Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The Superior John: Jasper just jumped on my bed, shouted moving day, and ran away.

The Superior John: HE DOESN'T HAVE A KEY TO MY PLACE

The Superior John: WHO GAVE HIM A KEY

The Superior John: SOMEONE ANSWER ME

Disaster Gay: I copied mine and gave it to him.

The Superior John: I hate you

Disaster Gay: You love me

The Superior John: I'm going to kill you in your sleep

Disaster Gay: You go to sleep at 9 every night, old man, you can't kill me while you're asleep

The Superior John: No, I just leave you at 9. I have a wild social life.

Disaster Gay: No one that says they have a wild social life actually has a wild social life.

The Superior John: Except for me

Disaster Gay: Including you.

The Superior John: Except. For. Me.

Disaster Gay: Inclu. Ding. You.

The Superior John: Fight. Me.

Disaster Gay: I Will.

Perpetually Stoned: Good. Morning.

Perpetually Stoned: Why. Are. We. Typing. Like. This.

Perpetually Stoned: And. You. Need. More. Dorito's.

The Superior John: DID YOU FINISH MY DORITIOS YOU DOUCHE CANOE

Perpetually Stoned: Possibly.

The Better John: Why was I woken up by a loud bang, glass being broken, and Jasper screaming like a little girl?

The Superior John: Screams don't have genders, Mbege

The Superior John: And because Jasper needed to be taught a lesson

Perpetually Stoned: I'm dying.

Perpetually Stoned: Goodbye, sweet world.

Perpetually Stoned: Remember me fondly.

The Better John: MURPHY! WHY DID I HEAR ANOTHER SCREAM!?

The Superior John: Do you want to be tried as an accessory

The Better John: No.

The Superior John: Than don't ask questions

Perpetually Stoned: Update: I'm in the hall. I'm still dying. Y'all better dress up for my funeral.

The Superior John: I'm wearing a trash bag.

Perpetually Stoned: 1) You are a trash bag.

Perpetually Stoned: 2) You're not invited.

The Superior John: Fuck you, I can go to your funeral if I want to

Perpetually Stoned: No you can't, your not invited.

The Superior John: I wasn't invited to your seventh birthday party, but I still went to that

Perpetually Stoned: Technically, you crashed that. And then ate the cake while insulting everyone. Before I blew out candles.

The Superior John: you probably couldn't even blow them out, I was doing you a favor

Perpetually Stoned: I'm the best candle-blower-outer their is.

The Superior John: You have the lung capacity of a premature born baby with a 14 year old mother who smoked during pregnancy with lunch cancer

Perpetually Stoned: The mom has lung cancer or the baby has lung cancer?

The Superior John: Yes

Disaster Gay: Why is the mother's age important?

Perpetually Stoned: Yeah, Murphy, don't shame teenage mothers.

The Superior John: Babies born to teenage mothers have more health problems

Disaster Gay: How do you know that?

The Superior John: Because SOME of us actually paid attention in health class, Miller

Disaster Gay: Yeah, but you weren't one of them.

The Superior John: Fuck off, I was a straight A student

Disaster Gay: I've seen every one of your report cards and never once was there an A. Ever.

The Superior John: I showed you fake ones

Disaster Gay: Than why did you end up as a part time community college student?

The Superior John: Tom Hanks went to community college, so fuck and you

Disaster Gay: Since when do you like Tom Hanks?

The Superior John: Since he went to community college. Not all of us can be on sports scholarships, Miller

Disaster Gay: And not all of us can take a year off of school, flaunt it in everyone's face, and then still end up going to college.

The Superior John: You're just jealous I beat you at Mario Kart because of my intense 9 month training and natural skill

Disaster Gay: YOU CHEATED YOU MAYONNAISE LOOKING CASPER THE GHOST TWINNING DOUCHE NOZZLE

Perpetually Stoned: YOU'RE RUINING MOVING DAY

The Superior John: You're not even moving, Jasper!

Perpetually Stoned: But all of you are and you should be happy!

The Superior John: Yeah, spending 24/7 with you, it's a dream come tru

Perpetually Stoned: I knew you'd come around!

Chapter Text

12:35 pm

Functioning Gay: How is everything going?

Disaster Gay: Everything's a disaster, I'm running away.

Disaster Gay: Or injuring myself to get put in the hospital and away from these idiots.

The Superior John: You don't have health insurance, you can't go to the hospital

The Superior John: And you can't afford a place on your own

Disaster Gay: Shit, you right.

Disaster Gay: I'm living in the wilderness from now on where rent isn't a thing.

Big Blake: Miller, you didn't even last the whole weekend when we went camping with the Boy Scouts.

Disaster Gay: I was seven, Bellamy, that was practically child torture!

Assassin In Training: You two were in Boy Scouts?

Big Blake: Yes.

Big Blake: And, no, you're not seeing pictures.

Assassin In Training: Oh, come on!

Big Blake: No.

The Superior John: Yes

Big Blake: Murphy, no.

Assassin In Training: Murphy, yes.

Perpetually Stoned: Murphy, yes.

Big Blake: Jasper!

Little Blake: Murohy, yes.

Big Blake: Can we please get back on track about what happened!?

The Superior John: Of course, lover dearest

Big Blake: Murphy.

The Superior John: What!? All I did was agree

Big Blake: Every time you call me a pet name that doesn't involve the word dick or ass, it doesn't end well and is filled with sarcasm.

The Superior John: Me? Sarcastic? Neeeeeeeeever

Big Blake: ANYWAYS.

Big Blake: Jasper said that it's a free for all for rooms.

Big Blake: Even though we already decided who got which rooms.

Big Blake: And then he ran into his room on the first floor, yelled dibs, and jumped on the bed.

Perpetually Confused: He's been practicing that all week :)

Perpetually Stoned: Don't expose me like this!

Perpetually Worried: He also fell on the floor while practicing the jump. Several times.

Perpetually Stoned: Et tu, Brutus? Et tu?

Perpetually Worried: Et tu. Very much et tu.

Perpetually Stoned: I have no girlfriends. Murphy, I'm dating you now.

The Superior John: Please, I have some standards

The Superior John: Why do you think I'm dating Bellamy and not Echo?

Perpetually Stoned: Hey!

Assassin In Training: Hey!

Big Blake: Murphy!

The Superior John: https://media.tenor.com/images/605780a644d9bda24e299124e4585b21/tenor.gif

The Better John: Can you PLEASE just download gifs instead of googling them?

Big Blake: Can you all PLEASE stay on topic, I'm trying to expose people here.

The Better John: Continue.

Big Blake: SO

Big Blake: Octavia and Lincoln decided they couldn't wait five damn minutes to start sinning.

Little Blake: You're one to talk.

Big Blake: I am one to talk, because YOU ALMOST HAD SEX WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME

Little Blake: You once made out with your girlfriend in the middle of the club

The Superior John: And you once had sex in your sister's bed

Big Blake: Murphy!

Little Blake: WHAT!?

Big Blake: Ignore him.

Little Blake: I'm gonna kill you!

Disaster Gay: ANYWAYS

Functioning Gay: I'm beginning to regret asking......

Disaster Gay: Murphy was getting Bellamy to bring in his stuff by promising a blow job, so then Echo promised the same thing and Bellamy had to bring in both of their, plus his own, bags. And there was, like, a lot.

Disaster Gay: And then Jasper started fighting with Harper about Brangelina and Bennifer. Again.

Perpetually Stoned: Bennifer was better and Angelina's a home wrecker! It wasn't a fight, it was me being right and Harper being dumb!

Literal Golden Retreiver: Brangelina was iconic! And Rachel's the worst Friend!

Perpetually Stoned: YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW!

Literal Golden Retreiver: MAKE ME, BITCH!

Disaster Gay: Well, Jasper's now chasing Harpee around the house.

Disaster Gay: Mbege saw the original Bennifer/Brangelina fight, said he "Didn't have time for this white nonsense" before going to his room and yelling that everyone's an idiot.

Disaster Gay: And then Murohy said "What about me" and Mbege yelled back "You're the reason I'm here. Especially you."

Disaster Gay: And than Murphy chased Mbege and they started fighting and I'm still not sure if it was serious or play fighting but Mbege got a bloody nose and Murphy got a black eye.

Disaster Gay: And neither was Bellamy , so he threatened Mbege.

Disaster Gay: And then Murphy threatened Bellamy for threatening Mbege.

Disaster Gay: And then Echo threatened Murphy for threatening Bellamy for threatening Mbege.

Disaster Gay: And then somehow they all ended up yelling at each other.

Disaster Gay: And Monty yelled that he cut himself, but he was lying to get the fighting to stop.

Disaster Gay: And Murphy said he could never trust again.

The Superior John: I can't. My trust is forever broken. I feel hollow inside.

Disaster Gay: Okay, emo boy.

The Superior John: That's emo MAN to you

Disaster Gay: Emo BOY.

The Superior John: You want to fucking fight, Miller?

Disaster Gay: Yes.

Functioning Gay: I'd prefer if you didn't fight my boyfriend.

The Superior John: Because you know he'd get his ass kicked

Functioning Gay: I never said that.

The Superior John: You didn't deny it, either

Tree Hugger: Why was there just a loud bang from downstairs?

The Better John: More white nonsense.

The Better John: Jasper tackled Harper to the ground and says he won't get off until she admits that Bennifer is better and that he has a lot of farts saved up.

Perpetually Confused: Jasper!

Perpetually Worried: Jasper!

Make Algea Not War: Jasper!

The Superior John: Bellamy just picked Jasper up by the back of his neck like a kitten and put him in the living room and told him he was in time out

The Superior John: Your boyfriend could never

Assassin In Training: Mine could.

The Superior John: I'm trying to be a meme, Echo, fuck off

Big Blake: Do you want to be in time out, too?

The Superior John: Spankings always worked better for me

Little Blake: I did NOT need to know that.

The Superior John: You didn't need to know that I liked being spanked or that your brother liked spanking me?

Little Blake: Both!

Little Blake: I don't need to know about y'all's freaky sex lives!

The Better John: But we have to SEE yours?

Little Blake: You could have knocked.

The Better John: THE DOOR WAS OPEN!

Little Blake:.......

Little Blake: The wind opened the door?

Tree Hugger: That was bad, even for you.

Little Blake: What do you mean 'even for you'?

Tree Hugger: You gave me my birthday present a month early because you couldn't keep it from me.

Tree Hugger: And then you kept getting me more gifts, but you kept telling me about them.

Tree Hugger: I had, like, ten gifts by my actual birthday.

Big Blake: You once told Mom that you couldn't do your homework because you were temporarily blinded by your own beauty.

The Superior John: You were the one that told me Bellamy liked me

Assassin In Training: Me, too.

The Better John: You can't even keep other peoples secrets?

Little Blake: In my defense, I also told Bellamy that Murphy and Echo liked him.

The Better John: Still not your own secret!

Little Blake: And you're still a nerd.

Functioning Gay: I am severely regretting asking.

The Better John: I don't blame you.

Functioning Gay: As much as I am enjoying hearing about this disaster, I have to go and actually be a functioning adult.

Chapter Text

Murphy: Okay, who's gonna take me in when Mbege kicks me out tonight?

Maya: Why is Mbege kicking you out?

Murphy: It's a long story.

Murphy: But basically, I adopted five cats and they're currently in the living room climbing up the walls.

Mbege: JOHN!

Murphy: OTHER JOHN!

Mbege: You better have them all out by the time I get out of work or I'm throwing you out of the window.

Murphy: That won't get the cats out.

Monty: How did you even get five cats?

Monty: What shelter would give you five cats at once?

Monty: How did you afford five cats?

Murphy: I'm a mystery wrapped in an enigma, Monty, don't question me and my ways.

Echo: Did you just quote Erika Jayne?

Murphy: Winston Churchill said it first.

Miller: Yeah, but you didn't binge The Real Housewives of Churchill last week, you Bravo fanboy.

Murphy: Stop exposing me Miller!

Monty: So are we just not gonna find out how he got the cats?

Bellamy: He found outdoor cats and took them home. He tries to do it every time we go out.

Murphy: Stop exposing me Bellamy!

Murphy: This is not Expose Murphy Day!

Octavia: I declare it is now.

Octavia: Murphy once stole a shirt from Walmart.

Murphy: Am I supposed to be ashamed of that?

Octavia: What about when you called me over to get rid of a spider?

Octavia: And then wouldn't let me kill it, because all living things deserve to live.

Murphy: THINGS SHOULD LIVE! YOU DON'T NEED A REASON TO EXIST!

Murphy: And it was a huge spider!

Lincoln: He once sat in a tree that was supposed to be cut down for three hours because I asked him to.

Murphy: That was to annoy the police, not for you.

Murphy: You're not that special.

Jasper: He once beat up a person who was bullying me. Actually, he beat up several bullies, several times.

Jasper: He almost got kicked out of school for me, actually.

Jasper: And took on a guy twice is size.

Murphy: I like to fight, that's all.

Murphy: You're not special either, Jasper.

Harper: Murphy helped me dye my hair when my Mom said I couldn't. And then helped me dye it back when I ended up hating it.

Murphy: That was to piss off your mom.

Murphy: Bellamy is the only one out of all of you that's special or I care about it in any way.

Bellamy: Awwwww

Murphy: You started this, Blake, you're still on thin fucking ice.

Bellamy: But you care about me!

Murphy: I also cared about my Tamagotchi.

Murphy: My Tamagotchi is now dead.

Murphy: Watch your fucking back.

Chapter Text

Better Than You All: So, Sinclair grounded me.

The Superior John: How do you ground a 20 year old?

Better Than You All: He took my car keys.

Better Than You All: So I'm gonna sneak out and meet someone around the corner who'll pick me up in their car.

Better Than You All: So which one of you is gonna pick me up?

The Superior John: I don't have a car

The Superior John: And even if I did, I wouldn't pick you up

Better Than You All: Rude af

Bigger Blake: If you tell me what you did I'll pick you up.

Better Than You All: That information is completely unnecessary.

Resistance Is Butyl: Did you blow something up again?

Better Than Tangled: Did you set something on fire again?

Better Than You All: No and no!

Literal Golden Retreiver: Did you try to upgrade the electronics in the house and end up breaking them all again?

Better Than You All: No!

Bigger Blake: Did you sneak out to go set off fireworks again?

Better Than You All: I have SOME originality, guys!

Make Algea Not War: What did you do?

Better Than You All: Sinclair was talking on the phone to someone who takes her car to the shop at least twice a week for stupid things purely because she likes him and he likes her so when they were on the phone I started playing Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye and then when he said to turn it off I turned it up and then when he turned it down I yelled into the phone that he wants to bang her.

Better Than You All: I’m trying to help him find love!

Bigger Blake: Nevermind, I’m not picking you up.

Better Than You All: Why do you hate love, Bellamy?

Bigger Blake: I don’t hate love, I’m just not too fond of you.

Perpetually Stoned: Daaaaaaaaaamn

Perpetually Stoned: He got you good.

The Superior John: I knew there was a reason I liked you, Bell.

Perpetually Stoned: You mean the reason isn't his dick?

The Superior John: Well, that’s a plus.

Little Blake: If you guys don’t change the topic right away, I’m leaving the chat and destroying the house.

The Better John: White. Nonsense.

The Superior John: Mbege, last month you fell off of your bed when I opened the curtains and yelled ‘My eyes! My eyes! I’m burning!’ You can’t talk about white nonsense.

The Better John: Murphy, you once fell over WHILE YOU WERE STANDING STILL

The Superior John: That’s not white nonsense, that’s me being clumsy.

Assassin In Training: No, white nonsense is thinking a house is haunted so you go in the basement and yell ‘hello, is anyone there’

Bigger Blake: That was white nonsense, but you didn’t need to slam the door to scare him, babe.

The Superior John: THAT WAS YOU!?!?!?!?!

The Superior John: I THOUGHT THE PLACE WAS REALLY HAUNTED!!!!!

Assassin In Training: Maybe it is. Maybe a ghost possessed me.

Little Blake: Did a ghost possess you when you did a dramatic reenactment and were laughing your ass off?

Assassin In Training: Possibly.

Better Than You All: So is anyone gonna come get me or not?

Tree Hugger: Me and Octavia are on the way, but we’re going to McDonald’s first.

Better Than You All: Why first? I want McDonald’s!

Little Blake: Well, we want it now.

Perpetually Stoned: Can you bring me back some fries?

Little Blake: No.

Tree Hugger: Yes.

Little Blake: No. Get your own food.

Tree Hugger: Any other requests?

Little Blake: Lincoln! Stop being nice!

The Superior John: I could really use a big mac.

Bigger Blake: Make that two.

Assassin In Training: Make that three.

Literal Golden Retreiver: I want chicken nuggets!

Perpetually Confused: Oh, me, too!

Perpetually Stoned: Actually, chicken nuggets sounds good. I want those, too!

Little Blake: Who exactly is paying for all this food?

Bigger Blake: Everyone get in the car, I’ll take you all to McDonald’s.

Better Than You All: So you’ll take them to McDonald’s, but won’t pick me up?

Bigger Blake: Yes.