Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

1

Seo Changbin had just finished practicing a dance move that he could not do very well with Felix when he heard the muffled talking. He had left the practice room earlier since Felix said he had to meet up with Hyunjin that has something to do with another choreography Changbin did not want to find out. He strolled down the hall after cleaning himself a little in the company’s bathroom. He passed by a group of  girls who he had recognized were trainees and they were laughing about something the middle girl had said. They were not particularly quiet about what they were discussing.

“Have you heard about that one lyricist in Stray Kids? I mean rapper, right rapper,” the girl from the far right asked.

“What was his name? Changhin? Chanbin? Changjin?” the middle girl said. “Oh whatever! I heard they call him baby Changbin! Isn’t that a bit weird? After all he’s one of the eldest members.”

“I think it’s because he’s tiny. But isn’t it disgusting to be called baby by your own members or like...someone who’s actually younger than you?” the girl from the far right laughed. “Absolutely disgusting.”

“Shhh! You two,” the one on the left said, “what if someone heard us? The dude who passed by might even be a member of Stray Kids! We don’t want to let that tiny dude know we’re making fun of him, right?”

Uh well actually, I’m the Changbin you all were talking about, he thought as a chuckle left his lips. Since he was going on the opposite direction of the girls he never got to have a good look on who they were. Nevertheless he (pretended) ignored their statements, deciding to prioritize his dinner. As he turned from a corner he was finally at main lobby of the JYP building.

There were not a lot of people in the lobby, a janitor, and another group of 3 trainees (or so what Changbin concluded from the way they looked familiar with the area and he may or may had not seen them before. Once again the small guy knew it was rude to eavesdrop but he could not help it. Maybe if they actually talked somewhere not in the open he would not have heard them loud and clear.

“That small dude from Stray Kids is so annoying!” the tallest of the bunch hissed. “Is he the smallest, right? The one with spear in his name?!”

Changbin froze for a moment. It seemed he was really famous with trainees these days and it was not pretty at all. He swallowed a lump from his throat, making sure no one heard that loud gulp. He was about to leave when he heard a reply from one of the dude’s friends.

“You’re being too loud hyung, you know you can’t say that outloud. We know he’s annoying and how useless he is but we just can’t say that aloud,” the smallest said, making sure he at least whispered the reply.

“Yeah who knows maybe someone from this place knows him.”

His heart was telling him that all of those things were lies and he knew they were . But Changbin could not help it. His mind was telling him that they were right. What was he even doing in Stray Kids? What was the point of it all? Why were they all bashing him? He literally just left the practice room.

Slowly Changbin felt ashamed, lowering his gaze a little from a passerby who looked at him with pity. Did he know who that was? He was not thinking straight, he could hear voices in his head telling him they were right. Their sneers and remarks continued to echo in his head along with a voice repeating the words “ they’re right, what are you doing here? ” and at that moment he really wanted to scream. To tell them to stop and let him be but he could not hear his voice.

At first he was sad and confuse but now he was furious. How dare they call him useless? He was not at all useless! He was a lyrical genius and an amazing rapper- but they were right aside from lyrics you’re nothing at all to them so stop encouraging yourself. Changbin really, really wanted to scream now. But someone stopped him from his upcoming outburst.

“Ah Changbin hyung! There you are!” someone exclaimed from his right side.

Changbin was startled from the person who broke his own train of thoughts. The small male looked at his side only to see a slightly taller boy with chubby cheeks, eyes twinkling with joy, grinning softly at him. It was Han Jisung and the boy was the legit sun if Changbin would describe him right now.

“Why are you smiling like that?” the older asked, utterly confused and slightly forgetting about his worries and the opinions of others.

“Nothing much! I just want to thank you for the other, other day!” Jisung smiled. “You know the time you helped me write those lyrics because I could not think of a better term for ‘tears’ and you said ‘sweat’ was better!”

Changbin was even more confused now but he let the younger be. “But that was a long time ago, Jisung-ah!”

“Also that one time you when I thought I couldn’t reach the high notes, you told me I could do it and you believed in me! Also that one time I could not get this one dance step and I was too shy to ask Minho hyung for help and then you helped me without even me asking you for help! I’m so grateful, hyung!” Jisung rambled. “Also that one time Minho hyung had to rap and he couldn’t get the flow, you helped him a lot. The time Chan hyung was so tired you took the job to make sure he gets home! And then when Felix was a bit discouraged, you helped him back on his feet. Honestly hyung I’m just so thankful for you today!”

“Jisung-ah, you’re kinda scaring me. Is everything alright?” Changbin asked, concern latched on his face. The younger simply beamed as a reply, widening and his eyes crinkling softly.

All of a sudden there were murmurs along the lobby and Changbin did not know whether to grab Jisung and drag him out of the building or pretend he did not know who the younger was. But then he heard their comments, although quiet, some were audible.

“Oh so that’s the Changbin dude from Stray Kids!”

“He’s pretty good, I guess.”

“It seems to me that his group loves and needs him.”

Suddenly Changbin understood what Jisung was doing. Sure the younger was thanking him like really thanking him for all the stuff he mentioned but that was not all. He was bragging about him and was making sure a lot of people heard him. It made Changbin happier even if it’s just a little. He was actually proud and his self-esteem slowly crept back in him. The older was staring at the floor for a moment before looking up, meeting Jisung’s gentle smile.

“Are Chan hyung and Minho hyung waiting for us at the restaurant?” Changbin asked casually.

“Nope, but they’ll be coming down soon. We should go there now,” Jisung replied, walking pass Changbin to the company’s entrance.

Changbin followed after the squirrel boy, launching a back attack at the same time ruffling the latter’s hair affectionately. He was grinning happily now and was so grateful for the younger.

“Jisung-ah.”

“Yes hyung?”

“Thank you so much.”

Jisung smiled. “What? I did not do anything at all.”

Changbin pouted but he heard Jisung’s whisper of “no problem, hyung.” which made him smile once again.

Chapter Text

2

Bang Chan blinked twice at the screen blaring at him. It was way past 1 in the morning and he was still at the studio. They still needed three more songs for the album they were going to promote next comeback and it was frustrating for him to not know how to arrange some of the beats he had. Some of the producers in JYP had already given him advice on what to do for one of the beats he thought was good and he was currently trying to rearrange it.

As much as he usually stayed later in the building he knew he was not the only one working hard. The other members of 3RACHA were at the room near the room he was in, writing lyrics on a beat and tune he had made. A small smile made its way to his face knowing how talented those two were and he was extremely glad he was not alone in this field. However it did worry him that the two younger boys wouldn’t have a lot of sleeping hours. From the bags under their eyes he would see everyday, it makes him a little guilty sometimes. Jisung had once reassured him that it was nothing the two could not handle but at times Chan knew the younger was lying knowing how Jisung loved sleeping so much. Changbin would usually wave it off as though it was a common thing but the leader was nonetheless worried.

Of course the whole Stray Kids were all working hard for this album to be successful. Hyunjin, Minho, and Felix were perfecting the choreography taught by their choreographers. Woojin, Jeongin, and Seungmin were taking vocal lessons every evening to make sure their voices were still intact. And of course the ever so diligent 3RACHA who commonly did music at the wee hours of the morning. To say Chan was very proud of his team would definitely be an understatement. But to say Chan was very worried was also an understatement.

Lost in his thoughts, he forgot about the instrumental that was on repeat on his ears. He slapped his face twice to make sure he stayed awake. He tried to focus on the track he was currently rearranging but it seemed like he couldn’t really do anything with it. He decided to finish the other track he was suppose to rearrange. It was a part of their mixtapes in every album and he wanted to make sure it was great. Mixtapes compose of not only 3RACHA’s lyrics but also the whole Stray Kids which made it even more special. As of now there were a few lyrics to still tweak for this song and a little arrangement was left. Or that was what Chan thought at first.

He listened to the beat thrice and decided he was not satisfied with his old arrangement at all. He realized there was something off and it was not really that...sentimental for him yet. He chose to fix the beat for this mixtape. He would check the lyrics later.

He didn’t know time had passed already. One hour had already gone by and it was half past 2 in the morning. His eyes were slowly becoming droopy but he was happy. The rearranging he had been doing was slowly becoming decent enough and he was proud of himself that he had done a lot in the past hour. Knowing that he was close to perfecting the tune and arrangement he trudged forward despite some parts of his body protesting (especially his eyes).

The leader was so busy and in his own world trying to finish the song as soon as possible so he could go back to the dorm and sleep that he did not notice the door had open. Two figures entered the room, and had looked at Chan’s slouched back with a frown, worry evident in their eyes. The smaller of the two boys slowly walked to their hyung and tapped their hyung’s right shoulder. Chan gasped in surprise only to sigh in relief upon seeing Changbin’s scowling face staring intently to his.

“Chan hyung, are you done yet? Maybe you should call it a night,” Changbin spoke softly, rubbing his hand on Chan’s shoulder.

Chan smiled sleepily at the younger and shook his head, “I’m finishing this track so you and Jisungie should go ahead. And both of you should make sure you sleep longer than 5 hours.”

“But hyung you need it as much as we do-,” Jisung began to protest.

“I’m almost done anyway,” Chan replied, waving his hand off tiredly. “I’ll follow a little later, don’t worry.”

Changbin’s scowl deepened at his hyung’s answer. He opened his mouth to speak again but Chan gave him a look. The leader hoped it looked like he was a bit mad or convincing enough for the younger two to leave.

The smallest sighed then stood up from his squat. He motioned Jisung to follow him as he left the room. The maknae of 3RACHA followed a few seconds later. Chan did not check what took Jisung a few seconds to leave but now that he knew he was alone again he quickly went back to work.

Chan did not when it happened but one minute he was finalizing a track, the next minute he was sleeping on the couch in the studio he was in. Since when did he walk to get there? Let alone lie down on the couch?

He checked the clock and saw that it was already 8 in the morning meaning he had two hours before they go back to dance practice. With a little sigh he laid down for a few more minutes. Two hours was more than enough time for him to prepare himself. He would probably continue rearranging the track later in the afternoon or evening. Once he deemed he was ready, he tried to sit up. Something was weighing against him forcing him not to stand. He was confused for a second before trying again.

He tried to sit up from his lying position only to find out someone was actually holding his hand. He looked at the person who was sitting on the floor, fast a sleep, a beanie tucked on his head and a black hoodie that seemed so familiar. Chan was about to wake up the boy who was holding his hand tightly when the said boy stirred from his sleep.

Jisung lifted his head slightly, his eyes blinking lazily as he stared at Chan for a good minute before the squirrel boy gasped. He let go of Chan’s hand and crawled back a little from the couch. This made the leader chuckle as he sat up from the lying position he was from. He smiled affectionately to Jisung who stood up and quickly made his way back to the couch to sit beside Chan. The older’s smile suddenly turned into a scowl when he was finally able to fully process what Jisung did.

“Jisung-ah, did you come back from the dorm to the studio at night?” Chan asked worriedly, brows furrowed as he glanced at the younger’s direction.

Jisung shrugged, “I actually didn’t leave the building.”

“Then what about Binnie? Was he alone going back to the dorm?”

“Changbin hyung and I were on our way to the entrance when we saw Hyunjin leaving from one of the practice rooms along with Jeongin who looked really sleepy,” Jisung explained, his brows furrowing too as he recalled seeing Jeongin. “Seeing our maknae like that reminded me of your state in the studio so I told them I would wait for you to finish. They were protesting that I shouldn’t do it but I just wanted to make sure you were doing good. I somehow convinced them and they left, leaving me with my own assigned task. I first knocked at the door but you didn’t answer so I just went in. It’s actually a bit funny because when I saw you were already sleeping. Your head was lolling away from the chair and I just didn’t want to wake you up and that’s that.”

Chan didn’t immediately reply to Jisung’s explanation. He was staring blankly at Jisung’s eyes to which the younger diverted after feeling a bit uncomfortable. After a while, the leader replied.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Chan mumbled.

“What was that hyung?”

“I said you didn’t have to do that. Look you didn’t even sleep comfortably last night and we only had less than five hours of sleep! What if your health deteriorates? Ji, you better take care of yourself better, okay? And please don’t do this again.”

“But hyung your health is worse than mine. I know I do take care of myself a lot but just not last night! You need to sleep too hyung. You need to relax and rest as much as we do. You’ve done a lot of great things for us not only by simply leading Stray Kids but you also produce amazing songs and write wonderful lyrics. You even make sure we’re healthy when I know you don’t do it to yourself! Hyung as much as I need to sleep properly and in a right sleeping position last night, you needed it more than I do,” Jisung said, concern very clear on his face.

Chan swallowed a lump from his throat. He knew the younger was correct. Heck, he had even noticed it but he just did not want to admit it. But right now, he thought he really needed to admit this.

“Fine,” Chan sighed, getting up from the couch. “You’re right, Jisungie but let’s not talk about it right now. We still need to go to the dorms and get ready for practice later.”

“Not before we eat breakfast! Come on hyung I know you’re hungry,” Jisung whined, a smile plastered on his face. He then pouted as though he was not getting what he wanted (which was kinda true).

Chan had to sigh again. He shook his head and gave Jisung a playful smile. “You know I’m weak for your pouts, right mate? Let’s just go!”

Chapter Text

Jeongin was nervous once again. Ever since their predebut survival show he was slowly losing confidence in his singing. JYP calling him amateur was probably one of the worst experiences he had but he learned to overcome and prove the producer wrong. It’s just that sometimes he would feel a little down and lose some self-esteem in the process.

Don’t get him wrong, the maknae would agree that he has a beautiful voice but there were times that he would lose that teeny weeny confidence that stayed with him. He never told anyone about it though. He never wanted to burden them with his problems and doubts so he kept to himself the worries he had. The countless times their vocal coach told him to have some confidence in his voice. The relentless reminders of Minho to him to dance with more confidence. He would endure it all and try his best despite the voices in his head telling him it was useless to try becoming good at something he oh so knew well. He would ignore them sometimes but there are times especially if he was alone at the bathroom early in the morning they would constantly remind him how dumb and useless it was for him to work harder. They would never fully get him though.

He would always offer his smile to any of the members just for them to cheer up but that may break soon. And someone may have noticed his smiles sometimes turning fake.

“I think Jeongin’s traumatized in front of JYP,” a member said in front of the interviewer. “He has constantly received bad criticism from JYP and I really think that’s not good for him at all.”

Jeongin was anxious the moment he woke up. Today was a day for dance lessons in the morning, vocal lessons in the afternoon, and that night, Chan wanted him to record his part in a song they just recently finished. Jeongin had heard the guide a few days ago and he would describe the song as catchy as well as the lyrics were very meaningful. On that day he was very excited to record it but now he was not. He just wanted to stay in bed and sleep this depressive day (thankfully it was a weekend and he really didn’t have any classes).

He groaned and sat up, opening his phone and squinted when he saw the “7:00” blaring at him. He was on time thankfully. As much as he wanted to stay in bed, he knew work had to be done so he stood up and went to the bathroom to get ready. The fear of hearing those voices increased every step he took towards the bathroom. Chan had waved at him as he walked their hallway from the bedrooms of their dorm.

“I’m going to wake up Hyunjin and Seungmin right now. Could you wake up Jisung before you go to the bathroom?” Chan requested and the maknae nodded as a reply and both of them entered the three’s room.

Now Jeongin did not know if he would be grateful to Chan for delaying his bathroom time and at the same time getting angry at him since he had to wake up Jisung. Of all the members, why Jisung?

Jeongin realized belatedly that maybe it was because he was his roommate. With a small frustrated groan, he reentered their room and jumped at Jisung’s bed. The older boy currently snuggled on the wall. Jeongin leaned close to his roommate’s ear and whispered something he thought would either terrify or make him wide awake.

“Jisung hyung, wake up we need to record some songs according to Chan hyung~!”

Upon hearing those words, Jisung sat up, bumping Jeongin’s head who was leaning against him.

“Ow! Hyung!!” Jeongin whined, rubbing his forehead.

“Jeongin-ah! I never thought you’d wake me up let alone with that method!” Jisung rasped, a sleepy voice still evident.

“But you need to wake up now! Chan hyung told me he wanted to record your part in the afternoon and you have dance lessons in the morning with us, hyung!” Jeongin reminded the older.

Jisung nodded slowly, a smile crept to his face. “Did Innie-ah really remember all of that for me? You’re way too sweet! Just like your sweet, sweet voice!”

“Hyung please! I don’t need to hear some cheesy words from you right now!”

Jeongin left after that, rubbing the bump Jisung did to him. Surprisingly he forgot about the voices that would persistently visit him in his lone shower time. He only realized it was quiet in the bathroom when he was already changing clothes back in his room. Not knowing why the voices left, he shrugged it off and might have hoped they would not come back later in the day.

Oh how much he wished he had prayed too, not only hoping it would happen. Jeongin was once again nervous as he waited for his turn with their vocal coach. He was pacing around the halls near the room since someone else was currently in with their teacher. He tried to remain calm but his heart wasn’t really listening right now. It’s not that he was going to perform that’s why he was also confused. He was only going to have his lesson, why was he this anxious? He shook his head then slapped both of his cheeks lightly.

He heard footsteps nearing him and tried to look for another hallway to hide his probably watery eyes already. A small gasp from the person made him look up. A small boy with orange-y hair and chubby cheeks appeared on his line of vision. The boy was smiling at him and was telling him something but Jeongin felt like he was underwater and he could not properly hear his hyung to which the older scowled.

Suddenly the maknae was being hugged by Jisung that made him gasp in shock. It was a few minutes before he returned the hug. He had not noticed immediately but he began to hear Jisung’s whispers of sweet lines that slowly turned to him singing For You a little. Jeongin giggled at this when Jisung stopped singing softly. Jeongin was the first one he went away from the hug and so his hyung pouting at him.

“And here I was cheering you up and you laugh at me?” Jisung’s pout deepened.

“It’s just...why did you suddenly sing?” Jeongin asked, genuinely curious.

“Oh, it was nothing,” his hyung replied sheepishly. “Now would you mind telling me why you were down a few minutes ago? It’s okay if you don’t though…just know that you’re never a burden to me, Jeongin. Whatever the emotions you currently feel won’t affect the way I love you as a younger brother I have.”

Jeongin was shocked to hear it from one of his members. Jisung reminded him he was not a burden and it almost made Jeongin cry but he quickly composed himself realizing then that it might be better to tell one of his hyungs his worries. And so the maknae spilled the beans to Jisung who listened intently and quietly. When he was done the smaller gave him a huge grin and patted his right shoulder. This made the younger confused.

“I’m so glad you told me your worries,” Jisung began. “Now I’ll remind you of this. You are amazing, you are talented, and you have a really really wonderful voice. It’s very angelic and unique and I would listen to it every second if I could! That may sound a little like exaggerating things but I mean it, Innie. Don’t you dare get those ideas back in your thoughts! I will remind you everyday of how worth it you are as a person and most especially as a member of Stray Kids.”

Jeongin was teary-eyed after Jisung’s mini speech. Honestly he wanted to cry then and there but he had a vocal lesson in a few minutes and he didn’t want the teacher or their manager, hell even Chan to get the wrong idea. 

“Now you better smile or else I will sleep at your bed!” Jisung grinned mischievously.

Jeongin beamed at first but then frowned. He hit Jisung’s arm playfully in which the older countered and pretended he was badly hurt. Jeongin laughed at this, his bright smile so genuine that it made Jisung smile back too.

“Jeongin-ah! The coach wants to see you now!” their manager called from a far, waving at Jeongin and Jisung who were currently at the end of the hallway.

Jeongin’s smile suddenly left his face. It was obvious that he was beginning to be nervous again. Jisung immediately noticed it and quickly spoke, “Innie just remember what I told you! You’ll do great, right hyung?”

“Jisung is right, Innie,” their manager smiled encouragingly.

“O-oh um, thank you,” the youngest mumbled and began strolling away from them.

Jeongin was only a few steps away from the two older men when he felt a hand touching his shoulder. He turned around and saw Jisung who leaned near his ear and then whispered, “You’ll do great Jeongin-ah. I believe in you.” Jeongin nodded and with confidence, he walked to the room for his vocal lessons.

Chapter Text

Hwang Hyunjin was once again outside, alone. It’s not that he was lonely but he would rather be alone at that time. It was nearing sunset as he stayed in front of the nearest cafe to their dorm, his ordered drink was already half empty an hour ago and the boy did not find any reason to finish it fully. He wore a light green hoodie with a white mask on him and a bucket hat that looked like it was used a lot of times. He was of course trying to hide from people because he really wanted that lonesome time. He hated hearing those words anyway if people saw him.

“Why is he so handsome? I wish I had his looks but he might actually be useless in their group. You know, those ‘just visuals’ members.”

“Is he a huge artist?! Wait, he's from JYP?? He’s so handsome~! I like him already.”

“Why does it look like he’s only good-looking but is pretty useless in whatever group he’s in…”

“Honestly, he's just a pretty face. I’m sure his team could live without him.”

He had enough hearing those words. He had tried so very hard to prove them wrong and he would continue to do so...after this particular time alone he wanted to have. It’s not full on relaxing because someone might actually recognize him and that was a bit nerve wracking for him but for the past three and half hours no one seemed to have recognized him. 

He was situated inside the cafe near a window and the view of the orangey sky was welcomed. Hyunjin watched the sky for a few minutes noticing the shade slowly turning darker and that made him smile. Maybe he should’ve relaxed while he was here.

His phone was off the whole time he was in the cafe and so when he was about to leave he opened it again. There were text messages from Chan, Seungmin, Jeongin, and Jisung. Chan had simply asked if he wanted to record his rap part on their new song tomorrow and that was only an hour ago so Hyunjin replied with a “sure” then proceeded to check what Seungmin texted him. The same age friend of his only asked for notes for a science lesson an hour ago at first then he followed it up with “are you taking this lesson??” to which Hyunjin knew he doesn’t so he replied a simple no to the slightly younger.

In Jeongin’s case, the message was only ten minutes ago and he only asked if he had seen the maknae’s school socks to which Hyunjin replied with a “I think Minho hyung took it to the laundry.” to which the younger immediately replied with a sad face. When he saw Jisung’s message, it was two hours ago. Jisung was inviting Hyunjin out for dinner and the younger even said he would pay for their food. Hyunjin considered it for a moment. He was offered dinner, FREE DINNER! Hyunjin could hardly believe it though, especially since it was rare for Jisung to offer such a thing. Last time Hyunjin checked, Jisung paid Minho’s lunch when they went on a friendly date and that was more than half a year ago! Nevertheless it was alright and he really wanted to for reasons he did not know so he sent a reply: “Sure! Sorry this was a late reply. I turned off my phone about the time you sent the message.”

Hyunjin began to stand up from his place at the cafe when he heard a knock from the glass window to his left. He looked up and saw a grinning squirrel who was wearing a red hoodie and skinny jeans, black face mask rolled to his chin. A small beanie was placed haphazardly on his head. Why was Jisung here already? He literally sent his reply not even a minute ago. The slightly older chuckled at the boy outside, deciding to leave the cafe and walked to where Jisung stood outside. The smaller boy’s grin never left his face as though he was really excited for something.

“I sent my reply to your text not even a minute ago, and you’re already here?” Hyunjin asked, crossing his arms.

“Hyunjinnie I was at the bakery near this cafe when you replied,” Jisung said. “I came to this place and, uh, I might have forgotten what I was supposed to buy in the bakery,” he pouted.

“Were you ordered to buy something?”

A small nod.

“Was it Chan hyung?”

Another small nod.

“Then that might be a croissant or the like,” Hyunjin replied easily.

Jisung’s smile went back on his face. He dragged Hyunjin to join him back to the bakery which was just a lot away from the cafe he had stayed at.

Once they got the bread their hyung wanted Hyunjin realized something. How did Jisung know I was in that cafe?

“It was actually easy,” Hyunjin was surprised to hear Jisung answer his question in his mind. But maybe he actually said it outloud.

“‘The dude near the window looks like Hyunjin, maybe it’s him’,” Jisung chuckled, “that’s what I thought when I was walking in the neighborhood a half an hour ago. Your bucket hat gave you away too.”

Hyunjin flinched and mumbled, “was I really that obvious?”

Jisung smiled at him, shaking his head. “I just really know what you look like Hyunjin-ah. Now let’s give this bread to Woojin hyung and then we’ll get dinner!”

“Are you for real?” Hyunjin laughed out loud from another joke Jisung had been telling him. He almost choked at the samgyeopsal he was eating. The free dinner Jisung gave was coming to an end and it made Hyunjin a little sad.

“Please stop ordering more, my wallet can’t take it anymore,” Jisung had whined fifteen minutes ago so he knew it was coming to an end.

“I’m glad you enjoyed dinner, Hyunjin-sshi,” Jisung said cheekily.

Hyunjin slapped the younger’s shoulder teasingly and then gave him a pout. “Since when were you that respectful?” then began laughing out loud again.

Jisung only continued to smile at him with his cheeks full of food. He really looked like a squirrel from the way he was eating. With the last meat eaten, the two left the restaurant very full. Hyunjin burped about four times on their way home to which Jisung would laugh at every time it happened. He ignored the younger’s humour when he burped. The bus ride was short and once they reached their stop they had a few minutes of walking before they got home.

Suddenly Jisung stopped walking. They were near their dorm already so the older man wondered why did the boy stop? Jisung sighed deeply before looking straight at Hyunjin’s eyes. He looked very serious which made Hyunjin a little nervous.

“Hyunjinnie, I would like to say thank you,” Jisung began. “Thank you for sometimes helping me in some dance steps I couldn’t understand. Thank you so much for working hard and learning things quickly. I’m so glad you haven’t given up. Also thanks for cheering me up at times and laughing at my ugly jokes when most of our members would ignore me,” he pouted playfully. “I’m just really grateful!”

Hyunjin did not know how to reply but just gave Jisung a hug to which the other boy snuggled closer. The slightly older rolled his eyes but a fond smile was plastered on his face. 

“You’re not just a pretty face, Jinnie. You’re more than your visuals. You’re hardworking, can learn extremely fast, can rap and sing well despite being part of the dance team. Your parents are proud of you, I’m- WE are proud of you. I’m so happy you’re part of our family,” Jisung whispered softly in between their hug.

Hyunjin did not know why but he felt tears falling from his eyes. Jisung pulled away, wiping the tears falling to Hyunjin’s cheeks. The younger one was once again grinning at him as he silently comforted Hyunjin who could not understand why he can’t stop crying. Nevertheless he too was grateful for Jisung. He realized he needed to hear those words from someone who cherished the most.

With a small smile on his face, he wiped the remaining tear tracks. Jisung was looking at him expectantly, worry was in his eyes. Hyunjin laughed at this, a really loud one. He grabbed Jisung’s hand and interlocked it. They continued walking back to their dorm, a few moments of peaceful silence hung in the air before Hyunjin broke it.

“Thank you so much Sungie.”

Chapter Text

Minho was to say the least exhausted. He finally perfected a move he was trying to do for more than an hour now. He could not help but smile triumphantly. Finally, he was able to do the move. It wasn’t that it was hard for him to dance, heck that was his specialty. But sometimes it felt like his specialty wasn’t enough. It felt like he was lagging at dancing too.

He had to learn to rap in the survival show they had for Hellevator after JYP told him it was better that way. Minho was in all honesty not even that good in being a vocalist but he had more experience in that range rather than rapping back then.

Sighing, he left the practice room and quietly made his way down the dark halls. It was around midnight when he had finished. He could not wait to go back to their dorm and take a shower, washing away all the sweat he had. He passed by the studio Changbin and Jisung were usually in and judging from the light peeking from the edges of the door, the two might be in there. He considered entering the room but decided against it. He might actually disturb those two from their work and creative hours.

Minho, finally done with his shower in their dorm, decided to watch tv for a few minutes. It was only half past midnight and he was not really sleepy (the bags under his eyes and the way his eyes would droop said otherwise). In all honesty, Minho’s fine with sleeping back then but every now and then he had nightmares and they were frequently happening for the past week. He tried to sleep yesterday but it only took an hour and a half before he was awoken by his nightmare.

Minho decided to kill some time by watching tv. He slumped at their sofa, grabbing the remote beside him then opened the television who was in a cooking channel. Since he was too lazy to surf the tv, he chose to stay in the cooking show that was being flashed. He was not particularly listening to the show but the soft voice of the chef made him lull to sleep which was not good at all.

The nightmare came crawling back as soon as he was asleep. It was not that brutal like the one he had on the previous night which involved being trapped in a high skyscraper and not finding a way out of it but this nightmare had more impact than that. It was as though his brain was attacking his emotional stability.

Minho was in the practice room again but this time he wasn’t alone. The rest of Stray Kids were there, warming up as though they were preparing to present something. Minho thought that all of them was there but when he counted the members including himself it was only seven. He instantly realized who was missing.

“Hey Minho hyung! Is this movement,” Jeongin made a move using his arms spreading them high as he jump lowly, “correct?”

Minho found out from that move that they were performing School Life. He nodded at the younger who grinned satisfyingly and then hopped towards Hyunjin who was talking to Changbin about something. Minho didn’t have the heart to call Jeongin there to ask where was their missing member when Chan approached.

“Doing alright, Minho?” Chan asked cautiously.

“I’m fine hyung but where’s Jisung?” Minho asked softly.

Chan’s eyes widened when he realized what the younger had asked. He looked at Minho as though he was a madman. The leader sighed, his eyes reflected sorrowfulness and a bit of guilt from the view of the younger. He waited patiently for Chan’s reply.

“You don’t remember, do you? Jisung got eliminated back in episode 4 of our survival show,” Chan whispered carefully, “he messed up his choreography in our Homecoming show and he mixed some lyrics in their song School Life. JYP thought he was not good enough.”

“What?! Wasn’t I the one who’s not good enough?!” Minho yelled.

All eyes were instantly at him.  Changbin looked worried, Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Felix looked surprised, Jeongin looked confused, and Chan was gaping at him.

“I mean…we don’t speak about it but…” Chan muttered, pausing for a few seconds before looking at Minho in a serious manner which made the dancer a bit nervous. “Wait Minho-ah, the survival show’s already over and you know we’re debuting without him, right?”

“Wait...w-what??” Minho stuttered.

Minho looked at Chan as though he grew another head. He glanced at all of the members of Stray Kids and they look devastated. He realized then and there that they were masking all of their emotions a while ago. Minho knew they were as sad as he was and they could hardly accept that Jisung was not with them.

“C-Chan hyung we’re always t-together, right? W-Where’s Jisungie?” Minho mumbled only for Chan to hear.

“He’s not here anymore. He moved to a different company just yesterday,” Chan replied, looking away.

And that was all it took for Minho to full on sob and breakdown in his dream. He never knew that this would happen. He knew the younger was extremely talented and he would never just let someone's words affect him immediately. The dancer did not know what to do with the information he was given. Chan gave him a small pat at the back while Changbin gave him some tissues.

Utterly defeated and unaware that it was all just a dream, Minho’s definitely surprise to feel someone shaking him despite himself crying and slightly shaking. It felt like two hands were grabbing one of his arms. Suddenly the lights were too bright and before he knew it he was awake.

“Hyung!! Minho hyung! It’s okay, it’s alright. You’re here, that was just a nightmare,” a soft voice rang into his ears as he felt someone shaking him strongly and the occasional slapping of hand on his arm.

From his hazy sleepy state, he recognized the voice as Jisung’s and he felt as though a dam of tears were about to fall from his eyes again. And they did. His tears poured out from his eyes as a small whimper escape his mouth. He was glad it was just a dream but it felt so real.

“Shhhh hyung it’s okay. Jisungie is here,” Jisung comforted him, now stroking his arm instead of slapping it.

Minho decided to let Jisung know he was already awake and so he fluttered his eyes slowly. His vision was a bit blurry from the tears that were still escaping his eyes. Jisung was wiping the tear tracks on his face and it made him chuckle a little. He rubbed his eyes slowly as he playfully swatted Jisung’s hands on his cheeks.

“I’m so glad you’re here, Jisung-ah,” Minho mumbled.

“Hyung? Are you alright? How are you? Do you need water? Shall I help you move to your bed? The couch looks a bit uncomfortable to be slept on and um… Do you want to talk about? Oh wait that’s probably rude of me I- um…” Jisung rambled a little before sighing and scratching his hair.

Minho let out a small chuckle at this. “No Jisungie, it’s okay. D-Don’t do anything just…” it was his turn to sigh. “I had a nightmare.”

Jisung sat beside him and nodded at the older in order for him to continue.

“I-It’s about us, um, the team. I was c-counting how many we were in the p-practice room and then I realized y-you weren't there. Chan hyung said you g-got eliminated,” Minho stuttered.

Jisung did not answer immediately. He looked at his hyung with a soft smile and made a move to hug the older. He squeezed Minho tightly for a minute and muttered something to him.

“It’s only a dream hyung. I’m fine. We’ve debuted. We’re all still together.”

Minho wanted to cry again but he forced himself not to. He knew the younger was right but it felt oh so real. He broke off their hug and saw Jisung staring at him. He did not want to seem like a weakling in front of him though so the older tried to smile.

Jisung scowled as a reply to this. “Hyung! You have to believe me that it is all just a dream, alright? It’s not going to happen at all. I won’t leave Stray Kids. No one’s going to be eliminated anymore. We’ve debuted as nine and maybe had some problems along the way but we're still here. The family Chan built is still alive,” he hugged the older again.

Minho whimpered from this action. This was all the reassurance he needed and it was given to him. He was kinda glad Jisung saw him at that state although it was completely embarrassing. Jisung shifted their hug and held his hyung tighter. Minho hugged back at this.

“It’s okay to cry, hyung. It’s okay to feel a little bit emotional and frightened from a nightmare. Now stop keeping those tears at bay while I’m still hugging you!”

Minho chuckled at this as tears began strolling down his face.

“Do you get nightmares often?” Jisung asked the next day as he poured himself a glass of milk, glancing at a disheveled Minho who woke up on the couch alone without his cuddle buddy Jisung.

“Kinda? For the past week yes,” Minho replied, “but when we cuddled there weren’t nightmares anymore.”

Minho went to the fridge and grabbed two eggs to be cooked. He gestured Jisung to move away from the stove so he could cook his breakfast. The younger grinned at him playfully.

“Maybe we should cuddle more often then!”

(Let’s just say Minho spluttered at the comment, an evident blush was on his cheeks and he almost missed cracking the egg outside of the pan twice. “Hyung! Why are you messing the kitchen again?!”)

Chapter Text

Seungmin would be lying if he told anyone he was not anxious for their showcase. It was their very first comeback that year and he did not want to disappoint their fans.

It was morning and the sun had yet to rise. The members of Stray Kids were all busy. They were currently on their way to their schedule. Everyone was getting ready because in an hour, the managers would fetch them.

Swallowing his anxiety, he stood up from his bed and went to the bathroom after seeing Jisung walk out of it. The slightly older smiled at him softly, patting his back before he went to bug Hyunjin who was sitting in their living room, playing with his phone. Sighing, he entered the bathroom trying to pretend (and trying to convince himself) that he was fine. Definitely fine.

Not.

The voices began to whisper to him once he was all alone. He slapped his cheeks three times to pull himself together but it was not working. He decided to just ignore the itch in his head and the whispers of anxiety and doubt in his mind.

Taking his clothes off, he wondered for a moment where did this doubt come from. When did it all start? Switching the shower on, he zoned out from the falling droplets to his skin as a whirlpool of confusion and uncertainty danced in his head. What if he messed up the dance moves he perfected while practicing with the members? What if all of his hard work of sometimes practicing alone in the middle of the night come to rot? What if he forgot his lines all of a sudden? What was he even doing at this point? Why was his mind suddenly complaining about almost everything? What was he doing anyway?

Seungmin shook his head again and decided to shower quicker just to make the voices stop from talking to him. It was a blur after that. His body going auto as he smelled the scent of sakura pestered on his nostrils. His hands found their way to open the shower again (he didn’t even realize he closed it). In a daze, he dried himself and even was already about to wear a shirt when a member yelled his name.

“Seungmin-ah!” Minho called. “I’ll take a bath after you, okay? It would be nice if you do it quickly we have three more men to clean here-”

“Yah! Hyung that’s not funny! I was the first one who took a bath!” Jeongin butted in. “Minho hyung, Chan hyung, and Hyunjin hyung are the only ones who haven’t taken a bath!”

“Yes, yes, I know! I’m done already,” Seungmin yelled back. The voices in his head were suddenly mute from that brief moment and he thought they were gone for good. Or he had hoped they were gone for good.

The younger left the bathroom fully clothed, walking straight to the kitchen to get some breakfast. He saw Chan making something in the pan while Jisung was bouncing up and down beside him. The older had a fond smile on his face as the younger opened his mouth wide.

“It’s really hot, Sungie,” Chan warned.

“Then I’ll blow it first, hyung!” Jisung exclaimed.

Chan chuckled at this as he grab a spoon from the other side. He dipped it down the sauce of whatever he was making ang blew at it. He mouthed the word “Aaah!” as Jisung opened his mouth widely again. He gulped whatever the sauce was and immediately made a sound of delight. He showed a thumbs up to his hyung, smiling. Chan smiled back and told him to go get the other members who haven’t eaten yet.

Jisung skipped his way out of the kitchen, immediately noticing Seungmin’s presence at the hall. The slightly younger stood awkwardly beside Jisung who was grinning from ear to ear.

“Seungminnie! Channie hyung made a delicious dish! You better eat up since it’s a really big day today!” Jisung said excitedly.

Seungmin smiled softly as a reply, opting to not voice out his anxiousness. Knowing how Jisung was a keen observer, he knew he might break at some point but he just hoped it was not now. He was about to leave to get some plates when Jisung pulled him into a hug. The week-older boy squeezed him slightly a choking laugh was heard followed by a squeal (or was that a scream).

Seungmin was pretty shock. The one who shrieked- laughed was in fact him as Jisung tried to carry him. He let go of Seungmin from his tight grip and then patted his shoulders.

“Ha! I made you laugh!” Jisung giggled. With that he left Seungmin alone for a while before Jeongin tackled him on the back.

“Hyung! Breakfast, quickly!”

The ride to the venue of their showcase was quite noisy. Seungmin was in the van along with Jisung, Changbin, and Jeongin along with 2 of their managers. Their manager sat in front, completely out cold and sometimes even snoring. Jisung and Jeongin were messing around with Changbin although Jisung sat at the back beside Seungmin he was still able to play with Jeongin’s beret as the younger tried to snag Changbin’s right airpod. The older was making a noise that’s similar to shrieking but in a more quiet way in order to not wake the slumbering person seated in front.

Seungmin was once again left in a daze, wondering how on earth were the others not that anxious as he was. Okay it was not like it was the first time he was ever performing in front of a crowd along with the members. They had done that dozens of times already Seungmin had lost count. But it was a new Title song, a new album, whole new dance steps, and a lot of new songs in the album.

“-right? Huh, Seungminnie are you alright?”

Seungmin felt someone shaking him. He did not even notice he was looking down and when he looked up he saw Changbin’s worried face and Jisung’s frown. The one who shook him was apparently Jisung and by the looks of it Jeongin was worried to as he made a small squeak from his front. The second to the youngest shook his head and offered a smile to the two older boys.

“I’m fine. I was just thinking about something,” Seungmin replied with a smile, trying to assure the others (or himself too).

Both boys looked unconvinced but none of them pressed questions further and the ride to the showcase continued in silence. It was a little awkward but Seungmin was grateful for the quietness...well until Changbin began snoring which made their maknae snort out loud, trying to hide his giggles. Funnily enough, a few minutes after Jeongin was snoring too. Then suddenly Seungmin felt a hand grabbing his. He looked to his side only to find Jisung staring at their held hands with a pout.

“What’s the matter, Sung?” Seungmin whispered.

The slightly older looked up at him, pout clearly seen now. “I know you’re not alright Minnie. What has been bothering you?” he whispered.

Seungmin for a moment simply stared at Jisung and their intertwined hands back and forth before he sighed and softly chuckled. “It’s nothing really. It’s not a big deal honestly I...I just feel a little nervous, that’s all.”

Jisung scowled at his reply. “If you’re nervous then that’s no nothing.”

The younger laughed humorlessly. “But it’s stupid. Why should I be nervous over something I have been doing for the past months, years! Something I’ve been dreaming of doing over and over again, and it’s something I’m actually doing already and I love it but…”

“You're still get nervous about performing,” Jisung finished his statement.

“Exactly!” Seungmin hissed. “I don’t understand why I feel this way! It’s a bit frustrating, you know.”

“Oh of course I know Seungmin,” Jisung smiled brightly. The younger looked at him, confusion written all over his face.

“It’s normal to feel nervous about something. Anyone can feel anxious over something and that’s okay. I totally understand how you feel because...um, I mean you’re not the only one who gets really anxious during performances. Felix for instance would usually come to me or to Chan hyung or Changbin hyung whenever he gets really nervous before a performance and usually we would talk about random stuffs just to ease his anxiety. How about we try that, huh?”

Seungmin thought about it for a few seconds. If this ever happened again which was likely to occur, then he’d just go to Jisung when he felt like it.

“If you’re uncomfortable talking to me about it, you could go to Channie hyung later,” Jisung said which made Seungmin realize it was already a few minutes since Jisung had asked him.

“Oh no Sungie! I’m fine with talking to you. Just… it’s just that I don’t know what to talk about…” Seungmin replied hastily.

“What do you usually order at the cafe down the street?” Jisung asked.

“Oh I commonly order-”

“Ahhh! I know! I’ll try to guess it! And you have to guess mine!” Jisung whisper-yelled.

Seungmin chuckled at this. “It’s pretty obvious you order their cheesecakes.”

Jisung pouted. “Okay maybe that was a given. Jisungie will guess Seungminnie’s order now!”

Seungmin laughed at this. “So we’re now in third person’s basis? What do you think I usually order?”

Jisung opened his mouth when a particularly loud snore interrupted them. Jeongin, who was asleep beside Changbin, sat up straight, while Changbin was jolted awake from his slumber. Seungmin and Jisung began laughing out loud at the scene that unfolded. Changbin snored pretty loudly that even made himself awake. When Jeongin had realized that he joined the two boys behind them in giggling which prompted to their manager to wake up. Their other manager who was driving, grinned playfully at them. Changbin then realized it was his snoring which made him feel embarrassed and he was currently covering his face with his hands.

“Glad that all of you are awake! We’re here!” their manager exclaimed.

A tingling sensation slowly surfaced back to Seungmin as the members climbed out of the van. Once Seungmin was out as well Jisung grabbed his right hand and squeezed it tightly. The younger looked at their once again intertwined hands. A feeling of ease slowly entered his mind and heart.

“I haven’t answered the cafe thing yet,” Jisung mumbled.

“So what’s your guess?”

Chapter Text

Felix wondered why his mother was calling him in the middle of practice. Video calling him to be exact. Chan just announced their lunch break and everyone was ready to leave the practice room in a minute. Felix frowned as he checked how many times his mother called. Seven times. Well, that’s a lot.

“What’s wrong, Lix?” Changbin asked, slinging his arm to his shoulders.

“Nothing hyung,” the younger replied, he placed his phone back in his pocket. “My mom just called me during practice. I don’t know when to call her back.”

“Well you could call her now on our way there!” Jisung piped up, he cane from behind them, smiling warmly at the two.

“You guys go ahead then. I really think it’s private,” Felix said, swallowing the nervous feeling that slowly crept in him.

“Alrighty! Don’t take too long Lix~!” Jisung exclaimed as all of the members left the practice room, going left to the lobby while Felix went right to the vending machines’ corner.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

The younger Aussie pressed the call button and waited for his mother to pick up. It didn’t take long until she answered. It was video call and it shocked Felix on what he saw of the state of his mother. His mom had tear streaks on his face, eyes red and he’s guess was from constant crying.

“What’s wrong mom?” Felix asked worriedly.

“Oh Felix,” his mom mumbled. “I know you’ve been really busy a-and your schedule has been really tight b-but I really wanted you t-to know except I d-don’t know h-how to break it t-to you b-but…”

There was a long pause and Felix held his breath until his mom responded again.

“Remember K-Keith? Your b-best bud back in your grade school days?”

Felix did not like where this was going. He nodded quickly, not trusting his shaky figure right now. He slumped down a bench he found near the vending machines as he once again wait for his mother to continue.

“K-Keith’s sister called us t-this morning a-and...oh Lixie,” his mother’s voice slowly turned into a whisper and Felix barely heard the next few words, “h-he...he’s not here w-with us anymore.”

It was silent. Felix didn’t know what to say. He could barely hear his mother calling for his name from the ringing of his ears and the static. But he knew he needed to reply to his mother so he swallowed a huge lump and then sighed heavily.

“W-what?” Felix gulped.

“H-He’s gone, Felix. I’m so sorry.”

Felix felt another lump coming from his throat. He tried to swallow it again but it just kept coming back. His childhood friend was...gone?

For a few moments it was silent. His mother’s soft cries were heard from his phone but Felix didn’t move or utter a single word. He was confused, terrified, and numb. He did not know what was happening and what was the news he just heard.

“H-How did it...I-I don’t… how on earth… how did it h-happen m-mom?” Felix asked, wobbly and all of his tears building up but he refused to cry, for now.

“It’s…It was a c-car accident,” his mom whispered.

“Was it a drunk driver?”

“No.”

“A t-truck losing its b-brake?”

“Felix, it’s not those kind of…” his mother said sadly, trailing off as the tears in her eyes falling down on her face.

His son did not reply for a few moments. He did not really want to believe the reason of his friend’s passing but it seemed to be it. The initial shock of the situation gradually sinking in him. A few tears were about stray from his eyes when his mother uttered something he actually did not want to hear.

“Felix? Will you come to his funeral?”

Felix’s mind went blank. Knowing how busy their schedule was and the song recording they needed to do for their next mini album was not helping at all. And then there’s learning more choreographies but that would be until next week (except for this one dance they’re learning today). How was he going to ask their management to let him go to Australia for a few days?

“I don’t know mom,” Felix replied carefully. “I still need to ask our managers about it. But I hope I can go even if it’s just for a day or two.”

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Jisung noticed something was wrong. From the moment Felix came back to the group, he had bloodshot eyes and he looked paler. He glanced at his hyungs who were seated at the far end of the booth they had conquered. Changbin was giving signals to Chan and the leader had nodded wordlessly. He made eye contact with each member, giving them all a knowing look to not ask questions for now. Jisung really wanted to know what’s wrong with Felix but it would not be the right time.

Stray Kids ate their food quieter than usual. Sure there was the constant laughs of Jeongin and Hyunjin and the shrieks of Seungmin and Minho whenever someone did something stupid or the clingy Chan cuddling with some members or Changbin would sometimes joke around but there was something missing. Like the constant screaming of Jisung and his awkward and corny jokes as well as Felix’s soft laughing. It was strange but Jisung knew the other boys were trying to act normal for his younger brother’s sake.

When they went back to their practice room, Felix grabbed Jisung’s arm and gave Chan a look to which Jisung never really saw. He half dragged Jisung to a corner at the end of the hallway. Felix stopped in the area where he received the video call of his mother and made Jisung sit down.

Felix stared at Jisung for a moment, eyes watery. Jisung immediately knew what was about to happen so he hugged Felix before anything was said. The slightly younger cried on his shoulder, soft and silent tears. Jisung gently patted his back whispering sweet words to calm the boy down.

When Felix calmed down a little that was the time Jisung asked in his softest voice. “Felix, what exactly happened?”

“Sungie, I-I don’t know how to explain it,” Felix said suddenly mixing his Korean and English.

“It’s okay, Lix. whenever you’re ready,” Jisung replied in English just to make sure Felix knew it was okay to speak in English in front of him.

“I h-have to tell you r-right now what exactly is happening,” Felix gulped, “because I need your help for it.”

Jisung waited for Felix to fully calm himself, still patting his back and looking at his friend. He was really worried about this, whatever this is. It felt like something really bad had happened.

“One of my friends b-back in Sydney d-died,” Felix suddenly whispered.

It was a quiet one and Jisung barely heard it but he nodded at the younger in order for him to continue.

“I-I want to go to his f-f-f-fune...Jisung I can’t really say it right now I’m sorry but I just really want to see h-him again even if...even if..”

Jisung leaned closer to the Australian and hugged him again. Felix need not to explain further to him what needed to be done. While he was hugging him again Jisung decided to tell him something.

“Felix, I want you to know that it’s okay to grieve. It’s alright to feel sad and all of that but always remember that we’re here to cheer you up eh? It’s not okay to cope up your feelings and I’m very thankful you told me all of this but I don’t think I could honestly help you that much,” the older boy said. They broke off the hug where Jisung had looked at Felix’s face.

“If you’re thinking of telling Chan hyung, I already did,” the younger sniffed. “You, C-Changbin hyung, and Chan hyung are the only ones who know about it right now. Chan hyung is already trying to c-convince our manager to let me be in Sydney even if it’s just for two days a-and Changbin hyung promised me that he’ll tell the m-members once the flight is confirmed and…”

“And you told me because?”

Felix rubbed his hand under his nose, “I wanted s-some comfort and I wanted my best friend to know.”

“I’m so happy you told me about this and more because you’ve decided to tell the others too,” the slightly older smiled sadly. “Now, you’re really not in the shape to continue practicing. What do you say we cuddle back in the dorm while everyone’s still here? I’ll inform Changbin hyung where we went and I’m sure the others will understand.”

Felix was not really into refusing his offer so he only nodded and together they went back to the dorm, hand in hand.

Chan texted Felix a few hours later. Their cuddling session ended with both of them fast asleep on the couch. He heard the ringing of his phone near the table but he didn’t want to wake up Jisung. Thankfully the older was already up so Felix had the chance to grab his phone and answer it.

“Yes hyung?”

“It’s go a signal, Felix. The day after tomorrow’s your flight and after that day you’ll come back here in Seoul immediately. The manager said that he couldn’t squeeze more days so I’m really sorry you’ll only be there overnight,” Chan explained.

“Oh Chan hyung that’s more than enough! Thank you so much!” Felix replied. “I’ll start packing now.”

“I’m sorry for your loss, Lix.”

“I-i yea hyung okay…”

Felix hanged up and went to call Jisung’s name, wondering where did his cuddle buddy go.

“Hold on a second!” Jisung’s voice came from the kitchen. Felix approached the kitchen quietly and peeked at it. He saw Jisung’s back doing something on the counter.

“What are you doing?” Felix asked which made Jisung jump and almost drop the...was that a spatula?

“Felix! You’ve ruined my surprise!” Jisung pouted but was gesturing the younger to come near him. The Australian walked slowly to where Jisung stood and then finally saw what the day older boy was doing.

It was pancakes all stacked together, chocolate syrup dripping from the plate. Felix’s eyes were watering again and he looked back at Jisung who was grinning proudly.

“When did you make this?”

“While you were sleeping,” he replied sheepishly. “I just wanted to cheer you up.” (Felix really wanted to cry then and there. Why was his best friend so sweet? ) “So what did Chan hyung tell you?”

“He gave me the go signal and I leave the day after tomorrow,” he replied. “Are these only mine o-or are we going to share?”

Jisung beamed, “Whichever you want Lixie!”

“Then please it eat with me and help me pack later.”

“Sure thing, sunshine.”

Chapter Text

The first person to notice something was wrong was Chan. It wasn’t really a particular scenario or observation. It was a feeling. As one of the eldest members he would often check on the younger ones and as the leader he would make sure everything was alright.

It was during the time 3RACHA were in his studio, writing lyrics for the beat he had just made. Changbin was furiously writing something on his notebook, he seemed frustrated but it wasn’t that bad, while Chan was searching for the right term for the lyrics he was writing on his computer that was when he felt something. Chan carefully glanced to his side where Jisung was curled up, notebook on his lap, silently writing something on it. It looked like nothing was wrong at first glance but the leader knew Jisung since the boy began his training in JYP.

Underneath the calm exterior the younger was showing, Chan knew he was a bit shaky. If you look a little closer you’d see his eyes were a bit shiny, at the brink of crying. Now that was something they should talk about. He was about to fully turn his chair to Jisung when the younger suddenly looked up and stared right at Chan’s eyes. He shook his head in a very fast and small way and the leader understood what the maknae of 3RACHA wanted to say.

‘Not right now hyung. I’ll tell you when it’s just the two of us.’

Chan had let it go for a while. Perhaps he should not have done that. He would definitely regret it.

The next person to notice was Minho. Their manager was telling them their scheduled The 9th shooting in January where the staff would visit their dorm. Minho was not really paying attention (fully) and was playing with Jisung’s hair. The younger was sitting on the floor while Minho sat on the couch. His head was leaning on his thigh and it looked as though Jisung was about to sleep.

But something felt off.

Sure the two of them would do this often, on or off camera, sometimes it was even vice versa since the two idols do get tired and they would seek comfort to each other or other members. But that night it felt really different to Minho. Jisung was probably dozing off now and the older decided to make sure Jisung would not get a stiff neck so he gently moved Jisung’s neck a little closer to his leg when suddenly the younger slapped his hand. It was not a loud slap or a soft one but it was heard by Felix who sat beside Minho. The Australian glanced at them with a surprised look on his face, giving another questioning look to Minho only. The older could only shrug because he did not know why Jisung would do that.

“I’m sorry hyung,” the younger mumbled and slowly moved away from Minho who promised wordlessly to ask what was wrong with the main rapper.

The older man saw him walk away and entering their bathroom. Maybe he should have followed the younger to the bathroom.

Jeongin did not really notice anything at all but he could feel it. He watched Jisung eat the snack he was holding when suddenly Seungmin hugged him really tight. The maknae never fully understood the situation but he immediately went beside the two Virgo boys hugging them tightly.

“What do you guys want?” Jisung chuckled, his smile never reached his eyes fully.

“Just wanted to hug you, Ji,” Seungmin replied giving him one of his best smiles.

“I just felt like hugging my best hyungs,” Jeongin said with a grin on his face.

Jisung laughed at this. It was not spoken but both maknaes knew Jisung was thanking them for that.

Changbin had noticed when he and Chan were on their way to the dorms. The three producers had just finished their job late at night and they were waiting for Jisung to finish packing and cleaning all of the papers he had thrown away. The smaller watched as Chan doze of a little on his chair, hugging the sweater he was going to wear once they leave the building. He glanced to where Jisung was situated picking up crumbled papers from his notebook. 

Changbin watched the face of the younger intently. He thought it was just his tired eyes playing with him but when he stepped a little closer (and as quietly as he could) he could see it clearly. The youngest of the three was silently crying. Technically he wasn’t crying but there were unshed tears ready to fall from his eyes. Changbin did not hesitate to approach him.

“Jisungie, is everything alright?” Changbin whispered. “Do you need help or…?”

“H-Hyung,” the younger mumbled, dropping all of the pieces of paper he had already collected. “Could you wake Chan hyung up?”

Before Changbin could turn to where Chan was napping, a hand was placed on his shoulder. He nearly jumped and punched whoever it was but he saw the curly blond hair from the corner of his eyes so he lowered his right fist.

“Sungie, baby are you, okay?” Chan asked gently, a hint of sleepiness in his slightly husky voice. He approached the crouched figure of the younger cautiously.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Changbin said slowly, from a distance.

“A-at first I just wanted Channie hyung to know,” Jisung stuttered.

Changbin was about to leave the room hearing those words-

“B-but I think it’s better for Binnie hyung to hear this t-too,” Jisung continued, prompting Changbin to remain squatted near the now hugging Chan and Jisung. He scooched his way to the other two members. 

“I-I don’t know what’s happening to me hyung,” Jisung began, Chan stroked his arm encouraging him to continue. “I feel fine physically b-but...I kinda considered it b-but I don’t want to believe myself a-and hyung, I don’t want to g-go back then…” he was staring at Chan’s other hand now, “b-back when it was worse.”

It was silent for a moment before the leader spoke with a soft hushed tone, “Do you think you need your pills again?”

Changbin gulped at this statement. He knew Jisung had depression and he used to be so dependent on his pills to the point that he and Chan had to stop him sometimes. He hoped he would not go to that extent.

“Maybe hyung.”

Chan nodded slowly. “I think it’s best to go to your psychologist first Sungie.”

Jisung looked down at this and Chan was gently stroking his arm as a sign of reassurance. Changbin patted his shoulder softly as he slowly nodded to his two older brothers.

Hyunjin and Seungmin both had suspicions on what was going on with their roommate. They had noticed the way Jisung (well technically 3RACHA as a whole) had been coming home later than usual and the youngest 3RACHA member had been sleeping longer than his normal routine too. Not only that, but they had also observed that Jisung was slowly drifting away from them. The rapper would continuously deny affection from any of the members and it really made the both of them worried.

Hyunjin was about to leave for school as it was nearing their final exams and he wanted to go to his school extra early to study and maybe practice a little when he heard noises coming from their kitchen. It was currently 5:30 in the morning and normally it was just him who was wide awake. He would sometimes catch Chan awake but the older was about to sleep whenever he did catch him. Hyunjin checked the clock and he thought he still had a bit of time so he decided to check what was the noise in their kitchen.

Walking slowly to the kitchen to peek, a small gasp escaped his lips. He did not know what to do. There sitting on the kitchen floor was Felix helping Jisung stand up. And was that...blood? 

Jisung was curled to Felix making his back face Hyunjin so the eldest of the three could not see the extent of what exactly happened.

“Hyunjinnie, could you help me a bit?” Felix asked, looking at him with wide pleading eyes. “Sungie it’s okay. It’s just Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin could hear the soft pleas of Jisung that he did not want another member to see his... “mess” but Felix really looked like he needed some help, so he went to their side anyway. Hyunjin barely noticed the broken cup near Felix but when he did, he saw some blood dripping at its side. There were only 3 pieces of the broken cup and he decided to put those away first before he would help the nearly September twins. 

Grabbing the three pieces swiftly he spared a glance on his side where Jisung and Felix were and he saw the reason why there was blood on the cup. Jisung’s left hand had a huge cut on his palm and Felix was trying to stop it from bleeding more.

“Should I wake up one of the hyungs?” Hyunjin whispered.

Jisung looked at him with fearful eyes. “No, no, no, no-”

“Yes please, but throw those away first,” Felix replied before paying attention to Jisung again. “Sungie, I need someone to help me here. Hyunjin needs to go to school and Seungmin would be up in a bit along with Jeongin and I don’t think you want Jeongin to see you, right?”

Hyunjin heard a soft “Okay” from Jisung as he threw the pieces of what used to be a cup and immediately ran to Changbin's room. Before Hyunjin could enter or knock someone opened the door. A sleepy Changbin greeted Hyunjin.

“What’s the matter?” Changbin yawned.

Hyunjin was about to reply when Jisung let out a small scream. Changbin suddenly looked wide awake and glanced back at Hyunjin.

“Jinnie, I think you should go to school now. Don’t worry I’ll update to you what’s happening,” the older said calmly. Hyunjin was about to protest but he held a hand up. “I know you’re worried but you still need to go to school.”

Hyunjin sighed again and began his way out of their dorm. Changbin made sure the younger left before glancing back at his room. Felix was not on his bed and definitely not on the floor so the younger must be awake. Jeongin and Minho seemed to still be fast asleep but in a few minutes Jeongin needed to wake up so he gently shut the door and went to the kitchen. Chan probably just fell asleep so Changbin tried to wake himself up more before going to the kitchen.

“Lix, it hurts so much,” Jisung was crying  when Changbin arrived.

“What happened here?” CHangbin asked.

“He broke a cup while he was trying to drink water. He cut his left palm due to that incident,” Felix explained. 

“It w-wasn’t just b-because I wanted to drink w-water,” Jisung stuttered. He looked down at his other hand clenched into a fist. Felix gave him a confused look while still checking if the bleeding had stopped. Changbin immediately understood the situation then.

“I’m waking Chan up.”

“Wait hyung no-!”

But the older rapper was already out of the kitchen then. He quickly made his way to Chan's room knocking furiously before opening the door. He shook Chan’s sleeping figure violently (not caring that he was actually shirtless) which made their leader wake up. He blinked a little before giving Changbin a perplexed look. “It’s about Jisung.”

Immediately Chan stood up from his bed, grabbing a shirt on the corner of his bed he dashed out of his room, making a sharp turn to the kitchen where Felix was finally able to stop the wound from bleeding.

“Sungie, what happened?” the leader immediately asked.

“P-pills, w-water, broke c-cup,” Jisung mumbled.

“He wanted to drink water but he accidentally broke the cup. The cup fell when I asked what he was doing so up in the wee hours of the morning,” Felix elaborated.

Chan and Changbin glanced at each other. Felix never knew about Jisung’s depression which probably startled Jisung when he was about to drink his meds.

“I think the bleeding has stopped,” Chan muttered as he approached the Virgo boys. “Felix you can let go of him now.”

Felix hesitated for a bit but he let go of Jisung who stumbled towards Chan's warmth. The youngest of the four yawned afterwards which prompted the two oldest to let him sleep. Felix did not want to stating he was not tired but his sleepy eyes gave him away which made Changbin help him go back to his room. That left Chan and Jisung alone in the kitchen.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Chan asked quietly.

“I just want to drink it,” Jisung replied, finally opening his clenched fist revealing a small pill.

“Would you feel better then?”

There was a few seconds of silence.

“Maybe.”

“Do you want to sleep afterwards?”

“With cuddles please.”

Chan let out a small chuckle before guiding the younger to their rack of glasses and mugs to make sure he doesn’t break anything else.

“I’ll let you drink first before I disinfect that wound of yours and then we will sleep with cuddles,” the older said sternly but with a hint of softness.

Jisung did not protest and complied with whatever the older wanted.

Jisung did get his cuddles from Chan as both of them slept on the older’s bed and it helped him forget about the way he had been feeling for the past few days. For once he felt at peace in his sleep, not plagued by nightmares or awaken by those nasty voices inside his head. What he did not expect the moment he woke up was Chan gone but someone was still cuddling with him.

He glanced up to see whoever it was and to his surprise it was Minho. The dancer snuggled closer to Jisung to which the younger relaxed at but then he remembered what he had done to the older a few days ago. He squeezed his eyes shut and mustered a small, “Hyung I’m so sorry.” out.

He felt a hand gently stroke his hair but did not dare look up. It helped him relaxed again (he did not even notice he was tensed) and slowly sleepiness was once again about to consume him. Before he fell asleep he heard what Minho replied to his apology.

“Jisungie, it’s fine. I don’t hate you, I understand.”

Jisung once again woke up to someone hugging him in front...as well as someone from behind him. He slowly opened his eyes to check if it was Chan or Minho but to his surprise it was Hyunjin, snoring softly. He glanced to his back and saw Felix, snuggling closer to him. From the corner of his right eye he could see Changbin hugging Felix from behind. Seungmin hugged Hyunjin’s back. He then realized he was not lying on Chan's bed anymore and his head was definitely not lying on a pillow. He glanced up to see Chan sleeping in a sitting position, leaning on his left shoulder was Jeongin while on the right was Minho. Chan’s hand was placed on top of his head which was probably patting it a while ago. He then noticed that he was sleeping on Minho’s lap.

Chan’s hand started to stroke his hair again which startled the younger making him squeak. This created a domino effect of the others stirring from their sleep. Chan chuckled at this making Jeongin sit up and pouted at the leader.

“Jisung!! I want more cuddles!!” Hyunjin exclaimed snuggling closer to Jisung.

“U-um okay,” Jisung mumbled, taken aback from the affection.

“Let’s just continue our cuddle session!” Changbin replied, his head up from the pillows they had placed on their living room’s floor. The grin of the older told him they have been doing this for a while.

“W-Why?”

“Because you need it Sungie, and we’ll gladly give it to you if it’s the support you need right now,” Minho said, playing with the side of his hair Chan was not stroking. 

This made his eyes teary. He was ready to cry honestly.

“I love you guys so much.”