Archive of Our Own ^beta

Jake glanced over at Captain Holt's office once again, the anxiety in his chest building up as he thought about the conversation he was desperately waiting to get over with. Amy watched him, looking at him sympathetically as he tapped his pen against his desk, attempting to distract himself from his current stuck situation.

"If you want I can ask him, I know how hard this is for you." Amy suggested. Jake loved that idea, in Jake's mind that would fix all of his current anxiety filled problems, except it wouldn't, and he had to do this himself. Jake shook his head at his wife.

"I need to do this, if I don't do it myself I think it might hurt his feelings." Amy nodded, agreeing with him. Jake glanced back over at the office, panicking slightly as he locked eyes with Holt. He quickly spun back around in his chair and stared at the desk, hoping by some miracle that Holt will just think he's working, but distracted. Apparently Jake doesn't get miracles.

"Peralta, see me in my office." Holt calls out towards him. He glances at Amy who nods encouragingly before he hesitantly stands from the creaky wheely chair. He strides towards the Captain's office, panic gripping his insides as he plastered a fake smile over his face. Jake enters the office and stops, his thinking slow as he silently panics. Awkwardly, he stands by the doorway, staring at Holt.

Holt stares at him expectantly before speaking. "Shut the door and sit down, please." Jake's body works on autopilot, his smile feeling a little too tense now as he closes the door, staring at Amy as he does so. The door clicks shut and Jake shuffles his way over to the chair in front of Captain Holt. Once he sits he realizes how uncomfortably silent this whole situation has been so far. He stares at Holt, his smile faint and distant, panic still grips his chest as he looks at his father figure.

"Was there anything you needed?" Jake asks quietly, his body having trouble cooperating with him the way he wants it to. This is Holt. Holt is inclusive, he helped Rosa with coming out as bi, he'll understand this. But then why did it feel like he couldn't breathe or focus when he glanced at the Captain's face?

"Are you okay, Peralta?" Jake nodded stiffly, this was going well, exactly as planned. He chuckled to himself, as he stared at Holt's near blank expression. Was he worried about him?

"Um, there's a thing I need to ask you." Jake eventually responds. Holt nods slightly.

"I assume that is why you have been looking towards my office for the past hour and a half." Holt comments. Jake internally winces. Of course he noticed.

"Um, it's kind of hard to say." Jake laughs again, he feels like he can't breathe. His eyes look towards the back of him, instinctively searching for Amy in this situation. "I need time off, a little more than I have saved I think…" Jake nods to himself, he's getting his point across.

Holt stares at him once again, before the bomb hit. "You have three weeks of vacation time saved up that you can use. Why do you need more?" Jake freezes, for a moment he wonders if he's going to cry.

"I'm getting surgery, you know how it is haha." Jake almost wants to claw at his skin, all of this makes him feel cornered. Holt nods again, before standing, Jake begins to feel overwhelmed.

"Let us talk about this outside." Jake nods and silently follows his captain to the outside area of the precinct floor. Jake spots Amy closing all, but one of the blinds to the area, so everyone else, but her, can be blocked out of view.

"You can pace if you need to, just explain." Holt offers. Jake leans against the brick wall, feeling his hands shake in his pockets.

"I'm scheduled for surgery." Jake breathes deeply, hoping the chilled air can calm him. "Only a few people really know about it." Holt nods once again, remaining silent.

Jake pauses, his shaky breaths hitching. "I know you probably won't, but I don't want you to look at me any differently." Jake wipes a sleeve over his face, catching the tears before they really fall. Holt must be so uncomfortable right now with Jake just stuttering and crying in front of him.

"I know you probably don't see it really, but you're like the dad I never had, and I bring that up a lot, but I really mean it and I'm really worried it'll ruin any sort of relationship we have and…" Jake gulps in a breath, his head hung low, his hands jammed further into his pockets.

A hand rests on his shaking shoulder, causing his panic to pause as he looks up at Holt. "It does not matter what is happening to you, if something is upsetting you this much then it is important. Our relationship will not be ruined by what it is you need to tell me." Jake looks down again and swallows.

"I'm transgender. I was born a girl." Holt nods. "So the surgery you are having is a transitioning procedure?" Jake nods. There's a pause in the air as both process the conversation.

"Kevin is trans also." Jake's head shoots up to look straight at Holt, his red rimmed eyes wide in shock.

"He is??" Holt nods. "He transitioned several years ago, if you need to talk with someone about it while going through it, he may be willing to discuss it with you." Jake smiles as he nods.

"So, how much time off do you think you will need to recover?" Jake stands up straighter, wiping at his eyes. "I'm not entirely sure yet, but from what I've heard I'll need about five weeks before I can really do anything." Holt nods and smiles lightly.

"I am glad you told me this, Jake. I know that it can be difficult. I am proud of you, Jake." Jake smiles and nods, sniffling slightly.

"Thank you Da- Captain." Holt removes his hand from Jake's shoulder.

"Does anyone else in the precinct know?"

"That I'm trans? Well Gina does and Rosa. I've been meaning to tell Charles, but I'm worried it might change things." Holt stares towards the said man through the unblinded window.

"I think that nobody here will treat you different for who you are." Jake smiles and nods. Silence hangs in the air for a few minutes, both of them just staring at the traffic and people in the streets below.

"You should go talk to Santiago now, I can see her staring through the window." Jake laughs and nods.

"She was worried that I was gonna freak out or something." Both of them head inside, Holt walking back into his office and Jake making a beeline towards Amy.

"It looked like it went well, did it go well, are you okay?" Amy immediatelyy rambles as Jake attempts to chill her out.

"It went really good. It was nice." Jake answers as Amy smiles and hugs him.