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2019-08-10
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With You, Wei Ying

Summary:

He had reconciled himself to never hear his name said like that again. He had. He had… and yet… “Wei Ying.”

Notes:

Spoilers for episode 50 of CQL/The Untamed. Story starts at the final scene, so don’t read if you don’t want to know how the series ends. While mainly set in the TV drama-verse and mainly drawing on the characterization there, there are some parts of dialogue that are inspired by the novel. I guess you can call it a bit of a mash-up.

Work Text:

With You, Wei Ying
by misscam

II

“Wei Ying.”

He had, Wei Ying thinks dizzily, resigned himself to only hearing his name said like that again in memories and recollections and perhaps the odd dream. Or perhaps resigned is slightly the wrong word – reconciled himself to, learning to live with another loss as he learned to live with all the others. Reconciled. Yes. He held no ill will towards Lan Zhan for walking another path, after all. Lan Zhan had already done far more for him than he could ever have imagined, and every memory was a treasure to carry on the road. Even the painful memories between them he was content to carry, as they were a part of the whole, and the whole was Wei Ying and Lan Zhan and…. Just Wei Ying and Lan Zhan.

He breathes and breathes again, his heart pounding in his chest. He knows he hasn’t heard it wrong. He knows he hasn’t imagined it. His body is responding far too fiercely for it to simply be a memory. Even so, it is hard to believe, to trust, to hope. He had reconciled himself to never hear his name said like that again. He had. He had… and yet…

Lan Zhan, he thinks, smiling ever so faintly at even thinking the name. It is strange to think that the sound of a name can hold so much emotion, a whole heart of it, but here he is.

He breathes again as he turns around and… Stares, hardly daring to blink. Lan Zhan, he thinks again, but he cannot speak, can only stare, drinking in the sight. It is Lan Zhan, clad in the whitest of white and so very bright where he stands, as if he not only catches the sun, but manages to hold it too. It is Lan Zhan, eyes soft and meeting his gaze steadily, not saying anything but speaking so very loudly it makes Wei Ying’s breath catch.

Lan Zhan isn’t here to check up on him. Lan Zhan isn’t here for a brief visit. Lan Zhan isn’t here to give him news or pass on a message. No, Lan Zhan is here, here, here to walk with him, and the relief… The relief is so strong Wei Ying thinks he might burst from it. He had reconciled himself. He had. Honestly. He had. Yet… Yet Wei Ying without Lan Zhan was no longer a whole, and loneliness became much harder to carry when knowing how it felt not to be.

He can feel himself smiling, grinning, and he imagines the relief must be visible on his face, as Lan Zhan’s expression softens even more, clearly touched by it. That too, is telling, and Wei Ying isn’t even sure how he is still standing. Lan Zhan is here. Lan Zhan is really, really here.

He should say something, he thinks. He should definitely say something. He is Wei Wuxian, whose problem has always been too much talk rather than a lack of words. He should definitely say something. He just doesn’t know where to start, as no words seem even close to being able to express what he wants to say. To find suitable words, he may have to invent a new language in doing so, but when has an unorthodox solution ever held him back?

“Lan Zhan,” he finally settles on. It will have to do for now, and Lan Zhan seems to understand the sentiment, giving the slightest inclination of his head. “Lan Zhan…”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says again, and Wei Ying can’t help the joyful laugh. Lan Zhan arches a slight eyebrow at that, but fondly, never lowering his gaze or looking away as Wei Ying takes a steadying breath, and another. He still feels lighthearted, and steadying breaths don’t seem to do much, so he simply gives up on feeling grounded and practically skips the few steps down to Lan Zhan, pausing right in front of him.

Being so near Lan Zhan again feels strangely warming, and he wonders if his skin is actually flushed. It’s almost as if he’s drunk, and yet he hasn’t touched a drop of alcohol. It is a rather silly thought, to be drunk on a person, but he has never feared being silly, so why stop now?

As always, Lan Zhan’s posture is immaculate – straight back, Bichen in hand, the other hand behind his back, all lines. He could be carved from jade, Wei Ying considers, if not for his expression. His expression cannot be done justice by any material, softer than the finest silk, so Wei Ying will have to settle for carving it into memory instead.

“How did you find me?” he manages to ask after a moment, vaguely remembering how to form words.

“Easy,” Lan Zhan says, as if stating a fact, and Wei Ying feels a surge of fondness at how Lan Zhan can manage to say such things without sounding arrogant. He should protest that he’s easy to find, he knows. He normally would, and at length, but he finds himself unable to. The slight upturn of Lan Zhan’s lips in a faint smile makes his breath catch and all his words vanish.

Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, he thinks, and his heart sings with it.

“Where?” Lan Zhan says after a moment of them simply looking at each other, and Wei Ying blinks. Where what? “Where are we going?”

We. We, Wei Ying thinks, and swallows. The final confirmation of what Lan Zhan has been telling him since he called his name. Lan Zhan and Wei Ying, a ‘we’ again.

“Nowhere,” he says, flinging out his hand to indicate the world. His voice sounds odd, almost choked, and he realizes he is actually fighting tears. “Nowhere and everywhere. I don’t care. Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, you’re here. Here.”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan says.

The familiarity of that noise, that very Hanguang Jun way of saying yes, is what becomes too much, and Wei Ying feels one tear fall, then another, both warm as they run down his cheeks. He bites his lip, trying to hold the rest in, willing himself to…

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says, saying his name like a caress, which helps nothing, nor does the sudden warmth of a hand on his wrist. He tries to remember to breathe, but it sounds ragged, and Lan Zhan is looking downright worried now.

He should say something, Wei Ying knows, to reassure Lan Zhan, but he just can’t think of what. He’s speechless again. What words can explain the maelstrom of emotions currently flooding him? He is pretty sure there are none, nothing he can say to express what Lan Zhan returning means to him. He can only meet Lan Zhan’s gaze, blinking away tears and trying for a smile.

Lan Zhan frowns at him, hand moving up his arm to his shoulder so gently. He steps closer. “Wei Ying.”

He has to stop saying ‘Wei Ying’ like that, Wei Ying thinks dizzily. It’s too much after not hearing it for so long. It’s too much. Lan Zhan really has to…

“Wei Yi…” Lan Zhan begins, and Wei Ying kisses him. Just for a moment before his brain catches up with him – just for a moment, he feels cool lips part in surprise against his, so wonderfully soft; just for a moment he delights in the fact that he’s kissing Lan Zhan, Lan Wangji, Hanguang Jun, actually kissing him; just for a moment he feels Lan Zhan’s breath mingle with his; just for a moment he gives in to what he realizes he must have wanted to do for a long, long time.

Just for a moment, then what he is actually doing registers. He is kissing Lan Zhan, actually kissing Hanguang Jun, kissing as if he has no shame, kissing Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan.

He stumbles backwards, lowering his head, feeling his cheeks flush with shame and his heart pound with fear. Lan Zhan just returned to him. Now, he might make him leave for good, might cause the one who stood by his side through so much to turn away in disgust. Just because he has missed Lan Zhan so much his heart has ached every beat with it, just because Lan Zhan says ‘Wei Ying’ in a way no one else does, just because Lan Zhan cares for him and considers him a friend, he can’t afford to lose his head and thus lose his heart, lose Lan Zhan.

“Sorry,” he manages to whisper. He fights the words out, knowing that if he doesn’t, he may lose Lan Zhan. It is hard to sound genuinely sorry when he already aches with the desire to kiss Lan Zhan again. “I’m sorry. Lan Zhan. I didn’t mean to… I mean I meant to, I just… I… I’m sorry.”

Lan Zhan exhales. Wei Ying waits, his heart and head pounding. He half dreads what Lan Zhan will say, half hopes he hasn’t screwed it all up. Maybe Lan Zhan will be willing to forget it ever happened. Maybe... Maybe…

“Why sorry?” Lan Zhan says, and Wei Ying looks up sharply, his breath catching. Lan Zhan is looking at him, eyes soft and filled with longing, lips parted, a faint tint of flush on his cheeks. There is no rejection on his face, none at all. There is only welcome and want. “Wei Ying. Why sorry?”

This time, Wei Ying has plenty he wants to say. He’s just unable to as Lan Zhan leans forward and kisses him, and kisses him, and doesn’t stop kissing him for a long, long time.

II

There is such a thing as being kissed breathless, Wei Ying knows from reading the kind of books that would outrage Lan Zhan (at least of back then. Perhaps now he will be less outraged and more inspired?) There is also such a thing as being kissed wordless and timeless, he discovers, Lan Zhan managing both with such ease Wei Ying can only admire such skill. At least he has managed to kiss Lan Zhan back to the point of blushing, which he considers an equal accomplishment.

Thus, when they finally pull apart slightly, but still holding each other, Wei Ying has no idea how long they’ve been at it. The sun has moved and Lil’ Apple has moved further away to eat grass elsewhere, indicating it must have been a substantial amount of time. He also has no idea who pressed whom into the grass either, but he is sure that Lan Zhan with strands of grass in his hair, robes unkempt and lips flushed from kisses is going to be one of his most treasured memories. He is equally sure there are many more memories to make with Lan Zhan, and the thought that he’ll have time – they’ll have time – makes him feel happier than he can ever remember being. He thinks he might actually burst from it, and half fears to wake from it, like a dream passing.

“Lan Zhan,” he murmurs breathlessly. He is practically in Lan Zhan’s lap, and still he wants to feel even closer, wants every sensation to be just Lan Zhan.

“Mn. I’m here.”

He is here. The wonder of that, that Lan Zhan is here, has left behind privilege and position and Cloud Recesses to be here, to walk with Wei Ying to nowhere in particular, feels too wonderful to be true, like a dream, yet Lan Zhan is here. Here. Here with him.

Lan Zhan and Wei Ying, he thinks, and his heart sings with it.

“Lan Zhan,” he says again, tracing the lines of Lan Zhan’s neck with his thumb, feeling his pulse against his fingertips. It is quickened, as Wei Ying’s is, and Wei Ying thinks he might delight in cataloguing how Lan Zhan responds to kisses, caresses, touches and embraces. He might even write a scandalous book on it – maybe a series of them. They will probably be so scandalous they won’t even be allowed within miles of Gusu, Wei Ying thinks, considering just how many things he’s already thought of concerning Lan Zhan.

“Mn,” Lan Zhan says, watching him through lowered eyelids. It feels wonderfully indecent to be looked at like that, and Wei Ying feels his toes curl and then he is being kissed again, kissed hotly and thoroughly, leaving him to make indecent noises into the kiss.

Distantly, he can hear Lil’Apple bray as if to protest being left alone for so long. Immediately, Lan Zhan breaks the kiss and fixes the donkey with the stern sort of look Wei Ying remembers all too well from his first time at Cloud Recesses. It takes a second, then Lil’ Apple lowers his head with one last whine, then starts grassing again.

Wei Ying can’t help it. He laughs giddily at that, at Lan Zhan staring down a donkey, a donkey, for interrupting their kissing. Rather than giving him a stern look as well, Lan Zhan lowers his head to softly kiss his throat, as if savoring the feel of Wei Ying’s laughter against his lips. How would it feel to hear Lan Zhan laugh like that, Wei Ying wonders, and makes a note to find out one day. Somehow, he will find something to make Lan Zhan laugh. He will.

He has a lifetime to, he thinks, and the thought makes him tighten his hold on Lan Zhan, feeling Lan Zhan’s embrace tighten as well as Lan Zhan continues his slow path of kisses down his throat. Now that he knows what it is like to be held by Lan Zhan, kissed by Lan Zhan, Wei Ying is pretty sure he is going to have serious problems ever stopping – even in public.

How would Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren respond if they ever saw the Yiling Patriarch clinging to Hanguang Jun like this, he wonders, and has to bite his lip to keep from laughing at the image.

“What did your uncle say when you left?” he asks after a moment, curiosity getting the better of him. Lan Zhan lifts his head to look at him, and Wei Ying can immediately tell from Lan Zhan’s face that whatever Lan Qiren had to say, it was not complimentary.

“It matters not,” Lan Zhan says, and Wei Ying remembers all the times he tried to convince himself Jiang Wanyin’s words did not matter when they did. They did matter. There were just other words, other things, that mattered more. To Lan Zhan, what matters more than his uncle’s approval is… is him, Wei Ying, Wei Ying thinks, and his heart aches painfully and happily both.

“Brother understands,” Lan Zhan goes on. He shifts his hand from Wei Ying’s back to reach into his own robes and then holding his hand out to Wei Ying. In his palm, jade glimmers. A pass stone to the Cloud Recesses. “From him. To let you know you’re always welcome.”

Wei Ying takes it and feels the weight of it in his palm, feeling strangely touched. This, he thinks, is more than a welcome. It is understanding and acceptance also. He remembers what Lan Xichen told him that snowy evening in the Cloud Recesses of the stubbornness of Lan Zhan’s heart. He didn’t quite understand the full implication of that then, but he does now. The wonderful stubbornness of Lan Zhan’s heart, Wei Ying thinks, and moves his palm to feel Lan Zhan’s heartbeat against his skin.

“Zewu Jun is gracious. How is he?” he says after a moment, tucking the pass jade away for now.

“Sad,” Lan Zhan says, closing his eyes. His arms tighten around Wei Ying again, holding on, and Wei Ying wonders if he is remembering his own 16 years of loss, or fearing such a loss again. Gently, he leans forward and pecks Lan Zhan’s lips, a wordless reassurance.

“Lan Zhan,” he says, and Lan Zhan opens his eyes, gaze softening as he regards him. Wei Ying still isn’t sure he’s found the right words, but he has at least managed to think of some words he needs to say. Everything else he feels, that he can perhaps tell in kisses and touches and lovemaking, and tell it every day. “Lan Zhan, I want to spend a lifetime night hunting with you, a lifetime doing whatever with you. Just you. It has to be you.”

Lan Zhan nods ever so slightly, eyes bright with just a hint of tears. “Mn.”

“I can’t leave you,” Wei Ying goes on, trying very hard to keep his voice from wobbling. “I don’t want you to leave me. I missed you. I missed you every step, every heartbeat. I didn’t know how much until I saw you again.”

“Wei Ying,” Lan Zhan says, and manages to say so much just by saying his name, Wei Ying thinks. It is rather unfair. How can Lan Zhan manage to say so much just by saying his name and looking at him, and he is struggling to find words? He, Wei Wuxian, Yiling Patriarch?

“I missed how you say my name,” he says, swallowing. “You make my name sing.”

“I speak Wei Ying’s name as it should be said,” Lan Zhan says, and Wei Ying stares at him, wondering if his heart will actually survive Lan Zhan like this.

“Lan Zhan,” he says helplessly. He wants to cry, laugh, grin stupidly, press Lan Zhan into the grass again, kiss Lan Zhan until the faint flush is not only on his cheeks, all things at once. “Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan. You can drag me back to Cloud Recesses and I’ll obey all thousands of GusuLan rules just to be with you.”

“Mn,” Lan Zhan says, sounding slightly amused though his eyes are soft, so soft Wei Ying is convinced he could rest in them forever.

“I would try to obey,” Wei Ying amends. “I mean it. I like you. I like you so much my heart hurts when I’m not with you. I love you. You don’t have to follow me around. I swear it doesn’t matter where I am as long as I am with you. We can go wherever you want, Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan, ah, Lan Zhan.”

Lan Zhan closes his eyes, and his face is so serene it is mesmerizing. Wei Ying can feel Lan Zhan’s heart quicken under his palm as well. Has Lan Zhan longed to hear words like that, hear his name spoken like that, he wonders, and his heart aches thinking about it. Maybe one day he can get Lan Zhan to tell him. Maybe…. Maybe how Wei Ying says Lan Zhan’s name is just as dear to Lan Zhan?

“Lan Zhan,” he says again, and Lan Zhan’s eyelids flutter, and oh. Oh.

Yes.

“We will visit Cloud Recesses when we want,” Lan Zhan says, opening his eyes again and looking at Wei Ying knowingly. Perhaps he has realized that Wei Ying would not be truly happy permanently living in Cloud Recesses, even if he loves Lan Zhan enough to try. Perhaps Lan Zhan has always known that. “Visit only.”

“Lan Zhan,” Wei Ying whispers again, swallowing a lump in his throat. “Where do you want to go then?”

“With you,” Lan Zhan says simply, saying so very much with it. “With you, Wei Ying.”

He will, Wei Ying thinks dizzily as he leans forward and kisses Lan Zhan firmly and lovingly, so very lovingly, never tire of hearing his name said like that, even if he gets a lifetime of it.

(He will.)

FIN