Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It took a while to figure out

What type of girl that I'm about

Who brings the real man out of me, yah

It was just one of those days when Damien was glad to be dating a girl like Boze. She was simply perfect for him. He loved the way her messy brown hair fell in her face and the way she didn’t care to wipe it behind her ear. He liked her sense of style. She had on baggy, dark blue jeans, her favorite pair of Nike Airs, a black t-shirt, an army green jacket, and a black beanie that complimented her chunky-framed glasses.

I want a girl who takes the bus and who wears baggy jeans

Rockin' Nike Airs, what the h*ll are Louboutins?

Don't want no fake tan, short skirt, daddy's money don't work

Shop until you drop on the town

She was scrolling through probably Twitter on her old iPhone 4, barely holding the railing near the top of the bus. Damien’s arm was around her shoulders and his head resting somewhat on hers. College life sucks.  

“You okay?” Boze asked without looking up. Damien sort of hummed before answering simply.

“Yeah, just tired. I can’t wait for our date tonight!” She gasped.

“Same! I can’t wait to see what you have planned, Mr. Improv!” She teased. He rolled his eyes, which Boze couldn’t see.

“I have a plan!”

“Sure,” she replied sarcastically. He stuck his tongue out, knowing she wouldn’t see that either.

I don't want a girl who take selfies, want her make up free

Don't want no mean girl lady, a pink prom queen

I want a girl who climbs trees, always dirt on her jeans

Her daddy told her how to fix cars, maybe she could fix me

Damien loved Boze’s frugal lifestyle. The way she’d eat every last noodle of her ramen, how she’d eat all of the fruit before it spoiled, how she’d drink the milk from her cereal so it wouldn’t go to waste, how she only bought necessities and Damien had to get her a chocolate bar every once in a while because she refused to et herself one. And even then, she’d roll her eyes at the fact that Damien had ‘wasted money on chocolate’. Dates were different. She didn’t mind them, but more than once a month was ‘too expensive’ for her. But Damien liked that. She was wiser than he’d ever be. Ever.

And all we used to dream about

Is getting rich and getting out

Move to the nicer part of town

Where we'd have numbers on our house

But most importantly, Damien loved Boze for who she was. He loved her funny personality and her sweet compliments, even if it was impossible for Damien to accept them. ‘It’s not an issue Damien, you’re just mean’, she’d teased. He liked when she teased him. It was her way of combining ‘I love you’ with her humor.

I want a smart girl, stronger than her father

Someone who will laugh and tryna fit in the crowd

“I love you,” Damien mumbled.

“Aw, I love you too, Damimen!” She jovially responded. She let go of the rail (on a MOVING bus), spun around, grabbed Damien’s confused face, and gave him a sweet kiss. He had to hold her upright with the arm that wasn’t holding onto the rail. They parted and took deep breaths. “I had to do it before we get locked up in college all day.”

“I’m not upset.” He grinned mischievously. “Do it again.”

I don't really want no trust fund baby

I like my women independent

And I say to people, "that's my lady"

And we don't need nothing e-e-e-lse

I don't want no trust fund baby

Save your money, don't spend it

And I say to people, "that's my lady"

And we don't need nothing e-e-e-lse

Chapter Text

“Well well well, trussed up like a Christmas gift!” The villainous man chuckled as he walked into the dark basement. He had a small pocket knife in his hand that shined when he held it in the slivers of light from cracks in the walls and ceiling. 

“Let me go,” Mari ordered. Drew chuckled manically.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t get that, aren’t you gagged?” True, Mari’s mouth was stuffed with a craft store bandana. He strutted over and ran the freshly sharpened blade over her cheek, causing her to shy away. “Don’t run away, Mari, daddy’s here for you,” he teased. Mari glared and bit down on the gag hard. He softly punctured her cheek and she winced as a tiny dot of blood started to form. Her hands and feet were bound behind the metal column and she couldn’t swat away the blood and single tear from her right cheek. Drew, being the disgusting sexual harasser he was, licked it straight off her. Mari jerked away and dry heaved. “Oh Mariko,” he sighed. She tried to break free to punish him for using her full name, but she couldn’t. His chuckle practically drove her insane.

“You’re sadistic,” she growled. He mockingly put a hand up to his ear.

“What was that, Mari-,” he paused and grinned devilishly, “ko?” Mari coughed up the gag and started screaming things she’d wanted to say forever.

“You are a dirty-a*s piece of uneducated sh*t! How do people hang out with you, you’re such a f*cked up fa-” But Drew was good at what he intended to do. He cut her off by placing his sticky, bloody hands on Mari’s face and his lips on hers. She struggled but he moved his left hand to her shoulder and held her in place. She screamed to the best of her abilities but Drew was kissing her firmly and his hand was making it’s way to her chest. She clumsily spun around to the other side of the column and he moaned disappointedly.

“Mariko, I was having fun,” he pleaded. She dry heaved yet again and he kicked away the pocket knife on the floor. “Where were we?”

“Nowhere,” she stubbornly replied. He swept over to where she had moved to and got to close for comfort. She carefully slipped her bare, right foot as Drew moved in for another kiss. She tried her best to act like she was kissing him back and he let out a squeak of surprise. With her free foot, she pointed her toes and maneuvered it to in between his legs and strongly kicked up.

“Ah!” He shouted as he sank to the ground. Mari hastily tried to untie her hands and one slipped through. Drew was trying to get up, but she stepped on his hand with her still free foot. “Uhn,” he groaned as he fell back again onto the cold, concrete floor. 

“You caught me.” She beamed diabolically. “Well, not anymore.” He winced and she then ran up the creaky wooden stairs. She didn’t bother to try the front door, it was probably locked anyway. She grabbed a random wooden beam and threw it through his window and climbed out. She ran barefoot for probably an hour until she reached a gas station and tearfully dialed the memorized number on the public phone. “Wes? I need you to pick me up…”

Chapter Text

It was just so odd. When I first moved in, the beautiful raven-haired woman had left a wicker basket of delicious orange cookies on my doorstep with a note that read ‘Greetings. I live next door, my name is Olivia. I hope we can become good friends. Welcome to our town!’. This ‘Olivia’ person just stared at me from her front porch, a slight smile pulling at the corners of her lips. I waved and she slowly waved back. How interesting. Her face was like that of royalty, but without the heavy white powder, bloodred lips, brightly blushed cheeks, and covered eyebrows. She had a simple navy green maxi skirt and the top of her outfit was a simple white shirt with long sleeves and a matching St. Birgitta cap. Her dark hair hung out the back in wavy strands. She still has the same mysterious but alluring aura about her… quite odd. Especially when my good friend Shayne practically broke down my door to fetch me. 

“Come! It’s Olivia! She’s being burned in the square!” Sh*t, I knew this would happen someday. Shayne grabbed my arm and speedily dragged me out my door, and I barely shut it before I was too far away. 

“How did you know?” I shouted over the loud sound of wind in our ears as we sprinted to the square.

“I was meeting Damien at the bakery and everyone was rioting and chanting stuff like ‘burn the witch’ and such. I knew I had to get you, you two are practically inseparable.”

“Thanks.”

“No need to thank me, I respect anyone who can cure the black death!” Oh right, she cured him a while back. We got there just in time. The whole town, including people I know who had been suspicious such as Joshua, Noah, Keith, Mari, and so on were gathered around a post surrounded by straw and sticks. Sarah and Matt, who I don’t know personally but are well known as the aristocratic family in our town, were standing nearby Olivia, in her beautiful orange, yellow, and white gown, tied to the wooden post. Matt held a torch that was flaming at the top. The two were shouting and waving fists in the air as the whole town joined the chant. Shayne and I pushed from the back to the front, where Damien stood blurry-eyed.

“What?”

“She’s going to die,” he whispered.

“No, I’m going to save her.” Sarah started quieting the crowd and Matt strutted over to stand by my girl. My throat burned as I felt my stomach push my breakfast up. I swallowed as I devised a plan.

“Everyone! Olivia Sui is a witch! And we burn witches! So what are we going to do?” She screeched.

“Burn the witch!” The townspeople chorused.

“When I go up, knock Matt’s torch out of his hand,” I uttered in Shayne’s ear. He nodded grimly and positioned himself to sprint. “Ma’am! Her ties are undone!” I exclaimed as I crawled onto the “stage”. The aristocrats glared at Olivia and me as I untied her bounds. Shayne dashed up and knocked down Matt’s torch with his strong arms. The wooden platform caught fire and the rich couple cried in fear and ran away. I tugged Olivia away from her post and kissed her. She placed her hands on the side of my face and crashed her body into mine. She looked up at me with her beautiful almond-colored eyes.

“I am a witch, you know.” We grinned.

“I do.”

“I don’t mean to alarm you lovebirds, but the fire is right there!” Shayne shrieked. My witch and I turned around and sure enough, we almost got devoured by the flames. I tried running, but Olivia, Shayne, Damien, and I were soaring through the clouds straight for her home. We softly landed on her lawn and her ginger cat, Molly, purred as she rubbed her head on my skirt where my leg was. I giggled and reached down to scratch her behind the ears.

“Well, that was terrifying.”

“That’s an understatement,” Shayne contended.

“Touche.”

“Thanks for helping Courtney save me,” Olivia bashfully addressed.

“Damien was crying,” Shayne teased.

“Was not!”
“Almost,” I compromise.

“Thank you, Damien, for being so worried about me.”

“No, I was just scared of what Courtney would do to us if you died.”

“Oh.”

“He didn’t mean it,” I cover, punching him semi-softly in the arm.

“When are you going to get married?” Shayne joshed.

“Soon,” Olivia responded without missing a beat as she turned to look at me.

“Very soon,” I agree. Very soon indeed.

Chapter Text

We have some pretty stupid ideas. I mean, who bought a f***ing smartphone? Why did they put the number on the internet? Who does that? Well, us, I guess. The phone rang yet again and Shayne groaned agitatedly. I could answer it, I mean, I’m just sitting at my desk doing absolutely nothing, but… I kinda don’t want to. What if they’re weird? Screw it. Shayne reached for the smartphone and hit the answer button.

“Hi you’ve reached Smosh, your favorite pizza place, this is Shayne.” Sh*t, that was weird. Was I too formal? Sh*t.

“OH MY F***ING LORD, YOU’RE FOR REAL!” F*ck yeah. Real as ever.

“Yes, I am real, not a voicemail. How can I help you?” Don’t sound frustrated. You’re not frustrated. You’re excited, chatting with a fan! Woohoo!

“I just really want to thank you, because I was looking at the comments on the announcement and people were saying that you don’t pick up or that the number is managed by a company that just sells your number to people, so thanks for not only not selling our number, but also for answering. This really means a lot.” Shayne’s heart felt warm and fuzzy. Woah, who knew this meant so much to people! Courtney had been managing the texts with Damien, no one had really answered when someone actually called, so Shayne felt special. My job.

“Yeah, I’m not sure who I’d sell your number to, maybe Ian’s mom.”

“NO! You give the elderly stuff for free!” The lady on the other end sarcastically scolded. She’s great. This is the kind of person I want to talk to.

“Fine. I’ll give her Damien for free.” The girl laughed.

“So I have a few questions.”

“Ask away, I’m not shooting anything.”

“Okay. These don’t pertain to me, some people are just too scared to call.”

“Mhm.”

“Okay. Do you do homework help?”

“Depends. I can do one plus one.” She giggled. Am I really that funny? “I mean, I’m getting a psychology degree, I can kind of help with that. Elementary, middle, and high school stuff shouldn’t be that hard, but I did have to take a math class in elementary because I needed ‘extra help’ with it. I dunno. Maybe someone else could.”

“Cool. Is Anthony coming back?” Shayne started ranting internally and it was a moment before it stopped. “Hello?”

“Hm? Oh, yeah, well-” Give her the answer or be optimistic? Y’know what, let’s combine those. “It’s his decision. If he wants to, sure, We’ll accept him. He’s doing great on his own though, he may not want to come back.”

“Cool. I totally respect his decision to leave, it was probably a hard one to make, but my friend insisted I ask.”

“Yeah, no, it’s cool.”

“What time is it there?”

“Two twenty-three.”

“Cool. I’m calling from Wisconsin, so a two hour time difference.”

“Sweet.”

“So, I have school so I always miss your uploads, and then I have practice for the play, so I don’t get home until five here, three for you. I have to wake up at five-thirty a.m.! But my point is, could you tell me the special surprise coming tomorrow? ” Oh, she wants to know the announcement. I could tell her, but do I really trust her? I feel bad that she had to miss our uploads every day, but what if she tells all her friends? Or posts it somewhere? As bad as I feel, it’s not my decision.

“I’m sorry, I don’t get to make that decision.”

“Okay.  One last question.”

“Mhm?”

“Could I add this number to my contacts?”

“Um, sure, I’m sure many people have already done it, ad we don’t really care, so sure.

Yeah.”

“Great! Thanks! Um, I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing. Goodbye,

Shayne.”

“Hey, wait, what’s your name? I really enjoyed talking to you, I’ve been too chicken to

pick up the d*mn phone because I was nervous some psychopath would ask for my information, but you were really entertaining.”

“Aw, thanks, Shayne. My name is Audrey. I had fun talking with you too. Goodbye again.” Shayne chuckled.

“Bye, Audrey.” That was so much fun! The phone rang again just as Damien walked in. He grinned when he heard the sound.

“Should we pick up?” The number on the screen wasn’t Audrey.

“I dunno. You, me, or both on speaker?”

“Mm, let’s do both. Hurry up! I’m excited!” Damien sat on the couch and they answered a call from a guy named Shane with no y from Liberty, Missouri. He was very specific, and the boys had a great call until most of the Smosh squad and Smosh Games members were all huddled around the couch. Man, I’m already looking forward to our lives with this little beauty. Great Idea, whoever came up with this sh*t!

Chapter Text

It was a normal day for Olivia Sui. Staying home from high school with her baby girl Courtney. Courtney’s father, Shayne Topp, however, was at high school. Dads never do anything for their children. Her cell phone rang and she set down her precious daughter in her swing.

“Hello?”

“Hey, babe.”

“Oh, Shayne, hi. How’s school?”

“It’s been good so far. It’s lunch break, do you want me to get you anything?”

“Hm. In ‘n’ Out will do. Any homework so far?”

“Yes. Lots. And the in-class work is bad too.” Olivia barely heard the car door shut.

“Can you email me the work? And get an extra copy if it’s on paper?”

“Of course. Do you have a specific order for In ‘n’ Out?”

“Whatever you’re getting for yourself.”

“Okay. I’ll see you soon, Liv. Daddy’s coming home, Courtney!” Shayne cooed. Olivia chuckled.

“Love you.”

“Love you too. Bye.” Olivia put down the phone and went to mix up Courtney’s bottle. She was feeding sleepy Courtney when the door softly cracked open. “Is she asleep?” Shayne whispered.

“No. I’m feeding her, though.”

“Oh, okay. I can take that for you so you can eat,” Shayne offered.

“No, you need to eat so you can get back to school.”

“I insist.” Olivia sighed and handed over their baby. He held her and looked at her fondly. Liv dug into her meal and finished it in less than 10 minutes. 

“Hurry. Take your meal and eat it in the car. I don’t want you to be late for class.”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Hecox understands that I’m caring for my family during lunch period and told me it’s okay if I’m a few minutes late.” Olivia sighed. She took Courtney from Shayne after he kissed her head. “I wish I could stay here with you two,” Shayne thought aloud.

“I wish so too.” Liv smiled. “But how else would I stay on top of my classes? How would you?” Shayne groaned.

“We should drop out,” he sarcastically suggested. They guffawed.

“Come on. Get to school and get good grades. Only the best father for Courtney.” They grinned. The teenage couple kissed and Shayne squeezed Olivia’s hand as he moved toward the door.

“I’ll see you soon, Livia. Bye, Courtney. Daddy loves you.” Olivia simpered to herself as Courtney dozed in her arms. Time to tend to all that schoolwork.

Chapter Text

This is a funny one because this is the story of how they started dating. New Year’s Eve, party at Shayne’s place, everybody was super drunk. Well, Damien wasn’t. He doesn’t drink. He did take in a sh*t ton of Mountain Dew, so he was f***ing insane. He’s the one who filled everyone (including me) in about that night’s events. Anyway, Shayne has his plastic cup of beer and Courtney has her can of alcoholic lemonade or whatever. Shayne walks up and he’s like,

“Hey b*tch, be my girlfriend?” For some reason that night, his drunken self was from New York. It was hilarious. She was more of an Australian herself.

“Nah, I’m good. Got enough right here.” She raised her can in cheers and dumped a bit on her face. She was acting like her Every BLANK Ever character, Janice, which was also f***ing hilarious. Anyway, Shayne was nice about the not quite rejection.

“Yeah, I got pretzels anyway,” He then walked to his pantry and pulled out a bag of straight up almonds. Lightly salted almonds. He then proceeds to open the bag and dump probably 10 almonds in his mouth. It took him probably a good 5 minutes to chew them. Then he went back to Courtney. “Those some good avocados. Yum.”

“Yeah, that’s good thing got 12 seconds,” she mumbled as she pointed to the TV. True, the ball was to drop in 12 seconds. When it did, Shayne kissed Courtney and she kissed him back. Damien’s jaw was wide open as he just stared. When they stopped (about 30 seconds later), Courtney asked, “Hey b*tch, be my boyfriend?” And Shayne laughed before passing out. Luckily, his beer cup was empty at that point. After a while, Damien helped us all get Ubers home and Shayne in bed. When Shayne woke up the next morning, Damien called and filled him in on last night.

“Aw, I totally would have taken her up on that offer!” Shayne exclaimed. Almost the same happened between Olivia and Courtney. Olivia had been drunk as well, so Damien had told her the details. He figured Court would want to hear the story from her best friend. 

“Aw, I feel bad for rejecting him like that, but as long as I made it up- wait! Did he reject me?”
“No, he laughed and went unconscious. That could be taken as a yes,” Olivia replied.

“Okay, I gotta go! Call back soon! Bye!”

“Oh, um, bye?” Olivia answered. Courtney then called Shayne, who picked up immediately.

“Hey b*tch, be my boyfriend?” Courtney asked nervously. Shayne chuckled on the other line.

“Y’know what? I may have to accept your offer!”
“So yes?”

“Yeah, of course, I’ve been waiting for this moment for a while now!
“To be honest, so have I!” Courtney gushed. They made plans to meet in-person on a date, and news spread quickly. We were all so happy that the ship had finally sailed!

Chapter Text

You wake up to the loudest sound you have ever heard in your life. You look over to where your husband should be laying next to you. He’s not there. Your head and heart pound as you sit up. Something smells burnt. You realize that’s the fire alarm as soon as Shayne sprints into the room to scoop you up and run outside. He sets you down and holds you close, never wanting to let go. You don’t either until you remember the most important thing in your life.

“THE BABY!” You scream as you push him away.

“NO!” But it’s too late, you’ve already entered the burning building. You know the firemen are here now and that they’re probably holding back screaming and crying Shayne from running in after you. “Precious” is crying and you try the door. It’s jammed. After ramming your shoulder into the door several times, you sink to your knees, sobbing and pounding on the door until a fragment falls out into the room. You kick at the door with all your might until you can crawl in. You grab her and her favorite stuffed animal before making your escape. When you step out of the house, coughing and partially blind from the smoke stinging your eyes, Shayne is sitting on the curb across the street. A few firemen approach you first.

“That wasn’t smart.” You look down.

“I know. But she’s just so important to me…” you trail off. The other firemen finish putting out the fire and walk over.

“So there was no candle tipping over or cooking involved, but we are going to contact your electricity company.” You groan and place your head in your hand. Someone taps you on the shoulder and you turn to see a younger-looking fireman. He gestures to Shayne across the street. You can’t stop yourself from running, even with a baby in your arms. As soon as he hears your footsteps, he looks up and sighs loudly with relief. He stands and wraps his arms around you and your daughter. You close your eyes and bury your face in his warm chest. No words are needed, you know how elated he is that you are safe. Tears fall from both your eyes and his. Shayne pulls your head up by your chin and kisses you.

“Damien’s house?” You manage to squeak. He smiles and nods.

“Damien’s house.”

Chapter Text

Keith walks over to me and I quickly switch to a new tab. I can’t let him see this! It’ll be revealed suddenly, they will not have known it’s existed this whole time!

“Hey Shayne, we’re gonna shoot another Try Not to Laugh Duel video. You coming?” I have too, I mean, I can’t seem as if I’m ignoring anything else for this sketch. This is an inside look into our lives, like a behind the scenes compilation.

“Yeah, give me a minute to wrap up.” Keith grabs his coffee and walks off, and Courtney looks up. I switch back to the sketch and continue writing. She notices that I’m alone, and comes over. I had no clue.

“What are you typing?” She asks. I immediately click my email tab and start scrolling, my face burning.

“N-nothing, I’m just- just checking my email.” She doesn’t buy it.

“No you weren’t Shayne, you were typing something. I saw the word ‘sketch’ at the top. Tell me about it.” She sits down in the chair next to my desk. I don’t know what to do. How do I keep this a secret?

“I’m writing ideas for future ‘Every BLANK Ever’s. Nothing important.” She nods and hums with interest.

“Hm. Like what?” God, she’s really interested! It’s not a lie… oh s**t, I forgot to ask you something before you read this! Can you keep it a secret? Don’t tweet anyone about this, don’t comment about it, please! It’s a surprise for Ian’s birthday! “Well?” I totally forgot she’s here!

“Um, well, there’s every makeup guru ever, every In ‘n’ Out ever, every superhero ever, just stuff we haven’t done. A lot of them are from the comments I’ve seen. Oh, and every Spencer’s ever is near the top.” She nods. 

“Can I see?” I know my exact answer to THAT.

“No.”

“How come?”

“I said so.” She sighs and walks away, so I go back to typing the sketch. Ian’s birthday IS coming up, so I have to finish this.

“HAHA! Caught ya!” Court exclaims, and I look behind to see that she has been watching me, and she never really left. I groan and switch tabs. “Y’know, that’s NOT ‘Every BLANK Ever’, right?” I gulp and nod. “What is it?” Don’t tell her, please!

“It’s none of your business, Courtney!”
“Shayne Topp, you’re not one to keep secrets. What is it?” I’m pretty annoyed right now, so I’m reconsidering my acceptation to this Try Not to Laugh Duel.

“I’m not going to tell you. Go get ready for Try Not to Laugh. They’re doing Duel this time.” She sighs. “And I’m going to watch you leave this time.”

“C’mon, Shayne! Hurry up, we don’t have all day!” Olivia yells.

“And get Courtney if you can!” Noah adds. I make a face at Courtney and she rolls her eyes.

“We’re coming!” She calls. She walks back to the set and I continue typing. Wow. Remember your promise! No telling! If she finds out, I have to come up with a whole new idea. And this idea took all year to form! Please. Keep my secret.

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

“Can you believe it? Hecox raised the price for papes!” Shayne yelled to his best friend, Damien.

“I know! What, is he about to go bankrupt? What about us? We ain’t got no money anyway! Only the coins we get from sellin’ his papes! Now we have to sell 10 more of ‘em just to make the same amount!” Shayne slammed his hand against the brick column in front of the bar.

“Hey! I pay the bills on this place, I ain’t paying the repairman to fix a column you smacked down!” The bartender and owner of the place, Keith, yelled from inside.

“Sorry, Keith!” Shayne yelled. 

“I mean, we’re just a bunch of teenage kids trying to survive,” Damien lamented.

“Hey boys!” Courtney, a tomboy who also is trying to live off of newspaper money, sang as she skipped her way over to her best friends. 

“How can you be so happy? Did you see today’s headline?” Shayne wondered.

“Yeah, I saw it all right. But I sold more papes today!”

“Probably because everyone wanted to know more about our unfortunate situation,” Noah grumbled as he limped into the bar.

“Is your ankle still botherin’ ya, Noah?” Courtney called after him.

“Yeah, it ain’t gonna get better until I get some fresh air. Imma try to sell more papes, so someday I can get a train ticket to somewhere, well, not here.” 

“He’s still crazy,” Courtney whispered once he was out of earshot.

“Yeah, everyone’s tryna come to New York!” Damien agreed.

“C’mon, let’s get some water. It’s all we can afford,” He added when he saw his friends’ shoulders sag.

“You’re right. Let’s go,” Courtney admitted.

----

“So, what’re you tryna save up for, Dames?” Shayne asked.

“Food. Well, maybe a tiny place to live.”

“You know you ain’t gonna find a place to live in New York! Especially not a cheap one,” Court added.

“She’s right. But good dreams! I want to get a mattress. Then I won’t be sleeping on bags of trash and rotten fruit.”

“I think I want to learn how to sing. Then I can sing in the streets for tips, gettin’ me even more than I make sellin’ papes. Then I’ll be able to afford more food for my friends,” she laid her hands on the boy’s shoulders on either side of her, “and we can all save up for a cheap place to live TOGETHER,” she elaborated. The boys nodded in agreement.

“We save up TOGETHER and we live TOGETHER. Sounds good!” Damien complimented. 

“Really? You alls gonna continue sellin’ papes? I’m thinking a good strike’ll shut ‘em down… or at least lower the price again,” Another tomboy newsie, Olivia, disclosed. Damien’s typically a good boy, so he was surprised at the thought of a strike.

“Oh yeah, count me in!” Shayne announced. 

“Totally in,” Courtney agreed. She was good friends with Olivia and was typically a daredevil herself. Damien looked at his friends nervously.

“Okay, I guess I’ll do it.” The three cheered.

“Tomorrow, we’ll block off the Brooklyn bridge. We’ll make the headlines!” Liv shouted, fist in the air.

“So we’ll still be sleeping on trash bags and rotten fruit for a while,” Damien whined.

“Hey, we’re some of the oldest newsies around! We’ve been here longer, we’re tougher, those 9-year-olds who sell enough papes to buy seltzer for all of us with just their cute faces, they’re nothin’. We’ll show them how you live on the streets!” 

“Yeah!” Shayne yelled.

“Boy, shut up! Imma have to kick you out!” Keith ordered.

“Jesus Christ,” Shayne whispered.

----

“C’mon newsies, we gotta job to do! We’re gonna crash some cars! We’re gonna block the bridge! We’re gonna whack people with our signs! We’re gonna lower the price of papes! We’re gonna make tomorrow’s headlines!” Olivia screeched. The newsies cheered. 

“Let’s go!” Noah commanded.

“To the bridge!” Everyone repeated Olivia and swarmed to the bridge. They blocked it off and got yelled at. People honked horns and tried to drive anyway, to which the newsies just jumped on the hood of their automobiles. People called the cops. A bunch of newsies got beat up, by people and cops, but peaceful Damien was the unluckiest of all. The cops grabbed him, and they took him to prison.

“DAMIEN!” Courtney screamed as she pushed through the crowd to get him. His hand was limp and he couldn’t move it. His arm was outstretched, and she barely missed it before he disappeared. “NO!” Shayne grabbed her and pulled her back. She fought, but it was no use. “Shayne, we have to stop the strike! We can’t let the kids be treated the way Damien was!”

“How will quitting do Damien any good?” Courtney stuttered for a moment. “Exactly. You and I will rescue him as soon as possible! We’ve got to do this for the kids who can’t afford sh*t!” Courtney gritted her teeth and continued to fight for the newsies with more enthusiasm than before.

----

The strike had been going a week when Courtney finally convinced Shayne that it was time to rescue. People weren’t using the bridge if they could help it, and nobody really showed up but the newsies who stayed there night and day. The newsies had made the headlines several days. “Newsies on strike!”, “Brooklyn Bridge blocked off!”, and “Newsies fight hard, some jailed!” were some of them. The strike had kind of died down. They snuck out in the early morning when the sun was just rising and Olivia, Noah, and the others were still asleep. They snuck to the old brick building near the edge of town. They tried the unguarded back door. Locked. Shayne ran back to the forest, leaving scared Courtney to hide in the shadows. When he returned, he held 2 thick branches. He smiled mischievously. Courtney gasped silently and nodded, excitement coursing through her veins. She grabbed 1 of the sticks and they snuck up and whacked the guards at the front in the back of the head. The toppled over and Shayne had to search for a bit to find any keys. Unfortunately, they weren’t the right ones. Meanwhile, Courtney was inside the building with Damien. Other criminals tried to get her attention, tried to get her to bust them out as well, but she ignored them. Damien gripped the bars and Courtney laid her hands on his.

“Damien, Shayne an’ I’s gonna get ya outta here, okay? We just gotta find the right key,” Courtney added quickly.

“Courtney! I was so worried they got you too! I thought they took you to a prison across the city and I’d never see you again!”

“You look horrible!”

“Well, they don’t feed me any more here than I can afford out there.” Courtney nodded in agreement. Shayne ran in.

“I had to knock them out again, they were rolling around and coming back. We’ll have to try these keys anyway,” Shayne gasped, out of breath as he forced each key into the lock. Eventually, Courtney kicked one in so hard that the door swung open. They stared at each other for a moment of silence. “Let’s go!” The three sprinted back to the bridge, leaving the other criminals to shout and scream and bang on the bars. “Those keys’ll be stuck in there for a while,” Shayne laughed, still in shock from the force of Courtney’s kick.

“Wow! That was insane! You scared me, Court!” She giggled and blushed.

“That was nothin’. We gotta get you outta here before the cops come to find you again!” Shayne’s brow furrowed.

“I still don’t understand why they only took some of the newsies. No one was doin’... anythin’ too bad, we just went on strike...and blocked Brooklyn Bridge. Nothin’!”

“Yeah...no sense...almost there?” Courtney panted. Damien laughed with the little air he could get.

“Yeah, I...can see the...candles from here.” Just a bit longer and they were greeted by a frowning Olivia. Damien crouched behind Courtney and Shayne while they got a stern talking from Olivia.

“I may not be the oldest. I may not be the smartest. I may not sell the most papes. But you know what? I started this strike that’s gonna lower the price of ‘em! You know what you 2 are? Just plain ol’ stupid. Why the h*ll would you sneak out in the middle of the night? Especially since you’re newsies! And since the newsies are on strike, it’s especially dangerous! You could get caught and jailed! Plain ol’ stupid!” Courtney and Shayne shared a sly smile. “What?” Liv’s face contorted with shock. “Oh sh*t, are you 2-”

“No!” Courtney yelled, causing Shayne to clap a hand over her mouth. She shot him an apologetic look and he removed his hand. Being a tomboy newsie, she was NEVER going to fall for a boy. She didn’t believe in love, and neither did Olivia. The tomboy newsies just aren’t into that stuff. Court and Shayne nodded at each other, and both stepped aside to reveal Damien, who had fallen asleep with his head on his knees. Olivia raised her eyebrows.

“Mmmm, I see.” Then she slapped them both across the cheek. “What were you thinking? I wake up and you 2 are gone! I cried until Noah woke up, and of course, when he tried to hug me I shoved him away, but seriously! What the h*ll?!” Her yelling caused Damien to squirm in his sleep. Olivia sighed. “I’m just glad you 2 are back and safe.” She turned around to go back to sleep, but spun around quickly, eyes wide with wonder. “How’d you do it?”

----

The next morning, everyone was surprised to see Damien, and Courtney told her kicking story millions of times.

“So Shayne and I knocked out the guards, he stole the keys, and turns out, they were the wrong ones! So I got frustrated and kicked the keys in, and the door opened!” 

“Woah,” Noah breathed. Being the center of attention was fun, but Shayne was kind of quiet while Courtney told her story. Damien snuck away from the crowd. 

“Hey.”

“Hey,” Shayne replied.

“Not used to being the center of attention, huh?” Shayne grinned. His best friend knew him too well.

“Yeah, we didn’t do anything heroic exactly, we just busted you outta jail.”

“I thought it was pretty heroic. You saved me, Shayne.”

“That was just Courtney. I did nothin’. I got a stick. 2 actually,” Damien cut him off with a light slap on the cheek. “Why is everyone hitting me?” Shayne exclaimed. They laughed.

“Because you’re a silly boy, Shayne.” Damien’s face turned from playful to serious. “Wake up. We are heroes, all of us. We’re heroes for the kids who sold the papes and can’t afford ‘em no more. We’re doin’ this for them.” Shayne smiled. He liked how Damien always saw the good in everything. All his newsie friends, they weren’t happy with their lives. They were always looking for a better place, better lives. The search wasn’t over. Oh no, they still had a while to go.

Chapter Text

I opened the door to the Smoffice, and, needless to say, it was loud. Noah and Keith were arguing over something as the younger man waited for the old Keurig to finish making his coffee. Ian was showing Anthony something on his phone and they were laughing so hard, their faces were red and Anthony was close to tears. Shayne was laying on the couch, probably asleep or close to it, and Courtney had a plastic cup of water. She stopped talking to Olivia, who had her back to me, and smiled mischievously. Courtney looked to me and I shook my head frantically. She pouted childishly and Olivia turned around. 

“Hey, welcome-”

“To h*ll!” Keith finished for her. Noah ran his fingers through his hair and walked away as he blew on his coffee. 

“Hey, you didn’t get me anything?” Joe asked as he walked in. Everyone’s eyes went to the paper bag in my hand.

“Do you guys really want a Target bagel?” Everyone sighed or groaned, one of the two.

“You never get anything good!” Noah complained as he came over to give me a hug.

“Aw, baby, did you want a donut?” Out of my peripheral vision, I saw Anthony roll his eyes. Noah shook his head.

“Keith was bullying me! He said-” I didn’t let him finish. I ran over and grabbed him by the collar. He feigned terror.

“You stay away from my son! Okay?!” He nodded. I walked back to ‘my son’. “It’s all okay now, mommy got it settled.” We broke character and the whole office laughed. 

“You guys are stupid!” Shayne exclaimed, He removed his hands from behind his head and sat up. I went back into my character.

“Son, meet your father.” Noah frowned at him, but we couldn’t suppress our giggles. Shayne’s were by far the loudest. “How is your laugh so high-pitched?” We only laughed harder. “Okay, what’s today’s game plan?” Joe came back into the room as if on cue.

“Okay guys, we need the squad for whatever bullsh*t we’re shooting today, Games is doing somethin’ else I don’t care about. Get your a*ses to where you’re supposed to be!” Goofy pissed Joe is better than pissed Joe. It’s fact.

“Am I in it?” Shayne whined. “I don’t wanna get up!” Joe looked down at his clipboard and sighed.

“Ian, you’re taking his place.” He silently cheered and walked back with Courtney, Anthony, and Joe. Olivia, Noah, and Keith were already back there and the Games guys were in their office doing other sh*t.

“Hey,” Shayne murmured. He stood and walked over. His arm wrapped around my waist.

“I thought you didn’t want to get up,” I teased. He chuckled.

“Not for that.” I closed my eyes and felt a chaste kiss. When I opened them again, his electric blue eyes were practically shooting laser beams through me. “Did you really get a Target bagel?” I held up the bag. It did have the Target logo, but I’d gotten good at hiding things. I pulled out two Starbucks cake pops.

“The drinks are in my car.” We entwined arms and took a bite of our treats. Luckily, the chocolate on the outside that fell ended up on his arm and I was able to pick up and eat the pieces before Shayne could. He walked with me to my old vehicle. It was familiar to him, he probably knows it as well as his own. I handed him his drink and he beamed.

“My favorite.”

“Of course. I have it memorized.” I grabbed my pumpkin spice latte and sipped. He raised an eyebrow and shut the car door for me.

“Don’t let Courtney or Olivia see that. They will kill for it.”

“Mari too. Y’know what? Girls in general. I’ll hide it from all the other girls. And while I’m at it, I’ll hide you too. Some girls would kill for you as willingly as they’d do for a pumpkin spice latte.” He blushed and grabbed my hand, twirling me. “Screw Defy, no one cares about co-worker relationships.” He grabbed the door for me and after entering, he laid on the couch again. I frowned. “There’s no room for me.” He chuckled.

“You know.” Indeed I did. I put our drinks in the Target bag and in the tiny refrigerator and laid on him, my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat, slightly faster than normal.

“Nervous?”

“Only around you.” I felt a kiss on my forehead and squeezed his torso. “Don’t make me throw up the cake pop.” I giggled and squeezed harder. He make choking noises, causing e to laugh louder. “Babe no!” He frantically pleaded.

“You’re a good actor.”

“I try.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I do. I get really nervous around you. That’s how special you are. I have to pretend I’m fine when I’m exploding.” I cocked my head to see him. His cheeks were definitely pink. I placed a soft kiss on the side of his neck. “That’s my fuse.” I made an explosion noise and gesture. “Exactly.” Exactly.

Chapter Text

I casually walk in to the Smoffice and see everyone except for one specific person who is NEVER late.

“Have you seen Shayne yet?” Olivia smirked, her voice hinting that something was going to go down. I groaned and my head fell into my hands (not literally you dumb*ss). 

“What is it?” I hear a familiar scream coming from a room in the back. But it wasn’t as high-pitched as usual. That only happens on rare occaisions… 

“I think you know,” Keith grunted as he passed. Noah rolled his eyes in agreement. Great. This is f***cking great.

“I AM…” Sh*t. “COURTNEY…” Sh*t. “MOTHER F***ING…” Sh*t. “MILLER!” Shayne burst from the hallway sporting the wig and a new orange hoodie with the iconic hairdo’s silhouette on the front in black.

“How come I wasn’t aware of this?” I ask, eyeing the faker irritatedly.

“Oh, you know…” Ian mumbled as he followed the impostor.

“YOU.”

“Okay, fake Courtney, let’s just be civil, normal human being-”

“NORMAL DOES NOT EXIST. THERE IS ONLY COURTNEY FREAKIN’ MILLER AND LITTLE SH*TS.” I sighed. There really is no getting out of this.

“So which category do I fit into?” He eyed me creepily. F***ing make your decision, you f***ing creep me out, dude!

“EXCEPTIONAL.” Damien entered the room, saw the scene, shot me a knowing look, and promptly left.

“Damien, no, I need your help!” I call out after him. Shayne spun around stiffly, but Damien was out of sight. The back of the sweatshirt says, ‘property of C.F.M.’.He turned back to me.

“Courtney…s?” Ian confusedly got our attention. We both looked to him. “We need you guys to model the new merch… so… not blonde Courtney, will you wear it?” He held a sweatshirt to me.

“Can I keep it?” He sighed and shrugged.

“I don’t really give a f*ck anymore, sure, why the h*ll not? Meet me by the dumpster wizard’s house ASAP.” It’s funny how Shayne’s characters become a part of our daily lives. Sure, we could just call it the dumpster or the brick wall, but that’s no fun. Ian walked away lazily, sipping his coffee and looking at something on his phone. 

“Noice sweatshirt, impostor.” He didn’t seem to like that. We’ve been over this many times before.

“I AM NO IMPOSTOR! I DIDN’T STEAL NO IDENTITY!” I groan and run my hand over my face. “I STILL HAVE BLONDE HAIR! I AM MY OWN SELF! I BEEN LIKE THIS!” And Boze isn’t here to defend him.

“Yeah, whatever.” I put on the sweatshirt. Why do we make so many of them, we live in L.A., right in the middle of sunny Callifornia. It’s f***ing hot here! But the air conditioned building feels nice with the warm jail suit-themed sweatshirt. “Looks nice.” He just stared.

“BASIC…” Damien came back and put his hand over Shayne’s head, ready to pull the wig right off. I nodded. He grabbed the wig and Shayne fell to the ground. He shook his head and moaned as he stiffly stood up.

“Did it hurt?” I teased. He grimaced.

“Yeah, what the actual f*ck just happened?” Damien beamed mischievously and tapped Shayne’s shoulder, holding up the wig. “Sh*t.”

“Yeah, ‘cause look what we have to model out at the dumpster wizard’s house!” I gestured to the bright orange article of clothing. He sighed.

“Do I have to go back into Courtney Freakin’ Miller?” he whined.

“Yeah, ASAP from what I heard,” Damien added. He helped Shayne put on the wig.

“I’M BACK!”

“Yeah, come on, dumb*ss, we gotta go be the best models the internet has ever seen!”

“I’M ALWAYS ON MY PERIOD!”

Chapter Text

I can’t help but stare. Even though I can only see his back, partially covered by the soft blankets. It’s perfect nonetheless. He rolls over slowly. 

“Hewwo,” he squeaks, his voice high-pitched as he stretches. I giggle.

“You are such a child in the morning.” Without answering, he scoots closer and buries his face in my neck, pressed against my body. We close our eyes and just bask in each other’s presence.

“I wuv you,” he whispers, planting a kiss to my collarbone. Even after all these years, it still brings blush to my cheeks.

“I wuv you too.” He looks up at me innocently with his ocean blue eyes. 

“Weally?”

“Really,” I repeat, laying my cheek on his sandy blonde hair. After a few more minutes of typical morning cuddles, I try to get up.

“Let’s go make pancakes.” He whimpers and pulls me by the hips, causing me to fall not-so-gracefully on the bed.

“S-sowwy!” He whines. I get up, unphased.

“C’mon, pancakes!” This time, it’s my hands he grabs. He slowly and softly pulls me toward him.

“Five more minutes,” he begs, no longer using his (effective) guilting child voice. I give him a knowing look. “Ten more minutes.” That’s more like it. I crawl back in our warm bed and pull the covers over my cold legs. Not a minute after, we hear familiar footsteps and the door bangs open. Two little blonde, blue-eyed kids jump up onto the bed. 

“Daddy, guess what day it is?” He sits up.

“What day is it, Elliot?” He hops over and cuddles his father tightly. I beckon for Lorraine to come closer. She also sits in between Shayne and me.

“Today is Uncle Dami’s birthday!”

“Wow, is it?” I ask. Lorraine nods enthusiastically.

“We need to get ready!” She starts to get up, but I grab her arm. I pull her back and hug her tightly, not wanting to let go. Ever.

“Five more minutes.” She gives me a knowing look. “Ten more minutes.” And we all collapse into our bed, wondering what we did to deserve this.

Chapter Text

“Shayne, I, um, I think…”  Damien trailed off. Shayne looked up at his best friend with concern.

“You can tell me anything, Dames.” The brunette grinned and sighed. 

“Shayne Robert Topp,” the blonde smiled, “I think I love  you.” Shayne suddenly struggled to breathe.

“Um, I…” Damien’s face fell. “Can I have some time to think?” A smile somehow found its way to Damien’s face.

“Of course. don't feel like you have to say or do anything.”

“Thanks, man.”

“Anytime.” Less than 10 minutes later, Shayne was in the meeting room, pouring out his heart and soul to Wes.

“ I mean, did he know that I love Courtney? I really care about him, I care about him a lot, and yeah, I'm open to dating him and all, but I don't feel the same way about him that I do for Courtney. I'm going to still ask her out like I was, but if she says yes, I may look into polyamory.”

“That’s great, Shayne. I think you're doing the right thing, and even if it doesn't work out between you two, you can still be friends. same with Courtney.” Shayne smile at the sweet, childish, giant man sitting next to him.

“Thanks, Wes. This really helped.”

“No problem.” Shayne got up and left the meeting room and Wes followed until he turned toward the Smosh Games office. Shayne went to the squad office and was disappointed to see Keith, Noah, Olivia, and Courtney chatting. Without being seen, he turned around, shutting the door behind him. He was met face-to-face with Boze, electricity bouncing on her fingertips.

“ I can make him love you less…”

Chapter Text

“Hey Shayne, how’s your dating life? Or lack thereof.”

“Damien, I get out there more than you do! Admit it, I’m at least better than you are at this stuff.”

“I won’t deny it, I suck at girls.”

“What?!”

“That came out wrong.”

“You think?!”

“I suck at dating. Girls. Or just dating in general. H*ll, I can’t even be romantic!”

“Oh come on, you’ve flirted with me before, and it wasn’t half bad!”

“When do I flirt with you?”

“Every f***ing day, Dami!”

“Well, I haven’t noticed. Or maybe you think compliments are flirting.”

“I do not! Sometimes I think flirting is a compliment! Remember when I told the story of me and Olivia when a girl complimented my outfit?”

“Yes Shayne…”

“And like, when she walked away, Olivia came up to me like ‘she wants to f*ck you’! I’m very sure she was just complimenting me, but was I being oblivious?”

“God, no, Shayne, always assume it’s a compliment. Besides, how would I know? I didn’t see her body language or hear her tone.”

“You’re right. So, have you been on any dates recently?”

“F*ck you.”

“No really, how’s your dating life? Nonexistent?”

“Well, I’ve been on a few dates.”

“Oh my f***ing God, Damien has gotten back into the dating game!”

“Shut up! I only went on a few dates with some ladies in the area and a guy I met at the gym.”

“So… you’re-”

“Bi.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah…”

“Is there anyone you have your eyes on?”

“One person…”

“What gender are they?”

“Actually, it’s a guy. My first male crush, the one who like, gave me my sexual awakening. I’ve liked him forever. I just wish he’d notice.”

“Do you flirt with him?”

“Daily.”

“Tell me.”

“Now, why would I do that?”

“Damien Christian Haas, you are very stubborn, but as your best friend, I deserve to know about your silly crushes and dates.”

“It’s not silly! I really love him.”

“Who?”

“Shayne…”

“Tell me!”

“You- I mean… sh*t.”

“Haha! I knew it!”

“You aren’t upset?”

“Why the h*ll would I be upset with you for liking me? God d*mnit Damien, I’ve been waiting to hear those words for such a f***ing long time, I thought it’d never happen.”

“So you-”

“Kiss me.”

“I- alright, fine.”

Chapter Text

“C’mon man, you just gotta do it!” Keith tried to convince Shayne. 

“Swallow your pride and ask her out! She’d never let your friendship go awkward, if she rejects you, you’ll just have to get over it and move on,” Noah added. Shayne sighed.

“F*ck it, why not?” The other men grinned. “Yeah, I guess I’ll do it.”

“We’ll stand outside the lobby in case you need us.”

“And so we can hear her say yes!” Keith hissed excitedly. Shayne shook his head in defeat.

“How did I let you guys talk me into this?” Shayne was actually being quite optimistic. He actually couldn't see (Y/N) rejecting him or gushing over anyone else. The others silently followed him. He could hear her voice as well as Courtney and Olivia’s on the other side of the wall.

“He’s sweet, cute, and just a big cuddler. It's not exactly what you’d think, but it's there,” (Y/N) swooned. Noah winked at Shayne and the blonde started to walk in. However, Courtney and Olivia's responses caused him to stop dead in his tracks.

“Yeah, Wes is such a child!”

“So, tell me about your date with him. Tonight, right?’ Shayne’s eyes filled with tears and his body felt heavy as he stepped away from the door.

“Dude, I'm so sorry,” Keith murmured. Shayne shook his head and quickly made his way to nowhere in particular, just as far from (Y/N) as possible.

“It's all over, isn't it?” He cried like a madman. “Everything's just crumbling down. It's all over.” Over.

Chapter Text

It had been a while. 

No… more than a while. Shayne had unexpectedly passed over a year ago, and it still haunted Damien. Still. 

His weekly therapy lunches with Courtney were hardly any help. She listened and gave him positive feedback and helped him through the week until she saw him again, but he was still empty. Still.

Every time he saw a pair of bright blue eyes, Shayne’s face flashed in his mind. Every time he saw a blonde head in a sea of brunettes, Shayne’s face flashed in his mind. Every time he heard a high-pitched, contagious laugh, Shayne’s face flashed in his mind. It was still burned in his memory. Still.

Every reunion with So Random! Was awkward. No one wanted to bring up the missing boy who laughed at his own jokes. The missing boy who made everyone happy. The missing boy who could do the stupidest things that had people falling out of their chairs. Things got a little quieter when Damien showed up to the reunions. The wounds still hadn’t healed. Still.

“Damien.” His chocolate-brown eyes made contact with the lake-green eyes in front of him.

“Sorry.”

“You have bags under your eyes.”

“They’re there every week.”

“Do you get any sleep?” He stared into the distance, counting all the blonde men he saw walking throughout L.A. “Damien?”

“I know it sounds stupid… 

“But every night, before I go to sleep, I kneel by the side of my bed.

“And I’ve never been a religious man, but… 

“I pray to the man up there to give me back Shayne.

“To let me wake up next to him one last time.” Damien chuckled lightly at Courtney’s concerned expression. “It’s stupid, I know.

“Because I still wake up, every morning, alone.” Courtney placed a manicured hand on his, her eyes watery. His were like filled reservoirs, threatening to overflow.

“I’m-”

“I know. I’m sorry I wasn’t there to save him.”

Damien still cried every morning. Damien still cried every night. Damien still cried into his cereal, and he still ate it. Still.

Damien was still living. Damien was still fighting. Damien was still there for the people who needed him, even if the person he needed wasn’t there for him. Still.

Still.

Chapter Text

“You’ve got this, Shayne! Of course, he’ll say yes, it’s f***ing Damien! At this point, he must be internally begging you to say something,” Courtney enthused.

“You’re exaggerating.” She rolled her eyes.

“Maybe. But even if I am, you have no reason to be nervous. We’re talking Damien Haas, your soulmate. Since when would he not want to marry you? If you don’t ask today, I’ll tell him about the proposal.” Shayne’s face blanched. “And obviously you don’t want that! Look, Shayne, you may not realize it, but you’re kinda poetic.”

“I am?”

“Yeah, so come up with something poetic, witty, cheesy, anything. And no matter what, you and I both know what his answer will be.”

“Who are we talking about?” Olivia entered the lobby with a pumpkin-spice latte from Starbucks. Courtney looked to Shayne and he shrugged. 

“Why not?”

“Shayne’s going to propose.” Olivia’s face lit up. 

“Oh my God! Can I help plan the wedding?” She excitedly requested as she set down her stuff and sat practically on Courtney’s lap. Shayne ran his fingers through his hair.

“I haven’t even proposed yet! Who knows, maybe he isn’t ready.” Courtney groaned. It would take a while of convincing to get this dumb*ss to do it.

----

Monica sat in her chair, helping Ryan Finnerty finish editing the latest sketch. She didn’t look up, but over her music, she heard someone mumble. She only caught the words ‘proposal’ and ‘today’. Who? She wondered. There were only a few unmarried couples: Olivia and Sam, Shayne and Damien, and that rando Tommey hooked up with once and was still in contact with. Were they even a couple? It was too early for Rando x Tommey, but Olivia x Sam seemed very realistic. But, wouldn’t Sam propose? Olivia didn’t seem like the type to do the job. Not that gender matters in those situations, it really depends on preference. And maybe Sam was surprising Olivia, showing up with a ring in his pocket and a huge grin on his face. Wait, SHAYMIEN! She remembered. It had to be Shayne x Damien, if not, Monica was going to riot. Those lovebirds needed to get married, get a house together, get some kiddos, and get older. They were just that kind of couple.

“Hey, Ryan, have you heard any news about Smosh couples?” He looked up.

“I heard about a Shayne proposal?” Great. I await the results.  

----

“F*ck,” Matt exhaled. Lasercorn gave him a quizzical look which he waved off. “I’m fine. This is just a great and yet horrible idea. Why did I say we should do this?” Shayne and Damien weren’t in their seats yet, so Raub and Moss were waiting in their seats, prepared to draw the best Europe map of all time.

“I don’t know,” Lasercorn murmured, not paying attention. Mat leaned over to see his screen.

“Jesus Christ, Lasercorn. What’s with the sexy Pokémon?” 

“Why not?” Matt just groaned and shook his head. This is going to be a VERY long shoot. Damien slipped into the dark room.

“Is it just me or is Shayne acting weird today? Well actually, I wouldn’t know, I haven’t seen him all day, but like, what’s up with him?” Lasercorn shot Matt a look of surprise. ‘What?’ the younger of the two mouthed. Lasercorn shook his head as if he were clearing his thoughts.

“I didn’t notice Shayne being weird at all. You should know, you’re his boyfriend.”

“And you may want to find him, we’re starting soon.” Damien threw a sweatshirt that Matt recognized as Shayne’s onto his chair before leaving silently. The two men turned back to each other. “So what were you trying to convey to me?”

“Shayne’s planning to propose today!”

“Sh*t. Where is he? I know he’s at work!”

“He’s probably nervous, I know Courtney had to give him a pep talk earlier.”

“Who was Courtney giving pep talks to? Because I could really use one!” Shayne exclaimed as he set down his water and sat in his chair.

“You, dumb*ss!” Lasecorn revealed.

“Oh. Where’s Damien? Is he here today?” Shayne added frantically.

“Chill, he’s here! We just sent him to find you,” Matt assured him. “Damien!” He yelled. A little less than a minute later, the brunette entered the room. His face lit up when he saw Shayne. They both grinned and Damien walked over to kiss the blonde’s cheek.

“Hey, where have you been?”

“Oh, you know, getting encouraged by Courtney, lots of coffee, preparing to make the best Europe map ever.”

“If you ever need encouragement, you can find me too.”

“I know, babe.”

“Okay, time to get started!” Matt announced. When will those idiots just stahp? It was bad enough when they were just friends, annoying each other and us in the process, but now… wow, we didn’t think it could get much worse. At least the ‘forever singles’ have someone.

----

“So will we be present for the proposal?” Noah asked Keith. He shrugged. 

“It depends on whether we’re in the room at the time. Shayne might just decide to pop the question immediately before a shoot, or immediately after! We really don’t know.”

“I’m excited to see how he does it! You know, like will he do a monologue before saying the iconic words?”

“It’s gonna be something stupid like ‘will you buy me In ‘n’ Out?’ or something.” Noah nodded in agreement.

“Maybe. They’re recording the map of Europe thing, so we’ll have to wait.” 

----

“I’m going to do it,” Shayne whispered in Mari’s ear. She giddily clapped. Then she changed her face to a more serene expression as to not attract attention.

“He’s in the lobby.” She patted his back as he walked in that direction, his hand around the square shape in his pocket. Damien was on his phone. Shayne stood before him, looking down. 

“You steal everything from me.” Damien looked up.

“Uh, excuse me?” He looked like a mixture of worried, sad, and scared.

“ First you stole my heart, then you stole my hoodie - and sometimes my sweater too.” Damien cocked his head in confusion. He was, after all, wearing one of Shayne’s hoodies: the ‘property of C.F.M.’ one, to be exact. Shayne got down on one knee and Damien almost exploded. “And now, I’m hoping that you’d do the same to my last name.” Damien was speechless. He stared at the ring in Shayne’s hands, then his blue eyes, then the ring again.

“Are you f***ing kidding me? D*mn right I will!” Shayne slid the ring on to Damien’s finger and Damien didn’t hesitate to tug Shayne in for a long, passionate kiss. “I love you so much, Shayne. I was really worried when I didn’t see you all morning, and when you started your monologue with ‘you steal everything from me’, I was really f***ing worried you were going to break up with me. But no, you had to make my life a whole lot better!” Courtney, Lasercorn, Matt, Olivia, Noah, Keith, Monica, Ryan, and some others were gathered around the doorway clapping. Courtney and Olivia were wiping at their eyes and Monica seemed really proud of the soon-to-be-married gays.

“Yay! Shaymien! Shaymien! Shaymien!” Lasercorn started chanting, and everyone joined in. The still embracing men blushed and looked into each other’s eyes.

“And it’ll keep getting better and better!” Shayne mumbled. Damien repeated before initiating another kiss.

“Better and better.”

Chapter Text

I sifted through the old family photo albums, taking out each picture and checking the back for dates and references. Mom and Dad aren’t home, they won’t know. I’m going to find my birthday.  

It’s not fair. Everyone else knows their birthday. It isn’t fair. My best friend Damien met his soulmate when one of my friends, Courtney, showed up to his birthday uninvited, thinking it was a mutual friend, Olivia’s house. Turns out she was the only new person he’d met that day, and he asked her out the next day when I set them up. 

My parents were always protective. I never went to parties alone, so I just stopped going. It saved me the embarrassment of knowing my dad was in the corner watching me. I couldn’t see a movie unless my parents had looked it up or seen it, sometimes both. And when I turned 13, whenever that was, I was still limited to PG. 

We celebrate my birthday on a different day every year. But I’m 19 now, going to college soon, and I need to know. I remember the year I turned 18, I met tons of people I’m still in contact with. Tons. All of my friends, I met in 12th grade. My current ones at least. 

I’ve checked every picture. Mom always writes a caption and the date on the back of each picture, but none have given anything away. I’ve checked all the baby pictures.

I was ready to give up. I shoved a photo of my mom holding newborn me back into its pocket, but it wouldn’t go in. I didn’t want to risk ruining the picture, so I slipped my finger into the pocket and felt a slip of old, dry paper. It was rough and an odd, faded blue color. And on the back, the greatest surprise of all: ‘(Y/N)’s birth: January 1st’. I gasped and flipped to the beginning of the book. 

There were lots of pictures, but the most memorable one was the picture with my other best friend, Shayne, who I’d met at around 2 in the morning when Damien dumped water on him at his New Year’s Eve party. Shayne had fallen asleep around 1, and Damien wanted to wake him up. 

We did everything in the book. Putting his hand in the bowl of water, the itchy face whipped-cream prank, then we finally dumped water on him. He was still half asleep somehow, that crazy guy. But I remember he saw me first, hovering over him. His eyes fluttered open and locked with mine. ‘You have beautiful eyes’, he’d told me. I thanked him and he fell back asleep shortly. But the next day, he acted like we’d been friends our whole life.

Wait. I met him on my birthday. The Polaroid picture of us, arms around each other’s shoulders, faces pink from the platonic flirting and compliments… did he know something I didn’t?

I grabbed my cell phone and tapped the call button, punching in his number as I shut the photo album and put it precisely where I found it. He picked up almost immediately.

“Hey, beautiful.” The teasing didn’t seem as friendly and chill as it once was. I inhaled. “Are you going to say something or leave me hanging?”

“I found out when my birthday is.” All of my friends knew I didn’t know it, and they fully supported me in doing whatever it took to find out. They knew how ridiculously protective Mom and Dad were. I could tell he was excited.

“Who all knows?”

“You’re the first I’e called.”

“I thought Dames is your best friend.”

“You know you’re my other best friend!”

“So, when’s the date?” I could hear his smile.

“Um, I’m just going to come out and say it since I don’t know how to make it less… sudden.” I leaned back onto my bed as soon as I sat down. “January 1st.” I heard his air intake.

“Who’s you meet on January 1st? You were at Damien’s New Year’s party, you probably met a ton of people.”

“Actually, I only met one.” Shayne hummed, signaling me to continue. “Damien and I dumped water on him and when he woke up, he said I have beautiful eyes.”

“Rumor has it he still thinks that.” We giggled and I blushed, and I assumed he was as well.

“So where do we go from here?”

“Maybe a date?”

“I’d like that.”

“Of course you would.”

“Shut up.”

Chapter Text

It hurts. 

It hurts to see him like this, to see what he’s become.

To see what happened to him without Shayne.

We walk silently, peacefully coexisting, wandering the cold NY streets together. I look up at him. There’s a cigarette in his mouth that wasn’t there 5 minutes ago.

I should pay more attention to his habits.

They’ve gotten old, fallen out of touch, gotten on with life… at least Shayne had.

Damien’s still got no one.

Nothing but his tiny apartment, his under-paying McDonald’s job, his drug money, his awful food, and his old age.

Shayne’s got his wife, his infant son, his nice house, his good food, his successful acting career… the stuff Damien deserves.

Everything is blue.

His pills, his hands, his jeans.

Everything is gray.

His hair, his smoke, his dreams.

He’s so devoid of color he doesn’t know what it means.

He’s blue.

He needs Shayne.

He needs joy.

I guess it’s up to me now.

“Your little brother never tells you but he loves you so.” 

He doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t show any signs that he heard me.

“You said your mother only smiled on her TV show.” 

He blinks, and I can tell he’s fighting tears.

“I hope you make it to the day you're twenty-eight years old.” 

He gives up. A tear slips down his cheek. 

He forces the cigarette into the receptacle harshly and keeps walking. I have to jog for a moment to keep up with him.

“You're dripping like a saturated sunrise.

“You're spilling like an overflowing sink.

“You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece, and now I’m tearing through the pages and the ink.”

He sniffs and closes his eyes. 

Somehow, he doesn’t run into anything.

When he opens them again, I can tell. 

I’ve affected him.

Let’s make sure it’s for the better.

“You were a vision in the morning when the light came through. 

“I know I've only felt religion when I’ve lied with you. 

“You said you'll never be forgiven ‘til your boys are too, and I'm still waking every morning but it's not with you.”

He looks down and swallows.

His eyes close again, but only momentarily.

We take a seat on a bench, side by side.

“But it can be.”

He looks at me.

His expression is full of longing, passion, fear, sadness…

Perhaps a flash of anger for a millisecond.

But it doesn’t last.

The fear, sadness, longing, it all disappears.

And it’s replaced with hope.

Hope, love, gratitude…

And still, passion.

I don’t refuse when his arm wraps around my neck.

Or when his other hand turns my face toward his.

I don’t pull back when our foreheads meet, or when his nose nuzzles mine.

His breath is like an ashtray.

But it won’t be.

Not for long.

I’m fixing Shayne’s mistakes.

Maybe I’ll make some of my own.

But Damien won’t be left alone with his pills, cigarettes, and emotions.

“I, Courtney Miller, love you, and won’t desert you.

“You’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece, and I’m tearing through the pages and the ink.”