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English
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Part 4 of Sarcasm Prompts
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Published:
2019-01-03
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584
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1/1
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Too Hard to Handle

,

Summary:

73 + Winteriron please ❤ also happy new year!! (sebastiansboobear)

“You couldn’t handle me even if I came with instructions.”

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Work Text:

 

This was a smarter bunch of Doombots than they usually faced. Victor must have been really feeling his wheaties, with this lot. The damn things even had a shielding around their cores that protected them from EMP blasts. What they’d estimated would be a simple half-hour mop-up job was now entering hour four of constant battle. Tony’d had to extract Clint from his position half an hour ago to go restock and reload. He’d be back on the field in the next ten minutes, but in the meantime, they were down a sniper.

There were times when the Hulk was useful and focused. Today wasn’t either of those times. Instead of helping to herd the ‘bots out of the populated area, Hulk had accidentally turned a dozen or more right for a -- thankfully evacuated -- high rise apartment building. And threw a tanker truck at them, which blocked the road.

“Buck,” Steve snapped over the coms, “you’ve got incoming, hot.”

“Pinned in here, Stevie,” Bucky responded, his voice in that cool, reporting the situation sir, voice that always made the hair on the back of Tony’s neck prickle.

Well, hell if they could let their only sniper get locked down. Tony checked the projected paths for the incoming ‘bots and calculated an evasive course that would take him right past Bucky. He laid in the course and flicked on his comms long enough to say, “Don’t fret the spangles off your stars, Cap. I’ve got him.”

Tony dodged around a building, rolled to avoid a missile, and dove into the run where Bucky had taken cover. He reached down and snared Bucky’s harness, hoisting him up and clear of the Doombot fire. “No need to thank me,” he quipped.

Bucky kicked out, struggling reflexively. He yelled in Russian, which Friday was translating -- and apparently editing heavily, because she kept crossing out all the swear words, primly -- along the HUD. “Christ, Stark, give a guy some warning before you drag him off by the hair.” He flicked the grenades that he’d probably been planting in some sort of trap down at the rapidly shrinking doombots.

“Relax, Buckyboo, I’ve got it handled.”

Bucky scoffed. “Please. You couldn’t handle me, even if I came with instructions.” He twisted in Tony’s grip, practically plastering himself against the Iron Man armor, his legs gripping Tony’s thigh. Well, the armor’s thigh. And it wasn’t like Tony could actually feel the heat of the man’s skin. It just seemed that way, right?

Bucky’s complaints stopped long enough to make a shot that even Tony, with his advanced targeting systems, wouldn’t have been able make. The Doombot crumpled to the ground.

Tony’s brain whited out for a second in sheer, unbridled lust. Nothing got Tony’s motor revving faster than cool, deadly competence. “Maybe you should do the handling instead. I’m pretty good at coming with instructions.”

“Did… did you just--” Bucky spluttered like a stalled engine. “Are you hitting on me, while we’re bein’ chased by a dozen Doombots?”

Tony checked behind them. “There’s only eight of them. Don’t be a baby.”

“We get out of this intact, ask me again,” Bucky told him.

“Yeah?” Tony set Bucky down on the next rooftop, then turned to face the Doombots and unloaded the last of his special ammo. They didn’t quite fall like dominoes, but the last one exploded with a very gratifying level of violence. “How’s that?”

Bucky nodded. “I take it back. Think maybe you can handle me any time you want.”

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