We Are Bulletproof

Namjoon doesn't pretend, not even for a second, that he doesn't know what Seokjin does to keep them all going. That Seokjin gave up everything so the rest of them could have a chance at something better.

Notes:

Warning: Mentions of consensual underage sex having had happened in the past

Chapter Text

Namjoon doesn't pretend, not even for a second, that he doesn't know what Seokjin does to keep them all going.

He also doesn't pretend, even for a moment, that he doesn't know that Seokjin used to have big dreams. That Seokjin was the best in his classes in school, that he was dreaming of going to law school and making lots of money and then helping abandoned orphans like them.

He also doesn't pretend that he doesn't know Seokjin had a chance to leave all of them to find a better life for himself and leave the rest of them in the gutters.

He doesn't pretend that he doesn't know Seokjin took all their hands out of the abusive orphanage, carrying Jungkook in his arms even though Jungkook was big by then, when he was just 14, Yoongi was 13, Namjoon and Hoseok were 12, Jimin and Taehyung were 11, and Jungkook was 9, found them all a house to live in, and quit school so he could work.

He doesn't pretend that he doesn't notice Yoongi's frown being permanently etched to his face, every time Seokjin comes back to the tiny rented space they share, looking like death and clutching bills in his hands, limping. Sometimes he has bruises on his face, finger-shaped bruises dark and cruel on his thin neck, and the stack of bills he brings home is a lot bigger.

Seokjin is now 19, Yoongi is 18, Namjoon and Hoseok are 17, Jimin and Taehyung are 16, and Jungkook is 14. Seokjin's been selling his body as a street whore for almost the entire time since they left. At first, Namjoon hadn't got that was what Seokjin did, even though Yoongi had always understood. Seokjin first worked as a milk boy, a newspaper boy, and a fast food deliverer all at once, running miles and miles every day because he couldn't afford a bike. One day he'd been out late working at night, some drunk businessman had offered him 20,000 won to give him a blowjob.

Namjoon knows Seokjin makes a lot more now - more expensive than what most street whores charge. But Seokjin's not a normal street whore. Namjoon's learned Seokjin is somewhat of an exclusive commodity. He's traded and sought out by the rich, elite businessmen who's looking for a little racy. Sometimes, Seokjin gets caught in bed by the wife. If he gets hurt by the wives, the men pay him extra. Sometimes, the wives come looking for Seokjin and pay him to keep quiet. Seokjin's nickname on the street is Jin, the porcelain doll.

It leaves a bitter taste in Namjoon's mouth, seeing Seokjin come back home when they're all getting ready to go out, clutching bills in his hands that he carefully smooths out. Some of it go into the drawer that Seokjin and Yoongi keep. It's technically free for any one of them to open and take from, but no one does. Some of it go to Yoongi, who will go deposit it at their bank. The rest of it gets handed out in mornings, for lunch money to the rest of them, and for school fees if Jimin and Taehyung and Jungkook have any.

"Hey, you're up early," Seokjin says, smiling tiredly at him. There are bruises on his wrists, and Seokjin walks with a permanent limp now except when he's attracting clients. "How's that song you and Hoseok are working on?"

Namjoon doesn’t pretend that Seokjin could be doing better, five years after whoring himself, if he and Hoseok just give up music. If they hadn't dropped out of school to do this. Yoongi used to make music with them, except until one night Seokjin came home for the first time with bruises around his neck. Yoongi'd quit immediately after that and had found a job as a waiter somewhere, where he toils almost the entire day and adds to the little they have.

Namjoon knows that if he and Hoseok stop renting out the studio, both Seokjin and Yoongi could have it easier. Yoongi wouldn't have to get up at seven in the morning after coming back home at 3 AM. Seokjin would actually have time to go to the hospital, get a checkup that's for more than just STDs, and actually get a good night's sleep. But every time he thinks of quitting, Seokjin smiles, pats him on the head and says, "No, you and Hoseok keep doing what you want. I didn't mean for Yoongi to quit, either."

Namjoon isn't an idiot. He knows the chance they have at success is next to zero. Who wants to listen to a couple of kids fooling around in a crappy studio? Seokjin isn't stupid, either, and he's got no delusions about how the world runs - in fact, he probably knows it the best. But he still encourages both of them. "I'll support you for as long as I can," he tells them.

All seven of them know that Seokjin's more likely to die before he hits an age old enough that he's not attractive anymore. Namjoon can't quite imagine Seokjin as 'not attractive'; it just doesn’t happen in his head. But the chances of Seokjin just not coming home one day are high. They'll never know, Namjoon thinks, and wants to throw up. They'll never know if someone just left Seokjin to die in a dirty alley, and Namjoon knows that scares Yoongi the most. It scares all of them the most.

"Wait, take money for food," Seokjin says, when Namjoon shuffles his feet into his old sneakers. "You aren't going with Hoseok?" He hands Namjoon three 10,000 won bills. "Don't eat fast food. Eat properly. You and Hoseok keep getting thinner and thinner." Namjoon wants to yell at Seokjin, point out how he's the thinnest out of all seven of them with ribs countable under the loose shirt he's wearing.

"Hyung, I don't need 30,000 won." He mumbles. "Even a bowl of jjajangmyun is 5,000 won. If we get ddukbokki from that place across the street, the lady charges us 2,000 and gives us enough to last an entire day."

"Don't eat jjajangmyun or ddukbokki. Eat something proper."

"We still don't need 30,000 won." Namjoon grumbles. He shoves two of the bills back at Seokjin. "10,000 won is plenty."

"Nam-"

Namjoon slams the door in Seokjin's face before he can finish. He feels like shit immediately afterward, because he's perfectly aware Seokjin gives up everything so the rest of them doesn't have to. The least he can do for Seokjin is be a good kid, but every time he sees Seokjin, always looking like he's going to snap in half if the wind blows too hard, he's reminded of everything he's failed at so far and he just gets pissed.

He seriously considers going back to apologize and instead ends up squatting in front of their door, wallowing in self-hatred until the door opens again and Hoseok comes stumbling out. He catches Namjoon being stupid by himself and sticks his head back in. "Don't come out, hyung. Get some rest. You look like shit." There's a soft laughter from inside and Hoseok sticks his arm inside, no doubt to rub Seokjin's cheek. "I'll get Namjoon fed."

He closes the door and squats next to Namjoon. Namjoon grumbles, "Punch me. I'd feel better."

"You're fucking retarded." Hoseok says, but doesn't punch him. "Why the fuck do you wanna go to the studio at six in the morning, anyway? Not even Yoongi-hyung's awake yet. I woke up because you were being so loud to Seokjin-hyung."

"I dunno I was - I couldn't sleep. I was just waiting for him to come home and then when I saw the bruises on his wrists I just snapped."

Hoseok doesn't say anything and just scowls at the mentions of the bruises. "Come on, let's go. He's getting those bruises to pay for our studio. Might as well use the whole fucking day."

Hoseok and Namjoon have flip phones. They're old things that don't break no matter how many times Hoseok and Namjoon drop them. They'd originally said they don't need phones at all, but Seokjin had insisted on it. "I can't keep an eye on all of you anymore, but Yoongi can," he'd said, handing them the flip phones. "I'll get you the more expensive ones later, once we save more money."

Yoongi has the same kind, except he doesn't drop his. They all know how much Seokjin worked and starved to buy phones so they can contact each other.

Taehyung and Jimin and Jungkook all have smartphones. Seokjin had beamed at Christmas when he handed it to them, looking like he was the one receiving presents. "You know, because, the three of you go to school. And people get bullied for those things." Taehyung had started crying on the spot as Jimin just stared and Jungkook looked like he was looking at the most fragile thing on earth.

Namjoon knows all three of them barely touch their phones unless they need it, because they're scared it'll break or they'll accidentally download something that costs a huge extra. So it's weird that Hoseok's phone vibrates hard enough to fall to the floor. "Shit," Hoseok says, bending to reach for his phone. He flips it open and frowns. "Taehyung says Seokjin-hyung hasn't texted him that he's eaten yet and that he won't pick up calls."

The text to Namjoon reads the same. Yoongi has Taehyung check up on Seokjin all the time, mostly because they're scared Seokjin will get sick while he's at home alone during the day and none of them will know until it's too late. They've worked out a system so Seokjin will text Taehyung at about 2-3 in the afternoon, telling him that he's awake now and that he's eaten. Namjoon suspects Seokjin doesn't actually eat (they all kind of suspect this), but the point is he's up and okay.

Neither of them even hesitate getting up, locking their booth and heading straight back home.

It turns out Seokjin had been just sleeping, dead to the world. "Sorry," he says, groggily, and when he's wearing just a loose shirt that hangs off one shoulder, Namjoon can see all the hickeys littered on his shoulders. He wonders what Seokjin went through last night that makes him sleep through Taehyung's multiple texts and calls, and then wonders what other injuries Seokjin is hiding under his clothes. Wonders, for a sick moment, how much more he got paid for doing that. "Taehyung didn't have to call you guys."

"Of course he did." Hoseok says, rubbing his chest down in relief. "Let's get something to eat while we're here anyway."

Seokjin unsteadily rises to his feet. "I'll cook something."

"Hyung, that's not what I meant-"

"I know." Seokjin smiles, The sleep's still not gone from his eyes yet and it makes him look adorably messy. "But it's been a long, long time since I cooked lunch for the two of you."

Seokjin can make masterpieces from basically nothing, so it's not to say Namjoon isn't looking forward to homemade food after always eating out. But Seokjin also looks like he might collapse if Namjoon touches him too hard. Hoseok apparently thinks the same, because he says, "Hyung, you cooked last Sunday. Are you sure you don't want anything to eat out? You never eat out."

"I want to cook for you guys. I never cooked lunch!" Seokjin insists, and there's no winning Seokjin. None of them can win over Seokjin. So Hoseok and Namjoon settle for hanging out awkwardly, hovering in case Seokjin actually does collapse. It's not long before whatever Seokjin's whipped up in their sorry excuse for a kitchen with the sorry excuse of groceries they have in their fridge smells absolutely mouthwatering.

Hoseok digs in first. "I don't know how you do it, hyung." He moans around his mouthful. "This tastes like fucking heaven."

"Language," Seokjin scolds, but he's grinning. "It's like the two of you and Yoongi were born with trashy mouths. You've been cursing ever since I can remember. You used to always get in trouble for it, too."

Namjoon rolls his eyes. "That fucker would have found other ways to hit us even if we didn't curse." He doesn't point out that Seokjin always used to get hit all the time, and he was the always the model student.

Seokjin hums in agreement. He doesn't eat much, mostly because he needs to stay thin. "Eat up, hyung," Namjoon chides softly, and Seokjin eats about half the bowl before deciding he's done. Namjoon eyes the half-finished bowl with distaste. Seokjin's thin enough as he is, already nothing but bone and skin. It makes him angry when he overhears Seokjin asking Yoongi if he thinks he's gained weight.

"I think you'd look better with more weight," Hoseok says, a little bristled. "You're so thin."

Seokjin laughs. "There are newer, prettier boys on the streets now. My shoulders are already too broad. I have to at least stay thin."

Namjoon doesn't know how anyone could be prettier than Seokjin. He's seen Seokjin in full getup right before he goes out. Seokjin never puts on too much or puts on anything flashy or slutty. His eyes gets a dash of thin, black liner on top and white on bottom to make his eyes stand out, a dab of shiny pink gloss on the lips to make his already-pouty lips even more attractive, and clear mascara. He doesn't dress in tight clothes, or anything flashy or trashy or slutty. He's always in dark skinny jeans and a cheap t-shirt that he pairs and matches with other accessories to make it look like it was bought with a million dollars. Sometimes he puts on huge knits that make him look like he's ten years younger, and when it gets colder he gets a jacket, but that's it.

And that makes him, in Namjoon's opinion, exponentially prettier than the other hookers looking to get paid.

Namjoon thinks if he could just get the labels to listen to some of their stuff, they'd like it. The stuff he and Hoseok (and Yoongi, before he stopped) make are better than half the shit that's out there right now, and he's being as objective as possible. But when you're two teenagers dropped out of school working in a rathole of a studio, and all you can send in are mixtapes without any sort of recommendations or agents, most of your hard work gets filtered and thrown out before it even can be listened to.

At first, Namjoon and Hoseok and Yoongi had been in it for the music. Because they liked dropping beats and spitting rhymes. But as time passed and Seokjin spread himself thinner and Yoongi quit to make minimum wage, Namjoon realized that maybe money couldn't buy you happiness, but without money you couldn't fucking be happy. Or live. He wanted to strangle the little flowery idols who sang about not needing money and point them to Seokjin, who gave up everything because they didn't have money.

So now Namjoon and Hoseok's goals are to get fucking noticed. They've dumbed down their music, to more pop-ized rap than the hardcore hip hop they'd set out with. They stopped being picky with labels. Stopped scoffing at the pop labels and just sent everything everywhere.

If he and Hoseok can get their songs out and start getting loyalties, at the very least Seokjin can stop selling sex. That's all Namjoon wants: for Seokjin to get his life back.

Sundays are when everyone is home, when Yoongi's restaurant lets him off for the day, when Taehyung and Jimin and Jungkook don't have school or even independent study, when Hoseok and Namjoon take a break from their music-making. Seokjin doesn't exactly take the day off, but he doesn't leave until almost midnight anyway, so everyone is home.

To Jungkook, Seokjin is his more than the brother he is on paper. He’s a parent. Namjoon is well aware Jungkook refers to Seokjin as his mother to the other boys at his school, telling them things like that his mother packed him the lunch. When he needs to get his things signed, he gives them to Seokjin, and the relationship is always 'mother'. He knows Seokjin knows it as well. Out of all of them, Jungkook probably is the most attached to Seokjin. They all love Seokjin - fuck, they all love one another and Namjoon can't imagine a world without any one of them - but if Seokjin were to disappear, Jungkook would probably be hit the hardest. Not that Seokjin would disappear, Namjoon thinks hastily.

And on Sundays, Jungkook commandeers Seokjin's full attention. He's got his arms wrapped around Seokjin's waist, lying on the floor with his head on Seokjin's lap as they all watch a movie on their tiny 2nd-hand TV. "You've gotten thinner," Jungkook frowns, poking at Seokjin's side.

"Quit, Jungkook, that tickles." Seokjin says, stifling laughter. "I haven't gotten thinner. I've been eating more than I usually do." Jungkook makes a disbelieving noise but tugs Seokjin closer, rubbing his nose into Seokjin's side. Seokjin chuckles fondly. "You never really grew up, did you? You're still a little kid?"

"Only to you," Jimin snorts, taking a chug of his soda. They all know - even Seokjin knows - that all of them drink (except for Seokjin, who swears alcohol is going to give him a gut), but Seokjin is not going to allow underage drinking right in front of him. So they drink soda when Seokjin's around and Seokjin pretends not to notice the beer and soju in the fridge. "You should see him at school. He's a monster."

Jungkook glares daggers at Jimin, but it's not something they don't know. Seokjin reads all of the trio's report cards and highlights all the bad remarks. Jungkook usually gets the worst, with scathing comments about his cocky personality and attitude problem. The problem for the teachers, though, is that they can't completely tell him off because Jungkook keeps up with his studies. It's hard for him not to, not when they all know what Seokjin gave up to put them through decent education.

Out of all of them, Taehyung is the best at studies. It kind of surprises Namjoon, to be honest, because Taehyung is usually such an idiot. But every single time when report cards come out, Taehyung comes glowing while Jungkook comes back grumbling and scuffling his shoes. Taehyung can't show Seokjin his report card fast enough. They're filled with glowing reports about his performance and personality and fulfillment of role as class president, about how he's so popular with the other kids and he's so great at helping teachers and all about how far his teachers expect him to go.

(Jungkook, on the other hand, gets grudging admittance on his exemplary grades followed with scathing remarks on everything else, usually topped with 'if only he was more like his brother'.)

It's not the first time Seokjin's called into school because of Jungkook. Seokjin's dressed cleanly in crisp slacks and a button up, and he's got the air of someone who's done this multiple times, sitting straight with a resolute face. He's managed to stuff Namjoon into the same get up, but Namjoon's sitting low in the chair, slumped and scowling. "Namjoon, please," Seokjin hisses in a whisper. "Sit up straight."

Namjoon does, for a second, until he's sliding down again. Seokjin sighs exasperatedly. Usually, it's Yoongi who does this - they're the 'mom' and 'dad' of the family, but Yoongi's used up all of his off days going to Jungkook's previous problems, and Hoseok had very coincidentally come down with a stomachache. (Namjoon swears he's going to kill the bastard.)

"Ah, fuck." Jungkook says, when he's ushered into the principal's office and sees Seokjin and Namjoon. "Why the hell are you here and where's Yoongi-hyung?"

"Oh, god, the three of you are rubbing off on Jungkook." Seokjin moans. "Jungkook, don't curse. What happened?" He stands up and takes Jungkook's face in his hands, tilting it up to examine the bruises and cuts that bandaids and ointments have been slathered over.

"Jungkook ," the principal says, clearing his throat, "attacked another boy. For the fifth time this semester already."

Seokjin bites his lip. "Jungkook, why? You promised after last time that you wouldn't-"

"Because," Jungkook snaps, "he called you a two-cent whore. Just like all the other fuckers who I punched the shit out of before that."

There's silence in the room, and Namjoon's hands clench into fists. "Jungkook," Seokjin says, his voice soft. "Don't curse. There's no one in here that you can talk to like that. Namjoon, I told you and Yoongi and Hoseok not to curse in front of the boys like that." Namjoon doesn't have a reply to that so he just glares at the floor.

It goes to show just how many times Jungkook has got in trouble when the principal tells Seokjin, "I was hoping it would be longer before I saw you again, Mr. Kim."

"Me too," Seokjin sighs, glaring sharply at Jungkook. Jungkook slumps down in his seat, glaring holes into the floor.

It's like both of them forgot what Jungkook had spat out. Namjoon is shaking with barely contained anger when the there's a sharp knock and Seokjin's expression goes carefully blank. Namjoon looks up to see a mean-looking woman walking in with a boy that's black and blue in the face. For a moment, surprise flits across Seokjin's face, and then he sighs.

This is the brat that called Seokjin a two-cent whore, Namjoon thinks, and has a hard time keeping himself from punching the kid in the face.

The principal introduces both families and the mother starts spitting insults at Seokjin's face. Namjoon almost growls out loud but Seokjin looks carefully calm. Before anyone can say anything, Jungkook snaps, "Bitch, shut the fuck up. I was the one who punched your son, not hyung."

"Jungkook, if I hear another curse or anything else disrespectful out of your mouth again, you'll regret it." Seokjin hisses. Jungkook scowls at the floor but shuts his mouth.

The mother stands and points at Jungkook. "He needs to be expelled." Namjoon thinks that's a little harsh, considering her son called Seokjin a whore. And boys fucking fight, get the hell used to it. Seokjin, on the other hand, looks like he expected the outburst. "It's not good influence for the other students to have someone from such a broken family come to school like this. He calls his brother his mother. And his brother," she hisses at Seokjin, "isn't exactly the best role model there is."

Namjoon decides he's going to punch the bitch in her face, after all. But Seokjin steps hard on his foot. The principal thankfully clears his throat to speak up. "Taehyung is from the same background. Jimin does fine, too. I don't think this is as much a problem with his fostering-"

"He's a PROSTITUTE."

There's a thick silence in the room. Jungkook hisses but Seokjin grabs him before he can jump up. "I'm sorry this has happened." Seokjin says. "But as you do know, we are from a difficult family. It's hard for boys in puberty like Jungkook." He stands, and before Namjoon or Jungkook can stop him, drops on his knees.

Namjoon stares, dumbfounded, and Jungkook's jaw drops open. Even the mother looks surprised. "Hyung," Jungkook hisses, reaching to grab Seokjin. Seokjin doesn't get up.

"I'm sorry. I know your son's hurt. I know Jungkook's a troublemaker, but he can't face expulsion. I'll do anything to ask for your forgiveness."

Jungkook is trembling visibly with anger. He grabs Seokjin, yanks him off of his knees, and drops to a kneel himself instead. Namjoon's jaw hits the floor, as does the boy's. Jungkook hesitates for a moment but then goes into a deep bow, pressing his forehead against the floor. "Sorry." He says, his voice shaking. "It won't happen ever again." His voice is muffled against the floor.

Chapter 2 Chapter Text

Jungkook gets off with a week's suspension. Seokjin is silent on the bus ride back home. "Hyung, you're not thinking of doing stupid like leaving us, are you?" Jungkook whispers.

Namjoon is thankful that Seokjin looks genuinely surprised like the thought hadn't occurred to him at all. "Don't be idiotic," Seokjin says, smiling lightly for the first time the entire day. "I brought you all out of the orphanage because I was confident I could steer you all in the best directions. That hasn't changed. Sure, Jungkook's being a little brattier than I originally expected-" Jungkook scowls at this, but Seokjin's smiling anyway - "but I'm not going anywhere. Don't worry."

Neither Seokjin nor Namjoon talk about what happened at Jungkook's school, but Jungkook gets pissed drunk and he blabs it to Yoongi and Hoseok.

"Don't fucking kneel for anyone," Yoongi tells Seokjin, when they finally get Jungkook riled down enough to go to sleep. "I don't give a fuck what people want. You don't kneel for anyone."

It's just him and Hoseok and Yoongi and Seokjin. Seokjin's taking the rare indulgence in a beer. He sighs, "The husband was one of my clients and his wife caught us last week. That's probably where this came from. It was completely my fault. Jungkook can't get expelled, Yoongi. Plus, I'm on my knees all the time anyway."

Namjoon wants to throw up at the image of Seokjin on his knees taking whatever his customers feel like doing to him that day. He scowls and takes another shot of soju.

"I don't give a fuck." Yoongi snaps, slamming his fists in the table. "Don't kneel for anyone. What the fuck does that bitch think she is, calling you a whore? Maybe if she was prettier or better in bed she wouldn't be having this fucking problem."

Seokjin lets out a weak laugh. "Stop it. She's right; I am a whore. She didn't do anything wrong." Hoseok scowls into the shot glass. Yoongi downs another shot, and Namjoon follows suit. Seokjin sighs again and traces the rim of the beer can. "I'm going on a trip."

"Hyung, if this is because of the Jungkook thing-"

"No, I... I'm getting paid to go. It'll be four days. I wasn't going to go but we have to pay for the other boy's hospital fees and... we can always use the extra money."

Seokjin looks sad and Namjoon has to force himself to look away.

When Seokjin comes back, he looks like he's about to die. He collapses as soon as he walks in, and Taehyung dives to catch him. He pales and whispers, "Holy shit, he's burning up."

Hoseok tugs their blankets and comforters out and Taehyung half-carries, half-drags Seokjin to the bedding. Namjoon starts punching a text to Yoongi, who's still at work. Seokjin's throat is bruised ugly again and he's breathing in fevered gasps.

"What's wrong with him?!" Jimin demands, pulling Seokjin up against him and pushing sweat-damp hair out of his eyes. Hoseok is already pulling off the clothes, torn in places and soaked through with cold sweat, and Namjoon isn't prepared for what he sees. Jimin whispers, "Oh my god."

Seokjin has bruises and cuts everywhere. Some are still bleeding sluggishly, and when Taehyung turns him over, there are deep, angry welts that look like they're from a whip, spreading from his shoulders down to his thighs. Jungkook is frozen. Usually it's Yoongi who takes care of Seokjin's post-sex injuries. None of them have really seen Seokjin so bad.

"There's antiseptic and bandages in Yoongi's drawer." Seokjin whispers softly. Namjoon hasn't even realized he's awake. "Go bring them, Jungkook." Jungkook snaps out from his daze to burst up. He brings back the entire first aid kit and Seokjin struggles to sit up. "Antiseptic." He nods to Namjoon, who takes the bottle. His hands are shaking badly, and Seokjin smiles tiredly. “Just pour it. No point fussing with the gauze.”

Namjoon tries to get as much of it spread as possible and ends up using the entire bottle. Jimin and he work on wrapping Seokjin up, and then before long Yoongi is bursting in through the front door. “Hyung!” Yoongi cries, snatching the gauze out of Jimin’s hands. “Fuck, you guys are doing it wrong.” Yoongi unwraps half of what Jimin and Namjoon had blundered through, but by the time he’s done, the bandages are clean and neat, tight around Seokjin’s torso.

“Don’t you have work?” Seokjin asks, grabbing onto Jimin to pull himself up. “Taehyung, my bag, please.”

“Namjoon texted me and told me you walked through the door, collapsed, and had injuries everywhere.” Yoongi snaps. “I told my manager I was going to quit if he stopped me. He can’t fire me. I do slave work for barely any wage.” He takes the bag Taehyung brings over, opens it, and rubs his face drily. “We’ll use some of it for your hospital. You need treatment.”

Seokjin shakes his head. “No. I can’t work until I heal up again, and that’s just wasting money, then. I’ll be fine at home.” His eyes are drooping shut, like he can't quite manage staying awake. Yoongi scowls like he wants to protest, but Seokjin squeezes his hand and his breathing falls even.

Hoseok snatches the bag from Yoongi's hands and upends it, and bills pour out of the bag. "What the-" Taehyung jumps, staring at the bills. "This is a lot of money."

Yoongi stares at the pile. "It's not that much if you consider the fact that Seokjin has to stay home to recover for a while." He starts smoothing out the bills, separating the 1,000 won bills, the 5,000 won bills, and the 10,000 bills from each other. Jimin fishes out the few 50,000 bills that are in the mess.

It totals up to quite a lot of money. Yoongi puts the big bills into the drawer and carefully rubber bands the smaller bills. "I'm going to the bank and then grocery shopping. Taehyung, Jungkook, you two come with me."

Both of them get up without a word of complaint, glancing at where Seokjin is sleeping pressed up against Jimin. Jungkook runs a frustrated hand through his hair before leaving with Yoongi. Namjoon buries his face in his hands. "I need a smoke," he says into his hands.

Jimin looks up with wide eyes. "Don't you dare. If Seokjin-hyung even heard you say that, he'd freak out."

"I wouldn't actually." Namjoon feels like total shit. He wonders if Seokjin comes home like this often, and wonders how many times Yoongi patched him up when everyone else was asleep. "But fuck, I need one so fucking bad."

Jimin doesn't say anything. He just snuggles into the blanket, slowly so he doesn't bother Seokjin's sleep.

It kind of works out because Jungkook is going to be home anyway for three more days from his suspension, plus the weekend. Seokjin mostly sleeps - sometimes he gets up and lets Hoseok or Namjoon feed him, but that's about it. He doesn't even bother showering, which amuses Namjoon a little because Seokjin is usually so adamant about appearances.

But then it makes him sad remembering Seokjin's only putting it off because he's too tired or sick to do otherwise.

The problem arises when Jungkook has to go back to school. "You aren't skipping," Seokjin says, tugging the blanket around him. He's been feverish since he came back, and it hasn't really broken. It makes Yoongi worried and Namjoon nervous, but every time Yoongi unwraps Seokjin's bandages to redo at night, his back is healing nicely, so Yoongi just slathers ointment and redoes the bandages. "Remember you promised me that you wouldn't cause any more problems?"

Jungkook scowls at the breakfasts table, but doesn't say anything.

In the end, Namjoon and Hoseok stay home. They convince Seokjin that it really is nice to just laze around at home, and that they can do a lot of stuff at home, anyway, with a pen and a piece of paper. "I don't think we could work anyway, worried like shit about you." Hoseok says, gleefully watching Seokjin peel an apple for them.

Seokjin isn't so weak that he's completely bedbound now. He's still slightly feverish, and coughs constantly, but he can get up. He helps Jimin and Jungkook with homework, packs lunch for Yoongi, stays up with Taehyung, and listens to all of Hoseok and Namjoon's stuff.

"This is nice," Yoongi says, his head in Seokjin's lap as Seokjin looks over Jimin's homework.

Namjoon agrees. It's so nice to have Seokjin home all day, adjusting to regular sleep schedule and just doing everyday things. He almost wishes Seokjin won't heal so fast so he can just stay home for longer, but Seokjin's back is more or less patched up. He's waiting for the bruising to even out, so Namjoon knows it's only a matter of time before Seokjin is out on the streets again.

Yoongi raises his hand and reaches up to hook his hand behind Seokjin's neck. The angle is awkward and Seokjin has to bend forward a little for Yoongi to do it, and Namjoon stares. They're just smiling at each other, with Yoongi's hand rubbing small circles into Seokjin's neck as Seokjin plays with the black strands of Yoongi's hair, but suddenly Namjoon feels like he's interrupting something.

"How come you two aren't coming in lately?" Namjoon looks up to see one of the others that uses the studio, just in a different booth. Hoseok and he are on a convenience store run because Seokjin was craving riceballs from the store across the street.

Hoseok shrugs. "Yo, Hyosang-hyung. Our brother is sick. No one else to take care of him, so we are.” He digs out the spicy tuna ones that Seokjin likes. He turns to Namjoon with one in each hand. “You think he wants, like, multiple?”

“Wait, our brother? Like you two share a brother?” Hyosang raises an eyebrow so high it disappears under his bangs. “You two are related? Like, brothers? You don’t look anything alike, though. Wait, and you’re the same age.”

On paper, all of them are listed as brothers, under the last name Kim. Only Seokjin, Namjoon, and Taehyung had originally been born with that surname. But Seokjin went around, bribing government officials and sleeping with everyone he could to get their paperwork filed quickly. They had much less requirements than necessary – for one, Seokjin was nowhere near the age to file as the legal guardian for any of them – but Namjoon knows Seokjin had gotten the papers pushed through with sex.

Seokjin had been so happy declaring all of them as a legal family. Now, he’d said, encasing the papers in plastic folders and pushing them carefully into the drawer under their single computer, no one can take you guys from me, not even by law.

“Weirder things have happened,” Namjoon shrugs, reaching past Hoseok to grab more. “Let’s just take all the spicy tuna. If he doesn’t eat them, we could.”

Seokjin has so little appetite lately that they're happy to just hear that he wants any kind of food. They end up buying 10 rice balls and sneaks in some chocolate and soda with the remaining money. Hyosang sticks around. “Can I come visit?”

Namjoon shrugs. "Why not? Yoongi-hyung doesn't like visitors, but it's not like he doesn't know you."

Hyosang stares. "Yoongi? Like, Suga?"

It's been a while since Namjoon or Hoseok's heard Yoongi's music-making name. Hoseok sighs. "Wow, been a while since I heard that." He rubs his head, frowning a little as he takes the bag of rice balls. "Yeah, Suga-hyung."

"Suga is related to you too? Is he the brother that's sick?"

"No, uh, that's another brother. Our oldest brother."

"How many brothers do you have?"

If Hyosang's surprised by their run-down sorry excuse for a living space, he doesn't show it. Namjoon's aware Hyosang's not really from the richest family either, so Hyosang probably isn't judging anyway. "Hyung," Hoseok calls, as they walk through the door. "We've got a friend with us."

Seokjin's on the couch, reading what Namjoon recognizes as the book Jungkook's supposed to be doing a book report on. He looks up and Namjoon hears Hyosang take a sharp breath. "Hi," Seokjin says, standing on slightly shaky legs. "I'm Seokjin." A smile spreads across Seokjin's lips and Namjoon rolls his eyes when Hyosang stutters out a reply. "I'll go peel some fruit or something-"

"Hyung, don't bother, it's just Hyosang-hyung. You're sick. Here, eat some spicy tuna riceballs."

Seokjin takes the bag and laughs at the contents. "Why'd you buy so many?"

Hoseok shrugs, grinning as he slings his arm across Seokjin's shoulders. "Because you wanted to eat them! We'll eat whatever you can't."

Seokjin laughs exasperatedly, shaking his head as Namjoon pushes him back down onto the couch. Namjoon peels the riceball for him, tugging the plastic wrap off and tucking the blanket around Seokjin a little more tightly. "You're really pretty." Hyosang blurts.

Seokjin smiles and says, "Thanks."

"Don't even think about it, Hyosang-hyung." Namjoon warns. "Yoongi-hyung will murder you even if you just think about it."

Two weeks pass and while Seokjin's injuries have more or less healed, his fever doesn't get any better. "I don't like this." Yoongi says, pressing a cool towel to Seokjin's forehead. "You need to go to the hospital."

"I'm fine," Seokjin mutters against Namjoon's side, although it's pretty obvious that he's anything but. Namjoon and Hoseok's been staying home, sub-leasing their studio (to be honest, they're kind of surprised anyone wants to use that piece of trash). "I don't need to go to the hospital."

"You need an STD check, too." Yoongi points out quietly, rubbing the towel down to pat away the cold sweat.

Seokjin shakes his head. "He was clean. I had him before. If I wasn't confident about it I wouldn't have come back here without getting a checkup first." He winces as he shifts. Namjoon's noticed his sides are tender, and any sort of movement makes him whimper in pain.

Yoongi scowls, brushing his hands through Seokjin's hair. "Seokjin-hyung."

"I'm okay."

Namjoon just holds Seokjin as tightly as he can without hurting him.

It's a week after that when he gets a call from Hyosang. [Yo, you and Hoseok gotta come to the studio, right now.]

"What?"

[Coolio's here.]

Namjoon takes the phone off his ear and stares. He puts it back to his ear and whispers, "What?"

[Coolio. You know. Gangsta's Paradise.]

"No, I know. But- what?"

[He's here. He's gathering a bunch of talented kids to go on his new show for Mnet or something - you and Hoseok gotta get your ass here, is all I'm saying. Listen, I gotta go.]

Seokjin overhears the entire thing, squeezes Hoseok's and Namjoon's hand, and smiles. "Well, what are you waiting for? Go."

The day passes by in a blur. Namjoon still can't quite catch up - it really had been Coolio, and he'd liked Namjoon and Hoseok's music. Namjoon had also put in some of Yoongi's stuff from before, and then the songs the three of them worked on together, and Coolio had seemed to like it. Looked impressed, even.

"Shit, we have like 20 missed calls from Taehyung." Hoseok says, after all of it's done and Coolio takes their numbers. "And like 20 more from Yoongi-hyung."

"Yoongi-hyung? Does he want us to buy something on the way home?"

Hoseok shrugs, already calling back. "Hyung? Namjoon and I-"

[Where the fuck are you two.] It's not a question, and Yoongi's tone makes Hoseok freeze. It's flat and cold, the type of voice Yoongi gets when he's angry beyond anything else. Yoongi doesn't give Hoseok time to answer. [Whatever the fuck you two went to do, I hope it was worth it, because Seokjin-hyung's in the emergency room getting surgery right now.]

Chapter 3 Chapter Text

Yoongi punches both of them in the face when they get to the hospital, pale lipped and shaking. Namjoon wishes he'd do it again so he can somehow ease the throb that’s in his chest, but Jimin stops Yoongi. "Hyung, stop." There are splotches of red on Jimin's sleeves and it makes Namjoon's stomach lurch.

"Is that- Is that Seokjin-hyung's-"

Jimin looks down at his sleeves and looks sick. "I came home early from school and he was on the kitchen floor. He wasn't bleeding - just - there was blood on his lips and he kept coughing up blood and I just kept wiping it away. He had the stove on and I guess he burned himself when he fell unconscious, because he had a burn on his arm. And I don't know - if I came just a little later the house might have - he might have-"

Namjoon doesn't want to think about it. Hoseok looks sick, and the exhilaration from earlier in the day is gone. "He apparently had pneumonia." Jimin explains. "Taehyung and Jungkook are still at school. They have independent studies, and Yoongi-hyung told me not to tell them yet. But.. Seokjin-hyung's had it for a while, and it got really bad. That's why his fever never went away and he started having side pains."

"But - but people don't die or anything from pneumonia, right?" Namjoon asks, his hands shaking by his side. "Is - is it really bad?"

Yoongi doesn't even look at him. "People don't die from pneumonia when it's caught early. He's had it for weeks, and all we gave him for it was Tylenol and antibiotics."

Namjoon thinks this is how it feels, to have your world come crashing down around you.

Seokjin looks so pale and small in a dull hospital gown. His eyes are sunken, lips blue and chapped, skin cold and clammy. There's a tube in his lungs to take out the fluid collecting there, an oxygen mask fitted over his mouth and nose, and an IV tube running into his arm. There are so many machines beeping next to him, but Namjoon's eyes fall on the bandages around his left arm.

A burn, from the stove. Seokjin was probably cooking for him and Hoseok, so they'd have something warm to eat when they came back. The thought makes Namjoon turn on his heels and run to the bathroom to heave into the toilet bowl. The fire had still been on when Jimin got home. A little later, just a little later, and the entire house could have gone up in flames. With Seokjin still inside, vulnerable and helpless and unconscious. The thought makes Namjoon heave the rest of the contents of his stomach.

Yoongi looks even paler than Seokjin, if that's possible. He has Seokjin's hand in his, rubbing circles into the back of his hand. Jimin has a book open on his lap that looks like homework, but he hasn't taken his eyes off Seokjin.

Hoseok looks sick. "This is our fault. If we - if we just stayed home-" he tells Namjoon, breaking off where he's unable to continue, and Namjoon chokes on how true that is.

They get a text from Taehyung at 10, asking where the hell everyone is. Yoongi tells Jimin to reply back and within 30 minutes Taehyung and Jungkook are at the hospital, bursting in to the six-person room and crashing through it to the corner where Seokjin is.

"Oh my god," Taehyung whispers, collapsing to his knees next to Seokjin's bed and fumbling for his hand. He stops when he sees the hand Yoongi isn't holding is bandaged and instead clutches at the sheet covering Seokjin.

Jungkook is frozen where he's standing next to Jimin, eyes wide and face so pale he's blue. "Is he going to die?" Jungkook whispers.

"No," Yoongi snaps, his eyebrow twitching. "He's not going to die. Jungkook, don't even say shit like that."

Yoongi makes Jimin and Jungkook and Taehyung go to school the next day. "I quit my job." Yoongi tells Hoseok and Namjoon. "I'll find another one when Seokjin's better, but taking care of him is priority right now. You two go to the studio."

Namjoon feels like shit. He sits at the stupid rathole of a studio and Hoseok stares at the music spread out before them. "Maybe we should stop," Hoseok says, voice soft. "And find jobs like Yoongi-hyung did."

"I was thinking about that, too." Namjoon says, ripping the blank paper in front of him into shreds for no reason. "There's no point doing this if - if Seokjin-hyung is.." He doesn't continue because he can't imagine a world without Seokjin. But Seokjin looks so fragile and weak, and he's still not awake. He wants to punch something.

It's another day before Seokjin wakes up. Yoongi texts all of them when he does, and tells Jungkook and Jimin and Taehyung not to even think about cutting class, or he'll cut their throats. But Hoseok and Namjoon slam the door to their studio shut and run to the hospital. "Hey," Seokjin says, smiling underneath the oxygen mask. His voice rasps, nothing like the sweet honey Namjoon is used to hearing, and it makes Namjoon tear up again. "Sorry for worrying you guys."

"Sorry," Hoseok cries, collapsing to his knees and clutching at Seokjin. "I'm so sorry, hyung. If we'd just been there - if we'd been there then -"

"Don't be stupid," Seokjin scolds, ruffling Hoseok's hair. "It's my fault. I should've gone to the hospital when Yoongi said."

But if they'd been there, they could have gotten Seokjin to the hospital earlier. Could have prevented, at least, the burn on his arm. Hoseok rubs Seokjin's blanket between his thumbs. "Hyung, Namjoon and I, we're thinking of quitting music. We'll go look for jobs, then you don't have to work so hard."

Yoongi smacks both of them over the head. "Don't be fuckers." He snaps. "I only yelled at you that day because I was pissed at Seokjin getting sick. I wasn't mad at you. Don't give up music. I didn't give it up just so you can do the same. Seokjin didn't get this sick for you guys to just quit. You guys keep at it. And produce something no one can say fucking no to."

All the same, Hoseok and Namjoon hang around the hospital, scowling at the shitty hospital food. But Yoongi forbids them from bringing anything in to give Seokjin, since Seokjin has to be incredibly careful about what he's eating.

Seokjin's weak and pumped full of painkillers, so he spends most of the time sleeping, and to be honest, it's kind of nice to see him sleeping. Seokjin usually sleeps during the day when Hoseok and Namjoon are out making music, so it's kind of a first for Namjoon to see Seokjin sleeping, even if it's with an oxygen mask fitted over his lips and a tube inserted into his lungs. He looks peaceful, like he doesn't feel any pain, and Namjoon guesses that he kind of doesn't, not with all the painkillers.

And Namjoon's kind of forgotten about the entire Coolio thing until his phone rings shrilly one day. "Hello?"

[Hey, is this Rap Monster?]

Namjoon blinks. "Uh, yeah. Who's this?"

[This is Coolio's agent. I'd like to talk to you, J-Hope, and Suga about coming over to Los Angeles to work with him.]

Holy shit.

"No, you should go." Seokjin insists, squeezing Yoongi's hands. Yoongi'd said no from the beginning, voice stern, telling Namjoon and Hoseok to go by themselves. "Yoongi, you've always wanted to do this. Plus, the TV station is going to pay you to go, right? You'll get paid to do what you love to do, and that's - I never wanted you to give up music."

“You’re more important than music,” Yoongi says, squeezing Seokjin’s hands.

Hoseok makes a noise in his throat. “That’s – hey, he’s more important to us than music, too.”

Yoongi makes an exasperated sound. “That’s not what I meant. I just – Not like this. I can’t leave Seokjin like this.”

Seokjin squeezes Yoongi’s hand again. “Don’t be stupid. This is a good time to go. You won’t have to worry about looking after me after I come back home early in the morning. I’m going to be in the hospital, so it’s not like I can get in any danger.”

“You get lonely.” Yoongi points out, frowning. “I’m not leaving, hyung.”

“Taehyung and Jimin and Jungkook will be here every night.” Seokjin smiles at Yoongi, and Yoongi sighs. Namjoon rolls his eyes. The battle’s done. “Come on. Go be Suga again. I know you miss it. Just promise to email every single day.”

It’s only for two weeks anyway, so there’s not much fuss over what they have to pack. Seokjin’s made Jimin a list of things to help the trio pack, but Namjoon kind of wishes Seokjin could actually help them, because the four of them are just shoving stuff into their bags without folding anything. “This is a mess,” Yoongi sighs, stepping on the contents of his bag anyway and zipping it shut. “How are we going to bring all this back?”

“Are you guys excited?” Jimin asks, grinning and hyper like he’s the one going to Los Angeles. “Man, Los Angeles. We’ve never even been on a trip.”

Yoongi smiles a little sadly and ruffles Jimin's hair. "When we come back and Seokjin gets better, we'll go somewhere close. Stay the night."

Jimin grins at that and helps Hoseok step on his mess of clothes so they can zip that bag shut, too.

They have to make passports, and Namjoon's suddenly very glad Seokjin always filed official papers because their passport-making goes by without a hitch. Seokjin's pneumonia is getting better, and he goes through another surgery to take the tube out. He still needs the oxygen mask to breathe well, but he looks less pale, less fragile, and there are less machines beeping in the room. So Namjoon hangs around and talks loudly, annoying the other patients in the shared room. But Seokjin's smiling, Seokjin's laughing, and who the fuck cares about everyone else?

"I can't believe we got so lucky." Namjoon says, shaking his head and tracing patterns on Seokjin's arm. "Getting paid to learn under Coolio, getting our plane and food and hotel paid for - I mean. So lucky, you know?"

Seokjin chuckles. "You didn't get lucky. All of your hard work paid off, that's all." He pats Namjoon's hand. "I'm so happy for all of you. I'm glad Yoongi's getting to work on what he loves again, instead of working at that stupid store."

And if everything works out, if people start hearing their music and like it, maybe Seokjin can stop going out every night to whore himself out. Namjoon squeezes Seokjin's wrist tight and rest his head on Seokjin's head. "We'll succeed," he tells Seokjin, and Seokjin’s other hand comes up to rest on top of his head, stroking his hair. "And then we'll protect you."

Seokjin's hand is warm on his head, and Namjoon thinks he can kind of understand why Jungkook calls Seokjin his mother. "You don't need to protect me, Namjoon. I'm bulletproof."

The airport is a little crazier than Namjoon had thought it would be, but Yoongi takes them through like he's done it a billion times. The meet the other boys on the show and the PD explains they're going to start filming as soon as they board.

From now on, they're Suga and Rap Monster and J-hope, not Yoongi and Namjoon and Hoseok. Namjoon tests the names out, and it feels weird but not unpleasant on his tongue.

Yoongi collects everything he can from the flight. Ticket stubs, little packages of peanuts, and even the blankets that have squares that read 'don't take out of the plane' stitched onto them. Namjoon points out he doesn't really have any more room in his bag, and Yoongi scoffs. "I'm smarter than you, Namjoon."

By the time they get off the plane, Yoongi is holding a second bag. "How much did you even shove in there?" Hoseok rolls his eyes at the new rucksack thrown over Yoongi's shoulders. "Well, Jimin'll be happy. He likes free things."

"That's why I brought a second bag."

Namjoon had been kind of worried about filming, but it turns out it was for nothing. He learns to ignore it, and Hoseok kind of is born to fool around on camera. Yoongi stays quiet for the most part, but sometimes he does something idiotic and the camera loves him.

Most of all, Coolio loves them. He tells them off camera, "The three of you gonna go far. You three and Kidoh. I see real talent in the four of you."

Namjoon's chest swells with pride - he's happy they're doing so well and he's happy Hyosang's getting recognized, too. The PD always tells them they're doing well. "The three of you are gonna be stars of this show, I just know it." He says, treating them to expensive dinner one night. "You've got the back story, you've got the looks, you've got the talent - man, you're gonna go big, trust me."

The three of them gather around the public computers in the hotel every single night without fail, typing a lengthy email to Taehyung every day. The camera catches that, too, and Namjoon's pretty certain that's going to go out as some sob story, and he can't care. Especially when they all crowd around and read Taehyung's reply, about how Jungkook's doing in school, how Jimin's formed a dance club, and how Seokjin's latest checkup showed he was healing well.

"He's doing fine," Namjoon tells Yoongi, noticing Yoongi's gaze lingers for a while on the picture Taehyung sent of the three of them gathered around Seokjin's hospital bed. Seokjin looks a lot better and some of the life is back in his face. He even has the oxygen mask off in the picture, even if it hangs around his neck. Taehyung's email explains he can breathe a lot better now, and his chest pains have more or less gone.

Yoongi smiles. "I know." He prints the picture and pays 10 cents for the color printing.

On their second to last day, they're free to do what they want and Hoseok wants to go look around downtown LA. It's kind of cool, but flatter than Namjoon's used to in Korea. He looks around at the stores. "We should get something for Seokjin-hyung and Taehyung and Jimin and Jungkook. It doesn't have to be anything big or anything."

They decide on an LA Dodgers snapback for Jimin, spiky studs for Jungkook, and an LA Lakers jersey for Taehyung. They're looking around for what to get Seokjin, and Namjoon spots Yoongi holding a pink teddy bear. When Namjoon comes over, Yoongi looks up and smiles. "What do you think?"

Namjoon can’t think of anything else more perfect.

The presents are tucked away safely in Yoongi’s second bag. The plane ride is way too long and way too short. Too short to be saying all their good-byes to all the friends they’ve made, and too long until they can see Seokjin and Taehyung and Jimin and Jungkook again.

Yoongi’s got Seokjin’s pink teddy bear in his hands, a smile playing at the corner of his lips as he rubs at its head. They go through customs and they don’t have to deal with baggage claim. “Wait, guys.” The PD calls after them. “Give me your phone numbers. I’d like to contact you again about your music. You know Mnet’s under CJ E&M, right? I think you guys will go far. I haven’t been wrong yet.”

Yoongi gives him their numbers, and on the way out, he turns the phone on. It vibrates almost immediately, and while Hoseok or Namjoon might have dropped it out of shock, Yoongi just picks up. “Tae-“

[Hyung!] Taehyung’s voice is loud and sobbing, and they all freeze. [Why didn’t you pick up? It said your plane landed ages ago-]

“We had to go through customs. What’s wrong?” Yoongi’s hand is white around his phone. “Is it – Is it Seokjin-“

There’s a loud sob at the Taehyung’s end. [Seokjin-hyung went into surgery last night. Something’s wrong with his lungs again – I don’t know – Jimin’s passed out from crying so much – can you – Hyung, please, we need you.]

The pink teddy bear sits in Jimin’s lap as Jimin grabs it and sobs. He’s getting an IV for all the fluid he lost crying, and Hoseok’s trying to calm him down. Yoongi’s not with them. There’s only a few of them allowed in the IC unit at once, and Yoongi’s past the glass, looking down at Seokjin, who looks so pale and small again.

“What happened?” Namjoon whispers.

“His lungs got infected again.” Taehyung answers, his voice trembling. “I don’t know what happened. He got a fever again, and the doctors got all frowny and they were talking about taking a chest x-ray again and then he started coughing up blood.” Taehyung shudders, rubbing his elbows. “A lot of it. It was all over the place. They said it’s because he was so weak to begin with. His immune system is so low, so it wasn’t a good idea to place him in the six-person room because he’s so much more prone to catching something. They told me that we should consider putting him in a single room next time, but can… can we afford that?”

Namjoon clenches his eyes shut, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes. He looks up again at Seokjin, who looks so weak and fragile. There are so many more machines than before, when Seokjin was first hospitalized. “We’ll make do. Anything – anything to get Seokjin to heal up.”

Each night in ICU costs an arm and a leg. “We’ll save up for your colleges again,” Yoongi says, pulling out their bankbook and staring at the amount inside. “We’ll put out the more urgent fire first.”

“You were saving for our college?” Jimin repeats, snatching the bankbook from Yoongi’s hand. Namjoon peeks over. There’s a pretty impressive amount in there, and Yoongi rubs his face. “I don’t – I don’t need to go to college.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Yoongi hisses. “Of course you’re going to college. All three of you. It was Seokjin’s biggest stress that he couldn’t send Namjoon and Hoseok to college.”

“We dropped out of school,” Hoseok protests.

Yoongi glares at them. “Yeah, well, Seokjin didn’t see it that way, and you three are not going to argue that point with either him or me right now. Once the rest of the money from the broadcast station comes in, we should be able to scrape by even with him in a single room.” He sighs, squeezes his eyes shut and pinches the bridge of his nose. The room is silent before Yoongi speaks up again. “Taehyung’s on his way to a scholarship. Jimin, Jungkook, I know it’s not fair, but… I need you two to work harder. Try to aim for even a little aid when you get into college.”

Jungkook rubs his face. “That’s perfectly fair. Taehyung-hyung shouldn’t be the only one working his ass off. I was thinking of just looking for work after school.”

“Me too.” Jimin confesses. “I thought Taehyung would be the only one going to college.”

Yoongi gives them a long look. “Let’s never mention that to Seokjin, or he’ll have an aneurysm.”

The first thing Seokjin does when he wakes up is apologize. Namjoon just pats his wrist, even thinner than before, and fights the urge to hit something. Seokjin's no longer in ICU, and the single-person room is nice, Namjoon thinks, but it makes Seokjin look sicker and smaller. Or maybe he is sicker and smaller. Namjoon can’t really tell.

Yoongi sits by Seokjin’s side, rubbing soft circles into Seokjin’s pale hand. Yoongi was always the palest out of all of them, but now Seokjin’s paler than he is.

Not pale, Namjoon thinks. Green. Or blue. There’s an unhealthy, sick color to Seokjin’s usually perfect, glowing skin. He looks like each breath is costing him too much to take, and Namjoon feels like he’s breathing a little less each time.

“I used up the kids’ college fund.” Yoongi tells Seokjin.

Seokjin frowns and shakes his head minutely. “Shouldn’t have.”

“I think keeping you alive is a little more important.” Yoongi snorts, thumb still rubbing circles into the skin between Seokjin’s thumb and index finger. “It’s okay, we’ll build it up again.” Seokjin nods and his eyes slide shut again.

The tube is back in his chest, and the rasp is back in Seokjin’s voice. Namjoon suddenly feels like Seokjin isn’t going to wake up again so he jumps, lunging to grab Seokjin’s hand. “You’ll wake up again, right, hyung?”

Seokjin smiles, opens his eyes a little,t and lifts a hand to pat his head. It’s attached to a lot of tubes and wires. “Of course. Don’t be silly.”

To Namjoon’s infinite relief, Seokjin does wake up, and he looks a little more alive. “See?” He tells Namjoon, who’s hovering behind Yoongi.

Namjoon and Hoseok can’t really leave the hospital room because they’re scared they’ll lose Seokjin while they’re gone. Hyosang comes around once to pick up their key because the person who’d rented the space before wants to use it again. “Hi, Hyosang,” Seokjin smiles, when Hyosang knocks.

Yoongi’s brow creases. “You’ve met Kidoh?”

“He came over.” Hoseok says quickly. “Once. While you were working. We went out to get spicy tuna rice balls and ran into him.”

Hyosang raises an eyebrow at Yoongi, like he wants to say something. But he seems to decide against it. “You guys know the show’s airing today, right?”

“Oh!” Seokjin says, and then winces as his chest is jostled. Hoseok and Namjoon and Yoongi all sit up a little straighter. “I’m okay,” Seokjin says quickly. “Sat up a little faster than I should have. I want to watch.”

Hyosang sits by Yoongi, and Yoongi glares. Hyosang ignores it and grins at Seokjin. “Hey, you’re still really pretty even on your sickbed.”

“Oh,” Yoongi says, glaring death. “Oh, you are not. Don’t even dare. I will end you.”

Chapter 4 Chapter Text

It’s really, really weird to see themselves on TV. Seokjin is entranced, and Namjoon keeps checking his reaction to all they’re saying. Their back story is kind of bared to the world now: the way they were orphans and how the oldest brother worked his ass off to keep all of them together. Seokjin sniffles a little but doesn’t look offended that their story’s out there, so Namjoon relaxes a little. Seokjin giggles at everything Yoongi and Namjoon and Hoseok do, and he calls Hoseok over so Hoseok can explain the little inside jokes that makes him laugh a little more.

When the hour is over, Seokjin’s asleep on Hoseok’s shoulder, a smile lingering on his lips. Hyosang catches the smile on Yoongi’s face as Yoongi tucks stray strands of Seokjin’s hair away from his face. “I didn’t even know that story. So you aren’t actual brothers, huh?”

“We’re actual brothers,” Yoongi says, and Namjoon feels his chest fill with pride. “No one else is going to tell us otherwise.”

Jimin and Jungkook and Taehyung have already watched on their phones, which gets them a scolding from Yoongi. “You’re supposed to be studying during independent study, not watching variety shows.”

“But it’s your variety show.” Taehyung points out. “There are a bunch of articles about you guys! You guys have fans already.” He shows them screenshots of articles he found, including the ones that have topped portal sites. Namjoon kind of can’t believe it – the comments are good. There are some who don’t believe their story, but a lot of them are supportive.

Hoseok’s bright personality has already gathered a lot of adoring fans, and Yoongi’s cool-but-sometimes-idiotic twist has caught a lot of interest. Namjoon himself has quite a number of supporters and he just can’t quite believe it.

The next morning, Namjoon gets a call from their PD. [Hey, Rapmon!] The PD gushes. [I knew you guys would be a huge hit. We’re already getting calls asking about some of the boys, and the three of you are getting the most requests. Once the song making hits air, you’ll get even more interest, I swear. We’ve already got requests for the three of you to appear on stuff like Mnet Wide. I think Beatles Code and Weekly Idol are interested, too, except they’re trying to figure out how to make that work.]

“Uh. Wow,” Namjoon replied, wishing he was more articulate for times like this. “What should we do?”

[Pick up your phones when I call.] The PD laughs. [And have a lot more stories about your lives on hand! Although I’m sure you guys do. Tell Suga and J-hope I said hi. I’ll be back in touch!]

They get called on Mnet Wide Entertainment News, and Hoseok's wide eyed and jumpy. Yoongi looks calm but Namjoon can tell he's nervous from the way his finger keeps tapping on his elbow. Seokjin had told Taehyung and Jimin exactly what to dress them in. Namjoon's never seen some of these clothes before, and Yoongi says they're gifts Seokjin got from his patrons that he never wore. They're a little big on Hoseok and Yoongi, but Seokjin smooths out lines and angles with agile fingers when they all come to get their outfits approved.

"Whoa," Hyosang had said, when they walked in. "I've never seen the three of you look so fly."

The makeup artists gush about Yoongi's baby skin, ask if Namjoon's skin is naturally dark, and laugh at all of Hoseok's jokes. Yoongi's studying the script like it's the most interesting thing on earth, Hoseok's looked over it once and told Namjoon he'd just wing it.

He feels a little shitty Seokjin's at the hospital by himself while Taehyung and Jimin and Jungkook are at school and they're here doing this. But Seokjin had been so excited about them being called to appear on other things and had asked for the hospital staff to put on Mnet so he could see his brothers. (The hospital staff, of course, had put it on just for Seokjin, because no one is not charmed by Seokjin.)

The interview goes pretty well. Hoseok carries most of it at the beginning, but when Namjoon gets comfortable he starts talking better, easier, and he's less hyper, so he gets more said. Yoongi mostly nods and has one-word answers, but he glances at the camera and smirks and a female writer lets out an involuntary squeal that gets everyone laughing.

Three days after Mnet Wide is aired, Hoseok gets their first fan gift. It's nothing big, just a bunch of candies and chips, but Hoseok's jaw hits the floor when a pretty girl comes up to him at the convenience store, blushing, and hands him a bag full of things that looks like she just bought from the store. "If I knew I was going to run into you here, I would have brought the gifts I bought you," she says, fanning her face. "Hoseok-oppa, hwaiting! I really like your music! Namjoon-oppa, you too!" She then runs off, giggling and waving.

"Hoseok-oppa," Namjoon teases, pitching his voice into a squeal.

"You're just jealous you don’t have a fangirl." Hoseok shoots back, grinning. "Wow, look! She bought all the things Taehyung likes."

Namjoon raises an eyebrow. "Is there junk food Taehyung doesn't like?"

When they get back to the hospital, rice balls in one hand and the bag of junk food in the other, Hoseok starts gushing to Seokjin about the girl as Taehyung snatches the bag and starts going through it. Yoongi's nowhere to be seen - a little weird, Namjoon thinks, seeing as Yoongi never leaves Seokjin's side at the hospital.

"He got a phone call." Seokjin tells Namjoon, noticing his search. Hoseok's still talking about the girl, patting Seokjin's hand and making big gestures. Seokjin looks sincerely intrigued, and Namjoon gets up to find Yoongi. He doesn't need to bother - Yoongi walks in, almost crashing into Namjoon in the process. He doesn't look happy. Hoseok's hyper rant dies at Yoongi's face, and Seokjin frowns, looking concerned. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Yoongi says, although they realize it means I don't want to talk about it. Seokjin lifts the arm Hoseok isn't holding to pat Yoongi on the head, and Yoongi closes his eyes and sits on Seokjin's other side, fingers as light as a feather across the wires and tubes in Seokjin's arm. "Hyung, I love you a lot. You know that, right?"

It's a whisper, a confession, and something in Namjoon's gut twists. He glances at Hoseok, who's looking at his hands, Taehyung, who's determinedly glancing down at his book, Jimin, who's got his eyes focused on the bag of junk food, and Jungkook, who's staring out the window. He doesn't hear Seokjin's reply - he doesn't think Seokjin has one, but when he looks back, Yoongi and Seokjin are smiling at each other, Seokjin's hand back on Yoongi's head.

By the next day, Namjoon gets why Yoongi was pissed. He gets a call from the Mnet Wide PD, asking if they could come to the hospital and film Seokjin and the rest of their brothers. [You guys could go really big with this!] She tells them. [Viewers love a sob story. You just gotta show them it's real. I tried to convince Suga yesterday, but he got really mad at me. Can't you convince him somehow, Rapmon?]

Namjoon fights from growling out loud. "No. People don't have to believe our story. I'm not putting Seokjin-hyung or Taehyung or Jimin or Jungkook in front of the camera. Seokjin-hyung's supposed to be resting. I don't think coming in front of a camera will do that."

[He doesn’t have to do anything, Rapmon. He can be asleep. In fact, that's even better, since he'll look sicker.]

"Sorry, PD-nim."

[Rapmon. Don't you get it? This could be your step into fame.]

"PD-nim, the reason why Suga-hyung and J-hope and I make music is... It's true that we love doing it. But a big reason is so we can protect Seokjin-hyung and our little brothers. Bringing them into harm's way - any kind of harm's way - isn't part of that plan." He hopes he's as polite as he wants to be.

Silence greets him, but when the PD speaks up again, her voice is softer. [Fine, all right.] She's trying to sound exasperated or angry, but her voice is gentle, and Namjoon smiles despite himself. [Tell Suga I said I'm sorry. And if any of your brothers ever change their mind - it doesn't have to be Seokjin! Just any one, let me know first, all right?]

"Okay, PD-nim. Thanks for understanding."

[You and Suga and J-hope owe me another showing on Mnet Wide, got that!]

"We'd be honored." As soon as Namjoon comes back into the room, Yoongi rounds on him. "I said no. And I think she got the point. I don't think she's going to bother us anymore." Yoongi snorts, like he won't believe it, but he beelines back to Seokjin. Seokjin's asleep, and it still scares Namjoon a little, like Seokjin won't wake up. He looks like death, sometimes, his skin so pale it's blue, veins visible underneath his skin. He eats, but very little and only fluids, and his fever isn't getting any better. The wires wind around his arm like spiderwebs, keeping all sorts of numbers on the machines that tell doctors something but don't tell Namjoon anything except for the fact that Seokjin's still alive.

They get called out for all sorts of shows. Namjoon can see it's stressing Yoongi out because he spends less and less time with Seokjin and Seokjin's spending more and more time alone, especially with the three kids' final exams coming up. But Yoongi bares with it because even though Yoongi tries not to show it, Namjoon sees him check their bankbook more and more lately, always sighing and folding it carefully before sliding it back into his bag.

Sometimes, when Seokjin and Yoongi think Namjoon is asleep, head in his arms resting in Seokjin's lap, he hears Seokjin and Yoongi talk about money. Yoongi sighs heavily and Seokjin sounds worried.

Today is one of those days, when Namjoon's mastered the art of breathing evenly so he can overhear conversations like this. Seokjin's hand is on his head, stroking the back of his head and Namjoon fights not to actually fall asleep under the gentle hand. "I could leave." Seokjin says. "This hospital is costing us a lot, isn’t it?”

“You’ve got a tube stuck in your chest and you’re pumped full of painkillers.” Yoongi snaps, and Namjoon thinks he knows what Yoongi looks like even though he can’t see his face. “Just heal up.” Yoongi’s voice is quieter. “That’s the most important thing right now. Everything else can come after that. Money from the broadcast stations are enough to hold us over. I think I might start looking for another job again.”

Seokjin’s hand is warm on Namjoon’s head and even in the hospital, Seokjin smells good. Comforting. Nothing artificial, just – Seokjin. He doesn’t like chemicals or medicine. He just smells like home, and Namjoon sighs slightly, snuggling into Seokjin’s hand. Seokjin chuckles lightly, patting his head. “He and Hoseok are working hard lately, huh.”

“He’s a big baby,” Yoongi says, and Namjoon can hear the eye roll in his voice. “He depends on you a lot. We all do, I guess. But Namjoon especially.”

“I know.” Seokjin answers, simply, brushing his hand on Namjoon’s forehead. “Remember that time he got caught feeding that stray cat behind the orphanage?”

Yoongi snorts in response. “Yeah, and you just took the blame for it. I remember. There are a plenty of things we did wrong that you just took responsibility for.”

Seokjin’s voice is gentle. “It’s because you guys are my little brothers. I protect you guys.”

Namjoon feels his chest tighten at that, and Yoongi says what Namjoon wants to say most of all. “No,” Yoongi whispers. “We’ll protect you, now .”

As more episodes air, they get more requests to show up on other variety shows, even mainstream ones. They get a couple of calls from entertainment companies looking to sign them that Yoongi refuses right off at the bat. They’re not looking to be celebrities, after all. They do get a few offers to come show their songs from companies, and Namjoon is surprised because they may not be the top entertainment companies, sure, but they’re still companies everyone’s heard of. One meeting in particular goes pretty well and Hoseok tells Seokjin all about it when they get back, with exaggerated hand motions that makes Seokjin smile.

Yoongi’s smiling, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He looks worried, and Namjoon knows why. Seokjin went through another surgery to remove the tube again, and he hasn’t looked too good since then. The doctors blame surgery being stressful on someone as weak as Seokjin, and that examinations show there’s nothing particularly wrong with him. He’ll get better with rest, is all they’re told.

But Seokjin doesn’t look like he’s getting better. He looks weaker every day, looks like he’s about to shatter into pieces with a single touch.

One day, Yoongi tells them he’s going to take Seokjin out of the hospital tomorrow. “We’ll go on a trip,” Yoongi says, patting the top of Jimin’s head. “We’ll go to the beach. You wanted to go on a trip, right?”

Jimin doesn’t look happy. He looks like he’s going to cry.

None of them can actually drive, so they take the train. Seokjin sleeps most of the way with his head resting on Yoongi’s shoulder. They talk like nothing’s wrong, peeling eggs that Seokjin boiled in the morning and eating junk food Yoongi surprisingly buys for them.

The vacation house Yoongi’s rented out for the day is nicer than Namjoon's expected, and they unpack with Seokjin dozing off on the blanket Yoongi’s spread out for him in the corner. Yoongi coaxes him awake for lunch that he doesn’t eat.

It’s still early spring, so there aren’t that many people at the beach. Taehyung and Jimin and Hoseok go into the water anyway, soaking the bottoms of their shorts and kicking cool water at each other. Namjoon has Seokjin on his back, his arms tucked securely around his legs and under his hips to steady him. “Namjoon, I want to go into the water, too,” Seokjin says, and Namjoon hesitates.

“The water’s still cold, hyung,” Jungkook says. “I thought I was going to freeze my ass off.”

Yoongi’s expression is unreadable. He then smiles sadly, pats Namjoon’s shoulder and says, “You think you can brave a bit of cold for Seokjin?”

So Namjoon kicks his sneakers and socks off and Yoongi helps him roll his jeans up. The waves lap at his knees anyway and Seokjin laughs when Taehyung kicks water in their direction. Seokjin’s bare toes kick at the water, sending little droplets into the air. “Can you let me down?” Seokjin asks, squirming a little.

“Hyung, you can barely stand on dry land. The waves are kind of strong here. And the water’s cold.” Namjoon protests, gripping harder. Seokjin sighs but doesn’t say anything, and instead kicks at the water.

Yoongi comes up beside him, jeans soaked to the knees where he hadn’t bothered to fold it up. He carefully pushes up Seokjin’s sweatpants up to mid-thigh, folding it over and over again. “Let him down, Namjoon. We’ll hold him up. Let him down.”

Namjoon looks up, eyes shaking, but Yoongi nods. Namjoon bites the inside of his cheeks but carefully slides Seokjin down, grabbing his arms tightly to keep him from swaying in the ocean. Jimin comes over, shorts thoroughly soaked, and frowns. “Hyung, is this really okay?” He reaches out to grab Seokjin’s hands. “The water’s cold.”

“It’s okay.” Yoongi says, and none of them comment about the tremor in his voice.

They get pissed drunk, except Yoongi and Seokjin, and Namjoon sits in front of the door. When Jungkook tries to grab the door handle, Namjoon stops him. “Stop. Yoongi-hyung and Seokjin-hyung are in there.”

“I want to see him.”

“Don’t.” Namjoon says, burying his face in his knees. “He doesn’t want to show us. Sit.”

Jungkook looks like he wants to fight him, but he collapses between Jimin and Namjoon. Jimin’s staring dully into space, Taehyung on his other side. Hoseok is already crying and Namjoon wants to tell him to stop. No one’s dead.

Not yet.

Namjoon stares up at the sky. They’re all silently listening to the conversation inside.

Yoongi’s voice is calm and gentle. He was always gentle to Seokjin, Namjoon remembers. He’d always yell at the rest of them to stop being so rowdy in the house, to do their homework, to do laundry, to clean up, but never at Seokjin.

“Sorry,” Seokjin says, voice almost inaudible through the door. “Take care of them, okay?”

“Yeah, I know.”

"Thank you for bringing me here."

"You've never seen the ocean before. Jimin and Taehyung and Jungkook, too. I wanted to - I wanted to show you. Before it was too late." Yoongi's voice chokes on the last sentence, but he clears his throat. "I wish it was warmer."

"I like it, like this. It's warm enough. The water was kind of cold, though. I hope the kids don't catch a cold."

Yoongi snorts at that. It's a laugh failed and faded into something sadder. "They'll be fine. They-" He pauses. "I don't know if they'll be fine. But they won't get sick."

Namjoon wants to laugh and cry and scream at that. There's silence for a while and Namjoon fears the worst, but then Seokjin speaks up again. "I'm sorry. The kids' college tuition..."

"Don't worry about that. I'll take care of it. You've done enough for all of us. Don’t worry about that. You trust me, right? I'll take care of it."

"I do trust you." Seokjin agrees, and then says, "You'll take good care of them. And take good care of yourself. That's important."

There's silence past the door again and Hoseok is bawling now, hands shoved to his mouth to keep himself from making too much noise. He doesn't bother wiping his tears away and just lets them drench his hands. Jimin's crying, too, face buried in his hands and shoulders shaking. "I'm sleepy," Seokjin's voice says, barely audible.

"Don't- Not yet. Stay awake for just a bit longer." Yoongi's voice is desperate, now. There's none of the calm it usually has. "Just a bit longer. Should I call the kids in? They're all listening outside, anyway."

"No. I don't want them to see me like this." Seokjin answers. "Jungkook - he's probably going to go a little haywire. Let him be for a bit, Yoongi. It's not good to keep it all in. But don't let him stray for too long. He needs to... keep up in school. I promised Jimin that I'd let him dance, you know? I told him if he got good grades.. I'd go look for a dance studio so he could learn."

"I'll do that." Yoongi says.

"Don't cry."

"You expect me not to cry?"

"I guess not." Seokjin laughs, and he doesn't sound like he's in any kind of pain. "Taehyung - Taehyung's going to go so far. Let him do whatever he wants, okay? Whatever studies he wants to do, support him for me. And Hoseok and Namjoon - they're doing so well on their own. Tell Hoseok never to stop smiling. Tell him he always gave me hope."

Hoseok reaches for the doorknob, face blotched because he's cried so hard, and Namjoon swats his hand away, rubbing angrily at his cheeks. The tears won't stop, and now Jungkook and Taehyung are crying, too, trying to stifle their tears with their hands. "Namjoon is going to do well, even without me. He was always going to succeed. I was always scared, you know, that he'd realize how well he could do and just... leave us.. But Namjoon wouldn't do that."

"He's going to be fine."

"Yeah." Seokjin sighs. "Yeah, all of you will be fine. And Yoongi.." There's a pause. "I always loved you, you know that, right? I mean, I loved - all of you - but I-"

"I know." Yoongi says, and his voice is shaking. He sounds like he's in so much pain. "I know; I know. I loved you, too. More than anything."

"I'm sorry. For everything."

"You've nothing to be sorry for. If anything, I'm sorry. I should have - if only I wasn't so selfish at the beginning.."

"You were never selfish. I never wanted you to give up music."

"I never wanted you to die." Yoongi says, and that's the breaking point because Jungkook rises and shoves the door open. Seokjin doesn't look surprised. He just beckons them over. Yoongi rubs at his face, a failed attempt to hide his tears from the rest of them, and Jungkook throws himself by Seokjin's side to grab at his hands.

"Don't go. Don't go, please, please, please." Jungkook whispers, bringing Seokjin's hand to his cheek. "Don't go, don't go. Mom, mom, don't go." He starts bawling and Seokjin just pats his face.

I'll go to church, Namjoon thinks, all of a sudden. I'll go to church every Sunday. I'll stop cursing, I'll never drink, and I'll never even think about smoking. I'll be a good Christian. If there really is a God up there, you can't take him from us. He squeezes his eyes shut and clasps his hands in prayer to a God he’s never believed in before, and desperately pleads over and over again.

Hoseok's crying the loudest, begging Seokjin to stay with them, and Taehyung's bawling hard for the first time Namjoon's seen. "Don't cry, guys. I'll be okay." Seokjin says, reaching to pat all of them at least once. "I'm just going to sleep."

"No, no, hang on," Jimin begs, clutching at Seokjin's hand, but Seokjin only smiles at him. "Hyung, please."

"You'll all be okay."

Namjoon doesn't ask, later, how Yoongi knew Seokjin would die that day. They have a quiet wake where the only noise is Hoseok’s crying. No one really comes to visit at the wake, except Hyosang, dressed in black jeans and a hoodie. “Sorry,” He says, looking ashamed. “I don’t have a suit.”

“We don’t, either.” Namjoon says, quietly, pointing to their own outfits. “I don’t think Seokjin-hyung would care. Thanks for… coming.” He’s suddenly glad he introduced Hyosang to Seokjin. That someone else outside of their family is here to recognize everything Seokjin did. Yoongi stands quietly, nodding to Hyosang and moving to make space.

Hyosang fidgets in front of the wake, glances at Yoongi, back at the photo, and says, “Hey, I didn’t know you too well, but still. I know you weren’t pretty just on the outside.” Yoongi laughs quietly. “Yoongi’ll do a good job taking care of – you know. Your family. I wish I could have gotten to know you better.”

He shuffles out and they sit in the front. Hyosang pours a shot of soju for them. “You guys are underage, aren’t you,” Hyosang notes, but that’s the end of that. “He didn’t look like he was on his deathbed.”

Namjoon takes the shot and Hyosang pours him another one. “The repeated surgery was too much for him. He wasn’t that healthy to begin with. I think his body gave up.” He finishes the second shot and rolls the empty shot glass between his fingers. Hyosang takes the glass and pours him another one. “He’s in a better place. This world wasn’t good to him.”

“It had you guys, though.”

Namjoon doesn’t have an answer to that. He empties the shot and just snatches the soju bottle from Hyosang’s hands, gulping down the bottle. Hyosang doesn’t stop him, but Hoseok does, slapping him on the back of the head to get him to stop. His face is dirty with tear tracks, and his cheeks are blotched red. He hasn’t stopped crying since Seokjin passed. “Don’t be a fucker,” Hoseok says. Hyosang takes the bottle back, orders another one, and pours both of them a shot. “Seokjin-hyung didn’t like us drinking.” Hoseok says, and Namjoon wants to smack him. He just takes his and Hoseok does, too.

Hyosang pours them another. “I think he’ll understand today.”

It’s not long before Hoseok’s got his head on the table mumbling incoherently. Namjoon’s on the verge of passing out himself, but he’s aware Yoongi comes to sit by them. Hyosang says, “Here. You look like you need a drink.”

“I need to get the kids home.”

“I’ll get you three home. Take it.” Namjoon turns his head to catch Yoongi taking a shot. Yoongi pats Namjoon’s cheek. Yoongi hasn’t said much during the entire day. He had just stood in front of the wake, eyes staring forward. Hyosang pours him another shot. “What are you going to do, now?”

Yoongi swirls his glass, downs the shot and slams the glass back down onto the table. “Work my ass off.”

The crematorium is a little too quiet for Namjoon’s tastes, but he guesses it can’t be anything else. It’s early in the morning as they set up the little glass cabinet Seokjin’s ashes will go into. Jimin sniffles as he shoves the pink teddy bear into a corner, sniffling. The picture Yoongi printed out in the hotel is framed neatly and put in front of the bear, along with an old picture of all 7 of them. Namjoon feels his chest tighten again at the sight. Seokjin’s laughing, holding Jungkook on his lap and trying to keep him still as they all pose. It hurts thinking he’s never going to see that laugh again.

“Wait – wait, I have one more.” Namjoon pulls out a piece of folded paper from his pockets. It’s a little crumbled on the edges and he slides it under the teddy bear’s foot. No one asks what it is, and Namjoon watches Yoongi pull the glass window shut.

Seokjin’s smiling at them, but Namjoon will never be able to see it again.

Chapter 5: Epilogue

Summary:

A letter from Yoongi to Seokjin, 1000 days later. To tie up loose ends.

Chapter Text

Hey, hyung.

It’s me, Yoongi. Or Suga, I guess. That’s what people know me as now. But you’ll always know me as Yoongi, right?

It’s been exactly 1000 days since you passed away. I’ve been counting. A lot’s happened in the past three years. Taehyung’s studying pre-med, and he’s really good at it. He says he’ll become a doctor so there won’t be any more people like you. I think he’ll do good in the world. Jimin’s majoring in political science. He didn’t know what he wanted to in the end, but all he knew was that he wanted to help people, and apparently once you told him that good people should be politicians. So he’s trying to become that. A good politician. I never associated Jimin with politics, but hey, he’s kind of good at it. And guess what Jungkook’s planning on doing?

He’s planning on studying law. Like you did. I'm pretty sure you're his reason why, although he says he’s wanted to do it since he was little.

The little fucker took up smoking, though. Namjoon started again when you.. when you were taken from us, and Jungkook picked it up from him. You’d probably kill both of them if you were still here.

I’m doing okay. Namjoon, Hoseok, and I threw ourselves into music. We’re hitmakers, now. How weird is that? We’re actually in pretty hot demand. I can’t believe it. If only… if only you were here to see all this. You’d be proud of us. And you’d actually be free from everything that was holding you back. Go back to studying, maybe, like you always wanted to.

I miss you.

I forbade myself from coming here more than once a month, but that failed miserably, as you probably know. The kids, too. I see Taehyung’s letters take up about half of this guest book. And I know Hoseok replaces the flowers every few days. I banned Jungkook from coming here because he’s got to study, but I’m not going to pretend I don’t know he comes here at least once every week, still.

We all miss you, still. Been three years, and…

We haven’t moved, you know. Can’t. There are traces of you all over our old house. We bought the building from the owner and cleaned it up a bit, but we left most of it untouched. I still catch Jimin crying sometimes in the kitchen. We all kind of suck at cooking.

I digress.

The reason why I’m writing to you today for the first time in 1000 days is that we released a song for you. It’s going to be out at noon today. Remember the piece of paper Namjoon put in here when we put you to rest? They were lyrics. We’ve never recorded a song ourselves before, you know. Just made music for other people to sing. This is our first time actually recording our own song. We roped Jungkook and Jimin and Taehyung into it, too. Didn’t seem right without them when it’s a song for you.

It sounds good, I think. Who knows what everyone else will think, but I think it sounds good.

It’s for you. You did everything for us. Lived every single moment of your life for us. Protected us even when we should have protected you.

Life is cruel that way. Took you from us before we could protect you from it. Before I could.

I loved you, more than anything else. Still do, I guess.

I wish I had the courage to stop you every time you came back home in pain. I always hated myself for letting you go out there, but I was too scared to do anything about it. You always put us first, but every time I wanted to keep you back, I kept thinking about how we were going to carry on if you weren’t making money.

Sorry.

I think to myself sometimes, if just I stopped you, if just once I put you above us, maybe you’d still be alive.

Sorry I didn’t come here and write before. I tried, multiple times. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say. But it’s been 1000 days. I think…

I think it’s time to move on.

That doesn’t mean I’m going to forget you. I don’t think I could, even if I wanted, even if I tried. None of us are going to. I mean that it’s time that I accepted you’ve passed on. Namjoon says you’re in a better place. I don’t believe in heaven, or god, or anything, but if there is a heaven, I’m sure you’re there. Even if there isn’t, I’m sure you’re somewhere good. I know you’re somewhere nice.

Wait for us there, hyung. I don't know if we deserve to be up there, but you deserve to be happy and I know you're the happiest with us there. Until then, I’m going to stop grieving. I’m going to stop crying and start facing forward. I loved you, and I still love you, and that’s not going to be the chains that bind me anymore. That’s going to be my strength to push me forward. I’ll take care of the kids, hyung. I know I promised you I would, but I’ve been kind of neglecting it. I’ll keep my promise. Because just as you meant the world to me, they mean the world to me, too.

I think Namjoon’s coming here soon to let you listen to the song when it’s out. In fact, I think I hear him and Hoseok arguing about the color of the flowers… Yup, it’s them. Hoseok’s been buying pink flowers for you and Namjoon wants to put in some white ones in. That’s what I can get from what I can hear…

I hope you like the song, hyung. After all, we wrote the lyrics for you. Not just you, though. For all of us.

Because we are bulletproof.

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Laura (Guest) on Chapter 1 Wed 21 Oct 2015 08:15PM UTC

This was actually one of the first BTS fics I've ever read and I still remember how much I cried because of it. I've read it maybe ?? 7 ?? times since then and I still think this is an absolute masterpiece. Thanks for writing this, I will forever cry over this fic.

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ProbablyaVillain on Chapter 1 Sun 29 Nov 2015 01:29PM UTC

This is so beautiful. I have never been so in pain before but its a good pain. I want to call up my friends and family and tell them I love them. Thank you for such a beautiful story. Thank you.

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AdidasandYSL on Chapter 1 Sun 27 Dec 2015 09:25AM UTC

I had to hold back tears when I finished this fic since I was in a car with my family. Just. This was heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time. This was so so beautiful. I loved how Suga and Jin's relationship was so subtly powerful. That letter really hit me right in the heart. Thank you so much for writing this! You're really talented.

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Phix_tainte (Guest) on Chapter 1 Mon 28 Dec 2015 07:38PM UTC

I didn't reakise I'll cry but right exactly at the last word the tears just came omfg I like this so much thank youu I really like family fics but this made me cry so bad just wow

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Smiletaetae on Chapter 1 Thu 10 Mar 2016 04:32PM UTC

I feel so heart broken. This story is so amazing. I cried so much. The feels are too much

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Account Deleted on Chapter 1 Mon 16 May 2016 03:23AM UTC

this is so sad :-/

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Fz (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sat 22 Oct 2016 03:40PM UTC

Imcryingimcryingimcrying
Jin is so pure.
I can't stand the idea of him ever being sad.
I don't even ship Yoonjin but idc bc this is really well written. I can tell I won't stop crying but it's brilliant. I need to keep reminding myself that this isn't real. I'm way too emotionally attached to these boys.
Ignore my rambling. I really like it so far.

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missunicorn (Guest) on Chapter 1 Fri 30 Dec 2016 03:20PM UTC

Reading the comments makes me scared to continue reading but I know I'm gonna end up crying I just knew it and I don't wanna be sad on my birthday but this story is tempting idk bye hopefully I won't cry much

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phinfilter on Chapter 1 Fri 03 Mar 2017 04:10AM UTC

wow shit i fuck

uhmfuck fuck fuck

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swagdaegu (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sun 09 Apr 2017 12:19PM UTC

Hello, I'm A.R.M.Y from Vietnam. I really like this fic, can I translate to Vietnamese ver? I think will have many people love this because it's so good. I will write full the credit of you. Thank you very much. Luv <3

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babyblue (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sat 15 Apr 2017 06:56AM UTC

omg i already cried on the first chapter.. idk how i'm gonna survive till the end.. wish me luck fam..

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Cinny_cyn on Chapter 1 Wed 26 Apr 2017 11:31PM UTC

God this breaks my heart.

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Stefanie (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sun 25 Jun 2017 05:52PM UTC

I read this at 2am last night already. And now I'm reading it again and crying again. Already.
Seokjin deserves the world.

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moraneuclid on Chapter 1 Wed 09 Aug 2017 02:50PM UTC

my heart is breaking shit why do you do this you're amazing

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Thedragonlegend5911 (Guest) on Chapter 1 Tue 17 Oct 2017 12:33AM UTC

Poor Jimin. There’s nothing really special or prominent about him so far. He’s just... there. Love you oppas and unnie for making this.

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baducci on Chapter 1 Tue 07 Nov 2017 05:12PM UTC

So, on twitter, I asked people to recommend tearjerker, painful, cry-me-a-river kind of fic and this was immediately sent to me.
I've only read Red by you but I know from that that you are capable of writing sad fics. And boy.. did I get just exactly what I asked for in this one.
I'm only one chapter in and wow.. that fucking hurts. I really do have tears flowing already. But it's more of angry-cry than sad-cry because ugh damn.. the topic you chose to highlight in this story is just.. wow.
I was more angry at the fact that this kind of thing hapens in real world & that people can be so fucking selfish and judgmental without knowing the difficulties other people are experiencing.
I love how you chose such a risque theme. And I'm all for this fic!! Thank you!

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Vidya29 on Chapter 1 Mon 20 Nov 2017 08:14PM UTC

This made me sob,ugly,snotty,big fat tears sob. I have never really hated on prostitution or those who practice it but I say this here,I hate all those who force others into this profession or are their clients with a burning passion. I hate people like that boy's mother who jungkook punched. I hate people like the orphanage's caretaker. I just really hate the society we live in at times.But, people like Seokjin here,or his little family of bulletproof boys and hyosang make me all soft.
I was really affected by this piece.It was brilliantly written.Thank you for sharing this.Take care!

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Jade (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sun 25 Feb 2018 01:42AM UTC

Wah! Im crying.....when seokjin knelt to the floor..my heart dropped...i thought he’s gonna say something smart or sassy to comeback from the insult but he knelt oh my gosh..to lower himself like that my heart is breaking

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pasteldialogues on Chapter 1 Sat 12 May 2018 05:29PM UTC

I had read this in 2017 after reading save me and it was a torture. I didn’t know I could still cry that much after actually bawling like a baby while still reading save me. This fic is the reason why I had swollen eyes for a whole day. Thank you so much for the hard work and for making me cry every time I re-read your stories. They will always convey the same emotions no matter how many times I read every lines. All in all I just want to say is thank you for existing and writing this heart wrenching story. You’re one of my favourite writers and I am hoping for the day that you will comeback again and give this fandom an angsty story once again.

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Simay (Guest) on Chapter 1 Tue 03 Jul 2018 11:07AM UTC

Hii can I translate this story into turkish

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