Archive of Our Own ^beta

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Prologue 1: Excepts from PercyW/@Te’s Sporking of Andromeda Sunshine and the Lighting Thief[1]

(Peter)

Chapter 1: I’m a Sad Orphan

Me: So, my internet friends said this story was bad, but how bad could it really be?

Andromeda Sunshine:

Me: That name…gag.

Andromeda Sunshine: I’m an orphan. I was abused and my life was sad. Instead of showing you, I’m going to look at a random mirror and talk about it with barely functional grammar and questionable spelling. I will also make sure you know that despite my sad sad backstory I’m hot. I mean a good person. I mean hot.

Me: Anything else?

Sueshine (No, that’s not a typo. Her name is Sueshine now. I can take that more seriously): Did I mention that I was hot?

Me: Yes.

Sueshine: Well I’m still going to stand here and talk about how gorgeous, likeable, and sympathetic I am for the next 2047 words, so enjoy!

Me: I have many regrets.

Chapter 2: I Meet Grover

Grover: Hi Sueshine. Let’s be friends and by friends, I mean that I want to fuck you because you’re so hot. Drool…

Me: Et tu, Grover?

Sueshine: Yes! Let’s be the bestest of friends! (but not really. I’m going to secretly bash you in my barely coherent thoughts to fulfil the author’s agenda.)

Me: Why?

Author: Grover < Tyson

Me: Debatable, but fair.

Author: Grover < Ron Fucking Weasley

Me: GET OUT!

Chapter 3: Gods, I’m dying

Me: Oh good. We are finally starting the plot. With a title like that, I’m sure this means that Sueshine will finally be challenged and…

Author: Challenge? What is this word you speak of?

Me: Challenge. It means that Sueshine is going to be faced with a difficult conflict.

Author: Oh that. I think I did that in the backstory. Do you want me to go over it again like I did in Chapter 2?

Me: NO! No thank you. Could you please just explain the title?

Author: Oh! Isn’t it clever? :D Grover is like so annoying teehee

Me: Gods, I think I’m dying.

Author: I know right? Grover is the worst.

Me: Only two more chapters...

Chapter 4: I Think I’m in Love

Sueshine: Luke is like almost as hot as I am.

Me: That’s…

Sueshine: We’d look so amazing together.

Me: Really?

Sueshine: Did I mention he was hot? Like I just met him, but I’d totally fuck him despite my tragic, mysterious, and oh so sad backstory.

Me: …

Sueshine: SO HOT!

Chapter 5: I’m really special

I promised myself that I’d stick to sporking, but I just can’t. You need to hear this excerpt verbatim:

“Oh! I already know who my daddy is,” I say, shyly.

“Who?” Luke and Grover said, eagerly.

“Yeah,” Annabeth said as she lokes at her fingers.

“Zeus,” I said with blush.

“Wow!” they all say, impressed. “That’s cool. You’re really special”

“I am?” I asked, wonderingly.

“Yeah,” Annabeth said. “I’m willing to be your friend now.”

I smiled happily. “Peachy!” I say happily.

Everyone, cheer! It was great being special.[2]

Yeah…Need I say more?

Look, I knew from what my friends told me that this fic was going to be bad, but this was absolute shit. When it isn’t stealing sentences verbatim from the source material, it’s…well you read the excerpt.

Honestly, the author should be ashamed. There is nothing "special" about Sueshine. She’s a generic, overpowered fantasy who breezes through her “problems” if you want to call them that. The only thing saving my sanity and sense of decency is the fact I only promised to read 5 chapters. I am so ready to forget that this atrocity ever existed. I said as much in my fanfiction.net review which will hopefully let people know that they can skip out on this insult to the canon.

Footnotes

[0] Yay! You’re actually reading the footnotes. This was just a test, but thank you for playing. I promise the next footnote will be more informative.

[1] This is supposedly an excerpt from Peter’s blog. However, it’s actually just the authors poking fun at the first fic…I think. But this might also be real? And would make this fic a revenge fic. I’m not sure. I vaguely remember there being a review like the chapter 5 entry on the original Andromeda fic. However, I think that person might have had a different username. Also, I could not find a sporking blog like this anywhere, so your guess is as good as mine.

[2] I promise the writing in this fic is never this bad. It has improved a lot since Lightning Thief and of course I’m here to edit. However, you can see why I’m not reposting the first two stories. The effort that it would take to edit is just no. :/

Anyway, I read Fanfic 3 first and I only read the other two afterwards out of curiosity. So, I can say from personal experience that you don’t need to read the other fics to enjoy this one. :)

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Prologue 2: The Fleece’s Magic Works Too Well[1]

(Andi)

Gosh golly gee, I was lonely.[2] Grover and I were sitting outside by a small pool of water.[3] He was swearing his loyalty to me, but I was barely paying attention as I looked into my reflection.

I had long shiny honey colored hair with a slight curl at the bottom. My long lashes and perfect eyebrows were a slightly darker color. They framed my azure colored eyes which were sky blue. I also had full red lips, a cute freckled nose and a curvy body with big breasts that looked great in my orange camp shirt and cutoff jeans.

I smiled sadly at myself.

I knew Grover meant well with his praise and I was glad that I had been able to save him, the camp and the golden fleece, but I hadn’t been able to save Luke.[4] And that was what mattered. Grover just didn’t understand how hard it was to be me.

Instead he said, praisingly, “Ever since we started our empathy link, I feel so different. Like I’m part of a bigger whole. This is what I was searching for. I was a fool to obsess over Pan when I had already met you. You’re perfection Andi.”[5]

“That’s real swell, Grover,” I said, distractedly.

Grover was still complimenting me an hour later when I left to go to talk to Chiron. Chiron told me that he was ready to begin my advanced mist manipulation lessons but even that didn’t cheer me up.

I went back to my cabin to stare up at the huge statue of Zeus, Lord of the Skies and King of the Gods that was inside of it.

“Oh Daddy, what should I do?”

The statue immediately shone with a bright gold light and became Daddy, Zeus, Lord of the Skies and King of the Gods.[6] Daddy hugged me and asked, concernedly, “What’s wrong honey?”[7]

As if he didn’t know. Gods could be so absentminded. “Luke is gone,” I said, remindingly.[8]

“Oh…him,” Zeus pulled away and looked deeply into my azure orbs. “I never liked that boy.”

“You don’t like any boys,” I said, pointedly.

“They’re all horny monsters, I should know,” Zeus said fiercely. “Anyway, you’re too young to be dating. You should enjoy camp. Make some female friends.”

I sighed. Most girls didn’t like me. I had no idea why. The one time I had thought that I had made a female friend, Annabeth, it hadn’t turned out well at all.[9]

Daddy tried again. “Or maybe, you should spend some more time with me. Plenty to do in Olympus.”

I shook my head. I couldn’t leave camp, especially with Luke still missing. It wouldn’t be right. “Maybe later, Daddy, after the prophecy,” I said, sadly.

Zeus frowned sadly. “Well alright, if you say so. But you’ll let me know if you change your mind.”

“Of course,” I said, bravely.

Daddy smiled happily. “That’s my girl. Now I know you think you miss Luke, but honestly, honey, there are plenty more interesting people to hang out with. The guy was kind of a downer.”

I nodded and pretended to listen as Daddy complained about Luke’s “flaws” and why he thought I shouldn’t involve myself with that “tainted” mortal. Daddy claimed he had grander plans for me and what not. And that someday when he was ready, I might get a boyfriend.

Meanwhile I remembered how great Luke was. His golden skin, blonde hair, and that winning smile, it was almost too much for a girl to take. Though he hadn’t smiled much after Annabeth left. I had dragged him on that quest to retrieve Grover partially to help him get over her. And now he was just gone and it was all my fault. Nico promised that he wasn’t dead, but I wanted more.[10] I wanted Luke safe and sound and with me.

“Andi,” Daddy said, sharply and I looked up sharply.

He was frowning, disapprovingly.

“Sorry Daddy,” I said, contritely.

“I can see that the boy’s disappearance still bothers you,” he said, gently, “He’s really not worth it, but if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll ask Hermes to do another search.”

I nodded and dutifully thanked him. They had search before. But maybe this time they’d find something? It worried me that not even the gods could find Luke.

Daddy distracted me from my thoughts by leaning in and giving me another hug. “Anything for my favorite daughter,” he whispered into my ear, “Stay strong.”

Then he released me and I was staring at a stone statue again.

I sighed. Not even the king of the gods could bring back my best friend. Gods, I missed Luke.

The rest of the day, I felt the same loneliness until it was finally time for bed, but even though I was dead tired, I didn’t sleep well. I had the dream again.[11] The one where all around me angry voices shouted and shrieked like harpies.

How could you get rid of Luke!

Nico is not hot until after he goes to the underworld. Also, he’s gay?

Why wasn’t Annabeth in this one?

I am so disappointed the last one held so much promise.

Andi’s a total Mary Sue…Mary Sue... Mary …[12]

Later that night, I awoke to the sound of someone banging on my door. “Coming,” I said, sleepily as I got out of bed.

The person didn’t wait. The door flew open and Grover was standing there.

“Yes?” I asked, trying to stay civil even though it was like 5 in the morning.

“Andi!” he stammered. “Nico…on the hill…he…”

The look in his eyes told me something was very wrong. Nico had been on guard duty last night to protect the Fleece. If something had happened… no, not again, I couldn’t bear it.

“Come on,” I said, urgently as I ran past him and out the door. Grover followed me as we headed to the front of the camp. I listened as he wheezed out, “he’s lying there…just lying there…”

Grover wasn’t making any sense.

“Is Nico alright?” I asked, intensely.

“Nico? No…he’s…”

Before Grover could finish Chiron galloped up from behind us. The centaur scooped me up. Suddenly, I was riding him and we were racing towards the camp entrance, leaving Grover behind with all the other campers who were just getting up. Everyone it seemed knew something was going on.

“Chiron, what-”

But Chiron was muttering to himself. “Curse the titans,” Chiron muttered under his breath. “They have tricked us again, given themselves another chance to control the prophecy.”

I tried again. “Chiron. What is going on?” I asked.

“The Fleece,” he said, worriedly. “The Fleece did its work too well.” He gestured ahead of us. We were just past Half-Blood Hill. A small crowd had started to gather by Ocean’s River. I expected to see the Fleece gone, but it was still there, floating on the clear blue surface of the saltwater river and glittering in the morning light like the river’s own personal sun.[13]

Chiron pushed our way to the front, shouting for people to make way. There at the riverbank was a boy. He was soaking wet and lying unconscious. Another boy in Greek armor was kneeling next to him.

I felt hope surge up in me like a balloon. Was the boy lying there Luke? Maybe Daddy had finally found him and pulled some strings. I squinted but between the fleece and the morning light, it was super bright out. I had to get a closer look.

I leapt off of the centaur. I ran toward the unconscious boy. Chiron said: “Andi, wait!”

I didn’t listen. The boy in Greek armor moved aside and from his glower I knew it was Nico. The balloon of hope expanded as I looked down at the unconscious boy.

And then the balloon popped. I sank to the ground. It wasn’t Luke.

I sniffled and tried not to cry. For a moment there I had been so jazzed and hopeful, but I couldn’t break down again. This strange boy needed me. I put my hand on his forehead. His skin was clammy and his fingertips were tinged blue with cold.

“He needs nectar and ambrosia,” I said trying to keep my voice steady. The crowd just stared at me and I frowned at them. I was keeping it together, why couldn’t they?

“Now!” I said forcefully with all the power I could muster.

Instantly, several boys rushed to obey. That was better.

I lifted the boy’s head into my lap and stared at him. He had messy black hair, olive skin, and classical features. Not anyone I’d call traditionally handsome and he was a bit short, but still.[14] He had lovely lips, so full. They trembled with cold like the rest of him and I wondered whether I should give him mouth to mouth. It wouldn’t be so bad with those lips. I bent over to get closer to them when suddenly the boy launched up and coughed.

He nearly took my head off as I lurched to avoid him. Then he fell back on my lap with so much force that it hurt.

I winced. Never mind about the lips, I decided. I glared at the boy, and found that his eyes were open. His irises were a soft sea green.

He stared up at me in bewilderment “Who—” but then he was coughing again and I helped him sit up. As he tried to get the water out of his system, I said “My name’s Andi. You’re safe now.”

“Bathtub…” he wheezed in response.

I patted his back. He must be delirious. “It’s alright,” I said, comfortingly.

“I was drowning.”

“You’re okay now,” I said, assuredly. “Can you tell me what your name is?”

The boy stared at me with those green eyes and then it all clicked. I understood what the Golden Fleece quest had really been about. It was all done it to ensure this moment—another chance to control the prophecy.

The boy opened his mouth and we both ended up talking at the same time.

“I’m Peter Johnson,” he said as I said, “The Son of Poseidon.”[15]

Footnotes

[1] This chapter title should be familiar. It’s the title of the epilogue chapter of PJO Sea of Monsters.

[2] We start as we mean to go on. Say hello to our Mary Sue everyone.

[3] I’m not sure where in camp they are supposed to be right now. There are no small ponds that I can think of in the canon, but I guess the authors wanted to do that iconic “Look at my reflection and describe myself scene” again. I assume they’re doing this ironically this time…but…this has happened at the start of every single story in this series, so it could also just be here for consistency.

[4] For ease of understanding, just switch Luke and Annabeth’s canon roles in your mind. Annabeth was the betrayer in Lightning Thief and is the older of the two. Luke was Andi’s companion and love interest during Lightning Thief. He was lost during the Scylla encounter in Sea of Monsters.

[5] I realize that “praisingly” isn’t a real word but I kept it in because this is just how Andi thinks.

[6] Yeah. Andi and Zeus have an unusually close relationship. It’s been like this ever since she was claimed.

[7] I’ve always imagined this was done Disney Hercules style.

[8] Yes, I also realize that “remindedly” isn’t a real word but again I kept it in because this is just how Andi thinks.

[9] See footnote 4.

[10] Yes. Nico is already at camp. Andi saved him and Bianca from the Lotus Hotel in Lightning Thief.

[11] This is the first time Andi has mentioned having dreams like this in the entire series. So, I assume she started having these dreams between the end of Sea of Monsters and this epilogue/prologue chapter.

[12] This seems important, but it doesn’t really amount to much in this story. All the same, I didn’t have the heart to scrap this dream sequence. I think it foreshadows how the authors intended to end this series. More on that later.

[13] Instead of Thalia’s tree, this version of camp has Ocean’s River. It’s a salt water river that encircles the camp like a moat.

[14] I’m going to contradict Andi. The girl's standards are too high. He sounds plenty cute if you ask me, but I think Andi is saying this because Peter is a “normal” kid instead of a perfect book character.

[15] Next chapter, we will be with Peter. Each chapter, we will be switching perspectives. Also, I know there were a lot of footnotes this chapter. It won’t always be like this. I promise.

Chapter Text

Chapter 1: I Think I’m In Heaven

(Peter)

It was a typical Saturday night for me. I sat in the darkness of my room staring at my computer and trying to ignore how hot it was. I had just finished posting my last chapter review of an abysmal self-insert crossover with Naruto, Harry Potter and of course Percy Jackson to my sporking blog.

Thank god.

Fics like “Gregoria Smyth and The Magical Hogwarts Café” were nothing I would choose to read in my free time. I mean the fic didn’t even have a proper summary it just said:

It’s too hard to explain, but I promise it’s good. Just read and review! OCXSasukeXNico, PercyXSakura, HarryXAnnabeth[1]

Hard to explain is right. I read it and I’m still not sure what the hell it was about. And Good? Good! Fuck. I question anyone who would define this shitty story as readable, let alone good.

But this was the type of “content” that I had to read for my blog sometimes. As long as it didn’t include HoO and was less than 40 chapters, I was bound to do what came my way on “Suggest a Spork Saturdays”. Even if those requests sometimes led me to some dark places. (I’m talking un-ironic tentacles, incest, domestic abuse, and that’s just the Japanese shit.)

Thankfully with my review done, I was able to read something good now if I could find it. I skimmed the selection. There were no new chapters from the authors I followed. And the PJO page was just filled with the usual (Luke death fics, son of Artemis stuff, Percy romances the goddess of the week, amateur one-shots, and a bunch of high school, college, and café AUs), but nothing caught my eye as terribly good or bad.

After a while, I said fuck it. It was late, like 3 am. So, I decided to call it a night.

Or at least I tried to. An hour later I was still awake thinking about that horrible crossover. Normally writing a review was enough to get a bad fic out if my system, but it had been the 5th mediocre fic I had read this week. And the last four hadn’t been on purpose. Frankly, I was getting tired of it.

The fic had just been so bad. Even without watching Naruto, I felt like I knew more about the show than the author did. Same went for Harry Potter. I wasn’t a fan of Harry Potter. I mean I really wasn’t a fan, but I had read the first book and I knew Harry didn’t say things like: totally dude. He was British, for fuck’s sake.

And then there was the way the author had portrayed Annabeth and Percy. I squeezed my eyes shut. Why could no one get Percy’s voice correct? Not even Rick could seem to get it right these days.[2]

That was the thought that got me out of bed and into the bathtub. I loved baths and water in general and that night I needed a good soak.

I knew I was overreacting. I was sure my blog would get lots of hits for this latest review. It had been doing well in general. This summer it was finally starting to get some real attention in the fandom. I should be happy that people were taking my opinion seriously and that I was able to direct my fans away from garbage and towards the quality fics. It felt good but it wasn’t enough.

I just felt like something was missing. This was nothing new. Ever since I finished the Last Olympian, I’d had this empty feeling inside. Nothing, not fanfics or any other book I tried to read measured up to PJO. I seriously doubted anything ever would.

I sighed and sunk deeper into the water so that it was even with my bottom lip. I wished for like the thousandth time that I could reread the series for the first time.

And that’s when things got weird. I guess I must have closed my eyes because the next thing I knew I was freezing and choking on salt water. I jerked up and hacked up the stuff with a mighty cough and then I landed back down on something soft that smelled like honeysuckle.

My eyes flew open and I found myself staring up at an angel. Blonde hair and the best rack I’d ever seen in real life this close up, it was a struggle to focus on her blue eyes which shone with concern. I tried to explain myself. Not that I had a good explanation. In the back of my mind, I was wondering if I had just drowned in my bathtub and gone to heaven.

The girl eased me into a sitting position. I told her my name and then she had said the magic words, “Son of Poseidon”

Suddenly, I was perfectly lucid. “What did you just say?”

The girl (what had she said her name was, Annie?) blushed and repeated, “You’re the son of Poseidon, right? The guy who almost died defeating a minotaur and was immortalized in this moat made by Poseidon himself.”

I just stared at her. As pretty as she was, she was making no goddamn sense.

“Is there something wrong with his memory,” the girl asked turning to look up at someone. I followed her gaze and found myself looking at a centaur. I blinked and blinked again, but the man horse was still there.

“He does look disorientated. Grover, Nico, help Peter up we have much to discuss,” the centaur said staring at me intently.

I just gaped at him. He was half-horse, what else was I supposed to do? Then a satyr and a gaunt looking boy helped me up. I stared at each of them. Hadn’t the horse called them, Grover and Nico?

Oh shit!

I almost fell back down. This couldn’t be happening. Me, Peter Johnson, was being led to Camp Half-Blood. I think I was crying.

Nico snorted.[3]

Grover just patted my arm. “There now Peter, it’ll be okay. Wait till we get some nectar in you.”

I nodded, unable to speak. Grover, the Grover, had just spoken to me. As we entered the Big House, I realized that I was right. I was in heaven.

Footnotes

[1] I looked it up. For better or worse “Gregoria Smyth and the Magical Hogwarts Café” doesn’t exist. The closest match was on AO3 and is called “Christmas Calendar: JIKOOK” which to me seems totally unrelated.

[2] Considering when this fic takes place (early 2010s) and what I know about Peter, I assume he’s talking about Son of Neptune.

[3] We will talk more about Nico next chapter.

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Chapter 2: The New Kid Is A Total Weirdo

(Andi)

I had followed Grover and Nico to the Big House as they half-carried the strange boy. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t just give Peter some nectar by the river. Grover had gotten some but Chiron had said to go to the Big House, so here we were.

The boy was drinking his nectar and looking around the place like he was in a candy store. Now that he was feeling better, he was super smiley. He shot me a smile and my stomach flipped. He had a nice smile.

Chiron arrived after us. He was back in his wheelchair. The boy immediately walked over to meet him without giving me a second glance. I frowned and went over to them, Grover and Nico behind me.

“Peter,” Chiron began sagely, “I know you must have many questions but first I have some questions for you.”

Peter nodded enthusiastically.

“Kiss up,” Nico muttered, darkly.[1]

I shot him a look. Nico actually ignored me. He was too busy looking at Peter like he was dirt. And there was nothing dirty about Peter. He was kind of cute and that smile...

I was pulled out of my thoughts about Peter’s looks when he began to answer Chiron’s questions, “I’m sorry, but I don’t remember anything. As far as I know, I was teleported from my bathtub to that river. How long has that river been here anyway?”

Chiron nodded sagely, “I see. Well, Peter, I can only hope your memory comes back with time. In the meantime, why don’t you have Andi here show you around.”

Chiron gestured over to me and I smiled.

Peter glanced at me, but then he focused on Grover of all people. “I was actually wondering if Grover could show me around.” He looked back at me. “No offense, Annie. I just—”

“My name is Andi,” I corrected him, coldly.

“Oh? Sorry. I was only half-awake when you said it that first time. I’m Peter.”

“I know,” I said, shortly. Had he really forgotten my name? And he chose Grover over me. I take back the cute comment. The new kid was a total weirdo.

“Maybe he’s gay. Either that or he’s blind,” Nico hissed, maliciously.[2]

I turned to him, shocked. That was taking it a bit far. “Nico!” I hissed. “Shame on you.”

Nico blushed, “Sorry. I just—” Nico stared at the ground ashamed. Just because Peter was weird didn’t mean he was gay or blind.[3] I mean he couldn’t be blind. He was still looking at everything like a kid in a candy store.

“You should know better,” I lectured Nico.

Nico continued to stare at the ground like he was angry at it.

I frowned confusedly.

Nico had been moody since Bianca had interrupted our quest earlier this summer to tell me that she was joining Artemis’s hunters which meant she had forsaken all men which included her twin brother.[4] Back when it happened, Nico had cried about it and stuff. Now he had this bad boy edge that was far too alluring at times. Sometimes, though, I missed the old sweet Nico. The old Nico would never say stuff in that malicious tone.

Before I could say more, Grover asked, “Andi, you wanna come with us?” He was standing by the doorway. Peter had already gone outside.

I glanced at Nico. Maybe I should stay with him, but then Nico whispered, “You should go.”

“Are you sure?” I asked, questioningly.

Nico nodded. I couldn’t see his eyes but I thought he might be crying. He probably wanted some alone time.

“I’ll catch up with you later,” I promised, heartfeltly.

Nico nodded again and I left him to follow Grover and the new kid. I figured at least they would be in a good mood, but when I got outside, Peter’s smile was gone and he was frowning, confusedly.

Seeing him like that made me think that he might be older than I thought he was. Peter was short, like barely taller than me and I was petite, so I had assumed he was close to Nico’s age.[5] But seeing him look all serious now, I realized he must be around my age or older. I wondered what that would mean for the great prophecy.

“Run that by me again, Grover,” Peter said, insistently.

Grover looked confused. “I said that Annabeth is missing. She left last summer.”

“And Luke?”

Grover said sadly, “He’s gone too. He went looking for me and…”

“But, that’s not right,” Peter said, argumentatively.

“What’s not right?” I asked, adding myself into the conversation.

Peter looked up at me and bestowed a relieved smile on me. “Grover here says that Luke and Annabeth are gone, but he got the order wrong. Luke should have left first, not Annabeth. In fact…” Peter stopped to think. “If anything, Annabeth should be here. I mean that moat is definitely new. Did she design it?”

Grover looked uncomfortable. He appealed to me.

Peter was deep in thought and biting his lip. I had to do something. “Look, you lost your memory, remember?”

Peter gave me a strange look.

“I mean a lot has happen since you were turned into a river. Even though the fleece healed you—”

“Wait what?” Suddenly the new kid was very pale. “You used the golden fleece?”

“Yeah. Nico and I got it after we saved Grover from a Cyclops in the Sea of Monsters. Why?” I looked at Peter curiously.

“What…did you say your name was,” Peter said, scaredly.[6]

I groaned. Seriously? “It’s Andi,” I repeated, feeling very annoyed. Peter was awfully forgetful. How hard was it to remember a name like Andi? Literally, everyone else did.

Peter licked his luscious lips. “No, I mean, what’s your full name?”

Oh! Well that was a little better. “I go by Andi, but you’re right, it’s just a nickname. My full name is Andromeda Sunshine. I’m—”

I didn’t say anything else because Peter had collapsed onto the ground. The weirdo had fainted.

Footnotes

[1] I’ll let Andi explain Nico’s attitude. She does so later in this chapter.

[2] So, I considered taking this line out. I really did. Because it’s rude and politically insensitive, but I think that’s the point. Nico is jealous. The authors might also be poking fun, since Nico is canonically gay himself. Though, in this series, Nico has a thing for Andi, so his sexuality is less clear here.

[3] I have no excuse for Andi’s less than charming reaction. I will just say that her beliefs are not mine. Loving who you want is not weird in the least.

[4] This happened towards the end of Sea of Monsters. During their fight with Polyphemus the cyclops, they get an Iris message from Bianca. This was one of many. She’d been sending messages over the course of the book. So far in this fic series, Bianca has been characterized as having a brother complex and hating Andi. In the message, Bianca announces Nico was a fool to choose Andi over her and that he does not deserve his sister's love anymore, so she was joining the Hunters and forsaking all men as sort of a big screw you. Nico took this very hard. His emotional outburst creates a fissure in the ground which sends the cyclops to the underworld and ends the fight.

[5] So, ages: In this fic series, the prophecy will come true when someone turns 17 instead of the canon 16.

Nico is 12. Andi is 15. Peter is also 15 or at least, he is in this world. I have more than once wondered about Peter’s age.

[6] Again. I know. But it’s how she thinks.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3: I Think I’m In Hell

(Peter)

When I woke up, a part of me actually hoped that I would be back in my bathroom. At least there, things made sense. But then I saw the sky-blue eyes of wait for it…Andromeda Sunshine.[1]

Gag.

And I knew I wasn’t so lucky.

This time, Andromeda looked more annoyed than concerned, “Why did you faint like that?” she asked, “I just told you my name.”

I nodded and sat up.

Andromeda was watching me cautiously like I might explode. I looked around. A few kids were milling about but no one stopped to investigate the new camper who had just fainted. Fainted! I have literally never fainted in my fucking life, but I wasn’t even sorry.

“Grover went to go get the smelling salts,” Andromeda said.

I glanced at her.

She was wrinkling her nose. It was a cute nose, but the mere fact I noticed the cuteness of her nose was a problem. Her presence was a problem. It meant that I wasn’t in the world of Percy Jackson and the Olympians. I was in a fanfic and judging from what I just heard, I was in a bad one. I mean “Fucking Sunshine? Are you serious?”

“Excuse me!” she said, affronted. “Language!”[2]

Fuck. Had I just said that out loud?

“And I am serious,” she added. “I don’t like smelling salts either, but they do work.”

“No,” I said, studying her now. The blonde hair and that perfect face and body. No wonder. She wasn’t some hot angel. This girl was a Mary Sue if ever I saw one. I felt myself shiver.

“Are you cold?” she asked, “Do you need me to hug you for warmth?”

Yup. Definitely a Sue. The feeling of distaste grew stronger. I swallowed and said, “I need you to answer some questions.”

The Sue hesitated. “I don’t know. The last time I did that you fainted.”

“This. Is. Important,” I said stressing each word.

“There’s no need to use that tone,” she said. She looked like she might cry.

Fuck. Was she upset with me for being serious instead of praising her or whatever? It was no use. She wouldn’t be any help. I stood up. “Never mind. I’ll just go find out for myself.”

I stormed away from Miss Sunshine and made my way to Cabin 3. I knew Annabeth and Luke were gone, but there was still a small chance Percy was here. I opened the cabin door, bracing myself.

As I feared, the cabin was neat and clean. If Percy had been here, this cabin would be a mess. I turned around in frustration and ran right into the Sue.

“Oh My!” she cried.

I immediately took a step back. I wasn’t interested in bumping into Mary Sues.

“Do you not like your new cabin?” she asked.

I shook my head. “Leave me alone.”

The Sue stared at me. “What’s wrong?”

I glared at her, “What’s wrong? What’s wrong?! I’ll tell you what’s fucking wrong! I thought I had entered PJO heaven, but now I find myself in fucking hell. You probably don’t even know who the fuck Percy Jackson is.”

Andi wrinkled her nose again. “You really shouldn’t swear. It’s very rude.”

“I don’t fucking care,” I said, starting to move past her. I had no idea where I was going. I just needed to get away from her. It just figured. This was what I got for reading all those shitty fics. Maybe if I had been more of a snob and stuck to the canon. I would be there instead of…

“Also, I do know who Percy Jackson is.”

“Wait!” I said, turning back to her, “Seriously!”

“Yeah…” she said. “I’m pretty sure I do. I think he’s in the Hermes cabin?”

I didn’t wait for her to say more, I sprinted towards Cabin 11.

Footnotes

[1] I should point out that Peter does not seem to remember his review of “Andromeda Sunshine and the Lightning Thief.” I’m guessing he made his review a long time ago as there is quite a bit of time between the Lightning Thief fic and this one. Plus, he himself said the fic was forgettable.

[2] I believe Andi is upset because the Lighting Thief and Sea of Monsters fics were rated T/ PG-13 and had little to no swearing.

Chapter Text

Chapter 4: Thalia And Drew Sleep Too Much

(Andi)

I chased after the new kid as he ran past people to the Hermes Cabin. I couldn’t figure him out. He swore like a sailor and he was super moody: Happy, one moment and sad or mean the next. Maybe he hit his head when he came out of the river or something? Or maybe he was always like this: taciturn and unpredictable, like the sea. I was not sure I liked it but I couldn’t look away. It was…fascinating, like the sea.

I watched as he yanked open the cabin door to the Hermes Cabin. There were still a bunch of campers asleep. I guess it was still pretty early.

Peter ignored the groaning and insults as he scanned the sleeping rolls.

“Um, Peter…” I said from behind him.

He didn’t seem to hear me because he practically shouted, “Is Percy Jackson here?”

One of the Stroll brothers glared at him and said, “You just missed him. He’s out training in the arena.”

With that Peter was gone. Great golly gosh, he was fast, especially considering how short he was. I turned to chase after him but then someone hissed, “Don’t you dare leave without closing the door.”

I looked back. All I saw were red eyes under the darkness of a cover.

Oh my.

I carefully and quietly closed the door. Then I ran to the arena like the Stoll brother had said. When I got there though, there was no Peter to be seen.

“Fiddlesticks,” I said, frustratedly. I had lost him.

“Looking for someone?”

I turned and frowned. It was Thalia Grace, head counselor for the Ares cabin, and Drew Tanaka, head counselor for the Aphrodite cabin.[1] The two of them made a screwy pair, but they were best friends and together they were the queens of mean.[2]

Thalia had almost stolen my quest to save Grover and she had given me such a hard time during my first summer. She was one of the last people I wanted to see.[3] I did not want to see Drew either.

“Like, it’s only been like a couple of days and you’re like rebounding with like that new boy. That’s like a new low,” Drew said.[4]

“What! I’m not rebounding,” I cried.

“Like what—eh-veer,” Drew said, rolling her eyes and giving Thaila a look.

The daughter of Ares smiled at me. “It’s like Drew said. Everyone has noticed you chasing after that new kid. What’s his deal? People say his dad is one of the Big Three.”

“Weren’t you two there this morning?” I asked, confusedly.

Drew scoffed. “Um…like beauty sleep?”

“You guys were asleep?” I asked, unimpressedly. I was always surprised what people could sleep through.

Thalia’s cheeks went a little red as she glared at me. It looked like I had made her mad.

 “Look never mind,” I said. I didn’t really care about their sleeping habits.[5] “I gotta go find Peter.”

“Hold it,” Thalia said, accusingly. “You didn’t answer my question.”

“I don’t have to answer any of your questions,” I said, smartly.

Thalia got out her spear, “You’re right. You don’t have to say anything.” She jabbed her spear at me.

I dodged and said, complainingly, “Heavens to Betsy, Thalia. I really don’t have time for this.”

“Like, make time!” Drew said, annoyingly.

Thalia took another swing at me as Drew cheered her on.

“Okay, fine,” I said, giving in. The new kid would have to wait.

Footnotes

[1] Thalia has been around since Lightning Thief. As Andi is the daughter of Zeus, I assume the author wanted to give Thalia a new god parent and thought Thalia was better than Clarisse, so she gave Thalia Clarisse’s spot. It’s basically the same thing for Drew. There is no Silena.

[2] Screwy…I know Andi just means odd, but that’s not what I see. ;)

[3] So yeah, Andi got the quest in Sea of Monsters. Nico, not Thalia, helped Andi summon a ship of dead soldiers for them to sail with.

[4] I like realize there are like too many like likes in Drew’s speech. I like considered like fixing it but I found it like way too funny and like nostalgic, so like deal?

[5] Well, I do. I ship it in the other installments as well, but this whole exchange is what confirms them as a couple in my mind.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5: I Meet the Percy Jackson

(Peter)

As I left the Hermes cabin, I quickly looked around and I was glad I did because I saw a familiar head of hair. Percy Jackson! It had to be and he wasn’t anywhere near the arena. Instead, he was heading east towards Canoe Lake.

My gods, I couldn’t believe this was happening! I was going to meet Percy Jackson!

I ran after him. Percy Jackson stopped at the lake shore. He shrugged off his shirt and kicked off his shoes. Then he jumped into the water with a splash. I got to the shore moments later, but I hesitated.

I was a good swimmer. I was part of the swim team at my school and had won my fair share of races. But still, I preferred warm water and the lake was bound to be freezing. I considered running after him along the river bank that led to the ocean, but what if I lost him? I was a much faster swimmer than a runner.

God Damn it.

I was just standing here as my childhood idol was getting away from me. I jerked off my shirt, socks and shoes.[1] Then I jumped in after Percy Jackson.

Freezing didn’t even cover it. It was cold as balls. I felt my body seize up as I sank into the water. I was numb by the time I struggled to the surface. With a gasp, I began swimming towards Percy Jackson in earnest.

Percy Jackson swam like a fucking fish. It took everything I had to just keep up. He swam all the way to the Long Beach Sound. I was relieved when he finally stopped and turned around. Our eyes met and then he dove under the water again.

I nearly choked as I groaned in frustration. But luckily, Percy Jackson was now making his way to the beach. When he got out, he waved, and I forced myself to move.

An eternity later, I was out of the water. My muscles immediately began to ache. I felt cold and tingly, like when your foot falls asleep and you try to wake it up. I swear that feeling is worse than actual pain.

But it was all worth it because I was standing in front of the Percy Jackson. I smiled and said, “Hey.”

“Hey,” he said with interest. Percy Jackson was interested in meeting me! “You’re the new kid, right? Son of Poseidon? I heard some campers talking about it.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s me,” I said. My expression soured a bit. I wasn’t supposed to be the son of Poseidon. He was.

He stuck out his hand, “I’m Percy.”

I shook his hand. I actually shook Percy Jackson’s hand.

Fuck yes!

I maybe shook it a little too much, because after a bit, he pulled his hand out of my grasp with noticeable effort.

“So,” he said, “What’s your name?”

“Peter Johnson,”

“Oh? That’s um…”

“What Mr. D calls you sometimes. I know.”

Percy Jackson stared at me. I realized how crazy that sounded. I was acting like an idiot. I tried to play it off. “I mean, he’s always messing up people’s names, right?”

“Yeah…” he said slowly, “Have we met before?”

I shook my head. I wish.

“You look…” his eyebrows came together. “You look like me.”

I beamed. “I know right?”

Now Percy Jackson was full-on frowning at me. I had officially creeped him out. Fuck.

“Uh...Peter,” he said.

I focused on him. These next moments were crucial. He asked, “Do you know something that I should know?”

I opened my mouth but stopped. I’d already fucked up twice. I needed to think. But how could I think with Percy Jackson standing there just how I always imagined him. Well, he was actually taller than I expected, but still. The messy hair, olive skin and sea green eyes were all like mine. This was the Percy Jackson.

“Peter?” he said again.

“Oh right, um…Mary... I mean Andi said you were in the Hermes cabin.”

He nodded, “Yeah, I’m not a son of Hermes though, if that’s what you’re asking.” His face twisted into something dark. “I’m unclaimed.”

“Oh,” I said, feeling dumb. Of course, he was unclaimed. We were in a fanfic land and from the way that Mary Sue had talked about him, it was clear Percy Jackson was some sort of minor character.

“Why?” he said. “Do you know who my father is? Are you secretly my brother or something?”

Me? Brothers with Percy Jackson? I struggled not to smile like a complete idiot. I had had that daydream before. Way too many times.

Percy Jackson’s frown deepened.

I swallowed and laughed nervously. “Sorry, it’s hard to explain, but…”

To my immense relief, his face cleared, “Oh! I get it now. There’s a prophecy, right? About me?”

“Uh…” he wasn’t incorrect, but…

Percy Jackson added, “Luke explained this type of thing to me. You don’t have to say anything else.”

“Luke?”

“Yeah, he’s a son of Apollo.[2] He’s a really cool guy, but he’s gone missing. He didn’t come back from his last mission. A lot of us miss him. It was hard losing him especially with Annabeth being gone too.” Percy Jackson shook his head.

I just stared at him. I had no idea what he was talking about. The timeline in this fic was all fucked up. I was here seemingly standing in for Percy Jackson as the son of Poseidon, while the Sue, judging by her stupid name, replaced Thalia. And Thalia. Wait a second. Thalia.

“Hey…um…Percy,” I had to bite down to not say his last name. “Do you know who Thalia Grace is?”

Percy Jackson made a face. “Yeah, she’s the head counselor of the Ares cabin. I saw her heading to the arena earlier. That’s actually why I decided on a swim this morning. She’s…well…most Ares kids aren’t very nice.”

“But what about Clarisse?”

“Who?”

I shook my head. No Clarisse? Well, that was a change I could sort of get behind.

“Look Peter, if it’s okay with you, I’m going to finish my swim, since whatever it is you want to tell me seems to be a secret anyway.” Percy Jackson headed back towards the water.

“Wait,” I said, “Do you think we could maybe hang out later?”

Percy Jackson turned. He looked at me for a long time.

I fidgeted, knowing I had kind of fucked up this entire conversation.[3] 

Finally, he shrugged. “Sure. I was going to do some combat practice right after lunch. Do you want to do a round?”

“I…Uh…yeah! That’d be great!”

“Cool. See you later.” Percy Jackson jumped into the water and was gone.

I headed to the arena with a huge smile on my face. Hell had benefits after all.

Footnotes

[1] It’s never really stated, but I guess Peter appeared at camp, fully clothed. I imagine him wearing a fan-made camp shirt.

[2] This is one of the major changes made in the Lightning Thief fic. I’m guessing it was done for four reasons:

1. Apollo is often compared to Luke as far as looks go.
2. It takes away Luke’s daddy issues by giving him a different dad.
3. It gives Luke a cool new set of powers.
4. Lastly, and this is the biggest guess of all, I suspect the author thought that being a son of Apollo, God of the Sun and Music was a great deal sexier than being a son of the God of Mail. No offense Hermes!

[3] I want to be hard on Peter for being such a fanboy and a kiss-up…but in his situation of meeting a childhood idol, I do not think I would fare any better. And he’s still less creepy than some Regency era isekai heroines who stalk and badger poor Jane Austen.

Chapter Text

Chapter 6: Boys Like Big Swords

(Andi)

I beat Thalia with my trusty mini master bolt and my heart shield.[1] Neither Thalia or Drew had ever been on a quest, so they weren’t as good as they thought they were. Even with her new war spear, Thalia was still just Thalia.

After their defeat, Thalia and Drew were forced to run away. Another day’s work done. Now I just needed to find Peter.

Or not…

Because Goody! There he was, strolling into the arena with a huge grin on his face and a bronze sword.[2]

“Hey!” I called out to him, “Where’d you go?”

Peter didn’t look up at me, he just walked into the center of the arena and started swinging his sword around.

I tried again. “Um excuse me? Peter?”

This time he looked up, but when he saw me, I could have sworn he scowled. Then he looked away and began swinging his sword again.

I was surprised to find that he was horrible at it. He was just flailing about, even worse than most of the new campers. It was funny, like really funny. I started to giggle. Then when he tripped over himself, I burst into laughter.

Peter looked up and glared at me. His cheeks were red. “Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“Not really,” I said happily.

Peter sighed and said, “Look, I get you’re a Mary Sue but—”

“Mary Sue?” I asked, annoyedly. Really? That wasn’t even close to my name. “My name is Andi.”

He grunted. “Yeah whatever, sure.”

“It’s Andi,” I said more fiercely. “Short for Andromeda Sunshine.”

Peter coughed. “Right. Miss Sunshine then,” he said gruffly, “I realize that you’re used to people falling over themselves to please you, but I’m not doing that. I’m not interested in you. I don’t want to be friends and it’s not because I’m playing hard to get or being tsundere or whatever. You’re just not my type. So, let’s just ignore one another and stay out of each other’s way.”

With that, Peter went back to practicing.

Maybe Nico was right. Maybe he was gay. I mean not that a guy would have to be gay to not like me, but well, he was nice to Grover of all people. Even I barely tolerated Grover.

Well, it didn’t matter. Even if he thought Grover was more attractive than me, it didn’t mean I couldn’t help him. He definitely needed it. I walked towards him and said, “I don’t think we should do that. I can help you.” With sudden feeling, I added, “We should be friends.”

“No!” he said through gritted teeth. “I. Do. Not. Want. To. Be. Friends. So. Fuck. Off.” With each word, he swung his sword. He nearly toppled over twice.

I could not stop myself from giggling again. Not even his potty mouth could upset me. It was just too funny. It always tickled me when boys tried to act tougher than they were.

After I could breathe again, I asked, “Why are you using that sword anyway? Why not ask your dad for something more appropriate?”

Peter just grunted.

I sighed. I guess Peter and his dad weren’t on good terms yet. I didn’t understand it. Daddy and I had a great relationship. Sometimes I wondered if the other demigods just weren’t trying hard enough.

“I’ll be back,” I told him.

He grunted again in response. He was probably getting tired of swinging that sword and didn’t want to admit it.

I smiled as I left for the forge. Peter might talk like he didn’t want to be my friend or have my help, but he was just being a boy. He was too proud to ask, but Peter obviously needed help and my friendship too. He couldn’t use a sword. He was super moody and mean. Who else would be his friend?

It was up to me. I needed to make him act more like he had in the Big House. I could do this. I would bring back his smile and fix him.

I entered the forge with a spring in my step and was greeted by Charles Beckondorf, the head counselor of the Hephaestus cabin.

“Hey, Andi. Do you need a new container for your bolt?”

“No, the one you made me is working fine.” I lifted up my necklace to show him.

After I had recovered the master bolt, Daddy had given a small piece of it to me which I used as a spear. Its essence was contained in a special locket design by Charles Beckondorf as part of a special quest of his. The locket was heart shaped, imbued with magic, and had a bunch of small whirling gears. It matched my wrist activated heart shield which Hephaestus had made for me himself.

I added, “I’m actually looking for a weapon for the new kid, Peter?”

“Oh him? He just walked out of the armory with Riptide. I tried to explain it was too big, but he said he was sure it would be perfectly balanced for him.” He shook his head. “Some things have to be experienced. He’ll be back.”

“Well, maybe I could speed things along? Otherwise, he might hurt himself,” I said convincingly.

“I don’t usually like to pick out weapons without the person present,” he began hesitantly.

I pouted at him. “Please Becky~”[3]

He blushed and said shyly, “Oh alright, just this once. Come on.”[4] He led me to the armory and we looked at weapons. One of the short swords caught my eye. The hilt was the usual golden color, but the blade was white and two thirds of the way up, it split in two so that it had both a standard point and a curved part, like a sickle.

“What’s this?” I asked picking the sword up. It gleamed in the light and it was translucent. It reminded me of white quartz.

“That’s a replica of Harpe. The original belonged to Perseus,” Becky said.[5]

“It’s so pretty,” I said, admiringly.

“It is,” Becky agreed. “The blade is made of adamantine.[6] It’s super strong and quite rare.”

I stared at the blade and nodded. “Peter will love it.” How could he not? “I’ll get him to exchange it for Riptide.”

“Alright. Whichever, blade he chooses bring the other one back to me,” Becky said.

“Of course, Becky,” I said with a smile and then I ran back to the arena.

Grover had finally showed up again. He and Peter were chatting. I still couldn’t believe how well they got along, but I wasn’t jealous. Grover was my friend, technically. Maybe he could help me fix Peter. I put on my best smile and joined them. “Hey guys,” I said, cheerfully.

Grover smiled at me. “Hi Andi.”

Peter did not look at me or say anything.

I tried not to let it get to me and said, coaxingly. “I got you something, Peter.”

Peter did not move until Grover nudged him.

I smiled even wider and held out Harpe. “It’s a new sword.”

Peter’s mouth opened wide and his eyebrows went up in shock. “What sort of fanfic concoction is that?” he asked shockedly.

Fanfic? Was he so surprised that he was making up words?

“Um…I don’t know, but Becky said Perseus used a blade like this,” I said, helpfully.

“Becky?” He looked to Grover.

“She means Charles Beckondorf, he’s—”

“I know who he is,” Peter said, rudely. He stared at the beautiful sword and then me. I could tell he was interested. He had to be, but then he shook his head. “I’ll be keeping Riptide.” He looked fondly down at his ugly boring oversized sword.

“But Becky said that Riptide was too big for you,” I argued, “This will work better.” I angled Harpe so it caught the light. “Plus, it’s so pretty and…majestic…yeah…see how majestic it is. So much more majestic than that plain sword you have.”

“If you like your majestic sword so much, why don’t you fucking use it,” Peter snarled, rudely.

“I would,” I said, honestly, “but I already have my mini master bolt, so don’t worry, Harpe is all yours.” I offered it to him again.

Instead of looking overjoyed about my generous offer, Peter looked even meaner than before. This was silly. He was being so stubborn about this. 

I was about to tell him to stop being so shy and just take the superior sword, when Grover said, “You should at least try the other sword, Peter. Heroes bond with their weapons. If you’re having trouble with Riptide, then it might not be the sword for you. It could be waiting for another hero.”

“Another hero,” Peter echoed. He nodded. “Fine. I had my fun I guess.” He gave me Riptide and took Harpe.

I tried not to be annoyed that he had listened to Grover and not me.

But then Peter said, “It’s so light.” And all was forgiven.

I smiled as Peter’s face lit up and he swung the new sword around.

There! See! I was right and I was helping! Way more than Grover. He hadn’t given Peter a cool new light sword. I had. I would have Peter back to being that happy boy in the Big House in no time. “That’s the spirit,” I told Peter, cheerfully, “I’ll go return this,” I held up Riptide, “to Becky.”

Peter didn’t quite look at me. Though he did give Riptide one last longing look before I left.

I couldn’t understand how he could be so attached to a boring old sword that wasn’t at all suited to him. Maybe he just thought, despite its faults that the bigger sword was somehow cooler. Only a boy would think something like that, but it was as Daddy said boys will be boys, I guess. And underneath his rough exterior and weirdness, Peter Johnson was just another boy.

Right now, he was acting out, but I was sure with the power of friendship, he and I would become the bestest of friends.

Footnotes

[1] Andi was rewarded with a sliver of the master bolt at the end of Lightning Thief. She got her heart shield during the Sea of Monsters fic.

[2] Judging by the fact that Andi doesn’t mention Peter being wet and shirtless, I assume Peter retrieved his clothes and had time to dry off. After all, he had enough time to grab a sword. Consequently, this means that Andi’s fight with Thalia went on for quite a while. I can only imagine what that looked like.

[3] Yeah. Andi has always called Charles, Becky. I don’t know. It’s just a thing.

[4] And yes, Charles has a crush on Andi. Almost all of the male campers do.

[5] Fact checking: Yes, Perseus did use a harpe sword.

[6] Adamantine is like some sort of mystical diamond metal, so I bet the sword is quite flashy.

Chapter Text

Chapter 7: Percy Jackson Refuses to Kick My Butt

(Peter)

I met with Percy Jackson after lunch, much to Miss Sunshine’s surprise. Typical Sue. She thought the world revolved around her. She had been so annoyed when Percy Jackson and I headed off to the arena and I refused to take a hint and invite her along. But that’s what she got for completely ignoring what I had told her before.

I hadn’t expected my speech to work, but I had to try. I had no intention of getting cozy with Miss Sunshine even though she was hot and smelled good and had given me Harpe which despite its obnoxious magical girl appearance, was actually very easy to use.[1]

 None of that shit mattered, because Andromeda Sunshine was a Mary Sue and Mary Sues were fucking dangerous. I didn’t want my entire personality to be warped for the sake of shipping.

Plus, Annabeth, aka Best Girl, existed in this world and she was worth a million Sues. I just hoped she was alright. People kept saying she was lost or missing but no one would say how or why it had happened.

“So,” Percy Jackson said, breaking into my thoughts.

I looked up at him.

“Why didn’t you invite Andi to join us?”

“Why would I?” I snapped.

Percy Jackson just looked at me.

I sighed. “I don’t like her. The less I see of her, the better.”

“Really?” he asked. “Most guys can’t stop thinking about her.”

“I bet,” I grumbled. I continued in a louder voice, “She’s not my type. I prefer…intellectual girls,” who aren’t Mary Sues, girls like Annabeth.

Instead of responding, Percy Jackson gestured at the arena. We had just arrived. “It’s empty,” he said excitedly, “Come on.”

We each headed towards the center and then took positions across from each other. Percy Jackson pulled out a long sword from off of his back. The hilt made a cross with the blade as the fourth direction. All three ends of the hilt split and forked out like a snake tongue.

Percy Jackson held out the sword and squatted down into a fighting stance. Then he said, “I’m ready, when you are.”

I gulped.

Earlier, I had considered telling him that all I wanted to do was talk and that I sucked at sword fighting. But when I met him after lunch, he had a gleam in his eye that was hard to ignore. I mean I was excited too. I was facing Percy Jackson, the guy who once bested the god of war in a fight. It was awesome. And terrifying. But mostly awesome.

And I was basically slated to take his place in the narrative. The least I could do would be to attempt to show him that I was worthy. So, I tried to copy him and squatted a bit with Harpe in my hand. “I’m ready.”

He didn’t hesitate. He lunged forward and swung for my neck.

Shit!

His blade stopped, inches from my skin.

Percy Jackson’s eyebrows furrowed and he lowered his sword. “Ah…” he said regretfully, “I thought your stance was weird. You don’t have any training, do you? Why did you agree to fight me?”

“I…” I stammered, “Well you invited me so…”

He shook his head, “I could have hurt you. We were both using real swords, you know.”

“Yeah… I just…”

“You just what?”

“I just want to be friends,” I said lamely.

Percy Jackson gave me a sardonic smile. “Peter, you just told me a few minutes ago that you didn’t want to hang out with Andi, even though she is the daughter of Zeus, our best fighter, a total sweetheart, and the prettiest girl in camp. And now you’re saying that instead you want to be friends with me, some unclaimed Hermes kid who spends way too much time in the water?” He shook his head. “I know we already agreed that it’s prophecy related, but still, you’re a crazy guy, Peter.”

I shrugged. What could I say?

He leaned back onto his sword and said, “But, I’m not insane. I can’t fight an amateur. I could kill you.”

“Oh…” I said. Somehow, I was disappointed that he didn’t want to carve me up. How fucked up was that?

“Do you want me to help you train instead?”

“What?! Yes! Fuck Yes!” I said, breaking into a huge smile.

He smiled back. “Okay then. Let’s start with your stance.”

Percy Jackson spent the rest of the afternoon with me, showing me the basics. It was hard and made me glad I had returned Riptide. There was no way I could have done all this practice with that heavy sword.

At one point, Miss Sunshine stopped by and stared at us, “You two look like family,” she said.

“Technically we’re all family,” Percy Jackson replied.

“Hmm….” she said as she gave him an appraising look. “You better be careful with Peter. He’s new.”

“Of course,” he said.

Miss Sunshine continued to scrutinize him. It took over 20 minutes to get her to leave. I couldn’t believe her. Who did she think she was? My fucking mom?

When I finally got rid of her, Percy Jackson gave me a mocking look.

I groaned. “Look. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I didn’t say anything,” he said, trying to look innocent.

“Let’s just get back to training,” I grumbled.

“Sure thing,” he said, but I could hear the suppressed laughter in his voice.

The afternoon went by fast, but I was happy. After a roller coaster of a day, I was ready to call this experience a win.

Dinner came and I sat at the Poseidon table while Percy Jackson joined the Hermes table. He sat there fairly quietly as the other campers joked around. And I felt guilty. He didn’t belong there.

“Hey, Peter.”

I turned and stifled another groan as I saw that it was Miss Sunshine again. What part of “stay out of each other’s way” did she not understand?

Because I had learned from this afternoon that ignoring her didn’t work, I said, “What do you fucking want?”

She wrinkled her nose, but didn’t comment on my “language” this time. Instead, she smiled like the Cheshire cat and said, “Are you sure you don’t want to sit with me at the Zeus table? It must be lonely being here all by yourself.”

“I’m fine.”

She frowned and said, “If you’re sure.”

“I am,” I said tersely. “Go the fuck away.”

“Alright, maybe next time then.”

I concentrated on my food and to my relief, she left.

The next time I dared to look up, I saw her with Nico and Grover at her table. I don’t know why Nico was allowed to sit with her.[2] Actually, I did. She was a fucking Mary Sue, but it was still weird.

Nico noticed me looking and glared at me. I actually felt a chill go down my spine. Even without my new policy to avoid Miss Sunshine, that look was enough to make me keep my distance. For being just a kid, the son of Hades was damn scary.

I went back to my food and started thinking about safer topics, specifically Percy Jackson. He was pretty similar to the canon Percy Jackson though he did seem a little sensitive about being unclaimed, but I guess that wasn’t surprising.[3]

Most unclaimed demigods were sensitive about the topic. Ensuring that demigods got claimed had been the reward for winning the war in the Last Olympian after all. And it really wasn’t fair. I was willing to bet that the reason why Percy Jackson hadn’t been claimed was because he was still Poseidon’s son. This backwards Sue fic just hadn’t acknowledged it yet, since I, for whatever reason, was now Poseidon’s son too.

Or at least, people thought I was Poseidon’s son. I hadn’t really demonstrated any cool powers yet and I couldn’t even fight. If a quest popped up, I’d be fucked. People died all the time in PJO books and I wasn’t in the mood to test how thick my plot armor was. Hell, I had almost died just today, right here in camp. I was a nobody compared to Percy Jackson whether he was claimed or not. If only…

An idea formed in my head. Percy Jackson had been pushed into the background, but if I could trigger something like getting him claimed, then maybe I could push him back into the narrative where he belonged. Then I could avoid any deadly quests, and possibly even wake up.

Because as cool as this all was (and it was supremely awesome), I was beginning to think about the big questions like ‘what happened if I died here?’ ‘Why was I here?’ ‘How was I here?’ And most importantly, ‘how could I get home if I wanted to?’

After dinner, we had a camp fire. I let Grover and Nico flank Miss Sunshine while I went over to sit with Percy Jackson.

“Hey,” I said, sitting down.

Percy Jackson nodded. “Hi.”

“You said you were unclaimed, right?”

“Yeah?” He gave me a weird look.

“Well, I think I can help with that.”

He raised his eyebrows. “Really?” he said. I could hear the doubt in his voice.

I looked Percy Jackson straight in the eye and said, “Yes.”

He grinned and asked, “What do I have to do?”

Footnotes

[1] Now that I think about it, I bet Harpe looks like She-Ra’s sword + a sickle attachment. It does sound extra.

[2] This fic takes place before Trials of Apollo came out, so Peter couldn’t know that Nico would eventually get to sit with his boyfriend, Will Solace, in a similar manner.

[3] This might just be me, but I disagree with Peter. This Percy acts a bit more mature than I’m used to, so when I first read this story, I thought that Percy must be older. More on this later.

Chapter Text

Chapter 8: Grover Is Not A Spy, But If He Was A Spy, He Would Be A Bad One

(Andi)

Even for a boy, Peter was a total weirdo. I couldn’t believe that he wanted to hang out with Percy more than me. I knew most of the boys at camp, but I’d never really talked to Percy. He had never sent me a love letter and I was glad because he kind of scared me. Sometimes he had this look in his eyes, like he knew stuff he shouldn’t and might make you swim with the fishes if you asked him about it.

And I don’t mean the nice fishes either.

I tried to tell Peter this, but he didn’t listen. He just responded with a bunch of bad words and ran off. Afterward, instead of avoiding Percy, Peter seemed to be avoiding me! I never saw him outside of meals anymore. While I went through my days of:

• training at the arena with the best fighters at camp excluding Luke,
• hanging out with Nico,
• rolling around in the strawberry fields,
• practicing archery with Luke’s cabinmates and a couple Aphrodite boys,
• receiving countless love letters,
• tolerating Grover,
• daydreaming about Luke,
• swimming in the lake and playing volleyball with most of the guy campers excluding Luke,
• talking with Daddy about camp and Luke,
• learning advance mist magic with Chiron,
• riding Princess, and
• sending at least 50 Iris messages each day to random locations in the hope of finding Luke,

Peter and Percy were doing their own boy thing all summer which included:

• swimming to the sound,
• laughing too much,
• various trips to the forest,
• sharing too many knowing looks,
• having too much fun,
• flying Pegasi,
• gaining notoriety around camp,
• practicing swordplay, and
• generally looking like a happy couple of friends.

How do I know what they were doing if I never saw them outside of meals?

Grover.

Since Peter liked Grover for some reason, Grover was able to get close to him and Percy no problem. After Grover saw how Peter kept being mean to me, Grover offered to spy on him and Percy for me which I, of course, refused because spying is wrong and creepy. Instead, I told Grover to just keep an eye on Peter and Percy, tell me about their adventures at every meal, and alert me if there was any trouble.

Grover was happy to oblige as he had nothing better to do. But to my surprise, Nico didn’t like it. He had mumbled more than once that: “If Peter wants to hang out with that weird Percy kid instead of us, leave him be. It’s none of our business and you deserve better anyway, Andi.”

But I couldn’t leave Peter alone because it was my business. Nico just didn’t understand. I was positive that I needed to keep an eye on Peter. Him pushing me away was another sign of how much he needed my help.

So, even with Grover following Peter around, I still did my best to be friendly and available to Peter despite my own very busy and productive schedule of:

• training at the arena with the best fighters at camp excluding Luke,
• hanging out with Nico,
• rolling around in the strawberry fields,
• practicing archery with Luke’s cabinmates and a couple Aphrodite boys,
• receiving countless love letters,
• tolerating Grover,
• daydreaming about Luke,
• swimming in the lake and playing volleyball with most of the guy campers excluding Luke,
• talking with Daddy about camp and Luke,
• learning advance mist magic with Chiron,
• riding Princess, and
• sending at least 50 Iris messages each day to random locations in the hope of finding Luke.[1]

I invited Peter and even Percy! to sit with me most days and I said hi and asked Peter about his day whenever I saw him. He mostly responded by swearing at me and it hurt, but I kept trying even as Nico rolled his eyes and Grover kept me informed because I wasn’t worried. I knew I’d win Peter over in the end.

Then after a few months, something bad happened. It was just before dinner and I was playing Mythomagic with Nico when Grover ran up to me. “Andi! Andi!”

Nico rolled his eyes. “Here we go again,” he muttered.

“Hey Grover.” I tried to put on my best smile.

“Andi, it’s horrible. Terrible. It’s—”

“What is it Grover?” I said interrupting him.

“Percy and Peter are missing. They went into the sound and haven’t come back,” he said, frantically.

“So?” Nico mumbled. I had to agree. Grover despite being a nature spirit often lost track of Peter and Percy when they went into the sound or into the forest.

I asked, “How long have they been gone? A few hours?”

“No! They’ve been gone since last night,” he said, nervously rubbing his hands together.

I exchanged a look with Nico. Even he looked a bit surprised.

“We should inform the Stroll brothers and organize a search,” I said, decisively.

Grover looked relieved and was nodding.

“Not yet,” Nico whispered.

I turned and looked at him. “Not yet?” I repeated, confusedly.

“They might turn up tonight,” Nico whispered. “Let’s not make a big deal of it yet. They’re always disappearing. Maybe they just got held up by something.”

I frowned. Nico might be right. It was common for them to skip out on a meal every so often due to their weird boy schedule, but still…“We can’t take that chance,” I said, decisively, “We should inform people tonight.”

“After dinner,” Nico whispered, “It’s time.” He gestured at the campers going to their tables.

“Fine,” I said. We went to dinner, but I was tense. The Hermes cabin barely seemed to notice Percy’s absence and Chiron just frowned at Peter’s missing seat, but said nothing. According to Grover, Peter and Percy had missed every meal today. I was surprised how little anyone seemed to care. Annabeth and Luke were already gone. I would have thought that people would be on high alert.

As soon as dinner ended, I informed Chiron and the Stroll brothers, but they also wanted to wait until morning.

“It is already quite dark, Andi,” Chiron said sagely.

“Yeah, and those two are always disappearing these days,” one of the Stroll brothers said.

It took me 2 whole minutes to convince them to change their minds.[2] Even then it was a short search session. We found no sign of Peter or Percy besides a hippocampus mentioning they went searching for one of its eggs yesterday. Grover talked with the thing, but it didn’t have any other information for us. In the end, Chiron forced us to call it a night.

I went to my cabin, still worried and upset. Grover offered to stay with me and play me music to help me sleep, but I declined. Grover had greatly improved his playing this summer, but I didn’t like the idea of him watching me sleep.

It might have been a mistake though. I had weird nightmares and I felt horrible in the morning. Worse yet, Peter and Percy still hadn’t returned.

The camp began searching in earnest the next day. We looked over the hippocampus’s nest as best we could. Then we looked over the rest of the beach and water. Scuba gear was used and the satyrs convinced the sea creatures to help us for a while, but we didn’t find anything. It really seemed like Peter and Percy had disappeared.

After a couple days, most people had stopped searching, but I kept looking with Grover and Nico. However, after a week, even they were getting tired of looking.

“Andi,” Nico muttered. “We have searched everywhere. Seaweed Brain and kelp boy are gone.”

“Yeah,” Grover agreed. “I agree with Nico. It’s been days. Not even the sea creatures know what happened to them.”

“But—”

“I’m sorry Andi,” Nico whispered.

Grover tried to put an arm around me but I shook him off. “No guys, we have to keep looking,” I said determinedly.

“Do we though?” Nico mumbled.

“Yes!” I snapped.[3]

Grover and Nico just looked at me.

“Yes!” I repeated more forcefully. “Come on guys!” I nearly shouted at them. Didn’t they understand? We couldn’t stop looking.

Nico held up his hands and Grover actually cowered.

“Alright,” Nico hissed, giving in. “Fine. We will keep looking. I’ll even do another reading to make sure those idiots are alive, but all that will have to wait until tomorrow morning. Okay?”

I hesitated.

“Come on Andi. It’s dark and way past curfew,” he pointed out, quietly. “We should at least call it a night.”

“Yeah, I’m tired. Let’s go to bed,” Grover said, heartlessly. “I’m sure things will look better in the morning.”

I sighed. “Okay.”

I knew they were right about it being late, so we headed back to camp emptyhanded. Again. Nico went to the Big House and Grover went to wherever he slept. I got back to my cabin and stared up at the statue of Zeus, Lord of the Skies and King of the Gods. I hadn’t wanted to bother him. He really didn’t like Peter, or any boys really, but I needed help.

“Daddy?”

The statue came to life and he said, “What is it, honey?”

I told him the situation.

“More missing boys?” Daddy said, rubbing his beard.

“Peter is the son of Poseidon, remember?” I said, hoping that would catch his interest.

“Oh...him,” he said, disapprovingly. “It might be for the best that he’s gone. We don’t want another prophecy kid running around. That Hades boy is bad enough.”[4]

“Daddy!” I cried and a single tear rolled down my cheek.

“Oh no. Honey, don’t cry,” Daddy said, hugging me. Now there were two tears rolling down on each cheek. I was so very sad.

“Do you want a new pony? Would that cheer you up?”[5]

I shook my head.

“How about another oak tree?”

“No.”

“An eagle?”

“Daddy!” I wailed.

“Fine. Fine. I’ll tell Hermes to keep an eye out for that Peter boy, okay?” 

I sniffled and nodded.

“And…I’m sorry I said the boy was better off dead,” he grumbled.

“It’s okay,” I said.

He sighed. “You have too many male friends, Andromeda. It makes your daddy jealous.”

“I know, Daddy. I’m sorry.”

He sighed again. “Still, it is strange. Yet another boy missing,” he said wonderingly. “First Luke and now this Peter fellow and the other one.” He shook his head. “I’ll make sure Hermes does his best, but I make you no promises,” he said huffily.

“Thank you, Daddy. I love you.”

Daddy relaxed and he smiled down at me. “And I love you, my little sunshine. Come give me a kiss goodnight.”

I got up on my tip toes and kissed Daddy on the cheek. Then I said, “Goodnight, Daddy.”

He smiled at me even more and hugged me tight. “Goodnight, honey,” he said lovingly. When he released me, he turned into stone once more.

I watched the statue for a moment longer. I had thought that getting Daddy’s help would make me feel better, but the whole conversation just reminded me of losing Luke.[6] I began to cry again.

I continued to cry as I undressed, put on my pajamas, brushed my teeth, washed my face, brushed my lovely honey hair 33 times, got into bed, rolled over, pulled the covers on top of me, and went to sleep.

I was still crying in my dreams. They were filled with the angry voices. Among all the rage and judgment, I heard Peter’s voice saying:

You should be ashamed.

I wanted to answer him and all the rest, but I couldn’t. I had lost Annabeth, Luke, and now Peter. And yet all I could do was cry about it. What type of hero was that? What type of hero lost everyone they cared about?

I was ashamed, how could I not be?

Footnotes

[1] So, after that lovely call back to the passage six paragraphs ago, you might be wondering what sort of editing I’m actually doing for this fic. Honestly, for Andi’s chapters I try to do as little as possible. I correct most of the spelling and grammar errors but I like to leave the good old sueish content alone. And I’m perfectly willing to sacrifice the English language to preserve what I perceive as authorial intent. (So, smile happily, my friends.) Thus, Peter is where my editing skills go as he’s not supposed to sound like a Mary Sue. As a side note to this footnote, early in my editing, I had to decide whether to cut down on Peter’s swearing. I was tempted to (with less of his colorful language around, I might have managed a T rating), but once again I put authorial intent first. After all, the damn curse words are part of his fucking charm.

[2] As you can imagine, Andi is not used to having to convince people to do stuff. Usually asking is enough.

[3] Usually.

[4] Like I said usually, but today is a rough day in Andi land.

[5] I am pretty sure he means a baby Pegasus.

[6] Yes. There was a very similar conversation in Sea of Monsters about Luke. (Though it took things a bit more seriously.) During that conversation, Zeus also offered an eagle, a pair of oak trees and a baby Pegasus. Obviously, Andi held out for what she really wanted, but on another occasion, she did ask if she could have the Pegasus, but I don’t know whether Andi acquired the pair of oak trees from that conversation or a completely different bribery conversation.

Chapter Text

Chapter 9: No One Remembers the Goddess of Memory

(Peter)

I was falling. Percy Jackson and I had been falling for a few hours at least.

I glanced at Percy. The demigod was deep in thought, but looked fairly calm, unlike me. I was too busy freaking the fuck out. It didn’t matter how long we were left in limbo. Damnation is not something I could take lightly.

It had all started when we had gone to the Long Beach Sound after dinner to see if any sea creatures needed our help. For the last few months, Percy and I had been training, fighting monsters, helping sea creatures, and developing our powers in the hope that it would get Percy claimed.

Just as we were going to call it a night, a hippocampus had come to us seeking our aid. It seemed that one of their eggs had been lost. Little known fact, hippocampi lay eggs like fish. For the first few weeks, baby hippocampi incubate until they have strong enough limbs to break the egg membrane and face the ocean currents.

Percy and I had tried to act concerned about the missing egg, but hippocampi were dumb and forgetful creatures. A missing egg could be lost in the same way a person loses a pair of sunglasses on their head.

However, as we began to search the hippocampus’s nest, it did look like the egg really was lost. Eventually, Percy, the hippocampus, and I had split up to cover a wider area, but I still hadn’t found anything.

Then Percy had cried out. There was a loud suction sound.

“Percy,” I called. I swam towards the odd noise and soon saw the cause. There was a dark hole opening up in the ocean floor that was sucking in the seawater like a drain. Percy was caught in the current and desperately trying to get away.

“Percy!”

He looked up at me and shouted, “No! It’s too late. Get back!”

But it was too late for me too. The few moments that it had taken me to assess the situation had been enough time for the current to draw me in too. I was no longer moving of my own accord. I scrambled to try and escape. I even attempted to use my hydrokinesis powers, but I couldn’t concentrate. The pull from the water kept intensifying as the hole continued to grow.

Within seconds, I slammed into Percy. We both lost our balance and fell into the abyss.

Hurdling down in a saltwater waterfall that led into darkness, we screamed for the first couple minutes or so. Then our throats got sore and we realized that we were still falling. After that we had started talking about this and that as there was nothing else to do.

Then a couple hours ago, I got a brief glance of a circular room with a small ledge before we passed it by and that’s when I knew we were officially fucked.[1]

“Percy!” I had said, interrupting his explanation of how he had gotten himself expelled from kindergarten, twice.

“What?” he said. His expression had gone serious.

“I think we’re heading to Tartarus,” I had blurted out.

“Is that so,” he had responded, “because I could have sworn that we were going to Disneyland.”

It wasn’t that funny, but I had laughed anyway. It was better than the alternative. And fuck, I had been ready for just that.

Training at camp and fighting an occasional scorpion or some giant ants in the forest was one thing, but I really wasn’t ready to go on an odyssey to fucking hell. Because that’s what it was.

Tartarus was Actual Fucking Hell.

It was the worst part of the underworld. Because I didn’t read those books anymore, I didn’t know much about it, but it had to be bad.[2]

Percy and I were heading towards eternal damnation.

Even as we tried to keep talking that thought loomed over us and we fell silent in the end. Since then, each of us had been busy thinking our own thoughts, so it was jarring when Percy said “Hey!”

He swam over to me and I noticed the water was looking a little different. It felt different too, but I was still confused when he asked urgently, “Is the water talking to you too?”

“What are you-?”

Forget your worries.

Let me in.

Forget your woes.

“Peter?”

Let me in.

Forget life’s pain and life’s lessons.

“Peter!”

To be born anew and be born again.

Just let me in. Just let me in.

Just let me in. Just let me in.

“Hey! Peter!” Percy was shaking me.

Forget him too. Forget him too.

No. I struggled to focus on Percy’s voice. His face was inches from mine and he looked scared. Since I met him, Percy had almost never looked scared. It woke me up.

“Percy?” I said over the voices.

He gave me a watery smile. “There he is.”

I was back. Well kind of…The voices were still there but less.

Let me…. Let…

Become…ter…

“You had me worried.”

“Sorry,” I said.

Percy shook his head. “Nothing to be sorry about. We just need to make sure to not do what the creepy voice says and stay dry.”[3]

I nodded though I was distracted. Now that I wasn’t hypnotized, I realized two things:

1. We were slowing down and;
2. The water was now the color of watered-down milk (Though if you ask me it ought to be black and it definitely shouldn’t be talking!)[4] and the liquid was so opaque that I could see less than a foot in front of me.

Those details pointed to two unpleasant facts. First that Tartarus awaited us and second, “Percy, I think we’re in the River Lethe!”

The words seemed to be magic because at last, though we hadn’t stopped moving, we were no longer falling.

“The what?” Percy asked. At this point, I could barely make Percy out even though his hands were still on my shoulders.

“It’s the river of forgetfulness. It’s part of the underworld and Tartarus I guess,” I explained to him.

I looked around which didn’t do much good since I saw the same milky white emptiness in every direction. Still, I could tell instinctually that our momentum from the waterfall had sunk us deep into the river and the now we were being pulled sideways. The river was probably trying to take us further into hell.

“We gotta fight the current.” I told Percy. “I don’t think we want to go where its leading.”

“Gotcha.” He held out one of his hands in front of me so I could not miss it which meant that he nearly smacked me in the face. Then he said, “Grab my hand and let’s go.”

I looked at Percy Jackson’s hand. Another time I might have protested, but now was not the time for machismo. It was holding hands or risking separation, so I took Percy’s hand and together we started to swim upstream.

We tried surfacing but the air was unbreathable and the hellish lava landscape of Tartarus was far from encouraging.

After that, we stayed underwater. Luckily, the waterfall we came through was not the end of the river. We kept swimming and came across another smaller waterfall.[5] This one, we could actually swim up. By the time we reached the top, the water temperature had dropped from hot bath to chilly lake.

Percy and I shared a look and we tried surfacing again. I never thought I would be so glad to see the underworld.

“What now?” Percy asked.

“Let’s get onto shore and follow the river from there,” I suggested. The voices hadn’t stopped and they were giving me a headache.

Percy agreed.

We crawled up onto the shore. I dropped Percy’s hand and basically collapsed onto all fours. I knew we needed to open one of our knapsacks and get out an ambrosia square, but I was so fucking done.[6] Beside me, Percy wasn’t much better. He was still standing, but his eyes were closed and he looked half-dead from exhaustion.

“Good evening, Mr. Johnson and Mr. Jackson,” a feminine voice called.

I jerked myself back into a standing position and turned around, suddenly alert. And very confused, because the white River Lethe had disappeared. In its place there was a black stream coming from a stone well. On the well wall, there sat a woman holding a hippocampus egg in her lap.

Percy and I shared at look. The woman was definitely a goddess, but I wasn’t sure who. She had long and wavy red hair, but that was the only pretty thing about her. Her posture was rigid and she had the sort of face that did more frowning than smiling. She was also wearing a light green toga instead of something more modern like most of the gods did in the PJO canon.

I frowned. She definitely wasn’t Persephone. I did not think she was Hecate either. Maybe she was some minor goddess or a water nymph?

Percy, who unlike me wasn’t stunned into silence, asked, “Who are you?”

“I am called Mnemosyne,” she said.[7]

“Like mnemonic,” I said with sudden clarity.

“Mnemonic?” Percy turned to me.

“Uh…” I glanced at the goddess.

“Go on, Mr. Johnson,” she said with an encouraging nod.

“Mnemonic, like the ABC song or Please Excuse My Dear Aunt Sally, my mom is always coming up with new ones for me. They help you remember stuff.”

“That’s right,” she said in a way that made me feel like I was in a classroom.

“So, you’re a goddess of remembering?” Percy asked her.

“Half-credit, Mr. Jackson. The correct term is Goddess of Memory,” she said, “Though even that is not 100% accurate. Nowadays I consider myself lucky if people remember that much, ironically. People’s memories are so faulty these days. It is why fading is so common among my set.”

Percy asked, “What do you mean fading?”

The goddess smiled. Though as I suspected it would, the expression looked a little strange on her stern face. “So inquisitive, Mr. Jackson.”

Yeah. He was being too inquisitive at the moment because the goddess turned to me and said, “Care to educate your friend, Mr. Johnson?”

It was a test. I hurried to explain. “It’s what happens when a god or monster is forgotten. They sort of give up and fade from existence.”

“Oh…” Percy said, looking at Mnemosyne like she might die at any minute.

“You will not get to see a live demonstration today, Mr. Jackson. I am an exception as a goddess of memory can never truly be forgotten.”

“That’s good,” Percy said.

“Yes,” she said, “It is very fortunate, as now I can help the two of you.”

That should have made me happy, but “help” can take many forms.

“Mr. Johnson,” she said to me.

“Yes!”

“I think you’ve answered enough questions for the day. I want Mr. Jackson to answer the next one.”

“Okay…” I said. Percy and I shared a nervous look.

“Don’t worry. It’s an easy question.”

Teachers always said that in the same way that doctors said this wouldn’t hurt a bit.

I tensed.

She asked, “What brings you here, Mr. Jackson?”

“Oh,” Percy said, relieved.

I breathed out my own sigh of relief.

“Sure,” he said, “I can answer that. Peter and I came down here looking for that little guy.” Percy pointed at the hippocampus. “May we have him back?”

“A fine answer and another question. My answer is yes. Hold tight.” She placed the hippocampus egg in the oozing black stream and explained, “If you follow the flow of this river it will lead you back to your camp,” The egg bobbed in the water. “but be careful and don’t get wet.”

I swallowed. I’d be careful alright. That water didn’t look healthy.

“Also, come here before you go,” she beckoned us forward.

I came towards her hesitantly. Mnemosyne had been nice to us so far, but there was always a risk when talking to strange gods and she kind of acted like a younger version of my hard-ass sixth grade language arts teacher who terrorized all of the lazy, quiet, and/or failing students. That teacher had always been nice to me, but some of my friends…

“I have something for both of you,” the goddess said as she stood before us. The woman was tall just like that sixth-grade teacher. “Hold still,” she said.

Mnemosyne reached out and touched the back of my head with one of her hands. She moved her hand forward through my hair and then tapped my forehead. She did the same thing to Percy.

“Um…thank you?” Percy said, glancing at me.

I shrugged.

“You are very welcome, Mr. Jackson. I have just given you both a blessing of memory. People often take memory for granted. They are always wanting to forget unpleasant things, but without memory, there would be no time, no wisdom, no stories.” She smiled again. This time she actually looked happy which was a good thing, right? “Memories give us a sense of self. Thus, this blessing will ensure you never forget who you are because you will always remember what is most important to you.”[8]

“Thank you,” I said. It did sound like a good and (more importantly) harmless gift.

“Yeah,” Percy said. “Thank you again.”

“It was my pleasure boys. Now you better go after that egg before you lose it again,” she said pointing past us.

I turned. The egg had already floated quite a way away from us and it was heading back towards Tartarus.

Shit.

I looked back to ask if she was sure that was the way out, but behind me all I saw was the black stream heading into the underworld. Mnemosyne and her well were gone.

Footnotes

[1] Some of you might remember this room from PJO Battle of the Labyrinth.

[2] From all I know of Peter, I’m guessing that he’s read Lost Hero and some of Son of Neptune, but was so disgusted that he didn’t finish the latter book.

[3] I assume this means they were using their powers to stay dry before this.

[4] Peter is making an allusion to the discrepancy between the river’s color in the Demigod Files (black) and HoO (white). As for the river talking, I assume this is artistic license as to my knowledge, the River Lethe and/or its nymph goddess haven’t talked in the canon before.

[5] More artistic license.

[6] I have no idea how Percy and Peter got ambrosia squares, but I like to think Andi gave some to Grover so that he could give them to Peter.

[7] Mnemosyne appears in the interactive side story, the Library of Deadly Weapons, but I believe that is after this fic’s time. Hence, why Peter has no idea who she is.

[8] We will talk more about this blessing later.

Chapter Text

Chapter 10: Peter’s Friend Gets Claimed

(Andi)

I jerked awake and looked out my window to see a tired and dripping wet pair stumbling towards the cabins. I ran out. “Peter!”

The next thing I knew I had my arms around him and the salt water of my tears mixed with the seawater from the sound. I was getting wet, but I didn’t care.

I cried happily, “I was so worried about you. Where were you?” I pulled away to look at Peter’s face and only then did I realize that I had hugged the wrong boy.

Percy had an amused expression on his face as I let go of him and went to grab Peter.

But Peter took a step back. “Hey,” he said, furtively, “Could you keep it down, Miss Sunshine?” He was glancing around at the other cabins.

I frowned at him, “What for?”

Peter looked like he was in pain.

“Are you okay? Do you need Nectar? I always have some in my cabin,” I said worriedly.

“No, no. I’m fine, so is Percy. I just don’t want everyone in camp to know we were out late.”

He didn’t want everyone in camp to know they were out late?

I laughed, but I was not happy. “It is a little late for that, Peter. I think even Mr. D. has noticed you were gone, since it’s been over two weeks since you disappeared.”

“Two weeks?” Percy repeated.

Him and Peter exchanged one of their annoying shared looks.

I nodded and said chastisingly, “Over two weeks. 19 days, 4 hours, 11 minutes, 58 seconds and 12 jiffies to be exact.[1]^, [2] Or didn’t you two notice? I organized a search and everything. People thought that…well they stopped searching.”

Peter looked like he might faint again. It looked like he was finally getting it.

“But I never stopped,” I added proudly. “Nico said you weren’t dead so I hoped and here you are.” I smiled. It was true. He was here. He was safe. I had not lost him.

“Yeah,” Percy agreed, “Here we are.”

“Gosh golly, I was ever so worried. Where were you guys?” I asked again feelingly.

“Oh, we got lost,” Peter said, suspiciously.

“In the sound?” I asked incredulously. Grover and hippocampus had said as much, but that did not mean it made sense. Peter was the son of Poseidon. Even with Percy as a handicap, the idea of Peter getting lost in the ocean was…beyond screwy.

Peter nodded, suspiciously.

I glanced over at Percy. He gave me that crazed look. Like he’d seen things he should not have.

Then I turned back to Peter. “Hmm… yeah sure.” I said, not buying it.

Boys and their secrets. If mystery wasn’t so hot, I’d have been angrier. Instead, I just said lecturingly, “Well, just remember: this is still both yours and Percy’s first summer at camp. You can’t just go off on your own for days at a time. People will worry about you. I will worry about you.”

Percy seemed affected by my words. His shoulder shook and he covered his face but Peter just stared at me blankly. He didn’t understand. I had already lost Luke. I couldn’t lose another…not even weird and grumpy Peter.

I was crying again and hard. There were three whole tears on each cheek. I wiped them away.

Peter took another step back. “Alright, alright, don’t start crying again. Percy and I have learned our lesson. We won’t disappear like this again. So, just calm down, okay?”

I nodded. I hadn’t meant to start crying again, but I was glad I did.

Between sniffles, I asked, “So does that mean you’ll stop going into the woods for hours at odd times too?”

Peter narrowed his eyes at me. “How do you know about that?”

I shrugged and whistled unsuspiciously. I couldn’t tell them Grover was keeping an eye on them for me. Peter might think I was spying on him which I totally wasn’t, so I cleverly deflected his suspicions by saying, “Who can say?”

For some reason, Peter scowled while Percy raised his eyebrows but before either of them could say anything else, Chiron came and herded them to the Big House to give them a lecture of his own.

Apparently, a small crowd had formed around us as we had been talking. Grover made his way through the crowd and smiled at me, “I fetched Chiron as soon as I saw them,” he said proudly.

“Thanks Grover,” I said, indifferently.

“Anything for you Andi,” Grover said, happily.

I nodded. It had been a long couple of weeks. All I wanted now was some beauty sleep.

A couple days later, it was the end of summer break. I was so relieved because it meant Percy was leaving. I had decided that he was a very bad influence on Peter.

It was a godsend that tonight was Percy’s last dinner. I went to my table to sit in my usual place with Nico and Grover.

Before I started on my food, I looked over at Peter at the Poseidon table. He had refused to my invitation to sit with me again, so I knew he would be at his own table alone again, except he wasn’t alone. Peter and Percy were standing by the Poseidon table. Peter was whispering something to Percy who looked hesitant.

“I knew I shouldn’t have told him about your claiming,” Grover whimpered, pathetically.[3]

“You did what?” I asked, glancing over at him.

Grover just shook his head and continued to whimper. I looked back over at the Poseidon table. Peter had sat down and now he was gesturing for Percy to sit down too.

Suddenly, the two of them had the whole camp’s attention, even Mr. D’s. Percy frowned at the table bench. He wasn’t really going to do it, was he?

I started to get up but Nico stopped me.

“No,” he whispered.

“But it could be dangerous,” I hissed in protest. Peter was trying to get Percy to sit at his table. It went against camp tradition to have people from another cabin sit at your table. The only reason Nico could sit with me now was because I had asked Daddy’s permission.[4] Poseidon was not Daddy. He was very territorial.[5]

“They have done worse,” Nico whispered, mysteriously.[6]

I was about to ask Nico what he meant when the world shifted and I fell back onto my table’s bench. Apparently, while Nico and I had been arguing, Percy had decided to sit down and now Poseidon, God of the sea, earthquakes and horses was angry.

“Duck and cover!” someone shouted.

I ignored them and stayed where I was, but all around me, people dove under tables.[7] The earth was quaking like Jell-O, but I sat firm in my seat which meant I was one of the first people to see the sea green hologram of a curved trident with its prongs pointed downward and straight at Percy Jackson’s head.

“Isn’t that Poseidon’s symbol?” I whispered to Grover and Nico who were coming out from under the table. The appearance of the hologram had stopped the earthquake.

“I dunno,” Grover said, unhelpfully, “It’s not supposed to be upside down, but maybe Poseidon was feeling lazy?”

“I doubt it,” Nico muttered. All around us people were whispering and having similar conversations.

Peter’s voice carried over all the whispers. “I don’t understand. It shouldn’t be like that. It should be— You have all the powers. I was positive.” He looked up to Chiron and Mr. D.

We all did.

“He’s the son of Poseidon,” Peter told them, desperately.

They just shook their heads.

Peter looked back at Percy who had stood up. Peter looked heartbroken. I’d never seen anyone look so sorry.

Percy stepped away from the table and spoke. His voice was hard. “There’s only one son of Poseidon here, Peter. And that’s you.”[8]

Then Percy turned and ran. I thought that Peter would go after him, but he seemed frozen, like his world had just broken in two.

Footnotes

[1] Yes, I looked it up. A jiffy is a real unit of time. It is either 1/60th of a second or 1/50th of a second. It is also thought to be thieves’ cant for lightning, so that’s cool.

[2] Uh…I mean PJO Percy has like a perfect sense of direction. Why shouldn’t Andi have a perfect sense of time? Time is usually based on the sun, moon, and planets i.e., the sky.

[3] In the Lightning Thief fic, it was a big deal to have Andi verify her god parentage by sitting at the Zeus table. She got officially claimed. Along with a lightning bolt hologram, there was thunder and lightning. And afterwards, Zeus actually showed up and ate with her that day.

[4] In the Sea of Monsters fic, they also made a big deal of sitting at the correct table. Nico got electrocuted for trying to sit with Andi in the beginning of the fic. At the end of the fic, Andi finally got Zeus’ permission to let all her friends sit at her table and everyone was very impressed with her negotiation skills. This emphasis on sitting at the correct cabin table makes more sense when you remember that the Sea of Monsters fic came out long before Trials of Apollo where Will Solace and PJO Nico easily broke the table rule with a “doctor’s note” and a veiled threat.

[5] Andi met Poseidon in the Lightning Thief fic, briefly.

[6] This is indeed mysterious and never really explained. Does Nico know where Peter and Percy disappeared off to? I mean Peter and Percy were in the underworld. And if he did know, for how long? Maybe he learned after the fact or... (Warning: Conspiracy theory territory) maybe Nico knew the whole time and was keeping it secret from Andi because he didn’t want Peter to come back and maybe he’s holding Andi back this chapter because he is hoping that something bad will happen to Peter. Or maybe not…I don’t know.

[7] PSA: Don’t be like Andi. Practice proper earthquake safety!

[8] More on this later.

Chapter Text

Chapter 11: The Plot Gets Started

(Peter)

Months later and I was still regretting how I didn’t run after Percy. He’d disappeared from camp which wasn’t unusual for us, but when I later looked for him in our typical hiding spots, he was nowhere to be found.

I figured he must have used the labyrinth to escape. We found the Zeus’ Fist entrance in the woods once and I had warned him to stay away from it. It was either that or he’d gone back to Tartarus. The entrance was gone when I checked but perhaps Percy had taken it before it had disappeared.

Personally, I hoped he was in the labyrinth. As scary as the place was, it was still better than the Tartarus hellscape.

But then again, who gave a fuck about my hopes and dreams in this shit story?

Fucking no one.

How else could I explain Percy’s claiming. Instead of being rightfully claimed by Poseidon, Percy had been branded as the kid of some random sea god I’d never heard of (Pontus or something). I had had to get the hippocampi to tell me and they are an unreliable source of info, but it didn’t matter.

I felt like a fucking idiot.

I had been so sure. He acted like the same Percy Jackson I knew from the canon. He had all the powers, but no! That would have made too much fucking sense. In this stupid fucking fic, Percy was the son of the god of fucking sea lions which meant he had similar powers to Poseidon’s children without actually being one of them.

It was just so fucked up.

Months had gone by and I still wasn’t over it. Life after Percy was shit. Nothing was the same without him. I felt like I was just going through the motions as I tried not to think about the deadly adventures that awaited me.

But that didn’t stop them from coming.

It started with me heading to breakfast. One minute, I was trudging towards food. The next, I heard shouting. I saw that everyone seemed to be running towards the Big House, so I followed them, only to see a big yellow school bus parked outside. Beside it was a tall teenager with sandy hair, tan skin, and a smarmy smile that he was bestowing on who else but…Andromeda Sunshine.

I already knew what was going on there. Apollo flirting with a Mary Sue was a tale as old as time. More interesting were the girls leaving the van. The Hunters.

“Aren’t they beautiful,” Grover sighed. He was standing behind me.

I glanced back at him. Grover often seemed to be following me around. I suspected this was due to the Sue’s meddling. Speaking of which, “I thought you had pledged yourself to Miss Sunshine,” I said.

Grover glared at me. “Of course, I have. No one can compare to Andi, but…”

The satyr sighed again as the Hunters marched past us to Cabin 8.

“I’m not that picky,” he said, before following them with a dreamy look in his eyes.

I snorted. It was nice to see that some things were consistent.

I looked over at Apollo and Miss Sunshine one more time. Now that I’d seen what the commotion was about, I was ready to get breakfast. But just as I was about to look away, Miss Sunshine caught my eye. Her expression was unmistakable.

It said, “Help me.”

I hesitated. It was still very much my policy to avoid Miss Sunshine whenever possible, but I had seen too many pickup artists in my life to not be a little creeped out by Apollo’s behavior. Mary Sue or not, Miss Sunshine wasn’t even legal and he was fucking immortal.

Plus, despite my repeated attempts to get her to fuck off, the Sue was always trying to help me and sometimes to my irritation she did provide assistance. After Percy’s disastrous claiming, it had been Miss Sunshine who had rallied the camp to search for him. Even though I knew she had been extremely jealous of Percy, she had done it for me. And besides her endless meal invitations, she had never asked me for anything in return, until now…

God Damn it. Fucking fine.

It wasn’t in my nature to ignore a woman being sleazed on, so against my better judgment, I went over to them. If nothing else, it might be interesting to meet Apollo. He was pretty cool when he wasn’t hitting on girls.

“Hey guys,” I said, coming up to them.

Apollo didn’t even look at me. He just continued what he was saying, “I may be able to see the future, but I can’t see why Luke hasn’t fallen in love with you. Curses aside, I swear I could sing your praises all day, every day.[1]

Sweet Smelling Andi

Inspiration to my heart

You are my new muse.”

He winked at her and Miss Sunshine blushed, but then I was blushing too. That had been embarrassing.

I coughed and said, “Sunshine, I think Chiron wants to talk to you.”

She turned and gave me a relieved smile. “Of course! Thanks Peter.” Then she said to the wannabe poet, “I’d love to talk more but I have to go, Apollo. It was nice talking with you.”

Apollo shot me a displeased look before giving Miss Sunshine another smile. He took one of her hands in his and said,

“You are like a flower.

I want to smell your bloom always.

But spring only comes once.”

Then the dude actually sniffed her hand before kissing it.

Gag.

Instead of squeeing like a fangirl or recoiling in horror, Miss Sunshine just looked confused by the contact. She said, “Uh…thanks, Apollo,” but then she just stood there waiting for Apollo to let go.

He didn’t. He just smiled again creepy as fuck. Obviously, he was too sueified to do much of anything.

In the end, I had to pulled her hand away. “Yeah, see you later, Apollo,” I said. “Come on, Miss Sunshine. Chiron is waiting.”

Miss Sunshine glanced at me and where I was holding her arm. Her eyes widened.

Shit.

“Sorry,” I muttered, dropping it, but I could see it was too late. She was already getting ideas. Before I could kill her misguided hopes, Apollo said, “Goodbye my flower.”

I looked up.

The god had already hopped back into the bus. He turned to me and added, “You take care of my new muse, Peter. I’ll see you two later.”

He gave us a wicked smile. Then he closed the doors and revved up the engine.

Miss Sunshine had to pull me out of the way of the giant heat blast from the engine. I was too busy watching the bus change into a red sports car as it rocketed into the sky and merged with the sun.

“Fuck,” I said, covering my eyes.

Miss Sunshine sniffed and I knew she was making her “language” face, but all she said was. “It is very bright. Here.” A cloud moved over the sun. “Better?”

Yes. “You shouldn’t use your powers like that.”

“Why not?”

I sighed. “Never mind.” It wasn’t worth explaining.

“Okay!” she said. “So, tell me, what does Chiron want to talk about?”

“Nothing,” I said, still looking up at the conveniently cloudy sky.

“But you said,” she began.

“I lied.”

Miss Sunshine gasped. “You…lied? Why would you do that?”

I scowled at her. Really. She had to be joking. She had asked for my help. “Do I have to spell it out for you?” I snapped.

“Yes,” she replied without skipping a beat.

I groaned. I forgot. Sues don’t understand things like subtlety or sarcasm.

“Are you okay?” she asked.

“I’m fucking peachy,” I muttered.

“Oh, that’s good.”

There was a pause and I realized she still wanted an explanation.

“It’s National White Lie Day,” I lied.[2]

The Sue’s eyes got big and she said, “Wow! Really?”

I had to stop myself from snorting. This was too easy. I should have tried lying to her ages ago.

But then she smiled at me and grabbed my arm. “Come on, Peter. Let’s go.” She started dragging me along.

“Go? Go where?” I tried to remove her arm, but it was like a vice.

“I don’t know,” she sang as she pulled me towards the Big House.

“Let go of me,” I cried.

“I can’t hear you!” she sang even louder.

“Sunshine!”

The Mary Sue stopped walking. We were in the Big House now and Nico was glaring at us from the window.

“Having fun?” he hissed. This version of Nico was always hissing and muttering things.[3] I might have found it funny if he wasn’t so intimidating. I swear his glares could be considered a weapon.

“You saw the Hunters?” Miss Sunshine asked in a worried voice.

“Of course, I saw the Hunters,” he muttered.

I looked between them. Nico and Miss Sunshine were like best friends and she was a Sue. What was all this friction? Miss Sunshine actually seemed to be at a loss for words.

“Nico,” she began uncertainly.

He held up his hand to stop her. “I don’t want to talk about her.”

Oh! This must be about Bianca. Now that I thought about it, I didn’t actually know where Bianca was. As I had not seen her around camp, I guess she must be with the Hunters. Unless she was already dead?[4]

“Alright,” Miss Sunshine said, awkwardly. “Come on, Peter. Let’s talk to…” She hesitated for just a moment before she moved us forward and said in a flatter voice, “Let’s talk to Chiron.”

I glanced at her and then saw where she was looking. Chiron was sitting with Mr. D. by the wall. The two of them were in the middle of an intense card game. Mr. D was in deep concentration while Chiron had a self-satisfied smirk on his face.

“Um Chiron, can we…” Miss Sunshine began, reaching out for Chiron’s shoulder.

“Shut up, Annie,” Mr. D. said, “I’m thinking.”

I blinked. I thought I was literally the only one at camp that didn’t like Sunshine. Well besides bitchafied Thalia and Drew, but I guess I was wrong.

“Mr. D, I’ve told you like a million times. My name is Andi. A-N-D-I. Not—”

“Don’t care,” he said cutting her off.

Miss Sunshine’s eyes seemed to gleam with a sinister light. I tried to tug my arm out of her grip again. No luck.

Thankfully, Chiron broke the tension by asking, “What is it, Andromeda?”

Miss Sunshine stopped glaring at Mr. D. and turned to Chiron. But before she could speak, Grover burst into the room and announced, “The Hunters are all moved in!”

We all looked at him. The satyr was covered in bruises and bleeding a bit, but the guy was grinning like crazy.

“Hunters, eh?” Chiron said thoughtfully.

Mr. D. just grunted as Miss Sunshine muttered, “I was going to say that.”

She shot Grover a look. “Is that how you got all those injuries?”

“Probably,” Nico whispered from the window. I had forgotten he was in here.

Grover blushed and avoided her eyes as he appealed to Chiron, “Shouldn’t we start organizing for capture the flag?”

“Yes. I suppose so,” Chiron said with a nod. “Andi, you and Peter go down to the cabins. Inform the campers we’ll be playing capture the flag tomorrow evening.”

“Capture the flag?” Miss Sunshine protested. “But we don’t have enough—”

“Shoeshine!” Mr. D. snapped. “Do what Chiron says and get. Some of us are trying to work.”

“Work?” she said. “Do you call that work?”

Mr. D. finally looked up. He narrowed his eyes at her, “Yes.”

I really wanted to leave. I tried to pull out of Sunshine’s grip again as she said, “But that’s bananas. It’s only a—”

“Come on you two,” Chiron said quickly. He pulled us away from Mr. D’s scowl and the important card game. 

“But—” Miss Sunshine protested yet again.

Chiron just turned us around. Then he placed a hand on my and Sunshine’s backs and said firmly, “Out we go.”

“See you tomorrow, Annie,” Mr. D. called after us.

Not bad.

Miss Sunshine was pissed. She turned back as we walked away and snapped, “It’s ANDI and I hate that musical, you fermented old man!”

Mr. D. just laughed as Chiron whisked me and an angry Miss Sunshine away.

Once we got outside, Chiron muttered, “He’s probably going to cheat now, but all well.”

I was about to ask if I could be excused now, when Miss Sunshine whined, “Chiron.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Yes, Andromeda,” he said patiently.

“Mr. D. and Grover kept interrupting, but Artemis has gone monster hunting and—”[5]

“I know,” he said.

“She—You do?” Miss Sunshine said, surprised.

“Mr. D. told me.”

“He did?” I asked. Beside me, Miss Sunshine seemed to deflate.

Chiron patted our backs. “He’s not as oblivious as you two seem to think. Now I’m going to go back inside and do some damage control. Be sure to tell everyone about capture the flag.”

Chiron wheeled himself back in, leaving me and Miss Sunshine standing outside alone. She was looking a bit lifeless. I took the opportunity to finally extricate my arm. I was almost free when she tightened her grip and turned to me and said, “It’s not fair, Peter.”

Damn it.

“Mr. D. is so mean to me. He gets my name wrong on purpose and no one cares.”

“Mr. D. is mean to everyone,” I said before I could stop myself.

Miss Sunshine sniffed and said, “He is. He’s so heartless. Luke, Annabeth, and Percy are gone and does he care? No siree, he plays games with Chiron, sips his coke, and gets my name wrong. My name. Andi. A-N-D-I. It’s so easy to say. I hate it when people get it wrong. Luke never got my name wrong. He…” She wiped at her eyes freeing my arm at last.

But it didn’t matter. I was frozen. Not because of the tears, though I did find the sight of a girl, even a Mary Sue, crying disturbing, it was because it had finally clicked.

I should have realized it as soon as I saw the Hunters. Hell, I should have been suspicious of the Christmas decorations, but I had been so distracted with Percy, all the inconsistencies from this fic, and the general day to day. Then I had had to save Miss Sunshine from being creeped on and the whole thing with Nico and Mr. D., but it didn’t matter.

None of that mattered because it was finally happening. The isekai was afoot. We were entering the plot of Titan’s Curse.

I steeled myself. This was it. If I was lucky, this would be one of those fanfics that like to borrow heavily from the book. If that was the case, the names would change. There would be some dialogue differences, but everything else I should be able to predict.

If I played my cards right, I would be able to get through this story. I had to. With Percy gone, it was up to me to fill the role.

“Peter?” Miss Sunshine said waving a hand in my face. “Did you even hear what I said?”

I didn’t answer. I was thinking hard. My mind was going into overdrive. It was like I was speed reading the book in my head. Tons of the beginning was missing, but the Hunters were here and we’d just had that conversation with Mr. D. I fished around in my head until I found it. I could actually see the page.

“Peter? Are you going to faint again? Should I get the smelling salts?”

Chapter 5. Page 63. Paragraph 4.

“We’ll get Luke back,” I said, decisively. “I just don’t know how yet.”

Miss Sunshine looked at me strangely. Probably because I had just stood there like a zombie for a few minutes, but also because this was the nicest thing that I’d ever said to her.

She finally replied, “So, you were listening. Good.” She sniffed and rubbed her eyes again. “And I hope you’re right. I don’t think I can handle losing another person, not after Luke. I was so scared when you went missing this summer. I was worried that I had lost you too and now even your friend, Percy, has run off to places unknown. It’s worrying.”

Chapter 5. Page 63. Paragraph 6.[6]

“Don’t think like that,” I responded with ease. It was like magic. I could remember every line of every paragraph of every page of Titan’s Curse as easily as I could remember my own name. I smiled. This must be Mnemosyne’s gift at work.[7] I could do this.

Miss Sunshine smiled back at me. “You’re right,” she said. “We can’t give up on hope. With you, me and Nico, there is a kid from each of the Big Three at camp. If we work together, we should definitely be able to save them.”

I nodded. Then I pointed ahead of us at the basketball court where the Hunters were arguing with a guy, presumably from the Ares cabin and said, “Look!”

As I hoped, Miss Sunshine cried out, “Oh my!” All her sadness seemed to be forgotten as she said, “That’s no good. I’ll go break that tiff up before it becomes serious. While I do that, could you go around and tell everybody about capture the flag tomorrow?”

“All right,” I said, “And you should be team captain.”

“Of course,” she replied. “I have been at camp longer after all.”

I frowned at her. That wasn’t…fuck.

“What’s wrong?” she asked.

What’s wrong? 30 seconds into the script and I was already seeing how hard this was going to be with this Sue around. Nothing was ever easy, was it?

“Peter?”

“I was hoping that we could, uh…be co-captains or something.”

The Mary Sue looked at me, thoroughly confused. “Why?” she asked, “When I play capture the flag, I’m always captain. I’m the daughter of Zeus.”

“I just thought it’d be a good idea,” and though it hurt me, I added, “Please?”

Miss Sunshine looked unsettled and I knew she wanted to say no, so I squeezed my eyes shut and said, “I’ll owe you a favor.”

“A favor?” she repeated.

I opened an eye to look at her and said, “Yeah. Just one.” Even as I said it, I was already filled with regret, but I had no idea how accurate I’d have to be to the plot to ensure the Good End. It was best not to deviate too much until I knew more.

The Sue closed her eyes and thought. After a bit, she smiled.

Fuck. Mistakes. Mistakes have been made.

“How about…” She tapped her chin trying to look coy. She looked about as subtle as a four-year-old. “You sit with me at dinner from now on?” she finished in a rush.

I grimaced.

“Well?” she asked. Her eyes and smile were huge.

“That’s a high price for a single capture the flag game,” I said blandly.

“Deal or no deal?” she said in a sing song voice. “I’m a shrewd Miss. You can’t get something for nothing!”

“How about a single dinner?” I offered.

She shook her head.

“Two dinners?”

She just kept shaking her stupid Sue head.

“A week. That’s my final offer.”

“Hmm…” she said. “Is it though?” She tapped her chin again, glancing at me.

I groaned. She was enjoying this way too much. “Sunshine, I swear to fuck. Cut it out.”

She was still smiling. “I’ll give you the co-captain spot if you agree to a whole month of dinners.”

“What!”

“Two months~” she said drawing out the words. Her smile was wicked now.

Damn her.

“One month,” I growled. “That’s all you’re getting.”

“I’ll take it!” she exclaimed. Then she actually clapped her hands together and squealed, “I’m so excited. We’re going to have oodles of fun together, Peter. I just know it!”

I sighed. Sometimes, she was so…sueish. Oodles? Who even talked like that?

Over at the basketball court, the Ares kid was crying bloody murder. There was an arrow in his knee.[8]

“Golly Gosh!” the Mary Sue cried, “I better go.” She started to run toward the basketball court, but then she paused. She turned back and called, “See you later alligator!” before setting off at a sprint.

I rolled my eyes.

Sometimes? Make that all the time.

I did my best to swallow my regret and distaste. I could do this.    

I began making the rounds, telling everybody about capture the flag. I found the sleeping Ares kid and woke him up from his nap. I asked him about Thalia. It was still hard to believe Clarisse didn’t exist in this universe.

He said, “Went on a quest for Chiron. Top secret!”

“Is she okay?”

“Haven’t heard from her in a month. She’s missing in action. Like your butt’s gonna be if you don’t get outta here!” I turned around to hide my smile.

At least everyone else seemed to be following the script.[9]

Thanks to a bunch of off-screen shenanigans, it was late afternoon, by the time I got to Cabin 3. Inside, it was just as empty as always, save for my bunk. But instead of the usual depression that came from remembering my failure with Percy, my eyes locked onto the new addition to the cabin. Recognizing it immediately, I smiled.

I really was in Titan’s Curse because at the back of the cabin, there was now a large fountain with water coming out of a fish head and falling into a stone basin. Steam was coming off of the water giving the room the nice humid feel of a warm saltwater bath. It looked exactly how I had imagined it.

I eagerly went up to the fountain and looked into the water. I thanked Poseidon causing the surface to ripple and reveal the golden drachmas at the bottom. I picked up a coin and I tossed it in, saying, “Iris, O Goddess of the Rainbow, accept my offering.”

For a wild moment I considered breaking script, but no, I had decided to adhere to the canon. So, I said, “Show me Tyson,” I requested. “At the forges of the Cyclopes.”

The mist shimmered, and the image of Tyson the cyclops appeared.

Right now, as expected, Tyson was standing by a forge, hammering away at a sword. The red flames contrasted with the deep blue of the water outside his window.

“Tyson!” I yelled over the hammering. “TYSON!”

The Cyclopes turned, and his one enormous eye widened.

For a moment, I thought about how awkward this was going to be. I’d met Tyson with Percy once during our adventures in the sound. Tyson, not Grover, had been this fic’s Percy’s escort to Camp Half-Blood. Apparently, discovering Tyson was a cyclops made it impossible for Percy to blend in anymore and his mom had dropped them both off.

But to my surprise, the cyclops grinned at me.

As he came forward and tried to hug the Iris Message, he cried out, “Percy!”

I winced. That explained it. Tyson couldn’t see that well and Percy and I sounded a bit alike but still…

Tyson pulled away. “Percy you grew small…Peter?”

“Yeah,” I said, “It’s me.”

“Hi Peter!” Tyson peered around me. “Where’s Percy?”

I swallowed. To be honest, I had been half-hoping he would be able to tell me. No such luck, I guess.

Big fucking surprise there.

I told Tyson, “Percy’s not here right now.”

“Tell him hello!” He beamed. “Say hello to Percy and come visit soon!”

I tried to smile, “Okay, I’ll do that.”

Tyson nodded. “So, why did you call?”

“Just checking in,” I lied, “Uh…How are you? How’s the job?”

His eye lit up. “Love the job! Look!” He picked up the hot sword blade with his bare hands. “I made this!”

“That’s really cool.”

“I wrote my name on it. Right there.”

“Awesome and do you talk to…Poseidon much?” It seemed awkward to call the sea god, Dad. I’d never even met the guy. Plus, he wasn’t my father, not really.

Tyson’s smile faded. “Not much. Daddy is busy. He is worried about the war.”

“What do you mean?” I said getting into the grove of the familiar dialogue.

Tyson sighed and began to explain the underwater war situation, but he quickly went off script. He told me a bunch of things that he wanted me to relay to Percy.

I agreed to do so and waited for Tyson to tell me about Kronos and the Princess Andromeda, but he never did. So, in a lull in Tyson’s excited gushing over his new job, I asked, “Tyson, what about Kronos?” and the bad boat?[10]

Tyson shivered. “Dad says he’s bad. Brainwashed Aphrodite.”[11]

What?

“But don’t worry. She’s better. We will win the war. Daddy is strong and I’m making lots of swords.”

“All right,” I said, still feeling confused. “That’s…good. I guess.”

Somewhere in the forges, a deep voice bellowed something.

Tyson flinched. “Got to get back to work! Boss will get mad. Tell Percy I say hello and don’t forget to ask him about—”

Another shout.

Tyson waved and said, “Bye Peter!”

“Bye,” I said, but the Iris message had already faded.

I sighed. That hadn’t exactly gone to planned. Instead of talking about Kronos, the boat, and Annabeth, we had mostly talked about Percy.

Despite the humid air, it suddenly felt cold in the cabin. I seriously hoped Percy was okay.

It was a statement about my mood that I was actually happy when Miss Sunshine came through the door a bit later to collect me for dinner.

I still managed a frown and told her, “You should learn how to knock.”

“Oh, sorry did I interrupt something?” she asked.

Not exactly. “No, but—”

“Then it’s fine,” she said. “Come on, Peter. It’s time for dinner.”

I dodged when she reached for my arm. “I can walk myself Sunshine.”

“If you’re sure,” she said.

Damn sure. I was not doing that again. “Come on,” I said walking past her and out the door.

To my relief, Grover was waiting for us outside. He waved

We met up with him and we all headed to dinner together.

Later, the three of us joined Nico at the Zeus table. Miss Sunshine and Grover chatted throughout the meal and Nico was too busy glaring at his sister to pay me much mind.

Bianca was with the rest of the Hunters who were acting all merry and stuff. I spotted Zoë there at the head of the table. She was just like I had imagined her to be, elegant and regal with that silver lieutenant’s band, glittering in the dark braids of her hair.

It was a nice mindless meal. I didn’t have to talk much, but I still felt included as lame as that sounds. I was even a bit sad when we finished eating and Chiron made the customary toast to the gods and formally welcomed the Hunters of Artemis.

There was some pitiful fanfare and then Chiron announced the “good will” capture-the-flag game for tomorrow night and then it was time to leave.

I turned to Miss Sunshine to excuse myself, but she spoke first asking, “Do you want to play Mythomagic with us, Peter? We’d love you to join.”

I looked over at Grover and Nico. Grover was watching the Hunters, but Nico was finally looking at me. There was no love in the kid’s eyes.

Miss Sunshine continued into the awkward silence. “Nico is always saying an even number is best.” She turned to the son of Hades. “Right Nico?”

When he didn’t respond, she elbowed him. Nico muttered a, “Yeah, sure,” but his eyes still resembled sharp cutlery.

“No thanks, Sunshine. I’m going to call it a night,” I said as I stood up. Dinner was on thing. Card games was quite another. It was time to go.

“Oh,” Miss Sunshine said obviously disappointed. “Okay then. Goodnight then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Goodnight,” I said quickly. Then I left her, Death Glare, and Grover behind.

It was for the best. I was more than ready to go to bed. When I got back to my cabin, I zipped through my night routine. Then I laid down and tried to get comfortable in my bed.

I was a bit nervous. With three people missing from camp my dream tonight was going to be especially important. I closed my eyes and waited to find out who was trapped on the Mountain of Despair.

I was walking across an obsidian desert of stone.[12]An eerie fog surrounded me. It dug in its icy fingers and filled me with a frigid chill and a sense of melancholia. Each step I took into the ethereal abyss echoed like a dark siren’s song. Each breath cost me as warmth and comfort leaked out of me like sand from a cracked vase.

I rasped and struggled to move in the depressing landscape. Onyx stone pillars, like great trees in a forest in a holt of darkness appeared from nowhere. They seemed to mock my confusion and unease.

Still, I pressed forward. Even as I shivered with apprehension, I stayed strong. My fists were clenched and my jaw was set as I strode purposely through the miasma. Knowing that each step, each breath, each footfall would bring me closer to her.

As if I summoned her with my very thoughts, she appeared through the gloom. Even in the dank light, I could make out her athletic lithe body, her California tanned skin and her fairytale princess long wavy blonde hair fashioned into a ponytail. She wore her usual orange Camp Half-Blood t-shirt and I could just make out her father’s college ring and the cord of camp beads around her graceful neck.

“Annabeth.”

It was the merest whisper on the wind. The fog swallowed up the word, but it could not extinguish the feeling in my chest.

But that precious feeling was still dampened. For Annabeth was not standing tall and proud as she usually did. No. It was not to be so. Instead, Annabeth was sheathed in sweat. Her graceful figure was stooped. Her shapely legs and arms were bent as she carried the very world on her shoulders. Its celestial mass swirled with the colors of an entire planet:

Milky whites, deep blues, vivid greens, glassy aquas, intense violets, shades of cerulean, flashes of gold, slivers of silver and the darkest of blacks. The colors were as bright as they were unfathomable. My eyes as keen as they were, were nearly blinded by the sight and even if they had not been, I would not have given the majesty a second glance.

Such glorious vistas mattered not when my Starlight was in pain.

I began to walk with new purpose. I had to get to her, Annabeth, my Starlight. It was good to see her even as she was, even with all that must still be done here. I was glad that I was finally going to be reunited with her.

As my footsteps drew me even closer to my goal, my purpose. I spoke again, forcing power into my words to defeat the dark gravity that surrounded us. “I have returned,” I said with all my being.

Annabeth looked up and it really was like seeing the stars for the first time. Her silver-grey eyes sparkled like them. And her smile, though she was sweating and trembling, my Starlight still managed one. She was a princess. Proud, noble, and true, that coy sassy closed-mouth grin was a testament to such.

She said with a wry exhausted voice that shook as much as her limbs, “I didn’t think you were coming back.”

Her voice, how I missed it. It was a sound I would never forget, smooth, bright, and clear like a crystal lake at daybreak.

I strode forward with renewed confidence and bravado. I had finally reached her, at last. “I don’t know why,” I replied stoutly. I positioned myself so that I was a hair’s breath away from her. I could feel the heat between us. Then I lowered myself, flexing my limbs and preparing to take the load of the sky itself. “I did pledge to assist you,” I reminded her.

“Yeah but—” she began and I could hear the unspoken worries that plagued her even now.

“But nothing,” I replied swiftly. I would not let those fears fester. “She will never know I was here.” I proclaimed. “I will make sure to vanish when the time comes, but for now, let me ease your burdens.”

I was ready. I had prepared myself for this burden which she had had to bear alone for too many moons. Then I stood up with my arms raised and lifted some of the sky onto my back.

I gasped.

Pain.

Agony.

Torture.

The sky weighed me down like nothing else. My own limbs began to tremble and I knew if it was possible, I would have collapsed as surely as a twig between a wolf’s jaws, such was the excruciating pain.

I had to fight not to scream like a fury at the all-encompassing affliction, but I would not shriek like a banshee. Annabeth was not letting her suffering be heard. She was not whimpering or yowling like some sorry beast caught in a bear trap. I must be like her, I told myself. I must be strong and proud. I forced myself to swallow my cries and turned my head to look upon her.

It was easier to smile when I had her face to gaze at. Her sharp features were as mesmerizing as always.

Our eyes met. Nickel-gray to silver-steel.

Her expression was unlike her. It was soft and full of gratitude. I could feel the warmth of it. Despite our surroundings and the deep despair that seemed to permeate through the very air. I felt hope fill me.

Alas, Annabeth did not hold my gaze for long. As soon as she beheld it, she looked away and said in a gruff yet feminine voice, “Your head is full of stardust, New Moon.”

I felt my grin widen as it did every time, she called me that. That one phrase captured the essence of our completely platonic comradery.

I replied in a cheeky tone, “Not stardust, just you, Starlight.” Then I winked at her.

Annabeth snorted, a sound that was uncouth and yet still refined. I knew her well enough to know that her apparent derision masked genuine delight.

She said in a choked-up voice filled with love and pleasure and all things good and painful, “You’re lucky I have to hold up the sky. Otherwise, I would elbow you in the stomach for saying that cheesy line out loud.”

I laughed with all the strength I could muster. It was a guffaw. A false show of merriment that I wish was real. As I did so, I made my trembling legs straighten. I did my best to ignore the onslaught of pain as I forced myself to carry even more of the sky.

Then the actions that I so intrepidly took on had the desired effect. My heart soared like an owl in the night sky. I had done it. My bright mood, my paltry strength, and Annabeth’s own bottomless humor had made my dearest friend laugh.

There was no sound sweeter. I wanted to lose myself in that carefree music.

Suddenly my own laughter became genuine. I was joyous and jubilant beyond reasoning. I had accomplished my mission. I had lightened her load in more ways than one.

My Annabeth, my Starlight, I had reminded her that she was not alone. I had proved once again that our friendship was stronger than her anxiety. She was my partner and I was hers. I was made to support her.

After all, a star shines brightest under a new moon.

Footnotes

[1] Yes. Andi has been cursed by Aphrodite to never experience requited love. This was revealed in Lightning Thief and is the main reason Andi and Luke never got together. Andi loves Luke, but Luke loves Annabeth.

[2] Tell a White Lie Day is on April 4^th.

[3] It’s true. Nico whispers, mutters, mumbles, murmurs, hisses or otherwise speaks quietly. He wasn’t like this in the Lightning Thief or Sea of Monsters fics. I guess he’s changed his speaking patterns because he’s supposed to be dark and mysterious now.

[4] Peter doesn’t know, but from past fics, we know that Bianca should be with the Hunters.

[5] I assume Andi learned this from Apollo.

[6] I’m doing these here as a point of reference (yes these are the actual page numbers and paragraphs). In the original fic these references were like everywhere in Peter’s chapters, but I no like (I know shocking), so you won’t be seeing them after this.

[7] More on this later.

[8] Ah yes…remember when this meme was new?

[9] As a general rule, Andi’s chapters will include more of the original PJO Titan’s Curse prose than Peter’s. That’s simply her Sueish charm coming into play. However, no matter who we follow, I promise that there will be surprises in store.

[10] Andi never boarded the Princess Andromeda because Nico supplied the ship she used in Sea of Monsters. Andi has also never seen Kronos.

[11] This is what Aphrodite claims happened to her during the Lightning Thief fic.

[12] This entire dream sequence is told from someone else’s POV. But who’s POV is it? That’s what Alpha and Beta R asked their readers years ago. So, in turn, I’ll ask you guys. Who do you think New Moon is? I will take your guesses at the end of the chapter.

Chapter Text

Chapter 12: Peter And I Are The Bestest of Friends

(Andi)

It had been 4 minutes, 37 seconds, and 49 jiffies and Peter was still sitting outside on the steps of the Big House.

I sighed. I still had over 2 minutes and 52 seconds to go before I could go over and talk to him.

Earlier today, Peter had surprised me by sitting with me, Grover, and Nico in the meadow without me even inviting him to. It was ground breaking. Even if all he wanted to talk about was his weird dream. I had been living on Cloud 9, but then I had to go to my advance mist manipulation lessons and our group broke up.

Nico said he had things to do and disappeared into the day. Peter had wondered off and Grover being Grover, had stayed just long enough to give me a stupid brochure on the Hunters.

After my advance mist manipulation lesson, I got yet another surprise. Peter was sitting outside on the steps of the Big House. He had told me he wanted to be alone for a bit.

Only a bit![1] And he had said it nicely too. He hadn’t even used a bad word.

I could hardly wait to talk to him so I had decided to lay down in the strawberry fields just out of sight.

It wasn’t spying. It was waiting which I wouldn’t have to do if Grover wasn’t off chasing after the Hunters.

When there was only 16 seconds and 3 jiffies to go, Peter looked this way and that. Then he got up and crept inside the Big House.

I waited and counted down the last few seconds. Then when the bit of time was officially over, I dashed towards the house to find Peter.

I looked around the house. If Peter was looking for company, there wasn’t any to be found in the house. Chiron was conducting target practice down at the archery fields. Mr. D and Argus were gone. Even Nico was off doing who knows what.

I checked every room on the ground floor just to be sure, but no one else was here. I hadn’t found Peter either.

“Peter?” I hissed hesitantly. Something about the empty house made me want to be quiet.

I heard a crashing sound up above.

Of course!

There was still one person in the Big House.

The Oracle!

Peter must be in the attic. I made my way upstairs just as Peter was coming down.

“Fuck!” he swore, inappropriately as he saw me. “What are you doing here, Sunshine?”

I wrinkled my nose at his language and informed him, “It’s been a bit, so I wanted to give you some female companionship. I’m much better company than the Oracle.”

Peter just stared at me with his mouth open.

“And it’s not against the rules to talk with me, so there’s that too.” Though consulting the Oracle wasn’t a bad idea. Maybe I should ask for permission. I could ask her about Luke. Maybe the Oracle would know something the gods didn’t.

Peter interrupted my musing by asking nervously, “You’re not going to rat me out, are you?”

“Well...” I wasn’t sure. “Did the Oracle tell you anything?”

“No, she just sat there,” he said boringly.

“Really?” I asked intensely.

“Really,” he said, believably.

“Oh.” That was disappointing.

“So?” he prompted, anxiously.

“I don’t know.” I was still undecided. This was the fourth camp rule Peter had broken since coming to camp. Even if the Oracle hadn’t said anything, it might be time for him to be taught some sort of lesson.

“Come on Sunshine. Don’t be a snitch,” he pleaded, beggingly. After a moment he even added, “Please.”

My eyes lit up. He had said please again. The last time that had happened, I got him to agree to sit with me. I kept my face serious as I tapped my chin and said, “Sounds like you really want me to stay quiet. I might be persuaded, but it’ll cost ya~”

“What do you want?” he said, seriously.

“Another month,” I said promptly.

He closed his eyes. “I should have fucking guessed. Fine. But you tell no one about this, not even Nico and Grover, alright? This will be our little secret.”

A secret!

Only friends and hot guys have secrets. I doubted that Peter and Grover had any shared secrets.

I nodded gravely.

“Stop smiling,” he pouted, “And come on. Let’s get out of here.”

I happily followed him downstairs.

Once we left the Big House, I wasn’t able to convince Peter to do volleyball, or archery, or swimming at the lake, or horseback riding, or sword fighting, or even rolling around in the strawberry fields.

Instead, he told me, “Really Sunshine, when I said ‘a bit’ I meant more than like 5 minutes.” Which I already knew.

Then he’d gone to the beach and dove in the water fully clothed and didn’t come out until dinner time. I know because I waited for him and he let me accompany him to the dining pavilion like the friends we now were.

Peter had then distracted Nico by asking him about Mythomagic. Nico had been suspicious at first, but soon he perked up and told Peter all about his favorite game. Peter listened and asked questions like he really cared. Nico enjoyed the attention.

I suddenly felt like the bestest friend ever. I had given my two boy friends another friend. I felt more than ready to show those silly Hunters the power of male friendship.

Their brochure was still burning a hole in my pocket. I had glanced at it 68 times while I waited on the beach for Peter to return. It had been insulting.

Why would I want to forsake men? Just because I was cursed didn’t mean I wanted to give up on love or men.[2] The sirens had shown me what I wanted.[3]

And I liked men. They liked me. Every week I was sorting through a mountain of kind and thoughtful love letters.

Plus, there was Nico, Grover, and Peter. They all really liked me. And I really liked Peter and Nico. Plus, there was Luke. I really really really liked him.

So as much as I wanted to please Daddy by making female friends, it wasn’t worth it. It really wasn’t. Boys made the best friends. Forsaking them was dumb and I’d prove it by defeating the Hunters in a game of capture the flag.

So, when dinner ended, I looked around to see who would join me in victory tonight. There were 13 campers who were playing: Me, Becky, Sherman from the Ares cabin, the Stoll brothers from the Hermes cabin, Drew, the other Mitchell, Harriet, and Belle from the Aphrodite cabin, Lee and Mitchell from the Apollo cabin, Nico, and of course Peter.[4]

As Peter, Nico and I headed over to join the other campers, Peter said, suddenly out of nowhere, “I’ll take the offense. You take defense.”

“Oh.” I hesitated because I had wanted to do offense, but I guess I shouldn’t be picky. After all, friends made sacrifices for each other.

But before I could agree with him, Peter surprised me by saying, “Or I could take defense.”

“Really?” I clapped my hands together. He was being so nice!

“Yeah,” he said, kindly.

“Goody!” I said, smilingly.

Peter shrugged and smiled like he had won something.

I smiled even wider. He’d been smiling at me a lot recently. It was clear as crystal that I had finally gotten through to him yesterday.

“Hey Andi,” Nico whispered.

I turned. His face was deadly serious.

“What is it, Nico?” I asked, but I already knew.

“I’ll be on defense,” he declared softly.

I nodded.

“Be careful,” he murmured.

At that moment, Chiron’s hoof thundered on the pavilion floor.

“Heroes!” he called, sagely. “You know the rules! The creek is the boundary line. Pink team—Camp Half-Blood—shall take the west woods. Hunters of Artemis—silver team—shall take the east woods. I will serve as referee and battlefield medic. No intentional maiming, please! All magic items are allowed. To your positions!”

“Tally-ho! Pink team!” I cried out.

Everyone cheered and followed.

We set up our flag at the top of Zeus’s Fist which is a cluster of boulders in the middle of the west woods that, if you look at it just the right way, looks like a huge fist sticking out of the ground. It was nifty that Daddy had something at camp named after him and it was such a swell place to set the flag.

The top boulder was twenty feet tall and really hard to climb, but the flag was clearly visible, like the rules said it had to be, and it didn’t matter that the guards weren’t allowed to stand within ten yards of it.

I let Peter set Becky and the Stoll brothers on guard duty with Nico. Then I said, “We’ll send out decoys. Drew, you lead a team to the left.”

“Like if you like insist!”

“I do. Take Harriet, Belle, Lee, and the Mitchells. They are our best archers. Make a wide arc around the Hunters. Use your bow and arrows to attract as many Hunters as possible. Sherman, you and the other boys go right. Take care of any stragglers and aim for the flag.”

The Ares boy grunted his agreement.

“While you all are doing that, I’ll do my thing and catch them all by surprise.”

Everybody nodded. I looked at Peter. “Anything to add, Peter?”

“Um, yeah. Keep sharp on defense. We’ve got four guards and some scouts, but that’s not much for a big forest. I’ll be roving. Yell if you need help.”

“That’s nice of you, Peter,” I said agreeably.

“You’re wel— I mean, remember it’s okay to leave your post if you see a golden opportunity.”

“Sounds good,” I said agreeably.

Peter scowled.

He had been so happy 5 minutes, 12 seconds, and 46 jiffies ago. Why was he grumpy now? He was so hard to read. I gave him a confused look.

Peter just shrugged and addressed the group. “Now, is everybody clear?”

Everybody nodded. We broke into our smaller groups. The horn sounded, and the game began.

Drew’s group disappeared into the woods on the left. The other group went right. Peter and his group stayed and guarded. I waited with them, standing with Nico.

“Why are you still here?” Peter asked me.

“It’s all part of the plan,” I said, assuredly.

“What plan?” he asked and I realized we had never played capture the flag together before. I didn’t usually participate, not since I was claimed during my first year.[5]

I smiled and began to explain, “Well you see—”

“Hey!” someone shouted.

We all turned. Bianca was walking toward us with her bow in hand.

“Hello, sister,” Nico said coming up to meet her.[6]

The two twins glared at each other. The area around them filled with darkness.

“What the fuck,” Peter said, swearingly.

“Language,” I hissed, chastisingly.

Then Bianca pushed Nico aside and shouted rudely, “Hey ANN-DYE![7] Stop gossiping with your fan club and come over here and fight me!”

I stared at her as Nico was still trying to control her and I told her, “Firstly, I’ve told you before my name is AnDi and secondly, Peter is not in my fan club. Though he’s welcome to join,” I turned to him. “Grover leads the meetings. They happen every Thursday at 1 pm.[8]” I turned back to her. “And thirdly, Bianca, we’re in the middle of capture the flag. Now’s not really the—”

I stopped talking because as quick as Jack, Bianca had lifted her bow and shot an arrow at us. It was easy to use my mind to blow it off course, but still.

“Hey!” I cried angrily. “What was that for!”

“Shutting you up because now is the perfect time to fight. [9] So, fight me, Ann-dye,” she pulled back another arrow.

I might have just redirected the arrow and not fallen for her bait if not for what happened next.

Nico tried to stop his sister from attacking me again. He moved forward and was whispering something to her.

In response, Bianca lowered her bow and arrow. She smiled at him, announcing, “Oh brother, I once believed you when you said such things to me but,” Her voice rose. “I don’t have time for puny words from puny men anymore!” Then with her newly free hand, she thwacked Nico so hard he fell down to the ground.[10]

“Nico!” I cried. I waited for Nico to get up, but he didn’t.[11]

Meanwhile, Bianca laughed cruelly.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” I growled menacingly because now it was personal. I turned to one of the Stoll Brothers. “You get the flag.”

“I’ll go!” Peter offered before the brother could speak.

I glanced at him. I wasn’t sure Peter was up to this.

“Let him,” one of the Stoll Brother said.

“I’m waiting, Ann-dye!” Bianca shouted. She had her foot on Nico’s stomach like some sort of roman gladiator.[12]

“Get the flag,” I repeated commandingly to the boys. Then I pressed my hand to my chest and summoned my mini master bolt. “I’ll be back.”

Footnotes

[1] Fun fact: a bit is 12.5 cents. So, I guess Andi thinks a bit of time is 12.5 per cent of an hour i.e., 7.5 minutes.

[2] Again, Aphrodite has cursed Andi to never experience requited love.

[3] In the Sea of Monsters fic, Andi pulls an Annabeth and asks Nico to let her listen to the siren song. We then got to see Andi’s true desire: to have a family, and experience requited love with Luke.

[4] Of all the names mentioned here, only Harriet and Belle are non-canon. I looked to see whether there might be some appropriate canon female names to sub in here, but there is a startling lack of Aphrodite names to choose from especially from the pre-Lost Hero era. Lacy is 12 in Lost Hero and probably wouldn’t be at camp yet and Valentina doesn’t show up until Trials of Apollo. Obviously, there is still Silena, but I was not going to include her. It would just be too weird.

[5] The reason for this will become apparent next chapter, but I bet you can guess.

[6] He said! For Nico, this is practically shouting.

[7] Ann-dye is Bianca’s special nickname for Andi. Interestingly, it’s a much less effective taunt than Annie.

[8] The fan club was established in the Lightning Thief fic after people found out that Andi was the daughter of Zeus.

[9] As a continuation from previous stories in the fic series, Bianca continues to have bad timing.

[10] This unfortunately is not the first time Bianca has hit her brother in this fic series. The two of them have always had an unhealthy relationship. Think anime tsundere type violence. It could be brutal and yet no one seemed to see it as such. I am glad it is taken more seriously here.

[11] In previous installments, when Bianca attacked Nico, he would get up immediately. She never left bruises or anything like that. Again, their relationship ran on anime comedy violence rules.

[12] So, I definitely feel like Bianca’s hamming it up this chapter, but I’m not sure whether this is because fanfic or whether this is an intentional move on Bianca’s part to lure Andi into a fight.

Chapter Text

Chapter 13: Everyone Hates Me But The Mary Sue [1]

(Peter)

I had no god damn idea what was happening. One minute, we were setting up capture the flag just like we were supposed to. The next, Miss Sunshine was staying behind instead of going with the second group (which consisted of one guy?) to be ambushed.[2]

That had been weird enough, but then Bianca had shown up, bitch slapping Nico and cackling like a supervillain. Suddenly, all our plans had gone to shit.

When Miss Sunshine had walked off to deal with bitchafied Bianca, Beckendorf had rescued Nico and taken him back to Zeus’s Fist. There, the son of Hades was still crying as Beckendorf and the Stoll Brothers tried to comfort him. Do I even have to explain how out of character that is?[3]

With all that nonsense going on, it had been up to me to get the flag.

It had been easy to go to the Hunter side and grabbed the flag from off the tree. There were guards but none of them seemed to notice me. They were all too busy watching the showdown between two of the Big Three’s kids by the creek.

The epic video game-like final boss battle was kind of hard to miss.

Bianca was creating large cracks in the ground that were spewing out skeletons and columns of fire as she attacked Miss Sunshine with her arrows.[4] The Hunter kept using the columns of flame to set said arrows on fire Legend of Zelda style, all in an effort to hit Miss Sunshine who was flying. [5]

That’s right. Flying![6] Who needs a fear of heights when you could be a boring cookie cutter Percy wannabe?[7]

The Mary Sue was up about 20 feet in the air. With one hand, the Sue was throwing her “mini master bolt” around and then calling it back to her. She used her other hand to control the wind and redirect Bianca’s arrows into the skeleton hoards to stop them from rising out from the hell fissures. The Sue did all this while dodging around fire columns with flips, spins, and other showy aerial tricks.

But wait, there’s more. Because of course there fucking was.

Bianca’s flames and Miss Sunshine’s lightning had barely hurt either of the them, but their clothes were wrecked, all scorched up and falling to pieces. Miss Sunshine’s frilly pink and white underwear was basically on full display.

So, it wasn’t just an epic video game boss fight, it was an epic ecchi video game boss fight.

With great effort, I turned from the crazy scene before I could determine the color of Bianca’s panties.[8] After all, I had not signed up to look at half-naked 12-year-olds.

But I couldn’t say the same for everyone else. Everyone, save Nico and Beckendorf, was watching the battle unfold now, even Zoë.

I shook my head.

It was only chapter 6.[9] What the fuck was this?[10]

Suddenly, Miss Sunshine cried out. A fire arrow had finally caught something that wasn’t clothing and she was falling.

Right at me!

I tried to dodge out of the way, but she fell on me anyway.

“Oh! Hi Peter!” She said from on top of me. “You got the flag?”

I moaned. The Mary Sue was surprisingly heavy.

“Goody!” She swiped the flag out of my hands and flew off.

I rolled over just in time to see the climax to this madness.

The Mary Sue was flying back towards Bianca like Superman. The hand with the flag formed a fist.

Bianca saw her and realized the Sue meant to finish the fight. The daughter of Hades summoned her largest fissure yet and created a massive wall of fire. Dozens of skeletons oozed out from the opening and flaming arrows appeared from what seemed like all directions trying to hit the Mary Sue.

Miss Sunshine used the hand that didn’t have the flag to make a waving motion. A large gust of frigid air blew through the forest. I was suddenly glad that I was already on the ground when the wind rocketed past me. It scattered the arrows, knocked aside the skeleton army, and blasted a giant hole through Bianca’s literal fire wall, leaving the Hunter wide open.

With her target in sight, Miss Sunshine accelerated towards Bianca. Before the Hunter could move out of the way, the Mary Sue slammed her outstretched fist into the girl’s stomach, propelling them both to the camper side of the creek.

Bianca crashed into Zeus’s Fist with a painful crack a few feet above Beckendorf and Nico. As the defeated Hunter slid to the ground, Miss Sunshine hovered above her, holding up the silver flag.

“Camp-Half Blood wins!” Chiron announced, seeming to appear from nowhere.

The Hunters began to cry, even Bianca who was somehow still alive.

 “Three cheers for Andi!” Chiron shouted over the noise.

And I kid you not people actually cried out ‘hip hip hooray’.

Fucking Sues…

One day later, I was gritting my teeth as I sat beside Miss Sunshine inside the Big House. I had spent most of the day in the Long Beach Sound avoiding her, but I had had to come to this quest meeting.

The Mary Sue had nearly pounced on me when I entered the Big House. Now she was sitting next to me, happily swinging her legs around and acting like we were the bestest of friends or whatever the fuck she was always saying. I wasn’t interested in her sueified version of reality. I had gotten enough of that yesterday.

I could barely believe what had happened. From Bianca bitch slapping Nico, to Nico crying, to the boss battle, it was all fucking crazy. Even the aftermath had been game breaking.

By the time, the Oracle arrived there had been no sign of Bianca’s hell fissures, the remaining skeletons, or any of the other wreckage from the fight. It all just disappeared like their battle had never happened.

It was honestly a damn miracle that Zoë had still received the same canon quest from the Oracle:

Five shall go west to the goddess in chains,

One shall be lost in the land without rain,

The bane of Olympus shows the trail,

Campers and Hunters combined prevail,

The Titan’s curse must one withstand,

And one shall perish by a parent’s hand.

After all the capture the flag nonsense, I had expected the Mary Sue to get the quest and for us to be searching for Luke instead of Artemis and Annabeth. I was glad that wasn’t the case, but still, yesterday had reminded me of a very important fact:

Andromeda Sunshine was a Mary Sue in a fanfic of questionable quality. She was fucking dangerous. The world bent to her will and was warped by it. I had been beginning to forget that fact, but I wouldn’t be so stupid again.

“I’ll go,” a voice whispered.

I looked up and saw Nico, who as the son of Hades had honorary counselor status, raising his hand.

I glanced over at Miss Sunshine, her hand was also raised as was Grover’s, Zoë’s and Bianca’s. That made 5.

“Wait a second,” I blurted out. “What about Phoebe?” I turned to Zoë. “Isn’t she your tracker?”

Zoë glared at Miss Sunshine and said, “Unfortunately, Phoebe was injured during Capture the Flag.”

The oblivious Mary Sue looked at her quizzically, not understanding the implication.

“Can’t you heal Phoebe with Nectar?” I asked. After all, Bianca was going on the quest and she had broken like all of her bones yesterday.

Nico turned to me and said in an angry hiss, “Nectar does not work on Centaur Blood.”

“It is like acid,” Zoë agreed.

I knew that, but it didn’t make sense. In Titan’s Curse, Aphrodite had helped the Stoll brothers give Phoebe a shirt sprayed with Centaur blood, but it was too soon for that. So, “How was she hurt with Centaur blood? It’s not exactly something we use in a capture the flag game, so where did it come from?”

My question was met with silence. Everyone’s head seemed to turn and face me at once. They all looked pissed and the strangest thing was that they were wearing the same angry expression, but no, it was more than that. It looked like they all had the same exact ‘crazy bitch going to murder you in the night’ face.[11]

No one said anything.

I didn’t breathe.

Then the moment was over. Time seemed to skip forward. People went back to their original positions like nothing had happened.

Zoë said in a normal voice, “Phoebe uses centaur blood on her arrows. In all the chaos and wind, she hurt herself with her own arrows. It is…very unfortunate, is it not?” There was a challenge in Zoë’s eyes as if daring me to point out how idiotic that explanation was.

I got that eerie feeling. I looked around. It wasn’t as creepy as before, but everyone’s eyes I saw, Chiron, Bianca, the counselors, had the same look. Even Mr. D. was watching me warily. Only Miss Sunshine seemed truly unaffected. She just looked confused.

I did my best to smile and said, “Yeah. Of course. Of course, it is.”

The intense mood instantly vanished. Zoë turned to Nico and said with a very different expression on her face, “As you are Bianca’s kin, I will trust that she will keep thee from being a burden.”

The discussion continued until Chiron finally concluded the council. “So be it,” he said. “Andi, Nico and Grover will accompany Zoë and Bianca. You shall leave at first light. And may the gods,” he glanced at Mr. D, “present company included, we hope—be with you.”

I had to force myself to stay and complain about me not being included like I was supposed to. Luckily, neither Chiron nor Grover wanted to talk with me afterwards. Chiron was busy with Miss Sunshine and Grover was drooling over Zoë.

Thank fucking god.

I took the opportunity and ran.

As I put distance between me and the Big House, I kept asking myself:

What in the actual fuck was that?

I hadn’t looked Miss Sunshine’s way during that first horrific moment, but besides her, I was sure everyone had been ready to eat me alive back there because what?

I had started to point out a plot hole?

I had always suspected that talking too much about PJO might have consequences but fuck!

Their faces had been child-like, oddly familiar, and filled with the type of rage reserved for insane people.

I entered my cabin and slammed the door shut like the door could protect me from those looks, or rather that one look.

That one face.

I shivered.

I was shivering despite the warm humid air in the cabin and I couldn’t stop.

I was scared. I had not been this scared in a long time, not since I’d gone to hell with Percy. And there was no Percy this time. I was alone.

Damn it!

I made myself sit down on my bed and wrapped the blanket around me like a wuss.

It had just been a look.

It was a warning and I just needed to heed it. That’s all.

From now on, I would be more careful and avoid mentioning plot holes and any other inconsistencies with PJO. I had already been trying to do that, but I would do better.[12]

I had some damn good incentive now.

I laughed.

It wasn’t funny, but laughing was better than the alternative, wasn’t it?

Footnotes

[1] Another familiar sounding title. It’s echoing Chapter 7 of PJO Titan’s Curse aka Everyone Hates Me But The Horse

[2] Yeah, if you actually counted last chapter: Drew’s group is 6 people including her. Peter’s group is 5 people including him. Then there’s Andi which makes 12. There are 13 total participating campers so that leaves Sherman all by himself. So, I guess Andi isn’t as good at counting as she thinks she is.

[3] Although it is out of character for canon Nico, our fic Nico was a sensitive cinnamon roll in the Lightning Thief and Sea of Monsters fics, kind of like ATLA Aang or SU Steven. Our boy usually was a pretty positive kid, but he cried a lot when he was reunited with Hades and he cried almost non-stop during the end of Sea of Monsters after Bianca left (before the epilogue/prologue anyway). So yes, Nico’s been acting all tough and disillusioned this installment, but that’s all it is, I think, an act. And if anyone was going to break through his new defense mechanisms, it would be his abusive sister.

[4] Though summoning hellfire for combat is a non-standard use of a child of Hades’ powers, it is technically possible. Nico created flames when he summoned skeletons in PJO Titan’s Curse. Furthermore, both Bianca and Nico are much more experienced with their powers as they figured out their parentage in the Lightning Thief fic.

[5] Yeah, this is a lot less feasible, but as Peter said, the fire arrows seem to be working on video game logic. And in a world with magic, what use is science and logic anyway?

[6] This is why Andi doesn’t usually participate in capture the flag. Flying in a game like this is totally broken. Even a young Alpha R recognized this fact.

[7] Oh, hi Jason!

[8] Since I know someone is wondering, from context clues in a later chapter, I am guessing Bianca’s lingerie is either black or silver.

[9] He means chapter 6 in PJO Titan’s Curse a.k.a. An Old Dead Friend Comes To Visit

[10] This.

        Is.

        SUE’S CURSE!

[11] More on this later.

[12] A lot better, I’d say. To be fair, Peter is a giant PJO fan and a natural critic. Keeping his mouth shut is not one of his strengths.

Chapter Text

Chapter 14: I Value Friendship More Than Advice

(Andi)

I couldn’t believe Zoë didn’t want Peter to go on the quest with us! Her reasoning was total tommyrot! If Nico and Grover were allowed to go, why couldn’t Peter?!

Instead, Bianca had been chosen. Peter was worth a zillion Biancas. Even Thalia was worth at least ten Biancas. Drew was worth like five Biancas and a half and Grover…

Maybe a Bianca and a third?

What about Nico? It was hard to say. Nico might not like the comparison. He was definitely worth more than a Peter but less than a Luke.

I frowned.

Was there a big enough number in the universe to quantify how many Biancas added up to a Luke? Maybe, if I converted Biancas into Peters, I would come up with a suitable number. How many Peters did it take to make a Luke? A few thousand or maybe just a few hundred. I did like Peter, but…

“Are you even listening, Andromeda?”

I looked up and saw Chiron piercing me with his gaze. He had been talking to me for over 16 minutes and we were now walking around the beach.

“I’m sorry, Chiron,” I apologized contritely. “I got a little distracted.”

“That won’t do, Andromeda. You must focus,” he advised sagely.

I nodded and tried my best to look sorry. It was hard because I didn’t want to be here. During the meeting, I had wanted to protest Zoë’s choice, but stupid Mr. D. had stopped me from speaking up like he often did.[1] And then, after the meeting, when Peter skedaddled swifter than a common swift, Chiron had stopped me from skedaddling after him.[2]

Apparently, Chiron had some very valuable advice he needed to impart to me right now. The advice was so valuable that it had taken him more than a kilosecond to explain it and I was growing antsy.[3]

Chiron sighed, sagely. “Very well, I will try to summarize,” he summarized sagely, “I understand you miss Luke, but you can’t let that dictate your every action.”

I blinked. I hadn’t been thinking about Luke. I had been thinking about Peter and how he compared to Luke which was totally different of course.

“I can see you do not comprehend me.”

“I don’t,” I admitted confusedly. It wasn’t like Chiron to talk about Luke. The two had been close before I came to camp, but nowadays the centaur acted like Luke didn’t exist.

Chiron sighed again and I knew I had disappointed him. I felt bad as Chiron advised, wisely, “Peter Johnson may one day be a great hero, but he is not Luke.”

“I know,” I said, knowingly. Obviously, one Peter was not enough, but how many Peters would it take? Probably several hundred. Like maybe 694 Peters? Or no, 832? Perhaps 777.6?  Though maybe I shouldn’t use decimals. That just tangled an already…

“Do you, Andromeda?” Chiron eyed me, sagely.

I nodded. Though I had lost track of the question. Quantifying the value of my friends was really hard.[4] Chiron wouldn’t understand. I didn’t think he had many friends.

“Good,” he approved, wisely. “Because Mr. D. and I have been worried about you.”

My eyebrows came together. “Mr. D? Worried? About me?” He didn’t even call me by the right name. He was one of the few people I knew who might be worth less than a Bianca.

“Well, not in so many words,” Chiron amended sagely, “but yes. With the great prophecy coming, all the gods are watching you closely. It is my hope that you will be ready when the time comes. That is why I have permitted you to go on quest after quest.”

I nodded. He had said as much last summer before Luke had disappeared.[5]

“And it is also why you must be careful about the friends you choose, especially with this quest. It is of a delicate nature and Zoë and Bianca will need to have the best campers around them to help them succeed in recovering Artemis. Do you understand?”

“Of course,” I said, decisively. Although I was friendly with all the boys at camp. I didn’t try to be close friends with every guy who wrote me a love letter. There were way too many.

Nico and I were good friends of course. Grover was one of Luke’s best friends so he was allowed to be in my presence.[6] And Peter…well he was the son of Poseidon. I liked him despite his rough ways and his many, many faults and he needed me more than anyone, even Grover.

 “I am glad you understand,” Chiron said as he gave me an enigmatic sage smile. “I may not always understand prophecies like some of my brothers, but I am sure you are meant for greatness Andromeda.”[7]

I smiled back at him. I had made him happy.

“Now, I have given you much to contemplate before your quest tomorrow. I will leave you to it,” he said and he galloped away, sagely.[8]

I watched him go and was about to leave the beach myself when I heard a sound.

“MooooOooo?”

I turned and was surprised to see a familiar face in the water.

“Oliver?”[9]

The cute sea-cow with its large eyes and gentle features looked up at me.

“How did you get here? Did you swim all this way just to see me?” I cooed.

“MOooo. MooOOoo.”

“It’s good to see you too,” I cooed again as I reached out and petted its smooth skin.

Oliver closed his eyes and mooed some more.

As I petted the cutie patootie, I thought long and hard about what Chiron said.

I did miss Luke.

A lot.

More than a Luke’s worth of Biancas.

There was a constant ache in my chest because of his absence. Every day I searched for him and yet I had found diddly-squat after all these months. If I thought this quest would help me find him, that wouldn’t be a distraction.

It would be the bees’ knees!

But we were going to find Artemis and Luke wasn’t Artemis. And a single Peter certainly didn’t equal a Luke. So, as with a lot of invaluable advice, Chiron’s made less sense than a silver dollar.

At least I understood Chiron’s other piece of sage advice about friends. It was important to go questing with people with experience and people who you could trust. Thus, it was clear as crystal what needed to happen.

Chiron had literally told me that he wanted me to add Peter to the quest without telling me to do it, by saying stuff like Peter would probably be a great hero one day and that great heroes like me and Peter needed to go on quests. So, that meant I needed to kick Grover out of our group. After Bianca, who I couldn’t get rid of, Grover was the weakest link.

It was such a relief.

Peter would be a lot more useful than Grover. Peter actually spent his time training and he wasn’t always messing up, pretending to understand emotions, or getting himself captured and forcing his friends to risk life and limb to save him.[10] Plus, between me, Nico, and Peter, we’d have a kid from each of the Big Three on this quest. [11]

Together we would be worth a bazillion Biancas.

I smiled. “Me and my friends are going to save a goddess,” I told the sea-cow.

“Mooo?”

“I know! I’m full of beans just thinking about it,” I said, excitedly. “We’re going to have the bestest time ever![12] I can’t wait to tell Peter the good news.”

I patted the cutie pie and said, “I’ll see you later, Oliver. I’ve got to go.”

Oliver seemed to understand because he mooed a goodbye as I ran towards camp. I had the biggest smile on my face. It was finally time to get rid of Grover.

Footnotes

[1] This must have happened 'off screen'. We didn’t hear a word from Andi or Mr. D. during that meeting but Peter was understandably pretty distracted.

[2] A common swift is a type of bird. It can fly faster than 68 mph or 110 km/h.

[3] One kilosecond is 1000 seconds or 16 minutes and 40 seconds.

[4] How many Peters does it take to make a Castellan called Luke? The world may never know.

But seriously, don’t try to quantify the value of your friends in terms of Biancas, Peters, or any other measurement.

[5] In the Sea of Monsters fic, when Thalia had complained about Andi getting yet another quest, Chiron had told Thalia that Andi was special and destined for greatness and thus she deserved and required more quests than Thalia. After that, Thalia had challenged Andi to a duel for the quest which Thalia predictably lost.

[6] And so, Andi finally admits it. Grover is really Luke’s best friend (after Annabeth) and that is why Andi keeps the satyr around. Lord knows it’s not because Andi likes him.

[7] Mars is bright tonight.

[8] Chiron is so wise and knowing that he even moves sagely…I guess?

[9] Oliver aka Bessie showed up in the Sea of Monsters fic. He saved Andi and Nico from the sirens.

[10] Grover did mess up a lot in the Lightning Thief fic. Most notably: He almost got Andi killed before she got to camp. He told Andi to trust Aphrodite and Annabeth. He cockblocked Andi multiple times as she tried to romance Luke. He also had to be dragged out of the Lotus Hotel and then he wanted to kick Nico and Bianca out of the group because they smelled like death. And finally, he was held hostage by Aphrodite during the big confrontation at the end. As for the kidnapping, she’s talking about Sea of Monsters though the hostage situation from Lightning Thief could also work. The middle accusation is trickier. It might just be untrue, although it could also be a reference to the fact that if Grover could sense emotions, he should have picked up on Andi’s dislike of him a long time ago. However, despite their empathy link, Grover hasn’t noticed a thing.

[11] I suspect she intentionally forgot Bianca.

[12] Considering what happened last quest, Andi’s optimism might seem out of place. Personally, I think she’s just trying to psych herself up.

Chapter Text

Chapter 15: I’ll Be Home For Christmas?

(Peter)

I held up a drachma coin and looked into the water of my cabin’s fish head fountain. It had taken me awhile to calm down after the meeting from hell and then I had to convince myself to pick this damn coin up out of the fountain.

I knew what I was supposed to do, plot wise, but more than that, I knew I had to do this for myself. I needed to know, even though all I wanted to do was end this fucking day.

I reminded myself that no matter what happened next, I’d be able to sleep after. With that mildly encouraging thought, I jerked my arm forward and tossed the coin in. Quickly before I lost my nerve, I made a short prayer to Iris and then I said the magic words:

“Show me Mom in Queens, New York City, my world.”

The mist around the falling water shimmered. I held my breath as an image began to form which meant I was holding my breath for a long ass time. It seemed to take forever for the image to come into focus. But that made sense, didn’t it? The message was crossing dimensions or whatever.

I watched anxiously as the scene slowly appeared in front of me. I saw a polished wood floor, claustrophobic shelves piled high with more kitchen appliances, pillows, and random knickknacks than you could ever want. And a woman.

She had her back to me and was crouching by one of the slightly less packed shelves trying to fit even more stuff onto it. Still, even from this angle, I could tell that she was short, had messy dark hair, and was wearing a familiar blue polo shirt.

“Mom?”

The woman’s head jerked up and she turned around.

Fuck yes!

It was her. It was really her. My mom, not Sally Jackson, was wearing her Bed, Bath, and Beyond shirt, looking half-asleep because she’d taken too many night-shifts this week because of course she had.

Mom rubbed her eyes and mumbled, “I must be falling asleep.” Then she turned away from me.

Shit.

“Mom? Mom! Turn around. It’s me, Peter,” I said and I knew I sounded desperate. I was desperate.

Seeing her there after so long was like being hit with a fucking train. I hadn’t seen or talked to my mom in months. I hadn’t really believed I would get to see her tonight either, but now that she was in front of me, I had to talk to her. I just had to.

But instead of acknowledging me, my mom stood up and reached into her pocket.

“Goddamn it, Mom. I know you can hear me!” I shouted. “Turn! Around!”

Mom did turn around. With her phone to her ear, she said in an abstracted voice, “Hello? Peter, is that you?”

I blinked. Why was she talking to the phone when she could just…

Oh!

It had to be the mist. I guess the Iris message was making it? Since Sally Jackson had clear sight, I had forgotten about the mist for a second, but it was probably stopping my mom from seeing me and now it was trying to explain my disembodied voice.

“Hello?” she asked again. She sounded confused and her eyes seemed oddly unfocused.

I swallowed. My earlier panic was gone, but for some reason, my voice shook as I said, “Hey, Mom.”

“Oh!” Her expression cleared and she looked like herself again. Thank god. “Peter! It really is you.”

“Yeah, it’s me.” And it was really her. Mom.

I had tried calling my mom on the phone several times since I had come here, but I kept getting the robot message about her number being disconnected or no longer in service. I had had no luck when I tried the house phone or when I emailed her. And when I called Bed, Bath, and Beyond, the number had worked, but it was this world’s Bed, Bath, and Beyond. They predictably and rather rudely informed me that Sarah Johnson did not work at their establishment.

It was at that point that I had decided that I wasn’t going to be able to reach my mom from this world. But then I got the cabin fountain a few days ago and remembered that Iris messages were a thing. They were magic, so I had half-hoped that an Iris message might be able to reach across the dimensions and connect with my mom in the real world. I knew it was a long shot and until now, I had been preparing myself to be disappointed.

Thank god I was wrong.

“How are you?” Mom asked. “How’s boarding school?”

“Boarding school?” I repeated.

“Oh right, they don’t like us to call it that. How’s your experiential home?”

My what?

“Is everything okay?” she pressed, “Your teachers, or no, your méntores, keep assuring me that you’re doing well now and have made friends, but are you happy?”

“Uh…yeah?” I was so confused. This wasn’t just a bit of mist. This was crazy. What the hell was she talking about? Had she not even realized I was gone?

Then she started crying, “It’s so good to hear your voice. You haven’t called in years.”

I paled.

Years?

Fuck.

Fuck!

This was bad. This was real bad.

“Peter? Sea slug? You still there?”

I nodded and I had to force out the words, “Yeah. I’m here.”

But she wasn’t, not really, because this woman I was talking to wasn’t my mom, at least not my real mom.

God damn it.

Of course, the Iris message hadn’t understood me. Of course, this wasn’t my real mom. Even though she looked like my mom and acted like my mom and she had called me by that embarrassing pet name and she was crying and…

Fucking God damn…Fuck!

The woman who looked like my mom had a watery smile on her face. “I hope that this means you’d be willing to visit sometime soon.”

A visit?

“Maybe Christmas?” she added hopefully.

I said nothing.

I didn’t want a goddamn visit. I wanted to go home. I wanted to talk to my real mom, not this alternative version who thought I hadn’t called her in years.

After a bit, the woman asked, “What do you think, Peter? Would Christmas be okay or are you too busy with school or, I mean, your new home?”

“No. Christmas. Sounds good,” I managed to say. Even though it was anything but good. It was a fucking nightmare.

“Alright. I’ll let Michael know. This will be great. Peter…I…” She shook her head. “You just keep studying hard, okay?”

“Okay.”

She looked past me and her eyes widened, “Shit. I mean, shoot. Peter, my manager’s coming, so I have to go, sea slug. Love you. Call me again soon, alright?”

“I—”

An angry voice called out from off screen. “Sarah! What did I say about personal calls during work hours!”

Before I could say anything else, the woman hung up and somehow that stopped the Iris message too. The vision shimmered and faded.

I stared at the fountain water.

First, the Big House and now this? This was fucked up.

I missed my mom. I missed her more than I had ever missed anything in my entire life and I didn’t appreciate being fucked with like this.

I hadn’t liked the fact I couldn’t reach my mom before, but it had at least made sense. Most phones don’t have inter-dimensional calling and I hadn’t thought I would reach a version of my mom from this world either.

Yes, this fanfic did take place in the US, but it was a fictional world with its own cast of characters for fuck’s sake. I knew that the world would have the same important people in it, like the president or Bill Gates, but I hadn’t expected it to include relative nobodies like my friends, or my mom. But my mom was here or at least a woman, who was called Sarah, looked like my mom, acted like my mom, worked at the Queens Bed, Bath and Beyond and was married to my step-father, was here.

It was fucked up and confusing. What was I supposed to make of this? It threw off everything I thought I knew about this world.

Up until now I had thought that this was an isekai type situation. I was in another world. I was temporarily here until the plot finished like Narnia, Familiar of Zero, or countless fanfics. But now…I didn’t know what the fuck was going on.

What exactly had happened to me before I awoke in Camp Half-Blood? Why was I here? Why did this world have a version of my mom in it? Did that mean there was another me in this world as well? Or was it like the Wizard of Oz movie? Was I actually just asleep somehow dreaming all this like in a coma? But why would I dream that scene in the Big House? Or Miss Sunshine? Or any of it?

What if it wasn’t a dream and I was just dead? What if this was hell? What if…

What if I never got to go home?[1]

“Argh!” I shouted and punched the stone fish.

It was a mistake. It hurt like hell.

“Fuck!” I yelled, cradling my hand.

I was crying now.

“God Fucking Damn it.”

“You should really stop swearing,” an annoying voice said from the doorway.

“And you should learn how to fucking knock!” I snapped. Even before I turned around, I knew who it was: Andromeda Fucking Sunshine. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” I asked, now facing her. “Were you raised in a fucking barn?”

Instead of answering my question or sniffing with disapproval at my “language”, the Sue just looked concerned. Her perfect little Mary Sue eyebrows were all scrunched up. “Oh, Peter, you’re crying. Are you okay?”

I laughed, wiping some tears off my face. Was I okay? “No, I’m not fucking okay,” I shouted at her. “Go the fuck away. I’m not—Get away from me!”

I backed up and bumped against the fountain as the Mary Sue quickly came forward with her arms outstretched. Before I could stop her, she wrapped me up in a hug.

I tried to pull away, but Miss Sunshine squeezed me tight and smashed my face against her boobs, saying, “I’m so sorry Peter. I had no idea that underneath your tough and ill-mannered exterior was a sad and sensitive soul, but it’ll be okay, Peter. You’ll be okay.”

I screamed, but the sound was swallowed up into the void that was the Mary Sue’s cleavage.

“Shush. There now. Rest easy on my bosoms,” she cooed softly, petting my hair as I struggled against her. “I’m about to turn that frown upside down.”

That might have made me laugh again if I wasn’t so god damn angry and if, you know, I wasn’t being fucking crushed against the Mary Sue’s big boobs!

Instead, I continued to fight against her herculean strength and regretted all my life choices, while she murmured softly, “I talked with Grover and he has graciously volunteered to give up his spot so that you can join the quest. Isn’t that just the peachiest? I know that quests can be dangerous, but I’ll be right there with you. And I promised a quest will be just the thing to heal what ails you. It’ll cheer you right up and increase your self-worth. Plus, we’ll become even closer friends and you’ll bond with other people too. It’ll be the funest, most fulfilling, most spinetinglingly thrilling thing ever and that’s the gospel truth, Peter. I swear it upon all the gods of this earth, you won’t regret coming. So, you are coming, right? You’re going to come with me on the quest and help me find Artemis and save the day, right? Right~?”

Why was she even asking?

Of course, I was coming.

How could I not when Andi sounded so sure? It would be an honor to go with her on this quest. I wouldn’t have to worry about a thing with her around. She would protect me and be a better hero than Percy Jackson had ever been because Andi was a beautiful, well-rounded, interesting, attractive, inspiring, heroic, amazing, generous, cheerful, kind, unique, strong, special, sweet, and perfectly perfect angel of a person who smelled like heaven and was my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

I blinked.

What the fuck?

What the FUCK????

No!

NO!

With great shove, I pushed the Mary Sue away.

She stumbled back.

I stood up and glowered at her shocked expression.

What the actual fuck had I just been thinking?[2]

After a couple days of being civil to her, I was already succumbing to her sueiness and this fanfic’s fucked up rules. Well, I wasn’t fucking having it.

Today, I had had the three most fucked up conversations I had ever had in my life and it was all because of this fucking Mary Sue. Without her and her fucking fic, I’d be home with my real mom. Save that, I’d at least have Percy.

Because of her, I was stuck here in this fucking shithole of a story.

“Peter?” She reached out to me.

I slapped her hand away. “Don’t you fucking touch me,” I snarled. I was not going to be fucking bewitched by this Mary Sue again.

The Sue recoiled, and said in a small tinny voice, “But why? I thought we were friends. And friends—”

“We’re not fucking friends!” I snapped. “We will never be friends!”

“But—”

“And I don’t want to go on the fucking quest with you. So, get the fuck out. Now!”

The Mary Sue didn’t move. She stared at me, seeming to not understand my words.

“I said: LEAVE!” I bellowed at her. “How many times do I have to fucking tell you to leave me the fuck alone, you crazy bitch. FUCK. OFF.”

The Mary Sue began to cry.

I didn’t fucking care.

When she turned away and ran out of the room crying her stupid ass Hollywood tears, I made sure to slam the cabin door shut behind her.

Then I stood there and glowered at the close door.

The Sue was gone, but not really, because she was still alive and well.

So, I was still fucked. Stuck in this shit world. And forced to go with the Mary Sue on a deadly fucked-up fanfic adventure, just so I could see my real mom again.

God Fucking Damn it.

I just wanted to go home.

Footnotes

[1] Although isekai was a somewhat familiar concept back in the old days of the early 2010s, I don’t think “isekai death by truck-kun” was a widely accepted idea when this fic came out. Hence why him being dead was not the first thing that came to Peter’s mind as an explanation for his predicament.

[2] What indeed? More on this later.

Chapter Text

Chapter 16: Nico Becomes One With The Darkness

(Andi)

I ran out of Peter Johnson’s cabin crying tears and feeling furious with him and myself. How could I be such a dumb-dumb?

I actually thought that I was finally breaking through Peter’s defenses and getting to know the real Peter Johnson and he rejected me. Again!

And it wasn’t an invite to eat dinner together that he had rejected. Oh no! Peter had said no to a quest.

A!

Quest!

Who didn’t like quests? People at camp literally killed for them. Thalia had tried to kill me for one once.[1] It was the highest honor to get a quest and the second highest honor to be invited to join one. Everyone wanted a piece of the Jonny Quest Pie.[2]

Everyone except, Peter. Apparently. He was the dumb-dumb. Why had he acted like I had suggested we go slaughter baby unicorns and drink their delicious life-giving rainbow blood?[3]

Why had he pushed me, slapped me, called me names, and worst of all, why had he said we weren’t friends and that we never would be?

It didn’t make any sense. Didn’t he know how hard I was trying to be not just a friend, but his bestest friend? Didn’t he realize how nice, polite, helpful, and amazing I was? Didn’t he understand how I had supported him in every way I knew how?

I had ignored his dirty mouth, made Grover keep an eye on him, and ignored how he kept pushing me away. I invited him to dinner almost every night. I searched for him when everyone else thought he was dead. I kept his secrets and made shady deals with him and today I had even hugged him and let him rest his head on my perfect pillow-soft bosoms![4]

Peter Johnson needed me. Anyone could see it, but instead of being thankful for all my friendly love and much needed help. He just acted like the meanest girl ever![5]

It wasn’t fair and I couldn’t bare it.

I ran into my cabin and I was ready to flop on the bed and have a good cry when I saw Nico sitting on my bed.

He raised an eyebrow. “Peter being an idiot again?”[6]

I wiped away some of my tears and nodded.

Nico patted the bed.

I took his invitation and sat down next to him. Then I said, angrily, “It’s not fair Nico! He is so couthy with Grover and Percy and practically everyone else.[7] He even listened to you talk about Mythomagic strategy all dinner long last night. And yet with me, the one person who has his best interest at heart, he’s cold, distant, and unavailable.” I stomped my foot. “Why?”

Nico’s eyes looked sad and soulful as he murmured, “I don’t know, Andi. Maybe he’s just jealous of you. Plenty of girls are.”

“Yeah but…” I sniffled and Nico gave me a hug. Unlike some people, Nico liked hugging me and enjoyed the honor being able to give and receive hugs from my person. And I needed this hug.

I leaned into it. It felt good after Peter’s rejection, like really good. Maybe too good?

Ever since this summer, Nico had become quieter, dark, and mysterious and sometimes he seemed more sagely than even Chiron. And Nico’s eyes were so soulful and alluring. They spoke of gentle understanding, a tortured soul, and other things, but I knew I shouldn’t be noticing those things about Nico.[8]

He was Nico. Nico, not Luke. No one could replace Luke in my heart. He was the love of my life. And I missed him more than Kansas.[9] So, it didn’t matter how soulful Nico’s eyes were. I knew that underneath those eyes were the eyes of that kid I rescued from the Lotus Hotel.[10]

I closed my eyes and made myself remember that kid, and not the soulful-eyed, soft-spoken, secretive siren I was embracing. Nico was so different back then, merrier, louder, full of energy. I had been all those things too, well except louder. I was the same volume then as I was now. But I had been merrier than a Christmas tree back then.

How could I not be?

Luke had been around. I was always happy when Luke was around. And we’d had so much fun at the Lotus Hotel. Back then things had been dandier than a posh swell. Back then I could hug Nico without giving myself a lecture.

Back then…before Luke was lost, before Bianca abandoned Nico, before I met Peter, my life had been peaches and cherries.

Now…

I hugged Nico tightly and said, “Life has been completely bananas recently, so I’m really glad we’re still friends.”

“Me too,” he whispered, “I’m really going to miss this.”

“So, will I—Wait. What? Why would I miss this when you’re right here?”

There was a heavy quiet in the air.

I pulled away. “Nico, what’s happened?”

Nico gave me a small smile as he murmured, “Nothing terrible, I suppose. It’s just my father contacted me.[11] He is ordering me and Bianca to come home tonight and he did not say how long we were to stay, so…”

Nico couldn’t go on the quest.

I looked at him enviously. I wished Daddy would order me to come home indefinitely. As close as he and I were, I had never felt like I could accept his many invitations to stay with him. I wanted to sometimes, but I just always felt like my place was at camp which is where I felt Nico belonged too. I didn’t want him to leave me. With Luke gone and Peter being the biggest weirdo ever, I felt like Nico was my only friend in the world and the idea of him leaving me hurt me.[12]

I began to cry.

Nico buried his head in my chest and hugged me tight. “I’m so sorry, Andi,” he whispered. “I know you wanted to go on this quest together. Maybe I could ignore my father and go with you anyway? How does that sound? You just have to say the word and I’ll do it.”

It sounded great. Nico was a true friend, but I couldn’t ask him to stay. He had just smiled when he talked about visiting his dad. Nico rarely smiled anymore. Most of the time he smirked if he was going to show any joy at all which meant he must be pretty jazzed about this visit.

So, I wiped away my tears and said unsteadily, “No, Nico, you should go. I’ll be fine. Really. And I wouldn’t want you to miss this for a silly quest. It’s not every day that your dad asks for a visit and it’ll be good for you to fraternize with him.”

“Yeah, I think it will be good for me and Bianca too, but I don’t want to leave you behind with Kelp boy and the nimrods.”[13]

I stroked Nico’s hair and repeated, “I’ll be fine.” I was now even more sure. It didn’t matter that I would miss Nico like the dickens or that I was going to be stuck with Zoë and probably Grover on the quest. I couldn’t let Nico miss this chance to get to know his dad and make up with his sister. I knew Nico missed her friendship a lot, almost as much as I missed Luke.[14] And I knew what Luke would say: Friends made sacrifices for each other.[15]

“But—” Nico protested again, quietly. He was worried about me. Nico believed in making sacrifices too.

I put on a smile, and said in a strong voice, “No more buts, mister. All I need you to do is make an effort to have oodles of fun with your dad and sister and promise me that you’ll come back and tell me all about your underworldly adventures.”

Nico looked up at me. His chin was in my bosoms.

I made sure to keep my smile steady as his soulful eyes searched mine.

Finally, he murmured, “Alright, I will. I promise I will. When I come back, you can tell me about your adventures too.”

“Yeah,” I said, bravely, “that sounds swell.”

“Yeah.”

We looked at each other and suddenly I was crying. He was crying. We were all crying and there were tears everywhere. I clung to Nico and pressed him into my bosoms.

Nico softly wailed, “I’m going to miss you, Andi.”

“Me too, Nico. Me too.”

As Nico got my bosoms all wet with his hot tears, I suddenly felt like he really was that old Nico again, the boy from the Lotus Hotel with the normal eyes who was like the little brother I never had.

I let Nico cry his soulful eyeholes out. I let myself cry too, not bothering to count the tears, as we waited for death to claim him.

Even after the witching hour came and Nico was consumed by darkness, I was still crying.[16]

Only now, I was alone.

Daybreak came too soon. I didn’t get a lot of shut eye last night and for some reason, Grover roused me from my slumber, acting clammy.[17] His mood got even peachier when I told him I wasn’t sending him to Coventry and when I revealed that it would just be me, him, and Zoë going on the quest, Grover was happier than a tickled pink sandboy named Larry jumping over the moon and landing on Cloud 9.[18]

“It’s a shame about Bianca,” Grover lied cheerfully as we stood in front of the camp, “but don’t worry about Nico and Peter. [19] Three is the best number for a quest anyway and I will keep you company as your loyal—” Grover paused and peered past me, “Hey! Isn’t that Bianca over there?”

I whirled around and saw that he was correct. Bianca and Zoë were sauntering towards us.

“You’re supposed to be in the underworld with Nico and your dad,” I said, remindingly to Bianca. She could be pretty forgetful.[20]

Both of the Hunters loured at me.

Then Bianca exclaimed snottily, “I belong to Artemis now, Ann-dye. No man holds sway over me, not even Lord Hades.” Then she lifted her nose and chin up in the air and she and Zoë flounced past us.

“So cool,” Grover breathed, leering idiotically as he began to stalk after them.

I sighed. I was plumb tired and didn’t have the energy to correct Bianca or explain to Grover why her words weren’t cool.

They were almost tropical. Nico would be as sick as a parrot about her not going home with him. I had been hoping they would kiss and make up, but now…

Poor unfortunate Nico.[21]

“Andromeda,” Zoë called back to me. “Come hither. We do not have all morning.”

I blinked. Somehow, everyone was in the van, but me.

“Come on, Andi!” Grover waved at me from inside the van. “I saved you a seat next to me.”

“Yeah, Ann-dye,” Bianca shouted, “Stop sleeping on the job!”

I sighed again. Poor unfortunate Nico. Poor unfortunate me!

I was in a very brown study as I slowly made my way to the van, chewing over whether it would be too dilatory to duress some other charile into sewing up this madcap peregrination.[22][23]

Footnotes

[1] Again, this is referring to Thalia challenging Andi for her quest in the Sea of Monsters fic.

[2] Uh…I guess she means the show? Having never watched Jonny Quest I’m unsure what a blond adventurer boy has to do with pie, but I can’t think of any other explanation for this statement.

[3] I think this is the fourth HP reference in this fic so far.

[4] There is a surprisingly short list of people who Andi is willing to hug and an even shorter list of people she lets rest on her…bosoms. She mentioned this in the Sea of Monsters fic while she hugged and comforted Nico after his sister joined the hunters. I think Andi’s reluctance has something to do with her vague tragic backstory. More on this later.

[5] With the exception of Mr. D., mean boys really haven’t existed in Andi’s life. And you could argue Mr. D. is a mean man and we all know there is a big different between a boy and a MAN.

[6] This is just an observation, but I love Nico in this fic series. He is probably my favorite character in the Sea of Monsters fic. He’s a total sweetheart there and in the Lightning Thief fic. And “dark” Nico is lots of fun too. In this moment in particular, he is just so sassy.

[7] As opposed to being un-couthy?

[8] Being attracted to someone who you shouldn’t be? Well, Andi is Zeus’s daughter after all. And considering all them underage Nico X Percy fics, I don’t really blame Andi for her attraction.

[9] I assume she’s referencing about Dorothy missing Kansas in Wizard of Oz.

[10] This happened in the Lightning Thief fic.

[11] Nico and Bianca both met Hades in the Lightning Thief fic. It was a very touching scene. Fic Hades has a major soft spot for his kids.

[12] I notice Grover is not even included here.

[13] Did you know that nimrod is another word for hunter? And here I thought it just meant stupid. The more you know~

[14] From what I know of Bianca’s and Nico’s relationship, this is disturbingly accurate.

[15] This was something Luke said a lot in the Lightning Thief fic.

[16] Bye Nico… ;-;

[17] As in: happy as a clam? Somehow sweaty doesn’t seem like a mood. Though with fic Grover, who knows?

[18] I assume it’s her bad mood, but Andi is even more thesaurus-y than usual in this section.

[19] Yeah, I don’t think Grover is lying.

[20] Bianca is not really forgetful. Andi thinks she is because Andi hasn’t realized that Bianca mispronounces Andi’s name on purpose.

[21] So sad, so true.

[22] Translation (Because I had to look this up): Andi is in deep thought as she walks to the van, wondering if it’s too late to make some other fool complete this crazy quest.

[23] This chapter broke the footnote record.

Chapter Text

Chapter 17: The God of Madness Thinks I’m Crazy

(Peter)

After the Mary Sue left my cabin, it took me forever to get to bed. My anger settled into grief about what happened today and it was a blessing when I finally fell asleep around dawn.

I didn’t dream of the Mary Sue, Percy, the other Sarah Johnson’s tears, the odd looks I had gotten in the Big House, or any of the other unpleasant things I’d experienced since entering this fanfic. Instead, my dreams were about Annabeth and her mysterious captor.

I was one with the shadows this night. Hidden and safe like a bear in its cave, but I was not asleep. How could I be when my Starlight was alone again? I watched with horror and pain as she struggled to hold up the heavens.

The small respite I had given her seemed like eons ago. The creature that held up the sky, did not look like my Starlight anymore. Its face was a mask of pain and suffering. Its eyes were hard as steel and its mouth was twisted into a sneer of self-loathing. As if it was its fault that its whole body shook and convulsed in giant tremors of pain. Or that its clothes and hair were dull and sticky with dank sudor from days of exertion.

My Starlight was a black hole.

It was ironic that something as beauteous as the heavens, that rainbow with its myriad of colors so divinely lovely it might smite the eyes of those who dared to behold it for too long, made ugly whoever dared to support its illustrious weight. This was the Titan’s Curse.

It ravaged my dearest Starlight, but her suffering would soon be at an end. I could hear the sound of her salvation, the metallic chorus of chain links rattling against the floor and each other.

She was close now and so was he.

Clink.

Clink.

Clink.

Clink.

Clink.

Clink.

Clink.

Clink.

The sound stopped and I turned, praying Annabeth would forgive me for looking away. My eyes beheld Paedotrophus and the Shepard. [1] They were framed by darkness and were illuminated by the sky’s light.

The Shepard was a man in the worse sense: Big, bulky, and brutal. The face rough-featured with tanned brown skin, the slick dark hair on his head, and the impossibly large muscles, hands, and feet, his whole body was made to endure.

That was it.

He had none of the elegance, cleverness, or beauty that one would associate with the great hunters of the world. There was no subtlety to him at all and he was proud of it. He wore his ridiculous suit to show off his muscles as if they could be ignored and that was only the beginning of his hubris. This man actually thought his physical strength made him powerful and that power was the only thing that was of consequence.

He used his impressive muscles and giant javelin to herd his own grandniece around like a farm animal. Because in his cruel stone-grey eyes, he saw nothing, but a weak female.

He disgusted me.

It was insulting to see the goddess so small next to him. Though I knew how it would be. She was bound in celestial bronze chains. Her silvery dress was torn and tattered. Her child-like face and arms were covered in scratches and nicks that were bleeding golden ichor.

It was pathetic. Even the anger in her yellow-silver eyes was underwhelming. Phosphorus was a fallen angel, a shadow of the goddess I once knew. [2]

Still, she was Soteira. [3] She glared at the Shepard like a petulant child and said in a feeble exclamation, “How dare you torture a maiden like this!”

There it was as I knew it would be. She was Philomeirax. [4] Some things did not change. I knew my Starlight was thankful for the goddess’s meager outburst. For, Annabeth said her first words in days. The syllables fell from her lips in a breathy rasp, “Help me.”

My heart felt like it was being twisted into a knot. I wanted to help her. I wanted to run to her and take us away from this evil place of failure and despair, but I could not go to her.

Not yet.

“Free my hands,” Dictynnaea whispered. [5]

After the Shepard bellowed with laughter and waved his javelin around like it was something to be displayed for all to see, he broke the goddess’s chains with a mighty swing of his pointy stick.

Hemerasia ran to Annabeth and to my relief, the goddess lifted the sky off of her shoulders. [6] My Starlight was free and yet still I held back.

I had to watch as Annabeth collapsed on the ground, a quivering mass of exhaustion and pain. I had to wait as the foolish Titan chuckled.

“You are as predictable as you were easy to beat, Artemis,” he said in the deep masculine voice I had grown to despise.

I cared not for his words, or the goddess’s reply, “You surprised me. It will not happen again.”

“Indeed, it will not,” the Shepard said. “Now you are out of the way for good! I knew you could not resist helping a young maiden.”

Indeed, he and everyone else knew this. He was hardly anything special in that regard.

“That is, after all, your specialty, my dear,” he continued.

“You know nothing of mercy, you swine,” Elaphaea whimpered. [7]

“On that, we can agree,” the man said for he could not resist talking and talking. All the while my Starlight lay there unattended.

“I will enjoy watching you and your ilk suffer,” he said. Then he finally turned to me, “Take the mortal away. I have no use for her.”

At last, I came forward, out of the shadows. I kept my gait unhurried despite my urgency to be by my Starlight’s side.

As I knelt before Annabeth, the goddess spoke. Her voice was already becoming weaker, barely a whisper. The light of the moon was nothing compared to a star. Basileis was not a true princess. [8] “You again,” Coccoca rasped, “Who are you? Why do you hide under that robe? Show yourself.” [9]

After everything, those were her words to me? I felt irritation rise up in me. How dare she speak thus!

There was a time when she would have recognized me without needing to ask. A time when I thought of Ariste as my guardian and my idol, but things had changed. [10] This goddess was not the Artemis I once knew. For, she was as good as dead and Heleia was no replacement. [11] This goddess was a mere pawn, so I bid myself to ignore her like the insignificant chess piece she was.

Annabeth, my princess, no, my queen, was far more important than a fallen angel. I carefully gathered up my Starlight’s listless body. It was so light, too light. I moved away from the goddess’s gaze and allowed the Shepard to speak for me, as all men will do if given the chance. “She is of no consequence to you goddess, not when you have me to contest with.”

Let him think that. Let them both think that. Let Apanchomena listen to the Shepard’s useless prattle. [12]

I focused on Annabeth and carried her away. As we crossed the dark desert of stone and lost dreams, I let the Titan’s voice echo around us unheeded like the meaningless noise it was. The Shepard thought himself a general. He spoke of Kronos and wars between gods and Titans like he knew all.

He knew nothing. For, he too was just a pawn, a minor character in the great story.

As such, none of this was about him. It was about Annabeth and about that fallen goddess. Together they would be enough to lure him in, the one who would change everything.

I could feel him watching me now. His mind was melded with mine, looking through my eyes.

I would send him a sign, a signal. I would let him know that I saw him.

I stopped wading through the shadowy abyss. I placed my Starlight down. My very soul was filled with regret, but she knew what this would cost.

He would get this message. He would save her, save us all.

I reached into my robes and took out an ornate-looking glass. It was a thing of beauty. Golden and delicate as a rose petal after a winter storm. Patterns of star-crossed lovers, the evening sky, roses, and love decorated its edge.

The reflection shone bright despite the lack of illumination. Yet even the mirror could not pierce through the dark mystery of my hood. The golden glass only revealed my nickel-grey eyes. It was enough, for now.

I smiled. I felt my lip curl and my eyes became crescent moons. “Come hero,” I muttered to the glass. My eyes flashed with a golden light. “Come. Annabeth awaits you.”

When I woke up, I stayed under the covers and stared up at the ceiling. I really wanted to forget about last night, my dream, everything I knew about isekais, PJO, and heroism, and not go after Sunshine and the Hunters. The last 48 hours had been fucking traumatizing and no one could force me to risk my life.

Probably.

Unless the owner of that face showed up.

I shivered in my warm bed.  I was lucky I had had a prophetic dream instead of nightmares about that moment in the Big House. If you could call it luck.

The dream raised its own questions.

Why was New Moon trying to get me to go to the Mountain of Despair? If they cared so much about Annabeth, then why had they joined in on tricking Artemis? What was Annabeth’s role?[13]

It didn’t make sense.

Why was I so important? It had sounded like chosen one bullshit and I didn’t appreciate it. Prophecies were only cool when they weren’t about me.

But I couldn’t just ignore the call to action. Annabeth was in trouble. I had already failed Percy. I couldn’t fail my Waifu too.

And then there was still the isekai stuff. I was almost positive that if I wanted to go home, I would have to go on this stupid adventure. That was how these things worked. I knew that, but I still didn’t want to get up.

As a last-ditch effort, my brain reminded me of an idea I’d been playing with for the last few days. Thalia had been practically written out of the plot after Titan’s Curse so there was a chance, a small chance, that I might be able to go home after this single quest.

Maybe.

It was a big enough possibility to finally convince me to get out of bed and go to the Pegasi stables. But when I looked at all the stalls, I realized that I had a problem. Because this was a shitty fanfic series filled with inconsistencies, things that should have happened in earlier books and would have giant repercussions for later books didn’t happen.

For example, the fact Andromeda Sunshine never boarded Luke’s ship, Princess Andromeda, which was a critical plot point because now she had no idea how powerful Kronos had become, or that there even was a ship. She also never caused a commotion on said ship so she never freed…you guessed it, Blackjack.

This was no “Book 3 fountain conveniently appears” or “Percy Jackson is a background character” situation either. I spent all morning asking around and getting weird looks. Blackjack did not exist in this camp and now it was almost noon and everyone was training, meaning the stalls were empty.

I sighed.

Now what?

“Kid, it doesn’t matter how long you keep looking about. He’s not showing up,” a voice said.

I turned and was greeted by the creepy sight of Mr. D. smiling at me.

“Good Morning, Mr. D,” I said hesitantly.

“Sir Perry,” Mr. D. said. “While you’ve been chasing shadows, I made sure you had a Pegasus to ride.” He gestured at a stall that I could have sworn was empty before. “Rocinante is yours.”[14]

“I told you—” the horse said poking out its white head. The thing’s mane was pink.

Gag.

“My name is Princess Rosabell Skylar Ruby Blush Sunbow Pinkerton, or Princess for short.”

God, tell me I heard that wrong. That name was Mary Sue levels of awful. It made Miss Sunshine look like a normal person. I have literally heard of my little ponies with less shitty names than Princess whatever the fuck.[15]

Mr. D. waved his hand dismissively at the Pony Sue’s protests and my look of utter revulsion. “Hardly the onyx cover-worthy beast you’re looking for, Perry, but beggars can’t be choosers.”

All my thoughts on Pony Sue’s unfortunate name vanished because this time Mr. D.’s words clicked. “You know,” I said with sudden excitement. Mr. D. was a god. Was it possible that he knew about more than Blackjack? What if he knew…everything?

Mr. D. smirked and said, “Of course, I know. I’m not just the god of wine.”

Well shit.

I blinked hard as my brief hope died. Of course. The god of madness just thought I was insane. “I’m not crazy,” I growled.

“Whatever you say, kid.” Mr. D’s smirk widened back into that eerie smile. “I’m not here to argue with you. I’m here to offer you a noble steed. She is just as anxious about getting to Miss Shoeshine as you are. And you know you’re running late as it is.”

He was right about that at least.

I glanced at Princess Pony Sue again. In her stable, I saw a golden saddle hanging on the far wall.

Fucking perfect.

I looked back at Mr. D. He was suddenly right in front of me. I took a step back.

What the fuck? Why was he being so pushy and creepy? If he didn’t know about me and this fic then, “Why are you even helping me?” I asked.

If he just thought I was crazy, then that was no reason to lift a finger. Hell, in the book, Mr. D. had tried to stop Percy because he hated heroes and didn’t like the idea of Percy leaving camp without permission.

“Because I like you, kid.”

I shivered.

“Or rather, I hate Annie. She needs to be taken down a peg and I believe you’re crazy enough to try.” He looked into my eyes. “I’m counting on you to try, Percy Jackson.”

I wasn’t sure if it was the fact, he had called me Percy Jackson or because he was giving me a crazy intense death glare that put Nico to shame, but I felt sick and unsteady like I was looking down from a great height. My stomach squeezed and danced unpleasantly and I just knew the only solution was to answer him.

I opened my mouth. Luckily, words came out, instead of vomit and I managed to say, “I will.”

“Good,” he said, slapping me on the back.

I jerked forward and then suddenly I was sitting on Pony Sue. We were outside of the stables.

I looked around wildly.

“Oh, and Perry,” Mr. D. said. He was leaning against Princess’s side as calm as anything. “Do yourself a favor and hold off on sharing your precious delusions with others.”

“They’re not—” I began to protest.

“It doesn’t matter what they are,” Mr. D. said seriously. “Believe what you like, but don’t expect others to understand. No one else will. In the end, they’ll end up calling you crazy and it’s hard to make a living as a crazy person. I can assure you of that.”

“But I’m not—”

“See you later, Sir Perry!” He slapped Pony Sue’s rump.[16] She reared and I hung on. I don’t know when I closed my eyes, but when I opened them, we had teleported again.

Now I was alone with the Pegasus and we were hovering above Manhattan.[17]

What the actual fuck?

“How rude!” Pony Sue huffed angrily before flapping her wings and setting off. “As if I need help getting somewhere. Gods, I swear.”

“Yeah…” I responded weakly.

Luckily, or unluckily that was the last word I got to say to her for the whole trip. It turned out that without the quelling presence of Mr. D., Pony Sue was a chatterbox. She loved gushing about her favorite human as we got out of the city and caught up with the camp van.

“As a child of Zeus,” Pony Sue explained to me, “Andi doesn’t need a flying horse which is what makes it such an honor to be her noble steed. Plus, she always gives me the best treats and she can control the wind to make me fly extra fast and…”

I didn’t pay the horse much attention after that. I was still unsettled by my conversation with Mr. D.

Mr. D. said he liked me. He’d understood I was looking for Blackjack, even called him “cover-worthy”, but the god thought I was crazy. It’s not every day the god of madness calls you insane, but…

Mr. D. was wrong! I wasn’t crazy. It was this whole world that was crazy. [18]

When we reached the Washington monument, I told Pony Sue to set me down on the street a few blocks away from the camp van. Then I watched as Sue and company filed out.

At the sight of Miss Sunshine, my stomach twisted, but I refused to feel guilty for calling her a bitch last night. She was a Mary Sue. And she had almost brainwashed me! If that didn’t count as being a bitch, what did?

I turned away from her and focused my attention on the black sedan between me and the van. The door of the sedan opened and someone stepped out.

I frowned. The person who exited the vehicle wasn’t a man with gray hair, dark shades, and a black overcoat. It was a hooded figure.

No joke they were wearing the type of brown robes you associate with Jedi and elves. I stared at them. That definitely wasn’t Thorne. They were too small with that robe, but I had a good idea of who they must be: the person from my dreams.

New Moon.

I followed them from a distance as they followed Sue and company. When the group went inside the National Air and Space Museum, the figure hesitated. Like Thorne, they didn’t go in.

I waited from a safe distance as I saw them turn and begin to head across the mall. Were they going to the natural history museum to meet with Atlas? Maybe if I tailed them, I’d figure out who they were.

I began to go after them again, but before I got two steps, I felt a pull at the back of my shirt.

I turned.

Pony Sue was biting my shirt collar.

“Stop that,” I hissed.

Pony Sue spit out my shirt and replied, “I’m not the one wandering off. I was patient before, but I am officially done. It’s like super cold out here and my girl is inside, so hurry up and tell her I’m waiting for her before I freeze to death.”

“In a minute,” I promised. “Just let me—”

“Oh! No!” Pony Sue said far too loudly.

The figure who was across the street turned and saw me.

Shit.

That’s when I remember that unlike Percy in Titan’s Curse, I didn’t have Annabeth’s invisibility cap, so the figure could see me clear as day. And now they were coming towards me.

Shit!

I backed away. I didn’t want any trouble. I bumped into the Pegasus.

“Hey,” Pony Sue said. “You’re still going the wrong way.”

I tried to run, but the horse grabbed my collar again.

“Let go of me!” I cried.

“Stop being such a pansy. It’s just a girl,” the horse said between gritted teeth.

The figure was feet away from me. Their face was still cloaked in an impenetrable darkness. All I could see were those nickel-grey eyes, but that was enough. This person had to be New Moon.

New Moon narrowed their eyes, before reaching into their robes and pulling out…

A blue Yankee’s hat?

I stopped struggling.

The invisibility cap!

New Moon placed the hat on my head and then gestured for me to follow them.

I hesitated. That had been my half-baked plan before, but now I wasn’t so sure I should go. And after my dreams, I really wasn’t sure whose side New Moon was on either. Were they a double agent or just a crazy type of evil?

“I can’t,” I said lamely. “Po-Princess won’t let me.”

“That’s right,” Pony Sue said. “I’m not letting him go no matter— Is that a pink lady?!” the Pegasus exclaimed, letting me go.

New Moon had pulled out a yellow and pink apple from her robes. She tossed up the apple and Pony Sue caught it.

As the horse munched on her ill-gotten treat, I started to ask, “How did—”

New Moon put a finger to my lips. Now I could see their hand and their laughing eyes. The grey eyes I knew already, but the hand, it was slender and feminine. The Pegasus was right. New Moon was a girl.

That was a surprise. It meant that she wasn’t some grey-eyed fanfic version of Luke because I was positive Andi’s Luke was a boy.

But if she wasn’t Luke, then who was she? Thalia? But I had met this fic’s Thalia and she didn’t have grey eyes.[19]

“Quiet,” New Moon whispered, “I know you have questions, but I cannot explain now, Peter Johnson.”

She knew my name? And her voice, wasn’t it familiar? Not just from my dreams, but I swear I’d heard it before.[20]

“Later we will talk. For now, you must follow me.” She removed her finger and started walking away without looking back.

Against my better judgment, I followed her to the Museum of Natural History. After all, only a double agent or a mentor character would be this fucking mysterious.

At least, none of the guards or clerks noticed me. That meant the hat was working.

Good.

We went inside the private event room and then I wished I hadn’t. Reading about a titan was one thing. Seeing one was another.

Atlas was a 10 feet tall wall of muscle covered in a suit that barely contained him. And I don’t mean that as a compliment.

At least, the snake women were nowhere to be found. No Thorne or Luke either. Instead, New Moon went up to stand beside the titan and informed him about Miss Sunshine and her group.

All was going like normal until the second guard came supplied with not a dozen dragon teeth, but hundreds in a bucket.

Fuck. That wasn’t good.

“We’ll plant them in batches,” Atlas said. “You three there, plant the first 50.”

The men each grabbed handfuls of teeth and then went about planting. While they were doing that, New Moon caught my eye. I wasn’t sure whether she could actually see me somehow, but her eyes darted between the unattended bucket of teeth and me.

I shook my head, not caring if she could see me or not.

Please. Please. Tell me she wasn’t asking me to steal the bucket.

New Moon bend her head slightly in a nod and looked at the bucket again.

God damn it. She was!

I glared at her and then the bucket.

She was right though. I could not let them plant all those teeth. Even Miss Sunshine might have a bit of trouble if a thousand or so skeletons showed up to play.

Fucking fine.

While everyone else focused on the guards planting and watering the dragon teeth with blood, I crept over to the bucket and gingerly picked the thing up. I could hear the skeletons growing in the center of the room as I carefully hid the bucket behind my back and quietly shuffled towards the door.

I was a few steps away when Atlas finally noticed something was up, “Where’s the bucket?” he bellowed. “Where are the other teeth!”

The skeleton shook their heads and looked around. The human guards looked even more confused.

Just a couple more steps.

“There it is,” New Moon said, pointing right at me.

Oh! Come on!

“An intruder!” Atlas growled. “One cloaked in invisibility. Seal the doors!”

I burst through the exit doors before the skeletons could lurch after me.

“I’ll get them!” New Moon cried, pushing the skeleton hoard aside and crashing through the exit after me.

We ran out of the museum and across the mall. I was sprinting towards Miss Sunshine and the air and space museum.

As I passed the sculpture garden fountain, New Moon rammed into me. The Yankee’s cap fell off my head and the bucket flew out of my hands. Both landed in the water.

“Dispose of the teeth, Peter Johnson,” she said, breathing heavily.

“Why are you—”

“Down the drains,” she said cutting me off. “Hurry. The skeletons are not far behind us.”

“Fine,” I said because she wasn’t wrong. I closed my eyes and imagined the teeth in the pool.

“Hurry,” she repeated.

“I’m trying,” I hissed.

I knew that for Percy in the books, hydrokinesis was something you just prayed and did, but for me, it took a lot more effort and concentration. If I wanted to speed things along, then I had to make hand gestures, kind of like Katara.[21] I opened my arms slowly until it probably looked like I was trying to hold the fountain and then I lowered my arms and wiggled my fingers at the water. I was glad my eyes were closed because I probably looked ridiculous.

After a moment though, the deed was done. “I did it,” I said.

New Moon sighed. “Good. Now, go.” Then she jumped into the water.

What the fuck. “What are—”

New Moon screamed as she splashed about in the fountain, “Curse you, Son of Poseidon! This water will not hold me for long and my skeleton army will be here soon to aid me.”

Oh! She was trying to maintain her cover. Fine. Whatever. I whispered, “Before I go, could I get the cap back? I’d also like to ask—”

“Run! Run all you like!” she shouted, seeming to ignore me. “You will not escape my skeletons! They are already here!”

I glanced back. She was right. The skeleton army had arrived and was stumbling towards us. I had run out of time.

I gave New Moon one last look.

“Mwah ha ha!” she laughed theatrically. Yet despite the nonsense coming from her mouth, her eyes were sincere. They were telling me to go.

I muttered, “See you later, I guess.” I’d have to interrogate her another time. For now, it really was time to go before I became skeleton food.

I left New Moon to badly act out her evil monologue and I ran as fast as I could towards the National Air and Space Museum, hoping I hadn’t just made a big mistake.

Footnotes

[1] I’ve been dreading this part. You see, New Moon has a thing for epithets. So, here we go. Shepard is who you think he is. The epithet comes from the Polyidus which is a story where Perseus turns Atlas to stone. Paedotrophus means nurse of children.

[2] Phosphorus means light-bringer.

[3] Soteira means savior.

[4] Philomeirax means friend of young girls.

[5] Dictynnaea means of the hunting nets.

[6] Hemerasia means she who soothes.

[7] Elaphaea means of Cnageus, a hero of Sparta, or of the deer.

[8] Basileis means princess or royal.

[9] Coccoca means white toad or white bird. Probably.

[10] Ariste means best or excellent.

[11] Heleia means of the marshes.

[12] Hurray! This is the last one. Apanchomena means strangled lady.

[13] Despite being at camp for months, apparently no one has really explained what happened in the previous books to Peter. All he knows is that Annabeth disappeared first. He doesn’t know why.

[14] This is a reference to Don Quixote’s horse.

[15] Remember when MLP was in its “hay” day and Bronies? /) *bro hoof* Those were different times.

[16] I just wanted to say I really like Mr. D. in this. In the previous fics, he and Andi are always at odds, so it’s interesting to see this seemingly new side of his character.

[17] Considering his diamond sword and the fact he’s riding a white Pegasus with a gold saddle. He is giving off some serious She-Ra vibes.

[18] More on this later.

[19] Thalia’s eyes are electric blue.

[20] Any new guesses, people?

[21] Katara is the main water-bender in Avatar: The Last Airbender, a show everyone should watch. And no, the movie does not count.

Chapter Text

Chapter 18: Grover Creeps Into The Girl’s Bathroom

(Andi)

I stared sadly at my reflection in the full-length bathroom mirror inside the SMITHSONIAN AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM. There were actually a bunch of mirrors in this bathroom. There was one above every sink, plus the bathroom stall doors which were made of metal, but this full-length mirror was the best one. Only it captured what a beautiful disaster I was.

My eyes were not sky blue like usual. Instead, they were winter blue to match the weather outside. My skin was flushed from the cold DC air. The pink blush on my body highlighted all my freckles and clashed with my orange camp shirt. My usually sun-kissed hair looked duller and was mussed from the long boring car ride.

“Andi!” an annoying voice that should be minding its own business instead of lollygagging outside of the girls’ bathroom called.

I ignored it.

The car ride had been so long and so boring.

Zoë and Bianca had played nature sounds instead of pop music. Grover had kept trying to talk to me about my feelings and his feelings and how feelings sometimes were other feelings but how we shouldn’t let those feelings cover other feelings because feeling feelings was how you felt things or something. I don’t know. I had mostly stared out the window at my reflection and slowly moved the window up and down until Bianca shouted at me to stop because it was too windy and cold.

“Andi, there’s—”

I had stopped the wind to get Bianca to stop howling, but that had not stopped my thoughts.

What was I doing on this daft quest anyway?

Bianca was one of my un-favorite demi-gods. Grover was only better by a measly third. Nico was gone. Zoë was a girl, friends with Bianca, and she talked funny, so I doubted we were going to get along. And Peter…

“Andi, please—”

I didn’t want to think about Peter! He was a total weirdo dumb-dumb turkey jerk and I had wasted too much time thinking about him when I could be thinking of non-foul things.[1]^, [2] Like Luke.

“Seriously Andi—”

Gods, if only Luke was here and it was like before. I could almost see him standing next to me in the mirror. I wanted to turn to him, have us hold hands, have him tell me that everything was going to be cherries and chocolate, have us gaze into each other’s eyes, have him realize once and for all that Annabeth was a prissy chatterbox mantrap, and then just as the sun peaked through the high window, turning all the reflective surfaces in the bathroom into a rainbow of gold and silver, I’d get on my tip-toes and…

“Andi!” The door was flung open.

I groaned, turning around to face Grover.[3] Just because he claimed I was feeling things like loneliness did not mean he should barge into the girl’s bathroom. “Grover,” I said very impatiently. “This is the girl’s bathroom!”

“But Andi, there’s a monster outside!” he said, frantically.

Oh.

“Why didn’t you say so?” I asked, confusedly.

“I did but—”

“Come on,” I said quickly, as I ran out the exit and past him. Grover should know better. This was no time for idle chit-chat.

I ran back to the lobby of the SMITHSONIAN AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM with Grover right behind me. The whole place was in chaos. People were running out the front doors, and yelling hornets and bees![4] Meanwhile, Zoë and Bianca were standing on one of the hanging planes in the lobby, using their bows and arrows to attack the real cause of all the fuss:

A giant golden lion, the size of a hummer, with silver claws and gold bedazzling fur.

The lion was on two legs batting away the hunters’ arrows like they were nothing and reaching for the hunters, like a cat playing with one of those cat toys that is supposed to look like a bird but is really just a bunch of brightly colored feathers and maybe a tiny silver bell.

“See!” Grover said unhelpfully.

“I got it,” I told him, affirmingly before moving towards the center of the lobby.

“Andi! Be careful!” he cried, nervously.

“HERE, KITTY KITTY!” I shouted when I reached the center of the lobby.

The lion turned and snarled at me.

“Come on, pussy-cat. Don’t be a scaredy-cat too,” I taunted, mockingly.

“ANN-DYE, what are you doing!” Bianca shouted.

The lion turned its head back to the hunters.

“It’s Andi, Bianca!” I corrected loudly. Would she ever get it right?

The lion turned back to me.

“ANDI!” I repeated. “We’ve been over this like a bazillion times. The ‘I’ is at the end of my name so that means it makes an ‘ee’ sound not a ‘ai’ sound,” I shouted, remindingly.

“I don’t care ANN-DYE!” she said, unfeelingly.

The lion turned back to her.

“You can’t be afraid to try!” I argued loudly.

The lion turned back to me.

“Nico thinks you’re smart,” I continued, convincingly. “You don’t want to crush his dreams by being a dumb-dumb, do you?”

“At least, I don’t use insults like dumb-dumb!” she shot back, injured.

The lion turned to her.

I felt bad. I was in a thistle mood, but that was no excuse for rudeness.[5] As much as I hadn’t wanted her to come, Bianca was my quest-mate now. I was about to apologize, when Bianca continued, hurtedly, “What are you? 5?”

“I’m fifteen,” I said, loudly.

The lion turned to me.

Poor forgetful needy Bianca couldn’t even do basic math. She couldn’t help being a dumb-dumb any more than Grover could help being creepy. Or I could stop being spectacularly awe-inspiringly peachy. It was just our nature. I should have pity for her and be the bigger person. Maybe some of my niceness would rub off. Grover had become a lot less stalkerish because of me so it was possible.[6]

“After you learn my name, we can work on your arithmetic!” I offered loudly and nicely. “And manners!” It would be hard work with Bianca’s obvious learning disability, but every boy and girl should be able to count to 20 and know when it was best to be seen and not heard.

“You’re always such a—! Ow!” Bianca cried. The lion turned to her and Bianca turned to the other hunter. “Zoë! You pinched me!”

“Shut thy mouth Bianca,” Zoë said, commandingly in her normal weird voice.

“Yeah!” I agreed, loudly. Now was one of those times to hush.

The lion turned to me.

I put my fingers together in the universal symbol for quiet:

The quiet coyote.[7]

As expected, there was silence. Zoë had covered Bianca’s mouth with one of her hands. Bianca looked upset, but Zoë held firm. The hunter nodded to me. She understood the importance of the quiet coyote.

Goody! Now, onto business.

“COME ON!” I shouted, tauntingly again at the lion.

The lion had been curious to see if Bianca was done being a smarts-challenged person, but now the lion turned back to me again.

“That’s right, Kitty-Cat,” I said loudly, backing slowly towards the main entrance of the SMITHSONIAN AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM lobby.

The lion got down on all fours and started to stalk toward me.

“It’s you and me,” I told the lion, loudly.

The lion growled like an old truck.

When I reached the doors of the lobby entrance, I opened my arms wide and called, rivally, “Bring! It! On!”

As I hoped, the lion let out a great roar and pounced.

I jumped into the air, summoned my mini bolt, and threw it at the lion while it was still in mid-air and mid-roar.

The second my bolt touched the lion’s fur, the beastie shone like a collapsing star, fastly shrinking in size and growing in luminosity as it shot past me through the doors and out into the street.

Yay!

I won!

I called back my mini bolt and sucked it back into my locket. When I turned back to Grover and the hunters, I was smiling with all my teeth. “Everyone, alright?” I asked happily.

Grover ran over to me. “Andi, you were amazing!” he said accurately.

But I focused on Zoë. She said sagely, “Because of your superior battle skills, we are well, Andromeda.”

Despite her silly accent, being a girl, and having Bianca as a friend, maybe Zoë wasn’t part of the problem, but actually part of the solution. She had been pretty couthy just now. If she kept it up, she might even teach Bianca a bit about being less of a sillybill so that she could be worthy of a man’s love. Nico deserved a worthy sister who wasn’t such a space cadet, doing things like getting my name wrong, not knowing math, and being forced to squint at me because she hadn’t thought to blink when I hit the lion with my mini bolt.[8] So that was a sparkle in the sky.[9]

Yup, yuppie! It was heart balm all around.[10] I had just won another scrumptious fight. Everyone was safe and I was feeling peachy keen again. I stayed pink even when Grover got out his reed pipes to play a victory tune.[11] The shrill notes brought back ambrosian memories of my first quest.

I was smiling happily as Zoë spoke over the noise. “If you would be quiet satyr, we might—”

“Zoë!” Bianca hissed, loudly.[12]

“Bianca,” Zoë began, warningly, because taming Bianca was really demanding, like a full-time job.

Maybe that’s why Bianca had been invited?

Oh!

Maybe Bianca was like Zoë’s Grover!

If that was the case, Zoë definitely needed my help too! I knew all about taming people so I was sure that together we’d manage Bianca’s Cinderella-fication.

“You need—” Zoë continued to begin warningly.

“Look!” Bianca said rudely in a loud whisper as she pointed at a spot above my head.

“What?” I asked questioningly as we looked up and over at the spot.

The ceiling of the SMITHSONIAN AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM was covered in model airplanes and space crafts that hung in the air with strings. Zoë and Bianca were standing on one right now.

But it looked like some of the planes were not really planes because several planes were getting blurry and starting to change color. Then the demistifying planes began cawing like a murder of crows.

I got out my mini bolt again and even readied my heart shield.

It looked like the fight wasn’t over.[13]

Footnotes

[1] Did you know turkey is a word for an idiot? Having met many a turkey in my life, I can confirm that they are indeed idiotic, but still smarter than deer and squirrels.

[2] I wasn’t sure whether to keep the spelling of foul as in bad thing or change it to fowl as in bird…I kept the original to be safe.

[3] I find this extra funny because Luke isn’t even here and Grover is still cockblocking.

[4] Despite the way it sounds, I don’t think this is an Andi-ism. I think this is really what people believe is happening.

[5] A thistle is a spiky plant, so she could mean she is feeling prickly. Thistle is also an under-saturated shade of purple, so it could be related to that. Like a black mood, except it is a light purple mood. I am honestly not sure which it is.

[6] In the Lightning Thief fic, Grover had been stalking Andi before she and him officially met and he also had a habit of showing up “unexpectantly” to cock-block Luke and Andi.

[7] Unless you’re in Austria or France where it’s an illegal gang sign. No, I am not joking. Look it up.

[8] I think we can all agree that this is not the reason Bianca is squinting.

[9] A star in the night sky…I guess.

[10] I swear the further we get in this fic, the harder it is to translate Andi to English. I will not give up! So, for this one, I assume she means good news, but the definition for heart balm is compensation for breach of promise to marry, so I’m not exactly sure.

[11] The Lightning Thief fic described the tune as something that sounded like it belonged to an old video game. As such, I imagine that Grover is playing the Final Fantasy victory fanfare song.

[12] I guess Zoë stopped covering Bianca’s mouth.

[13] Despite what the inspirational quotes tell you.

Chapter Text

Chapter 19: I Find Some Plot Armor

(Peter)

I was running toward the Air and Space Museum when something bright shot out of the front doors. I dodged, but somehow it still managed to smack me in the face and make me fall on my ass.[1]

“Fuck!” Why was this world so fucking stupid!

Someone burst into laughter as I scrambled to get up. “Ha!” they cried. “That was super funny!”

I turned and saw Pony Sue coming towards me, still braying with laughter.

“This is why four legs are better than two. You’re so clumsy,” Pony Sue told me.

“It wasn’t my fault,” I said, “That thing hit me.” I gestured angrily at the ground at a fuzzy pile of…

“Yeah, sure,” the horse began, “Blame the inanimate object for getting ser—”

I wasn’t listening. I was too busy staring at the pile of fur that had come from the museum. It had to be…

I knelt down and picked it up. The fur gave off a golden sheen for a moment before it transformed into a golden-brown full-length duster coat.

Fuck yes!

I rushed to put on the coat. It fit perfectly and suddenly I felt warm and badass and…

“Peter Johnson, you did not just put on that piece of trash,” Pony Sue snapped, finally piercing through my thoughts.

“It’s not trash!” I said, indignantly. “It’s a coat.” I pulled on the coat’s lapels for emphasis. “See!”

“It’s dead lion’s skin i.e., trash,” she claimed.

I opened my mouth to protest. This wasn’t just any dead lion skin. It was the Nemean Lion pelt. It could stop bullets, for fuck’s sake.

But before I could say any of that, Pony Sue added, “Even if it wasn’t trash. It should be due to pure gaudiness.”

“Says the horse wearing a golden saddle,” I shot back before she could launch into another monologue.

“Excuse me!” Pony Sue said affronted.[2] “My saddle is chic as Hades, solid gold, and totally vegan. Not a single animal was harmed in the making of it, unlike your manmade disaster.”

I rolled my eyes. We were really doing this? My coat was literal plot armor. Who the fuck cared if it was vegan? “Whatever,” I said. I was not getting into this with her. “I have more important things to do than argue about whether or not you like my coat. There are skeletons coming here and I have to warn the others about it. Plus, I need to help them fi…”

Fuck.

I was wearing the Nemean Lion pelt which meant they had already dispatched the lion without my help. Percy had earned his place on this quest by defeating the lion. What was I supposed to do now?

“Uh…hello~? You wanna finish that sentence and share those thoughts with the rest of us? Or are you just gonna keep muttering to yourself like a crazy hobo?” Pony Sue sassed.

I glanced over at where the van had been parked. It was still there and unoccupied. Thank God.

“I have to go,” I said, trying to get by the horse. I needed to get to the museum before Sunshine and the others left, but Pony Sue held up a wing to stop me.

“Hey!” I protested, pushing away her wing.

“You don’t want to go in there,” Pony Sue warned me. “There’s a bunch of evil bird ladies—”

Evil. Bird. Ladies? What?

“—in there. I was waiting for Andi to come out. Actually. You should wait with me. You’re a horrible listener and your fashion sense is abysmal, but at least your equine is fluent.”

“I’m sorry. Did you say, evil bird ladies?” I repeated.

“Like I said, a horrible listener. Yes, I literally just said that. Plus, maybe use your eyes?” She jerked her head to point at the museum. “And humans say they have the better vision.”[3]

I ignored the insult and looked past her. I had been too busy with Pony Sue and my new coat to really notice what was going on at the museum. However, now that I was looking at the lobby through the large full-length windows of the museum, I saw that Pony Sue hadn’t been joking.

The scene inside looked like Birds, the movie. A whole flock of winged creatures was swarming around on the ceiling with small groups of them swooping down to attack at random intervals. The creatures weren’t just birds either. As Pony Sue said, they were ‘evil bird ladies.’ Each one had the size and golden beak, wings, talons, and torso of a large bird of prey, but their heads and legs were human. It was fucking wrong. Something about the beaks coming out of their human heads and the pale legs sticking out of their bird torsos turned my stomach.

What even were they?

If I had to guess, I’d call the evil bird ladies, harpies, but that wasn’t it. They weren’t furies either. They had no arms and then there were those beaks…

I tried to think of some human bird hybrid creature with golden feathers, talons, and beaks. I mentally flipped through the PJO books, but nothing stuck. Only after my mind had shifted away from PJO lore to straight-up Greek mythology, did I figure it out. My research into the mythological basis for all the PJO books’ quests paid off. I realized the creatures weren’t gold. They were bronze which meant…

But that shouldn’t be right.

I turned to Pony Sue. “Are those Stymphalian birds?” I asked in disbelief.

“So, you do know a thing or two,” Pony Sue said, in a condescending voice. “That sounds about right. Though I’ve never been the best at remembering petty details like Grecian species names.”

Ironic, considering what her name was.

“Cause like who cares about that,” she insisted, “What matters is that those things have a nasty temper. They like to peck and claw at anything in their way when they are in a mood and this is, like, the moodiest I’ve ever seen them.”

“But…” It did matter. They weren’t supposed to look like that. I distinctly remember that Stymphalian birds were, you know, birds, even in Greek mythology.[4] In PJO, they were pigeons.[5]

Not creepy nightmare fuel.

“So, you’re staying out here, right? Maybe we can have a serious discussion about what is and isn’t appropriate human wear,” Pony Sue said.

“No,” I said both to her and myself. “I’m going inside.” The damn birds might look different, but I did know how to defeat them. I just needed a loud sound to drive them away. That was how Heracles and Annabeth had done it. I didn’t have a boombox or pair of magical maracas, but thanks to my new friendship or rather old friendship with Percy, I already knew exactly what sound to use.

The fire alarm.

That’s how little Percy managed to get kicked out of kindergarten the second time. He’d pulled it 6 times. The alarm would be plenty loud and I could just make out where it was. The red box was on the far side of the large lobby near a set of bathrooms.

“Are you sure?” Pony Sue pressed. “Cause you don’t seem sure and—”

“Yes,” I said, cutting the horse off. I wished I still had the invisibility cap, but “I’m sure.” I readjusted my coat armor, got out my sword, and headed towards the stairs of the museum entrance.

I was going to earn my spot on this stupid quest and go home.

Pony Sue refused to take a hint and followed me. “But are you like doubly, no, triply sure?” Pony Sue asked again right before we reached the stairs.

“Yes, I’m fucking sure. I’ve been through shit alright?” I said, shooting her a look before beginning my climb.

“I think most animals have?” Pony Sue said, confused. “That’s not really impressive.”

God fucking damn it! I stopped and turned around to glare down at the dumbass animal.[6] I swear this was worse than dealing with Miss Sunshine![7]

“I didn’t mean actual shit,” I growled. “I meant metaphorical shit. I’ve done stuff, gone on adventures,” with Percy and just now with New Moon, “so yes, I think I can handle some fucking birds!”

“Oh~ I get it,” Pony Sue said in that annoying, I understand type voice. “That makes a lot more sense.”

“No shit,” I grumbled.

“What was that?” Pony Sue said sharply.

“Never mind.” Experience with Miss Sunshine had taught me, it was sometimes best just to end the conversation. I jogged up the last few steps and said, “Just watch out for skeletons while I’m gone, Pony Sue.”

Pony Sue huffed out an angry breath. “Excuse me! My name is not Po-nay-su, Peter Johnson,” she cried. “How would you like it if I called you—”

Luckily, I didn’t hear the rest of Pony Sue’s lecture because when I opened the doors, the screeching from the hellish bird hybrids and the sound of Zoë shouting drowned out all other noise. For a moment, I just stood there watching the chaos, and then things turned to shit.

It started with the sun. It had been hidden behind overcast skies all morning, but suddenly it burst through the clouds so that sunlight bounced off the bronze birds like they were a bunch of fucking disco balls.

“Fuck!” I hissed. I raised up my right arm to shield my eyes without thinking and my sword came up with it, my shiny sue-tastic sparkle sparkle sword.

Damn it.

I was still half-blind, so I couldn’t see the difference but I could hear it. The sudden silence.

“Peter?” It was Miss Sunshine’s voice. It held a mixture of confusion and fear.

Then Pony Sue who had already flown in the air and away from the line of fire gave me the more concrete command of, “Don’t just stand there, PJ. Run boy, run!”

Footnotes

[1] Again, I sometimes wonder if this story is a revenge fic against someone.

[2] You’re excused, Princess.

[3] Horses have 20/60 to 20/30 vision.

[4] So…Peter is right. Kind of. Stymphalian Birds are usually depicted as birds (they look like geese most of the time). However, if you do some more digging, they are occasionally shown to be female bird hybrids with human faces, fleshy tails, and sometimes super beefy arms. So, this fic’s representation is unorthodox, but not completely without precedent.

[5] The Stymphalian birds, in the guise of pigeons, showed up during the PJO Sea of Monsters chariot race, but that race never happened in the Sea of Monsters fic.

[6] In my headcanon, most people hear Peter through a profanity filter (Andi being the most obvious exception and the gods as a possible second). So, Pony Sue may not be acting as stupidly as Peter believes.

[7] I believe Pony Sue was made for Andi specifically. She was a gift from a god after all. So, it makes sense to me that Pony and Andi have similar personalities, though Princess is, on the whole, more temperamental.

Chapter Text

Chapter 20: I Do Nobly Declare That Everyone Makes Mistakes

(Andi)

I take it back. Zoë was uncouthy, undandy, and completely unmesocarpic![1] It was her fault that I had spent the last 5 minutes, 59 seconds, and 2 jiffies hiding in a fake little house on display instead of using my mini master bolt to fix things.

6 minutes, 25 seconds, and 11 jiffies ago, the mistified planes finished their transformation into brassy ladybirds that were in serious need of a mirror. Their messy hair, mad bulging eyes, bushy eyebrows, and cawing bird-beaked faces were not attractive. Also, they were naked. Breasts should be covered by more than feathers and if they weren’t going to shave their twig legs, they should have considered jeans. Their toenails were a mess too. They were all long and curled and looked like they had never been clipped.

If they hadn’t been furious she-monsters, I would have taught them a thing or two about the importance of self-care. Even though I did not need it, I was adroit at make-up and my fashion sense was snazzy and chic, wholesome, yet sophisticated.[2] The Aphrodite boys and countless other people who could recognize true beauty were always asking for my advice. So, I could have totally transformed these ladybirds into proper ladies with a song and dance number.[3] However, since they were both monsters, furious, and female and I had just offered my services to Bianca a bit ago, I had summoned my shield and my mini master bolt and was ready to kill the ladybirds instead.

Bianca had been ready too. Even Grover had readied a tin can.

But before anyone of us could attack, Zoë ordered, loudly, over the cawing, “Do not shoot!”

Both me and Bianca looked at her. “Why not?” we asked, questioningly.

“These are the Stymphalian Birds. They are servants of Lady Artemis,” Zoë informed us sagely before she spoke to the ladybirds.[4] “Fellow followers of the Great Hunter. It is I, Zoë Nightshade, the lieutenant of the Hunters and thy friend. I come in peace. Lay down thy talons and beaks. Let us work together to find our goddess.”

For maybe 4 seconds and a jiffy, I thought the ladybirds would obey Zoë, but then they all let out a loud ca-caw and went on the attack.

Everyone was forced to dive for cover, but even then, Zoë had told us not to retaliate and kept talking to the ladybirds, saying things like:

“Gleaming maidens, stop attacking. You know me.”

“We grew up together! We hunted together!”

“Theresa, Helena, Xanthia, I went to thy hatch-day party last spring.[5] You are mere fledglings and far too young to be on a murderous rampage. What would Phoenix think of thee if she was here?”

“Roxane, I helped thee best that uppity harpy back in the 16th century. I still have her talons to prove it.”

“Sofia, Zephyra, Ismena, remember when we rode the south wind together to make Zephryr rue his ill-mannered jests.”

And,

“Joë, you must remember me. Our names rhyme!”

While I said stuff like:

“Let me at them Zoë!”

“I won’t obliterate them, right now.”

“I know how to make them play nice!”

“A little lightning never hurt anybody!”

And,

“Zephyr deserves better!”

It went on and on and on like that, but none of her stories did anything to make the ladybirds stop and my ingenious arguments went ignored as the ladybirds cawed and dove down at us with their talons and beaks trying to claw us to death.

Bianca and Grover were cowering in their own hiding places and I was getting incandescent on their behalf.[6] I thought it might be an interesting character-building experience not to be the quest leader for once, but this was a pile of nutty bananas.[7] Zoë was a pile of nutty bananas and she didn’t even know it.

I was about to try to convince Zoë to let me end this fight for the 11th time when I saw the front doors open.[8] It was a magical 7 seconds and 11 jiffies. The sun came out from behind the clouds and a figure was bathed in heavenly light.

Everyone turned to look at the visitor. My heart fluttered like a butterfly in the wind.

“Luke?” I breathed stepping forward and out of the safety of my hiding place.

The figure saluted by bringing up their sword arm and I realized it wasn’t Luke. Only one person had a sword as majestic and shiny as that.

“Peter?” I asked dazedly, confused and worried.

For exactly one decasecond, no one moved.[9] We all just stared at Peter’s gleaming starlight sword like it held the secret to where Luke was hiding. Then the ladybirds let out another livid ca-caw and as one flew at Peter.

Someone shouted, “PJ, run. Boy, run!”[10]

Peter tried to run over to the sanctuary of my arms, but he only got a few steps before he was slowed down by the flock of ladybirds smothering him like chocolate on a Snickers.

“Peter!” I cried out.

His only response was an alarming string of fiery words too naughty and cuckoo to understand or repeat.[11]

It was so befuddling. I had no idea what Peter was even doing here, but he was here and he was in trouble.

I was done playing around. It was time to take off the kiddie mittens and take on the ladybirds. I brought out my mini master bolt again and readied it.

These turkeys were going to learn what it meant to face Big Daddy’s daughter.

“Andromeda,” Zoë warned, commandingly, over Peter’s swearing and the ladybirds screeching ca-caws. “Stand down, he is just a man. Do not—”

I did what she had been doing to me this whole fight:

I ignored her.

Then I did what I should have done several minutes, some seconds, and countless jiffies ago. I threw the mini bolt at that cotton candy cloud of ladybirds.

Zoë yelled and shot an arrow to try and alter the bolt’s path. Bianca shouted my name incorrectly. Grover wailed pathetically. All as the mini bolt soared through the air.

It hit its target. Just like with the lion, the bolt touched one of the metal creatures and lit it up. Since all of the ladybirds were so close together, the electricity spread to them all. They became bright as the sun outside and ca-cawed an ear-splitting shriek of pain. Bianca, Grover, Zoë, and even Peter got in on the screaming action. Everyone was making noise for the next 5 seconds and 41 jiffies.[12]

And then it was quiet. Unlike with the lion, the ladybirds hadn’t turned into collapsing stars. They had all just dropped to the ground like I had petrified them into statues.

Zoë, Grover, and Bianca were staring at the pile of unmoving ladybirds and Peter was hunched in a crouching position with his duster pulled up over his head like people do when it’s raining and they are wearing a hoodless jacket for some reason and forgot their umbrella. I could totally see Peter doing that. Though maybe he was the type to let the rain fall? He was a son of the water god.

“Andromeda!” Zoë shouted, tryingly self-righteous. She had run over to one of the ladybirds.

I knew that tone. It was used by Mr. D. and almost every other girl I’ve ever talked to. I looked at her and crossed my arms to strike a power pose.[13]

“What did thee do?” Zoë demanded, nuttily.[14]

“I won the fight,” I said, matter-of-factly.

“You killed my comrades,” she wailed, wrongly.

“They’re not dead,” I told her, rightly.

Zoë turned to Bianca who was walking towards her. “Is that true?” Zoë demanded, unnecessarily. “Are they alive?”

Bianca made a funny face. Her mouth moved, but she didn’t say anything.

“Bianca!” Zoë snapped, melodramatically.

“They’re not dead,” I said again, correctly. “I stunned them.”

“You stunned them?” Zoë repeated, sagely.

“Yeah?” I said, obviously.

She looked between me and the ladybirds. “I did not know thee could wield thy weapon with such subtlety,” she said filled with an appropriate amount of awe.

“I tried to tell you earlier, like 9 times, but you wouldn’t listen,” I complained, justly.

Zoë frowned. “I am sorry,” she said contritely, “These winged maidens are like sisters to me, so I acted without thought. I was wrong to doubt thee. You have my deepest and most sincere apologies.” Zoë gave me a flourishing bow and added, “I beg thee for thy forgiveness, Lady Andi.”

Lady Andi? L-a-d-y Andi. LadyAndi.

LADY ANDI!!!

Goody gumdrops on a gingerbread house, that was the peachiest name ever!!!

Zoë must be a bit couthy after all. How else would she come up with such a regal and fitting name for moi? I was touched. No, I was hugged and embraced as tightly as a teddy bear who was the only comfort to me after I had experienced the type of traumatic experience that I never want to speak of again.[15] Thusly, I was quite right before. This quest was going to be a most enriching experience for Zoë and Bianca. I was going to nurture Zoë’s spark of couth into a lightning bolt of fruity goodness. Bianca too! Someday, Bianca was going to call me, Lady Andi! That’d be worth be a Luke of Biancas for sure!

I smiled nobly at Zoë and declared with a graciousness befitting my new title, “It is of no consequence, my dear Zoë, I assure you.[16] I am quite ready to forgive you your faults on this occasion. For I know that everyone makes mistakes. It is how we learn from them that matters in the end.”

“Thank you, Lady Andi,” Lady Andi! “You are very wise,” she said, wisely.[17]

Zoë turned to Bianca. “Stop standing there, Bianca and get out a tarp from thy pack. We need to transport our sisters outside.”

Bianca who still looked like a confused babe, reached into her bag.

I smiled even noblier. Everything had worked out for the best. I had defeated that golden lion and the ladybirds. Zoë was beginning to understand how amazingly special I was. I had the best nickname in existence. Bianca and Grover were being as quiet as well-behaved children. And I had saved Peter after his unexpected arrival.

I wondered if he had heard Zoë call me Lady Andi.

I looked over at him. Peter was still huddled in that crouched position even as Bianca and Zoë moved around him to pick up the fallen ladybirds.

I went over to him. “Good morrow, Peterson. I’m pleased as bread pudding that you decided to grace us with your presence. As you can clearly behold, I nobly and regally protected you as I vowed I would. Or…mayhap you cannot?[18] You must rise up with the rest of us, dear Peterson. I own that the ladybirds have been vanquished, by yours truly. Open your eyes and ascertain for yourself the truth of my most noble words!”

Peter was not moved by my starry encouragement. He crouched unrisen and unseeing.

I guess my gentry accents were too much for a simple boy like him. I decided to speak normal-like for now.[19] I was the type of noble friend who could temporally lower themselves if need be.

“It’s okay, Peter,” I said speaking at his level of sophistication as I stood right in front of him. “Just because I’m a lady now doesn’t mean I don’t get what you’re going through. I do get it. I really do. You were super mean back at camp saying you didn’t want to come on the quest or be friends and now you are regretting your actions because those words were all lies that you were saying because you were scared and fretting about something. Like a boy, you thought if you came in and saved the day everything would be alright, but because I had to save you and I’m a grand lady of consequence now, you’re frozen to death with fear of having to admit you were wrong and apologize to me, a lady, but it’s okay. It’s like I was telling Zoë. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s how we learn from them that matters. I was mad and sad you said those things at camp, but I’m a proper lady and I can move past that.”

I put a cautious hand on Peter’s shoulder.

He didn’t reject my hand or start swearing which I took to be a good sign.

“We both can move past it. I promise. So, if you apologize, I’ll nobly forgive you lickety-split. Then we can go on this quest and do all that character growth and friendship stuff I promised. Soon you’ll be learning to be your best self, just like Bianca, Grover, and Zoë. I’ll help you overcome your dark nature and rough edges to become a diamond of the first water.[20] You’ll see. So, what do you say to this second chance, Peter? Are you ready to admit your silly mistake and begin this journey the right way, as friends?”

I waited for Peter to say something, but the shy plebeian boy must be overwhelmed with gratitude for my generous offer because he still didn’t respond. I waited with the grace and poise of a duchess for him to find his voice.

“Uh, Andi?” an annoying voice that really needed to learn to be his best self said from behind me.

“Grover,” I said, annoyedly without turning around. “Peter and I are trying to have a tête-à-tête.”

“But it’s about Peter,” Grover added annoyingly.

“What!” I moaned, really annoyedly before turning to face Grover’s annoying face.

Grover flinched before saying stupidly, “I think he’s been stunned.”

“What!” I cried in disbelief. “No! He’s not—Peter,” I turned back to Peter, “tell Grover that you’re not stunned.”[21]

Peter was as quiet as a church mouse.

“Peter,” I whispered, rebukingly, “I know my new title and that inspiring friendship speech I just gave might have left you tongue-tied with a new respect for my person, but it’s time for you to overcome your new shyness and talk. Come on.” I shook him.

Peter lost his balance and fell over.

He hit the ground with a dull smack!

Grover gasped.

Hmm…

I stared at Peter’s fallen form, still in that ‘it’s rainy and I don’t want to get my head wet’ position. “Well…” I said, frowningly, “perchance he’s fainted dead away from fear of apologizing or the ladybirds, you know?”[22] I turned back to Grover. “You should fetch some smelling salts, Grover.”

“Andi, I really think—” Grover began unhelpfully, but he was interrupted by the bestest and most royal Pegasus ever, Princess! bursting through the doors.

“Andi!” she shouted. [23]

“Princess!” I cried in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

“No time to explain. We need to go. Now!” she said, urgently.

“But Peter,” I said with noble concern as I glanced down at the poor boy who still hadn’t moved.

“Bring PJ too,” Princess said, hurriedly. “No one should be left to deal with that undead army outside.”

“The what?” I asked confusedly.

Princess pointed to outside with one of her majestic wings.

Grover whimpered.

Uh-oh.

While I had been trying to get Peter to stop being a coward, a platoon of fashionably dressed skeletons with polished melee weapons had gathered outside.[24] Zoë and Bianca were out there, ladybird statues abandoned. The two Hunters were trying to stop the platoon’s steady advance with their arrows, but it was not working at all.

A squad of skeletons had already turned our car into a sad limp salad with their swords, axes, and hammers and the rest of the platoon were marching towards the museum at a slow and steady pace. [25]

I frowned harder. I had learned from Nico that my mini master bolt wasn’t meant for killing undead things. I could vaporize the creatures, but that wouldn’t stop them from reforming.

“You’re right,” I decided, regally. “Grover, get on Princess. Princess, let Grover ride you and collect Zoë and Bianca too. After that, we fly.”

Grover rushed to obey.

Princess reluctantly knelt down so that Grover could get on, but she wasn’t satisfied with my expert plan. She entreated, questioningly, “Aren’t you going to ride me?”

“I’d love to,” I told her, seriously, “Alas you will already be carrying three people, so I do think that I should carry Peter.”

“I could trade with Peter and you could carry me,” Grover stupidly offered.

“Shush it, Grover,” I shushed, quellingly. I picked up Peter.

He was so stiff, but I was able to lift him into my arms like a noble knight carrying a princess.

Now that Peter’s face was facing me, I saw the grimace he was wearing. That did not look peachy-keen at all.

“I’m ready,” Princess said, readily.

I looked up. Whatever was wrong with Peter would have to wait. We had to get out of here first. We went outside to Zoë and Bianca.

“I got us a ride,” I told the hunters, helpfully.

“Excellent work, Lady Andi,” Lady Andi! Hee-hee! “Come, Bianca,” Zoë said, sagely.

Bianca squinted at me but did not say anything like a proper milked and watered miss as she and Zoë climbed onto Princess’s back.[26]

Princess and I took to the sky just as the skeletons closed ranks around us. I used my powers to help Princess and me support the extra weight of more people and then I asked Zoë, politely “Where to?”

Zoë shrugged. “West would be my humble suggestion, but I wish to know thy impeccable judgment, Lady Andi,” she said, wisely.

I smiled at her again. Unlike Grover, Zoë was on her way to being her best self. She could be so sagely and wise.

Just as I, Lady Andi, was on the verge of offering my noble opinion, Grover piped up, unhelpfully, “We can go anywhere, but east. That’s the ocean.”

“I say we head north to camp,” Princess offered, constructively.

Grand ladies like myself don’t get irritated when they are interrupted, so I said calmingly and compromisingly, “We shall head northwest then.”

“Cool,” said the rude person, impolitely.

“Alright,” Princess said, complyingly.

“An inspired choice, Lady Andi,” Zoë added, balancely.[27]

I nodded at Zoë with noble humility and said poshly, “I thank you.”

“There is no need,” Zoë said, accurately. “The honor is mine, Lady Andi.”

Lady Andi! Gods, every time! That was never going to get old![28]

“Of course,” I agreed happily before adding grandly, “let us away!”

And so, we headed northwest.[29]

Footnotes

[1] Uh…so I definitely had to look this one up. Mesocarpic as in mesocarp refers to the fruit flesh of stone fruits. Peaches are part of the stone fruit category. So, I guess what Andi is trying to say is that Zoë is not peachy i.e., not good.

[2] Ah yes, her orange camp shirt and cut-off jeans shorts are peak fashion, I’m sure.

[3] So, in the Sea of Monsters fic, Andi actually did this on Circe’s Island to the tune of “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” aptly renamed to “I’ll Make Pretty Girls Out of You”. The chorus is as follows:

Be A Girl

You must be kind as a shining rainbow

Be Pretty

With all the poise of a prancing pony

Be A Girl

With all the love of a healing hug

As Beautiful as the light from the sun!

If requested, I’ll provide the full lyrics in the next Andi chapter, but you get the idea. This sequence is actually the only time thus far Andi’s ever gotten along with other females, but it didn’t last. More on this later.

[4] News from the editing room: My delta reader has apparently developed an aversion to the word “sagely”. Now, every time he sees it in this fic, it feeds his anger and brings him pain for some reason. However never fear, I am still committed to providing you with an authentic experience. He knew what he was signing up for. Sacrifices must be made in every writing project.

[5] I imagine that this is referring to the day they hatched.

[6] Incandescent can mean angry. Yeah really.

[7] Andi was the leader for both the Lightning Thief and Sea of Monsters quests.

[8] Another bad day for Andi’s convincing skills I suppose. More on this later.

[9] A decasecond is 10 seconds.

[10] I guess she didn’t hear the first part.

[11] Judging by the language used here, I think Peter’s cries aren’t as incomprehensible as Andi would have us believe.

[12] The jiffies are a bit out of control in this chapter, including this footnote the word “jiffies or jiffy” shows up 9 times.

[13] Remember when these weren’t controversial? Also, crossing one’s arms isn’t a power pose…but like the author was young at the time and probably didn’t realize that there were only a few set poses that could be called “Power Poses”.

[14] This is not an Andi-ism. I was surprised too. Nuttily is a real word. It means crazily.

[15] Ah yes, Andi’s dark past. This is a pseudo-mystery for Peter and viewers like you. So, I’ll stay quiet for now.

[16] Just when you thought Andi’s ego couldn’t get any bigger, meet Her Ladyship.

[17] More on Zoë’s flattery of “Lady” Andi (You guessed it) later.

[18] This one I did not have to look up. Hem-hem! Mayhap is indeed a real (all be it archaic) word meaning perhaps or maybe. Most of the slang used after Her Ladyship is (knighted? Ladified? Let’s go with that) ladified are archaic Victorian and Regency terms. Me, being a Jane Austen and Georgette Heyer fan, know them well.

[19] As normal as Andi can speak.

[20] First, there’s a reference to Aladdin's “diamond in the rough”, and second, there is the phrase, “diamond of the first water”, meaning belle of the ball, fairest of them all, a major hottie aka just really beautiful and charming.

[21] More on this later and by “later” I mean two chapters from now instead of a later “later”.

[22] Perchance is another archaic word for maybe or perhaps.

[23] Yes. Andi can talk to Princess. I think this is a specific blessing from Zeus and not a sign that she can talk to all Pegasi.

[24] A platoon is about 50 soldiers, so yay! Peter helped.

[25] A squad is 8 to 12 soldiers.

[26] The proper phrase is milk and water miss. It basically means a dull and proper weak-willed girl.

[27] As opposed to being unbalanced, i.e., crazy.

[28] Uh…well…thankfully for the rest of us, nothing lasts forever, right?

[29] A new footnote record! You can thank Her Ladyship.

Chapter Text

Chapter 21: New Moon Gets A Time Out[1]

(Peter) [2] [3]

We were in the mountains of one of the Hawaii islands, on the edge of the western world. The Hawaiian jungle was lush with life. I could hear small animals scurrying about and birds chirping their songs in the distance. Nearby was quiet. Most of the experienced hunters were meeting to plan our next campaign. The ones not involved in that had spread out across the mountain at their leisure. I had gone to an old spot of mine. I had found it countless years ago.

It was heaven to feel the warm embrace of the only hot spring in Hawaii after such a long night of fruitless hunting.[4] Sulfur and salt tinged the tropical fragrance of the jungle air as steam around me rose up in tendrils and caressed my face with its moisture. I sighed in delight and sank deeper into the healing waters of the spring.

“You look like an old man,” a familiar voice snarked.

I opened my eyes. My vision slowly readjusted to my steamy atmosphere and the slight shimmer that seemed to cover everything these days. Despite the filter of haze, the surrounding jungle was bright with color even at this time of year. By contrast, the boulders that bordered the spring were the color of a moonless night. Each one was made of pure obsidian. Their midnight black glossy faces twinkled faintly in the moonlight like a second night sky. Finally, there was the beauty of the spring itself. The steam dancing into the night air and the water clear as glass were the finishing touches to the picturesque landscape, I found myself in. It was simply extraordinary how I could make out every detail beneath the oval pool’s surface including how my silver one-piece kneeskin bathing suit and my shins and feet appeared ghostly pale against the black stone bottom of the hot spring pool.

Not that I cared for my appearance. It was of no consequence.

My eyes found my best friend instead. She was sitting on one of the rocks that marked the edge of the east side of the oblong spring. Her white one-piece bathing suit was even simpler than mine and yet, it accentuated her sun-kissed skin and her slender, athletic form. I would never understand how she managed to appear so winsome in even the plainest version of our hunter equipment.

How could I not admire the way she was leaning against her chosen perch with her long princess tresses styled into a loose braid that lay about one shoulder and her architecture book hanging artlessly in one hand, covering half her face like a fan? How could I not be drawn in by the expression on what was visible of her face? Her eyebrows were raised and her eyes were filled with quiet mirth. Their gleam was like the moonlight itself due to the hue of her suit and the shimmer in the air.

I could not resist. I did not try. I smiled at my dearest friend whose unconscious natural beauty eclipsed even the spring’s charm and said to her, “At least I am enjoying the bath instead of courting disaster.” I gestured at her book. She had refused to give up reading despite how it clashed with our hunter lifestyle. In times like these, it was especially noticeable how dangerous her hobby was for her delicate inanimate friends.

Annabeth waved her free hand dismissively. “I’ll get a naiad to repair it if—”

When. For it really was only a matter of time.

“—it gets damaged,” she finished.

“You are so spoiled,” I informed her with a teasing smile. I had taught her how to enlist the naiads’ help when her first book was ruined. Now it was standard procedure. She always had an offering prepared to the purpose in her hunter gear.

Annabeth put a hand on her chest. Her fingers lay just above her breasts. “Me?” she said with mock indignation, “What about you, Princess Serenity?”

Princess Serenity, like Lady Selene? It was probably a reference, but the specifics alluded me, so I merely said, “That is a new one.”[5]

Annabeth moved her shoulders in a graceful shrug. “Do you like it?” she asked hopefully.

My smile widened. “I do.” Verily, it was a pretty epithet. Though I was unsure I deserved the moniker.

“I’ll keep trying then,” Annabeth said. Her pink lips were pursed in a pout

“I do not know why you insist on searching for an epithet I do not like,” I countered. She never would find one. I liked all the names she gave me. It made me feel normal like I was just a regular teenage girl hanging out with her best friend instead of what I was.

“Because,” Annabeth said. She waved her free hand again. “I need something to call you for when I’m mad at you for being annoying or stupid.”

“I really do not think…” I trailed off as I spotted someone behind Annabeth. I did not know how the daughter of Zeus had found us. I had made sure to cover our trail, but there she was, creeping from between a patch of trees already dressed to swim in a bold black two-piece bikini decorated with silver spikes and chains that she had added herself.[6]

Our eyes met:

My nickel-gray to her electric blue.

Thalia mouthed, “You rat me out and I’ll make sure that Zoë puts you down for skinning duty for the next three months.” [7]

She made it sound like a hard choice. It was not. Before she went another step, I cried, “Annabeth! Behind you!”

Thalia scowled at me. She had been trying to devise a threat that I would take seriously for a while now. Like Annabeth and her epithets, she had had no luck thus far.

Annabeth heeded my words and turned to see the other hunter’s approach.

“Oh. It’s you,” Annabeth said, “Hold on a min—”

As I predicted, Thalia did not ‘hold on’ a single instant. She immediately without hesitation or restraint used her demi-god powers to leap an impossible distance through the air. Annabeth shrieked as Thalia tackled her into the water with a large splash.

I shook my head as Thalia and Annabeth reemerged, causing diamonds of light to launch into the air.

“Let go of me, Airhead!” Annabeth snapped, flailing her limbs about in a wild, yet elegant way. “You completely soaked my book!”

The daughter of Zeus just guffawed with wicked joy and kept her hold around Annabeth. “Come on, little sister,” she said, “We both know you’ll just ask one of the naiads to fix it.”

“That’s not the point!” Annabeth cried before slapping the wet glob of what had been a book onto a nearby rock ledge. “You always do this!” It was true. More than half of Annabeth’s ruined books were due to Thalia’s jests.

“And yet,” Thalia replied with a puckish smirk, “you always seem surprised.”

“Argh!” Annabeth pushed her adoptive sister away and got some distance between them. Though, she stayed clear of the north side of the pool where I sat, for which I was thankful. Then she ordered Thalia to, “Go bother someone else.”

“But you’re so fun!” Thalia teased. “And, Zoë,” Thalia’s best friend, “is in another one of those boring officer meetings.”[8]

“I don’t care!” Annabeth protested. “We joined the hunters, so there are now tons of girls for you to harass besides me.”

“But little sister,” Thalia began in a grating voice I knew Annabeth despised.

“I’m not your little sister,” Annabeth huffed.

A demonic gleam entered Thalia’s eyes as she looked Annabeth up and down. “No, you’re not little anymore, are you? In fact, you look bigger than last time.”

I felt my cheeks warm. Annabeth had as they say ‘walked right into that one’. She was in for a sisterly inspection.

“Thalia. No!” Annabeth said. Fear tinged her voice as she backed away from the demi-goddess whose hands were crackling with small electric sparks.

“Come on,” Thalia coaxed, trying to sound calm and reasonable. “Let me see how big you really are!” The daughter of Zeus added with a leer.

Annabeth splashed Thalia with water.

Thalia spluttered. Her predatory expression faded and she laughed, but I knew it was not over.

“Now you’ve done it,” Thalia declared right before she pounced again. Annabeth splashed her once more, but that did not deter Thalia from her goal. Soon the two were a writhing mass in the water.

Annabeth was screaming like a fury. My heart thudded involuntarily. It was an effort to stay still and neutral in my corner.

The very first time Thalia had done something like this, I had come to Annabeth’s immediate rescue. I had been ready to challenge Thalia to a hunter duel of honor or at the very least report Thalia’s strange behavior to Lady Artemis, but before I could enter into either venture, they had explained to me actively on Thalia’s part and begrudgingly on Annabeth’s that this was a sibling thing. Siblings, as I had long since learned, were bizarre creatures.

Thus, that day I was taught a valuable lesson. As such, this night I knew to listen for the suppressed giggling between the horseplay and all of Annabeth’s melodious shrieking. Someday, I might even find their antics amusing. There was something to be said about watching the two trained warriors act like regular girls at a pool party. Each was flushed with excitement and youth as they thrashed about.

Then, at last, Thalia managed to get behind Annabeth and lock her in an iron-clad hold around the waist.

Annabeth wiggled in a last attempt to free herself, but Thalia was having none of it. Her wandering hands moved with far too much precision.

Annabeth explained to me once that Thalia’s charged hands would make even the most stoic person feel sensitive and ticklish. My best friend tried not to give into the sensation her sister was inflicting on her. Her eyes were shut tight. Her face was flushed pink with exertion and her mouth was closed in a beguiling grimace, but it was all for not.

Thalia fondled the skin on the sensitive spot near the right side of Annabeth’s collarbone, and a wordless moan escaped Annabeth’s lips.

I suddenly felt both very cold and very hot. My embarrassment was overwhelming. I looked away. Sometimes their antics really were too much for me.

Thalia noticed. “Hey!” she called.

I reluctantly turned back to face her and Annabeth.

My best friend lay half-limp in Thalia’s arms. Annabeth’s gaze was at her feet and she was giving them a small self-deprecating smile.

Thalia, meanwhile, was aglow with victory. A predatory glint reentered the daughter of Zeus’s eyes as she suggestively asked, “Do you wanna make this a threesome, N—”

Her mouth formed my name, but nothing came out.

I waited.

She did not finish her sentence.

“Thalia?” I asked, not daring to come closer in case this was another one of the demi-goddess’s tricks. I addressed Annabeth next, “Annabeth, is your sister alright?”

Annabeth did not look at me.

“Annabeth?” I asked again.

There was only silence and not just around the hot spring, it seemed like the entire jungle was quiet. I felt a shiver go down my spine.

“Annabeth? Thalia?” I said more urgently, hoping that one of them, probably Thalia would come alive and tell me that ‘they got me good’. However, neither of them moved. Everything was so still like the whole world had paused. Even the steam seemed to have stopped moving.

The only thing that had changed was the haze. It was thicker than before, like a shimmering curtain that covered everything all around me. I swallowed. “Come on, you two, end this farce. I do not find it funny.”

Still nothing.

I cautiously waded through the water. It was a slow procession east. The water was as warm as ever, but it had become thick and viscous like half-dried mud.

I reached the girls and gently caressed Annabeth’s cheek. Her skin was warm and somewhat pliable, but not as soft and yielding as I imagined it should be. Annabeth, too, was being far too accommodating. I had never engaged in such an unprecedented intimacy with my best friend before now, and yet she did not tell me to stop. She did not pull away, scream, swatted my hand, or laugh and tell me my hands were too rough.

All of those dreaded reactions would be preferable to her current docility. It was like she was a doll. I waited for a time, but still, she did not react. She did not move. She did not blink. She did not even breathe.

A brief clasping of Thalia’s forearm proved she too was completely unresponsive.

Faced with these new facts, the disbelief that had dulled my initial movements faded away and was replaced by a searing panic. Something was very wrong. I needed to find Lady Artemis.

Right.

Now.

Surely, she was awake and able.

With effort, I trudged over to the edge of the spring and pulled myself out. My arm strained as the water fought to hold me with the death grip of quicksand, but I was determined, and in the end, I won the battle.

The moment I was free, I ran. I sprinted. I dashed through the suddenly sinister jungle as fast as I could, but it was not fast at all. It felt like I was moving through water. Every leaf I brushed felt stiff and the ground was just as unyielding. Even the air was affected. It was hard to breathe, let alone run.

It seemed like hours had gone by before I finally reached the grass clearing where we had set up camp. The place looked vacant, save the guard wolves and falcons. The wolves appeared to be peacefully asleep by the large fire pit, so their inanimate state was less obvious than the falcons in the trees above. The usually restless birds’ stern gazes were fixed and unwavering as I crossed the compound. Several birds were even frozen in midflight above me. Each was ready to change their watch-post but was denied their goal by the night’s strange circumstances.

I did my best to ignore my growing disquiet. It did not matter that the animals I had grown to love looked like stuffed versions of themselves. Nor did it matter that the usually bright and welcoming silver tents of the hunters now struck me as oddly dark and foreboding. All that mattered was getting to the seventh and largest tent, Lady Artemis’s tent.

I entered Lady Artemis’s stronghold and was surrounded by a warmth that came from silk rugs, animal pelts, throw pillows, and a bright fire. As expected, the large tent was filled with some of Artemis’s most trusted hunters. They were all gathered around a large oak table. Strone about its surface were maps and plans for our next big hunt.

The bespectacled Phylonoe was angrily gesturing at a map of Alaska, apparently arguing that we should return to the continent and explore that snowy tundra in the hopes of finding a monster to best, but Phylonoe’s twin sister, Polly, had her arms crossed and from her livid expression, it was clear that she was against the idea.[9] Everyone knew she hated the cold and despised Alaska, in particular, ever since the “Incident”.[10] The two siblings’ argument seemed to be getting quite heated and poor Phoebe, currently our best tracker and newest officer, held an arm out beseechingly to each sister in a futile act of mediation.[11]

Meanwhile Genia, the oldest officer besides Zoë, stared at the displayed maps with a look of intense concern and concentration on her worldly face as she held the small hand of Sip who also seemed deeply worried.[12] The sweet blonde-haired blue-eyed deceptively young hunter was biting her lip and glancing over at Artemis’s grand oak chair obviously deferring her opinion to the goddess and her trusty lieutenant, Zoë Nightshade.[13] On a normal night, Zoë or Artemis would tell the other hunters to settle down. Then Artemis would as they say ‘lay down the law’.

However, tonight, the familiar scene of discourse and debate had become uncanny, unsettling, and unfamiliar, for everyone in the tent from little Sip to the towering Polly was as inert as Annabeth and Thalia had been. Even the fire was frozen.

And worse of all, Sip, who was so earnestly looking to our goddess for guidance, stared at nothing but empty air. For in the place of honor where Artemis should have been was nothing but air and blank space. She and her faithful lieutenant were gone.

No.

My eyes scanned the tent as if the two of them were just hiding in a corner or had just stepped out to ascertain the situation as I had.

Such a hope was unfounded. Their chairs were positioned like two women were occupying them still. They were neither pulled out nor fully tucked into the table. Instead, the chairs were the perfect distance for Artemis and Zoë to sit comfortably. Furthermore, Zoë’s quill pen was still poised centimeters above a sheet of parchment ready to take down another note, like she was still holding it.

I was a hunter. I was a tracker, a warrior, and a detective. My years of experience told me, Artemis and Zoë were not hiding nor were they not exploring like I was. The goddess and her nymph had not left this room by typical mortal means.

My eyes stared at Zoë’s quill pen, like it held all the answers as I stood there and tried to think. Sneakier than sleep, my mind pulled me towards a musing too dark to contemplate, and yet, it was too late to unknow such a thought. It made too much sense. Far too much sense. Terror coursed through me hot as Hawaiian lava.

No.

I turned and ran back outside.

It could not be I told myself. It did not matter that the pieces fit together better than an animal skeleton. It was not possible. It could not be possible.

With all the desperation, hope, and longing, of a fox trying to escape a trap, I looked up at the night sky. I yearned to be wrong. To see the wild smattering of constellations and wispy clouds under the tender light of a crescent moon.

It was not to be so.

As I feared, the night sky was a blank canvas of empty soul-crushing darkness. There were no clouds, no stars, and most importantly, no moon.

No!

“Artemis!” I shouted at the sky. “Lady Artemis, where are you!”

“ARTEMIS!” I screamed her name.

I called for her again and again, asking her to answer, to show herself, to explain what was happening. I sent her my prayers, my pleas, my fear, my sadness, and finally, my rage.

She did not come.

No one came.

For as long as I stood out there in the hazy Hawaiian jungle, nothing changed. Nothing moved, not even time. I was stuck in a frozen world, abandoned and alone.

Footnotes

[1] Also known as the hot springs’ episode. Expect some PG-13 anime fanservice.

[2] Technically, but there’s no Peter in this chapter. It is all New Moon. As such, this is a good place to look for clues for New Moon’s identity.

[3] I realize fanservice and the lack of Peter might be a deterrent for some but this and Chapter 23 are some of my favorite chapters in this fic, so give it a chance.

[4] Hawaii only has “warm” springs apparently. So, I guess this place is a real find.

[5] It’s a reference to Sailor Moon.

[6] This is how I guessed Bianca’s underwear color in footnote 8 of chapter 13. I assumed that hunter underwear came in similar colors to their swimwear i.e., white (Annabeth), black (Thalia), or silver (New Moon).

[7] When I first read this back in the day, I assumed this was some sort of oversight or mistake and that the authors had forgotten that Thalia was the daughter of Ares in their fic. Now I can say, it is no such thing. Make of that what you will.

[8] Considering New Moon’s idea of friendship when it comes to Annabeth, Thalia’s behavior here, Ares Thalia’s “friendship” with Drew, and the fact that this fic takes place before people learned what happened to lesbian hunter couples, I seriously have to wonder about the nature of Thalia’s and Zoë’s “friendship”.

[9] I believe both Phylonoe and Polly are maidens of Artemis from mythology. Phylonoe and Polyboia (my best guess for Polly) are both referred to as a princess of Lakedaimonia. Sometimes they are considered to be the same person. So, it makes sense to me that they are twins here. Phylonoe means mind of the people, so maybe she’s wearing glasses to show she’s smart.

[10] Yeah. I have no idea, but considering the pool episode shenanigans earlier in the chapter, I bet it was something special.

[11] You all remember Phoebe from PJO Titan’s Curse, right? I could not find a mythological story behind her inclusion in this group. I think her presence is just a show of continuity which is a seemingly rare blessing in this chapter.

[12] More hunters from mythology: Genia is probably Iphigeneia, a princess of Mykenai, who was made immortal by Artemis after the poor girl was offered as a sacrifice. And lastly, Sip is probably short for Sipriotes. The myth is that Sip was a little boy who accidentally saw Artemis bathing. After Artemis caught them, the goddess gave them the option of becoming a girl and joining the hunt, or dying. Sip, a smart kid, chose life.

[13] Because Sip became a hunter at a young age, I suspect she’s stayed a little kid this whole time which would explain the deceptively young comment.

Chapter Text

Chapter 22: I Wish Peter Was A Princess

(Andi)

“Andi!” Princess whined, “If we don’t land right now, I swear I’m gonna crash! I’m hella tired, and hungry, and thirsty, and I need to go number 2 real bad!”

I looked over at Princess the Pegasus. I had done my best to support my noble steed with my wind powers, but it had been a long flight. Grover and the Hunters were asleep. I hadn’t eaten anything besides Grover’s supply of peanut butter lemon curd sandwiches all day and it was almost sunset.

I looked down. We’d passed Chicago a while ago. Now we were flying above Idaho? Ohio? Illinois? One of the countless I-states, who can keep track?[1] The road below was pretty empty looking but just ahead was a patch of water and some buildings. “There!” I pointed.

Princess whinnied in pleasure and dove down like a spur-winged goose after seeing a tuber.[2]

“Wait!” I called after her.

Grover woke up and started screaming. Bianca joined in. Even Zoë let out a short cry of distress.

I sighed and flew down after them.

Princess slammed onto the ground and screamed, “Get off me! Now!” The Hunters and Grover rushed to obey. Then Princess galloped to the lake.

I touched down softly beside Zoë. She was looking around. “Where have you brought us Lady Andi?” she asked, calmly.

I smiled wanly and said knowledgeably, “The Sleepy Hollow RV Park & Campground.” I had seen the sign as I had landed. I also found out we were in Iowa.

“Well done,” she said, sagely. “Let us go to the lake. You and the Pegasus ought to rest awhile while food is found.”

“I got more sandwiches,” Grover said, disgustingly.

Zoë ignored him. “Bianca, we are going fowl hunting,” she commanded.

“But…” Bianca whispered. She had been quiet, all ride. At least, I could say that she was improving.

“Come!” Zoë snapped. “We will see you later, Lady Andi.”

I nodded solemnly before the two Hunters wandered off.[3] Then I turned to Grover. “Find a vending machine and get more food,” I ordered, nicely.

“What!” he cried. “But…where would I find one? And what about money?”

I sighed again. This wouldn’t be a problem if he had thought to get food while we were at the museum. Now, thanks to him and only him, our options were very limited. I pulled out a green card from my pocket and said, “Here. Don’t lose it.”

Grover goggled at the card. “You kept that?” he asked impressedly.

I frowned. “Yeah.” For some reason, I had been the only one to think to keep my infinite money credit card from the Lotus Hotel.[4] Because I cared more about maintaining market equilibrium in the mortal world’s diaphanous socioeconomic system to avoid the peccancies of hyperinflation than my own material gain, I only deign to use this blest card in the most dire of emergencies.[5] And today was totes an emergency. I was hungry enough to eat a goat.[6]

“Go on,” I said to the satyr, shaking the card at his goatee. It was hard to hold onto it and Peter at the same time.

Grover took the card still in awe, but then he glanced at Peter. “Are you sure—” he began stupidly.

“Go Grover,” I ordered, decisively, “Now!”

“Alright!” Grover whimpered. He scrambled away.

I made my way to the lake, making sure to stay far away from where Princess was powdering her nose. Then I put Peter in the water. Grover had once told me that he overheard Peter and Percy talk about water healing their wounds, so maybe it would help Peter now.

I looked down at Peter’s frozen body. He looked like a weird wax statue, but at least, the expression on Peter’s face was no longer a grimace of pain. I had fed him some nectar through his teeth and had deliberately flown through some clouds on the way here in the hopes they would help Peter. The clouds and nectar did help. He wasn’t as stiff or angry looking, but he still hadn’t woken up.

I sighed again and sat on the dirt land a bit away from him. I summon my mini master bolt and looked at it to confirm what I already knew.

My mini master bolt was very special. Most people assumed that it had like one setting but it actually had like a bazillion settings for all different kinds of scenarios and people.

• For me and Daddy, it was totally harmless.
• For most mortals, I had it set to sticks and stones.
• For Demi-gods and minor gods, it was set to pointy hot stick. It would give them a mild burn if I hit them, but it wasn’t life-threatening.
• For major gods and titans, I had it set to French fry stick. As it was only a mini-bolt, I couldn’t smite them, but it could inflict serious burns.
• For regular monsters, I usually had it set to regular smite stick.
• And, for undead monsters and a subset of mortals that would remain unnamed, I had it set to ash stick.[7] Because some things are so sinful and unnatural that they shouldn’t leave a trace and then, there were the undead who I couldn’t kill, so this was the next best method of attack.[8]

All these settings made my bolt really easy to use assuming you could speak lightning and air and had Daddy’s blessing like I did. Earlier, I had changed the regular monster setting to stun stick, because Zoë hadn’t wanted me to kill the ladybirds. By checking the settings now, I saw that it was still set to pointy hot stick for demi-gods and stun stick for monsters like I thought.

I frowned. Even if I had set it to stun stick for demi-gods, Peter should be up by now. I had used the solar hour stun stick setting on the ladybirds and it had been way longer than that.[9] If I hadn’t checked Peter to make sure he was breathing earlier, I might have thought he had expired. Instead, he was…

I looked over at him hopefully. Peter had finally unfurled his body from that ‘must avoid getting wet position’ and was peacefully sleeping with the nice kind of fishes in the lake. The water had brought back more color to his features too.

I put away my mini-bolt and scooted closer to him. Then I tried to shake Peter awake. “Peter?” I asked. “Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey?”

His eyes didn’t open. He looked like Sleeping Beauty or maybe Snow White since he had dark hair. Maybe I should kiss him awake? I scooted even closer to the water and put his head on my lap. I could remember the first time I did this. I leaned forward, tense in case he tried to cough like last time, but he lay still, his beautiful lips plump and ready.

I licked my own lips. This, unfortunately, wasn’t my first kiss because of all the things I had to do in my dark past, but it would probably be Peter’s.[10] I felt nervous for him. What if he was a bad kisser? He would be so embarrassed.

I moved a few inches closer. Even if Peter was a bad kisser, I could teach him. Then we’d have another activity to do together as friends. He might even be so thankful that he’d forgive me for putting him in a coma.

A tear fell on Peter’s face.

I had put Peter in a coma.

A second tear.

I had done a wicked thing and I didn’t think I could undo it with a kiss. This wasn’t a fairytale. Peter wasn’t a princess. I didn’t love him and he didn’t love me. Not even a little. Sometimes, I wasn’t even sure Peter liked me.

How could he like someone who put a person in a coma? That was the sort of thing evil queens and stepmoms did.

I let out a sob and cried out tragically, “I don’t want to be a stepmom!”[11]

Someone put a hand on my shoulder.

“Ey, youngwan, story horse,” said a beautifully accented baritone voice.[12]

I turned and found myself looking into a gorgeous set of baby blue eyes and a chin that could break through wood faster than a karate chop. My heart leaped and danced as wildly as a quirky girl who thought no one was watching her.

Gosh Golly Gee and a Pat Boone’s Whitakers![13]

It wasn’t Luke, but this person was almost as good. They were worth at least three and a half Nicos. And even better, they weren’t alone![14]

I’ll Make Pretty Girls Out of You[15]

(Alpha R)

 

Andi:

Let's get down to business

To impress Circe

Did they send me piglets

Instead of ladies?

 

You’re the saddest bunch I've ever met

But you can bet before we're through

I will make pretty girls out of you

 

Sweeter than hot chocolate

And warm inside

Once you find your truth

There’s nothing to hide

 

You're an acne-filled, petty lot

And you haven’t got a clue

But I'll make pretty girls out of you

 

Crew:

I’m never gonna catch my breath!

Say goodbye to those who knew me!

Girl, was I a fool for not doing ballet!

 

Nico:

These girls got me scared to death!

Hope they don't see right through me!

Gods, how I wish that I knew how to sashay!

 

Chorus:

Be A Girl

You must be kind as a shining rainbow

Be Pretty

With all the poise of a prancing pony

Be A Girl

With all the love of a healing hug

As Beautiful as the light from the sun~

 

Andi:

Time is racing toward us

‘Til Circe returns

Heed your hearts’ desires

And you won’t get burned

Make-up, mirrors, and exercise

They’re just a means to an end

You’re pretty because, girl, you’re my friend!

 

Chorus:

(Be A Girl)

You must be kind as a shining rainbow

(Be Pretty)

With all the poise of a prancing pony

(Be A Girl)

With all the love of a healing hug

As Beautiful as the light from the sun~

(Be A Girl)

You must be kind as a shining rainbow

(Be Pretty)

With all the poise of a prancing pony

(Be A Girl)

With all the love of a healing hug

As Beautiful as the light from the sun~

Footnotes

[1] Andi is yet another victim of the US public school system and thus, sucks at geography.

[2] A spur-winged goose is a fast bird that hails from Africa. They like root vegetables aka tubers. Though why the goose would be able to see an underground vegetable while flying is a mystery to me. Maybe that’s why they would be so excited to see one.

[3] See, what I tell you. Andi is basically over it.

[4] Seriously though, why don’t people keep those cards?

[5] Basically, Andi doesn’t want to break the economy by using her infinite money credit card all the time.

[6] I suspect Andi used goat instead of horse in respect for Princess who she values more than our poor goat-boy.

[7] I assume this means vaporize? Which is pretty dark considering that there’s a set of people she’d consider doing this to.

[8] Who are these sinful and unnatural people? They are part of Andi’s dark and tragic backstory, of course. It will be explained in more detail in a later chapter, but you can probably figure it out before then.

[9] A solar hour is basically an hour.

[10] See. Already another clue as to her backstory.

[11] But I guess Andi would be okay with being an evil queen?

[12] This translates to: Hey girl, what’s going on?

[13] Pat Boone is a singer. One of his songs is Gee Whitakers!

[14] I can honestly say, you will never guess who these people are. So, in this instance, I ask you not to try. Shocking I know. You can thank my delta reader who claims to be overwhelmed by the number of laters in this fic.

[15] You can thank march4fun aka my delta reader for this addition.

Chapter Text

Chapter 23: New Moon’s Hope Is Extinguished

(Peter)[1]

I climbed up flight after flight of stairs inside the Empire State Building. When I had checked the elevators, they, of course, had not been operational, so I was now traversing the six hundred stories on foot. [2] If time was to be considered, this trek was taking me hours, but I was used to the toil. It had been over a year since the world had stood still and this would hopefully be the last stop on my harrowing journey.

It had begun in Hawaii. I spent my first week praying to every god I could think of and combing the Hawaiian island of Moloka’i for another living breathing soul. All I found were more statues. That is what became of the mortals, satyrs, and Party Ponies. [3] There were no monsters and there were no gods, major or minor, Greek or Hawaiian. The rest of the island was as still and unmoving as the jungle I had left behind.

It was not encouraging, but I did not give up. I returned to the hot spring. After I said my goodbyes to Thalia and Annabeth and gathered all the gear that I thought would be useful, I took the best boat I could find and left the island.

The best boat available was a rowboat. Nothing moved without my help, so the more modern contraptions did not work for me. I rowed to Maui and then the island of Hawaii, but my brief survey showed no signs of life.

At that point, I decided I would need to seek out the gods in their sacred places, so I rowed my boat out to the open sea and dropped my makeshift anchor. Then I brought out the Hunters of Artemis underwater hunt equipment and dove into the Pacific Ocean.

Most believe Atlantis is in the Atlantic Ocean or the Mediterranean Sea, but Poseidon, despite his faults, is a clever god full of wiles. His city exists within the unseeable depths of the sea, meaning that any body of saltwater with unseeable depths can be used as a portal. [4] Even the Great Salt Lake of Utah has access to his domain if you know how to find it and thanks to my experience, I was versed in that particular mystery.

Soon enough, I arrived at the underwater kingdom. The city’s abalone buildings shone like a moonbow thanks to the luminescent jellyfish, shining as brightly and motionless as the artificial flames during midwinter. The effect of the multi-colored lights on the hovering merfolk and other inert sea creatures bordered on uncanny, but it still filled me with hope.

Atlantis did not look like the world above. I could not see the dark empty sky or the shimmering haze here. The city was bright and seemed almost normal, almost alive.

Almost.

When I checked the city, I found nothing new. I looked in the palace next, but it was just a beautiful shell of emptiness, an oyster without a pearl. No Lady Amphitrite, Lord Poseidon, Lord Triton, or even Lord Delphin graced its hollowed halls.

Finally, I went to the volcanic forges in the hopes of finding a friendly cyclops working at their station or Lord Hephaestus himself, but the forges too were empty. In some cases, hammers hung suspended above their workstations so that you could almost see the hands and beings that held them.

Again, almost, but almost was not nearly enough.

I left Atlantis with a heavy heart, but I pressed on. Months later, I went to the underworld, hoping that the gods of death had fared better in this tragedy, but the souls of the underworld hung about, hazy and lifeless as a Kodak and there was no Charon to ferry me across the River Styx, nor was Cerberus there to block my path on the other side. The judgment pavilion stood unmanned, with King Minos and the other judges gone. The Kindly Ones too were absent and when I arrived at Hades’ Palace, it was the same. The bronze and dark stone building did not house the rulers of this land. It was just filled with the deadly stillness of the underworld, but I was not done.

After steeling myself, I followed the Lethe River into Tartarus. I was more determined in those days so I was not tempted to drink from its waters and forget everything and everyone. Instead, I reached the darkest part of the world, hell itself, and found myself wishing, it was more dangerous and viler, but all that was there was confirmation.

As I had long suspected, Kronos was missing. However, unlike the other unaccounted-for gods and titans, this was a mixed blessing. With Kronos gone, there was finally a plausible explanation for my current predicament. Someone I could blame. Someone I could talk to. Someone I could reason with, and if all that failed, someone I could hunt down, trap, and torture for information on how to rectify this situation.

Such were my thoughts.

I surmised that since Kronos was not here, there were only two places he was likely to be. I left the underworld with purpose. I acquired a bicycle and rode it through California’s empty golden hills to San Francisco, thankful to Annabeth for insisting I learn how to operate one in days past. 

Yet knowing how to ride a bicycle did not help me overcome my disappointment when I, at last, arrived at the Mountain of Despair. There was no Kronos, no titan army, no rebuilt palace of the titans, no gods in chains, or any other grotesque displays of power to be seen there. Ladon and the Hesperides were also nowhere to be found and Lord Atlas’s post was empty with the celestial heavens frozen in place above me. Seeing the sky and its myriad of colors reminded me of the shell that was the Palace of Atlantis. It had been months and the only thing that had changed was the thickness of the shimmering fog. I was just as alone on this mountain as I had been there.

A wave of despair crashed upon me. The beauty and enormity of the sky made me feel so small and insignificant. I felt lost and afraid and lonely. I was so lonely. I was just one person in this big empty world and I was tired of being alone.

Wave after wave overtook me and this became the only stop during my entire trip where I lost track of my relative time completely. I have no idea how many minutes, hours, or days, I spent up there.

However, even though time did not pass for others, it did for me. I was still alive. I still reacted. I grew hungry and thirsty and it was enough to remind me of my humanity and my mission. I was weak by the time I returned to my bicycle and supplies, but I did return. I ate and slept and then I rode away from that place as fast as I could.

After the Mountain of Despair, I almost opted to skip my last detour, but I could not risk it. Thus, I headed to the land of the Lotus Eaters in Las Vegas, a place that exists outside of time. It was a long shot, so I was not surprised when I found nothing, save the temptation of the lotuses. [5] However, I was humbled by my breakdown at the Mountain of Despair, so it was easier to resist them than it might have been. I told myself that I could not afford to lose more time. I left the hotel and continued on to my last hope:

Mount Olympus.

I knew that if Kronos was alive and able and if he was not at the Mountain of Despair, then he had to be there. I suspected he would be torturing the gods by taking over their home.

Thus, I traversed the country on a series of bicycles, switching one out for another when the former was worn out. I rode as fast and as far as I could. Every time I stopped, I could not resist looking around, in case I found someone, anyone, wandering this hellscape as I was.

There, of course, was no one, but it did not matter.

For now, I was finally here. I crested the last flight of stairs and faced a silver door that glowed with its own light. I licked my lips and clenched my hands into fists. This was it, the last stronghold of the gods. I had made it. And yet, I did not know how to feel.

I was not the same person who left Hawaii or even the same person who left the Mountain of Despair. As I had traveled in darkness and silence, I had felt fear and doubt grow within me. The longer I rode, the less sure I became of Kronos’s involvement. What was the point of stopping time like this? Even in New York City? Even for the elevator to Mount Olympus?

It felt wrong and yet, if it wasn’t Kronos, who was doing this? It simply had to be him. I needed it to be him. I needed to be right, so I dreaded coming here as much as I knew it was necessary. Mount Olympus was the home of the gods.

If they were not here, then all that would be left would be Greece itself.

That last thought was like a festering wound. I did not want to cross another ocean. I did not want to start another search, but I would have to. I knew I could not give up, no matter how much I wanted to.

I was alive. I was moving. That had to mean something, right?

It had been many months since I had been sure of that. Many months since I had been sure of much of anything. There was only one truth these days or this night, this endless night of despair and quietude, I had to keep moving or I’d be lost to it, just like everyone else.

I let out a deep breath and pushed open the door. The door was heavy especially in this time of viscosity and stillness, but it gave way quickly under my insistent pressure. Physically at least, I was so much stronger than when I had started my quest.

And I was here.

Mount Olympus.

At last.

Just like in the Mountain of Despair, there were no signs of Kronos or a hostile takeover. There was only the all too familiar quiet that stalked me wherever I went and here in the most sacred of places, it was even worse than usual. The fog was thicker than ever and there was no one to greet me, no statues, not even satyrs. I was completely alone. I walked quickly to the marble white and silver-grey palace at the top of the mountain as if I could outrun my growing despondency. As if it would not find me and snare me like a hare in a trap soon enough.

I cannot say how I crossed the distance from the stairwell of the Empire State Building to the throne room of the palace. I was so much faster these days. So used to moving without thought, for nearly all my thoughts were nothing worth dwelling on. Thus, in less than a quarter-hour, I was there and I could not breathe.

I was frozen.

My whole body seized up. I could barely think. All because it had finally happened. Finally, my prayers had been answered. Gods, this truly was heaven. For there, by the hearth fire, was a solitary figure dressed in a russet brown robe tending the flames and they were moving! Both the figure and the flames!

I knew her immediately and was hit with a sharp feeling of self-reproof. How could I have neglected to think of her before now? I had prayed to all the Olympians. I had prayed to minor gods, even titans, and yet I had somehow forgotten her.

“Lady Hestia!” I rasped. My voice was raw from disuse and the unexpected joy of this moment.

The figure turned and I saw her round face, kindly features, and unmistakable glowing amber eyes. “Why hello there, child,” she said, “I was hoping that you would stop by.”

I strode forward and began, “Lady Hestia, Goddess of Home and Hearth.” Already, there were tears in my eyes. I pressed on and started the speech that I had prepared a year ago for when I finally came across someone of power. I said, “Please. I beg of you. Can you tell me what—” I stopped talking.

Hestia had walked over to me. She was hugging me. It was the first true human contact I had received all year. It was so good, and yet it burned. Such a gentle embrace was foreign to my hard, jaded body.

“Lady Hestia,” I sobbed. “I…I…”

“Shush,” she said. “I am here now. You’re safe.” She petted my head and for a wild moment, I wished Lady Hestia was my mother. She was far warmer than her fellow virgin goddesses. For longer still, I was overcome and could not say more than her name, but eventually, the tears stopped and I was able to pull away. I looked into her warm hearth eyes and finished my original question, “Can you tell me what has happened to the world?”

Lady Hestia turned to the fire. We were closer somehow and I realized the hearth fire was not nearly as large and lively as it should be. It was a small thing, a collection of flames and embers.

Lady Hestia sighed and the flames diminished even more. “I am sorry to say child,” she said in somber tones, “but the world is fading.”

No.

“That’s not possible,” I said.

Gods and titans could fade but the whole world?

Lady Hestia’s face turned grim. “It’s more than possible. It is reality. Worlds disappear more often than you would believe. It will not be long before this fire burns out and this world ceases to exist. If time were still a relevant concept, I’d say we have perhaps a couple more weeks, no more than a month. Almost all of the other gods and titans have gone from here. Even Kronos has left this earthly plane, but the process has been going on for a long time. It started with the monsters and minor gods and slowly one by one without most beings realizing it, gods, titans, and monsters, all the things that are more belief than flesh, began to vanish. Soon the last being will be gone from this place and be reborn in a world filled with more love. All but me I shall remain until the very end.”

She looked up at me. Even her glowing amber eyes were duller than they should be. “And you,” she said, “I was not sure you would make it here, but you have, and you have neither frozen nor left. You child, have a choice.”

My head was filled with new questions. “I do not understand.” A choice? I felt so confused. Kronos and the gods were gone? How could that be? How could the world be fading and what did she mean by them being reborn? I started with that last question. “What do you mean by rebirth?” I asked. “Are you speaking of an afterlife?”

Lady Hestia frowned. “Not in the way you are thinking. It is…” she paused and began again. “A god is many things and exists in many places. They have stopped existing here, but they are not dead. They simply exist elsewhere.”

I swallowed. “What about the mortals? And the Hunters of Artemis?” And me? She said I had a choice. Did that mean Artemis’s blessing still applied, making me special, or was it something else? What if I had never been mortal to begin with?

It was a question I had asked myself many a time on my journey. Why me? Why had I been left to wander this timeless wasteland alone? It had been one of the queries in my prepared speech, but now that I was here, I was not sure it mattered. When the very world was trying to reset itself, did anything truly matter anymore? I had been alone for so long. If I could get a new start that would not be a bad thing, would it?

“The mortals,” Lady Hestia answered, “including what is left of the Hunters, will disappear when this world fades.”

Disappear? The Hunters would all be gone, wiped. Even…

Annabeth.

“Is there nothing I can do?” I asked with some renewed desperation. It was less than it should have been. Even with Lady Hestia before me to give guidance, I did not know how to make myself feel as I ought. I was so tired. I had to drag the next words out of my mouth like they were a dead animal carcass. “Is there a prophecy or some sort of…quest?” The last word felt like an arrow throw my very heart. With each pulse of my blood, it drew pain and suffering.

I truly could not imagine accomplishing a quest after this unholy year, and yet if the goddess’s answer was yes, I would have to. I had no choice. I had to try for her and for Thalia and the rest.

However, Lady Hestia shook her head. “We are beyond such things, I’m afraid.” Then her voice became gentler than a kiss of death and she said, “This is the end.”

And just like that, the last embers of hope that I had been trying to ignite since I had seen Lady Hestia at her hearth were completely extinguished.

There was nothing.

I glowered at her and then I turned to the fire, wanting to wish for her to be wrong, wanting to care, but instead I was relieved. I was relieved! What was wrong with me? My friends were are going to die and I was on the edge of happiness?

Lady Hestia put a hand on my shoulder. “Child.”

I blinked back more tears.

Lady Hestia could sense my pain and was trying to comfort me, but she did not understand. She thought I was mourning the world. She thought I was being a good person. When in reality, I was worse than a worm, worse than the most lecherous and prideful of men. I deserved to be strapped down by malicious snakes or have an eagle eat my liver. [6] I deserved to be Sisyphus with his rock or Danaus’s daughters with their ever-leaking basin. [7] I deserved to suffer from eternal hunger and thirst. [8] But no, none of that was truly fitting. For my disloyalty and selfishness, I should be turned into a monster and be hunted and killed by my fellow Hunters for eternity. [9]

That is what my fate should be.

For, beyond the insult of the solace growing inside me, Lady Hestia’s words had spoken to some deep knowledge within myself. Her final words of resignation had not been as shocking as they should have been. Rather they had been more like a confirmation. For, in sooth, I had long since intuited all of this was beyond me. Even before the world had stopped, I had sensed something was amiss. I had seen the shimmering haze of the fog, no, the mist that had seemed to cover all things long ago. I had noticed there were fewer monsters to hunt as well. I had ignored my unease and the dreams. The dreams! I never thought those would come to anything.[10] I never thought they would because I did not want to think about them and now, though it was not nearly enough, I was receiving punishment for my inaction.

That was the heinous truth of it all. From the beginning, I had known in my heart of hearts that this quest, long though it was, could not repay years of enforced ignorance and I had no one to blame, but myself. I was a failure. Plain and simple.

I must have said those last words aloud, for Lady Hestia gave my shoulder a squeeze and said, “You are not a failure, child. You have made it here. You have found out what has become of your home.”

Home. The word cut through my self-recrimination.

“I want to go back,” I decided, suddenly. The sentence was like a moonbeam coming through the clouds on a starless night. I realized that if this was truly the end and the world had reached its final chapter, I did not want to be here when it happened. If I was going to die, I wanted my deathbed to be beside my best friend’s.

“Lady Hestia,” I asked in a voice that finally sounded like my own, “Can you take me home?”

After everything I had done, it would have been just if she had laughed at my impertinence and said no, or worse, if she had frozen right then and there, but Lady Hestia did none of those things. The merciful goddess of the hearth gave me a mother’s smile and her eyes flared, a degree brighter. “I cannot do much, but that is within my power.” She reached into her robes and pulled out yet another brown robe.

“Put this on,” she instructed. “It is a piece of home and will protect you as only a home can.”

I slipped on the robe and felt its warmth. It was like another hug from the goddess herself. Somehow, despite all the tears I shed, I found more. This was not fair. I did not deserve such kindness.

“Hush now, child,” she said. “Hush.” She enveloped me again and petted my head.

I forced myself to quiet. It was harder than it should have been, but it was the least I could do.

When I was done, she spoke again. “Good. Now close your eyes,” she said before stepping away, “and think of your homestead.”

I did as she bid me. I forgot my self-hatred as I thought of camp, of the other Hunters, of Lady Artemis, of Zoë, of Thalia, and of Annabeth.

Annabeth, who had made the Hunters finally seem like a family to me, more than anything or anyone else, she was my home.

I could picture her so clearly in my mind. Her serious steel grey eyes, her beautiful blonde hair, her sun-kissed skin that always made me feel self-conscious of my fair complexion, the stubborn set to her chin, that almost too long nose, and her mouth half-scowling, half-smiling.

Annabeth. The image of her brought me peace and safety.

The warmth of the robe increased, but it was not an unpleasant feeling. It was pure and so welcoming that I could not question it. For, this was not a matter of deserving or not deserving. This was unconditional. This was love.

Even before, I spoke, before I opened my eyes and breathed in the familiar fragrant steamy sulfur-tinged air, I knew it had worked. I knew I had returned to her. I knew:

I was home.

Footnotes

[1] This is another full New Moon chapter.

[2] Artistic License. The real-life Empire State Building is 102 stories. In PJO, Olympus is on the 600th floor by elevator. So, I guess after the 102^nd story, New Moon was walking up magic stairs.

[3] You may remember that Party Ponies are centaurs.

[4] This is more artistic license. I always had the impression that Atlantis and its underwater forges were somewhere in the Sea of Monsters which the PJO wiki confirms for the forges at least. This idea of Atlantis being Schrödinger’s saltwater city is interesting though and it technically doesn’t contradict the canon.

[5] Even more artistic license. The lotuses aren’t really mentioned in PJO Lightning Thief. The hotel itself does all the work. Though we could assume the lotuses here function as they do in the PJO movies, I don’t like the movies (Does anyone?). Thus, I theorize that the lotuses probably work like they do in mythology. In the Odyssey, the lotuses are a delicious narcotic that causes Odysseus’s men to become lethargic, filled with contentment to the point of bliss, apathetic towards the outside world, and super reluctant to leave the Lotus-Eaters’ island.

[6] These are both Greek myth punishments. An eagle eating one’s liver on a daily loop is Prometheus’s punishment for giving humans fire and the chair snakes is the punishment of Theseus and his best friend Pirithous. Pirithous was trying to marry Persephone who was already married to Hades, you know, the god known for holding grudges. Yeah, there’s a reason why Theseus and Prometheus get saved by Heracles and Pirithous is left behind.

[7] More Greek punishments: Sisyphus earned his by being a very bad king who liked murdering his people and visitors. And Danaus’s daughters received their punishment for killing their husbands as part of a court intrigue plot.

[8] Being cursed with hunger is a punishment that happens in a few myths. There’s the famous one of Tantalus being unable to sip water or bite into food that is almost in his reach. What I didn’t know is that he’s being punished for stealing the food of the gods and then serving his own son to the gods as food! The other one I found is about Erisychthon who pissed off Demeter by cutting down too many trees in her sacred garden. She made him so hungry that in the end, he ate himself…

[9] Being turned into a monster and being hunted are also common Greek mythology punishments that usually have to do with having too much hubris. Though I find New Moon’s version extra gruesome because she wants her fellow Hunters to chase her down and slay her repeatedly.

[10] Are you thinking what I’m thinking? More on this later.

Chapter Text

Chapter 24: Should Someone Tell Nicky That Greek Gods Exist, Or Would That Be Rude?[1][2]

(Andi)

Bianca, Grover, Zoë, Peter, and I were inside a luxury tour bus with the best boy band in the whole world, Westlife!!![3]

AaaaaahhhH!!!!!

I still couldn’t believe it. These hot snacks were the tastiest meat treats on the street!

First, there’s Nicky.

NNNNiiiiiccccckkkkyyyyyy

Dagnap, he is so cute![4]

Gah!

I want my babies to be like him!

XXX

Nicky is like a young Leo except Nicky isn’t crazy or Shakespearean and he’s got misty green eyes that change color, kinda like mine.[5] They can be a soft green, emerald green, bright blue, light grey, or even a dark fathomless brown if the mood is right. His blonde locks are silky, straight, boyish, and cool. His nose is tweaked a bit to the side probably from real football and his smile is crooked which gives him a mischievous look that says he is always up to something.[6]

Nicky is also sugar snap sweet and outgoing and earnest, and he’s got a really adorable shy side as well. He’s the smallest, a worrier, a good Catholic boy, and a huge romantic.[7] The stories about what he’ll do for his girl are so marry-me-now heart-warming, but that’s the problem. Nick is married and like happily married too. He deserves it so I’m not jealous. I’m like happy for him. Really. Soooo happy for him and his girlfriend who seems couthy by girl standards and I’m sure she works really hard to be worthy of him, so yeah.[8] I’m swell, super swell, never been sweller.

Nicky’s my second favorite anyway.

Next, there’s Mark, he’s the sensitive shy one with a witty sense of humor, angelic voice, and twilight-worthy good looks with a slim build, pale skin, dark hair swept up in a sexy style, stark angular eyebrows, Athena grey eyes, and the most beautiful lips, a full-on cupid’s bow with an extra pout. Those pink lips of his are almost too much for a man to pull off, but Mark makes it chef’s kiss perfect. He’s a lot of girls’ favorites, but I’m not like other girls. Plus, Mark likes boys and I like blondes so it was never going to work.

Sigh…

After that, there’s Shane.

…[9]

And last and best and single and my second ever crush and my most favorite singer in the whole world, he should just go for a solo act already, K-I-A-N! [10]

KIAN!

Too Hot! Too Sexy!

Take me all the way to XXX town![11]

My body is ready!

I! AM! YOURS!

All the other Westlife guys are boys. Kian is a bleeding MAN! I’d say a god, except Daddy might get jealous, but still, this man is the beefiest beefcake at the butcher.

Kian takes up the most SPACE. Not because he’s the tallest, that’s Mark. Or the widest, that’s Shane. Or the smallest, that’s Nicky.[12] Kian is just the rightest when it comes to stage presence and everything else.

He’s got American good looks, like a more rugged, more manly, more attractive, less smarmy Ryan Gosling with a square jaw cut from actual DIAMONDS![13]

Kian’s blonde hair is golder than the sun and his baby blue sapphire eyes are the color of mountain lakes and hypergiant stars. His smile could get a girl pregnant. It is that unreal.

And he’s so fit and his arms, Gah![14] Plus, that slightly tanned skin says he exercises like. All. The. Time!

Kian is also the eldest and most serious one. He’s passionate about the band and really cares about doing a good job, but he’s also a bit shy, pretty funny, a lot sexy, super fashionable and glamorous, down-to-earth, sexy, so sexy, a surfer, and just a total supernova![15] In fact, he’s such a sexy juicy fruity steam machine that I’m 98.2% sure he and Luke must be related somehow.[16] They are probably long-lost half-brothers or something.

With such double-stuffed man-muffins, I thought Zoë would throw a fit and reject my plan to catch a ride with these studs, even though I had already told Princess she could go home.[17] However, Zoë had taken one look at Kian and must have realized she too was a woman looking for a MAN because she said, “We may ride with them.”[18]

Aaaaah!!!

Zoë is the best! Westlife is the best! KIAN is the BEST! Roasted duck and pizza is the b~e~s~t![19]

That’s what we had for dinner with Westlife. And OMG, they are like so nice. I asked them everything I could think of as we ate together.[20]

Me and Westlife!!!

Gah!

Hours passed in a jiffy and now, Bianca and Grover were asleep. Zoë sat on the other side of the bus looking out the window. Mark and Shane were sitting upfront and I was sitting at the booth table with…

Nicky and Kian!

Blonde boys 4evar!

Let’s make it happen!!!

I was having so much fun and not drooling at all, when Nicky said, “I’ll be right back, lass. I just need to use the Jack.”

“Absol-posit-cutely!” I said, like a super-duper normal Norma.

“Take your time, mate,” Kian said. “Andi and I will be just fine.” He gave me a saucy wink.

I giggled and heated happily. Did I mention that Kian was my very favorite band member and the beoriest ride like EVER!?[21]

“Mura mbeinn pósta go sona sásta…” Nicky mumbled, grumpily.[22]

“But you are Nicky,” Kian said smugly, “And this sweet bloom needs tending. So, feck off, mucker.”[23]

Poor Nicky glowered at Kian, smiled at me, and then stomped off to the bathroom.

Before Kian and I could do more than exchange a playful look, Zoë slid into Nicky’s empty seat.

“Er…” Kian said, glancing at me.

I shrugged.

Zoë had seemed interested in Kian earlier and I was willing to share. As much as I WANTED Kian, he wasn’t Luke or a husband material type of guy. Kian had to be shared with the ~world~ so I told myself to be generous.

I let Zoë give Kian a long accessing look.

I could feel the sparks flying.

I really never would have thought Zoë would be a Westlife fan, but I guess not all her music tastes were horrible or maybe Kian was just universal, like peaches.

Either way, it was suddenly just the three of us. Grover and Bianca were still asleep. Shane and Mike were still upfront. And Nicky had just left.

“Story horse?” Kian said, trying to be friendly.

“I thought you swore an oath to cease this nonsense long ago,” Zoë said as her greeting. It was screwy, but maybe she was nervous. I know I was when I first saw Kian.

Luckily Kian is great with the ladies. He was perfectly convivial as he asked, “Cease what, lass?”

“Reincarnating into a mortal form,” she clarified murkily, “You and Lord Hermes got into so much trouble the last time.” She paused and then she said with needless emphasis, “Lord Apollo.”

Holy Moly…

I stared fretfully at Zoë. She was trying way too hard with her pick-up lines. I know Kian was a stunner and incredibly gifted and blonde with the most beautiful blue eyes I’d ever seen besides mine since Luke.

And Gods, Luke did have the best eyes, like ice, no, starlight, no, they were the sort of winter blue you see on a cold clear day where the sky looks like sunshine and summer, but when you get outside it turns out to be below freezing. Except Luke’s eyes didn’t make me feel hypothermic. They gave me the warm fuzzy wuzzies. Just thinking of his eyes now was making me all gooey inside.

Kian’s fine baritone broke through my thoughts. For some reason, he seemed confused, looking between me and Zoë as he said, “I don’t know what you’re…” But then he stopped talking as he took in Zoë’s very unsexy glare.

There was sharing and then there was watching a girl commit social suicide all over your celebrity crush. I had to help Kian and stop Zoë from ruining what was left of her dignity. “Uh, Zoë,” I began. I meant to explain the rules to the best icebreaker in existence.

But then Kian huffed, “Bollocks.” And Kian somehow got hotter, like white-hot. His eyes filled with sunshine and the rest of him glowed too and then he stopped. Except he didn’t stop. He was warmer and bigger too. I could just feel it.

“Why did you have to blow my cover, golden girl. Andi and I were having fun,” he said. His Irish accent was gone.

“I am not sorry, Lord Apollo,” Zoë said, stoutly.

Lord Apollo!?!

“Jinky jeepers!” I exclaimed in wonder.[24]

I gaped at Zoë and Kian in awe. Zoë looked sure of herself and Kian was even more god-like than usual. “Apollo?” I said to the sex god next to me, “is that really you? I never would have guessed!” I would have fangirled over Westlife less if I had. They were only worth 73% a Luke collectively.

Oh Gods, was this a test? Did Apollo now think I was unfaithful?

Would he tell Luke?!

Gah! Why didn’t anyone warn me Luke’s dad was here?[25]

“Indeed, it is, my flower,” Luke’s dad said to me,

“The one and only

Or rather one and many.

It is a long story.”

I tried to understand. Apollo, Luke’s dad, was here. Apollo was Kian. Oh deary, this was kooky. Kian was Apollo. My favorite singer in the world, the mountiest adult man I knew, the one I dreamed about before Luke, was Luke’s dad.[26] It made sense, but…

“Focus,” Zoë said sharply.

For a second or two, I thought she was talking to me, but she said it to Kian? Apollo? Apian?

Then she said piercingly, “You have played around enough, Lord Apollo. Tell us why you have come. Do you have news of Lady Artemis?”

“Nope,” Apian said, happily. “I directed myself over here to help with him,” he gestured at Peter who was still asleep on one of the tour bus bunkbeds.

Peter!

After everything that had happened with Westlife, I had almost forgotten about him! “You can help him!” I exclaimed, excitedly.

Apian nodded. “I’m not the god of healing and medicine for nothing.”

Hurrah!

“Thank you!” I smiled at him.

Apian blushed. “Ah well…it’s nothing but a bit of divine magic.”

Zoë scowled. “I cannot believe you have nothing to say about Lady Artemis.”

“Hey,” Apian said shortly, “If you wanted to gossip, you should have cornered Hermes instead. Now, let me out so I can deal with the wise guy.”

Zoë reluctantly moved out of Apian’s way as I asked sourly, “Wait, does that mean…”

There was a flushing sound and Nicky appeared from the bathroom. “Somebody said my name?”

I stared at Nicky’s new size, presence, and brightened green irises. My own irises narrowed and I said coldly, “Hermes.”

Hicky looked away from me, as he should.[27]

“Where’s Luke?” I asked icily.

Hicky didn’t say anything.

I was about to ask again, when Apian said, “As cool as it is to see my brother get roasted, I have a schedule to keep. Hermes, would you give me a hand,” Apian said annoyingly, gesturing to Peter.[28]

Hicky’s guilty gaze focused on Apian and he said suspiciously, “It’s already done. See you in the morning.”

Apian put a hand on my shoulder and said confusingly, “Don’t be too hard on him or yourself.”

I stopped glaring at Hermes to look up at Apian’s gold-flecked bright blue eyes. “How can I?”

Apollo gave my shoulder a squeeze. “I’ve been there, my flower. Just take it one day at a time. Alright?”

I nodded.

He gave me a smile. “Cool beans, I’ll see you later. And you,” He pointed at Zoë as he slowly backed away from us. “Stop being so…” he waved his hand around.

Zoë raised an eyebrow.

“You know…judgy. I’m doing my best with the cards I’ve been dealt. I want to find my sister too, but it’s not so easy for us Olympians to get involved. You know that.”

Zoë gave him a cool look. “Just save the boy already, Lord Apollo.”

Apian huffed, before throwing himself into Peter’s bunk bed. Then he curled up next to Peter and went nighty-night.

I frowned. How was that supposed to do anything?

“He’ll be healed in his sleep,” a disgraced Greek god inhabiting a good Catholic boy said suspiciously.

“Hm,” I responded, then I turned to Zoë. “So, you want to explain what just happened.”

Zoë glanced at Hicky. “Lord Hermes would do a better—”

“Lord Hermes can’t even do his job right,” I said, accurately.

Hicky hung his head.

“I’m much more interested in your explanation, Zoë,” I said, pleasantly.

Zoë smiled mischievously at me. “Thy candor is inspiring, Lady Andi.”

“I thank you,” I said, graciously before glancing over at Hicky to make sure he knew how to address me.

“Very well,” Zoë said, helpfully. “I will do my best to explain to thee before I too go to bed.”

I nodded. “Pray do so,” I insisted, kindly.

Zoë began, “Though it is rare these days, the Greek gods have the power to reincarnate. It’s different than just taking a mortal form. They inject their soul into a mother’s womb and…”

I tried to pay attention to Zoë’s lecture. I really did, but it was longer and more boring than I expected. Basically, Kian was Apollo and wasn’t Apollo. Most of the time, he didn’t even know he was a Greek god, but Apollo could inhabit him when he wanted to and when Kian died his soul would reenter Apollo.

I was pleased as peach punch for confirmation that Kian was the mellifluent avatar for an immortal music god. My soul had always known he was a divine prophet of pop, but poor Nicky. Hermes was truly fiendish to bar Nicky, who was Catholic, from Abraham’s sweet bosom.[29]

I sent Hicky an extra mean glare as Zoë continued droning on, “It is normally considered to be a punishment or a sacred ritual, but Lord Apollo and Lord Hermes are known to do it for fun.[30] Though, I have not seen one of their reincarnations in several years since they had sworn not to engage in such games countless moons ago. Fool that I am, I thought that meant their word was true. Now I see that they have simply taken their tomfoolery overseas.”

Zoë sighed. “Lady Artemis will not be pleased. She has not forgiven Apollo since he won that bet and she… but that is not a story I should tell,” she concluded.[31]

I blinked. “Pardon?” Was she done at long last?

“Goodnight, Lady Andi,” Zoë said, sleepily.

“GN Zoë,” I replied, glad that her TMID time was over.[32]

I stopped being relieved when I realized Zoë had left me and Hicky alone. I got up. “I think I’ll go talk to Mark and Shane.” They weren’t my favorites, but Mark was way better than Hicky or angry nightmares. “BBN.”[33]

“Lady Andi,” Hicky said pathetically, “Wait.”

I paused, but only because Hicky was kneeling at my feet and blocking my way.

“I am so so so sorry,” he said, unconvincingly. “Please, I just want things to go back to how they were.[34] I can’t stand to have you hate me anymore.”

I glared down at him. “Well, I do,” I declared, truthfully. I was able to keep my cool when Daddy brought Hermes up, but seeing my brother’s sneaky face again after this summer, even as Hicky, made my blood boil and pop.[35]

The god began to cry. “I’m sorry,” he said, repetitively, “if I could tell you where Luke was, I would have done so it ages ago.”

My mouth was a dot.[36] I knew he knew something worth knewing![37]

“Please,” he took my hand. “Pretty please with a maraschino cherry on top, a chocolate banana on the bottom, and a peach strawberry sundae in the middle.[38] Forgive me…My Fair Lady Andi. I beg you.”

He was sobbing now.

I sighed. Apollo had told me not to be too hard on him and I was a lady now. Plus, it was so nutty seeing Nicky cry. I was coolly livid at Hermes, not Nicky. Nicky was a mischievous and surprisingly sweet boy.[39] “OK Hermes,” I said, dully. “Stop crying with Nicky’s face.”

Hicky sniffled. “Does that mean you forgive me?”

“No,” I said, fairly, “but forcing a paragon like Nicky to cry for your own selfish desires is unfair and selfish.”

“Oh.”

“So, I’m actually a bit madder than before,” I said convincingly.

“What?” he cried, worriedly. The god gripped my hand tightly. “No, please!” His lip trembled and his eyes went shiny, but he didn’t cry.

I shook my head. He was doing this all out of order. Few men were good at crying, but this was sad and not because of the tears. “You say you’re sorry,” I said, matter-of-factly, “but you have no idea how much you’ve hurt me. Losing Luke is the great tragedy of my life right now and to know you’re holding out on me…”

“I’m not holding out,” Hicky said quickly.

“For realises?” I demanded, intensely.

“For shizzle,” he confirmed, earnestly. “I’ve told you all I can, my nizzle.”

“But not all you know,” I said, discerningly.

Hicky hung his head again.

“What exactly did you tell Luke last summer before we left on our quest?” I asked with intense burning passion.[40] “Where is he? Is he dead? Is he injured? Is he lonely? Does he need a hug? Does he miss me or…” I faltered, “is he mad at me?” Please anything but that.

But Hicky didn’t respond.

I slammed my fist on the booth table.[41] “You’re useless!”

“I’m sorry,” Hicky repeated, uselessly.

Tears welled up in my own azure orbs. “Why did you even bother to come if you were going to do this to me? Again!?”

“I—”

“Shut Up Hermes!” I shouted.[42]

Hermes closed his mouth.

“Luke is missing and for whatever reason, you’re not helping. Since you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. So, explain to me how in the H-E-double hockey sticks am I supposed to forgive you!” I snapped, reasonably.

“I don’t know! I just…I don’t wanna be enemies,” he said, pitifully. “Please, Andi, Andromeda, I…I love you.”

I rolled my eyes. “Not enough apparently.” [43]

Then, I closed my eyes, angrily. Luke was lost. Nico was in the underworld and Peter was in a beauty sleep.[44] They were the only boys I knew who didn’t spend most of their time apologizing and confessing their love to me. Nico and Luke knew how to apologize of course and Peter…

Peter!

That’s it!

I got an idea.

An awesome idea.

I had a wonderous, awesome idea.[45]

I knew just what to do. I cut off Hicky’s whimpering and said, “Favors.”

“Flavors?” he asked, confusedly, “I like fried chicken with honey milk, but I don’t see—”[46]

“Shush!” I commanded.

The god shushed.

“I’d be willing to forgive you,” I began.

Hicky’s face brightened.

“But it’ll cost ya,” I promised, merrily.

“Anything within my power,” he promised, foolishly.

“Goody,” I said with a smile to my soul.[47] As smart, and as slick, and as quick as can be, I added, “Let’s sit down and hash out my very special fee.”[48]

Footnotes

[1] Nicky is Catholic.

[2] I call this chapter: Andi Fangirls A Lot. Be warned this is a LOUD chapter. Andi hasn’t been this excited since she met Luke for the first time.

[3] Westlife is a really popular band in Europe in the early 2000’s. I’m an American so I missed the craze, but apparently, they were signed on by American Idol’s Simon Cowell, so that meant something to me. Also, personal opinion here, none of them are more than like an 8/10 and that’s me being generous.

[4] I assume she means Dagnabbit which is a softer way of saying Damn it.

[5] I assume she’s referencing Romeo + Juliet which starred a young Leonardo DiCaprio. And yes, Andi’s eyes and hair do change color. Thus far in the series, her eyes have changed from shades of blue to a storm gray and her hair varies from dirty blonde to honey to straight up platinum blonde.

[6] Real football aka what us Americans call soccer.

[7] So, I looked it up (for you my fans), Nicky…(No, I’m pulling a Peter. I’m not calling a random adult man that.) Nicolas is actually taller than both Shane and Kian. This is one of many inconsistencies in Andi’s descriptions.

[8] Andi should say wife, but perhaps she can’t bring herself too.

[9] No, I did not delete Shane’s paragraph. This is legit all Andi had to say about him. The reason I added a footnote is because I felt bad for him. Shane’s one of the lead singers you know and he looks passably cute, in a boy-next-door kind of way.

[10] Actually, Kian isn’t single and should be married by the time of this fic.

[11] Yeah…um…let’s just call it sexy.

[12] Again. No, he’s not.

[13] I just thought I should mention that Ryan Gosling is Canadian.

[14] Fit is also a term meaning attractive in the UK, I think.

[15] Supernova because he’s so hot? Or maybe because he’s a superstar.

[16] Fruity and juicy are both words that can mean sexy.

[17] I believe the term Andi is looking for is stud-muffin.

[18] Yeah, I have doubts.

[19] It looks like Bianca’s and Zoë’s fowl hunting was successful.

[20] For your sanity, (You thought I forgot about it, didn’t you?) I cut this portion which repeats questions found on these links (just add https://):

westlifefancite.blogspot.com/p/kian-egan_29.html?m=1

fitriamonicafilan.blogspot.com/p/kian-egan.html?m=1

westlifefancite.blogspot.com/p/mark-feehily.html?m=1

fitriamonicafilan.blogspot.com/p/mark-feehily.html?m=1

westlifefancite.blogspot.com/p/nicky-byrne.html?m=1

fitriamonicafilan.blogspot.com/p/nicky-byrne.html?m=0

[21] Beor and Ride are Irish slang for a very attractive individual.

[22] Nicolas is speaking in Irish aka Gaelic. According to google translate, he’s saying: If I wasn’t happily married…

[23] Mucker means friend and is a term for a low laborer who removes muck in Ireland and England. Also, again, Kian is still married.

[24] Zoinks! A Scooby-Doo reference! Velma says jinkies. Daphne says jeepers and Shaggy says zoinks.

[25] They did…I actually like how well foreshadowed this is. Even ignoring Zoë’s actions, there’s Andi’s description of Kian and the fact that Kian says a haiku to Nicolas before he leaves for the bathroom. So, I must conclude that Andi’s shock is due to her ADHD which seems to have acted up again.

[26] How very Greek of you, Andi. Also, mount is another Irish word that means really attractive person.

[27] Is Andi’s nickname for Nicolas/Hermes an insult or coincidence? The world may never know.

[28] Hermes is not just the god of thieves and travelers. According to Wikipedia, he is a Psychopomp (a person who brings souls to the underworld) and the divine messenger as well as a god of boundaries, roads, athletes, shepherds, commerce, speed, cunning, wit and…sleep. So yeah, this guy gets around.

[29] As you might have guessed Abraham’s bosom is another name for Heaven.

[30] As this fic takes place well before Trials of Apollo, I must assume this is a reference to the myths about Apollo getting turned into a human. Yes, that is a thing. It happened not once, but twice. And the second time, Poseidon was pulled into the hijinks. That’s what you get for trying to overthrow Zeus, I guess. Suddenly the Trials of Apollo makes a lot more sense. However, the way Zoë and Andi describe this reincarnation method seems different than how it works in the myths (and Trials of Apollo).

[31] I disagree, but we’ll talk about this later.

[32] GN means both Goodnight and Get Naked. My best guess for TMID is either Too Much Info Dumping or Too Much Information Dude, but who knows?

[33] BBN is Bye Bye Now or possibly Be Back Never.

[34] Hermes and Andi met in the Sea of Monsters fic.

[35] It should also be noted that in the Sea of Monster fic, Hermes had a different and much younger appearance. He looked like and I quote: “a super-fly 14-year-old Harry Potter without the scar and nerdy glasses and with winged shoes and hat instead of a broom and a golden staff with the doctor symbol instead of a wand.” This more closely matches Hermes’s depictions in Greek mythology, but I have a feeling that’s not why Alpha R did it.

[36] As opposed to a thin line?

[37] I knew, but it was too weird not to keep.

[38] Uh…so in the Sea of Monsters fic, Hermes had this way of talking like the people he speaks to. I must assume the intended purpose is that he can easily speak many languages. However, this mostly means that Hermes is fluent in the strange everchanging dialect of Andi English.

[39] Not unlike Hermes’s Greek mythology self.

[40] Instead of supplying special items in the Sea of Monsters fic, Hermes helped Andi convince Luke to go on the quest. The wily god whispered some secret message into Luke’s ear. When asked about it later, all Hermes would say on the matter is that: he told Luke what the heartbroken half-blood wanted to hear.

[41] I guess she’s still standing near the booth table.

[42] I too wonder why no one else is hearing this loud discussion. My best guess is that either Hermes is using his god of messages powers to ensure no one can hear them or Andi is using her air powers to muffle sound outside of their bubble. However, I also like the image of everyone (except Peter and Apollo) overhearing all this and being too scared to intervene.

[43] Just another day in the life for our Sue, but Damn, she cold.

[44] As in sleeping beauty?

[45] Perhaps a grinch reference to wonderful awful ideas?

[46] Hermes apparently likes honey, milk, and roosters (among other things) as sacrifices, though there’s no evidence of them needing to be sacrificed together.

[47] Yes, I am almost positive the last one was a grinch reference because this is also a grinch reference to the Grinch giving “a smile to his soul” which in my mind means that Andi is giving Hermes a very grinchy grin right now.

[48] This also seems to be a Grinch reference to “That old Grinch was so smart and so slick, that he thought up a lie and he thought it up quick”. Also, wow! This blows our previous footnote record out of the water as it were. Merry Christmas and/or Happy Holidays?

Chapter Text

Chapter 25: The God of the Sun Gets Under New Moon’s Skin[1]

(Peter)[2]

I sat on the dark stone edge of the Hawaiian hot spring, looking out at Thalia and Annabeth in the heated water. I had been looking at them for hours, perhaps days. As the end neared, time became less and less relevant to me. Perhaps I too was finally stilling. I did not care. All I knew was that I had yet to grow hungry and my thirst was met by siphoning off the steam from the air.

Had I my way I would never leave this place again for gazing upon Annabeth left me more sated than any meal. As always, she lay in Thalia’s arms, limp from the exertion of their rough games. Her skin was forever flushed. Her chest was frozen in mid-rise. Her long tresses ever damp framed her lovely sharp face. Even in the heavy mist and ever-present darkness, I could make out that small, self-deprecating smile.

It looked like at any moment, she would say something sardonic, presumably comical, and wholly herself. I lived for that fantasy. I lived for her.

“Annabeth,” the word escaped me. It was rough and ugly, like myself. I had failed her.

I closed my eyes. The peace I had been so careful to construct since I had gotten back here was crumbling like sand between my fingers. I wanted to reach out and touch her. I wanted to talk to her. I did not want this to end. I—

“Well, hello there,” an all too familiar voice said, followed by the sound of movement.

It could not be. Sounding far too sanguine, I once more said, “Annabeth?”

Her voice responded. “I am so glad I reached you in time. I think you’re exactly who I have been looking for. My memories tell me that you are,” she said. “But what are you doing? Open your eyes. Look at me, Miss Darkness.”[3]

I did not dare. This was truly impossible. She was speaking nonsense and I was thinking nonsense too. It seemed that the harbor of madness had finally reached my sunken ship.

There were more sloshing noises and a great sucking sound as a presence plopped down next to me. “Wow,” she said dryly, “that was an experience.”

I smiled, but it hurt. Tears were already streaming down my face. I felt like a child.

She sighed. Annabeth had never been a proponent of gratuitous displays of emotions, but I could not stop.

I heard her get up. Then she touched me. I felt the warmth of her hand on my wrist. The feeling spread through me like I had somehow jumped wrist-first into the hottest of springs.

“Stand up,” she said, pulling me.

I obeyed.

She turned me around and gave me a tight hug. This was nothing like Hestia’s motherly embrace. This was sweeter and far more torturous. I thought I would die from the contact and yet I never wanted it to stop.

Then she spoke again. “For me,” she murmured, “it’s been no time at all, but I know for you, it’s been an eternity. I’m sorry.”

I shuddered at her kindness. It was too much. “The fault is mine,” I said for I could not let this go on.

She was so close. I could feel her smile. “I’ll forgive you…” she promised. Her honeyed words tickled my ear and sent shivers of sensation down my entire being, “if…you open your eyes.”

She then stepped away.

My arms went up automatically, but she was either too quick or had never been real to begin with.

I swallowed. My life had been worse than a divine punishment as of late, but this was the hardest labor I had been asked to do. My hope was being reawakened against my will. After I had mostly made my peace with the cold empty reality of the end of times, this was the first touch of heat after living in a blizzard, the first sip of water after days of the desert. It reminded me how much I had suffered and gave nothing but pain and this longing for more. In a twisted way, I wanted to cling to my dark despair for if I gave in to this new desire, if I opened my eyes and found that she was not really there and that I had truly gone insane, then I knew I could not go on, even like this. The disappointment would be unbearable and I would betray the last of my dwindling principles and seek a release from this Tartarean existence.

“Come on, Bright Eyes,” she coaxed.[4] “Trust me.”

She was so close, a hair's breadth out of my reach.

Damnation upon my sanity and good sense! She was worth all of it and more. This, this voice, this person was Annabeth. I knew it!

That was what I told myself to believe as I slowly forced my eyes to open. My eyelashes fluttered and the hot spring’s splendor returned to my sight, but I could barely see it through my tears. I let out a sob and then another.

She was there!

No longer in Thalia’s arms, Annabeth stood before me wearing the same type of robe I had on. Her hood was down, so I was able to take in her sublime features. My eyes roved over her face eager to recapture every nuance of her living breathing presence. Her hair mussed from the hood, her proud chin lifted slightly, her lips in a mock stern line, her eyebrows quirked up, and of course her ever keen eyes, even in this dull forgotten landscape, they gleamed silver with pleasure.

“How is this possible?” I breathed, filled with wonder and fear. My cursed mind was more divided than ever. This proof of her seemed only to upset it further. It whispered that I could still be mad, or simply asleep. This could be the fevered dream of an otherwise hopeless girl.

I prayed to Hestia and any other being that could hear me that this vision was not some lie my desperation had conjured up. I needed this to be true the way I needed air.

As if in response to my heavenly pleas, Annabeth smiled at me and it was brighter and more glorious than a million stars. “It’s a long story,” she said. Her voice was cool, but I could hear the underlying excitement as she reached out her hand to me.

I took it and let the searing impossible warmth fill me again.

I was touching Annabeth’s hand. She was alive and talking and seemed full of promise and life! She told me, “It begins with a ti—”

But then she froze.

No.

The entire world seemed to pulse with energy and light as a deep male voice said from behind me, “Alright folks, show’s over.”

No. No.

I turned towards the unwelcomed voice and saw Thalia. Her form was bathed in actual starlight, from the newly reconstituted heavens above us. Confusion filled me. I glanced back at Annabeth. She remained motionless.

NO!

“What Have You Done!” I roared at Thalia. She was not meant to be awake. This was not how it was supposed to be.

Thalia just gave me a self-satisfied smirk and said in a voice that was not her own, “I think it’s kind of obvious what happened.”

I shook my head, my new emotions mixing with the old ones that still felt as fresh as wailing newborns. This was supposed to be the most important moment in my life. The point where everything changed. Where a miracle occurred and my Starlight showed me the light.

I had nearly gotten there. I had relived this horrid damnation of a year to let him see it, to let him understand.

“I also think it’s time you let go of Peter. He’s been in this dark and dreary world for, like, 12 hours.

There are those who say:

Patience is a true virtue

I say: No. Thank. You.”

My agony and dismay darkened into a cold fury as I recognized and greeted the author of this and many other tragedies, my least favorite Olympian, “Phoebus.”[5]

Genetor leered at me with Thalia’s mouth and eyes.[6] “I see my reputation proceeds me.”

“You could say that,” I said flatly, my anger too deep to show.

“What’s the matter?” he asked jeeringly. “Are you just Team Artemis? Or did I corrupt your sister or something?”

I let out a sound that might be called a laugh or shout of pure pain. Iatromantis had no idea.[7] Of course, he did not. These days, very few understood me. He was supposed to. He would have if Leschenorius had not interrupted.[8]

“That bad, huh?” he said, before proceeding to purr his next words, giving Thalia’s eyes a hooded countenance, “Maybe if you took off that cowl and showed me a bit more than those lovely eyes of yours, I’d remember who you were. We could pick up where we left off, I’m sure. How does that sound, Miss Femme Fatale?”

How does that sound! How dare he! “I am a virgin,” I growled. “I have not and will not ever sully myself with your seed. Do not insult me thus!”

Pornopion let out a histrionic sigh.[9] “Okay. I get it. You’re one of those Hunters. I should have guessed. Fine, I’ll cut the banter short and keep it simple. Let Peter go. He and I are due for a man-to-man talk, so do as I say and nobody has to get hurt.”

I raised my eyebrows. “Lyceus, you vastly misjudge the situation.”[10] He had already hurt both of us more than he could ever know.

“I’m not the one draped in shadows, Cult Lass,” he said, misunderstanding me.

“At least, I came as myself,” I pointed out. I was sure he would consider a man-to-man talk awkward, perhaps even embarrassing, in his current state.

“What do you…” Thearius began dumbly before he looked down at Thalia’s body.[11] “What!” he cried, snickering. “Hermes! That absolute troll!” He shook Thalia’s head as his mirth increased.[12] “And you let me proposition you and everything…Wow!

This.

Is.

Hilarious!”

With that, Erythibius’s joyous howls of laughter began to fill this place that was laden with so much sorrow and meaning for me.[13] My hands and teeth had already been clenched, but now I was tightening them enough to break skin.

Of course, it would be Clerius who appeared to thwart me.[14] He who was the instrument of my primordial misfortune would laugh in the face of my greatest hardship.

No more.

My own patience had run dry.

“Get out of my memory, Theoxenius,” I said, summoning my Hunter’s bow to my hands.[15] Perhaps it was too late to fix this, but I had to try.

Agyieus stopped laughing.[16] “Whoa there,” he said, “You don’t wanna do that. Despite my current circumstances, I’m still a God and not a person you want as an enemy, Lego-lass.”

“You are my enemy,” I proclaimed with as much venom as I could muster. Some things did not change. “And in this place,” my place, “you have no more power than I do.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Patroeus boasted before clapping Thalia’s hands together.[17] Lightning crackled between her fingers. As he used the light to shape a bow of his own, he said, “Never underestimate the power of imag—Ow!”

I smirked. My first arrow had hit him square in Thalia’s shoulder. I told him, “You talk too much.”

Latoeus and I battled through the newly minted night.[18] Had he his way, we would have stayed in the hot springs to have our bout, but that was not my chosen arena. The first chance I had, I left the heated pool and darted into the lush foliage of the Hawaiian jungle.

Nomius, unused to both Thalia’s body and the heavy timeless atmosphere, was slow to follow.[19] It gave me the opportunity to do what I did best: Traps.

I set them up all across the jungle. Then I found a good vantage point on top of one of the Eucalyptus trees and waited.

Smintheus did not disappoint.[20] His cries could be heard in the night air, as clear as a nightingale. I cast shots into the dark mist for an encore. Hecatus would shoot back, but I remained one step ahead of his arrow.[21]

“Face me, Coward!” Aphetor bellowed after this happened a few times.[22]

“Find me first, Proupsius!” I shouted back.[23]

He shot at my voice, thinking I was fool enough to give away my location. Of course, I had thrown my voice to confuse him, so while he turned to make the pointless shot, my arrow found his thigh.

“Argh!” he yelped, turning to shoot again. His arrow of lightning crackled through the jungle, but it did not reach me.

In the beginning, none of his shots came close. On this night, I had, for once, the advantage over a god.

But now that I was removed from my past, I felt the passage of time elsewhere. Agraeus grew used to the environment, Thalia’s body, and even started to avoid my traps.[24] Because of his immortality, I could not kill him. Even when he was covered in arrows, spikes, bee stings, goo, thistles and had a bear trap clamped to one leg, he continued on.

It was not a pretty sight to see my old friend so mangled and bloody, but Ulius’s godly presence refused to let Thalia’s body rest.[25] And save for the arrows I shot into Thalia’s eyes, he let the injuries build, moving as relentlessly as a fearsome monster either to intimidate me or because he realized stopping to remove the implements in her took too much time and left him open for further attacks.

It had been ages since I faced such a formidable foe and longer still since I felt any personal vendetta towards my opponent. Another time, I might have taken some pleasure in the encounter, but I was too fraught with rage and disappointment. The likelihood of him witnessing the end of my tale on this night dwindled with every passing moment. I wish I could just tell him, but he would not be able to understand. Words were useless. He needed to be shown.

Yet no matter how much harm I did to Acesius, I could not get him to leave.[26] I had never seen him so stalwart. His celestial endurance simply outshined my own enhanced abilities. For though I was an immortal hunter with countless years of experience, death in battle was still a reality for me. Hence, when he, at last, hit my shoulder with one of his lightning arrows, I saw it as a harbinger to my defeat. Worse, I realized this battle was more a matter of pride than I originally thought.

It was unacceptable.

I knew better than most that this type of hubris could doom a world. I could not let it be so, not again. I would not have him think I was like the others. My temper had been peaked, but I was not one who was endlessly driven by selfish desires or a superfluous personal code. I had one aim, his aim: to save Annabeth and create a world where my Starlight could shine.

With that in mind, I made my choice. I did away with my inflated self-importance and extinguished my senseless fury. Then I entered a clearing and called out into the dying night, “I yield. Forgive me, Didymaeus.[27] I have been most foolhardy.”

Hecebolus’s lightning arrow struck sure and true into my thigh like the roughest of knives.[28][29]

I gasped.

“I’ll forgive you when you go through half the pain I have tonight,” Decatephorus snarled, not understanding that I had suffered far worse than any physical torment he could arrange.[30]

“Please,” I made myself plead, “I only wished—” I grunted in pain. He had shot my calf and my arm.

“I don’t care about your wishes,” Pythius snapped.[31] “I am so past being nice right now. I have goo in my nose, Cult Lass.

Goo.

In.

My.

NOSE! ”[32]

He fired two more shots into my back.

“You do not. Understand,” I spoke pausing each time he hit me to wince and gasp in pain. “You are ever. Celebrated. You have. Never been. Abandoned. Or—!”

I screamed in agony.

“Bull’s eye,” Delphinius whooped.[33] “You still want to play this game?” I could hear him load up more arrows.

“I will. Do. Any. Thing. To see. Her. Dream. Come true,” I told him through gritted teeth and another splattering of arrows.

“Yeah,” Spodius said coolly, “We’ll see about that.”[34] He was close now.

I turned and faced the god.

Paean’s light blazed from Thalia’s body, finally erasing the ravages of our battle and causing Thalia’s eyes to shine as brightly as a new star. [35]

I knew what was to come before it happened. Too much time had gone past. With the morning upon us in his world, Phanaeus’s powers were seeping into this one.[36] It was, of course, the way things were. As arrow after arrow pierced my skin driving themselves deep through my muscles and cracking my bones, I knew that this was right. I could only hope that my surrender, however meaningless for this battle, would do something for the war, for her, and for him. For though I had not the power to change this story any more than I had the power to stop the rising of the sun, he could do that and more.

He would save her. Of that, I must comfort myself. I must believe that she mattered more than I ever would.

“Come on, Cult Lass,” Prostaterius said standing over me.[37]

At some point, I had fallen. The blood loss and shattered bones had been too much for me. Thus, as I lay on my stomach, I was barely able to tilt my head up to look at the god. Him in a fraction of his glory was nearly too much for my one remaining eye to behold, like staring into the light of a thousand suns with their heat beating down upon me. His face was incomprehensible, but the god’s voice was all too human as he purred menacingly,

“I’ve had a long night.

I’m done with all this foreplay.

Let’s take those clothes off.”[38]

I tried to escape, to force my torn muscles and fragmented bones into action, to drag myself to safety, but I had only managed the slightest twitch when an obscene number of Argyrotoxus’s true silver arrows drove themselves into me, pinning down my entire body.[39]

I shrieked.

Not even the sky could compare to this torture. These arrows had none of the vestiges of Thalia’s measly lightning bolts. Shot from the bow of Phosphorus, the arrows were pure light, pure energy, filling me with the fiery potency of all the diseases and ill-health mankind had and would be forced to endure.[40]

As I felt myself die a manifold of deaths, above me, Ismenius chuckled darkly, joyously.[41] [42] Once again, he was mocking my suffering, and as was too often the case, I could not stop him. I could only watch as he leered down at me and bend forward to remove my hood.[43]

Footnotes

[1] This, like many titles in this fic, has a double meaning. There are probably trigger warnings up above, but just in case, be warned, some of the imagery in this chapter is…unsettling, a bit graphic, and somewhat sexual. We keep things PG-13 here, so nothing R happens on screen. Still, Apollo really lives up to his Grecian reputation in this chapter and I thought a caveat was a good idea.

[2] I’m sure this will be true at some point. For now, enjoy more New Moon.

[3] This is probably referring to the fact New Moon has her hood on.

[4] I find this particular nickname interesting because this is a common epithet for Athena.

[5] It’s epithet time again. Sigh… Alright! Phoebus means bright and is Apollo’s most commonly used epithet.

[6] Genetor means ancestor. So basically, she’s calling Apollo an old man.

[7] Iatromantis means physician and prophet, so a supposedly learned or wise person.

[8] Leschenorius means converser or a talker.

[9] Pornopion means of the locusts, a bug associated with plague. It also sounds like porn. I do not think this is a coincidence. Also, histrionic means melodramatic.

[10] Lyceus means light and it also refers to Artemis’s and Apollo’s mom, Leto.

[11] Thearius means of the oracle.

[12] This is another thing that makes this fic’s Hermes different from PJO Hermes. This version of Hermes (Perhaps because he presents himself as younger) is a trickster.

[13] Erythibius means of mildew

[14] Clerius means distributing by lot.

[15] Theoxenius means God of foreigners.

[16] Agyieus means street and refers to Apollo being a protector of roads and homes.

[17] Patroeus means of the fathers or ancestral. This is probably in reference to Zeus. It also sounds similar to Harry Potter’s Patronus which is also about summoning things made of light. Though that might just be a coincidence.

[18] Latoeus means son of Leto.

[19] Nomius means pastoral. So, in my head, that means farms filled with slow dumb herd animals.

[20] Smintheus means of mice.

[21] Hecatus means shooter from afar.

[22] Aphetor means to let loose as in letting an arrow loose i.e. shooting it.

[23] Proupsius means foreseeing.

[24] Agraeus means of the hunt or hunter.

[25] Ulius means of sound health.

[26] Acesius means healer.

[27] Didymaeus means twin as in Artemis’s twin. I think this is the nicest thing New Moon has said to him thus far.

[28] Hecebolus means far-shooting.

[29] Here we go, prepare for edge.

[30] Decatephorus means bringer of tithes.

[31] Pythius means of the Python.

[32] I did not understand why after being kebabbed with arrows and spikes Apollo was so upset about the goo, but then I realized you can’t “heal” goo the same way you can heal flesh wounds. So, that’s my hypothesis.

[33] Delphinius means of the dolphin. This one confused me until I looked dolphins up. Did you know that they kill things for fun, not just food? They are responsible for so many dead porpoises and one article I read said dolphins have been known to kill other dolphin’s babies. Still not as bad as humans, but yikes!

[34] Spodius means of the altar or of the ashes.

[35] Paean means healer.

[36] Phanaeus means giving or bringing light.

[37] Prostaterius means Standing Before (the Entrance).

[38] Yeah, this haiku, this is what I was talking about. It’s disturbing and distinctly not okay. However, stick with me friends. We’ll get through this edgy ride together.

[39] This is a weird one. Argyrotoxus means with silver bow, but both you and I are thinking: Doesn’t Apollo use a golden bow and arrows? According to the PJO wiki, Apollo has a golden bow and arrows, but according to Greek mythology, Apollo’s bow and arrows are sometimes golden and sometimes silver. According to Wikipedia, Apollo’s bow is most commonly gold and his arrows are most commonly silver. Eros is actually the one who consistently has golden arrows. One interesting alternative reading, I found was that Apollo’s bow is silver, but his blessing turned it gold. However, this came from the Eternal Return Wiki which is about some strategy survival battle royale game so that is hardly a reputable source for this sort of thing.

[40] Phosphorus (Element 15 on the periodic table) means light-bringing or a torch-bearer. It’s actually an epithet for several gods and goddesses, including Hecate and Artemis (but not Apollo?). However, here I assume New Moon is referring to Hephaestus since he made Artemis’s and Apollo’s bows, but I suppose New Moon could also be referring to Artemis. As for Apollo’s arrows themselves, in PJO and in Greek Mythology, they are indeed known to cause disease.

[41] Ismenius means of Ismenus. Ismenus was killed via poison arrow by Apollo after Ismenus’s mother claimed her children were better than Leto’s kids i.e. Apollo and Artemis. Yeah, this is one of those classic Greek mistakes. Apollo killed the male children and Artemis killed the female children of that family.

[42] And with that, we are once again done with epithet time.

Phew.

I sincerely think it’s interesting to look up what all these Greek epithets mean. I certainly learned more than a few things, but man, it sure does take a while. I hope you enjoyed the vocabulary lesson!

[43] So that got dark…not since Lore Olympus, have I been this afraid of Apollo.

Chapter Text

Chapter 26: I Teach Zoë The True Meaning Of Maidenhood [1]

(Andi)

Our tour bus finally stopped when we reached YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK in Wyoming. I didn’t know YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK was in Wyoming. I didn’t even know there was a Wyoming. I always thought it was a made-up state name, like South Virginia or Arkansas but here we were in the home of Jogi Bear and Old Faithful.[2]

Westlife was popped to be here or at least Mark and Shane were.[3] Apian had slept in with Peter and Hicky was flat-faced, but I was enjoying the chirpy day.[4] The sun was shining down on the forest trees and green grass as I stood in front of the famous geyser.[5] I could not wait to see it go off again. Years ago, I had come here under very different circumstances and seeing the geyser and hearing how reliable it was unlike everyone and everything else I’d ever met, had been a welcomed hug.

Even if I wanted to forget what happened before I saw Old Faithful for the first time, I was glad to return here. Mark and Shane wanted to go to a viewing area up the road, but I’d been there and done that so I opted to stay with Zoë, Grover, Bianca, and Hicky.

I looked on with awe as the ground shook and rumbled to finally release a gush of water and heat. A rainbow shined through the water as it came back down and I smiled. It was even more majestic than I remembered, but then, I frowned.

I had wanted to show Luke this place. We had talked about it, months ago. And Peter, he should be here viewing this view too. Nico might have liked to see this too.

I missed my friends, especially Luke. I wondered what he would say if he was with me now. Probably something super fruity and sagely like—

“Lady Andi, are you a virgin?”[6]

“What the what!” I squawked out in shock as I whirled around to gape at Zoë.

Had she really just said that?

Zoë looked uncomfortable. “I do not mean to pry.”

“Then don’t!” I snapped offendedly. “What sort of question is that? Are you a virgin, Zoë?”

Zoë’s rosy cheeks turned red. “I…well…”

I eyed her hard.

“She’s not prying, Ann-dye,” Bianca lied, before turning to her banana kiwis leader and saying, “Zoë, Ann-dye obviously hasn’t been listening.”[7]

“My name, Bianca, is Andi, Lady Andi,” I said impatiently.[8] “And what does listening have to do with anything? What possible reason could there be to ask a girl if she’s a virgin?”

Beside me, Grover perked up. “I could thi—”

“Shush it, Grover,” I said, automatically, still glaring at the Hunters.

“Lady Andi,” Zoë began, apologetically. “Allow me to start from the beginning.”

She wanted me to do more listening?

Uh-uh. No way. Not today. Zoë’s exposition skills needed help with a capital H and I was not pink enough to give her a crash course right now. I looked for an alternative. Grover was Grover. Bianca was worse and Apian wasn’t here.

I turned to Hicky and pointed at him. “You,” I commanded, reasonably. “Explain.”

“Westlife is going to Seattle after this, so we can’t take you to SF,” Hicky explained. “Luckily, all five Ceryneian Hinds are in this forest right now and they are super-duper fast and would make a great ride.”

“Uh-huh,” I said, following.

“Since Artemis is MIA, the easiest way to catch them according to Zoë is unicorn style, i.e., we need a virgin maiden as bait.”

I looked over to the rest of the group. They were nodding.

“Yeah. Sure. I can dig all that,” I said, understandably, “but why did you ask me to do the deed when we have two Hunters on our team?”

“Regretfully, Lady Andi, I am not…” Zoë started, but her words became too soft to hear.

“You’re not…?” I prompted.

“…” Zoë murmured.

I frowned. Not even Nico could have heard that. “Can you give me an answer above a whisper?” I asked, precisely.

Zoë could not. I reluctantly turned to Nico’s sister. “What about you, Bianca?”

Bianca loured at me and said vaguely, “I might look like I’m 12, but I spent over 60 years in the Lotus Hotel.”[9]

“Bianca…” I said patiently, “that answer was off-topic. You should listen to the question before answering, okay? I’ll rephrase—”

Bianca blushed at her mistake, but like a bad student she spoke before I could rephrase my question in simpler terms, saying rudely, “It wasn’t off-topic, you blonde bimbo. I was being subtle.”

“Bianca,” I said, very patiently, “Insulting people and lying is no way to—”

“I’m not lying, ANN-DYE!”

“It’s Andi, Bianca,” I reminded her. One day she would see the light that was my name.

Bianca kept talking. Her voice was loud and fast. “I was at the Lotus Hotel for like a lifetime. I got bored, alright? So, I joined a fertility club. I lost my virginity decades ago. Same for Zoë. So, there!” [10]

I stared at her. Bianca, I could understand, but “Zoë joined a sex cult!”

Around us, a few heads turned and Zoë emitted a strangled sound.

“No!” Bianca cried out. “Gods, no. Ann-dye, get a freaking clue.”

“I might if you were giving some out. I prefer blue,” I said helpfully.[11]

Bianca offered me a scarlet clue instead.[12] She said clue-givingly, “All Zoë did was help out Heracles this one time. Him being a son of Zeus thought her helping him was a sign of interest and well…now she’s not a virgin anymore.”

Oh…yeah…I grok that.[13] Daddy was always saying that my half-brothers, along with most men, were all rakehells and Zoë, even in her Hunter clothes, was pretty babelicious.[14]

“I’m not a virgin either,” Grover piped up, unnecessarily, “Satyrs have this coming-of-age ceremony where—”

I held up my hand. “I get it, Grover.” The yucky goat-boy was always trying to bring this up. I did not want to hear it.

“So,” Bianca pressed, breathing hard, “Have you done it or not?”

“I’m a daughter of Zeus,” is all I said which made it sound way worse than it was. It was simply a case of me being too irresistible and too innocent. Now after the things I’d done, I’d never be truly innocent again.

“I knew it!” Bianca cried. “You better not have done it with my brother!” She accused.

“What the bum-tum!” I cried offended.

Bianca cried back, “I didn’t defend his chastity for nearly 70 years for you to—”

“I haven’t touch Nico!” I protested angrily. “I’m in love with Luke and Nico is too precious for that…unless, unless you sullied him!”

“You dunce! Nico’s my brother!” Bianca shouted.

“You might be a scatterbrain, but I’m not,” I chided fiercely. “Nico’s told me things, Bianca. I know all about magic mirror time.”[15]

Bianca paled, but she stood her ground and glared at me. “You would never understand.”

“I don’t think I want to,” I said, glaringly.

We kept glaring silently until Grover said into the silence, “But seriously, guys, what are we gonna do? Should we find another ride?”

I stopped glaring and considered Grover’s semi-helpful suggestion. Then, I threw it out. “I don’t think we should,” I concluded. Quests tended to be kind of linear. “If there are magical golden unicorn deer here to tame, that’s probably what we need to do.”

“But how?” Grover asked unhelpfully. “We don’t have any bait.”

“Well…” I wasn’t sure. Not yet.

“I cannot believe I am going to fail Lady Artemis because I am impure,” Zoë moaned.

Bianca who had also stopped glaring, patted Zoë’s shoulder. “There, there, we’ll think of something.”

I nodded. I would think of something, eventually. I always did, but this was a tuffy.[16] Why did Artemis own animals that guilt-trip you for making love and whoopees?[17]

To my surprise though, Hicky spoke up. “If you don’t mind me saying so, I have an idea,” he offered, humbly.

We all turned to him.

“Are you a virgin?” I asked, confused. I was pretty sure I would know if any of the male Olympians were virgins.[18] If a deity is a virgin, they want everyone to know.

Hicky laughed at my question. “No, my Lady, I’m not a virgin, not in any sense of the word.”

“Oh…” I hung my head in purpleness and anticippointment.[19] I wasn’t used to feeling so…unbefitting and salacious.[20]

“But I know someone who is and they’d totes be willing to help you,” Hicky said with Nicky’s mischievous grin.

“Who?” I asked, thinking of Shane and Mark. I didn’t think they were virgins either.

“You’re fifth member,” Hicky said smilingly, “Peter.”

It took an entire 6 minutes, 1 second and 9 jiffies to convince Zoë that Peter would make a good girl.[21] She kept saying, “Peter Johnson is a boy. He cannot be our virgin maiden.”

To which Hicky pointed out it was much easier to make Peter look like a girl than to give one of us a virgin texture.

“But…”

Then I pointed out Artemis had sometimes transformed men into women, so it wasn’t like this was breaking some sort of Hunter code.[22]

“But we don’t have god-like powers to aid us,” Zoë argued.

I glared at Hicky. He shrugged. Hermes had said earlier that “Changing Peter into an actual girl would attract the wrong type of attention,” the coward.

“So,” Zoë concluded, “we cannot physically change him.”

“There’s still cross-dressing and it’s a mythological staple,” I pointed out.

“You are thinking of those fiendish Vikings, Lady Andi,” Zoë said, incorrectly.[23]

“No,” I argued, rightly, “I wasn’t. People say Mr. D was disguised as a maiden once and Heracles crossed-dressed and did housewifery for like years.”[24]

“We would never make it convincing,” Zoë said, not giving in.

“It’s not that hard,” Grover said from experience.

“Yeah, I have Nico’s spare wig and contacts in my bag,” Bianca added, not unhelpfully.[25]

“Give me some make-up and the right dress and you won’t be able to tell the difference,” I added confidently.

“But…”

“I’m sorry Zoë,” Bianca put in, “but you did say you wanted Peter to pull his own weight and we don’t really have any other options.”

“And Peter said he was willing, right?” I asked Hicky. Peter was still asleep with Apian, but Hermes had been exchanging mind messages with Apollo.

“The boy said he would do anything to help,” Hicky agreed with a smile.

Zoë looked at all of us. She still seemed very conflicted.

“What’s the problem?” I asked. “We’re just making Peter look like a girl to trick some judgy deer.”

“But that is the problem,” Zoë said sadly. “If we can turn Peter Johnson into a virginal maiden convincing enough to fool Lady Artemis’s legendary Ceryneian Hinds, then that means that anyone can be a maiden. And if that is the case, then does not that mean anyone can join the Hunters?”

I thought about it. “Kinda? If a boy is willing to be a maiden and forsake all other men then she can. That was already an unspoken rule though, wasn’t it?”

“It was easier not to think about it,” Zoë said noncommittally.

Bianca patted her shoulder again. “It is kind of crazy to think about. That means Nico could join the Hunters,” she said in wonder.

Zoë shivered.

I had no sympathy for such snotty girly cervus attitudes.[26] “Zoë,” I demanded, “if you were a boy, wouldn’t you want the option to be a girl and join the Hunters?”

“I…” Zoë looked confused and uncomfortable. “I do not know. Maybe?”

“What if Hermes turned you into a boy and you couldn’t change back?” I asked, intensely.

Zoë gave Hicky a horrified hate-filled look.

Hicky held up his hands in surrender. “Hey, I’m not an idiot.”

“I’m sure,” I continued, “Artemis and your sisters wouldn’t abandon you even then.”

Zoë nodded fiercely. “They would not.”[27]

“Goody Gumdrops!” I ran over to give Zoë a hug. As I squeezed her tight, I said convincingly, “So just remember that and stop being so closed-minded and misandrist and let’s dress Peter in drag!”[28]

At my words, all of Zoë’s old-fashioned biases about maidenhood disappeared.[29] “You’re right, Lady Andi,” she said sensibly, “If Lady Artemis approves of a new Hunter, they are my new sister, regardless of their past.”

I smiled. That’s the spirit. “Just so! Now, let’s get down to business!”[30]

We all let out a cheer and then the gang split up and searched for virginal items.[31]

Exactly two microcenturies later, we barely had a Bananaquit feather to fly east with.[32] For some reason, not a single store around YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK had any luxury make-up or designer clothes. The gift shops were filled with boneless knick-knacks and the grocery store was far too fruity.[33]

I frowned at our collective haul that was laid out on the table inside the tour bus. I had found some really cute lip gloss, some floral deodorant, clear pink nail polish, and a brass locket that screamed I’m a girl next door. Grover had tried to select some punny t-shirts which Apian liked, but everyone else had been unimpressed.[34] And that was it. No one else had found anything.

“This is not going to work,” Zoë said. She was sitting next to me at the table. “We cannot dress Peter Johnson up in novelty t-shirts.”

We could. T-shirts are great and plenty maiden-like but I wouldn’t call them very virginal.

“Maybe we could dress him up like a Hunter,” Grover suggested. He was sitting across from me, directly in front of Zoë.

I frowned harder. That would be worse than a t-shirt. The Hunters were too virginal. Their top layer which was a giant coat was basically sexless. I doubted we would tempt any Hinds with that.

Zoë agreed because she said deeply, “I think not.”[35]

I sighed. “What about makeup?” I asked, questioningly. “Do you and Bianca have any, Zoë?” I could do Peter’s makeover with just lip-gloss, but I wanted Peter to feel like Cinderella which meant I’d at least need eyeliner and stuff for contouring.

Unfortunately, Zoë and Bianca shook their heads. Bianca was sitting next to Zoë.

“What about you, Lady Andi?” Zoë asked.

I held up my lip gloss 5 pack and the nail polish. “What you see is what you get.”

The two Hunters frowned. “That’s it?” Bianca asked, stupidly.

“At least, I found something,” I said accurately.

Bianca made a face and then Zoë said quickly, “I think what Bianca means to ask is: Do you not partake in cosmetics?”

“I don’t partake,” I told her.

Zoë and Bianca exchanged a confused look.

“Really, I don’t need make-up. I just take really good care of my skin,” I said, simply. People always assume I’m wearing make-up, but I’m just naturally this flawless.

I am sure Bianca was about to compliment me on my flawless beauty when Apian said, “The band has some make-up. Just eyeliner and mascara though.” He was sitting across from Bianca and next to Grover.

“We also have a nail kit and razors,” Hicky added. He was sitting directly across from me and next to Grover.

That was a start.

“That doesn’t fix the clothes issue though,” Bianca complained, unhelpfully.

“I am not giving Peter Johnson my spare Hunter outfit. It would be…” Zoë began seriously, but I stopped listening.

I considered my options. I had no dress, and I was missing a full make-up set. We could leave YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK and come back, but with all the crowds and the re-entry fees that might take too much time. Mark and Shane would be stranded. Phones don’t really work here. Plus, leaving and coming back might be considered to be backtracking.[36]  

I wanted to do this right. Apollo had told Hermes that Peter was not angry at me, but that wasn’t gratifying enough. Peter was just so miffy and oceanic.[37] If I wanted him to have good wholesome fun on this quest, there could be no blatant cheating or shortcuts. I did not need them anyway! Even if all I could use was the stuff found in gift shops, a dinky grocery store, the woods, and the clothes off our own back, I was going to make Peter into the prettiest virgin maiden he could be!

“What are we going to do, Andi?” Grover whined again, worriedly.

I set my jaw. “If we can’t buy Peter what he needs, we make it,” I said stoutly.

“Sewing is out of the question, Lady Andi,” Zoë said, pessimistically. “It would take too much time.”

“Sewing? Puh-lease,” I said dismissively before announcing, all corrective-like. “Where we’re going, we don’t need sewing.”[38]

Everyone stared at me in awe and befuddlement.

I flashed them my best smile. “Here’s what we’re going to do. Hicky and Grover, you’re on Peter duty. I want him washed, shaved, and scented.”

“Anything for you, Andi,” Hicky and Grover said in unison.

I turned to the Hunters and Apian. “Bianca and Apian, we’re going shopping.”

“But we just went shopping,” Bianca whined, wet-blanket-cally.[39]

 “We have a new shopping list,” I said, dry-blanket-cally.[40]

“And me, Lady Andi,” Zoë asked, somberly, “What am I to do?”

“What you excel at,” I said, supportively, “You’re going foraging in the woods.”

Zoë’s back straightened and she looked more like herself as I listed out all the things that I needed her to find.

“And while you’re doing all that, locate us a jolly good spot to catch the Hinds. A river or a nice valley would be foxy,” I added, instructively.[41] “Then drop the stuff off back at the tour bus and set up the traps at the spot, so we can nab those Hinds.”

She nodded. “I can do that.”

“Okie-dokie,” I said encouragingly to everyone. “We all have our marching orders. To battle!”

“To battle!” We all cheered. Then we went on our separate missions.

This time, I knew exactly what to do. It had been a while since I had had to pull out my DIY skills.[42] Daddy usually bought me all the clothes I could ever want and I was really a modest and humble person anyway so I didn’t need much.[43]

Today though, I used a portion of those old skills. While Zoë went to go find us the herbal and mineral ingredients to make some make-up, I shopped with Bianca and Apian. We bought some oils for the make-up, tissues, a pair of scissors and some tape. Then we got down to the problem of clothes. We came away from the gift shops with the following:

• One XXXL pale salmon t-shirt
• One XL pale salmon long-sleeved t-shirt
• One M dark sea-green shirt to compliment Peter’s eyes
• One super soft XXXL tan t-shirt
• One pair of faux fur insulated tan leggings
• A stack of postcards
• And, at Hicky’s suggestion, one camera for the golden memories.

“What are we going to do with all this?” Bianca asked when we returned to the bus.

I just smiled and said, mysteriously, “We’re going to do some earthen magic. Apian?” I turned to him. “Can I have you teach Bianca how to make make-up?” Zoë had dropped off the goods while we were gone.

Apian gave me the thumbs up. Apparently, Apollo and Hermes could give out godly advice, but they couldn’t physically do anything that Kian and Nicky couldn’t do. It made things a little complicated, but we were making it work.

“Let’s go, Cuisneoir,” Apian said instructively to Bianca as he gathered up all the stuff.[44] “Time to make some human face paints.” The two of them headed for the nearest hotel lodge.

I turned to Grover and Hicky who thankfully had washed, shaved, and scented Peter as requested. Hicky told me that they even brushed Peter’s teeth.[45]

“Brilliant,” I said, praisingly. “Now, I’m about to cut what needs cutting outside. In the meantime, I need you to—” I explained what I wanted.

Grover looked confused, but Hicky nodded confidently. At the end of my explanation, he asked, “You sure you’re not a daughter of Hephaestus or Athena? These are some serious arts and craft skills.”

I shrugged. “I’m a child of Zeus, just like you. I think we’re all pretty crafty.”

“Don’t I know it,” Hicky said winkily.[46]

I winked back. I was glad I followed Apollo’s advice and made up with Hicky. I had my half-brother back and a stack of favors that were accumulating interest for as long as Luke was missing.

It was a win-win.

During the next hour, 7 minutes, 48 seconds, and 16 jiffies, I worked with Hicky and Grover to make Peter’s outfit. First, I had Grover and Hicky put on the tan leggings and Zoë’s spare corset. They stuffed the bust with tissue paper and then cinched in the waist to give Peter a passable hourglass figure.

Then they put on the t-shirts. After a snip with the scissor, the XL long-sleeved t-shirt was fitted around Peter’s upper chest so that the sleeves remained unused. Then they put on the XXXL shirt and fitted that over the first shirt just under Peter’s new bust.

At that point, I returned to the tour bus to help out. I tucked in the sleeves of the shirt skirt and then flipped up the skirt to tape those sleeves to make pockets.

Because all dresses should come with pockets, especially virginal ones.

Then for the upper shirt, I had Grover pull the sleeves over Peter’s surprisingly broad shoulders and down to Peter’s mid-back. Then I got out what I had been working on outside. It was a simple twisted piece of dark sea green fabric that I had cut from the medium shirt. I wrapped that around Peter’s high waist then combined this makeshift belt with the pulled back sleeves in back to make an elaborate knot that looked like a rose.

“Looking good,” Hicky said approvingly.

I went around front to observe. Peter appeared to be wearing a salmon pink high-waisted dress with a flaring skirt and a layered boat neckline with a cute faded sea green belt to accent the dress.

“Bibbidi Bobbidi,” I nodded approvingly. “Now for the slippers.”[47]

I revealed a pair of cloth shoes that I’d made outside from postcards, tape, and the rest of the sea-green shirt. I had Grover put the shoes on Peter. Now, Peter was nearly all dressed. I had made a shawl from the tan t-shirt that I’d expertly cut with my scissors but that wouldn’t go on him until I was done with make-up and hair.

Hair was easy. I got Bianca’s spare Nico wig and placed it on Peter’s head. For a moment, I just looked at Peter. The wig reminded me of being at Circe’s Island with Nico.

Nico had made such a cute girl. His large brown soulful eyes, boyish features, and slim frame had made the transformation almost effortless.

I missed him. I hoped he was jake down under with his dad and not missing Bianca too much.[48] If I had time, I really should visit Nico on my way back to camp. Maybe I could even force Bianca to come. That would make him sandy.[49]

“Do you need any more help, Andi?” Grover asked annoyingly.

I sniffed and then smiled. “Nah, I’m just swell. You and Hicky wrestle up some lunch for yourselves. I’m going to keep going.”

“Alright!” Grover said way too brightly. “See you later.”

He and Hicky left.

I fussed with Peter’s hair. I didn’t want it to be too sexy, but I did want it to look cute. I decided to give Peter bangs and then simply brushed his new hair 33 times so it shined.

Then I applied the clear pink nail polish to Peter’s nails and let them dry. When I finished with that, Apian and Bianca arrived with the make-up. I told them it was lunchtime, but first Apian and then Bianca offered to stay.

I was gobsmacked.[50]

“You really have worked some magic,” Apian said appreciatively. “Hasn’t she, Cuisneoir?”

Bianca nodded. “I can’t believe you turned a bunch of t-shirts into that dress. It’s so pretty.”

I smiled. “I can tell you how I did it if you want.”

Bianca looked surprised. “You would?”

“Sure,” I said, generously, “we’re quest mates,” and it’s what Nico would have wanted. I was sure.

Bianca, Apian, and I spent the next 32 minutes, 21 seconds, and 10 jiffies discussing DIY fashion as I worked on Peter’s make-up. The look I was shooting for was subtle. I wanted to highlight Peter’s more feminine features without seeming like I was trying to hide his manliness.

It was stunning how much there was to hide.

Peter was so short so I figured he wouldn’t be that hard to girlify, but his shoulders, his jaw, and his nose which had a certain classical vibe really did have some Kyleness to them.[51] Still, this was me, so in no time I fashion-whizzed even those features into something lady-like and soon, I had Peter looking as delicate as a debutante with that all-natural make-up look that everyone assumed I did to myself on a daily basis. I was even able to make Peter’s adorable freckles pop.

I dabbed on the last bit of blush on Peter’s nose and his face was done. Finally, I finished up by fastening the brass locket necklace around Peter’s neck and adding the tan shawl.

Just as I was admiring my work with Apian and Bianca, Grover, Hicky, Mark, Shane, and Zoë returned to the bus. Mark and Shane nodded at us and then went up front, but Zoë was frozen.

“Andromeda Sunshine,” she breathed, her cheeks going pink, “you…” she glanced at Hicky and Apian.

“It was all her,” Apian confirmed. “She was the head designer.”

“Yeah,” Hicky added, “Apollo and I didn’t lift a finger. Advice only.”

Zoë looked back at Peter. “Beautiful.”

I beamed. Peter really did look like the peacock’s tail.[52] After a half-day of prep, he had become a glassier version of Camp Rock Demi Lovato mixed with a less mean version of Raquelle.[53]

“I never dreamed…” Zoë sat down. “Wow.”

“I know, right?” Bianca piped up cheerily. “So different than before.”

“Yeah, this beats my cross-dressing attempt by a landslide,” Grover added unnecessarily.

Still, I kept my voice humble as I said modestly, “Come on guys, Peter has always had potential. I just used my superior skills to bring out the swan beauty that lives in every ugly duckling.”

“You truly are special,” Zoë concluded. “I must apologize again for ever doubting you on this quest, Lady Andi.”

I smiled. If Scroogey Zoë approved of my holiday miracle, then surely Peter would too.[54] What would he say? Maybe I’d get a thank you. From Peter!

The idea of it made me want to squee out in triumph.

This is why I adored quests!

They were such a ball! I had taught Zoë a valuable lesson on not being a sexist girl’s club man-hater, enabled Bianca’s education on cosmetics and DIY fashion, kept Grover from messing up everything, saw a historical landmark that reminded me of my dark past and bright friends, and gave Peter a totally consensual fairytale princess makeover that he would hopefully, no definitely, love and the sun hadn’t even set yet![55]

“You got the spot ready?” I excitedly asked Zoë. I was eager to stay positive and keep the fruity times growing.[56]

“Yes, Lady Andi,” Zoë said greatly, “The trap is laid. The instruments have been set up and I told those two,” she pointed at Mark and Shane, “where to go.”

“Peaches and cherries!” I said, pinkly. “Let’s grab us some Hinds!”

Footnotes

[1] Also known as: It was a different time, a makeover time. Be warned this chapter has some childhood-ruining conversations, but considering the last chapter, if you’re still here, you’re probably fine.

[2] First off, just like Wyoming, Arkansas is a real state. However, South Virginia is not. Instead, we have West Virginia which I believe was on the North’s side during the US Civil War. The Jogi Bear thing seems to be a letter substitution. Instead of Yogi Bear of Jellystone (a cartoon character), Andi thinks Yellowstone has Jogi Bear. There is no Jogi, unfortunately, but Grizzly 399 is quite famous for being friendly.

[3] Popped as opposed to being jazzed or excited.

[4] Chirpy as in birds chirping.

[5] Yes, I too am aware it’s supposed to be winter.

[6] This sets the tone of the chapter. If you don’t like where this is going, now might be a good time to leave.

[7] Andi probably is just using bananas to say Zoë is acting crazy, but the combo of kiwis and bananas brings another image to mind.

[8] I wonder if this is a James Bond reference to: “Bond, James Bond.”

[9] Uh… yeah. This is dark.

[10] So, this is some major artistic license. Here we go. In Greek mythology being a virgin was a requirement for being one of Artemis’s maidens. However, it is less clear in PJO if this is a requirement to be a Hunter of Artemis. The oath is: I pledge myself to the Goddess Artemis. I turn my back on the company of men, accept eternal maidenhood, and join the Hunt.

Maidenhood could mean virginity or just being young and unmarried. And in Titan’s Curse Artemis says you have: To forswear romantic love forever, to never grow up, never get married, to be a maiden eternally.

Again, no mention of sex, just being a maiden and not falling in love, but Percy points out Artemis wants the Hunters to be: like her. And Artemis is like the virgin goddess. I know there are others, but she’s the one who makes a huge deal of it. So, yeah, this was a serious stretch in my mind when I first read this, and even now, I am not exactly cool with it.

[11] I think Andi might be referencing Blue’s Clues.

[12] Scarlet as in scarlet letter (a symbol for adultery) perhaps?

[13] Ugh. Grok means to understand completely. It comes from Stranger in a Strange Land which is a weird-ass book and quite fitting for this chapter.

[14] A rakehell is a regency term for a bad boy. They are known for their drinking, gambling, and having a lot of sex that may or may not be consensual. Babelicious means sexy and beautiful.

[15] This is thankfully less gross than it sounds. In the Sea of Monsters fic, Nico revealed that Bianca liked to dress him up as a girl during their special ‘magic mirror time’. This again is stereotypical 2000s and 2010s anime older sister slightly creepy and abusive stuff.

[16] Pretty sure she means toughie as in a tough one, but she could also mean Tuffy, the mythological beast. Like this was a monster of a problem.

[17] Making love and making whoopee are both expressions for sex.

[18] No male Olympians, but rumor has it that Thanatos the personification and god of death, Morpheus the god of sleep and dreams, Hymenaios the god of marriage (This one tickles me, but Artemis is the virgin goddess of childbirth so shrug), Notus the south wind, Euros the east wind, and Geras the god of old age are all male virgins.

[19] Anticipointment is a real word. Surprisingly. As you can probably guess, it means feeling disappointed after anticipating something. Purpleness is harder to place. It could be a reference to the song ‘Purple Disappointment’.

[20] Unbefitting and salacious mean unworthy and impure respectively.

[21] Who is ready to discuss gender politics via a Mary Sue fanfiction from the 2010s?

No one? Not even me?

Well, here we have it anyway. There is nothing particularly ground-breaking here by US 2022 standards, so sit back, read, and try not to panic.

[22] Indeed, we have already met Sipriotes (Sip) in Chapter 21.

[23] Did you know that both Thor and Loki have myths where they disguise themselves as women?

[24] Yup.

Dionysus had a rough birth. In the standard version, when Dionysus’s mom is pregnant with him, she was tricked into asking Zeus to show his true form. Zeus did and she was vaporized leaving an “unborn” Dionysus. Zeus was like no biggie and sewed Mr. D into his leg. Dionysus was born a bit later. Hermes took baby Dionysus to a mortal couple and in some versions, Hermes told them to raise Dionysus as a girl to hide him from Hera.

As for Heracles, after he went mad again and murdered Iphitus, a possible future brother-in-law who was the only one in his family that thought they should give his sister away to the guy who murdered his wife and kids (yeah…Disney doesn’t cover that bit), Heracles was sentenced to be Queen Omphale’s slave. She made Heracles work and dress as a woman for like 3 years. Afterwards, they got married.

[25] Yeah…this is a thing. See footnote 15.

[26] Cervus is a Latin word for deer.

[27] Uh…I’d like to say I’d believe her, but the Hunters are pretty misandrist and come off as kind of heartless sometimes. See the next footnote.

[28] Misandrist means showing contempt, hatred, or prejudice towards men.

[29] Um…somehow, I doubt this.

[30] To seduce, the Hinds~

[31] Look, gang! It’s another Scooby-Doo reference. I think if I had to put people in boxes: Andi is Fred. Grover is Daphne. Hicky/Peter is Velma. Zoë is Shaggy and Bianca is Scooby-Doo. Although, my delta reader says Peter ought to be Scooby and Bianca should be Scrappy.

[32] A microcentury is one-millionth of a century or 52 minutes and 35.7 seconds. The expression “not a feather to fly with” means poor. A bananaquit bird is the state bird of the US Virgin Isles and (this one took some searching) east is the direction of the Virgo constellation whose symbol is a virgin.

[33] Perhaps boneless knick-knacks is a reference to “knick-knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone” which is a lyric of an English nursery rhyme. As for the fruity grocery store, I have no idea whether she means sexy or full of actual fruit. With Andi, it is hard to tell.

[34] Apollo has woken up, but Peter has not.

[35] I think Zoë has other reasons for her agreement on this.

[36] More on this concept in Chapter 28.

[37] I believe this is a call back to Andi calling Peter taciturn like the sea in Chapter 4.

[38] Uh… I think this is a Back to the Future reference???

[39] A wet-blanket is someone who is ruining the mood and good cheer with pesky things like logic and common sense.

[40] This is not a thing, but I must assume being a dry-blanket is the opposite of being a wet blanket.

[41] Foxy… because foxes are hunted for sport?

[42] DIY stands for Do It Yourself.

[43] Right, Andi has to be the humblest person I know.

[44] Cuisneoir means refrigerator in Irish.

[45] Remember this.

[46] I assume Hicky winked at her.

[47] That’s the third Cinderella reference so far.

[48] Jake is another word for okay.

[49] Sandy in reference to the expression “happy as a sandboy”.

[50] Gobsmacked means surprised.

[51] I think this might be a Kyle XY reference. Did anyone else watch that show? It was cancelled way too soon.

[52] I am guessing this is like being the bee’s knees or the cat’s meow. Both those expressions mean an excellent person or thing.

[53] Glassy as in Cinderella perhaps? During the days of the Jonas Brothers and Camp Rock, Demi Lovato looked like a total girl-next-door down-to-earth type person. I think the Raquelle Andi is talking about is the raven-haired frenemy of Barbie in the show “Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse”.

[54] Scroogey as in Scrooge from A Christmas Carol.

[55] Uh…yeah, we’ll see.

[56] “Keep the fruity times growing” is probably Andi’s way of saying “keep the good times rolling”.

Chapter Text

Chapter 27: I Don’t Wanna Be Me Right Now

(Peter)

I was wearing a pink dress and tied to a log in the middle of the forest while a soft rock ballad played in the background, and the worse part:

This wasn’t even the weirdest thing that happened to me today.

It didn’t even make the top five.[1]

Countless hours ago, before the gauntlet of nightmares that was my rebooted life, I had been New Moon. As I lay at the God of Plague’s mercy, shrieking in pain and wallowing in self-hatred, my thoughts congealed into this final message:

I cannot be defeated here. Forgive me and farewell, Peter Johnson.

In the next moment, the God of Archery’s diseased arrows were gone and the full-body pain that I had been experiencing dulled to a throbbing soreness that went down my entire backside.

“Crap!” the God of Athletic Youth said from above me. “She got away.”

I pushed myself up onto my elbows and growled, “Is that all you have to say after you tortured me for hours!?”[2] The magnitude of the pain I had endured could not be properly contained in memory, but my rage knew no bounds.[3]

The God of Medicine replied, heartlessly with “Tortured Cult Lass for like 30 minutes you mean, and what else is there to say, besides the fact she totally deserved it.” Then the cad offered me a hand to pull me up.

I did not take it. I was far too furious to accept assistance from the likes of him. I stood up on my own two feet and shouted, “You are utterly insane!”

“I’m A GREEK GOD!” The Son of Zeus thundered back. The world flashed violently in a chaos of livid colors as he roared, “It Has Been SEVERAL Lifetimes Since ANYONE, God Or Mortal DARED Harm Me. Because Of YOU, I Was Murdered One Hundred And Thirty-Eight Times In A Single Night. And You Think NOW Is The Time To Question MY Sanity!”

Um…

“I…I merely…” I tried to back away from him, but he seemed to fill the entire space.

“You Are NOTHING!” he proclaimed, “I Am EVERYTHING! And THAT Is How Life Works. CAPEESH?”

I swallowed and nodded.

“Okay, good,” he said.

Suddenly, the world righted itself and I saw that we had somehow moved from the Hawaiian jungle to a craggy desert ridge in the middle of nowhere. More importantly, the previously larger-than-life Greek God was now the size of a normal mortal teenager and smiling at me as if nothing of note had occurred. His new affable mask did little to reassure me.

There was nothing about this that was good or okay.

“Let’s sit down,” the god said, gesturing to a couple of metal chairs that had not been there before.

I went and sat down, careful to avoid causing further offense. I felt oddly vulnerable and not just because of the God of Light’s show of divine might.

The God of Guilt sighed.[4] “Now, I almost feel bad. I wasn’t trying to scare you.”

I glanced at him, warily. That seemed to be exactly his aim.

“Okay, I totally was,” he admitted, “but you have to understand. I’m usually a pretty chill guy, but even I don’t take kindly to being repeatedly murdered.”

I nodded.

“And like I said, she started it,” he whined.

I nodded again.

“So…we cool?” the god asked.

I stopped nodding. Curse my innate desire for honesty, but I could not so easily call bygones after what had happened.

“Well,” he pressed.

“Perhaps if you were to apologize…” I began.

The God of *Mortal* Guilt frowned at me. “Apologize? Peter, did you not hear me. I’m a God. Gods don’t do apologies.”

I focused on the ground and the deep chasm that was mere feet away from us. I believed his remorseless attitude had less to do with him being a god and more to do with him being a pompous arse.[5]

“And there’s nothing to be sorry for,” he argued once again. “I just healed you of her influence. She’ll think twice before invading your headspace again.”

“What!” No. That couldn’t be right. It just couldn’t be.

“Peter,” the god said grasping my shoulder.

I tried to shake him off, but he would not let go.

“It was for the best,” he insisted, “You were becoming a side character in your own story.”

“But I wanted…or she? We?” My sentence soon became muddled. I was New Moon…but I was not. We had been and now…I was…

Alone.

“Hey,” the God of Healing shook me again. “None of that. Come on Peter, you’re missing major plot details here. It’s not like you, Sir Nitpick,” he chastised.

The world spun in a dizzying vertigo. My stomach twisted and lurched. I felt horrible and his nonsense did not help. It only confused me more. And yet some part of my mind stubbornly clung to his mad utterances like a bear trap catching a frightened fox.

Characters.

Plots.

Nits.

And Picks.[6]

Those things meant something, didn’t they? Something of import. My response was hesitant. “You speak of stories…you…believe that this is a story too?” The notion was like a stranded phrase from a song I could hum but not name.

Disjointed as my question was, it calmed my nerves. The ground was solid beneath me again.

The God of Music also approved. “There we go!” he said cheerfully. “Yes. Of course, this is a story. Life is a story. You could say it’s the only story,” the God of Epics mused, warming to his topic. “Why do you think I’m the god of art, music, poetry, epics, and prophecies?”

To my surprise, the answer came to me easily. I said, “Because you killed a Python and stole its prophecy powers. Also, regardless of time and age, a young attractive male always gets the best of everything.”

“Good. Good. Yes, to all those things,” he said eagerly, “but no, to your answer. I’m God of both stories and soothsaying cause they’re all related, man.

Our art captures life

An endless string of nonsense

Given shape and form

You get me?”[7]

“I get you,” I echoed without any enthusiasm.[8] He was far too invested in this point and I still hated and mistrusted him for what he had done.

“But,” the God of Prophecy added, “knowing you, you’d like to know if I’ve perused a very particular prophecy. Yes, I have and it’s so incredibly wrong.

Me and your oracle seriously need to have a word. They should know better than to write such overly long, explicit, and misleading prophecies for young lads to follow.

A good prophecy should be short and sweet with plenty of room for interpretation and improvisation.

Instead, he keeps sharing these crazy predictions without a thought towards the repercussions. I mean, Roman forms?[9] Really? Where did he get the idea that we should have multiple personalities? Talk about confusing. And insulting! I’m not Hermes, Aphrodite, or flipping Santa Claus! I shouldn’t have to change my ethnicity and mannerisms depending on someone else’s. He didn’t even give me a cool new name, just an epithet.[10]

And why did he think it was a good idea to let Ares give out prophecies?[11]

That’s MY thing!”

“Excuse me?” I inquired. The god was becoming overwrought again. I did not wish for him to have another world-changing tantrum.

“What?” he snapped. “You’re already a critic, a virgin, and an uncertified nut. Don’t tell me you’re a Martian too.”[12]

I had no idea whether I liked the God of Battle Spirit or not, but that did not matter at the moment. I queried, “What pray tell is the point of your monologue?”

“The point?” The God of Dance frowned for a bit. “Right…the point…”

Then he smiled and snapped his fingers. “Ah yes, the point, Peter-boy, is that you’ve been going down the wrong path. Talking to faceless strangers, following some outdated prophecy, insulting girls, wearing trash, and making friends with Dionysus. Like seriously dude? What are you doing? You’re so lost that I bet you don’t even remember how you ended up in this dreamscape. Am I right? Or am I right?” He said crossing his arms and leaning back as smug as anything.

My first instinct was to say:

Bah! Your rambles are meaningless, God of Sheep and Cows.[13] You know not of what you speak.

But…

I could not quite get the words out and it was not solely because of fear. They felt wrong, for his statements held some truth. I’d been here so long, living as New Moon, thinking her thoughts, and feeling her feelings. I still felt them.

There was a piece of me now that despised this God of many things to the core for reasons beyond tonight. And another piece of me that mourned the loss of what could have been. And yet, there was one other part, a larger part, possibly the Peter Johnson part, that told me to remember a time before the Hawaiian hot spring and the end of all things where I was not the mysterious and tortured New Moon, but the mundane and mildly ticked-off Peter Johnson.

I tried to listen to this foreign yet familiar voice and slowly, Peter’s memories, my memories returned starting from childhood: Getting tested for ADD and mild dyslexia. Joining the swim team. Making friends with Jay. Jay convincing me to try Lightning Thief. Reading Lightning Thief. Losing my first swim meet. Eating blue cake. Sea of Monsters. Getting beat up by Duke. Titan’s Curse. Comforting mom after she dumped Gerald. Labyrinth. Joining book club. Fanfiction. Last Olympian. Mom’s marriage. The blog.

The memories kept coming, taking me through my adolescence followed by my time in this fic: Percy leaving, Not-mom crying, cursing at the Mary Sue, Mr. D.’s creepy smile until I finally recalled my last moment and concluded, “The Sue…she electrocuted me.”

Apollo facepalmed. “Seriously? I wait for you to have an epiphany and regain your lost memories and that’s what you come up with?”

“But that is what happened,” I insisted, “I swear.” I remembered it so clearly now. I spoke slowly as the scene replayed in my mind. “I was heading for the fire alarm to get rid of the Stymphalian birds when the Sue threw her lightning bolt against Zoë’s orders and—”

“Andi only did that because you were being mobbed by those she-devils my sister calls attendants. My dearest flower was trying to save you. And she would have, if you hadn’t been wearing this trashy metallic monster vest,” Apollo said, gesturing at my jacket.

Trashy metallic monster vest?

Those words, they reminded me of…the Sue’s loud-mouthed Pegasus. What moniker had I used? Pony Sue? Yes, that sounded familiar. He sounded like her, but what did either of them know? “The Nemean Lion skin is not…”

My words trailed off as Apollo tugged my jacket causing it to gleam gold despite the pre-dawn darkness.

Oh. “Fuck.”[14]

“Yeah, something like that,” Apollo said with a nod. “Peter, you’re a lucky duck to be alive right now. The only reason you aren’t dead is because Andi, bless her sensitive soul, nursed you back to health with nectar, cloud mist, and a healthy dose of guilt and mostly platonic love.”

I can only imagine what that looked like. I felt ill and unsteady once more. I hated this. I hated that this was my life now. I hated that I could not go back. I wanted to finish New Moon’s story. Maybe New Moon was on the wrong side and maybe she was just misunderstood. Either way, I knew her heart was in the right place and I had so many questions that—

“Look,” Apollo said interrupting my thoughts. “I said it before and I’ll say it again. I’ve had a long night. So, I’ll cut the vague sagey advice and give it to you straight. You need to stop acting like a deranged lunatic with a bad attitude. I don’t care how angry and misunderstood you are. Unless you’re like a master artist of the highest caliber which you most certainly aren’t, no one should have to deal with your whacked-out behavior, especially not Andi who for some unknown reason, actually likes you.”

I glared at him. Why did he have to be right?

Seeing all my actions played back to me all at once put things in perspective. I had been an asshole to Miss Sunshine and I definitely could have reacted to that hug better. Yeah, the Sue was annoying as fuck and couldn’t take a hint, but she wasn’t intentionally malicious. If she had the intelligence and desire to try to brainwash me on purpose, she would have done so on day one. She was just a poorly-conceptualized symptom of this fic world, living her life as a Mary Sue due to shit writing. Still, “I just—”

“Ap ap ap! I don’t want to hear your lame excuses,” Apollo said. “I got my ears full with Dionysus and the female Olympians in that department.[15] All I’m saying is that Andi is doing her best to be a good person and friend to you, so you need to at least try with her. If you can’t even manage that, then you can forget about the rest of this quest. You won’t survive long enough to find my sister.”

I nodded, slowly. This really was my life now. Playing nice with Mary Sues and listening to sadistic gods was my lot. I asked the question that I thought I should ask, “If I do try with Sunshine and save Artemis, will I be able to go…home?”

Home.

Even that felt wrong. I had my memories back, so I remembered my desperate desire to return to my home, mother, friends, and the safety of being a fanfic sporker and not an amateur hero, but it was all so far away. Even my more recent memories of Camp Half-blood, Percy, Miss Sunshine, and my current situation felt a little removed.

I had spent an entire year as someone else, so of course, my own life and trials would seem distant and…small. I—

Again, Apollo pulled me out of my thoughts by saying, “Hey! You want an answer or not?”

“Yes.” Answers. That sounded good.

“Alrighty then,” he said, eyeing me, “You should be able to go home eventually if you actually succeed, so can I count on you to be down to do like anything for that crazy dream of yours? I mean you saw how committed Cult Lass was. I’m talking those levels.”

That was a depressingly easy answer to give: No.

I knew that level of commitment. I remember when I had been more reliable than time, but now that…I wasn’t New Moon and was just me…

Just me?

My stomach twisted yet again. I despised how wrong that sounded and how, for a second, I had forgotten who I was and felt whole, but now I felt twice as bad as before. What exactly was this?

“Peter?” the god pressed.

“I don’t feel so good,” I admitted after swallowing my bile back down.

“Answer my question, Peter Johnson,” Apollo said, glowing slightly.

“I’ll do anything within reason,” I managed to say.

“Well,” Apollo dimmed, “that’s…an overly-cautious answer.” He gave me a disappointed look.

I did not care. The God of Disease had to be doing this to me or letting this happen.

He shrugged. “I guess that’ll have to do though cause it’s time for me to go. I got a flower to shine on.” He started to get up.

“Wait,” I said, pushing aside my muddled thoughts. A lot of me felt like a dumpster fire, but my PJO knowledge was perfectly intact and I wanted more answers than just that. I said, “I am not well, won’t you heal me? Or at least, tell me about the old man of the sea and your sister. And,” I swallowed, “what of New Moon? Who is she?”

Apollo reluctantly sat back down. “Ugh. Fine. First off, I did heal you. You’re just experiencing some cognitive dissonance from trying to be someone you’re not. It’ll work itself out. Probably.”

I glowered at him.

He laughed. “Hey,” he said, “it’s not all bad. You’ve gained some valuable skills and perspective on your life that most people don’t experience until their old farts.”

He was not going to convince me this was a good thing. “Sometimes ignorance is bliss,” I offered.

“Says the guy who has a million questions,” the god countered.

He…had me there.

Apollo smirked. “As for the man of the sea and my sister. I don’t need to waste my breath. Your whacked-out prophecy got most of that right. Go ask that radical dude for more answers. You’ll find my sister at the usual place. Yadda yadda,” he finished with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“And New Moon?” I prompted. I needed to know. Perhaps if I knew who she was, I’d feel…less dissonant as he said and more like my own person.

Apollo shrugged again, looking annoyed. “New Moon’s gone. You’re cured. That’s all I know.”

A sudden feral rage was unleashed from me like a rabid dog. I shot out of my chair to stand over him and shout, “Lies! You forget. I was there, Lightbringer! You tortured me. I know you took off that hood and saw my face!”

“Her face,” the god said, calmly assessing me.

“What?”

“I’m giving you some slack for that insult cause I still feel a little bad about the last time and you’re still not in your right mind. You said my face, but you should have said her face,” he explained.

Oh…

Dread mingled with nausea.

God damn it. I was seriously fucked.

“But that’s the last time,” Apollo warned, standing up. He towered over me, “Have A Care, Peter Johnson and use that head of yours.”

I stumbled back into my metal chair with a clang. Somehow this calm Apollo was almost as scary as world-breaking Apollo.

“Anyone can see how messed up your question is,” the god put his hands on my shoulders and looked down into my eyes. “You spent like, what? A dozen or more hours here with Cult Lass in her little memory lane dream world? If anyone should know who she is, it ought to be you, so stop blaming others for your ignorance. It’s not cool, Peter.”

I frowned up at him. I had spent a year as her. I still felt like her a little bit, a lot? But try as I might I could not think of a single instance where I saw her face or thought her actual name. I must have done one of those things at one point though. Right?

What the hell was going on?

“And on that note,” Apollo began.

While I had been lost in thought, he had turned away from me. He was now facing the ridge in front of us. “I must bid you ado, Peter Johnson.” He lifted his hand in salute.

“Wait,” I said frantically, “I still have more—!”

But Apollo spoke over me, saying, “Enjoy the sunrise.” Then the god took one large step and leapt into the dark abyss.

“Apollo!” I rushed over to look for him, but he was nowhere to be seen. Instead, above me, the sun flared and the entire world went white.

“Fuck!” I cried, squeezing my eyes shut. I nearly fell forward into the chasm after the stupid hammy god, but I caught myself.

As I backed away from the edge, the searing pain in my eyes dimmed. When I was finally able to open them again, I was greeted by the most glorious sunrise imaginable.

I realized that the ridge Apollo had teleported us to was the Grand Canyon. Every rock and crag was lush with a tye-dye of color. The whole scene was so vividly breath-taking that it took me a couple of hours to remember that Apollo had ditched me.

I wish I had not. For it was then that the nightmares began.

And now, I was here, bound to this log. The main tragedy thus far was that for a few blissful moments, I believed that I had wandered back into New Moon’s head, but then I noticed my pink polished nails.

New Moon would never paint her nails.

Just like that the rage, terror, and confusion returned with a heavy dose of queasiness. I again realized that I wasn’t New Moon and this world hated me and I hated it. So, there was only one question left to ask:

How was this situation going to get fucking worse?

My hand-me-down Hunter instincts had me scanning the area for immediate threats. I was in the middle of this picturesque meadow in full summer splendor, surrounded by tall trees and covered in flowers.[16] My new knowledge told me there were white phloxes, woodland stars, yarrows, bistorts, yellow arnicas, groundsels, cinquefoils, stonecrops, red and pink shooting stars, prairie smokes, coralroots, sticky geraniums, and blue and purple harebells, wild flaxes, penstemons, larkspurs, and fleabanes.[17] A mild breeze brought the scent of new earth, evergreens, more sweet blooms, and the tones of that calming song. The instruments were a soft accompaniment to a charming voice that sounded as if the person was singing right in front of me.

The invisible angel sang of death, beauty, magic, and strangely enough, unicorns.

The whole scene was actually quite lovely which did nothing to assuage my…

Shit. No…please.

I squeezed my eyes shut and let the world tilt and sway while I breathed.

I thought to myself, “Your name is Peter Johnson. Despite your current everything, you are a guy who loves PJO to the point of obsession. Like any normal person with basic survival instincts, you want to remain healthy and sane, so you need to rid thyself…

To cleanse yourself…

To liberate…

To free…”

God Damn it!

I needed to stop thinking like a fucking renaissance fair person! And start thinking like myself!

It was the only way not to feel sick to my stomach, but it was hard as fuck! I kept slipping and I wasn’t sure if I was even getting everything.

I tugged at my pink dress in frustration. Somehow, I knew the fabric was all-natural as my fingers took in its soft texture. The dress was not overly stretchy or tight, so I didn’t understand why my chest felt like it was being crushed to death by another tentacle monster.

Yeah, there we go. Tentacle monster. And yes, I did say another one. It has been a shitty fucked-up day.

After I had remembered that Apollo had abandoned me, I had had fucked up dream after fucked up dream. Instead of just the normal shit like being lost, falling into a bottomless pit (been there, done that), or trying to take tests I could not read (Also just real life), I’d experienced drowning, alien probes, needles, tentacle hentai monsters with white goo, dragons, man-eating vultures, disembodied yaoi hands, rabid fan girls chasing me like fast zombies, actual zombies and…you know what?[18]

Fuck this topic. Let’s move on.

Right now, I was dreaming I was some random girl who had been kidnapped, tied up, and left outside somewhere. This was a set up to something bad, like being raped or axe-murdered and I had little desire to find out what perils awaited…

Damn it. I mean…I didn’t want to know. There!

What mattered was that I sometimes managed a few victories in these fucked up dreams and I wanted this to be one of them. I attempted to stand, but the stuff tying me to the log, fishing wire I suspected, was wrapped too fucking tight. My arms and head were free, but my legs and even my torso were stuck in their current position.

I glared at the impossibly thin fishing wire. If I had a knife this would be easy. But no, I wasn’t a Hunter anymore, so I had to do this the hard way. I traced the fishing line with my fingers so I could find out where it was tied and undo the knot. I needed to act quickly. I had been in enough dreams to know that time was limited and I was running out. According to my calculations, I had maybe 10 more seconds before…

There was a rustling to my left.

Fuck.

I was too late.

My body tensed. My fingers got all sweaty and my heart was going a mile a minute as my gaze focused in on a pair of large bushes at the edge of the meadow.

What’s it going to be? A mutated bear, a creepy axe murderer, my fourth-grade teacher, a…

My heart stopped.

It was a unicorn.[19]

The fuck? I guess that explained the music, but damn.

I think my mouth would have fallen open if my teeth weren’t locked together with more fishing wire. The unicorn wasn’t just any old white horse with a swirly spike on its head. This creature was literally the second most beautiful thing I’d ever seen in my life (the first being the god-made sunrise earlier). Built more like a deer than a bulky horse, its horn, mane, and hooves were a bright gold while its fur was a softer hue.

That description makes the unicorn sound obnoxious and one-note, but it wasn’t. It was dainty, and elegant, and pure, and regal and fuck it, none of those words did it justice.

Let’s just say the unicorn was perfection itself.[20]

My right arm went up automatically as it came closer.

I knew this was a bad idea. The unicorn’s horn looked deadly sharp, but as it was with dreams, my body didn’t give a damn about my better judgment.

I needed to touch this unicorn, so all I could do was reach for the divine creature and stare into its fathomless eyes. They were so dark, vast, and beautiful, like a moonless night’s sky.

I couldn’t look away.

Then the unicorn got close enough to brush its head against my palm and I was done. Resistance was futile. I belonged to this goddamn unicorn now come what may.

“Virtuous maiden,” my new overlord and master said, in a melodious voice that somehow perfectly matched the soft rock music around us, “Your virginal long-suffering soul calls to us.”

I nodded dumbly. Sure thing, I was virtuous and long-suffering and whatever. I would be a fucking pink princess if it made this creature like me.

The unicorn knelt beside me. “We will rest here a while. You may stroke our illustrious mane.” They laid their head on my knees and closed their eyes.

I shivered. I did not understand why it felt so pleasurable to have the unicorn in my lap. Perhaps it was the creature’s fur. It was softer than the lightest pillow.

Perfect.

I stroked the unicorn and was lulled into a happy contentment. This was exactly how I always imagined a girl’s hair would feel like. My mind went to Annabeth’s long blonde locks. I could remember that hug she and I had shared. The ends of her tresses had touched my shoulders and back. I could imagine her now, laying here instead of this unicorn. I could…

Suddenly, the unicorn’s nostrils flared. I felt their entire body seize up and I knew I had somehow fucked up.

“There has been a mistake,” the unicorn said.

They lifted their head to look at me. Their eyes were cold as ice. The temperature dropped and all around us, the flowers began to wither and die. “You are no pure-hearted maiden,” the unicorn declared.[21]

“Hsh?” I managed to grit out between my clenched teeth and I realized the unicorn was right. My voice was far too deep to be called girly.

Fuck me.

The unicorn shot up to their feet and trilled at me. Then they stretched and there was three and then five of them surrounding me instead of just the one.[22] Each had their horns pointed at me. “What fool trick is this!” they rang out, the wind picking up around us.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

I felt stupid ass tears sting my eyes and it wasn’t just because of the wind. I was so fucking done with everything. “I don’t know! Please, just give me a fucking break!” Is what I meant to say, but with my teeth forcibly bound my impassioned plea became a bunch of shushing and grunting sounds.

If I had been lucky, this would have meant that the unicorns could not understand me, but I was never lucky, so they shrieked, “You dare mention the forbidden act in our presence!”

Then they reared up and let out a high pitch whinny. “Die, Cyprian!”[23]

Why?

I lifted up my arms into a defensive position and shut my eyes, wishing to God that I was New Moon, Percy Jackson, or literally anyone else but me right now.

Footnotes

[1] Yes, friends, Peter has finally returned!

[2] Yeah…um, he might have some things to work out…At least, his epithets for Apollo are in English. Makes my job easier.

[3] Also, no rape! I could not say anything before because of spoilers, but man was I relieved when I re-read this part and confirmed that we were rape-free. Huzzah! Just normal everyday torture, folks, and it’s too painful for Peter to remember properly so that’s an extra plus.

[4] This one confused me. Apparently ever since Homer, Apollo is the god who made mortals aware of their own guilt and purified them of it. I guess it’s vaguely related to his healing powers, but it seems pretty random to me.

[5] Arse is a British word for butt.

[6] My Delta Reader claims that these are four of the Criticism Stones. The other two are pacing and tone.

[7] I get you, Apollo. Just wanted to say I’m a real fan of this poem. Unlike most of Apollo’s material, I think this might actually be good. This is one of the many ways this fic’s Apollo differs from the standard PJO one.

[8] Peter is too out of it to point out how OOC Apollo’s poem is.

[9] Yeah. It’s not just Peter. This fic, in general, has opinions on HoO, but more on that later.

[10] Apollo’s Roman epithet is Phoebus according to the PJO wiki. Phoebus means bright or shiny.

[11] Some of you might remember the quest Percy got from Mars aka Roman Ares in Son of Neptune, but just in case, here it is:

1. Go to Alaska.
2. Find Thanatos and free him.
3. Come back by sundown on June twenty-fourth or die.

Yeah…not exactly an inspired piece of prose. Very Ares or…Mars, I guess.

[12] I wonder how many Greek Gods call the Roman kids Martians for the worship of Roman Ares aka Mars.

[13] Apparently, Apollo is also the god of flocks and herds.

[14] Ah, there it is. It’s so good to hear Peter swearing and cursing as per usual.

[15] Is this perhaps related to the fact that Mr. D. did time as a girl in some myths? That might be what gives him his immunity to Andi’s wiles. Food for thought.

[16] See the next footnote.

[17] I checked. These are all flowers found in Yellowstone during the summer months and yes, I am still aware it is supposed to be winter.

[18] This is just a theory. (A fic theory!) Uh-hem…anyway, I think Peter was having those dreams because of his makeover. Drowning sounds a lot like what might happen if people gave you a bath while you were unconscious and a lot of his dreams seem to have things touching him, so that is my headcanon.

[19] Major Artistic License. See the next footnote.

[20] So, yeah. Let’s talk about this one. Most of the time, I can see where the authors are coming from with their alternative interpretations, but this is very loose indeed. The Ceryneian Hinds are female deer with golden horns or antlers (in almost always plural) and bronze hooves and dappled fur. There is no mention of them having manes. I saw some descriptions of the hinds being “golden-horned”, but nowhere did it say explicitly that they only have one horn. My guess is that the authors saw the “golden-horned” description and just ran with it. Of course, there’s the whole thing about mythological beings in the PJO universe taking on their own shapes and interpretations, so you can technically get away with anything, but yeah. There’s your fact check.

[21] The characters have their opinions, but I think it’s rather ambiguous whether Peter failed due to not being pure-hearted or not being a maiden. What say you?

[22] This is a cool detail to me because, in mythology, there are five Ceryneian hinds. Four of them pull Artemis’s chariot while one roams free. This is the one Heracles tried to capture in his 12 labors. I like the idea that during the day, at least, all the deer are roaming free.

[23] Cyprian is a word for a prostitute and it also refers to um… the orgiastic worship of Aphrodite in Cyprus, so yeah…

Chapter Text

Chapter 28: The Whacky Wayward Wiggles Weigh In [1]

(Andi)

I had really hoped that Zoë was not like other girls. Even though she was a bit boring and very old-fashioned, she had her own Grover in the form of Bianca, gave me the best nickname, wasn’t snotty or catty to me, and spoke sense 2/3 of the time.[2] She also knew how to apologize, spot a god and/or hot guy, hunt and gather, and how to roast a duck like a pro, but as I keep trying to tell Daddy, girls who don’t have my:

• peachy attitude,
• compassion,
• loyalty,
• nobility,
• intelligence,
• beauty,
• charm,
• sizable bosoms,
• pedigree,
• fighting prowess,
• patience,
• charisma,
• perseverance,
• cute nose,
• street smarts,
• empathy,
• perfect skin,
• wisdom,
• honesty,
• dedication,
• scent,
• modesty,
• insider information,
• sun-kissed freckles,
• sophisticated fashion sense,
• full lips,
• bravery,
• creativity,
• promise-keeping skills,
• shiny hair,
• fortitude,
• confidence,
• beguiling eyes,
• integrity,
• leadership abilities,
• ideal body,
• self-awareness,
• diligence,
• grace,
• strength,
• sweet temper,
• caring nature,
• superior vocabulary,
• endless humility, and…

Wowzahs! [3]

Sometimes even I forget just how awe-inspiringly amazingly Poppins I am![4]

I’m the BEST!

Unfortunately, being the best meant I was basically at the 99.999999999999999999999^th percentile while every other Jane was jelly or jammed about being plain unsliced Wheaties.[5] I wanted to share my exquisite marvelous wonderfulness. Boy howdy did I! But people, especially other girls, just weren’t ready or able to learn my teachings.

I thought that this time was the time. I thought Zoë was different. For nearly an entire afternoon, I really thought I had cured Zoë of her worse flaws, and that she would finally be ready to be a proper quest-mate and possibly if the stars aligned on a perigee-syzygic Long Nights Moon that she would become my BFFF.[6]

Because I was a jim-dandy quest mate, I set Zoë up for success with a feel-Andi-good hug and a job I knew she could do.[7] I let Zoë work on the hind trap and gather herbs and things because for a Hunter with hundreds of years of experience, I realized she had no experience in what truly mattered for today’s tricky-wicky obstacle: modern fashion.[8]

On another time when I was not so crunched, I’d teach her how to dress like the best.[9] For now, though, I contented myself with knowing that my top-notch foresight and leadership skills enabled Zoë to find us a jolly good hunting spot. It was a beautiful meadow that had pretty posies and rosies all in our toesies and a lone log in the center that hollered: Mount a virgin on me![10]

Being the gracious lady that I was, I lionized Zoë for following my super helpful instructions before I got back to my important work.[11] While I had secured Peter to the log and made sure Peter’s posture and the angle of his head had just the right amount of come hither with Hicky’s and Apian’s help, Bianca, Grover, Mark, and Shane had tuned the instruments and Zoë had finalized her trap.

Exactly 2 ke later, everyone seemed all hot to trot.[12] Apian was on the violin. Hicky was on the lyre. Mark and Shane were on backup vocals. Grover had his pipes. Bianca surprised me by taking the drums. Zoë was on triangle and trap duty and I was on lead vocals, sound mixing, and photography. It was my job to make it seem like my voice was coming from Peter and to control the volume of the other instruments so they weren’t too loud all while taking pictures of Peter and singing the best girl cover of the Last Unicorn anyone has or will ever hear in this lifetime.

I had looked around at everyone. They had all nodded, including Zoë, so I had counted us off and then began my sacred duty to make the muses cry. [13]

All was bright and clear. Everyone was rocking and popping and I was giving my all while Peter woke up, the hind showed up, and Peter made first contact.

By the time, Peter was stroking the hind’s fur, it seemed like not even the sun could outshine us. Then I sang:

“When the last moon is cast,”

The hind suddenly got up and I shivered at the sudden cold as 1 hind turned into 5 hinds, each of them harmonizing like I thought only Kian could.

I smiled. This was it. All five hinds were here!

When I looked over to Zoë, she too was watching Peter and the hinds. She had this intense grin on her face. At first, I thought she also was jazzed to see our prey, but then I tried to get her attention and she refused to look at me.

It was the SMITHSONIAN AIR AND SPACE MUSEUM ladybirds all over again!

Zoë was too engrossed in my superior singing and the rocking mood to do anything but watch Peter and listen to my heavenly voice. Normally, that would be fine and dandy, but she was the one holding the trigger on the trap and she had just missed her cue to ring the triangle!

Grover and even Bianca were outperforming Zoë right now. The two of them and Westlife had their eyes closed and were lost to the music.

I would have groaned over Zoë going into Mr. D. levels of friend failure, except I was still singing my heart out like a proper star. It felt icky and tepid to cut my stellar performance short, but when Zoë missed another cue and the hinds started singing offkey, I decided the world simply wasn’t fit for my Sirius A+ Scuti one-day-band female cover of the Last Unicorn.[14]

After I finished the next lyric, I flicked my wrist and used my wind powers to cut the invisible line to set off Zoë’s trap right as the hinds let out a collective shriek. [15]

Before a second had passed, the hinds were flung into the air. I watched with dull acceptance as they were pulled into the forest trees. Each hind ended up suspended in midair with their legs sticking out of invisible harnesses made of Hunter string so it looked like they were magic reindeer without a slay. There was even snow on the ground now to help with the effect.

Satisfied that they were caught, I threw a gust of wind in the air that eliminated the sound of music and yelled, “Cut!”

Then I turned to Zoë who was looking cut up that the show was over.[16] She was not the only one. Everyone was coming out of their music daze.

“Zoë,” I said as cold as the breath-fogging air around us.

She stopped staring at Peter and turned to me. I saw how flushed her cheeks were. She must be pink with embarrassment.[17] “Yes, Lady Andi?” she said in a low voice.

“I know my singing combined with the sight of a girl Peter and the hinds was a cosmic phenomenon,” I said reasonably, “so I’m not mad at you, I’m just massively disappointed. You’re our quest leader, Zoë. What would have happened if I had not gone rogue and stepped in?” I shook my head. “I expect better from you.”

“Lady Andi,” Zoë’s cheeks flushed a deeper red before she bowed deeply and said in a tight voice, “My apologies. I meant no-”

I held up a hand to forestall her. “You, Bianca, and Grover should ready the hinds for mounting since you all speak deer. While you do that, I want you to think about your actions. TTYL.[18] I’m gonna go check on Peter.”

I left our distractible and incompetent leader open-mouthed and marched through the snow and over to Peter. He was in a ‘don’t splash me with water I just got dry’ position and for the 3 horrid Heleks it took for me to reach him, I chewed on the nasty notion that Peter might be frozen.[19]

Again!

But then I tapped his arm lightly and he flinched and let out a strange gurgling sound.

Yuppie!

That was Peter alright!

I smiled and made it extra big. I knew I could do this. Peter Johnson was just another boy. I didn’t even have a crush on him or anything. I was perfectly swell, straight, and non-wiggly.[20]

I said peachfully, “Hi Peter. Thank you so much for offering to be our virgin maiden.” I gestured at the captured hinds that were still screaming in the trees like toddlers in a grocery store. “The plan worked like a charm.”

Peter put down his arms and stared up at me with wide eyes. He was amazed.

Goody Gumdrops! I was doing it.

“Yuppers,” I confirmed confidently, “I did a terrific job and you helped!”

Peter continued to gape at me. His gaze went between me and the hinds. He was still speechless.

Then Hicky came up next to me and said helpfully, “You might want to get Peter off that log.”

I smacked my head. “Silly me!” I said normally with a super unawkward wiggly-free laugh.

I bent forward and attacked the knots as Hicky murmured to Peter, “If you lift your tongue to the roof of your mouth, you’ll feel much better.”[21]

“Oh! Do you have a brain freeze?” I asked Peter, making totally normal straightforward casual conversation with the boy I’d put in a coma. Everything was atm.[22]

“I’ve never had a brain freeze,” I added, giving the knots a final tug and freeing Peter, “but I hear they are horrible.”

“Yeah,” Hicky agreed, “I can remember Nicky getting them. They suck.”

I stood up.

Peter was still watching me in awe. Was he envious that I had never had a brain freeze? Was he still having a brain freeze himself? He wasn’t moving. It was so cold out here! What if his brain freeze had spread and he’d just been fully refrozen!

But then, Peter blinked, so never mind.

I was such a silly-willy, but it was part of my expansive charm.[23] I smiled even wider and said with the exact right amount of good cheer and volume, “You’re free now, Peter. You can get up.”

Peter didn’t get up. Instead, he said in this wispy croak, “Are…you real?”

Um…that was a complicated philosophical queen of a quandary that I was not prepared for this afternoon.[24] I glanced at Hicky wondering if he could answer Peter’s cuckoolier than usual question.[25]

“We’re as real as you are!” Apian called, coming over. “Welcome to the land of Sunshine, Peter. So glad you said you’d be up for all this before.” Apian winked at Peter.

And just like that, I had the wiggles.[26] They began at the bottom of my belly, but they were not too bad yet. I looked back at Peter and spoke slowly and carefully, hoping that I could lull the wiggles back to sleep by confirming, “You did agree to this, right?”

“Of course, he did,” Hicky said, wilily. “Poor Peter is just in shock.”

“Oh yeah, Peter told me himself,” Apian added.

I wanted to believe them, but Peter was being so quiet and withdrawn. Every other time Peter had been this quiet with me, something bad had happened. The wiggles squiggled. “Peter?” I asked.

Peter stared at Apian, Hicky, and then me. Then he slowly nodded.

“There’s a good lad,” Apian said clapping Peter on the back. “You had my flower worried for a bit, but you’re alright mate.[27] Breathe in that winter air.” Apian turned to me and said reassuringly, “He’s fine.”

“He’s probably just jittery from being dolled up in his sleep,” Hicky added, somewhat less suspiciously.

I nodded. “I see. I had not thought of that,” I said, thoughtfully and the wiggles too wondered over this new information. While they were working on it, I tried to fill myself with beans instead and said wirily, “It was worth it!”[28] Then I weaved past Apian and Hicky and presented my camera to Peter.

“Look!” I cried, warmly. I showed Peter a photo of himself waiting prettily on the log as the hind approached offscreen. “Aren’t you a pretty princess?” I said, not at all frantically.

Peter’s eyes focused on the photo.

“I worked steely hard,” I added.[29] “There was a whole sequence and everyone, even Zoë, Bianca, and Grover, were involved.”

There was a pause. I kept expecting Peter to smile or swear or something. I had this whole plan that after Peter wondered at how wonderful he looked and was all smiley, I’d surprise him with a wicked awesome merry cherry heart-to-heart pathosberry impromptu apology.[30] I had been so sure that between the hinds and the makeover, he would be at least a tiny bit impressed. Grover had told me that Peter geeked out over the littlest things at camp.

However, Peter’s face was very still from the non-jittery coma jitters, I guess. I wondered if maybe I should have had Grover do this, just like maybe I should have let Grover invite Peter on the quest.

“Peter?” I asked as my wiggles started to jiggle again. But before I could ask Peter if he was okay, and how he felt and whether he wanted a mirror or to see more pictures to admire his new beauty and understand my great feat, Bianca, with her usual bad timing, shouted, “Move it, Andi! The Hinds are trying to escape!”

I turned in surprise and straightening relief and shouted back, “Did you just get my name right?”

“No!” Bianca shouted, ever forgetful. “Now move it, ANN-DYE!”

I turned back to Peter and said, “We better go,” I held out my hand to him before I remembered our hug and Peter’s reaction. For whatever weirdo reason, Peter didn’t like to be touched.

Daises and dots![31]

I bit my lip and my wiggles hopped and popped, once again expecting Peter to start swearing, slap my hand away, or point out the coma thing, but I guess we were all forgetful today because Peter took. My. Hand!

I pulled him up and over to the hinds. They were still screaming in deer, but I couldn’t understand them. I waved for Peter to take the most winsome hind.

Peter looked a little pale, but he climbed on really gracefully which surprised me and the wiggles. These were whacky jitters. Shouldn’t he be shaking and quaking or shivering and quivering?

“Peter, I know what Apollo and Hermes said, but are you sure that you’re okay?” I asked, worriedly. “And don’t just nod. Please. Say something.” Anything was better than this silent squiggly wiggly in my miggly anticipation.[32]

Peter looked at me and his sea-green eyes reminded me of Percy’s like he’d seen something he shouldn’t have. Then Peter said in a hollow voice, “I’m alright, Sunshine, just…tired.”

There. He said he was alright and he called me Sunshine. That was a bit better, wasn’t it? And despite all the beauty sleep he got, Peter did look worn, weathered, and wane, like really wane, like more wane than Hades wane.

“Okie Dokie!” I said as swelly as I could while ignoring my clinging springing wiggles. I told Peter, “I’ll talk to you later then?”

Peter nodded, but he wasn’t looking at me. His gaze looked far away.

I really wanted to give him a hug, but…no. I should not risk it, not with the wiggles and our colored past. Instead, I climbed onto my own hind. Before I could look at Peter one more time, the five of us were off.

Hicky was right about one thing. The hinds were really really fast like faster than a bird or a plane. They might even be faster than me.[33] It had only been a jīng and we had left the snowy woods and entered the wide-open flat desertic square states of America.[34]

I rode in front followed by Zoë, Bianca, Grover, and finally Peter. I looked back at Peter. He still looked wane, pale, and possibly sick. What if he was catching a cold? I’d never had one, but I heard they were horrible, worse than even brain freeze.

I wanted to check on Peter and talk to him more but…

Peter said he was tired and I still had the wiggles. Every time, I thought of talking to Peter, they started to do the foxtrot in my belly. I hearted classical dance, but I was never a foxtrot fan. A waltz or a rain dance, that was swimming, but this was drowning…

Well maybe not that parlous, but it kept getting worse, like trying to confess to Luke times e.[35] Maybe I should eat something. Sometimes that helped. Food was…

Oh! Oh! SpaghettiO![36]

Food!

The wiggles stopped for lunch because they knew what I knew. Peter was probably pale with hunger. Lots of people got quiet when their tum-tum was empty. Plus, nothing said, ‘I’m sorry I broke into your cabin, forced a feel-Andi-good hug on you that you did not want for some weirdo reason, and then put you in a coma for your safety without your permission, but I gave you a makeover and a magical afternoon to make amends for my sins, so let’s kiss and make up’ like some tasty tidbits![37]

I used my wind powers to increase my hind’s drag and slow it down, so I was in line with Grover. He had all the non-Hunter stuff in his pack. I think there were still some cookies left from the lunch that Hicky gave me.

Grover had once told me that Peter loved cookies. They would be the whipped cream and chocolate sauce on my makeup with Peter sundae. Thus, when I got close to Grover, I jauntily ordered, “Grover, hand me the pack.”

Grover did not hand me the pack. He just whimpered.

I frowned at Grover. I had been pretty busy talking with Westlife, forgiving Hicky, giving Peter his makeover, stopping Zoë from messing up, and then it had taken me a while to decide to talk to Peter again.

That meant I had left Grover under minimal supervision for…over a kilominute???[38]

Jiminy Cricket, I had a wad feeling about this![39]

“Grover,” I asked dreadingly, “what did you do?”

“Nothing!” he yelped, lyingly.

I wrapped air around us to create a sound-muffling bubble around us to make sure the others would not hear. “Grover,” I said in a wrathful dangerous voice that promised to shave his hairy goat legs if he tried anything remotely comic, “Don’t make me ask again.” [40]

“I’m sorry!”  he wailed, wimpily. “I just was so busy jamming out on the pipes before and then, Bianca started yelling at us to go and…and…”

“And what?” I prompted, not liking this at all.

“I forgot the pack!” he wailed, woefully.

I facepalmed so hard that I think my hind felt it. I could not leave Grover alone for a single day!

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

“Sorry?” I demanded.

Grover was always sorry. He had been sorry when I caught him stalking me, sorry when I found him stealing my underwear, sorry each and every time he interrupted me and Luke sharing a moment, sorry when he told us we should ditch Nico and Bianca, sorry when he got seduced by Aphrodite, sorry when Annabeth betrayed me, sorry when he ditched us to search for Pan, and when Luke disappeared because of him all he could say was…[41]

Sorry!

I felt my hair crackle. I growled, “Do you think saying sorry is the solution to everything, Grover? Do you think if you feel bad enough, it will undo all the trouble You caused!”

“Hey!” a voice called over my glowing wrath. “Is all well?” [42]

I turned and saw Peter. ‘Hey, is all well’ were the first words he’d spoken since he told me he was alright but tired. Of course, he’d be speaking for Grover’s sake and not mine.

GRR!

But Peter was staring at me. He couldn’t hear me, but he could still see me. I knew what I probably looked like, crackling hair and storm gray eyes.

I smiled as wide as I could and waved at Peter. Then I removed the air block, so Peter could hear me. “Everything is just swell,” I said very convincingly.

Then I immediately adjusted the air pressure around us again and whirled around to glare at Grover. Grover was so lucky Luke and Peter liked him, but what about me?

How was I supposed to apologize to Peter without food or…

Oh.

Oh no.

Oh no woe foe show.

Peter! His clothes! His sword!

Fiddlesticks in a handbasket, this was wadder than wad!

“Do you think Westlife might be able to give us our stuff back?” Grover whimpered foolishly.

“No!” I snapped. I didn’t need his whacko words. “Now, shush it, Grover.” I needed to...thwink.[43]

I held my womach and thought weal quick.[44] Westlife was going to Seattle, but they wight still be in WELLOWWONE WATIONAL WARK.[45] Wayhap, I could get back there before wey weft?[46]

But that would wean a wot of backtwacking and everyone knew it was tewpting the fates to backtwack on qwests.[47]

Okay, next option.

I could wide my hind to Seattle using my wind powers to accelewate us as fast as possible.[48] That wight work, but I didn’t know whewe in Seattle to go.[49] And it would be an unsanctioned wide quest.[50] It wasn’t as wad as wacktracking, but the fates would not be on why wide either.[51] Thewe would be no convenient wun-ins or anything like that.[52] I would be wandering the city fowever and I only had houws.[53]

Okay. Okay. So, that was a no-go. What else? What else!?

I put both my hands to my tewples and pwessed why head for wanswers.[54] I wished Luke was whewe, or Nico, but t’was whonly we and why walways whad way wawootion.[55]

Walways.[56]

While why pwessed hawd wrestling with the wily whacky willful wayward wiry wobbly writhing whopping wringing winding wild warped wiggles, wisdom wandered wits way win.[57]

Why wid wot wike wa wawootion, but the wiggles waned, wilted, and withered without me willing them to.[58] They weened this whim of mine was swell.[59]

I let my hands drop and let out a woeful whisp of a wail as Grover whimpered and watched, helping no one, not even the wiggles.

I was off-script and off-quest and this weighty whim was what I had.[60] It would require sacrifice, but friendship was all about sacrifice. I knew that. The wiggles knew that and so did Luke. He wouldn’t wonder at my choice. No, he’d be proud of me.

I hope.

I left Grover and Peter’s watching wiggle-inducing eyes without another word. Using my wind powers, I forced my hind to go back to the front of the group and I kept going until there were a couple of miles between me and Zoë. Then I removed the muffled air effect and murmur sang my super-secret code:

“Bygones. Bygones. You say bygones.

With presents, the past may move on.

Bygones. Bygones. You say bygones.

So, let us discuss how to move on.”

Hermes’s silky radio announcer voice was in my ear, saying, “Miss me already?”

After hearing Hermes use Nicky’s vocal cords, hearing Hermes’s natural voice and knowing he was floating invisibly beside me was not posh, dandy, or even swell.

I frowned hard and ignored how wrathful I was feeling at Hermes, Grover, and everyone else involved with Luke’s disappearance.

This was about Peter and making sure I never let him down like I had let down Luke.

I pushed the air pressure to maximum muffle and said, all business-like, “Hey bro, I’m calling in another favor. Grover left our stuff back in YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK. Could you pretty please drop it off at our next stop?” I knew Hermes knew where we were going even if no one else did.[61]

Hermes sucked in air between his teeth. “Hun-bun…”

“Bro,” I said, warningly.

“You know, I love you to pieces and would do any ol’ thing within my powers to make Your Graciousness, the peachiest personage in Georgia, but there are rules,” he said, ignoring my warning.[62] “I can’t blatantly help you out when you’re on a quest. Big Daddy and the rest of the fam, including Great Uncle Helly, are watching.[63] You know what a gossip he is. If we weren’t being so sneaky, they would all already be listening right now.”

A pox on the rules and Big Daddy and Great Uncle Helly![64]

“All I know is that I’m watching you,” I threatened in my dangerous voice. “You’re on Charlotte thin ice and I’m one hot tamale, so you better stop giving me excuses and start giving me solutions.[65] Stat!”

“I get you, I do,” Hermes relented, suspiciously, “but have you considered just telling the kid that your satyr mucked up?”

“Bro,” I said unansweringly, “Have you considered not insulting my intelligence and giving me a good solution?”

“Insulting your…I would never,” he blustered, insultingly. “I just…”

“Now, Bro!”

“I see you are most determined, my illustrious lady,” the god spoke quickly. “There is indeed a way for you to acquire what you seek.”

“Goody,” I declared, without my usual cheer.

“But,” he continued, “it’s kinda…drastic. Are you sure you are up for such a perilous—”

“Yes!” I snapped.

Hermes just didn’t understand! My decision had been made when I had called in my favor. Peter was acting all wonky, saying stuff like ‘is all well’ which sounded way more like Zoë than his usual weirdo naughty self.

The wiggles wanted to know where all the censored language and wacko mood swings had gone. Because unless my superior tailoring had exceeded even my expectations and completely overwritten Peter’s personality, I did not see where all this character development could have come from.[66]

I didn’t wike it. I didn’t wike it won wiffy of a wit.[67]

The unsinkable Andi-Peter HMS Friend had enough icebergs to deal with, so I was not going to fish out another berg by having Grover tell Peter his stuff was missing right after Peter just woke up from the coma I put him in.[68] Not everyone could pull off wearing the same outfit for days at a time like I could. Peter was not that fashion-forward. If he ever got back to his normal self, he would probably get miffy and rightfully blame me for not keeping a closer eye on Grover and fulfilling my promise to have this quest be an un-regrettable, healingful, friend-making journey that was the funest, most fulfilling, most spinetinglingly thrilling thing ever!

Hicky said that Apian said that Peter said that Peter was not angry, but it did not matter. It was my job to use my mini master bolt wisely and not electrocute my friends, just like it was my job to look after Grover and Peter and Nico and Luke and Zoë and Bianca.

I was the daughter of Zeus. I was the powerful and nearly perfect one. I was the one who always had a solution and the one who always kept her promises.

Unlike Grover, Hermes, Zoë, and other chronically flawed un-super-people, I didn’t want to rely on excuses or begging for forgiveness. I was spiderier than that.[69] Because of my Peter, I had learned that:

A truly sweet apology required truly sweet acts of candied flavored favors of goody goodness![70]

A makeover and a once in a lifetime encounter with a rare mythological creature that was a Luke of Biancas more stunning than an actual unicorn, that was some coco moo-moo and gingersnap Merry Christmas cookies, but returning triumphantly with Peter’s things after a dangerous side quest than even a God was hesitant to speak of, now that was an Orange Nectarine Cumin Pie![71]

Everyone loved Orange Nectarine Cumin Pie, even Mr. D., and girls.

I was beautifully sure that if I baked the goods, Peter would have to see that we were better off as friends and tell me so in his own probably obscenely profane words![72] That was worth some drastically perilous measures!

I was gonna do that twice over and cut through things when the time came for me to apologize to Luke. That’s why I was going to find him, keep my promise, figure out how to break Aphrodite’s curse, and earn my happy ending with my prince charming in shiny hair![73] And when I did, I was positive that a properly clothed Peter would be there too!

I felt pinker, peachier, and straight-up wiggless when I briskly ordered Hermes to “Tell me what I have to do.”

“Very well, my lady,” Hermes said dutifully before he whispered a secret that not even the nosiest god could hear.

At the end of his instructions, I nodded and said, primely, “Roger that.”[74]

After that, I slowed down my hind one more time to sidle up to Bianca. First things first, I needed to ask her about something.[75]

Footnotes

[1] I like to call this chapter: The Return of the ~Wiggles~!

You know when you re-read/re-watch something and you’re like: Oh yeah…this one. This chapter was that for me. No trigger warnings are needed. This one is just…very Andi.

[2] So, I was curious about Andi’s claim of Zoë making sense to her 2/3 of the time. I think it goes like this.

In the nonsense category:

1. Zoë refused to invite Peter on the quest
2. Zoë wanted to befriend the ladybirds
3. Zoë freaked out when Andi stunned the ladybirds
4. Zoë did not want Peter to be made into a virginal maiden

On the sense category:

1. Zoë shut Bianca up so Andi could fight the lion
2. Zoë praised Andi for defeating the lion
3. Zoë (eventually) apologized and then praised Andi for defeating the ladybirds
4. Zoë praised Andi's choice of quest direction
5. Zoë accepted a ride from Westlife
6. Zoë identified Apollo
7. Zoë praised Andi for insulting Hermes
8. Zoë praised Andi’s work in giving Peter a makeover

So yeah, I might be missing some things but that would put us at 2/3.

[3] Wowzahs! That indeed was a lot of fine qualities (44 to be precise). Also, wowzah (there is no plural form) = wow + yowzah. And Yowzah basically means wow. So Wowzah is kind of like saying double wow. I think it’s safe to say, Andi is in a good mood.

[4] I think Poppins is a reference to Mary Poppins who is practically perfect in every way.

[5] Andi used too many nines. It should probably be more like 99.99999999 which would make Andi like 1 in 10 billion. She’s probably saying Jane as in Plain Jane which is kind of like the female version of an average Joe. It means a very normal and somewhat homely person. Jelly probably means jealous here. I’m not sure what jammed means, maybe just angry? Wheaties is a boring breakfast cereal made from wheat. The term ‘unsliced’ (Wheaties should be sliced) is probably a reference to saying that some random thing “is the best thing since sliced bread”.

[6] The stars or planets aligning is a rare event in plenty of fantasy stories. A Long Nights Moon is a full moon in December. The perigee-syzygy of the Earth-Moon-Sun system means a Supermoon which is a moon that looks bigger because of its relation to the sun and earth. Basically, if they get lucky, Andi would allow Zoë to be her BFFF which probably means best female friend forever.

[7] Jim-dandy means excellent or notable. It can be an adjective or a noun.

[8] Tricky-Wicky is a song by Cobario. It’s pretty good if you like guitar and violin.

[9] Crunched as in time-crunched which means there’s not a lot of time. Also, imagine if Zoë dressed as ‘sophisticated’ as Andi does i.e. a t-shirt and cut-off jeans.

[10] I’m not sure about the rosies, posies, and toesies. The closest thing that I can find is the classic nursery rhyme about the black plague (Yes, I said plague. Look it up):

Ring around the rosie

Pocket full of posies

[11] Lionize means to praise someone in front of a crowd.

[12] Ke is a Chinese unit of time. It’s 1/100 of a day or 14 minutes 24 seconds. Hot to trot means keen to do something (usually sex).

[13] This was originally a much longer section with Andi describing everything, but there was hardly any new info and the descriptions are very similar to Peter’s, so with my Delta Reader’s blessing, I decided for once to save y’all the trouble and boredom and cut it. Forgive me. Below is the only new info we got, the pertinent lyrics to the Last Unicorn:

When the last eagle flies

Over the last crumbling mountain

And the last lion roars

At the last dusty fountain

In the shadow of the forest

Though she may be old and worn

They will stare unbelieving

At the Last Unicorn

When the first breath of winter

Through the flowers are icing

And you look to the north

And a pale moon is rising

And it seems like all is dying

And would leave the world to mourn

In the distance hear her laughter

Of the Last Unicorn

I’m alive, I’m alive

[14] Sirius A is the brightest star in the galaxy. UY Scuti is arguably the largest star in the universe.

[15] I think the lyric she is speaking of is:

Over the last star of morning

[16] Cut up could be referring to Zoë being unhappy or it could mean she is behaving in a naughty or unruly way.

[17] Yeah…more on this later.

[18] TTYL means talk to you later.

[19] This is a new one, or an old one? A helek is a Babylonian time metric. 1 Helek is 1/18 of a minute so 3 Heleks is 10 seconds

[20] I don’t think Andi is referring to her sexual orientation here, but I could be wrong.

[21] I think we can guess who had Peter gagged.

[22] I assume she doesn’t mean an atm machine, so maybe she’s talking about atm as in Atmospheric pressure.

[23] I think instead of silly-willy she means silly-billy which is a synonym for a foolish person.

[24] I think (and this might be a stretch) but I think this is a reference to the Queen song Bohemian Rhapsody. The first lyric is:

Is this the real life?

[25] I assume she means cuckoolier as in the cuckoo and not, cuckolder or cuckold. Cuckoo refers to the bird or being crazy. Cuckold is a term for a man having an affair.

[26] One of the more questionable metaphors used in the Lightning Thief fic was the dreaded wiggles. I would compare it to 50 Shades of Grey’s inner goddess or Tiger’s Curse’s little love plant.

[27] According to Randy Feltface (No, that’s not a joke. Randy is a Muppet comedian), “You’re alright, Mate” can be a very passive-aggressive statement in some cultures. I am unsure whether this is true or if this was the reason why Alpha R used that phrase, but I thought it was worth noting.

[28] You may remember being full of beans is a phrase that means excited. Thus, I assume that Andi speaking wirily or being wired is also being used to describe Andi’s excitement.

[29] Steely instead of really because steel is hard, I guess.

[30] Uh…there is no such thing as a pathosberry. But pathos is the Greek argument style that focuses on appealing to emotion. As for the rest… cherries are sweet, so I guess Andi just wanted to give a super sweet and heartfelt apology.

[31] I assume this is a reference to Whoopsie Daisy which is a fancy way to say 'Oops', but Andi’s version is a new one for me.

[32] Miggly = middle + wiggles. It is the exception to the rule of wiggles. More on this below.

[33] I think this refers to the saying “It’s a Bird! It's a Plane! It’s Superman!” This classic Superman comic quote is also a Musical by David Newman and Robert Benton. Of course, for us, Andi is taking the place of Superman.

[34] Jīng is another Chinese length of time. It’s 1/10 of a day or 2 hours and 24 minutes. The desert square states are probably referring to Colorado and/or Utah.

[35] Parlous means dangerous and bad. As for the rest, Andi tried to confess to Luke nearly a dozen times in the Lightning Thief fic, but she was always interrupted, by Grover, Annabeth, or Bianca. ‘e’ or Euler’s number is a mathematical constant approximately equal to 2.71828. I’m surprised Andi knows this. I don’t remember learning about ‘e’ until college (though my Delta Reader tells me I probably learned it in high school). Yes, I’m a college grad and this is how I spend my time. Stay in school kids?

[36] The phrase is ‘Uh-oh SpaghettiOs’. It comes from a song written by (and I’m not making this up) Fun Kids Hip Hop Band.

[37] Out of context, this sounds horrible. That is all.

[38] A kilominute is not a real measure of time as far as I can tell, but it would be 1000 minutes or 16 hours and 40 minutes.

[39] Jiminy Cricket is Pinocchio’s conscience. Wad = wiggles + bad. Here is the standard wiggle dialect. We will be seeing more of this. Be prepared.

[40] I think this is a combo of Grover being comic relief and the phrase “don’t try anything funny,” which basically means follow my orders and don’t do anything I would not want you to do.

[41] So, my Delta Reader suggested more clarification here, so here I go. Most of these gripes are from the Lightning Thief fic. Grover was creeping on Andi at the beginning of the fic to recruit her. After it was known that Andi was Zeus’s daughter, Grover tried to steal her underwear for the good of the Andi fan club. Grover also cockblocked her and Luke (sometimes intentionally, but most of the time it was accidentally). Grover didn’t like Nico and Bianca because they smelled of death and Grover thought they might be spies for Hades, so Grover recommended leaving them behind. During the final confrontation between Aphrodite and Andi in the Lightning Thief fic, Grover was put under a love spell and taken hostage. Aphrodite used him to illustrate a point. She said that the only men who would ever love Andi would be like Grover and then the goddess explained that she cursed Andi to never have requited love. Raw moment. And then after Annabeth was revealed to be the spy, Grover apologized to Andi for encouraging her to trust Annabeth. Grover also tries to comfort Andi and Luke about Annabeth leaving, but they both get mad at him. In response, Grover goes off to search for Pan on his own leading to his capture in the Sea of Monsters fic. Then Luke was lost during the rescue mission and the rest as they say is history.

[42] I’m not sure why Andi can hear Peter, but he cannot hear her…I think this is probably a good old-fashioned plot hole. However, I do have another explanation which I will expand upon (you guessed it) later.

[43] And here we go, the wiggles have truly activated. It is time for the invasion of the w’s. The next few paragraphs and footnote 43(this one) to footnote 58 are all about the wiggles. So, since you’re already here, you might want to hang out for a bit to find out what Andi is saying.

First translation: I needed to...think.

[44] Translation: I held my stomach and thought real quick

[45] Translation: Westlife was going to Seattle, but they might still be in Yellowstone National Park.

[46] Translation: Mayhap, I could get back there before they left.

[47] Translation: But that would mean a lot of backtracking and everyone knew it was tempting the fates to backtrack on quests.

My thoughts on this one. I think this explains some things. I mean out-of-universe, it makes sense to not repeat locations, but in-universe, I would think having a network of safe places to stop at during quests or having the ability to go back to grab something useful would be standard procedure.

[48] Translation: I could ride my hind to Seattle using my wind powers to accelerate us as fast as possible.

[49] Translation: That might work, but I didn’t know where in Seattle to go.

[50] Translation: And it would be an unsanctioned side quest.

[51] Translation: It wasn’t as bad as backtracking, but the fates would not be on my side either.

[52] Translation: There would be no convenient run-ins or anything like that.

[53] Translation: I could be wandering the city forever and I only had hours.

[54] Translation: I put both my hands to my temples and pressed my head for answers.

[55] Translation: I wished Luke was here, or Nico, but it was only me and I always had a solution.

[56] Translation: Always.

[57] Translation: While I pressed hard, wrestling with the wiggles, wisdom wandered its way in.

[58] Translation: I did not like the solution, but the wiggles waned, wilted, and withered without me willing them to.

And that’s it for full-on wiggles…for now. Thank goodness. The full power of the wiggles is always a bit much, even for me.

[59] Ween means to have an opinion or to believe. Also, whim means an impulse but it can also mean an idea, usually a rash one.

[60] Hmm…more on this later.

[61] Because Hermes is the God of roads and travelers, I assume.

[62] The state of Georgia is known for its peaches here in the US.

[63] Great Uncle Helly is probably Helios.

[64] “A pox on” is part of a phrase from Romeo and Juliet. It’s an insult. I think it basically translates to: “Get sick and die.”

[65] Charlotte as in Charlotte’s Web, the book, and the web of the book’s titular character, Charlotte the spider. So, I guess Hermes is on spider web thin ice. Hot tamale is a type of food but also means an attractive person.

[66] Uh…I think she’s referring to the expression that the clothes make the man, so she’s wondering if her maiden outfit is encouraging Peter to act more like a Hunter.

[67] One more time. This translates to: I didn’t like it. I didn’t like it one jiffy of a bit

[68] All aboard the Friend Ship! HMS stands for Her Majesty’s Ship in many countries, though not in the US.

[69] Spiderier as in Spider-Man and the famous line: With great power comes great responsibility.

[70] Her (Our) Peter as opposed to Peter Parker aka Spider-Man.

Also, have I mentioned, my Delta Reader the witty and wise March4fun is writing a Spider-Man Hero Aca fic? Because he is and it’s full of wonderful characters: Old Man Tony Stark, the Last Avenger, is snarking. Jean Grey is trying to be her own person, instead of just Scott Summer’s girlfriend. A Tom Holland-like Peter is trying not to screw up his shot at being the number 1 hero. There’s a whole slew of other Marvel faces (Vice Principle Magneto, Teenaged Black Panther, Gwenpool, Groot, Ned, Hulkling, and more~) and all of them acting within the wicked cool Hero Aca premise of what happens when the mightiest hero, in a world of professional heroes and dastardly villains, has to retire and his successor is some wholesome greenhorn. Needless to say, it’s a ~super~ fic and that concludes my plug.

[71] Coco Moo Moo is another way to say chocolate milk. As for the Orange Nectarine Cumin Pie, I have literally never heard of one existing. Though a part of me wonders if this is a really bad pun for Gomen or Gomenosai which are both Japanese words for sorry.

[72] Beautifully sure instead of being pretty sure.

[73] Andi promised Luke that he would get to see Grover again in the Sea of Monster fic. Prince charming in shiny hair is probably a combo of the prince charming archetype and a knight in shining armor.

[74] Primely as in primed which means ready.

[75] I forgot how freaking long this chapter was. I blocked out the wiggles from my mind, I think. Anyway, another footnote record smashed for better or worse. Lastly, besides this footnote, we could not find a single reference to the Wiggles TV Show in this chapter which my Delta Reader finds weird.

Chapter Text

Chapter 29: The Sue Pulls A Gandalf[1]

(Peter)

I watched as Miss Sunshine used her overpowered demi-god abilities to ride around all day and talk to everyone except me.

“Paint a picture,” my unicorn steed said snidely. “It shall last longer and perhaps give your pitiful life the illusion of meaning.”

“Nobody fucking asked you,” I snarled.

The unicorn lifted its head to stab me again, but I’d gotten used to dodging and easily evaded its attempt.

I couldn’t believe I had been afraid of these mouthy bastards before. If I had realized that I was finally out of Apollo's nightmare theater, then I could have used my own demi-god powers to pull a Hama and steal water from the flowers around me to deal with these damn monsters.[2] Instead, I’d cowered like a total noob. I couldn’t imagine what New Moon would make of my actions…or rather I could, way too clearly, and it wasn’t good.

As if reading my thoughts, the unicorn said, “You are the worst type of scum.”

When I didn’t immediately protest, it went on to say, “Someday, you will fall in love, and then, as is right, your heart shall be broken into millions of shards that not even the most devoted mother could put back together and when that happens you will remember this day and know it was my divine will.”

“Would you just shut the fuck up?” I asked, before dodging yet another attack.

I swear the unicorn had been insulting me nonstop for hours. I was so done with these dumb creatures. When Miss Sunshine had appeared out of nowhere, whatever spell they had cast on me broke. I still saw them as beautiful, but I could now tell that they were pompous asses that thought I was the worst for cross-dressing and fooling them.

Cross-dressing wasn’t high on my list of likes either. Though after dying and suffering fates worse than dying, being forced to sit around in a pink dress was not worth getting pissed about. Not compared to the true troubles that plag—[3]

I scowled through another stomach-turning bout of nausea.

“You can feel your own wickedness roiling inside you,” the unicorn said.

“Why don’t you worry about your own fucked—” I leaned back to avoid the horn, “—up sense of morality?”

The unicorn angrily retorted to this challenge but I ignored it. Swearing at the animal helped keep me grounded. That didn’t mean I had to listen to every barb it threw my way. I had plenty of my own.

Speaking of guilt and self-loathing, I had the unpleasant task of seeking pardon from…

Asking forgi…

Apologizing!

I needed to apologize to Miss Sunshine. Except she was still talking with Bianca.

Earlier I had been so sure Miss Sunshine was coming over to speak with me, but then she’d stopped to talk to Grover. I didn’t envy him. The Sue had looked royally pissed. Obviously, I hadn’t exactly wanted to talk to her after that, but I didn’t even get the chance because she shot forward to the front of the group, and now she had decided to speak to Bianca of all people.

I wondered if they were talking about Bianca joining the Hunters like Percy and her did in Chapter 12.[4] It was a bit late for that. It seemed like these unicorns were taking the place of the Erymanthian Boar which was random, but I had more important shit to worry about than the strange substitutions this fic was making.

Since Miss Sunshine seemed too preoccupied for me to talk to her. I went back to the thoughts that helped me feel like myself without inducing homesickness i.e. PJO, Greek mythology, and trying to outsmart a plot twist. That’s right, I’d spent a lot of my free time mulling over the simple but all-important question of who the fuck New Moon was.

I just could not get over what Apollo had said before. I had spent like an entire year as New Moon. Ignoring the strangeness of me not knowing her name or identity automatically, I should have more than enough clues to figure it out.

I had several facts and conclusions thus far:

1. New Moon was a long way from her home. Either she was from an alternative timeline or my world or something. That would explain her talk with Hestia, the fact that her Thaila had a different father, why none of the gods here had a clue to who New Moon was, and why New Moon was being so secretive in the first place.
2. New Moon was probably not a goddess or nymph like Zoë. That’s why she called Artemis Lady Artemis and why she didn’t disappear during the end of the world.
3. New Moon is not a normal mortal or demigod either though? Besides being a hunter of Artemis, she didn’t freeze and Hestia implied she was special.
4. New Moon has pale skin that she doesn’t like. She mentioned this multiple times.
5. New Moon’s name might start with the letter N. There was no telling what Thalia was about to say, but it seemed likely.
6. New Moon was not trusted by the other hunters. New Moon might not be a goddess but she was old. She talked weird and just knew a lot of stuff (charming naiads, how to find hidden hot springs, the entrance to Atlantis, and the titan war). Despite her obvious experience, she wasn’t an officer for Artemis and she hadn’t been particularly liked before Annabeth and Thalia had arrived. That indicates that something probably happened in her past that made her untrustworthy or unwanted by the other Hunters.
7. New Moon was not interested in the upcoming titan war. Her actions seemed to be centered around assisting Annabeth and her belief that only I can help Annabeth for some reason.

I wish I had more to go on, but that was all I had been able to think of.

However, if I assumed New Moon’s true name started with an N, I could theorize a bit more. N names weren’t that popular in Greek Mythology, so if I was right and New Moon wasn’t a goddess or nymph that eliminated nearly everyone from both PJO and mythology. In fact, there was really only one famous mortal woman in Greek Mythology with a name that began with the letter N:

Niobe, Queen of Thebes.

She was the one who thought it was a good idea to say her children were better than Artemis and Apollo. In most myths, Artemis and Apollo straight-up murdered the entire family, but in some, a boy and a girl are either turned to stone or spared but marked for life by being turned a pale green color.

If New Moon’s name did start with an N, my guess was that she was a child of Niobe. It made perfect sense. The only problem was that this fic loved fucking with me, so I suspect—

“Hi Peter!”

God Damn it!

I whirled around just in time to see Miss Sunshine use her wind powers to clamp something onto my wrist.

“Please watch over this wrist wrapper for me,” she said quickly with that overly large smile of hers. “It was a gift.”

I tried to still my racing heart and said breathily, “Hey Sunshine.”

At this point, I knew I should launch into my apology. It was the other thing I had been thinking about all ride, but I hesitated.

I knew that it shouldn’t be a big deal and that Miss Sunshine was normally fairly easy to please and that my life might literally depend on me apologizing and that it was just the right thing to do, but…I don’t know. I just really didn’t want to, alright?

“Well,” Miss Sunshine said, lifting up her hand in a wave, “Ba—”

“Wait!” I said, doing my best to ignore my qualms about this whole apology thing, the bubbly feeling in my stomach, and my unicorn’s ongoing and unhelpful mutterings which is probably why my words came out sounding more New Moon-ish than I would like. Still, I managed to say, “I wish to talk with you.”

My reward for biting the bullet was this bit of nonsense. “Walk?” the Sue said, “Whoa! Right! Walking…”[5] Then she started giggling manically which was as creepy as it sounds.

“Uh, Sunshine,” I began because she was being weird even for her.

But the Sue didn’t let me finish. She just babbled, “Walk later, way be?”[6]

Okay…so she wanted to go on a walk later? Did she mean she wanted to chat then? “Alright,” I began, “but—”

“Wonderful,” she said, cutting me off, “Wiedersehen, Peter!”[7]

Wiedersehen? The fuck?

I wanted to question her further, but there was a gust of wind, and Sunshine’s unicorn stopped while mine kept going. I turned around and called to her, “Come back!”

The Sue didn’t seem to hear me. In fact, she was quickly becoming a speck. I watched her and her unicorn turn around and veer off to the southeast.

Where the hell was she going?

My unicorn spoke up again, saying, “Even tainted women draw away from your foul company. For even they have standards too high for the lowly dirt stain that you—”

“Would you just shut it!” I snapped, not bothering with swear words. “I get that you’re angry about the cross-dressing thing and giving us a ride,” I told the pissed-off golden horse, “but seriously how is it my fault that you approached me?”

“You sat in maidenly splendor. A lone girl who is dressed like that expects to be approached,” the unicorn said.

That drew my attention. I faced forward and leaned to the right to look the unicorn in the eye. “What you just said is supremely fucked—” I leaned further right to avoid its horn again, “—up.” The animal sounded exactly like the assholes who used to date my mom.

“You and your guttural tongue speak only filthy lies,” the unicorn retorted. “Someday you shall be buried—”

I ignored the rest of its slander and turned back to look for Miss Sunshine again. At first, I only saw the leavings of today’s sunset and more flat-ass desert, but then in the corner of my eye, I spotted something to the east heading towards us fast.

Good. She was…

Wait.

I squinted. That wasn’t Miss Sunshine and her unicorn. The dark object wasn’t tall enough and it was too wide. I stared as it got closer. It looked like a silver sports car.

Or no…

It was a giant…

Sleigh?

Shit.

I suddenly knew exactly what was barreling toward us.

“WATCH OUT!” I shouted, trying to force my unicorn to move out of the way.

The unicorn refused. “Retribution! Trash!” it cried before a harness appeared around its head and it jumped into the air. Suddenly, we were flying with Artemis’s sleigh behind us and I finally realized something.

“You’re not a unicorn,” I said.[8]

The not-unicorn let out a derogatory grunt and then it did a Star Fox barrel roll in mid-air.[9] It wasn’t the only one. Soon Grover, Zoë, Bianca, and I were all falling from our steeds, and to make things worse, cause why the fuck not?

We weren’t even heading for the ground. Instead, there was an ominous, square hole opening up before us.

“ANN-DYE!”

“I’m sorry!”

“Fuck!”

We plummeted through the hole and kept on going. Our screams echoed back at us. I made sure to keep my focus upward and moved my arms to see if there was any water nearby to work with. But since this was the fucking desert, nothing happened. All I could do was watch as the opening above us began to close.

The last thing I saw before I was totally engulfed in darkness was Artemis’s sleigh circling overhead with the four seriously misrepresented Ceryneian Hinds smiling smugly down at us and trilling with laughter.

Footnotes

[1] In the Hobbit by JRR Tolkien, Gandalf has a bad habit of just disappearing from the party to go do random stuff. The wizard gave no apologies for letting the weaker dwarves and titular hobbit, Bilbo, fend for themselves for a chapter or two.

[2] In Avatar the Last Airbender, Hama is a master water-bender of the southern water tribe. She mastered the art of blood bending. She also showed Katara (the water-bender of Team Avatar) how to drain the water from a field of flowers.

[3] Yeah, Peter is still suffering from New Moon-ism.

[4] Chapter 12 of PJO Titan’s Curse is called I Go Snowboarding With a Pig. The pig in the title is referring to the Erymanthian Boar. Poor Peter is seriously out of touch with the plot right now.

[5] More wiggles. Translation: “Talk? Oh! Right! Talking…”

[6] Translation: “Talk later, maybe?

[7] Wiedersehen is usually said as “Auf Wiedersehen” which means goodbye in German.

[8] To be fair to Peter, as a child of Poseidon, he should only be able to talk to horses. It makes sense that he’d assume these creatures that look like unicorns and talked like horses were unicorns.

[9] A Star Fox barrel roll is different than an actual barrel roll. Taken from the Star Fox wiki: An actual barrel roll is when a plane makes a complete rotation on its longitudinal axis while following a helical path (think DNA), approximately maintaining its original direction. It is sometimes described as a combination of a loop and a roll. However, in the Nintendo game, Star Fox, a barrel roll means doing a rapid Aileron Roll which is a full, 360-degree revolution about a plane’s longitudinal axis. Also, if you type ‘do a barrel roll’ into Google, something cool will happen. Try it!

Chapter Text

Chapter 30: Why Can’t We Be Friends?

(Andi)

I frowned up at the dark throne before me. As a child of Zeus, I have A LOT of half-siblings, over half of the Olympians and so many others.[1] I liked most of my god brothers and uncles. My goddess sisters were…less peachy. Artemis seemed okay if you’re into man-hating tomboys. Athena was Annabeth’s mom. And Aphrodite was a floozy grimalkin tart who made Athena’s jelly look like harmless honey.[2]

My aunties were the same. Hestia seemed like the nicest, in a spinstery way, while Demeter and Hera were the girliest of girls.[3] Most of the time, even goddesses couldn’t help being just like other girls.

That’s why my smile was upside down. I had really hoped that my uncle would be here today, but instead, his throne was empty and I was dealing with my big sister, Persephone.

She sat on her shadowy copy of an Olympian throne in this shadowy copy of an Olympian castle in this shadowy copy of Olympian heaven looking like the shadowy combination of Jessica Rabbit and Princess Merida’s older sister with a voluptuous body that was covered in a flowing blush pink gown, pale rose skin, luscious copper orange hair, and two novel green eyes.[4] And of course, she had a shadowy copy of the same menorrheal expression that every girl seems to give me when we first meet.[5]

“Andromeda, I wish I could say it is a pleasure to meet you,” she said girlily, “but that would be a lie. You have been here for less than a day, yes? And yet, you have already made such a tangle.”[6]

“I just wanted to do my civic duty as a person of the world,” I told her, my frown narrowing.

“And how does beating up Charon, stealing his ferry for a joyride through Tartarus, stopping to chat with one of our most dangerous residents, and then inviting countless penniless souls to a free boat party across the River Styx, qualify as doing your civic duty?” Persephone asked foolishly.[7]

I just looked at her, thinking righteous thoughts. If Hades was here, he’d understand, but I suppose he was too busy having shadowy fun with Nico.

Persephone sighed judgmentally. “You might be worse than Heracles and that is really saying something.[8] Do you have any idea how much your stunt will cost?” Before I could answer, she added, “No, you don’t. Thanks to that fancy card of yours, underworld traffic will be…”[9]

I stopped listening as Persephone droned on and on. She really just didn’t get it. Seeing poor unfortunate souls made my tummy ache and my eyes water. I felt so bad for the dead people here, especially for all of the souls stuck on the living side just because they hadn’t thought to be buried with their money. The fact you needed money to die properly was total tommyrot just like the rest of the underworld. Even though I’d been here before, I forgot what a sucky Hooverville this place was![10]

I knew that this was Nico’s Dad’s home, but everything here was just so down-at-the-heels dull and dark and damp and drab and dismal and dim and dingy and dusty and dry and decrepit and dreary and drafty and depressing and just deficient, destitute, dubious, dilapidated, and really really really Dead with a capital D!

The people, the air, and even time was mostly dead down here. Moving around became a Herculean effort. Flying was a big no-no.[11] My mini master bolt was basically a glowing stick.[12] And I just didn’t like being down here in the shadowy squalor. This place gave me an Atlantic case of the grump-grumps and—[13]

“Andromeda?” Persephone said with shadowy displeasure.

“Yea?” I replied with shining displeasure.

“I asked why you have come,” Persephone said, not unhelpfully I guess. “You know that your Apollo boy is not here, yes? And Nico, he cannot leave yet.”

“I’m not here to take Nico or Luke away,” I said, explainingly. “I’m on a side quest.”

Persephone sat up a bit. “Oh?”

I nodded. “I’d like to take your dog for a walk.”

For the first time since I’d seen her, Persephone smiled. “Our brother,” she concluded. “I asked him for someone to walk the dog ages ago. My husband, he has been gone so often recently and his dog needs a lot of love and attention. But,” she eyed me, “are you positive you can handle this? Even Heracles found Cerberus to be…troublesome.”[14]

I turned my own smile right side up. “We got along well the last time I was here.”[15]

Persephone nodded. “Yes. Yes. I did hear this. My son, he told me all about it.”

“Your son?” I asked confusedly, frowning again. “You mean Zagreus?”[16]

Persephone put a hand to her mouth like she was going to throw up. Her words became strained.[17] “That interpretation, it gets me every time.[18] No, no, not him.” She recovered herself. “I was speaking of my son, Nico.”

I narrowed my eyes at her. “But you’re not Nico’s mom,” I said slowly, “He’s a demi-god.”[19]

Persephone lowered her hand and I saw that her smile had turned wicked. She hopped down from her high throne. Her orange hair and pink dress changed. When she landed, she had transformed into a 1940s Italian raven-haired starlet in a black dress, gleaming pearls, and veil.

Glitz and glam!

The dame looked exactly like the picture Nico had shown me of his mom!

As my mouth smacked open and closed like a holy mackerel, the glitterati spoke in Italian which I understood perfectly.[20] She said smoothly, “One of the many secrets to a successful marriage to outlast all others is having the ability to shake things up occasionally. Every demigod child of Hades is a child of one of my mortal incarnations.[21] The same is true of my demigod children. Their fathers are all Hades. My husband and I, we make a game of trying to find our mortal selves for each generation. It gives us something to do while I’m away for the summer. It is great fun.”

“That’s a dolly ditz of a game,” I told her frankly.[22] It was Kian and Apian all over again. This was more than a change in eye and hair color. It was a change in soul color.

Maria di Angelo chuckled and flicked her wrist so that her hand made a strange womanly gesture. “You are too much, cara.[23] No wonder why the other goddesses are jealous of you.”

“Aren’t you jealous?” I asked, warily.

“Che scemo,” the starlet shook her head and I watched as her dark hair became copper and Persephone went back to looking like herself.[24]

“No, Andromeda, I am not jealous. I understand the road you walk. There was a time when many thought I was the most beautiful goddess around. Before I met Hades, my life…it was not good. Most people don’t understand the frustration of being desired, but unseen. The loneliness is a very heavy burden to bear.”

I stared up at her, my eyes wide as stars and twice as bright. I groked that.[25] I groked that so hard.

“Especially yours,” she added sagely, “since Aphrodite has cursed you. No, I could never be jealous of that.”

“So…” my voice became light despite the dark air. “Can we be friends, Big sis?” I opened my arms, ready to hug my first true sister-sister.

“No way in hell,” Persephone sallied, heartbreakingly.[26]

“Oh.” I dropped my arms to my sides. My heart crashed into my stomach and I felt like the silliest willy in the whole wide underworld. I knew most girls were just like other girls, but I kept hoping that one would be nearly as special as I was. I don’t know why.

My mean siren sister kept talking. She explained. “You belong to Nico, Andromeda. For as long as you are my son’s friend, I will only be his mother to you. It is better that way.”

“Why is that better?” I asked. How was having fewer friends better? And why did my sister care about being the parent of my friend when my brothers didn’t?

It didn’t make sense. Girls didn’t make sense. The whole underworld didn’t make sense. Pe—

“In spite of your boisterous nature, I think that you are a good friend to Nico and I know he values your companionship,” she said confusingly. “I do not want that to change and it could if you attempt to befriend me and my son at the same time. Be patient and content yourself with being my son’s playmate…and nothing more, yes? I am not stepping to the side for you to beguile my son. My Nico, he is a growing boy and he needs a partner who will provide joy and laughter, yes, but also peace and solace for his tender and well-worn soul.[27] You are not that.”

This was getting shadier and shadier. First Bianca and now Persephone, why did everyone think I had the hots for little Nico? We were just friends. He was practically my little brother and I couldn’t…

“My hope,” she continued, over my thoughts, “is that you find your lost Apollo boy. I suspect others have probably told you, but let me again confirm for you that he is not down here.”

“Ti capisco, Dama,” I said before biting my lip.[28] We had hit maximum shade. All thoughts of my sister and cousin-nephew-friend were replaced by the most important person in all of existence except possibly me, Luke.

I was glad he wasn’t in the underworld. Along with it being boring and lame, the place always made me feel smaller and bluer than a Western Pygmy Blue.[29] Even with my big entrance and grand gesture, I had only saved a fraction of the souls waiting to cross and more people died every second I was down here. I wasn’t sure how Nico’s parents dealt with the sheer enormity of all the death, failure, and endings. So, it was a good thing to know Luke wasn’t here, but where was he?

That was the biggest question in my life right now and I was really struggling to find the answer.

“Do not look so sad and lost, Andromeda,” Persephone advised, mind-readingly. “Nico is a better person than I and as for your lover, call it woman’s intuition, but I have a feeling you’ll find him when you’re ready.”

That was something and way more than anyone else had said, but it was also beautifully useless. “Could you be more specific, Dama?” I asked. “I prefer to measure my time in jiffies, but I’ll take it in bits, shakes, moments, heleks, kè, or even plain old seconds.”[30]

Persephone just smiled sagely at me and chuckled before saying, “You really do remind me of Heracles, cara. So, impatient. Now, come. Let me show you to Cerberus’s dog house.”

With that, she set off down a shadowy hallway.

Before I could follow her, she turned back and added, “Also, no more of this Dama nonsense. You are not one of Artemis’s maidens. I am your friend’s mother, yes? Call me Ms. Di Angelo.” This time her smile was warm and what I imagined a mother’s smile should be like.[31]

I gulped down the horrid underworld air and my rotten feelings and made myself say, “Sure thing, Ms. Di Angelo.”

Then I caught up with her and we both started moving again. I did my best to skip gracefully along the shadowy stone halls with Ms. Di Angelo leading the way to Cerberus. She told me stories about Nico when he was just a little little kid and I put a happy-go-lucky smile on my face and told myself to focus on the fruit growing in front of me.

My Peter side quest was progressing pretty swelly and I was truly punched that Ms. Di Angelo hadn’t added to the scope of it at all.[32] Time worked differently in the underworld, so I could not tell how long I’d been down here. I just knew that every jiffy…no every instant mattered.[33]

Before I could save Luke or Artemis or even make friends with another member of the female species, I had to befriend Peter by saving his stuff which meant I needed to complete my mission to walk my favorite shadowy colossus of a pupper![34]

Footnotes

[1] There are 12 main Olympians: Zeus, Hera, Poseidon, Demeter, Athena, Apollo, Artemis, Ares, Hephaestus, Aphrodite, Hermes, and either Hestia or Dionysus. Depending on how you count it, 5 to 8 of them are children of Zeus. According to Wikipedia, Zeus’s children include: Aeacus, Agdistis, Angelos, Aphrodite, Apollo, Ares, Artemis, Athena, Britomartis, Dionysus, Eileithyia, Enyo, Epaphus Eris, Ersa, Hebe, Helen of Troy, Hephaestus, Heracles, Hermes, Lacedaemon, Melinoë, Minos, Pandia, Persephone, Perseus, Pollux, Rhadamanthus, Zagreus, the Graces, the Horae, the Litae, the Muses, and the Moirai. So, yeah…that is a lot.

[2] Alright…a floozy is a young woman who has many casual sexual partners or who dresses or behaves in a sexually provocative way. A grimalkin is a spiteful old woman. A tart is a dessert, but it also refers to a promiscuous woman, a woman who has many sexual partners, or a prostitute. Jelly is a spread, but it also is a way of saying jealous.

[3] A spinster is an unmarried woman who is usually older than 30 which yeah, fits Hestia fairly well. Also, considering what Hera and Demeter are like in the PJO canon…fair.

[4] I love how Andi is just throwing all the shade on the underworld’s décor. Ignoring the biased tone, her description of Hades’ Palace is pretty canon accurate.

However, Persephone’s appearance here differs from the canon. In her introduction in the PJO Sword of Hades side story, she hangs out in her special garden looking like a pale washed-out version of a beautiful woman with multi-colored eyes and a faded rainbow dress. Though to be fair, Persephone changes her appearance often according to the book she’s in and presumably the season. She’s been described as having blonde hair, black hair, sky blue eyes, brown eyes, watery gold eyes, and multi-colored eyes. Even so, here she’s looking quite different. Like another underworld deity we met earlier, Persephone here is a redhead.

Now that that is out of the way, let’s move on to the comparison Andi makes. Jessica Rabbit, despite her name, is not a rabbit. She’s a sexy ginger and the wife of Roger Rabbit (who is a rabbit) in the movie ‘Who framed Roger Rabbit’. Princess Merida is the main character of Pixar’s Brave. She has wild orange hair. She doesn’t have an older sister, but I assume this was just an effort to age her up.

[5] Menorrheal means the flow of blood at menstruation, so I guess Andi thinks Persephone and other girls look at Andi like they are having cramps (or at least uncomfortable) when they talk to her for the first time.

[6] Yeah, I don’t know why Persephone talks like this…it’s just a thing, yes?

[7] Yes, I too would have liked to have seen all this, especially Andi’s chat with this mysterious stranger. More on this later.

[8] Heracles went down to the underworld for one of his 12 labors. I mentioned this before but: While he was down here, he saved Theseus from his snake chair, but left Pirithous behind. Again, do not feel bad for Pirithous. He and Theseus were being punished because they tried to kidnap Persephone, Queen of the Underworld and wife of Hades, and make her Pirithous’s wife instead. Not the smartest of moves for Pirithous or Theseus (Friends should not let friends kidnap other people’s wives). This is probably part of the reason why Persephone has a low opinion of Heracles. More info in footnote 14.

[9] It looks like Andi used her infinite money credit card to pay for the passage for those penniless souls. I sort of love how in this fic, the underworld has rules against people traveling without a paid fare to keep lines reasonable, sort of like the worse Disneyland ride ever.

[10] Hoovervilles were named after US President Hoover. They were shantytowns built in the US by unemployed and destitute people during the Great Depression of the early 1930s.

[11] Andi has been able to fly for a while, so she discovered she could not fly in the underworld during the Lightning Thief fic. 

[12] I assume this has to do with the fact that Andi’s mini bolt isn’t that good against the dead and undead. I doubt she can smite souls.  

[13] Atlantic as in the Atlantic Ocean which is the second-largest ocean on earth. The grump-grumps probably just means grumpiness.

[14] Heracles had a bit of trouble with this particular labor because he couldn’t harm Cerberus, Hades’ beloved dog, with weapons. Instead, Heracles wrestled the dog to the ground and then he escorted the dog to his quest-giver, King Eurystheus of Mycenae, who freaked the hell out and told Heracles to send the dog back.

[15] Andi and Nico tamed Cerberus together in the Lightning Thief fic.

[16] In some stories, Zagreus is the son of Hades and Persephone and in others, he’s the son of Zeus and Persephone. Zeus is Persephone’s father…so ew!

[17] I believe Persephone is laughing. The reason why is in the next footnote.

[18] Sometimes, Zagreus is just considered to be another name for Hades.

[19] Andi, girl. Rude.

[20] Now, why does Andi know Italian? Her fluency was mentioned in the Lightning Thief and Sea of Monsters fics, but not explained. I have a theory, but more on it later. As for the words: holy mackerel and glitterati are both 1940s slang. A mackerel is a type of fish. Holy Mackerel is something to say when you are surprised and glitterati is a term to describe rich people.

[21] Here we are with this mortal reincarnation concept again. I actually really like this. Hades and Persephone are basically the OTP of Greek Mythology. Ignoring the fling with Adonis (there’s always something), they and Psyche and Eros are about as functional as high-profile couples can get in the ancient myths. The existence of PJO Hades demigods implies Hades cheats on his wife often-ish and that’s…not great. So, I appreciate this change. It also means that Hazel and Nico in this universe are even more related than the typical godchildren.

[22] I assume Andi means doll dizzy which is 1940s slang for a boy who is crazy about girls.

[23] Cara means dear.

[24] Che scemo roughly translates to: How silly.

[25] In case you forgot, grok is a Martian word that means to understand profoundly and intuitively. It comes from the novel “Stranger in a Strange Land”.

[26] Sally, along with being a girl’s name, has a couple of other meanings. According to Google, it is both a sudden charge out of a besieged place against the enemy(as in sally forth) and a witty or lively remark or retort made as an attack or as a diversion in an argument.

[27] Is this a reference? No…the timing does not work, but it is an interesting coincidence.

[28] Ti capisco, Dama means: I understand you, Lady. Dama is an interesting choice. There are a few words that mean lady in Italian, but Dama also means draught (as in a cold draft from a window) and checkers, so Andi might be calling Persephone cold and calculating. Even so, this is the most respect Andi has shown a woman since the Lightning Thief fic.

[29] A Western pygmy blue is the smallest known butterfly in North America. It has a wingspan of 0.5 inches or 1.3 centimeters. They are also not very blue.

[30] These are all measures of time. I think the only one we haven’t seen before is shakes. A shake is 10 nanoseconds or 10 to the -8th power.

[31] I suppose Andi thinks that because she is an orphan who was abandoned at birth, she wouldn’t know.

[32] I assume Andi means pleased as punch as in happy. I also love that she’s concerned with the scope, of all things.

[33] As established, a jiffy is 1/50 or 1/60 of a second. An instant is the smallest non-zero non-negative amount of time possible i.e. 1/infinity. Also, if Andi had been listening to Persephone, Andi would know that she has been down here for less than a day.

[34] You probably guessed that pupper is a way to say dog or puppy. Colossus means a statue that is much bigger than life-size, but I think the more apt definition here is a person or thing of enormous size, importance, or ability. Also, considering Andi’s tendency to make multi-references, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this sounds similar to the title of a very popular 2005 game called Shadow of the Colossus (it is a very good game).

Chapter Text

Chapter 31: Zoë Does Not Get To Speak With Management

(Peter)

Because this was the sixth time I’d fallen to my possible death this year, I couldn’t summon the energy Grover and Bianca were putting out.[1] Maybe once the ground made its inevitable appearance, I would start freaking the fuck out and screaming bloody murder like a normal person who hadn’t gone to hell and back.

At the moment though, I took advantage of my cold detachment and occupied myself by ‘swimming’ to the edge of this giant shithole. Judging by how Grover’s and Bianca’s screams were echoing around, we were in a metal chamber. It was a long shot, but I hoped that perhaps I’d be able to slow my fall by using the Sue’s bracelet to create friction against the pastel-colored walls.

That’s right I said pastel. Unlike the last 5 times I’d fallen from an incalculable height, it wasn’t pitch black in here. After the first couple of seconds of darkness, lights had clicked on. The flat fixtures covered parts of the wall. Some of them spelled out motivational statements and other platitudes like:

“Failure is the chance to begin again!”

“We apologize for the inconvenience.”

And insultingly,

“Keep Calm and Keep Fallin'”

I would say that line in particular killed whatever dramatic tension this fic was going for. However, said tension returned when I finally reached the wall of the chasm and Zoë shouted over the din, “What are you doing, boy!”

My immediate reaction was to look down at Grover who was below me and curled into a wailing ball, but a second later, I realized she was talking about me. I turned towards her and saw she had her bow out.

Shit.

“I’m trying not to fall?” I replied hopefully.

“Stop trying,” she ordered.

I pushed away from the admittedly slick wall. “I only wish to be useful,” I said cautiously. I had no plans to fuck up again and die because I swore at the wrong person.[2] And according to my second-hand memories, Zoë could definitely be that person, especially since I didn’t have Percy’s plot armor and I hadn’t helped with the lion. I was just a useless male to her.

Zoë said as much, when she retorted, “If you had wished to be useful, you would have convinced our strongest warrior to stay with the party. I do not know what you said to Andromeda, but I am sure her absence is due to thee or the satyr. If you value thy life and limbs, you will tell me: What did you do to drive her away?”

“I did not do anything worth mentioning,” I said which was unfortunately very true…I still needed to apologize.

“Do not lie to me, boy. You bear Andromeda’s shield. That did not come about by mere happenstance,” Zoë said as she drew her bowstring back with an arrow ready to fly.

A stoic part of me knew it would be quite impressive if she hit me while we were falling, but I tried not to dwell on such fun facts. Instead, I did my best to understand her accusations.

What shield?

I didn’t have…oh! Right!

Sunshine’s bracelet doubled as her atrocious heart shield. It was probably the equivalent to the shield watch Tyson gave Percy in Chapter 19 of the Sea of Monsters.[3]

“Stop stalling, boy!” Zoë snapped.

“Sorry!” I began and hurried on to say, “I really don’t know why Andromeda left or where she is. She basically just tossed her bracelet shield at me and disappeared.”

Zoë did not look happy with that explanation, so I rushed to add, “However, I did see her and Grover speaking for a long time and they’re friends.” Sorry, Grover. “So, he probably knows something.”

“You best hope he does,” Zoë threatened with a scowl but then she thankfully redirected her bow and snapped, “Satyr! Cease thy baaing and tell me where Andromeda is.”

Grover must not have heard us because he kept on baaing as Zoë called it.

Unlike with me, Zoë did not repeat her demand.

She just shot him.

“Ow!” he cried. Grover twisted to see the arrow sticking out like a second tail from his butt. “OW!” he said even louder, glaring up at us.

“Do not be such a kid. It is only a flesh wound,” Zoë chided, missing the irony of her reference.[4] “Now answer me, or you will get another arrow: where is Andromeda Sunshine?”

“I don’t know where Lady Andi is,” Grover said. “She was talking with Bianca, and then she slowed her deer down to talk to Peter,” Grover explained, throwing me back under the bus.

Zoë and another strung arrow turned back to me.

Damn it.

“It was nothing I swear,” I said quickly before Zoë could shoot me like Grover. I had had my fill of arrows thank you very much. “Andromeda just gave her bracelet to me and—”

“She gave you her bracelet!” Grover stared up at me like I was crazy.[5] “Peter, are you for real?”

“Yeah, why would I—”

“Silence!” Zoë shouted. “Everyone needs to shut thy mouths! You too Bianca! Cowering is beneath the dignity of a Hunter!”

Bianca went quiet. Now that the last of the screaming was gone, I realized that the chamber had some elevator music playing softly in the background.

Where the fuck were we?

“What do you know of Andromeda,” Zoë asked Bianca. “If these pitiful males are to be believed, she spoke with—”

Flomp!

Flomp!

Flomp! Flomp!

Each of us landed in some sort of dough soft pink cushion. It covered most of the floor.

“Curses,” Zoë muttered. “I hoped I was mistaken.”

“I didn’t!” Grover whispered excitedly. “I can’t believe this is happening!”

“What’s happening?” Bianca and I both asked.

Before Grover or Zoë could answer, we heard:

“Ding Dong Dong Ding![6]

Welcome To The Remedial Artisan School of Hephaestus.

You Are At The SOUTHWEST LARGE BEING Entrance

If You Are Capable Of Speech, Please State Your Preferred Goddess.”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Grover said excitedly, “Peter, we’re back!”

Back? Back where? I had no idea what he was talking about.

“I’m Sorry. I Did Not Catch That.

If You Are Capable Of Speech, Please State Your Preferred Goddess.”

“I am Zoë Nightshade,” Zoë began, “I wish—”

“I’m Sorry. ZOË NIGHTSHADE Is Not An Available Model. Please State A Different Goddess.”

“Damnation to Hephaestus’s toys,” Zoë complained.

“I’m Sorry. HEPHAESTUS IS NOT A GODDESS THOUGH HE IS FLATTERED BY YOUR PREFERENCE. Please State A FEMALE Goddess.”

I stifled a laugh.

Grover didn’t.

“Ow!” he cried out.

Zoë had shot him again.

“I’m Sorry. I Did Not Catch That.

If You Are Capable Of Speech, Please State Your Preferred Goddess.”

“Silence!” Zoë hissed. “I am trying—”

“Why don’t you just say Lady Artemis?” Bianca asked.

“Congratulations!

You Have Chosen ARTEMIS, Goddess of the HUNT.

Artemis Only Associates With Physically Young Women. We Are Legally Obligated To Send A Representative To Confirm Your Physical Age and Gender.

Please Wait Here.”

The elevator music returned and was at greater volume this time.

“Bianca,” Zoë turned on her.

“What?” Bianca said. “It wanted a goddess. Who’s better than Artemis?”

“Guys, what if we did it?” Grover asked before Zoë could say something sacrilegious.

“We are not guys,” Zoë said, “and you are speaking nonsense, satyr. That automaton voice was not referring to the real Artemis.”

“But what if Artemis came down here looking for a monster and got stuck and she’s still here?” Grover asked.

There was a moment of silence. It was a decent idea, but I already knew the truth. “I don’t think Artemis is here,” I began, “I spoke to Apollo—”

“Do not speak of him to me,” Zoë said.

“But why Zoë?” Bianca asked, “Apollo is Artemis’s brother and he’s pretty nice.”

Nice? 

Zoë huffed and said, “Lord Apollo may be Artemis’s brother, but that does not make him a good or even a nice person. He is full of duplicity. Heed my advice and beware anything that man or any other man tells thee.”

Hunter bias aside, there were no arguments from me on the Apollo front. The look on that sadistic bastard’s face when he had me pinned down will haunt me until the day I die. Plus, he was fucking annoying.

Grover and Bianca felt differently. “But—” They each began.

“No more buts!” Zoë snapped. “I am tired of thy buts.”

I coughed. Bianca bit her lip and Grover snorted.

“You must not be fooled,” Zoë continued stoutly, without understanding what she’d said. “All men are evil. That is simply the way of things.”

“But I’m not evil!” Grover protested.

Zoë didn’t even look at him as she said, “You are not a man.”

Grover looked like she had shot him with another arrow. “Why do you have to be such a tsun-tsun, Zoë!” he demanded.[7]

Tsun-tsun? Wasn’t that an anime thing? It was! Oh, that’s right. This version of Grover watched an absurd amount of ecchi harem anime.[8]

“Just because Her—” Grover continued.

“Silence Satyr!” Zoë snapped once again. “Do not speak of things you do not understand!”

“I understand plenty,” Grover argued. “Artemis and the Hunters are the best, but Andi is right. Anyone should be able to join the Hunters, even me!”

Blasphemy!

I mean…fuck!

I held my stomach and swallowed hard.

“You!” Zoë sneered at Grover over my muddled thoughts and stomach pains. “As if Lady Artemis would allow thy lustful self anywhere near—”

“Hello!” boomed a deep echoing voice from behind us.

We all turned and saw a bronze foot the size of a fucking bus in front of us. I tried to look up to find the rest of the newcomer, but my eyes climbed up and up and up.

Well…Fuck me! Just what I fucking needed. The circumstances were different, but there was no mistaking it. This was…

“I Am Talass,” the metal giant informed us.[9]

Talos, Talass, it didn’t matter. I was already doing my best to get the fuck out of the giant robot’s way. Standing up on the pink gooey floor was impossible, so I resorted to evasive maneuvers. I tried to roll away like Link, but that didn't work either.[10] I ignored my queasiness and started crawling away like a lowly spider.

Meanwhile, it continued speaking. “I Have Come To Confirm Your Suitability In Order For You To Work With Artemis’s Likeness And To Guide You To The Shrinking Ray,” it said.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Grover prep his slingshot.

“But There Seems To Be An Error.”

Bianca and Zoë had rolled into a defensive position in an inverse Y formation with me and Grover as bait. They had their arrows ready to fly.

“You Are One, Two, Three, Four Beings.”

I reached a good position away from Grover to do a creditable X formation with the other Hunters, but while Bianca, Zoë, and Grover had begun their attack, I was stuck struggling with the Sue’s infernal bracelet!

How did I activate this damn thing!?

“One Male And One Two Females And One Other,” the giant said before it knelt down and Grover and I got a good look at its face.

“Guys,” Grover called. “Stop!”

I stopped fumbling with Sunshine’s bracelet.

Zoë and Bianca kept attacking from behind, but I agreed with Grover. Seeing her up close, the giant…Talass, she had said, actually looked friendly and professional. She had on square hipster glasses and her metal hair was shaped in a bun.

Zoë managed to hit the giant in the eye by using a particularly impressive trick shot that required her arrow to ricochet off the walls several times. The direct hit only made the automaton blink. The metallic movement created a clacking sound. Talass’s head turned impossibly to the 5 o’clock position to face Zoë. “You Are A Hunter,” the giant said to Zoë.

The giant’s head swiveled to look at Bianca at the 8 o’clock position and Talass repeated, “You Are A Hunter.”

Then the head turn back toward me and Grover and the machine actually smiled. Her teeth were black which was creepy as fuck, but her tone was pleasant as she said, “Welcome Back Grover Underwood And Peter Johnson.”

“Welcome back?” I repeated, baffled. Her too? I looked over at Grover.

He grinned and gave me two thumbs up.

“Your Aphrodite Bots Have Been Reassigned,” the automaton informed us, “But Their Archived Memories Will Be Reinstalled To Newer Models. One Moment.” Then Talass rattled off a string of letters and numbers:

“CODE 48756e7465722032

CODE 52657475726e696e67204172746973616e2032

ARTISAN 5065746572204a6f686e736f6e2031393837

ARTISAN 47726f76657220556e646572776f6f642031393738.”[11]

While she did all that CPU talk, it finally clicked. I had a good idea about what was going on and I did not like it one fucking bit. I was already dealing with the New Moon nonsense and being sans plot armor and Miss Cheat Code.

Did I seriously have to deal with this bullshit too?

As if to answer my unasked question, Talass reached out with her large as white kidnapping van hands. She didn’t touch us, instead, she used some sort of fan suction system to lift us into the air. Then the giant stood and we rose with her and found ourselves hanging several stories up in the air with nothing but wind to tether us.

This time, I did join in on the screaming. Even Zoë participated because fuck.

The Hunter was actually the loudest, saying, “Let go of me and my underlings this instant! I demand to speak with thy manager!”

“One Moment,” Talass said as she turned her body and headed towards the far wall. Ignoring our screams, the arrows Zoë and Bianca shot at her, and the complaints the older Hunter sent her way, Talass continued in her loud cheery voice, “I Am Sorry. Management Is Unavailable At This Time. However, You May Rate Our PR Team Later.[12] We Hope You Give Us A 10 Out of 10 Would Do Again.”

I almost groaned. However, at this point, we’d reached the wall and Talass hadn’t slowed down. My irritation at corporate corniness was overridden by my fear of becoming a flattened piece of Peter for the 8^th time in my life![13]

Thank God, that at the last possible moment, the wall opened to make way for us and suddenly I was no longer bothered by all the ways I could go crazy, get hurt, or die right now. All my focus was on the sight before me.

It left me speechless.

Footnotes

[1] I guess this must have happened a lot in Peter’s Apollo dreams.

[2] And that’s what I call character development.

[3] I really like that moment so I’m going to gush a little. All book Tyson was working on that watch and then to find out it was a gift for Percy…so precious. Anyway, Chapter 19 of PJO the Sea of Monsters is called “The Chariot Race Ends With A Bang” and yes, it predictably has a chariot race and more importantly, at the end, Percy claims Tyson as his brother in front of everyone. Again…so precious.

[4] A kid is a baby goat. This has to be a Monty Python Reference. There, the flesh wound in question was a missing limb.

[5] Andi is very protective of her bracelet. She had originally hoped to give it to a special someone as a gift.

[6] I don’t know if this is intentional, but “Ding Dong Dong Ding” is apparently the Danganronpa sound effect to announce a dead body.

[7] Tsun-tsun refers to someone who acts cold, blunt, or curt. The onomatopoeia itself is actually the sound of someone sticking their nose up in the air, or turning away in disgust. Anime fans will recognize Tsun because it’s usually paired with the word dere to describe someone who is initially cold but can be very affectionate.

[8] Peter still seems to be trying to remember stuff about his immediate situation…which is a little sad. Here though it might be confusing for you because even though Peter acts like this is a known fact, this is like the first time we see Grover talk about anime in this story. I have to assume that Peter and Grover have discussed anime at some point off-screen. However, in the Lightning Thief fic, Grover talks about anime a few times. He is a big fan of Love Hina and he compared Andi to Moka of Rosario +Vampire (both the sweet pink-haired civilian form and the step-on-me-please-senpai white-haired Over-Powered form) more than once. He also (wrongly according to Andi), prefers Special A to Maid-sama.

[9] So not quite Hephaestus’s giant automaton from Titan’s Curse aka Talos, but close.

[10] Rolling and backflips are some of the fastest ways to get around as Link in Legend of Zelda. I assume Peter’s New Moon-self wanted to do the same.

[11] When I first read this, I had no idea what these numbers meant. However, my Delta Reader told me this was probably Hexadecimal and what do you know it is. Here’s a translation:

CODE: Hunter 2

CODE: Returning Artisan 2

ARTISAN: Peter Johnson 1987

ARTISAN: Grover Underwood 1978

I assume 1987 and 1978 are birth years. I am pretty sure they match the chronological year where Thalia and Grover ought to have been born.

[12] PR means People Resources perhaps?

[13] More bad dreams I suspect.

Chapter Text

Chapter 32: I Get Wet And Dirty With Luke?[1]

(Andi)

“Slow your roll, C-pups!” I called out loudly.[2]

C-pups continued to fast his roll, bounding ahead through the underworld at top speed. He was pulling so hard and moving so much that I couldn’t keep up without being dragged along through a few souls who were too preoccupied to get out of the way.

Because I was a proper lady, I apologized to the slow pokes. I said, “Sorry!” to a Japanese girl who needed a haircut and a new dress, “Désolé!” to a damper Frenchman and “Ew! You should take a shower!” to a sweaty American basketball player. [3]

And on it went until I saw a river up ahead. None of the souls were close by it which wasn’t a swell sign in my book, but that didn’t stop C-pups.

I tried to stop him by saying commandingly “Stop!”

But that didn’t work either. C-pups leapt across the river. I did my best to follow him, but the dead air was too heavy for proper hang time.[4]

I came crashing down into the far bank. My left foot landed in the water, but C-pups was still moving. He pulled at the leash causing me to fall forward into the grey wet muddy ground.

I was dragged another few more inches through the mud before my soggy hands lost their grip on his leash and the perverse K9 bolted away.[5]

“UGH!” I shouted into the watery mud.

The mud took that as an invitation to enter my mouth. I pulled my face away from the ground to maybe cough up the boggy stuff, but then I changed my mind and let myself fall back into the muck.

What was the point?  I was wet and dirty and muddy and ugly and super uncool.

Cerberus was gone.

Luke was gone.

I was alone.

Everything was ASPCA puppy dog ad sad.[6]

I let myself sink deeper into the bitter mud.

It was dirty and foul just like me.

Sniff!

And I was crying…because that was going to help with my appearance.

Not!

At this point, nothing could console me.

“Andi, is that you?” a voice above me said…and it was the only voice that mattered.

Disbelieving, my head tilted up with my chin sliding through the mud to get a look. And time halted. The underworld gloom lifted and I was back at camp, back at the very first time I saw HIM.

His athletic body was clothed in an orange camp t-shirt and dark jeans that clung to his gleaming muscles that were not too big, not too small, but just right for cuddling, fighting monsters, and catching gorgeous golden-locked damsels in drooling distress.[7] His white scars danced along his sun-kissed golden skin whispering songs of a life lived, like a barbershop quartet of mystery, intrigue, war, and loss.[8] His beach blond hair was always just long enough to sweep out of his face with a well-timed flip and always shiny enough to catch whatever light was in the room, like his own personal sun. And his eyes…

Gods, his EYES!

The stars wished they could shine as bright and true as Luke’s peepers.

It had only taken one look, one perfect sparkly twinkle from the pair of them with his smile, the one that was all s~l~o~w and lopsided with boyish mischief and manly secrets, and lightning! STRUCK!

My feet melted.

The ground slipped from under me as I congealed into a warm gooey Andi-shaped heart that beat for Him.

“Bum-bump. Bum-bump. Him-hump. Him-hump. Wuv-wump! Wuv-wump!” said my whole trembly gelatinous being.

Through those momentous beats, I finally understood how men felt when they saw me for the first time. For over a decade, I had thought I had known what love was. People pledged their feelings to me like all the time and I watched movies and read books. I rooted for couples and daydreamed about the boys inside. I had even had a few real-life crushes like on Kian and Nicky, thinking that that was love. La! What a young ingénue I was then.[9] I had had no earthly idea what love really was.

Not until him.

Not until Luke.

“Luke!”

I cried out his name like a prayer because I knew this wasn’t a consolation.

This was salvation.

Glory to the heavens I was saved!

He was saved!!

I had FINALLY found

~L~!~U~!~K~!~E~

This revelation crashed upon me and suddenly, time was back. I threw myself upward and in less than a jiffy, I was on my feet and running towards the manmade light that was Luke, screaming his name for the underworld to hear.

“Luke! Luke! Luke!” I shrieked as I crashed into him, grabbed his waist, and swung him around like a giant sexy teddy bear. “Oh Luke!” I cried, heartfeltly into his core, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere! Persephone said you weren’t here! I should have known she was lying! How are you?! Did you get my letter?![10] Why are you glowing like that?! How’d you get here?! Are you alive?! You feel alive! Please tell me you’re alive!”

Luke laughed and said, “Chill, Andi. Everything’s cool. I’m fine. Your letter was super thoughtful. The glow is an underworld thing. How I got here is a long story, but I am here, in the flesh. See?”

I did see.

I would never see anything else.

There was only Luke.

“Oh Luke,” I cried again because I might be crying for the rest of my life. “I don’t know if I can ever apologize enough for what happened in the Sea of Monsters. I’m an Arachne tapestry’s worth of so sorries, but I know that doesn’t matter to you.[11] I just want you to know that I promise I will do my best to figure out some way to make it up to you. I already have a few ideas. How does free college sound?[12] Or how about a beaching year of beaches where we go to a different beach every weekend for a year? Or…”

“Shhh,” Luke put a finger to my mouth. “Andi, you’re talking a mile a minute. Breathe.”

Breathe?

I stared up into his galactic eyes.

Breathe!

How could I breathe when he was touching me like that!

I stared down at his beautiful manly slightly calloused finger.

His finger! On my mouth?!?

This was so…OH!

SO SEXY.

SO HOT!!!

Call the fire department!

My forest was on FIRE!

How could it not be when Luke was here?

Luke was here! And he was…and I was…and we were

Touching!

Comets and stars!

I had my arms around him too.

How had I not noticed that I had my arms around him!?!

I looked up at his sexy face again.

He was smiling at me!

And I still had my arms around him!!!

G!A!H!

The forests of my body were ash and the overpopulated cities were next. Nothing was safe from my hot volcanic eruption of Luke passion.

Then Luke spoke again. “Andi,” he murmured sexily. “You’re such a sweet girl. That’s what I love about you.”

LOVE<3?!?

My heart beat extra hard. Each bum-bump repeated the word back to me.

Love.

Love.

Love!

Wove!

!~WUV~!

My pulsating melty insides began to slosh around in a weighty waltz. Luke had to be holding me up…Luke was holding me…I was holding him…we were holding each other…

I ducked my head to stare at the ground before I EXPLODED from pure pleasure, but before I could take stock of the inferno spreading to Anditropolis, Anditopia, New Andi, Andi Bay, San Andi and my face I noticed my muddy body and river-soaked leg.[13]

Just like that the fire department had arrived, dousing some of the Luke-fueled flames. “Whoopsie,” I said before I let out a high-pitched girly titter that I abhorred and the wiggles whooshed in, saying for me, “it wooks wike I’m all wet and diwty.”[14]

“No,” Luke said erotically before he took my chin and lifted my head up to gaze at his apocalyptically steamy face and declared, “Andi, you are perfect.”

WHAT?

W!H!A!T?!?

He did NOT just do that?!?

But he D!I!D!

Forget the forests, fire departments, and cities. Lava, fire, and liquefied wiggles had just engulfed my entire world! Planet Andi was now a molten ball of fiery red Need and Luke could see it.

I could see him seeing it which only made my body pulse harder. When he chuckled, the motion made my toes curl and my mouth whimper.

Then he kept talking! “Andi,” he said silkily, “I missed you so much.”

I missed him too. Gods, I had missed him so So SO much, but before I could attempt any sort of response Luke removed his finger and leaned in towards my face.[15] And. Then. He. Kissed. ME!

On the LIPS!!!!!

Oh, sweet merciful heaven, my body was NOT ready. Kill me. No! I’m already dying! No! I’m already DEAD!

XoX

This.

Was.

P~A~R~A~D~I~S~E

!FOUND! [16]

This kiss was NOTHING like the other kisses I had had in the past. There was no slobbering, groping, or stinky breath. It was hotter than the sun and my body, sweeter than honey and peaches, more perfect than me and Luke individually because we were together at last and I wanted this to last:

Forever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ever,

and ev—

But then it stopped?[17]

I blinked and looked up at Luke. Except, it wasn’t Luke at all. It was some man in an old-fashioned Greek toga. Not-Luke was okay-looking, but he still wasn’t my Luke.

And once I realized that, I saw the small island I was on and heard…

The wailing.

All around me, people were shrieking and crying in joy and despair. Some knelt at the muddy flat gray bank of the island, weeping into the river and drinking from it in turns. Others were deep in embraces with each other. Still, others were fighting and shouting, tears in their eyes, rage in their being.

I turned back to the passably handsome Not-Luke who was glowing slightly, queasy creeping fear in my heart where queasy creeping love had been. “Who are you?” I asked, quiveringly.

“My lady,” Not-Luke said in Greek, “my name is Acontius.”

I swallowed. “You mean the guy who married Cydippe?” I asked, warily. I didn’t like that story.[18]

“The very same,” he confirmed ominously, “but she is gone and you, my fair maiden, are here. You must be a sign from Aphrodite, Hera, and Artemis, for Cydippe is a mere trifle to me now. After our kiss, nothing but marriage and children will do.” He smiled widely at me.

I did not smile back. “Yeah…um sorry. I already have the bestest true love.”

“Indeed, you do,” he said, agreeably.

“Goody,” I said, glad that he saw reason, but when I tried to pull my hand away, he just floated to wherever my hand moved.

After we did that a couple of times, Acontius laughed. “Not so fast, my lady. I have been living on the memory of happiness for so long. You cannot think I would let go of the real thing. In no time, I shall win you as I won Cydippe.”

“Hero!” a new voice cried. Another man ran at me and kissed me like I was the last woman on earth. The kiss probably made my top 3 kisses ever, but still, this man was not Luke.

I pulled away. I wanted Luke. Where was he?

“Hero, my love, why do you retreat from me?” Not-Luke 2 asked mournfully.

“Um…”

“Back up, boy,” Acontius said, possessively, “This one is mine.”

“No!” Not-Luke 2 cried, “I have crossed the very goddess of love herself to be with my Hero. No mere mortal will stand in my way.”

“I am no mere mortal,” Acontius snapped. “I am to be this lady’s husband as soon as I find an apple.”

“I’m not—” I began.

“Husband?” Not-Luke 2 said rudely over me before barking out a laugh. “Ha!” he laughed. “You think I care for that? I will be her lover. You will never be rid of me. If you do not give my Hero away freely, I will swim across every ocean, climb every tower, anger every god in the pantheon to be with my precious and perfect wo…wait…you’re not Hero,” Not-Luke 2 said staring at me and sounding as confused as I was.

“She is not,” Acontius confirmed, “so be gone.”

Not-Luke 2 and I kept staring at each other. I gave him a small smile before I said, “Yeah, sorry. I don’t think I’m the guy you’re looking for.[19] Now have either of you seen my hero. His name is Luke. He has—”

Acontius did not let me finish. He said loudly and rudely, “I do not know or care about who this Luke fellow is. He has not married you yet, so he lost his chance to be your husband.”

I gaped at him. Luke would NEVER lose his chance to be my husband, never ever.

Then Not-Luke 2 declared, “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. My name is Leander, but for you, I will be Luke.”[20]

“That’s not—” I began.

“I already told you,” Acontius interrupted me angrily, “This one is mine, back off!” He shoved Leander away.

I shook my head. These two Not-Lukes were useless. I started to look around as they continued to fight. My eyes met another soul’s orbs and then they too were running at me. I looked away, searching and searching. Where had Luke gone?

“Luke?” I cried. “Luke!” I jumped into the air to try to get a better view of things and to maybe escape, but the souls, there were three of them now, just floated with me.

As I looked for Luke, I attracted more Not-Lukes. Each tried to confess their love, hug me, kiss me, or do all three, always mistaking me for someone else and when they finally realized their error, they just stayed and joined the ongoing argument about who was going to marry me.

After the eleventh time this happened, I managed to stop agonizing over Luke’s disappearance long enough to remember how I usually handled this type of attention at camp and that I was in control of this.

Using a honeyed voice, I said reasonably, “Boys, please, if you just formed an orderly line or fan club, then I’m sure that I’ll be able to accommodate all of you.”

“Never!” the Not-Lukes cried out in unison.

“But sharing is caring!” I argued convincingly in my sweetest voice.[21]

“No,” they insisted surprisingly. “There can only be one!”

“You are lovelier than Thisbe,” Not Luke 6 said lovingly.[22] “You must be mine.”

“I will never share you!” Not-Luke 4 claimed selfishly.

“I might be willing to try polygamy but none of these whippersnappers are worthy!” the elderly Not-Luke 11 declared.

I had always been popular. This was like the 1156^th time I’d been mobbed and I was lucky that all that these men seemed interested in was kissing, but I was not used to having this much trouble getting free of my fans. Then Not-Luke 7 tugged at my shirt too hard and ripped it. That triggered a flashback to my dark past.[23]

There are some things a heroine never wants to remember. Some things that should be shadowy backstory and flavor text but should never show up in the main story. That day with my sixth foster dad and his friends, I had been too lovable and I couldn’t…not now, not ever.

No more games. Nice Andi was gone. I was too OP for this paparazzi pandemonium![24]

“Let Go!” I shouted commandingly before I used all my strength to escape this mess.

I twisted. I jumped. I punched. I kicked. I clawed. I beat the Not-Lukes with my lightning stick. All the while, I loudly ordered, cajoled, and finally, screamed for them to back off. But despite my words, my strength, and my divine gifts, no one noticed my bid for freedom.

Worse than that, while I fought, the hoard grew larger. Countless souls were pressing into me now. It felt like they were touching every part of my body, trying to get at me, their angry voices shouting down Not Luke 11’s suggestion that they should craft statues of me and pray to Aphrodite to bring my likeness to life so they each could have their own Andi clone.[25]

As the mob surged and the men’s voices engulfed me, I could feel it happening. I tried to fight against it, but the disheartening wailing, the underworld’s ever-present melancholia, and the mob’s mad keenness seeped into my soul.[26] The Not-Lukes were changing me. I was weakening and morphing from Andromeda Sunshine, Andi to her friends, daughter of Zeus, and the most powerful girl around to Annie what’s-her-name, a girl too small and helpless to bear the burden of perfection.

Annie couldn’t fight off a mob…

Annie couldn’t even fight off one Not-Luke…

I was too tired and weak. The air was heavy here. Time didn’t exist. Nothing mattered but my lovely face and body.

Because I knew. I was so lucky to be blessed by their attentions, so lucky to be too beautiful for words or dissent. I was made to be loved, so who was I to fight my nature, my purpose? Who was I to withhold what these Not-Lukes wanted? Does a sun stop shining, does a waterfall stop falling, does a unicorn stop prancing, simply to be less admired? Since when were my dreams and goals and desires more important than anyone else’s?

Nothing was more important than them.

Nothing was more right than this.

Nothing was more perfect.

And I was perfect.

I was an icon.

I was above it all.

I was below them all.

And I was theirs.

I was their salvation.

I was their truth.

I was their love.

And I was irresistible.

They could not resist.

I could not resist.

I did not resist.

I just collapsed underneath the sheer weight of it all, sinking down to the ground where I belonged and assuming my position.

This was it.

It would be over soon. Everyone would be in awe of me and for a while, these men would be sated beyond their—

“GRROARRRrrrRrrrROARRRRRrrRrRrrrROARRRRRRR!”

Silence.

All the angry men were suddenly quiet. Even the wailing had stopped in the wake of that growl. An alpha Not-Luke had appeared…

I didn’t move.

This changed nothing.

A new low dangerous Not-Luke voice said, “You dare touch what is mine!”

Suddenly, every hand, hip, mouth, and male part magically fell away like I’d successfully used my wind powers to make a barrier, except I hadn’t. I couldn’t.

I opened my eyes but didn’t rise.

It wasn’t over.

Not yet.

My eyes cautiously flicked up to observe the other Not-Lukes around me. Their bodies were turned toward the newcomer. I didn’t look at the new arrival. After all, looking had only made things worse thus far.

The dangerous voice continued, coming closer, “You all disgrace the women you claim to yearn for. I banish you from here. May your souls decay in the obscurity of the Asphodel Fields.”

All the Not-Lukes around me disappeared.

I heard more ominous footsteps.

I squeezed my eyes shut.

Here we go.

One last man to please.

The footsteps stopped and a familiar voice, no longer filled with underworldly rage, asked, “Andi, are you okay?”[27] I felt the man kneel down so that he was closer to me, but I didn’t open my eyes.

I didn’t believe it. Instead, I bit my lip, feeling the countless tears on my face, and asked in a small voice, “Are you real?”

A hand suddenly took mine and tried to pull me into a sitting position. It was a gentle touch but I still jerked away from the Not-Luke.

His hand released me.

“I’m sorry,” his voice said apologetically, “I should have let you initiate.”

I shook my head, my hair digging into the muck. I had fallen back onto the ground. “Don’t be sorry,” I said earnestly to the voice that I hoped wasn’t a lie. “None of this is your fault. It was mine. I should have kept a better handle on Cerberus, but he caught a scent I think and then he started running. And then I got all wet and dirty in the river. And then I thought I saw Luke. And then…” I sniffled. I tried to keep talking, but snot and tears came out instead. I finally managed. “I’m sorry. I…I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright, Andi. I get it,” the voice whispered. “Really, I do and yes, I am real. I can prove it to you if you like.”

“How?” I asked. I had thought Luke was real once. That’s how I got into that mess of Not-Lukes.

“Look at me,” the voice said.

I hesitated.

“It’s alright, Andi. Just look,” the voice said encouragingly.

Slowly, I scooted back, sat up, and opened my eyes. He had stood up again, so I let my azure orbs move up his body. First, there was a pair of black combat boots, then a pair of dark jeans, bone pale hands, a silver ring, a leather jacket, a white skull t-shirt, and…

“You’ve gotten gaunter,” I said conclusively. That was the word for it. Not just thinner, but gaunt and he’d done something with his hair. It was shorter. On the whole, the changes weren’t a bad thing aesthetically. The new angles on his features and even the shadows around his soulful eyes were attractive in an emo kid type of way, but I had to ask, “What have they been feeding you? You’re not dead, are you?”

Nico, not Not-Nico? smirked. “They been feeding me normal food and yes, I’m alive. You can tell because I’m not glowing. See? That’s the difference between me and the souls here.” He gestured at the few people that were left around here, mostly girls at this point.

And I did see, but…

“And,” the boy who looked like Nico added, seeing my doubt, “I’ll tell you something that some dream me wouldn’t say.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“I know it’s the underworld influence and all the mud, but Andi, you look horrible,” Nico told me honestly.[28]

I blinked and then I laughed, but it was all wet and weird. I felt wet and weird and dirty and small and very happy to be looking up at one of my best friends. “Nico,” my Nico! “I really missed you,” I whispered feelingly. “I…” I hesitated.

“What is it?” Nico asked gently.

“I think I want a hug?” I said in a small voice. “But…”

Nico opened his arms. “Take your time. I know it can be rough after being here too long.”[29]

I nodded. I looked up at Nico and his small encouraging smile and his bony arms.

I got up. I wanted to run forward and squeeze him tight. I also wanted to run the other way and hide under the nearest bed.

It took time for me to decide to transverse the few feet between us. It took even longer to actually do it. When I finally managed to, it was another few countless minutes before I could make my arms wrap around Nico.

After all the desperate touches and empty embraces of the Not-Lukes, it was hard to convince my body that I wanted this.

Nico’s arms were feathery light noodles, but his embrace was still super warm and comforting.

I couldn’t help it. When the hug went from painful to soul-giving, I let out a loud wail. Suddenly, everyone else on the island was wailing too. Only Nico remained quiet, he held me as I cried out in a tear-soaked voice, “Nico! I really really missed you.”

“I know,” he murmured softly, “I missed you too, but it’s alright now. I got you and you’re safe. We’re safe. Nothing will harm you while I’m here. Okay?”

“Okay?” I repeated. My voice trembled and I squeezed his real warm living body while I continue to cry a countless amount of tears.

And for a long time that was all we did. I cried and gripped Nico tightly, fearing that at any moment he’d change into Not-Nico and he held me gently, reassuring me that he was the real deal and that everything was going to be okay.

By some miracle, after he said it enough times, I actually started to believe him.[30]

Footnotes

[1] I know…this title…Ew, but luckily for us, despite it and the trigger warning up top, the title is a bit misleading. As always, everything is still chilling at PG-13. Just expect Andi to be simping hard and to learn more about her dark past than you probably wanted to.

[2] Slow your roll means as you can guess slow down. I guess C-pups, probably short for Cerberus puppy, is what Andi is calling Cerberus now.

[3] Lots of diversity in this American Greek underworld I suppose. I also suppose Andi knows French. Here Désolé means: Sorry.

[4] Hang time refers to how long a (self-) launched object stays in the air. This term is used a lot in basketball to denote how long a player stays in the air after jumping to score or pass the ball.

[5] Perverse is an interesting word choice. It means contrary…but it is used to describe unusual sexual preferences as well. K9 is short for Canine or Canis, a genus including dogs, wolves, coyotes, and jackals.

[6] ASPCA is short for the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. I think the ad Andi is referring to shows abused dogs as the ballad called Angel by Sarah McLachlan is sung in the background. Some of you might recognize the lyric:

~In the arms of an angel~

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a huge animal person…but that commercial still got to me as a kid.

[7] As Andi said, this is a callback to Luke’s first appearance in the Lightning Thief fic which Peter made fun of in the prologue. I will say that the language here has gotten a serious upgrade from what is in the first fic. And yes, Andi did swoon a bit forcing Luke to catch her in their first meeting.

[8] Luke still has that scar on his eye, but it did not come from his failed quest. Annabeth was the one who got her own quest. She went to the underworld and that trip ‘changed her forever’. This version of Luke, on the other hand, got his scar from an incident before camp. He claims he received it in the battle with the minotaur. Though, I have doubts.

[9] An ingénue is an innocent or unsophisticated young woman.

[10] More on this letter later.

[11] Once upon a time, a master weaver named Arachne battled against Athena in a tapestry contest…yeah not a great idea. Worse, Arachne’s tapestry was basically a classical, one-of-a-kind, and almost impossibly intricate and beautiful porno of the gods which pissed off Athena. The virgin goddess tore that thing up and Arachne supposedly hung herself out of shame to which Athena responded by making Arachne a spider so Arachne could keep on weaving…yeah…death might have been nicer. A LOT of sewing would be required to recreate one of Arachne’s masterpieces by hand…it would possibly take a few lifetimes. For reference, recently, a guy took 18 years/10,000 hours to hand stitch a classic Bayeux Tapestry (which is an underwhelming tapestry to look at if you ask me.) Even Arachne used a loom to make her tapestries. Getting to the point, I believe Andi is combining the meaning of sew and so. Hence, Andi is saying she’s a few lifetimes worth of sorry.

[12] That sounds great to me, an American who is all too aware of the shackle that is student debt. More on this college offer later.

[13] There are actually more Andi-based cities on Planet Andi. Though Anditropolis, Anditopia, New Andi, Andi Bay, and San Andi show up most often, there is also Andi Town, Anditon, Andi Park, West Andi, Andromeda, St. Andromeda, Port Andromeda, Andromeda A. S., Andi Beach, Santa Andi, Andiville, and Las Andi-lasses. These get mentioned intermittently throughout the Lightning Thief fic and once in the Sea of Monster fic.

[14] Translation: “Whoopsie,” I said, before I suddenly laughed in a high-pitched girly titter that I hated and the wiggles appeared saying for me, “it looks like I’m all wet and dirty.”

[15] It is unclear but this implies that Luke has had his finger on Andi’s mouth this whole time including when she ducked her head. To me, it was too weird not to keep in.

[16] This paradise found comment is probably a reference to Paradise Lost which is an epic poem by John Milton which starred the devil tempting Adam and Eve out of Eden.

[17] I consulted with my Delta Reader and I decided to cut like 80-ish% of this ‘and ever’ segment. I hope you don’t mind the abridged version.

[18] I agree with Andi…screw this guy. Once upon a time, a man named Acontius saw a well-born Athenian maiden named Cydippe at a festival and fell in love with her. However, Cydippe who liked to hang out by the temple of Artemis (hint hint) was not interested in his attempts at courtship. Instead of being a decent human being and respecting her preferences, Acontius came up with a plan. On an apple, he wrote the words, “I swear by Artemis (though in some versions the vow is made to Artemis, Hera, and Aphrodite) that I will marry Acontius”. He then threw the apple at Cydippe’s feet while she was at Artemis’s temple. Cydippe being a woman in Greek Mythology is curious, so she picked the apple up and read the message aloud. Not a smart move. Because she said the words in the temple and invoked the goddess’s name, the words became an unbreakable vow. So, eventually, Cydippe and her father realized she could not marry anyone else and her father married her to Acontius.

[19] Andi is assuming Hero is a guy. She is not.

[20] Once upon a time, a man named Leander fell in love with a Sestos priestess of Aphrodite named Hero. Ironically, the Sestos priestesses of the goddess of love, sex, and desire were under oath to stay virgins. However, Leander and Hero thought they could defy the goddess of love’s double standard by having him swim up to Hero’s tower by the sea each night using a candle light from her tower window as a guide. It worked for a while, but then they got overconfident and too horny for their own good. On one questionable night, Hero lit her candle and Leander left out. It was too stormy and the wind blew the candle out during Leander’s crossing. Thus, Leander got lost and drowned. When Hero saw his dead body, she drowned herself as well.

[21] More on this later.

[22] Pyramus and Thisbe were two star-crossed lovers who remind me of Romeo and Juliet. Once upon a time, there was a young couple who loved each other very much, but their parents hated one another so the couple tried to elope. When Thisbe gets to their meeting spot, she sees a freaking lion there and she is like: I’ll be back later. Unfortunately, the girl leaves her cloak behind in her rush to get out. Then Pyramus arrives and sees the lion playing with said cloak. Somehow blood got on it and thus, Pyramus assumes that the lion killed Thisbe. Instead of I don’t know…confirming the facts, killing the lion, or praying to the gods, Pyramus immediately goes for the permanent solution to his woes and kills himself using some blood-covered white berries from a nearby mulberry tree. Then when Thisbe shows back up, she sees that Pyramus is dead and kills herself with Pyramus’s sword. They say mulberries are red to commemorate the tragic end of this love story.

[23] Warning: We are about to dive into Andromeda’s dark past. Hope you all are ready for a bad time.

[24] OP stands for overpowered. Pandemonium is a fancy word for chaos.

[25] The person who suggested this is probably Pygmalion. Once upon a time, there was a sculptor who fell in love with a statue he had carved, named Galatea. Surprisingly, this story, traditionally, has a pretty happy ending. When the sculptor asked for Aphrodite’s help, she brought his statue to life. Interestingly, in the Disney Hercules cartoon, Pygmalion is depicted as an old man who is married to a young Galatea...I am unsure if this is truly related, but regardless, I feel like the interpretation here is that Pygmalion died while his magical statue wife lived on forever youthful and unchanging which is tragic.

[26] Melancholia is a feeling of deep sadness or melancholy. In the olden times, it was the name for severe depression. Mad keenness means a lot of eagerness or sexual desire.

[27] Normally the term would be otherworldly, basically meaning supernatural, but since we are in the underworld, underworldly it is, I guess. Also, I wonder if this is a reference to the Michael Jackson song, Smooth Criminal:

~Annie, are you okay? So, Annie, are you okay? Are you okay, Annie?~

[28] It was noted in the Lightning Thief fic that Andi looks worse in the underworld. She got her first pimple and she complained the place made her hair frizz. Bianca had a field day about this and eventually, Hades confirmed that Andi as a child of Zeus was ill-suited to his domain. Apparently, before she became Hades’s wife, Persephone had similar problems.

[29] Nico! When I first read this, I was so happy to see him here being so nice. Ah man if I didn’t like Nico before, his appearance here would have sold it. But also, more on this later.

[30] What did I say? I freaking love this kid! I am so glad Nico came in with the save like he did and this hug! So good! Speaking of hugs, our comforting hug count is at like 5, excluding Andi’s Feel-Andi-Good hugs. I do not think that it is a coincidence that Andi’s and New Moon’s/Peter’s journeys share similar themes. If nothing else, I’m fairly certain that just like me, Alpha R is a huge fan of healing hugs. They show up in the Lightning Thief fic and there are a ton of hugs in the Sea of Monsters fic as well since that was such an emotional ride. This was an emotional ride. Jeez...I hope you all survived.

Chapter Text

Chapter 33: I Want To Stay In T.R.A.S.H. Forever

(Peter)

Have you ever skipped a meal?

Back when I was younger and it was just me and my mom, there were loads of times when I would skip dinner. Instead of eating, I hung out in the living room, watching TV or building my latest best-lock set while I waited for her to get off of work.[1]

She wouldn’t arrive home from her late shift until past midnight, but I’d always be there to greet her when she came through the door of our little apartment. After a big hug, she’d grab two bowls of probably stale off-brand captain crunch and we’d sit down at our plastic dinner table. Mom would pour the milk for us and remind me for the umpteenth time that I shouldn’t skip dinner or wait up for her to finish her weekend shifts.

I’d wave off her lecture by telling her I wasn’t really hungry anyway and then I’d say something like, “I would love to go to bed on time, but that would require you to come home and tuck me in,” which we both knew was impossible.

Then she’d narrow her eyes and say, “You just eat your dinner, you smart-mouthed sea slug,” in her mock-serious tone.

I’d roll my eyes, but do what she said and take my first bite of cereal.

No matter how stale the cereal was, that first bite always tasted fucking delicious because I was always hungry by that time.

Who wouldn’t be after hours of not eating?

Yet somehow it always blew my little kid mind that I could go from totally not hungry to starving in the space of one bite. And once I got that bite, I would be chowing down on my cereal so fast that it’d be gone before the milk had a chance to turn blue.

That’s what it was like to work at The Remedial Artisan School of Hephaestus aka T.R.A.S.H. Except instead of food, it was happiness and normalcy that I had been hungry for and now I couldn’t get enough. It was crazy how afraid I’d been when I first arrived here. I can clearly remember freaking the fuck out before I got my first taste of T.R.A.S.H…

The first thing I’d noticed when Talass brought me inside of T.R.A.S.H. were the screams. They echoed off the walls and filled the space, but they weren’t the craziest thing about the place. I could hardly believe my eyes when I saw the sea of tangled golden conveyer belts supported by Grecian columns that jutted out at odd angles. The belts shifted and contorted like a pile of restless metal serpents causing the columns to shorten and elongate as necessary. And if it were not for the ominous holes that seemed to appear at random showing that the floor and ceiling were mirrors, I might have thought the whole twisted mass of belts went on forever, carrying cars, furniture, jewelry, weapons, and…

Us!

Before I knew it, Talass had placed Grover, Bianca, Zoë, and me onto separate conveyor belts. I fought to get off and go back to the safety of the entry room, but I was stuck to the golden surface of my belt.

We were all trapped.

“Stop this at once, foul automaton,” Zoë shouted, “My goddess will have your head!”

Bianca and I just cried out for help.

But the giant robot just waved while she watched us be dragged into the chaos. Her parting words were, “We Hope You Enjoy Your Orientation!”

Meanwhile, Grover was shouting too, but even though his belt had turned him upside down and his arms were hanging loose, all he said was “Woo-hoo!” as he was carried towards the ceiling and away from us.

Then Bianca was pulled to the right. Zoë went left. And I went down toward the mirrored floor. As the hard glass came up to meet me, I resisted the urge to close my eyes and saw a hexagonal opening appear in the nick of time. I went through it, dropping down a vertical tunnel into another maze of writhing belts. I then was thrown left and into a loop-de-loop, a few sharp turns, and a couple of dips, before going through the floor again.

It was around the fourth time I found myself in a new area right after I went through a crazy twist on my belt that left me hanging upside down that I began to feel…lighter.

I did not understand it. It was not a physical sensation. Physically, I was feeling like I had left my stomach in another room.

I surveyed the space I was currently in trying to understand what was occurring. Among all the objects on the belts, there were monsters and even a few regular-looking humans. They were screaming with their arms up like I had seen Grover do.

The few people who noticed me looking grinned at me and I realized they didn’t think this was some sinister trap meant to disorient them. They were having…fun on this odd Grecian rollercoaster. Moreover, I was having fun too?

I was having fun.

That was the feeling. I was happy because this was fun!

I opened my mouth and yelled, “Woo-hoo!”

My voice joined the chorus of screams around me. I let the insanity of the ride override my New Moon paranoia and had FUN!

Of course, anything that good couldn’t last.

Less than 5 minutes after I decided to enjoy the madness, I was going through another hexagonal tunnel. Instead of just passing through it, a panel on the side of the tunnel opened up and I was burped into a large hexagonal room.

I stumbled but I managed to catch myself before I crashed into anything. Instantly alert, I stood up and inspected the new space.

On one side there was a bed, a small table covered in books, and the type of mini fridge you’d expect to see in a hotel. On the other side, was a workbench, a gamer-level desktop, some shiny machines I didn’t recognize, a huge fireplace, an anvil, and standing in one of the corners was:

A seriously hot girl.

It didn’t matter that she was made of solid gold and her smile was black. She was built like a wet dream.

“Master Peter?” she asked, coming towards me.

“Uh…” I said, trying to regain my composure.

The woman closed the distance and took my wrist.

Panic shot through me.

I had let my guard down!

I needed to get into a defensive position and re-evaluate the situation now.

I tried to slip free of her grasp but she was too strong.

The golden girl jerked my hand up to her eyes and stared intently at my fingers. “These Are Your Prints,” she concluded and I realized she sounded a lot like Talass. Considering that and the gold plating, she had to be a robot.

The robot dropped my hand and took a step back. “Master Peter,” she said, “Welcome Back. Would You Still Like To Be Addressed As Master Peter?”

Master Peter? Now that I was done freaking out the name registered. Also, she’d just said welcome back. This was raising a bunch of red flags. “Look,” I said, stepping to the side and away from the sexy robot. “I guess I’ve technically been here before, but I lost my memory recently. I don’t know anything about you, this place, or whatever weird relationship we used to have. So, you don’t have to call me, Master Peter. Just Peter is perfectly fine.”

“JUST Peter,” the robot repeated, cocking her head to the side. “I See. I Am Sorry For Your Loss. Your Epithet Preference Has Been Noted. I Hope We Can Make A New Start, Just Peter.”

“Wait.” I think I’d had more than my fair share of epithets. Thank you very much. “I don’t even want you to call me Just Peter. I just want you to call me: Peter,” I said as clearly as I could.

The robot shook her head. “I Am Sorry, Just Peter. I Am Afraid I Cannot Do That. PROTOCOL 5374617274 Is Very Clear.[2] Every Artisan Needs An Appropriate Epithet Or Title,” she explained. “Common Choices Include MASTER, AWESOME, LADY, OVERLORD, PRINCESS, CRAFTY, WITTY, MIS—”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” I said quickly, “If you need an epithet so bad, why don’t you just call me New…”

I felt my stomach squeeze.

Damn it!

I wasn’t Pe—

I mean I wasn’t New Moon!

I was Peter.

I was fucking Peter!

How hard was it to remember my own damn name?

“NEW,” the robot repeated as I struggled to keep it together, “Your Epithet Preference Has Been Noted, New Peter. It Is Regrettable That Your Memory Banks Are Malfunctioning. However, PROTOCOL 4e756c6c Is Very Clear.[3] Since You Cannot Remember Your First Visit, Allow Me To Begin At The Beginning And Give You The Standard Orientation:

Welcome To The Remedial Artisan School of Hephaestus. You Have Been Deposited Here Because The Outside World Does Not Value You As They Should. However, We Believe:

It’s Never Too Late To MAKE A Difference™

At The Remedial Artisan School of Hephaestus, We Try To Give Every Sentient Being A Chance To Shine. No Matter Your Background, Species, Or Past, We Offer The Opportunity To Get Back On Your Feet, Learn Some New Skills, And MAKE A Real Difference In The World. Here There Is No Such Thing As Junk Or Trash. All Things Have A Use When They Are Under The Protection Of The World’s Greatest Craftsmen.”

At this point, the robot girl gestured at the workbench area. A widescreen TV came down from the ceiling and began to play a video. It showed a beefy old man at his forge banging away at something before he turned and smiled awkwardly. He looked like a grimier version of Santa Claus with a grey beard and stained apron.[4]

“Hello there,” he said, “I used to be like you. I was useless, lonely, and ugly. My own birth mother didn’t want me. She threw me away thinking that I was junk, but then my real family saved me and helped me find a new purpose. I discovered that worth isn’t defined by how broken you are, but by what you can fix.”

He grabbed the thing he was working on and said, “See this.” He was holding a metal shield with a large blue gem laced with golden veins that flowed out to the edges in a cool spiral design. “It was made from some twisted golden arrows, scrap metal, and a crack gemstone,” he explained. “That’s us. Some people start out as trash but with some hard work and training, anything can be valuable. Or at least that’s the metaphor.”

He shrugged. “If you want to go back up to the place and people who threw you away, I won’t stop you, but this is your chance to feel good about yourself. So, build a widget. If you like the process, consider sticking around. Otherwise, good luck I guess.” After an awkward nod, the video transitioned to another golden robot lady who was standing in a room similar to mine.

She explained that I was in a crafts school, my robot was my teacher, and that if I was good and diligent, I could have an awesome life here. It was around this time that I was feeling well enough to think hard about what the video was telling me.

One of my favorite pitstops in PJO was the Lotus Hotel. After facing monsters and helping out Ares, it was nice to see Percy, Annabeth, and Grover find a piece of paradise. Nothing tried to kill them there. In fact, I was really impressed Percy managed to leave. I mean infinite games, food, and entertainment?

Sign me up!

Even C.C.’s resort had its appeal. Maybe if Circe had tried to seduce Annabeth with architecture and math instead of magic, Annabeth would have stayed. The place was another type of paradise, so it’s a good thing I hadn’t been given the option.

My life was fucking hard right now. I was barely holding onto my sanity, so true determination and making difficult decisions were out of the question.

I had to applaud the fic. I mean if I was ever going to be distracted from my quest, it was going to be now. If I hadn’t read the books and lived my year as New Moon that is.

But I had.

I knew this fic wasn’t PJO, New Moon’s world, or even mine, but in most places: you can’t get something for nothing. Maybe if I was a Mary Sue, things would be different, but I wasn’t.

So, when the video ended and the robot asked if I’d like to start a project, I looked at one of the hottest humanoids I’d ever seen standing in one of the coolest setups I’d ever seen and knew I had to turn it all down. “I would love to get started,” I said being 100% truthful, “but I’m on a quest. I can’t stay.”

My mom was waiting for me and so were answers and Annabeth. Both sides of my brain agreed:

Though I wanted to rest, I had to press on.

The automaton who had been getting out tools suddenly turned back to me. “You Are On A Quest?”

“Yes, so it is important that I continue on my journey. I would love to return later though?” I added in response to the automaton’s unchanging expression which still somehow managed to seem displeased.

“The Remedial Artisan School of Hephaestus Has Special Protocol For Questing Parties,” the automaton informed me. “Shall I Request FORM 51756573742050726f746f636f6c For Your Withdrawal?”[5]

“Yes, thank you,” I confirmed, though I did not believe the automaton would do as she promised. I just wanted her to leave the room, so I could escape this utopian prison.

“Very Well, New Peter.” The automaton nodded. “While I Request FORM 51756573742050726f746f636f6c For Your Withdrawal, Please Make Yourself At Home Here. Perhaps You Could Catch Up On Your Emails,” she said, gesturing at the desktop which turned on in response to her movement.

My eyes flitted over to the screen. I meant to give it the briefest glance to provide the illusion of compliance. However, that didn’t happen.

While I stared at the screen, the robot continued, “I Recovered Your Account And Re-Installed The Appropriate Filters. I Hope It Is To Your Liking, New Peter. You Can Give Me Your Review When I Return.”

I heard her move to the center of the room where the tube was. The robot said, “

DEPARTMENT 50656f706c65205265736f7572636573

FORM 51756573742050726f746f636f6c.”[6]

I heard the tube open and close. I assume the robot went inside, but I didn’t check. My legs had taken me towards the desktop. It was the first computer I’d gotten to touch since getting stuck inside this fic, but that wasn’t why I was mesmerized, not by a long shot.

I had known things might get trippy when I learned that this universe’s me had come here before but this was something else. The reason I couldn’t look away was that I was staring at a page full of notifications about updates, PMs, and weirdest of all, reviews, all from the same site.

Before I knew it, I had clicked on the latest email.

PerryJotterson_87,

A new review has been posted to your story.

Story: Fleur Delacour And The Girl Who Studied

Chapter: 159. Before Midnight

From:[7]
Reply URL:[8]
-------------------

I know it’s been like forever since you last updated, but is there any chance you’re gonna write more?!? I’ve reread this story so many times. This is like my favorite fic ever! Fleur and Hermione are so cute!!!! I NEED to know what happens at the Yule ball. Please if you’re not dead, finish the story!

-------------------
Do not reply to this email.

 

FanFiction.Net Messaging Service

What the actual fuck?!?

There had to be some mistake. I scrolled through more reviews and a lot of PMs from someone named BetaAnn. There were multiple pages of this shit.

Fuck it.

I decided to bite the bullet and got onto Fanfiction.Net. My email was already filled out.

I typed in my password, hoping it wouldn’t be that easy.

It was.

By Artemis’s Bow…

Against my better judgment, I went to Perry Jotterson_87’s account to look at the user profile and found this:

Hey!

Thank you for actually f*** checking my profile

I’m not dead!

(Probably)

I’m just on the move. Updates will be slow for a while. I know the timing is s*** but hey I don’t make the rules. Give me a few more months to get my s*** together and then yeah, it’ll be time for the Yule Ball!

;)

Now onto your regularly scheduled profile s***:

Hey all,

I started writing fanfic a few months after reading Goblet of Fire. It seems like we’re never going to get the next book.

I know everyone says they like Harry Potter but I f*** LOVE it. I wish I was a wizard and could learn magic instead of being a lame muggle with lame powers. Hermione is basically a f*** goddess and could probably save the world by herself. I keep waiting for Harry to stop being a wet d*** and make a move on the best girl around, but I’ll leave that to JKR and the HXH shippers.

Me, I’m just happy to write my AU about the best witch going to someplace that’ll actually appreciate her. I realize a Fleur POV is a sue in the making but like who gives a f***? There aren’t a lot of named characters to work with when it comes to Beauxbatons Academy and the Veela thing is pretty cool. So, deal with it. After all, this is fanfic:

Don’t like. Don’t read. I don’t f*** care.

Peace!

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You’re still here?

Well, have some favorites then:

Favorite Book: Harry Potter (duh)

Favorite Movie: National Treasure

Favorite Game: I like puzzles I guess

Favorite Live-Action TV Show: Everybody Loves Raymond (long story)

Favorite Cartoon: X-Men

Favorite Comic: I don’t read them much, but Spider-Man is pretty cool

Favorite Characters: Hermione Granger(duh), Harry/Harriet/Amorie Potter, Fleur Delacour, Rogue, Gwen Stacey, Percy Weasley (long story), Gambit, Spider-Man

Favorite Genres: I don’t do smut but anything else goes

Favorite Couples: HermioneXAnyone Who Isn’t Old Or Ron (Seriously f*** off Ron), GwenXPeter, RogueXGambit

Favorite Hobbies: Reading(duh), Writing(duh), Building S***, Swimming, Puzzles

Favorite Quote: “But from that moment on, Hermione Granger became their friend. There are some things you can't share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a twelve-foot mountain troll is one of them.”

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Oh…you thought I forgot to mention my house, didn’t you?

Nice try, but nah, not today. Of course, I’ve given it a s*** ton of thought. I bet the sorting hat would try to put me in Ravenclaw, but I would definitely choose to be in Gryffindor. Sure, Ravenclaw sounds cool and stuff, but let’s be honest: Gryffindor is where the action(and Hermione!) is at. Plus, Prof. McGonigal is so much cooler than Prof. Flitwick.

Take that, birdbrains!

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What now?

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Seriously. Go away.

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There is way too much good s*** out there for you to be wasting your time reading this.

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And I got a fic to write.

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Damn, you’re persistent. Here. Have another quote:

“If a book is a dream, then fanfiction is for people who are smart enough to realize that they don’t have to wake up.”

– Anonymous

Now, I gotta go live my muggle life. You should do the same or f*** read my fic and leave a s*** ton of cool reviews.

You obviously got a lot of time on your hands. Just saying ;)

Either way:

Deuces!

I wish I could say this wasn’t this universe’s me, but:

• I had gotten in using my password.
• Perry Jotterson wasn’t that different from my own name.
• We had similar hobbies and favorites.
• And even if I could say all that was the fic just fucking with me, I recognized the quote at the bottom. It said anonymous, but I knew where it came from: I had made it up myself.

I sat back in my chair.

When had I decided to sit down?

I didn’t fucking know. Did it fucking matter? The Peter Johnson of this world was a Harry fucking Potter nerd who had written a 100K+ incomplete Mary Sue fanfic about some chick named Fleur Delacour.

A part of me knew this was of little consequence. I had suffered fates much worse than this. Truly, this was trivial compared to New Moon’s tragic past and I had much more pressing problems. Annabeth, New Moon, my mother…

But goddamn it!

Even after everything else that had happened, this…

This felt fucking personal.

Why else would his profile say shit like ‘Deuces’ and that ‘demigod powers were lame’?

Why else would he have written an unapologetic Mary Sue fic of Harry Potter?

What other reason could there possibly be for him to have Percy Fucking Weasley as a favorite character?

Nobody liked Percy Weasley. Even I knew that!

And: Don’t like. Don’t read. Don’t fucking get me started!

No, this wasn’t an accident or the whim of some amorphous god, this was a targeted fucking attack on everything I fucking stood for. How fucking dare they use my fucking name and make this fucking Tool sound happier than I’d been in fucking years. I couldn’t let this go and they knew it.

They fucking knew me.

I still remembered the look I’d gotten in the big house from forever ago. That angry face still managed to be terrifying even after all the shit I’d been through and I had been through shit: Percy’s mis-claiming, my Iris Message with my Other Mother, my talk with Mr. D, the whole episode with the Nemean Lion, New Moon, Apollo, Andi disappearing before I could apologize and literally everything else that had happened since I’d gotten to this world.

Just pain in the ass after pain in the ass after pain in the ass and it had been a fucking distraction. I’d been so caught up in worrying about staying alive, avoiding the Sue, dealing with New Moon’s bullshit, and then making the mistake of being happy for 5 goddamn minutes that I never asked the fucking question I should have thought of fucking ages ago:

“Who the fuck is writing this story?”

“You Are,” a voice from behind me said.

I whirled around, but it was just the robot. She was carrying a giant pile of paperwork. “I Know That You Plan To Leave And You Do Not Remember Me, But I Am So Happy That We Have Been Reunited. I Can, At Last, Share A Copy Of Your Fanfic So That You Can Finally Finish Your Marvelous Mesmerizing Masterpiece.”

She beamed at me with those black teeth of hers and something inside me snapped. I started to laugh the sort of laugh you make before you realize you’re about to die, so yeah…

Good fucking job fic.

You managed to surprise me yet again. I had no fucking idea I could hate you any more than I already do. But then you had to make it fucking personal.

Well.

FUCK!

YOU!

And…

Fuck me.

The tears started. Because of fucking course they did.

I knew I was overset.

But I didn’t fucking care!

“Peter?” the robot said, “Do you want a hug?” [9]

“NO!” that was the last thing I wanted. “I just want to go home back before I’d gone through fucking shit and be normal-ass Peter Johnson again.”

Not the guy who couldn’t even have an emotional breakdown without part of his brain telling him he’s overwrought and should be focusing on his continual survival so he could aid Annabeth and complete her quest.

Because fuck being selfless and self-sacrificing.

“I want to be the type of stupid idiot who reads fanfiction, writes reviews like they’re the most important thing in the world, goes to school, hangs out with his friends, and pretends like he doesn’t want to watch Suits with his mom, but does and loves doing it because it’s their show. Is that so much to ask?”

But I already knew the answer to that:

Yes, it was.

I would never be that guy again. Being in this fic had ruined me.

I could scarcely imagine going back to my small and petty existence after the turmoil I’d experienced.

I didn’t even know who I was anymore. And this fic was mocking me for it. Mocking everything I used to be and now, thanks to New Moon, I had access to a live-in critic who questioned every thought and decision I made that didn’t align with her own.

I was already fighting Mary Sues, bad plotting, crazy gods, and all sorts of other bullshit, but what was I supposed to do against a world that had an actual personal fucking vendetta against me?[10]

Goddamn it. I was just…

“Here,” it was the robot. It was still here and it was holding out a Cookies and Cream Hershey’s.

It was my favorite candy bar and also not.

For an entire year, I had preferred environmentally-friendly dark chocolate Hunter bars and believed commercialized white chocolate tasted suspiciously like sugared plastic and child labor.[11]

The robot opened the candy bar for me and held it up to my mouth. I could smell it. The scent was familiar and comforting, but also way too sweet and artificial. My stomach twisted from the dissonance.

Fuck it!

I took a bite to silence the unwanted New Moon commentary.

It tasted good!

While I chewed on the chocolate, I focused on the robot and somehow her words managed to be exactly what I needed to hear.[12]

I finished my candy bar, wiped away my tears, and decided not to fill out the paperwork I needed to continue my doomed quest for Annabeth, Mom, and my unachievable old life. Instead, I followed the robot to the workbench and started my first project as New Peter.

I honestly couldn’t tell how much time had passed since then. That all could have happened hours or days ago. Once I was in the zone, things like that became pretty arbitrary.

I did my repairs, made some new stuff, and worked with Anna. She was always there to instruct me on how to do something or fetch me a snack. Anna made the best snacks, but even better than that perk was the fact that when I was doing my thing, I didn’t have to deal with stomach pains, the urge to call deities by their epithets, or my thoughts descending into weird old-timey flowery language. While I was working, there was no one in my brain except for the New and Improved Peter Johnson.

And it was GREAT!

Right now, I, unfortunately, wasn’t working, but that was okay. It was mealtime. I didn’t know which meal. At T.R.A.S.H, there’s no distinction between them. They just happened at regular intervals. But get this, I was having my meal with my friends.

That’s right. I had friends again!

And they liked talking fanfiction, superheroes, books, and of course, they wanted to hear about my latest project. Anna had gotten me started on goldsmithing. I was repairing a giant bird claw with retractable talons. It was so cool!

“Dude, that doesss sssound sssuper cool,” Amazing Ally said in agreement. She was a rehabilitated Gello demon.[13] “Maybe we ssshould collaborate on a gold and sssilver automaton.”

I took a bite out of my pizza and nodded. “You’re past level 19 in silver, right?”

“Yesss,” she hissed. “And I have level 4 in gold. We could enter sssomething into the next expo together.”

Beardless Eugene, a baby-faced satyr with attitude, leaned back in his chair with a pretzel stick hanging out of his mouth like a cigarette. “Your fancy metalworking is interesting and all, but brass is doing me just fine. I’ve made nearly enough instruments for an entire marching band,” he bragged.

“What about the French horn problem?” I asked.

Beardless Eugene chomped angrily on his pretzel stick.

I smirked. “You should really talk to one of the Musicals.”

“And lose my bet!?” he exclaimed. “No way! I’m going to prove us Lovebots are masters of all trades.”

I understood his point. Every goddess bot had a specialty. If you picked one of the Muses you got to work on papermaking, instruments, mechanical pencils, etc. If you picked Iris, it was glasswork. Demeter handled agriculture and garden equipment. Artemis was camping gear and archery accessories. Hebe bots did toys.[14] Persephone was jewelry.[15] And so on. You’d think Aphrodite would be sex toys or something, but that was Peitho.[16] Aphrodite’s category was all of the above and then some. She was a jack of all trades, or as the Musicals, Green Thumbs, Girl Scouts, and all the other cliques liked to say: master of none.[17]

Personally, I liked the variety, but Beardless Eugene who just wanted the ability to customize his Aphrodite bot into a pseudo-Athena bot, was miffed that the satyrs in the Musical clique made fun of him.[18] I totally got that he just wanted to get back at them, but still, “It’s your productivity percentage,” I said.

“Don’t worry. Thena is keeping me on track with my other stuff,” he claimed. “I got until next mealtime to win the bet.”

“Well,” Amazing Ally said, “I guesss that meansss you haven’t finished Web of Liesss yet?”[19]

This time, Beardless Eugene smirked and said, “Guess again.”

“Finally!” I cried out. “I can’t wait to—”

“Peter,” someone said.

Beardless Eugene, Amazing Ally, and I turned.

“Oh, look,” Beardless Eugene said, “It’s a Girl Scout.”

Specifically, Bianca. Since I didn’t know her title, I just asked, “What are you doing here?”

The daughter of Hades was looking between the others and me. “I need to talk to you,” she said. “Alone.”

Shit. I was afraid she’d say that. “Can’t it wait?” I asked. “I’m in the middle of…”

It seemed that shit-your-pants death glares ran in the Hades family.

I turned back to my friends. “I’ll be back.” Hopefully.