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Chapter Text

Kakashi stared at the metal surface of the building. His reflection stared back at him. Spiky silver hair. A scar running over his left eye. Both eyes a dark grey, almost black. A navy blue mask covering the lower half of his face. A forehead protector with the word "Shinobi" engraved onto it.

It was all normal.

So why, pray tell, weren't his surroundings normal?!

He looked around himself. Buildings, many times taller than even the Hokage Tower, reached up to the sky. Metal things that were faster than a horse zoomed around everywhere. People, so many people, walked around, talking into little rectangles that glowed.

And the smell - oh gods, the smell. The choking smell of smoke, smog, and other harsh chemicals burned Kakashi's sensitive nose. He filtered the air in his nose with a clever application of chakra typically used to combat gaseous toxins. Given how terrible the stench was, he'd say it was worth it.

As he regarded his surroundings, he absently recalled what had just transpired. Kaguya had been being sealed away by Naruto and Sasuke when the dimension around them shuddered and cracked and Kakashi came into contact with something. He had desperately tried to Kamui away while the thing tried to pull him in when everything had gone black for a moment and Kakashi felt as if he was in the middle of a whirlpool that just wouldn't stop.

When the world finally stopped spinning, Kakashi found himself standing in the middle of the streets in a world that was so unlike his own.

It wasn't an illusion. Kakashi had already checked, releasing a good size of his reserves in the dispel technique.

What the hell happened?

The first task was to find out where exactly he was. He walked up to the nearest person: a young man with spiky black hair and glasses who was holding up a skateboard.

"Hello there," Kakashi greeted politely. "Do you know where we are?"

The man looked at him weirdly. "Yo dude, what's with the weird accent? Why're you talking like you're in some old-fashioned samurai movie?"

Kakashi took offense to that. He was a shinobi, not some honorable samurai. Outwardly, though, he merely eye-smiled. "Maa, I'm afraid I grew up in a rather old-fashioned family, so perhaps my speech patterns reflect that," he said, effortlessly spinning up a lie. "Nothing I can do about it, I'm afraid."

"Ohhh I understand, man. Yeah, that's tough. You sound pretty cool though, not gonna lie. That mask looks sick, too. Hey, so what was your question again?"

"Where are we?" Kakashi asked. "As in, what country are we in?"

The man looked at him weirdly again. "Dude. You okay there? We're in Japan."

Kakashi stared at him blankly. "I'm sorry?"

The man started looking worried. "Umm. . . you know, Japan? In Asia? The islands? Hey, you're not from a mental asylum are you?"

Kakashi could recognize the signs of panic in the man in front of him. He merely eye-smiled again. "Yes, of course I know Japan. It was a joke."

The man relaxed. "Ohhh. Yo, this is one of those social experiments, isn't it?"

Kakashi had no idea what a social experiment was. "It is. Thank you for your cooperation."

And he walked away without looking back, his mind racing as he processed the new information.

Japan? Asia? What were those?

He selected his new victim, a girl about his age. "Hello there. Would you happen to know how to get to Fire Country?"

She stared at him, unimpressed. "If this is another lame pick-up line, then I swear..."

Kakashi held up his hands innocently. "No, it's not. I'm asking you a genuine question here. I promise."

She considered him for a moment before relenting. "I don't know what Fire Country is."

She... didn't know what Fire Country was?

He eye-smiled at her. "Thank you for the information."

...What the hell happened to him?! Where the hell was he? He couldn't possibly be in one of the remote villages because the technology he saw around him were vastly superior to even the latest advancements in Konoha. Was he even in the Elemental Nations anymore?

And so he did what any self-respecting shinobi would do when in an unknown situation: he made his way to the nearest library and started to gather information.

XxX

Kakashi walked out three hours later in a daze.

He was on a planet called "Earth." Specifically, in a continent called "Asia." The country's name was "Japan." He was in Tokyo, the capital.

As far as he could tell, there wasn't any chakra in this world. He wasn't Naruto with his senjutsu-enhanced sensing capabilities, but he was good enough to tell that everyone around him had absolutely no chakra in their systems. They didn't even have a chakra network.

Shinobi had died out centuries ago, now nothing but folklore. And even in the old stories, this world's shinobi were nothing like him.

This primary role of the shinobi of this world was intelligence gathering. They rarely saw direct combat, preferring to run the hell away whenever possible.

In contrast, Kakashi had just exited a battle against a literal goddess.

Thankfully, it appeared that this world was relatively peaceful. Sure, there were definitely hostilities, especially in the Middle East region, but nothing near Japan.

Well, okay. That wasn't exactly true. While Japan may not be involved in any international conflict, it certainly had its own problems.

Namely, ghouls. Beings that looked like humans and acted like humans but weren't actually human. Monsters that devoured human flesh. The Commission of Counter Ghoul, the CCG, was tasked to exterminate the threat.

At any rate, Kakashi hummed as he considered his options. Did he possess any methods to return to his own dimension? His double Mangekyou Sharingans were already gone, Obito's residual chakra already having been depleted, though he still pulled down his headband over his left eye for nostalgia's sake. He didn't know any jutsu or seal that would help -

His eyes widened as a thought struck him. Theoretically... He briskly walked to the nearest alleyway, made sure that there was nobody nearby, then ran through a set of familiar hand seals.

Summoning Jutsu.

Nothing. Happened. No dogs showed up.

Kakashi sighed. Goddamnit. It appeared that he was in a different dimension that not even his dogs could reach.

For all intents and purposes, he was stuck here. He could try to throw something together with seals, but that would take time. In the meanwhile, he must survive in this new world. And to survive, he must get a job.

However, this world and his own had vast differences.

In this world, people went to school for about sixteen years. Kakashi could barely handle a single year with his classmates before he noped the hell out of there and graduated early. On top of that, the thing called a "college degree" seemed to be essential to get a good job, which required several more years of schooling.

Kakashi supposed he could also try to apply for the manual labor jobs, but even those required background checks and citizenship. Both of which he didn't have.

There was, however, one job he was certain he could get.

Ghoul investigator.

He could spin a lie about coming from a remote village or something. And once he demonstrated his physical abilities, they'd have no choice but to accept him. The CCG needed all the help they could get in combating ghouls, and they would be in no position to refuse recruiting someone as skilled as him. The job paid pretty well too.

And so, it was with that thought in mind that he walked toward the nearest CCG center.

XxX

Everything had been working out well enough.

He had introduced himself as Hatake Kakashi, someone looking for a job as an investigator. The receptionist looked slightly skeptical but still sent down an Investigator on the off chance that he was actually good.

The man who greeted him had been nice. When Kakashi promised him that he would be able to surpass every investigator in combat, the man had looked at him in surprise before breaking out in laughter and leading him inside the center towards the sparring arena.

Then when Kakashi walked through the metal rectangles, everything went to shit.

It started blaring. Loudly. Everyone around immediately mobilized into action, some running inside for cover, others running to cover the entrance.

The man he had been with lost all traces of friendliness, instead jumping back into the crowd of investigators that had rushed up to surround Kakashi, forming a wall. They were holding metal briefcases, something Kakashi recognized as their unique anti-ghoul weapon.

Kakashi blinked.

This wasn't good.

"Maa... I take it that that wasn't good?" Kakashi eye-smiled, trying to salvage the situation.

"Ghoul, I can't believe that you tried to infiltrate the CCG like that. How stupid can you be?" The man he was with said in a steely tone.

"But I'm not a ghoul! I don't know why that scanner went off, I promise! I'm human," Kakashi held up his hands in the universal gesture of surrender, his eyes wide with innocence. Typically, this carefully crafted and rehearsed expression was reserved for situations where he wasn't innocent, but this time, he actually was.

The investigators around him hesitated. What if the technology was wrong? And they were about to kill an innocent human?

"If you truly are a human," the man said, "Then cut yourself with this first."

He tossed a single pen over the wall of investigators. Kakashi caught it in one hand, looking down at it. It looked normal enough. Kakashi took off the cap. It was pretty sharp too.

Kakashi sighed. "Very well, then. If you insist."

And he stabbed down at his own hand with the pen, already bracing for the inevitable pain that would follow the piercing of his skin. He didn't even flinch. He had already stabbed himself too many times to get rid of genjutsu. He was used to the pain by now.

It didn't come. The pen tip shattered against his skin.

Kakashi looked at it in disbelief. Then he looked at the investigators around him who had taken up a stance again.

"...That wasn't supposed to happen."

"Kill him!" The man roared.

The men surged forward, their weapons glinting menacingly.

Kakashi sighed once more.

XxX

Kakashi strolled out of the CCG center with his hands in his pockets, a line of bodies collapsed behind him. All unconscious, of course. He didn't use any lethal strikes.

He frowned in befuddlement. Was he a ghoul? Had Kaguya made him into a ghoul or something? He had to test this. Walking into the nearest alleyway, he pulled out a kunai and stabbed down at his hand. It bounced off, the skin not showing any sign of damage.

Well then. That wasn't normal.

Think, what other characteristics do ghouls have? Immunity to damage from normal weapons, a kakugan, a kagune that extended from their body - and an inability to eat normal human food.

Of course.

Kakashi walked out of the alleyway again. He probably should've applied a henge, but after researching this world... Well, quite frankly, there weren't any threats to him.

He was faster than bullets. Grenades were nothing but technological explosive seals. They could theoretically drop a bomb on him, but there would be a lot of civilian casualties and likely a political outrage, so there wasn't any chance of that happening.

All in all, there wasn't really anything anyone could do to him.

He was a Kage-level shinobi in a land of civilians. An S-rank. A person - no, a monster who can fight against entire villages and walk out without a scratch.

And... well, it had been quite a while since he was able to mess with people. His genin had grown up, and he even had to stop his antics in Konoha because of the Akatsuki attack. Being able to screw around with people's minds again...

Kakashi smiled underneath his mask. This would be fun.

XxX

He pickpocketed several snobbishly rich people. Rich people who would push people out of the way, rich people that would walk past beggars without a second look, rich people who had bags upon bags of clothing that even they couldn't carry so they hired people that could.

Kakashi felt no remorse stealing from these types of people.

Hey, if he was going to be a thief, then he was going to be a thief with standards.

With the new currency in his pocket, yen, he walked into a restaurant. He quickly ordered his favorites: salt-broiled saury and miso soup with eggplant.

He just fought against a goddess. He deserved some comfort food.

The waitress came with the order, balancing the tray in her hands. Her attention was focused on a wall-mounted television (the quality was amazing) in the corner of the room.

There was a dark-haired reporter talking. The headlines, "Ghoul attacks CCG Center in the 20th Ward," blazed across the screen in large, bold characters.

"A ghoul with white hair and a navy blue face mask deliberately attacked a CCG Center just minutes ago. I'm currently live on the scene, talking to one of the investigators caught in the attack," The reporter offered the microphone to the man besides her.

It was the man Kakashi had been talking to. He had several bruises already forming on his face.

The waitress set down his food, the only thing remaining on the tray being a glass of juice that Kakashi presumed somebody else had ordered.

"This ghoul is highly dangerous. If it weren't for our advanced training and determination to protect the public - " Kakashi chuckled amusedly. This was clearly a public relations spiel. Kakashi had devastated all of them, and the only reason why they weren't dead was because Kakashi didn't blame them for attacking. He was a ghoul, after all, and it was their job to kill ghouls. " - we likely would've all perished. Thankfully, we were able to avoid casualties."

Obviously. Kakashi wasn't going to kill someone on his first day in a new dimension. That would just be bad form.

The television switched back to the reporter. "We have a photo of the ghoul in question, taken from one of the CCG security cameras. If any of you see this ghoul, do not approach him. Instead, call the CCG at once."

The screen flickered before changing over to a picture of Kakashi.

"Hey, you know, that man kind of looks like you," The waitress beside him commented, focused on the screen.

Kakashi smiled in glee. Wait for it...

The waitress looked down at him, smiling reassuringly. "No offense, of course. It's just that you both - "

She froze. The tray balanced on her hand slipped from her grasp. Glass shattered on the floor, the loud sound drawing the attention of everyone in the restaurant. Every head swiveled over to stare at them.

The waitress raised a trembling finger. "Y-y-you're identical to that man..." She stammered out fearfully. "Your clothes, your posture, even your grey hair."

Every eye glanced up at the television which was still displaying Kakashi's photo.

Every eye then looked back at Kakashi. Kakashi could literally hear the gears turning in people's heads. He saw the moment everything clicked.

It was as if white chalk powder had been thrown in the room. Every face turned pale. Some started hyperventilating.

Kakashi merely eye-smiled. "Maa, I have no idea what you're talking about. The man on the television has grey hair. I have silver hair. There's a difference, you see."

Nobody was convinced; if anything, they seemed to grow even more fearful. Kakashi wrinkled his nose as one overweight man vomited onto the floor.

Oh well. Kakashi had screwed around with everyone enough. It was time for him to eat.

He broke apart the chopsticks, muttered a quick "Itadakimasu", and placed a piece of eggplant in his mouth.

Foul was the first word that came to his mind. Disgusting. Revolting. Abhorrent. The texture, once comforting, reminded Kakashi of rotting corpses. It tasted like feet and mold and spoilt milk.

He tried to keep it in his mouth but the feeling overwhelmed him. He spit it out, coughing.

No. This wasn't enough evidence. It could've just been a really low quality eggplant. He shoveled more food into his mouth, gagging at the taste. They were all disgusting. Kakashi spit it all out once more.

He grabbed the bowl of miso soup, ignoring how the hot porcelain scorched his skin, and drank from it. He didn't even last two seconds. Everything left his mouth, going back into the bowl.

His mouth burned from the heat and his tongue seemed to have curled up into itself but all of his physical reactions paled against his mental turmoil.

He had the ghoul's skin. He had the ghoul's tongue. He was a ghoul.

He was a ghoul.

He was a ghoul. A being that could only survive by devouring human flesh.

...

Kakashi sighed deeply, leaning back into his chair. The wood dug uncomfortably into his back but he ignored it.

This was unfortunate. Kakashi had rather liked being a human. Though it could've been worse, Kakashi reasoned. He could've been reborn as a 15-meter tall giant with no reproductive organs.

In fact, being a ghoul didn't change anything. Kakashi felt the exact same as before. The only difference now was that he had to eat humans instead of animals.

... damn. It looked like that one rumor proved to be true in the end.

Kakashi blinked. Where had everyone gone? The restaurant was completely deserted.

He heard rapid footsteps approaching from the outside. He looked outside the windows. Thirty-two men in black body armor had formed a barricade around the restaurant. He extended his senses. There were people in the back as well. Oh, there were even people on the roof. How thorough. He was blocked off from all avenues of escape.

"Squads, assemble! Jellyfish position!"

The CCG had arrived, it seemed.

"Ready... aim... OPEN FIRE!"

Kakashi's eyes widened. They couldn't possibly be -

A hail of bullets streaked into the room, punching through the windows and flimsy wood.

Kakashi flipped through the necessary hand signs in less than a second. An earth wall reinforced with chakra rose from the ground, greeting the bullets and meeting them head on.

The wall won, of course. Chakra was an amazing thing.

XxX

They stopped the assault after about twenty seconds.

"Cease fire!" Lieutenant Takeshi yelled. He had been promoted recently, and hadn't seen much action. The 20th ward was renowned for being the safest, after all.

Immediately after the attack on the CCG center, the CCG HQ had gone into an uproar. A direct attack by a ghoul. That used non-lethal measures. That didn't use his kagune - or even activate his kakugan.

It was an insult, a direct challenge to the CCG's power. HQ had quickly mobilized. Literal seconds after the attack, the CCG diverted all of the 20th ward's resources to find and take down this "Kakashi" - no doubt a fake name he had given to the receptionist.

The CCG had fully expected Codename Kakashi to melt away into the darkness. The CCG Technical Team had fully expected to spend several sleepless nights combing through all of the security footage in the 20th Ward, trying to figure out where Kakashi went.

Then, not even ten minutes after the initial attack, the CCG received multiple calls and alerts from a restaurant within walking distance from the CCG center. All of which concerning Codename Kakashi.

The CCG's dispatchers had been skeptical at first. A ghoul strolling into a restaurant in broad daylight right after a very public attack? No way. It had to be a prank.

Then all of their phones buzzed at once. They checked them - and promptly flew into action. On every social media platform were pictures of Codename Kakashi in the restaurant. An investigator not too badly injured in the attack was called over.

He made the positive face ID in a second. Then he properly looked at the picture and blanched in horror.

The CCG ignored the strangeness of the situation - after all, ghouls couldn't eat human food - and called everyone in the vicinity over.

As a result, not even 2 minutes after the initial call, 4 CCG Rapid Response Teams had converged onto the location. Investigators were on the way, presumably stuck in traffic.

Takeshi felt immense pride in the CCG. The CCG had responded impossibly quickly, showcasing a level of competency and efficiency unheard of in any government organization.

Thankfully, Codename Kakashi hadn't done anything yet. Every customer and employee had been safely evacuated from the building, leaving only Codename Kakashi inside.

Takeshi probably should've waited for the Investigators to arrive, but that would've taken too long. Besides, if the Investigators fought Codename Kakashi in melee combat, they would probably lose.

Kakashi had taken on nearly 13 Investigators by himself and walked out without a scratch.

They needed Senior Investigators - seasoned ghoul-killing experts. Unfortunately, there had been none in the 20th Ward at the moment. All of the Senior Investigators were in the other wards, where violence occurred on a daily basis.

Besides all that, Takeshi was furious. Codename Kakashi had strolled into the Center and hurt his friends. Takeshi knew the people that were injured. He had talked with them, laughed with them. And Codename Kakashi hurt them.

Which was what led him to command the Teams to unleash a lethal barrage of gunfire.

Codename Kakashi was boxed in with nowhere to go. The front entrance was covered. The employee exit in the back had a team blocking it as well. Sniper lined the rooftops, ready to shoot the second they had a clear shot.

It was the perfect setup. There was no way for Codename Kakashi to have lived.

Takeshi grinned viciously. Ghouls were the scum of the earth, and they deserved to die. Today, he helped eradicate evil.

Slowly, the dust and smoke cleared from the restaurant. The wall had been nearly completely destroyed under the force of all the bullets. No doubt the CCG would have to pay for damages.

It was worth it. Evil had to be killed at all costs.

Wait. There was movement -

Codename Kakashi calmly strolled out of the scene of destruction, hands planted in his pockets and back slightly bent in a slouch.

There was not a single hair out of place. Codename Kakashi was completely untouched.

"Maa, is this some sort of welcoming reception?" Codename Kakashi eye-smiled at them.

All thirty-two men backed away in fear. Twenty seconds of gunfire. Ten bullets per second. Thirty-two men. In total, 6400 bullets had been unleashed into the restaurant.

And this ghoul was completely untouched?!

"Fire!" Takeshi yelled again, this time out of desperation instead of righteous fury.

The men carried out his order immediately, squeezing down on their triggers. On the rooftops, the snipers finally had a clear shot, and they fired as one, bullets shooting out faster than the speed of sound.

Codename Kakashi disappeared.

"Cease fire, cease fire!" Takeshi yelled. "Where the fuck did he go?!"

They all looked around. Codename Kakashi was nowhere to be seen.

"Damnit," Takeshi cursed. He pulled out his radio and practically shouted into it. "Sniper Team 1! Do you have a visual on Codename Kakashi?"

A slight delay, a small buzz of static.

Then: "Codename Kakashi? You do realize that 'Kakashi' is my real name, correct?"

Takeshi's blood went cold. He glanced up slowly, refusing to believe it.

The men close enough to hear the radio also froze in shock before swiveling their guns upwards towards the roof.

Takeshi scanned the rooftop. Where was - there. Codename Kakashi was looking down at them with an amused smile on his face, a radio receiver held in his hand. "I see you've found me."

Takeshi growled. "What the fuck did you do to my men?"

"Nothing, nothing. I just put them to sleep for a little while. Well, I'd love to stay and talk, but I have things to do. Have a nice day~"

With one last mocking wave, Codename Kakashi disappeared again. There wasn't even a blur - one moment he was there, the next he was gone.

"God damnit!"

XxX

Kakashi exited the perfectly executed shunshin, lightly landing on the ground a good distance away from the restaurant.

He had two options now. The first was to lay low until he found a way back to his dimension.

The second was to screw around with everyone until he found a way back to his dimension.

The choice was clear.

Kakashi smirked under his mask. The CCG wouldn't know what hit them.

Chapter Text

Kakashi strolled up the side of a hotel. A minor genjutsu made it so that any onlooker would only see a slight shimmer, like a heat haze.

There was no way he was going to sleep outside for the night. Not in such an unknown environment with cameras all around. Especially since he had just fought a goddess. He deserved to spend the night in luxury.

When he finally reached the third-to-top floor, Kakashi walked over to an unoccupied room and used a quick wind jutsu to cut away at the glass to form a small hole just wide enough for him to squeeze through. Fortunately, there didn't appear to be any security measures - but then again, this was a hotel, not an office building of a mob boss in Chicago.

The circular piece of glass held securely by a shadow clone outside of the building, Kakashi squeezed through the hole and landed lightly inside. Then, having the Kage Bunshin hold the glass in place, Kakashi used a fire jutsu to melt the edges of the glass. The glass cooled down to reveal a repaired, albeit slightly deformed, window.

Kakashi nodded. Good enough. The Kage Bunshin dispelled, and Kakashi turned to inspect the inside of the hotel room.

It was spacious. It was luxurious. And there were about 26 different openings that someone could exploit to assassinate the person inside.

Kakashi sighed. He wanted to sleep, he really did. He had fought, he had been tossed into a new world, and for the coup de grace, he wasn't even human anymore; he was a ghoul, a veritable monster.

Although he supposed he had been a monster long before he was turned into a ghoul.

However, decades of instinct and paranoia took over, and Kakashi spent the next hour making the room safe. Genjutsu over the door? Check. Genjutsu over the window? Check. Security seals inscribed on every surface Kakashi could get to? Check (shadow clones were wonderful things. Bless the Nidaime.)

With everything done, Kakashi brushed his teeth, took a shower, got out, got back into the bath because hey, he deserved it, then finally collapsed onto the soft king-sized bed.

This hotel was really nice.

He should get started on modifying the Hiraishin to allow him to return to his own dimension. Tomorrow. For now, he needed to sleep.

XxX

"Kakashi is back."

Those three words sent the entire CCG Center into disarray. Pencils went flying up, cups were dropped, coffee was spit out.

"Where?"

"Is he in a dark alleyway?"

"Were our cameras able to find his hideout?"

An analyst rapidly typed on his keyboard, taking control of the television mounted on the wall. Several footages popped up.

They were all of Kakashi walking down the street, hands in his pockets, looking as if he gave no damns in the world.

Those who had enough self-control to not spit out their coffee initially now spit them out.

"Is... is he stupid?"

"Dumbass! He took out all of us yesterday without a scratch! He's not stupid, he's arrogant!"

"What the hell are we supposed to do? Main HQ didn't think Kakashi would be active for another week at least! All of the good investigators aren't here yet!"

"We're going to get slaughtered like yesterday if we engage in battle!"

"Do we call for backup? Should we send out a Rapid Response Team?"

"That's the same as sending them to their deaths!"

A low, somewhat insane chuckle rang throughout the room.

All eyes turned towards the offender - then they all immediately relaxed.

"Oh right. He's here. I almost forgot about that."

First Class Ghoul Investigator Kureo Mado and his partner (read: assistant) Koutaro Amon calmly walked forward, clinically scanning the feeds shown above.

"Well, now, Amon-kun. Isn't this interesting? Typically we have to go out to find ghouls. But now, it appears they're looking for us."

A fire blazed in the young Investigator's eyes. "If he's looking for a fight, we'll give him one. And he won't be the one walking out alive."

"Ah, ah, ah. Patience." Mado wagged a finger at Amon. "What does it tell you, that he's walking around in broad daylight looking as if he hasn't got a single care in the world?"

Amon hesitated, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "There are two possibilities here. One: he's brain-damaged. Two: he's so powerful, he doesn't need to worry about us coming after him."

Mado chuckled once again. It was an eerie sound. Two CCG employees had once surreptitiously recorded Mado's chuckle before presenting it to several young children, asking if they thought it was a human or a ghoul's chuckle. All of them had answered "ghoul."

Mado had sulked for a solid week afterwards.

"Only two possibilities? Try again."

Amon looked up, surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Oh, as always, you see, but you do not observe."

"That's Sherlock you're stealing from."

"We're both detectives. The only difference between us is that I just happen to kill my suspects." Mado clapped his gloved hands together. "Now then. All of you seem to either think he's stupid, or he's strong. But neither are correct."

Amon frowned. "Then which is it? A bastardized combination of both?"

Mado shook his head. "No. Kakashi is strong, there's no denying it. From what we've seen so far, I wouldn't hesitate to place him at A-ranked, perhaps even S-rank. No, the thing you're all missing here is that he's smart."

"Smart?" Amon turned to face the television, where they could see live feeds of Kakashi asking a petrified young man a question. Amon turned back to Mado, an incredulous look on his face. "He's walking around. Without a disguise. In broad daylight."

"Amon, OBSERVE, will you?" The sudden shout made Amon jump a little. "Don't look at his surface actions, look underneath! Look at his eyes!"

Amon's frown deepened. "His eyes?" He turned to look at the television, and he saw, and, most importantly, he observed.

Kakashi's eyes weren't still, far from it. They were constantly revolving around, fast little twitches that, if a person wasn't looking for it, they wouldn't see it. But now that Amon concentrated, he could definitely see how Kakashi was intently analyzing his surroundings.

"Precisely," Mado spread out his arms. "He acts like a fool, but he's not unaware, far from it. On the surface, it looks as if he doesn't care about anything, but underneath, it's obvious that he's looking for any signs of danger and trouble. No, not just looking for. He's anticipating, he's welcoming danger."

"Which means," Amon breathed in horror. "He's..."

"He's setting a trap," Mado grimly finished. "A trap for us. He's the bait, and we're the prey."

Amon slammed his fist into his palm. "That doesn't matter. Even if it's a trap, we can still defeat - "

"You fool! Didn't you hear what I just said?" Mado pointed at Kakashi. "He's the bait." He pointed at himself. "We're the prey."

And Mado leered at Amon. "So who's the predator?"

"We don't know," Amon whispered with dawning horror before whirling back to face the screen. Kakashi was still ambling along. He looked bored, but Amon now knew that he was anything but.

"A ghoul organization? Perhaps Aogiri Tree? Or maybe Kakashi is just working with a small group of highly-elite, dangerous ghouls. Whatever the case, if the CCG goes in now like they did yesterday, they will surely die."

"Right. Yesterday was just to make us mad, make us hungry for revenge. Today, he's trying to exploit our anger to lure us into a trap, hoping that we're too blinded by our madness to see clearly." Amon glared at Kakashi. "I don't like him."

Mado turned around, serenely walking away. "He's a ghoul. Of course you don't like him."

"Wait, where are you going?" Amon asked, taking his eyes off of the television.

Mado looked back at him, a crazed smile on his face. "We're walking into his trap, of course."

Amon blinked. "Didn't you just say that if we went in now, we would surely die?"

Mado chuckled. "I said that if the CCG went in like they did yesterday, they would surely die. Only difference is, we weren't there yesterday. A group of highly-elite, dangerous ghouls should be no problem for us, right?"

Amon smiled, flames of determination roaring to life in his heart. "Then what are we waiting for? Let's go!"

Silence greeted his declaration. Amon looked around the office. It was empty, save for a few analysts.

"W-where did everyone go?" Amon directed to a random analyst, who looked up with a frantic expression on his face.

"Sir, they left already while you two were in the middle of your discussion. They said they couldn't wait any longer, lest any civilians get hurt."

"Oh," Mado scratched his head, looking at the television. "We should probably hurry."

"DAMNIT!"

But even as Amon rushed out of the center, briefcase in hand and heart pounding, he couldn't get one thought out of his head.

Why did it look like Kakashi was crying?

It must've been a trick of the light, Amon decided. A glitch in the camera.

XxX

It was unusual for the crowd to be silent on a Tuesday morning. There should have been a dull roar of hundreds of citizens all talking at once. And yet, everyone was silent.

Kakashi's hands were planted in his pockets as he ambled down the street. There seemed to be a bubble around him as the crowd parted before him like Moses before the red sea.

Some were brave enough to run away. Others were so scared, they could only quiver and shake as Kakashi passed by.

Kakashi, for his part, didn't pay them any heed. He had more important things to do.

"Mama, is that a ghoul?"

"Shut the fuck up kid! Don't let him hear you!"

"But why is he crying?"

And indeed, he was. A tear trickled down his cheek. His eyes were filled with desolation and emptiness, like the thousand-yard stare of a man that had seen too much death - a fairly accurate description, actually. He radiated sadness and agony.

Kakashi wasn't ashamed to admit that he was crying. There was a very, very good reason for it.

His Icha Icha collection was gone.

He had left it at his apartment in Konoha (because who takes porn into the Fourth Great Shinobi War?). He regretted his decision so, so much.

Kakashi should've just stored his collection in a storage seal like he normally did. But he didn't, so now he had to pay the price.

He needed to find a replacement. He would probably never find one as good as Jiraiya-sama's masterpiece, but one close enough would do.

His collection. His highly-personalized, limited editions, autographed, ultra-rare collection. All gone.

Kakashi held back a whimper.

XxX

"Do we know the plan?"

"SIR YES SIR!"

"Good. This won't be like yesterday. Let's get him. Many of us may die in the process, and even more will probably sustain injuries that may never heal, but it's for the sake of the public. We have to protect the civilians - we have to protect humanity!"

"Umm, sir, this operation calls for, umm, a lot of bullets. Bullets that cost a lot of money. And we don't have a guarantee that it'll even work - you saw how fast Kakashi was yesterday. Umm, we should probably just retreat for now. Like, we should really really really retreat. Kakashi isn't even doing anything bad yet - "

"What's your name and rank?"

"Umm, Guren Nanimo, and I'm new, so I'm the lowest rank-"

"WRONG. YOU ARE NOW HEREBY KNOWN AS 'BITCH BOY', WITH THE RANK OF 'BITCH BOY.' NOW KNEEL DOWN, SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND GET READY TO SHOOT."

XxX

Kakashi's fingers twitched, and there was a hungry look in his eyes. The only tears left on his face were tears of happiness.

Marvelous.

He had walked into the bookstore expecting to find some mediocre literotica. He found porn manga instead.

Manga in the Elemental Nations was rare, even rarer than movies, but they existed. Kakashi had never liked them that much because the plots were often disappointing and droll.

But in this world, it appeared that manga was so successful, there was a whole porn subsection.

Kakashi giggled as he flipped a page, drinking in the scenes before his eyes.

Marvelous.

"I'll take your entire stock," Kakashi called out to the clerk, eyes not moving off of the page.

There wasn't a response. Kakashi looked up, frowning. Oh. He had run off already.

Kakashi had been so polite too.

Oh well. He'll just take it and leave the money on the counter. Pickpocketing rich assholes this morning had been harder than usual because nobody went even ten feet within him, but he'd still managed it.

Kakashi giggled once more. You sly dog.

He snapped the marvelous work of art shut, then sealed the entire series into a storage seal. He dropped a stack of bills on top of the countertop with a small tip as an apology, then strolled out.

"Yo!" Kakashi eye-smiled at the men pointing guns at him. Three helicopters buzzed overhead. He counted at least 30 snipers on various rooftops, all of them undoubtedly aiming at various parts of his body. Much more men than yesterday.

"Kakashi. Are you stupid? Did you really think we'll let you walk around this city like you own it with no repercussions?" Hey, it was the same investigator yesterday that had greeted him at the Center.

"Time?"

The man blinked. "Sorry?"

"What's the time?" Kakashi repeated.

"Why does it matter to you?"

Kakashi looked down at his pant leg where the storage seal full of porn manga was located. "Because I have important matters to attend to, so I can't waste too much time on you guys. Don't worry, I'm sure I can spare a minute or two, but this can't drag out too long."

"FIRE! KILL THIS MOTHER FU-" The rest of his words were drowned out by the sudden hail of gunfire.

Kakashi sighed. How troublesome. Perhaps he should've put on a Henge.

And they're shooting at him again? Hadn't they learned from yesterday?

Bullets. Don't. Work.

Or perhaps they just hoped that more bullets would be effective. Rather, a tremendous amount of bullets. Holy hell, it was literally as if there was a metal wall of death in front of him.

Just as the first supersonic sniper bullet reached him, Kakashi blurred out of existence.

He wasn't stupid enough to do the same thing as yesterday. The CCG seemed to have learned from their mistake. There was a squad of men guarding the snipers themselves. In fact, the men seem to be shooting randomly into the air, presumably so if Kakashi suddenly appeared, he would be right in the path of a bullet.

Kakashi nodded in satisfaction. The CCG wasn't completely incompetent.

Finished with his inner analysis, Kakashi glanced around the interior of the helicopter. Two men were shaking, pointing handguns at him. The pilot, thankfully, was still oblivious, so the helicopter wasn't in any danger of crashing.

"What's up?" Kakashi greeted with a two-fingered peace sign. His hands shot forward, grabbing the guns and deftly disarming both men. Kakashi idly tossed the guns out of the open door.

"Can you please drop me off over there?" Kakashi pointed off to the distance at a small park. Tokyo was too... metal for his taste. He wanted to see some trees again. Being away from the Holy Log for so long was taking its toll on Kakashi.

The men looked at each other. They nodded, an unspoken agreement passing between each other.

Kakashi regarded them cautiously. He didn't like the look in their eyes. It was the same look Kakashi often had whenever he was about to do something extremely stupid and likely suicidal.

Then, without a moment's warning, both men charged at Kakashi, fully intent on tackling him out of the open helicopter door.

Kakashi rolled his eyes, sidestepped around them, and knocked them both unconscious.

The radio buzzed in one of the men's pockets. Kakashi smirked. He was getting a sense of deja vu here.

XxX

"Cease fire! Cease fire!"

Everyone anxiously looked at the spot where Kakashi had been. There was a lot of smoke. When it cleared, like yesterday, it revealed that Kakashi was nowhere to be seen.

In unison, everyone swiveled their gazes to the roofs. If Kakashi did the same thing as yesterday, then he would've been taken out by the ambush squads guarding the snipers.

"Sniper Team 1, 2, 3, 4, report in. Any visual on Kakashi?"

"No sir no."

"No sir no."

"No sir no."

"No sir no."

Everyone frowned. Where was Kakashi-?

"HOLY SHIT THERE'S NO WAY. HELICOPTER SQUADS, REPORT ASAP."

"Helicopter Squad 1, all clear, no sign of Kakashi."

"Helicopter Squad 2, all clear, no wounds on my person."

"Helicopter Squad 3, all cle - wait what the fuck did you just say?"

"..."

"Hey, umm, this is the pilot of Helicopter Squad 2. What the hell is going on back there? I can't see."

"Maa, I need a ride. Can you drop me off around 36 degrees to the right? Thanks."

XxX

"Kaneki, which do you think is better, a cheeseburger with caviar or - " Hide was abruptly cut off when he caught sight of something in the distance. "Say, Kaneki, what is that?"

Kaneki turned around, just in time to see something dropping down in the air from a helicopter. "Was... was that a person?"

Hide frowned. "There's no way, right? It was probably a stunt for a movie. Or a dummy that was dropped down."

Kaneki nodded. "That must be it. Cheeseburgers with caviar sounds ghastly. Hey, what should I do when I go on the date with Rize?"

XxX

Kakashi landed lightly on his feet. The pilot had been nice enough to comply with his every demand. He had tried to crash the helicopter at first (how brave and honorable of him), but Kakashi just casually pointed the sharp end of a kunai at the pilot's comrades and told the pilot that if he tried to crash the helicopter, Kakashi would simply jump out first, rendering the pilot's brave sacrifice a useless failure. And that was that.

He would play with the CCG later. For now, he had things to read.

XxX

Mado and Amon rushed onto the scene, Quinques out and ready for a fight to the death.

"Where is he?" Mado growled.

There were bashful looks being shared by everyone. "Gone, sir."

"Why did you all rush off without us?" Amon demanded. "If you had waited for us, we could've gotten him!"

"We had to do something!" The man yelled. "We had to act. The public was at risk! What if Kakashi suddenly went onto a killing spree?"

Mado sighed. "Fools everywhere. Kakashi wasn't going to harm anyone; he was preparing for us. We had plenty of time to plan it out. Do we know where he is now?"

"... he jumped out of a helicopter around that area, sir."

Mado blinked. "I'm sorry?"

"I don't know how, but he somehow went from here," the man pointed at the spot riddled with bullet holes on the ground, "to a helicopter in the sky."

Mado paled considerably. "Are you certain?"

"I am. We don't know how he did it. He was faster than our sniper bullets."

Mado turned to Amon. "My apologies, Amon-kun. It appears I've made a mistake."

Amon frowned. "What's wrong?"

"He's not A-rank, or even S-rank," For the first time since Amon's met him, Mado seemed almost fearful. "He's SSS, perhaps even higher."

XxX

Kakashi lounged in the tree with a Henge on. He didn't want any more disturbances today.

He let out another giggle when Soujiro finally understood her intentions. Go get her.

The sound of footsteps drew Kakashi's attention. Kakashi gave an internal sigh when he saw a group of CCG agents rush into the park.

"Excuse me, but did you see a white-haired man drop down from the sky?"

Kakashi blinked innocently, twirling around a strand of purple hair. "I'm so sorry officer," he spoke in a high, cutesy voice. "I didn't see a thing."

"Miss, are you sure? You didn't see a man drop down from the sky?"

Kakashi pursed his lips. "No. Why, what happened?"

The men looked at each other before shrugging helplessly. "Nothing, miss. We need you to leave this area right now. It's not safe. There's a ghoul around."

Kakashi gasped in surprise. "Oh no! A ghoul! How terrible! Umm, where is he though?"

"We don't know. That's why we need you to leave."

"But I just want to read," Kakashi whined.

The men froze. "Wait. Are you holding a book?"

Kakashi froze as well. "Aw shit," he spoke in his regular voice.

One chakra smoke jutsu and Shunshin later, Kakashi was gone.

In retrospect, he probably shouldn't have brought up that he was reading a book right after he had exited a bookstore. Not his best choice, he'll admit.

XxX

"He crossdressed."

"What?"

"He was a girl. He had put on a wig, applied makeup, and changed his voice."

"What?"

"He was pretty cute too, not gonna lie."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, and he got away."

"Okay."

XxX

"What do you think about this Kakashi they've been talking about?" The blue-haired waitress asked an old man while wiping down the counter. Her eyes were fixed on the television mounted on the wall, playing the news of the day.

Yoshimura hummed in thought. "He's an unknown. A powerful one. We don't know what his purpose is yet. For now, stay vigilant and don't get killed. We don't know if he's friendly towards fellow ghouls."

"And the CCG isn't going to take this lying down, huh?"

"Indeed. The CCG is enraged by Kakashi, and they're already sending a large number of experienced Investigators over to take down Kakashi. If we're not careful, the 20th Ward may no longer be a safe haven for ghouls and instead become a murder ground."

Touka growled. "This shitty Kakashi. And I thought the Binge Eater was bad."

Yoshimura chuckled. "My dear, there are monsters out there that would make the Binge Eater look like a playful child."

He turned around and began walking away.

"I just hope Kakashi isn't one of them."

Chapter Text

Kakashi sighed contentedly when he finished the first 5 volumes. It had been a fantastic read with brilliant plot, character development, character interactions, and phenomenal... art. Standing up from the top of the crane he was sitting on, he inhaled deeply. The air up here was cool and refreshing. Less pollution. No body odor either - some people just didn't know what deodorant was.

He took a moment to appreciate the sunset. He had spent a good chunk of the day reading.

Nobody seemed to have noticed him up here. Kakashi looked down. Everything looked like little dots from this height.

Well, he had work to do. No time to waste. He released the chakra sticking him to the crane then jumped off, free-falling to the ground. The wind rushed through his hair and adrenaline coursed through his system. His senses screamed out at him as every nerve was lit aflame with exhilaration. Kakashi smiled underneath his mask.

It was fun. Kakashi could rarely do stuff like this, because the last time he had jumped off the Hokage Mountain, he had been... disciplined by the Sandaime for "setting a bad example goddamnit Kakashi I swear if I see a single Genin do the same thing you did then I will shove my pipe so far up your - "

As the ground neared, Kakashi performed a flawless Kawarimi, effortlessly switching out with a rock on a window ledge. He precariously balanced on the ledge, using the slightest bits of chakra to attach himself, and watched the rock smash to pieces below him.

His body parallel to the ground, Kakashi walked down the side of the building, weaving a minor genjutsu around him. When he reached the ground, Kakashi dropped the genjutsu, absently applied a Henge, and made his way back to the hotel room.

XxX

Special Class Investigator Yukinori Shinohara and his partner Rank 3 Investigator Juuzou "The Psycho-kid" Suzuya walked into the CCG Center of the 20th Ward.

Chaos. Absolute chaos.

Analysts, running around like chickens whose heads were cut off, were talking into multiple phones at once. Rapid Response Teams were kneeling down, eyes pointed straight ahead and alight with determination while drill sergeants screamed into their faces.

Kureo Mado, Shinohara's first partner and friend, sat on a chair, staring at a cup of coffee in his hands.

Amon Koutaro was doing push-ups in the corner with his shirt off.

"Mado-san, what's going on?" Shinohara politely inquired, setting down his metal briefcase and taking a seat across from Mado.

Mado looked up, an unrecognizable look in his eyes. "Good evening, Shinohara-san. You're here because of Kakashi, I take it?"

Shinohara nodded, slightly worried. "Yes, HQ sent me to coordinate with all 20th Center Branch members to eliminate the ghoul Codename: Kakashi. I was one of the only free Special Class Investigators they had on hand, so they sent me and my partner, Suzuya-kun."

Special Class Investigators were incredibly rare. You couldn't just be strong. You had to be smart, have leadership, and be able to adapt on the fly. Shinohara was one of the best the CCG had to offer. Sending him here showed just how serious the CCG was about taking out Kakashi.

Mado sighed. "Shinohara-san. The entire 20th CCG Center is in pandemonium because of what Kakashi did this morning."

Shinohara nodded. "I know. That's why they sent me."

Mado shook his head. "No, neither you nor the CCG truly knows. Kakashi, somehow, someway, managed to travel from the ground to a helicopter still in the air. All while dodging supersonic Q Bullets."

Shinohara blinked. "Wait, what?"

"His speed may even exceed Arima-san's."

Shinohara stared slack-jawed at Mado's words. "F-faster than Arima-san?!" He shook his head in denial. Such a thing wasn't possible. No no no. Definitely not.

"He has mastery over close-range combat. One look at the surveillance video when he attacked the CCG Center would tell you that. His speed and maneuverability is god-like. A battle against Kakashi would be immensely difficult."

Shinohara leaned back in his chair and smirked. "But not impossible, am I correct, old friend?"

An eager, excited, wild smile spread across Mado's face. "Of course."

Off to the corner, Amon looked up. "Hold up. Are you saying we're going to fight Kakashi?"

Mado chuckled. "Oh, Amon-kun, don't you know my ambition? My one goal in life?"

Amon frowned. "You've never told me."

"I need to kill the Owl," Mado grinned. A grin that most would expect to appear on an insane person. "Compared to him, Kakashi is nothing."

Shinohara stood up. "Well then. Shall we plan out our strategy then?"

Mado drained the coffee and slammed down his cup, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. "Absolutely."

Shinohara smiled - before he heard a familiar voice scream out, "MAGGOT, YOU'RE FUCKING USELESS! GIVE ME ONE HUNDRED, NO, TWO HUNDRED PUSHUPS RIGHT NOW!"

Shinohara groaned. "Excuse me for one moment. SUZUYA, GET BACK HERE. YOU'RE AN INVESTIGATOR, NOT A DRILL SERGEANT!"

Suzuya jogged over disappointedly. "Aw man. Screaming at those men was fun. Why can't we do it?"

Shinohara sighed. "Because it's not proper. Mado, Amon, this is Suzuya Juuzou, my partner."

"Nice to meetcha!" Suzuya held up two fingers in greeting.

Amon stretched out his hand. "Nice to meet you too."

The seconds dragged on as Suzuya stared at the extended appendage.

"Suzuya, you're supposed to shake his hand," Shinohara explained patiently.

"OHH, I understand. I thought he wanted to fight, and you told me to never fight a comrade, so I was thinking about how to defeat him without you noticing - "

"Just shake his damn hand."

XxX

This was... aggravating, to say the least.

Kakashi stared down at the Hiraishin seal. He had tried once when he was younger to recreate the original Hiraishin. He had given up within the first three days.

And now, decades later, Kakashi once again not only had to figure out how the Hiraishin worked, but also to add an extra dimensional factor.

Needless to say, it wasn't exactly going well.

XxX

Several hours later, Kakashi once again collapsed onto the hotel bed, sinking into the soft cushion.

He had made absolutely no progress that afternoon. Even with his own unparalleled genius, Kakashi had been unable to figure out even the first layer.

This was going to take a long time. Months, perhaps even years.

And until then, Kakashi would be stuck in this new world.

Most importantly, Kakashi wouldn't be with his friends and comrades and cute little students.

He sighed. While he enjoyed a little time to himself, as much as he hated to admit it, he'd grown accustomed to being with people.

Put simply, Kakashi wanted a friend. Or at least somebody to talk to.

XxX

"I, too, happen to be interested in you."

And she embraced his trembling, eager form, bringing her head against his shoulder, and bit down.

Kaneki rarely swore. But he felt justified in this case. "Bitch what the fuck - OH SHIT GHOUL!"

XxX

"Kakashi will be wandering around tomorrow," Mado announced grimly.

Shinohara tilted his head. "How do you know?"

"It's in his nature. He's arrogant, and he wants to showcase his power. He already survived multiple CCG attempts on his life, so why not another one?"

"That does make sense in a twisted sort of way," Shinohara raised his hand to his chin, deep in thought. "We just need to anticipate where he will be, then set a trap. The four of us should be able to take care of him."

Suzuya raised his hand. "Umm... I don't mean to be pessimistic here, but can the four of us even defeat him?"

Shinohara smiled patiently at Suzuya. "Kakashi may be fast and strong, but against the four of us, it's definitely a winnable fight."

Mado nodded. "Do not underestimate our abilities, Suzuya. Shinohara and I are known as CCG's best for a reason. I also have faith in Amon and you as well."

Amon pounded his fist into his palm. "Kakashi is going down," he declared resolutely.

"Yeah, but didn't he dodge sniper bullets that were traveling faster than the speed of sound?" Suzuya asked innocently.

Shinohara shook his head. "Whenever somebody says the speed of sound, people tend to think of insanely fast undodgeable things - but that isn't true. For example, a whip can travel faster than the speed of sound, but we can still dodge those. Kakashi was probably anticipating the sniper bullets and had begun dodging the second he saw the muzzle flash - and perhaps even before that."

"Kakashi most likely has an ukaku kagune," Mado pressed his fingers against each other. "He'll tire quickly, and once he does, he'll slow down exponentially. There's a reason why Kakashi hasn't been fighting the CCG squads head-on."

"There's too many of us," Amon realized. "If he had to take care of all of us individually, even if he doesn't get a single scratch while doing so, he'll still be too tired by the end."

Mado smiled. "Exactly. That's why he's been running away from us every single time. It's not that he's baiting us or anything - it's because in a full-on battle, he'll lose."

"Whoaaaa you're really smart," Suzuya smiled up at Mado. "But then, why are your hands trembling? My hands used to tremble when I was afraid. Are you afraid, Mado-san?"

"Suzuya!" Shinohara admonished, but Mado stopped him with the raise of his hand.

"No worries, Shinohara. He's right. My hands are trembling," Mado leered at Suzuya. "But it's not from fear. It's from excitement."

"Oh!" Suzuya clapped his hands together, tilting his head to the side. "And are your eyes also different sizes because of excitement - "

"Suzuya!" Shinohara said again in exasperation. "We've talked about the language filter before!"

"We have. I tossed it out because it was getting annoying," Suzuya blinked.

Shinohara let out a suffering sigh.

"There's something I don't understand," Amon crossed his arms. "We'll win if we fight Kakashi head-on. But how do we do that? Kakashi will just run away every single time. He's too fast and agile."

"Isn't it obvious?" Shinohara raised an eyebrow.

"We bait him," Mado finished. "We lure him into a place where he cannot escape, and then finish him off."

"But how are we supposed to do that - " Amon was cut off when Mado walked over and grabbed several laptops. Amon slowly shook his head in horror. "No. Anything but that."

"I'm afraid we have to, Amon-kun," Mado grimly fired up a laptop. "We can't trust the analysts to do their jobs. They can't even navigate their way out of a paper bag, much less create an accurate psychological profile of Kakashi."

"To defeat the enemy, we must first gain an understanding of him," Shinohara explained. "We need to be able to predict him. We have to map out his everything."

"He was at a restaurant. Well, I want to know what he ordered, what was in the things he ordered, where those things came from, and the situations of the locations from whence the things came from," Mado narrowed his eyes. "I want to know everything."

"But that requires research! Hours upon hours of sitting in front of the computer!" Amon didn't exactly whine, as one does not whine to their superiors, much less when the superior is Mado. But he certainly groaned in protest when Mado slid him a laptop. "I'm a field investigator! I fight ghouls, not do research!"

"Well, we're pulling an all-nighter doing nothing but research," Mado said with a crazed grin. "By tomorrow morning, we're going to know everything there is to know about Kakashi. And hopefully, that will be enough information for us to lure him into a trap."

Suzuya summed up all of Amon's feelings in one word. "Fuck."

"Language!"

XxX

"Hey, so this young man is about to die. BUT - I have a great idea. How about we take the girl's organs, stick them into him, and see what happens?"

"Umm, Dr. Kanou, that's in violation of at least 8 different legal laws and pretty much every ethical code I can think of - "

"I'll give you a bonus."

"Here's the scalpel. Go wild."

XxX

Kakashi woke up. He stayed in bed unmoving for a few minutes, contemplating on what he was going to do today.

He could read. There were several more volumes he hadn't finished yet. However, his stomach was starting to feel uncomfortable.

Kakashi was hungry.

What could he eat though? He didn't want to go full cannibal just yet. Well, okay, technically it wasn't cannibalism, but Kakashi regarded himself as a human.

Ghouls could not consume human food.

Or could they? Have ghouls tried every human food in existence yet? Or did they simply bite down into an apple, tasted it, decided that it was disgusting, then swore off all human food? Kakashi doubted there had been any comprehensive testing or research performed.

Besides, ghouls not eating anything but human flesh? Kakashi was no medic nin, but even he could see that it was kinda implausible. There had to be something else ghouls could eat.

Kakashi just had to find out what it was.

Which meant... it was time for Kakashi to go to the fanciest restaurants he could find and eat just about everything. All in the name of science, of course.

XxX

"Mmm this looks delicious," Kakashi smiled at the other occupants of the table. They... ignored him, surprisingly, instead focused on their phone calls. Kakashi thought that top-level executives of massive multinational corporations would have a little more self-preservation, but apparently, to these men, profit was more important than the ghoul sitting right next to them.

"Look, I don't care if we're going to end up destroying an entire ecosystem by opening up that factory. I was promised 200 million if I manage to raise our stock, and I will get the 200 million," one man barked.

Kakashi paused. And people thought ghouls were the monsters?

At any rate. Kakashi dug into tempura shrimp. He spit it out immediately.

Shrimp's off the list.

Next: caviar.

Nasty.

Next: watermelon.

Disgusting.

Next: fish.

Ghastly.

And on it went.

Kakashi couldn't consume a single dish. Nothing.

Perhaps they were correct after all when they said that ghouls could only eat human flesh.

Kakashi sighed. "Thank you, gentlemen, for providing me food."

They didn't respond to Kakashi, instead still focused on whatever urgent matters a businessman would have.

Kakashi strolled out of the private room and stood still, observing the common area of the restaurant.

It was empty.

Kakashi was suddenly hit with a wave of deja vu. His fingers flexed in preparation. What would the CCG try this time? Hopefully not bullets. Bullets were loud, annoying, and they smelled frankly terrible.

The front door opened. Kakashi's eyebrows rose as a hunched-over white-haired man, a young black-haired glaring man, a friendly-looking man with a receding hairline, and Kakuzu's son came walking in, silver briefcases in hand.

"Yo!" Kakashi greeted them with a two-fingered peace sign. Were they finally taking the negotiation/peace talks route?

The friendly-looking receding hairline man smiled. "Good morning, Kakashi. My name is Shinohara. This is Mado, Amon, and Suzuya. We are Investigators."

Kakashi nodded slowly. "This is new. For once, you're not shooting first, asking questions after. I must say, it's a refreshing change of pace. Do you want something to eat? I hear that this restaurant's tempura is spectacular."

Mado giggled. "I like you, Kakashi. You're not like the other ghouls."

"I would certainly hope not," Kakashi eye-smiled. "Although I am rather curious: why the change in strategy?"

"Because Mado's a bitch and Shinohara's a bitch for listening to the bitch," Suzuya crossed his arms and pouted.

Shinohara groaned. "What he means," he translated, "is that, after extensive research and analysis on you, we do not think that you are particularly aggressive or insane like many other ghouls."

Amon nodded. "As much as it pains me to say it, you're... you're..." he visibly struggled to continue.

"Come on, Amon. You can do it," Mado encouraged.

"You're... not... that... bad," Amon coughed immediately afterward, as if trying to purge the words from his mouth.

Kakashi blinked. "Thank you."

"You have had numerous opportunities to kill CCG agents," why weren't Mado's eyes the same size? It became disconcerting after a while, "And you never did - only nonlethal attacks. On top of that, in every single encounter we've had, you have never initiated a fight."

"From that, as unlikely as it seems, we can draw the conclusion that you're actually a peaceful ghoul," Shinohara continued.

Amon looked like he wanted to hurl.

"As a result," Mado reached out his hand. "We are extending you the opportunity to join the CCG as a special ghoul. A ghoul that kills other ghouls. You did, after all, walk into our Center the other day looking for a job, correct?"

Wow. A genuine job offer. "I'm interested," Kakashi strolled forward, ignoring how they tensed up. "Let's go."

They looked at each other. "Wait. You're going to accept? Just like that?!" Amon asked incredulously.

Kakashi nodded. "It's not like I have anything better to do. Besides, protecting the public by exterminating threats... it's almost like my old job."

Well, okay. Old old job. It had been a long time since he'd been ANBU.

Although, at least this time, he could console himself by saying that the people he would kill weren't actually people. They were ghouls. They weren't human.

Just like how Jinchuuriki weren't human?

The errant thought struck him like Obito's punch.

Were all ghouls truly bad? They ate humans, but after the extensive testing Kakashi had just performed, humans were likely the only things they could eat.

Ehh whatever. It wasn't like he actually had to follow the CCG's orders. If ghouls were this world's equivalent to Jinchuuriki, then Kakashi would switch sides immediately. And probably start a revolution, or something.

XxX

Instead of walking, there was a car waiting for them. Probably to keep the public from panicking. Even so, Kakashi didn't like the ride at all. Being trapped in a confined space with four people, three of which were emitting Killing Intent, was not fun.

When they walked into the CCG Center, agents and Investigators were already lined up to greet Kakashi, although several performed double-takes at seeing him actually show up.

"Welcome, Kakashi," they chorused.

Kakashi tilted his head. "Between you and me," he said to Amon, "I'm pretty sure I just walked into a trap."

Amon tensed up. "You're wrong."

Kakashi hummed. "I hope I am. After all, I'm trusting you. And I don't like it when I'm betrayed."

He then glanced around the interior, which was why he missed Amon's frantic gestures to Mado. Mado simply grinned back.

They stopped in front of the RC scanner.

"Go on, Kakashi," Shinohara smiled warmly. "We'll wait here; your interviewer is just up ahead."

Kakashi was silent for a moment. "This isn't the same scanner I passed through two days ago."

To their credit, Mado, Shinohara, Amon, and Suzuya didn't react at all.

"What do you mean?" Mado pointed with a crooked finger at the scanner. "What's wrong with this?"

Amon nodded enthusiastically. "We added a few bells and whistles, a maintenance check. But it's still the same scanner as before."

"Indeed," Shinohara spread his hands. "We're under orders to not follow you through. Go ahead, Kakashi."

Mini-Kakuzu didn't say anything, but he did make an attempt for a smile.

Kakashi merely stared at the agents and Investigators behind the four. "Somehow, I don't believe you."

Mado turned around - and promptly facepalmed. "You idiots!"

The Investigators had their silver briefcases out and the agents were pointing their weapon of choice at Kakashi. Fierce expressions were on their faces as they prepared for battle.

Kakashi laughed. The four flinched away from him. "Oh, Mado. I understand your pain. You're not the only one who's had to deal with knuckleheaded comrades before."

If only Naruto was here. Then he would probably de-escalate the situation, resolve the conflict, and make everybody friends.

Kakashi wasn't Naruto though. He didn't have amazing persuasive powers; all he had was his combat abilities.

That, and his flair for dramatics.

"In any case, this 'RC scanner' is probably designed to neutralize me, correct?" Kakashi's guess was confirmed by several flinches in the agent/Investigator audience.

"God damn it, stop reacting! Haven't any of you played poker before?!" Mado screamed in anguish. "Stone faces!"

"And the rest of you are just the cleanup crew," Kakashi eye-smiled. "All just for little old me?"

Shinohara sighed. "The gig, Mado-san, appears to be up."

"Does this mean we can destroy, pillage, rape, kill, loot, and burn Kakashi now?" Suzuya asked happily.

Kakashi edged away from him. "I'm sorry?"

Shinohara sighed. "Suzuya. You're not a Mongol. When I introduced you to the History Channel... well. Please, at least try to maintain a good public image."

"Is that a yes?" Suzuya reached into the interior of his jacket.

Shinohara tilted his head. "It is."

"Awesome!" And in a flash, Suzuya was in front of Kakashi, small knives in his hand, an insane smile on his face.

"How the hell did you manage to pass the psychological test?!" Kakashi evaded every one of Suzuya's swipes. "Does the CCG even have psych tests?!"

"I don't know!" Suzuya attempted to kick Kakashi, but Kakashi grabbed his foot and swept out Suzuya's standing leg. Suzuya fell down but somehow bounced back up to his feet and continued his vicious assault.

"Everyone, stand down! Leave it to us! Just cover the exits!" Shinohara commanded in a loud, deep voice. Massive steel shutters slammed down, blocking the exits and trapping Kakashi inside. Kakashi was impressed. They constructed all of this in less than 24 hours. Not bad.

Mado ran forward at Kakashi, a green sword-like Quinque in his hand. Amon pulled out a black-red cylindrical club, and Shinohara had a giant black-red meat cleaver knife thing.

Kakashi dodged every one of Mado's attacks. Stabs, slices, feints and jabs - wait, what the hell? The green sword split into three sections and tried to close around Kakashi like a Venus fly-trap. It sliced down and into Kakashi. Blood came pouring out and Kakashi let out a pained cry. He collapsed to the ground - and then burst into smoke, a log in his place.

"Where did that come from?!" Amon gasped.

"'he despaired, for in this place of stone and earth, there was no logs to be found. reaching out with all his might, he begged for a log in the forsaken wasteland. and he was answered, and saved by the log, in a place where there were none.' -book of the log, wanderers saga, verses 7-9," Kakashi spoke from the ceiling. He dropped down, landing without a sound. "The Holy Log always answers the call."

Kakashi's eyes widened as Shinohara suddenly stood in front of him. He was fast! Kakashi leaned backwards into a backhandspring, dodging the furious slice, and - hands sticking to the floor with chakra - unleashed a flurry of kicks.

Shinohara blocked them with his gigantic blade. Small knives streaked towards Kakashi, who detached himself from the floor and jumped up - right into Amon, who had raised his club and was ready to slam it down.

Mado rushed him from the side, sword held in front and a manic expression on his face. The three green tentacles waved around menacingly. Kakashi could see just how sharp it was.

Suzuya dashed forwards then threw eighteen knives at Kakashi in quick succession, laughing while doing so.

Shinohara jumped up with speeds that shouldn't have been possible with his size and directed his meat cleaver downwards, ready to unleash a simultaneous attack with Amon to cleave Kakashi into two.

Checkmate.

Still in the air, Kakashi took a millisecond to admire their teamwork. If they had chakra, they would undoubtedly be excellent shinobi.

However, they didn't have chakra.

The second Amon and Shinohara's Quinques were about to cleave/crush him and Suzuya's knives were about to hit him and Mado's sword was about to rip into him, Kakashi blurred.

His legs shot out in a midair split as he caught both Shinohara and Amon in the chest, knocking them back. Mado's sword shot forward - but Kakashi's right hand was already on Mado's chest in a powerful palm strike.

Without missing a beat, Kakashi's left hand shot up and plucked all eighteen knives out of the air, faint afterimages being left behind. Then, treating the knives like kunai, he threw all eighteen at once right back at Suzuya.

Shinohara and Amon crashed into the ground. Mado dropped down, gasping, the wind knocked out of him. Suzuya glanced down at the sudden slits in his clothing - yet not a single drop of blood fell to the ground. He was completely unharmed.

Kakashi eye-smiled at them. "Nice try. But you'll have to do better."

The group of Investigators/agents roared out a battle cry behind him. Kakashi turned around, slightly bemused as they all charged him, Quinques, knives, and guns in hand. Why did the four attack first? Shouldn't they have sent the small fry to wear him down before they engaged? Because clearly, those four were leagues above all of these.

Hmm. He hadn't done this in quite a long time, since he had been fighting against enemies who were extremely powerful, but against these civilians, he could do it.

Kakashi reached into his pant pocket. The vanguard halted their charge immediately, warily observing Kakashi. While ghouls typically only fought using hand-to-hand combat or their kagunes, Kakashi wasn't a normal ghoul. They didn't want to be surprised by a hand grenade or a flashbang.

They slowly backed away as Kakashi pulled out a... a book?

A manga. No, not just that. Judging from the front cover - and for a few, their personal experience - it was a porn manga. Pure hentai.

And Kakashi began to read.

"Umm... what are you doing?" One brave agent called out, having lowered his gun in confusion.

"I'm reading, of course," Kakashi replied cheerily, not even glancing up.

They shared looks. "But... why?"

"To find out what happens next," Kakashi giggled. It wasn't Mado's insane giggle; rather, it was the giggle of a man who'd just seen something... beautiful, and appreciated it heavily. "You see, Soujiro finally conquered his inner fears and he's about to - "

" - ravage Megumi and Tsubaki at the same time," Mado finished. "Damn, I loved that scene."

Everyone turned to Mado in surprise. There was a sudden deafening silence in the room.

Kakashi spoke first. "You've read this?" he asked delightfully.

"You've read that?!" Amon asked, appalled.

"Yeah," and for the first time since Kakashi's met him, Mado seemed to regard Kakashi with something akin to respect. "You may be a ghoul, but you have good taste. Tell me, have you reached the part where all five girls - "

"NO STOP!" Kakashi cried out. He coughed lightly. "I just acquired these books yesterday, and I haven't finished it all yet."

"Ah, my bad, my bad," Mado apologized. "I'll wait until you're done with the plot first."

"Pedophile," Suzuya said flatly.

"Suzuya, no! We don't throw around accusations like that!" Shinohara sighed. "And really, Mado? You're aware that your public image is already... dented, correct? This isn't going to help."

Mado blinked. "Are you sure about that?" He gestured at the crowd of young, male Investigators and agents, who were staring at him with reverence and admiration in their eyes.

Shinohara looked incredulously at the scene before he let out another sigh. "Point taken."

"You've read that?!" Amon repeated, somehow sounding even more horrified.

"It's good," Mado smiled. "Surprisingly good. We appear to have gotten off track, however. I believe that you all were about to attack Kakashi?"

Another battle cry went up as Kakashi began to read once more.

XxX

"The new ghoul on the block, Codename: Kakashi, has attacked the CCG Center again today! Once again, he walked out without a scratch on him. Joining me here is Special Class Investigator Shinohara, an expert ghoul killer."

Shinohara stared into the camera with a fixed smile. "Yes. Kakashi will die. Thank you."

The reporter coughed lightly. "Would you like to expand on that?"

Shinohara thought about the scene that afternoon. Kakashi effortlessly destroying everyone without even looking up from that damned book. Fighting the four of them all at once only using his legs (one hand held the book, the other hand was in his pocket.) Then pulling a smoke bomb out of nowhere and smashing it against the ground. There had been the sound of chirping birds, and when the smoke cleared, there was a hole in the steel shutters and Kakashi was gone.

"No. No I would not. On a completely unrelated note, all surveillance video of the incident has been lost. My most sincere apologies."

XxX

"Get Arima in here."

"Sir, he's on a long-term mission - "

"I said. Get. Arima. In here."

XxX

"That didn't go so well," Amon commented to Mado.

Mado sipped from his cup of coffee. "No, it did not. He was obviously toying with us. We all walked away practically unharmed, with only minor bruises and scratches."

"So... plan A didn't work. Time for plan B? We have a plan B, correct?"

"Of course we have a plan B," Shinohara said soothingly. "We need to - "

"New plan," Mado announced. "In light of the new information, I think I know how to defeat Kakashi."

"Oh? How?" Shinohara inquired.

"Kakashi will not be lured by us, probably ever again. We've betrayed him and lost his trust," Mado stared into his cup of coffee. "However, we know that he likes women. It just so happens that I know someone."

Shinohara's eyes widened. "You don't mean... her?!"

Mado nodded. "She can seduce him. It will work. He won't suspect a thing."

Amon glanced between the two of them. "Who?"

"My daughter," Mado said. "Akira Mado."

Chapter Text

Kakashi gazed silently at the computer in front of him. Once again, like any good shinobi, he was back in the library, using one of their free computers.

He couldn't believe just how simple it was to do some intelligence gathering. Back in the Elemental Nations, in order to find out information on the enemy, spies had to be painstakingly put in place months ahead of time. It was something that only the ANBU could do - not because they were stronger than normal shinobi but rather it was because they needed to abandon their identity and self for years at a time. Spies lived under the constant threat of their cover ID being blown - the stress could easily get to someone who had not gone through specialized ANBU training.

Even after a spy had successfully infiltrated the enemy, they still needed a reliable and secure method to deliver their information back to headquarters. If they were lucky, they had summons. If they weren't... then they got creative. Messenger hawks, discrete messages in the forms of flowers, "accidentally" starting a bar fight with a fellow Konoha shinobi and once they were down on the ground you whisper into their ear, and so on.

Bottom line was, months of painstaking hard, tedious - and often lethal - work was needed in order to acquire intelligence.

In the Elemental Nations, that is.

In this world, they had social media.

CCG SENDING THEIR BEST INVESTIGATORS TO 20TH WARD

CCG TAKING HEAVY ACTION AGAINST NEW GHOUL ON THE SCENE

EXPERT SPEAKS ON KAKASHI: INSANITY, OR GENIUS?

SHOULD YOU BE ASHAMED THAT YOU'RE ATTRACTED TO A, QUITE FRANKlY, FLAMING HOT GHOUL -

Kakashi blinked. Oh gods, what?! He quickly left that tab and scrolled over to a new one.

KAKASHI: TO KILL, TO TORTURE, OR TO MAIM?

Damn. He hadn't caused this much public mayhem and chaos since... well, ever.

He had been a good shinobi, after all. Most of his covert operations had stayed that: covert.

In any case...

Kakashi rubbed his chin. While he would love to go play with the CCG a little more tomorrow, he had more pressing matters to attend to.

While he wasn't completely certain that humans were the only things ghoul could consume, the evidence did point to that. Which meant, it was entirely possible that there were good ghouls out there that were being hunted simply because of what they were.

He needed to hear out their side of the story. He hadn't even seen another ghoul yet.

Who knew, they might be the Jinchuuriki-equivalent of this world.

But that was for a later time. For now...

Kakashi giggled as he opened up a new tab, turning on incognito mode. He had heard some great things about the Internet - great things indeed.

"Sir - SIR! THIS IS A LIBRARY! THERE ARE KIDS AROUND! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WATCHING?!"

XxX

"The plan, my dear comrades, is simple," Mado grinned at everyone.

Nearly everyone from the 20th Ward CCG Center was there, from the Rapid Response Teams to the analysts to the snipers.

"First," Mado widened his left eye. Only his left eye. "We have my daughter seduce Kakashi and lure him into a covert CCG facility. It's owned by a shell company, so he shouldn't be suspicious."

"I... haven't agreed to anything yet," Akira said slowly.

"Aww please? You know there's no way I can get authorization for a female CCG Investigator to seduce a ghoul."

Amon blinked. "Wait, you don't mean - "

Mado nodded. "Indeed. As of now, Akira here isn't in her capacity as an Investigator, but rather a freelance agent."

"That seems..." Amon frowned. "Illegal."

"It's not," Shinohara supplied helpfully. "Morally and ethically dubious? Yes. But it's completely legal."

"At any rate, after Kakashi is lured inside, we block off the entrance with reinforced titanium shutters," Mado continued. "And that's when we strike. In order to neutralize Kakashi, we need to first understand what it is that makes him so strong. Shinohara-san?"

"His speed."

"Precisely. Kakashi is fast, but once we take out his speed..." Mado chuckled. "It will be a simple matter to take him down."

"How, though?" A random analyst called out. "How are we supposed to take out his speed when we can't even touch him?"

Mado smiled. "Gas."

"Gas?"

Mado nodded. "Specifically, the prototype: Control RC Gas Grenade. It's still in testing stages, but it works well. It should definitely impair his movement speed and agility. It works similarly to RC Suppressant."

There was a muttering of agreement around the room. RC Suppressant had already been proven to be quite effective. It slowed down a ghoul, made them vulnerable to normal knife attacks, removed their ability to use their kagune, and lessened their regeneration.

"While it won't slow him down by a lot, it will be enough. Shinohara-san, Amon-kun, and Suzuya-san shall then work alongside me to take him out," Mado tilted his head. "Any questions?"

"What do we do?" A Rapid Response Team member called out.

"You sit back and do nothing," Mado shrugged. "We already know that you all can't do anything against Kakashi."

"Oh."

"Yup. So that's the plan. Let's - "

"I still haven't agreed yet," Akira called out, slightly annoyed.

Mado frowned. "Please?"

"What will you give me?"

"What do you want?"

Akira's reply was immediate and blunt. "Your books. I want them out of the house."

Mado winced. "Wait, Akira, please - "

"No," Akira leveled him with an icy stare. "I want. Them. Gone."

Mado pleaded silently with her with his eyes, but she wouldn't relent. After a while, he sighed in despair. "Fine."

Akira paused. "Actually, no. It's not enough to get them out of the house. Give them all to me; I need to burn them."

"WHYYY?!"

"Because they're filthy," Akira glared before turning to the nearest analyst, who gulped in fear. "Now, if I'm going to seduce Kakashi, I need new clothes. What's my budget?"

XxX

"So... where's Kakashi?" The analyst tapped on his mechanical keyboard, his fingers dancing over the lubed linear switches. The buttery smooth keys were frictionless - there were absolutely no scratches or adverse feelings at all. The stabilizers were modified, resulting in a delightful sound.

"No idea. No sightings yet."

"Huh."

XxX

"Take one down, pass it around, 99 bottles of beer on the wall~"

"Take one down, pass it around, 98 bottles of beer on the wall~"

"Take one down, pass it around, 97 bottles - "

"GOD DAMN IT SHUT UP ALREADY! I know it's boring, waiting for Kakashi to show up, but please! Show some professionalism!"

XxX

"This... this can't be right," Mado frowned, tapping his foot against the ground rapidly. He stared at the wall-mounted television.

"Where is Kakashi?" Amon asked.

"Maybe he decided to do the smart thing and lay low for a while?" Shinohara suggested.

"No... that's not it," Mado bit down on his nail, thinking furiously.

"Your intuition?"

"Yeah."

Amon scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion. "Intuition?"

Shinohara nodded. "Mado-san's intuition is legendary among the CCG elites. We had to ban him from every gambling game because of it."

Mado chuckled. "You all still owe me 80,000 yen, by the way." Then he glared up at the television. "Kakashi, what are you planning?" he muttered.

XxX

"Apparently Kakashi won't be showing up today," Shinohara announced. "However, we must not let our guards down. It's entirely possible that this time, he'll strike at night. Stay alert, everyone."

XxX

"Yes!" Touka grinned at Yoshimura. "Finally, a whole day without any Kakashi!"

"Indeed," Yoshimura straightened several jars of coffee beans. "Given how Kakashi hadn't appeared anywhere today, I presume that he's lying low - at least, until things have cooled down somewhat."

"I'd rather him never come back. Shitty Kakashi, attracting all the high-ranking Doves over here."

Yoshimura smiled. "Look on the bright side. At least the Doves are holed up in their Center, trying to track down Kakashi. They're not causing any trouble for us."

"What's even worse is the ghouls that he attracted," Touka groused. "Every insane, powerful ghoul in all of Japan is making their way over - if they're not already here."

"There are a lot of interested parties at play here," Yoshimura agreed. "Fortunately, I've been able to keep them from doing anything too... conspicuous, so to speak."

"Good thing you did. If those ghouls do what they normally do in their own Wards, then the 20th Ward wouldn't be the safe haven for ghouls but rather an all-out burning battlefield," Touka narrowed her eyes. "And it's all because of this Kakashi."

"I'm surprised he didn't try to make contact with us yet," Yoshimura said. "My contacts say that he hasn't met up with any of them either. In fact, not a single ghoul has seen or heard of Kakashi before the day he attacked the Center - quite an accomplishment. It's as if he's a ghost."

"Well, he should've stayed a ghost," Touka muttered. "The 20th Ward has been in utter chaos since he showed up. I'd love to just punch him in the face."

"That's rather harsh, don't you think?"

Touka scoffed. "Harsh? He deserves a lot worse - " She froze before spinning around and looking at the person who had spoken.

Kakashi sat at a table, absently leafing through the menu. He looked up and eye-smiled. "Good evening."

Yoshimura inclined his head. "Good evening," he replied politely. "You must be Kakashi. I am Yoshimura, and this is Touka."

Touka tensed up as her kakugan flared, her eyes becoming red-and-black. "You," she hissed. "What are you doing here?" And yet, even with all the anger in her voice, she couldn't keep out the slight hint of fear.

Kakashi merely waved her off. "Maa, I heard that you guys made the best coffee in town. And after what I've just done..." he shuddered slightly. "I need coffee. Even if I can't drink it, the scent of it is enough."

"You can't drink it?" Yoshimura asked while walking behind the counter and beginning to boil some water. "What do you mean?"

Kakashi paused. "You know. Ghouls can't eat any human food."

"That... doesn't apply to coffee," Yoshimura said slowly, bemusement creeping into his tone.

Kakashi straightened up immediately. "You mean to say that ghouls can drink coffee?"

"Why yes. Didn't you know?" Yoshimura inquired.

"No. No I did not."

Touka scoffed. "Figures. So, what have you just done that requires coffee? Did you completely upset the delicate power balance of the 20th Ward? Attract Doves strong enough that they would cut apart most of the ghouls in the 20th Ward apart with ease? Perhaps humiliate the CCG and make them look like idiots?"

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Nope! But thanks for reminding me; I'll do those all tomorrow - "

Touka flung her hands into the air.

" - but to answer your question, this entire day, I've been trying to..." Kakashi's eyes unfocused.

XxX

"WORK, DAMN IT, WORK!" Kakashi yelled, repeatedly slapping the paper seal.

It gave off a few feeble sparks of light before exploding once more.

"DEAR KAMI, SAGE, AND THE HOLY LOG!" Kakashi took a deep calming breath that did absolutely nothing for his mental state. "Alright. I can do this." He took out another piece of paper. "Attempting to recreate the Hiraishin. Test 852."

And he began to painstakingly draw the Hiraishin seal once more.

XxX

"Let's just say that I tried to recreate a... transportation technique," Touka and Yoshimura unconsciously edged away from Kakashi as he began to emit some Killing Intent. Then he eye-smiled, and the feeling vanished. "I did, however, read three more books - although they're less books and more works of art."

Yoshimura set down a cup of coffee in front of Kakashi before sitting down across from him. "I suppose I must thank you for not doing anything today. If you had attacked the CCG one more time, I think they very well could have sent for international help. And that would result in a disaster."

Kakashi hummed. "I could take them."

"But we can't, Kakashi-san," Yoshimura's kakugan activated as he stared dangerously at Kakashi. "You have placed the occupants of the 20th Ward in grave danger."

"Oh?" Kakashi raised his left eyebrow. "I would have thought that, since all of the CCG is focused on finding and taking me down, you guys would be in less danger."

Yoshimura inclined his head. "A fair argument. So now, tell me, Kakashi, what is it that you want? Because I know you didn't come to Anteiku just for the coffee."

Kakashi glanced at Yoshimura as he lifted the cup to his lips. He hesitantly took a sip - and then froze in shock. "This coffee... it tastes... it tastes like real coffee."

"What an astute observation!" Touka said scornfully. "What are you going to say next, that just because I'm correct doesn't mean I'm right?"

Kakashi ignored her. He took another sip, savoring the taste. He honestly didn't like coffee very much - whereas the average T&I agent practically worshipped coffee - but he could tell when it was brewed exceptionally well. And the coffee he was currently drinking... it was top-tier, without a doubt.

It was delicious.

Yoshimura watched him closely. "How have you never known that ghouls could drink coffee? It's the only food that humans and ghouls alike could consume."

"I'm still pretty new to being a ghoul," Kakashi said distractedly as he took another sip. It took him a moment to realize that Touka and Yoshimura were staring at him, their confusion evident. "What?"

"New to being a ghoul?" Yoshimura repeated. "What do you mean by that?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I was human just a few days ago."

"Liar!" Touka immediately accused. "A human becoming a ghoul... that's impossible."

"And yet, here I am," Kakashi responded cheerfully.

"How?" Yoshimura scanned him up and down. "Surgery, perhaps? Theoretically, ghoul organs implanted into a human may give him characteristics similar to a ghoul."

"I'm not too sure on the specifics," Kakashi really didn't. Had it been intentional by Kaguya? Or was it just a result of his body getting messed up in the inter-dimensional transit? He had no idea. "All I know is that one day, I woke up as a ghoul." He paused. "Although I didn't discover that I was a ghoul until I walked through those RC Scanners in the CCG Center. Man, that had been a surprise."

"Wait, so you're saying that you attacked the CCG Center. . . by accident?!" Touka asked incredulously.

"Now, attack is such a strong word. I defended myself; I tried to resolve things peacefully, but they weren't in the diplomatic mood. Everything I did was self-defense."

"Including everything that happened afterwards?" Yoshimura asked dryly.

Kakashi grinned. "And that's when I plead the Fifth."

"... we're in Japan. The Fifth doesn't apply here," Touka said.

"Really? Strange," Kakashi shrugged. "Well, all I can say is that playing with the CCG is extremely amusing." He eye-smiled. "I suggest you try it."

Yoshimura smiled back. "I don't think I will." A strong Killing Intent suddenly filled the room. Kakashi's eyebrows rose in mild interest. The old man in front of him was strong. "Now then, Kakashi. I think it's time we have a... talk."

"That's... what we've been doing."

Yoshimura sighed but forged on ahead. "Kakashi, you have caused quite a lot of mayhem and chaos in the past three days."

"I haven't had this much fun in years," Kakashi grinned.

Yoshimura blinked. "And that is your motive? To have fun?"

Kakashi nodded. "Yup. This is like a vacation to me." No Akatsuki. No Madara. No Great Fourth Shinobi War.

"What? Are you insane?!" Whatever composure Touka had previously, it was all gone, instead replaced by a disbelieving fury. "You rained down hell on the CCG and made lives more difficult for thousands of ghouls - just for fun?!"

Kakashi tilted his head. "Is there a problem?"

Touka was at a complete loss for words.

"There is indeed a problem," Yoshimura took over. "I must ask you to cease your current line of action. Please, do not aggravate the CCG any more. For the sake of the ghouls in the 20th Ward, I ask you to stop."

"Maa, now that's where the problem is," Kakashi leaned forward. "Tell me, Yoshimura-san. Are you a monster?"

Touka drew in a sharp breath before opening her mouth angrily, but Yoshimura raised his hand and she stopped. "A monster?" Yoshimura gazed coldly at Kakashi. "What do you mean by that?"

"For you see, I'm still rather new to this human-ghoul conflict. You can call me a... foreigner, if you wish. According to the CCG, ghouls are monsters. They have no feelings, they have no compassion and empathy. They look like humans, but they have no moral qualities, and simply exist to bring pain and suffering and death to humans." Kakashi stared at Yoshimura, dead serious. "So tell me, Yoshimura-san. Are you a monster?"

Yoshimura was silent for a moment. "Kakashi-san. The CCG, quite frankly, lacks intelligent thought."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows.

"Ghouls have no feelings? No compassion, no empathy?" Yoshimura narrowed his eyes. "Please. We feel just as much as humans do. More, in some cases. We eat humans because there is nothing else that we can eat. We don't have a choice in the matter."

"And so you use that as justification for killing humans?" Kakashi asked curiously. "To go out there and cause endless heartbreak and despair?"

"We - " Yoshimura began but was cut off by Touka.

"Kill humans?" Touka snarled. "You're delusional."

"Touka - "

"No!" Touka glared viciously at Kakashi. "You know nothing. Go out there and cause endless heartbreak and despair? Don't make me laugh. Why would we want to do that? I don't know what you are - human or ghoul - but clearly, you're fucking brain damaged. We just wish to live peacefully. But we can't, just because we're ghouls."

"No, I'm pretty sure it's because you kill - "

"WE DON'T KILL!" Touka breathed deeply. "I can't speak for every ghoul out there, but here at Anteiku, we don't kill. We eat humans that are already dead - suicide victims."

Kakashi blinked.

"But you know what? The CCG doesn't care," she continued. "As far as they're concerned, we're ghouls, so we must be evil. Of course the CCG will call us monsters. They're all idiots. And if you believe them, then you're the biggest fucking idiot of all."

Kakashi stared silently at her.

"If the only thing we can eat are humans, then what choice do we have? We just want to live," Touka clenched her fists. "We don't want to cause humans pain. We're not evil. We're just ghouls."

"I will not pretend that there are bad ghouls out there," Yoshimura said. "There are monsters out there - ghouls that just want to watch the world burn and cook the humans alive. But there are monsters in the form of humans as well. Just look at every war - humans have killed more humans than ghouls ever had."

Kakashi sipped slowly from his coffee. He didn't speak for a moment. Finally, he set down his cup. "I see."

Ghouls were the Jinchuuriki of this world. Hated simply because of what they were. Kakashi chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Touka demanded.

"Maa, it's nothing. I've made up my mind," Kakashi smiled. "Thank you for the coffee."

"Made up your mind?" Yoshimura asked.

"Right now, the issue is that humans do not understand ghouls. They're not looking underneath the underneath," Kakashi stood up. "So I'll make them."

Yoshimura sighed. "Trust me, if it was that easy, I'd have done it by now."

"Oh, I know it'll be difficult. But I have time." The modified Hiraishin would probably take months to complete. "And besides, if I didn't help out, a certain knuckleheaded student of mine would never forgive me."

"See ya for now." And Kakashi disappeared in a puff of smoke.

Touka stared at the place where he had been. "Whoa. He really is fast - the news didn't exaggerate."

"That was. .. interesting," Yoshimura rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "He doesn't appear to be insane or deranged."

"He claimed that he was a human that got turned into a ghoul," Touka said dryly. "Not exactly the picture of sanity."

"You never know," Yoshimura stood up and began clearing the table. "He could be telling the truth - " His eyes widened.

"What is it?!" Touka hurriedly asked.

Yoshimura narrowed his eyes. "Kakashi didn't pay for his coffee."

XxX

How interesting. So that's what the situation was.

Kakashi had plenty of spare time. Changing the entire status quo and uniting humans and ghouls - or at least making it so that peaceful ghouls wouldn't be hunted down... He could do it. This was way easier than trying to unite shinobi nations.

There were no "peaceful" shinobi - excluding the rare ones, like Naruto. But there were peaceful ghouls. Add to that the fact that ghouls had to eat humans, otherwise they wouldn't survive, and a very logical argument could be made.

Kakashi may not possess Naruto's magical way of words that could turn even the worst of enemies into friends. However, he still had methods of convincing people. Kakashi style.

Chapter Text

The 20th Ward CCG Center received an unsuspecting surprise that morning in the form of a man bound tightly in ropes. Nobody saw where he came from; nobody saw who dropped him off. All they know is that a receptionist decided to look out the window because her job was boring, and she saw a large muscular man frantically trying to escape the ropes.

She immediately called over several CCG agents to take a look. They had taken one look out the window, blanched at the strange sight, muttered something about not risking another Kakashi incident and then called over the Investigators. If Kakashi was waiting to ambush them outside, then the Investigators would delay him long enough for the agents to retreat valiantly.

Amon, Mado, Suzuya, and Shinohara stumbled over, dark circles under their eyes. Mado's paranoia had spiked when Kakashi didn't do a single thing the day before, and he insisted on them remaining at the CCG Center all night saying, "Evil doesn't rest, why should we?" After all, if they were asleep when Kakashi decided to do something actually significant, then their salaries would be slashed to oblivion.

When nothing had happened all night, Mado's paranoia skyrocketed to new extremes. Currently, his eyes flickered around rapidly, and every so often he would spin around with a leer just in case Kakashi was sneaking up on him.

It was a pity he accidentally did this to two female employees - a maintenance staff and an analyst. It wasn't the first time Mado would be called in by HR on sexual harassment accusations, and it wouldn't be the last.

Suzuya sipped from a cup of coffee. His eleventh cup, actually. Shinohara had tried to prevent Suzuya from drinking past the third cup, but. . . well, even Senior Investigators had to pee at some point. By the time Shinohara got back, Suzuya was already on his seventh cup of caffeine and was shaking badly enough that even Shinohara didn't dare to get in his way.

As a result, instead of walking, Suzuya's movements would best be described by spasming. Indeed, he was vibrating so much, it was a miracle he didn't drop his cup.

Amon dearly hoped that Kakashi or some other ghoul wasn't out there. For one, he was exhausted after a night without sleep. Second. . . looking down at Suzuya next to him, if a fight did break out, Amon did not trust the kid's ability to aim straight.

Shinohara seemed to be the most composed out of all of them. He smiled in greeting at the agents and receptionist, and he was cheerfully taking bites out of a muffin. Entering a fight with low blood sugar wasn't wise, after all.

"He's out there," the receptionist pointed out at the man, who was still trying to wriggle away from the CCG Center. They couldn't see his face, but they could tell that he wasn't Kakashi.

"Thank you," Shinohara said with a polite smile. "We'll take it from here."

They exited the Center, Mado's head whipping around to stare at everything, his hand twitching wildly as he prepared for an ambush.

Nothing.

Shinohara walked towards the man cautiously, whose efforts in getting away had tripled. Suzuya quickly ran up and kicked the man in a place where no man should ever be kicked. The man howled in pain, curling up into a ball.

"Suzuya!" Shinohara cried, aghast at his charge's behavior. "No! Bad! You don't ever attack a man there!"

Suzuya tilted his head. "Why?"

"Because it violates the Law, that's why," Amon said grimly as he approached the whimpering man who was cowering, trying to hide his face. Amon frowned. Why would he want to conceal his face? He flipped the man over with a foot - then his eyes widened in shock.

He recognized the face. Number eight on Tokyo's Most Wanted Criminals. A serial killer who had murdered nine people.

Shinohara wasted no time, instantly pulling out a phone and dialing the police. A bit ironic, perhaps, but it was the most efficient method to avoid dealing with paperwork, red tape, chain of custody, and shit like that.

Within minutes, the police arrived and took the man away.

"That was interesting," Mado mused, staring at the police car driving away. "Why would Kakashi do something like this?"

Shinohara blinked. "How do you know that was Kakashi?"

"I recognized the ropework," Mado answered simply without any shame.

It took Amon a few seconds to get it, but once he did, he flushed a bright red.

XxX

It didn't stop there. Not even an hour later, another man appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. He was also bound in ropes, but this time around, he had a ball gag in his mouth.

Number Six on Tokyo's Most Wanted. An arsonist and a murderer.

XxX

After that, the CCG surveillance squad, crime scene investigation squad, and laboratory agents were brought in because the field agents had no idea how this was happening.

Fitting in with their stereotypes, the CCG scientists - cough nerds cough - were polite, quiet, and didn't make a scene.

Shinohara had to physically hold Suzuya back to prevent him from hazing them.

Unlike the field agents, they didn't have overly loud larger-than-life personalities. They didn't have any distinctive traits of any kind, actually.

They did their job, and that was it. No adrenaline. No shouting. No fighting. No life-or-death situation. No stress.

Or so the field agents thought.

XxX

Number Four. A serial killer that targeted children.

XxX

"I WANT CAMERAS SET UP! EVERY ANGLE NEEDS TO BE COVERED! NO BLIND SPOTS! MAKE SURE TO VIEW THE STILL FRAMES! FIND OUT HOW KAKASHI IS DOING THIS!"

"SIR YES SIR!"

XxX

Number Five. Another murderer.

XxX

"HOW IN THE NAME OF SCIENCE IS THIS EVEN POSSIBLE?! WE SAW NOTHING. WE VIEWED IT FRAME BY FRAME. THERE WAS NOTHING ONE FRAME, AND THE NEXT FRAME, THE CRIMINAL WAS THERE! HOW?!"

XxX

Number Seven. A murderer, kidnapper, and tax fraudster.

XxX

"THERMAL IMAGING SQUAD! PLEASE TELL ME YOU FOUND SOMETHING. I HAD TO SPEND A GOOD CHUNK OF OUR BUDGET ACQUISITIONING A THERMAL IMAGING CAMERA."

"NOTHING, SIR! THERE'S NOTHING!"

"JESUS CHRIST WERE THE LAWS OF PHYSICS REPEALED WHEN I WASN'T LOOKING?"

"DON'T KNOW, SIR!"

XxX

Number Three. A murderer.

XxX

Number Nine. Another murderer with ties to the Yakuza.

XxX

Number Two. Serial rapist and murderer.

XxX

"Should we... help?" Amon asked helplessly, gesturing at the scene.

They were curled up in balls, crying and shaking like leaves in a violent hurricane. Several were asking for their mommies. Others were asking for their teddy bears - or periodic tables, or whatever the hell they slept with.

"Physics... why have thee betrayed me?!"

"Nah," Mado shrugged. "Nothing we could do."

Suzuya, for his part, had escaped Shinohara and was bullying the agents, much to Shinohara's despair. By the smile on his face, the kid was enjoying himself.

Psycho-kid indeed.

XxX

And finally, just as the sun began to set, Number One. Serial murderer, kidnapper, tax evasion, tax fraud, breaking and entering, trespassing, loitering.

XxX

"I NEED TO COMMIT SEPPUKU!"

"I'LL JOIN YOU, SIR!"

"SO WILL I!"

"Do it, do it, do it!" Suzuya chanted, hope shining in his eyes.

"Gentlemen! Control yourselves!" Shinohara rushed out, trying to keep the peace and prevent a PR disaster from occurring.

XxX

Nobody saw where these men appeared from. Rumors began to spread of a vengeful ghost, or perhaps a spirit of justice. Reporters went berserk trying to find out more information of what happened.

XxX

The Tokyo Police were celebrating their asses off. The top nine of their most wanted criminals, all captured in one day. Not a single police officer went home sober that night.

XxX

The four Investigators were flummoxed. They had no idea why Kakashi would do something like this. Was he making a point? Bribing them?

... showing them his ropework?

XxX

Every laboratory agent, surveillance agent, and CSI agent went home that night traumatized, convinced that Kakashi could break the laws of physics on a whim.

When they slept, many of them physically taped one eye open. They had finally achieved paranoia levels higher than Mado, something previously thought impossible.

XxX

Countless mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends, aunts, uncles, and grandparents slept restfully that night, finally finding closure.

They don't care about how it was accomplished. They don't care about who did it.

All they cared about was that justice was finally, at long last, delivered.

XxX

Kakashi slept that night, fully convinced that Genjutsu was overpowered as hell.

XxX

An hour before he actually went to sleep.

"... and after the eight time, you should have seen their faces," Kakashi chuckled as he recalled the mayhem he had caused. "Watching their confusion and bewilderment slowly morph into horror and hopelessness... it just fills me with such a warm, fuzzy sense of nostalgia, you know?"

"You're fucking insane."

"Maa," Kakashi eye-smiled. "Sanity is rather overrated, wouldn't you say?"

Touka glared at him. "No, I mean it. You're sick in the head. Why the fuck are you even here? Shouldn't you be molesting kittens or something?"

Kakashi splayed his hands across his heart in mock hurt as his eyes filled with tears. "Touka!" he cried in mock disbelief. "Do you truly think so little of me?"

"Yeah." came the blunt reply.

The tears dried instantly. "Ehh, fair enough."

"Still though," Touka narrowed her eyes. "What are you doing here?"

Kakashi blinked. "I just wanted to talk."

"You're in my bedroom. Are you a pedophile or something?" Touka paused. "Actually, that would make so much more sense."

"I take offense to that," Kakashi remarked mildly. "I only stuck my fingers up an underaged kid's ass one time."

Touka's eyes widened. "What?!"

"Although I did watch him sleep several times..."

"WHAT?!"

"But that doesn't make me a pedophile, right?" Kakashi asked innocently.

"I swear," Touka hissed. "If you touch me - no. If you so much as look at Hinami, then I swear to god I will fucking castrate you repeatedly."

"That's... not how it works."

"Ghoul regeneration, dumbass."

Kakashi opened his mouth to speak but then closed it a moment after. "Holy shit," he breathed. "You're right... that is, of course, assuming that you could beat me in combat."

Touka's eyes turned red-and-black.

Kakashi quickly held up his hands placatingly. "Maa, there's no need for violence."

"Yeah? Then answer me. Why the hell are you in my bedroom?" Touka demanded.

Kakashi shrugged. "The windows on the ground floor don't open."

Touka blinked. "What?" she asked confusedly.

"Only the windows on the second floor open," Kakashi said slowly, as if he was speaking to an idiot.

"Is the door not good enough for you?"

"Yes," Kakashi said simply.

Touka waited for Kakashi to elaborate. "... why?"

"Because doors are evil and bad luck," Kakashi explained. "Not as much bad luck as a black cat though."

Touka's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion.

"Anyway," Kakashi clapped his hands together happily. "How was your day?"

"Fuck off. Why are you even talking to me?"

"Because we're friends?"

Touka stared at him incredulously. "No, we're not."

"Best friends?"

"... I know I was joking about it before, but are you actually insane?" Touka sighed when Kakashi shot her a wide-eyed innocent gaze. "Look, if you have nothing useful to say, then just do me a favor and fuck right off. I have a long day tomorrow and I need to study."

"Maa, so impatient. Alright, fine. I just came here to inform you that Phase One of the plan has gone off without a hitch."

Touka frowned. "Phase one? Of what plan?"

"The plan to bring peace to humans and ghouls, of course," Kakashi beamed happily.

"... bloody hell, you're actually insane."

Kakashi sighed. "Is this how Naruto felt all those times?"

"And what the hell is phase one? All you did today was capture some human criminals."

"Ah, now that's where you're wrong," Kakashi smiled. "I didn't just capture criminals. I gave the CCG gifts. Because that's what potential friends do for each other, right? Give each other gifts and presents?"

Touka gaped at Kakashi. "Excuse me, but what the fuck? You want to be the CCG's friend?!"

Kakashi nodded cheerfully. "Of course! It is, after all, the best way to achieve peace."

Touka was silent for a moment. Then she began laughing. Hysterically. "Y-you think," she choked out, "that you could become the CCG's friend? You?!"

"Yup."

"How? What, are you going to break into the CCG center and force them to become your friends?"

"Brilliant! You agree with my plan!"

"Or maybe you'll - wait, what?" Touka's laughter stopped abruptly.

"To be honest, the main reason why I came here tonight was to get a second opinion. And to know that you support me... it really means a lot to me. Thanks, Touka," Kakashi smiled brightly. "I'm glad we had this talk. Great minds think alike and all that."

"You - "

"Sadly, it's getting rather late. I don't want to get in the way of your studying. I'll be off now. Wish me luck!" Kakashi gave a two-fingered salute.

"Kakashi, no!"

But he was already gone.

To her credit, Touka was only shell-shocked for a few seconds before muttering a quick "fucking hell" before sitting back down and opening her textbook again.

A knock sounded from her door. "Touka?" Yoshimura called through the door. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah! Everything is just peachy - wait, why the hell are there leaves scattered in my room?"

XxX

Mado turned his head suddenly and sniffed the air.

"Is there something wrong?" Amon asked in concern.

"My intuition..." Mado muttered.

Shinohara was instantly alert. "What is it telling you?"

Mado was silent for a moment. Then an insane grin spread across his face. "It's telling me that we should bring Akira here tomorrow."

Chapter Text

There was a loud crack in the 20th Ward CCG Center.

That crack was the sound of Kureo Mado's remaining sanity snapping.

"You're telling me that Kakashi has a SEP field," Mado said blankly.

"Judging by the surveillance video, yes," a CCG technician answered as he gestured at the screen with trembling hands. "He's literally walking up and dropping off the criminals in front of you all, and none of you noticed."

"So you're telling me," Mado began slowly, "That he could be right here, with us at this very moment, and we wouldn't know?"

"Yes," the technician looked pale. "Sir, I don't know how we're supposed to fight this. This is supposed to be impossible."

"I see," Mado nodded, rubbing his chin. Then he blurred, whirling around and punching the open space behind him. He frowned when nothing happened.

"Umm, sir?"

"Just checking," Mado said idly, sniffing the air like a bloodhound. "Well then, thank you for this information. HQ already knows, I assume?" The technician nodded. "Have them begin creating some countermeasures." He turned around and began walking away. "I need to go have a talk with my team."

XxX

"FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK!"

"HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO COUNTER AN HONEST-TO-GOD MOTHER FUCKING SEP FIELD?!"

"PHYSICS! PLEASE! MAKE SENSE AGAIN!"

Shinohara slowly backed out of the CCG Research Laboratory. He had gone there in hopes of acquiring a countermeasure for the SEP field, but judging by the scene in front of him, it was unlikely they had anything.

He made a mental note to book therapy sessions for all the scientists and researchers. From the looks of it, they needed it.

XxX

"Mado-san," Amon began hesitantly. "Are you alright?"

Mado looked up from where he was rigging the door to explode. "Kakashi has the ability to sneak past all our defenses and attack us without us knowing," he said. "We need to be prepared for every possibility."

"What's the point?" Suzuya yawned boredly. "If he decides to storm the Center, there's nothing we can do to stop him. He doesn't even need this SEP field thing - he's just that strong."

"Not to mention how booby-trapping a government facility is highly illegal," Akira pointed out. "But seriously, father. Could you please stop randomly punching the air every few seconds? You've already knocked out two agents by accident, and we really cannot afford another lawsuit. Thank god those two agents were understanding."

"Indeed, Mado," Shinohara nodded in agreement. "It's one thing to have a healthy - or even unhealthy - dose of paranoia. But... well, even we're getting worried at this point. You haven't blinked a single time in the past two minutes."

Mado stared at them with bloodshot eyes. "Blinking is for the weak. Besides, I have eye drops."

"... okay then."

"When will Investigator Kishou Arima get here?" Amon wondered. "The request was sent out a few days ago."

Shinohara shrugged. "Arima was in the middle of a case when HQ called. He'll have to finish his case first before he can come."

"Yeah, well, until he gets here, we're just sitting ducks," Amon clenched his fists in anger. "It doesn't matter how many booby traps we lay. Like Suzuya said, it's pointless."

"Even if the booby trap won't kill - or even harm - Kakashi, at least it'll alert us if he's here," Mado replied before a crazed smile spread across his face. "Of course, that doesn't matter if he's already in here with us... isn't that right, Kakashi?"

There was a moment of silence. Nothing happened.

"No, seriously, when was the last time you slept - "

Amon was cut off when the air shimmered before Kakashi materialized, lounging lazily on a chair.

"Yo!" Kakashi greeted with an eye-smile.

Later on, Amon would deny having screamed. It was a manly shout of surprise, he would insist.

Shinohara and Akira both tensed up, reaching for their briefcases, whereas an expression of undisguised glee appeared on Suzuya's face.

"Maa, I'm kinda impressed. How did you know I was here?" Kakashi asked, looking genuinely curious.

"Lucky guess," Mado murmured. Unlike the others, he didn't reach for his weapon. Instead, he just calmly observed Kakashi, making no outward moves.

"What do you want?" Amon demanded once he recovered his composure. "What are you doing here?"

"Did you like my gift?"

Amon blinked. "Pardon?"

"Did you like my gift?" Kakashi repeated insistently.

"What gift?" Amon scowled. "What are you talking about?"

"The criminals, of course!" Kakashi exclaimed. "In just a single day, I made the streets of Tokyo safer." He nodded self-satisfiedly. "You know, you should give me a medal for being a hero."

"The criminals you caught were a gift to us...?" Shinohara asked slowly.

"Yup!" Kakashi smiled. "Did you like it?"

"It was..." Shinohara struggled to find a word. "Thoughtful," he finished.

"I'm glad you liked it!" Kakashi looked genuinely joyful. "We're friends now, right?"

Amon blanched. "What?! NO!"

Kakashi frowned mildly. "We're not? Hmm... This is complicated. Very well then. What do I need to do to become your friends?"

Amon gaped at Kakashi. "Are - are you insane?"

"You know, humans and ghouls have a lot more in common than you think," Kakashi mused.

"Excuse me?" Shinohara asked, looking mildly offended.

"Well, the ghoul I talked to yesterday also asked me if I was insane," Kakashi explained.

Shinohara paused. "That's fair," he conceded. "Also, if you could please give us the name, age, and general location of the ghoul you talked to, that would be great."

"Not happening," Kakashi clapped his hands together cheerfully. "But enough of that. If I buy you guys ramen and punch you in the face, would you become my friends-?"

"Kakashi," Mado interrupted softly, his gaze fixed on Kakashi. "Why are you here?"

"Well, I got lost on the road of life, and this is where I ended up," Kakashi answered with an eye-smile.

"You have had the opportunity to kill us numerous times," Mado continued, ignoring him. "Yet, you never did; you remained strictly nonlethal. And now, you're here to make friends with us." His eyes narrowed. "I don't understand you. Why are you here? What do you want with us?"

Kakashi hummed contemplatively. Then, in the blink of an eye, his expression lost all traces of levity. "Can I level with you for a moment?" he leaned forward, completely serious. The Investigators' gazes sharpened. "Due to a certain orange-obsessed student of mine, I wish to bring peace to the human-ghoul conflict."

There was a moment of silence.

"What?" Mado looked genuinely bewildered.

"That's impossible," Shinohara said regretfully. "As long as ghouls exist, humans will always be at war with them - "

"Why?" Kakashi asked simply.

"They destroy families and lives and do nothing but sow pain and suffering wherever they go," Amon snapped. "I'm not sure if you missed the memo, but they eat people - "

"Synthetic meat," Kakashi replied bluntly. "Human cloning. Growing humans in labs. Creating a drug that allows ghouls to consume human food. I've seen the technology you possess. It's well within your abilities to do something - anything that doesn't involve hunting down ghouls like animals."

Amon narrowed his eyes. "They are animals."

"Really?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Is that really true? Or is it just the propaganda talking? Have you ever talked to a ghoul before without trying to kill them first?"

"Yes," Amon spat. "My foster father was a ghoul who ran an orphanage."

"See? That's a pretty noble cause - "

"He would eat the children he 'saved'."

Kakashi paused. "Ah. Never mind. At any rate, he was probably one of the evil ghouls, so to speak. But there are also good ghouls out there. You saw the criminals I captured yesterday. All of them were humans. Should I use that as justification that all humans are evil, then? Of course not. It's logically incorrect."

"I see your point," Shinohara steepled his fingers. "However, there is one flaw in your argument. Ghouls are incapable of having emotions, and by extension, morals. All you can do is imitate human behavior."

Kakashi sighed. "Once again, please try to separate propaganda from fact. I mean, it's blatantly obvious what the CCG is doing. They dehumanize ghouls and make everything black-and-white to make it easy for you Investigators to brutally murder ghouls in cold blood without feeling a hint of remorse. Trust me, I've seen it all before."

"So what are you trying to say?" Shinohara tilted his head. Kakashi noticed with interest that he didn't object to what he had said. "That the CCG should stop hunting down ghouls? That we should lay over and let them eat us because they're higher up in the food chain?"

"I'm saying that you should accept the fact that there are peaceful ghouls out there," Kakashi answered. "Ghouls that wish to live a normal life."

Kakashi paused as he recalled what he had seen the previous night. Contrary to what he had told Touka, he did have another reason for going into her room besides the fact that he didn't like using doors.

He had been there to gather intelligence.

Several stuffed bunnies. A desk with reading materials on them. Cute drawings and school posters that hung on the wall.

It wasn't some act. Touka was legitimately trying to live a normal life as a normal human girl.

And if she was like this, then there undoubtedly were countless other ghouls who also wished to lead a normal life. And they were all unable to do so due to the CCG's actions.

"The female ghoul I talked to last night?" Kakashi continued, looking Shinohara in the eye. "You know where she gets her food? Suicide victims. She's not trying to destroy lives or rip apart families. She simply wishes to survive."

"Then you want us to ignore all the death and suffering ghouls have caused?" Amon demanded angrily. "That we should just forget about everything?"

"Oh dear gods, could you please stop generalizing?" Kakashi asked exasperatedly. This was like the Academy all over again, with idiots incapable of critical thought. One of the downsides of being a genius. "All the ghouls that enjoy killing people - go ahead and kill them. I don't mind. But as for the rest, maybe try not killing them and instead look for other solutions?" he drawled sarcastically.

"Even if that were the case, the ghouls would never agree to this," Shinohara told him, once again avoiding the issue.

Kakashi shrugged. "Maa, that's because they don't trust the CCG - and I don't blame them. You've shown nothing but malice and blind hatred so far. However, I have the perfect solution to your problem."

He tilted his head to the side and eye-smiled. "Me."

"You." Shinohara looked decidedly unimpressed.

"I'm a ghoul, after all," Kakashi spread his arms in a grandiose manner. "So if the ghouls see that you're friends with me, then it'll set a pretty good example, don't you think? It'll establish that ghouls and humans can coexist which would be a step towards peace, AND you'll be able to get a good night's sleep since you no longer have to worry about me causing chaos."

Absolute silence.

"Repeat that again?" Shinohara requested tentatively.

"It'll establish that ghouls and humans can coexist - "

"No, the last part," Shinohara said.

Kakashi tilted his head. "You'll be able to get a good night's sleep since you no longer have to worry about me causing chaos?"

Shinohara's gaze sharpened as he stared at Kakashi with unnerving intensity. "If we become your friends, then you'll stop your unparalleled rampage of chaos and destruction?"

Kakashi nodded. "Yup!" he answered brightly.

"It's a deal."

"Shinohara!" Amon gasped. "He's a ghoul!"

"And he can kill us at any time," Shinohara said flatly. "So if I'm going to die, I'd rather die on a full night's sleep. We've been awake for nearly forty-eight consecutive hours now. Suzuya is one coffee away from caffeine overdose, and I'm not so far behind him."

True enough, both Shinohara and Suzuya were vibrating so fast, it was nearly imperceptible.

"And despite the fact that Kakashi is right in front of us, Mado still hasn't blinked in the past five minutes," Shinohara gestured at Mado, who was staring unblinkingly at Kakashi. "Let's face the reality of the situation. Kakashi is easily an SSS-rank ghoul. He has an SEP field. If he wishes to call for a temporary ceasefire, then I say we take it."

"But - " Amon tried to protest but Shinohara cut him off.

"I'm pulling rank on you here," Shinohara sighed. "I know you don't like it, but... As much as I'd like to pretend otherwise, Kakashi has all of us at his mercy right now. I'd rather become friends with him now, than wait for him to grow bored and massacre everyone in this Center."

He turned to Kakashi and bowed. "Thank you for the generous gifts yesterday, Kakashi. We really appreciated them."

Kakashi smiled happily. "It was no problem. I'm glad you saw the light."

"Is there anything you need?" Shinohara asked politely.

Kakashi snapped his fingers. "As a matter of fact, yes. Friends do each other favors, right?"

"Right..." Shinohara nodded slowly.

"Then... well, it's kinda embarrassing to ask..." Kakashi demurely placed a hand on his cheek. "But... umm..."

Amon sighed, already prepared for the insane ghoul in front of them to ask for porn manga -

"I'm hungry."

They all froze.

"I'm sorry?" Shinohara asked hesitantly.

"I've been able to resist the hunger so far, but... well, it's starting to get really painful. Kinda irritating, not gonna lie," Kakashi shrugged nonchalantly. "So if you guys could hit me up with some human meat, that would be great."

The Investigators exchanged wary looks as they were suddenly reminded of the painful fact that no matter how bright and cheerful Kakashi was, he was still a ghoul who consumed human flesh.

"I'll fill out an acquisition form," Shinohara said even as they all backed away slowly from Kakashi.

Kakashi merely beamed at them. "Thank you!"

XxX

"What the hell was that?!" Amon demanded once Kakashi left to introduce himself to the rest of the Center. Screams of terror began sounding off in the distance. "Why are we entering an - an alliance with Kakashi-?"

"Keep your voice down," Shinohara said quietly. "And we're not entering an alliance."

Amon blinked. "We're not?"

"Of course we're not, my dear Amon," Mado giggled. "The moment we get the opportunity, we're going to stab him in the back. Wait until he lets his guard down, then exterminate him. Well done, Shinohara. You just presented us with a golden opportunity."

Shinohara inclined his head, smiling. "Indeed."

"Huh," Amon looked abashed. "Sorry for doubting you, Shinohara."

"No worries," Shinohara waved him off. "I admit, the deception leaves a bad taste in my mouth... but, he is a ghoul. No ghoul becomes as powerful as he does without a body count numbering in the hundreds. Perhaps peace is possible, but..." He paused, his expression becoming thoughtful for a moment before he shook his head. "No, forget it."

"Now then, Akira," Mado turned to his daughter. "You know the plan." He grinned maniacally. "Go capture Kakashi's heart and make him yours."

"Cringe, dad. Cringe."

XxX

Kakashi stared down at the slab of meat in front of him, frowning in distaste. It was raw and looked disgusting. It wasn't poisoned - he already checked.

With a deep breath to steel himself, he blurred, lowering his mask, stuffing the entire thing into his mouth, then pulling up his mask again. He chewed, expecting a revolting taste but receiving something entirely different.

It tasted delicious.

Damn it.

He supposed if he was normal, he should be having some existential crisis right now, but he was Hatake fucking Kakashi, so he just accepted it without a second thought.

"Hello there, Kakashi."

Kakashi looked up to see a blonde investigator giving him a clearly forced smile. Short hair, green eyes, pale creamy skin. She was pretty. "Yo!" he greeted. "What's up?"

"My name's Akira," Akira smiled at him. "Are you my toe? Cause I wanna bang you against some furniture at my place."

...

Wait.

What?

Kakashi blinked, wondering if he heard that wrong. "... what?"

"Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"

Kakashi blinked again, at a complete loss for words.

"There'll only be seven planets after I destroy Uranus," Akira tried again, her expression completely serious.

Kakashi nearly choked on his spit. He looked around to see if anyone was playing a prank on him, but he and Akira were the only ones in the cafeteria.

What the fuck?!

A thought entered his mind that filled him with horrified amusement.

Was... was she trying to seduce him?

Kakashi was no stranger to seducing ops - he had been on both ends before (don't ask). It was an entirely viable strategy. However, Akira was, quite frankly, terrible at it. It was almost unreal. Though to be fair, it wasn't as if she would've been taught how to seduce ghouls.

Actually, now that he thought about it...

Kakashi gave a mental giggle.

It was time to show her how it's properly done.

Kakashi stood up and stepped forward until he was just a few inches away from her. She tilted her head up to look up at him, painfully aware of how close he was to her.

"Maa, you're kinda cute." Akira didn't blush or even respond with some witty banter, which showed her inexperience in the art of seducing someone. Fortunately - or unfortunately - for her, Kakashi was a master.

Kakashi pulled down his mask and shot her a brilliant smile.

Akira froze before her eyes widened and a furious blush appeared on her face.

"I know a really good coffee place," Kakashi whispered, his deep voice sending shivers down her spine. "Anteiku. I'll see you there at six tonight?"

Slowly, Akira nodded, averting her eyes. "O-Okay," she stammered.

"It's a date, then!" Kakashi gave her one last smile before he pulled his mask back up. "See you there!" he waved before he dematerialized in a Shunshin.

Akira was left standing there, staring after him, a blush still on her face.

XxX

"Did it work?" Amon asked the moment she stepped back into the room.

Akira didn't respond for a few minutes. "A date," she finally murmured, deep in thought. "I have a date at six tonight. I - I need to get ready."

"It worked?" Amon looked pleasantly surprised. "Kakashi fell for it? Damn, he must be one horny ghoul. Good job!"

Akira ignored him, instead still muttering to herself. "What should I wear? What does Kakashi like?" She whirled to Mado. "Father, I need your porn manga to see what Kakashi likes," she stated bluntly.

Mado grinned. "Ah, I'm glad you finally saw the light."

XxX

As they watched Akira leave for the date with an almost excited look on her face, Shinohara frowned slightly.

"Do you get the feeling that our plan somehow backfired on us?" he asked.

"Nahhhhh," Mado replied with a proud, fatherly grin on his face.

"I believe in Akira," Amon said with conviction.

"She wants to get into his pants," Suzuya added.

"Suzuya!" Shinohara admonished with a weary sigh. "Well, at any rate, it's time to report back to HQ about what happened today - "

Amon, Mado, and Suzuya blurred. Amon sprinted for the door, Mado close behind him. A second before they reached it, however, Shinohara blurred as well, appearing in front of them, blocking the door.

"You're not leaving - " he was cut by the sound of breaking glass. Suzuya had jumped through a window to escape.

Shinohara sighed again, making a mental reminder to check up on all the cuts and lacerations that Suzuya just gained later. Then he turned back to Amon and Mado, narrowing his eyes. "You are not leaving me to report to HQ by myself," he growled. "Prepare yourselves, gentlemen, for the worst meeting you are about to experience in your entire life. We are going to face HQ. Together."

For a moment, Mado and Amon briefly considered fighting Shinohara and escaping. However, there was a dangerous look in Shinohara's eyes, as if he was daring them to try.

"Fine," Mado relented with the utmost reluctance.

Amon whimpered. Well, at least Akira was having as bad of a time as they were, considering how she was being forced to have a date with a ghoul. She must be suffering terribly just like them, Amon consoled himself.

XxX

Akira laughed lightly as Kakashi grinned at her.

As much as Akira hated to admit it, Kakashi was a surprisingly good conversationalist. At first, she had been tense around him, but after a couple minutes, she relaxed when it became apparent Kakashi wasn't going to do anything.

He was a hell of a lot better company than all the guys at the CCG. Funny, witty, charming, cheerful, really fucking good looking... It was a pity he was a ghoul, so she had to kill him.

Kakashi was in a disguise, of course. She didn't want him to cause any chaos for the poor coffee shop or its patrons. He had on glasses and a hat - and surprisingly, that was enough. Nobody suspected anything.

"Ah, thank you, Touka," Kakashi smiled at the waitress who brought him another cup of coffee. Akira felt a flash of jealousy, though she quickly smothered it. She was on a mission. A mission.

Strangely enough, the waitress seemed to shoot her a look of barely-concealed anger. Probably because Akira was the one on a date with Kakashi, and not her.

" - I gotta say though, the past few days have been rather nostalgic," Kakashi said reminiscently. "It was like screwing with my cute little students all over again."

"You were a teacher?" Akira inquired, feeling extremely sorry for Kakashi's students.

Kakashi nodded, smiling fondly. "I had three students. Naruto, Sakura, and" - his expression darkened slightly - "Sasuke."

"You didn't like the last one?" Akira asked curiously.

Kakashi was silent for a moment. "I failed him," he finally sighed. "I completely underestimated the extent of just how mentally fucked up he was, and due to my blindness and inaction, that led to him betraying us all and becoming an internationally wanted criminal."

"Oh," Akira paused. "That's... unfortunate." She made a mental note to search up Sasuke on all the world's databases.

"But enough of him," Kakashi redirected the conversation. "Hey, I wanna ask you a hypothetical question."

"Shoot."

"Theoretically, if there was a ghoul who had never harmed a human and only ate suicide victims to survive... what would you do to such a ghoul?" Kakashi inquired, his uncharacteristically focused gaze piercing into her.

"I would kill it," Akira said without any hesitation.

Kakashi tilted his head. "Why?"

"Just because the ghoul hasn't hurt anyone yet, doesn't mean that they wouldn't in the future."

"Couldn't the same logic be applied to humans?" Kakashi pressed on.

Akira shook her head. "That's different. Ghouls are incapable of feeling emotions. They - you - are just animals who operate purely on instinct. You are simply a disease that should be eradicated." No matter how hot you are, she added in her mind.

There was the sound of breaking glass in the corner. Akira looked over to see that the blue-haired waitress had dropped a cup and was now cleaning it up. Oddly enough, the waitress had a furious expression on her face. It probably wasn't her first broken cup recently.

"That's just the CCG propaganda talking again," Kakashi sighed.

"Of course you would call it propaganda," Akira dismissed. "You are, after all, a ghoul."

Kakashi shrugged. "Only for a few days. I was a human before that."

Akira paused. "I'm sorry?"

"I was turned into a ghoul a few days ago," Kakashi said casually, as if he was commenting on the weather. "Don't ask me how; I don't know either."

Akira sighed. "At least come up with a more believable lie, please."

"I'm not - " Kakashi paused. "Ehh, whatever. Believe what you want. Either way, I can see that your mind isn't going to be changed. I assume that your colleagues feel the same way?"

Akira hesitated before nodding. "Ghouls are nothing but a disease afflicting humanity. Coexistence is impossible - only total eradication. What you speak of - peace - is an inconceivable notion. I can't tell if you're incredibly naive, or you're just screwing with us."

Kakashi hummed. "I see. I admit, a tiny part of me had hoped that they entered the 'friendship' with me because they genuinely believed that it could work... but it appears their only reason was so they could lure me into a trap to betray and attempt to kill me later," he sighed.

Akira froze. "That's not - "

"Don't bother denying it," Kakashi drawled. "I'm not stupid. I'm not offended, either. Don't worry - it's not as if it's actually going to work."

Akira inclined her head. "Fair enough." From anyone else, she would've thought them arrogant. However, Kakashi was powerful enough for it to be true.

Kakashi then let out a heavy sigh. "Maa, but it's kinda annoying. I confess, I'm stuck at an impasse as to how to convince you all. Using logical arguments won't work because you guys are dead set on believing that ghouls are incapable of human emotions and empathy."

"Nothing you do can convince us," Akira shrugged. "It would be as if a cancer cell tried to convince a human that it wouldn't do any harm."

Kakashi sipped from his cup of coffee, relishing the taste. His gaze turned contemplative. "I wonder though..."

XxX

"You're telling me... that you entered a friendship with Codename: Kakashi?"

"Not exactly, sir," Shinohara responded. "It's more of a temporary ceasefire while we wait for Arima- "

"Unacceptable," a new voice snapped. "The CCG does not negotiate or show any mercy to ghouls - "

"With all due respect, sir, right now we're the ones at Kakashi's mercy," Shinohara said grimly.

"He could slaughter all of us without even breaking a sweat," Amon added, clenching his fists. "We're completely outclassed here."

"Kakashi is arrogant," Mado giggled insanely. "That will be his downfall. We just need to be patient. Wait for the perfect opportunity, maneuver him into a death trap - and then attack."

"You already had the golden opportunity!" The first voice snarled. "He was right here! Why didn't you just use the RC Control gas grenade?!"

"The surroundings were inadequate," Shinohara calmly explained. "Kakashi was able to cut through solid steel shutters. The RC Control gas grenade requires at least a minute to take effect. In that time, with his speed, Kakashi would've easily escaped, and we would've lost the element of surprise. We need to prepare a special facility with reinforced titanium shutters and walls for a 100% chance of success."

"And how long would it take until construction is finished?"

Shinohara winced. "Several weeks."

"Absolutely not," a third voice declared. "He's already made an utter fool of the CCG. We will call in international help if we have to. Kakashi will be dead by the end of this week, mark my words. We are not going to wait. We need to eliminate Kakashi by any means necessary."

"Sir, I don't believe that's wise - " Shinohara began but was cut off.

"That's an order. If Kakashi shows up, I expect you to kill on sight. Any... friendship, any ceasefire, any alliance is strictly forbidden." The voice left no room for argument. "You're all dismissed."

XxX

"I'll walk you home?" Kakashi offered.

Akira smiled. "Thank you, but no."

Kakashi paused. "If you're worried about me finding out where you live, I already know."

"That's not creepy at all," Akira said dryly.

Kakashi rolled his eyes. "Calm down - I'm not a stalker, I swear. I gather intelligence on everyone who's trying to kill me."

Akira furrowed her brows. "But how?" she asked.

Kakashi looked at her, amused. "Please. Breaking into your databases was child's play."

Akira's eyes widened. "You're a hacker?!"

"Nope," Kakashi popped the p. "I'm just really good at guessing passwords."

She glared at him, to which he just grinned.

"So do you want me to walk you home?" Kakashi offered again.

Akira hesitated before nodding. "Sure, why not."

As they made their way through Tokyo, Kakashi entertained her by pointing out all the CCG surveillance teams. His counterespionage skills were astonishing. Akira had never seen anything like it. He could deduce if someone was a CCG agent with one glance alone.

Kakashi was trained. Professional. Did he work for an intelligence agency? The KGB? CIA?

Whatever the case, Akira doubted she would be able to find out.

"We're here," she announced when they reached her apartment.

"Alright. Good night," Kakashi said.

Akira raised her eyebrows. "You don't wish to come in?"

Kakashi laughed. "Sorry, but no. I have other business to attend to. See you tomorrow!"

"See you."

Akira made sure not to blink, staring intensely at Kakashi. Even then, Kakashi disappeared, moving too fast for her eye to see.

XxX

Kakashi stared at the boy sitting at the counter crying over a cup of coffee.

"Between you and me," he confided to Touka, "The coffee here is good, but not that good."

Touka promptly swore and whirled around to face him. "Sweet merciful Buddha, don't scare me like that!" she snapped angrily.

"Or maybe you can improve your situational awareness." Kakashi dodged the punch she sent his way. "Maa, let's not get violent here."

"I despise you with every fiber of my being," Touka growled. "Why the hell did you bring a Dove here? To Anteiku? Do you want all of us to be killed?"

"Of course not," Kakashi replied. "It's called hiding in plain sight. They're all focused on me, so they would never suspect you guys."

"That's the worst reasoning I've ever heard - " Touka took a deep, calming breath. "Whatever. Just... you're powerful. This is all your fault. So please, don't let them come for Anteiku." Even though she glared at him, her voice had a desperate edge.

Kakashi's gaze softened. "Don't worry. I won't let them attack this place."

"Thank you," Yoshimura interjected. "At any rate, Touka has told me about your plan to 'unite humans and ghouls.'" He opened his eyes, revealing red-and-black eyes. "Did you truly mean that?"

"I did," Kakashi nodded.

"You think it's possible?"

"I do."

Yoshimura's gaze bore into Kakashi. "I see..."

"It's pointless," Touka cut in, narrowing her eyes. "You heard the Dove this evening. She considers us to be nothing but a disease, and I guarantee that every Dove shares that perspective."

Kakashi hummed. "I'm not saying it would be easy. I just need to figure out a way to convince the Investigators that ghouls are still people with emotions and hopes and dreams."

"Well, good luck with that," Touka rolled her eyes. "It's not going to happen. Hell, just look at him."

She nodded towards the boy, who had stopped crying and was looking at them with curiosity and fear.

"Monsters, he calls us," Touka said scornfully. "What a joke."

Kakashi frowned. "What do you mean?"

"Kaneki Ken here was a human up until a few days ago, when ghoul organs were transplanted into him," Yoshimura explained.

Kakashi's eyebrows rose. "You should sue the doctor," he said bluntly. Kaneki blinked. "For what it's worth, though, I know what you're going through right now."

Kaneki looked at him in surprise. "You had ghoul organs transplanted into you too?"

"Nah," Kakashi shook his head. "It was more of a vengeful goddess and trans-dimensional fuckup sort of thing. No doctors were involved, thankfully. But yeah - I was a human up until a few days ago as well."

Kaneki blinked, unsure of how to respond. "Oh..."

"Being a ghoul isn't honestly too bad," Kakashi continued. "I mean, yeah, it sucks not being able to eat human food, and eating humans is kinda disgusting, but other than that, it's not that bad."

"Not that bad?" Despair filled Kaneki's gaze. "I'm a monster now - "

"Oh for the love of god," Kakashi groaned dramatically. "It's not the species that makes someone a monster. It's the choices they make with their life."

Kaneki paused. "That's... actually a really good point. Hey, who are you again? Sorry, I don't think I caught your name."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows before he realized he still had on his disguise. He released the Henge, the glasses and hat disappearing.

Kaneki's eyes widened in shock. "Y-You're Kakashi!" he yelped.

"How the fuck didn't you recognize him before?!" Touka asked incredulously. "Now that I think about it, how did nobody recognize you this entire evening?! Glasses and a hat is not enough to conceal an identity!"

"You'd be surprised," Kakashi chuckled. Some light Genjutsu layered onto the Henge certainly helped. "Anyways, kid - " he froze. "Wait a minute..."

"I'm almost afraid to ask," Touka muttered.

"You're a human turned into a ghoul, right?" Kakashi's intense gaze was focused on Kaneki.

Kaneki nodded. "Y-Yeah."

"Are you psychologically sound? Do you like torturing bunnies in your spare time? Have you killed anyone before? Are you a sadist?"

Kaneki frowned, looking slightly disturbed. "Umm... Yes, no, no, and definitely not."

"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a literature student going to college."

Satisfaction filled Kakashi's smile. "You're perfect..." he breathed.

A half-ghoul, half-human. Someone who existed in both worlds. A relatively well-adjusted individual.

"Perfect? Perfect for what?" Kaneki looked hopelessly confused.

"Nothing, nothing," Kakashi waved him off. "Hey, Touka, do me a favor and look after Kaneki, will you?"

"And why the hell would I want to do that?" Touka shot back.

"Consider it a favor to me?"

"I'd sooner die," Touka growled.

"Maa, that's harsh."

"We'll take care of him," Yoshimura promised, giving Touka a look. Touka merely groaned in response.

"Brilliant!" Kakashi turned to leave, but stopped when the elderly ghoul called out to him.

"Kakashi," Yoshimura began, his kakugan gleaming dangerously as Killing Intent filled the room, the suffocating aura causing Kaneki and even Touka to tremble. "Thanks to your actions, the 20th Ward is now swarmed with the most dangerous ghouls and Investigators alike. This is your mess. Make sure you clean it up."

"I will," Kakashi nodded, his posture completely relaxed.

"And one more thing... if that Investigator finds out that Anteiku is a place for ghouls - "

"Then I'll protect this place," Kakashi cut in, his expression uncharacteristically serious. "No matter what you may think of me, I'm not heartless. Besides, it would be inconsiderate and just plain bad manners to let you all suffer because of my actions." Touka snorted incredulously.

Yoshimura nodded once. "Good." The oppressive feeling vanished. "For your sake - and ours... I hope you're as strong as you think you are."

Kakashi laughed in genuine amusement. "Compared to what I normally have to deal with, this is practically a vacation." Oddly enough, Touka tensed up at his words. "That being said, I'll take my leave now. I just came here to let you know that my plan worked."

"What plan-?" Touka's eyes widened. "No fucking way. You actually forced them to become your friends?"

"Of course!" Kakashi grinned. "Isn't it great? One step closer to peace!"

"God, you're unironically insane."

XxX

Kakashi braced himself as the memories of the Kage Bunshins hit him. Little progress was made on the Hiraishin seal. Damn it.

As he created more Kage Bunshins to work through the night, he thought back to the events of the day.

Currently, there was no way Kakashi could convince the Investigators that ghouls weren't evil. Using logical arguments wouldn't work - it appeared that the Investigators were utterly convinced that ghouls were literally incapable of having emotions and morals; all they do is imitate human behavior. Classic brainwashing and psychology. Kakashi didn't even blame the CCG - it made things more efficient that way.

To the CCG, ghouls were considered to be nothing more than a disease. There was no "coexisting" with cancer, after all. Sure, a ghoul might act human, but at its basest level, it was nothing more than a rabid animal that should be put down. It was only natural to destroy a ghoul.

No amount of logical arguments could convince them otherwise. Logic, in itself, was incapable of overcoming brainwashing and conditioning - except for the most intelligent of individuals such as Itachi or himself. Kakashi had already seen it with his visit to the CCG today - no matter what they see or hear, they would either try to justify it, or outright avoid it.

However, while logic might not work, sentiment certainly could. Sentiment was the single most effective way to break through brainwashing and conditioning. That had been demonstrated with Sai, that had been demonstrated with Yamato - that had been demonstrated with Kakashi himself. After all, hadn't Obito been the one to break Kakashi out of his self-induced conditioning?

Unfortunately, Kakashi doubted the Investigators could feel any sentiment for either him or the peaceful ghouls at Anteiku. He had already burned that bridge due to his... actions, and the Investigators would just assume the peaceful ghouls were putting on an act or something.

Kaneki Ken, however, was a human turned into a ghoul. A legitimately good, innocent human who became a monster due to a single night of bad luck. The CCG would be able to sympathize with him. They would feel sentiment. Kaneki would be the bridge that finally connected humans and ghouls.

He would be proof that ghouls weren't a disease, that they were people with emotions and hopes and dreams, just like humans.

Plans whirled to life in Kakashi's mind, layers upon layers of strategies.

He would give Kaneki a week or two to adapt to life as a ghoul first. Understand that ghouls weren't monsters. After that, he would ask Kaneki if he was willing to go along with the plan. Kakashi wasn't Danzo - he wasn't going to play god with people's lives. If Kaneki didn't want to do it, Kakashi would just create another plan. Something told Kakashi that Kaneki would agree, though.

Meanwhile... To show the CCG that he was being serious about peaceful coexistence, Kakashi needed to hunt down violent, evil ghouls who genuinely enjoyed causing pain and suffering. He couldn't have the few bad apples spoil the whole thing.

Time for some more intelligence gathering. Kakashi created another Kage Bunshin to break into secure CCG facilities to access the database.

After that, he reclined on the comfortable couch, letting out a few giggles as he continued to read the magnificent work of art.

Life was good.

XxX

Life was terrible for Amon Koutarou.

"I used to believe in justice," Amon said hollowly. "If there's evil, then it will be eradicated by good. Justice will always prevail. But what am I supposed to do when justice is just crushed by overwhelming power? Kakashi is a ghoul, yet he's too powerful to be stopped."

"Have faith, Amon," Mado patted his back in a rare display of comfort. "Kakashi will fall. It's only a matter of time."

"Yeah? How?!" Amon demanded. "He fought the entire 20th Branch Center by himself. And single-handedly won. Without a single scratch. Only using his legs. While reading a book. Oh, and he can apparently turn invisible. Even with the RC Control gas, I don't see us winning. He'll have some strategy ready, some sort of countermeasure."

Mado opened his mouth but then closed it.

Amon sighed heavily. "I'm sorry. It's just - It's been a terrible few days." There were dark circles under his eyes, and he seemed to be running on fumes.

"It's fine," Mado said, his gaze understanding. "In fact, let's call it a night. Get some sleep, everyone. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow."

"YES!" Suzuya cheered. "Finally!"

"Oh, and one more thing, Amon," Shinohara spoke up. This entire time, he had been tapping away on his laptop. "Don't lose hope. Never lose hope. You want to know how we're going to defeat Kakashi?"

He smiled triumphantly. "Special Class Ghoul Investigator Kishou Arima is done with his mission. He's arriving in the 20th Ward tomorrow. It's time to end this."

Amon's eyes widened before his face set in determination. "Kakashi will fall," he vowed.

"That's the spirit," Mado chuckled.

XxX

"I hate Kakashi," Touka growled.

Yoshimura glanced at her. "Life truly is unfair, isn't it," he murmured sadly.

Touka drew in a sharp breath. "How do you - " she asked in shock before she cut off. "Yeah, it is," she finally said. "Life is really fucking unfair. I mean, I always knew that, but Kakashi is a giant neon walking reminder of that fact."

Yoshimura inclined his head.

"Why does he get to be powerful enough that he can do whatever the hell he wants?" Touka continued bitterly. "The tightrope doesn't apply to him simply because of how powerful he is. He can play with the Doves for fun. He's free to live his life however he wants."

Every day was like walking a tightrope for Touka. For her to live as a human, every second was spent wondering Can I continue or will I fall? If she made a single mistake that led to someone discovering she was a ghoul, then it would be all over. If she came into contact with a single Investigator, then it would be all over. The threat of death constantly hung over her head.

But it was different for Kakashi. He was powerful enough that rather than walking a tightrope, he was walking on a solid, well-paved path. He had the power she so desperately wanted, but was using that power to screw with the CCG and 'have fun'.

It wasn't fair.

Life wasn't fair.

Sometimes, being a ghoul was shitty beyond belief.

"You may be correct," Yoshimura said quietly after a long moment of silence. "However... he's using that power to help make the lives of ghouls better."

Touka scoffed. "Do you really believe that?"

"Not really," Yoshimura admitted. "But then again, nobody believed that the Owl would settle down and become a peaceful coffee shop owner, but here I am. And I am willing to believe, Touka. Because the alternative is to accept that the most dangerous ghouls and Investigators in all of Japan are now in the 20th Ward, and that it would have all been for nothing."

He turned to clean the counter. "We'll just have to wait and see. And, most importantly, hope."

XxX

Kishou Arima scanned the report he just received. As he read, a smile slowly began spreading across his lips. It was a small smile, nearly imperceptible, but it was there.

Tomorrow would be... interesting.

Chapter Text

"Hey, you're Jason, right?"

That was all the warning Yamori got before his vision suddenly went dark.

XxX

"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL TEAR OFF ALL YOUR FINGERS AND SHOVE A CENTIPEDE IN YOUR BRAIN AND EAT YOUR ORGANS AND - "

Kakashi whistled cheerfully as he patiently waited for the S-rank ghoul to stop yelling threats. After kidnapping Yamori, also known as the 13th Ward's Jason, he had tied him up and brought him to an abandoned building. Yamori's muscles bulged as he attempted to extricate himself from the wires binding him.

" - AND AFTER THAT YOU'LL BEG FOR MERCY AND IT SHALL NOT COME - "

Kakashi sighed. This was getting old. Killing Intent exploded out from him, a terrifying bloodlust filling the air as Yamori felt the metaphysical presence of a sharp edge against his throat. He froze, his limbs locking up as his eyes widened.

"Better," Kakashi eye-smiled. "Now, can we please have a conversation like civilized people-?"

"NONONO!" Yamori began thrashing around wildly. Unlike before, his eyes weren't filled with rage but rather with sheer fear and terror. "NOT AGAIN ONE THOUSAND NOT AGAIN NOT AGAIN NINE-HUNDRED-NINETY-THREE NOT AGAIN!" The wires cut deep into his skin and would've undoubtedly snapped if it weren't for the earth jutsu Kakashi had used to reinforce them.

By this point, the average shinobi would've gotten angry at Yamori for being uncooperative. Most genin, chuunin, and even jounin would've simply attributed Yamori's fear to just him being a hypocritical coward who preyed only on the weak and left it at that.

However, the difference between the average jounin and Kakashi was astronomical. And so, Kakashi examined Yamori critically with narrowed eyes, dozens of theories being conjured, assessed, then dismissed in his mind. Yamori's reaction didn't fit the psychological profile Kakashi had built of him. What could've been the cause -

Oh.

Kakashi mentally ran a comparison between Yamori's reaction and the reaction of several Second War veterans he had met before.

Nearly a perfect match.

There was no doubt about it. Yamori had been tortured before. Not only that, but tortured badly enough to completely break him; to alter his psyche on the fundamental level. It explained his sadistic traits, as well as why he had reacted so adversely to Kakashi's killing intent - his compartmentalized psyche must've collapsed under the oppressive aura.

Oops.

Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck as he regarded Yamori, who was still spasming madly.

"Hey," he spoke in a soothing tone. "Hey, relax. It's alright. I won't hurt you."

As he spoke, he released waves of chakra at a specific frequency that would help calm a person down - essentially, the opposite of killing intent. However, it required an extremely high degree of chakra control, which was why it was rarely seen. Kakashi himself was a master at it because it had been a technique used for assassination by luring a target into a tranquil state.

Slowly, Yamori's breathing evened and he steadily calmed down before he returned to normal, albeit hunched over and trembling.

"It's okay," Kakashi repeated for what must've been the tenth time. "Don't worry. I won't harm you."

"What did you do to me?" Yamori demanded harshly, though he kept his gaze focused on the floor.

"Maa, just some killing intent," Kakashi answered. "I do apologize for that. At any rate," he continued, "who was the one that tortured you?"

Yamori tensed up. "Why do you want to know?"

"Humor me."

There was a moment of silence broken only by Yamori seemingly cracking his fingers subconsciously. Then, he spoke. "It was an investigator at Cochlea."

Kakashi recognized the name. It was the CCG's maximum-security ghoul prison.

"I see," Kakashi hummed. "How bad was it?"

Yamori scoffed. "How bad do you think?"

Kakashi inclined his head.

Ghouls could regenerate from the worst of injuries. There were things you could do to a ghoul that you couldn't do to a human - at least not without a highly capable medic nin on standby, which there rarely were.

Kakashi's eyes flickered as he gazed down at Yamori, refactoring his plans.

Yes, Yamori was a ghoul who enjoyed torturing and causing pain to others. Yes, he was a veritable monster. Yes, he was probably a ghoul who the CCG was legitimately justified to kill.

However...

If there was one thing Naruto had taught him, it was that everyone deserved a second chance. The opportunity to redeem themselves. After all, you never knew when they might surprise you.

"Maa," Kakashi began. "I have a deal for you."

"What," Yamori was uncharacteristically docile, though that was probably because his mind was still reeling from the breakdown.

"Renounce your ways," Kakashi said. "Stop torturing and murdering people. Get your food from the morgue or suicide victims or something. Ask Anteiku for help if necessary. Become a pacifist ghoul."

Yamori looked at Kakashi incredulously. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

When Yamori saw that Kakashi was dead serious, he began laughing, regaining some of his bravado. "Are you stupid? You're out of your mind."

"If I were you, I would take the deal," Kakashi advised.

Yamori's reply was to spit in his face.

A millimeter away from his mask, the spit halted in midair as Kakashi controlled it with his water manipulation.

For a moment, Kakashi was still. Yamori smirked up at him.

Then Kakashi blurred. Yamori choked as Kakashi grabbed him by the throat, released the jutsu on the wires, and slammed the ghoul against the nearby wall with enough force to crack the concrete.

"Here's the thing," Kakashi said lightly even as his fingers tightened around Yamori's throat. "I wish to bring peace to the ghoul-human conflict. In order to do that, I can't let ghouls like you ruin the whole thing. So either you accept my terms, or you die. It's as simple as that. Which will it be?"

Idly, Kakashi wondered how Naruto would think of him if he saw him now. Probably shocked and more than a little unsettled. He had made sure to never show this side of him to his cute little students. The side of the most dangerous assassin to ever grace the ranks of ANBU.

The pragmatic, ruthless, deadly epitome of everything a shinobi should ever be.

"O-Okay! Alright!" Yamori gurgled out. "Fine! I-I agree! I'll do it!"

Kakashi released his hold on Yamori's throat, letting him collapse to the floor, clutching his throat. He retched, coughing heavily.

For a single moment, Kakashi had an indecipherable expression on his face as he regarded his hand. He looked almost... regretful. It disappeared as soon as it came, however, and his customary smile reappeared.

"I'm glad that you agree," Kakashi smiled. "Now then... Do you happen to know where Aogiri Tree is located?"

"What?"

"Where is Aogiri Tree located?" Kakashi repeated. That was the main reason he had hunted down Yamori - to acquire information on Aogiri Tree, the ghoul terrorist organization he worked with. "I need to pay them a visit."

Yamori glared at him. "I'll never tell you," he snarled.

Kakashi coughed. "Yeah, see, this is part of our deal, so..." he shrugged. "You might wanna cooperate."

"It's in the 11th Ward, on Yasakuba Street," Yamori immediately replied without any hesitation. "There's a park nearby - just take a left towards west, then a right, then two lefts. You should see a large abandoned building."

Kakashi blinked.

"Do you need me to point it out on a map? Because I can point it out on a map if you want."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow bemusedly. "No, that won't be necessary. Anyway, that's all I have to say."

With that, he turned around and began ambling away before pausing and calling back.

"Oh, and one more thing. If you renege on our deal..." Kakashi eye-smiled. "I'll kill you." And it was the matter-of-fact way he said it that sent chills down Yamori's spine.

"... noted."

Kakashi nodded, disappearing in a swirl of leaves. Yamori stayed there in silence for a moment.

"Wait, did he say peace?!"

XxX

Kakashi stared at the empty hideout.

"Oh. This is awkward."

Yamori hadn't been lying - the scent of ghouls was still fresh. They were probably only gone for a day at most. However, none of them were here.

Where could they have gone? Did they somehow find out that their hideout was compromised-?

Wait.

"Damn, I must be slipping," Kakashi muttered under his breath.

He knew from Yoshimura that his actions in the 20th Ward had attracted highly dangerous ghouls from all of the Wards. It only stood that Aogiri Tree would come and join the party as well.

"Well, you live and learn, I guess."

Though Kakashi did have to wonder - where were all the ghouls? There hadn't been any news reports of ghoul attacks in the past few days in the 20th Ward. If the 20th Ward was truly swarming with ghouls like Yoshimura had said, then why wasn't the 20th Ward a chaotic burning battlefield right now?

XxX

Drip. Drip. Drip.

Yoshimura carefully poured the hot water into the filter paper, ensuring that there was a uniform steady flow and circular pouring motion in order to maximize the flavor of the coffee beans.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

After the last drops of coffee trickled through the filter paper and into the pot below, Yoshimura set aside the metal pitcher. Taking out porcelain cups, he poured in the coffee, adding sugar and cream where necessary.

The aged manager turned around and smiled. "Thank you for waiting," he said as he set down the cups of coffee on the bar.

A dozen ghouls ranging from S to SSS rank collected their coffee, a few of them muttering 'thank you'.

As his gaze swept across the room, Yoshimura couldn't help but feel the slightest hints of worry creep up onto him. He didn't outwardly show it, of course, but it was still there. But who could blame him? It was as if there was a nuke in the room with him. A highly unstable, volatile nuke that was created by a drunk scientist high on crack and would go off if even a feather touched it.

A ghoul that Yoshimura was fairly certain was from the secret ghoul organization V stood against the wall. He had medium-length dark hair that was parted on the right, and Yoshimura was willing to bet that he was glaring at the Aogiri Tree members from underneath his mask.

Tatara, an SS-rank ghoul and known member of Aogiri Tree, sipped silently from his cup of coffee, glaring right back at the V member.

Noro, an SS-rank ghoul and another known member of Aogiri Tree, wasn't drinking his coffee, though he did appear to be inhaling the delicious scent.

Shuu Tsukiyama, an S-rank ghoul, also known as the Gourmet, reclined in his chair as he sipped from his cup of coffee, humming a classical tune under his breath. He had an amused smile on his face, as if he found something particularly funny.

Renji Yomo, Yoshimura's right hand man, stood behind Yoshimura and stared solemnly at everyone in the shop as if daring them to make trouble.

Enji Koma, an SS-rank ghoul, also known as the Devil Ape, had a serious expression on his face, his normally joyful visage completely gone.

Kaya Irimi, an SS-rank ghoul, also known as the Black Dog, stood next to Koma, her entire body tense.

Ayato Kirishima, an SS-rank ghoul and Touka's older brother, was scowling heavily at his sister.

The sister in question, Touka Kirishima, was glaring back at him, and appeared to be discreetly flipping him the bird whenever the other ghouls weren't looking. Yoshimura felt a brief sense of concern flash through him. Touka had just returned from walking Kaneki home, complaining all the way, when the rest of the ghouls had arrived. And after seeing just who had come... there was no way she would've agreed to leave.

Uta, an SS-rank ghoul and a member of the Clowns organization and Anteiku's go-to mask guy, was smiling lazily as he regarded the room.

A little girl with brown hair, also wearing a Clown mask, was swinging her legs - her feet didn't touch the ground from where she sat on the chair. Though she may have looked like a child, Yoshimura had no doubt that she was undoubtedly extremely powerful, as Clown members tended to be.

However, most of Yoshimura's attention was focused on the last member in the room. She was completely covered in bandages and wore a red hood, but Yoshimura would never forget her scent, her body language, her presence. His heart clenched painfully.

Eto Yoshimura, his own daughter, an SSS-rank half-ghoul, and the true One-Eyed Owl.

Needless to say, there was enough tension in this room that Yoshimura wouldn't be surprised if the air itself snapped under the strain.

"Yamori is missing," Eto said at last, breaking the silence, and Yoshimura couldn't completely suppress his sudden intake of breath at hearing her talk.

"Tch," Ayato said annoyedly. "He's probably torturing someone right now and lost track of time."

"How unprofessional," Uta murmured.

Before any of the Aogiri Tree members could retort, Touka spoke. "Torturing?" she said disdainfully. "You've certainly made some interesting new friends, little brother."

Ayato tensed up imperceptibly as the Aogiri Tree members turned to her.

"You're Ayato's sister?" Eto asked in delight. "He's never mentioned you before."

"For a good reason," Ayato cut in. "She's far too weak and pathetic. Gods, this is humiliating."

"Excuse me-?!"

"Touka," Yoshimura said, his tone soft yet with a hint of steel. Touka reluctantly backed down. "Thank you. I'm sure we can get through this meeting without any bloodshed. I would be rather..." his eyes opened slightly to reveal red-and-black kakugans, "displeased if Anteiku were to be damaged in any way."

The other ghouls tensed up minutely as they were reminded that despite his harmless appearance, this was the One-Eyed Owl. There was an unspoken rule in the ghoul community: whatever you do, don't fuck with Anteiku in the 20th Ward because the Owl will fuck you right back so hard, you will walk into hell with a limp.

(A pity that Kakashi didn't seem to get the memo.)

Of course, the true One-Eyed Owl wasn't fazed in the slightest; if anything, she seemed to be positively amused.

"Now then..." Yoshimura began. "I presume you're all here for Kakashi?" There were several nods around the room. "Of course you are. Well, I'm afraid that I have no idea where he is."

"He hasn't tried to contact you at all?" Uta asked.

Touka snorted. "Oh, he has," she muttered. "Trust me, he has."

"I have no way of contacting him, however," Yoshimura interjected. "He comes and goes as he pleases."

Eto hummed. "I see, I see." She then looked at the other ghouls in the room. "Well, since we're all here anyway... What do you all want with Kakashi?" she asked innocently.

"To shake his hand for the chaos he's caused," the little girl with brown hair in the Clown mask chirped.

"To eliminate him," the V member said.

Eto laughed lightly. "Ah, yes. He's upsetting the balance rather nicely, isn't he?"

The V member practically radiated saltiness.

Indeed, the reality of the world was that the CCG was actually run by an elite family of ghouls known as the Washuu clan who worked together with the secret ghoul organization V in order to preserve the status quo and keep humanity and ghouls mortal enemies. It was a corrupt system of the highest degree designed to keep the Washuu clan in power.

The purpose of the One-Eyed King and Aogiri Tree was to break free of the metaphorical bird cage, lead a revolution against the Washuu clan, and bring peace to the human-ghoul conflict, uniting the two species.

And... well, in the past few days Kakashi didn't just disrupt the status quo - he threatened to obliterate it altogether. Naturally, V and the Washuu clan weren't too happy about this.

"After I finish with him," the V member said tightly, "I'll kill you, Aogiri Tree."

"You can try," Eto's voice was tinged with amusement before turning to Tsukiyama. "So, what does the Gourmet want with Kakashi? Not to eat him, I hope?"

Tsukiyama chuckled. "I'm not suicidal enough to try. However..." he leaned forward excitedly. "You all noticed how his headband is covering only one eye, correct? Perhaps he's a half-ghoul, which would explain why he's so strong." He unconsciously licked his lips. "And if he is... I wouldn't mind begging him for a few drops of his blood."

"Half-ghoul..." Yoshimura muttered. "That's a coincidence. Kakashi mentioned that just a week ago, he had been a human."

The V member and Eto both grew unnaturally still.

"What?" Eto asked, genuine confusion entering her voice.

"A human? Are you sure?" the V member asked.

"I didn't sense that he was lying," Yoshimura said. "And... well, in light of recent information" - Kaneki - "I'm rather inclined to believe him."

The V member whirled to Eto. "What have you scum done now?" he spat.

"It wasn't us," Eto replied, though she sounded slightly hesitant. "I think."

"You think?!"

"Look, the thing about working with ethically compromised doctors is that you can't be entirely sure if they're lying to you or not."

"Ethically compromised - fucking Kanou," the V member growled, slamming his fist against the wall.

"Hey," Yoshimura said dangerously as every Anteiku member narrowed their eyes, bloodlust filling the room. "Not the wall. We just got it painted."

"... sorry."

"At any rate," Eto shook her head before turning to Uta. "Why are you here? You almost never venture out of the 4th Ward."

"To find out what's under his mask."

There was a moment of silence.

"Hey, it's professional curiosity," Uta shrugged. "Besides, can you really deny that you're not at least a little curious about what he's hiding?"

There were suddenly contemplative expressions all around.

"Now that you mention it..." Ayato muttered.

Their musings were interrupted when the door slammed open and Yamori Oomori, an S-class ghoul, stumbled in.

"You're late," Ayato snarled.

Yamori ignored him. "I'm here to hand in my resignation," he said to the Aogiri Tree executives.

Eto blinked. "You're what?"

"Kakashi just dropped by."

Instantly, every ghoul was alert.

"You have my condolences," Touka said, looking genuinely sympathetic.

"What did he say?" Eto demanded.

"He convinced me to become a pacifist," Yamori replied, looking utterly serious.

"He what?!" Ayato asked incredulously. "You?! How the flippity floppity fuck did he convince you to become a pacifist?!"

Yamori paused. "He was very... persuasive."

"What?!" Ayato looked as if his entire worldview had just shattered.

"Hey, can I join Anteiku?" Yamori asked Yoshimura.

"What?!"

Touka couldn't help it. She laughed.

It was oddly satisfying, seeing somebody else get mindfucked by Kakashi.

XxX

It was time to finally end Kakashi.

This was the biggest operation in CCG history. They had practically unlimited budget, access to every weapons prototype out there - even several that weren't supposed to exist - and more importantly, they had Kishou Arima, the CCG's Reaper.

"Are you all ready?" Shinohara spoke into his earpiece.

A chorus of affirmatives came through.

"Good. Let's do this."

Shinohara dialed a number into his phone, calling Kakashi. The day before, they had given Kakashi a specially-issued cell phone to use. They tracked him down to a luxury hotel, and analysts were currently monitoring his status.

The CCG didn't miss how Kakashi was so supremely confident, he had kept his phone on his person where they could freely track him. The message sent was clear. It doesn't matter if you know where I am, because you can't even touch me.

Kakashi picked up after the third ring. "Hello?"

"Good morning," Shinohara greeted. "Could you please come down to the center? We need to have a meeting."

"Sure. I'll be there in a minute." There was the sound of a click, indicating that Kakashi had hung up.

Shinohara blinked as he turned to look at the nearest analyst.

"He's still at the hotel twenty miles away, sir," the analyst reported. "I don't know how he's supposed to get here in that time - "

"HOLY SHIT, ARE YOU SEEING THIS?!" Another analyst suddenly screamed. "PLEASE TELL ME OUR TECH IS JUST GLITCHING."

"What do you mean-?" The first analyst's eyes widened. "JESUS CHRIST, IS HE TELEPORTING ACROSS TOWN?! WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"He can teleport?!" Amon echoed incredulously.

The second analyst typed rapidly on his keyboard. "Wait, no. He's not teleporting - rather, he's moving at extremely high bursts of speed that only looks like he's teleporting."

"Oh thank the gods," the first analyst breathed a sigh of relief.

"He's about to arrive," the second analyst said. "Eta is ten seconds. Prepare yourselves."

The Investigators nodded.

Roughly ten seconds later... Kakashi was nowhere to be seen.

"Uhh... are you sure your calculations were correct?" Amon asked.

The analyst frowned heavily as he typed on his keyboard. "Kakashi was right there, about fifty meters away, when he suddenly... turned back around?"

Shinohara's eyes widened. "Is he running away?" he asked urgently.

"It appears so - wait, never mind, he just turned around again and..." the analyst trailed off. "Okay, now he's going in a completely different direction... What is he doing?"

"Perhaps he's trying to lose a tail?" Akira suggested. "Last night, he gave some indication that he had some black ops training."

"Perhaps," the analyst typed some more. "However, his movement patterns are so strange. There's just something about them..."

"So what do we do now?" Suzuya asked.

"We wait."

"Alright, have a nice day - "

Shinohara sighed and grabbed Suzuya by the back of his shirt collar from where he was trying to discreetly run away. "You're staying. An Investigator needs to be patient."

"But it's so boring," Suzuya whined. "Is he here yet?"

"No."

"Is he here yet?"

"No."

"Is he here yet?"

"Suzuya, please."

"We'll just have to wait patiently until he arrives," Mado said, an eager look on his face as he stared at the doors. "It shouldn't be more than a few minutes."

XxX

"I'm going to kill him," Amon growled. "I'm going to kill that bastard."

"That's the plan, yes," Shinohara said amiably, though even he had lost most of his good cheer.

"Three hours! He's late by three hours! He said that he would be here in a minute, but it's already been one hundred and eighty!"

Suzuya was currently passed out on the floor, taking this time to have a nice nap.

"Where is he right now?" Mado asked the analyst, irritation clearly written on his face.

"He's still moving around the city, sir," the analyst replied. "And he has been for the past three hours. He's only stopped a few times, and only in alleyways and such. But something is off here... His movement patterns aren't natural. It's almost as if..."

His eyes widened. "Wait, wait, wait, there's no way - "

The second analyst looked over and frowned. "What's the matter?"

The first analyst's fingers blurred as he inputted several commands into the program before his jaw dropped in sheer disbelief. "Holy hell," he said, almost admiringly. "That beautiful son of a bitch..."

"What is it?" Amon demanded.

The analyst inputted another command and the image of a map appeared on the large overhead television above.

"So here I was, staring at Kakashi moving around for the past few hours, right? And his movement patterns kept on bothering me - they were too unnatural. And so I had the idea to overlay his movements on a map and..." The analyst pressed a key. "This is what I got."

Red lines appeared on the map above, indicating Kakashi's path.

Absolute silence.

"I can't help but feel impressed," Shinohara muttered. "Annoyed out of my mind, but impressed."

Amon let out an incoherent scream of pure rage.

On the map above, the red lines clearly formed the message:

Black cats are terrifying ;-;

"He's coming back," the second analyst suddenly said. "In a straight line, ignoring all the skyscrapers in his way, might I add."

The Investigators all tensed up, Shinohara rousing Suzuya awake.

Finally, finally, Kakashi appeared in a swirl of leaves. "Yo," he greeted brightly. "Sorry I'm late. A black cat crossed my path so I had to take the long way around - "

"You," Amon snarled in fury.

"Me," Kakashi agreed with an eye-smile. He caught sight of the television overhead still displaying the map with the overlays. "Oh hey, you even got my message." He shivered. "Black cats... they're pure evil, pure evil I say. I don't know why you're focusing on ghouls when those little demons still exist."

Shinohara took a deep calming breath as Mado had to physically hold Amon back. "Now that you're finally here," he said with a warm yet strained smile, "The conference room is on the twentieth floor. Shall we go?" Kakashi nodded.

The Investigators turned around to walk to the elevators. Kakashi hung back for a second, narrowing his eyes slightly before shrugging and following.

They led him to an elevator - which Kakashi refused to enter, instead opting to take the stairs - and they ascended to the second-to-top floor of the building.

"Hey," Kakashi began conversationally as they climbed the staircase. "What do you think mermaids taste like?"

They all paused.

"What?" Amon asked, befuddled.

"That is to say, if mermaids hypothetically existed, do you think they would taste like fish or humans? Would their human half taste like humans and their fish half taste like fish, or perhaps it's a uniform distribution of fishy taste throughout their entire body?"

The Investigators stared at him.

Kakashi shrugged. "Food for thought."

The mythology of this world was rather weird, especially Greek mythology. If Kakashi ever met the Greek gods... he doubted it would end well.

"You need therapy," Akira said bluntly.

Kakashi chuckled. Therapy. What a hilarious joke, just like the freedom of speech or minimum age of military service.

Exiting the stairwell, Kakashi was met with a brightly lit hallway. There was a door at the end.

"Right this way," Shinohara gestured, leading them into the room.

As Kakashi crossed the threshold, he immediately noticed two things.

One, Shinohara's arm was straining as he held the door open.

Two, his instincts began blaring at him.

Kakashi didn't react, though his lips curled up slightly.

So they're making their move, huh?

Inside was an extremely spacious area. Kakashi noted the scuff marks on the floor as well as the dust patterns. They had moved everything inside the room out to clear out space.

The door shut behind him with a loud clunk. It locked automatically. Kakashi turned around to see the five Investigators sprinting away to take their positions. He didn't do anything, instead observing the other two people in the room.

In the middle of the room stood a man with white hair and glasses holding a black-and-golden briefcase in his left hand and a silver Quinque in his right hand. Kakashi recognized him on sight as Kishou Arima, widely regarded as the strongest Investigator of the CCG.

"So this is him?" A new voice called. A large, stocky man came into view. He had on a bluish-black armor that, oddly enough, smelled like a ghoul.

"Yes," Shinohara called back as he too equipped a similar armor in the corner of the room while Suzuya stood guard.

"He doesn't look like much," the man said, unimpressed.

And it was true. With his slight slouch, hands in pockets, baggy clothing, and unassuming body language, Kakashi seemed completely harmless. It had taken a long time to perfect this posture, but it was extremely effective.

"Don't him fool you, Iwa," Shinohara warned. "He's dangerous."

"Right, right."

Kakashi, for his part, simply turned to Akira. "Seriously?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Akira shrugged. "I mean, you knew that we would betray you."

"Well, yeah, but I didn't expect you to betray me not even a whole 24 hours after our date," Kakashi placed a hand over his heart dramatically. "Didn't our connection mean anything to you?"

"Not at all."

Kakashi chuckled. "How cold. At any rate," he directed his attention to the two new individuals. "My name is Hatake Kakashi," he introduced.

"Iwao Kuroiwa," Iwao offered.

"Kishou Arima," Arima inclined his head in greeting.

"Wait," Amon interjected. "You knew that we would betray you?"

"Of course," Kakashi nodded. "I'm not stupid. I just didn't expect you to be so... impatient about it."

"In our defense, headquarters forced us to," Shinohara said apologetically. "Also, I do apologize for the deception."

"Nah, it's fine," Kakashi waved him off. "I don't take it personally."

"You seem rather blase," Mado grinned maniacally. "You do realize that you're about to die, right?"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure about that?"

Mado chuckled. "It's seven against one. The walls and door have been reinforced with Quinque steel, the same material used to build Cochlea. Expensive as hell to do it on such short notice, but it's one of the perks of having a practically unlimited budget." He leered at Kakashi. "You're not getting away this time."

"An interesting hypothesis," Kakashi responded good-naturedly. "I'm looking forward to proving you wrong."

"Ah, ah, ah," Mado raised a finger. "Before you do that... tell me something. Do the words 'gaseous RC Suppressants' mean anything to you?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Oh," Kakashi breathed. "Oh I see." He eye-smiled, looking distinctly impressed. "Well played. Well played indeed."

Mado smiled, one eye bigger than the other, as a hissing noise filled the room - white Control RC gas was being pumped in through the vents. "Thank you. Now... prepare to die."

XxX

"I'm not the protagonist of a novel or anything...

I'm just a normal college student who likes to read...

But...

If I were to write a book with me as the main character...

It would be...

A tragedy - "

"Oh Jesus Christ," Touka interrupted with a groan. "Can you get any edgier? For fuck's sake, calm the hell down."

Kaneki flushed awkwardly. "S-sorry."

"I'm not being paid to listen to your soliloquy or whatever. I'm literally only here to shove food into your mouth before you go attack some innocent humans."

Kaneki's eyes widened. "Wait, wha-?!"

That was about as far as he got before Touka shoved something into his mouth.

"A ghoul's hunger is the worst hell on earth," Touka said as Kaneki struggled to pry her hand away. "If you refuse to eat, then you will hurt your friends. Is that what you want?"

Kaneki stopped struggling.

"Good," Touka removed her hand from his mouth. "Now eat."

As Kaneki made sounds of disgust, Touka regarded her now blood-and-spit covered hand.

"Fucking Kakashi," she muttered. "Whatever his plan is, it better be worth it."

"Where is Kakashi?" Kaneki asked, perking up.

Touka shrugged. "Knowing him? Probably causing chaos somewhere and generally ruining people's days."

XxX

"Wait!" Kakashi called out desperately as the Investigators rushed him.

They paused.

"Oh, did you have any last words?" Mado asked mockingly.

"No, nothing like that," Kakashi reached into his pouch and took out his book. "I was just left on a cliffhanger, you see," he explained. "Are they going to have the threesome, or is it going to end up in flames?" he giggled. "I can't wait to find out."

With that, he began to read once more.

Amon growled but before he could move, Shinohara and Iwao charged at Kakashi.

"We'll wear him down," Iwao barked. "The prototype Arata armor should allow us to match him."

In a second, they reached Kakashi and began unleashing a flurry of attacks. The two Investigators were extremely well-coordinated, their teamwork flawless. Shinohara wielded a massive butcher cleaver and Iwao had a huge shield that could be used both offensively and defensively.

Kakashi's brows furrowed when he realized that Shinohara's speed seemed to have doubled from the last time they fought. The armor appeared to be organic; he quickly drew the conclusion that it was augmenting their speed and strength.

Well, whatever. Kakashi let out another giggle as he flipped a page, ducking underneath an axe swing while he did so.

Absently, he held out his other hand and plucked several knives out of the air without even looking, courtesy of Suzuya. He sent them right back, causing Suzuya to dive out of the way.

Perhaps he should've been more worried about the CRC gas if it weren't for one simple fact: he could filter the air with a clever application of wind chakra. Combined with his mask, which had actually been treated with several reagents that absorbed toxins, and he was confident that the gas wouldn't be able to affect him.

"How the hell did he do that?" he heard Akira whisper incredulously. "How did he catch those knives out of the air while fending off attacks and reading a book?!"

"Maa, what can I say?" Kakashi said as he performed several acrobatic maneuvers that really should not have been physically possible, according to the momentum conservation laws. "I ate all my vegetables as a kid."

"You're a ghoul!"

"I was a human first though."

At that, Arima's eyes flickered slightly.

Shinohara and Iwao jumped back, breathing heavily.

"Okay, what the fuck is that ghoul," Iwao said as he wiped some sweat off his brow.

"He's SSS-rank," Shinohara replied. "He's a different breed from most." He paused. "Iwa," he said quietly. "How far can we push these prototypes?"

"Do you have a plan?" Iwao asked.

Sweat beaded Shinohara's brow. "Yeah. Let's do it."

Iwao nodded determinedly. "I'm in."

They pressed a button on the back of their suits and their armor began glowing a vibrant, angry red, seemingly coming alive. Tendrils swirled around as a red haze was emitted from their forms - vapors of blood.

"Let's go."

They rushed Kakashi once more, and Kakashi glanced up from his book in surprise. Their speed had tripled - no, quadrupled from before.

As he began dodging and weaving around their attacks once more, this time actually having to put in a little effort, he realized something.

I'm... slowing down.

That was distinctly worrying.

Mado smirked. "Looks like the gas is finally taking effect. You're done, Kakashi."

The gas?

"My mask should've filtered out the air," Kakashi said confusedly, neglecting to mention his chakra. "How did you do it?"

Mado laughed. "This is a highly experimental form of CRC gas that can be absorbed through the skin."

Kakashi inwardly cursed himself. Damn it, did he really just make such a rookie mistake? It was embarrassing. Sure, the Investigators were weak, but he should've known better than to underestimate them. And now he was paying the price.

Or he would be paying the price if he wasn't a shinobi.

Kakashi disengaged, leaping backwards. Shinohara and Iwao tried to press the attack, but Shinohara suddenly coughed out blood. Red liquid began trickling out through the chinks in his armor as he collapsed to one knee.

"Shinohara!" Iwao cried in concern.

"It's eating me alive," Shinohara said through clenched teeth. Kakashi blinked at that. "I-It's fine. I can continue."

"That can't possibly be healthy for you," Kakashi remarked. "I would get that looked at if I were you."

"Ironic, coming from a ghoul," Akira muttered.

"This is the part where you surrender, by the way," Mado said with a mocking smile. "Maybe if we're feeling generous, we might spare your life."

"Hmm..." Kakashi tilted his head. "Remind me - what are the effects of CRC gas again? Slower regeneration, kagune impairment, vulnerability to common attacks, and overall just decreases a ghoul's speed and strength by affecting their RC cells?"

"Full marks," Mado's insane smile threatened to split his face apart. "You came well studied, Ka-ka-shi~"

"Of course I did." Any self-respecting high-tier S-rank shinobi would gather intelligence before walking into an obvious trap. Kakashi hummed thoughtfully. "However... while the CRC gas may have reduced my baseline stats, I'm afraid you forgot to take into account one simple thing."

He eye-smiled. "I don't need a ghoul's power to win."

And he blurred out of existence.

"Wha - " Shinohara didn't even have enough to finish his sentence before the world suddenly flipped upside down and he found himself on his back, pieces of the Arata armor lying scattered around him.

Next to him, Iwao also collided with the ground, his Arata armor cracking into pieces.

"Just a small tip - don't use that armor again," Kakashi advised, still reading his damned hentai. "It's never a good sign when your protection starts eating you alive."

"Get away from them!" Amon roared as he charged Kakashi, bringing his club down in a powerful strike. The ground cracked slightly as a cloud of dust went up.

"The bad thing about using such a large unwieldy weapon," Kakashi continued from behind Amon, whose eyes went wide, "is that it makes your movements extremely predictable."

Amon tried to whirl around but Kakashi elbowed him in the jaw, using his momentum to continue the spin and sweep Amon off his feet. Amon hit the ground with a grunt, his entire body stunned by the blow to the jaw.

Without even turning around, Kakashi tilted his head to dodge an attack. He turned around to see Suzuya wielding a Quinque that had four blackish-red tentacles sprouting from it like a spider lily.

"Do you like my new weapon?" Suzuya asked gleefully. "They made it from a ghoul from Cochlea just yesterday! Shachi, they called him."

Mado strode up also, unclicking his briefcase to reveal a grey Quinque that looked like it had paper sticking to it. Amon drew in a sharp breath. "Do you recognize this, Amon?"

"Donato Porpora's kagune," Amon breathed.

"Indeed," Mado grinned. "Suzuya... let's kill him!"

Suzuya laughed joyfully as he sprinted at Kakashi, tentacles lashing out ferociously. The kid was unbelievably agile and acrobatic, leaping and spinning around everywhere. Mado helped with his own attacks, grey tentacles striking at Kakashi's blind spots.

"Die! Die! Die!" Suzuya yelled.

As Kakashi dodged another strike, he noticed out of the corner of his eye that... his brow furrowed. A clone formed from Mado's Quinque? What? The clone quickly joined the fight, attacking Kakashi alongside Suzuya with a speed far surpassing Mado's own.

Kakashi's lips quirked up underneath his mask -

His eyes widened as a tentacle struck his stomach. He coughed out blood, desperately trying to free himself before several more tentacles impaled him in more vital spots.

The onslaught stopped as Mado and Suzuya paused to take in the situation.

"Is it over?" Amon asked hesitantly.

Kakashi's body was unmoving, Mado and Suzuya's Quinques piercing his body in multiple areas. Blood trickled from his wounds. Mado and Suzuya had identical grins on their faces.

Then:

"Just kidding!"

Mado's eyes widened as Kakashi emerged out of nowhere from behind him and placed two fingers on his neck. Electricity arced from his fingers before Mado collapsed to the ground, paralyzed.

"Dad!" Akira cried.

"But how?!" Suzuya gasped, looking back at the impaled Kakashi on his Quinque who was... dripping mud?

"Mado isn't the only one who can use clones," Kakashi informed them merrily. "Two can play at that game."

Suzuya growled as he extracted the tentacles, the mud clone flopping to the floor, and charged at Kakashi once more.

"You're strong," Kakashi complimented as Suzuya hit the ground hard, his Quinque clattering to the ground beside him. "Give it a few years, and you'll undoubtedly be one of the strongest people around. But right now... You're too wild. Work on polishing and refining your techniques."

He turned to Akira, who narrowed her eyes and gripped her Quinque tightly. She made to rush forward but was stopped by Arima placing a hand on her shoulders.

"That's enough," Arima said calmly. "Stand down."

"But - "

"You're not going to be able to do anything anyway. Instead, please get your comrades to safety."

Akira gritted her teeth but complied, sprinting around Kakashi to get to her squadmates. Kakashi let her pass; he would've even offered to help if he hadn't known that it would probably be interpreted as an attack. He didn't want the Investigators to die in the crossfire.

Arima strode forward. "Is it arrogance?" he asked softly.

"Pardon?"

"Giving them tips and pieces of advice as you defeated them," Arima elaborated.

"Ah, that," Kakashi shook his head. "No, it was more of a force of habit. I'm a teacher, you see," he explained.

Arima nodded. "May I please ask another question?"

"Go right ahead," Kakashi inclined his head.

"It's not that the CRC gas didn't have any effect on you, but rather, you have another source of power. Am I correct?"

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Precisely."

His baseline stats had declined tremendously due to the CRC gas. Right now, he was just like a normal human - he had lost all his ghoul powers. For most ghouls, this would be a death sentence. But for Kakashi, who had chakra...

It wasn't even an inconvenience. All he had to do was increase the amount of chakra augmenting his body back to the normal amount he used when he was a human.

He had determined and assessed all of a ghoul's weaknesses after finding out that he had become a ghoul. CRC gas wasn't a big deal to him, which was why he had walked into this trap without any fear. Yes, it had been a surprise when it was absorbed through his skin, but it ultimately didn't matter at all.

After all, the difference between a normal jounin and Kakashi was that when a jounin made a rookie mistake, they died, whereas when Kakashi made a rookie mistake, it often wasn't significant - and even if it was, it would easily be mitigated by his contingencies within contingencies.

Of course, when Kakashi did fuck up, he fucked up big, but little mistakes like these rarely caused anything other than mild embarrassment.

"And what are you?" Arima continued.

Kakashi shrugged. "I already told you. I'm just a human who got turned into a ghoul because... reasons, I guess."

Arima regarded Kakashi impassively. A stillness hung in the air for a moment as they both sized each other up.

Then Arima disappeared in a burst of speed.

Kakashi was forced to leap back as Arima reappeared in front of him with a stream of sword strikes with his silver Quinque. As Kakashi tilted his head past a stab, his eyes widened as his instincts screamed at him. A moment later, yellow electricity arced outwards from the Quinque, striking Kakashi.

Arima immediately leaped back, not letting down his guard. A wise choice, because Kakashi burst into a cloud of smoke, revealing a charred and blackened log.

"Not bad," Kakashi stated as he materialized from the cloud of white smoke of the CRC gas. He snapped his book shut with an audible crack and placed it back into his pouch.

Arima's expression didn't change, though he tensed up slightly. He clicked his black-and-gold briefcase. Black organic matter spilled out, bubbling in the air for a moment before coalescing into a sharp screw. His silver Quinque also transformed to form a railgun-esque device which he pointed at Kakashi.

Kakashi instantly leaped back as a massive black tendril erupted from the ground. Lightning bolts shot out of the silver Quinque, and Kakashi's eyes widened when it curved to follow him. A homing attack.

He blurred around the room, more black tendrils exploding from the floor to pierce him and Arima firing even more lightning bolts from his Quinque. The building trembled and shook and the air became charged with electricity.

"Lesson Number Three. Ninjutsu."

A mud wall adorned with dogs rose from the ground and blocked the lightning bolts, though partially melting underneath the barrage. Simultaneously, the floor rippled outwards, causing Arima to temporarily stop his attacks in order to not lose his balance.

Arima tensed up as he flipped his black lance downwards, a shield blossoming outwards. A moment later, his instincts proved to be true as invisible blades of wind slammed against the shield, pushing him backward.

"Maa, you're actually pretty good," Kakashi eye-smiled. Then his hands blurred as he flipped through dozens of hand signs in a single second.

Arima was already moving even before Kakashi finished his last hand sign. Earthen spikes shot out of the ground in an imitation of Arima's prior attack as water shot out from the sprinklers above, shooting towards Arima with the speed and surface tension of a bullet. A miniature dragon of electricity sparked forward as Kakashi spat a fireball at Arima that seared the air, amplified by a subsequent wind technique.

The CCG's Reaper showcased why he was considered the best. He dodged the earthen spikes and fireball with ease, used his black shield to block the water bullets before stabbing it into the floor to act as a lightning rod for the lightning dragon. A flawless counter.

"Lesson Number Two. Genjutsu."

Without missing a beat, Arima sliced himself on the arm, the pain allowing him to break free of the illusion. No hesitation whatsoever.

Kakashi chuckled. "How did you know?"

"I didn't," Arima replied. "Just a calculated gamble. It appears it worked, however. Do you truly believe in peace?" he suddenly asked, the question coming out from nowhere.

"Of course," Kakashi answered smoothly. "I wouldn't be going through all this trouble if I didn't. Lesson Number One. Taijutsu."

A kunai slipped into his hand as he jumped vertically upwards, twisting around so he landed feet-first on the ceiling and continued running.

Kakashi could've sworn he heard the sound of crying in the far distance with his enhanced hearing, as well as the cries of, "GRAVITY! WHY HAVE THEE FORSAKEN ME?!"

If Arima was shocked by him casually breaking yet another law of physics, he didn't show it. Kakashi engaged Arima in close-quarters combat, kunai against silver blade. They exchanged dozens of blows in a single second, Kakashi having to swap out his kunai several times as they broke underneath the superior weapon.

"So you're genuinely trying to unite humans and ghouls?" Arima spoke calmly, as if they were having a pleasant discussion over tea instead of an intense duel.

Kakashi nodded as he dropped from the ceiling, flipping in midair to push off Arima's sword swing with his palm before kicking outwards, his body parallel to the ground. Arima dodged it effortlessly. "Yup. See, the problem with you Investigators is that you refuse to believe that ghouls are people too, not just a disease that should be eradicated. You only see the world in black-and-white due to the indoctrination of the CCG."

Arima's eyes flickered, a fact that didn't go unnoticed by Kakashi.

"You understand it, don't you?" Kakashi said as he crouched down low to try to sweep Arima off his feet.

"More than you could possibly know," Arima answered cryptically as he jumped over Kakashi's sweep, slamming his blade down.

"Naturally, at the same time, I realize that ghouls also have to stop hunting humans," Kakashi continued. "I'm not going to pretend they didn't do anything wrong. The world we live in is a vicious cycle of hatred perpetuated by both sides. However..."

As he sidestepped past a stab, he smiled at Arima. "The day will come when ghouls and humans truly understand each other. I already have several plans in place."

Arima held Kakashi's gaze for a moment before he nodded. "I see," he murmured. "Yes... that would be nice."

"I'm glad you think so," Kakashi beamed before all traces of levity disappeared from his expression. "But before that can happen... You're strong, easily the strongest I've faced in this world so far. Looks like I'll have to get a little serious."

Then, he vanished in a blur of speed.

"Leaf Secret Technique! Ultimate Taijutsu! One Thousand Years of Death!"

Arima's instincts screamed at him but it was too late.

A deafening silence descended upon the battlefield.

Amon choked on his spit as Shinohara rubbed his face wearily with one hand while covering Suzuya's eyes with the other. Luckily, Mado was still unconscious.

"Shit," Iwao muttered under his breath. "I think the pain is starting to make me hallucinate. There's no way that just happened - "

"Did you just SEXUALLY ASSAULT ARIMA?!" Akira half-spluttered, half-shouted disbelievingly.

Arima turned his head back to level a deadpan stare at Kakashi, as if to say, seriously?

Kakashi returned his stare with a solemn, unyielding gaze, as if to say, seriously.

Arima nodded in understanding. Then, their silent conversation over, he was launched into the air with surprising force, slamming into the opposite wall with a loud crack. Fortunately, he was able to soften the collision by using his sword to absorb most of the impact.

He collapsed to the ground, his back against the wall and his sword on the ground next to him. Kakashi was already standing over him. Arima raised his hands in surrender, knowing when to concede defeat.

It was over.

XxX

"Yo yo yo," an analyst said disbelievingly. "Did - did Arima just lose?!"

"That's impossible," an agent breathed. "Right?"

"We're fucked, we are so utterly fucked," a researcher said, practically hyperventilating.

XxX

"Nice fight," Kakashi smiled.

"... Thank you," Arima murmured before his voice dropped to a low whisper so that neither the other Investigators or cameras would hear. Kakashi himself had to strain slightly to hear him. "Kakashi... if you're truly sincere about bringing peace to this world..." His eyes flashed. "Then seek out the Washuu clan."

Kakashi nodded, filing that name away. "Thanks for the advice." He turned around and began walking away. He stopped in front of the door and turned around. "Please inform your superiors that I will tolerate their betrayal just this once. Next time, however..."

"Understood," Shinohara said, bowing his head. "I-I apologize. We were under orders."

"I know. As I previously said, I don't take it personally," Kakashi said with a pleasant eye-smile. "I hope we can still be friends."

With that, he disappeared in another swirl of leaves.

Well, okay. He used a genjutsu to cover up how he had sunk into the ground to bypass the reinforced door. The leaves were just there for dramatic effect.

He made his way down to the first floor, hands in his pockets as he hummed a happy tune. He exited the stairwell to see a group of assembled agents, analysts, and researchers, their faces pale and terrified.

Kakashi gave them a cheerful wave before making his way out of the CCG Center.

Washuu clan... Hmm, isn't that the family that runs the CCG?

A smile slowly spread across Kakashi's face.

Interesting.

XxX

Despite the CCG's best efforts, it was quickly leaked that Kishou Arima, the CCG's Reaper, was soundly defeated by Kakashi.

Chaos ensued.

Chapter Text

Minutes after Kakashi strolled out of the CCG Center, the CCG Headquarters had quickly issued a gag order on the events of the battle. The entire fight was to be classified as a Class 13 Secret. For reference, the scale only went up to 5. Everyone was expected to maintain the utmost confidentiality regarding the mission. Needless to say, the CCG did not want anyone finding out what the hell happened in the 20th Ward CCG Center.

And naturally, the information was quickly leaked because all the researchers and scientists gave absolutely no fucks whatsoever about Class 13 Secrets and confidentiality and whatnot. Hey, in their defense, they had just witnessed a ghoul break the laws of physics like they were KitKats. Freaking out was understandable.

Of course, they didn't have any malicious intentions when leaking the information. They had simply shared the surveillance footage with their fellow scientists, researchers, and even professors in an attempt to try to make sense of the world again, hoping for some logical explanation.

Unfortunately, no logical explanation could be found - only more traumatized scientists.

Being unable to come up with any reason for Kakashi's abilities other than holy fuck he knows black magic, the scientists did the only thing they could think of.

They uploaded the surveillance footage to the Internet.

The CCG tried to stop it, they really did, but... Well, they only realized the footage was leaked in the first place because one executive saw it trending on social media.

It was an unmitigated disaster.

Approximately an hour after the fight had ended, millions of people had seen Kishou Arima, the strongest CCG Investigator and the Reaper of the CCG, get anally penetrated by Kakashi without consent in full HD.

The public immediately went into an uproar. The CCG's PR department wept with all the extra work they would have to do in order to restore public faith in the CCG.

And if the public went into an uproar, then the more private ghoul society went into...

Well. It was a bit difficult to describe, but it would be best put as -

What the actual fuck?

「」

Touka and Kaneki were completely silent when the video ended.

"Umm - " Kaneki began.

"Shhh," Touka interrupted, making the shush gesture. "Please stop talking."

Kaneki complied, looking at Touka curiously. He couldn't tell what she was thinking - her expression was utterly unreadable.

"He actually beat him," Touka finally murmured. "The CCG's Reaper..."

Kaneki scratched his cheek a bit embarrassedly. "Yeah, but did he really have to choose such an... undignified way of ending the fight?"

"It's Kakashi," Touka said as if that explained everything. "Did you really expect anything else?"

"Well... yes. When I met him the other night, I certainly didn't expect him to - "

"Oh just shut up."

And yet, despite her harsh tone, Kaneki couldn't help but notice the slight glimmer of hope appear in Touka's eyes.

「」

Yoshimura stared at the television. A cup of coffee sat on the counter next to him. It was cold.

"Kakashi," he murmured. "You did it. You crazy son of a bitch, you did it."

「」

"This... may be a problem for us."

"Fuck fuck shit fuck fuck fuck - "

「」

"Magnificent!" Tsukiyama flung his arms out wide, throwing his head back and laughing joyously. "Spectacular! Beautiful! Absolutely splendid! Oh, I need to feast tonight to celebrate this."

「」

Yamori stared at the screen, his face pale.

"Holy shit. Thank god I cooperated."

「」

"Oh? This is quite the development," Uta said, cold amusement entering his eyes. "Perhaps it's time for me to join in on the fun."

「」

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Eto, are you alright?" Tatara asked, his expression calm."You've been laughing for quite some time now."

"I - I'm fine," Eto gasped out between peals of laughter. "He - he actually did that to Arima - " she broke down into another fit of giggles. "I feel bad for him. His reputation must be in the gutters by now."

Then, she replayed the video for the fifth time in the row.

「」

Amon clenched his fists tightly as he walked down the hallway of the CCG Center, a stormy expression on his face. He had just been released from the hospital and had immediately returned to the CCG Center. Fortunately, he had only sustained a few minor injuries; Kakashi hadn't taken them seriously enough to actually do any real damage. Of course, while Amon was fine physically, psychologically...

Well. Needless to say, he wasn't exactly in a good mood right now.

He gritted his teeth in anger and frustration. With Arima's defeat, the CCG had suffered a crippling blow. Now, with their trump card taken out, they were forced to bow down to Kakashi - at least until another plan could be created.

Morale must be at an all-time low. Amon knew that he definitely felt terrible. After all, what was the point of fighting if justice meant nothing against overwhelming power?

However, he needed to stay strong. He was a Rank 1 Investigator, a pillar of the organization. All the analysts and agents and scientists were relying on him and the others. They must all be scared and worried right now after seeing Kakashi's victory. He needed to showcase his unfaltering strength and indomitable will in order to reassure them, to encourage them, to inspire them.

Even in the face of defeat, he wouldn't waver in the slightest. He would keep on advancing forward no matter what.

Steeling his expression, he nodded a single time before he pushed open the doors and strode in with a determined look on his face -

"All praise Kakashi-sama! Slayer of Arima! Lord of the CCG! Connoisseur of fine literature! "

- and Amon Koutarou promptly blinked.

There was no way he just heard that right. Maybe his injuries were worse than the doctors had initially thought.

"He is our Lord and Savior, come to release us from the mortal chains of science and ascend to a higher realm!" A scientist proclaimed fervently.

Amon stared at the scene in front of him in abject bewilderment. "Huh?" he frowned deeply, trying to make sense of the situation in front of him.

The researchers and scientists were preaching loudly with a religious fervour, unholy gleams in their eyes as they continued exalting Kakashi and denouncing the CCG.

"What is happening?" Amon breathed in complete bewilderment.

Shinohara came up beside him, rubbing his face tiredly. "That's an excellent question," he said, his expression pained. "I'm afraid we may be witnessing the start of a new religion."

Amon paused for a second before turning around to stare at him. "What."

Shinohara shrugged helplessly. "You know the saying, 'if you can't beat them, join them'?"

"Yeah..." Amon nodded slowly.

"Well, after seeing Kakashi break multiple laws of physics on a whim, all the scientists and researchers began freaking out. The general consensus was that perhaps they shouldn't be on the opposite side of a guy with the literal powers of a god," Shinohara looked distinctly uncomfortable as he recounted what had transpired.

"At first, we thought they were just terrified, which was understandable, so we didn't think much of it. We had more important things to worry about. But one thing led to another, and by the time we realized that maybe something was actually wrong, it had already resulted in this."

He gestured at the scene in front of him, in which a group of researchers was currently chanting "PHYSICS IS HIS BITCH! PHYSICS IS HIS BITCH!"

"The world's going mad," Amon muttered with growing horror. "The world is actually going mad."

"Au contraire, monsieur," a scientist interjected, appearing out of nowhere, "We simply recognize who's the higher power here. Small hint: it's not the CCG."

"It's not Kakashi either!" Amon snapped. "He's not a god. He's just a ghoul with a few extra... powers."

The scientist raised his eyebrow. "Riigghhhtttt," he drawled skeptically. "Remain blind, fool." And he left, probably on his way to try to convert another agent.

Amon stared after him with the oddest urge to punch him in the face. He probably would have, if not for the threat of a lawsuit, or worse, HR involvement.

"They're going to get punished so hard for this," he muttered.

Shinohara coughed awkwardly. "Umm... Not exactly." Amon whirled onto him, and Shinohara raised his hands defensively. "They've already all resigned - officially, they're here to 'collect their belongings'. And... while it's frowned upon, it's not strictly illegal to announce your support for ghouls. We can only take action if they actually do something."

"Then kick them out! They're obviously not here to collect their belongings!"

Shinohara coughed again. "Well... We don't exactly want to do anything to antagonize them. We're still hoping to re-employ them. We kinda need them, after all..."

"So we can't do anything while they're glorifying Kakashi in the halls of the CCG Center?!" A vein pulsed in Amon's neck.

"No," Shinohara answered with a regretful shake of his head. "No, we can't."

"Unbelievable," Amon shook his head in stupefied amazement. "This is unbelievable - " his eyes bulged with shock and fury.

"THEY'RE BRINGING IN A LITERAL 3D-PRINTED STATUE OF KAKASHI?! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!"

「」

Kakashi hummed a cheerful tune as he strolled up the side of the building. Initial reconnaissance had revealed some rather potent defenses in the building's passages - clearly, the people in charge had spent a much larger portion of the budget on this building than the 20th Ward CCG Center's. Which made sense, seeing as this was the primary CCG Headquarters that housed all the executive members.

Fortunately, he could easily bypass all the enhanced security by just not actually entering the building. Chakra truly was a wonderful thing.

He tilted his head as he brought up the mental image of the building's layout - he had hacked into the city hall's mainframe and memorized the building's blueprints. Well, okay, perhaps "hacked" wasn't the best term to use. A combination of henge, genjutsu, and social engineering would be more apt. After all, the weakest link in any cyber defense was the human one.

Of course, if anyone asked, he would just say he was extremely good at guessing passwords.

At any rate, he stepped exactly eight point two meters to the left, then one point four meters upward, before coming to a stop outside of a large floor-to-ceiling glass window.

A quick earth jutsu later, and he literally melted through the walls, appearing on the other side. He was inside a large, expensive-looking office, with a walnut wood interior, genuine leather seats, and several glasses of aged wine in a display case.

The only man inside still hadn't noticed him, thanks to the genjutsu cloaking his body.

Kakashi quickly strolled around to the other side of the desk, placed his hands in his pockets, assumed an unassuming posture, and dispelled the genjutsu.

"Yo!" Kakashi greeted cheerfully with an eye-smile.

To his credit, the man didn't even look startled at his appearance. He simply glanced up at Kakashi and blinked once. The man was old with long white hair and a white beard.

Kakashi immediately increased his guard upon noting the man's age. Oftentimes, the older one was, the more dangerous they were.

"You're Kakashi," the man stated, narrowing his eyes slightly.

"Aww, you recognized me!" Kakashi smiled. "I'm flattered, I really am - "

He paused as the man's scent finally registered to him.

Wait.

Hold up.

Back the fuck up.

What.

"No way!" Kakashi exclaimed with pure, unadulterated glee. "There's no way this is true. Just to be absolutely clear, you're Tsuneyoshi Washuu, yes? The current Chairman of the CCG?"

The man furrowed his brows but nodded. "Yes. I do not fear you, Kakashi - "

He was interrupted when Kakashi burst into delighted laughter.

"Oh, this is just hilarious," Kakashi chuckled. "I see now why Arima told me to seek you out."

"What are you talking about?" Tsuneyoshi demanded.

"Ah, it's nothing too important," Kakashi waved his hand dismissively before an amused gleam entered his single visible eye. "Just the minor fact that the Chairman of the CCG is a ghoul himself."

There was a moment of silence as Tsuneyoshi regarded him. "Your sense of smell is good," he finally said before his eyes morphed into kakugans. "Now that you know my secret... What do you want, Kakashi?"

"Honestly? At first, I was going to try to take a leaf out of Naruto's book and try to convince you with words. But after finding out that you're a ghoul..."

Kakashi's mind raced with the new possibilities, dozens of plans being conjured in the span of seconds. Hmm... Yes, that would work...

He eye-smiled at the leader of the CCG. "I'm going to have to get back to you on that."

With that, he vanished in a swirl of leaves.

Tsuneyoshi regarded the spot where Kakashi had stood.

"Well. Fuck."

「」

"You are not going to believe what I just found out."

"Did you just discover that the CCG was controlled by ghouls?"

Kakashi blinked. "Yes..." he said slowly before tilting his head. "You already knew that?"

Yoshimura nodded as he poured out two cups of coffee. "I used to work for a ghoul organization called V. The Washuu clan and V have a long-standing alliance with each other, which was how I knew."

"Huh," Kakashi nodded thoughtfully. "And I presume there's a good reason as to why you never informed anyone of the CCG's heavy corruption?"

Yoshimura chuckled bitterly. "The Washuu clan has immeasurable political and financial power that dates back centuries, not to mention the full force of V backing them. And besides, who would've believed me? Unfortunately, there was nothing I could've done."

"I see," Kakashi said before changing the subject. "Hey by the way, out of curiosity, how did you know that I had discovered the CCG was controlled by ghouls?"

"It was a wild guess," Yoshimura admitted, "though there was a pretty good chance I was correct. After all, you had just defeated Arima. Logic dictates that you would go up the chain of command after that. In this case, the Chairman of the CCG. And I can't imagine him being able to hide his true nature from you."

"Not bad, not bad," Kakashi sipped his coffee, relishing the pleasant aroma. A minor genjutsu obscured his face. After becoming a ghoul, his appreciation for good coffee had grown exponentially. For a moment, he simply relaxed and enjoyed the delicious taste.

Then, he set his coffee cup back down and eye-smiled at Yoshimura.

"Anyway, I'm about to take down the Washuu clan and the CCG - and by extension, topple the entire social order of Japan and possibly the rest of the world. You in?"

Yoshimura blinked, his face going blank. It took him several seconds to regain his composure. "I appreciate the offer. However... I am an old man now, way past my prime," he said regretfully. "All I wish to do is run my coffee shop in peace. I'm afraid I'll have to decline. I hope that doesn't anger you."

"Nah, it's fine. No hard feelings," Kakashi reassured. "There's a reason I asked you instead of ordering you."

Yoshimura nodded before hesitating. "However... I may know someone who would definitely be interested in joining you."

"Oh?" Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "Do tell."

"I..."

A look of heavy consternation appeared on Yoshimura's face, as if he was debating something with himself. Finally, he gave a long-suffering yet resigned sigh.

"I know I'll regret this, but... I'll introduce you to my daughter."

「」

"I finally get to meet you, Ka-ka-shi~"

Kakashi eye-smiled in greeting. "Yo." He took a moment to take in her appearance. Her face and entire body were wrapped in bandages. A hood covered her head, and she had pale green eyes.

"I love what you did to Arima," she continued, her voice full of amusement.

"Always glad to meet a fan," Kakashi grinned. "You must be Yoshimura's daughter."

She stiffened. "He told you that?" she asked, her tone slightly hesitant.

Kakashi nodded. "Yup. Why, was it supposed to be a secret?"

"No, not really. I'm just a little surprised." She recovered quickly. "I'm Eto Yoshimura, the leader of Aogiri Tree."

"So I've been told," Kakashi sat back in his soft leather seat. They were in a break room in Anteiku. Yoshimura had left them alone to talk in private after bringing them coffee. "Before we begin, allow me to first ask you something."

He regarded her with an expression that gave nothing away. "What do you wish to achieve?" he asked simply.

Eto hummed. "Two things. I wish to bring down the CCG and the Washuu clan, as well as create a world where ghouls and humans can coexist peacefully with each other. A world where ghouls won't be hunted down like animals for no reason other than the fact that they were born a ghoul."

Kakashi blinked. "Wait, seriously? That's your goal?"

Eto nodded slowly. "Yes."

"Huh," Kakashi shrugged. "What a coincidence. That's exactly what I wish to accomplish as well."

He could see Eto smile underneath her bandages. "Well, you know what they say. Great minds think alike, and all that."

Kakashi chuckled. "Hear, hear. At any rate, I'm glad that our goals align. That means that I can skip the negotiations and jump straight to the fun part."

He leaned forward. "Help me - "

"Done."

Kakashi paused. "You didn't even hear my request yet."

Eto laughed. "I don't need to. Kakashi, I don't think you quite realize that by this point, you can command me to do literally anything and I will do it if it will help achieve my dream. This is the closest to peace we've been since the dawn of civilization itself - a once-in-a-millennium situation. There's no way I'm letting this chance pass by."

"Fair enough, I suppose," Kakashi nodded. "In which case, do you know of any ghouls who are popular in the human world? Preferably capable of influencing public opinion easily?"

Eto stared at him. "You know," she said breathlessly, "I think we were made for each other."

Then, before Kakashi could come up with a response to that, Eto took off her hood and unravelled the bandages around her face to reveal a rather pretty woman that Kakashi swore he recognized. But from where?

Kakashi snapped his fingers as he remembered. "You're that author," he recalled. "I saw a picture of you when I was browsing the bookstore to acquire some, er... reading material."

Eto smiled. "Indeed. My human alter ego is Sen Takatsuki. I'm a famous author with a large audience," she said all this matter-of-factly. "Influencing public opinion should be no problem, whether through an interview or even the release of a new book."

Kakashi smiled. "Perfect." Then he paused, casting another glance at her. The bandages covering her body had become loose, and...

His eyebrows rose.

Oh.

"... you're not wearing any clothes underneath those bandages, are you."

She giggled. "Now that's a secret."

"Ah," Kakashi coughed. "Moving on... Could you please command your organization - Aogiri Tree - to not do anything in the next few months while I enact my plan? If they make any aggressive actions, it could be detrimental."

"Consider it done," Eto nodded before asking a question of her own. "Are you a one-eyed ghoul?"

Kakashi tilted his head. "Honestly? I have no idea."

Eto frowned. "What? How do you not know?"

"I haven't activated my kakugans yet. Or my kagune." At Eto's incredulous look, he held up his hands defensively. "Hey, I've only been a ghoul for a few weeks. Give me a break."

"So it's true," she muttered. "You're a human turned into a ghoul. Tell me, do you know of a man named Kanou?"

Kakashi hummed thoughtfully. "You mean Akihiro Kanou, that one former CCG coroner?" She tensed up and nodded. Kakashi shook his head. "No, I don't know him."

Eto frowned. "Wait, then how did you know he was a former coroner?"

Kakashi waved his hand dismissively. "I memorized the names of all the CCG employees, past and present."

Eto blinked. "... all of them?"

"All of them," Kakashi confirmed. "I know every member's file by heart."

Information was, after all, the most important tool in a shinobi's repertoire. It was also the most underestimated. Even something as simple as knowing how many enemies there were can turn the tide of an entire war. The moment Kakashi had gained access to the CCG's database, he had spent a good portion of time memorizing everything about its members. It wasn't too hard - he was a genius and a highly proficient speed-reader to boot.

"That's... impressive," Eto steepled her fingers. "But getting back to my point... How do you feel about becoming the One-Eyed King? The symbol of hope for all ghouls?"

Kakashi made a face. "One-Eyed King? I'll pass. Besides, I feel like calling myself a 'king' will send the wrong message."

Eto nodded slowly. "Very well."

"Now then..." Kakashi stood up. "It was nice meeting you, but I gotta run. I still need to go talk to my friends at the CCG. I'm sure they'll be extremely interested in the Washuu clan..."

"Friends?" Eto tilted her head. "You have friends?"

"I take offense to that," Kakashi said mildly. "I'll have you know that I'm actually an exceptionally likeable person."

Eto laughed. "Of course, of course. Oh, and one last thing."

She smiled at him.

"Are you single?"

Kakashi blinked.

"... yes."

"I see," Eto hummed but didn't continue. "Alright then. Keep in touch."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow, bemused, but he didn't question it.

He vanished in a swirl of leaves.

Eto reclined back in her chair, taking a sip of coffee. A satisfied smile spread across her face. "That went well."

A knock sounded on the door before Yoshimura came in. He regarded the leaves on the floor with a slightly annoyed expression before looking at her. His expression softened. "Eto, can we talk?"

Eto's smile became fixed. "Talk? What is there to talk about, manager?"

Yoshimura winced. "I deserved that."

"You deserve so much more," she whispered, her smile falling from her face. She stood up and began to leave but then paused when Yoshimura spoke.

"I had no choice, you know," he said softly. "V would've targeted you if they knew that you were my child. I left you in order to protect you."

Eto was silent for a moment. "I know," she finally said. "I still don't care though."

Yoshimura gave a heavy, regretful sigh. "I suppose forgiveness is out of the question?"

Eto whirled on him. "Since there seems to be some confusion, let me make it perfectly clear," she hissed. "You may be my father, but I care nothing for you. In fact - no, I take it back. You ceased being my father the moment you abandoned me because of your own weakness."

Yoshimura glanced away, the pain evident on his face. "I see," he whispered quietly.

There was a long moment of silence.

"But..." Eto began, her tone softer than before. "While you may no longer be my father... You do make some rather delicious coffee. The best coffee I've ever had, as a matter of fact. So you do have that going for you, at the very least."

Yoshimura looked back at her, his eyes slightly wide. "Eto..." Then he broke out into a beaming smile. "I see. Then, another cup?"

"Gladly."

Chapter Text

"I must say..." Kakashi faltered, scratching his head awkwardly. "This is a new one, even for me."

"MY LORD!" came the resounding reply as dozens of voices resonated with each other. The moment Kakashi had entered the 20th CCG Center, he had immediately been met with a whirlwind of motion. For a second, he'd thought that he was being attacked until he realized that all these people were scrambling to get up and bow down to him.

Kakashi glanced around the room, trying to see if it was a prank or some clever diversion. Judging by how the Investigators weren't making any threatening moves, it wasn't. In fact, the Investigators didn't even seem to be focused on him; instead, they were glaring at the still-bowing researchers and scientists and agents -

He blinked when he caught sight of a statue of himself standing majestically in a corner of the room with what appeared to be sacrificial offerings laid around it. His eyebrows rose when he realized that said offerings were primarily in the form of cultured manga. Absently, he made a mental note to collect them later - he was nearly done with his current series and needed something new to read.

At any rate... What in the world?

Had - had he unintentionally started a cult?!

Huh.

Well then.

This was certainly... unexpected.

Slowly, an amused grin began spreading across Kakashi's face.

Now, how to make the most of this...

「」

"My disciples!"

Lieutenant Takeshi instantly snapped to attention, focusing all his attention on Kakashi. He had been one of the ones who had been convinced to convert earlier that day - not that he needed much convincing in the first place. After all, ever since that fateful day when he had ordered the attack on Kakashi, he had grown increasingly awed and fearful of the ghoul's power.

When he saw how Kakashi defied not only the CCG, but the laws of the physical world itself...

It was when he realized the fatal mistake in his thinking.

Kakashi was no ghoul.

Kakashi was a god.

And not just a god, but a benevolent god, for even though Takeshi and many others had blasphemed against him, Kakashi had remained kind and forgiving, utilizing only non-lethal measures when taking them down. He was merciful and showed no hints of malice whatsoever.

And what was more, Kakashi desired peace between humanity and ghouls. He wished to bring an end to conflict, an end to the never-ending cycle of death and suffering.

They weren't just empty words either. Kakashi had demonstrated with his every action that he meant what he said.

Lieutenant Takeshi wasn't a very religious man, yet he found himself pouring his every ounce of faith - faith he didn't even know he had - into Kakashi.

"I am glad you have all seen the light," Kakashi continued. A wind suddenly began blowing in the room, the air crackling with power. "You all have chosen a difficult path in following me. You will face opposition from many. Your friends. Your colleagues. Perhaps even your own family."

He stepped forward and his posture shifted. Where he had before appeared lazy and relaxed, he now emanated sheer presence and authority.

"At times it may seem like the entire world is against you, denouncing you as insane or deranged individuals," Kakashi spoke softly. "However, you mustn't falter. You must endure and carry on. It may seem like a lonely path, but I promise you, it will be worth it in the end."

And here Kakashi's aura exploded outward, a dense pressure filling the room. And yet, it didn't crush them down, but instead buoyed them up.

"For we are fighting for peace! We are fighting for a world in which ghouls and humans can coexist without the constant fear of death looming over them!" Kakashi's voice resounded through the room, striking deep into their hearts. "Now, I have but only one question." His voice dropped to a whisper as he regarded them. "Are you all with me?"

He was met with a thundering roar of agreement. For a solid half a minute, the room was filled with a cacophony of shouts and cheers, their pure unadulterated passion and enthusiasm clear. Then, they slowly began to chant.

"Kakashi! Kakashi! KAKASHI! KAKASHI! KAKASHI!"

Off to the side, Kakashi saw Shinohara with his head in his hands. Next to him, Amon's face had turned an interesting shade of purple that couldn't possibly be good for his blood pressure.

Kakashi smiled.

Best. Vacation. Ever.

「」

"What the hell was that?!" Amon immediately demanded the instant the door closed behind them. He, Shinohara, and Kakashi had gone to an empty office to have a meeting. Every so often, they could hear the scientists cheer in the background.

Kakashi looked at him innocently. "What was what?"

Amon very nearly went nuclear just there, his hands twitching wildly and his veins practically bursting.

"Oh!" Revelation dawned on Kakashi's face. "You mean my motivational speech?" He eye-smiled. "It wasn't half bad, wasn't it? Not as good as what my student could've done, but still pretty good if I do say so myself."

"WHY?!"

Kakashi blinked. "Why? Well, my faithful disciples were expecting something. I couldn't exactly let them down, y'know?"

Amon snarled at him.

"Amon," Shinohara placed a calming hand on his shoulder. "Don't. He's not worth it."

"I object to that," Kakashi interjected. "I'll have you know that I'm actually worth a significant amount. Even I'm surprised by the sheer number of bounties on my head."

"Kakashi," Shinohara gave a weary sigh. "You already beat us. Humiliated us. Proven that even Arima couldn't stand up to you. What more do you want?"

Kakashi hummed. "Before I get to that, could you please call in Mado, Arima, and Suzuya? I'd rather not have to explain everything twice."

Shinohara hesitated before nodding. "Fine."

「」

"Before we begin, I have an important matter to discuss," Kakashi leaned forward and steepled his fingers, his gaze fully serious as he looked around the table where they were assembled. Amon, Akira, and Shinohara tensed up, whereas Suzuya and Mado looked excited. Arima showed no outward emotions, though his eyes did sharpen slightly.

"In light of recent knowledge that I apparently now have a group of faithful followers - "

"A cult," Amon cut in flatly. "It's a cult."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kakashi smoothly responded. "At any rate, since we have all been together since the beginning - except for Arima, but we can make an exception - I've made a decision." He spread his arms magnanimously. "Rejoice, for I am officially appointing you all as my Holy Priests!"

Suzuya whooped in delight. The rest didn't share his enthusiasm.

"Please don't call us that," Shinohara requested with a pained expression.

"No can do," Kakashi grinned. "Moving on, I just discovered the most fascinating fact."

"What, the fact that mermaids actually have their own special taste? " Akira asked sarcastically.

"Nope. Even more fascinating than that," Kakashi eye-smiled. "Did you guys know that the chairman of the CCG is a ghoul?"

"Yeah, yeah - " Akira froze. "Wait. What?"

There was a moment of silence as Kakashi's declaration sunk in.

Amon was the first to react. "You dare?" he hissed, shooting to his feet. "You seriously think we're that stupid?!"

Kakashi didn't respond, instead looking at Arima and raising his left eyebrow pointedly.

Arima held his gaze for a second before his eyes flickered and he inclined his head. "It's true."

Those two words seemed to have a physical effect on the Investigators. Shinohara looked as if he was just punched in the gut, and Amon physically staggered back in shock. Even Suzuya looked rather unsettled.

"A-Arima?" Akira said tentatively, her face pale. "Is - is this a joke?"

"I'm afraid not," Arima responded before hesitating. That alone was astonishing to the other Investigators - Arima did not hesitate. Finally, he spoke. "I should know," he murmured, his voice nearly inaudible. "He is, after all, my own father."

Shinohara looked as if he just took a flying roundhouse kick to the face at that revelation.

"What?" Mado rasped out, both of his eyes so wide they actually looked to be the same size. "He's your father?!" he paused as something occurred to him. "And he's a ghoul?! You're a ghoul?!"

"I'm a half-ghoul," Arima explained quietly. "Rest assured that I can consume human food and that I have no need for human flesh. Functionally, I'm a human in every way except for superhuman physical abilities and a vastly shortened lifespan."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows in interest- he actually didn't know that part.

"But - if the leaders of the CCG are ghouls, then why are they hunting down other ghouls?" Amon asked, looking hopelessly lost.

"Because other ghouls are stronger than him," Arima answered. "It's a rather ingenious strategy. In order to maintain their power, they perpetuate the conflict between ghouls and humans so that the two sides are too busy killing each other instead of focusing on them." He tilted his head. "I've been told that the birdcage metaphor is rather apt here - "

"Spare us, we're not literature students," Mado snapped. "So you're saying that the only reason the CCG and ghouls are fighting is because of the chairman?"

"The entire Washuu clan, to be specific, but yes," Arima replied. "The whole thing about ghouls being incapable of feeling human emotions, of being nothing but brutal monsters? All propaganda designed to keep the two sides apart," his gaze softened. "They are as human as you or I."

Mado stared at him for several seconds, seemingly going through all five stages of grief at once before his expression became blank. He stood up and walked over to another desk in the corner, the others watching him curiously.

"Dad?" Akira asked hesitantly.

The elderly Investigator didn't respond, instead taking a deep calming breath before promptly flipping the desk over. Wood splintered and pens noisily clattered to the ground as Mado let out a blood curdling scream of pure rage.

"They're all lies?" Amon asked hollowly, his eyes begging Arima to shake his head.

"Always has been," Arima nodded. "Ghouls feel happiness, sadness, grief, and empathy. There are wicked ghouls out there, I'm not denying that. However, there are just as many ghouls who simply wish to lead normal, happy lives." His eyes clouded over. "Ghouls who wish to be just an ordinary student where the most they have to worry about is passing the end-of-year exam."

"I... see."

Slowly, Amon stood up and walked to another corner where a desk stood. He didn't even pause; he immediately flipped the desk over, letting out a roar of pure anger and frustration.

"You knew all this time, yet you never told anyone?" Shinohara asked, his gaze piercing into Arima.

Arima tilted his head. "What would've been the point? Nothing would've come out of it. The Washuu clan is too powerful. At best, I would've been discredited and arrested; at worst, I would've been executed for 'siding with the ghouls.' There was nothing I could've done. I even worked together with the leader of Aogiri Tree - "

"What?!" Akira gasped.

" - to try to find a solution, but what we came up with had an exceedingly low chance of succeeding," Arima continued. "I admit, I had almost lost hope in changing this unjust world we live in... until, of course, Kakashi appeared. A ghoul who was powerful enough to singlehandedly challenge the CCG and perhaps even come out on top."

"So you mean to say... our only hope - humanity's only hope - is Kakashi?" Shinohara asked weakly.

Arima nodded. "Indeed."

Shinohara stood up silently, scanned the office they were in, and saw that there were no more intact desks left. Undeterred, he walked over to the window and punched straight through it with an unholy roar. Even as the shattered shards of glass fell to the ground, Shinohara decided that that wasn't enough and punched the wall a few times as well, leaving several holes in the drywall.

Suzuya's eyes were shining with excitement. "Oh, so we are allowed to engage in wanton property destruction? I'm so bringing in a sledgehammer tomorrow."

For once, Shinohara didn't scold him.

"Now that we're all on the same page," Kakashi clapped his hands together. "I'm sure we can agree that the Washuu clan needs to be brought down as soon as possible?"

The Investigators all nodded determinedly. Or rather, Arima, Suzuya, and Akira did. The remaining three seemed to be undergoing various existential crises.

"Excellent," Kakashi smiled, a downright predatory glint appearing in his single visible eye. "Then, it's time to enact the plan. For that, I'll need to call in an associate of mine."

「」

"Yo, Eto!" Kakashi greeted cheerfully. "Glad you could make it."

Eto smiled. "Of course. I have to say, I did not expect to be escorted into a CCG Center like some VIP. They didn't even make me go through an RC Scanner." She tilted her head. "You really have the CCG whipped, huh."

The Investigators twitched.

Kakashi chuckled. "Personally, I prefer to think of it as us being... friends."

"Friends, my ass," Amon grumbled. "You've fooled them into thinking that you're some sort of god."

Eto giggled. "A god? My, you've certainly been busy."

Kakashi shrugged. "To be fair, it wasn't exactly my idea."

"You literally gave a sermon to them earlier!" Amon snapped.

"I've always been taught to take advantage of the opportunity."

Eto laughed before turning to Arima. "Arima, it's good to see you again."

"Eto," Arima inclined his head, his face impassive as usual.

"You know this ghoul?" Akira spoke up before pausing. "Err, at least I'm assuming she's a ghoul, since she apparently knows Kakashi..."

"I am a ghoul," Eto nodded. "A half-ghoul, to be specific. I'm sure you know of me. I'm Eto, the leader of Aogiri Tree," she introduced herself. Oddly enough she seemed to be intently focused on Mado and Akira.

Then she smiled. Arima immediately tensed up in alarm but was too late to stop her. "Though you may know me better as the One-Eyed Owl."

There was a moment of silence.

Then, Kureo Mado and Akira Mado flipped their shit.

Mado exploded into action, whipping his quinque out and attempting to bisect Eto. Akira was close behind him, also unleashing a powerful strike. Both of them had identical looks of fury on their faces.

Eto laughed as she danced out of the way. Glass shattered and the walls crumbled as she dodged their strikes with ease. The other Investigators were clearly torn between stopping the two and joining them.

Kakashi observed the scene for a solid two seconds before appearing in the middle of the fray, grabbing Mado and Akira by their wrists, and tossing them away. All while avoiding the whirlwind of quinques.

"Maa," Kakashi began carefully, standing between Eto and the two Investigators. "Is there something I'm unaware of?"

"She murdered my wife," Mado snarled.

"She murdered my mother," Akira's eyes were like chipped ice as she glared at Eto.

Kakashi opened his mouth before closing it a second later. He turned to stare at Eto.

Eto shrugged, not bothering to deny it. "For what it's worth, it wasn't personal?"

"Get out of my way, Kakashi," Mado growled. "She's mine."

Kakashi felt like he was trapped between a Kumo ninja and a Hyuuga clan member. That was to say, he was practically suffocating from the sheer killing intent and hatred in the air.

"Well then," he said slowly. "I'm sure we can discuss this without the need for violence. Mado, Akira, please put away your quinques. Eto - " she blinked innocently at him. "Just don't antagonize them please."

"Coming from you?" Eto quirked an eyebrow in amusement. "A bit ironic, don't you think?"

Kakashi sighed. "I'm aware. Anyway... This is something that we probably would've addressed sooner or later. Let's all take a seat, alright?"

"Not until her head is separated from her body," came the scathing reply from Mado.

Kakashi hesitated. This situation required empathy and emotional intelligence. Two qualities that he was a bit lacking on - okay, that he simply did not have, period. "Mado... I understand how you feel."

To be fair, he actually did. During the Fourth Great Shinobi War, he himself had had to cooperate with numerous foreign shinobi that had taken the lives of his comrades before. It had been immensely difficult for him to set aside any previous enmity and work together. Of course, he had compensated by irritating the living hell out of them - but that wasn't the point.

"If you truly understand, then you should know that this will never work out - "

"Then there will never be peace."

Mado paused. "Excuse me?"

"The world exists in a constant cycle of pain and death," Kakashi said, his expression fully serious. "Ghouls kill humans because that's the only way for them to survive. Humans kill ghouls because they seek revenge. So on and so forth ad infinitum. The only way to break such a cycle is to cast away your desire for revenge."

Akira scoffed. "You say that as if it's an easy thing to do."

"It's not," Kakashi stated bluntly. "It absolutely is not. The very opposite, in fact. However..."

He swept his gaze across the room. "Nobody said that attaining peace would be an easy task. In order to end this bloody conflict, we must all make sacrifices."

"She killed my wife," Mado hissed.

"She wouldn't have had to kill your wife if the world wasn't in such a state," Kakashi countered calmly.

"She's a murderer," Mado spat in return. "I can accept that there are good ghouls out there, but she is undoubtedly not one of them. And you want us to just work with her? Just forget what she did, all the people she's killed?!" For once, he didn't have his customary crazed smile on his face.

Kakashi was silent for a long moment.

This was it. This was the deciding moment of the fate of the entire human-ghoul conflict. Kakashi knew that there were countless humans out there with the exact same mindset as Mado. Should we just forget what the ghouls did? Should we just let them be in peace after all the lives they've destroyed?

And if Kakashi couldn't convince Mado here, then he would've had lost.

"Mado, I understand where you're coming from," Kakashi said, stepping forward. "Trust me, I do. However..." he looked at him, his gaze turning slightly sad. "Haven't you also murdered ghouls in cold blood?" he asked softly. "Destroyed the lives of countless ghouls?"

Mado flinched back, looking as if he had been struck.

"That's not fair," Akira interjected indignantly. "Dad was just killing ghouls who had already murdered humans - "

"All of them?" Kakashi tilted his head. "Are you sure that all of them were bad? Let me remind you again that there are ghouls who try to lead peaceful lives. Ghouls who get their food from suicide spots, or even from other ghouls because they themselves cannot hunt. Can you confidently say that every single ghoul your father slaughtered wasn't like that?"

Akira hesitated. "Well, no... But even if there were one or two good ghouls, I'm sure most of them were bad."

"Ah, yes," Kakashi drawled. "He's statistically not a murderer. I'm sure that makes it so much better." Akira stiffened at that.

"What's your point, Kakashi?" Shinohara asked quietly.

"My point is that we've all committed our fair share of atrocities in the past," Kakashi turned back to Mado. "And, as difficult as it is, we need to leave them in the past. Because right now, Mado, the world is wrong. The Washuu clan has perverted society, twisting it into something distorted. Ghouls and humans are at conflict when there is literally no reason for them to be. And we're the only ones who can change that."

Mado glared at Kakashi, but it wasn't as intense as before.

"I know it's hard - gods, I know. You wish to rip her throat out, to shove a knife into her eye, to make her suffer through the worst pain imaginable," Kakashi looked Mado straight in the eye. "However, we're fighting for something greater than us. Something far more important than revenge or vengeance."

Kakashi took a final step forward so that he stood face to face right in front of Mado.

"I know I'm asking for a lot here, but... for the sake of a better, brighter future, you need to move on." His single grey eye blazed with resolve. "Because while we may not be able to bring your wife back, we can change the world to prevent this from ever occurring to somebody else."

Mado's eyes flickered slightly and even the other Investigators looked contemplative at his words.

"If it makes you feel better, I'll let you fight me after we take down the Washuu clan," Eto offered.

Mado didn't respond for a minute, the tension steadily building up in the room. Then, finally, he smiled his normal maniacal smile. Everyone relaxed. "I've been waiting years to take down the Owl," he said. "I can afford to wait for a bit longer."

Kakashi breathed a silent sigh of relief. "Thank you. And you, Akira?"

She hesitated but then nodded. "Fine."

Shinohara rested his hand on Mado's shoulder in a silent show of support while Akira gripped her father's hand tightly.

"Now that that's done," Eto said, a gleam appearing in her eyes, "what exactly is the plan?"

Kakashi hummed. "Two things. First off, I need you guys to have my devoted followers prepare a high quality camera with broadcasting capabilities and a small wearable microphone."

"I really hate how I immediately knew you were talking about the CCG technicians," Shinohara muttered. "I really do."

"Second... Eto, I haven't really met that many ghouls yet. If possible, could you please find a peaceful ghoul? Preferably with numerous sympathetic traits? I'm sure you know where I'm going with this."

Eto hummed. "I see. I'll talk to my father. I'm sure he knows someone." She ignored the glances the Investigators exchanged among each other.

"Excellent. I'll be off then."

And he disappeared in a swirl of leaves.

Eto stared at the Investigators who stared right back at her. A strained silence descended over them.

"Sometimes," Eto began whimsically, "I wish I could teleport like that as well to avoid awkward situations like this. If you don't mind, I'll just get going now."

"Go," Mado growled. "Enjoy your time alive while you still can. Because once this is over..." He trailed off menacingly.

Eto smiled. "Understood."

「」

Kakashi tossed his head back and guzzled down the freshly-brewed coffee as if it was the finest alcohol in the world.

"You do not understand how hard I bullshitted just now," he gasped out as he finished the cup, slamming it down onto the countertop. "Oh gods, I had to channel my inner Naruto there. Do you realize how painful it is to channel my inner Naruto?"

Touka stared at him. "I have no idea what you're talking about. And how the hell are you drinking that through your mask without getting it wet?"

"Magic," Kakashi answered, muttering a quick thank you as Yoshimura refilled his cup before gulping down another cup of coffee. "But seriously though - I have no clue whatsoever how I managed to make it work. I was literally talking through my ass the entire time. And they bought it. I can't believe they actually bought it. I mean, do I look like a therapist to you - or even a remotely functioning human with a healthy mental, for that matter?"

"No," Touka answered bluntly.

Kakashi paused and shot her a look. "That's hurtful..."

"The truth hurts," she shrugged. "Deal with it."

Kakashi chuckled. "Fair enough. In any event... I've suddenly gained a new appreciation for one of my students. The fact that he could do this consistently... it's honestly impressive."

Indeed, the entire time he had been basing his actions and words entirely on the question 'What would Naruto say?' and bullshitting his way from there. He was surprised he was actually able to pull it off - but then again, he supposed there was a reason why he was known as Copy Ninja Kakashi.

"What happened?" Yoshimura inquired as he refilled Kakashi's cup once more.

"Your daughter killed the wife of one of the CCG agents I'm working with."

Yoshimura paused. "Oh. Yes, that does tend to throw a wrench into the works.'

"Yeah," Kakashi said glumly as he stared into his cup of coffee. "It was a real mess. Though I guess I had to deal with it eventually. There are lots of humans and ghouls who want revenge on each other. But in order to attain peace, they'll have no choice but to move on."

Yoshimura tilted his head. "That is certainly true. However, do you really think that humans and ghouls will be able to cast away their desire for revenge?"

Kakashi shrugged. "To be honest, I don't know. However, I did convince Mado and his daughter today to work with Eto. So that's some progress, I suppose."

The elderly ghoul hummed. "Indeed. Eto contacted me earlier, by the way, requesting to meet with Ryouko and Hinami Fueguchi."

Kakashi blinked. "She knew them by name?"

"Well, no. To be specific, she asked for, and I quote, 'one of those weak cannon fodder who can only get food from Anteiku due to their incompetence.' I just merely translated that to a peaceful ghoul who relied on Anteiku as their food source."

Kakashi opened his mouth, paused, then looked at Yoshimura. "You ever think your daughter has problems sometimes?" he asked curiously.

"You are the last person I want to hear that from," Yoshimura said, narrowing his eyes slightly. Kakashi only waited patiently. Finally, Yoshimura sighed. "But yes. Yes I do."

「」

"Hmm..." Kakashi rubbed his chin. "They're perfect."

Eto nodded. "So perfect it's sickening, if you know what I mean."

Kakashi paused. "I don't, actually. I don't know what you mean."

Eto shot him a sly smile. "I'm sure."

"Umm..." Ryouko Fueguchi glanced between them nervously. "Is there a reason why you wanted to see us?" Her daughter, Hinami, sat next to her on the couch, pressed tightly against her mother's side.

Kakashi clapped his hands together. "So!" he began merrily. "We're currently in the middle of executing a plan that will end the conflict between humans and ghouls. Would you like to help?"

Ryouko's eyes widened before she nodded frantically. "Y-yes! Anything to help. What do you need me to do?"

"It's simple," Eto took over, stepping forward and smiling. "All I need you to do is tell me your story. You and Hinami both."

Ryouko blinked. "What? How would that help?"

"You'll see," Kakashi replied cryptically with a smile.

「」

Approximately five days later, the widely acclaimed author Sen Takatsuki had a surprise release: the book Glassy Sky. When asked, she said that she was struck with sudden inspiration and just had to write it. It had been written, edited, published, and even translated into numerous languages in record time - it was rumoured her publisher had to pull several all-nighters to make it happen.

Glassy Sky was about a mother and a daughter ghoul living their lives. It was a gripping tale, how they were peaceful ghouls, how they were weak and couldn't fight, how they had to rely on the generosity of other ghouls to stay alive. It dived deep into their struggles of trying to lead normal human lives and fitting into society.

The story had two parts to it; the first part was told from the mother's perspective and the second part was told from the daughter's. The mother's story was immensely moving, of how she knew her daughter had a difficult life ahead of her and how she wished that she would be able to stay alive to help her but she knew her time was running out before an Investigator or a fellow ghoul would kill her and force her to leave her daughter alone in the cruel world.

On the other hand, the daughter's story was somehow both innocent and bleak, about how she had to constantly live in fear of people finding out that she was a ghoul, about she had never had friends before or much social interaction altogether, and how she loved reading and wanted to learn how to write but didn't know many words and wanted more than anything to go to school to learn but she couldn't because it was too risky.

The tale was crafted wonderfully, full of depth and emotions. Many online reviews mentioned having tears in their eyes while reading.

Ordinarily, the fact that it was a book told from the ghoul's perspective would already be compelling enough to draw in readers and make it moderately popular. After all, there were virtually no good ghoul-centric books out there; most ghoul-related books were told from the human perspective, typically involving heroics and top secret spy organizations. The only other ghoul-centric book published in the past decade was a trashy romance novel. Consequently, it was also a bestseller with several equally trashy sequels and a movie in the works...

At any rate, Glassy Sky would've been relatively popular no matter what. However, one tiny little thing guaranteed that it became an instant overnight success, selling nearly a million copies within just a few days.

It was quite simple, really.

The book was published in the nonfiction category.

The readers didn't think much of it at first, of course. Most didn't even realize, and the few who did thought it was just a mistake. However, once a certain post on an online forum pointed it out, the Internet promptly freaked out, and it became trending within an hour. Several hours later, the publishing company released a statement stating that it was not an error, and that the book was in fact the biography of two ghouls.

Suffice to say, it exploded in popularity.

「」

"The counter-propaganda is doing quite nicely," Kakashi remarked as his fingers blurred over the computer keyboard. "Public perception of ghouls is already being altered. The amount of sympathetic individuals is skyrocketing. Pro-ghoul organizations are rapidly gaining new members, and there are already several new organizations being created."

Eto smiled contentedly. "I did a good job, didn't I?"

"Absolutely," Kakashi confirmed with a nod. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're undoubtedly one of the best writers I've ever met." With Jiraiya still leading in number one, of course. "If you hadn't been the one to write the story, I doubt this would've been nearly as effective."

Eto chuckled. "My, you sure know how to flatter someone"

Kakashi shrugged. "What can I say? I speak only the truth."

Eto gave him a coy smile. "In which case, I think I deserve a reward, don't you?"

Kakashi raised an eyebrow. "The reward being...?"

Eto smirked. "Oh, I'm sure you know. But if not, let me make it more clear for you." She leaned forward and spoke in a slow, deliberate voice, her gaze focused intently on him, "Page twenty-eight."

Kakashi frowned. "I'm afraid I don't follow - "

Eto glanced down at his literature which was resting on the desk next to the laptop.

Something clicked.

"You've - you've read that?!" Kakashi blurted out in surprise.

"The prose was fairly lacking - understandable, given that it's a porn manga - but the plot and action were admittedly spicy as hell," Eto absently twirled a bandage around her finger. "So, what do you say? Want to reenact page twenty-eight with me?"

Kakashi chuckled. "Sure, why not?"

"Sweet." And with that, Eto began unraveling her bandages.

In the span of one point eight seconds, Kakashi's brain froze, crashed, and then rebooted.

"Whoa whoa whoa, hold up," he said, holding up a hand cautiously. "What are you doing?"

Eto glanced at him. "Reenacting page twenty-eight?"

Kakashi's eyes widened. "Wait, you were being serious?"

Eto blinked. "Well, yeah."

Kakashi stared at her for several seconds, legitimately not knowing how to respond. It was one thing to execute a seduction or counter-seduction, as was the case with Akira. He could easily slip into the practiced speech patterns, mannerisms, and mindset. There were protocols that he could follow.

But faced with an honest-to-Sage proposition?

He had no idea what to do.

Okay okay okay. It was fine. He just needed to calmly and politely decline her offer -

"Sorry, I only like guys dressed in green spandex."

Eto froze.

Kakashi froze.

"Oh," Eto finally said after a long, extremely uncomfortable silence. "I... see." She looked disappointed. "Well, fair enough then."

"Yes," Kakashi agreed. "I - I should leave. Need to... do something... with the CCG - "

He disappeared. Not even in a graceful shunshin, but instead diving straight through a wall with a hastily applied earth technique.

「」

Yoshimura looked positively amused as he served Kakashi his coffee. "Green spandex? Really? It's one thing to reject my daughter, but to do it with that excuse?" His voice was filled with mirth.

Kakashi has a desolate expression on his face. "In my defense, I panicked and said the first thing that came to my mind."

Seriously though. He wasn't attracted to guys. And he most assuredly definitely absolutely was not attracted to Gai.

... he could just hear Naruto laughing at him.

"Y'know, according to Freud," Touka began with a shit-eating grin. "If that was the first thing that came to your mind... well. It certainly says something about you, doesn't it?"

Kakashi groaned. "Oh gods, please no."

Touka positively sparkled at the despair in his voice. "Ah," she smiled dreamily. "Music to my ears."

「」

"Alright, I think the public perception has been shifted enough to begin the next phase of the plan," Kakashi announced. It had already been more than a week since the book was released, and change was sweeping over the entire world. "Phase one with the counter-propaganda had gone perfectly."

"There is a problem with that though," Shinohara spoke up with a frown. "As of this morning, more than thirty-four countries had already banned Glassy Sky."

"Oh yeah," Kakashi waved his hand. "Don't worry about that. I was the one who convinced them to impose the bans."

Shinohara blinked. "You... what? Why?"

Kakashi eye-smiled. "The easiest way to get someone to do something is to tell them that they can't do it. While no physical copies had been sold in those countries, the amount of pirated downloads off the Internet had increased by 2000% since Glassy Sky was banned. Plus, we get free media coverage."

"Huh," Shinohara rubbed his chin. "That's actually... really smart."

"Thank you, though it was fairly elementary," Kakashi said. "Anyway, any movement from the Washuu clan?" he asked Arima.

Arima shook his head. "No. They're too proud to try to escape. They're probably waiting for you to attack, hoping to kill you in a trap."

Kakashi raised an eyebrow in amusement. "They still think that would work?"

Arima shrugged. "Centuries of inbreeding tend to do that to a bloodline."

Amon blinked. "What?"

Kakashi coughed. "Moving on," because he did not want to start thinking about the specifics of the Elemental Nations clan traditions, "It's finally time to take down the Washuu clan."

Everyone grew serious at that.

"What do you need us to do?" Arima asked softly.

Kakashi tilted his head, seemingly contemplating something.

"Say," he said thoughtfully. "Which one of you has the steadiest hands?"

The Investigators shared confused glances.

「」

"You can't be serious"

Kakashi turned to Amon. "Maa, what do you mean?"

"Let me get this straight. You want me to livestream you attacking the CCG Headquarters and revealing that the Washuu clan are ghouls?" Amon asked incredulously.

"Of course!" Kakashi responded airily. "It's brilliant, don't you think?"

Indeed, Amon was currently holding a camera in his hands - with modifications to allow it to livestream directly - and Kakashi had a wearable microphone attached to his collar.

"Brilliant?" Amon echoed disbelievingly. "What's even the point of this? This is literally just for your inflated ego."

"Amon!" Kakashi cried as he reared back, seemingly appalled. "How dare you? I'll have you know that this is actually vital for the plan."

"How?" Amon challenged.

"Isn't it obvious?" Kakashi shrugged. "The public wouldn't be likely to believe us if we released a statement declaring that the Washuu clan were ghouls. Similarly, they also wouldn't believe us if we released video evidence; after, video footage could easily be edited. The only way to guarantee that the public would believe us without a doubt is if we livestreamed everything in real time."

Amon opened his mouth but then paused. "I... wait."

Kakashi eye-smiled. "That's what I thought. It's all calculated, I assure you."

"You shouldn't doubt Kakashi," Eto said, appearing out of nowhere. "Have some faith in him, little Investigator."

"Eto," Kakashi said, his expression going deceptively blank. "You're here."

"I am," Eto smiled. "You've been avoiding me."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Kakashi said, resolutely not meeting her gaze. "Anyway, is everything set up?" he asked one of the technicians who was fiddling with a device.

"Yes, my Lord!" he responded.

"Excellent," Kakashi smiled. "Let's go."

「」

They went to the CCG Headquarters where all the executives were located. Only Kakashi, the Investigators, and Eto had gone; the technicians had stayed behind. They had been reluctant at first until Kakashi assigned them the task of moderating the stream chat, at which point they were shocked speechless by the amount of faith he had in them to wield such great power on his behalf.

Their words, not his.

"We're live in one minute," Shinohara announced. "Get ready, everyone."

For a moment, Kakashi was silent as he reflected on everything that had occurred so far.

He had only been in this world for about three weeks, but in those three weeks he had disrupted the social order of an entire nation and wreaked untold amounts of chaos and havoc.

All for the purpose of bringing peace, of course. And definitely not because he had wanted to relax and enjoy himself after the stressful clusterfuck that was the Fourth Great Shinobi World.

And now, it was finally time for him to execute the final phase of the plan.

Kakashi smiled underneath his mask. This would be fun.

"This is going to turn out terribly," Amon said hopelessly.

"Maa, don't worry," Kakashi grinned. "I watched a few streamers last night to prepare. It's going to be fine."

Akira's eyes widened in alarm. "Oh god, which streamers?!"

Kakashi smiled cryptically as he absently admired the sheer efficiency of the communications technology in this world.

Speaking of which, the CCG technicians and computer scientists had been able to hack into the government's telecommunications department and issue an emergency broadcast to every electronic device that was hooked up to the Internet. Phones, computers, televisions, and so on. The government typically used this technology to warn the public of emergencies such as environmental disasters, but the CCG technicians were able to work their computer magic to create an entire livestream page.

Of course, hacking into the telecommunications department was a lot easier than it sounded, considering how many of the technicians and computer scientists had been the ones to code the software in the first place and as such knew where all the backdoor entrances were. Oh, and Kakashi had handed them the admin passwords as well.

As a result, nearly every nonessential phone, laptop, and television would display the livestream.

Oh, and it even had a chat function. The technicians were especially insistent on including that.

"Five, four, three, two, one," Shinohara counted down. "We're live."

Showtime.

Kakashi looked into the camera and eye-smiled. "SUP SUP!" he greeted exuberantly with a two-fingered salute.

Akira slowly placed her head in her hands.

"Welcome to my first livestream! For those who don't know, my name is Kakashi. I'm a ghoul dedicated to bringing peace to the human-ghoul conflict. For far too long, humanity and ghouls have been battling each other for no reason whatsoever."

"But don't ghouls eat humans?" Shinohara asked, stepping into the camera's line of view. "It seems perfectly reasonable for humans and ghouls to be mortal enemies if humans are just the ghouls' prey, correct?"

"That's a phenomenal question, Special Class Investigator Shinohara," Kakashi responded. A question that was obviously not rehearsed or anything. "Before I can answer that, there is something you need to know. For you see, the Commission of Counter Ghoul, the CCG, has been hiding a dark truth from the entire world for a long time."

"And that is?" Shinohara feigned confusion.

"Allow me to show you," Kakashi turned around and gestured at the CCG Headquarters. "As you can see, I'm standing outside the CCG's main headquarters located in Japan." He eye-smiled. "Let's make our way inside, shall we?"

「」

Kakashi confidently strolled into the building, his hands in his pockets.

"Yo-!"

He immediately dropped to his knee and slammed his hands down onto the ground. A massive mud wall adorned with dogs rose, blocking the hail of bullets from hitting them.

"Maa, now that's just rude," Kakashi called from behind the wall before he blurred. Amon barely had time to stand up and aim the camera before all the CCG agents hit the ground, unconscious.

"Y'know, you'd think that they would've learned by now that bullets don't work," Kakashi sighed as he strode down the hallway. Several Investigators tried to stop him, but it was clear their attempts were half-hearted at best. Probably because most of them were gaping at Arima, who was walking behind Kakashi.

"I mean, they're CCG agents," Eto shrugged. "Incompetency is their middle name."

"Oi," Amon growled.

"Eto, let's save our antagonizing for the Washuu clan," Kakashi said mildly.

Eto laughed lightly. "Very well."

They made their way to the Tsuneyoshi Washuu's office. There were multiple traps set up for them including pressure plate traps, spikes that shot out of the wall, sarin nerve gas, and so on.

Kakashi systematically dismantled each and every one of them without taking a scratch, making liberal use of shadow clones. Bless the Nidaime, truly.

Finally, they stopped in front of Tsuneyoshi Washuu's office.

Or rather, the Investigators plus Eto stopped. Kakashi didn't even slow down. With his hands still in his pockets, the doors slammed open from an invisible force - courtesies of some sealless wind manipulation.

"Tsuneyoshi!" Kakashi called cheerfully. "How have you been?"

Tsuneyoshi had been sitting behind his desk waiting for Kakashi. "Terrible," he answered bluntly. "But I'm sure you already knew that."

Kakashi chuckled. "I guessed as much. So, are you going to surrender peacefully?"

Tsuneyoshi's response came in the form of three men clad in dark clothing and masks dropping down from the ceiling.

"V agents," Arima identified from behind Kakashi. "Careful."

"Arima, you've betrayed us?" Tsuneyoshi asked, a disapproving frown on his face.

Arima leveled an even gaze at him. "I desire peace," he intoned calmly. "You don't. It's nothing personal."

"Well, you chose the wrong side," the V agent in front - their leader - growled. With that, the three agents exploded into action, leaping toward Kakashi.

It took Kakashi four seconds to take them down in a flawless performance. He would've dragged it out, but he wanted to get to the main event fast.

Tsuneyoshi didn't seem surprised that the V agents were defeated that easily. "Kaiko," he sighed. "I told you it wouldn't work."

"Had to try," the leader grunted out from the ground, his voice pained.

Tsuneyoshi leaned forward and steepled his fingers. "I've planted multiple bombs around Tokyo," he informed Kakashi coldly. "If you lay even a single finger on me, then they will be detonated. Are you willing to have all those human lives on your conscience?"

Kakashi was silent for a moment.

Then, he smirked. "Bombs, you say? You mean the bomb located underneath in a bag sitting on the bench in Crystal Park? Or perhaps the bomb hidden inside the daycare center over in Akifushiro? Or maybe you were talking about the bomb inside a conference room in the Central Tokyo Hospital? I can go on if you want me to."

Tsuneyoshi's eyes widened. "How did you - "

"Bitch, please," Kakashi waved his hand dismissively. "I can count the number of people better at espionage than me on one hand. Or did you genuinely think that I wasn't keeping tabs on your every move?"

Seriously. Shadow clones were awesome.

"I didn't even plant the bomb! I had V agents plant the bombs - "

"And I was keeping track of the V agents as well," Kakashi shrugged. "It's that simple. I also had a former member help me out. Kuzen sends his regards, by the way," he said to the V agent on the floor.

The V agent growled. "Kuzen, that motherfucking piece of - " His mouth was forcibly slammed shut by a sudden gust of wind.

"Language," Kakashi chided. "He's too good at brewing coffee for you to insult him. Anyway, Tsuneyoshi, you're out of options. Your bombs are already being defused as we speak, with signal jammers to ensure that you can't activate them forcefully. It's over."

Tsuneyoshi didn't respond, instead glaring hatefully at Kakashi.

"Come on, now," Kakashi coaxed. "You know what I want you to do - "

He was cut off when Eto skipped across, grabbed Tsuneyoshi's head before he could react, and slammed it repeatedly into his desk with tremendous force.

"Yes!" Suzuya cheered happily as he too joined in on the fun.

Kakashi and the others watched with disturbed expressions - sans Mado, who was grinning madly - as Eto and Suzuya mercilessly beat the living shit out of Tsuneyoshi. At some point, Tsuneyoshi fell out of his chair and curled into the fetal position on the ground, whimpering in pain as Suzuya played jackhammer with his kidneys.

"Should we... stop them?" Amon asked hesitantly.

"He planted bombs in a daycare center and a hospital," Shinohara emphasized. "I'd say that this is well-deserved."

"Fair."

Finally, Eto and Suzuya stopped, both of them with matching savage grins on their faces.

"You know, for a ghoul, you're pretty cool!" Suzuya said to Eto.

Eto chuckled. "Thank you, I appreciate it."

Kakashi walked forward and grabbed Tsuneyoshi's collar, pulling him up and angling his head to face the camera.

"Now then," Kakashi said cheerfully. "Resuming our conversation, Special Agent Shinohara... The dark truth the CCG has been hiding from everyone is that the Washuu clan - the founding members of the CCG - are ghouls."

And he jolted a pressure point in the back of Tsuneyoshi's neck that forced his eyelids to flutter open, revealing the black-and-red of a ghoul's kakugan, which had been brought out by the beating Eto and Suzuya had given him.

"That's right," Kakashi said. "The chairman of the CCG, Tsuneyoshi Washuu, is a ghoul. Same with every other member of the Washuu clan." He dropped Tsuneyoshi and turned back to the camera. "So I'm sure you're wondering: why would a clan of ghouls create an organization dedicated to hunting down ghouls?"

He smiled. "It's simple, really. Other ghouls, if allowed to roam free, could harm and even kill them. In order to protect themselves, they created an organization that hunted down and killed ghouls mercilessly. It's an ingenious strategy: the ghouls would be too busy fighting the humans and the humans would be too busy hunting down the ghouls, so neither side would focus on the Washuu clan."

"I see," Shinohara rubbed his chin. "And I presume everything about ghouls not possessing emotions and being heartless monsters are all false?"

"Of course," Kakashi nodded. "It's all propaganda spread by the CCG - or rather, the Washuu clan - to keep ghouls and humans apart and perpetuate the conflict. The truth is, ghouls are just like humans. They feel emotions just like humans. They hope and dream just like humans."

He reached into his pouch and brought out Glassy Sky. "I'm sure you've all read this book, or at least heard of it by now. Eto and I - Eto is Sen Takatsuki, by the way - personally interviewed the ghouls in this book. Everything is true. They wish to lead peaceful lives where they don't have to harm anyone. They are undoubtedly people. Just like countless other ghouls out there."

Eto nodded. "Once you're able to look past the CCG's propaganda and misinformation, the only real difference between humans and ghouls is the fact that we can only eat human flesh. And that can easily be mitigated by people donating their bodies after they die, or synthetic flesh, or human cloning."

"The only reason such methods have never been attempted before," Kakashi continued, "is because they would lead to peace - which the Washuu clan does not want. They wish to maintain the status quo of needless conflict so they would remain in power. However - "

And here his posture shifted to radiate power and authority, the aura of an S-class shinobi and future Hokage.

"I am telling you all right now," Kakashi said, his expression completely serious. "Peace is possible. There exists a world where humans and ghouls don't need to fight, a world of peaceful coexistence. The only question is... are you all willing to try to grasp it?"

He let the question linger in the air for a moment before shrugging. "Well, I'll let you all think on it. My job here is done. Oh, and one last thing."

The Investigators suddenly got a foreboding feeling when Kakashi looked at them with a glint in his eyes.

"I'd just like to take a moment to thank Shinohara, Mado, Suzuya, Amon, Akira, and Arima, who helped me on this journey to attain peace," Kakashi eye-smiled. "We are proof that humans and ghouls can work together peacefully. I'm honored to call them my friends."

Shinohara's jaw tightened and Mado's smile became strained.

"Friend?" Amon growled. "I'd rather throw myself off a cliff than be your friend."

"Amon, you just earned yourself a field promotion," Kakashi announced cheerfully before turning back to the camera. "I'd like to take this time to announce one more thing." He gestured at the Investigators. "These are my Holy Priests, my cherished disciples." They twitched, Eto watching on with amusement in her eyes.

A shadow clone popped into existence and took the camera away from Amon, allowing Kakashi to pull him to his side. "And this is my High Priest Amon Koutarou, my most trusted man!"

"Oh for FUCK'S SAKE - "

Kakashi smiled.

Chapter Text

The very instant the livestream ended, the public immediately went into an uproar that made all the previous ones look like little temper tantrums. Multiple forums and chat sites crashed underneath the sheer traffic, every single news channel went practically berserk as they rushed to cover the story, and a few riots even broke out on the streets. Which was completely understandable: after all, it had just been revealed that the only reason why so many people had been killed by ghouls was because the CCG had been manipulating events behind the scenes.

Public approval ratings of the CCG plummeted faster than the steel beams that struck Kaneki, and it quickly became the most hated government agency, easily surpassing the IRS by a solid thirty-six miles.

For the first time in history, a negative scale had to be implemented to the approval ratings just to appease the enraged public. The percentage reached triple digits in record time. Other government agencies watched on in horror as everyone in the CCG Public Relations department promptly resigned. Or had a mental breakdown. Or both.

Needless to say, the public was pissed.

The saying about how a single spark was all that was needed to start a revolution?

In this analogy, the livestream was less of a single spark and more of a Katon: Gouka Mekkakyu.

If people hadn't been convinced by Takatsuki's book Glassy Sky, then they were definitely convinced by this. Public sympathy for ghouls rose to an all-time high, and multiple cell towers were overloaded as hundreds of thousands of people called their elected representatives and government officials.

The ghoul community, even after witnessing the livestream, had doubted that anything significant would happen. They were far too jaded, too cynical. They thought that things would die down, that it would be swept underneath the rug, that there was no way humans could ever accept or have sympathy for ghouls.

So when, approximately four hours after the livestream had ended, they saw that the Japanese government had held an emergency meeting and passed multiple pieces of legislation which granted protection for ghouls and acknowledged them as actual people?

The entire ghoul community imploded as thousands of ghouls, for the very first time, felt hope.

During all of this, Kakashi remained blissfully oblivious of the utter chaos he had caused.

He had more important things to attend to.

「」

" - so with that, I'd like to thank everyone for their contributions. The victory that we accomplished today would not have been possible without the efforts of each and every one of you. We are now one step closer to grasping the peace we all desire. But for now, let us celebrate a job well done, and as always, praise be the Holy Log!"

"Praise be!" Nearly a hundred voices echoed back to Kakashi.

With that, the Investigators, researchers, and scientists dispersed in their celebrations. Kakashi blanched as a second statue of himself was brought out, before deciding he didn't want to open up that can of worms and tried his best to ignore it. It was a bit difficult, considering that a line had formed in front of the statue where the agents were apparently... praying to him?

Kakashi shivered slightly. He didn't want to know.

They had returned back to the 20th Ward CCG Center after incarcerating all the Washuu clan members in the headquarters. Arima had remained behind to assist in the cleanup. Recognizing the importance of good morale, Kakashi had decided to oblige his follower's requests in holding a celebration, thus the impromptu speech he had just given.

He paused for a second when he realized that some scientists were sipping their champagne from graduated cylinders and Erlenmeyer flasks. Huh. Well, a little eccentricity was to be expected, he supposed.

At any rate, Kakashi made his way over to where his friends were standing in the corner.

"I can't believe this," Amon said the moment he approached, his eyes fixed on the sacrificial flame a researcher had lit at the foot of his statue. "I refuse to accept it."

Kakashi smiled. "You don't have to accept it. You just need to have faith."

"I don't know what religious type bullshit you just sprouted, but I don't like it."

Kakashi chuckled. "Shinohara, how's the plan going so far?"

"It's working," Shinohara muttered from where he was scrolling on his phone. "It's actually working. Public perception practically did a whole one-eighty, and there are already talks of legislation being passed to grant protection to ghouls."

"We're also universally hated now," Akira remarked dryly. "Suddenly, a career in the CCG doesn't look that appealing."

"Yeah," Amon said gloomily. "At least you have it easy - you're technically only an independent freelancer. The social media of countless agents are already being attacked for no reason other than the fact that they work for the CCG. Their names are being smeared online." He narrowed his eyes. "I know some of these agents. They're good men. They don't deserve this."

"It sucks, doesn't it?" Eto said, looked exceedingly smug. "To be hated for what you are, rather than who you are. Doesn't feel good, huh?"

"..."

The Investigators all remained silent, shuffling around awkwardly.

Kakashi chuckled. "Nice one," he told Eto. He could always appreciate some good irony.

"Thank you, I try."

"I hate you both," Amon muttered darkly.

"Cheer up, Amon," Kakashi clapped him on the shoulder cheerfully. Amon recoiled, eyeing his shoulder with a repulsed look as if he was internally debating whether or not to amputate it to rid himself of the taint.

He looked tempted for a moment there, he really did. "You two are a sick combo," he growled instead. "It's as if you two were made for each other."

The Investigators blinked in confusion when Kakashi's face suddenly turned blank while what appeared to be a blush spread across Eto's cheeks.

"Do you... do you really think so?" she asked, a strange note in her voice.

"Yes!" Amon snapped, having not noticed anything in his overall denseness.

"No," Kakashi hissed as Eto turned onto him with an almost hungry look.

"Ka-ka-shi~" Eto smiled at him. It was a terrifying smile.

Kakashi was already halfway through molding his chakra for an Earth jutsu when a CCG technician walked up to them. To say he was grateful for the distraction would be an understatement.

"Hisaki! Just the man I wanted to see!" Kakashi called.

Hisaki paused, looking bewildered. "You know my name?"

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Of course I know your name. You are one of my faithful followers, after all."

Hisaki fell to his knees. "My Lord," he whispered reverently.

"Rise," Kakashi said. "There is no need for you to bow down to me, for in our heroic pursuit of peace, we are all equals."

Even as Hisaki rose to his feet, his eyes watered with unshed tears as he was briefly overcome by pure emotions. Numinous. He felt numinous.

"Now, is there something that you need?" Kakashi asked.

"Yes, My Lord," Hisaki nodded. "First of all, I'm here to report that the cleanup of the headquarters went off without a hitch. We - or rather, Arima - have apprehended all the ghouls, and they're all in custody at Cochlea."

"Good, good. Any casualties?"

"Yes. One of the Washuu ghouls, who was identified as Kichimura Washuu, also known as Furata Nimura, attempted to fight back against Arima. Witnesses describe the subsequent fight as a 'one man ping-pong match', with Arima being the player and Furata being the ping-pong. "

Eto snickered. "I would pay to watch a video of that."

"Second," Hisaki continued, "Do we have your blessings to spread the gospel to the public and attempt to convert them into worshipping Thy Holy Being?"

Kakashi shrugged, ignoring the Investigators' horrified looks. "Yeah, sure."

A fervent gleam appeared in Hisaki's eyes. "Thank you, My Lord," he bowed deeply. "That is everything I had to say. Fare thee well." With one last bow, he left.

Kakashi looked bemused. "Well then. I should leave as well. There's something I still have to do."

With a wave goodbye, he vanished in a swirl of leaves.

「」

"So." Kakashi's smirk was unbearably smug.

Touka glared back at him. "Fuck you."

Kakashi didn't say anything, instead continuing to look at her expectantly with that same insufferable expression.

"Fine!" Touka finally snapped. "So maybe you were right that peace was possible. I was wrong for doubting you. My bad," she said, sarcasm and insincerity dripping from her words.

Kakashi smiled contentedly. "Ah, thank you. It's always a nice feeling to see someone own up to their mistakes. I accept your apology."

Touka twitched.

"Anyway, I need to speak with the manager. Is he in?"

Touka shook her head. "No, he went out somewhere. He did give me an address to give you if you dropped by, though." She handed him a small slip of paper upon which an address had been written.

"Hmm. Alright, I'll head over there, then. See you - "

"Kakashi?"

"Hmm?" Kakashi paused.

And suddenly Touka looked uncharacteristically uncomfortable, unable to meet his eyes. "Thank you," she said softly. "Seriously. Thank you."

Kakashi smiled a genuine smile. "It was my pleasure."

「」

"A cemetery? Certainly quite the ominous meeting place, wouldn't you say?"

Yoshimura chuckled from where he was standing in front of a gravestone, not turning around to face him. "Is it? I wasn't aware that dead bodies bothered you."

Kakashi hummed, neither confirming or denying that statement. He took a moment to observe their surroundings. They were the only ones in the otherwise deserted graveyard. The gravestone Yoshimura was currently gazing at was clearly old, having already been partially eroded by natural elements and the passage of time.

There was only a single name inscribed on the gravestone.

Ukina.

It didn't take a genius to figure out who she was.

"She had desired a world where humans and ghouls could coexist together peacefully," Yoshimura said quietly. Kakashi remained respectfully silent. "I tried my best to carry out her wish, even if it wasn't an entire world but rather a single small coffee shop. Changing the world had always seemed impossible. But today..."

He turned back to look at Kakashi. "Today, you went ahead and did the impossible." A small smile spread across the aged ghoul's face. "I had always hoped we could achieve peace one day. Not once did I ever think that it would be within my lifetime."

He didn't thank Kakashi. He didn't have to. Kakashi already knew, far better than mere words could express.

"I just wish she was here to see it," Yoshimura said, turning back to gaze at the gravestone, his voice wistful. "Perhaps she's looking down on us right now in the afterlife - "

"She is," Kakashi said, not a single trace of doubt in his voice.

Yoshimura paused. "You believe in the afterlife?" he asked.

Kakashi eye-smiled enigmatically, as he was enjoying a little inside joke. "I do."

Yoshimura nodded slowly. "Just one more question. If you believe in the afterlife... then do you believe in the concept of heaven and hell?"

"Nah," Kakashi responded. He tilted his head as he realized what must've prompted the question. "You'll reunite with her one day, don't worry."

Yoshimura's brows furrowed in consternation. "Even if I'm evil?"

"And how are you evil?" Kakashi returned.

"I've performed many atrocious acts in my youth," Yoshimura's eyes morphed into the red-and-black kakugans even as they filled with remorse. "I am evil, Kakashi, and I fully accept that."

Kakashi hummed. "Perhaps," he acknowledged.

Yoshimura sagged, as if being crushed underneath the immense weight of his regrets.

"But," Kakashi continued, eye-smiling at Yoshimura. "To tell you the truth? I'd say you more than redeemed yourself afterward."

Yoshimura drew in a sharp breath. Then he smiled. "I see. Thank you, Kakashi."

「」

Kakashi let out a satisfied sigh as he finally collapsed on his bed in the hotel room he had commandeered all those weeks ago.

It had been a long day, and he wanted to rest. He had definitely earned it.

Before that, however...

Kakashi opened up his laptop and navigated over to the vod of the livestream. He admitted he was rather curious to see what people had thought of it. The technicians must have added a stream chat feature for a reason, right?

Time to watch the replay.

The website was fairly intuitive to use. Kakashi clicked "play" and the vod started playing, the chat on a column on the side automatically scrolling down.

On the screen, Kakashi saw himself give the introductions before launching into a discussion with Shinohara. For a few seconds, he admired the excellent image quality. The technology of this world was truly amazing. Then, he began reading the chat.

「」

TheDogDemon: There's no way this is real. Someone tell me this is just a hoax and Kakashi isn't actually standing in front of the CCG Headquarters right now.

ArcherxBaeber: Nah, dude, it's legit. Turn on the news - it's on every single channel right now.

Stoned account: Are those real Special Investigators or just actors?

ArcherxBaeber: Yeah, you can check the CCG website.

Stoned account: Holy shit. What the hell is happening?

Itsajunglediff: Whatever it is, this is gonna be entertaining as fuck. I already have my popcorn and soda ready.

Kakashisuxlol: Idk why you guys are excited. Kakashi is such a lame cringelord. He deserves to get executed.

[MOD] KakashiSimp4Life: I will fucking smite you, you heathen. Banned.

[Kakashisuxlol has been banned.]

On the screen, Kakashi watched himself stroll into the CCG headquarters and immediately create a mud wall to block the bullets.

Stoned account: What the actual fuck.

[MOD] KakashiSimp4Life: BEHOLD THE POWER OF OUR MAJESTIC GOD!

The Kakashi in the video then began thoroughly dismantling the agents that attempted to stop him, defeating them all easily.

TheFaceofZed Holy shit, he's actually smurfing on these agents.

Iamtheboneofmysword: I WANT THAT.

Itsajunglediff: HE IS A PROBLEM.

IrishCriminalMastermind: This is indeed quite the curious display. Initially, I believed this was the work of paid actors and special effects, but I just hacked into the CCG Headquarters surveillance feed, and all of this is genuinely occurring.

IlIlIlIlIlIIlIl: IrishCriminalMastermind Oh god, it's a roleplayer. Lmao right, you "hacked" into the surveillance feed. Get real, kid.

IrishCriminalMastermind: I'm not surprised you doubt me. However, Jared Vu, perhaps you should reconsider your words.

IlIlIlIlIlIIlIl: Holy shit how the fuck do you know my name?

[MOD] KakashiSimp4Life: Whoaaa doxxing isn't cool, chill out IrishCriminalMastermind or else I'll have to ban you.

IrishCriminalMastermind: You can try.

The Kakashi in the video blew open the doors to the chairman's office and entered the room.

TheBurnedSpy: Things are getting real. I wonder how he'll approach this.

Stoned account: Isn't it obvious? He's going to beat the shit out of them.

True enough, three V agents dropped from the ceiling and attempted to fight Kakashi. Big mistake. Kakashi took them down in four seconds.

Itsajunglediff: POG

Iamtheboneofmysword: HE'S CRACKED OUT OF HIS MIND

Stoned account: ABSOLUTE FUCKING POGGERS

Itsajunglediff: Kakashi is actually constructed in an alternative manner.

ArcherxBaeber: Itsajunglediff what does that even mean?

Itsajunglediff: It means that HE IS ARE BE BUILT DIFFERENT.

ArcherxBaeber: ...

TheFaceofZed: LOOK AT THE MOVES, LOOK AT THE PLAYS - KAKASHI, WHAT WAS THAT?!

[MOD] KakashiSimp4Life: HE IS OUR BENEVOLENT GOD, THE SOLO KING KAKASHI.

Tsuneyoshi threatened the Kakashi in the video with multiple bombs planted around the city, and then Kakashi flipped it around by revealing he already knew and had countermeasures in place.

Then:

"Bitch, please," Kakashi waved his hand dismissively in the video. "I can count the number of people better at espionage than me on one hand. Or did you genuinely think that I wasn't keeping tabs on your every move?"

TheFaceofZed: Based.

Stoned account: I'm hard.

Itsajunglediff: He's actually a gigachad. No, he's THE gigachad.

ArcherxBaeber: Holy hell, he's deadass 5head as fuck. This is a genuine 200iq outplay.

TheBurnedSpy: Impressive. Truly impressive. I would have enjoyed working with him.

IrishCriminalMastermind: Agreed. We could pull off so many grand heists if we joined forces. Hmm...

Iamtheboneofmysword: Hey, but at least now we know that the Washuu clan are actually sketchy as hell.

Kakashifangirl: Kakashi is so cool, I actually love him!

On the screen, Eto and Suzuya began beating the shit out of Tsuneyoshi.

Stoned account: Isn't that the famous author who wrote Glassy Sky?

ArcherxBaeber: I think so, yeah. Also Jesus Christ, that man needs new kidneys after this beating.

And then. And then. Kakashi revealed that Tsuneyoshi was a ghoul.

For a good ten seconds, nobody typed a word. The stream chat was completely silent.

Then, the chat exploded.

Stoned account: wtf

TheDogDemon: ?

[MOD] KakashiSimp4Life: What the actual heavenly fuck.

Itsajunglediff: Oh god.

ArcherxBaeber: This is unironically a Top Ten Anime Betrayal.

And on it went, with thousands of users expressing their immense shock, disbelief, and betrayal.

Finally, the livestream came to an end, with the last image being Kakashi eye-smiling into the camera with a pissed off Amon next to him.

Kakashifangirl: Oh god, Kakashi's so hot.

[MOD] KakashiSimp4Life: Kakashifangirl DM me after this, I'll send you some photos from my private collection.

Kakashifangirl: ily

Stoned account: ... not sure why I expected anything else from a mod with that username.

[MOD] KakashiSimp4Life: Aaannddd that concludes this livestream. Now excuse me as I go freak out in a corner.

Kakashi was silent for a few moments after the replay ended.

His lips drew up into a small, slightly bemused smile.

Well then. That... certainly happened.

He shut the laptop lid and went to sleep.

And so, like a roaring tsunami or a swarm of Naruto's clones that caught the scent of ramen, change swept rapidly throughout the entire world at an unprecedented rate.

New laws were drafted and passed, increasing the rights of ghouls. One such law declared that the records of every ghoul were to be wiped clean, effectively letting them all start from a blank slate, regardless of past crimes. It left many people angry, and was by no means a perfect solution; however, the thing was that there was no perfect solution to be found. After all, would the ghouls have even committed those crimes if they weren't victims of their circumstances? Circumstances artificially engineered by the Washuu clan?

It was an ethical and moral dilemma that continued even to this day. However, the governments of the world wished to hurriedly get the whole thing over with, so they just hand-waved everything away.

Of course, even with a hard reset for every ghoul, some ghouls were unable to change their ways. They still attempted to hunt down and kill humans. These ghouls were shown no mercy, and were prosecuted to the full extent of law. Unlike before, however, they actually received a trial and a lawyer to defend them.

Interestingly enough, it was said that in the very first ghoul trial involving an S-rank ghoul who had murdered multiple people in cold blood, when the accused ghoul had first met with his defense lawyer, a look of mutual respect had passed between the two. The ghoul didn't attempt to eat his defense lawyer and even treated him politely; when later asked why, he had replied, "professional courtesy."

The CCG was renamed into the Tokyo Security Committee and continued to keep the peace. The researchers and scientists who had previously resigned were all rehired. Instead of creating new anti-ghoul measures, they were instead tasked with creating alternatives for ghouls to eat. Thus, their budget increased nearly ten times in size. Consequently, upon hearing the news of their budget raise, every single researcher and scientist fell to their knees and praised His Lord and Grace Kakashi, for he had generously rewarded them for their faith.

Within a few days, they had created a form of synthetic human meat that could be consumed by ghouls.

Within a few weeks, they were able to grow body parts from stem cells with the aid of growth hormones.

Within a month, they were able to create a drug that temporarily suppressed the RC enzyme, the enzyme responsible for ghouls being unable to consume human foods, allowing ghouls to consume food other than coffee.

Now that the source of the human-ghoul conflict was resolved, ghouls and humans were able to walk side-by-side out in the open without any fear from both sides.

Peace, at long last, was finally able to be achieved. It wasn't a perfect peace, naturally. Just like how there were human criminals, ghoul criminals still killed and caused havoc.

However, compared to how it was before?

It was pretty damn good.

「」

"Kaneki Kaneki Kaneki!" Hide burst into Kaneki's apartment, only to blink when he saw that Touka was there. "Touka? What are you doing here? Since when did you know Kaneki?"

Kaneki and Touka froze from where they were sitting. To pass the time, Kaneki had been helping Touka with her homework.

"Oh," Kaneki rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Umm... So you remember how I got an organ transplant from Rize a few weeks ago after a bunch of steel beams fell onto me?"

Hide nodded slowly. "Yeah?"

"Well, it turns out that Rize was a ghoul. And the doctor, in transplanting her organs, made me into a ghoul as well," Kaneki looked at Hide nervously. "And, uhh, Touka's a ghoul as well. She's been showing me the ropes of how to ghoul properly."

Hide blinked. "First of all, you can't 'ghoul properly'. 'Ghoul' is a noun, not a verb. Stop verbing nouns against their will." Touka's eyebrows scrunched together as she attempted to make sense of that sentence. "Second of all... what the hell?"

Kaneki nodded. "Point taken, and yeah."

"Please tell me the doctor was sued," Hide practically begged him. "Oh god, how do you even manage to malpractice that badly?"

Touka snapped her fingers. "Oh, that reminds me. What did happen to that shitty doctor, Kanou?"

"I don't know," Kaneki said. "Kakashi said he was going to take care of it though."

Touka winced. "Suddenly, I feel really bad for Kanou."

"I don't," Kaneki said softly.

"Me neither," Hide agreed.

A silence descended over them for a few seconds.

Hide clapped his hands together, another bright grin appearing on his face. "But enough of the gloomy stuff. Kaneki, Touka, you guys wanna grab a bite at Big Girl's? My treat."

Touka shook his head. "We can't. Ghouls can't eat human food - " she began but then froze.

"The new RC enzyme suppressant drug," Kaneki whispered.

He and Touka looked at each other. Then at Hide. Then back at each other.

"Sure," Kaneki said, standing up. "I'm starving for a hamburger."

He and Hide made their way over to the door, but then paused when Touka didn't move.

"Touka?" Kaneki asked tentatively. "You wanna come?"

Touka hesitated. "What do hamburgers taste like?" she asked in a small voice.

Kaneki frowned for a moment before his eyes widened in understanding. Then he smiled. "The hamburgers at Big Girl are delicious, Touka. The meat is juicy and savory, the lettuce gives off a satisfying crunch, the tomatoes add a layer of sweetness, the bread is soft and fluffy, and the sauce is simply delectable. You wouldn't want to miss it. Come on, let's go."

Touka nodded slowly. "Alright." She paused. "Can we get some cake after?"

Kaneki smiled. "Of course."

Off to the side, Hide's eyebrows were raised as he looked between the two. Okay. That's definitely new.

「」

"So. Kanou."

The entire table of Investigators grew solemn as Arima mentioned the doctor's name.

"He experimented on Kaneki Ken and turned him into a ghoul without consent," Shinohara said grimly. "On top of that, further investigations reveal that he had experimented on countless more people with an exceedingly high mortality rate. Fortunately, we were able to capture him before he could escape. The question now is, what should we do with him?"

There was a moment of silence.

"Ah," Kakashi spoke up, eye-smiling. "Leave him to me. I have some experience dealing with mad scientists lacking ethics and morals."

Shinohara nodded slowly. "Alright, then. We'll transfer him to your custody. Please don't kill him - it would involve way too much paperwork. Some slight maiming is alright, but please limit yourself if possible."

"You got it."

「」

"What do you do when you find yourself in a room full of orphans?" Kakashi asked.

Kanou blinked genially from where he was tied to a chair. "Dissect them to continue my studies on kakuhou implants - "

Kakashi sprayed Kanou in the face with a spray bottle. Kanou spluttered in shock. "Wrong answer. Try again."

"Test the effects of different experimental drugs on them - "

Another spray. Kanou spluttered again.

Kakashi smiled, a dangerous glint appearing in his eyes. "I can continue this all day. And the next day, and the next, and the next until you change your mind. I'm just a clone; I don't need sleep. The question is, do you?"

「」

"He's reformed," Kakashi declared cheerfully.

The Investigators stared at him skeptically. "Are you sure?" Shinohara asked.

Kakashi nodded. "Yup. After I switched out the water with concentrated pepper spray... well, let's just say he got motivated real fast to change his ways."

"... I don't want to know. Seriously, please don't tell me. If we ever get sued, plausible deniability is the only thing that's going to save us."

「」

"We need to talk about your cult," Amon immediately accosted Kakashi as he stepped into the newly named 20th Ward Tokyo Security Committee Center.

Kakashi blinked. "Cult? What cult?"

Amon growled and pointed to the side. "That one."

Kakashi glanced at the side to where an intricate altar had been laid out with a small gold statue of himself on top. Hisaki was preaching near the altar, a small crowd gathered around him and listening attentively. Kakashi spotted a few civilians in the crowd. His lips drew up in amusement.

"And so He has shown us that benevolence and forgiveness is the way, for even after we had shot upon Him, our Lord still granted us mercy and fought for us, and from this we shall take away..."

Kakashi looked back at Amon. "You mean my faithful followers? They're not a cult."

Amon's eye twitched. "Yeah, whatever. Whatever the case - tell them to stop bothering me."

"Hmm?"

"Ever since you announced to the entire world that I was your 'High Priest' and your 'most trusted man', I've had weirdos come up to me and try to talk to me. I cannot tell you how many times a researcher has asked me to deliver a sermon," Amon ranted. "Please, get them to stop."

Kakashi tilted his head. "Oh, I see." He raised his voice. "Hey, Hisaki!"

Hisaki and the group around him immediately turned to see Kakashi. They all promptly dropped to one knee.

"My Lord!" Hisaki exclaimed. "What is it that you need?"

"Amon here has a sermon he would like to give you all," Kakashi announced merrily, ignoring Amon's suddenly enraged look. "He has some trouble with public speaking, but he's wanted to deliver this speech for quite some time now. Can you guys help him work through it?"

"Kakashi," Amon hissed, looking betrayed. "Why?!"

"High Priest Amon!" Hisaki shouted. "Fear not! Come, share your wisdom."

"I despise you."

「」

"Looking at you now, I can't believe you're an SSS-rank ghoul," Touka groused.

"I'm not," Kakashi said, not looking up from where he was lazily lounging in his seat, catching up on the latest volume of his literature while sipping his coffee.

Touka looked puzzled. "You're not? How? You're definitely a hell of a lot more powerful than the manager, and he's SSS-rank."

Kakashi paused, looking up from his book. "Well, okay. I was assigned SSS-rank when I first appeared. However, as my exploits increased, my rank rose as well. They had to create an SSSS rank for me, and then an SSSSS rank, and then they gave up adding S's because it was getting way too long so they just went with S-squared rank, but then I defeated Arima so they finally settled on giving me an S-factorial rank."

Touka blinked. "Oh."

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Yeah."

「」

"Kakashi! Save me! Please!"

Kakashi furrowed his brow as Mado came to a stop in front of him, panting heavily and fear in his eyes. "Mado? What's wrong?" he asked in concern.

"She's going crazy! She's going to commit a war crime! You have to stop her!" The desperation and anguish was clear in Mado's voice.

"Now, now," Akira said in a deceptively light tone as she stepped toward them. "A promise is a promise. Hand them over."

"What's going on?" Kakashi asked, now truly confused.

"In order to get her to work with us to take you down, I had to promise to let her burn my entire collection of fine literature," Mado explained hurriedly, eyeing Akira warily. "I had hoped that she had forgotten, but apparently not."

Kakashi paused. "When you say 'fine literature', are you perhaps referring to..." He trailed off, taking out his own book from his pouch.

"Yes! The entire series," Mado grasped Kakashi's shoulders, his face etched with distress. "Limited edition too, with color images and bonus material."

Kakashi's eyes widened. "What?!" he gasped in genuine surprise. "Color images?!"

"And bonus material," Mado stressed. "You can't let her burn it. Please, Kakashi, I'm begging you!"

Kakashi placed a hand on his shoulder. "Don't worry," he said determinedly, his expression becoming serious. "I won't let any harm come to the literature. I swear to you."

Mado visibly relaxed in relief. "Thank you," he breathed.

Akira was watching the two of them incredulously. "You have got to be kidding me," she muttered. "Are you serious?"

In response, Kakashi pushed up his headband. He no longer possessed the Sharingan anymore so it didn't quite have the same effect, but the sentiment was still there.

Hold on...

He concentrated, and suddenly his eyes turned black-and-red. A ghoul's kakugan.

To her credit, Akira only tensed up slightly. "Alright, alright!" she threw her hands up in exasperation. "I give up. I won't burn your dirty books. God, this is unbelievable." Muttering to herself, she walked away.

"Thank you," Mado said to Kakashi, completely sincere.

Kakashi nodded solemnly. "Glad to help. Now, about those color images..."

"Meet me at the Hirashino Park tomorrow at six. I'll bring it."

Kakashi smiled. "Excellent."

「」

"Hey, so when are you going to enact your plan with Kaneki?" Touka asked one day when Kakashi was getting his daily coffee from Anteiku. "I'm getting tired of constantly babysitting him."

Kakashi frowned. "What? Oh, that? Nah, that plan went obsolete a long time ago. I had originally been going to get Kaneki to help me show the CCG that not all ghouls were monsters, but after I discovered the Washuu clan were ghouls, I didn't really need him anymore."

Touka narrowed her eyes. "So you're telling me all the time I spent babysitting Kaneki was wasted?" she asked angrily.

Kakashi regarded her with an indecipherable expression. "Wasted," he repeated contemplatively. "You know, I've been watching you and Kaneki interact in the past few weeks. You two have become quite good friends, hmm?"

Touka shifted underneath his gaze. "What's your point?" she demanded.

Kakashi hummed thoughtfully before eye-smiling. "Ah, never mind. In any case, to answer your question, it wouldn't be a complete waste of time if you say yes."

Touka frowned. "Yes to what?"

As if on cue, Kaneki and Hide came into the restaurant. Hide was practically dragging Kaneki along, a bright smile on his face, whereas Kaneki looked as if he was seriously regretting something.

"C'mon now, Kaneki. Do it," Hide grinned, pushing Kaneki forward.

Kaneki yelped as he suddenly found himself face-to-face with Touka. Blushing furiously, he managed to stutter out, "T-Touka, I-I really like you. D-Do you want to go out on a d-date with me?"

Touka's eyes widened. Her mouth opened but no sound came out. Kaneki bit his lip anxiously as he waited for her answer. Behind him, Hide was grinning and giving her the thumbs-up.

"O-Okay," she finally managed to get out, ignoring Hide's whoop of delight in the background. "But don't get any wrong ideas, rat. I don't like you or anything. I just want the free coffee."

But despite her words, she couldn't quite hide how her cheeks reddened slightly when Kaneki beamed at her.

Even after Kaneki and Hide left, Kaneki telling her that he'll text her the details later, Touka remained in the same spot, staring blankly off into space.

"So - " Kakashi began with a shit-eating grin on his face

"Not. One. Word." Touka hissed dangerously.

Kakashi laughed, holding his hands up in the gesture of surrender. "Alright, alright. Have fun~"

「」

"I'm curious," Akira leaned forward, regarding Kakashi with an intrigued expression. "What is your kagune?"

Kakashi shrugged. "No idea."

"No idea?" Shinohara frowned. "You've never used it before?"

"Nope," Kakashi answered. "Although now that you mention it, I am a little curious myself. How do you activate a kagune again?"

About two minutes later, he finally figured it out.

"Huh," Kakashi said as he experimented with moving the kagune around. "This is pretty cool, actually."

He had a rinkaku-type kagune, black and red in color. "It's more flexible than I had expected," he mused, giving it a few flicks and accidentally blowing a hole in the wall. And causing the entire room to shake. He blinked. "Oops. My bad."

Then, he turned to the Investigators. "I sorta wanna test this out. You guys up for a spar?"

They all backed away slowly.

"Maybe after you learn how to control it," Shinohara suggested, smiling thinly.

Kakashi sighed. "You're no fun. I'll go find Arima or something."

「」

"How is it?" Yoriko asked anxiously.

Touka swallowed the spoonful of stew, then smiled. "It's the most delicious thing I've ever tasted. I love it."

Yoriko beamed.

「」

"Hey, Kakashi-!"

Eto narrowed her eyes when Kakashi immediately disappeared when she called out to him.

"Hmm..."

「」

"Some people are actually out of their minds these days. Did you know that there's apparently a movement growing that's dedicated to converting people over to this 'Church of Kakashi'?" Touka shook her head incredulously. "I mean, who would be stupid enough to join such a thing?"

Kakashi eye-smiled at her. "You'd be surprised," he said cryptically.

As if on cue, Enji, the Devil Ape, and Irimi, the Black dog, both stepped into the room, their faces shining with open awe and reverence as they gazed upon his visage. "Lord Kakashi," Enji murmured in shock before they both immediately bowed.

"It is indeed a momentous occasion," Enji said, his voice choking, "for our benevolent Lord to grace us with his presence."

"Welcome to Anteiku," Irimi said. "Please, ask anything upon our lowly beings and we shall deliver."

Kakashi merely turned to Touka with a raised eyebrow.

Touka's face was completely blank as she stared at Kakashi, then at Enji and Irimi who were still bowing, then back at Kakashi.

"I hate my life."

"And why is that, Touka?" Yoshimura asked inquisitively, also stepping into the room.

Touka whirled to him in relief. "Manager, thank god you're here. Enji and Irimi have both gone insane and started worshiping Kakashi," she shuddered, ignoring Enji and Irimi's offended looks. "Please, they need help."

Yoshimura furrowed his brow. "What's wrong with worshipping Kakashi?"

Touka stared at him. "No," she whispered, slowly backing away. "No, no, no."

"Salutations, My Lord," Yoshimura inclined his head at Kakashi. "How are you this fine afternoon?"

"It's spread to you as well," Touka said, suddenly looking fearful. "It's gotten everyone at Anteiku. Is Yomo still alright? Oh fuck," she paled drastically. "I'm next, aren't I?"

Yoshimura frowned, stepping forward. "Touka, are you alright-?"

She bolted from the room.

For a moment, nobody spoke.

Then, Kakashi grinned. "See? I told you it would be hilarious."

Yoshimura chuckled. "Indeed... My Lord."

"That was some fine acting, by the way," Kakashi said to Enji and Irimi. "Bowing in unison was a nice touch..."

He trailed off slowly when he realized that Enji and Irimi were staring blankly at him and Yoshimura.

"Acting?" Enji asked, looking confused.

"What are you talking about, My Lord?" Irimi frowned, her expression completely genuine.

Kakashi blinked.

"Oh."

「」

It was a monumental occasion. CCG - or rather, TSC Investigators were meeting with Aogiri Tree members. The air was filled with tension as the two sides regarded each other.

Tatara, one of the leaders of Aogiri Tree, stepped forward to represent the ghouls.

Marude, a senior Investigator and division chief of the TSC, stepped forward as well.

"So. You all now have a clean slate, thanks to the new law. I guess that makes up for all the people you've murdered in cold blood," Marude said caustically.

Tatara's expression was cold as he stared down at Marude, as if he was looking at a particularly revolting insect. "What was that? I can't hear you over the sound of the CCG executives all being ghouls," he said softly.

Marude bristled. "We didn't know the Washuu clans were ghouls."

"Really? But you're a seasoned ghoul Investigator, aren't you?" Tatara tilted his head. "How... incompetent. No wonder you've never been able to even come close to taking down Aogiri Tree."

"We didn't have enough time," Marude narrowed his eyes. "Trust me, if we had a couple more months, all of you would be rotting in Cochlea right now."

As they traded barbed insults, the tension grew and grew until it seemed like the two sides would come to blows -

When Kakashi appeared in a swirl of leaves.

"Yo!" he greeted cheerfully with a two-fingered salute.

Immediately, the Investigators all fell to one knee. "My Lord," they chorused, as per usual.

Simultaneously, in a rather unanticipated turn of events, all the ghouls of Aogiri Tree also knelt down in respect. "Lord Kakashi," Tatara said reverently. The other ghouls echoed him.

There was a moment of silence as both sides realized what the others had said.

Slowly, they stood up, an unspoken understanding passing between Tatara and Marude.

"I do not like you," Marude growled. "But for the sake of peace, and following the teachings of My Lord... I suppose we have no choice but to move on."

"Likewise, while you've slaughtered my friends and family in cold blood," Tatara said, "We will follow Kakashi's example and work together with you in the pursuit of peace."

They gave each other a grudging nod. The tension finally began to dissipate as the assorted ghouls and Investigators relaxed from their battle-ready positions.

Kakashi smiled brightly. "Ah, I'm glad to see that you two managed to work it out. Truly a heartwarming sight to behold."

「」

A positively evil grin spread across Touka's face. "Hey, Kakashi? You should check out your Rule 34 page."

Kakashi frowned in confusion. "Rule 34?"

「」

Kakashi stared at the screen, his single visible eye filled with abject horror. "Oh dear Log," he choked out. "W-What is that? I - What the fuck?!" He rarely swore, but he felt this occasion justified it.

Touka was laughing from behind him. "My, my," her shoulders shook with mirth, "The Internet really outdid themselves with this one."

"Oh gods. Oh gods," Kakashi repeated like a broken record, his mind reeling. "What the hell is wrong with people? Why - Why is there an animal in this one?!"

Touka snickered. "Just wait until you see the fanfics people have written about you."

"Fanfics?" Kakashi asked warily.

「」

"Why," Kakashi said flatly. "Why. Why. Why are they shipping me with Amon. Why are they shipping me with Shinohara. Why are they shipping me with Arima. All at the same time, in some weird harem arrangement. And..." He continued scrolling down, and his eyes widened in shock and horror at what he read. "Why am I pregnant in this?!"

Touka lost her composure, nearly falling over from how hard she was laughing.

Revenge was sweet.

「」

"Here," Yoshimura handed Kakashi a brown package, which he accepted. "An acquaintance of mine asked me to give this to you."

Kakashi hummed, opening the package to reveal a beautifully crafted mask and a small note written on fine stationery.

Dear Kakashi,

Hello there. I've been keeping tabs on your actions these past few weeks, and I'm quite delighted by what I've seen. The chaos you've caused was exquisite. As a sign of my appreciation, here's a mask I designed for you.

Regards,

Uta.

"How thoughtful of him," Kakashi commented as he held up the mask to examine it. It was all white with a simplistic design of a single mischievous smirk etched into the fabric. He gave a single nod before placing it into his pouch. "Please give him my thanks."

「」

"I just want some of your blood," Tsukiyama begged, throwing himself to his knees. "Please. Just a single drop. I'm begging you. I'm a man dying of thirst, and you're the only one who can sate it."

Kakashi stared at him. "What."

"Please."

Kakashi rubbed the back of his head awkwardly. "I mean, I just had a nosebleed because of... reasons," he coughed. "The tissue I used to clean up should be in a trash can back there somewhere..."

"Thank you," Tsukiyama said before sprinting to where he had pointed.

Bemused, Kakashi continued on his way. He paused momentarily when a scream of ecstasy sounded from behind him before he decided that he really didn't want to know.

「」

Eto never quite gave up on chasing after him, unfortunately. Apparently, someone (cough Touka cough) let it leak that he wasn't actually attracted to guys, much less dressed in green spandex - hey, in his defense her hair was green so it reminded him of that - so Eto revitalized her efforts in trying to get together with him.

Being the master at emotions and communication that he was, Kakashi resolutely continued avoiding her like the plague.

Until, that was, one day when she cornered him in his hotel room when he had let down his guard while reading his literature.

Nobody quite knew what happened in that room that night.

「」

"I'm getting homesick," Kakashi suddenly said one day.

"Oh thank god," Touka immediately said in relief. "Does this mean you'll finally get the hell out of here now?"

"Maa, I thought we were friends. But yes. This vacation's been fun and all, but I wish to return home now," Kakashi's expression grew sentimental. "I miss my cute little students."

Guess it was finally time for him to start tryharding again in recreating the modified Hiraishin.

「」

"I give up."

Touka and Yoshimura paused at Kakashi's declaration.

"On what?" Yoshimura asked hesitantly.

"Remember when I mentioned I was trying to recreate a transportation technique?" Kakashi asked. "I give up. It can't be done. I don't know how high Minato-sensei was when he made that thing, but I'm not willing to inject myself with a cocktail to find out."

"I... see. That's unfortunate then," Yoshimura said. "Then, without this 'transportation technique', will you be unable to return home?"

"Hmm? Nah," Kakashi replied. "There are other methods I can use."

"Why can't you just use your leaf teleportation bullshit?" Touka questioned, crossing her arms.

"The body flicker isn't true teleportation, and even then, it's only used for short distance travel. I need something with a little more punch. Anyway, if you could stock me up with a few day's worth of caffeine, that would be awesome."

「」

About a week later, Kakashi called for a meeting at Anteiku. Everyone was there - Arima, Mado, Amon, Shinohara, Akira, Suzuya, Touka, Yoshimura, and Eto.

"Yo," Kakashi greeted with a two-fingered salute as they all arrived. "I'm sure you're wondering why I called you all here today."

"Nope."

"Not really."

"Hell no."

"When it comes to you, we've learned that the phrase 'ignorance is bliss' is especially apt," Shinohara explained. "The more we wonder, the more painful it is for us."

Kakashi blinked, then chuckled. "Fair enough. Well, the reason why I called you all here is rather simple." He eye-smiled. "I wish to say goodbye."

There was a moment of silence.

Touka's eyes widened. "You mean..."

Kakashi nodded. "Yup. I'm returning home." He swept his gaze across the room, his expression growing fond as he recalled the memories. "Y'know, I really did enjoy the time we spent together. I'm glad I was able to meet you all."

"Wait," Eto interjected. "When you say you're saying goodbye... do you mean for good?"

Kakashi shrugged. "I'm not sure. I might come back, I might not. I honestly don't know. But I figured I should say goodbye anyway, in the event that this truly is the final time I see you all."

He gave them one last genuine smile. "So. I guess this is it. It's been a fun ride. See ya!"

With that, he took out a piece of paper with intricate ink designs on it, ran through some hand signs, and in a flash of bright white light, he was gone.

「」

"Say... Did we ever find out what Kakashi's face looked like?" Suzuya asked innocently once Kakashi had disappeared.

A silence descended over all of them.

"I really," Touka began in a heavily strained voice, "really hate how you brought that up."

"And now I'm thinking about it," Amon said, gripping his head tightly with one hand. "I want to know,

but there's no way for us to find out now. Damn it. Even when he's gone, he can still find a way to torment us."

"Are you really surprised?" Arima murmured.

Amon paused before he chuckled grudgingly. "No. I'm not."

Shinohara sighed. "Well, I suppose the mystery of Kakashi's face is lost to us forever." He narrowed his eyes. "No matter how much we're burning with curiosity, we'll never know what he looks like."

"Akira knows, doesn't she?" Suzuya suddenly said.

Everyone paused, and then turned over to regard Akira, who had been suspiciously silent the entire time.

Akira met their gazes with a blank expression, giving nothing away.

"You've seen his face?" Touka demanded. "What did he look like?!"

Akira tilted her head. "Y'know what?" she smiled. "I don't quite remember."

With that, she turned and began walking away, even as cries of outrage and anguish came up from behind her.

She had to admit, it felt pretty nice.

Her smile widened.

Perhaps Kakashi was onto something here.

「」

"Damnit idiot, are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"Yes, you bastard! Stop doubting my skills. You're not exactly helping here."

"What's wrong?" Kakashi asked.

"Sasuke here apparently doesn't know how to shut up while I'm working on creating a seal to - "

Naruto and Sasuke both froze when they realized who had spoken before whirling around.

"Kakashi-sensei?!" Naruto whispered in shock.

"You're back," Sasuke said, looking as if he couldn't believe his eyes.

Kakashi eye-smiled. "Yo. Sorry I'm late, I had to go lead a revolution and change the entire social order of a world."

As Naruto and Sasuke both paused at that excuse, Kakashi took the time to take in the pieces of sealing paper strewn around the room, the massive jars of ink, and thousands of failed sealing attempts.

"Have you two been trying all this time to create a seal to find me?" Kakashi asked, slightly amused.

"Yeah," Naruto nodded. "Didn't work, sadly. How did you get back? I thought Kaguya sent you to another dimension. At least, that's what Super Sage Gramps told us."

Kakashi chuckled. "I created a seal of my own, of course."

Naruto and Sasuke both stared at him.

"What," Sasuke said blankly.

"Well, okay. I had attempted to recreate and modify the Hiraishin at first to challenge myself," Kakashi said, "but when that didn't work, I just sat down and created my own seal."

"You're not a sealing master though," Naruto said slowly.

"I wasn't, as of about a week ago," Kakashi corrected. "Now, I am." Both Naruto and Sasuke still looked confused, so he elaborated. "I had never really bothered learning the fine arts of sealing before because I had never needed it. They were always more of Minato-sensei's style. But since I didn't know how to get back, I had no choice but to teach myself and master the art of sealing."

"Oh," Naruto blinked. "What the fuck?"

Kakashi smiled, patting Naruto on the head. "Don't worry, you'll understand one day."

"I can't believe you managed to accomplish something in a week when Naruto couldn't even do it in months," Sasuke shook his head in disbelief. "What in the world?"

Kakashi chuckled.

An Uzumaki? A reincarnated son of the Sage of Six Paths himself?

Please.

He was Hatake fucking Kakashi. If he wanted to get something done, then there was no force in this world or any other that could stop him.

"Now," Kakashi clapped his hands together, his expression growing deadly serious. "If you'll excuse me, I have something of the utmost importance to do."

Naruto and Sasuke both tensed up.

"What is it?" Naruto asked.

Kakashi didn't respond, instead disappearing in a burst of pure speed. He reappeared in his apartment, his eyes flickering around wildly before he located what he was looking for. In a blur, he was in front of his bookcase. Reaching out, he retrieved his precious Icha Icha.

His hands trembling, he opened the book and began to read.

And he smiled.

All was well.

.

.

Bonus alternative ending, as suggested by a certain Godot-sensei. Consider this an omake.

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT, THE WORLD IS ENDING! A FUCKING DEMON GOD JUST APPEARED OUT OF A CRACK IN THE SKY!"

"THE APOCALYPSE IS HERE! IT'S EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!"

Kakashi glanced at the television in Anteiku, blinking at what he saw. "Huh. Well that's a bit unexpected."

He disappeared, reappearing on top of a skyscraper near the apparent demon god. The sky above was cracked and fractured. News helicopters were circling him as the crowd in the streets grew silent when they realized he was here.

"Yo!" Kakashi called cheerfully, giving a small wave, his posture completely relaxed. "Naruto, what's up?"

The massive glowing nine-tailed fox waved back. "Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto grinned. "I finally found you!"

Down below, and pretty much everywhere else on earth where this was being broadcasted live, people started hyperventilating when they realized the supernatural creature had referred to Kakashi as 'sensei'.

At that very moment, any doubts about Kakashi's godhood instantly vanished. The Church of Kakashi grew a hundred times in size that day.

Kakashi and Naruto began chatting, oblivious to the chaos they were causing.

Then, a familiar head peeked out from the interdimensional rupture.

"Kakashi, my Eternal Rival!" Gai screamed, tears streaming down his face as he fell from the sky in a - wheelchair? - and landed near him. "I've finally found you."

"Oh," a voice spoke next to them.

Kakashi froze and whirled around. Eto had made her way onto the skyscraper as well, and was currently looking between Kakashi and Gai with an indecipherable expression on her face.

"Oh," she repeated in a smaller voice when she took in Gai's appearance. A bowl cut, a blinding smile, and... green spandex. "I see."

Kakashi's eyes widened in alarm. "It's not what you think-!"

"I cannot wait to resume our youthful activities once more!" Gai shouted exuberantly. "I have missed our contests, my dear Eternal Rival!"

Eto slowly began to back away, and Kakashi knew from the look on her face that all hopes of convincing her otherwise were lost.

Kakashi closed his eyes. "I... whatever. Naruto, Gai... Let's go home."

Chapter Text

Main timeline. Post-epilogue.

Naruto sighed as he reclined back in the Hokage's chair. He had heard that Tsunade had originally planned on making Kakashi the Rokudaime Hokage, but Kakashi had gone ahead and got sucked off into another world, so she was forced to directly give it to Naruto.

Well, okay. He said "forced", but Tsunade had all but shoved the hat onto his head, cackling the entire time. He had been a bit confused initially until he was shown into the Hokage's office – and, more importantly, the absolutely ungodly stack of paperwork that was waiting for him.

Apparently, Tsunade, believing that there was a very good chance that Konoha was going to be destroyed sometime in the near future, had decided to simply not... do any of the paperwork. Her exact words at the time had been "I'm not going to waste my time now if we're all going to be blown into oblivion anyway."

And perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad if she had decided to take this impromptu vacation after the destruction of Konoha had occurred. Then, it would only be about a week's worth of unfinished paperwork. But no, she had said this a good six months before Pain had attacked for some reason, coincidentally around the same time a diplomatic conference had been held in Iwa.

Naruto had no idea how she got away with it, he really didn't.

Even now, several months after the Fourth Great Shinobi had ended, Naruto was still working through the backlog.

Sometimes, he wondered if Sasuke had the right idea, going missing-nin.

Speaking of that bastard, after Naruto had tried to recruit him to help with the paperwork, Sasuke had gone ahead and tried to "assassinate" Koharu and Homura in order to get himself thrown into a maximum security prison.

And Naruto knew for a fact Sasuke could break himself out without breaking a sweat. He knew this because Sasuke had broken himself out every single week in order to work on the seal to bring Kakashi back, then promptly broke himself back in before Naruto could drag him off to help with the paperwork.

Naruto let out another sigh. Being Hokage wasn't as good as he thought it would be. Don't get him wrong, he loved the role and all, but sometimes it was really troublesome. And boring. Sage, was it boring.

It was almost a relief when a group of assassins infiltrated Konoha, snuck into his office, and tried to murder him.

「」

"Man," Naruto looked positively bemused. "They really sent assassins after me?"

Kakashi shrugged from where he was examining the tied-up assassins with a critical eye. Now that was another thing Naruto was a bit miffed about. He and Sasuke, the transmigrations of the sons of the Sage of Six Paths himself, had worked endlessly on a method to bring Kakashi back from whatever dimension he had disappeared into – only for it to all be for naught when Kakashi somehow created his own seal and made his way back.

"Maa," Kakashi drawled. "Looks like these are Ame fanatics who wanted revenge for Pain's demise. Speaking of which, your ANBU guards accidentally killed a couple of them."

Naruto blinked. "Really? Oh. I guess they were weaker than I had expected. Y'know, I'm honestly offended that they thought they would be able to kill me – OH SAGE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"

Kakashi looked up from where he was casually munching on the arm of one of the dead assassins.

"I was hungry." He then paused in realization. "Oh, I'm sorry." He held out the other arm. "Did you want some too?"

The other assassins and hidden ANBU in the room practically shit their pants in horror as Naruto stared at him with wide eyes. "Since when did you become a cannibal?! What the hell?"

Kakashi tilted his head. "I didn't mention? I'm a ghoul now. I can only eat human flesh."

"You're a WHAT?!"

Naruto stared at him for another several seconds. Then, in a golden flash, he blurred out of his office, rushing into the Konoha prison while tearing apart all the security seals in the process and breaking his way into Sasuke's cell.

Sasuke bolted upright, alarm in his mismatched eyes. "I swear, if you try to get me to help you with your paperwork again, I really will kill them this time - "

"Sasuke," Naruto said, his expression panicked. "Please tell me one of the powers you gained from your sharinnegan is exorcism. Please."

"What?"

"I NEED YOU TO EXORCISE KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

Sasuke stared at him. "... yeah, I really don't know why I came back here."

「」

"Yamato-sensei! You need to help me! Kakashi just – just ate someone!"

"Oh shit," Yamato cursed. "Not again."

"Wait. Again?!"

Main timeline. Epilogue.

"I've been reading a lot lately, and I think I've finally got it," Kakashi said, his expression completely serious. He held up his manga. "You, Touka Kirishima, are a tsundere."

There was a long moment of silence.

"What," Touka said flatly.

"It makes perfect sense. Every time you insult me, you're just trying to hide your true feelings for me."

Touka looked physically sick at the very thought. "God, no. Please don't say that."

"Denying yourself again, hmm? It's alright. You don't have to say it. I already know."

Touka shook her head slowly in abject horror, holding up her hands as if to shield herself. "Stop. Please stop. I – I can't. You're actually ill. You need help, Kakashi."

"Don't worry, Touka," Kakashi smiled. "You're precious to me too."

Touka whimpered.

Alternate timeline.

"If you won't eat... then I'll just have to help you!" With that, Touka slammed her hand against Kaneki's mouth, specks of blood trailing through the air and splattering Kaneki's face as Touka forced human flesh into his mouth.

"Holy shit, Touka, chill," Kakashi said, looking aghast. "Don't just... shove a pile of gore into his mouth like that."

Touka turned to look at him, ignoring Kaneki flailing around in panic as he dropped to his knees and spit everything out, gagging heavily and practically vomiting. "But he refuses to eat," she said simply. "And a starving ghoul is a danger to everyone around him and himself. Also, I'm pissed at him."

"Touka," Kakashi's voice was laced with disapproval. "This isn't the way to do things."

"Yeah?" Touka scoffed. "Then tell me how I should do it. Shove a needle into his eye for an IV infusion?"

"A bit overkill, but I do get where you're coming from. It would be rather disastrous if Kaneki here went on a rampage in public because he was starving." Kakashi turned to regard Kaneki. "As much as he may loathe the idea, he needs to eat."

"I'm glad you agree." Touka was already tearing off another piece of flesh from the corpse on the ground, but stopped when Kakashi held up his hand.

"Touka," Kakashi's expression was serious. "Hear me, and hear me well, for I'm about to impart a vital life lesson upon you that will serve you for many years to come. Using violence and force is never the way to do things. Instead, diplomacy and talking things out are vastly superior methods."

"You of all people should not be lecturing me about using diplomacy and talking things out. Especially not after you attacked the CCG Center literally earlier today."

"In my defense, I was just there to ask them a few questions. They were the ones who attacked first."

Touka didn't want to ask, she knew she shouldn't ask, but a strange morbid curiosity drove her to open her mouth anyway. "What questions?" she asked warily.

"Oh, just the normal ones. Favorite color, best coffee shops in the vicinity, how many CCG Centers I have to raid before the CCG offers an unconditional surrender... same old, same old."

Touka took a deep breath to calm herself down. It didn't work, but for the sake of her blood pressure, she pretended it did. "Whatever. Whatever. Moving on. Diplomacy and talking things out." She gestured at Kaneki. "You think I can talk things out with this guy?"

"Never give up, believe it!"

Touka stared at him. "What?"

"What?"

"Did you just say..."

"Hmm?" Kakashi looked confused. "I didn't say anything."

Touka shot him a skeptical look but dropped it. "Well, whatever the case, it's not going to work. Not with him."

Kakashi smiled. "We'll see." He knelt down to Kaneki. "So tell me. Why don't you want to eat that delicious, scrumptious piece of meat over there?"

Kaneki raised his head to look at Kakashi desolately. "It – it came from a human. A human who was just murdered. If I eat that..." a tear trickled down his cheek. "Will I really be human anymore?"

Kakashi was silent for a moment. "Tell me, Kaneki. Are you human because of what you eat?" he asked. "Is that really the metric you're going to use? Not your actions, not your thoughts, not your beliefs or morals or emotions, but rather your source of food? Does being a human really mean so little to you, that you could reduce it to what you put in your mouth?"

Kaneki went still.

"No," Kakashi shook his head. "No, that's not it. You know that's not it. Being a human is so much more than that."

"Then..." Kaneki's voice was small. "What does it mean to be human?"

Kakashi smiled. "Now that's for you to find out for yourself."

"So you don't know," Touka interjected flatly.

"I do know," Kakashi objected. "I just think it would be better for him to figure it out himself."

"Yeah, you definitely don't know."

"Such little faith."

"I can't," Kaneki suddenly said. Both Touka and Kakashi turned back to him. Kaneki was trembling as he stared at the corpse, one eye normal and one eye morphed into the red-and-black kakugan. "If I eat that, then I'll no longer be human."

"Huh? Are you stupid?" Touka asked. "Quit whining and just eat it already."

"No! I'm not like you damn monsters!"

Touka narrowed her eyes in anger, but paused when Kakashi chuckled in genuine amusement. "Silly Kaneki," he said, stepping forward. "I'll let you in on a secret. Even if you devoured that entire human from head to toe, you still wouldn't be considered a monster. Even Touka isn't a monster – more like a cute, adorable little bunny." He shook his head. "No, the title of monster is reserved for those who have committed the absolutely worst conceivable acts you could possibly imagine."

"So people like you?" Touka asked, raising an eyebrow.

Kakashi smiled. "People like me," he agreed, and for a second there was something in his eyes that sent her instincts screaming, but it was gone so fast Touka wasn't sure if she had imagined it.

"And so, eat, Kaneki," Kakashi finished.

"I won't," Kaneki shook his head wildly. "I won't. Never. I'm human. I'm human. I'm human."

Kakashi considered him for a moment. Then, he shrugged. "Well, I tried my best." He looked at Touka. "You can go back to doing what you were before."

Touka was already ripping off another chunk of flesh from the corpse. "See? Told you force and violence was the answer."

Kaneki widened his eyes. "W-wait, don't!"

That was around the time Yoshimura appeared, to Kaneki's immense relief.

Main timeline. Post-Arima fight.

There were a few things that Amon Koutarou truly feared.

He feared his father, Donato Porpora, the ghoul who had raised him with love and care while brutally killing and eating the other children in the orphanage. Oh, sure, Amon hated him, but he feared him as well, even after all this time.

He feared himself turning onto the path of evil. He feared being one of the men who started out as good men but then fell from grace and became rotten and corrupt. It was irrational, he knew, but he could never quite completely shake the doubts of him becoming something he would loathe in the future.

He feared being weak. Too weak to protect his comrades, too weak to save the innocents, too weak to stand against evil. He had been weak against Donato, and he had sworn to never be in such a state ever again. It was why he pushed himself so much, to the point where he was known as the second coming of Arima himself.

Above all, however, Amon Koutarou feared the ghoul Kakashi Hatake. He feared him for his unpredictable nature, he feared him for his chaotic personality, he feared him for the incredible power he wielded that could probably tear society asunder if he so wished. Admittedly, the fear was buried under tons of annoyance, anger, and frustration toward Kakashi, but it was still there.

Which was why Amon's heart had nearly stopped when he saw Kakashi bring his hands together in an odd cross-shape formation and create fucking clones of himself. Five of them in total, and seemingly capable of independent thought and action, judging by how they had dispersed to do their own things after they had formed.

Kakashi by himself was already an unstoppable force of nature that did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and wherever he wanted, leaving behind a trail of frustrated tears and shattered views of reality.

Multiple Kakashi's, however?

Amon shivered.

It might very well just signify the end of the world itself.

"Holy fucking shit," Shinohara breathed in an extremely uncharacteristic usage of profanity. He stared at the ghoul – ghouls – in complete horror. "You can create sentient clones of yourself?"

"It's doomed," Amon muttered. "Oh god."

Mado, for his part, hadn't reacted at all when Kakashi had created the clones. He merely stared at Kakashi with a blank expression on his face, not giving anything away at all. Then he tilted his head, hummed, and nodded to himself.

"Alright, I'm retiring. You guys can deal with this. Let me know when the Owl Extermination Mission begins so I can resubmit my resume."

"Mado, no!" Shinohara grabbed Mado's shoulder as he turned to leave. "Don't give up! Not now!"

Oddly enough, Akira was looking at Kakashi with a strange glint in her eyes that Amon couldn't quite decipher. She seemed to be breathing a bit more heavily than usual as well, for some reason. Amon frowned before shrugging. She was probably also just afraid at the thought of more Kakashi's in the world.

Kakashi was staring at them with a slightly bemused expression. "I used shadow clones in my fight against Arima, I'm pretty sure," he pointed out.

"We thought that was just a special combat skill of your kagune or something! We didn't realize that they were sentient clones capable of thinking for themselves!" Amon snapped.

"Ah," Kakashi smiled. "Well, the more you know."

Main timeline. Pre-Arima fight.

"What's wrong, Touka?" Yoriko asked worriedly as they ate their lunches – beef stew for her and some bread for Touka. "You seem... mad."

Touka sighed. "Sorry I've been in a bad mood. There's just been this man bothering me lately."

Yoriko tensed up. "A man? From our school?"

Touka shook her head. "No. I know him due to... extenuating circumstances."

"How old is he?" Yoriko pressed.

Touka paused. "Not sure, actually. In his thirties, I think?"

"A-And how has he been bothering you?"

"He's always seeking me out," Touka groused. "Even after I made it plenty clear I hate his guts and want nothing to do with him. Hell, he even appeared in my room one time."

Yoriko paled and pulled out her phone.

"Huh?" Touka frowned. "What are you doing?"

"Dialing the police."

"What?" Comprehension flashed across Touka's eyes. "Oh. No. No! It's not like that!"

「」

Kakashi watched with a positively bemused expression as Yoriko marched up to him, a determined look on her face. Touka already had her head in her hands, not willing to watch the ensuing conversation.

"I'm onto you," Yoriko said as she glared at him, jabbing a finger into his chest. "I know what you really are. I'll be keeping an eye on you."

Kakashi raised his eyebrows. "What are you talking about?"

"You dirty pervert," Yoriko hissed. "Go after girls your own age, you sick freak."

Kakashi choked.

Main timeline. Epilogue.

"... and that's why you should really consider writing novels of the fine literature genre," Kakashi concluded. "I know you write primarily dark horror and psychological thrillers, but I believe your muse will benefit significantly if you expand the scope of your writing."

Eto was smiling in amusement as they strode down the TSC hallways. "I see. I'll consider it."

"Excellent," Kakashi said before someone caught his eyes. He raised his hand in greeting. "Hey Amon – "

"Not now," Amon snapped, not even slowing down as he walked past them in the hallway.

Kakashi watched on with mild intrigue, taking in his outfit. Instead of his usual dark suit, he was dressed in casual wear, a grey button down shirt and dark jeans, as if he was going out for something. It was so unlike him that Kakashi almost didn't recognize him at first.

"What's the special occasion?" Kakashi asked, he and Eto falling in step on either side of Amon.

"None of your business – " Amon cut himself off. "Hold on. If I tell you that, then you're just gonna follow me anyway, aren't you?"

"Absolutely," Kakashi smiled. "Might as well save yourself the trouble and tell us now."

Amon sighed. "Fine. I'm going on a date right now at a restaurant, and I would really appreciate it if you didn't ruin it for me."

"Okay."

"No, seriously, I'm really – " Amon paused. "Okay?"

"Okay," Kakashi nodded. "Good luck!"

"That's it?" Amon asked, a wary look entering his eyes. "You're not going to try anything?"

Kakashi chuckled. "Ghoul I might be, but I still have some principles."

"Huh," Amon looked pleasantly surprised. "I see, then. Thank you." He checked his watch. "I should hurry if I want to make the reservation." With that, he rushed off.

"Amon's going on a date, huh?" Kakashi mused as he watched the Investigator leave. "Wonder what his type is."

"A cute five-foot-three blonde with purple eyes and long hair," Eto answered without any hesitation.

Kakashi paused. "And... how do you know this?"

"Because that's the fake profile picture I used on the dating app," Eto said nonchalantly.

Kakashi blinked. "You catfished him?"

"Yup."

"Holy shit," Kakashi breathed. "You monster."

Eto preened. "Thank you."

"Why did you even do it?"

Eto hummed. "Mado and I have entered a proxy war of sorts. I'm using Amon to get to him."

Kakashi shook his head. "That's evil."

"No," Eto disagreed. "What's evil is this."

As if on cue, Akira rushed past them. She too was dressed as if she was going out. Instead of her typically professional suit, she wore a white blouse and black leggings. She glanced at them for a second before quickly averting her gaze, apparently operating on the age-old logic of if I can't see them, they can't see me.

Kakashi watched her leave, his face carefully blank. "So..." he said once she was gone. "Let me guess. Akira's going on a date as well? With a man that has a suspiciously similar physical appearance to Amon? With the same reservation at the same restaurant? By sheer coincidence, of course."

"Indeed," Eto said. "Though I don't know if you can even call me evil for doing that. I mean, by this point, I'm just playing matchmaker, aren't I?"

"No. No, you are definitely evil," Kakashi said pleasantly. "Shall we go after them to see their reactions?'

Eto smiled. "I thought you'd never ask."

Main timeline. Epilogue.

Thanks to GreatT'Phon for the idea!

"It has come to my attention that there are quite a lot of... questionable Investigators," Kakashi announced.

Shinohara hesitated. "Do you have an example of what you mean by questionable?"

"Goumasa Tokage."

Shinohara winced. "Ah. Him. Alright, that's fair."

"Tokage?" Amon frowned. "Wasn't he one of the instructors at the CCG Academy?"

Kakashi nodded. "He was also an ex-interrogator at Cochlea. Highly sadistic, hates ghouls, loves torture. Not a good combination considering how we're attempting to strive toward peace."

"I hated the guy," Suzuya muttered.

"See? Suzuya gets it. Anyhow, I was thinking that Investigators and agents like him should undergo some sort of sensitivity training," Kakashi said. "Fortunately, I happen to have some experience in this regard."

"You do?" Akira said incredulously.

Kakashi nodded. "My former bosses" – the Sandaime and Godaime – "had put me in multiple sensitivity training courses before."

"And you're still like this?" Amon muttered under his breath.

For example, after he had given Team 7 the Bell Test, Hiruzen had given him one such course to remind him that one should not forcibly stick their fingers up children's asses. Especially if said child was the jinchuuriki of the strongest Bijuu.

Fast forward two years and he had been tossed into sensitivity training again, in which Tsunade had reminded him that when Hiruzen had told him "don't shove your fingers up kids' asses for god's sake Kakashi", it had also implied that he shouldn't forcibly shove his fingers up adults' asses as well.

Honestly though, it was Tsunade's fault. He still didn't understand why she had sent the student of the Yellow Flash to a diplomatic conference held in Iwa.

She should've expected it, really. Besides, the ambassador's reaction had been objectively hilarious. Tsunade just didn't have a sense of humor – or perhaps it was because of the stacks of paperwork she'd had to fill out after his stunt.

"Fine," Shinohara said after a minute of consideration. "Go for it. We're tight on funds anyway, after the researchers spent a good chunk of money on constructing a gold statue of you."

Kakashi smiled. "Alright, I'll get started right away."

「」

"Kakashi, what the hell did you do to those poor men?!"

Kakashi blinked. "Sensitivity training," he answered.

"Sensitivity training?" Shinohara repeated incredulously. "Kakashi, you nearly gave them nervous breakdowns. They all reported hearing weird whispering noises, always seeing something lurking in the corner of their eye despite nobody else being in the room, finding ominous messages in the most unlikely of places, feeling a prickling sensation on their skin, doors opening and closing for no discernible reason, lights flickering randomly... Half of them already went to get an exorcism!"

Kakashi chuckled. "Sounds like something one of my students would do."

"You used the carrot and stick method, only without the carrot and a spiked mace instead of a stick!"

"Exactly," Kakashi nodded. "Standard operating procedure for sensitivity training."

Shinohara stared at him incredulously. "What sort of sensitivity training did you go through?"

"Well, one of my old bosses would beat me with his pipe. My other boss would toss massive boulders at me for target practice."

"... that honestly explains so much."

Kakashi smiled. "Besides, it worked, didn't it? Most of the Investigators and agents are more accepting of peace now. Last I checked, Tokage had gone to apologize to Yamori for what he had done. I'd say it's a unilateral success."

Main timeline. Epilogue.

Thanks to Jen for the idea!

"What," Kakashi said flatly.

Eto looked up from the book she was reading. "Hmm?"

"What are you doing?"

Eto tilted her head innocently. "What are you talking about?"

Kakashi stared at the headband slanted over her left eye, the symbol of Aogiri Tree engraved on it. Then he shifted his gaze to stare at the dark mask covering her face. Finally, he looked down at the book she was reading – specifically, a yaoi manga that he recognized to be notoriously explicit.

"I'm sure you have an idea," he said.

Eto frowned. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Kakashi's gaze was decidedly unimpressed. "Oh, really?"

"Really."

"You're not copying someone right now?"

Eto blinked at him. "Nope."

"I... see."

There was some cosmic irony in here, Kakashi reflected, in how Eto was copying the Copy Ninja. Even though it felt wrong, he supposed he had to respect it –

Then Eto fucking eye-smiled at him. "I'm glad you understand!"

Kakashi twitched.

Alternate timeline.

A lot of you seemed to want this so here it is lmao

Kakashi blinked as he stared at something far off in the distance in the sky. Huh. He genuinely hadn't expected this at all.

"Are those fighter jets?" Touka whispered in fear.

"I believe so," Yoshimura said, his eyes slightly wide.

They were currently standing in front of Anteiku. The entire 20th Ward had been evacuated for the Owl-and-Kakashi Extermination Mission. After Arima had lost to Kakashi, the CCG had apparently decided to bring out the big guns. And when Kakashi said "big guns", he meant a full on carpet bombing, by the looks of it. The CCG had also somehow discovered the location of the Owl – Yoshimura – which was why they were bombing Anteiku as well.

Kakashi and the others had expected a normal CCG assault of Investigators and agents, which was why they had remained in the cafe waiting for the attack even as the civilians evacuated around them.

None of them had expected the CCG to literally call in an honest-to-god air strike on their location.

"We can't run," Touka said, her tone panicked. "Oh god. We're so screwed." She whirled to Kakashi. "This is all your fault," she hissed. "Fix it."

"Now, now," Kakashi responded lightly. "I'd say that half the blame goes to Yoshimura as well. It's the 'Owl-and-Kakashi Extermination Mission,' after all."

"I don't fucking care!" Her expression turned desperate. "Please. Anteiku is my home. Our home." Irimi, Enji, Yoshimura, and Yomo all had solemn looks on their faces. "Kakashi, please."

"Well, when you put it that way..." Kakashi eye-smiled. "I suppose I have no choice." He turned back to gaze at the fighter jets. They hadn't attacked yet, probably waiting for confirmation on the order – oh never mind, here they came.

Kakashi calmly watched them approach, his stance relaxed. The only move he made was to lift up his headband.

Then, his eyes turned red-and-black. Not the kakugan of a ghoul, but something else altogether.

Almost like spinning kaleidoscopes.

「」

Amon smiled as the sound of celebrations sounded around the CCG Center. It was about to be over. Kakashi would finally be exterminated today. Not even he could escape the blast radius of a high yield carpet bombing.

"I can't believe the Washuu clan was able to convince the government to green-light this," Shinohara muttered as they all stared at the massive live video of the mission being projected onto the wall as well as multiple mounted televisions. The fighter jets were quickly approaching, and video feeds from drones and surrounding security cameras showed Kakashi and the other ghouls not moving from their spots at all. It looked like they had accepted their fates.

"They gave up," Mado said before sighing in disappointment. "What a waste. I wanted to make a Quinque out of Kakashi..."

A loud cheer went up from the CCG agents, technicians, and scientists as the bombs were released from the jets, falling through the air. They were already uncorking the champagne and bringing out the firecrackers when –

Amon's eyes widened in absolute shock as he watched a gigantic humanoid being of blue light form into existence on the screen, so tall that it towered over some of the nearby skyscrapers. The room went completely silent.

Mado blinked. "What the fuck?!"

Amon stared in disbelief as the high-power camera zoomed in to reveal Kakashi suspended within the... the thing.

Then, the behemoth tossed out several enormous shurikens which struck the bombs moments before they hit the ground – and the bombs fucking disappeared, twisting into vortexes of nothingness. The fighter jets were quick to attack, unleashing a hail of bullets and missiles which struck the behemoth with unerring accuracy, sending a cloud of smoke billowing out. When it cleared, it revealed that the avatar had taken approximately no damage whatsoever.

"SHIT SHIT SHIT!"

"WHERE THE FUCK DID THE BOMBS GO?! DID HE JUST DESTROY MATTER? LAW OF CONSERVATION OF MASS, HELLO?!"

"NOBODY TOLD US HE HAD ACCESS TO A – A GIGANTIC WINGED BEING OF LIGHT!"

"Well..." Shinohara said as mayhem broke out in the CCG Center, the sound of shattering glass and uncontrollable sobbing filling the air. "That... didn't go well. This might just be the worst-case scenario."

"THERE'S NO WAY A GHOUL COULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS. THERE'S NO FUCKING WAY!"

"HE'S A GOD, HE HAS TO BE! THERE'S NO OTHER EXPLANATION!"

"HEAR HEAR! HE'S THE MESSIAH HIMSELF!"

"ALL PRAISE LORD KAKASHI!"

Shinohara closed his eyes tiredly as the agents, researchers, and technicians began fervently chanting Kakashi's name and praying for forgiveness.

"I stand corrected," he said, his voice filled with suffering. "Now we're in the worst-case scenario."

There really was only one thing Amon could say to that.

"Fuck."