Archive of Our Own ^beta

Sam wished he could say he didn’t believe this was happening, but the truth was, it happened all too often. Once again, a decision about Sam apparently required no input from Sam. Sure, as decisions went, this one was rather inconsequential, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that Sam would like to make decisions about himself FOR himself.

Sam would have gotten around to talking to Castiel eventually. He did not need his brother swooping in with wedding invitations telling them when and where they were going to get married. He’d have liked to make that call on his own. Heck, he and Castiel hadn’t even gotten properly engaged yet. They talked about what they’d like to do when they were married, yes, but neither of them had ever taken that plunge to make it official.

A knock on the door had Sam rolling his eyes. Probably Dean, trying once again to convince Sam that this wasn’t that big a deal. Sure enough, it was Dean’s voice. “Sam, come on, man. You and Cas were driving everyone crazy with this thing.”

“That doesn’t give you the right to decide for us what we’re going to do, Dean!” Sam shouted through the door. “Why can’t you get that? Why can’t you realize that I need to be the one to make decisions about my life?” If Dean said one word about Sam’s decision-making skills being terrible, that was just going to make this worse.

Surprisingly, Dean seemed to realize that. “You’re right. I got impatient and frustrated and took matters into my own hands. I promised you I’d let you grow up, and I haven’t done that. I’m sorry.”

For half a second, Sam was mollified. Then a memory surfaced, of Dean telling Lucifer that the best thing about apologies was that you don’t even have to mean them, that he apologized to Sam all the time when he wasn’t really sorry. “Don’t apologize if you don’t mean it, Dean. If you’re not actually sorry you hurt me, or if you’re only sorry because I’m angry, then don’t apologize. I am done accepting apologies only to find things thrown back in my face next time you’re pissed off. If you mean it, if you get that what you did was wrong, then that’s great, but if you’re just gonna do it again next time you think I”m not living my life the way I should, then what good is that apology?”

“Oh come on, I said I’m sorry, what more do you want?”

Sam squeezed his eyes closed. He’d thought he’d made that clear. “I want you to acknowledge that what you did was wrong.”

“Well, yeah, obviously it was, or you wouldn’t be hiding in your room because you’re pissed at me.”

“I want to know that you understand why it was wrong! I want to not have to repeat this every single time you think you know what’s best for me! I want to know that you’re going to actually change your behavior and let me grow the fuck up, Dean!” He threw the door open and got in Dean’s face. “I want you to not just say you’re sorry, but to actually BE sorry.”

Dean took a step back, a stunned look on his face. “You want to make decisions for yourself. Okay. I get that. I should just back off and let you live your life. Sorry for car...”

“No, Dean, don’t do that. Don’t try to tell me that you make decisions about me because you care about me, and I should be grateful for that. I want you to care about me. I want you to be my big brother, to look out for me, to be here when I need a brother or a friend or just about anything else. But I need you to realize that I need to make decisions for myself. I need to feel like I’m in charge of my own life. Do you know how often I’ve had that taken away from me?”

“Too often,” Dean whispered. “Sammy, I... you’re right. I need to get my shit together. I’m sorry. I know that don’t mean much right now, but I am. For real.”

Sam hesitated - did Dean actually get it, or was he faking this to get out of trouble? In the end, it didn’t matter. If he actually got it, then he needed Sam to be supportive and help him build on it. If he didn’t, then Sam wasn’t gonna get through to him today. “Okay. So, since I know you won’t make this decision for me so soon after getting in trouble for making decisions for me, will you be my best man at the wedding? Can’t imagine anyone but my brother standing there.”