Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Three nights of procrastination later found Vax stealthed outside the gates of Westruun, waiting for Scanlan’s signal to attack. But Vax was not good at waiting--at least where throwing daggers was concerned--and something had been eating at him for three days: the slow realization that once again, he’d hurt Gilmore, and then compounded that hurt by not apologizing for his mistake. 

At first, it had seemed easier to just leave it alone. Wait until Vax felt up to apologizing. Maybe part of him was waiting for Gilmore to forgive him before he asked. But that wasn’t happening. By now, it was clear that Vax had fucked up. And if he didn’t fix it, it might never be fixed. 

So quietly, slowly and stealthily, Vax reached into his cloak and drew out the arcane parchment. And then very quietly so as to not break stealth, Vax whispered, “Gilmore...listen. We might die here today. So before it’s too late, I wanted to say I’m sorry. I’m still confused about what happened. But you didn’t deserve my temper directed at  you. In fact, there’s a good chance I was completely wrong about what it was made me angry in the first place. So. Please know that I’m sorry, and I can’t believe I keep doing this to you, when all you’ve ever done is love and care for me. Honestly, if you didn’t want me anymore, after all of this, I’d understand. But I want you to know that I do love you, and if I die here today...I will probably deserve it.” 

The reply began burning into the parchment as soon as Vax stopped speaking.

Please stop wishing death on yourself. 

“I mean it.” Vax swiped at his eyes. “I was so cruel to you. I lashed out, and I hadn’t even heard all the facts. I should have known better. I should have trusted you.” 

About what?

“Scanlan said that you and Grog...did...that you and Grog--you know.” 

He said what?

Did Gilmore really not know? “Well...he implied that he saw you...that you and Grog fucked.”  

And you believed him?

Vax immediately felt guilty as hell. “I guess I’m the big arsehole in this equation.”

I’m hurt.  

“I know; I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Please don’t die. It would grieve me immensely.

“Well, we’re going after the herd, so no promises.” 

I don’t understand. 

Vax tried to explain about the Titanstone knuckles and Grog’s history with his uncle Kevdak and the Herd of Storms. But it was a long explanation and he was too anxious and distracted to do it justice. A quarter of the way through, Vax heard his sister hiss from down the wall, “Keep your voice down, brother! Who the hell are you talking to over there, anyway?” 

“Fuck off, I’m talking to Gilmore!” he hissed back. 

“You’d better be apologizing for the other night!” she shot back.

“Shut up, Stubs! This is between me and the man I love!”

“Don’t make me come over there!--wait, that’s very cute.”

“Piss. Off!”

“You guys,” Pike whispered from her hiding place. “Even I can hear you now.” 

“Okay, okay!” Vex said.

“Okay!” Vax finished. “I’m sorry, gorgeous, I have to go,” he told Gilmore. “Remember, I love you.” 

Don’t you dare die and break my heart.

“I’ll do my best, I promise.” As if on cue, the city alarm bells began to ring. 

*

Gilmore heard them, too, immediately panicking. What was their plan? The little Vax had been able to tell him sounded like absolute madness. Gilmore watched until he began to get another epic migraine. When ten minutes had gone by and Pike and the twins were still outside the city gates, waiting, Gilmore let go of his scrying spell and fell back into bed. “That boy will be the death of me.” 

Less than an hour later, Gilmore scried again, watching as all of Vox Machina except Scanlan fought a group of barbarians outside the western gate. Vax was merely throwing blades from the shadows, but that didn’t make Gilmore any less worried for him. And Grog was getting perilously close to the edge of that chasm that had opened up in the ground… 

The battle was nearly over when Kima came in and dropped the tray she was carrying. “What in the fuck?!” Gilmore only saw this peripherally, as his Sight remained focused outside of Westruun. So he missed Kima rushing to his bedside and trying to wipe the blood running down his face with some of the bandages from his bedside table. 

“Stop it!” She clapped her hands in front of his face. “I said quit it!” Kima grabbed Gilmore’s shoulder and shook him until Gilmore lost his hold on the vision. “How the fuck long have you been scrying on them?” 

“I don’t know.” He brought a handkerchief to his face and glanced down at the crimson stain as it came away. “Vax’ildan said he was afraid they were going to die. I had to make sure they were safe.” 

“By doing what?” Kima put her hands on her hips. “Staring at them until you gave yourself an aneurysm?” 

Gilmore sighed. “I don’t know.” She held out a bowl of water and he used it to wipe his face and beard clean. 

“Tip your head back, you gilded dumbass.” She made him pinch his nose and maintain that position until the bleeding stopped. “I’d think of all people you’re old enough to know better.” Kima shook her head, pouring them both tea. 

“Haved’t you ever dode sobethig whed you dew better?” Gilmore asked her. 

“Okay, but this is basic common sense stuff.” She shoved a mug at him. “Why are they about to die this time?” 

“Sobethig about fightig a herd of goliaths?”

“Yeah, that sounds like a stupid fucking thing they’d do.” Kima sat down in the chair by the bed. “Tell me when you want to check on them again. I’ll do it.” 

“That’s very kide of you, Kiba.” 

“Fuck kind,” she said, leaning forward to rest her elbows on her knees. “I don’t trust you not to kill yourself worrying over your pet twink.”

“If odely.” 

They sat together for the rest of the night, Kima checking on Vox Machina and relaying the battle in the kill box to Gilmore as it happened. She scried in short bursts, finally giving up when Kevdak was slain. “You’re a pain in my ass, you know that?” she told him. 

“And you are an excellent caregiver.” Gilmore kissed her cheek when she got up to tuck him in. 

“Hey,” she warned him. “No mushy stuff. I’m spoken for anyway, you big flirt.”

Gilmore offered a tired chuckle. “Tell Allura I said hello.” 

“Maybe I will and maybe I won’t,” Kima said, heading for the door. “But the next time you ruin date night because you’re scared over Twink and the Gang being their usual idiotic, reckless selves, I’m gonna kick your holy behind.”

Gilmore offered a tired smile. “Fair enough.”

Chapter Text

As soon as Scanlan had proposed marriage to Pike, Vax had gotten out of there so fast, he’d nearly time traveled. The last thing he needed after this long, brutal day was secondhand embarrassment so intense that it made him physically cringe. He needed time alone to think through all that had just happened. They’d almost lost Grog today. And Pike. And certainly Scanlan. Many of them, really, had come much closer to death than ever before. It was only by complete chance that Vox Machina had been saved. But was it really chance? 

Vax went back and forth about it. He didn’t like how all of this Raven Queen shit had come about, but it had, and he’d made a pledge. Gilmore and Vex’ahlia, both of whom he trusted implicitly, had encouraged him toward his fate with Her and told him it would not be as bad as he thought. Fine. This seemed as appropriate a time to accept his fate as ever.

So Vax prayed, and made yet another promise to his new patron. And just when he started to believe it might all be horseshit, he found the black feather in his bed. Not horseshit, then. Vax picked up the feather and stuck it behind his ear. 

But he wasn’t finished. In light of all that had happened--not the least of which had been surviving--Vax had one more patron deity to check in with. “Gilmore.” He took out the parchment, smoothing it out over his knee. “We made it. Just to let you know. No one died, though I think some of us came pretty close. In case you were worried.” 

My darling boy. Such a relief. Any injuries?

“Not to me. Vex took a lot of damage.” 

But she’s alright?

“It was closer than I would have liked, but I think so. For now.”

I’m sensing a ‘but’.

“Well, we might be fighting a dragon tomorrow.” There was no way to casually drop that into conversation.

Why?

“Well, Scanlan says it’s our best shot with the herd helping us.” 

Is it harming anyone?

“Well, that’s generally what dragons do.”  

Are you sure about that? 

“This one’s the black dragon from the Chroma Conclave. It attacked the city, and comes back every three days for tribute.” 

That sounds more like a treaty was struck to me.

“Well, the treaty was with Grog’s uncle, whom we’ve just killed.” Was Gilmore implying they should just leave the dragon be? Surely not.

I see.

“And he was pillaging the city to pay the dragon. Plus, I think they were running out of payments.”

I can see where that might cause a problem. Still, is violence the answer?

“We’re Vox Machina. Violence is always the answer.” That was said only partially in jest. Vax thought of Grog’s rallying cry earlier tonight.

As history has shown. Well, if there is an alternative to you fighting a dragon, let’s just say I’m in favor of it.

“If I’m honest, I don’t think any of us really want to except Scanlan.” None of them wanted to die. And they were exhausted after the battle with Kevdak. 

Perfect. Let him fight the dragon on his own, then.

“I kind of think you’re joking,” Vax began. “But I’m honestly not sure.” 

Have you asked him why he lied?

“No.” That would have required more confrontation, which Vax was bad at--at least where personal relationships were concerned. He could confront anyone with a blade. “He probably just meant to be funny.” 

Vax’ildan. Someone who finds humor in inflicting pain upon others is evil. 

“Scanlan’s not evil.” Surely Gilmore didn’t really believe that of Scanlan. 

Then what would you call it?

“I don’t know... I think he just has a bit of a dark sense of humor at times.” 

Were you amused by what happened?

“No.” No, if Vax stopped to think about how he’d been fooled into telling off Gilmore...definitely not.

Is my pain amusing to you?

“No, of course not!” Why was Gilmore still so upset? Everything was fine now, wasn’t it?

You see my point.

Vax sighed. “I do. But I’m still not going to let him go off and fight a dragon alone. He’s my friend.” This conversation wasn’t going how Vax had intended at all. He felt like Gilmore was asking him to choose.

I wouldn’t ask you to do that.

“Alright. Look, I really don’t want to fight the dragon tomorrow, either, but I’ll do whatever the group decides.” 

What about what I want?

“Admittedly, I do owe you...after what I did.” It was hard to talk about sensitive shit like this, where the smallest misunderstanding could ruin everything, when he couldn’t physically see Gilmore. And Vax was bad at talking about feelings to begin with. “Hey, gorgeous...Can you come here please?” 

Is that what you want?

“Fuck yes, I do. It’s been days. My fault, I know. But I just--”

There was a burst of arcane energy and purple sparkles, and Gilmore appeared wearing a crimson brocade robe Vax had never seen before. His hair was changed, too, back to the long braids decorated with gold thread and jeweled hair ornaments he’d worn weeks ago in Emon. “You look…” It wasn’t that Vax had no words, he just felt very emotional seeing Gilmore again after the day he’d just had. 

“Go on.” Gilmore braced himself with a walking stick made of twisted metal in every color of the rainbow, waiting expectantly. 

“You look beautiful...like you always do.” Vax rose and walked swiftly to him, sliding his arms around Gilmore and resting his cheek against Gilmore’s chest. 

Gilmore sighed, stroking his hair. His fingers plucked the black feather from behind Vax’ildan’s ear, and it disappeared in a flash of fire. “Let’s talk.”

Talking was the last thing Vax wanted to do. But he wasn’t feeling particularly randy, either. “Alright.”

“May I sit?” Gilmore asked. 

Vax hadn’t moved from hugging Gilmore. He realized Gilmore should not have been standing for so long. “Oh.” He withdrew just enough to help Gilmore sit down at the edge of the mattress. Vax knelt down in front of him, and Gilmore cupped his face, looking quietly at him for a few moments. 

Vax drank in the sight of him, his high cheekbones and eyes perfectly lined with black, the smoky violet smudge edged in gold on his eyelids, the way his umber skin reflected the dim magelight of his room, kissed with gold highlights. And finally, Gilmore’s lips always seemed to beckon to Vax. Sitting here, looking quietly at one another reminded Vax of another time he could not quite recall. 

“Are you going to ask me what happened?” Gilmore’s voice broke his concentration.

“What?” Wasn’t Vax the one who’d fought a battle today?

Gilmore gave him something resembling Vex’ahlia’s ‘you idiot’ look. “With Grog, Vax’ildan darling.”

“Oh. Something...happened?” Vax was much more comfortable believing nothing had happened between Gilmore and Grog; that Scanlan had concocted the whole thing.

“I told you,” Gilmore said. “I went to check on him after he died.” 

“Alright?” Nothing. Say nothing happened.

“And then...well, Grog became a little confused.” Gilmore looked embarrassed.

“Do you mean sexually?” Grog confused was easy to picture. Grog sexually confused? That would be a new one on Vax.

“Well...not precisely. To make a long story short, it was just a kiss,” Gilmore said. 

Vax could feel his blood starting to heat up. Why was this making him so angry? “But it wasn’t consensual.” That’s what Vex’ahlia had said. 

“No,” Gilmore said.

“And then he stopped. When you told him,” Vax asked. 

“Exactly.” 

Vax took some deep breaths, trying to calm down. “Alright. I’m sorry I got so angry. I just. I’ve seen Grog naked. I can’t compete with that.” He shook his head sadly.

Gilmore raised an eyebrow. “And what makes you think that’s what I want?” 

Vax shrugged. “I--nothing.” Maybe Gilmore hadn’t made the comparison before now. Maybe Vax was just giving him reasons he hadn’t already thought of to pick Grog over him.

“Vax’ildan.” Gilmore leaned forward and took his hands. “I love you. Not Grog. Not Jarett.”

Just the name was like a knife twisting inside him. “I can’t compete with Jarett, either.” Vax started to pull away.

Gilmore sighed. “Stop. Vax’ildan. Do you hear me?” He cupped Vax’s face. “This insecurity is unbecoming.” And then his tone gentled, and his fingers stroked Vax'ildan’s jaw as he continued. “You are…most desirable. Just the way you are. Unique and precious. Handsome, courageous...and, yes. Stubborn. And I adore you.” Vax couldn’t take anymore, he leapt up, unable to restrain himself from kissing Gilmore for another second. “My darling…” Gilmore looked up at him when Vax finally let him go. “Did you do that to silence me? Is taking a compliment so difficult?” 

Okay, maybe Gilmore was partly right. But he was partly bloody damn wrong. “Listen, old man,” Vax said, slipping off his belt and tossing it aside. “Sometimes I just want you like fire burning in my veins.” He started to chuck aside his armor, but it was too long a process to make a very good striptease. 

“Is that so?” Gilmore drawled, reclining on the bed and watching Vax struggle. 

“Oh, fuck this, I can’t wait anymore!” Vax pounced on him, knowing some swifter ways to get gratification. 

Gilmore laughed and rolled him over, turning the tables. “So impatient.” He kissed the tip of Vax’s nose, making him scrunch up his face in protest. Then Gilmore kissed him properly, unfastening Vax’s breeches and pushing them down over his hips. Vax panted and gasped, feeling like a pubescent boy in Gilmore’s hands, helpless to his own arousal. 

“No, no, no,” he whined, knowing exactly what was about to happen, and far too soon. 

“Oh, yes,” Gilmore hissed, leaning down and swallowing him whole. Vax was undone in moments. Why did it feel like they hadn’t done this in ages? Apparently days to his libido were like epochs. 

“I feel like a turtle trapped on my back,” Vax complained, reverently touching the carefully-braided rows of Gilmore’s hair. “Help me get out of this damned armor.” 

“I will,” Gilmore said, sitting up and wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. “But I have something for you to do first.” 

Vax knew exactly what he meant, and rolled over to crawl toward him on all fours, eagerly burying his face in Gilmore’s robes while nimble fingers unbuckled his armor. The contest was to see if Vax could distract Gilmore enough to lose his concentration before the armor came off. He lost, but only because Gilmore was really good at stripping him by now. Vax still had his shirt on by the time Gilmore began to gasp and clutch the top of his head. 

But he didn’t let Vax finish, pushing him away and quickly turning him around. Gilmore seemed to want to be in charge tonight, and Vax was perfectly fine with that. He owed Gilmore, not to mention Vax wasn’t at his energetic best after the long, drawn out battle they’d fought today. So he was content to let himself be manipulated while Gilmore did the bulk of the work. 

“Let’s do the bath next time,” Gilmore suggested later, when Vax was a little too distracted to reply. He squeaked what he hoped sounded like an affirmative. Gilmore smiled and kissed his ankle before increasing the pace. And then Vax lost the ability to think all together.

*

Scanlan had had a rough day. Sure, he could have saved himself the emotional pummeling of proposing to Pike, but sometimes you just had to shoot your shot. 

Speaking of which, Gilmore and Vax were surprisingly hot together. Much hotter than Scanlan had imagined they would be--and he had imagined. He looked away for a second to release the cube, and when he glanced back through the painting’s eye sockets, Gilmore was looking at him from across the room. Was this one of those special pre-threesome eye contact moments? 

Then Gilmore flung out his arm, and suddenly Scanlan could see nothing at all. He cried out, rubbing his blind eyes, and stumbled back off the observation ladder, falling hard onto the floor of the secret passage. This really was a shit day.

*

Vax froze. “Did you hear something?” 

“What, this?” Gilmore jerked Vax forward until he was fully-seated again, and it did, in fact, make a sound. 

Vax shivered. Gilmore had been keeping him hovering so close to orgasm for so long now. “No...that…”

“No more talking,” Gilmore said, kissing him quiet. But Vax didn’t stay quiet for long.

*

Vax had never felt this tired in his entire life. After what he and Gilmore had just done...for hours...he felt exhausted in every possible way. But so good, too. Vax curled up against Gilmore, using him as a pillow. “My god, you’re amazing.” 

“I know,” Gilmore said humbly, stroking his hair. “Feeling better now?” 

“You...you always make me feel better,” Vax admitted. “Even if I’m not sure I can still move afterwards.” Gilmore chuckled, and Vax held him tighter, relishing the sound. 

“Perhaps now you’ll stop trying to push me away, hmm?” 

Oh no, were they back to Serious Relationship Conversation now? Why couldn’t they just stick with sex? “I don’t mean to do it,” Vax said. “I want you. So badly. But...I love Keyleth, too. I’m just--it’s confusing.” 

“Have you told her this?” Gilmore asked quietly. 

“I’ve told you. I tried more than once--”

Gilmore cut him off. “About me?” 

“Wot--no.” Vax shrank from the thought. “I can’t tell her that.”

“Why not?” 

Sure, it sounded easy when Gilmore said it. “Because...she might not want me.” And other debilitating anxieties.

“Why?” 

“Because I love you.” People didn’t love more than one person at a time.

“Am I so horrible?” Gilmore looked down at him, and Vax could see he was hurt. “Does your love for me taint you in some way?” Gilmore turned his face away, his expression 4 full acts of a tragedy. 

“...no.” Vax actually wasn’t sure Keyleth would be especially upset it was Gilmore he was seeing on the side. It was more that there was a side than anything.

“Then I don’t see the problem.” 

“But what if--what if--” There were a lot of what ifs. Vax could think of no woman who wanted a man who loved other men. Granted, he really only knew three women, but still. 

“I know you love her, and I want you to be happy.” Gilmore said slowly. Vax shrank back further still. Was Gilmore breaking up with him? “If she loves you, don’t you think she might feel the same? About you being with me?” 

“I...have no idea.” Vax hadn’t thought of it like that. Maybe if Keyleth had ever verbally confirmed she loved him to begin with...

“It’s not fair to keep seeing us both without telling her,” Gilmore said. 

“That’s true.” But Vax still preferred his patented keep all secrets method. It was easier than emotional conflict.

“So what are you going to do?” Gilmore seemed to be waiting for his answer.

“Make love to you again?” Vax suggested.

“And then what?” He seemed to be on board with the suggestion, though, because Vax could feel Gilmore’s fingers slowly tracing a sensuous line down his spine. 

“Sleep?” 

“Vax’ildan. You’re not a child.”

“Would a child do this?” Vax asked, throwing back the sheet and straddling Gilmore.  

“I will tie you to the wall and leave you there,” Gilmore growled softly. He’d probably meant it as a threat, but when Gilmore used his dominating voice, it was a real turn-on for Vax.

“The first part of that sounds exciting.” But now Gilmore was glaring at him. “Alright! Alright, I’ll speak to her.” 

“When?” 

“I don’t know. If we live? After fighting the dragon?” Maybe they would die and Vax wouldn’t have to do it after all. 

“And if you don’t fight the dragon?” Gilmore was really thinking of all the possibilities here.

“After that?” 

“After what?” Gilmore seemed determined to pin him down.

Vax tried Uncanny Dodge. “I don’t know...soon?” Gilmore slid out from under him, sitting up at the edge of the mattress and preparing to leave. “No, come back!” Vax pleaded.

Gilmore turned to him, unamused. “When?” 

“Tomorrow!” Vax just shouted out the first thing that came into his head. “I’ll do it tomorrow.” It must have been the right answer, because Gilmore leaned back and kissed him. 

“You’ll feel better once it’s over,” Gilmore said. Vax seriously doubted that. But in the meantime, he was alive, and there was a beautiful man in his bed, kissing his way down Vax’s neck to his clavicle, warm hands sliding down his torso to his hips...and if they kept on like this for much longer, Vax would not need Umbrasyl to kill him, because Gilmore would have already done the work for him. But what a way to go...