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Battle of the Bands

Summary:

Shinji and Eren are to battle against Gendo's alternative punkrock band, "Kentucky Fried Sadness". Together, with Kaworu and Stuart Little, they form "Shinji and the Screamers". Can they win the 100 Grand prize? Or will friendships be lost?

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter Text

Shinji walked along the sidewalk, kicking along a pebble the entire way. Eren was trailing behind him, saying something about eating gum under desks probably. Shinji wasn't listening. Suddenly his face collided with the pavement.

"Watch out you shit fuck!" Shinji had tripped over some street performer with a guitar. He strummed it menacingly.

"Don't talk to my brother like that you dirty hippy!" Eren said, and stomped on his foot. The man dropped his guitar in pain. Eren picked it up.

"Don't touch that!" The hippy street performer said, and in an attempt to get it back he tripped over Shinji, who had made no attempt to get back up.

Suddenly Eren began to shred on the guitar, his psychedelic sounds shattering every window on the shops nearby. Shinji stared at Eren, marveling at how sick his guitar skills were. Even Eren, of all people, had skills. He was really trash. Angered, Shinji smacked the guitar out of Eren's hands, and pulled him away from the hellish scene.

"Brother, can we get the frozen treat called cream of ice?"

"No shithead." Eren began to cry. Shinji felt kind of douchey, so to make himself feel better, he gave Eren a old cough drop, which he accepted happily.

"Who taught you how to play guitar anyways?"

"What's a guitar?"

Shinji facepalmed so hard he gave himself a bloody nose. Up ahead he saw a familiar face taping some posters to a shop window. It was Maury! He was nearly covered head to toe in casts from his last encounter with the duo.

"Maury! Maury hey buddy!" Shinji was yelling, running up the sidewalk and dragging Eren along. \

"Oh fuck oh shit oh no," Maury muttered, and tried running away. Unfortunately due to his near body cast it was more of a hobble and he ended up falling flat on his face.

Shinji and Eren caught up to him. "Ayyyyyy Maury good to see you! What's up?"

Maury grumbled something, he was face down on the pavement so it was unintelligible. Shinji looked over at what Maury was taping onto the window. He stepped on top of Maury and ripped the poster off the window.

"Wowie Maury!! Your hosting a battle of the bands?"

Maury whimpered.

"Shit! Grand prize of 100 Grand??" Shinji grinned and looked over at Eren, who was licking the ground. Suddenly Shinji had an idea.

"We should join Eren!"

Eren nodded his enthusiastically.

Maury began shaking and screaming.

"See, Maury thinks so too!"

Steve ran out of the shop, and carefully lifted him into a wheelchair, breaking two more of his bones. Maury's throat was so dry from endless screaming after nightmares, he couldn't express his pain. He looked up at the boys, pure hatred in his eyes. Perhaps this way he could finally pay revenge.

"You really wanna join? What's the point if you're just gonna lose?"

Taken aback, Shinji's jaw dropped. "Are you saying we won't?"

"Not if I'm joining."

Shinji clenched his fists tightly and resisted the urge to knock the wrinkly old motherfucker out.

"You don't even have a band." Steve was trying to console his new beau.

"Me and Maury here have been considering it. You watch out boys. You don't know who you're messing with." He put on his sunglasses. "That 100 Grand is ours." and with that he stood on the back of the wheelchair and lit the pyrotechnics, causing them to blast off down the street at 88 mph.

Shinji turned to Eren, who had taken to shoving the cough drop up his nose. "Hey Eren, ready to start a band?"

"Yeah!"
---------------------------

Shinji looked in the mirror, dissatisfied. How would they win if they didn't even look like the coolest band? He eyed Eren's black eye liner for 10 minutes, until finally picking it up.

And so he worked, at task with darkening his eyes. With a grin, he also noticed a black lipstick. Why did Eren have this anyways? He noted it was bitten into, and was extremely grossed out. Even so, Shinji gave his lips a ebony shine.

"Eren!" Shinji called.

Popping out from the bathroom cabinet, Eren smiled, eating a bar of soap.

"Yes brother?"

Shinji screamed and pissed himself silly. Why the hell were they living together?

"How do I look."

Eren shook his head at Shinji, who looked like 2008 Avril Lavigne.

"Brother, you look like horseshit"

Shinji turned bright red. "Like you could do any better!"

Eren furrowed his brow, and exited the bathroom.

"Oh I hope I didn't make him cry again."

But Eren came back with a shit load of cosmetics in his arms, which he laid out on the table.

"First of all," Eren said, grabbing the black lipstick Shinji was using and taking another bite of it, "This is my edible makeup."

"Oh, so it's not actually make up?" Shinji asked.

"No it is, I just buy separate stuff to eat and to use. You think I'm some kind of savage?" He shoved the rest of the lipstick in his mouth.

Shinji was disgusted. Eren, being much larger than Shinji, lifted him onto the counter and wiped off his make up. "Alright Sharon, close your eyes."

Over an hour later, and Eren was done with Shinji. He turned to admire himself in the mirror. His ears were pierced all the way down, and he found himself looking like a scissor sister, complete with all black makeup, purple lipstick, and a huge blonde wig.

"Oh my god," Shinji gasped. "I'm hot."

Eren patted his shoulder. "You are, brother."

Shinji rubbed his chin, he had a hot look and voice, a guitarist, all he needed was a drummer and keyboardist.

"Eren, grab me my phone."

Eren proceeded to grab the iPhone and swallow it whole, to Shinji's horror.

"EREN."

"Yes?"

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The duo then had to wait till Eren shit the phone out, in much pain. Finally, Shinji was able to go through his list of contacts, in search of band members. Settled on Kaworu, he dialed his best best bro friend up.

"Salmonella..Sal..Salmonella."

"..Kaworu?"

A loud crashing sound was heard, and then barfing noises. Shinji considered hanging up.

"Shinji? how's the mothaland been brah?"

"Kaworu, I need you to join my band."

"Would it, would it bring-" The sound of relief hit Shinji's ears, and the plop of something hitting water. What the fuck.

"Holy shit! Dude I'm gonna have to call you back" and then Kaworu hung up.

"What did he say?" Eren asked. He was slathering his face in peanut butter.

"Uhh... Maybe. And what the fuck are you doing."

Eren admired himself in the mirror. "My beauty regimen."

Oh, Shinji thought. That's why his face is so soft.

"Do you know anyone else we could call?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah!" Eren grabbed the phone and once again shoved it down his throat.

"EREN WHAT THE FUCK KNOCK IT OFF!"

Then Eren punched himself in the stomach and opened his mouth. A dial tone sound emerged from is throat.

Shinji looked disgusted. "What the fuck.. Is this the only way he knows how to make calls"

Suddenly a voice picked up the phone, the sound coming from Erens open mouth.

"Eren why the fuck are you calling me again I told you I don't do that shit anymore I'm clean I'M CLEAN." and then sniffing noises.

Shinji wasn't sure how to reply, through his mouth? He placed his mouth near Eren's and reluctantly spoke into it.

"Uh yeah... Who is this?"

"It's Stuart fucking Little you prick! Who else?" More sniffing noises.

Did this guy know who he even was?

"Yeah, well I'm Shinji Ikari."

"Yeah well who the fuck are you."

Eren began bleeding through his nose, and laughed. Shinji should make this call fast.

"Listen dude, we're forming a band and we need a wicked keyboardist."

The sound of smacking lips filled the room. "Well, I can play a mean recorder."

Excited, Shinji opened his mouth, ready to invite Stuart over.

"BUT. What the fuck do I get for helping you nose shitters?"

"Well..." Shinji started. Erens nose was REALLY starting to bleed, trickling into his mouth. Shinji needed a guitarist and he wasn't about to let Eren drown in his own blood.

"What do you want?"

"I'd like a fucking pie that's what I'd like. God knows this pissworthy family can't make a decent one."

"You just want... A pie?" Shinji asked.

"Yeah, a fucking pie. And also, 46 pounds of cocaine." More sniffing noises. "Looks like I'm all out"

"Okay okay I'll get you those things. Show up at me and Erens house tonight at 7 for practice."

"Aight, you fucking slags better have my pie." And Stuart hung up.

Eren spit out his blood. Shinji smiled to himself. "Can't wait to kick Maury and Steve's ass. I wonder who else they have in their band.."