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Chapter Text

(The tv is turned on.)

(The flashing light of many cameras fills your vision. Suddenly, a red font appears, the logo of modelling company Jahad is shown, a few seconds later in golden letters appears the phrase “The Untold Tale”. The camera pans to a small room with no furniture other than a big bouffe.)

“I know today’s been tough,” Evan’s voice ringed from behind the door “but I want you to be on your best behaviour and try to not—” He is, of course, ignored and a group of girls, none of them older than twenty-five, stormed inside. Evan, who is incredibly short and therefore not the most intimidating figure for a bunch of hungry women, looks at the camera with an apologetic look. The camera zooms on the company’s hidden gems, the Princesses, the key to the company’s success, who devour all food available like hyenas. Then, it turns back to Evan.

He’s terrified and tired.

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EVAN: I’m going to be honest with you since you also seem to be here despite your will… (smiles awkwardly showing solidary) I honestly don’t know why I’m doing this. This is supposed to be a documentary about the Princesses, not me! (There’s silence but you can feel someone glaring from the defeated look Evan has) Anyway, my name is Evan Edrok and I’m a vital member of this company. I know the good relationship I have with the Princesses might be misleading when it comes to exactly how important and respectable I am but (he pauses) (watches the footage of the Princesses him handing him empty cups, plates and one half-eaten apple) I’m sorry what was I saying?

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“Um, we need to get your hair done and make-up so if you could,” Evan struggled to say while trying to catch even more garbage “hurry.”

Khun Maria lifts her gaze, looks once at Evan and then at the camera. She proceeds to playfully nudge Ahn. “Evan is right, hurry up otherwise we’ll all have to wear hats to cover this mess.” The girls seemed terrified at the idea and quickly began leaving the room. Evan sighed in relief. He knew there was a reason Maria was his favourite.

Speaking of favourites…

“Evan! We’re out of cookies!” Ha Yuri, despite what common sense told him, was also high in the list.

“Help me clean up and maybe I can resolve the issue.”

“I know you have extras inside your backpack, midget,” Yuri said but still threw away some of the trash. Evan shrugged and gave her his Emergency Cookies For When In Need of a Favor. He turned to the camera.

“Want one?”

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EVAN: Yuri is a bit rebellious but she’s not bad. And trust me we had some bad apples here (stares in the void and shudders) keep her happy and fed and all is good.

YURI: I think Evan is my favourite person here. Know why? He reluctantly lets me have my way and gives me snacks. Like a fun babysitter who is done with their life. Anyhow, I don’t get why you would want to make a documentary on us. Nothing fun ever happens (she pauses) well, sometimes fun things happen but only when someone outside the agency is involved.

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(The camera pans to the inside of a different area, probably the main studio, filled with lights, chairs and green background. The girls were all sitting aside from Repellista who was doing some overdramatic whispers and Endorsi who hadn’t shown up all day.)

“I’m telling you it’s true.”

“Sounds too over the top,” Lilial said not bothering to even lift her gaze from her phone’s screen. Her twin, Shilial, nodded much to Repellista’s annoyance.

“I’m telling you, Jahad has signed her for a trial period.”

“No way, he would have Anaak’s [beep] child,” Shilial argued. If one replayed the clip, they would hear the cameraman sigh because ‘there goes our no swears for no reason’ rule.

“He had Endorsi who is not important like us. And she’s not a treat either.” Lilial mumbled. Maschenny lifted her head to see Endorsi standing a few meters away with a much younger girl.

“Well, girls,” Maschenny began and put down her phone. The others followed in her trail. Maschenny was currently the oldest of the Princesses and while that didn’t necessarily make her likeable, it made her respectable. “I’m almost certain this is Endorsi with Anaak’s daughter.”

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ENDORSI: Anaak was one of the oldest Princesses that gave up modelling after getting pregnant. So although I had met her back when I was still struggling to get any good deals, we never had the chance to work for the same agency! Which is a bummer because I love Anaak. She’s the best. (Endorsi shows pictures of her and Anaak Sr) That’s why when I learned that her daughter would become a Princess, I knew I had to be her mentor. The problem? I don’t think she likes me all that much.

ANAAK JR: (silently stares at the camera) (she doesn’t say anything but anyone can feel her judgy eyes)

ENDORSI: Then again, I don’t think she likes anyone.

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“There is an emergency!” Repellista yells at no one in particular. Both Maria and Yuri stop dead on their tracks. Even though Repellista never has true emergencies, both girls await the moment something actually important will happen. Maria because she’s a saint and Yuri because she wants a laugh.

“I doubt so!” Evan yells from across the room. He can recognize Repellista’s Emergency Behavior from miles away. Repellista ignores him.

“Rabbit Fairy closed!”

“With a name like that, I’m surprised it didn’t close sooner.” Yuri stated, “And their coffee was awful.”

“That’s an exaggeration.”

“Not really, Marco used to go there as punishment every time he didn’t do well on the company’s financial evaluation.”

“Well yes, that’s because it’s real soul-destroying coffee and not that cheap sugary heart attacks Starbucks sells.” Repellista defended “And now that it’s gone, we no longer have a coffee place near!”

“A real tragedy.” Yuri said, “Tell you what I’ll go find you some coffee if you let me borrow your red dress for the photoshoot.”

“That’s my favourite dress.” Yuri didn’t bat an eye. Repellita’s coffee addiction was her greatest weakness. “It better be good coffee.”

“I’ll try. Maria, want anything?”

“No, thanks.”

“Evan?”

“My mental stability!”

“Yeah, yeah, shut up, quicksilver.” Yuri made a quick turn “Hey, where’s Maschenny?”

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(The camera shows a door. Noise can be heard from behind it. The cameraman—from the arm’s tone, it seems to be Quant—opens it just enough to fit the camera’s lenses. Inside, Khun Maschenny is pacing, one hand on her phone the other on her temple.)

“—your name, you irredeemable asshole!” she yells at the person in the other line “I will burn you alive and then feed your bones to the strays!”

Despite Maschenny’s voice being incredibly loud, Quant could still be heard swallowing at the threat. People who have worked with Maschenny claim that her temper isn’t the best but for a viewer who has only seen her smile brightly at the cameras, this comes as a surprise. And not a good one.

Suddenly, Maschenny gasps in an overly dramatic way. She takes a breath and stomps her foot down. “This is why mum never [beep] loved you!”

“Nope, nope,” Quant tells himself and quickly leaves.

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(The camera zooms on a face. Or to be more precise zooms on a pair of golden eyes. The person who they belong to seems uncomfortable and tries to awkwardly cough. Lero-ro, one of the cameramen, has no idea how the camera zoomed in and for some reason he can’t zoom out.)

“I’ve got coffee!” Yuri can be heard from somewhere nearby. After some seconds, Lero-ro fixes the camera. The person with the golden eyes finally has a face and his hands filled with three coffees.

“That’s not just coffee,” Maschenny says a little annoyed at Yuri for holding the boy with both hands like a stray puppy. Repellista runs towards them and grabs a coffee. She takes a sip. It’s too sweet, probably not hers, and before she can manage to say something, the boy hands her a cup. She repeats the process and moans.

“Yeah, this is Bam. He works in the Hand of Arlene, it’s a bistro three blocks from here.”

“And you brought him here because…”

“He seemed bored.”

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MASCHENNY: Bored? (even more enraged) Bored?

YURI: Maschenny was a little off honestly but I don’t know why. I mean, maybe she doesn’t like Bam but have you seen Bam? He’s like a kitten!

BAM: (looks around) I’m not sure I know what’s happening here.

MARIA: Oh! (seems ecstatic as if a lightbulb has appeared on top of her head) Maschenny is probably upset because Yuri is very, um, touchy, with the new guy and she has the biggest c—wait, this will be broadcasted, yes? (The camera moves up and down as a nod) Oh…um, I have no idea why Maschenny seems annoyed. Maybe she’s on her month. Or y—

(The tv is turned off.)

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“This was horrible,” Zahard told Lero-ro and Quant as he crossed his arms. He turned towards Hansung who was sipping his coffee quietly. By his side, stood Evankhell with a pained expression. “We can’t show this.”

“Humor is good. It has potentials.” Hansung tried to argue “But it’s certainly not the route we’re aiming for. It’s too chaotic and frankly not much entertaining.”

“Maybe the problem is the focus on everyone. I mean, not much happens in the agency so that being the main focus is dull.” Evankhell said and turned to Jahad “Maybe if we focused on a Princess’ life in general?”

“That would mean documenting the entire family,” Hansung told them. He sighed. “Who would be that self-absorbed?”

Jahad’s eyes lighted up. “I may have an idea.” Both Lero-ro and Quant gulped.

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(The camera shows Maria and Maschenny sitting next to each other in identically grey chairs in front of a blue background.)

MARIA: So (she moved a stripe of her hair behind her ear) we’re really excited about this.

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(The camera moves elsewhere, in a similar scenery. Only this time two different people are sitting on the chairs. On the left one is Khun Marco who pops bubblegum. On the right, it’s Khun Kiseia making an ironic peace sign because according to her ‘peace is never an option’.)

.

(The camera moves again. This time there is only one person on a chair—Khun Ran—and next to him an empty seat. That’s because Khun Hachuling, the person meant to be sitting there, is spinning Ran’s chair and laughing.)

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(The camera shows Maria and Maschenny once more. Maria still smiles on her seat, and so does Maschenny, until the latter let out a groan.)

MASCHENNY: WHO AGREED TO THIS?!

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(The camera shows a bastard. The best bastard.)

EDUAN: Lets do this, woohoo!

Chapter Text

(The image is in black and white. A girl with short white hair walks barefooted to the kitchen. As she walks, she passes two people sleeping on the couch. She freezes and almost drops her bottle of water. She is shown to re-entering the kitchen. When she returns, she’s no longer holding a bottle but a knife and some tape. The video has no sound so one can only see her doing something near the sleeping people. After about five minutes, one of the people, the one with the spiky hair, seems to wake up. He can’t move. It looks like he’s screaming.)

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MASCHENNY: (sighs loudly for everyone across the world to hear)

KISEIA: No one told me they would move in with us!

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Maria is standing next to a PowerPoint shown on the empty wall. Maschenny is next to her, playing something on her phone. The camera catches a glimpse of Quant rubbing his hands after the eventful night he had. Maria smiles and clears her throat. “May I present you the spectacular family tree of the Khuns?”

“He puts Zeus to shame,” Maschenny mumbled.

“That’s irrelevant,” Maria tells her trying to maintain some of their dignity. She starts the presentation which is filled with pictures of the Head of the Family. “This is Khun Eduan. He eats, sleeps, impregnates and when he’s in the mood, he drinks.”

Lero-ro raises his hand. Maria points at him enthusiastically. “When you say ‘in the mood’?”

Maschenny laughs. Loudly. “Every mood.”

.

(A video shot by an immature is shown. You can tell by the moving and random zooming. Maria is shown with a tiara saying happy birthday. You can hear someone crying like a baby. “They grow so fast!” Eduan weeps as Marco pats his back.

“Dad, I’m not leaving.”

“Who cares about you? I’m talking about this!” he says and points at the tv showing a documentary about lion cubs. “Ran, get me a drink!”)

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(Another video is shown at the 12 Months Awards. Khun Eduan is sitting with Maria, Maschenny and Ran at a table looking at the stage. A woman with big ponytails taps the mic. “The nominees are Urek Mazino, Jahad, Paracule and Arie Hon. And the winner is”—she opens the envelope—“Urek Mazino!”

“In your face, Jahad!” Eduan shouts with excitement as Maria tries to cover his mouth. He turns to Ran. “Get me a drink!”)

.

(More shots of Eduan telling Ran to get him a drink in different tones is shown.)

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EDUAN: (looks offended) Who’s in charge of these clips? They’re highly edited and wrong. (pauses) (takes out a flask and drinks)

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In real-time, Maria and Maschenny seem to be regretting everything that has brought them to this moment. Maschenny has stopped playing her game while Maria stumbles on top of her in an attempt to sit. “Okay, okay,” Maschenny says as she takes the laser pointer from her sister’s hand and lets her sit. “She always gets like that with the birthday incident.”—she changed the slide, a picture of a young Eduan and a beautiful woman in a wedding dress—“So, at the golden age of seventeen Khun Eduan leaves his girlfriend pregnant and ends up marrying her. Said girlfriend is, you guessed it, Valeria Ascensio. And it works pretty well, you know? He starts his own business with a, not even remotely, small loan from his father and she is a diva with an angelic voice. Surprisingly, though, despite having gifted parents, Marco ended up like that.”

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(A video is shown with Marco either tripping somewhere or quietly sitting in a corner chewing bubblegum. The entire thing lasts for three whole minutes before Hachuling is shown leading the two cameramen somewhere. He slightly opens the door to reveal the bathroom. Someone is showering.

“—put your dream in action,” the same someone sings off-key “you’re never gonna fade, you’ll be the main attraction! Not a fantasy!”—from the shadow appearing in the curtain, the ‘singer’ took the showerhead at that part and used it as a microphone—“Just remember me! When it turns out ri—”

Hachuling burst into laughter. Marco dropped the showerhead and peeked from the curtain. “You have a head start of three seconds, weeb.”

“What you gonna do? Sing Mamma Mia to me until I cut off my ears?”

The video is cut short as the camera hits the ground. The glass breaks, destroying most of the image, but one can see Quant and Lero-ro running outside as Hachuling screams.)

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MARCO: Sure, I can’t sing but I’m managing fifty present of dad’s company and know martial arts. (he seems to be lost in thought) I can also kill a man with a spear but it’s doesn’t come handy in my daily routine. (he crosses his arms) And unlike some people, I don’t have daddy issues.

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(Many shots of the rest of the children looking offended and saying “I do not!” are shown.)

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MASCHENNY: Ha ha ha, joke’s on him! I have mommy issues!

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Quant has fallen asleep. Maschenny claps her hands to wake him up. Lero-ro tries to contain his laughter and fails. Maria changes the slide. A different woman appears in a tux. She has an elegant yet ominous vibe. However, it’s completely ruined by the drawn red tail and horns. “That wedding lasted for a year and Eduan took, unfortunately for him, custody of Marco because Valeria toured often. Two months later he meets Maschenny senior, who is married—”

“And a [beep]”

“and they have an affair for about two years which led us to Maschenny junior.”

“Fun fact, she actually managed to pass me for her husband’s child for six whole years,” Maschenny said sounding impressed. The camera zoomed on Maria behind Maschenny’s back pointing at the drawings in the picture and then at Maschenny. As if there was any doubt.

Maschenny changes the slide. It’s another wedding photo. Khun Eduan is in a blue suit, his arms around another pretty girl with a white puffy dress. She seems happier than Valeria but Eduan has the same tired expression. “This is Ana, the only ex-wife slash girlfriend that doesn’t make me want to gouge my eyes out.”

“My mum.” Maria smiles warmly “And Hachuling’s.”

“Yes. They’re related.” Maschenny quickly adds “I mean, we’re all are, but they’re more related. It’s hilarious.”

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(Various videos of the two screaming at each other are shown. Some times, items are thrown. There is a clip of Maria sitting in a fetal position as Hachuling t-poses.)

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HACHULING: People are always surprised by us being full siblings. It’s like, everyone knows Maria and how the good girl next door she is so they expect the male version of a Mary Sue as her brother. (he laughs at the bad joke) So yeah, we’re not really similar character-wise but we’re both loved on the internet. (he finger-guns the camera) Fame is in our blood.

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MARIA: Hachuling is a YouTuber. (she gives an awkward smile) And not a particularly famous one. He got most of his subs after showing Urek Mazino in one of his streams and saying that our dad wants to fight him.

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“Anyway, they got a divorce while she was pregnant with me due to character differences,” Maria says with a shrug. The cameramen look equally puzzled with that. Maschenny coughs earning a glare from Maria. “Fine, he wanted to see other people because who can eat the same food for three years?”

“He almost immediately gets together with Sol Agnis and proposes in just a week which is a surprise and at the same time not.” Maschenny points out “He is smitten who would have known.”

The picture in the next slide shows as much. It’s another wedding photo, only this time Eduan looks extremely happy to be there while his wife’s smile could only be described as ‘the way you smile as a child to your toxic extended family because you’re too young to murder them’.

“She plays him like a fiddle because not only does she manage to avoid a prenup, she also divorces him as soon as she gives birth to their children.” Maschenny says in between laughter “She gets one-third of his money, plus a small island in the Mediterranean.”

“To get back at her, he hired the best lawyers to get custody of the twins, Kiseia and Aguero, and he succeeded but only because she willingly gave them up.”

“So, we have a young filthy rich woman with no children to raise and all the time in the world,” Maschenny said, accidentally bumping her head on the wall from laughing too hard. “I mean sure, it didn’t work out perfectly, because Aguero wanted to go at a specific high school near her but it’s only for three years.”

“Two actually.” Maria cuts in “It’s sort of a boarding school for gifted children, has harder classes and more hours so it and takes two years to complete. It’s in Gangnam-g—”

“So, Khun Eduan is stuck with lots of children, less money and no wife and the dignity he thought he had is thrown out the window.” Maschenny explains “At that point, any sane person would try therapy.”—she changes the slide to another picture of her mother, this time with a black tooth—” Instead he tries to re-seduce a married woman for the prestige. What prestige this is, I have no idea.”

“That’s how we got Ran!”

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(The camera shows the family having breakfast. Quant and Lero-ro are a little further away to get a better shot. They’re also eating something. It’s annoyingly quiet, not a sound to be heard but Khun Eduan chewing grapes.)

Ran lifts his gaze and turns to his father. “I’d like to discuss something with you.”

“Well, go ahead.”

“Not right now.” He says “We can have a family dinner and I’ll tell you then.”

“You didn’t get a tattoo, did you?” Eduan asked, “Because last time we had a family dinner because one of you wanted to say something important, Hachuling had gotten a tattoo.”

“It wasn’t permanent,” Hachuling said in his defence.

“Oh, the photos I took are.” Kiseia smiled to herself. Marco high fived her.

“It’s not a tattoo.” Ran said and got up. He grabbed his backpack from the chair. “Today at nine. Don’t be late.”

“He’s going to tell us that he murdered a classmate of his, just wait and see,” Hachuling whispered as soon as the door closed. The rest of the family seemed to agree.

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(The camera shows Maschenny talking on the phone. She’s in the studio alongside Yuri and Endorsi. Despite making sounds of confirmation, it’s apparent she isn’t paying attention to the speaker.)

“Yes, aha, I know.”

“Yuri! Do the smile again!” the photographer shouts at Yuri who gives the camera a cheeky grin. Both she and Endorsi look like proper Princesses of Jahad, able to mesmerize anyone. And apparently, they had.

“Tonight at eight, bye,” Maschenny says before she had time to register the words. She looks at the phone with terror written in her eyes.

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MASCHENNY: So, I accidentally have to attend a party and be back on time for Ran’s dinner. (she sighs) What was I thinking? (a small video of Maschenny talking to the phone while staring at Yuri is shown) The thing is I can’t bail. Jinsung is a close friend. Well. Not really. We have a hate-love thing going on because he’s a bitter apathetic smoke addict and I’m a joy to the world—

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(This time, the camera shows a lunch trait. It’s too zoomed in so a small yoghurt cup takes half the screen.)

“What are you doing?” The camera shows Kiseia’s face. Well, actually, it shows a zit near Kiseia’s nose for about two seconds before zooming out.

“Quant gave me ten bucks to film us at school.”

“So? We’re rich.”

“No, dad’s rich. You’re a pampered pet dog.” Kiseia slaps the back of his head. Ran winces.

“Anyway, I came to tell you that I’ll be going to the movies with Wangnan Ja so I’ll be missing our little get-together tonight.”

“Cute.” He says and pinches her cheek “Be back at nine.”

“I told you about it out of politeness. I don’t really care about your permission.” Kiseia says and crosses her arms. Ran places the camera on the table, far away from his tray. He stands up but says nothing. Satisfied, and a little confused, Kiseia turns to leave.

“Hey, sister o’ dear? Remember Mas’ red dress? The one she had worn when she became a Jahad Princess? Absolutely adored that one. A shame she lost it.”—Kiseia froze where she stood—“Now that I remember it more, didn’t you ask to borrow that dress before it mysteriously disappeared? You know, for Yeon Yihwa’s party?”

“Where are you getting at?”

“I’m just saying that if I were to ask Yeon for pictures of the party, I would probably see you in that red dress.” Ran smiled wickedly at her “That means you would be the last person to have seen it. I’m sure you’d be able to help Maschenny find her favourite dress.”—Kiseia bit the inside of her cheek—“Unless of course, something terrible happened to it.”

“I’ll be back at half eight.”

“Great.”

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RAN: I feel a little bad because I actually caught my threat on tape so Maschenny will probably see it when the episode airs. (after a minute he shrugs)

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While Lero-ro is with Maschenny at the party, Quant is filming at the Khun residence. Currently three of the male Khuns, Eduan, Marco and Hachuling are peeking inside the kitchen as if something terrible is happening in there. Quant manages to film the inside but sees nothing other than Maria humming while cooking.

“Don’t open the door that much or she wi—” Eduan whispered to him a little too late. Maria turned around happily.

“Oh, you’re here!”—she put the kitchen knife on the counter—“Just in time to try the salad!” The boys carefully entered the kitchen and sat down, minus Quant, with a pained expression. Maria took a plate from the fridge and brought it to them. It was a jello-like cake filled with peppers and carrots. On top was a single lettuce leaf.

The four people exchanged looks. Hachuling takes out his phone. “I’m ordering.”

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Maschenny had been at the party for twenty minutes and things weren’t going well. For starters, she wanted to avoid talking to anyone because she didn’t know the reason for the party. It couldn’t be birthdays because she saw no cake but it could be birthdays because there were far too many balloons. Plus, it was hard not talking to anyone when a camera followed her around.

“This can’t get any worse.” She told the camera.

“Miss Maschenny!”

“This can get worse.” She repeated before drinking every last drop of her whiskey. Then she quickly put on a fake smile. “Bam! Hey! How are you? I’m good. So great to see you,”—she awkwardly slapped his arm—“champ.”

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MASCHENNY: Why does the world hate me?

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Bam, surprisingly, didn’t seem too weirded out and just smiled. A genuine smile. Not whatever Maschenny was trying to do. “I didn’t know you knew my uncle.”

“Uncle?”

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MASCHENNY: Oh no. Oh crap. Oh [beep]. Why don’t you just let me [beep] die?

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“Maschenny, there you are!” speak of the devil Jinsung appeared and shook her shoulder “I see you met Viole.”

“Viole?” She had even gotten his name wrong! What kind of Mandela effect was that?

“Call me Bam, please.” He tells her “And we actually knew each other from before. I bring them coffee.”

“A small world,” Maschenny says to avoid things getting more awkward for her. “I didn’t know you had a nephew. Let alone a barista.”

“I live away normally. Finished school back in May and decided to take a gap year.”

“It’s not much of a gap year if you work.” Jinsung says with a chuckle as he pats Bam’s back “A friend of his owns the café and he wanted to help out.”

“Oh, that’s—”

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MASCHENNY: Disgusting. (the phrase “no not really” is shown below her name)

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“—very sweet of you.” She says and quickly glances at the camera. “So, where did you live?”

“Oh, I was in a boarding school at Gangnam-Gu.”

“That sounds familiar for some reason.” Maschenny tells mostly to herself “I think I have cousins there or something.”

“You probably have. My best friend i—” Bam’s cut off by Maschenny’s phone. She excuses herself and picks it up.

“I thought you said nin—fine, fine I’m coming now stop yelling at me.” She said and hanged up. She threw an apologetic look at Jinsung and Bam. “I’m sorry, I have to go. But it was great seeing you both!”

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MASCHENNY: (lost in thought) I think my stylist is from Gangnam-Gu.

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When Maschenny and Lero-ro return home, it’s a true battlefield. The family is gathered in the kitchen. Kiseia has her foot on the table, Eduan throws grapes at his children, Marco is sleeping with his face on a plate—at least, they hope he’s sleeping—Hachuling points at Maria with a knife as she threatens to throw three noodle cups in the trash. Also, Ran is missing and Quant is trying to catch the grapes Eduan throws with his mouth.

“Time-out, time-out,” Maschenny shouts at them. Everyone stops what they’re doing minus Marco who falls from his chair. “What are you doing?”

“Sleeping.”

“Not you!” Maschenny shouts again and turns to Hachuling “Put the knife down. And Maria, step away from the trashcan.”

“I did not cook for three hours so that he would order!”

“Calling this ‘cooking’ is a crime!”

“Both of you shut up,” Maschenny says and slams her fist on the table. “Listen, we do this every time and it’s a bit tiring so let's skip to the end. Since Maria cooked, we ought to give her food a chance. Then, we can properly eat something that won’t poison us, yes?”

“Hey!”

“Don’t hey me, you’re good at many things but cooking is not one of them.” Maschenny says and grabs the noodles “Where is Ran?”

“Said he needed Luch to drive him somewhere. He’ll be back soon.” Kiseia told her before eating on the grapes their dad had thrown. Maschenny sighed and took a bowl with what it seemed to be cookies.

“This looks nice.” She said and handed one to Hachuling. Seeing how they looked pretty normal, she ate one. “What is it?”

“Crab cookies with pesto.” As soon as Maria finished her sentence, Maschenny ran outside the kitchen shouting something that sounded suspiciously like ‘I’m gonna throw up’. On her way, she bumped in two people but paid them no attention. Meanwhile, the rest of the family did.

“So,” Ran began and placed a small suitcase on the floor “we’re back.” Another person followed with an awkward smile.

“When did Kiseia change clothes?” Hachuling asked. Kiseia slapped his arm hard as he seemed to pick on what’s happening. “Holy [beep]!”

“You’re back!” Maria shouted and ran to hug Aguero. Kiseia followed soon after while Marco ruffled his hair. Maschenny stumbled in the kitchen a minute or so after the whole event.

“This was awful. Hey Aguero.” She mumbled as she sat down. Three seconds after she gasped, jumped from her seat and went to hug her brother. “You idiot, why didn’t you tell us you were coming?”

“Ran insisted.” Aguero chuckled “Besides, Marco would want to pick me up from the airport and he’s an awful driver.”

“I’m wounded.”

Aguero laughed as he took a seat across the cameras. He stopped and looked at them, confusion written all over his face. “Um, hey?”

“Oh yeah, I almost forgot.” Eduan said and handed his, thankfully almost eighteen, son a glass of—who are we kidding, it certainly wasn’t juice—wine “We’re making a documentary.”

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AGUERO: What do you mean I have to participate in this until I’m legally eighteen?

Chapter Text

(The camera follows a figure walking inside a room. It’s Khun Aguero Agnis—one could tell it was an Agnis kid by the distinctive hairstyle—in a casual shirt and jeans making his way in the kitchen. He goes to reach for the light switch but something seems to catch his attention.)

“What the fuck?” he whispers. Hachuling, who is holding a bowl of what appears to be cornflakes, shrugs. He is still in his pyjamas. “It’s five in the morning.”

“Yeah.”

“Why are you awake?”

“I usually go to sleep in about an hour.” Aguero stares at him like a madman. Hachuling eats a spoon of cornflakes making the crunchiest sound possible and ‘showing’ everyone that he hasn’t poured any milk. “My sleeping schedule got ruined at the tender age of ten and never recovered.”

Aguero sighed and reached for the lights but before he could, Hachuling grabbed some cornflakes—with his hands—and threw them at him. “I don’t like the light.”

“Fine but you’re making me coffee.”

“Right away.” He says as Aguero takes a seat. The only sound one can hear comes from the coffee machine. Then, the lights are turned on. Maschenny covers her yawn as she looks at her brothers. Hachuling hisses at her like a stray cat seeing a dog. She turns off the lights.

“Want coffee?”

.

(The scene changes and this time there is a clear shot of the entire family having breakfast. Eduan is eating pancakes and drinking something from a flask while Maria and Marco talk near the kitchen counter. Hachuling is laying on top of two chairs wearing a sleeping mask and Ran can be seen eyeing both him and a bottle of water suspiciously. Kiseia and Aguero are both looking at their phones while Maschenny eats in silence.)

“What’s this?” Kiseia says in an annoyed tone and points at Aguero’s phone screen.

“Hm? The hotel I’ll be staying send me some in—”

“What hotel? You aren’t staying at a hotel.” Maria cuts in. Suddenly, all eyes are on him and even Hachuling has awoken from his slumber.

“That’s what I said but he won’t listen,” Ran adds.

“I wouldn’t want to be a burden by staying here.” Aguero tried to explain. A weak excuse if one was to remember how big the mansion was.

“Is it because of the c-a-m-e-r-a-s?” asked Hachuling who apparently believed that neither Lero-ro nor Quant knew how to spell. The rest of the children, minus Aguero, looked at Eduan with pleading eyes. The man sighed.

“You’re forbidden from staying elsewhere.”

“But mum is paying?”

“Yes. With my alimony.”

.

MASCHENNY: Living with a bunch of annoying idiots can be hard, so I see where Aguero is coming from, but the house is incredibly big. (she chuckled) One time I managed to avoid Hachuling for an entire month.

.

KISEIA: Maybe he wants to bring one night stands over? Oh good god, my room is next to his! (she quickly takes out her phone and starts scrolling) I need to find the hotel’s number and beg them to take him.

.

“Now that this is settled,” Maria began with a sweet smile “since you’ll have free time you should come to work with Maschenny and I.”

Eduan dropped his fork. He had been afraid of this moment.

Marco scoffed a bit. “Not a very productive way of spending your day.”—Maria gave him a pointed look—“Wouldn’t it be better if you came to work with me? I mean, you are planning on working in the family business, it will be a good experience.”

.

EDUAN: It’s true I am a God among men, but I do have a flaw. (he leans in) I am a bit competitive…and so are the kids.

.

MASCHENNY: Nobody knows when the war for Aguero began or why (she pauses) actually I think it’s because he’s more of a cat than a person and cats are great (she claps her hands) anyhow, it’s all harmless fun. For me, at least. After all, I’m obviously his favourite.

.

 “That sounds—”

“Incredibly boring.” Hachuling chimed in before Aguero could finish. He took his sleep mask and put it on Marco. “AA is on vacation, he should have fun. And what’s more fun than helping me pour fifty bottles of Coca Cola in the pool?”

Everyone went silent. Aguero gave him a puzzled look. “Why?”

“You know that mentos experiment?”—Aguero nods—“Imagine it on a much bigger scale.”

.

AGUERO: (he buries his face in his hands) T-the carbon dioxide will have already escaped.

.

HACHULING: Let's do a poll, yes? If your siblings had the most boring routines in the history of boredom, wouldn’t you too prefer to spend your day with the funniest person in the world who also happens to be featured in most of the ‘vines I still quote to this day’ videos? (he crosses his arms) In conclusion, I’m adorable and the favourite brother.

.

MARIA: Obviously I’m against this so-called competition and I love all my siblings equally. (A clip is shown from earlier today when Maria says ‘I would sell Hachuling to Satan for half a corn chip’) But if I wasn’t against it, I do believe I would be Aguero’s favourite.

.

EDUAN: The worst part is that they don’t even do it because they love their brother. They just refuse to not be number one in anything. (he chuckles) When Maschenny was four, she actually tried to prove that she’s the firstborn even though Marco was seven.

.

“You are not allowed to do that,” Eduan told Hachuling. He didn’t say the word ‘again’ but anyone who followed Hachuling’s YouTube channel knew of the ‘Video That Must Not Be Named’ which included coke, soda, candy canes, a gingerbread house, tears and much tape and had only lasted four hours before getting banned.

“No, Hachuling has a point,” Kiseia said as Hachuling smiled proudly. She shook her head. “Yeah, no, I mean about the vacation part. You shouldn’t do any work.”

“He wouldn’t work if he hanged out with us,” Maschenny told her.

“Being surrounded by the Princesses should be considered social service.” Ran shot back with a grin “And torture.” Maschenny raised her mug to throw it at Ran but Maria grabbed her before she could. Kiseia high fived him.

“We could skip the first period and saw you around.” Kiseia continued with a sweet smile “Oh! We could prank people like in middle school!”

“Yes!” Aguero said a little too quickly. Eduan shuddered at the memory of having to explain to a bunch of teachers and the headmaster that he did not in fact have quintuplets but rather twins that took after their mother’s evil nature.

“I’m sure you could pull off the twins from the shining.” Hachuling told Kiseia “You’re equally creepy.”

“Why you [beep]—” Kiseia said as she grabbed a butter knife.

“Put the knife down!” Eduan yelled.

Maschenny snorted. “Relax, butter knives don’t really cut.”—Eduan opened his mouth—“Here watch.”

.

MARCO: (the camera is zoomed in on his face) SHE STABBED ME (the camera zooms out to show his bandaged hand)

.

AGUERO: So, I ended up going with Maschenny and Maria. (he clasped his hands together) Hopefully, there are no knives in the studio.

.

MASCHENNY: Stabbing is an overstatement.

.

Maschenny returned to the studio with drinks in her hands and nerves. She quietly thanked whatever celestial power existed for not letting Lero-ro come with her to the coffee shop or the camera would have caught her spilling the first bunch of drinks after pushing the coffee’s door instead of pulling. Sure, Bam assured her that she wasn’t the first customer to do that, and wouldn’t be the last, but it didn’t save her the shame. She would give the drinks to everyone and then lock herself in the bathroom, do the Khunning Technique, and call it a day.

Fate, however, had other plans.

“What.” The scenery was simple. Yuri was laughing like a maniac, Lero-ro was trying to get good shots and Maria was taking a picture. Now the notable part of this was the picture itself featuring an ecstatic Maria and a very smug Endorsi doing lifts with Aguero—looking like death itself—in her arms.

“Oh, my love, you came!” Yuri said to her coffee. Maschenny glared.

“What are you doing?”

“Fighting the patriarchy.” Endorsi simply said. Aguero groaned.

“I wanted to take a picture but we had some chairs in the way so we went to move them.” Maria began explaining “So, Endorsi tries to grab three at the same time—”

“And I just asked her if she wanted help!” Aguero cut in letting his head fall back in frustration “So she picked me up with the chairs.”

“The chairs are heavier than you actually,” Endorsi said as she put him down.

“I will fu—”

.

(A shot of Maria’s Instagram profile is shown. There are two new pictures. The first one is of her making the peace sign, Endorsi winking and Aguero—still being carried bridal style—giving the camera a defeated smile. The next one shows the three Khun children sharing an embrace. The caption says ‘Hanging with my favourite people’ and below there are three types of comments: 1. People being dramatic about the beauty of everyone 2. bots and 3. Hachuling saying ‘rude’ and Eduan replying ‘+1’)

.

(Various clips of Khun Eduan in different rooms are shown. The camera zooms in his face as Hachuling appears in every one of them, sighing loudly. Eduan jumps.)

.

Mentally thanking his past self for buying an unnecessary big house, Khun Eduan stealthily entered one of the living rooms. He looked at every corner of the room—even below the table—and sighed in relief. With a swift move, he removed his oversized coat to reveal a bathrobe and then proceeded to open a drawer and grab a bottle of champagne. Smiling, he laid on the couch and placed two slices of cucumber (that no one could understand where he got) on his eyes.

“Play The Kids Are Out playlist.” Eduan said as the music began playing “But not too loudly.” Like a cat when its owners are missing, he nuzzled in his seat and enjoyed the quiet.

Until the door burst open and someone sighed loudly.

“Damn you!”—Hachuling refused to answer, just sighed even louder and threateningly— “What do you want from me? I already gave you life!”

“My favourite show ended,” Hachuling explained as he sat on the couch. “I have no other things that bring me joy.”

“That’s a bit of an over—”

“No!” he clapped “Other!” and clapped again “Things!”

Eduan thought he ought to be the one asking alimony from his wives for the mental torture he had to endure. He thought his work was meant to be only about food, material needs and education, none of the ‘emotional’ stuff. No wonder Jahad refused to be part of his children’s lives. Eduan took a long sip from the bottle before clearing his throat.

“You know what always makes me feel less depressed?”

.

Ran had spent sixteen years avoiding being traumatized and he was particularly proud of it. However, the lack of traumatization did not mean things were good or even normal. Still, Ran had been so caught up with Aguero’s return that he had time to pretend that everything was normal.

In retrospect, he should have known that something was off as soon as he got inside the house and listened to the chorus of All-Star. Ran, a known luck pusher, searched the house for the culprit(s) for about ten minutes before he opened the door to the guest room. There he saw Hachuling, his dad (and Quant!) sitting in a hot tub while drinking margaritas.

“You’re home early!” Eduan smiled.

The moment the first notes of Never Gonna Give You Up began playing, Ran closed the door.

.

“Do we have to do this?” Kiseia asked as she entered the studio. Ran trailed behind her equally unamused. Some steps in front of her stood Hachuling filming everything he could with their dad making many inappropriate gestures at every framed picture that showed one of Jahad’s photoshoots.

Marco pulled away from his phone and sighed. “Unfortunately, Han sung wants the promotional pictures to include all of us.”

“Fear not,” Maschenny shouted as she approached the family. Aguero and Maria only a few steps behind her. “The spotlight will mostly focus on me.”

“So, how did you name that high horse of yours?” Ran asked. Maschenny flipped him off.

.

“It’s been three hours,” Hachuling whined as he fell on top of Marco. The other one flicked his wrist to get a look at his watch.

“Three minutes.”

“Feels like a century!” Hachuling continued “When is the photographer coming?”

Maschenny checked her phone. “He’ll be here any minute now.” She turned towards Quant “I haven’t heard of him, is he any good?”

“FUG only hires the best,” Quant said proudly. Maria smiled politely and nudged Maschenny’s shoulder.

“We don’t doubt it!”

“I doubt it,” Maschenny said quietly “what kind of name is Shibisu?”

Aguero began coughing violently as if he was chocking. Hachuling began hitting his brother’s back in the least helpful way possible. No surprise he had failed his First Aid class.

.

AGUERO: Quick question, Shibisu is a very common name, right?

.

“Khun! My love!” someone announced loudly. Everyone turned to see a man—the photographer—making his way towards them. Maschenny and Ran groaned as Kiseia, Marco and Maria stared at him horrified. Hachuling slapped Eduan’s arm. “Please tell me he was of legal age.”

“I have never met this man in my life!” Eduan said before quickly adding “Could you please turn around?”—Shibisu, despite his confusion, made a turn—“I have never seen this [beep] in my life!”

“It’s true, I don’t know him.” Shibisu says “I mean, I do, because it’s Khun Eduan and I’m not living under a rock—”

“Shibisu is an acquaintance of mine,” Aguero explained. Shibisu glared. “Friend. He is a friend.”

“And a father.”

“No.”

“For the love of all that’s holy, I do not want to know of your daddy kink.” Maschenny cut in.

“Ah, no, we do not have that kind of relationship. Khun is sort of pin—”

“Sorry to interrupt, you’re friends from school right?” Kiseia asked.

Shibisu nodded. “I’m one year older.”

“Perfect. Do you have pictures and videos I can use as blackmail?” Before Shibisu could reply, Aguero shoved Kiseia in the back and glared at him.

.

KISEIA: Shibisu actually handed me his email in a napkin so (she flipped off the camera)

.

“It’s great seeing you, I didn’t know you’d be here. You should have called! Or messaged! God, didn’t we talk a week ago? Why did—”

“It was an impulsive decision,” Aguero said with a smile, his tone hesitant.

“Well, did you come with Ba—”

“Bar,” Aguero replied quickly. “We should go to a bar and catch up. Amazing idea. Will do it for sure. Oh, but would you look at the time, we should probably get started with the photo shoot!”

“God, we’ll need so much coffee,” Maschenny mumbled and took out her phone.

.

AGUERO: No comment.

.

(A photo is shown with the family in a pink convertible. Marco is ‘driving’ with Maschenny riding shotgun drinking an actual martini. Although the fans do argue about whether it’s real or not. Kiseia, Aguero and Maria squeeze in the back with Ran laying on top of them. Hachuling is sitting on top of the trunk trying to push off Eduan who is next to him.)

.

(Another photo is shown with Maschenny and Maria both dressed in excessive gowns. Maria is leaning against a Victorian mirror as Maschenny uses a pair of red heart-shaped glasses to ‘apply’ lipstick.)

.

(The third picture of the photoshoot shows the Agnis twins posing next to each other. They’re both wearing tuxes and though Aguero will take it to his grave, Kiseia pulls it off better.)

.

(Next, there is a picture of Ran ‘dining’ in a fancy restaurant with Hachuling and Marco as annoyed waiters.)

.

(Out of all the pictures taken, the best is off Khun Eduan wearing only a pair of red boxers and standing upside down on a stripping pole. His own idea.)

.

“Okay, for this next one, I need you to pick up the girls.”

“I’m sorry but Ran can’t even hold himself,” Maschenny said and approached Shibisu. She leaned in and whispered something. Shibisu’s eyes lighted up.

“Do it!”

“Excellent!” Maschenny said amused “Dad and Marco, you take Kiseia. Hachuling and Aguero, Maria.”

The groups formed fast despite Kiseia’s threats regarding brutal murder if either Eduan or Marco dropped her. Ran chuckled at the whole ordeal, pleased that he didn’t have to participate. That is until Maschenny picked him up bridal style.

“What the [bleep]?”

“We’re getting it framed.” Maschenny said, “Maybe if I pull some strings, we can get it on your yearbook too!”

“I will choke you with your shoelaces!”

“I will gladly change places with you,” Hachuling said as he tried to stabilize Maria “this is torture for my hands.”

Maria glared at him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“He’s calling you fat!” Eduan shouted.

“He’s not,” Marco argued, “he just has noodle arms.”

“I do not!”

“Oh? So, you are saying I’m fat!”

“Okay, you all need to calm down.” Aguero told them “The more behaved we are, the sooner this will be over.”

“Coffee’s here!” Maria shouted, ignoring Aguero’s ‘let's do this quickly’ attitude.

(The camera turns around to show Bam approaching with a bunch of coffee cups. A loud screech is heard—or perhaps a ‘shit’—and then a thud. The camera doesn’t show what has happened and instead remains zoomed in Bam’s face. His customer smile replaced by shock and then by worry.)

“Aguero!” Bam says as the camera turns. Aguero, Maria and Hachuling are all laying on the floor after Aguero dropped Maria who in return took Hachuling with her as she fell. Luckily none of them are hurt although Aguero looks like he’s on the verge of dying.

“Why do you know everyone here?” Kiseia mumbles mostly to herself.

“Bam, um, hi, I didn’t,” he cleared his throat “hi.”

“You already said that.” Ran told him, not bothering to whisper. Maschenny shushed him.

“You two know each other?”

“They do!” Shibisu exclaimed happily as the two boys blushed. Aguero smiled and tried to regain his composure while stepping next to Bam and helping him with the cups.

“Bam is,” he paused as he looked at him “my best friend.”

.

HACHULING: (tapping his feet) Two bros chillin’ in a photoshoot (claps his hands to the rhythm) one foot apart cause they’re not gay.

.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming here.”

“Yeah, um, my family invited me,” Aguero said before realizing that he probably shouldn’t have lied while there is a camera filming his life. “And you’re also here so,”

“Oh.”

Okay, maybe he should not be that honest either.

.

KISEIA: It’s true. You can’t look away from a trainwreck.

.

“Do you want, I mean, after you’re done, we could, um, go for a walk?” Bam asked, “Show you around?”

Now, the thing was, Aguero was not a stranger to the city and in fact, he probably knew more places than Bam did. Still, he found himself saying ‘yes’ before even a second passed.

“Oh, you can go, now. We’re done.” Shibisu said with a smile “I still need some pictures of Maschenny and Maria as the faces of Jahad but the rest of you are free to go.”

As Bam and Aguero walked forward, Lero-ro got ready to follow them. Maria, seeing that, nudged Maschenny’s shoulder. The older Khun girl mouthed a sorry to Quant and turned to Eduan.

“Hey dad, I was talking with Lero-ro about the picture you took.”

“I’m flattered, but he’s not my type.”

“No, no, he actually said red isn’t the right colour for you.”

No one understands how quickly it happened but one moment Eduan is standing next to Maschenny and the other he’s chasing down Lero-ro with a stool in his hands yelling “Red brings out my eyes, you prick!”

.

(A YouTube video titled ‘My New Career Part 2’ is shown. Hachuling is standing in the middle of his room waving. “Hello, everyone, as you can guess this is the unofficial sequel to ‘Mum Vine doesn’t pay the bill’ and it will follow me as I give up on YouTube to follow a better career path.” He smirked “I’m going to become a singer! In fact, you, my lovely subscriber, will have the honour to hear my first out of many hits. Enjoy!”

The scene changes as Hachuling stands in a yard. “This is dedicated to my dear brother who came back for his family and only his family.” He hums a melody for a few seconds and then starts singing. “Why the fuck you lyin’? Why you always lyin’?” as Hachuling dances awfully, Kiseia can be seen spotting him in the back. She smirks and walks towards the watering system. “Oh my God, stop fuckin lyin.” The sprinklers go off.)

Chapter Text

(The camera shows the inside of a bar. There is no one there except a tired-looking bartender with spiky white hair—he is quietly sketching something while a bunch of empty glasses lay in front of him—and a bunch of menaces called Khuns. There is a huge sign saying ‘Congrats on the renewal’ but no one seems particularly happy.)

.

MARCO: (fixes his posture) After some recent events things have been kind of intense in the family due to some misfo—

KISEIA: OUR BROTHER IS A SIMP AND IT’S TEARING US APART

.

MARIA: Shouldn’t there be a saying about this? Like bros before hoes?

RAN: I don’t think bros matter to him in this case. (he pauses) Honestly, I didn’t mind it at first but it’s like he can’t shut up about this guy. I understand he has urges—

MARIA: (horrified) Please shut up

RAN: But I just want us to have one conversation without talking about him.

.

AGUERO: (seems confused) I had no idea it bothered everyone so much. (more silence) On one hand, I understand it can be annoying but…

.

MASCHENNY: (there is no playfulness in her tone) Next time I see his ugly face, it’s on sight.

.

(The camera zooms in Aguero’s face trying to build the tension. That is until a thud is heard as Eduan slams loudly—thankfully without breaking—his drink.)

“I can’t do this anymore.” He shouts dramatically and leans back against the counter. The bartender seems scared for a moment but eventually shrugs it off and continues his sketching. “I do not approve of this obsession.”

(The camera returns to Aguero. It lingers there for a second or two. Then immediately moves to show Hachuling. He is playing something on his phone. There is nothing weird about it until the camera zooms out. He’s wearing a blue shirt with the words ‘Welcome to Hell, bitch’ and the face of an anime character. Hardcore fans of [redacted] know this is custom-made.)

.

MARIA: We were actually very happy when the documentary was un-cancelled.

MASCHENNY: First of all, it’s a reality show. And second of all, we will find those who cancelled it in the first place. (she moves to scratch her neck but instead trails her thumb against it. The message is clear.)

MARIA: However, our feelings about it being broadcasted live are (she paused) mixed. And the family would not be too found about it.

MASCHENNY: So, we didn’t tell them.

MARIA: Are we worried they’ll find out? Well, dad only uses social media for unholy purposes. Marco still uses Facebook. Kiseia, Ran and Hachuling can be bribed and Aguero—

MASCHENNY: We rely on luck for this one.

.

(The camera shows the kitchen of the house. Marco, Eduan and Maschenny are sitting at the table eating quietly while Maria prepares coffee. Aguero and Ran enter.)

“Good mor—”

“Shush” Maria tells them and moves a bit closer. “Marco is stressed and noise makes him go psycho.”

“When you say psycho—”

“One time, he bit dad.” Ran cuts in. He smiles at the fond memory. Eduan rubs his left arm. Feeling satisfied with the answer, Aguero grabbed some toast and sat down. Meanwhile Ran opened the fridge and grabbed some chocolate and a note. He glanced at it before throwing it away and taking a bite.

.

MARCO: Today is a very important day for our company. We are one step away from buying Arie Enterprise and today is the meeting where we will finalize everything. It’s been driving me nuts. (he laughed) I even made a PowerPoint to make sure everything goes according to plan. Although it was a bit challenging seeing how I had to type everything with my feet.

(A footage of Maschenny stabbing Marco back in Episode 2 is shown next to a Facebook story of his that shows him flipping off the camera while laying on a hospital bed.)

(There is silence.)

MARCO: Why feet instead of one hand? Well, that’s ridiculous, five fingers could never beat ten toes.

.

Kiseia and Hachuling walk inside. Hachuling looks frantic as he runs up to Marco and hands him a pair of headphones. “I use them for my streams so they should do the trick.”—Marco puts them on and immediately relaxes—“Quick, say whatever you need to say before he becomes aware of the material against his ears and freaks out.”

.

EDUAN: On a scale of 1 to 10, how [beep] up would I be if the deal for the company went south? Not saying I did anything but (he flashes an awkward smile) I’m not denying it either.

.

“Everything is fine,” Eduan announces proudly even though no one asked. The family continues their breakfast in silence until Kiseia opens the fridge.

“Where is my chocolate?”

“In Ran’s mouth,” Maschenny says not bothering to look up from her plate. Ran throws a piece of toast at her. She catches it mid-air.

“You little [beep]!” Kiseia shouts at him. “This was mine; it had my name on it.”

“Well, I did not see it.”

“The post-it note is right in front of you.”

“You know I can’t read.”

Hachuling looks at Marco who, fortunately, seems to be at peace with the noise-cancelling headphones. Even Kiseia slamming her hand against the table doesn’t seem to gain his attention. “You know I order those from Sweden, they take forever to come here!”

“Not my fault you’re a brat who can’t handle local chocolate!”

“And it’s not my fault, dad didn’t pull!” At that point, all the other siblings—except Marco—seemed to momentarily die.

“Will you two stop traumatizing our poor souls?” Aguero snapped. The tone made Ran feel a little guilty, but Kiseia was an entirely different story.

“Fine. Can’t accuse me of not being creative.” She said and smiled sweetly “Hey dad!”

“Oh no,” Eduan whispered. Ran immediately became more alert.

“Will you be driving us to school or will you meet Ran there?”

“Shut your mouth.”

“Why would I come to your school?”

“Why, Ran’s class is throwing a career day. All the other kids will have their parents there.” Kiseia explains and turns to Ran with a sweet smile “And it’s not like miss Maschenny will be attending.”

“A career day? That sounds fun.” Eduan says while Ran seems to be plotting Kiseia’s gruesome murder. “But I can’t come, kid, Marco and I have the meeting with Arie Hon.”

“Such a shame, I will miss you very much,” Ran says and flips off Kiseia. The girl, however, doesn’t seem to be willing to give up.

“Yes but the meeting is later, isn’t it? Surely you can drop by and say a few words so poor Ran won’t feel abandoned.”

“Shut up, you evil—”

Eduan looks like a dog who just ate the food you placed on the table. Extremely guilty. He looks over at Marco and opens his mouth to speak but is interrupted by Maschenny. “Maria and I can go.”

“We can what.”

“You can what.” Both Kiseia and Ran say at the same time with Maria. Maschenny places her fork down and turns to Ran.

“If your classmates saw how cool your sisters are, they might even start thinking you too are cool.”

“I have other sisters?”

“That’s a great idea,” Eduan says happily, not because the idea is actually good but because he wouldn’t have to attend.

“Please, not them. I will even have Hachuling instead.”

“I’m flattered.” Hachuling says “But I have an important stream.”

“AA?”

“Can’t. I’m going to a carnival and need to get ready.”

“A carnival?” Maria repeats. She and Maschenny share a look. “Doesn’t seem like your kind of scene.”—Aguero mumbles something—“I’m sorry, what?”

“I said it was Bam’s idea.” Maria seems satisfied with the answer and continues with her eating.

.

HACHULING: So, to get this gay, AA can be grossly smitten with the coffee guy and no one bats an eye (he slaps his knee) but when I proclaim my love for Albedo—

.

MARCO: One might say that your career can not be defined by a single achievement.

EDUAN: (laughs awkwardly)

MARCO: But that’s loser talk. My entire career is defined by this very meeting and if it goes wrong, ha, I will be losing it.

EDUAN: (mouths ‘help me’)

.

(The two men enter the building’s elevator. Marco tries to remain calm, quietly repeating keywords from his presentation. Beside him, Eduan cowers guiltily. The elevator door opens.)

“WHAT THE EVER LOVING [beep]?”
.

MARCO: PATRICIDE

.

EDUAN: (pulls out a list from his pocket and shows it to the camera, it has his children’s names on it) It goes from most likely to kill me, Aguero, to least, Marco. (he also pulls out a pen and draws an arrow next to Marco’s name, now placing it before Aguero)

.

Marco wakes up with a camera zoomed in on his face. He shakes his head a few times. “Did I pass out?” Eduan nods making Marco sigh loudly. “I had this horrible dream—”

“Was it about the office being trashed while all of our staff is gone?”

“Yes!”

“It wasn’t a dream,” Eduan admitted shyly.

.

EDUAN: In my defence, he left me unsupervised for two days.

MARCO: I was in the hospital. (he paused for the dramatic effect) I WAS STABBED.

EDUAN: So, we both agree it’s Maschenny’s fault.

.

(The camera shows a classroom and a man in a funny rabbit outfit taking a bow. For legal purposes, and so there isn’t a callout post on Tumblr, the outfit doesn’t resemble a rabbit per se. It could also be a fairy.)

“Thank you, Mr Headon.” The teacher, miss Serena, says in a kind tone although it’s obvious she’s a bit concerned about the parent. “Who would like to go next?”

Maschenny raised her hand and flashed a smile. Behind her, Maria mouthed an apology to Ran who seemed like he wanted the earth to swallow him whole. As the teacher nodded, Maschenny took a chalk from her chest while flashing a flirtatious smile. She gracefully walked towards the board and wrote the word ‘modelling’.

“As you probably know,” she stopped herself as a boy who sat next to Ran raised his hand, “ah, yes?”

“Aren’t you too old to be a model?”

Maria let out a small gasp. Even the camera shook a little. Maschenny, however, remained calm and simply smiled. “How old do you think I am, little fellow?”

“I don’t know. Forty?”

Even though Ran covered his mouth with his hands, it was obvious that he found the entire ordeal hilarious.

.

MARIA: I will spit in Kiseia’s coffee, just you wait.

.

(The sound of the doorbell echoes. Hachuling, who is wearing a white hoodie and sweatpants, walks barefoot to open the door. When he opens it, Bam is shown smiling. A smile that falters just a little at the sight of this particular Khun.)

“Hello, I’m her—”

“Yeah, yeah, let's do this quickly, I have a stream.” He says and closes the door to Bam’s face. “Aguero! It’s for you!”

Aguero comes into view in a bathrobe. The entire clip trends for a week. He rubs his eyes. “I’m busy.”

“It’s Bam.”

Suddenly, all colour drains from his face. “He’s one hour early!”

“Should I tell him to wait?”

“No! I can’t make him wait that long!” Aguero shouts and slaps his hand “Stall him as I’m getting ready!”

As soon as Aguero leaves, Hachuling opens the door. “So, how is it going bestie?”

.

Maria, having quietly put Maschenny in a time-out before she killed a child, was explaining to the kids how a photoshoot happened when Maschenny suddenly stood up. “The props are here!”

“Props?”

“Yes, for the presentation.” She winked at the teacher “I like to be prepared.”

“Please stop hitting on my teacher!”

“Maria,” Maschenny said sweetly ignoring Ran “could you please go bring them? The amazon guy is at the back entrance.”

“Sure? I guess?”

“Excellent, and miss Serena, could you perhaps help my sister? The box is kind of heavy.”

“Oh, of course, but the class—”

“I can keep an eye on them. And Quant. And,” she looked behind her to see that all parents had left in the middle of Maria’s presentation “the camera.”

Somewhat satisfied, the teacher nodded and left with Maria. Maschenny waited a while until she could no longer hear their steps. Then she grabbed two desks and placed them behind the door like barricades. “Ran, hand me a chair.”

“No.”

“You little [beep].” She mumbled and took the chair herself placing it on top of the desks. Then she made a graceful spin and walked towards the boy from earlier. “What’s your name?”

“Prince.” The boy smiled smugly. Maschenny returned the gesture.

“Well, Prince,”—she grabbed him by the collar—“I’m a very good person so I will forgive you for your small mistake regarding my age just like your mother should forgive herself for the mistake she made sixteen years ago but if you ever, ever, think about pulling something like that on me again I will rip your teeth out and wear them as a necklace to the next award show I go.”

There was a knock on the door that slowly became more urgent. From the other side, Maria and Serena were trying to open the door to no avail. “Then again, I suppose this would be the only case in which people would cheer you on,” Maschenny said ignoring her name being called from the other side.

Both Prince and Quant were terrified.

.

Hachuling slammed the door to Aguero’s room. “Please tell me you’re done, I already explained to him the plot of all three [redacted] games. He isn’t a gamer but he laughed at some memes. I approve.”

“I still need time,” Aguero told him coming into a full view. Hachuling looked at him from head to toe. He was already dressed, his hair was as straight as they came, tied together in a ponytail and he wore a pretty pair of earrings. “I look like a mess.”

“You really sound like Maria, you know?” Hachuling said and walked around him “I think you look pretty.”

“You have juice stains on your hoodie.”

“There is no need for a personal attack.” Hachuling told him while putting his hand on his chest “But on a serious note, you look great, I can even facetime Maschenny and Maria to back me up.”

At that, Aguero seems to relax a little. “How is—”

“Your high school sweetheart?”

“We are not high school sweethearts.”

“You mean you have casual [beep]? AA, no, this isn’t you. This is Eduan. You are better than this.” Hachuling says and dramatically falls on the bed “And so! They were right! You become what you hate!”

“Shut up,” Aguero told him, a soft smile on his lips “we’re just friends. And we’re late to the carnival.”

“Have fun!”—Aguero closed the door—“Use protection!”

.

(The camera shows Prince writing the phrase ‘Maschenny is young and beautiful’ for the fifth time on the blackboard.)

“And so, here we have a picture of me in my first runway—” Maschenny stopped herself “Do you hear something?”

One girl points towards a small window when a hand appears in view. Soon enough, Maria is shown trying to climb.

“We’re on the second floor.”

“Open this damn door!”

“I really wish I had these noise-cancelling headphones right now.”

“Ran, open the door!”

Ran stood up but Maschenny handed him a credit card. “For your loyalty.” Ran sat back down.

“Maschenny!”

.

MARIA: I stood there (she takes a deep breath) for an hour!

.

RAN: On the bright side, now that my classmates know I have a crazy psychopath for a sister, and a slightly less crazy sister that does parkour, they’re all afraid to double-cross me. (he scoffs) Except for Anaak but that’s because she’s equally crazy.

.

(Kiseia is shown walking alone in the yard. She looks around suspiciously. The look on her face is similar to the one Eduan had earlier today.)

“Everything okay?” someone said making her screech in return. She turned around to see Aguero, and the guy whose name did not remember, standing suspiciously close to him. “You didn’t bury another body, did you?”

“I obviously wouldn’t bury it in the same place.” She told him before glancing at his hands and specifically at a stuffed turtle toy “Aren’t you a little too old for this?”

The guy next to Aguero opens his mouth to speak but the other cut him off. “Bam, over here, won it in a ring tossing game actually. You remember ring tossing, right?”

.

KISEIA: that sly mother[beep]

.

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Remember how terrible you were at it?”

“As I said, I remember.”

“The woman who had it even gave you a consolation prize because you were that bad.”

“Your point was made.” Kiseia said annoyed “I’m going inside, do not do anything disgusting.”

“Like paint a picture of you?”

“I hope you choke!”

Aguero smiled and turned to Bam. “I’m sorry about her.”

“It’s fine, siblings can be tough.”

“No, I mean, I’m sorry about her existence.” Bam laughs too loudly at that. It’s an unflattering sound, still, Aguero looks like he’s hearing music. Twitter goes wild. “I would invite you inside but there are a bunch of cameras waiting to hear you snore.”

“I don’t snore.”

“We were roommates.”

“That was Rak! I’m innocent!” Bam told him “I sleep like a baby, you’re the one who was hurling the covers.”

“And you spoon everyone.”

“Yeah, for warmth!” Bam tried to defend himself making them both laugh. The moment is gone just like it first appeared. “Um, it’s late, I should go or, I mean, yeah.”—Aguero’s smile falters but he quickly regains composure—“I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Right, of course.”

“Great.”

“Great.”—Bam gives him a quick hug—“Good night.”

“Good night.” Aguero makes his way to the door when he hears Bam’s footsteps stop. “Hey Khun?”—he turns around—“I’m really glad you’re here.”

.

AGUERO: I have this weird chest pain.

.

(A montage of Marco and Eduan cleaning the entire office is shown, they are both going as fast as they can but the damage is already done. For example, there is a giant hole in the wall that Eduan covers by using a portrait of himself.)

“I think I’m dying,” Eduan said and laid on top of an office. “We have three hours left, we’re not going to make it.”

“Yes, we will. Now quit whining and mop!”

“You sound like my mum!”

The elevator door opens and Hachuling rushes in. “Why aren’t you answering your phone?”

“Oh God, not you!” Marco shouts and lets the broom hit the floor “Blueberry, I had such a bad day today, my entire career is hanging by a thread, my idiot father has thrown a monster party in my workplace while also giving all of our workers a week off, I’m very close to jumping outside that giant hole that will never be covered up by such a small portrait and the last, last, thing I need is you!”

“That was brutal,” Eduan whispers while Hachuling stares.

“I cancelled my stream—”

“Nobody cares—”

“I cancelled my stream,” Hachuling repeats “because you wouldn’t answer your phone. And I needed you to answer your phone because I found an unopened email addressed to dad from Arie Hon saying that he would come,”—the elevator door opens once more to reveal a well-dressed man accompanied by three bodyguards—“three hours earlier.”

“[beep]”

.

MARCO: Hey God. Just a tip for the future, when I say ‘this can’t get any worse’ I do not mean it as a challenge.

.

“Hey, buddy!”

“Eduan,” Arie Hon greets “you seem tired.”

“Yeah, but does the floor look spotless?”

“Excuse him, he’s indeed tired.” Marco cut in and quickly shook the other man’s hand “Please, let’s talk inside the office.”

“Is the office the one with the giant hole? I’m afraid I must refuse.” He turned to one of his bodyguards “I knew this was a mistake, let’s go.”

Eduan quickly got to his feet. “My friend, this is a misunderstanding, you see, we didn’t receive your email.”

“I also tried to call. Your secretary wasn’t here.” The man gave the entire place another look and sighed. He opened his mouth to speak again but closed it as soon as he got a good look at Hachuling. “You seem familiar.”

Hachuling seemed confused for a second. Marco cleared his throat and cut in “My brother is a YouTuber, a very famous one too.”

.

HACHULING: He called me famous!

MARCO: (smiles) This is a one-time thing.

HACHULING: It’s on camera. I can just hear it on loop.

.

“Ah, yes! My grandson likes you. Makes me watch your videos whenever he can.”

“You have grandchildren?” Eduan whispered, more to himself “Oh my God, the passage of time will get to me.”

Hachuling’s eyes open wide as an idea dawns on him. “If your grandson is a fan, I’m sure he would be really happy to meet me. He could even be featured in one of my videos.”

“Really? That would be great.”

“If.”

“If?”

“You come back in a week to have the meeting with our company.” Hachuling began “My brother, and my dad surprisingly, has worked really hard for this. You just caught them in a bad moment and if you give them just one chan—”

“Okay.” Hon cuts him off “Meet up with the kid and I will give the drunkard another chance.”

.

HACHULING: Honestly, Marco is very lucky that my passion is the internet, otherwise the company would be mine in a blink.

.

(A video is shown with Marco sitting on a chair, a crown on his head. He seems miserable. A ‘You own him’ is heard from behind the camera. A beat drops and Hachuling appears next to him, dressed in all black and a pair of blue sunglasses.

“CEO, entrepreneur, born in 1994, Marco, Marco Asensio” Hachuling sings while Kiseia and Aguero appear behind him as backup dancers, “CEO, entrepreneur, born in 1994, Marco, Marco Asensio.”

Maschenny runs in the frame with a kazoo while Ran chases after her. “Come on, Marco, you can do it. Pave the way, put your back into it. Tell us why, show us how,”—Maria who is behind the camera shows a picture of Marco in diapers—“look at where you came from, look at you now!”

“Khun Eduan and Maschenny, amateurs like them are plenty. Fuck their mums! Drink their blood! Come on, Marco! Get them!”)

Chapter Text

(The footage is of Hachuling’s dark room. The boy is inside, shirtless, and holding a ring light. He moves in slow motion as if he’s filming. The door suddenly opens to reveal Kiseia. They stare at each other without speaking. Kiseia, still appearing dead inside, closes the door.

The opening of the show starts.)

.

MARIA: Today is a very special day.

MASCHENNY: (snorts) I don’t see why we should celebrate, it’s a very usual occurrence. (she crosses her arms) Maybe we should just start sharing a day.

.

(Marco and Hachuling are sitting next to each other. Unlike Maschenny, they seem content.)

MARCO: (chuckles) It’s Ran’s birthday.

HACHULING: Now don’t get us wrong, we absolutely love all birthdays (a quick clip with Maria crying on her birthday because Eduan had been more emotional about an animal documentary than her reaching adulthood from the first episode is shown) but Ran’s is our favourite to celebrate.

.

(Kiseia looks ecstatic sitting on her own chair, happily drinking a bubble tea. Aguero, on the other hand, looks like he’s a parent forced to go to the play store with his only child. Not grumpy but not happy either.)

KISEIA: The good thing about Ran’s birthday is that it’s more of a celebration for us than him. (smiles widely) His one and only request is for us to leave the house for an entire day.

AGUERO: Which is depressing (gives Kiseia a pointed look) really shows our good family dynamic.

.

The family was having breakfast as they usually did the last few days when Maschenny stormed inside grinning from ear to ear. She clapped her hands and leaned towards Ran who was trying to enjoy a quiet breakfast.

“Guess.” She told him, still refusing to stop smiling. “I am the best sister you could have asked for.”

“You aren’t.”

“Okay maybe I wasn’t at some point,” Maschenny continued “but I am now. Legally.”

“No, Maria is my favourite sister now.”

“This is insulting.” Kiseia cut in before grabbing a glass of water. “I better be number two.”

“You are.”

“Score.”

“Anyways,” Maschenny said and glared at them both “I scheduled an appointment with White for you.”

Ran began coughing violently, managing to startle Kiseia. The family looked at him, confusion visibly written on their faces, only for Ran to shrug it off as if nothing happened.

.

RAN: (awkwardly laughs for three entire minutes)

.

“Who is White?” Aguero asked, “And what oth—”

“If you make a colour joke, I will throw the toaster at you,” Marco mumbled without raising his gaze from his phone. Aguero sighed in disappointment.

“He’s our piercing guy. Remember? Scrawny kid? Has murderous vibes?” Maria explained.

“The guy who called himself King and would threaten to devour the soul of those who cried while getting pierced?”

“Yeah, that bundle of joy.”

Maschenny cleared her throat. “Despite his antics, we’ve all been going to White when it’s time to get our ears pierced. It’s family tradition.”

.

MARCO: It’s not a family tradition, it’s a family nausea. It all started when I asked dad for a piercing for my sixteenth birthday. (he scoffs) Father, oh dear, forgot about it and only remembered five minutes before my birthday ended. White’s place was the only one open at that hour which makes sense considering the only guy working there was my age and using a piercing gun.

.

“That’s great, ‘Chenny.” Ran said with a smile. In retrospect, the nickname should have caused more alarm. “Unfortunately, White’s place is a bit far for me and I would hate to travel alone.”

“I can drive you.” Aguero told him “But I have plans so I won’t be able to stay.”

“If you don’t mind spending some time at the mall,” Marco continued “Hachuling and I can pick you up at noon.”

“Oh, great.”

.

RAN: I can probably get a ticket to Australia before then. Heard there are many creative ways to die there.

.

The ride to the mall was quiet, much to Ran’s relief. Aguero, with the exception of Marco, was the least talkative out of his siblings, a fact Ran found himself being thankful for. Had he tried to make small talk or question his nervousness, Ran was sure he would jump out of the moving car. On second thought, he still could. Maybe this was the foolproof plan he desperately needed.

“We’re here.” Aguero announced stopping the car “Maschenny said the store is on the second floor right next to the elevator.”

Second floor, Ran repeated to himself, to make jumping easier. Yet he was confident that jumping from there would only result in a few broken bones. Aguero waited for him to open the door but his limbs felt frozen in place. It was at that moment that Ran made a decision he would regret one second later.

“Can you come with me?”

Aguero opened his mouth to reply and Ran was certain he’d refuse. He hoped he would refuse. After all, he had plans and the last thing Ran wanted was for anyone to witness him making a fool of himself.

“Oh, I have,” he stopped himself and stared at Ran for a while, his expression unreadable, until he sighed. “sure, let me just send a text.”

.

Quant, after last time’s rendezvous, had decided to film Maria thinking he had fewer chances of getting arrested. He was about to find out how wrong he was.

“Hey, hey, clear the hallway.” Maria ordered him looking frantic “Chop chop.”

Before Quant could answer, Kiseia passed in front of him sprinting, making her way inside Eduan’s room, two pans in hands. “Wake up, disappointing father figure!” Maria covered her ears, something Quant wished he had done as well, as a loud thud—that suspiciously sounded like a metal surface striking a human bone—echoed.

“This is elderly abuse!”

“Well, we agree.”

“Agree on what?”

“On you being an elder.” Kiseia yelled back “Get up, we need to go and buy Ran’s gift. Which you were supposed to get, oh I don’t know before his actual birthday arrive?”

Quant, terrified, let out a whimper. Maria offered him a comforting pat. “Don’t worry she didn’t actually hit him.” She explained, “We need him to drive.”

Maybe, just maybe, he should have stayed with Maschenny.

.

What Quant didn’t know was that there was a third option; filming Hachuling and Marco which was what Lero-Ro ended up doing after Maschenny made it clear that she couldn’t have a filmmaker with her that day. Of course, filming the older Khun brothers having the equivalent of a study date wasn’t the most interesting thing in the world, but Lero-Ro was happy to just drink his coffee in peace.

“Is this some weird fetish thing?” the waitress asked seeing how Marco and Hachuling eyeing their respective piles of paper while Lero-Ro filmed. She carefully placed the cups of coffee in front of them, trying to hide herself from the camera.

“I suppose it could be considered vog—“ Hachuling stopped himself as Marco glared “Unrelated question, is Bam working today?”

“Viole?” the redhead asked “No, he asked for a day off. Are you friends with him?”

“Our brother is,” Marco told her making Hachuling scoff at the word. Marco remained oblivious.

“Shame, I wanted to annoy him. Well, not annoy him obviously because he’d be working, but trick Aguero into thinking I was annoying him.”

“We can not be possibly related,” Marco mumbled and put his pen down as Hachuling’s phone vibrated. The younger Khun reached for his phone, freezing when he opened it. “Everything okay?”

“Great!” Hachuling said a little too excited before coughing “I mean, spam emails.”

.

HACHULING: One of the things not many people know about me, minus the most loyal members of my fanbase who still remember my personal Tumblr blog, is that I am a fanfiction reader. (he pauses) I don’t read things related to myself though. At least, not after that very graphic smut fic between me, your name and a plant. (he pauses again) It was very good! Grammatically correct! Poetic! But, um, just a bit traumatizing. Kudos to the author and all, I left you a comment but you probably didn’t realize it was me because after you thanked me, you also said, and I quote, hey bestie if you’re interested in roleplaying you can dm me on discord. (he clapped his hands) Point is, fanfic! Fanfics are great and a favourite of mine just came back from a four-year hiatus!

.

“Put your phone down.”

“It won’t take long.”

“Homework first, pleasure second.”

“Don’t call it homework, it’s a thesis.”

“Even worse,” Marco told him and handed his phone to Lero-Ro. He then grabbed his own and went to shut it off but stopped when he opened the screen.

“Don’t stall,” Hachuling yelled at him and grabbed his phone. “The same rules that apply to me, apply to you.”

“It will only take a moment—”

“Too late, our babysitter already has them.”

“I did not agree to this,” Lero-Ro muttered.

.

MARCO: Okay, here’s the thing, Hachuling watches too much tv, consumes too much media, you get the drill. So, naturally, I can’t help but consume that media as well. Sometimes. (he shakes his head) It’s not my fault. Our rooms are next to each other and he watches everything at incredible volume. The problem is he doesn’t even see good things, he chooses the greatest premises with the most tragic character, and relationship, development. Makes me want to buy whatever he watches and rewrite it myself! (he closes his eyes) Point is, I have recently started reading fanfiction to ease the emotional pain. It’s fine, it's not a problem, I think I’ve read maybe twenty—

(QUANT: works?)

MARCO: Pages in ao3. From a specific fandom. In fact, one of my favourites updated after being on a very long hiatus and if I don’t read it, I will combust.

.

MASCHENNY: I’m going on a date with Yuri today. (she smiles) Well, not a date per se, but she got a big deal with E.M.I.L.Y and suggested we go to an amusement park to celebrate. (she looks pleased)

.

“Hey!” Yuri shouted and ran up to Maschenny grinning like an overexcited child. “I got your ticket.”

“Look at you, first day in your new project and you go around spending money.”

“Do not be fooled, I got six in the price of five.”

Perhaps, this should have been the first red flag for Maschenny. Still, a kid faceplanting on the cement after exiting one of the rides had captured her attention to the point she didn’t really listen to her surroundings. A decision she would later regret.

“—my earrings.” Maschenny stopped in her tracks as soon as she heard the voice. The world had suddenly stopped.

“Oh, what will you do? Hit me with your cane, you hag!”

Scratch that. The world had stopped so God could come down and struck her.

.

MASCHENNY: (at the verge of a breakdown, smiling too widely) Turns out my date was actually, most certainly, a friendly get together. With Endorsi. And Anaak. And Evan. And Bam. (slaps her hands together) How long has she even known Bam?

.

YURI: Bam was actually the glue of this get-together. I have unofficially adopted him, Evan loves his coffee, Endorsi thinks he’s cute and Anaak does not scoff when talking to him. He’s God’s favourite. Oh! And Maschenny likes him too! (pauses) Well, she hasn’t said anything but he’s close with Aguero so I’m sure she loves him.

.

MASCHENNY: (screams)

.

“ I don’t know how many mugs are too many mugs.” Kiseia starts looking at the camera “But perhaps thirty is too many mugs.”

“What if one of them breaks, huh?” Maria shot back while placing three more mugs inside the shopping cart. “Hey, should we also get a [redacted due to copyright] for Hachuling?”

“Why? Because he got up at a reasonable hour?”

“No, because he helped out with the company,” Maria explained and grabbed the first figurine on the shelf.

“Not that one.” Kiseia said a bit too quickly “I mean, if we’re buying him a thank you gift, might as well buy something he wants.”—she grabbed one from the next shelf—“Limited edition from his favourite show.”

Maria looked at her smiling. Kiseia hissed.

“Look at this!” Eduan yelled making a dozen of customers look at the sword he was holding. Quant was almost positive it could be used for murder if held at the right angle.

“You are not buying a sword.”

“Maria is right.”

“Thank y—”

“We’re buying two swords! I want to challenge Aguero to a duel!”

.

MARIA: (sighs)

KISEIA: We also got a crossbow

.

Ran was certain he would die. The good thing was that he could logically argue about it without appearing like a coward. After all, White’s place was taken straight out of a horror movie. The walls were white, possibly for the pun, and the floor was a shade of deep red; a colour match that would be great for a children’s hospital but not for a tattoo parlour and the only sounds that could be heard was laughter and crying.

“This is traumatizing.”

“It’s not,” Aguero mumbled, more to himself as a little girl crying ran outside. White followed soon after, eyeing the people in the ‘reception’.

Maybe it was the blood (well, ink) on his hands or the “Whose soul shall meet the King next?” but it was at this moment Aguero became Ran’s favourite once more.

“We’re leaving.”

.

“How are you doing?”

“Only one page in.” Marco sighed and laid his head on the table. “Life is a prison, prison is life.”

“We should take our phones back,” Hachuling said. Behind him, the barista—Hwa Ryun as she introduced herself to Lero-ro when she gave them their fifth cup of coffee for the day—looked disapprovingly ready to smack his head. “To check on Ran! He said he would call us when it’s time to pick him up!”

“No need to worry about that, Aguero stayed with him.”

Both Hachuling and Marco blinked at the girl.

“Are you a witch?”

“Yes.” She replied with ease “But I also spoke with Viole three minutes ago and he told me Aguero cancelled on the amusement park they were going because he had to stay with his younger brother for his piercing appointment.”—she sighed—“Honestly, with how much Bam talks about your brother, I could probably write an essay on your lives. More than one page.”

“Cruel.”

“Wait, Khunbam was going to go to an amusement park?”

“What the [beep] is Khunbam?”

Hachuling ignored his brother and threw his head back laughing. “Imagine them crashing Maschenny’s date!”

“Actually,”

.

“I still can’t believe you bought the pink fishnets.”

“I’ll wear them on my fishing trips with Jahad.”

“Since when do you go on fishing trips with my boss?”

“My life is a mystery.”

“Well, the stuff barely fits the car.” Kiseia sighed as she stuffed two more bags next to Maria. “Another win for capitalism.”

“Half of these are yours.”

“Like I said, capitalism.”

“Still,” Eduan began “I feel as if we’re forgetting something important.”

“I doubt so. We made a list.” Three. Maria had done three lists to be certain. Yet they all missed the same thing.

.

“I’m not going on that,” Maschenny said for the sixth time in the past ten minutes. Everyone had gotten used to it by now but still asked her. Anaak muttered something that shouldn’t be broadcasted.

“Know what? Me neither.” Yuri said, “But the rest of you have fun!”

“I’m throwing Anaak off.”

“I’m throwing myself off.”

“Please, let the seatbelts be good,” Bam whispered as the four of them climbed on the rollercoaster.

“They grow so fast,” Yuri whispered and pretended to cry. Maschenny chuckled. “You smiled!”

“Did not. It was a twitch.”

“Smile. Laughter even.”

“I hate you.”

“I’m your best friend.”

“Maria is.”

Yuri gasped, only half for the theatrics. “It doesn’t count! She’s your sister.”

“With how my parents are, half of the world’s population could be related to me.”

.

MASCHENNY: On the bright side, she stole my french fries and I saw Endorsi with her hair messed up.

.

Aguero prided himself in being a good people’s reader. Mind you, he didn’t do much about making people feel better but at least he knew when something was wrong. Then again, his friends were always divided into three categories in regards to feeling bad; overly emotional (he ignored them for as long as he could until someone else solved the crisis), Rak (he mocked him, Rak mocked back, all was well) and Bam (15 steps plan).

Ran, however, was a fourth category that Aguero dreaded. The family one.

“Want some of my food?”

“No, thanks.” Ran told him and continued to stab his sandwich with a fork. There were too many things wrong with that.

“Are you sad about the earrings?” Aguero pressured. “I stand by the fact we shouldn’t go to White’s. You might get an infection. But we can find somewhere else if you want.”—Ran mumbled something—“I’m sorry, what?”

“I said,” he paused “I don’t want to get my ears pierced.”

“Oh.”

“Is that all you have to say?”

“Well, yeah? I mean, you could have said so from the beginning. We could have done something else.”

“But,”

“But?”

“You all do it.” He put down his fork and sighed. There was silence for a few minutes before he decided to speak again after seeing Aguero stare at him. “It’s stupid, forget it.”

“It’s not stupid if you’re murdering with a fork.”

“It’s just,” he sighed again “Marco’s ten years older than me. Hachuling is Hachuling and Kiseia is acting like an entitled older sister. You’ve been gone for years and Maschenny and Maria are in a world on their own and I can’t help but feel that everyone in this family is connecting with everyone but me. The earrings are a stupid tradition and all, but if I did it, it would just remind you that I’m here.”

Aguero nodded once and took a bite of his lunch. Had Ran not felt so emotionally charged, he would have snapped his neck like a twiddle.

“Teenagers are really all over the place with their fears and emotions.”

“I will choke you.”

“One day, when you’re tall enough.” He shot back “Anyways, I think you’re being irrational but I will blame it on the hormones.”

“I will pu—”

“However,” Aguero continued “how about, instead of piercing your ears, we get clip ons?”

.

“Ran!”

“I’m driving? How will I run?”

“No, Ran!” Maria repeated, “We forgot Ran’s present.”

.

KISEIA: One job. We had one job.

EDUAN: Luckily, there is a jewellery shop three blocks away from the house.

MARIA: We got him earrings! Fitting, right?

.

AGUERO: We were certain our lie would be uncovered when we saw the earrings but luckily—

RAN: our family are idiots and bought me clip ons.

.

(After accidentally spilling coffee on his laptop, Hachuling goes to use Marco’s. He opens the browser and comes face to face with the new chapter of his favourite fic. Marco enters the frame. He freezes. They point at each other like the spiderman meme.)

Chapter Text

(The camera shows the family, except Eduan, making small talk and enjoying their breakfast. They’re all still in their nightwear except Marco who is wearing black swim shorts and an orange tank top with a pineapple wearing a thong, below it, written in a calligraphical style, is the word ‘slut’.

Eduan comes rushing in. He’s grinning while holding a pair of swim briefs. He looks ecstatic whereas the rest of the family contemplate patricide. Aguero flashes a smile and motions his hand as if to say he wants to take a closer look. Eduan smiles smugly because at least one of his kids have taste and gives them to him.

Aguero proceeds to burn them with a lighter.)

.

“This is ridiculous.” Ran says as he stares straight at the camera. He has to keep his gaze higher than usual in order to see it, which is the first ‘alarm’ that something is different today. The camera zooms out slightly. Ran can now be seen standing in the middle of a beach, a red slushie in hand.

“We were also given waterproof cameras but this,” Lero-Ro says as the camera shows Quant holding one camera while also wearing a headband with a different phone camera attached to it—” was the safest option, according to Mr Jahad.”

“Of course, that [beep] would want a beach episode.” Eduan cuts in. He’s, thankfully, not wearing briefs but long shorts. His hair is tied in a very big bun.

“Even if Mr Jahad wanted something like this, I assure you we wouldn’t film anything.” Lero-Ro tried to defend himself. After all, despite his work at a reality show, he wasn’t a fan of such things. Eduan simply grinned. A terrifying sight.

“I was actually talking about me,” —Ran cursed— “I’m irresistible.”

“Please, delete all footage.”

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MARIA: In this world, there are two types of people. Those who love the beach (she subtly glares at the person next to her) and Kiseia

KISEIA: Ah yes, sand in every part of my body, wasps and horny people twice my age ogling. (she returns Maria’s glare) You’re right, it’s a wonderful experience.

.

“Put some sunscreen on,” Maria instructed as she handed Maschenny the sunscreen. Her sister shrugged and proceeded to hand the tube to Aguero.

“No, thank you. I want a tan.”

“You can get a tan without getting a sunburn,” Aguero said.

“And look like Kiseia?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” A voice—Kiseia’s—said. The camera turned towards a rubber boat with something laying under it. That something was Kiseia, who only had her head visible. Her hair was tied up and her face was incredibly white due to an extreme amount of sunscreen.

“Nothing, Masch says you’re a dreamboat.” —both Maschenny and Maria stifled a laugh at Aguero’s comment— “There are children here so please keep it PG-13.”

“Very funny, I’ll be sure to tell my kids about their hilarious deceased uncle.”

“AA didn’t mean it, Kiseia.” Maria, the devil’s advocate, said with a smile. Kiseia decided to let her twin’s disrespect pass and she laid back down. “You know he loves you a yacht.” 

.

Eduan is seen laying on top of a pink flamingo float, a drink in hand and sunglasses on as he lets the waves move him. He, because bastards are always loved by God, finds himself floating near a group of good-looking people. He lowers his sunglasses and extends an arm towards one of the guys.

“He’s had three divorces already!” Hachuling suddenly yells from nearby. He’s wearing a funny snorkel with googles bigger than necessary. “That’s a huge red flag, bestie!”

The girl near the guy nods in seriousness and shoves Eduan, sending him floating elsewhere.

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EDUAN: I miss going to the beach with my friends instead of my kids. They would never treat me like this. (he misses) Okay maybe they would but—

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Marco comes running towards Maschenny, Maria, Aguero and Kiseia. He clenches his stomach and tries to regain his breathing. Maschenny snorts, stands up and moves him to the side so he won’t hide her sun.

“Something terrible happened.” He says just as Hachuling, still wearing his ridiculous snorkel, approaches them.

“You’re right, it’s hideous,” Maria says.

“No, I lost Ran.”

“Good riddance.”

“Maschenny!”

“I mean, oh no,” the girl cried dramatically and placed a hand on her forehead “whatever shall we do now that my small brother, the light of my life, the apple of my eye, the little eye of my spy, the masala of my chai, is gone.”

“Don’t we have cameras?” Aguero asked before turning to the cameramen. Said cameramen were eating popsicles while playing UNO at a table nearby. “Forget I said anything.”

“Hey, four-wheelers!”

“Our brother is gone, Maschenny.”

“Yes,” Maschenny replied annoyed and pointed at a bunch of four-wheelers for rent at the other side of the beach. Truly, if one had good eyesight they could make out a very short four-wheeler driver with light blue hair terrorizing the people at the beach. “and like I said, four-wheelers.”

“[beep]” yelled both Marco and Aguero and began running towards Ran.

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AGUERO: (staring sadly at his phone) I miss Bam.

MARCO: (staring sadly at the void) I miss being an only child.

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RAN: So I’m not too young to get pierced and possibly end up with three different kinds of infection but I’m too young to drive? What kind of logic is that?

.

“Hey, Blueberry, do answer me this,” Kiseia says in a sweet tone, her eyes fluttering unnaturally. “How many people fit on a paddleboat?”

“Four, maybe five if they’re kids.”

“And how many are we?”

The camera pans out. Indeed, the footage shows a yellow paddleboat with the entire family squeezing in. Ran is on the verge of asphyxiation with how Eduan and Marco are squeezing him. Aguero and Maschenny are standing on top of, sliding from side to side, holding on for dear life, in fear of the boat turning. Only Hachuling and Kiseia are slightly comfortable, paddling fastly at the front. 

“Seven.” 

“Seven?” Aguero asks and his eyes widen “We dropped Maria!”

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MARIA: Maybe, just maybe, Kiseia was right. The beach is a terrible place.

.

“Ladies, gents and non-binary folks, don’t be alert about the sudden change of temperature,” Eduan shouts at a group of people swimming, his hand gripping on Maschenny’s shoulder so he won’t lose his balance, “I’m afraid I can’t control the hotness.”

“Oh? I thought it was because you can’t control your bladder.”

“HACHULING I SWEAR TO GOD YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE ABORT–”

.

“Chicken in water? What are we? Five?”

“Well, you’re five inches.” Maschenny shot back and patted Ran’s head. 

“Can’t believe you’re getting competitive over something like this,” Aguero mumbled just as Ran agreed to the game and declared Maschenny the future loser “every day I wake up and fear for the day you will fully become another Maschenny.”

“AA, shut the [beep] up and let's go drown them.”

“And it happened.”

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MASCHENNY: Haters say I’m competitive.

MARIA: Haters being us. And her mum. And her ex step-dad. And her teachers. And everyone who has ever met her.

.

(An old video, courtesy of Khun  Eduan, is shown. Eduan, clearly younger, is filming one of his wives—Ana—playing with a kid. Although his hair is slightly lighter, one can identify him as Marco. He’s building a very mundane sandcastle.

“Excellent job, Marco!” she says and ruffles his hair “Such a pretty sandcastle!”

“Mine is better!” another voice is heard. Four-year-old Maschenny is sitting nearby an, objectively, better sandcastle. However, what shocks—in a bad way—both Eduan and Ana is the trench of sand Maschenny has dug which is so deep that you can barely see Hachuling’s hair. “It has crocodiles too!”

The couple looks alarmed. Ana tries to smile, only slightly alarmed, when suddenly her eyes widen. “Plural?” —Eduan gasps as the camera falls and they both ran towards the trench— “Maria!”)

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MASCHENNY: You almost drown your sister one time and suddenly everyone’s calling you competitive.

.

Despite Maschenny being slightly taller, and definitely more muscled, than Hachuling she ends up being on top simply because she wanted to be the one to drown—push—Ran. Meanwhile, Ran sat on Aguero’s shoulders, determination was written on his face.

“Don’t use too much violence.”

“Don’t you mean ‘no violence’?”

“I’m not Maria, violence is needed for winning,” Aguero told Hachuling with a smile. “Don’t worry, I won’t aim for your face.”

“Quit chatting,” Maschenny yelled “Play ball.”

“Hey, is that Yuri?”

“Huh? Wher—” before either Maschenny or Hachuling could fully turn, they found themselves falling.

“You homophobic little [beep]!”

.

“I want to have his babies!”

“112? I just saw a man so beautiful, I started crying.”

“Is he single? Wait, I don’t care. I’m becoming a homewrecker even if he isn’t. Or maybe we can share him. He has two hands after all–”

“Why is everybody losing their minds?” Maria asked Hachuling as they approached the horde of people. They were all slightly shoving each other, trying to catch a glimpse of what was going on.

“Excuse me, sir, what is happening there?”

“Ah, a volley match.” The guy tells them. He leans towards them “One of the players is very handsome. Almost like a Greek god.”

“His hair is the bluest of blues! We should rename the colour!”

“Oh no,” Maria mumbled with a groan. 

Hachuling sighed. “Damn it, dad.”

“Oi! What did I do?” The siblings turn around and see Eduan eating a popsicle approaching them. They’re both left dumbfounded at the sight and decide to move closer to where the volleyball match is happening. 

“What the ever-loving—”

“Marco!”

Marco grabs the ball and requests a time-out. “Everything alright?”

“What are you doing?”

“Oh! These guys,” —he points at three tall men— “needed one more person for the match.”

“You suck at volley,” Hachuling stated. Maria shuddered at the war flashbacks.

“Yes, I told them. And show them. But they were nice about it and told me to simply have fun.”

“My son,” Eduan suddenly blurted out teary-eyed while placing his hand on Marco’s shoulder “I have never been prouder.”

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KISEIA: Everyone, and that includes me, are always super surprised about Marco being considered hot by the majority of people. Honestly, I can’t see it. But then again, an alarming amount of people have a teacher kink.

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MASCHENNY: Back when we first started actually hanging out with Yuri, she told me that she thought Marco looked pretty with long hair. (she smiles) A shame they got mysteriously cut off the next day.

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MARCO: My long hair era? (he pauses) It’s a funny story now that I think about it. Maschenny bought this new hairdryer that ended up not working out for her so she gave it to me. Unfortunately, I must have held it wrong, and a part of my hair was stuck inside. Had to cut them off. Then I suppose I realized how long it took me to grow them out and take care of them that I just left it short.

.

“I got stung by a jellyfish.”

“I would normally feel bad for you,” Kiseia told Maria as she put her book down to hand her sister the vinegar. “But you wanted to come to the beach, so pay for your poor choices.”

“Today is absolutely not my day.”

“Your back is burned.”

“But at least,” Maria continued ignoring her “you’re having fun.”

“I’m not having fun, I’m just existing. Although misery does brighten up my day.”

Maria smiled, mischief in her eyes. “Do you want to send Maschenny and Aguero in a panic mode?”

“I’m listening.”

.

“Marco.”

“Hm?”

“Why are you surrounded by seashells?”

“Oh! Some girls gave them to me.”

Kiseia sighed. “For [beep]’s sake”

.

“Winner takes all?” Ran tells Maschenny after their sixth round of Chicken in Water. His sister nods with the seriousness of someone making a business deal rather than discussing a game. Hachuling rubs his shoulders, too tired of holding Maschenny for so long. On the other hand, Aguero—ever the monster—seems willing to repeat the game for as long as necessary. Just before they could begin, Kiseia and Maria started swimming towards them.

“We’re playing too.”

“That seems unfair–”

“Do it, I’ll obliterate Ran and you.”

“This is why mum doesn’t love you.”

“Aha, wonderful, Kiseia climb up,” Maria instructed. Kiseia easily sat on her shoulders equally determined. Aguero whistled for them to begin.

“Is that Yuri?”

“Tough luck, Maria, AA already tried that.”

“No, she’s right.” Hachuling suddenly blurted out. He squinted his eyes. “And Endorsi? And tha–” he paused trying to make out the people “oh Bam’s there too!”

“What?” Aguero squealed getting on his tiptoes. Truly, talking to Marco and the two cameramen stood Yuri, Endorsi, Hwa Ryun and Bam. “Ran,”

As Ran nodded and muttered a ‘got it, boss’ before launching against Maschenny, one thing became clear; ‘Ran’ in the brothers’ language meant ‘I’m not losing while Bam is here’. Maschenny yelped as she fell once again but not before she could grab Ran’s forearm dragging him down with her.

“You were absolutely right, the beach is fun!”

.

“How come Anaak didn’t join you?” Maria asked Endorsi.

“She really hates the beach. If she came, she would just nag me about it.”

“A person of taste!”

“Kiseia!”

“What? I like the mayhem that’s happening but the beach itself remains boring.”

“She has a point.” Hwa Ryun says making both Khuns turn to look at her. Kiseia smiles approvingly while Maria looks at her with confusion.

“We haven’t met, right?”

“Hwa Ryun is Bam’s cousin, works at the cafe.” Endorsi provides before the redhead can speak.

“I’ve also met your bibliophilic brothers.” She says and points to where Hachuling and Marco are playing frisbee. 

“Marco I get.”

“It was fanfiction.”

“You must have some pretty good blackmailing material,” Kiseia told her, fully turning towards her, abandoning Endorsi and Maria. She flashed a smile that reeked of trouble. “please share everything.”

“Buy me coffee first, heiress, and I might consider it.”

“The beach was a mistake, En. A big mistake.”

.

Marco is living his life. He plays beach games, drinks smoothies, reads a short self-care guide, swims and chats with people. All painfully mundane things to do at the beach. Still, every time there is a shot of him, it just so happens music is heard as if people purposely want these tunes to accompany the older Khun. It’s alarming how it’s always different people.

The song choices include but are not limited to; I’m Too Sexy, Bananza, It’s Raining Men, Butterfly and more. There are at least two greek culprits as two of the songs that play, one when Marco joins Lero-Ro and Quant for a UNO game (Madame) and the other when he dives from the on-sea waterslide (Seventh Sky), are greek. 

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MASCHENNY: Who is the smartest of my siblings? I mean, I’d probably say Marco but he’s oblivious as [beep] so maybe AA?

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HACHULING: Definitely Aguero. He’s a manipulator.

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MARIA: Do not tell the others, but AA for sure.

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MARCO: Academically speaking? Me. Street smart wise? Maschenny. Would make a great politician? Aguero.

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KISEIA: My annoying other half.

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RAN: Probably AA. Although—

.

Aguero is a smart guy. He knows that. His family know that. Everyone who meets him can easily tell. But even if he wasn’t that smart, it doesn’t take a genius to understand that jumping from this small cliff, when there are so many rocks below, is not a wise choice.

“I’m jumping.”

“Do not, you maniac,” Aguero says stepping in front of Bam. Because truly Aguero is smart but most importantly he has enough impulse control and survival instincts for two people.

“We always did it back home!”

“It wasn’t that high,” Aguero insisted “and remember that time you hurt your head?”

“That was different, I was pushed.”

Aguero scoffs. At least, Bam recognised Rachel had actually pushed him and did not trip. “You want to repeat the injury?”

“It’ll be fine, I’ve jumped from higher places.”

“When?”

“Remember that time in Italy when you got pneumonia?”

“I look away for one second and you jump to your death, of course.” Aguero mumbled, “Wait, Rak was also on that trip!”

“Yes. He jumped first.”

“I will sell him to the black–”and of course, Bam took advantage of Aguero’s monologue to jump from the cliff. Luckily, he resurfaced quickly, a bright grin on his face.

“I’m fine!”

“Good, I can kill you myself then!”

“Only if you jump!”

Aguero is a smart person but still, people—meaning Ran and himself—will find that he can be quite stupid when it comes to Bam. He jumps.

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EDUAN: I’ll be floating in the middle of the sea with Batman, the floatie, and I see a kid falling from the nearby cliff. Obviously, I know many kids like to jump from there but I still think it’s dangerous. I mean, what do these parents teach them? (there is a long silence) Imagine my surprise–

.

“Your constant harassment of the female gender disgusts me.”

“Shut up,” Maschenny said and flicked Ran’s forehead. “I’m just wondering what Yuri and Endorsi are talking about.”

“You’ll find out soon enough.”

“Huh?”

“Maschenny!” Yuri shouts at her “We need your help.”

“Cool, who do I fight?”

“A bug.”

“Say what.”

“There’s a bug on top of my phone.”

Maschenny, unlike Aguero, is a proud gay disaster and so she smiles widely and goes to slay the dragon terrorizing the princess. Ran raises both of his hands and cheers her on as Yuri and Endorsi watch for the sidelines. Still, since Maschenny was determined to become a knight in shining armour she should have figured that she would indeed have to fight a dragon.

The bug was pretty big, covering half of Yuri’s phone screen, and fuzzy. But worse of all—

“IT CAN FLY! ABORT! ABORT!”

.

“Has anyone seen Hachuling?”

“Yeah, he’s over there taking a nap.”

“Perfect,” 

“No, not perfect.” Maria continued “What are you planning?”

“I want to bury him.”

Maria sighs like a tired mum. To make things worse, Hwa Ryun takes off her sunglasses, suddenly interested in the conversation.

“Need help?”

“The more, the better!”

.

(A picture is uploaded on Khun Eduan’s Instagram profile. It shows him on top of his flamingo, drinking a cocktail, a wide grin on his face. The dilfiest of dilfs. Behind him though, a bunch of interesting things are happening. For one, Yuri, Maschenny, Endorsi, Ran and Aguero are cowering in fear at the sight of something not visible in the picture. What is shown, however, is Bam holding a slipper as if it was a sword. Nearby, Marco, Maria, Quant and Lero-Ro are playing UNO, ignoring the children fighting for their lives. To the other corner of the picture, one can see Khun Hachuling buried in the sand.

KING.J commented; Your children are dying in the back.

LIGHT-ED replied; This ain’t about them.)

Chapter Text

(Maria appears to have woken up only a few minutes ago. She tiptoes her way towards the kitchen until a bright light startles her. It’s coming from Eduan’s room along with a soft tune. Maria, carefully, and stupidly, approach only to see her dad passionately karaoke-ing to Womanizer by Britney Spears. There is no sound but the choreography is a big giveaway. He is using a small mirror as a microphone. 

Eduan turns around to twirl and sees her. He drops the mirror. It breaks. Without breaking eye contact, Maria closes the door softly. She should move out.)

.

Ran was pissed, to say the least. All he wanted was to drink some water and a random highschool-er had hit him with a basketball. Even if it was an accident, Ran thought you must be an awful player to have the ball land on the opposite side of the court. And now, to make things worse, he was forced to visit the nurse’s office, get an ice package that hadn’t been changed in over ten years and sit for at least an hour on a ranch bed.

However, as soon as he entered the nurse’s office, he was met with a surprise. 

“What the [beep] happened to your face?”

Kiseia lifted her gaze at the sound of her brother’s voice. Her nose was stuffed with cotton and her eye was bruised. “You should see the other guy.”

“You’re the only one in the room.”

“Ah,” she said with a Cheshire cat smile, “that’s cause he’s in hospital.”

Ran blinked. “Cool.” He made his way towards her and sat on the ranch. “Hey, if Dad gives you detention, can I have your laptop?” –Kiseia grabbed the excuse of a pillow behind her back and smacked Ran hard– “This is abuse!”

It was at this moment that the door opened and time froze. The pillow fell from Kiseia’s hand and all colour drained from her face whereas Ran immediately tensed. The camera never showed who it was.

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EDUAN: I hope everyone knows Maria is super superstitious and that they should judge her for it. 

MARIA: (scoffs, unamused) When the karma for the mirror you broke knocks on your door, do not come crying to me.

EDUAN: I have seven children. It really doesn’t get any worse than that.

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HACHULING: And yet, he has no [beep]

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“This is all Dad’s fault.”

“I agree.”

“I fail to see how this and that,” –Evan pointed at the incredibly short pants Maschenny was wearing–, “are connected.”

“They’re always connected,” Maschenny mumbled as she tried to fix her clothes. It was to no avail. They could probably work with the white button-up and the coat-turned-blazer but the pants couldn’t possibly be salvaged. 

“He is a bearer of bad luck,” Maria explained while scanning through the pile of backup clothes. “They’ve never mixed up the sizes before.”

“Yes but still mistak–good god, Maschenny, why are you so tall!” The girl only groaned in response, burying her face in her hands out of frustration. “That’s it, I’m having Endorsi replace you.”

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MASCHENNY: OUT OF THE QUESTION

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MARIA: Normally, being replaced wouldn’t be that much of a big deal. After all, it’s not like the agency doesn’t book us enough photoshoots. (she made a small pause and leaned towards the camera) However, today’s photoshoot is meant to promote [beep]. Oh. I can’t say the name. But people will see the pictures. They’ll know what I’m talking about. (another pause) Anywho, Maschenny, even though I know for a fact she doesn’t even know the source material, is set on doing the job. (she gives a small smile) I think she’s even set to have some pictures taken with Yuri.

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MASCHENNY: This has nothing to do with Yuri. I’m just a big fan of the movies. (QUANT: It’s a manga series) Yes, that’s what I said.

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The principal was saying something. Or maybe it was the other kid’s parents. Kiseia couldn’t really tell by the voices alone and yet she refused to look at them. Her eyes were focused on only one thing and the entirety of her body was slowly shutting down. Everything just burned.

“Ah. Maschenny’s kid.” The blonde woman Kiseia was staring at greeted Ran. Despite the sickly sweet tone she had used, her eyes barely acknowledged him. “I do hope you aren’t also here to shame your mother.”

Ran glanced at Kiseia, a hint of worry in his eyes. He then turned to the woman. “I got hit by accident.”

“Ah, well, you can’t control accidents, can you?” –she spared him a quick glance– “The principal will not suspend you thanks to all the grovelling I did. However, you’re to go home today.”

“Thank you, mother.”

Agnis smiles. Even that seems fake. “What is a mother’s job if not to clean up the messes her children have made.”

.

Marco knew that global warming was very real and dangerous. He knew that the extreme weather conditions were usually due to the greed humans had which led to the pollution of the environment. Still, 105.8 °F inside the office seemed too extreme. 

“Sir, I think–” In front of him was an enormous plastic pool filled with what seemed to be their ‘hard-working’ employees and, naturally, their boss. “What.”

“The thermostat broke,” Eduan explained. As if that explained anything.

“We have computers. And paperwork.”

“And?”

“How will we work?”

“Ah, you’re right,” Eduan said before taking a sip from his pink smoothie, “Everyone gets the day off!”

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MARCO: Patricide isn’t worth the jail time. Patricide isn’t worth the jail time. Patricide isn’t worth the jail time. Patricide isn’t worth the jail time. Patricide isn’t worth the jail time.

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“Hey don’t stand so close when holding your–” a big splash echoed– “phone.”

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MARCO: (holding a bowl of rice) Patricide is worth the jail time.

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(The screen goes black for mere seconds. Then a quick collage of every Khun kid, except Kiseia and Aguero, looking troubled is shown.)

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RAN: (opens his mouth to speak but quickly closes it)

MASCHENNY: Can we even comment on that? I’m a product of cheating, Ran is the last kid, it’s all a little biased. (she gave the camera her signature smile) What we think doesn’t matter.

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MARCO: Agnis is (he crosses his arms) a smart, self-made woman. Give credit where credit is due. (he seems to ponder his next words) I was mostly busy with the university where she married Dad so it’s not like I know her.

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MARIA: Is that what they said? (it’s the first time she is seen angry)

HACHULING: (puts a hand on her shoulder) They’re not wrong. Marco and Maschenny weren’t at the house all that much. We weren’t either. Our mum didn’t really like leaving us to Dad while he was married to Agnis.

MARIA: That’s because she’s a [beep]

HACHULING: Can. Can you edit this part?

.

Aguero stared at the paper. The paper stared right back. This continued for many minutes earning concerned looks from a number of patrons.

“What’s giving you so much trouble?” Bam’s voice brought him back to reality, making him almost spill his coffee. The boy seemed to enjoy the trouble he had caused, since he was a menace in disguise, and continued, “Is that a college application?”

“Curiosity killed the cat,” Aguero replied, closing his laptop. “This spark of confidence you’ve acquired does not suit you.”

“Too late to return me now, isn’t it?” he gave him a cheeky smile, “If you’re actually worried about getting into college, I will hit you.”

“You’re supposed to be a pacifist.”

“And you’re supposed to be smart.” Bam reasoned, “Your scores are amazing. You’re amazing. That place will be lucky to have you.”

Aguero flushed a bright red. Of course, Bam would say something like that. And of course, it was caught on HD. “I’m not sure I want to study in Tokyo.”

This time, it was Bam who looked startled. “But this is what you wanted since we met.”

Yes, this was all he used to talk about. This was the dream. No, dreams, his mother would say, are for driverless people. Aguero didn’t have dreams, he had plans he would see through. And this school was all but another one of his plans, the most well-crafted one, the one his mother had sacrificed the most for, the one he had sacrificed everything for.

“You’re right. I don’t know what got to me.”

“What did you have in mind?”

“Nothing, it was just a whim.”

“You don’t do whims.” Bam reasoned with another million-dollar smile, “You always overthink things so I find it hard to believe you don’t have something on your mind.”

“I–”

“Viole, a little help in the back!” Hwa Ryun called.

“Coming!” –he leaned a bit closer to Aguero and reached out to squeeze his arm– “Khun Aguero Agnis, you may keep your secrets. For now.”

.

Kiseia can’t keep her secrets. She can change the truth, omit some crucial parts here and there, and avoid discussing things that do not concern her. But if it’s something important, something directly connecting to her, she can’t keep it hidden. She isn’t allowed to. At the moment, there was no secret to be kept; yet the dead silence made her feel like she ought to reveal something she didn’t know. Neither the driver nor her mother was speaking, the only sound between them coming from the street.

Agnis was gazing outside the window, hiding her face completely, while softly fixing the position of her watch. Kiseia had gotten taller during the two years she hadn’t seen her mother–she had almost reached her height–and yet at that moment, she felt like a child.

“I wonder,” Agnis mumbles, her eyes never leaving the window, “how can shaming your own mother bring you joy.”

“Of course, it doesn’t, ma'am,” Kiseia exclaimed a little too loudly. This would only make her mother angrier. She shifted her gaze to stare at her shoes. “I’m very sorry. It won’t happen again.”

“You didn’t seem sorry.” –she turned to look at her daughter– “Look at you raising your voice at me as if I’m your enemy.” she scoffed, “If you were truly sorry, you wouldn’t have the nerve to argue.”

“They told you what happened. I was defending myself.”

“And that’s why you’ve failed.” Agnis shot back, “Defend yourself? You should have made people respect you. Made them fear to cross you. Defence, as you say, is for the weak that struggle to be strong.” –Kiseia dug her nails in her palms– “How will you amount to anything when you’re already doing so horribly in the easiest part of your life?”

Kiseia didn’t answer, her gaze blank. Agnis sighed at the sight and reached to cup her cheek. “My sweet girl, how did I let you wither for so long,” she smiled sadly, “you don’t need to worry anymore, my little princess. I will undo all the damage your father caused.”

.

“Are we finishing soon? I’m tired.”

“Oh! You’re tired?” Yuri replied sarcastically, letting her head fall to Maschenny’s pillow. The camera zooms out and shows the two girls doing a photoshoot. Maschenny is lying inside what appears to be a glass coffin, like the one you would see in a Snow White remake, wearing the clothes from earlier. The actual photoshoot is made that way so no one will be able to see how short the pants actually are. Yuri is leaning towards her–like a prince ready to wake her with a kiss, or in this case a slap–wearing a black three-piece suit. “I can’t feel my right hand.”

“Weren’t you the one who insisted on doing this?” Maria questioned.

“Girls! Focus!”

.

“Okay now I will strike first giving you an opening and the–Blueberry, I beg you either deal with your phone or I’m throwing it off the window.” Garam, the unfortunate player 3 in their little game, threatened. Urek gave a short nod of agreement.

“If it’s a message, it’s not important!” Suddenly Hollaback Girl began playing at full volume startling everyone. As he mumbled some not-kid-friendly words, he grabbed his phone and placed it between his ear and shoulder. “Someone better be dying.”

“Yes. Me.” Urek complained before taking a hold of Hachuling’s own controller and moving his character. Hachuling grabbed the controller again with a frown before dropping both his device and phone.

“Dude!”

Hachuling scurried to pick up his phone. “This is not a good joke.” –there was some silence as all stages of grief seemed to pass him– “I’ll message Maria as well but Marco still has me blocked because of the bird facts scam.” more silence, “I can be home in ten minutes. Five if you have a lawyer on speed dial.”

.

“You know,” Maria’s voice can be heard as the camera follows Maschenny’s and Yuri’s photoshoot. “I was kind of nervous for today because of the broken mirror but everything went smoothly in the end.”

.

EDUAN: As I said, it’s just glass. The worst luck you can get is stepping on it.”

.

“Hey, where did I put my phone?”

“Evan!” a blonde woman yelled rushing into the set, “We lost Stan!”

Maschenny cleared her throat, a faint blush on her cheeks. “Um, you don’t have to hold my hand for this part.”

“Your hand?” Both girls looked to Maschenny’s left where a furry little thing had just managed to pull off her ring. Chaos and screaming ensued.

.

MASCHENNY: Why.

MARIA: Hate to say I was right but–

.

Much to Marco’s disappointment, Hachuling seemed to have just returned home as well. All hope for finally relaxing vanished into thin air. All because of the second man-child in the family who, if one were to judge by the clean cashmere sweater he wore and the levi–wait.

“Marco,” Eduan whispered, “am I tripping or is your brother dressed like you?”

“Decent. You’re looking for the word decent.” he turned to Hachuling, “Are you feeling sick? Are you going to jail?”

Hachuling who hadn’t noticed them up until they spoke, turned abruptly around and almost dropped the coffee mug he was holding. Even stranger, considering the fact that he never drank coffee. “Where are your phones?”

“Out of battery.” –he pointed at Marco– “And taking a swim.”

“Well, I’d join it, if I were you. We have a code Avogadro.”

Marco let out a small gasp, anxiety clearly shown on his face. Eduan had a similar, slightly more dramatic, reaction. Then, he cleared his throat and asked, “We have a what now.”

.

MARCO: During Dad’s wedding to Agnis, we weren’t visiting him all that much. Mostly because Maschenny and I were old enough to stay alone when our mothers’ were away. Hachuling and Maria though usually spent two weeks every month. (he scratched the back of his neck) It wasn’t very good. I mean, Agnis can be intense with her own kids. Imagine how she was with the ones from a previous wife.

MASCHENNY: Things were much better when all of us got together because it was a real zoo. You wouldn’t want to deal with six mini versions of your husband, right? Well. Some would but none of them is married to Eduan. (she laughed at her own joke) So, what would happen was that if both Marco and I were also visiting, Dad had this ‘unspoken rule’ that we shouldn’t interact with Agnis. Out of sight, out of mind, keeps a happy wife.

MARCO: So what happens is that I was helping Maschenny with Chemistry at some point and Hachuling (he emphasizes the name as to show that of course it would be Hachuling) overhears the Avocadro constant, mishears it as Avocado and then runs with it. Which results in him throwing literal tantrums about ‘learning the cool math’. Both his mum and dad do not question this, for different reasons, and then boom we have to teach Hachuling the theory as well. But surprise surprise when you teach a kid something ‘hard’ and ‘different’ –

MASCHENNY: The other kids want to join as well.

MARCO: Ever since then we’d say we need to study the Avogadro theory just to hang out and ‘protect’ each other from nagging wives, creepy boyfriends and the occasionally overly sexual in-betweens. (he stops) By that I mean the bdsm partners that wore plague masks and never showed their faces to us.

.

“I thought I heard some commotion.” Agnis came in view before another word was breathed. Kiseia trailed off behind her without a word and moved to the coffee maker. Hachuling, who was carefully standing behind the older woman, nudged his sister’s shoulder showing her an already-prepared cup.

“Agnis.” Eduan told her nonchalantly, “You’re in my house.”

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” she smiled sweetly as Kiseia handed her the cup from before. Maintaining the same expression, she sat at a chair across from her ex-husband with her hands crossed. A viper ready to strike. “Do not look so tense, my love, I will only be staying here for three days or so.”

“And the reason you didn’t choose a hotel?”

She looked at the camera. “Damage control.” –she took a sip from her drink– “Besides, there was a good chance I would need to be more persuasive.”

“Persuasive about what?” This time it was Hachuling who spoke.

Another sip. “To get Kiseia to come back with us.”

.

(Conversation in the app Messenger.)

To SpiralAbyss69: ria. ri. mary. maria. mARIA. pick up your phone pick up your phone

To SpiralAbyss69: I HOPE UR DEAD 

To SpiralAbyss69: its important!

To B(r)other: [a blurry picture of Yuri is shown]

To B(r)other: [another picture of something brown is shown]

To B(r)other: [a racoon taking a selfie]

Chapter Text

(The camera is shaking. The footage is obviously not taken from the same device it usually is, but rather a phone with a poor camera. The place it shows is darker than a Marvel movie, but if someone focuses enough and tilts their own screen, they'll see a painting of six dogs playing poker. After some more shuffling, Quant's dark face comes into view.

"We're job hunting!" he exclaims with unbefitting joy, "Either that or we're starting our own YouTube series!"

"If we get fired, we won't have a budget for a YouTube series," comes Lero-Ro's reply.

"Bye bye Burger & Fries unsolved." he turns his phone so the screen will also capture his partner on the couch, scrolling on the computer with a serious face. "If you like our work, consider giving us a donation! We're facing a lawsuit!" he paused, "Well, we will be facing a lawsuit."

Lero-Ro pinches the bridge of his nose. "This isn't even our fault! She should target Jahad instead of us, minimum wage workers!")

.

QUANT: I solved half of our problem (he takes out his phone and shows a small clip of the previous episode. Only instead of Agnis, we see Chiitan, the beloved mascot), though the woman herself did not find it amusing.

.

Quant is shown begging on his knees in front of Agnis. Lero-Ro maintains a more neutral pose, though he seems just as anxious. Quant goes as far as to start pulling his partner's shirt so they'd both be grovelling at Agnis' feet. The woman stared at them with no hint of emotion. Though since the footage shows the real her and not Hatsune Miku (Quant's second idea), it seems they convinced her to let them use her face on TV.

.

Maria is shown holding a bag of peanuts, dressed in an overly sized fur coat and a white ushanka. She looks miserable as she shakes the bag, letting some peanuts drop to the ground. Endorsi comes running towards her, almost knocking her out. Seeing how her own photoshoot involves Stan, she's out of costume.

"He was in Elaine's dressing room." Endorsi lets her know with a frown, "Emphasis on was."

"I thought we locked all rooms for that exact reason!"

"We did. He used the vent."

.

MARIA: Go do the promotion, they said. The fans will love it, they said. (she blinks rapidly) YOU'LL BE PLAYING AMONG US WITH A RACCOON THEY DIDN'T SAY

.

Back in the Khun residence, Eduan and Agnis are sitting across one another in the kitchen. They're as far as can be. Eduan is laid back on the chair, holding onto a bottle of wine as if it's his lifeline, and stares at his ex-wife. It's obvious he hadn't expected her to visit. Agnis, on the other hand, seems to enjoy the attention her arrival has brought. She brings the cup of tea Hachuling had made her to her lips and takes a small sip.

"Did you know Aguero has gotten a full scholarship for next year? In Tokyo?" It's the first time we hear something close to happiness in her voice. "A mind like his, they said, is hard to find, but I beg to differ." She puts down the cup and leans closer to the table. "he isn't just smart. He's disciplined. Luck may have given him an advantage with the way his brain works, but I made sure to pave the way. God knows there are enough smart people out there who are failures."

Eduan snorts. "I'd say he got his smarts from me."

"I'm sure," she smiled, "Ana's children in particular are quite special."

That gets a reaction. Eduan's eye twitches. "Everyone managed just fine."

"And that's your answer. They managed just fine."

Eduan pours himself some wine. For a moment, he entertains the thought of drinking straight from the bottle. "Is there a point to your entire prologue?"

"Quite a few. For starters, your little reality show."

"Thinking of starting your acting career in your old age?"

Agnis gave him a tight smile, "I don't want Aguero involved in such a cheap spectacle."

"He has no problem with it."

"He's a child. He doesn't know any better." She lets out a sigh as if the conversation has caused her the worst headache in the world. "You didn't get my consent for either him or Kiseia."

"They had mine!"

"That's not how the court will see it."

Eduan slams his hand on the table. Agnis doesn't flinch. "If you want more money, grow a spine and be clear about it!"

She laughs, "I assure you your money means nothing to me."

"Weird how you've taken more than all my other exes combined!"

Agnis stares at him. There's a buried anger underneath it. "Aguero will be returning home with me as per our first agreement." Eduan opens his mouth to speak, but she silences him, "and Kiseia will be joining him before you corrupt her any further." —Eduan laughs like a madman. "My daughter will not be a delinquent."

"I assure you no one is watching Kiseia and thinking she's some sort of juvenile causing trouble!"

"I'm sorry, is punching someone not trouble enough for you?"

.

MASCHENNY: Delinquent? (she laughs) Yeah no. Kiseia might look like the type to carry around a knife, but she's pretty tame. (she slaps her knee) Know who did have a rebellious phase, though?

.

A billboard with Eduan's face is shown. There is a moustache and horns on his face. Underneath is a young boy, about fifteen years old, with pink hair sticking his tongue out and doing the bird sign.

Then another picture appears. This time it's a mugshot with the same kid.

.

MARCO: (rubs soothing circles on his forehead) It was a birthday party

(We see the non-cropped version of the mugshot. The full plaque reads 'guilty of eating too much cake' and right next to him stands Maschenny dressed as a police officer.)

LERO-RO: (from behind the camera) And the graffiti?

MARCO: Ah, no, this was real

.

"—tickles! Yuri, move!"

"I think it's too small."

"It's not!"

"You're not the one who will be going in!"

Maria stands in front of the closed door. The sign says dressroom, and there's a small sticker note underneath with Yuri's name on it. Not that it's surprising. This had been Yuri's voice after all. Maria knows she shouldn't eavesdrop—especially while on a raccoon hunt—but she can't help herself.

"Give me the syrup!" This was unmistakably Maschenny's voice.

"What for?"

"I'll put it on my fingers."

"Won't it slip that way?"

"Trust me, I've seen a video!"

.

MARIA: Am I happy for Masch? Of course. Am I annoyed they're fooling around while I've been looking for a hairy devil for two hours? Maybe. Do I wish to wash my ears, eyes and brain with bleach? Most certainly.

.

"One, two, three." With a deep breath, she opened the door, ready to see things that would haunt her forever. Instead, what she found was Maschenny holding Stan and trying to guide him to the cage Yuri was holding. They all blink at each other. Including the raccoon.

And then—

Stan bolts outside.

.

Aguero glances at his watch. None of his siblings have bothered him ever since he got in the cafe. It's very suspicious. Then again, he's most likely everyone's emergency contact, so at least no one is in the hospital. He purses his lips and looks around. The cafe isn't that crowded, giving Bam the chance to both come join him for a few minutes or so and take care of the customers. At the moment, he had just returned from the kitchen with a tray in hand and Hwaryun in tow.

There was a certain kind of captiveness in Bam's smile. It was almost intoxicating. He tried to replicate it in his notebook, but art was never one of his talents. Hwaryun said something and Bam turned to look at him, beaming. As the other boy rushed towards him, a napkin in hand, Aguero closed his notebook shut.

"Here!" Bam said and handed him a cookie wrapped with the napkin, "New recipe."

"Ah, am I a test subject then?"

"You never stopped."

Aguero smiled back, taking a big bite from what appeared to be a chocolate chip cookie.

"So?"

"It's a cookie."

Bam chuckled, "I noticed."

"It's very round."

"Cookies usually are," he pressed on, "But do you like it?"

Aguero stared at the cookie. Then back at Bam. It physically hurt to smile with the sourness still stinging his tongue. "It's an experience for sure!"

Bam raised an eyebrow and cut a piece of the cookie. As soon as it entered his mouth, he gagged. "This is horrible!"

"It's an acquired taste!"

Bam shook his head, "I think I mixed salt with sugar."

"That's also possible." he paused, "And not the first time you've done so."

"I'm making you the most sugary drink I'll find. At least ten different syrups."

"Buying my silence, I see."

Bam only winked in response.

.

Maschenny opens the door to the kitchen. The fact that it was closed should have been the first clue that something was wrong. Maria, unaware of what her sister had seen, kept walking forward, bumping into Maschenny's still form.

"Ah, the girls." Agnis greets them. Eduan doesn't bother to look at them, focused on his almost empty bottle of wine. "Maria, what a beauty you've become. No wonder your career is taking off," she glanced at Maschenny. "It's been too long since a young face appeared in the Princesses."

"Miss Agnis," Maschenny said with a neutral smile, "we weren't expecting you."

"I hardly need an invitation to visit my children," the woman smiled back. "Do give my regards to your mothers."

Once she was out of the door, Maschenny walked over to Eduan and grabbed his bottle, placing it on the sink. Her father looked unbothered, probably already buzzed. Meanwhile, Maria was pacing back and forth, fuming.

"Why is she here?"

"Why is she ever?" he pushed his chair a little further back. "She loves to cause me trouble."

"I want her gone." Maria cut in. "If Kiseia or Aguero want to see her, they can do so somewhere else."

"I don't want to complicate things."

Maschenny sighed and stepped back. She grabbed Maria's arm and guided her outside the kitchen before giving her a fatherly glare and a warning, "Figure it out."

.

HACHULING: Maria's relationship with Agnis is (he seemed to think it over) not good. Seeing as we were the last kids before she came along, there was a very strong resentment. It didn't help that our mother treated Aguero and Kiseia like, you know, children instead of whatever [beep] Agnis did.

.

MASCHENNY: There is no reason to talk about Miss Agnis.

(QUANT, from behind the camera: But the drama!)

MASCHENNY: Ah, yes, the drama. (she bends down and pulls off her shoe)

(QUANT: NOT THE CAMERA NOT THE CAME—)

MASCHENNY: (throws the shoe)

.

Marco buries his face in his hands. He feels so tired. Kiseia and Hachuling are on the couch next to him with the first one sobbing into a pillow. It's an ugly sight that tugs his heartstrings. He should do something. He needs to do something. But his mind has stopped working.

"Hey!" Maria's voice takes him out of the trance. He hadn't noticed her or Maschenny returning. Maria runs to Kiseia's side and lifts her head. She whispers something—Marco can't quite hear—and it reminds him of the way his mother would gush when she saw him crying.

Maschenny stares at the exchange. She seems troubled. Marco jumps to his feet and walks up to her. "Agnis came."

"We saw." She clenched her jaw. "Did she tell Kiseia anything?"

Marco glances at Maria. Kiseia's sobs have turned into coughing fits. "She wants Kiseia and Aguero to return with her."

Maschenny stares at him in disbelief. Soon, it's replaced by fury. She goes to the couch and shakes Kiseia's legs until their younger sister stops crying and looks at her. From where he's standing, it's impossible to see Maschenny's exact expression, but he sees Kiseia's.

"Listen to me," Maschenny tells her and drops to her knees, "you won't go anywhere with that woman."

Kiseia shakes her head, "She has decided!"

"And we've decided she's full of it." She squeezes her hand, "Leave it to us, okay?"

"Yeah! Dream team is on the job!" Hachuling says as he shakes Kiseia's shoulders. The rest of them look at him with judgment.

.

HACHULING: AM I NOT PART OF THE DREAM TEAM?

MARCO: There is no dream team.

HACHULING: FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB—

.

MASCHENNY: Dealing with Agnis is similar to a war. First, we need to try negotiating.

MARIA: All while we've sent the women and children away.

MASCHENNY: (she points at the camera) Some of you may die, but it's a risk we're willing to take.

.

There's blurry footage of Aguero sitting at the cafe. The camera suddenly zooms in a little too much as if whoever is holding it has run towards him. Some force is picking him up. If you pause the video enough times, you get the full picture; two people have picked up Aguero like a stray kitten and kidnapped him. Both his computer and notebook are left behind.

From the counter, Bam blinks.

.

"Why is Ran's head in a bag?" Aguero asks. He is sitting between Ran and Quant. At the front seat of the car are Kiseia—who should not be driving—and Hachuling. "This is Ran, right?"

Garbage-bag-head pulls out his head. It's indeed Ran. "I didn't want anyone to know I know them."

"Didn't Maschenny kidnap your class?"

"Yes, but that's Maschenny. That's Hachuling!"

Hachuling turns to face them with a scowl, "Is this National Bullying Your Favourite Brother Day?"

"I need to pee." Quant blurts out.

"We went back to the school."

"It's the stress!"

"What's stressing you?"

On cue, Kiseia turned the wheel all too fast, almost hitting the curve of the pavement in order to avoid another car. A parked car. A legally parked car. "Her!"

"Okay, okay, let's find some bushes—"

"This is the highway,y not the small house in a prairie!" Kiseia yelled in between honkings, "Move it, grandma!"

"That's disgusting! We're going to a bathroom!"

"I don't care where I go, I just need to go!"

"Let's just turn back to the cafe!"

"Everybody shut up or I'm turning this car around!"

Everybody stopped talking. Then, Aguero raised his hand. "I think that's kinda the point."

Kiseia fixed her mirror so she could look at him directly in the eyes. "No. I mean I'm turning this car around. On the oncoming traffic."

.

RAN: I've seen God (he stares at the void), and He too is afraid of Kiseia's driving.

.

KISEIA: I'm a good driver, actually. You can ask my driving instructor.

(A picture is shown with Kiseia and a man in front of a car, smiling. The phrase 'best student of the decade' is written on it. Whether it's actually the instructor's writing or not is anybody's guess.)

KISEIA: I just don't want my family to know I can drive well.

(LERO-RO, behind the camera: Why?)

KISEIA: So I can continue to be a passenger princess (she yawns). Also, I like stressing them out

.

Maria, Maschenny and Marco are sitting at the first one's room. Maria is sitting on top of her dressing table, scribbling like crazy. Maschenny sits on a yoga ball at the edge of the room doing circles as she stares at the ceiling. Lastly, Marco is buried underneath a pile of stuffed animals with only his head and hands peeking out. He's holding a stripped notebook and a pink glittery pen.

"Ideas so far?"

Maschenny stops her circling and frowns, "I know some sketchy people, but I don't know if they're that sketchy."

"I thought we could beg," Maria lifted her legs towards Marco. "You?"

"Moving to the Balkans."

"So, brainstorming again in five?"

.

In the other side of the town, the remaining Khuns were faring much better. The family had visited a spa. Aguero and Hachuling were lying on some comfy chairs with face-masks and cucumber slices on their eyes while Kiseia was getting massaged. Even Ran was having a good time getting a fish pedicure.

"I'm not one to look a horse at its mouth, but is there a reason you're treating us to all these?"

Hachuling took off one of the cucumber slices and smiled at Aguero, "I'm not. It's the company's credit card."

"Ah. Carry on then."

"I'm getting kinda hungry," Ran said and tapped on Aguero's shoulder. His brother sighed and handed him one of the cucumber slices. "Hey, is Quant alive?"

(The camera zooms out to where Quant is having a mud bath. There's a wistful look on his face.)

.

Maria stands in front of the projector. The first slide of a PowerPoint is shown with a curtain effect. It's agonising slow. The title reads 'Why You Should Leave Your Children Alone You Ornery Old [redacted]'. She moves on to the next slide. There is a stock picture of kids laughing. Reason number one, it reads, your children are happy here. Then, the slide 'crumbles' and gets turned into a paper plane, leading to the second slide. This time it's some kind of hamster with a bow and the phrase 'I'm just a girl standing in front of an evil stepmother asking her to go [redacted]'. That slide shatters into a million pieces and gets replaced by a yellow monstrosity. In the middle of which is a very bad photoshopped picture of Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure with Agnis' face on top of Sharpay and the badly chopped faces of Kiseia and Aguero on her bag and dog, respectively.

"I'm not sure I get it," Maschenny says as she points at Maria's magnum opus.

"Reason three," the other girl emphasised, "your children are not accessories you can just take back whenever you want."

"Well, Agnis is the kind of person that would be charmed by Office applications."

.

"Give me the card, I'll go and pay."

"What? But it's still early!"

"We've been here for three hours." Without leaving any room for argument, Aguero took Hachuling's card and began walking towards the reception. Immediately, Ran and Hachuling were on their feet.

"Maschenny says they haven't talked with Agnis yet."

Panicked, Hachuling looked around trying to find something that would slow them down. On cue, Kiseia returned from the bathroom having replaced her massage towel with her normal clothes.

.

HACHULING: Never say I don't do [bleep] for this family.

.

With no time to think, Hachuling tackles her, sending both of them into the pool. The camera zooms in to Aguero's shock-stricken face.

.

KISEIA: (shivering) It's the pool for the ice spa.

.

"Family-centred intervention is the future." Marco clicks on the computer and shows his sisters his Excel. "I've done a review paper based on thirty-two different RCTs made in the last decade."

Maria raised her hand. "May I offer a suggestion?"

"I haven't started explaining yet, but sure."

"Can you add a Subway Surfer gameplay next to it?"

.

MASCHENNY: (pats Maria's back) It didn't help.

.

They stand in front of a clothing store. For copyright purposes, the name is blurred, though the blue logo is familiar. All seems normal. Aguero is tired and uses Ran's head as a cane. Ran, himself, seems annoyed but doesn't say anything. No, the real problem lies with Hachuling and Kiseia. Kiseia in particular is wearing a bathrobe that says 'maid of honour' and looks one word away from murder.

And Hachuling well—

Seeing how his bathrobe is filled with pieces of white lace and flowers, he doesn't even have to turn around for someone to guess what is written in the back.

"I know the spa didn't have anything else to offer, but did we really have to go to the mall and buy you two new clothes?"

"I needed a wardrobe change!" Hachuling tried to defend himself, "This was a sign from the universe."

Aguero looked over at Kiseia. She shrugged. "It's the universe."

.

Eduan is in his private bathroom enjoying a hot tub. He's wearing noise cancellation headphones and sinks down until the water reaches his upper lip. After all the stress of the day, all he needs is some peace and quiet.

.

MASCHENNY: After some more brainstorming, which in all honesty was more of clear brain-sky, we realised there's only one way to fight Agnis.

MARIA: Legally speaking.

MARCO: (starts nodding but then stops abruptly) For legal reasons, she's joking.

.

Three sets of feet appear in the bathroom. It's too foggy to see them clearly, but it's obvious one of them almost tripped on a hairdryer left on the floor. The camera turns back to Eduan, whose eyes are closed. As if sensing danger, he opens them. Then, he screams.

The noise freaks Maria out, who loses her hold on the hairdryer, sending it flying towards Eduan. Luckily, Maschenny catches it seconds before it hits the water.

"We have seven more bathrooms!"

The children ignore him. Maschenny sits at the edge of the tub and turns on the bubbles to the highest speed. "We need to talk."

"Couldn't it be done outside?"

"This is the only place where Agnis would never go."

"Rude."

Maschenny clicks her fingers and Marco unwraps some kind of banner. Eduan squints at it. "Congrats, it's a boy?"

Marco points at the corner where they have crossed out the word boy and written 'intervention'. Sadly, because it's still too foggy, it's hard to make it out.

"You see Dad, it's true that you are an inadequate father, a plague upon humankind, a walking health crisis and a manchild."

Eduan waits. Maschenny stares at him.

"But?"

"There is no but. You're a lost cause." —Marco and Maria nod— "However, you're also the younglings' legal guardian, so we need you to man up and fight for your children."

Eduan sighs. He reaches for the hairdryer, but Maschenny pulls it away from his grasp. "Have you kids thought that, despite all her flaws, Sol does care about her children?"

"No. Not really."

"Seems impossible."

"Maybe?" Marco received a glare in response.

"I assure you she's doing everything she can to ensure your siblings' future." he looked almost apologetic. "I don't know if that's what they need or not, but she has rarely been wrong before. And Aguero did just fine before coming here."

"And Kiseia does just fine here," Maria shot back. "What about her? She can't just take her away out of the blue."

"Maybe it will be for the best." None of them seemed convinced. Not even Eduan.

"And why does she get to decide that?"

"Well, you did say I'm inadequate."

Maschenny sighed but did not take back her words. "And if they don't want to leave?"

Eduan doesn't answer her.

.

The intro to HOT-TO-GO plays as the camera zooms in different parts of the store. There are some shaky clips of Ran and Kiseia trying on different accessories ranging from oversized glasses to bucket hats. Aguero can be seen in the background regretting every moment that brought him there.

As soon as the chorus hits, the curtain of a dressing room opens and Hachuling steps out. He's wearing an oversized baby pink furcoat and leopard print tights, strutting along the hallways.

The camera cuts to another outfit of his. This time it's a fishnet tank top and a long black skirt paired with combat boots. He sends a flirtatious wink towards the security guard.

Next outfit involves a neon green romper and a red cowboy hat. He also takes the store's laundry hamper and uses it as a prop. The wind (the working airfan) is in his hair and all worries away from his mind as he rides his stead (the hamper) into the sunset (the sales section) handsfree. That is until Ran steps in the way.

"Aguero took the car keys and left."

"Why didn't you stop him?"

"I thought this was funnier." He patted his back, "Kiseia did go with him."

"What? But Kiseia knows we can't return home yet!"

"Yeah, but after seeing your slow-dance with the mannequin, she gave up."

.

Kiseia and Aguero stand outside their house. It's Kiseia who stops walking at first, making her brother stop as well, as if sensing she's not following. He turns around and waits for her to say something,g but all she does is try to pull her sleeves further down. "Everything okay?"

"Yeah," it comes out softer than she intended, "AA—"

There's a loud honk. Both of them turn around and see Hwaryun honking at them from across the street. Bam has almost climbed outside the car window, waving Aguero's notebook at them.

"Ah, he brought them," Aguero mumbled to himself. There was a faint blush on his cheeks. "Give me a minute, I'll be back."

Kiseia watches him run up to the car, greeting Hwaryun and then turning to Bam with a disappointed look. She can't hear them, but judging by Bam's unapologetic smile, Aguero seems to tell him off for coming all this way to bring him his stuff. Hwaryun looks like she's gotten used to this little back and forth by the way she relaxes against the steering wheel, knowing full well they won't be done any time soon. She gives Kiseia a small wave.

"You're back." —She turns and finds her mother leaning against the door— "I tried texting you."

"My phone died."

Her mother didn't seem convinced. "I understand this upcoming change is difficult for you—"

"Your decision, you mean."

Agnis clicked her tongue. "If blaming me makes you feel better."

"You know what? It does." She took a few steps closer. "I hope you know I'll be miserable. And for what? To save me? From what? Why now? You've never cared before."

"Of course, I have. All I've done for you is care."

Kiseia laughed. "When? You didn't care when I had a fever. You didn't care when I performed at school plays. You didn't care until the cameras showed up."

Agnis' lip twitched. She grabbed Kiseia's hand. "You dare imply that I do this for clout?"

Kiseia pulled her hand away. "Wouldn't be the first time."

"Mother?"

The two women froze on their spots. At the sight of her son, Agnis' smile returned. "My little boy—"

"What are you doing here?"

"It's time we return home, don't you think?"

Aguero shook his head. "I'm not going back yet."

Agnis opens her mouth to argue, but something she sees makes her stop. The camera doesn't show what exactly it is, but there's no doubt there is something. Her entire demeanour changes, and she looks like a warrior who can see the imminent death approaching. Utterly defeated.

She sighs. "Okay."

.

KISEIA: (she looks around) I'm. I'm not sure what happened.

.

(A video with no sound shows Sol Agnis and Aguero talking by themselves. The woman looks much softer than what had been previously shown. At some point, Aguero seems almost tearful. She smiles and kisses his forehead. After a minute in silence, Kiseia also enters the room. While Agnis returns to her more serious persona, she still approaches her daughter and hugs her.)

.

At three in the morning, Eduan enters the guestroom like a man on a mission. Agnis blinks at him, folded shirts in her hands as she prepares her suitcase.

"You aren't taking my children, woman!"

"I'm not."

"I know you think I'm some kind of deadbeat dad, but that doesn't change the fact that both of these kids have a family that loves them—"

"I know."

"And I'm doing the best I can!" he stopped. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

"They're staying here." She says and throws the clothes in the suitcase, "Until Aguero goes to uni, that is. As for Kiseia, well, she hasn't figured it out well, but there's still time."

"So, you just changed your mind? Just like that?"

His ex-wife smiles. It terrifies him a little. "That's between a mother and her kids."

.

(Marco is shown having trouble sleeping. He finds himself in the living room, twisting and turning in every single one of the sofa's spots. After five minutes—the clip is shown in 2x speed—he accepts his fate and turns on the light. In front of him is a notebook. The audience has seen it before. Curious, Marco opens it and goes through the pages. He stops.

"What the [bleep]?" his chipmunk voice echoes from the video.)

.