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Chapter Text

Shadow Preachers

Harry shouldn't be surprised when the article spread all over the news

"Briana Jungwirth is pregnant with the member of One Direction, Louis Tomlinson 's child"

It has been hours since he lied on the empty bed, can't help himself but trembling and sobbing helplessly.

"It's just a stupid mistake Harry. It's not his fault.

" The younger boy keeps whispering to himself. Well, lying actually. His whole body is burning from inside out, Tears stream down. Is this the feeling of heart break? He can't blame Louis for cheating. He didn't give him enough caring which he should have. It's his fault, he had it coming.

Every single night, the older boy comes home with love bits on his neck. And Harry? He tolerates, keep ignoring it like there's nothing is going on with them. But everyday is like a knife stabs into the younger boy's heart over and over again.

Louis has changed.

Or in Harry 's word——their relationship has changed.

Harry tried to talk to him, but Louis always changes the topic. Harry is the one who's trying to fix their broken relationship, but the beautiful boy who used to be so caring doesn't give a fuck.

Harry doesn't bother to tell him that he's sick, and it's getting pretty bad. He eats painkillers to reduce the pain that he can barely stand everyday.

When Louis hangs out with the other girls at night, the situation gets much worse. He usually wakes up screaming, with sweats all over his fragile body because of the nightmares. He needs someone, or something to rely on, but the boy who is supposed to comfort him is no longer here.

Running out of options, Harry has no choice but to rely on all sorts of drugs, cigarettes. He calls Niall and Liam sometimes, but they aren't enough for healing the deep scars in his heart.

His condition is getting much worse these days, but the older boy doesn't even noticed. Harry always lies on the bed, drowning himself in his own tears——like right now.

But this time, this feeling is killing him. Harry's afraid to text him. He'll forgive him for getting briana pregnant, of course he will.

To be honest, sometimes he doesn't even know why he's tolerating all these bullshits. He just wants to escape from all these dramas. He wants to give up. He truly does.

But He believes that Louis still needs him. Harry is the one who does all the housework, slowly teaching the older boy how to manage his own life. He sacrificed so much, gave up so many opportunities which could've made his life much better, but he didn't. But what did he get in return? And article which is tearing him apart?

He texts Louis for a thousand of times, asking , begging him to come home, no one respond for sure. Harry is drunk. Really drunk that he's head is about to explode. All he wants to do right now is to drown himself in alcohol because everything around is pointless. Louis is the only thing that matters.

Looking back the memories they had, Louis used to be sweet, caring.

He doesn't know why he changed, but Harry blames all of it to himself. He's not good enough for the older boy. Louis is attractive, talented, charming, the girls crave for him.

He's the light to Harry's world, and Harry is the darkness slowly drowning him in the poison. Harry believes everything people say about him——forgot, worthless, an untalented piece of shit. The boy with ocean blue eyes is the only good thing that happened to his god damn life.

Hoe long can he hold on? Pretending everything is just fine, keep being positive, doing those interviews while everyday he's dying on the inside.

He's head feels like it's about to explode. Is it worth it? Everything that he's suffering right now? Why does he have to lie to himself? Wouldn't it be sure much easier if he just...... End himself?

Millions of thoughts running through his mind until he can't take it anymore. He slowly whips his Tears, trying to get himself on the bed, which costs all of his strength.

Harry's fragile body is trembling which makes it harder to walk. He heads to the bathroom without hesitation, knowing damn well what he's about to do. He's truly at his limit this time, thinking about what their relationship used to be..... So bright, just like a beautiful dream.

Now he finally wakes up and the pain is killing him. Everything is just too much for him to handle.

He slowly moves to the mirror, pick up a small razor blade that is behind it.

This is not the first time for him to cut himself. He moves the blade against him wrist, watching the fresh blood running down, dropping on the empty floor, somehow He feels relieve.

The burn on his skin can almost covers The ache in his heart. What if the older boy sees these deep cuts? Would He worry? Or more likely, simply doesn't care.

Why would he care about someone who disappoint him over and over again? Tears stream down from his pale face.

He miss Louis, there's no word to describe how much he wants the older boy show up right now and holds him stop the younger boy from hurting himself, cuddling him to sleep. "How pathetic you are" Harry whispers, putting on a wry smile.

"He doesn't give a shit about you, and that's your own fault, you can only blame it to yourself. You deserve this. "He once again whispers, watching the blood drops on the floor non-stop, he decides to go to bed.

He's exhausted, really fucking exhausted,he had wasted all of his energy on sobbing for hours. He cleans up the blood on his wound, the freezing Water makes him chill.

Harry slowly moves himself to the bedroom and directly jumps to the empty bed. He's stop wearing his boyfriend 's shirt because it smells like him. It doesn't take him a long time to fall asleep after such a long day.

Chapter Text

Harry isn't sure how long he has slept but it's already morning when he wakes up. He was exhausted because of those drama that happened so he needed a rest.

But he has to face his real life so he sits up and unlocks his phone.

“Shit shit shit”He whispers as he sees 27 missed calls. 12 from Simon, 9 from Liam, 6 from Niall. He's head is a total messed up, he must forgot about something important.

After spending a minute preparing himself, he takes a deep breaths and decides to call Simon back.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU KID?! THE GOD DAMN INTERVIEW IS STARTING IN 15 MINUTES! ” The man on the phone sighs and adds “You better not ruin it, Styles ”

“I'm..... I'm sorry I wasn't feeling well. ”Harry whispers to the phone, closing his eyes, thinking about the storm that is about to come.

“Fine. Are you able to come? ”Clearly Simon is pissed. And of course he doesn't care about the boy. “Yeah, I'll be there in 5 minutes. ”Harry answers, knowing he'll definitely regret this later.

After hanging up the phone, he rushes to the closet, picking up a clean T—shirt and jeans. He doesn't know and not able time think what to wear, the only think that he's thinking about is Louis. How the he'll is he going to face him?

Doing some stupid interviews, answering pointless questions, like nothing is going wrong. Tears once again fall down after he sees Louis' shirt. They used to share the same clothes, slept on the same bed, but not anymore.

“Fuck don't be so vulnerable. It's not the right time for another mental breakdown ”Harry whips his Tears off his face. Before leaving his apartment, he sees a tiny metal razor blade on the table. The boy with green eyes hesitates for a second before pulling it into his pocket. “Just in case. ”

When Harry arrives there, it's only 4 minutes away from the interview.

“Gosh, Harry are you alright? We heard you're sick! ”Once he steps into the room, Liam jumps off the couch and rushes to Harry. “Damn, mate you look awful! What happened to you? ”Liam asks, obviously he looks so stressed and worried.

“I'm fine Liam, sorry for being so late”Harry apologizes with a weak voice while scanning around, looking for the boy with beautiful ocean eyes.

But once he finds him, and who he is with, on his lap, Harry's heart nearly stopped. He's with..... Briana.

A girl with long blonde hair is right now sitting on his boyfriend 's lap, giggling with him. This can't be fucking real..... No, shit there must be something wrong. No, No, No this is a fucking mistake, it's Simon's order. Harry tries to calm himself down but WHY THE FUCK IS SHE SITTING ON LOUIS'S LAP?!

Suddenly everything is too much for him，his
heart isn't strong enough to take it. Louis notices the younger boy, he looks at him with no facial expressions on.

And for Harry? His Tears already stream down. He needs to do something. Anything. Harry wants to rush into the bathroom and cut himself, he'd rather kill himself than seeing the that blonde hair bitch with Louis. His Louis.

But before he could, “Boys it's time! ”Simon shouts. “Shit”Harry whispers, whipping down his tears.

“Ladies and gentlemen, welcome the biggest boyband in the whole world ——One Direction! ”As screams and applause comea from the crowd, they walk time the stage.

“Just a normal interview, you can get through this. ”Harry thinks, trying to calm down.

The beginning of the interview is quite easy, just some boring, random questions about their careers. Harry's actually pretty glad became nothing goes wrong.

“So, Louis! We all know that your family is going to welcome a new Tomlinson! How are you feeling?! ” Fucking shit. “Gosh it feels amazing mate! You have no idea. I've always wanted to be a father when I was a kid. And it's so lucky to have a child with such an amazing woman, my girlfriend briana.”

“Awwww what a lovely couple! Aren't they?! ”（*Crowd cheers ）“Now, let's welcome our special guest for today, Briana Jungwirth! ”

God truly hates me. Harry thinks. How the hell is he going to face these emotions? How the fuck is he going to avoid the panic attack that's about to happen on the stage.

As a lady with blonde hair walks to the stage, the crowd screams louder. To be honest, Harry can see why Louis cheated him with this hot lady in front of them. Briana is tall, sexy, gorgeous. And him? He's fat, ugly and the “the most untalented member in One Direction ”That's what the media says and Harry believes in them. He tried to deny it though, but deep down he knows they're telling the truth.

Briana goes straight to Louis, he gently smiles to her when their eyes meet. This makes Harry's heart ache. The older boy who is supposed to love him, take care of him hasn't even looked at him for months.

“So, congratulations! How long have you love birds dated? ” “A year and a half”Louis response, gently holds Briana's hand. Harry tries to look down because he can't control his tears anymore. “Lovely! How did you meet each other? ”

“Hmmmm we've actually met in a party, it was love at the first sight. The moment I met her, The moment I knew she is and will always be the love of my life, who I want to spend the rest of my life with. ”

Louis kneels to the ground and pulls out a ring and say （shit I knowwwww it's from Love Story by Taylor Swift lmao sorry I have to)

“Will you marry me? ”

Harry doubts if he is alive or not. D..... Did he ju.... Did he just fucking proposed to that bitch???? This has exceed his limit, Tears stream down from his face but fortunately no one noticed, everyone's attention is on Louis and Briana.

No one could ever notice the boy who is literally dying.

It feels like a sharp knife is stabbing into his heart over and over again. Why? Why now? When Louis knows how much damage it'll cause to him. Or.... He doesn't care? Harry's mind becomes blank, he's not able to think anymore when the love of his life just proposed to the others. Not even once did Louis check on him.

There's no doubt that Briana says yes. Why wouldn't she?

“I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well. ”Before the others could notice, He rushes out of the room, hoping no one would find out. He runs straight to the bathroom without any hesitation then he starts to sob, scream. He's crying his heart out, but nothing could numb the unbearable pain in his heart.

And that's the thing, it doesn't hurt. It aches. The kind of ache that makes him want to rip his heart out of his chest. An ache that will always be there, no matter what. The deep wound would never be healed. It's omnipresent.

He just wants the pain to stop, even just for a second. Because every single second he is suffering now keeps reminding him what they used to be, used to have.

Harry pulls out the razor blade from his pocket and. He puts it against his pale and delicate skin and press it down as hard as he could. The younger boy let's out a soft scream, he has never cut himself this deep before. But he doesn't care anymore. Harry could kill himself right here, right now and no one would care.

It's better for the band. The boys could be much successful without him, The most bad looking, untalented one. He's a fucking burden to the whole world.

But most importantly ——Louis would be happier without him in his life. He can live happily ever after with “the love of his life ”or now we can describe her as..... His wife.

Tears and blood drop down from his cheek and skin non-stop, he's head is getting dizzy, eyes are swollen because of crying.

As the younger boy lying on the freezing floor, about to lose his consciousness, the door cracks open. Harry could have jumped up if he isn't injured badly. His whole body is burning like on fire. When he finally sits ip, he feels an eye is staring at him. The younger boy turns around.

“L.... Lou? ”Harry has never felt that scared in his whole life, his voice can't help but shaking violently. The older boy is standing in front of the door, staring at him emotionless with those cold eyes, that makes Harry chills.

“You're so fucking disappointing, Styles. ”Then he simply...... Walks away without saying or even looking at his ex Lover who is now bleeding to death in the empty room.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3 Love You Goodbye

Louis left. Left the younger boy who is bleeding non-stop, who is at the edge of losing his precious life.

"You're so fucking disappointing, Styles"

Louis' voice echoes in Harry's head. Harry finds himself unable to breathe, the fear in his head drowns him. He can't take another panic attack on his own, no not in this situation. He needs the older boy to come back for him, even if it's the last time. he needs him to hold him like what the older boy used to do, Harry can't take it alone.

"Lou.... Lou please don't.... Please don't leave me alone "Harry sobs, the fear takes over him, he curls to a ball on the floor,digging his nails into his already bruised arm, trying to make the unbearable pain gone, but there's no use obviously.

"Louis please "Harry nearly screams, his coat is now stained with his own blood, turning into dark red. When he can barely hear the sound of the older boy's footsteps, he knows he has left. Finally, Harry can't take it anymore and blacked out.

He felt peaceful when he lost conscious. The only thing he can see is the eternal darkness. Harry doesn't want to wake up, knowing when he wakes up, his lover won't be by his side, knowing the world is much better without him, it'll do everyone a favor.

But sadly, god seems to want him suffer more. Harry is kind of surprised when he finds out he is still lying in the same room, on the freezing floor with his own blood on his coat and all over the floor. No one noticed that he has gone for hours.

Of course, everyone is out there, congratulating Louis and Briana for their engagement,, probably drunk as hell at this moment.

His arm is aching terribly. After all, he has never cut this deep before. He helps himself to stand up with his hand against the wall.

“There's no way that I'm going out like this”He whispers. His expensive coat is already covered with blood. There's no way except taking off his coat and run to his apartment with his incredible thin T-shirt and his injured, fragile body.

It's 5 freaking degree outside but he's running out of choice. Harry walks toward the toilet paper and use it to clean up the blood marks on the floor. Then, he uses another one as bandage, slowly wraps it around his arm. He bits his lips when his hand touches the deep wound.

“For fuck's sake! ”Harry cursed. Suddenly, He sees a black cap and a black mask above the hand washing sink. He put them on without a doubt. He knows he'll be totally fucked up if he get recognized by their crazy fans.

Harry's phone is running out of battery so he isn't able to call Liam or the boys to pick him up. It's freezing outside, his body can't help but trembles violently. WHO THE HELL WOULD WEAR A FREKIN' T SHIRT WHEN IT'S 5 DEGREE OUTSIDE?!

He walks a little bit faster. Fortunately he doesn't aroused anyone 's attention. After about 5 minutes walking, he finally reaches His apartment. Their apartment.

He wasted all of his energy, and he's sure that the wounds on his body are being torn open. Harry is freezing and his whole body is aching. He left his key in the bathroom so he knocks the door, hoping someone would answer him.

He waited outside for 5 minutes, when he's ready to leave, suspecting that Louis might went to the bar, having fun with his mates, the door cracks open.

"Hello? "A blonde hair woman who is HALF NAKED opens the door, covering her body with a thin blanket. Although Harry's standing outside the door, he could easily smells the scents of alcohol and..... Sex.

Briana is shocked at first, didn't thought that Harry would be here, but then then it turns to a mocking face. Tears are threatening to fall down from his eyes.

How could they?

"Wow, look who's here! Listen darling, me and my fiancee would love to welcome you right now but it's not really the best time. We're really busy having.... Well, you know what I mean, luv"Briana gives him a smirk as Harry can barely even stand on his own.

Anger running through his veins. He's dying to slap the& woman standing in front of him, but he soon gives up on his thought as he hears a familiar voice.

"Jesus, what's taking you so long, babe? "The boy with blue eyes stops as he sees the younger boy behind the door.

"Hey Lou, look like we have a special guest here. But We're a little bit busy now aren't we? "She looks at Louis and says seductively.

"Well, that's really rude of you honey. After all, he owns this apartment as well, doesn't him? "Louis smirks at Harry.

The curly hair boy bits his lips so hard that it's already bleeding. He can't cry in front of them now, He can't. He can't. He can't show how weak he is, how delicate he is, how broken he is. And how much he wants the older boy to comfort him.

"Come on in then"Harry must be insane that he is really waking to their apartment. What the hell is he even thinking,? He knows it won't end up well. Bad choice. But his mind isn't clear enough to tell him what to do and what he shouldn't.

Without saying anything, he walks directly into the guest room. But he couldn't help himself but glanced at the bedroom which used to be his. Clothes all over the floor, mattress falls to the floor.....

Tears finally fall down as he walks into the guest room, locking the door. His world collapse.

Harry kneels to the floor, sobbing into the pillow, trying not to make any noise. What did he do wrong? Why Louis became so cruel? Hasn't he hurt the younger boy enough? But no, it's far from enough.

Louis Amd Briana tend to leave the door open and continue to do what they were doing. Harry hears a loud moan comes from the other room. No No No for fuck's sake they can't...... A loud "f***"soon comes from the bedroom. Harry has no energy to climb to the bed, he's crying so hard that he can't even think correctly.

So he grabs a thin blanket and covers his vulnerable body with it. Hugging the pillow tightly pretending his old lover is still there, comforting him. "Feels so good babe" Panic attack once again crush over him. 2 panic attacks in a day? Fan—freaking—tastic!

His heart aches too much that is taking his breathe away. The moans become louder and louder, finally Harry can't cope with it anymore. He rushes into the bathroom, locking the door with a bottle of painkiller in his hand.

He just can't take any pain, he's already at the edge of exploding. Crying, he finally realised what he should do. Everything is pointless without Louis by his side, maybe it's time to let go and do what he should've done a long time ago.

Louis is the drug that is enough to destroy the younger boy, But Harry is addicted to it. No matter how much he's hurt, broken, he can't live without it.

Harry knows at the beginning that he's willing to sacrifice everything he has when he got lost into the older boy's ocean eyes. So after all Louis has done to him, all the damages he has caused to him, Harry still loves him helplessly. That's what hurts the most.

But Louis is happier without him, maybe he shouldn't appeared in his life at first. Louis won't have to tolerate seeing him, talking to him, pretending that he cares about him. The older boy deserves So much happiness that Harry isn't able to give. So he'll do what at least he can do the best. The curly hair boy opens the bottle and doesn't hesitate to swallow all of them.

"I love you"He whispers as the memories flash back to him. He put the razor blade against his wrist, on one of his precious cuts. Although he ate a whole bottle of painkiller, it still hurts like hell. But soon, all of this will be over. This time, he isn't sobbing anymore. He's smiling, the smile is sad but he knows it's the best ending. He often wonders what the world will be like when people are gone. Will He finally find peace?

TO BE CONTINUED

Chapter Text

Shadow Preachers

Chapter 3

（Liam's pov）
"I still can't believe Louis is engaged to Briana. " Liam says as him and Niall walks into the bar. They decided to have a few drinks after this exhausting week.

"Yeah me too. I'm happy for Lou, Briana is gorgeous and sweet, they look cute together but.....He shouldn't have done this to Harry. "The blonde boy says, ordering a bottle of Bourbon.
"Have you seen Harry's face? He didn't even finished the interview and rushes out of the room. Damn, it must be an incredibly hard time for him and we didn't even paied him a visit!" Liam says regretfully, taking a sip of his drink.

"Maybe we should go and check on him, in case he's depressed or something, bring him to a party and get high. " Niall says, finishing his drink. "You're probably right, let's go"

（Skip the car ride）

"Harry you there? It's Liam and Niall! "Liam knocks the door, expecting the younger boy to answer. The door cracks open.

"What are you lads doing here? "A familiar voice comes through. But it's not Harry's.

"Oh hey Lou, we thought you are out with Briana. We just past by and decided to take Harry out for a drink. He's having a hard time you know as you guys..... Broke up. "

"Well, how about I don't give a fuck about where he is"He says, leaving Niall and Liam with, a shocked face. "Can you just stop being a fucking jerk?What's the problem with you these days? Can't you see you broke Harry's heart? "Niall yells, furious.

This is not the old lad they knew, the funniest one in the band, always keeping everybody positive, especially Harry.

"You know what? I'm fucking tired of that stupid kid, don't act like you don't know he rushed out when we were having the god damn interview. That idiot meant it! He knew the so called `Larry Stylinson' shippers Will attack her, that's his game! So no, I don't care where he is, I won't even care if he is dead! "
Before Louis could finish, Liam punched him in the
face, the shorter boy falls to the floor, nose bleeding.

"Holy fucking shit what the fuck is going on here?! "A female screams. "Leave Us, Briana, it's none of your business. " Liam says, voice incredibly calm. But in fact, he is at the edge of fainting. If he can, he will, definitely punch the bleeding boy again. Niall is both shocked, scared, angry. Mostly shocked.
He couldn't believe everything just happened, he said nothing for the whole time, just started at them, trying hard to catch up what is happening.

"Not my, fucking business? How about there's a fucking body laying on the bathroom floor?! "Even the blonde lady is terrified of what she just said. "H..... Harry is bleeding on the floor, I'm not sure if he's still alive. " She sobs. Absolutely terrified.

Without saying anything, Liam kicks the door and rushes into the bathroom. Nialll follows him immediately, leaving Louis shocked on the floor. Then, he hears a loud scream from Niall.

“Holy shit Harry? ”Liam cries out, putting his hand on the lifeless boy's bleeding hand. He's still alive. “Call the fucking ambulance right now! ”Niall is to shocked to do anything, tears stream down from his face but he didn't even noticed. It took him a while to figure out what he is supposed to do.

"It's all your god damn fault!"Liam yells, at the edge of killing Louis."I-I didn't mean to ...." "SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE! YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO BE HERE!YOU DID THIS TO HIM!" Niall cries out,bumps Louis' body on the wall using all his strength.

But Louis didn't stop him,staring at the lifeless boy with no emotion in his eyes."Fine,I will leave. Tired of him anyway."Let's go Bri"Louis grabs her hand and walk towards the door.

Niall finally kneels to the ground, unable to control his feelings anymore, letting his tears to take over him."Please hold on,Harry. We need you."Liam's voice cracks in the air.He leans down and gives a small kiss on the younger boy's forehead.

They don't know what time the ambulance arrived,the only they're focusing on is Harry. Liam can feel that his pulse is getting weaker and weaker. They jumped to the ambulance as fast as possible,not wanting to waste any time.

They send him to the ICU as soon as they arrived the hospital,both Liam and Niall's eyes are swollen, everyone's worried as hell.

Except Louis.

He's the only who did not sent a single message to check if his ex-boyfriend is alright or not. If he is even alive. He's responsible for all of this,he takes Harry's vulnerable heart and smash it in to the ground mercilessly.

"You noticed the scars on his wrist?"Niall asks while Liam stays silent and slowly nods."It could've killed him days ago,and we didn't even notice." He starts to sob."It's our fault Liam." "Yeah I know. He will be ok and we'll apologize to him face to face you understand?" Before tears fall down,Liam hugs him tightly, comforting him although he is not even sure if their best friend can make it or not. They didn't notice until a voice come through.

"Are you Mr.Styles' family?" Liam and Niall turns around,heart is nearly pounding out of their chest."Yes,yes we are. How is he?" "His condition is basically stable. He'll probably wake up within a few hours. But the deep cut on his wrist will definitely leave a permanent scar." Both Liam and Niall feel so relieved after Harry's life is out of danger. Niall immediately bursts into tears. "However,you may noticed the scars on his body. We'll give him some psychological tests after he's awake.". The docty adds.

"Thank you .Than you so much" Liam says, trying his best not to hug her. "No problem." The lady smiles. "You can wait in the room if you want,in case no one's there when our patient is awake"

(Harry's pov)
Pain. Pain is all he can feel at the moment. Watching blood dropping down from his wrist, covering the floor in red, honestly he isn't scared. Because he knows,after tolerating this, he'll finally find peace.

He'll go to a place where pain and tears don't exist. After the pain is starting to fade away,Harry lies on the floor, focusing him to focus on the happy memories between him and his boyfriend. Although Louis is the one who caused all of this,Harry can't deny the truth that he is also the best thing ever happened to him.

The younger boy has no idea how much he wants Louis to save him. Breaking into the room, saying how much he loves him, taking off his shirt and cover the curly haired boy's wound to stop it from bleeding.

His vision is starting to blur. That's when he knows the older boy would never come. Maybe they're just not meant to be. Louis deserves to be with someone better, someone who MATTES. Instead of him. Maybe this is the end of the story. Wouldn't this ending be better for both of them?

But no.

********

"Lou?" Harry wakes up in the bedroom. The bedroom which Louis and him used to share. He feels so warm and. ...Safe. But mostly astonished. He is being cuddled by his lover on the bed. His head is laying on Louis' warm chest. "Yes,babe?" The soft voice whispers. Millions of thoughts running through Harry's mind,but right now, nothing matters.

He just miss the old Louis so much. He miss his cuddles, soft kisses and..... Everything.

Harry finally can't take any more feelings and start to sob violently. But Louis holds him tightly,just like what he has dreamt. "Shhhhh,babe,tell me what's wrong?" Harry can hear the worry in his tongue. He hasn't cared about him for a really long time.....

"I'm fine, it's just a nightmare." Harry says with an incredibly shaky voice. "It's ok my love,I won't let anyone hurt you,you understand Haz?" He hugs Harry tighter and leaves a soft kisses on his lips. Tears fall down from Harry's cheek. Is this a dream? "I miss you Lou".He whispers. They can stay this way forever.

This is a Harry has ever asked To be loved and cared. "Will you ever leave me one day? " He couldn't help himself but asks. Louis puts on a serious look, "Harry Edward Styles, my life is yours, I'll kill myself right now if you ever asked.

"Harry's heart aches for a moment, he couldn't imagine Louis sacrificing his life for him, it's not worth it. "I love you boo" Harry smiles, kissing Louis' neck softly, causing him to giggle. "C'mon here, I made you your favorite breakfast while you were sleeping. "

Just when he's about to jump out of the bed, he suddenly feels a terrible headache, he soon, falls to the ground. "Hazza? " Louis hears the noise of Harry falling to the floor and immediately runs to him. But all Harry can see is everything around him is falling apart. "No.... Louis! " He screams, trying to reach Louis' hand, but it's too late.

Harry wakes up screaming. Tears rolling down from his face but he's not able to control it. "Why?! "He screams louder, trying to end his life again by digging his nails into the wound as hard as he can which easily leaves his wrist to bleed.

"Harry stop! "Liam and Niall jumps off the chair, violently stops the younger boy from hurting himself. "Please..... Please I don't wanna live without him just..... Just kill me please I'm begging you, I'm tired. " Harry burst into tears. He doesn't want to face the cruel reality thats his caring boyfriend is gone. This Louis rather wish he's dead. Everything aches. He's not strong enough to been through everything again. The only thing that he is asking for is Louis and his cuddles.

He once again feels his vision is starting to blur as the doctor inject tranquilizer into his body. His head is beginning to feel dizzy.....

Harry wakes up again in the guest room. But this time everything feels different. It wasn't like the last time. It was sunny and.... Warm. But this time? The only thing he can feel is cold and empty. It's freezing in the guest room, he slowly gets up and head to the living room, hoping to see Louis again. "Lou? " No response. 'Probably he went out to the bar or the grocery store. ' Harry thinks.

Just Then, the door cracks open. The smell of alcohol covers the whole room. "Hey babe" Harry says, put on an innocent smile. But Louis ignored the younger boy, walking to their bedroom. "Is dinner ready? " He asks with no emotion in his voice. " "Ummm sorry I-I fell asleep. I'm thinking maybe we'll could -Um order some McDonald? "The curly haired boy respond in a shaky voice.

Louis completely changed into another person, you can easily see the anger running through his veins.

"You fucking useless bitch! All I'm fucking asking for after an exhausting day is a nice dinner! I'm the one who deserves a god damn rest, not you! "He walks towards the younger boy and slaps him hard in the face. Harry feels a sting on his cheek as he falls to the ground. "No..... No please stop I'm so sorry " Harry sobs which only makes Louis angrier. "You are nothing but a slut you understand? You're useless, " *SLAP "Fat, " *A kick to his stomach "Childish "Louis gives another kick before Harry bangs his head to the wall. Hard. Which leads his head to bleed. That will definitely leaves a huge scar by tomorrow.

Louis grabs his lover's neck, leaving bruises which caused Harry unable to breathe. Harry cries too much that he isn't even able to think straight. "Kill me please" His voice cracks, Louis will do it. "Have you ever loved me before? "Although everything hurts too much and Louis is still grabbing his neck, but he has to. Louis let go of him, Harry falls to the floor again and he can feel his back is burning.

"Jesus freaking Christ listen to yourself. Do you actually believed that I cared about you? How pathetic. But I have to say I'm pretty talented in acting am I? They own me a mother fucking Oscar. "He begins to laugh. Harry is at the edge of breaking down. These hurtful words and dark bruises are killing him, But he knows everything his lover said is true. "Then why don't you kill me if you hate me so much? " "Oh my poor Hazza, you think I don't want to? The only reason that you're still alive is because I don't want to be charged for murder and spend the rest of my life in prison. "He smirks.

He leaves another kick to Harry who is curling on the floor. A little scream cracks in the air. "Lou please it hurts just stop. " He has cried so much that his eyes are swollen. His body can't help but shake violently.

"Beg me" "On your knees" He adds coldly.

The curly haired boy couldn't believe what he just heared. This is not the boy he loved, this is not the boy that could sacrifice his life for his lover. "Are you fucking deaf? " Another punch. Harry's whole body is already bleeding and he's sure he has at least 2 broken ribs. Finally, he gives up all his dignity. Honestly he'd rather choose death than keeps hurting him like this.

He slowly moves his bruised body which aches more terrible than he thought. He kneels to the ground, shivering. "Please Lou, stop this. Everything just hurts too much, I love you and I know you don't feel the same way. Cause I know you're right. I'm worthless，I deserve all the pain you caused me, I know you deserve someone much better so please just end everything. " Harry finally breaks down in front of his lover. But Louis did not show a little sympathy for the boy who is kneeling on the floor, bleeding, crying. Louis walks to the younger boy and bend down, whispers beside his ears "nah, I want you to suffer. "

Harry once again wakes up screaming and sweating, everything felt so real. What really is tearing him apart is that this really happened. It happened when their relationship was first getting bad. It has always been the darkest memory which he has been trying to block away.

"Harry? It's ok we're here. "liam and Niall hug him tightly. "Where's Louis? " Harry knows he definitely sounds like a jerk but that's the only thing that he cares. "For god's sake Harry! Can you just stop caring about him? He doesn't give a shit about you! " Liam yells, unable to control his anger.

"No.... No he still cares. I know deep down he does. Suicide was my choice, he didn't make me do this. " The younger boy tries to convince himself. "Then why didn't he send a single message to check if you're alive or not? You could've been fucking dead and HE DOESN'T CARE! He fucking told us himself! "liam yells.

Harry's fragile heart shatters. Louis was right, he is childish. He is childish enough to think that maybe. Just maybe the older boy might cares about him, He just doesn't like letting people know. Maybe deep down he loves him. But its just a dream. He just want to be truly loved by someone. With soft kisses and sweet cuddles, someone who can hold him when he's hurt. But after being in an abusive relationship with Louis, he took that little butterfly of a dream and put it in a jar on the shelf because he realized he doesn't deserve it. The only thing that he deserves is the pain and the hurtful words Louis said to him. He believes he's no more than a garbage on the ground that absolutely no one wants to pick up. Harry is broken. Mentally and physically.

"Sorry Harry I- Just please stop letting him hurt you. That bastard doesn't deserve you Had. " "No, I don't deserve him. " He quietly whispers. "Can you let me see him? For the last time? " Harry knows how broken he sounds now and he knows he will regret it but that doesn't matter anymore. As long as he can see him again and..... Apologize. For letting the older boy tolerating him every single day, for not being good enough for him and so much more.

"Ok. " "But for the last time. "

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

After the huge superstar, the members of the world's biggest boyband——Harry Styles' suicide attempt, the media, or we can say, the whole world went insane. Fans came up with millions of theories, and for One Direction？The boys went on a hiatus.

******
“Morning！How's our patient today？”Liam walks into the hospital room，putting a bunch of flowers on the shelf.

“Flowers？Seriously？”Harry smiles，still lying on the bed. “C'mon mate，don't be so boring.I brought you some books as well. Let's see, 《The silence of the Lambs》，《Twilight》，《Sherlock Holmes》Here you are！”Liam hands him the books. “You want me to kill Louis？”Harry laughs. “Well,I wouldn't say no if you do though.On contrary.I think I'll be quite supportive and help you to clean the crime scene.”He smirks.

“Have you talked to him about it yet？”Harry's heart tensed up. “Yeah,he said he'll come when he's free. ”Liam answers，trying to hide the anger in his voice. “You didn't punch him，did ya？” “Well,I was about to but I controlled myself. For you. He really doesn't deserve you Haz.” Liam says, holding Harry's hand a little bit tighter. Harry just nods silently.

“What is he doing these days？”Harry can't help but asks. “Well,he is busy taking care of Briana lately since you know she's.......Pregnant.”The younger boy looks down. What is he expecting？

“Thank you Liam，I'm so lucky to have you and the boys.”He smiles weakly，trying to control his tears from falling down. “We're always here for you mate.”Liam says，hugging him. “So！I'm going to Niall's place and sign some boring contracts. Are you ok here？” “Yep”Harry answers. “Well then，I'm going to check on you tomorrow，bye！”

After Liam left，Harry ones again lies down. He hasn't been doing much lately. He spent most of his time sleeping since it can almost numb the pain in his heart.But he has been having nightmares and they're getting more and more often. He didn't bother to tell Liam because he doesn't want to let him worry. He's already busy enough with the band's future since everything is a chaos lately.

The main character of his nightmare isn't anyone elseelse but his ex lover. It's the same dream over and over again which Louis would hit the younger boy for the simplest things，telling him how worthless he is，keep punching and kicking the younger boy even if he is already down on his knees，begging him to stop.

The dreams felt so real that everything is cutting Harry deeper and deeper. But the curly haired boy knows，he needs the older boy and he can't live without him. Harry soon falls asleep，quietly praying he doesn't have to suffer from another nightmare.

Harry is waked by the sound of the door cracking open. “You've got a visitor，Mr. Styles ” The sweet lady miss Collins，Harry's nurse says. “Let him in please.”Harry slowly push himself up and sit on the bed，wondering who could possibly visit him at this time. Probably Gemma or Liam. But the curly haired boy has a weird instinct that it's not one of them.

“Liam told me that you wanna see me”Harry's heartheart nearly jumps out of his chest. The voice is so familiar but far at the same time.

“L....Lou？”Harry's voice is shaking，he's so nervous that his hands are beginning to sweat. “Alright,rule number one.If you wanna talk to me then stop calling me‘Lou’ I'm not your fucking boyfriend anymore you understand？”The older boy says as he walks into the room.

Oh Harry can't even tell how much he missed those blue eyes，the brown hair，the accent and.... Everything. But his eyes aren't as warm as before，they're now full of disgust and hatred. Harry's heart aches.

“I'm....I'm sorry”The curly haired boy says weakly. He wants the old Louis back，the one who was caring and.... “Oh for God's sake spare your bullshit why do you want me here？”His voice is so mean but what terrifies Harry the most is that he already gets used of the way that his ex-lover talks to him.

“I.....I just want to know why.Why you keep hurting me like this？I.....I gave you everything that I have，trust me I truly did.And I know it's far from enough，I know I'm worthless and I don't deserve you but......”Before he could finish，he broke down，letting his tears to take over him.

“So you wanna know why？I will tell you the reason. You really think you're smart enough huh？ ” “Wh—What do you mean？” “DON'T YOU DARE ACT LIKE YOU'RE THE MOTHER FUCKING VICTIM！Rush out of the god damn room，crying like a baby during that fucking interview while you know there're millions of people watching. You really thought no one would notice？Or this is all your stupid little games huh？You fucking planned all of this didn't you？You know the so called ‘Larries’ will attack me and mostly the one that I love，my fiancee Brianna so that meanwhile you thought you could win the whole word’s sympathy. Suicide？I have to say that I admire your courage my poor Hazza，now we keep receiving death threats thanks to you，are you finally satisfied？Or this isn't enough for you？You still called me here，expecting to win my sympathy？！So that we could live ‘happily ever after’？All of this is your stupid game，I finally recognized the real you. You're nothing but a disgusting，pathetic，selfish asshole，no wonder no one ever loves you. And let's be honest，you should have died that day in the bathroom，that would really do everyone a favor. ”

When Louis finally stops talking，Harry is.... Destroyed. He's nothing but an empty shelf. He finally realized，Louis was right all along. All of it is his fault，he deserves every pain that he has been through. He never cared about Louis' feelings，he's just so fucking stupid and desperate to be loved. So pathetic. His nail digs into his previous cut deeply，not caring if it's bleeding or not.

The younger boy gets out of the bed trembling，sobbing. How could he be that stupid？Not knowing the consequences of his behaviors？Harry feels like a dagger is digging his heart out. He kneels to the ground in front of the older boy.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry for......Existing in your life.I'll do whatever you want even if you ask me to kill myself，just please....Please forgive me.” The younger boy is like a slave ，begging for his master's forgiveness. Louis sees the bleeding scar and his previous cuts，he know he caused all of them，but he did not show a little mercy. He slowly bends down to Harry's level，whispers.... “No，I want you to suffer.”

He walks out of the door without looking at the curly haired boy，crying his heart out.

Chapter Text

It has been days since the older boy visited. Harry doesn't feel like he's alive. He's just simply...... Breathing.

Liam payed a few visits，knowing definitely something happened with Harry，but the younger boy refuses to say a single word about it and Lian doesn't blame him. He refused to talk with everyone，not even Gemma and Anne. All of them are worried as hell but Harry just simply doesn't care. He's already dead inside. Louis took his soul away，the curly haired boy is nothing but a walking dead.

But he's mind is still alive，replaying the scene over and over again. “Worthless，childish，pathetic” “You should've died that day in the bathroom” He really should have，but he didn't take enough pills，didn't cut himself deep enough and lost the chance of his freedom. Now here he is，getting used of the heartache and eventually becoming numb. To everything. Maybe that's a good thing.

There's no point for keep letting Harry to stay in the hospital so they let him goes home instead. Anne offered Harry to stay at her house for a few days but Harry ones again refused. He doesn't want to bother anyone any longer.

Standing in front of the familiar door full of memories，he doesn't feel the same way like he used to. It was ones warm and welcoming，but now everything is different because Louis isn't here anymore. He has moved out with his beloved fiancee Brianna to a massive villa which is much better than this small apartment. The apartment which means nothing to the older boy.

He hesitates，knowing Louis won't be there to comfort him anymore，the small but sweet little flat where used to be filled with laughter and love is now gone.

The curly haired boy opens the door with his trembling body and his shaky hands. Although the older boy has already moved out，he didn't bring many things with him. After all，there aren't many things that are worthy for him to remember.

Harry's heart clench. He walks to the bedroom，lying on their once shared bed，trying to remember the smell of the older boy，but the only smell left is the pungent smell of Brianna's perfume.

He picks up an old To shirt that his ex—lover used to wear when they were in the X Factor. He smiles at the good old times and slowly put it on. It can still comforts Harry a little bit even if Louis isn't here anymore.

He was planning to sleep early today because everything is exhausting until he sees his phone besides him. Again，he doesn't want his family to worry about him so he decides to unlock the phone and tell his mum that he's alright. But then a notification pops on to the screen.

“Louis Tomlinson just tweeted”

Harry opens Twitter without any hesitation but soon regretted when he finds out..... Louis and Brianna are getting married tomorrow.

It all happened too fast that couldn't give Harry a chance to breathe. "No no no no they can't.... ” His legs bring him down to the floor，he's started to struggling with breathing. Louis used to be here when he has panic attacks，he would hold him tightly，comforting him，telling him there's nothing to be afraid of because he's here. But the younger boy is now all by himself. Tears stream down from his red cheeks，body falls to the floor and starts to shake violently.

He doesn't understand. He gave everything he had for the older boy. Isn't it enough？Rage suddenly rises from his body. Why isn't he good enough？Why Louis is always the one who keeps screaming the cursing words and Harry is the one who tolerates everything？

He stands up with his hands against the wall and walks to the kitchen，grabbing all the whiskies that have left. Harry seldom drinks，all those drinks are stored for Louis，but now he has left so why bother？

The burning liquid running down from his throat. But Harry just want to be drunk out of his mind.

Why he is always the fucking victim？Why he is the one who always gets hurt？Why he is always the one being left alone？Harry keeps drinking and throwing empty bottles. For the first time in his life，he doesn't feel pain，only rage.

And that's when a terrible thought that may make him regret for the rest of his life pops into his mind. He doesn't want to be the fucking victim anymore，he's going to make the older boy to pay for what he did to him. He wants Louis to feel the pain that he has felt for millions of times. The older boy damaged him，crushed his entirely. Harry knows he'll never get happiness，so he doesn't want him to get it either.

After hesitating for a whole hour，he decides to call Liam，saying he has already moved on and want to put the whole thing down by attending to Louis' wedding with a sincere voice. To his surprise，Liam agreed，he even sounds quite delightful. Harry can't help but put on a wry smile. What Liam doesn't know is that Harry will never ever put this feeling down. It's already in his bones，no matter who he meets，what happened，he won't be able to erase the memories they had.

The curly haired boy whips his tears away and stands up，trying so hard not to fall to the floor. It's already half past seven and the wedding will only start in half a hour.

Harry just couldn't..... He couldn't stand there watching the love of his life marrying another woman. He knows this is selfish，but he's always the one who cares for the others' feelings instead of himself's. He's drunk enough to tell himself it's ok and it's completely reasonable for him to do this. But does he really have the courage？

He calls a a Uber then leaves his apartment with only a jacket and a heavy gun in his pocket.

His body trembles badly for the whole time. His mind isn't sober enough to tell him what he is planning to do，not even a plan. When he finally reaches the destination，he's already 17 minutes late. Harry can't walk straight because he's still drunk out of his mind. But he still manages himself to get there.

White roses all over the ground，they really spent a long time decorating didn't they？To be honest，this is the perfect wedding that Harry always dreams to have with the older boy. Holding hands on the red carpet，saying vowels to each other，kissing recklessly like nobody's around.....

A single tear fall down. How pathetic. The older boy looks as stunning as he expected. Those ocean eyes look even brighter than usual. But he's holding Brianna's hand. Anger，sadness，jealously running through his veins. That should've been him. They just look so happy together like what Harry and Louis used to be.

How cruel it is. Watching the love of your life slips away from your own hand，leaving you nothing but an empty shelf，kissing another gorgeous，perfect woman in front of him.

Harry can't stand keeping all the negative thoughts and sadness to himself. Finally，he lost the last sense of his control. Anger，jealousy，depression，everything is just too much to handle. “Fuck it” he whispers，taking the heavy gun out of his pocket and points it at the love of his life.

That's when Harry finally gets everyone's attention. But he doesn't have the energy to care what the others think anymore. Everything will soon be over. People are panicking，Liam is yelling him to calm down，but he's lost. Lost in those blue oceans eyes. A pair of beautiful eyes filled with hatred，disgust and finally，fear.

“I gave you everything that I had. Everything，Lou.”Harry's voice is strangely calm，he can't let the older boy see how broken he is.

“Are you satisfied now darling？Seeing how desperate I am？How deeply you hurt me？You ruined me，you destroyed me，AND I LET YOU. From the very first moment when you told me that you love me in X Factor house，I was already willing to sacrifice my fucking life for you. And look how you treated me these years，keeps telling me how worthless I am，how I don't deserve you，how mother fucking stupid I am. Well，probably you're right. I'm stupid enough to be in love with you and after all this time，I still do.” He screams，he cries.

This is probably the last time he would confess his feelings to the older boy. The gun trembles violently with Harry's hand.

Harry looks into Louis' eyes with his eyes swollen from crying but Louis didn't show a single emotion or say a single word. It's only Liam who is desperately telling Harry to calm down. That's useless undoubtedly，there's no way coming back already.

“You fucking asshole say something！”Harry tells with tears fall down from his eyes，landing on his red cheeks.

“Shoot me and let Brianna go.”

Silence. Both of them stays silence. After all this time，after Harry confessed everything，it means nothing to him. He means nothing to him. He's getting used of the heartache，but soon it'll all be over.

“Fine.If that's what you want.”Harry answers silently，aiming the gun at the older boy，body trembling helplessly.

“Shoot him.He deserves this. Look what he has done to you. How he treated you for so long. How he teared you apart. It's time for him to pay. He deserves no mercy” The mind in Harry's head keeps whispering，driving him insane. He knows he's definitely reasonable to do this，but does he really have the courage to kill the love of his life？ It feels like his hands aren't his，no matter how much he tries，he just can't pull the trigger.

“What？Too coward to even kill me？Gk on，have your childish revenge on me，take away my happiness.Do it！”Louis yells. Harry knows the older boy is playing with fire. Louis knows everything about the curly haired boy，especially his weakness. He knows Harry can't do it so he just have to delay the time since the cops will be here soon.

That's when the younger boy realizes，no matter how much he tries，how deeply he hurt，Harry just can't. He can't even imagine hurting the boy standing in front of him.

He put the gun down with tears in his eyes and point the gun to his own head.

“Harry what the fuck are you doing？Put it down right fucking now！”Liam cries but Harrt ignoes him.

“I'm doing you a favor，Lou. Brianna is lucky to have you and congratulations on your baby. I love you. ”

*BANG*

Love is patient; Love is kind; Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; It is not irritable or resentful; It does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.