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Chapter Text

Ugh. 

Have you ever jumped into a lake in the middle of winter? Or refused to take your jacket when your mom told you to and then ended freezing to death? That’s what dying felt like, incredible coldness that seeped into your bones and past into your very existence. Like walking down the pouring rain and feeling every layer of clothing you wore get wetter and heavier by the second. Completely disgusting. 

To be honest I hadn’t expected to open my eyes again, I had made my peace with being dead. Unfortunately, life had other plans. I regained consciousness opposite of how I died, slowly then all at once. There was some background sound, probably a TV by the sound of it, and from what I could make of it, it seemed to be a baseball game, my head was too out of it for me to make it out completely, but I half expected to see my dad sitting next to my hospital bed; however, that wasn’t the case. 

I opened my eyes slowly, feeling completely rested, my entire body moving as I took a deep breath, taking in the daylight that was filtering into the room. There was an old looking fan on the ceiling, I frowned immediately, pushing myself up so I could sit on the bed. Everything was wrong, outdated, antique… vintage… I was in a vintage hospital room, and yet it seemed wrong. I took a deep breath, placing a hand on my stomach and halted again. My stomach felt wrong, too hard, I looked down and looked at my hands. 

I had ten fingers, but… my hands were wrong, big, rough, masculine. I ran a hand through my hair and refrained myself from screaming as I noticed the length. My hair, hair that I loved having long, like a nymph or a mermaid, hair that I took hours caring after, my hair was short. There was something very wrong, I looked down again and realized the worst crime ever committed against me. I was wearing khakis. I stood from the bed to notice that I was wearing some sturdy boots too. My height was also wrong, I was too tall and I dreaded to accept what was happening to me. 

Then it happened. A woman walked into the room, also dressed in vintage clothing, she was trying to pass off as a nurse, and then she spoke. 

“Good morning,” she said as she walked into the room, and then checked her watch, “Or should I say afternoon.” 

She stood, clasping her hands in front of her, her long hair was curled and I felt the most awkward sense of deja vu. 

“Where am I?” I asked, my voice sounding deep, almost husky, so unlike the soft girlish tone that I was used to hearing coming from my mouth, this was very wrong. 

“You’re in a recovery room in New York City,” she said. 

I kept looking at her as if she had grown another head, I knew this script, I knew this place. I knew it because it was fictional, I knew it because it existed in a world of movies and comics and I knew it because I had seen it many times before, so the show needed to go on until I could see for myself the truth. 

“Where am I really?” I pressed, still uncomfortable by my voice. 

“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” the woman answered. 

I felt dread pooling at the base of my stomach, also hunger, but dread mostly. 

“The game,” I began impassively, “It’s from 1941, I know it because I was there,” or rather, Steve Rogers had been there, but semantics, I took several steps towards her, “So I’m gonna ask you again, where am I?” 

“Captain Rogers,” the woman began saying, I noticed the motion she did with her hand, calling for backup. 

“Who are you?” I asked at the same time that SHIELD agents walked into the makeshift room. 

I knew what I had to do, and I sincerely hoped that muscle memory was a thing in this body, I could have a full fledged meltdown over it later, I would have a full fledged meltdown later, but at the moment, I needed to get out of SHIELD. I pushed the two agents through the fake wall and made my run out of the room, ignoring the fake nurse and getting the hell out of dodge. I quickly disposed of the agents that tried to stop me as I walked out of the building. I just needed to give chase until Fury could catch me and then, then… then I would go from there, somewhere. I was not Alexandra Black for nothing. 

I ran through the busy New York street reaching Times Square where I stopped to marvel at the familiar yet alien signs on display, everything seemed to be brighter and louder and I wondered if this was how Steve Rogers had felt after walking out of the Rebirth Chamber in the forties. As I expected Fury caught me, his entourage all driving shiny black cars. 

“At ease soldier,” Fury called as I turned to look at him, he looked as imposing as he had done in the movie, but at my current height, I figured I measured greatly against him, “Look, I’m sorry about that little show back there, but we thought it best to break it to you slowly.” 

“Break what?” I asked, doing my best to look as if I was breathing heavily. 

“You’ve been asleep Cap, for almost seventy years,” Fury said. 

I fought off the urge to snort, if he only knew. I had been alive yesterday, several years ahead in the future, from a parallel universe where this was a movie series that had ended tragically for most of the heroes, I ran a hand through my now short hair. 

“Are you gonna be okay?” Fury asked. 

I decided to give him the short answer, “Yeah, I just… I had a date.” 

Two days later SHIELD had shipped me off to some weird place called The Retreat. From the outside it looked like an unassuming wooden house, but the inside, according to them, could withstand the HULk, not that I cared much for it. I knew that they were observing me so I did what any grown man would have done in captivity. I sulked, a lot. I saw the computer that they kept and asked the agent that delivered my food ‘how’ to use it, they guy showed me how to use google. When he returned several days later, I told him that I wanted to join ‘the Netflix’ and the guy snorted at me as if I had been some old fart, but it worked in my favor because he hooked me up to Netflix and I began watching series and movies. 

I also ran every morning and every afternoon, it kept me centered and kept the excess energy from consuming me from the inside. I still had many issues that I needed to go through, namely the fact that I was a woman that had somehow ended up inside of Steve Rogers, and not in the fun way, mind you. But in the weird, creepy, unexplicable way that kept me up most nights, because being in a man’s body when you were a woman was fucking weird.  

But back to my issues, in true millennial fashion, I pushed them away and focused on the other important things like Netflix, and googling lots of random shit to keep SHIELD off the loop. 

SHIELD returned me to New York close to Christmas, which was rude and a little depressing. Just when I was beginning to appreciate the hut in the middle of nowhere with fantastic internet access. But I did manage my best, and according to the bank statements that Fury had given me, Steve Rogers, Captain Steven Grant Rogers, was sort of loaded, obviously not Tony Stark loaded, but you can live in your little corner of the world unbothered with great internet loaded. Just what any young person of my time wanted. And since dating was strictly off the charts for me, at least until I felt comfortable enough in this body, read: probably never, I wondered if Captain America would be accepted into the priesthood. 

Back in New York, I did whatever an almost thirty something with almost four million dollars to her name and living in a state paid apartment would have done. I went shopping for clothes, since SHIELD’s taste was horrible and outdated. Several skinny jeans, slim fit t-shirts and dress shirts, a fashionable satchel, Calvin Klein boxers, a decent haircut, a brand new MacBook Air and a StarkPhone later, I felt ready to take on the world. Because Steve Rogers was handsome. Steve Rogers was the guy that I wanted to bang me like a screen door in a hurricane. 

But I was Steve Rogers and Alexandra Black, so perhaps I was developing a freaky Narcissus Complex, or perhaps I could appreciate the fine ass of America without it being weird, it was my body now. My very male body that I definitely didn’t want to have, not in this way anyways. But I made do, I joined the gym, learned how therapeutic it was to beat the shit out of sand bags and to send them flying across the gym, then in most Alex fashion, I joined a yoga class and then pilates and before I knew what was happening, I had joined SoulCycle with a bunch of old ladies that ogled me.  

Now being ogled was something that I dealt with while I was one hundred percent a woman, from construction workers to that random guy that yelled at me while I was walking down the street while minding my own business, it had been scary and the main reason why I was keen to drive everywhere I went. But in Steve’s body it was different, women, even when openly ogling managed to be much more respectful than men and they backed off quickly. By the first week of January I was just Steve from Yoga or SoulCycle, Stevie if the older women were feeling a bit maternal towards me. I was a very well educated young man it seemed. 

So in between my boxing, yoga, pilates, SoulCycle, the occasional Central Park run and my Netflix marathons I was completely booked. And in the back of my mind I was one hundred percent sure that I was annoying SHIELD with my adaptability to the twenty-first century. As shown by Fury when I decided to join Twitter. My username was @Steven_G_Rogers and my name was Cap'n' Murica. My bio was another shitposter’s paradise, ‘ Just A Senior Citizen Living His Best Life In The Twenty First Century’  and my location was another highlight, perhaps a couple of years before it truly mattered, but I was hip like that ‘ Straight Outta Brooklyn ’. 

The picture I had chosen for my Twitter had been an old picture from the war, I wanted the world to know that I was Steve Rogers, it was the least I could do and then of course my first tweet had been directed to the man himself Tony Stark and Twitter. 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steven_G_Rogers: Hey @TStark think you can help me with getting someone verified on @Twitter ?? Asking for a friend. 

You Know Who I Am @TStark:  @Steven_G_Rogers sure gramps, who’s the friend? 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steven_G_Rogers: @TStark it’s me, I’m the friend. 

That had been the exchange that had verified me on Twitter and that had Nick Fury visiting me just as I was getting ready to watch the fifth season of How I Met Your Mother. I dragged myself to the door when the bell rang and was surprised to see Director Eyepatch on the other side of the door. 

“Uh… how can I help you, Sir?” I asked as I led him inside the apartment. 

We both sat down in the small living room and I smiled tightly at him as I waited for him to begin talking. 

“Do you know what this is, Captain?” he asked as he handed me a file. 

I opened it to find my earlier Twitter exchange with Tony Stark and pictures of my profile, I frowned as I looked up at Fury. 

“That’s my Twitter, the google said that it was a social media to be used to engage in my freedom of speech, am I using it wrong?” I asked trying to sound dumb, perhaps the blonde hair and blue eyes would fool Fury. 

They didn’t, Fury squinted his eye at me, I wondered if he was squinting his other eye under the eyepatch, “Captain, you can’t just engage strange people on the internet.” 

“I thought Stark was approved, I mean, isn’t he your consultant or something? I was consulting him, after all you did give me that file,” I pointed out, it was becoming very hard not to smile at this moment. 

Fury sighed, “Just… don’t, keep a low profile Rogers, my agents have told me that you have joined several groups.” 

“Ah yes, yoga, pilates, boxing and SoulCycle, they’re really helpful, help burnout all the energy and Bobby is grateful that I’m not destroying his bags anymore, I’ve been thinking about joining martial arts, the youtube is very helpful with the videos, I am yet to find a place to learn, but I heard the ladies at SoulCycle talking about something called a FourSquare, it supposedly helps with locations and something called FaceBook, although I don’t understand why anyone would put their face in a book,” I rambled. 

Fury looked too done with me, I looked at him innocently, or as innocently as I could, I knew that Steve had that face expression range. 

The months kept going and I continued to be myself, I consumed all the pieces of relevant media that could’ve rat me out to SHIELD if ever said a reference out of place. I also joined a support group for women and by the time April rolled around I had offered myself to walk several ladies home after their workshifts. Since I was in a guy's body now, I needed to use it to the best of it’s abilities, keeping other women safe. Besides, most of them insisted on feeding me homemade food and most of the time it was really good, especially when it was from latino and black ladies. 

It reached a point where I realized that there was no way that Steve Rogers would’ve known how to cook, so I ended up signing myself up for cooking classes three times a week. Since I was not a bad cook myself, I was quick to move up through the levels of the course, the chef calling me a complete natural. Of course, at this point of my weird existence, I had mastered my body well enough to adapt to the changes, yoga and pilates were the real deal behind it. 

So I was Steve Rogers, SoulCycle enthusiast, yoga and pilates nerd, boxing prodigy, Twitter shitposter and chef in training, also Alexandra Black, captain America impersonator extraordinaire, international law lawyer, daughter, cross fit enthusiast and fangirl. I was having so much being hip, that when Fury walked into the gym where I had finished beating up a sandbag I was surprised to see him. 

“Sir?” I asked as he approached me. 

“I see you’ve adapted well enough,” Fury said as he walked towards me. 

I shrugged, “Everything’s relative, I learn new things every day, this kind of living was not possible for me back then.” 

“Does it measure up?” 

“Not really, some days I don’t feel much like myself, I wake up and it’s like I’m a completely different person, the bed’s too soft, sometimes too rough, I ‘died’ and came back to a different world, I guess I’ve been dealing,” I said as honestly as I could. 

Fury nodded and handed me a file, I opened it and saw the dossier on the tesseract. 

“This was Hydra’s,” I said looking at him. 

“Howard Stark fished it out of the ocean while he was looking for you, now it’s been lost to us,” Fury said. 

I schooled my features into disappointment, “How did you lose it?” 

“To a guy named Loki, not from around here,” Fury explained. 

“Does it ever end?” I asked suddenly, Fury tilted his head, “War, back then, we fought a war with the hopes of one day going home, living a plentiful life, perhaps children were on the cards, living with the memories of war as best as we could, but I’m awake seventy years later, they say we won, and yet… we’re still fighting.” 

Fury looked conflicted for a moment, a thing that I didn’t know that he had in him at the current date, he was quick to compose himself, “There will be a briefing package waiting for you back at your apartment.” 

I nodded at him and moved to grab my bag, so much for beginning to watch Supernatural. 

“Captain Rogers, is there anything else you can tell us of the tesseract that we might not know?” Fury asked as I was leaving. 

I huffed, “You should have left it in the water,” I said as I walked out of the gym. 

The briefing package was long, but I focused on the tesseract rather than on the files of my teammates. There was no use, I already knew them all. I finished reading very early in the morning, thankfully not with a headache but with slight discomfort, I had been made for the law, not science, I shuddered before I took a quick shower and selected my clothes. A black t-shirt, black leather jacket, dark jeans, a black pair of sneakers. I styled my hair as carefully as I could and I looked more like Winter Soldieresque Steve Rogers, than Avengers’ Steve Rogers, which, fine by me, I looked less strung up and more comfortable. 

As I heard the doorbell I grabbed a pair of aviator sunglasses and grabbed my overnight bag before walking out. A nondescript SHIELD agent drove me to a small airstrip where the familiar yet unfamiliar figure of Coulson was waiting for me. I shook his hand with a smile on my face and watched him die a little, Coulson was one of the good guys. Coulson led me to the small jet that was going to take us to the helicarrier and handed me a tablet. 

I toyed with the idea of opening up Netflix, but discarded it as quickly, this was official business, I needed to be Captain America serious, so I began re-reading the information that they had on the tesseract. 

“We have been studying it for a while,” Coulson said as he joined me in the back of the jet. 

I frowned at him, “Hydra was making weapons with it, what could you possibly expect from it?” 

“We were looking for a source of sustainable energy, sir,” Coulson said, I noticed that he was a little hesitant. 

I offered him a smile as I turned off the tablet and stood, there was a stark contrast between the two of us, with Coulson wearing a suit and me looking as if I had stepped off a magazine.

“You should have looked another way,” I said with my best ‘Captain America is Disappointed in You’ face. 

Coulson seemed to shrink into himself, I sighed and placed a hand on his shoulder. 

“Look, uh, Agent,” I tilted my head to the side. 

“Coulson, sir, Phil Coulson,” Coulson said, I nodded at him. 

“Agent Coulson, I can see that you’re one of the good guys, but this entire situation could have been avoided if SHIELD hadn’t been playing with fire, I trust you will take and help take better decisions in the future,” I offered kindly.

 Coulson was looking at me as if I was speaking the holy word, I smiled at him. 

“It’s an honor to meet you sir, uh, officially, I… uh… I watched you, while you were sleeping,” I continued to smile as Coulson stumbled through his words, “I mean, I was present while you were unconscious from the ice, it’s just a huge honor to have you on board.” 

“Well, I hope I’m the right person for the job,” I said somewhat softly. 

“Oh you are!” Coulson exclaimed, as if he could somehow remove any doubt that I might’ve felt, I wasn’t, that was much obvious, I was not Steve Rogers, not in the sense that mattered anyways, “We’ve… uh, made some modifications to the uniform, I had a little design input.” 

“The uniform,” I mouthed and then looked at Coulson, “Isn’t the whole stars and stripe combo a little outdated?” 

“With everything that's happening, the things that are about to come to light, people might just need a little old fashioned,” Coulson said earnestly. 

I nodded at him and clapped his back, “I hope you’re right, Agent Coulson.” 

Several minutes later our jet landed on the airstrip, I walked out after Coulson promised to deliver my bag to the room that was going to be mine for the duration of the mission. I was very mindful of my hair products. Coulson led me through the airstrip until we came across Natasha.

“Agent Romanoff. Captain Rogers,” Coulson introduced us.

I smiled at her, “Just Steve, hi.”

“Hi,” Natasha said with a smile of her own, then she turned to Coulson, “They need you on the bridge. Face time.”

Coulson nodded at her, “See you there,” he said before leaving. 

Natasha and I exchanged glances and began walking towards the railing

“There was quite the buzz around here, finding you in the ice. I thought Coulson was gonna swoon. Did he ask you to sign his Captain America trading cards yet?” she said as we walked. 

I looked at her surprised, “They made trading cards?”

Natasha nodded,  “They're vintage, he's very proud.”

“That’s very swell,” I said then looked at her, “The trading cards, not the fact that they’re about me, that’s a little creepy.” 

Natasha smiled and was about to say something when we ran into Bruce, or rather he ran into us. 

“Hey, easy there,” I said as I held Bruce by the shoulders before he could crash into me. 

“Uh, sorry,” Bruce said as he took a step back

“It’s okay, no harm done,” I said lifting my hands and keeping a friendly smile on my face, “I’m Steve, uh, Steve Rogers” 

“Bruce Banner,” Bruce said, looking at me skeptically. 

I offered him my hand and he shook it, he had a really strong grip, or perhaps he was trying to show off. 

“Word has it you can find the cube,” I said. 

Bruce raised an eyebrow, “Is that the only word on me?”

“I mean, I’m sure they’re saying more things, everyone does, but I’m not one for gossip, unless it comes in the form of a television show, then I’m extremely interested,” I said with an innocent grin. 

Bruce chuckled and shook his head, “ Must be strange for you, all of this.”

I shrugged, “I mean,” I gestured with my hands, “not really, although I’ll give it to you, the internet is very weird, did you know-”

“Gentlemen,” Natasha said, interrupting me, now I was never going to know if Bruce liked sloth videos on youtube,  “you may wanna step inside in a minute. It's gonna get a little hard to breathe.”

“Oh!” I exclaimed and looked at Natasha, “Are we going under?” I asked as the helicarrier began shaking

“Really? They wanted me in a submerged pressurized metal container?” Bruce asked, I could almost see a forehead vein popping. 

“It can’t be that bad, can it?” I asked. 

Bruce gave me a look as we both moved closer to the edge so we could observe the lift fans, I could see Bruce cringing. 

“Oh no, this is much worse,” Bruce muttered. 

I felt sorry for him and placed a hand on his shoulder, he gave me a tight smile before we moved to follow Natasha inside. 

The bridge looked like something taken out of a fantasy story, which was ironic, because technically this was one. Fury was there looking like a cool dystopian pirate and I recognized Maria Hill, who somehow managed to look different from Colbie Smoulders, huh. Interesting. I needed to marathon Star Wars after this. 

“Gentlemen,” Fury said at the same time that I took out my phone so I could tweet about this, I waved at him absentmindedly.

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: woke up this morning feeling like going back to bed, should have done it when I had the chance. 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: So, have you ever been on a giant flying aircraft? I have. Still doesn’t beat crashing a nazi plane into the ocean. 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: Met a guy named Bruce, he’s pretty swell. People should be nicer about him. 

Once satisfied with my tweets, I returned my attention to Bruce and Fury, they were talking about gamma rays and algorithms, boring. I moved around the bridge until Coulson stepped next me and began telling me about his card collection. 

“I mean, if it’s not much of a problem,” Coulson said. 

I smiled at him, “Hey, it’s fine, do you have them here? I could do it now.” 

His eyes widened at my offer and he was about to say something when Sitwell, the hydra scum, began saying something about finding Loki. Fury told me that I was up and I looked at Coulson. 

“Go get them while I go get ready, meet me at my door in ten,” I told him, Coulson was not going to die without me signing his cards, dammit. 

I followed an agent down a corridor where they had my new suit, in all its spandex glory. My ass was definitely going to look fat in it. I sighed as I was left alone with the suit and began putting it on. Surprisingly, it was very easy to put on, although I hated the helmet, so I decided to go without it, I refused to look like a ninja turtle.

I had managed to sign Coulson’s cards before getting in the quinjet with Natasha. I offered her a smile as Coulson walked away with the giddiness of a child in a candy store. I sat on the back of the quinjet, shield in my hand, it felt both familiar and alien but despite that it brought me a sense of home and comfort. Knowing that I could beat the shit out of my enemies with it did the trick. I sighed before grabbing my backpack and pulling out a granola bar and handing another to Natasha with a stern glance. 

She took it without complaint and I was mildly surprised that I had managed to mother Natasha into eating a chocolate granola bar, I was getting good at this Captain America gig. 

“You forgot your helmet,” Natasha said after a moment. 

I looked at her and grimaced, “Yeah, I didn’t like it much.” 

“Not big about safety then?” she asked, her voice tinged with amusement. 

“You do know that I technically snuck into the army, that I got rejected four times before Eskrine managed to get me in,” I told her with an amused smile on my face.. 

“So an all time bad boy?” Natasha asked. 

I huffed and crossed my arms, “Not really, I just never liked bullies and I’ve never been above breaking the rules in order to get the right thing done, I mean, I did crash a plane into the ocean that cost me my life.” 

“You’ve adapted well enough,” Natasha pointed out. 

I shrugged, “It’s been difficult, but it hasn’t been hard, you have so much information at your fingertips and the google has been helpful.” 

“You’ve taken well to social media,” she also pointed out. 

I grinned at her, “Back then, we didn’t have things like the Twitter, and everything was censored. I like to express myself, although I still don’t understand the importance of a facebook.” 

“I could help you set it up,” she offered. 

“That would be helpful, the dames from SoulCycle have been nagging me about it,” I told her and I saw how she tried not to laugh. 

I was really good at pretending to be an innocent little shit. 

I waited until the right moment to crash Loki’s speech. Honestly, he had too much flair, I stepped in front of the old guy just as Loki used his scepter, Loki got blasted to the floor and I stood up to my full height, looking down at him. 

“You know, last time I was here there was another idiot who thought himself above others, we disagreed, now he’s dead and I’m not,” I said with a grin. 

Loki scoffed at me, offended, just as I had intended for him to be, “The soldier, a man out of time.” 

“Debatable,” I said with a grin. 

At the same time Natasha maneuvered the quinjet so it was behind me with all the weapons pointed at Loki. 

“Loki, drop the weapons and stand down,” she said through the speakers. 

Instead of standing down, Loki decided to shoot at the quinjet with Natasha moving away just in time. I sighed before throwing the shield at Loki, continuing to enrage him enough to begin fighting me one on one. The guy was strong, I had no doubt, but I was determined. He managed to almost push me down. 

“Kneel,” he growled. 

I managed to flip us both, “I’m not that kinky,” I hissed as I held him down. 

And with well delivered practice, I did as I taught my group of friends to do when faced with unruly men in dark alleys, I delivered a perfect placed kick that we had begun calling the nutcracker. As any man would have done, Loki went down with a painful howl, dropping the scepter as he clutched his family jewels. I smirked as I grabbed the scepter and retrieved my shield. 

“That looks painful,” said a voice behind me. 

I turned to see Iron Man, or rather, Tony Stark with his faceplate up while Shoot to Thrill sounded in the distance. 

“It’s intended to be, hi, I’m Steve,” I said with a grin, offering my hand. 

“Tony,” Stark said as he shook it. 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: And remember, Dames, if a man puts his hands on you and you don’t want him to, cut them off.

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers:  or you can deliver the equally efficient move that I’ve been teaching my group of friends about, the Nutcracker. @SoulCycleCindyNYC has a video of the move. 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: defend yourselves and keep the creeps away #CaptainAmericaApproves.

“So, you look a little spry for an old guy, what’s your thing, pilates?” Tony asked as I put my phone inside one of my many pockets. 

“Uh. me?” I asked dumbly, Tony nodded, “Well, I do pilates on tuesdays and yoga on thursdays, I try to hit the boxing ring every morning and SoulCycle every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I’m also taking cooking classes now, it’s wonderful all the things that you can learn,” I said with a smile. 

Tony actually looked surprised and I had to keep myself from smirking, I couldn’t ruin my boyscout cover this soon. 

“So being a Capsicle didn’t deter you from catching up?” Tony asked after he recovered himself. 

I shrugged, “The google is pretty good, also thank you for the help with the Twitter, I wanted to call you, tried to, but there was something about nobody believing me when I told them that I was Steve Rogers, I tried sending a basket.” 

“That was really you?” Tony asked. 

I nodded and was about to say something when we heard the strike of thunder, Tony and I exchanged glances and then looked at Loki, who still had a hand protectively over his nether regions… good. 

“Scared of a little lightning?” I asked. 

Loki gave me a look and then looked resigned before answering, “Not overly fond of what follows.” 

Five seconds after he had said it the ramp of the quinjet opened up and Thor stepped only to grab Loki and fly out. Tony and I exchanged glances. 

“Should we?” I asked, Tony nodded, “After you,” I gestured with my hand. 

Tony’s faceplate came down and he flew out of the jet and I almost squealed with excitement, then remembered that I couldn’t just squeal with excitement at the sight of Iron Man. I fixed the strap of my shield and sighed. 

“I’d sit this one cap,” Natasha called from the cockpit. 

“I somehow don’t trust Tony to reach an agreement with that guy over Loki,” I told her. 

She seemed to think about it and then nodded, “Do you need me to turn around?” 

“Nah, stay close though,” I said with a smirk before I jumped out of the jet. 

I had forgotten a parachute, dammit, defying gravity it was then. 

I grumbled as I trekked through the woods, at least the shield served well enough to break a fall, I was ninety five percent sure that this body was making me much more reckless than usual. I mean, it was basically indestructible but that didn’t give me the right to be jumping out of moving planes. After a while, because I was walking instead of running, I reached the small clearing where Tony and Thor were showing off their Macho abilities. 

“Hey! You two,” I called midfight, “This is enough, you’re both acting like children,” I said in my best ‘Captain America is very disappointed in you voice’, “Thor, what would your mother say if she’d see you destroying another planet and fighting with someone who’s trying to help?” 

“Mortal, you know-”

“Was I done?” I asked raising an eyebrow, Thor shut up immediately, “That’s what I thought, aren’t you supposed to be a prince or something, I bet you were raised better than to be a brute and a bully, beating up someone who is clearly much more breakable than you, now, you will follow us into the jet, bring your brother and we will talk about what we know, we have an entire team of people that your brother took and we want them back, once we’re done, you can take your brother back to your family.” 

I stood straight, trying to look as menacing as possible, Thor’s shoulders slumped after being chastised, Tony lifted his faceplate and looked to be about to say something, I raised an eyebrow in his direction and he smartly kept his mouth shut. We retrieved Loki, who looked none too happy as I grabbed bym by the shoulder and walked him to the quinjet. 

Chapter Text

I stood on the quinjet, a serene smile on my face that I knew was setting Tony off. When we made it back to the Helicarrier, I greeted everyone with way much more cheer than necessary and followed Thor to the main deck. There we watched as Fury questioned Loki on his motives and showed the trickster the consequences of the cage that he was in. 

“He truly grows on you,” said Bruce, fidgeting, “doesn’t he?” 

“I think that he needs to be grounded by his Ma,” I piped in, then looked at Thor, “I gather this isn’t your brother’s usual MO.” 

Thor turned his attention to me, and wasn’t he handsome, I almost sighed in delight, “he has an army called the Chitauri, not of Asgard or any known world, he means to lead them against your people, they will win the Earth for him, in return for the Tesseract.” 

I managed to keep my whoremones in check while Thor was talking and nodded seriously at him. 

“So are random armies common out there? Can we rent one too?” I asked. 

Thor frowned at me, while Bruce continued thinking, “so he’s building another portal, that’s what he needs Selvig for.”  

“Selvig?” Thor asked. 

“He’s an astrophysicist,” Bruce clarified.

“He’s a friend,” Thor told Bruce. 

“Loki has him under some sort of mind control, as one of ours,” Natasha said from her spot at the table. 

“How?” I asked. 

“How what?” Bruce asked. 

“How is Loki managing all this,” I pressed, “I mean, according to what Thor told us on our way here Loki was lost to Asgard and thought dead and now he appears carrying a glow stick capable of mind control and an army at his back, it sounds fishy to me.” 

Natasha raised an eyebrow at me, “what are you getting at?” 

“I mean, that I think that Loki is not our primary enemy but rather doing the heavy lifting for someone else,” I reasoned, crossing my arms and adopting the ‘I am Captain America and therefore right’ pose. 

“You think my brother is being controlled?” Thor asked, sounding hopeful. 

“That’s one way to put it,” I said, then grinned, “but you know, that’s just my humble opinion.” 

I was sitting quietly by the control table, a book in hand and my phone in the other while Bruce and Tony worked to get the Tesseract’s location. I guess I could have been knitting, but this was way better. 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: I don’t know guys, this Edward lad is so dramatic, and poor Bella (½)

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: I mean I wouldn’t have been caught in that awkward situation, rip to her but I’m different. (2/2) 

“Steve?” Natasha asked by my right. 

I looked up from my book as innocently as I could,”yes?”

“What are you doing?” she asked, confusion plainly written on her face. 

“Oh, I’m reading this book, Kayla’s daughter from Soulcycle recommended it to me saying that it was a cultural phenomenon, to be honest I still can’t see it, dames in the forties had more backbone than Bella does, and Edward is just so annoying sometimes, but it's probably due to bad writing, the side characters have so much potential,” I explained to her, feeling the stares from every shield agent on the main deck. 

Natasha forced a polite smile at me, “that’s great, Steve, I’m glad you’re fitting in so well.” 

I beamed at her, “me too, it was so weird at first, but I’ve managed so far, right?” 

Natasha placed a hand on my shoulder, “sure have.” 

I stretched my legs ahead of him and placed my pokemon bookmark inside the page that I had stopped reading, knowing well that Natasha had her eyes on me. I placed the book on the table and smiled at Natasha. 

“I better go check on Bruce and Tony,” I said as I stood, leaving a baffled superspy behind me. 

I walked into the lab just as Tony poked Bruce with the electric prod. And then began asking him what his thing was, so of course I needed to pipe in. 

“Soulcycle would be a good option,” I said casually. 

Tony and Bruce both got startled by my presence, I smiled at them innocently. 

“What?” Bruce asked. 

“To let out some steam, Soulcycle is a great option, you work most of your muscles and the team slowly becomes a family, the dames are really great and we hold cookouts every other weekend, you two yould join a class,” I said, keeping a smile on my face. 

“You want me to join Soul Cycle?” Tony asked, clearly baffled. 

“I mean, if you’d like to, we have a really good group, and we do pilates on tuesdays and yoga on thursdays, I told you, to get the blood flowing, also Theresa says that I have to keep my ass perky so we’ve added more squats to our routine,” I explained with a smile. 

“You’re truly into it,” Tony said. 

“Into what?” I asked innocently. 

“The whole yoga, pilates, soulcycle thing, I thought you had been joking,” Tony said. 

“Oh no, I really do enjoy it, that and the cooking classes, everything is so easy to learn now, and like I said, the google’s been pretty helpful,” I said with a grin. 

“That’s… really nice Steve,” Bruce said. 

I nodded, “so anyways, I came to see if you needed any help, perhaps some snacks? It’s been a while since I ate myself and I’m always hungry, it’s nuts,” I said as I pulled a bag of mixed nuts from my utility belt, “so… nuts?” I asked, offering the bag to them. . 

Bruce looked between me and the bag and looked at Tony who shrugged and grabbed a handful. 

“These are really nice,” Tony said as he munched on. 

“Oh, Mindy is the one who makes them, we buy the nuts in bulk and I just take them to her house after Soulcycle, she also makes granola bars, they're great,” I said with a smile, “Anyways, any news on the cube?” 

Tony and Bruce exchanged glances. I could see that they were both uncomfortable with the fact that they knew that SHIELD was hiding something from us. 

“You mentioned something about Loki, back at the bridge,” Bruce said slowly. 

“Oh, yes, well I stand by it, there’s something that’s wrong about this entire thing,” I told them, crossing my arms and trying to look serious enough, “There’s something both Thor and SHIELD aren’t telling us about this whole thing.” 

“Well, luckily for us once my decryption programmer finishes breaking into all of SHIELD's secure files, I’ll be able to see what it is,” Tony said as he pulled a bag of blueberries from his pocket.

I cocked my head to the side, “can you actually do that?”

“Jarvis has been running it since I hit the bridge. In a few hours we'll know every dirty secret SHIELD has ever tried to hide,” Tony said, sounding way too pleased with himself, he held out the bag to me, “blueberry?” 

“Sure,” I said as I took a few blueberries from the bag, “just be sure you don’t get caught in it.” 

Tony looked surprised by my words, “excuse me? Shouldn’t you be a paragon of righteousness?” 

I snorted as I threw a blueberry up and caught it with my mouth, “Nope, you do actually know that I tried to cheat my way into the army several times… you know that right?” 

Bruce and Tony looked confused and surprised. I smiled at them knowing that it would put them even more on edge. 

“Guess not everything gets written down in the books,” I told them, still smiling, “well I’ll go look around, maybe I can find something too.” 

With everyone busy with something, I ended up finding the phase 2 weapons really quickly and since it was still early decided to get something to eat. If there was something that I didn’t like much about being a super soldier was that I was always hungry. Thankfully SHIELD’s cafeteria was not that bad and I was able to get a decent sandwich before I returned to get the weapons to make a very dramatic entrance to the lab. 

I had overheard Natasha’s interrogation of Loki and decided that it was time. I don’t know if the universe was playing in my favor or if it just was my general awesomeness but I got to the lab right on time. 

“So what’s phase 2, director?” Tony was asking. 

I dropped the assault rifle on the nearest table and gave Fury a disappointed look. 

“Phase two is SHIELD using the cube to make weapons,” I said, then looked at Tony, “We used different decryption tactics back then.” 

“Rogers, we gathered everything related to the Tesseract. This does not mean that we're,” Fury was trying to bullshit his way out of this one.

“I'm sorry, Nick,” Tony was quick to say, moving the computer screen with the weapon plans, “What were you lying?”

I looked at Fury, squaring my shoulders and giving him my best disappointed glare, “I was wrong, director. The world hasn't changed a bit.”

The room dissolved into argument shortly after Natasha arrived with Thor. I did my best to stay silent and out of it. I kept my gaze on the scepter and winced when I watched it glowing so I did the logical thing. I whistled, effectively getting everyone’s attention to me. 

“Uh, remember when I told everyone that Loki was not the one we needed to worry about?” I asked. 

“What, ready to retract your statement, Captain?” Fury asked me. 

“Not at all, that thing is working its powers on us,” I said, pointing at the scepter, “and I also think that we’re focusing on the wrong thing at the moment, sure, SHIELD has been lying to get us in here, which, not cool,” I said with a glance at Fury, “but also, I’m sure that there’s more to Loki than what we actually know, and as someone who’s best friend did fall of a moving train and died,” I levelled a look at Thor, “what actually happened that led Loki to fall off a bridge into space?” 

Thor looked uncomfortable under my look, I raised an eyebrow at him. Then I felt the hairs on the back of my neck rising and my eyes widened as I realized that I had forgotten about something very important, and no, it was not that I had left my stove on. 

Chapter Text

The lab exploded sending us in different directions. I was quick to grab Tony before he could actually hit himself on something, since he currently was the squishiest human out of all of us. 

“You okay?” I asked. 

Tony looked a little frazzled but nodded at me, “I’m okay, thanks for that.” 

“No problem.” 

A moment later we heard Hill’s statement on the situation of the turbines. I helped Tony to the hallway and tried to get my earpiece back into working as we walked. 

“What can I do to help?” I asked Tony. 

“Find engine three and I’ll meet you there,” Tony told me, 

I nodded and quickly took off in the opposite direction. If only I had a map of this place, dammit. Eventually I managed to get to where the engine was, a piece of the carrier had been torn off, but I was sure we had bigger problems at the moment. I was not happy with being Captain America at this moment. 

“Tony, I’m here,” I said over the comms. 

“Good, try to see what we got there,” he said, “I gotta get this super conducting cooling system back online before I can access the rotors and work on dislodging the debris. I need you to get to that engine control panel and tell me which relays are in the overload position.” 

Not understanding a word from Tony, I decided to make my way to the engine control panel and just try to figure it out from there. 

“Uh, Tony.” 

“What’s it look like there, Cap?” 

“Like something out of Star Trek, I feel that I should be wearing a red shirt,” I muttered. 

“Yeah, no red shirt for you, buddy,” Tony was quick to say, “how are the relays?” 

“Uh, nothing seems broken here,” I told him. 

“Even if I clear the rotors, this thing won't re-engage without a jump. I'm gonna have to get in there and push,” Tony said.

“Are you sure about that? If that thing gets going you’re going to end up like shish kebab,” I told him rather unhelpfully. 

“Then stay in the control unit and reverse polarity long enough to disengage mag,”

“Can I get that in English please?” 

Tony sighed, “See that red lever? It'll slow the rotors down long enough for me to get out. Stand by it, wait for my word.” 

“That I can do,” I answered as I tried to calculate the distance between me and the lever. 

As I waited for Tony’s word I could hear pandemonium going on through the comms, and it was only logical that I was shortly joined by a group of mind controlled soldiers. I sighed as I jumped over to take on them before Tony was supposed to need me to pull on the lever. I even managed to knick a gun out of one of the goons and after a minute or two of trial and error, managed to shoot back at them, managing to keep my position. 

“Cap, I need the lever!” Tony said through the comms. 

“On it!” I said moving to pull down the lever. 

Another group of goons began shooting at me, I managed to pull the lever before shooting back at them. 

“You okay, Tony?” 

“Yeah, thanks Cap.” 

“Cool, I could use some help here,” I was quick to tell him. 

“On my way.” 

“These were in Phil Coulson's jacket. Guess he never did get you to sign them,”

I looked down to the bloodied cards and wondered just how angry Coulson would be with Fury once he got over being dead. Although I was not entirely sure about that one, especially since I had my doubts about the things that were actually canon in this current universe. 

I figured that as long as I didn’t steer too much out of my pre-assigned tasks I would be alright. Or, maybe the universe was already broken and I was free to live my life as nicely as I could while being Steve Rogers. I honestly hoped it was the latter. I picked up one of the cards and realized that Fury was in the middle of his monologue. 

“The idea was to bring together a group of remarkable people, see if they could become something more. See if they could work together when we needed them to, to fight the battles that we never could. Phil Coulson died still believing in that idea, in heroes,” Fury was saying. 

I looked around the table trying to look serious or impressed. Tony huffed as he got off and walked out of the bridge. I looked at Fury, raising an eyebrow at him.

“Well, it's an old fashioned notion,” he said, looking at me. 

“Yeah, I just think we need a little bit more than just old fashioned to fight aliens,” I said as I stood, “I’ll do my best, Sir, but I feel wildly out of my depth here.” 

I walked around a little before actually going to where I knew Tony was going to be. I was not really sure about what kind of conversation would follow. Sure, Phil had been an idiot for taking on Loki alone, and yes, perhaps SHIELD was pulling on all of our strings a little too much. But if there was something, or rather, someone in the universe that I trusted to do the right thing, it was Tony Stark. 

He was looking at the empty space where the cage should have been when I stepped in. 

“I’m sorry,” I said as I stepped into the room. 

“Sorry?” Tony asked, suddenly looking at me. 

“For Agent Coulson, you seemed to have known him well,” I explained. 

Tony sighed and then nodded, “he liked Pepper, they were friends, I uh…” 

“It’s okay,” I offered softly, “he seemed like a good man.” 

“He was an idiot,” Tony said, suddenly angry. 

“Yeah, he should’ve waited for some backup,” I said, walking towards Tony, “but I’m being a hypocrite, perhaps you too, we would’ve done the same thing.” 

Tony gave me a flat look, “I am not a little soldier marching on anyone’s tune.” 

“You’re not, but you’re a good man Tony,” I said, looking into his eyes, “I have no doubt in my mind that you would lay down your life in a heartbeat to save any of us, not many would do something like that.” 

“You would,” Tony pointed out. 

I smiled, “I’m an idiot. I’ve just lived through enough shit to actually recognize it… I mean, I did crash a plane into the ocean, me in it, and I didn’t even think to jump out before it crashed, I just went with it.” 

“You did, and now you’re here,” Tony said. 

I nodded at him, “and now we’re going to beat Loki in his own game.” 

“He made it personal.” 

“He did, but he wants more, he’s flashy, what he did here it's child’s play,” I said. I was not going to tell Tony everything, I wanted him to figure out some things. 

“Yeah. This was just the preview, this is- this is opening night,” Tony said, suddenly getting excited, “And Loki, he’s a full-tail diva. He wants flowers, he wants parades, he wants a monument built to the skies with his name plastered,” he paused as he suddenly got it, I grinned at him, “Son of-a-bitch.” 

“Seconded!” 

“OOOOOOH WE’RE HALFWAY THERE OOOH LIVI-”

“Cap, we’re about to land,” Natasha said as I was in the middle of my amazing solo. 

“Oh.. right, we’re going to fight the bad guys, right,” I muttered to myself as I moved around looking for my shield, “I can totally do this.” 

“We’ll have to establish a perimeter as soon as we land,” Clint warned from the cockpit. 

I blinked owlishly at him, “right, hopefully the aliens haven’t gotten to that street with the pastry shop, they make the best red velvet cakes in the whole state.” 

Clint stared at me, clearly confused by my words. Natasha was the one to actually take pity on him and explained that I was into a lot of modern things. 

“Oh now that you mention it, we should take a selfie for the twitter,” I said, pulling out my phone and getting in position, grinning and throwing a peace sign since I knew that Tony would appreciate it. 

I snapped the picture and smiled to myself at Clint’s confused face and Natasha’s glare. It was amazing, I immediately opened twitter. 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: Heading out to fight Aliens with my new besties lol #AvengersAssemble. 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: to all the citizens of Manhattan, please try to find a safe space, staying inside can save lives #CaptainPSA

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: Find your nearest metro station and take cover, these fuglies are real aliens #CaptainPSA

“Steve… are you done?” Natasha asked me. 

“Oh, right, sorry,” I grinned sheepishly at her, “off we go.” 

New York was in chaos… and I was honestly terrified. I was never ever… ever going to fight aliens again. It was a good thing this body was in such good shape because otherwise I would have been toast. I was meant to be a couch potato, never an Avenger, but it seemed that we couldn’t choose what we wanted to be anymore. Barbie would have been disappointed.

“I’M A BARBIE GIRL IN BARBIE WORLD, LIFE IN PLASTIC ITS FAN- fucking shit,” I absolutely didn’t shriek when Thor landed next to me waving his hammer a round, “Warn a guy next time. I almost had a heart attack, honestly you should be ashamed for scaring a senior citizen.” 

Clint snorted from his spot next to Natasha. We had been fighting the Chitauri for a while now. I had even had a scuffle with a local police guy about the parameter that I needed, especially designated to save the pastry shop. I was getting cake after this and no one was going to stop me. 

I looked at Thor who still looked uncomfortable, good, “so, what’s the story upstairs?” 

“The power surrounding the cube is impenetrable,” Thor said. 

“Thor is right, we gotta deal with this guys,” Tony said through the earpieces. 

Natasha looked at us, “How do we do this?” 

“With the power of friendship!” I declared with a grin. 

“I have unfinished business with Loki,” Thor said somberly and totally ignoring me. 

“Oh yeah! Get in line,” Clint said while preparing an arrow. 

I rolled my eyes at them, “forget about Loki, he’s not the important thing here,” I said with my serious voice, “without him controlling the aliens this thing could turn ugly so we need him right where he is. Afterwards you guys can call dibs on-, oh, hi Bruce.” 

“So, this all seems horrible,” Bruce said as he approached us. 

Natasha shrugged, “I’ve seen worse.”

“Sorry,” Bruce said.

Natasha was quick to wave him off, “No, we could- use a little worse.”

I pressed my earpiece, “Hey Tony, Bruce is here.” 

“Good,” Tony replied, “tell him to suit up. I’m bringing the party to you.”

We all turned around to see Tony flying around a corner with a Leviathan following him. It looked as cool as it had done in the movie, except it turned slightly terrifying as Tony got closer to us. 

“I don’t see how that’s a party,” Natasha stuttered. 

My eyes widened as Tony got lower and lower until the creature was basically skimming the road. I turned to Bruce who looked resigned as he walked forward. 

“Come on Banner, let’s go party,” I told him with a grin.

Bruce looked at me skeptically for a moment before he turned and transformed into the Hulk mid-walk only to punch the leviathan straight on the nose and smashing into the ground.

“HULK SMASH!” I cheered. 

Chapter Text

It was really cool how Tony exploded the leviathan before it could crush us. And here it was, the Avengers assembling, I bet we all would’ve looked very cool on camera as we stood in a circle with our backs to each other. There was a roar from somewhere in the sky and we looked up only to see more chitauri and monsters coming through the portal… right, we still had more of these things to kill. 

“Call it cap!,” Tony said and everyone turned to look at me expectantly. 

Right… I was the Captain… The Star Spangled Man with a Plan… except… I was literally just a girl. Damn. 

“Uh, right,” I said, squaring my shoulders, “we’re going to use containment, the perimeter is to be kept, Tony, everything moves past three blocks and you turn it to ash… Clint, I want you on a roof, eyes on everything, you see something weird, you let us know.” 

Tony and Clint nodded and left, Tony giving Clint a lift. I briefly wondered if it was painful. Then I looked at Thor… he was really handsome up close, but this was not the time to wax poetically about his flawless blonde hair and deep blue eyes that resembled a stormy day, right, back to the battle. 

I cleared my throat, “Thor, you’re on portal duty, slow them down, fry them up,” Thor nodded at me before he swung his hammer and was off, I looked at Natasha then, “You and I keep fighting here, ground level,” and then I looked at Hulk, “And Hulk,” I grinned in delight, “Smash.” Hulk grinned at me before he leaped off, smashing as he went. 

After helping Natasha catch a ride up with my shield I felt strangely alone but shrugged it off and continued on my non-therapy assigned task of beating the shit out of every alien that I encountered. It was freeing, it was doing wonders for my unresolved trauma. Eventually Tony caught up to me and we did the cool thing with the shield and his repulsors. It looked even cooler up close, I grinned at Tony before he finally flew away and I continued walking through the streets looking for Chitauri to kill. 

I was running to get to where Clint had pointed out to me that civilians were being cornered when I walked past a reflective glass that was doing a surprising job at not being broken. I looked at my reflection in the glass, stopping for a moment and turned around and scrunched my nose. 

“Does this suit make my ass look flat?” I asked mostly to myself, momentarily forgetting that I was hooked to the comms. 

“Captain,” Clint said after a moment through the comms, “the civilians.” 

“A right… sorry there,” I said sheepishly before I began running again, I could hear Tony’s laughter through the comms and Natasha’s silent judgment. 

Not everyone could look as good as she did in a tight suit and to be fair to myself I worked myself off on those squats for SHIELD to try and make my ass look so flat. This was America’s Ass. It was with a frown on my face that I managed to liberate the civilians that were trapped in the bank. Right until a grenade-like thing blasted me out of the window and onto a car. 

“Ow,” I complained as I pushed myself up, “Rude,” I muttered to myself, fixing my shield strap. I ran my free hand through my hair knowing that it was probably a mess by now, I sighed, “Shake it off, Stevie.” I was definitely not feeling the Kenergy at the moment. 

“You okay, Cap?” Tony asked through the comms. 

“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled, “I am definitely too old for this shit.” 

Tony laughed at my misery. I kept checking streets and alleys and was glad when I found Thor fighting a group on the ground and I went to help him out… because I was nice like that and not because he was like… incredibly handsome. That was definitely not the reason why. At all. 

I should have been paying attention to my surroundings or else I wouldn’t have been blasted right in front of Thor… it was so embarrassing. Thor, being the pirate angel baby that he was, helped me to my feet. 

“You ready for another bout?” he asked me. 

“Ya sure, I could do this all day,” not really, but Thor didn’t need to know that, “how bout you? Getting sleepy?” 

Thor smirked at me before we continued on. I definitely didn’t swoon. I did not. 

“I can do it, I can close the portal!” Natasha said through the comms. 

“Are you sure?” I asked. 

“No wait,” Tony interrupted me. 

“What?” I asked. 

“I got a nuke coming in, it’s gonna blow in less than a minute,” Tony said. 

Right… I had forgotten about the nuke. SHIELDRA’s nuke. The nuke chosen specifically to destroy Manhattan and the Avengers with it, the World Security Council’s nuke. That nuke. 

“And I know just where to put it,” Tony continued talking. 

“Tony, are you sure about that? Isn’t that like… suicidal? Are you okay? Tony?” I asked, trying not to panic. 

As expected, Tony closed off communications with us and I had to watch in horror as he took the nuke into the portal. Even knowing that there was a chance that he could make it didn’t make it any easier to watch. I tried to tell myself that this was necessary, Tony needed to see what was out there if I was going to put my twelve step plan to save the world and avoid being turned into dust… I didn’t like dust… it was probably my OCD. 

I heard Natasha mumbling something through the comms and knew that it was my cue. 

“Close it,” I said, voice tight. 

I held my breath as the portal closed, “come on, Tony,” I murmured. AND THERE HE WAS! PLOT ARMOR CONFIRMED, “he’s so grounded,” I muttered. 

“He’s not slowing down,” Thor said, starting to swing mjolnir to go and catch Tony. 

Hulk was faster, catching Tony mid fall and landing close to me and Thor. Thor and I ran towards Tony with Thor removing the faceplate while I tried to find a pulse somehow. Hulk’s roar startled both me and Tony and suddenly Tony was gasping and opening his eyes, and his face was too close to mine. His brown eyes were really captivating from this angle and I had to let myself fall back onto my knees so that I wouldn’t do something stupid like… kiss him or anything. 

“What the hell? What just happened? Please tell me nobody kissed me,” Tony said, looking around. 

I laughed, “I’ll have you know that many people would like to kiss me, Mister Stark, so you’d be lucky.” 

Tony laughed along with me. 

“We won,” I told him with a grin. 

Tony sighed in relief, Alright, Hey. Alright. Good job,guys. Let’s just not come in tomorrow. Let’s just take a day. You ever tried shawarma? There’s a shawarma joint about two blocks from here. I don’t know what it is, but I wanna try it.” 

“We could go for cake afterwards, I think this deserves cake too, there’s this cake store that I like. It is also close by,” I told him. 

“Sure thing, Cap, all the cake you want buddy,” Tony said. 

“We are not finished yet,” Thor said. 

“Killjoy,” I muttered under my breath. 

“And then shawarma and cake after?” Tony asked. 

We made it to Tony’s penthouse to find a Loki shaped crack on the floor and the god unconscious. 

“You guys think that was enough to recalibrate him?” I asked. 

“If it was not, Hulk can try hitting him against the other wall, I’ll have to fix it anyway,” Tony said with a shrug. 

“You still think he was being controlled?” Natasha asked. 

I nodded, “it’s… the whole thing doesn’t make sense, at all… like why allow us to gather if he wanted to subjugate earth? It is stupid… If I were evil I would do it through subterfuge and deceit… not whatever this circus was.” 

Tony had a pensive expression on his face, “I think… cap might be right, this was a mess straight from the beginning.” 

I nodded, “it was as if Loki was doing the bare minimum, just enough to cover his orders and enough so that whoever was pulling the strings was cut away from him… by us.” 

“I feel so used,” Tony said. 

“The real question is… who’d be strong enough to subjugate a god?” I asked, looking at Thor. 

Thor didn’t look particularly happy by our discovery and had a concerned look on his face. 

“Son of a bitch!” I said, suddenly remembering something very important. 

“Steve?” Natasha asked curiously. 

“I did sign Coulson’s cards.”

“What?” Tony frowned, placing down his red velvet cupcake. 

I stared at them, “I signed Coulson’s cards, in the Helicarrier… I signed them… so it means Fury ruined a perfectly good set of collectible cards just to try and manipulate us.” 

Tony snorted, “what a dick,” he murmured before he took a bite of his cupcake. 

I nodded, “I know right, total dickmove.”

“Hey, this is really good,” Tony said with a grin. 

“The best cakes on the whole block,” I told him and looked at Thor who was somehow on his second dozen, it was impressive and slightly concerning just how much the god could eat, “All right there, Thor?” 

“Aye,” Thor said mid-bite and grinning. 

Right… handsome but still a man, strangely endearing… like a golden retriever. 

Chapter Text

“STARING AT THE BLANK PAGE BEFORE YOU, OPEN UP THE DIRTY WINDOW LET THE SUN ILLUMINATE-” 

“Steve?” 

“JESUS CHRIST” I screeched clutching my heart and the pan clattered onto the stove and I managed to hold onto it before turning to stare at Tony who was holding a mug of coffee looking incredibly amused with himself, I sighed, “warn a guy, I am pretty sure I have a heart condition.” 

“Didn’t the serum take care of that?” Tony raised an eyebrow at me as he sat on one of the stools. 

“Eeeh, I’m talking about my psychological heart condition, do you know how jarring it was to wake up and be like this one day?” I said, motioning towards my body with my free hand, and then before Tony could say anything I grinned at him, “anyway, pancakes?” 

“Uh… sure thing, Steve,” Tony said, blinking very slowly. 

I kept my grin on and turned around to continue flipping the pancakes. It had been three days since the invasion and we had all been staying at Tony’s tower… because of course there was no chance that I was going to lose the opportunity to live through my very own 2012 Domestic Avengers Fic. It had been easy to get Thor and Loki to stay since the Asgardians had nowhere to go. I had decided to stay because Tony had asked me and staying at the tower was fun and better than going to my little apartment in Brooklyn. Bruce had stayed easily too. The hardest to convince had been Clint and Natasha, but I had given them my best puppy dog eyes and Clint had caved in… which had caused Natasha to do so as well. 

I still hadn’t been able to get Clint to check the vents with me, it was a work in progress but I kept dropping hints whenever Clint was around. Seeing Thor in the training room was always a blessing and not only because the god of thunder trained shirtless… no… well… maybe a little. He was handsome and I had eyes… very blessed eyes. I’m sure that Tony could be convinced to get a small altar to Frigga somewhere because that woman had brought us Thor into the world and she deserved to be praised and loved for it… Loki would probably also be on board… he didn’t need to know my ulterior motives for a Frigga shrine. 

But still, there was something in my bucket list that I wanted to do… and I was sure that Tony was the way to achieve it. I finished his pancakes and placed his plate, along with bacon and scrambled eggs in front of him. 

“There you go, Tony,” I said cheerily, “bon appetit!” 

“Your cooking skills still don’t fail to surprise me, cap,” Tony said, observing his plate curiously. 

“Oh… I think I mentioned I take cooking classes, didn’t I?” I said innocently, fixing up my plate which was probably three times the size of Tony’s. 

It made me happy. If there was one thing that I loved about Steve Roger’s body was that I could eat like a total beast and I didn’t get fat. It was the dream of every teenage girl with a strict mother. I could eat to my heart’s content without any worries. I was thankful for small mercies.

I sat next to Tony and happily dug in, drowning my pancakes in top quality maple syrup because Tony had the best things. I could’ve cried, it was so damn good. 

Focus Steven! 

I swallowed and looked at Tony, “so, Tony… I was thinking that perhaps we could be out helping the community.” 

“Huh?” Tony looked up from his plate, “I’ve given enough money to the community.” 

“I know, but I was thinking about going downtown and helping out… the ladies from Soul Cycle have posted on the Face Book that they will be organizing a potluck for the community,” I said earnestly, making my eyes wide and innocent and giving Tony my best pitiful look, “I’m going… but I’d like it if you guys could go with me too.” 

“To the potluck?” Tony asked. 

“I mean, there’s going to be a soul cycle class first… then the potluck, I’m making several lasagnas to share with the community, Beth is making her famous chili, Rhonda will be making potato salad, there are more plates being made, I could get you the list.” 

“It’s not necessary,” Tony was quick to say, then smiled, “and I’ll be more than happy to go, Steve, I’ll spread the word.” 

I placed a hand on Tony’s shoulder and smiled at him, “thank you, Tony, your presence there means the world to me.” 

Tony’s expression went funny for a moment, “ah..uh, sure Cap, it’s no problem, we’ll go, do you need help with the lasagnas?” 

“Do you want to help? I can always use a hand,” I said with my best smile. 

Tony nodded. 

Hook, Line, Slinker. 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: I never thought I’d relate to Miss Bella Swan, but that part in New Moon in which it's just the months in the pages, I felt that. #CaptainAmericaReads  

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: If I was seeing a specter of a loved one my first reaction would be to seek professional help… not jump off a cliff, I cannot condone this one Miss Bella. #CaptainAmericaReads

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: I still think that Charlie Swan is the best twilight character. I stand by my words #CaptainAmericaReads

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: Been listening to Speak Now by Miss Taylor Swift on repeat, such a lovely, talented young lady, it is good to see that the future of our country is in great hands. #CaptainSwiftie 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: Old men should stay away from young girls, I’m watching you. This is a threat. #CaptainPSA

“Uh… Steve,” Pepper Potts sat in front of me in her office. 

I tried to look as innocent as possible, I didn’t want to get on Pepper’s bad side… ever. 

“Yes, Miss Potts, how can I be of assistance?” 

Pepper looked at me and I could feel the cold sweat running down my back. She was such a majestic woman and I didn’t deserve to be in her presence. Still… It would be weird to ask for her autograph… right? 

“Steve… I understand that you enjoy using Twitter to express yourself,” Pepper began speaking. 

I grinned, “of course, I love how easy it is to express my opinion in this century and the fact that I can do it from my phone without my words getting twisted by second parties… it is truly amazing what the world has achieved, Miss Potts, this was the thing of dreams back then.” 

Pepper’s smile looked strained, “ah, that’s great Steve… but, you have to know that threatening people on Twitter is usually frowned upon.” 

I blinked, using full advantage of my angelic looks, “but I didn’t threaten anyone specific… is America not protecting young girls from pedophiles in this day and age? I understand that in my time many girls married off early due to societal pressure but… the world is different now… isn’t it? Girls are encouraged to follow their dreams, no? They don’t need creepy old men breathing down their necks.” 

“And I agree with you, Steve,” Pepper said, using her ‘reasoning’ tone, “but there are still people, people in power, that don’t see it this way… and will take your words the wrong way.” 

“Oh… right,” I said softly.  

“You did nothing wrong, Steve,” Pepper was quick to say, “if anything I am glad that you have these views and that you represent and care for the American people… just be a bit more mindful next time before posting, okay?” 

“Of course, Miss Potts… I shall be very demure and mindful when posting about these issues in the future,” I promised with a smile. 

“Thank you, Steve,” she said, returning my smile, “now, I heard from Tony that you and the Avengers are going to an event?” 

“Oh! The Soulcycle Potluck!” I said, clapping my hands excitedly, “would you like to come, Miss Potts, I know you’re busy, but do feel free to come with us if you find the time.” 

“Unfortunately I will be flying out to Tokyo to close on a deal, but I’ll be sure to send a gift, thank you for inviting me,” Pepper smiled. 

I melted a little inside. 

I was almost skipping as we walked in a group, the Avengers… plus Loki, to the Soul Cycle event. We were all dressed in sportswear, Thor and Clint helping me carrying the lasagnas while Natasha and Tony looked cool in their sunglasses, Bruce looked a little nervous and Loki looked as if he’d rather be anywhere else but here… he’d get used to it eventually, I would make sure of it. 

“Steve!” Cindy said excitedly when she spotted me through the crowd, “and you brought your friends!” 

“Ah yes,” I said sheepishly, “Hello Miss Cindy, these are my friends, the Avengers, guys, this is Miss Cindy, she’s my Soul Cycle instructor.” 

The group waved awkwardly. Cindy was a dear and was quick to direct us to a table to place the food before we entered the cycle room. Our bikes had been reserved and Cindy very professionally helped Thor and Loki with their bikes as the rest of the class filled the room. 

I said hello to Kayla and Rhonda and chatted with them about my reading. Kayla was still amused that I was reading Twilight since her daughter was reading it too. I managed to introduce Tony and Bruce around, Natasha and Clint were not really being sociable and Thor and Loki had been busy with their bikes. 

By the time the class began the vibe of the room was hilarious. I would have been laughing my ass off at Tony’s reactions, or Bruce trying to keep up… Natasha and Clint being scarily competitive and Thor enthusiastically screaming whenever Cindy did while Loki looked embarrassed. All in all, it had been a good workout and Beth had promised to take videos and pictures of the Avengers that I would treasure forever. 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: The best training is that done with friends #AvengersAssemble #SoulCycle [Picture of the Avengers +Loki in SoulCycle] 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: Train like a beast to eat like one lol #EatingLikeAnAsgardian [Picture of Thor and Steve with two giant plates in front of them]

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: is this what having a cat is like? [Picture of Loki sitting under the shade of a tree seemingly taking a nap] 

Cap’n’ Murica @Steve_G_Rogers: he was not napping, he stabbed Thor… apparently it is normal between Asgardian siblings as a sign of affection #TheMoreYouKnow #DontTryThisAtHome