Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

He’s always hated her, as far back as she can remember. 

It started with the rules he would set. They were only for her, and they always took something away that she wanted. It wasn’t like in school, where rules were meant to guide and teach. It was like a game of collective losses. Whenever she let Ben Solo see that she wanted something, he would swoop in and set a rule that kept it from her.

It started a few months after she’d first been given to the Solo family, right after she turned 14 years old. Leia and Han thought it would be a good idea to organize a small party in the backyard, with just the immediate family and whomever their son Ben wanted to invite. 

Ben was a cruel, loud boy who pummeled anything he thought he could break. Tabletops, doors, bathroom sinks, shower walls, whatever his overgrown fists could find. Rey learned to keep her jumpiness from him after the first time she’d caught his eye in the bathroom mirror, visible through the open door, just after he’d had one of his fits of rage. He seemed alarmed by her terror-struck eyes--already too big for her still developing face and made even more so into wide little saucers that judged him, oh, how they judged him --and lunged towards her, forcing her into the corner of her new bedroom’s door. She could feel the hinges brushing up against the back of her ponytail. He breathed down her neck, saying nothing. 

And so, Rey now understood their first rule. Never truly look at him . See him, sure, but don’t dare look at what’s actually there. 

The next rule she learned while laying poolside in a swimsuit, a few boring hours into the 14th birthday party only Leia and Han had come to. 

Ben, followed by a trail of equally tall and loud friends, burst through the screen door, announcing their arrival with whistles and savage laughter. 

Leia didn’t stand when they arrived, but she did lean over and whisper something to Han. He stood slowly, trying for a smile as he gestured towards Rey. 

“Hey, Boys. We were just about to cut the cake.” 

Rey was a knobby-kneed, skinny welp of a girl, with wild honeyed hair and those button-like eyes. She could feel her skin crawling as the boys noticed her one by one, a group of 16 year olds who were on Ben’s soccer team from school. Some boys she recognized from her awkward laps around the cafeteria trying to find a place to  hide and scarf down her food before anyone started making fun of her.

It was Poe Dameron, a dark haired boy who, like Ben, was tall for his age, that acknowledged her first. “I’ve seen you at school a few times.” He smiled wolfishly, and a red-haired boy behind him shoved his back lightly, as though they might be two mischievous vultures having too much fun with their prey. “What’s your name?”

“Rey.” She squeaked.

Ben bristled by her, his scent overpowering. All of the boys, in fact, intoxicated her with their smell. She had been in foster care for the last few years and it had been so long since she’d been around anybody her age who wasn’t beat down by a system that didn’t value them. Their rambunctiousness was inebriating. Their freshly washed shirts, their fluffy hair. 

“You ever kiss a boy, Rey?” Poe leaned into her, overpowering her air with his height. 

Han and Leia were busy whispering over the cake. They always seemed to have intimate conversations in hushed tones.

“Yeah, you look like the type of girl who knows how.” The redheaded boy blurted out before bursting into laughter.  

She had no response for them. Leia came by and handed her a slice of cake, which she accepted with grateful, doe-ish eyes. “Eat up,” she smiled and gingerly touched Rey’s shoulder. 

Poe crowded her space again. “Ben said your old family starved you.” He was mocking her, she realized. But there was something sad in his face. “Go on,” he shoved both hands into his pockets and licked his lips. 

She felt her heartbeat quicken. Ben’s eyes were boring into her from behind Poe. He was completely still. For a moment, Rey remembered their first rule, and her eyes flicked away from him. Don’t look. 

The next few moments were a blur. She brought the vanilla cake to her lips, chapped but naturally puffy--something she imagined inheriting from her faceless mother--and slowly took a bite. Poe’s boyish face was inhaling her, she could tell, and the attention felt thrilling. This was wrong, this was so wrong, with Han and Leia a few feet away, but it was also attention. And after living down the hall from Ben Solo for two months--his toothbrush and shampoo taking up all the sink space, his clothes always taking over the hamper, his eyes never meeting hers, save for the one time he ripped her apart for daring to watch him--Rey was desperate for attention. 

Ben’s hand came down on the plate so fast that she felt her embarrassment before the cake even hit the ground. 

The boys erupted into cruel laughter, finally getting Han’s attention. 

“You fucking slut,” Ben breathed into her neck. “Don’t go near my friends.” 

Like the trained foster child she was, Rey blinked, betraying nothing of Ben’s barbarous words when Han came over. 

“Is everything ok?” He looked skeptically between his son and his new daughter. 

Ben burned her with his gaze--eye contact that he seemed to reserve for moments when she broke the rules. His rules. 

And so, Rey learned the second rule between them. Don’t touch what belongs to him .

Though, years later, she learned that this wasn’t quite right. Don’t let anyone else touch what belongs to him was more fitting. 

Her. 

She was his punching bag. 

And no one else, not one single soul in this miserable galaxy, could even entertain the thought of her existence, and it was her job to maintain that invisibility. 

The summer of Rey’s 16th birthday, Ben was packing to go to college. 

He’d chosen somewhere clear across the country, and she wasn’t exactly heartbroken about it. Over the years they’d developed a routine, and Rey was glad to put an end to it. He was her warden, and she was his good little rule follower who, despite behaving always, still found punishment lurking around every corner of the house. 

Last year she’d broken another one of his rules. They hadn’t spoken much since then. 

It had been Poe, again, with whom she violated Ben’s rules.  By that time, Ben and Poe were no longer friends. The two of them had dated the same girl--someone in their year named Paige Tico--and it didn’t end well. Rey never got the full story, even though she lived right down the hall from Ben. She only ever got snippets of gossip from the students at school who weren’t scared to be seen with her--a small handful of misfits who, like her, had bullies in high places. Ben Solo was the ringleader of all the bullies, but unlike his cronies, he was civilized. He didn’t need to cheat off anyone’s exams. He didn’t need to make Finn, one of Rey’s friend’s and a gifted student, write all of his essays. 

Ben could do all of his own schoolwork, score impressively at each game, and keep a rotating list of girls in the junior and senior class who wanted him, all without ever once being a decent foster brother to Rey. 

And although she didn’t like him one bit, although she felt dizzy elation every time she came home and he was not there, Rey still longed for his attention. 

So when Poe asked her to attend his junior prom--the same one Ben was going to--she jumped at the opportunity to be a thorn in Ben’s side. 

She didn’t mention once to Ben that she was going. Leia had long since figured out the dynamic between her two children, and she didn’t stir the pot either. They shopped for Rey’s prom dress one Saturday afternoon while Han was at one of Ben’s games. Rey suspected that Ben would know something was up, since Han never went to his games, but Leia didn’t seem concerned. 

Her smile was a bit wistful when Rey found the perfect dress. A dark red bodycon number with straps so thin they were like wisps of soft hair, tickling her shoulders coyly. 

When they got home, the dress was folded up in Rey’s bag, safe from Ben’s prying eyes. He always measured her when she walked in the door, though he wouldn’t give her the respect of looking directly at her face. 

Their first and most important rule, after all. 

She had gotten as far as the night of prom, makeup all over her cheeks and eyes, dress snug around her slender, barely developed body, giving it an air of womanhood she didn’t think would ever come of her. 

As she appraised herself in the mirror, Rey felt embarrassingly aroused by the image before her. Her hands ran over her full bottom lip, lined perfectly with a blood red shade. She imagined those lips around the tip of a cock--maybe Poe’s? It didn’t matter, just someone who longed for her and delighted in the sensation. 

To be more specific than that would be breaking one of her rules. The only one, in fact. Do not ever let Ben Solo into your heart. 

She couldn’t stop him from barging in as soon as he caught her through her slightly cracked bedroom door. He nearly tore it off its hinges, shoving the door open with such force. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” 

Rey froze. An old habit from living with a human minefield for a brother. She stuttered, searching for words she knew wouldn’t help. In his eyes she saw contempt. Rey knew what this meant; she had broken one of his rules. There was no recourse to his rage; the only way out, as she’d learned many times, was through. 

“I’m just getting ready to meet Poe. He’s taking me to the prom.” Rey laid it all out for him to attack. No use in doing anything else. 

“He’s what? Are you fucking insane?” Are you….,” He was in her face, much taller now at 17 than he was two years ago, when they first met. His eyes were wild like searchlights in the forest, uncovering a dead body. She was forced to break their cardinal rule. Her eyes met his. There was the usual anger at her any time she interacted with another human being, especially a man, but something new as well. Fear? 

He didn’t give her time to indulge the thought. “You’re not going. You are not going anywhere near that fucking piece of shit.” 

She flinched. Leia’s smile--the wistful one from the dress shop--played in the back of her mind. She tried so hard to give Rey a break from Ben. Everyone knew it. 

Something small sparked up inside her at the thought of Leia. The woman who worked so hard to keep a lid on this whole messed up family. She wanted Rey to go to prom so badly. 

She shuddered beneath him, shoulders prickling with goosebumps. “I don’t understand what...the big deal is.” Part of her imagined, perhaps masochistically, that the big deal was that he wanted to take her to prom. But that was just her mind senselessly banging against the cage she put around it, the one rule she had for herself. The one rule that he would never know about. 

“Why can’t I go?” She whimpered. It was an unfair question, in some ways, because hadn’t she agreed to their rules by now? Rey never dated. Never gave attention to anyone who flirted with her at school. Never wore anything tight or revealing. Never even joined a sports team or a school club. All so she wouldn’t stand out. 

All so she wouldn’t let anyone else have what’s his. Even though he didn’t even want her, it seemed.

He grabbed her wrists roughly, dragging her with him as he kicked the door shut behind them. “Take off that fucking dress. I don’t ever want to see it again.” 

It was the roughest he’d ever been with her. They were beginning to make noise. It would be minutes before Leia alerted Han, and only a few minutes more after that for him to be convinced to come upstairs and check on them. 

Ben, too, realized this, and his free hand smothered her lips, smudging the red lipstick everywhere. He shoved her down onto the bed, landing on her and using his entire body weight to keep her down. She started squealing, kicking and writhing beneath him. For the briefest moment, she saw his eyes flash. His grip loosened only the smallest bit. But his eyes, those dark swirling eyes, stayed fixed on her like a tempest. Relentless, consuming, irreparable. 

He opened his mouth, probably preparing to unleash a slew of vicious words. But before he could tear into her, Rey bit his hand. 

“Fucking hell!” Ben ripped his palm from her mouth, letting go of her wrist at the same time. 

“Don’t--don’t do that again. Ben.” She hardly spoke his name. It was a transaction with limited quantity. At the dinner table, in front of Han and Leia, sometimes at school if a teacher was nearby, but never, ever, in the home they shared. It was a weapon she scrambled for. Something to hurt him back. Damn the rules. 

Her chin was defiantly, shakingly, bitterly raised up at him. Fully expecting him to escalate their tug of war--this game of rules and violations--to its threshold. 

Han knocked on the door, but he was already opening it.

“Hey, you two,” he tried to sound nonchalant, “everything okay up here?”

“Dad,” Ben started, quieting his rage only a little bit, “you’re not going to let her leave the house like that, right? She’s trying to go to the prom.” He gestured at Rey, but he didn’t look at her. 

Han chuckled awkwardly, patting a hand on his son’s shoulder in the hopes of diffusing him more. “Come on now, Ben, you’ve had girlfriends who wore less than that. I hardly think it’s fair to make Rey stay home. Didn’t Poe ask you?” He turned to Rey. “That’ll be nice. You two have known each other since you were kids.” And then, he paused, wincing as he realized the mistake he’d made. “Well, since you joined our family. But you,” he squeezed Ben’s shoulder, “have known Poe since kindergarten. Surely you can all go together and… have a good time?” 

Rey crossed her arms, feeling suddenly like her whole body was exposed. Not just her skin but every organ, every cell she was made up of. This is why she didn’t break their rules. 

It hurt. Too much. 

“I won’t go.” She mumbled. Her eyes searched for somewhere to land besides the faces of the two men in her life--for better or for worse. 

Han hesitated, likely battling between Leia’s pleas and the ease of ending the problem right there with Rey giving in to Ben once again. “Alright,” he sighed, “there’s always next year.” 

And that was the last time Ben Solo spoke to Rey until the summer of his 18th birthday.

Chapter Text

It was nearly 10pm. 

A late July breeze shook the trees outside Rey’s window. Her face was illuminated by the laptop screen open in front of her. Music was playing softly from the speakers. A candle was burning. She was in a long t-shirt and nothing else. 

This was her sanctuary. 

The house was empty. It was Ben’s 18th Birthday dinner and Han and Leia left to visit a friend shortly after. Rey had skipped the dinner entirely, offering a slew of excuses about period cramps and a stomach ache and some summer reading assignment. Leia was relieved to separate her children for the evening. 

A ping! came from Rey’s computer. 

Just saw satan’s spawn at the gas station

Rey giggled. Poe was never shy about speaking his mind. It was one of the reasons they became friends after everything that happened before prom last year. 

Good. I hope he gets run over by a car . 

It wasn’t a lie. She was anxious to be free of Ben. 

I have a car. Just saying . 

She pictured his dark green sedan, with crank up windows and a bench seat. She had helped him scrub the blood out of the fabric last year, after Ben punched him in the face when he’d come by the house to pick her up...

Poe rang the doorbell just as Han was ushering Ben out of the room. Rey stood, tugging down the sides of her dress. “I should go tell him I’m… not going.” She said bitterly. 

Han patted her shoulder, a regretful look on his face. He nodded and then left the room to go downstairs and let Poe in. 

Ben watched her intently, unmoving from the doorway. Once again, she felt bare. His gaze disassembled her. Only one more month of this and she would be free from her warden. He would go to college and she would finally be a nobody. All the attention of Ben’s violence would be gone.

“Where do you think you’re going?” He drew the words out like venom from a snake bite.

“I said I’m going downstairs to tell Poe--” 

“Not in that dress, you’re not.” 

Rey blinked, mentally replaying their argument from a few minutes earlier. “What is your fucking problem?” 

“Take it off.” 

“Or you can just get over it.” She sulked. “I’m already not going. What more do you want from me?” 

“Take off the dress.” 

Rey huffed. “Right now? In front of you?” 

“Rey.” Poe stepped into the room, smiling. “Your dad let me up. You look beautiful.” 

“Hi Poe.” Nervously, she peered around Ben. A task he made harder by stepping in front of her, turning to glare at Poe. 

“You know she’s a sophomore, right?” 

Poe laughed, putting his hands in his pockets. “You know that one of your last girlfriends is a sophomore too, right?” 

Ben’s fist twitched. “She’s not going.” 

“Are you stopping her or something?” 

Ben turned to look at Rey. His little rule follower. She shamefully knew that no matter how much she despised him, she felt the thrill of behaving for him in front of someone else--the same thrill she’d felt running her fingers along her bottom lip. The red lipstick, imagining Poe’s cock--or was it Ben’s?--running along it. Such divine, rapturous attention she would get from him. 

Knowing what he wanted from her, and mourning what she secretly wanted back, Rey obeyed.  

“I’m sorry, Poe.”

Poe gawked at her. The same Poe who had watched from the sidelines of every memory where Ben pushed people around. The same Poe who always had a hint of sadness in his eyes when he laughed along with the other boys. He looked betrayed. “Rey, you don’t have to listen to him. I’ll be downstairs. Just come down and we can go to prom together.”

As soon as Poe exited the room, Ben turned towards her. His expression was measured, but still brewing. In fact, Rey was certain he was twice as angry now as he had been when he’d been smothering her into the bed a few minutes ago. 

“You’re leaving in a month.” She said matter-of-factly. As though it excused her from something, maybe the burden of his attention. 

He scowled. “What does that have to do with fucking anything right now?” 

“I won’t be your problem anymore.” 

“That doesn’t mean you can be someone else’s problem.” 

“I’ve kept to myself.” She said quietly. They’d never acknowledged it like this before. 

“Rey?” Poe called from downstairs. He hadn’t left yet. 

“I told you, she’s not going.” Ben shouted.

“Rey can speak for herself.” Poe’s voice rose to meet the other boy’s. 

Han stepped into the foyer. His usual nervous expression was replaced by a curiously somber one. 

“Fuck you, Dameron.” The stairs creaked beneath his heavy steps as Ben ascended. 

“Boys,” Han put his hands up. “This is a big night. For both of you. Let’s all just relax.” He turned to his son. “In fact, you should be getting ready huh, kid? Why don’t you go upstairs and start getting ready?” 

“Dad,” Rey piped from the top of the stairs, “can Poe and I go somewhere else?” 

She knew the suggestion was dangerous. Moreover, she wasn’t even sure it was what she wanted to do at that moment, but Han’s words reminded her that Ben was going to the prom with some girl who was probably wearing an even tighter dress than the one he was punishing her for wearing. She wanted Ben to simmer with thoughts of Poe’s hands roaming all over her in the backseat of his car.  

“Sure, I don’t see why not. That’s a great idea.” Han smiled awkwardly at her.

Poe smirked. “Let’s go.”

Han looked briefly pained. “Maybe you should change first…” 

Ben stepped in front of his father. “Tell her why you asked her to the prom, Dameron.” He spat. “Or I will.” 

“Shut up, Solo.” 

“Boys.” Han put his hands up.

“He asked me to prom because he likes me, you asshole.” Rey sauntered past Ben and put her hand on Poe’s arm. 

Poe looked her up and down. “You look so beautiful in that dress.” 

“The next words out of your mouth better be the truth.” Ben grabbed the front of Poe’s tux. The other boy stumbled against his grip. 

Having grown accustomed to his pitilessness, Rey knew intimately what it looked like. He was not one to defend her honor. Rather, he frequently stripped it from her. So what was this?

After a minute, Poe relented, bitterness written all over his face. “Okay, okay.” He pushed Ben’s hands off him, smoothing out the lapel of his jacket. His cool demeanor was marred only by a clenched jaw. “I want to have sex with your sister. Is that what you want me to say?” 

Ben violently shoved him into the wall, causing a few framed pictures to rattle. Han was already between the two boys, but Ben had that look in his eyes that Rey knew so well. It was the same look he gave her whenever she walked in on him alone, like he’d been exposed and he would stop at nothing to avenge that violation. 

“Ben!” Rey found herself in the midst of the tussle, putting her body in front of Poe even though she wasn’t thinking about him getting hurt, She wanted to see how far Ben would go. She wanted him to accidentally touch her—grab her chest while he meant to go for Poe, be rough with her. 

But she couldn’t get anyone’s attention. Han was locked on the two boys, Ben on Poe’s reddening face, and Poe on Ben’s, like two bulls. 

And then Ben landed a punch. Blood exploded from the contact, gushing down Poe’s face. Han’s reserve finally broke and he grabbed his son, roughly pulling him out of the fray. Rey couldn’t focus on anything. There was cursing, someone shoved her, and Poe ran out of the house. Without thinking she followed, catching up to Poe just as he was trying to wriggle out of his suit jacket. She helped him, holding the jacket up to his nose as it bled profusely. 

Rey blinked the memory away, hearing another ping! . 

Speaking of. Can I come by?

She cracked her fingers and stretched her back, considering his question. It was nice to be alone, to unwind the tight cord holding her body together, to unfurl everywhere like a ribbon. No one there to step on her.

Not tonight. Sorry

She closed the laptop and laid across her bed, closing her eyes and imagining what life would be like next year without Ben to terrorize her at school, at home, everywhere he permeated.

By the time everyone got home, Rey had the lights off and her door closed. A signal that she was already asleep, even though her eyes were wide open and fixed on the ceiling, imagining tiny floating streaks that moved along to the music in her ears. Part of her stuck recounting the number of footsteps she’d heard come inside. Ben rarely missed an opportunity to terrorize her. 

Around 2am, the front door slammed. Followed by disgruntled noises coming up the stairs. Rey’s body tensed. 

All she had to do was wait until he closed the door to his bedroom. He wouldn’t come out after that. 

Taking a headphone out, she heard the creaky bathroom mirror. More shuffling, and then a sound from Han and Leia’s bedroom. Han was snoring. 

Closing her eyes, Rey tried to breathe slowly, like she would be if she, too, were sleeping. Somehow Ben’s surveillance on her extended past anything material--hallways, walls, doors, these things were nothing when she felt him invading. 

Her door flew open so loudly the hinges rattled. 

“Fuck! What the fuck Ben!”

The words came out too quickly for her to consider pretending to be asleep, and how that might have protected her. A few seconds of silence passed, Ben swaying a bit in the open doorway, his shoulders eclipsing the hall behind him. Han was still snoring. 

“You’re so fucking annoying.” He slurred. 

Rey sat up in her bed, overwhelmed by the smell of alcohol wafting over from him. “Get out of my room.” 

He stared at her. 

Goosebumps crept up her legs. Even in the dark, she felt exposed. 

“I tell you what to do. Not the other way around.” Wading deeper into her room, he reached a hand out in the dark and found her ankles, grabbing them. Rey jumped back, pulling away from his grip and kicking him. He grabbed at her again, this time rougher, and pushed her down into the bed. 

His face got so close to hers she almost gagged from the smell. She squirmed, but he pressed down harder. “Don’t be a fucking slut next year.” 

A rule. 

From down the hall a light turned on. 

“Kids?” Leia called out. “Everything ok?”

Rey went to yell but Ben covered her mouth. “Everything’s fine. Rey was just giving me my birthday present.”

Leia walked down the hall. “Are you drunk? You’re slurring your words.” Leia poked her head in the room. Ben let go of Rey but he wasn’t fast enough. “What are you doing?” Leia’s voice rose. “Ben.” 

Rey seized the opportunity of Ben’s distracted focus to kick him in the groin and then launched herself at him. Still reeling from his newest rule, she wanted to scream so many things at him but before she could shove him again there were footsteps and then hands on her and Ben was being ushered out of her room. 

“I hate you!” She shouted after his silhouette. Han, groggy from sleep, patted her arms down and mumbled something, Rey didn’t care what it was. 

All of the contemplating evaporated. She would be glad to never see Ben again.

Chapter Text

Rey slammed her locker shut, startled to see Finn’s anxious smile. He held up a bag full of brownies. 

“My mom made these for you.” 

She didn’t take the bag from him. “Okay.” Rey knew enough to understand that the brownies were not just brownies. There was judgement behind them. 

“They want to invite you over for dinner before Homecoming.”  

“Is this because of last weekend?” Rey started walking down the hall. She thought back to the incident, a thread of shame working through her... 

A rock hit her window. Rey climbed off her bed and looked down onto the dimly lit lawn. Her room overlooked the backyard and, by extension, the backyard of Finn’s house. Some nights she saw him in his room, practicing violin. 

“Hey.” Poe was standing in the middle of the yard, his leather jacket making it hard to spot him in the moonlight. 

“What are you doing here?” Rey leaned out of the window. Her chest fluttered, like a moth cleaving towards a flame. Attention. But she tempered her excitement. 

“Come out. There’s a party.” 

Rey tried to sound bored. “I don’t know.” She’d never been to a party before. Poe had been badgering her to go to one ever since Ben left a few months ago. 

“Are you afraid of Han and Leia?” 

She couldn’t see his face clearly but she heard the smirk in his tone. 

Things had been rocky with Han and Leia lately. They asked her so many questions now--way more than they ever asked her when Ben was around--and the adjustment was hard. Rey relished in being left alone. Especially with all this newfound freedom she had without Ben’s obscuring presence. 

“No. I just don’t know if I want to go.” She leaned further out of the window. 

“Suit yourself.” 

Rey started to close the window, but Poe raised his voice. “You know you can start being an actual teenager.” 

His words were a challenge. She shut her window entirely and grabbed her cell phone off the charger--an old flip phone that was a hand-me-down. Returning to the window, Rey climbed out of it and wobbled on the roof, eyeing the distance between her feet and the ground. That small flutter from earlier amplified. What if she jumped? Would anyone come outside? 

“I’ll catch you.” Poe’s voice came from somewhere, she couldn’t tell. She jumped. 

Poe barely made it to her on time, the two of them falling onto the wet grass. Rey’s knee banged into a mound of dirt on landing. It was throbbing. 

“Are you okay?” Poe sounded winded. 

She started laughing. A light flicked on across the way, from Finn’s house. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He got to his feet, offering her a hand, which she could see now that her eyes had adjusted to the darkness. 

Ignoring his hand, Rey stood up and brushed the grass pieces off her legs. 

“Is that what you’re wearing?” Poe took something out of his back pocket. 

Rey looked down at her clothes. A long-sleeved shirt and loose shorts. She felt a breeze on her knees. “Should I be wearing something else?” Her closet was full of mostly the same. Except for the dress Leia bought her last year from the prom she never went to.

He lifted something to his lips and took a long sip. The dim neighborhood lights played across his neck. Poe was attractive. The girls at school asked Rey about him. She felt a thrill in his presence, although it had dulled now that Ben was not here to witness. 

Wiping his mouth, he shrugged. “I just thought you might want to wear something else, but it’s whatever. Are you gonna drink?” He waved the bottle at her. 

Another light flicked on across the way. Rey’s heart pounded. She had never even tasted alcohol. Han would get drunk sometimes which meant he sat in the living room wordlessly until he fell asleep, and Ben… 

“Hello? Well?” He brought the bottle to her lips. Rey drank. The liquid burned going down, churning her stomach instantly. She pushed his hand away, coughing. Even her nose burned. 

“Oh shit. Have you never drank before? I just assumed, because of Ben…” 

“Don’t say his name.” Rey steadied the coughs by swallowing repeatedly. She grabbed the bottle and took another sip. This one burned even more. “Let’s go.” 

The corner window to Han and Leia’s room opened. Han leaned out and called to them, “Rey! Come inside. Now .” His tone was not the usual worn down timbre when he disciplined her. 

“Oh my god,” Rey felt the alcohol in her toes. Without saying bye to Poe, she hurried around the side of the house and lingered at the front door until Han came downstairs to open it. Leia was beside him. 

“Finn’s parents called us.” Leia sighed. “They said they saw you jump out of the window. And apparently you were drinking with a boy.” 

Rey couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Since when did Finn’s parents care what she did? 

“Whatever.” She breezed past them and started going upstairs to her bedroom. 

“Your mother is talking to you.” Han was stern.

Rey wheeled around to face them and grabbed onto the railing for support. She locked eyes with Leia, who was always so understanding of Ben’s outbursts. “May I go to bed?” She waited for her mother’s response. 

Leia nodded. 

“It’s not not because of last weekend.” Finn pulled an apple out of his pocket, keeping up with Rey as they pushed through the sea of students walking to the busses. “Rose is going to come, too. We could all head to the Homecoming game together after.” 

It was a new feeling to have invitations. While Rey had known Rose and Finn for years, it was only in the past few weeks they started asking her. She considered his offer, a bit of shame lingering at the thought of looking Finn’s parents in the eyes. 

“Okay. Should I bring anything?” She wasn’t sure how these things usually went. 

Finn’s expression subsided a bit, his shoulders relaxing. “Just bring yourself. It’ll be totally chill. My parents are chill.” 

-------------------------------------------------------

Rey was draped across her bed in only a t-shirt and underwear, music coming through her laptop speakers. A ritual she coveted whenever the house was empty. Everyone was out running errands, Han with a few friends from work and Leia with one of her childhood friends, Amylin Holdo. Rey was also meant to be out shopping for a Homecoming dress, but she skipped the activity in lieu of some alone time. 

Despite the loud music, she could hear the invisible sounds from the room down the hall. Ben fussing around with his furniture, rifling through his closet, carelessly sorting through drawers. Rey hadn’t so much as looked at his door since he left. With no one around, her mind wandered to the brassy doorknob. The scratches in the paint left from the times he kicked it. She’d never been inside his room…

Her phone alarm went off. 

Reluctantly, Rey slid out of bed and put on a plain outfit as she readied herself to go over to Finn’s. She thought of putting on some makeup. Or maybe taking out that dress in the back of her closet. But the more she thought about the dress, a dull headache took over, so she set off for Finn’s house without another thought. 

When she arrived, Rose and Finn enthusiastically greeted her. 

“You are gonna love my mom.” Finn beamed. “She’s a psychologist.” 

Rey smiled awkwardly, already feeling antsy. She only came because Leia and Han promised to forgo any punishment for the incident with Poe if she went. 

Rose looked up from her phone. “Oh my god , Julie Fazakis is throwing an after party tonight.” 

Finn blushed. “I don’t know, Rose…” 

Rey stood between them, unsure of what to say. Their friendship seemed so established, like they spoke another language together, and Rey wasn’t even sure how to talk to them. She longed for her bedroom and the music. 

Rose linked her arm around Rey, startling her a bit. “Rey wants to go. Don’t you Rey? I know you’re into that shit.” 

“What?” The comment made Rey uneasy. 

“Well, everyone knows about you and Poe. Poe fucking Dameron. Can you imagine?” Rose’s eyes went misty. “Well, of course you can, you’re fucking him.” 

The unease quickly turned to panic, but Rey tried not to betray it, responding coolly, “Who told you that?” 

Finn looked guilty. “I may have suggested it.”

“To everyone?” Rey echoed Rose’s words, doing a poor job of masking her annoyance. 

“Okay maybe not everyone knows, but you should probably start telling people.” Rose unlinked her arm from Rey and started fussing with her own hair, putting it up in a ponytail. “It might help with things.”

“What things?” Rey was starting to feel like a vending machine that only dispensed questions. 

Rose and Finn exchanged looks. Finn’s eyes were wide, shaking his head slightly. To which Rose replied by blurting out, “Just…. you know… how everyone thinks you don’t do anything. Ever.” She smiled apologetically. 

“I didn’t realize everyone had so many thoughts about me.” She felt hot, taking her jacket off. Finn plucked it from her hands and put it away somewhere.

Finn’s mom appeared in the hallway, smiling at the three of them. “Dinner is ready. Rey, hello. You can call me Marta. It’s so nice to finally meet you.” She extended a hand. Rey couldn’t tell if she was meant to take it or not, so she just waved. 

Marta kept up her smile. “Anyway, come sit.”

Rey shuffled in after Rose and Finn. The dinner looked lovely. Han was never home around dinner time and Leia liked to meal prep so dinner usually meant reaching for a Tupperware container. 

As they ate, Rose was chatty. She seemed to be a completely different person in the presence of adults, offering anecdotes about her flute concerts (something she had in common with Finn) and her after-school volunteering. When the conversation finally turned to Rey, Marta asked what she spent her time doing and Rey couldn’t think of anything to say. Most of her free time was spent listening to music or avoiding Ben. 

“Uh, I don’t know.” She tried to mimic Rose’s smile because it seemed to charm everyone. 

It must not have worked, because Marta pressed her. “Really? Nothing? Leia doesn’t have you enrolled in dance classes, or summer camps?”

Rey laughed, looking down at her plate. She felt the impulse to lie. “Oh, yeah, I totally forgot. I go to summer camp. For music.” 

Marta smiled. “Wonderful. More?” She held out a bowl of mashed potatoes. 

“Sure.”

Rey didn’t make eye contact with anyone else the rest of the meal. She kept replaying Rose’s words earlier, and Marta’s expectant face when she asked about Leia. 

After dinner Finn’s dad offered to give them all a ride over to the school. Finn took them upstairs to get ready.

As soon as the door to his room closed, Rose shimmied out of her cardigan. 

“Whoa, ummm, what are you doing?” Rey gawked. 

“Please. I’m not wearing this cottagecore bullshit to Homecoming. It’s fucking Halloweeeeeeen!” 

“Halloween is next week.” Finn pointed out, but he, too, was taking off his cardigan. Rey’s mind was spinning. Where was the manual for these things? Was she really as out of touch as Rose said she was?

“If only we had alcohol.” Rose unbuttoned the side of her skirt and pushed it off along with her stockings, revealing neon green tights. She looked pointedly at Finn. 

“I told you I’m not comfortable using a fake.” Finn sighed. 

Finally, Rey had something to say. “I know where to get alcohol,” she smirked, feeling briefly powerful. 

“Wait really?” Rose stopped undressing and came over to Rey, grabbing her shoulders. “Spill.” 

Rey relished in the sudden attention she had from both of them, and not for lack of something, but for having something they wanted and couldn’t get without her. 

“We have to go to my house.”

“But my dad—“ Finn started to protest. Rose cut him off. “What are we waiting for? Let’s go.”

-------------------------------------------------------

Rose charmed Finn’s dad into letting them walk over to the high school. It was a little less than a mile away, and she argued that the exercise would be invigorating, especially with a night of sitting in the stands ahead of them. Rey watched her with fascination while Finn’s dad ate it up. 

They walked straight across the backyards connecting the two houses. Han and Leia were still out. Rey let them in through the front and beelined for Han’s liquor cabinet. It was supposed to have a lock, but he never bothered with it. She pulled out the first bottle. It was a dark amber liquid with a fancy looking label. 

“Oooooooh!” Rose squealed. “Whiskey. I heard that makes people angry. And horny.” 

A pained look from Finn following her words, he took it from her hands and stared at the bottle as though it might combust from his gaze alone. “I am going to regret this.”

Rose twisted the cap off and took the inaugural sip. “No you won’t. Maybe you’ll do something interesting for once. Right, Rey?” She looked for support, offering the bottle. “Wow, that really burns going down.” 

Rey took the bottle and drank as much as she could without gagging, determined to mask the aftereffects. She remembered coughing. Poe’s face floated in front of her but it morphed into something else. Ben. The last person she wanted invading her thoughts right now. 

“You really uhh… ok. Wow. Sure. Um.” Finn lifted the bottle from her and hesitated to take a sip. 

“What are you wearing tonight?” Rose’s attention was on Rey now, appraising her body. A familiar flutter took hold, registering the attention and wanting more of it. But she didn’t have anything to wear. Panic set in, fearing that Rose would gloss past her if she didn’t have anything interesting. However Rose didn’t wait for a reply. “Let’s go through your closet and find something.” She grabbed Rey’s hand and led them upstairs. 

Rey was in such a daze that she forgot to stop Rose at her door, and the other girl walked right up to Ben’s room and began opening it. 

“Stop!” Rey shouted. “Stop!”

“Ooookay , okay. Wow. What the fuck.” Rose yanked her hand back. “Is that not your room?” 

Rey ignored her and opened her own door, not waiting for Rose to follow. She wondered when Finn was joining them, and if he was going to bring the bottle upstairs.

Rose sauntered past her and helped herself to the closet. “Wow, you really need a wardrobe upgrade. Put that on the list.” 

Once again Rey found herself dispensing questions. “What list?” Was this what friendship was like? She missed the old dynamic between them. The anonymity. 

Emerging with a t-shirt and folding in the hem, Rose replied casually. “The list of things we can do now that your shitty brother is in college.” 

Finn walked in with the bottle, a third of the contents gone. He swayed in the doorway. “This tastes really good.” 

Rey grabbed the bottle from him and generously purged some of it down her throat. She refused to acknowledge Rose’s comment, which was easy given how quickly she seemed to jump to the next thing. 

“This is perfect .” She held out the almost-prom-dress from last year. “We’ll throw on some makeup, maybe smudge your eyeliner and you can be a dead prom queen. Or a sexy vampire.”

The dress conjured memories. Rey felt disjointed. Exposed. Angry. “Tipsy.” Finn commented, seemingly referring to himself. He pointed at the dress. “You would make a really sexy dead prom queen.”

Her anger dissipated. “Thanks.” She took the dress from Rose and, feeling emboldened, started changing into it right there. Just like Rose had done at Finn’s house. 

Finn immediately looked away. Once the dress was on, Rey hovered by her mirror, considering the reflection. 

“Here.” Rose applied some red lipstick, and then swiped her thumb along it to pick up some pigment and pat it onto her cheeks. Rey touched her own bottom lip, puffing it out a bit and imagining all the things she might stain with its bloody hue. Rose skillfully applied eyeliner and then smudged it across Rey’s lids. 

Her reflection looked much older now. Rey noticed the tight cinch around her breasts, which had grown just slightly since the last time she wore this dress. 

“Fucking finally .” Rose grinned. “Now let’s go to Homecoming.”

-------------------------------------------------------

The stadium lights were so bright.

Rey had never been to a football game, despite Ben having played on the team from sophomore to senior year. Han and Leia almost never went, so it was easy to forgo what would have been--in another family, perhaps--the younger sibling’s responsibility. Rey rarely even thought of herself as Ben’s sibling. More like a punching bag. Or a mirror he wanted to break. 

But she wouldn’t dwell on that tonight. The sounds of cheers and laughter were almost as potent as the lights, overwhelming Rey’s senses. Her heartbeat purred with anticipation. 

“Oh my goooood, I see John.” Rose waved towards the stands closest to them, taking off her jacket to reveal a tight crop top. “MANDO!” She called. A tall boy with curly black hair and an attractive smile waved back at her, gesturing for them to join him. 

“Who is that?” Rey leaned over and whispered to Finn. 

“Oh, that’s John Mando. He’s a senior.” He looked skeptical. “I would have guessed you knew him. He really hates your brother.”

Ignoring his comment just like she’d ignored Rose’s earlier, Rey held her hand out. “Bottle.” 

“Are you crazy? There are teachers everywhere .” 

“Are you the one drinking it?” Rey snapped. She felt guilty immediately after, but didn’t know how to express it. Instead she pointed over to a spot under the stands where Rose was already chatting up John. Finn relented, following her there. 

“Is anyone looking?” Her tone was softer as he handed her the bottle. 

“No.” 

She took a sip. “Want any?” 

Finn shook his head. “I am pacing myself. I read that you’re supposed to do that.” 

“Rose thinks you should stop reading so much and start doing.” Rey regurgitated some version of Rose’s remarks. Rose seemed to have a lot of opinions and Rey wanted to impress her and also shut her up. 

He laughed. “Yeah.” And then he took a drink. “Don’t judge her too much. She’s sad, too. In some way. I think.” 

“I’m not sad.” Rey tried to take the bottle from him but he wouldn’t let her. 

“You’re also kind of drunk. So, I’m not going to trust anything you say.” He grinned. 

“HEY. LOSERS!” Rose was hanging off the side of the bleachers, her hair spilling over her face as she almost fell entirely over. Someone pulled her back. 

“That’s our cue.” Finn grabbed Rey’s hand and led them around the corner and up the stands until they found Rose laughing into John Mando’s chest. His hands were on her waist. 

“There you guys are!” Tossing her hands up, she shimmied to the music coming in from the stadium speakers and held her hand out to Rey. “John, this is Rey. Rey Solo.” 

Everything was too loud. Whiskey scent lingered in the air. 

“Hey.” His voice was deep. The way he evaluated her with his eyes made her want to throw up. “Your brother is an asshole.” He laughed. 

“Don’t bring him up. She’ll bite your head off.” Rose tossed her head back gracefully as she kept dancing. 

“How come I’ve never seen you at a game before?” John left his post beside Rose to approach Rey. 

“I don’t know. Where’s the bathroom?”

“Probably inside.” His focus was back on Rose, and for once Rey was grateful to escape someone’s attention. Without notifying anyone, she left the stands and wandered back towards the school. She needed somewhere to be alone. 

Until the game was over she waited under the awning behind the entrance to the pool. At some point Rose and Finn would have to walk this way to leave, and she would catch up to them then. 

Which they did. Rose was being carried by John. When they noticed her, Finn was the first to run over. 

“I thought you went home.” He sounded relieved. “Rose wants to go to that after party at Julie Fazakis’ house.”

“You should come.” John smirked. 

Rey started to take off, but Finn caught up to her. “I’m not the biggest fan of him, either. But Rose likes him.” 

“Is that what you call it?” She replied bitterly. 

“I mean yeah. Haven’t you liked anyone before?” He cocked his head to the side, more sympathy than concern in his voice. The pity was unbearable. 

“Obviously. I’m fucking Poe Dameron, aren’t I?” She raised her voice. 

“Whoa, sorry, I didn’t mean to--” 

“John’s giving us a ride!” Rose called out to them. “He says we can drop Rey off at home if she’s too scared.” 

A challenge. She wanted to crush the bottle of whiskey against his face. Instead she grabbed it out of Finn’s jacket pocket, where she’d seen him stash it earlier, and flashed a smile. “Let’s fucking go to the party, then."

-------------------------------------------------------

By the time they got there, the party was in full swing. Apparently Julie Fazakis was rich, because the house was three times the size of the Solo family’s house. 

Rey was reminded of the years she spent in foster care, making fun of people who lived in houses like this. Now she was invited inside. 

The alcohol made her amenable to the strangeness of it all. She walked in behind Finn, inadvertently using his height to obscure her from people she didn’t know. Maybe she could spend the entire party like this, a fly on the wall, drinking free liquor and watching other people unravel themselves. 

But within seconds of walking in, Rey felt eyes on her. Some boy she vaguely recognized from a class. Another boy she’d seen with Ben a few times in the school hallways. His gaze persisted. After a minute or so he came over, carrying an extra cup. 

“Jungle juice?” He offered it to her. 

It was a pinkish liquid with a few slices of fruit floating in it. “Thanks.” She took it from him and stared into the fruit. 

“You look hot.” 

He was cute, with a barely-there beard and prominent brows. She wanted to feel something, so she tested the waters, seeing if she could make him jealous. “I have a boyfriend.” 

“No you don’t.” He laughed. 

“How do you know that?” She hid her embarrassment behind a sip of the jungle juice. 

“Because he’d be dead. I mean, does Ben even know you’re here right now?”

She squeezed the plastic cup. “I don’t fucking care what he thinks or what he’s doing or any fucking thing about him.” Dumping the rest of the drink out into a plant vase, she crumpled the cup and threw it in after, not caring that it spilled over. The Fazakis family was probably so rich they could buy another ten plant vases. 

Expecting him to walk away, Rey was confused when the boy closed the gap between them and leaned down to her ear, whispering, “I can make you forget all about him.” 

Rey shoved him into the wall, picking up the vase and dumping its contents onto his offended face. 

“What the fuck , you fucking whore !” He stood back up and sprung at her. Finn popped up just in time, putting his body between them. 

“Hey man, back off. She didn’t mean anything by it. Back off.” 

Rey didn’t wait to hear how the rest of the altercation went. She ran into the next room, frantically searching for a door, any door, and when she found one that opened she slammed it shut and locked herself in there, sinking to the ground as her breathing swallowed up all the air in the room. 

She stayed like that for a long time. The floor shook with the sound of music from outside, reminding her of the nights she fell asleep forgetting to take her headphones out. So many nights like that with the sound of Ben’s movements in the background, like an animal pacing outside a cabin, waiting for the human to tire of captivity and come outside. 

Her hand moved to the cell phone in her pocket. Instinctively, she dialed his number. It was a sin enough to have memorized it, let alone to use it. The screen was so bright, like the stadium lights. She deleted the number and typed something else in its place. 

“911. What’s your emergency?” 

“Hi. I’d like to report a house party.”

-------------------------------------------------------

The end of Rey’s one month long grounding was coming up. All things considered, being grounded was relatively okay. No one found out that she was the one who busted the house party and Finn and Rose made a groupchat with her that they used to share all the latest gossip as Rey went straight home every day like she always had. 

There was the matter of Han, who had refused to talk to her since the night the police dropped her off at their door. But that wasn’t much different than the norm, either. It could have been worse. 

At least in the comfort of her room, no one brought up Ben. 

Even if her own thoughts had drifted to him late at night sometimes. Wondering what he would have done if he had seen her at that party, if he heard what that boy said to her… 

Leia’s voice floated down the hall, more chipper than usual. Rey’s ears perked up instinctively, having gotten used to gleaning information via eavesdropping now that no one talked to her. It was the reason she knew Ben was skipping the holidays this year, opting to go to a friend’s house. He always made friends quickly. Or, rather, people gravitated towards him. 

“ That would be lovely. We would love to have her. Both of you. I’m so glad you decided to come home for Thanksgiving after all. ”

Rey sprang out of bed and flung her door open. “Are you fucking serious?” 

“ Yes, no no, yes, of course. She can stay over. Of course. Yes. Soon. Bye. ” Coming out of her room, she presented Rey with a calm smile, which only made things worse. 

“Ben’s coming home for Thanksgiving and he’s bringing a girlfriend.” 

Rey imagined herself ripping the door off its hinges. “You said he wasn’t coming!” She shouted. Leia knew how much Ben terrorized Rey. How could she do this to her?

“Rey. Please. I want us to be a family.” 

“You’re not my family!” Rey screamed, slamming her door shut.

Chapter Text

Even when Rey was following Ben’s rules, she could feel herself outgrowing them. 

Not because she wanted to, but because she had to. He was unreasonable. 

She reminded herself of that fact as Leia fluttered around the house, making note of things for Rey to vacuum and dust. It was the last provision that remained of her grounding. 

The morning of Thanksgiving, someone knocked on her door. 

Groaning, Rey threw one of her pillows at it. She was determined to stay in her bed until someone dragged her out of it. 

To her surprise, Han walked in. Stepping over the pillow, he came over to the side of her bed. “Hey kid.” For someone smiling, he looked miserable. “Your mother left you something downstairs. She went out to pick up the turkey.” 

Rey had never expected much from Han. The older she got, the easier it became to realize that. She knew more about him through the ways he affected Ben than she knew about him through the ways he might love her. 

“Okay.” She waited for him to leave. 

After he retreated, probably down to the garage, Rey pulled herself out of bed. Her hair had gotten longer, her face was starting to reveal more angles, her lips were naturally reddening. The reflection in the mirror felt like a dream. 

She came downstairs and saw a dark green velvet dress draped across the living room couch. It was a bodycon cut, with long sleeves and a low bustline. A surprising choice given what Leia knew about her son. What she refused to acknowledge. 

Rey held the dress up to her body and imagined herself walking into the dining room, some faceless woman hanging on Ben’s arm but his attention entirely on her. She felt a thrill. And then anger. Who did Ben think he was coming home to? A good little Rey who kept tightly to his rules?

He would find something entirely different. 

She locked herself in her room and put on music as loud as she wanted to, rifling through her makeup for the darkest shade of lipstick she had.

-------------------------------------------------------------

The doorbell rang, and Rey could hear voices in the foyer. There were the usual niceties. A high pitched voice came through, unfamiliar. Rey burned with visions of a hand wrapped around Ben’s arm, sickly sweet in its gentleness. In its normalness. 

Did this new girlfriend follow his rules too? Ben dated before, but that was before Rey knew what it was like to be looked at by someone besides Ben. He was touching these girls. Devouring them. In ways he would never do to her. 

She let her hair down, a final step. The dress was a bit small. 

By the time she came down the stairs, everyone was in the living room. 

Rey stepped into the fray, putting on a sweet face. 

The girlfriend turned around before Ben. “Oh!” She exclaimed. “You must be Rey!” 

She waited for Ben to turn around before replying but when he didn’t budge, she said, “Hi.” He didn’t so much as flinch. Han was eyeing the two of them warily.

“I’m Bazine.” The young woman smiled. “Ben hasn’t told me much about you, so I’m excited to get to know you.”

Whatever Rey had been expecting from this moment, the stabbing pain in her gut was startling. She thought of herself over the last few months, from the party after Homecoming to the late night text messages Poe sent her, and it all suddenly felt very childish. He wasn’t even thinking of her. 

Fine, then. She would stop acting like a child. 

“I don’t talk about him either.” She grabbed a champagne flute from the stack she’d laid out earlier and poured herself a glass all the way to the brim. Han’s eyes were wide in shock. “Cheers, dad.” Rey smiled at him. 

At this, Ben finally turned around. 

When he made eye contact with her it was like being struck by a car. Rey felt like a deer bloodied and whimpering. Disoriented. Small. 

“Put that down.” The first words he spoke to her since leaving. A command. 

She drank as much of it as she could at once. He reached out and grabbed her wrist. 

“Kids,” Han tried to diffuse them with a laugh, “let’s not fight. It’s Thanksgiving, huh.” 

But Rey didn’t care about anything except for keeping Ben’s eyes on her. It had been years of his humiliation and she wanted revenge all at once. She wanted revenge for bringing a girlfriend. For ignoring her. 

“I’ll do whatever the fuck I want.” Rey pulled her wrist out of his grasp. 

Bazine’s discomfort was apparent in the way she snaked her arm around Ben’s bicep, reeling him in. “Why don’t we go outside for a few minutes? I’d love to see the flowers in the front yard.”

Ben’s eyes stayed on Rey, his anger a tidal wave she was ready for. She swirled the glass around, tempting fate. 

“I think that’s a great idea. Han, why don’t you and Rey set the table?” Leia smiled. 

Ben finally tore his gaze from her and she could feel every fiber of her dress alight on her skin. She had been so close to something. An admittance of some sort. But Ben and Bazine walked out the front door holding hands. Rey started setting the table as she was told, taking out her frustration on the cutlery. Han cleared his throat. 

“So, kid, how’s Finn?” 

Rey stopped to look up at him. “Why do you care? You grounded me from seeing him for an entire month.”

“You went to a house party and drank alcohol.” He countered. 

“Like Ben hasn’t done worse?” She was careless with the last arrangement, tossing the napkin down. 

What could he say to that? Rey realized that the rules of the Solo house were just as imposing as Ben. Never be like your brother . A pointless measurement when they constantly shifted the boundaries for him and kept her waiting. Waiting on what? She wanted to go upstairs and skip out on dinner. 

“Be nice to Bazine.” Han shook his head, as though he already doubted her ability to do what he asked. 

Speaking of, she and Ben walked back in mid-conversation. 

“I love how mild the weather is here. Back home it’s snowing in full force.” Bazine laughed. Rey thought of punching her. 

Leia brought in appetizers, which Rey declined by shoving the tray away when it was offered to her. A few more minutes of small talk and then, as Rey was running her fingers along the fork prongs at her table setting, Ben spoke. 

“Bazine and I are going to spend Christmas with her family.” He sounded much more pleasant than he did earlier in the kitchen. Or, any time she could remember. 

“Wow. Sounds like you two are getting serious.” Rey bared her teeth at Bazine with some semblance of sweetness.

Don’t speak to him. Don’t look at him. All of their rules she violated. Even her dress, a reminder.

But Ben glossed past her with his eyes, instead helping Leia hoist the turkey over the plates to the center of the table. 

Rey tried again. “I just hope Ben doesn’t get bored of you.” 

Someone clattered a plate. No one said anything until Han asked for the salt. 

Bazine and Ben seemed wrapped up in each other, Ben serving her a spoonful of some casserole. Rey’s appetite plummeted with the continued quiet. Han and Leia exchanged looks. Rey considered throwing the casserole in Ben’s face and asking him right then and there if she would be allowed to go to her own prom with Poe. The look on his new girlfriend’s face. 

Her plate was empty while everyone else had helped themselves. She threw her napkin onto it. “Excuse me, I’m not feeling well.” Smiling sweetly, she got up and left, not allowing herself to marinate in the briefest look she might have seen on Ben’s face, some mix of anger and pain and something else she couldn’t recognize. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rey stared at her ceiling, noticing a few cracks. The music was turned all the way up, coming into her ears at a steady pulse. She raised her hand and traced the cracks. 

Her phone was buzzing. The groupchat with Finn and Rose had been going off since some time after she ditched dinner downstairs. Rey picked it up and scrolled through the messages, catching up. Rose shared pictures of her dinner table, her dress, the green bow she put in her hair (“Blair Waldorf vibes”, she’d texted), and Finn’s encouraging replies. Apparently his family was also having a wonderful time, all sitting around the table together and talking to each other and being normal. 

When Rey was first brought to foster care, she stupidly loved so many things about the group home that were, in retrospect, pretty horrible. But the ritual of it all--the consistency and the tiny rites of passage with other foster kids--gave her a sense of purpose. Moving in with the Solos had been the most exciting thing to happen to her since those first few weeks, before the shine wore off. Rey could feel the shine wearing off on her now as she thought about what was going on downstairs. 

Hey. Is there a party tonight we can go to?

She waited for a reply, which came instantly. 

R: what’s that???? you’re actually ASKING us to go?? initiating it? wow. A real Serena Van Der Woodsen

F: Who’s that? 

R: ur a pleb

Their banter got on her nerves sometimes. Neither of them bantered with her like that. 

R: sry babe there’s no way I’m missing the pie. tgiving is the BESTTT holiday of the year

F: Yeah, I’m sorry Rey, but I think I’m going to stay in and watch The Grinch with my family

She threw her phone across the bed. A few seconds later she felt it vibrate down by her feet. 

It was a direct message from Finn. 

Is everything ok? Solo Family Thanksgiving not going well?

Not wanting to explain anything to him, Rey typed something quickly about Leia burning the turkey and then clicked on a different message thread.

Hey

She waited for a response with the phone pressed into her chest. It buzzed. 

Let me guess. You want me to run him over with my car

It made her laugh. Poe’s levity was like a dip in cool waters sometimes. He gave her something to float on. 

Not tonight. Let’s party

She started getting ready. The dress would have been too formal in Rey’s eyes but after seeing Julie Fazakis’ house she decided it would do. With a small adjustment. Pulling the dress up a bit, so it scrunched around her waist, bringing the hemline to her mid-thigh, Rey smoothed her hair out and picked her phone back up to check for a reply. 

Nothing. 

Come on. Take me out

Her breath unsteady as she tapped on the phone, waiting. 

So it’s a date, then? 

Ben’s face appeared in her mind. She could almost hear his voice coming from downstairs, still that air of calm from earlier that sounded so foregin to Rey. Another text came in.

I’ll come pick you up

It was settled. She considered her dress again in the mirror and decided that it was too tame. If Ben could become a different person -- someone who laughed at dinner and pretended to be normal in front of a new girlfriend -- then Rey could change too. 

She took the dress off and stared at her bare breasts. Her tiny hips. What would Rose wear? 

Rey found that shirt Rose had been eyeing in her closet and took a pair of scissors to it, chopping off the hem line so high that it sat above the hem of her bra. She did the same to an old skirt from years ago. Something Han bought her as a birthday present. It had been too big on her then but now it fit snugly over her thighs. The skirt line was choppy from her handiwork but it was long enough to cover her ass, if barely. 

The new Rey regarded her reflection. Now the dark lipstick she wore signaled something else. When earlier it was maturity, now it was power. 

She felt powerful. 

The sound of chairs moving around below her broke her reverie, followed by footsteps coming upstairs. Rey held her breath. She heard giggling. And then Ben’s door slamming shut. Part of her wanted to rip his bedroom door down but she focused that energy on grabbing a long jacket to put over her clothes and heading downstairs. 

Leia noticed her right before she got to the front door. 

“Hey, where are you going?” She asked gently. 

Rey hastily drew up a lie. “I’m going over to Finn’s house to eat pie.” 

Han came up behind his wife, placing his hands on her shoulders. “I think you should stay home.” 

“But you said I was grounded until Thanksgiving. It’s Thanksgiving. I’m not grounded anymore.” 

They didn’t even seem to consider it. “Your brother and Bazine are going out and we’d rather not have to worry about both of our kids.” Han laughed. Then they dispersed, back to the kitchen or wherever else they would rather be than here parenting her. 

Without thinking, Rey slammed her fist into the door. Her hand throbbed. No one came to check on the noise. She thought of just leaving anyways. 

Han came back around. “Not tonight, kid.” He moved to block her way out. 

If it had been Ben at 16, he would have broken the nearest furniture. He would have screamed. Han would have just moved out of the way. 

The hypocrisy burned her blood. She went back upstairs, determined to find another way out. Her window would have to do. She started arranging clothes under her bed sheets to look like her, and put on some music like she knew they’d expect her to. The only way little obedient Rey staked her space. 

Ben and Bazine made a show of leaving, Bazine giggling and Ben very obviously kissing her aggressively judging by the sounds of them coming down the hallway like a pinball machine. Han’s voice sounded in good spirits as he sent them off, and then he called up the stairs. “Rey, Leia and I are going for a drive. Help yourself to the leftovers in the fridge.” 

Leftovers. 

That’s what she was to all of them. 

And now they expected her to be a good little discarded doll, sitting pretty and waiting for them to return, to reanimate her. 

Whipping out her phone, she called Poe. 

“Hey, I’m like 10 minutes away.” 

“Come inside.” 

“What? Listen, when I said date I didn’t mean like, meet your dad kinda date. That didn’t go so well last time…”

“No one’s home. Park down the road. Come inside.” Her voice was shaking from the thrill of telling someone else what to do. She hung up before waiting for a reply. 

A few minutes later there was a knock on the front door. 

Rey greeted him in her new outfit, and his facial expression did not disappoint. 

“Are you.... Wow. Fuck. You’re so hot.” 

She took his hand and shut the door with her back. Poe pushed her up against it, moving some hair out of her face. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” 

Rey hadn’t realized there was an unspoken thing she’d agreed to, but as his hand brushed against her skin she wondered what else she’d been expecting? Hadn’t she invited him inside? Told him the house was empty? In the world of parties and hook ups, there were only a few options he could have inferred. 

Poe was tall, like Ben, and he smelled like cologne. It was easy to close her eyes and breathe him in, imagining they were somewhere else. That he was someone else. The shame of the latter caused her to blurt out, “I want whiskey.” 

“All I have is tequila.” He pulled out the flask she’d drank from once before. 

“Sure.” She took a drink, almost spitting it out. “What the fuck that tastes like a doctor’s office.” 

He laughed. “Haven’t heard that one before, but I guess. It’s not for the faint of heart.” 

“I can handle it.” Rey took another sip. The smell made her dizzy, but she pushed through, taking his hand and leading him up the stairs slowly. 

When he lingered behind, she turned around and said, “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing. I’m just watching.” He smirked. Rey remembered how short she’d cut her skirt. Watching … She was reminded of Ben again. No , she told herself firmly, that was old Rey. New Rey doesn’t fucking give a shit about Ben. New Rey makes her own rules.

And yet the only thing she could think of doing was the exact thing she knew would make Ben go ballistic.

Leading Poe into the upstairs hallway, she grabbed the front of his jacket -- the same leather one he wore last time she’d seen him -- and stood on her toes to get near his face. She’d never kissed anyone before. 

“You’re… so sexy…” He breathed against her lips. She couldn’t tell if the feeling in her stomach was disgust or excitement. But the farther they moved down the hall, excitement took over. 

“That’s not your room.” Poe pointed out, pulling back from her. 

“Are you coming?” She touched the doorknob, waiting for it to burn her. But it didn’t. It was just a chunk of metal. 

Poe shrugged. “Hey, I’m just following you.” 

Walking into Ben’s room, she felt the tequila start to take hold. Everything was gray and red. He had no photos on the wall or on his nightstand, no art hung up anywhere. A few holes in the wall that Rey could recall happening. Things she only heard through the vibrations that connected their rooms. 

She led Poe to the bed and pushed him down on it, which made him laugh. “How do I know Ben and Bazine didn’t fuck on these sheets?” 

“How do you fucking know about her?” 

Poe looked sympathetic. “I hear things. Ben and I still have the same friends.” He sat up. “We don’t have to do this. I know you’re messed up.” 

“Messed up?” Rey shoved him down roughly, surprised when he let her. His eyes flashed with something sad, but he was smiling up at her. “I’m not messed up. I’m doing what I want for once.” 

She straddled him, like she’d seen in movies and in magazines that Han left open sometimes when he fell asleep drunk in the living room. Flipping her hair to one side, she lowered her face towards him, feeling her physical instincts take over. Her hips moved slowly against his. 

“Fuck…” His breathing was shallow. She looked at his eyes and couldn’t remember what she was doing. Why she started all this. Panic set in, quickening the rise and fall of her own chest. 

Poe’s hands found the small of her back, and he thrust himself up against her. “Fucking hell, Rey…” 

The walls suddenly felt small and alien. She thought of screaming or punching something. All the power she felt before was morphing into something else. Her vision was unsteady. 

Suddenly Poe sat up. “Are you okay? Are you crying?” He tried to put a hand on her cheek but she looked away. “We don’t have to do this. It’s whatever.” 

Nothing around her made sense. There were some noises in the background. It didn’t matter to her. If she didn’t do this right now, she would forever be the dutiful plant that wilted in the corner of the Solo household, never seeing the light. 

“No. I’m okay.” She leaned forward again to kiss him this time. Her first kiss. 

But before her lips found his, the door behind them flung open. Everything happened so fast that all Rey could register was the look of horror on Poe’s face. Someone’s arm grabbed her and pulled her straight off the bed. She tried to squirm but the hold was too tight. 

Ben was breathing like a rabid animal. When he spoke, his voice was so steady that it could have been a knife. “If you want to fucking live , get out of here right now, Dameron.” 

Poe stumbled out of the bed and disappeared from Rey’s eye line. Ben’s arm was still around her, gripping her against his chest like an anchor. She was screaming and crying but he wouldn’t give any slack. Exhaustion flooded her, and her body went limp against his hold. But still, he squeezed her against him. 

After a few minutes, Rey started registering their surroundings. The two of them had sunk to the floor, and Ben’s breathing was rapid. She lifted a hand to feel his face and his eyes were shut. He didn’t flinch at her touch. She moved down to his forearm which was splayed across her chest. His skin felt cold. Slowly, his breathing came down. 

Rey heard footsteps. Bazine was crouching in front of her, tapping Ben’s shoulder. “Is everything ok?” She sounded frantic. “What’s happening? Ben?” 

When she said his name, he abruptly let go of Rey. She looked up at him and tried to catch his gaze but he wouldn’t look down. Instead he left the room quickly. Rey didn’t move, still reeling from the tightness of his grip. 

“Are you okay?” Bazine tried to help her up. “I saw Poe leave. Did… did he hurt you?” She sounded so sweet and gentle. “Did he do this to you?” She asked, gesturing to the torn edges of her skirt. 

Rey’s body came back to her. She scrambled away from Bazine’s hand. “Leave me the fuck alone.” And then she left, too, slamming her own door shut and running over to her mirror, punching it as hard as she could until she couldn’t tell the difference between the tears she wiped from her face and the blood running from her knuckles.

Chapter Text

Rey stared at the jar in front of her, watching the tiny bubbles of oil suspend themselves in water. She’d spent a few minutes like this, waiting for the contents to settle. 

“I still can’t believe you dropped it.” Rose huffed. 

“I said I’m sorry.” Rey tapped the side of the jar, still seeing nothing. 

Finn finished putting his books away and turned to Rose. “Maybe you should have done a project with a bit more, you know, finesse . Density is so fifth grade.” 

“Density is soooooo fifth grade.” Rose rolled her eyes. “Stop defending Rey just because you have a crush on her.” 

At this, Rey looked up from the jar. Finn’s face was cool, neutral, and he shrugged. “I won’t leap to defend myself because frankly I don’t think it’s insulting to like Rey.” 

They had been on edge like this with each other ever since coming back from winter break. And now that the school year was almost over, Rey wondered if it was more than a passing irritation. Whenever she tried to ask Rose what happened between them or why she didn’t like Finn anymore, Rose dismissed her. 

Neither of them asked how Rey was doing so she took the dismissal at face value. Maybe friendships were like that--lopsided, confused, at times broken. What would Rey know about anything else?

“I’m going to the mall later today.” Rose bumped Rey with her hip. She grabbed the jar and put it away in her bag, despite Finn’s silent protesting about how it was probably a bad idea. “If you wanna.” She grinned at Rey. 

“I don’t know. I’m tired.” Rey lied. 

“You’re gonna need a dress.” 

“Not if I don’t go.” For weeks Rey had been dreading this conversation, but it was time to tell them that she had no intention of attending Junior Prom. She walked between Rose and Finn as they came to the parking lot of the high school. 

Rose dramatically stopped in place, waving her car keys at Rey accusingly. “ What ? No. You have to go. You can’t not go!” 

“I don’t have a date.” It felt like enough to divert them. Maybe Rose would go off on her own and make a list of boys to ask and that way Rey could broker some peace until the next time she had to find a way to diffuse her demands. After a year of listening to all of Rose’s you can’t s and you should ’s, Rey was starting to feel like being relegated to whatever pit of doom Rose was always afraid of falling into would be better than forcing herself to do things because Rose would be scandalized if she didn’t. 

A far cry from when they first met, when Rey would have done anything to get Rose’s dazzling attention. But a lot changed for Rey over the last year. 

Finn dropped his backpack, making a strangled noise. Rey tried to help him pick it up but he swatted her away. 

“Do you have a bowling ball in there?” Rose remarked on the loud ‘thud’ it made. 

“No. Leave me alone.” He clutched the bag to his chest and ran ahead of them, presumably to Rose’s car. She gave them all rides home as the only one of the three with a driver's permit and a car. Rey had turned 17 a few months ago but Han and Leia didn’t ask about driver’s ed or anything like that. When Rey asked Finn and Rose about it, she found out the deadline to sign up through the school had passed. 

Rose was moping as they zig-zagged through the cars. 

“He thinks he doesn’t need me anymore.” She blurted out. “That’s always what happens before Senior year.” 

Rey knew better by now than to deny Rose’s assessments, which were wont to change often. “Yeah.” She looked across the parking lot at the sun. It hung low and shy today, protected by clouds. 

“Why don’t you want to go to prom?” 

The question startled Rey. “Um.” She started to feel a headache coming on. They were almost at Rose’s car, and Finn was there, fidgeting with something inside his bag. “I just think it’s stupid.”

Before Rose could grill her more, they were interrupted by a string of popping noises. Finn was crouched on the ground, grinning, hand still holding the lighter he’d just used to set off a few whiz-bangers. Behind him, propped up on Rose’s windshield, was a poster and a small radio, which wasn’t playing any music. The poster said “REY WILL U GO 2 PROM WITH ME?” He banged the top of the radio a few times and it sputtered out some music. 

Rey felt the gaze of strangers around them, and Rose of course who flanked her, taking out her phone and recording the promposal. Finn’s face was painfully cheery. Rey wanted to dive into the asphalt and dig herself into the earth’s core. No one would talk about prom down there. 

But she wasn’t there. She was here, surrounded by expectations, Finn’s face faltering every second longer she took to say something. 

Saying no would be so awkward, and yet… Her lips twitched. Rose pointed the camera at her and shouted. “I’m going live! Oh my god, so many people are clicking in! Hey John! Hey Poe!” 

Rey’s stomach flipped. Poe hadn’t acknowledged her existence, much less spoken to her since what happened at Thanksgiving. And now he was watching Rose’s livestreams? Were they friends? Did they talk without her? 

“Smile, Rey!” Rose emphasized, jerking her head in Finn’s direction. “This is a big moment. Hey Jannah! Oh, oh my god.” Rose giggled and mouthed something to Rey she didn’t quite catch the first time. “What?”

“ Y o u r b r o t h e r .” Rose drew out the shape of the words with her mouth slowly, silently. 

A bit of cloud moved out of the way. Rey felt the sun on her skin, burning her in all the places she last remembered Ben. Was Rose friends with him, too? 

Why was he watching her, now? Why was he invading her life through others? Why couldn’t he let her have anything? Not even anonymity?

The violation was now his gaze on her. 

“Yes. I’ll go to prom with you.” She looked at the camera. Finn came over to her and gave her a hug. 

Rose shrieked and some muted applause came from around them. Rey could feel her friends around her, but she wasn’t sure where her own body was or what it felt like.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The dress lay on Rey’s bed, perfectly ironed. It wasn’t anything spectacular, just a black cocktail dress with a wide, square bust line. It was layered in a thin, sheer sparkle that was dull under her ceiling light. 

She woke up that morning with a stomach ache and had been doing everything she possibly could since then to quell it. Including ironing her dress, poking around an old box of discarded fabrics she knew Leia kept in one of the living room chest cabinets, and pacing around her room enough to elicit a complaint from Han who was trying to work in the kitchen directly below. 

“Relax, kid. Today is a big day.” He looked around her room with a peculiar expression before closing the door. 

His judgment lingered. Rey sat on the floor and put headphones in, her ritual escape. 

She tried to imagine herself standing at prom, smiling with everyone else and taking pictures. Making jokes about stupid shit. All the things Rose and Finn used to do before they started fighting. But she couldn’t envision it. All she saw was herself standing in a big dark empty room, music faint in the background. 

Her phone buzzed. 

Stretching across her bed, she plucked it from the charger and opened the message from Finn. 

Hey. You busy?

She rolled onto her back. 

Yes and no. 

A few seconds later. 

Can I call you?

They never spoke on the phone. Rey felt uneasy, but she accepted the request by calling him straight away. 

“Oh,” he sounded nervous when he picked up, “didn’t think you’d be that quick.” 

“What’s up?” 

Finn was a terrible liar, but he was even worse at telling the truth. He tended to draw things out. 

“Well, I just…. Umm… I know you told Rose that you think prom is stupid, and…” 

For a moment, her chest fluttered. Was Finn about to say something to ease her? She racked her brain for a reply, not having much practice with this sort of thing. 

“...And this morning Julie Fazakis texted me asking if I would be her date to the prom. And well, since you know I have a crush on her and I know you don’t really want to go to prom, I just thought maybe you’d be okay withmetakingherinstead?”

She felt an air of bitterness waft through their friendship. Maybe Rose was right about him leaving them behind before senior year. But Rey wouldn’t let him know her disappointment. Not with all her practice in doing the opposite so many times with Han and Ben, too. 

“Yeah. Whatever.” 

Finn breathed out so loudly Rey had to move the phone away from her ear. 

“I’m so glad you’re okay with it. It’s just that prom is supposed to be romantic, you know? And I asked you more as a friend because I know you don’t really have crushes on people.”

“What?” Rey brought the phone up to her ear and reflexively stood. The mirror, which was hardly that anymore with all the missing pieces and remaining cracks, showed her an angry face. She tried to relax her eyebrows and repeated. “What do you mean?”

When Finn didn’t say anything, she added, “I thought I was fucking Poe.” 

“Come on.” He said softly. “That was a joke.”

Rey thought about herself straddling Poe in the gray and red cast of Ben’s room, wondering if she should have laughed, if it was such a joke. 

“I gotta go. Have fun with Julie.” She tried her best to mean it. 

After she hung up, Rey went to her Contacts list and hit call before she could think about it too much. 

He picked up after two rings, which was surprising. 

“Is everything ok?” She’d never heard Poe sound panicked. 

“Yeah.” 

An audible sigh. “Why did you call me?”

“Well I just…” She remembered Rose’s live stream. “I heard that you saw my promposal.” 

Some silence. “Oh yeah. It was pretty underwhelming, not gonna lie.”

“Well get ready for this. Finn canceled on me. He’s taking Julie Fazakis.” 

Shuffling sounds, and then a cough. “He what ? Isn’t prom like… tonight?”

Rey’s hands were getting clammy. “Yeah. Which is why I sort of need a last minute date.” 

It wasn’t entirely absurd. He’d almost taken her once before. 

“I can’t do that, Rey.” 

She sat on the bed, waiting for the explanation she’d been dreading for months anyway. Something about how he didn’t want to associate with her anymore after what happened. How he was sick of her, found her childish, and perhaps worst of all, knew her secret. 

But there was nothing. Silence. Still he wouldn’t hang up, so he must have been waiting for something. “Why not?” She prompted him. 

“Because I’m seeing someone, and she wouldn’t like it.” 

“Oh.” Finn with Julie. Rose with Mando. Ben with Bazine. “Right. Well.” Her eyelids were heavy and wet. She just noticed that she’d sat on the dress, wrinkling it. “Totally makes sense.”

Hanging up, she slid down to the floor, curling against her bedpost. How she managed to go from not wanting to go to prom to having a date to losing a date to asking someone and being turned down was a strange mystery. 

Han pitched the door open, ready with one of his rare grins, like a man who liked his family for once. “There’s a surprise for your special day.”

She didn’t care what Han was saying. It was all noise, the kind that said everything just to say nothing. Rey was starting to wonder if her life was noise. The rules that Ben imposed on her had been a cage, but maybe they had also been a tether. And now, without them, she was floating out into the abyss, bumping into things that pushed her away like useless debris. What happened to the remnants of those rovers they sent out into space? What happened to the ones that never made landing?

Han stepped aside, revealing Ben. A bouquet of flowers in his hands.

“Well I’ll leave you two kids, then.” Han squeezed his son’s shoulder before walking away. 

Rey wiped her face, absorbing the shockwaves of Ben’s presence in her room. Something she thought would never happen again. 

“Are those for Bazine?” She pointed at the flowers. 

He didn’t respond, only stepped further into the room and closed the door behind him. Rey stood up, backing into the farthest corner of her room. 

“No.” He sounded disgruntled. 

His half-answers used to inspire curious fear, but right now she was balancing on a razor’s edge. “I’m not a show pony. I don’t need a prize.” 

His grip on the stems betrayed the old Ben she knew so well. One of them snapped and fell out of the bunch, landing by his feet. “Don’t be a brat.” 

The accusation was absurd coming from someone who could make her twirl like a helpless puppet if he wanted to. She came out of her corner and snatched the flowers from his hand, ripping the stems and tossing them carelessly onto the floor. As she predicted, he grabbed her wrists. She was ready to squirm, to fight, to scream. It would give her some peace, after the day she was having. 

But his face wasn’t the picture of anger like it usually was. He looked… harrowed. She didn’t try to evade his grip. The sound of his breathing entranced her. His hair had gotten longer. They had never been this close before without a fight.

“Why did you come back?” Would he make any acknowledgement of what happened last year? 

He stepped into her, his large chest eclipsing the two of them. Rey’s heartbeat flew out of her ears. The same instincts that had briefly taken over when she was on top of Poe were awoken again, her thighs feeling tight and wobbly. A knot of tension formed inside her, demanding. She chanced a direct glance up at Ben, which brought their faces very close. She repeated her question, but her voice cracked. “Why did you come back?” 

“Rey.” He said her name firmly. 

The tension inside her mounted. 

She couldn’t take it anymore. His stoicness was like a lighthouse that refused to signal her, that wanted her to drown in the ocean’s twilight before he let her see the way home. 

“Is it because you’re my brother?”  

He yanked her wrists towards him and used the sudden movement to leverage her over onto the bed, pinning her down. “Don’t fucking call me that.”

The tears exploded. And so did the words. “Why are you so fucking awful to me? Just get out! I’m having a horrible fucking day! Get off me!”

He shouted back. “What the fuck are you talking about? What happened?” 

“Why do you care?” She whimpered under his body weight, but he wouldn’t relent. “Finn canceled on me to take someone else! Are you happy?”

They were both breathing wildly, their bodies rising and falling in sync. Han still hadn’t come upstairs. 

Ben stayed there for a few minutes. Rey was too afraid to move, but also part of her was magnetized to the bed, watching Ben’s shoulders move as he breathed. She felt the tension from before. She thought of provoking him again.

“You’re welcome for the flowers.” He muttered finally, and then got up and left. 

As soon as she was alone in her room again Rey screamed into her pillow. She rolled around on the bed. She collected the flower stems and crushed petals. The tension wouldn’t go away. Eventually she climbed into bed and took all of her clothes off, feeling like her room was too hot. She rubbed the flower petals in between her fingers, moaning at the sensation. It relieved the tension a bit, but not enough. Her hands started finding pieces of skin that were soft like the petals, rubbing gently. Her lips, her nipples, and then eventually the mound between her legs, which was wetter than she’d ever felt it before. 

Before she could stop herself, she saw visions of Ben on top of her, Ben’s fingers holding her clit like a flower petal, twirling his tongue gently around it, his fingers, his cock, anything that made the tension inside her sing until it reached a peak and shattered against it. Her body was drenched in sweat, tired, uncertain of how much time had passed. 

She fell asleep. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Something vibrated under her chest. Rey rolled over a few times, trying to ignore it, but the buzzing persisted. She wanted to stay asleep. Forget everything that happened today and just float away. But then the buzzing turned into knocking. Someone was opening her door. 

“Oh my god!” She shouted, springing up and hastily jumping under the covers. “You’re supposed to wait after you knock.” 

It was Han, still high off whatever it was that had him so cheerful earlier today. 

“Why aren’t you dressed yet? Or do you plan on going in your birthday suit?” He laughed. 

Of course she had to tell everyone. Why couldn’t they all just leave her alone like they usually did? “Finn--”

The front doorbell chimed. Han hurried downstairs to answer it, and Rey took the opportunity to slide out of bed and throw on a long t-shirt. For all she knew it was probably Rose coming to badger her about going stag. 

“Rey!” Han called upstairs. He was quite the parent today. “Your date is here.” 

She ran into the hallway and leaned over the railing to see what on earth Han was talking about. 

Finn was standing in the doorway, full tux and a corsage in his hand, smiling sheepishly. 

“I’m sorry. I am an idiot. A really, really big idiot. But I will buy you ice cream afterwards and I’ll carry you around if your feet start hurting from all the dancing we’re gonna do.” 

His pitch was compelling, but she was still feeling resigned to sleeping the memory of today away, for more reasons than just prom. 

He must have sensed her hesitation because he added, “And I will be nice to Rose all night. And I’ll--” he paused, shooting Han a pleasant smile and holding it until Han got the message to shuffle into another room. He pulled out a water bottle full of amber liquid and held it up as a peace offering. “I’ll even let you have the first sip.” 

His face was familiar to her. The turn of his head, the way he held his shoulders when he didn’t know the right thing to say. 

“I want a big sundae. Like, six scoops.” The look of relief on Finn’s face brought a smile out of her. “I’ll be quick.”

She hurried back into her room and grabbed the wrinkled dress off the floor where it had ended up. With no time for makeup or hair or any of the things Rose had rattled off about what everyone did for prom, Rey slipped the dress on and ruffled her hair a bit in the mirror, noticing some of its natural curl. She swiped some lip balm on and went into the bathroom to brush her teeth and add some eyeliner and mascara. It was more makeup than she wore every day. 

Her shoes were in the foyer, so she bounded down the stairs and grabbed them before looking up at Finn. When she did, he was holding out the corsage, ready to slide it onto her wrist. 

“You look like you.” He smiled.  

As they walked down the driveway together, Rey played with the petals of the corsage, torn between the warmth that spread through her at Finn’s words and the fire that kindled from the smooth surface of the flower and the shameful memory it recalled. 

Finn’s dad drove them to the school, politely silent the whole way there. Finn shot her a few mischievous looks, flashing the bottle that was tucked inside his suit jacket. By the time they arrived, some limos were dropping off students and one party bus was pulling in. They thanked Finn’s dad and hopped out, Finn offering his hand for Rey to steady herself. Though her shoes only had a small heel, it took some getting used to. 

As they walked towards the gym, Rey overheard some gossip from students coming off the party bus. 

“ I can’t believe…. Didn’t get….. Hotel downtown… A fucking gym. ”

She exchanged looks with Finn, who was already rolling his eyes. One of the students Rey recognized from the party at Julie Fazakis’ house. The boy she’d dumped a plant on. 

Finn shielded her from view and the two of them entered the gym. Rose was sitting on a table, ignoring a chaperone who was trying to politely encourage her off it. She looked stunning in her purple and white dress, hair curled and eyelashes long enough to draw focus amidst the twinkling ceiling lights. Everything had an air of decadence to it, which was hard to do in a high school gym. The tables were stacked with waterfalls of desserts and other finger foods. It was enough to help Rey forget about everything else except for what was right in front of her. A feeling she relished in as Finn grabbed them some punch. 

Rose waved them over. John Mando was standing next to her, his tie matching her dress. 

“I’m so glad you came stag!” She shouted, despite there being no music or much background noise at all. The gym was still relatively empty. 

Rey laughed. She usually found Rose’s obtuse comments annoying, but in that moment, watching her friend sway back and forth on the table, she found it endearing. Rose never held back from things, even if it made other people confused or uncomfortable. And she noticed things about Rey that other people didn’t. 

Finn swooped around her and dramatically bowed, offering her a cup of punch. “She’s no stag. She’s my date.” His attempt at a British accent drew a loud giggle from Rose. 

“Thank you, good sir.” Rey curtsied and took the punch. It was more sour than she expected. 

“There’s a surprise in there. I promised you the first sip.” He winked. 

The four of them moved to the center of the dance floor as more students shuffled in. Rey had never seen so many beautiful people. When Rose asked her about her lack of makeup and hair, the spiked punch relaxed Rey enough to shrug it off. Rose even seemed impressed. 

After a few more cups, Finn asked Rey to dance. She noticed him looking over at Julie Fazakis a few times, and something clicked. 

“Do you want to make her jealous?” She smirked. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His face turned red. “Yes.”

Rey grabbed his hand and led them closer to the group Julie was in. The music was slow and soft, so Rey put her arms around Finn’s shoulders and leaned into his chest. She was surprised by how nice it felt. In the dim lights and the dreamy notes of music, it was easy to let her mind drift, and Finn’s face became another’s. 

“I think it’s working.” He whispered to her. “She looks upset.”

Julie came over a few seconds later, bumping into Rey. “Sorry.” She smiled. “Wow. You look really pretty.”

“Thanks. So do you.” Rey smiled back. “Finn is such a good dancer.” 

Julie’s lips tightened. “I noticed.” 

“My feet are starting to hurt. Do you want to take over for me?” Rey could feel Finn’s blushing face without looking at him. He would thank her later. 

She left the two of them to find Rose. The gym was sufficiently packed now, and it was hard to see. Rose was in the corner, crying while eating cake. 

“He kissed someone.” She blurted as soon as she saw Rey approaching. “Right in front of me! Can you fucking believe it.” 

Rey could believe it, given how John Mando looked at the girls in their grade. But it felt like the wrong thing to say to her friend right now. Instead, Rey plopped down next to her and broke off the end of the cake slice Rose was about to put into her mouth, eating it and nodding. “Fuck John Mando. He’s an asshole. And he has tiny hands.” She didn’t know what that meant, but it seemed to please Rose. 

They stayed there until Finn found them a couple of songs later. Holding out both arms for each of them to grab, he said “Ice cream?”. They nodded. 

Exiting the gym together, Rey realized that it wasn’t just Finn who felt familiar. It was Rose, and Finn, and Finn and Rose, and Finn and Rose and Rey. Sometimes, late at night when her music was the only sound she could hear, Rey would get a swell in her fingers and toes, like a tidal wave yielding to the moon’s pull. She felt it now, too. 

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The ice cream shop was packed. The late night breeze had Rey and Rose huddled against Finn. 

As the line dwindled, a few of Rose’s friends came over and started chatting with her. Finn took off his jacket and hung it on Rey’s shoulders. She smiled up at him, still caught up in the feeling from before. 

“You know,” he grinned, “I never thought I’d say this, because believe me I think he’s a terrible person, but… I’m glad your brother came by.”

The feeling snapped in half, leaving Rey suspended on a broken shard. “What did you say?” 

“Shit.” Finn laughed nervously. “I wasn’t supposed to say anything. He made me promise not to say anything. Well, it was more of a ‘say anything and I’ll make sure you can’t have babies’, which, you know, any reasonable person would take as a promise.”

Rey wasn’t laughing. “Why are you talking to my brother?” Was Rose also talking to Ben? Is that why he joined the livestream the other day? Were they keeping secrets from her, while she was stupidly trusting them? 

“I shouldn’t have said anything. Please forget I said anything. Please.” His shoulders scrunched up the way they did when he felt small. Some part of her revved up, ready to scream and break things, but it felt distant. Enough that she was able to file it away for later. But the familiarity in Finn’s face was gone now. 

She ate her ice cream in silence, and stayed silent the entire drive home as Finn’s dad brought her back. 

Everything used to be easier. Before prom, before Thanksgiving, before Ben leaving. Now everything was magnified, every mistake and every moment of escape. 

The lights were off in the house. She slowly ascended the stairs. When she got to her door, she heard something creak. 

The door to Ben’s room was ajar.

Chapter Text

Rey walked towards the door.

She dreamed of this exact walk many times. What happened at Thanksgiving with Poe was a culmination of violations. And now, buzzed from the whiskey and the friendship she’d finally felt for once, Rey could see her hand move to open the door but she had no idea what she’d find behind it. Finn’s admission played in her head. 

Ben was sitting on the edge of his bed, his shoulders slumped over. He always had bad posture. But he didn’t need to stand up to be cumbersome. Rey felt his presence at all times, like air. 

She wasn’t sure what to do with her body. Never had they been still like this before. Without the momentum of his aggression, she was lost. 

He stood. Without needing to be told, Rey closed the door behind her.

“What are you doing?” Ben’s voice cracked. 

She didn’t have an answer for him. He didn’t look a thing like Han, which Rey always found peculiar. Or Leia, really. There was some talk about a grandfather but Rey never saw a picture of him, or knew much besides the fact that he died before Ben was born. Ben’s face was unique in its rage but also in its likeness. It was as if he had been dropped down onto earth with no tether, and Rey was the only thing that got near enough to him without burning entirely. She withstood their orbit. 

“Stop staring at me. I asked you a question.” 

Rey stepped towards him. He stepped back. “Get out.”

Something occurred to her that hadn’t yet before that moment. “You’re afraid of me.” 

This elicited a twitch from his hands, which were exploring the darkness of his room like magnets trying not to get too close to her. “I said get out.” 

The revelation was overwhelming. She stepped towards him again. “Why are you afraid of me? All you’ve ever done is control me.” 

He twitched again. 

The room was too dark. “I can’t see your face.”

He turned away from her, his voice coming through gritted teeth. “I’m not afraid.” 

“You’re certainly acting like it.” She turned to leave the room, feeling all at once crushed by his refusal to own what he’d done to her. 

But before she got to the door, there were hands on her arms, and then her shoulders. Her entire body was flung backwards by the force of his silent demand, and seconds later she was encased by him, his arms pinning her to the wall. 

“You have no idea what I’m afraid of.” He was breathing in her ear like an injured animal. 

“So you admit it then?” She had caught him. For once, the rules were broken not by her, but by him. 

He made a fist against the wall. That’s all he ever did when she asked for more than the measly little corner of hell he had built for her. “Admit it.” She shoved him. He barely moved. “Admit it!” She raised her voice, unafraid of Han or Leia or anyone because she knew no one would come. No one ever came. “You’re afraid of me!” The realization was the most power she ever had over him, and it was dwindling fast. He would get the upper hand any second and she had to make this count. “You’re so fucking afraid of me, Ben Solo!”

The escalation didn’t come. His face was obscured by the lightless room but he was so close to her that she could have sensed his gaze even with her eyes closed. “You hate me,” she whispered. A final note. 

At this he stirred. His hands dropped to his sides. Retreating towards the bed, he turned his back to her. “I hate that you’re my sister.”

Rey couldn’t blink the tears away fast enough so she didn’t try. She let them well up and streak her face. “Then I hate you too.”

She slammed the door shut behind her and ran to her own room, digging herself an escape under the sheets and falling asleep there, still wearing her prom dress.

---------------------------------------------

A soft stream of sunlight woke Rey up. Her joints ached. There were voices coming from the foyer downstairs that she didn't recognize. Still in her dress, she tip-toed out into the hall and peered over the stairs to see what was going on. 

The front door was wide open, a man standing there in a gray suit. His face was distantly familiar, and as Rey got a closer look at him she recalled where she’d seen him before…

Pulling into the driveway of her new home, Rey felt the ground rattle beneath her. It was an old gray car that she’d only seen a few other times, taking away other kids who’d been adopted or transferred to somewhere else depending on court orders and other things they never saw themselves, only heard second-hand accounts of when the decisions were already made. Rey was lucky enough to catch wind of her adoption the day before they came to take her. A social worker who arranged the entire thing had let slip that she would have a new room. Rey hadn’t been at the group home for long, having just transferred there after a previous adoption ‘didn’t work out’, as her paperwork said. In truth, she had bitten the man who was meant to be her father after he attacked her. 

This new family was much wealthier. They had a private driveway and a doorbell and clean windows. Rey marveled at the windows as she waited on the doorstep. The social worker told her to stand up straight, and she obliged. 

A car pulled into the driveway behind them, the blue and red lights not flashing but still easily spotted by Rey. She had been around enough cop cars to see them in her peripheral like a rabbit spotting a predator. 

The social worker gripped her shoulder, whispering, “What did you do?” 

“Nothing.” Rey mumbled, casting her gaze down. She listened for the car doors and counted how many slammed shut. 

“Let go of me.” She heard a boy speaking gruffly. His voice was somewhere between the stringy tenor of the boys at her old school and something deeper and wound tightly like a clock. She looked up at him. 

He saw her at the exact same time and froze, staring like he’d just seen a wreck. Rey swallowed, her skin flushed. She wasn’t used to that much attention from anyone. From behind him, a man appeared, tugging the boy’s arms along, which were in cuffs behind his back. 

The front door opened. A tall man with peppery black and gray hair brushed past Rey and the social worker. “Ben!” The man sounded exasperated. “What did you do this time?” 

The man escorting him pulled out a notebook, flipping it open. “Vandalism. Breaking and entering. I could charge him for assaulting an officer, too.” He looked at Ben. “I can’t keep doing this, Han. You’re lucky I was the one who found him this time.” 

“I know.” Han checked the boy’s hands and patted his pockets down. “Take those off.” He gestured at the cuffs. “Come on, Luke.” 

The officer noticed Rey at that moment. “Who’s this?” He pointed at her. The social worker stepped off the porch and extended a hand for Han to shake, smiling sweetly. “I’m from the agency. This,” she grabbed Rey’s shoulders and pulled her down next to her, smoothing back the sides of her ponytail roughly. “... is Rey.” 

Han looked confused, and then realization dawned. “Oh, right.” He smiled down at Rey awkwardly, ignoring the social worker’s hand. “You’re uhh… Well, you’re early.” 

Rey stared at him, forgetting all the things the social worker had prepped her to talk about. Her eyes kept gravitating to the boy, whose gaze returned hers every time she glanced his way. 

“Sorry, bad joke.” Han laughed. “If you could just wait a few minutes. Over there.” He gestured to the end of the driveway. “And I’ll handle everything here. Your room is ready for you.” He patted Rey on the shoulder. “I’ll tell Leia you’re here.” 

The boy had started to inch down the driveway, and Luke grabbed him. “Do you want me to take you downtown? There’s security footage of you. It doesn’t take much.” 

“Hey, now, let’s all calm down. There’s no need for that.” Han stepped in front of the boy. He dropped his voice. “Let him go.” 

Luke reluctantly obliged, a little rough with the boy as he undid the cuffs. He exchanged a few more words with Han but Rey couldn’t hear them. Eventually, Luke got into his car and drove off. 

Han whispered something into the boy’s ear and then turned to face Rey, smiling. He pushed the boy towards her. “This is Ben. Say hi to your new sister, Ben.” 

The color drained from his face. “What?” He raised his voice. “What the fuck are you talking about?” 

“Language.” Han warned. Someone opened the front door. The smell of bread came wafting outside.  “Let’s not do this outside Han. Please.” A middle aged woman with a stern smile waved them all inside. As Rey passed her by, she softened her smile a bit. “Hello.” 

“Hi.” Rey squeaked. 

“Welcome home. I’m Leia.” She offered a tray of food. “You must be hungry from the drive over.” 

Ben stormed up the stairs and slammed his door shut. Han wandered off into another room, engrossed in something on his phone. 

“Don’t mind them.” Leia laughed. “Let’s get you settled...”

Han walked out into the foyer, rifling through his wallet. He held out a wad of cash to the man. 

“For your trouble.” 

The man didn’t move. He took something out of his suit pocket and flashed it at Han. 

“Wow.” She heard Han whistle. “A lot’s changed. Good for you, Detective Luke.”

“We need to talk.” Luke’s voice was raspier than she remembered it. His face had aged too, much more than Han’s. Rey ducked, suddenly anxious that they would see her. 

“What’s there to talk about? He did some stupid shit again.” Han’s voice was the usual disinterested tone.

But the detective was not buying it. “You need to take this seriously, Han. I can’t keep covering up for him like this. He’s lucky I’m the one who found him.”

Rey perked up, realizing who they must be talking about. Before she could stop herself, the words came out. “Is Ben okay?” 

Both men looked up at her. “Go to your room, Rey.” Han snapped. 

“Hello.” Luke leaned into the doorway to get a clearer look at Rey. “I’ve been wanting to meet you for a long time.” 

All of Han’s confidence was gone.“Don’t.” He warned Luke.

But Rey didn’t care what he had to say. She needed to know what happened to Ben. “Where is he?” 

“In the backseat of my car.” Luke nodded. “He’s fine, but it was a close call. I found your boy with a bloody nose in an alley downtown. Looks like he paid someone to beat him up.” 

Rey shot down the stairs and out of the doorway, not caring that she elbowed the detective in the stomach. She opened the backdoor of the car and grabbed whatever of Ben she could get a hold of and yanked him out. It took almost all of her energy but he was on the grass now, holding his stomach, shirt stained with blood. 

“Are you out of your fucking mind ?” She’d never screamed like this before. “What is wrong with you?”

Ben grunted, keeping his head bowed away from her. His knuckles were streaked with blood, his or someone else’s she wasn’t sure. Last night bubbled up in her mind and she desperately needed to do something, anything to make it stop. 

“If that’s how you want to do things, fine! I can play that game too!” She ran out onto the road just as a car turned the corner. It swerved right before hitting her, the driver honking and shouting something angrily. 

Everyone was a blur. Han, Luke, Ben, she couldn’t tell who was what or whose arms were around her. Everything was a blotchy, miserable mess, and she didn’t stop crying until someone laid her down in her own bed, pressing the sheets over her chest. 

As the exhaustion took hold of her, she wished more than anything else not to wake up again. 

---------------------------------------------

The mid-June cicadas were out in full force as the sun set slowly. Rey closed up the last cooler, wiping the sweat from her forehead. It still got so hot in here, even with all the giant ice cream machines. She was almost a month into working. 

Her boss, a redheaded boy who went to the local community college, was strict about closing procedure. His favorite activity seemed to be rattling off all the reasons why the ice cream would melt overnight without his thorough list of things. Rey rarely heard him talk about much else. 

Except for his obnoxious comments about her. He always had something to say about what she wore and the impression it gave the customers. 

The clock hit 7pm, the end of her shift, and Rey couldn’t take her stupid hat and apron off fast enough. Usually she changed out of her work shirt in the backroom, but today Hux, her boss, had locked it. Something about bugs and not wanting them to spread to the machines. So Rey had to find a corner of the shop that wasn’t next to a window and quickly swap into a thin, baggy white crop top. The cool feeling on her stomach was a welcome reprieve. 

She stepped outside, grateful to be alone finally. 

“You’re eager to leave.” Hux startled her. He was leaned up against the wall, smirking and eyeing her stomach. “I wouldn’t let you dress like that if you were my girlfriend.” 

Rey clenched her jaw. He was the first real boss she’d ever had. The list of things she wanted to say to him but couldn’t piled up higher every day. 

Part of her wouldn’t have minded being fired -- the job wasn’t anything special, certainly nothing like the things that populated Finn and Rose’s resumes -- but that would mean being at home all summer. And Rey could think of nothing worse than that. 

One of her co-workers, a dark-haired boy named Silas with bright green eyes and wide shoulders, came around the side of the building and nodded at Rey. 

“Hux.” He turned to their boss and smiled. The two of them knew each other from school. “You look like a fuckin’ idiot in that shirt.”

Hux shifted uncomfortably, mumbling something to himself. 

“Ready?” Silas turned to Rey. She smiled, shielding her eyes from the sun. Silas made her forget about things like home and Hux and whatever else threatened the escape she’d built herself since the school year ended. He didn’t ask many questions, and he liked listening to music with her. 

She followed Silas to his car. More recently, he shared one of his own interests with her and Rey had taken to it almost instantly. He opened the door for her and winked. She slid into the front seat, which was really just a long bench connected to the driver’s seat. His car already smelled like weed. 

Rey leaned back and pulled her hair away from her neck, letting it splay across the bench seat as she felt the fabric against her lower back. Silas put on a song she loved. 

“You’re so good at that.” She closed her eyes and took in the beat and the subtle sounds of Silas next to her, crinkling a rolling paper between his fingers. 

The first time he’d let her smoke with him, it was after their shift together. Hux had been ragging on Rey for her shorts, which he decided violated the dress code. He went on and on about how he shouldn’t make an exception for her but he would this one time, and how she shouldn’t get used to it. Silas told Hux to go fuck himself and, after clocking out, he offered her a puff of something Rey thought was a cigarette. 

She coughed so much the first time. A few minutes later, her body felt light and she couldn’t remember any of the things that made her Rey Solo. It was so freeing.

Now they had this new ritual. 

Silas took a long drag, the smoke piling up around his neck, catching in the orange glow from the sky. Rey took the joint from him and gently moved her head to the music as she inhaled. 

“There’s a party tonight. You down?” Silas smiled and turned the music up. 

She nodded. Somewhere in the back of her mind she remembered promising Finn and Rose to hang out, but she pushed it away. They asked so many questions about what she was doing and if she was still grounded and if Han and Leia were going to buy her a car and if Ben said anything to her before leaving for Europe. 

“I got you something.” He reached into the backseat and grabbed a box. 

Rey opened it and peered inside. It was a bracelet woven out of various shades of blue string. “Oh, shit. I know what this is.” A friendship bracelet. Some of the girls in her grade wore them. She laughed, taking it out of the box and admiring the pattern. 

“My sister made it.” Silas grinned. “She thinks you’re my girlfriend.” 

“That’s cute.” Rey put the bracelet on. It dangled from her wrist comfortably. “I can’t remember the last time anyone got me a gift.” 

Silas pulled out of the parking lot and started driving them to his place, where they usually stopped to pick up alcohol before going out. “When’s your birthday?” 

Rey’s body was a coil unwinding, the wind from the partly open window next to her the only reminder that she was still in it. Her thoughts drifted to nothingness. To the music. To a bright, blank landscape where she could be anyone and think anything. 

“Rey?” Silas laughed. 

“Oh, sorry.” She tried to recall his question. “I don’t really know.” 

“Are you that high?” He chuckled. “Do you need me to check your ID to remind you?” 

Rey pulled it out casually and handed it to him. 

“April 17th.” He read it off. 

“Sure.” She shrugged, wanting to slip back into her blank world. In truth, April 17th was just a random day. Of the few memories she retained from the early weeks after her parents’ disappearance, she recalled talking to a tall man with a moustache who kept asking her questions she didn’t know the answer to. One of them was about her birthday. She didn’t know so she guessed. It was around spring, anyway. 

“Well, I missed this year but next year I’ll get you something.” 

Rey leaned against the window and closed her eyes again. They pulled into his apartment complex. 

His unit was small and cramped with stuff, mostly clothes and instruments he sort of played and crates full of books. Rey still couldn’t get over the fact that he lived alone. He never talked about his parents, which was fine with her because she never brought up Han or Leia. 

Opening the fridge, Silas grabbed some boxes of beer. Rey helped him load them back into the car. The sun had set and she listened to the crickets as they drove over to whoever’s house the party was at. 

She only recognized a few other people, also co-workers from the Ice Cream shop. They were already drinking. The music was terrible but the weed made it tolerable. Silas went off to unpack the beers and probably say hello to his friends. 

Someone offered Rey an unopened can but she passed it up. “Where’s the liquor?” 

She was directed to the kitchen, and found Silas in there already mixing a drink. Rey followed his lead, pouring the same things into another cup. She didn’t actually know much about liquor, only that it got her buzzed faster than beer and it didn’t give her as much of a headache the next day. She’d only been drunk a few times, all since she met Silas. 

“Ambitious.” He pointed to her cup. “I’m a bad influence on you.” 

Rey liked his attention. It was easy to absorb and came with no strings attached. “If you’re not careful, Hux will think you’re corrupting me.” 

“Impossible.” Silas moved closer to her and brushed the rim of his plastic cup against hers. “You’re a good girl.” 

The room tilted on its axis. Her safe haven was punctured by his words. Memories she didn’t want to recall. She was swept up, awkwardly standing there with the cup frozen a few inches from her lips, unable to put it down or take a sip.         

“You okay?” Silas had a look of concern. 

Rey tried to tune herself, like a chord, but the string was broken. She took a big gulp, and Silas was placated. He laughed and said something about going to change the music, but she wasn’t paying attention. Staying in the kitchen, she nursed the drink at a steady pace, unaware of the people who came and went around her. 

At some point, Silas came back. “Another?” He smiled. She let him fill her cup. 

The liquor started to do its work. The snapped chord turned into a cloud, and she could feel herself floating higher, a gentle breeze of calm working its way up her body. She liked the music. 

“Good choice, as always.” She touched Silas’ shoulder. He leaned into her. “What? I can’t hear you.” His body was lean and didn’t remind her of anyone. Not Finn whose wide shoulders were also stout, or Hux who seemed to fold himself up every day before letting anyone see him, or Ben whose shoulders were more like the wings of a fallen angel.

“I said… good choice.” She was hovering by his neck now, her eyes following the ripples of his jaw when he spoke. 

His hands were touching her waist. The corner of his smile swallowed her vision. “You’re so…” He was saying something but the music drowned him out. His mouth was nearly touching hers. 

“What are you doing, man? Hey, back off.” 

Poe Dameron put his hand on Silas’ chest and shoved him away from Rey. 

Silas put his hands up immediately. “Nothing, dude. Nothing. I’m sorry. Are you okay, Rey? Are you good?” 

She was too buzzed to process his panic. Instead she turned to Poe and waved her drink in his face. “Don’t be so uptight.” 

Poe stared at her blankly. Or maybe he was saying something, she couldn’t tell. The music was so loud and looking at his face reminded her of Ben. She started walking out of the kitchen. No one stopped her. 

The living room was full of people dancing, their bodies weaving against one another like a school of fish. Rey laughed at the image. Someone asked if she wanted to sit down but she shook them off. The music entered her body and soon she was on top of a coffee table, carried away by the sounds and the subtle heat off the small crowd of people around her. 

Her cup was empty again. She stumbled off the table, heading back to the kitchen to fill it. Someone cut her off, yanking the cup from her hands. 

“I think you’re good.” It was Poe. 

Rey snorted. “Okay, dad .” The word was foreign in her mouth. “I don’t have a dad.” She observed. “Like, not really.” 

“I think you should go home. You’ve had enough.” Poe tried to take her hand, but she slipped out of his grip. 

“You didn’t have any problems drinking with me last year. Or taking me to prom. Or trying to have sex with me.” She slurred. “You’re just mad that I have friends.” 

Poe’s frustration didn’t scare her. He didn’t understand. But Silas understood. 

“Yeah, and I was a fuckin’ idiot for that. Please let me take you home.” He took off his jacket -- the leather one he always wore, and draped it over her shoulders. It smelled like cigarettes and cologne. The material felt nice. She swayed to the music. At some point Poe guided her towards the door, and she didn’t stop him. 

The moon was clear in the sky. Rey thought of herself throwing a string up at it and climbing her way into the stars. She pictured herself as a tiny ship. 

Poe put his arm around her, which did make it easier to walk, and after a few minutes he spoke. “Sorry if I ruined your night with what’s-his-face. I just didn’t think you were sober enough, you know?”

“No. You haven’t talked to me in months.”

“Yeah… I know.” His weight shifted a bit. “It’s complicated.” 

“No it’s not. I’m tired.” Her bed was so far away. Poe’s chest was soft but it was still too much like someone else. “How far are we from your car?” 

“Car?” He laughed. “We’re walking back, Rey. It’s not far.” He hoisted her up a bit. They walked in silence for some time. “How’s Ben?” 

“Why would you ask me that?” Rey jerked away from him, but his grip was too stable. He stopped walking. 

“Because you’re acting like a dumbass and I just assume it has something to do with him.”

“I don’t care about Ben. I don’t care what he’s doing.”

“Ooookay.” Poe started them walking again. Some lawn sprinklers started going off as they passed. Rey wanted to run through them and wash off Poe’s questions. But she started feeling dizzy and heavy. 

She leaned on Poe the rest of the way there. When they got close, he spoke again. “Any plans for after?” 

“After what?” Her head was throbbing. 

“After graduation.” 

“Oh. I don’t, umm, I don’t know.” Finn and Rose had been talking about filling out college applications over the summer, but Rey didn’t understand half the things they said. 

“Well you’re getting out of here, right?” 

“Why would I do that?” She had never pictured her life beyond the immediate. 

At this he let go of her, turning around to face her directly. In the dark she could see his brows pulled together. “Because you hate it here.” 

The matter-of-fact tone made her feel stupid. She knew that. Of course she knew that. 

“Leave me alone.” The Solo’s driveway was a few feet away from them so she made her way towards it without his assistance. 

“Rey…” He called after her. 

“Just go away! Go find some other girl to be weird and invasive with. I don’t need your help. I don’t need anyone’s help!” 

She saw the light flick on in Han and Leia’s room. “Great…” She sighed, already mentally tallying up how many weeks of grounding this would mean as she walked up to the house. 

The door was unlocked, so she let herself in and went straight up to her room. The disinterested and disappointed looks could wait until the morning. 

As Rey tossed and turned, trying desperately to fall asleep, she kept imagining her bedroom door opening and a shadowy figure walking up to her bed. Reaching out to her. Touching her legs, her thighs, climbing on top of her. She imagined herself whispering a name into the abyss, a cantillation she tried to summon him with over and over again. 

Ben, Ben, Ben ….

Chapter Text

“Are you sure you want to do this?” 

Poe stood across from her, his hands gripped tightly around her waist. Her bare skin, exposed to the late evening breeze, was covered in goosebumps. She only had her bra and underwear on. 

“Yes, I’m sure.” She sounded more confident than she felt. 

Poe nodded. He lifted her up and tossed her as high as he could. 

Half screaming, half laughing, she collided with the lake’s surface. The water was even colder than she expected. She let herself sink for a few seconds before coming back up for air. There was a blurred splash next to her, and once the water cleared from her eyes she saw Poe treading water, a grin on his face. 

“I miss when you used to be scared of your own shadow.” He floated on his back, creating little waves around himself. 

“I don’t.” She flicked water in his direction. The sky was a light purple. 

After a few minutes, Poe swam over to where she’d floated off to. “So are you gonna tell me?”

She dipped her head in the water and came back out, pushing the hair out of her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

He circled her, the water gently rippling. “So he’s not your boyfriend?” 

“I don’t know. Don’t tell anyone.” The terms with Silas were unclear. Rey was perfectly fine with that, but now other people were getting involved and it felt weird. Finn and Rose had been texting her for a week or so but she hadn’t been checking the groupchat. Their constant college chatter made her feel anxious. She would tell them soon. And maybe they could explain the weirdness to her.

Poe drifted closer. “You mean don’t tell Rose.” 

Right . Rey forgot that Poe and Rose followed each other on instagram. She didn’t have any social media. Did following constitute a friendship? The thought formed a pit in her stomach so she abandoned it, instead moving even closer to Poe. His breath reached her face, warmer than the water even though she’d gotten used to it. “Are you jealous?” 

He laughed. “I don’t get jealous.” 

Spending more time around Poe gave Rey a glimpse into how he worked. It was hard for her to picture the boy she knew before. It was even harder to think back to last Thanksgiving. 

“What are you going to do about tomorrow?” He continued to tread water, watching her for a response. 

She looked up at the tree branches that hung over the water, their leaves bright and full. “I don’t know. Get drunk. Avoid Han and Leia. What else?” 

“You should call Rose.” He started swimming towards the shore. “She wants to talk to  you. And not about college.” 

Rey tried to hide her face as she also made her way to shore, feeling embarrassed that Poe somehow knew why she had been avoiding her friends. “Alright.” She mumbled, squeezing the water out of her hair and slowly pulling her clothes back on. 

Poe didn’t ask her any more questions as he drove her home. He even let her choose the radio station. When he dropped her off, it almost looked like he might say something, but then he patted her awkwardly on the shoulder and drove off. Rey didn’t dwell on it. She wanted to get inside as fast as possible so no one could start a conversation with her about where she’d been or what she’d been doing. Two things Han and Leia had taken sudden interest in, after so many years of treating her like a wall ornament. 

They were sitting in the living room when she came inside. Leia stood up. “Rey, come in here please.”

She winced. Why did they decide to start parenting now and in this particular way? The self important lectures were rich coming from two people who never even grounded their son once. 

“You’re getting the carpet wet.” Han addressed her stiffly. To which she shook herself off, making sure to get as much water on the carpet as possible. Han looked away from her. 

“Rey.” Leia perched on the edge of the couch, folding her hands in her lap. “We wanted to talk to you about tomorrow. You know how important it is for us to spend time as a family.” 

Rey couldn’t stop herself from laughing. Leia fussed with her hands. “Please.” She sounded exhausted, which was her usual state these days. 

“I’m just wondering when we all decided to start playing happy family.” Rey crossed her arms. “If you’re gonna ground me just do it. Don’t come up with some fake story about family.” 

“Don’t talk to your mother that way.”

Rey could have flown out of her body at that exact moment. She rounded her judging gaze onto Han. “Don’t talk to me at all and we won’t have a problem.” 

“Everyone, please . Han.” Leia sighed. “We want to have a cookout here for the 4th. Amylin’s family is going to come over. We’d like you to be there.” 

Rey could think of nothing worse than being surrounded by drunk adults who ruined her life, especially while she couldn’t get drunk to forget about all the ways they ruined her life. “Yeah, no thanks. I’ll pass.”

“Amylin’s boys are coming. You’ve always liked them.” Han thawed a bit towards her, looking to his wife for some praise for his small gesture of participation. 

“I literally don’t even know their names.” Rey said matter-of-factly. 

Leia pursed her lips, as though she might be waiting for the right moment to say something. 

“What is it?” Rey felt the panic come on. “What is it you’re not telling me?” Her mind cycled through all the worst possibilities. This wasn’t the usual lecture. Something horrible had happened. They were kicking her out. She was going to jail for stealing Han’s liquor. Something bad happened to Ben... 

The last possibility drew anger out of her. “What IS IT?” She yelled. 

Han stood abruptly, and for once Rey saw some remnant of his son in him. His apathy had spent years of being Rey’s parent, but this angry man in front of her was just as much a stranger as he always was. “You’ll stay at the house tomorrow and that’s final.” 

“I already made plans with Finn and Rose.” She lied.

“Good. Invite them.” 

She started to protest, but Leia cut her off. “We know things have been hard lately and we just want to give this a try. Can you try?”

The anger dissipated into something much more uncomfortable. Rey felt a sadness she couldn’t name, nothing that could be cried away. “Whatever.” She stormed upstairs to her room.

Pulling out her phone, she saw a missed call from Rose. Her instinct was to toss the phone across the bed and ignore it, but a second call came in, and Rey found it harder to ignore what was happening right in front of her. 

Finally, she picked up. “Hey.”

“Oh my god you’re alive! Also, what the FUCK Rey! I shouldn’t have to go to Poe fucking Dameron to get your attention.” 

“Yeah, that was weird…” Rey felt a pang of jealousy, but she wasn’t sure if it was towards Rose or towards Poe for being able to talk to Rose easier than she could. “Are you guys hooking up?” It was the first thing Rose had assumed about Rey and Poe last year. Rey didn’t even mean it, she just wanted something to say that Rose would be interested in talking about. 

“Oh, no. I mean, not really. Kind of. Lots of updates. Anyway what have you been doing?” 

Rey hesitated to reply, and Rose filled the silence with a quick, “I promise I won’t talk about college stuff. I’m really sorry I kept blowing up the chat. I know that’s why you haven’t been talking to us.”

“Wow, Poe can really keep a secret.” 

“You know who actually can keep a secret? Me. I can. I’m great at keeping secrets, especially about secret boyfriends.”

Rey laughed softly, feeling unexpectedly relaxed by the familiarity of Rose’s voice. “He’s not my boyfriend. You can’t tell Finn.” 

The silence coming from Rose was a guilty one. “You already told Finn.” Rey observed. 

“I’ve suffered in your absence.” Rose tried to sound serious, but her smile--her relief--came through.  

Rey stretched out onto her bed, running her fingers through the wet knots in her hair. It was nice to feel normal, and Rose was the most normal person she knew. “Do you wanna come over tomorrow for a cookout?”

There was a shuffling sound and then Finn’s voice in the background. “Yes. We’re down. What time should we come? Should we bring anything? Totally casual, obviously.”

“Hi Finn.” Rey laughed. A warmth spread through her, erasing the conversation with Han and Leia and all of the spiraling thoughts that had tidaled her.  

“Hi Rey!” She could hear his grin through the phone. It felt good to be reunited.

“Come over tomorrow around 4. And don’t bring anything. Han has some liquor and we deserve to be compensated for our time.”

------------------------------------------

Rey left the house before anyone else woke up.

Poe wasn’t answering his phone, and neither was Silas, so Rey decided to walk over to the lake. It was a couple of miles and the clouds shielded her the entire way. By the time she saw the trees that indicated the path towards the lake’s edge--the path Poe had shown her--Rey’s feet were aching. She longed for the cool sensation of water all over her body. 

She left her things in a pile on the banks, sliding gently into the lake. Her toes found the ground but it quickly dipped off. Treading water, Rey closed her eyes and let the sun find her. 

For so long it was enough to exist alongside everyone else, watching them as they lived their lives and waiting until someone told her where and how to fit in. But that wasn’t enough anymore. Maybe it never was. She wanted to cross over some horizon, leave behind an old part of herself and enter a newness. 

Han and Leia’s disappointed faces lingered in her mind. An empty space beside them for Ben, his face cut out and put away somewhere it couldn’t haunt her. And then there was herself, a fourteen-year-old, knobby-kneed, doe-eyed heap of a person. An outline of a person. Rey Solo. 

Rey Solo was stifling. She needed to escape, but how?

She could work at the Ice Cream Shop. At some point Hux would either tire of harassing her or tire of her lack of interest in him, and that would become a problem. There were other jobs. Would that be the rest of her life? Working odd jobs until the people around her asked for too much and she had to leave, find somewhere else, become someone else? 

These questions stayed on her mind even after she got out of the lake. The sun was now fully exposed in an early afternoon glow. Her absence would require answers soon. 

Her clothes dried on the walk back. She noticed a car in the driveway and assumed it was Amilyn Holdo and her sons. Entering through the front door, which was already open, Rey called out into the house, not expecting a reply back. “I’m home!”

She started undressing before opening her door, balling her shirt up and preparing to aim it at the laundry basket.

But when she opened the door, the shirt fell out of her hands. 

Standing by her window was Ben. More muscular than the last time she saw him, his face clean shaven and his hair cut shorter. He looked up at her, quickly hiding something in his hand.

Words came and went from her mind, most of them demanding. Leia’s pursed lips suddenly made sense. This house was always full of unspoken things. 

“They knew you were coming.” She shared the accusation. 

Ben looked surprised, but he said nothing. Instead, he walked towards her slowly. He fidgeted with whatever was in his hand. “I have something for you.” His voice was soft. 

Rey was stunned and suspicious. Where was all the vitriol? The last time she saw him, his face was puffy and swollen. Now his cheeks were smooth—still, even—as he looked at her. 

He was looking at her. 

“Is it a childhood?” She snapped. “Because if not, there’s nothing you have that I want.” 

He winced. The object in his hand was revealed. A small trinket, something that looked like a golden key. “Happy Birthday.” He placed it on the edge of her bed. 

“My birthday was months ago.” Surely he was baiting her. Not a single one of Rey’s birthdays in the Solo household had been regarded with anything more than a card. Who was this stranger before her, pretending to be gentle? Even his wide shoulders were unnerving, squared towards her despite there being no threat in them, no apparent lunge that would pin her to the wall or the bed or anywhere else that echoed the two of them. 

“I know.” There was exasperation now, too. Stranger . “Look, if you want to fucking throw it out or whatever, go ahead.”

Ah, there he was. A little bit of him at least. 

“Good. I will.” She stepped aside, giving him a clear path to exit her room. From his face she could tell that there was more he wanted to say, or maybe more he wanted to take back, but she didn’t care. Right now she wanted to shower the lakewater off and she wanted nothing to do with this new game between them. 

He understood her silence and left the room, but when their bodies passed by each other Rey felt an electric pulse. It stayed with her while she showered, and it only went away after she slid a finger inside herself and searched for it. And then shame replaced it. 

———————————————————-

The only thing that could dampen the buzz of being under the same roof as Ben was alcohol, so Rey wasted no time breaking into Han’s liquor cabinet while everyone else was in the backyard. She needed a head start. 

Finn and Rose walked in through the unlocked front door just as she finished taking a sip. Rose was wearing a one piece red bathing suit with shorts on and Finn was just wearing shorts. Rey was startled by his bare chest, unprepared for how muscular he had become. Not that she’d ever taken a look at him, but Rey had realized a long time ago that Rose was attractive. With Finn, it was a slower process. 

“Pleeeeeease, I need it.” Rose held out her hand for the bottle, which Rey passed to her. 

“Really? In the living room? What if…” Finn dropped his voice to a whisper. “What if someone comes in here?” 

Rey shrugged. “If you don’t want to—.”

“Cheers.” Finn took the bottle out from under Rose’s lips and stole a hefty gulp. “We are all going to need it. Did you see how many shirtless men are in the backyard?”

Rose gasped. “Do you think I look good in this? I picked it out at the mall a few days ago and I wasn’t sure about the red.” 

“Red looks good on you.” Finn nodded sagely. 

“Great. Now that we’ve established that I’m sexy, can we go to the backyard? I want to see these shirtless men.” 

The ease with which Rose was able to resume their dynamic startled Rey. Standing between her two friends Rey now realized that some part of her had also been avoiding them because it felt awkward to start back up after avoiding them. Seeing no hesitation on their part made Rey feel guilty. 

And that guilt made Rey feel nauseous--or maybe it was the knowledge that Ben was in the backyard, that Ben was probably one of those shirtless men, and that visual made it harder to keep his face cut out and filed away in her mind--but she had no way of explaining that to them. So she did the next best thing. 

“Whoa, slow down . Save some for the rest of us.” Rose took the bottle away from Rey. By now the liquor had started moving up her body, spreading a warm, relaxing sensation. Going into the backyard where she knew Ben would be waiting for her—waiting to calculate her every move and impose his rules—didn’t seem so impossible. In fact, it could be an opportunity to show him just how little she worried about his rules anymore.     

Finn took out an opaque water bottle and poured the rest of the liquor into it. “Lead the way.” 

Rey took them through the kitchen and outside. From the smell of things, the grill was on. A few people were clustered by a fold-out table. Amilyn and her wife. Leia. All swirling wine glasses and laughing as if this might be the usual way of life at the Solo house. Surrounded by people. Getting along. 

Suddenly Rey felt self-conscious. Did she look childish next to her friends, without a bathing suit on or the confident air that Rose seemed to effortlessly exude? Part of her wished Poe was there. He made her feel older and less scared. 

Finn discreetly poured some liquor from his water bottle into pre-arranged cups of punch. None of the adults had flagged them down yet anyway. 

Ben’s gaze cut through the noise in her head. She tried to avoid looking for as long as possible but when Amilyn waved her boys over to say hi, Rey’s eyes drifted to Ben. He was standing by the cooler, and next to him... was Bazine. 

“Hey! Watch it!” Finn jumped back to avoid the overflow from Rey’s cup as she crushed it in her hand. “Sorry.” She said guiltily, grabbing a nearby napkin and wiping her knuckle. 

“Rey!” Amilyn approached them with a warm smile. “So good to see you. Are these your friends?”

They introduced themselves to Amilyn, careful to stand back a bit so no one could smell the liquor. Though it may not have worked, given the curious expression on Amilyn’s face. 

“Are you all excited for senior year?” 

“Sure.” Finn nodded nervously. 

“I can’t wait for it to be over.” Rose smiled sweetly, the way Rey had seen her do in the presence of Finn’s parents. “I’m so ready for college.” 

Rey tuned out the conversation, finishing off her punch quickly. Amilyn watched her but didn’t say anything. 

Where Ben’s presence had been a buzz it was now like a chainsaw revving up on a loop. Bazine’s hand was on his shoulder. It was a tender kind of touch that made it hard for Rey to keep her thoughts straight. Did someone ask her a question? Why were they staring at her? She looked to Finn desperately, and he understood enough to repeat. “Amilyn was asking how your college search is going?” 

“Oh.” Rey looked at Ben and Bazine again, unable to stop herself. “It’s fine.” 

Amilyn’s sons, Rhys and Sebastian, joined them. They were shorter than Ben but still hulking, sporting similar short haircuts and cheekbones which they inherited from Amilyn. 

“Hey Rey.” Sebastian looked her over. “You’ve grown.” 

“Don’t be weird.” Rhys elbowed him in the stomach. “Hi.” He gave Rose and Finn polite looks. “You all go to Coruscant High?” 

“Yes.” Finn croaked. 

“We’re about to be Seniors.” Rose took over for him, playing with her hair until it fell prettily across her shoulder. Rey watched the action and thought of following it, but she felt too silly. Rose was so feminine. Like Bazine. Rey didn’t know how to do that on command. 

“Cool. We just graduated from The Naboo School.” 

Rey had heard of the name only a few times before. Some private school that sat in the lush hills outside of the main town where they lived. They were probably going to good colleges, which Rey absolutely did not want to hear about. 

But Rose did. “Oh my god, you must be going to…” 

Rey walked away, unsure of where to go, but positive that she needed to put as much distance between herself and the conversation happening as possible for at least half an hour. Or however long Rose could keep it up. But with Ben and Bazine and Han and Leia, the backyard felt like a minefield.

To Rey’s surprise, Finn followed her. “Sorry.” He gave her a sad smile. “I know how much you don’t like that.” 

“It’s okay.” Finn drifted towards the grill and she didn’t follow him, instead keeping a distant eye on Rose as she chatted with Rhys and Sebastian. Someone approached from her peripheral. 

“Hi, Rey.” It was Bazine. 

The gentleness of her tone reminded Rey of Ben standing in her room earlier. Had Bazine somehow poisoned him with this gentleness? Rey wanted to scream and flip a table just to make the point that she would rather rage and thrash than join whatever was happening here. If Bazine lingered too long, Rey would happily dump the entire cooler on her. She said nothing in response. 

“How have you been? I heard you had a nice time at prom.” Bazine pressed on. 

The memory of Ben breathing on her neck came to mind. Speaking of, she noticed Ben standing stiffly nearby, clearly trying to avoid becoming part of the conversation. Rey felt the urge to drag him in. She spoke loudly. “Ben actually made Finn take me after he cancelled last minute.” She smiled sweetly. 

“How did you find out about that?” Ben walked over, like a magnet to her words. 

Bazine’s smile slipped momentarily. “You didn’t tell me that, babe.” She touched Ben’s arm and he flinched. “Why did Finn cancel on you?” 

Ignoring her question, Rey pressed further on the nerve she struck with Ben. “Poe almost took me.” She lied. “He looks great in a tux.” 

Ben slammed his empty cup down on the table. “Why the fuck are you going near Poe? Stay away from him.” He had said something similar to her once years ago, also in the backyard.

“Don’t tell me what to do.” The Nice Guy from earlier was gone. Her Ben was back. If she could provoke him enough in front of Bazine, maybe they would break up right there. “Or who to go near.” 

Bazine cleared her throat. The way she looked at Ben made Rey wonder if the two of them were having a different conversation than the one happening out loud. An understanding passed between them, and Ben let out a slow breath. He clenched his jaw, looking away from Rey.

“I think Ben just means that Poe may not have your best interests in mind.” She smiled sadly, like Rey was deserving of something… Pity? 

“Maybe you should worry about your own relationship and stay out of my life.” Rey stormed off, feeling a thread between her and Ben snap. Especially when he didn’t chase after her. 

Finn walked up to Rey, his shoulders tense. “What was that? Is he going to beat me up? I just feel like he’s going to beat me up.”

And yet it was Rey’s fist that twitched, still watching the way Bazine was so tender with Ben. Who did she think she was, intervening like that? “Finn.” Rey turned to him. “Do you think I’m hot?”

“Huh?” He choked on a mouthful of burger, some ketchup dripping down his chin. “Why are you asking me ?”

“Because.” Rey spoke plainly. “You notice things like that about people.” 

“Well….” He trailed off. “Yeah. Sure. Of course. I mean, you’re really hot. I kind of always assumed that you knew that.” 

His forwardness gave her a small thrill. As if she could summon that out of him. Perhaps she could summon that out of any boy. She thought of Poe’s hands roaming her body, of the way Sebastian greeted her, even the way that boy from the party last year leaned into her ear. I can make you forget about him … 

Maybe she wasn’t as powerless as Ben made her feel. Maybe she could be pretty on command, like Rose and Bazine. 

Rose bounced back over to them, appraising the backyard. “You know, I never thought I’d say this because, let’s be real, he’s kiiiiind of a psychopath, but your brother is really sexy. Like, boss-me-around kind of sexy.”

The words were like fuel to a fire. Rey knew what it was like to be bossed around by Ben. But she would never know what it was like to say those kinds of things about him, to speak so freely without consequence. To imagine him doing those things to her and feel no shame after...

Rage ripped through her. At Rose. At Bazine. At everyone around her except for Ben, who was the source of her rage. The lightning rod. 

Sebastian approached them. His sun-kissed face--the boyish smile that she knew Rose was probably staring at--was too tempting. To draw in. To conquer. 

It was the only weapon she had, wasn’t it?

“This gathering is starting to feel very… adult. Are we staying here for the fireworks, too?” Rey surprised herself by how seductive her own voice sounded, her eyes trained on Sebastian’s face. 

“This is a little dry. I’m surprised Ben and Bazine haven’t had a public fight or something. Seems like the kind of thing Ben would be into. Yell a lot. Makeup sex after.” Rose wrinkled her nose. Rhys and Sebastian laughed. “Yeah, that’s pretty accurate.” 

“Can we not talk about my brother having sex?” Rey snapped at them. She felt herself slipping under the weight of their casual remarks. No one understood what it was like to be at the mercy of Ben. And then to see him move on as if it had never happened, never meant anything more than whatever it was Bazine said… Your best interests .

Rose grabbed Rey’s arms and pulled her away from the cooler. The sun was starting to set and the adults were hanging off to the side. No one had been making use of the speakers, but now Finn was fiddling with one of the wires, plugging in his phone. One of Rey’s favorite songs started playing. “Loosen up.” Rose whispered to her. “There are way too many hot boys here for you to be angry about your dumbass brother.” 

She was right. Focusing on Ben drained her energy and made her feel trapped in the empty house of her mind. But that was like asking the planets to simply ignore the pull of their orbit around the sun. Painful. Destructive. 

Still, she turned to her friends, trying to imagine herself through their eyes. A teenage girl standing in the backyard, surrounded by people who just wanted to have fun , who didn’t know about the violence that lurked beneath. Loosen up. Let go. Forget. 

Joining Rose, Rey started to move her body, channeling the feeling from her conversation with Finn. And jumping in the lake with Poe. And standing in Ben’s doorway… 

The magnetic pull between them was doing its work again. Her eyes opened and at first she thought her imagination and the alcohol were conspiring to create a floating form of Ben, heading towards her as she tried to fade amongst the people around her, phasing in and out of normalcy. But then she realized it was actually him, walking towards her. His features in some arrangement of an emotion she could not recognize. It was too fragile to be anger. And yet the stiffness of his arms, the clenched jaw, all of it reminded her of the day he knocked the cake out of her hands.

His hands came up towards her and she balled up her fists and braced for impact, whatever it would be. She reminded herself that she hated him, just like he hated her. 

But when his hands found her face it was a gentle movement, like cupping water from a lake. His thumb moved across her cheek, and Rey realized that she must have been crying. 

The hardest part of Ben’s absence hadn’t been the adjustment, or even the hole he left behind. It was the confusion, the uncertainty, the great big question mark that loomed over every moment they collided and whether or not Rey should fear and hate him or wait for the day it was finally okay for them to be like this. 

Her fists remained clenched, held in front of her stomach like she might unravel. He opened his mouth to say something… 

“Ben.” Bazine interrupted, her concern apparent by the way she scrunched her eyebrows at her boyfriend, the man she probably thought she knew better than anyone else. The man she probably touched and kissed and gave things to. Ben took those things. 

And just like that the wonder was shattered. Rey knew that the great big question mark was pointless because the only thing she could ever do to get this close was to fear him. And the only thing he could ever do to get this close was to control her. 

“Ben.” She repeated his name and he recoiled from Rey’s face. Soon after he was walking away, rejecting Bazine’s attempts to take his hand but not looking back either. 

Chapter Text

She couldn’t stand the coldness of his back facing her. 

Without Ben’s explosive anger to set her in motion, Rey was left with only her own rage. Which she converted into the sharpest weapon she had against him. Her attention... on someone else.

Her hand went for Sebastian’s, who was standing cluelessly next to her. The touch startled him, in a good way judging by the simpering look on his face. He exchanged glances with his brother, as if to say See, I told you . Emboldened, Rey tugged him towards her. “We should go down to the lake for the fireworks.” 

Sebastian didn’t answer but he put his arm around her. Rey waited for the tidal wave that was her adopted brother to come crashing into Sebastian, to suffocate him right there under the setting sun, but nothing happened. Finn and Rose nodded excitedly. Rhys stuffed a few soda cans into his pocket. It was all so… normal. 

Rey looked around for Ben and Bazine but they were gone. 

“Mrs. Soloooooo.” Rose’s sweet voice rang true over the music. “Is it alright if we go down to the lake?” 

Leia looked like she was about to say no--politely--but Amilyn placed a hand on her arm. “Of course.” She replied for her friend. “Be safe and come back before midnight.” 

It must have pained Leia and Han to act like they were reasonable parents. The two of them gave Rey a strained smile. She considered pushing the request while they were still in Amilyn’s grip. “I might sleep over at Rose’s so don’t wait up for me.” 

Rose--whose parents would never allow her to have a sleepover--gave Rey a shocked but impressed look. “Yeah,” she echoed, “yep. Totally.” 

All Rey needed was for Leia to mention to her son that Rey was going to be gone all night. Surely that would get his attention. Surely. 

They walked over to the lake, Rey leading the pack with Sebastian’s arm still around her. Some distant part of her remembered that things were unclear with Silas but that made it all the more exciting to be able to somehow command Sebastian. Is this how Ben felt whenever Rey had cleaved to his attention, to his rules? Had he gotten a thrill from it? The thought made her both sick with fury and sting with curiosity. 

When they got closer to the beaten path, voices and music grew into the near-darkness. Rey realized that there were bobbing figures in the water, and more dotted along the shoreline. The lakeside was packed . 

Among the first cluster of people they came across were some of her coworkers from the Ice Cream Shop, a couple, also rising seniors at Coruscant High. Though Rey had never interacted with them at school. 

“Hey, Rey!” Jannah called to her, arm around her girlfriend much like the way Sebastian was hanging off Rey’s shoulder. “What’s up?”

Rey smiled, wondering if there was some etiquette about being seen with another boy while Jannah and Kaydel knew that Silas liked her. “Hey.” 

“Oh my god ,” Rose grabbed Rey and whispered in her ear. “When did you make friends with fucking Jannah, are you kidding me? Senior year is going to be amaaaazing.” 

It was hard to make Rose this happy. “Yeah, absolutely.” Rey would have agreed to anything if it meant Rose would look at her like that. Like she had something to offer. 

“Want a drink?” Jannah started handing them beer bottles. Rey hadn’t drunk beer before, and she fiddled with the cap. 

“Here, let me.” Sebastian’s hand slid over hers, taking the bottle from her and opening it. 

His hands were smooth, but they were smaller than the hands in Rey’s dreams. She thought back to the house, wondering where Ben and Bazine were and if Leia had mentioned to Ben yet that Rey might be gone all night. Would he yell, make demands, punch the wall? Would Bazine leave him? 

“Cheers.” Sebastian’s voice brought her attention back. He clinked his own bottle against hers and watched her while she took a sip. 

“You have a sexy mouth.” He leaned in to whisper. 

“Bold of you to say to me.” Rey thought of what to do with his confession. What would Rose do? She licked her lips. 

“Well, I have to say it while I have the chance.” 

She made her voice a bit sleepy, quieter, so he would have to lean in closer. “What do you mean?” 

Sebastian’s voice mirrored hers. He looked triumphant, given the tilt of his grin. “While Ben isn’t here.”

Why did everyone bring up Ben when he wasn’t around? “You know I don’t belong to him, right?” She was breathless now, despite standing completely still. As if the words were a cliff and she had just agreed to throw herself off it. 

“Does he know that?” Sebastian laughed. “Because he certainly acts like he does. One time he broke Rhys’ nose for looking at you too long.” 

“What?” Rey remembered no such thing. She didn’t even spend enough time around Holdo’s sons before tonight to reliably recall their names. “That didn’t happen. When?”

He shrugged at her disbelief. “I don’t know, early high school? My mom picked him up to take us to Ben’s homecoming game and Rhys stared out the window at you. When we got to the school Ben dragged him out of the car and punched him.” 

The image of Rhys cowering on the ground, his face covered in blood while Ben stood above him, brought her back to the moment two years ago when he punched Poe in the face, too. The only way he seemed to acknowledge that they were siblings. “I don’t belong to anyone.” 

“That’s a shame.” Sebastian was right next to her ear now, the smell of beer wafting from his mouth. “Because I wouldn’t mind putting a collar on you.” 

She’d never heard anything like that before. Couldn’t understand what it meant. But the hunger in his eyes made Rey feel like she went too far with this new power. Walked right into something scarier than Ben. 

Using her beer bottle as a shield, she put it between herself and Sebastian, pushing him back. “You wish.” 

And then she left him standing by whatever tree they’d ended up against. Rose watched her leave but Rey didn’t acknowledge her. She needed to get some air to let the conversation that just happened dissipate. And besides, everyone around her had a tendency to keep bringing up Ben. 

The number of people had multiplied since they arrived. Rey saw some that she knew graduated with Ben, or even the year above him. The smell of weed reached her. Some groups had music going, but the voices were louder than anything else. 

One small section of earth that sloped against the lake was clear. Rey climbed over the littered beer bottles and towels and coolers to get to it. There was a clear view across the water to where the fireworks would come out any time now. A swell of crickets and occasional fireflies marked the late hour. 

If Rey had been adopted by any other family, she might have stood a chance at being herself. Or maybe it would have been worse. Maybe she would have had a different kind of surveillance at home. One that was more like her first foster family, the Plutts. 

Out of the corner of her eye, Rey saw the tall silhouette of Ben Solo leaning up against a tree, disinterestedly holding a beer. Bazine was a few feet away from him, laughing at a joke someone told her while they filled her cup up with something. Poison, perhaps, if Rey was lucky…

But what good would that do? Bazine could be erased from everything and still her mark would linger on Ben. That tenderness. 

No one would ever touch Rey like that--like she wasn’t either covered in thorns or only temporarily enticing. Sebastian, Poe, other stupid boys, even Ben. 

Rey waited for him to notice her. The moment he did, she waved him over. 

Surprisingly, he came. 

If she begged him to control her again, would he think she was crazy? Was she crazy for wanting that? You used to be afraid of your own shadow , Poe’s humour. Ben never laughed around her, nor she around him. In fact, Ben never did anything other than stare or yell or make demands. 

And now he was this New Ben. How many people had gotten to see this side of him? Rey wanted a piece of New Ben. 

“Is that a beer?” Ben pointed at her hand, which was obscured by the darkness around them. His voice was strained, as if he had practiced this moment before and was very close to failing. 

“I didn’t call you over here to interrogate me.” Her voice was clipped, dismissive. Maybe this was a bad idea. 

As if he sensed her second guessing, Ben cleared his throat and stepped in closer, blocking her from walking away. “I don’t want you drinking.” 

“I didn’t call you over here to make demands, either. We’re done with that, okay? I’m done with that.” Rey hissed. Anger quickly replaced all of her curiosity. It was easy to understand how Ben oscillated between rage and anything else. “Why don’t you go back to your girlfriend and tell her all about how much you wish you could control me?” 

She finished the rest of her beer and tossed the bottle into the litter next to them. 

He didn’t move. 

Rey tried to step around him but his chest collided with her attempts. She growled and pushed him, but it was like trying to dent iron. He stayed completely still. If only there was enough light outside to see his miserable face, probably sneering at her, laughing at her for thinking she could outmaneuver the magnet between them. 

But when he finally spoke, it was soft again. Like in her room when he tried to give her… what was it? Some stupid birthday present. “Rey. I…”

Sebastian spotted Rey in the dark and started waving his arms, walking up to them. He must not have noticed Ben at first. “ There you are. Rose said I scared you away but I knew she was just messing with me.”

Ben put a hand out and stopped Sebastian by the chest. He was shorter and smaller and flimsier than Ben, even years ago. 

“Stay away.” An order. 

Sebastian laughed it off. “Took you long enough.” He smoothed the front of his shirt where Ben had touched him. “I don’t think you make those calls anymore, Ben. Does he?” 

It took Rey a beat to realize Sebastian was talking to her. This was her chance to use the weapon.

An old wound resurfaced. The Rey Solo who wanted desperately to obey Ben, especially in front of others. She cracked. 

“It’s okay, Sebastian. I’ll come find you later.” 

Sebastian’s face was briefly illuminated by a trio of fireflies. Even still, his expression was unreadable. Silence. And then, “Rose wants you to come back.”

Well Rose can flip her hair and kiss boys and forget about them at the end of the night. Rey didn’t have that. All she had was this twisted dark thing. “I’ll be fine.” 

Finally, Sebastian relented, walking away.

“Don’t talk to him again.” Ben grunted. 

“Are you kidding me?” It felt like a betrayal. After what she just did for him… “If you’re going to be like that, just fuck off. I thought maybe you…” This was futile. “Nevermind.” 

“No.” He spoke quickly. “You thought what?” 

“You’re different.” With her. 

“You think that’s about her?” He knew, or maybe it was too obvious. “I don’t fucking--Rey. Rey.” The beer he was holding had disappeared at some point, because both of his hands were free as they came at her shoulders and then stopped short of contact. “Jesus fucking christ.” He groaned. “Why do you have to make this so difficult?”

“Make what difficult? Being a decent broth--.”

He clamped a hand over her mouth. She could taste the saltiness of his skin. “Don’t fucking call me that. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care. I don’t want to fucking hear. It. ” She squirmed. To keep her in his grip he put his other hand around her and backed them so close to the water’s edge that Rey was certain she’d fall over into the pitch black chill. 

“I don’t… want… you… to talk… to Poe… ever... Again.” Each word came through gritted teeth, but it wasn’t a threat as much as it was something very fragile. He sounded panicked. 

Rey pried his hand off her mouth. “It’s not going to be like that anymore! You don’t get to do that. You left .” You left me . 

“That’s what people do , Rey. Did you think I would just be around forever?” No more cheering, no more music, no more ambient chatter. The sounds around them were gone, swallowed up. 

He had slipped out of her hands. Or he let go of her. Whichever, it was too much, too fast, too little to hold on to now. What had he threatened her with before leaving? Don’t be a fucking slut next year . “Great. Then I’ll just go be a fucking slut . I’ll do whatever I want.” 

She slipped on a loose bit of dirt. He caught her. The night sky was the only thing keeping Ben from seeing her pitiful hunger for him. 

But it was his expression, too, that was concealed. Was he glaring at her?

“You’re mine.” His voice was quiet but not soft. Bazine’s Ben was gone. This was her Ben. “No one gets to have you. I get to have you.” 

If he was going to be this bold, she would call him on his bluff. “Then take it, or stop.” 

Before she could feel victorious, he kissed her. He kissed her with unyielding power, gripping her, dangling her over the edge. 

The sky lit up with fireworks, loud booms following. The sound must have startled Ben, or maybe it was someone calling his name, or maybe it was his own disgust at having lost their standoff, but he let go of her. 

And Rey fell right into the icy water. 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It took her clothes a while to dry off. She curled up against a rock and closed her eyes, aware of the sounds of others once more. 

Even if she could move without feeling the summer wind sting every part of her wet body, she would have stayed there. Too much had just happened. 

Wishing she had some liquor to forget, Rey sighed. 

Something warm was draped over her. She opened her eyes and saw a cell phone flashlight. 

“Poe?” Rey’s voice was hoarse. 

“No.” The silhouette said. Rey realized it wasn’t a cell phone flashlight but a regular one with a long black end. She’d seen flashlights like that in the movies… “But you’ll wish I was. Get up, kid.” 

The police officer grabbed her arm roughly and pulled her up. “We got another one!” He called out to someone else. No more groups, just clusters of high schoolers looking stressed in the glimpses of lights on them. Someone was rounding up the alcohol. Finn and Rose were nowhere to be found. 

“I’ll take this one.”

The officer released her to someone else. Rey kept her head down, wondering if the back of a cop car would smell. Or if Han and Leia would even wake up to come downstairs and let her in. Maybe Ben would drag her out of the backseat and tackle her to the ground like she’d done to him. 

Shame burned her cheeks as she thought of Ben, barely aware of her body as someone pushed her head inside a car. 

She was in the front seat. 

Glancing to the driver’s side, Rey saw a familiar face as the car lights turned on. 

“Luke?” She tested his name from memory. 

He tossed her a dry sweatshirt. “Buckle up.” 

The car started rolling away from the commotion. She pulled the sweatshirt over her chest, grateful for the warmth. They drove in silence for a while. 

“Am I being arrested?” 

Luke snorted. “Seems like the Solo children are desperate to be in cuffs.” 

Her stomach sank. “They won’t even pick up the phone if I call.” She remembered the the many scenes in her head from cop movies where criminals were granted a single phone call. 

Luke side-eyed her. After some silence, he replied. “You’re not being arrested.” 

“Oh.” Her anxiety deflated a bit. A strange sort of sadness replaced it. 

“Don’t look so disappointed,” Luke chuckled. “I’m giving you a very stern verbal warning.”

They turned into the neighborhood a few streets over from the Solo house. “Is this you being stern?” 

“You look like you’ve had a rough night already.” 

Her clothes were still wet under the sweatshirt. Ben’s hands were on her again, only imaginings. He let go of her. He let go. 

“How do you know Ben?” The conversation between Han and Luke when she first came to the Solo house resurfaced in her mind. 

Luke burst into laughter. 

Rey’s cheeks burned. Was the question that absurd? “Forget it…” 

“No, no no.” Luke slowed as he turned down her street. “It’s not that… It’s just… A strange question to be asked about my nephew.” 

Her eyes widened. She filed through every conversation she’d had with Leia about their extended family--only a handful of times had she brought them up. Leia’s father was a horrible man and it left a strain on their family. Rey was under the impression that there wasn’t any family. Just the Solos, an island of secrets and sadness and bad parenting. 

They pulled up in front of the house. All the lights were off except for Ben’s room at the end of the house. 

“So…” Her mouth was dry and her arms were covered in goosebumps. “Does that mean you’re uhh, my uncle, too?”

Luke nodded. 

“Um, wow.” Rey wasn’t sure where to look, or what to do with the sweatshirt she now awkwardly peeled off herself. 

He held out a hand and took it from her wordlessly. As she opened the door, he held something else out to her in exchange. A card. 

“If you ever need me.” 

She took it. Her pockets were too damp so she kept it in her hand. 

Halfway up the driveway she heard Luke call back out to her. “Hey!” She turned around. “They wouldn’t pick up if I called, either.” And with that, he drove off. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rey slept in purposefully, hoping that everyone in the house felt ignored by her. Not that they were a family that liked to eat breakfast together. But the idea of even one person asking “where’s Rey?” was enough. 

By 11am, she rolled over and checked her phone. A ton of notifications, most of them from Finn and Rose and one text from Silas. A song he’d sent her. She would listen to it later. 

No one was upstairs. Ben’s door was open and an empty draft was in the hallway. She showered leisurely, scrubbing away the events of last night. Her body ached. 

When she came downstairs an unexpected gathering met her. Leia, Han, Ben, and Bazine were all arranged around the dining room table like little puppets, a spread before them. Pancakes, orange juice, bacon, muffins. An absurd picture. Ben’s eyes bore into his half-eaten plate of food.

She had to stop herself from sneering. “Halloween is three months away.” 

“Don’t be rude.” Han retorted. 

“Don’t be fake and I won’t have to be rude.” 

Ben’s eyes flicked up at her momentarily. But as soon as it was there it was gone. 

“Do you want to join us for breakfast, Rey?” Bazine’s wholly uninvited self, inviting her to sit down. Rey didn’t hold back her sneer this time. “I’d rather go hungry.” 

And she would. Sitting downstairs with all of them, while it certainly made her angry, it also made her feel weird and sad. Hunger was easier to ignore. She turned to head back upstairs. 

“Wait.” Ben’s voice. “I’ll leave. You can sit and eat.” His chair scraped against the carpet. 

Confused, she turned back around but he was already gone. Everyone regarded her with different expressions. Han with distance. Leia with apprehension. And Bazine… with frustration. 

“Your brother is upset.” Han observed. Rey wondered how much effort it took for him to finally admit that Ben had feelings. “Go make things right.” 

Rey stared at Han. The same man who sat back and let his son terrorize her for years, who cleaned up the mess whenever Ben’s rage took the family down with him, who looked the other way every time Ben claimed her. Ben, who had kissed her last night. 

The request was even more absurd than the performance of a family.

She didn’t want to make anything right. She wanted to let go of Ben like he’d let go of her. 

“It’s okay.” Bazine stood from the table. “He gets like this. I’ll handle it.” 

Her authority on the matter was unnerving. She didn’t know anything about Ben. Rey cut her off from going up the stairs. “No. He doesn’t want you. He wants me.” Breezing past Bazine’s gaping mouth, Rey went upstairs as instructed. 

She pushed Ben’s door open and found him crumpled by his bedside, head in his hands. 

“What are you doing?” 

No answer. Rey closed the door behind her and walked towards him. He flinched at each of her steps, curling away further. “Get out of my room.” He murmured. 

The mistakes piled up between them. Her, thinking he had changed, wanting him to stay the same. Him, kissing her. Now he wanted to shoo her away but she wouldn’t let him. Not while Bazine sat downstairs, hands folded in her lap, thinking she was the answer. 

“No.” She kept walking until her knee bumped his shoulder. Ben recoiled from the contact, clambering onto his bed and hiding his face. “No.” She repeated. “Ben. Stop it. Look at me .” 

“I don’t want to.” He spat. “I don’t want to ever see your face again.” 

The words hurt more than she expected. Her eyes welled up. “Liar.” Her voice shook. She desperately tried to channel rage, which had served Ben well for so many years that maybe it could serve her too, but none came. Just more burning. “You can’t have it both ways.” 

At this he finally looked at her. His eyes were sleepless, hollow, and covetous. For her. 

She climbed onto the bed and reached for that face--the face that could take shape in her dreams or her nightmares, and he didn’t stop her. He was warm. Pushing his chest, she slid herself between his arms, and then kept going until his back was against the headboard and her thighs were sliding onto his hips. His breath had stilled. 

“Rey…” His voice cracked. This was not Old Ben, or New Ben. His hand found her bottom lip. She saw him strain to stop himself from grabbing, pulling, biting, anything that might have disturbed her movements. 

“Don’t.” She spoke to his restraint. He remained tense. “Last night…” she whispered the realization as it occurred to her, “... was my first kiss.”

The confession did something to him. His eyes were incomprehensible but his hands--his hands were all over her. Under her shirt. On the small of her back. Grazing the sides of her breasts. A moan slipped out. It fueled his frantic touches. He brought his lips to hers but did not kiss. His hips were thrusting up against her and she had to hold on to the pillars of the headboard to keep from sliding off his lap. 

He flipped her over, burying his head in her chest. Pushing her shirt up. Still, refusing to place his lips anywhere on her. She moaned again, a demanding sound, trying to will his kisses. 

The door flung open to his room. Ben moved so quickly she almost thought the entire thing had been a hallucination. She was left breathless on his rumpled sheets. Bazine stood in the doorway, a hand over her mouth. 

“Ben, oh my god.” She wailed. “Ben, you…” Turning to Rey, she looked her over. “Are you hurt? I’m so sorry. He’s… he’s working on his anger.” 

“What?” The blood rushing to her head was like a waterfall in her ears, barely making sense of Bazine’s words. 

Ben’s face was colorless as he stared at his girlfriend, comprehending something Rey didn’t. Bazine continued with her franticness. “Ben, you have to… to say sorry. Say sorry.” She couldn’t look at him. 

Finally it registered. Bazine had mistaken them on the bed for something else. Did she really think Ben would attack her? Intending to defend him, and maybe even attack Bazine herself, Rey slid off the bed and opened her mouth to speak, but Ben beat her to it. 

“Sorry.” His jaw was like iron, snapping shut, and he left the room without another word. 

For a second time, Rey was stranded in his room with Bazine, shattered and reeling and full of indiscriminate rage.

Chapter Text

It took exactly three hours to drive to Ben’s dorm room and back.

Han and Leia were discussing the merits of this roundtrip while Rey listened on, sitting on the kitchen counter and slicing an apple in her hand. They didn’t know she was in the room next to them eavesdropping. Or, if they did know, they made no recognition of her presence. 

A not uncommon thing in the Solo household.

“He’s got all this extra stuff laying around the house.” Leia’s voice was softer when she was alone with her husband. 

Rey would have thought she had less patience when the two of them were alone, but maybe there really was some love between them deep down inside. Maybe even enough love that Leia continued to imagine that Han would ‘come around’ one day. 

Rey vowed never to love anyone like that. 

She chewed on the apple insides, leaving the skin untouched. Still listening in. 

“We’re so close. Only another year. Could be time to start putting out feelers.” Han’s voice was muffled, like his face was curtained by his wife’s hair. 

“Han.” More softness. Rey thought of flinging the knife in her hand right at the closed door separating her and them. “Promise me this time you’ll stop. This will be different.” 

Rey stopped eating her apple, craning her neck. 

“I’ll take care of it.” 

She nicked her finger on the blade as it ran into the apple core. “Ow!” Blood trickled out. There was some shuffling from the next room and then Leia opened the door. 

“I didn’t know you were in here.” She frowned. 

Rey sucked on her wound. Leia’s eyes traveled Rey’s appearance. Rey held her gaze, as if daring Leia to express disapproval. What would that do? They knew Rey would continue to dress however she wanted. Leave the house whenever. Come home whenever. 

After all, it had been like that for the past four months. 

Only another year of dealing with her, which is what she knew Han meant.

“It’s going to be cold tonight.” It was all Leia could muster. 

Rey ran a hand across her bare stomach, shrugging. She hopped off the counter. Questions populated in her mind, none of which she knew would get an honest answer. But pushing them was fun nowadays. “So you’re throwing out Ben’s stuff?” 

Leia flinched. Ben’s name elicited that kind of response nowadays. On the 4th of July, he and Han got into a blowout fight and it had been like that ever since…

Han stopped Ben in the foyer. “What’s going on?” 

Ben shrugged him off at first, but Han persisted. Bazine tried to lead her towards her room but Rey wanted to watch the altercation unfold. Some part of her buzzed with the possibility that Ben might admit to Han what had just happened between them. Some sick gesture of romance, to declare Rey as his own. 

“Ben.” Han blocked the door. “What’s going on?” 

He erupted, shoving his father against the wall. “Stop! Stop fucking acting!” 

Leia was in the hallway now, too, reaching a fruitless hand out for her son. She might as well have been a wall ornament for all the acknowledgement he gave her. Ben’s eyes were fixed on Han. 

“You think I don’t know what this whole fake family breakfast is about? You can’t hide your shit from me, Dad .” He spat. 

“It’s not fake.” Han was firm. “We’re trying something new.” 

Ben laughed. It was a cruel, miserable sound. “New, yeah. Does it have anything to do with Luke?” 

Han went silent. 

“I know he’s poking around.” 

They rarely talked about Han’s job in this house. It was something that took a lot of his time and focus -- a focal point of tension in many arguments between Ben and Han in the years Rey lived here but never explicitly talked about. 

“Rey.” Han noticed her leaning over the railing, eyes wide as flares. 

Bazine scrambled to excuse Rey’s prying. As if her mere presence needed to be explained away. “We were just…” She trailed off, probably looking to Ben for support. 

“Tell him.” Rey blurted out. She gripped the pillars of the stair railing. 

Ben looked up at her, some mix of pleading and relief in his face. They were both about to be set free. All he had to do was say it. 

But to Rey’s surprise, someone spoke before Ben could. 

It was Bazine, her voice strangely icy for all the times she’d been so gentle with Rey. “I stopped Ben from hurting her. He was going to hurt her, badly.” 

Ben’s face shifted to anger, and Rey felt the swell as if there was a tether between them. But she couldn’t tug on it, couldn’t get his attention. She could only watch as he spilled out. 

“That’s not—!” He started shouting, but Han grabbed him by the front of his shirt and dragged him outside. Rey couldn’t hear what Han was saying so she sprung to her feet and ran down the stairs, chasing after them. 

When she came out onto the lawn, Ben was wrenching Han’s hands from his chest. But Han was putting up a fight. 

“We’ve looked the other way so many times!” He shouted. From the outside, it was easy to assume Han was standing up for Rey, but she knew better. Something else was upsetting him. “We’ve let you have your fun, work out whatever it is. Whatever your fucking issue is.” He overpowered Ben, pushing him down onto his knees. “Bazine is a nice girl. You have a chance at something. Don’t fuck it up.” 

Rey’s heart sank into the grass. And now she knew what the “whatever” was. What the real problem was. 

It was her. 

Leia cleared her throat. “Please don’t eavesdrop on our conversations.” 

“Whatever.” Rey tossed the apple core into the sink, not caring when it made a loud noise that seemed to bother Leia. “I’m going out tonight. Don’t wait up.” She walked out of the kitchen. A very small part of her wondered if Leia would follow, if she would ask more questions, but there was nothing. 

Rey went upstairs and packed an overnight bag, deciding that she wouldn’t come back tonight. Silas had been asking her when they would finally have sex for a few weeks now and since no one in the Solo household cared about her, and Ben had all but disappeared, tonight seemed like as good a night as any. 

———————————————————————

Silas was waiting in the parking lot of the high school for her, his legs hanging out the side of his car as music drifted from his dashboard. The weather was still wrapped in summer’s leftovers, and the breeze was generous to his hair. He looked objectively hot. Rey knew this. When she started dating him a couple of weeks after Ben and Bazine went back to Europe or wherever the fuck they went off to, even Rose had made a comment about how hot Silas was. Everything was about being hot to Rose nowadays. That, and college. 

But Rey tuned out the college stuff. She had nothing to offer there. But as far as hot boyfriends…

“Rey.” Silas always smiled when he said her name. A sleepy smile. Nothing like the intensity of Ben, or even the whimsicalness of Poe. Poe. He’d been trying to get in contact with her for a while but she ignored his texts. Surely he had so many questions for her, surely he’d heard rumours about Ben and Bazine and he’d want to know if she was okay. 

Silas pointed to her bag. “What’s that?” 

Rey shrugged. “Change of clothes, toothbrush, deodorant.” 

“Are you running away?” He laughed. “About time.” 

“If you count staying overnight at my boyfriend’s house as running away.” 

His eyes widened. “Are you sure? I mean, of course I want you to. This is just unexpected. Last time we talked you said you weren’t even sure.” 

“Well, a lot has changed.” Rey smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. 

Silas accepted it anyway and smiled back, walking around the side of the car to open the passenger door for her. 

---------------------------------------------------

They got to Silas’ apartment earlier than expected. Rey had been there a handful of times, but it was never more than a few hours of sitting on the floor and watching movies together, holding hands, sometimes she let Silas kiss her neck but she was skittish about anything else. He didn’t mind until one day he asked her about sex. And that seemed like a normal next step to Rey. No one had explained this stuff to her and she remembered hearing rumours about Ben having sex with his girlfriends in high school so that obviously was the point of relationships, eventually. 

And since no one cared what happened to Rey, why would she make a fuss? 

All of her wonderings about what she would become after high school--after the ice cream shop, after Rose and Finn went to college, after Ben got married to some nice girl and Han and Leia shipped her stuff off somewhere like they did with Ben’s--all her curiosity about it was squashed now. The only person trying to remind her of those things was Poe. 

Speaking of Poe, her phone vibrated. 

She took it out and saw his name flashing on the screen. Silas glanced over at the same time. 

“I don’t like how often he calls you.” Silas frowned.

“Then you’ll love how often I pick up.” Rey rolled her eyes, putting the phone in her pocket. 

Silas opened his fridge and took out two beers. “You want to get a head start?” 

They were going to a party tonight. Someone who was friends with Jannah’s girlfriend’s older brother. Jannah and Silas were close friends from high school.

Rey considered the beer. It would be nice to feel nothing by the time they arrived at the party. She knew Kaydel’s older brother was in Ben’s grade, though they didn’t attend the same high school. Kaydel’s family lived one town over, where Holdo and her boys lived. 

“Sure.” Rey took the beer and nursed it steadily as she watched Silas go in and out of the apartment, packing up the car with blankets and more beer and a change of clothes. There was apparently a pool and a backyard with a nice look at the stars. 

“I can’t wait to get you under the lights.” Silas grinned, coming back inside from the final trip. “It’s actually…. What’s the word….” He plucked the beer out of her hand and grabbed her waist, lifting her onto his lap. His hands slid across her bare stomach. Some part of her felt startled but it didn’t reach her body. It just sat inside her. 

“Romantic.” He breathed into her neck. 

She wasn’t sure what to say. Or even sure why Silas felt the need to decorate the evening with cute things when it was all heading towards the same place anyway. 

Her phone buzzed again. Expecting it to be Poe, Silas took it out of her pocket. 

“Oh.” He smiled. “It’s your friend.” 

Finn’s name flashed on the screen. 

He was the only person Rey had been speaking to, besides Silas. After the 4th of July, Rose went back to talking about college all the time. And Finn didn’t have the heart to do more than offer to lie and say that Rey couldn’t come to things. She’d expected Rose to call her, seek her out in some way, corner her as she was good at doing and demand to know why they hadn’t been hanging out. But when school started that never happened. In fact, whenever Rey saw Rose in the hallway she looked happier, freer, more relaxed. Like college was that important and talking about it all the time was that important and now that she didn’t have to be mindful of Rey things were easier. 

Finn tried to deny it, but he was bad at lying. 

“Yeah?” Rey picked up. 

“Hi. I miss you. What are you doing?”

“I’m with Silas.” She slid off his lap and went out into the hallway of the apartment building. “We’re going to a party later.” 

“Oh boy.” Finn laughed nervously. “A party, huh? Austin’s party?” 

“How did you know?” Finn didn’t run in any overlapping circles with Jannah or Kaydel. 

“Rhys invited me.”

Holdo’s boys. “Right. They know Austin.” Rey hesitated. “Are you gonna go?” 

“I didn’t tell Rose.” 

Rey sighed, feeling relieved. Rose would have a lot to say if she knew Rey and Finn had been invited to a party that she hadn’t. 

“She wouldn’t have wanted to come, anyways. She’s getting froyo with some of the girls from AP Calc.” 

“I understood only half of those words. And I cared about even less.” 

“Don’t be mean, Rey.” 

Silence. 

“Are you gonna go?” Rey repeated her question, not sure what she wanted the answer to be. She missed Finn, but being around him was hard. Being around anyone who knew her was hard right now. 

“Do you want me to?”

It was bait. She looked at the door to Silas’ apartment and thought about how she was going to lose her virginity tonight. How she was going to do everything she could to forget Rey Solo before that happened. 

“No.” She hung up the phone before he could reply. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Silas put on music. The drive over was unfamiliar, neighborhoods Rey had never seen before. She lost herself counting the number of manicured lawns and two car garages. 

“... you know?” 

Rey nodded, not bothering to ask Silas what he was talking about. It didn’t matter. None of it mattered. She pulled at the frayed ends of her shorts, watching the cross-stitch reveal itself. In the days after Ben and Bazine hastily left, Rey waited for Ben to come back. Or for him to call her. Or for him to call Han and tell him he was wrong about her. But his absence said all she needed to know. 

And now she was unraveling, revealing the weakness underneath, so easily punctured by any suggestion. Sex, beer, parties. But it wasn’t submission. It couldn’t be submission because there was no fight in her. There was only numbness. 

Silas pulled into a driveway already full of other cars. Most of them high end. 

“So Austin’s rich.” 

Silas smirked. “He has a movie theater in his house.” 

“I know where to throw up later.” Rey rolled her eyes. 

They got out of the car and Silas started unloading the beers. A group of men came up to him and said hello. He neglected to introduce her but she didn’t mind. Instead, she wandered up to the house and started taking stock of the different people there. A few she recognized from coming into the Ice Cream Shop over the summer. Mostly people she’d never seen before. 

Someone walked up to her excitedly and then stopped when they got close. “Oh, sorry, thought you were someone else.” He laughed, holding out the extra drink he was carrying. “Want this?” 

She accepted it and shrugged.

“Wow, you’re trusting.” 

Swiping his cup and mixing the two liquids, she handed it back to him. “Now if it’s drugged, we both go down.” 

The look of shock that greeted her made Rey wonder if she’d done something right. Rich people liked to be bullied. Maybe it was the only time they felt something.

“What’s your name?” 

She took a drink. “Rey.” 

“Oh-ho-ho-ho… Shit.” He grinned. “I’ve heard about you. You dumped a house plant on my boy last year.” He gestured off to the side, where a cluster of people hovered around a keg. 

The cup crinkled against Rey’s grip. “Does he want me to do it again?” She imagined the rumours that had spread. I’ve heard about you . Rey was unaccustomed to being noticed but she’d gotten tons of practice listening to rumours about other people. Rose seemed to always have some to share. 

“Just don’t let him see you and no house plants will have to be harmed tonight.”

Rey placed the drink down calmly and took her shorts off, leaving her in the braless crop top Leia had made a comment about earlier and tiny cotton black underwear. She walked over to the pool, which bordered the keg, and climbed onto the diving board. Anyone in the backyard would have noticed her. And she relished in that fact, jumping straight into the pool, hoping the splash would ruin the gasps she heard on the way down. 

When she came back up, there was shouting and laughter. Blurry movements coming from the keg. Someone shouting ‘ who the fuck invited her? ’She pulled herself out of the pool. 

“I’m guessing you want these back.” The boy she’d been talking to tossed her shorts over. 

“I’m guessing you have more rumours to spread.” She flashed him a smile and walked away, abandoning her drink. 

----------------------------------------------------------------

She found Silas in the kitchen. 

He rushed over to her, noticing her lack of pants. “What the fuck happened? Are you okay? Why are you soaking wet?” 

Rey pointed to the giant bowl Silas had been mixing. “Is that a cocktail?” 

He smiled uncomfortably. “If you answer my questions I’ll tell you.” 

She pushed past him and made herself a cup of whatever it was--some amorphous blend of orange and pink with little lemon slices floating around like forgotten flowers in the bottom of a lake. 

“Hey.” Silas spun her to face him. 

“I went in the pool.” She replied and took a sip. “It was wet. Now I’m wet.” 

“Oooookay.” He pointed to her shorts. “Are you gonna put those back on?” 

“When I’m dry, yes.” 

They never argued. They never had anything worth arguing about. Rey mostly went along with what Silas wanted to do, and Silas assumed she wanted to do it. “You’re feisty tonight.” He laughed. “I like that.” 

She swayed a bit and held the cup to her lips, watching Silas like he might explode into a fantastic light show. Or maybe she was the show and he was the audience. She wanted a different audience tonight, but he was never coming back. He would never again stop another boy from talking to her, from touching her. He would never again drag someone out of the car and break their nose for looking at her. 

And maybe that was a good thing. But it still left Rey feeling tetherless. 

“You’re so hot.” Silas was whispering in her ear now. “I can’t wait for later tonight.” 

Rey smiled at him and kept drinking. He went back to mixing the punch and once she was sure his eyes were clear of her movements, she walked off. 

The next room was more crowded than the kitchen. Jannah and Kaydel were sitting on the arm of a couch together, snuggled up and sharing a cup of something blue. Jannah noticed her first. 

“Rey!” She waved. “I’m glad you made it.” 

“I heard there was an indoor movie theater so obviously I had to come.” 

Kaydel snorted. “I am perfectly okay with stealing Austin’s shit once he’s too drunk to notice.” She looked up at her girlfriend coyly. “And fucking all over that movie theater. Rey, you’re welcome to watch.” 

Jannah playfully smacked Kaydel’s arm. “You can’t make those offers without consulting me first!” 

Rey watched the two of them and wondered if they ever felt alone while they were together. “When did you two start having sex?” She blurted out. 

Jannah looked surprised but Kaydel didn’t miss a beat. “When it felt right. What about you and Silas?” 

Rey looked down at her cup, feeling embarrassed for asking so abruptly. Jannah and Kaydel were always nice to her…

“You haven’t.” Kaydel guessed. And the look on Rey’s face must have given away the rest. “And you’re going to tonight.”

Unable to think of a lie in time, Rey gave in, nodding. 

“Yeah, I mean that makes sense. You’ve been together for a few months.” Kaydel smiled. “He’s hot, and I happen to know he’s great at sex so you’ll definitely have fun.”

“Right. And how do you know that?” Jannah chuckled. 

“I’ve been known to enjoy dicks. They’re not bad, if you know what to do with one.” 

Rey’s drink was done now. She wasn’t sure what to do with the empty cup and started looking around for a surface to abandon it on. An intense and sudden nausea set in and Rey thought this would be a great time to go find the bathroom. 

“Hey, hey .” Kaydel’s soft tone surprised Rey. “Sorry if that made you feel uncomfortable. I just thought you were chill. You and Poe had like a friends-with-benefits thing going for a while, right?”

The question reminded Rey of Rose. She snapped back. “I never had sex with Poe. That’s a fucking rumour. Of which there are apparently a lot about me.” 

Kaydel stood and put her cup down. “I’m sorry. Gin makes me an asshole sometimes.” She offered her hand. “Do you want to go fill up your drink together? I promise I won’t bring up sex.” She giggled. 

“I…” Rey wasn’t sure how to explain that she didn’t want to run into Silas in the kitchen. Kaydel’s intuition was a force to be reckoned with, for she seemed to once again understand by the mere look on Rey’s face. She picked up Rey’s cup and held a finger to her lips. “I’ll be right back.” 

Jannah put her arm around Rey and offered her some of the blue drink they’d been sipping on. Rey shook her head. 

“It tastes like shit anyway. I only drink it for her.” Jannah laughed. 

The room had gotten more crowded and someone was holding out their cell phone, filming the cluster. Rey finally noticed the faint music playing. Jannah started dancing. She tugged Rey away from the couch. “You look like you need to unwind.” 

But that wasn’t the problem. She was unwound. She was uncalibrated. Pointless without the one thing that had been holding her together since that day she showed up on the Solo’s doorstep. 

And yet the music was tempting. She started moving her body, a small smile flickering across her face. The phone passed over them and Jannah pressed her body up against Rey, tossing her head back. Rey let herself laugh and do the same. An audience was an audience. 

Kaydel came back with a full cup. “You’re fucking angelic.” She stared at her girlfriend, handing Rey her drink absently. “Come with me.” The two of them disappeared into the crowd and Rey deflated instantly. The smile vanished. She drank, and drank, and drank. The room got more crowded. Eventually she wandered away from the bodies in search of a wall to steady herself against. 

The wall she found was in a small hallway that led to a set of closed doors. Rey slid down onto the floor and tossed her empty cup onto the nice carpet beneath her. Some time passed, she wasn’t sure if it was hours or minutes. No one came down the hall. Something was buzzing in her pocket. She remembered what a phone was and took it out gingerly, almost dropping it. 

Without checking to see who it was, she answered. “What?” 

“Jesus fuck , Rey. You’re trashed.” It was Finn. 

“That’s what people do at parties.”

“Is Silas with you?” 

Silas. She laughed derisively. “No.” 

“What about Jannah?” 

As she was about to answer, a thought struck her. “How do you know I was with Jannah?” 

A guilty silence followed. 

“Finn?”

“Have you checked instagram yet?” 

“I’m not instagram. You know that.”

“Someone posted a video of you and Jannah at the party.” 

“So?” Rey’s head started hurting. She wanted to get off the phone. The conversation was going nowhere, anyways. 

“Rose saw the video.” 

And was she supposed to feel guilty? The same Rose who hadn’t bothered to find out why Rey was ‘always sick’? The same Rose who ate froyo with girls smarter than Rey, prettier than Rey, more popular than Rey? 

“I get it.” Rey blew into the phone. “You want me to give a fuck. You want me to call her and say sorry or some shit. Well, I won’t. I won’t call her.” 

More guilty silence. 

“Have you talked to anyone in the last hour?” 

“Probably not.” Rey grunted, shifting positions. “Why?” 

She heard tapping, and then her phone buzzed. “Look at what I just sent you.” 

“I don’t really care about whatever this is.” She groaned. 

“Just look . And don’t hang up.” 

“Fine.” She clicked on the linked instagram post. It opened up in her web browser and she saw a screen grab of her and Jannah dancing, smiling, looking normal or whatever. She scanned the comments, and one of them stood out because she recognized the username. Roseofthevalley.

wow this is the same girl who called the cops on a party last year lol

Rey scrambled to her feet. “What the fuck !” She screamed into the phone. 

“I know. It’s fucked up I know but please Rey just leave the party. Go home. Right now. Please. For me. Please.” 

She shoved the phone into her pocket and walked towards the nearest sounds. Her ears were ringing. Every inch of her skin felt like it had been doused in kerosene and she was holding the match. She told Rose and Finn that in confidence and now the entire school would know, every person at this party would have more fuel for the rumours about her. Except this one was true. 

Her mind went back to that party. To the wobbly, disappearing feeling of that night. To the way that boy leaned in and whispered into her ear I can make you forget all about him . 

Forget about Ben. 

Well now Ben had forgotten about her. And he would probably never look back at the stupid little sister he never wanted. The desire he never wanted. The desire that everyone probably knew about all these years but never said anything because, like Han said, Ben had a chance at something good as long as he refused to act on it. 

She passed by groups of people who were whispering and pointing at her. Jannah and Kaydel were nowhere to be seen, and neither was Silas. Rey’s feet propelled her to the backyard, to the last place she saw that stupid fucking asshole standing outside, around the keg with all of his friends. 

He was still there .

When he spotted her, he started shouting and pointing at her. “There you fucking are! Do you know how much fucking shit you caused? I’m going to fucking ruin your life, you stupid fucking slut !”

It was all noise. She barreled towards him, grabbing the front of his shirt and slamming him down onto the tile that outlined the pool. Her fists were pummeling him. Blood gushed everywhere. Ben could forget about her all he wanted but he could never undo what had already happened. The countless times she’d absorbed his anger, his frustration, his denial. And now she would summon him, audience or not. In every punch she would summon him and he would never be able to deny where she learned how to destroy so much in such a short amount of time. 

She couldn’t distinguish between the screams and the squelch of her fists hitting flesh. Hands found her shoulders but she resisted as hard as she could. Still, they pulled her off. It was Silas and Jannah. Their faces stricken and sweating from the exertion of holding her in place. 

“You need to leave right now .” Silas hissed. “Now.” 

For the first time, she didn’t have to hide a part of herself to listen to him. She hurried away from the forming crowds of people and hopped the fence into the adjacent backyard, taking off into a run towards the street. 

But she didn’t know the area. All houses with trimmed grass and evenly paved driveways. Everything looked the same. She ran and ran and ran. She wiped the blood off her hands onto her shorts. There was too much of it. It clung to her fingernails. 

Blue and red lights emerged. She dove into a nearby bush and waited, breathing heavily, trying to remember anything about what direction she’d run. Rose’s comment on the instagram post popped up in her mind and she was full of rage again. The police lights were taunting her. All she wanted to do was scream and scream and scream until there was nothing left of her. 

Arms lifted her out of the bush and handcuffed her. 

“Don’t fight.” Someone grunted. Her rage began slipping like sand through a net. The consequences replaced it, much heavier and unable to pass through anything. Only weigh on her, crush her with what was likely to come. 

They pushed her into the back of the police car and stayed silent for the drive. She didn’t say anything either. Instead she tried to scrape the blood out from under her fingernails. 

When the car finally stopped, she looked out the window and saw that they were downtown at the police station. They kept her handcuffed as they took her inside. 

“ID?” One of the cops came over to her, rifling through her pockets and taking whatever he found, which was just her phone. He also found a card but didn’t deem it important so he left it. 

“I don’t have it on me.” 

“How old are you?”
 

“17.” 

He sighed. “You get one phone call, and I suggest your parents.” 

Her handcuffs were removed briefly, and she was led to a payphone. The cop stayed within earshot. Rey tried to think of the house phone number, but her mind was blank. Not that she thought Leia or Han would come to pick her up. No one would come. 

“Get on with it.” The cop barked at her and she jumped. 

“Okay, okay .” She panicked. An idea came to her and she dug into her pockets, hoping she wasn’t wrong. 

Dialing the number, she fidgeted and kept glancing over at the cop still watching her. 

“Who is this?” He sounded sleepy. 

“Hi. Sorry. You said I could call if I ever needed anything.” 

“Rey?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Well, what do you need from me?” 

“I need you to bail me out.” 

Luke sighed. “Pick-you-up-from-a-lame-adult-party bail you out or I’ve-been-arrested bail you out?” 

“Two more minutes!” The cop snarled at her. 

“Ah. I see. Well, can’t say I’m not entirely surprised to get this kind of call from a Solo kid.” 

The comparison instantly made her regret calling him. “Are you gonna help me or not?” Part of her hoped he would just hang up. Forget her. That seemed easier than begging. 

The cop placed his finger on the receiver, hanging up the call. “Time’s up.” He took out the handcuffs and put them back on roughly, escorting her to what looked like a holding cell. No one else was around. 

She leaned her head against the grimy wall, her mind oscillating back and forth between where she was and the empty hallway she’d been sitting in, not unlike how she was now, back at Austin’s house. 

As soon as she got her phone back, she would block Rose from everything. She would erase her from memory, carefully extracting every laugh, every moment of joy, every time Rose had shown her a different way to look at things. It was all lies. Rey had probably just been someone to pass the time with until Rose made real friends. Friends who were going to college . Friends she could be seen with. And now that she had no need for Rey, she also had no need for the loyalty between them. She fed Rey to the dogs. 

“Hey.” A cop banged on the bars to get her attention. “You’re lucky you know Detective Skywalker. He’s here to get you.” 

Rey stood up and walked out of the cell after he opened it, holding out her hands. 

He reluctantly removed the cuffs. “You won’t always be this lucky. You Solo kids are so used to special treatment. One day Luke can’t bail you out and you’ll be forced to realize that there are consequences to your actions.”

Was everyone in the entire fucking world going to compare her to Ben? “I’m nothing like him.”

“I don’t really care what you think.” The cop grabbed her roughly by the arm and dragged her out into a dim and damp hallway. She was handed a bag with her phone in it. Luke appeared, his face in need of a shave and a long night’s rest. He nodded at the cop and Rey was finally released. 

“Thanks.” She mumbled to Luke. He didn’t make eye contact with her until they got outside. 

“So… What happened?” He sounded strangely casual. She tried to open the passenger door but the car was locked. 

“Can you?” She gestured towards it. 

Luke shook his head, staring at her. “Not until you tell me what happened.” 

“It’s not a big deal.” 

“There’s blood on your hands.” 

“Judging from the way things work in there, there’s blood on your hands too.” She turned her back to him and leaned against the car, folding her arms across her chest. 

“Did I bail you out so you could insult my job?” 

“I don’t know. Why did you bail me out? If all you’re going to do is judge me you may as well have left me in there with your miserable co-workers. They seem to hate the Solo family more than enough, I don’t need extra from you.” 

“I’m not judging you. I’m asking reasonable questions.” 

“So am I.” 

“Rey.” His frustration reminded her of Leia’s tight-lipped disapprovals. 

“If you don’t want to give me a ride, I’ll just walk home.”

“Fine, get in.” The car door clicked. Rey climbed inside and set her chin against the window, refusing to look at him. Luke was in no rush to start up conversation again, so they stayed like that until he pulled into the Solo’s driveway. All the lights in the house were off and Han’s car was gone. They must have used the opportunity of Rey’s absence to go out and do something fun. Just the two of them. The actual Solos. 

She got out of the car and walked up the driveway. Luke didn’t stop her, didn’t call out from the car, didn’t do anything except linger in the driveway until she was inside. 

It had been a long time since she’d been alone in the house. 

She went to the bathroom and scrubbed her hands, leaving her skin burning and raw by the time she was done. Then she soaked her clothes in the sink and watched the blood come off in tiny pink swirls. After she drained the water enough times for it to run clear, she put the clothes in the washer and put on pajamas. She remembered that she had a leftover joint in her room that Silas had given her a week ago, and set out to find her lighter. 

It wasn’t in her room, or in the bathroom, or in any jacket pockets either. So she moved to the kitchen and started rummaging through drawers. 

One of the drawers had a smooth white envelope in it with her name written on the front in penmanship she instantly recognized. Ben’s sloppy, overwrought cursive. It was stamped and dated on July 20th. 

Her heartbeat climbed like a spider going up its web. She gripped the envelope. No one told her about it. No one alerted her of its arrival. And the drawer it was kept in was only frequented by Han. He kept his tools in there, screwdrivers and spare lug nuts and the like. 

She slammed the drawer shut and ran up to her room. Her fingers shook as she brushed over the envelope a few times. He had written to her. Like it was the 1800s. 

The possibilities came in a headrush. A confession. A rejection. An admonition. A window into the future or a door slamming shut. She shook from the anticipation and started tearing the letter open. 

Something heavy thudded against her window. She dropped the letter. 

Another thud. And then thumping, banging. Was someone breaking in? She grabbed for the closest thing that could be used as a weapon--a hairbrush--and held it out in front of her as the noises got louder. 

Poe’s face was in the window, flush and frustrated and desperate as he gestured for her to open it. 

She lifted it up and helped him inside. 

“What the hell are you doing?” 

He brushed himself off, smoothing his hair back and catching his breath quickly for someone who had just scaled the side of a house. “Checking to make sure you’re okay.” As if he were stating the obvious. “I saw Rose’s comment on the instagram. And all the stories. There was a lot of blood.” He chuckled, his foot stepping on the letter. 

Rey yelped and dove for it, pushing him aside. The letter had a dirty boot print on it now, but it was otherwise unscathed. 

Poe gave her a weird look but said nothing about it. Instead, he picked up the joint on her dresser and pulled out a lighter. “I’ll accept this as an apology for ignoring me. For months.” 

“You ignored me for months before, too.” Her reply was icy. She wanted Poe to leave so she could read the letter. 

He lit the joint and took a slow drag. “Fair. Anyway.” He relaxed a breath, smoke crowding around him. “How are you handling it?” 

“Handling what ? You coming over uninvited? Rose betraying me? There’s a lot to choose from.” 

“Oh, no. None of that stuff.” He took another drag. “I meant the Ben and Bazine stuff.”

Her hands stopped on the top of the letter where she’d torn it open. “What Ben and Bazine stuff?” 

“They moved in together.” Poe frowned. “I thought you knew. You didn’t know?”

Where her heartbeat had climbed earlier it now plummeted, like that very same spider had been swatted off its web, unable to regain footing before crashing into the ground where someone would step on it.

“Wow, ok.” Poe snuffed out the joint, waving the smoke away between them. “I assumed you heard from Leia or Han or even Ben directly. I didn’t realize… I’m sorry.” 

“When?” 

“When what?” 

“When did they move in together?” 

Poe scratched his beard--which was new since the last time she saw him--and shrugged. “August 1st, I think.”

There was her answer: an admonition. A full on rejection. A seal goodbye. She crumpled the letter in her hands and grabbed Poe’s lighter. The corner of the envelope took to the flame quickly, and pretty soon the entire letter had burned up in her hand, the last little bit of it singing her fingers. 

“Was that important?” Poe stared at her, mouth agape. 

Rey’s jaw was clamped so tightly shut it took all of her remaining energy to open it long enough to mutter, “No.” 

It wasn’t just what Han wanted for his son. It was what Ben wanted, too. 

Chapter Text

“You’ve gotta be gentle with it.” 

Silas pressed his back against Rey, hands steadying the sides of her hips. She could smell the coffee on his breath from earlier. Once she was in place, he reached his hands out to support her knuckles. 

“Grip… Slow, slow , okay. Now, rev it a little bit.” 

She pulled back on the throttle and the bike skipped forward. It was heavy beneath her but she liked the danger already. If it fell, she would go with it wherever it tumbled. Into a lake, into a ditch, into the sky. That had become a familiar feeling now and she relished in the intimacy of giving in. 

A second time she pulled on the clutch, and the motorcycle took off down the sidewalk and veered into the grass. Silas shouted something but she wasn’t paying attention. He yanked the brake lever and the motorcycle locked up a bit, skidding to a halt. 

“What’s so funny?” He sounded out of breath. “You could have gotten hurt.” 

Rey quieted her laughter a bit and shrugged. “I think the grass will forgive us.” 

No response from Silas. He had grown more uneasy around her lately, but Rey knew how to quell his concerns. She leaned back against him and let her head fall onto his shoulder. “So did you get this bike to impress me?” 

“If I wanted to impress you, I should have chosen sky-diving.” Silas snorted. “You’ve barely looked at me all week.” 

He was starting up with this again. Rey groaned, shimmying further into his chest. “Honestly I think you’re just stressed. We’re fine, everything’s fine.” 

She’d been feeding him that lie for a month now. As they closed in on mid-November, the weather was cold enough for a jacket. Rey didn’t wear one. Silas rubbed the sides of her arms to generate warmth. 

“Are you finally going to introduce me to your family?” he asked softly. 

This was new. They joked about it before, how Silas might fare amidst the dysfunctional Solo household, but that was all it ever was to Rey. A joke. Sometimes Silas made comments about how neglectful they were towards her, how he wanted to give them a piece of his mind, but Rey thought that was par for the course. Nothing meaningful, just chatter. Han and Leia had known for years about what was festering between their children and they didn’t do anything, so why would Silas? No one ever stepped in. Not her “parents”, not the school system, not even Luke, who clearly knew enough to deduce that the tumultuous waters of the Solo household were wild enough to drown her. They all just left her to sink, or swim, or both. 

“Now why would I put you through that?” Rey squinted up at the sky, noting the absence of clouds. The sun was hiding as well. Just an empty canvas, a mirror reflecting back nothing. 

“Because it’s Thanksgiving in a few weeks and Thanksgiving is for family.” 

Rey pulled his hands off her arms and folded them across her stomach. “Maybe in normal families, but not in mine. Thanksgiving is more like a poorly rehearsed play.” She squeezed his knuckles, noticing that they had grown red from the cold. “I planned on getting high and sleeping through all of it anyway.” 

Silas stayed quiet. He caught a couple of her fingers before she could pull away. 

“What if you came over to my parents’ house?” 

“To get high?” Rey laughed. 

“No. To spend Thanksgiving. They’re super into it, actually. They do the whole thing. It’s weird and capitalist, don’t get me wrong, but the kitchen smells nice. And they’ll let you drink wine.” 

She didn’t know how to tell him that there was no chance. Of him meeting her family, of her meeting his, of them having sex, of any of the things he’d been holding out for. Everything had changed after Austin’s party, not just between them but with Rey herself. She felt like she was chasing something that couldn’t be caught. And Silas wanted her to slow down. 

“Come on.” He spoke firmly. “I need to know that you’re in this with me.” 

“Is this the only way you’ll believe me?” 

“Yes.” He put the kickstand out and dismounted, leaving Rey to absorb the shift in weight. She stumbled but he caught her with a tight grip. “Tell me you’ll come to my family’s house for Thanksgiving. I want to introduce them to my girlfriend.” 

When she looked away he followed her gaze. There was no sidewalk anymore. No empty sky. Just Silas and his intent stare. As she’d grown accustomed to, her mouth offered him a smile but it stayed there, like an anchor, and she nodded. 

“Of course.” 

---------------------------------------------------------

Finn called her that night. He’d been flashing his room lights on and off, which Rey could clearly see from her window, but she’d ignored him. But the phone buzzed and buzzed so she relented. 

“What is it, Finn?” He’d been hanging out with Rose again, and while Rey didn’t have it in her to ask him to choose sides, she also didn’t have it in her to understand why he was able to forgive so easily. 

“Is that any way to talk to your most esteemed friend?” He faked offense. 

Part of her wanted to laugh. Finn made it so easy to forget to be mad at him, but the unspoken things between them kept a tight leash on her frustration. It would feel nice for a second but then it would hurt. A thousand times worse than it already hurt right now. 

“What do you want?” She spoke quietly. 

A long sigh on the other end of the phone. And then, “I was hoping you would want to come over. Sneak out of your window, like old times. Run across the lawn. I’ll even unplug the house phones so my parents can’t tattle on you.” 

“Come over and do what?” She was weary of some sort of intervention. It seemed Finn’s speed, to mend fences. But there was nothing to mend between her and Rose. 

“Drink, do drugs, like really heavy drugs, watch bad movies, draw penises on the wall,” he rattled off, “give Rose a chance to explain herself. All that fun stuff.”

Rey gripped the phone. “Explain what, exactly? Why she purposely tried to harm me? Did she think everyone at the party would just laugh along politely and let me leave after they found out?” 

“No--”

“Then what? Explain why she thinks college is more important than anything in the world and how I just need to understand where she’s coming from?” 

“ No , Rey--”

“Then WHAT?”

“REY, she wants to APOLOGIZE.” 

The word halted her. At first she thought Finn was intentionally messing with her, but the longer he stayed silent on the other end the more ashamed she felt. Was that possible? Did people… do that? No one had ever done that after hurting her. 

Unsure of how to respond, she said a meager, “Oh.” 

Would it matter? Was there an apology that could erase the pain Rose had caused? 

No. But maybe Rey wasn’t the only one in pain. She thought of Ben--someone she generally suppressed out of her mind at all costs these days--but it was hard to right now. She thought of how his pain had caused her pain. 

“Ten minutes. And then I’m coming right back.” She hung up before she could change her mind. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

Rey waited by the patio door, hands stuffed into her pajama pockets to protect from the blistering wind. Nights were much colder and rainy and windy. She regretted not putting on actual shoes, feeling the aftereffects on her slippers of the wet grass she traversed. 

Finn let her in quickly, already looking uneasy. He pointed to a pair of clean slippers and she silently removed her own and put them on. Finn’s parents probably cared about things like tracking mud in the house, or if Finn had eaten dinner, or if Finn was happy. Maybe that was why he liked to mend fences so much. 

Bringing her upstairs to his room, Finn put a hand on her shoulder before they walked in. 

Rose was slumped on the edge of the bed, remnants of tears crowding her eyes in streaks of mascara. Rey was surprised to find her like this. All of her anticipation was replaced by something far more uncomfortable. 

“Um.” Rey stood there. “Hi. Are you okay?” It just came out. Not asking seemed cruel. 

“No.” Rose sniffled. Finn gave her a look that Rey couldn’t interpret, but Rose ignored him. “Are you going to beat me up?”

“What?” Well this was off to a bad start. “Why would you think that?”

“Because you’re a psycho.” Rose replied bitterly. 

Rey turned to Finn, now understanding the look, and narrowed her eyes. “She wants to apologize, huh?” 

“Apologize? Yes. I’m waiting.” Rose folded her arms across her chest, hands full of used tissues. 

“Waiting? Why are you waiting?” 

“Well I can’t very well make you, now can I.” 

Rey deadpanned. “You think I came here to apologize to you .” 

Rose blinked. “Obviously. Why else would I agree to be in your presence after what you’ve done?” 

“After what I --”

“Ooookay, okay.” Finn stepped between the two of them, smiling nervously. “So you’re both confused. Understandably. I had to, um, take some liberties in order to get you both in the same room.” 

“You mean she doesn’t want to say sorry?” Rose sounded on the verge of a sob. 

“You couldn’t give me a million dollars to apologize to you, Rose. What would I even apologize for ?” Rey scoffed. 

“ For everything !” Rose managed to shout while still whispering. Finn’s parents must have been home, asleep in their beds, thinking that Finn was doing his homework or something instead of sabotaging his friends. “You think you’re better than us but you’re not even going to college.” She huffed. “You’re going to stay in this miserable town forever.” 

Unlike the night of Austin’s party, the rage Rey felt was quiet, somber. Like the afterspill of a volcano. Gliding along, covering everything, hardening it. “So that’s what this is about? You really think going to college is a way out of this town?” The very first party she’d gone to with Finn and Rose, Poe had said something similar to her. That seemed like another lifetime ago. “I don’t need you to be my friend.” 

Rose burst into tears. 

Rey turned to Finn, certain that if she didn’t leave right now she would join Rose. She would find herself leaking like a broken faucet and once it started it might never stop. “Ten minutes are up.” 

She left the way she came, clutching her wet slippers in her hands and letting the grass soak the bottoms of her feet. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------

“Babe, come here.” 

Silas waved Rey down from two rows over. He was holding an emerald green dress. It had a modest bust and hem but it was form-fitting. “This would be perfect. My mom loves green.” 

Rey bared her teeth. “I’m not sure…” The idea of wearing something to catch the attention of Silas’ mother made her palms sweat. She tried to picture what kind of person she was, but all she could summon was a more sad, more sullen looking version of Leia. 

“It’s going to be so much fun, you’ll see.” He put the dress back on the rack and kissed her forehead. The gesture reminded her of something but she couldn’t quite place her finger on it. Something buried deep. 

“Can I just wait outside?” She shuffled in place, feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of options in the store. 

“Sure. I’ll get the dress and come out. Trust me .” He gave her hand an encouraging squeeze but she felt anything but encouraged. 

When she stepped outside, it was raining. 

The plaza was packed, which was unsurprising for a Saturday afternoon, especially since it was the weekend before Thanksgiving. So many soccer moms buying last minute floral arrangements and centerpieces for their picturesque table spreads. So many children running around and smearing their brown sugar coated fingers on things, dropping donut leftovers while their parents looked the other way and made small talk with each other about corn mazes. This was a world even more unfamiliar to Rey than the quiet suburbs that bordered Coruscant. But it seemed like a world Silas knew well. A world he wanted her to be a part of. 

He came up behind her, announcing himself with a kiss on her cheek. “Want some?” He pointed at the apple cider donut stand, which was cranking open its umbrella. 

“No thanks.” She felt along her arms, which were covered in goosebumps. 

“Still refusing to wear a jacket.” Silas shook his head with a little chuckle, as if it were something cute about her. Something she forgot to do, perhaps because he thought she was so caught up with other things. 

How could she tell him that she liked the cold? That she didn’t know what it was like to be in need of something and then give it to yourself?

“I’m going to pick some up for them.” He nodded at the cart. Rey knew he was referring to his family. “I’ll meet you at the bike. You can even take it for a little spin around the parking lot.” He gave her the keys. 

Something purred in her chest. She took the keys and headed out into the rain, scoping the rows of cars. When she was sure Silas was no longer watching her walk towards the bike, she broke into a small run. Her entire body was buzzing at the prospect of riding the bike alone . She’d been waiting for this chance since the day he drove up in it to pick her up from school. All the things he taught her about safe riding slipped out of her mind, replaced by a desperate need to feel wind in her face. 

Mounting the bike, she wrapped her hand around the clutch and breathed, hesitating. So much of her life had been fighting against the tides of other people. Lines drawn in the sand that she could not cross. 

Her wrist twisted too much. That was all it took, she remembered Silas saying, the smallest overshoot and the bike could crash. She didn’t want it to crash, but once she felt the jolt beneath her and her hand reached for the brake too fast, it was too late. 

The force hurled her forward off the bike and right onto the asphalt. Her elbows burned and her arm cracked beneath the weight of her body as it absorbed her fall. Everything was blurry. The bike was somewhere… pieces of it, anyway… she rolled over onto her back and looked up at the sky, wondering if she was breathing or if her body had simply given up. 

Someone was shouting her name, no doubt Silas, and Rey decided that she must still be breathing. And she was glad of it. She was glad of it. 

---------------------------------------------------------

The emergency department was full of people, not unlike the plaza. This must have been a popular time of the year to get hurt. Rey smiled sleepily at Silas. He refused to let her close her eyes the entire ambulance ride over, and he was still monitoring her. Something about a concussion. It was hard to focus on the pain and his concern. Especially when the latter felt unbearable. 

The doctor walked in, eyeing Silas. “So, you’re the one who let her get on the bike unsupervised?” 

That word didn’t feel right to Rey, but she had no energy to protest. The two men carried on. 

“It was a huge mistake. I’ll never let it happen again.” 

“Good.” The doctor nodded. “X-ray came back. It’s clean but likely a sprain. She’ll need to be extra careful.”

“I’ll make sure of it.” 

Rey wanted to say something but all that came out was a moan. The doctor looked at her and then went right back to Silas. 

“Who does she live with? I need to provide aftercare instructions to the household.” 

“Me.” Rey heard Silas reply confidently. Now she really wanted to say something. That was a lie. He couldn’t make such promises. No one would take care of her and he knew it. 

“Here’s a prescription for the pain. She’ll probably need it for a few days, but after that Tylenol should be enough. Elevate the wrist. Nothing strenuous for two weeks. Wash the cuts on her elbow daily. Should be all set.”

I’m not a child , she wanted to say. I’m not a stranger to pain . 

But the doctor left without acknowledging her. And Silas simply cozied up to the bed, placing his arm delicately on her chest, just below her neck. 

“Everything’s gonna be okay.” He cooed. 

She looked at him as though he had three heads. He knew she would get in trouble with Han and Leia. He knew she would be barred from seeing him again for who knows how long. “The doctor’s gone.” She croaked, meaning to ask him why he continued to play pretend, but Silas only smiled. 

“But I’m here. I’m here.” 

-----------------------------------------------

They had to take a taxi back to Silas’ apartment. He helped her with everything and it only made Rey increasingly distressed. But she tried to remain calm. Maybe if he thought she was okay, he would give her a ride home. 

“I’m sorry about your bike. I can pay for the damage. It might take me a while, but I can pay you back.” She lingered in his doorway while he searched for the right key to let them in. 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Rey. I’m not making you pay for anything. It’s just a bike. I can get another bike.” 

She watched him find the right key and let them inside. His apartment was messy but it was always fully stocked. She never saw him hesitate to buy things. He didn’t really talk about what he did for money. And he knew his way around the fancier neighborhoods. 

Rey began to realize that she knew far less about Silas than she thought. And he seemed okay with that. 

“I’ll get the couch ready for you.” 

“Actually, can you just drive me home?” 

He stopped cleaning off the couch and gave her an incredulous look. “You want me to take you home ?” 

“Yeah. All my stuff is there. I want to lay in my own bed.” It was a strange feeling to have to convince someone of something that seemed, despite the fraught nature of her home, very much her right to do so if she wanted to.

“They won’t give a shit, Rey. They won’t care for you. You need someone who can care for you right now.” 

She supposed it made sense. It didn’t feel good, but maybe that was because Silas was pointing out a truth to her that she lived with every day, and it was embarrassing to hear another person acknowledge it.  

“Okay.” 

----------------------------------------------------------

The medication was stronger than she expected. Two days passed without much recognition of time. Silas was kind. Rey felt ashamed for how irritating she found his doting. When he left her alone for periods of time, she found that her pain was more manageable. Less to focus on. 

On the morning of the third day, there was a gentle knock on the door. 

“Delivery.” Silas assumed, and he went to open it. 

Standing there in his Detective uniform was Luke Skywalker. 

“Are you Silas Amalfi?” 

“Yes.” Silas swallowed. “What’s this about?”

Luke looked over his shoulder and spotted Rey. She offered him a meager wave. 

“I’m here looking for Rey Solo. Her parents reported her missing.” 

Silas sighed. “Come in.”

The last time Rey had seen Luke, he had so many judgments for her. She imagined that had only doubled since then. She braced herself for a lecture. 

“Are you going to tell me what happened?” He was looking directly at Rey. Even the doctor in the emergency room hadn’t asked her that question. 

Silas tried to answer, but Luke held up a hand. “If I want your answer, I’ll ask you. And if you feel like testing me, I’d like to remind you that technically you’re a kidnapper. So choose your words wisely.” 

This quieted Silas instantly, and he shrunk back, giving Rey some privacy to reply. 

“I made an oopsie.” She was in a mocking mood. Luke’s nose flared. He pointed to the wrap on her wrist. 

“What kind of oopsie ?”

“The kind that isn’t your business.” 

“Do you want me to arrest your boyfriend? Is that what you want?” Luke pinched the bridge of his nose, breathing out. 

“He didn’t do anything. I was the one on the bike.” 

“So there’s a bike involved? That’s a start.” 

“I let her ride my motorcycle without me there. I thought it would be okay but clearly I messed up.” 

“That you did, son. Why didn’t you bring her home after?” 

Silas scoffed. “You mean back to the world’s most neglectful people? They would have just locked her in her room for two weeks and called it parenting.” 

Luke’s eyebrows shot up. It probably wasn’t a great feeling to hear that about one’s sister, but Rey knew Luke couldn’t deny it. She stared at him with as much judgment as she could muster, enough to pre-emptively rival whatever attempt he might make to do so. 

“Alright. You have a point. But you still can’t make that call.” 

“He didn’t. I did.” Rey lied. 

“Look, I didn’t come here to argue with you. You’re my niece. I was worried, you know.” 

She didn’t believe him for one second. “You don’t even know me.” 

He pressed his lips together, as if measuring himself before he said too much. “I didn’t want it to be that way. I always wanted to be in your and Ben’s lives.” 

“Don’t say his name in front of me.” 

Luke frowned. “Rey. I know things have been strained but he’s your brother. He’s your family. He loves you.” 

“Stop it.” She could feel the rage coming in like a lightning strike. 

“You can’t deny that he’s your family. Family sticks together.”

“STOP!” She sat up from the couch, uncaring about where her wrist was or how still to keep it or any of the asinine list of things she had to surveil herself with. Luke’s words were like hot coals on her tongue, under her skin, burning up every cell of her body. They were a curse spreading across the entire stretch of her being. And the only thing she cared about was making them go away. “You don’t know anything about me or Ben or what we are to each other!”

The wording was weird and she instantly knew it because both Silas and Luke looked uncomfortable. Why couldn’t everyone just let her forget about Ben? Why did they have to impose comparisons, reminders, permanent things that only served to underscore those lines drawn in the sand that she had no choice in? 

Ben himself had already done that. 

“You can’t stay here forever.” Luke gave her a pitiful look. 

“Okay. You made your point. Can you just go?” 

He lingered for a minute, as if he thought she might change her mind, but Rey’s stubbornness could outpace any attempt at guilt-tripping when it came to the Solo household. She would not feel bad for leaving Han and Leia out of something when that’s all they did to her. 

“If you’re not home by Thanksgiving, I’m coming back with a squad car.” 

Once he left the apartment, Silas came over to guide her back to the couch but she refused him. 

“Can’t believe that guy is your uncle. Seems like a dick.” He muttered. 

“I’m tired.” She announced, hoping he would get the hint and leave her alone. Which he did, but only after more fussing about pillow placements and medication and blankets. If this is what it was like to be loved, Rey could think of nothing worse. She would rather be alone than this. She would rather exist in the few memories she had of Ben’s touch, of his smell, even when he was hovering over her, shouting, demanding, closing in on her. This felt way more stifling than anything Ben ever did. 

So much energy had been exerted towards forgetting him. The cardinal rule--the very last one--he left behind. And now that the dam had been broken, Rey realized that she never stopped thinking about him. She never stopped wanting him, and she never would. 

-------------------------------------------

The next morning Rey was woken by vicious pounding on the door. She put a pillow over her head, trying to drown out the noise, but it was unrelenting. 

Luke had given them until Thanksgiving, which was tomorrow . What fucking business did he have coming early and being so aggressive about it? She fumed, slowly getting to her feet to answer the door. Taking her sweet time. 

Silas came out of the bathroom, having just finished showering. He was barely dressed, only in a t-shirt and boxers. He rushed over to the door, shouting, “okay, okay , you said we had until--”

When he opened the door, a blur of jet black hair and broad shoulders tore through the room, grabbing Silas and lifting him into the air by his shirt, pushing his back against the fridge. It rattled from the impact.

“I’m going to end you , you little fucking shit.”

Ben Solo stood at his full height, breathing raggedly like a wild animal, knuckles white against Silas’ shirt as it started to rip at the seams. 

“I’m going to make you regret ever even breathing in her presence. You’ll never get the opportunity to hurt her again.” He slammed Silas into the fridge and it shook a second time, almost toppling over. 

Something soared through the air and hit Ben in the arm, pulling his focus. It was one of the countless stupid pillows Silas had stocked the couch with. Rey was on the other end of its trajectory, fists balled up and face almost as red as Ben’s. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” 

The momentary distraction was all Silas needed and he took it, sucker punching Ben right in the jaw. His head coiled back for a moment and Rey, now breathless, was ready to jump in the fray. 

But Ben absorbed the hit and turned back to face Silas, clenching his jaw. “Now you’re dead.” When Ben put his entire body into something, Rey was convinced that even a semi-truck couldn’t stop him. She watched him wield his entire power to toss Silas onto the ground and pummel him. 

For a split second she floated outside of her own body, and the room materialized elsewhere. Instead of watching Ben, she was watching herself railing into the boy at Austin’s party, blood gushing everywhere. The punches summoning Ben. But unlike that moment, when all she felt was rage, her gut twisted with horror and disgust and fear. Unsafe. She felt unsafe. Now, and then, and at all times. It wouldn’t make her any more safe--the added violence. It would just draw more violence towards her. And she didn’t want that. For herself or for Ben. 

She lunged towards him and pulled at his back, her injured wrist in the mix. “Stop, please, Ben stop.” Her voice was choked up, though she felt anything but unsure. This was the right thing to do. He needed to remember. “Ben. I’m here. I’m here.” Silas had said those words to her days ago but they meant nothing. They meant nothing because there was nothing between them. But with Ben, these words meant the world. 

“I’m here.” She sobbed, and finally he let go of Silas. 

Ben slumped back and Rey struggled to hold him up. Silas scrambled to his feet, blood pouring from his nose. He ran into the bathroom. There was an eerie still now. Everything was quiet for a few minutes, just Ben’s breathing and the faucet turning on and off. 

Finally Silas came back out into the living room, his face a mixture of betrayal and anger. 

“If you don’t want me to press charges, you’ll leave now. And even then, I might press charges anyway.” 

“Do whatever the fuck you want.” Ben mumbled. He reached behind him and Rey instinctively took his hand. As though he just realized she was there, he winced. She stepped away from him. Her mind reeling from what just happened. Maybe she hadn’t been the one to break him out of his spell. Maybe he didn’t even notice she was there. 

“Let’s go.” His voice cracked, and he made no attempt to look at her, only walk out of the apartment to presumably wait in the hallway. 

“You’re not actually going with him, are you?” Silas blocked her path. 

“Tomorrow it’ll be Luke, and he’ll bring cops.” 

“Great. Let them come. Easier to file a police report against your brother.” 

Rey went silent. Luke had bailed her out after the party but Ben was legally considered an adult, and clearly he’d bailed out Ben many times before. What if he couldn’t do anything this time? 

“Is that really what you want to do?” It was a genuine question, but Silas seemed offended by it. “Sorry.” Rey looked down. To her surprise, Silas took her hands into his. Her wrist stung from the contact--he seemed to have forgotten about her injury. “I want to do whatever I can to help you get away from these people. I can take care of you. I know what’s best for you.” 

He kissed her forehead. It pinged the same distant memory last time he did that. But this time Rey recalled exactly what it was. 

The night before Ben left for college, she dreamed that he came inside her room and kissed her on the forehead. It was so absurd, so unlikely, that she wrote it off almost minutes after waking up. Her mind cleared out like a fog, that held so many things in its grip, finally dissipating. Like a curse lifting. 

It wasn’t a dream. 

“Right now I need to go home and be with my family.” A sentence she thought she’d never utter. 

It worked. Silas nodded reluctantly. “I can be patient.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------

Ben was waiting out in the hallway for her, his eyes glazed over. 

She approached him slowly, unsure of how to proceed. There was too much to say. 

“My car is around the back.” He was curt. Avoiding her face. 

At first she accepted his distance. Welcomed it, even. It was easier to process everything that had just happened with the silence between them. When they got to the car and Ben opened the door for her, she grazed past his chest. An opportunity for direct eye contact. She took it. 

He wasn’t fast enough looking away. His eyes were rimmed red and swollen, like Silas had gotten in a few punches. But Rey knew he didn’t. 

“What’s going on with you?” 

Ben cleared his throat and looked away. “Just get in. Please.” 

The angry boy she watched turn into an angry man, who never asked for things, who only took, was now asking her for something. And the shock of their exchange was enough to make her sit in the car and stay quiet the entire way back to their home. 

--------------------------------------------------------------

When they pulled into the driveway, Han and Leia were already outside. Luke’s car was parked on the street. He was huddled with the Solos, all of their eyes fixed on Ben’s car as he parked. 

She went to open her own door with the injured wrist and found that Ben was reaching his hand across her lap to steady her. “Wait, I’ll get it.” 

There he was, back to taking things. Something about this felt different, though. He was acknowledging her. 

As soon as she had the thought, a melancholy set in. How pathetic was it that she expected so little, that a tiny gesture of humanity rated so high? It was easy to write off Ben’s cruelty when she thought it was about suppressing his desire. But now? He lived with Bazine. He chose Bazine. The only reason he would have to be cruel now is for cruelty’s sake. Being marginally decent was not the opposite of that.

By the time he came around to open the door, she was decidedly upset with him. Not just for how shrouded he was--how shrouded he had been since the 4th of July--but for his inability to admit to himself that it took its toll. 

“Rey.” Leia said her name with strange tenderness. “We’ve been so worried about you.” 

“No you haven’t.” 

The words surprisingly came from Ben’s mouth, not hers. 

“Ben.” Han fired a warning. 

“What? Everyone here knows it’s a lie.” He was standing next to her now. The lawn felt like a miles long desert of empty exchanges. Han and Leia wanted to water the arid ground and call it a harvest. They always wanted to do the least and act like it would suffice. 

“I’m going upstairs.” Rey declared. Luke gave his sister a hard look, and she turned away from Rey. Han followed suit. So she headed inside. 

Ben followed close behind. 

He followed her all the way upstairs and lingered in the doorway while she hovered over the bathroom sink, gently splashing water on the healing cuts all over her elbow. Ben flinched, as if he were watching some disgusting body horror, but he didn’t look away. 

“You’re making me feel gross.” She complained. 

“Sorry.” He massaged his jaw, still not looking away. 

Once she was done in the bathroom, he followed her into her bedroom. 

“Is there something you want to say?” The pain in her wrist was back in full force, finally registering all the movement of the last hour or so. She held it gingerly to her chest. Ben made the tiniest lunge towards her but he quickly stiffened again. 

He grunted, looking down at his shoes which he’d forgotten to take off when they came inside. “Sorry.” 

“You already said that.” She pointed out. 

“I know.” He struggled to keep the edge out of his voice. Now Rey was genuinely confused. 

“Tell me what’s going on with you or leave.” 

Finally Ben looked at her of his own accord. “I wasn’t supposed to do that.” It sounded like a confession, but much was missing. As if it had been edited out in his head before passing through his lips. 

“Say more.” 

“I wasn’t supposed to hit him. I’m sorry.” 

That was the last thing she expected him to be referring to. Part of her hoped it was about his abandonment of her for all those months, or even the stupid letter he sent. That he might have been relinquishing the stopper he put between them. 

“Tell him that, not me.” She turned her back to him, pressure building behind her eyes. 

“It was you.” He mumbled, and Rey could sense his body moving closer to hers. But there was no sound. Her eardrums were pulsing, covering up anything but his voice. It could have been a whisper in the middle of a stampede and it would still be all she heard. “You stopped me.” 

“Great. I don’t care.” She choked back the tears--treacherous things--and began fussing with the pile of clothes that had been left on her bed. Clearly no one had been in her room since she was gone. She wanted to make her wrist feel pain so she grabbed at things and rearranged them. 

Ben’s hands stopped her, pulling the clothes away and gently hovering over the injury. “Please.” He whispered. 

Anything he wanted from her, he could have. Yet he chose to ask for only this. Her eyes matched his and now the redness made sense. Guilt, shame, fear. Unsafe. He felt unsafe. And she couldn’t make that go away any more than he could make it go away for her. How they arrived here stopped mattering. Who caused what, whose pain begat whose, all those lines drawn in the sand that they’d tripped over anyways. And suffered for it. The only thing left between them was the electric charge that kept sparking back up. It was a damning, disrespectful, beautiful thing. 

He was in the doorway now, as if Rey blinked and lost him. 

“Wait. I remember.” She grasped for words that might make him stay, might make him give in. “You kissed me on the forehead the night you left for college.”

It was hardly the most forbidden thing that had happened between them, but it was the most intimate. He couldn’t deny that it took tenderness to do that, not just desire. He couldn’t discard tenderness so easily. 

“That was a mistake.” He croaked. “This whole thing is a huge mistake.”

I don’t ever want to see your face again . His words from the 4th of July. I hate that you’re my sister . His words from her prom night a year ago. He would never stop renouncing her. He couldn’t break the cycle. 

She had to be the one to do it. But it wasn’t in her to refuse him tonight. Not after everything that had happened. 

“Then ask for forgiveness.” 

He closed her door and kept his eyes locked on hers, their hue as dark as she’d ever seen them. Whatever pain coursing through her was replaced by a hastening swell, a rogue wave that had nowhere to go but directly between them. His outstretched hand found the back of her head and his lips touched hers lightly, as if testing the sanctity of hell. This was nothing like her first kiss. That was rough and demanding. A kiss of denial. 

This was a kiss of confirmation.

Chapter Text

“Thank you for coming by, Miss Solo. We’ll call you if we need anything.” 

Rey pulled her jacket closed and nodded, weary of the eyes that were watching her. The cops were always in a bad mood when she came around, eyeballing everything she did. As if she might suddenly Do Crime right in front of them. That’s probably how they would prefer these visits to go. Luke could call it “just conversations” as much as he wanted, but every time he pulled out that tape recorder Rey knew that this was about catching things. The cops seemed to enjoy the instant gratification of snarling in people’s faces, while Luke was tasked with the slow burn. The weeks and weeks and weeks of questions, ranging from pointless to invasive. All in pursuit of the chase. 

She kept her gaze downward, a rehearsed avoidance of running into Ben and Bazine as they, too, said their goodbyes at the front desk. Rey had learned what the price was for chasing something that she could never catch up to. 

The cops were so nice to Bazine. They must have thought of her as some innocent young woman who got swept up in all this. 

Clenching her fists, she hurried outside before the thought could linger. 

She stepped out onto the snowy street and waved. Poe’s car U-turned and pulled up to the sidewalk. She could barely see through the window from all the fog. 

“You should really get your defrost checked.” She knocked some of the snow off her boots. 

“And you should do that before you get in the car.” He pouted. 

Rey wiped down the window, watching the Police Station disappear in the side view mirror as they drove further down the road. 

Poe put on some music and they stayed silent until Silas’ apartment complex came into view. 

“Are you sure you want to do this?” 

They’d been over this already. 

She got out of the car without answering him, and trudged through the snow towards the door. Stopping to knock the snow off her shoes, she sneaked a look at the car to see if Poe was watching her. He waved his hands and pointed at the offending pile of snow. But there was a smile in there, too. His smile was a nice reprieve amidst the things she could no longer recognize in her life. 

Her boots tracked wet footprints onto the carpeted hallway. As she waited for Silas to open the door, her hands slid over the hinges, which hadn’t been fixed since Ben was here. He’d bent them when he banged on the door. Silas said his landlord would take care of it, but he hadn’t put in the request yet as far as Rey knew. He hadn’t done a lot of things that he’d been meaning to do. 

He was standing in the doorway with stubble and hair matted to his forehead. 

“Did I wake you up?”

“More like I never went to sleep.” He laughed awkwardly. 

“I just came by to ask if you wanted--” 

“Silas, babe.” Someone called from inside the apartment. “We don’t have milk.” 

Silas cinched the door closed and stepped out into the hallway. “Sorry about that.” He mumbled. 

“Here.” Rey held out a bag of clothes--a few t-shirts of his that she’d kept after spending those days at his apartment a few months ago. If he took the bag, she could leave without having to look him in the face. No one would have to explain anything. Rey was neck-deep in explanations as it was and one more was short of torture. 

“I didn’t know you were coming by today.” 

She started walking away. He followed her down the hallway, barefoot, barely missing the spots where her shoes had soaked the carpet. 

“Can you please just let me explain? Rey? Rey ?”

What was there to explain? “That’s not how a break works.” She pointed behind him, but there wasn’t enough energy in her to be indignant. Good for Silas. Good for anyone who escaped the radioactive cloud that followed her everywhere she went. 

“Are you mad?”

Luke had asked her the same question not but a few hours ago. Her answer had been different then, harder to form without implicating herself in the process. But this was easier than closing a door. “No.” 

Whether that was true or not didn’t matter. People leave in stages. She’d learned that now, and if Silas needed to be comforted through that, he could turn to whoever he had inside his apartment.

“I’ll call you.” He offered meekly. 

She made her way back to Poe’s car, which had de-fogged a bit, and she tapped her shoes before getting in this time. 

“You’re learning.” He grinned. 

------------------------------------------------

Poe dropped her off to an empty house. Leia and Han were likely out somewhere and Ben and Bazine always went straight back to their apartment after the sessions were over. 

It was hard to be truthful in those interviews, with Ben and Bazine sitting directly across her the whole time. Luke insisted on speaking to “the kids” together. Why Bazine was considered one of them, Rey didn’t know. She wasn’t subtle about her dislike for Bazine. Maybe Luke thought he could get something to bubble to the surface if he put pressure on Rey. 

But he wouldn’t get her to admit anything she hadn’t already buried inside herself by now.

Luke brought up Han’s job a few weeks ago in the interviews, starting with Ben. He asked about how often Ben would visit Han’s job as a young child. Rey didn’t realize he had ever visited him at all, but that wasn’t surprising considering how little she knew about anything that transpired in the Solo household before she showed up on their doorstep. Ben was vicious in his replies, turning the conversation on Luke’s absence as an Uncle rather than giving any outright answers. Bazine comforted him pathetically, squeezing and squeezing at his shoulder until it may as well have fallen off. Once, Rey tried to catch his gaze and offer something --whatever it was she might have left to offer him--but he returned an icy stare that reminded her of how they ended up like this again. Lines drawn in the sand…

He didn’t let go of her head, even after pulling away from the kiss. A small bruise had formed on his chin. 

She brought her fingers to it, feathering its outline. Silas was just the latest fissure between them. It wasn’t that long ago that Ben had made Poe’s nose bleed for a much smaller offense. 

“I’m trying.” He murmured. 

Words she could have dissected a million different ways and still found more questions. She didn’t believe him, and yet, “Took you long enough.”  

He flinched, beginning to lower his hand. “I’m never going to be how you want me to be.” 

What exactly did he think she wanted from him? A brother? A lover? A normal family? None of those would be enough anymore. She held up her injured wrist. “This isn’t about you.” 

“Yes it is.” Finally a crack in his stone expression. “That’s why you’re dating Silas.”

When he said it like that, it sounded childish. “Fuck you.” She shoved him. 

He rolled his shoulder back, leaving her injured hand to miss. She tried again and he dodged. Again. Dodge. 

Before she could try a fourth time he grabbed her opposite shoulder and spun her around, pulling her into his chest. “You’re going to make it worse.” 

“I don’t care!” She squirmed against him. He cupped the back of her knees and lifted her up, bringing her over to the bed. His grip was steady as he subdued her. When she tried to spring back up, he climbed on top of her and pinned down her uninjured wrist. 

“Stubborn.” He grunted. 

She sought out chances to touch him even if it was violent. There was nothing tender in that. If her rebellion was about him, then his refusal was about her. 

“You don’t want me.” 

He growled, shoving her wrist down. His aggression couldn’t stop her anymore. She would make him say it. 

“You don’t want me.” 

His entire weight was leveraged on her now. But he wouldn’t punch her senseless like he’d done to Silas. 

“You don’t want me!” She didn’t care how loud she shouted it. 

“Rey,” he hissed her name, covering her mouth, “they’re going to fucking hear you.” 

She bit his hand and he pulled back, cursing. 

“YOU DON’T WANT ME!”

Why wouldn’t he just deny it? He kissed her a minute ago. He all but admitted to what was between them, and this wasn’t even the first time. The lake. His bedroom. It wasn’t all just her goading him into betraying himself. He crossed the line, too. He was the one who put the line there in the first place with all his rules. 

So why was he holding her down so viciously, his face washed of any desire? The heaviness gone from his eyes. How could he have punched Silas with every bit of strength he had in him and look so empty now, so… bored? 

She ruined it. He wasn’t slipping away. He already had. Please , he’d said… But it wasn’t the request she thought it was. 

“Kids!” Han feigned surprise as the door opened. This wasn't the first time he’d walked in on his children like this. 

Leia came over to Rey’s side and grabbed her injured wrist as if she was helping her up. Rey yelped and wrenched her arm away. 

Ben wasn’t moving. Luke grasped at him, tugged at his shirt, called his name, but Ben was fixed where he was. Face still nothingness. But his eyes bore into her. 

“Everyone, out!” Luke barked. 

She couldn’t say goodbye to him the way she wanted to, so she settled for his name. “Ben.”

He must have understood, because he abruptly left the room. 

Luke sat down on the edge of her bed, catching his breath. 

“Never a dull moment around here.” He shook his head. 

Bringing her legs up to her chest, Rey rested her wrist on top of her knees and watched him, contemplating what would happen if she just blurted everything out. If she finally told someone what had been going on between her and Ben. 

“You ok?” Luke smoothed out a crinkled spot in her bedsheets. 

“What do you think?” 

“I know you feel like they aren’t your family…”

Rey couldn’t take another lecture about how Ben was her brother. “Did you hear us?” 

“Yes. And that’s why I want to tell you that I get it. But they do want you here, Rey.”

Her heart sank. 

It was right in front of him. All the signs. But her loneliness was so piteous that he excused it. Maybe that’s all she was to everyone in this family. A lonely, sad, ungrateful girl who acted out and made a fuss about no one loving her. They fundamentally misunderstood the problem. 

“Why did they even fucking adopt me?” 

Pain flashed across his face. He started to speak, but Rey could see the rearranging in his eyes. “They care about you.” An answer for him, not for her. “Anyways, I’ll be around more often now. And I think it’s important for you to stick together with Ben. Things will change.” 

She’d been to enough mandatory school assemblies to know how this speech went. Turning her head to the window, she tuned him out until he finally left. 

Let the past die. That was her new motto. 

In order to do that, though, she needed some answers first. Luke’s questions had gotten to her. Why did she know so little about Han’s job? 

She checked the drawer in the kitchen first, where she’d found Ben’s letter. Nothing else besides tools, maybe a new screwdriver but nothing out of place. 

Then she checked in the pantry, where she knew Leia sometimes stood alone, but it was largely untouched. Some of the food was outdated. Rey collected the expired items and tossed them out. 

The next place to look would be their bedroom. 

She walked upstairs cautiously, as if she was violating some deeply held contract. When she first came to live with the Solos, she thought about what the inside of their bedroom looked like. She wondered if Ben had ever rushed inside, as a child, and flung himself at their mercy while a storm raged outside. Or a nightmare slowly washed away. Rey had never seen them comfort Ben. Leia occasionally tried, but her patience was easily exhausted. 

Luke’s questions reminded her of those early curiosities she once harbored. How she hoped to find a family behind these walls, even if they didn’t quite let her in at first. 

Their bedroom door opened easily. Rey always assumed it would be locked. The lights were off and the bed was made. Sheets covered in flowers, a couple of pillows arranged neatly at the head of the bed. A dresser with some jewelry strewn on top of it, and a laundry basket half-full. A bathroom entrance off to the side. By all accounts, it looked like a place that kept no secrets. 

She approached the dresser, running her hands along the knobs. Most of them had the brass worn off in places, but the bottom drawer looked relatively untouched. Pulling on it, she found only emptiness, a musty smell coming from the unused space. She quickly shut it and left the room. 

Luke kept insisting that Rey must know something, anything , about Han’s job. She wanted to prove him right, offer some token of proof that she was, in fact, meant to be a part of this family before everyone in it decided to abandon her in different ways. But the truth was the truth. She knew nothing. They told her nothing, gave her nothing, thought of her as nothing. 

The only crumb of information she had was a conversation overheard between Han and Leia about getting rid of Ben’s stuff. Promise me it’ll be different this time . 

Obviously Leia meant, promise we will get back to being a family again. Once the kids are gone. 

For it wasn’t just Rey they didn’t want. No matter how much Han tried to act like he cared about his son’s future, their love for Ben amounted to less than a gesture and little more than a liability. 

Back in the kitchen now, Rey slumped in a chair, defeat sinking in. She would have to go back next week, sit in a stifling room with Ben and Bazine across from her, Bazine’s hand gripping Ben’s shoulder as if she had the power to steady him. She would have to lie about what she knew. Not just to cover the lack of knowledge about Han’s job, but she would have to repeat the same lies she’d been telling the entire time about her and Ben. That they were just siblings who didn’t get along sometimes. That they became siblings too late in life to have any meaningful connection. That she was happy for Ben to have someone like Bazine to help him through this. That she was still dating Silas. That she had hope left inside her for a better future. That she didn’t feel afraid every time Luke turned on the tape recorder, apprehensive about where all these conversations were leading anyway. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I think you’re in love with me.” 

Poe announced just before he jumped off the highest rock he could find, splashing everywhere. 

Rey laughed and turned her face away, barely avoiding a mouthful of lakewater. “You can keep saying it but it’ll never be true.”

“Why not?” He smoothed the hair out of his face. “It makes sense. I’m charming. I’ve known you for years, I saw you through your awkward phase, your angry phase, your weird angsty phase--”

“Which is still going.”

“-- which is still going. And now that you’re on the cusp of high school graduation, you’re realizing all these feelings you never knew you had. A bit cliche, but I’m flattered.”

She rolled her eyes. Poe had grown on her so much over the last year that irritation had become a gesture of affection between them. He winked, splashing some water her way. 

“I’m so lucky to have you here. How else would I know about all these secret feelings I have?” 

There was a time where that sentence would have been a heavy axe on her tongue, a pantomime of humour that covered up something much darker behind it. When darkness sticks around for long enough, it becomes easier to settle into it, like a rug or a wallpaper. She was settled now--bored, even--with the constant dull aches. Poe gave her a chance to be someone else while still being herself. And she took it. She forgot about everything else when she was with him.

“Are you going to walk?” Poe was floating on his back now, drifting further out into the lake where the early morning sun glittered. 

“I don’t know.” She didn’t even order a cap and gown--walking at the ceremony seemed pointless when she had no family to attend, or friends left to celebrate with. “I’d be alone the whole time.” She laughed. 

Poe stopped floating long enough to give her an offended look. “I’d come, if you asked me to.” 

“I’d have to confess my love for you in front of everyone.” 

“What are high school graduations for, if not confessions, reconciliations, realizations…”

She climbed out of the water and hoisted herself up onto the same rock he’d dove off of. “They’re for the parents.” Launching herself into the air, she relished in the brief flash of heat from the sunrise before the cool water engulfed her. 

They swam for a while in silence. The sun rose higher and higher, spreading its luminescence all the way to the banks. 

“Are you still fighting with Rose?” 

Her head shot up from the pleasant reverie she’d been suspended in, a scowl on her face. “Why do you have to bring that up every time we come here?” 

“I don’t know. The lake reminds me of Rose.” 

“Now who’s the one with secret feelings?” 

“That’s not what I mean. The lake reminds me of your friendship with Rose. You had a sweet thing going.”

If Poe knew anything about their friendship, he’d know that whatever he was referring to had long since dissipated. They didn’t even acknowledge each other in the halls anymore. Finn had chosen her side. Rey spoke to no one at school, aside from the occasional classmate when there was a group project. And she liked it that way. It was burdensome to keep secrets. No friends meant no secrets. 

“We’re not fighting. We’re just not friends anymore.” 

Poe found a floating branch and pointed it at her. “You get quiet when you lie.” 

“Why haven’t you left this town yet?” She fired back, knowing it was one of Poe’s own weak spots. 

But he took it in stride. “Because,” he shrugged, scaling another rock, “I make my own choices. Even if they look like the wrong choices to someone else.”

It was so simple that she found herself stunned. Not just by the ease of his understanding of himself but the indisputableness that resonated. Rey was not accustomed to feeling when things were right. She doubted her own feelings more than anything else. Poe did more than put her at ease. He showed her what was possible sometimes, too. 

“I take it back. Maybe I am in love with you.” She joked. “In like a friend way, if that’s possible.”

“Of course that’s possible.” Poe saluted her before taking a huge, twisting dive into the water. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

The lawn was crowded with families. Some of them were clustered off, taking pictures of their children together and swapping post-graduation plans. Which restaurant to meet at, whose backyard to grill in, all the things people did whenever there was something to celebrate. 

Rey watched from a distance, curled up on a patch of grass, graduation cap in hand. She didn’t realize that decorating the cap was customary until after arriving and seeing so many bedazzled squares, so she stole a Sharpie from some random unlocked classroom and had been trying to trace something out on the material. It wasn’t holding the dark green marker color well. 

What would she write, anyways? Thanks for a bad time? When's lunch? I learned nothing? She didn’t have a college to rep or a friend-group name to show off or even a favorite teacher or family member to praise for ‘getting me here’. All she had was herself and the piling list of people and institutions that kept pushing her off to the margins. Maybe that’s what she should draw. A giant black hole swallowing up everyone who pushed her off. 

She settled for a tree, in the end, and it wasn’t even clear. It looked more like random spikes coming out of the center of the cap. 

Pocketing the Sharpie, she put the cap on and started heading towards the line of students that formed. They were grouped by last name, so she found her spot and kept her head down, aware of the fact that ‘T’ came right after ‘S’. Her phone buzzed and she instantly pulled it out, hoping it was Poe, but the name on the screen was Silas. 

Hey, congrats on the big day! 

Without much thought she texted back a quick and polite thank you and then silenced her notifications. Poe would make a big scene when he arrived anyway. No more surprise texts from surprise people she didn’t want to share today with. 

Someone tapped her shoulder. 

“What’s that supposed to be?” It was Finn, smiling nervously. 

His cap was adorned with swirls of color, some names she couldn’t make out, a big ‘LOVE U MOM’ in the center. 

“A tree.” She replied spiritlessly. 

He laughed. “Why a tree? You don’t love trees.” 

How did he know what she loved? He’d abandoned their friendship months ago. She pointed at his cap. “You don’t love your mom.” It was meant to be mean, but Finn started laughing hysterically. 

Once he quieted down, he sighed. “I’ve missed you.”

Rey surprised herself by how much she suddenly wanted to cry. Clearing her throat, she turned away from him and kept her eyes on the line of bobbing heads in front of her. After a few minutes she glanced back and he was gone. She saw a cap that looked similar to his, in color and decoration, but long curly black hair peeked out from under it. Rose. 

Of course they would theme their caps. Of course they would announce to the world that it had been the two of them, from freshman year to college, side by side, overcoming all the twists and turns of teenage angst. Their lives were simple, their pains were simple, their joys were simple. And it was easy to share with others when the burden was not much. 

Rey started walking along with the line, heading under the large white tents that dotted the field. She stopped waiting for Poe to show up, keeping her eyes on the worn points of her shoes the entire time, even when they called her name and she walked across the stage. Someone cheered and whistled but she couldn’t remember how to smile, how to reach out and feel other people, so she just took the diploma and went back to her seat like it could happen again. Some time later, when she was ready for it. 

But it wouldn’t happen again. She wasn’t going to college. This was it. 

Guilt formed in her stomach, wishing she had waved at Poe. It was always too late. 

----------------------------------------------------------------

Poe found her in the mass of people exiting the tents. He looked cheerful carrying a bouquet of flowers. 

“For you.” He snapped a picture of her. 

She didn’t know what to do with the flowers. “Sorry.” It seemed appropriate. She tried to smile. 

“Yikes. Don’t do that.” Poe snapped another picture of her holding the flowers. “You look like you’re constipated.” 

“Wow, you’re sweet.” Was he mad at her? Or was this their usual banter? “That was you, whistling.” She tested him. 

“Sure was. I think I pissed off a few soccer moms.” He unbuttoned the top of his dress shirt. “Couldn’t they have done this indoors, with air conditioning?” 

He wasn’t taking the bait. Rey breathed in slowly, aware of how sweaty her palms were as they tried to keep hold of the flower stems. “Are you mad at me?”

Poe blinked. “Should I be?” 

“I don’t know. I didn’t wave at you.” 

“Oh, that?” He chuckled. “I knew you’d be a zombie the entire day. I’m kind of surprised you’re talking to me right now.” 

His clarity was frustrating. “What do you mean, you ‘knew’?”

“Have I not been your friend for…” he paused to count, “two years now?”

She recalled cleaning the blood off his carseat, all the texts he sent her in the aftermath of prom, when he came over to the house and she almost had sex with him in Ben’s room, when he tried to save her from herself at that party, when he asked her about her future in a way no one else had. It looked nothing like Finn and Rose, but it was friendship, too. 

Her smile was real this time. Poe patted her shoulder, catching someone’s eye behind her. 

“I’ll be right back.” He darted off. 

Left in the wake of her realization, Rey plucked at the flower petals, noticing that some of them had folded in on themselves. She smoothed them out. 

“Those are nice.” 

Rose’s voice interrupted. Rey turned to face her, ready for a confrontation. 

“What do you want?” 

Her eyes were covered in makeup, a flattering deep blue that reminded Rey of what it was like the first time Rose looked at her like she had something to offer. The thrill of having a pretty friend. 

“I…” A family walked by and bumped into them. Rose looked panicky.

“We don’t have to do this.” Rey muttered. 

“What? No. I… I wanted to… Um…” Her voice trembled. Rey noticed Finn standing off a ways from them. He was holding his cap against his chest, anxiously twirling the tassel. “I wanted to say something.” 

“Then say it.” 

Rose fidgeted, metering her breaths. Watching her struggle was agonizing. Where was the confident, rude, dismissive person she’d experienced over the last year? 

“You know what, I don’t even care what you have to say. I hope you have a good time at college.” Rey scoffed. 

“No, wait. I didn’t want it to be this way.” 

“This is exactly what you wanted. You made it like this.” There was an edge in her voice that she recognized from somewhere. It wasn’t about Rose so much as it was about the declaration itself. Why did people do things they didn’t want to do? Or, better yet, why did people want things and then want different things later and get sad about the things they originally wanted? It seemed better to want nothing. 

“I know .” Rose tossed her hands up. She was on the verge of tears. “I’m trying to say something, can you please stop looking at me like I’m a liar for one second?” 

Rey neutralized her expression as much as she could, distantly curious how much Rose could tell what she was thinking. 

“It’s really hard to apologize to you, you know. I can tell that you think I’m a horrible person and you don’t care about me.” 

“Is that what you think? Rose.” Rey gawked. “You’re the one who stopped being my friend.” 

“You ignored me. You ditched me. You made Finn lie all the time so you wouldn’t have to be around me.”

“You wouldn’t shut up about college.”

“Yeah well, you don’t get it. You don’t understand how much pressure I’m under all the time.”

“I don’t need to understand that to know that you said you’d stop talking about it around me and you didn’t.”

“What else am I supposed to talk about?” She was full on sobbing now. “You don’t know what it’s like to calculate every small thing, to worry that one mistake, one bad decision, can change your future. It’s all I have.” 

What an absurd conclusion, Rey thought. Rose had so much -- friends, loving parents, hobbies, talents, courage, so many things that Rey and countless others envied. Besides, she’d never brought these things up before. College was always ‘it’ll be so much fun’, and ‘I can’t wait to get out of here’. Never once had Rose said she was scared. 

And that’s what it was. Fear. Rey recognized it so searingly in Rose’s trembling hands as she tried to dab the tears away without ruining her makeup. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“You’re not exactly easy to be vulnerable around.” Rose sniffled. 

It felt like an insult. “Neither are you.” Their friendship had very little vulnerability, once she compared it to Poe. But Poe had worked for that. He withstood Rey’s bristling attitude and he stuck around through her ups and downs. He kept trying. 

Not everyone was like that. 

Rose fought to keep her composure. “I needed you! I needed you to do this with me and you didn’t! You just… ditched me!”

Last summer felt like a lifetime ago. Rose’s apology back then had been a breath of air, a balm that Rey didn’t even know people could give one another, and when it didn’t stick, the betrayal was like a slow descent onto the tip of a knife. She didn’t let herself acknowledge it because it was easier to give Finn the task of putting distance between them. Anything was easier than being disappointed. But there was more to it than just her pain. There was Rose’s pain, and all the expectations that came with that . Things Rey hadn’t given her that she wanted. One step forward, two steps back. 

Ben was like that, too. 

Ben. 

Someone she refused to forgive. Someone she refused to be vulnerable with ever again. His confessions, his kisses, his reprimands. One step forward, two steps back. 

And then there was the matter of herself. The moments she laughed and felt free with her friends, then her trying to fuck Poe in Ben’s bed, then closing her door when she came home from her prom, wanting Ben but choosing instead to fall asleep in her dress, then her punching that boy at Austin’s party, then her falling off Silas’ bike, then Poe splashing water at her while she forgot about the past. One step forward, two steps back. 

Maybe the problem wasn’t the back and forth so much as it was that change didn’t happen in conversations or confessions. It happened slowly. And if that was true, it could also be true that going two steps back didn’t mean the change was no longer coming.

To overcome the parts of her life she did not recognize, Rey didn’t have to leap forward past everyone, past Rose and Finn and Ben and Han and Leia and Luke and all the branches they represented, stages and truths of her life that sometimes hurt to hold up. She didn’t have to let the past die. She could leave it behind, bit by bit. 

“I’m sorry,” she found herself saying. Before she could finish, Rose was already hugging her, crying into her shoulder. Rey felt as if she might have had the power all along, in two simple words, to free both of their pain. She hugged her back, hoping that this would stick but certain that, even if it didn’t, she finally caught up to something she’d been chasing for so long. 

---------------------------------------------------------------------

“That’s the last of it.” Finn padded the trunk shut, stretching his back. 

They’d been moving things out for the last three hours, splitting their attention between unloading and actually unpacking stuff in the dorm room. Rose was particular about everything, which Finn and Rey had expected. She promised them an endless supply of coffee, should they need it. 

Her room was small, shared with someone else who hadn’t moved in yet--Rose was ahead of the curve on everything. With some fairy lights and pictures of her family and friends, a polaroid of the three of them before they left Coruscant to drive here, it looked like a place that fit her. 

Rey ran the last box of things inside while Finn stayed out on the curb, generously hydrating himself. 

“Here,” she inched into the room, plopping the box down on top of another one. 

Rose opened the box frantically. She pulled out her graduation cap. Bringing it over to a wall mount, she hung it carefully. “Perfect.”

This was the first close-up look Rey had gotten of the cap. Although it stung a bit, stirring memories, she was curious about what the writing on the cap was. It was a quote from a popular movie franchise about a Space Prince or something, Rey had never watched it but she knew Rose loved it. 

That’s how we’re gonna win. Not fighting what we hate. Saving what we love

“Hey,” Rey said softly, uncaring if the words sounded awkward coming from her mouth, considering how little practice she had with them, “I love you.” 

Rose smiled. “I love you, too.” 

“And I love you three, but we really gotta get going.” Finn was standing in the doorway, a goofy grin on his face. 

-------------------------------------------------------

Finn was proud of being the only one between the three of them that had a full license now, not just a permit. His driving skills weren’t exactly worth being proud of, but he got them back to Coruscant in one piece. They even stopped for ice cream and sat on the hood of his car, a used sedan that still had a lot of life left in it. Rey briefly thought of Silas’ old beat up Chevy Lumina with the bench seat, but she didn’t feel a pang in her gut at the memory. 

When Finn dropped her off, he got out of the car and gave her the longest hug she’d ever received in her life. 

Hours later, she found herself laying on the floor of her room and counting the tiny bumps in the stucco ceiling. There was noise coming from downstairs, like something heavy was being moved. It had been like that all summer. Clearly Han and Leia were preparing to downsize. She took it as a silent message that she needed to figure something out to do with herself that didn’t involve living with them anymore. 

It wasn’t that hard to afford an apartment if she got a full-time job somewhere. Downtown Coruscant wasn’t exactly in hot demand, so a single apartment could go for cheap. She recalled Silas giving her a whole rundown of things like that. At the time she didn’t think the information mattered. But now, as she considered the years she’d spent staring up at the same ceiling, it didn’t feel so irrelevant. 

Could she picture herself going to the same building every day for eight hours, working with the same people, reciting the same speech to customers or clients or whatever they were called? Finn and Rose had asked her this question a lot over the summer. The answer was always no. 

Finn had suggested enrolling in community college and getting a job on campus. He brought up roommates and scholarships and all these words Rey hadn’t heard of. He even discovered a special scholarship fund for students like Rey who had been through the foster system. 

Paperwork scared her. The idea of going around to different people in order to collect documents about her life--much of which contained things she’d rather forget about--was harrowing. That’s what it took to apply for the scholarships. Finn offered to help her. Even Poe said he’d pitch in a few hours a week when she told him about the idea, if it was something she wanted. 

Rose’s absence brought a weird stillness. Thinking about her going off and making new friends, becoming a different person… It was enough to make Rey wonder if such a thing could happen to her, too. 

She decided to take a chance. 

---------------------------------------------------------

She biked to the community college and back in under an hour. Grabbing information was easy, as a lot of it came in the form of brochures--they certainly didn’t hide that it was a product to be purchased, specs and all. There was a kind old lady working at the front desk who encouraged Rey to come back on Monday when the counselors would be in. People who could help her apply and get set up with classes. It was overwhelming so Rey took the brochures and left, but on the bike ride back home she concluded that no harm could come from going back there next week. 

Tossing her bike in the garage, Rey let herself in through the kitchen and stopped when she realized that she’d walked in on something. 

Han, Leia, and Ben were all standing around the table, mid-conversation. 

“Rey. I’m glad you’re here.” Han cleared his throat. 

It was hard to look anywhere else but at Ben. He changed since the last time she saw him, but then again so had she. Her skin was tanned from the sun, the friendship, the time she spent away from this house--time that had also brought a bit of joy out of her that no one under this roof was accustomed to seeing. She knew her face looked older, too, from the moments she considered herself in the mirror. Moments without as much shame as she used to feel, gazing at her own body. Her change was good. 

His change was… she couldn’t tell. He was more muscular, his hair was shorter, and his face had matured a bit. He was almost old enough to legally drink, now. His eyes were sunken, like he hadn’t gotten much sleep, but there wasn’t the same hollowness to them as the restless young man she’d known. 

He was looking at her with wide eyes. She refused to return his shock, instead presenting an air of disinterest. 

“What’s going on?” 

“We were just talking about Ben’s move.” 

Her stomach knotted up. What could be worse than him moving in with Bazine? Were he and Bazine moving across the country or something? Her confusion must have been apparent, because Leia added. “You know, back to Coruscant.” 

“ What ?”

“We thought it would be a good idea to be closer together during the trial.” 

“What trial ?” The confusion shifted to panic. 

All three of them regarded her with hesitation. 

“Surely, you figured it out.” Ben was the one to speak. He sounded calm, serene, like someone who never once punched a wall in his life. It was unnerving. “Why else do you think Luke spent months interviewing us?” 

She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of answering his question. She didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging this New Ben at all. This must be Bazine’s doing. She had tried it once before, a few summers ago, and now the transformation must have been completed. He was scrubbed clean of the Ben Solo he used to be, which meant he was scrubbed clean of Rey. 

Ignoring him, she turned to Leia. “What’s going on?” 

“Ben got an apartment nearby. It’ll be better this way, with all of us together. The trial could last a year, maybe more. We know Han is innocent--” Ben snorted “--but it will still take time to clear his name.” 

“Clear it from what ?” She felt like a headless chicken, running into everything. 

“Extortion.” Ben laughed derisively. “Fraud. Illegal activities.” 

“Ben, take this seriously.” Han snarled. “If you talk like that, you’ll just make it easier for them to pin this on me.” 

“I don’t have to do anything to make it easier for them.” 

“Boys.” Leia reached out to squeeze Han’s hand. “Let’s not argue right now.”

“I don’t want anything to do with this.” Rey glared at Ben directly. “With any of you.” 

“You don’t have a choice.” Ben gritted his teeth, meeting the challenge of her stare. 

If Han and Leia hadn’t been there, she would have tackled him. She would have shouted up and down the block about all the choices she had when she’d been doe-eyed enough to yield them to him. How she would never do that again. 

Instead she ran upstairs and slammed her door shut, feeling all at once crushed and on the cusp of escaping.

Chapter Text

Hi all ~ 

I am posting this to let you know that I am putting this fic on hiatus for the time being. Some stuff has happened in fandom that has triggered many mental health issues on my end (no surprise that I'm a bucket of trauma -- I mean, have you read the story? lol) I really didn't want to do this but this morning I woke up feeing horribly unsafe and that's usually not a good sign for me so I need to set this boundary quickly and with certainty, otherwise I might do things that will burn me out in the long run. And I love this fic, I want to finish this fic, I want to give this fic everything I've imagined giving it since I wrote the first chapter. I'm going to aim for a two week hiatus and go from there. If something changes and I am able to come back sooner, or need more time, I will provide updates. 

Thank you to everyone who is invested in this story. I promise I will come back to this. And if you are like me and sometimes you need to be reminded of these things, please know that:

• You are safe
• You are loved
• You deserve good things

Chapter Text

The phone wouldn’t stop ringing. 

Rey shoved it further under her pillow. She’d barely been sleeping these days. 

But, what if it was Rose calling, after a bad night out or one of her newest flirtations broke her heart? Rose’s life moved so fast at college that one missed conversation quickly piled the updates from ‘I have to tell you something’ to ‘oh nevermind I’m over it anyways’. And that could lead to distance, which Rey had vowed to overcome while Rose was away. One of the many new promises of this chapter in her life. Be a better friend. Date people. Get away from the Solos, permanently. 

She accepted the call, groggily hissing into the phone. “This better be about vomit or really great sex. Otherwise I’m going back to bed.” 

“Uh. Hi Rey.” Luke cleared his throat. “Good morning.”

She sat up, feeling blood rush to her head. “Sorry, I thought you were Rose.”

“I don't want to know. I’m calling about something kind of serious, actually…” 

“I told you, I don’t want to talk about that anymore.” 

For two weeks she’d been pushing off his requests for another interview. If she was going to get away from the Solos, she couldn’t continue to be a part of… whatever was going on. A trial. An investigation. It kept changing. No formal charges had been filed yet. Han was confident that they were going to announce it at an “inopportune moment”. All she knew about his job was that he managed other people. He wasn’t a public figure or even a particularly well-liked person in Coruscant. So what exactly would an “inopportune moment” be? It sounded like another self-absorbed estimation of himself, and now that Rey was 18 and so close to moving out she didn’t have to indulge it. 

“Rey.” Luke was firm. “You can’t just walk away.” 

“Yes I can.” That’s all anyone ever did to her. “If anything, I’m returning the favor.” 

He went quiet. During those interviews, Rey quickly learned how to get Luke off her back; bringing up the Solo’s treatment of her. He usually switched to questioning Ben whenever she did that and didn’t return to her after. 

But it was just the two of them on the phone. 

“What can I do to gain your trust?” It was uncharacteristically direct for any adult Rey dealt with. 

She held the phone against her chest and considered hanging up right then and there, uncomfortable with his earnestness, but a thought crossed her mind. 

“Help me get all my papers. My birth certificate, social security card, all that shit. Help me get those things and I’ll do another interview or whatever.” 

She had been trying to get the documents from Han and Leia for weeks now, but they kept putting it off. Rey had missed the deadline to register at the community college because she didn’t have them. 

“I can’t do that without telling Han and Leia, if that’s what you’re asking.” 

“Shocker,” Rey scowled. “I don’t care if they know. In fact, make sure they know. Just help me get them.”

A beat of silence. 

“Alright. But you have to answer whatever questions I have left for you. We’re at a crucial moment and I need all the information I can get, even if you think you don’t know anything.” 

“Fine.” There would be no going back to sleep after this conversation. Too many things running through her mind. Escaping the Solos for good. What Luke’s questions could be…

Before she hung up, another thought occurred. “They’re your family. More than they are mine. Why are you doing this?”

She silently dared him to ask ‘doing what’, because they both knew. It was the storm cloud that hung around the house. Was he interviewing them to help Han, or to hurt him? 

“I’m doing this because we’re family.” He didn’t explain more. 

Rey tossed the phone across her bed and began moving.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Luke didn't follow up for a week.

Rey was able to find a job at a local coffee shop--one of the few that populated Downtown Coruscant along the streets intersecting the local University’s campus. She tried not to think about how Ben went to school there now that he’d transferred. She tried not to think about how his apartment was probably within a couple blocks of the coffee shop. She tried not to think of him at all. He wasn’t her problem anymore. 

Her new boss was nothing like Hux. And her coworkers were either students themselves or too busy to make friends. Being left alone was nice. Finn sometimes stopped by in between his classes, sharing gossip. Unlike Rose, he hadn’t moved to a dorm yet. 

Poe left for a road trip a few weeks ago and before he departed, he made Rey promise that she would get the hell out of the Solo house. An extra layer of holding her to her words. Promises were different with friends. Different than rules. 

Rey planned to ask Finn if he wanted to move into an off-campus apartment together. Part of her worried that he wouldn’t want to live with someone who wasn’t also a student, but the way he complained about being woken up by his mom every morning made Rey hope that he would take any offer he could get.

It was busier than usual, according to her boss. The first weeks of the semester meant an influx of students. They usually filtered out by the end of the first month, and then another swell came towards the end of the semester when everyone suddenly needed coffee all the time and complained about why they didn’t stay open past 10pm during finals week. 

The weather was nice today, which meant large groups of people coming in, waffling back and forth between orders, taking up lots of space. All the thoughtless behaviors Rey had hoped to avoid after high school. Yet here she was, balancing a check pad on her palm while she nodded along, crossing things out, rewriting things, barely able to keep up with the speed of each group’s fickleness. Most of them spoke to her like she was a machine that could decipher their desires. It was a fucking cup of coffee . Not a life changing decision. 

She smiled at them anyways, aware of her boss watching her. 

Finally things started to slow down. 

“You can take your break in half an hour.” Her boss gestured at the tables. “Make sure you clean your section.”

Hers was right up against the floor-to-ceiling window at the front of the shop, where the bigger groups liked to sit. They left the tables covered in trash and spills, sometimes even abandoning pens or notebooks that piled up in the “lost and found” bin kept next to the door. 

It took ten minutes at most to clean it all up, which left Rey wondering why the customers had such a hard time grabbing a napkin and swiping it across the table themselves. Maybe knowing that someone was cleaning up after you made the mess less… theirs. She suddenly thought of Leia and Han. Was Luke cleaning up after Han? 

Luke hadn’t come to collect on the bargain yet. Some days Rey thought he either got what he needed or the investigation was dropped. Good. Ben could leave Coruscant and she could move in with Finn, find a way to get all her documents, go to school, start a life that was unencumbered. 

She turned around, sensing a customer walking up to her. 

There was no one there, but someone did just sit down in her section. At the table she’d just cleaned. 

He was alone. 

Rey always expected--if he even had the courage to come in here--that he would be surrounded by friends. Or with Bazine, at the very least. To remind her that some things never change. 

But seeing him hunched over the table, trying to make all of himself fit in the small chair, Rey couldn’t make sense of anything. Time stopped, sound stopped, even her own breathing could have disappeared like a star winking out of existence, swallowed up by a black hole. 

“Yours.” Her boss raised his brows expectantly. How could she tell him that she didn’t want to claim Ben Solo, not even if it was his coffee order? 

“Do you enjoy working here?” Her boss joked, waving her towards the table. “You have to talk to people to take their orders.”

Rey did as instructed, walking up to the table. 

He saw her. 

He was clean-shaven. He smelled like body wash. A backpack lay at his feet. She was transported momentarily to years ago, watching him sit in the kitchen next to a few boys and Poe, back when the two of them were friends. Back when Rey relished in his rules and hoped one day that they would lead to something. That if she followed them all exactly as he said, he might give her the one thing she wanted from him all along. 

But that would never happen. Just like she would never forgive him. One step forward, two steps back. Rey would gladly be the one to step back. 

“What can I get for you?” She bared her teeth, a smile she would give a stranger. 

He frowned. His hands held steady on his thighs, and Rey couldn’t help but feel a subtle cold on all the places on her body he had touched. 

“I didn’t know you were working here.” 

A group of people walked in, chatting loudly.

“ What can I get for you?” She repeated over the noise. 

“Rey.” One of his hands slid. Rey noticed nail marks in the fabric of his jeans. He wasn’t steady. He was gripping. “Coffee, please. Iced.” He cleared his throat. 

“Great.” She scribbled it on the pad and ripped off the paper, tossing it on his table. “You can check out with someone else.” 

“Wait--” He tried to stand abruptly, knees knocking into the table. He sank back down into his seat. 

“Ben, hey!” Someone from the group that just came in walked over. “I thought you might come here after class.” The young woman beamed at him, placing a hand on his shoulder casually. “Oh,” she noticed Rey, “I’ll let you finish ordering. You’re coming to the mixer this weekend, right? I already have the perfect angel wings.” She leaned in. 

Rey thought about stabbing her in the eyeballs with the pen in her hand. It would be messy, but…

“Sure,” Ben sounded distracted. He didn’t say anything else and the young woman’s mood shifted. She seemed embarrassed, offering a polite smile and walking back to her group of friends. 

“Does Bazine know you’re cheating on her?” An exaggeration that came out with little thought. She hated how easy it was to envy anyone he gave attention to. Even with all the distance she put between them. 

Ben looked confused, but he didn’t say anything. His shoulders moved slowly as he breathed. Was he… counting? 

“Stop ignoring me.” 

He looked up at her, eyes dark and wide. But not from lack of sleep, or from rage, or from desire. Maybe Bazine’s New Ben wasn’t just Bazine’s. Maybe he liked being this way. 

The thought made Rey feel like she’d just lost her grip on a rope, and she was falling into a place no one would ever climb down to get her from. She would stay there forever. 

“Bazine and I broke up.” 

The coffee shop felt very hot, like a pot of boiling water, Rey at the center of it. Rey, floating up with a bubble, trapped, confused, waiting to burst. 

So, she burst. “Did she break your rules?” Now she was the one gripping. 

He put a wedge between them for Bazine. He changed everything about himself. All for nothing . 

He slammed his hands on the table, rattling the rusted metal. “You don’t know anything about her. Or what happened between us.” 

Defending her. He wasn’t lowering the shields. He was sad . 

And the fact that someone could reach Ben in that way--could make him feel something Rey could never summon from him, no matter how much she fractured at his feet, felt unacceptable. Cruel, even. She couldn’t let him get away with it. 

“So she dumped you,” she pressed into his sadness, hoping to make him burst, too, “and now you’re moping in a coffee shop. I didn’t realize you were capable of regret.”

“There’s a lot of things I regret.” He sat back down, expressionless except for the slightest crease below his eyes. It was harder for her to tell when he was trying to hide. Escape was hers , but somehow he beat her to it.

“I don’t care.” 

She left him sitting at the table, taking off her apron and breezing past her manager. 

If Ben wanted to take the whole entire world right off its hinges and put it in his pocket, she would let him. As long as she could jump off it first. Float in space. Be one of those rovers that get lost in orbit, never returning to the place they were made. 

-------------------------------------------------------

Her break was almost over. 

She loitered in the alley behind the coffee shop, smoking the remnants of a joint she found in her jacket pocket. It was probably months old, judging by the terrible flavor and the lack of any high. 

Putting it out on the brick wall, she tossed it into one of the large trash cans the shop stored in the back. She paced, she scratched lines into the ground where the asphalt ended, she did anything to keep herself from acknowledging the steady hum in her chest, begging her to go back inside and do something to get Ben’s attention. 

It didn’t feel the same anymore. 

When she thought of his eyes on her, watching for any violation, the thrill came with a price. A pit in her stomach. 

Bazine was out of the picture. 

Her phone vibrated. Without thinking, she picked up. Maybe it was Finn, or Poe checking in. “Yeah?”

“Ready to make good on our agreement?” Luke’s voice carried a forced levity. 

“Now’s really not a good time.”

“What’s wrong?”

An absurd question. What wasn’t? “Nothing.”

“I was once a teenager, you know.” 

“And?”

“ And I know when you’re being dramatic, and when something’s really wrong.”

“Something’s always wrong.” That would shut him up. 

But then he drew in a breath, the kind that made Rey preemptively cringe from the lecture that was sure to follow. “It won’t always be.”

“What?” Where was the lecture? 

“It won’t always be like that. Or, it doesn’t have to be. Things can be okay.” 

She thought of Ben, holding Bazine’s hands while she cried, while she begged him not to leave her, or maybe Bazine standing in a doorway while Ben was slumped in the corner, hiding his sobs, begging her not to leave him. She thought of Han rotting in a prison cell. She thought of Han being found innocent. She thought of Poe, balancing precariously on a rock, letting himself fall into the water. 

What did it mean to be okay? 

“Whatever.” She hung up. 

----------------------------------------------------

All the lights were on when Rey got back. 

There was a van in the driveway, which wasn’t unusual these days. She guided her bike into the garage. On her way in, she passed by two people carrying out a coffee table. Rey didn’t know much about furniture, but she always guessed it was the most expensive thing in the house judging by how little they ever used it for anything. 

Han and Leia were in the kitchen, some papers splayed out on the counter. 

“Rey,” Leia noticed her trying to sneak upstairs, “can you come in here please?”

Last time they requested an audience with her, they asked about Luke’s interviews. 

“I’m tired from work.” It wasn’t a lie. 

“It’s about that, actually.” Leia’s face looked sleep deprived. Another thing that wasn’t unusual these days. What was unusual though was the pang of sympathy Rey felt at seeing Leia’s face so sullen. Her roots were grayed and her hands were restless, shuffling between papers. 

Rey lingered in the doorway, waiting for them to say more. 

“We were wondering if you had any plans to move out soon? Now that you’re working.”

They had to ask eventually. “Yes, I’m almost saved up.” She gave them only the information they needed, nothing more, nothing about moving in with Finn or cutting them out of her life once she left.

“How soon?” 

Rey had a mental countdown. “Another month or two.”

“Can it be sooner?” 

Nothing was a surprise anymore, but the sympathy turned into hurt. Another reminder that they’d been waiting patiently for this moment--years of pretending culminating in a late night kitchen conversation where the obvious could finally be stated. 

“That’s what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it?”

Leia looked up from the papers. “Excuse me?”

“You’re not my parents. You’re not even good baby-sitters.” 

“Don’t talk to your mother that way.” 

“My mother is dead.”

They didn’t acknowledge it but Rey figured as much. Both of her parents must have died a long time ago, before the Solo family ever found her, before her other foster homes, before she even knew what it was to have , let alone to lose . 

“Look,” Han put a hand on his wife’s shoulder, and she looked away. “It would be great if you could move out by the end of the week. We need to sell the house and it’s a hot market right now.”

“The end of this week ?” It was Wednesday.

“Should be enough time. You don’t have much.” 

“And whose fault is that?” Rey’s ears were getting hot. She wanted to open a window and scream. 

“That’s not what this conversation is about.” He corrected her. “This is about you helping out the family.” 

‘When are you going to get that you are not my family !” 

She must have yelled so loud that someone from the driveway heard her, because the garage door opened. This was her last chance to say all the unspoken things she carried for so long. 

“The fucking second I move out of here, you are dead to me.” 

“Great. We’ll fit right in with your real parents, then.” Han snapped.

She lunged for the papers on the table and ripped up whatever she could get her hands on. 

Han grabbed her wrists and twisted them back, pinning her forearms onto the counter. He shoved her head down. She thought of all the horrible things the newspapers said about Han and wondered if they could come true, even if they started out as lies. Or if they had always been true, and the apathy he’d shown for years was the real lie. 

The weight above her shifted. Han was yelling but it depleted quickly, like something punctured him and let the air out. Rey used the slack to twist herself out from under the fray and when she turned around she saw Ben standing over his father, holding his arms behind him and lowering him to his knees.

“Don’t ever put a hand on her.” Ben looked wild, his face flushed and his chest rising and falling like a piston, but his voice was steady.  

Han didn’t respond. Ben let go of him and started walking towards her, his eyes appraising the red marks on her wrists. 

“She’s nothing,” Han muttered, getting to his feet. Leia protested but he ignored her. “She’s nothing and she never should have been--” 

Ben punched Han in the face. Unlike all the other times Rey had seen him hit someone, this one was a single strike. This was the recognition she truly craved from Ben. Not his public affection, not his public hatred, not any of the things that had been the see-saw of their dynamic. His claim on her needed to go beyond any of the provisional emotions that so easily teetered. It needed to be essential. It needed to be consuming. 

But she didn’t feel a thrill. Or even a delirious longing fulfilled. It was a twisted, anxious, doom-filled wrench in her body, tightening her joints like gears in the sinking engine of a boat, flooded by the very thing it was chasing. 

Silas appeared in her mind. And then Poe. And Finn and Rose. All of them judging her for what she craved, even if they didn’t know it. Silas knew it. He threatened to lock Ben away. 

She grabbed Ben’s hand and ran out of the house. 

Only once they got to the end of the block did she realize that he followed her the entire way, his fingers latched onto hers so tightly she could feel her pulse in each one. 

“I have nothing. They want me gone in two days.” 

“You’re not allowed to go back there.”

“I don’t have to listen to you anymore!” She yanked her hand from him. The streetlight above them sputtered, blinking in and out. 

“It’s not like that.” 

“It’s always like that.” Everything he’d just done for her was immaterial compared to what he’d done to her for years. 

“Rey.” 

The light went out entirely. 

If it wasn’t one thing, it was another. She refused to be a crash landing. 

“Stay with me until you find your own place.” 

“Were you listening to anything I said?”

“Yes. You can crash on the couch. I won’t get in your business.” He pushed a bit of hair out of his face. Only now did Rey realize that his breathing had calmed down, his entire body in fact was circumspect. She was so used to his lumbering, to the sheer power of his overgrown presence. 

“Bazine really broke your heart.” Rey blinked away a few mutinous tears, glad for the darkness.

As if he might have guessed at what she was referring to, Ben balled his hands into fists. I’m still here , they said. 

“If you want my help, you have to stop bringing her up.”

Now he was setting terms? She had some of her own.

“No more rules. Ever again. I do what I want.”

His fists remained clenched. After a beat, he nodded.

The words nagged at her. If she was going to do this, it had to be clear. “It’s not help. It’s basic fucking decency.”

Something must have ruptured. He grabbed her shoulders roughly and pulled her close enough that she could feel the leftover flush on his skin, his neck, his jaw. “I know.” He released her, and she almost felt like the icy lakewater was waiting to catch her fall, but there was only her own two feet, holding her balance. 

----------------------------------------------------------------

Rey felt fourteen again. 

She pushed the headphones in further, hoping to drown out the sounds of Ben tossing and turning on the other side of the wall. The couch was cramped, with too-soft pillows and rips along the seams. She found a thin sheet to place over it and an old blanket she vaguely recognized from the pile of laundry she used to move aside in order to wash her own clothes. It had ‘Coruscant High - Go Fight Go!” embroidered on it, but just like the couch fabric it was fraying. Rey plucked at it absently as she tried to lose herself in the music. 

She wasn’t fourteen anymore. It was harder to drown out real life. 

In the morning she would call Finn and explain the situation to him. They could figure something out. 

Holding on to that thought, she eventually fell asleep. 

When she woke up, Ben was already gone. 

Finn didn’t pick up all three of the times she called, so Rey left him a voicemail. It was rambling and confusing but the bottom line was that she needed him. 

Her clothes were sticky from the humidity of being pressed up against couch pillows all night so she showered. Navigating Ben’s bathroom was a lot like what she imagined living inside a volcano would be like. As her hands found shampoo, soap, towels, she wondered if the contact might trigger a tragedy. Bury herself under the weight of decisions. 

She regarded each object as holy. The way she remembered learning in school that wars can be fought in the name of the unattainable. That a god can be the edge of a razor, promising violence, or love, or both. Why did she want both? What did that make her?

Putting her clothes back on from last night, she checked her phone and saw a few missed calls from Finn. Some texts with panicked emojis. And then an incoming call from Poe. 

If she picked up, she couldn’t lie to him. And if she told him the truth about what was going on right now, he would yell at her. He would probably cut his trip short to come back and yell at her in person, too. 

Rey didn’t want to hear him tell her about all the ways she would never find love in ruinous places. That was her entire life. 

And today was not a good day to strike at her own foundations. 

She ignored the call and left Ben’s apartment with the couch untouched, sheets crumpled, reminders of his expired kindness and her newfound freedom.

Chapter Text

Finn was already waiting outside the coffee shop by the time Rey arrived. 

He pulled her into a hug. “He’s an asshole.”

Rey wasn’t sure if he was referring to Han, or Ben, or both. Her shift was starting soon and she was wearing the same clothes she worked in last night. “Do you have an extra t-shirt with you?” 

Finn shook his head. “Unless you want the one off my back.” 

She laughed, but he pulled it over his head. “I did just shower before meeting you. And I got this out of the clean laundry pile this morning.” 

Rey inspected its scent, confirming the fresh linen and citrus aroma. “Your mom still does your laundry for you?” 

Finn smirked. “Don’t worry, that won’t stop me from moving out. Besides, you need me right now.” 

Rey wasn’t ready to explain everything to Finn--how deep the fissures ran between her and the Solos--but she recognized the curiosity in his voice. He wanted to ask more but he would never dare to, not without Rose present. Rose was usually the one who acknowledged things like that. 

“Turn around.” 

He did as instructed, using his height to shield her from view. There weren’t many people on the sidewalk. Rey quickly swapped her shirt for his. 

“Thanks.” She balled up her own shirt. 

“I can take that.” It was an acknowledgment of what Rey didn’t have--didn’t want to ask for. It spared her from going to Ben. Maybe even from going back to his apartment altogether. But she didn’t know how to ask for that either. 

Nodding, she handed him her shirt and squeezed his hand before heading inside the shop to clock in. 

-------------------------------------------------------------

As the hours went on and the coffee shop got more packed, it was harder to stay comfortable in Finn’s shirt. It was already a few sizes big for her, and it started getting in the way of wiping tables. She tied it under her bra, grateful for the cool air on her stomach. 

“Hey, do you have any water?”

Someone leaned over the counter, waving for Rey’s attention. She recognized the young woman instantly; the same one who came up to Ben last time he was in the coffee shop. Talking about angel wings or something. 

“Sure.” Rey poured her lukewarm water and scooped a cup of ice into it.

“How long have you known Ben?” The blonde woman asked casually as she sipped on the water. 

Rey didn’t understand why it was any of her business, but her boss was a few feet away so she shrugged and kept her eyes on the counter in front of her. “Four years.”

“Did you go to high school with him?” 

“Yes.” Was she going to ask about his ex-girlfriends next? Rey prepared a story, part of her hoping the woman would ask so she could have a single moment where she could tell the truth about what was between her and Ben. 

“Cool. So, is he seeing anyone?” 

It was close enough. “It’s complicated.” 

The woman laughed. “I’ll bet. He probably has a lot of options.”

The rag in Rey’s hands quickly turned into a hammer, one she contemplated swinging at the girl’s face. But it wouldn’t do anything about the truth in her words. None of those options would ever be Rey. And, she shouldn’t want them to be. He was controlling. He was unkind at times. He was a thing of nightmares. Nightmares she craved in the brightest daylight. 

“Is there anything else I can help you with?” 

“Yeah, actually. Can you give him this for me?” She slid a rectangular piece of cardboard towards Rey. It looked like an advertisement, but there were no words, only pictures. A stop light. A winding pathway. A giant disco ball. 

“Is this a clue or something?” In her mind she saw Ben surrounded by faceless people who clung to him, sapped him up, and then grew into giant thorns that blocked Rey out. She saw herself walking away, but her arms were covered in wounds no matter how far she got.

“It’s a TriDelt party, obviously.” The woman tossed her hair back, revealing the front of her shirt. Rey blinked, seeing three triangles and wondering if that was supposed to mean anything more than what Rose would have called ‘an interesting choice’. The young woman must have noticed Rey’s confusion. “Wait, you don’t go to Cor?” 

Rey considered the answers she could give. None of them felt like they would be more satisfying than dumping water on her weird triangle shirt. Her boss was busy in the back. A simple accident, a slip of the wrist…

“Oh my god!” 

The young woman lit up at the sight of someone, waving them over. “We were just talking about you.”

Ben’s gaze was trained on Rey with a familiar scorch, his eyes already betraying what came next. 

“Who’s fucking shirt is that?”

Rey looked down at Finn’s light blue t-shirt, stained in some spots from coffee spills. It had been too hot to put on an apron. She looked back up at Ben’s face--how it always held the magnitude of rage that lived in the muffled punches into his pillow at night, or the deep scratches of his own fingers nearly ripping his flesh off, trying to contain something that was too ugly, too honest, to be contained. The young woman’s eyes darted between the two of them and Rey relished in the nervous rise and fall of her chest. 

“None of your business.” 

The woman smiled and extended her hand in front of Rey. “I’m Holly, by the way.” In another life, Rey might have wondered if by putting her arm between them, she was trying to protect Rey from Ben. From a guy who was being intense and possessive and jealous in public. But this wasn’t another life, and Ben was never scrutinized like that, and the sickly sweet smile on the woman’s face made it clear who she was trying to protect.

Ben’s attention was always the goal posts and Rey was always playing the game against someone else. Random girls at school, Bazine, and now this Holly person. 

“I didn’t ask.” Rey’s eyes breezed past Holly’s hand, leaving it to awkwardly hang in the air. 

Ben’s hands were on the counter, flat as collapsed sails, the knuckles reddening. She could already hear his next words. Don’t make me ask you again . And she held his gaze, intent on making him ask a million and one times and ignoring it, dismissing it, using what little power she had. Tonight, she would have to go back to his apartment--enter the active volcano and keep away from its walls, pretend like she wasn’t the pressure, the tectonic plates beneath him, that threatened eruption. And she refused to bow down more than she already had to. 

But he said nothing. 

Holly moved her hand to Ben’s shoulder and for a moment he twitched, but then something washed over his face. Something like perception. A hopeless man finding water in the desert. Or maybe a weapon.

He threw his arm around Holly’s shoulder and pulled her under him, and she fit perfectly. Pointing at the cardboard piece in Rey’s hand, Ben smirked. It was a cruel smirk, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Is that for me?” 

Holly yanked it from Rey. “Yeah, if you wanna. It’s closed invite, so you’ll need this at the door to get in.” 

Ben pocketed the invitation. Rey watched his fingers glide across it, undressing some part of her the longer he was touching Holly. The exposure was an old game, but the stakes were different now. Rey knew things she hadn’t all those years ago. 

“It’s Finn’s shirt.” 

She walked away, barely catching the way Ben’s mouth dropped open. 

----------------------------------------------------

Rey couldn’t remember where Ben’s apartment was, so she wandered the streets near campus for a while after her shift ended, contemplating the darkening sky. There were random benches and flowery courtyards along the campus. It wouldn’t be so horrible to sleep there. The weather was still humid but the temperature had dropped. 

A campus police car passed. Maybe she wouldn’t sleep on the bench. Luke crossed her mind. Did Han and Leia tell him about what happened? Would he call her? 

She started to recognize the driveways from her morning walk. The sun was completely gone now and the cicadas and crickets took over. Rey swatted some gnats away and kept walking, numb to the sweat all over her body. 

A red door next to a window caught her eye. Ben had a red door. Suddenly the miles of wandering weighed on her, a deep exhaustion. 

The door swung open. Ben looked like he was in the middle of breaking something. His hair was pushed back and betraying the humidity outside. His shirt was drenched in sweat. He had a look in his eyes that brought Rey back to the first time he caught her watching him. The temporary pretense from last night was gone.

“Where the fuck have you been?”

Rey pushed past him. 

He caged her against the kitchen counter when she didn’t respond. “I’ve been looking for you.”

His appearance made sense now. There was a small purr in her chest, an idle hope to be noticed, to be a prized possession Ben would overturn the asphalt to find. Angry with herself, Rey refused to look at Ben as she pulled her phone out and did the first thing she could think of. 

“What are you doing?” He stepped in closer. His breathing was louder than the cicadas. 

“Getting out of here.” She wouldn’t give him another glance. No matter how tempting it was to see the damage she could do. She waited for her phone to buzz. 

Ben’s breathing quieted. He released her from the cage, crossing over to the living room. Out of the corner of her eye she saw him pace. The apartment had only a window air conditioning unit and it wasn’t turned on. The sweat was back on her neck, under her shirt. She untied it and fanned herself with the now wrinkled fabric. 

“You’re going to Finn’s.” There was venom in his tone. 

If he wanted to take them back to the prison he used to keep her in, he would have to stay in it with her. Or, maybe she would lock him inside it for once and go off on her own, torture him with thoughts of the full and happy life she could be living without him. A New Rey for an Old Ben. 

Her phone finally buzzed back. 

Before she could answer it, Ben was in her face, grabbing it from her. His knuckles were white from gripping the phone. The caller ID flashed a photo of Rey and Silas together. She’d forgotten to change it after they broke up. 

“You still talk to this fucking scumbag?”

The trap she set was working. She gave him an innocent smile, but her voice returned the same venom he so generously injected into her for years. “We don’t do a lot of talking, actually.”

That set him off. “Silas is not allowed to get within ten fucking feet of this apartment. Or you.” 

He always had the power, but maybe that was only because she believed he did. That day in his room a year ago, when she confessed to him that he was her first kiss, Rey still thought he had the power. But in retrospect, she could see his struggle, even in the haze of a memory. She could see him craving. It had felt like rejection then. Now, it felt like a tightrope. And she was the one who could push him off it.

Rey opened the front door and watched Ben, taking a leap of faith. “You have a right to only one of those things.” 

He slammed the door shut and lifted her thighs up and pushed her into the wall. A tiny, shocked laugh escaped her. It worked. But instead of feeling whatever it was she’d expected to feel, all she could think about was Ben and Bazine like this. All the times he must have shoved her against walls, or tossed her onto a bed. Silas had never touched Rey like that. 

She didn’t squirm against him. “He’s on his way.” 

Ben was staring at her mouth, but he didn’t react to her words. His grip on her thighs slipped a bit from the sweat between them and Rey lifted herself up. The motion made Ben groan, and suddenly Rey’s ears were pounding. She wanted Ben to move his hands up further. She shifted again. He grunted and dug his fingers into her flesh, pushing her further into the wall.

“I don’t fucking care.” 

She savored the fear in his voice. It was like coming home. He might have said her name, but she couldn’t tell. 

He didn’t get to choose things anymore. This was her cage for him . But unlike the real things that transpired between Ben and Bazine and all the girls there were rumours about, and now probably Holly, Rey would have to invent things to torture him. So, she thought of the worst things. The things that haunted her own nightmares of Ben’s transgressions.

“Do you know what I let him do to me?”

Ben thrust her into the wall. “Shut up.”

“He tells me I’m a good girl.”

“Shut up .” He hissed.

“He makes me beg and then he fu--”

With one hand he kept her up by the thigh and used the other to slam the wall, leaving a dent. She almost screamed but it was swallowed up by the unbearable sensation of his jealousy unleashed. It fueled her.

“You’re mine .” His jaw clenched. “Clearly I need to remind you of that.” 

He used the leverage to pull her over to the couch, throwing her down onto it. 

She clamored to her knees, barely reaching his chest. “For years ...” She couldn’t finish the sentence but he knew. He knew .

He grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her by the hair, bringing their faces close enough to drown out any sound she made. This was the stuff of her nightmares. But it wasn’t Ben she feared. It was herself. 

“You… have… no idea …”

He pushed her down and climbed on top of her, grabbing her wrists. She had seen the darkening hunger in his eyes many times before, but now it occurred to her that Ben had a hold on her not unlike a leash, and when he tightened it, she unraveled. Everything felt swollen; her lips, her nipples, her clit. 

“...what I’ve thought about you.”

She inhaled sharply. He grabbed the collar of her shirt and tore it in half. The remains of Finn’s shirt were pathetic scraps in his wild hands, tossed aside and forgotten as Rey tried to remember how to breathe. 

“What I’ve thought about doing to you.”

Rey was delirious, unsure if she would wake up on the couch in a few minutes, soaked in sweat. This was more than she bargained for. Selfishly she pictured Ben imagining Rey in Bazine’s place every time they touched. Every time he was inside her. Sensations Rey could only reach into herself at night to find. But not now. Not with her hips pushing up into Ben, grinding against him as if it were a threat. 

She reached out for the hem of his shirt but he caught her wrists and pinned them above her head. “No.” It felt like a rule. She started fighting against him, desperate to stake her claim, but he was so strong. Even now, he was hiding. 

The phone rang. Ben still had it. He wrenched it out of his pocket, answering it with an icy tone. “Don’t even think about it.” He hung up. 

Suddenly Rey was fourteen again. But unlike the first night she crashed here, where she felt split between timelines, connected by her enduring desire to find Ben in the midst of his pain, this was like swapping herself out entirely for someone who didn’t know better. But she did know better. She could hear the crickets outside again. She remembered how hot it was in the apartment. She realized what she’d done by texting Silas to come over. 

And judging by Ben’s face, the way it cycled between tense and fearful and incandescent rage as he climbed off her, he, too, was registering it all. His eyes traveled to the dent in the wall.

The moment was punctured. 

There was a knock at the door. Rey stood and picked up the scraps of Finn’s shirt, putting it back on like a jacket and tying the front together. The uneven tear was still obvious. Another knock. Ben’s face had lost its color. He backed into the kitchen like an invisible force was wedging itself between them. 

An inexplicable wave of sadness came over her. She choked it back, but the apartment was too small and too full of what just happened for her to stay there another second. She went straight for the door and at the slightest movement from Ben she turned to look him right in the eyes. “No.” If he wanted to hide, she would too.

He stayed in retreat as she slammed the door behind her. 

------------------------------------

“What the hell was that?” 

Silas stood in the doorway of his apartment, holding out a mug of hot tea for Rey to take. She avoided eye contact as she took a sip. His apartment had changed considerably. New furniture, more art on the walls, neater. There was a polaroid on the fridge of Silas with a woman, both smiling as streaks of light surrounded them. 

“You haven’t said a word since I picked you up.” He observed. 

She stared into the cup, watching the tea bag shrink in the hot water. 

“Do you have a shirt I can borrow?”

“Sure.” 

He came back from the bedroom with a thin sweater she recognized. 

“Thanks.” She put it over Finn’s shirt. How would she explain to him what happened to it? 

Silas stared at her for a while. 

“Did he hurt you?” He finally spoke. 

It must have looked that way. Rey closed her eyes and tried to think of an explanation. 

“You can tell me.” 

But she couldn’t. She couldn’t tell anyone. It would always be like that. “I’m okay.” She lied. Her clit was still aching. Flashes of Ben and Bazine together invaded her thoughts. Ben, pulling her hair. Ben, speaking to her the way he’d spoken to Rey. 

She put the mug down and looked at Silas. 

“Rey…” He was so gentle with her name. She didn’t want gentle. 

Crossing the room she put her hands on his cheeks and kissed him without second thought. Everything was spinning. He kissed her back, slowly at first, but the more she clawed at his neck the harder his lips were against hers. And then his hands found her ass, lifting her like he’d been waiting forever to fit himself into her life somehow and it was finally happening. 

The next thing she knew they were on his bed. His lips were all over her in flashes. Stomach, knees, thighs, hips. All she saw over and over again was Ben and Bazine. Her hand guiding his shoulder on the fourth of july. The two of them coming back inside from a walk around Leia’s garden. 

This was the real nightmare.

Silas removed the sweater he’d just given her and continued to kiss. He flitted along the edges of her bra. She looked down and took a mental picture of his hair falling onto her chest. Now Ben could have something to keep him up at night. 

“Rey?” Silas was staring at her. “Is everything okay?” He stopped touching her and instead brought his hands to her cheeks, wiping at them gently. The motion was too much. The tears that had begun to trickle out were now pouring. Her entire body shook. 

She let Silas hold her but he might as well have been a ghost. 

------------------------------------------------

Something tickled Rey’s stomach. 

The sunlight was harsh on her eyelids. She tried to swat it away but someone caught her hand delicately, kissing her wrist. She woke up instantly. 

Silas was suspended over her, smiling. 

“Good morning.”

She took her wrist back from him and sat up, her head heavy. “What time is it?” One of the many questions forming in her mind.

“A little after seven. Do you want coffee?” 

Coffee. She had a shift this morning. Reaching around for her phone, she realized that it was still at Ben’s apartment. 

Ben. 

As if Silas had a window into her mind--one she didn’t give him--he touched the side of her face. “It’s okay. You don’t have to go back there. We can get someone to grab your stuff, whatever you need.”

Rey recalled the polaroid on the fridge. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

Silas gave her a vacant stare. “I mean, yeah.”

She felt nauseous. The sweater he’d let her borrow was somewhere on the floor. She rifled for it and threw it on quickly. It was like iron clamping down on her body, but she didn’t have a choice. Finn’s shirt--or what was left of it--was gone. “I have to go.”

“Wait!” Silas followed her into the living room. “I want to help you.”

“Call your girlfriend, Silas.”

She was halfway down the hall when he called after her. “Do you need a ride? Rey?”

----------------------------------------------------

Each time the door opened, Rey’s head snapped. Anyone who looked vaguely like Ben was enough to send her into a clumsy spiral, dropping the milk frother or forgetting how many scoops of matcha she’d taken out. At one point she spilled an entire drink and had to remake it for an impatient customer. 

By the time her break came around, she was hastily making herself an Americano and wiping up spills while she waited for all four shots to pour. 

She left her apron on as she found a seat in the back. Somewhere with a clear view of the door. 

The espresso was burnt but she didn’t care. It was cool going down her throat. She chewed on a piece of ice, watching, waiting. 

A familiar face entered the shop, but it wasn’t anyone she expected. Hoping he was here by coincidence, she steered clear of his gaze. 

He walked right up to her. 

She looked up, barely enough energy to smile awkwardly. “Luke.”

“Do you have a minute to chat?”

“Why?” 

He laughed. “Don’t you remember?” Her mind had nothing in it for miles. 

“I want to talk to you about Han.”

“Right.” The interviews. 

Taking the seat across from her, he procured a notebook and flipped it to a blank page. 

“Has Han ever been… aggressive?”

She didn’t understand the question. Filling her mouth with more ice cubes, she chewed loudly and waited for Luke to elaborate. 

“Has he ever gotten angry at small things, or…” He trailed off, glancing around, “has he ever gotten physical with you or Ben?”

Rey laughed derisively. She thought of the countless times Ben and Han got into it. That was like asking if fish swam in water. 

Luke’s eyebrows shot up. “I’ll take that as a yes?”

Rey shrugged. She wanted the conversation to end. 

“Rey, listen, I really need you to help me out here. I’m trying to do the right thing.” 

“Which is what?” 

He sighed. “I can’t say.”

“Then I can’t help you.”

Closing the notebook, Luke leaned in, biting the inside of his cheek in contemplation. Finally, he spoke. “Alright. I’m… trying to paint a picture. I want to get a sense of what things were like.” 

Her drink ran out of ice. She considered his original question. Ben materialized in her mind, his knuckles bloody and his walls full of holes. The more she poked at the image, memories unfurled. The cake. Poe and prom. All the times in between when Han would punish Ben for things. The day she met Ben, he was angry. He was always angry.

And Han was always… Han. 

She thought of the way he spoke to Ben. Dismissive. Demeaning. Sometimes outright cruel. 

Ben’s anger came from somewhere. 

One particular memory after the fourth of July surfaced. Han dragged Ben outside, putting him on his knees. At the time she thought Han might finally be intervening, but it wasn’t that. It was muscle memory. Ben, submitting, Han, always above him. 

The memory overlapped with one from last week, the night Han and Leia asked her to move out. Ben stood in the kitchen and brought Han to his knees. It wasn’t a public declaration of his claim on her. It was about… everything. Every pounding step that built the worn path between father and son. A path that was carved long before Rey ever showed up at the Solo house. 

“I have to go.” 

She took off her apron and tossed it onto the counter as she headed for the door. There were still a few hours left of her shift but she couldn’t do anything until she knew the truth. 

This time she walked directly to Ben’s apartment. 

The door was unlocked. 

Ben was sitting on the couch, his head in his hands. He looked up just in time to see her before she kissed him.

Chapter Text

“And I was like, really ? A dick pic before midnight?”

Rey leaned against the counter, mindlessly pouring milk foam as she listened to the chatter of students waiting in line. This was the tenth Pumpkin Spice Latte she’d made since they opened half an hour ago. It was early October and there was no end in sight. 

She’d gotten good at swirling the foam in the shape of a leaf. It was a small accomplishment against the tide of failures she’d been racking up lately. 

Someone asked for an extra cup and she didn’t look at them as she held one out over the espresso machine. 

“Rey? I forgot you work here!”

Holly’s voice was like a poorly tuned string. If it were possible to jump inside the milk frother and hibernate until the earth had been wiped of all Hollys, Rey would have done just that. She would have done anything to avoid what came next. 

An acknowledgement. A polite acknowledgement. Rey was barely capable of it. 

But her boss was nearby so she tried. 

“Yeah.” 

It was enough for her, but Holly seemed determined to chat judging by how she leaned over the counter and watched Rey’s hands. 

“You must hate making those, huh?” Holly giggled. 

Not as much as I hate talking to you . Rey nodded. 

At least it didn’t feel as bad as it had been with Bazine. She knew too much, now. About herself, about Ben, maybe even about the Hollys of the world. Chasing Ben’s affection was like going after a livewire. 

“How’s it been at the apartment?” Holly grinned. “You’re welcome, by the way. A pretty sweet deal. You basically live alone and pay no rent. I’d have killed for that at eighteen.”

Rey messed up the foam leaf on the drink she’d just finished making. Forcefully sprinkling some cinnamon over the mistake, she slid it down the counter and moved onto the next drink. Holly remained in front of her. 

“I have to get back to work.” Neutral. Take that back to Ben . 

“Right, of course. We’ll have to do dinner one night. I’m busy with New Member Ed, but I’m sure we can find some time. Are you coming to the TriDelt Halloscream party?”

A customer reached across Rey and grabbed a lid. A large group of students came inside, laughing. Holly’s words were like puzzle pieces Rey had no interest in, unless she could smash it over Holly’s head. 

Still, Holly waited. “I’ll have to see.” 

“Let me know and I’ll get your name on the list.” She winked before finally walking off. 

Some of the foam spilled onto Rey’s knuckle. A coworker offered a towel. The morning rush was picking up, order tickets coming in rapidly, and all Rey could do was stare at the spot where Holly had stood, willing herself to ignore a throbbing headache. The tide of failures, rearing its ugly head... 

She kissed him with little ceremony, but he put his hands over hers. They both held his cheeks in place, and Rey was afraid to let go, afraid if she did, his head might roll right off. Or she might be the one whose mind would run away without her. It was hard enough to get here--to this moment--that anything could set off the volcano and leave them both in ruins. 

“Rey…” Her name was a good thing when he said it. Right now. “I’m sorry…”

The impossibility of an apology from Ben that came without his gruffness prompted a second kiss from her. He could have been sorry for anything and she wouldn’t forgive him. It was too late for that. But forgiveness was not her goal. Freedom was. 

His hands traveled down her sides, searching for a way under her shirt. She pushed him into the couch and slid onto his lap, making it easier for the two of them to swallow the space that separated them. He grabbed at her, raking her stomach and digging his face under her chin, inhaling, dragging himself along her collarbone. 

For years Rey had defined herself by the way Ben’s shadow bent away from her. There was always something wrong about their circumstance, but it was simpler when she thought it was either one of them. His refusal. Her desire. But none of that did the truth justice. 

The truth. 

Han abused his son. Right in front of Rey.

Rey knew what it was like to be pushed aside. Years before becoming part of the Solos. She could make sense of absence. But it wasn’t absence that loomed over Ben. It was the crushing presence of something. 

She’d never wanted him as much as she did now. All the doubt, the nightmares that taunted desire, turned it into vicious longing, dissipated. She understood him. His pain. 

Maybe he understood hers. 

Her hips were grinding against him. Every movement was a pinprick in the deepest nerve. Sensations Rey didn’t even know were possible. He grunted into her chest, pulling her shirt off and the straps of her bra down. Her nipples were hard, so close to his lips, and his body heaved towards her, a hunger she knew. Nothing was enough. 

Rey nearly screamed when he took her nipples into his mouth, rolling his tongue against them in a way that produced equal parts ecstasy and anguish. Her realizations were slipping away. Panic over how many other women he’d driven to madness like this. 

His hands found the back of her head and he moved to kiss her lips. “Please.”

She wasn’t even sure which one of them said it. Her body gave in, emptying itself of thoughts.

He lifted her up and she wrapped her legs around him. They stumbled and fought their way to his room--his bed. Not the bed he grew up in. But it would keep their secret, too. 

His shirt came off. Then his pants, and when he grabbed at her hips and yanked her to the edge of the bed, there was desperation in his eyes. She saw that desperation in her own face on the nights she would sneak to the bathroom and wash off after hours of touching herself to thoughts of him. He kissed her stomach. When she tried to sit up he pinned her down with one hand and used the other to take off her shorts. He slid his fingers down the side of her panties and exhaled slowly when he found what was waiting for him. 

Her inner thighs were covered in wetness. Even in the lightless room, she could see when he pulled his fingers away. Overcome with the urge to feel his desire for her, she whined and bucked towards him, licking her lips. He noticed and seconds later he ripped her panties off entirely, gracelessly doing the same to his own clothes until the two of them were naked and breathing so loudly the air conditioner rattling in the corner of the room was a whisper. 

She ached without knowing what it felt like to have someone inside her. To have him . It was unbearable. 

He was entirely on top of her, looking down. His eyes held hers, blown out pupils and sweat crowding his cheeks. She wiped it away. 

No one had ever talked to her about what it would feel like. She saw enough and heard enough and tried enough on herself that the pleasure was obvious but there was also the promise of pain. The seal of her body breaking. She wanted to break all over him, no matter how much it hurt. 

He gripped her against the bed, sinking the two of them, and something hard brushed up against her thighs. If it was meant to be mercy, a last minute offering of hope before damnation, it failed. Her mind flashed with images that could have been horror or comfort, the lines were blurred. His hands on her neck. His cock inside her, like an anchor, holding them together. 

He was a matchbox and her body was desperate for fire. 

A second time, “Please.” This one clearly from her. 

She whimpered when he pressed into her entrance. Wrenching one of her wrists free, she found his cock in the dark and wrapped her entire hand around it, dizzied from the fear of what it would feel like and the excitement at being able to fit all of him inside her. To be completely full of him, no way to escape wherever he fastened them. On the bed, on the floor, against the wall, in the living room of the Solo house where she would be more than a claimed possession but a confession of what they both deserved. 

Rey, to be free of Ben, and Ben, to be free of Han. 

She guided the tip of his cock to the place where she felt him most intensely. Her eyes could barely stay open, her mouth pouring out heedless gasps. She felt drunk on the curve of his cock against her, overpowering and bottomless. Years ago she dreamed about putting his cock inside her mouth and leaving red lipstick stains on it. She thrust up into him and it was like hitting a wall. There was nowhere for him to go. But she wanted it anyway. 

Break me in half . It would be the first honest thing between them. 

He fell onto her, burying his face against her jaw, his cock still barely inside her. She wrapped her arms around his neck, slowly rocking her hips against his. She felt something tighten inside her, like a muscle contracting, and Ben groaned. So she kept doing it. He tucked his hands under her head and stayed like that. 

With each soft roll of her hips, Rey felt closer to orgasming. It didn’t feel the way it did when it was her own fingers. There was always some control there, and she let herself go at the end, allowed the orgasm to enter and then quickly leave. This was like driving on the side of a cliff. Or, rather, Ben was the one driving, and all she could do was cling to him and make prayers out of fractured breaths. 

She was getting wetter. There was sudden traction, his cock deep enough to cause real pain. Her whimpers turned to yelps and he froze in place. Finally lifting his head to meet her gaze. 

He looked haunted. Suddenly Rey felt exposed. Afraid that the whole time she’d been drowning in him, he’d been swimming away, waiting for it to be over. 

“We can stop,” she spoke through trembling lips. 

His eyes widened, and his hold on her tightened. “No. I don’t want to stop. Please don’t stop. I need you. I can’t stop.”

She squeezed again and watched him, placing her hands on either side of his face like she’d done on the couch. That was to steady herself. This was to steady him. Her fingers feathered across his lips. A whimper from him. His expression made sense. It was a broken wanting, but a wanting nonetheless. 

“I want this.” It was a crude rendering of what she meant. 

He sat up and brought her with him, his hands never leaving the back of her head. For what felt like an eternity he stared at her, and then finally: “Is what you said true? About… Silas.” 

At first she couldn’t remember what he was talking about, and then it came back. Shame along with it, for wanting to hurt someone else for hurting her. With the one thing she wanted finally becoming hers, that no longer felt inevitable. It felt cruel. 

“None of it is true.” She whispered. “It’s only you. It’s always been only you.”

Something softened in his face, but his grip remained. 

“It’s always been only you.” He echoed her. And she knew it was a lie. It must be a lie. But the fact that he was willing to say it for her was a different kind of honesty. One she needed just as much. 

Adjusting herself on his lap, she found his cock again. It was softer but he took hold of her hips and guided them down. She waited for him to do more. He was edging inside her like earlier, but only if she pressed down into him. This must be nothing like the other times. And maybe that’s what he meant. His demands were gone. She was in control. 

So she went slowly, unsure of what anything was supposed to be like. It was easy to fantasize about roughness, but they were looking at each other. Everything was still. This was a choice , not a mistake. 

Rey closed her eyes, expecting the pain soon. There was pressure and soreness, but nothing like a seal breaking. It was hard to tell how deep he was without any hints from him. She opened her eyes and saw that he was studying her, holding his breath. The anchor she was searching for. 

He let out the breath slowly when she got close to the base of his cock. The pressure was a secondary sensation to the buzzing in her fingers and toes. She slid back up a bit and went down again. His eyes fluttered closed and his mouth opened, head falling back. Seeing him like that, unmasked, made her momentarily forget that she was losing something she could never take back. She moved up and down again. 

“Wait,” he choked out. “I don’t… have condoms.”

Embarrassment washed over her. Something she should have known to ask. A wave of nausea followed, wondering if he’d used up all his condoms on someone else recently. 

The spell should have broken. She waited for familiar feelings to take hold, but it was hard to make a rejection out of this. The way he held her, the way he wouldn’t look away, all of it was uncharted ground. 

“Don’t go.” 

It wasn’t breaking for him either. 

She did as instructed, but it wasn’t a rule. 

They stayed sitting on the bed like that for some amount of time. The sun dipped a bit in the window. Rey remembered that she left work in the middle of a shift. “Shit…” she mumbled. 

He held her tighter. “What is it?”

“I was at work…”

“Are you going to leave?”

Nothing about what she did or didn’t have to do. Just a question. 

“I don’t want to get fired.” Without the coffee shop, she would just be an eighteen year old with no direction in life. A prophecy fulfilled. For the first time, she could see beyond the next day. Ben was always in the way, but not because he was stopping her. Because she couldn’t be--couldn’t think --without him. 

“I’ll help you get dressed.” His face remained soft. Maybe a bit curious about what she might say in response. That was something entirely new. 

He didn’t let her climb off him. Instead he slid off the bed and wrapped her legs around his lower back, lifting them both up with ease. Whatever had broken between them, it was now impossible to peel themselves apart. 

Just as she was leaning in for a kiss, his face went cold. 

“That’s not my shirt.” 

She didn’t understand, so she tried to pull his chin towards her but he fought it. The curiosity in his face was replaced with dread, and then, slowly, venom. 

“That’s not my shirt and that’s not your shirt and that’s not Finn’s fucking shirt because he doesn’t wear asshole sweaters.” 

He dropped her unceremoniously. 

“Who’s fucking shirt is that, Rey?”

The steamer wand sputtered in her hand. Water flew into her eyes. 

One of her co-workers, a junior at Coruscant University named Sara, laughed. “Time for a break?”

“My shift just started.”

“If you need.” She gestured towards her lips. Sara had been Rey’s connect for the past few weeks. It was nice buying weed from anyone who wasn’t a man. She’d stopped smoking after Silas but nowadays, with Ben always staying over at Holly’s and no word from Han, Leia, and even Poe, there wasn’t much else to fill the silence. Rose and Finn were busy with midterms. Everyone had something to do, somewhere to be, except for Rey. 

She nodded slowly, making a mental note to smoke so much tonight that she wouldn’t be able to remember falling asleep. 

-----------------------------------------------------------

“I’ll take one Pumpkin Spook. Iced, please.”

Rey punched in the order, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. Now that she’d been working at the coffee shop for a few months, their business model was apparent. Pick up on trends, overcharge students, come up with different names for the same things. Pumpkin Spook was the latest victim. A Pumpkin Spice Latte with a foam pumpkin instead of a foam leaf. 

No one could make the pumpkin right, so it ended up being a blob covered in cinnamon and chocolate flakes. 

But everyone loved it. 

Especially Holly. She came in every day. 

For the most part Rey was able to avoid her. Sara noticed some tension one day and took pity on her, stepping in to take Holly’s order whenever she came around. Rey liked that Sara didn’t ask any questions. It almost reminded her of working with Silas. Except Sara wasn’t sending her annoying texts every week, asking when they could ‘ talk, just talk ’. 

Rey never wanted to talk to him again. 

She was working alone for the first hour of today, which wasn’t the worst on a Wednesday morning after midterms. There was a lull in customers so Rey made herself an iced Americano. 

At some point she needed to call Ben and ask him for the landlord’s info. The hot water was never actually hot. It was still his apartment, even if he was always at Holly’s. She’d tried contacting him a few times but he never picked up. He wasn’t the only one. Poe’s roadtrip extended past the summer and he stopped calling. Last time they spoke, he was bouncing around from hostel to hostel, using other people’s phones to contact her. He was probably caught up in some adventure. 

Rose never had more than a few minutes to chat or text. She promised to update Rey about everything over Thanksgiving break. It felt so far away, but Rey didn’t know how to ask for more so she did her best to survive off their fleeting interactions. 

Finn was another story entirely. 

He’d been so enthusiastic about moving in together, but he forgot to check listings she sent him or show up sometimes when they planned to meet up and talk about it. Another thing Rey didn’t know how to ask for, so she pretended to understand. 

A customer walked in. 

Holly’s blond hair now had a streak of pink in it. Rey overheard her talking about some kind of sorority event as the reason. There was no one to shield her. Holly walked up with a fake smile. 

“I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.” Her voice was so fucking loud all the time. 

“What can I get for you?”

“Oh, hmm. I don’t know! Have you tried the Pumpkin Spook? Is it any good?”

If no one was around to see her pour hot milk on Holly’s pink hair, could she be fired? She would settle for upcharging her. “It’s great.”

“I’ll take a 20 ounce. Iced. I need the caffeine after last night.” She gave Rey a secretive smile, as if Rey knew what she meant. And part of her could guess. Rey started making the drink immediately, forgetting to ring up Holly. She banged the grinder on the counter, packing the espresso grounds into it. Holly kept talking about something but Rey tuned her out. 

“Oh, shit! I forgot my wallet.” 

“I can cover you.” 

Holly stepped aside and Rey saw the person behind her who offered. 

Bazine looked different. Tan, shorter hair, more makeup than Rey had ever seen her wear. She looked confident .

“You’re so sweet. Are you sure?”

“Rey.” Bazine smiled. “What a surprise.”

Holly looked between the two of them, not unlike the way Rey had seen her do countless times with her sorority sisters whenever they came into the coffee shop. 

“You know Rey? Oh my god, so cute.” Holly gestured between the three of them. 

What was Bazine doing here? She didn’t have any family here. As far as Rey knew, she didn’t go to Cor, and unless Holly and Ben broke up she wasn’t here to see Ben. Unless she was … 

Rey had one weapon and she didn’t wait to fire it. “That’s Ben’s ex-girlfriend.”

The room was spinning. She wanted to disappear. Not just from the view of everyone else, but from herself. There was too much going on to stay inside her body and endure it. 

Holly and Bazine were chatting with each other. Smiling. Laughing. The weapon didn’t work. They mosied over to the counter where Rey slammed Holly’s drink down. 

“...That’s so funny. I’ve been so worried about it.”

“Oh, no, do not feel any type of way. It was a problem for us, too. He started seeing a therapist but I don’t know what happened with that.” 

“He’s not seeing one now .” Holly rolled her eyes playfully. 

“Well I hope it works out. It’s so weird, guys always act like it matters more to them but it’s like--hello? I like sex too?” Bazine laughed. 

“Your drink is READY.”

Bazine leaned in towards Rey. “How are things? You graduated, right? You look good.” 

I fucked your ex-boyfriend . No, that wasn’t entirely true. I fucked your ex-boyfriend who is also technically my brother . 

It had been a long time since Rey acknowledged the latter. As far as she was concerned, the Solos stopped being her family the day she moved out. But to Bazine and Holly and everyone else, Ben was her brother . No matter how incoherent that word was at describing what they actually were to each other. Strangers was closer to the truth now. 

“Yeah.” There was nothing else to say. Hurting people because they hurt her still felt cruel, even if Ben was not hers. That was one realization Rey held on to. It was the only proof she had, in the end, of what happened between them.

“Good, I’m glad you’re good. And,” Bazine turned to Holly, “just talk to him. I know it’s awkward but you’ll figure it out I’m sure.” 

“Wow, you’re just so sweet . I can’t believe he broke up with you. Is that weird to say?”

Bazine shrugged. “It was mutual. Besides, I always got the feeling that he was… somewhere else.” 

Rey grabbed the iced Americano she made herself and drank half of it at once. The espresso was bitter again today. She ground the ice against her teeth and waited for the earth to crack open and swallow Holly and Bazine. 

Sara emerged from the back, tying her apron on. She gave Rey a worried look. “Do you, uhh, need to step out for a sec?” 

Rey finished the rest of her drink and left without a word. 

As soon as she stepped outside, she gasped for air. Mid-October was usually still warm but today it was chilly. Rey’s t-shirt was useless to stop the goosebumps forming. She took out her phone and tried not to shake too much as she pulled up Ben’s contact, calling him. 

Ringing. Ringing. Ringing. 

Nothing.

She tried again. 

Ringing. What were Holly and Bazine talking about? Ringing. Why wouldn’t 

Ben fucking speak to her? Ringing. He couldn’t do this forever. 

Nothing. 

“Fuck you!” She yelled into the phone. His answering machine inbox was full. 

Fine, then, she would go find him and make him talk to her . 

She crashed into someone coming out of the coffee shop. 

“Sorry--oh my god. Poe !” She hugged him fiercely. “I can’t believe you’re here.” Finn must have told him where she was working. She mumbled into his chest, “I missed you.” 

But something was wrong. He wasn’t hugging her back. 

She pulled away. His face was frozen. Not the warm, friendly Poe she knew. 

“Is everything okay?” Her heart started pounding. 

Poe blinked. “Yeah. Hi, Rey. I missed you too.” 

“What’s going on? Why haven’t I heard from you?” Her voice was light-hearted but Poe saw through it. He frowned. “Rey, I…”

Bazine stepped out of the shop. “I was wondering where you ran off to.”

Rey realized that Poe was holding two coffee cups. Bazine took one of them from him and placed her other hand on his shoulder. “Thanks.”

Poe tried to say something but Rey was already pushing past him. She shoved the door open and walked straight up to Holly, who was sitting with a few friends, probaby gossiping about Ben. 

“Put my name on the list.” 

“What?” 

“The Halloween party. Put my name on the list.” 

Ben was never hers. Why wasn’t that cruel? Why did she have to play by different rules? If everyone else on this fucking planet could play with her emotions, she would stop holding back. She would do the same.

Chapter Text

The line was long. 

Groups of friends huddled around bottles they passed between them. Most of the costumes were barely passable as clothes.

Holly wasn’t joking about the list. Two people blocked the doorway, vetting everyone. 

The house itself was bigger than anything she’d ever seen. There were pillars in the entranceway and lights strung along the windows, a balcony above the front door, and a wide, crescent-shaped driveway. 

She bought a cheap fairy costume from a drug store. It was technically a children’s size, but any worry about the hemline lifting if she moved was replaced with the worry that, if anything, the costume was too much fabric.

Still, it wasn’t the exposure that made her feel like a woman tonight. It was the simmering anger. No need for dark red lipstick anymore. 

“Name.” 

“Rey.”

“Last name?”

She winced. “Solo.”

“This way.” 

Everyone else was entering through the front door but she was ushered around the side of the house. She tried to get her escort’s attention but he never turned around to look at her. 

“Wait here.” 

The backyard was covered in lights, obscuring the night sky. Purple, green, and white streaks hung over the tables and kegs. She was alone back here. All of the noise was coming from inside the house.

“Rey Solo?” 

A young man stepped out of the house, dressed as a baseball player. 

“Is there a problem?” If he said yes, she would leave. She would forget the entire thing and never speak to Poe or Ben ever again. At least the numbness would set in faster that way. 

“Not at all. I’m your mystery date. Nice to meet you.” He smiled, pointing to his nametag which had some greek letters Rey didn’t recognize. 

“Mino.” She read the name out loud. 

“That’s my Brother Name. My real name is Jackson.”

“What’s it mean?” 

“It’s short for something. Shall we?” He held out his arm. 

She thought of leaving again. It was easier than seeing this through. But his eyes were undeniably pretty and his arms were bigger than Ben’s and the combination of these things and her walking into the party on his arm would get someone’s attention. Ben wouldn’t be far behind. 

“I like tequila.” She took his arm. 

“Noted.”

-----------------------------------------

For how big the house looked, it still managed to hold twice as many people as Rey thought possible. Each side of the main room had a bar with bottles that she didn’t recognize, some glowed in the dark. In the middle of everything was an ice sculpture that people crowded around, some squatting in front of it with their mouths open. The music vibrated her chest. Mino walked up to her with two shots and slices of lime. 

“As requested, Tinkerbell.”

She took the shot without the lime. From the corner of her eye, she saw him watching her lips. Something familiar roared in her chest. 

“Want mine too?”

He was hungry for her already. And she needed someone to agitate Ben, whenever he showed up, so she guided the shot glass to his lips. “Keep up.”

The alcohol set in quickly. Mino was a good dancer. Rey let him twirl her around and shield her from the crowds of people bumping past them. With all the lights above them, Rey found herself momentarily slipping into relief. Her body ached. It was nice to be anonymous. Even if she came here to make herself known. 

Towards the front of the room there was a stage. Giant greek letters painted with skulls and coffins all over them. A podium. And two cages flanking either side, currently empty. 

“What are those?” She shouted at Mino over the pounding music. 

“Dancers.” He shook his hips jokingly. “Obviously not me.”

“More tequila.” 

He obliged, coming back a few minutes later with two double shots. 

“We can hit the Ice Luge if you want.” 

“What?” She leaned in to hear him better. He put his hand on her lower back, and something flared inside her again. Her nipples were hardening against the thin green fabric of her dress. In the criss-cross of the lights, Mino could have been Ben. 

He pointed to the ice sculpture and Rey realized that people were taking shots from it. 

Tossing back the doubleshot, she suppressed a gag and took his hand, leading them over. 

There was a line forming. 

Mino put his arm up above the crowd and waved at someone else who let them cut to the front. It was a guy with the same greek letters on his nametag. “Hot girls don’t wait.” He winked at her. Suddenly Rey pictured slamming his head against the ice. Something about his attention was insidious. She wasn’t in control of it. 

“Go, go, go!” Mino pressed her shoulders down gently. The shot was being poured down the top of the sculpture and traveled straight to her mouth. She almost missed it. 

“That’s disgusting.” 

“You get used to it.” He laughed. 

“Oh my goooooood you came!”

Holly’s pink hair was gone. The entire thing was platinum, along with her angel costume. Her halo was already bent. She flung her arms around Rey and giggled. Appraising Rey’s costume, she nudged Mino. “So hot.”

Your boyfriend thinks so, too . Rey pinched herself while she forced a smile. “I know.”

Holly gawked. “Bold, babe. Okay, you’ve gotta come see our couple’s costume!” 

Rey gripped Mino’s arm. 

Ben was standing under a strobe light, the red and black of his costume reminding Rey of his childhood room. His eyes were darkened with makeup, his cheeks hollowed out with the same black charcoal color. The Devil horns were visible only when the light passed over him. 

He turned to her and she braced for the spear of his stare. 

Holly posed next to him, clearly waiting for praise. 

“What are--” Ben started, his eyes traveling to Mino, clearing his throat. But something shifted in him and he nodded at the two of them. “Nice costumes.” 

Nice costumes ? She stared at him, waiting for the slightest flinch, any betrayal of the jealous rage she wanted him to unleash. Holly handed Rey and Mino drinks. Ben didn’t even look down at the cup. 

She felt a trickle of embarrassment, like swallowing a stone.. She hadn’t seen or heard from him in months. The obvious assumption was that he was avoiding her. But…he was looking right at her . Through her. He wasn’t avoiding. He didn’t care. 

And again Rey was reeling from the whiplash. It cut through her buzz. 

“Are you having fun?” Holly winked at Rey, dancing to the music. 

Mino tapped his cup against hers and took a sip. She followed suit. Her tongue burned on the drink. 

“Fireball.” Holly grinned. “Isn’t Mino a great date?”

Ben snorted, his face partially obscured by the cup he’d just drank from. 

“Think my name’s funny, do you?” Mino spoke in a British accent. Rey didn’t understand the reference. 

“It’s short for something.” Holly gave Rey a devious look. 

“Short for what?” Ben was still casual. 

“Minotaur.” Holly giggled. “Because he has a huge dick.” 

Ben choked on his drink. Finally, a crack in the armor. “How many drinks have you had?” The Old Ben resurfaced. 

“Not enough!” Holly answered for her. 

“You should… Are… Are you…” He tried on different words, settling on, “Your costume is small.” It was cowardly. 

“Your costume is accurate.” Grabbing Mino’s hand, she pulled them back into the crowd. 

------------------------------------------------

Rey found a room away from the crowds. There were small trays of food and bottles of water scattered along banquet style tables. Some people were sitting on the windowsills, making out or crying. Picking at the food, Rey assembled a small plate and slowly ate olives. 

“Never thought I’d see you at a frat party.” 

Poe appeared next to her, his hair slicked back and the sleeves of his white t-shirt folded over, one side holding a pack of cigarettes. He smiled at her in a way that made Rey want to dump the entire tray of olives on him. 

“So you’re talking to me now?”

“I was never not talking to you.”

“Right. Sorry. I must have confused you disappearing for months and showing back up with Bazine for something else.” 

“You know, I was hoping those tequila shots warmed you up but I can see that was wishful thinking.” 

“Excuse me?”

He held up his hands. “I was bartending.”

“And watching me, apparently.”

“You’re hard to miss. Tinkerbell .”

She knew Poe well enough to know he was flirting. This was her chance. But the fire was gone. Ben’s underwhelming reaction to seeing her for the first time since they basically had sex was… wearing off on her. Or maybe it was the alcohol removing all her urgency. Why was she bothering with pain when pleasure felt better? 

“Is it true that you asked me to prom over a bet?” 

Poe looked startled. He plucked an olive off her plate and chewed it thoughtfully. “Yeah.” 

“You’re an asshole.”

“But not because of prom.” He observed, picking up on her double meaning. 

She watched his mouth as he chewed, thinking about Bazine’s newfound confidence. Was it from being with Poe? There was a time where Ben would have torn apart the walls to stop her from talking to Poe, but now here they all were. At a party. With alcohol. Ben, off with his girlfriend. Poe, probably dating Ben’s ex-girlfriend. And Rey, caught in the middle of it all, good enough to be a secret but not good enough to be Bazine. 

Poe was her friend. Poe was hot. Poe called Bazine when he wouldn’t call her. Poe didn’t come to the coffee shop that day to see Rey. He was surprised. Just like Ben, he didn’t care . 

Pleasure or pain? 

Stopping Poe’s wrist as he reached for another olive, she pulled him towards her and went in for a kiss.

Which he stopped by placing his entire hand on her face. 

Embarrassment wasn’t enough to categorize the deep and sudden drop in her stomach. Had she misread his flirtation? Had she just done something horrible? 

“Hey, hey, hey,” Poe lowered his hand and squared her shoulders. “Stop. Whatever it is you’re thinking, stop.” 

The sounds from the main room were too much. Lights, music, endless vibrations. She needed stillness. She needed to disappear. “I have to go.”

“No you don’t. You have to stay here and talk to me.” Poe sighed. “Look, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry for which thing? Ignoring me? Dating my brother’s ex-girlfriend?”

“Dating? I’m not dating Bazine.”

“Fucking.” 

“I’m definitely not fucking Bazine either. Rey, Bazine and I are friends.”

“When did that happen?”

“After your shithead brother broke her heart.”

The mention of Ben mounted her frustration. “So you’re better friends with Bazine?” Than me . Once upon a time she told Poe she loved him, in a friend way. Was it possible to take that back?

“Bazine… gets me. She gets what I’m going through right now.”

“Which is what?” 

“Rey.” Her name sounded thorny in his mouth. “When I was gone, I… missed you.” 

“I can really tell.” 

“Stop. I really missed you. Like, a lot. And Bazine has helped me… not miss you.”

“It sounds like you’re fucking her.” 

“If you’re going to be like this, I’m going to get more tequila. Did you try to kiss me because you wanted to or did you do it to upset someone else?”

“I don’t…” Rey trailed off, her cheeks burning. Why was he so concerned with her motives? It’s not like any of it mattered. She didn’t make a dent in the lives of those around her. Finn wouldn’t move in with her. Rose never had time to talk. Ben ran off as soon as he took her virginity. There was nowhere to turn without being reflected back as nothing. 

“Since we’re on the subject of being a shitty friend, when were you going to tell me that you’re living with Ben?”

“Shut up.” Pressure was building behind her eyes. Poe had no right to turn this on her. 

“ This is why I didn’t call you. When you’re around him, you lose yourself.” 

Someone fell through the door, the sounds of the main room momentarily pouring in along with them. It was Holly, openly sobbing, clutching her halo. As soon as she spotted Rey, she let out another sob. 

“I just don’t get it !” She took the napkin out from under Rey’s forgotten plate and used it to blow her nose. “I do everything he wants. Do you know how many guys would date me? I just don’t--” Noticing Poe, Holly sniffled and fluttered her hand at him. 

Poe gave her an incredulous look but he slowly backed off. Rey tried to catch his eye but he was already walking away. Holly kept crying loudly. She folded the napkin over and over again in her hands, mascara streaking all over her face. “I try to talk to him about it but he just ignores me and keeps drinking and drinking. He… he doesn’t even like me, Rey!”

Poe left behind a drink and Rey didn’t waste time finishing it. Holly was out of her depth. Then again, so was Rey. Anyone who tried to understand Ben was balancing on the edge of a cliff, wondering if they took a step forward would they fall. The answer was obvious. 

Holly blubbered, smearing her mascara as she tried to wipe her tears away. “He won’t have sex with me. He won’t even touch me when we’re alone.” 

That couldn’t be right. Ben was with Holly to touch her. Just like Bazine. 

“He’s always so touchy feely in groups of people but the second we’re alone he’s…. So cold. Bazine said it was the same for them.”

All lies. Or exaggerations. It was impossible. Rey saw herself in Holly’s clamoring, her desperation. It was nauseating but she couldn’t escape. Neither of them could. 

“He’s going to therapy but it’s like, I don’t fucking care about your childhood shit. I want to know why you don’t want to touch me !” She looked up at Rey. “Sorry. You know what I mean.”

Peeling Holly off her, Rey steadied herself, realizing at that moment how much she’d been drinking. Or maybe it was the straight vodka in Poe’s abandoned cup. Either way, the longer she listened to Holly complain about things that didn’t make sense, the harder it would be to stop herself from marching right up to Ben and doing… something. Punching him. Kissing him. 

“I tried to make tonight perfect. I invited you, I got you a mystery date. I wore a fucking thong. In this dress!” 

What if it wasn’t the alcohol? “Are you telling the truth?”

“I just can’t stand when he--wait, what? Why would I lie about something so embarrassing? You don’t get it because you’re a virgin. I can tell.” 

It wasn’t Han or Leia or Luke or anyone else she’d almost confessed to, but it finally felt right. Holly should know. Everyone should know. If Rey was going to be a nobody, she wouldn’t go quietly. 

“Actually I’m not. Ben and I--”

Someone screamed in the main room. The music stopped. People poured in, huddled over their phones. Reflexive panic drove Rey away from Holly, towards the screaming. Lights cut across faces, sweaty and nameless, until she saw the source of the commotion. 

Ben was towering over somebody, pummeling their face in. 

She flung herself into the crowd. Blood was coming from the person’s face, and Rey recognized his costume. 

“Ben! Ben, Ben, Ben .”

It wasn’t coming from her. Poe pushed through sooner, grabbing Ben’s arms and yanking him away with all his strength. “We need to leave now. Now. Let’s go.”

They disappeared out of view. Mino was balled up on the floor, trying fruitlessly to get up, refusing help from any of his Brothers. Rey heard them talking about the police and she was brought back to Silas’ apartment. The door hinges breaking clean off. The fear of Ben being taken away from her forever. 

At some point the room filled back up. The music kept going. Rey didn’t move, didn’t even remember blinking, until Mino came up to her. He was holding an ice pack to his face. 

“You’re blacklisted.” 

Rey didn’t know what that meant but she could guess, judging by his sneer. Desire could so quickly turn to rage. That wasn’t something unique to her and Ben. 

He watched her until she stepped out the front door. No one was outside. She couldn’t remember how to walk back or if she had her phone. It was cold and raining. Wrapping her arms around herself, she set off down the street. 

Too many things tried to pass through the tiny window of her mind, which was already cloudy from drinking. Poe, Holly, the blood, Ben disappearing out of view. Her head pounded. 

Surprised to find something in her pocket that felt like a phone, she shakily dialed Rose. No answer. She tried Finn next, and after a few rings his voice came through. 

“Hey, sorry I haven’t had the chance to look at the listings you sent me! Oh--wait, I want one too,” he seemed to be talking to someone else, “yeah, yeah great, okay, Rey! Rey. I’ll look tomorrow. Rey, say something.” 

Her own sobs were indiscernible from the rain around her. 

“What’s going on?” A question she never had an answer to. 

“Can you come get me?”

-----------------------------------------------------------

Rey waited outside the door, her tights already itchy. 

Finn’s parents were out of town visiting his sick grandfather, and Finn flew back early so he could spend the holiday with Rey and Rose. Given how much time he spent with his family, Rey was surprised that he made the sacrifice. Part of her wished he hadn’t. It was awkward being around him. He didn’t come by the coffee shop anymore. He never checked the listings she sent. He’d stopped responding entirely to her texts about it. 

A stark difference from the Finn who wanted to help her get away from Ben the very first night she had to stay with him. Or the Finn who picked her up from the Halloween party a month ago. That’s how it was with them these days. Unspoken things. 

The door opened and Rey instantly smelled cinnamon and apples. The only other time she’d been there was years ago. It occurred to Rey that she still didn’t have different answers for the question’s Finn’s mom asked her back then.

Finn was wearing a sweater with a giant turkey embroidered on it.

“You look stunning in green.” He offered her a glass of wine. “You’re already behind. Rose and I have been drinking for two hours.” 

She felt a pang of jealousy, unaware that Rose was here early. Did they cook together? It seemed like the kind of thing a family would do. Rey wasn’t family. She was a guest. 

Rose was in the kitchen, piping frosting onto a gingerbread cookie. She looked much thinner than the last time Rey saw her. And sleepless. When she saw Rey, though, she threw the piping bag down and broke into a smile, rushing to hug her. 

“Oh my god! I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe we’re all here.” She was beaming, but the exhaustion cut through it all. Rey wasn’t sure how to process the equal parts concern, excitement, and anxiety swirling inside her. She tried to smile but her voice cracked. “I missed you.”

Rose frowned. “What is it? Is Finn being a shitty friend? He does that sometimes.” She fed Rey a gingerbread cookie. It was warm against her lips, a smooth distraction from the shock of Rose’s ability to be so direct. Rey hadn’t been able to say that for months . And in one minute, Rose did it for her. 

Rey chewed on the gingerbread cookie, waiting for anyone but her to speak. 

“Wait, is that true? Are you upset with me?” Finn took off an oven mitt and tossed it behind him. It landed in the sink and Rose fished it out, a sour look on her face. 

“The wine is good.” Rey gulped it down. 

Finn took the glass from her. “The wine can wait. What’s wrong?”

She wanted to partake in their lightheartedness. She didn’t want to bring conflict into a holiday that was fraught with conflict. Holidays were a fight, whether it was silent or out loud. But Finn’s shock frustrated her. Their entire friendship had changed. It wasn’t hard to see that. It wasn’t like Finn to put on a show for other people, but he’d always been concerned with how Rose saw him. Rey glanced between the two of them, picturing the hours they spent in the kitchen without her. Laughing and drinking wine. The hours Poe spent with Bazine, Ben with Holly. 

“I mean, it’s not that hard to guess.” Confronting Finn was like hurting a baby bird. Not because he was fragile, but because Rey was afraid that he would fly away. 

He scrunched up his eyebrows, struggling to say something. Rose patted his back gently and Rey felt a flare of anger. More things they shared that she could never have. Comfort. Silent understanding. Gentle things that had no place in Rey’s life. “Why did you even invite me?” 

“Alright, I’m going into the living room and watching a YouTube video. By the time I get back, I assume we will all be friends again. I need us to be friends.” Rose gave Finn what looked like a warning in her gaze. 

The two of them were alone now. Something Finn had been avoiding for months. 

He wouldn’t look at her. Rey thought about leaving but where would she go? Han and Leia’s house was still across the street and she didn’t want to even chance running into anyone, or worse, seeing that they had guests over. The trial hadn’t gone public yet. Surely they still had friends--Amilyn and her family, maybe Luke was invited now that he had something they wanted. She pictured Luke in the dining room, his usual casual suit attire replaced by a nice button up and combed hair. No tape recorder or notepad in sight. Smiling up at his sister. 

Their faces morphed. Luke became Ben and Leia should have become Rey but she didn’t. Leia’s face was empty.

“Do you like my sweater?”

Rey’s head snapped up, realizing that she’d been staring at the floor. He was trying to diffuse the tension. It used to feel like a kindness but in that moment it felt dismissive. There was a problem. Rose was right. 

“I don’t want to talk about your sweater.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

To ask for something she didn’t feel worthy of. 

The night she called him, he came. No questions, no judgments, no hesitations. The carousel of excuses he’d been doling out stopped spinning. He picked her up. He didn’t leave her behind. 

But one moment wasn’t the same thing as a friendship.

“Why you ditched me after Han and Leia kicked me out.”

He winced. With nothing in his hand to fidget with, he started bouncing on the balls of his feet. “That’s not…. Exactly how I remember it.” 

“What do you remember?”

Silence. 

“Okay yeah I do remember that. I’m…. I’m really sorry , Rey. I knew you needed me and I thought I could be there for you but I…. umm.” He swiped something off the counter. A wine cork? “I don’t want to move out. That probably makes no sense to you.” He laughed nervously. 

Rey was skeptical of his clean answer. “Why wouldn’t that make sense to me?”

“Because….. Umm….” His face was pinched like he’d eaten a tablespoon of lemon juice. “You uhh, well, you don’t h--you don’tlikeyourfamily.”

She laughed, in slight disbelief. “I don’t have a family. That’s what you were going to say.” Finn was not hurtful by nature. Which could only mean that he was being honest, and that made it more painful. An observation. Rey, the nobody. 

“I did almost say that, but I stopped because I realized that’s not true. Han and Leia and Ben have never treated you the way you deserve to be treated. There’s so much pain there. But Rey, I don’t…..know what that’s like. I like my family.” He looked guiltier than she’d ever seen him. “How could I say no when you told me you needed a roommate?”

“Why did you stop coming around to the coffee shop?” 

He put the cork down delicately, revealing how badly he shredded it. “Because I avoid confrontation. That’s what Rose tells me.”

“You two have really gotten close.” 

“I haven’t heard from her in over two months. She showed up here a few hours ago in tears.”

Rey had been prepared to say something else about how they could have at least told her not to come, but his reply caught her off-guard. “What do you mean?”

“It’s not for me to say. She’ll share, I’m sure. But Rose isn’t doing well. And neither are you.” He added the last part with sadness. Directing the blame to himself. As much as Rey felt the impulse to let him stew in the worry that he was the source of her problems--not because it was true, but because feeling guilty meant he was thinking about her--the knot in her stomach wouldn’t go away like that. She had to unfurl it, slowly. 

“There’s something I need to tell you.” It felt right to blurt it out to Holly because Holly was a footnote. Finn was all over the page, even in absence. Telling him didn’t feel wrong --it felt scary. But it was the only way to unfurl the knot. 

Rose came back into the kitchen, looking between them suspiciously. “Are we all friends again?” 

It wasn’t just exhaustion or spotty eating. It couldn’t be. “You’re not okay.” Rey made the observation, not because Finn already said it but because it finally clicked. 

Rose’s smile cracked. She started crying. Before Rey could think of the right thing to say, to ask, Rose enveloped her in a hug. Rose wasn’t like Finn. She never needed words to feel wanted. Rey lifted her arms and placed them softly around her friend, but as she shook, Rey’s grip tightened. And like magic, the harder she held on, the calmer Rose became. Eventually she was breathing mildly against her shoulder. Finn was around them as well. Rey thought of the last time the three of them were together, dropping Rose off for college. What she told Rose. I love you.

Three words that still stung like nettles caught in her hands. It felt like a destination when she said it, but now she wondered if it was only a beginning. If loving someone was so much more than the moment you acknowledged it out loud. 

The sun set. The food was getting cold. They heated everything up in the microwave and used the special china to set the table. Rose showed them how to fold napkins like a fancy restaurant, which she’d learned from the YouTube video. When they realized the center of the turkey was still raw, Rey and Rose made fun of Finn as he fussed with the oven until giving up. They piled their plates high with mashed potatoes and nothing else. 

And even though it started out like the tense, lonely holidays Rey was used to, by the end of it she never felt more at home. 

----------------------------------------------------------

The rideshare dropped her off outside Ben’s apartment. None of them were sober enough to drive and Rey didn’t want to rock the boat yet by telling Rose what was happening with her living arrangement. The driver played EDM remixes very loudly, which was kind of nice because it drowned out her thoughts. By the time she reached the apartment door, her mind was blank and her stomach was full and she carried the remnants of a new feeling. 

Trying her key, she realized the door was already unlocked.

The ceiling was half covered in lights, like someone had a vision and then gave up. In the center of the living room was a fold out table with a cheap cloth over it. Paper plates and silverware set for two. The most surprising of all, Ben, standing in the kitchen, balancing three trays on his forearms as he wobbled over to the table. 

“Am I dreaming?” Rey blurted out. It wasn’t a stretch. She had a lot of wine.

Ben placed everything down and faced her, awkwardly smoothing his button up shirt. It must have been new, or relatively new considering how little she saw him. The deep blue flattered his hair, which had gotten longer. 

“You’re not dreaming.” He spoke simply. No stewing double meaning. His eyes didn’t leave her face. 

Embarrassment washed over her. “Is this supposed to be for Holly? I just assumed--you’re never home…”

“It’s not for Holly.” 

She put down the tupperware of leftovers Finn sent her with, increasingly bewildered. 

“Did you get arrested?” The last time she saw him… 

A strange sound came from Ben, one she had almost no experience with. A laugh. “No.”

“Luke bailed you out.” Rey guessed, the shock wearing off a bit and turning into the worry that something bad was about to happen. 

Ben looked down for a moment, hiding his expression. Collecting himself. When he looked back up at her, there was a hint of desperation but he pushed through it. “I broke up with Holly.” 

Her cheeks burned from the wine. “Ben.” 

He straightened at the sound of his name, like a rabbit hearing a twig snap. Suddenly Rey felt ashamed for saying it. Maybe she was ashamed of feeling relieved. For wondering if all of this was… a gesture. All the new feelings from earlier tonight were mixing in with age old confusions and hurts. He punched Mino. He dated Holly. 

He never touched Holly. 

“I have to know something.” 

“Can you ask me after we eat? It’s getting cold.” 

“No. I have to know it now.” 

He sat down in one of the two fold out chairs. “Please, Rey.” 

She shouldn’t have lingered on the rupture in his voice. She shouldn’t have put her curiosity over her own needs, but that was the oldest habit she had with Ben. It was the reason he was able to create rules between them in the first place. 

Taking the other seat, she loaded her plate silently. Instead of watching him--waiting for permission--she ignored him until he said something. 

But he didn’t say anything. Not through the first plate or the second plate or even after he brought over a sad looking pie, the apples clearly still raw. 

Finally Rey dropped her fork and broke her own rule. “What the hell is going on?”

He was hunched over his plate, shoulders shaking silently. The high from comforting Rose earlier made it easy to imagine herself wrapping her arms around him, but she couldn’t. Every part of her was pinned to the chair, doomed to watch Ben Solo do the one thing she never thought she’d see him do. 

“He’s guilty.” Ben muttered between gasps. “He’s fucking guilty. All of it. I should have known….” he cursed, slamming his fist on the table. But his face didn’t have a hint of anger. Only fear. “I didn’t tell Luke but I…. I should have.” 

“Tell him what?” Rey was breathless, her limbs slowly coming back. 

His lip trembled, perhaps on the cusp of an answer, but it never came. He shook harder, his sobs audible now. 

The sound released her. She was out of her chair and standing over him seconds later, lacing her arms around his wide shoulders. There was nothing explosive about the contact, though. It was like a blanket putting out a fire. Ben wasn’t the fire, he was the thing burning. 

She guided his body over to the couch and set him down, keeping her arms wrapped around him. He held her back, hiding his face away. She didn’t need to see it to understand that this was his barest self. Or as close as he would allow anyone to it. 

She didn’t think of leaving. Not for one second the entire night. Not even after the sun came up on them still on the couch, in the same position.

Chapter Text

The gym was packed. 

Gold and black decorations piled everywhere.

Between the track lines were tiny piles of snow, melting quickly from the heat of so many bodies. As more people arrived and shuffled about, mud streaked across the linoleum. Shitty 90s music blared from giant speakers in the corners. Each one probably cost more than everything Rey owned right now. Coruscant High never had speakers like that.

But this wasn’t Coruscant High. 

Rey gripped the coffee pot she just refilled, walking it steadily back over to the table. Students laughed and took pictures, dancing to the music. They left a mess of stirrers and napkins on the booth table. Rey stared blankly, wondering what it would be like if she had heat vision like Cyclops. Would she be able to slice through the walls of the gym in mere seconds? Or maybe it would be better to have invisibility. She could march right into whatever super secret vault they have on campus, wherever they stored all the tuition, and just set it free. 

“Rey!” 

Finn interrupted her, dramatically dropping to his knees, t-shirt soaking from the laps he just ran. The fantasy of the gym in flames slipped away. He’d already come by twice so Rey knew what he was about to ask her. She tried to scurry away but he caught her arm. “I still haven’t found anyone.” He pouted.

“There’s literally hundreds of people.” 

Coruscant University did the New Year’s Eve 24-hour charity event every year, and the campus coffee shops were the first choice for providing caffeine. Her boss was hovering, having strict ideas about her talking to students. Rey lowered her head, pretending to be engrossed in the slow drip of coffee before her. 

“You’re supposed to be supportive.” 

Rey tried to ignore him, still feeling her boss watching. He huffed. “I’m gonna get Rose.” 

“No need.” Rose popped up behind Finn, a gold and black boa around her neck. “How exactly is this going to help my mental health?” She waved the ends of her boa around, matching Finn’s pout, except for the sweat. Every hair on her head was perfectly pulled back into a bun. Nothing out of place.

“Meeting people. Enjoying yourself. Finding your new year’s kiss.” Finn gestured to the crowds around them. 

“That was never the problem.” She eyed a nearby group of boys.

Rey wanted to reach out and untuck a strand of her hair, but she didn’t know how to move her arms. Finn seemed to effortlessly joke with Rose, always knowing how far to go and when to be serious. Rey wasn’t gifted in that way. She wanted to be exactly what Rose needed, but every decision was a minefield. What if it made things worse for her?

Finn squeezed Rey’s shoulder. Rose squeezed the other side. Both of them gave her a forlorn look and Rey started to panic. Could they somehow read her mind? 

But she quickly realized what they were preemptively comforting her for. 

Ben Solo strode by the booth, arm in arm with someone Rey didn’t recognize.

“I could use some coffee.” Rey heard the young woman say, pointing in the direction of the booth. 

“I can handle it, if you want.” Rose whispered to her. Finn complimented her words with a look of pity. Ever since the holiday, they both thought Ben and Rey weren’t speaking anymore, assuming it had something to do with Han and the trial. 

They had no idea of the actual truth…

“Is that everything?” 

Luke cleared his throat, waiting for one of the two Solo children to answer him. 

Rey’s eyes were on Ben. Watching his slow movements as he boxed up the last stack of papers. 

“That’s everything.” Ben smoothed his hand over the cardboard. 

“Thanks for helping out with this.” 

The two men nodded at each other. Neither seemed to notice that Rey had started to lift up one of the flaps, peering under at the papers. Luke didn’t say what they were but it was easy enough to guess. Rey even wondered if Luke wanted them to guess. If he wanted them to sneak a glance. 

“Listen, I know this isn’t exactly a celebration, but if you’re both free I’d love to take you out for dinner. My treat.”

Rey pulled her hand away from the box, feeling an invisible burn. She looked at Ben. 

He was staring at her. 

That’s all he seemed to be able to do now. No words. No rules. No promises. 

Just staring. The two of them in his apartment all the time now. His door always open. 

Rey refusing to leave the couch. Refusing to separate herself from the last place she felt him with her. 

This Ben was a ghost. 

“I’m working tonight.” Rey broke from his eye contact. 

“On Christmas?”

No one in the Solo family celebrated Christmas.

The coffee shop stayed open until 2am. An evening full of drunk Cor U students who stayed on campus for winter break. That’s what she had to look forward to. It was better than the silence from Ben. Anything was better than that. 

“Well that’s too bad. Ben?” Luke smiled awkwardly.

He said nothing. The window seemed to hold his attention captive. Rey walked out of the office, ready to take an actual breath once she was away from the two of them. 

“...your favorite, right?”

Luke’s voice got louder as he caught up, but he wasn’t speaking to her. Ben replied, “He only took us there after...nevermind.”

She turned around and snapped. “Don’t stop on my account.” 

It had become customary for Ben to stop talking whenever she was in ear shot. So much had regressed, that strange night between them might as well have been a different Rey and Ben. Two people who found something meaningful from their pain.

Not who they were now, only weeks later. Two bits of debris orbiting each other in the cold quiet vacuum of space. Meaningless.

Even Finn and Rose couldn’t fill the crater left from Ben in those following weeks. Poe called twice but Rey forwarded it. What was the point of talking to him when all of his predictions came true? About her and Ben. About what Ben did to her. It was proof enough. She wasn’t good for Poe, wasn’t a friend in any real sense. Not while she cleaved herself to this empty space.

“Do you need a ride to work?” 

“I’ll catch the bus.”

Ben grunted. He stared at Luke expectantly. 

“It’s cold.” Luke observed. 

“And snowing.” Rey added, deadpan. 

She expected him to push the point, give some half-assed speech about caring for her or being a family despite all that has happened. A family of strangers. He could shove it right up his ass, along with any bit of hope she ever held on to that Ben Solo would be a lighthouse in her life instead of a spear. 

Before Luke had a chance, she was gone, briskly walking down the gridded streets.

Rey could smell the hazelnut and peppermint down the block. She unfolded her scarf preemptively, ready to push through crowds of students to get to the backroom and clock in. 

Rose and Finn promised to come for a little while, but Finn’s family was big on the winter holidays and Rose was staying with them for the week. Better that they didn’t come. S he would surely say the wrong thing. 

Her boss was nowhere to be found. Weed smell wafted in from the propped open back door, along with a formidable draft. Rey noticed students clutching their coats and snuggling up to each other, laughing down each other’s necks, their own mouths producing steam from every sip in the cups they passed around. 

Now, whiskey scent slipped in with the peppermint and the hazelnut. Rey considered swiping one of their mugs and then disappearing into the backroom. 

As she put on her apron and wiped down a few steam wands, her mind played out scenarios of escape. Turning into a popsicle at the back door. Staying frozen until twenty years later when Han and Ben and Luke and everyone else had forgotten about her. Finn and Rose would have sorted themselves out and Rey could thaw when the time was right, go to see them, let Rose fuss over how cryo-therapy must really work because ‘look at that smooth skin’.

But it would be selfish. 

She couldn’t get through a single escape without feeling like a bird unsure what to do with its wings. Unsure if she was even a bird in the first place. 

Why wouldn’t Ben fucking talk to her? 

Stupid question. 

“Hey! Watch it!” One of her co-workers, a new seasonal hire who attended the local community college, waved a towel in her face. They held up a finger gingerly, blowing it off. Rey looked down at her hands and realized that she’d pointed the steam wand towards the espresso drip, where unsuspecting fingers would be switching out glass shots. 

“It’s not like it’s on fire.” Rey meant to be serious but she betrayed a smile at the image of her co-worker blowing delicately on their finger, a self proclaimed blue haired Virgo whose employee nametag read ‘hydration isn’t therapy’.

“That’s your section.” Ellis pointed to the rowdiest group of people, looking smug. 

Rey grabbed the check-pad, eyeing the table spills and wrappers. 

“I thought you’d be grateful.” They grinned. “Considering you look in the mood for attempted murder.”

“Very funny.” Rey muttered, walking towards the table. 

The table’s order changed at least three times before she was done. One girl gave an apologetic look and Rey didn’t have it in her to acknowledge it but as she walked back to the counter, the check-pad full of rewritten scribbles, she felt a bit lighter. 

The next hour passed much the same. Being on her feet helped Rey forget her life. 

Ellis put on a playlist of Rey’s favorite songs and in between wiping down tables they mouthed across the shop, ‘You’re really easy to find on Spotify’ with a wink.

She wanted to be frustrated but it was… something. Something Finn or Rose would have done for her. 

The door jingled and Rey hastened to take her break before the new customers could sit down. Ellis took over the check-pad. 

The back hallway was freezing by now, with some snow accumulated on the floor mat. Ignoring her scarf and jacket, Rey jumped down into the freshly covered outside and kicked her feet around. Her socks were wet. 

She rummaged into her pocket and pulled out a joint. It already smelled back here and she needed something to quiet the din of her mind. 

Ironic that silence from the right person could be so noisy.

Ben was never the right person. He wasn’t supposed to be. Not when they first met, when Luke and Leia made it seem like Rey was their missing piece to something. Not when Rey tried to follow the thread that trailed behind Ben, no matter how many times it burned her. Not even when she finally touched him for the first time–the first real time–and held on so tight until morning because no matter how many times she pulled out the spear it still came back. Like a boomerang. And it went through both of them. 

Maybe she wasn’t the right person either.

The joint wouldn’t spark after a few puffs. Too much wind. Rey folded it back into her pocket and tried to count the number of stars in the sky. So much light came from each one, even in the dead of winter. Endless burning. Even after dying, or something like that. Rey couldn’t remember exactly how her high school earth science teacher described it.

Ben was gone so often that year. Bazine was still in the picture. 

Bazine. Holly. Rey. One of these things was not like the others. Was that the conclusion of Ben’s silence?

Something heavy and soft brushed against her neck, then her shoulders. Her head snapped, half-wondering if she’d somehow conjured Luke to come playact a family.

But it wasn’t Luke.

He stood there in a t-shirt, knuckles red from the cold. Ben. She’d seen them red so many times before, two pendulums that demolished walls just to build them back up. 

His coat hung on her like a question mark. She wouldn’t speak first. No matter what. Her eyes stung from the mixture of wind and hot tears. He was here to tell her what she’d just been thinking was true. 

“I told him.” 

Her heart froze. Snow fell like feathers. 

“You told Luke?” About us? Rey held her breath, determined not to make a sound until he answered. 

Ben nodded. The tips of his fingers were now red, too. He stuffed his hands into his pockets but it was like trying to fit a full moon into the silhouette of a thumb. All illusions. 

Rey swallowed, desperate for so many things all at once. “What did he say?”

Ben looked up. The same stars Rey had been contemplating. His lips moved but no sound came out. 

He was counting them, too. 

“Ben.” She tried not to sound pitiful. All these years of keeping secrets. Their rules. Ben’s control over her. Rey’s own push and pull, wanting that control if it meant she could orbit him. “What did he say?”

Closing his eyes, he came back down to earth. There was so much of Leia in his face. Rey pictured a kaleidoscope, from the stolen glances to the unspoken stares now. How it had morphed over the years. Like her. Like Leia. Like everyone in that fucking household. “He wants me to testify to it.” 

What? What did she and Ben’s…. thing have to do with the trial? 

“Do you need to sit down?” His eyes were on her with apprehension but his hands stayed chained to his pockets. 

“I don’t understand…” 

“Luke wants me to testify against… against Han. To prove he’s guilty.” His voice was a low rumble, like the echo of a heavy door closing somewhere in an endless staircase. 

Her mind jumped back to Ben's apartment. His confession. ‘He’s fucking guilty…. I should have told him….’

She stumbled against the brick wall behind her, feeling for something to catch. She thought of the last time her body felt this cold, plunging into the icy lake. Ben somewhere above her, somewhere letting go. 

But then she thought of waking up the day after holding him all night, and smelling his hair, falling back asleep. 

Hands found her. Ben, crouching down, the swirl from their breaths close enough to make it hard to see him. For minutes he breathed heavier than her, keeping a steady stream of fog coming from them. 

Finally: “Are you okay?”

The chess move she’d been waiting for, or so it felt like as soon as it happened. It had been a strategy of sorts, waiting him out. An old habit. 

Shame. 

That’s what it felt like to win. 

Silence served no one. And so: “You abandoned me.” 

It wasn’t exactly true. Or maybe it was. Maybe it was more true than anything else she would have said if they were surrounded by expectant roles, embedded in objects or people or places. Solo household. Ben’s apartment. Basement parties. All portals to silence or loneliness. All portals to violence. 

This was a place that knew nothing of them, this back alley covered in snow and outdoor lights from the apartments above. It smelled like garbage and weed and burnt brown butter. Someone’s window was open, dumping out a pan of hot liquid. It formed a shape in the snow the instant they touched.

Something from nothing. 

“I did.” He stared at her like he had been for weeks. “I thought you were better off without me. Rey, there’s so much you don’t know…” 

“Then tell me.” 

“It will hurt.” 

“Then it’ll be no different from this.”

When Ben cried in front of her a few weeks ago, she didn’t see it come on. She didn’t even know it was happening until it couldn’t be stopped. Seeing his face clearly now it occurred to her how hard he fought it back. A slow, timed swallow, like an animal eating the last bit of its prey. Or, like a little boy teaching himself where to dig. 

“The trial is about cutting off the supply chain. But they don’t have much. He’s been good. Really good.” He winced. “Luke needs more to prove the things he’s found. He thinks I’m the key to that. Maybe I am.” 

“How are you the key?” Questions, questions, always more questions when they collide. She tugged at the jacket, pulling it sloppily over her shoulders and wrapping it around his knees. 

“I…” 

Another window from above opened, someone shouting for butter from an upstairs neighbor. Rey looked, feeling Ben do the same, both of them watching the exchange of butter sticks dropping into cold hands that almost slipped. 

Her eyes were on Ben before he came back down, his knees close enough to rest her head on. To take refuge in. Violence has to take hold of something to stay. It was harder to love Rose now because it counted more. It was harder to face Poe because it counted more. It was harder to face herself because it counted more. 

“It matters what we do now.” She cupped his cheeks. Even if she cupped a thousand cheeks it would not mean what it meant between them. 

He lifted her effortlessly. They stumbled along the brick wall until finding an edge, turning the corner. The moon shone above them. Rusted fire escapes shielded them from nothing. The wind was harsher with no alley to protect them. They were fully exposed in the back of the building, a field of blue-hued snow between them and a highway stretch. 

Under the barely there warmth of her shirt, he slid his fingers up until they collided with her nipples. The temperature made the contact a bit like pain. She breathed out and moved her hips against him. His lips were chapped. His face was tear-streaked. His skin was so cold her fingers left marks wherever they touched. 

She hovered close enough to his mouth to share the heat of their breaths. His fingers moved down to unbutton her jeans, each graze of flesh a twinge. Their eyes stayed locked. 

So distracted from the cold, Rey didn’t realize he’d undone his own pants until the tip of his cock found her thighs, chasing respite. Silence had never been a choice before. 

She chose it now, placing a finger between their lips. He found her entrance. The only warmth between them. He slid inside her and didn’t stop, not when the wind picked up, not when the highway cars zoomed by, not when she gripped his shoulders so tightly that the t-shirt ripped beneath her nails. The pain started to feel more like pressure, a wellspring or a secret. It had to be set free. 

He held her legs up around him, eyes still, barely moving with each thrust. Slow wasn’t always gentle. Slow could be so many things. What they lost, what they found, what they had to do and what they could have done differently. Consequences. Outcomes. Rules. Desires. Fears. He fucked her slowly. Fucked her as she’d never been fucked before. She’d never been fucked before. A distant confession from a party in the back of her mind... 

Not love. Not sex. Not any other euphemism. It had to be honest if it was going to survive. And he fucked her like he would have died in the snow if he didn’t. 

From above a clump of snow fell on them, shaken by the wind. Rey licked the snow off her own lips and then considered Ben. As he took care of her, she would take care of him. She licked the snow off his lips, shuddering as slowly as he fucked her.

As her tongue lapped the last bit of snow she tasted something hot. She looked up and saw Ben crying. Immediately she tried to pull them apart, panic and worry on her face.

“No.” he whimpered. “It’s okay. I can feel you.” His tears were disrupted by a bittersweet smile. “I can feel you.” 

Easing back into him, she grabbed onto his collar and bucked her hips forward as much as she could without collapsing. He refused to speed up. He didn’t need to. Rey felt the spark take hold, spreading into her abdomen, her neck, her fingers. “I can feel you too.” She gasped between words, not even sure if she said them or if they meant the same thing or if any words could ever explain what was happening to her body in that moment. This was nothing like an orgasm. Or whatever she thought an orgasm was no longer applied. This was religion. 

She let out a sound when it happened. It could have been as loud as an icicle smashing or as quiet as a rustle of snow. Rey had no memory of it. The only thing she had was fingers threaded between Ben Solo’s hair, bodies finally in motion even if everything was still. 

“Please, I can’t go back. Not after this.” He panted against her, grip tightening.

It was so simple. It was impossible. It was many things at once, all competing to prove why the others could not exist. Could not happen.

“You won’t have to.”

“It’s okay. I got this.” Rey grabbed a fresh coffee pot and walked up to Ben. “I heard someone say they needed caffeine.”

The young woman laughed and tugged on Ben’s sleeve. “I love college!” But Ben didn’t react to her. He didn't react to anything except for Rey. 

Rose swooped in and put a styrofoam cup under the pot and tipped Rey’s wrist, pouring some out for herself and giving the young woman a cursory glance, wrinkling her nose. She then looked at Ben. “Hey, dude , stop staring. Rey doesn’t want to talk to you.” 

Finn popped up seemingly from behind Rose, as though he’d been there the whole time. “Yeah take your revolving door of girlfriends and bother someone else. We’re Rey’s family now.” 

Rey was taken aback by Finn’s words, dropping the pot. While everyone leapt to catch it, an untrained eye may have thought Ben to be looking at Finn with foreboding but Rey’s distraction gave him the chance to betray the smallest smile. 

“This isn’t my girlfriend.” Ben announced to the harrowed group of people having just saved burning liquid and glass from exploding on the ground.

The woman looked crestfallen. “But… I thought…” 

“It’s for charity.” 

Feeling the need to explain herself hastily, she added, “It was an auction. A two-hour date with Ben Solo. I just had to.” 

Rey had been waiting all night for this moment. For her cue. She smiled politely at the woman. Finn’s eyes nearly popped out of his head, Rose equally concerned by what they’d just witnessed.

“Looks like two hours are up. I’m gonna go cool off.” Ben acknowledged Rose and Finn with a neutral nod and then headed into the crowd of students. Rose was aghast.

“Have aliens invaded your body?” 

“Are you on drugs? Like drugs drugs? Because you promised me that if you found some you’d share , Miss Rey.” Finn wagged his finger at her. 

“It’s not drugs!” Rose smacked him. “It’s something else.” 

Finn looked like he was trying to solve an intricate math problem, using the air as his chalkboard. “Is it….. Ah, aha! I’ve got it. I know the answer.” He wiggled excitedly, tapping Rose’s shoulder. “I know it.” 

Rose rolled her eyes but after a few seconds she gave in, letting Finn have what she knew he wanted her to do. “Okay class, Finn’s hand is up. Finn, do you have an answer?”

“YES!” He shouted triumphantly. “THERAPY.”

All three of them looked at each other with unease, until Rey was the first to laugh. A cascade followed. They howled like children until Rey’s boss interrupted them. 

“I don’t pay you to be a student! Back to it.” He waved her away. 

Rose mouthed ‘ he needs therapy ’, pointing at Rey’s boss, which earned them a “get out of here now!” They disappeared into the sea of bodies but Rey felt them with her. 

Just like she felt Ben. 

Speaking of, she took off her apron and tossed it at the coffee shop booth. “I quit.” 

“You can’t quit. I’m short-staffed. You’re the only consistent worker I have.”

“I know. Which is why I quit. We can discuss my rehiring after midnight.” Rey pointed at the clock nearing the hour. She didn’t wait for a reply, cutting along the walls of the gym to get to the other side where she knew she would find a door, propped open just enough. 

Indeed it was. Groups of people started gathering in anticipation for the countdown. Rey slipped out the door, careful to leave the rock Ben had left there in the same place she found it. 

The bleachers at Coruscant High School went up so high Rose once joked, drunkenly, that they could have fitted an entire second school underneath them, like a magical academy that no one could see. Finn pointed out that if they had magic they could just use it to manipulate time and space, which meant they’d really only need a small hole in the wall. They’d argued about it for hours while Rey searched the chain link blocking off the underpart. When no opening was found, she used Rose’s “emergency tweezers” to make a slit small enough for them to wiggle through. Over the years other students used it too and it eventually became a giant hole. The school never patched it up. 

The football field at Coruscant University was much bigger, but it still had bleachers with tons of empty, secluded space between. And Rey didn’t have to be the one to break the seal. The fence was littered with slits and bent back metal.

She saw him leaning against the shorter bars under the first few rows. Slipping behind the fence, Rey approached him. 

“I didn’t know if you’d come.” He spoke without looking at her. 

“You’d be surprised by my choices.” 

They were standing side by side now. 

“I took a lot of them away.”

Of all the versions of Ben she’d been startled by, this one was the most gut-wrenching. They’d only spoken a few times since what happened last week but he used every opportunity to say things–new things–she had no response to. At least not one that could be spoken in as few words as he uttered. 

She heard the crowds getting louder inside the gym. Midnight must be close. 

“Why did Han adopt me?”

If her question surprised him, he didn’t show it. After a beat, he replied. “Luke asked me the same thing.”

The same Luke who had encouraged her to “be a family”? The same Luke who couldn’t openly criticize his own sister when the writing was on the wall. 

She wanted to say something snarky and stomp off. But his stillness made it hard to bounce off anything. If she did that, it would be just her. No collision. 

“I can handle it. Whatever it is.” 

He turned to her and half-smiled again, that bittersweet look that somehow managed to feel like a memory deeper than all the years of anger. 

“I know.” He looked like he wanted to say more but the countdown behind them started. 

Rey grabbed his hand. “What else do you know?” She searched his face like a shadow trying to find itself in the dark. 

The shouting voices from the gym vibrated the ground. 

“ 5………..4……….3……..2…… ”

Ben stepped so close to her she was at the mercy of his height. He leaned down and placed a few fingers on her chin. A slow, unafraid, complicated kiss. “Happy New Year.” 

“Happy New Year.” She mumbled, eyes closed. 

—--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Rose nearly crashed into her the moment Rey was back inside the gym. Her best friend was in tears. Instinctively she thought of Rose crying at prom because of John Mando. 

“Who is he? I’ll destroy him.” She hugged Rose. 

But Rose squirmed against her. Which turned into more of a shove.

“Hey!” Rey let go. “What gives?”

“Where were you at midnight?” Rose bore into her with puffy eyes. Her hair was mussed from their half hug-half tussle.

“I was just… I was getting more coffee beans for the booth.” 

“Liar.” Rose hiccuped. Her eyes welled. “Anyway it doesn’t matter because you missed it! I couldn’t find Finn anywhere either. You both missed it! You’re so used to me being away for college that you probably just… thought….” The passion in her speech became exhaustion. Unable to hold back her sobs, she collapsed into Rey’s arms and squeezed her tightly. 

“Shhh, it’s okay.” Rey found herself stroking her friend’s hair. One thing she knew for certain is that Rose was soothed by physical touch. It didn’t make sense to Rey but it didn’t need to. “I’m sorry you couldn’t find either of us.” 

This made Rose sob louder. 

“Whoa whoa I take it back, I take it back!” Rey racked her brain for the right thing to say. 

“Nooooo!” She sniffled. “You apologized!” 

“Was that wrong? I can uhhh, do something else.” 

“You apologized , you smiled at Ben’s weird girl person situation whatever , you didn’t need me at midnight !” 

Still not understanding, Rey gave her friend a pained look. 

“You’re CHANGING. Without me. You’re different. But you’re still you. When did you get like this?” She half-yelled into Rey’s chest. 

Rey couldn’t suppress a smile, wrapping her arms tighter around her friend. If only she’d seen the mess that transpired over the last few weeks. How quickly Rey could lose her grip. One step forward, two steps back. Change is still change. 

“Rose…” she waited for an objection. None came so she continued, “I am changing. Because of you, and Finn, and…” something delicate and painful went off in her mind, “Poe. I am who I am because of you. You aren’t missing anything. You’re…” her mind recalled the stars in the sky and another long lost piece of information from her earth science class surfaced. “You’re in a constellation.”

This brought Rose’s head back up, tear-stained mascara not dulling the shrewdness of her gaze. Rose. Brilliant Rose. “What?”

“You shift around and stuff but you’re always in formation with us.” 

She considered the metaphor. “I have to tell you something.” 

“Tell me.” 

“I’m not going back.” 

“To the car? I’ll walk home with you if you want, but I’m sure Finn didn’t intentionally–”

“I’m not going back to school this semester.”

Rey gawked. School was everything to Rose. Last semester was hard, but… Maybe there was no but. Maybe the perfectly combed hair wasn’t a rebellion against the always tired, always breaking look in her eyes. Maybe it was the mask. 

“I will always–”

Finn ran up to them, distraught. “What is it? What’s going on?” He didn’t respond well to crying, but Rey assumed he knew what was going on. Rose and Finn always knew about each other before she did. It used to just hurt but now it also felt peaceful knowing that they cared that much about each other. 

“Rose told me,” Rey whispered, rubbing Rose’s back. She was still crying softly.

“Told you what?” Finn wrung his hands nervously. He took off his googly-eyes headband and touched Rose’s back. “What’s going on?

“Tell him,” she mumbled. 

It took Rey a moment to realize Rose was talking to her . Which meant that Finn didn”t know yet. Which meant that Rose came to her about it not to fill her in or catch her up but to be there at the hardest moment. The moment of confession. 

Extending her arm to make room for Finn, Rey pulled the two of them close together. “Rose wants us to know that she’s not going back to school this semester. She’s staying here, in Coruscant, with us.” 

Rose looked up with wide eyes. Rey half expected her to say that wasn’t true and she’d be spending the semester in Europe or something, but her look of shock quickly became sheer joy. She made a sound between a yell and a cheer. 

“Really? I mean I didn’t want to assume but can you imagine!! Roommates!” Her energy seemed to sky-rocket, while Finn’s face began to sweat. “ROOMMAAAAAAATES!” She broke from their huddle to grab an upperclassman poorly concealing a bottle of whiskey, ripping it from him and pushing him away. “Wow that went way better than I ever could have imagined.”

Finn finally spoke up. Rey braced herself for the sudden drop, but it never came. “It’s going to be so amazing being roommates.” He beamed, kissing Rose’s cheek. 

‘Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! Suck it, Yale!” She took a swig and ran into the dispersing crowd, picking up every boa she spotted. 

A funny feeling came over her. Finn walked her to the drop off loop outside, saying nothing. She could feel him looking over but she pretended not to notice. Not until this funny feeling went away. 

Some minutes of silence passed. 

Finn cleared his throat. 

“This isn’t how you thought it would happen, huh?” He nudged her, clearly hoping for a laugh. But she didn’t give him one. The funny feeling was becoming clearer now. 

“Yeah,” he rocked back on his heels, “I can tell I’m running out of time so I’ll just say what I mean. I didn’t just say that for Rose. I’ve been meaning to ask you for a while. I know we both remember the last time we talked about this and I’m an idiot. I said you don’t have a family, but that’s not what I meant. What I really meant was.. I want to be your family and I don’t know how. But I think I do, now.” 

Rose’s words from earlier popped into Rey’s mind. You’re different, but you’re still you .

“I’m surprised you got that out all at once. I didn’t even have to settle for anything vague.” 

She nudged him back, and this time a laugh came. From Finn.

If friendship was full of heartache and joy, what was a family like? A real one. 

“By the way,” Finn fished something out of his jacket pocket. He unfolded it and smoothed it out before handing it to her. 

An envelope. 

“I never gave you a Christmas present and yes I know you don’t celebrate it but I do and it’s my chance to show the gratitude I sometimes forget during the year.” 

Assuming it was a handwritten card or an ‘IOU’ for something silly (Finn’s usual ‘gifts’), Rey ripped it open without looking closely. 

“Gentle!” He cooed, reaching out to rescue it from her unpredictable hands. 

It was a tri folded paper. She held it away from him and waited until he relented to open it. 

“Ooo this looks fancy, Dear Miss Rey Solo,” she fake gagged, “We are pleased to admit you to the incoming spring class of….” Finn was beaming ear to ear when she looked up at him. “Finn what is this? What the fuck… what…. How did…?” 

She’d gotten a letter like this before. Without the proper legal documents , her last letter had said. Regret to inform .

Nowhere on this piece of paper was regret. 

“Go on, read the whole thing.”

“...look forward to seeing you at Coruscant Community College. But how? I don’t even have the documents I need.” 

“I had help.” He smirked. 

“From who? Satan?” Rey gawked at the letter.

“No. Well. Ehh. Satan does nice things sometimes, right? Okay, okay, jokes aside. It was your Uncle Luke.” 

Her confusion mounted. “ Luke ? How did you even get in contact with him?”

“Ah,” Finn held up a hand, “this is where my payment to Satan must be honored. I cannot say.”

“ Finn you tell me who –”

“ROOOOOOMIEEEEEEES!” Rose exploded from the gym’s double doors, the whiskey bottle she had earlier half empty now. The last of the students trickled out behind her. Mostly people who hosted the auction or helped with set up and take down. 

As Rose ran towards them, Ben materialized behind her, lifting some boxes onto a trailer with a few other students. 

Noticing her staring, Finn whispered. “This is actually the second time he’s saved me from being a dumbass. I don’t know what that’s about, but I’m not complaining.” Then he grabbed her shoulders seriously. “But you didn’t hear it from me.”

She didn’t hear anything, truthfully. Her own footsteps, people calling her name, someone laughing. 

By the time she could register anything again she’d crossed the drop off loop, standing in front of Ben’s apprehensive face. Reaching up, she placed a delicate kiss on his cheek. In full view of everyone there. 

And then she turned around and left, catching up with Finn and Rose.

Chapter Text

On the coffee shop’s hourly wage, Rey could afford only one class this semester. So she picked from the pamphlet her advisor gave her, a woman she never saw after their initial ten minute meeting. It was a required course. English I. 

Ellis showed Rey around the campus on the first day but they had a full schedule in the science building so the tour was brief. They left Rey outside the Campus Center, which was really the lobby. The College was mostly one building with five floors and lots of tucked away sections. 

“You’ll be great.” Ellis grinned and disappeared into the wave of students filtering in and out of hallways. 

Putting in headphones, she sat in a corner and watched the clock. The music did nothing. She couldn’t feel it, couldn’t feel herself. The bustle of students reminded her of Poe. They never talked in the halls back in high school, but she sensed his presence like she sensed Ben’s because they were always near each other, even after their falling out. If she saw him around a corner, Ben was sure to follow. 

Poe was her lighthouse in a twisted sort of way. He warned her without meaning to. 

And now it seemed he wanted to warn her on purpose. Every few days she would get a text from him: 

did i do something? 

i forgive you for halloween stop being weird

damn i thought that one would work 

call me, we need to talk

i’m serious Rey, i know about all of it

That last text, sent earlier today, churned her stomach. She reasoned with herself that he could mean so many things, but there was the most obvious thing. Ben was hard to get a hold of since she moved out. 

She ripped her headphones out, fidgeting until it was time to walk to class. 

—----------------------------------------------

“Syllabus day is pretty easy. Let’s not fuck it up.” The Professor stared over her square glasses. “I have two rules. Call me Phasma. Not Professor. Phasma. And don’t fail. I hate failing students.” 

Looking at the assignments, Rey was certain she would fail. It was too many things to juggle, too many due dates. She worked six days a week at the coffee shop. The lecture made no sense. So much about themes and motifs and other words to avoid saying what you mean. She zoned out and almost missed the bell, the only student left. 

Phasma waved her up to the front. 

“You’re Rey, right? Rey Solo.”

She winced. “Rey is fine.” 

“Yeah, I’d say that too if I were you. Your dad’s a real piece of shit, huh?” Phasma waved a newspaper at Rey. On the cover she saw a photograph of Han and Leia being led by a group of men. “About time they announced the charges. Any day now.” 

Rey stayed far away from news about the trial. She shrugged and started walking out. 

“I’ll bet that family is a gold mine for shit like this,” Phasma held up a stapled copy of the short story they went over in class. “You could really get somewhere, if you wanted to.” 

She was used to comments from teachers. The same song and dance from high school – wasted potential , try harder , talk to me , nothing I can do . With a practiced smile, Rey walked out of the classroom without another word. 

Ellis was outside waiting. “How did it go?”

“She told me my dad is a piece of shit.” 

“Oh.” Ellis frowned. “I’m sorry.” 

“It’s okay. He’s not really my dad.” She hesitated, wondering if Ellis would correct her. 

Their frown was replaced with relief. “Cool. I’ll see you later. I’m working the closing shift.”

Rey was left standing there contemplating two possibilities. One where the newspapers anchored her forever to the Solo family, and one where she decided her own fate. 

—-------------------------------------------------------

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” 

Rose looked down at Rey from her cramped position atop the dryer. She clung to the sides of the rattling machine, desperately trying to keep it from destroying the floor. This was the third time the dryer nearly sent their kitchen corner into the downstairs unit. 

“Just… hold… it….” Rey mumbled through the manual she held between her teeth. Her hands were occupied with hugging the machine, failing to steady it. 

“Cookies?” Finn popped his head into the half-pantry, half-laundry room. His entrance smelled like cinnamon and citrus. 

Rose shakily reached for one, despite Rey’s mutinous expression. 

“Isn’t this so nice? The three of us, a broken dryer, no dishwasher,” a loud sound came from behind him, something hitting the window, “some sort of… unspecified construction happening outside.” He chewed a cookie. “This is just like that movie.” 

Rey spit out the manual, licking her mouth to rid the unpleasant taste of ink and wet paper. “Which movie?”

“The one where they’re all strippers and they save the bar.” 

Rose pointed at him, her finger shaking. “Yes.”

“Do they move to a nicer place?” Rey grunted, having given up on holding the dryer. It pounded on the linoleum, making it hard to hear anything else. Finn waited for it to stop, leaning down and popping a cookie into Rey’s frowning mouth. “No. But one of the girls gets a wealthy benefactor. That could be you.” 

She spit out the cookie. 

“On second thought…”

Something thudded against the window again. Rey reluctantly stood up, pushing the sweaty hair out of her face. “I am going to throw something back.” An orange would do. 

She opened the window and wound her arm up, glaring into the midday sun. 

“Stop fucking thr—” 

Below her, standing coolly against the paint chipped fence that blocked off the building’s shared patio from the next one, was Poe Dameron. 

“I knew I’d get your attention eventually.” 

The long list of missed texts from Poe hung heavy on her arm as she lowered it. He looked good . He was smiling. 

But she didn’t want to see him. Or talk to him. 

“Go away!” She slammed the window shut, ignoring Finn’s offer for another cookie. They didn’t exactly have rooms, but the living room was separated by a curtain they put up. Rey’s “room” was on the west facing side–a bargain she struck for getting the shittiest set up. It was prime for viewing sunsets. 

Noise came from the front stairs. Without any other way to shield herself she grabbed headphones and put them on, wedging between her twin sized bed frame and the window ledge. The music filled her and she closed her eyes, trying not to wait for something to happen. 

A forceful hand pulled off the headphones. 

“...ridiculous. Are you going to tell me what I did or am I forever left to the scraps of news Rose sends me in her letters?”

An old pang. “You and Rose write letters?”

His face softened, pleased with himself. He had her. “No. But if we did, would it be any different from the entire life you’re living without me?” He made a sweeping gesture at the tiny makeshift room. 

“Don’t be dramatic.” She pulled her knees to her chest, suddenly feeling conscious of Poe’s eyes on the place. 

“Rey.” He called for her eye contact. She wouldn’t give in. “It’s been months.” 

It was wrong to avoid Poe. He was important to her in a way that had no words. 

But she couldn’t let him shatter everything. And that’s exactly what he would do. With his clear thinking, his patience, his stupid wisdom. It was bad enough that he came around the coffee shop sometimes with Ben, the two of them having hushed conversations that sometimes looked like generals trying to stave off a war and sometimes looked like childhood friends that came there to kill one another. 

And now his text from the other day. I know about all of it .

“Whatever you think you know, you’re wrong.” 

“I’m worried about you.”

“Worry about someone who wants to be worried about. I’m fine. Never better actually.” 

It wasn’t a lie. She didn’t live with the Solos anymore. Luke stopped calling about the trial. Her classes had just started. And Ben… 

“Liar.” 

“Excuse me?” Rey stood up. “ You’re the one who used to tell me to want more for myself.” 

“More, yes. But this isn’t more.” 

“If you came here to shit on my apartment, you can leave.” She started pushing him out. 

He grabbed her shoulder. “This isn’t about the fucking apartment.” 

The cracks started to spread. She blurted out, “Not everything I do is a cry for help.” Her mind jumped back to Halloween. 

Something must have clicked. His face was affected. “Jesus fuck, Rey. What are you protecting?”

—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She ran all the way to Ben’s apartment. 

Since moving out she came sparsely, whenever Ben gave in to her requests. After what happened between them he still looked haunted sometimes. Especially on days where she saw him talking to Poe. 

As she ran, her mind went back to Halloween again. Poe pulling Ben out of the fray, helping him escape the party before the police came.

Knocking on the door impatiently, she blew on her hands to warm them up. He asked for the key back on the day she moved out. She just went with it. The key, the sparse meetings, the stolen moments in between, all of it. He was finally her Ben. 

Ben appeared at the door, his face more hollow than usual. “What are you doing here?”  When she didn’t give him a reply, he pulled her inside. 

“Put this on.” He tossed her a blanket. There was half eaten food on the kitchen counter. Sheets on the couch. 

“Is someone staying here?” She backed into the counter. 

“I’m sleeping out here.” Ben gingerly wrapped his arms around her. Touch was a roulette between them. Some days he was demanding, some days he was like this. Like he could read her mind, he whispered, “There’s no one here but you and me.” 

She was soothed. Silence for a time. 

Then Ben cleared his throat. “Why did you come here?”

The warmth she felt from his touch waned a bit, but he wasn’t shifting away. “I wanted to.” 

Being with him cured the noise in her mind. Occasional things would slip through, like the memory of Halloween or the feeling of flushed, icy skin, but for the most part it was a sweet extinguishing. The last time she felt this free was in the passenger seat of a car, watching smoke escape the window and disappear. 

You’re mine.

The real answer to his question. 

“I’m waiting for a phone call.” 

On the stove a pot of water started boiling. He released her to tend to it. 

He touched the lid as softly as he did her. “Rey?” He turned to her. 

“Our dryer is broken again,” she croaked, feeling something dissipate. A cheap move, but she suddenly needed him to be invasive. Rough. 

“You should call your landlord.” It didn’t work. 

More. “Poe came to see me.” 

Ben poured the water out shakily. His chest rose and fell but his breathing made no sound. After a beat, “What did he say?”

She scanned him for any sign of old Ben. Fists slack. Palms open. Cupping the mug. Blowing on the water so he doesn’t burn. 

He thinks we shouldn’t see each other . Wrong. 

He wants to sleep with me . Wrong. 

He is worried about me . 

“I don’t fucking know.” 

The mug stopped above his lips. He placed it down and patted his hair out of the way. Again with the metered, quiet breathing. She realized now that he was wearing pajamas in the middle of the day. There was a sweat stain on the collar of his shirt. But he wasn’t sweating. His arms were covered in goosebumps when he’d hugged her. What was it, then? His eyes were red.

“Rey…” He reached out, but she dodged his hand. He sighed, “I didn’t know you were coming.” 

She had lived so long with the specter of Ben Solo in her mind. A craving, a nightmare, everything in between. It was the closest thing she had to any permanent feeling. There were lines drawn by his hand, but he could cross them at any time. By having that power, he was inside her always. Rey realized now that she wasn’t just waiting for him to give in to what links them beneath all the violence and desire. She was waiting for him to finally be there, permanently, for real . 

But that’s not what he wanted. 

“You took your keys back.” It was an obvious statement, but she said it like a revelation. “When you come to the shop, you don’t even talk to me. You just stare .” 

His eyes stirred. Pacing in the kitchen, he tugged at his hair. She couldn’t see his other hand, it lay glued to his side, stuffed in the pocket of his pants. But the arm was rigid. 

Finally: “What did you expect from me, Rey? Do you have any idea…”

“Is this about the kiss?” The one on his cheek, in front of everyone. They hadn’t acknowledged it. 

“It’s…. Complicated.” 

“And the years before weren’t?” She gritted her teeth, her own palms curling. “I’d say this is the least complicated it’s ever been.” 

“How can you say that?” He slammed the kitchen counter and immediately recoiled, shaking his head and sliding against the side of the fridge. “Rey, you have to leave.” 

Her body was trembling. The familiar riptide of loving Ben pulling her out to the fucking abyss. He didn’t want her. He never wanted her. Not the way she wanted him. You’ll never find love in ruinous places . “I never should have let you touch me. Never. Not fucking once.” And he knew all the ways she meant. She was sure of it because he was on his feet, rattling the door hinges. “Leave. You have to fucking leave.” 

“I’m leaving!” She shouted, stopping on his doorstep, with nothing left to reel him back in except for a threat, “but this is the last time.”

She ran back just as she ran there, but this time she didn’t stop at the apartment. She kept running. 

Through the campus. Down to neighborhoods from the miserable four years she spent in the Solo household. Past the street they lived on. 

Rey, fourteen, seeing the house for the first time. 

Rey, sixteen, jumping in front of a car. 

Rey, eighteen, running down the block for the last time. 

She ran until each of them came back to her. She ran until she was the thing burning. 

The house was empty. No cars in the driveway. A ‘For Sale’ sign on the lawn. She collapsed by the mailbox. A moat of rocks held the wooden post in place. Her hand found one and pulled it from the dirt. It was smooth on one side but she cut herself on the underbelly. Ransacking the other rocks, they were all the same. Smooth on top, jagged underneath. 

Each and every one of them sailed through the windows of the Solo house. 

But then she blinked and the fantasy went away. The rocks piled around her knees. She wanted to throw them. With whose hand?

She screamed and kicked the rocks, taking off again into the night. There was only one place left to go. 

The lake was almost unseeable in the moonglow. A few small ripples gave it away, but to someone who didn’t know it was there it could have been an empty road to get lost on. To plunge in. 

Catching herself on a tree, she screamed again. Screamed until her throat hurt. And even after that she mustered more. The darkness tricked her. It revived memories of Poe splashing in the water. Suddenly she wanted him more than anything. Someone who would press on the wound with her. 

She vomited into a pile of lingering snow and dead leaves. 

—----------------------------------------------------------------

Weeks passed without a word from Ben. 

She stopped seeing him in the coffee shop. Poe sometimes came in by himself but he never bothered her. A few times Luke even stopped by, but she ignored him and he let her. Everything was strangely quiet. 

Rey had a new habit of smoking weed on her fifteens. Ellis brought eye drops and body spray if any customers complained. Not much besides one woman who came in with her kids–unusual for their customer base. She made a fuss about the smell and Ellis sent her away with free pastries. 

Being high was freeing. It was removing herself like a heavy coat and forgetting it under a pile of more interesting things. Music was interesting again. The back alley threatened to remind Rey until she took a drag and then everything was born anew. She was just a girl taking a shift break by the trash cans. Nothing to think about, nothing to feel, nothing to lose. And if it ever crept back in, she took another hit. 

Rose and Finn were asleep by the time she got home. Finn left out cookies. They watched movies together when they could and neither of them said anything when Rey cracked her window open at night and breathed smoke out into the cool late February air. 

She worked on assignments then, under the flush of moonlight and streetlamps and the neighbor’s string lights. The books were easier to read when she had nothing else in her brain. A story about a young woman who has an affair and hates her kids. A story about a town where everyone’s splendor and success came at the price of one’s abject suffering. A different story about a different town where people threw stones at their loved ones. 

Fear, desire, fear, desire. It was the same thing over and over again. A tug connected her to the cycle but she pretended it was just a work of art from long ago. A shitty story about a girl who didn’t have a family and a boy who never could have loved her. 

—-------------------------------------------------------------

Phasma kept her after one day in early March. Her classmates were full of whispers but Rey kept her head down, still mellowed out from smoking before class. 

“Your paper,” she held it up triumphantly, “is awful.”

Rey stared past her, deftly removing herself and putting on a new, blank coat. Someone else. She took the paper. “But you gave it an A.” 

“Awful isn’t always bad.” 

“That makes no sense.” 

“You were pretty harsh on the townspeople.”

“They deserved it.” Probably true, but she didn’t remember what she’d written. 

“Have you checked the news?” 

“Nope.” 

“Are you going to?”

“Nope.” 

“You should.”

“Ok.” 

Phasma sat forward, casually pointing a pencil at Rey. “You reek, by the way.” 

Rey blinked, a small bit of panic slipping through. “Ok.” 

“I changed my mind. You get an F. Here’s some extra credit to recover your grade.” She placed a flyer on top of Rey’s paper and waved her away. It was some sort of writing competition. Crumpling it she stuffed it away and headed for the edge of the courtyard where she knew no one would be, off to finish her joint. 

—------------------------------------------

The coffee shop was busier than usual today. Ellis greeted Rey uneasily, offering a cup of hot chocolate in a nervous tone. “I made this for you.” 

Strangers stared at them. “Thanks.” Rey tied her apron slowly. “Is something wrong?” 

“No. What? No. Everything’s good. It’s all good. We are all good.” They squeezed Rey’s shoulders before abruptly walking away. 

The extra noise made her eyes hurt. She headed for the back, hoping to smoke just a bit more before getting started. Someone stopped her with a hand on her wrist. 

It was Luke. He looked sleepless. “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Where else would I be?” She pulled her hand away.

“Have you checked the news today?”

“No. And I’m not fucking going to.” She snapped. “Why does everyone keep asking me that?” 

“Can we sit down?”

“I’m working.” 

“It’ll only take a minute.”

“No it won’t.” 

He searched for something in her face and she did her best to assure him it wasn’t there. “You’re right. It won’t.” Reaching into his bag, he pressed a newspaper against her stomach and held it there even after her hand took it over. “I did everything I could.” 

The paper fell face first onto her palm. On the cover, Han in handcuffs. 

Charges… Grand Larceny, Racketeering, Conspiracy to Commit Wire Fraud, three counts, four counts, Rey’s head spun. 

Murder in the Third Degree . 

She spun around but Luke was gone. 

Everything was a blur. The street lamps. The car lights. The harsh wind on her bare arms. The apron still on, flapping against her thighs as she ran. 

She saw the flames before the house. They rose high above the trees and smoldered into the starry sky. The windows were shattered, lawn peppered with a few of the rocks that missed. On the edge of the driveway, Ben was slumped to his knees, and even in the dark she knew his hands were covered in dirt. 

Chapter Text

“Aren’t you going to finish your plate?” 

Leia smiled down at Rey, nudging the cooked carrots with a serving spoon. She avoided eye contact with the woman, who was a stranger by all accounts, but the boy sitting across from her was another story.

Ben Solo never ate the food his mother served him. Rey learned that in the two weeks she’d been here. Among other things. 

Like Leia’s interest in recounting the day. “Well if you’re not going to eat, like your brother, you can at least tell me how school went.” 

“I’m not her fucking brother.” Ben shoved his plate away. 

Leia kept an eye on her son as she picked his plate up and stacked it off to the side. 

“School was okay.” Rey piped up. She wanted Ben to look at her. Last night he’d been staring at her through the crack of his open door. 

“That’s nice.” Leia took Rey’s plate away. “Why don’t you two go upstairs and Ben can show you his book collection?”

“I don’t have a fucking book collection.” 

“Language, Ben. Fine, show her whatever you want. Just go upstairs.” 

Ben stopped rocking back, making eye contact with Leia as the legs of the chair screeched against the wooden floor. “Why?”

“Because I’m your mother, that’s why.” 

“It’s him, isn’t it? He’s coming home and you don’t want–” 

“That’s enough out of you!” She snapped. “Go.”

Rey waited until Ben moved to follow him. She glanced over her shoulder at Leia, who was cleaning up the rest of the plates, face a mixture of tired and relieved.

The size of the house took getting used to. Some rooms wrapped around the downstairs, one led to the basement, but the front stairs were right next to the dining room. Rey walked up as quietly as possible, giving her the freedom to stare at Ben. 

He reminded her of so many different things. A leopard. A bull. A viper. He looked older than all the other boys in his grade. She never saw him alone in the halls, only in the house. 

She didn’t notice him look back at her until he was in her face. 

“What the fuck are you staring at?” 

There were boys at the shelter who acted like Ben but their anger was different. Rey could wrestle with it, see herself in it, give some of it back. But Ben’s anger felt… expensive. Like anger she couldn’t afford. Suddenly she wanted to knock him over the railings for being so… self important. Her awe mixed with annoyance. 

“Why don’t you have a book collection?” 

He scowled at her. “Answer my question!” 

She pushed past him and walked towards his door. 

In seconds she was tackled to the ground. He flipped her over with some difficulty. Rey hadn’t been in many fights but she knew how to wait someone out. Just a bit of resistance and it wasn’t worth it. 

He fussed with her wrists until they were pinned down. Her knees squirmed under him. 

“You want to fucking stare at me?” He waited for a response. When she said nothing he forced her wrists into the ground harder. “You don’t fucking look at me. Ever. Do you understand?” 

He shifted the weight in his hips and she took her chance. 

“FUCK!” He yelped, rolling over and clutching his stomach. Climbing out from under him she darted for his room and slammed the door shut, her sweaty fingers barely getting to the lock before he grabbed the handle. 

A second of stillness. 

Then the loudest bang she’d ever heard. A crack down one of the door panels. Another bang. And another. 

She backed into the corner, knocking into his bed frame. 

By the time the door was split open enough for him to get his hand around to the lock, she was trembling on the floor. 

He pinned her to her spot. “Don’t ever look at me.” He repeated. “Don’t come into my room. Don’t talk to me at school.” Something warm fell on her face, but when she looked up at him his hair obscured everything. “You don’t fucking belong here.”

And that was the start of their rules. 

—------------------------------------------------------------

The apartment was surrounded by reporters. 

Finn couldn’t get to class and Rose couldn’t stop peeking out the window, counting the different channels that showed up with full camera crews. 

Rey hid out in the bathroom, scrubbing her hands every few minutes when she noticed another spec of dirt. 

The police car was faster than her, getting to Ben on the driveway before she could. Neighbors were outside gawking at the burning house. She ran towards Ben but someone stopped her and she fell onto the lawn. No matter how hard she clawed at the ground, the grip on her was stronger. Someone whispered in her ear but she screamed over it. They put Ben in the back of the police car. 

She woke up in her apartment with Finn and Rose hovering over her anxiously. 

Her hands were raw from washing them. The exhaustion she saw in Luke’s face last night was twin to hers. Dark circles around her eyes. Hair a mess. Lips chapped and bright red. She wanted to punch the mirror until it turned to fractals of light and nothing else. Less than dust. 

But it wouldn’t summon him. That’s not how it worked anymore. It would never work like that again. 

Finn knocked. “Cookies?”

Rey exited the bathroom. “I have to go down to the station to see him.”

“We were worried you might say that.” Rose handed Rey a jacket. “You can sneak down the fire escape on the other side of the building.”

The jacket was big on her – it must have been Finn’s – and the window easily lifted. Before she left, she turned to her friends. Two faces she’d known almost as long as she knew the Solos. Faces that she knew in anger, in silence, in laughter, in fear, in joy, in trepidation. Faces she fell in love with, gracelessly, bound together by the opportunity to fail one another and still come back. 

“What will you two do?”

“Oh,” Rose half-smiled, “we’re going to go over to Finn’s parents’ house. They’re shocked about what happened and they wanted to see us. All of us,” she nodded, “but everyone understands.” 

She pictured the four of them standing in front of the ashes. Remarking on what was left of the structure. What was left of the Solo family. In that moment she wanted to tell them, for once, the deepest most penetrating thought she had. “I wish Han had been in the house.” 

Instead of recoiling or reprimanding her, they helped her climb out the window and watched until she was safely on the ground. Rey walked to the station thinking about all the silences she’d endured, wondering for the first time if some of them–if only just a few–were love. 

—------------------------------------------------------------------

Balancing on the ledge next to a row of potted plants, Rey chewed her sandwich slowly. Outside, groups of juniors and seniors clustered across the school lawn, eating and playing frisbee. She immediately noticed Ben, not just from his towering height but from the tether she felt, always searching for him, like a flower trying to grow towards the sun. But he wasn’t the sun. He was the moon. And he wanted her in darkness. 

His arm was around Paige Tico, the Senior girl Poe Dameron used to date. She watched Ben feed her a piece of cake from a paper plate. There were balloons around her. 

The last time she tried to eat cake in front of Ben he called her a slut. She wanted to open the window and call Paige Tico a slut but before she could someone’s voice startled her out of her fantasy. 

“A little creepy, don’t you think.” It was Poe Dameron. He was in the memory she’d been thinking about. 

“I’m just eating lunch.” She scrunched up smaller, hoping that Ben wouldn’t look over to the window. 

He smirked. “Have you ever been on a date, Rey?”

She looked out at Ben smiling with his friends. Giving himself to Paige Tico, while she sat inside a room, alone. A room full of sunlight that could never make her grow. 

“No.” She muttered. 

“Will you let me take you to prom, Rey?”

She almost choked on a bite of peanut butter and bread. “Prom? But I’m a sophomore.”

“Last I checked, yes.” 

The peanut butter dissolved slowly on her tongue. “Don’t you hate me?” 

He shrugged. “To-may-to, to-mah-to.” 

Wheat crust flew through the air, hitting him in the nose. He brushed it off. “That’s gonna attract ants now.” 

“Then pick it up.” She turned away from him, settling back into her corner. 

There was some noise and then Poe Dameron was in front of her, wedging himself into the little window pocket opposite her. “Huh.” 

“What?”

“I get why you come down here.” 

“What do you really want from me?” 

He took out a piece of paper and, to Rey’s surprise, started reading from it. “Love is my sin, and thy dear virtue hate—ah, fuck it.” He chucked the paper. “Whatever. I think you’re hot. I don’t care about your big dumb brother. I want to take you to prom.”

She didn’t want to grow in darkness. She wanted Ben to look at her. 

“Okay. I’ll go to prom with you.” 

—--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If there were swarms of reporters at the apartment, the police station was a stampede. At the center of it all she saw Luke. It was hard to hear him over all the shouting. He looked harrowed. She waved to get his attention but there were too many cameras. 

So she barreled her way through the reporters instead. One of them recognized her. 

“ Rey! Rey Solo! Youngest Solo child! Rey, are you here to visit your brother? Did you know about the arson? Was this his plan all along? Is Ben connected to any of the charges against Han? Was it a father and son crime duo? ”

Rey punched the microphone away and aimed for the woman’s face next but she scuttled back. The whole crowd did. 

Luke came down from the steps, arms already blocking her from view. “That’s enough. When there is a press conference, you’ll know. Otherwise, go home.” He stared everyone down until they left. 

When he finally let Rey out from behind his arms she was still fuming. “They’re just making shit up. How are they allowed to do that?” Luke gave her a pitying look. “And you just let them ?”

“I didn’t let them do anything. I have a job. I can’t fly off the handle whenever I want.”

“She accused Ben of being involved!”

“I’m surprised to hear you defend him. He did just commit arson.” 

In her mind she saw Ben crouched on his knees, hands streaked with mud. “Do you have proof?”

“ Proof ?” Luke’s eyes widened. “He was found in front of a burning house, with a rock in his hand. The same rocks that shattered the windows. I pulled you away from him .” 

His voice sounded foggy to her, split between then and now. Here and gone. “You should have left me.” 

“No,” his face fell, “I should have intervened. Much sooner. I should have stopped them from adopting you.” 

“Well they did, you fucking – useless – old – man !” She punctuated her words with all the force her body could muster, shoving him repeatedly. “Why are you even out here? GO INSIDE. DO SOMETHING.”

He stumbled back, but she was too caught up in sobs to check his face, to see if he would heed her words. Pretty soon she was all alone in the parking lot, slumped to her knees like Ben, feeling so many things at once that fire alone wouldn’t be enough to put it out. 

—---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The hallway smelled like smoked tomatoes and onions. Finn, Rose, and Finn’s parents were standing in the kitchen while Finn’s mother passed around a ladle.