Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Freedom
I'm taking it back
I'm outta here
No turning back"
- Sing Street

*

From: James Potter ([email protected])

To: Sirius Black ([email protected]), Remus Lupin ([email protected]), Peter Pettigrew ([email protected])

Date: Thursday 20th June 2019, 7:22 p.m.

Subject: petition for the expulsion of jackedripper666 from the marauders alliance

====================

hi mates,

it is i, james lancelot potter, your fearless leader and devoted friend. please do not all faint at once.

further to our conversation of saturday 15th june 2019, vis-a-vis jackedripper666, otherwise known as charles, i formally extend my reasoning as to why we need to expel him from the party asap.

• he keeps asking us how we all feel about our credit scores
• subscribed his ex girlfriend to the kkk newsletter because she looked at him funny in asda living
• he prefers the friends spinoff show joey to friends
• i'm sick of him following every mission up with long winded criticisms that somehow exclude him every time
• ditto his stupid feedback emails
• i'm sick of him signing off his stupid feedback emails with "kindest regards, charles barnabas fernsby"
• i doubt that's even his real name
• i legitimately thought that clint foxworthy was a real person for an entire month when he announced his death
• and would like to take this moment to remind you all that clint foxworthy was a HOUSEPLANT he stopped watering to "teach it some manners"
• is nobody else freaked out by the story of how he consumed an alarmingly large bag of cocaine and that's apparently how he "got into cycling in a big way"???
• thinks strawberry jam is "condescending"???
• his life's ambition is to purchase a bowling alley and allow entrance only to people who take the sport seriously — no parties or families, no side bars, no tattooed patrons (sirius, are you not offended??)
• "as i watched my cat relax, i wondered how it might feel to be responsible" this line alone should have been expulsion-worthy in itself imo
• am sick of him calling me jim bob

if we can all (sirius) just agree (sirius) to expel him from the party i truly believe that it would be conducive to a more positive gaming experience in the sense that we can all stop worrying that he'll turn up at our homes with one of his many katanas and wear our intestines as fetching winter scarves.

i eagerly await your agreement.

jp

*

WhatsApp Group: Tits out 4 Sooty & Sweep

Members: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Thursday 20th June 2019, 8:14 p.m.

====================

Sirius Black: You fucking pompous twat

Peter Pettigrew: ????

Sirius Black: I meant James, not you

James Potter: wtf did i do????

Sirius Black: Have you read his email yet, Pete?

Peter Pettigrew: No??
I'll read it now brb

Sirius Black: The fucking hypocrisy
As if Lancelot's even your real middle name
I know it isn't, I know you're lying

James Potter: prove it isn't

Sirius Black: I fucking will if it kills me

James Potter: my mum and dad swore on pain of death to keep that to themselves so good luck, yeah?

Sirius Black: So I'll find it another way
Passport, electoral roll, I've got options

James Potter: can't find me on the electoral roll if i never register to vote

Remus Lupin: You haven't registered to vote yet?

Sirius Black: LMFAO caught out

James Potter: i'd meant to get round to it

Remus Lupin: You've been eighteen for three months!
We had European Parliament elections in May!

James Potter: i had a lot going on in may!
studying, and family obligations

Sirius Black: What family obligations?

James Potter: and i redownloaded pokemon go
shut up sirius you don't know my life

Sirius Black: We literally live together, but go off I guess

Remus Lupin: Go to gov.uk and register to vote NOW.
Do it right now, I mean it.
It takes five minutes.

James Potter: my pride's at stake here ffs remus

Sirius Black: The future of our nation hangs in the balance and this clown's throwing his vote away for the sake of self-gratification

James Potter: i have eu citizenship through mum
i'll be fine

Remus Lupin: And the rest of us can burn in the fires of Tory incompetence?
Register to vote now or I swear I'll thump you.

Peter Pettigrew: Wait
Wait
WAIT
Clint Foxworthy was a PLANT????!

James Potter: yes peter THANK YOU for getting back to the matter at hand
we need to vote charles out of the party

Peter Pettigrew: Agreed.

Remus Lupin: You need to vote period.

Sirius Black: No to ousting Charles

James Potter: WHY??

Sirius Black: Because he's a Healer
We need a Healer
Which we wouldn't if you hadn't bloody insisted upon becoming an Auror in the first place
Two duelists in one party, we're such a fucking cliche

Remus Lupin: Nowhere in this conversation do I see that you've registered to vote yet.

James Potter: i called auror first you incorrigible prick
don't put this on me
the only reason you don't want to kick charles out is because you think his borderline psychosis is hilarious
if he DID turn up at the house with a katana and try to kill us all you'd be well chuffed

Sirius Black: It'd be something interesting to do on a Friday night

James Potter: what if he murdered mum?

Sirius Black: He wouldn't dare

James Potter: what if he did though?

Sirius Black: Don't you dare say shit like that about my mother

James Potter: she's my ACTUAL mother!!!?!

Remus Lupin: James, I'll vote Charles out if you register to vote and send me a screenshot.

James Potter: done

Sirius Black: Fuck you Remus

Remus Lupin: We can find another Healer.
He's right, too. Charles is certifiably unhinged.

Peter Pettigrew: And only getting worse.

Sirius Black: Eccentricity isn't a crime

Remus Lupin: He has quit abruptly in the middle of a battle because he suddenly needed to masturbate.
Twice.

Peter Pettigrew: And both times he spelled it masterbate.

Sirius Black: The misspelling was unforgivable, yeah
But what man hasn't pulled off a quick one during a battle?

Remus Lupin: Me.

Peter Pettigrew: Me.

James Potter: right hang on, i'm on this website
just typing in my middle name
l
a
n
c
e

Sirius Black: Lie all you want, if you want Charles out it has to be unanimous and it's not unanimous

James Potter: l
o
t
ffs sirius he's mental

Sirius Black: Whatever, we need a Healer

James Potter: that's a bullshit reason you sock full of wank

Sirius Black: Maybe, but it's the only reason you're getting
He stays

James Potter: you'll need a healer for real when he's prising your teeth from your skull and stringing them into a necklace

Peter Pettigrew: LOL, our duelists are dueling.

Sirius Black: Now see what you've done, James?
You've got Peter trying to make jokes again

*

From: Peter Pettigrew ([email protected])

To: WWW Gaming Group ([email protected], [email protected], [email protected], [email protected])

Date: Thursday 20th June 2019, 8:17 p.m.

Subject: FWD: petition for the expulsion of jackedripper666 from the marauders alliance

====================

I officially vote YES

Get him out!

Yes to Chexit!

- - - - - - - - - - Forwarded Message - - - - - - - - - -

From: James Potter ([email protected])
Date: Thursday 20th June 2019 at 7:22 p.m.
Subject: petition for the expulsion of jackedripper666 from the marauders alliance
To: Sirius Black ([email protected]), Remus Lupin ([email protected]), Peter Pettigrew ([email protected])

Expand to see message content

Chapter Text

"I did before and had my share
It didn't lead nowhere
I would go along with someone like you"
- Peter Bjorn and John

*

James Potter was an adult man.

Legally.

Granted, in some ways he was less adult than others. He didn't need to shave his face as often as he would have liked, but he figured that Rome wasn't built in a day, and in terms of scale, his innate brilliance was pretty Rome-like.

He was a leader, a conjurer, possessing a maturity one would expect of an adult man several years his senior. He knew how to cook proper meals, had a full working knowledge of the menstrual cycle and knew to separate whites from colours when he did laundry. He had taken his cat for all of his shots like a responsible pet owner and was eligible to vote—which he intended to do, just as soon as his friend Remus told him if he should get behind Labour or the Lib Dems in… whatever the next election was.

All in all, he firmly believed that he was a functional grown-up.

James added to his list of accomplishments by registering himself as an official member of the Kensington and Chelsea electorate on a muggy June evening that had cloaked the city of London in a blanket of air as thick as it was humid. Once he finished and dropped his phone into his lap, it occurred to him—steady and mature as he was—that instead of wasting the rest of his night to a WhatsApp argument that would never arrive at a satisfactory conclusion, he could just chuck something at Sirius.

So he did.

His new trainers were lying handily within reach, and Sirius let out a cry of pain when one of them collided with his temple.

This victory, however, was incredibly short lived.

"James!" cried his mother, Euphemia, appearing in the living room doorway as if by magic, iced tea in hand, magnetically drawn towards the sound of her biological son's trainer bouncing off the side of her adopted son's head. "What did you do that for?!"

His mum was out of luck, because James felt no guilt. He was concerned for the wellbeing of his friends, while Sirius seemed hellbent on leading said friends into peril. The stupid prat had earned a projectile or two.

There might have been a little guilt.

Maybe.

Almost.

A mere slither of guilt, sparingly cut from a much larger slice.

The problem was, he was often too soft with Sirius and the prat didn't half love taking advantage of that. James needed to keep a close eye on the guilt he consumed, lest he find himself stuffed with remorse and inclined to forgive his best friend-turned-brother for betraying the Marauders Alliance, of which he, James Potter, was leader.

So it was settled. Sirius deserved it.

If only the trainer had hit him on the shoulder instead of the head, he would have deserved it more, but James's aim was simply too good. He could never be counted upon to miss a shot. The immense talent which had been bestowed upon him at birth was often more of a burden than a gift.

"Well?" said Euphemia, eyebrows raised.

James blinked and tried to look nonplussed, as though by way of a gravitational abnormality, a shift in the earth's plates or a gust of wind from one of the house's many open windows, his trainer had been levitated into the air against its will and propelled violently across the room.

"What was what for?" he said innocently.

"The bright red Adidas Original you just lobbed at my head?" Sirius offered, scowling and rubbing the spot above his ear.

The offending trainer lay on the carpet, as complicit in James's crime as he was.

"It lobbed itself at your head," James replied.

"Why are you throwing shoes at your brother?" Euphemia demanded. "More to the point, why have you brought your filthy trainers onto my living room carpet in the first place?"

James gaped at her, aghast.

Filthy trainers!

Of all the accusations!

He was offended. Those trainers were brand new and just out of the box, and Euphemia knew that because she was the one who'd bought them for him. James had only worn them once around the kitchen, and that was just to model them for the cat, who hadn't been remotely appreciative.

The insult rankled deep within his soul.

"They're clean," he retorted, calling upon his every last ounce of courage like a cultist attempting to summon Yog-Sothoth from a rift in the space-time continuum. His mother would end him if he was cheeky, but his honour had been impugned. It could not be borne. "Why is your carpet more important than his head?"

His mother's sharp brown eyes narrowed into slits.

This was it.

She would end him, very shortly.

It had been a good life, while it lasted. James had made it eighteen years in this world, but soon his face would be plastered all over the news while friends and distant relatives wept on camera and talked about how he'd been "full of life," and "lit up a room," and all the usual crap that no living person had ever been accused of. Being murdered by his own mother would get him a day of front-page coverage on all the major newspapers, so at the very least, he'd leave in a blaze of infamy. That was something.

"Sirius doesn't come at a cost of £49.99 per metre squared," said Euphemia coldly. Dangerously. "Why did you throw a shoe at your brother?"

"I didn't."

"Who did, then?"

I'm sorry! his brain shrieked. I'm a good boy! His stupid mouth ignored it. "Ghosts."

"Our ghosts haunt the attic, not the living room. Try again."

"He threw it because we're in the middle of an argument," said Sirius.

"What argument?" Euphemia's gaze flicked from one son to the other. "Neither of you have uttered a word for the past hour."

"It all happens on their phones these days," said Fleamont, James's father, who was lounging on the slate grey sofa which sat between James and Sirius's recliners, squinting at his Kindle behind his glasses. "The Zolom's Children."

While Euphemia pulled a face at her husband, her dark, sculpted eyebrows drawing close together in consternation, James stared blankly at his dad.

"The Zolom's what?" he repeated.

"Children," said Fleamont simply. "Generation Z." He glanced up, caught his son's eye and blinked, meeting James's bewildered face with its mirror image—same eyes, glasses, nose, cheekbones, uncontrollably disheveled hair—albeit less obviously handsome and a lot more worn by time. "Is that not the accepted terminology?"

"You're talking nonsense, darling," said Euphemia flatly.

"Was I?" Fleamont shrugged. "Silly me."

"I think your husband's in a cult, Euphemia," suggested Sirius.

"Or he's been at the whiskey." Euphemia stalked across the room to join her husband on the sofa, glaring at James the whole time. "Have you been at the whiskey?"

"No, my love. Not unless you splashed a bit in here," said Fleamont, indicating the cup of matcha green tea that he'd balanced on his thigh. Euphemia made him drink the tea twice-daily to maintain his virility and sexual stamina, and had discussed this dietary decision with James at length, presumably to traumatise him so thoroughly that he committed himself to lifelong celibacy, an ingenious method of suppressing his own sexual appetite that could only be conceived by Euphemia Potter, a woman as brilliant as she was dastardly.

As James had recently acquired a girlfriend and was very much hoping to have sex at some point before he died, this felt like an especially heinous development.

"My husband's in a cult and my son is a violent criminal," a now-seated Euphemia informed the ceiling, while Fleamont returned to his Kindle, completely unperturbed.

"Sirius called me a fucking pompous twat," James quickly put in.

"My mistake," said his mother. "A snitch and a violent criminal."

"He wouldn't vote Charles out of the par—"

Sirius cut over him at once. "So you don't support democracy, do you?"

"Democracy!" James yelled, as amused by the accusation as he was appalled. He, Remus and Peter all wanted Charles out of the group. If Sirius truly supported democracy, that weirdo would be gone already. "The man keeps a framed photo of Ted Bundy in his kitchen! Killer of multiple women, Ted Bundy!" he added, appealing directly to his mother, who in her tumultuous youth had been stalked by two rejected suitors, and took this kind of thing very seriously. "We saw it in a selfie he sent us on Discord last week, sitting right next to his bloody Brita filter."

"Why is a person who worships Ted Bundy sending you selfies?" Euphemia asked.

"Wanted to show us his new fedora," said Sirius, biting back a laugh.

"Call me crazy, but any person who wears fedoras and keeps framed photos of a murderous necrophile in their home isn't someone I want in my life," James finished, thankful to have a solid argument in the face of his mother's annoyance. He normally found himself with very little to go on. "Or in my friends' lives. Sirius might think he's funny now—"

"Not funny," said Sirius. "Hilarious."

"He'll be a lot less hilarious when you're found dead in a ditch somewhere."

"Why did you invite him into your party to begin with, if he's such a loon?" said Euphemia.

"Because," said James, "he seemed normal at the time."

"See, the truly accomplished internet weirdos release their crazy over time, in stages, so by the time you've realised they're a weirdo you're in way too deep to shake them off," Sirius explained. "That's what Charles did."

"Or he killed the original Charles and stole his identity."

"There's no real way of telling."

"Has this Charles person ever made threats against you or Sirius?" Euphemia asked her son.

James blanked for a full three seconds. "No, but—"

"Ever made you feel unsafe?"

"Not directly, but—"

"But you threw a shoe at your own brother's head," she reminded him, prompting an evil grin to split across Sirius's pale, annoyingly symmetrical face. "So tell me, James, which is the bigger immediate threat to his safety?"

"I'm not—"

"You could have taken his eye out."

"I wouldn't have—"

"You could have given him a concussion."

"I could be seriously injured," Sirius pouted, his hand pressed to his temple like he was stemming the flow of blood from a garish flesh wound. "You monster."

Euphemia turned her head to examine him. "Are you seeing lights in front of your eyes? Do you feel dizzy? Are you in any pain?"

Sirius frowned. "No?"

"Then we don't need to call the coroner just yet," she concluded. "Ease up on the drama."

It should have been James's turn to smile evilly at Sirius, but his mother had already bestowed her displeasure back upon him.

"Pick up your trainer and apologise," she ordered.

His dumb, traitorous mouth couldn't help itself. "To the trainer?"

Euphemia picked up a turquoise cushion and threw it at him, but James, talented as he was, caught it one-handed before it hit his face, narrowly avoiding elbowing his glass of rapidly-warming Coke off the arm of his recliner. It was less comfortable than Sirius's recliner because the in-built massage function was broken, but his parents hadn't done a thing to get it repaired.

Clearly, nobody cared if James's muscles ached at the end of a long, hard day.

"It's too muggy and I'm too tired to parent you," his mother informed him, "so apologise to Sirius and put your trainers out on the shoe rack, or you'll get double the parenting tomorrow."

James wanted to protest that he was a grown man—a legal, responsible, mature adult who she had no right to parent—but his mother would only argue that he had to obey her rules for as long as he lived under her roof, and he was too lousy a liar to pretend that he disagreed with that logic.

He scowled at Sirius, who smiled pleasantly back.

Euphemia continued to watch him expectantly.

"Sorry," he muttered, teeth clamped together.

"I forgive you," said Sirius, maddeningly smug in victory. He leaned over the side of his recliner to scoop James's trainer up from the floor, and held it aloft, his deceptively angelic smile never faltering. "Please be a dear and put your trainers on the shoe rack."

He tossed the trainer in James's direction, clearly intending to injure. Just like with the cushion, James was forced to pull off an incredible, last-second save before it smacked him on the nose, but did anyone applaud his reflexes? No. His dad was engrossed in the biography of some bloke named Pasteur who nobody had ever heard of, while his mum had already hit play on the episode of QI she'd paused, and was pressing her glass of iced tea to her forehead, expelling frustrated breaths from her pursed lips.

Which reminded James, the living room was stiflingly warm, but he had an oscillating fan all to himself upstairs. With a final scowl for everyone present, he stood up, shoved his phone into his jeans pocket, gathered both trainers and stalked away, ignoring Euphemia's shouted instruction to take his glass with him and put it in the dishwasher.

He would pay dearly for that, but James had been slighted. He had to leave some token of his annoyance behind.

Once he'd dropped his trainers on the shoe rack and climbed the stairs—stepping gingerly around the cat, who loved to doze on the top step and get in the way, just to stick it to the family who loved him—James fled to the safety of his bedroom, where he was free from injustice, had some privacy, and the walls were painted in a violent shade of red that he regretted insisting upon when he was eleven. For a moment, he considered sitting at his desk and pulling out a sketch that he'd been working on before the A Levels consumed his free time like an unrelenting black hole, but decided that he was too hot and grouchy to bother.

Instead, he switched his fan on, flopped backwards onto his bed and pulled his phone out of his pocket, intending to give Remus a call. James had recently read an article online about how British men didn't speak to their male friends on the phone enough and how that contributed to...something very bad that he couldn't remember. He'd gotten distracted by his cat and never finished the article, but the point was, it was bad, and he wasn't going to contribute to it.

He also wanted to complain about how unreasonable Sirius was being.

Before he could unlock his phone and make the call, a text notification popped up, obscuring most of Algernon's furious-yet-photogenic glare.

So bored at this stupid dinner my mum's a nightmare. What are you up to? Miss u xox

James's face broke into a wide, goofy grin at once.

It amazed him, how quickly he could be cheered by a text from his girlfriend, even on this sweaty, disgusting day. Even though his best friend was such a huge fan of murderous sociopaths that he would invite one to infiltrate a most sacred circle of friends. Even though his mum was unfairly biased towards Sirius. Even though his dad was very possibly in a cult.

What was all of that compared to Georgia?

Fun, clever, gorgeous Georgia, his girlfriend of two months and counting. She was one of the most popular girls at school, and nearly half of the blokes in their year had fancied her at some time or another, but she had chosen James, even asked him out herself, and the girls James knew never asked boys out. By the time the A Levels had come to an end, nearly all of their classmates knew that James Potter and Georgia Boleyn-Smythe were together, and there couldn't have been a better way to bring an end to his school career.

Picturing Georgia's coppery brown curls and adorably freckled nose clearly in his mind's eye, he settled comfortably against his headboard and began to compose a response which would perfectly encapsulate the horrifying evening he was having.

i'm being cruelly victimised by my own parents while my so-called best friend furthers his plot to overthrow me and possibly have me killed, pls send help x

Georgia's response was quick to arrive.

Aww no! You ok? xxxxx

sirius won't kick crazy charles out of the gaming group because he thinks clinically criminal people are hilarious

Is that the board game group or the computer game group? xxx

our www group
computer game
this bloke is DERANGED, seriously
keeps trying to invite us to 'summer in his lakeside cottage' in windermere

Whaaaaaat??! x

yeah like, just the four of us?
he's like fifty he's got two kids he never sees but he wants to spend the summer with four 18 year old boys??????

Urgh that's disgusting, he's probs trying to groom you all or something, total creeper xxx

honestly i think he's legit dangerous
but when i gently chided sirius for not taking our safety seriously he got me in trouble with my parents
he just doesn't care

Sirius is so unfair to you sometimes x

i know!

Are you going to talk to your mum about him? xx

about charles? she already knows

No babe, about Sirius xox

why do i need to talk to her about sirius?

About the way he bullies you x

This startling proclamation made James blink down at his phone, frowning, while an uncomfortable sensation of unease—the same feeling he got when he knew he was about to get caught misbehaving—settled heavily behind his ribs.

Bullied? Him?

And by Sirius Black, of all people? Sirius, who knew all of his secrets and kept the ones that mattered close to his chest? Who went to every single one of James's football matches and cheered him on with gusto, even though he hated football with a passion? Who would have taken a knife to the heart for James, without question, if his life were ever in danger?

It was such an outlandish idea that James laughed out loud for want of a better reaction, and would have texted Georgia back to applaud her excellent joke, but a follow-up text came whizzing into the message thread almost as quickly as its predecessors.

It's not fair you're being treated like that in your own house by your best friend after your family took him in, especially if he's making you look bad in front of your parents when you try to discuss a serious issue with him xxxxx

So...she meant what she was saying.

But that was baseless.

i'm not being bullied, he started to type, then deleted it.

lol sirius would never, he tried again, but deleted that too.

James had to tread carefully here. Georgia's theory was balls-to-the-wall nonsense and he couldn't let her go about her life with such a low opinion of his best mate, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings by pointing that out. Sirius was a pot-stirrer of the highest order, everybody knew that, but that was no reason for Georgia to arrive at such an unfair conclusion so quickly.

He also didn't want to backtrack completely and make her think that he'd been exaggerating his woes for sympathy and attention, which he kind of had been, but now wasn't the time to get into that.

This was a communication issue, that was all. James and Georgia were still getting to know each other as a couple, so she wasn't used to his sense of humour yet. She also hadn't spent much time around Sirius at all—they'd never had any classes together, and Sirius hardly bothered to speak to anyone outside his own social circle. Georgia simply didn't get their dynamic, and that was totally fair. It would naturally take some time for them to integrate with one another's friends.

He was being so mature about this.

Wise, really.

He'd have to brag to Remus about his handling of the situation, as well as seeing about getting a reward for registering to vote, like a certificate of adulthood or something. He couldn't tell Sirius about his superior boyfriending skills—he'd only sit on his head and call him drippy twat.

Shifting on his bed to find a more comfortable position, James took one quick skim of their conversation and jotted out what he felt was a diplomatic response to what had come before.

oh it's fine, he's my best mate and i can be shit to him too sometimes, it's just jokes mostly x

Georgia started to type as soon as the message was read, and a reply popped up seconds later.

It doesn't seem like jokes if he's upsetting you this much xxx

Okay, so she hadn't gotten it. He'd try again.

he hasn't really, i was just venting

You were venting bc you were upset and that's allowed x

i know, but sometimes i'm just dramatic like that, you don't need to take it seriously

Babe I know he's your best friend and I know you feel like you need to defend him but you don't have to do that with me, I won't tell xxx

"You're not getting it," he muttered aloud, and immediately felt guilty—for talking back to his non-present girlfriend and for his nervy irritation. He caught his tongue between his teeth and started to type, but what might have become a long and impassioned—yet still polite and delightful—defence of his best friend was brought to a halt by the arrival of the man himself. Sirius burst into the room like he was running a SWAT bust, grinning like a maniacal arsehole, and pointed one long, slender finger in his best friend's direction.

"Oddjob!" he bellowed. "Hah!"

James dropped his phone on his duvet, groaned like he was dying and grabbed a pillow to smother his face and make that dream a reality, cursing himself to hell for daring to piss his mother off.

He should have put his glass in the bloody dishwasher.

*

WhatsApp Group: Rogelio my Brogelio

Members: Lily Evans, Bonnie Grogan, Mary Macdonald

Chat Resumed: Thursday 20th June 2019, 9:46 p.m.

====================

Lily Evans: Do you think I'm having an existential crisis?
Not to completely embody the stereotype of an overdramatic teenager.
Overdramatic adult, I guess.
I don't know.
Look whatever it's a legitimate question.

Mary Macdonald: No.

Bonnie Grogan: ^

Lily Evans: Oh great, guess I'm cured of my troubling ennui now, thanks.
Do either of you want to elaborate on that?

Mary Macdonald: You're not having a crisis, you're tired.

Bonnie Grogan: I think you're just tired.
Hahaha, snap.

Mary Macdonald: JINX!
You can't talk again until you buy me a present.

Lily Evans: Noooooooo un-jinx her, I need her help.

Mary Macdonald: And mine's not good enough?

Lily Evans: You're not taking me seriously.
How can I be tired if I can't bloody sleep?

Mary Macdonald: Because, welcome to adulthood, where being tired and unable to sleep will define your life until you finally die and rest eternal in your maggotty grave.

Lily Evans: Deep.

Mary Macdonald: Like your grave.

Lily Evans: Love your sunny optimism.

Mary Macdonald: It's an overcast realism, and it gets results.

Lily Evans: Bonnieeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!
Help meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mary Macdonald: She can talk she's JINXED.

Lily Evans: She can't be jinxed we're EIGHTEEN.

Mary Macdonald: Shut yer puss, fannybaws.

Lily Evans: Oh well done, looking up Scottish insults on Buzzfeed again.

Mary Macdonald: They're the insults of my people.

Lily Evans: You absolute bollocks, Macdonald.

Mary Macdonald: You utter shitehawk, Evans.

Lily Evans: You're a fart lozenge.

Mary Macdonald: You're a melted welly.

Lily Evans: You are Tom Selleck's moustache.

Mary Macdonald: LMFAO
Not Scottish but fine you win.

Lily Evans: @Bonnie Grogan are you seriously not going to talk just because she jinxed you?

Bonnie Grogan: Sorry! I'm in a restaurant and mam's demanding that I periodically interact with the rest of the table.
Everyone eats super late over here.
What's got you down babe?

Mary Macdonald: She's tired.

Lily Evans: My brain has been wrung out like a dishcloth I can't focus on anything I'm pissed off I haven't done anything I'd planned on doing this summer my head is empty and I've done nothing but watch Netflix.

Mary Macdonald: Commas, babe.

Lily Evans: So no, I'm not tired, I'm spiralling.

Mary Macdonald: You're burned out.
This is totally normal.

Bonnie Grogan: Yeah honestly babe I think Mary's right.
You worked your arse off for the A Levels.
Like, Twin Peaks levels of working your arse off. Nonsensical levels that I cannot understand.

Mary Macdonald: You're obsessed with that fucking show omg.

Bonnie Grogan: BECAUSE IT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSEEEEEEEEEE
THAT RANDOM BOX IN NEW YORK BASICALLY ATE PEOPLE AND I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE????

Mary Macdonald: Moving past Bonnie's existential crisis

Bonnie Grogan: AND WHO THE FUCK IS BILLY??????

Mary Macdonald: She's right, who takes FIVE subjects at A Level?
Four is already pushing it.
Stop talking about Twin Peaks, Lily's (not) having a crisis.

Lily Evans: I am having a crisis.

Mary Macdonald: It was inevitable that you'd crash out once you were done and you've only been done for a week.
I crash out that hard after plucking my eyebrows.
Just relax FFS.

Bonnie Grogan: I'm just SAYING I hate that show and it's stupid.
And Mary's right, give yourself some time to decompress.

Lily Evans: Spi-rall-ing.
I'm not even watching new Netflix stuff.
Just the same crap I've watched before.

Bonnie Grogan: Well good, you've earned the right to spend a few weeks doing nothing.

Lily Evans: And yes, I worked my arse off for these exams. I gave up weekends. I took too many subjects. I SCHEDULED my anxiety attacks so they wouldn't get in the way of my revision plan. I was nuts and I KNOW that I was nuts, but I'd made my peace with it.

Mary Macdonald: Oh, babe.
Scheduling anxiety attacks???!

Bonnie Grogan: I'm starting to see where it all went wrong for you tbh.

Lily Evans: And WHY did I do all of that? So I can go to uni and do it all over AGAIN until I have a masters in something that I'll realise halfway through I hate, but by then I'll be too far gone to stop so I'll just keep going and end up stuck in a job I can't stand for the rest of my life??
What even is the point of doing ANYTHING?

Mary Macdonald: Oh my god.
Take a shower and ask Holland to go to the cinema tomorrow.
Go see Toy Story 4.
Have a cry.
Give him a handy in the back of the cinema.
Sorted.

Lily Evans: WTF NO
GOD
MARY
WHAT
WHY

Mary Macdonald: LMFAO

Bonnie Grogan: Twin Peaks was going too far but public sex acts are on the table?

Mary Macdonald: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Lily Evans: Right, yeah.
I'll just casually give him a handjob in the back of the cinema full of kids while I'm lamenting the loss of a childhood I didn't appreciate when I had the chance, that'll definitely be conducive to a mature and respectful relationship.

Mary Macdonald: Woody's lucky he didn't go to uni with Andy.
Imagine how he'd feel watching Andy experiment with sex and drugs.

Bonnie Grogan: What the actual fuck Mary.

Mary Macdonald: Sitting on the shelf while Andy goes to town on some hot piece's genitals.
Male or female, don't want to assume his sexuality.

Bonnie Grogan: STOP.

Mary Macdonald: Eyes frozen open.
Unable to look anywhere else.

Lily Evans: STOP.

Mary Macdonald: Listening to Andy cry out "YEE HAW!" when he finishes.

Lily Evans: Wow.

Bonnie Grogan: You're a sociopath.

Mary Macdonald: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Bonnie Grogan: I'm washing my eyes with bleach as soon as I get back to the hotel.

Lily Evans: I'm taking the less dangerous option and turning my phone off.

Mary Macdonald: Noooooooooooooo don't!
I can give you a ring in a few minutes and switch to serious Mary mode, I promise.
I'm here to help you through your existential crisis.
I'm literally walking back to the room right this minute.

Lily Evans: FINE, you can ring me but ONLY because I'm desperate and Bonnie's being held hostage by her parents.
But I am NOT giving Liam Holland a handjob.

Mary Macdonald: URGH, why would you even suggest that?
Jesus Christ, Lily.
Have some fucking decorum, please.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Created by: Ah-Idk

Members: Ah-Idk, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, JackedRipper666, LaydeesMan2000

Channel: General
Resumed: Friday 21st June 2019, 11:31 a.m.

====================

JackedRipper666: I see your true faces now.

Bacon4Algernon: what??

siriusblack: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

JackedRipper666: You can read, can't you?

Bacon4Algernon: yeah but...idk what you're talking about??

siriusblack: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Bacon4Algernon: wtf sirius stop laughing
what have you done?

JackedRipper666: Don't put this on Sirius. This was YOUR doing.
You think you can toy with us and avoid all consequences.

Bacon4Algernon: seriously charles i have no fucking idea what's going on

JackedRipper666: You think you can sit up there in your ivory tower and play god.

Bacon4Algernon: ??????????
wtf even is an ivory tower my bedroom is red

JackedRipper666: You think you can treat your friends like shit and get away with it, but you're not getting away with it this time.

Bacon4Algernon: ?????!!!!

siriusblack: Check your emails you fucking idiot

Bacon4Algernon: why??

siriusblack: Because Peter forwarded yours to his stupid distribution group last night instead of replying to it

Several people are typing

JackedRipper666: Are you that much of a coward that you let your little sycophant do your dirty work for you?

siriusblack: LOLLLLLLLLL
#Chexit

JackedRipper666: Did he stop sucking your cock long enough to forward on your email 'by accident'?

Bacon4Algernon: fuuuuuuuuck charles i'm so sorry!!!
wtf NO, what is WRONG with you???

JackedRipper666: What's WRONG with me???
My dearest friends in the world choose to inform me that I am being kicked out of the group with a feeble quip?
Once that makes light of a serious political event that I have campaigned for for years?
That you KNOW means a lot to me?
THAT'S WHAT'S FUCKING WRONG.

Ah-Idk: Funny, because the rest of us were against it and that never stopped you from laughing at us and calling us Remoaners and telling us to suck it up and deal with it.

Bacon4Algernon: no remus it's fine, this is my fault
seriously charles, i'm so so so so sorry
and look, i don't think the five of us are a good fit for a group, i'm not going to lie and pretend that it was some joke because it wasn't, but it wasn't fair on you that you found out this way
i feel like an arsehole and i should feel like an arsehole and i'm so sorry, honestly, that email was really shitty and i shouldn't have sent it

Ah-Idk: You don't have to say sorry.

siriusblack: Don't pretend you're sorry
It was a good stealth move on Peter's part

LaydeesMan2000: No! No it wasn't! No stealth move!!!
It was a mistake!!!
I'm sorry James!! I wasn't thinking and typed in the group name out of habit I'm so sorry!!!!

siriusblack: Alternatively, it was act of total fucking stupidity
It's beyond pathetic that I believe you

JackedRipper666: So you'll apologise to James for forwarding his disgusting piece of shit email, Peter, but you won't apologise to me?

Ah-Idk: You think Peter should apologise to you when you literally just called him a sycophant?

LaydeesMan2000: And a cocksucker!

Ah-Idk: Objectively, there's nothing wrong with sucking cocks if that's what you want to do. Sycophant is a worse insult.
Charles, why would you ever think that we're your dearest friends in the world after the way you've treated us?

JackedRipper666: The way I've treated all of YOU?
Are you fucking SERIOUS???? THE WAY I'VE TREATED YOU FUCKING PUSSYS?

siriusblack: It's *pussies

JackedRipper666: I can't fucking believe this.
I can't believe it!!
After EVERYTHING I've done for the four of you and all the times I've saved your incompetent asses, you'd toss me on the fucking scrapheap like a dying cat??

Ah-Idk: I don't think any of us would throw a dying cat on top of a scrapheap.

Bacon4Algernon: see?? SEE??????
this is what he does to cats and you want to keep him IN, sirius???

JackedRipper666: Have you all forgotten how I saved you from that hag?
All four of you would have died in the Hog's Head if it weren't for MY Bezoars!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah-Idk: Bezoars you stole from the hag who then poisoned us to get revenge.
You've got a nice little habit of putting the party in danger so you can be the one to save us from it, don't you?

siriusblack: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

JackedRipper666: EXCUSE ME?
So I suppose you've just been pretending to like me for the past year, just like James?

Ah-Idk: We did like you at first, when you were pretending to be different, but this has been a long time coming and I'm not going to waste my time apologising.
You're constantly leaving in the middle of battles we've planned in advance, you're forever coming into the chat just to take your bad moods out on us, you've bragged about avoiding weekends with your children so you could play with us instead, and you've said disgusting things to the girls we've met on the game. To be completely honest, we've been patient with you and let you away with being a prick for too long.
You can't spend a year treating people like garbage, then act offended when some of them don't want you around.

JackedRipper666: Well FUCK YOU!!!
Fucking cocksucking queers!!!!
The only reason I joined this fucking group in the first place is because you were helpless without me and I felt sorry for you, see how well you do without me you fucking arseholes!!!!!!!!

siriusblack: Wait, Charles, don't leave us!!!!
I campaigned tirelessly against your expulsion while the rest of them wanted you gone

JackedRipper666: Go fuck yourself Sirius, fucking long haired twat

siriusblack: No, seriously, you're a prime Healer, why would I want to kick you out?
James was the one jonesing to boot you
He manipulated Peter
Bribed Remus with promises he couldn't keep

Bacon4Algernon: couldn't keep?? i LITERALLY registered to vote last night!

siriusblack: I alone stood up for you
I was the only one who argued for your side
And quite frankly I think it's a travesty that James could treat you like this after you've given us a year of your life
Fuck the haters
I see your value, mate

JackedRipper666: That means a lot, but you couldn't pay me to stay in this piece of shit group of pussys now.
If you ever want to leave the party and join me as I continue on my quest, you will be gladly welcomed, but the rest of these cocksuckers are as good as dead to me

siriusblack: Wow, do you really mean that? Form our own party together? Just the two of us?

JackedRipper666: Yes, of course I do. You're a better Auror than James anyway.
Fuck ALL of you, Sirius and I will have our own party and we'll come and kill all three of you.

siriusblack: HAHAHAHAHAHA
Yeah, not a fucking chance, Norman Bates

JackedRipper666: FUCK YOU THEN
YOU KNOW WHAT?
FUCK ALL OF YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKERS
I KNOW WHERE YOU ALL FUCKING LIVE, I'M GONNA FIND YOU AND CHOP YOUR FUCKING HEADS OFF AND I'M GONNA PISS ON YOUR FUCKING GRAVES

siriusblack: lol

Ah-Idk has removed JackedRipper666 from the server

Bacon4Algernon: well

LaydeesMan2000: Wow.

Bacon4Algernon: that was intense

siriusblack: Fucking great work Peter

LaydeesMan2000: I'm SORRY, but he wasn't mentally stable and it's better that he's gone!

siriusblack: Yeah, I KNOW he wasn't stable
That's why I reckoned it was better to keep him sweet

Ah-Idk: You started laughing openly at him the moment he messaged us.
You compared him to a psychopath. In what way was that supposed to keep him sweet?

siriusblack: I didn't compare him to a psychopath

Ah-Idk: You likened him to the literal psycho from the movie Psycho.

siriusblack: The damage had already been done by then, that's not my fault
Now the party's down a Healer and James is gonna get murdered just because Peter doesn't know how to hit reply all to a fucking email
What is he a fucking baby boomer?

Bacon4Algernon: don't have a go at peter when this is your fault

siriusblack: LOL how is it my fault??

Bacon4Algernon: if you'd just accepted that we were 3 against 1 and expelled charles from the group we could have come up with an excuse to get rid of him
he wouldn't have needed to find out like this

siriusblack: If you'd just respected democracy we wouldn't be down a Healer right now

Bacon4Algernon: the greeks INVENTED democracy you colonising shit

siriusblack: You're only half Greek

Bacon4Algernon: you're only half turd

Ah-Idk: Sirius, the majority rules in a democracy.

siriusblack: Oh, does it?
Gee whizz

Ah-Idk: You knew that already, I know you did.
You've read more Chomsky than the scholars who specialise in Chomsky.

Bacon4Algernon: wtf is chomsky?

LaydeesMan2000: It's that chocolate bar everyone leaves behind in the selection box at Xmas.

siriusblack: That's a Chomp you ignorant slut

*

It wasn't a very hot day, exactly, but the air was damp and sticky, clinging like a second layer of skin, and the fan in Lily Evans's room was broken.

Her bedsheet was twisting and bunching in a sweaty bundle beneath her, and she couldn't drift off to sleep.

She shouldn't have been trying to sleep in the first place. It was the middle of the day, and the sun outside her window was shining brightly, but her best friends were both on vacation with their families, her evil older sister was waist-deep in wedding-planning fright mode—truly the Lady Tremaine of brides—Lily had recently fallen foul of a mentally crippling apathy and her entire sense of purpose appeared to have gone limp.

"Some fun, productive summer I'm having," she muttered to herself. "Lying in a puddle of my own grossness like a bloody wounded snot."

She turned her head slightly and glanced over the books that were stacked in a pile on her bedside table, next to her glass of water and dangerously close to the ring of condensation that looped around the base. One of her goals for the summer was to reread all of her favourite old classics, but with her brain feeling like a lump of wet bread, she hadn't so much as turned a single page. Josephine March and Elizabeth Bennet were, for the moment, being left to their own devices.

Her beloved fictional heroines deserved so much better than to be left to their own devices. They deserved to be read and remembered and adored.

Lily sighed.

She closed her eyes and tried to squeeze away the daylight, as if her body might get sick of her brain's whinging and fall asleep on the spot.

No such luck.

Clearly, she needed to get her own shit together.

When she opened her eyes again, she let out an impatient breath and reminded herself that she was not a lazy wanker, but nothing else happened to rouse her. No sudden flash of inspiration came whizzing into her brain. No fairy godmother sailed in through her open bedroom window to wave her glittering magic wand and bring an end to Lily's unending lethargy.

Mary had spent a good hour on the phone with her the night before, arguing that Lily's sudden slump was nothing more than a bout of post-exam exhaustion, brought on by the (admittedly excessive) studying to which Lily had slavishly devoted herself for the better part of a year and which, perhaps, she was naturally clever enough to have done less of. The ease with which she had breezed through her A Levels had practically left her breathless, because she had overprepared, and though that should have given her an immense sense of pride, she merely felt as if she had been robbed of some sort of struggle, as if she had worked and stressed and sacrificed for nothing much at all.

Lily knew that Mary was right, but she never liked to admit that she was wrong, even when there was nobody there to hear it but herself. She knew that her emotional downturn was a total non-issue. She knew that she had classmates who would have killed for the exam experience she'd had. From any conceivable standpoint, it was clear that she was looking at things all wrong and needed to pull her head out of her arse.

Her entire first week of summer made for the perfect embodiment of a first world problem, but Lily felt how she felt, and she didn't know how to keep from feeling it.

She shuffled restlessly on the bed, lazily using the mattress to scratch her itchy back, and rolled over onto one side. Immediately, her eyes fell on the pretty cluster of yellow roses which comprised her computer's desktop background, and she sighed again, because she'd turned it on that morning in the hopes of getting some writing done.

Predictably, she hadn't written a word.

She could try to write something now, she supposed. She could sit at her desk, close her eyes, and hammer the keyboard aimlessly with her fists until something resembling anything came from the mess.

Or, she thought, her gaze flitting to a familiar desktop icon, she could always...

No.

No.

She'd be an idiot if she even considered going down that road.

That account was deleted. Gone. And for very good reason. Principled reasons.

Lily had sworn to herself that she'd never play that game again, and she hadn't. Not for over a year. Not since the Incident, and she reminded herself in that moment that logging back on would be five steps backwards when she should have been taking ten in the opposite direction.

Even if her exams were over now, and she technically had the time. Time was not the issue.

It was all a moot point anyway. DumbleD Games had been useless when she complained to them. They hadn't done shit to block Sev's IP or ensure that Lily would be safe whilst playing, so she wouldn't be able to reactivate her old account to reclaim her items and achievements, and besides all of that, she…

Quite fancied playing it.

Really fancied playing it, actually.

And that was...beyond inconvenient.

It was the first thing she'd fancied in over a week, really, aside from Liam Holland, and fancying Liam Holland was more of a full-time job than a fleeting impulse. This was a different kind of stirring, one that made the idea of engaging her brain in a task seem like less of a chore and more of something that might wake her up for the first time in a week.

Wizarding World Wars had been so much fun, when it hadn't been a nightmare, when she wasn't being harassed by sexually frustrated gamer boys and had a nice group of girls to play with. Before Severus had scared the shit out of her in his appalling attempt at a romantic gesture.

An hour or two couldn't hurt, surely?

She could try it, at the very least, just to get back up to speed and see if much had changed in a year. She'd paid for the base game years ago, so she could easily create another account without spending any money. A new account would mean a new username, a new avatar and new aspirations. She could get a new wand—she'd always felt like she'd flubbed her questions with her first account, and silver lime had never seemed like the right wood for her. She could choose to be a Healer this time around, and challenge herself a little more. She'd been an Auror before, but nearly half of the game-playing community comprised of Aurors. They were ten-a-penny now, and an utterly banal choice.

Lily pushed herself up and swung her legs over the side of her bed, the heels of her hands pressed into her sweaty bedsheet.

Oh, screw it.

She'd be an idiot, then, and give in to her baser instincts.

She'd play Wizarding World Wars for an hour.

Only an hour.

Or...two at most, because she'd need some extra time to pick a new username and design her character and get all of that squared away before she could start playing for real. Once she'd kick-started her brain into gear again, she could move on to more worthwhile, productive tasks. She could go to the swimming pool at the gym. She could start dividing her room into things she wanted to donate and things she was bringing to uni. She could lavish Josephine March and Lizzie Bennet with the attention they so richly deserved.

Until then, they could help her out with one or two things.

Lily's old avatar had been a digital replication of Lily herself: green eyed, red-haired, pale and freckled and girlishly dressed, while her username, DoeReyMe, had been inspired by her favourite Star Wars character. Her new one had to be its polar opposite to keep Severus Snape at bay, so after she dragged herself off her bed and sat down in front of her computer, she set about experimenting with different names and styles, and JosieBenn—short, of course, for Josephine Bennet—was ready to go within fifteen minutes.

Where Rey had been a plucky Auror with hidden weapons at her disposal, Josie was industrious trainee Healer with electric blue hair and eyes, a swirl of tattoos on her arms and an owl perched upon her shoulder, rather than the cat preferred by her predecessor. She wore flat black boots and a black tank top and a dark red, scruffy leather jacket, very different to Rey's colourful, flowing gowns. Her wand was made of willow and phoenix feather, which overall felt like a much better fit for Lily than the last one she'd been given.

Finally, the sorting quiz placed her in Gryffindor, which was DoeReyMe's old house, but as she shared that house with roughly a quarter of 8 million players, that seemed like less of an issue.

Josephine Bennet was nothing like DoeReyMe.

Nothing, in short, like anything Severus Snape might recall of the Lily Evans who had been foolish enough to befriend him in the months before the Incident. If he was still lurking in the game like a bad smell, silently sniffing the air for a whiff of her reappearance, he would have no reason to suspect that Lily had come back at all.

Josie could be whoever Lily wanted her to be, and that was rather freeing, in a sense, for a girl who often felt so tightly squeezed by self-imposed pressure that she might have longed for a chance to reinvent herself.

She needed a bit of fun, that was all.

She wouldn't become obsessed. Not again.

This was fine.

Definitely, one hundred percent fine.

"Alright then, Josie B," Lily murmured under her breath, and moved her cursor above the button which read Start. "Let's ruin my summer together."

Chapter Text

"Oh-oh here she comes
Watch out boy, she'll chew you up"
- Daryl Hall & John Oates

*

In the days that followed from the moment her creator decided to sacrifice her summer to a new Wizarding World Wars character, the industrious JosieBenn amassed an impressive store of artefacts, bombs and potions, obtained a Probity Probe and reached Level 36, which was extremely impressive.

In real life, Lily Evans wasn't communicating with anyone in particular, and had washed her hair—just washed, no conditioner—approximately once.

That was less impressive, and extremely pathetic, according to Petunia, who stopped in Lily's room to discuss tablecloth samples and found her unwilling to venture opinions which, to be fair, Petunia would not have listened to anyway. Several painful hours of wedding planning had already revealed that Lily's taste ran to sleek and simple, while Petunia was in favour of floral patterned everything. Even Lily's bridesmaid's dress was a peony-patterned, apricot-coloured monstrosity with an equally offensive fascinator to match.

Lily knew that she had better things to be getting on with, but she couldn't help it. The game consumed her like a rampaging inferno, just as it had done before, incinerating minutes, hours, days of her life, keeping her glued to her computer chair until her arse began to go numb and she was forced to retreat to the kitchen in search of sustenance and sunlight, her beloved books untouched, her donation box left empty and gathering dust on the floor. When she wasn't brewing potions, accompanying random parties on missions or building her artefact collection, she was coming to blows with angry dickheads, because as she'd once learned, the only way for a girl to speak to gamer boys was with overconfident aggression, which guaranteed her one of two immediate responses—respect, or sexist rage. Severus Snape certainly would have opted for the latter if Lily hadn't been so nice to him when they'd first started talking, and the last thing she wanted was another Severus Snape.

It was a strange week, all in all. Lily barely checked her phone, slept rarely, lived in old pyjamas that molded themselves to her body like plaster, survived on chunks of falafel and cans of Diet Coke that she guzzled by the light of her monitor, and was well on her way to becoming a total hermit for the rest of the summer until the fateful moment when she reached up to scratch her neck and found a walnut-sized knot in the back of her hair.

After that, she decided to regulate her computer time to two hours a day or less.

Three hours tops on stressful days.

The problem was, every day was stressful, even if Lily was largely stressed out by the lack of things to stress about, save for A Level results and uni acceptances, but they weren't out until August. Nor were any of her closest friends free at convenient times. Kingsley, Isabella and Wendy all had summer jobs, Mary was in Edinburgh with her family until August and Bonnie wasn't due back from Salou until the 5th of July.

Lily really should have looked for a job herself—she'd worked in the cafe at the trampoline park last summer—but she couldn't find it in her to muster up the will, and her mum was too consumed by Petunia's upcoming wedding to notice and pressure her into it.

She felt stuck. That was the problem. She was stuck, and all of her determination had done a runner with the exams.

I've got no interest in doing anything except playing this stupid game and arguing with ragey blokes who will one day blame the new Star Wars trilogy when they snap and beat someone to death with a price-reduced headset stand during the Black Friday rush and I'm getting sick of myself, she texted Mary on Sunday night, shortly after hitting her extended limit.

lol give Holland a handy, Mary texted back.

NO I'm not texting him first and stop going on about handjobs.

Ok

I feel so pathetic for wearing myself out over the exams.

Yes

You're not supposed to AGREE with me Mary.

Yes

And yeah, maybe overpreparing was stupid and a waste of my time or whatever, but it will be WORTH it when I get into Kingston.

Yes

Wtf even are you, an auto-reply bot?

Mary followed up with a blurry photograph she'd clearly just taken of a live show from a theatre seat, so Lily put down her phone with a feeling of writhing shame in her belly.

Must she veer into self-obsession, as well as debilitating apathy?

Was that her vibe for the summer, annoying everyone?

"Have I actually become pathetic?" she asked Josie, who stood to attention in the character modification screen, proudly sporting the new dragon hide boots (defence score: 97) that Lily had just dressed her in.

Josie, who clearly didn't concern herself with moments of self-deprecating introspection because she was a badass with many tattoos who didn't share Lily's distaste for needles, shook her jagged blue fringe out of her eyes in response.

Oh, fuck it anyway, Lily thought, her hand reaching for the mouse.

A couple more hours wouldn't hurt.

*

"We need to find a replacement by tonight," Sirius declared, swiping the television remote from the edge of James's bed.

He pointed it at the telly, hit stop on American Horror Story and flung himself into the beanbag chair on the floor, obliterating a comfortable dent that suited James's posterior just right.

"Erm," said James, stuck in a compromising position. "Excuse me?"

"Sick of fucking around with floaters," said Sirius, and promptly replaced Netflix with Amazon Prime Video.

James gaped at the side of Sirius's head but his best mate ignored him, scrolling through the contents menu with the cavalier disinterest of a man who hadn't done a single untoward thing.

Georgia, meanwhile, scooted to the other end of the bed.

Great.

Sirius was always walking into his room unannounced and putting whatever he wanted on the telly, and James wouldn't have minded the interruption had he and Georgia not been fused together at the lips and happily engaging in some over-the-clothes groping mere moments earlier. It was bad enough that his mother insisted upon keeping his bedroom door wide open when Georgia stopped by, but least Euphemia was loud on purpose when she came upstairs to check on them. Sirius could sneak in and out of rooms like a stealth operative, and had done so, forcing them to spring apart with whiplash-like speed when he boldly announced his presence.

Now James had been cruelly denied further snogging, as a flustered Georgia propped herself up against the wall at the foot of his bed, tucking her legs beneath her bottom. Leaning on his elbows and still a little breathless, James caught her gaze as she combed her fingers through her tangle of brown curls.

She shot him a pointed look; a look that said get rid of Sirius NOW. 

Or perhaps it meant I may never recover from this embarrassment. 

Or maybe even you are the worst boyfriend in the entire world and this is not going to convince me that your best friend isn't a bully.

James adjusted his glasses, sat up straight and oriented himself so that his back was also touching the wall and his girlfriend was now within arm's reach. Then he pulled his pillow into his lap to hide all evidence of the snogging he'd been denied. He was a gentleman, first and foremost, even if his body needed a little extra time to catch up with his brain.

"We were watching that," he told Sirius.

"No you weren't," Sirius replied. He seemed to be considering Parks and Rec, which—James begrudgingly admitted to himself—was better than American Horror Story, but Georgia had wanted to watch it. "You were eating your girlfriend's face."

"Get out of my room."

"No."

Irritation bristled in James's chest like a wire brush scraping across his ribcage. "I'm serious."

"I don't care."

James glanced at his bedroom door and tried to gauge the distance between it and the beanbag chair. He was stronger than Sirius and could have manhandled him out of the room, but he didn't want Georgia to witness such an uncouth display unless it was absolutely necessary. Georgia's older brother was constantly landing himself in trouble and had recently had his nose broken in a brawl outside the Wetherspoons in town, so it distressed her to no end to see men fight.

"Did you need something?" he tried again, forcing his voice to be pleasant.

James needed to resolve this matter peacefully. Like the nation of Iceland.

"I'm figuring out this Healer situation." Sirius brought up the blurb for episode 3x13. "I literally just said."

"The situation is that I'd like you to get out of my room."

"Not now that I'm comfortable."

James's jaw tensed, all notions of Icelandic peacekeeping dissipating like so many bubbles. "Georgia and I are kind of busy at the moment, if you hadn't noticed?"

"Her majesty doesn't mind," said Sirius, turning his head to observe her. His eyes narrowed critically when they fell upon her face, as if she had been found severely lacking. "Do you?"

"Of course she minds," said James, looking to his girlfriend for confirmation.

Unfortunately, the annoyance which had so clearly radiated from Georgia's pores when Sirius first walked in appeared to have fled from the spotlight of his scrutiny. She tucked her hair behind her ear, her eyes darting between Sirius and James. 

"Well," she said. A slight frown crinkled in her forehead. "I guess I don't mind."

"Are you sure?" said James, reaching over to cover her hand with his own.

"I'm sure."

Sirius scoffed and turned his attention back to the television, but the set of Georgia's jaw and the pinched corners of her mouth weren't convincing enough for James to breathe a sigh of relief. His mother often said that he was an intelligent dunce, and in the two-and-a-half months they'd spent together, James had noticed that Georgia tended to claim that things were fine, until it became abundantly clear later that they were not.

His issue was that he often had no way of telling when things really were fine, and when she was secretly seething with rage.

He wondered if he weren't being led into a trap somehow.

"Are you sure you're sure?" he pressed on, just to be safe.

"Yes, 'course I am."

"Really, really sure?" His hand felt like a dead weight atop her stiff fingers, but if he kept on asking, she couldn't possibly accuse him of emotional neglect. "Because I'm not above kicking him in the bollocks if you want him to piss off."  

"She said she's sure," said Sirius loudly. "Shut up about it already."

He hit play on the episode and started to hum the theme song—which wasn't even playing yet—under his breath.

James could have leapt off the bed and put him in a headlock until he passed out and gave them both some peace, but Georgia's hand twitched beneath his own, and she turned her palm upwards to twine their fingers together.

"I really am sure," she promised, and treated him to a sad, sweet smile. "I know how important the party is to you."

A feeling of cheer and relief flooded his insides—she wasn't mad at him, just Sirius!—and he leaned towards her slightly. "Georgia—"

"How can you see anything with the glare on this television?" Sirius barked.

Forget the headlock, James would castrate him.

Slowly.

"Close the bloody curtains, then," he instructed through gritted teeth, while Georgia pressed her lips together, her eyes lifting to the ceiling.

"And block all the air coming in?"

"I've got a fan, I don't care."

"You should care, it's your bedroom."

"I'll start caring as soon as you leave," James grumbled, and Georgia squeezed his hand in silent support.

"It's fine, I'll deal with the glare. Carry on," Sirius decided, squirming around in the beanbag, long legs stretched straight out across the floor. "Just have to get comfortable in this thing." 

That blessed arse dent was well and truly gone.

And his girlfriend was peeved, which was truly the more pressing issue.

"I'm so sorry about him," James murmured to Georgia who, mercifully, had not let go of his hand. Feeling daring, he shuffled his body towards her end of the bed, his loosely tousled duvet sliding about underneath him, and settled himself beside her. 

Resting their conjoined hands in the meagre space between their bodies, he nudged her gently with his elbow. 

"Once he gets an idea about something," he continued. "Well…"

Georgia smiled and bumped her chin against his shoulder.

"It's fine," she whispered in his ear. "It's just shit that you have to put up with it."

"We can go outside instead, if you'd rather just be alone."

"Babe, it's your room, you shouldn't have to—"

"By the way," Sirius added. The unnatural din of his voice was practically clanging off the walls. "I'm going to ask SockemsRazor to join the party, I've decided."

Pop went James's blissful little bubble of amorousness, and he whipped his head around so fast that he could have sworn he'd heard a slight crack in his neck. "What?!"

"Knew that would get your attention," said Sirius, smirking.

Their Wizarding World Wars party was trialling floating Healers in order to find a replacement for Charles; or at least, they had been until four days ago, when James and Remus grew so sick of the whole debacle that they demanded a temporary halt on proceedings. It would not have been hyperbole to say that SockemsRazor—who was a good player, true, but also distinctly cretinous, bad-tempered and intrusive—was the straw that broke the camel's back. James had logged out of the server that night feeling as if he'd lost a full year of his life, and swore that he would quit the party if Sirius so much as thought about taking him on long-term.

Since then, the four of them had been playing sans guests, but after three failed attempts to get past a band of horrible NPC giants who had no apparent aim but to attack every player who attempted to cross the one bridge that led to Ottery St Catchpole, it had become apparent that they desperately needed a Healer, and Peter was refusing to give in to James's repeated urgings to sacrifice the XP needed to completely re-spec his character for the team.

"Change yours instead," he had selfishly responded, as if a person could just re-spec their character willy-nilly.

Judging by the smirk on Sirius's face, he had no intention of extending any invites to SockemsRazor and every intention of being a troll, but James couldn't risk letting a second Charles infiltrate the team.

"You're joking," he coldly accused.

"No, I'm not," said Sirius, though his tone said otherwise. "I know you weren't keen on him, but hear me out—"

"No."

"James—"

"No!"

"He was a dick, yeah, but he was the best Healer we've tried so far and since you're the reason we got rid of Charles—"

"We didn't just get rid of Charles so we could replace him with his clone!" James spat. He would have folded his arms across his chest in mutiny, but he was still holding Georgia's hand. "I told you no and I meant it. That guy was a creep!"

"You can't just decide—"

"He was Charles-level creepy," he said flatly, "and I got a bad feeling about him, and he hates cats."

"Not everyone who hates cats—"

"Plus, Remus agrees with me!"

"Remus won't—"

"If you ask him to join we'll both quit, and you and Peter will be stuck dealing with him by yourselves."

"Fine, then!" said Sirius, throwing his hands up into the air. The remote flew out of his hand and landed next to the aquarium, which hadn't contained a single fish since the day Algernon embarked on a killing spree in a fit of jealous rage. James still felt traumatised every time he looked at it. "Luckily for you, I made a list. What about MikeMaven?"

"They went AFK twice in an hour without warning us."

"CrowningGlory?"

"You didn't even like him."

"GryffinDoorman, then?"

"I don't even remember who that was," said James derisively. "What about that flowers person? We all liked her."

"She lives in Australia," said Sirius. "It's 5 a.m. for her when we normally play."

"How'd you know that?"

"Because I checked with her."

"When?"

"When you two were out at Five Guys sucking face," Sirius nastily retorted, looking at Georgia as if she was the problem, "which is exactly why we shouldn't look for people at one in the bloody afternoon in the first place."

"So this is all my fault again, is it?"

"You were the one with plans for the evening."

"Just because I have a social life outside of playing games with you lot—"

"I need the bathroom," said Georgia. 

With a surprising amount of force, she yanked her hand from his grip, clambered off the bed and picked up her purse.

"You alright?" James asked her, but she spun around and walked out of the room without another word, shutting the door behind her with a pointed, heavy thud.

Sirius shook his head slowly, grinning from ear to ear.

"Terrible boyfriend, you are," he remarked. "She'll have your head for that."

James didn't know if he should punch Sirius in the face—which, despite the many imaginative threats he'd concocted over the years, he could never bring himself to do, never mind castration—or run after Georgia to make sure that she was alright. He'd followed her once when she was mad and been instructed to leave her alone, so the next time she'd left a room in a mood, he hadn't, and was scolded for leaving her there by herself. What she wanted him to do in this situation was anyone's guess, although she'd said that she was going to the toilet, so bursting in there after her would likely not earn him any points.

He had wondered if there was a trap, now here it was, slicing bloody chunks from his ankle.

"She's only pissed off because of you," he retorted, anxious to pass the blame. "And you shouldn't call her that!"

"Call her what?"

"Her majesty. She doesn't like it."

Sirius scoffed derisively. "If you're gonna claim to be descended from Anne Boleyn—"

"You can't prove that she isn't!"

"Give me her date of birth and an ancestry.com subscription and I bet I could," Sirius countered, fixing James with a hard look. "Now, can we talk about something else, please? I feel my life slipping away every time you mention her name."

He resumed his television watching with an irritated sigh, while James, deflating against his bedroom wall, stuck a hand into his hair and scratched at his scalp. It didn't itch, but Georgia's exit had left him with a lot of nervous energy, and his hands didn't have much else to do but fidget.

He'd be lucky if he didn't get dumped.

*

Wizarding World Wars Lobby — Gryffindor Common Room

Date/Time: Tuesday 2nd July 2019, 8:50 p.m.

====================

siriusblack: My party's taking on the giants at the OstC bridge and we need a Healer. Anyone free?

JosieBenn: I'm free.

siriusblack: What you got?

JosieBenn: Skele-Gro, blood replenish, standard healing, burn, murtlap, wide-eye, wiggenweld, common antidotes, dittany, stamina restore, dittany silver, mandrake, protego bombs, etc.

siriusblack: Dit silver and protego bombs???!

JosieBenn: Yup.

siriusblack: How much of each?

JosieBenn: How many in your party?

siriusblack: 4 including me

JosieBenn: Then I have plenty.

siriusblack: Yesssssssssssssssssss perfect.
I'll add you now.

*

Wizarding World Wars Game Chat

Participants: Ah-Idk, Bacon4Algernon, LaydeesMan2000, siriusblack

Date/Time: Tuesday 2nd July 2019, 8:58 p.m.

====================

siriusblack: Got us a Healer

siriusblack added JosieBenn to the chat

siriusblack: Introduce yourself

JosieBenn: What?

siriusblack: This is Josie, she's a Healer with protego bombs and she's agreed to help us take on the giants

JosieBenn: Apparently I don't need to introduce myself.

LaydeesMan2000: Protego bombs!

Bacon4Algernon: hi josie i'm prongs i'm an auror i'm not in the mood to play tonight and i'm not speaking to padfoot because he grim reaped my girlfriend irl
if someone could pass the message on to him i'd be grateful

JosieBenn: Oh great.
Personal drama.

siriusblack: Haha

LaydeesMan2000: Hi Josie! I'm Wormtail and I'm a Ranger!

Ah-Idk: I'm Moony. Enchanter.

JosieBenn: Disparity between in-game and chat names too.
I so immediately regret this.

siriusblack: Oh you joker you

JosieBenn: Wait, who even is Padfoot?

siriusblack: I'm Padfoot
Also an Auror

JosieBenn: Jesus. Of course you are.
Can we get on with tackling these giants, please? I'm going offline at 10pm.

Bacon4Algernon: why?

JosieBenn: Are my evening plans relevant to you somehow?

Bacon4Algernon: idk, if you're watching something good on netflix or whatever i'm always looking for recs

JosieBenn: ……the fuck?

Ah-Idk: Ignore Prongs. We all do.
Any help with the giants would be appreciated but I understand if you want to keep the p-bombs to yourself.

JosieBenn: Nah it's fine, I can get more.

Bacon4Algernon: moony that's really disrespectful

LaydeesMan2000: How can you get more??? In Durmstrang?

JosieBenn: Total long shot, but if we're taking on giants, you don't happen to have a way to conjure gubraithian fire, do you?

Bacon4Algernon: moony

Ah-Idk: We thought of that.
I can conjure it, but don't have the resources.

JosieBenn: What do you need? I have stuff.

Bacon4Algernon: moony

siriusblack: Between the four of us, we're short one ashwinder egg and an aeternum rune

JosieBenn: Shit.
I've got two eggs but not the aeternum.

Bacon4Algernon: moony

LaydeesMan2000: So bartering with them is out of the question.

siriusblack: Wow Wormtail, really?! Thanks for informing us!

JosieBenn: Any animagi in the group?

Bacon4Algernon: moony you disrespected me

Ah-Idk: These three are. I'm a werewolf, which obviously isn't useful right now.

JosieBenn: Werewolf tho. Nice.
Are any of you small animagi, or are you all extremely desperate to show off?

LaydeesMan2000: I'm a rat.

JosieBenn: And a Ranger, right?
Can you carry transformed?

LaydeesMan2000: Yeah, and I can. I have an extendable so I can use three objects when transformed.

JosieBenn: Okay, since long distance magic is basically useless against giants, I have a pepper gas potion, so you could transform, take it to the bridge and smash it when you're amongst them.
Your visibility will be fucked, but so will theirs?

Bacon4Algernon: any one of us could do that, i've got a legit invisibility cloak

JosieBenn: Why would you sacrifice visibility for a melee if you're an Auror?

Bacon4Algernon: i obviously wouldn't, i'm just saying i've got the cloak

JosieBenn: Oh okay. Here's your medal so.

Bacon4Algernon: ???!

LaydeesMan2000: Good idea!
You're right anyway, I'm the least useful in a giant mission.

JosieBenn: Plus I can heal you when I get close enough, provided the others can clear a path.

siriusblack: We've been trying Conjunctivitis curses but this is better

Ah-Idk: Hit them all at once

siriusblack: Full dark no stars, exactly
Between Prongs and me we should be able to fight them off close range with Josie's protego bombs

Bacon4Algernon: oh remembered i'm here, did you?

siriusblack: Lol you know who isn't here?
Your girlfriend

LaydeesMan2000: Lollllll

siriusblack: Ran home in a strop, didn't she?

Bacon4Algernon: fuck off pads

JosieBenn: Children please.
10pm, remember?
I'll give the pepper gas to Wormarse
Wait
Wormtail?
(Why???)

siriusblack: LOL

LaydeesMan2000: LOL

siriusblack: Prongs and I will approach under the cloak and attack when they're incapacitated

Ah-Idk: I'll shield myself and Josie as we follow, then she can bomb you when you reveal.

JosieBenn: I'll heal Wormtail (WHY?) while you fight.

siriusblack: Sounds good

Bacon4Algernon: does anyone care that i don't want to be here?

JosieBenn: Then leave?

siriusblack: He can't leave, he's got the cloak and a Sword of Gryffindor
Also, he doesn't want to leave
He'd rather chop his own ball off than miss out on the chance to get past this bridge

JosieBenn: Just one ball?

Ah-Idk: Two seems excessive

Bacon4Algernon: none of this is funny!

JosieBenn: Right.
Btw I need galleons so if there's any in their loot I'm taking them once we're done.

siriusblack: Our rule is we split all loot evenly

JosieBenn: My rule is you can get your own protego bombs in that case

siriusblack: LOL
You're lucky we've got a lot of galleons

*

Wizarding World Wars Game Chat

Participants: Ah-Idk, Bacon4Algernon, JosieBenn, LaydeesMan2000, siriusblack

Date/Time: Tuesday 2nd July 2019, 9:52 p.m.

====================

LaydeesMan2000: gg everyone

Bacon4Algernon: yeah gg

siriusblack: Fuck off both of you, that was a fucking fantastic game

Ah-Idk: True, but ffg doesn't have the same ring to it.

siriusblack: Oi, Josie
Josie
Josie
Josie
JOSIE
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, JOSIE
IT'S IMPORTANT

Bacon4Algernon: jfc ease up on the caps

siriusblack: Piss off, I'm turning on the charm
Josie
JOSIE
Come onnnnnnnnnnn don't leave me this way
You're breaking my heart

JosieBenn: I'm here.

siriusblack: Stop playing so hard to get
FINALLY

JosieBenn: I'm also not a malevolent phantom.
You don't have to chant my name over and over to make me appear.

Ah-Idk: Hahaha

Bacon4Algernon: lol

Ah-Idk: What Padfoot means to say is that we've been trying to get past that gang for days and you really helped us out there, so thank you for coming to the rescue.
Apologies if that wasn't properly conveyed by his aimless screaming.

JosieBenn: Why were you even trying to get by giants with no Healer?

LaydeesMan2000: We had no other choice.

JosieBenn: Why?

Bacon4Algernon: we consciously uncoupled with our healer recently

JosieBenn: Why?

Bacon4Algernon: he was feral, had to put him down

siriusblack: Can we focus on the important stuff for a moment?

JosieBenn: Wait, feral?!?????

siriusblack: Like how the FUCK are you playing at our level at Level 36???????

JosieBenn: Because I'm talented. What of it?

siriusblack: And where did you get protego bombs btw?

JosieBenn: In the R&R.

LaydeesMan2000: What's the R&R?
Rock & roll lolololol

JosieBenn: The Room of Requirement.

Bacon4Algernon: what????

siriusblack: What?

LaydeesMan2000: Rules and regulations hahahaha
OH RIGHT SORRY!

JosieBenn: Are you serious?

siriusblack: Sirius, but close enough

JosieBenn: The Room of Requirement?
You don't know what that is?

Bacon4Algernon: we know what it is but you can't have been in there
only level 75 plus can go in there

JosieBenn: From the portal entrance, yeah.
Anyone can get in from Hogwarts 7th floor with the right code, there's an entrance right across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy.

Bacon4Algernon: no, there isn't
the gryffindor common room entrance is on the 7th floor, and we're all gryffindors
we'd know if there was a room across from barnabas

siriusblack: She's a Gryffindor too you daft slut

JosieBenn: I'm also a Gryffindor and there IS a way into the room, you just have to know how to open it.
Are you seriously telling me that you don't know how to get into the R&R from Hogwarts?
NONE of you?

Ah-Idk: This is my first time hearing about it.

Bacon4Algernon: there isn't an entrance, we'd know if there was an entrance

JosieBenn: Well, there is an entrance, so I don't know what to tell you.

Bacon4Algernon: well, there isn't an entrance and you're clearly lying

JosieBenn: Right.
Of course I'm lying.
That's the only explanation for this, clearly.

Bacon4Algernon: yup, thanks for admitting it

JosieBenn: You have a penis, don't you?

LaydeesMan2000: omg what

Bacon4Algernon: i beg your pardon??!!?!?!?!

siriusblack: LMFAO

JosieBenn: Penis?
Male sex organ?
This is my cutesy little way of asking if you're a man.
*cis man, pardon me.

siriusblack: #notallpenises

JosieBenn: #belongtoboys

siriusblack: #amen

Bacon4Algernon: i know what a penis is!!
yeah i am a man

siriusblack: *man-child

Bacon4Algernon: what's it to you?

JosieBenn: On a personal level, nothing.
In terms of this conversation?
I know something you don't know and your delicate male pride has been slightly bruised.
Naturally, you feel that you have no choice but to cast aspersions, rather than admit that you're wrong.
So you call me a liar and think that makes all right with the world.

Bacon4Algernon: i'm not casting aspersions because of my bruised male pride!!!!

JosieBenn: So you agree that I've bruised your delicate male pride?

Bacon4Algernon: i don't have any pride!

JosieBenn: What, none at all?
#sad

Bacon4Algernon: OBVIOUSLY i have pride!

JosieBenn: You just said you didn't.
Now who's the liar?

Ah-Idk: Oh my god, Prongs.
Take a shovel and be done with it.

Bacon4Algernon: it's just not DELICATE
SHUT UP MOONY

siriusblack: JFC ease up on the caps

Ah-Idk: I want this conversation replayed at my funeral like the rolling text from Star Wars.

Bacon4Algernon: all i was SAYING is that we'd know if there was an entrance across from the tapestry of barnabas so the only logical conclusion to draw is that you're making it up!

JosieBenn: Oh my GOD there IS an entrance!!!!
Why would I lie about something that you could disprove so easily?
Do you think I'm that stupid? Do you think I'm sitting here hoping you'll never check for yourselves?
You've been playing this game for long enough to have an Animagus form and an Invisibility Cloak, and to have "consciously uncoupled" with what sounds like a rampaging possum, but you don't know where the hidden entrance to the Room of Requirement is??

siriusblack: LOL I guess he doesn't

JosieBenn: Then let me ask you a question, Bacon, or Prongs, or whatever the hell your name is.
How the fuck are you NOT playing like a pro at Level 108?

LaydeesMan2000: OH SNAP

siriusblack: Ooooooooooooooooooh
SOMEONE'S creeping on our profiles

Bacon4Algernon: why am i the only one getting that question when nobody else knew either???!

JosieBenn: And I suppose you knew I was a Level 36 because the fairies told you?

siriusblack: Excellent point
So, are you gonna join our party or what?

Bacon4Algernon: oh, so i'm just being ignored now, am i?

JosieBenn: You're asking me this like you'd already put it on the table.

siriusblack: It was implied
Fact is, we've been looking for a Healer for two weeks and everyone's been shit until you

LaydeesMan2000: Yeah, you should join! That was a great mission!

Bacon4Algernon: i hate all of you
officially

JosieBenn: Wow, can't believe I'm not shit, according to some guy on the internet!
My highest aspiration achieved at last!
I may just go ahead and faint right now, pardon me.

siriusblack: Didn't I just say you play like a pro??
Must you hound me for compliments, woman?

Ah-Idk: In all seriousness, Wormtail and Padfoot are right, that was one of the best missions we've completed in ages and you're a brilliant player.
If you did decide to join, we'd be happy to have you.

Bacon4Algernon: speak for yourself

siriusblack: Don't mind my associate, he gets cranky when he hasn't had his afternoon nap and his delicate male ego takes a pounding
Join us, Josie
Prongs will come around, he's weak and easily controlled

Bacon4Algernon: i'm sorry but FUCK YOU?

JosieBenn: Eh.
I'm pretty sure I know the answer already, but are there any girls in this group?

Ah-Idk: No.

JosieBenn: Then I'll pass.

siriusblack: Just because of that?

JosieBenn: I don't like playing with all-male parties.

siriusblack: You seemed to like playing with us and we're all packing dicks

JosieBenn: I played with you because I initially assumed that you were a girl on account of your character, which was naive and entirely on me, I know, but playing with you guys once doesn't obligate me to do it again.

Ah-Idk: To be fair, we wouldn't be an all-male party if you joined us.

siriusblack: Female avatars can do anything that male avatars can, Josie, I'm trying to break down barriers here
And how, I ask you
No, IMPLORE you
How are we meant to become woke and inclusive if you won't join us and help us grow?

LaydeesMan2000: LOL help us 'grow'

JosieBenn: It's not up to me to help you become woke and inclusive, you should be learning that shit by yourselves.
Also, you know, NOT jumping on every opportunity to make euphemisms??

Bacon4Algernon: who says we aren't already??

JosieBenn: Making euphemisms? I can see that.

Bacon4Algernon: no, inclusive
we're all inclusive!

siriusblack: Like a holiday package

Ah-Idk: In our defence, the only reason we're in a party together is because we're all friends in real life.
We're not excluding girls on purpose.

JosieBenn: And that's all very sweet and Stand-By-Me-ish of you, but I don't like all-male parties and I don't want to join yours.

Ah-Idk: But it's as you say, most girls don't want to play in groups of all boys, which is understandable, so we haven't had much opportunity to diversify.

JosieBenn: That's your impasse to work around, not mine.

LaydeesMan2000: We might not have a lady in the group but we have a ladies man LMFAOOOOOOOOOO

siriusblack: …………

Bacon4Algernon: jesus h christ

JosieBenn: Do you?
Because the mere fact that you picked THAT for a username tells me that the closest you've ever come to a woman's vagina is sniffing a mannequin's crotch in Primark.

siriusblack: OH

JosieBenn: So don't even start with that shit.

LaydeesMan2000 has left

siriusblack: SAVAGE

Ah-Idk: This is amazing.

siriusblack: THE FEMININE ENERGY THIS GROUP NEEDS
Josie, I beg you
Join us

Bacon4Algernon: she said she doesn't want to so she doesn't want to leave it at that

siriusblack: I promise I only want you for your strategic wizardry
*witchery
None of us are morons except for Wormtail, and you're clearly more than capable of dealing with him

JosieBenn: No.

siriusblack: There has to be something we can offer you
Galleons? Portkeys? I've got a solid gold cauldron, indestructible AF
Prongs' Invisibility Cloak? You can have that if you want

Bacon4Algernon: WTF NO SHE BLOODY CAN'T!!!

Ah-Idk: We could make Wormtail change his username to something less offensive.

siriusblack: I can hack his account and do it now
What does everyone think of MannequinSniffer?

Bacon4Algernon: wow

siriusblack: I'm brilliant, I know

Bacon4Algernon: you'd really screw over one of your best mates for some random level 36 who doesn't even want to join the party?

JosieBenn: Awwww, I'm a random Level 36? So dehumanising.
Why so salty, Bacon?

Ah-Idk: Hahahaha
I'm trying to DM Wormtail but he's logged off the server completely.

siriusblack: HAH what a wimp
Probably sore that Josie rumbled his secret
And shut up Prongs you complain about his username ALL the fucking time
You called it a fucking embarrassment

Bacon4Algernon: that's not the same as throwing him over for someone we don't know!!!

JosieBenn: At least I insulted his name to his face and didn't say it behind his back.
Seems like something a shitty friend with a soft bruised ego would do, honestly.

Bacon4Algernon: i don't talk about him behind his bloody back!!!
i KNOW it's a stupid name but i'm allowed say that to his face, he's MY friend, not yours!
pardon me if i don't just stand there and laugh when random strangers pick on my mates!

JosieBenn: Your moral quandaries are truly riveting but alas, I have drying paint to observe.
Peace out.

JosieBenn has left

Ah-Idk: Well.
That was interesting.

Bacon4Algernon: wtf was her problem???
she was such an arsehole!!!

siriusblack: I KNOW
IT WAS AMAZING

Bacon4Algernon: jfc sirius how can you actually WANT her in the party???

siriusblack: Might actually propose, tbh

Bacon4Algernon: i hate you and her in that order

siriusblack: How much do rings go for these days?

Bacon4Algernon has left

Chapter Text

"She's so indecipherable
She holds the key to the missing code"
- Sing Street

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Georgia Boleyn-Smythe, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Wednesday 3rd July 2019, 3:11 p.m.

====================

James Potter: are you still upset with me?
i understand if you are because i was out of line yesterday but i just
wanted to check

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: I was never upset with you and you weren't out of line xx
I just didn't want to be around Sirius because I never know what to say to him and I knew that he wasn't going to leave us alone, so I went home xx
And had a lousy evening, if you must know x

James Potter: so you're upset with sirius

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: James, he HATES me x
He doesn't even try to hide it x
And please don't say he doesn't because I'm not stupid, I know he does and I can't figure out what I did to make him feel that way xx
All I've done is try my hardest to be nice to him and he doesn't make it easy xx

James Potter: i don't really know what to say
of course i don't think you're stupid, i've never thought that

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Did he tell you why? x
He DOES hate me, right? x

James Potter: he's not said that explicitly

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: That's not an answer x

James Potter: sirius hates everyone, georgie
or, most people, at least

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: That's not an answer either x

James Potter: it's difficult to explain
he's like
i dunno
he mentioned the anne boleyn thing but

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Oh my god, SERIOUSLY?!
It's not even Anne!!
It's Mary and it was Mum who changed our bloody surname from Biggs, she's the pretentious wanker, not me!
Did you tell him that? xxx

James Potter: i tried but
the thing is, he doesn't really listen to stuff unless he wants to

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: I just don't get it xx
Remus and Peter are so lovely x
Why do you put up with it, James? x
All he does is treat you like shit xx

James Potter: he doesn't
he really doesn't
i know it seems that way sometimes because we have that sort of dynamic for jokes, but he doesn't treat me like shit, it's just

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: I swear James
If you say 'lad banter' right now……

James Potter: no!
it's not that!
i mean, sort of, yeah, we're both stupid men and that's part of it, sometimes we do just take the piss out of each other and wind each other up for a laugh but there's nothing really bad in it
i mean we both KNOW there's nothing bad in it, i wind him up too!
and he's a really good friend, georgie, he really is
he's my best friend. my brother
and he's not a bad person
he's just got a lot going on and he doesn't always deal with it like
look, it's difficult to explain
but he'd do anything for me, i know that

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Anything except try to get along with your girlfriend, right? x

James Potter: well...fuck

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: I'm not trying to make things difficult, babe I'm really not x
But it's horrible to sit there knowing that hates me so much that he can't even lie about it x

James Potter: i'm sorry georgie
i'll talk to him, okay?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Will you?

James Potter: i will, i promise
i just need to catch him in the right mood first

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Lol when's that x

James Potter: lol right??
but i'll fix it, i promise
you deserve better and i'm going to make him see that and the next time he tries to interrupt us i'll make sure he leaves

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Thank you babe xxx
And I'm really sorry for going home yesterday, I should have stayed xxx

James Potter: it's alright
don't blame you
and you're right, he didn't leave
it's just the game, i think. he's totally fixated on replacing our healer and everyone he's brought in to trial has been a total weirdo
the girl we got stuck with last night was the worst one yet

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Oh?? x

James Potter: just like, INSTANTLY furious for no reason?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: You played last night? xx

James Potter: i mean, she was a good player and all
really good
but i basically, like, breathed, and she started accusing me of being a stereotypical sexist gamer prick for no reason??

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Wtf????? You're literally nothing like that! xxx

James Potter: i know!!!
then she accused peter of being a sexual deviant who sniffs mannequin crotches because he made a stupid joke like "i'm a ladies man lol"
it was totally innocent and she went off at him
as if peter ACTUALLY believes that he's a ladies man

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Awww poor Peter x
He's such a sweetheart! xx

James Potter: sirius asked her to join and she said no though
THANK GOD

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Don't let people like her upset you xx
She's probably just like that because some gamer boys can be awful x
Like a defence mechanism, you know? xx
Not that you guys are like that! xx

James Potter: yeah maybe
she called us children and talked to us like we were stupid

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Well you're not stupid, alright? x
You are brilliant and clever and a fantastic wizard fighter...person? x

James Potter: lol
close enough

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: And SHE'S the stupid one if she can't see that xxx

James Potter: you're the best
i'm so glad that we're not fighting

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Me too, I hate it x
Will you be able to come over today? xx
My parents are at work, only me and Aubrey are here xx
We can watch more AHS and……do other things x

James Potter: yeah definitely!

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Yay! xx

James Potter: i'll just let mum know
see you in a bit x

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: See you in a bit! xx

*

Wizarding World Wars — Inbox for JosieBenn
Unread (6)

Message Request — from Wormtail— Sorry (I was LaydeesMan2000) — 04-07-19 11:25
Message Request — from Ah-Idk — Room of Requirement — 04-07-19 10:32
Message Request — from demoniklaconik — GO FUCK YOURSLE — 03-07-19 19:24
Message Request — from siriusblack — <no subject> — 02-07-19 22:16
Message Request — from sHadesOfUnderworld — hey :) wanna chat in private? x — 30-06-19 02:16
Message Request — from flavinja — GHOSTING? — 28-06-19 21:16

*

Wizarding World Wars Private Chat

Participants: Ah-Idk, JosieBenn

Date/Time: Thursday 4th July 2019, 11:56 a.m.

====================

Ah-Idk: Hey Josie.

JosieBenn: Hey……is it Moony?

Ah-Idk: That is correct.

JosieBenn: Can I just ask, why those nicknames?
I mean, Moony I can pretty much get behind because it's sort of cute and relevant to being a werewolf, but what the actual effing FUCK is Wormtail when it's at home?
Like, what actually IS it?

Ah-Idk: Really like the use of "effing fuck."

JosieBenn: What can I say? I'm a wordsmith.

Ah-Idk: I can tell you, although it's a boring story.
When the others picked their animagus forms, we decided to give each other the shittest nicknames possible, which for whatever reason seemed hilarious at the time.

JosieBenn: You're right.
That was boring.

Ah-Idk: I deliver on my promises, see?

JosieBenn: Was there something you needed?

Ah-Idk: Oh, yes there was.
Sorry to bother you with this, but I was wondering if you'd be willing to share the code to get into the R&R from Hogwarts?

JosieBenn: Sure. It's not like I'm gatekeeper.
But you know you can just find it on Reddit, right?

Ah-Idk: I was going to look there, but I really, really enjoy the idea of telling Prongs that I got it from you.

JosieBenn: Devious of you.

Ah-Idk: It's more fun that way.

JosieBenn: Just a sprinkling of salt.

Ah-Idk: A slice of humble pie.
Adds a certain je ne sais quoi to my Thursday.

JosieBenn: Oui oui. I like it.
Okay, so you need to approach the statue from the Gryff common room side and walk past it three times. Make sure you stop before you reach the painting of the wheat field, turn, walk five paces back in the direction you came, turn again and walk back to the same spot, right before the wheat field.
Then turn to face the wall and there'll be a brick right in front of you that now has a blue tinge.
Tap it and you'll get a combination puzzle. The code is triangle star pentagon pentagon circle.

Ah-Idk: I'll give it a go, thank you.

JosieBenn: No problem!
Let me know if your mate shits his pants.
I mean, not literally, that's his private business.

Ah-Idk: Will do.

*

Wizarding World Wars Private Chat

Participants: siriusblack, JosieBenn

Date/Time: Thursday 4th July 2019, 12:14 p.m.

====================

siriusblack: You have to join the party tho
Have to
Have to
Josie
Josie
JOSIE
JOSIE
JOSEPHINEEEEEEEE
I let you take ALL of those galleons
Do the decent thing
If you think ignoring me will stop me, you're wrong
I have absolutely no shame and zero tact
I'll keep messaging you until you reply
Or block me
Always an option
Ah, but you won't block me, we've shared an experience together, you and I
You shielded me with a protego bomb
That means something where I'm from

JosieBenn: Where exactly are you from?

siriusblack: Knightsbridge

JosieBenn: EW you fucking toff.

*

WhatsApp Group: Tits out 4 Sooty & Sweep

Members: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Thursday 4th July 2019, 2:28 p.m.

====================

Remus Lupin: Josie was right, there's an entrance to the Room of Requirement on the 7th floor.

James Potter: no

Remus Lupin: She gave me the code to open it this morning and I just tried it.

James Potter: no
no
fuck

Sirius Black: Hahahahahaha

James Potter: fuck

Sirius Black: Hahahahahahahahahahaha

James Potter: wait you're TALKING to her?!

Remus Lupin: Nah mate, she came to me in a dream.

Sirius Black: On the wings of a dove

James Potter: well whatever, i don't care if she was right about an entrance
she persecuted me for no good reason and i'm not bloody apologising

Remus Lupin: To who?

James Potter: to her!

Sirius Black: Did anyone ask you to?

Remus Lupin: She's not hiding here in the chat, calm down.

Sirius Black: We've got to add her to the party now, right?
I know she's only level 36, but if she's THIS good at level 36……

Remus Lupin: Yeah, you're right.
I was thinking of asking her to join again later.
She seems to like me more than she likes the rest of you.

James Potter: REMUS NO
NO
YOU CAN'T
I CANNOT ALLOW IT
DON'T LET HER TRICK YOU WITH HER ILLICITLY OBTAINED SECRETS
HOW DID SHE EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE ENTRANCE? WHO HAS SHE BEEN CONSORTING WITH?

Remus Lupin: This isn't my fight. Only you and Peter had a problem with her, mate.

Peter Pettigrew: I don't have a problem with her!
I thought she was funny! And her idea with the pepper gas was great!

James Potter: pete, she called you a dirty crotch sniffer and you immediately logged off in a humiliated rage

Peter Pettigrew: That wasn't why I logged off and I wasn't in a humiliated rage
My internet cut out.

Sirius Black: Face it, James
Peter wants a woman in the party more than he cares about his pride

Peter Pettigrew: That's not why!

Sirius Black: Yes it is
Change your username btw

Peter Pettigrew: Change it to what?

Sirius Black: How the fuck am I supposed to know? I'm not your mother, Barbara Pettigrew

Peter Pettigrew: Wtf?!
Why did you feel the need to say her full name?!

Sirius Black: Idk I'm feeling quirky

James Potter: okay zooey deschanel

*

Wizarding World Wars Private Chat

Participants: siriusblack, JosieBenn

Date/Time: Thursday 4th July 2019, 3:14 p.m.

====================

siriusblack: Thanks for the R&R tip, Moony shared with us, Prongs distraught

JosieBenn: You're welcome.

siriusblack: Also
You have to join the party
You have to join the party tho
You have to join the party tho
You have to join the party tho
You have to join the party tho
You have to join the party tho
Josie
Josie
Josie
Josie
JOSIE
Is this because I'm a toff? Is that why you're blanking me?
Because that's not my fault. I didn't ask to be born, and if I had done I wouldn't have asked to be born in the fucking Portland
I'm a libertarian socialist, you know
But I guess all you see is class division
I've had it with your backwards attitude
JOSIE

*

WhatsApp Group: Rogelio my Brogelio

Members: Lily Evans, Bonnie Grogan, Mary Macdonald

Chat Resumed: Friday 5th July 2019, 2:17 p.m.

====================

Bonnie Grogan: Yooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I'm homeeeeeee @Lily Evans my flight just landed!!!
Alton Towers tomorrow?

Lily Evans: OH MY GOD
YES PLEASE
GET ME OUT OF THIS BLOODY HOUSE

Bonnie Grogan: Nemesis baby yeaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Mary Macdonald: Oh you fucking BITCHES

*

Wizarding World Wars Private Chat

Participants: Wormtail, JosieBenn

Date/Time: Friday 5th July 2019, 3:22 p.m.

====================

Wormtail: Hello Josie.
I wanted to reach out and apologise to you for the crude jokes that I made in the chat, and for my username, which I now see was very childish and offensive to women. I have changed it and I hope that you do join the party because you are a great player! And if you do I promise I will never make crude jokes again.

JosieBenn: Which one of them made you do this?

Wormtail: Actually, it was my mother.

JosieBenn: Christ

Wormtail: That's what she said when I told her!

*

Wizarding World Wars Private Chat

Participants: Ah-Idk, JosieBenn

Date/Time: Friday 5th July 2019, 4:15 p.m.

====================

JosieBenn: You have some……strange friends.

Ah-Idk: I know.
Makes you wonder about the guy we kicked out, doesn't it?
Say what you want about us, but at least we don't routinely murder our plants to teach them lessons.

JosieBenn: I didn't wonder about your feral friend until now, but thank you for the inevitable night terrors. I'll double check that the doors are locked tonight.
How's my pal Bacon?
Sizzling away on the grill?

Ah-Idk: Suitably cowed now that you've been proved right.

JosieBenn: I guess that makes him a steak
Instead of bacon
Because y'know
Cowed

Ah-Idk: He would honestly appreciate that joke so much if it wasn't aimed directly at him.
I find it spectacularly unfunny, however.

JosieBenn: Thank you, I'll take my bow right here.

Ah-Idk: I wish you'd consider joining the party, at least.

JosieBenn: So your mate keeps asking me.
If you can liken shouting "YOU SHOULD JOIN" over and over to a politely phrased question.

Ah-Idk: Padfoot is deeply enthusiastic about W3 and pretty much only about W3.
You'd be shocked by his general apathy if you met him in real life.
And look, I know you're not a fan of all male-parties, and the absolute last thing I want to do is "not all men" in your direction, but honestly, none of us are like those sexist pricks you're trying to avoid. I know the type, and it's not any of them.
Wormtail's username is silly, yes, but if you knew him you'd know it was entirely self-deprecating.
I think the five of us felt like a good fit while we were playing, right?

JosieBenn: Yeah, see, I've had people say that to me before, and wound up needing to call the police on the last person who did.
So yeah, playing with you guys was fun, but you learn to be cautious.

Ah-Idk: That sounds pretty traumatic.

JosieBenn: Without going into too much detail because going into detail is the LAST thing I want to be doing and I've definitely already said too much, yes it was.
And I don't want to go through it again.
The fact that I have to worry about this shit just to play a game I like is ridiculous in the first place.

Ah-Idk: I'm really sorry that you had to deal with that.
And there's not much I can do aside from promise you that we won't behave in that way, though I understand completely why you'd want to avoid risking that again.
But if you ever do want to join in, even just for one mission, you'd be more than welcome.

JosieBenn: I'll keep that in mind.
Thank you.

Ah-Idk: No problem.

*

Wizarding World Wars Private Chat

Participants: siriusblack, JosieBenn

Date/Time: Friday 5th July 2019, 6:56 p.m.

====================

siriusblack: So you'll happily talk to Moony but you won't talk to me?
When I've known you the longest?
When WE are the two who bonded?
What is it you want, Josie
Power?
Money?
Fame?
A smug sense of superiority? Being mates with us will give you that, we're all a bunch of clowns
I was serious about Prongs' Invisibility Cloak
Yeah, he'll bitch, but he'll get over it in 8 to 10 years
He's also got a cat. You want a cat?
Fuck it, you can have Prongs if you want, you into blokes?
Even if not, he's tall
Can reach high things
That's reasonably useful

JosieBenn: Oh no, you've found my one weakness!
However did you guess that I live in a house filled with shelves hung just out of reach?!
Please, send him to me now so I can have him reach for baking supplies and ravish him in a cloud of self-raising flour.

siriusblack: Oh good
So you'll join then
I'll tell the lads

JosieBenn: Jesus, NO, I don't want to join!

siriusblack: Why would you keep talking to me if you didn't want to join?

JosieBenn: Do I really need to point out that it's you doing most of the talking, and that you are mostly talking AT me?
You need other things in your life besides this game, mate.
This is borderline obsessive.

siriusblack: Funny, because you've not been offline once in the past seven hours.

JosieBenn: And? Firstly I don't harass people, unlike you.
Second, do you honestly think that stalking me is going to win you points?

siriusblack: Lol I'm not stalking you
That word denotes nefarious intent, and I'm not remotely interested in sleeping with you or sending you pictures of my cock
The game is important to us, we're none of us the creepers you apparently want us to be and you're the best player we've found in nearly three weeks
AND the only one we've all liked

JosieBenn: Lol WRONG
Your mate Bacon doesn't like me at all.

siriusblack: Bacon was having a moment
Bacon will quickly come around
You're funny, he likes funny
You're quick, he likes quick
It'll be fine
He's normally a laugh too, you just caught him in a mood the other night

JosieBenn: Yeah because you grim reaped his girlfriend, whatever that means.

siriusblack: LOL
Believe me, his girlfriend's a fucking moron, I was doing him a favour

JosieBenn: Doesn't sound like it.

siriusblack: Based on what?

JosieBenn: On the fact that people don't tend to get that upset when you do them favours?

siriusblack: Prongs gets upset whenever his mum pays a compliment to the Roomba, he'll be fine

JosieBenn: What makes his girlfriend such a moron, anyway?
You in love with him or something?

siriusblack: I'm aromantic and he's my brother, but nice try
You don't know his girlfriend and I do, that's what
Believe me, I live with him, I can tell when he's making a bad decision and SHE'S a bad decision.

JosieBenn: Even if you're right
Which I doubt
Why do you think that gives you the right to be a dick to his girlfriend?
You know his bad decisions are HIS bad decisions to make, right?
Honestly you sound impossible to live with.

siriusblack: This coming from the person who, essentially, called him a sexist pig

JosieBenn: And?
What do I owe the guy?
I don't know him from Adam. YOU'RE apparently his brother.
Maybe if you stopped treating his girlfriend like shit and offering his cat to random strangers on the internet just to get what you want, somebody BESIDES a feral rampaging possum with a penchant for punishing his house plants might actually WANT to join your party.

siriusblack: Thanks for the psychoanalysis, Dr Phil
Let me know when you've decided to join

JosieBenn: I genuinely wish I could punch you.

siriusblack: In game, love, do it in game

*

From: James Potter ([email protected])

To: Sirius Black ([email protected]), Remus Lupin ([email protected]), Peter Pettigrew ([email protected])

Date: Friday 5th July 2019, 7:06 p.m.

Subject: petition for the non-entry of josiebenn to the marauders alliance

====================

hi mates,

once again it is i, james lancelot potter, your fearless leader and registered member of the electorate, coming to you once more with a matter of utmost importance

further to our conversation of thursday 4th july 2019, vis-a-vis josiebenn, otherwise known as satan herself, i formally extend my reasoning as to why we need to refuse her entry to the party asap.

• she's really mean. like that's a given.
• didn't agree to loot splitting rules, took everything, left us almost destitute
• bullied everyone except remus
• it's only a matter of time before she gets remus
• she called me sexist, thereby insulting my parents who actually raised me to not be sexist
• she wrote my urgent relationship issue off as "personal drama" which means that she will not be open to the many serious and heartfelt discussions about our thoughts and feelings which, yes, are currently not a thing, but i've been considering creating a discord channel for that purpose and her being involved will throw a spanner in the works, ergo our mental health suffers, ergo we place further burden upon our understaffed and underfunded nhs
• i asked her for netflix recs and she was like "fuck off and die" which i believe i am quoting verbatim although i have not checked
• if you innocently mention that you've got an invisibility cloak she will treat you with rank sarcasm and accuse you of showing off for praise
• but she can brag about her protego bombs all day long and nobody's allowed to criticize her
• sirius keeps trying to give her my stuff so already she is breaking previously established bonds of trust within the group
• this basically means that she is yoko ono and i am paul mccartney and peter is ringo and remus you're the other one
• she uses our penises against us to win arguments
• do we honestly need a healer? what are they even good for? like aside from saving your life
• she doesn't even want to join anyway, so why even
• HOW DO WE KNOW SHE'S NOT CHARLES SEEKING REVENGE I'M SERIOUS

if she is charles we will all suffer

we shall reconvene at sunrise

jp

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Remus Lupin, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Friday 5th July 2019, 7:20 p.m.

====================

Remus Lupin: Put the peppermint schnapps down, for the love of god.

James Potter: :o HOW DID YOU KNOW?

*

Wizarding World Wars Private Chat

Participants: Ah-Idk, JosieBenn

Date/Time: Friday 5th July 2019, 7:27 p.m.

====================

Ah-Idk: I wouldn't be telling you this if I didn't think it would sway your mind in our favour.
(Call it a hunch)
But Prongs just sent us all a long rant protesting your entry to the party.

JosieBenn: LOL WHAT?

Ah-Idk: And I quote
"she wrote my urgent relationship issue off as "personal drama" which means that she will not be open to the many serious and heartfelt discussions about our thoughts and feelings which, yes, are currently not a thing, but i've been considering creating a discord channel for that purpose and her being involved will throw a spanner in the works, ergo our mental health suffers, ergo we place further burden upon our understaffed and underfunded nhs"
That one's my favourite.

JosieBenn: Oh my god
Oh my GOD

Ah-Idk: "she uses our penises against us to win arguments"

JosieBenn: LOL
I mean, accurate?

Ah-Idk: "i asked her for netflix recs and she was like "fuck off and die" which i believe i am quoting verbatim although i have not checked"

JosieBenn: Oh my GOOOOOOOOOOD BACONNNN

Ah-Idk: This kind of entertainment is exactly what you'll be missing out on if you don't join the party, by the way.

JosieBenn: Oh no.
What a loss that would be.
Because clearly he like
Loves me

Ah-Idk: That was my first thought too, ngl

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Lily Evans, Bonnie Grogan

Chat Resumed: Friday 5th July 2019, 7:35 p.m.

====================

Bonnie Grogan: Pick you up at 7 tomorrow morning?
I am SO excited to get back in my baby.
If we take the A50 we can get there in under an hour and a half but with traffic it could go either way, so I want to leave early.

Lily Evans: I would leave at 2am to get out of this house, I swear.
Pls rescue me from my sister and the festering dent that my arse has left in my computer chair.

Bonnie Grogan: That bad?

Lily Evans: Bonnie
It's the worst
I've
Well
I've
Don't judge me
But I've……sort of made friends with some boys on the internet

Bonnie Grogan: EW NO!
BOYS?

Lily Evans: BOYS

Bonnie Grogan: ON THE INTERNET?

Lily Evans: ON THE INTERNET

Bonnie Grogan: LILY NO
NO
WHY????

Lily Evans: I DON'T KNOW OKAY IT WAS TOTALLY UNPLANNED AND oneofthemisfunny?

Bonnie Grogan: ONE OF THEM? IS THE BAR THAT LOW?
I leave you alone for two fucking weeks and yer toppling over the edge of insanity.
Boys on the internet. Christ.

Lily Evans: Really funny
IN MY DEFENCE
REALLY
Note the emphasis

Bonnie Grogan: Oh okay. It's fine is one of them is REALLY funny.
Have fun listening to them talk about how they think Fight Club is better than Barbie in the Nutcracker or some shit.

Lily Evans: Oh my god, Bon

Bonnie Grogan: Let me know what they've named their pop culture podcast that they definitely have.

Lily Evans: BON

Bonnie Grogan: Hey will you ask them who their favourite Batman villain is?
No wait it's okay you don't need to it's the Joker.

Lily Evans: STOP before I choke on my croissant

*

Wizarding World Wars Private Chat

Participants: siriusblack, JosieBenn

Date/Time: Friday 5th July 2019, 8:48 p.m.

====================

JosieBenn: Okay I've thought about it.

siriusblack: And?

JosieBenn: I have some ground rules.

siriusblack: Go for it

JosieBenn: I don't do voice chat.
I don't talk about my personal life EVER.
I won't show my face.

siriusblack: I couldn't give less of a shit about your voice or your personal life or your face so that works for me
Tbh it's points in your favour

JosieBenn: Then I'm in.

siriusblack: Exxxxxxxxxxcellent
Can't wait to tell Prongs, he'll be sick

JosieBenn: You're a real prick, you know that?

siriusblack: Yes, yes I do

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Ah-Idk, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail

Channel: General
Resumed: Friday 5th July 2019, 9:03 p.m.

====================

Welcome, Josie. We hope you brought pizza.

Bacon4Algernon: WHAT

Josie: Oh hey

Bacon4Algernon: HOW ARE YOU HERE?

Josie: That's a question with many possible answers, isn't it?
Let's see
It's possible that somebody gave me the link.
It's possible that this is all a dream.
It's also possible that I was so desperate to speak to you again that I used my special coding skills to write a program that would auto-generate random Discord links until I found the one that led me to you, and to your previously-discussed penis.
Oh baby oh baby

Bacon4Algernon: flirting won't make me forgive you

Josie: HAH
Touché

Bacon4Algernon: SIRIUSSSSSSSSSSS
SHE'S SPEAKING FRENCH YOU BASTARD

Chapter Text

"I got my lip bust fighting, now there's blood on my top
And I'm still out looking for a party, somewhere to stop"
- Plan B

*

Wizarding World Wars Private Chat

Members: Ah-Idk, JosieBenn

Date/Time: Friday 5th July 2019, 9:07 p.m.

====================

Ah-Idk: What's this I see in the Discord?

JosieBenn: Oh yeah.
Surprise + jazz hands, etc.

Ah-Idk: Sirius won you over?

JosieBenn: It was Bacon's impassioned anti-me ranting that did it, honestly.

Ah-Idk: What's not to love about impassioned anti-you ranting?

JosieBenn: Right?!
Why would I ever deny myself that kind of top quality entertainment?

Ah-Idk: This will be just the push he needs to finally form Wings.

JosieBenn: Wings?

Ah-Idk: Right. Forgot to tell you.
He thinks that you are the Yoko Ono to his Paul McCartney.
I assume that makes Sirius John Lennon in this scenario.

JosieBenn: Because online gaming parties and The Beatles are the same?

Ah-Idk: I don't see a difference, personally.

JosieBenn: Well sure.
Which member did he say you were?

Ah-Idk: "the other one"

JosieBenn: Knowledgeable, isn't he?

Ah-Idk: Quite.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Ah-Idk, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Friday 5th July 2019, 9:09 p.m.

====================

Bacon4Algernon: SIRIUS
SIRIUS
SIRIUS
SIRIUS
SIRIUS
SIRIUS
SIRIUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
STOP IGNORING ME!!!

Josie: What are you shouting for, Bacon?
He can't hear you.

Bacon4Algernon: excuse me??!

Josie: I said, he can't hear you.
THEY can't hear you.
No one can hear you scream now.

Bacon4Algernon: HOW DID YOU KNOW
exactly how many of my mates have you been having nefarious private conversations with?!
i demand to know!

Josie: Lol what?

siriusblack: He's wondering how you know that I can't hear him

Josie: ????

siriusblack: I'm in my room listening to music and he's just burst in
Noise cancelling headphones
Currently enjoying his wide variety of facial expressions

Josie: Ah.
Obviously I didn't know that, I was just making a stupid joke.

siriusblack: Crossed wires, it happens

Bacon4Algernon: unfortunately i demand that you both desist in being friendly right this instant or suffer the consequences

Josie: A) On whose authority?
B) What consequences?
C) I think he's a bit of a prick if that helps?

Bacon4Algernon: on MINE and the consequences will be deeply devastating to you personally and NO it doesn't!
sirius WHY do you even like this person if she thinks you're a prick???

siriusblack: Have you MET me?

Bacon4Algernon: AND WHY ARE YOU HERE?

Josie: Who?

Bacon4Algernon: YOU, DEMON

Josie: Lol stop shouting.

Bacon4Algernon: !!!!!!!? i will not

Josie: You literally just did.
I told you to stop shouting and you stopped.
There wasn't even a transitory period.
Just instant obedience.

Bacon4Algernon: no it wasn't i just get tired of switching caps on
why are you here

Josie: Oh

Bacon4Algernon: you didn't even want to join now suddenly you're here?
you said you'd rather die than play with boys now suddenly you're HERE?

Josie: When did I say I'd rather die?

Bacon4Algernon: IT WAS IMPLIED
TONE
CONTEXT
CHARACTERISATION NARRATIVE THEME ETC
IT JUST SEEMS SUSPICIOUS
WHY ARE YOU HERE

Josie: Because I think you're really funny.

siriusblack: We are, it's true

Josie: Not you, just Bacon specifically.
I'm not using "you" as a collective term.

siriusblack: Hashtag wounded

Bacon4Algernon: fuck off that's a lie!

Josie: No it is not.

Bacon4Algernon: you don't fully join a party just because you think ONE person is funny

Josie: I did.
I'm here for you, hot stuff.

Bacon4Algernon: NO

Josie: It's true.

Bacon4Algernon: you're lying to torment me

Josie: I just couldn't stay away.

Bacon4Algernon: STOP

Josie: OKAY OKAY look I'm sorry!
I joined because I really enjoyed playing with you guys and I thought better of my decision AND I have a really good joke that will totally break the ice and heal our wounds, I promise.

Bacon4Algernon: seems fake no deal

Josie: No really, I mean it.
Honestly.
Are you ready for the joke?

Bacon4Algernon: i'm ready for you to take your jokes elsewhere

Josie: Pleeeeeaaaaasssssssse?
Pretty please?
With a cherry on top?

Bacon4Algernon: i will give you this one chance but only because of my preference for cherries

Josie: Okay.
Here goes.
(You'll love it I promise)
What did the demon say when she learned that you'd composed a strongly-worded, hate-fuelled rant in which you compared her to a Japanese multimedia artist commonly (unfairly) blamed for breaking up the Beatles, whilst likening yourself to Paul McfuckingCartney in what she can only assume was an absurd flex of your gargantuan ego?

Bacon4Algernon: you
NO
SIRIUS
NO

Josie: She said
Ono

Bacon4Algernon: SIRIUS

Josie: GET IT?
Because OH-NO?
I AM SO FUNNY
AREN'T I FUNNY BACON?
TELL ME I'M FUNNY BACON

Bacon4Algernon: SIRIUSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

siriusblack: LOL @Josie who told you about the email?

Ah-Idk: I did.

Bacon4Algernon: sdhderjwtf YOU moony???
YOU?

Ah-Idk: It was funny. Deserved to be shared.

Bacon4Algernon: THOSE WERE MY PERSONAL THOUGHTS
MY MOST PRIVATE THOUGHTS

Ah-Idk: Which you......emailed around?

Josie: Having private thoughts about me? You flirt.

Bacon4Algernon: to my close friends!
NO i have not had any thoughts like that this is ONLINE BULLYING

siriusblack: Yeah Josie, it's online bullying
Stop before he tells Melania Trump

Josie: I really don't care, do u?

Bacon4Algernon: ffs moony i would have expected this from sirius but not from you!

siriusblack: That's Lettuce to you

Bacon4Algernon: WHAT

siriusblack: You will call me Lettuce now, I've decided.
Wormtail's Tomato

Bacon4Algernon: asGoaskhgdsdomhewrawerrWHR

Ah-Idk: What does that make me, just out of interest?

siriusblack: You're Bread, Moony.
You're the glue that holds us all together

Ah-Idk: Touching.

Josie: You do have a starchy quality that I quite enjoy, it's true.

Bacon4Algernon: NO
NO
i did NOT agree to become the fucking BLT BOYS just because SHE said so!

Josie: The mere fact that you said BLT BOYS in all caps tells me that you secretly love it.

Wormtail: :O

Ah-Idk: That's bizarrely on the nose, as assessments go.

Bacon4Algernon: MOONY

siriusblack: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
She's got you pegged, mate

Josie: Can't believe I let you be the best part of the sandwich and you're still so ungrateful.

Bacon4Algernon: WHY ARE YOU ALL DOING THIS

Josie: @siriusblack Pls clarify that you don't mean pegged in a literal sense because I am not about that kind of innuendo.

siriusblack: I bet he'd let you peg him

Bacon4Algernon: i would NOT let her peg me i have a girlfriend!

Josie: So you're saying that you would let me peg you if you didn't?

Bacon4Algernon: NO

Josie: Well boo hoo hoo in that case.

Wormtail: COME ON PRONGS GET PEGGED
BUTTER THAT BACON

siriusblack: LOL
Good one

Wormtail: :D

Josie: Does that make me Butter in this deli-esque scenario?

siriusblack: Yes it does

Josie: Huh.
I guess I'm down.

Bacon4Algernon: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T ABOUT THAT KIND OF INNUENDO

Josie: That was until you got upset.
Plus I really like butter.
It's an excellent condiment.

Bacon4Algernon: butter's not even a condiment so like
ha ha
ha ha HA

Josie: Yes it is a condiment.

Bacon4Algernon: no it isn't a condiment

Josie: Yes it is.

Bacon4Algernon: no it isn't

Josie: Go and bloody Google it you floozy.

Bacon4Algernon: FLOOZY?

siriusblack: You two are gonna get married, I can tell

*

WhatsApp Group: Tits out 4 Sooty & Sweep

Members: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Friday 5th July 2019, 9:24 p.m.

====================

James Potter: why are you all doing this to me

Sirius Black: Ha

James Potter: i'm serious!
we got RID of charles because it wasn't fair to have someone in the party who any of us hated!
then you replace him without asking me
and with someone else i hate????

Peter Pettigrew: Why do you even hate her though?

James Potter: WHAT

Peter Pettigrew: She's a laugh!

James Potter: SHE HAS IT IN FOR ME PETER
she didn't WANT to join! not until she realised she could torture me!
who joins a party just to torture someone?!?
do you know what that MEANS, peter??

Peter Pettigrew: No?

James Potter: it means, peter, that her venomous bloodlust is stronger than her principles!
HER PRINCIPLES, PETER
people who value their principles are the backbone of a better world, peter!
the backbone, peter!
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THAT BACKBONE BREAKS, PETER?

Peter Pettigrew: Please stop saying my name for emphasis, I am not five.

James Potter: oh that's just GREAT
now her attitude is rubbing off on peter!

Remus Lupin: James, you have roughly two principles and one of them is "France is bad."
She's not trying to torture you.
If anything, she seems to like you best.
You're overreacting.

Peter Pettigrew: What's the other principle?

Sirius Black: That Euphemia's Roomba is out to get him

Peter Pettigrew: Lololololol

James Potter: firstly those aren't principles, they're just valid truths about the hard reality of life that i've learned to deal with much as it pains me to do so
secondly i'm sick of being treated like this
what about brotherhood? what about friendship?! and respect?

Remus Lupin: This isn't worth getting worked up about.
She's joking around, that's all. It's no different to how we all joke with each other, and if it doesn't work out, I'm sure we can ask her to leave the party and she won't mind.
Give her a chance, at least.
She gave us one, even though she doesn't like all-male parties.

James Potter: she's not giving us a chance, she's trying to hurt me

Peter Pettigrew: You enjoyed playing with her until she made fun of you after!
She made fun of all of us and nobody else cared!

James Potter: whatever, i'm turning off my phone

Sirius Black: Ignore him
He's only sulking because he didn't get to pick Charles's replacement

James Potter: that's not why

Sirius Black: Yes it is

James Potter: it's because i didn't get a say!
it wasn't democratic!

Sirius Black: Yes it is democratic because the rest of us want her in, just like the rest of you agreed to boot Charles when I didn't want to
And you said no to everyone I suggested

James Potter: because they were all shite!

Sirius Black: Yeah? And she's good
What does it even matter to you that we picked her?
You're around much less than the rest of us anyway

James Potter: oh my god
oh my GOD
i know what this is

Sirius Black: Sure you do

James Potter: i DO know what this is!
this is about georgia, isn't it?!

Remus Lupin: What?

James Potter: YES
yes of course it is!
sirius hates her!
this is just a punishment, isn't it?!
you don't want to put up with her so you're making me put up with josie, isn't it?!
THAT'S WHY YOU'RE DOING THIS
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU

Sirius Black: The only part of that accusation that's even remotely true is that I hate Georgia, but I have better ways to deal with her than putting the party in jeopardy
I asked Josie to join because she's a good player, don't be a dick and pretend that I've ever had any other reason
At least I was proactive in finding someone when you didn't give a shit

James Potter: ME a dick?
when all you've done is treat georgia like shit??
since day one????

Sirius Black: I treat everyone like shit, so what?

James Potter: not your precious JOSIE

Sirius Black: I like my precious JOSIE

James Potter: well fuck, sirius
sorry that i don't have as much free time or whatever, but taking it out on georgia is fucked up
she never did anything to hurt you

Sirius Black: She exists, isn't that enough?

Remus Lupin: Don't start this, either of you.

Peter Pettigrew: Yeah don't fight, it's not worth it.

Remus Lupin: If you want to fight, you're sitting in the same room. Have this conversation in private if you need to.

James Potter: no we're not
i went back to my room
suppose you'll just screenshot anything i say in here and send it to josie anyway

Remus Lupin: For god's sake, I shared a small part of the most performative email I've ever read in my bloody life, and she found it so funny that she changed her mind about joining.
Somehow, I don't think that means she has it in for you.

James Potter: did you miss the entire conversation i just had with her?

Remus Lupin: Did you?

James Potter: that is the end of the line, i'm done, i'm turning off my phone

Sirius Black: Yeah, you do that

James Potter: FINE

*

Sirius wasn't speaking to James.

He hadn't specifically said that he wasn't speaking to James, but James knew it to be true because he went into his room to confront him about Josie, only for Sirius to shove his noise cancelling headphones over his ears with a cheerful, "Not in the mood, mate!" before belly-flopping onto his bed.

Then they had a row in the group chat.

Then Algernon piled on by vomiting beneath James's bed.

Then, once he'd finished cleaning said vomit, James trudged down to the kitchen for a consoling glass of smooth orange juice, only to find an empty carton sitting in the fridge, which neither of his parents would have been responsible for because they were savages who drank the orange juice with bits in it, and that carton was healthily full.

It was at that point that James lost the plot completely, ran back upstairs, burst into the bathroom and vented his frustrations by unplugging Sirius's electric toothbrush, which was charging in the shaver socket. It was a great revenge, and would have ruined Sirius's Saturday morning ritual if James hadn't gotten out of bed at one in the morning, racked with guilt, and plugged it back in.

When he woke up the next morning, James remembered that he had been the one who put the empty orange juice carton back in the fridge.

All in all, it wasn't one of his finer weekends.

Nobody would give him any sympathy.

He tried his best to court some, petitioning his mates and then his parents for a willing ear to bend to his woes, but Remus decreed that he and Peter "weren't getting involved," while his dad looked up from his iPad for just long enough to suggest that James and Sirius apologise to each other, proving that he hadn't even listened to his son, the one innocent victim in all of this. It was Sirius who was at fault, and only Sirius. He was the one who hated Georgia for no reason, just as he was the scoundrel who first invited Beelzebub herself into their party, even though she'd done her best to end James's life during their first post-game chat.

James might as well have been the dirt that the bloody Roomba sucked up, as far as his family was concerned. Even the cat, who generally ignored Sirius because he could sense that he was a dog person, was totally unsympathetic. After listening to James unload his problems for ten minutes, Algernon calmly hacked up a furball and assumed his most judgemental pose, staring him dead in the eyes until he got up from his bedroom and left to find his mum.

"Nobody understands me," he lamented, sinking to the ground beside Euphemia's dressing table.

"You're a millionaire who went crying to his mother because a girl on the internet was mean to you," replied his mum, who was trying to follow a "Moon Goddess" makeup tutorial on YouTube and evidently believed that some influencer was more worthy of love than her own flesh and blood. "Nobody should want to understand you."

That was as much as he could take.

Emotionally annihilated by his mum's cruelty, James pulled out his phone and composed a text to his more sympathetic girlfriend. They met for a bite to eat in Melissa's Kitchen an hour later, where Georgia promptly set about laying the balm of kindness upon the many wounds his heart had suffered.

Sadly, she also ordered a BLT for lunch, which felt rather like the universe was playing a cosmic joke at James's expense.

"You poor thing!" she cooed, suitably horrified, once they'd gotten their food and he had laid out the sad story of the evil Josie's induction into their motley crew. "You're having the worst luck with that game, aren't you?"

"The worst," James mumbled, scowling into his strawberry milkshake and hoping that he looked handsomely tragic.

"And none of them even warned you that she was joining?"

"Remus says he didn't know," he intoned, though he knew where Remus could stick his lies. "He said she'd refused when he spoke to her privately, if you can believe that. Then apparently she went to Sirius and said she'd changed her mind."

"Right."

"She's conspiring against me, I swear."

"And he just...invited her in?" Georgia's pearly grey eyes were as wide as old timey sovereigns. She didn't even flinch when another customer bumped into her chair on his way to the toilet. "Without even speaking to you about it?"

"I mean, he'd been pretty clear before on wanting her in the party—"

"But he didn't speak to you after she asked to join?"

"—and everyone else wanted her too, which I guess is sort of similar to the Charles thing, but—"

"But the decision was made without you? He didn't give you the option to weigh in?"

"I'd already weighed in, I sent them all an immensely compelling email full of facts and figures, she just—"

"I honestly can't believe this," said Georgia, her knuckles going white as she squeezed her coffee mug in indignation, and the amorphous anxiety that had been whirling in James's chest since the moment Josie popped up in Discord seemed to take physical form and crowd his organs. "Actually, no, I can believe this, none of this is unexpected. Of course he'd try to assert his dominance just because he thinks it's funny to hurt you—"

"It was all of them, not just—"

"—because your feelings are just a big joke to him, aren't they?" she continued. The tempo of her voice picked up as she gathered a head of steam. "He doesn't care about how things affect you, he doesn't care that your family's done everything for him and asked for nothing in return, as long as he gets to have a laugh, right? He knows there'll be no consequences for him!"

"I mean, that's not really—"

"I just hate seeing you be treated like this by someone who's supposed to be grateful to you, babe!" She let go of her cappuccino and reached across the table, looking for his hand, so James had no choice but to put down the ketchup smeared chip he'd speared with his fork and let her take it. "And I wish you'd tell your parents about it."

"I did tell my parents."

"Right, but were you totally open about it?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, did you sit down with them and fully explain what he's doing?"

He stared at her blankly. "Why would I need to do that?"

"Because they're the ones who took responsibility for him in the first place?" she supplied, as if this answer was staring them both in the face. "How are they supposed to fix this problem if they don't know what it is?"

She was so earnest, gazing at him with adoring, uninhibited sweetness and stroking his palm with her thumb, finally giving him the sympathy that he had been searching for all morning, and it curdled in his soul like sour milk.

Why did they keep circling back to this?

Why was she still so convinced that he was being bullied when he'd told her, numerous times, that he wasn't, and that Sirius was just being Sirius?

And what did she mean by grateful?

His insides had gone cold.

"Fix it how?" he asked lightly, trying to sound as if it was a question of very little importance. He gave his hair a casual, "I'm definitely not panicking about this" ruffle, and would have narrowed his eyes in comical suspicion, too, except that this actually felt quite serious.

"I dunno," she said, "maybe they could—"

Except he couldn't help himself. "You don't mean kick him out, do you?"

Georgia dropped his hand like it was on fire and returned hers to the safety of her mug, two spots of bright red blooming in her cheeks. "Of course not!"

"Because that's not an option, alright?" he swiftly informed her, his words fighting to tumble out of his mouth at speed. "He's my brother and I know he can be a bit of a shit sometimes but—but that's just what lads can be like and I can't believe I've just used the word lads but it's not, he's not—and he's family, yeah? Sometimes families just—"

"I'm not saying that they should kick him out, that would be evil!" Georgia cried, looking so horrified by the suggestion that James immediately realised how wildly he had veered from her point. "I meant that they could have a conversation with him about his behaviour, god."

This was all wrong.

All he'd wanted to do was moan about his woes for a bit, not be painted as the victim of a relentless bullying campaign, or upset his girlfriend, but both had happened within the last sixty seconds.

Georgia wasn't supposed to be so militant about this, she was supposed to...well, James didn't know what she was supposed to do, except that it wasn't this, that she and Sirius had gotten each other all wrong and he couldn't see a way to correct it, and that he whined about shit all the time and nobody else ever took it as seriously as she was taking it. This was just how things were. His friends and family were so used to him acting this way that it was never called into question. How was he supposed to explain something that he didn't fully understand?

"I didn't mean—I'm sorry," he mumbled, face flaming.

"You know, you say it's all just jokes with Sirius," she coldly accused, "but he treats me like shit and all you've done lately is talk about how badly he treats you, too, so clearly it isn't all jokes, but I can't even suggest that you do anything about it because that makes me the arsehole."

"You're not an ars—"

"Whatever." Georgia slouched into her chair and stared sulkily at the blue slatted wall, twisting her coffee mug around and around on the table. "Even when you're the one being dumped on, you side with him every time."

She looked so hurt.

She was so hurt.

Why the hell had he assumed something so nefarious when Georgia—who had dutifully supported her own brother when he got arrested for possession and her parents responded by kicking him out of the house—was the last person who ever would have suggested turning a family member away? Was he completely insane? Was he really that bullheaded where his brother was concerned?

James cast his mind about for somebody else to blame, but it made him feel a little ill.

"That's not—" There was no easy example for him to whip out that could have refuted her claim, and the nauseated feeling intensified. "Alright, that might be...sort of true, yeah."

Georgia let out a quiet little "harumph" as she crossed her arms over her chest. She didn't take her eyes off the wall.

"I'm really sorry," he offered again. "I'm too sensitive when it comes to Sirius, and I shouldn't have brought him up."

"No," she curtly agreed, "you shouldn't have."

"Can we just—" Trying to find the right thing to say at this juncture felt dangerous, like trying to diffuse a ticking bomb while his favourite WWE wrestlers watched and threatened to lose all respect for him if he failed, or while his relationship with his girlfriend seemed to hang precariously in the balance. "Can we talk about something else instead? Please?" This time, it was James who held his hand out for her to take. "I don't want us to fight, I'll figure the Sirius thing out myself and never make you feel like an arsehole again, okay? I swear it on pain of death."

She glanced briefly at his outstretched fingers, but made no effort to move her own.

"What about your party?" he suggested. Georgia's parents were throwing an all-out 18th birthday bash for her and her twin brother at the end of the month, but the preparations were proving immensely stressful. "I know for a fact that you want to talk about that."

Her stoic expression twitched, just a fraction. "Only a bit."

"Did you pick out a dress?"

"No."

"Because I was thinking that, I dunno, I could go shopping with you once we finish eating and wait very, very patiently while you try a bunch of them on?"

Georgia narrowed her eyes in partially-amused suspicion, which was a heartening step up from her determined staring contest with the restaurant wall.

"Wouldn't you get bored?" she asked.

"What, me?" James assumed an innocent expression. "You think I'd get bored of watching my gorgeous girlfriend model pretty dresses all day? Me?"

The partially-amused suspicion became a flat, slightly more amused stare. "I think you'd get bored in five minutes, to be honest."

"On my honour as a gentleman and as a student of my mum's, I will be deeply fascinated by every single dress."

"What if I try on a jumpsuit?"

"Dresses and jumpsuits, I love them all."

"And this is your way of apologising, is it?"

"Yeah," he admitted without shame, "and of making sure that I get invited."

Finally, he cracked it, Georgia's mouth dropped open, the animation returning to her face. "You're already invited!"

"See, you say that, but I've been checking the post every morning..."

"You'll get your invitation, don't worry," she gently chided, and swatted at his hand before she pressed her palm snugly against his. "Mum's still warring with the calligrapher over font choice, you try telling her to hurry up when she gets like that."

"Is she letting Hugo come?"

"So he can tell everyone that Oxbridge kicked him out?" She let out a humourless laugh. "I've begged her to let me invite him, but Mum would rather lock him up in a dungeon than let that happen, and never mind Hugo, at this point I'll be lucky if she lets Aubrey turn up to his own bloody party."

"Wait, what?" James's relief at winning Georgia back fluttered away as quickly as it had appeared. "What's happened with Aubrey now?"

"Oh, he's saying that he's going to reject his uni offers and do an apprenticeship with Toni & Guy," Georgia sighed, "which is just Aubrey being Aubrey, as usual, but you'd think that was worse than having a son who beats up strangers in pubs, if you listen to the way my snobby mum and her stupid, snobby twat friends go on. Nothing like the shame of having a hairstylist for a son, I guess."

"Hey now, my mum's one of those stupid, snobby friends," James jokingly warned.

"Your mum is nice. She takes in neglected runaways," Georgia retorted, with a wry smile. "Mine would have slammed the door in his face."

"Mine would probably ask for free haircuts, if I was Aubrey," James mused aloud. "Not from me, obviously, but from a more experienced colleague."

Georgia's laugh this time was genuine, if weak. "Probably, yeah."

"Since when has Aubrey wanted to do hair for a living, anyway?"

"Hah, since never?"

"Then why would he do the apprenticeship?"

"I don't know, to piss off Mum?" she suggested. "To put even more pressure on me and Guinevere to be our parents' faultless children? The only future that he and Hugo actually care about is the one where Mum's big imagined legacy is destroyed, I don't think either of them have thought much about where they'll end up when that's all over."

James's guilt racked up another level.

It was a wonder that Georgia stayed with him when her family's issues were so real compared to the shit he moaned about on a daily basis. He didn't have a philandering father or a cruel, narcissistic mother, and the one brother he did have had never expressed an interest in setting foot in a Wetherspoons, let alone brawling with a drunken construction worker at the one in Victoria Station.

"That's rough," he told her, encasing her soft, warm hand in both of his, "and really not fair on you. I'm so sorry."

"It's fine, it's not your fault," said Georgia gently. "It would just be nice to enjoy our birthday and have all of my siblings there without all of this aggro, you know?"

"I know. I wish I could help."

"Brothers can just be such a nightmare," she lamented, and buried her head in her free hand.

"Oh, don't I know it," James wisely agreed.

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Lily Evans, Mary Macdonald

Chat Resumed: Saturday 6th July 2019, 11:41 a.m.

====================

Lily Evans: Did you know about this?

Mary Macdonald: Yea babe I know everything.

Lily Evans: THANKS you wretched evil hellion from the depths of damnation, I feel better knowing that EVERYBODY went behind my back.

Mary Macdonald: U r welcome sweetie x
Just out of curiosity, what am I supposed to have known about?

Lily Evans: Bonnie inviting Liam to Alton Towers???

Mary Macdonald: Oh
Hahaha
Yeah, I definitely didn't know about that.

Lily Evans: Mary you JUST said

Mary Macdonald: And I stand by what I just said, what's even the problem with Holland being there, aren't you skipping in the clouds?

Lily Evans: The PROBLEM is that I look like I've spent the past two weeks gaming in my bedroom like an unsexy hermit.

Mary Macdonald: Babe, that's exactly what you've been doing.

Lily Evans: And that needs to translate to my appearance because...?

Mary Macdonald: Idk, because you let it happen?
Run a brush through your hair between wizard duels next time, if it bothers you that much.
Also I saw Bon's Insta this morning, you look FINE.

Lily Evans: Fine isn't great, Mary.
Fine is just fine.
Fine is the bare minimum.
I'm ashamed of myself for caring but I DO, at the very least I'd like to look NICE.

Mary Macdonald: The bare minimum is the best you can expect from most of those weird little boy creatures, good on you for not trying.
Anyway you have boobs and boobs are the only thing they care about.
Those and whatever hole they're trying to stick it in.
Bend over and show him your anus if he stares for too long at your invisible imperfections, you Hollywood-looking clown.

Lily Evans: Lovely, thanks.

Mary Macdonald: I'm a classy broad.

Lily Evans: He's brought his cousin with him again too.

Mary Macdonald: URGH NO
Shitty James?

Lily Evans: SHITTY FUCKING JAMES

Mary Macdonald: I HATE THAT GUY

Lily Evans: WHO DOESN'T HATE THAT GUY?

Mary Macdonald: NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR HOT TAKES ON OVERWEIGHT COSPLAYERS, SHITTY JAMES.

Lily Evans: I DON'T NEED YOU TO EXPLAIN MARVEL MOVIES TO ME AND TO THE WAITRESS AT GIRAFFE BECAUSE I SAID SHE LOOKED LIKE ELIZABETH OLSEN, SHITTY JAMES

Mary Macdonald: BAG OF DICKS

Lily Evans: ARROGANT PRICK

Mary Macdonald: SHITTY JAMES

Lily Evans: SHITTY JAMES

Mary Macdonald: I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY

Lily Evans: I FUCKING HATE HIM TOO

*

Liam Holland's cousin, Shitty James—who had bought himself, and only himself, a Fastpass Platinum at Alton Towers so that he could skip all of the lines—threw up all over himself after riding Nemesis three times in a row because, in his own words, "I can handle that noise, I'm actually High-G trained," and was discovered in a heap on the ground after Liam, Lily and Bonnie made it through the queue once and finally got off the ride.

"I'm fine," Shitty James insisted, running a hand over his bleached buzz cut, as if to remind them that he was tougher than Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham combined because he had a buzz cut in the first place. "This is just food poisoning, it was that fucking Greggs I had for breakfast!"

"It's strange that you think motion sickness is actually worse than food poisoning," Bonnie pointed out, quite fairly, Lily believed.

"Oh, piss off, Grogan," he snarled.

"Piss off yourself, Stick," said Bonnie calmly.

"My name is Stone, not Stick," Shitty James Stick-or-Stone reminded her.

There was a chunk of something orange on his upper lip.

The whole debacle, Lily thought, was a fine, fitting metaphor for the day that was in it. Between the damp, foggy mist—too lazy to bite the bullet and be proper rain, too big of an arsehole to vanish altogether and let them have a bloody scrap of sun—in the air, Bonnie's flat tyre on the A50 and Liam jogging up to them both at the entrance to the park with his shitty cousin in tow and an buoyant, "Here you both are!" just as Lily was stuffing a powdered jam doughnut into her gob, the shine had definitely worn off their big adventure.

She could have stayed at home and actually tried to start packing her things.

Even better, she could have popped into the Discord and asked her Boys on the Internet if they fancied an impromptu game of W3, then ragged on Bacon a bit because she actually kind of loved him, even though he was also kind of a prat who made hyperenergetic anime characters look pretty chilled-out in comparison.

Even better still, she and Bonnie could have done something together, just the two of them, which was what she'd thought they were doing in the first place, and possibly what Bonnie realised at the moment her big surprise appeared and all hope drained from Lily's face.

Now here she was, watching Shitty James wipe his shitty puke from his shitty, sweaty chin.

Josie could have been warding off a Lethifold with the Patronus charm she'd recently unlocked, right at this minute.

"Jay, mate," said a much amused Liam, and knocked his cousin's Fred Perry trainer with his toe. "You need to go to the infirmary."

Shitty James glared up at him, aghast. "For motion sickness?!"

"Thought it was food poisoning?"

"It could be either, could be something worse," said Lily, "none of us are actually medically trained."

"I'll take him to the infirmary," said Bonnie, before Shitty James could open his mouth to retort, "that way I can soothe the nurse with my lovely Irish voice when Stick inevitably acts like a prick and alienates himself."

Lily blinked a few times in exaggerated surprise, but didn't miss the significant look Bonnie threw her. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, 'course I'm sure." Bonnie leaned sideways and hooked her hand beneath Shitty James's armpit. "Get up off the ground, you child, people are staring."

"I can get up by myself, Grogan," Shitty James protested, but allowed himself to be hauled up and set on his feet anyway, though he made a big show of dusting off his clothes when he was upright, as if Bonnie—rather than the contents of his own stomach, or the ground that he'd been foetal-positioned on—had ruined his whole outfit just by touching him.

"Get going then," Bonnie instructed, and shoved him in the direction of Mutiny Bay. To Lily and Liam she added, "text me and tell me where you are in a bit," which, of course, was code for "text me once you've spent a long-ass time alone and possibly, hopefully, snogged him like you've been wanting to forever," because Bonnie was a supportive and amazing goddess, even though her timing had been pretty terrible today.

Left alone with the very-good-mate she'd had a very-inconvenient crush on for three-to-five years—depending on which of her friends you asked—Lily casually combed her fingers through her rapidly frizzing ponytail and tried, like Anne of Green Gables, to imagine that she was wearing something cute and cunningly clinging, rather than an oversized Mick Foley t-shirt that had belonged to her dad in the nineties, watching with a very warm face as Bonnie's curly black top-knot bobbed its way through the milling crowd.

"You know he's not actually High-G trained, right?" Liam pointed out, just as their companions vanished.

"Amazingly, something told me not to trust his word on that one."

"Just checking," he said, smiling at her in that soft, annoying, charming, adorably boyish way that he often did. "Fancy going on Rita?"

"Sure," she agreed.

Off they went at once, briefly splitting apart to circumvent a gang of screaming preteen girls, and the harassed looking woman who was corralling them onto the queue for The Blade like a sheepdog herding ewes.

"I'd have thought he'd put up more of a fight than that, to be honest," she shortly remarked, once they'd come back together and were strolling past a doughnut stall on their way to the ride, "but he just let her take him."

"Eh, a woman was actually touching him," replied Liam. "Jay's never gonna pass that up."

"He knows that Bonnie's like, super into girls, right?"

"Nah, haven't told him."

"Why not?

"Because he wouldn't leave her alone if he knew she was super into girls."

"Right, wow." She pulled a face of disgust. "How fucking delightful."

Liam sent her a sheepish, sideways smile. "You know that I'm really sorry about him, right?"

"You always are, don't worry about it."

"It's just that he's staying with us for a bit 'cause Aunt Bev and Uncle Phil are on this cruise, and Mum insisted—"

"Really—"

"I think she was looking for a reason to get him out of the house, honestly—"

"No, really, it's totally fine, it's cool," Lily assured him, lifting her hands as a placating gesture. "I'm used to him by now, he's all talk and not much else."

"Try living with him for half the year," said Liam, with a dark look that flitted across his face and vanished just as quick—he was too naturally inclined towards sunniness to stray for too long in the gloom. "I was surprised when Bonnie invited me to come today, to be honest, figured you were both avoiding him and that's why I haven't seen either of you since exams."

"I honestly didn't even know he was staying with you."

"Ah, I see," he said, and nudged her arm with his elbow, grinning slyly. "So you just hate me, do you?"

"No I don't hate you!" she squeak-laughed in delight.

"But I haven't seen you in weeks, so…"

"No, really!" Lily returned the elbow, prodding him lightly in the side. "I've just been really busy packing up my room for uni and, like, reading a lot," she lied, thinking of Bacon's histrionics. "And Bon’s just got back from Spain, so."

"Okay, well, that part I believe, she's very tanned," Liam graciously allowed.

"So she's off the hook for having other plans, but I'm not?"

"I mean, if you'd rather pack stuff into boxes than hang out with me…"

"Shut up," she scolded, but with a harder elbow this time, which only made him laugh and tug gently at her hair, because Liam Holland loved to laugh, often and with gusto, loved it even more than his cousin loved gatekeeping films about superheroes, and he knew how to make other people laugh right along with him.

Liam Holland was just...just lovely in general. He always had been lovely, lovely and likeable and hygienic and perpetually relaxed, so much so that even Mary—who didn't like anyone and held a particularly special sort of spite in her heart for teenage boys—considered herself Team Holland where matters of Lily's heart were concerned. He was clever and funny, got along with almost everyone he met, his hair was the colour of treacle and he had a list of goals and self-set challenges that ran longer than Lily's arm, but despite all that ambition, nothing ever really seemed to faze him. He probably could have faced a zombie apocalypse with a shrug of his shoulders and an enlightened acceptance of his fate, which spoke to an energy that Lily reckoned she could have absorbed and used to her advantage during stressful moments in her life, if being around him didn't make her so bloody nervous.

She and Liam had been chums for a really long time, since they were kids, really, and almost every mutual acquaintance they shared—from Mary to Petunia and even Liam's own mother, Jeanette—was convinced that they were bound to make a go of it eventually, which was, if she was being honest with herself, a big part of why Lily had fallen for the guy in the bloody first place.

She just didn't have a single bloody idea of how he felt.

"What have you been doing while you longed for my company anyway?" she asked him, rather than admit to any of this. They were passing beneath the tyre-shaped entrance to the coaster, and the last thing she wanted was to confess her innermost feelings and get rejected in the middle of a 45 minute queue. "Aside from hiding on your cousin under the covers, which is a given that I don't need you to confirm."

"Working all the bloody time," he griped, in a droll impression of his cousin, "and Dad’s finally started building that extension on our house, so he’s been forcing me and Jay to help him out. I haven't actually had a real day off since the exams."

"Is your mum letting him get that hot tub he wanted?"

"I think Mum’s ready to divorce him over the hot tub," he chuckled. "And speaking of angry women, where's Macdonald?"

"In Scotland all summer."

"What’s she doing there?"

"Staying with her grandparents, trying to find a flat before September and, I dunno...battling the wind?"

Liam grinned appreciatively at her, admittedly, lacklustre humour. Lily wasn't at her best when she was damp from drizzle, feeling immensely unattractive and fresh off an inverted roller coaster with two corkscrews and a sickening vertical loop. "Is that for uni?"

"Yeah."

"She’s not staying in digs?"

"Nah, her daddy’s rich, Mary gets her own special flat."

"And you're still hoping to get into Kingston?"

"Yup, still my top choice."

"Mine too," he said with relish, "can't bloody wait for September."

"Because you'll finally get to escape from Tough Guy Jay?"

"Nah, Evans." He slung his arm around her shoulders and pulled her that bit closer, her hip knocking against his. "Because you'll have to come and hang out with me when we're in Kingston."

Lily's face grew warmer still, but it was a glowing, buzzing, electrical kind of warmth.

And yeah, the sun did not come peeping out from behind the drizzling clouds, but had it felt inclined to finally make an appearance, that absolutely would have been the moment.

Maybe Bonnie's timing wasn't terrible, after all.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Ah-Idk, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Saturday 6th July 2019, 10:22 p.m.

====================

Josie: Question, do you guys have a regular day to play or not?
Since, y'know, nobody's ventured that information.
I'm trying to avoid falling into a procrastination sinkhole and maintain some semblance of a social life as well as looking for a summer job so it would be good to have a set time to schedule in.

Bacon4Algernon: if you don't have much free time i guess you should leave
byeeeee! there's the door

Josie: I'm getting a summer job before uni, Bacon, not setting sail to spend six months on an oil rig.
Nice try though.

Ah-Idk: Do oil rigs get the internet, I wonder?
Also, our regular day is Wednesday and we usually start around 7.

Josie: Hmm
Google says...yes they do?
Although no phone signal, which makes sense, I suppose.

siriusblack: Wednesday used to be our regular day until Prongs surgically attached himself to his girlfriend's face

Bacon4Algernon: shut up sirius

siriusblack: Now, who knows when he'll show up?
Would I recognise him if he did? Dunno, he's never here

Josie: FFS, this telenovela bullshit again?
Do you have any idea how petty you sound? I joined this party to play W3, not listen to you whinge about his girlfriend.
Stop being a dick to her and maybe you'll see him more often.
I mean Jesus, it's not that hard!

Bacon4Algernon: HAH
SEE?
EVEN SATAN HERSELF, SITTING ON HER THRONE OF SKULLS AND CHEWING ON THE GRISTLE OF A REAL HUMAN HEART, AGREES WITH ME

Josie: Oh pipe down, Fernando.
If he's this bloody upset about it, he's obviously feeling shut out. Take a cold shower and spend some time with him once in a while.

Wormtail: ......

Ah-Idk: Well.

Bacon4Algernon: you know what?
i didn't ask for free therapy

Josie: It's free relationship counselling and I'm deeply, deeply sorry, next time I'll write you out an invoice.

Bacon4Algernon: nice try but i'm not your gravy train, get a summer job at mcdonalds with the rest of your kind

Josie: My kind?

siriusblack: He means poor people
Assuming you're one of those

Bacon4Algernon: i mean soulless, joy-sucking vampires, sirius!
which you well know!
i don't judge people for being poor!
i would never judge someone for being poor! my mum was poor once!

Josie: I'm sorry, but I'm stuck on the fact that you think behind the counter at McDonalds is where vampires tend to hang out.

Bacon4Algernon: alright listen to me for a second

Wormtail: Ah fuck

Bacon4Algernon: i ordered
a 20 nugget sharebox

siriusblack: Not the fucking sharebox
Not again
Every fucking month!
He menstruates this fucking story!

Bacon4Algernon: with two different dips
TWO

Wormtail: No
No Prongs PLEASe

Bacon4Algernon: i asked for ketchup and bbq!
the simplest dips!

Wormtail: No I can'T

Bacon4Algernon: and a large fries
with a strawberry shake
and when i took it home
excited
hungry
ready to consume the meal that I HAD ORDERED AND PAID FOR
BECAUSE MAYBE CAPITALISM IS WRONG BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I SHOULDN'T GET WHAT I SPEND MY MONEY ON
THERE I AM WITH MY BOX

Ah-Idk: His sharebox was short six nuggets, they gave him sweet chilli sauce only, and Hamlet took less time to kill his uncle than he'll take to finish this story if someone doesn't finish it for him.

Josie: Wow.

Bacon4Algernon: I AM TELLING THE STORY MOONY NOT YOU

Ah-Idk: And now the story's told.

Josie: That must have been so annoying.
Six nuggets missing?!
What ineffective service!

Bacon4Algernon: it WAS ineffective!

Wormtail: Please don't encourage him!

Josie: Ineffective and negligent!
How did it make you feel when you opened the box?

Bacon4Algernon: VERY DISTRESSED

Josie: Well yeah!
Anyone would be!

Bacon4Algernon: AND ALSO BETRAYED
BY MCDONALDS
WHO COUNTS OUT FOURTEEN NUGGETS AND THINKS "YEAH THAT'S TWENTY"??

Josie: Idk man
Who says they don't want free therapy and then immediately avails of it?
The world is full of weirdos.

Wormtail: Lollllllllllllllllllllll

Bacon4Algernon: you know what josie?

Josie: What?

Bacon4Algernon: you know what?
you know WHAT?

Josie: Please. I'm riveted, what?

Bacon4Algernon: i will never
ever
EVER
let you peg me

siriusblack: I think she just did mate

Josie: HAH

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Private Chat

Members: Bacon4Algernon, Josie

Started: Saturday 6th July 2019, 10:37 p.m.

====================

Bacon4Algernon: just for your information i don't actually think i'm like paul mccartney OR blame yoko ono for breaking up the beatles or even LIKE paul mccartney in the first place i was just making a hilarious observation because i'm the comedian of the group and YOU'RE the one who decided to take it the wrong way YOU'RE the one who assumes that i'm some sexist who blames women for the downfall of bands and YOU'RE the one who thinks i'd compare myself to paul mccartney as a COMPLIMENT to myself when anyone who actually KNOWS me knows that i am PLAGUED by self-doubt and that my retro music of choice is 80s pop, but go ahead and make your judgements josie, see if i even care what you think

Josie: Are you a device that uses light to cast slides or film onto a screen?

Bacon4Algernon: wtf no???

Josie: Because honey
You are
~*projecting*~

Bacon4Algernon: WHAT

Josie: A whooollllle lot of fiction
Right onto my screen

Bacon4Algernon: HA HA EXCEPT THAT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY

Josie: Right, of course, because as the comedian of the group, you are the ultimate authority on what's funny and what isn't.

Bacon4Algernon: THAT'S NOT EVEN WHAT I MEANT

Josie: Oh mighty great one, oh man with penis, lest I forget

Bacon4Algernon: why are we even having this conversation I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU

Josie: We are having this conversation because you started this conversation.

Bacon4Algernon: you will DEEPLY regret your slander when i contact the authorities

Josie: Oh damn, tell your mum I'm super scared.

Chapter Text

"You rubbed an ice cube on my chest
Snapped me 'til it hurt"
- Babybird

*

Wizarding World Wars Homepage

HOGWARTS SECRETS SCAVENGER HUNT EVENT

24 HOUR CHALLENGE

Successfully complete 5 Hogwarts Scavenger Hunt challenges and collect 5 silver Quaffles for one month of unlimited Floo travel

Time Remaining: 23 hrs 16 mins 31 secs

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Ah-Idk, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Monday 8th July 2019, 3:43 p.m.

====================

Wormtail: Guys guys guys!!
Are you seeing this?!

Ah-Idk: Just saw it now.
I'm free for a bit if everyone else is?
No pressure on you @Josie if you're not available or only want to play on Wednesdays.

Josie: I've got a couple of hours to spare before I leave to meet my friend, so I can play for a bit.

siriusblack: Bacon get your arse home, I'm not passing up unlimited Floo

Bacon4Algernon: bugger off i'm busy
and only josie calls me bacon YOU can't call me bacon this is not becoming a thing

Wormtail: It's part of your username?

Josie: Yeah guys
Did you hear that?
Only I can call him Bacon
Only I am special

Bacon4Algernon: that is NOT
i repeat
NOT
what i meant AT ALL
you are DELIBERATELY misconstruing my words for your own illicit purposes

Josie: Do you ever ramp the energy down to anything resembling normal dialogue, or are you basically always Javert before he leaps off the bridge?

Bacon4Algernon: undermining me in front of the group
pretending to have a friend that you "meet up with" as if you aren't a horned brute who festers like a wound beneath the earth's crust, both continental and oceanic
time and time again, you tell these LIES

Josie: Call me Jean Valjean, I guess

Wormtail: Lol

Bacon4Algernon: i must insist that you do not reference french fiction at me at this time i am TRYING to set a romantic mood with someone here and it is extremely counterproductive to my efforts

Josie: Awwwwww, Bacon
I knew you felt as I did <3

Bacon4Algernon: NOT WITH YOU

Josie: My sweet reine du drame

Ah-Idk: Because whoever heard of the words "French" and "romantic" being used in conjunction with one another?

siriusblack: For fuck's sake, your girlfriend can live without you for one fucking day
24 hour challenges won't wait, Prongs
Shelve your frigidly polite over-the-clothes fondling and Uber back to the house
I'll even pay for it, you left your debit card on your bed

Bacon4Algernon: so now having MANNERS is an issue?

Josie: Jesus

Bacon4Algernon: you know i'd actually BE at home right now if she didn't feel so uncomfortable around you that she doesn't want to come over, yeah??!

siriusblack: Tell her to change her entire personality

Bacon4Algernon: SIRIUS

siriusblack: Then she can come over whenever she wants

Josie: Oh my GOD
Stop it BOTH OF YOU
THIS IS LUDICROUS

Ah-Idk: Agreed.

Wormtail: ^

Ah-Idk: I'm getting really sick of this.

Josie: Nobody else in this Discord, and I mean NOBODY, Bacon, since all-caps theatrics seems to be the only language you understand, is interested in dealing with this Real Housewives bullshit

Bacon4Algernon: ??R??GF

Josie: We're here to play a game. A GAME.
You're neglecting your brother and he's jealous so he's taking it out on your girlfriend, WE GET IT, people with bigger relationship issues than this one have sorted them out faster than you two just have a conversation and let us live

Bacon4Algernon: firstly, you don't own this server so stop throwing your weight around and setting rules like you're my mother or something

Josie: Your mother owns this server?

Bacon4Algernon: sdhgiksfhd NO
AND SECONDLY
my biggest problem with sirius is actually that he let YOU into this discord, mephistopheles
so stick THAT where your peg's supposed to go

Josie: I'll keep your thesaurus-assisted admonishments out of your arsehole, thanks.

Wormtail: Lmfaooooooooooooooooooooo

Josie: And if your biggest problem with Sirius is that he brought me into the Discord, and not that he's treating your girlfriend like a fucking dishrag, then you're not a very good boyfriend and she should dump you like toxic waste.

Bacon4Algernon: EXCUSE ME??!

Wormtail: DAMN

Bacon4Algernon: what kind of UNFOUNDED ACCUSATION????
YOU ARE LUCKY THAT SHE DIDN'T READ THAT

Josie: Then put your phone down and pay her some attention?
Anyway, about this challenge

siriusblack: YES, the challenge

Bacon4Algernon: @siriusblack she just insulted you too and what, you don't care?

siriusblack: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Josie: I've already found one Quaffle in Filch's office.
So we only need four more to get the Floo.

Bacon4Algernon: WHAT?
HOW?
THE CHALLENGE STARTED TWENTY MINUTES AGO I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THIS

Josie: I know it did, it only took me ten minutes.
I've had a look at the noticeboard in the common room and one of the clues is definitely pointing to the lake, and I think another's directing us to Myrtle's bathroom, but I'm cool with heading wherever if anything else jumps out at the rest of you.

Ah-Idk: Checking now.

Bacon4Algernon: WAIT WAIT WAIT
DON'T DO THIS WITHOUT ME THAT'S NOT FAIR

siriusblack: Come the fuck home, then

Josie: Or maybe DON'T throw your girlfriend over for a game???

siriusblack: Anyone have gillyweed?

Josie: Unless you genuinely never want to get pegged by anyone at all.

Bacon4Algernon: HAH I DO I DO

Josie: Want to get pegged?

Bacon4Algernon: I MEANT THE GILLYWEED HADES

siriusblack: I'll rephrase that
Does anybody present and currently still loyal to the party have gillyweed?

Bacon4Algernon: SIRIUS

Wormtail: I've got some gillyweed.

Ah-Idk: I agree re: the lake, it seems obvious from the clues.
Happy to head there if everyone else is.

Bacon4Algernon: STOP LEAVING ME OUT.
I WANT TO PLAY
it's not fair for you all to PERSECUTE me for being with the woman i like and could see myself loving in 8 to 10 months i'm trying to be an attentive boyfriend don't make this my sophie's choice

siriusblack: I just put food in my stomach, you prick

Wormtail: Weird way to say "ate" but ok

Ah-Idk: Sophie had to choose between her children, Prongs.
Her literal children.
The one she didn't choose died.

Josie: Oh for god's sake, we're not starting this again, I can't deal.
What time are you due to get home?

Bacon4Algernon: who?

Josie: YOU, FLOOZY
WHO ELSE?

Bacon4Algernon: idk satan
she's got to go to a thing with her parents at 7 so after that

Josie: Fine. I'll be back from seeing my friend at 9ish, I can play then if everyone else is free.

Wormtail: I can play at 9.

siriusblack: @Josie You don't have to pander to Prongs, let's just take the lake mission now

Josie: Including every member of the party isn't pandering?
It's being a decent fucking person.

Ah-Idk: Happy to play at 9, I've got chores to do this evening anyway and I can't face Prongs and Sirius arguing AND looming dirty dishes all at once.

Josie: Cool. So we're all sorted.

siriusblack: Sorted according to who, exactly?

Josie: According to me. Take issue with it, please, I beg you.
Then maybe you and Bacon can bond over what a hellish, nasty bitch I am and be friends again, saving us all from further aggro.

siriusblack: Nice try, compadre
But you know I can't stay mad at you for long

Josie: -_-

siriusblack: I wish I knew how to quit you

Josie: Thanks...Jake Gyllenhaal?

Bacon4Algernon: fine then i'll be back online at 9ish

Josie: Not going to thank me for anything, no?

Bacon4Algernon: thank you for what, keeping winged monkeys gainfully employed?

Josie: Thanks for that babe, love you too

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Private Chat

Members: Josie, siriusblack

Resumed: Monday 8th July 2019, 4:13 p.m.

====================

Josie: Okay, I'll bite.
Apparently we're all involved in your drama now, whether we like it or not, so I might as well ask.
Why do you hate Bacon's girlfriend so much?
From the way you talk either she's Margaret Thatcher in the making or you're outrageously possessive of your family.

siriusblack: I just don't like her

Josie: Right, but why?

siriusblack: Because I just don't

Josie: That's not a reason.

siriusblack: She's squirrelly

Josie: What's that supposed to mean?

siriusblack: You'd have to know her to know what I mean

Josie: Try me.

siriusblack: It's little things, like how she acts suspicious whenever she's round, or how she stares down at the floor and hardly talks all day
She won't look me in the eye

Josie: Because of your open loathing.

siriusblack: Dunno, you'll have to ask her

Josie: That wasn't a question, that was me telling you that she won't look you in the eye because of your open loathing.

siriusblack: Allegedly

Josie: So that's your only reason for hating her? Because you've alienated her so completely that she's too intimidated to look at you?

siriusblack: A proper woman would have balls enough to face me head on

Josie: Right. Because testicles are famously resilient.

siriusblack: Anyway, if she's so upset about me hating her, she should be working harder to earn my approval

Josie: Why?

siriusblack: Because I'M the best mate and she's new.

Josie: And?

siriusblack: I'm family

Josie: So what? She's his girlfriend and you're not trying to win HER approval, are you?

siriusblack: Why should I?

Josie: I don't see why she has to put in the work if you won't.

siriusblack: Because that's not how it works
I was here first, I knew him first and I'm his best friend, she's standing on our turf which means she has to put in the legwork first, that's the natural order

Josie: Lol reciprocal respect is exactly how it works, you utter bellend.
PARTICULARLY if you're the best friend!
She's the one who was thrown into an entirely new social group and that can be really daunting, which means that you're SUPPOSED to be the one who makes her feel welcome.

siriusblack: And Prongs is SUPPOSED to make sure she knows that she doesn't have a monopoly on all his time just because she might let him fuck her one day, but he didn't, so nobody's living up to their end of the bargain, are they?

Josie: Jesus Christ, you're acting like brats, if I was your mum I'd bang your heads together like big hollow coconuts.
Just tell him you miss him and need some more quality time together, for fuck's sake, he'll be well chuffed.

siriusblack: Fuck off, I'm not doing that

Josie: Why not?

siriusblack: Because I'm not acting like a tosser for no reason

Josie: Oh PLEASE he'd 100% go for it, he's a total soft touch.

siriusblack: Because you know him so well, sure.

Josie: Reckon I'm right about that tbh.

siriusblack: Anyway fuck that, that's not my only reason for not trusting her

Josie: And what might those other reasons be, pray tell?

siriusblack: Too posh

Josie: POSH

siriusblack: Yeah

Josie: You're from KNIGHTSBRIDGE you hypocritical shit

*

James bade hello to the driver as he boarded the no. 49 bus that would take him from Georgia's home to his own, and was reminded that he lived in London when all he got for his trouble was a dead-eyed, hateful grunt. Feeling quite downcast, despite the nice afternoon he'd spent with his girlfriend, he squeezed himself into the small gap between two besuited businessmen and reflected upon the general wickedness of mankind.

Then he took out his phone to pore over his Discord conversation with the gaming group, more fuel for his own self-pity, but after a minute of reading he realised, to his horror, that he was beginning to tire of himself.

And Sirius. That was important!

But of himself.

The truth was, they were both acting like pricks. No wonder his mates were bloody sick of them. James certainly would have been, if it were Peter or Remus behaving like this. Not that Remus would ever behave like a whining baby. Remus was mature and reasonable. Remus was an example to them all. That was why Remus was Josie's favourite, and why she'd singled James out as the childish clown that he, unfortunately, so often tended to be.

Fucking Josie. She thought she was so great with her protego bombs and her hoarded galleons and her criminally astute observations about James's life and character. Who'd even asked her for those? Not James!

But was having her in the party really all that bad, ultimately?

Yes.

But…

Well.

It could have been worse?

She could have been Charles, hiding his true identity to enact a crushing revenge. That was what James had initially suspected. But she wasn't Charles. There was no way. Charles simply wasn't capable of doling out incredible shards of wit like hidden shuriken. She was an evil megalomaniac, sure, but somehow James doubted that she was the type to flip her lid and start dropping revolting slurs if they pissed her off. She doled out her punches in a fairly straightforward way, she was a great player and Healer, and his mates thought she was fun.

What else did he know about her?

She was British, judging by her timezone and the way she talked, and she seemed to be close to his age.

She knew an awful lot about condiments.

Did James really need to know anything more about the woman? The answer was no, surely? Josie had made it clear to Sirius that she didn't want to talk about her personal life or reveal any information about herself which might make her identifiable in the real world, which in itself was fine. In fact, it aligned in some way with the party's new approach. Following Charles's threat-filled meltdown, Peter, who was often demonstrably sensitive about his weight and his failure to live up to a "traditional" masculine standard, had started to receive a lot of emailed newsletters for plus sized women's clothing retailers that he hadn't signed up for. It was only natural to assume that Charles was the perpetrator of this cruel joke, and unacceptable as it was for him to do so, he could have chosen a far more dangerous route. They were, perhaps, getting off relatively lightly.

Nevertheless, certain parents were informed, Peter's mother hit the roof, and the upshot was that James and his mates had agreed to only use their nicknames when talking to other players—with the exception of Sirius, who was stubborn and whose real name sounded fake anyway—but even Sirius agreed that the sharing of photos and certain other personal details needed to end. Peter had even employed some of his patented technological knowhow to completely scrub the Discord chat history of their names and locations in preparation for the arrival of a new Healer. They were, in some sense, protected. It wasn't a bad thing that Josie was intent upon protecting herself.

The bus pulled up to the Queensberry Place stop and James watched idly as an abnormally hench man wearing a Peppa Pig backpack hopped off and headed straight into the Retrofit gym, a can of Monster clenched inside his hammy fist.

In only a couple more stops, a seat might come up for grabs.

Sirius, incidentally, would have had something hilarious to mutter in James's ear about that backpack, if he were here.

Bloody Sirius.

James hated fighting with him. It so rarely happened for real; he didn't know how to handle it.

Perhaps if…

Perhaps if James were to make it known that he had accepted Josie's inclusion in the party, that would make Sirius more open to accepting Georgia?

Was that the peace offering that was needed?

James could give it a try, at least. That didn't mean that he'd have to stop sparring with Josie. Sirius didn't care about the sparring. God, he probably enjoyed it. James could accept Josie and complain about her, and she'd deserve it, too. Nobody could stop him from calling her out. He was an adult now, legally. He could do whatever he wanted.

Either way, he needed to end this fight with Sirius for the good of the party. And to spare his parents' nerves. And get Josie off his case.

And maybe, just a little bit, because he really missed his brother.

Stupid git.

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Lily Evans, Liam Holland

Chat Resumed: Monday 8th July 2019, 7:37 p.m.

====================

Liam Holland: Are we still on for tomorrow?

Lily Evans: Yep!
Provided that's still okay with you?

Liam Holland: Yeah definitely.
I can drive us if you want?

Lily Evans: I mean, I don't have a car nor can I drive a car, so you driving us would be a help, unless you'd like to die screaming.

Liam Holland: Haha cool
Want to get a milkshake or something after? To celebrate?

Lily Evans: Lol why do you think we'd have something to celebrate?

Liam Holland: Do you honestly think we won't?

Lily Evans: I guess we'll have to wait and see.

*

Unwilling to waste his newfound sense of purpose, James went straight up to Sirius's room when he got home from Georgia's and burst in action hero style, realising, at the precise moment that the door swung open, that this was an act that could have had disastrous consequences.

Luckily for them both, Sirius was stretched across his bed fully dressed, had both hands visible, and was poring over one of his horribly long Russian poverty novels that no one in the world—not even the most dedicated pervert—could have drawn inspiration to wank from.

He didn't even jump when James flung himself into the bedroom.

Stupid cool bastard.

"I'm not upset with you for bringing Josie into the party," James announced, in what he hoped was a mature and benevolent tone that would shame Sirius into an instant apology, because shit like that often happened in his imagination. It was one of the many reasons why his mother liked to say that James was living on a different planet to everyone else he encountered.

Unfortunately, and because he lived on Earth, Sirius merely turned a page in his novel and looked up at him.

"Why would you be?" he asked.

"You know why I would be!" James yelped, his benevolent maturity forgotten in lieu of pulling a face of disgust.

"Sounds like you still are."

"Well I'm not, yeah?"

"Sure you aren't."

"Alright, fine, I'm never gonna be her biggest fan," James admitted, gesturing pointlessly to the window for some reason. Pfft, a fan of Josie's indeed. He could barely stomach Josie. In fact he hated Josie. He emphatically did not want her approval or her attention. "But I'm not pissed off with you about it anymore. You were right when you said that we're a democracy, and I'm going to honour that from now on."

"Let me guess," said Sirius, arid and disdainful. "So long as I fall in line with Georgia?"

"So long as you're…nice to Georgia, yeah."

"Nice? Really? Nice?"

"Civil, then," he offered instead, to which Sirius's lip curled rather nastily, but James ignored it. "Polite. Whatever. I'm not going to stop going out with her and if you don't treat her better that means I spend less time with you, and I don't want to spend less time with you."

His brother looked as if he might want to say something for a second, but then he dropped his gaze to his book and flipped to the next page, which was total bullshit because he'd just turned to the previous page when James accosted him, and hadn't had a chance to read a word.

"Don't be a prick," he sullenly admonished.

Sirius turned another page. "Not being anything."

"I'm not gonna beg you."

"Who said you had to?"

"For fuck's sake, don't be such an arsehole!" James huffed impatiently. "You know how much you mean to me, you bloody git, you know that you're the most important pe—"

"Oi, piss off!" Sirius cried, snapping the book shut between his palms. It was a succinct statement, and laced with the special brand of fake disgust he reserved for whenever James happened to say anything nice about him. "Don't start with all that mushy shit."

"Then do better with Georgia!"

"I don't want to!"

"Well, you better start wanting to," James threatened, "or I will hit you in the balls as hard as I bloody can."

Sirius eyed him warily, or at least, James liked to imagine that he did. "With your foot or your fist?"

"With my foot," he darkly intoned, and this time Sirius did look a little uneasy. Not for nothing was James the best striker on his school team. He'd been accidentally damaging property with his right foot since he was far too little to be capable of booting a ball with such power. As a matter of fact, he and Sirius had first become inseparable when James accidentally sent a football smashing through his dining room window and thoroughly ruined a dinner party that his biological parents were throwing at the time, which, coincidentally, was all it took to convince Sirius that James was the greatest person he'd ever met. "I'll send them both right up inside you, I'm dead serious."

"Fine, then!" his brother agreed, and tugged the hem of his t-shirt down to cover his crotch, whether knowingly or unknowingly, James couldn't tell. "But don't go fucking around with her on Wednesday evenings, alright?"

"I wouldn't an—"

"I mean it."

"I wouldn't!" James protested.

"Good, you better not," Sirius concluded. He opened his novel back up and started to thumb through the pages in the middle. Evidently he truly had been reading and was eager to get back to the place he had lost, though god only knew how one could read in a space like this. Sirius was so devoted to his gloomy aesthetic that he'd had James's parents paint the whole room completely black. That, coupled with the heavy blackout curtains and perpetually lowered dimmer lights, the atmosphere inside was that of a gothic horror castle where virgins were frequently murdered. "Otherwise I'll say whatever I want."

James stared at the crown of his brother's downturned head. "So is that it?"

"Is what it?"

"Everything's just… resolved?"

"Yeah, whatever. Resolved."

For some reason, that made standing there feel a little silly. Surely something more ought to have happened? "Bit anticlimactic, don't you think?"

"What d'you want from me, then?" Sirius looked up from his book again, exasperation crossing his elegant features while his mouth expelled inelegant words. "A fucking hug?"

"A hug would be nice," James mused aloud, grinning, and immediately ducked the projectile that Sirius flung in his direction—a large (black) cushion, in this case. "Or I could just leave?"

"Or you could just leave."

"Such a great brother you are, mate," James performed his little grumble as he headed for the door. "So kind, so affectionate, so completely emotionally healthy—"

"Close the door behind you!" Sirius shouted after his back.

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Georgia Boleyn-Smythe, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Monday 8th July 2019, 8:28 p.m.

====================

James Potter: sirius and i sorted everything out!

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Really? xx

James Potter: yeah really!
it's 100% all good now
well
95 to 100%
ish
it's over 90 anyway, definitely over 90

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: What happened? xx

James Potter: when i got home i marched with purpose into his room and demanded that we talk things out

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: And he listened? xx

James Potter: yes
he did
and then we had a very productive talk about our feelings

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Lol really?
That doesn't sound like him xx

James Potter: the truth is, georgie, sirius is a well
he's actually got a lot of hidden depths

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Hmmmm xx

James Potter: no he does!
honest!
and we did really talk
i told him very clearly that he needed to start being nicer to you or he'd be seeing less of me
he accepted these conditions, job done
so you can start coming round here again

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Right xx
But the thing is, I don't really feel comfortable with that idea xx

James Potter: i promise you he won't say anything

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: I know and I totally believe that YOU believe that, but I'm sorry, I just don't think he's telling you the truth xx
I'm really sorry xx

James Potter: no it's fine
i mean you don't have to say sorry
it's just
idk i'm not sure what to do now

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: It'll be fine, you can still come round here all the time xx
And we can go out xx
It's not like we always have to be in one of our houses xx

James Potter: so you're just never going to come back over here

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Not never, just for now xx
If a couple of weeks pass and you can tell me honestly that he hasn't said anything shitty to you about me I'll probably feel better about coming back over, ok? xx

James Potter: yeah, sure
i mean if that's what you want
i like your house
honestly i'll do whatever as long as you're comfortable

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: See, THIS is why you're so amazing xx
Thank you for being so understanding about this xx

James Potter: it's fine
it was no problem

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: So are you still going to talk to your parents about him? xx

James Potter: ?????
had i said i'd talk to them?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Weren't you thinking about it?

James Potter: um
no?
but anyway we've sorted it, why would i still need to talk to my parents about him?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Just wondering xx

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Ah-Idk, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Monday 8th July 2019, 8:53 p.m.

====================

Wormtail: Logging on now, everyone ready?

Ah-Idk: Will be in a few, just making a coffee

Josie: How are my BLT boys doing this evening?

Bacon4Algernon: good thanks, lucifer
how is—oh wait
lemme just check the list of generic subjects we're allowed to discuss with you
how is THE WEATHER?

Josie: Hot down here in hell, apparently.

Bacon4Algernon: and just for the record i am NOT your blt boy

Josie: Well I'm sorry, I just didn't think that "my BLT boys plus my one conscientious objector" had the right ring to it, y'know?

Bacon4Algernon: no i don't because i am not YOUR anything

Josie: Not even my nemesis?

Bacon4Algernon: fine, you're my nemesis

Josie: What a breakthrough for our relationship!
Luv you so so much honeybear x

Bacon4Algernon: i reject your affection DEEPLY

Josie: Lol

siriusblack: Lettuce move past this unpleasantness

Ah-Idk: That's an ill-bread statement, Prongs.

Josie: Butter take my affections elsewhere, I guess.

Wormtail: It's nice to ketchup like this!

Bacon4Algernon: you are all so immature

siriusblack: As if it isn't killing you to not make puns

Ah-Idk: It's almost as if puns are his……bread and butter

Josie: He's bacon my heart right now D: </3

siriusblack: Ah, he'll regret it one day
But Heinz-sight's 20/20

Bacon4Algernon: for the sake of our newfound peace i will forgive you for your mockery, brother

Josie: So you two finally made up?

Bacon4Algernon: yes, despite your best efforts to tear us apart

Josie: Tearing you apart was literally the opposite of what I wanted, but you keep on telling your lies if that's what you need.

Bacon4Algernon: shut up though

Josie: Omg now that you've told me to shut up I'm definitely cowed, well done you.

Bacon4Algernon: shut UP though

Josie: Lol no

Ah-Idk: You're really not grasping the concept of free will here, Bacon.

Bacon4Algernon: DON'T CALL ME BACON

Josie: Can I just ask, before we start
@Ah-Idk Why exactly is your username Ah-Idk?

Bacon4Algernon: because he doesn't like text speak but one time he was drunk and i asked him if he was drunk and he said ah idk and it was hilarious

Ah-Idk: What he said.
It was Moony before that.
I've been meaning to change it back, actually.

Josie: You should.
Makes things simpler.

Ah-Idk: Alright.

Bacon4Algernon: well
you're just getting everything you want today, aren't you?

Josie: Lol sure, I've been lobbying real hard for that name change for the past five seconds.

Moony: Hey presto

Wormtail: WB

Bacon4Algernon: does that satisfy her majesty?
or do you want to punch one of our mothers in the face while you're at it?

siriusblack: Mine is available

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Private Chat

Members: Bacon4Algernon, Josie

Resumed: Monday 8th July 2019, 11:05 p.m.

====================

Bacon4Algernon: thanks for making the others wait for me to come home before they started playing i guess

Josie: You guess?

Bacon4Algernon: yeah i guess, maybe i would have been a bit miffed to miss the challenge what's it to you

Josie: Maybe?

Bacon4Algernon: whatever i don't CARE anyway

Josie: It sort of sounds like you do care a bit.

Bacon4Algernon: you can think that
you can believe that
and you can say it all you want
but in the end, it's just like gödel's incompleteness theorems

Josie: ???

Bacon4Algernon: unprovable

Josie: Damn, Bacon.
Them's fighting words.

Bacon4Algernon: maybe they are fighting words

Josie: I mean, yeah, if you're a big ole dweeb.

Bacon4Algernon: oh PLEASE as if you've not got SWOT written all over you in flashing red letters you SWOT

Josie: Right, and you broke out Gödel's incompleteness theorms because you're such a fucking bad boy.
God, you even took the time to put the umlaut over the o!
How does ANYONE resist you?

Bacon4Algernon: just so you know i hate you and i never laugh at anything you say and i wish you a lifetime of mild inconveniences good evening and goodbye

Josie: So is this how you flirt with girls or what?

Bacon4Algernon: go AWAY you're so BLOODY ANNOYING!!!!

Chapter Text

"We go out in stormy weather
We rarely practice discern"
- Spoon

*

Lily really didn't need Liam Holland to accompany her to the trampoline park when she decided to ask for her old job back, but her former boss just happened to be his best mate's dad, and that was a good enough excuse to ask him along.

Of course, Liam didn't have to put a good word in for Greg to know that Lily was an excellent employee. If there was one quality she possessed in abundance, it was work ethic, and the trampoline park was a family run establishment that hired trusted locals. As she'd expected, Greg was in search of summer staff and was only too happy to reinstate her in the cafe. Donning a hairnet to sling chips to kids all summer wasn't a glamorous job, but it paid fairly, and she needed to pad out her savings before uni. Tuition and accommodation would be covered by student loans and the money her parents had saved for her, but her family weren't wealthy by any means. They'd put what they could aside but it was hardly a small fortune. It mattered to Lily that she had some funds of her own when she finally went to Kingston.

If she got into Kingston.

Surely she would get into Kingston? She had her offer as long as her grades met requirements in August.

"You'll get into Kingston," Liam assured her later, over a pair of vanilla milkshakes and paninis in Redz—his treat, to celebrate her getting the job. "If anyone's going to get their top choice of uni, it's you. I'm the one who might not get in."

Lily swirled her straw around in her shake. "What are your other choices?"

"Derby and Hull, and De Montfort, which is where Mum wants me to go."

"So you could keep on living close?"

"So I could keep on living at home," he clarified, reaching for his drink. "Can't justify living at uni if I've got a car and my parents' house is half an hour away."

He shifted in his seat a little and settled back in, straw in mouth, loosening his shoulders like melting wax. Liam always used every chair he sat in for its fullest purpose, sitting all the way back as if to acknowledge that this was a receptacle built for his relaxation. It was something that Lily had noticed a while back, and she envied it sincerely. She always seemed to wind up sitting as if on alert, her spine so rarely making contact with the back of the chair, uneasy and unsurprising.

No wonder she'd been so out of sorts since the exams ended, if she always needed to be On all the time. It was like she couldn't properly rest without feeling guilty for letting herself slacken—even when she did things like play W3 she became preoccupied with levelling up and hitting achievements as quickly as possible, always wanting to impress, always wanting to excel in some way. If Liam could have bottled his particular brand of ineffable calm and sold it for profit, it really might have benefited her to drink it occasionally, though she certainly wasn't going to venture that thought to him. He'd think she was a bloody weirdo.

"That's Dad's dream situation, too," she admitted. "He pushed really hard for me to apply there, and to Loughborough."

"Did you?"

She shook her head. "I don't want to spend the next four years stuck here, you know? You can't exactly have the full student experience when you're going home to your parents every night, and I want to be in London—or close to London, anyway—I always have."

"Lucky that you're going to get Kingston, then, isn't it?" said Liam, grinning.

Lily felt a rosy warmth creeping upwards from her chest, and was glad of her decision to wear her halter neck sundress instead of something low-cut. She always, as Mary put it, blushed with her boobs first.

The problem was, it was impossible to gauge how Liam felt about her, except that his feelings were positive in some way. Some platonic way, perhaps, or most likely. He was fond of her as she was of him, and always had been, ever since they were children, but in all that time they'd never quite pushed through the boundary that separated very good chums from truly, truly close friends. That might have been because Lily had developed a crush on him at a formative age, or it might have been for some other reason, but it was there. The most she could say if pressed was that Liam liked her a lot as a friend, but she'd never seen proof of any attraction from him. Only from her, which was how she'd learned to hide it beneath high necklines and carefully applied foundation.

If only she had Josie's unrelenting self-confidence, she might have had the stomach to tell Liam how she felt.

If only she had a bit of it.

Playing as Josie felt like a revelation, in a way. Lily could say anything she damn well wanted when she was wearing that woman's face, even the things she didn't want to say. Even things that were unkind, too unkind for Lily's tastes, but that was what came of trying to protect herself by starting out on the offensive and taking it to extremes. Josie wasn't really her and she wasn't really Josie.

She was sort of regretting the unkindness, for the most part. Those boys from the internet were fun.

That could be rectified, though, in a gradual way.

Figuring out how to get anywhere with Liam was a more difficult task for her to accomplish. What was that quote from Pride and Prejudice? There were very few people who had heart enough to be really in love without encouragement? That was certainly bloody true. Lily had some long-held feelings for Liam Holland, but she couldn't fully trust her imagination to twine them together on a sugar-spun fantasy cloud until she knew how he felt for sure, and unless they both happened to get into Kingston University, she had a very small window of time in which she might come to some conclusion.

Besides, if they didn't both get in, if he went off to Hull or wherever, would there even be a point to pursuing him further?

"You're definitely going to get in too," she assured him.

"Yeah, well, if I do, you're gonna be stuck with me," he pointed out. "So be careful what you wish for."

She laughed as if his words did not affect her. That was another thing Lily excelled at, pretending.

If they both got into Kingston, then.

Then she'd consider telling him how she felt.

*

Discord Server: Josie's BLT Boys

Members: Moony/Bread, Padfoot/Lettuce, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail/Tomato, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 10th July 2019, 7:06 p.m.

====================

Wormtail/Tomato: Logging on now.
Who else is ready?

Moony/Bread: I'll need another 30 minutes, we're having dinner late.

Padfoot/Lettuce: I'm fresh out of the crisper and ready to go

Bacon4Algernon: what

Josie: Oh my god

Bacon4Algernon: no
what

Josie: I can't with you lot lollllllll

Bacon4Algernon: WHO CHANGED THE SERVER NAME
WHO
WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS DID IT

Moony/Bread: I don't know what you mean.

Bacon4Algernon: MOONY

Moony/Bread: We just wanted to match you, Prongs.

Bacon4Algernon: MOONY NO
NO

Josie: Truly touched, boys.
Truly, truly touched.

Bacon4Algernon: MOONY

Josie: #blessed
#humble

Bacon4Algernon: MOONY
MOONY
MOONY WHAT ARE YOU DOING DON'T GIVE IN TO THIS BLT BOYS MADNESS

Moony/Bread: I hear what you're saying, sure.
But in a way
Haven't we always been Josie's BLT boys?

Josie: The moniker itself was Bacon's idea, if I recall correctly.
Which, of course, I do, because I live to read his many insightful and brilliant thoughts.

Bacon4Algernon: oh don't YOU fucking start
as if this wasn't all your idea to begin with

Josie: First of all, I had no idea this had happened until a minute ago.
Secondly, why are you so rude to me when all I do is care for you like you're my own flesh and blood?

VariousRefreshments4Algernon: you're a cretinous crone
is what you are

Josie: Oh, Bacon.
I'm beginning to think that you don't even want to be my number one BLT Boy.

VariousRefreshments4Algernon: gee i wonder what tipped you off

Josie: Change your name back at least, Jesus.
Various refreshments 4 Algernon??? Who has time to read all that???

Bacon4Algernon: i was trying to make a point and the point was made

Josie: Again with the instant obedience.
You know you don't HAVE to do what I say every time?

Bacon4Algernon: that is not what that was i was going to change it back anyway and you just happened to ask me to do it at the same time

Josie: You obey me and yet you claim to hate me.
You're just an enigma wrapped in an enigma, aren't you?

Bacon4Algernon: i am not
i'm a paragon of openness
i'm a harbinger of truth
i am a man

Josie: As swift as the coursing river, sure.

Wormtail/Tomato: You guys are so romcom coded lol

Bacon4Algernon: you can't be CODED anything when you're a real person wormtail
also I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU GOSSIPING OLD NINNY

Josie: I didn't know people still used the word ninny.

Wormtail/Tomato: Wait.

Moony/Bread: You don't see it enough, I think.

Wormtail/Tomato: You have a girlfriend?

Bacon4Algernon: oh sod off wormtail

Wormtail/Tomato: WHAT?
But you never mention her!

Padfoot/Lettuce: I'd have filled you in @Wormtail/Tomato but I'm not allowed to talk about her anymore

Bacon4Algernon: WHAT HAS HAPPENED ON THIS SERVER
WHAT HAVE WE BECOME
IS JOSIE AN ACTUAL WITCH?
IS THAT THE PROBLEM?
DOES SHE HAVE YOU ALL UNDER SOME TERRIBLE, EVIL, MIND-CONTROLLING CURSE?

Josie: That's right, you got me.
I've put your mates in mental chokeholds.
I did try to put you under too, but you repelled my efforts with all the force of a great typhoon.

Moony/Bread: And all the strength of a raging fire?

Bacon4Algernon: joke's on all of you i love that song

Padfoot/Lettuce: I can confirm that
He's always belting it out in the shower

Bacon4Algernon: why are you listening to me sing when i shower?

Padfoot/Lettuce: Anyone within a half-mile radius is forced to listen to you sing when you shower

Josie: How does he sound in there?
On key?
Off key?
Like a drowning goat?
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon?
I never rated that line. The dark side of the moon doesn't seem all that mysterious to me, if I'm honest. It's just the moon innit?

Padfoot/Lettuce: He can be a tad pitchy when he really lets loose, but not so much that you'd notice

Josie: Hmm

Bacon4Algernon: that's not true
i've never been pitchy in my life!
i do great justice to the works of many fine artists!

Josie: It's interesting that he's pitchy.

Bacon4Algernon: it's like i'm not even here

Josie: An enigma wrapped in an enigma wrapped in an enigma.

Bacon4Algernon: i'm signing off now
goodbye

Wormtail/Tomato: No don't!

Josie: Don't sign off, you sausage.
We'll stop teasing.

Bacon4Algernon: oh sure, i'll just trust you at this juncture for no reason

Josie: I'm perfectly serious, it's no fun if you're not in on the joke.

*

Discord Server: Josie's BLT Boys

Private Chat

Members: Bacon4Algernon, Josie

Resumed: Wednesday 10th July 2019, 7:19 p.m.

====================

Bacon4Algernon: in on the joke?
IN ON THE JOKE?
may i remind you that the first time we ever played with you i got accused of being a rampaging sexist?
why didn't it matter if i was in on the joke then????

Josie: I can explain why I did that.

Bacon4Algernon: ????

Josie: So yeah. At the time I thought you were sexist.

Bacon4Algernon: ?A?GA?SG?ADG??
well i'm NOT!!!

Josie: And I've since come to believe that you probably aren't, yes.

Bacon4Algernon: PROBABLY????

Josie: I have to allow for the possibility that I could be wrong. We don't know each other that well.

Bacon4Algernon: because you don't want ANY OF US to know you that well!

Josie: That's also true.

Bacon4Algernon: so what, you mostly don't think i'm sexist now but you never bothered to tell me that you'd changed your mind and you're not even going to apologise for it???

Josie: I'm sorry for calling you sexist.

Bacon4Algernon: WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

Josie: Why am I like what?

Bacon4Algernon: with your mind games and your remarks and your sarcastic apologies
you think i don't know because they don't know but i know
i KNOW

Josie: Why do you just assume I was being sarcastic?

Bacon4Algernon: why are you constantly out for my blood?

Josie: Why do you keep initiating private conversations to lambaste me with some new version of "I don't want to talk to you" when if that was really what you wanted you could accomplish it by not starting private conversations?

Bacon4Algernon: that's not what's happening

Josie: That's what I can't understand.
I'd write you off as a dolt except you're clearly pretty intelligent, so I'm forced to assume that you like the attention.

Bacon4Algernon: OH
OH I SEE
so now i'm a creep instead of a sexist?

Josie: What??

Bacon4Algernon: i'm actually a very loyal person, not that you'd know

Josie: ……Okay?

Bacon4Algernon: i'm not sneaking around behind my girlfriend's back and looking for women on the internet okay, i play this game so i can spend time with my friends and no other reason, i'm not an arsehole and i'm not a cheater

Josie: I didn't say you were!

Bacon4Algernon: you just did!

Josie: I said I thought you liked the ATTENTION in the sense that you seem like a person who commands a lot of attention, like in GENERAL???
Not that you're into me or that you're some creep.
Jesus Christ.
It's like you're misunderstanding me on purpose.

Bacon4Algernon: well i think you're not being transparent on purpose and making it very hard for anyone to get a clear idea of the kind of person you are so it's not my fault if i don't automatically understand the true meaning behind everything you say to me, is it?

Josie: Yeah, that's totally fair.

Bacon4Algernon: YOU'RE DOING IT AGAIN

Josie: WHAT AM I DOING?

Bacon4Algernon: IT

Josie: ?????!?!?!?

*

Discord Server: Josie's BLT Boys

Members: Moony/Bread, Padfoot/Lettuce, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail/Tomato, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 10th July 2019, 7:37 p.m.

====================

Moony/Bread: I'm done with dinner and at my computer now.

Wormtail/Tomato: Is everyone else ready?

Padfoot/Lettuce: I've been ready so long my leaves are wilting
@Bacon4Algernon @Josie Oi lovebirds

Josie: What?

Bacon4Algernon: don't

Padfoot/Lettuce: Are you two ready?

Josie: Not yet, give us a minute.

Padfoot/Lettuce: Us?

*

Discord Server: Josie's BLT Boys

Private Chat

Members: Bacon4Algernon, Josie

Resumed: Wednesday 10th July 2019, 7:41 p.m.

====================

Josie: Look I've clearly set a precedent that's got you thinking of me as a certain kind of person and that's on me, so I'm not going to get upset.

Bacon4Algernon: what?

Josie: I'm not fucking with you. I'm sorry that I called you sexist. Do you want me to quit the party?

Bacon4Algernon: what?

Josie: I've been under the assumption that you're nowhere near as angry as you've been acting because somehow you know how to dramatically die on hills in a way that charms everyone, and because your mates haven't taken you seriously, but fuck it, what do I know? I don't know your life.
So please, DO let me know if I'm wrong and I'll just go.

Bacon4Algernon: i don't
no

Josie: No?

Bacon4Algernon: i wasn't asking you to quit just
i don't know
don't quit
you don't have to quit
they all like you and you're a good player
quitting would be stupid

Josie: I'm an excellent player, I'll have you know.

Bacon4Algernon: yeah well you just drew attention to what a big dramatic clown i am so maybe i'm shooting for moderation

Josie: LOL
I prefer the praise I get to be excessive, but whatever works for you.

*

Discord Server: Josie's BLT Boys

Members: Moony/Bread, Padfoot/Lettuce, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail/Tomato, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 10th July 2019, 7:49 p.m.

====================

Bacon4Algernon: yeah it's fine now, we're ready
what's our plan for tonight?

*

In the week that followed his reconciliation with James, Sirius proved that he was a man of his word by sticking to his edict to keep his mouth shut about Georgia. This made life a lot easier, except that James could no longer bring her up in conversation. The way his brother saw it, not insulting Georgia meant not acknowledging her existence at all, and he'd simply walk away whenever her name was mentioned.

Still, it was better than the alternative.

The real test came on Tuesday afternoon, when he and Sirius travelled to Regent's Park together—James was meeting Georgia for a date to the Frieze Sculpture exhibit while Sirius was joining Remus and Pete in Greene Man for pints—and found Georgia waiting outside the Tube station on Great Portland Street. It was a moment that made James feel rather like the child of a bitter divorce, being passed from one frosty parent to the other, but Sirius stayed on his best behaviour and treated her with civility. It was a great success as far as awkward social encounters went, and while Georgia didn't want to meet with James's mates for a drink in the pub afterwards, she did declare herself almost ready to consider returning to his house.

As for James, all he needed to do to keep the peace with Sirius was chill the fuck out about Josie, and that was simple enough.

Well, not simple, but manageable, thanks to Georgia, who was happy to let him vent to her whenever need arose.

"Her head's shoved up her own arse," he complained to his girlfriend after the exhibit, while they were waiting for the pizza they'd ordered to be delivered to their table, "and she keeps dropping these stupid little 'insights' like she knows every single thing about you based on a couple of lines of text, I'm bloody sick of her."

He neglected to mention that Josie's insights in regards his own behaviour had proved eerily accurate—opting instead to view them as spectacularly lucky guesses—nor did he disclose that her comment about his willingness to die on hills had been stuck in his brain like a shard of popcorn in a gum for days on end, that he'd lost count of the number of times he'd re-read it, and that he felt guilty every single time he did, although he had no idea why.

Was he even sick of Josie?

Fuck, he didn't know, but something about her made him uneasy.

"Can't you ask her to leave your party?" Georgia ventured, like the reasonable and intelligent person she was. She had gone to great pains to straighten her naturally curly tresses for their date, but the heat had gotten to her a little, so the tendrils that framed her forehead had turned to waves. James thought her hair looked very pretty, and had told her so, but she mustn't have agreed with him; she kept pushing it away from her face with impatient little puffs of breath.

He answered her with a shrug and a gulp of his complimentary water.

"Everyone else thinks she's great," he reminded her when he'd drunk his fill. "And we're a democracy, so I can't just boot her out."

"Yeah but you're playing a video game, it's not like it's Parliament."

"Did I tell you they changed the server name for her?"

Georgia's face was impassive as she picked up her cocktail—she wouldn't be eighteen until next Friday, but she never had trouble being served—and took a sip. "Mmhmm."

"It's just weird. She's weird," James continued in his tirade, "and being all guarded on purpose, but then thinks she can tell the rest of us who we are and how we should be living our lives like she can have it both ways, and the rest of them are just—I don't know how they're not seeing it? But they're not seeing it."

She let her straw slide from her lips. "Don't you only have to speak to her once a week?"

"Yeah."

"So is it really such a big issue?"

"When someone's being shady around my friends? Yeah, it is."

"Then, I don't know, just give it time?" She took another sip from her drink and set it down. "If that's really what she's like, Sirius will get sick of her eventually and then he'll kick her out."

"Sirius won't ever, he likes her more than anyone."

"Of course he does."

"Always banging on about how great she is," he grumbled, but laughed rather viciously as a thought occurred to him. "He'd probably ask her out if he wasn't aro, and they'd be the most miserable couple on earth."

"How much longer d'you think this pizza will take?" asked Georgia, as if they hadn't just been discussing something different altogether.

"Erm." James frowned. "Dunno?"

He straightened up and leaned sideways to better see the swinging door that led to the restaurant's kitchen, but no member of the waiting staff magically appeared holding a massive quattro formaggi on a tray, and the two he could see were tending to other tables.

"It hasn't been that long, has it?" he said, slumping back into his chair.

"I'm just hungry, that's all," said Georgia, but there was something in her delivery that flashed a warning light in his head, irritability or annoyance or…or something. James got the sense that she was looking past him, rather than at him. "Why don't you just call her out?"

"What, Josie?"

"Yes, Josie."

"I already DMed her and told her off."

The focus of her gaze shifted and latched onto him right away, her eyebrows lifting in surprise. "You DMed her?"

"Yeah, I brought up how she'd called me sexist. She said she was sorry but I know she didn't really mean it," James explained, but his brain stuttered and tripped at her alarmed expression. Dread was stirring in his stomach. What had he done? What had he done? "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she murmured and looked away, but too quickly.

"Georgie?"

"It's nothing."

"Are you—" He sat up straight. "You know it wasn't that kind of DM, right?"

"I didn't say it was," said Georgia in a tone that told him yes I fucking did.

Christ, but he was a fucking idiot. No wonder he'd been feeling so guilty without fully comprehending why. Clearly he shouldn't have been DMing any girls at all, even girls like Josie, who annoyed him and picked on him, and who he would never even consider throwing Georgia over for.

James certainly wouldn't be making that mistake again.

"It wasn't that kind of DM, G, it really wasn't," he insisted, and tried his best to emphasise his point by catching her gaze and keeping his eyes locked steadily on hers. Eye contact, his mother always said, was a sign of trustworthiness. "Look, you can even read them if you want to, I don't mind at all."

Of course, it then occurred to him that Josie had offered to leave the party and he, in the inexplicable floundering panic that had come over him in the moment, straight-up told her not to in said DMs, which would be difficult to explain in light of his many complaints. Nevertheless, he snatched his phone from the table and thrust it towards his girlfriend, his body completely ignoring his brain.

Georgia stared at the phone for a moment that felt like fifty, much longer moments, perhaps considering his offer.

Then she sighed, and with it her body seemed to unclench a little, mercifully mollified.

Or perhaps she just felt sorry for him.

"I'm not going to read your private messages, silly," she told him softly.

Sweet and blessed relief chased the bulk of James's stress from his body. "But if you wanted to—"

"But I don't want to, I trust you." She pressed her hand to her heart to demonstrate her sincerity. Under the restaurant lights, her light grey eyes were practically opalescent. "I'm not even upset about her, really, it just stresses me out to talk about anything related to Sirius, you know? Especially since he loves her and hates me, but I'm the one who actually cares about you."

A soupçon of his stress returned, having forgotten something. "Oh."

"It's not your fault, okay?" Georgia sighed again. "I'm just in my own head or something. He was weird when he saw me earlier—don't you think he was weird?"

"He's always weird."

"He still doesn't like me, James."

This, she put to him mournfully, like it was the horrible problem they still had to solve, and what was James meant to say to that? There was nothing he could say. He'd gotten Sirius to agree to behave in her presence and even that was a small miracle. He couldn't influence the man to change his feelings. It would be unfair of her to expect that, to need it. His civility had to be enough. It had to be enough because…because it had to.

"I can't force my brother to like you," was all he could think to tell her.

Like some arsehole.

Like an unthinking, unfeeling prick.

But there was nothing fucking else inside his head that he could say.

And on top of that, his luck was bloody awful, because of course the time had come for their pizza—their one pizza, which they'd ordered to share because that was more romantic, real Lady and the Tramp type shit—to arrive, brought by a waiter who felt no need to rush its presentation and lingered at their table for such an agonisingly long time that when he left, wearing his plastic smile and no doubt bound to make some snide remarks about them both to his colleagues later, James and Georgia's mutually awkward silence had morphed into a thing that felt like pain.

"You first," James offered stiffly, his hunger having fled.

Georgia reached out and took a slice without looking at him.

"My siblings all think you're great," she said to no one, then folded it in half and took a bite.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Moony, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 17th July 2019, 7:16 p.m.

====================

Moony: Logged on.

Josie: Oh hey, look at that!
Everything's back to normal.

Moony: Yeah, alas, I changed it back.
Thought I'd spare Prongs his sanity.

Wormtail: Logging on now.

siriusblack: Boo
Hiss
We're still the BLT boys in HERE

Josie: In where?

siriusblack: You can't see it but I'm pointing to my heart

Josie: Ew you big square.
I'm logged on now.
Are we still taking on the Acromantula tonight?

Moony: I think so.

Bacon4Algernon: you could have kept the new name
see if i'd have cared
i wouldn't have
can't be touched actually
can't be burned
got to fight
got to fly
got to crow

Josie: Are you high?

Bacon4Algernon: oh look, it's my favourite gorgon

Wormtail: Gorgon?

Josie: He's about to call me Medusa.

Bacon4Algernon: i wasn't going to call you medusa

Josie: You were going to call me Medusa.

Bacon4Algernon: i wasn't going to call you medusa

Josie: You were absolutely going to call me Medusa.

Bacon4Algernon: i was not

Josie: Deny it if you want, I can do this all night.

Bacon4Algernon: you know what
doesn't matter
for i am a changed man
a man of tranquillity
of inner poise
and most of all, of peace

Josie: That's a great attitude to adopt right before we start a fight with a gang of gigantic man-eating spiders.

siriusblack: Inner poise my arse

Josie: IS he high?

siriusblack: No, and he's not full of poise either, he spilled his coffee all over himself trying to run up the stairs.

Bacon4Algernon: i've got poise coming out of my every orifice and also
also
also
piss off sirius you snitch

Josie: Jesus.
You didn't burn yourself, did you?

Moony: Why were you running up the stairs with coffee?

Wormtail: And why is there poise coming out of your knob?

Bacon4Algernon: firstly it was iced coffee so halt your celebrations woman

Josie: WOMAN

Bacon4Algernon: secondly wormtail i am referring to the many many orifices of the soul

Josie: I wouldn't celebrate if you were burned, you utter buffoon.

Bacon4Algernon: awareness is the greatest agent for change
the resistance to the unpleasant situation is the root of suffering
as a bee gathering nectar does not harm or disturb the colour and fragrance of the flower; so do the wise move through the world

Wormtail: WTF?

Bacon4Algernon: just wanted to share the principles of my new philosophy

Josie: Which you've accomplished by……pasting quotes from Goodreads?

siriusblack: Great, he'll quote Buddha at Aragog and get us all killed

Josie: We could stick him in a web and leave him there, I guess.

Bacon4Algernon: perhaps aragog is, like myself, a spiritual man
perhaps in sharing that spirituality, we can encourage him to accept the path of surrender

Moony: Yeah, I'm sure that group philosophising is the failsafe they built into this game.

Wormtail: LOL you aren't spiritual at all!

Bacon4Algernon: in fact i am

siriusblack: Like fuck you are

Bacon4Algernon: i'm treading the path of enlightenment

siriusblack: You fucking are not, you eat Sugar Puffs and you watch the WWE

Bacon4Algernon: great tranquillity of heart is his who cares for neither praise nor blame

Moony: "Siri, pull up brainyquotes.com."

Josie: I watch WWE.

Bacon4Algernon: no you don't

Josie: Er, yes I do???

Bacon4Algernon: no
no, you don't

Josie: Why not, because I'm a woman?
You think that because I have a vagina that I can't enjoy professional wrestling?
You think I can't enjoy men in tights performing soap opera scenarios?

Bacon4Algernon: that's not why and you know it isn't
don't start with that shit again

Josie: Does your girlfriend know that this is how you view the world?

siriusblack: Maybe she does, they had an argument yesterday

Bacon4Algernon: my girlfriend and i are FINE we made up this morning and we're better than ever and i am NOT A SEXIST

Josie: Yeah, I know, but I figured that would bring down the facade.

Bacon4Algernon: oh, i KNOW you figured
i'm on to you, missy

Josie: MISSY

Bacon4Algernon: but the joke's on you
you see, i KNEW as soon as you said you watched wwe that if i said you DIDN'T watch wwe you'd accuse me of being sexist and so
therefore
that's how i knew that you don't watch wwe

Josie: Except I do watch it though.

Bacon4Algernon: you don't
you can't
i'm refuse to have things in common with you

Moony: Have you forgotten the game that we're all here to play?

Josie: Well I do watch it.
Of course, you can't ask me to drop any knowledge which might prove that I watch WWE because that would make you a sexist man who gatekeeps his interests from women.
And we both know that's just not you, don't we?

Bacon4Algernon: ALL I WANTED TO DO
ALL I WANTED

siriusblack: LOL

Bacon4Algernon: was to put the last few weeks aside and move forward IN THE SPIRIT OF POSITIVITY
AND FRIENDSHIP
AND KEANU REEVES
but could you let me have that
COULD YOU

Josie: I literally never said you couldn't do that?
I'm just not sure why you felt like you had to do it in the manner of a cult inductee.

Wormtail: Does anyone else have no idea what's happening?

Bacon4Algernon: start from a place of extreme zen, wind up somewhere in the region of normal
everyone knows this

Josie: Right.
Sure.
The usual method?

Bacon4Algernon: but you decided to rush the process josie
so here it is
the path you've chosen
full dark no stars
lets gut these acromantula kill bill style

Josie: You are quite an extreme human being, I do hope you're aware.

Bacon4Algernon: good, i hope that really annoys you

Josie: So this is how you flirt with girls.

Bacon4Algernon: I AM NOT DIGNIFYING THAT WITH A RESPONSE

Chapter Text

"There's a spanner in the works, you know
You gotta step up your game to make it to the top, so go"
- Two Door Cinema Club

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Private Chat

Members: Bacon4Algernon, Josie

Resumed: Wednesday 17th July 2019, 11:32 p.m.

====================

Josie: I'm waiting.

Bacon4Algernon: for what?

Josie: Now is usually about the time for your self-important rage, no?
I figured I'd open the floor for you.
Make it feel a little less one-sided.

Bacon4Algernon: much like captain ahab you are fishing
and i will not rise to your bait

Josie: It's just that you seem to make a point to DM me every time we play a session to accuse me of being Vlad the Impaler, so I thought I might as well go first this time.

Bacon4Algernon: oh right and what exactly are you planning to accuse ME of?
because unlike you i'm not up to anything nefarious
i'm not a creep
and i HAVE a girlfriend
so don't think that just because you're a girl who conducts her affairs with the confidence of someone much better looking than me that i'm interested in knowing you carnally

Josie: Good LORD

Bacon4Algernon: because i am NOT

Josie: Well shit, do be a gentleman and allow me to counter some of what you just said while my heart mends from the wound you've inflicted, would you?

Bacon4Algernon: since i AM a gentleman that's fine

Josie: 1) I know you have a girlfriend, you mention her every fifteen fucking seconds.
Believe me, every data broker who ever sold your info KNOWS you have a girlfriend.
In actual fact there are North Sentinel Islanders with no internet in the Bay of Bengal who know you have a girlfriend and THEY still hunt with spears.

Bacon4Algernon: oooooh look at me i'm josie i'm so smart i have loads of random information about indigenous tribes right at my fingertips and i'm pretending i didn't google it ooooooooooh!

Josie: 2) Sorry that you don't think you're good-looking but that's my problem HOW?

Bacon4Algernon: what?

Josie: What?

Bacon4Algernon: i don't think i'm not good looking??

Josie: Don't you?

Bacon4Algernon: i am good looking!
VERY good looking in fact!
i am FREQUENTLY told that i'm handsome, actually
not that it's anything to you

Josie: By your mum.

Bacon4Algernon: not JUST my mum!

Josie: Yes JUST your mum. What age are you, thirteen? Fourteen?

Bacon4Algernon: EIGHTEEN
I AM EIGHTEEN AND YOU BLOODY KNEW I WASN'T THAT YOUNG!

Josie: Then as a fellow eighteen-year-old, let me be the first to remind you that nobody our age is using the word "handsome" on the regular, so don't try to pretend that you're not hearing that exclusively from older female relatives.

Bacon4Algernon: joke's on you, the only older female relative i have IS my mum because the rest are all dead

Josie: Weird way to flex on someone, don't you think?

Bacon4Algernon: and anyway i wasn't saying that i'm NOT good looking, i was saying that YOU have the inflated self-perception of a woman who looks in the mirror every morning and sees isla fisher's face staring back at her

Josie: Isla Fisher.
Wow.
Wow.

Bacon4Algernon: but down here on earth the REST OF US have a healthy sense of self-deprecation which maybe you should try sometime

Josie: Earlier when you said that I was fishing you called me Captain Ahab, inadvertently likening yourself to Moby Dick.
Not to a trout. Or a carp. Or a minnow. But to the immensely powerful antagonist of the MOST famous epic novel of the sea ever written.
Not to mention the time you called yourself Paul McCartney.
But sure, you've got a "healthy" sense of self-deprecation.

Bacon4Algernon: and yet YOU'RE the one who thinks i'm so funny and charming

Josie: I do think you're funny. It wouldn't kill you to say one nice thing about me.

Bacon4Algernon: how captain ahab of you
to be so obsessed with me
practically begging for a scrap of a compliment, i do pity you terribly

Josie: Before your giant head sends you floating into orbit and you're never seen again, have you ever actually READ that book?

Bacon4Algernon: i saw a film about it

Josie: Which film?

Bacon4Algernon: a film

Josie: WHICH film

Bacon4Algernon: it was the pagemaster, if you're going to keep NAGGING me about it

Josie: LMFAO
THE PAGEMASTER
THE FUCKING
PAGEMASTER
HE SAYS

Bacon4Algernon: laugh all you want, it's a 90s classic

Josie: Oh yeah, of course it is, I'm sure it wasn't critically panned and hasn't basically been forgotten to time.
Just like I'm sure that the five minute cameo that Moby Dick had in that movie captured ALL of the complex themes of the original novel.

Bacon4Algernon: it was a big whale
he wanted to catch it
so what?

Josie: Yeah, because the whale bit his leg off.
Are you planning to bite my leg off?
Not that I want to yuck your yum if cannibalism is your thing, but I'd appreciate the warning if you are.

Bacon4Algernon: there is no part of you that i would EVER want to bite

Josie: What if I looked like Isla Fisher?

Bacon4Algernon: you don't look like isla fisher

Josie: Says who?

Bacon4Algernon: says the blue hair and tattoos

Josie: Right, because everyone has to look exactly like their avatar, that's the rule, you definitely have cat ears and a tail in real life.

Bacon4Algernon: i might

Josie: You really just want a nemesis, don't you?
That's what all of this is about.

Bacon4Algernon: what?

Josie: A nemesis? Adversary? Mortal enemy? You're familiar with the concept, I'm sure.
That's what you want.
But in a kiddie-fied kind of way, you know?
You want a bitter rivalry, but the kind where nothing ever really happens, unless you count the fact that sometimes I breathe and you get real mad about it.

Bacon4Algernon: that's not
no
i'm not a child!

Josie: Apparently you're eighteen. Who would have guessed?

Bacon4Algernon: see? THAT
it's THAT
you're MEAN
SO BLOODY MEAN TO ME ALL THE TIME!

Josie: And you constantly comparing me to demons and gorgons and one-legged old sailors with delusions of grandeur is what? Super nice?

Bacon4Algernon: maybe not, but you started it
in case you'd forgotten

Josie: Yeah, and in case you'd forgotten, I apologised for that a week ago.

Bacon4Algernon: you weren't being serious

Josie: I was being serious, and you know it.
But hey, don't let me be the gatecrasher at your one-man pity party, lest you accidentally start to enjoy yourself.
Don't worry, outside of group chat I won't darken your door again.

Bacon4Algernon: and you think I'M melodramatic?

Josie: Bye!

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Remus Lupin, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Wednesday 17th July 2019, 10:15 p.m.

====================

James Potter: <image attachment>
<image attachment>
just wanted to let you know that THIS is what i'm dealing with
and by 'this' i mean a deranged whale-hunting sociopath who thinks it's her earthly duty to provide me with a nemesis that I NEVER EVEN ASKED FOR, REMUS
and YOU let her in
YOU let the vampire cross the threshold, not me
from here on in it's eat or BE eaten

Remus Lupin: I think you have, though.

James Potter: have what?

Remus Lupin: Accidentally started to enjoy yourself.

James Potter: NONE OF YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND ME BUT AT ALL

*

WhatsApp Group: Rogelio my Brogelio

Members: Lily Evans, Bonnie Grogan, Mary Macdonald

Chat Resumed: Wednesday 17th July 2019, 10:15 p.m.

====================

Lily Evans: Not that this is a brand new observation or anything, but men are CLOWNS and no one with a functioning brain should have anything to do with any of them.
With the exception of some notable mentions like Gilbert Blythe.
And Mr Darcy.
Bingley too, actually, to be fair.
And Joe Keery.
And Michael Moscovitz.
And Rogelio De La Vega OBVIOUSLY but that's really IT.

Mary Macdonald: What does it say about the world that five out of six of those men aren't real?

Bonnie Grogan: That I'm glad I'm gay.

Mary Macdonald: Sound.
What did Holland do, Lilliput?

Lily Evans: Nothing.
Liam's not done anything. Liam's fine.
I was just making a general statement re: society and like, how HAPPY we should be for Bonnie.
Which I am.
Congratulations.

Bonnie Grogan: Lol
You sound so sincere!

Lily Evans: I am!
Very happy!
Blame my punctuation. Congratulations! See? Instantly more cheerful.
You're succeeding on a higher plane than me and Mary.

Mary Macdonald: That ole pussy plane.

Bonnie Grogan: Pussy Plane™

Lily Evans: Aside from the fact that tv shows keep killing you guys off specifically, which I'll admit is endemic and something that needs to be addressed.

Mary Macdonald: Bonbons?

Bonnie Grogan: Yeah?

Mary Macdonald: Did Twin Peaks kill off a Sappho?
Is that why you hate Twin Peaks?

Bonnie Grogan: Don't mention Twin Peaks to me again honestly

Mary Macdonald: Then stop hate-watching it all the fucking time?

Bonnie Grogan: No.
What happened, Lily?

Lily Evans: Honestly nothing, just customers at work today being customers.

Mary Macdonald: You're just cranky because they make you wear a hairnet and it hides one of your best features.

Lily Evans: That too. How's the flat hunt going?

Mary Macdonald: Ever heard of Fred West's murder house?

Bonnie Grogan: I think so?

Mary Macdonald: So I think I met its twin today.

Bonnie Grogan: ????

Lily Evans: Is this the kind of story that I should fetch a drink for?

Mary Macdonald: I would if I were you, yeah.

Lily Evans: Cool cool, I'll be back in a sec.

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Georgia Boleyn-Smythe, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Friday 19th July 2019, 1:23 p.m.

====================

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Did you ask him? xx

James Potter: yeah i did
he said no
i'm really sorry

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: It's fine, that's what I thought he'd say xx
What about Remus and Peter? xxx

James Potter: yeah they've both said they'll come
thank you though
for giving me three plus ones
and for letting me invite him with one of them
it was really big of you

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: It's fine xxx
I mean, it's not, and I still don't know what I've done wrong, but it's fine xx

James Potter: you haven't done anything wrong and it was really decent of you to invite him
i know he's not your ideal party guest

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: No, but he's your brother xxx
At least now he can't say that I excluded him on purpose since I bet he was going to xx

James Potter: no he can't
and my dad pointed that out to him as well

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Your dad is so nice xxx
I'm so glad that Remus and Peter are coming too xxx
Do you know what you're wearing yet? xx

James Potter: i think the right answer to that question is something that complements your dress
yes/no?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Did your mum tell you to say that? xxx

James Potter: no!
i came up with it all by myself
was it the right answer?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Lol you can wear whatever you want as long as it suits the dress code xxx

James Potter: but ideally something that goes with your outfit??

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Ideally yes, it will look better in the photos xx
Mum booked the photographer who did my cousin Serephina's engagement shoot and I'm so excited, her work is gorgeous xxx
But don't feel like you HAVE to xx

James Potter: i want to!
we're a couple so we should look like a couple, right?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: You're amazing xxx

James Potter: no YOU'RE amazing
and
not that i'm sneakily trying to get you to come over to my house
but if you DID come over to my house you could take a look at my clothes and tell me what you want me to wear??
also pete wants to know if he's allowed to wear trainers

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: I don't mind trainers, but my mum wouldn't like it and she's already super on edge because Aubrey's threatening to wear a tracksuit on the night xx

James Potter: no problem
i'll tell him to wear shoes
can't picture your brother in a tracksuit ngl

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Aubrey wouldn't be caught dead in a tracksuit, he's trying to wind her up and she's falling for it xx

James Potter: so what about my outfit?
do you want to come over and help me pick it out?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Maybe? xxx
We could go out and buy something new? xx
Or you could show your mum a picture of my dress and she could pick something out for you? I love the way she dresses xxx

James Potter: yeah she's perpetually on trend
or so she says
i'll talk to her and let you know

*

In a way it was lucky that Liam Holland was too busy with his summer job and home renovations to pop by the trampoline park during the day, because—much like Jo March—Lily's pretty, dark red hair was her one real vanity, and Mary was entirely right, she really did hate the fucking hairnet.

"You look like a sexy dinner lady," Bonnie had remarked upon first popping in, which softened the blow a little, but not much, given that every dinner lady who'd worked in their school had been well on their way to their sixties.

Bonnie didn't need a summer job because her parents were comfortably well off, so she popped in quite often to stand by the wooden counter, guzzling grande americanos and snacking on pita and hummus while she and Lily had their chats. The job left Lily's feet aching and she'd gotten a nasty cut from a smashed glass that would probably leave a scar between her forefinger and thumb, but at least her boss was cool with her friends dropping by.

"Has Kingston asked for your first month of rent yet?" Bon asked her during a quiet Sunday morning session which catered to children with autism and sensory disorders, and was Lily's favourite session to work. "Because Dad's been asked to pay mine by August 1st and he's fuming about it. He says he shouldn't have to pay beyond the deposit until we know for sure that I got in."

Bonnie had a conditional offer from Southampton to study History and Modern Languages, and was likely to get a place come A Level results day, given that French was one of her subjects and she was fluent.

"Er, yeah, they did," said Lily, who was carefully cutting a heap of soft bread rolls down the middle. "We paid it last night, but I'm sure they have to give it back if you don't get in."

"They better, or Dad'll hit the roof."

"Well, you are gonna get in," Lily pointed out, "so he definitely won't."

"It made it seem very real, though," Bonnie remarked. "I might be slightly bricking it."

"What, you mean moving?"

"Yeah, moving, and just uni in general," said Bon, tapping her fingertips on the coffee cup she'd pressed between her palms. "Like, I know this whole town is a shithole and there's nothing ever happening, but I've been living here since I was like, five, and I've never lived alone and I'm worried that my flatmate might be shit, and we're all splitting up—you and me and Mary and King and the others—and I dunno, it just feels weird." She looked up at Lily, brows furrowed, head tilted to one side. "And scary. Sort of. A bit. D'you know what I mean?"

Lily did know.

She knew all of it. Keenly. And would have liked to think about it less.

With the exception of Liam Holland, none of her friends had applied to any London schools, let alone to Kingston. Mary's choices were all in or around Edinburgh, Kingsley's top pick was Leeds, Isabella's was Brighton, and Wendy was headed to Newcastle, should her results have allowed it. These were people she had known and loved since childhood, and since it felt very weak to admit that she was scared shitless by the prospect of what her life would look like without them in her orbit, steady and constant and safe, Lily was pretending to be just as starrily excited as the uni brochures and movies continued to tell her she should be.

Not that she wasn't excited.

She was.

She'd been desperate to relocate to London since she was six.

It was just…

Perhaps they were all scared shitless and too afraid to say it. Perhaps everyone was holding something back, and perhaps there was a reason why Lily had regressed to her sixteen-year-old self's obsession with playing so much W3 in her spare time.

(A reason beyond that—well, that anxiety attack of a boy who had jammed himself into her brain without warning or explanation, but she couldn't foresee that having any particular impact on her real life)

And if Liam Holland did get into Kingston, what then? He either fancied her or he didn't, and both options were frightening in their own, particularly horrifying way. Lily had resolved to tell him how she felt if they both got in, but if she did, and if he didn't feel the same way, she'd lose the only friend she had in uni. Even if he swore that they'd stay friends. That was never how it worked.

And if he did feel the same way, if they dated and then broke up… she'd lose the only friend she had in uni.

And what if she couldn't find any other friends? What if she was consigning herself to three years with a heap of acquaintances but no really, truly, kindred other person? No sister beneath the skin? No Bonnie. No Mary. No Diana to her Anne.

What if London swallowed her whole and spat her out lonely?

But that seemed like a lot—was a lot—to drop on her friend's shoulders, especially since Lily had only just (for the most part) escaped her early-summer funk with Bonnie's help.

"Yeah," she softly admitted. "I suppose I kind of do."

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Moony, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 24th July 2019, 7:16 p.m.

====================

Wormtail: I'm online and ready to rumble.

Moony: Same here.

Josie: How are my lovely LT Boys doing tonight?

Wormtail: LT?

Josie: Yeah.
Bacon and I are on the outs atm.

Moony: Weren't you always?

Josie: Excellent point. Yes, but.
I had hope for better.
Now I know I can kiss that dream goodbye.

siriusblack: What did the bastard do to you, angel?

Josie: I showed him my heart.
He rejected it.
Tale as old as time, really.

siriusblack: Wanker

Josie: So if anyone's got a very small violin lying around…

Wormtail: LOL

Bacon4Algernon: i wouldn't worry too much about it, princess
most people would reject decaying organs

Moony: Wow.

Josie: WELL now

Wormtail: LMAO

siriusblack: I think you might have to give him some credit for that one, Jo

Josie: Yeah.
Honestly.
Well done.
Can't even complain tbh.

siriusblack: Fair dues, fair dues

Josie: I especially like how he says my heart's decayING, as opposed to FULLY decayed.
Indicating that it could somehow be saved from complete ruination.

siriusblack: By the power of the love he's denied you

Josie: Innit
But he'd rather let me suffer.

siriusblack: Got it in one

Josie: Alas
My loneliness
Is (indeed)
Killing me

Moony: I see we've reached the point where there are Britney Spears quotes attacking unprovoked in the group chat.

Josie: And?

siriusblack: So cultured
So refined

Josie: Yeah I love Britney Spears in a really big way, what of it?
Do I wish I'd been born a few decades earlier so I could have been around during her peak? Yes.
Am I ashamed of it? No.

Bacon4Algernon: "i will share NO personal information EVER" she said
before telling us that she's into britney spears

Josie: Because it'll now be so easy to single me out amongst that notoriously miniscule pool of her fans, sure.
Next time I'll pick a less obscure musician.

Moony: I suppose you did hint at your age.
Although you already mentioned looking for a pre-uni summer job, so it doesn't add much.

Bacon4Algernon: she's eighteen

Wormtail: How do you know that?

Bacon4Algernon: because she told me she's eighteen

Josie: You told me you were eighteen first.

siriusblack: Aren't you two getting cosy in your secret private chats?

Bacon4Algernon: we are NOT having secret private chats!

Josie: He also told me he thinks I must look like Isla Fisher during one of the secret private chats we've "not" been having.

siriusblack: HAH

Josie: He tried to take it back later, but I was there, and he said what he said.

Bacon4Algernon: NO I DID NOT SAY THAT

Moony: Jesus, Prongs, stop flirting with her.

Bacon4Algernon: I WASN'T

Josie: It would literally take me ten seconds to go back and get a screenshot.

Bacon4Algernon: i didn't say you LOOK like isla fisher i said you act with the UNDESERVED OVERCONFIDENCE of someone who looks like isla fisher when in fact you COULDN'T POSSIBLY look like the goddess isla fisher
which is WHY it's undeserved!

siriusblack: Prongs had a signed photo of Isla Fisher in his room before his girlfriend asked him to get rid of it.

Bacon4Algernon: she didn't ASK me to get rid of it i got rid of it of my own volition because i could tell it made her uncomfortable even though she didn't want to say anything about it
that's just the kind of boyfriend i am

Josie: Got rid of it = hid it in a drawer

Bacon4Algernon: don't you ever get tired of ALWAYS having to have a smart answer for EVERYTHING?

Josie: I dunno.
Does it bother you that it took you most of July to come up with just one?

Wormtail: LMAOOOOO

Bacon4Algernon: i'm gonna kill her, moony, i really am

Moony: Wait, why am I being made party to this?
Christ.
Leave me out of your murder fantasies, would you? I'm here to play a game.

siriusblack: Look mum, there's a man threatening a woman with violence on the internet
Now where have I seen that before?

Bacon4Algernon: i WASN'T
NO

Josie: Because there are non-brutal ways to end a woman's life?

Bacon4Algernon: IT WAS AN EXPRESSION IT WAS JUST AN EXPRESSION
ALSO THERE'S POISON
SO THERE

Moony: I'd argue that the brutality lies in the act of murder itself, irrespective of method.

Josie: Beautifully worded and eloquently put.

Wormtail: That's why he's the bread in our sandwich.

siriusblack: Sorry that Prongs wants to kill you, beloved

Bacon4Algernon: i DON'T!!
it was just an expression!
i'm sorry, alright? i'm sorry!

Josie: Apology accepted.
^ the above being an example of what one should do when offered an apology, watch me never throw this in your face again.

Bacon4Algernon: you know what i take it back, you can perish

Josie: LOL

Wormtail: ?????????

Josie: It's a secret private chat thing, don't worry about it.
So what are we doing tonight?

Moony: There's that Madame Maxime missing student quest running, so we could head over to Beauxbatons and give it a shot.

siriusblack: Might as well use that free Floo while we have it

Josie: That's what I was thinking.

Bacon4Algernon: oh
i see
so we're just talking about the game now like nothing happened, is that it?

Wormtail: Nothing HAS happened yet, we haven't started playing.

Bacon4Algernon: that wasn't what i meant but whatever
beauxbatons
let's bloody well get this over with

Moony: It's that kind of enthusiasm that makes you such a pleasure to play with. 

*

James had to sit on his hands to refrain from DMing Josie to snipe at her after the party finished up for the night.

Had to actually, forcibly, physically sit on his hands.

It was stupid, and he was being militant where he didn't have to be, because talking to a girl who wasn't his girlfriend was not duplicitous in and of itself. Case in point, he and Camelia Pinkstone were good mates even though they'd dated for a while in year 12, and Georgia wasn't bothered by that in the slightest. She knew that Josie was in their party and that it naturally followed that they would have to talk semi-regularly. He wasn't doing anything wrong.

But it felt a bit wrong regardless, so he'd decided against initiating any further private conversations.

Better to nip that in the bud before it caused any kind of actual problem.

Only then Josie had messaged him last Wednesday and it would have been weak—nay, dishonourable—if he'd refused to defend himself from her sly accusations, so he had responded, and they had argued, and it was the most fun that James had had in weeks, like his brain was being run through a car wash, but in the best possible way.

And that was wrong.

He wasn't quite sure how it was wrong, or why, only that it was, in some shadow-shrouded, back alley sort of way. He knew that it would hurt his girlfriend terribly to learn that he'd gotten more enjoyment out of an online argument with a random girl than he had from being with Georgia lately, especially since that wasn't her fault at all. She'd been going through a pretty rough time, what with the party planning and her duo of troublesome brothers, not to mention the matter of his brother's disdain, which continued to loom large above their heads. The invite to her birthday had been her way of offering a truce, but Sirius had turned his nose up at it, and there was nothing more to be done.

He had hoped—more fool him—that Sirius's recent attempts at basic civility would have sufficed, but wasn't sure if that was enough for Georgia, even though she had been putting a brave face on it all. She had enough uncertainty boiling over in her own, fractured family. She wanted his acceptance. She wanted to be liked.

James wasn't going to add to her worries by encouraging this… this nothing, that really was nothing, but which might have looked like something to an outsider.

So he sat on his hands until they burned with pins and needles and the urge to snark at Josie went away.

Then he climbed into bed and spent an hour dreaming up retorts that he could level at her next week, which made him feel like an utter prick.

At least he'd successfully put Josie off the idea of DMing ever again, if she was a woman of her word, which he imagined she probably was.

He simply wouldn't reach out either.

Everything would stay as it was meant to.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Private Chat

Members: Josie, siriusblack

Resumed: Saturday 27th July 2019, 7:47 p.m.

====================

siriusblack: I'm bored
So bored
So very, very bored
Are you ever bored, Josie?
Jojo
Josephine

Josie: Something tells me I'm about to be.

siriusblack: Truth be told, I've been abandoned

Josie: Unfortunately for you, I never did find that tiny violin.

siriusblack: Prongs and the others are at her ladyship's birthday party while I'm stuck here at home
What kind of mates are they, I ask you?
Cruelly neglectful

Josie: Are you honestly surprised that you weren't invited, given everything that's gone on?

siriusblack: I was invited
Just didn't want to go and play nice with that uppity cow

Josie: And that constitutes "abandoned" to you, does it?
Because there are babies left in tote bags on church steps.
Just to offer some perspective.

siriusblack: Wish my parents had done that

Josie: ???

siriusblack: I'm adopted
Prongs isn't
His mum and dad took me in a few years ago
Mine surrendered their parental rights
There you have it

Josie: Oh.
Come to think of it, that actually explains a couple of comments you've made in the past.
So that's how you two met each other?

siriusblack: Nah, I've known him since we were kids and he broke the egg donor's window with a football
He's a good lad
Too good for that fucking future Love Island contestant

Josie: Clearly harsher words have never been spoken.

siriusblack: They won't last
He keeps banging on like I have to put the effort in with her because they're going to be a long term thing, but they won't
She has no sense of humour and keeps expecting him to read her mind
Then she punishes him for days when he can't
By the end of summer they'll be done and I'll look like a fucking genius

Josie: Even if all of that was true, which I bet it isn't because you've painted it like it's ALL her fault, that's not a reason to make no effort.
Yeah, odds are this girlfriend eventually becomes ancient history, but he's going to have others, and eventually one of them might stick, and if you keep looking for reasons to hate ALL of them it's going to be HIM you wind up pushing away.

siriusblack: I can't fuck with the idea of his future procession of terrible girlfriends on an empty stomach
Can't you just take him off her hands?

Josie: No.

siriusblack: I reckon you'd be in with a shot

Josie: No.

siriusblack: I mean it
He enjoys you so much that it's pissing him right the fuck off

Josie: Again, no.

siriusblack: Already taken, are you?

Josie: Nope.

siriusblack: Lesbian?

Josie: If I pretended I was, would it get me out of this conversation?

siriusblack: No

Josie: Oh, joy of joys.
Why don't you just go to the bloody party, if all you're doing instead is staying home and sulking about it and BOTHERING me?

siriusblack: Because she's a cow

Josie: She made an effort with you by inviting you to her party.

siriusblack: And?

Josie: And it's not all about YOU and what you want?
Even if they don't last, even if they break up tomorrow, she's important to your brother NOW and the two of you hating each other so much is visibly stressing him out, so unless it would literally kill you to take the olive branch she's offered and fake being nice for part of an evening, I don't see why you can't just suck it up and GO.
You wouldn't even have to have a conversation with her, just wish her a happy birthday and tell her that her outfit's nice, or some shit like that.

siriusblack: And if her outfit's fuck ugly? What then?

Josie: You are FAR too smart to be asking me that question.

siriusblack: And here I thought you valued honesty

Josie: I value tact a whole lot more.

siriusblack: You wouldn't know it from the way you sling insults around the group chat left right and centre.

Josie: Touché, but none of you are dating my sibling.
Are you going to go to the party or not?

siriusblack: I might
What are you up to?

Josie: Not much until you sod off and leave me in peace.

siriusblack: Alright, I get the message
You really don't care who you hurt, do you?
What a breath of fresh air you are

*

"You alright over there?"

Lily glanced up from her phone at Bonnie, who was curled up on the other end of the sofa in her tank top and pink pyjama shorts, her tight black curls pulled into a messy bun, one leg in and one leg out of her comforter, and balancing a bowl of popcorn in her lap. The remnants of the face mask they'd both scraped from their faces remained dotted on the soft line of her jaw.

It was sleepover night, and Lily was meant to be watching the movie, particularly since she was the one who'd chosen it.

She attempted to look, and sound, noncommittal. "Hmm?"

"You just looked very serious, that's all."

"Oh. Yeah, no I'm fine," Lily assured her. "Just… caring about what happens to someone when I probably really shouldn't? It's honestly nothing."

"Mysterious," her friend intoned, before returning her attention to the film.

If it had been Mary on the other end of the sofa, Lily wouldn't have gotten off that easily. Mary pushed for information like a dog with a bone, single-minded and determined to never let go, but Bon let people come to her at their own pace, which was probably why people always wound up telling Bonnie more.

It was lucky, really. Lily truly didn't know why she was bothered, and so couldn't have explained it, were she asked.

She hit the back arrow on her conversation with Padfoot and her eyes were immediately drawn to the name Bacon4Algernon, sitting just below it in her list of DMs. A stab of irritation rammed itself directly in her gut.

There was no reason for her to check the app twenty times a day just to see if he had messaged her again, yet she kept doing it, and that kind of made her want to chuck her phone at the wall.

Again, there was no immediate explanation.

Stupid boys on the internet.

Stupid boy on the internet.

She closed Discord down entirely and shoved her phone beneath her thigh.

*

WhatsApp Group: Tits out 4 Sooty & Sweep

Members: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Saturday 27th July 2019, 8:26 p.m.

====================

Sirius Black: Where did you say the party was happening again?

Remus Lupin: Beaufort House, why?

Sirius Black: On King's Road?

Remus Lupin: Yeah.

Sirius Black: Alright, I'm nearly there so I'll see you in a bit

James Potter: ?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!

*

Seeking out his girlfriend to explain that Sirius had about-faced on her and Aubrey's party—their carefully planned, invite-only party in Beaufort House's sought-after champagne bar, for which all food and drinks and favours had been confirmed a week before based on the specific number of guests who had RSVPed yes—was the scariest thing that James had had to do in the three months they'd been dating.

She took the news in silence, staring at him with limpid eyes that refused to blink while Remus and Peter hovered near the bar and threw them glances, looking awkward as arse in their starched white shirts and formal shoes, like they were waiting for someone's mum to line them up in front of a door and take innumerable back-to-school photos.

"He's already on his way?" was her only question.

Her expression was scarily inscrutable.

To expend some nervous energy without bouncing up and down on his heels, James tried to shove a hand through his hair, but it felt unpleasantly, unfamiliar crispy because he had gelled it into submission at Georgia's special request. He pretended that he was merely smoothing it down.

"Er, yeah," he replied, wincing as he dropped his arm by his side. His hair felt bloody disgusting. "Said he'll be here in a minute."

"Why?"

"I don't know. That's literally all he said."

Georgia's eyes travelled to the long trestle table which had been pushed against a wall. "The food—"

"He can have my share, if there isn't enough."

"But we never got his dietary requirements. What if—"

"He doesn't have any. What I eat, he eats," James hurriedly explained, but Georgia's mouth merely pulled to one side, consternation breaking through her hitherto impenetrable veil. "Look, d'you want me to tell him to leave when he gets here?"

She blinked up at him in a rather pronounced way. Her eyelashes were longer and more plentiful than usual. "You would do that?"

"Of course I would," he said, but refrained from adding only if that's what you want, which felt like the right thing to do in this situation, and also like his mother's advice ringing loudly in his ears.

It seemed that this was the winning move, because Georgia let out a breath of such visible relief that it loosened her whole body, and her hand slipped softly into his.

"He can stay, it's fine," she sighed, and her expression was all at once adoring in a way James hadn't really seen for a couple of weeks, "but I'll have to come out with you because he's not on the list and they won't let him in if I don't—"

"Alright?" said Sirius, drawing level with them both.

His hands were in his pockets, there was kohl on his eyes, and he carried himself with an ease which suggested that he belonged there even more than the birthday girl and boy.

He was also dressed smartly enough to please even Georgia's mother, a snobbish, overbearing woman who survived on copious bottles of pinot and whatever overpriced clothing Harrods was peddling these days like the worst kind of bon vivant cliche, which was a relief; not that Sirius didn't usually dress better than the rest of them, but because James wouldn't have been surprised if he'd flouted the dress code in an effort to piss Georgia off. 

"How'd you get in?" James accused, in the manner of a man who expected to find two decapitated bouncers when he left later that evening.

Sirius merely laughed in the face of his suspicion. "Happy to see you too."

"I mean what name did you give?"

"Didn't give a name, they just let me in." He gave Georgia a quick nod. "Happy birthday, Boleyn."

Her voice was curt. Defensive. "Thanks."

Sirius's gaze travelled down to her feet, upon which she wore a pair of slingback pumps in embellished black leather. James knew this because he'd been with her for the hour it had taken to choose them and had found the entire process eerily reminiscent of childhood shopping trips with his mother. "Where'd you get the shoes?"

"Westfield Centre," James answered, and squeezed her hand. He had to be ready to defend her—even force Sirius to leave—if required.

His brother was still studying the shoes. "Kurt Geiger?"

"Um, yeah." Georgia glanced at her own shoes as though she feared they'd be magically swapped for a pair of flippers. "How did you know that?"

He looked up and shrugged. "Look at who our mum is. You've got good taste, they really pull the look together."

Surprise crossed her pretty features. "Thank you?"

With that forced social nicety out of the way, Sirius's gaze slid back to James—more specifically, to the gelled-down hair he had hurriedly sorted on the bus to avoid being made fun of at home—and his lips curled into a smirk. "You look like a fucking bank manager, mate."

"Thanks a bunch," James flatly responded. "Why did you decide to just turn up all of a sudden?"

"Oh, 'cause Josie told me to."

James's insides did a funny little twirl.

"Josie?" Georgia repeated, her hand sliding out of his grasp.

"Yeah, turns out she's a stickler for good behaviour," With a civility that was remarkable in that it bordered on actually being pleasant, Sirius sent another nod in Georgia's direction. "I'm going to get a drink. Want anything?"

"Um." She looked utterly bewildered. "Another champagne would be nice."

"Coming right up," he said, and sauntered his way to the bar, where he was converged upon by Pete and Remus and stared at by at least twenty former classmates who had harboured hopeless crushes on him for their entire sixth form careers.

James stared too, albeit for a completely different reason.

"I can't believe Josie told him to come here," he breathed, in a voice which was, perhaps, a little too overawed.

"I'm surprised Josie knows I exist," Georgia muttered, and stalked off to join her friends.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Moony, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 31st July 2019, 7:22 p.m.

====================

Moony: I'm online.

Wormtail: Me too.

siriusblack: Me three

Josie: One sec, just making a cup of tea.

siriusblack: And just like that, another layer of her mystique peels away
She drinks tea, boys
Now we know

Josie: Yet another major slip.
You practically have my NINO at this stage.

Moony: There can't be more than three or four people in the country who drink tea AND listen to Britney Spears, surely?

Wormtail: Five at most!

siriusblack: She also watches the WWE, don't forget

Josie: Unless you ask Bacon, then apparently I don't.

Moony: That narrows it down to three.
Speaking of Prongs, why isn't he online?

siriusblack: It was his night to cook so he's packing up the leftovers for tomorrow's lunch
He'll be on in a bit

Josie: Bacon COOKS?

siriusblack: Yeah

Josie: Cooks FOOD?

Wormtail: His mum taught him from birth, practically.

siriusblack: I don't because I joined the family late and also because I don't want to, but I load the dishwasher every night, which is practically the same thing

Moony: He's a very good cook, actually.
What did he make?

siriusblack: Paella

Moony: Nice.

siriusblack: Was lush
Had two helpings

Josie: Paella as in paella from scratch, not from a microwave packet he dug out of the freezer?

siriusblack: If Prongs tried to serve us a microwave dinner our mum would have his balls for earrings

Josie: I am… genuinely surprised to learn this.

siriusblack: I know, she's got such dainty ears, it just wouldn't work

Josie: I meant about the cooking you arduous crone.
I completely had him down as a Pop Tarts kind of person.

siriusblack: To be fair, he is a Pop Tarts kind of person
But he's also an egg yolk ravioli kind of person
More importantly, is any of this making you want to nick him from his girlfriend? Because that offer still stands

Josie: I can feed myself, thanks.

Bacon4Algernon: soul eaters have no use for expertly-cooked paella
they survive on the forcibly-gained vitality of their emptied, dead-eyed, shell-like, lifeless victims
and are much like roombas in that regard

Josie: Did that insult come out more or less impressive than it seemed when you prepared it in advance a week ago?

Bacon4Algernon: also STOP trying to offer me to other women you freak

Wormtail: Do you think one day they'll remember that we exist, Moons?

Josie: LOL

Moony: Personally I feel like I thrive in a side-character role, so I can't say that I particularly mind it.

siriusblack: Moony hates being the centre of attention
Or talking about himself
That's why he surrounds himself with a bunch of main character mates

Wormtail: What genre of film would I be the main character of?

Bacon4Algernon: preparing insults in advance would suggest that you, josie, exist for me at all outside of wednesday evenings when i am forced to endure your company

Josie: So you admit that you prepare them in advance?

Bacon4Algernon: and how exactly was i supposed to prepare an insult around the concept of a dinner that i wasn't even making for another bloody week? answer me THAT

Josie: "Sirius, make sure you tell her that I cook."
Also @Wormtail I think your genre would be early 2000s buddy comedy a la Harold and Kumar.

siriusblack: He did ask me to tell you he cooked, actually

Bacon4Algernon: I FUCKING DID NOT

Wormtail: I was thinking more along the lines of a James Bond film myself lol

siriusblack: As who, Miss fucking Moneypenny?
Are we playing or not? I'm growing a beard waiting

Moony: Yeah, let's start. I have to be up at 3am to leave for the airport so if we could be done by around 10 I'd appreciate it.

Josie: Where are you off to?

Moony: Dubrovnik with my parents, for an extra long weekend.

Josie: Oh cool! I love Croatia!
Do you have any specific plans, or is it more of a wander and explore kind of trip?

siriusblack: He can tell you about his trip next week, let's get fucking GOING

Josie: LOL
I tried, mate, I really did try.

Moony: It's alright, I'll DM you.

Josie: Cool cool.

Bacon4Algernon: i guess it was nice knowing moony while he still had a soul, but he'll be lost to us before too long

Moony: Sorry, I forgot that you're the only one allowed to DM her.

Bacon4Algernon: that is NOT AT ALL what
you know what?
you know WHAT?
i'm so bloody sick of you all, i really am

Wormtail: Wtf did I do?!?

Bacon4Algernon: except for you
if you want to be james bond you go right ahead and be james bond, mate 

siriusblack: Just log on to the fucking game, you lovelorn romcom doe-eyed clean shirt prick

Bacon4Algernon: what??

Wormtail: He's saying that's your movie genre

Bacon4Algernon: NO IT'S BLOODY NOT

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Private Chat

Members: Bacon4Algernon, Josie

Resumed: Wednesday 31st July 2019, 10:51 p.m.

====================

Bacon4Algernon: did you really talk my brother into going to my girlfriend's birthday?

Josie: Did he tell you that I did?

Bacon4Algernon: yes

Josie: Then you already have your answer, so why are you asking me?

Bacon4Algernon: because
why

Josie: What?

Bacon4Algernon: why as in WHY did you do that?
did you think it was funny or something?
did you think he'd show up and cause trouble?

Josie: Oh my god.

Bacon4Algernon: oh my god what?

Josie: Oh my god SERIOUSLY?
Are you really that bloody arrogant?

Bacon4Algernon: i'm not arrogant!

Josie: Oh you SO are, if you think I just sit around scheming against you and centering you in my decisions all fucking day long!

Bacon4Algernon: no that's not what i'm saying!

Josie: He was bored and clearly wishing he was with the three of you and he wouldn't stop pestering me so I convinced him to go and I TOLD him to be nice to your girlfriend, so if he wasn't that's NOT my fault.
Not that that's an option you would have considered, is it? Because it would have required you to think of me as a human being as opposed to some egomaniacal monster who exists to ruin your life, wouldn't it?

Bacon4Algernon: that isn't
no
i don't think you're a monster

Josie: Right, no, you only think I'd actually set about ruining another girl's birthday party just to get some petty revenge on you for no reason.
It's insulting.
And I don't mean "haha fun this is all jokes on the internet" insulting.
Just fucking insulting.

Bacon4Algernon: i'm sorry

Josie: You're not.

Bacon4Algernon: no i am!
i am sorry!
that was really harsh of me and i shouldn't have said it
i don't even know why i did it's like
like i floated out of my body and was watching myself being a dickhead and i just
i'm sorry

Josie: Sure.

Bacon4Algernon: i am, i really am
i think i just
fuck
i don't know how to say this in the right way

Josie: Try anyway, you seem intelligent enough to string something together.

Bacon4Algernon: it's just that you seem so relaxed all the time like
like nothing ever bothers you
and obviously i'm not like that
and i think i just didn't want to credit you with having any feelings so i could TRY to bother you without feeling guilty about it
but now i feel guilty anyway

Josie: Right.

Bacon4Algernon: i'm sorry for what i said
i honestly am

Josie: Okay, then.

Bacon4Algernon: is that a "we're cool" okay or okay i'm a prick and you're quitting the party?

Josie: It's a "we're cool" okay, I think?
I do appreciate you saying that, really.
It was very, like
Accountable
Of you

Bacon4Algernon: oh
okay
well
good?

Josie: And I guess it's not like I don't deserve it, since I've basically been like a cactus with you guys since we all first met.
I probably had it coming, so there's that?

Bacon4Algernon: cacti are pretty cool plants though
they've adapted to survive droughts and arid landscapes
some of them live for over 100 years
their spines protect them from predators
there are even native american tribes that consider cacti to be the guardians of the desert
so all in all
not the worst company to be in?

Josie: How do you know so much about cacti?

Bacon4Algernon: i have a freakishly good memory and travel down a lot of wikipedia wormholes in the night
it leads to a lot of useless knowledge and not much else

Josie: I mean, those cactus facts were weirdly comforting, considering I'm sitting here reflecting on what an absolute bitch I've been, so I wouldn't call your knowledge useless?
Fuck it, I'm sorry too. For how I started out.
It's not an excuse and I really don't want to go into detail about it, but I had a bad experience before and was trying to protect myself from that and wound up going to extremes, it wasn't about you or your friends at all.

Bacon4Algernon: oh
sort of like a cactus?

Josie: Lol
Exactly like a cactus, yeah.

Bacon4Algernon: anyway
thanks
for talking sirius into going
my girlfriend's been refusing to come over because she didn't want to deal with him but now she says she will again, so it helped

Josie: It's alright.
I think he just loves you so much that he struggles a bit when you're not around.
But really I'm on your girlfriend's side in all of this.

Bacon4Algernon: honestly you're right to be
and you're right about him
not that that's bad exactly, because there's a lot going on with him that i doubt he's told you but
yeah
thank you
again
and i'm sorry
again
actually i'm really not sure what to say now, i've never had an argument with someone and resolved it that fast before

Josie: Lol really?

Bacon4Algernon: yeah really
i'm sitting here thinking that there has to be more
like there's something else you're still mad about but i won't find out what it is for another week

Josie: You admitted that you'd done a shitty thing and said sorry, I admitted that I'd done a shitty thing and said sorry, and I'm pretty sure that's all that's required?
If you'd done something else to piss me off I'd just tell you.

Bacon4Algernon: you're very honest

Josie: If I was very honest, you wouldn't think that nothing ever bothers me, I promise.

Bacon4Algernon: well then, you're very straightforward

Josie: I guess it's easier to curate what you're straightforward about on the internet, yeah?

Bacon4Algernon: very true
unfortunately i am a mess everywhere
so
tragedy inevitably ensues

Josie: LOL

Bacon4Algernon: anyway, i'll leave you alone now
have a good night being mysterious and drinking tea and listening to britney spears and maybe/maybe not looking like isla fisher, who am i to say?

Josie: Lol sure, have a good night reading up on Wiki about the dancing plague of 1518, or something similar.

Bacon4Algernon: there was a dancing plague in 1518?!

Josie: Google it and thank me later.

Bacon4Algernon: yeah i might just
goodnight then
cactus girl

Josie: Lol
Goodnight
Nemesis whale

Bacon4Algernon: splish splash splish splash splish splash?

Josie: LMFAO

Chapter Text

"Wish we could turn back time
To the good old days
When our mamas sang
Us to sleep but now we're stressed out"
- Twenty One Pilots

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Remus Lupin, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Thursday 1st August 2019, 5:24 p.m.

====================

James Potter: one of the cleaners at beaufort house found your airpods and handed them in

Remus Lupin: Really?

James Potter: yeah
aubrey picked them up earlier

Remus Lupin: Thank fuck for that.
Mum was having a meltdown over the cost of replacing them.

James Potter: tell her georgia's going to bring them over tomorrow, so you'll be reunited with them soon

Remus Lupin: Brilliant.
Thank her for me, would you?

James Potter: sure
but for obvious reasons i don't intend to detail my methods of doing so

Remus Lupin: I'd rather she didn't think that whatever gratitude you decide to give her was my idea, thanks.
So she's properly visiting, then? Not just dropping them over?

James Potter: yep!
setting foot in my house once again!
sirius said he'll leave us alone for the afternoon and she's staying for dinner
where he will be present but he's promised to continue his good work of the weekend and treat her like a human
so
for the first time in weeks i am a man in a relationship that is sailing on smooth seas

Remus Lupin: I still can't believe he came.

James Potter: i know

Remus Lupin: When he started talking to her about that housewives show I thought my drink had been spiked.

James Potter: I KNOW
i mean i know he loves those housewives
but until about an hour before that moment the best i could have hoped for from him re: georgia was a non-threatening "hey"

Remus Lupin: You have to wonder what Josie said to him to bring that about.
And by that, I mean when did she find the time to have him lobotomised?

James Potter: if he wasn't sirius i'd assume some sort of sexual favour had been promised
but he IS sirius,
so it can't be that

Remus Lupin: And why would she promise sexual favours just to give you an easier time of it?

James Potter: so now i'm not worth a sexual favour or two?
is my value as a person truly so low?
that's harsh, remus
HARSH

Remus Lupin: I meant that you're not exactly best mates with her, are you?

James Potter: i wish you'd said that to georgia on saturday night

Remus Lupin: What?

James Potter: would have helped

Remus Lupin: Hang on, you said you were smooth sailing a minute ago. What happened to that?

James Potter: smooth sailing NOW, sure
the weekend was a different story

Remus Lupin: What happened?

James Potter: she basically accused me of fancying josie at the party
then she denied it when i asked her what she meant
but i knew what she meant
it's fine now though, i told her that i don't and that you're all sick of me bringing her up in the discord chat all the time
by her i mean georgia obviously

Remus Lupin: Right.

James Potter: and why would i be doing that if i was trying to get off with some other girl?
so she seems alright with it now, i think
she texted me on monday and said she's sorry and that i shouldn't have to feel guilty about making a new friend just because she's a girl and she's been in a really good mood ever since
not that josie's a friend
but you get me

Remus Lupin: Yeah.
Jesus.

James Potter: but it's still really weird
why josie of all people? i've only ever complained about her to georgia so it makes no sense
especially when she's been so cool about me staying mates with camelia and we ACTUALLY used to go out?

Remus Lupin: Right.

James Potter: right

Remus Lupin: So it doesn't strike you as odd that Camelia was the only girl from our year who wasn't at the party?

James Potter: not true
lucinda zheng wasn't there

Remus Lupin: Lucinda Zheng wasn't there because she broke her leg dancing on a table.

James Potter: on a TABLE?

Remus Lupin: Yeah.

James Potter: wtf
was she drunk doing body shots in magaluf or something?

Remus Lupin: She was filming a dance video for her socials in her mum's kitchen.
How do you miss these things?

James Potter: well commiserations to lucinda's botched influencer career but i do not listen to the excretions of the vicious gossip mill

Remus Lupin: You love gossip when it's not about you and sometimes even when it is, shut up.

James Potter: and cami probably just had other plans

Remus Lupin: Have you asked her?

James Potter: no
we talk about football once a month or something that's it, we're not that close, and it would be weird to ask
and would it even be that bad if she wasn't invited?
would you invite your girlfriend's ex to your birthday?

Remus Lupin: I'd have to have a girlfriend first.
A girl would actually have to be interested first.
But probably not? I don't know.
It would depend on what she wanted.

James Potter: i thought we agreed that you're not going to talk about yourself like that anymore

Remus Lupin: YOU agreed.

James Potter: yeah, because you are a prince among men

Remus Lupin: Princes with congenital heart disease get removed from the line of succession.

James Potter: since nobody's relying on you to one day serve the country as monarch, i think you'll be fine?

Remus Lupin: Boys my age with congenital heart disease don't get girlfriends either.

James Potter: REMUS

Remus Lupin: I'm not upset. I've made my peace with it, it's fine, but who do you know who'd want to go out with someone who gets hypertension and RTIs ten times a year?

James Potter: someone smart and fit with VERY HIGH STANDARDS who likes thoughtful freckled men
you think it won't happen but it'll happen
just you wait
my gut feelings about these things are always right
it's like a superpower
comes from being the product of true love
don't tell sirius i said that

Remus Lupin: I was just going to say that sometimes it's like you were raised in a Disney cartoon, but it seems you beat me to it.

James Potter: btw mum says do you want to come round for dinner on sunday?
then you can get your airpods too

Remus Lupin: Is she sure?
I don't want to put her out.

James Potter: i'll be cooking
we're doing a garden bbq

Remus Lupin: Oh, cool. I have no problem putting you out.

James Potter: wow thanks i feel so used now
and not in a good way either

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Georgia Boleyn-Smythe, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Thursday 1st August 2019, 5:59 p.m.

====================

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Hey you xxx

James Potter: hey you

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Lol who have you been texting all this time? xx

James Potter: what?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: You've been online for ages, so I was just wondering xxx

James Potter: i was just talking to remus, why?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: No reason, just curious xxx
Did you tell him about the AirPods? xxx

James Potter: yeah i did, he asked me to thank you
and aubrey too, for picking them up

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Tell him it was no trouble! xxx

James Potter: you're still coming over tomorrow, right?

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Yeah of course! Probably not until half past 3 if that's alright? I have to watch Guinevere for a few hours xx

James Potter: yeah of course, come whenever
we don't eat dinner until 6 anyway

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe: Cool xx
Charlotte and Imogen and I are going to watch a film now but I'll text you later xx

James Potter: have fun!

*

WhatsApp Group: ASHBY Y13 SLUTTIES

Members: Kingsley Shacklebolt, Lily Evans, Bonnie Grogan, Wendy Wilde, Isabella Marks, Mary Macdonald

Chat Resumed: Saturday 3rd August 2019, 1:16 p.m.

====================

Wendy Wilde: we're all going out on results night yeah?

Mary Macdonald: When is it? I'm back on the 8th.

Lily Evans: Mary, how do you NOT know when it is?

Mary Macdonald: Bc I don't plan my social calendar around it? Lady Swotterson?

Bonnie Grogan: It's August 15th.

Kingsley Shacklebolt: Of course we're going out
@Lily Evans YOU TOO

Lily Evans: ???

Wendy Wilde: yeah lulu u have to come out no excuses this time u can't be studying for uni ALREADY

Kingsley Shacklebolt: I mean…… she could

Lily Evans: Oh ha ha.

Bonnie Grogan: It's free entry in Manhattan's all night so we could go there?

Kingsley Shacklebolt: I'm not going to fucking Manhattan's and getting stalked by Davey Gudgeon again all night I'm sorry but I'm not, not on a pivotal night in our lives
Let's go down to London
There'll be loads of places doing stuff for results night

Wendy Wilde: omg yes plsssssssss!!! ministry of sound party!!!
my cousin's going with her mates and she said a vip table was only 34 each per person and they get a bottle of tequila + mixers!!!

Bonnie Grogan: Right yeah let's spend 100 quid each on a train to do exactly what we'd do in Manhattan's.

Wendy Wilde: well it won't be exactly what we'd do because we won't be hiding king from davey gudgeon would we?? would we??

Kingsley Shacklebolt: We can drive down and split the cost of petrol

Bonnie Grogan: All of us in my car I suppose?

Kingsley Shacklebolt: Yes precious

Bonnie Grogan: Kingsley you're the size of a pro wrestler and my car's a tiny Micra, I don't want to fuck the suspension driving all of us there.

Lily Evans: Actually a lot of male pro wrestlers are quite lean these days.
Some of them are even sexy.

Bonnie Grogan: He's the size of a *great big hench pro wrestler.

Lily Evans: That's better.

Bonnie Grogan: And anyway I couldn't fix all six of us in the car even if Kingsley was one of the lean sexy ones.

Kingsley Shacklebolt: @Lily Evans Which wrestlers? I need to Google something urgently

Lily Evans: I'll text you a rec list later babe x

Wendy Wilde: send to me as well pls xo

Mary Macdonald: I just texted Liam Holland and he said he can come and take some of us in his car, so that'll save Bon's suspension from being fucked on the road.
He'd have to bring his dickhead cousin with him but we can like, kill him or something.

Kingsley Shacklebolt: So we're going yeah??
Yes???
HELLO?

Mary Macdonald: I'm just checking Ministry of Sound now.
They still have VIP tables left but we'd have to book asap before they sell out. It's £170 for the table which includes the drinks Wendy was talking about, plus entry for five of us, then we can book additional VIP tickets for the rest of the group.

Bonnie Grogan: It's a 6 hour round trip in the car.
We'd have to stay somewhere overnight??

Wendy Wilde: noooooooooo we stay out all night we sober up @ brekky & come back hanging let's gooooooooo

Bonnie Grogan: Fuck's sake.
Fine.

Wendy Wilde: ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!
@Isabella Marks @Lily Evans izzie lulu r u coming???

Lily Evans: I'm supposed to work on the 16th.

Kingsley Shacklebolt: EXCUSES EXCUSES
Ask to change shifts, it's the day after results night, they won't fucking mind

Lily Evans: I AM asking, hang on a sec.

Mary Macdonald: Nan says I can use her card to book now and you can all send me the money later.
So I need a headcount.

Kingsley Shacklebolt: You're a sexy little organisational wizard, Moo

Mary Macdonald: Innit.

Lily Evans: Alright Greg says it's fine to take the 16th off, I can come.

Kingsley Shacklebolt: BLESSED MIRACLE SHE LEAVES HER DESK AT LAST

Isabella Marks: Mum's already booked a family dinner in Taste of Thai for that night so I can't D:

Wendy Wilde: omg izzie ur 18 now tell ur mum to let you off the tit!!!

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Moony, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 7th August 2019, 6:44 p.m.

====================

Bacon4Algernon: bit early but i'm online whenever you lot are

Josie: Not on kitchen duty this evening?

Bacon4Algernon: oh no
it's you

Josie: Yep.
Me.
Maleficent herself.

Bacon4Algernon: how awkward that it's just us here because
(hang on and i'll check my script)
i hate you

Josie: I was worried that my hate was unrequited so this really sets me at ease, thanks.

Bacon4Algernon: that might make it less uncomfortable, actually
mutual hatred

Josie: Yeah it's the worst when you despise someone and they think you're pretty alright, actually.
Also
As a sidebar
Semi-related

Bacon4Algernon: yeah?

Josie: If Disney actually wanted us to loathe their villains as villains, they shouldn't have made most of them so cool.

Bacon4Algernon: i've been writing a thesis on that exact subject actually

Josie: Oh have you?

Bacon4Algernon: yeah
my plans have been a bit derailed by my recent independent study on dancing plagues in mainland europe between the 14th and 17th centuries, but it's still very much on the agenda

Josie: An independent study.

Bacon4Algernon: yeah

Josie: Right.
Sorry, I'm currently trying not to laugh at something completely unrelated, please carry on at your leisure.

Bacon4Algernon: i'm actually quite the scholar in my spare time, josie
which you'd know if you didn't hate me so much
you cactus

Josie: Send proof or it didn't happen.

Wormtail: Er
What have I walked in on?

Josie: A prelude to murder, clearly, what with all this base antagonism.
Can you feel it? Coming in the air tonight?

Bacon4Algernon: oh lord

Josie: I've been waiting for this moment someone to interrupt us.

Bacon4Algernon: for all my life
oh lord

Josie: Base antagonism. See?

Wormtail: Er
What?

Bacon4Algernon: banger of a song though

Josie: Yeah, I remembered you saying you loved 80s music so I took a punt and hey
Look at that

Wormtail: Alright I KNOW the words are English but it feels like I'm reading a foreign language, WHAT is going on?

siriusblack: Base antagonism, like they said
Though for fuck knows what reason, the thing about researching dancing plagues in ye olde Europe isn't a lie
He's had our dad watching fucking YouTube videos about it with him for days
Mum's just about had it with the both of them

Josie: Independent study, innit?

Bacon4Algernon: independent study

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin

Chat Resumed: Wednesday 7th August 2019, 6:59 p.m.

====================

Remus Lupin: He fancies her, doesn't he?

Sirius Black: Yeah

Remus Lupin: Does he know that he fancies her?

Sirius Black: No

Remus Lupin: Fair enough. Pub tomorrow?

Sirius Black: Yeah alright

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Moony, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 7th August 2019, 7:01 p.m.

====================

Moony: Welcome back at last, Prongs.

Bacon4Algernon: ??

Moony: Nice to see you in a good mood again.

Bacon4Algernon: i'm always in a good mood
always
in fact my sunny optimism is one of my best qualities

Moony: Alongside your gift for self-delusion.

Bacon4Algernon: exactly, see how you know me so well?
but being serious, i know i've been taking my tendencies towards the dramatic a bit too far and acting like a dick lately, so i'm going to do my best to rein it in from now on
apologies to everyone involved

Wormtail: Even Josie?

Bacon4Algernon: even the cactus, yeah

Wormtail: Cactus???

Josie: It's a long, prickly story, honestly.
Are we cracking on?

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Private Chat

Members: Bacon4Algernon, Josie

Resumed: Wednesday 7th August 2019, 11:08 p.m.

====================

Bacon4Algernon: so i'm thinking either
poor unfortunate shoals: examining the link between the large scale obliteration of unnamed characters in film and general antipathy to real world tragedy
or
a de vil by any other name would be less inclined to fucking kill those dogs: names shaping identity

Josie: I beg your pardon?

Bacon4Algernon: i'm pondering alternate topics
for the thesis
you said you wanted proof
so
leaving these with you before i hit the hay

Josie: Excuse me

Bacon4Algernon: what?

Josie: Did you just use the phrase hit the hay?

Bacon4Algernon: yeah

Josie: Because you're seventy-five years old?

Bacon4Algernon: lol
no
my dad always uses that expression at bedtime so it's something i'm trying
tbh i don't love it
but it sounds a lot more succinct than hit the vispring mattress

Josie: We've had a truce for all of five minutes and already I know your mattress brand.
You'll just give it all away, won't you?

Bacon4Algernon: well if you're going to be like THAT i'll never tell you where we get our towels from

Josie: HAH

Bacon4Algernon: now please
give me your feedback so i can go to bed, those sheep aren't going to count themselves

Josie: I'd go with the first one, but that's because I actually sort of hate it when a character is named for their predominant traits.

Bacon4Algernon: no i get you, i feel the same
especially when there's a twist coming that relates to that character
i wonder who the werewolf could be in this horror novel about joe boggs and his mysterious neighbour, hairy n. moonlight?

Josie: And his mate Fangs McGinty.
On that point, you won't BELIEVE who has been draining the necks of sleeping virgins in the night.

Bacon4Algernon: not old fangs "keeps out of the sun because he's skincare conscious" mcginty, surely?

Josie: Would be believable with a name like McGinty though.

Bacon4Algernon: the lesser known irish vampire

Josie: Anyway, I also need to visit my mattress.
(Wayfair, if you must know, and please appreciate that I checked)
So have a good sleep in your haystack.

Bacon4Algernon: i'll try to avoid the needle

Josie: LOL
Night!

*

WhatsApp Group: Tits out 4 Sooty & Sweep

Members: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, James Potter

Chat Resumed: Friday 9th August 2019, 10:46 a.m.

====================

Peter Pettigrew: I'VE FINALLY DONE IT LADS

Remus Lupin: Done what?

Peter Pettigrew: BECOME A MAN

Sirius Black: Balls finally dropped, did they?

Peter Pettigrew: HELENA AND I HAD SEX LAST NIGHT
I HAD SEX
YEAH YOU HEARD ME
SEX

Sirius Black: How the fuck did you manage that?

Peter Pettigrew: Last night we said I love you to each other and I became irresistible to her AND THEN WE HAD SEX

Remus Lupin: You've only been going out since Georgia's birthday party?

Peter Pettigrew: YEAH SO?

Remus Lupin: So, do you actually love her?

Peter Pettigrew: I HAD SEX REMUS
SEX
S - E - X
SEX

Remus Lupin: Right.

James Potter: er
congrats i guess?

Peter Pettigrew: THANK YOU I HAD SEX

Sirius Black: So how was it?

Peter Pettigrew: DRIER THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

Sirius Black: Jesus fucking Christ

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Lily Evans, Bonnie Grogan

Chat Resumed: Friday 9th August 2019, 6:39 p.m.

====================

Bonnie Grogan: Hey, are you still at work?

Lily Evans: I finished at 6 today. What's up?

Bonnie Grogan: Do you think Izzie lied about the family dinner to get out of going to London the other day?

Lily Evans: Isabella always lies about having family stuff to avoid going out.
It always made me feel better about never going out either.

Bonnie Grogan: Yeah, but at least you were honest about why.

Lily Evans: I think with Izz it's more that she feels uncomfortable going out and being around drunk people, not that she was overworking herself maniacally for no reason.

Bonnie Grogan: Not a criticism on her at all btw, it probably sounded really bitter, I just don't want to go either and it would have been slightly less annoying if she'd come too.
I'll remind you that you said that when you get your five A*s next week.

Lily Evans: Also
I was going to suggest that we all go out to dinner for results night.
Dinner.
Like an old granny.
With a blue rinse.
And a mobility scooter.
For my rheumatoid arthritis.
So it's not like I'M one to judge.

Bonnie Grogan: Couldn't resist the lure of Liam the dream and his fuckwit cousin, could you?

Lily Evans: That's actually not why I'm going.
I mean, yes it would be nice if he got drunk and admitted that actually he's been in love with me since the day we met and I haven't been reading into every little NOTHING for the past three years like a desperate clown, but I would have gone even if he hadn't.
This is probably going to be our last real summer all together and it hasn't even been like other summers since most of us have had to get jobs, so I want to get my time in with them while I can.

Bonnie Grogan: Still.
Hope you get fingered in Ministry of Sound.
You deserve it.
And you wouldn't be the first.

Lily Evans: Me getting fingered in a nightclub is a million times more unlikely than Wendy NOT getting fingered in a nightclub.

Bonnie Grogan: It's impressive how she manages it every time ngl

Lily Evans: I'm so proud of her. She truly knows her worth.

Bonnie Grogan: Anyway look I told my parents about the plan and they're not thrilled about the idea of me being out all night with nowhere to stay so Dad got me a room in a hotel near London Bridge.
So if you want to leave early we can just head back on our mobility scooters and sleep. There's parking so the others will have to meet us there to go home anyway.
You don't have to pay anything towards it, I know you're saving up and Dad was happy to pay for it all.
Breakfast for two included?

Lily Evans: Yeah I might.
Probably will.

Bonnie Grogan: Just if you're planning on bringing Liam back to get fingered in a classier venue, please keep to the bathroom so I don't have to witness it.

Lily Evans: As IF
AS IF that would happen and also WHY does it have to be me getting fingered what if YOU get fingered?

Bonnie Grogan: I won't. I gave Wendy my quota. She can get fingered for us both.

Lily Evans: You know you don't have to go at all if you don't want to, right?

Bonnie Grogan: It's alright, I'm happy to drive you all but that's also why I'll need some sleep.

Lily Evans: Still.
I'm really sorry that Izzie's not going.
My heart sank a bit when I read her message.
I know it was a long shot anyway, but still.

Bonnie Grogan: Honestly it's fine, it's not like anything was ever going to happen between us anyway.
I just need to get over her and I'm determined to once I get to uni, but it's just so URGH right now.

Lily Evans: It happened before.

Bonnie Grogan: Yeah one kiss on a dare that ruined my life while hers carried on as normal, that was really something.

Lily Evans: And you know what her mother is like. Even if she'd wanted to come out with us next week I bet she wouldn't have been allowed, let alone COME OUT with her actual feelings.
AND Brighton's really not far from where you'll be living so you'll have more chances to see each other than the rest of us.
Also, BRIGHTON?
Could she have picked a gayer place?

Bonnie Grogan: Or she just likes the sea.

Lily Evans: I still think it could happen once she's free of her family, I'm sorry but I do.

Bonnie Grogan: Because you love me and you're biased.

Lily Evans: Yes, but also because I'm ALWAYS right about other people's love lives.
I'm wrong about my own FREQUENTLY.
Never about anyone else's.

Bonnie Grogan: If you were you'd never admit it anyway.

Lily Evans: EXACTLY.

Bonnie Grogan: You're really killing my angst buzz here, leave me to wallow over my own helpless secret crush and be positive about your crush instead.

Lily Evans: CrushES.

Bonnie Grogan: ???

Lily Evans: One of the internet boys.

Bonnie Grogan: NO
WHAT
NO
WHAT
NO

Lily Evans: Yeah.
Grim, I know.
Can't be helped.
But it's nothing. Like I am genuinely very chill about it whereas I'm still in knots over Liam so one of them clearly wins out.
But yeah.

Bonnie Grogan: What's his name?

Lily Evans: Dunno.

Bonnie Grogan: What does he look like?

Lily Evans: Dunno.

Bonnie Grogan: ???????

Lily Evans: He's also got a girlfriend.
Who he is obsessed with.
So.

Bonnie Grogan: Well.
That sounds SUPER duper healthy for you, honey.

Lily Evans: Oh, I am a deep, DEEP well of mental health.

*

"So what does Josie look like?"

There never would have been an ideal time for Georgia to ask that question.

For her to ask it, however, during a particularly amorous snogging session—for her to ask it while James had his mouth on her neck, one hand up her t-shirt and a boner pressed rather urgently into her hip—was so diabolically unexpected that for the moment it took him to answer, he felt like his brain had been shivved.

"Huh?" was what he managed to come out with once he'd pushed himself up with his elbows, inadvertently breathing the sound directly into her face.

"Josie." Georgia repeated. "What does she look like?"

She was pinned beneath him on her bed, wide-eyed in a way that seemed, dishonestly, to say this is an innocent question, lips swollen from what had until that moment been several delightful minutes of kissing, and James didn't have a clue what was happening.

Or why, at that precise moment, she was making it happen.

Or where he was. Who he was. Any of it.

"Dunno," he admitted, and dropped his head to her neck to kiss her again, as if he was on a bus being stared at by some weirdo, and by avoiding eye-contact entirely he could make them go away.

She jerked her head to one side to avoid the impact, her eyebrows pulling together in the bridge of her nose.

"How?" she demanded.

"How what?"

"How do you not know?" She wriggled about beneath him as if trying to shake him loose, so James rolled off her and sat up on the bed, naturally coming to face away from her. "Don't you all video chat when you play?"

His glasses were sitting on the bedside table to his right, so he grabbed them and pushed them back on.

On the wall opposite, her gilt-framed black and white poster of Marilyn Monroe laughed directly in his face, as if she and Georgia had spun a web together and allowed him to walk into it blindly, led by an eager, traitorous dick that was stupider even than he was.

Did he deserve this, somehow?

Was it cosmic retribution for some sort of past life crime?

He felt her shift beside him, so he looked at her over his shoulder. She was pulling herself into a seated position, leaned back against her grey velour headboard with her knees hugged to her chest, pretty and innocent and wounded-looking in a way that made anger bubble in his gut, but he wasn't allowed to be angry.

Clearly, this was all his fault.

Clearly, he'd done something to warrant this situation.  

"Why are you doing this?" he asked her anyway.

She shrugged her bare, freckled shoulders like it wasn't anything. "Just curious."

"Really, Georgia?"

"Can't you just answer the question?"

"We used to video chat with Charles," he explained, keeping his voice even. In the eighteen years he'd been alive, he'd never heard his father speak harshly to his mother, and he didn't want to break from that example. "But she made it very clear that she never wanted to do that, and after his meltdown we all felt we better not either."

"Why didn't she want to?"

"I don't know?" He lifted and dropped his hands in a helpless motion. "She told me she had a bad experience before so it's probably got something to do with that. I didn't think it was necessary to ask her for the details."

He was tangled in the web already, but Georgia's pearly eyes narrowed almost to slits, and the bear trapped clamped around his ankle.

"She told you?" she accused, her voice lowered to a deadly whisper. 

James blinked at her. "Yeah."

"Just you? You directly?"

He could have lied, but he was a bad liar who didn't want to lie, and what would have been the point of it? What would have been the point when the worst fucking thing he could justifiably be accused of was having a bit of a laugh with Josie on very rare occasions? "Yes."

Her entire body stiffened and she turned her head away from him, mechanical in her movement, staring blankly at the door. "I see."

"Georgia, really, why are you bringing all this up now?"

"I don't know." The timbre of her voice was an ominous, wavering ripple which spoke of dinosaurs approaching and floods of tears to come. "Why are you DMing another girl all the time?"

"It's not all the time, it's—" He twisted around in his seat so he could face her without straining his neck, crossing his legs in front of him to keep from accidentally kicking her and hammering the last nail into his final resting place. "Look, sometimes I do talk to her directly,  alright? But it's not whatever you're thinking it is, it's about stupid shit that doesn't matter, and yeah, we get along better than we used to but that's only because she convinced Sirius to go to your party, and the reason she even did that is because she says she's on your side!"

She looked at him again.

"On my side," she echoed. All pretence of naivety had now vanished from her expression, leaving only cold, hard disbelief behind. "Really?"

"She literally used those exact words. She wanted to help you. She wanted to help us."

"But why would she do that if she hated you as much as you said?"

"Because Sirius and I were arguing about it so often that it was taking over the game chat and we were pissing her off!" he replied with emphasis, but didn't shout, though he felt like he'd need to do some serious shouting at the sky later. "I'm not trying to make out like she's some sort of angel, but I appreciated that she tried to make you feel better and I thanked her for it, and I don't think it was wrong of me to do that!"

His girlfriend stared at him in stony, lip-quivering silence.

"Georgia, you—" His shoulders had tightened themselves into what felt like an iron bar, so he shoved a hand through his hair and drew in a breath, taking a few seconds to hold it before letting it out in a sigh. "I'm not going to cheat on you with her or with anyone else, alright? Loyalty is really fucking important to me and I would never do that to you. That isn't who I am."

Predictably, because he should have known that this would happen from the moment she asked the question, her eyes spilled over with tears.

"I'm sorry," he said, and meant it, even if it was only for making her cry. "I really, really am."

She wiped one cheek with the back of her hand, blubbled through an attempt to draw herself up with dignity, and for a moment James felt the stomach-twisting anxiety of knowing he was going to get dumped.

Then she dived at him, throwing her arms around his shoulders, and buried her face in his neck.

"I don't know why I'm like this," she murmured into his shirt.

James didn't know either, but he couldn't request an explanation, or an apology to soothe the parts of him that were smarting. He had thought that this was all behind them, that with his pointless anger dissipated and a truce at last declared, he and Josie could be friendly internet acquaintances like any other, thus freeing up the space she had been occupying in his head. He'd thought that there would be no other reason for Georgia to mistake his feelings for some sort of ardent passion. He'd thought he'd brought this whole mess about in the first place because he was fatally overdramatic, that Josie had been right, and he just wanted a nemesis. He'd thought they'd sorted all that out.

Apparently they hadn't.

And he couldn't be angry, because his girlfriend was sobbing on his shoulder and that was entirely his fault, even if he wasn't quite sure how, so he hugged her back and comforted her until her tears had dried.

Then she wanted to watch a movie, so he did, curled up on the armchair together with one popcorn bowl between them, making feeble attempts to laugh at her twin brother's feebly funny comments.

(That wasn't Aubrey's fault, James was used to wittier people)

If he was honest with himself, he wished that he could just get up and leave.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Moony, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 14th August 2019, 7:11 p.m.

====================

Moony: I'm online.

Bacon4Algernon: me too

Josie: Hey.

Bacon4Algernon: hey

siriusblack: Josie my sweet seraph
My plumptious plum
My muse
How has your week been?

Josie: Fine.

siriusblack: You say so little yet also mean so little

Josie: Idk, how has everybody else's week been?
I'm assuming you're all getting A Level results tomorrow?

Moony: Yeah.

Bacon4Algernon: yeah

Wormtail: I've personally had a VERY interesting week!

Josie: Oh?

siriusblack: He successfully copulated with a member of the opposite sex and he won't shut up about it
It was arid

Josie: ARID?

siriusblack: "Drier than I thought it would be"
His words
Verbatim

Josie: Oh
Shit
I'm sorry?

Wormtail: Wait, why are you sorry??
What???

Josie: Erm
It's not supposed to be dry, mate.
I mean
You know
SHE'S not supposed to be dry?
Unless she's in her sixties or something, then I guess maybe?

Wormtail: She's not in her sixties!! She's our age!!
Wait what???
So that squirting stuff in porn is meant to be REAL??

Josie: Oh god.
Right.

Bacon4Algernon: jesus

Josie: Well.
It's really got nothing to do with squirting. Like AT ALL.
Also most of that squirting stuff in porn is like, very fake, okay?
If you take anything away from this, let it be that?
Jesus, this is REALLY not what I expected to talk about tonight.

Moony: I'm so sorry.
We did try to explain this to him but he didn't want to listen.

Wormtail: BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL VIRGINS??

siriusblack: By choice

Josie: Oh, I'm sure.

Moony: Unfortunately, he's not lying.

Bacon4Algernon: he really isn't
he's propositioned constantly
i've seen girls come to physical blows over him with little to no encouragement on his end
his life is a feast
and yet he's never hungry

Josie: What a beautiful, if slightly envious sentiment.

siriusblack: being as gorgeous as i am comes with a price
i'd rather other people paid it

Josie: Grim.

siriusblack: Oh I'M grim but you'll name Prongs poet laureate for "he's not hungry"
And fuck this, you're not meant to be helping Wormtail, you're meant to be taking the piss
It's not fun when you're nice

Josie: Seems fake that everyone wants you tbh.
Unless you're Joe Keery.
But you have no inner sweetness, so I highly doubt you are.

Bacon4Algernon: why joe keery?

Josie: I like how his hair just does whatever it wants.

Bacon4Algernon: oh

Wormtail: Can we get back to the matter at hand please?
WHAT DID I DO WRONG?
Josie????
Please help! She's expecting me to do it again this weekend!!

Josie: I don't know what you did wrong, I wasn't watching from outside with binoculars and I'd REALLY rather not get a blow by blow account of what you DID do, if that's alright.
But you do need to, like
Prep the area
If that makes sense?

Wormtail: Prep the area how??

Josie: Look, I'll DM you some articles, alright?
Just… don't take notes from porn. Men in porn are rarely considerate and you REALLY just need to be considerate.

Wormtail: Considerate how?

Josie: I mean, don't just stumble in there and go hell for leather with no feedback, ask her to tell you if she likes or doesn't like what you're doing.
And don't get offended if she doesn't.

siriusblack: Watch a lot of porn, do you?

Josie: Because that's an appropriate question to ask?
I'm not blind to what's going on in the world, yeah? I've read up on the kind of shit that desensitises some men to seeing women as actual people.

Bacon4Algernon: independent study innit

Josie: Exactly, thank you.

Moony: Maybe we could refrain from asking the one girl in our party if she watches porn?
Just a thought, but what do I know?

Bacon4Algernon: yeah leave her alone

siriusblack: It's fine, she knows I'm not trying to get my rocks off
Unless you count wanting to watch her take the piss out of Wormtail
Which she's refusing to do since Prongs turned her sweet somehow
Looks like I get no gratification tonight

Bacon4Algernon: he tries so hard to look like a prick all the time
and yet
he brought me a coffee and biscuits before he went into his room

siriusblack: Don't fucking start

Bacon4Algernon: every morning he kisses our mum on the forehead and tells her he loves her
and they go shopping together
and he paints her nails for her
he collects all the pens that i leave scattered all over the house and puts them in the pen holder
he makes spotify playlists for me
if he reads a book he thinks i'll like he leaves it in my room

Moony: Remember when I'd been in the hospital and my parents hadn't had time to do the weekly shop, so when they brought me home he came round with two bags of groceries?

siriusblack: I'm logging off

Josie: You are SO ridiculous.
"Omg my brother loves me I'm so pissed."
"I was kind once NOBODY CAN KNOW."
What groceries did he get?

Moony: It was a couple of years ago now but I'm pretty sure he got milk, bread, eggs, cereal, sandwich fillers, all the basics.
And some of those pimento stuffed olives with manchego cheese.
Because I love pimento stuffed olives with manchego cheese.

Bacon4Algernon: nobody even knew he was doing it
mum and i were batch cooking dinners to bring round and then moony texted me to say he'd just turned up
bags in hand
even helped put them away

Moony: My mother still calls him her "Sainsbury's Saviour."

Bacon4Algernon: which he hates
he's sweet as anything to her though

Wormtail: My mum loves him too.
She says he's well dressed and respectful.

siriusblack: Maybe you should all respect your mums more and I wouldn't have to fucking step in

Josie: Colour me corrected, who knew you DID have such an inner sweetness?

siriusblack: I'll pay you a thousand quid right now if you drop this subject and go back to treating Prongs like shit

Bacon4Algernon: thanks mate
i love you so much too

Josie: Yeah…… no, I don't think I will.

siriusblack: But I'm meant to be your favourite

Josie: You have never been my favourite.

Wormtail: Who IS your favourite?

Josie: Moony, obviously.

Moony: Oh wow. Thanks.

siriusblack: What a slap in the face for poor Prongs

Bacon4Algernon: right, because I'M the one struggling with this information

*

Lily got her straight flush of A*s on A Level results day.

In a way, they felt hard won. Therefore satisfying.

In another, it felt like she had wasted entire swathes of time in order to justify being clever while the rest of her friends were out there living their best, most enjoyable lives, an error that she was reminded of by the look of irritation on Petunia's face when she heard the news that afternoon.

She should have been used to her sister's undisguised disdain by now.

Ditto her lack of interest.

Ditto the fact that, when it came down to it, Lily often felt like Petunia didn't love her very much. Or at all.

It shouldn't have felt like such a slap across the face.

And yet.

And yet.

The truth was, it meant nothing to Petunia that her sister had done well. Lily could labour her way to success with the grim determination of Sisyphus himself or she could stroll through its gates with her hands in her pockets and a whistle on her lips; either way, Petunia would hold to the belief that she had triumphed in her quest to spite and harm her. What self-respecting younger sister would have the temerity to pass her exams with flying colours and get into her chosen uni in the exact same year that she, Petunia Germaine Evans, was going to be wed to a cheap, mustachioed, drill manufacturing tycoon? Could Lily not simply have chosen to be born in a different year? Would that have been so difficult for their parents' precious, peerless, golden-egg laying hen to achieve?

Whatever.

What did Lily care?

Why should she waste her time on a sister who had piss all time for her?

She was not going to torture herself again. She wasn't going to spend results night (Her results night! She'd gotten five A*s! Fucking five!) fretting about Petunia and end up… what? Crying like a jilted lover in the bathroom in the Ministry of Sound? Emerging with a snotty nose and runny mascara eyes in search of a drink which had an equal chance of making her feel worse or better? Walking right into Liam Holland with a swollen panda face and cementing in his head the undeniable, ugly truth which was: far from being as chill and put-together as she had long pretended to be, Lily Jane Evans was, in fact, a total fucking mess?

She would rather not, thank you very much.

So she plastered on a smile and some makeup, donned a pair of stilettos that would make her heels bleed within minutes, and travelled southwards with her friends to the infamous Ministry of Sound, where she wound up stuck in the bathroom for thirty bloody minutes anyway, two drinks in and excruciatingly sober, counselling a sobbing, wobbling stranger who had come completely unglued over her suspicion that her "really hot fucking liar" boyfriend was in love with someone else.

"You should break up with him if your instincts about it are that strong," Lily had suggested, and been treated to an incoherent rant about how wonderful and truly unique he was.

"Then I'm sure he doesn't want anybody but you," she'd tried after that, and got smacked down with a diatribe about how that definitely wasn't true, fucking liar, fucking boy, fucking stupid prick!

In the end, she just let the poor girl cling to her and weep into her shoulder, thankful that the top she wore was black (albeit sequinned), until one of Weepy Girlfriend's mates happened to stumble in with Jägerbombs and relieved her of her unexpected duty.

"I'll never—hic—I'll never forget you, Pamela!" the crying girl roared after Lily's retreating back, which was fun, seeing as they had never exchanged their names.

She really did hope that boyfriend wound up dumped.

Once out of the bathroom (with her own mascara mercifully intact) she picked her way back to their table on her stupid, stinging heels and was greeted by the sight of Liam's shitty cousin James, his bleached blonde buzzcut glowing like radioactive waste beneath the overhead lights, dry humping Wendy Wilde against a wall near the bar as they groped and writhed and tried in vain to keep their mouths attached.

They were being watched, with undisguised disgust, by Liam and Mary, who were sitting next to one another at their overpriced VIP booth, Kingsley having vanished amongst the revellers almost immediately upon arrival, and Bonnie having Ubered to her hotel the very second that her iPhone timer told her she had been there for an hour.

Lily probably would have followed shortly after, had she not nipped to the loo for a wee and been accosted by I'll never forget you Pamela, actual name unknown, who should have dumped her boyfriend.

"I THINK WENDY CAN DO BETTER, YOU KNOW," she shouted above the ear-splitting EDM which blasted all around them, coming to a stop beside the booth.

Liam grinned widely, gesturing to himself with his bottle of Peroni. "THAT'S WHAT WE WERE JUST SAYING!"

"HERE, TAKE MY SEAT!" Mary chimed in, scrambling up from her spot next to Liam. Her enviable boobs were packed into a skintight lame corset that defied all laws of physics to shove them right beneath her chin. "I'LL GO AND GET US MORE DRINKS!"

Technically they had complimentary table service, but the club was heaving with people, and given the way their group had torn the free tequila bottle apart within twenty minutes, it was a plausible excuse for Mary to leave Lily and Liam alone. It was a less decent excuse for her to shove her friend unceremoniously into her vacant seat, but that was exactly what Mary took it upon herself to do before yelling, "I'LL SURPRISE YOU BOTH WITH SOMETHING!" and strutting off towards the bar.

Lily shouldn't have felt so irritated, watching her go, especially knowing that Mary's only aim was to get her and Liam together, but it seemed to just be that kind of day.

Everything was bothering her.

It shouldn't have—she'd accomplished something really great today—but inevitably, it did.

She just wished—

"Why didn't you come in my car earlier?"

Liam's voice—Liam himself—was suddenly right beside her.

Right beside her.

Not beside her, pressed up against her. His arm around her shoulders. His lips barely brushing her earlobe as he bent his head towards her to ensure that he was heard over the din. He smelled of aftershave and the beer that he'd been drinking, which was fine, Lily supposed, because she had been drinking too.

But it wasn't…

It didn't feel…

Alright, so it wasn't exactly the way she would have wanted to find herself in such an intimate position with the boy she had been mad about for the better part of her teens. Being cosied up to by a visibly drunk man rather took the blush of romance out of the whole affair.

Still, her stomach flip-flopped, all the same.

"Bonnie wanted to talk through something personal on the way," she lied, in no rush to admit that it had taken her the better part of the car journey to tamp down a sincere desire to cry over her sister, and she really hadn't wanted Liam to see that, should she have betrayed her self-control and succumbed to the urge.

"Ah, alright then," he conceded, and nodded his head several times, inadvertently tickling Lily's ear with the cowlick he had styled into the front of his hair. "If it was for the sake of female friendship I suppose I can let you off!"

"Yeah, funny that, because I just got cried all over in the loo—"

"So we're both going to Kingston!" he half-yelled, half-spoke over her.

"Er, yeah," she helplessly agreed. He clearly couldn't hear her very well. Not his fault. Not his fault. Don't be irritated. Not his fault. "Guess so!"

"Give it a year and this'll all be, y'know." He leaned back a bit and moved his finger in a large, looping motion, indicating the space around them. "London. Our stomping ground. We'll know it like the back of our hands!"

"I hope by that you mean London London and not this London," she replied, imitating his loop. "Because I'm never coming back here again."

"Yeah I actually didn't think you'd come tonight!" he confessed, swooping down again so fast that she felt her eardrum buzz. "Doesn't seem like your sort of thing!"

"That's why I'm going to uni, actually, to figure out what my thing is?" she told him. Her throat was starting to hurt from having to raise her voice above normal, acceptable levels. Nightclubs, she reflected, really weren't for her, all things considered. "So I'll get back to you on that as soon as I find out for sure."

"I think about six or seven. What accommodation are you in?" he asked her, continuing what was starting to feel like a conversation he was having with himself.

"Seething Wells."

He pointed at his own chest. "Walkden Hall!"

"Oh, cool!

"We should make sure we see each other! Once a week at least!"

"Yeah," she agreed. "Meet for a weekly coffee or something."

"Or we could meet up and get coffee!" he suggested, the Peroni bottle swinging carelessly between his thumb and middle finger. "Listen, Lil, I need the toilet, alright? Be back in just a minute!"

He set his bottle down and scrambled directly over the table, narrowly avoiding a fall that would have seen him take out at least three girls who were standing by the booth across from theirs, and spun on his heel to face her, sending her a military-style salute before he ambled off in the wrong direction for the toilets.

Near the bar, Shitty Cousin James's hand had wound its way up Wendy's skirt and straight into her pants.

Lily wondered, with a weird little pang, what Bacon might be up to.

Finally having sex with his adored, beloved, much-better-looking-than-Lily girlfriend, probably.

Not that she was bitter.

Not at all.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Moony, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 21st August 2019, 7:02 p.m.

====================

Wormtail: Hola
Anyone online?

Josie: Will be in a bit, just getting a snack.

Moony: I'm online.
@Josie Happy with your A Levels?

Josie: Yes, very! Got my first choice.
You?

Moony: Same.

Bacon4Algernon: same

Wormtail: I'm happy enough with mine but I'm not going to uni anyway.
Going to work for my dad instead.

Josie: And what about my Sainsbury's Saviour?

Bacon4Algernon: yeah he did really well
he's taking a gap year though

Josie: Aren't we a bunch of smart cookies?

Bacon4Algernon: @siriusblack bring some cookies with you when you're coming upstairs, would you?

siriusblack: @Josie Where are you going to uni?

Josie: Nope.
We're not sharing the unis, thanks.
You can have Britney Spears and Joe Keery, that's more than enough.

Moony: It's alright, we're not supposed to give out that info anyway.
Not after our last Healer.

Josie: Oh yeah, the rampaging possum.
What happened with that?

Bacon4Algernon: he used some personal information to mount an email bullying campaign against wormtail and his mum hit the roof
then he sent a glitter bomb to moony

Josie: A GLITTER BOMB?

Moony: Yeah.
At least, I'm pretty sure it was him.
It was full of glitter and dick-shaped confetti.
Charles wasn't exactly what you'd call a fan of intelligent comedy.

Bacon4Algernon: so despite the fact that we're all legal adults
here we are

Wormtail: Safety for all!

Josie: So he bullied Wormtail by email and sent glitter to Moony's house, what about you two?

siriusblack: Our address is difficult to find and all of our post is rerouted
So even if he had found it, that dick-shaped confetti wouldn't have reached us directly

Josie: Lol why, are your parents famous or something?

Bacon4Algernon: nah, but they've got a business registered to the house so it's got something to do with that
so what are we doing tonight? ministry vault?

siriusblack: Prongs has to finish early so his girlfriend can call him to check in and in the spirit of being a good brother, I have no comment to make about that

Josie: How nice to see that you've grown so much as a person.

Moony: An entire quarter inch.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Private Chat

Members: Bacon4Algernon, Josie

Resumed: Wednesday 21st August 2019, 10:42 p.m.

====================

Josie: Hey.

Bacon4Algernon: hey

Josie: Sorry to bother you, but I just wanted to check if everything was still good with Sirius and your girlfriend co-existing?
I know you said there was an improvement but you haven't brought it up in a while, so I just thought I'd ask.

Bacon4Algernon: yeah it's good thanks
great
she's my whole world actually
nobody else for me
as i'm sure you'd agree based upon our previous interactions

Josie: Lol, alright?
I'm glad to hear it's going well, anyway.

Bacon4Algernon: yeah no worries, have a good night

Josie: Sure.

Bacon4Algernon: oh
and
congrats on the a levels
glad you got your first choice

Josie: Yeah, you too.

*

Having the same core group of friends for the entire duration of one's life often meant partaking in the same event multiple times.

Case in point: the A Level results.

With James and his mates having achieved success in their exams—even Peter, who'd gotten a middling grade in Maths but excelled in Computer Science—all three of their respective families insisted on celebrating the occasion with three different family dinners.

First, the Pettigrews, who served boiled veg and overcooked chicken because Pete's mum lived in terror of foodborne illnesses and would only eat meat that she'd incinerated herself. The upside to that experience was that Mrs Pettigrew had the best junk food cupboard in the business, and all four boys feasted like kings in front of the telly once dinner was done.

Next came the Lupins, who went all out with a massive Indian takeaway followed by a night of board games, including Pictionary, for which James was always in high demand as a teammate. His team of three won easily, helped along by his innate artistic gifts, not to mention Mr Lupin's complete inability to draw anything besides a stick figure or a wonky sun.

For James and his family, where any celebration had to be an affair that outdid all others, it meant a full day at the Notting Hill Carnival followed by dinner and drinks in a private room at his mother's own restaurant. It also differed from the others in one other significant way, which was that Eupehmia had invited Georgia to come with them. That was nice because she'd opted for a girls' night out on results day, which meant that she and James hadn't celebrated together in any significant way.

She'd turned down the carnival because she was getting her hair dyed with a friend, but came for dinner later, freshly blonde and looking pretty in a ruffled lilac dress that Euphemia called "quite darling," which thankfully meant that the evening started well.

It continued well, too, with his girlfriend in good spirits and Sirius on his best, most gracious behaviour. James was full of compliments for her new hair colour and Georgia blossomed like a rose beneath his attention, chatting at length with his father about her university acceptance while they waited for their first course. She would be taking Biological Sciences in Westminster come September, and was happier about it than James had seen her in weeks.

"Maybe we could even live together in second year," she murmured in his ear as the starters were being handed out. "Get a flat in Wandsworth or something? I was looking online and there are nice places there. They're really reasonably priced."

Such an idea seemed a little premature for a four-month relationship that hadn't exactly been on stable footing of late, but James was, at least, a functional enough boyfriend to recognise that his mother's meticulously planned celebration dinner was not the time or place to push back against it.

"Sounds good," he agreed, squeezing her hand beneath the table.

He justified it in his head by reminding himself that second year was another twelve months away.

To his relief, the evening carried on in much the same spirit of general merriment until they were eating their main courses and his mother, incandescent with pride and midway through her second glass of her favourite Vecchio Samperi, began to get a little bit emotional.

"A toast to my beautiful boys!" she happily announced, while everyone else's mouths were full, her glass raised in the air and glittering beneath the chandelier lights. "For their excellent exam results, which of course came as a surprise to no one. Your father and I are so incredibly proud of you both!"

"We're very proud of all of you," added Fleamont, who had managed to swallow his mouthful while everyone else scrambled to raise their own glass.

"Yes, all of you!" Euphemia agreed, beaming around at everyone present. "You all did wonderfully well, and now James, Remus and Georgia are all off to university, and Sirius—"

"Isn't in prison?" his brother interjected.

"Now stop," she scolded, lowering her wine to table level but not quite setting it down. "We'll hear none of that talk tonight. Have you told your friends about your new job?"

Sirius tipped his chair back on two legs—a move that Euphemia would have had James's head for—and shot a shit-eating grin at the rest of the table.

"I'm a tour guide, innit?" he drawled.

"For the Tipsy Tours of London!" Euphemia cried, her voice imbibed with the kind of pride usually reserved for mothers whose children qualified as doctors or nuclear physicists. "It's a nightly walking tour through Soho's cultural landmarks with a bar crawl along the way—just perfect for my Sirius!"

The tour guide in question snorted. "Because we all know I'm so good with people."

Euphemia flapped a bejewelled and manicured hand in his direction. "Oh, now, don't pretend that you can't turn on the charm like nobody's business when it suits you. He'll make a fortune, honestly," she added, seemingly for Georgia's benefit, given the nod she sent in her direction. "With a beautiful face like that, he'll be drowning in tips from hordes of lusty stags and hens."

"I would have thought you'd have fretted too much to let him work nights in Soho," James cheekily accused her, though he didn't add that Sirius, who had been refusing anything but bathroom handjobs (during class hours, at that) from smitten schoolmates for a couple of years because "girls our age get too intense" would probably have his cherry popped by a flighty tourist in her mid-twenties by the time his first week was out.

"Well, I can't very well stop him, darling, not now that he's an adult," his mother airily remarked, swirling her glass. "And besides, Sirius can more than handle himself."

"Oh, but I couldn't, is what you're saying?"

Euphemia levelled him with one of her "embarrassing you is the reward I get for your thirty-six hour labour" sly smiles. "Do I or do I not recall a young man who came complaining to me, a matter of weeks ago, because a girl on the internet was picking on him?"

It just so happened that Remus was sitting to his mother's left, and James spied his friend's gaze flying to his face.

A thick rope of anxiety began to coil in his stomach like a snake.

Peter, though, spluttered with laughter through his oxtail giouvetsi and gaped at James in a manner that was not exactly visually appealing. "You went to your mum about her?"

James forced a cough into his hand. "Can we not—"

"That's hilarious," chortled Peter, and dove into his dinner again, scraping the bottom of the plate with his spoon. "Well don't worry, Mrs P, she must have taken pity on him or something, 'cause they're the best of bezzie mates now."

The silence—the fucking silence—which followed Peter's proclamation acted as an instant thickening agent for the air.

It was the clink of bloody wanker's spoon against his plate which threw the gravity of the moment into truly sharp relief, so much so that even James's parents—who at no point had been made privy to Georgia's repeated frustrations about Josie, nor about the boys' relationship with Josie herself—had stopped eating to exchange glances of obvious concern. Even worse were Sirius and Remus, whose hands had both stilled above their plates like battery-powered toys that had abruptly run out of juice. Their immediate and identical expressions of disquiet were more incriminating, perhaps, than anything that Peter might have said.

And beside him—James couldn't bring himself to look at her, but he could feel it, much in the way his six-year-old self could feel a presence at the back of his neck whenever he ventured into the attic to search for the ghosts his mother insisted were haunting it—Georgia had completely stopped moving.

Of course this was happening.

Of course this was happening right in front of his parents.

And of course Peter would be the only person who carried on ploughing through his dinner, completely unaware of the active landmine he'd just chucked across the table like a fucking pair of dice. 

"No, they're not," said Sirius coldly.

"Yeah they are," Pete insisted, with a laugh, and tragically cheerful bullheadness, and an open mouth full of beef fat pangrattato, "you saw them, going on and on about independent studies and whatever that bloody song was—I can feel it in the air between us, or something like that, I dunno," he concluded with a shrug. "I don't understand half of what they're talking about sometimes."

James's brain broke.

Clean in two.

The smell of his chilli butter turbot curdled in his nose like sour milk.

Even the atmospheric music seemed to be sucked into the dark.

"You know, we never actually finished that toast," Euphemia piped up, after several painful seconds, the direction of her gaze flickering uneasily between Georgia and her son. "Perhaps I should—"

"Could you excuse me for a second, Mrs P?" Georgia interrupted

Her voice was strained.

Face burning.

Worst of all, her eyes—so grey, so pretty, so perfectly, crystalline clear—were already clouded over with a well of pent-up tears.

"Oh." The look that James's mother gave to him was probably kinder than he deserved. "Of course we can, sweetheart."

His girlfriend dropped her cutlery on her plate, stood up, shoved her chair back with a screech and ran—literally ran—in the direction of the bathroom.

"Oh dear," Euphemia sighed, and James felt sick to the pit of his stomach.

Peter shrugged again, and took another bite.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Members: Moony, siriusblack, Bacon4Algernon, Wormtail, Josie

Channel: General
Resumed: Wednesday 28th August 2019, 7:03 p.m.

====================

siriusblack: Prongs won't be online tonight FYI

Moony: Ah.
That's a shame.

siriusblack: He's transferred his items to me so we can use them if we need to, though

Josie: Oh.
Is he okay?

siriusblack: Yeah he's fine, just taking a break from W3 for a couple of months

Josie: A couple of MONTHS?

siriusblack: Yeah
Could be longer, but I don't know right now

Wormtail: A COUPLE OF MONTHS??
WHY???

siriusblack: As if you don't fucking know you ingrate

Josie: What???

Wormtail: WHAT???

Chapter Text

"Enid, we never really knew each other anyway
Maybe we always saw right through each other anyway"
- Barenaked Ladies

*

In the end, it was offering to quit the game that finally brought Georgia around.

James hadn't wanted to do it.

He hadn't wanted to watch his girlfriend storm out of the restaurant either.

Subsequently, he really hadn't wanted her to block his number and his social accounts, or to spend two days with his stomach in a knot, desperately trying to reach her while her best friends took "subtle" periodic jabs at him online.

Nor had he wanted to answer her call on the third day and sit there, defenceless and forbidden from defending himself, as she accused him of being in love with some faceless internet girl and being utterly out of touch with his emotions, and while she spoke of a humiliation that—to hear her talk—he had wilfully wrought upon her.

(Never mind the long-winded, grovelling plea for forgiveness he received from Peter while the others were gaming on Wednesday night, which he also hadn't wanted to forgive, but did, because holding grudges against mates went against something immovable inside him, and Peter hadn't known what he was doing)

Georgia wept her way through the entire conversation.

James… did not.

That only made her cry even harder, because she thought he would be crying if she meant anything to him at all. It was as if their relationship was speaking different languages, and the only one she knew required passionate emotion, or else it meant he didn't give a shit.

He hadn't wanted to pretend he wasn't angry.

But he pretended, because that was what he'd learned from Georgia; that being in a relationship meant doing things he didn't want to do to keep his girlfriend happy. It meant always being sorry even when he hadn't done anything wrong. It meant never being mad—even when her friends were subjecting him to open slander—because Georgia had been hurt, so her support network was entitled to do whatever it pleased.

He felt like a twat for ever believing that his mum and dad's relationship was The Example, rather than the outlier it was.

And he felt like a prick, because he couldn't find it in himself to feel as contrite as she needed him to be. Some small, stubborn, Sirius-like voice in his head kept telling him this isn't all your fault, but it was his fault, because it must have been his fault. He might not have fancied Josie, but she was more fun to talk to than his girlfriend. That was an immutable fact, and some part of him must have let that show in the way he spoke of her, even if he'd only ever been complaining. Georgia wasn't usually unreasonable. She hadn't pulled her suspicions out of thin air.

So he pretended that he was completely sorry, and hoped the feeling would catch up with him later.

Then he offered to quit the game, his only way of guaranteeing that he'd never have occasion to speak to Josie again, to which Georgia had sniffed and said, "I can't ask you to do that," but in a way that made it clear: that was exactly what she wanted.  

(He might as well have chucked psychic mind-reading into the relationship equation)

So James quit.

Didn't want to, but he did.

Transferred his items to his brother. Booted Discord off his laptop and his phone.

A week of relative harmony between them followed, which was… nice, in a way. They'd even gone out on a date, while the others were gaming and Peter was composing his novel-length apology text, and that went pretty well. No major hiccups. No repetitive, exhausting fights. Healing would be slow, Georgia believed, but not impossible.

Still, he didn't want to get out of bed at seven on Monday morning just to meet her at Gail's Bakery for breakfast.

He got up and headed out anyway.

That was what relationships meant.

*

Private WhatsApp Chat

Members: Lily Evans, Liam Holland

Chat Resumed: Monday 2nd September 2019, 8:47 a.m.

====================

Liam Holland: So it looks like Wendy finally came to her senses.

Lily Evans: Oh dear.
Do I want to know?

Liam Holland: She dumped my cousin on Snapchat last night.

Lily Evans: On Snapchat lmao
That's so harsh but so typically Wendy.
How long were they together?
Three weeks?

Liam Holland: They didn't even make it to three, I don't think.

Lily Evans: It's so sad when a long term relationship breaks down.

Liam Holland: And that was his longest one.

Lily Evans: Did she give him a reason?

Liam Holland: Yeah, he showed me the message.
It said "u look like bad MGK cosplay. u r dumped."

Lily Evans: Wow.

Liam Holland: Quite harsh, yeah.

Lily Evans: She must have been on Eminem's side of the feud.

Liam Holland: Haha, probably.
This wasn't even why I was texting you this early, by the way.

Lily Evans: Oh?

Liam Holland: Wanted to check if you need a lift down to Kingston when you move.
I'm planning to head down there on the 14th if that suits you. There's plenty of space in the car for your stuff.

Lily Evans: I would, but we're going down on the 12th!
Mum and Dad have both booked a day off work to drive down with me and help me get set up, so I don't think they'd be best pleased if I changed my plans now.

Liam Holland: No worries.
We should go out on the night I get there, find somewhere to get some dinner or something.
Sound good?

Lily Evans: Yeah, sounds good.

Liam Holland: Not long until we're out of here!

Lily Evans: Yep! Not long to go!

*

It all happened really fast, ultimately.

There were signs from the moment he arrived that he missed completely, the first being that Georgia insisted on paying for breakfast. James's family were slightly wealthier than the Boleyn-Smythes and he had been raised to always offer to handle the restaurant bill in any situation, so he was the one who always paid. He and Georgia would occasionally go halves, but that was as far as it ever went, and it might have struck him as unusual had he not previously expressed that he wasn't a fan of the food at Gail's.

Instead, he thought it was kind of her to buy his coffee (he opted not to eat) as a compromise for picking a café he didn't like.

The second sign was that she looked particularly lovely in a red-and-white striped top which James had once told her she looked especially good in, despite her frequent assertions that horizontal stripes made her look bloated. In fact, she'd been meaning to throw that top out, but there she was, wearing it today.

Sweet of her to want to look nice for him, he thought.

And the third sign was that, in the fifteen minutes it took them to discuss their respective uni plans and Aubrey's latest rebellion against his mother—a septum piercing so large that he could touch it with his lower lip—Georgia had taken one bite of her French toast and left the rest completely untouched.

Stupidly, he assumed this meant that his girlfriend had finally realised that Gail's was a substandard establishment at best.

"Is there something wrong with your food?" he asked her, aware that he'd already drained his latte while she'd barely made a dent in her meal. He wondered if he could convince her to come with him down the road to Charlotte's Cloud after she'd finished, since he really fancied their scrambled eggs on sourdough with truffled mushrooms.

(Such were the problems with which he had so foolishly chosen to occupy himself)

"It's fine," Georgia sighed, toying with her sleeve cuff. She slanted a curious little frown in his direction. "Can I talk to you about something important?"

What in the shit have I done wrong this time? he wondered.

Followed shortly by, not again.

There was a rug here. He could tell.

Hidden. Somewhere.

There was a rug and it was soon to be pulled out from directly beneath him while he tottered about in metaphorical stilettos.

James wasn't sure if that was a gut feeling, or just a feeling to which he had recently become accustomed.

(Sign four)

"Of course you can," he agreed—because what else could he say? Please god no? I really don't want to? I'm fucking exhausted? He reached for her across the table and, to his slight relief, she took the offer of his hand. "What's up?"

She gave his hand a squeeze and smiled at him in a soft, adoring sort of way.

"I think you're amazing, you know," she gushed, quietly enough that her voice was just audible to his ears over the din of clinking cutlery and other diners, but likely impossible for anyone else to hear.

"I think you're amazing too."

"And I've been thinking a lot about us lately, and about how I feel about you, and—" She drew in a breath and let it out softly, her eyes taking on a melancholy which reminded James of when she'd played Ophelia in the school production of Hamlet, with trembling hands pressed again her stomach and synthetic flowers wound into her hair. "These last few weeks have been really difficult for me."

James swallowed the response that impulse demanded he give. "I know."

"It's like I'm this—like there's this person I'm becoming in our relationship who I don't like, and who I don't recognise, and she's so not who I thought I would be, and I don't want to be that person anymore."

After all the shit they had been through recently—most of it unfounded, all of it needless—this, at last, was music to James's ears.

"Right," he said.

"I want to make a real effort to not be that person anymore."

He had to battle the grin that was threatening to surface, lest he appear smug. He wasn't smug. Just fucking relieved. "Right."

"And I think we both need to start fresh, especially with uni starting so soon."

"I completely agree."

"And the thing is, James, I love you," she expelled with sudden, heated, embarrassing-when-heard-in-public fervour, abandoning all pretence of keeping her voice down, like the words had been desperate to get out of her mouth for such an awfully long time that they demanded to be heard by everyone around her. "I've been in love with you for ages, since long before we started going out, and it doesn't seem to matter what you do or what my gut keeps telling me, I think I'll love you no matter what." Her voice was pained in a way that would have rang false, perhaps, had her eyes not been wet with tears again. "And I think I always will."

The magnitude of fear that stabbed James right in the jugular was not for words to describe.

Georgia Boleyn-Smythe, his girlfriend of four months, was telling him she loved him.

Loved him.

A girl was telling James she loved him for the very first time and he…

Didn't love her back.

At all.

James wasn't in the ballpark of that feeling.

He wasn't even close.

And uselessly—because of course his brain would be useless at this moment—the only fully-formed thought which sprang to mind was that he didn't want to be like Peter, who had told Helena Hodge he loved her in the hopes that he'd have sex, got his wish, and had since been advising James to do the same to "save his relationship" and "finally get some action."

All of which was to say, he was going to have to tell her the truth.

He was going to have to hurt her.

Again.

"I, er—right," he said, with a cowardice and impotence that shamed him, but Georgia didn't even seem to notice, smiling as she was through tears which were now spilling down her cheeks, her free hand jumping to join the other in grasping his, her thin veil dropped to reveal an adoration that James simply couldn't bring himself to pretend to reciprocate in kind.

"So you understand now, don't you?" she implored, clinging to his hand as if she'd die when she released it.

James frowned at her. "Understand?"

She almost choked on the breath it took to say it. "Why I'm breaking up with you." 

Out came the rug from beneath him.

It all happened that fast.

And in a fucking Gail's Bakery, no less.

*

Discord Server: WWW Marauders Alliance

Private Chat

Members: Josie, siriusblack

Resumed: Wednesday 4th September 2019, 6:02 p.m.

====================

siriusblack: Prongs got dumped by his girlfriend

Josie: What?
Really??

siriusblack: Really