Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

She wasn’t supposed to feel this way.

Cloud kissed her. Finally kissed her. 

HER. Tifa Lockhart. She just kissed her childhood friend.

The man she had been in love with for many years.

The one who always had her heart.

Cloud kissed her. 

Shouldn’t she feel happy about it? Because after a long, long , time, they were finally in the direction where she wanted them to be.

So why wasn’t she? 

Why could she only feel the pain...the guilt , of kissing the man of her dreams? Tifa broke her lips apart from his and looked away. Her eyes fixed at the flower girl that stood in the little audience that gathered around them and felt shame creep up her insides.

Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on you.

Tifa didn’t see the smile the flower girl offered and the encouraging words that followed after.

At the corner of her eyes she saw his lips connecting to hers, it went by a few seconds but she felt it like hours.

She willed herself to look away and smile.

Her heart earned a new bruise.

He was at the bar today. 

Waiting up for her maybe? She didn’t know. She didn’t want to know why he was here. After all, her decision to distance herself from him was obvious ever since that kiss. Ever since she felt like a low woman who took her best friend’s man. Even if she knew they had broken up a long time ago. 

Tifa felt absolutely dirty.

The patrons were leaving and it was time to close the bar but Cloud didn’t move a muscle from where he sat. His eyes only moved to stare at her, when she was finally done cleaning up the bar, it was then that he stood up. Every second was torture for her as she watched him walk closer and closer to where she was, looked away when he was in front of her. She was getting used to looking away from him. 

“Tifa..” He whispered as he gently grabbed her chin to make her face him.

“We need to talk.”

Her response was quicker than she would have liked it to be, “What do we need to talk about?”

His mako-induced eyes continued to stare at her for a moment (she saw pain, confusion and maybe hope) before he uttered out an answer,

“Us.”

“What about us?”

“Tifa, you know what this is about.”

“If you’re talking about the kiss, we should forget it. It doesn’t matter and it doesn’t mean a thing. I know—” The words died down in her throat as he kissed her passionately. Licked her lower lip to ask for permission to deepen it. Her knees buckled under her and she complied.

His tongue roamed her mouth. Cajoled her. Hypnotized her. Made her want more.

Yet this was wrong. Oh, so very wrong.

Even when his lips on hers felt so very right. Cloud was the one to break away first, attacked her neck and proceeded to go lower...and lower. His hands touched her everywhere. And where he touched it burned. Her defenses was slowly, ever so slowly, crumbling down but her mind took her back to the memory of listening to him and her in the other room, moaning, groaning, whimpering. The lyrics of each other’s name and the harmony of their voices coming together to play a sound that hinted of immense pleasure.

That was when she pulled away from him. Tears at the corner of her eyes that threatened to spill down. 

“Tifa?” 

But she didn’t mind him. She only broke down. 

You are just second best. A voice whispered at the back of her head.

Second best.

Second best.

She was only the second best.

Tifa liked to think that she had grown out of her love for him. Had grown out of her pain in seeing him with someone else. Happy with someone else. It was why she had dated Johnny, right? 

It only took one look at their linked hands to know that she hadn’t.

That seeing him with her best friend hurt her, broke her, in many ways than one. Being one of the key witnesses to their development made it more heart shattering. 

The times when he would always go back to her after being with her. Of the times he was clueless about what she was feeling.

Was he really that dense? Or was it that he didn’t want her? She didn’t know. She couldn’t bear to know.

However, it was her best friend and it was Cloud. As long as they were happy, as long as he was happy, she was willing to give him away. She loved him enough like that.

The flower girl was good for him. She was everything he needed and she wouldn’t want that flower girl to be sad either. Could never blame her for falling in love with the same man she put her heart in his hands. Could never see her in a bad light. It was never her fault that he chose to give his heart to her.

She was willing to wither if it meant that he would grow.

She sometimes dreamed of his blue eyes with a little bit of green and see love in them. Love that was directed to her and only her.

She dreamed of what it would be like to have his arms around her. Of him whispering sweet nothings in her ear and curl into him after. Of his tasting his sweet lips.

She dreamed of happiness with him.

But happiness was something that was always out of reach as her hands were tainted with too much blood. Too many deaths. 

Tainted with Jessie and Biggs and Wedge and the innocent people of Sector Seven. With Nibleheim. With her dad.

And she thought that it was enough of a reason to give and give and give until she was left with nothing.

Because she did not deserve any of it. Did not deserve to be selfish.

Did not deserve any of his love at all.

It was her punishment. Her redemption. For how long will she redeem herself of it? She thought,

  for as long as I live.

“Hmm. Ye, I will. Bye.”

Barret ended the call and put the phone down at the table. He glanced at the barmaid sitting on one of the chairs of his dining table and sighed

“He called me again Tifa. Asked your whereabouts. He seemed really desperate to know where you are.”

Tifa could only stare outside the window with a far away look. She nodded absently and stayed quiet. Not wanting to say anything out of fear that she would break down, again .

She could hear Barret sigh once more.

“Tifa, you’ve been ere’ for three days now. Closed the bar until further notice. Left without any warning. Spikey’s really worried. The lil ninja told me that he’s been restless.”

“I don’t want to see him at the moment” was her only reply. 

It was funny, really. How she was running away from him. Avoiding the problem at hand. It wasn’t like her but then she had been pretending to be what she was all this time.

“Teef, what’s really going on here?”

It was when Barret thought that she wouldn’t respond that she softly said,

“I’m scared, Barret.”

Tifa turned to face him then. Saw how he silently encouraged her to continue and it made her pour out to him.

“I’m scared of what our relationship will change into. I’m scared because I feel like I’m stealing him away from Aerith. That he wants to be with me because he had no other choice in the matter. I’m afraid….because I feel like I’m not enough. I won’t be enough for him that he’ll leave. I mean, what did he even see in me? He didn’t see me then so why would he now? His affections for me as a child had long faded, didn’t it?”

She inhaled and tried to fight the tears.

“I’m afraid that if I let him in..if I let myself be happy...I’ll never recover anymore when things fall apart.”

The big man was at her side the next minute, his big arms embracing her. He offered no words, just his presence. Tifa let out one deep breath (she had enough of crying for this past weeks) before she hugged back.

“Tifa, I love you.” The spiky blond said. Butterflies swirled in her stomach, she looked up at him to say the words back but she what she saw were….eyes, eyes of his that were dead, dull and full of regret.

Suddenly she felt like she couldn’t breathe. She clutched at her heart, focusing on the pain. When she glanced up once more, she didn’t see him.

She only saw how he was laughing, kissing and gazing at the light brown haired beauty with emerald eyes that sparkle.

She had no room in his heart.

She knew.

She awoke with a heavy breath. Nightmares were something she was accustomed to by now. She clutched at her heart just like what she did in her dream and took deep inhales. She needed to calm herself.

But being accustomed to something doesn't mean that it would hurt less.

Tifa saw him leaving the tent after they talked. She watched him walk away from her.

Watched him as he made his way to the flower girl.

Watched him walk away with her bruised heart that he didn’t even know he was carrying.

Watched him break it without picking up the pieces.

She wasn’t the one he wanted.

“We’re dating” Cloud declared as he showed his and Aerith’s linked hands.

Tifa didn’t know her heart could break anymore than it already did.

She smiled though, because who was she to be sad about it?

“Congratulations, you two. I’m happy for you.”

She didn’t lie. She truly was happy for them.

Yet, she also knew that she wouldn’t be the same. Knew how something broke inside in a way that wouldn’t completely heal.

She wasn’t the one he wanted.

But the planet knew how much she wanted to be.

He doesn’t love me.

He doesn’t love me.

He doesn’t love me.

There was a knock on the front door on the fifth day she was staying in North Corel. Marlene was busy playing in the living room while Barret was out doing his usual business. Tifa took slow steps toward the front door, her hands gripped the knob and turned it open. 

Her eyes widened as she released a gasp. Everything stilled and she felt a little bit dizzy. 

Because the one who stood in front of her was her best friend, the flower girl Aerith Gainsborough.

Chapter Text

Aerith gave a gentle smile her way while she held Tifa’s arm and tugged her inside the house, closing the door after them.

The flower girl continued her way upstairs, only stopping to greet Marlene sweetly, dragging her with the girl’s dainty steps. When they entered the guest room, Aerith let go of her hand and sat on the bed. Both of them didn’t utter a single word for a while but she found that she didn’t like the silence between them. It made her uncomfortable. 

The quiet gnawed at her insides. Guilt clawed at her heart. So she was the first one to break the ice.

“Aerith...what are you doing here?”

Her best friend didn’t answer, she just smiled that sweet and comforting smile of hers as she patted the space next to her. Tifa contemplated for too brief of a moment before she hesitantly made her way and sat beside the flower girl.

The said girl took hold of her hand and gently squeezed it.

“I’m here because Barret called me and told me you were here and that you needed some girl talk.” Her green eyes shone with concern. Tifa squeezed her hand back but remained at a loss for words.

“So, Tifa, what’s wrong? Why did you disappear like that? Cloud was very worried about you.”

Hearing his name come out of her lips made the shame increase tenfold.

Shame on you. Shame on you. Shame on you.

“I…” she started yet the words were still stuck in her throat.

But Aerith knew what she wanted to say. Somehow, the flower girl always knew everything.

“Tifa..remember when I said that the Lifestream gives me signs...signs when both people are not destined to be with each other? Who are not soulmates?”

Tifa made a little nod. Of course she remembered that. She remembered it and the words Aerith told her never left her mind.

“Well, the Lifestream gives me signs when a person denies their soulmate.”

Tifa let a lone tear fall then.

The next thing she knew was that everything she had kept hidden deep inside her heart. All the insecurities and questions, poured out.

“Aerith. I’m so sorry.”

“Whatever for?

“For...for what’s happening. I..I know you love him. Love him with all your heart. I’m just...sorry.”

“Tifa, I can’t accept your apologies. Because you never did anything wrong in the first place.”

“But Aerith! He loves you! And you love him and I can’t help to think that I’m here as a distraction. I don’t want to hurt you. You’re too much of a good person to get hurt.”

“Tifa. Look at me.” 

And Tifa looked straight into Aerith’s emerald eyes.

“I’m not a saint. I can be selfish and insecure too. I have my fair share of misdeeds.”

The flower girl now held both of her hands.

“I’ve experienced my happiness with him, Tifa. Yes, it hurt to separate. It hurt to end it. The only thing is that I don’t regret ending it. If we both continued what we had. We’ll hurt each other more and more.”

Aerith wiped away the tears that were falling down on her cheek with her thumb.

“Do you know why? It’s because we weren’t meant to be. In the very beginning. What happened, what changed between us, it was never your fault. I’ll bet you’re just much of a victim as both him and me.”

“Please don’t think that you’ve stolen him away. Don’t ever think that I will paint you as such. I always knew in my heart that it wouldn’t work out in the long run. I was only denying the inevitable. Besides, I’m honestly and genuinely fine now.”

“I...” Tifa interrupted. “I don’t want you to think what you had with him was a mistake, Aerith. I don’t want you to downplay what you had because in those years. I knew what you had was real. I know he loves you. More than I will ever be with him.”

A heartfelt laughter came upon her best friend.

“Tifa, I promise you I will never think of it as a mistake. And even though what we had was real, even though he loved me..it ended Tifa. We can’t change that. He will always have a place in my heart, just like you have yours in mine. And I think...I found my soulmate years ago. And he never left his place inside of me. He took a piece forever.”

Aerith sniffed.

“So please, don’t do this to yourself okay? I’ve had my happiness. It’s time you had yours. I would like you to stop thinking that you’re this insignificant person with no worth. Someone who thinks of herself as a person who can’t be loved by somebody. As someone who wouldn’t be enough. I will hit you with my staff if you keep thinking that to yourself.”

For the first time in days, Tifa smiled a genuine smile. She laughed and threw her arms at this girl who she loved very much.

“Thank you so much, Aerith. Thank you. I love you.”

The flower girl gave a laugh again as she embraced her back.

“I love you too, you silly girl. Just remember, Tifa, that it had always been you.”

Tifa didn’t seem to fully understand the flower girl’s sentence as she relished in her embrace and shared each other’s tears

For the rest of the day, both girls lay in the bed and shared stories of their lives. Sad and happy alike. They laughed. They cried. And gave each other comfort.

Tifa will be forever thankful for her kindred spirit.

The weight on Tifa’s shoulders eased ever so slightly...yet some insecurities stayed.

Haunting.

She was back in Edge. 

Once she was settled back in, Tifa opened the bar for business, she couldn’t help but miss her bar and her patrons. It was busier than ever as she concludes that her patrons missed having a quiet bar to drink at.

The day went by in a blur of her tending the bar and as closing time neared, she was beginning to tire. Her movements slowed down as a result of her exhaustion, she couldn’t wait to lie down on her bed. 

As she was cleaning up, the bells chimed signaling a newcomer has entered the premises. However, the bar was already closed for the day, she tilted her head up and warned,

“I’m sorry but the bar’s—-“ The words were cut halfway as she gaped at the figure standing by the door.

Cloud was looking intensely at her from where he stood and for Gaia knows how many minutes, they just gazed at each other’s eyes. Blue and red clashed yet the hint of longing was evident in both.

He rubbed the back of his neck before he made his way to her, never disconnecting their gazes from one another. As soon as he was at arms length, Cloud stopped in front of her. 

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Uhm, Tifa...can we...can we talk?”

She wanted to think about it but decided against the idea. She avoided him and the issue at hand for too long. It needed to be addressed. Once and for all.

Besides, she knew this was going to happen sooner or later. And she was done running away from him. She couldn’t do so if she tried because she knew she would always gravitate towards him.

“Okay..but let me, let me finish cleaning the glasses first. Wait for me in one of the booths.”

She knew she was buying time. Stalling as the overdue talk loomed around them. She stole a glance at him and saw how he was patient. How ready he seemed to be and that relieved her of sorts. The last glass was put away and she took unhurried steps to the booth where he sat.

It was finally time.

When she sat on the other side, facing him, they didn’t really say anything for the first few seconds.

“Tifa..”

Her eyes roamed his face before finally settling on his ocean eyes. She wanted to drown in them. Wanted to drown in him. Her breath hitched though, as she saw

something in those eyes.

Saw love in them. Was she seeing things? Or was she just refusing to see it all this time?

And her defenses crashed all the way down.

Words flew right out of her mouth before she knew it. Words that she told Barret. Words that she said to Aerith.

It all came pouring down in this moment.

Tears were freely flowing at each raw weakness that she showed. Some were harder to say but she said it nonetheless.

She needed this. He needed to know. They needed it.

She didn’t mind his arms pulling her into a hug (when did he sit beside her?) and took comfort in it. Held his arms to steady herself.

He held her as she sat there speaking the secrets she held in her for so long.

He didn’t really love her.

Shame.

Second best.

Everything. She let out everything. And as the words slowly died and her throat scratched from use.

She felt wetness in her shoulder and realized that Cloud was crying too. Her heart swelled and she heard him speak.

Cloud tried to calm his nerves as he searched his brain for the things to say. It hurt him, deeply hurt him, to listen to Tifa crying out what her heart held for so long.

It made him guilty. It made him regret the times that he had cowered in fear.

Yet, this moment made him fall in love with her more.

His tears were falling in sync with hers and maybe it was because they were connected in a way like that.

They were soulmates.

He lifted his head off her shoulder and cupped her face with his hand.

He began to speak,

“I’m sorry, Tifa. I’ve made you wait for a long time. Are you willing to give this a chance? I’m scared too but we’ll get through this together. I’m here to wait for you. As long as you need me to be. You waited enough and now it’s my turn to show you.”

It surprised him that the words flowed smoothly. Maybe he didn’t need to think so hard because they came out naturally from his heart.

“I cherished what happened with Aerith, I loved her too, was happy during those times. Yet, something was amiss. The excitement slowly died down between us. It was just that, I didn’t want to hurt her. So I took a blind eye. However, the longer the relationship went, I realized that it wasn't fair for Aerith. Or me. Or you. I was scared. Afraid of what would happen.

Because I realized that, Tifa, from the very start…

It was you.

It was you all along. 

And I’ve just been too blind and too dumb to see it. To deny what it was. 

I’ll say this. And I’m going to say this to you. Forever if I have to. I’m not going to lie to myself anymore.

Please accept these words Tifa. Accept me. Accept the inevitable change our relationship will go through. Because I can’t help it anymore. Can’t deny it any longer.”

And Cloud poured every ounce of love and affection and comfort, showed it in his eyes. In his body language. In everything that he was.

Because that was what this means.

His whole being belonged to her. Screamed for her. He was the embodiment of love for Tofa Lockhart.

He pressed his lips onto hers, short but painfully, painfully sweet and genuine. He badly wanted to show her how deeply and truly he loved her. No amount of words can show that. He needed to try though.

He needed her to know out loud.

“I love you. Very much.”

And he would make sure that she was reminded of that every day. Would make sure time wasn’t wasted.

He wanted to live the remainder of his life and he wanted to live it with her.

Tifa cried harder.

Finally... finally ...she thought that it was enough. She believed him.

Happiness is here and once again, she would let it into her heart.

He was and will always be her soulmate after all.

Suddenly her heart wasn’t as bruised as it had been.