Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Shinji walked along the sidewalk, kicking along a pebble the entire way. Eren was trailing behind him, saying something about eating gum under desks probably. Shinji wasn't listening. Suddenly his face collided with the pavement.

"Watch out you shit fuck!" Shinji had tripped over some street performer with a guitar. He strummed it menacingly.

"Don't talk to my brother like that you dirty hippy!" Eren said, and stomped on his foot. The man dropped his guitar in pain. Eren picked it up.

"Don't touch that!" The hippy street performer said, and in an attempt to get it back he tripped over Shinji, who had made no attempt to get back up.

Suddenly Eren began to shred on the guitar, his psychedelic sounds shattering every window on the shops nearby. Shinji stared at Eren, marveling at how sick his guitar skills were. Even Eren, of all people, had skills. He was really trash. Angered, Shinji smacked the guitar out of Eren's hands, and pulled him away from the hellish scene.

"Brother, can we get the frozen treat called cream of ice?"

"No shithead." Eren began to cry. Shinji felt kind of douchey, so to make himself feel better, he gave Eren a old cough drop, which he accepted happily.

"Who taught you how to play guitar anyways?"

"What's a guitar?"

Shinji facepalmed so hard he gave himself a bloody nose. Up ahead he saw a familiar face taping some posters to a shop window. It was Maury! He was nearly covered head to toe in casts from his last encounter with the duo.

"Maury! Maury hey buddy!" Shinji was yelling, running up the sidewalk and dragging Eren along. \

"Oh fuck oh shit oh no," Maury muttered, and tried running away. Unfortunately due to his near body cast it was more of a hobble and he ended up falling flat on his face.

Shinji and Eren caught up to him. "Ayyyyyy Maury good to see you! What's up?"

Maury grumbled something, he was face down on the pavement so it was unintelligible. Shinji looked over at what Maury was taping onto the window. He stepped on top of Maury and ripped the poster off the window.

"Wowie Maury!! Your hosting a battle of the bands?"

Maury whimpered.

"Shit! Grand prize of 100 Grand??" Shinji grinned and looked over at Eren, who was licking the ground. Suddenly Shinji had an idea.

"We should join Eren!"

Eren nodded his enthusiastically.

Maury began shaking and screaming.

"See, Maury thinks so too!"

Steve ran out of the shop, and carefully lifted him into a wheelchair, breaking two more of his bones. Maury's throat was so dry from endless screaming after nightmares, he couldn't express his pain. He looked up at the boys, pure hatred in his eyes. Perhaps this way he could finally pay revenge.

"You really wanna join? What's the point if you're just gonna lose?"

Taken aback, Shinji's jaw dropped. "Are you saying we won't?"

"Not if I'm joining."

Shinji clenched his fists tightly and resisted the urge to knock the wrinkly old motherfucker out.

"You don't even have a band." Steve was trying to console his new beau.

"Me and Maury here have been considering it. You watch out boys. You don't know who you're messing with." He put on his sunglasses. "That 100 Grand is ours." and with that he stood on the back of the wheelchair and lit the pyrotechnics, causing them to blast off down the street at 88 mph.

Shinji turned to Eren, who had taken to shoving the cough drop up his nose. "Hey Eren, ready to start a band?"

"Yeah!"
---------------------------

Shinji looked in the mirror, dissatisfied. How would they win if they didn't even look like the coolest band? He eyed Eren's black eye liner for 10 minutes, until finally picking it up.

And so he worked, at task with darkening his eyes. With a grin, he also noticed a black lipstick. Why did Eren have this anyways? He noted it was bitten into, and was extremely grossed out. Even so, Shinji gave his lips a ebony shine.

"Eren!" Shinji called.

Popping out from the bathroom cabinet, Eren smiled, eating a bar of soap.

"Yes brother?"

Shinji screamed and pissed himself silly. Why the hell were they living together?

"How do I look."

Eren shook his head at Shinji, who looked like 2008 Avril Lavigne.

"Brother, you look like horseshit"

Shinji turned bright red. "Like you could do any better!"

Eren furrowed his brow, and exited the bathroom.

"Oh I hope I didn't make him cry again."

But Eren came back with a shit load of cosmetics in his arms, which he laid out on the table.

"First of all," Eren said, grabbing the black lipstick Shinji was using and taking another bite of it, "This is my edible makeup."

"Oh, so it's not actually make up?" Shinji asked.

"No it is, I just buy separate stuff to eat and to use. You think I'm some kind of savage?" He shoved the rest of the lipstick in his mouth.

Shinji was disgusted. Eren, being much larger than Shinji, lifted him onto the counter and wiped off his make up. "Alright Sharon, close your eyes."

Over an hour later, and Eren was done with Shinji. He turned to admire himself in the mirror. His ears were pierced all the way down, and he found himself looking like a scissor sister, complete with all black makeup, purple lipstick, and a huge blonde wig.

"Oh my god," Shinji gasped. "I'm hot."

Eren patted his shoulder. "You are, brother."

Shinji rubbed his chin, he had a hot look and voice, a guitarist, all he needed was a drummer and keyboardist.

"Eren, grab me my phone."

Eren proceeded to grab the iPhone and swallow it whole, to Shinji's horror.

"EREN."

"Yes?"

--------------------------------------

The duo then had to wait till Eren shit the phone out, in much pain. Finally, Shinji was able to go through his list of contacts, in search of band members. Settled on Kaworu, he dialed his best best bro friend up.

"Salmonella..Sal..Salmonella."

"..Kaworu?"

A loud crashing sound was heard, and then barfing noises. Shinji considered hanging up.

"Shinji? how's the mothaland been brah?"

"Kaworu, I need you to join my band."

"Would it, would it bring-" The sound of relief hit Shinji's ears, and the plop of something hitting water. What the fuck.

"Holy shit! Dude I'm gonna have to call you back" and then Kaworu hung up.

"What did he say?" Eren asked. He was slathering his face in peanut butter.

"Uhh... Maybe. And what the fuck are you doing."

Eren admired himself in the mirror. "My beauty regimen."

Oh, Shinji thought. That's why his face is so soft.

"Do you know anyone else we could call?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah!" Eren grabbed the phone and once again shoved it down his throat.

"EREN WHAT THE FUCK KNOCK IT OFF!"

Then Eren punched himself in the stomach and opened his mouth. A dial tone sound emerged from is throat.

Shinji looked disgusted. "What the fuck.. Is this the only way he knows how to make calls"

Suddenly a voice picked up the phone, the sound coming from Erens open mouth.

"Eren why the fuck are you calling me again I told you I don't do that shit anymore I'm clean I'M CLEAN." and then sniffing noises.

Shinji wasn't sure how to reply, through his mouth? He placed his mouth near Eren's and reluctantly spoke into it.

"Uh yeah... Who is this?"

"It's Stuart fucking Little you prick! Who else?" More sniffing noises.

Did this guy know who he even was?

"Yeah, well I'm Shinji Ikari."

"Yeah well who the fuck are you."

Eren began bleeding through his nose, and laughed. Shinji should make this call fast.

"Listen dude, we're forming a band and we need a wicked keyboardist."

The sound of smacking lips filled the room. "Well, I can play a mean recorder."

Excited, Shinji opened his mouth, ready to invite Stuart over.

"BUT. What the fuck do I get for helping you nose shitters?"

"Well..." Shinji started. Erens nose was REALLY starting to bleed, trickling into his mouth. Shinji needed a guitarist and he wasn't about to let Eren drown in his own blood.

"What do you want?"

"I'd like a fucking pie that's what I'd like. God knows this pissworthy family can't make a decent one."

"You just want... A pie?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah, a fucking pie. And also, 46 pounds of cocaine." More sniffing noises. "Looks like I'm all out"

"Okay okay I'll get you those things. Show up at me and Erens house tonight at 7 for practice."

"Aight, you fucking slags better have my pie." And Stuart hung up.

Eren spit out his blood. Shinji smiled to himself. "Can't wait to kick Maury and Steve's ass. I wonder who else they have in their band.."

Chapter Text

"Alright, let's start from the top boys! And a 1, 2, 3, 4!"

Maury licked his lips, and sang deeply and sweetly into the mic.

"Ma-ia-hii Ma-ia-huu Ma-ia-hoo Ma-ia-hah"

Steve pounded on his drums, closed eyes concentrating on the epic beat.

"Hello, Salut, it's me, your duke And I made something that's real to show you how i feel."

Danny Tanner shook his maracas and hips along to the beat.

"hello, hello, it's me Picasso I will paint, my words of love with your name on every wall."

Gendo shredded on his electric guitar, sweat beading on his wrinkled forehead.

"When you leave my colors fade to grey ooh a ooh a hey ooh a ooh a ooh a hey, every word of love i used to say and now i paint it every day."
--------------

Shinji was sitting in the bushes with binoculars again, spying on Maury's band Kentucky Fried Sadness.

"Father!?" He whimpered.

Eren was head banging.

"Stop that!!" Shinji said.

"They're good!" Eren said, furrowing his brow.

"We need to be better." Shinji said.

Shinji and Eren entered their garage to greet the rest of their band. What they saw was disappointing.

Kaworu was slumped over in a chair, passed out, with a beer bottle in one hand and a play girl in the other, drool pouring out of his mouth. Stuart was in the corner picking at his skin muttering to himself about the demons he sees in his sleep. He had snorted 45 pounds of cocaine alread.

Eren dropped to the floor and began spinning in circles to entertain himself. Shinji took a good look at the hot mess that surrounded him.

"Fuck." He muttered. He was honestly surprised Kaworu showed up, which sparked hope in his heart.

"Eren, get me the taser." Eren stopped his spiritual trance, and grabbed the weapon. Shinji cleared his throat, and then stood straight.

"Alright, listen up you smoked salmons. Whoever doesn't, is about to be fucking fried."

For effect, Shinji clicked the button, but nothing came out. Stunned, he pressed it multiple more times, then looked at Eren.

"Eren, did you eat the batteries again?"

What Shinji did not know was that the taser had a couple sparks left, and shocked him straight in the neck. Kaworu jolted awake and stood up in an attempt to see if Shinji was okay, but collapsed in his drunken haze. Eren grabbed the taser from Shinji's still convulsing body.

"Cool!" He said, and shocked his own neck with the last remaining spark.

Now 3/4 band members were knocked out. Stuart ran inside the house and stole all of Eren and Shinji's valuables.

"Fucking pieces of shit didn't even make me a pie."
-----------------------------------------------------

Shinji awoke to Eren cuddled next to him, crumbs being thrown at his face, and Kaworu inside his fridge. Stuart was perched above the duo, eating delicious Ritz crackers.

"Look who decided to wake the fuck up, slag."

Shinji shot straight up, horrified at what could have conspired while he was out. But pain induced him, and he fell back.

Stuart jumped down on Shinji, and took an aggressive bite of his cracker. "Listen here, bitchcake. You didn't tell me 100 grand was the fucking prize."

"You wanted a fucking pie, I didn't think it was important."

Stuart slapped Shinji across the face. "Shitloaf, of course I want some money. You want this band to work? Give me a portion of the winnings."

Shinji briefly considered strangling the rodent, but hey, he needed all the help he could get. "Deal."

Kaworu looked at Shinji, his face full of week old fried chicken. "Oi mate, did you know I can play the fukin shit outta the drums? And Stuart can play the recorder like an animal-" Stuart shot him a look.

Kaworu shrugged. "Sorry mate. Erens a beast on the guitar. I just noticed sumthin- we ain't ever heard you sing."

"Yeah, shitface."

Eren grabbed Shinji's face and squeezed his cheeks together. "Look at my brother, look at this face. This is a face made for being famous. Of course he can sing!"

Eren brought his mouth right next to Shinji's ear and breathed out heavily in an attempt to whisper. "You can sing right?" It was more of a yell.

Shinji screamed and scooted away quickly, rubbing his ear as some of erens spit had drifted inside. "GAH- of course I can!! Why else would we be called Shinji and the Screamers?"

Eren slammed his fist into his palm. "Then it's settled! Let's win this! Together!"

Everyone put their hands (and paw) on top of another, and smiled. "Together!" they cheered.

Kaworu farted.

The band set up, and readied themselves for their first practice.

"What's gonna be our first song?" Eren asked. Shinji thought, he really needed something he could put a lot of emotion into. He got it. He told the band, who nodded in agreement.

"Kaworu, start the beat." Shinji took a deep breath, and began.

"I'm tired of being what you want me to be Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface

Don't know what you're expecting of me Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes."

Eren sang the back up verse. "Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow"

"Every step that I take is another mistake to you"

"Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow"

Shinji stood panting, sweat dripping down his face after his rendition of the only song on he listens to on his tape recorder.

He dropped the mic and walked inside the house to cool down. The rest of the band mates looked at each other. Kaworu rested his hands on his face Gendo style.

"That was better than month old cough drops." Eren said, referring to Shinji's singing. He wiped a tear from his eye. Stuart's mouth dropped open.

"I had no idea he could sing like such an angel." Kaworu said. He took a swig of beer.

Stuart face palmed. "Are you guys fucking DEAF? He sounds like fucking horseshit being shoved down a malfunctioning garbage disposal."

Kaworu attempted to punch Stuart, but tripped and shit himself silly. Eren plucked at his guitar, and began humming. As if knowing, Stuart and Kaworu prepared themselves for the beat.

"Mr Krabs is unfair"

Stuart began blowing out the epic tune.

"Mr Krabs is in there"

Eren pointed at the ceiling, before jumping up and shredding some sick sounds.

"Standing in the concession"

Kaworu used his head to pound at the drums, before spitting up. Eren looked up, and with final strums, sung his last line.

"Plotting his oppression"

Shinji stood in the house listening in horror at their band. Besides Eren who was a guitar prodigy, their band sounded terrible. But what could he expect. They had a drunk on the drums, (who Shinji would admit was carrying the band based solely on his boyish good looks), and a fucking rodent play a recorder that was 5x bigger than he was. Shinji knew his singing was bad but that's why he did screamo covers of everything.

"Those plebs just don't understand emo culture," Shinji said under his breath. He picked the phone off the hook and began to dial.

"Our band needs serious help if were going to beat Kentucky Fried Sadness," Shinji said aloud.

"And I know just the guy..." He smiled as someone finally answered. "Yes, is this Dwayne? Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson?"

After a couple minutes of conversating, complimenting Dwayne's performance in Tooth Fairy, explaining Shinji's shitty situation, a knock was heard on the door.

"Stuart, can you get it?" Shinji called.

"Um yeah lemme just attempt to hold on to the motherfucking knob itself. Jesus fuck Shinji I'm 5 inches taller than your dick, how the hell am I going to answer the damn door?"

By the time his rant was over, Kaworu had accomplished opening the door, and there stood a buff, tan, and attractive man.

"Piss on me," Kaworu whispered, before spitting up on himself.

"Alright I heard you all are in need of some assistance with your band. My name's Dwayne.. Dwayne THE ROCK-" he flexed, causing Kaworu to turn to figurative Jelly. "-JOHNSON."

He clasped his hands together and looked sympathetic to the ragtag group. "Now, when is the Battle of the Bands, one week? Is that correct?" The group nodded.

"Alright. Then for one week. I am not your friend. I'm your coach. Now I'm gonna whip you guys into shape!"

"How's working out gonna help us with anything-" Stuart whispered out of the corner of his mouth.

"I HEARD THAT!" Dwayne said, and pointed a large finger at the mouse. Stuart shit himself.

"Now, y'all need to trust me. I brought along some of my favorite jams for you guys-" he whipped out his Marina & the Diamonds CD.

"Let's do this."

Chapter Text

And so, the group began an excrutiating week of hard, physical, endurance.
Kaworu was lifting weights, Stuart was on the tredmill, Shinji did 2 push ups, and then there was Eren.
Dwyane looked off to side, and then down at the boy.

"Eren, why are you not training?" Dwyane tapped his foot, a ticking time bomb of patience.

Eren continued playing with legos, building a wall. He had Shinji's underwear on his head, and smelled of tuna sandwich.

Dwyane sighed, and got down on one knee. "Eren, look at me. This is a group effort, and we're gonna need everyone's 100% to make this band work. Are you in, or are you out?"

Eren looked at Dwyane, and leaned closer, licking his ear.

A week passed and the whole group had made significant process. As a band they still sucked, but damn did they look good.

"I still don't get how this helped us with our instruments." Stuart said.

"Oh, nobody cares about the music anymore you guys," Dwayne chuckled. "You're hot now! Chicks will love you!"

Kaworu looked dissapointed, but then Dwayne winked at him and everything felt right in the world.

"And I've never played an instrument in my life. I'm a wrestler! What the fuck. Anyways. Good luck!" and then Dwayne left.

"Good job fucknut, couldn't call someone who maybe, I don't know, played a fucking instrument?" Stuart said to Shinji, and attempted to kick him.

Shinji punted him against the wall.

"Guess were just gonna have to do this with our RAW TALENT."

Everyone sighed very loudly, except Eren, who was eating playdough.

Then the band attempted to practice. Soon, the day of judgement was only a week away.

Kaworu and Stuart were smoking weed, and playing Jenga. Eren was in a trashbag filled with vaseline, pretending to be a fetus. Shinji was angered.

"Guys! We still haven't decided on a song! What the fuck, I thought we were in this together."

Kaworu tilted his head back, a hoarse laugh escaping his lips.

"We ARE in THIS," he waved his arms around,"together Shinji-kun. Get it cause we're in a, we're in a house. Heh."

Him and Stuart both paused, before erupting with laughter.

"Holy piss I get that shit, I get that shit man!"

Shinji punted Stuart again. "The competition is at 7. If we leave now we can make it in time. Eren, get out of that garbage bag you're going to suffocate and then we won't have a guitar player anymore."

"No!" Erens muffled voice said. "I have to be given birth to!!"

"Oi mate.. Is that how babies are really made..? That's right fucked" Kaworu said, stoned off his ass. "Ya think me and Dwayne woulda had attractive kids?"

Shinji rolled his eyes and lifted Eren, still in the garbage bag, and threw him in the trunk of his car.

"Let's go."

Kaworu, as team mom, drove them in the best of his ability to the park, where Battle of The Bands was taking place.

Shinji would have been excited, if it wasn't for the fact two of his members were high, one was covered in vaseline, and they still didn't have a song.

They got their instruments out of the minivan, and began setting up. Kentucky Fried Sadness was finishing up their song, and Shinji sighed as the crowd begged for an encore. Maybe they should go home.

The ragtag band made their way backstage, all except for Shinji, who pushed his way to the front of the crowd to get a better look at his father.

Gendo grabbed the mic, as he was both guitarist and lead singer. "ALLLLLLRIGHT SAN FRANCISCO! Now that our warm up is over, Are you READY TO ROCK???"

Warm up? The crowd was this worked up over a warm up? Shinji thought to himself. Fuck.

Suddenly Gendo noticed Shinji.

"Son!" He yelled. "What're you doing here you piece of shit?"

"I'm uhh.." The entire crowd went silent and awaited his response.

Shinji pulled his collar and gulped. "Well I um. I'm one of the bands going against you guys tonight."

Gendo laughed heartily, causing the entire crowd to explode in laughter.

"Son, you're like... Well you're like a defective Eva. You try to defeat the angels but really you just screwing everything up and truly amount to nothing in the long run."

The crowd ooh'd.

"Dad.... You know I don't understand robot metaphors."

Gendo nodded. "Then I'll just have to show you what I mean... With the POWER OF ROCK!!"

And with that, Kentucky Fried Sadness began playing with such intensity Shinji's socks came off. The crowd loved it. There were lasers, confetti, and Maury was a hit with the ladies.

Shinji clenched his fists and went backstage, and punted Stuart again in frustration as his dad's band killed it on stage. Kaworu rested a hand on Shinji's shoulder.

"Alright mate I know your upset but the good news is, just like a dingo eating a newborn baby, it'll all be over in about 3 minutes. We're up next."

Shinji and The Screamers stepped on stage, Eren's Sketchers lighting up with every step. The crowd readied themselves for some hardcore tomato throwing.

Ikari Jr. took out his inhaler, and got a deep breath. He could do this. He was going to prove Father wrong. And everyone here wrong. He looked into his heart, and a spark of inspiration inflamed within him.

Shinji grabbed the mic fiercely, and the band took stance. Stuart took to playing the keyboard as well.

"The winner takes all, it's the thrill of one more kill.

The last one to fall

Will never sacrifice their will."

The audience's jaws dropped. Gendo narrowed his eyes.

As Shinji stepped forward to belt out the all too familiar chorus, he tripped over the microphone cord and knocked himself out. He lay on the ground motionless.

Quickly, and almost out of nowhere, Dwayne THE ROCK Johnson jumped onto stage and grabbed the mic.

"Don't ever look back

On the world closing in

Be on the attack

With your wings on the wind

The games will begin~"

Dwayne's sweet, powerful voice rippled throughout the park.The audience swayed along, lighters in hand.

Kaworu pounded the drums on beat, sweat dripping off his nose and bouncing onto the floor. Stuart played the keyboard like a god, surrendering himself to the music. And Eren shredded like he never had before, dropping to his knees.

"AND ITS SWEET, SWEET, SWEET VICTORY, YEAH"

Gendo's heart gave out, he couldn't believe the beautiful display that was taking place in front of him.

Though his spot was taken, Shinji was psyched the crowd was rocking on. He got up, and danced to the sweet jams. Swinging his arm back, he jumped down the stage, hoping he would crowdsurf.

Instead, the crowd backed away, and Shinji not only broke both legs, but was being trampled on as the crowd recircled.

Kaworu quickly stopped drumming to save his beau.

"What are you doing you Australian fuck?" Stuart mouthed, but Kaworu was gone, leaping off the stage, hoping the crowd would move so he could pull Shinji out. Except this time the crowd didn't move, and actually held Kaworu up, passing him from person to person, which he found enjoyable.

Dwayne, Stuart, and Eren finished the song and the audience went wild. The green-eyed boy attempted to smash his guitar but his hands were slippery from the Vaseline still and the guitar slid from his hands and knocked an audience member out.

Dwayne was gone again, seemingly disappearing into thin air.

Then the announcer came onto stage.

"Alright alright crowd, calm down. I'm going to need the top 2 bands of the night to come on stage so we can determine a winner. Can I please have...... KENTUCKY FRIED SADNESS take the stage?"

The crowd cheered.

"And for the other band... Can I please have..... SHINJI AND THE SCREAMERS take the stage?!" More cheers, but louder. Shinji peeled himself from the ground.

Kaworu was thrown into the air, landing on stage perfectly on his feet. Shinji limped on stage, smiling with teeth missing and a black eye. Eren was about to start crying, why was everyone screaming?

The announcer, Dwayne himself, opened a card, and before looking, asked the crowd for a drumroll. A very half assed drumroll from the crowd later, Dwayne prepared the revealment of the winner.

"And the winner, of this year's Battle of the Bands, is Shinji and The Screamers!!"

Steve broke down. Gendo threw his glasses onto the pavement and angrily smashed them, then regenerated another pair to smash them again.

Shinji fell to his knees. Finally, all his hard work and frustrations was about to paid off, literally. He picked himself and grabbed the envelope Dwayne was holding.

Sweat beaded on his forehead as his clammy hands ripped the manilla envelope open, awaiting the sight of green.

What he got was red. A 100 Grand chocolate bar.