously swept my hand through my wet locks to fix them. Aware of how I must have looked there with huge eyes. Water was dripping from my skin, hair, and clothing. No cloak. Chattering. A wounded animal. “What were you doing in the rain?”

         “I…yes, I forgot my…” I trailed off as he observed me and shuffled my feet. “I wanted- ...I needed to tell you something.” Spit it out.

         “I am in the middle of something,” Loki, almost impatient, shifted. Blush in his cheeks. “What did you need?”

         “Sorry, I realize I caught you getting ready for bed,” I eyed his clothing. Tunic open, giving me a view of his pale chest, and his pants sat unlaced under the lines of his hips. Loki pressed his legs together awkwardly, eyes flicking from me and away several times. I tilted my head, rambling on. “I shouldn’t be coming here this late but I had to. A lot happened since the meeting and I needed to tell you what I just found out-…I just really needed to see you. I don’t know how to say this.”

         “Well?” He paused, seemingly embarrassed. “Look, it is not my intention to…I am afraid that I… Can this wait?”

         “I just-”

         “Your highness?” A soft voice called from Loki’s room. Too many mortified dots connected. Stuffing down my throat to choke me.

         “We’re waiting,” another added, giggling. I took a step back when Loki’s eyes locked back onto mine. Oh. 

         Air left my body before I reminded myself to breathe.

         “Quiet!” He near hissed. “Give me a moment.”

         “Ah.” I stammered like an idiot. “You’re… They… I’m sorry.” My stomach churned. Face welling hot. Flames that burst. I’m so stupid.

         “What did you need?” Loki persisted, his gaze hardening and I shook my head. "Tell me."

         He snatched my wrist to make me see him. Pleading.

         "Listen," he whispered my name, barely connecting the syllables, "this isn't-"

         “You're prince of Asgard, who you have is no one's business, Loki. Least of all, mine. You can have anyone... It was silly,” I shook my head again quicker, clasping my hands behind my back. I squeezed my wounded knuckles and tried not to wince as the pain kept me rooted back to the Earth. I pressed my fingers into the cut and felt sick relief in it. I’m so stupid. 

         “I wanted to make sure...you were okay after, you know, that meeting. It's been a...a big week.” I smiled tighter and thought my face would crack. Spit the words out! Why am I such a coward? “And I… We’ll talk. Later maybe.”

         Loki cocked his head at me and I kept smiling, a blush apparent all over my body while I played it off. Or tried to. 

         “…That is all?”

         “Yes. I’ll let you get back to, ah...right.” Embarrassed beyond belief, I lowered my head and turned to go, speeding a bit down the hallway before he could get a word in. 

         I felt Loki watching me before he closed his door so I stopped abruptly next to a column when my legs felt weak. I’m so stupid. Alone, I had to press my hand over my mouth to stop from sobbing when hot tears poured down my face. Glossing my cheeks.

         Why was I crying? Loki can do whatever-or whomever-he wants. I was so close to telling him. My gut twisted and I heaved for air like smoke filled my lungs. Damn coward. Stupid. Catching my reflection in the glass across from me, everything chilled and I backed up. 

         Could have burst out of my skin utterly. Trapped with his horrible truth and the fact that I just mashed it down at the first sign of red. I should have told him.

         Instead, I jogged down the hall to escape from my own reflection. I couldn’t look at myself and I was freezing cold but burning up with I don’t know what and I hated it. All so ugly. Seeping tar under marrow. Pulling me into the floors. 

         Turning with another hallway, I went faster and ignored the odd looks I got from attendants. Aimless. Still bleeding from my knuckles. I spun the next corner and almost bumped into someone. Not breathing. Feet skidded to a halt and slipped, falling with a thud on my ass. Everything came to a head and I burst into tears. So goddamn stupid.

         “Oh my…” I heard a woman gasp and realized it was the Queen I’d almost run into and it was the Queen’s feet I was now crying at. No amount of scolding would stop it, sobbing openly. Could have ripped out my hair to help stop the flow of tears. 

         “Leave us,” Frigga beckoned for her ladies to go because I was still crying, my face now hidden in my hands. 

         My thoughts went to Loki and those women who were probably touching his skin and hair while he whispered in their ear and I hated feeling so small because of it. I thought of all the other people he’d probably had, maybe even loved and the realization that he would never feel about me like I felt about him cut into me. Deeper than I’d ever let on. 

         Crying over a man in front of his mother. That had to be some new record of pathetic.

         It wasn’t Loki’s fault I felt like this. It wasn't on the beautiful ladies touching him now either. I just needed to get the words out. I needed to betray my own parents. I had to be strong and help myself. I was just so tired of being afraid of everything and that fear stopping me from living.

         Frigga touched my shoulder and compelled me to rise.

         “Come with me, dear. I wish for you to tell me all about it.” Gentle fingers fixed my curls aside. 

         Sniffling, I allowed her to lead me off, into the bustling healing room. Winding down for the night. Healers paced about to work on Asgardians sitting around the different tables and I looked aside. Moira waved across the way but didn’t approach when she saw my face.

         “I’m sorry, my Queen. I didn’t mean to.” I stammered along, Frigga brought me into another empty room and sat me down. She put a blanket over my shoulders so I held it around myself. Elegant hands rubbed warmth into me. Soft smile. All tenderness.

         “Hush, calm yourself and dry off. Second time I find you soaking wet, I should gift you an umbrella.” Frigga took a seat at the table with me and I let out a slow breath to settle down. “What brought you to this?” 

         I didn’t know how to begin at this point. 

         “I am aware that you’ve issues within your home, it’s become apparent as the days pass. Why not start with this,” she took my red hand, “while I heal it for you?”

         “I…” My gaze flickered down again and she touched my chin gently.

         “You can share anything with me, dear. You do know that, yes?” She smiled with all her beauty and I swallowed the lump in my throat. “You are a wonderful companion to both my sons. Let me assist you. You need only ask.”

         “My Queen, I-”

         “Frigga.” She corrected me. “I’ve told you before.”

         “Frigga, I shouldn’t speak about…it’s just that, it is about my parents.”

         “You are afraid to speak ill of your family. They are no reflection of you.”

         “My parents were good, loyal warriors. Retired now and I… They aren’t…”

         “Being a respectable warrior is not the same, nor does it make you a respectable parent,” she spoke and I wanted to cry again  when her words struck me. Too hard to explain.

         “It wasn’t always like this…or maybe I didn’t realize it. They’ve always pushed me to be a great warrior. A great daughter. I’ve done everything they’ve ever asked… Behaved. Tried to be good and somehow it hasn’t felt like enough when they look at me. Does that make sense?”

         Frigga nodded, smiling to encourage me to go on so I allowed her to unwrap my hand. Her eyebrows went up when she saw the cuts across my knuckles.

         “How did you receive this?”

         “I lashed out and accidentally broke a mirror,” I waited for her to shake her head but instead she went on to begin healing it. “I don’t want you to hate me,” I confessed in a squeak.

         “You may confide in me,” the Queen insisted so I took another breath.

         “My parents haven’t been, I don’t know, thrilled with me lately and I didn’t understand why. My mother knew that I was interested in healing and magic.”

         “It would suit you.” 

         “I know that I’m a good warrior and I can hold my own with steel easily but I want to learn new skills. I want more. Magic. It just felt right... After what happened on the training grounds, what the King said. Loki told me he would think on it.”

         “Loki still has much to learn on his own, perhaps he will one day,” Frigga offered. “Do not give up, if that is your wish.”

         “That’s just it, my parents don’t admire the thought of it one bit, they think I should pick up that axe and stick with it. I’ve ruined…ah… Time and time again, I’ve lowered myself to bring them up and been what they needed. They told me several times I should be normal, stick with Thor and my usual friends, and train only with them but…” I didn’t want to upset Frigga with what I was about to say.

         “Go on,” she continued healing. The rosy glow knit my skin back together.

         “Today, I realized that my parents don’t want me to be close with Loki. Because he’s trouble and he’s different and he’ll make me unpopular…and I’m sorry… I didn’t know they-”

         “Shh, continue now…”

         “It isn't just that. They kept pushing me to get closer to Thor and Thor is one of my closest friends too but they wanted me to…”

         “Oh, dear. You are not the only young woman being pushed at my elder son,” Frigga offered then and I realized she understood before I sighed, relieved. “Many guardians are trying to use their children, their daughters, to get closer to Thor because he will be King one day. They really believe I do not see it. I’m insulted. I was raised by witches and I see all.” Frigga smirked with a special glint. I knew where Loki had gotten that brand of mischief.

         “I didn’t know. I do care for your sons and I didn’t know that my parents…I swear, I didn’t think they would,” I really did not want to say it, “use me to get closer to your family. Not to that extent. I never tried to trick Thor. My relationship with him is honest.”

         “Using your children only to further your own happiness is selfish,” Frigga finished up and touched my face. “You are not at fault.”

         “If you don’t want me here anymore, I’ll understand.”

         “No, look at me,” I gazed at the Queen. “I stated that it is not your fault and you must believe that now. You must state the words to me aloud.”

         “It’s not…It’s not my fault.” Didn't sound funny. Not one bit.

         “There. Now remember that. I am very aware that you are close to my boys. I knew the moment I introduced you to them that you'd be perfect in their orbit. You wouldn't do such a thing. You have a good heart.”

         “Why is it that some people often treat Loki differently without getting to know him? Magic is everything to us.” I whispered and Frigga sat back.

         “I wish, with all my heart, that things could be different in that light. Few understand the relationship we sorcerers hold with the magical arts. I gave up much to be Queen." Frigga displayed this distant sort of melancholy she rarely seemed to touch. "There was a mold cast in Asgard long ago. Expanding it has been difficult. This is my home. I'll love and fight for it for the rest of my life. You don't follow blindly when you love something, you challenge it to be better.”

         “May I ask you something else?”

         “Of course.”

         “Why…did you teach Loki magic, and not Thor?”

         “Thor has his own skill set of interest and Loki… Loki is different but not in a way that is unacceptable at all. Though most seem to not distinguish a difference, I’m afraid. Our court is wrapped up in old ways. Odin and Thor are willing to change that. It takes time with…” She paused to see me. Smiled again. “I taught Loki magic because he spent far too much time in Thor and Odin’s shadows. I wanted to give him some sun.” 

         “Loki is one of my best friends, and I wish more could see him as I do. ”

         “So do I,” Frigga touched my face again and put some of my damp hair behind my ear. “Come with me into the healing room.” I stood, leaving the blanket, and followed her curiously. Eyes glanced down at my healed hand. “You are fond of my son.”

         “I’m close to both Thor and Loki.” My shoulders squared. "I'll fight beside them always."

         “So rehearsed dear. You feel differently for Loki.” She sighed without looking at me. Not needing to. All-knowing.

         “You sound like Fandral. If I say yes, would you tell him?”

         “It is your secret to hold,” Frigga went on as I watched her go through a glass case of medicines, herbs, and healing stones. “He is quite fond of you.” 

         Not in the way I wished he was.

         Frigga moved over to a warrior harboring a burn on his arm before she beckoned me over. 

         “You’ve used healing stones, yes?”

         “Yes, I learned to make them between battles. Watching.” I smiled after Frigga did.

         “Let me show you another way now,” she pointed to a page in a book and I peered over to see a basic healing spell. The first simple one healers seem to start with. I’d seen it done frequently enough. 

         “You said you’ve done some magic, try this one. Read."

         “It was just Loki’s test.” 

         “It is simple. Heal his arm for him. Read the spell. Mouthing the words can help beginners.” Frigged gestured out. “One hand over the burn.”

         The man held his wounded arm to me and I cradled it in one palm, concentrating while I hovered my free hand over the burn. Frigga coaxed me onward.

         “Very good. Feel your heart open fully. Concentrate on what you wish to achieve. You have to want it. More than anything. No hesitation. You’ve always known you could do this. You know it’s within you. The floodgates are already opened. You did that. Now focus them. You just have to want something and let yourself have it.” 

         The words flashed over my head. Seeming to burn between the fissures of my brain. Sparking synapses. I focused on them, mouthing the syllables. Concentrated every thought on healing and my palm glowed lavender. The power that was always there surged down my arm. Inhaling, I blinked when I finished, seeing the wound gone. 

         Alive. I felt alive.

         “Many thanks, milady,” he spoke kindly and I smiled.

         “You are welcome,” I turned to Frigga as she beckoned for me to follow.

         “You live quite far from the palace. You are also about of age to leave your home, what have you thought about doing?”

         “I am a warrior, I’m going to keep training and…”

         “Ah, yes, of course, our best warriors can eventually get residence in the palace dormitories. Fandral just moved onto our grounds and Sif has been with us for a long while, it seems.” 

         “Yes, I’ll keep training and I’ll get there.”

         “What if I told you, that if you also trained in healing under me, you could get residence quite sooner? While I am not able to take an official apprentice in magic, I’m sure one day that Loki will be ready.”

         “Work in the healing room? Would that be allowed of warriors?”

         “I lead the healing room." She smiled there. "My word goes. While you keep training…say, if you took a part time job as a healer under my teaching for just a couple days of the week in the palace. Just a few hours because we always need more hands and warriors with basic healing knowledge are valuable. You could do both, begin a bit of training in magic and we could arrange for you to receive your room while you work with me and my head ladies. I like my healers close.”

         “You would do that for me…?” Too afraid to hope, my awe still shined. 

         “No, you are doing it for yourself,” Frigga settled a graceful hand on my shoulder. Behind her, Moira smiled and turned to her studies. “Tomorrow, I can send for you, if you wish. The work may be dull for you here but-”

         “Yes, I accept. I’ll do anything you need of me,” I burst, smiling genuinely now. Seams tearing in perfect sequence. “Thank you.”

         “You must balance your time here and training still but I believe you can arrange that with ease. We’ll work with you to figure it.”

         “Yes, yes. I will, I want this. I’m so grateful… I will work so hard, I promise. Thank you, Frigga.” I felt for her hands. “I won’t let you down.”

         “No, I am grateful for you,” the Queen never did say why as she went on. “Rest and wait for my word. You will make a fine addition to the palace grounds. Your skills speak for themselves.”

         “Thank you so much,” I could have cried again but I didn’t, far too exhausted already.

         “Make your way home for now and find some peace,” she walked me out into the rain that was barely misting and beckoned for me to go but I paused. “Do not worry. I’ll handle the next steps.”

         “They sometimes say that you have the capacity to see parts of the future,” I stated then, feet shifting to the step. Frigga seemed to tower over me with the moons illuminating behind her. Cosmos expanding with wonder. “If that is true, would you ever say anything about it?”

         "I am afraid not,” Frigga smiled wistfully. I watched something somber befall her expression.

         “Why’s that?” I tilted my head up.

         “The future has never and will never truly be ours to know,” the Queen went on. “We must always have the power to create our own. That is true freedom.” 

         “I suppose that’s a fair thing.”

         “However, I am allowed to make it known when someone is important. A gentle nudge in one direction or the other isn't meddling.” Frigga’s smile radiated and I beamed, thanking her again. A hundred times over. “Go on now. We’ll talk soon”

         Heart overflowing, I hurried down the steps. Dress fluttering. Freedom inches away.

** ** ** **

         Two days. I couldn’t wipe the grin from my face while I sat perched under my usual tree. 

         A breeze through my hair as I glanced down at the official summons in my hand. I read the writing again for the fiftieth time and bit my lip, peering back to the sun. Shining in from the grey clouds. Asgardians paced along the grassy paths between markets. 

         Water in the broad pond gave off soft ripples while the crisp air gently swept over it. I felt peaceful. Like something in the world was fresh and new. My life was starting again and I’d be in the palace grounds, away from my empty little house. It was about me. Just me. The thought made me smile again.

         Passing giggles caught my attention.

         “It would have been marvelous.” 

         I turned over to peer from behind my tree. A group of glittering court ladies making their way to palace grounds. 

         “The young prince is a beast in his own way. At first, he was at least." 

         Asgard’s many court ladies were genuinely helpful and skilled women, they loved to gossip about the Elders which I secretly enjoyed. Always the life of the party and bright with encouragement for other girls. They had dirt on everyone higher up too. And they flaunted that.

         I couldn’t help it when I stood and lingered behind the group, acting like I was walking toward the palace among so many others. Distracted by my scroll. More Asgardians were pacing along the grounds and I strained to hear the girls ahead of me. I recalled these ladies from times when they often came to braid the hair of warriors before battles.

         “It would have been marvelous if we’d gone through with it, you mean,” another woman added. "It would have been fun, but, ah, well. I've had better."

         “Tell me what happened,” a third chimed in as the four gossiped. I wasn’t jealous. Call it curiosity. Sounded like I might have ruined the night.

         “You've had better than Prince Loki?" The first covered her lips to snicker. "I suppose there is truth to that. He is handsome though. Things were divine. A sorcerer’s hands are a gift. We were interrupted by someone and Prince Loki seemed too distracted when he came back.”

         “Agitated even, his mind was clearly elsewhere,” came the second. “Finally, he whispered the name of another woman, appeared even more annoyed, and got up in his distracted state. He couldn't even get aroused after that.” 

         They laughed and I tried not to snort at that, my cheeks dusted in flames. 

         "It was almost cute, he was pining. So, we left for the night. Clearly, our Prince Loki has a little something to work through and the Elders are not going to like it. Not one bit. Makes me all the more happy in fact. I hope he comes to his senses. It would shake up the court life for certain if he found himself a paramour formally."

         “Whose name was it?” Asked the fourth and I kept shuffling forward, my body screamed at them for the answer.

         “That shy, pretty friend of his. Warrior. Plump little hourglass, darker features. Blood and fire in her hair. You know, the strange one.”

         I’d never taken off running so quickly in my life.

         That’s me. The strange one. 

         That has to be me. He’d said my name. Mine. I wondered how he said it. Did he whisper it? Like a soft sigh. I pictured his voice and how it must have sounded laced in desire and, oh god, how embarrassing. 

         The strange one. That woman had me pegged and I wasn’t mad about it. By the time I’d come back to myself, I was knocking on Loki’s door and suddenly he was standing there. One eyebrow quirked up and I realized I had no idea why I’d come with the stupid smile still on my face. 

         “Here to lie again, sweetheart?”

         “I’m sorry…about that. I ruined your night and-”

         “How do you know that you ruined my night?” Loki asked and I shook my head to backpedal.

         “I don’t, I just…figured…I did. They were very pretty. From the sound of things.”

         “Yes, well you did not, I did it myself. I did not need your assistance to ruin my night, thank you.” He felt half-serious.

         “Good.” I flashed my teeth and kicked myself. ”Oh, that isn’t what I meant. I mean…you know what I mean.”

         “Will you perhaps think of a better lie this time?” He stated forwardly and my gaze snapped up.

         “I wasn’t-”

         “You really believed that I could not tell you were acting strangely?” Loki stood back and beckoned for me to come in, which I did after a moment. The strange one, my head said again. He closed the door before continuing, “you left a puddle in front of my door last night. Poor ladies almost slipped on the way out.” His lip quirked up and I glanced down when amusement crossed my still embarrassed features.

         “Sorry.”

         “Stop apologizing,” he ordered. “Sit.” I almost missed the armchair when I sat back at that command. Loki appeared entertained again and turned to cross the room. “Wine?”

         “No, thank you,” I watched his back while he poured himself a goblet of red and sat across from me comfortably, spreading his legs like he was on the throne. Loki sipped before licking his lips and I sat straighter when he set his goblet down.

         “I had a small, fascinating conversation with my mother recently.” Loki’s green eyes were doing that thing they always did, where they blazed holes into me so I glanced down at my hands in my lap. How much did he know?

         “Oh? About what?”

         “You are going to be healing in the palace and you will also be moving here to the dorms. How fortunate.”

         “I suppose,” I spoke, “it just happened.”

         “However did that come about?”

         “Oh… Well, I’ve been wanting…to move out just because I’m…at that age, you know? Thousands of years and whatnot. I take my training seriously and I’m better served here.” I smiled what I hoped was a convincing smile because you never knew with Loki.

         “That so? I suppose you are right but that also does not correlate fully with the conversation I overheard after you left a rain puddle at my door.” Loki was still staring at me and I hadn’t even looked up as I furrowed my brow. I should have known. Loki and his illusions. His projections. Watchful eyes. “Now, I am aware as to why I've never met your parents.”

         “How did you hear?” I cleared my throat. I’d told Frigga that I had feelings for him, oh god, did he hear it?

         “Materialized a replica to trail after you. Though, I had to stop sometime after my mother stated that it was not your fault. It's a bit rude to leave my body while I'm in bed with someone.” Loki sipped his wine again and I sighed, relieved, he hadn’t heard. “I started it again, once I told those ladies to leave. Pushing my mind elsewhere was far too distracting and took more out of me than I had originally perceived. Though, I suppose I needed the practice.”

         “I’m-”

         “If you apologize again, I swear-”

         “…alright.” I paused, “so you heard most all of it.”

         “That is correct.”

         “Are you upset?”

         “Not for the reason you believe I am.” Loki watched me glance back up at him. “You are one of my closest friends. Next time, I foremost expect you to spit the truth out while you leave rain puddles at my door. We've had a trying last few days, I don't blame you.”

         “Fair enough.”

         “As for the beings you regretfully derive your patronymic from: I care not for what they assume of me. My mother is far too aware that Asgardians similar to them are everywhere and she did appreciate that you confessed the truth to her when you knew.”

         “Am I foolish for wanting to hope that it will get better? Every time I thought they would…it all crumbled again and…” I paused, glancing down and looking back up at him. “I just don’t know anymore,” shrugging my shoulders finally, I sat back when he stood. "I wasted my life."

         “Fortunately, you have more life ahead of you. I do not think it is foolish to expect more from the people who raised you. Treating you as a future political piece and quest for gold is distasteful in all aspects.” Loki held out his cup to me. “Take a drink, you require it more than I do at the moment.” 

         Exhaling, I took the goblet and ended up drinking the entire thing in one swig. Loki took it back and was about to drink as he passed in front of my legs, realizing the cup was empty. An entertained look crossed his face before he went to pour more, waving his hand as magic did the work.

         “Thanks,” the wine warmed my stomach and I took another breather. “So you don’t believe I had anything to do with what my parents said?”

         “Are you only interested in marrying my brother one day and becoming his Queen?” Loki pressed his lips, gesturing. 

         “No, thank you.”

         “In that case, no.” Amusement lifted. He shifted to sit once more. “When are you moving onto the palace grounds?”

         “Frigga said it would be a few days,” I smiled. Slight and gentle.

         “Your parents must actually be thrilled at the prospect of you being closer to us. Easier to bag my brother.”

         “That’s all they could say. Nothing about the fact that I’d be working under the Queen in healing. Said ‘do you realize how important this is to us?’ and I’m so glad that they can look at me now and see such a valuable opportunity. Finally.” I scoffed bitterly, crossing my legs and Loki twitched. Liking that I was being forward even in anger.

         “Do you want another drink?”

         “No, no,” I waved my hand. “I may not stop.” Instead, Loki went on.

         “Once you are here, I imagine you will be far too busy to visit them. What a shame.” He paused and sat forward, taking another drink of wine before he set the goblet down on the table. “Mother said you did a healing spell. How was that?"

         "Natural." I said more so to myself. Eyes on my hands. "Like I was born to practice magic."

         "And you won't let me find you a tutor. A better one."

         "I've already chosen the best one." I stared pointedly at Loki. Watched him shuffle to look elsewhere, lip quirking.

         "How are you transporting your things?”

         “Not sure yet,” I replied and Loki's lips spread wider to flash teeth. Devious. “What is going through your head right now? Trouble, I bet.”

         “Salvation. My mother and I can send a carriage to get your things, but would I not be astounding in the mix if I was there to assist? Your dear friend. The prince with his royal escort.”

         “I think my parents might be partly afraid of you, to be honest.”

         “You are making it sound all the better. If you do not allow me, I am still going to show up.” Loki smiled and I bit the inside of my cheek to suppress my own grin.

         “If you must.” I stood up, “I have to meet Frigga soon but I’ll speak with you later.” The prince was quick to stand and approach me.

         “Do well to remember what my mother said.” Loki spoke, close and towering over me. “You harbor no blame and I expect you to leave that life behind you when you arrive here. To hell with them and their legacy. It won’t bind you any longer.”

         “Perhaps that is all I can do.”

         “Until that time,” Loki reached for my hand and pulled it up. “Do not lash out and fight with any more mirrors. We will have another little chat about that on a different day.” His thumb brushed over my knuckle and my lips parted with a breath. “Warriors and sorcerers alike must take decent care of their hands and I do rather appreciate yours.” 

         Cool lips pressed against my skin. Green eyes lingered on my face to see the breath catch before he pulled away. Loki and I looked at each other for a moment when he shifted toward me but I stepped back. My stomach churned over with something.

         “I’ll see you later.”

         “Yes, of course,” Loki didn’t move, fiddling with his hands. Bidding him farewell, I turned to go and shut the door on my way out.

** ** **

         “Prince Loki,” my mother almost dropped the plate in her hand and my father hurried into the room. Disbelief on his expression. “We did not expect you here. Forgive the mess.” They both bowed almost to the floor. Loki relished the attention behind me. We rode in near silence all the way here. 

         “Loki told me he would come to assist,” I piped up. "Did I neglect to mention that?" My father's stare blazed me but I refused him. Easily today.

         “I’ve a carriage to transport us quickly. We have to get back soon…as my brother wished to meet us and go riding for the evening.” Loki, clearly testing them, observed the change in expression and I tilted my head at the lie. He'd come to size them up, I realized.

         “Prince Thor?” My mother’s eyes grew so I went with it.

         “Yes. I’m going riding with him later to celebrate. We should hurry.”

         “Yes, yes, go on. Your highness, if you require anything, please do not be hesitant to ask,” my father added. I half expected him to pucker his lips and kiss Loki's ass. Which I'm certain had a fine shape to it. “I’m sure you’ve brought servants to put her boxes into the carriage.”

         “No, I figured magic would suffice. Our palace workers have more pressing matters.” Loki mused when they both faltered.

         “I’m going to show Loki to my room.” Idly, I took his hand. Numb somehow. Not really here. I led him through my small home. “You don’t come to the villages this far out, do you?”

         “No, not at all.” Loki was looking at our hands before I released him to shut my door. Let him observe my tiny space. Each and every corner.

         “This is my room…” I shifted my feet, feeling so small again. My little corner of the world, barely decorated. Barely loved. 

         “I’ve never seen your residence. Though, now I do know why. Your parents really are after making you a queen. The way their eyes changed at the very mention of you and Thor. A pity they cannot simply see you as I do.” 

         My heart could have sang and I had to glance elsewhere at his idle remark. Always striking me down with syllables like honey.

         “I was very careful to keep everyone away,” I added, casual. Loki eyed the mirror; the actual glass part was gone from the frame as I’d thrown the pieces out days ago. He looked back at me with an expression I tried to read. “What are you thinking?” I asked instead, voice still hushed.

         “I am trying to imagine you in such a state of emotion and rage that you wound yourself in the process.” 

         Our eyes stayed locked onto each other. Loki, I wish I could tell you the truth about me. 

         “I don’t wish for you to see it,” I spoke, turning to stack one box onto another. When I faced Loki again, he was standing closer to me.

         “Why did you come to me straight after then?” He wondered. Voice so smooth. Tender. Edging even closer.

         “I thought…” I shifted back and he moved forward until I was basically sitting braced onto one of my wooden boxes. “Because I… You…”

         “Why?” Loki asked, baritone lower and gentler while he searched my face. Broad hands settled on my knees, slipping higher. I realized he was practically standing between my legs.

         “We are close…surely we’re allowed to come to each other when…we really need it. That’s what, um… When two people are close, they…they do that, yes?” All brain functions turned to mush. His scent. His touch. It ruined me to my pit. Built me up all the same.

        “We are close now.” I could feel Loki’s cool breath against my face and shifted as my legs brushed his hips. I thought of him with the lovers he’d taken to his bed and how I couldn’t function before I glanced away, eye contact breaking. Shattering with my mirror.

         “I… We should get this done.” 

         At the core, I still wondered what my name sounded like when it fell from his lips. Loki glanced up and to my door, narrowing his gaze so his hands left my knees and I gained the ability to move again. Scrambled away from him because I felt drunk.

         “Your parents are talking about us right now. You were right, they do not fancy me.”

         “We won’t have to come here again,” I stated and he nodded once. “Frigga said that I didn’t need to bring furniture so I put all of my things in the boxes and I’m going to leave everything else. They should fit onto the carriage, no problem.” 

         Watching Loki lift his hand, I got excited. Magic bloomed. He flicked his wrist, fingers splayed out as his hand glowed green and every wooden box lifted at once, floating in midair.

         “Come.” Loki opened my door as the boxes filed out and I took one last look around. This place. This prison. “There is nothing here for you anymore.” He reached out for my hand and I met his gaze before my fingers touched his. 

         I smiled.

         “Let’s go.” We walked into the main room together.

         “I’m leaving.” 

         The show began. Both my parents hugged me affectionately, whispering to have a wonderful time with Thor and update them frequently on life in the palace through letters. Loki glanced out to see the boxes stacking themselves into the carriage and I noticed my dad rubbing a sore spot in his head. Idle, Loki took my hand again and squeezed it in front of my parents.

         “A crate knocked me in the head without warning, quite the handle you have on your magic, your highness,” Father spoke, sitting down and my mother put a large pint of mead in front of him. I raised an eyebrow when I felt Loki’s hand twitch. That was not clever.

         “Oh.” Loki didn’t appear sorry. “Yes, I dare say it does me quite well. Would you like to see?” 

         Not waiting for an answer, he flicked his wrist again and my father about screamed when he lifted his cup only for little snakes to slither out from it. My mother jumped back and knocked a stack of plates over when the cup fell with a clatter. Chuckling aloud, Loki flicked his wrist and the snakes dissipated into smoke. I was biting the inside of my cheek again to suppress any emotion that dared come out. 

         My father looked to me and he was utterly powerless for the first time. Helpless.

         It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

         My fingers laced into Loki’s and I stared back at him, lips lifting subtly. Just watch me now, father. By force, my parents had to laugh with the prince as if it were a joke. This was all just a long, terrible joke. Crashing to the punchline.

         “Just a bit of fun, right, my friends ?” Loki's lips spread.

         “You…You got me,” my father’s forced chuckle sounded really pathetic and my mother’s smile kept faltering. 

         I eyed the smashed plates before I turned back to peer at Loki, ignoring the look I got from her. As she appeared to want me to bend over and assist when she picked them up. I didn’t think Loki was going to let go of my hand either way. I saw a picture of my old life and imagined it fracturing. Pieces that would soon mean nothing.

         “I imagine I should get your daughter back to the palace grounds as my brother will whine incessantly over her absence,” Loki grinned when my parents both appeared to take interest in the statement. ”He’s just so taken with her. Always wondering how she is. If she's thinking of him. So fond. He'll be so thrilled to have her closer after this day.”

         Loki was staring at me. Quite directly.

         "Yes, you had better get going. I'll write you." Mother began.

         “Goodbye, Mother. Father.” Was all I allowed them. More than they deserved.

         “If I may? Prince Loki…” My mother bowed her head. “If it isn't too bold. Dare I say that there could be a royal wedding in the works?” Loki brought my hand up and gave it a pat as he held it within both of his own.

         “Between you and I,” he grinned and it was probably the most charming smile I’ve ever seen. The smile I fell for every day. “A future royal marriage could already be quite certain.”

** ** **

         “Did you see that fear at the end there?” I voiced triumphantly against the wind. Our horses trotted over the grass. Once we’d put the boxes in my new room, Loki and I did go riding but just the two of us for the evening. “The way you teased them. Loki, if you took up torturing prisoners, I might even be afraid of you.” 

         Jubilant beyond any barrier, I snickered while he shrugged, slowing his horse down.

         “I have decided after further deliberation that I do not approve of your parents.”

         “I can already see my mother sending letters, asking me if Thor proposed.”

         “My brother and you will fall madly in love one day. You will be Queen of Asgard and your parents will hold festivities into oblivion.”

         “Yes, we should probably let Thor know that we’re getting married at some point,” I shrugged and he chuckled. “Maybe I could trick him into it.”

         “If there is a grand feast in front of him, my brother would not even know the difference between a battle and a marriage. I’ve seen him almost eat his own plate in the confusion.”

         “Thor is almost…he’s like an older brother to me, just like Volstagg and Hogun.” I shook my head and shrugged, remembering that moment in the library. A sweet thing I'd keep for myself. “How about you shape-shift into me and kiss him and deliver all of my eloquent vows?” My horse shook its head and nudged at Loki’s while we trotted side by side. I took in the smell of grass and fresh air and smiled wider under the sun. Peaking to wash the lingering cold far away. 

         “I most certainly do not wish to kiss that oaf any more than you do. He actually is my brother. I’d do better kissing this horse.” We both laughed when Loki dismounted to hand the reins off to a stable boy so I did the same, giving my horse a pat on the nose before I followed after.

         “I’m going to unpack tonight, you’re welcome to sit around and cause trouble for me,” I clasped my hands behind my back.

         “I shall bring wine and we can celebrate your arrival to the palace. In fact,” Loki shrugged as if he was trying to act nonchalant, “let’s have our dinners brought up.”

         “So we can eat and drink and talk but not actually do any work unpacking yet?” I replied carefully, making a half attempt to hide how much I really wanted to do that. How happy it made me to spend time with him like this. Free and easy with the breeze around us. 

         “You make it sound so much more favorable.”

         “Why not then. Sounds like fun.” I sighed as we reached the palace and paused, people passing us idly. Loki stood over me and I found my voice again. “Meet me in my room for dinner?”

         “I will be there.” Loki didn’t shift to go and neither did I while we were both staring at each other again. I saw his hand move up out of the corner of my eye before it lowered again and I shuffled my feet. I felt like we’d been dancing the past few days. I glanced around to see no one looking at us before I stood up on my toes to kiss his cheek.

         “Thank you,” I whispered and Loki turned his head so our lips were just mere inches apart. A fragment of me screamed to just move in and capture them, touch his face, sigh against his mouth, anything. But, I lowered myself back from my toes and Loki’s gaze snapped from my lips to my eyes. “Both you and Frigga have done a lot for me the past few days and I’m very grateful…so thank you again.”

        “This is what close companions do, yes?” He offered and I snickered to myself, looking down.

        “Yes,” I nodded before I glanced up to run my eyes along his face again. Loki was truly beautiful to me. In all aspects. I wondered what he looked at me and saw but then I stepped back. I can’t dwell on these things. I’d live. My life was changing. I think for the better. “I’m going to clean up…see you in a little while?”

        “Yes,” Loki straightened again, clasping his hands behind his back. “Certainly.” We parted ways, going down different hallways and I paused to glance back at him as he walked in those familiar long strides. Smiling, I bit my lip and turned to go. Near skipping between the arches until my name was beckoned.

       Thor. Intent steps toward me.

       "There is something I need to speak with you about." His usual sunshine wasn't beaming as bright. Swallowing, I braced and turned toward him.

       "Yes?"

       "It's just..." Thor studied me. "I wondered if your healing room hours were morning or evening?"

       "Oh...that?" My eyes flicked aside. An easier breath cast. He seemed to not know about the plotting. "Ah, I think it could change. Evening mostly. Not daily for sure."

       "Good, good. Congratulations, finally joining us. Better to focus on your training." He swept me up into his arms. Prying eyes paused to see us and I winced. 

       "Thank you." My feet found the floor again. Thor's innocent eyes batted at me. A smile cocked. "The healing room won't pull from my training."

       "Yes, I'm sure. I'm not worried. I have many warriors juggling multiple studies. Mother might see fit to keep you longer on busier days when they're short-staffed." He shrugged. "We'll work it out as we go. Just take care. Enjoy the change of scenery."

       "I will, I'll be seeing you." We passed each other to go. I climbed the steps of the tower once I arrived and fiddled with my key to go in.

       Back in my cozy new room, I changed and cleaned up swiftly to wait for Loki. Slowing, I approached the little balcony and opened it to let the wind blow in. My view of Asgard. Breathtaking.

       I didn’t feel as small as usual this hour. I was the one thing in life I could control. That wouldn't be taken for granted. 

       Leaving the glass doors open, I went back inside and moved toward the vanity I’d been given before I ran my fingers along the frame. The mirror. Crystal clear. Eyes lingered at the woman in it about to start anew. She looked peaceful. 

       A knock sounded at my door and I heard Loki’s captivating voice call my name. Beckoning. I closed my eyes, a surge of wonder filling me before I exhaled and came back into myself. Happy today.

       The woman in the mirror smiled. Totally and complete. She could make a home of this.

Chapter Text

         It started with an unmistakable tear. Fabric shredding, the fibers pulling to scream out. Worlds could have ended.

         This can’t be happening now. 

         I closed my eyes and took a seat on the grand staircase. Please tell me it didn’t just happen. But as I’d opened my eyes again, I caught sight of an ugly rip at the bottom of my dress. Opulent fabric colored a rich, dreamy orange. Almost burnt. Almost a sunset. Iridescent gossamer sparkling and silken layers in the lights. Gleaming bronze metal structured my waist and bodice. Damn expensive gown. Torn apart with one slip. Not to mention the broken heel on my right foot. Clumsy warrior.

         My luck today. Of all nights. 

         “No,” I groaned silently, dropping my head on my knees. “Not tonight.” 

         I was already late. My first big palace banquet and festival and this is what happens. My luck is just perfect. I cursed myself to oblivion. 

         The one exceptionally nice dress and pair of shoes I have and I’ve managed to ruin them both by stumbling on the stairs in a hurry before the festival had even started. Music vibrated distantly. Full of merriment in the making.

         “Damn it.” I’d hissed. Chiding.

         The banquet was going on and the festival would be starting soon after and here I was sitting alone on the palace steps. Picking up the broken heel, I looked it over with no way of fixing it or my dress and frowned deeper. I try looking beautiful for one night and this is what I get. Figures. Tucking my hair behind my ear, I considered just going back into my room and staying there. Hiding forever.

         "My life is garbage." I'd moaned, falling back on the step behind me. Blinded by the lit lamps that lined the archways.

         Standing, I awkwardly braced myself against a pillar when I moved down. Free hand gripping a bundle of skirts up. Careful, I wobbled with a broken shoe. I was so late now. Agitated. A huff left and I shuffled forward when swift footsteps sounded down the way. 

         To save myself extra embarrassment, I rounded the pillar and steadied my breathing when I heard the steps get closer. Teeth dug into my lip. I clutched my heel and dress tighter to me, daring to peek at who it was. 

         Loki. 

         He clasped his hands behind his back, pace slowing while he moved past me. The prince looked regal in the fine outfit of his usual black and green colors with more shiny gold adornments standing out along the pristine leather. A toned-down version of his ceremonial armor. No helmet over the shiny black locks.

         I pressed myself against the pillar to gaze at him longer as he moved. Captivated by beings more graceful than I.

         Pleased I’d seen him, I allowed myself to smile lighter for just a moment before I shook my thoughts away. He, nor anyone else, is going to see me like this. I’m going back to my room and staying there to think of an excuse. I'd burrow under the covers and hide forever. I lowered my gaze and moved closer to the shadows before the bottom of my broken shoe clicked against the floor. 

         The next breath hitched. I heard the footsteps pause and I froze on my hidden spot. Slowing, I listened to them start again and when they appeared to be out of range, I poked my head out once more. Glanced around the empty hall. Nothing. I held my dress tight and hobbled slightly while I moved to go a different way but I’d barely taken five awkward steps before a voice caused me to freeze again in the middle of the floor, my shoulders tensed. Caught dead.

         “You are very late.”

         Utterly exposed, I raised my eyebrows and turned my head to see Loki leaning against the archway he’d originally gone to, a smug expression on his face. Arms crossed.

        “Yes,” I puffed, straightening up and dropping my dress skirt when I’d hidden my broken heel behind my back. Cool and collected, I slid sideways. Tried to match his posture. “What are you doing here?”

        “They sent me to come fetch you.” Loki winked. "Well, I volunteered."

        “I was just-”

        “You see, you are never late, I considered your death for a moment.” He admired his nails briefly.

        “Still breathing. Begrudgingly.” Shrugging, I laughed with my nerves bundling. “I’m allowed to be late once in awhile. I had help from one of the court ladies to perfect my eyes and lips, ran a bit long. We got to talking.” Loki moved forward with his gaze intent on me. “I’m so glad you’re concerned but…I’m fine.”

         “Why then?”

         “Why what?”

         “Why,” he stepped up to me, towering, “are you so late? Not rushing to your first festival. You chattered all this week about it.”

         “I…also forgot something.” I offered stiffly and he beamed. "I'm having...second thoughts about my earrings."

         “You are a far better liar than that.” Loki smiled fuller.

         “Yes,” I pointed at him, glaring, “well, I can’t think of a better one!”

         It was then that I realized I had my broken heel in my hand and gasped, quickly hiding it away. Loki’s amusement peaked. I shifted my stance, glancing down before I looked back up at him.

         “I see now.” Loki circled me like a vulture, snatching the heel from my hand. Tsking and tutting. Perfectly composed. “Clumsy tonight? What rotten luck.”

         “Give that back,” I stepped forward only to stumble into him, the metal on our clothing gave a soft clank when I reached with no avail and he held it up. “Loki!”

          “You’ve ruined your shoe and the back of your skirts,” he was both calm and entertained. “How ever did you manage that?”

          “I have a special skill set,” I glared, grabbing the heel back, my face heating with more embarrassment. Hardened, I pushed past him and stalked off, still hobbling. He chuckled as I stumbled. I was too determined. “Don’t…laugh at me…” I whispered, the melancholy in my mood coming to the surface and Loki paused.

           “You’ve no need to be upset. Simply-”

           “No, you see, I think I do,” I spun back to him, holding my balance. “Tonight was supposed to be this wonderful night where I could be with you all in the palace and allow myself some damn ease for the first time in so long. I could put on a pretty dress and…and feel relaxed…and, and clean and just…just beautiful for once. And you may not get this, my prince, but I could enjoy my first palace banquet and festival since I’ve moved here and feel at home somewhere…and for a night, forget everything awful.”

           I’d poked him in the chest, earning a raised eyebrow.

           “But, seeing as I cannot manage it, I just feel foolish. So typical. And if you even think to repeat any of this to the other warriors, I will strangle you, alright? Enjoy your party.” Turning, I shuffled off with hard steps but his words made me pause.

           “Why not just change and come back down?” He spoke and I didn’t turn, clutching the heel to my chest as I exhaled and dropped my shoulders.

           “I saved for months to buy this dress. I…I don’t have another…” Too embarrassed to admit it, I looked down at my shoes and shifted.

           “Well, that being the case, we shall do this my way until you do,” Loki took my elbow, leading me to the stairs. “Sit.”

           “I really-”

           “Sit,” Loki ordered and nudged me to do so. Relenting, I dropped my hands on my lap before he took my ankle, causing me to jolt. “Hold still,” his cool hand slid over my skin and I swallowed the lump in my throat when my dress slipped up my thigh. This is not happening. Loki paused, shifting my leg when he spotted a small, faded scar on the side of my calf. “Where did you get that?”

          “Oh, happened when I was really young, I think I fell out of a tree. Just let it heal on its own.” I laughed it off. Years ago. White-hot fire poker. See, I was a better liar. “Can I have my leg back? I should go upstairs.”

          “No, you are going to dinner. And then you're going to have your magical night.”

          “Am I?”

          “Yes. I could have solved this ages ago if you would have simply come to me.” His hands glowed, whirling around my heel to fuse it back so I spoke.

          “Right, I would have limped into the banquet and asked you in front of everyone to fix my broken shoe and ripped dress. As if you were a fairy to grant a wish,” I responded, sarcastic. Loki hummed, eyes lifting. His hand left my ankle, slipping up my calf to position my leg aside. Fingers took my skirts while he shifted closer to me, leaning in.

         “I am far superior to those annoying creatures,” he glanced up at me smugly and my eyes flickered over his. I let out my breath when he looked down to mend the tear. “Do not feel so bad. There was that time Thor ripped his pants open on the training grounds.”

         “I heard you did that to him,” I crossed my arms, smile cracking.

         “Oh. You’re grinning now,” Loki shrugged, amused before I pushed his shoulder.

         “Stop making me smile, I’m still angry about this and you’re making it difficult.”

         “I’m helping. Either way, we all saw a brand new side to him that day. I wished I’d looked away fast enough. Not my best idea, I shall admit. He deserved it with all the damn boasting, my nerves were shot.”

         “You never learn.”

         “Nor you.” Loki added idly, looking up at me again with an expression I couldn’t read. Before I could speak, he dropped my skirts down. Pale hand smoothing them into place. “It is finished. Have some care not to do it again.”

         “I would have been able to fix it myself if someone had agreed to begin teaching me magic.”

         “This again?”

         “I was just hinting at it.” I leaned over my knees to beam.

         “Hinting," he quirked his lip up, "focus on your training. Odin and his generals will not allow me to pull an up and coming warrior away from her swordplay just yet. Thor bid your name, he gets to keep you just a little longer."

         "It should be my choice. I want combat with blades and arrows and magic, too. I want to search the schools of sorcery for my specialty. I know it's there. I just do. Like you have your illusion magic." I paused. "Where do you think my interest will pull?"

         "Hm," Loki shifted to sit by me, palm opening to allow a green light flickering up. Deft and graceful. Dancing. "Possibly elemental, but too easy. Alteration, perhaps. I do think you'll be interested in runes and enchantments. Healing will be a good outlet until it is decided what's to be done with you. Build up that capacity you repressed. Allow it out so it doesn't burst."

         My fingers extended, plucking the light to beckon it into my hand. A sigh hitched. I saw glimmering threads winding around Loki's digits. Pulsing. Magic all over his body that called to me now. 

         "Why not ask it of my mother? Why me?" Loki's palm covered mine, lips sounded out my name. Caught me. The green extinguished between our fingers. "I've helped mother instruct on occasion. She's the limitless database you'll want to seek." Our hands clasped together. I searched him.

         "Magic has no limits and that's terrifying. When we're together though, I'm not afraid for a second. It's a feeling I've always had that I've always trusted since that moment in the library. Every time I've touched magic after, I feel it. Getting stronger." I looked at him. Absolute faith in my eyes. "I know you're good with instruction. I like the way you explain things."

         Loki seemed to appreciate the answer. Eyes panning over mine.

         "Healing comes first. They say you're doing well there this year.” He slipped his hand away. Fingers twitched at the loss on both sides. "You're starting to build this new relationship. Safely."

         “I do enjoy helping the healers. Moira's taught me so much in our time.” I dropped the subject for now, peering down.

         “Keep that focus steady.”

         “You didn’t need to do this, by the way,” I kept my gaze on my dress, rubbing my arms through the sleeves.

         “Yes, well, I will require you for some company tonight so I suppose I had to do it. If you are not there, I'll have to mingle with council members and visiting nobles. We can’t have that.” Loki stood up and offered me his hand. Pausing, I looked up at him again and took it. That same pull of magic seemed to spark. Steady, he tugged me to my feet. "It is a lovely gown."

         “It's different for sure. They said the color complimented my complexion and hair. Thank you," I swayed there. "Sorry, I ranted at you. Just put it out of your mind.”

         “Put the awful things from your mind.” Loki was already turning, nodding for me to follow. Which I did after a beat quietly. Smoothing my hands together, I watched the torches flicker as I passed them until we arrived at the double doors, two guards on either side of them. Instead, I stepped back and Loki gave me a look of question. “Come.”

         “You want to walk in with me?” Loki was the crowned prince of Asgard. Since he wasn’t seeing anyone, it was normal for him to walk in alone or with another royal for such big occasions.

         “I am standing here waiting, yes?” He responded and I tilted my head in slight surprise but moved next to him. At his right. An arm was offered so I took it. Chasing all my daydreams for the magical night I knew I deserved. Loki motioned for the guards to open the doors, escorting me in. Asgardians peered at us. “I expect you to enjoy yourself,” he spoke quieter before we parted to our seats. I sat down between Fandral and Hogun and realized I’d made it in time for dessert as trays were put on the table. Smiling, I sat up and spoke.

         “Forgive me for being late.”

** ** **

         “Try this, oh, this too,” Volstagg pushed small pastries at me from a food stall outside. Music and laughter echoed about the grounds as the sky changed colors above. Fireworks boomed and sparked there in the budding starlight. Illuminating flying banners and jewel-toned Asgardians dressed for the occasion. 

         “Volstagg, I’m so full,” I took one anyway, giggling to myself.

         “You missed dinner, I am helping.”

         “I can’t fill up on sweets,” I watched him laugh heartily at me.

         “Why, of course you can. Take it as a challenge,” he stated in a matter-a-fact tone. “Are you going on the hunt next week?”

         “Of course, I wouldn't miss it. Fandral dragged me into the group,” I chuckled when Sif appeared behind him, looking radiant in a liquid silver dress.

         “The strength contest is starting,” she smiled as I did before I grabbed Volstagg’s arm.

         “Come on, we have to go watch Thor win,” I bounced there. “When he signed up, they should have just canceled it.” Bright colored flags and streamers covered the festival while wind swept past them. The entire province animated in pure jubilation. I pulled Volstagg along as Sif tugged at my hand to the arena when crowds moved around us. We met up with Fandral and Hogun to sit together. 

         Entertainers danced with fire. Awed the crowds and erupted applause. Drums rolled endlessly. Celebrations into oblivion to enjoy Asgard’s rich splendor. Contests began with different performers in between for an interlude. The festival went on with Thor easily winning the strength competition when he tossed his metal weight over the palace itself. 

         Court ladies draped strings of flowers all over him after he got the gold medal. Across from our seats, I spotted Odin and Frigga with Loki sitting to his mother’s side. We made eye contact and I waved, earning a wink in return. Another contest started so I got up to explore, passing stalls and performers. Giddy as a child who never got to indulge in these lights before.

         “Flowers for the lady?” A man on stilts entertaining the children moved to settle a crown of flowers on my head.

         "Thank you, sir." I smiled when he moved to another.

         “I trust you are having a pleasant time.” A familiar voice made me turn to see Loki standing there. Nonchalantly as if he hadn't been trailing after. I straightened up, touching my hair to settle a curl aside because his eye swept all over me. 

         “Much more than pleasant,” I spoke, picking up a honey treat on a stick from a sweets cart, “do you like my crown?”

         “It suits you,” Loki nodded his head after a moment so I walked at his side.

         “I’m sure he could make you one too.” I bit into the treat and exhaled. “This is delicious, try it.”

         “I have had it before,” he chuckled, eyes on the finger I'd brought to my lips to lick.

         “You like honey, have some anyway,” I got him to take a bite, teeth edging into the treat while he peered at my eyes. “There,” I tossed the stick out and we passed the crowds of loud people. On instinct, I wrapped my arm into his. Quite comfortable. “I should thank you really.”

         “Hm?”

         “Well, you kind of convinced me to stay and I got a pretty flower crown out of it.”

         “Is that really the highlight of your night?” Loki beamed at me.

         “Maybe,” I shrugged without a care in the world, “care to try beating that?” Tilting my head, I watched a few fireworks cross the starry sky and exhaled, contented. I felt his eyes on my face. Vivid light sparked and rained down.

         "I have something in mind." Loki's utter seemed distant when I was distracted.

         “It's all so beautiful. I’ve never been to a festival long enough to see the night activities up close. Just the set up in the morning. Crowds usually frighten me anyways,” a gentle smile crossed. “But, it’s worth it… And my dress and shoes survived, you do very good work,” I joked, glancing toward him when he stepped closer.

         “I appreciate the thought,” Loki brightened. My gaze trailed over his face, every sharp angle and contour. “You should also know that you look-”

         “Found you!” Thor interjected with his usual zeal, buff arms going around both our shoulders. I’d stepped back from Loki, who already plastered that signature annoyed brother look at being cut off. “They are releasing the lanterns soon. The others are waiting for us.”

         “Really?” I gleamed there, bouncing already as Thor led us off. He snatched my hand so I grasped Loki’s to tug, laughing between them. We wove through crowds at Thor’s beckoning. Quite the trio. “Wait, where are we going?”

         “She has not been to the spot, brother,” Loki added, which got Thor grinning. All the same intensity as the sun.

         “You see, Loki and I, along with the others always go to the same spot at the finale of every festival. We’ve the best view high up in the palace, come now. You cannot share the secret.” 

         “My lips are sealed.” Snickering, I allowed Thor to drag me off with Loki close behind.

         We went high into the palace towers to a place I’d not seen before overlooking the province. Cold air hit me when we arrived at the balcony with a line of gold columns. 

         “Wow.” I gasped to myself, letting Thor and Loki go to see. The view of the darkened cosmos was already breathtaking in itself while the lights below got dim to prepare.

         “Finally,” Fandral piped up from his seat on the floor, leaning back against a pillar. Sif, Volstagg, and Hogun to his right. “Come sit down already they’re going to start.” He waved me over as Thor moved to sit between Volstagg and Sif.

         “Brought food up if anyone’s hungry,” Volstagg commented idly, taking a large swig of mead. Thor joined him to feast, cups clicking. Loki moved toward Thor to sit but Fandral quickly scooted over and gestured for him to sit between us.

         “I am ensuring now that you and your brother do not quarrel like our previous time here, my friend,” he joked lighter. Loki narrowed his gaze but moved to sit anyways. Fandral shot me a cheeky grin with a wiggling eyebrow and that sneaky little…

         “It was your fault we quarreled, you practically tried to bring a harem up here of adoring men and women of the court,” Loki retorted. "No outsiders, we agreed to this group only."

         “They wished to enjoy the view,” Fandral defended.

         “Which one?” Loki spoke flatter, leaning against the pillar I was on.

         “I still think that there were not that many,” Thor insisted. "It was a party."

         “Ah yes. Thirty. Not that many indeed. I’ll be damned if I’m the one to clean up after, father did not even wish us to be up here at the time,” Loki responded, “you almost got us caught stroking your own ego.”

         “I have to agree with Loki,” Hogun chimed in.

         “Forgive me, Thor, he’s correct,” Volstagg spoke after and Loki crossed his arms.

         “You see.”

         “They’re only agreeing because they are already wed and responsible,” Fandral muttered. "Some of us still enjoy fun."

         “I think you are all fools, end of discussion,” Sif quieted the bickering and I snorted silently, gazing ahead of me. Back to the flutter of gleaming stars before us. Wide and without limit. I curled my legs and settled my hands in my lap, idly playing with the fabric of my dress.

         “Is this the new highlight of my night?” I murmured to Loki next to me as the others began their own conversation.

         “Many have been known to have emotional reactions at the sight, especially for the first time,” he replied. “The show of lanterns up close still takes one’s breath away.”

         “Well, I won’t,” I countered stubbornly and he looked entertained.

         “You think so?”

         “I know so,” I crossed my arms, scooting closer. “Have you ever had an emotional reaction to them?”

         “Certainly not.”

         “I bet you will one day,” I grinned. “There’s always time to weep for falling stars.”

         “I did not the first hundred times, I likely will not in the next,” Loki joked so I shrugged.

         “You never know,” I teased. He moved to pluck something from my hair. The quick motion made me jump and I realized it was a flower petal.

         “You’re not allowed to wilt until after the festival.” He remarked there. I laughed gently as he allowed the soft petal to be carried away by the air.

         “I’ll try,” I paused, pressing my lips before a breath passed them. Loki shifted so our shoulders were touching and I swallowed the lump in my throat. Those green eyes traced lines down my face. My mouth opened to speak but soft music started. Every Asgardian below went silent. That seemed to echo throughout the world. A stillness.

         “It’s beginning,” Volstagg quieted our friends and I snapped my gaze away from Loki, planting my hand on the ground to shift so we weren’t touching anymore. 

         My heart thumped and I felt Loki’s gaze linger on me before he turned his head. Sparing him one last glance, my eyes slid along his profile and the familiar feeling in my stomach twisted. Wind cast again. Beautiful prince. 

         I felt myself relax and tipped my head to his shoulder in wait. The gentle cover of pure darkness shrouded us both. Kept us safe. Loki remained static, head turning to peer at me there. I focused on the light music. Delicate and building slowly as it went on, sounding more like a sigh against the air around us.

         When the lanterns began to rise, I couldn’t help my immediate soft gasp. Leaning forward, I watched the gold and silver orbs float gracefully toward the sky as if they were all dancing slowly. More and more followed from different points but they all seemed to come together in perfect unison while they illuminated the atmosphere. Fresh stars I could have reached out to touch. Slow dancing in an endless ocean of black. 

         Warmth from the light splashed against my face and I clasped my hands together against my chest. Lips parting in awe when the music rose and the wind caused them to swirl toward the sky. The glow of each one gave off something different. Beauty. Courage. Freedom. Strength. Love. Bliss. 

         I could see it. Crystal clear. I could feel it all with every beaming flicker of light that touched me. The illuminations transcended into an imagined force that somehow tangled its way around my heart. It all came together and I could not tell where the lanterns ended and the stars began. Compelled to make a thousand wishes, I closed my eyes and then opened them. Yet somehow the sight still managed to take my breath away. 

         Above all I could see hope, I felt it and in that moment I held it closer to my heart than ever before, willing it to stay forever. Overcome, I felt my heart beating in louder thuds, lulling to a hymn. Unfurling same as rose petals to fall.

         The first tear fell. Then the second. I stayed perfectly silent, bathed in the glow of the lanterns. The third, however, was collected by the back of Loki’s finger and I didn’t dare turn to see that damn knowing smirk on his face. 

         Instead, I exhaled, almost amused and wiped my other cheek with the back of my hand. Sniffling, I didn’t know how long it had been. But contented, I sat back a little and continued to watch them.

         “It’s beautiful,” I whispered, “really beautiful.” 

         Loki turned his head to gaze at me as I felt the warmth of each globe touch my skin. Relaxing against the surface behind me, my hair fell over my shoulders; I straightened out my legs and crossed them at my ankle. Floating with the swirl of Valhalla’s lights. Lovers below must have shared silent kisses. Glowing in sync.

         “Yes,” came his quiet reply after a beat. “It is beautiful.” 

         That unyielding stare was on me. Quite directly. Gorgeous, insufferable green eyes tempting me to look over, which I didn’t. Not yet. But, I felt Loki shift over so his shoulder pressed to mine when I placed my palm flat against the cool floor. My heart sped within my rib cage. Fingers splayed out. Come and get me. His broad hand covered mine in response. I didn’t move. Lost in the glow myself. Deft fingers traced over my knuckles and my chest lifted with a swell of heat.

        Flickering my gaze over the lanterns, my lips parted and the breath came out shaken. With still watery eyes, I turned to see the prince next to me slowly and watched the lights play off his pale face. Loki was sitting with his legs bent, one propped up with his arm on his knee. I saw the fingers of his free hand close tightly then relax.

         He was breathing evenly while bejeweled eyes held my stare finally. For another seemingly unending beat, we just looked at each other. The music and lanterns went on and I’d forgotten that our friends were sitting not far behind Loki, enjoying the sight of the sky. As he watched the glow of the lanterns pass across my skin, something dawned in his expression. 

         Whatever it was, it made me lower my eyes to the gold adornments on his chest. I could feel Loki searching me, as if he was trying to figure something out but his face had given nothing away. That moment in the library reeled back. The caress of magic. So powerful, it ached us to the core.

         With the lanterns reminding me of the truth I’d locked away, I felt at his gaze’s mercy. Always longing for the journey his bright eyes would make when they sought me out. So I tossed caution out for just a moment and looked straight into them, praying that the truth would shine through for just a moment; as a moment was all that I needed. All we needed. All it took. One single heartbeat. 

         Loki’s face drew so close to mine, I could smell his cologne and feel his cool breaths brush across my skin. His eyes changed and I knew he’d seen it. That flicker of truth and vulnerability. The first ever moment I’d offered myself to another being fully. Slowly, I smiled at him and his eyebrows twitched upward with some form of realization. He exhaled sharper. 

         Out of the corner of my eye, I saw his hand shift toward me before it stopped, abrupt. Loki’s eyes widened when his brow furrowed and it looked like every bit of awareness flooded his frame. It became clear in that heartbeat.

         When I was with Loki, I was unafraid.

         And when he was with me, he was terrified.

         His head moved like he was going to shake it and I saw this perfect split second of a rare emotion cross his sculpted features. We saw each other completely unguarded. Worlds aligned delicately.

         But, it all fluttered up with the lights. By the time I’d processed this, Loki had forced his gaze away from me, leaving me to watch him as I usually did. Looking down, his hand pressed to mine before it moved and our contact broke. 

         Still the ghost of a smile crossed my face again. Loki would forever be my friend and I would stay his and I could accept that. Gentling his fears that fell like spring rain. For now, as the lanterns dwindled to smaller numbers, I could live in this moment. Where the world shifted over. Where we stayed by each other's side despite other poor souls trying. 

         So, when I tilted my head back to his shoulder, I wasn’t surprised that his chin tipped to rest upon my crown. Unbothered by the twisting flowers tickling his neck. Sneakily, I huddled closer. Lips upturning.

         "Cold." I remarked in a mumble. Loki's arm shifted behind me, bringing me closer into his body. His warmth. 

         "Didn't bring a cloak tonight."

         "I spent good coin on this dress, everyone is going to see how good I look in it from all angles." My quip had him laughing quietly to himself. Thrilled.

         "Ah, I enjoy that." Loki mused, smelling divine. Drawing circles into my sleeve. "This audacious you with the growing ego to match. Keep it forever, sweetheart."

        "Maybe it was always around and I just liked to hide it until the opportune moment." My cheek pressed his collar, nuzzling. A purr. "Maybe I'm being corrupted, Prince Loki."

        "Hm, say that again." His low baritone coaxed. Sultry.

        "Corrupted or the part where I called you a prince?" I teased, burrowed against him to escape the wind. Loki gave this slight shiver for the theatrics.

         “Another success, gents,” Fandral broke the moment for all of us, “and ladies.”

         “They say the mortals can often see the lanterns,” Hogun spoke, “I hear they refer to them as meteor showers.”

         “Do you think they sit and marvel at them as we do?” Volstagg added and Thor shrugged nonchalantly next to him.

         “I trust Midgard has changed much over the years,” Sif took a drink of ale.

         “Sitting around with no real order upon them, I imagine they have nothing better to do but count their stars,” Loki responded and I nudged his side. “Well, it is a valid point. Oh, the games they must play,” he shot me a look and I shook my head, entertained.

         “You’ve not met a mortal,” I pointed out, coming out of Loki's side as the others roused some. “You don’t know how they occupy their time. I hear they're like us. Only smaller. Much smaller.”

         “You have not met a frost giant, yet they will always be considered our enemies,” Loki countered.

         “Well, the Midgardians didn’t attack other realms in the past and, hey, perhaps there are a few frost giants who are kind, or something like it. We’re all just trying to thrive upon the branches of Yggdrasil,” I replied and they all laughed at me for thinking such a thing. Loki earned a light punch to the arm. “If I meet one, I’ll let you know.”

         “The damn war left a bad impression from Odin’s time,” Fandral finished his goblet. "Peace will never be an option."

         "War will tire us down the line. There's so much more we could do with our time. For all the realms." I shifted to lean over the side and watch the festivities below. Eyes shifted to Thor and Loki. Panning. "What's it like, being prayed to by the mortals beings around us? Is it a voice in your head?"

         "It's...a pull. A sensation. Like feeling the sun on your face." Thor stared at me there, displaying his depth. "Sometimes it burns."

         "My poetic brother. I have to agree." Loki shifted when I returned to his side. Wonder in my eyes. "We cannot touch them back but we can listen well."

         "I wonder what Frost Giants pray for in their eternal winter." My legs curled up again.

         “When I am King, the Jotuns will not even toy with the notion of attacking us.” Thor swore smugly and Loki rolled his eyes, sitting back.

         “Better to make peace, the realms need each other.” I sighed. “The great tree needs balance.” Silly me and my silly hopes.

         “The tree requires order.” Thor puffed himself up. "Our grandfather wrote endlessly about that after his battle with the Dark Elves."

         Yes. Bor murdered them all during a great war. He was the only one able to write the story after. A rebellion that damned every Dark Elf. Wounded other races of elf because of lingering prejudices. Left their realm in quite stillness. Alfheim lullabies we shared through our growing association became cautionary tales. Only be a certain kind of elf. Not a creature hiding under a child's bed.

         War was war. The realms need protection. There will always be malicious souls disturbing that. But, to kill them all continued the cycle. Silly me. Silly hopes. Wishes.

         “My brother making friends with the Jotuns. Whip them up a chocolate cake with decorative flowers, Thor. Heimdall’s observatory would sooner break from the bifrost itself and float away,” Loki added, catching me from my daze. He stood up to straighten out his clothing. “I’ve some work to do with a new discovery so I’m departing for the night.”

         “You’ve really not devoured every spell tome yet, brother?” Thor joked. "Stole another unsavory text, did you?"

         “Unsavory is too strong a word. Knowledge is knowledge.” Loki winked, turning. Fandral took my wrist as he stood up after and brought me with him.

         “I’m off as well, my friends. I imagine there are many beautiful people in need of a shoulder while they stare on at the last of the lanterns. Come,” he looked to me, “I wish to know about your festival experience.”

         “Alright…” I tilted my head before I smiled at the four sitting behind him. “I’ll see you all at breakfast tomorrow. Enjoy your night.” We bid each other goodnight. Fandral and I followed after Loki on the long trek down the many staircases. “So, my sweetest of all ladies, have your expectations been met?”

         “More so,” I responded, looking from Loki’s back to him.

         “Next time, you must sign up for one of the contests,” he pushed at my shoulder. "Show off a little."

         “I’ll think about it,” I watched him pause and turn to look back. “What is it?”

         “Oh, I’m afraid that I left my cloak up there, damn, forgive me.” Fandral paused. “Loki, be a gent and walk her back down, cannot have her getting lost in your grand palace, correct?” I turned to see Loki pausing on the stairs, clasping his arms behind him.

         “We can wait for you,” I shrugged.

         “No, no need. I forgot to get the scroll for the coming hunt from Volstagg. He'll talk endlessly about it. We shall speak more tomorrow in detail,” Fandral stepped back up the staircase after he kissed my hand. “Till then.”

         “Good luck with your courting,” I crossed my arms.

         “The night is young,” Fandral bowed his head. “Loki.”

         “Fandral,” Loki nodded once as I moved down to the step he was on. I waved to Fandral once and caught his teeth flashing and did I just fall into his trap again…? Damn him.

         “Shall we?” Loki made my eyes snap back to him.

         “Lead the way,” I gestured and he walked, more leisurely now. It was quiet for a moment as we turned a corner and began another staircase. I broke the silence. “Have you and Thor ever gotten lost in here?”

         “Yes,” he replied, “nothing compared to the times we had gotten lost in the forests but damn close to it.” Loki mused, staring ahead. “Either way, we often got into much trouble for it.”

         “I ran away into the forest when I was little once, it got dark and my parents enlisted the help of our neighbors to find me and avoid bringing Heimdall into it. Fandral discovered me under a tree and convinced me to come back. Though, I also got into a lot of trouble.” My back twitched recalling it. I sobbed in Fandral's arms all the way back. Didn't tell him a thing. Just that I wanted to turn into a bird and fly far away.

         “Cannot imagine why you ran away,” he paused. “Fandral has known you the longest, hasn't he?”

         “Yes, comes from us living in the same tiny village,” I watched the tapestries billow in from each archway.

         “He's quite fond of you.” Loki paused and I faltered a little, glancing over to him so we walked slower.

         "That felt like a loaded statement, my prince." I laughed to make light of it.

         "Warriors speculate. Fandral loves to put his moves on everyone. You love each other clearly. That's all I mean." He tilted aside. Not at all jealous.

         “Loki, Fandral and I…we aren’t… I mean, I’ve never… I mean, yes there might have been one time when I was much younger, I thought of it, but…” I winced. Loki snapped to stare directly at me and I got more flustered.

         "It's fine if you do, I don't mean any offense by it." He puffed. "A relationship-"

         “No,” I shook my head faster. “We’re not on that wavelength or close to it. He’s my friend…like…like Thor and…and you…and…” Gods, I’m ruining everything. Quickly, the prince looked ahead of him, posture stiffening. “Fandral knows me well enough to not try his charms. Just because he's a flirty guy and I'm a shy bird, that doesn't...put us together. We’re all just friends. Aren’t we?”

         “Yes, of course,” Loki spoke and I peered out at the stars again as we passed them. Music echoed distantly.

         “Why ask about that now? Is it cause we’re getting older? Entertaining ideas of romance. Royal princes having to select their wives." I made a face.

         "Thor refuses to do so and I have my...studies." Loki's flicked to see me. "I'm very busy."

         "The court ladies love to chat about such things. Pulling for pretty details. Have you ever…thought about a fellow warrior differently?” I asked with little reluctance, crossing my arms as I straightened up when he spared me another glance. “Thought that they could be more than just a simple companion? I'm not sure where the line is. Friendship. Lover. They must run together to some extent.” I licked my lips, dress swaying. His clasped hands squeezed.

         “No,” came his response, “afraid I do not have the time for a relationship. Since I have no need to provide heirs, I must say I am not very worried.”

         “Loki, Prince of Asgard, sometimes heart-breaker. It’s not about heirs, it’s about heart,” I joked lighter and he smirked as we looked at each other, some of the tension leaving. "Asgardians don't always mate for life, but we try our best."

         “What about you? You’ve not seduced and married my brother for the throne yet,” Loki dropped his hands by his side and I snickered under my palm. Cheeks heating.

         “I’m definitely working on it and soon you’ll have to call me your queen,” sarcasm piled on, “when I rule at his side, I want lanterns released at least once a week.”

         “What if you tire of them?”

         “I don’t think I’m the type to get seriously tired of something I truly love, it wouldn’t matter,” I smiled. “Maybe that’s part of it. Nothing is commonplace in love and things that are...they're just...natural. Well-built and protected.”

         “Such a romantic.”

         “I am not a romantic, it’s common sense,” I pushed at his arm, “besides, have you ever seen me in a relationship?” Flashing my inexperience had him amused.

         “No, I cannot actually picture it.”

         “You can’t envision me with anyone?” I inquired, tilting my head.

         “No, I simply mean,” he paused and quickly added, “partially, but that is not to say you will never be with someone. I cannot picture how you would be is what I meant."

         "Fair." I shrugged, teasing. "You can be quite the lovely flirt when you try. Hearts swooning before you and Thor with all the clever turns of phrase. Showing off your skill set with magic and syllables and constant flexing."

         For dramatics, I swayed into him. Hand to my temple. Sighing. A flitting nymph.

         "Oh, my prince. Take me, I'm yours." 

         Loki about choked there seizing up. Holding me from falling. Giggling, I pulled from him and hurried down the steps so he'd catch up with me. Snatching my hand to pull me back into him. Loki seemed to be dreaming there. Thoughts tumbled out slower.

         "I should like to see you in love, it would do you well." He decided, lashes batting. Tugging me along, we walked again. "Would love change you or make you more of the same? You navigate the world in a peculiar way. Wildcard.”

         “Gee, thanks,” I rubbed the back of my neck. “I suppose I know what you mean, I…I can’t picture myself with another sometimes because well, I’m me. Strange.”

         “You’re you?”

         “I just,” I huffed, head shaking because the words evaded me.

         “Yes?”

         “Maybe at the end of the day I believe that the only person who can deal with me is me,” I’d blurted out and paused, causing him to do the same. We looked at each other before I moved first to continue walking with him following, our gazes still locked. "You say wildcard, others think manic. Odd."

         “They sound not worth your time. What happened to your common sense?”

         “Hm?”

         “Though, neither of us can…truly attest because-”

         “Because we’ve never been in love?” I offered and he nodded. 

         “Exactly, I’ve never…” Loki shook his head. Winced. “Anyhow, I still do not believe that dealing with another correlates to-”

         “Loving them?”

         “Yes. There are plenty who see you as you are and that’s a good thing. They support your growth too. You're trying to know yourself before delving into romance."

         "Exactly, I'm interested but...not where I want to be. I worry I'm stalling too much. But, I feel good about things. I do. I just need to feel better with me before I..." Carefully, I trailed off. "I fear I spent too much time not on me and for the first time, I'm focused. Willing."

         "We spoke of our…friendship. I do not feel the need to deal with you. It's a silly notion. I am here because you are my close companion as well." Loki rambled on and then the right words flooded tenderly. "It feels natural. Being with you.”

         “Except we don’t love each other romantically,” I stated gentler and Loki’s eyebrows quirked up a little before he swallowed. Eyes flashing at me. I wish I hadn't said that because it forced his response. 

         “No… No, we do not.” Swift, we both looked at the floor and I shuffled a little down the next staircase. Crossing a bridge into the west dorm towers. After a long silence, I exhaled and spoke.

         “You know, you’re-”

         “Yes?” Loki panned to me again and I floundered, putting my arms around myself before I smiled.

         “You’re a bit…perplexed,” I chuckled breathlessly, “did the lanterns finally affect you emotionally yet? It's a new side I'm seeing. Sort of, how you'd say, becoming? It’s alright, you can tell me since we’re close companions.” Loki masked his expression. Smiled with all the charm in the world.

         “Oh, you want to talk about being emotionally affected? I recall wiping your tears.” He stopped and I faced him, so close to him that my skirts brushed against his legs. Black lashes fluttered as if he felt it.

         “Avoiding my questions with more questions, typical,” I scoffed, amused. “One day I’ll get the truth from you.” Loki stepped forward with his usual amusement, lifting a hand to settle his fingers on my neck. Brown eyes darted to his face, I felt my body tense. Pulse wobbling under the digits.

         “Do not hold your breath waiting for that moment,” he murmured and my lips parted. 

         Loki stilled to let his smile fade, green eyes searching. Deeper and deeper. I felt the hand on my neck slowly trail into my hair, one finger curling around a lock. My chest rose. Loki was giving me that rare expression he’d given me during the lanterns, something new there that I just could not figure out.

         Though, with Loki, it was always so difficult. 

         Realizing that I was holding my breath, I expelled it when he leaned closer. Finger drawing a line from my hair down my shoulder through fabric. Pleasure crushed me utterly. Made a mess of my heart. Loki blinked, flickering his eyes down my face before he released me. Feet shuffled just so out. Barely. 

         “Why did you stop…?” I whispered, overcome and clouded, “walking!” Came my quick addition as I shook my head. “Walking, I meant, why did we stop walking?”

         “This,” Loki licked his lips, “is your room, is it not?”

         “Oh! Yes…” I turned to my door and glanced back at him. “The trip went by so fast, I didn’t realize we’d made it to the dorms. All those staircases. Makes one dizzy.”

         “Yes, it did.”

         “So, I…” I tried to catch my breath.

         “Yes?”

         “I had a wonderful time, with everyone, tonight. Being able to experience that...the festival, I mean, was wonderful. Better than I pictured from my little window in that lonely village.” Swiftly, I grinned at him. “Really…I did. Um, good luck with your spells. One day, you’ll teach me."

         Frigga aside, I wondered if Loki felt isolated with magic. If he enjoyed the quiet studies but maybe wished for something more. Days that seemed to melt together with tedious motions that would be made more bearable with another. If sharing it with someone he trusted might make him less terrified.

         “So certain about that,” he rolled his eyes and I nodded.

         “I am,” I smoothed out my dress and tucked some hair behind my ear before I felt the flower crown still on my head. “Here,” I plucked a golden flower off and tucked it into some fabric on his chest. “Aw. Little color brightens you right up.”

         “Silly girl,” Loki shook his head at me. “I do not believe flowers suit me.”

         “It was a gift, I’m sure you’ll just cherish it,” I snickered, earning a twitch of his lips. “Girls are allowed to give flowers to boys. There’s no rule.”

         “I am not very sentimental.”

         “Sure. But hey, this color brings out those pretty eyes of yours, so at least appreciate that much,” I touched his shoulders. Fingers splayed there. Still beaming, I slid back from him. Sighs meeting. Stars and moons filtering light upon us. “I’ll…see you in the morning. I have to get some things together for the hunt. My bow needs, ah, repairs.”

         Lingering, I found my key and fiddled with it purposefully.

         “Of course,” he nodded and stepped back as I unlocked my door, “until the morning.” Loki turned around and I swallowed the lump in my throat, half-hidden behind the door.

         “Loki?” I stopped him and froze up when his eyes found mine. Parting my painted lips, I paused and exhaled instead, the question dying on my tongue.

         Do you ever think of me when I’m not around you?

         His eyebrows quirked up, waiting for me to speak. Waiting always.

         “Goodnight.”

         “…Goodnight.”

Chapter Text

         “What were you playing at yesterday?” My greeting followed me unceremoniously plopping into a bench. The warrior's breakfast tables winding all directions. Sunlight poured between the wide archways. Birds chirped distantly to start the day as Asgardians hurried about to grasp from offered dishes. 

         Fandral's smile glittered there.

         “I haven’t a clue of what you mean,” he shrugged and picked up his fork to scoop food onto a plate without asking before it was in front of me. "How was your night?"

         “Peaceful." A beat of my staring. "You’re up to something.”

         “More paranoid than usual, I see. I could tell you about my night.” He pleaded for me to ask about it.

         “I already know what you did, Fandral, your neck is pretty marked up,” I cut up some browned potatoes and bit into my food. Still trying to figure him out. A smug expression on his face as he poured himself some fresh water. "Enjoyable?"

         "Those contortionists from the shows between competitions are...a lovely people." He winked, stealing a red apple from another platter.

         "Ah, say no more. The images in my brain are, uh, enough." I broke to snicker there. Chatter picked up around us.

         “Another!” Thor yelled down the table, smashing his mug. Warriors loved it. I groaned instead, it was too early.

         An attendant jumped and my cloth napkin swept out as they passed.

         "...Thank you, milady." The server took it and hurried to clean up after the grown prince.

         "I realize the palace workers are protected and paid a good wage but do we really need to create more work for them?" I muttered, moving my food around. Fandral's brow quirked at that.

         "So forward, where did you and Loki end up?"

         "We talked. He helped me to my room. The end." My lips lifted, eyes flicked. "Why, did he say something?"

         "He hasn't been down as far as I've seen." Fandral mused, thrilled because my face gave too much away. Blowing a curl aside, I ignored him to eat.

         “Two days until the hunt. I hope you're both prepared." Hogun came in and sat down across from us. "Warriors are already betting on the weights of their prizes.” 

         “Certainly and we’ll be capturing the grandest spoils of course,” Fandral hummed in response. “As long as Volstagg doesn’t run out of arrows like he did last time.”

         “I resent that comment,” Volstagg appeared behind Fandral and pushed him, a giggle elicited from my throat. "Was it you or I that got caught in the net we set up?"

         "Oh, I can answer because I was the one to cut him down while a little bird pecked at him." I winked, kicking Fandral's boot playfully.

         “It was all part of my plan to lure them in,” Fandral defended himself, “live-and very attractive-bait.”

         “I’m truly sorry that you’re stuck with these two bickering,” I muttered to Hogun, clicking my cup to his.

         “It does allow me to take down more enemies.” Came his tempered reply, helping himself to a sausage.

         “Was that an attempt at humor, Hogun? Do try again.” Fandral chided and I shook my head at the three men, glancing up to see Loki walking in with something behind his back. An odd spring in his step.

         “Good morning, brother, come join us.” Thor grinned and Loki smiled his most charming smile, leaning in.

         “Is it really?” Loki tilted his head and abruptly dropped something heavy in front of Thor that smashed his plates and crashed through the table. Everyone near scrambled backward to fall away.

         “Loki!” Thor shot up as food and drink splashed onto his lap. Warriors about him hurried aside to escape the mess. Neither the King nor the Queen had passed the halls yet and I moaned again. It’s definitely too early for this.

         “Last night, I discovered this embedded into my balcony from the strength contest and I was simply returning it to you.” Loki sneered, looking fatigued, and Thor picked up what we realized was the weight he’d tossed. Marked with his rune in red.

         "I was eating that." Thor mused, unbothered as he plucked pieces of plate off his tunic. He just laughed as warriors and attendants immediately began to try cleaning him. Instead, he waved them off and sat down in another seat to devour more food. The weight perched beside him with pride. These two never quit. 

         “Next time, I'll make you wear it around your neck,” Loki mused and passed him to sit elsewhere, not at all disturbed by the fact that he’d broken the table in the mess and Odin was going to be furious. Fingers beckoned and a peach lifted to come to his hands. 

         The minute the King waltzed in unknowingly, everyone but Thor and Loki got up from the table to leave in sync. Shifting, I picked up a fallen plate and handed it to a girl pushing up from the floor with a rag.

         "Thank you, my lady, we have it."

         Continuing on, I caught Loki’s glance as Fandral tugged me out and once we’d exited, Odin’s voice boomed. About shook the palace itself.

         “Thor! Loki! What have you both done!”

         “Glad I missed that,” I muttered, tossing my loose braid behind my shoulder. Curls tumbled from it. Sif appeared at Fandral’s side and he perked, chest puffing.

         “Seems they started earlier than usual today with the trouble.”

         “What fun,” I added sarcastically, “on that lovely note...I need to go to the healing room, I’ll be on the training grounds later.”

         "They allow you basic healing spells and the sorting of ingredients and files. You're wasted there."

         "I help with potions too," I met Sif's eyes. Always a warrior first. Words came to me. Familiar. "Knowledge is knowledge."

         "You'll never best me playing with books, my friend." She laughed a pretty sound, turning to follow the others off. Few warriors tried to understand when we branched out. My skills would come together. I'd prove myself to them and to all of Asgard.

         I had to.

         "Trying to think bigger, my Lady Sif." Feet swerved. Waving, I went down an opposite hallway and hurried off. 

         Giggles sounded from an open archway leading to the gardens. Tapestries and endless cushions all around. Blooming flowers in red and pink twisted around a fountain. Court ladies giggling and eating from plates of fruits and cheeses. Luxurious beyond any boundary. Sirens playfully splashing each other as they spoke with voices like little bells.

         Eyes shifted to see me passing. Tongues clicked.

         “There she is, woman of the hour. Come here, pretty. Come over and play with us.”

         They all beckoned for me with swaying arms. Seeming to like the way I blushed. One, Vada, the tallest with miles of black waves twisted over her shoulders came to me, dress loose off her shoulders. Taking my arms to pull me into the giggling. Into the wandering hands. Sharp face of a pretty swan. Soft still as she smiled there.

         “I was just headed to the healing room.” I piped up softer. Lost in a sea of caresses. Freckles illuminated her cheeks. 

         “Tell us everything about your night. Your hair and all, it held up?” She had a deeper voice like a hymn. The ladies flocked to me. Prodding and pushing in. Fingers and lips stained red from all the berries they’d savored.

         “Yes, it was perfect the whole night, thank you.” I let Vada fuss over my braid and pose little curls just so around my face. She tutted and swiping the other ladies off. Clearly the head woman in charge for many years.

         “Give her some air, you lot. This one is mine," Vada smoothed out my shirt and fiddled with the belt around my waist. Tugging me in. Water sprayed into the air behind her, misting us when we sat upon the marble edge. "They’re all talking about it.” 

         “What?”

         “Prince Loki leaving the warriors' dorms so very late.” Another squeaked in. Eyes trained on me. Hands preening and admiring.

         “The princes aren’t allowed to be in the dormitories after hours. It's always been the rule so they don't get...into mischief. It's always noticed when they stray.” 

         “Oh!” I shook my head in heated protest. “Loki was just seeing me back...nothing happened.”

         They fawned and mooned. Pouting with audible whines.

         “Shame. Silly little prince with a silver-tongue. Not putting it to good use,” Vada spoke for the girls around us. “The Elders keep prying. Trying to stop it.”

         "It?" I swallowed, eyes steady. I'd be eaten alive if I looked away. 

         “We assure them nothing is happening,” she sang to me, “so nothing can stop.”

         “Loki and I are close friends. Fellow warriors.” I got up. More whines and tutting. “I’ll be late. Behave now.”

         "No fun in that." A woman swam up from the fountain, not bothered that her dress was sheer. "You should stay and play with us. We have many games for pretty warriors."

         "Another time, dear. And...just friends." I sounded out again. Unreasonably warm.

         “Oh, we know, sweetling. Such good friends you are. We admire with bated breath.” Vada came up with me, arm looped into mine. “Prince Loki’s never publicly courted a lady. So, we all like to make guesses. What it would be like for him. Falling in love would do him well. Do let us know if you’ve any insight. Being such a close friend of his highness. The Elders cannot stop the second-born prince from following his heart, wherever it may fall.” She called after me as I went.

         The syllables followed me off. Dancing in the air.

         “I’ll keep an eye out,” I snickered with an idle wave, “goodbye, ladies.”

         A chorus of flirty farewells followed me. 

         The giggling resumed.

** ** **

         “I cannot believe the king still allowed the hunt after what happened. The table and floor were damaged so. He's cancelled it for less with you two.” Volstagg commented idly as our horses trotted down the forest’s path.

         “I would not have minded, I find less joy in these as the years pass,” Loki uttered, eyes elsewhere to narrow. A raven landed next to him on the branches, head cocking before it flew over us.

         “A chance to be free and find a little adventure, Loki, you’re truly missing the point,” Thor insisted. 

         “We rarely catch anything decent and I hardly call this one mild day an adventure compared to our other travels that last weeks on end,” came Loki’s terse response. Clearly agitated today. "You play with overgrown birds and flaunt."

         “With you two bickering, we’ll never have a chance to catch anything. I’m sure the other groups out are faring much better,” Sif cut over them both.

         “Agreed,” Hogun added.

         “How about a rousing song to lift our spirits?” Thor piped up with a wide smile and we all groaned loudly. “Fine, fine, it’s best we split here anyhow.” I patted my horse’s neck idly and Thor split us up, putting me with Fandral while he stayed with Loki. Volstagg, Sif, and Hogun went another way.

         “Last hunt I went on wasn’t too exciting,” I commented and our horses moved past the massive trees. Over dirt and rubble. “Almost caught a crow, but it looked into my soul or something and I couldn't let my arrow go.” I adjusted the quiver on my back and turned my head when a flock of birds flew from a branch nearby. "Strange." My bow shook while we went on.

         “I consider it a success if my face survives,” Fandral replied and my lips quirked up.

         “I’d put my very life on the line to protect it.”

         “You are a true friend, sweet lady,” he laughed to himself. Something crunched ahead of us after silent steps. Finally. 

         “Shall we?” Fandral asked quieter and I nodded, dismounting my horse before we both tied them to a branch. I wondered how the others were as we’d gone deep into the forest away from each other. Petting my animal’s nose, I turned to follow Fandral and pulled the bow from my back when he did the same. We walked in perfect silence for a few minutes as animals chirped within the trees. Leave rustled idly.

         And then they all went silent. 

         “Fandral,” I whispered, gesturing with my chin to something in the distance and we moved behind a large bush.

         “It’ll do,” we’d spotted a decently sized pheasant up ahead. “Shall we give it a go?”

         “All yours,” I shrugged and watched him string his bow. Just as he pulled back, the pheasant gave a jolt when one of our horses made a loud sound behind us. My stomach churned when I jumped. The bird appeared to panic and flapped its wings to get further away. Fandral let out a sound of irritation.

         “Go ahead and try to get it, I’ll check the horses,” I carefully moved past him and made my way back to the small clearing. A squelch and crunch had me on high alert.

         My horse wasn’t where I’d tied it and I cursed under my breath as I got to the area. Frozen. Jaw dropping. My horse had run off. Fandral’s lie slain with a large creature tearing into its neck. Flesh ripping. I saw sharp, broad shoulders move as it crouched and recognized it. A bilgesnipe.

         Blood spurted and I scrambled to string an arrow before it noticed me. Rounding a tree, I waited, pulse pounding, and I realized how quiet it had gotten. No birds. Damn it. I prayed Fandral would stay away as I shifted to aim at its head when the unknowing warrior’s voice called for me. Gasping, I saw the creature perk up, its huge antlers clanking against a tree. It spun around and snarled. 

         Dripping fangs bared, black eyes darted in Fandral’s general direction.

         “No! Over here!” I yelled and it twisted to me, massive scaly body rippled, claws digging into the dirt. Fandral called my name louder with panic and I aimed as the creature dove for me, managing to hit it high in the shoulder. It roared and let out a screech that caused me to drop to one knee, covering my ears. A shattering sound. 

         Come on, focus! Having no time to react as it went for me again, I jumped up and grabbed the tree branch to bring myself up. Claws slashed against my thigh and I screamed out but got myself up to string another arrow when I saw Fandral appear. The bilgesnipe turned to circle him, a menacing growl exiting its mouth.

         Blood soaked my leg. Pain burst forth and I ignored it.

         Heaving, I yanked out an arrow when Fandral aimed to kill it and realized my bowstring snapped. The tree vibrated. Tossing it and my arrows down, I grabbed the hunting knife from my hip and readied myself when Fandral’s arrow barely missed it as it jumped with no warning.

         “Stay back!” Fandral told me but the beast was closing in. I jumped for it, landing on its back and grabbing it roughly by the antlers to stop it. The bilgesnipe roared, reeling up to kick as I tried to break its neck but only managed to stop it from attacking Fandral. 

         Another howl echoed. It bucked me off and I hit the dirt in a daze before claws tore across my collar and shoulder, barely missing my throat. Blood splashed across my tunic while I screamed. Dirt and poison seeped into my veins. The beast shrieked again when Fandral hit it in the back. I scrambled up but fell backward against a tree. Red poured down my chest. 

         Fandral had fallen to his knees while the pain from the monster’s roar beat against his eardrums. With one hand against my collar tightly, I managed to get my knife up. My breathing turned to small gasps. Sweat, blood, and grime caked my body. 

         “H-Here!” I beckoned it to me, giving Fandral a chance to get up. I looked into its eyes and saw myself broken and reflected. It targeted me and snarled before lunging fully. I had one chance so just as the razor sharp claws hacked into my abdomen, I brought the wide blade up and pierced it through the neck as Fandral’s next arrow found its skull.

         Oh, gods. 

         The beast choked and twitched before it heaved and went limp, sliding from me and taking a large amount of my blood with it. I dropped the knife and settled my hands against my stomach. As if I was afraid that they were the only thing holding some of my organs in. Sticky red wet everything on my front. Feverish, the world blurred. 

         Shock etched me. I couldn’t feel the pain for a fleeting moment of quiet. My legs managed one confused step and I looked beyond my friend, dazed. Thought I saw an outline in the depths of the forest. A pair of glassy, black eyes that ripped through me.

         Fandral said my name once before I fell to my knees and then he shouted it, barely catching me while I crumpled back.

         “Why did you do that! It was foolish. So foolish. Hold your hands down. Apply pressure.” He pushed his palms over mine and all I could smell was rust. A spell sparked weakly under my palms. Fizzling out,

       “I had to…protect your face.” I chuckled dryly, shaking. Choking. Dirt puffed up my nose. My fingertips chilled and Fandral cradled my face, his lips pressed together. "I...I got it...just..." Another spell dimmed. Went out. Fandral tried to see the damage. Paling. 

        “A stone or spell will not be enough for this. You need the healing room. Now.” He was gathering me up in his arms. All I wanted to do was close my eyes and sleep. Dream. The lush green of the forest swayed together. “Damn it, where are the others?” He kept talking and muttering things to keep me from the pull of sleep. "Heimdall!"

          “How bad is it?” I rasped, groaning every time we moved and Fandral instead called for help. “Ugh, gods,” I hissed, my hands still firmly pressed against myself. Warm, sticky blood began smearing across Fandral’s clothing. I could feel the torn flesh under my fingers. Blood and tissue slimy against my touch. When he didn’t answer, I said something else, “tell me…something positive at least.”

         “I dare say that your face is still flawless as well,” he offered and I twitched weakly, “now you must keep your eyes open.” Distantly, I allowed my head to lull but fought the temptation of closing my eyes. “Do you hear that? It’s a horse, we’re over here! We need assistance now!”

         “What happened?!” Another tone shouted and I heard a horse skidding coming to a stop. Loki? “Give her to me now!”

         “Bilgesnipe. Massive. Attacked us,” Fandral sputtered as I was being lifted. “How did you-?”

         “Her horse ran past us and I took off, Thor will be here soon,” Loki shot out and I blinked. He managed to hold my back with one arm. The other hand was on his horse’s reins while he brought my body securely into him.

         “Get her out of here, make haste,” Fandral touched my head briefly, nestling me into Loki's chest.

         “I’m fine. I just...I just need to get the spell working. Feel like I c-can't catch my breath.” I murmured, toneless, and Loki’s horse took off. The bouncing movement as it raced across the forest sent more pain up my front. Whimpering, tears leaked out the corners of my eyes and I grabbed for the fabric of Loki’s torso. My other palm still firm on my stomach. Holding myself together.

         “Cry all you please, just stay awake and focus on me,” he coaxed. “I can see the palace. Look,” the prince tried, “we’re almost home. Are you focusing?” Slowly, I blinked and nodded once as I felt his arm pull me a bit tighter. It was comforting for just a second when my head fell against his torso. Stillness.

         “Why is there always so much blood?” I swallowed and began muttering things incoherently. Clothing shredded around my shoulder to slip down. “So much. Forgive me… It’s…everywhere.”

         “Damn it, foolish girl, you need not apologize for bleeding on me. Stay awake,” Loki shook me a little to keep me from slipping away. "Almost there. I have you."

         Cloud surged over us. Different shapes I could no longer make out. I only saw Loki there. Clear as day. Words tumbled out.

         “Do you think of me often when I’m not there? Thought I would ask now…oh,” I coughed harsher and metal flooded my mouth. More red spilled down my front. Loki’s gaze kept flickering down to me every other second then back to the path his horse was racing along. “I…I can’t heal myself,” I whimpered again.

         “The healers will take care of you, do not attempt to overexert yourself,” he ordered as I slouched. A spark. “Open your eyes, damn you!” Jolting, I tried hard to focus on Loki as he kept pushing his horse faster.

         “Loki?”

         “What is it?”

         “You…had a…an emotional reaction to the lanterns…didn’t you?” I could feel him breathing heavier. His pulse beat almost as quickly as mine. Souls twisting. With shaken fingers, I held onto him tight, afraid I’d fall from the horse and away from him.

         “I suppose I bloody well did, are you satisfied?” Loki muttered and I exhaled, barely smiling. “I’ll give you your own damn lantern after all of this. Just stay. Stay with me.”

         “I want to so bad, Loki,” my head fell back and Loki jostled me again with little result as he decided to steer his horse into the palace itself, yelling for people to move. Hoofs clanked against the hard floor. Red dribbled in our wake. Cries echoed.

         “I need healers out here now!” Loki’s horse was restless until someone grabbed its reins and calmed it. Moira got there first and she began to help me down with Loki. 

           “I have you, my friend,” Moira assured me. Elisif wet her ornate blue robes in blood helping. Loki was forced to carry me in after as I couldn’t seem to let go of his clothing. "Put her down here, your highness,” she stated and Loki was settling me on a small bed in a secluded room. When I still did not let go of his clothing, his hand covered mine.

         “You must release me so I can assist,” he pried my bloodied fingers from his clothing.

         “Don’t leave me,” I whimpered, hot tears blurring my already unfocused vision as I pressed my arms against myself. Loki’s hand touched my jaw, the back of his fingers caressing my cheek before he quickly pulled back.

         “I will be here, let them work on you,” he tried when more healers began tugging at my clothes. Prying my hands from the wound. Exposing pieces of me. Writhing in pain, I grabbed at the mattress under me, gasping for air.

         “Have her drink from this,” I heard in my daze and struggled. The white-hot pain seared into my flesh before I screamed and fought. It blinded me. The healers tried to get me to drink but I kept pushing away and then Loki said my name, causing me to still.

         “Give it to me,” he ordered, taking the flask while I tossed a little, trembling so hard. The shadow from the forest appeared in the doorway. A tall, pointed sort of silhouette. Waiting for me. 

         "Who is that?" I panicked. Figuring Death itself or the Norns had come to drag me away. 

         "Just the poison making you hallucinate." Elisif eased. "Focus here, hon. We have you now."

         "No, no, no..." I looked down and saw my stomach torn half-open. Claws still embedded there. Mangled gore spilling out. Loki came into sight and sat down as the healers began to work again.

         “Beckon my mother in here, I want to be sure that she will be alright.”

         “Yes, my prince.” Moira pointed behind him and someone rushed out.

         “Loki,” my chest heaved with a small sob and he took my face in one hand. Eyes averted. "Who is that in the doorway? In the shadows. Looks like...an elf."

         “Look right here. Look at me. Drink this, it will help you rest while they work now,” he was already lifting it to my parted lips, his other hand cradling my head to bring me up. 

         Swallowing a decent amount, more fatigue washed over me and I inhaled sharper, eyes flickering over Loki’s. Pain edged off. His thumb wiped across my bottom lip, brow knitting together. I tried to focus on him but I was so very tired and I could feel sleep threatening to pull me away. Back into clouds without shapes. Back into strange shadows that played around me.

         Loki leaned down near my ear. I felt his face nudge into mine a little as I went completely slack and the healers worked quicker. His breath tickled against my neck before he spoke, cradling my jaw with one hand. 

         “I think of you frequently when you are not around,” he confessed, “even when I attempt not to.”

         The smile that crossed my lips faded when sleep tugged me away.

** ** **

         This was better. Shapeless clouds. Warm and strange shadows. Pooling around me while I floated aimless. I pictured myself curled up in a great womb. Waiting. Healing. Safe. Eyes shifted into the black. A speck like a star glimmered distantly. Got closer. Brighter. An orange sunset of an orb whirled before my face.

         Seeming to burst. Seeming to explode.

         And I didn't look away from it. Air rushed. 

         Jolting awake when a door opened and shut, my vision focused on the ceiling above me before I’d turned my gaze to a lone prince pausing. 

         “Loki?” I croaked with a dry mouth.

         “Figures, you awaken before you are supposed to,” he commented. Breathing evenly, I watched him, not able to get up. “I trust you remember what happened.”

         “Yes,” I whispered hoarser, shifting. “The bilgesnipe. Oh, I was having the strangest dream, Loki...”

         “Be still,” he commanded. “Everyone has been in to visit you once, I advise that you wait to see the others until you’re healed fully.”

         “Do my parents know?” Eyes flicked. 

         “Word is going to be sent.”

         “Can…Can you stop it?” I asked reluctantly, voice weak. Lip quirking, Loki produced a letter from his pocket.

         “I already have.”

         “Thank you,” I exhaled, relieved while Loki tossed the letter into the fireplace. "I don't want them to know about me here."

         “I like to believe that I know you rather well,” he sat down next to me.

         “What happens now?” I looked down at myself, realizing they’d changed me into a thin shift. I could feel bandages around my stomach and over my collar.

         “Certain circumstances mean that you will not be well until later tonight. They healed your leg with a stone easily. But, it was discovered that the wounds on your torso had broken claws embedded into them, which had to be pulled out. Cleansed of impurities and poison. They’re going to wait a few hours to be sure that you are responding well before they finish.” 

         “My luck.” I nodded as he spoke. 

         “Your abdomen was cleaned up and they checked to make sure everything internal was in place. All there. Mother sent me to clean up these once more,” he pointed to my collar, “so we can heal you fully soon. I imagine you want it as soon as possible.”

         “I’d like that,” I swallowed, “can I sit up?” Loki exhaled out his nose but gingerly helped me sit back against the headboard, adjusting my pillows with ease. “Was everyone else alright?”

         “Yes,” he peered aside, waving his hand as a bottle uncorked itself and poured some liquid on the rag he’d picked up.

         “You should teach me that one day,” I murmured with a light smirk.

         “Think I’ll soften because you are injured?”

         “It’s worth a try. Help me save myself a little.” I spoke and he shook his head at me.

         “Fandral relayed an interesting tale. What you did was completely foolish nevertheless brave. Loyalty has made you reckless.”

         “It does that. Suppose you're right. It all happened so quickly,” I hissed when he pulled the gauze from my wound, “are they terrible?”

         “After the healing stones, there will not even be a trace of them left,” he replied. 

         “I always found that so strange in our healing arts.”

         “Hm?”

         “That physical scars can sometimes be a choice.” I let my shoulders sag and he paused to see me.

         “I suppose there is truth to that. Gods aren’t often allowed their flaws... They were worried the beast had torn some of your internal processes out.” Loki dabbed the solution against my cuts and I clenched my teeth together when it burned into the tender spots. I watched his face as he worked until he looked at me.

         “Were you afraid?”

         “I was afraid that I would not have gotten to tell you how damn reckless you were.” Loki tilted his head and my face twitched with amusement. “Thor should have paired you with me.”

         “Not Fandral's fault. I would have jumped on a monstrous bilgesnipe for you too,” I breathed even. “I didn’t think you’d even want to go with me.”

         “Why is that?” Loki was looking at my wound again as he worked.

         “You were…quieter toward me since the festival.”

         “I’ve just had nothing to say.”

         “Really?” I tilted my head. "And the court nobles aren't bothering you about...anything?"

         “Granted I avoid them at all costs.”

         “Hm. Something on your mind though?” My breath hitched again when the sting washed over me. He dabbed the cuts with a small patch of gauze, skin beginning to knit itself together. “Do you-?”

         “Hold still, I am almost…oh…” Loki had fumbled and dropped the gauze down my front before we both paused.

         “I…” My face went hot when he reached but snapped back, flustered. I’d never really seen him like this. Cool, collected Loki with clever words for miles. Almost blushing.

         “Can you-?”

         “Yes,” I squeaked, shifting to fish it out. Loki barely spared me a glance when he took it back, his jaw tight.

         “Why…are you in here and not a healer…?”

         “Technically, I am sort of a healer.”

         “You know what I mean.”

         “I told you, Mother sent me,” the prince replied. “Would you rather I was not?”

         “No, I didn’t mean that.” I paused. “I just wondered.”

         “She figured it was a good idea after earlier.”

         “What…happened earlier?”

         “You don’t remember calling my name while they cleaned you up?”

         “No. I fell asleep,” I watched Loki look up at me.

         “Yes, well, you did.”

         “I probably was…confused…disoriented maybe.”

         “Hm. That may explain the first time,” he paused, his gaze harder, “but it does not explain the many times after.”

         “I don’t know.” I stammered, cheeks scalding hot.

         “You would not stop thrashing and crying until I came over and finally they had me stay there to calm you.”

         “Sorry,” I muttered and he exhaled through his nose.

         “Don't apologize,” Loki tilted his head at me and we both went quiet for a moment. I looked anywhere but at him. His knuckles brushed against my cleavage and I bit the inside of my cheek when I felt his hand tremble again. Instead, I glanced to the nightstand and gazed at the sunflowers in a vase I’d not seen before.

         “They’re beautiful…when did those get here?” I remarked. Loki faltered, his eyes shifting to them and then me. A beat.

         “Mother insisted that I bring them up earlier from her garden. She hoped that she…picked a flower you enjoyed.”

         “I love all flowers. But, sunflowers are one of my many favorites. Tell her thank you for me.” I watched him nod once.

         “Large and yellow, I do not know what you see in them.”

         “They follow the sun,” I spoke, chest sinking. “It’s a good example to follow, I think. I’d do well to do it more. Maybe we all could.” My lips upturned at Loki when he looked at me again.

         “I’ll tell her that you appreciate them.”

** ** **

         “Last one, I promise you that this will be the last one,” Frigga soothed and I managed a nod as she took my hand to comfort me. Moira crushed the stone and pressed it into my collarbone before the burn radiated up my body.

         “Ah!” I shut my eyes tight and it faded to a dull ache before I fell back against the pillows. Opening my eyes, I caught sight of the bright sunflowers looking back at me. Breathing evenly now, I smiled as Frigga helped me sit up. “Thank you, Moira.”

         “We’ll always be here to assist one of our own.” Moira bid Frigga farewell and left to wash up.

         “We are just relieved that you are all right,” the Queen smiled kinder. “Take it easy for the night and rest. Tomorrow, you shall likely be yourself once more.”

         “Good,” I puffed out. “May I get up and go back to my room?”

         “Of course, I will send a meal up to you in an hour. You should get your strength back.” She helped me up. “Do you need assistance to your room?”

         “No, thank you. For everything. If you see Loki, tell him that as well. I don’t think he’ll see me in a while.”

         “Why is that, dear?”

         “He’s been acting strange…a bit.” I shrugged, wincing. “I figured he was upset with me.”

         “Loki is not upset with you at all. He spent an hour pulling me around my garden, asking me what flowers to bring you.” Frigga watched me tilt my head. “Poor thing, you should have seen him. He was just worried for you. I’ll admit he’s been more…”

         “Flustered?”

         “I suppose,” she grinned. "It's a new color on my boy."

         “Forgive me, I’m confused, Loki… He told me that the flowers were from you?”

         “No, I advised him but it was…oh,” Frigga clasped her hands together in front of her lips. “I see.”

         “I should go back to my room. Thank you again.” I breathed, looking over at the wall but Frigga made me pause.

         “Take these to your quarters.” Carefully, she handed me the vase and my lips pressed. “Eat then rest up.”

         “I will…” In a daze, I went back to my room alone.

         The smell of fresh flowers under my nose. Tangling my senses up completely.

** ** **

         “Come in,” I called, setting a towel aside after drying my hair. Dress swaying about my bare feet. Turning, I paused when I saw Loki holding a tray. “What are you doing here?”

         “What does it look like?” He released the tray and allowed it to float to the table. "Food and a tonic."

         “No, I mean…why are you the one bringing it up?”

         “Must you always take issue with my appearance today?” Hands pushed behind his back.

         “Frigga sent you?”

         “Yes.”

         “But, she didn’t send the flowers, did she? Or the mysterious lantern now hanging from my balcony outside.”

         “Why does it matter?” He uttered my name as a sigh.

         “It matters to me when a friend starts acting differently around me.” I paused. “They were perfect,” I whispered with a glance toward the large, yellow petals. “Thank you. And thank you for caring for me, whether under Frigga’s command or not. You could have told me. You’re withholding.”

         “I am simply doing what needs to be done.”

         “Did the flowers need to be done? The lantern? Telling me that you think of me?” I tilted my head and he stared with no expression on his face. “So much for not being sentimental.”

         “If you are done mocking, I will take my leave.”

         “Loki,” I rushed to grasp his wrist, tugging. Begging. “I…I’m not mocking you. I want to know that you’re alright. That we’re alright.”

         “I am fine.” Loki watched me as he turned. Hard and intent. My fingers left him. “As are we.” He sighed, dropping his hands to glance down at them. Brow wrinkling and he spoke again in a different tone. “You stopped breathing.”

         “What?”

         “For eighteen long seconds, you went perfectly still next to me. Your face was in my hands and for eighteen seconds, I thought somehow that you had… It made me think about…” He set his jaw, fiddling with his hands. Teeth bared. Green eyes panned to me. Sharp. Upset. Hurting.  “Do not ever do that again.”

         “I cannot promise you that. I won't.” I let out a sober and amused breath that caught in my throat. Choked me.

         “Never again.” Loki turned and, in an instant, he was gone.

         My door smacked shut and I didn't go after him that night. 

** ** **

         “Loki! Open up!” I knocked hard. “I know you’re in there…” Don’t lose your nerve. I’d gotten up early and bathed before the sun had even risen and marched down to his room. Mission at hand. “Loki.” 

         In a swift motion, the door opened and I came in as it shut behind me. Still lying on his stomach, Loki had his face buried into the pillow with the blankets draped over him. Sprawled all directions in lush gold silks and furs.

         “I finally get something close to a good night’s sleep since the festival and here you are,” he grumbled, his black hair a mess around his face. The fatigued expression lifted to see me there, blinking.

         “Look, I have thought long and hard about everything and I’ve…” I paused when Loki sat up, the covers falling to his waist and my eyes lingered on his bare chest. Pants hung low around his hips. Lines sculpted him perfectly. “I’ve…I’ve…”

         “Hmm, what is it?” He smoothed his hair from his forehead and cheeks. Looked like a painting there posed out.

         “I’ve decided that I’m angry,” I crossed my arms. Losing the will to fight because he looked stunning.

         “You do sound angry.” Undaunted, he got up and didn’t even look at me as he passed. “I understand.”

         “Well, I am! All this acting different and playing dumb. It’s maddening. You’re driving me crazy with this all. And…And after yesterday, all you can muster up is ordering me not to stop breathing, while it is…it is somehow oddly kind,” I watched Loki pick up something from his bookcase, “you cannot just act like you care and not at the same time and if you think for second that I believe things are normal between us, you’ve not met me at all. It’s obvious and for a moment yesterday I thought you’d open up but you march off and leave me there and ugh, Loki, are you even listen-?”

         “Here,” he’d pushed a book into my grasp and sat down on his bed. Hands rubbed at his face again to wake up fully.

         “What is it?”

         “Read it. Be amazed.” Fingers gestured out.

         “This…This is a spellbook,” I raised an eyebrow. “Are you giving me this to shut me up? Because…Because it won’t work,” I stood my ground, pressing my lips together. My signature pout.

         “Nothing would. Which I find charming,” he smirked, leaning over to stifle a yawn. Lean muscles moved under his porcelain skin. “For your information, this was something I gave more thought to after yesterday’s events.”

         "Thought it wasn't allowed just yet." I quipped there, hands on my hips.

         "Well, I'm allowing it. They'll pout about my taking from you the main training grounds, but if you train with me...I think your speed and precision can be improved with the magical arts. That's what we'll tell them for now." Loki admired me, eyes scanning. "We'll say that healing isn't enough. Your magic is flooding. You need...a bigger outlet for it."

         “You’d do this for me?”

         “What are close friends for?” Loki tilted his head but quickly pointed at me when I smiled, my excitement rising. “Now, wait. Do not think that this is a definite yes for the end of days. Your healing training is going to come first for a few months. You are going to spend a couple of weeks reading over that and we are going to discuss your future in careful detail before we even come close to-ah!” Loki was pushed back when I’d wrapped my arms around him, every bit of worry from the last few days dissipating.

         “Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I chanted, holding him close to me as he rolled us over. Loki sat up, a tired smirk on his face and I smiled, my free hand on his bare shoulder. He pressed one palm by my head and we paused when I realized he was between my legs. “Oh…I…” In a fluid motion, we sat up and scooted away from each other. Laughing nervously, I tucked my hair behind my ear and hugged the book to myself. “Really, I’m grateful for this, Loki. Still angry, but grateful.”

         “Do not die before we start lessons now.” Loki spoke and I rolled my eyes. Slowly, I moved toward him, hands clutching the book tight. When I heard his breath hitch, I paused but still shifted to kiss his jaw, lingering.

         “I will try.” I sat back to look at his face. “I should…let you sleep now.”

         “I think that is out of the question.”

         “My fault,” I shrugged.

         “Yes,” his lip upturned at me, “it is.”

         “We friends again?”

         “For now,” Loki decided. We both shared a beat. Elated beyond any belief and so tender about it. "Meet me in the library in an hour. I'll bring up some fruit and we'll talk."

         "Sounds good." I shifted. Sincerity pulled. "I know what magic means to you. I won't ever take it for granted."

         "I believe you." Loki replied softer, tucking my hair away.

         “I’ll make this up to you one day.”

         “Yes, you most certainly will.” He smiled at me once more as I scrambled up from his bed.

         “Until then,” I backed up with the book in my arms while he watched me closer. “I’ll see you soon.”

         “Farewell.” Loki nodded and watched me go. “Take care of that book.”

         “I will,” I beamed as the door opened. “Promise.” 

         When I left, I opened the front page of the book and paused immediately. Pressed inside was the flower I’d attached to him after the festival. Petals delicate and dried. Not able to help it, I smiled bright and closed the cover. Unafraid of hope and of what the future held.  

         My world shifted in a different direction that day and I didn’t care which way it went next.

         As long as that insufferable sorcerer stayed in it.

Chapter Text

           “Again,” Loki stood calm.

           Nothing.

           “And again.”

           “I can’t.”

           “Ah, no.” He chided me, spinning my chair around. Eyes forced and burned. “If I hear those words again within this next hour-”

           “I’m sorry.”

           “Those as well.” Loki sighed and flocked to a seat next to me. “See and feel.” He touched the back of my neck, pressing against me and slipped a hand down my arm. “You cannot allow these nerves and the tension to hinder you. Magic is unforgiving. More so than any blade. Soon you will see.” His fingers lit with green light effortlessly and I exhaled, dropping my gaze while I laid my palms flat. “You’ve read the book. You know the spell. You’ve done every meditation I’ve requested. You know this in your bones, now feel it in your heart.” Loki stood and took his hand from me before he grew softer. “Again.”

           “Right…” I kept my eyes open and cupped my hands again. 

           The spell was harmless. Summoning light. All on my own.

           My arms shook and I heard Loki exhale out his nose, which did nothing to make me feel confident so I stood to gather myself. I felt his eyes on my back and I took a few steps away. A beat.

           “You’re not focused today.” Loki's utter of my name grounded me.

           “I just need a moment,” I pressed my hand to my lips and faced a massive bookcase away from him. The library remained empty this hour, per Loki’s wishes. Third floor airy with sunlight. A chill swept my bones instead. “I don’t know what I’m doing so wrong.”

           “It’s your first month of lessons, the struggle is part of it. You have to build this up steadily and always be aware and open to it. Magic will become a sixth sense.” Loki eased. “I’m not frustrated. I know you can do this… Do you?”

           I turned on my heel, chest sinking before I silently came to the table and sat back down. Loki tried a different tactic to unfurl me.

           “Tell me about your day.”

           “I thought I was supposed to be focusing.” I cupped my hands, staring down at them as I tried to bring forth a flicker of damned light. All I got were dying sparks. Unruly embers.

           “What did you do after breakfast?” Loki went on, not bothered and I sucked in my cheeks.

           “I received a letter from my parents.” I licked my lips, trying to isolate my words from my heart.

           “Ah. Mother or father?”

           “Father.” I felt Loki watching me intently but didn’t look up from my task.

           “Oh?” He became aloof. “He never writes you here, not on his own.”

           “I noticed.”

           “So have I.”

           “It doesn’t matter.” I swallowed. "I'm surprised he was sober enough to write one. They tell me he drinks and fights. Disrupts the entire neighborhood some evenings. I know he must spend most nights on the couch. He'll get himself stabbed." I should be so lucky.

           “What did it say?” He'd asked, stilling the world around us.

           “Word for word?” I lifted my brow. “ Dearest daughter…”

           “Quaint beginning,” Loki muttered as I went on, distracted.

           “…I ask about you on occasions when the sun has lifted. I wonder if it sparkles still in those dark eyes.” I recited. “They tell me you study close with Odin’s best warriors. They tell me you spend a lot of time with his sons. It pleases me…to know I’ve taught you the value of good company. It pleases me…”

           My hands curled up into fists. More sparks.

           “...to know my lessons were not received upon deaf ears while you soared between clouds. Your mother and I miss you around the house. The world is so quiet without you. You’ve taken on a great opportunity. Do not tarnish it. Do not disappoint us. The hard work we put into you...”

           My voice cracked and Loki made no comment. I went on.

           “Perhaps one day, you shall learn to appreciate the gifts. If you’re lucky, a man will cast his gaze and learn to love you despite your shortcomings. If you’re lucky, you shall be like me and have a man who cherishes you like I do. Loves you like I love your mother. Keep up this work you’ve begun for the Queen, curry favor with the royals. Do not disappoint us again and send word of how you are to your mother. We miss you. Father.”

           “How many times did you read that letter?” Loki asked gently and I scoffed, hands clasping together.

           “Seventeen. Probably more.” I pressed my lips.

           “But it does not matter.” Loki grew sympathetic to my plight in his voice.

           “Do not mock me.” My jaw pressed taut, cheeks sucking in. Another spark.

           “Is that what I am doing?” He soothed. “Am I not a Prince? I can say what I wish. Isn’t that right?”

           “Friendship is worth more than royal blood.” His games tired me in a way and charged me in another.

           “Are you here to learn the art of magic or to be my friend?” Loki shrugged, hands tight.

           I really considered it.

           “Am I so terrible to think both?”

           “You're capable of being terrible," he charmed, "but not right now. Am I not your Prince before I am your friend?”

           “In whose eyes?” I countered and Loki smirked at that.

           “All.” His chest sank and rose sharper.

           “By your parents, the first. By mine, the first. By Asgard, the first. Because that is law and how things have to be.” I sighed. “By me, begrudgingly the first…except when we are alone. I feel the distant uttering of the second. By you, the second. Always and forever.”

           “So certain I think such things?” Loki quirked his brow in a way that used to make me melt. Maybe it still did. 

           “I think we’re years past the notion that you might be toying with me." I looked deeply into him. That beautiful stillness always following us. Waiting. Sparking. "Teaching me magic, you might as well be reading me your private diary.”

           “Hm. That may be. If I am here to teach you because I am your dear friend…then the only question left. Why exactly are you here with me? Answer it explicitly.”

           “Because I did everything short of dropping to my knees and begging you to teach me.” I scoffed with some amusement, hands opening to flex. Nothing yet.

           “Maybe you’re seeking a way to escape so that you may continue to look at me as friend before prince.” Loki’s suggestion was fond. “Maybe you also seek to escape those words your father pours into your heart to wash what is left of you away.”

           “It’s perfectly alright to outgrow your parents without their consent.” My heart picked up at the expression.

           “If only you believed yourself.”

           “He isn’t here with me,” I insisted.

           “Do not lie,” Loki got harsh. At last. Taking my chin to snap my eyes in his direction. “Not to your prince. Not to your friend.”

           “Soon Thor will be King and you, his highest adviser. You won’t have time for me. Perhaps, you’re…wasting your time here.” My spine lifted to straighten when Loki stepped forward. Fingers slipped into my hair, shifting it to touch his lips to my ear. There was a power in his heart that rose with his crisp voice to twist into mine.

           “I would invent the very fabric of time out of thin air if it meant that I could waste more with you.” The scent of fresh mint misted my nose and I sighed out, eyes ahead. “I do not appreciate this weak assumption. Don’t apologize.” Loki stopped the syllables before they could leave and I shut my mouth. “Just warrior up and tell your friend why you bothered begging for him to tutor you.”

           “Magic makes me feel...connected. I want to be better.” I admitted after a beat that pulsed between us.

           “Are you here right now with me to make your father proud?” Loki’s question punched me in the gut.

           “No!” I trembled, sniffing as I summoned every bit of power within me. “I’m here for myself.”

           “I do not believe you.” Loki grew gentle behind me. “Say it again.”

           “I’m here for myself.” I swallowed, puffing slightly for air. Light sputtered.

           “Again.” Loki requested. I closed my eyes and opened them, hissing. Magic simmered and quelled in my marrow.

           “I am here for my bloody self,” I clenched my teeth, opening my fingers up a little to release the tension.

           “Scream it for me, sweetheart.” Loki coaxed and I slammed my palms on the table when my chest twisted around before I cupped shaken hands together.

           “I am here for myself!” I yelled, crying out in heat after. “I’m here for me! I’m here for me! Not him, me!” I echoed along walls and windows vibrated before I heaved and puffed again to breathe. Just breathe.

           Lavender light flickered and awoke, swirling upon my fingers and gathering like a blooming flower in my hands. The light spilled from my palms and Loki’s hand came to my shoulder.

           “And there we have it.” Fingers delved in to monitor the light, stealing some to let it flick between elegant digits. I heard him inhale sharper at the feel. Magic twisted together same as heartstrings. “Not bad at all.”

           “I did it?” I stood up, facing him with it pulsing while I pressed myself to hold on. Safe and warm. “I did it!”

           “You did.” Loki turned when he smiled. The glow sparkled with him because I returned it. “And now for your next task.”

           “Can I appreciate this for another moment?” I insisted and Loki chuckled.

           “Very well.” He gestured so I beamed brighter at the bloom there, lips spreading until I nodded.

           “All right, go on.”

           “You will hold that through this afternoon. Walk the grounds and keep track of how long you’re able to keep it in one sitting. It dissipates, you start another. Note what distracts you. Note how you focus. You’re getting to know yourself once more. You’re getting to know the forces around you. Feeling them. I expect you to challenge yourself and I had better see that when I come to you through the evening.” Dinner, which I’d mostly skipped, had ended so warriors would be everywhere off grounds. “You cannot just walk about the palace. Have a little fun.”

           “Right. Fun.” My brow knit together and Loki approached with a warm expression before he picked up a scroll and bopped the top of my head with it. “Hey!” I backed up and lost the light, growling.

           “Barely a minute.” Loki noted, pointing the object at me. “Once more.” He set the scroll aside and a long staff materialized in his hand when I created the illumination. One swing forward and I dodged, holding steady until Loki circled me.

           “Are you going to spend your evening chasing me with a stick in hand?” I mocked and his lips spread over glinting teeth. Genuinely elated about it.

           “I cleared my day for you, sweetheart,” he pressed a hand to his chest, feigning offense. “Go on now. Play like all is this normal. I’ll check in with you later. When you least expect it.”

           “Your mother will hear about this, Odinson.” I turned on my heel to go.

           “Remember what I said. Open those pretty, dark eyes, sweetheart.” Loki offered as I went.

           “Eyes open and feet walking,” I called behind me, huffing while I peered at my hands. The flame danced there. Trying. “Stay.”

** ** **

           “I can do this,” I muttered, focused while I passed attendants along the hallways. 

           A setting sun illuminated the arches. Watercolors spilled together. I walked up and down steps and followed the perimeter outside the palace before coming back in. A watch hung on a chain from my neck, per Loki’s request, while I took slow steps and held my arms out a bit with my eyes zeroed in on the light. Far too focused.

           Double doors opened to my side and I stopped cold, peering barely to see the King exiting in all his splendor. Guards behind him paused when he did to watch me freeze. Instantly, I took a knee while the light flickered and almost went out but I gasped and caught it. 

           “Forgive me, your majesty. I’m not watching where I’m going, I must have taken a wrong turn down that hallway. I didn’t mean to disrupt your private session.”

           The palace was wide open on the ground floor and everything looked the same frankly. I wasn’t sure how Thor and Loki navigate it.

           “You may rise.” Odin beckoned for his guards to go and they marched off around us.

           “I’ll stay out of the path next time, I shouldn’t be near this wing alone.” I bowed my head a little and he came forward, observing me.

           “You’ve had a lesson with my younger son.” He noted and I glanced up to see his gentle face. “He’s already put you to work the same way Frigga and I did when he was still a child.”

           “I’m lucky and thankful he agreed to teach me,” I offered, budding with nerves to be alone with the King. It didn't happen often.

           “Yes, you have a certain spirit I admired in him once. I still remember his capacity for magic as a tiny baby, already projecting it without realizing. Made him a handful at times, but Frigga and I did also raise Thor. I’m sure you know his personality well enough after the long years as his companion. My sons always found ways to surprise.” I didn’t laugh until he beamed at me, lips turning up.

           “Thor’s…very confident.” I managed and Odin chuckled at that. The King took time to chat with me, awe etched my face 

           “A kinder word. You’re very careful, more so since arriving to our dorms and working under my wife. Do you enjoy the healing room?”

           “I do, my king. Loki says healing magic is a good breach into the world for me. I mostly deal in their filing. Potions and ingredients. Extra hands if needed. But I’ve learned so much. Queen Frigga is unlike anyone I’ve ever known, I owe her my life.”

           “A fit sentiment for a parent and instead you offer such loyalties to your Queen.” Odin watched me lower my eyes from his and clasped his hands. “I do hope your palace and warrior responsibilities are not taking too much of a toll. I’ve known many to do both and not all succeed. But, Loki tells me you’re clever. Persistent.”

           “A kinder word, your majesty,” I tried not to be shy but Odin seemed amused while I held my spell closer.

           “My son enjoys your company,” Odin responded. “This study will benefit you both. I witnessed your magical capabilities briefly. They should not be lost on you.” 

           “Loki has been gracious to me,” I shielded the light as best I could while it started to fade before I sighed. The King noticed my state and paused once more, eyeing me.

           “You do not have to protect it so ardently.” Odin offered instead and I blinked when he came to me. Imposing. “You have to trust it to thrive on its own, open your hands to unleash it. It won’t leave you. Something I wish I understood in my youth. Your eyes are too fixated on it as well, you’ll lose the horizon ahead of you.” Taking his words to heart, I relaxed and stood taller. “Magic takes a great deal of confidence.”

           “Thank you, my King.” I opened my palms further. “Like this?” Odin took my hands in his and nodded, fixing my arm position so I wasn’t holding the light out and up too far from me. Instead my hands were closer to my stomach. Muscles unwinding. My posture relaxed. 

           “That will be more comfortable as well, you’ll go on longer. If you forget yourself, what is to keep these forces from remembering you?” Odin’s eye was locked to mine and I pressed my lips, bowing my head again. "They have their eyes on us. Past, present, and future."

           “Thank you,” I offered once more, quieter. He stood, so gallant and dignified, beaming with a soft expression. I didn’t dare ask him about the extra coins in my wages after that first battle. If he trusted his sons truly. If he wanted Asgard to evolve for the better or stay the same with his Elders. If these lessons he portrayed to me meant something far deeper to him. 

           “Frigga tells me you’ve made her quite proud this year, I do hope you feel welcome in the dorms.”

           “Oh, yes. I do, your majesty. I’m fortunate to be here.”

           “We are fortunate to have you.” Odin offered, turning to go. “You may resume your studies.” 

           I watched his cape billow and my eyes glittered when the sunlight flooded the archway. Wind picking up my belted tunic. The light in my hand glowed brighter than it ever had before it whirled and stilled. One moment where everything might be fine. Blinking, I turned and paced forward to go down the steps. Into the sunset. Outside, Asgardians eyed me in question but didn’t approach until I neared the training grounds to pass them.

           “Look who shows up from the depths of her important studies,” Sif piped up in jest, sharpening a blade. “Impressive.” Other warriors snickered around us. Made fun of me for straying in my skills.

           “I like to think so.” I shrugged and a body leaned over my shoulder.

           “Here to spar?” Thor grinned and looked a great deal more devious than usual.

           “Just passing through, I had a day in the healing room before this practice I’m getting in with magic,” I turned to look up at him. “It’s getting late. How long have you been out here?”

           “Few hours.” Thor shrugged. “Knocked Fandral into the dirt.”

           “Was that before or after I bested you in the balance contest?” Fandral called.

           “You shouldn’t shout, Fandral, our lovely friend is trying to focus,” Thor touched my shoulder. Smiling that glittery smile that melted the entire court. “It would be a shame if someone distracted her.”

           “Thor, don’t.” I pressed a grin when he poked me.

           “Hm.” Thor clasped his hands behind his back and towered. Sized me up. Fingers snagged one of my curls for a playful tug. He drew closer to my face. “Don’t, what?”

           “I know what you’re trying to do,” I was backing up and he picked up a wooden sword, jabbing at my shoulder but I reeled aside.

           “You’re on the training grounds and you’re my warrior above all,” he shrugged and swiped into the air while I jumped back, holding the light when it about leapt in my hand.

           “Don’t tease, Thor,” Sif shook her head and Thor shrugged. “He used to do this to Loki all the time.”

           “I think I appreciate it less than Loki.” I remembered with a twitch of my lips.

           “It’s a test.” Thor slashed down and I dodged under his arm, shielding the magic in my palm. “Nervous?”

           “Pffft,” I huffed outward and kicked the sword away when it jabbed at me. “I’ve had enough of you.” 

           Thor bounded toward me this time so I jumped up onto a ledge, hopping over a swipe of the blade before it came down near my legs. Sliding back, I used instinct to toss the light up like a ball, lunge over Thor, and catch it. 

           “Ha! I won.” Warriors clapped for me.

           Sif laughed in her seat and I bowed before Thor nudged my bottom with his foot, causing me to tip forward into the sand. The light dissipated so I kicked his leg, bracing myself up on my elbow. 

           “Rude.”

           “It was good practice for you, little apprentice,” Thor reached out and yanked me up.

           “You’ve had your fun.” I brought the glow up my fingers again, sighing as I dusted myself off with one hand.

           “You sure?” He planted his broad palm over my face and I shook it off. “What?”

           “You’re the worst,” I scrunched my face when he took my chin and gestured to Fandral.

           “Tell our dear, doe-eyed friend that I’m helping,” he became nonchalant and I growled at him low in my throat.

           “Bite his hand off,” Fandral coaxed so I chomped and Thor jerked away before I could get him.

           “I missed.” I pressed my lips and stood taller. “Tease someone else, Thor, you’ll get bored with me.”

           “Not by a long shot I think, but I’ll leave you be for now,” he ruffled my hair and I swatted at him.

           “Thor, you’re hogging the fun,” Loki came down a few steps and paced over with the staff in hand. Lazily balancing it over his shoulders.

           “If you two keep bullying our friend, I might have to step in,” Sif warned, winking at me.

           “Sif, I assure you that I’ll behave,” Thor tossed his wooden sword to another warrior and came to sit down. Loki pressed the tip of his staff to my neck, looking away from me.

           “I, unfortunately, do not know the meaning of behave.” He mused, eyebrow quirking.

           “Well, that’s been proven over the years.” Thor sat back and drank down some water. “Enjoy your game.”

           “Brother, yet again, you portray how little you understand-” Loki spun when I took off running, jumping over the ledge and into the grass. “Get back here, I was not finished!” He said that through laughter.

           “Oops!” I called, passing trees and giggling to myself. Loki materialized in front of me and swiped before I went through the clone. “Nice try!” 

           Dashing, I moved under a tree branch while the sky darkened and the light in my hand grew brighter. Loki caught up to me easily and swung, whacking a tree when I jumped up into it. 

           Clones rounded it and I huffed down at them. 

           “Not funny. I’ve done well today, admit it.” 

           “There will be many lessons to come,” Loki sighed, the clones dissipated. “Come on down, I’ll buy you dinner since you skipped it to work before we met up.”

           “And dessert,” I tilted my chin up. 

           “And dessert, it’s only civilized,” Loki reached up for me and something hissed while the leaves shuffled behind my back. Weight dropped onto my shoulder and slid down my front, chest quaking in shock before my face went flat. 

           Loki had gasped out and put his hand up in a defensive motion. A massive snake rolled down and lifted, slithering to bare dripping teeth.

           “Very funny, Loki, I’m still holding the spell.” I cocked my head and Loki’s eyes were wide.

           “This isn’t mine.” He had the staff up and I forced a laugh.

           “Sure…I…” The snake rose and turned its head toward me, eyes glowing. The sky grew darker. My light dissipated. “…Loki?”

           “Don’t move, I’ll get it. It’s all right.”

           “Loki, you can…stop this now. Ha. Ha.” Petrified, I reclined and the snake coiled back to strike before Loki jerked it from me in one swipe and whacked its head with his staff. Green eyes lifted and a hand waved.

           “It’s safe, come down now!” He focused on me, beckoning before the snake rose in anger and charged its fangs into his leg.

           “Loki!” I dove down, stepping on the creature before it could try to wrap around Loki’s body. I yanked a knife from my boot and slashed its head, stabbing it into the ground with a cry. 

           Loki struggled and jerked back a few feet before a pile of leaves collapsed under him. Falling into an ancient pit trap, silence followed until my scream of shock echoed out. I tossed myself to the edge, eyes straining to see him below.

           He wasn’t moving and the hole had to be over fifteen feet deep. Luckily, he missed most of the spikes. One jabbed his shoulder and another poked his thigh. Stones caught his impact with an ugly crack.

           “Loki!” I’d be stuck with him if I tried to get in while mud flooded the area around his body. “Wake up!” I jumped to my feet and wouldn’t leave him so I called out. “Heimdall!” Loki hit his head and he wasn’t waking. He needed me. “We need help!” 

            Come on. Save him. I let out a cry of anguish and desperation, tossing my hand up to throw lavender light into the sky. It soared and exploded like a firework, flooding my expression. Wide eyes as crackles burst there before me. Rippling out. Raining.

           Gasping, I hesitated but let myself slide down the edge after to get to Loki. Landing carefully. 

           “I’m here, Loki…come on.”

           Loki moaned a little in response, lashes fluttering. I lifted him to cradle the back of his head, bleeding from a rock he’d hit. My palms cupped the wound to bring him to me. Another moan with nothing further.

           I held him up and leaned forward before I ripped at his pant leg to see the swelling bite. Cursing, I propped his leg up and cradled his head again, muttering a healing spell like a prayer to stop some of the blood. I pressed his hands up to his heart and ran my fingers across his hair when I heard a call.

           “Here!” I responded and I felt relief when I saw Hogun’s face above me.

           “Thor!” He turned. “Down there.”

           “A snake tried to attack us and it bit Loki, he’s hurt and he hit his head down here after a long fall. He needs the healing room now.” I called, trying to be as level as possible and channel my inner healer. “I got the bleeding to slow but he hit hard and he’s bleeding from his ears.”

           “I’m here!” Thor charged down, hammer in hand before he knelt. “Clear out! Get word to our parents and the healing room!” He barked orders and tried to pick Loki up.

           “Thor,” I warned, cradling Loki’s head. “Try not to jostle him.”

           “Hold him for me, I’ll fly you both to the palace.” Thor already slipped a hand around my waist while I pressed Loki to me and cupped the back of his head, still praying in healing spells. Thor lifted up with Mjolnir and curved across the palace grounds.

           My heart leapt with it. Air whirled. Thor flying us into his castle and landing so healers could help me bring Loki in.

           “I’ve summoned the Queen,” Moira helped me ease Loki into a bed and pulled his boot off while I cut the rest of his pants away.

           “Make him wake up,” Thor took my shoulder and shook me so I pushed around him to help Moira gather a healing stone from a fire.

           “Thor, stay back,” Frigga passed her elder son and flocked to Loki’s side while Moira worked the healing stone into his leg after magic and ointment pulled poison out. “A stone won’t do for his head wound yet,” she coaxed Loki onto his side to see it, holding his skull while I helped her. I watched her heal it some with her own magic and Loki opened his eyes, utterly confused before he jolted and pushed at me.

           “What happened? The snake!” He darted his eyes around, sweating and I hushed him before he vomited clear liquid onto the pillow. I grabbed a towel to wipe his face off, helping him finish.

           “He’s disoriented, it’s normal,” Frigga assured me, smoothing Loki’s hair while she rubbed a waxy ointment into his head that smelled like lemon.

           “Loki, stay awake,” Thor was hovering over me like a mad bull.

           “Thor, either make yourself of use or stand back. You’re not helping Loki in your panic,” Frigga pointed and Thor inched away from me. “Finish undressing him so we can make him comfortable.” 

           I cut into fabric until Loki’s chest was bare while Frigga shifted to another table to prep something else. Loki covered his eyes to avoid the light from the room and heaved again. I slipped his bloody, vomit covered pillow away.

           “I’ve closed it well but I’m going to let it heal on its own overnight before I continue to ensure he’s clear. It’ll swell but that will go down. Let the spells and ointment work.” Frigga washed her hands well and smoothed a liquid over Loki’s cut and growing bruise now.

           “Ngh…mmmmfff,” Loki was moaning, one of his hands curled around my wrist. “Did I save you? Did we win?”

           “Yes,” I leaned down, pressing my other hand over Loki’s while he clung to me, curling up as Frigga worked and wrapped his head. “We did.”

           “Good, you’re my only student,” Loki closed his eyes and I touched his forehead. “Can’t lose you. Be mortifying.” I scoffed a little with force and Moira beamed at me.

           “His leg will be fine, my Queen. Should clear up tomorrow. The venom didn't go far, we've cleaned it out.” She offered and Frigga nodded, wrapping a bandage around Loki’s head. I gave him a tonic that was handed to me. It seemed to mellow him out. Maybe a little too much.

           “What…is this?” Loki tugged at the wraps but I pulled his hands away.

           “He’s going to be confused for the night. Dim the lamps.” Frigga began rubbing Loki’s back. “Thor was bitten once by a snake. He wasn’t as lucky as Loki was to have help so quickly and grew sick for the month.”

           “I barely remember that.” Thor clenched his fists and brought Loki a blanket.

           “You were still a child. Tried to wrestle with it because you thought it was Loki in an illusion.” Frigga covered Loki as he still held my wrist. “Thank you for summoning help as you did. That was a powerful use of that spell. They must have seen it for miles.”

           “I don’t know what came over me. It just happened.” I shrugged. "Budding sorcerer's instinct."

           “I believe you know,” she kissed Loki’s head. “Keep him comfortable. Loki will be perfectly fine. He’ll be in some pain tomorrow and he might still be disoriented but that will fade once I work on him again. I need to locate Odin and tell him.” She crossed to go quickly and Thor took her place.

           “I’ve this for the lingering pain,” Eir came in and handed me another potion so I tried to coax Loki to drink it.

           “Where are my clothes?” Loki blinked down at his undergarments and curled into a ball with the blanket.

           “You don’t remember whipping it out and dancing on tables at dinner?” Thor leaned over Loki and I smacked his arm.

           “What!” The young prince tried to sit up.

           “He’s kidding, Loki, lie down and drink this,” I giggled aloud and tried to quiet it. Heart stilling.

           “What is this?” He curled a finger into his bandage again and Thor took his wrist. Healers behind me snickered a bit and resumed their duties.

           “Leave it alone, sweetheart.” I pressed my lips and got him to drink before he groaned.

           “I hit my head,” he whined aloud like an infant, tugging at my wrist still.

           “Yes, you did. You saved me from a giant snake but ended up forgetting yourself,” I kissed his head and Thor leaned to prop his elbow up on the mattress, setting his head on his palm. “Don’t do it again.”

           “You can’t tell your prince what to do,” Loki hissed at me and turned over, causing me to snort. Thor covered his mouth when Loki about huddled into him and realized who it was. Green eyes shot open before Thor puckered his lips to make kissing sounds and Loki squirmed, jerking to get away from his brother.

           “Why are you in my bed?”

           “You’re in the healing room.” Thor was laughing. “You fought a snake and fell into a pit.”

           “Uhh,” Loki buried his face into the clean pillow and groaned louder, mortified.

           “You also saved your friend in the process it looks. I’ll fetch water.” Thor touched Loki’s shoulder and got up to go into the next room.

           “I’m a dreadful teacher.” Loki peered up and I shook my head.

           “You’re a fine teacher and it’s our first month of lessons,” I recalled his words. “Struggle is part of it.”

           “I fell into a pit.”

           “You did.” I pressed my lips. “I’m sorry.”

           “Not your fault I fell into a pit.”

           “The snake, I really thought it was you messing with me and I just froze. I should have acted faster so you didn’t get hurt.”

           “Serves me right, I suppose. It happened quick, it's not on you either.” Loki relaxed. “You cast the spell of light to signal the others… That’s what mother meant. Thank you.” My eyebrows lifted. “You’re going to make a fine witch.”

           “You’re not a bad instructor. Not at all.” I beamed, smoothing my hands over his. Loki seemed to come back to himself some, black hair a mess.

           “I could benefit from some patience, instead of telling you to just feel. I told you once that it’s difficult to portray the emotion of magic. The science comes naturally.” Loki sighed, tired green eyes swept over my face. “If I push, it is because I know you can do this. I don’t wish to frighten you off.”

           “You won’t. I'm not scared of this.” I shuffled my stance. “May I sit with you tonight?” Loki quirked his lip up and nodded.

           “I would enjoy that very much.” The door opened and Thor came in with Odin behind him.

           “Thor tells me you were bested by a pit in righteous battle,” Odin was light but affectionate when he touched Loki’s head. I bowed low and he nodded for me to rise as Loki hid his face.

           “Thor had better learn to keep his mouth sealed before I do it for him.” Loki tried to sit up but Odin stopped him.

           “Now, now, your mother will have my head if you don’t rest, Loki,” Odin pressed him. “Concentrate on your health, this could have been a lot worse, my son.”

           “My star pupil saved me,” Loki peered at me and I smiled.

           “Thor mentioned this as well, you have my thanks for protecting my son. I was told you remained calm through the fear to explain what happened and signaled for help quickly. Both qualities served to save Loki before more harm could befall him.” Odin seated himself by Loki and bowed his head, surprising me.

           “Father, I believe it would be just to send formal word to her parents of her brave deed for our house.” Loki mentioned with a light smirk and Odin matched it.

           “Yes, Loki, an excellent suggestion. This woman has honored herself and I owe her a debt.” Odin looked at Thor, who grinned.

           “I’ll send the royal courier personally with a drafted letter from you.” He turned to hurry off and Loki winked at me.

           “I’m just glad Loki’s safe now,” I shrugged, shifting my hand under Loki’s on his stomach. “He means a lot to me, your majesty.”

           “It pleases me to see him in your company,” Odin touched Loki’s face and kissed his temple. “Rest or your mother will make life very difficult for you.”

           “I suppose, father.” With that, Odin stood to go and Loki grinned tiredly at me.

           “You didn’t have to say that.” I spoke when the King had gone.

           “Imagine their faces.” Loki mused.

           “You know this means everyone is going to know you fell into a pit.” I smiled at him and he shrugged.

           “I’d allow my image to suffer for you. Think I won’t?”

           “Sentimental prince.” I leaned down to press my head to his chest, embracing him with some care. Loki smoothed his hand into my hair and sighed out when I came up. “Get well first and then we’ll hold another lesson. Starting to feel this in my bones and I need more spells.” I looked up as Thor poked his head around the corner and came in, offering a cup of water to Loki.

           “We should have kept the snake and roasted it in your honor, brother,” Thor joked as Loki took the offered mug. “A celebration of Loki’s rise from the depths of despair.”

           “I despise you so, Thor.” Loki held his amusement and drank.

           “He loves me,” Thor grinned with puppy eyes at me until I snickered.

           “That he does.” I got up. “I think I should change into something less muddy, let the brothers speak.” I pressed my lips. “Can I get you anything, Loki?”

           “I can think of a million things but I’d rather you hurry back to entertain me before I collapse into sleep.” Loki slipped lower in bed and I saluted with two fingers.

           “Of course, my prince, I do love to entertain. Keep you from being down in the dumps.” I rounded the bed. “Or should I say, pits?”

           “I’ve never known betrayal until this day,” Loki touched his chest and I smacked my hand against Thor’s when he smiled wide at me.

           “I adore this woman. Can we keep her, Loki?” Thor scooped me into a hug and I laughed aloud when he pressed to the bed.

           “Don’t squish Loki’s good leg,” I warned, amused by my friends. I squirmed up from Thor and kissed Loki’s cheek. “Sleep if you must, I’ll be around.”

           “I can stay awake,” Loki countered, yawning for good measure and Thor rolled his eyes before bringing the blankets up to his brother’s neck.

           “Take your time, I’ll watch him.”

           “Thank you, Thor,” I touched his shoulder and turned to go. “Goodnight, Loki.”

           “I’m…proud of you,” Loki’s eyes were closed at the fond utter of my name. His voice slurred drowsily but I caught it still and hid my smile as I went. Time ticked on for us. Me too.

           My father’s letter burned above a flickering candle that night.

Chapter Text

          “Tell us all about it, sweetling.” Court ladies fawned over me. Draped along huge pillows, we watched the sun go down. Every single time I agreed to let them pretty me up, I knew it’d be a pre-dinner session of gossip and lamenting of woes. They were smarter and better company than the Elders.

           “Me?”

           “It’s your turn to share.” Vada pushed up on her knees behind me. A massive fountain behind us soared crystal clear. Sleek marble and gold caught the falling sun. Slow in its descent. Two ladies bathed and played in the water, dresses soaked through. Floating like sirens. 

           Hands moved to arrange my curls, body shifting before a brush lifted to my eye. Women lounged around the same as sleepy, regal cats. Aware of eyes on their bodies even in slumber. 

           “He pushed the lesson off again. Third time this week.” I shrugged. “I’ll give it time, he’ll speak to me again. Soon, I hope. I don’t know what happened.”

           “The young prince toils about something in those meetings. We all do when the Elders speak.” Vada snickered to herself and my lip twitched. “You need to be bold. Approach him directly. Stand your ground.” She painted my eyes. Said she just liked to have more ladies around to doll up.

           “It was going amazing, too. I’m catching onto things as the months fly by, absorbing more. My flow of magic is building. I just...I could burst with it.” My fists curled, I could have bounced in place. “Spells come, they go. I devour them all. He sees how driven and excited I am. Loki responds to that. It all feels so connected. As my magic grows, I can sense it in the world around us. I feel his.”

           “I’ll bet...” a blonde came up from the fountain, Tove. Cheeks all wet and glowing. Pastel pink dress totally sheer. “...it feels big and hard.” Arms crossed over the fountain’s edge while she cackled to herself and splashed Vada’s dress. “You should come swim with us. Relax for once. You warriors play so tough, might be nice to sink down and dream.”

           “Don’t swim with them, they’ll only try to drown you.” Vada made a hiss, hand waving to brush her friends off. A finger fixed the red painted along my lips so it could dry matte. I snickered and let her position me to fix my curls. “Maybe he feels your magic and it...overwhelms him.” She leaned to my ear while braiding pieces. “Between you and I...Prince Loki attended a private session with the King and his advisers. Council, too. We saw him leaving it looking none too pleased. Usually, we’re able to coax him over for a few words and he stalked off.”

           “Damn, I haven’t heard anything of that. Healing room keeps me busy when I’m not training.” I frowned at the cushion I was cradling in my arms. Fingers playing with the silk tassels. Positive touch that stimulated me. 

           “The prince values you. He keeps you close. I realize his mood change is daunting. Just be firm. No matter the mood, he is still your companion and you are his.” Vada purred as she spoke, moving curls over my shoulder before touching her chin there. “Go to dinner with your head up. Don’t bother with him if he’s in a mood. Let him steam, he’ll seek you out for comfort. When he does, be open. That magic might weave together.”

           Vada drew her fingers up my sleeve and sighed out to finish with my hair. My lips tugged. So easily too.

           “I’m just...feeling pride in myself for the first time. Unhindered.” I had confessed. “I want to keep it.”

** ** ** 

           “…I held fast, steadying my next blow. Moving swiftly to circle them and avoid the next thrust. We locked eyes and my arm swung quicker than light. I thrust and parried! And finally, with a final swipe of my sword, their pants fell straight around their ankles!” Laughter rounded the table. Drinks passed around. Fandral ate up the attention from his story. Unable to help myself, I turned to Thor next to me just as he’d taken a large bite of meat from a juicy leg.

         “Is Fandral talking about a recent spar or his latest in intimate conquests?” I whispered and Thor near choked when laughter bubbled in his throat. Wind blew in the open arches. Music plucked and warriors gathered at many connecting tables about the room. Merriment abounds. 

         “I’m afraid that I can never tell anymore,” He muttered after a long swig of mead from his goblet, causing me to giggle softer next to him.

         “Oh, please,” Sif rolled her eyes from Fandral’s side.

         “Sif, allow me this moment,” Fandral practically whined. “One day, even you will swoon at my heroics.”

         “I’d much rather be the one to knock you on your back tomorrow on the training grounds,” Sif shrugged, a smile on her face. More jeers at that.

         “I’m flexible. Have at me, my friend,” Fandral accepted with a smug grin and Volstagg turned to me from my other side.

         “My gold is on Sif.” We both laughed and I nodded when Fandral’s expression went flat. “Sif did a number on four warriors today,” Volstagg went on as the conversations around us continued. “Though, apparently, I imagine all of them combined could not have had a worse time than Loki over there. He’s been in a mood for a while now, hasn’t he?” 

         I shifted in my seat, unable to help my gaze flickering to the prince farther down the table. Practically a mile away. Loki’s face, stoic and unreadable. He prodded at his food with a fork, not eating much of it. Bored. Usually boredom for Loki meant tricks. 

         “Come to think of it, he has not poked fun at anyone all dinner,” Thor added. “He really must not be well.” Both men shrugged and went back to their food but I couldn’t help asking.

         “Did something happen? We…haven’t spoken today.”

         “I am not aware yet, but he has been distracted by something for a while. My money's on an issue with the Elders.” Thor replied. “The last time I asked, he bit my head off with a few choice words so I gave him some time to think it over.”

         “Good riddance. At least it kept him quiet,” Herlof appeared from nothing behind us with a pint in hand, palm on Volstagg’s shoulder only to get shaken off. I craned my neck to see him, agitated.

         “Yes,” I forced a laugh and got more defensive than I usually am, “perhaps you should practice that too, huh?” Thor nonchalantly snatched the full drink from Herlof’s hand.

         “I was just about to get another drink, appreciate it.” He gulped without ceremony. “Did you have more words about my brother?”

         “...No, my prince.” Herlof shuffled along with his tail between his legs. I clicked my cup to Thor’s, winking. Both he and Volstagg snickered on either side of me. 

         “What?”

         “Always so quick to defend the young prince, are we?” Volstagg teased and I could only scoff. “You’ve been growing into your own here, little spitfire.”

         “Well, I don’t appreciate when someone intrudes on the conversation. Loki is teaching me now, so it's really my obligation as his student to come to his defense.” I took a long drink of water and Thor nudged my side as I put my cup down.

         “You sure that’s all, little one?” He cocked his chin to pout, one finger came to bop my nose. “So busy these days, training without me.”

         “Your brother infuriates me to no end, more so than you. Which I’m sure you find shocking.” 

         Thor grinned wider, nothing but pride. 

         “He’s far too pleased with himself when he causes trouble and just when I think I can read him, it snaps aside. It’s insufferable. One minute, he’s all talkative and the next, he’s completely ignoring you and you’ve no idea why.” I paused to wince when both men laughed openly at me as I processed my words again. “Wait, what was the question? No, no never mind, ugh, you’re being impossible today, I’m done.” Hiding my own smile, I pushed at Thor’s muscled arm and he shrugged, still chuckling as desserts were passed. “And I’ll take that.” I snatched a little plate with a peach pastry from Thor’s grip. He chuckled, accepting it.

         Minding my own business now, I settled my chin on my hand and dug into the sweet. Sound meshed together. Hair on the back of my neck rose and I felt a chill run the length of my spine. Paranoia kicked in with it, trickling down. I’d barely glanced up only to quickly avert my gaze when I realized it. 

         Insufferable. 

         Loki. Openly staring straight at me from down the table. How long has he been like that? I shifted in my seat after a moment, flickering my gaze up and down once more to see him still staring directly at me. Green eyes practically ripped into flesh and nothing I did would let the feeling up. 

         Did he hear me?

         Deep breath. Exhale. Forcefully, I ignored him, trying to focus on the conversations around me but I knew for a fact that he was aware of how distracting he was being. The prince lived for it. Damn him, I could have groaned aloud as I imagined the perfectly satisfied smirk he was probably giving me. 

         Daring to glance once more, he wasn’t smirking; just gazing at me, figuring me out in his usual way. What had changed so in the air around us both? I still wasn’t able to fully read his expression tonight. Pieces between us hovered and never fit together. But, I saw them and so did he. Unsure of what was worse, I couldn’t help gulping as the meal came to a close. Stories and music slowing. Dwindling off into the dark night.

         Yet, Loki was still staring at me.

         Everyone started to get up from the table.

         And Loki was still staring at me.

         Idle conversations followed as Asgardians moved about the open space.

         Damn it, Loki was still staring at me.

         Bidding goodbye to Thor and the others, I shuffled toward the door.

         Gods, Loki was still staring at me.

         I kept ignoring him, smirking a bit and holding my head up forcefully.

         But, Loki was still staring at me.

         I didn’t look back at him when I slipped out of the room and walked alone down an empty hallway. Torches flickered by me as I heard double doors open and close again quietly.

         Biting the inside of my cheek, I instead went down another hall, into the open space on palace grounds. The sun had set fully. Stars pooling before me in the fresh air. Endless. Crickets and frogs singing their songs. 

         I couldn’t quite hear his swift steps but I persisted when I felt his eyes still trying to blaze through me. We both walked in decorated shadows. Picking up my pace along the grass under the starry sky, I didn’t see anyone else around. My legs went even faster as my heart picked up and suddenly I was running. Sprinting across the quiet grounds, my lungs heaved to take in more air, the dress I’d worn to dinner billowed behind me.

         Thoughts lingered to wonder if he was running or walking steadily. Unworried. Passing the training fields, I raced into the area where the competitions were put on. Zipping past some columns, I hid behind one with my back against it firmly. Caught up in Loki and his games.

         Inhale. Exhale. Daring once more to look back, Loki wasn’t in sight and I let out a sigh of relief. Got him. Breathing steadier, I allowed my heart to slow back down before I turned back only to yelp loudly when Loki’s face was direct in front of mine.

       “Evening.” He tilted his head. Cool and collected. With no grace, I fell backward, barely catching myself when I hit the ground. My oh so graceful display caused him to beam just a little before his expression went back to its unreadable state. Those damn green eyes staring holes into me. Waving one hand, a few torches lit up, the light playing off his sharp features while they flickered.

       “The first time you approach me in days since our last lesson and you chase me out of the palace?” I remarked, looking up at him from the floor. Taller frame hovering over me.

       “Chase, my little apprentice? You ran across the grounds, similar to that of a lunatic and I pursued. Clearly, it was the kind act of a concerned prince.” Loki clasped his hands behind his back, shrugging and I suppressed the urge to kick him.

       “Talking to me and you’re concerned. Wow, quite the turn around. For I moment, I thought you were avoiding me and putting off our lessons. I’m perfectly fine, now you can leave if you don’t have anything more to say.”

       “Well, I am wondering why exactly you have opted to stay on the floor,” he went on so I huffed, standing in an instant before I brushed off my clothing hastily. Shooting him a flatter look, I sidestepped and moved to go, rounding a pillar.

       “If that’s all, I’m going back in now. This was fun.”

       “Tell me this, why is it you’ve led us out here?” Another Loki appeared in front of me and I gasped aloud again before my fear quickly faded to irritation. “I imagine you were not just enjoying a run under the moonlight.” I turned to see the clone behind me disappearing before I pushed against the real Loki’s chest, partially to make sure it was actually him.

       “Stop that, Loki!”

       “My, my, so jumpy tonight, are we?” He appeared completely unperturbed and I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest.

       “Can’t imagine why,” sarcasm laced my voice as I paused to face him.

       “How about you answer my question and I shall answer one of yours? Quid pro quo, that’s a fun mortal saying I learned."

        "How do you know mortal sayings-?"

       "Now, now, don't waste your first question." Loki smiled there. Knowledge for the sake of it. "Give. Get. That is fair, yes? Even exchange.”

       “Always so transactional,” I studied his face, the side of my lip quirked at his play. “Fine. To answer: I just needed to see if you were really following me, suppose I got a bit ahead of myself.”

       “And-”

       “Ah, no. My turn now. Why were you staring at me during dinner?” I watched him beam again, shrugging before he drew closer.

       “Perhaps this is all part of my master plan to get you alone.”

       “You’re too into theatrics. You could have just asked me to speak like a normal being would. Might have been a nice surprise with the mood you delved into.” I raised an eyebrow and he grinned still with all the grace of a rattlesnake. Fangs dripping. Rattle hissing in wait. 

       “Now, what fun would that have been, sweetheart? For such a brave warrior, you were quite frantic. My question: just why was that?”

       “Ha, I was definitely not frantic! A little jilted by you suddenly pursuing me out of nowhere but not at all frantic… And…And don’t call me sweetheart in that little tone, you know I loathe it. Years later.” I pushed past him to leave but he spoke once more, gentler.

      “If I am not mistaken, it is your turn.” Loki met my eyes when I faced him. Both of us just a few footsteps apart and I debated just leaving but couldn’t find the will to yet. He wanted something and I could tell, but couldn’t figure as to what. Wind blew my skirts and hair about. A beat.

       “Why would you find it necessary to get me alone at all, Loki? Why this exact moment?” I went on and the prince paused for a moment.

       “Allow me to answer that one when I have the proper reply,” was all he stated and I scoffed.

       “You’re cheating now,” I took another step toward him. "Give. Get."

       “Are you honestly surprised?” His gaze narrowed so I shook my head. 

       “Not really. But, the Loki I know believes he has all the answers. You study these nine realms as a hobby, but have no answers for this precise moment.”

       “Oh, I do. I will in time. I rather enjoy gathering the facts first. Now, ask another question.”

       I didn’t ask what he meant, instead I wondered something else.

       “What happened that supposedly ruined your mood? I was excited for our lesson. I came to you with ideas and you sorta shot me down. Things changed when they started. I don’t understand how I can feel so comfortable and now...terrified around you since our lessons began. I haven't felt... Sometimes it feels like I'm doing everything wrong with you.” I tilted my head and he was quiet. That unyielding gaze finally shifted downward.

         Stars twinkled beyond the arches. Patient. I stayed in place, quietly waiting for an answer. Loki was fiddling with his hands out of his usual habit before he exhaled a little, eyes flickering back to mine. His head shook.

         “You didn’t do anything wrong. Making you feel as such is something I regret.” 

         “You’re terrified too though,” I swallowed, “you’re scared of showing emotions around me so you remove yourself. I do it too. We’re both guilty. I wish you were more open, but it’s not my intention to force it from you. I just...I can't handle beating myself up over possibilities.” 

        “I sparred with another warrior a few days ago in front of father and the Elders alone.” His voice went monotone, words blurting. “I was distracted. I lost. That is all. My change in mood was due to that, I wanted to wait on lessons until I...figured things. Snapping at you was wrong.”

       “Distracted during practice? That’s unlike you… What-?”

       “It is my turn first,” Loki leered at me a moment and took a purposeful step closer. “So according to you: I am far too pleased with myself and hard to read. Both fair.” My face heated so I looked anywhere but at him. “Oh, did I miss something?”

       “…I also…called you infuriating,” I piped up quieter. Loki appeared thrilled at that before continuing.

       “Ah, yes. While you’ve such an increasingly high opinion of me…why is it you were oh so bothered by my not speaking to you?”

       “Hm, I just don’t know,” I grew sarcastic again. “Maybe you should have someone you’re very close to that you’ve come to admire suddenly ignore you completely, treat you differently, and not know why. We’ve played this game before. You agreed to teach me magic after all of these years and suddenly you’re putting it off again. We’ve known each other since we were children and you’re brushing me aside? I'll give you time if you need it but communicate with me. I’m sure it all would bother you as well.” Loki’s face twitched and I knew I’d hit a cord but he was quick to cover it up with a grin.

        “Admire?” He slunk closer so I stepped back, realizing I was now against the wall. Loki set his hands near either side of my head and appeared pleased. “Now, is that why I make you so nervous these days?”

       “Oh, please.” Swift, I ducked under his arm. “You’re toying with me and I’m not thinking correctly and, gods, you drive me insane, you know that? I feel drunk around you and completely sober all at once.” My exasperation got the better of me and I caved in. “You put up this…this damn front and when you get anywhere close to letting it drop around me, you take three steps back. We can’t do this. It’s not healthy all the time. I’m not sure if you’re scared or if you don’t trust me fully or if I’m going crazy. Or all three.”

       “And just what are you doing right now?” He countered and I tossed my hands up in the air.

       “Forget it! Now I just feel like a big hypocrite, you’re maddening, and I’m leaving… Goodbye, Loki.” There was a moment of silence as I reached the exit but he spoke suddenly, catching me off-guard.

       “Father had to leave within mere minutes into my match.” His words made me stop; furrowing my brow, I glanced back at him. “A guard entered and told him that Thor and his friends caused a physical dispute in a tavern outside the palace grounds. Without even a second glance or word, he left to go handle it, leaving my match at the mercy of the Elders and court.” 

       I remembered this, Odin was furious that day and Loki was nowhere to be seen but I didn’t know why. Unable to make the connection. Thor and his oblivious actions with consequences for his brother.

       “I was too busy watching him go, I barely felt the blade against my neck. I’d lost. The Elders all shook their damn heads after that and advised me to pick up a mace as apparently magic is inferior. The skills often lacking in battle because they take away the heat and strength of it all… Battle or tricks, they said.” He chuckled dryly, his eyes averting when he forced a tight smile that was all teeth. A smile that I knew well and dreaded. 

       “I didn’t know you were in court with them about that. I’d been in the healing room when it happened.”

       “Magic is such a natural part of our lives here, yet when I use it, it is never good enough and I cannot figure as to why. I hated the entire situation and felt like a damn petulant child about it before father made it clear I was acting like one when I spoke to him later, in his own usual way. Am I inferior for being a sorcerer in battle or am I simply inferior because I am Loki and not Thor?” Loki’s voice grew harsh as he seethed.

       “I tried speaking with you, why didn’t you just tell me this? I could've...” I couldn’t have done anything. My shoulders dropped down. I could’ve been there for him at the least.

       “You,” he about growled, cornering me. “You approached me later with those cursed eyes and that somehow oblivious smile, trotting over like a curious little feline only to look at me with not a single trace of what they graced me with and I about wanted to shake you until you understood. Until you realized who I was. Until you realized the effect you have on others. On me. Until you realized that not one shred of your grace can fix what I am. You want magic knowing how they'll view you down the line. I don’t know how to be around you and that...consumes me.” Loki said my name then in this airy sort of crack.

       My eyes went a little wide at him in realization. I blinked and all the time that passed through our long friendship felt so small. 

       “I cannot allow myself to-”

       “You can’t just be upset at me because I can’t simply read your thoughts. I can see you just fine. And I’m not oblivious, perhaps you should give me more credit as your friend and stop holding me to a standard, thinking I’ll just end up hurting or disappointing you too. I’d never think of you as inferior. Maddening yes, but never inferior. Get used to that.”

         “They-” 

         “Neither does Thor, or Odin, or Frigga. The people that matter most don’t believe that, Loki. I know our society’s perception is twisted. I grew up in the weeds. I deal with comments about how I'm stumbling after my friends. I want magic because I feel it in my bones clearer than anything. To hell with how I'm looked at for it, I'm already strange."

          "You're-"

         "I'm still talking, my prince. How could you ever think that I want to fix you? I can't even fix myself, you...ass. You insult me. Perhaps I’m perfectly fine with the way you are now and the growth you have yet to make. Maybe you should just accept that I…" I trailed off as my widening eyes met his. “No, I’m not doing this right now.” As I moved once more, his hand latched around my wrist so gently. I caught my breath when I was pressed against his chest and our eyes met.

        “Please, say it,” Loki implored me, teeth baring and I searched his face for a moment as he kept his grip on me. 

         Loki always hated it when I held things in. But, today he felt desperate.

        “You…You’re my friend and I care about you. I always will. I'm fine with saying it a hundred times.” My voice dropped to a whisper and Loki twitched again, pointing his finger at me.

        “You should not.” He released me, pacing now. Almost mad. And I couldn’t find the will to move. “No, no, you have made me raise questions that I have never considered and I want it to stop! All of these years, I-”

        “Well, whose issue is that?” I cut over him before I calmed a little, exhaling. “Loki, I don’t know what you want from me. I’m trying to understand but… Look, what happened a few days ago… I am so sorry. But you have to know that there are plenty of people here who still appreciate you. The Elders don't know what the...what the absolute fuck they're talking about half the time and Asgard sees that."

         He seemed amused at that. 

         "Prince Loki Odinson would never let some old sacks dictate who or what he is. That’s why you’re so cherished. The way you see the world is unmatched. But, just let people see you. Care about you. Let me in. Accept it. I don’t know why you want to push us away, because you deserve people around you who give a damn.” Feet steady, I pointed at the ground. Assured. “We can’t keep this up between us. You know that. The cycles. It has to change.”

         “It does and I wasn’t ready to face that.” Loki pushed out, eyes alight. “I can’t handle seeing you while I’m so lost.”

         “If that’s honestly what you really want after years of friendship… After every single thing we’ve been through…I’ll go. I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you need to face the day easier.” 

         Sniffling, I watched his brow furrow as I took a step backward, my body losing the will to really leave. My heart screamed the truth until it radiated within my chest. Carefully, I shook my head again but his next words pulled me back in.

         “If that was what I truly coveted,” his voice grew hushed, “neither of us would be here right now.”

         “No,” I agreed with some added fire, “we both know, Loki. We always have. And we can’t wait it out. If you want the truth, come and get it.” 

         Loki was searching my face with those vibrant green eyes again, his emotions fading to something else I’d never seen him display in public; all pretenses down. He took one step toward me and paused before he closed the distance quickly, taking me around the waist and pulling me toward his body as my breath caught sharper. 

         I froze when his arms wrapped around my back, lifting me to my toes just a bit before he let his chin rest on my shoulder. My arms hovered, not embracing him. Shock set in but Loki just stayed there and held me to him tighter, palms flat against my backside. I could feel his quickening pulse and shaken breaths on my neck, smell the scent of his black hair and pale skin.

         Magic bound together.

         My body unraveled and I was sliding my hands around his neck before Loki let out a ragged breath that sounded like one of relief. Allowing himself to seek comfort in me, I gave him just as much and took what he offered in return. Loki buried his face into my neck and I could feel his eyelashes flutter against my skin when he closed his eyes. One of my hands sunk into his hair and cradled the back of his head. His fingers bunched up the fabric of my clothing within a fist tight. 

         Holding me like I was important to him. Like I kept him from fading away. We stayed there, simply breathing and holding each other and, oh gods, I was sure that our pulses were beating in sync now while I nudged my head into his. Fear melted to nothing. No words needed. 

         Loki released me and our arms fell slowly to our sides when we stood there, watching the other closer with now tender expressions. My next exhale came out shaken as the emotions I’d held back for so long came fully to the surface and for once, I felt completely comfortable with them. 

         Never having felt so connected to another, I couldn’t speak yet; watching the raw and unguarded emotions play in his eyes. He considered something. Loki’s hand came up to touch my hair gently, sliding his fingers through my dark locks to watch them fall back against my shoulder. Tumbling like a sparkling waterfall or endless red. Somehow it felt like one of the most simple and intimate things I’d ever seen him do. 

         “Ask me that question once more,” came his request and my lips parted.

         “Why…would you find it necessary to get me alone?” I offered up, we both idly shifted closer. His fingertips grazed my face, thumb tracing a line down my cheek as I licked my lips barely.

        “Allow me to show you,” he’d murmured and I let out an amused breath.

        “What’s this? Desire? I thought we were upset at each other. Suddenly I…I’m supposed to just fall into your arms because you desire me now when I’ve always wanted-”

        “I desire you often.” That blunt honesty caused my entire world to shift. Stars connecting, planets aligned. My face heated. Two people who could be so perceptive and blind all at once. Shattering the realms to see all. 

         Something in me swelled with amusement that never reached my lips. Loki’s broad hand was sliding past my jaw and into my hair, long fingers held the back of my head. Gradually, I was inching up onto my toes to reach him, hands grasping at the fabric of his clothing. 

         He didn’t move in, just observed me trying to get closer to him until our faces were barely centimeters apart. My lips parted as my eyes flickered down to his mouth, the need evident. We breathed against each other before I spoke.

         “Show me,” I watched his lip quirk subtly at my firm request. Loki lingered close to me, teasing while he didn’t close the distance and my bottom lip trembled. 

         “Loki…” I breathed his name, whispered it like a prayer and those eyes changed. I’ve wanted this for so long and I knew he could feel every bit of it. The magic that bound together twisted higher to billow and vibrate.

         Appearing satisfied with my state, Loki’s free hand slid around my waist and I gasped out when he tugged me against him, our lips colliding. Eyes slid closed, head tilting to press firmly to him. To feel him. 

         Loki’s fingers tangled idly into my hair and he gave a soft sound against my lips that I knew I’d remember forever. My hands grasped tighter to his clothes and our lips barely parted only to brush once more. That smoking line to his soul was sweeter to taste. I figured I could have floated away if he wasn’t holding onto me, keeping me rooted to the very earth under my feet. 

         When I broke away after another long moment, he kept his hand on the back of my neck and made me stay in place as our foreheads touched. Eyes still closed, we steadied our breathing and drank each other in for a moment. Drunk. Sober. Whatever it was now. My heart lifted before I felt myself smile, pulling away a bit to gaze up at him.

         “That is why.” Came his answer and I was beaming. 

         Looking up at him now, I realized we could both simply walk out of here and never speak of this again. This would all just be a memory we shared. A perfect moment in time that came and went and perhaps I could live with that, but I also knew we deserved more. 

         We could be each other’s person. We could give it all, knowing the other now has the power to destroy but won’t. We could devour each other’s time and love and hate and beauty and ugliness and peace and viciousness and ego until the worlds each fluttered from the very branches of Yggdrasil itself. So the moment I watched the rare show of hope flicker in Loki’s bright green eyes while he pulled away, I let go of every fear and concentrated on just giving.

         “I love you,” was my confession then, fingers shaken as I held him. "I love you, Loki."

         A breathless chuckle left my mouth after I stated the words I’d locked away for far too many years.

         “I have for…for a long while. I’m not saying it just because I desire you right this moment. I’m not saying it because I only enjoy the attention you give me. Hel, I’m not even saying it to hear it back. I…I just wanted you to hear the full truth from me finally. I love you. And I needed you to know before we both walked out of here… Since you’re one for gathering facts, there you go.”

         Loki’s smile there could have blinded me as he chuckled, sweeping my hair behind my shoulder with an idle hand.

         “I will say it back either way,” he paused, making sure our gazes locked. “Know that I am in love with you as well. I have been for eons and I was a coward to hide it.” 

         Taking his sculpted face in my hands, I pulled him down for another kiss that appeared to catch him off-guard before he gave a sound of amusement against my lips and took my waist. I wanted him to hold me. To gaze at me. To seek more comfort in me because I could give it. To let me know every bit of him. To kiss me. To love me in all the ways I did him. As I knew he would at last. Releasing each other, we both snickered softly at the fact that this was how the unexpected night had gone.

         “What you said earlier… The mortal expression. Quid pro quo.” I spoke again. “Leave what happened with the Elders behind you. They are small but you're not. Come back to the palace towers with me? …Maybe don’t chase me across the grounds this time.”

        “Now you are cheating. Asking so much of me,” he teased.

        “Learned from the best, I suppose,” I shrugged. “Your turn. What do you want?”

        “I…I want you.” When Loki trailed off, I tilted my head curiously. He just furrowed his brow. 

        “You want me to…?” Narrowing my gaze, I waited for him to finish the thought.

        “I just want you,” he realized simply and that blunt honesty I’ve come to revere was strong enough to make me lower my head, the glow across my cheeks spreading. Damn him. Damn us. “Come.” The prince gestured toward the exit. “I imagine the gatekeeper has seen enough for one night. We'll tell the others later.” I shuffled my feet almost bashfully. The second we left here together, it would all be on us and I could put trust into that.

        “All right.” I watched him hold a hand out and wait for me to close the distance, which I did; making sure to lace my fingers into his. Noticeably pleased, Loki led me outside under the bright, painted stars over Asgard.

        “Loki?”

        “Hm?”

        “Thank you.”

        “For what?” He didn’t pause as we walked along.

        “For allowing yourself to open up fully with me, it helped me return it.” I turned to look at him and he was instead silent for a moment as we walked through the grass and wind blew. “You should do it more. Those moments have been some of my favorite memories, you know.”

        “It was not all my doing,” he offered finally, “suppose it was yours as well.” Accepting his answer, I smiled a small, genuine smile and glanced down at our locked hands; comforted by the sight. “And I shall give if you shall as well, sweetheart,” he purred until I let out an amused breath.

        “I can do that. For you.” Playfully, I picked up the pace in a hurry and pulled at him. “Come, this way.”

       Weaving around arches and columns. We giggled like children and snuck back to the dorms. A place he was not supposed to be at night. We hid in corridors from passing attendants and warriors. Stole a few kisses. Loki followed me to my cozy chambers, breaths cast when I locked the door.

        Pressed against it, I let him kiss me. I let his hands roam my body. Not shying. Not yet. He moved my hair aside to kiss my neck, shifting my dress sleeve before my palms came to his chest. The darkness held us. Outlined close silhouettes. Loki touched our foreheads together. Breathless.

         “I’ve never…” I admitted, eyes aside. “I haven’t been intimate with anyone before.” Loki came out to see me. Barely there in the moonlight.

         “Never?” He repeated. Sound surprised if anything. My head shook. “I’ve never courted anyone publicly.” The words seemed to be an attempt to settle me. Amusement followed us both.

         “How will we…? I just mean, what should we do? What lies beyond this morning?”

         “Intimacy is set at your pace and I follow.” Loki offered, kissing me between words. Muttering to melt my nerves. Worshiping me. “As far as courting. I take you before father and we present our relationship.”

         “Would they not allow it?”

         “You’re a warrior under his protection and favor. I am second-born.” Loki cupped my face. “Do not worry about it. We’re here together right now. What happens tomorrow morning is still later on. We can have tonight.”

         “Can we…?” I took Loki’s wrists. “Can we lie down? Just to rest together.” Loki nodded so I slipped my shoes off. His clothing faded down to something simple while I washed my face. I only wanted to sleep in his arms.

         My bed was nestled in a nook in the wall. Shelves around it. I took Loki’s hand and pulled him in with me. We moved atop the covers. Me on my back and him on his side facing me. Felt surreal. I let Loki shift in to kiss me a few more times, hands still clasped as he leaned out. We savored the silence for a few pulsing beats. Magic never unbound.

         “I could certainly get used to sneaking up here.” His remark had me rubbing my eyes to giggle. I tilted to see him. 

         “Feels like a dream.” I admitted. “Scared if I close my eyes and sleep, you might be wished away in the morning.” My lashes fluttered as I sighed. Loki searched me, sliding closer. Darkness covered us in a protective barrier. Made it safe to rest and dream. 

         “I am not going anywhere.”

Chapter Text

            “Sweet lady, I’ve not seen you in here in a while.” The healing room bustled with buzzing workers while I rounded the table a shirtless Fandral was sitting on in the far corner.

         “Frigga said that they were shorthanded today, so I took off from training to come help. I’m almost on lunch soon actually,” I pressed a white cloth to the claw marks on his bare shoulder. “I take it the hunt wasn’t very good, I feel bad for missing this one…but, Loki and I agreed after what happened last I went. A break was better. Looks like we were right. History repeats. How, again, did you get this?” 

         I looked past him to see a few more warriors sporting similar wounds. Scuffed in dirt and blood. Even claws raked over flesh.

         “The warriors split into groups after we went deep enough into the forest. Thor antagonized a giant saber cat....that chased us, and we ended up finding a whole massive pack of them. The prince’s blood was hot, you know how he can be when he’s in his mood. Took down a few.” He hissed when I pressed too hard for a moment as I washed off the blood. Deftly plucking broken claws and hair out for a healing stone.

         “Sorry,” I muttered. “Was everyone else okay?”

         “Yes, until Thor and Loki got into a screaming match over the situation after that resulted in the dining table for lunch being overturned and Odin put them both in their rooms like petulant children.”

         “Doesn’t surprise me…I haven’t seen either yet,” I sighed, picking up a warm healing stone. “Chances are, they both already snuck out by now.” Fandral chuckled and I smiled.

         “You are very likely correct there.” He clenched his jaw shut when I crushed the stone into the wound, it healed slowly. Prickles of light welled up the cuts.

         “All right?”

         “Perfect,” came his strained response and I smirked a little when I finished up.

         “There…” I washed my hands off in the basin next to me before I glanced over the wound once more and noticed tiny scratches on his opposite shoulder.

         “What are these from?” I wondered aloud and he twisted to look before a smile crossed his face.

         “A joyous night and a job well done,” Fandral’s bragging followed by some laughter. My cheeks dusted upon the realization that they were fingernail marks.

         “Fandral!” I chided, pushing at him as I rounded the table to wash the excess blood off his front. “Hate you.”

         “You know me,” came his defense, “I cannot help the magnificent effect I have. The nights are so long.” I rolled my eyes at him as per my usual response.

         “Yes, well, you’re all done and free to pester someone else now,” I smiled again while he pulled his ruined shirt back on and pointed to himself.

         “I do love to pester my favorite lady. For what it’s worth, how is my face?”

         “Still flawless. Happy? Now shoo. Talk about your adventures with someone else,” I waved him off, chuckling a bit and he grinned.

         “Speaking of, you and Loki-”

         “No!” My blush, still crystal clear, crept higher and I wagged a finger at him. “I’m not discussing this with you, ever.”

         “Discussing what exactly?” Fandral’s lip curled up. Teeth edge into the swell of pink and he leaned toward me.

         “You know what.” I crossed my arms, voice shrinking. The people behind us busily worked. Moira was taking reports a few cots over of the incident. “I’m not talking about that with you.”

         “Why not state what that is?”

         “I can say it,” I persisted, poking his chest. Eyes scanned before panning back to his face. “Just…not to you here in a very public place.”

         “Oh, I have seen this,” he sat back, eyes wide before he leaned forward and whispered. “You two truly have not-” I pressed my hand over his mouth with a hiss.

         “Quiet,” I ordered when Fandral pulled my hand away, grinning wider before he kissed my knuckles. “By the nine, you don’t need to-”

         “There is not any shame in it, I simply figured you wished to and did by now. We haven’t gotten to speak about such things with you working here. All the details since you and your prince came to court. Three months of bliss-”

         “I do want to do it!” I blurted out before I mashed my lips shut and he looked amused.

         “May I ask what stops you?”

         “We’ve done a few things,” I defended quicker. “Kissing and…” I winced. “More kissing. Just not that. Loki’s not pushing it, even when things are heated.”

         “Things? That? You really cannot-”

         “I am really not talking about this with…” I paused, furrowing my brow. “Gods, I just realized you might be the only friend I can talk about this with right now. Sif doesn't care for Loki, Moira's busy, and the court ladies...well, I'm not ready for them to eat me alive just yet.” I groaned and Fandral sat up, eager.

         “Darling lady, when I am not swinging my sword and making the fair maidens swoon myself, I live for this. Observe.” Fandral winked at a healer as she passed. Instant rosy giggles erupted and she hurried away. He certainly had an effect.

         I huffed again, rubbing my temples at his cockiness. His absolute nerve that enthralled and made me love him all the more. Fandral was too dramatic for his own good half the time. He opened his mouth to speak when I pointed a quick finger at him.

        “Ah! No, I have rules about this. If you get too personal or embarrass me by acting like an animal, I walk away. We’ll have a civil conversation about...intercourse. You’re going to go get changed while I clean up and gather my things then you’re going to see me in the room with the large fire pit where we all usually meet, is that understood? You have five minutes to meet me there.”

         “You are simply enchanting when you get like this. Got my blood pumping.” A hand swept his gold locks.

         “Still hate you. Five minutes,” I said again, turning and marching off to help elsewhere.

** ** **

         Ten minutes of awkward silence passed before I cracked harder than the wood on the fire.

         “So, I think I’m going to be fine now actually. I should-”

         “You’ve not said anything,” Fandral appeared amused and latched onto my wrist. “Have a seat, relax.” 

         He sat back and propped his feet up as I leaned against the bench to watch the fire pit. Flames spat and crackled. Warm on my expression. 

         “Let’s start with something easy. Are you happy?”

         “Yes. The court terrifies me and I don’t even care at the moment. Maybe the rush will wear off, but being with Loki is just so easy. Our friendship hasn’t changed, it’s only grown.” I stared at the flames dancing and hovered a hand close. Fingers twitched and they swayed under my mere influence. “It’s almost like magic.”

         “That’s what’s most important.” He beamed, leaning forward on his knees. “Why are you frightened by this all? You absolutely are the happiest I’ve seen you in a while. Moving here was such a good thing and you’re in a relationship with the person you love. Finally. Better yet, I won the bet against the others about when you and Loki would finally stop acting like fools. That was coin well spent." I shot him a look of disbelief, but his tone changed. "You’re putting…certain things behind you.”

         “I don’t know what you’re-”

         “You forget that we come from the same village and I’ve known your guardians. More than anyone. I lingered back because you asked me to and I love you. It was hard to see you in such a state of… I had suspicions and I can’t forgive myself for not acting. It was worse than you let on, was it not?"

         "Doesn't matter," I refused him.

         "It does. It always will. I know you. We both know I do. I saw it before in others. Difficult homes.”

         “Yes?” My hands clasped. 

         “What I mean is, if I or anyone got involved…you would have paid the price. So I helped you when I could and when you allowed it. They were not good to you,” Fandral raised an eyebrow and I glanced down as he leaned forward, his voice dropping. “And I also know that you were not always good to yourself before residing within the-”

           “Well, you wouldn’t have known about that if you hadn’t just walked in on me when…” I trailed off, crossing my arms before I exhaled. “I’m sorry, I just don’t want anyone to know or see me like that ever again.”

          “Have you…?”

          “I’m trying to leave it behind me.” Was all I offered as I traced a line on my leg idly.

          “Loki doesn’t know, does he?” Fandral waited for me to nod before he went on. “You’ve explained it to me and I do not wish for you to fall into it once more. He’ll understand it.”

          “When you walked in, I was afraid you’d look at me like…like I was…” I couldn’t finish the thought and he touched my shoulder for a moment.

          “You were my lady before and you are still my lady after,” Fandral grinned and I brightened up at that. “I do not mean to offend, but are you afraid he will see the-?”

         “Scars?” I finished. “I suppose…a part of me is. Loki and I have given a lot but that part of me is still afraid to show itself, especially after I’ve instilled so much into putting it away. I’m very careful to cover myself when we’re intimate in any way. Sometimes, he puts his hands on my thighs and I just freeze up. And, I want him to touch me but I know that sends a signal and he's so careful about it. But, I think I'm confusing him.”

         “What else makes you so hesitant? I’ve seen you adapt to much quickly. Court opinion be damned, Odin and Frigga were over every moon to see this. We all were. If you want more intimacy, let yourself have it. I understand it feels new.”

         “I do want more. I feel myself becoming so timid because I…”

         “Yes?” Fandral tilted his head. The words burst in a rush.

         “I’ve no idea what I’m doing, and he does, and if I mess this up... I just…don’t know. It’s not just that I have no experience, I don’t have that…disposition. But, I want to do it. I want to be intimate with him and I want to try things. I'd like to connect with him that way and I know he wants it too. Loki has…experience, a decent amount of it, and I am so scared that I…won’t even be good. I even picked up these damned books,” I pulled a romance novel out of my bag, “thinking they would help but they all seemed ridiculous and, gods, now I’m embarrassed with myself because I don’t know if I can do any of the stuff they do in these. Or…Or what if I ruin it or panic and he won’t even want to be intimate with me again because I cannot function or-” Fandral had to set his hand over my mouth to quiet me and I sagged a little, sitting back. “Thank you for knowing me well enough to put a stop to my rambling.”

         “What are friends for?” His lip twitched, one hand plucking the novel from my hand. “I am afraid that not everything you need can be studied from books, often you must allow yourself to simply experience it and learn.” 

         A puff left me, blowing a curl from my face. Fandral thumbed through the book and chuckled. 

         “Not to be crude but our handsome Prince Loki seems like the type to be ready and extremely willing to…instruct. He’ll be good with and to you. We both know this. ...Cannot imagine you taking time off to read smut. He might enjoy that as well.”

         My face flushed and I pulled the book from him, setting it back away.

         “Well it’s worth a try, I’m attempting to become comfortable.” I shrugged and Fandral beamed. “Get your mind out of the gutter.” He laughed openly for a beat as I crossed my arms tighter. Legs up on the bench to curl. 

       “Forgive me, I am just making a jest.” Fandral calmed and sat back. 

         “I’m doing all the steps. I started that potion. The one ladies request at my age to prevent…” I winced. “We kiss and we touch and I like when he touches me. But, that doesn’t stop me from shrinking when it’s too heated.”

         “Shy or not, that prince trips over himself to see you smile. He’s mad for you. Just you." Fandral eased. “As for your reservations, I’m sure you are…a splendid lover.” 

         “Your faith in me always inspires.” Lighthearted sarcasm.

         “You must look at this not only as a complex intimate act but as…as an act that is meant to simply be fun. Two people, or more if you like, enjoying each other. With the exception of me, none of us excel at it in the beginning. Like a skill, it takes practice. Often lots of it.”

         I laughed fully at my friend, relaxing at last.

         “If you excelled, tell me about your first time then,” I raised an eyebrow.

         “My first was magnificent and lasted into the night,” Fandral boasted. “However, that is, after I knocked over a candle and set a curtain on fire. But, I can assure you, after that, I was magnificent and lasted into the night.” I covered my mouth with my hand to stifle my giggle and he gave me a flat look. “Keep this between us and I shall keep the fact that you have been reading an array of smut as research a secret.”

         “Deal,” I snickered to myself that time. Encouragement crossed his expression. “This conversation will not leave the room also.”

         “Fair enough,” Fandral offered me his signature charm. “In all seriousness, if intimacy is what you want, let yourself have it. Do not focus on perfection, make it enjoyable, as it should be. Sex is an act of exploration. I know you, you simply want to feel closer to him despite any reservations or lack of charge. Everything else is just little details. You’ll know what to do.” My lips curled up and I nodded.

         “Thanks, I think I needed this to help clear my head some. I do feel the need to be closer to him and intimate. But, in the books and how others around me are, it’s all sexual attraction and swooning and bombs bursting and I don’t…connect fully. I don’t know. Sex doesn’t…repulse me now, but it is a step I'd like to explore. You know, for us both. I’m still sorting through some things, I suppose.”

         “That is all fine as well and you are very welcome,” he replied, running his hand through his blond hair. “And tell me all about it once it happens.”

         “Not a chance.”

         “Worth a shot,” Fandral shrugged. “I bet you anything I will be able to tell. I have an eye for such things.” Eyes rolling, I shook my head before I opened my mouth to speak when the door opened. Thor shuffled in, balancing plates of food and a pint in his arms. Glancing up, he paused when he spotted us and Fandral laughed. “The lady was correct, you did sneak out.” 

         Thor’s infectious grin crossed. He moved to sit on the bench next to ours and put his things down before he sat back to enjoy the fire.

         “You ruin lunch and then steal food from the kitchens,” I tsked, eyeing the many plates as Thor picked up a leg of meat to bite into it.

         “Hungry,” he spoke while he ate. “I gloriously took down a pack of saber cats. Now for a victory feast.”

         “You are the reason we were chased initially and, might I add, the sound that left your mouth when they spotted us was not that of a glorious warrior,” Fandral added, causing me to snicker at Thor’s flattened expression.

         “I’ve half a mind to let the King know you’re here feasting,” I joked lighter. "What you did was plain foolishness."

         “You would do such a thing.” He looked mock offended, “and after I brought you some too?” Thor tossed me a juicy pear in persuasion.

         “Suppose I can let this slide. Just once. The feasting, not the hunt foolishness,” I bit into the sweet fruit before Fandral took my wrist and moved to bite into the pear after. “Hey! He gave it to me,” I snatched my hand back. “I don’t know why I’m friends with either of you brutes.”

         “You adore us deep down, I am sure. You court my brother, I come with the territory,” Thor wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and took a drink from his mug.

         “Yeah, yeah, I’ll let you believe that,” I took another bite of my pear. “Try to behave for the afternoon,” I stood up, “and I expect you and Loki to make up before today ends. Apologize.”

         “You have spent far too much time with our mother,” Thor remarked. I gave his broad shoulder a swat, earning a chuckle from Fandral. “Chances are Loki is already plotting his revenge against me.”

         “I’d speak to him before he burns you alive in that case,” I took another bite of fruit and hummed. “Enjoy the victory feast until then and try not to mess with any more large kittens. You command the warriors and it's on you when they're harmed due to your actions.”

         That seemed to wake Thor a little. He didn't reply. Seemed more surprised that I'd said it to his face. Maybe I was as well.

         I moved behind the bench Fandral was on and offered him the rest of my pear, which he took with a grin. Giving him an honest smile of thanks for the conversation, he took my hand and kissed it.

         “Till next time, my sweet lady.”

         “Certainly. I need to get back to the healing room soon. Moira’s instructing me on some new things. Bye, boys,” I beamed one final time and turned, picking up my bag to sling it over one shoulder before leaving the room. An easier breath left on the way.

** ** **

           Better to fall into my routine. The healing room had become a favorite part. Moving from the main space into a smaller room attached where the potions and tonics were brewed, I opened a few cabinets to put glass vials away, idly glancing at a tapestry. Chatter ensued. 

           Healers stood gathered around a table, making something in the corner far behind me while I put freshly made potions in their respective places. Shutting the cabinet, I moved to open the door when I heard a gasp. Sound wept a billow of smoke before I was hitting the wall. The entire area went blind in a sea of grey.

            My lungs seized. For a moment, I thought enemies would rise out of the smoke to take heads. Tried to breathe. To think. Dazed, I rolled over with a grunt and rubbed eyes, coughing hard while the room filled with thick fumes.

           “Is everyone okay!” I called, hearing shouts of panic. I couldn’t see so I felt around desperately before I raised a hand to emit light. Loki's instruction already paying off. “Anyone who can see this, come here to safety! We need to clear the room!” 

            Heels skidded. Responses overlapped. The door far behind me was yanked open for guards and attendants to assist. I bent down to help a younger girl up. 

            “I’ve got you,” my lungs burned as I pulled her to her feet. Over the shouting, I held myself together and handed the panicked girl off to Moira as my friends frantically ushered others out. The smoke lessened and I found another woman cowering under the table, covered in soot so grabbed for her wrist. Something clattered over and flames licked at a curtain as my shaken body forced itself to make sure everyone was safe. Head spinning. 

            “This way! Everyone out now!” 

            I helped healers stumble and pushed them toward the exit as people got out, crawling over to the remains of the botched potion. Moira began calling my name behind me.

          “Is there anyone else in here?” I heard over the commotion. Lips parted to answer when I caught sight of a fallen cabinet with broken potion vials shattered around it. My spine chilled up and I was about to scream when a curtain up in flames fell into the mess. Having no time to react, I had just barely dived behind a fallen table as an explosion shook the room. Bones vibrating until I crashed aside. I ended up sprawled out on my stomach under a fallen bookcase. Rust in my mouth. Warmth trickled from my temple.

           “Ngh…uh…” My body pushed at the debris atop me. Stacks high. Books and broken glass toppling.

          Covered and compacted, I felt like I was already in my coffin. Clawing. Unable to speak. Nonverbal, I twisted to push up, hoping to free myself and crawl out. Out of the smoke came a shadow. Pointed and familiar. Waiting for me. I wondered again if it was Death. There was an odd comfort this time. Being seen. Eyes on my body from a thrilling darkness. My hand inched out toward it.

          This time, it seemed to extend and reach back. This figure of dreams and daydreams.

          Disoriented, the smoke made my world seem farther away until I heard more shouting and the weight above me was pulled away. Before I could shift, a pair of large arms heaved me from the floor. Carried me out. Blinking, my head lulled and I saw Thor’s bright blue eyes while he sat me down against a wall to look me over.

          “Are you harmed badly? Moira said you were still in there! Can you hear me? What happened? Are you all right?” He fired off rapid questions. I saw the Queen and more people run past behind him to handle the room and the smoke began to dissipate while Frigga waved her hand with magic. Rosy light flashed. Thor took my face in his hands to shake me and I realized I’d been unresponsive.

          “I’m…” I took in a large gulp of fresh air. Felt around Thor's tunic like I was trying to catch my syllables back. “I’m alright.” I coughed again so Thor pressed a canteen of water into my hands.

          “You found her, good,” Moira was pulled away by Elisif and a guard while they tried to clear the area.

          “Drink,” he spoke and I did so instantly, exhaling again after to get my lungs functioning once more.

          “Is everyone okay?” I rasped. "I thought...I thought I saw someone else in there."

          “No one else is inside, they're all fine. Thanks to your help,” Thor pushed the water to me again as he looked around. “Drink.” I did so and he went on. “I finally stay out of trouble for five minutes and you get yourself into it. That healer, Moira, is stronger than she looks. Pushed me until I realized she was trying to get me to go grab you as guards rushed about, pulling healers away.”

          Amusement flashed my expression. A shrug followed. Thor took his own cloak, worth more than anything I owned, and angled my face to wipe blood from it. Frigga sped over once she was finished in the room and knelt down.

          “Are you alright?” A cool rag touched my cheeks. Deft fingers went about healing while I sat limply against the wall.

          “I’m fine, I’m fine. Little dazed.” I insisted. “The same can’t be said for the supplies in there. Potion just went up.”

          “We can take care of it.” Frigga shook her head, checking me over for more injuries. “You did wonderfully. My healers always know to take care of each other.” Pride swelled within my aching chest as the mother glanced at her elder son. “Where is Loki?”

          “I am not certain, I have not seen him since the hunt. I heard the commotion and raced straight over,” Thor replied so I shifted to get up.

          “Do not press yourself,” Frigga warned. Thor had me by the arm to help me stand on shaken legs.

          “I’m alright…thank you both,” I wiped some soot from my cheek and glanced down at my torn clothing. “Where did Moira go? Let me stay to-”

          “Dear, I believe we have this handled,” Frigga smiled, touching my shoulder before she glanced up to Thor. “Help her to her chambers.” Thor nodded and I gasped when he wasted no time and picked me up.

          “Thor!” My legs hiked up under his buff bicep. 

          “I must do as the Queen Mother commands,” he laughed wholeheartedly, carrying me out and I crossed my arms. Frigga waved behind us before she moved to handle the room.

          “If I hadn’t just gotten tossed into a wall twice and tackled by bookcases…I’d smack the back of your head.”

          “I march in and save you from the bookcases and this is the thanks I get,” we both chuckled.

          “I had it under control,” I offered defiantly.

          “Is that why you were trapped under the furniture?” Thor retorted and I exhaled, blowing my hair out of my face.

          “All part of the genius plan.”

          “Ah, I see. Of course.” Thor was amused while we walked toward the dormitories. My body inevitably sagged into him. Smelt smoke on his skin.

          “I think I have it from here,” I spoke when we reached my room and Thor set my legs down. “If I agree not to get trapped under any more furniture, you have to agree to behave on hunts.”

          “Sounds fair." He paused. "What you said, I...Ah, go take care of yourself now.”

          “And talk to Loki when you see him,” I insisted. A broad hand settled on my shoulder.

          “I will,” he paused, shifting his feet some. “I never did tell you, I am glad that Loki has you. Officially. I understand the court adds pressure, don’t let it cause trouble.”

          “The many embraces you gave us portrayed that. I’m glad he has you as well,” I smiled genuinely and opened my room. “Thank you. And tell Frigga that if she needs any help, I’ll rush right down.”

           “By the nine, go rest yourself,” Thor ushered me in.

           “See you later,” I bid him farewell before I dragged my sore body into the bathroom to bathe.

** ** **

          Wearing just a robe, I ruffled a towel into my damp hair to dry it some before I collapsed on my bed, spent. I needed to go down to dinner soon. Strange being to welcome at the royal’s dining table. Already a privilege to high-ranking warriors and court attendants.

         No congratulatory letter from my parents followed since Loki and I came before the court. Nothing. Just a letter from my father asking if I wanted any of my old furniture and that it'd be thrown out the next week if I didn't return for it. I never replied. Never told Loki or prying court members what my family was like.

         Turning over, I watched the clouds float across the afternoon sky, my entire form growing closer to falling asleep instead. In an instant, the door was yanked open and a familiar voice called my name as I shot up to see Loki standing there, dropping bags at his feet.

         “They told me what happened,” he shut my door and paced over to my bed, already looking me over. Quick hands that had to angle me every which way.

         “I’m f-”

         “Why did you not send someone for me?”

         “No one knew where you were, it all happened so fast.” I pulled his hands from me. “I’m alright, Loki. Just tired.” Glancing down, I realized I was still clad in a robe and pulled it a bit tighter around myself when my face pricked with heat. Loki touched my jaw, fingers sliding down. “Where were you?”

         “I went for a walk and picked up a few supplies in the marketplace off the grounds.” He paused. “My mother informed me that this was yours.” The prince moved to pick up my sack of books and I quickly got up to take it from him, realizing I had a dirty romance novel inside it.

         “Thank you,” I tucked it away by the seat in my window and turned to still see Loki observing me. “Loki, I am alright. The whole thing was more startling than anything. The potion went off and I had to remind myself I wasn’t on the battlefield. You never leave it once you go, I suppose.” A tired smile flashed, I approached to take his hands and traced my thumbs across cool skin before goosebumps formed on mine. “I heard what happened on the hunt today. Are you alright? Did Thor speak with you?”

          “We are speaking again, yes. Somewhat.” Loki’s lip curled. “He put lives in danger acting like a child.”

          “Yeah, I might have...said something, ah...Fandral was a little banged up. Kept the healing room busy today patching everyone up. Glad it wasn’t you, I'll admit. Luckily, no one was harmed badly.” My hand settled on his face. Slipped away just as quick. Loki’s grasp came to my shoulders. He searched me and continued. 

          “I did not enjoy coming back and being blind-sighted by the dilemma in the healing room.” He pressed, eyes elsewhere and I stared up at him. That heat in my face sank lower. And lower. As he spoke, I let my hands trail up his chest and got closer. “They stated that you had gotten wounded in the process and-” Loki was cut off when I took his face to make him lean down and kiss me.

          Surprised, he recovered quicker and took my hips so I broke away and shifted to hold his shoulders. Another kiss. Just a bit longer. Me trying to figure this all out. He’s into it? I broke to see him looking fluttered. My voice grew low while I pressed myself against him.

           “Sorry about that.” 

           “About what?” He breathed, all distracted, green eyes trailed along my face. Slightly panicked, I didn’t know what to do. 

           Just kiss him again!

          “I don’t know anymore,” I pulled Loki down for another kiss, tugging him back with me until we had to part to tumble against the bed. 

          Lips flush together once more with muffled sounds escaping breathless. I braced myself on my elbows as Loki crawled to my side and shifted over me to hover. Jeweled eyes flickering. With only his torso on me, Loki moved in to capture my lips once more and I closed my eyes. 

           Relax.

          Slipping my hands along his shoulders, I touched the back of his neck before he tilted his head to deepen the kiss. A sigh slipped against me. Loki’s tongue slid along my bottom lip and I reluctantly opened my mouth a little for him. Breathe, I told myself. Do something he likes.  

          Clumsily, I tried to meet him. To match him. To be bold. A hum vibrated. Lament etched me. He hates it. Gods, why am I so bad at this?  

          I liked kissing. Felt so honest and straightforward. One motion. Routine. Morning, evening, and night. You kiss when you’re happy or sad. Needy. Tired. Longing. You kiss to feel good or to feel better. Little public pecks or lengthy moans behind corridors. You steal them and have them stolen from you in the best way. You want a kiss, you chase one and a million can follow, same as little soldiers marching upon one’s heart. Loki made it a damn art form.

          Fingers skimmed along my hips over my robe and I felt him move to kiss the corner of my mouth and then my jaw. Kisses mapped lovers out. Created new constellations. A strange magic.

          One of my hands surged into his hair, grasping gently at the ebony locks. This could be it. My stomach coiled within my body and my heart fluttered with it. He kissed my neck and I opened my eyes to look at the clouds again. Shuddering to moan because teeth nipped at my skin. Loki made me purr. 

          Relax. Just feel him.  

          Loki’s hand traced over the edge of my robe before gliding under to touch cool skin. Unable to stop it, I near convulsed and squeezed my eyes shut. Froze. A ragged breath flew forth but his hand moved up my outer thigh and my eyes shot open. 

          “Wait!” 

          Instantly, Loki got up on his knees, both hands leaving me. As if he burned, which he did and it was good. I just… It became too much. I couldn’t spark the same fire back for him. Puffing and burnt, I sat up too. We stared at each other, both breathing unevenly until I touched his jaw. Lowering my gaze, I shook my head. Unable to will my somber disposition away. I’m an idiot.  

          “I’m sorry…”

          “No, look at me,” he touched my chin. “Never apologize.” Curling my legs up, I held the top of my robe shut and averted my eyes.

          “I just,” I sniffed, “feel like something is wrong with me still because I cannot… I know you really want this and I do too, but I-”

          “There is not a thing wrong with you, I can wait until you are ready. Give me some credit. Give yourself some, the pace is fine,” he mused and I beamed a little. “We agreed to this and I will not push you. Ever. You’re in total control. Go at your own pace. You know that. Sex isn’t something to countdown to. I get to call you mine, I don’t need anything else.” 

           He’s going to remember you as his worst lover. Great. Slower, I nodded, moving to kiss him lightly as he tucked some hair behind my ear.

          “I know,” I let my fingers trace down his neck before he took my hand to press an intimate kiss to my wrist. Those were my favorite. "You know that you're not supposed to be sneaking up into the warrior dormitories in the evening. The court ladies tell me the Elders have a lot to say about it."

          "Is it not more exciting that I can kiss you and upset them all at once?" Loki hummed, lips touched my crown. "They've told me a number of times to not be in your chambers at night."

          "Which is why you love suggesting we sleep in my dinky room after dinner instead of your grand and better heated quarters."

           "I've you to warm me." Loki pecked my lips. "Are you still getting harassed by...?"

           "Eh, little. Court ladies also told me the Elders are slipping coins to anyone willing to breach our relationship." 

           "Yes, I feared they would. They think it a game." Loki peered at the clouds.

           "They ask about me. About my family. I'm not noble. Erikur, Maven, and Torvar have all offered boons to me if I leave you. Calder put an end to that. I don't know how he can be so kind and so...creepy at the same time. He always touches my hair. Always. Like he finds reasons to put his brittle fingers into it."

           "They'll back off eventually. I'll speak with father about it. They won't dare move you. Not while the Queen favors you especially." Loki sighed. "Still regret going public with me?"

          "Oh. Every single day," I grinned wider in jest. "No marrying Thor now for that big, gold chair."

          "You could have married him and let me seduce you." Loki suggested and I pushed at him, entertained. My chest fell. 

          "Too late for that now. Damn it."

          “Come, get ready for dinner,” Loki pulled me from the bed when he got up. “I’ve something planned that may lift your spirits.”

          “…Are you still plotting something against Thor?” When he smirked, I let out an amused breath. “Loki, I thought you were both speaking now.”

          “Certainly, but that does not mean I will not repay him still. I found this fun enchantment and I need something to test it on. I sent a...lovely bouquet to Thor's room to portray my apologies over the fight.”

          “Play nice,” I poked his chest as I passed him to pick a simple maroon dress from the closet for dinner. Loki only smiled broader with the feel of a serpent about to strike.

          “Whenever have you known me to do otherwise?”

** ** **

          Dinner was peaceful for all of three seconds. 

          “Loki!” Thor bounded into the dining hall and everyone perked. Laughter was immediate.

          Vines were wrapping around the prince’s back while multicolored flowers began to sprout from him. Enchanted with a life of their own as if they jumped from a pot. Twisting to engulf him.

          Thor tore at the plants but more grew in their place and he let out a grunt. Wrestling openly. Sif scoffed across from me and Volstagg choked on his mead laughing. 

          “Get rid of this!” More chuckled at the silly display.

          “I did you and everyone else a favor,” Loki persisted with a long drink of wine, “now this way, you at least smell better.” 

          A hand touched my lips. More laughter followed and Frigga stood before Odin could speak.

          “Honestly, both of you, we cannot go a week without your childish quarrels. Loki, undo it or I will.” She'd hissed at him.

          "I'm teaching enchantments to my student next week, mother, this is a learning opportunity." Loki gestured lighter.

          “Out of the dining room until you two handle this properly! Now!” Odin appeared frustrated when the court began to comment. “We'll speak on this nonsense later. Out now!” Unfazed, Loki stood, his chair skidding across the floor loudly before he plucked a purple flower off his brother and offered it to me.

          “Something to remember me by.” His smug expression made me roll my eyes. "Sweetheart, we haven't gotten into enchanting but here is an example. Notice the helpless welp falling prey to my vines as they come to life. Perfect distraction for battle. It's not deadly. At least, I don't think so. Time will tell. If they squeeze the life from Thor, we'll know for sure. Isn't magic exciting, everyone?"

          Loki certainly lived to unsettle the world. 

          Not able to stop my amusement, I took it and smelled the stiff fragrance. When a red flower appeared in Thor’s hair, he grabbed Loki by the arm and practically began to drag his brother out to unenchant the vines. 

          “Admit it, you all appreciate this as much as I do!” Loki spoke and more laughter followed until Odin shot the table a look. 

         Frigga rubbed her head as Thor left a trail of flower petals that caused more chuckles from warriors to follow before the brothers vacated the room. Biting the inside of my cheek, I smelled the flower again, running my finger along the soft petals and couldn’t help my full smile. 

         Never a dull night in the House of Odin.

Chapter Text

         “Thor and I are banned from training of any kind for two weeks and we must instead spend time washing and prepping the many awful training rooms within the palace. I am afraid that fact also means that our lessons are on hold...” Loki spoke that next day while the sun was high. Perched under our willow tree together, it was difficult to sour the mood. A smile ghosted his lips when I peered to see his eyes.

          “I understand,” I chuckled at him, glancing at the glowing sky through the tree branches above us. “That enchantment was potent. Thor likely thought he was about to be plant food.”

          "I'm not that lucky." Loki mused with a wink. 

          Leaning back against the bark, I picked up my novel again to skim. Loki moved his hand into my bag to pick out a random book for himself. Never picky. Distracted, I didn’t see what it was as he wasted no time and shifted to put his head in my lap. 

         “What are you doing?”

         “Getting comfortable until I have to spend time cleaning without magic and with Thor this evening. Such a bore,” he replied, tsking to scan his page. I only snickered, settling my free hand into his hair when I kept my eyes trained on a page. Fingers smoothing through black locks, I spotted a spell and tilted my head. Loki nudged into my hand like a kitten for more. 

         “Shooting sparks from one’s hands," I recited, "is that similar to what Thor does with Mjolnir? Channel a bit of lightning. Manifesting it out your veins.”

         “In a sense,” Loki replied with a gentle exhale at my touch.

         “Say one were to become an expert and expand upon a spell like this. Could they go from just emitting it from their hands to radiating it throughout their entire body? Every nerve. Imagine using that in battle, no one would dare lay a finger on you," I bit my lip, "I long to radiate such power.”

         “Clever girl. Now you are thinking like a sorcerer. Growth and creativity are key." Loki flicked a page with thoughtful eyes. “For that alone, I will give you the spell tome for it. You do well controlling your destruction and elemental magic. You can be trusted with something a little unhinged.”

         “Looking forward to it. I just figured because I’ve seen the way you’ve expanded upon your illusions. Why is it you won’t teach me what you specialize in yet?”

         “Patience, you’re still somewhat new, my little apprentice. Few schools at a time. Illusion magic is...advanced,” he mused simply and I turned the page, changing the subject.

           “I hope you found an interesting book to read in my bag, I don’t know why I feel the need to carry so many around on leisure days.”

           “Yes,” Loki grinned, “I had that same problem. But, this one is fascinating; let me read you this line.” He paused and I didn’t bother looking at what he had as he began to recite the words. A comical moan. “Oh, Sven, my loins.” 

           Gasping, I jolted and plucked the book from his hand before he could continue. Laughing outward, Loki sat up and pulled the novel back.

           “Give me that! Pretend you never saw it!” I dove for it and half tackled Loki down in the grass so he turned us over and straddled me with ease.

           “Where was I?” Loki held the book out of reach when I squirmed and grasped for it. “Bera’s dark eyes glistened oh so deeply with inflamed and untold desires when his chocolate orbs looked up at her from between her-ah!” Leaning up, I’d grabbed a handful of Loki’s hair by accident and tugged. Magic flicked, purple welled to yank the book from his hands and send it into the grass.

           Green willed it back with ease.

           “Stop that!” I ordered and he grew entertained. I kept my fingers rooted into his black locks, face scrunched up. Ending the torment, Loki set the book down and touched my wrist to pull my hand away.

           “I implore you to,” he let out a grunt when my fingers left his hair, “explain why you have this silly thing with you?”

           “I...I can read what I want,” I crossed my arms, looking away from him but I knew my face exposed it all.

           “Do your eyes glisten with inflamed and untold desires when you-”

           “Shut up, Loki! It’s not funny!”

           “So volatile now,” he pondered and I glared, my face turned to the side still. Grass swayed there. “Smut is supposed to have the opposite effect. I would not have imagined you with one of these silly, over-the-top books. Do not tell me this was for some kind of study. It's completely ridiculous...” My embarrassment was reaching a limit of unadulterated frustration at the whole situation as every bit of my fears from the past few weeks came reeling back and suddenly Loki’s amusement halted. “Why are you crying?”

           “I’m not,” I felt his hand on my jaw to force my gaze back up at him and my vision blurred. Blinking rapidly, Loki’s face came back into focus above me. Anger flared. “Get off! Good to know you find me so silly. I can't do this right, but I'm trying so damn hard for you!” First mistake. 

           I pushed him until he quickly shifted off me so I turned over to stuff my books away. When I slung my bag over my shoulder, Loki had to jolt back before it smacked him and I got up, marching off. Shame pulsed. Head tilted toward the grass so hair could shield me away.

           “Wait. I didn't think...” Realizing he’d pushed it too far, Loki veered in front of me and had to tug for my arm to stop me. "Wait a moment, we can talk about this." I spun to push against him with my free hand. A few small tears trickled down my cheeks and I wiped them roughly on my sleeve before I began to shove at his chest again with no avail. Loki furrowed his brow and watched my reaction calmer, which infuriated me more.

          "Listen, I didn't think you-"

          “It doesn't matter, can I go?” I quivered there, trying to hide from him. Loki only blinked and began to walk when I was coaxed to stumble along with him. “Hey!” He was leading me back into the palace and everyone who passed us ignored the scuffle.  

          Twisting, I managed to yank away but only tumbled to the hard floor at his feet as at least five spellbooks fell from my bag. One had opened and inside, pressed to the page was the flower he’d given me the night before. Sniffling, I picked it up and closed it, holding it tightly to my chest. Sinking faster. All shame.

          Burning, I crossed my arms and lowered my head. I’m awful. I can’t function. Curls fell into my face and shut my eyes tighter when a small sob crept up my throat. I felt too small, wanting to curl up and burrow into the earth. Hands flapped out, feeling around for something to keep me rooted. Unable to speak. 

          Loki nudged at my shoulder so I opened my eyes, realizing he’d carefully set my books away and was holding my bag out for me. A shuddered breath left. I touched his sleeve instead so I could breathe again. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I took it and allowed him to bring me up from the floor.

         “Come,” Loki didn’t take my arm, instead gesturing for me to follow. “It appears we have something to discuss.” He waited a moment until I made my choice and shuffled forward to follow him. Loki stayed silent, clasping pale hands behind his back while I tailed him to his room. 

          The worst crept up my spine. He doesn’t want to be with me. He’s embarrassed of me. Looking at my feet as I passed him, he shut the door behind us. I ruined it. Still clutching my book like a safety blanket, I turned to see his green eyes already observing me. 

          “Make yourself comfortable and gather your thoughts while I get you some water.” Loki moved past me so I set my things down on the table. For a moment, I watched his back before I exhaled and knew what I needed to do. What I wanted to do.

        “Loki, truth be told, I have no idea what I’m doing.” I began and he paused there, head tilting at the wall. "I want to show you physical love so you’d further understand how I felt emotionally. So, we could do something I know you enjoy. Something I could enjoy too. Like, maybe we could...reach another level together. I do want to try it."

        “Tell me what else you do know.” Water poured.

         “I know I love you. I know I want to give myself to you. I know that I’m scared out of my mind. I know I don’t want to mess up. I…I know I don’t want you to look at me differently. I know I…I know intimacy and love are both so easy and so difficult for me. I know how new this all is and I’m so, so afraid of making a mistake that could ruin it." Fists curled. "And I know that parts of me are still being held back and it’s partly why giving myself to you fully is proving difficult. It isn’t you. It’s me.”

         “Do you really believe that I am not having difficulties?” Loki turned, his gaze finding mine immediately as he brought me some water.

         “You have…experience.” Shaken, I drank and set the goblet aside. “You’ve been intimate and I guess I thought I had to be at that level to match-”

         “No. You see,” Loki’s tall frame stood over me, “that was not true intimacy, that was sex. Just sex. There is often a difference. Yes, I enjoy it. But, what we have is different. It's more.”

         “I…”

         “Let me tell you what I know as well,” he tilted his head, “I know I love you and I know I want you. I know you are scared and I know I cannot simply wish that away. I also know that it is not my desire to ruin this either. I know that I have never loved a woman the way I love you. Years. We waited years to be together. That doesn’t mean we should rush, we came together exactly when we were supposed to. The rest will follow that.” Loki took my hands in his.

          “I wanted you earlier, you know.”

          “I did as well. But, we still found our way here regardless and I’m thankful for that. I know that no woman has ever looked at me in the way you do. Heard me in the way you do. Touched me in the way you do. And loved me in the way you do. You are so special to me. Sex will not change that. I just want you to be comfortable. Happy. It's not always easy, but I'm willing to try.” Something stirred within my chest, awe followed it. Soft thumbs drew circles.  “And there will always be a part of me that fears driving you away because of the person I truly am as well. We both have our secrets. Our desires. Our vices.” Loki let go to pass me and I turned to speak.

          “The person you truly are is the reason I love you,” I confessed and paused, shuffling my feet because my nerves were on edge, “but…I have not allowed you to see all of me.” When he cocked his head, I inhaled sharper. “I need you to understand something about my past.” I was already shaking but Loki didn’t move as I unlaced my pants and stepped out of my boots, kicking them aside. Pulling my trousers down, I got out of them.

          “What are you-?”

          “Give me your hand,” I reached for him as Loki moved forward and did so. Our eyes locked, I pressed against him before settling his cool palm on my outer thigh. Fingertips skimmed across my skin while I positioned him. As if I might be pressing the pads into the delicate keys of a piano. “Can you feel them?” 

          When those digits traced over the calculated lines etched into my flesh, he paused, eyes noticeably bigger. Brow knit, Loki glanced down and moved my shirt up to see the many scars lining my thighs. Long and short. Clustered across and slanted together. His breath hitched. Carefully, he edged my sleeves up to see more on my upper arms toward my elbows. It was easier to see them in this light.

          “You…” He was looking, really looking. Eyes shifted back down from one thigh to the next before he touched my forearm and slipped his fingertips up to trace the scars that I’d scattered more at random there. Desperately random. They added up still.

          “Truth be told, I’m a disaster, or at least I was long before starting my life here in the palace. I just wasn't good to myself. Do you understand?”

          Green eyes panned back onto mine; my heart was pounding almost painfully within a caged chest. I imagined the bones squeezing in. 

          “The mirror,” Loki was looking past me while he remembered. “You came to me that night.” He took a step back and breathed shakily, “how did I not see it in the days following? Or any day before that for that matter? All that time. I assumed you’d gotten them in training. In combat. But, I…” We locked eyes again and I saw something that made my head reel. Guilt.

          “No,” I shook my head and came to him with my hands lifting, “it was my choice and…and I hid it well.”

          “You came to me and I turned aside. How many times did you come to me before that and I-”

          “You didn’t know!” I exclaimed finally, taking Loki's wrists to center us both. “And that’s how I wanted it. Please, let me explain, I…when I stopped I just wanted it to go away. I focused on myself. It will always be a part of me and that’s why I wanted you to know. I needed you to understand why. I needed you to see where I’ve come from.” I needed Loki to see the haze that outlined my soul and I needed to trust him with it. “I healed most of the scars but some…I supposed I reopened them so many times that not even healing could make them fully disappear.”

          Loki shifted, bracing himself against the table behind him as he watched me.

         “Why,” he paused, “did you do it?”

         “At the time, it was one of the few things…that made me feel real again.” I exhaled with my shoulders hitched, all spite. “I couldn't feel my emotions. Still, I bury them so deep and touching them. It hurts. I cracked. I knew the pain was better and healing after...there's a comfort. A horrible comfort. I was in between one world and another. I grew accustomed to such terrible things. Put my love where it did not belong. Thought I had a home but it was so very empty. I was empty. And I didn’t want to see any of it but I did and I hated it. Forcing myself to conceal it all behind steel. Trying to be good when it was never good enough.” 

          My eyes watered but I held it together. 

          “I'm still working on acceptance. I’m getting there and I've come so far, I'm afraid of looking back and being lost again. I let go. And in that, I found some honest freedom. I’ve found beings that I now happily call my family. And you. Nothing has ever felt this right. Nothing has ever made this much sense to me. Loki, I look at you now…and I have never felt more at home.” His gaze bore into me and I smiled with watery eyes. “I stopped focusing on being good for awhile and decided to just be me. That can be enough. It has to be one day, but I think you helped teach me that. And, Loki, I love you so much but I feel like I’m never gonna be enough to repay that.”

         A fist clenched at my shirt, hoping to gentle the heart racing still. His shoulders came down.

         “You are far more than good enough,” Loki spoke finally, his voice hushed before he uttered my name. Laced in that signature tenderness he always gave me. “I am sorry,” his words caught me completely off-guard while he moved forward and suddenly he was holding me tight. Shocked, I allowed him to embrace me, my arms trapped between our bodies as one of his hands cupped the back of my head, pressing me to his chest. I melted.

          “Forgive me,” Loki whispered, shaking when he kissed and caressed my hair. “So sorry,” he was muttering things and I relaxed against him. I wanted to close my eyes and just breathe but I kept them open. “Didn’t know… I…I didn’t know.” He sounded afraid. Thin fingers bunched up the fabric of my shirt. I let myself unwind at his open show of affections. “Love you. I love you so much. You're enough and you always will be.”

          “Do not feel guilty, please.” I glanced up at him. “You told me to never apologize and I don’t want you to either for this. It happened, but I’m here. I'm healing.”

          Loki’s hand cupped my face, thumb brushing against my cheek as he let out a breath.

          “I'm sorry that I hold so much in. I love you and I'm trying, I promise." I ached because even touching sweetness wounded me in my core. But, trying mattered. "I needed you to know this about me.”

          “I am grateful that you told me.” His lips pressed against my temple before I offered him a smile. “If you ever feel that you will lose yourself to it once more, tell me. You must come directly to me and tell me instantly.” His desperate eyes searched my face and he held me tighter to him. "Even if you need a place to hide away from it, I'm always going to be here to offer it."

          “I…I will. I promise you that I will.” I beamed and it hurt less. I was alive and healing. I had him. "We're enough."

** ** **

         Days later, someone knocked on my door and I opened it to see an attendant bowing.

         “My lady, Prince Loki has requested I bring you these,” he handed me a stack of rolled and bound parchment above an old book with a note attached.

         “Thank you,” I nodded and he bowed once more before leaving. I set the things on the table to read the note and recognized Loki’s neatly slanted writing.

        “I stole away from my punishment to get these to you now. The first are the spell tomes I promised and under it is a book about defensive skills. In light of what happened in the healing room last week, I wish to teach you about simple wards when we can continue our lessons. Read over them in the meantime and tell me what you think when we speak again.”

         Gleeful little flutters perched in my stomach. I set Loki’s note down and looked over the parchment as I untied it all, sitting down to get to work on them.

         A bright day where I could get lost in my studies ahead.

** ** **

         “Loki?” I’d knocked on his door hours after dinner.

         Outside, the sky turned a lush, dark blue. Stilling to quiet. Speckled in starlight.

         “Yes?” He appeared in nothing but a towel, looking tired from a day of Odin's orders.

         “We missed you and Thor at dinner again,” I commented so he let me in.

         “Had it brought up after we’d finished for the day. You will not believe the nightmare those damn, grimy rooms have become. We found a nest of dead rodents today.”

         “They’re glorified storage rooms that haven't been used since your grandfather's time I bet, I can only imagine. The two weeks are almost up,” I offered, turning away when he moved into his closet and shamelessly pulled his towel off to change into some night pants. Staring up at the ceiling, I clasped my hands behind my back and waited for him to emerge, topless, as he poured himself some wine.

         “Would you like something to drink?” Loki gestured, pale and ethereal in moonlight.

         “No,” I shook my head, forcing my eyes to his face when he leaned against the wall to drink.

         “You received the materials I sent, yes? Kept you busy?”

         “I did,” I smiled, “I came to thank you and also, the defensive magic stuff was a thoughtful bonus. By the way, the training grounds are no fun without you or Thor.”

         “I figured the other warriors were just a bit grateful that Thor was not there to destroy equipment,” he smirked and my eyes trailed to the relaxed hair loosely framing his face before he pushed it back. Muscles twitched under his skin, flexing. Stunning. Effortless. 

         Something about Loki's beauty was beyond even this world. Always alight and flickering in motion.

         “Dinners have also never been this quiet,” I chuckled lighter, moving toward him. “I just want the punishment to be over so we can hold lessons again. I’m greedy.” I clasped my hands together, near giddy, and he smiled a little at my enthusiasm.

         “Seeing another warrior so enthralled about magic use is still quite new to me. Slow down just a bit,” Loki took another drink and set his goblet aside when I stood in front of him now. His tired eyes slid along my face. Probably saw me haze over from his scent at this proximity. Swallowing, I spoke with twitching amusement.

         “Not a chance, I think I’m getting better finally.”

         “You tried levitating a chair two weeks ago and instead, merely tipped it over,” he joked, "you made an adorable face after."

         “Well, it moved still, didn’t it? Constant levitation is harder than just pushing.” Fingers flicked, a gust of violet rushed his bones. Had Loki flat against the wall behind him. Enchanted at the feel of me, his lips spread. Playful, I set my hands on my hips, glancing down at his bare chest. “But, that counts as improvement.”

         Tongue tracing my bottom lip, I slowed there so we could share this next beat. Intoxicated by the lush smell of red wine and scented oils he’d used during his bath. The distance closed further at my steps. I lifted my hand to trace it along his collarbone. Delicate contours sculpted his frame. Loki craned to watch me, closer by the second.

         “Hm?” I came back to myself and pulled my hand away.

         “I did not say anything.” His lashes fluttered.

         “Oh…” We stared at each other a moment longer so I drew closer. Loki leaned in, his green eyes half-lidded; he gazed at my lips when I licked them. Wanting ardently. Wanting me. “Well…I…” Moving up onto my toes to get closer, my thought process went blank. Stop thinking and just touch him. “I…”

         “Yes?” He breathed against me, lips parting. He’s offering himself to me. Bolder, I barely shrugged before I pressed my lips to his, hands hovering over his chest as he leaned against the wall behind him. Slowly, Loki’s palms touched my back to bring me closer and I let myself caress his flesh, arms sliding around his neck until he brought me up. Bodies flush together, he felt up my dress. 

          Half-carrying me, Loki brought us over to the bed and we broke the kiss so he could sit. Hands tugged for more and more of me. My skirts hiked up. Straddling his lap, I watched him search my face before he cradled my jaw and kissed me again. Tongue sliding against mine for a taste, our noses brushed. Fingers sunk into my hips, pulled me in until I made a little whimper for him.

          Do something assertive.

          Pressing him back into the mattress, I tilted my head and parted my lips, allowing him to deepen the heated kiss again. Loki moaned lightly as I sat up a little, bracing my hands on either side of his head. Was that a good moan or a bad one? Green eyes flickered over my face after I broke the kiss and we breathed ragged for a moment. Loki swept my hair back, stole a few more as if he was starved.

         Stop thinking so hard! Sitting up, I got off him and smoothed down my dress as he braced himself up on his elbows. Out of breath. Wanting me more.

         “I… We…” I tried to get my thoughts together but my heart was pounding so loudly, I could barely think straight. “I need a moment. Stay there. Don’t move, okay?”

         “Are you-?

         “Fine…” I stammered. “Just stay there and let me…yeah.” I slipped into his bathroom and shut the door. Splashing cold water on my face, I looked at my reflection and fixed my hair.

         We could do this tonight. Was I ready? Yes. I could do this. I wanted it. I wanted to be fucked. Heat swelled. I stood at the mirror, my thoughts racing as the pulse calmed just a bit.

         Should I take off my dress? Would he want to? I didn’t know. What if he doesn't like my body? True I wasn’t shaped like other girls he’d flirted with. Choosing to let that bother me now was a disservice. I ran my hands through my hair again. Tried to clear my thoughts. Hands flapping, I tipped back to breathe even. 

          Biting my lip, I pulled my dress off one shoulder. By the nine, I was trying to be sexy. Loki likes that. Right? Does he care? No? Shaking my head, I fixed my dress and breathed for another moment. Gods, I was overthinking this now. Perfect. After a few more minutes, I gathered myself and stood tall. 

           I was going to march right out there and sleep with that man. Good. Yes. Perfect. There.

          Marching, I left the bathroom and realized Loki was fast asleep on top of the covers. Out. My shoulders fell, head tipping to the doorway because I was a fool. Damn it. I took too long. I burst into quiet giggles as he breathed even, shifting over. I should have figured. Poor thing, he looked to be on the verge of it. 

          Instead of going back to my room, I took off my shoes and removed my clothing down to a thin shift layer under my dress. Snuffing out the lamps, the dim fire flickered at the other end of the room. Embers glowing. I managed to pull the blankets off the bed under him and cover the sleeping prince. Loki shifted on his side, letting out a breath and nuzzling into the pillow under his head, causing me to smile. 

          “Maybe some other time,” I laughed silently and I got in next to him. Lips ghosted Loki’s bare shoulder and then his temple as he hummed in response before I reclined. “Sweet dreams, Loki,” I whispered and closed my eyes to await the pull of a peaceful sleep.

** ** **

          The sun had barely begun to rise when I opened my eyes and noticed Loki wasn’t in the bed anymore. My hand shifted out as if to feel for traces of him.

          “Morning,” he sat perched at the table, still in his nightclothes. Observing me. Lifting, I curled my legs up and tried to smooth my curls down. Fingers shifting quick. “It was kind of you to tuck me in last night.”

          “Couldn’t just leave you sprawled out like that,” I laughed, hiding my face in the blanket. "Ah, sorry."

          "No need, my performance would have suffered." His jest had me perking back up. “Had a rather early breakfast brought, care to join me?”

          Loki raised his goblet to drink and I got up to see a tray of fruits as I sat down.

          “You know, I find you quite adorable when you’re tired like that, my prince,” I winked at his flat expression and I bit into a peach, savoring the sweet tang. 

          “You sometimes whine in your sleep,” he popped a raspberry in his mouth after I shook my head and stole his cup to drink, pausing after a sip.

          “Why are you drinking wine this early?”

          “I have to deal with Thor's whining again today.” He took the goblet back and drank when I laughed. 

          "Fair enough."

           We sat in a comfortable silence, eating bits of fruit as the early sun shone in the room. God rays through the cracks in half-drawn curtains. Loki soon stood to freshen up in the bathroom and I did the same after.

           Deft and settled, we moved around each other. Not touching. Something thickened the morning air. Crawling to sit back on his unmade bed, eyes lifted to watch Loki cross. He pretended at first that he didn't notice I was admiring each line on him. 

           “Something on your mind, sweetheart?” Loki stood with his back to me, peering in a mirror to sweep his hair back into place. Black locks took on a wave without the product.

           “Always, unfortunately. I get no rest,” I glanced outside, saw the clouds pass. “It’s far too early, we’re probably the first ones up.” Leaning over, I buried my face into the covers. “Hope you don’t plan on kicking me out soon, I’ll just end up going back to bed before training later.”

           “I would rather you kept me company so I might perhaps gain some sanity back before my punishment later.”

           Lifting again, I smiled at that, crossing my legs on the bed. Fingers fiddling with a tie on my underclothes. Should I just take off my shift? Would he want to do this now? No, stop thinking so hard this time. Damn it.

           “I can do that." I scanned him. Watched the muscles shift in his back.

           He felt it too. The air curling over. Heavy. Seeming to bow and rest. Loki finished his wine and moved to refill his glass. Deft under my gaze.

           Why don’t I just ask him?

           “You could always…close the curtains and get back into bed with me.” 

            There was a beat before I heard his cup clank down. That was…easier. Imagine…talking about things honestly to get them done. Noted.  

            Magic swept the curtains shut and Loki was already moving the covers back to get in next to me. Scooting toward him, I settled my hands on his collar and smoothed my fingers over his porcelain skin. He let out a shuddered breath as I looked at his face in the dim light. The right words came easier.

            “I want to do this now. I want to be with you. I don’t want it to wait,” my hand trailed up his neck to caress his face, “it feels right.” 

            Flickering dark eyes down Loki's expression, I felt one of his palms curl around my wrist. Must have felt my pulse pick up. I held his jaw while the other hand settled on my waist. Breathe. Moving forward, lips found his neck and Loki exhaled, angling his head for me to continue.

           “If ever you wish to halt, you must say stop. It’s alright to stop.” Loki’s own pulse quickened under my mouth. I brushed kisses down his long neck and let my tongue flick over his collar. Nose tracing to inhale smoky sandalwood. 

            Appearing to enjoy it, Loki sighed a little and allowed my fingers to explore his skin. One hand wandered between his legs to cup him. Bold. Assertive. I sat back to watch his eyes slide closed and head tip back. He held me tighter, urged us close.

           Aroused, Loki’s hips bucked into my hand. I rubbed slightly and my body flushed when he moaned aloud. Hard. Twitching. Wanting. Pleased, I resumed kissing his neck and allowed my hand to move up before it slipped under his waistband. I just wanted to feel all of him. 

            Loki captured my mouth. One hand shifted over his pants to guide me. Easing up and down his shaft. Slick beading. I wondered how often he touched himself to thoughts of me. How he posed and spread and pictured me. I hoped I could live up to fantasy. If anything.

            Just keep moving. I want this and so does he.  

            “Allow me to take care of you,” Loki insisted, pulling my hand away before it was too much. Lying back, I touched his chest as he hovered over me a moment to brush his lips against mine. I let him lick into my mouth and tease at his leisure.

            “Loki,” I exhaled. Another kiss settled me. Had my thighs rubbing together. He braced his hands on either side of me so I reached up to undo the ties on my shift with fumbling hands.

            “Let me,” he let out this playful air. Tugging and beaming. About to drink me in. My arms dropped to either side of my head as he undid each flimsy tie, green eyes lingering on my face. 

            Carefully, Loki pulled open the top to look at me. Hands flush to cup my breasts. Lips made a path along my skin. Hurried, I sat up so he could remove the fabric from my body. So he could see more of me. More than I’d ever shown to anyone. 

            While he looked at my body, my flesh and curves, I was tempted to close my eyes. Until I saw the desire in his. A beautiful, crowned prince loved me. He wanted me. Show him. I took one of his hands and settled it on my breast, a sigh of fervor leaving my mouth as he slipped his fingers under my torso and leaned in to kiss my chest. 

            Pleasure and delight did me in. In darkness. In light. I was worshiped utterly.

            My heart pounded. Cool lips left a trail of soft kisses along my skin, his tongue joining in every so often to trace small circles. Squeezing my breasts, the kisses became quicker. Harder. Hotter. I moaned for it. Back wanting to curve as he sucked gently on my tender flesh and moved to give my other nipple the same attention.

           Arousal bloomed. Flowers unfurling before a sun.

           “Yes,” I grasped at his shoulders before he sat up abruptly to watch me. My chest rose and fell heavily. Need evident. A carnal sort of sweetness seeping like buttercream icing. Dripping down flesh same as hot wax. I grabbed at the pillow under my head, twisting the fabric between taut fingers. Nerves were sparking. Keep showing him.  

           My hips shifted and Loki smirked at my state. Adoring the effect he had. Locking my eyes onto his, I instead lifted my hips and offered myself to him. Wanting more sweetness. More falling petals. More worship. More of him. 

            “Please,” came my voice and he obliged, hooking his fingers under the fabric to bring it down. Loki moved between spread legs and grabbed the back of my knees before he jerked me toward him, causing me to gasp, laughing softer. Sheets tangled under us. Bunching and billowing like clouds.

            “You’re trembling,” he observed, leaning down to kiss me deeply for a long moment when my fingers touched his shaken hands. Was he truly nervous as well?

            “So are you,” I whispered against his lips. Nipping playfully so that he’d give me a smile. “You’re beautiful.” I sighed in my daydreams. Clouds rolled and opened for illuminated rays from higher gods. We glittered there. Loki laced our fingers and held my hands above my head.

            "Before, we..." Loki heaved and stayed level. "Are you-?"

            "I started that potion awhile ago. I'm protected. I want this." My lashes fluttered. Pleased, he continued, exploring my neck again and I moaned when his teeth nudged at my skin. 

            Utter bliss encased us in the shallow flits of light. I closed my eyes and felt heat filled every bit of my body, he breathed ragged against my skin. Loki slid his broad hands along my arms, over my breasts, and down my stomach until he sat up to grasp my hips. My heart practically dived when he leaned over to trail his lips over the lines etched into my outer thigh for just a moment. Teasing me as he straightened back up. 

             Wanting him nude, I let one hand move down to tug at his pants until he hummed and let go of me to remove them. The desire to make him feel good whirling. Making me dizzy.

           Loki leaned over and I grabbed for the sheet above my head as my other hand found his cock, stroking him again. Loki moaned in pleasure. His head tipped to my collar. Fingers in the sheets, grasping aimless. He hovered and bucked obscenely.

             “Today,” he gasped, “is for you.” Loki stole my wrist to stop me and pressed my other hand back above my head before he settled his palms on my parted knees.

         “It is for both of us,” I murmured, squirming about. Slipping my palm over his, I guided his fingers down. Between my thighs. Loki moaned at the mere feel of me.

         All the beauty of all the nine realms flashed at once. Opulent beyond belief. Gently, his thumb brushed my clit and I hitched. Clouded eyes lush with desire. He continued, rubbing tender circles and my arousal spilled. 

         Our lips opened against each other when I pulled him in. Exploring lines down his jaw and collar. A sound muffled into Loki’s neck. My legs hitched, nails dug into his shoulders. Breathless, I pressed the back of my hand to my mouth but Loki pulled it away with his free one.

         “Ah…” Something in my stomach sparked as his thumb continued to torment my sensitive flesh while his other hand cupped my face to get me to gaze at him. Thrilled with how easy I succumbed, Loki slipped his thumb over the plump swell of my lips. Dainty kisses touched the pad until I suckled.

         “Do not quiet yourself,” he purred. “I want every heavy breath or sweet sigh.” One finger slipped inside, eliciting a prayer for more of him. “Every utter of a curse. Every plea.” Loki was moving his finger in concert while stroking my clit. Thighs quivered. Saliva smeared my mouth. “Every syllable. Mine.” 

         He didn’t care about how my body looked and for once I didn’t fret over it. Loki desired me. Utterly. Totally. Another finger slipped inside and I opened my legs wider to him, hips rolling. Pleasure overcoming as a great cloud. Cradling me. I ached for more, lips mouthing the plea over and over.  

         Loki paused to bring his fingers up, suckling them. Savoring me. Ending me all the same. My lips quivered. Reeling up for a kiss so he’d lie against me. Fervor on his lips, Loki shifted down. Got lower.

         “Waited too long to get your thigh over my shoulder.” He had me giggling but that died the moment his mouth was on me. Sparks fluttered in my belly. Flew out every nerve. Gods. With nowhere to go, I pulled at the sheets. Cursed his name. Cursed his tongue more because it was divine. 

         “Yes!” My chest heaved. He lapped at me. "Fuck." Loki’s fingers pushed to stimulate me in concert. My stomach dipped as he closed his mouth around me. Ate without remorse. Devoured me. Spread across furs and silken sheets, I gave in.

         “Loki!” I gasped when he suckled gentler and my eyes rolled back.

          His moan vibrated against my skin and I was slowly coming undone under his whim. Swollen with need, I felt his tongue trace teasing circles into me but he paused, moving to dig his teeth into my inner thigh before he sat up. Hurried kisses muffled me. Green eyes flickered, slowing to see mine light up. 

         “I want this.” A tender finger lifted to tuck his hair aside.

          Years of dreaming and wanting him felt so small. I put my dreams aside and focused on the reality that I was in the arms of the man I loved. And he returned that. The way Loki smiled there chased my fears aside. I felt his cock settle against me. Dripping. Legs hitched around his hips, I moved to feel more of him. 

         “Patience, sweetheart,” he mumbled against my lips. We kissed for a long moment,  I traced my hands up his arms. Held him. We rocked together, slicking his shaft until I burst.

         “Please?” I begged which thrilled him. Loki’s arms slid around me and he lifted me a little to position his tip. I nodded, caressing his face for a moment before holding to his shoulders and he nudged inside. 

         My body tensed. He slid in as slowly as he could. I could tell he was resisting the urge to slam his hips into mine when he trembled above me. I kissed his collar idly to set him at ease and nodded once more before he pushed inside fully until my gasp hitched. Teeth clenched together and closed my eyes. Tears sprang into them when my body suddenly seized with nerves. Emotions bubbled up.

         “Relax yourself, I’m here,” Loki nudged the side of his head into mine as he held me and stayed very still. I took a deep breath and tried to, adjusting. “In a minute,” he promised, “I swear I will make you feel good in a minute. Take your time. I'm here with you.” I shifted and whimpered, trying to get my tense body to calm as my heart raced. 

         Breathe. 

         “I’ll not release you until you are ready.” He held me tighter, kissing my forehead, and I leaned back so he could kiss my lips. As I lie under him, the discomfort dulled and I spoke softer. Seizing nerves began to rest.

         “I’m yours…” I beamed up at him and he smiled there. Stunning. Something connected and I uttered another plea. “Move…I want you to.” Loki pulled out and pressed back into me and I arched. Sensations whirled and twisted together. Too sweet for words. “Oh…”

         “Alright?” He was gradually pumping his hips while I adjusted, squirming.

         “Yes,” my brow furrowed and he stilled above me, not convinced.

         “We can stop if you-”

         “No,” I shook my head, touching his face before I trailed my fingers into his hair. “Keep going…I want this.” For a moment, he searched my eyes and found no trace of doubt. We smiled, carefree and enjoyed these seconds of pure affection. Carefully, he began to move again, hips working small circles.

          “Yes…like that,” I curved, my breasts rubbing against his chest and Loki’s lips parted with a gasp. The sharp edges of his expression fluttered and softened. Pleasure rushed. Absolutely beautiful.

         “Move with me now,” he was guiding my legs until I wrapped them around his hips as he found a pace. Our bodies rocked against each other, I thrust my hips against his to try to meet him.

         “Like this?”

         “Perfect,” he moaned, pumping into me faster. His body moved of its own accord. Heavy breaths filled the room and I tugged him down for another hard kiss. Another taste of scorching magic.

         My heart could have sang. Frankly, it tried. Everything came together. And gods he felt so good as he thrust harder, angling to drive deeper into me. Fucking me into his silks.

           I held him tighter and Loki settled his body against mine, panting softly in my ear. We got lost together. I never wanted to be anywhere else but in his arms as he held me back.

           Loki moaned my name so exquisitely and his back curved, hands sliding along my warm skin until he found my hips. I ran my fingers into his hair and along his back, my legs tightening around his waist as I kissed his shoulder. Teeth left tiny, light indents. We burnt love into every beat and heartstring.

         “You…feel glorious, oh, sweetheart. I might never get enough of you.”

         “Don’t stop,” I breathed, heart pounding against his own. 

         His lips closed around a spot on my neck to suck as I bucked harder against him, coaxing him to slam into me faster and by the nine his hands felt so perfect against my bare flesh. Pounding into my clenched walls, Loki groaned and I cried out when he found a spot that made me writhe. I heard the grand headboard clipping the wall. 

         “Right there, oh!” I heard him curse against my skin. Hips working into mine. Bodies succumbed to lust and intimacy before he buried his face into my neck as I tugged at his black hair.

         Crumbling, I stared up at the painted ceiling beyond him. Jewel tones that caught glitters of sunrays. They seemed to play and dance with the sway. Pulsing. Bursting.

         “So good…” I panted and cried in his ear, pleas falling from my lips. “You feel…so good.”

         “That’s it,” Loki moaned a low baritone, coming up to watch my face. Telling me how much he wanted me. How much he loved me. Needed me. How much he always would. 

         I whined under him and felt the huge bed rocking beneath us. Friction sending static jolts up and down my body while he clenched his teeth together. Filled me utterly. I knew he was close as his thrusting became erratic.

          Loki held me tight so I whispered in his ear. That I loved him too. That I always would. My body arched into his, knowing I was close as well.

         “Come…” I coaxed, digging my fingernails into his back. Drunken lips filled with sin. “I want you to come inside me. Wanna feel it.” Loki breathed heavily. Seemingly lost. Rough fingers pressed into my skin before his back curved and he moaned my name once more. 

         Teetering on the brink of release, I instead pushed him toward pleasure. Wanting to see him fall apart. Wanting to be the cause. My prince shuddered and I watched his lips part as his climax consumed him when his frame seized up. Fingers dipped between us. Loki played with me.

         Still rocking hard against him, my entire body screamed out to succumb. I worked myself into him. Felt release drip. Gasping for air, he didn’t allow himself to collapse yet, desperate for me to have my end as rough fingers rubbed at a quick pace.

         “Come for me,” he whispered, sending me over the edge.

         “Loki…I'm-oh!” I cried out as my body quaked around him and every muscle went into delightful spasms. He didn’t let up until I quivered and curved up from the bed. Pleasure washed over my frame and I shut my eyes when a broken yell passed my lips. 

         My entire soul gave in and I sagged just before Loki allowed himself to lie on top of me. Shaking, I held his body to mine, fingers stroking his hair. Loki pushed up to meet my gaze. I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Overcome. Core pulsing.

         Instead of speaking, he rested his forehead against my temple. 

         Our slick bodies came down from the high. He kissed my jaw and then my lips as emotion swelled within my chest. I almost burst into tears right there. Reluctantly, Loki rolled off of me and we laid there for another moment, staring up at the ceiling. Breathless. Sharing these moments that would not be forgotten.

         “That,” I breathed, “was far better than any smut I read.” Sex didn’t change me, I realized. It just opened me up further. Unfurled my petals to a secret that was all mine. All his too. 

         “Your eyes did glisten quite a bit,” Loki paused before he laughed openly with me following. I turned to face him and his hand traced a line down my cheek. My body grew sore so I cuddled into him and if he wasn’t holding me, I would have floated up to Valhalla right then. So many perfect cliches.

         “I do not have to be up for a while longer,” Loki watched my face. “Stay with me,” the rare show of hope entered his green eyes and I smiled again, nodding. Tender as can be. 

         Loki relaxed down and brought me with him, holding me firm. My heart warmed when he began to stroke my hair. Nude and intertwined. I planted a lazy kiss on his chest, fingers tracing a shape into pale skin over the area his heart was. He pressed his lips into my hair and we drank each other in for a moment. Savoring these cherished moments.

         “I love every bit of you,” came his quiet, heartfelt confession and I had to stop my eyes from watering when emotions almost got the best of me again. Everything was perfect here. For both of us. Nothing more was needed. Loki didn't hurt. Not one bit.

         “I love you as well,” I spoke evenly, “so much.”

** ** **

         Grinning like a complete fool into this day, I sharpened my dagger for use by a tree on the training grounds hours later. Cherishing the soreness in my thighs. The burn of Loki’s lingering kisses on my skin. I bit my lip and a voice pulled me from my thoughts. 

         “I believe that congratulations are in order.” Suave.

         “Fandral,” I gave him a playful glare upon turning. Warriors behind him danced about the grounds. “I’ve not said anything and somehow you already know that Loki and I slept together.”

         “No,” Fandral grew smug. “I was simply guessing but you just confirmed it.” A wink for the trickery of it.

         “You’re terrible,” I stood taller and pushed at him as he trailed after me. “You can’t do that.”

         “Still, I believe that congratulations are in order in that case.” He nudged at my side and I shook my head. “You are radiating with pure bliss. I’ve that effect on all my lovers so I know the look.”

         “You’re still the worst,” I chuckled and rolled my eyes. “Pick up your sword and duel me, I’m done with your comments.” Fandral grinned at me simply, bowing with all the air of prince charming.

         And I had one waiting for me in the distance.

         “As you wish.”

Chapter Text

           Oh, I cannot do this. Neat text before me.

           Eyes glistening, she fell to her knees and slipped her dainty fingers into the waist of his pants, tugging to get them over his perfectly muscled hips. His heated love muscle sprang forward, throbbing for her plump lips before…

           “Loki!” The novel dropped onto the counter when his sharp face stared at me from the other side of the bookshelf. “Quit that!” I huffed and shoved a row of texts over so his expression was hidden before a chuckle sounded there. Just as he moved the books back aside, I slipped the dirty novel away and plucked another out discreetly.

           “I have not seen you since breakfast so I figured I’d surprise you,” he'd mused from the opening and I rolled my eyes.

           “Scare me, is what you mean,” I arched an eyebrow at him, “I skipped lunch to finish stocking in the healing room and ended up being let out early by your benevolent mother. Figured I’d return my borrowed books and snag another to read tonight.”

           “Have you read this one? You won’t sleep for a week,” Loki slid a book between the opening. “The effects of dark spells. It has pictures too. Vividly detailed.”

           “Oh…” I drawled with a cute scrunch of my expression. A face that always brightened his eyes. “Sounds exciting...and absolutely obscene,” I read over the back quicker and shrugged before setting it away in my bag. “What are you doing on the third floor at this hour?”

           “Peace of mind. It’s semi-quiet and empty, everyone is getting ready for dinner and those here remain downstairs. I consider it our floor now with most of the magical texts.” His voice moved as I resumed browsing. 

           Loki appeared at the end of the aisle. Fingers followed the row of books down toward me. Tracing spines the same way he liked to explore my skin. A vein in his exposed wrist pulsed while the sleeve inched up. Why such a thing thrilled me, I'd never know.

           “The music is peaceful as well and I like the way the rain vibrates on these windows. Perfect time to browse the selection. Distracting enough.” Warm lamps flickered as curtains closed themselves with a wave of Loki’s hand. The rain seemed to beat harder. “You look lovely. New dress?”

           “The prince who gifted it to me had great taste,” I glanced up at him, posing for effect while turning toward my little pile of books on the counter. Delicate plum skirts swayed with me in rippling layers. 

           “You’ll have to introduce me. I'll bet he ravished you after,” Loki chuckled and slipped an arm around my waist before he kissed my cheek. 

           “Trying to mold me now in royal decor, my prince?” I remarked in total jest with a wink. His palm warmed through fabric on my hip.

           “Why would I? Valhalla has already sculpted you in its image,” Loki smooth baritone undid me so I pushed at him. Flitting like a playful nymph with eyes that wandered and coveted.

           “Stop.”

           “Admit it,” he nudged me when I glanced from him. Melting. “It was a good line.”

           “I’ll say no such thing,” I licked my lips and peered at the dirty novel I’d hidden away. “I have my…studies to focus on.”

           “What’s this you have so far?” Loki asked then, back at my side with his hand on my hip. Casual and natural about how he touched me.

           “Besides the one you gave me…” I shifted the books around and felt his fingers press into my side. Loki eyed me to see the exhale puff. As if he'd pressed a button to elicit a specific response. “I mostly picked books that involve my healing room work for this week."

           "Fair enough."

           "Thought so. Recipes. Ancient healing remedies. Poison effects. Fun, wholesome stuff. Your mother recommended them and perhaps one day I’ll be able to understand what Eir and Elisif are talking about when they speak. I’m not the most amazing healer so I'm ruling that out for my specialty but I keep busy with them. What are you really up to?” Eyes drew to his pale neck when he turned his head away briefly and found myself wanting to kiss it. Loki always adored that. Made him shaky.

           “Fetching something for father was my real task, to be honest. Thor and I are meeting him before dinner,” Loki held up an ancient text in his other hand.

           "From the restricted section?" I piped up, noticing the book was locked up. Seeming to hum.

           "Under the supervision of the guards. Never a moment alone when I'm allowed inside." Loki's eyes narrowed at something beyond me. But, briefly. That washed away when his lips tugged; he panned back to focus. “I spared time to bother you when I discovered that you were up here strutting about the third floor alone. Nice time to listen to the rain sing. Don't you think so?”

           “Aw...” Sarcasm flowing into my voice, I drew closer like I might kiss him but didn't. Lingering there. “You put aside time to bother me. How sweet of you.”

           “Only because I love you,” Loki affectionately tucked some hair behind my ear. Stole my lips before I could steal his first.

           “You must love everyone if that is the case,” I quipped and he hummed before tilting my head to capture my mouth again. For longer this time. Books fell from clumsy fingers onto the counter next to my bag. Loki pulled my body into his to deepen the embrace. Fingers squeezed my sides in gentle motions, sliding over my waist to my hips. “I love you, too.” I whispered when he pulled away and tipped his chin up. Looking at my smile like he could fall apart. “My room tonight, I take it?”

           “Yes,” Loki nodded once only to draw closer and peck my lips once more. Not noticing my eyes shift aside. “We’ll explore Valhalla.”

           "Can I touch it?" I perked and saw his brow lift. A suggestive curl at his mouth. "The book, I mean. What did you think I meant?" Something sultry in my voice had his chest sinking. Loki offered the text to my careful hands. Watched my fingers slip over it before I felt the weight. A hand-stitched leather cover thick and worn. Almost felt like skin.

           "You see it too, don't you? You feel that same sensation that always makes my mouth water." Loki stared at me, observed how I grew enamored by this glow of an outline around the tome. The way it called to me and thrummed. Strings screaming. Drums beating. A harmony of vocals that cried out. It hazed me.

           "It's magic. I see it. I see it in so many things around me now. People too. You and Frigga burn brightest, of course," I sounded out, dreaming there. Loki only smiled.

           "It's knowledge. Pure."

           "I don't think any form of knowledge is pure if it has to be locked down, Loki," I said without judgment, "but still, I..."

           "Yes?" Coaxing. Teasing. Seductive about it.

           "I want it." My eyes lifted to his there. Looking into the blown-out black of them. I imagine I matched it. "Not because I think I'll take something malicious into my soul. I just...I want to know all sides. You're teaching me to push and pull. Bending the world and all its rules. Trusting I won't be corrupted, but I think sorcerers have to be corrupted to an extent. Magic touches all of us differently. Has a cost the other warriors won't ever understand. I don't want to do evil with magic, but I want to know the potential and trust myself with it. I'm always going to want more of it, aren't I?"

           "Yes," Loki agreed, gazing at me as I had gazed upon the text, "you won't ever want to stop." He slipped the book from my hands without glancing away. "We're drinking from a limitless universe now, my dear."

           "Do you trust me?" I asked. "Loki, I'm well aware you know things that...perhaps you conceal. From this world. Frigga and Odin. Me. Will you trust me to explore the other side of that veil?"

           "There will come a time in your studies where the world might...expand. You're not ready for it yet, the time might come when you're still not. Spells you never imagined will unfurl. It'll be on you to engage it," Loki portrayed with his chest sinking, "you have to ask yourself what you long to do above all with magic. Want it more than anything. You'll have to stop believing in impossible things."

           "I just want to be strong enough to save everyone." My chest shuddered when the words slipped out, eyes intent and wide when my head shook.

           "Will that save you as well?" He'd wondered. Always so perceptive. My heart pricked. I couldn't answer it.

           "Maybe I just want to touch the world like ripples in an ocean," lips pressed with this hopeless sort of shrug. My hand came to steady on the counter next to me. The sentiment came out. Pure. "I want to be seen." Totally. "I want to be seen by all."

           "Then I suggest," Loki began, "when you find your specialty, light or darkness, you don't waste a second looking away from it."

           "Will I lose myself?"

           "It's possible," he replied because it happens to our type, "you might find yourself just as well. You have time to decide if that's worth it."

           "I suppose so." Brightening, I smiled again and changed my tone. "Until that time, I don't mind to fumble next to you in my studies." I tugged one of his belts to bring him in for a kiss. 

           "I wouldn't call this fumbling." Loki hushed against my mouth. "We'll continue after dinner."

           Hazed over still, I bit back a smile when he shifted to go but my arm instinctively stopped him. Loki peered down at me as the rain against the windows beat louder than my racing heart.

           “Forceful. Am I not allowed to go yet?”

           “Yes…” I exhaled before latching to his sleeve. “No.” My feet shifted awkwardly so I swallowed and stared up at him.

           "Use your words, sweetheart." Came the purr.

           “You’ve been really good with me. I just feel so...different. But, not. I-...I feel like a bigger version of myself these days.” I admitted quieter and Loki beamed a little. “Fandral says I'm honeymooning. I say I'm just enjoying it. I wanted…”

           “Yes?”

           “I’ve been wanting to do something for you.” My breath hitched with nerves. Loki’s full attention was on me, encouraging me to go on when he shifted to lean against the counter. My fingers curled into his sleeve. Smoothing the fabric. “I’ve been thinking about us. Um, together. It’s new to me, a lot of this. Mostly, the sex stuff. I thought we could try some things…” My eyes were anywhere but on his as I tried to explain myself. “Things that I know you really like and things that I can see myself liking because they’ll bring us together…closer. I get to experiment. Am I making sense?”

           “Rest assured,” Loki took my hand from his sleeve and held it. “I’m following what you’re saying.” Stepping closer to him, my dress brushed against his legs as he looked elsewhere and went on. “Tonight, I’ll ensure you’re able to…” Loki’s breath caught when I kissed his neck. “To…” He sighed, cupping the back of my head and I suckled, tracing my lips down the hollow of his throat with kisses. 

           “I have to…meet…father soon, oh,” Loki gave a soft sigh when my hand cupped him, rubbing through his pants. I longed so to be bold. One pulse and his body responded, Loki had to brace himself against the shelf, whining silently. “I’m going to…be late, sweetheart.” Pausing, I shifted back to look at him. Loki’s eyes were closed. He held to the shelf for dear life, the book dropping to the floor. “Don’t stop.” His purr caused me to press close, palming him again.

           “Don’t let them hear you downstairs.” I whispered into his ear, kissing his jaw lightly. Loki went rigid when I dropped to my knees before he could grab for me.

           “Oh? This?” He got the idea as I unlaced his pants, pressing my lips together. Drunk on these new sensations in my world. “Here?” The expression on his face was one I almost didn’t recognize. My fingers slipped and kneaded up along his inner thigh, causing him to shudder.

           “I’ve read that the thrill of being caught in public is exciting for sexual partners.” I was tugging at laces again while I stared up at him. “…Am I wrong?” Loki grew dumbfounded. Eyes marked by complete disbelief that flooded down his body. His lips parted to try to form words.

           “Well, yes…it is. But, I…you…?”

           “I thought…” I was slowing. “I thought you enjoyed the…pure risk of it all. I’m open to it.”

           “…You stated you read about this? Are you reading smut again?”

           “I’m trying to study good smut only…outside of our…physical meeting. The sex, I mean, sorry. I can say it, I’m just not good at explaining myself.” I pressed my cheek to Loki’s thigh, the leather heated against my skin.

           “Fucking,” he uttered under his breath and I sighed.

           “I’m embarrassing myself, aren’t it?”

           Green eyes were wild at me in response.

           “Gods, no… I’m… Well, the proof is rather close to you. Quite noticeable.” Yes, he was very clearly aroused in front of me. Carefully, I tugged another tie out with my teeth and his pants opened further to show the skin of his hips, lined elegantly. Biting into my bottom lip, I slid my fingers under his top and traced the contours of him down. The trail of hair barely noticeable.

           “Not clear enough,” I blinked, feigning a vague shrug. “Silly me, I’ve forgotten to ask. You want this, right? My mouth, I mean. We can do something else…if you wanted my hand or-” He pressed a finger to my lips to hush me.

           “You are incredibly-”

           “Don’t say cute and ruin the mood,” I pulled back to shoot him a hard look.

           “Charming, delightful, captivating,” he gave an easy shrug and I huffed.

           “Big words.” There was a beat. My head cocked, eyes inquisitive. “Seductive?”

           “Provoking,” he decided, eyebrows lifting briefly.

           “I can work with that.” My fingers pulled his clothing down in one motion, causing him to hiss. I didn’t offer a warning before taking his tip into my mouth. Nervous hands held to his hips and I used the shaft to keep anything else from slipping out my lips to further my awkward nature. 

           Music downstairs lifted above the exhale Loki released; I could feel his body tighten. The lean muscles turning to steel. Unable to look up at him, I swallowed him down a bit and gagged. Loki shuddered. Twitchy. Forced to release him, I suppressed my apology and continued again. Slower. Loki’s hand came down to grip my shoulder this time.

           “Teeth,” he warned. My utter of sorry muffled and vibrated around his girth. He bucked this time, causing my eyes to lift when I suckled the tip. Loki’s eyes had closed tighter, lips parted and suppressing any sound when my tongue slipped along his taut skin. 

           I had to make this natural, pleasure him, not be awkward, keep track of my teeth placement, and breathe at the same time. The damn books didn’t get into this. Still Loki responded, he’d tipped his head back and slowly worked his hips toward me. Arousal dripped against my tongue when I ran it along the small slit. 

           An ache pulsed down my core. Swirling along the head, I suckled again. Harder. He moaned and covered his mouth. Pride fluttered. Shifting back briefly, I wiped the back of my hand along my lips. Swelling and slick. 

           My mind was in twenty different places so I had to shove that all away and focus on a pace. When Loki’s fingers dug into my shoulder, I realized he was holding back so I let go of his hips briefly to guide his hand into my hair. Long fingers twisted around my curls and cupped the back of my head as if to gain some control here.

           I was willing to oblige. Arousal dripped from my chin when I reeled back.

           “You can pull it,” I whispered after coming up, my chest rose and fell. Heavier. Heart pounding against my rib cage. I imagined a bird fluttering inside. Loki’s mouth parted with a sigh before he tugged at me to angle my head up. My lips puffed to a pout before I reached to stroke him. Loki stared into my eyes, his hazed over with pleasure before I lifted to my knees again to take him into my mouth while I pumped my hand.

           “Mouth only,” his words caused me to hesitate before I took my hand from him to grasp his hips again. Just barely glancing up at him, I felt his hand start to pull me forward in sync with each shallow thrust. 

           The music in the air barely covered a moan before his free hand pressed to his mouth again while I sucked harder. Cheeks hollow. Taking him deeper. I could feel fire building within Loki. His hips began to buck roughly against me; my hands slipped under his shirt to touch and smooth over his body. Loki moaned again through his fingers this time. 

           “Almost.” He cursed me and I loved it. One thumb shifted over my cheek. Praising me. "You feel good, sweetheart. I'll bet you look divine too under those skirts. All wet and aching."

           My lips slid over his cock with ease, tongue tracing the rigid lines along it. I pressed my fingers into his skin when I started to gag on him again. Pulling back, I adjusted myself and kept up my pace as Loki began to build toward climax. Pride might have swelled within my chest this time when he gave the dirty utter of a curse before sighing my name like it was the echo at the end of a song. 

           I gave a whine I couldn't suppress. Playing with my prince. Mine. My tongue lapped against a little spot under the head that made him lose it. I didn’t breathe, eyes widening when his entire body seized and pulled me all the way forward. My throat gave a spasm. He spilled against my tongue and I stayed there, hand sliding to grasp his wrist. 

           When Loki had finished, I inhaled through my nose and pulled away. His fingers slid from me as I pressed my fist to my lips and swallowed his seed without thinking, licking traces from my lips before any could spill. Breathing heavily, I managed to peer back up at him trying to catch his breath. Big, watery eyes blinking. He looked properly fucked out and completely stunning. Loki had braced his body against the counter before lazily tucking himself back into his pants as I stood on shaken legs.

           My body froze when his green eyes narrowed on me.

           “Did you just swallow…?”

           “Yes.” I wiped my hand over my swollen lips again as we awkwardly regarded each other before I nodded and grabbed for my bag behind him. I didn’t know if he wanted to kiss me after that so I didn’t try, shuffling my feet. “Well…that was nice, ah...you’re welcome…” 

            Shit. Embarrassed, I turned and pressed my lips to rush off and down the stairs. Loki wasn’t behind me as I put my head down and made my way through the halls. Across the bridge to the dorms. I have no idea what I’m doing, of course that was obvious. I picked up a jog when I saw my room and stopped as a determined Loki stalked toward me from the opposite way.

           “I’m sorry…about that. If I did anything wrong, I mean.”

           “Hush,” he took my face and kissed me, pressing me against the door and making it a point to slide his tongue between my lips. Messy. Filthy. Signature. Loki tilted his head and planted another lingering kiss against my lips before releasing me. My bag slid from my shoulder and I barely caught it as I stumbled back and caught my breath. “Honestly sweetheart, you must stop running off before I can get a word in. I always kiss after. All right?”

           “Yes...yes,” I stuttered, near-silent, and tried to nod. Fluttering aimless. “Are the dorms unseasonably warm today? Just me?”

           “Hm. I’m late but I think we should skip dinner tonight. I’ll bring it up after the meeting and for dessert…I can do something you enjoy. In fact, I can even spend the night away on things we both enjoy. Yes?”

           Unable to speak, a giggle erupted from my lips before I buried my face in his chest. An obvious yes. Loki broke a little in turn as he watched me.

           “Right.” He tipped my chin for a lighter kiss. “Shouldn’t be longer than thirty minutes. Until then?”

           “Yes.”

           “And for the record, I love you and your mouth. You’ve no reason to be so nervous around me.” Loki waited until I agreed silently before he went on. “I want you to be comfortable when we’re intimate.”

           “I know, I love you. Go, I’ll see you after.” I straightened Loki’s clothing and tugged him in for a kiss this time. He smiled at me and turned to go before I spoke after ensuring no one was around. “Liked the way you tasted.” Loki’s head snapped back before he sucked in his cheeks.

           “You cannot make me later than I already am,” he smirked there, shaking his head before going off.

           “Just…giving you a reason to be back early.”

           “I’m in a relationship with you, I don’t need any other reason.” Loki waved without looking back at me before he turned the corner.

           My lips split into a grin in response. Full and complete.

           Days and nights. Loki and I. Routines. Training grounds. Magic lessons. Healing room. Always finding chances to look up at the sky and thank the stars twinkling there. I’d never been more alive. More myself and more not myself. This girl who swayed and flirted. This girl who still lived in daydreams. Who hid things she shouldn't have.

          Lost in my own perfect world made of smoking flits of magic. Vanilla buttercream kisses. I explored everything I could. Navigated this new world. My new relationship that still pulsed stardust under my skin. Reeling toward a great unknown that was my future. I vowed to astound the friends I longed to catch up to. Leave them in awe of me. My soul that I was building. So much more inside me now. I'd sing to myself reclined in the grass under a morning sun.

           Someday, someday...

           Daydreaming that soon I might be closer toward coveting eyes. Unlimited power. I'd be able to touch the world and be touched in return. Maybe it'd burn less if I could have an impact. Loki at my side.

           Weeks. Months. A year. 

           Not every day flowed smooth like honey. 

          “What are we doing today?” I watched Loki wave his hands, the curtains opened to illuminate the room. He seemed distracted by something so I waited patiently, glancing out the window. Sunlight glowed. 

         The inside training facilities weren’t used often but they were perfect for when he and I needed to meet out of the library for lessons. No one to bother us. Swift, Loki moved a book aside and turned to face me.

         “As a warrior, you realize what is at stake when you set foot on the field, yes?” He searched me.

         “Of course I do. I always have.” I replied and Loki’s eyes flickered over my face again before he turned back. Something unspoken hung over him.

         “Defensive magic today,” Loki opened a window and allowed some fresh air into the dusty space. "Your seidr is nearing maturity. You'll be ready for rune implantation soon. What is a ward and why do we use them?” He’d tested so I stood straighter.

         “A ward is a magical shield and…they’re used for blocking or absorbing spells…”

         “And?” He persisted so I thought for a moment. Eyes shifted to practice equipment in the corner. 

         “And they can even reduce damage from most physical attacks too…depending how strong they are cast.”

         “Correct,” Loki nodded. “Your simple ward will develop into a greater one with practice. You must be quicker in battle, you need to have your defense up before they even think to attack. You must be one step ahead at all times. Or you will fall.”

         Loki flicked his wrist and before I could move, I was sent back by a gust of sweeping energy, landing on my bottom. A groan puffed. I pushed up, moving my loosely braided hair behind my shoulder. Eyes lifted to his.

         “See?”

         “I get the point,” I grunted, standing and brushing off my pants while he moved, not smirking for once.

         “Cast your ward. Let me see it,” Loki moved behind me and I lifted my arms. “One hand only. Keep the other open.” Shifting, I used my left hand, fingers splayed out. Sparks prickled. I concentrated on the spell until the ward projected from me in a burst. Loki took my hips to position me. 

         “Plant your feet, be firm. Good.” Loki’s hand then touched my elbow before fingers slid up my arm and I settled my breathing. “Keep your arm steady, not rigid,” he muttered. I tried to be lax. Exhaling softer. “Better. Now relax your fingers, you don’t want them to shake.” 

         My ward expanded in turn. Shimmers of light rippling out wider.

         “Already better.” The ward glimmered same as sunlit glass. Sparkling. Expanding just a little further at my pushing. I did as I was told and his fingers grazed my own for just a moment causing me to bite the inside of my cheek. With the ward near-invisible, lined in a wavering glow, I held the spell until Loki circled me and signaled to stop. 

         “Good. Now we are going test it. Harder than usual. I will cast spells and it is up to you to defend yourself with the shield. As you understand, wards can either absorb the spell, or if you can create a greater one, they will deflect the spell to your advantage. Concentrate now. Save yourself.”

         “Right,” I nodded and exhaled so we both took steps backward from each other.

         Loki was the first to move, sending a spell when I twisted my body to bring the ward up. I felt a rush of warm wind but planted my feet like he’d said, holding strong. Loki nodded.

         “More,” he persisted. Teeth grit. I channeled my energy into the shield, feeling it grow stronger as Loki sent more spells. Shooting stars that exploded against me. "Push me back."

         Bracing, I brought it down when he paused; we circled each other before his hand swiped and I dodged, bringing up my shield again. Relentless spells cast with my quick feet skidding to catch each one. I felt my foot slide back and my arm shook. 

          Hold on, I told myself, fighting. Just push. Swiping to evade him, I struggled. Loki’s teeth bared. Blinding light flicked harder, my ward relented, sending me back. The prince didn’t stop, looking upset. He sent another spell, which I managed to avoid before I got my ward up to absorb the next.  

         “You have to give more. I am not your lover, I am an enemy and I will end your life! Focus!”

         “I am!” I growled out, sending a stronger ward up while Loki’s spells hacked away at me. Air rushed through the room, whipping my hair and he leapt forward as I jumped to the side when he shot another burst of raw energy. A practice target splintered behind my head. A flinch damned me.

         Projecting out, I felt my will waver and when Loki swept his hand, the ward burst. Furious he growled and cast one more spell that hit my chest directly. My joints went stiff and I hit the stone floor. Lungs seizing on dust.

         “Loki,” I puffed, eyes wide on the ceiling above. Fingers scraping at loose pieces of hay. “I can’t move m-my body.”

         Loki clasped his hands behind his back and approached, calm now. Fingers flicked. A blade soared, landing inches from my face. 

         “This is what is at stake,” he was standing tall over me and my lip trembled. Every single time I couldn’t hold my own during lessons, I felt like I’d disappointed him. Easy to beat myself up for it. But, he looked more upset than disappointed now while I tried to move.

         “What did…you do to me?” I rasped and Loki stepped over me before he knelt down to straddle my hips. “Ngh-Not funny.”

         “No, it isn’t meant to be. You've asked me about unsavory spells.” He paused, eyes trailing over my face when I attempted to twist and my fingers grasped at the stone under me.

         A snap and I gained the ability to move my upper body, puffing at him. My arm came up before he snatched my wrist.

         “Your enemy can do whatever they please with you. You belong to them." Loki touched my chin, his fingers sliding down my neck and my breath caught. I watched him, still feeling helpless. 

         The prince plucked up the blade and held it to my skin, cool against my throat. My chest sputtered.

         “You’re gone! You’re dead now! I have killed you because you could not protect yourself! I know you’re better than this.”

         “Loki,” I puffed, shaking while he set the weapon away. “I’ll learn. I get more powerful.” I'd sell my soul. I had to.

         “Magic is more than simple knowledge and power. It is emotion. It is control. It is will. It can be your life. If you do not have every single fiber of your being focused onto it, then that will reflect when you use it.”

         “If you want me here more and on the training grounds with the other warriors less, we could have discussed that.”

         “What?” Loki stood to get off me. "Do you think I'm punishing you for a pulled focus? You need to train in all of this. I'm well aware."

         “But, you think I’m using...my other training still as a safety net. Is that it? This isn’t a hobby to me, I want it to be my life. I will be a sorcerer alongside you. I’ll keep fighting. Soon all my training can come together. Blade. Magic. Arrows. All of it.” I frowned, trying to squirm until my limbs responded further so I pushed myself up. Eyes forced elsewhere. Legs twitching.

         “You do have a strong will but you need to concentrate, damn it. Or you will easily fall. Think about every single thing you could be protecting. Yourself. Your loved ones. Your home. Your very life is on the line and you need to treat it as such. Blades or magic. We are looked upon as gods but one wrong move and I could… we can still lose everything.” I saw Loki’s lower lip tremble for a moment before he set his jaw like he was holding back. Eyes searched him. 

         “This wasn’t for me. It was for you.” I realized. Loki snapped down to see me. "I'm not afraid, you are." 

         “Get your legs to respond and find me in the library. Think about what I said until then and we may continue.” 

         Frustrated, I watched him gather his things and go quietly. The point made itself clear.

** ** ** **

         Entering the library, I glanced around for the familiar black hair, passing a few groups of Asgardians by the shelves. Limbs still twitchy from the spell, I grumbled as I went. Up the spiral staircase. Weaved in and out of bookshelves until I found him setting away a few tomes. Loki didn’t turn but paused, book in his hand, shifting when he sensed me near.

         “Loki?” My voice hushed while I ignored the people talking on the floor below. He stayed in place when I approached him, settling a hand on his shoulder. I let my fingers touch his chin and compelled him to look at me but his eyes averted elsewhere. “Do you want to talk about what happened back there? We’ve been training together well over a year now. We have a lot of years coming. I trust that. I trust me. I trust you.”

         Loki allowed me to pull the book from his hands and set it down before I slipped between him and the bookshelf. His brow furrowed and I took his face in my hands.

         “What you said… You’re afraid of-”

         “It was a simple lesson, nothing more,” his eyes didn’t convince me.

         “It felt personal. You're not...like that,” I offered carefully and he caved a little, puffing.

         “If I cannot be an effective instructor, it could have dire consequences and I will not…” Loki paused abruptly and gathered himself, his voice shrunk. “…I will not…” 

         I didn’t wait for him to finish, standing on my toes to put my arms around his neck and embrace him. Loki’s shoulders sagged, arms stayed limp by his side but he allowed me to hold him a moment before I took his face again.

         “Look at me,” I requested before his eyes trailed up to meet mine. I could tell him I’ll never get hurt, never fall, in battle but that wasn’t reality. “You are a wonderful instructor and the best sorcerer in Asgard. Probably in all nine realms.”

         I smiled there, all encouragement before I continued.

         “But, you can also believe in me to protect myself. I’ve learned so much from you and even before magic, I could handle myself just fine. We're both new at this, it'll take time. Don't shortchange yourself. I wasted time doing the same thing. It's been hard some days to juggle my studies, but I know it'll fall into place.”

         Loki seemed to respond in silence to that so I continued. 

         “I’m already getting comments on the training grounds. That I’m faster after working with you. Just as you said once, these lessons take time and patience that we both have to give. Every spell I take into me, I feel it everywhere. I won’t stop. Not until...” I took his hand, thumb smoothing over the shine of his dark nails. He smirked lighter. “I’m in this and I need you. I value our hours more than anything and I want it to continue. Don’t worry about these things while we are together. It’ll only distract us.”

         “It is just that I… The fact of the matter is that no fear can compare to the thought of you in harm.” He confessed. “You. My brother. My parents. I must be strong enough. I must ensure the safety of our world. I’ll give anything.” 

         Something in his tone almost unsettled me.

         “You’ll have to trust us to defend ourselves too. The realms aren’t all on you.” My thumbs traced across his knuckles. Desire for more was such a strange thing that connected us. 

         "You're right," Loki met my eyes, head shaking, "I feel a responsibility to help you find your place in magic. I wish I could shed easier light upon it."

         “We'll find it. During our lessons, you are guiding me and I need you to trust me to follow. If…If I ever were to get hurt…or even fall in battle,” his eyes looked away again but I continued, “that will never reflect on you. Do you hear me?” I shifted, forcing him to meet my gaze again. “It will not be your fault, Loki. Besides, with you for a teacher now, I don’t think anyone in their right mind will mess with me.”

         I beamed again and saw the corner of his lips quirk up as my hands fell to his shoulders.

         “Trying the confidence thing now," I joked, "how am I doing?”

         “Well, you are persistent.”

         “I am.” I shrugged, both my hands over his and Loki glanced down before he looked at my face, spirits lifting. “What brought this all on?” The prince hesitated, scoffing when he spoke.

         “A nightmare has plagued my mind. I’m reading too much into it. Usually, I bother my Mother with such things.” 

         “You can bother the woman you’re courting too. I like it. So, what happens in it?”

         “I start in the weapon’s vault and there is blood…everywhere. Asgard is covered in snow and it’s so silent.” Loki’s voice pooled with distance. “The type of silence that comes after death. I am walking about the grounds, trying to help. Trying to figure what happened. It is useless… I see everyone I know and…” He paused, not finishing the thought. “Near the end, I look down at my hands and realize that they are covered red and I know somehow, I know that I was the cause. Damn Norns must be laughing at me.”

         “It…was just a bad dream. You’ve put everything into protecting your home. I know it weighs on you as prince and Thor's future head advisor,” I offered and he nodded. “You want our people to be safe in a future of our making and you deserve to feel it too. A moment of comfort in the shade. In this beautiful place we build together. It'll take all of us to move it along. I…I wish I knew the magic words to gentle your fears, but I can only offer my reassurance and love. Have you had this dream often?”

         “Just a few times in some length,” Loki replied, distracted. “Your reassurance and love are enough for me.”

         “Frigga, she taught me about a tonic that can give you a restful sleep. It’s in one of my books. If you like…”

         “I know of it…and I shall be fine,” Loki gave a convincing smile and I exhaled. 

         “I’m going to make one for you anyway and you can use it if you like,” I insisted until he chuckled finally, shifting forward so I was pressed between him and the counter. “Something for a rainy day.”

         “You really are far too persistent,” he watched me grin again. Green eyes trailed down my face.

         “Picked it up from you probably,” I shrugged so Loki leaned down to capture my lips, surprising me. Coming back to myself, I grasped at his clothing before he pulled away and our lips hovered. Contented. Hidden away in our corner of the world where we felt safe together. “What…was that for?”

         “I require a reason to kiss you?”

         “No,” I felt my face heat up while I giggled and had to avert my stare. Broad hands settled on my hips.

         “I wish I could portray how becoming it is to make such a beautiful woman blush. I always come back to that sentiment with you.” Loki exhaled against my mouth, kissing me softer once more. Deeper. Need sparked. I jolted when he suddenly pulled me from the floor and set me on the counter. 

         “If you must know,” Loki was standing between my knees, palms flat on the small of my back. Floating, I held onto his shoulders, “I am kissing you because I wished to.” Hands slid up my back and lips trailed across my jaw. “Because I needed to,” the prince pressed his mouth to my heated skin. Purring. “Because I am thankful for you.” Blissfully, I closed my eyes and sighed as he went on. “And because I simply desired you, as I usually do.” Loki kissed my neck and I tilted my head so he continued.

         “Loki…” I tried not to whine quietly, my hand surged up into his hair. “There are…a lot of people…downstairs.”

         “And?” He kissed my throat and I trembled when his lips parted, teeth grazing over the offered skin.

         “They will…oh…hear us.” I squeaked, shaken. Loki shifted to my other side, relentless lips nipped at a spot that made my fingers grasp to him tighter. 

         "What about the pure risk, sweetheart?"

         A thud caused us both to jump before I realized I’d knocked a book over. Exhaling, I hitched an easy snicker. Our foreheads touched and we caught our breaths. Bliss poured hot. Candied. Loki stood straight, looking much too pleased with himself and I pushed at his chest. 

         “We’re not done with magic for today, I hope you know that.” Fingers twisted at his collar. “I feel it building inside me the more I wield it. Near ready to burst.”

         “And for a moment, I thought I’d distracted you from the subject.” Teeth flashed. He pulled me in closer. Bodies flush. “There are...other ways I can soothe you. My dear, little apprentice.”

         “Afraid I’m going to be better than you one day?” I got off the counter and moved backward. Loki’s sly eyes bore into me.

         “You shall have to keep up with me first,” the cocky retort had me smiling with grace, sliding back farther.

         “No, you know what? Today, I’ll make you forget you even said that.”

         “I consent you to try, sweetheart.” Loki held out his arms and I narrowed my gaze.

         “Don’t believe me?”

         “You must prove it to me.”

         “Scared?” I took a defensive stance as I neared the balcony. “Those downstairs aren’t going to be happy with us,” came my idle comment. I eyed them a moment before I watched Loki, his hands clasped behind his back now.

         “Well then. Let's give them a show.” He didn’t seem to care, which did not surprise me at all.

         “Your move,” I smirked, shrugging and Loki’s hand shot out. Light whizzed. I got up onto the banister and jumped, landing on my feet below with ease. Grace. I could hear both the gasps from the others and the sounds of Loki jumping after me while I took off, laughing. 

         Energy swept past them in a billowing gust. Loki cast another spell and I twisted, my ward up to block it while I turned down a hallway.

         Playfully fighting throughout the palace hallways could get us both into trouble. The thrill of the chase was too good. Rounding a pillar, I stretched out my arm and swept a billow of curtains up to tangle him. Vines crawled up over the archway, missing him as he caught his balance and untangled.

          Green and violet light clashed together. His next spell was absorbed by my shield so I cast back. Loki leapt out of the way and shot it right back at me. When I pricked sparks at his feet, Loki sent up a ward and gave me a mocking look of surprise.

         “Trying to harm a prince during a spar now too? I can have you punished for that.”

         “I seem to remember you paralyzing me not long ago. You'll be giving me that spell tome, I assume? Unsavory or not, I want it.” We circled each other and Loki’s gaze narrowed.

         "Perhaps." He scanned me. "Maybe I like corrupting you."

         I brought up my shield instinctively and the prince chuckled.

         “Maybe I want to be corrupted. And what punishment would the noble prince see fit?”

         “How about ten lashes?” Loki was smiling and I rolled my eyes as he went on. “On each cheek.” Not hiding my gasp at the nature of his comment, I scrunched. “Not to worry, I’ll only use my hand.”

         “You know that stuff doesn’t even surprise me anymore in public coming from you.” I sent a spell that he easily swept aside.

         “Because you know me well or you enjoy our little trysts as much as I do?”

         “Our spars are-”

         “I was not referring to the spar anymore.”

         “Ugh! You’re a terrible, rotten prince!” I fought the amusement. Light flicked. One burst after another. Ward up as he countered. Face and body in flames.

         We ran down another hallway and I jumped from one pillar to another, twisting to send sparks mid-air that just barely missed him. Skidding to a halt, I had my shield up and his spell was bounced back to him. Loki smacked into a pillar lightly and looked caught off guard for once, to which I smiled, proud.

         “Ha! Scared yet?"

         "Absolutely terrified." He shifted his stance. "Just wait until I get my hands back on you. You'll purr like a kitten."

         "You can’t go two minutes without embarrassing me with your little remarks, can you?”

        “A fair fight could be made for three minutes.”

        “Ha ha,” I mocked and we circled each other again, an attendant down the hall spotted us and went the other way. “I’m getting much better this new year already and you know it.”

         “We both know this is going to end with you on your back, sweetheart.” He leered and I glared at him, amused while I rolled my eyes. “Preferably under me.”

         “You little-” I didn’t finish, my spell grazing past his head and he chuckled. “Those aren’t appropriate remarks for such a wise and noble prince of Asgard.”

         “I take far too much pleasure out of you blushing so easily. Among other things.”

         “I am not blushing! I'm in a righteous fury!” I countered pathetically. Feet took off down another hallway. Spells flew back and forth as more passers evaded us; one of Loki’s knocked over a decorative tapestry that I had to dodge before it covered me. Magic swept it up toward him so I could run forth. More sparks erupted protectively.

         “Oh, your pretty face is still so very heated,” he mocked as I breathed heavier, holding my ward up with newfound vigor.

         Loki leapt for me, missing when I dodged. Down along the row of pillars. I slipped past him so the battle resumed through the hallway. Bright sun shone down past the curtains. Loki’s next spell caused me to lose my footing and I fell to one knee, casting another back that stopped him from catching me. 

         I bounded down the hall, turning a corner and hid behind one of the many statues when the sound of Loki’s steps approached. Careful footwork. Time slowed. I dove out and went through him, landing on my knees with a gasp. The clone fluttered. Predictable.

         “Nice try,” I twisted my torso and shot a spell that caused the real Loki to fall backward fully as he tried to sneak up on me. Quicker, I got on top of him when he blinked in a slight daze. “You think I’m not used to your usual tricks now? Loki,” I leaned closer to him so my voice hushed, “you should know me better than that, sweetheart.” 

         “You make falling in love easier by the hour.” He stopped me, head tilting. “I’m being sincere.”

         “Dreamy prince with all the right words.” I sat up, straddling him. “One day I’ll convince you to teach me those illusions, by the way. Now, I won-ah!” Loki flipped us over with ease and smacked me against the floor. “Hey!”

         “You do know that I am still faster than you.” His smirk was infuriating and with magic, I flipped us over after.

         “You were saying?”

         Loki rolled us back and then I did the same until we were a mess of spells flying and two people scrambling around on the floor. Finally, I landed on my side. Legs around his hips. Puffing. Loki’s face went blank as he glanced up behind me. Both of us paused and I turned my head to see the stoic face of the Queen staring back. Loki’s lips parted and he realized the position we were in.

         “Mother-”

         “Your majesty-” We both began at the same time, trying to untangle from each other. I heard chuckles from Thor was standing behind his mother but Frigga wasn’t too amused. Mortified, I stayed on my knees and bowed so Loki stood, smoothing his hair back.

         “I hear a commotion and follow a messy trail of scorch marks to find you two fooling around like this inside the palace? You know better than to conduct yourself this way, Loki.”

         “Please, it’s my fault, I started it,” I offered, my hands on my chest. The three royals looked to me but Frigga shook her head as Loki spoke.

         “No, it is not, she-”

         “Loki is your instructor and therefore held responsible and…” Frigga paused and we all realized Thor began laughing harder now. “Thor! Contain yourself while-”

         “Forgive me,” he sputtered, his broad smile apparent and I wanted to grin at him. “Mother, you cannot possibly-”

         “If your father had caught them, he would not appreciate the display.”

         “Frigga,” I stood slower. “I am sorry…we got a bit ahead of ourselves and we’ll clean up the mess.”

         “A bit?” She raised an almost amused eyebrow. “When I spotted you two, I did not initially think you were both battling.” I flushed again and pressed my lips together, glancing down.

         “Sorry…” I squeaked and Thor was chuckling once more. Louder. I spared Loki a glance when I realized he was quiet. Noticed, to my surprise, that the rare color of pink had tinted his cheeks. Though, it didn’t shock me that Frigga had brought this out of him.

         “Behave while you walk the palace halls,” she spoke to Loki. “You don’t want your father or his many advisers to see you in that state with your only student. We worked hard to shift her studies.”

         “Forgive me, Mother,” Loki bowed his head, respectful. “They shall not. For what it’s worth, my pupil has surpassed my expectations of the day.” Bashful, I accepted that with more grace.

         “Thank you.” I winked with a little endearing shrug. “Great student, great teacher.”

         Thor made this loud groan at our flirting.

         “I suppose that much is good.” Frigga mused. “From now on, hold any more spars like this one outside the palace and clean up the mess with haste. I will leave your father out of it.”

         “Yes, Mother,” the side of Loki’s lip curled up and he kissed her cheek lightly.

         “Do I not get one too?” Thor tilted his head and Loki glared, amused.

         “Oh, I’ve something for you, fool,” one palm rose and lit up, causing Thor to step back while it drew close to his face. Green and gold sparks teased at him.

         “Boys!” Frigga chided. “Do I need to watch you both all day to stop you from causing a ruckus and embarrassing us?”

         “No, Mother,” both brothers stated at the same time, the light around Loki’s hand snuffed out.

         “Come, Thor,” Frigga pointed and Thor obediently followed. “Loki, stay out of trouble.”

         “I shall try my very best,” Loki beamed and I snickered light when the Queen shot him a look and turned to go.

         “Wait, may I ask you both something?” I stopped them, shuffling my feet. “So…from what you saw…who won?” I grinned as Frigga and Thor shared a look.

         “Seemed to be a tie,” Thor decided and the queen nodded, entertained now. They turned down the hall so I looked back at Loki behind me.

         “A tie.” I grinned with some pride. “Look who’s inching up to you.”

         “You have a large supply of magic and much to learn about wielding it. But, I'll give you the point because I'm so generous.” Loki gestured so I followed him. He waved one hand to clean the mess. “I can see the elemental is favored. Sparks and vines. Still working near the pond to bend water?”

         “Yes, I suppose. Fire is harder. I wouldn’t say I’m passionate about it.” I shrugged. “Easy end of spells that can be used in combat. Way to get creative. Bend the natural elements to my will. I’m just...feeling this out until something clicks.”

         “Did you have anything planned after our lesson?” Loki swept a hand over his hair.

         “Today? No, actually.” I peered at the sun glittering in. Warm enough on my face.

         “The warriors wanted to spend the evening swimming.”

         “Might be nice with the heat today.” I felt for his hand and we walked on into the gardens. “Our usual lake?”

         “No, ocean. Bigger party-”

         “Oh, oof, I just remembered. I told Vada I’d lounge with her ladies this evening.” I slipped from Loki, swallowing nerves. “I have to clean up and change. Get down there before sunset because we, ah, wanted to watch it and eat sweet things.”

         “The court ladies? How close are you to Gerta?” He winced when I broke to laugh at him. 

         “She only says good things. You’re not the only topic of conversation, my prince.” I winked. Thrilled as he sweated the fact that I was friends with his past sweet lovers. “Go swim with the warriors.”

         “You should come,” Loki pulled me into his chest, purring. “Put on something shorter and tighter.”

         “Ah, I can’t. I’ve already put Vada off a few times. Next time.” I pecked Loki’s mouth, unable to slip away just yet. “What?”

         “You always refuse to swim with us in the ocean. Barely slipping into the waters even when we frequent our lake.” Loki fiddled with my curls, too inquisitive and observant.

         “Can...Can we talk about this after?” I took his hands from me to hold them. Eyes shifting. Feet following suit because my nerves swayed up and down my frame. “I don’t want to lie.”

         “So, don’t.” His voice lowered, moving to bring us under a row of apple trees. Golden fruit sparkling from every branch. A hedge maze beyond them. Loki’s hands ran up and down my arms, coaxing.

         “It’s embarrassing.” Dark eyes turned from his that caught the sun to gleam. Flitting between delicate leaves. Wind rustled.

         “You...You can’t swim.”

         “No, I can...maybe not well. I’m…” A huffed hitched, face scrunching. “I’m afraid of it. Deep water. Sinking. I seize up and I’ve made it this long without many knowing.” My hands left him to rub at my neck. A sigh left me. “I don’t want to say more right now.”

         Loki seemed to take that in and process. Blinking before he pulled me closer again.

         “And I don’t want the others knowing that I’ve been alive for a few thousand years and I’ve courted battle but I clam up in deep water. It’s silly.” I frowned. “A childish fear that never left me. Gods aren’t supposed to be afraid of anything.”

         “Gods are terrified of everything to some degree.” He eased. “We’re the highest power, it adds pressure. A standard.” Loki kissed my temple to soothe me. “You don’t have to say anything more. After your dinner and evening with the court women, sneak off to my chambers.”

         “Sounds like you have something new planned.”

         “I might, just need a little research first.” He smiled, elated because he loved getting lost in the depths of the library for any reason. “I have something to do before and after dinner now. Trust me?”

         “I do.” Inching on my toes, I kissed him. Arms slipped around Loki’s neck. The apples could have tumbled down and I wouldn’t have cared. “You won’t cast me back to the main training ground full time for this, will you? Back into the battle line behind Thor and his battalion.”

         “Thor can have all of Asgard,” Loki professed, eyes on mine while he held me close. Voice lowering. Another kiss under the glint of gold apples melted us together. “But you, you’re mine.”

Chapter Text

         Strings plucked somewhere in space. Reclined against massive plush cushions, I watched stars begin to paint the sky. Moons unveiling against a pale blue. We basked in an open stone area near the rose gardens where the court ladies liked to perch themselves to play and watch passing warriors. The sunset drew us all into bleeding watercolors.

         “Finally taking us up on our offer to relax,” Vada mused, my eyes lifted to see her hovering above my head. Braced with her elbows on the pillow. Women in their flowing dresses lazing about like cats. A few scattered the grass beyond the stone floor. Others braided hair and did idle projects. Sewed. Read books. Played the day away.

         “You were right, I needed it,” I let her feed me a raspberry, thumb brushing my lips. “How did you end up at court?”

         “My parents passed away long ago when I was just a child. War.” Vada began while savoring a strawberry. "I lived on the street for a while. Snuck around and did odd jobs...nobles would hire me to find information because children are so ignored by adults. And coin ran out. Jobs ran out too in my travels. I became a little pickpocket when I was a teen.”

         “I love this part of the story,” Gerta, a pretty girl with dark skin and grey eyes leaned over a pillow on her elbows. Peeling an orange. Citrus filling the air like a balmy summer.

         “Let’s just say, I picked the wrong pocket. Queen Frigga herself in the markets wrapped up in a cloak and scarf. She grabs my hand and watches me twist like a fish out of water,” Vada came up to laugh. Other ladies nearby followed. Bunch of sirens in deep waters. “She then hires me into her ladies instead. She enjoyed my wit and my...listening skills around the palace. I eventually worked my way to court and here we are.” 

         “So, do you ladies just quietly enjoy having all this power and knowledge in your back pocket?” I spoke in jest, earning matching smiles around me. “You have dirt on every passing noble. On Elders. Royals and nobles. Higher up warriors. I’d be afraid.”

         “It just keeps the days interesting,” Gerta shrugged, sighing to stretch in her cushion. "We've nothing on you of course, we just like you. Mysterious as you might be. All your shared and found secrets will be safe with us if they reveal themselves."

         "Mysterious, ha, I'm a bore," I bit into a red cherry and licked the juice from my lip.

         "Never a bore," Vada chided. Another woman came into the archway fussing in a huff. Tove. An angelic one for sure with white-blonde hair.

         “Erikur’s hands are like serpents. Always trying to stop me and flirt when I'm busy,” she practically tore off her dress to get into the bathing pool under a fountain in the corner. “Silly drunk, if only he knew where I'd come from. He should go home to his wife.”

         “He only likes the fair skin ladies but if he knew about your roots, he'd just die,” Gerta piped up with a giggle, standing to go join her. Moving to hike her skirts up and let her legs slip into the crystal clear waters. “If he calls me dark chocolate again, I’ll choke him with it.”

         “I’d pay you to watch,” I added. Gerta smiled at me for that, winking. “Can’t imagine the gossip on him. Must be too easy with all the boasting he likes to do.”

         “Calder is the hardest one to crack. He ignores us and prattles on about official things,” Vada went for another strawberry, “and it’s a show. I see this intent look on his face when backs are turned. The old man routine is a mask. He knows more than he lets on. Definitely a plotter.”

         “Calder?” I repeated. “I always thought Torvar was the quiet plotter.”

         “They all are. Bunch of bigoted, prudes.” Gerta kicked her legs in the water. “Some of them are from before Bor’s time. Can you believe that? King Odin got left with them and has not changed it. Not like his sons swear to. I'll bet they're sweating the change in leadership.”

         I blew a curl from my face, indulging in berries from a plate Vada scooted closer. Fingers and lips tinting to blush.

         “They say Erikur spawned the vote against the dark elves. They say any elven prisoners kept after the war died mysteriously under his watch. He used to be the warden before he joined the council. Calder was a warden with him and after as well.” Tove mused, swimming around. Unbothered by her nakedness because she’d had a successful transition years ago and she loved herself dearly. She dipped back to wet her hair and sighed.

         “You follow elven history closely, Tove. More should,” I remarked. She hummed and came to the edge to smile at me. Teeth unsettlingly sharp and white.

         “My great grandmother was an elf from Alfheim. Few know that. They even clipped my ears as a baby because they were pointed just slightly. Didn’t want me to look different. They’re so sensitive. I shiver when men kiss near them. If only Erikur knew I was the descendant of an elf. To Hel with him. He's fun to toy with for that fact and his secrets will be mine,” she put a finger to her lips and sank under the water. 

         “Elves live in Asgard. Among other races. People with fur and scales. People who tower like giants. Closed societies mostly due to treaties. I suspect many of us are of mixed race with Elves and other beings. Though you’d never know. The years are so long for us.” Vada suckled a raspberry from her pointer finger, eyes flicking to see me and narrow. 

         “What’s that look?”

         “You have some coloring and features in you not like the other warriors. Something just under your skin or those too big eyes. Maybe those magical genes are swimming with something more. Hm? You're just waiting for a charge in those natural born abilities, aren't you, darling? Strange that your parents don't have the same magnitude.”

         “My family history is as boring and straightforward as they come. Many Asgardians suppress and smother their magic, I got lucky. For once.” I giggled, eyes rolling. “I remember Thor and Loki had this one tutor when they were children... I used to see her coming and going. Scales all over her body that had this...iridescent shimmer in the sun. I think she taught history. They'd go study in the forbidden art galleries in the palace. I dream of seeing those rooms.”

         “Gerta, do you remember the representative advisor that used to visit from Nidavellir?” Tove flicked water from her hair, coming to the side again. “Such an odd flirt, that dwarf. He was head over heels for you.”

         “Yes,” she recalled, almost wistful, “he would always make me trinkets for my bracelet.” A slim wrist flashed it. Silver charms all over from his every visit. A long sigh left her. “I hope he visits again soon. If he asked, I'd be his.”

         “World’s more interesting with some added color and shapes in it,” Vada sighed back, shifting down to recline by me when I fell into the cushions again. I looked around at the ladies chattering, admiring the mood. Contented. Strange and safe place for me. “If you need information as you navigate these grounds as Loki’s paramour...you know where to find us.”

         I beamed at her. 

         “I’m sure I’ll be taking you up on that offer as I go,” I pushed up, “but I need to meet Loki. It’s well after sunset. Another time?”

         “We’d love to have you for dinner again,” Vada gave my skirt a playful tug, “and dessert.”

** ** **

         Loki’s door was unlocked after knocking. He called to me from the other side, scrolls and books spread open on his desk. I hurried to cross the room, draping myself into his lap for a kiss. The second deepened and had him humming.

         “In a mood?”

         “I just had a nice time with the ladies.” I cupped his face to steal more, let him taste the fruity twang on my tongue. “What have you gotten into?” I turned my head to see his overflowing desk. Loki mumbled something, lips lost upon my jaw and throat. Hands laced around my hip to bring me further in. We both were sighing in sync. Loki distracted himself with my perfume.

         “Something for you,” he gave my hip a pat so I adjusted on his thigh. Unworried that I was a fuller girl above him. I leaned over the desk with him to see Loki pluck a book over, turning to a tagged page. Fingers spread to trace the writ. “Mother taught me this spell as a boy. She was intent on it and I never knew why. I'd never seen her so...insistent about such a silly spell before. Perhaps she feared the depths once as well or lost another to it. It’s one of the few spells she made Thor sit and learn as well.”

         “Ah, must be personal,” I remarked, eyes scanning.  “Breathing underwater…” I recited and Loki nodded slowly. “Because of my issue.”

         “With everyone wrapped up elsewhere, I figured we could take a trip to our lake and have a late lesson. It’s not difficult. Uncomfortable at first.” Loki tipped his temple to my shoulder, hand smoothing my back. Gentle fingertips that drew runes into me.

         “I don’t want to disappoint you.” Eyes turned to see him there.

         “Impossible.” Loki gave me another pat so I shifted and he stood up. “Read the tome and think it over. I shall be there with you, you’ve no reason to fret. It is up to you if you'd liked to learn it. No pressure, I just think it'll help.”

         “Alright,” I took the tome, nodding. I wanted to try for him and myself. The whole thing was a thoughtful gesture. Beautiful how Loki used magic to express love.

         “Read that while I prepare.”

** ** **

         “I’m having second thoughts again,” I watched the moonlight play off fresh water. Smooth ripples echoing out. Loki set his things down by a tree and watched me a moment as my hands shook. Digits lacing tight together.

         “I have not ever seen your fear up close.”

         “For good reason,” I muttered. “Good at hiding for a big girl.” A sound left his nose at my word choice, clearly not approving.

         “Will you tell me how it began?” Loki requested then and I paused to see him there. Glowing almost under the light of the moon. 

         “It’s not very original. When I was young…I was pushed into the deep end of a lake far from here. Frantically, I clawed and struggled but I only sunk to the bottom. I’ve never seen darkness like that anywhere before. The scary thing about drowning is how still and quiet it is when it's happening. Like there are weights on every limb. Luckily, your mother… Well, she was traveling across the grounds with some ladies at the time. It was Frigga who pulled me out, ruined her dress in the process. At first, I thought it was a Valkyrie taking me to Valhalla. I got swept up in a billow of magic. Into her arms.”

         “Where were your guardians?” Loki asked. Shame averted my eyes.

         “Who do you think pushed me in?” I watched his lips part. “They were trying to teach me, grew frustrated by my unwillingness so I was forced in by my father and it was expected that I get it together as my survival instincts kicked in. Which didn’t work. My mother wanted to stop it but was too afraid of my father and she was pushing him but he held her from getting to me. That was the first time I saw her really fight for me. Throws me off when she does it.”

         “And my mother saved you.” 

         “Yes. The Queen was traveling. They stopped to stretch their legs. Frigga got me out. I remember this look in her eye. This haunted sort of expression as if she'd seen this all before. My parents played it off and I went along with them, saying that I’d fallen in by accident. I couldn’t tell you what Frigga thought. She offered to take care of me for the day to clean me up; heal the scratches I’d gotten.

         “Your parents must have been thrilled. Catching the queen's eyes.” 

         “They were. Especially when Frigga stated she wanted me to play with her boys. I wonder now if they did it on purpose to get her attention somehow…I don’t know. After Frigga cleaned me up, she led me outside for a walk. I met the King which was very exciting for a little girl from my village." My hands relaxed when a grin pulled. "Your father was clad in the most beautiful armor I'd ever seen, like a knight from a fairy tale. He came to my level with a smile and kissed my hand. I'd never had an older man be kind to me before.” 

         Recollections had me wistful. Loki's lips parted as if he wanted to comment but decided against it.

         “I was scared but he was so gentle to me. They made me feel safe. Like magic. Frigga later took me to meet her sons, playing with the other little warriors, ironically near a pond. The mighty willow tree. The youngest was sitting by himself under that tree, reading a book that looked much too large for his small body.” I beamed a little at Loki. "I remember him most."

         “That was the day we met.”

         “Yes," I nodded, “and it ended up being such a wonderful day but after, I had nightmares about falling under the water. Not being able to come up for air. Stuck in the dark with no air while nothing I did could get me to the surface again. Since then, every time I’m deep under the water, the same terrors come flooding back. I find darkness to be nurturing these days with the eyes around us, to be honest. But, often it feels like something is waiting in it for me.”

         "This spell could help remedy some of your fear, if only a bit,” Loki stepped toward me. “Focus on it. You need to see the spell clearly for it to work. Granted it only lasts a certain number of minutes depending on you. If you get frantic then it will not cast. But, you have to get into the water.”

         “I’m afraid.” Honesty quelled as I winced to shut my eyes. “Will you get in with me?”

         “Yes and I won’t let you go. You must put your trust in me. In yourself. Not into your fear. Look at me,” the prince waited until I opened my eyes, letting out a shuddered breath. “Do you trust me? Can you trust yourself, if for only a few moments? You can be afraid all you please, but you have to believe in your magic with that.”

         “Yes,” I whispered, nodding to affirm it. "I can do it."

         “Come,” Loki beckoned for me to follow him toward the edge. Trees rustled as the wind swept past softer over grass. Gentle sighs upon the air. He waved a hand, his clothes fading to something simpler that he could get into the water in. 

         Metal pieces dropped to the grass. I only pulled the outer layer of my dress off and left it in the pile, inhaling sharply before I let out the breath and kicked my shoes off. Loki had sat on the edge to ease himself in and I stood there a moment before he was bracing himself on the side. Holding out his free hand to me. 

         There was a beat before I knelt down and took his hand firmly, allowing my legs to slip into the cool water. Shift soaked and sticking. Trembling, I permitted Loki to guide me in while my heart began to pound harder. Water at chest level. Pushing into my frame.

         Felt like I was suffocating already. A gasp hitched out, hands latching around his shoulders. He wrapped an arm around my waist. Not able to touch the floor, I floated with him a moment, my breathing sporadic. 

         “Shh, take time to relax yourself. Breathe slower with me. Feel the water around you. You command it, not the other way around. Just another elemental spell.” 

         Eyes shut tight. The water moved around us and I buried my face into his neck. Loki waded and kept us up with grace.

         “Loki,” I whimpered, shaken. Recalling my mother's cries. The way my vision blurred as I sank down. Down. Down.

         “I am here. I have you,” came his comfort.

         Memories also flashed the swell of warmth. Frigga's magic curling around my limbs. Pulling me from the empty depths. I tried to set myself at ease, taking slower breaths before I moved to look back up at him. I had him. I had me. I had magic. Building. Fear melted. Loki’s patience and manner gentled my nerves.

         “I…I’m alright,” I focused on my breathing and his arms around me so the prince nodded.

         “Feel the spell with me and I’ll bring us under,” his voice drew tender. “Know that I will keep us under until I believe you really cannot handle it anymore. Trust that I know your limits. It’s uncomfortable at first. Give my hair a tug and I’ll bring us out.”

         Magic could cocoon me in a safe web. I closed my eyes again, exhaled carefully, and opened them. Glancing up at the moon, I spoke.

         “Do it,” I nodded slower, concentrating. Taking in a final gulp of air, Loki pulled us under and still darkness engulfed me. 

         My first reaction was to panic, which I did but Loki held me with ease. I kicked a little to get away. His grip became steel. Trust him, I told myself. Trust yourself. Cold darkness flooded the spaces around me. Encased me in fear. In wonder. In that same great unknown I’d come to court like a lover.

         Breath held, I opened my eyes and made out the blur as I adjusted, trying to concentrate. Nothing worked yet. My lungs burned. Body desperate to resurface but Loki wasn’t letting me. Bubbles flitted and my hair unfurled.

         Starting to push against him, I shook my head furiously, ready to seize and scream. Something lit up and I realized Loki was emitting light from his hand, the green light illuminated his face and some of my fear melted away. He already had a handle on the old spell, mouthing a word. Inhale.

         He shifted, arm leaving me but he grabbed my hand in his before I could panic further, our fingers laced. I lifted my free palm and lit up the area more as a sort of center for me. Unable to bear it, I shut my eyes and opened my lips. The spell in every cell in my body. Unfurling through all my synapses. Up my chest and throat.

         My lungs heaved and I expected water to enter them. Fresh air followed.

         I’m…oh gods. A sort of filtered veil wove over my expression. I was breathing. I did it. Eyes opened. Another strange inhale under the depths. My clothes and hair floated around me as I smiled, the spell working. Security with it. Pride as well. Magic made me more alive than anything in this life. Better than any battle.

         Loki nodded before he gestured for us to go up. Kicking my legs, we both resurfaced and I shook out excess water.

         “I did it! I… Gods, I did it. It didn't hurt either. It's like spinning air into gold.” I flicked wet hair away from my face as I held onto Loki with one hand, the light in my other going out but he kept his illuminated to better see everything.

         “You have stopped shaking,” he observed and I grinned. Excitement soared before I dove at him, arms slipping around his shoulders. We went back under together, the spell doing the work. Little faster this round. In the light, I could see his face while I moved black hair from it. No fear this moment. Not resisting the urge, I kissed him as we floated there. Stars waiting to fall. Peace lingered. 

** ** **

         “Which realms have you actually gotten to explore? You left a few times when we were barely teens. Whisked away with Thor and Odin.” Wrapped up in a large blanket, I tipped my head to Loki's bicep. We huddled together in the grass after a while of practicing. Loki changed his clothes with magic and dried me. Bodies relaxed on the soft ground to watch the stars above and I sighed, content. Counting them. Wishing always.

         “A few of them. But, not as much as I would have liked to. Alfheim, of course. Nidavellir is actually...quite stunning. Great stone architecture and machinery. Weapons that are unique and unmatched. I wonder about Muspelheim. If it looks how it does in our books. Mostly Vanaheim above all, their gardens are a beauty. Diplomatic meeting with father and such. Celebrations for days last time.”

         “Yes, I remember that. You and Thor were gone for a few weeks. Hogun must have enjoyed it, seeing his family again.”

         “Their architecture is truly elegant. I still remember those talks of marriage. Princess Sigyn was likely toiling as well. She’s, ah, a fiery independent sort. We send the occasional letter and she made it very clear that she needs no husband to ascend to that throne.”

         “That was rough for you and Thor. You can’t go off and get married without me now, huh,” I chuckled with him for a moment, lifting so our eyes could meet. The implication hung in the air but neither of us remarked. My head nestled against Loki’s shoulder. Firebugs wove above us. Dancing about the grass and trees. Pulsing illuminations.

         “Mother would never allow it now. Though, if Thor does not find a wife when he becomes king, one day he could find himself in that situation. It is hard to picture him in such a thing. Husband and father.”

         “Did you ever want the throne, Loki?” I asked with little reluctance. Only curious. Inching up, I cast my eyes along his regal profile.

         “Somehow it has always belonged to Thor,” came the most truthful answer Loki could think of. “I’ve thought of it. What it might be like to stand there in the light. While they marvel and adore. I’ll always want more. I know that I shouldn’t.”

         I’d remember such a sentiment down the line. 

         “The throne is simply not where I see myself thriving. I will stand at my brother's side and be happy there with him as head advisor. There is so much more to be seen in these realms. I plan to know and explore every inch of them. Being bound to a chair.” Loki scoffed to himself. “Constantly having to please and listen to those old diplomats. Nobility. It’d bore me. I long to explore and strategize. Strengthen Asgard in other ways. Thor can have it and I, the first step to his right.”

         “You both will make great leaders for Asgard. No more Elders. Open courts. Making Asgard a place where we all can thrive no matter how we look. What we do. Where we come from. Protecting the realms when they ask for our aid. Setting a better example. We can do that without war or bigotry. Thor needs you.”

         “Tell me something I do not know,” he laughed and I smiled up at the sky. "I know father's faith in his Elders has weaned. The old ways have died. He fears what chaos will follow a change in our government. However needed."

         I declined to comment on that part.

         “Something you don’t know. Hm. You need Thor too, my prince. Balance is important,” I spoke and he hummed so I said something else. “That spell you found. It means a lot to me… Doing this was thoughtful of you. I know magic won’t wish away my fears but I’m comforted in...in how it lets me face them. How it supports me when I do.”

         “We all must face our fears at some point,” Loki muttered gentler, voice distant. “Magic is a tool of support and therefore a perfectly fine way to navigate battle.”

         "Yes, it is and it always will be."

         We watched the sky for a moment before I shivered, holding my cover around my body.

         “I’m cold.” I sat up. “Let’s go in. Warm each other up.”

         “It is not very cold.”

         “The cold never gets to you. I don’t get it because I’m bigger, I should be warmer.” I watched him smirk and shrug. 

         “The night is still young.”

** ** ** **

           We trekked back to Loki’s chambers, pushing along the walls for kisses. A hand reached behind me, twitching to start a fire and warm the space up. 

           “Want to undress you,” I tugged for more of him, “no magic.” Loki hitched a chuckle and looked down while I fought with belts. 

           “Bath?” He dragged me along into the sleek room. Water ran behind him. “I haven’t let a lover undress me properly before.”

           We both paused to chuckle there. I slipped a few layers from his shoulders, drawing my fingers down his pale chest. Loki tipped his head to nudge into mine. 

           “Can I keep you, sweetheart?” He professed with little air in his lungs. Butterflies soared up my stomach. Into my rib cage so they could open and close their wings against my heart. Perfect fluttering beats. Edging up on my toes, I kissed him again.

           “I’m all yours.” I let him paw at me to relieve me of my dress. Fabric pooled. “Dim the lamps.” He paused to see my eyes and I shifted. “It’s just romantic.” Lamplight went low. Magic added oils and bubbles into the steaming pool in the floor.

           Loki tilted my jaw to kiss along my neck, peeling the rest of my clothing off. I slipped from him and got in first. Dipping low in the water to cover my body. He stood before me. Elegant in the moonlight.

           “You’re the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen,” I sighed there in my hazy dreams. Beckoning like a siren.

           Water rippled and the prince joined me. Drew closer to hold me against him on the seat. Squirming, I pulled wet curls over my shoulders. Loki hummed there, hands on my shoulders to knead until I moaned. Arms crossed over the side to let him pamper me. We seated against the side to relax and watch the starlight twinkle. Celestial bodies bound together. 

           “I only consider myself the luckiest man.” Lips ghosted my spine until I broke to smile. Between kisses, we explored each other. Smoothing hands along contours and curves. I nestled into him, head nudging under Loki’s jaw. Under the water, his hand shifted up over my hip. And along my stomach. 

           “I…” My frame gave this little snap away. So back and forth about my size next to him. “I have a new nightgown I want to wear for you. Left it in my section of the closet.” Loki reclined to put his arms up to watch me get out. Eyes that devoured and revered me. Eyes that scared me all the same when they drank my nakedness in. 

           Drying and fragrant of roses, I hurried out to go slip on fresh silks and laces. I heard Loki moving around his room from the closet and poked my head out. He turned from his seated position in bed to see me draped along the doorway. Posing and sultry. Trying my best at least. A light chuckle pulled at the theatrics.

           “Come here, sweetheart.” The phrase that made my heart flutter and sing. Loki almost always uttered it before bed. Lamps were dimmed and the galaxy blazed with hovering moons and stars just outside. Asgard hushed around us. Wove a gentle lullaby with caressing winds. 

           Unable to still, I hurried under the covers in one swoop before he could react. Magic stoked the fire across from us and every lamp went out.

           “We get to sleep in tomorrow,” I smiled broader as Loki faced me, ruffling a hand into his black hair. "A welcomed change." I brought the covers up to my chin so he leaned over, fingers inching into the blanket.

           “Looking forward to it,” he commented, slipping blankets down. “I barely saw you.” 

           “You saw me all day.” I joked, face nestled into the pillow. Creamy fabric twisted along my skin. Pale and delicate. Slippery smooth to the touch. “Do you like it?”

           “I like you,” Loki winked, tilted my chin for a peck. He hummed and observed me, sitting up as my head lifted.

           “What?” I wondered and he shrugged. I brought the covers back higher.

           “Your shyness even after our multiple sexual encounters,” he replied, “it intrigues me.”

           “Shy?” I scoffed and inhaled when his other hand slipped under the blankets, fingers shifted along my arm. “I’m comfortable with you.”

           “As I am with you,” Loki trailed his hand up my shoulder and hummed. “It isn’t the sex that makes you so shy. Is it?”

           “No, not anymore.” I admitted, peering aside but he touched my chin to beckon me back to his gaze. “I did ride you for...a long time a few nights ago. Did I not?”

           “Yes, I won’t soon forget that.” A wink followed. Heat crept up my cheeks. “What is it?” He inquired and I grew reluctant, fists tightening into sheets to bring them closer.

           “…It’s my body.”

           “Your body?” Loki caressed my cheek with his knuckles and smoothed some hair down. “I love your body. I’ve seen it quite a few times. But, I have noticed this as well. You often turn off every lamp in your room and shut the curtains. You keep pieces of clothing on and beckon me under the covers. Which is perfectly fine, I enjoy our sex all the same. I just want you to know that I love you and your body, clothed and not. It is my hope that this shyness isn’t bringing you discomfort.” 

           He came down, holding my face to kiss me before lingering for a second slower one. My hands slipped up to cup his jaw this time when he pulled away. Loki flickered his eyes across mine and something connected, warming us.

           “It isn’t you,” I explained to ensure he didn’t think he’d pushed anything. “I’m just…I don’t look like…” I exhaled, my hands dropped to hold the sheets to my chest again. Eyes looked beyond him while he traced his thumb down my cheek. “I’ve been a full girl for my entire life. My breasts and hips developed early. Older men would stare. Make comments. Sexual. Negative. And no one told them to stop. I was just a little baby practically.”

           “No one deserves that.” Loki squeezed my arm, propping himself up on his side.

           “Growing up, looking like I did... They all act as if I am illegitimate in some way for looking like I do." I panned to focus on Loki's intent expression. "Does…Did it ever bother you? Make you less attracted to me? That I’m fleshier than you. Uh, wider. Broad. Curvy. Stretched and scarred. Heavy...” 

            I tried not to sound too wounded when I whispered a word that wasn’t filthy in this realm or the next. 

            “Fat... I am fat and if I wasn't, I know I'd get better treatment. I do. We notice when we're looked up and down with an awkward smile and shifting steps from beings who have no interest in hearing us out. Sometimes it's like I'm not worthy of another's time. Like I'm not a viable person because I am a big girl.” I tried to explain and Loki seemed genuinely surprised. "I'm surrounded by pretty people, gods, and those on the outside can't comprehend that I...that I can be loved."

           "You're all I want.” Loki stole my hand. “These people are on the outside for a reason and they'll have to continue burning in solitude. You won't feel that heat."

           "They look at us and think I'm too big for you, Loki. There is Prince Loki, they'll say...with her. All unruly curls and flesh to spare. He can have anyone and had to pick that one. Awkward and teetering while he sways with such grace, stars still before him to watch. She swirls and decays in turn." I admitted with heating cheeks. Tension etched my voice so I blinked and swallowed the lump down. 

           “It has not bothered me an ounce. We grew together under those same stars and moons, contented to watch us grow closer until they could not stand it. They had to bind us together, lest the world threatens to combust if we don't. Women, like men, come in every size here. Asgard is a vibrant place." Loki explained. “Right?”

           “Yes.” 

           "A fluid people. All of us form one ethereal race of gods and monsters coming together...and yet unique and rich beyond imagination. There is magic and culture and life yet to be uncovered." As I watched Loki go on, I fell in love so deeply over and over again. This wonder toward the world around us. It inspired me so. "Your looks are more common than you are led to think. I've been fortunate to know many diverse lovers. All so beautiful to me. I think so often about you when we are parted.” My name left his tongue and I beamed.

           “The palace wants me to look more like the court ladies when I stand next to you.” I swallowed, eyes shining while my voice shook. “I hid myself under baggy clothing. My father…he…he used to come up to me and pull the belt around my waist painfully tight so people could better see the hourglass to my frame. So I could be somewhat desirable. Undo buttons and tell me how to walk and talk.”

           “I desire you in every form but that isn’t important. What’s important is that you know you are beautiful and warm…soft and plump. These words are allowed to go together. We'll weave them into a fine tapestry if we must." He roused amusement from me. 

           My covers came down so he could admire the nightie. Loki slowed to continue.

           "I cannot pretend I know all of your pain but I do understand to some extent. I tried for a long time to bulk up like the men around me. Like Thor. I ate and lifted until I vomited. But, I gave that up because it wasn’t important anymore. I am contented with myself and you deserve to feel such a thing.” Loki kissed my cheek. “This perception…your father is wrong. Those bigots are wrong. We know this. It won’t take the insults away but I wanted you to hear it from another. You are beautiful as you are. Right now.” 

           Loki hesitated so I cupped his face, nearing to kiss him and bring him down with me. He gripped my arms, massaging while my hands slipped around his shoulders to hold him and touch his soft hair.

          "What is it you think when we are parted?" I asked then so he shifted up, tracing one finger over my brow and down my nose before his thumb swept across my lips. Instead, Loki continued on while he observed me, digits trailed up the round, heart shape of my face to the higher point of my ample cheekbones.

          "I am fond of your features. Dark and lush. You glow in candlelight. Your curls get swept up in the fresh air and sunlight illuminates you. You are never washed out, you just... It's as if I can gaze at you and I'm certain that something so significant fills the space around us to the brim. It spills over but you always beckon and echo every little call. I do hope that one day you allow the world to see you for all that you are. It shall not wash you away. You'll rise and join the stars...you shall be admired and coveted because you are remarkable."

          And that day would come for me without mercy.

          "Perhaps. Another time though," I offered. "Fortunately, I’m happy right where I am now. This moment." Loki brightened at that and I followed. "We spent far too much time denying feelings, did we not?"

          "I'll do my best to make up for all that, if you'll assist." Loki kissed me, lingering and soft. “Again, I know my opinion and sexual desire for you should not be at the front of your brain but have you really not realized how much I adore every sweet curve on you?” Loki pecked my lips once more. “I could remind you.”

           “Loki…” I grew warmer, turning my face while he laughed and covered my cheeks in playful kisses. A giggle erupted with a sudden gasp at him.

           “A brighter smile, at last,” he came up, bracing himself over me. “I remember the first time I ever desired you long before we got together.”

           “Oh?” My hands slipped down his arms and he fell on his side again while I watched him, relaxing. “Well, now you have to tell me.”

           “It was snowing and you were leaving the palace after tea with mother. I believe I was seated outside, under an arch with a book. I watched the snow fall about me. Most everyone was inside but Fandral had walked out just before you and he was waiting at the bottom. Thor was in a devious mood and he saw Fandral so he picked up the biggest chunk of snow he could and started down toward him.”

           “No, not this day,” I covered my face and Loki began chuckling.

           “So, Thor’s coming down and I’m seated, half-hidden, thinking he’s a buffoon. But, I was somewhat excited to see Fandral get demolished. You appeared in a conversation with mother at the very top of the steps, backing up to go in a large burgundy cloak. Your curls were already coated in flakes, you looked angelic…"

           His sweet praise at me biting my lip.

           "Either way, you waved to mother and took two steps down the icy stairs before you slipped rather dramatically and slid all the way down on your ass.”

           “At the time, it did hurt,” I was giggling again while Loki went on.

           “My heart stopped when I saw you because I thought you’d knocked yourself out and Mother about jumped a few feet into the air, rushing down to help you. But…you…”

           Loki couldn't stop laughing.

           “...You plowed right into Thor before he could fully turn and react…which broke the giant snowball over his own head when he landed on his back. Then, you knocked Fandral off his feet in the same slide when he tried to help you. Thor is sprawled on the stairs. Fandral is face down and you slide to a stop at the bottom, dazed. I’d gotten to you by that time as Mother charged down the steps to ensure everyone was alright and when I stood over you… You looked at me and turned your head to see Thor and Fandral, both whining aloud from their frozen spots."

            "I can't believe you remember this so vividly." My cheeks ached from smiling.

            "I do. So, Mother is shooting questions, but you looked at me again and burst into laughter, rolling on your side to rub your back and bottom.” We were both losing it. “And you wouldn’t stop. Mother and I heave you up, still trying to see if you’re all right but you’re laughing, bending over and still rubbing yourself and you just didn’t stop. It was the hardest and brightest laugh I’d ever heard from you. You snorted and kept up even."

             "Gods... I'm so embarrassing. I demand a different moment."

            "Denied. Anyways, Thor and Fandral are stumbling with Mother’s help and you were giggling so hard, you covered your face and…I remember you pressed against my chest as if to muffle it. We all lost it at this point because Thor looked like a snow beast and Fandral’s mustache had iced over. But, I don’t recall much else of what they said, I remember the way you pressed into my embrace to cover your laughter,” Loki stilled to see me, “you leaned out, calming finally with this radiant smile…your eyes sparkled and it felt we’d just invented the still point to the spinning realms around us.”

           My amusement slowed while I gazed at him. Understanding totally.

           “It was the first time I ever believed with all my heart that perhaps everything would end up…fine. It did not need to be perfect. For once, I didn’t want it to. I wanted that in-between of fantasy and reality to create something gleaming and new. The contentment. The comfort and safety. I loved you from the first. But, I’ll never forget that beautiful pulse in time where I felt so alive. Sometimes I think I never left it when we're together.” Loki was looking into the distance while I watched him recall the memories so fondly. My heart melted when I touched his face to bring him back to our still point. Smiling with all my tenderness, I took his hand and kissed it, amusement broke through again.

           “So, you’re telling me, Prince Loki, regal sorcerer, magical shapeshifter and second in line for the throne…that you knew you held affections for me when I quite literally got my own ass delivered to me. On the very steps of the palace...in front of most of your family. And Heimdall.”

           “Yes, and I’m not taking it back.” Loki countered, grinning while I covered my face. “Your hair was a mess and you were still in pain and panting. My mother and brother and damned Fandral were there but I still wanted to kiss you. Those pretty cheeks blooming with shades of red.”

           “It was a long way down, I remember Thor practically going over my head and Fandral’s legs twisted into mine. When I looked up, I saw you with this wide-eyed stare, you looked like an owl with two emeralds for eyes. It was embarrassing falling like that in front of the Queen. After I got to the bottom, I was hoping the snow would just cover me.” 

           Loki seemed entertained but he kissed me again, hand slipping behind my head and into my hair.

           “Fortunately, we’re both warm and I get to kiss you to my heart’s content now.” He mused, lips trailing over my cheek and to my jaw. Hands were smoothing down over my body now through the nightgown I had on. I shifted closer to him until he was half atop me, opening his mouth against mine. “I want you. Now. Forever.” Loki muttered against my lips and I ran my hand into his hair, bringing him closer again in response. Two souls twisting. Living in their still point.

           “You have me,” I replied while Loki got lower to kiss my collar. Gentle sighs dancing upon my skin.

           “I also don’t plan on resting until I’ve appreciated all of you.” He came up and I scoffed, entertained. Loki took my hands and kissed the knuckles on each. “Starting with your hands, they’re lovely and quite suited for mine. You tug on my clothes and hair while I kiss you and I cannot get enough. Watching magic weave around them is...intoxicating.”

           “Loki,” I grew bashful again while he pecked along my shoulders. Digits brought my nightgown lower. Feather-light touches that melted me down.

           “Allow me to indulge,” he pulled my arms free but didn’t reveal anymore, settling my hand on his face. “As much as I enjoy holding you, I can honestly say that my heart somehow picks up and slows all at once when you take me in your arms. So if you notice that you wake with me in them, it is not because you were the clingy one at night.” Loki’s playful nature had me reeling.

           “That so?” My chest rose when he pecked my lips and slipped fabric down, his nose traced along my collar while he hummed and cupped my breasts.

           “I could vocalize about your lovely breasts and how divine they are but I shall demonstrate instead. Yes, I think that will be much more effective.” Loki’s mouth was on me, opened to nip before I sighed in bliss. He took time to rouse my nipples to hard buds, licking circles around them and teasing with his fingers. When he kissed just under them, I tensed and licked my lips. Alert again.

           “I…I’m not…” I trailed off when Loki stopped to meet my eyes. “This is where I’m most nervous during sex.”

           “Your breasts?” Loki furrowed his brow.

           “My stomach. My hips and thighs.” I whispered and he exhaled, nodding.

           “I see.” Loki hesitated when I peered away from him before slipping a hand up my side, over my belly. 

           He dropped his lips down once more and I hitched a breath. I’d let him do these things in the heat of the moment but Loki didn’t linger like he was now. He kissed my skin along stretch marks and scars alike. I laid there and felt myself unwind, running a hand into his hair while he reached up to toy with my breasts again. 

           "I long to appreciate every piece of you." Lips mused hot into skin. I covered his hands with mine and moaned, enjoying him. “You’ve given me so much beauty to explore,” Loki hovered over me and kissed my lips. “I can also say that your thighs drive me mad.” 

           Swift, he tugged my nightgown all the way off, tossing it aside. 

           “The way they’re able to spread so wide for me. The way they tighten around my hips. I’d let you crush me between them.” Loki’s mouth was on my knee, running up. “How shaken they are when I’m holding them, kissing them. Spreading you. So tender and sensitive.” 

           He traced a line up to watch me shiver, trailing his fingers over my skin. Closer and closer. Loki watched my eyes grow heavy when he slipped a hand between my thighs to open them so he could settle on his knees. 

           Nude, I watched him, his arousal taut. 

           Muscles across his stomach clenched under pale skin as he vibrated with desire. My skin flushed and I thought, I did that. Loki was beautiful and he wanted me so ardently. He would plead for me. Moan for more. My fears were spilling off the bed to hide under it until later. Lips parting, I reached down when he scooted forward so I could cup his cock. He paused to buck slowly and I bit my bottom lip, slipping my fingers between my own legs when the moment became too much.

           “You forgot another important part of me.” I sighed and Loki smirked wider at my play.

           “Apologies,” he bowed low and curled his hands around my thighs. Fingers parted my folds and I felt his breath on my skin, exposing me so intimately that I arched with need.

           “Gods, your eyes. Sometimes, I feel you looking at me and I want…” I pressed against the bed.

           “Yes?” Loki was patient, I stared at the ceiling and gave in.

           “You gaze and touch and I want to play with myself,” I admitted with some force.

           “I’m not stopping you.” Loki kissed my thigh and settled his head there so I reached down again. “Oh, yes, this is exquisite. Play with yourself for me.”

           “Loki…” I moaned, blushing all over with swelling heat. Aching utterly.

           “That’s it, sweetheart, make yourself wet. Do you want my mouth?”

           “Yes…” I pleaded, not worried about my flesh and the scars I created along it. Neither was he. “Please.”

           “You did ask politely.” Loki moved my hand away and kissed my folds, delving between them to swirl his tongue along my clit. I was lost. Splayed out perfectly while he moaned aloud. Deep kisses unbound me. “Close your eyes.” Loki snaked up and draped along my side. 

           Chest heaving, I followed his instruction and felt his hand squeeze one of my breasts before running down along my stomach again. These teasing caresses caused me to grow taut and I licked my lips. Loki was kissing my neck and trailing up the shell of my ear. Shudders had me pulsing. Wanting to be filled.

           “Keep your eyes closed and feel me admire this radiant body. Just feel.”

           “Loki…” I sighed, head pressing back into my pillow while he massaged me. My hands slipped up to burrow into the sheets twisted around me.

           “Relax and feel me. Feel how deeply I desire you.” Loki’s fingers were running along my thighs. “Tell me what you want.”

           “Touch me,” I whined, brow furrowed while I gave a pout as he teased. “Put your hand…ah…” A thumb traced my outer folds. “More.”

           “More?” One of his legs shifted over mine to open me up. He kissed my breast and neck, smiling against me. Nipping.

           “I want your hand between my legs, please touch me,” I managed, sighing before I gave a soft moan when he obliged. Soothing every little ache. My back curved, eyes shutting tighter while he rubbed my clit and kissed my chest, in no rush.

           “No peeking,” Loki nudged his face into mine. “I can feel you blooming under my touch. Bowing and ready to squirm as I hold you right here with me.” His wet cock nudged my hip and I settled my hands on my breasts to massage them with his touches. Undone.

           “You’ve no idea,” Loki uttered into my ear, “how badly I’d like to be inside you. You purr and tighten while you hold me. Your lovely thighs squeeze and I'm lost in you. Put your hands above your head and let me relax you.” 

           I was a puddle in his grip, grasping for a bar on his embellished headboard. Curving gold gleaming. The position pushed my breasts out while I sighed and swayed. He traced circles into me, spreading my lips open so my clit could keep his full attention.

            “This is better, is it not?” Loki set his head on my arm to stay in my ear.

           “I love you,” I muttered, “I love you…Oh… I love you, keep going.”

           “That’s it,” Loki coaxed, “I can feel your arousal spilling between my fingers. I’ll make you climax at my command as many times as I wish until you recall the euphoria of this moment days later. Remember my hands and mouth pleasuring you until you can no longer stand it. You’ll have to touch yourself and whisper my name. I bet it'll sound divine against the cool air.” He slipped two fingers inside and my legs shifted open wider while he kept them apart with his in response. Dark eyes cracked open and I felt myself bucking to meet his hand.

           “Can I come?” My chest lifted and Loki rumbled with a chuckle against my neck.

           “Not yet,” Loki was rubbing while my body began to spark and seize, “not yet, sweetheart.” He hovered over me, straddling one of my legs. His free hand traced lines down my cheek and one finger slipped into my mouth. “Look at me. I want to watch you now.” I gazed at his face with clouded eyes, trying to hold it together.

           “Can I come?” I asked again, voice hitching. He pressed his hand over my wrists and leaned down to kiss me. Stroking me in quick little circles, feeling my legs shaking and I squirmed in his grasp. “Please, let me…” I moaned aloud with sputtered little breaths, watching his eyes. A crowned prince revered and worshiped me. I echoed that call.

           “Not yet, hold on for me. Almost.” Loki’s chest was heaving as well, eyes large while his cock dripped against my stomach. Pulsing to be inside me. “Hold it together, sweetheart. You’re doing perfectly.”

           “Loki,” I whined, breaking. “Can’t.”

           “You can,” he wasn’t letting up and my teeth pressed together while I arched, bracing myself and trying to hold back. “Good. Right there. When I allow it, you’ll bow and open up as you orgasm. Whisper my name because this one will belong to me. Yes?”

           “Yes,” I squeaked, lips opening for cries while he tortured my clit to no end. Unraveling, I was teetering now.

           “I’m going to fuck you after,” Loki leaned down to my ear, hushed. “I want to take you. Do you want me to push inside?”

           “I want it,” I writhed, my hands shifted but his grip was tight. “I want it, Loki. Please, let me come.”

           “I want to feel every part of your lovely body when you give in. I want you to feel beauty in every curve, too.” Loki kissed my lips and came up to watch my face. “You may close your eyes and feel it.” His fingers were working me raw and I unhinged at his command. “Come. Come for me.”

           “Loki!” I gave him his name and felt myself flood with climax, muscles tightened perfectly like clockwork as I shuddered and seized until he brought me down slowly from the high. He shifted between my legs, lifting my thighs to position them before playfully patting his cock against my twitchy opening to tease. “Loki. I want you.”

           “You want this?” He lingered, rubbing himself until he’d slicked his shaft. My hands stretched and I grasped for his arms, still quivering and utterly unwound under him. Swollen and sensitive but every touch rose fire within me. “Put it inside you if you want it so, needy girl.” 

           Whining, I reached down and we locked eyes while I pressed his tip into me. Loki hissed, forcing his girth into my already tight walls, pulsing still from orgasm. Euphoria bellowed in every joint.

           “Unraveled and writhing and yet, you still ache to be filled. By the nine, I love to play with you.” Loki was kissing me again, slipping his tongue into my mouth. Bucking. 

           “Shhh,” he hushed me when I whimpered, lips under my jaw. “There you are. Utterly splayed out so superbly.” Loki held my thighs, pressing them open while he watched where our bodies met with lust filling his eyes. He thumbed my clit to torture me and hissed when I reacted. “Perfect,” he moaned, lost in me. “Squeezing my cock, I can barely take you. I love you so much.” Loki was moving inside me now, holding my thighs up to penetrate deep with shallow thrusts so he didn’t slip out.

           “Keep going,” I sighed, unfurled still as my lips turned up. I let my hands slide along his chest and around his hips, caressing his lithe frame while he fucked me into the mattress. Loki was flickering bright and handsome and he pleaded for me alone.

           A gorgeous prince whined and bucked between my legs, longing to be held in my arms. I felt myself warming at the mere thought. Hair fell into Loki’s face so I tucked it aside, coaxing him on. 

           “You are amazing, I love you. Come here.” I held him close and let him bury his face into my neck, tightening my thighs around his hips. Loki exhaled my name in a muffled breath and grasped under my back to hold me close, melting along my frame. I felt his body shaking and petted his hair, arms around his shoulder to soothe him. 

           “I love you so much,” I said again. He began pounding into me, tightening up and tears pricked into my eyes. “Come inside me, Loki, let me hold you. Let yourself believe…how beautiful we both are. How free and alive we are here. Together. Come.” I cradled the back of his head and uttered little, filthy pleas. Asking for it harder. Faster. Telling him how much I loved it.

           Loki groaned and spread my thighs a bit wider with his, shifting up to slam into me until climax began to take him. The sweetest moan pulled. Locked together, we rocked until he was spent before his legs slipped down and he collapsed back into my neck. Stillness gripped us both in perfect harmony. Loki wheezed a little and I realized he’d choked on tears before he rolled off so we both could breathe.

           We hadn't known it was possible to love another this much. Staring at the ceiling, I turned my tired body over and pressed in close. Loki allowed me to his chest so I could hold him while he brought the blankets up. Fingers skimmed up his chest to lie flat. Feeling the heart there thudding.

           “I’m going to take you out to dinner tomorrow, you know...” he spoke, flicking his hand to snuff the fire out. Moonlight spilled in to bathe us. I perked and crossed my arms over his chest. 

           “Oh?” My palm smoothed to trace the line of his jaw. Teasing.

           “Yes,” Loki exhaled, shifting his fingers into my hair while he looked up at the golden ceiling, decorated in jewels and opulent paint. “I’m going to hold your hand and kiss you so that all of Asgard burns with jealousy because we are together.” 

           Overcome, I snickered and relaxed again on his chest. 

           “There is Prince Loki, they shall utter to each other... His heart belongs to that woman alone…and she is so fierce and beautiful.” The musing fed life into my heart. I hid my smile half into his chest and nodded without words while he caressed my back with light fingertips. “There is Prince Loki with the love of his life. He was a fool once but he found his way to her. I hope to one day have such a breathtaking shared connection with another, they’ll whisper. I hope to find the still point to the spinning realms and lock my fingers into another’s with nothing to hold me back. They’ll wonder about all of this but we shall not notice one little bit.”

           “Really?” I quirked a brow and he hummed.

           “Oh, yes.” Loki smiled to himself when I brought my head up to kiss him goodnight. “We’re going to have a wonderful dinner, I dare say. And after, who knows?” His smirk drew light. All the certainty in the world. I radiated totally at him, sighing as I came to his chest to close my eyes. "We have all the time in the world now, sweetheart."

           This day, I believed him. Rocked with the lullaby of his heartbeat.

           “I’m looking forward to it, my prince.”

Chapter Text

            Needless to say, I was having a bad week.

            Court squabbles. Elders slipping their shiny coins to beings trying to antagonize me. Trying to pull Loki and I apart. Belittling. Attempted seduction. So many tricks that were beaten to hell and shot down. Odin tried to keep his court together. Tried to keep me protected. Change never comes when you're trying to please both sides.

            What’s hilarious is I knew they weren’t spurned lovers of Loki’s. His old loves I knew were all good and fine people. These annoyances were just well paid. 

            Promises for it to stop and days passing before another needling comment about my looks or standing shook me. I tried not to let it. Tried to hold my head up. Loki and I were happy. So very happy.

            I was happy. Wasn’t I? I had everything going for me in life. Up and coming warrior on the arm of a prince. Favored of Frigga, Thor, and Odin. I had to be happy about it. Things like depression made you ungrateful so my mother seemed to believe. And then came the shiny cherry atop my horrid week.

            A letter from my parents asking me to come. Years into my relationship. Years into my focused training. Years of passing battles. They ask for me now. When my mind began to fray.

            I almost believe they sensed it. Knew an unforgiving court would wear me down. Knew exactly when to poison me.

            “Well, you’re not going, right?” Loki spoke over my desk as if that were final, plucking the letter from my fingers when I offered it. “There’s no point.”

            “Maybe…” I trailed off because bright eyes snapped to see me. To tsk and chide but he kept his mouth shut. Anxiety twisted my fingers together in my lap. Had my pulse beating too loud up my flesh. I shifted in my seat. “I just think...it’s been a few years. Maybe it could be a good thing. Closure.”

            “You can gain the peace and closure you seek by cutting them out and focusing on you.” Loki put the letter down after folding it. Neat and precise. “They’re not good for you. They’re just looking to feed.”

            “I know but-”

            “They don’t want you to live your life. Not the life you want." He explained with his usual dexterity, standing too tall before me. "They’re leeches and you deserve better. This place is better.”

            “Because they’re poor?” I blurted, regretting it. Eyes flicked and lowered back to my hands. Nails left tiny half-moons into my skin.

            “That’s not what I meant and you know it.” Loki sighed as I rubbed my head, shaking it. I withheld some of my court problems. I withheld so much else. Repressed. Unraveling. “I just don’t want to see you hurt and disappointed again, you don’t deserve that.” 

            Magic willed a chair over so he could sit and take my hands.

            “I don’t mean to make light of this, I know it's not easy for you.” Loki soothed in his way. Sly. Precise. Logical. Persuading still. “You’ve come far here and you have so much on your plate. Don’t add more to it.”

            “I just believe I should at least think about it. Maybe if they saw how well I was doing...” Things could change. For the better. They'd love me. I dropped my eyes to our hands again. Loki gave this exhale out his nose because he didn’t agree. Not one bit.

            “You’ve been distracted on the training grounds and in our sessions. You cannot carry all of this. Especially not into the next battle when it comes. And it will come.” Loki paused. “Thor informed me you didn’t show up at all the past few days.”

            “Talking with your brother about me?” I hummed, rubbing my head idly as I leaned to rest my elbow on my desk. Loki's knuckles paled when I squeezed his hand. Comforting me. Keeping me rooted with him because he was so well attuned to me. “There’s no rule about use of the training grounds. Just...trying to clear my head.”

            “You won’t talk about it with me.” Loki sounded wounded even trying not to. My tired eyes shifted to see him, head tilting in question. “About your past. About how you're feeling some days. You throw yourself into work like you're running from it. You don't have to discuss it with me, but if there is someone you would feel comfortable talking to...”

            “It’s in the past. My life was a bore. Before this at least. You know how word gets around this palace either way. Sometimes I feel like you and I won't get our basic right to privacy ever again. Being in the spotlight.” I reached to cover his hand with mine, steering to face him again. Loki shifted to take it. Tense. Worried. Guilt etched me deeper. "There's nothing to talk about. Just a bore."

            A beat. A beat of him plucking stitches to peek inside my chest.

            “Boredom didn’t put those scars on your thighs and arms.” He said it tenderly and it still stung. Breath catching, I recoiled and stood from him. This unseemly cold spread in my chest while I turned. “Wait a moment.” Loki had come up with me, crossing around to spin me back. He exhaled, searching as if I were the ocean.

            “There’s nothing to say, Loki,” I pressed, frowning, “nothing to talk about. I’m here. I’m fine. We're fine. Just...busy.”

            “It’s alright to not be fine even if you’re in a better place. That doesn’t make you ungrateful.” His thumbs drew circles into my sleeves. “Doesn’t mean you’re falling back, it just means you’re processing. Having a low day. Or week. Not fine. I just want you to know you can talk about it with me when you need to. I just want you to feel safe here. I won't push the subject further today.”

            My eyes met his. Lips pressed until I was nodding.

            “I have to…” A sigh left. “I have to get to the healing room for my shift. Things have been harder, I’m stressed. I’m still gonna think on my parents.” I came up to kiss Loki, arms winding around his neck. “I’m so lucky I have you. I’ll talk to you, I just...so much is unclear in my head.”

            “Talking it out can put pieces together,” Loki's knuckles grazed up my cheek. 

            “It’s not,” I licked my lips and braced to explain, “it’s my memory, I mean. Just a bit spotty is all for an Asgardian. I don’t remember a lot of my childhood and I don’t think of it often. Just a strange blur now. No use trying to drag memories up that don’t care to be found.”

            Loki hummed in thought but then he kissed me, tucking my hair aside.

            “Let me walk with you to the healing room,” was all he said, reaching to take my hand and lace our fingers. Tight like I might float away from him. Like maybe I shouldn't be alone with my thoughts. I grasped the blue healer's robes over one arm and let Loki lead me off. 

            This day didn’t get better. Only worse. Ending with me seated in my private bath. Dress hiked up so my legs could soak in warm water. Sun skimming low to bleed watercolor through the glass. Me watching it as I sniffled, bringing a bottle of hard, amber alcohol to my trembling lips.

            The burn went down with force. I sniffed again and heard a knock. Loki’s voice calling to me.

            "Here..." I beckoned and heard my front door.

            “You didn’t come down to dinner,” he walked in and paused upon seeing me. Seemed to have to adjust to the sight. "I only just heard after about-"

            “Yes. We lost someone today. I didn’t feel up to eating.” I drank without ceremony. Spiced and sweet. Filling to slosh around my belly.

            “Unusual for you to hit the hard liquor,” Loki sighed, crossing to join me. He didn’t push me to talk about it. Merely undressing enough to put his legs in before I offered the bottle. Lips touched the rim so he could gulp.

            Words came while the stars began to dot.

            “We’ve lost people before. Warriors. Always warriors. I’ve seen so many fall before me in battle. I'll never know when our number is up, too. We make peace with that, don’t we? Signing up to fight. We know. We face death with a righteous pride that we might be dying for something bigger. Something better. Valhalla’s hall awaits us beyond that veil. Death is only a door.”

            “That’s how we’re supposed to feel,” Loki agreed, giving the bottle back. He watched me rub my eyes red, shrugging.

            “This man didn’t sign up for war. It found him, I guess. He was just trying to deliver fresh fruit to the damn markets. Trying to keep his homestead alive and feed his family. Some bandit along the road attacked him, must have thought he was carrying weapons in the cart. Explosive went off, they said. Bandit got himself blackened to char but the vendor laid there until guards found him." I hitched this sober chuckle, remembering another detail. "And I knew the smell a mile away before he was put on our table. That smell of burnt flesh, you never forget it. But...”

            “He didn’t make it.” Loki frowned, while I shook my head.

            “His legs were all but gone. Missing fingers. Chest split open. I saw his goddamn ribs. His eyes...they were melted out of his skull.” I closed mine to drink. One big gulp of liquid amber. “Jaw and teeth mangled but he could still scream. Still cry and ask about his family. They were on the way. He wasn’t looking to Valhalla, he was just asking about his loved ones here. Wanting to say goodbye. If we could have kept him alive...just a few more minutes, he would have gotten that much.”

            My eyes raised to see Loki, shrugging helpless.

            “He was so scared.” I said. “He died and he was terrified. I just...” My head shook again, unable to comprehend why this pierced my core. I signed up to die when I was just a girl. “He was alone. Without his family. I know death happens to us. But, we’re supposed to be accepting and used to it as gods. We're the higher power the mortals look to. I know we’re not ready, why are we pretending?”

            “Moving forward is in our nature. We’ll do anything to be seen in all our glory. Flawless and glittering.” Loki eyed me. “You and the healers did everything you could regardless. That soul still died loved. Died knowing he was being fought for.”

            The bottle came down. Head tipping, I nestled into Loki’s side and pulled his arm around me.

            “Can you take me to bed?” I asked then. Loki obliged. Sweeping me up so we could dry off. Clothing shed while we undressed each other and crept under the covers to hide. Tiny kisses and murmurs ghosted Loki’s collar. Swaying and burning from the alcohol, I stole his mouth.

            “Are you sure?” Loki muttered. Kissing back but still about it. My palms explored him under cool sheets.

            “Want you,” I assured him, “I want to feel good tonight.” Feel alive again this day. Not worried yet about what tomorrow would bring me. I prayed for something better as I mounted Loki. 

            Curls tumbled over my shoulders and he grasped at my hips. Abdomen tensing. Loki whined, biting his lip. Watched me fuck myself on him. Watched me fuck him hard. Ethereal in the light, I was arching. Begging for him to play with me which he did. Fingers slick with sin, he told me I was beautiful above him. Told me I was his forever and he was mine.

            With a cry, I rode him into the night until we were spent and twisting together. Sometimes sex was an escape. I feared I could fall down a hole with that. Loki, still ravenous, pushed in behind me when we were on our sides. Stroking until my thighs spread obediently for him. He filled me again. Breath hot in my neck. Loki kissed my ear. Nipped.

            I shivered apart. Came undone for him. Let him fuck me raw from behind until I was pulling at his hair. Arms tight around my body, Loki molded into me. Souls fused with a flicker of light behind my eyelids. I begged all the way to my second end. Wanton and wet. I fell into this sort of floating subspace. Limp. Daydreaming far asunder.

            “There’s my girl,” Loki pecked my temple and turned me into him. Met my eyes that looked beyond him. Feather touches kept me vaguely aware. “You need your rest now. Go on, right to sleep.” Persuasion drowned my senses. Loki tired me on purpose. “I’m here. I’m right here with you.” Sweetness lulled me deeper. Lips twitched and my eyes closed. Safe in his arms, I fell hard. Through the burning sheets and into my dreams.

            We were still twisted together that next morning. A new day. No discussion of yesterday followed with a full schedule for both of us at hand. We parted into our duties after a long kiss. Time ticked and I took my lunch alone to prepare for a lesson with Loki. 

            Instead of eating, I found myself in a carriage. I thought of burnt flesh. Melted eyes. Perishing without family. Without a farewell. Without closure in this world. I toiled and still stepped toward the porch that always made my blood run ice cold. Three knocks.

            “Hello, mother,” I shuffled there and wished I wore something prettier than my belted teal tunic, “I got the letter and thought…”

            She hugged me. Actually hugged me. No life in her, but it was something. Mother brought me in and called at the other end of the hallway. The house wafted that stale vinegar smell. My nose wrinkled, feet skidding to a stop behind my mother when we got to the end. There he was. My father. Nursing a bottle at the kitchen table. Exactly where I left him. 

            He came to me and pulled me in tight. I thought he meant to crush me. Splinter bones into precious bleeding organs. Sour breath puffed at my face. Hands squeezed my arms. Steady.

            “Look at you.” He sized me up. “Seasoned warrior doing well for herself. Impressing the lot of them, I’m sure.”

            “We should sit down.” Mother swept to my side, guiding us to the table. A simple family. Together again. Father’s bottle clanked down to echo. I found myself thinking of the palace alarms. A signal of danger closing in. Screaming hot in my ear. Warning me to pull my nearest blade out and be ready to fight. “Tell us about the palace. The dorms.”

            They sat across from me. Leaned in. I pictured them as hungry hounds, ears perked in my direction. Tongues hanging out to pant. 

            “Well, things are…” Something sank. That fear of offending because I was happier. Better off without them. “I’m focused on my training and studies. It's coming along really well.”

            “Still training with Odin’s best.” Mother beamed there, taking my dad’s hand. “It’s wonderful. We’re happy for you. I’ll bet you get more face time with the royals than any other. Such an honor that is. This whole village is jealous.”

            “Yes and she doesn’t kneel or bend over to do it. Doesn't sell herself.” Father was still smiling like that was a novel concept. A drink was gulped. I clasped my hands into my lap, fingers tightly linked together. “Oh, forgive me. Caught yourself a prince. The whole village was talking about it.”

            “Loki and I aren’t doing anything wrong. We came before the court immediately. We’re professional in training still and in front of others.” I felt myself quiver, eyes watering. My voice tremored and pleaded my sentiments. Wanting them to mean something. “I’m in love.”

            I’d followed my heart and all I wanted was their blessing.

            "He's very good to me," I had to say it again with more fervor, "I am in love."

            “We’re not mad. We do wish you told us first. Warned us. It’s...It’s an odd match.” Mother winced. “The prince isn’t known for his, ah, personal commitments.”

            A familiar spark.

            “Loki’s been committed to magic since he was a boy. Committed to using his every skill for the better of us. Committed to protecting Asgard. Committed to his family. He stands up there next to Thor and Odin.” Once I started, I couldn’t stop. “He spends hours with Odin’s elite generals and advisers strategizing to protect our world. He’d die for us. He respects his mother and every woman in court. Frigga calls on him for tasks and he’s willing to drop everything to be there no matter how big or small the ask is. He’s encouraging and he’s good and he’s got a beautiful heart that he gave to me. Me. We're in love.” 

            “She’s just rebelling,” my father gestured with the bottle’s nose, “enjoying the fact that we squirm under the gossip of it. You let him ruin you already. Bet you're proud.”

            “I train with Odin’s best. I’m an apprentice in magic to his youngest son, a close companion and warrior of his elder who drew my name for the line, and I serve the Queen directly. I think I have plenty I can be proud of.” I cracked, shrugging. “Plenty that should make you proud too, but it’s not enough. It never will be. And I really let myself think...”

            “No,” my mother grew sickly sweet, “that’s not what he’s saying. We’re just worried. You’re so far away. I don’t want to see you hurt.”

            I could have imploded at her because she hurt me from the first.

            “We won’t let you ruin this-!”

            “Why, because I didn’t fuck the right prince?” I flared and my father shot up, bottle clattering to shatter upon the floor. Sound exploded with it but neither of us moved. Eyes wide, I sat back in my chair. Bracing.

            “No! No!” My mother tugged for his hands until he was easing back down. Felt like she was lancing an angry boil. Air puffed my chest and I sat straighter. Shoulders fell and I shattered too. Delicate and still. Tone shrinking because I was raw.

            “Did you ever love me?”

            And my father looked so thoughtfully at my face before he said...

            “How can I?”

            We just stared at each other. I waited for a pain to subside that might never numb. I was a god and I wasn't wanted. I was a god of mangled design and purpose. Was I just supposed to live in the rosy sun that way? Never to hear the prayers and see outstretched hands of souls that needed my divine splendor. 

            “This isn’t… We don’t want the wrong life for you. If you perhaps end things, before the Prince can. We can save face here. Move on. Your father and I, we wonder about...moving closer. With you rising, I’m sure it’s possible-”

            “Money.” I clicked my tongue. Eyes still trained on my dad. “That’s why you wrote me.”

            “We love you. He’s just been drinking and worried for you. We can talk about this like a family again-”

            “Has he hit you yet, mother?” I saw her spark. “With me gone, I'm sure the target's wide open. I don’t understand how you can play both sides of this.”

            “I just don’t want trouble.” She tried to smile again. “I want us all to be happy. We can all put our feelings aside here and-”

            “You’re worse than he is,” I spoke in a monotone, hopeless, “at least he doesn’t pretend he didn’t want me.”

            Small fists hit the table, causing both my father and I to jolt. Shock welled because I’ve never seen my mother lose it.

            “You have no idea what you’re saying! What I’ve seen in my life! What I’ve given to bring you into this world!” Mother’s jaws snapped at me. “I’ve loved you since I felt you grow inside me and I’ve sacrificed-!”

            “You chose him! You just stood there. Thousands of years and you just stood there!” I wailed back. They veered from me, waiting for something to erupt. “Do you not realize that?”

            “I kept you fed.” Father reached over the table to grab my wrist. One iron cuff that snapped shut. “Have some respect for us, little girl.”

            “Little girl?” I was on my feet. Filling the room with my bare soul. “I’m doing something with my life while you drink yours away!” Shaking down to my marrow, I shrugged and tore away. Absolutely hopeless. “This was a mistake. I can’t do it. I’m never gonna win. You don’t have to sacrifice further, I won’t be back.”

            “Wait,” my mother reached out but Father was quicker. Stomping after me on my way to the door. I had my hand on the handle before one hard tug spun me back. Fury quelled.

            The slap didn’t register. Vibrations shook down my body. I heard something break, maybe a potted plant that I’d knocked over after colliding with a corner table. I heard those steps again and lifted one hand. Light sparked up my fingers to threaten him off but his rage seemed to amplify at the sight. Eyes in a fury that looked at me as if I were truly a monster.

            Seeing that had me hesitating. Knuckles kissed me the second time. Light extinguished. My father had slapped and pushed and kicked. Pulled and tore and dragged. He’s never punched me. Not in the face. Not hard enough to swell my eye socket or split my bottom lip with an ugly spatter of hot red metal.

            What was unbelievable is I could have thrown him off. Made him beg. Killed him. Burnt the house. Easily. All so easily. But, I curled up because I was a little girl again. I felt this moment in time shift where I was a shadow in the corner watching it happen. My father flailing. Me dead silent. Mother trying to pull him off.

            I was a battered god afraid of death. Not supposed to be alive. Waiting for the reason why to reveal itself. 

            The girl there met my eyes and she looked terrified. Like her world might be ending. Father tore her up with fists and a leather belt. She wheezed and I found myself looking into his eyes again for her. Brain on fire. 

            "You...You're not my daughter." Father pressed his entire body against mine. Crushed me. I gasped out against the floor with wide eyes. 

            “Dear, please!” Mother pulled and got shaken off. “Don’t say that!” 

            “Go back into the living room or you're next!” He charged and she pressed her fist to her mouth, backing up to leave me there. My father grasped a handful of my tunic. I heard the front ties stretch to tear. 

            "You never appreciated me. Ever. Never warmed when I held you so tight. Never responded. I tried. I tried so hard with you. I tried so hard to make you my little girl. I tried to teach you things. I tried to connect. But, you pretended you didn't want it." 

            “Maybe we didn’t.” I wasn't sure why I said we. As if I were two people. Two halves of a soul I split to survive. The girl dead before him and the living girl I pretended to be. Blood misted his jaw when I spoke.

            "I know you wanted it all. I know it. You were so...odd. Not right in the head. I worked for years to set you straight while you drifted away from me in the clouds." 

            I wanted to speak. To scream. But, his legs wedged against mine and my whole soul came apart. I just wanted closure and yet, here I was too afraid to take it. Too afraid of what his words could have meant. Too afraid of what death may come beyond them.

            "You'll realize one day, what you do to people. You're disgusting. Do not come back here unless you are willing to listen for once. Let the lesser prince chew you up and spit you out.”

            He’d pushed me out the door after and I stumbled, falling to my knees on the dirt. A slam behind me sparked as I wobbled to my feet. Commotion inside picked up. Blood spat against the frame. Unnaturally bright and slipping between a crack in the wood. Eyes lifted to the calm sky that must be mocking me. Perfect, crystal blue. I wished I could float to get lost in it. 

            “Let’s keep this one between us, Heimdall,” I whispered distantly, kicking another potted plant over that was already dying. 

            My pathetic, empty village hushed. I saw the neighbor's curtains shutting quick for fear of my eyes. Hair wild around my battered face, I stained my sleeve red wiping it. Heat sweltered and I felt no pain. Cool air rushed into clothing until I was running. Over the bridge. Too fast in the markets for sparse eyes to see me. A flash of red as always to Asgard. Nothing more. Just a drop of blood in an endless ocean that would mean nothing.

            This day, I never considered the particular and hungry predators that could still smell blood in the clear waters from miles away. And how they'd flock.

            I just ran. Even making it around the busy training grounds this afternoon, I made a manic sort of beeline toward the dorms. So close to salvation and my stash of healing supplies waiting. I could have erased this. The towers loomed over me and I dropped my eyes to the grass, boots clicking across the stone walkway. Almost home free. Almost to the shadows.

            A call of my name had me skidding. Nowhere to go because I’d already made eye contact with Moira. Yards away coming out of the dorms. I knew she had her own place in town so it was strange. Her eyes changed upon drinking me in, hand lowering as the smile fell.

            “By the nine, what happened to you?” Moira jogged toward me on instinct. Billowy shirt tucked into her trousers. A decorative scarf draped over her shoulders. Charms and tassels jostled along it. Unable to look aside, I shuddered at her.

            “Just an accident on the road.” I sounded rehearsed. Wisps of black hair fluttered from a high ponytail, framing her face. Moira’s warm hand touched my jaw and I smelt the perfume she dotted on her wrist.

            “We can go with that,” Moira looked around and took my arm. “Show me to your room, I’ll help you get cleaned up. You have supplies?”

            “Yes, I-” I saw Moira’s face change before my eyes snapped behind me. Among the sparse groups of warriors, Loki glittered. Blissfully unaware. I veered back. Already in tears.

            “Gods, we have a lesson soon. He's coming to meet me. I don’t want him to see me, he’s going to be so upset,” I crackled apart and Moira had me by the hand like a mother to her lost child. Not needing an explanation she pulled me along. We sped under the arch into the tower, veering beyond a row of pillars toward the steps.

            “Which floor are you? Your room number?”

            “F-Floor...Floor five. Room thirty-eight,” I was tugged again. Closing in on the staircase before a body sprang out around the curling corner. Loki.

            “Where are you running to in such a hurry, my dears?”

            Those vibrant eyes flashed upon seeing my face because I lifted it when the shock set in. Stomach curling with nausea. Moira still held my arm, probably to keep me from tumbling away. Light phased and the duplicate vanished before another hand tugged me to turn around. My real prince blinked several times, taking my chin to tip it up because awe returned to shame.

            I didn’t want to look at him observing me. Putting pieces together.

            “Who did this to you?” He uttered, terse and contained. Breath ceased and I couldn’t speak. Dizzying there before him.

            “There was,” Moira piped up, eyeing me, “some accident on the road, your highness...”

            “It is kind of you to lie for her, Moira, because you’re a loyal companion but I want the truth,” Loki clipped out my name. Dark eyes snapped to see him. 

            It was funny because I stopped thinking about the ache to find it strange and sweet that Loki knew Moira’s name. I’ve never seen them interact directly. Loki was careful to learn the names of every person who worked in or around his palace. 

            I found myself wondering how many other royals and nobles in the province took the time to learn the names of the people who worked every day for them. People who grew with them too and who spent their lives walking these halls.

            “She needs to lie down, your highness,” Moira spoke when she realized I wasn’t even trying. I just swayed there in those endless pools. “She isn’t well.” I felt her give my arm this tug but I didn’t move further.

            “I thought…” I began when Loki opened his mouth and closed it. “I thought I could fix it. I went home.” Loki’s eyes changed, dawning in realization. I sniffled and didn’t cry, too drained at that precise moment. Face probably splotching from red to purple. Asgardian sunsets took similar hues.

            “We should take her to her room,” Moira suggested, “get her cleaned up.”

            “We’re going to bloody report this.” Loki peered between us, deathly calm. “You went home and they beat you. From your eyes, it obviously isn’t the first time!” I flinched when his voice rose so Loki deflated. An exhale.

            It was clear the anger wasn’t directed at me but at himself.

            “Moira, if it is alright with you both, I’d like to take this from here.” Loki’s fingers shifted up to curl around my elbow.

            “I can stay if you need me, it’s not a problem. I’m here.” 

            “I…” My voice quivered, head cocking in Loki’s direction. Moira understood, patting my arm gently.

            “He is right, you should report it.” She decided with a frown but plenty of certainties. “Go on, before anyone comes in.” 

            “Thank you for the assistance, please resume your schedule.” Loki addressed her with an arm winding around my back. Moira peered around and hurried off, back toward the entrance. Loki applied pressure only to get me to move and felt me stiffen with a hiss. The hand snatched away and found my hip instead. 

            Pain seemed to amplify with my adrenaline slowing. Loki didn’t speak again. My nerves prickled toward an edge. He didn’t shout. Didn't make promises or threats. Just led me to my room, wrist flicking to open and close the door behind us. Another flinch when the lock clicked as I came out from him to stand at the center of my chambers. Eyes lifted to the horizon there. Stained glass and glimmering. Washing out my expression with heat.

            “Tell me,” he spoke, “please. This isn’t new behavior.”

            “No,” I bowed my head and heard Loki shuffling in my bathroom.

            “Sit down, let me wipe your face.” A palm pressed my back and this yelp erupted out my lips. I heard Loki exhale before he pushed my tunic up to see the welts. Furious red bubbling up under my flesh. I fussed about like an unruly baby while his eyes drank more and more down.

            “Wait!” I squeaked, curling away from him to stumble into the window seat. Head lowering.

            “What did he beat you with?” Loki asked. I heard the same red welling under his tone.

            “A belt,” I curled up, hair frizzing in my face. Hands felt out so I could try to balance on my hip. He snapped.

            “We’re going to the throne room right now to report this.” Loki felt for my wrist.

            “He just gets upset, he’s a drunk.” I resisted, crumbling. “Loki, no! I shouldn’t have gone, I learned my lesson!”

            “Do you think your actions caused this?” Loki’s voice rose before he tore me into his arms. “Look at yourself!” He pulled my shirt up, fingers tremoring. Forced to the mirror, I shook my head. He snapped my name. “Look! That isn't your fault.” 

            “No!” I wailed back, pushing off him to get away. The next beat unsettled us both. “He’s done this since I was a child! Is that what you want to hear!” 

            “I’ll report it, maybe I’ll pay him a visit myself!” Loki turned on his heel but I dove for him, tugging to stop this before I planted myself between him and the door. Skull thudding beyond belief. I thought I might really die there.

            “Stop it!” Hands flat on his chest, I came apart when our eyes met. Whatever Loki saw in me mitigated him. Lip wobbling, I squeezed my eyes shut and crushed in on myself. Flooding. My tone lowered when I saw his expression. Both of us helpless. “Do you think you could live knowing your father never loved you?”

            Nothing else hurt. Just that simple fact.

            Loki stared at me, searching, but he never actually answered.

            “Why won’t you let me take action? This isn't right.”

            “I just want it all to go away.” The past. The memories that would flash before my eyes. The pain of being an unwanted god. Loki relaxed to take my shoulders.

            “It doesn’t work that way,” he kissed my head, thumb sweeping under one eye. “Talk to me.”

            “I thought...I thought I could fix things if I showed them how well I was doing. How happy I was. My father lost it at me and mother tried...she sometimes tries to pull him off. I don’t know. She cares about me and resents me all at once. It happened more when I was young but he’d just lash out in certain moods. I was ashamed and lost so I just hid it. It wasn't ever this bad. I think.” I winced. “Please don’t confront them. It’s not worth it.”

            “I won’t confront them,” Loki eased, “just let me heal these.” Shaken still, I was led to sit on the edge of my bed. “Keep talking to me. Don’t rush it.”

            “It’s why I just lose myself in as much work as I can.”

            “Unfortunately, it explains a lot.” Loki went to my bathroom for supplies and returned with a bottle and cloth.

            “I wasn’t lying about my memory,” I angled so he could wash my face, “it’s always felt shredded like I dreamt pieces of it. You were right. I shouldn’t have gone and I only went because I felt like I had something to prove to myself. I was stupid.”

            "Don't call yourself stupid again," he paused briefly before continuing, undoing my shirt to shed layers. Eyes drank the nasty swatches in so I looked aside.

            "We ended up fighting and I talked back. They hated me. Hated that I was with you and not Thor still. Tried to break us. So he came at me. I didn't try to fight it either."

            “You know I’d never do this to you,” Loki replied instead. Cool ointments glowed over my skin. Mending while Loki coaxed me to lie on my stomach.

            “Can you just stay here with me for a while?” I clutched my pillow and felt him unclasping my undergarments. Fingers danced along my spine. A lemon-fresh sort of scent wafted. 

            “Close your eyes and rest,” Loki’s voice washed over me, “I’ll handle things from here.”

            “You won’t go to my parents?”

            “No, I won’t go to them,” Loki chose his words. Deft and intent as he always did. “Nothing you did warranted this. I shouldn’t have pressured you to go or not. I don’t care about being right, I care about you. I’m going to protect you, always. Do you trust that?”

            “I can,” a sniffle pulled as I turned my neck to see him, pressed into pillows. I covered my breasts with my arms, holding myself too tight. “I just wanted a family.”

            “Blood won’t make that, bonds will.” Loki craned over to kiss the corner of my mouth. His nose brushed my cheek. Lashes fluttering, I panned to focus on him. “You have family here still and we’ll do anything for you. I'll keep you safe.” A hand cupped my jaw. Wounds mending like they were melting away same as fallen snow. Like they never happened because I was a god. Flawless by design so they said.

            “Loki…” I began, breathing softer. One palm cupped the back of my skull. Stayed there. A funny sort of chill rushed my bones. It smoked. Burnt. Like his magic. "What are you...doing to me?"

            “I’ll take care of it, sweetheart,” his coaxing dipped me in clouds, “just dream away for a little while.” A hand slipped out blindly for him. Falling over the bed when my lights dimmed. Lips touched my ear as I was pushed under. “That’s my girl.”

** ** **

            Loki’s final answer came for me. Shaking my world apart with a storm I would manifest into my own being. Intent steps crossed the training grounds. Spiraling curls bouncing with a fury before I spotted my target. About to corner them putting equipment away.

            “Thor!” I snarled openly. Warriors eyed me as I passed and turned to whisper. Thor dropped a staff aside and spun. Gaze registering. “We need to talk.”

            “About…?” He swallowed. Actually looked uncertain of how to respond.

            “You know damn well what about!” Fists curled and he softened at me.

            “We didn’t know until after when the session let out.”

            Magic swept and lashed. Threw a dummy target aside behind me. Crackled under hot knuckles.

            “He humiliated me!” I shook before him, bottling everything I could. Shattering still. Thor looked beyond me and took my shoulder. I thought to shake him off because the warriors were watching and I was already ruined. We went into a separate room.

            “Listen, this thing…”

            “He reported my parents without telling me! I woke up to guards knocking at my door and Loki nowhere to be seen!” I welled and pulled it back, somehow too angry to sob. “He wasn’t even there, I had to stand before Odin and his court alone while they questioned me! Alone!”

            “You weren’t blamed I’m told, no one believes that you were a part of any of that. I heard about...the assault.” Thor reached for me and dropped his hand. “None of this reflects on you, I swear it. I’m...I’m so sorry it happened.”

            “Not blamed?” I hissed back, shoulders high as Thor took pity upon me with his big eyes. “You know this court. You know these warriors. They prod and gossip because I’ve been scrutinized since Loki and I went public and they were just waiting for something to break! Waiting for me to trip up and now they’re being fed with a scandal!”

            “I won’t let this go further.” He promised. Towering over me. “They won’t-”

            “Call me a whore behind my back?” My snap had him freezing. Had I ever snapped at anyone like this? Least of all, Prince Thor. Future King. The crown I'd be serving until my time was up.

            “I mean no disrespect. They don't believe any of that. If they’re smart, they’ll know you never wanted to-”

            “Seduce you to be Queen at my parent's request?” I cut in, realizing that Thor and I had never actually spoken about this. “Gods, I can’t believe this is happening.” I rubbed my head and Thor stepped forth to comfort me but I swatted at him. “No. I… I need you to know that I never even thought of…”

            “Do you take me for a fool?” Thor tilted his head. “You’ve had eyes for Loki for years. It may hurt my pride but you’ve not taken steps toward me in…that light. I’m lucky but not that lucky.” His attempt at humor softened me. "We friends still?"

            “Yes, yes, we are. But, how many other warriors are going to believe that? I need to speak with Loki, tell me where he is. The damned coward.”

            “If warriors antagonize you, they will be dealt with. Come with me-”

           “I need to speak with him! You cannot lie to protect your brother now, tell me where he is!” I insisted again before taking a calming breath. I had no business yelling at Thor. “Please… Thor, can you tell me where he is now?” I blinked, pleading with him. Eyes huge and wanting. So lost and hurt that I could barely see straight. “Please.” 

            Thor narrowed his gaze a moment, exhaling before he spoke.

            “You might locate him in the nearest pub off the south grounds.”

** ** ** 

            Where is he?

            Fixing my cloak, I entered the right pub. Larger and rowdier than others which is why Loki picked it. Time beat. I craned my neck to see over the loud warriors enjoying their drinks. To my luck, I spotted my prince at a table in the corner, writing in a thick book with a full goblet in front of him. I counted at least three bottles of expensive wine at the table. 

            A strange sight to see Loki hunched over. Head in his hand while he wrote. Irritated. A page was torn before he seemed to restart. I paused a moment, realizing I might explode at him so I pulled myself together for a second and decided what I was going to say. 

            Without so much as a glance at me, Loki’s foot kicked out the chair across from him and I huffed before standing tall and crossing the room to sit in the offered seat.

            “Thor, I take it? Of course, not even my dearest brother in all his bloodlust can resist those large, somber eyes when they plead. Maybe he would have been the better prince for you.” Loki hiccupped, continuing with his work. “He’s always had that soft spot. Wouldn't hurt you. Not like this.”

            Some of my anger fell away because confusion welled. He swayed there trying to sit up straight.

            “Are you drunk?” Had I seen Loki this wasted in my life?

            "Possibly..." He slapped his book shut, further words evading him. Magic wished it away before I could ask so I jumped back to anger as he tried to steadily look into me.

            “I had an interesting morning after being suddenly ordered to the throne room, but I think you knew that,” I glared at him. Standing as tall as I could manage. "You put me under your sleep spell and broke my trust."

            “Yes." No denying it. "To be fair, you were already in shock. My spell was meant to be soothing and it...pushed."

            “They called me in to speak against my parents as they were finally formally charged with conspiracies against the royals and my father also with assault. The whole court was there, it was mortifying. Even Frigga had to speak. You left me to fend for myself.”

            “Oh.” Loki tilted his head at me, blinking several times. “Is that not what has been occurring? Did your father not beat you bloody yesterday? Was I not the one to clean the woman I love up after her fucking parents abused her. Used her for their own ends? They were lucky to get off the first time conspiracies were whispered when you came to my benevolent mother.”

            My defenses rose high at him. The profanity was a surprise. 

            “I don’t think I’d call it assault, I was-”

            “Do you really believe any of your actions warranted a-?”

            “No! Gods, no but you-”

            “They should have backed off. Being as they did not, the King and Queen cannot stand for this. Manipulating a marriage to the future king is treason. I have a...a duty. So many...” Loki braced his elbows on the table and touched his chest. A long drink followed.

            “I told you to leave it be.” I stole the goblet from him. Flaring. “Can you not do this right now? Why are you this drunk, Loki? Thought you came here so I couldn’t make a damn scene.”

            “I wanted to be drunk for it,” he'd replied. Almost pitiful.

            “For what?” Came my seething as I leaned in, smacking my hands down. Loki stared through me, wounded.

            “For when you ended it.”

            My world stilled. Recoiling, I sat back. Lost again. Unable to process much else. My head shook with a shaky breath. 

            “You...You think I want to break off our relationship?” I sounded out. Felt funny. Was I really that upset? Upset enough to leave the man I love behind. “You went before the king despite knowing that I might want to…”

            Loki sniffled at me. He eyed the goblet but left it alone. Emotions sweltered.

            “I love you more than anything,” he said, sounding more sober, “even if it means I lose you, I’d do anything to see you safe. Do you not realize that? I knew it would ache, but the right thing often does that. I stood by you for too long. Watched you get hurt. I can't do it anymore.”

            “You made my decision for me.”

            “Yes,” he grew still, “I hoped you’d beat yourself up less if you could take the fury out on me as well. I thought taking the pressure off would be the better end.”

            “You can’t just do that, Loki, you can’t manipulate this. You can’t just...fucking care. Gods.” I welled and wiped my eyes. Rueful. “You can’t make it this hard to be upset with you. Gods be damned. I was finally getting ahead and now they’re all looking at me. Labeling me and I can’t… You said you wouldn’t do this.”

            “I said I wouldn’t go to your parents and I didn’t,” Loki spoke. “You should not be surprised. While you are not involved with them; naturally, I do not appreciate when any being threatens my family or the woman I cherish.” 

            His level words made me pause but I shook my head. Focus, you’re still upset with him, I had to tell myself.

            “No matter. They are now to pay a large tribute and are not allowed on palace grounds or near me. While everyone I’m close to assures me I’ve nothing to do with them, everyone else seems to be looking at me like I’ve betrayed the realm for simply being their daughter. The Elders loved it. I hope you’re happy. We could have been fine, Loki!” 

            “They were not outlawed farther? Not even jailed? This is why the Elders have no place in the court with such a high standing as main advisers.” Loki glared elsewhere. “Do not tell me you had something to do with that as well.”

            “No, I was asked for the truth so I did give it. Somewhat begrudgingly.” I paused. “But, you acted without warning me, or talking to me at all, even after I told you to stay out of it.”

            “I love-”

            “That’s not an excuse!” I stood my ground, vibrating and seeming to shock him. “You always believe you know best and guess what? You don’t always know best, Loki. You don’t have half an idea of my history with my parents and I want you to back off it. This can hurt you too, we’ll never get the court to approve of me now. Try to understand and get that through your head before you speak to me again.”

           “You try discovering someone you hold dear is still being exploited and abused in multiple fashions. Now, look at me and tell me what I did was incorrect.” He swiped the goblet to gulp it down. “If we’re over, just say it.”

            Furious, I stood up abruptly, my chair skidding across the floor before I marched out. Not giving him anything more. I did not want to be sensitive and dependent, but I was more often than I’d like to admit. 

            Loki called my name, stumbling up to follow after me. Halting, I looked around at the crowded warriors. Prince Loki shouldn’t be tripping around in this state. Deflating and stoic, I returned and grasped his wrist.

            “Don’t,” I saw his mouth open and close. Loki’s tall frame slumped over me, arm over my shoulders so he could walk. Shuffling out together.

            “Royalty, I swear on all these damned nine realms,” I blew a curl from my face in the cool air, “it’s the middle of the day. My reputation is likely ruined for good and the second-born prince of Asgard is, ah, completely wasted in my arms. This is just perfect. Exactly how I hoped the day might go.”

            “You smell like winter fire, did you know that?” Lips mumbled into my hair as we went. Eyes shifted to glance so I had Loki hurrying. He made this hiss like he might lose control and sink his teeth into my throat. “Your magic makes my mouth water. Do you realize how rare you are? There must be something beautiful in these veins. I long to know more.”

            “Yeah, yeah, I'm still mad at you. Stop…” I trailed off, chest sinking. Not processing what he'd actually said. “Just come this way.” 

            Hands propped Loki up into a pillar so I could peek around the corner. When it was clear of palace attendants, I jerked Loki back into me. We scurried around corners and up a couple of winding staircases. He made some vague complaint about being dizzy as we arrived to his chambers in one piece.

            “Okay, do the thing you do,” I balanced him on me and plucked up his wrist so he’d flick it toward the door and undo the many locks he’d enchanted. “Good prince, now inside.” Loki dragged until I dropped him in bed. Huffing, I fell beside him and groaned. 

            “Wish you were sober so I could be more upset with you,” I mumbled into my hands, eyes peering between my fingers. Loki opened his to see me, pushing up. “No, I am upset with you and I'm going to keep chasing that.” I cursed him and shot up, moving to the bookcases so I could find a specific potion. Loki’s well-organized stores took two minutes of browsing. “Drink this so you’ll start to sober up. Now. I have more to say and you're being a brat.” 

            We struggled until he was gulping it down. Every drop. My fingers shifted his hair back into place out of habit. 

            “Better?” I watched Loki hunch and study me. “Damn it, Loki. Just, damn it. You twist my emotions and just…” Seething, I marched off to toss the empty vial in his bathroom sink. Bracing myself, I refused the mirror a glance. “I can’t believe you. Of everything...you just couldn’t leave it alone! You hurt me! This was an awful thing you did and you can't dress it all up as care. That was my choice, mine!” 

            I went back out to face him. Loki exhaled and pushed up from the bed, rubbing his temple to focus.

            “You think you’re on your own in this?” He steadied, eyes intent on me now.

            “I realize you’re trying to help. I do. I withhold things and I try so hard to open up. So hard to work through this all and I love you so much, Loki, but I don’t owe you my trauma! Courting someone beneath your station doesn't make you entitled to all their secrets all at once!” I’d barked at last when the right sentiment came. “Gods, you already do so much for me, and I can’t…”

            I centered myself and stepped toward him. The bed separating us. Calm.

            “Loki, you’re so encouraging and you have a huge heart even if you try to pack it away some days. I understand why you did it, I do. I just…” Eyes shutting, I shrugged helplessly. “You had no right. It should have been my choice. Mine. You took that away from me because you believe you know best and that makes me feel so small. I have to face the court with that filth on my name for the rest of my life. Do you realize that?”

            Maybe it wasn’t the end of the world but it still picked all my wounds open for the crows to feast.

            Loki fiddled with his hands. Jaw setting when he straightened and turned his eyes. I continued.

            “I don’t need you to fix everything. You can’t even if you tried. There are days that I’m just going to be unhappy and that’s a hard fact to face, but it’s reality. Days where maybe I'm making a bad choice, but that choice is mine to make. You can’t make this about your inability to change all that. I was fine with us just doing our best to work through it and bring each other up.” I shook my head, eyes turning. "I shouldn't have gone yesterday and yes, I should have reported it myself. I know that. I should have reported it the first time it happened. But I was a child. You think I would have been listened to over a grown man?"

            “You frighten me when you run and withhold so much,” Loki replied, “you’re allowed your secrets. Your way of processing. But, some days you just shut me out completely. I’m not saying it’s wrong. I figured...I figured a clean break from the source would…”

            “Everything that happened already happened. I’m the source now.” I frowned, sniffling. “Can’t wish that away. And I’m frightened too. All my life, I never allowed myself to be...dependent. Never allowed myself to feel pride and feel loved, but that's my battle. Not yours.”

            “I don’t regret what I did,” Loki explained, harder now. “I knew the consequences and I do regret that I harmed you. Betrayed your trust thinking I could solve the problem myself. I just want you to feel safe. I want you to feel safe every single day to display your fury and fears the way you did just now. You fear displaying these unsavory qualities, why? Do you think it’s weak? Letting yourself be dependent on another? Knowing they might crush you but will not.”

            Loki welled at me, voice thickening, before he tremored and remained even.

            “Are you really still so accustomed to dealing with your own issues, your own pain, that you cannot process the thought of another lulling you into true security and safety for a period of time?” He portrayed, so easily, a depth of grief I spent my life hiding from.

            “I was finally moving on.”

            “You were and you cast yourself back the moment you started to feel safe. That’s a pattern.” He saw my eyes shift to glare elsewhere. “I can’t watch you do it. I cannot watch you hurt like that when I can do something. I cannot watch a father beat his beautiful child down to nothing.”

            Loki uttered my name and I refused him a glance. 

            “Even now, you shifted focus to what the court thinks. The warriors. How it’d make me look being by your side. Shift that still perception on yourself. You know the court was always too wrapped up in old ways to ever accept you. And our relationship. To Hel with them. That’s what we would joke. You know you’re forging your own legacy and your parents were always far removed from that. You know you’re on the right path or in that realm. Does it scare you so much when things are right in your life?”

            “And?” My arms crossed. Tight so I could hold myself. “Are you hinting I went because I…?” 

            Because I wanted to hurt. Wanted the punishment. Wanted the stimulation I was so accustomed to. Loki stared into me. Too sober. My resolve weakened. 

            “Why is it, when we have everything…we are still such insecure creatures?” I breathed, eyes flickering over his face. “It is because we feel unworthy or because we feel that we will lose it? You know, finding you so drunk. It’s funny, I always thought that might be me with you playing caretaker. I thought for so long I’d inherited my father’s sickness. In some way, I still did.”

            “It made you uncomfortable. I won’t get that drunk again,” Loki promised so smooth and settled. “You’re not your father or your mother. I can’t promise I won’t slip up. Can’t promise that I won’t do something that hurts you again. But, I’ll never be him."

            “You’re not. You love me and he never tried. I thought he’d at least try.” I rubbed my arms. “I hoped he would.”

            “His loss, you make it so easy to love you.” Loki’s lips pressed and we shared this easier beat. Tension simmered when I gave a sniffle. More truth flowed at Loki’s beckoning.

            “I’ve put everything into concealing the scarier sides of me because I was always sure that no one wanted them. Playing pretend for mother and father just mutilated me. It’s like I split my soul in two pretending to be something else. Like the real part of me died regardless without care and what was left was the void.” I swallowed the lump down. I wasn’t me and yet I was. There was no living normally feeling like a fraud.

            “We can nurture this. You.”

            “No matter how many times you assure me that you want them, a part of me is still holding back because I’m afraid of having you take the brunt of my ugliest parts that I'm still discovering and allowing free.” Steps shifted and I came around the bed so we weren’t separated.

            Loki stayed in place. Instead waited for me to close the distance myself. Fingers clutched at my sleeves. I exhaled all shaky and searched him before going on. Finally, I gave in. Utterly and with pure flowing passion.

            “I hate that I can ask you so easily for your ugly side but often hesitate to give mine. It isn’t fair.” I tried to smile with watery eyes and failed. Feeling ached. Life ached. Even if it was sweet.

            “You are accustomed to hiding yours completely. It is in your nature.” Loki spoke and I paused. "I do not blame you." Arms dropped while I winced at myself.

            “Those parts of me were all I had once.” I watched fresh sun show in through the windows, illuminating his bedroom in rays. Heating. Carefully, I let myself step into them. Felt the glow.  “I’ve based my entire life around locking them away and I think I’ve adapted to that, which is awful,” my voice weighted, “it’s so awful but, now, I…I don’t know what I’d be without them. And if I dig myself out of one hole, what if I fill it with something worse? What if I end up like my parents and complete that cycle?”

            “You couldn’t hope to be like either of them,” Loki replied and I could feel his eyes on me. “Though, you are also not always as clever as I thought you to be.”

            “Why?” I breathed, eyes on a tapestry beyond him.

            “Because I happen to love that somber and frustrated girl still.” The tender words caused me to turn. “I can be patient with her when need be...while she offers the same. And she does. You're not like your parents. Not a bit. You deserve more.”

            “I’m not?” 

            “You're filled to the brim with empathy that you do not even know what to do with sometimes. And that's fine. You're not a bad person. You're allowed to struggle. Asgard... We are flawed and not equipped well to handle such illness. I wish it was different. I do. But, I am here and so are you. We have each other. We'll get by the way we know how. We'll help each other.” The corner of his lip upturned and I beamed a little. “If you’ll allow it.”

            “I can.”

            “If it makes you comfortable, I’ve much to discover as well. I realize that. This will pass. The court will move to other topics. It’s not the end and it won’t come between us.” Loki promised me that, head cocking. “Are you still upset with me? Wouldn't blame you.”

            “I might be for a while longer if that’s alright?” I let Loki cup the back of my hair so he could bring me in and kiss my temple. “You know why I didn’t tell anyone.”

            “Yes,” Loki murmured, nestling me into his chest with one arm, “and none of it was your fault. You’re here in a better place and there is pride to be held with that. The court and brainless side of warriors will back off. They’re jealous, that’s all. You’re favored in the House of Odin and they cannot stand it. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry. You're not small and making you feel as such...I hope you can forgive me and I'll work to earn your trust back.”

            “Can we have our lesson?” I peeked up, one hand slipping into his. “Just finish a day the way we were supposed to. I want to finish runes. Make sure mine are implanted, tested, and battle-ready. Another bit of comfort to keep me safe from offensive magic.”

            “Can I take you to dinner after? Off grounds.” Loki beamed upon seeing my encouraging smile pull. I came to his chest where I felt safer. Closed my eyes.

            “I’d like that.”

** ** **

            A quiet shift in the healing room was welcomed days later. Sun shining. Bottles clicking of a fresh potion I’d perfected and began to store away in portions. 

            Warriors who barely knew me would whisper aside and I’d pretend they weren’t speaking about me. The court would play their tricks, it didn’t matter. Not while I was free and home. Days would pass and they’d grow bored. Find better gossip. My shadow cast larger.

            Focus, I exhaled and lifted my hands. Fingers beckoning like invisible strings looped around each twitching digit. Graceful. Many little bottles came up from the table in a soft swell of lavender light. Dancing their way to the proper shelves. 

            I took time to enjoy the pride this hour. Increasing.

            “Getting good at that.” A voice cut in smoothly. Not startling me or my intent eyes.

            "Moira." My head turned but my eyes didn’t leave the task at hand so she came to my right. “Loki’s test of making me levitate full glasses of wine over my head for hours on end paid off. Many, many stains later. Although, I did beg some good cleaning and mending spells out of him for almost ruining so many of my shirts.”

            “Maybe you levitate the Elders from their chairs next?”

            “I heard that the King got with them at both of his son's beckoning again and they’ve been, ah, quiet to me since that time. Them and their well-paid birds.” I finished what I was doing, hand swiping to close the glass cabinets in sync. “All set.”

            “Good to hear,” she hesitated, “how have you been since…?”

            “Better. Loki and I talked through things. Healed up. Weird to see you in the dorms.” I remarked and she smiled at me, shrugging.

            “A friend was leaving and we...were close. I wanted to say goodbye to her. New assignment on Alfheim, she couldn’t resist.” The smile twitched somberly before she tucked some black hair aside.  “Are you out after this, too?” Moira set her glass pad aside after powering it down, unclasping her blue robes for good measure. 

            "I was thinking about going out for lunch... You've been this amazing help since I started in here, can I buy you a meal?" I clasped my hands. She looked a little surprised, but I didn't often see her with others outside the healing room either. “Just need to drop my robes off in my room, you can leave yours too.”

            "Oh? I'd like that." Moira shrugged off her robes to come with me. 

            "You'll also have to tell me where you got that dress made," I commented and she giggled in turn.

            "I know some people. They charge a fair price and friends get a discount. I'll have to take you," she curled her arm into mine. "I had errands to run after lunch. There's this tea shop, just opened. They have everything. We should go after."

           "Tea sounds incredible after these last few weeks." I beamed. "I was going to take the evening off to swim with the court ladies. You should come with us. We make fun of the council and swap secrets. Did you know Maven and Erikur have gambling problems and aren’t even allowed into treasury meetings? How embarrassing is that?”

           “I can see it in Erikur, the old rat,” Moira and I hurried around the corner into the sun together. “Relaxing might be nice for once.”

           “Loki hid runes under my skin the other day and I’m still sore.” I made a face.

           “Ah, I have a few myself. They’re not pleasant going in, but they do a lot for magic users. I’ll bet he’s an expert at hiding them. I hear taking them out hurts worse and leaves you so vulnerable.” She replied with a shrug.

           “His were in a few surprising notches.” I pondered, eyes shifting while we made our way toward the towers. 

           “The court ladies always seem so intimidating.” Moira admitted, arm still looped into mine. Warriors passed around us. Offered pleasant smiles for the most part.

           “They’ll love you, they just like to tease. As long as you don’t mind their forward way of play and flirting.” I laughed under the shimmer of god rays. Thrilled about how I glowed with them this hour. I had support everywhere I went. Friends I cherished who would always return that. A family. My days would look up. “They just love to entertain.”

           Moira snickered to herself, knowing more than she let on most of the time.

           “To be frank, I welcome it.”

Chapter Text

         The glow of moonlight spilled across my room. Vaguely, I recalled letting it bathe me with a lamp at my bedside. Eyes skimmed a novel. Trying to hold the neat prose before it had slipped from my hands. Nightgown silken and twisted around my thighs, I told myself I’d just rest a second before I was out. 

         Darkness rolled and a few familiar clicks roused me. Silent steps approached the bed as I turned to give a little sound. Hushed and barely aware, I felt out while fingers pulled the book trapped in my arm away. Knuckles skimmed the line of my cheek, rousing me from slumber.

         “Loki,” I nuzzled the fur blanket I’d lounged atop. “Hm, sorry, I tried to wait up for you.”

         “Nonsense, you deserve the rest after the spars Thor and I witnessed today. Taking Fandral and Volstagg down with one bout. Warriors chatted your ear off about it at dinner it looked.”

         “Got some drinks bought for me out of it,” my head rose to cock a lopsided grin. Fists rubbed at my eyes like a child to wake fully. I stretched out like a cat to let him admire me. “Magic and a practice staff and I landed my friends on their backs.” Loki hummed with some pride and sat down on my bed, planting a kiss upon my crown. “Sore though. I spent the entire day on the training grounds. No healing room shifts this week.”

         “You may have a few to pick up soon,” Loki remarked, standing only to go and shed his clothing. 

         Pushing up, I fixed my slip. Lush dark blue fabric catching the light while Loki paced back to see me. Stilling to admire again and drink in my stardust while I acted like I was unaware. One strap slipped off my shoulder upon twisting to see him, up on my knees about to shift over and make room.

         “You met with Frigga tonight, didn’t you? Any news?” I stretched back and curls tumbled over my shoulders.

         “You’re beautiful,” he said in the light of the moons beyond my window. Air puffed with amusement.

         “You’re deflecting,” I poked at his chest when he joined me. Hands felt up the lines of pale skin. Loki curved, palms already under my little silk number to bring me into him so he could kiss my neck. Pausing only to inhale roses and amber. Another kiss upon my steady pulse. “Now you’re really deflecting.”

         “I’m perfectly intent on the subject at hand.” His purr was followed by a squeeze of my bottom. Giggles elicited.

         “I’m worried now,” my breath hitched as we fell against the fur together. Loki came up to hover, stealing a hand to kiss my wrist. Inhaling again as if he couldn't get enough of me. Two seconds from ravishing me completely. “You’re being stolen from me, aren’t you?”

         “Been listening to healing room gossip, I see,” Loki deflated and fell into me. Head tucked under my jawline so I’d hold him. My fingers sunk into black hair, shifting sweetly.

         “No secret that Frigga was in talks to visit Vanaheim for training. I heard they have lots of new staff coming in. And some kind of celebration after that certain warriors are being invited to.” I trailed off as Loki came up. “She asked you to come and assist, didn’t she? Big projects.”

         “I might also have been given an extra invitation to their later festivities,” he lifted a hand, fingers flicked and a gold card materialized up his palm. Excitement had me fully alert so I reached before Loki snatched it higher. 

         “Ah,” Loki winked and gestured until I pushed up to peck his lips, stealing the card.

         “So official,” I admired the slanted writing, “but when do we leave? I don't see a date. I’ve never left Asgard before.”

         “We. That’s, ah…” Loki made a face and took the card to put it on my side table. “Mother and I depart in three days.”

         “So soon?” I frowned. “That why you tried to avoid it?” Loki draped himself back over me, lips curling.

         “I figured I’d get your leg on my shoulder and distract you first. Then share the news when I have you tuckered out.” He earned a playful swat for that. “The project Mother and I are on...it’s, ah, longer than usual.”

         “How long?”

         “Three months.”

         “Three months!” I squeaked out, head tipped back to the pillow as I groaned. “Loki…”

         “I didn’t realize it was that lengthy until tonight, promise.” Lips touched my chest. Persuading. “You and the warriors will fly over after for their banquet. I’ll get to show you off.”

         “I’ve always wanted to visit Vanaheim. Meet Princess Sigyn, they say she’s the most beautiful woman in all nine realms and a fierce warrior to match. I can’t imagine seeing their world beyond books.” I touched his shoulders. “Three months without you will be a strange bore.”

         “Not upset?”

         “No, maybe a little gloomy, but I’m proud of my prince for everything he does for our allies. Exciting opportunity for you to travel and show off how amazing you are.” Lashes batting, I smiled up at him. He flashed one in return, slowing to study my eyes. Utterly enchanted. 

         “I’ll leave you detailed instructions for your studies but keep up what you’re doing on the training grounds. All the while I brag about my favorite student.”

         “Only student,” I countered, sighing as he nestled between my legs. "Student and paramour. The court finds us obscene."

         “Yes, but you’re quite the troublemaker alone and I should hope so,” Loki laughed a gorgeous sound when he got another push. My lips gave a pout, fingers lifting only to tuck some back hair aside. “Be sure to make Thor’s life hellish while I’m away.”

         “I’ll try my best. Maybe I'll seduce myself another prince as planned and have you both wrapped around my finger.”

         "As long as I can be at your right when you bring all of Asgard to their knees," Loki hushed to lean into me. "Deal?"

         "Deal." Teeth dug into my bottom lip when Loki's mouth slipped to the hem of my nightie. Tracing the silk. Inching over the curve of my breast. 

         We shifted together, sighs leaving in concert. Deft fingers trailed into my hair to push a couple curls aside. I let him slow to leave a mark on my neck. Teasing a moan out of my throat. A thought dawned and I paused before sharing.

         “What if something happens while you’re gone?” I began and his head lifted. “With my magic. I mean, you said I was at that point of my being changing. Taking and expelling so much on a regular basis.”

         “Losing control is trickier only when you find your school. Mother and I discussed it. There are plenty of healers with just advice if you’re not feeling your best and...Father watches closely as well.”

         “Is that good or bad?” I scrunched for good measure. “The King keeping such a close eye on the woman you’re courting.”

         “He approves, we’d know if he didn’t,” Loki chuckled again so I took an easier breath, “I believe he just wishes to know you better. You’re a closed book to him still. Just finds you intriguing on this journey. He took part in my training early on before my mother took it all over. You can request an audience with him if you struggle.”

         “I may be old and grey before I find my school.”

         “Nonsense, we’ll keep playing to your strengths until you find a connection.” He kissed my cheek, lingering to peck the other until I beamed. “We won’t worry about such things. Now, I want a head start on...making this sudden trip up to you.” 

         Loki pushed his hips into mine. Lips found my throat until my muscles began to unbind. Fingers laced near my head.

         “Hmm,” I moaned a low hum, “maybe I’ll let you.”

         Loki flashed his teeth, hooded eyes glinting there.

         “You’ll be lucky if I let you out of this bed tomorrow.” 

** ** **

         “Practice frequently while I am gone, I left you detailed instructions on your desk. Keep the vines in check and avoid manipulating fire. Water will be the safe option, work on chilling it. Focus on dispelling bouts of pure energy, levitation, and projecting those wards. They'll do a lot for you. For fun...I left the quick change spell you asked about last week.” Loki closed the door after two attendants took his things out to prepare for his trip. I hummed blissfully at that, lips spreading over teeth while I clasped my hands.

         “I will. Thank you, my prince.” I watched him sit on the couch for a moment. “When we meet again, I’ll show you how much I improved. Knock you off your feet.”

         “I shall look forward to it,” he sat back as I leaned against the wall.

         “How much longer till you need to meet Frigga outside?”

         “Ten or so minutes,” Loki ran a hand into his hair, “they’ll return in a few for me.”

         “And then you’re gone for three months…” I breathed, making a slight attempt to now sound glum about it.

         “Three months is nothing.”

         “I know,” I crossed my arms. “But, whatever will I do without you and Frigga here to keep me sane?”

         “Seduce my brother and ensure your spot as queen obviously,” the prince remarked and I rolled my eyes.

         “As irresistible as Thor is, we both know that I’d be tossed from the palace,” I chuckled, glancing away while I moved toward the window to look out at the clear blue sky. Pink tinted clouds skimmed across it. “If you or Frigga didn’t get to me first.”

         “Oh, come now,” Loki’s voice changed and I paused, turning back to see he’d shape-shifted into his brother. Bulky and too proud.

         “Loki…” I suppressed a snort, laughing into my hand. He stretched out against the couch, settling his hands behind his head.

         “Am I not irresistible enough for you?” He said in Thor’s voice. “On our wedding night, I shall even bathe properly.”

         “How tempting. You spoil me in riches.” Pacing over, I touched the back of the couch. “I’ll still never get used to you doing this.”

         “Doing what? I am Thor. First son of Odin and I make sure everyone knows it. I desire battle and eating my way through the entire banquet before overturning the table in a fit of childish rage. My brother is far superior to me.”

         “Well, unless you wish me to kiss Thor, I suggest you turn back.” I tilted my head and grinned when he did so in an instant before taking my face in his hands.

         “Better?” Loki exhaled against me, raising an eyebrow when I touched his elbow.

         “Much,” I surged forward to capture his lips, fingers grasping at his clothing to lengthen the kiss for as long as I could. My chest warmed before someone knocked on the door, forcing us to part.

         “Yes?” Loki called breathlessly, eyes still flickering over my face while he held me there.

         “Your highness, the Queen is ready to meet you.” A voice muffled.

         “I’ll be out in a moment,” Loki responded, before pulling me back to resume the kiss. Stealing all my air.

         “I’ll…” I spoke between heated kisses as he moved to press his lips to my jaw and neck, “…miss you.” Loki inhaled the scent of my hair, his hand surging into it before he gave me one more long kiss and forced himself back.

         “Come see me off,” Loki released me to stand and I nodded before he took my hand to lead me out. The door clicked behind us.

         “Oh,” he began to dig into his pocket. We paced down the hallway and he produced a gold key on a chain. Ornate with an emerald in the base. “As you are well aware, my chambers are covered in enchantments but this will allow you in if needed. You are the only being permitted in now.”

         Loki remained nonchalant about something that sparked butterflies up my stomach. 

         “All right…” I offered softly, smiling a little when he pressed it into my free hand. Idly, I put it around my neck. A sweet promise that would hang there. Waiting.

         Outside, the sun shined down as a stable boy handed Frigga the reins for her horse. Thor stood at her side with the King opposite him when Loki and I got closer. Grass shifting around our steps.

         “Take care of each other, boys,” Frigga smiled when Odin kissed her hand.

         “Mother, Father,” Loki greeted his parents, running this hand along his horse’s neck.

         “I will ensure the safety of your beloved, brother,” Thor winked at me and Loki rolled his eyes.

         “I am certain that is just what she needs,” Loki replied, his thumb rubbed a circle into my skin.

         “Set a good example for us in Vanaheim,” the king spoke, “they will have our most talented sorcerers to look to for guidance.” Loki bowed his head and I caught his lip twitching upward as he turned to round the horse. While his family spoke behind him, Loki glanced at me and seized the opportunity to press his lips to mine quickly before I gazed down.

         “It’s just three months,” I told myself. "We've dealt with time before."

         “Just three months,” he smiled before reluctantly letting go of me to mount the saddle. Regal prince full of wit and grace. Loki let the sun bathe his expression and I thought to tell him he looked beautiful in the light. Hooves clicked along the steps.

         “Thor,” Frigga combed a few unruly blond strands into place, “be good.”

         “Of course, Mother,” Thor grinned like a damn sunbeam.

         “Till we meet again, my love,” Odin spoke as the queen touched his face in a tender gesture that made my heart warm. “Asgard is never the same without you.”

         “It is still in just hands,” Frigga replied while Thor moved toward his brother.

         “Suppose I’ll miss your tricks.”

         “You would be one of the few,” Loki’s mouth quirked with a nod. “Farewell for now.”

         “See you soon, brother.” Thor turned and I caught Loki’s glance before I took his hand and pressed a kiss to his knuckles.

         “I love you,” I whispered when his family had turned.

         “And I love you.” Loki watched me hesitate then move to stand by Thor before he guided his horse around. Casting me a look, he turned and smiled at Frigga next to him before they took off toward the Bifrost. Distance pooled too quick. Exhaling, I shuffled my feet and clasped my hands behind me as I watched the horses get farther away.

         "I suppose it's up to us to keep Asgard interesting now," Thor gave my shoulder an affectionate tap with his fist.

         "It would seem so," I smiled a little until he passed in front of me to go. Loki glanced back once more and I waved when they disappeared into the distance. The king turned to eye me, contemplating something so I bowed my head to address him.

         “My son is very much attached to you,” Odin began, crossing toward me. "It pleases me to see him settling with another, I worried I might lose him to his studies. A strong companionship was just what he needed."

         “What makes you state that, my King?”

         “He’s never been so hesitant to take a trip away before. The long pathway and transition to Thor's coronation hasn't been easy. I worried Loki would seclude himself completely. There is weight on the second-born that Asgard cannot begin to understand." Odin paused. I wondered if he'd ever actually discussed with Loki. Tried to ease those fears and insecurities. I wonder how often Odin struggled to be king and father. "Loki used to watch the sky as if he were waiting for his own stars to align. These days, all he seems to see is you. You’ve brightened the lives of both my sons. I realize there is weight on you as well and I see how hard you've been trying since your move.”

         My lips parted while the King spoke but I instead bowed my head again, almost bashfully.

         “That is very kind of you to say, your majesty. Thank you.” I let Odin tip my chin up with one finger to observe me. Regal and glittering gold in the light. He tucked my curtain of hair aside, eyes shifting but briefly. I'd never seen the king study my features so closely before and wondered what thought dawned in his eyes.

         "I should thank you at this point. I hear your skills in sorcery have been steadily improving. I expected nothing less with what I saw that first day we met so long ago. You were barely this high.” The King gave a gentle smile, palm out near his hip. "Be sure to feel that pride I know is in your heart. You deserve it." 

         Wind rustled the trees behind us. As I softened, Odin watched me still. Something more on his tongue that made his expression taper distantly. As if he'd seen ghosts inside my soul. Past. Present. Future. And they all turned their eyes to look back at him. 

         "Our court has been rough on you. And with your parents putting you in the position they did, I recognize the effort you put in this new year. It will pay off. Being with a prince, my son...a lot will be asked of you. For that, I apologize.” Odin tipped his head toward me. “Change comes in slow bouts. But, I have hope."

         My fingers clasped in front of me. Honesty swelled. 

         "I do as well."

** ** **

         The days began to pass. Not as quick as I liked. Thor and I both tried to keep busy.

         “I say we call it a day,” Fandral piped up to the group. Branches twisting together above us in a sea of lush green. “We haven’t even seen anything decent to catch.”

         “I am not leaving empty-handed,” Thor persisted with a stubborn pout. Sif rolled her eyes subtly, nudging her horse forward. Two and a half weeks had passed and his sour mood coincided easily with Loki’s absence. The golden prince seemed more bored than anything. Hunt wasn’t doing much for him except bringing out his burning competitive side. We’d been walking in circles and Thor was too proud to use Mjolnir for help.

         “It’s no use, we’ll be starved by the time we make our way back,” came Volstagg’s lament, earning a look from Hogun.

         “Can’t say this is the worst hunting trip I’ve been on still,” I commented dryly, shrugging before Fandral winced when he realized what I meant. “My insides are, well, still inside me and not being torn out. Sounds like a success.” 

         “You’re too beautiful to be that morbid,” Fandral glanced over on his horse.

         “Or just morbid and just beautiful enough to unsettle the masses,” I winked, “I do live to entertain.”

         “You’ll keep your precious organs and we’ll catch something to bring home, I bet my hammer on it,” Thor swore and I shook my head, amused.

         "Still mad at me for shaking that tree earlier?" I remarked and he twisted to puff at me. "Got your hopes up, I figured one of Loki's tricks would make you feel better."

         "I knew it was you!"

         "Did not," I shot back childishly, still beaming bright.

         “You’ll scare them all away with that shouting, Thor,” Hogun observed.

         “I am not shouting!” Thor boomed. Comically, flocks of birds burst up from the trees in sync causing him to simmer down. Poor thing wasn't focused.

         “Do we even know where we are?” Volstagg asked after a beat. "I think we passed this same thrush thirty minutes ago."

         “Better for us to start making our way back slowly before dark,” Sif looked to Thor, “perhaps you’ll find your prize on the way.” Horses stilled to round the clearing we’d made it to. Restless and circling.

         “I agree. Lead us on back, in that case, Thor,” Fandral’s grin faded when Thor paused for a moment too long with sweeping eyes, “you do know which way the palace is, yes?”

         “I know where my own palace is...” He turned back and forth a few times. Obviously uncertain.

         “Goodbye, organs,” I clicked my tongue. 

         “I have it. It’s that way,” the prince pointed to the left but neither of us moved.

         “Are you certain?” Hogun asked, reluctant before cocking his head right. “I think it’s this way.”

         “Yes…” Thor’s tone didn’t do well to convince the rest of us. “I am certain.”

         “We’ve never gotten lost before,” Volstagg replied instead.

         “Because it was Loki who always knew how to navigate without issue,” Fandral realized and I nodded, hand lifting to observe my nails. "This is what we get for picking the part of the forest we never go to."

         “He used to spend weeks on end studying various maps. For fun, he’d say...fun,” I added in a monotone and Thor exhaled, “probably tried to know our world as well as the gatekeeper. For fun...and bragging rights.”

         “Yes, he likely did,” the older prince sighed, restless. I dismounted my horse and tossed the reins to Fandral.

         “What are you doing?” He asked when I glanced up at a nearby tree.

         “Having my own fun. Trying to see where we are with the old-fashion way. Don't bother summoning Mjolnir, Thor, I want to try something.” I shook out my hair and stretched. “It’ll be faster than waiting on the hammer either way. I want to show you my new tricks.”

         “How’s that?” Thor perked.

         “Well, I’ve learned that all spells and enchantments connected to an element, though powerful, are usually not as effective when you have to summon the element yourself in a manner of speaking...” 

         Grasping a tree branch, I wedged my foot on the bark and pulled myself up. I guessed that was why Loki wasn’t too interested in them sometimes. Frankly, they were easy. World bending and manipulation.

         “...which makes perfect sense…” I remarked. “Of course it’s easier to simply manipulate something already at your disposal than to do it yourself from thin air.”

         “That sounds like something you definitely learned from Loki,” Sif commented with a slight scoff. Never Loki’s biggest fan.

         “Yes and Loki’s teachings are valuable in any length to those willing to listen,” I tried not to sound defensive about it but she didn’t reply either way. Careful, I pulled myself up onto a sturdy branch while using another to hold onto before I glanced down at the group watching me.

         “I’ll get up high enough and point our way to the palace,” I flash a smile before continuing onward.

         “You won’t get high enough in that tree,” Volstagg called up, “it’s impossible.”

         “Magic doesn’t care for that word, my friend, have a little faith in me,” I pulled higher, “if I fall, either get out of the way or catch me.”

         “Will do, sweet lady,” Fandral replied, “but try not to fall.”

         “I’ll do my best,” I smiled as my fingers flexed then glowed with wisps of lavender light. Eyes open and intent. Charged. The forest floor shuddered. Gentle hums that worked up the tree.

         “You all might want to back away,” I warned, pausing, “Thor, that means you as well.” 

         I turned to make sure they did so and Thor actually obeyed my words. Eyes brightened because he felt the thrill too. Magic welling. Grasping the branch next to me, I felt the tree wobble, the branches began to twist. Vines growing about until it shook once more and I was lifted up. A mighty whoosh of air pulsed. Bark crackling as the tree grew higher. Faster. Thrush extending all directions. Laughter leapt up my throat. I rode the air higher with building excitement.

         Exhaling with relief when my magic did the work, I got up onto another branch and wrapped my legs around it as I braced myself forward onto my hands. Don’t look down now. I did so anyway to see the ground growing further away. My friends with it.

         Holding tighter, I managed to rise above most of the trees before stilling. Swaying. Overcome. Marveling at the view of Asgard, my breath caught. The bright sun illuminated the gold of the massive palace in the distance. Almost felt like I could fly right there.

         “Wow…” Briefly, I hoped Loki would be proud of such things that were becoming natural to me. Shaking the thoughts aside, I peered down at the group far below when they waited expectantly.

         “What can you see!” Volstagg yelled up.

         “Everything!” I beamed while the wind rushed through my clothes. Kissed by the waiting sun, I stood up to marvel. “It’s amazing!” Holding tight, I pointed in front of me. Across the vibrant forest expanding all directions. “The palace is that way! Thor, you weren’t too far off!”

         “Glad to hear it!” He shouted to me. I took in the sight a final time, grinning. The same pull of light rushed down into the earth. Slowly, the tree retreated, bring me down on the branches with it until I was able to climb to the ground again. My friends clapped when I gave a bow.

         “That was the old-fashioned way?” Sif tilted her head, lips upturned, and I shrugged before getting back onto my horse.

         “More or less. It was the fun way.”

         “Loki would be impressed,” Thor smiled for the first time in hours.

         “Let’s get on with it, my friends. I'll buy us the first round of drinks,” Volstagg roused some added excitement. With a final nod from the prince, our horses took off toward the palace. Pushing harder beyond my friends, I let myself relish this day. New wonders that etched my life. Excited and hopeful for more to come.

** ** **

         Weeks kept rolling onward. Even slower now. I found myself in the library alone, as usual in my spare time. Moving to sit cross-legged on the table in front of me, I sat back and gazed about. Knowledge dripping in wait from every crevice. Luxurious shelves meticulously sectioned to no end.

         Lifting one hand, I waved it and magically drew back the curtains on one window and then another. A third came after. With both hands up, I exhaled and flicked back in a swift motion, causing every other curtain to slide back with a soft zipping sound. Perfectly in sync so the sun could gleam. 

         With fresher light shining in from outside, I tilted my head. Bathing in it. Warmth kissed my face. Didn't burn for once. Asgard's ethereal glow that washed so much away. The soft sun rays beamed through stained glass. Colored light danced all around me. Made the entire, empty library come to life.

         “Loki, I miss you, come home and entertain me,” I whined, bracing my hands behind me before I let my head fall back. 

         “Figured I’d find you here, talking to yourself,” Fandral appeared, leaning against a column. The door shut behind him and I sprang up, legs shifting over the side of the table.

         “My sanity may indeed be in question,” I huffed, smiling subtly. "But, we knew this."

         “You strike me as someone who can still function adequately when overcome by total madness.”

         “That’s the sweetest thing I’ve heard all day. No wonder you reel the lovers in so easily,” I winked. “Have you come to entertain me or watch me levitate objects to get some practice in? I spent two hours making wards and it’s time for something new.” One of my hands opened and the books on the table across from me began to lift. “I could try levitating you if you wish. Trying to dream a little deeper here.”

         “I think I’ll be fine with my boots to the ground,” he chuckled, “why not come outside today, the sun is…” When Fandral glanced up at a window, he paused to gesture. “Gone?”

         “Hm?” I looked up to see rain hitting the windows. Sky turning gentle shades of grey. Lightning cracked and thunder followed quickly after before Fandral and I looked at each other. Lips pressed in tune.

         “Thor.” We said it at the same time. In one motion, the sunlight exploded out again. Sweeping the area.

         “In a mood, I see." I pounded to myself, eyes on the glimmering glass. "Probably bickering with the King or council. He has to sit in on every meeting this week, even Loki’s. He’s restless. Annoyed with the council's way of talking down to him. Giving him meaningless tasks. Bored and cooped up. Though, I suppose threatening to replace them soured the mood unforgivably. You'd think they'd try harder to kiss his ass. I'm sure they tried initially.”

         “And he’s supposed to be King?” Fandral joked and came to the table I was on.

         “He feels his warrior duties strongly, if they’re not covered...I don’t think he feels safe or secure enough to take the throne.” I crossed my legs. "He'd never admit such a thing."

         “And what soul out there would ever be worthy and ready enough to take up Thor’s mantle?”

         “Maybe that’s what he’s always going to be searching for. Waiting for all the realms to converge and all the stars to align.” I replied, closing my book to stand. A distant dream of a smile crossed my expression. Fandral searched me as I sighed. “I do hope he finds it.” 

** ** **

         My weeks of endless study and healing room work paid off when the day came. I bounced around my room packing, modeling new outfits that Vada and Moira insisted on. Twirling playfully to the mirror. Giddy in my bones.

         “Your prince might fall to pieces upon seeing you. Wear the burgundy top. Show a little skin up top.” Vada gestured from my bed until I held it up. “Perfect, go put it on.”

         “Nervous about the Vanir royals?” Moira added as she filed through items on my vanity. I hurried behind a screen and changed. 

         “A little, it’s only a few days. Just them wrapping up and then the banquet. I’ve never traveled by the Bifrost before.” I came out and earned matching pleased looks.

         “Do send Heimdall my love, I used to find excuses to visit the Observatory and pester him with questions. Flirting naturally.” Vada winked. “Duty calls too fiercely to him, however. But, he does love to chat and discuss the worlds around us. I make it my mission to make him blush.”

        Heimdall was likely already smirking at the distant beckon of his name. Eyes turned to peek.

         “Thor, Loki, and I would visit him when we were little. Slipping off to ask about the stars.” I recalled it. “Loki would play games, trying to sneak up on the gatekeeper. He couldn’t stand it that Heimdall always caught him. Used to make him so grumpy.” I laughed into my hand before shifting to finish packing.

         “They say the Valkyries above us can see almost as Heimdall can.” Moira piped up softer from her seat. “Some even look to the past and future.”

         “I’ve longed to meet them. See them in action,” Vada sighed to herself and fell back. Moira stood, smoothing her tunic out before she smiled there. Full of tender grace.

         “Be glad you haven’t, they only show up in the end.”

         The women chattered as they saw me off to the stables. Hard not to skip all the way there.

         “Knock your prince dead,” Vada handed me the reins as I bid them farewell for now. Hooves trotting to join the warriors. Volstagg mounted a horse next to me before I spoke. 

         “What’s the Bifrost really like?" I balanced my bag in front of me. "Does it hurt?”

         “You feel almost like you’re flying, pulled into aimless abyss-”

         “Don’t scare our friend now,” Hogun sported a brighter face this hour. His family would be waiting at the end. “It’s a thrill is all he means.”

         “Interesting,” I shifted my animal toward Hogun’s, “may I ask you something?”

         “Wondering why my family has not moved to Asgard?” He replied, eyes panning to mine when I nodded once. “I was born in Vanaheim but Asgard has always been my home. My wife’s family considered it important that our children know their roots. Their culture first. Linh and I agreed. She also wishes at the present to be close to her sisters and elder family members. I fight for both realms and love them with all my heart. Distance does not change that. They'll move when ready and I will continue to serve with my steel.”

         “Both worlds are lucky to have you,” I replied, watching him beam as our horses nudged at each other. Fandral and Volstagg flocked to us while I waved at Sif gearing up across the grass. Specially chosen warriors roamed to prepare for the ride to the Bifrost.

        “Are we parting soon?” Restless, I craned to see everyone.

         “Soon, I’m sure,” Volstagg laughed heartily. “Eager?”

         “Well, I haven’t seen my prince beyond short letters in three months. Frigga kept him quite busy.”

         “If you start going on about this to no end, I might strangle you. Thor’s been at it all morning,” Sif appeared on a dark horse at my opposite side.

         “I’ll end up going mad and strangling myself if we don’t leave soon,” I shrugged. “Make it easier for you. I want to see Vanaheim already. And my prince.”

         “Let us keep the number of strangulations low today, gents,” Fandral admired himself in a dagger’s blade, “and ladies.” Sif rolled her eyes and moved to speak with Volstagg. Fandral’s horse got closer to mine. “Think of the lovely maidens to come for us.”

         “I already know what you have planned.” Amused, I simply shook my head at him. “I fear for their court.”

         “Fine, in your case, think of Loki’s posterior. Whichever you prefer.” He dodged a playful swipe. “Watch the hair, darling.”

         “Gods, Fandral, why are we friends?”

         “Because you’ve always loved me deep down?” My friend flashed his most suave smile. Always able to break me. 

         “Keep telling yourself that.”

         It wasn’t long before we were all flying over the grounds as one unit. Horses and a small barge charging across the rainbow bridge. Luminous and pulsing with multicolored light. Alive at the heart of Asgard. My hair swept up until I was laughing, speeding up to Thor’s side to race to the end. The challenge thrilled him.

         “You almost had me there,” Thor dismounted with me following, guards stepped to take our reins and make room for the barge behind us.

         “Please, I beat you,” I’d pointed to the end and Thor laughed, arm pulling me in. Bags swinging at our sides, we paced into the gold dome together. Heimdall stood straight at the opening, eyes steady on the cosmos beyond us. Still in wait. 

         “Been too long since you two were here and you’re missing your third,” Heimdall turned in one fluid motion. My breath always caught at the sight. Unchanged in the years I’ve known him. Bright gold eyes piercing into souls to no end. Something hidden in the depths.

         “It’s good to see you,” I came to his right. “How fare the stars?”

         “Exactly where they should be,” he smiled down at me with his deep rumble of a voice, “for now.”

         “We’re ready when you are.” Thor clapped Heimdall on the shoulder, at his left.

         “I’ve counted every complaint I heard from you two. Thor beat you by four.” Heimdall gazed ahead, the smirk dancing in his eyes. Bashful, I glanced down as warriors began to gather behind us.

         “I’ll get him next time, I’m sure,” I tucked a curl aside. “Forgive me.”

         “For the record, I have indeed always seen through the younger prince’s games. Sly as he might try to be.”

         “You’ve a skill we all covet then.” Swaying, I smoothed my tunic down and fixed the short cloak I’d clasped at my shoulder. “Vada sends her love.” My face scrunched to smile because Heimdall froze, sparing me an idle glance.

         “Her presence is always welcomed. I named a star for her,” one hand lifted to point at the endless galaxy before us, “that one there to the right. Shimmer of blush.”

         “Way to make hearts tumble,” I nudged his arm and crossed behind to see warriors getting into place.

         “See you in a few days, Heimdall,” Thor practically bounced there. Feet shuffling, I came between Sif and Volstagg while Heimdall moved to place his sword in its pedestal. Turning it like a key, the outer layer of the dome began to spin. Slowly at first before gaining momentum. The tip like a compass found its destination. Began to unfurl. I felt my heart lift with it.

         “I’m not going to just…float away, am I?” I whispered. “What if something out there grabs me?”

         Briefly, I thought of hands tugging. Peeling my every nerve apart. Falling endlessly. Being pulled into the vacuum of space. Hungry eyes that would glow from the darkest corners of these nine realms. Voices that struck fear down to the marrow. As I looked deeper into the pool of stardust, I thought for a moment that something was looking right back at me. Studying my face to memorize every curve.

         “Come here. First time is always the trickiest.” Volstagg grasped my hand, breaking my daydreams. “You shall be fine, I’ll hold onto you.” 

         The lights were dancing while Heimdall charged the Bifrost to its full strength, rainbow colors swirling as the observatory settled on the destination and spun to a starker point. Closing my eyes, I felt a force tug at my body. Hand squeezing Volstagg’s bigger palm. A storm seemed to engulf us before a second tug pulled us all away from Asgard completely.

         It felt like falling and flying all at once. Lights pulled me apart. Snapped back. I peeked out to see the stars surging by. Stomach dipping, I scrunched up and tried to breathe. Shut the world out again.

         And then my feet touched the earth, runes burnt into the ground in formation around us. Lungs heaved and I didn’t stumble, not too much. The wind and sun hit my face before I opened my eyes to see the lush world of Vanaheim when Volstagg released me. Alight with too many colors.

         Massive in splendor same as Asgard, Vanaheim’s ocean crashed into the rocks not far behind us. I looked out at the many ships. Cannons sparked up against the sky to signal our arrival. In awe, I came to watch the light rain before Thor stole my wrist to tug me into a barge. Sleek as any in Asgard. We roared past the lively markets. Vanir stopping to wave and cheer as we went.

         “It’s incredible.” I hurried to see over the side with Thor amused next to me.

         “Yes, it is. Mother and Loki will be in the palace waiting, we’ll greet them.” Thor’s hand found my back, he listened to me chatter about everything I saw.

         While Asgard came to stark points, Vanaheim stood decorated in curved domes. Statues of leaders past lined a great bridge. I noticed a few had been torn down to rubble. Built over. Thor explained only that Vanaheim had a couple in the distant past that they felt shame for. Frankly, I wouldn't have minded a few in Asgard to be yanked over but I didn't say that to Prince Thor.

         In silence, I decided quickly that I adored this realm.

         Trees of colorful fruit I’d never tasted whirled by us. Birds lifted toward the sky in formation. Thor greeted many nobles and attendants by name the second we landed. Bags were taken away as we followed a cobblestone path toward the palace. Decorated in sleek banners of blue, gold, and teal. Thor kept me walking with a guiding hand until we were inside.

         “Odinson!” A melodic voice beckoned from an adjacent staircase. “Still causing trouble, I bet.”

         “No more than you, Princess.” Thor patted my back while we turned to the elegant silhouette at the top. 

         Warriors began to separate and disperse after greetings. Princess Sigyn descended toward us, out into a ray of light. Dark eyes and black hair to match. A gold headpiece framing her crown in delicate vines. Layers of regal brown and gold silks moved around her hips from a long, ornate tunic. Tied tight at the waist. Bell sleeves to the floor.

         “Princess,” I remembered myself and bowed lower than Thor but she waved us off.

         “None of that, come up into the light, sister dear. Loki certainly talked you up enough,” she recalled my name easily and smiled as I moved up a few steps. “He didn’t lie either, your seidr runs red hot like this hair. I have a talented eye and nose for other sorcerers. How you spent so many years repressed and hiding that spark, I'll never know. Big things will come your way if you let them. Come closer to me, don't be shy.”

         Sigyn flicked her hand and I felt myself yank up another step. Deep blue light swept my bones. I caught her fingertips, nails colored a deep gold shimmer.

         “That sense come from being a sorcerer yourself?” I noted, pausing to smile brighter. Nerves simmered down. Stunning, Sigyn’s aura seemed to fill the entire hallway and flood over. Certainly an intimidating beauty to behold.

         “Yes, you could say I dabble in a bit of everything but runes and enchantments are my specialty. Binding spells as well.”

         “Princess Sigyn can cast her various traps from yards away with careful precision. Trapping whoever she likes in ah, creative enchantments.” Thor explained behind me. “Not that I’ve fallen prey.”

         “Certainly not, I definitely didn’t bind Thor to the dirt during our last spar together.” Sigyn laughed like a little bird’s song. She tilted her head at me in greeting.

         “I’d still like that rematch.” Thor grumbled, hinting a smirk.

         “It’s lovely to finally meet you, Princess. Vanaheim is truly stunning,” I found my voice again, trying to quiver before her glow.

         “Wonderful also to meet the woman who’s tied up Loki’s unruly heart.” Sigyn reached for my hand and looped our arms together as if I were an old friend. “Poor thing has been stuck in the healing room pacing all day waiting for your arrivals. Best not keep him or your queen waiting.”

         “What do you prefer to enchant?” I wondered aloud.

         “Meeting a Princess and asking about my skills instead of such tedious court recited questions, I like this one already,” Sigyn beamed at me while Thor followed us up. “Weaponry because I get to experiment. And suits of armor. I can make as many warriors as many sets I have at my disposal. Always entertaining to see my enemies tripping over themselves with no flesh to pierce.” 

         She laughed again and I joined her. Breathing easier.

         “Loki tells me you’re a quick study, I’ll send you both off with a few of my old books as long as you don’t mind all my notes in them.” We turned a corner together. “These authors could learn a thing or two from me, I think. If you get more into casting runes, I think they'll be a help. People neglect what you can do with them. Internally and externally.”

         “That would be amazing,” I thanked her.

         “Don’t go into her study, it’s the most chaotic place I’ve ever seen." Thor remarked quicker. "Worse than my brother.”

         “Sounds charming.” I shrugged with a grin. "Experimenting is everything.”

         “Someone else who gets it.” Sigyn stuck her tongue out at Thor which he mirrored. A great deal of history between the families. “Our healing room is just this way. You’ll forgive me, my father was just getting out of a meeting so the more formal greetings will be before dinner tonight. I’m free then to answer any questions you might have, but for now, go and see your beloved. Looks like healers are getting out for lunch.”

         Ladies in orange robes hurried to pass us. Sigyn gestured so Thor and I ventured on while she moved to resume her schedule. Asgardians were right at home here clearly. 

         We entered the emptying room to spot familiar black hair. Loki with his back to us, hurrying to strip off some gloves and organize a counter he’d been working at. Being in a room with his scent and magic already overwhelmed me.

         Frigga perked from the opposite side and Thor put a finger to his lips while the chatter dispersed. Creeping, I settled my hands over Loki’s eyes and felt him inhale. Already catching my perfume and lotions in turn. We were home again together.

         “Guess who?” I shifted as Loki straightened, relief washing over us both.

         “Hm, Sif, perhaps?”

         “Guess again, sweetheart.” Thor rumbled near us and Loki moved to shove at him before he was sweeping me up into his arms. Frigga touched her lips to giggle quietly. 

         Loki curved down with the healers gone to kiss me. Fully and complete. My arms went around him to return the fire that engulfed us both. His scent. His pulse. His fervor. All of it hummed into me. Made my knees weak. 

         “That’s it, kiss her good now, brother. How are your tongues not stuck tangled together?” Came Thor’s teasing.

         We broke to glare at the elder prince. Flashing his sweetest grin. Quickly, I pecked Loki again then hurried around him to hug Frigga.

         “Good to see you, dear.”

         “We’ve missed you both.” I heard Loki grunt as Thor trapped him into a pair of bulky arms. Brothers reunited and bickering already.

         “Put me down,” Loki flicked Thor off him with magic, lips tugging. “And to think, I missed you up until that.”

         “I get that often.” Thor rushed to greet his mother with a kiss after I let her go. Loki stole me close again.

         “This place is magnificent.” Hands grasped for Loki’s shoulders so I could brace myself. Dizzy from such excitement. So many new things to behold.

         “It only improves with your presence.” Loki already had me warm in the cheeks for him. Another kiss sealed us together before Thor coughed. “Mother, I wanted to-”

         “Just go you two. Show her around. We’ll catch up later.” Frigga swept her hand out until Loki was guiding me off in a hurry. Holding hands same as eager children. 

         We stopped down the hallway and got tangled into a billowing sheer curtain kissing again. Lips moving delicately. Bound together. Fingers bunching up fabric to keep from slipping away. Eyes closed while we pulled out to bask in the moment. 

         “Tell me everything,” I beamed up at Loki. He settled an arm around me, hand grasping at my waist to keep my close. Our frames outlined in the pulling sun, we leaned against the curved balcony to be alone. “The projects. The healers. Everything.”

         “Nothing too exciting, I’m afraid. Just work and missing you. Training all their new staff as well.” Loki ran his hands up my back, earning a shiver. Gossamer curtains wove around us like a protective veil. “We’ve about five days here to enjoy it before we go back.”

         “I want to see as much of the grounds as I can. Hogun wanted us to spend an evening with his family as well for a quiet dinner. I have to see the gardens and markets up close as well.” I cupped Loki’s face affectionately, so stupid happy this hour. Lost in my fluffier daydreams.

         “I instructed them this morning to take your things to my temporary living space when you arrived,” Loki replied, sighing, “I’d hoped to greet you out there properly but we were held up finishing today. You look ravishing, more so than when I left you.”

         “We’re together now,” I cleared my throat when I felt his thumb barely brush the skin above my hip, hands went under my shirt. Made me alert and hazy at the same time. “Might I…explore this living space you have?”

         “We won’t have much time…to explore the living space…because dinner is very soon, sweetheart.” Loki purred at me, stealing a slower kiss before we shifted out to keep walking. Fingers laced together. “I believe we won’t stop if we get started. Exploring, that is."

         “Can I at least glance at the living space? I’ve been waiting so long…to glance at it and I may implode if I don’t, my prince.” I winked in returned as we passed working attendants. 

         “If I let you glance, we might end up exploring it anyways,” Loki smirked, the nature of our conversation going unnoticed to the people around us. Vanaheim was just as beautiful as Asgard easily, lush with gardens around the palace. Flowers I'd never seen in person bloomed bright. Vibrant with so much life. I kept leaning out to see them below.

         “We’re walking a very fine line right now,” I shrugged, arm pushing around his back so I could lean into him. Comfort and security filled me to the brim.

         “Always are,” Loki abruptly pushed me into a rounded crevice with a window overlooking Vanaheim. With no one able to see us, I grasped to his clothing before he took my face in his hands. “Just a glance.” 

         Unable to articulate words, I let out a ragged breath and nodded before he stole a kiss. Our bodies pressed together so tight, I could scarcely breathe between him and the wall as I stood on my toes. Broad hands sunk into my hair, pulling and angling my face to deepen it. I managed to slide one arm around his neck. We broke apart and quickly kissed once more, gently this time before Loki pulled back from me and we steadied our breathing. With my body flushed and hot, I licked my lips and braced a hand against the windowsill next to me.

         “I don’t know if you're going to make it till later, kissing me like that.” I chuckled breathlessly, straightening myself up. "Like I might really float away from you."

         “Patience is my best virtue, sweetheart. I can show you some of the palace before dinner. After the meal, we have the whole first night to explore. Tomorrow, you’ll get an actual tour and we’ll see the healing room where you shall get to formally meet more of our companions, as well as see our work.”

         “Lead the way, my prince.”

** ** ** 

         Night fell. Dinner picked up in full, jubilant swing. 

         I remained quiet most of the meal while Vanir and Asgardians sat along the massive table. It was difficult to get a word in with everyone sharing loud stories, but I didn’t mind, shyly listening. Hoping to know this place better. 

         Not far from where I was sitting, Fandral winked at me before he nodded slightly to Loki on my right. Rolling my eyes, I shook my head in response. Let him continue his flirting because he made it a sport. Princess Sigyn commanded the room with her tales. This world adored and respected her. I wished only for a piece of that myself.

         After the long course, dessert was served and I plucked a chocolate-covered strawberry from my plate, relishing the sweetness. Chills ran my spine and eyes averted to see Loki staring down at me before he took a long drink of wine. Still watching me tongue chocolate from my lip. Slicking them. I had him.

         Acting unfazed, I continued to enjoy the treat before I glanced over to see my wine goblet shift on its own, closer to the warrior next to me as he told an animated story. When I looked up at Loki in question, the speaker brought his arm out and I didn’t have time to react before wine splashed in my lap. Gasping, the people around us hushed and my lips parted.

         “My lady, forgive me!” The kind warrior began to sputter apologies but I smiled quicker and shook my head, laughing to unbind the nerves.

         “It’s fine, it’s alright,” I assured him. He took his napkin and offered it to me. “Thank you.”

         “I did not see the goblet, forgive me, your clothes!” He took my arm to help me stand, dark wine swatches staining my knees

         “It happens. I should go clean up, really it’s no issue,” I kept assuring him, laughing easier with the people around me.

         “You’ve wasted such good wine, my friend,” Loki stood and took my elbow. “I should help her clean up for the night, enjoy the rest of your meal.” The prince bowed his head to the royals and elder nobles before he bid Frigga goodnight. Fandral sat back chuckling wholeheartedly from his spot.

         “Really, it’s alright,” I beamed again, setting the cloth napkin down. “Thank you for the wonderful dinner.” 

         People said a few goodnights so Loki led me quickly from the room and down the darkening hallways, air blowing the curtains in. When no one was in sight, I slowed to get Loki to pause and poked him in the chest. 

         “If you think I didn’t notice the trick you pulled to get us out of dinner early, you’re mistaken, you damn genius-” Abruptly, I got my hands on his face and yanked him down for a hard kiss.

         “Shall we?” He began eagerly pulling me along. Clothing flitting behind us.

         “By the nine, this is cold,” I whined, straining to keep up with his longer strides.

         “I’ll take care of it in a moment,” Loki turned a corner and sped up his pace to his room before tugging me inside. 

         Barely waving a hand to conjure a fire and light the lamps, he pressed me against the door as I reached back to lock it. The minute his lips found my neck, my entire body vibrated. Hummed out in bliss for him. His touch. His mouth. I could have slid to the floor if he wasn’t pressing me hard into the wall. Deft fingers slipped into the waistband of my pants before he tugged and I jolted when they ripped open, the ties all breaking apart.

         “Loki,” I choked out, he merely parted from me and shrugged. Tongue caught between his teeth to stifle amusement.

         “They’re no good either way. I'll buy you a new outfit.” My prince grabbed me by the hips and led me backward before he pushed me onto the large sofa, “I told you I’d take care of it. My love deserves a little worship tonight. I’ve missed her.” 

         Kneeling, he was yanking off my boots before the ruined pants quickly followed. Heart pounding, I grabbed at the cushion under me when Loki took my knees. We locked eyes before he pressed his lips to my skin, slightly sticky with spilt wine. Nipping. My head fell back against the couch, a sigh curling up into the air as Loki continued, his tongue sliding out to slip along heating flesh.

         “Not what I had in mind,” I muttered, laughing lighter. Already lost to this. “But, better...” When Loki shifted to my other leg, he moved forward to force my knees apart and got between them. Arousal gripped me. Fizzling out each nerve.

         “Am I not taking care of it appropriately?” He spoke, cool breath against my legs before he ran his tongue from knee to inner thigh. Seizing up, my entire body spread with heat. Electrified all down my spine. I heard him hum in thought. Dazed. “Much better dessert than what they served.” 

         “Missed you, too.” Teeth edged my bottom lip. I flushed as he came up to kiss me briefly, his lips that tasted of rich wine parting against my own. Not ready to let myself swoon, I pushed at Loki to get him to stand with me following. We kissed once more gently before I began leading him toward the bed covered in dark silks and lush furs. 

         “Look at you, so assertive.”

         “You just adore me when I get like this,” I was undoing clasps with skillful fingers. 

         Loki helped me undress him first; fabric and metal pieces falling to the floor before I pressed my lips to his neck. Stopping only to tug the dark grey tunic over his head. Poor prince nearly took a tumble trying to kick his boots off. Bejeweled eyes watched me caress his collar, palm flattening over the heart that was beating harder. Beating for me. Careful fingers traced over his pale skin. Mapped it back out.

         We locked eyes and I watched him lick his lips before I stood on my toes to capture his mouth. Exploring him. Every inch I missed. When Loki took my hips, I gave him a shove that sent him back onto the bed. Eyes lifting, he braced himself on his hands as his chest rose and fell. Need evident. Black hair slipping into his expression. 

         “I see why you enjoy that. Being assertive,” I whispered, almost shyly before I crawled onto the bed and between his long legs. Sitting on my knees, I allowed Loki to take my face in those divine hands. Moans tumbled. My palms slid against his chest. Hovering, our lips barely brushed. I drank him in, exhaling gently before we came together again.

         “Lie back,” he hissed against my mouth and nipped at me again, attempting to turn us over before my fingers slipped into his soft black hair. Breaking the kiss, I tugged and a breathy groan fell from his lips so I pushed him on his back. Hands running along every contour. Nails skimmed lighter. Got him to whine for me. “So, you really have been craving this.”

         “I just...missed you next to me. Is that a crime?” Forever honeymooning. I maneuvered myself so that I was straddling his hips. Contact pulsed white-hot pleasure. “Something tells me you’ve been in some agony though. Pining for me.” I rocked into him, tormenting. Loki whined again, the sound seemed to break apart. Lashes fluttering as I tugged one tie from his pants. Then another.

         “You look like you really want something, my prince.” I played it up. Coy as can be. Hair tumbling over my shoulders after I tossed my shirt aside. Broad hands reached out for me again. 

         “I want you wrapped around me, sweetheart,” Loki’s amusement halted when my fingers flicked. Playfully sparking a tiny shock against his knuckles. “Starting games? I hope you intend to finish.”

         “Hm, I had to practice magic all on my lonesome.” Pouting, I crossed my arms. “And I had to finish myself too.”

         “Poor, poor thing.” Knuckles smoothed up my thigh so I placed my palms flat upon his chest. “All alone. I’m here now and you can do whatever you want with me. I'm at your mercy, little apprentice.” Loki pushed up into me, eliciting a sweet purr. I tugged another tie out, leaving his pants loose around sculpted hips. Spine curving, I pushed over and stole his mouth. Lacing our fingers to hold his arms down.

         Was this me? The sexual nymph Loki was begging for. Was it our long honeymoon I’d clung to? Was I just to keep enjoying it? Would I mourn it when it was over? Would we only fall deeper after?

         Thoughts tumbling, I let Loki pull the rest of my clothing off before I sank down to get rid of his trousers. Lips edged. Static pulled out my fingertips. Ghosting up his sides. Feeling every muscle tighten and twitch.

         “Fuck,” Loki burst out against the allure of my magic teasing his flesh, “p-please.”

         Blinking, I ceased and came up to hover over him. Loki pawed at me, pushed our bodies together. Captured my mouth. Hands massaged at my hips. He begged through every touch. Every sigh was a plea for more and more. 

         “Let me feel you,” he coaxed, rubbing up against me. Dripping to push inside. I moaned, thrilled that I unbound him. That he was at my mercy. “You’re so wet. Let me fuck you the way you deserve. Until you can’t articulate. Can’t think.” Clenching, I mounted him to sink down. Easing us both. Sighs twisting. My spine came to a graceful curve. 

         “Missed how you felt inside me,” I pushed up, braced on his chest. So full. So hot.

         Curls fell over my breasts, swaying when I began to undulate. Indulging us both in the fiery haze. Fingers dug into my flesh, guiding with a vice grip. A cry yanked when he gave my ass a playful swat. Massaging before he did it again. Working me up toward my peak. Eyes shifted out toward the stars twinkling. Then back to my moaning prince. He cursed me and the heavens above all at once. The bed hit the wall, its rhythm kept me half alert.

         Loki caressed me. Pleaded for me. Loved me. Back arching, I let him touch me. Palms all over. Magic electrifying into my core. Souls twisting together to burn. My resolve weakened as he thumbed at my bud. I imagined flowers growing inside me. Twisting and unfurling slick petals with every bloom.

         “So beautiful when you ride me,” Loki mused, shifting abrupt so he could turn us over. My head smacked the pillows. Sinking into the plush. Hair fanned elegant to frame me there. I let him position me. One leg over his shoulder, splaying me wide to be fucked. Graceful hips worked into mine. “But, I think this will do as well.”

         Hands tearing at the pillows under me, I tipped my head back. Quivering. Already climaxing. A cry curved me. Loki didn’t let up. Spoiling me in his touch. In pleasure that undid every muscle. My leg slipped aside so I could bring him against me. Nails raked pink down his shoulders. A filthy kiss mashed us together while he let go. Spilled inside me.

         Foreheads touched as he breathed, glowing in a cloud of unmistakable pleasure. Loki’s lips trailed lazy kisses along mine and up my jaw. Breathless, he rolled aside.

         “Have I mentioned…that I missed you?” Lips lifted when I peered at him.

         “You might have,” Loki chuckled there, black hair a mess under his head. 

         “Not too late to say it again though?”

         “No, certainly not.” Loki shifted back, arm under me to bring me against him. Hot bodies curled together. “Might have a few more rounds in me if you do?”

         A moan pulled and my kiss was answer enough. Loki and I melted together on a bed of stardust. Got lost in each other while the night ticked onward.

Chapter Text

        “Most of the work has been here with the healers,” Frigga smiled as she led me through Vanaheim’s healing room. Men and women bustled around, going about their work and I spotted Loki across the way with a group of his own. “Loki was a huge help to me with the apprentices.”

         “None of his tricks made it here?” I asked in jest while she rounded a desk, smiling.

         “I assured him that if they did, I would not be happy and Loki knows what I am like when I am truly angry," Frigga's tone, tender like a song, had the slightest tinge of menace. Her blush gown flitted as she moved about.

         Glancing over at the prince, I snickered more so to myself. Frigga went through a box in front of her. Assured everything was in order. The group around Loki dissipated except for a woman still actively talking at him. Looked to be no younger than me. Straight, dark brown hair with a sleek sheen and hazel eyes. 

         With a wide smile, she giggled at something he said before pushing at his shoulder. That's my thing, a voice nudged at my thoughts before I shook my head. Ew. No, none of that. She took his arm to lead him to a bookcase and show him something before he smirked at her. No, these thoughts aren’t even going to start. I’m not the jealous type. Am I? Snapping my gaze back to Frigga, I couldn’t help blurting out the words.

         “Who is that?” I closed my mouth quickly. Lips mashed.

         “Who? Oh…” Frigga simply shook her head at me and smiled. “She just leads the group Loki’s been supervising.”

        "Ah. How nice."

         I watched the woman interact with him off and on through the day when I came into the room. Frigga kept me busy enough with little tasks. Loki seemed to enjoy all the adoration from everyone because the entire room fawned. But this woman. She kept finding reasons to come up to him over the hours, other girls did as well as a profound number of boys. Many who didn’t even work near the room, but none quite like her. 

         The longing in that smile was one I recognized but something different was there too. Felt like I was watching myself moon over my prince. Back when I prayed to just be in his orbit.

         When Loki and I finally got a chance to talk, I didn’t bring it up. Well, I tried not to. Alright, perhaps not at first. This didn't bother me on Asgard. Not as much. 

         “Did mother show you every detail of the healing room and tell you every single thing we’d done?” Loki browsed a corner shelf of tomes. “Save me the trouble of explaining all the projects. I need a break from potion making after this.”

         “Pretty much,” I beamed, crossing my arms. Loki thumbed through a book and leaned into the wall. Not looking at me with his brow knitting intent.

         “I am about finished here. If you are not busy, join me for lunch. Just us.”

         “I told Thor and the others that I’d go to the pub with them later but until then, I’m all yours-”

         “Prince Loki?” That pretty woman was appearing next to me and something twisted my stomach.

         “Ysolda,” Loki acknowledged her.

         “The group finally perfected the tonic, what should I have them do once they box them all up?”

         “Perfect it at least three more times.” He instructed with a hinting smirk, still locked into the page he was studying. She giggled, nodding before she turned to me. Seeming to notice I was there. 

         “Oh. Is this her, Prince Loki?” Smiling brighter, she snatched my hand before Loki could respond. “The prince spoke of you so often, I’ve been waiting ages to finally meet you. Queen Frigga said you were beautiful and she was correct.” My lips twitched into a grin and I introduced myself.

         She was being so kind, it made me feel awful about the worrying already.

         “Nice to meet you… Thank you.”

         “You’re just so lucky,” she gushed.

         “Am I?”

         “You are,” Loki flashed a smile and I suppressed the urge to roll my eyes at him.

         “Loki’s been nothing but wonderful here,” Ysolda went on distractedly. “Perfect really.”

         “Has he?”

         “I have,” Loki added again.

         “We’re considering just keeping him,” Ysolda joked and my chuckle caught. This is awkward.

         “Are you?” I cleared my throat, something here made me feel small. Like I was outside a joke.

         “They are,” Loki piped up and I raised an eyebrow at him before he shrugged, enjoying the attention again.

         “I mean, I’m…afraid the prince is very much wanted back home,” I touched Loki’s arm after he set the book away.

         “We’ll have to find a way to steal him back for a while. You know, Prince Loki’s been instructing my group and he’s been such great assistance. Such a sense of humor too. I, I mean, we shall miss him. Really, his one-on-one instruction was unparalleled. I don’t know where I’d be without it.” Ysolda chattered on and I realized perhaps part of my insecurity stemmed from losing my instructor. In a matter of speaking. Truthfully, I liked being Loki’s only student in secret. I certainly fought hard for it. Maybe that wasn't fair. Still, I was clouded.

         “Yes…he’s wonderful,” I kept smiling by default almost.

         “He’s become close to us and, oh, I feel like I’ve known him forever. One of those old souls. I’ll miss my friend indeed after all of this. I must come see Asgard one day. Loki told me so much about your world,” she was staring up at him again but Loki seemed unfazed which set me at ease. “I’m glad to have met the woman who has taken his heart. We must talk again sometime before you go. You work under him, don’t you?”

         “With him now. Ah, certainly, I’ll be around.” Gentle, I nodded and smiled soft as she grinned at Loki. All starry-eyed. I recognized that too.

         “See you in the evening, Prince Loki,” Ysolda turned after Loki nodded before I followed him out the opposite way. Unable to help myself, I clasped my hands together and spoke.

         “So…she seemed…friendly,” I offered, nonchalant, but Loki was already staring at me with that damn expression I knew too well.

         “She is.”

         “And you’ve been...instructing. Her. Her group. That’s nice. So nice.” I tried and Loki clasped his hands behind his back, smirking. 

         “At mother’s request. She is head of one of the groups I was put in charge of. We’ve spent much time together.” He paused, amused. “I’m afraid I’m leaving you for her.”

         “Loki!” I pushed at him. “I’m being serious. She’s completely lost in you and you love that everyone is giving you all this praise. I am proud of you for making an impression on this world, they love you. Tripping over themselves for your old soul gaze.” Loki relaxed, amused at me.

         “Not completely lost and to be perfectly honest, she isn’t the only one. As you saw. But, that is how it is on Asgard as well, and do you believe I’m going to leave you for any of them? Gods, you have lunch with court ladies I've been with, all the while I'm a wreck wondering if you're comparing stories.”

         “I don't partake. They say good things about past lovers," I winked, shoulders dropping. 

         “Fandral and Thor both are lost in you,” he’d countered in addition.

         “Please, I’m a comforting and unarousing piece of furniture to them. Like a well-loved house plant. A fern.” We both snickered together. "It isn't a big deal. It’s not you I don’t trust in this. She seems…nice but… I don’t know… She just makes it so completely obvious and the way she looks at you is-”

         “Well, you see, the people here actually like me. It’s almost odd, this whole constant behaving thing while I work. They like magic here more, probably due to the princess. She’s beloved.”

         “Not what I mean,” I touched his arm.

         "Think I'd leave you after I spent most of last night with my tongue down your throat."

         "Ah, hush. Not here...and I'm still sore, so I won't soon forget last night." I blushed, looking around. “Look, I just…we’ve been separated for a while. It felt like she was needling that and trying to pull you in. I don’t know. I’m losing it, this isn’t me.” 

         Loki turned into his room and I paused as he requested lunch to be brought up from a servant before he closed the door. 

         “Something about her just made me feel small. You know the feeling as well.” I shrugged, smoothing my dress down. Loki gestured for me to sit before he did across from me at the table. “The way she gazed at you and touched you and followed you around all day, truthfully many others did but… And, I know you’re allowed women friends, you have plenty on the court, but…I don’t know…the others you interacted with in there didn’t give me that feeling that she did and…” 

         “I’m only doing this to make my mother happy. I ignore the fawning. Granted there is...quite a bit. I didn’t want to worry you with it.”

         “You would do well here, you know.”

         “I prefer the food in Asgard.” His joke brightened me. 

         “This is so silly really… I trust you with her, you know that much, right? I really do but I just feel…so tiny in a way I haven’t felt in a long time and it’s all just foolish, I feel like an adolescent.” Ysolda was talking about him like she knew him so perfectly well and that grated on me for some reason. I spent years unfurling his petals. Asking to be taught. She was so kind and happy. Confident. Bubbly. I wished for an ounce of that as well.

         “The girl is harmless.”

         “I know…” I sat back. “Have I ruined our reunion already?”

         “No,” Loki smirked, shaking his head. “Your cheeks flush rather nicely when you’re jealous. It's usually me.”

         “They do not,” I crossed my arms. “Jealousy is far too strong a word and, for the record, so do yours. I’ve seen you nice and jealous and you’re far from her image of perfect Prince Loki. Old soul who never made a mistake.”

         “And that is one of many unending reasons as to why you are sitting here and not her or anyone else. The perfect prince routine is tiring. I’m trying harder to set an example.”

         “Fair enough.”

** ** **

         “Frigga, I’ve got this for you,” I smiled, waving her off from the potions that needed to be sorted. “You can take care of your peers outside.”

         “I’m grateful for you, I’ll just be a little while.” Frigga touched my shoulder and made her way back to the healing room through the propped open door.

         “Good day,” a voice caused me to look up.

         “Ysolda. Hello,” I nodded my head and smiled. Flashing teeth. “How are you?”

         “Fine, yourself?”

         “Alright.” We stared at each other a moment before I shifted, waving my hand to get a glass vial to float back into its box before I went to the next one.

         “Prince Loki’s instructions must do you so well.”

         “Yes, he’s…been teaching me for a long while it seems. Soon it's just natural muscle memory,” I choreographed the potions to fill vials. Dancing before me while they were sorted. Line by line.

         “It must have been difficult without him there for three months,” she moved to stand across the large desk from me.

         “I missed him a lot, yes. But, I could manage, they actually went by faster than I thought. Lots of training to keep me busy with the warriors.”

         “He’s a wonderful teacher.” She touched her chest. Nose wrinkling while she grinned. Cabinets shut behind me. Purple light flitting about my fingertips.

         “I agree,” I beamed at her as she changed the subject.

         “Are you excited for the final banquet at the end of the week?”

         “Yes,” I nodded, magic finished up and cleaned the counter before me. “Vanaheim is beautiful and you’ve all been gracious to us.”

         “Does your beloved prince dance?”

         “When it suits him,” I shrugged, pausing. “I actually haven’t gotten the chance yet to dance with him during a formal occasion. I’m glad he’s been so helpful here in a place that appreciates him and his talents.”

         “He’s just been so nice to me. I feel like I understand him. It does seem that perhaps he’s wasted among your warriors. Told me Asgard favors those horrible, huge weapons. Sidelines magic.” 

         “He said that,” I replied quieter. “Asgard certainly has favorites. I think he only adds to our world and its diversity. I wouldn’t say wasted, perceptions change. With time and experience.” My eyes lowered to finish my task. 

         "Yes. That’s what I mean.” Her lashes fluttered. “He’s just so different from the others. Deep and thoughtful. He could do very well here.”

         “That’s the wonderful thing about Loki, he can do well anywhere he goes,” I spoke evenly. I have not seen someone with their face so far in the clouds that they’ve been blinded by them. And I thought I was a dreamer. “Though, I do think that he is very much required in Asgard now. His brother missed him quite a bit.”

         She was just so...nice.

         “I hope you both enjoy the banquet,” Ysolda sighed, “and your first romantic dance.”

** ** **

         Why did it bother me so much? She was kind and she hadn’t exactly moved in on Loki. But, I feel like she almost had at the same time. Ugh. I should not be bothered by such things. 

         Men and women pine for Loki all the time. But, he is mine. And I am his. And that is it. 

         I halted my thoughts when a door opened and Fandral stumbled out, gesturing back to the people behind him. Already in some erotic cloud. Shirt opened halfway. Love marks on his neck.

         “I’ll just be a moment, my dears.” 

         A round of whines sounded and crossed my arms. He spotted me a few feet away and froze; a charming smile etched his face.

        “Having fun?”

         “Vanaheim’s hospitality is quite beautiful,” Fandral stretched his arms, “I find myself in need of appreciating each and every second of it. Not much sleep though.”

         “Amazing. Come here a moment, I need advice.”

         “Do you?” Fandral fixed his shirt as I approached.

         “There’s a girl.”

         “Sweet lady, there are several girls,” Fandral grinned and I rolled my eyes.

         “Focus, alright, this girl has been trailing Loki and I think she’s really infatuated with him but she’s also sweet and I feel…just awful, to be honest.” I winced at myself. Did I really? “And lost, it’s all very unnecessarily odd because jealousy does not suit me, I’m getting nowhere with it...and she just so...kind about it. I think that I want to be like her at times and...I think that I used to be like her. Romantic dreamer losing sight of everything else. She's lost in the prince.”

         “Is Loki going to run off with this girl?”

         “No…”

         “Well, I think you already have a lot less to be worried about,” he shrugged.

         “Fair. But, I just feel like she’s going to keep pushing herself at him. It’s sorta humiliating in public when I’m with him and she's openly wanting him.”

         “Loki is…well, we know how he is toward advances but we also know how he is when they become unwelcomed. I cannot believe that I am stating this but…you may have to…trust him with that.” Fandral watched me cross my arms before I exhaled, my shoulders dropping.

         “Trust the person I love. That sounds like the healthy option. You’re…probably right.” I nodded, accepting his answer. “I catch myself thinking that if I were like her. Like Princess Sigyn. The court would have accepted me more.”

         “Chin up, my lady.”

** ** **

         “It’s odd.”

         “Hm?” Loki got out of bed, not bothering to cover his nude body. Eyes admired the lines of him. I sat up, watching the curtains move gently with the wind while I held a blanket around myself.

         “When I see the sky, there’s this split second when I forget we’re not in Asgard.” Misty clouds moved over the starlit abyss as I waited for Loki to join me once more. “And I think about the other realms, the ones we’re civil to or the ones we’ve quarreled with. I wonder if they stare at a similar sky like this as well. Something so significant that connects us all.”

         “My little hopeful poet.”

         “When I was younger, I used to stare at the sky looking for answers to questions I couldn’t ask aloud…like the damn stars would come down and speak to me.” I smiled at Loki when he leaned in the doorway with his arms crossed, observing me after he’d slid on a pair of thin pants. “What?”

         “I have something for you. I was going to wait but I wish to give it to you now before we go to bed.”

         “Why the change in mind?”

         “Why not?” A shrug followed. "I just think you're pretty there and I want to see you smile." Loki's nonchalant way of depth and care warmed me.

         “You…have a gift for me?”

         “Do not look so shocked,” Loki shook his head, lips upturned. “Close your eyes.” Tilting my head, I sighed out before I did so. A moment later, I heard Loki next to me, “give me your hand.” Reaching out, I felt Loki find it and begin to lead me from the bed. I stood carefully with my other hand holding the sheet wrapped around my body. Shuffling with him, Loki brought me a few steps forward before he spoke again. “You may open them.”

         “Loki, I…oh!” I gasped, eyeing the most beautiful dress I’d ever seen draped over the sofa. Unable to move, I felt Loki nudge me forward, that damn proud expression crawling across his sharp face. “How did you…? When did you…?”

         “It is for the final banquet,” he explained. I reached out to feel the silk but paused, almost too afraid to touch something so fine. He’s gifted me gowns but none like this. Dark violet fabric pooled in layers with gold metal pieces and designs sat staring up at me. Ties and bell sleeves to the floor. Loki had to settle a hand over mine and press it down into the silken, radiant dress.

         “It’s beautiful, it’s…it’s too much. I-”

         “It is yours.”

         “I can’t.”

         “You can and you will,” he chuckled, shrugging and I furrowed my brow. 

         “Thank you. It’s really amazing. You should not have… Thank you.” I slid my arms around him, grateful and not knowing how to show it. “I wish I could say more.”

         “Say you shall wear it,” Loki requested, “that is all I need.” Glancing up at him, I slowly nodded and pressed my lips together when the corners lifted.

         “Thank you.” A kiss sealed us back together.

** ** **

         Still not letting it bother me.

         Nope. Not at all.

         “Oh!” Ysolda’s voice sounded behind me as I turned to see she’d apparently tripped. Ironically, right into Loki forcing him to kind of catch her. Big eyes lifted to see him, hands clutching at his sleeves.

         Loki steadied her and turned to finish what he was doing through her swirl of grateful tones. 

         Coincidence. Yes, of course. Nothing more.

** ** **

         Still not bothered. No way. I'm evolved.

         “Might I sit with you?” Ysolda asked on another occasion, causing me to look up from my book. Curled upon on a bench in the gardens, I found some shade and hid away.

         “Alright…” I agreed after a moment and she sat across from me. Tucking hair behind her ear to observe.

         “I hope I’ve not interrupted your story,” Ysolda smiled and I shook my head, offering her one in return.

         “No, it's just little spells I'm trying to perfect while Loki’s busy,” I set the tome in my lap, "Thor drove me all over today so I figured rest was due."

         "Work is never done for witches?"

         "No, it really isn't. But, you'd know, working the healing room like you do.” I engaged her. “Do you wish to be head healer one day?"

         "Yes, actually. It's always been a dream of mine." Ysolda set her hands on her knees, shrugging with a calm expression. A hopeful one. "How did you know?"

         "You seem to enjoy it, you're climbing the ranks. Ah, just a guess. Nice to have something you’re passionate about." I replied, pausing. "I merely help part-time when they need extra hands some days. Others, I sit in back and make tonics. Sort supplies. Busy work. Healing was a good way to cross into sorcery though."

         "Which spells are you working on?"

         "Too many. Though, I found one. Odd little spell." I opened to a page and tilted my head. "Soundproofing rooms. Not sure what I'd do with it, but it seemed easy."

         "Could use a good scream," she replied with a peculiar expression.

         "Hm?"

         "Things get tough. World heats up. Might be nice to have a place to scream it out." Ysolda elaborated. A beat. Two women who saw something itch in the other.

         "Yes." I met her eyes. Ysolda's skin was a similar color to mine, mixed between fair and darkened tones from her parents just like I was. Granted, I didn't resemble my mousier mother and my father's features weren't exactly like mine. No curls in his hair. Not the same brown to his eyes. It made me wonder for a moment. But, that moment passed with the clouds over the sky above us. Freckles caught when the sun touched Ysolda's face and she smiled at me. "I imagine that's a worthy use of such a spell."

         "When I was young, my friends and I would go to the cliff and watch the massive barges pass on their way for deliveries or whatnot. The engines would stutter and charge before they took off and went silent. The old ones were so loud and the wind would pick up. We'd spread our arms and let the air carry through the grass while we screamed and screamed. Never able to rise above the passing ships. I miss it." She inhaled and I warmed up.

         "During storms in Asgard, the warriors love to go onto the training grounds and spar. Which really means they go out and stage massive mud fights. There was this hill, I used to watch some of the biggest warriors laugh like children and slide down it." I snickered to myself and she followed.

         "I've only seen Asgard in paintings. I'd like to visit. Queen Frigga and Prince Loki both are a wealth of knowledge. I can't help always wanting to indulge."

         I felt guilty again. Maybe I was reading too much and being unfair.

         "The Vanir royals are so wonderful," I agreed, "and you don't have an Elder council either. Just trusted advisers. Chosen by the people to represent them. I shouldn't say this but I'm jealous."

         "We did away with such a court structure eons ago. Granted, most died off."

         "Yes, Asgard is...working on that. Slowly." I blinked. "Not them dying off, I mean." Ysolda covered her lips and giggled so I did in return. "I'd love court life if it wasn't for them."

         "Must be difficult. Going steady with the prince too. They must be hard on you."

         "If I were rich and fair...it would be a lot better," I admitted, pausing when her smile faded.

         "You are a warrior, they work for you. Not the other way around." Ysolda straightened up, cocked her head with a grin. "You are what stands between them and the enemy. Their children will make it home only because of that fact." I hitched a scoff and felt brighter.

         "That's...very true." My eyes lowered to the green grass. "Thanks. With the rate you're going, I think head healer isn't far off. You should see Asgard, study Frigga's garden for ingredients they don't grow here."

         "I'd like that very much. Your Queen is so regal and smart. So kind. Ours is missed, she passed too early," she offered so I reached to pat her hand. Let her take mine until we blinked and slipped back. "I actually have to gather some things today for potions. With all the study, we've ran low."

         "Would you like assistance? Maybe teach me a few new things while we're at it?" I asked and Ysolda perked again, nodding before she stood up and reached for my wrist. Stealing it to tug

         "There is a plant with leaves that smell like sweet caramel, you have to witness it." She joked until I was following her off into the gardens.

         "Sounds charming."

** *** **

         “I’m not letting you see the dress on me yet.”

         “I’ve earned it,” Loki complained but I shook my head, staring at the mirror so he moved up behind me.

         “You’ll see it at the banquet,” I lifted a small brush to my eye and began applying some makeup. 

         “New colors,” he observed.

         “Yes, I've been experimenting. Moira gave me this gold for my eyes. One line on each really adds to them,” I glanced at him in the mirror as he set a hand on me, moving the robe off my shoulder. "No dress."

         “Come now,” Loki kissed my bare skin, “I could help undress you,” he moved his lips up my neck, “and dress you for tonight.” A sigh pulled, I reached back to touch his hair as he brushed mine out of the way to kiss my jaw. Eyes on the couple in the mirror, bound together. “Then undress you again after the festivities.”

         “Hm.” I considered it. Loki lingered and kissed my neck again before I playfully wriggled away. “No.” I fixed my robe on my shoulder and Loki stood straighter. “You have to wait until the party, now let me do this here while you finish getting dressed.” Idly, he swept some of my hair over my shoulder when he passed behind me.

         “Are you ready to go back to Asgard tomorrow?” Loki spoke.

         “Yes, I miss the usual routine now to be honest.”

         “Are you also ready to get away from my adoring followers?”

         “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I winked at his lingering reflection. Eyes turned down at the brush in front of me before I picked it up, changing the subject. “One of my favorite memories was watching my mother put on makeup when she did so on rare occasions. I used to watch Frigga as well whenever we played together as children with Thor and Sif. Always so elegant.”

         “Once, as a young child, I discovered her bright colors. Thor and I painted our faces and paraded around as if we were charging into battle. Glittering warpaint.”

         “I like this.”

         “Hm?”

         “I don’t know, you and me, getting ready to go somewhere. Being able to relax, if just a bit. No Elders touching my hips or my hair. No comments. A welcomed change.”

         “And you still will not allow me to see the gown on you until then?”

         “Nope,” I grinned, turning to face him, “you look handsome.” Loki fixed his sleeve before he approached, taking my chin to angle my face.

         “I will see you down there soon.”

         “Yes, of course.” He leaned over to kiss me, thumb brushing over my jaw before he moved to go.

         “Loki…”

         “Yes?” He paused and I glanced down, shifting. The question pulsed. Died.

         Would you tell me if you were truly so unhappy in Asgard? Are you staying there only because of me?

         “Save me a dance.” Eyes swept his tender expression. So in love, I could hardly bear it.

         “I am afraid that there is one woman, other than you, that I would lend my hand to in a heartbeat,” Loki confessed before he answered. “My mother, the Queen.”

         “I can easily accept that.”

         “Very well,” he nodded, amused. “Do not be long.”

         “I won’t.” I waited until he left the room before standing to grab the dress.

         I’m going to have fun tonight.

** ** **

         Poking my head in the doors, the huge banquet filled the room with music. Nerves sparking, I made my way down the first set of steps. Clutched the banister when I sought out Loki in the crowd. Vocals harmonized and I felt myself vibrate, eyes on the couples dancing. Silks flitted in calculated motions. Like vibrant fish swirling in the sea.

         Smoothing down the fabric of my dress, I spotted him while he spoke to Thor with his back to me. Breathe. Thor grinned at me and pointed before Loki turned, the expression fading when his eyes caught sight of mine. Thrilled, I watched Loki shuffle forward mechanically, ignoring those he passed as his eyes trailed up toward my face. Scanning to drink all of me in. On the stairs, I paused when he stood at the foot of them and looked up at my eyes. Awed. Devastatingly in love with me. 

         Shrugging, I clasped my hands behind my back.

         “How do I look?” Warmth speckled my cheeks when Loki blinked, his daze snapping.

         “That night you mentioned looking at the stars for answers,” he tilted his head, “I fear they likely do not come down out of jealousy.” The syllables struck my soul, rippling up and down it. Unbinding all my nerves and fears of this night.

         “Is that actual sincerity?” I joked lighter. A chorus of strings swelled. My heart with them.

         “I believe so.” Loki folded one arm behind his back and offered his free hand to me. Head tilted to bow. I curtsied in return.

         “It suits you,” I took his hand and allowed him to lead me off.  “I get vibrant sincerity and a dance.” Loki touched my waist as we reached the dance floor before he began to lead. One hand settled on his shoulder, the other on his opposite bicep. “You’re in a giving mood.”

         “I like to remain unpredictable.” Lip twitching, he pulled me into the sea of silks. I shuffled to follow, glancing down at my feet. Across the way, Frigga smiled at us and Thor pulled her for a spin.

         “Do you?” We turned and I relaxed a little. Swaying at the heart of the dancing. Not following anyone else. Contented in our own perfect world. “No wonder I’m always kept on my toes.”

         “I quite enjoy you there,” Loki pressed his hand into my back, forcing me to come up. My amusement caught when we locked eyes for a moment, the light in the room playing off his face. Almost eerily bright green eyes stared down at me before I smiled.

         “Loki?”

         “Hm?”

         “Can I keep you?” My voice dropped, the corners of his mouth upturned. Happiness bloomed and overflowed. Relaxed in a daze, I watched Loki open his mouth to respond before a voice broke our moment.

         “Forgive me,” Ysolda, wearing a light blue gown, appeared and we both paused. Barely coming out from each other. Why? The voice in the back of my mind prodded. “Prince Loki, there is a problem in the healing room.”

         “I am certain that it can wait,” Loki and I did break apart so I clasped my hands together. Eyes on the couples spinning around us. Almost made me dizzy like we were dancing in a painted dream. 

         “You must come see, one of the potion boxes we worked on…I don’t know what happened.”

         “Go,” I turned to Loki before he could speak. He raised an eyebrow but I nodded, touching his shoulder. “I’ll be here.” Reluctantly, Loki moved toward Ysolda before she touched his arm and beckoned for him to follow. When I watched them leave, I shifted my stance as Loki glanced back and they rushed out.

         Not bothered. I started moving toward the balcony but paused, looking back to where they disappeared to before I hesitated. Alright. Maybe I was bothered a little. She had something up her sleeve. Slipping out of the room unnoticed was easy enough, into the shadows where I was most comfortable.

** ** **

         “The box must not have been stored right on the stack or maybe a potion reacted poorly,” Ysolda had explained, "it could have destroyed the others."

         Loki bent down over a box that had crashed to the floor, the many dozens of phials within it all shattered and liquid spilt everywhere. He exhaled sharper and stood straight, waving his hand to clean the mess.

         Neither saw me perched beyond the second set of double doors. Fists bunched my skirts up.

         “None of the contents were unsafe from what I see in this one, the apprentice healers can take care of replacing those potions tomorrow.”

         “I thank you for leaving the party to come check on it. We worked so hard on these and I worried,” Ysolda touched his arm and he shifted aside in an awkward manner that was very unlike him. Eyes sliding away. “It was kind of you.”

         “I am just doing what is expected of me,” Loki set the wooden crate onto a desk. Breath inhaled, I stood still, watching Ysolda gaze at him. Moonlight came in the windows.

         “Prince Loki,” she said slower, “I have been silent for a long while and now I think it’s time we shared our true feelings.”

         My entire body gave a tremor.

         “Yes, I feel that I would very much like to go back to the woman I love because I owe her a full dance,” Loki turned but she stood in front of him.

         “Please, hear me out. I have watched you, I have gotten to know you. Dark and mysterious. Intelligent…” She paused. “Lonely… Sad. I see you. I think this place is a better place for you.”

         “And I have seen you. Staring at me like the others. Finding trivial reasons to approach me,” he watched her mouth part in surprise. “I am not blind. I’ve known. You can only pretend to fall in front of me for so long before I put the pieces together. Either way, you will leave disappointed. I am not interested and I'm not taking kindly to being told where I belong.”

         “But, I’ve heard whispers of your current relationship. They say it is volatile. They say you are upset often and she, likewise, is somber. Not ready to be princess. They all misunderstand you. I…I could make you happy. You’re happy around me, you smile and laugh and I know we’ve an understanding. You must know of my feelings and allow yours. I’ve seen you look at me. I could treat you like a prince.”

         “Everyone treats me like a prince.” Loki leaned in and my breath caught. “Get out of my way. We’re finished here. Save yourself the embarrassment.”

         “But, I love you, Prince Loki.” Ysolda professed, clutching her heart because it must have ached.

         “My most insincere apologies, but you have not a damned clue of what that means.” And there it was. Loki’s words proved true in every way. I looked at this woman I was once jealous of and felt more empathy. My curse. Empathy. It was just an infatuation. Mild. Harmless. 

         My insecurity would get me nowhere today. Often, we cannot escape the fantasy. I was still there some days. Right now, I trusted Loki. He was a grown man. She was a good person. A soul on its own journey same as I. And Loki could handle this on his own. So, I turned and left them, silent steps to go back to the party.

** ** **

         “I’ve tried so hard. I…I broke these potions to bring us together! To get you to open up. You…You still can.” Ysolda offered a beat later before the prince could stalk out.

         “You can explain that to the head healers in the morning then,” Loki replied colder and her eyes began to well. “Do not approach me again. With any of this. I've tired of having my relationship disrespected.”

         “I only wish to win your love,” Ysolda tried.

         “Oh? Am I simply a prize now because you believe me to be different from all else?” Loki seethed. “Wish to change me? You are mistaken.”

         “No, I’m sorry…” She whimpered, wiping her tears. “I’ve made a mistake.”

         “The first bit of logic I have heard,” Loki turned to leave.

         “Wait, no, I’ve made a mistake. Prince Loki,” she went after him. “I…I’ve done something terrible. Your beloved…I… She was so kind to me even though, I was stupid.”

         “What did you do?” Loki spun, anger lighting up his features and she stepped back. Terrified of what she saw there. “What did you do?” Hands grasped at her shoulders.

         “I…I told a warrior that she…she really fancied him but was too shy to say anything…to distract her while you were with me… I’m sorry…” Ysolda wiped more tears. Loki growled, pushing her away with near disgust. “It was so wrong of me. I am sorry.”

         “This is not some damn game!” The prince was already rushing out and away from her to get back. Ysolda knew she’d never gain his favor again.

** ** **

         “Let me get you a drink, little flower.” Some burly drunk had cornered me near the food tables. “No need to be bashful.”

         “No, thank you,” I plucked his palm off my shoulder and moved to go out to the balcony for some fresh air. That drunken hand snatched my elbow. In the middle of the party, I didn’t want to cause a scene, but my voice dropped to a hiss. “Let go of me.” I yanked away and continued but this time he got in front of me and took my waist, his breath smelling badly of ale.

         “Come now, my sweet, I know what you require-ah!” 

         Nails swiped across skin, scratching his cheek and getting the attention of everyone at the party. To hell with not causing a scene.

         “Do not touch me again if you want to keep those hands,” I threatened lower. Frigga appeared with Thor at her side in one instant.

         “That is enough here,” Frigga snapped, stepping in front of me.

         “This little bitch,” the drunken warrior stumbled and pointed at me; some of Vanaheim’s court immediately came down to apologize. Their king with them to diffuse this. I saw Thor take a step toward him but Frigga put her arm out, touching his chest. Behind me, Loki called my name in a rush, pushing through the crowds.

         “Are you alright?”

         “Yes,” I grasped his arm, tuning out the heated conversation behind me as the Vanir guards tried to control the angry man; Frigga half-lecturing him on proper etiquette while she tried to assure the royals and court that it was not their fault. There was a scuffle and air left the room at his bellow.

         “Your second prince should learn to control his whore!” The man jerked in my direction. Gasps cut over the music that screeched to stop. 

         Not even a beat before a fist went out. One sick crack against teeth. The man flew back into a dessert table, sending food everywhere. He hit the ground and went slack. Loki stood before me. Face contorted. Puffed up and furious.

         No magic, just pure physical strength and rage. The sudden act caused my reaction to fall away instantly. A clatter of fallen plates seemed to snap us out of it. Eyes darted until Loki’s expression dropped in shock, seeming to register what he'd done in front of everyone. 

         “Loki,” my gasp tapered off. I got behind him and took his elbow when he tried to explain himself.

         “I do not know what-”

         “Take that pig away from here,” Princess Sigyn ordered some guards over and the drunk warrior was hauled off. “Are you harmed?”

         “No...no, thank you, princess.” My heart sped when a hand drew to my chest. Words tumbling by force. Across the way, Ysolda watched with a tearful expression and I pulled Loki’s arm down.

         “All of you, back to what you were doing, there is nothing to see here!” Their King, Njord, swept one arm out. Slowly, people went back to the festivities and the music reluctantly began again. “Queen Frigga, I assure you that we have not a clue of where that came from. That is not how our people conduct themselves and it won't be tolerated. You have my deepest regrets to your warrior. My lady, please accept my sincere apology.” 

         Frigga looked to me for answers but I shrugged. Briefly wondered how Odin would have handled it.

         “I don’t know, he just came up and started harassing me. He'd been drinking.” My head bowed at the king. “I’m alright, really. Thank you, your majesty.” Fingers were still clutched at Loki’s arm, unable to let go. Music only made me dizzy.

         “I…I know. Forgive me,” Ysolda hurried up. “It is my fault. All of this is my fault. I’m sorry. I could have put you in serious harm over this...silly thing. It was ugly. It was wrong.” Approaching me, she bowed low and began to sputter the truth to our circle.

         “For the next week you will write formal apologies to our Asgardian companions and you will work under the healers late to replace the damage you’ve done,” the King asserted firmly. “It is best that you leave for tonight.”

         “Forgive me, your majesty,” Ysolda stood. “Queen Frigga, I am sorry for what I’ve done.” Loki glared to snap at her.

         “You are in no place to-”

         “Loki, go easy on her,” I cut over him gently and he paused, glancing back so I nodded.

         “Thank you, I do not deserve that.” Ysolda clasped her hands together, looking at me. “I am sorry. Truly sorry. I don’t deserve your kindness.”

         “Yes, you do. Learn something from this. I did.” Eyes shifted between her and Loki. She nodded her head and turned to leave, a guard escorting her out. Frigga touched Loki’s shoulder and offered him a smile before she kissed his temple.

         “If you both should like to go back to Asgard early, feel free to go. I can take care of your things here.” The Queen touched my face briefly before she moved toward the King and began speaking with him. Thor took my hand to inspect my nails, bringing a cloth to clean the little swipes of blood away.

         “Alright?” He observed my face still in a state of awe. Yes barely made it to my lips so he let go.

         "You throw your shoulder too much when you punch," Sigyn remarked, in the softest, pale pink dress I'd ever seen with a crystal flower crown atop her head. "Roll your hips a bit. It'll help. Wasn't a bad punch though, Prince Loki. So careful how you wear your heart."

         "...Thank you, Princess Sigyn, for the lovely commentary as always," Loki went flat and I touched my lips, stifling amusement. 

         "You're welcome back anytime. I like this one, Loki, do well to keep her company around." She regarded me, touching my shoulder as she went and I bowed to her respectfully.

         "Princess."

         “I plan to keep her, but I would like that actually. Leaving early.” Loki spoke after a beat and I nodded to him.

         “I’m impressed, brother, that was unlike you.” Thor grinned. I glanced down at Loki’s hand, knuckles blooming red roses. “There may be a barbaric warrior in you yet.”

         “If you are insinuating that I am like you, you are mistaken,” Loki’s lip twitched upward.

         “Defending our best lady, Loki,” Fandral appeared, teasing. “I am impressed as well.”

         “To hell with both of you,” Loki flashed his teeth and both of them laughed instead.

         “You deserve a drink when you get back to Asgard,” Fandral clapped him on the shoulder as he looked to me. “Alright?”

         “As flawless as your face.” Head tilting, I shook myself out of the daze.

         “You look divine, don’t waste that dress on a rotten night,” Fandral kissed my knuckles and moved off.

         “I won’t,” I took Loki’s reddened hand. “I should steal your newly barbaric brother away and clean him up, Thor.”

         “Certainly, try not to hit anyone else without me, Loki.”

         “I cannot promise you that,” Loki replied smoother which earned a chuckle.

         “I shall see you when I get back to Asgard tomorrow.”

** ** **

         “Come. They will send all our things tomorrow,” Loki waved his hand as everything packed itself while I did the same. Books left by the princess wrapped up for safekeeping.

         “Let me see your hand,” I insisted and he exhaled to fuss. “Come on,” I pulled him into the bathroom. Taking a cold, damp cloth, I rubbed some soothing ointment into his hand and washed it. “That…was rather sweet of you in there. Bit shocking. My fierce warrior.”

         “I do not know what came over me…however, I liked it,” Loki spoke evenly and my lips upturned. We stared at each other, his hand safe in both of mine. “So, how much of the conversation in the healing room did you hear? I know your perfume and magic too well, sweetheart.”

         “Enough to know that I did not need to be in there for you. I'm truly so sorry about being jealous, however much. I’m sure it hurt you and you did nothing wrong here. It was my feelings and I was being unfair to you."

         "Jealousy happens, you were due for one fit of it."

         "I do trust you. More than anyone. I know you'd never cheat our relationship like that. I do. Watching her push at you bothered me. She insisted I misunderstood you…well, I think we all know who has this time and for the record, our relationship is not what she said it was. But, I’m not upset with her. Not now. She had a romantic dream. They happen. Sometimes, they crush us instead.”

         “Our relationship is no one else’s concern.”

         “I must agree,” I brought Loki’s hand up to kiss his knuckles. “Finished.”

         “Let me prepare and then we can go back to Asgard soon.”

         “Alright.” I stepped aside and he hesitated, moving forward to brush our lips lightly, catching me off-guard.

         “You are beautiful,” Loki whispered, turning to go without looking back. Eyes lifting, I didn’t gaze at the stars beyond us. I only saw him there. And he was beautiful too.

** ** **

         “Heimdall!” I bounded forth to the gatekeeper upon landing. My hand slipped from Loki’s. Above Asgard, the night sky hushed.

         “Welcome home.” The gatekeeper paused to flicker his golden eyes. “Eventful visit in Vanaheim.”

         “More or less, I’m sure you enjoyed a nice show if you caught a glimpse.”

         “Gatekeeper,” Loki acknowledged vaguely, mind elsewhere.

         “Prince Loki,” Heimdall offered as I waved and rounded the dome to go to the horses already waiting. “Such odd things we do for those we cherish.” 

         Loki gave a huff while he tilted his chin up and moved past the golden-clad protector. Suppressing the urge to laugh, I fixed my skirts and mounted a restless horse. Loki followed before gesturing so we took off to the stables. I looked at the rainbow bridge when the colors danced and exhaled, happy to be back.

         Loki was silent the entire trip back, even when we slowed toward our destination and dismounted.

         “I should just go in,” he insisted after we gave our horses away. Eyes on the gold glint of his palace in wait.

         “Nope,” I pulled at his arm, “I can't waste this dress and I’m not letting you go to bed upset.” Loki said my name, exhaling but I persisted, moonlight creating perfect spotlights upon the dark grass for us to dance in. 

         “We can have our own dance here and enjoy the night,” I offered, pulling him back with me while we walked along the stone road. Frigga’s ethereal garden sparkling before us. 

         “I really do not think-”

         “I’ll go inside with you on one condition.” I watched him frown as I stepped out of my shoes and held them in one hand. “You have to catch me first without using your magic.” Abruptly, I took off, ignoring Loki when he called after me. Padding across the cool grass in a hurry.

         “Damn you,” Loki huffed and I heard him begin to pursue me. Laughing, I ran faster, partially holding my dress up as it flew behind me. Into the great hedge maze.

         Through the gardens, I wove myself a path. Vines twisting about me. Opening and closing doors like the batting of lashes. Like heartbeats. Endless dreams made of spun silk. Twisting webs that glimmered under the full moon. Vines sprang up behind me and Loki called out.

         “No magic? You are cheating!”

         “I never said anything about me using it,” I grinned, splitting another path for myself. Racing through twists and turns, I heard Loki beckon my name. “Over here!” I offered back simply. Barefoot, I slowed and turned another corner before skidding, realizing I’d reached the middle. 

         “Whoa…” Flowers sprouted everywhere. Too many colors. Marble benches and a massive, decorative fountain stood before me. Sculptures of couples in twisting embraces appeared to almost dance about the grounds. Awed, I dropped my shoes, admiring the bright fireflies spinning their paths in harmony. Lanterns lit up the area along with floating orbs in the fountain’s water. Felt like I'd entered a new world of starlight.

         Hands slid around me from behind. Lips touched to my ear, earning shivers.

         “Found you,” Loki hummed, pulling me close into his heat. Spinning me to chide. Playful. “I’ve tired of this game.”

         “Admit it, you had fun.” Persuasive, I curled my arms around his neck. Pressed myself closer. Metal clicked on our chest pieces. “I got you to smile.”

         “Your actions are slowly warranting a punishment,” he warned instead as I snickered and pulled away to look around. Spinning about for good measure.

         “How have I not been in here before? The maze used to intimidate me so,” I trailed my fingers along the fountain as I rounded it. Posing with the sirens in marble. Swaying as I trailed along. “It’s amazing. Like I dreamt it.” Loki gazed at me before he peered down at his feet. “Are you still thinking about earlier?”

         “No.”

         “It’s over, you’re here with me now. We’re home,” I approached and almost let my question die. “Would you like this to be our home?”

         “What do you mean?”

         “I mean, what if there’s something out there beyond Asgard in our future?” I considered it. “I love Asgard. I always will. But, what if there's...”

         “More?” He produced in that low baritone.

         “More. So much more...” I confirmed it, climbing up on the fountain’s edge to balance under still cosmos. Eyes lifted with so many questions to those stars. Blinking too kindly back at me. Glowing before the man I loved with all my heart. “When we are married, will we see the realms together?”

         Coy after such bluntness, I curled around a twisting statue to see him. Eyes intent when I peeked out to spy Loki’s lips lift at the thought.

         “We’ll be bound to that palace,” Loki licked his lips and came to me, “traveling for diplomacy. Being whatever Asgard needs as Prince and Princess. Does that frighten you?”

         Sighing, I came to the other side. Contemplating. Stars in my eyes. Loki lifted his hand to mine on the marble. Curled our fingers.

         “When we are married, will you dance with me all night?” I decided instead, craning down so he could kiss me soft and sweet. Another hitched like a secret. A promise.

         “When we are married, I will dance with you until the sun rises for us.”

         Heart thumping, I hummed to slip away. Tracing steps along the edge again. Misted by cool waters. Magic flitted to knock me aside. Into Loki’s arms. 

         “I care not where we go, as long as we’re together,” Loki finished for me, allowing me to my feet. Head bowing, I agreed.

         “Good start, I think.” Arms wound around him again. Loki frowned aside when the moment tumbled away. “Do you want to talk about earlier? Was it something that was said?”

         “Often I fear my following. Here. Vanaheim. They covet this idealized version of me. The mysterious sorcerer. Using me to create these preconceived notions that only benefit them. I am not this dashing, masculine, dark prince they believe me to be. I’m forever the fluid and in between flickering extremes but often I feel that I cannot openly show it here. If the people here...if they knew what I could do. What I’m capable of, they…” Loki’s breath caught, eyes glinting before me. “The Elders already dislike and seek to control me. Us. These people just…”

         “They refuse to see the real you?”

         “You know that feeling well.” Loki gazed at me, knuckles caressed my cheek until I felt for his wrist. The pulse under my fingertips sped. Cried out. 

         “They're missing out if they refuse any part of you. I’d love to know your fluidity better and those marvelous extremes… The pieces of magic others quiver before. It all belongs. But, what’s more important is that you're unashamed and comfortable...”

         My lips grazed his knuckles. Inhaling that smoked scent of magic fizzling under his skin.

         “Give yourself to those you feel deserve you and never feel regret because you’re an amazing person. Flicker or scorching.” I held his hand between mine, tugging Loki to an open spot. “Dance with me. We didn’t get much of a chance at the banquet.”

         “I ruined our first dance, did I not?”

         “Not ruined, we just put on hold until this wonderful moment.” I positioned Loki’s hands on me and took his shoulders so we could sway. Got him to relax with me. Under the twinkling stars that admired us together. Playful, he stole my hand and turned to dip me back. A giggle elicited when I came up but Loki grew serious again.

         “I see them hanging onto my every word, nodding without fail no matter what I say. I know I'm not supposed to like it but the alternative is… Meanwhile, the court doesn't even pretend to hear me. Ah, and then I look at you,” Loki’s glittering eyes searched mine. “In truth, you are the first person I have ever looked upon with worry that my words could fail me.” 

         Raw honesty undid me. 

         “...I worry that if my damn words fail me, then I shall fall too.” He paused, dipping me again as I kept my eyes trained on him when I came back up. Slowly, I took his face in my hands, standing on my toes to get near his ear.

         “I do love you,” I leaned back to smile at him, catching his eyes glazing over for just a moment. We both sighed deeper against the night air. Into dreams we would make stunning realities. “Very much.” 

         Loki opened his mouth to speak and closed it, instead pulling me closer to dance again. He set his chin on my head when I leaned into him. Relaxing against his chest, I felt Loki inhale the scent of my hair and beamed, contented. Lips offered an intimate kiss upon my wrist. I watched the lights dance off the water in the fountain, painting my face in beckoning illuminations. Giggling light, I broke when Loki glanced down.

         “What is it?”

         “I’ll never forget all those shocked expressions when that man’s feet went right all the way up over his head,” I got Loki to laugh, hushing.

         “I believe I broke many of his teeth, I think he got off easy.”

         “Look at this new side of you coming out,” I mused when he shook his head.

         “Are you really just now noticing it?”

         “Not really, I was just reminded very abruptly of it,” I shrugged. Loki reached up to sweep some hair from my shoulder. “Not like the fights you and Thor would get into with bullies when we were little preteens and wandering too far from the province. I remember you threw a boy clear over Thor’s head after he called me a-”

         “You don’t have to repeat the slur,” Loki eased, remembering. “Thor dove on him after, kicked him right in the ass all the way home.”

         “Children can be cruel,” I tried to chuckle but the sound faltered.

         “So can fully grown adults,” Loki took my hand and pulled me off with him. “Come. Cheat our way out of here so we can go back.” I beckoned my shoes over and balanced with Loki’s help to slip them back on. Grasping a fistful of skirts, I looked up at his profile and paused.

         “Loki,” I began and he glanced back at me when I got up on my toes to kiss his jaw, leaning out before I spoke. “You should know that if and when your words fall before you…I’ll understand… I will,” I tilted my head when his hand brushed some hair from my cheek, fingertips grazing down my jaw. “I promise you that I’ll understand.” 

         Loki took me in his arms. Kissed me as long as he could. Long enough for stars and rose petals to tumble. Long enough for the world to spin and hush. Long enough for me to see down the line. A place where we would be unashamed and happy.

         “That familiar question you asked me earlier on Vanaheim,” he murmured against my ear. “Silly girl, I'm yours,” Loki exhaled and my heart lifted, “I have always been yours.”

         We bounded off together. Toward the palace illuminated still like a beacon. Guards stopped Loki in the archway while our fingers were laced.

         “My prince, your father wanted a quick word before you retired for the night.” Firelight swept along the walls. Shining on the man’s helmet when he bowed.

         “Certainly, ah,” Loki turned to crane near my ear, “your room tonight? I’ll bring wine.”

         “For the wine, I suppose.” I pecked Loki’s cheek in front of the guard. “Goodnight, Arne. That’s a lovely chest piece, is it new?”

         “Yes. New rank, my lady. First one to notice.”

         “Congratulations,” I bounded between the two men, bidding goodnight so I could hurry beyond toward the dorms. Up into my tower where I pressed to the door after shutting it. Overcome. Everything I loved felt so close. So tangible. I hurried to push my balcony open. Got swept up in the wind. Thought for a moment I could ride it. Up and away to clouds. Become stardust and rain upon waiting cheeks. Blooming smiles.

         I found my hand lifting, extending out toward the cosmos in wait for me. Briefly, I wondered if something would reach back. One day down the line. A knock had me faltering.

         “Loki, you don’t have to…” I trailed off at a guard there. High in the ranks. Often got a drink with Thor after training. “Tyr.”

         “Milady,” he had his helmet clutched under one arm in a respectful gesture before he bowed and lifted a scroll out toward my heart. I saw the seal’s color and wished it were a blade instead. Black. I’d never gotten a black, wax-sealed scroll before. But I’d seen them offered many times around my village. Many times around the dorms. They always steal the air from the room. Black for the death of a warrior or former warrior. “You have my deepest apologies.”

         “Oh,” lungs sputtering, I lifted a shaken hand to take it before my pleasantries rushed out, “I can’t imagine having to bring...this news to another so late. You came all the way up here personally. Thank you, sir, for everything you...you…"

         My voice dropped.

         "It’s him, isn’t it?”

         “I didn’t read it,” he replied. Gentle. My hand crushed the paper to my chest. I felt the chain under my dress burn. Loki’s key hanging from it. “Yes. It is. There was...something in the market. Some kind of scuffle. Those guards will recall the event to court tomorrow. My men and women will answer any questions you have on the matter, you have my word. They've been instructed to only speak to you or Odin about it.”

         “It was bad, was it not?”

         “I only got the short description,” Tyr frowned, lines etching deep into his aged face “Yes, it was. It, ah, it wasn’t an accident. I'm sure the letter will say otherwise for your sake. He had to be put down by the guards from the look. I shouldn’t be telling you this. But, prepare for the court tomorrow.”

         “Does the king know of this yet?” I watched him shake his head. 

         “It’s not protocol. I brought this straight to you from my men in the fields. Another will bring the word to his majesty. He’ll send you a condolence letter with further instructions. Another will be sent to your mother.” 

         While I was dreaming. Dancing in the gardens… 

         “Thank you, Tyr. I will prepare a court summons tomorrow.”

         “Sleep as well as you can,” Tyr pressed his lips and put his helmet back on before turning in one fluid motion. Cape flicking as he marched off.

         My door shut. I tried to breathe. Broke the horrible seal of death and read the formal words. Stumbled aimless toward my bed to slouch against it. I scanned the words several times but didn’t absorb them. Not until Loki’s voice beckoned me as he pushed my door open.

         “Can you believe,” he chuckled there with a bottle of wine, “that I’m not in any trouble for tonight’s events? Punching a warrior in front of all of Vanaheim’s nobility and father congratulates me on the work I-”

         Loki stopped abrupt upon seeing my face. Haunted. Staring at nothing with the letter clutched to my chest. My door smacked shut and the wine was set aside. He said my name once. Twice.

         “That seal,” Loki stood before me. Strange, I wanted only to ask him to step aside because I couldn’t see the moons anymore with him in the way. Fingers slipped the parchment from tight hands.

         “My father is dead.” The words sounded so funny. As if I’d said them over and over again. Syllables mashing. But, I only said it the one time. “Sounds like he was drunk. Got into a bad fight. Then a worse one. The guards put him down on the street like a dog. They called it an accident in the letter. Said he ran at the blade. But, I know better.” 

         My monotone shuddered and Loki’s eyes lifted back to mine. He set the letter on my side table, hands lifting to hover. Unsure of how to react. How to touch me. I just floated there. Thought of dripping hot wax seeping down my skin. Glistening like black tears. 

         “Accident or not. The guards, they don’t often…” Swallowing a dry lump, my head shook. “I’m okay, you know. I’m fine.” Dark eyes lifted to see Loki’s sober face. “Really, I think I’m fine. He wasn’t… He was a horrible man. He abused me and my mother. He tore my childhood apart. I'm really fine. It's okay. He never loved me.”

         Tears prickled.

         “And he’s gone,” I choked out. Shattering. Childish hands reached out before Loki mashed me into his chest. “He’s gone.” I sobbed into Loki’s front, unable to connect any more letters together. Unable to produce a coherent sound that wasn’t scratching.

         Fingers seized up fabric on his back. Loki let me cling. Cupped the back of my head and held me up with his other arm. I wanted to ask it. Why my father never loved me. Why he was torn to the grave before I could get any real answers. Any closure. Any justice. 

         Why a person who shaped you for better or worse would just slip away like you’re nothing. Nothing.

         And I didn’t say any of that. I only wept. Held Loki because I didn’t feel real anymore. None of this felt real. My cycle of always being knocked down. Like the Norns themselves were laughing and ripping cruel air from my lungs. 

         Aching to my core, I sobbed until I was colorless. Until I was rocking. Until my fists lifted and I began hitting myself. Until Loki put me into bed. Nurtured me with his lips and lingering words because I was completely nonverbal. Arms squeezed to lock me secure into my chest. Crushed me in affection to remind me that I was still here.

         “That’s my sweet girl, I’m here. You’re here. You’re alright. I have you. You’re doing so well.” Praise whispered into my hair followed by kisses. I counted them in my head. Not remembering how long I’d been melting down for. How long Loki had me restrained to his chest. In his lap. I counted kisses. Listened to his voice hum. Felt his chest rumble, the heart within it pounding. “So well. There you go.”

         Pressure built. Burst. I went limp in Loki’s arms. Felt out for the fur blanket so touch could ground me, I mashed it to my lips. Rubbed my cheeks along the fluff. Burrowed in Loki’s arms. A spot on my skull thudded from where I’d yanked at tender roots of hair. Eyes lifted to Loki and I still couldn’t speak.

         “It’s alright,” he eased, picking up on the fact that my lips refused to form syllables, “you don’t have to speak yet. We’ll go slow.” Loki thumbed a tear from my splotchy cheek. Fingers eased my curls back. “Just breathe.” I brought the fur from my mouth, exhaling carefully. “There you are.”

         I felt myself twitching. Trying so hard. Trying to just speak. Lips sounding out a word.

         “H-Hurts.” A fist rubbed circles into my chest. I whimpered as he hushed me. More sweet kisses on my crown for me to count until I weaned. 

         “I know, sweetheart,” Loki tucked me under his chin. Loved me so deeply. Didn’t lie. “It’s alright to hurt. Even over a person who hurt you.”

         My face burrowed back into his chest, body bundled up into a ball.

         And then Loki held me for the rest of that night.

Chapter Text

         “Loki! Stop that.”

         “Stop what? I am simply standing over here,” he’d insisted. My eyes narrowed before I turned back to the book in front of me.

         “Let me finish copying these potions down and then I’ll come out with you.” I’d made more potions and studied more books in the last few weeks than I could count, I couldn’t remember it ever being this busy. Muscles ached from hard bouts of training. Preparation for a final funeral loomed. Asgardians don't rot fast. Behind me, Loki waved his hand to order the notes and books I'd left. “I was getting to that.”

         “I am permitted to assist,” he countered. I felt the clip that kept my hair piled on my head shift as if someone had tugged it.

         “You’re doing it again!” I spun and Loki’s green eyes flashed with false innocence. A wicked grin followed that with glittering eyes. Trying to infect me.

         “You must be imagining things,” he shrugged when I turned back around to hurry and finish jotting a few more things down.

         “You’re the reason this took so long in the first place,” I muttered, “I have to go back to the healing room in thirty minutes.”

         “You’ve been spending a lot of time there.”

         “Short-staffed. Many are still traveling to our sister realms at Frigga's bidding. I don’t even know anymore, everything’s been absurd… Somehow more warriors have been coming in hurt. Lucky for us." 

         I felt another tug on my clip as I shut the book with a sigh of relief before my curly locks fell around my shoulders. 

         “Loki…” I groaned, head tipping back when I caught sight of his smirk. My clip floated over to his hand. His playful nature this day worked to brighten me. “You’re nothing but trouble,” I waved my hand to make the book slip back to its place before I got up to approach him. Magic felt more natural than it ever had. Another thing that livened me up. Despite everything.

         “You have thirty minutes,” he purred instead, taking my arms while I rolled my eyes, “I can help you relax before we part ways.” Slowly, I slid my hands around his neck and smiled sweeter, pushing my chest against his. Playing a little flirt. His nymph.

         “Help me relax…by getting me to the nearest meal. I’m starving.” Entertained at his flat expression, I moved to go around him and yawned as he trailed after me. Too closely observing my every twitch and tick.

         “Starving and tired?” Loki tilted his head when the door shut behind us. “When did you last eat?” Truthfully, I hadn’t seen as much of him as usual. Not with my everlasting need to keep busy. Felt like I might really drown if I stopped moving. 

         “Not that long ago, I ate breakfast,” my eyes widened in realization, “…yesterday.”

         “And before that?”

         “I’ve been busy, alright?” I rubbed my eyes. “Gods, when did everything get…so busy? I spent all of last night reading that spell tome you gave me and then this huge section on brain function for some work in the healing room and to be honest, I don’t think I retained any of it.”

         “You are exhausting yourself,” Loki took my elbow before he studied my face. Tone shifting. “We’ll be there for you tomorrow. You know that. We’re not going for him, we’re going for you.”

         “I’m only going because it’s expected of me as his daughter.” My head tilted aside to scrunch. I remembered every time I hit the ground. Skull cracking into wood floors. A knee digging into my flesh before a belt cuts down. The way father held me after because he was just so sorry. He didn't want to do it but I made him. A lump sunk down my throat.

         If I trembled, I’d shatter.

         “I understand how difficult this is for you. Playing the good daughter for the court and that bastard who...” Loki frowned at me. Slowed down. Easing carefully. “They long to have a field day over you after the incident.”

         “Incident,” I scoffed. “Yes, my father. Brave retired warrior. Making a drunken fool of himself in a pub. Tried to stab a man with a broken bottle. Threatened the guards. Have they ever put a violent drunk down before? Quick like they were shutting a lamp off.”

         “He wasn’t well-liked and they said he ran into the blade.”

         “Choked on his own blood on the cobblestone.” I swallowed, eyes shutting because the visual was too stark. Too red. “Causing carnage. Attacking people in a drunken stupor. Guards have simply jailed men for less. I just think it’s strange. All so perfectly timed. You and I were dancing in the gardens while he was choking.”

         “It was an accident, they happen.”

         “So was my birth,” I shrugged and walked along, “my mother will be there. She wrote to me. Used the money he left to move. I gave my portion to her, I don’t want it.” 

         “This isn’t fair to you. You don’t have to go.” Loki pulled for my elbow so he could hold me against him. Tired eyes scanned his face before I buried my nose in his chest to inhale. We embraced near the row of windows. Sharing a moment of peace. Away from so many eyes. “To hell with him.”

         “That’s why I’m going.” I pulled from Loki, lacing our fingers so we could walk along. “I need to be sure it’s real. I haven’t seen the body. I want to send him off. Say goodbye. I’m owed that much. The court will see me playing this part and be appeased too. I’m a good daughter going through the motions. He was a monster and he’s dead.”

         “Whatever you wish to do,” Loki got me to still and took my face in his hands. Thumbs smoothing. “I’m so proud of you, sweetheart. You’ll make it through this. It’s alright to slow down. To take time for yourself.”

         “A man who tormented me, my mother, everyone… He is gone. Wasn’t even a true father to me… He didn’t even die valiantly in battle. Sometimes, we don’t get closure losing people we love. But...often, it can feel worse to not get closure from people we hated. I'll never know why. Ever. For all of it. Why? I still remember his last choice words to me. He told me I was disgusting. He beat me. He tossed me out. I know I'm better off. I just...I need a reason.” I nuzzled Loki’s palm, planting kisses down his wrist before I was pulled back into his chest. 

         A tremor shook my spine. I did not want to feel this. Any of it. I couldn't stand the weight upon my back. The ache deep in my chest. I thought so often of being the one to bring my father down and even that was taken. Fate could only laugh in my face.

         “Can I ask you something?” I whispered, hands lifting to clutch at his chest. My head tilted to see Loki’s eyes.

         “Anything.”

         “Given the chance, would you have done it?”

         “Done, what?” Loki smoothed my arms, palms running up and down. A beat pulsed as I searched him.

         “Killed him,” I spoke. “Or given the order.” It wasn’t something I was supposed to say. So morbid and cold. Loki gave this exhale out his nose. Brow set and intent. Green eyes flicked.

         “Of course, when I discovered you beaten, I thought of it.” Loki seemed hesitant to answer for my fragile sake. “Do you believe this was some conspiracy?”

         “I don’t think you did it if that’s what you really mean.” I blinked. “I just...it was so perfect. The timing. The way it happened. I feel I need a reason. A reason all the weight was pulled away. And I have nothing to fill it with.”

         “You don’t have to rationalize this and you don’t have to feel bad whether you miss him or not. Your emotions are valid, complicated as they might be.”

         “Do you think Odin kept an eye on my father after that happened? The day I had in court about my parents.” I searched further down, tugging at threads. “If the guards knew to watch out for him...stepping out of line. Do you think the King and Queen both knew about me before all of this even started, I-”

         Loki eased my name, lips inched down to my temple. Lingering before he came out.

         “This happened too swift for you to even process,” he began, “I cannot say if it was just and I know it’s not been fair to you. You need to slow down and let yourself feel your way through this. Shutting down and throwing yourself into work isn’t going to last you. You’re burnt out.”

         “Using your moves,” I tried to joke and Loki beamed at me. Affection danced across his expression. “I’m going to shoot that arrow tomorrow. He doesn’t deserve the proper send off but I’m going to show up in my armor and do what I’m supposed to do. I’m not just doing it to save face for us or for the court. It’s the closest thing to closure I think I’m going to be getting for a while. It’s not enough. It’s not. Everything he did still lives inside me. But, the daughter he tormented. The daughter he thought was so useless and unworthy is the one sending him to the afterlife. The one who's going to live despite him.”

         Pushed up on my toes, I stole Loki’s mouth. Heard him hum soft and sweet against me. 

         “Take the week off. I’ll pull some strings.”

         “From training, perhaps. If the healing room needs me, I won’t refuse. They’re short-staffed. I have a shift tomorrow...after the funeral, it’s only four hours.”

         “Very well. That is fair, I suppose.” Loki mused, one arm slipped around my back so he could guide me away. “Come, let’s get you a warm meal.”

         Head tipping to his shoulder, I went lax to let him lead me off to something better.

** ** **

         “You’re going to be fine,” I smiled down at the warrior as the stab wound in his abdomen faded under a shifting glow. Healing stone crumbling. “Asta will bring you a tonic and then she’ll allow you to leave in a few.” I nodded to my friend. Newly married woman with bright blond locks and a broad smile. 

         “Tonic is ready and still warm,” she took over so I turned and passed busy healers to help a blacksmith’s apprentice with a nasty burn on her hand. 

         The scent of smoke brought me reeling back to this morning. Armor shifting. Wind blowing. My friends lined up behind my back. And me. Stepping toward a cliff to shoot one flaming arrow. My father’s pyre floating along the water. Flames crackled high. Starting and ending too quickly. I remember meeting my mother’s eyes. Standing too far away for us to mince words.

         I didn’t stay to watch the end. Marched back toward the palace with my friends flocking. Telling me how well I’d done. I heard the pyre crack distantly before I came back to the present. Closed myself off.

         “Can you assist Moira with the Elder in the other room?” Elisif requested minutes later. I washed my hands before I nodded quicker. Mechanical way of navigation kept me reeling forth. 

         Entering, I spotted Moira with Torvar. Quiet elder and usually found with a cup of wine in hand. Sick from a poisonous plant he’d come across in earlier travels. Seated against the bed, he looked to be with fever when I came over and took the rag from Moira’s hand; she got up to put a potion together.

         “You, girl. I know you,” he muttered as I dabbed his forehead. Gods, he was also still drunk. When I didn’t say anything, he snapped at me. “Speak!”

         “Yes, my lord,” I swallowed, eyeing Moira’s back in the corner. “You’ll be out of here soon, I’m sure.”

         “Prince Loki's little paramour,” he went on. “You still study under him in sorcery, do you not?”

         “That is correct, my lord,” I affirmed cordially, knowing very well about how I should speak to him regardless of how I felt. “The prince is very good to me.” I hoped his tonic would be finished soon and a guard came in. Tyr.

         We locked eyes and quickly detached from each other.

         “I am to report on his condition.”

         “He shall be fine very soon,” Moira answered, gentle as she worked.

         “Tyr, come in for a moment. This girl’s given up most of her warrior’s duties to study sorcery. Show her a real, hardworking protector.” The Elder was laughing and my chest twisted as his snide remark crept under my skin. Real? Hardworking? I worked damn hard, this man had no idea.

         “She works extremely hard, my lord,” Moira had paused behind me with venom in her eyes. An expression I’d never seen before on my friend. 

         “Forgive me,” Tyr seemed uncomfortable. “My lord, this woman has just buried her father. She drew the arrow mere hours ago. She deserves respect for all she does here.”

         “I’m well aware, her father was a snake, was he not?” Torvar pushed my hands away, the rag smacked the floor with a plop. “Probably rolling knowing his only daughter is tossing her life and name out.”

         “Just the poison and fever talking,” I clipped out, head shaking to cut Tyr off before he could speak. Stern expression twisting. 

         “Let these women do their job and you'll be well. They want you sobered and healthy. I must get back. Rest well,” Tyr paused and came to me, taking my hand to slip a folded note into my palm. “You did well today. I do hope you find yourself some peace later on. Perhaps a visit to the temple is overdue. It’s a good place to gather thought. Unbothered. Especially when it’s empty around dinner time.”

         “You’re very kind, Tyr.” I turned from him, pulling a fresh warm rag from a nearby dish. Face blank, I slipped the note into my pocket. The elder kept resisting me. Tilting his head away. Smirking at me. The door shut behind Tyr on the way out.

         Anger blazed my insides. I’ve been working so hard for so long and this vile man had the audacity to make such remarks without knowing a thing about me or magic. My hands shook and I pictured them wrapped around the Elder’s throat for a moment before his chuckle snapped me back to attention. I suddenly knew exactly how Loki felt and that made me even more upset, the thought of him receiving these comments from the Elders or anyone. These small minds that put limitations on us.

         “Shouldn’t you be picking flowers? Knitting, perhaps by an open fire and wasting away?”

         “Those who knit save us from a cold death during the winter, it’s hardly a skill to look down upon,” I replied with a special brand of sickly sweetness. “And I have not given up my duties, my lord, I have merely added to them.” 

         My voice quaked and my face heated when everything inside me churned over. I wanted to rip out this man’s eyes and force them down his throat. My father laughed in my ear and said, I told you so. He would put his hand on my thigh and squeeze.

         “I’ve seen this. A maiden not able to handle a sword. Turns back to her books instead.” He’d hissed back.

         I can handle a sword, among other weapons just fine. But, whatever the skill, you don’t excel enough yet, prodded a voice in the back of my head. Good, not great. Never great. My insides were tearing themselves apart and I couldn’t even defend myself properly. Torvar began chuckling again at me. At my skills. At my life. Not a real, hardworking protector. Nothing. I was nothing. I stood up from the bed so fast, I stumbled on my feet. 

         “And the grace to match.” His amusement continued, ringing around my head, and this all was killing me. Something sparked in my palms. Flooded me.

         “I’m finished,” Moira piped up a little louder than I expected. She touched my shoulder. “I can finish here, thank you for watching over him. I know you’re in high demand today.” 

         Her brow furrowed and she nodded for me to go, which I did. Pacing quickly into another empty room, I realized I was breathing sporadically and the straight posture I put on for everyone else crumpled. Breathe. Hands shook. My head pounded before I grabbed it, holding myself a moment while I paced. 

         I could use a good scream, I thought. Ysolda had a point even if Loki didn't forgive her and I was too damn nice. Too easy.

         Instead, I waved my hand and light swept over the room while that simple soundproofing spell did the work. Breathe! I looked up at the ceiling and caught my reflection in the gold above me before I heaved for air. Tight and abrupt. Doing what I should have done upon that cliff. Watching the man who ruined me burn wasn’t enough. Nothing was enough. I wasn’t enough.

         The scream that tore into my vocal cords rattled the room.

         And no one else heard it.

** ** **

         Poise and grace. I kept repeating that over and over in my head. Following the long halls. Pretending eyes weren’t moving over my body. Pretending the hushed tones eliciting weren’t about me. I was fine. This was fine. It had to be. I’d done everything right. By the book.

         The temple stood before me. A place of sacred prayer and offerings. A place of luminous ceremonies. Smoke pulled from freshly lit candles and incense. Hazing up toward an open window. Curtains billowed and I passed the rows down the aisle. Faces carved in every notch. Watching. They say the Norns listen well to us inside. Beyond the veil of Hel and Valhalla.

         I came to the end of the dim room before the altar. Fingers sparked to light myself a stick of spicy incense. Hoping to cleanse myself of this day. Ancient tongues upon my hushed lips, I came to my knees in wait. Let peace wash over me as the ember glowed down.

         Not moving, I heard a second set of steps. My mother knelt down next to me.

         “Tyr delivered my note. I hoped he would. He wasn’t happy about it. I don't think he likes me,” she paused. “I didn’t think you’d come.”

         “Frankly, I don’t know why I did. I played my part, I don’t owe much else.” I clasped my hands and she followed. “No one prays to me. The Norns will never turn their eyes upon my face. No use being here. You got what was left of him, I don’t want anything.”

         “You look well, I realize today was…” She trailed off.

         “Don’t patronize me, mother.”

         “I’m not trying to,” she settled down, hands in her lap. “I came here to tell you I’ll be moving further. Things between your...father and I, in the end, were not ideal. He slept on the couch. Left a lot. I met someone else and…”

         “I hope you’re happy,” I stood and she grasped my hand.

         “I know I hurt you.”

         “No,” I panged, “you have no idea.” A beat before I slipped from her. Poise and grace. “Why did you come here?”

         “I’ve kept things from you. I thought I was protecting you. I did. I failed. I know that, but you must understand-”

         “Understand, what? I just had to get over my father beating me? Ruining my memories of childhood? Think of the good times and ignore the bad, well where the fuck were they, mother! Where were these magic days for us?” I tried not to shrill but an echo had her rising to meet me.

         “He was not your father,” Mother’s confession shattered space apart, “I think you always knew that deep down.”

         Stilling, I tried to breathe. Tried to process.

         “What?”

         “Your father. Your real father passed before you were born. The news broke me and I fell into the wrong pair of arms. A man who swore to love and provide. To make you his so you wouldn’t be illegitimate. I was young. Not fit for the warrior’s life or anything high. No prospects.” She welled up, touching her lips. “Your father was a merchant. From a closed province he’d left behind for a few years to see the rest of Asgard. You have his eyes. His enchanting darker features. His empathy. There was a gift of magic in him he couldn’t speak on. Sacred to his roots. And I loved him.”

         And she loved him.

         “How… How could you keep this from me?” I veered back. “I wasted my life on a man who was a stranger. A man you brought into my orbit who hurt me! He hurt me!”

         “I’m so sorry,” she cried, hands lifting, “I wanted to tell you so many times, but he couldn’t know I told you. I...I…”

         “What happened to him?”

         “I met your father during a celebration in this old manor. Places where beings of all races, standings, and preferences could be together as one. King Odin was still undoing damage done by his father and grandfather. Your father...he wasn’t like anyone I’d known before. We spent a few torrid nights together and promised to keep in touch. It was a different time, we weren’t supposed to have a child together. It just happened. I sent him a letter and told him the news.”

         “And?” I pressed. Hopeless and gone. Still poised.

         “Something happened. He said he couldn’t provide for us. Didn’t explain why. Said you’d be in danger if the world knew you were his blood. Didn’t tell me what happened either, just said he was joining the ranks to escape. Entered into the next war. Next time I saw him was on a funeral pyre not even a month later. You growing in my stomach.” She swallowed. “I can send you everything I have on him, but it’s not much beyond his name now. He died fighting for a better future. Gave his life hoping it was enough. You’re so like him. The way you feel and see the world. I just wanted to keep you safe. I didn’t want them to know you were different and born out of wedlock.”

         “How am I just supposed to walk out of here as someone else’s daughter?” I shrugged, shrinking. Drowning. “Nothing to my name. Nothing of his. No face. Do you even know where he was born? If he has family living?”

         “No, it was a secret. His society was...very closed off was all he said. I’ve tried. I tried hard to find them, but I had nothing. Only you and I love you. I do. My first and only daughter. I...I thought I could fix things.”

         “By running!” I snapped. “By hiding and leaving me alone with that...that monster? You can’t just make a new life and then abandon it because your shame is so great! You let me live thinking I’d done something wrong by existing… There’s more, isn’t there? Pieces missing that you’ll never tell me.”

         “That’s all I can really say, you don’t understand the position you’re in now. Courting a prince. This could ruin you, I-”

         “I think you should go. Take your second chance and don’t waste it. I am too fucking nice, I should...I should scream. I should strike you! And I have nothing,” I wiped my eyes. “I can’t hear you speak anymore. I can’t. Don’t come back here. I’m tired of being told who I am. Especially by a person who never knew me to begin with. Loki’s my family now. More than you ever were. You pushed me aside like the rest of them. Lost and stumbling god revered by none.”

         "You must understand one thing, your true father, he-”

         “Leave me!” I burst out. Echoing into a world that would hush and come to its knees before me. Into the temple where the Norns lingered to watch. “My father is dead. My stepfather is dead. You might as well have been dead too. You weren’t there, mother! You shut down. You shut me out. And I'm not even supposed to be here in this narrative. If there’s a reason I’m alive still then I’ll find it for myself!”

         She stepped toward me but a threatening burst of light sparked out. Sweeping. Candles flicked upon the halls. Decorative chimes and banners shuddered and sang. 

         “My entire life, I was treated like I was nothing! A mistake. Invisible. Dispensable. You used me and when that use ran dry, I was cast aside. Well, no more! I’ll keep fighting and I’ll find my place without you.”

         “Please, just listen-” 

         “No, you listen!” Voice charging, I unleashed years of repressed hate. Rage. Pain. Let it fill the sacred temple like fleeting prayers. If only I’d known how many flocked to listen to my cries. One fist came to my heart. Fingers sprang out. Contorted. Light echoed. “My name will be etched upon these great halls forever one day even if I have to write it myself in my own blood! I will not be a single drop in the eternal stream! Hands will outstretch and eyes will covet! These souls will see me for all that I am. They’ll love me. They’ll pray to me. They’ll utter my name. Mine!” 

         I pointed up toward the sky beyond the glass waiting for me. Endless blues I’d splash across. Stone arches shuddered. All I ever wanted just within reach.

         “I only ever wanted my mother, do you not realize that? But, it cannot matter, you held me back in your own resentment and I'm done with it. I will touch these nine realms,” I promised her that, “and not one piece of my legacy will belong to any of you. Father. Mother. Stepfather. I’ve outgrown you all. You have no right to my heart. I don't need anything else. Only me. Only the soul I will build until it’s enough.”

         “For who?” She pleaded as I went. Watched me spark again. Hands lifted. Fists curls. Every candle and lamp extinguished. Flashed high and sparked out. Smoke rising, the glow of the sun pulled in the distant oculus. A single orange spotlight that illuminated me utterly when I turned to see her. 

         “All.”

         Foolish dreamer I was. Ready to sell everything off. Ready to change the world with my guiding lights. No idea what that would actually mean.

         “Go, I think we’re better off apart for a while.” Steps swiveled to march out before I paused. “Every beating I took from him, I did it for you. Praying you’d love me. The blood is on your hands as much as his. Whatever I do now won’t matter, I’m already dead. If you come back, mother, I’ll have Tyr drag you out.”

         “I’m so sorry, my baby…” She wept in my wake near the altar that was still smoking.

         One flick of my wrist had the doors slamming open and shut. Leaving my past behind. As much of it as I could. Scrambling, I made it out a side opening. Into the shine of sun and fresh air so I could breathe. Barely keeping my head above water. I tried to simmer down. Tried to numb. Tried not to be someone’s daughter wanting a family. A home.

         Tried to pretend my entire identity wasn’t detaching. Mangling in on itself.

         The healing room slowed when I arrived back instead of heading to dinner. Elisif studied my wild expression across the room. Whatever she saw made her stop what she was doing to cross. 

         I was closer to Elisif than Eir. Frankly, most found Eir and her needles and her experiments a bit unsettling. Frigga adored them both. Elisif was gender transitioned like Tove. She had a son too who enchanted all the healers during his visits. And she had poise that matched any royal in this palace. I wished for a piece of that tonight.

         “I figured you’d be at dinner and in bed soon after this morning, hon.” The sunset painted the room behind her.

         “Can’t sleep,” I trembled with unblinking eyes, “can I stay and help? I know the short staff is wearing us down. I’ll do anything. Please.”

         Elisif looked at me and seemed to almost send me off. A sigh left.

         “How about some fresh air? If you want to do a delivery for us, there is a pressing one. It’s a large shipment, they’ll ready a vehicle for you and-”

         “Yes! Tell me where and I’ll go right away.”

         “It’s an important delivery. Village had a few strange kidnappings so things are fragile there. They prefer it sent with a warrior for safe transport.”

         “Kidnappings?”

         “Attempted, at least. Some bandit tried to grab a barmaid when she went outside. She’s alright and it’s being looked into. I’ll have the path mapped for you in ten if you want to prepare.” She paused. “And please take it easy after, we’re short but take the week after this day.”

         “Talking to Loki, El?”

         “No comment,” Elisif gave my chin an affectionate tap before passing me to go. With nothing much to gather because I had a blade attached to my hip, I went to a table and jotted out a letter.

         “What are you doing back here?” Moira appeared from another room, shrugging off her robes.

         “I agreed to a delivery, are you on your way out?”

         “Yes, I wanted to see how you were-”

         “Fine, just fine. Ah, processing.” I braced my hands on the table to sigh before I folded the note. “The others should be getting out of dinner. Loki will probably head to my room. Can you...maybe bring this to him?”

         “Certainly,” she touched my shoulder. Tried to find a few words. “Be careful out there. And look, about that Elder, I am sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” 

          “No, you had to deal with him too. It’s fine.” I had to keep saying it. A smile cracked my expression apart. “Everything is fine.”

         “Have a safe trip, my friend,” Moira offered as she slipped away. “Come back as soon as possible.”

         “I will, thank you.”

         Frankly, I hoped to use the travel time to think. Loaded up and ready, I took the control of my sleek vehicle. One lever to steer as I sat beside it. And then I was off. Wind whipping as the sun came down to rest. Blank. Intent. I drew higher and crossed the grounds. Saw the province below. Still alive as night fell.

         Funny. How I was one thing hours ago and then something completely different. Fast as those candles blew out. I set my course and rose to curl one arm around the barge’s mast. A small sail for emergencies tied tight. Eyes took in that horizon waiting. I let myself sink into it. Until the glow disappeared. Replaced with the light of the moons above.

         Everything was clockwork when I came to land an hour later. I signed everything over. Let them unload it. Went through all the motions before I was reeling back. Cloak pulled tighter, I pushed my vehicle to speed. Thought of every lie my mother ever told me. Nothing felt real any longer. Was I real? Walking around with a stranger's face. A stranger's magic. A stranger's deep empathy. Soul full of bitter scars.

         The world seemed to ring around me. Eyes shifted to the forest below. And then something tapped the edge of my vehicle. Electricity sparked. Exploded. A cry sparked and I grabbed a rail as I was sent spinning. Crashing into the dirt road. Still ringing, I yanked the blade from my side. Curved steel glinting as I spun up to avoid an arrow that would have struck my chest.

         Darkness shrouding, I leapt up into the trees. Rustled through a few before heavy steps jogged toward my barge. 

         “Empty. They got away.” Two men in armor made of leather and hard scales peered around. Weapons up. My own blood began to heat and pulse. Beyond them, a horse-drawn carriage swayed back and forth. Three more enemies with it. 

         “Search the vehicle. It’s one of the Odin’s. Find them and kill them.” A sneering voice had me on high alert. Hand rising, I shook a tree on the opposite side of the road. Prepared myself to escape the other way and then I felt it. 

         A chill up my spine that made my heart burn and twist. Like a million hands were tugging at it. I looked back and saw this flash of too many overlapping colors. It dispersed just as quick. Begged for me. Clicking with gentle hymns. My soul thrummed deeply.

         Eyes drew to the carriage again that was padlocked tight. My heart felt the same pull. Telling me I was needed. Telling me to stay and fight until I could uncover whatever it was. Prayers. Hopes. Perhaps. Something close to it. I couldn't unbind such a sensation that brought tears to my eyes. Magic charged up my body and I felt myself let go. 

         A billow of purple cast the marauders every direction. I lurched out of the shadows to impale one. Hand over his mouth to muffle the cry before he was tossed aside. Blood pumped. Another arrow missed me before I spun, caught it with magic and sent it through a skull.

         “Little bitch!” A woman rose from the thrush. Their horse kicked up, veered off the road and detached from the carriage. Sending the whole thing toppling against a tree as it got away. “No!”

         I opened my stance to prepare for the battle. Magic up both arms. Swirling and taut. Another man approached with his sword up. The woman drew a mace.

         “One of Odin’s bold warriors,” they scoffed, “you’ll sell at a good price. Abled. Discount for the dusky coloring. Let us see that strength, shall we?”

         I realized it at that moment. Traffickers. Stealing men, women, and children in their travels to be sold as cattle. Odin sent out teams specifically to seek them out in this area. Must have been connected to the almost kidnapping. A growl tore from me. Teeth bared to snarl.

         Red sparked before my eyes. We dove at each other. Flesh split. Lungs choked. I struck them down and skidded to get to the toppled carriage without another thought. Magic coaxed the lock open, one hand rose with light to get the door. Cries elicited.

         At least a dozen people. Missing and displaced. Starved. Huddled together in hay and soot. Pleading already upon seeing me there.

         “I serve King Odin, let me help you. You’re safe.” I reached out and a teen girl leapt toward my arms. Sobbing. Everything she'd been through wailed out. All of them in shredded rags, frightened and still. I helped them out with darting eyes. They grouped together, too afraid to speak mostly. “Come out, hurry this way, there’s sure to be more coming for us.”

         “Do you have transport, milady? Some of us can barely walk,” a man limped out and had help from another as I got to them.

         “I have...had a vehicle,” my face fell when I craned to see my barge. One little boy, barely a teen tugged for my wrist. His mother clinging to his shoulder.

         “Many pardons, my lady, what series is it?” He inquired with huge eyes. Unafraid of me. Brown hair and knobby limps. “My father worked on them before he passed and I helped ‘em.”

         “My boy, he’s smart. Give him a chance and he’ll prove it, I promise you that. He knows those barges better than anyone.” His mother touched my arm. Seeming to try to stay grounded. A cry halted us.

         “You there!”

         I’d forgotten there was a fifth bandit. Arms spread to get the people cowering behind me.

         “My vehicle is just up there. Still smoking. Go, let your boy work. I have this.” I herded them back. The last man brought his axe high. Cries hit the air and magic tossed him aside. I heard scrambling behind me. Felt a spear of fire plunge toward my heart.

         Screamed.

         Blocked the world out because fury crackled my bones apart. He dashed at me again and I shattered. Lavender light plowed forth. Nearly peeled his flesh away before he was lifted. Armor pieces tumbled to scatter in a heap.

         There was so much evil in my world. Too much had touched my life. And all I needed was one night for it all to culminate at once in my soul that was massive and mutilated. Fists contorted and I cried out at the resistance. Made a motion with my hands as if I was tearing the head off a doll. Another scream was silenced and flesh tore. Joints popped out. Blood splashed my entire front. And then he was gone.

         Eyes went wide at the body that plopped down. Like I’d torn the threads of his soul apart. Out of the rush of lavender came different hues. A softer pink at the end that was going a rich bloodied red. 

         I’d never done anything like that before. Never flooded the world I feared I took up too much space in. Magic was about emotion and wanting and drive. Chest shuddering, I felt tugs on my arms.

         “More will come because of this, we must go. You saved us.” They kept saying that. “You saved us.” Unafraid that I was drenched red like a gleaming murderess.

         “Please get us out of here. We need you.” Another begged. My senses flooded, pupils filled to the brim in black.

         “You need me?” I uttered there, breathless. They all curled together and made room for me at the helm. I saw the little, brave boy on his back under the open console. Playing with wires meticulously.

         “Boy, what’s your name?” I knelt, hands lighting so he could see better what he was doing.

         “I’m called, Mikko, my lady.” He stuck his tongue out in thought. “I’ve never met a witch before. Only read about ‘em.”

         “Hang on tight, all of you, we’ll get you help.” I scanned for any injuries I could soothe myself. Nerves still on the fritz, I felt around for some supplies packed under the seats. Water and blankets. “How long have you been with them?”

         “Some of us: days, the others for weeks. A few...they did not make it.” An older gentleman covered the teen girl who’d clung to me earlier. Unable to speak. “We don’t know where they meant to take us. Never saw camp.”

         I told them my name. Kept telling them that they were safe now. Mikko’s mother hugged me close. Crushed with tears. None of them thought they’d make it out.

         “I’ve got it!” Unruly brown hair bobbed up. “Here, right here.” The vehicle lurched and skidded. Shuddering before it left the ground. Mikko tumbled into my arms as we picked up speed. Faster than it drove under normal functions. I handed the boy off to his mother and took the lever to steer. Teeth grit as I strained.

         “Hold on, ah,” I held steady, wind slapping through the spaces between us. Our vehicle sputtered. Charged through time and space it felt. “I can see...the palace. How do we stop?” I turned to Mikko and saw him sink lower.

         “I didn’t think that far.”

         “That’s… It’s fine. It’s alright. I can…” We turned as I pressed to veer us aside. Out of the growing thrush toward the training grounds. “Damn thing is stuck. Someone take the sail down.” I braced my boots on the side and put all my weight and strength into it before more hands reached to help. 

         We lowered. Sputtering louder. Beginning to smoke. Shouting from warriors across the way erupted before we plowed into the grass. Skidding. Dirt flying until we broke to a stop. Bodies jerked together before I groaned and poked my head up. Wobbling to stand.

         “Everyone alright? Sound off…” No grace left, I fell over the side in a heap with stars still in my eyes. Drained utterly. Rust and dirt under my nose. A nasty streak burnt through the fresh-cut grass in our landing.

         “My lady! You’ve done it,” Mikko reeled over me. Thin fingers shook my shoulders. Warriors sprinted toward us to help. 

         “To be fair, I think you did the hard work, kid,” I cocked a tired smile that he mirrored.

         “You’re the greatest witch in all of Asgard.” Mikko pushed me up with the others gathering around us. “And I don’t say that because you’re the only one I know.”

         A smile broke through the red on my face. This little boy who gave me something the world denied for too long.

         “Prince Thor!” A gasp had the Asgardians parting.

         “Make way!” Thor, in all his glory, charged to take the scene in. Dedicated warriors behind him. “We’d just gotten reports of…” His eyes found me in the grass. Blood splattered. Flesh and intestines crusted to my front. Mikko’s mother helped me stand so I shuffled between the two groups.

         “There are traffickers, my prince. In the mountains. These people need medical attention now, they’d been locked into a cart. There are likely more. Many more.” I felt some awareness flood when Thor took me by the shoulders to steady me. Big palms pressed flesh. Had me sighing out. I touched his leather chest piece. Felt out to stay grounded.

         “Get them all to the healing room, right away. Rally my warriors and send word to father. Now.” Thor began barking orders off. “You all will be safe in the healing room, we’ll get to the bottom of this. You have my word. Rest first, we won’t send anyone into questioning until they’re ready.”

         “You saved us,” Mikko’s mother swept me forth, “we’ll keep you in our thoughts.”

         My heart swelled.

         “Will we see you again?” The boy came to me so I knelt. 

         “Yes, I help in the healing room and I promise to be around for all of you. I’ll put in a good word with our king about you, for all you did to assist.” I winked, eyes lifting. “May I give him something?”

         With a nod from his mother, I smiled again. 

         “Promise me not to unsheathe this unless necessary and only when you’re older,” I unbuckled my dagger, “take care of it for me wherever you go next. It’s good luck.”

         “Is it magic?”

         “Oh, yes, but I’ll tell you a secret. The magic comes from you. Right here,” I poked his chest, “your courage and hope give it the power. And others feel it too. I was scared back there and you helped me.”

         “I was scared too,” he’d admitted, eyes lowering before he took the sheathed blade to clutch it close. Mikko pressed a hand to his heart and bowed his head.

         “You have my thanks, lad, for assisting one of my best warriors home,” Thor knelt next to me with a bright smile. “Rest and a hot meal await you and your mother now. My family shall not forget the good deed you’ve done. We can make this right.” With a slight cock of his head, the prince saw them off after the rest before turning to me. Still wobbly, I swayed on my feet. Used Thor’s bicep to keep steady until he got the hint and swept me into his body. “You need a healer as well.”

         “I’m fine...it’s not my blood.” I let Thor sit me on a stone bench. Calloused fingers tucked my hair aside. “Loki told me. There’d be times after I expelled great bouts of magic...I’d tire. I need to speak with the king. Tell him everything.”

         I met Thor’s eyes and saw them searching my face. Trying to piece together what I’d done from all the filth on my skin. He came to squat before me, still checking for injuries as if I’d lied. Which was fair because I would have.

         “There were five.” I mused, eyes elsewhere. “Well trained. Good armor and weapons. They had those people in a cart like animals. They knew what they were doing to stay under the radar. They choose their prey carefully and strike at the best time. City to city. Heimdall will find more.”

         “Aye…” Thor sighed, one broad palm took my face. “You’re grey and spooked. You did very well. Those people would not have come to safety otherwise.”

         “I got lucky and many didn’t make it out of that cart I imagine." My breath picked up, head shaking. "Many more are waiting for us in bondage.”

         “Our warriors will do everything we can. Take this win to start.” Thor’s lips pressed. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”

         “I need to speak with the King,” I let Thor pluck me up into his side so we could walk. I staggered along. Numbed out. Still someone else's daughter with nothing but mystery in my blood and bones. “And-”

         My name was called up ahead. Loki. Racing under the line of statues to open his arms for me. Terrified and still beautiful against the gold and alabaster stone. My prince. All I ever wanted. Something in me burnt. Welled up. And I was perking to race into him. Bodies fused together. 

         Senses awoke at the feel of him. His magic. And I weakened for it. He held me under the line of his ancestors. I looked up at their marbled eyes watching me. Pieces of history always staring down the line. Maybe hoping we didn't make the same mistakes. Shifting, I saw my own reflection in the gold sheen. Finally got a look at myself. Soul shredding. Born in blood. 

Chapter Text

        Thor and Loki both forced me into a bathing pool and let a healer prod before I was led to his majesty. I stood there beneath the steps and told my story. Most of it. To all the royals. The court. The generals. I saw hands twitch. Eyes that hung onto my every word because war was coming again.

         Clad in a crepe periwinkle gown. Smelling of roses again. I spoke until my throat dried out. Thor and Loki on either side of the King with Frigga to his near right. Picturesque family. I watched as Odin sent his warriors and scribes and advisors scrambling. A battle would come with Heimdall’s word.

         Loki came down the steps. Hoping to relieve me to rest but I lifted my eyes.

         “May I have an audience with the King?” I stepped closer. Too close to the stairs than I should have. “Alone?” Loki opened his mouth but I shook my head. “We have much to discuss as well. In your chambers.”

         He pressed my hand and Odin came down toward me. Eyes trained carefully before a curt nod followed. Frigga and everyone retired for now. Blood pumping until the next ravaging battle. 

         “Walk with me,” Odin held out his arm so I took it. Loki cast me one glance before Thor tapped his shoulder, head tilting so they could go speak. When the room was empty with echoes, I took the king’s arm. Let him lead me out a back pathway toward a great balcony. Overlooking the quiet training grounds. Fires flickering from every lamp. Two ravens flocked to either side of the stone, beady eyes trained on me. Heads cocked in sync. The King regarded them and turned to see me there. 

         “Something more troubles you.”

         “Loki told me I could come to you. About magic. I didn’t want to bring this to him or Frigga just yet.” Frankly, I think I needed a father right now. Heart pleading for one to just love me. I'd be so good if only for a father's affections. I slipped away to see below, sighing into cool night air before Odin shed his cloak to warm me. Gentle, I thanked him.

         “Yes, I will always offer my council,” he moved to my left and watched the grand scene before us. Ocean shifting in the far distance. Crescent moons above us. “I’m sure you're overwhelmed. This discovery after your father.”

         Fingers clutched the fine fabric closer to shroud me. Stepfather, I wanted to say. 

         “I forget sometimes, how evil a heart can be. How that kind of hatred can change the world.” Glaring aside, I shuddered. “I lied.”

         “Yes?”

         “When I said I heard the voices on the cart. I…I was about to run.” Struggling, I looked at the king. “I felt them. I can’t explain it. It was like a glimmer of light and color in my peripherals. Like a piece of glass in my eye. A chill up my spine when I think a person has entered a room. But, nothing's there. I can’t explain it fully. It’s not something I’ve felt before but at the same time… Is that possible? That kind of magic? It’s almost like what I feel when Loki or Frigga..or even you...are around. We can feel each other’s magic in the vicinity. But this, it was more. It was all emotion. Magic is about taking forces inside you and I...”

        I felt that chill again. But, briefly. Odin blinked. Seemed to pulse as I spoke. And then it passed. My nerves pricked to the edge, fists closing. For a moment, I thought he might put his hands around my neck and squeeze. The King's expression tempered. Too quick for me to process.

         “There is much unexplained when it comes to the magic arts. We’re all so unique in our development.” Odin braced his hands on the stone. One beat unsettled me. “Have you told Loki or anyone else about this in any length?”

         “No, not yet. Just came to you first. It was really the only time it happened. It’s almost like I felt...their emotions like they were my own. I felt them nourish me and it hurt too. Emotions ache. Even happy ones.” I shrugged, helpless. Unable to touch anything else. “And after...this rage. It was mine, but it was all their pain. I felt it and I struck those beasts down like dogs, but the last one. I did something horrible to him. Something I’ve never been able to do. I just… I wanted to tear him to pieces and my magic cast that like a wish in all its brutal glory. The power, I didn’t think I had that in me.”

         “And does this potential frighten you?” Odin turned and met my uneasy stare, standing taller to clasp his hands.

         “Honestly, my king, it scares me more that it didn’t.” I quivered there, eyes wide. Looking beyond him now. “I’ve struck down many lives and I don’t often lose sleep over it. I know what I signed up for. This was something else entirely. I just want to know what’s happening inside me. If it’s abnormal or if there is someone else who might understand it. I want my place in this. I have to be close.”

         “You’re a talented witch. And you feel deeply. Perhaps to a fault.” Odin eased all that. Words like honey that sunk me into eternal pools. “You realize what would have become of those lives, had you not found them. Anyone else would have felt the same anger. This has already been a stressful month for you. These things happen to us in the heat of it."

         Common. I don't know why his answer etched me in the slightest sheen of disappointment. I was so sure there was more. This was more. I was more.

         "It would not do you any favors to dwell. Just keep your studies going. Have care and control in what you do. There are so many forces watching. Guiding. Best you can do is move forth and put this lapse aside. You are a great warrior on the right path. Stay on the right path." The king exhaled gently. I didn't know what the right path was. "Straying now will harm you...and potentially Loki in turn. You're building an image together.”

        Odin settled his hand on my shoulder. So careful. A father’s touch. Tension in my spine dropped away. Along with my silly overthinking. 

        “Best not to bring this to him either. Upsetting your studies now would do you ill. Don’t read further into it. Again, we’re all unique. We develop in mysterious ways. It’s normal.” Odin searched my eyes. Waited until I nodded before he pressed his lips. Maybe he was right. I read deeply into too much until I’m dragging. “I understand it wasn’t easy to see those people being ferried away. We’ll liberate any more we can. You have my deepest gratitude for your handling of this. I'm also aware you drew the arrow this morning. What you need most is rest.”

       “My father would have sold me, given the chance,” I admitted, “so easily too for a few shiny gold coins. I can’t stop seeing their faces when I opened that door, my king.”

       “You fought well for them and they live because of you. Trust that.” Odin looked out at Asgard. Greying. “I was your young age when I was given my first real commands. My father let me lead men and women charging into war. Not unlike any other. I was certain I knew it all. We had heat and strength. We couldn’t lose. And I led my first line into a massacre. Woke up in my mother’s arms while she wept.”

       “I am sorry,” I offered, near silent. 

       “There are things we cannot change. Mistakes we’ll always make. But, we can fight for something better. And these souls see us fighting for them. They’ll fight next to us. And we’ll go on. We’ll always go on.”

       “Thank you, my king,” I pulled the cloak away to offer it.

       “You have a soul that inspires loyalty,” Odin said, “let yourself have it.”

       At the time, I hadn’t believed him. But, I smiled. Let the fabric slip away. And then I bowed my head, one fist to my heart in the warrior’s gesture of respect, before I saw myself out.

         Floating back toward Loki’s room. He flocked to me in one instant as if he’d been hiding behind the door. Hands on my arms to pull me in. Rambling about how I never came to dinner. How I disappeared and reappeared covered in blood.

       “Loki,” I swelled, sniffling, “I need to tell you something. I can’t tell anyone else.” He brought me to sit upon the bed. “I took that job before dinner because I wanted to get away. I...I saw my mother in the temple. I know it wasn’t allowed, but she…” 

        The exact words caught. Pilled up my throat and choked me.

       “Talk to me.” Affectionate hands took my face. Already I was welling. Unable to face the truth of it. “Moira informed me of what happened in the healing room. Torvar.”

       “I understand it now. How these people look at magic when it’s not used accordingly,” I frowned and Loki sighed. Not wanting that for me. He said my name. Too gentle and tender for me to handle. I cracked. Eyes on our clasped hands.

       “You ever…” I paused, licking my dry lips before I turned toward him, “…wake up and just realize what a...what a damn lie your life is at times?” 

       Loki furrowed his brow.

       “When you’re feeling like that, do you look to your parents for that reassurance you crave? Your mother would say she loves you and…the man you call father…he…”

         My lip trembled so I collected myself. Everything flayed raw.

         "Maybe you look to me. I love you. You love me so much. Being in a relationship doesn't cure the sicknesses we both live with. But, we wouldn't die without each other. We'd go on. We'd survive without the other. I think the point...is that we don't wish to. But, there are things I cannot survive losing. My identity. The tiny pieces of shattered glass I've stepped on and crawled over to bind back together."

       “What happened?” He requested, craning to meet my eyes again with some struggle.

       “My birth happened. This could change things for us. My mother. She told me that…that the man I called father for all my life. The man I longed to impress. The man that I tried so hard to make love me. Protect me. The man who abused me instead. The man who ruined my life. Took my childhood. Shredded my memories and soul apart. He…he wasn’t my father. Not by blood.” I clenched, hair shifted as my head lowered. 

       “What?” Loki touched my chin. I tried to feel my way through it. The pieces my mother dropped before me. Another crack. I was lost.

       “Oh gods,” I put my face in my hands when a tremor shook my body. “Saying this out loud makes it so real…and I don’t want it to be. That monster put that axe in my hands and rubbed against me. He fucking knew.” I cursed. Growled low with repressed rage and swore again. Loki inched toward me, trying to fathom it. “No one else can know.”

       “You can confide in me,” he coaxed. Fingers paling at the knuckle from holding onto me so tight.

       “His eyes, Loki. I have his eyes. It hurts so much. I just want to die," I squeaked, "and I think of that vile man I called father for so, so long. My mother let this lying beast into the house and he put his hands on me. I wonder if he hated me because I was not his. It's not fair because I could have been. Easily. I really could have been.”

         Shortchanged forever because of a life I never knew.

         A pair of arms entrapped me. Felt like a desperate gesture we both needed. Shocked, I gripped at his tunic. Fingers twisted to wrinkle it. Love ached, same as everything else, but it was a good ache with Loki.

         “I’m sorry,” I whimpered, bringing my head up to look at him.

         “Do not apologize,” Loki’s eyes searched mine for a moment. Not recoiling or looking at me any different. I never expected him to because he was good and he loved me to the core. Always saw beautiful things in me that I struggled to find on low days. We gave that to each other. "Just breathe."

         “I, ah, should have told you instead of running,” I insisted. “And…” I sniffled. “And today, that damn elder… I’m sorry. I understand it now fully.”

         “I did not want you to. There are no limits on the things we can do. Always remember that.”

         “It brought up all these terrible past thoughts. For him to just toss me out like that as I was working… As I was trying my best. Disgusting. I’ve run myself ragged with everything. My work. My training. My family. The court. And I’m scared that I’m at…this standstill." Eyes focusing, I found my greatest fears. Let them bleed. "What if this is the best I'm going to be all my life?"

         "You will increase," Loki offered in his cryptic sort of way. Soothing with deft hands.

         "I don’t feel in control of anything. I threw myself into my work because I could control that. I thought so. Nothing else mattered and now I can barely bring myself to work and I don’t know what else to do. I’m scared of waking one day and being unable to move.” Tears rolled down my cheeks. I'd wept so much this year, I thought I might fill the damn ocean.

         "I've got you. Right now. I've got you. Keep breathing. Speak, scream, do what you need." Loki shuddered, holding my face to see my eyes. "I am here. This is real. We're together."

         “I can’t even focus. Every time I’ve opened a book lately, I just haven’t retained anything or fully understood and…and I just feel so stupid, Loki. I feel so small and stupid.”

         “You are not stupid,” Loki touched my hair, pulling my exhausted body against his chest. My breathing became uneven and quick. I was possessed. Lost. Nonverbal and rambling all at once. Panicked. Loki took my palm and settled it on his face. Skin to skin contact that woke me up. My fingers sunk back, into his hair from root to tip. Woven into the black.

         “I am here,” came his next promise. “You are driven and magnificent…and you are mine. You're alive and that's a beautiful thing.”

         Flesh raw. Bones hot. I was undone. Unbound. Cupping Loki’s hands that held my face now. A pulse quickened under my digits.

         “It’s funny,” I wobbled with a manic smile and he kept me steady. “You are one of the few consistent truths in my life.”

         “And I will stay for as long as you wish it.”

         “Do…” Lips quivered to form the words. To release sound that scratched. Fleeting syllables. “Do you need me?”

         The tragedy of being a god. You absolutely have to be needed. You'd serve and bleed and claw and destroy the worlds all the same for such a thing. And if you're not needed, you might as well not even exist in the sun's eyes. Gods are always going to be bound to souls that need them. We go where we're needed most and that's what I begged for every night as I was closing my eyes.

         The souls that needed me were alive somewhere waiting. They had to be.

         They had to be.

         “Yes,” Loki professed, “and I always will. I will always want you.” Steady, Loki took my hand again. Placed it on his chest. Let me feel his heart hum so I could match it. So I knew there were days it beat quietly for me alone. “Every day I see your face and I’m reminded...how lucky we are to be alive. Here. Together. And I’m not afraid of what will come for us. I know who I chose and I'm not afraid when we're together.”

         I came to the only sentiment that mattered this hour. Lips brushed his thumb sweetly.

         “And that’s enough.”

** ** **

         Shifts in the healing room were picked up excessively. I tried to ease tormented minds as each survivor was discharged. Led toward something better. Waiting for Odin to call us for a battle.

         Little Mikko’s spirits brightened rooms despite all he'd been through. He was gifted a medal for bravery before leaving with his mother. I tried to go through the motions slower. Careful study and meditation. Always remembering the splash of hot blood on my face. The tendrils of emotions that called to me like children.

         Just an odd magical lapse. Nothing more. Life resumed. A stack of letters from my mother began to build in my desk drawer. She and my father were passing souls. And I was only left with his name. His eyes. She had loved him. I knew she loved me. Touching that was too much weight to bear.

         “You’re up early again.” A deep rumble muffled into wrinkled sheets. Loki lifted his head from the pillow to blink at me. Reclined in my cushioned windows framed by the ethereal sunrise. Shrouded in iridescent orange light straight from the golden halls of Valhalla.

         More flickers pulsed and flowed between my fingers. Sweet lavender. Weaving while I hovered and motioned with my hands.

         “Another dream?” Loki admired me. The sun caught his expression to kiss it.

         “The same one,” I felt my brow scrunch together as I concentrated. Watched the colors flit and whirl. No sign of the underscore of red that threatened to taint it during that battle. Perhaps I imagined that too. “Is it possible for our magic to change colors?”

         “I haven’t seen it. Our glow is rather signature. One maybe two colors. Static over time to our soul. Probably take tearing it to create more.” Loki roused in a loose pair of pants, smoothing his hair while he came to me. The words plucked a cord in my gut. I said nothing.

         Taking a careful seat across the way, Loki lifted his hand. Made a smooth, quick motion. Playful greens and golds flooded into my tendrils. A smile perked me up, eyes lifting to see him match it.

         “Tell me about the dream.”

         “Again?”

         “Any new developments?” Our woven magic fluttered and snuffed out. Loki shifted so I could place my head in his lap. Eyes sly to wordlessly beg for him to play with my curls. Amused, he obliged. Purrs elicited at those graceful fingers dancing. Twisting into ringlets.

         “You were in it,” I mused, “we were in this...ancient manor that was all run down and flooded. Trees and flowers growing up out of the cracked stone floors. It was...so dark. Beautiful too in an unsettling way. But, the twisted trees were made of gold. And they had crystal apples decorating the branches.”

         “Sounds almost charming.”

         “We shook the trees and those apples shattered,” I brought my hands up, wove the image with magic in midair with my lights. The closest thing I'd gotten to illusion magic because Loki withheld it. “They splashed vibrant colors all over the room. Looked like the rainbow bridge and they made this musical sound. A whole symphony. I think there were memories in them. Or dreams. Or the future. And we danced as every single one tumbled down.”

         “Did you follow the hallway again?” Loki raked his fingers over my scalp, earning a sigh.

         “Yes. Blood dripped from the walls and my stepfather was at the end. Standing inside a mirror. Sometimes I see myself there. Or a version of me. She smiles as if she’s happy like I’m finally looking at her. She'd been waiting for me to look. Her cheeks split because she smiles so wide,” my voice gave a tremor, “she’s a shade of me. Something that got left behind or something I hide. I don't know. But tonight, I saw my stepfather there.”

         “Did he speak to you?” Loki watched me hesitate before I nodded, eyes raising to his as my spell faded. Hand clasped on my stomach.

         “He asked me who gods cry to when they’re falling from the highest branches,” I frowned. “Said no one sees us suffer and wilt. I don’t know, he said lots of things.” Loki’s digits traced down my jaw. “I keep thinking about those trees and the music they made. Crystalline shatters of light and color. I keep trying for a better look but it's just flashes I forget in the morning.”

         Together, we watched the sun rise higher. Bathing in the glowing pools. I rose to get under Loki’s arm. Cheek pressed flushed to his collar. Skin on skin. Settling.

         “We’ve focused a lot on me,” I remarked.

         “My day-to-day has been a bore.” Lips touched my hair.

         “Stuck in council sessions and endless study,” I mumbled into his chest, keen to listen to the heart there. “I’m sure they talk your ear off about all your princely duties.”

         “Ah, as they also try to get Thor to sit still next to me,” Loki settled his chin on my crown, “not as if Thor ever listens to me either.” Arms settled around me, trapping us together there in the glimmering warm hues. “I asked the council last week to embed more sorcerers in our lines. Good to look out for each other with more of us. Even opening a school could help young ones struggling with the forces they repress. And they shot me down. We could easily enlist Alfheim’s assistance and they hated that all the more. Elves. Not as if they admitted it, just prattled about time and energy.”

         “I’m sorry, that’s not fair because it’s a wonderful idea.”

         “I had all the plans carefully mapped out including a timeline. They barely scanned them. Thor told me it was a nice sentiment...and that the way we handle our warriors now is fine. He doesn’t understand it. Didn’t even try to, his magic channels so effortlessly and the brutality of his might doesn’t read as real magic to them. Just Mjolnir. I understand training is something he takes to heart, but there was no harm in expanding. I wasn’t trying to take anything or change it all.”

         “You just wanted to open up the skillset here,” I replied, hands skimming around his waist. "It would be safer too if there were more of us. We attune well to each other."

         “I just hoped to be heard out,” Loki winced, “or at least supported by my brother. I go out of my way for him even when he’s acting like a damn brat. And the things the council says about us. It’s disgusting.”

         “What are they saying to you?” I lifted my head and Loki peered elsewhere. He clearly hadn't meant to blurt that.

         “You already have so much stress on you.” He frowned when I touched his chin to draw him back. Shoulders dropped. “They worry how it will look. Us marrying and providing heirs before their future king. They worry about the image we set. And they…”

         “Tell me.”

         “They worry what features our children will inherit.” Loki made a face. Chilled. Appalled. He looked aside again.

         “I’m light enough to join the family, but too dark to further it,” a scoff swelled a lump in my throat. “We haven’t...spoken in length about marriage and children.”

         “When a prince courts, it’s all the council speaks on. It was only Erikur’s opinion and Calder snapped at him for it.” Loki made this aggravated sound. “I like what we have now, there isn’t pressure to be more. I certainly won’t put any on you.”

         Truthfully, I wasn’t sure I wanted a child. Definitely not now. If I married Prince Loki, it would be expected. I’d be yanked through the gutter by Asgard if I didn’t produce. Like that was a crime.

         “We’ll just keep at the pace that works best for us,” I settled back into Loki’s embrace and returned it, “like we always do.” With a sigh, I plopped back into his lap. Curls splayed. Loki admired me there with tender eyes. My tone changed.

        “Who was your first?” I asked out of the blue and those green eyes went wide. He tilted his head in question. “Kill.” I finished. “Your first kill. And I don’t mean on a hunt.”

         “Oh. That is easier to explain,” Loki’s lip upturned and I scrunched a little smile. “I was hardly an adult at the time. Father was holding these vile poachers before trial. They escaped the dungeons and wreaked havoc. Unfortunately for them, my father, brother, and I were in the prisons that very day. I remember one, twice my size at the time, ran straight toward me with a broken spear raised. I did not even think. I shot a blade toward him like I’d done thousands of times in training...”

         I hummed as he continued. Eyes elsewhere in thought.

         “It was then, as the blade went toward his heart, that I realized my target was an actual living being and I would be the one to take that away from him. After he went down, I’d turned to go assist the others. Guards began to filter in and I remember hearing Thor’s battle cry on the floor above.” Loki almost scoffed, exhaling deeper.

         “I remember this vaguely… The horns went off and about shook all of Asgard,” I nodded. “How did you feel after?”

         “Like I had saved my life and hopefully many others. I felt like I did what needed to be done,” Loki replied simply, peering down again. “When did you kill your first man?”

         “It was a woman actually. They can be just as evil, especially to each other," I corrected. “This tribe of bandits, if you remember, raided my village so long ago. Never seen chaos like that. Them trying to burn us down. I had been back from the training grounds. Warriors and guards alike arrived to stop them.”

         “I recall this, yes. It was one of the rare occasions I was near your village. I'd forgotten. But, I could not find you.”

         “You tried looking for me?” I tilted my head.

         “Of course I did,” he persisted, “I didn’t see you until after, when you left the healers.”

         “Yes,” I touched my shoulder, “this woman had cornered me in an alley. I remember smoke covering everything, I could barely see. She snarled like a bilgesnipe and almost took my arm off with her axe, only swiping into my shoulder. Told me I had pretty hair and she’d be scalping me after,” I laughed drier.

         “I much prefer it the way it is on your head,” he added. “Go on.”

         “She lunged for me and I lifted my sword so quick, it sang against the air as it cut through it. But, she didn’t when it pierced her chest. Just screamed. Tackled me. We struggled. I yanked my sword from her and she just kept screaming at me as her blood splashed us both. Thick like tar. I remember wanting, above all, for her to…to just stop screaming.”

         “So what did you do about that?” Loki kept his eyes trained on mine, unblinking. Fingers caressed my supple cheek.

         “I stabbed her until the screaming stopped completely.” I paused, eyes alight. “And afterward I think I felt as you did. We cleaned up the village, life went on as if it never happened, and here we are hundreds of years later with a longer line of battles to match that one. Our lives are so strange. I’d never been kissed. Hadn’t even bled as other women do. Hadn’t finished school. And I killed someone. What if this is...all wrong? Our narrative.”

         “How do you mean?”

         “We’re gods. The higher power. We set the example. We make decisions that shock these nine realms and they look to us for answers. What if we’re actually the monsters?” I hesitated, voice trailing off. “We’re not supposed to think that way. Children sometimes kill before they leave school. Before they fall in love.”

         “This is the role assigned when you’re Asgardian. We serve the cycle and guide it all at once. Scrambling for purpose. Every realm believes they’re doing right.” Loki mused, no judgment.

         “How do we know who is right,” my chest sank, “if truth is a singular thing?” Loki pampered me in affection, hands weaving down my hair. Fingers smoothing my jawline and cheeks.

         “It’s possible there is no real answer, we all navigate this life so diversely. Follow our hearts to the end. Watch and shape the development of our nation. Find a place along every branch.” Loki leaned over to crane and nuzzle. Lips trailed across my temple. “Perhaps that is the best we can do.”

** ** ** 

          “The prince is here for you.” Asta’s voice caused my head to snap up from the pad I was hunched over. Eyes adjusted when I rubbed under them to fix the makeup before I switched off my work, holograms above me dissipated. Days kept passing. Life settled. Felt like a waiting game at this point. 

           “Already?” I hurried to push my things aside neatly, standing to check the time before I cursed under my breath. “Thank you, I’ll be out in a moment.” I yanked the tie from my hair and hissed when it pulled at strands before I finished up, stumbling around.

           “You did well today,” Elisif took my pad as I handed it to her. “Enjoy the evening. We won’t have a shift for you in a while with staff back to normal. The hours you put in were so appreciated. Take the break to focus on you.”

           “Thank you,” I beamed, running my hand over my messy curls before I cringed at it in the mirror. Trying to ruffle it down in the next room proved useless but Loki smiled upon seeing my face which caused me to relax. “Sorry, I ran late today.”

           Healers shifted around us while he came from his conversation with Eir.

           “Eir tells me it was difficult this afternoon. Screaming rang through the palace.”

           “Oh, he’s all better. Won’t be diving anymore after that beastly thing almost tore his legs off. But, the patient is healed now. Resting,” Eir explained.

           “One of those days,” I shrugged and Loki’s lip curled up.

           “My meeting ran late as well. Elders love to talk so no worry on your part.” Loki watched me untie my healer's robes and leave them open over a grey dress. “Mother stated that she’d be here within the hour.”

           “Of course, we’ll have the room prepped for her arrival,” Eir bowed. “My prince.” 

           Loki nodded his head once and touched my back to steer me out while I yawned. A few healers waved as they moved around the room and I left with Loki at my side.

           “Sorry, I was supposed to be back in my room at this time.”

           “I didn’t think you would be, palace had a busy morning.” Loki dropped his hand as I stretched. “Tired from your long hours?”

           “Yes, a little sore too. Like I said, one of those days. That poor man thrashed for an eternity and didn’t make it easy to work.”

           “He probably won’t be trespassing in that part of our waters for a while. Father blocked it for a reason.”

           “Pursuit of knowledge on unknown sea beasts, Loki. I’m certain you understand,” my joke caused him to grin before he swept me toward his body, arm looped around my waist. “Ugh, my hair is a complete mess.”

           “Your hair is always charming.” Loki kissed my head and inhaled. Thrilled to be beside me. “How about we enjoy dinner in my chambers tonight? Get you started on your newfound freedom from the healing room.”

           “Yes, please. Not sure if I can handle going out,” I tipped my head into his shoulder while we walked and huffed. “I can’t believe today was exhausting, I didn’t even train outside or anything. It’s not fair.” My whine elicited a chuckle before I went on. “How was the meeting with the warriors?”

           “Too long and rather boring. You didn’t miss much in truth. Fandral fell asleep and tried to lean on me. Tried.”

           “That bad? No word on-”

           “Not yet. Father sent out a few teams. We’re waiting on their return.”

            I came up to look at him before we ascended the steps. The sky dimming just beyond the arches. A sweet breeze touched my cheeks. Loki unlocked his door and allowed me inside.

           “Sit, make yourself comfortable and I’ll see to dinner.” Magic illuminated the lamps and I felt genuine delight, contented when I slipped into a chair at his table. It was barely two minutes before he slid back in and peered at me.

           “Hm?” I braced my head on my elbow.

           “Just admiring,” Loki stepped forward, shutting the door. “You do look tired.”

           “I am… You should have seen this man’s wound, not much has made me queasy but the flesh and muscle were literally hanging in strips from his bone and-” Loki touched one finger to my lips, stilling me.

           “As much as I love when you’re utterly morbid, best keep that idiot out of the way for now.” He leaned down to kiss me, finger slipping to press under my chin. “How did you spend your day after the fact?”

           “Fighting with massive potions we had to make before I was hunched over some files until you found me after about two hours. Did a little ingredient collection too which I strangely enjoy in the restricted gardens. Peaceful. Did you let Fandral have his nap?”

           “I pushed him onto another warrior. They seemed to accept it. You did miss Thor shooting down Herlof’s idiot comments.” 

           “Damn, I enjoy that,” I winked. Loki moved behind me and shifted the hair from my shoulders, fingers tracing along the hem of healer’s robe before he pulled them down over my arms loosely.

           “What are you…?” A moan suppressed when cool hands pressed into my skin to massage.

           “Stiff,” he noted so I gave a pout.

           “Spent my whole day rushing around. I even showered a second time on my break after dealing with that bloody mess just to relax before I ate lunch. Thought my eyes were going to fall out on that file I was looking over,” I swallowed while Loki’s fingers pressed hard circles. “That feels divine.”

           “My poor, little apprentice,” he mused, entertained because I was leaning into it.

           “It’s nice to keep busy. Distracting.” I made a sound low in my throat. "Imagine if the council found out I was not only poor but a bastard? I wouldn't hear the end of that." Palms flattened on the table.

            "You are still my only and favorite student." Loki mused so I hitched a giggle. “As for what happened with your relatives. Time is passing. You’ve handled it well. With grace. They all can see that. I know it will be difficult but I do believe this continued distance will be better for you. You first moved out here to focus on your skills and clear your head. Right? That has not changed in the years of you walking these halls.”

           “I know…sometimes I still feel guilty is all."

           I decided to think of better things. Like his hands that were turning me to mush.

           “Ever think of,” I sighed outward with little breath in my lungs, “doing this professionally?”

           “As if you’d stand to share my skills,” he replied, palms smoothing down my shoulders and back to my neck. Kneading flesh.

           “Right, the realm would just hog you away from me,” I joked, rolling my eyes while I craned back to see him. Loki quirked up one brow and somehow managed to look even sharper in the face than he already was. The scented oils he’d dabbed on his skin were still crisp. Soft hands squeezed in fluid motions. “I could stand to fall asleep to this.”

           “Dinner first,” Loki spoke pointedly so I sat up. A smirk twitched. He waved his hand to clear the table, effortless, and I smiled when two candlesticks arranged themselves. Flickering. I shifted and Loki moved from me to retrieve two crystal glasses. “Any preference for wine tonight?”

           “No, I trust you.” I stood to remove my robes fully and smoothed out my dress, pausing to fix my curls in the mirror. “I wish I dressed up for this properly.”

           “Unnecessary, we’re enjoying a relaxing night this evening. We both worked hard today. Come sit down, you look lovely.” Loki pulled out my chair like a perfect prince and I slipped back into it, allowing him to push me in.

           “I like this aloof mood you’re in today,” I crossed my arms and nodded before he poured two glasses of wine. A honeyed white. Relaxing, I corrected myself.  “I like where we are today. Together. Comfortable.”

           “Intimate,” Loki added and I grinned at that.

           “Yes.” I paused. “I like going out with you but these nights in after such a long day are…” My tone trailed off when the fresh candlelight caught his face before I exhaled and shrugged. No answer would suffice. A knock ripped me from my daze while I stared up at Loki’s shoulders.

           “Bring it in.” An attendant wheeled covered dishes inside with a bow. “Perfect, I will serve it. That will be all. Thank you, Osmund.”

           “Thank you, sir,” I offered and the man smiled at me before going. Loki locked his door and I inhaled. “It smells amazing…and is that my favorite dessert I’m picking up?”

           “I certainly didn’t request that specifically,” Loki flashed his teeth. He set a plate in front of me and his shifted across the way. A bigger smile crossed and I clasped my hands when he peered at me and tucked some hair behind my ear. “A toast. To us. Right where we're supposed to be.”

           Loki picked up his glass, sliding into his seat so I followed with a nod. Glasses clinked before we drank and Loki picked up his knife and fork.

           “I’m very impressed.” I sat straighter and fixed a napkin into my lap. “A candlelit dinner, all we need is…” Loki flicked his hand and the stained glass doors opened to let air in. “…moonlight.” The stars twinkled and I licked my lips before turning back to see him. Alight with pride. “Did a lot of planning go into this or are you making it up as you go?”

           “Neither, I suppose. Technically, I’ve given thought to these things many years in advance.” Loki paused. “Did you?”

           “Daydream about the things we’d do together? Of course.” I savored the taste of roasted chicken and sipped wine while Loki stared after a moment of thought.

           “And what did we do together?”

           “It’s silly.”

           “No, it is not.” He caught my bashful eyes so I sobered. Fantasy reeling.

           “No, I suppose not,” I agreed. “Long walks along Asgard at night. Just talking. I’d get to hold your hand maybe. You’re not just Loki, romantic prince of Asgard, you’re still every bit my close friend and we finally get to explore an intimacy I’ve never been able to share with another.”

           “I have not either,” Loki picked up his glass and brought it to his lips before I followed.

           “I’ll drink to that as well,” I resumed eating and peered up again. “Can we squeeze in another lesson soon? I know I’m supposed to be relaxing, we can make it something small. Maybe...conjuration?”

           “Not small but that can be arranged,” Loki knew there was no winning with his favorite student. 

           “What was it that really changed your mind when you agreed to teach me magic?” I watched him poke at his food with a thoughtful expression.

           “There were many factors.”

           “Like…?”

           “My trust in you. My isolation with it. A number of things. Curiosity. Your own struggle to find your place. I wanted to assist and I knew it would bring us closer in ways that even sex cannot. That terrified me. You wanted it and me…I coveted that. I know how that sounds, but you must believe this wasn’t merely a shallow greed I had. I was frightened of allowing you in but I didn’t want that holding us back. I loved you and I could not say it. So, I agreed to teach you something else I loved. I hoped the sensations would connect.”

           Pure poetry. We continued eating. Enjoying too many vibrant flavors.

           “We started magic lessons before we began a romantic relationship too,” I finished and pressed my plate aside while Loki poured me a second glass of wine and filled his own. “Did you want to have sex with me at that time as well?” He lifted his brow at that and stood, gently placing his napkin down on the table. Loki picked up a small, covered dish and came behind me to place it down before magic cleared the rest of the plates.

           “Yes,” he replied, “I did. Often.” His hand lifted the silver dome and I smiled. “It’s your favorite, enjoy it.” Baked apples touched my senses and I exhaled when he moved.

           “You’re not having dessert? No honeyed treats you love so much?” I sliced into the crust with my fork and watched the soft apples ooze from it. Glistening sugar that looked obscene.

           “I’m considering it.” Loki was idle when he shifted his chair around the table toward me and sat back down. Something in my chest shuddered out to my fingertips and down my thighs. He picked up his wine and leaned back so I took a bite of dessert and hummed.

           “Delicious,” I took my drink and looked at him. “You made it a point to stand and serve me my meal when you could have used magic for all of it.”

           “Somehow I thought that would be more impressive to you.” Loki drank and leaned forward, setting his glass down before I offered him a bite.

           “Don’t make me enjoy this dessert alone,” I quirked up my brow and Loki chuckled, readying to shake his head before I dropped to a sultry tone. “Come, my prince, take a bite of my apple.” 

           Loki gave a barely audible scoff as he looked into my eyes and took my wrist, shifting forward to take the offered bite. He swallowed and lingered before cupping the back of my head to bring me in for a hard kiss. I tasted the sugar and wine from his lips, felt him exhale against me while his hands cupped my face.

           The utensil dropped out of my fingers. My chair skidded forward in a sudden motion that pulled a gasp from my mouth. Loki chuckled, stealing a second kiss. Deeper than the first. Parting, he exhaled and touched his lips briefly before picking his wine back up. Nervous laughter shook me.

           “After the years of our relationship, you still have this distinct, fluttered look in your big eyes when I kiss you. Something I know that no other has ever seen. The first time we made love, I held you and prayed that you’d never stop.”

           “There are plenty of things in me I’ve only allowed you to see.” I forced myself to stare away from him and took another bite of dessert. Loki’s hand was on my knee, fingers inching around fabric as we spoke. “I see pieces of you…that you don’t normally display in public. Openly, that is.”

           “I would enjoy an opportunity to show you even more in length.” He’d shifted the fabric up just enough to touch my knee. My palms went flat on the table. Spine straight. I watched Loki’s face, eyes direct and lips parted before I sighed. A rare tint across his cheeks.

           “All this romance tonight?” My chuckle was breathless, his fingers rubbed along my knee and up under skirts. Cool on hot skin.

           “You act as if I’m up to something.” He propped his elbow up on the table and set his jaw on his palm, watching me closer. Fingers inched. “I find it thrilling…”

           “Romance?” I cocked my head.

           “Pleasing you.” Loki offered, eyes scanning. The tone got lower. Almost menacing. “You smile and laugh…and sigh with eyelashes all aflutter. And you moan so pretty for me.”

           “You’re skilled…at pleasing...” My brain melted at this point. Dumb as rocks because of teasing touches that struck my core. I trailed off when Loki’s fingers pressed slightly into my thigh, kneading the skin.

           “It brings me great pleasure knowing you allow me to pleasure you in turn,” Loki’s fingertips were dancing on my flesh, prepared to scald. He scooted closer only when my thighs slid further apart in response. I wiggled to face him. Legs quivered because he was so close. He admired me as if I were a flower opening.

           “So you enjoy making me squirm?” I joked and Loki shrugged, drawing one finger up my tender skin. Stopping before flimsy fabric he could tear in one motion.

           “I know what I am good at but I am still exploring what you enjoy most. Years later. I find that to be one of the best parts. For example…” Loki came forward and took my hand to kiss my knuckle. “Do you enjoy it when I kiss you here?” He leaned in to peck my throat. A sound edged up. “Or do you enjoy this better?” His hand was bunching up my skirts now, head lowering and I shuddered. “Perhaps, this is more…to your liking?”

           Loki’s lips had barely touched my knee before I jerked involuntarily, hurriedly cupping his chin to bring him back up.

           “Loki, I…” I searched his face when he appeared worried he’d ruined this. I tried to think straight. Tried to breathe. Tried to pretend his voice didn't ruin another pair of panties. “Sorry.” I reclined and he took his hands off me.

           “I just thought-”

           “It’s different from sex.”

           “It’s merely another branch sex,” Loki corrected as I fisted my skirts in my lap. “I want to spend time pleasuring you. For dessert.” 

           All the smut books I’ve read never covered men like this.

           “What about you?” I mumbled and he chuckled.

           “It’s for me as well.” Loki shook his head. “Why does this act make you so shaken? I’ve done it to you before. Frequently.”

           “In passing before sex while we’re both so heated…not just exclusively for an extended period.”

           “Do you like my mouth between your legs?” Loki asked, leaning toward me. “I fantasized as well you know. I dreamed of moments I could settle you against the bed and play with you.” His words were pure heat and I felt them searing my soul. Angled to face him, I touched his jaw and watched him inhale with a sharp breath. Undone at my caresses. 

           “It’s almost…too intimate,” I confessed.

           “That’s the idea,” he smirked. “It’ll be no different than when I’ve done it in the heat of the moment. Just…longer. Until you're good and finished.”

           Loki’s fingers had slid along my collar, slipping my dress open. I let myself get lost again.

           “I’ll get to linger and be lazy while you twist and breathe out pleas only permitted for me. Let me warm you up, darling.” Consenting, I nodded. Loki came to kiss my neck, down my collar again until my chest shuddered. Two fingers came up to slip into my dress, pulling fabric down low enough to just barely expose me. Loki was all tongue and teeth between my breasts. Hands cupping the back of my neck when I tipped my head back. “I’ll go slow and if I cause you discomfort, we’ll stop. I'll do whatever you like because I live to serve you.”

           Always playing up theatrics. He came up to see my face, my fingers curled into his collar to bring him in for a lingering kiss.

           “Do…Do I have to take off all my clothing?”

           “No,” Loki chuckled. “That’s the beautiful thing about foreplay, my dear. We go at our own pace. With all the rushing around, I haven’t gotten to take care of you in a beat. Let me make up for lost time.”

           “Can you dim the lights more?” I asked after hesitating and he followed through without question. Loki slipped his hands around my lower back and brought me up with him, pressing kisses to my neck while I settled my hands around his shoulders. I giggled as he teased and fell back into bed with my legs hanging off the side. Loki watched me sit up while his hands slipped up the sides of my thighs, bunching my skirts. I closed my legs and he looked up, fingers hooked around my underwear. 

           “May I have my dessert now, sweetheart?” Loki quirked his brow and I paused mid-exhale, unable to speak so I nodded. He pulled me to the very edge of the bed and tugged my underwear off, tossing it aside. “You’re free to lie back for me.”

           “I want to watch you,” I murmured, my words caused him to still briefly. Loki watched me with a captivating expression but didn’t move so I pulled my skirts up further for him, leaning forward to plant one kiss on his lips. His hands were on the back of my neck so he could draw it out, opening my mouth. Teeth nipped at my bottom lip and I felt one hand slide down to squeeze my breast.

           “Mm, do you...like the way I taste?” I uttered and felt Loki smile against me before he looked back at my eyes, his other hand palmed up my thigh.

           “Wider,” he purred, kissing me again while I grasped at my skirts. The second my legs obliged, he slipped one finger inside me. My spine curved in response when he took a moment to rub before pulling out so I grabbed for his shoulder to come in for more kisses. Needy. Wanting release.

           Loki was amused but reclined only to slip his wet finger into his mouth, suckling while I watched. Divine prince already drunk off me.

           “I love the way you taste,” came his reply before lips opened against mine. Skillful fingers made quick work of opening the top of my dress further, his nose trailed down my neck while he inhaled my perfume and kissed my chest. I shuddered when both hands ran under my dress, grasping my hips to position me before his mouth dropped down to my knee.

            I sighed and braced my hands back on the bed, head tipping to savor this moment.

           “By the nine, that amber perfume on your skin makes this all so real,” Loki chuckled, breaths ghosting up my warm thighs. “I thought so often of you. How you felt. What I’d get to do to you. I'm still overcome with it to this day.”

           “When? When do you think of me?” I felt his words alone pulsing between my legs, arousing me further. Loki dug his teeth into my thigh, pressing his palms down to keep them wide apart as he sucked on my skin to leave marks. I quivered when his thumb traced the curve of my folds while he looked at me fondly, not letting himself go further. He spoke with ease to rile me up.

           “Daily. When you were near, I fantasized about telling you how I felt. I’d pray in my head…if she’d only just kiss me…” Loki pressed his cool cheek to my flesh and I sunk my fingers into his hair. “If she’d only look back at me. If she only loved me in return.”

           I sniffled and tried not to get emotional when his eyes peered up at me. All of Loki's fears once lined up with mine as he went on.

           “When I watched you leave from our lessons or the training grounds…I did with so much regret. I let another day pass without telling you how I felt. I let you slip through my fingers because I was too frightened to tell you that I’ve loved you for most of my life. And so…in those moments, I had my fantasies. We’d start a lesson alone in the library where we spent so many days together…you’d let me take you into my arms...”

           Loki’s fingers were rubbing just so, spreading me open before he moaned out at the sight.

           “...I’d slide my hand into your dress and I’d taste every part of you I’d dreamed to caress for so many years.” Loki kissed barely above my clit for a lingering moment, opening his lips to slide his tongue down and cup the bundle. Every ache in my body throbbed at once for relief. Relief he'd grant. My fingers grew tight into locks of black hair. Unable to let go. He placed light kisses all over me, licking all the way up and down after to feel me twitch all over.

           “I did love you,” I puffed to confess and Loki moaned out like I’d stated the magic words before closing his mouth around my clit to suckle it. His tongue swirled, the tip nudged under the little hood and I gasped a high-pitched sound in return. Slick against his lips.

           “Oh, yes, my thoughts so often lingered on you,” Loki went on between kisses. “Once you sat by the pond under the shade of a tree while the rest of us swam in the sun that afternoon. You’d reclined with a novel in your hands and a light smile upon your lips. Wind kissed your body and I envied it. You lied in the grass, so contented and at ease while your fingers danced in idle motions to smooth out the dress you had on..."

           The day in the shade felt to far away.

           "...I wondered…” Loki slipped two fingers inside without a thought to give me a deep rub. Working me. Building me up. “I wondered about the way you’d touch yourself. If your thoughts ever drew to me.”

           My lips parted to heave. Unable to answer properly. I would have let him do whatever at that point. Succumbed to pleasure. Loki smirked, pumping his fingers with similar fervor. Loving how badly I needed it. Needed to be touched and fucked right this second. My hips almost lifted off the bed to meet them. 

           “I longed to know if you ever pretended it was me…touching you…working your body into perfect arches.”

           "Fuck, Loki," I felt myself tighten around his fingers before he slipped them out to put his face between my legs. A cry was yanked. “I did!”

           Loki was eating me at his leisure without a worry or a care in this realm. Coaxing every breath out. Thrilled that I'd become a wanting, little mess for his tongue. That silver-tongue that stole the sinful truth from my lips.

           “After our first lesson, I lied in bed and pleasured myself." Hips rocked to feel more. "I could still feel your magic in the air around me with my own. Feel you behind me…positioning my body into the right stance. Uttering notes into my ears. I was…intoxicated. I felt our energy swirl together. I felt my entire body unwind at your call-Ah, Loki. More!”

           “Go on,” he came up, eyes clouded with lust. Idly, he cupped his cock through his pants and rubbed before hurrying to taste me. Lazy to torment me. His free hand slipped into my dress. Worshiped. Tried to push me on my back but I pressed to stay put.

           “I wanted to let you inside me so bad after we started lessons. Let you see me so we could unfurl. I wanted to be with you, Loki. I knew from our first lesson. We danced for so many years and I hoped…I wished…” Unable to continue, I closed my eyes to moan as Loki pleasured me. Coaxing fingers gliding along his skull and tangling with soft locks.

           He gripped behind my knees and didn’t stop, stroking and suckling my clit only to slow when I caressed the side of his face with my knuckles. Loki allowed me to cup my hand under his chin while he glanced up to see me enjoying his mouth. Exhales cast out his nose. A moan vibrated from him. I held his jaw in my hand, thumb tracing circles into his flesh to assure him what he was doing was so right. So good.

           “Lie back, let me make you come,” Loki urged with slick, pink lips. My hand slipped back up into his hair while I fell against the mattress, sinking. Breasts heaved when Loki’s fingers were inside again to work me. 

           “I wanted to be with you,” I continued instead. “I wondered if I made you feel as good…ah…as you made me feel. I worried so. How is it we both were so frightened to not be enough when our relationship had all it already needed? You are my friend. My first love.” I bit my lip and grabbed at fabric above my head. Loki’s free hand smoothed up over my pelvis to hold it down. “But, we’re here now. We get to live out these fantasies as realities. Isn’t that beautiful?”

           “You’re beautiful.” Loki’s breath was lost with mine. I felt his fingers thrust. Curved as his lips pressed and prodded. Obscene suckles and licks. Shameless. My eyes fluttered. Shut tight.

           “Loki, make me come,” I begged, heaving for any air I could get. He tortured my bud with his moans. Held me in place. Ate me rough and sweet. He didn’t worry about putting on a show and lapped in a way that was dirty. My face heated at his play. The prince’s head bowed so low between my legs, making a mess of me. My heart dipped and whirled around. I clawed at sheets and rocked with him. 

           “Don’t stop.” The pleas were heard and he slipped one hand around my thigh and down to join his lips against my clit. He pulled the hood away from the stiff bundle and rubbed while the sensations sent me upward and over my peak.

            His name broke out my lips. A curse followed it. Then a whine. Spine bending as my heart thudded. Limbs turned to steel then jelly all at once. Loki slowed to draw it out and a tear slipped from the corner of my eyes until he relented. He came up to see me, still climaxing in little shudders. Drunk off him and the euphoria he cast over my bones. Loki was pulling his cock from his pants to finish himself off at the sight of my body in this bowed state. 

           Seed splattered my filthy thighs. Loki tipped over me for a kiss. Almost bragging about what he'd done to me with it.

           “I think I’ve figured what you prefer,” Loki’s breath tickled as we chuckled together.

           His hand skimmed down to cup my breast. Just to feel me twitch and lock. Body sparking. I hissed with sensitivity while he lazily rolled my nipple between two fingers and took it into his mouth. Gentle kisses brought me from the haze.

           “Although, I’m certain further studies are necessary. It could take eons.” He kissed my jaw. Stole my mouth again. Hushed.

           “I think we both could benefit from such studies.” I tucked some hair behind his ear and searched his eyes, feeling the emotional connection between us burn white-hot. My arms looped around his neck to bring him back down against my messy body. Dress bunched up and opened. Loki got comfortable along my form with his head dipping low to rest in my neck. He caressed my jaw and nudged into me. Trailed more feathery kisses until I sighed. Bliss. “I love you.” I felt him hold me tighter in response. “I love you past the boundaries of our reality.”

           “I love you, sweetheart, so much.” Loki sighed and his eyelashes fluttered along my neck.

           “I’m happy,” he confessed in a thicker tone, “I'm just…contented with our reality as well and what will come beyond it.” His hand trailed against my jaw so I cupped it in my palm, closing my eyes to savor these moments.

           Before the morning sun could wash them later. My voice drew to an airy whisper between upturned lips.

           “So am I, Loki.”

Chapter Text

      “Get down!”

      Sif’s warning bellow caused me to duck immediately when an explosion rang overhead, charred tree branches raining down. I couldn’t see where she went as smoke filled the area and I raced another direction. The forest seemed to scream and crackle apart.

      As predicted, the battle came. Heimdall warned us of the invaders. Traffickers separated into different groups. Covering too much ground. Scurrying like rats because their operation had been found out. War and liberation joined hands.

      Cannons blasted upon villages. Warriors charged to clash. I could hear blades dancing as I ran alone through the trees when the sky dimmed low, my heart pumping quickly. Hands sore from prying at ropes and locks. Pushing survivors to safety. Magic scorching. 

      Pausing by a tree, I tightened my grip on the blade in my hand as magic flickered around my opposite one in warning. As I stepped forward, two figures moved out of the shadows, both masked and covered in armor, spikes along their frames. Fury swelled to char my bones.

      One grunted something I didn’t catch before the other raised his weapon, a blaster of sorts with a huge barrel that rested on his shoulder. In an instant, I lifted my free hand just as he fired and purple light from my palm lit up the area. Crackled high. His blast backfired on him and we both were tossed aside. Flesh smoked and blood boiled.

      When I stood, one remained and yanked the sword out of his sheath. I raced toward him and we clashed, the noise around us drowned out. He swung and I blocked before kicking him backward. Sparks erupted from my hand and his head tossed back when he screamed, the helmet flying off his head. Lunging forward, I stabbed my blade through his eye socket, the yell abruptly cutting off.

      “Damn it.” Grunting, I yanked back and took cover when another explosion shook the ground. Strong weapons. Shit fighters. Frenzied. I wiped some blood from my temple on my sleeve and turned. Another smaller figure stood a few feet away. A frail man, much older than I with simpler clothing and a long cloak. Seemed to be observing me.

      “A witch,” he noted, “I haven’t met one in a long while. Pity.” 

      “They have sorcerers?” My blade hand twitched so I took a defensive stance. Stance opening.

      “Just me. I can practically smell the runes in your body. Rain on the wind. They will not protect you from all, girl.” 

       Alert, I didn’t respond while he came forward. His bare hands were thickened with old burn scars. Chest covered in blood that seeped from a deep wound. He is dying, I realized. A limp in his step. A wheeze out his lungs.

       “Ah, yes,” he smiled with dark red coating broken teeth. “You’ll be my last experiment. So many of them died like dogs under my play. No fun at all.” I sidestepped carefully so he went on. “Do I frighten you, little witch?”

        “No,” my jaw tightened as we circled each other. I glanced down at his hands again, so covered in burns. Excessive failed experimenting, I decided, the pursuit of knowledge and power. This shaken, crazed older man. Was I looking into Loki’s possible future? Or mine? Lost to this power that infected so many no matter the good soul that wielded it.

         “I will perish soon. But first, I have something for you. The effects are...unlike anything. You could increase. Enjoy the other side of the veil, little witch bitch.” Even in his state, the old man moved about as fast as Loki. Barely having any time to react, my blade surged out to greet his chest, easing into the skin almost tenderly. 

         Frozen, I watched the man smile. Like he wanted me to do it. 

         He choked, blood splattered my arm when one of his hands latched onto my wrist, not allowing me to pull away. I gritted my teeth, struggling to yank back when he brought his other hand up, something clenched in his palm. My senses scrambled, I tried to escape.

         With his last breath, he blew black powder in my face and I gasped unconsciously, inhaling it right as I brought my leg up and kicked him roughly away. The lithe body went limp. Dropping my weapon, I scrambled backward and fell against the dirt with a nasty cough. Sputtering. My tongue grew bitter and I knew the black, ashy substance had filled my lungs. Confusion had me frantically trying to swipe it away.

         When I opened my mouth to call out, my chest tightened painfully and my lungs began to burn white-hot. No sound came. Vision blown out. Something snapped. I thought my joints had all popped out. Body jerking so hard, I smacked back into a tree with a sickening crack, gasping out for my next breath. The sensation ravaged me utterly.

         Flames licked at my lungs and spread throughout my body until tears sprang into my eyes. Breathe. My heels dug into the dirt as I practically clawed at my chest, fingernails cutting into skin when the sharp pain became so great, I couldn’t breathe. Falling against the dirt, all the noise around me became so far away and I realized finally that I was screaming. 

         Every breath I took caused searing pain to spread down my body. World distant. I tasted metal. Practically convulsing, I would have pried open my rib cage to breathe right. Everything felt like it was being squeezed and shredded. Eyes saw smoke and fire above me. Closing in. Blocking my view of the stars. 

         I’m going to die. 

         I thought of Fandral’s smile. Thor’s battle cry. I thought of Volstagg’s family and the rare occasions when Hogun’s face lit up. I thought of Sif and how the crowds always spread when she passed and how barely any warrior could match her. Then, I thought of Frigga and her all-knowing gaze but the world around me blurred and gods it hurt so much. I would die and I was screaming. A banshee's call. A siren's echo. A death rattle.

         Through my hysterics, I felt someone grabbing at my wrists and tugging them from my bloodied skin. I blinked through the haze. Tried to focus. Hogun speaking quickly with Sif and another shield maiden, I couldn’t make anything out. Hogun’s grasp on my wrists kept me from tearing back into my skin.

         Sif knelt down after they sent the shield maiden off. She was talking to me. No words processed through my brain that was on fire. My eyes slid closed but she jostled me awake roughly and shouted something at my face. I gazed up at her expression and realized she looked horrified. Colors whirled. World distorting.

         I saw into the shadows around me. Eyes darting. So many figures and hands reaching out. Clawing to pull me in. Another scream howled. 

         I’m going to die. 

         I thought of my mother and those rare moments when she put herself between me and the awful man I was supposed to call father. Those moments that gave me hope that she was still my mother. I wanted my mother. I wanted those moments that proved the mother I missed wasn’t just a figment of my imagination. Blood dripped from my lips. My eyes tried to close once more before Sif slapped me with just enough force, my face snapping to the side and I jolted back.

         “Stay awake!” Her voice flooded the world around me and fear gripped at my heart before a sob fell from my lips. “Let’s get her out of here, we can’t wait longer.” Hogun was picking me up and my head lulled forward, loose hair from my braid fell into my face. As they started off, I caught sight of the sorcerer, lying dead at the foot of a tree and my arm shot out, pointing before Sif paused. Realizing what I meant, she neared him as Hogun spoke.

         “A master of magic. The royals may know what to do,” he watched me point, my entire body shaking as tears leaked out my eyes. My throat swelled. Heart jabbed with needles. Sif reached for the man’s arm, his hand covered in the black residue. I scrambled out of Hogun’s grasp, legs barely working before I abruptly pushed Sif away with what strength I had. I fell between her and the sorcerer, coughing harshly. She grasped my shoulder.

        “No…” I managed to croak, my throat too raw to say wait. Stop. Don’t.

        “We need to get you to the healing room,” she tugged at me but I stopped her, “we’ll figure this out there! We must go!” Desperately, I pointed to the leather pouch on the dead sorcerer’s hip before I mimed what he did with my hand.

        They needed to know what did this to me and they needed to be sure it never happened to anyone else. Sif’s eyes went wide and she nodded.

        “Hogun, help me collect this, carefully.” 

        “We’ll burn the body.” Another warrior added, arriving to the scene. “Take her.” 

        Without touching the bag, they wrapped it up and set it in a larger sack before Hogun quickly picked me up again. Rushing. Trying to save me.

        And I was waiting for death. Cool hands that reached out from dark shadows. Willing me to join them in a safe place. I wondered briefly if my father was there waiting for me. The name I had with no face.

        Finally, I thought of Loki and how I should have told him the truth about how I felt ages before I did. I would have had more time to map out his skin and memorize the pacing of his heart. I thought of his hands. The ones that both created magic and destroyed enemies. The ones I wanted in my hair when he stole tender kisses. I would have given anything for that insufferable gaze one last time. The darkness tugged at me again and this time it won.

        The pain didn’t end in sleep. I dreamed of broken glass and hellfire. Hands around my throat. Souls screeching and screaming before my face. Purple eyes. Red eyes. Those hands again. Yanking me apart. Sewing me together. I wailed for them to just let me go. Light blinded. Burnt.

         The ground came apart. Rocks crashing to the surface. Monsters welling up from the fires. I saw the world ending with a giant cloud moving over it. Glowing eyes from the smoke opening up. Consuming it all. A silver speck like a star charged toward me and then nothing.

         Awaking to the light dancing before my eyes, I blinked and regretted it. Aches ruptured down my body. It wasn’t supposed to hurt anymore. Maybe, I was in Hel. I had to close my eyes again. The hard surface under me warmed. Glowed around my silhouette. I couldn’t adjust to the lights around me. Disoriented, I shifted before I heard a gasp and someone else said my name. 

         Loki? Was he dead as well? Before I could move, different pairs of hands touched me when I opened my eyes again. A shadow loomed over my face before I felt a palm on my cheek. The hands I so hoped to feel again.

         “Breathe,” he said as I furrowed my brow before Loki's expression came into view. I’m alive. His hair was tousled and his eyes looked red-rimmed but he appeared alright after the battle with scuffs of dirt and cuts along his skin. A wound in his shoulder that was still bloodied. I wanted to ask if everyone else was safe and if the battle was over but I realized I was breathing sporadically.

         “Calm yourself, dear,” another voice soothed. I tilted my head to see Frigga, working with other healers. The King himself was standing at the foot of the table I was on as Frigga turned to him to speak quietly. The soul forge, I noticed finally. Specs of light moved above. Almost peaceful.

         Moira was hovering, trying to give me a tonic I couldn't swallow. Eir filled a massive needle instead and I screamed when it plunged into my chest. 

         Breath rushed into gritty lungs. Felt like I was drowning still. My head turned to cough and puke up phlegm that had to be wiped aside. Ugly wheezes rippling from me. Blinking, I looked at Loki once more, the world still hazy. Half gone.

         “Loki…” I rasped and he nodded.

         “I am here. Let us work.” Loki wiped a tear that fell from the corner of my eye.

         “It hurts. I can’t…” I gasped, my body shaken and sweaty as hair tangled around my head. I badly wanted to go to sleep again. Everyone around Loki was talking and I had to focus hard to hold onto each syllable when he spoke.

         “We cannot give you anything else unless we figure what it is first,” his cold hand touched my forehead and I gave a slight breath of relief. “Mother, she has a fever,” Loki warned as Frigga worked. 

         Whatever happened to me, it must have been bad for both the King and Queen to be in here. I had to be dying. Sharp pains filtering up my chest made it hard to breathe still and my eyes rolled back. “No, no, stay here.” My prince was holding my face, one hand surging into my hair to cradle the back of my head. “Stay right here…with me.”

         “Have to…tell you,” I forced out as Loki searched my face. “That man…don’t be like him.” I was sputtering things and Loki appeared confused before he hushed me. 

         White-hot fire exploded in my chest before I arched from the hard surface and screamed again, startling everyone in the room. Magic tremored. Curled out and shattered glass doors and windows. My head pounded. Struggling, I kicked and wailed, not stopping when Loki shouted my name. Fingers began to claw at my chest and neck again before the healers held me down. Frigga came to me, her rosy lights eased over my limbs. Seeming to hold my magic in. Fettering me.

         “We have to put her to rest,” Moira was trembling while I writhed, fingers dug into my skin.

         “What if she doesn’t wake?” Loki looked at Frigga, panicked. I tasted metal again before a cough forced blood to spurt from my lips. Bubbling to choke me. I thought my lung would come up with it.

         “She will wake,” Odin paced over and set one hand on my head. “We need her to get through this first.”

         “Father-”

         “Have faith in all of us, Loki,” Frigga quieted her son and Loki sniffled, gazing down at me with desperate eyes before he bent over, his lips touched my ear.

         “Come back to me,” he begged. “You have to come back to me.” Loki stood straighter, one hand shook before it caressed my cheek and I wanted to touch his face but the healers were still holding my limbs down. 

         “Do it,” he glanced up at his father and nodded. I wanted to say I love you and tell him not to worry but only breathed heavily as I watched Loki when he looked down at me. Odin’s hand felt heavy on my head before a blinding white light engulfed me as I slipped away. No pain followed this time. Just my lingering wishes.

          I’ll find you, Loki.

** ** **

         Waking again, I was too weak to prop myself up in the bed. Lights that reminded me of the soul forge moved peacefully above to monitor so I exhaled. Tried to just breathe normal, those haunting wheezes still filtering out. 

         Tilting my head, I glanced down and saw Loki, fast asleep with his arms crossed over the bed. Relief filled me. I stared at the ceiling a moment, the sharp pains in my body now just dull aches. A stale fruit taste lingered in my parched mouth. Bone dry. 

         I’m still alive. Hot and shaky, I let out another calm breath before looking back at Loki as he breathed softer, his fingers idly clutching to my arm. I slipped out of his grasp and settled my hand on his head, noticing now that both of my hands were covered with little bags that were tied around my wrists. He stirred as I smoothed his hair back before shifting.

         “Hmm?” Loki inhaled sharp and opened his eyes, shooting up suddenly when he caught sight of me. This moment of pure relief crossed his eyes and they watered before he sniffed and got ahold of himself. “About damn time, you’re rarely ever this late,” he quipped, the next breath trembled. Hurried kisses peppered my temple.

         “I have…my moments,” I exhaled, the voice hoarse and tired. I didn’t even sound like me.

         “Stay awake long enough for me to get you some water,” Loki was already moving into an attached bathroom before he came back in record time.

         “What happened?” I fussed so he slid a hand under my head.

         “Drink first,” he coaxed and I did so greedily, the cold water felt amazing in truth. Loki set the glass aside before he touched my forehead. “Still feverish, I don’t expect it to pass swiftly either. We’ve never seen such a sickness before.” I lifted my hands before flickering my gaze to him.

         “Why are there mittens tied to me?” I asked, almost amused, and he sat at my bedside, taking my wrist to untie one.

         “When they found you, you were well on your way to tearing a path to your heart. We healed the scratches and as we got you to the soul forge, you kept trying to do it again in your state.” Loki tossed the little sacks onto the bedside table. “Almost ripped your own damn throat out too.”

         “…What’s happening to me?” I croaked and Loki’s gaze shifted away from mine for a split second.

         “Truthfully, I am not entirely sure,” he frowned. “They studied the composition of what you were attacked with and healed you, yet here you are stricken with fever. They believe the worst of it has passed but we need your damn fever to break. That substance you inhaled set off a vicious attack on your systems as almost every ingredient in it was used for ravaging one’s health, I cannot begin to describe what he must have gone through to create it.”

         “Is everyone else well?”

         “Asgard is safe once more and you’re the last warrior in the healing room. We think we liberated everyone and a facility was set up to get them well again. Elisif left to go oversee it with a few healers. Heimdall has not reported any further enemies in the area the last few days,” he replied and I let out a slight groan. “Give it time.”

         “I just…don’t want you to give more of yours to this.”

         “Nonsense, if this is where I am needed, I can accept that.” He tilted his head at me. “You’ve been awake for all of five minutes and you already think of yourself as a burden.”

         “I was hoping to not be with fever if I awoke.”

         “If you awoke?” Loki repeated and I looked elsewhere when he tensed. “Did you believe you would not wake?”

         “Truth be told, I didn’t think I’d make it to the healing room.” I winced at the thought of my body writhing in agony before I forced my gaze back up to Loki. His face twitched when his expression went unreadable as he blinked and went on.

         “Yes, well, you were wrong and I expect you to make it much farther.” He glanced down at my hand before I slid mine over his. Hesitantly, Loki took it and relaxed, exhaling. “How is it you feel now?”

         “Loki,” I changed the tone and didn't answer, “am I dying?”

         “No,” he promised with light kisses upon my knuckle, “you’re going to be alright. We’ll beat this.” Fingers sunk into my hair, moving it back. “You’ll heal and you’ll be back on those training grounds with the rest of us before you know it.”

         Something told me I’d never be at my full strength again.

         Lips pressed, I let him pamper me in quiet affection. Didn’t shed or share my fears. 

         Every healer that came in though, I saw it in their eyes.

         The harsh reality that I might be slipping away.

        Many visited as I fell in and out of sleep over the next few days. Loki was almost always nearby, despite my attempts to get him to go take care of other things. He kept saying this was more important. 

         My fever was most frustrating. It would seemingly improve but slip back into a worse state later. Despite all the tonics pushed down my throat by Moira, I began to sleep longer and hold less food down. Loki would help me bathe but my body would be clammy and shaken the next day. Worst day was when I wet myself like a damn child. Shrilling to be left alone as they tried to help me. All of them holding their deepest fears back. It was killing me inside. 

         Despite the horrid fever, I had a bigger problem developing.

         “Fandral wishes to visit after dinner,” Loki moved the empty tray from my bed. Glazed dark eyes peered elsewhere. Not processing. Idle fingers fixed my nightgown that slipped from one shoulder.

         "Fandral," I sounded out. Searching. Disoriented, I blinked at him a moment.

         “Are you well enough for that?” Loki went on and I remembered. Fandral. Yes. My best friend since childhood. Why did that take so long to process?  He stared at my expression before continuing. “State your name and where you are.”

         “Why?” I was propped up against the headboard.

         “Now,” Loki ordered and I did so carefully before he nodded and moved to touch my forehead, hands so cool against my skin. “I want you to do that frequently, not just for yourself but for other companions or memories. Anything.”

         The fever was messing with my mind. This world slowed to a lull.

         “The after-effects of the attack may be worse than we originally thought,” he spoke before catching himself upon seeing the way my face changed.

         “Loki,” my eyes filled with tears and he shook his head quicker.

         “No, no, I did not intend for you to…” he brushed some hair from my face and hushed me before I sniffled. “Calm yourself, you may not be able to hold the food down that you just ate. Please, do not upset-”

         “Oh…” I swallowed, arms slid around my stomach. “Too late…” One hand covered my mouth as my throat felt tight when nausea swept. Prickling too high. 

         Loki was pressing a round container into my hands before I gagged and everything piled up from my stomach. Tears leaking as my throat burnt. Muscles jerking in painful rhythm. I coughed up the rest. Disgusting hacks that must have had healers in the other room wincing.

         Mouth dry and stale. Feverish. Vision blurred. Weak and wheezy. I felt like I might be rotting from the inside out. Like my body was eating itself.

         “I am here.” Loki held hair out of the way as I finished up, crying softly. Turning after he wiped my mouth on a damp cloth. Doing everything perfectly as he tended to me.

         Anger flared. He pulled the bin away and when he offered me a goblet of water, I smacked it out of his hand and sent it to the floor.

         “Why are you even bothering with me!” I shrilled as if I didn’t even know him. For a second, maybe I didn’t. We blinked at each other and it came back.

         Loki. This is Loki. I love him and he loves me. I felt disgusting and tired. So tired. Fading away in rot. My head pounded and Loki appeared unfazed, merely waving his hand to fix the mess and get me a new goblet.

         “I’m sorry,” I breathed, setting my face in my hands. I wanted to rip my hair out. Escape my skin. Increase and feel powerful again. Loki was being so patient and so gentle with me while he simply set a hand on my back. Fingers skimmed the length of my spine. I caved and leaned toward him, allowing him to embrace me. Safe in Loki’s arms, I closed my eyes a moment when tears leaked from them again. 

         “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what’s happening to me.” I hate who I am right now. I’m so sorry. I love you. I love you. I love you. I’m trying to hold onto you.

         “Hush,” he set his chin on my head and touched my hair. “I know. Do not apologize to me.” Loki squeezed me. And he was terrified. After a long moment, I sniffed and Loki moved to bring me water so I could wash out my mouth.

         “Thank you…” I spoke quieter, finally looking up at him with dark circles under my eyes. No color or life in my expression.

         “Are you in pain?”

         “A little sore… Mostly tired.” I lied.

         "Let me report to the healers out there," Loki tucked me into the bed with misting eyes.

         “I don’t…want to fall asleep, what if I-?”

         “You don’t have to sleep yet, I’ll be right back. I promise.”

         “I love you,” I felt compelled to say suddenly and he paused at the door.

         “I love you as well,” Loki left and I stared up at the ceiling. Mind seeming to go blank as I relaxed against the pillows. My head spun. Tried to echo through all the rights and wrongs in my life. They appeared to be blinking. In and out.

         "I'm a warrior of Asgard," I hushed to myself as the stars twinkled, "I serve King Odin and Queen Frigga. I will serve Prince Thor when he ascends. I'm in love with Prince Loki. I'm a witch. A budding sorceress. I have a family. I built it. I... I am a warrior of Asgard. I serve..." A breath shuddered. The syllables seemed farther than the realms beyond us.

         The door opened and I lifted my head. What was I again?

         “…I’ve missed you,” I spoke softer and Loki stopped. “You haven’t been in to see me today.” 

         His entire expression fell.

         “I was only gone a few minutes,” Loki's gaze narrowed and before I could speak, someone appeared behind him. What room was this again? My…my home… Do I have one? No, that's not right.

         The second face came in to speak with a bright smile.

         “Thought I would visit, Fandral is on the way with Sif. Moira left to research cures in another town, she might have a lead. How are you?”

         I furrowed my brow when his name didn’t register.

         “Fine…” I paused, eyes sliding along golden hair and sun-kissed skin. “Who are you?” Loki’s eyes went wide like saucers. Too pale and grey in the face for words.

         “Is she well?” The man glanced at Loki when he stepped toward me.

         “What is his name, do you remember?” He seemed agitated and I shrunk away a little.

         “…Are you mad at me?” I whispered in a small voice.

         “Do you remember him?” Loki insisted and I shook my head, searching my brain for memories but everything was so hazy and what was his name again? “Thor. His name is Thor. He's a friend. What is your name and where are you?”

         “I’m… In Asgard… The healing room.” Eyes darted around in my haze. Body heating. “My name…” Everyone has a name, I should know mine.

         “Mother! Eir! Someone! Please, help us!” Loki began shouting. Begging. He stumbled backward and left the room.

        "Don't leave," I'd rasped with fingers extending out. Too weak to rise. The lights shifting above me began to blare red and whirl. 

         Thor peered at me before he approached carefully and smiled a wide grin that was forced. He told me my name and I smiled at him in turn. A childish sort of gentle expression. Mind practically shredding and I was forgetting more things. Important things. They had to be important. I blinked and suddenly my awareness for my surroundings fluttered away once more.

         “Thank you. …Where am I again?”

         “Asgard. Remember, you are in Asgard…” A wounded expression crossed Thor’s face when he glanced away from me.

         “Oh.” Was I sick? Was I dead?

         “I should have protected you,” he muttered before looking again. Wincing. “I cannot ensure the safety of the warriors put in my care when I go into battle. I’ve put ruin to Loki’s happiness. How will I ever ensure the safety of Asgard?”

         I’m a warrior? That was certainly news to me. I tried to remember as I stared down at my hands which must have held weapons but everything slipped away so quickly and less of it came back. Face hot. Eyes threatening to close under weight. Dark waters filling the spaces around me.

         “Maybe…I am just not a good warrior? Am I a good warrior?” Breaths drew slower. 

         “Yes,” Thor took my shoulder, “you are better than good, you’re…burning up…” He looked back at the door before standing to wet a rag with cold water.

         “Loki better hurry.” With a special kind of tenderness that was rare for such a large warrior, Thor placed the rag on my forehead and touched my cheek with his knuckle. “You can beat this, just stay with me. We’re all waiting for you to get better,” he smiled at me again, tried to rouse my spirits that were broken. “I’ve grand stories to share.”

         Beyond the lights above me whirling, I saw the shadows in the corner move. Expand. Close in. 

         “Maybe I’m not meant to get better,” I spoke distantly, “I don’t think…I can stay awake any longer,” my eyelids drew heavier and Thor shook his head. He scooped me up into broad arms. Shaking me as gentle as he could. Cupping my face and trying to focus me. “I’ll just rest for a second. Just a moment and then everything will be fine. Everything is going to be okay.”

         “No… Loki is on his way back and…and Sif and Fandral are coming to visit,” he jostled me still.

         I licked my dry lips, fighting to keep my eyes open. I tried to remember things. A willow tree and a pair of green eyes. The taste of peaches in the early morning sun. And I was still fading away. So far away. Nothing made sense and all I wanted to do was sleep. 

         “Where is Loki!” Thor shouted over the pounding in my brain. "I need healers in here!"

         “Loki?” Delirious, my eyes rolled back. Chest heaving. The black waters drew higher. Hands readied to pull me under and I wasn't fighting.

         “He is on his way back, stay awake,” he urged.

         “I can't,” I wanted to kick the blankets off but couldn’t find the strength to as Thor wiped my brow with the cold rag. Held me close. “Who are those people? Over there in the shadows… They’re coming for me.”

         Eyes slipped shut. I stopped resisting all together. Began to float and flutter. Rocked to distant shores.

         “No,” Thor insisted, trying to shake some life into me. 

         “It’s not bad,” I said with a flickering smile to assure him, “it’s not bad. Maybe I’m safer here.”

         And then I was swallowed whole. Waking somewhere else. 

         Nowhere.

** ** **

         “Loki…it has been two weeks, darling,” Frigga settled a hand on his shoulder.

         “I simply do not want her to wake alone,” he replied, staring down at the colorless body on the bed before he rambled on. “I do not understand, her fever broke a week ago… Why hasn’t she come back to me yet? I should have made her promise…she does not break those.” Loki rubbed his eyes quickly before he slammed his hands down against the armrests. “Damn it, there has to be a detail we missed!”

         “Hush,” the Queen soothed, sitting on the side of the bed to face him. “Loki, we do not know what exactly will come back. After her actions before she fell into this again… It not only affected her physically, but mentally as well. Her memories. Even I’ve never seen such a poison in my travels. We’re reaching out to our sister realms. Every contact we have for answers.”

         “How could we have missed this?” Loki looked up at his mother with a sinking expression and she touched his face. 

         “We’re scouring everything we have for answers, come away for a while with me. Eir has pumped her full of medications and we need to give this some more time. She’s stable. You need to eat and rest… You know that she would want you to care for yourself.”

         “Who will care for her?” Loki insisted. “I…I was not even there when she fell away…” He exhaled, his breath shuddered. “I was not even there when she was hurt. She lay there, clawing open her skin, alone, and believing she would die there. I let that happen!”

         “Loki, this is not your fault. She is here still and she will wake,” Frigga spoke gentler. “We both know her strength, her will. Trust me when I say that it will improve. Have faith, my son.”

         “Faith,” Loki murmured bitterly, averting his gaze. “Don’t you see, Mother? What faith I have left is lying right here.”

         “You know that she would not want you to believe that either,” Frigga snipped. “Come,” the queen was taking his hand and he resisted briefly before standing. Yielding, the prince allowed his mother to show him out after casting one last look to the unmoving body on the bed.

** ** **       

         “Volstagg’s children asked about you, he tried to make me watch over them alone,” Fandral went on to the sleeping woman as lights flickered above her. “Then they tried to cut my perfect golden locks, you would have loved it.” 

         He tried to laugh.

         “Loki is either picking fights with everyone or shutting himself away. Sif is damn near unapproachable…though she’s won every single spar I’ve seen her in. Hogun…well, Hogun is always grim but I’m certain his mood now is due to this… I’ve never seen Hogun that pale…after they found you…. Volstagg takes little joy in meals and drinking now, I imagine he misses pushing new desserts on you. The court ladies have spent the week in silent prayer in the temple…”

         “...The only thing I can really say for Thor is that since you’ve been like this, Asgard’s has been experiencing severe thunderstorms. They sent a letter to your mother but I...I know you don’t want it so I took it. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m not sure if this will stay a secret much longer.” Fandral swallowed the lump in his throat before he shrugged hopelessly. “I…I miss my lady.” 

         The door opened and Loki came in, looking stoic with his hands clasped behind his back.

         “Fandral.”

         “Loki.” He greeted cordially. The prince paced toward the bed and moved his hand through the lights. They twisted and illuminated. Didn't react much.

         “No change here,” his frown deepened when he placed a hand on her head, brushing some limp hair aside with his finger. After a moment of silence, Loki glanced up and let out a sound of agitation. “They forgot the damn flowers again.” He swiped his hand out and a vase of dead stems went crashing into the wall.

         “Loki,” Fandral seethed, not flinching as he stood. “Enough-”

         “She cannot wake to dead flowers!”

         “Enough!” Fandral put up his hands. “My friend, she should not wake to you shouting either,” he watched Loki simmer down at his words. “Let’s go find a replacement, yes? We’ll find her something better in the Queen’s garden.” Loki pinched the bridge of his nose, irritated. “It will take all of five minutes.”

         “Fine,” Loki set his jaw and turned before Fandral followed him out, neither noticing the woman behind them twitch.

         A short trip to the gardens only made Loki wistful. He tried to settle on the walk back.

         “If you tell anyone that we bloody picked flowers together, I’ll-”

         “Cast your worst spell on me, I imagine. As long as you leave my face be,” Fandral replied with a shrug, glancing down at the sunflowers in the vase Loki was holding. “Took you forever to choose between those and the roses.”

         “She enjoys them both,” Loki responded quietly.

         “What sold you on the sunflowers this week?”

         “Nothing.” Loki responded harder. Steel guarding everything around his heart. “I brought her roses last time. The storm ruined most of them so I figured I'd save them.”

         “Hm.” Fandral glanced away to hide his smirk before Loki added quietly.

         “They follow the sun.” He paused, his gaze elsewhere as he remembered the familiar words. “She…appreciates that.”

         “Ah. I see.” Fandral nodded and opened the door before stopping abruptly, his mouth falling open.

         “What?” Loki shoved past and pushed the vase into the Fandral’s arms. “No…” 

         Bed empty. Blankets strewn on the floor with the balcony doors opened. Loki raced outside as Fandral set the vase aside and rushed off to get help. The prince looked over the balcony at the darkening grounds of Asgard and didn’t see her anywhere. Loki heaved before calling out a single name laced in fear and desperation.

         The storm didn't reply.

** ** **

         Rain beat on my skin, bare feet splashing against the mud forming under the grass. Skies dark while I cowered under a tree, the branches doing little to stop the heavy drops. Splashing harsh into my face and hair. Nightgown ruined. Nothing was familiar.

         Shivers licked at flesh. I curled my arms to my chest. Across the way, a group of men and women hastily mounted unruly horses and rode off in different directions. Fearful, I raced further into the thrush, my shift whipping behind me while wet hair stuck to my shoulders. 

         Hiding within a crevice of a hollow tree, I stilled to feel my heart pound. Hard with the rain. A growl cut through air. Glowing eyes came from the trees. Hungry wolf licking its chops. Dripping fangs before it perked and scattered away at the sound of a war cry.

         Steel swung at it. Frightening it away. I cried out in a huddle, observed the weapon there. Sort of double-edge wide spear. The bulky man wielding it came to me. Towered. Seemed to scoff, hitching a smirk at the sight of me looking so helpless.

         “Do you think it brings me joy to see you like this, girl?” He mused, fixing his weapon into his back. “Heard about your departed father. Sorry bastard. I hope you celebrated just a bit. I came to watch you draw the arrow. Felt like the least I could do. Sure you still hate me. Fine and good, I still hate you. My mother’s still puttering around. They gave her a shiny medal last year. Isn’t that funny?”

         Thick beard and leather armor. Muscles flexing. He sucked in and spat crudely against the dirt. I found my little voice.

         “Who are you?”

         The way his smile fell struck me. Quickly it was back.

         “Worse shape than they said.” He laughed outright. “And I can’t even appreciate you being knocked down a few pegs. Wouldn’t wish this on anyone. Maybe my mother. If it were me, I hope you’d find the joy. Sure I deserve it.”

         He twisted to hear the scrambling beyond the trees.

         “Over here, I found her!” Came his call. Too many bodies appeared in response. “Get well, girl, we can go back to our steady hatred. Don’t die. World’s more interesting with prickly bitches in it.”

         “Herlof!” Another charged forth. Snarling and broad. Blond hair. “Back off her.”

         “No thank you for finding your little princess, Prince Thor?” Herlof set his hands on his hips. Didn’t bow. “Toss your brother from the bifrost and claim her, why don’t you? Set fate right. Surely her family would wet themselves over such a thing.”

         Rude chuckles followed him off. Thor came to me. Saw me flinch away in the filth.

         “Please, don’t hurt me,” I begged. Terrified of too many eyes. Unfamiliar as they all were. Frowns echoed.

         “You don’t know me,” Thor’s eyes welled before he sniffled. Thunder crashed and I yelped. Hitting the tree behind me. In an instant, the storm swept off. Cleared so the stars could sparkle. “I’m a friend. Let me help you.” 

         He put a cloak over my shoulders that smelled of crisp pine and campfire.

         “Clear off, the lot of you,” came his puffy order, “I have it from here. Sif, alert the others.” Thor plucked me up into his arms. Secured me close. Mud from my frame dirtied him as he swept me from the chilly grounds. Sif’s chest sank in response. Took strength for her to turn aside and race off. Others shifted back. Watching still. 

         My face buried in Thor’s chest in response. A raspy wheeze filtered out. 

         “What’s my name?” I shuddered, bones unraveling from the cold.

         Thor tried to smile when he gave me one. Syllables that didn’t register. He shooed others back from us, hurrying back toward a mighty palace. Glittering gold monuments in our wake. 

         “Do you recognize any of it?” He asked me, eyes searching. Hoping. And I looked at him deeper before I said.

         “Should I?”

         Faces. So many faces. In my space until they were ordered back. I met the King and Queen. Two warm souls I was supposed to know. They prodded at me with wet cloths. Sent others away so we were alone. Numb and weak, I felt powerless to speak and fight. Questions fluttered. 

         “Loki was on his way to Heimdall,” Queen Frigga sat me on a bench to dote. “He will not take this well, my love.”

         “She’s in there, I’ve seen this before but...not in such circumstances.”

         “We’ve both seen this before but such spells are near impossible,” Frigga looked to him. They both seemed to shudder at a memory. “And this isn’t like that dark day. This is something new. She’s been ravaged from the inside.”

         “Do not be afraid. We’re friends,” Odin felt me cringe from him. “You have an illness and it’s wiped your memories away.”

         “An illness?”

         “Our options are too dangerous while she is in this state, Odin,” Frigga spoke up and I turned to her.

         “Yes, we have to give it time. Ensure that Loki is aware of that as we-” The door opening cut Odin off and I tilted my head when a man called the name that was given to me. Bright eyes pulled to focus before he pushed between the King and Queen.

         “You scared me to death, how could you just run-?”

         “Loki,” Frigga snapped sharp when I put my hands over my ears. “We need to discuss this before you speak to her.”

         “I’ve waited by her side for weeks, how could you even…?” Loki trailed off when he looked at me again and drew closer. Instinctively, I reeled backward. His brow furrowed when I lowered my gaze to the floor. “No…not this.” Tone breaking, those haunting eyes stared holes into me. “Don’t you recognize me at all?”

         “I don’t know you…” I whispered, curling up there like a wounded animal and he shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

         “No…No, you do. You have to remember,” he paused before his voice rose. “Look at me!” My gaze snapped to his when both Frigga and Odin stepped forward but Loki was quicker, grabbing me by the arms. Desperate. Aching. I jolted and struggled, leaning away from him as Frigga took him by the elbow.

         “Loki, you are frightening her.”

         “She has to remember!” He cried, but Frigga tugged him away and Odin set a hand on my shoulder. “Father, we have to do something this instant!”

         “There may not be a just solution, Loki. We must tread carefully,” the King replied.

         “I don’t know you…” I murmured again, my eyes searching for something. Anything. I felt like I was staring at a blank canvas. Or maybe I was staring at one that had been torn down and ripped to shreds. Loki’s eyes filled with tears as he stumbled backwards with Frigga pulling him along. 

         “I don’t know you…” I felt myself well too because it was all so much. These faces. These eyes. Something dripped. Splashed out my nose to hit my knuckle. Blood. Unnaturally red and bright. They all seemed to still at the sight. Frigga came to me with a rag. Pampering. “I wish that I could and I’m sorry.”

         And I’m sorry.

** ** **

         “Are you alright, dear?” Frigga approached the bathtub I was in, large bubbles covered my body while a maid gathered some bottles behind me. The Queen had explained the battle and the fever, neither of which I recalled. A weak haze surrounded me. Engulfed me like smoke. I nodded and watched her eye the maid.

         “Is this my room?”

         “No, I am sure we will escort you to your private chambers in a few days. Your fever broke but your strength worries us. Perhaps the familiarity will assist with your memories. But, we must have care, too much may overwhelm you. It's your head, I believe. The root of this.”

         “Do I have a family?” I watched Frigga falter before she smiled a little.

         “Yes, you’re beloved in this palace,” she paused, “your mind is fragile and we don’t want to bombard you with too much new information now. I’m afraid that you’re very ill. Your heart. Your brain. Your lungs. It’s as if you’re...”

         She didn’t say the word but I heard it even still.

         Rotting.

         “I’m going to die?” I whimpered out, too lost to put anything else together.

         “No!” The maid snapped that. Frigga eyed her again. Narrowed.

         “May I see you in the hallway for a moment?” The Queen gestured. Kind. The maid shuffled around and followed her out. 

         I let myself float there in the pools. Head tipping back. Wondering about sinking in. Away from the pain. These fleeting fears closing in. This face and this body that I didn’t recognize. The galaxy hovering outside that stilled before me. Unable to answer and gentle the ache.

         The fact that I might die a stranger.

** ** **

         “What do you think you are doing?” Frigga grabbed the maid by the ear once they were in the hall before she shifted into Loki, illusion dropping in a sweep of light.

         “Assisting in any way I can,” he grunted until his mother released him.

         “If you push yourself on her, she will push you away. She might lash out only because you terrified her. There is still unchecked magic inside her.” Frigga cupped her son’s cheek. “We must have care. I have my best contacts looking into this.”

         “I am not pushing myself on her...anymore,” Loki replied harder. “Mother, I will not lose her to this.”

         “But, you will lose her if you frighten her away. Tread lightly, Loki. You cannot force her to remember.”

         “I am taking more care. Allow me to do this. I will not say anything. I simply… I need to be with her, I do not care how.” He watched his mother exhale before she kissed his brow.

         “Go… I need to speak with the others and let them know. Loki, we will need to inform her mother. Fandral told me about stealing the letter. Withholding was wrong of us.”

         “No, you know we cannot.” Loki shook his head. “She would not want that. Father does not even want her mother near her after what occurred. Do you remember the type of people her parents were? She'll upset her. Fill her head with-”

         “Her father is dead and that woman is still her mother.” Frigga sniffled. “I will take a carriage to her myself and explain the situation.”

         “Just wait a while longer, so we can figure this. Mother…please.” Loki insisted finally, his voice dropping and Frigga exhaled again, not liking it before she nodded.

         “Go, care for her. Remember what I said, tread lightly.”

         “Thank you, mother.”

** ** **

         Days went. Days of prodding and scans and too many lights. Days of open-ended questions. Faces telling me who I was. Stopping when I began to sink and convulse with blood pouring out my nose.

         Days of whispers off to the side I pretended I couldn’t hear. Heads that shook as they discussed my organs slowly failing me. Dreamless sleeps I might not awaken from.

         And Prince Loki. Always hovering in my orbit. Casting spells and feeding me tonics. Holding my hair if I threw them back up. Sniffling his tears back because he was sinking too. 

         “Do you love me?” I asked him at last as he tucked me into a too large bed. My own wing of their healing room. Filled with flowers and tokens. Weaving lights above my head to monitor my body.

         “Yes.” A full truth, at last. He sat on the bed, one arm pressed at my side.

         “And I love you?” I blinked. Simple and clean. Easy. “I must.”

         “You do,” he smiled. Behind him, the shadows moved. Seeming to dance. Loki followed my eyes. Didn’t see what I did.

         “I don’t know me,” I breathed, head tipping back. “I feel like I’m going to make a mess of her. Me. Whoever I am.”

         “You would think that,” Loki decided, smirk hinting. He peered at the hand settled on my stomach and only took it when my fingers opened. “You always think you’re a burden. Things have happened to you. Things I’m almost happy you cannot remember. I know how that sounds.”

         “You won’t get all of me back if we only speak on happy times. I think the bad has to be there too. Sad as that might be.” My eyes lifted to his. “Do you only love me for the happy times?”

         “No, I love all of you.” Loki scanned me, deep in thought. Trying to sift through this the same way I picked for memories. “What if this is you, even now? I mean, they keep saying your slate is wiped clean.”

         “Yes,” I studied him. Watched the gears spin behind those green eyes. Two jewels glimmering with untold depths. Must have been so easy to fall for. 

         “But, you’re so...you still. What if we’re just seeing another page? What if everything has been simply displaced in the shuffle? The magic that goes into playing with memories is so great. So dangerous. I’ve only read about them. If we put that right, perhaps the rest will follow?”

        "Do you think this version of me is just something I hid away? A forgotten piece taking over as the rest hides?"

        "I know we're close to figuring this." Loki puffed. "You've been through trauma and you've survived. This could be another means of survival. Packing things away because they're too painful to face."

         “You said I could do magic last time we spoke,” I paused to knit my brow, “am I dangerous?”

         “All Asgardians are potentially dangerous. Magic or not.” Loki turned my hand over to study and trace the lines.

         “Loki,” I began, stopping as he met my eyes again. Still tracing lines into flesh. “What would she say to you if she wasn’t going to make it.”

         “We cannot think like that, we’re close. We are.” Loki brought my hand to his lips, kissed the fingertips feverishly.

         “But, what would she say?” I rasped quieter.

         “She…” Loki shuddered, eyes elsewhere. Watering. “She would tell me that she loves me so much. That she would want me to go on and live the fullest life there is.”

         Tired lips lifted at him. A wet breath left me.

         “But, it won’t happen. I will meet any demand.” Loki promised me. “I will save you.”

         Lips ghosted my hand again. I let him pretend that the girl he knew was still here. Not a shell with a mind so pure, even death was undaunting. Almost a lovely and horrible cure. Loki’s murmurs became my lullaby.

         “I swear it.” 

** ** **

         Loki paced and he paced. Mulled over books and parchment into the night. While his heart was on the slab. A knock past midnight perked his eyes.

         "Yes?" He came to the door, saw Moira there wrapped in a cloak. A book clutched close that hummed. Loki was caught upon seeing it. Mouth watering. Magic. "What is that?"

         "May I come in, my prince?" She pulled the hood from her mouth and hair and shuffled in. "There are memory spells powerful enough to wipe souls from an entire population. People who loved and revered them. Spells that can twist a web of memories all the same in a certain favor. For a better future. For peace."

         She stared through Prince Loki.

         "Magic long outlawed by my father before even my birth and Thor's," Loki's hands came together, one finger scratched at his palm.

         "We both know that there is no outlawing magic and knowledge. So did she." Moira cleared a spot and opened the book. "Tricking a soul into going against its nature. Twisting it. Potentially it could be the greatest evil in this world. And the most dangerous brand of magic. And it could be our answer."

         "Have you taken this to the King or Queen?" Loki's finger flicked to lock the door.

         "No, my prince," Moira clasped her hands, lip twitching. "Only you."

         "And how does a quiet healer in the service of my mother know about such magic?" Loki stepped around the table to meet her with intent eyes. Moira, usually seeming so shy, saw him with the same intensity. Head high. 

         "I'm simply from a closed province, your highness," she smiled cooler, "and I know only where to look. My mother was gifted. Different. I have some of the same gifts."

         "I see," Loki let her keep her secrets because the answers to come would be enough, "show me what you have."

         "Given the chance, you'd put everything on the line for her," Moira eased first, "because what you both have is stronger than any force in this world."

         "Yes," Loki never hesitated, "and I am to assume the risk would be my life?"

         "That is correct, Prince Loki," she watched him there, so unafraid. Green eyes flickering. Ready to scorch.

         "No time to waste, I suppose. Show me the spell."

Chapter Text

         “Loki, you’ve been in here for hours on end each day, have you eaten anything?” Frigga crossed the library and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder.

         “I have the solution and I’m studying it,” he didn't peer up. Fist pushed to his lips in deep thought. Brow knit together with panning eyes. His mother knew the look.

         Frigga scanned the battered page behind him.

         “You realize memory spells of this nature are restricted, they’re too dangerous. This is blood magic. We don't deal in that.”

         “Dangerous problems often require dangerous solutions. Father can try to stop me,” Loki shifted through pages with care. “Look, here, this could solve the problems in her head, make her healthy again.” 

         Frigga shook her head. Not looking at the page because she already knew the nature of these spells.

         “Who gave you this? It is too dangerous. Not even Odin would chance it with her health.”

         “Doesn’t matter how it came to me. We’re running out of time. I’m not letting her go like this,” Loki persisted. “I have searched endlessly and this could be our only chance.”

         “I do not believe that this will-”

         “Then, believe in me, mother,” he urged, his brow knitting. God of Mischief with so much passion in his heart, it bled him.

         “Loki, I have so much faith in you. But, think about this,” Frigga touched his face. “I want her back just as much as you, but-”

         “I am. We all know she is getting worse,” he pulled himself together. “Unstable. They called her unstable. Fandral took her for a stroll outside and she went into convulsions. Magic lashed out. Almost threw Fandral a mile. Father had her locked down.”

         “Your father grieves this as well.”

         “Leaving her to rot isn’t grieving. I saw his eyes, he almost wants it to happen.”

         “That’s not true.”

         “I know father has power he hides. Same as you. Same as I. And I’m not hiding it, not for her when she needs it. If I cannot retrieve her memories and set this right, the rest will decay. I have to do this. You know I can do this, Mother. You know it,” the prince paused. “I’ve everything I need, I just need to piece it together my room and get her there.”

         “Who is to say that she will agree?”

         “She will.”

         “Loki-”

         “I won’t force her but she will agree. I swore to her,” Loki watched his mother shift closer, her tone lowering as she held up a finger. 

         “No,” she spoke stricter. “I cannot allow this. I cannot allow you to see her now under order of the king, your father…and I cannot even tell you that in ten minutes I will relieve the guards at her door and the next will arrive five minutes late.” Frigga quirked up her eyebrow before she turned and a smirk crawled across Loki’s face.

         “Never was there a better mother than you.”

         “I know,” Frigga turned, her smile sly, “and don’t you forget that. Be safe. Cast the spell and I shall take care of the rest.”

         Loki shifted but her grip snapped around his wrist. He saw those bright eyes. Haunted.

         “My son,” she struggled, “you must know. In doing what you will, the things you could unleash-”

         “Mother,” Loki took her hand in his, lips pressing, “let’s keep the future where it is for now.”

         And then he slipped away, uncurling those delicate fingers.

         Frigga watched him go. One silver tear rolling down her cheek. When the room was empty, she turned and shut her eyes.

         “I love you all.”

** ** **

         My bedroom door opened without warning as I left the bathroom. Clock ticking. Freshly bathed and dressed against the healer’s wishes for me to stay in bed. Legs wobbling, I used the frame to stay upright. Wheezing again. A guard shut the door and stared at me stoically while I smoothed out fabric. A rustic rose-colored dress draped over my body.

         “Yes?” I asked meekly and light swept over his body before I realized it. “Loki?” He peered at me. Watched me edge away.

         “We don’t have much time, you need to come with me.”

         “Why?” I stood against a bookcase, holding the edge to brace myself. Knuckles shaken and greying. “You all saw what I did outside. I can’t go anywhere… It’s better for everyone if I stay here.”

         “You must.”

         “I just need to sleep, I don’t want to hurt anyone.”

         “We both know you are not yourself in full. Whatever this is. I can get your memories back and you will finally be able to rejuvenate. Through me. But, you must trust me and come out of here so I can explain. I’ve everything prepared in my chambers.”

         “What if they notice I’m gone?” I watched Loki flick his wrist before light moved over the bed and it appeared that I was simply asleep in it.

         “That illusion will hold until they cannot possibly stop us,” Loki didn’t shift toward me but his eyes begged. “We must try. I promised you.”

         Debating it a moment, I wordlessly agreed. Dropped my defenses. Saw his expression brighten with so much hope. For a moment, I thought I felt it too. 

         “Can you walk?”

         “Yes,” I shifted away from the bookcase but Loki shook his head.

         “Can you walk well?” He watched me lower my gaze. Unable to admit weakness. “Come, I’ll carry you and conceal us with an illusion. We need to make haste.” Loki came toward me as I curled into myself. Effortlessly, he picked me up in his arms. Closed into a safe embrace. “Stay alert and quiet.” 

         We left the room after he put up an illusion. My heart pumping so fast, I was sure he could hear it. Slowly, I slid my arm around his shoulders, gripping at the fabric of his clothing to keep myself from slipping. He walked carefully down the hallway with calculated steps. Every time someone passed, I couldn’t help but close my eyes tight, despite them not seeming to notice us. We made it to his room that smelled like sandalwood and leather.

         “What are we doing?” I uttered, eyes flickering over Loki when he put me down on the edge of his bed.

         Soft orbs of light whirled around a potion on the table. The prince came to it. Watched the colors mingle and change.

         “In theory, I am simply going to find my way through your head and bring you back out.”

         “…You’re going to prod around my mind?”

         “…In theory.”

         “How?”

         “I have to search through your being. Flood you with my own strength. You’ll be feeding off me. My magic. My life force. My soul. Just enough to get you well. All the while, I search for where the rest of you is hiding. We both unravel and increase.”

         “Would the real me trust you to do this?”

         “You would try,” he pressed his lips together. “It is the only possible solution after searching. Our souls, if compatible, will be linked and I have no doubts that they will link.”

         “What if I am just unstable?”

         “Maybe we both are. Seems that I will be putting my trust into you as well. Once we do this, there is a chance one or both of us will not awaken.”

         “You’re sure we should try? You could lose yourself too.” I asked him a question that struck. "Am I worth this?"

         “You always will be. If I lost you, I would lose my mind. Virtually, there is no difference,” Loki waved his hand over the potion. “I’m going to do what it instructs me to do and I need you to simply follow. It will put us both to sleep and I should be into your mind by that time.”

         "Alright."

         “We both need to give our blood.”

         “What?” I looked down at the blade now in Loki’s hand.

         “Just a few drops.” Reluctantly, he held out the hilt so I reached but yanked back when I touched the cold handle. Fingers trembled from the marrow.

         “I can’t. I don’t know. I…just think I shouldn’t.” Demurely, I met his gaze to see him staring directly back at me. A beat before he spoke.

         “Do well to remember that.” Loki turned back to the potion and I didn’t ask what he meant before he reached for my hand when I offered it. Eyes shut when the blade broke my skin, I felt him press some gauze into my palm after. “Hold that but don’t wrap your hand, I’ll need it again.”

         “Right,” I watched him slice open his palm effortlessly. Not even wincing. As if he’d done it hundreds of times before. Fingers squeezed into the red, let a few drops fall into the potion. He beckoned me to mirror the action so I did. Sizzles struck and colors changed. Too many times before it went pure white like snow. Silver specks welling up. 

         “One more thing,” he picked up a pestle and mortar, “this will sting. Give me your hand again.” With his unwounded hand, the prince flicked some grey residue on my bleeding palm. The sting welled instantly. I squeezed my fist. Blood seeped through tight fingers. Loki was pouring the potion into two goblets before he exhaled and nodded. “Drink this and lie back against the bed, it will make you drowsy.”

         “Loki…whatever happens, I just want you to know-”

         “I know. I do.” Loki met my eyes. Put the potion into my hand so I turned, sitting on the bed to drink. He was putting that same grey residue on his hand when I reclined. 

         The effects were almost instant. Room spinning. I fell fully back against the pillows. Loki was drinking. The goblet clattered at the same time guards banged on his door. We both perked. Loki’s bloodied hand lifted. Shook. A spell sealed us inside. I saw him stumble until he was crawling on the bed with one hand. 

         “Give…me your hand…” He slurred, hovering over me and his left hand curled around mine, both of our palms sticky with blood that mixed. I gasped at the sting. Whimpered aimless. Loki took my chin with his other hand. “One last thing…”

         “I’m scared,” I whimpered out as he leaned over me.

         “As am I,” Loki swallowed, “close your eyes.” I did. Felt myself begin to fade. Endless silver pools awaited behind my eyes. He parted my lips, thumb tracing a circle into my jaw. 

         A cool sensation filled my lungs and spread. Soothing. Drove the pain away as I sank. 

        I peeked. Saw wispy white magic flooding out his lips. Into mine. Eyes closed tighter. I grasped at the blankets, our fingers laced. Loki's kiss came down. So tender, I barely felt it. Loki fell to my side on his stomach, our fingers still tightly intertwined. 

         We followed each other. Into darkness. Or light. Whatever that meant now.

         Come find me.

** ** **

         The doors burst, almost off their hinges when Odin entered. Flocked by two guards. He came to the bed. Didn’t hear his wife enter behind them.

         “Leave us, don’t bring this to Thor yet,” Frigga ordered, shutting the doors so they were alone with the lovers. Slumbering. Odin stood over the bed and she moved to see the potion.

         “They risk too much in this.”

         “Loki is the brightest sorcerer in all of Asgard, my love. We knew he would be. Better than both of us. He will do this.” Frigga eased, flocking to the side of the bed. The woman there lost in dreams. “There was no stopping him. And fate demands it.”

         “They’ll both die if we interfere,” Odin rubbed at his face. “We shouldn’t have done it this way. Too much can happen, I-”

         “They won’t find it,” Frigga eased, knuckles moving pretty curls aside. Tucking them to caress the curve of an ear. A line drew down the cheek. “They won’t find what you believe they will.”

         “Are you speaking as someone who’s already looked toward the end?” His eye shifted. She only smiled. Tears welling that never fell.

         “She doesn’t know yet, so they won’t find any of it. Her mother only knew a fraction of that and...the details escaped her from what I gather.” A sniffle. “We shouldn’t keep so much from them. It will come regardless. It always does.”

         “It’s too late to go back, we agreed, my love, after-”

         “Please, I cannot hear that name tonight. Odin,” Frigga clipped out. Tried not to resent the past that haunted her. Shuddering. Still petting lush spirals aside. 

         Odin came to Loki, sat by his side. One broad hand upon his head. Thumb smoothing the same way he did when Loki was just a baby. Sobbing for contact. Sobbing for love. Frigga watched his eye flicker between the couple several times before speaking.

         “You cannot punish her for things she has not done. Things she may or may not even do.”

         “I am not punishing anyone,” he rose, head tipped aside. Unable to look deeply.

         “You never speak of it.”

         “About?” He peered at her. Gentle.

         “What you glimpsed in her eyes, the first time you saw her.” Frigga pressed her lips. “When I brought her to you that day. She was a child and she terrified you all the same.”

         “You know what I saw, Frigga,” Odin sighed, “I love you.”

         “I love you as well.”

         “Monitor them,” he was turning to go, “I will tell Thor.”

** ** **

          We're here. Nowhere.

         Loki looked down at his hands. No trace of the cut. He called a name that didn’t echo, these surroundings nothing but fog as he moved onward. Studying the darkness with darting eyes and twitching fingers. Visions pulled up from the black. A house with a white picket fence. Fog weaving into every notch.

         “Are you dead?” A little voice had Loki jolting into dead air. He faced down a little girl. Her. Sweet face. Unsettling too. Dressed in all white. Eyes that didn’t blink. “Can you see me? She can’t. She doesn't like to.”

         “Yes,” Loki narrowed. “Why do you think I’m dead?”

         And she smiled. Too wide. Looked upon Loki as if he’d granted all her wishes. As if she'd been waiting centuries.

         As if she knew how this all might end.

         “Because I am.”

         “You’re not dead,” Loki bent down. Hands gripped her small shoulders. Curls bounced and she laughed at him. Sounding almost like a manic grown woman. 

         “She said you’d come. Sometimes I see her in the windows. Hopeful and stupid.”

         “Can you take me to her?” Loki begged. Desperate to the little shade.

         “Yes and no.” A finger pointed up toward the house. “But, you have to take me inside the house.”

         “Is she inside?” Loki was turning to approach the fence.

         “You have to take me inside the house,” came the repeating deadpan. “She’ll die if you don’t.” Loki turned his eyes to see her again there. Something glowed behind her dark eyes. A distant spark.

         “What are you?”

         The girl stared through him blankly.

         “Take me inside the house, Prince Loki Odinson.” Hands came to grip at Loki’s front. Tugging fabric. Skin greying to decay and sink around her skull. “Take me inside the house! She’s dying!” Flesh flaked off. Hair brittle. Part of her face rotted away. Teeth breaking to sharp points. Clacking out. Loki veered away on instinct. “All she had to do was hold me.”

         “Let go,” Loki hissed, ripping her hands from him. “What are you!”

         “Do you know what happened to souls that split apart under enough pressure? Enough trauma. The strong side eats the weak. It has no choice. It was created. It’s fake. It only knows how to play and survive. Sacrifices mean nothing to it.” She let go. Still advancing. Dragging along with her head lulled aside. “I needed to mask and she ate me.”

         “What are you saying!”

         “We slept so heavily and father held us so tight.” One of her eyes rotten out. Arms extending for his touch. “I just needed to pretend and then it was all we knew.” A beat. “I made her and she left me behind to die. Started splitting skin open. Started smiling wider for mother. Started to play for longer and longer. While I withered away and then she put her hands around my throat. I created her and she killed me for it.”

         “You’re not real.” Loki’s hands came back to grip the fence as he shuffled further.

         “She’s the side that isn’t real. The side that can’t connect. Heart. Mind. Soul. Because I needed something made of steel to hide under. She was just supposed to survive. Couldn't even do that right.”

         “So, what, are you innocence? The inner child, what?” Loki’s chest fell.

         “You don’t understand,” she replied, crestfallen, “but you will. I have many names. I gave her life, so she could live my dream.” A wheeze pulled and she lifted a hand. Colorless fingers splayed out toward him. “If you want to save her, you have to travel forward and see. You won’t pass the gate without my help and I cannot enter the house without you. Her blind faith repels me. Your soul is flooding. Trying to heal us. Trying to piece her silly mind back together. The woman you love is fantasy. It was supposed to be me. Could you ever have loved me? Could she?”

         Loki shook the gate. Lifted his hand and no magic came. Sound exploded. Screams from the house. Her. Wailing. Shaking the windows until they became to crack.

        The grey child stood undaunted, just turned her face aside as Loki got frantic.

        “What’s happening to her?”

        “She’s reliving it. Being dragged and beaten with that horrible old belt.” Blood welled through the delicate fabric of her dress that was torn to ruin and rot. “Other things as well. Things father stopped only because she was too old and she’d remember them. Things mother was too afraid to face. But, she knew. I think you know as well.”

       Loki chilled. Spinning back to see the little girl looking at him carefully.

       “Sometimes, she comes out. Sees you. A version of you. All her precious friends. They never cross the fence. They can’t because she doesn’t get close. They often bring flowers. Other days, they cast stones. People can be so careless. Especially loved ones.” She gazed upon the house that shattered with silence. “After she killed me, she built the house. Hoping to protect herself. Surrounded it with monsters from the rose bushes. Guardians.”

       “And where are they?”

       “The basement. Just twisted creatures. People she knows. People she will know. Like impressions.” She watched Loki fight with the gate before light cast him backward.

       “Her mind is protecting itself again.”

       “I was the only part of this that could have been free of this suffering.” The dead girl scoffed at him. “Let it all rot.”

       Loki heard another crash. Another scream. Desperation had him fighting harder. And then he stilled.

       “Can you truly save her?” He spun and saw the way the girl smiled. She was just all grey. 

       “I can get you through the gate because I can cross it, but you have to take me into the house.” Decayed hands lifted up toward him, fingers flexing the same way a spider moves its tiny legs. She wrapped her lithe arms around his waist while Loki recoiled, squeezed him. As if she'd never been held before.

       “You stay in my sight,” he hesitated and plucked her up, felt this protective edge because she was a child. Is a child. Grey tucked herself under his neck to cling. One step forth and the gate opened. Loki felt a chill run his spine. Heard a distant dream of an echo.

       They ventured on despite it. The voice calling his name. Pleading with him.

       Don’t do this.

       The door still opened for them. Wide with a clatter that shook the windows. 

       “Where is she?” Loki uttered, stepping over the threshold with the little girl. “Speak up.”

       “The attic,” her eyes hazed, pupils blown out. Scratched walls and creaking boards lined the too long hall. For a moment, Loki thought the entire place would crumble apart. Come down atop them.

       Any scream or struggle ceased as Loki climbed higher. The grey child didn’t speak. Didn’t try to escape. She held close, sapped the only warmth that had ever touched her life.

       Loki wondered briefly if they’d have a little girl. He'd always wanted one on silent days. If she’d suffer like this because sometimes life just lets you down. Sometimes people let you down worse.

       “There, the door,” came the rasp. Loki hurried and the hall seemed further. Rushing down the path until it flung back. There she was. Splayed across dust like a slab of marble. Elegantly lined in draped fabric as if it were a cocoon swallowing her whole.

       Her name jumped out his lips and he set the girl aside to fly to her left. Yanking fabric that drowned her. Cupping the cold face.

       “Sweetheart,” hands shook, “I’m here. I’m here.” Too many syllables jumped together and piled out. Loki kissed her lips only because true love’s kiss worked in all the fairy tales his mother would read him. “You’re alright, I’m here. Just feel me.”

       Loki placed her palm on his face. Prayed to himself. Just save her. A breeze swept up the room and he ignored it. Shaking and pleading too loud, he couldn’t even hear himself. Lashes fluttered and she was looking up at him. A moan cast and color bloomed through her mouth and cheeks.

       “Loki,” a childish smile twitched at drunken lips. Eyes tried to focus on him. A warning flare flashed over her expression before she was gripping at him. Desperate. “We’re gonna be like him, aren’t we? We’re gonna lose ourselves to this. To power.”

       “No, no, I’ve got you. You have to stand.” He pulled her torso up. Steady. Steel clicked and Loki swept her skirts aside. Spotted a chain looped around her ankle.

       “Loki…” Hands tore for him blindly. Eyes snapped open at something behind him. That same chill wafted and didn’t end. Loki froze, head tilting toward a mass welling up where the little girl stood. “What is that?”

       “So forgetful,” a voice warped to a sharp edge. The grey child grew in a billow of ash. Let it rain until her bones and joints cracked apart. Still rotten as ever. Eyes dead as night. Her ash filled the corner, hair and clothing floating in wisps. 

       Loki shielded the half-aware body behind him.

       “Stay back,” he growled. The creature crawled across the wall like a demon, staring with one black eye and one washed out. She hissed back with sharp teeth. Claws growing out. The woman behind him latched around Loki’s thigh. Held tight to plead.

         “Please let me keep him,” she wept and Loki realized it, one hand came to her head.

         “You must remember her.”

         “I don’t want to, it hurts.”

         The child crouched down and dove. Tore Loki away from her. A chain looped around her neck, eliciting a cry. The girls fought and rolled until Loki yanked the grey demon off.

         "Very well, I'll kill her. Is that what you want?" He dragged Grey aside. Saw his lover's eyes water with a sob that tore. 

         A scream raged at his face when he ripped her up. Loki bared his teeth, trembled because her pain was flooding him. Stealing air from his lungs. He saw her carrying this weight. This child. Always. Screams that no one heard. 

         “She gave everything for you!”

         “She murdered me! She forgot about me and tried to lock me away! Not anymore! Never again! I created her and she owes me everything! It's my turn. You owe me a debt and I will collect.”

         “Lies!” Loki slammed her back. Felt himself greying too. “You used and tormented her, dead or not, I’ll make sure you go back into the damn ground if I must!” They hit walls. Crashed into windows that fractured apart.

         "Wait..." His lover wheezed from the floor.

         Furious, Loki slammed her through glass. Held her outside by the neck as she squirmed, kicking her feet. And then he saw it: fear crawling across her face. Pure and total. She screeched again and fought but Loki readied to let go.

         “Stop!” A plea halted them. Loki turned his eyes. Saw shame looking back. "Stop, please."

         "Why?" Loki struggled, body vibrating too hard. "Say it."

         “She is me.” The weeping girl there said her name. Whimpered it. Hot tears pouring. “I repressed her because I repressed everything else. I just played the game like I thought I was supposed to. Invisible and doing everything I was told. Being whatever people needed instead of what I needed. I mutilated myself. Didn't know who I was. So I smothered her. Myself. Her anger is just. It’s my anger too.”

         “She’s what harms you," Loki felt himself losing control because there was so much pain. "She’s a sickness infecting you.”

         “And she created me to protect her and I failed. I played a part and nothing else existed. Father did things and it wasn’t our fault. Mother turned her eyes and it wasn't our fault. It never was. Whatever she is… She is me. I can't shred my soul further. It isn't right. I still built a life beyond all this and it’s real. It’s enough. And sickness will never make me unworthy of love. Unworthy of hope.”

         “She is hurting you. I can make your pain go away." Loki stared, his own life failing him. Sweaty and shaken. "I can get rid of her and…I can make you so happy.”

         “Yes, you can. But, not like this. You love all of me and she is me. She is a part of that. I understand now.” A beat. They looked at each other. Stopped crying. "Loki. Stay with me. You can't bleed yourself for me further. Just stay." 

         Loki remained rooted on the spot. The decaying creature watched him, holding to his wrists tight. He had no idea what could happen if he got rid of this thing, perhaps she would be happier, perhaps it would ruin her. 

         She was right. He knew that. This was a part of her. Everything within her mind shaped her and it all had a place. He couldn’t deny it, he couldn’t deny any of it. So, Loki instead slowly brought the girl, Grey, back inside. His hand still firm around her throat as he grabbed at her hair to make her look up at him.

         “You will hate me with every damned fiber of your being and I will only love you more, do you understand? Hate me until you love it.” Loki confessed in a low tone. Color returned to his face. The hand in her hair touched her face, almost tenderly, as he kissed her temple before he released her. 

         The child rushed toward his beloved. Screamed in her face with no reaction. Got swept forward into an embrace. Brief but enough.

         “Perhaps, another time, old friend. When we’re both ready, we can talk.”

         Slowly, the child lowered to the floor. Blinked. Shrunk back down. Still rotten. A hand extended. Palms came together. One moment of total connection

         "I'll go on and let you stay here so I can care for you. Finally. I am...so sorry. Live with me. Heal. We both could use it. I'll come back for you. I promise."

         Grey stared through her. Sunk down into the floor to be away. Hid herself elsewhere but stayed behind the fence where she could make a home. Where they could both heal. Loki scrambled over to break the chain. Out of breath. Drained.

         “You cannot stay here, you must go back.” She took his face. Held him up. Watched Loki crack with tears.

         “Not without you.” Aimless hands gripped her shoulders to squeeze. Suffocating. “Sweetheart, it hurts, I-”

         “Pain, yes. But, also hope. Much more now. Breath and open your eyes now.”

         “Let me get you out of here.” Every window in the house opened. Magic wove every corner in technicolor lights. Beyond them, Loki saw too many glowing eyes through the dark hallways. Twisted fleshy creatures creeping forth. Fragile, Asgardian bodies with unnatural features. Decorated in cloth and embedded metal pieces. “What are those?”

         “They keep the grounds, they won’t hurt me.” She peered back. They came to their feet. Loki held her close. Fingers twisting fabric together. Her memories flashed behind his eyes. Consumed him until he tore a low sob. Magic billowed out.

         “I love you,” she spoke, “you need to get back. They’re waiting for you.”

         “I love you,” Loki replied desperately, “all of you. If this didn’t work-”

         “Have faith,” she smiled, backing up. “I’ll come back to you. We always come back to each other. I can't keep leeching your strength. You must go.” 

         One of the creatures. Curving spine and stark green eyes. Cheekbones that jutted too high. Almost resembling him. Offered a hand that she took. Briefly, Loki wished that he was her favorite.

         “The house needs repairs. The child still frightens them. Go. I’m waiting.” It all began to fade. Magic burst at the seams.

         Loki felt himself fall, aimlessly before he jolted up when a voice called his name.

** ** **

         “Loki! Wake up! Get up!” I begged, grasping at his clothes. Blood trailed out his nose. Frigga moved to the opposite side. 

         Confused, I’d awoken in a blur. Felt a mighty shockwave surge out of my bones. Light that swept over all of Asgard. I should have known someone out there would feel it. And that I had been what they were waiting for. All my years of prayers that would one by one make a pretty fool of me.

         "Loki, please," I looked down at the cut on my hand and the one on his. Blood magic. Without warning, Loki swept up, his green eyes snapping open. A yell broke.

         “Loki…” My hands cupped his jaw, trying to focus him. “What happened?”

         "It's you," he welled. My gasp caught. Lips pressed.

         "It's me."

         Loki searched me. Aimless hands felt out. He exhaled before turning abruptly because he was about to be sick. Our moment ended.

         “Here,” Frigga was pressing a container into Loki’s hands before he vomited. “Let it out, darling,” she brushed black hair. My confusion only rose higher while I tried to help.

         “What happened?” I asked, panicked. Loki finished up while I rubbed his back. Hacked up his breakfast and tried to breathe.

         “What do you remember?” Frigga urged.

         “The battle. The sorcerer. I...I was sick. And I remember falling asleep in Thor's arms. Shouting. Nothing much else. How did he...How did he make me better?” Adjusting, I let out a calmer breath. No more burn in my lungs. No more thuds in my brain. The Queen took my hand to heal it before she spoke.

         “You see, Loki went-” she stopped when her son grabbed her wrist and shook his head.

         “I…” He gathered himself. “I merely cast an ancient spell to give you strength, I used my own.” Frigga peered at Loki. Saw him nod with intent eyes. “Mother, please take that book away, put it where it belongs in our restricted section.”

         “I’ll be back with healers for both of you,” the Queen kissed his head and smiled at me. Taking my face to examine what must have been a miracle. “We were all so worried about you, dear.”

         “I’m sorry,” I watched her shake her head.

         “No, we’re all just happy to have you back. Concentrate on your health. We'll move forward.” Frigga stood taller and glanced at Loki. “I imagine your father will have some words for you, but allow me to speak with him first.”

         “Yes, I’ll go to him this evening,” Loki was staring down at his hands so Frigga left with the spellbook before he quickly gathered me in his arms. Squeezed me close. “I have you. For a moment, I thought… It doesn’t matter. You’re here now and I love you so much.”

         “We’re okay? We’re really okay?” My eyes filled with tears. Loki moved back to take my face. Smiling now and sobered. “I barely remember any of it, it was like a long dream…”

         “It is not important,” Loki’s hands shook, “you are here now. You’re here. You’re here with me, I love you, I love you so much.” He pulled me toward him tighter, that vulnerability he let show around me coming through. Sunlight through textured glass. Painting me in pretty colors.

         Something more was here as Loki tremored. Clearly rattled to the pit. Pale finger taut, sinking into my flesh.

         What did that spell do? Not asking now, I merely held close and pressed a kiss to his neck. I was back at long last. I was home again. I was healing.

** ** **

         “We wish for you to stay in here one or two more nights, dear. To be sure,” Eir rounded the bed, hand lifting to the lights dancing delicately above me before they disappeared. “We’ll bring your dinner up later. This change is miraculous, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

         “Can I see anyone? I haven’t seen the others yet,” I asked. Eir peered at Loki behind her while he watched me close. Barely leaving my side.

         “Tomorrow at breakfast,” the prince spoke before he dismissed her and came toward me. Moira rushed inside just as they left, coming to my arms first.

         "It worked," she sighed, pulling away to take my arms and looked me over. “And I still have a job.”

         "I neglected telling my mother you found the book,” Loki came to us. “You have my deepest gratitude for helping save her life. I owe you a debt.”

         “You found it?” I piped up and Moira only smiled.

         “Magic users of all brands must stick together. Do not worry about debt. Just keep living well.” Moira turned and met Loki's stare, head tilting. "My prince. I'll give you both some time." She touched my shoulder and hurried out so Loki came to my side in an instant.

         “I’m fine now, Loki, really.” I smiled and he sat on the bed. In truth, my body ached but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Everything else was functioning as needed. “You haven’t told me how you are.”

         “I am well because you are,” he admitted when I touched his hand and turned it over to trace a line down his palm. I had a matching one.

         “Blood magic is serious. I've read about it in our studies. I don’t want there to be any harmful consequences for you.”

         “After everything, you’re worrying about me?” Loki appeared amused and shook his head so I pulled his palm up to my lips to kiss it.

         “Always am,” I smiled lighter, “how can I not be?”

         “Well, for once, you must focus on yourself.”

         “I can do both just fine.”

         “Very well,” Loki moved forward and kissed me for the first time. Deep. Tender. I took his face in my hands, lips barely parting. Felt too good to be around him again, I couldn’t help myself. Immersed in his scent. When I shifted onto his lap, he abruptly broke the kiss and took my wrists to make me pause. “I have to go soon to meet father.”

         “Not for a little while,” I shook my head and stole his lips once more. Felt him cave, pressing closer. Those stunning hands roamed my back and touched my hair. Gods above, I loved it. I missed him with everything I had. My mouth was on his neck and he stopped us again, settling his hands on my shoulders.

         “I love you,” he kissed me once more and slid me from his lap to get up, “I must go.” I didn’t let go of his hand. Saw his gaze flicker aside.

         “Loki, are you-?”

         “I am fine,” he let himself grin and I nodded. “I’ll be back soon and we shall talk.”

         “Tonight, will you sleep in here with me?” I asked and felt him rub a circle into my skin with his thumb.

         “Of course,” he came forward to peck my temple, touching my face sweetly as he did. “Rest here until I come back.”

         “I’ll try.” Reluctant, I let him go. Unspoken words hung between us in his path.

** ** **

         Loki paced down the hallway in a rush. Ignored the world spinning until he managed to get back to his room. Without warning, he slid back against his doorway in dim light, not having to meet his father for another few minutes. Crumbling apart.