Archive of Our Own ^beta

the anime adaptation:

part 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdDO8rHMJIc

part 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kttjcW1ax84

part 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gCtYbTRLNjo

part 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l_VyJgk30nI

one day abbacchio was in his humble back alleyway home behind a restaurant with no food or running water when all of a sudden he realized he was losing his long lucious lavender locks of hair. "fuck im balding." he said and went to bruno to help him with his bald problem. 

"bruno please help me i've become a victim of the most dangerous disease any man could have."

"owo did u get gonnorhea??!?"

"no bruno look."

brunos eyes melted from his eye sockets when he saw abbacchios head. "bruno i've become a victim of male pattern baldness!!" abbacchio cried. "please bruno i need your help." he begged to his bruno. "abbacchio i may have gone blind." bruno said with all of his eye liquid pouring out from his empty eye sockets. "im sowwy bwuno." abbacchio cried and ran away from the newly blinded bruno.

"no matter what i cant tell narancia or that ugly son of a cock deepthroater, giorno giovanna uGghhh he makes me want to VOMIT out my FUCKING ORGANS." abbacchio said with immense anger and hatred in his heart for that kid.

abbacchio went to fugo because fugo is smart and has all the brain cells in the gang. "please help me fugo for i have become a victim of male pattern baldness." abbacchio said and fugos brain deteriorated immediately upon sight. "haha funny man go uuuuhhhhhh." fugo said. "for fucks sake." abbacchio said and pissed his pants in front of fugo and he go "ooga ooga ooga pee." and jerked off to his math textbook. 

"i cant rely on anyone in this goddamn family." abbacchio said and went to mista. "please help me im suffering from male pattern baldness. ive been to everyone in this household with knowledge about male pattern baldness and i cant get help no matter what." abbacchio begged. "what makes u think i have the cure to male pattern baldness." mista asked. 

"cuz ur fucking bald and you smell like burnt food." 

"burnt food???!!?!?? bruh thats a new one."

"so can you help me with my male pattern baldness or not??!" 

"sure."

"ok what do i do???"

"ok so u have to make a special potion with specific ingredients."

abbacchio got out a pen and paper to write this down. abbacchio needs to cure his male pattern baldness.

"ok so one thing theres no measurements cuz i forgot so all u gotta do is experiment with it and see what works for you."

"ok got it."

"ok so you'll need viagra, jojo siwa makeup palette (extra asbestos), wood shavings from 30 in. x 80 in. Colonist Primed Right-Hand Textured Solid Core Molded Composite MDF Single Prehung Interior Door, juice from one of my dirty socks (you'll find one around here somewhere), one piece of old, moldy food from underneath narancia's bed, the entire process of photosynthesis (idk what that is fugo told me to do it), mexican black tar heroin, marinara sauce, uhhh hmmm uhh oh dick cheese (idk whose but it probably doesnt matter), i think thats it but i think there's one more but im not sure."

"that sounds very risky i dont like it." 

"trust me abbacchio it'll work. just look at me, i have luxurious hair now."

"i dont believe you in the slightest."

"you dont have to abbacchio now let me finish playing fortnite."

"fortnite has 4 in it." abbacchio said and mista had a stroke 7 seconds later and went into a coma for 4 months.

abbacchio left mistas room that smells significantly worse than a middle school boy's locker room. "wow i have to go shopping. man thats a lot of bullshit. i bet he's just trying to make me drink some stupid bullshit." abbacchio pondered as he went to the store to buy the shit he needs. 

abbacchio arrived at the store and his presence overwhelmed mostly everyone in the store. "im sorry im suffering from male pattern baldness i need to cure it." abbacchio said walking through the aisles to find the cure to male pattern baldness he found the viagra to make the male pattern baldness cure. "good grif." he said and bought the viagra. 

"next stop, home depot." abbacchio said dreading going to another store and scaring away all of the customers. he arrived at home depot and went to the door aisle. "it smells good in here." abbacchio said and 79 customers died from mesothelioma after acknowledging the presence of abbacchio's male pattern baldness. "i hate my life." abbacchio said and approached the sacred, beautiful, worshipped 30 in. x 80 in. Colonist Primed Right-Hand Textured Solid Core Molded Composite MDF Single Prehung Interior Door. 

he then got the wood shavings and then he got arrested for touching the most sacred object in the entire home depot. 

4 months later abbacchio got out of prison for assaulting the 30 in. x 80 in. Colonist Primed Right-Hand Textured Solid Core Molded Composite MDF Single Prehung Interior Door of home depot, still on his quest to cure his male pattern baldness. "i must get the rest of the ingredients." abbacchio said and went to get the rest of the ingredients. he then ventured to the supermarket to purchase some marinara sauce, purchased that said marinara sauce and went to mexico to buy mexican black tar heroin. "¿¡¿¿¿¡¿hola quieres los drogas???!?!" the drug dealer said. "just give me the fucking drugs." abbacchio stated and stole the drugs from the mexican drug cartel. 

abbacchio made his way back home to his fam to collect the sock juice and the moldy food he needed to make the cure to his male pattern baldness. "hey narancia gimme some of ur food." abbacchio said, dreading the conversation he's about to have. "why do you want my food." narancia asked very concernededly. 

"i need ur old moldy food from under your bed i dont care what it is i just need food man." 

"no u can not have my moldy food that is for me."

"ok listen here you little brat. i need this to live and survive and thrive in this world."

"why? are u dying or somethin????"

abbacchio was caught off guard. "shit. i can't let this little brat know i suffer from male pattern baldness. if it wasn't for me being overwhelmingly tall (6'9") my cover would have been blown. shit i need this food for the cure damn it!!" abbacchio thought to himself as he got an idea. he socked narancia in the throat and he was knocked out for 7 hours and could not breathe. abbacchio got what seems to be a 3 year old hot dog with what seems to be mayo in the bun but it looks fresh. "oh no please don't tell me... narancia is too young to do this." abbacchio said wondering if narancia had an organism in an old, greasy hot dog bun. 

abbacchio then travelled to mistas room for his old stinky sock. "give me ur sock." he stated. mista was not in his room. who the fuck knows where he went or what the fuck he's up to. abbacchio stole one of his socks, it stunk horribly and it was stiff. it was in the exact same place months ago before abbacchio got in prison. "thats fucking disgusting." abbacchio said and went on the black market to buy a jojo swia makeup palette with extra asbestoes. it arrived 8 minutes later. 

"ok so i guess i make this now." abbacchio said and went to the kitchen to a blender and put all the ingredients in. he put in the entire thing of viagra, he scraped out all of the makeup from the jojo siwa makeup pallete with extra asbestos, poured in the sacred wood shavings from the 30 in. x 80 in. Colonist Primed Right-Hand Textured Solid Core Molded Composite MDF Single Prehung Interior Door, rung out mistas sock into the blender, "holy shit that's fucking disgusting was there something growing in there?!???" abbacchio was completely disgusted. he then put the entire old, moldy hot dog in the blender along with mexican black tar heroin in the marinara sauce. "ok maybe this needs fresh dick cheese." abbacchio said and scraped his dick cheese off into the blender. "wow i can breathe again." he said and mixed it all together. "wow its disgusting." abbacchio said and looked at the slushy mess that's supposed to be the cure to male pattern baldness. "ok and the last thing is the entire process of photosynthesis." abbacchio said and left the cup of slush outside for a few hours.

a few hours later

"its time to drink up." abbacchio said and drank the entire cup of the slush. "wow i cant wait for this to cure my male pattern baldness." he said and went to sleep. then all of a sudden mista remembered something very important, so important he woke up from his 4 month coma to remember the most important ingredient to the cure of male pattern baldness. "FUCK I FORGOT TO TELL ABBACCHIO HE NEEDS AN ENTIRE CORN ON THE COB ONCE SHOVED UP AN ASSHOLE FOR THE CURE. SHIT. oh well he'll be fine." mista said and went to his room to play his new favorite game: fivenite. 

abbacchio woke up the next morning with a sense of dignity and pride, knowing that his male pattern baldness is 100% cured. abbacchio walked into the kitchen where he saw narancia, giorno, and mista talking about minecraft. "hey guys." abbacchio said. everyone started laughing at abbacchio. "why are you laughing. narancia did you draw another sharpie penis on my face again???" abbacchio asked getting ready to sock the kid in the throat. "NO I DIDNT AND IT WASNT ME WHO DREW THE PP ON UR FACE IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE." narancia said vaguely blaming the federal crime on someone else. 

"look in the mirror, cuck." giorno said further pissing off abbacchio. "im in deep shit man there's no goin back. i'm going to get the literal shit beaten out of me man." mista whispered to giorno and narancia while looking at abbacchios head. abbacchio looked in the mirror and gasped at what he saw. abbacchio was no longer a victim of male pattern baldness, and never will be for the rest of his life.

in more concrete terms: this bitch bald

abbacchio was furious, you could see the steam coming out from his ears. abbacchio was about to curb stomp a bitch and by that, all 3 guys in the kitchen. abbacchio looked at the 3 neanderthals in the kitchen and they scattered like mice when they see a cat. but this time it's 3 rats when they see abbacchio. "im GOING TO FCUKING CURB STOMP YOU CUNTS." abbacchio stated and chased giorno first because hes giorno.

he beat the shit out of giorno. he is on the floor and he is dreaming about froggies. then abbacchio chased around narancia who most definitely drew a penis on his face one time probably a year ago and socked him in the throat again. abbacchio saved the best for last, and by that, abbacchio is gonna get his revenge.

"WHAT THE FUCK YOU COCK SUCKER WHY AM I BALD YOUR CURE DIDN'T WORK I WANT MY HAIR BACK YOU FUCKING INCOMPETENT PIECE OF SHIT AND YOU SMELL LIKE IT TOO MY GOD. THIS SHIT DIDN'T WORK NOT EVEN IN THE SLIGHTEST. I WORKED MY HARD ASS OFF TO TRY TO CURE MY MALE PATTERN BALDNESS AND THIS IS WHAT I GET??? I TRAVELLED ALL OVER THE GODDAMN WORLD TO TRY TO GET MY HAIR BACK AND THIS IS WHAT I GET!?! AFTER ALL THAT HARD WORK AND BEING LOCKED UP IN PRISON FOR 4 MONTHS I GET THIS???? I BUSTED MY ASS OFF WITH THE SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS YOU GAVE ME. GET THIS GET THAT GO HERE DO THIS. AND I'M FUCKIGN BALD. I'M A FUCKING HAIRLESS MONKEY THANKS TO YOU, FAGGOT. I BUSTED MY BALLS GETTING THE VIAGRA, THE FUCKING JOJO SIWA MAKEUP PALLETTE WITH EXTRA ASBESTOES WHICH I HAD TO GET OFF THE BLACK MARKET, THE WOOD SHAVINGS FROM THE 30 IN. X 80 IN. COLONIST PRIMED RIGHT-HAND TEXTURED SOLID CORE MOLDED COMPOSITE MDF SINGLE PREHUNG INTERIOR DOOR WHICH I GOT ARRESTED FOR AND SENT TO PRISON FOR 4 MONTHS, YOUR FUCKING SOCK WHICH WAS REPULSIVE, MOLDY FOOD FROM UNDER NARANCIA'S BED WHICH I HAD TO SOCK HIM IN THE THROAT TO GET, MEXICAN BLACK TAR HEROIN WHICH I WENT TO MEXICO TO GET, MARINARA SAUCE WHICH WASNT A PAIN IN THE ASS TO GET, FRESH DICK CHEESE SCRAPED OFF OF MY OWN COCK, AND I BLENDED THAT SHIT ALL TOGETHER AND SET IT OUTSIDE SO IT CAN DO THE ENTIRE PROCESS OF PHOTOSYNTHESIS AND THIS IS WHAT I GET?? A CURE I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR FOR MONTHS AND MONTHS AND IT WAS ALL USELESS. COMPLETELY UTTERLY USELESS. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU. I HATE YOU WITH A BURNING PASSION MISTA. NOT EVEN GIORNO COUKD DO SOMETHING THIS BAD TO PISS ME OFF AND JUST HIS EXISTANCE REALLY MAKES ME LOSE MY MARBLES, BUT YOU. YOU'RE SOMETHING ELSE, YOU'RE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. YOU'RE A SACK OF CUM SHIT. WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? I AM PORTRAYED AS YOUR PATERNAL PARENTAL UNIT AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET??? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?? abbacchio screamed bloody murder at mista. 

there was a long wait of silence, but then mista spoke one word- no, one letter from his mouth that would seal his fate.

"k."

mista just committed a federal crime. he said "k" to abbacchio. the one thing not one single person wants to see or hear when saying or texting something very serious. abbacchio paused for a moment. he wanted to scream his head off at this sexy son-of-a-pornstar. but he decided not to. abbacchio took several deep breaths like he learned in his 3pm yoga classes on tuesdays and thursdays which he missed for the last 4 months. abbacchio paced the floor and made his decision. abbacchio made his own course of action and decided to beat mista to a grimy pulp. that's half the household that's gotten the shit beaten out of 'em by abbacchio. "damn karma really is a bitch." mista said and passed the fuck out. abbacchio nonstop fortnite danced over mista for 6 hours the end.