Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It wasn't supposed to be like this. It should have not, really.

"Sir, here are the reports on our current project." He handed me a bunch of papers that I dread to look at. He sounded so polite, so collected, so unfamiliar. "It seems that the finance department is having a problem with our new partner. It looks like they have yet to agree on a budget and is running out of time since the advertising committee is pressuring-"

"How are you, Jaebum?"

"As I was saying, sir, the budget has not yet been allocated for-"

"I asked, how you're doing not how the business is doing." I can't keep the irritation out of my voice and the frown that's forming between my eyes.

"Well, I have been fine sir. And sorry if this offends you, but it would be finer if you stop interrupting me so that I can attend to the other things that needs to be done and act like how a good secretary should." He sounded annoyed. His words are cold and dismissive, as if he can't wait to leave the room and my presence. Breathing became hard and there's a lump forming at my throat. I can't believe we're at this state. It wasn't supposed to be like this. There wasn't supposed to be an ocean between us. It was supposed to be familiarity and fondness and warmth. He was supposed to be my best friend.

I sighed. This is a losing battle, especially when he puts on that determined look. A look that I have seen a lot of times already. "Ok, go on. Continue what you must, I'll just sit here quietly and listen."

"As I have said, the money we need for the project that is..."

My mind started to wander off, giving more attention to the man in front of me than to what he is spouting on about. I noticed that he is wearing new glasses today. I assume it's just the frame he replaced, I hope not the lenses since his eyes are already at a really bad state when we were in college. Upgrading new lenses would mean his eyesight got worse than before. I also noticed that he's sporting a new haircut. I liked the old one better, it had been past his ears and looked really soft. I had once dreamt of running my fingers through them, feeling the curls and smelling his shampoo. His hair right now is short and looked really rough, still it suits him. Everything suits him. And oh, his shoes are new too. I remembered how he used to borrow my shoes whenever we go to formal events. Like during that one time in college when my dad threw a birthday party for me and decided to invite all the prominent figures in the business world, he came to me looking all high and mighty wearing sneakers with his rented suit. I threw my pair of Saint Laurent's at him, urging him to change before my father sees him and throws him out of the room. It's not about me. This is your birthday and the only thing you should be thinking right now is how we can get away from here and all these boring old rich filth. You should spend your birthday for yourself, not for your dad or for anyone else. I remember bribing one of our body guards to smuggle us out of the party. We spent the night just sitting by the playground we first had ice cream together. I can still see the stars that painted the dark sky that night; I can still feel the cold breeze that made me shiver since in our haste, we forgot to bring our coats; I can still hear the cicadas cry and make a comfortable background noise to our midnight rendezvous when I close my eyes. It wasn't necessarily a loud and festive way to spend a birthday. We just laid down, shoulders and hips touching, by the sandbox I used to hog when we were 5 and stared at the vast nothingness above. We talked and exchanged fond memories of our childhood. We spent the whole night reminiscing how easy it was before, how carefree we were, how naive we have been. It was also that night that we made a promise. A promise to never let anything come between us, that no matter what happens, we will still have the other in our lives, in any way we could be.

"And that is all, Mr. President." I snapped out of my daze. I hadn't paid any attention to what he said but I hurt. I hurt all over. How did we end up like this? Where did our promise go? Where did the us go?

"Ok. I'll see what I can do regarding this manner. Please schedule me a meeting with the other company's president." The silence that follows is deafening. I can see that he's waiting for me to dismiss him. And I can't. I can't dismiss him. It's only times like this that I get to talk to him, these short moments where I long before him.

"Is there anything else you want me to do, sir?" Stay. I want to yell at him. I am so pathetic.

"Can we go to lunch together? There's a new Italian restaurant that opened nearby and I've been wanting to check it out. Will you go with me?" Please say yes.

"I'm afraid I cannot, sir. What do you want? I'll go and place an order for you. I'll be sure that it'll be delivered by lunch." I deflated. There really is no hope. Why do I even bother? Oh yes, because I, I lo- "No, just forget it. Just bring me coffee. You may go now."

"Then, I'll be leaving now, Mr. President." I hate it when he calls me that. It's like he's deliberately making the wall between us harder, taller, and indestructible. A wall that should have never been there in the first place. It was too late when I remembered I forgot to tell him how I liked my coffee. He has already turned around and left with no remorse while I still sat, willing myself not to spill the liquid that's pooling in my eyes.

An hour later, when I came back into my office after the long and excruciating talk with the other company's president, I found an iced venti light water americano with a shot of whole milk on my desk. The dam broke and the tears that I've kept at bay trickled down my face. Oh yes, it's because I love him.

*

It can't be helped. I am the CEO of this empire and I can't let all the hard work invested into this go to waste just because I'm not in the mood to attend a business conference. Even though the event is situated across the other side of the globe and my assistant for foreign affairs got terribly sick, I said, it cannot be helped. That's why I'm here in my hotel room feeling all jittery since Jaebum is in the room across from mine, it wasn't anyone's fault that he had to cover for my assistant's absence. It's all professional, except that my heart is beating a million miles a minute and my lungs refuse to work properly, rendering me breathless ever since I sat beside him on the plane. It's all professional, really.

A knock that echoed throughout the silent room got me jumping off from the bed. No one else knows that I'm here, no one will come and visit me except for- "Come in, it's open."

"Good evening, sir. I'm just about to order room service for dinner. What do you like to have?" I can't breathe. He's in the same room as me, alone, in a foreign country. If now is not the right moment to talk about things, then I don't know when will that time be. I just need to be honest about this. Honest to him, with him. God, this shouldn't be this hard.

"Jaebum, drop the formalities. No one here is going to reprimand you for calling me by my name. My dad is not here." I said, tone soft and hopeful.

"But, sir, it isn't appropri-" I stared at him hard, putting all my emotions out there for him to see. No more lies. "Mr. President, it really is not, I should not-"

"Please. I'm begging you, Jaebum. I just want my best friend back. Even just for this trip. Please?" It really should not be this hard.

Silence. Silence as loud as death is all I can hear. We're staring at each other, waiting for the first one who'll break. And I hope it's not me.

"Jinyoung-ah." In a moment, I'm standing up. Another, I'm crying.

"Is this real? Please say that again. Please say my name again." I took a step forward but he took one back, eyes wide, and hands shaking.

"No, no, no. I did not mean to. S-Sorry, that was a mistake. I-I shouldn't have entered your room in the first place. I am so sorry, sir. It's totally my fault. It wasn't my place. I'll just let the staffs deliver your food. Have a good night, sir." He was about to leave the room when I finally had enough of this. Whatever this is.

"Stop right there, you fucking asshole!" Well, that did the trick. He stopped on his tracks and turned to look at me, really look at me. "Why are you doing this? Tell me. Did I do you wrong? What did I do? Please, what did I do for you to hate me?!"

"Jinyoung-ah." He said it so softly, I would have missed it if only I'm not hyperaware right now. "Jinyoung, please stop this. It's for both our sakes."

"Why can't you just be honest with me? Give me a reason believable enough and I will let this go. Just fucking give me an explanation!" I screamed between tears and broken bonds. "Just tell me what went wrong. Just tell me why you hate me."

"I don't hate you. Jinyoung, I can never hate you." He looked at me trying to convey his thoughts but I'm having a hard time believing them.

"Bullshit. Then why the sudden indifference, huh? Why neglect me all these years? Two years, Jaebum, two years. Do you know how hard it was? Do you know how low I've felt when you just suddenly turned your back on me?"

"I'm aware, I am perfectly aware of what transpired during these years, okay?! I was the other party, of course I know, Jinyoung. I know. And I probably know a lot more things than you. So please, please, Jinyoung-ah. Just stop this. You don't really need me, you've been doing fine. Just let us go. Let go." He is trying to communicate something unspoken. He is trying to tell me to read between the lines, to read him. But I can't. I can't read him. For the first time in almost twenty years, I can't read Jaebum. And if I was asking for signs that I should finally just let go, it's this, straight from the devil's mouth.

I shuddered a sigh. I guess some things just really don't go the way you want them to be. No matter how hard you try, shit just happens. I decided, there and then, that I'm done. I'm done with playing the victim. If he wants to bury our friendship six feet under, then I will help him do it. I'm just so, so tired. I'm tired of overthinking and being the only one who care. A relationship cannot be built on one person alone. And so, I'm done.

With the last of my will power, I brought my hands up to my face and wiped the tears that I vow will be the last. "Go, you may leave." I said, surrendering.

He turned, opened the heavy doors, stepped outside, and sealed our fate.

Chapter Text

It wasn't part of the plan. Falling in love with my best friend was never part of the plan.

I stormed my way back into my room and just stood there, in the middle of it. I closed my eyes and tried to calm myself, to breathe. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale. I repeated it like a mantra, like a spell that will keep me grounded and oh god, sane. It was working, I was calming down until I opened my eyes and the first thing they saw was the picture I always kept by my bedside. Fuck. The despair hit me again, full force. And this time, I know it's all on me. It's all my doing and I can't help but hate myself for it. I hate myself for not being brave enough, for not being honest enough, for doing this to him, to us. Indescribable amount of self loathing crept its way into my veins until I'm shaking and gasping. I strode towards the picture like a madman, and then in the moment of heat and bad decisions, I tore it. I tore it and tore it and tore it, until the memory it holds became unrecognizable. Then, seeing the remnants of my heart lying on the floor brought me to my knees and suddenly, I can't contain all the pain and anguish inside anymore. I gave a piercing howl and banged my fist onto the table. The next thing I know, it's not only the table and the polaroid that was broken and scattered haphazardly on the floor. It was the whole room. Even the walls, I can not help but paint in blood. But no matter how much I trash the place and destroy myself in the process, nothing can keep the desolation that's eating my soul.

*

It wasn't like it's a secret. No, it's not. I don't really hide it but every time I am at the receiving end of those stares, I wish I had tried, even if just a little. I am not ashamed that I came from an average family. I'm a pretty average person too, if you'll ask me. My father works as an average body guard and my mother is the average housewife. I live in an average apartment with my parents and go to school riding the average bus. I am just your average high school student.

The only thing not average in my mundane life is the existence of my best friend. Park Jinyoung.

He is everything opposite of me. His dad is the president of too many companies, I actually lost track counting. His mom is the only daughter of the largest hotel chain in the country. He lives in a mansion where his bathroom is bigger than my bed room. He goes to school being driven by his personal driver using his personal Mercedes. His literal presence screams not average.

We met through my father's work. On the start of summer break, he decided to bring 5 year-old me to his job since my mother was out of town visiting my poor grandma who fell ill. I remembered being utterly astonished when I saw the house with a really big backyard it might as well be a forest. My dad introduced me to his boss and pleaded permission to leave me there for the time being. It turned out that his boss is needed somewhere for a meeting and he, as a body guard should, must accompany him. I remember him repeatedly telling me not to touch anything and just sit still on the sofa. He said his paycheck isn't enough compensation if I were to break something. And as a good and obedient kid, I did. I stayed put long enough, I became sleepy. That is until I heard rushed footsteps and before I knew it, a body was thrown at me, on me.

"Oh my god, a new playmate! Tell me, did my dad tell you to play with me? What is your name? I am Jinyoung! We look the same age, I'm so excited!" I can't believe the kid started jumping up and down, still on me. I gave out a pained groan and he stopped. "What's your name? Let's go play upstairs in my room. Dad bought me this new set of Legos! Come on!" This Jinyoung kid just grabbed my wrist and forcefully hauled me to a very nice looking bedroom which I assumed was his.

"Uhm, my dad told me to just stay in the sofa and not to touch anything. I'll just go back downstairs." As I was trying to leave, I heard a sniffle. Then suddenly, the boy started crying.

"Why don't you want to play with me?! Why are you so mean?" I panicked. What do I do, what should I do? I don't have any experience with another kid crying since I have no siblings. I sighed, my father will understand.

"Fine. I'll play with you." As soon as the words left my mouth, the boy was jumping in excitement again. I remembered his smile back then. He beamed so wide, all his teeth were exposed and his eyes turned into tiny slits. I also remember smiling back at the boy. "My name is Jaebum."

That was the start of a friendship, a friendship that was so solid and genuine. It was also the same friendship that became my biggest hardship.

Being with a really determined and stubborn person, gets you in trouble sometimes. Jinyoung begged his father to send me to the same high school he is studying. And of course, it wouldn't be just an average private high school. It was the best in the country since only the best should be offered to Jinyoung anyways, I've long understood that. Surprisingly, his father agreed to sponsor me under the condition that I must work and serve Jinyoung when the time comes. Apparently, I'm not that too average. Well, my grades aren't at least. I discovered that my level of thinking is above most people and I actually enjoy studying. My parents were very ecstatic. They have always put faith in me, believed that I am made for so much bigger things than what they can offer. Jinyoung too was very happy, he threw a party upon receiving his dad's go signal.

It was fun and games at first but reality soon caught up and slapped me. It reminded me that I don't belong there, that I don't belong with him.

The stares I received from the other students when I came to school drenched from the heavy downpour outside were more condescending than the ones I get on a daily basis. My fists curled as if on reflex and I squinted my eyes at them. "Let me through." I said under my breath. The crowd was blocking the way into my classroom.

"Get lost, you rabid dog. Why do you even try to come to school everyday? You're just dirtying this place with your filth. You don't belong here. Get lost." I know that voice. It's the student council president, also the organizer of the Kick-Jaebum-Out-Of-School club.

"Look, I don't want any problem to happen here. Just let me pass and I won't tell the teachers you're all being your usual asshole selves." I said evenly. I am not afraid of them.

"What the fuck did you just say to me?!" Tsk. Kids these days are really stupid. I wonder what their parents feed them to be this dull.

I clicked my tongue. "Do you really want me to repeat what I said? Okay, if you enjoy being talked down that much." I shrugged my shoulders this time. "I said, move aside while I'm still being nice." I can practically see the president's jugular vein pulsating at the side of his neck. Oh man, this kid will have a stroke if he doesn't stop that.

"You should know who you're talking to, you piece of shit! Let me put you in your proper place!" He started to swing at me. I anticipate the first hit and ducked aside. These kids, aside from being total imbeciles, they also don't have the muscle to back them up. Sighs. And I thought, I was the pitiful one here.

The kid started to swing again but a hand grabbed his wrist and twisted it. "Fuck! What the hell! Why are you interfering? Get the fuck off me!" The intruder further twisted his wrist and I'm sure that with just a bit more, his hands will no longer be connected to his body. "Ouch! Fuck off!"

"What on earth is happening here?" The teacher, wide eyed and panting, broke up the fight and demanded for someone to speak up.

"The student council president who was supposed to be taking care of all the students' welfare is bullying Jaebum. He was trying to punch him so I stepped in and made sure he stops before he actually inflicts damage on Jaebum." The intruder had his head held high and smiled at me.

"But Jinyoung, you can't do that! I know you want to help Jaebum, but it's not enough reason to fracture your classmate!" The teacher was fuming but Jinyoung held her gaze, showing no ounce of remorse. I smiled, Jinyoung really is stupid. But not like the others, he's the good kind of stupid, my kind of stupid. "You three, come to the principal's office after class. And don't think that your parents won't hear of this! I'll call them for sure. Now go, get back into your classrooms and study for once, I'm begging you." Poor teacher, she must be so stressed.

The crowd broke and went into their respective classes. I went to Jinyoung. "Why did you do that? Now, you'll be reprimanded for sure. Your dad won't like it."

"Nah, it's fine. It's better if I get into trouble instead of you. He can't disown me, I'm his only heir. You, however, is dispensable to him. I don't want him to stop sponsoring you just because of these stuck up kids." I stared at him while he walks ahead of me, surprised yet again. I take back what I said, I might be the stupid one here.

My parents were disappointed with the fight but they understand that I really don't belong here in this posh life, and things like this are bound to happen. Mr. Park, however, is another story. He was furious. He said that he can't have the heir of his empire behaving like this. He grounded Jinyoung for two weeks.

My punishment, I should have expected, is a lot worse. I hope he'll just stop sponsoring me. Anything is better than this.

"You know, I've noticed that you and Jinyoung are really close nowadays. He's so protective of you, treats you like a brother." Mr. Park said, his voice like steel. I cower a little under his scrutiny.

"Yes, sir, and I will be forever grateful for his friendship. I treasure it very much. He's a very important person to me." Well, it is true. I can say that Jinyoung is an integral part of my life, I wouldn't be here without him after all. It might be inappropriate of me to say this, but I hold him more dear than I do my parents.

"You are a promising person, Jaebum. I believe you are smart enough to take on your own personal matters. I do not see the need for Jinyoung to meddle into petty matters like this. I hope that this incident won't be repeated. Am I understood?" I want to retaliate, to say that all of this is at Jinyoung’s discretion. I did not force him to do anything, I did not need his help. I sighed, the only way for this to end easily is if I just agree.

"Yes, sir, I understand."

"Also, I cannot let you go without giving any repercussions. I want you to take some time off from school and reflect on what you did today. Don't worry, I already talked with the principal, he agreed to give you two weeks to reign in your temper. Also, you cannot set forth in the mansion anymore starting tomorrow. I want Jinyoung to focus on his studies and other duties instead of playing around after school, I can't have him bringing in trouble again, especially now that he's close to inheriting the company. Is everything I said clear?" I must look like a fish out of water, mouth hanging low and eyes wide open. What the hell? I'm not allowed into Jinyoung’s house from now on? I'll be having time off from school? It's not even my fault! What the actual fuck?

"Sir, I want you to know that I did not-"

"Mr. Park, the car is ready for you. You have a meeting with the CEO of Wang  Enterprises in twenty minutes." His secretary looked back and forth between Mr. Park and I, confused like he just intruded an important conversation, which he fucking did. I cannot let this happen. I did not even do anything wrong!

"Sir! Let me explain what happe-" Before I could even finish what I as saying, Mr. Park just gave me one last glance, full of warning and assertion, before leaving for his damned meeting.

I don't know how to break the news to Jinyoung. Ever since we met, we haven't spent more than two days apart. And now, he is grounded for two weeks and I am not allowed to visit him. Shit.

"How did the talk with my dad go?" He still looked pissed from the punishment his dad laid to him. But there's no way we can't talk about his. Oh well, here goes nothing.

"Your dad banned me from your house forever and suspended me from school for two weeks." I said in one breath. I witness his expression turn into shock as he was rendered speechless.

"What the fuck? He can't do that! He must know you're my best friend! I can not possibly survive a day without you!" I knew this will happen. Jinyoung has always had the flair for drama and theatrics.

"Oh, I'm sure you'll do just fine. Apparently, he thinks of me as a bad influence to you. He probably thought I encouraged you into the fight." I sighed. What a mess this is. "Besides, we can always see each other at school. We're nearly eighteen, anyways. Don't you think we ought to live independently from each other already? You can't always have me by your side." Oops, wrong words to say to this overly dramatic fool.

"But I don't want that! I'll go and talk to dad. I'm sure he just misunderstood everything. You're the best thing that happened to me aside from coffee. He can't deprive me of you." There he goes again, saying those kind of words so carelessly and looking so determined like he's ready to give up anything for me. It might look like Jinyoung is the more clingy one in our friendship to the outside eyes, but they don't know. They don't know what I feel when he says words like this, don't know how it makes me hope.

"It's okay. Well, it is not actually okay but you don't have to do that. Like I said, we can just meet in school and message or call during the weekends. We can also still hangout whenever you have time. In any case, we're about to graduate high school and soon enough, we can dorm together during college. It's just few months left, I'm sure we can endure." I don't know who I'm trying to convince, me or him. However, just the thought of college and preparing for the real world with him got me excited. And this is actually what worries me, the happiness, the giddiness, the euphoria he gives me. I don't agree with his dad but the distance might do us some good, might decrease the butterflies I feel whenever Park Jinyoung is around.

*

Being a business major in an elite university will make you feel as if you're doing business already. I have never been proud of my high IQ as much as I am right now. Stuck up sons and daughters of various notable societal figures will usually line up for my tutoring and homework services. They will compete for my partnership in every course, they will fight to have me in their team for every academic event there is. All the professors also hold me in high regards and respect me. People actually want me for me, they need me. There was none of the petty and inconsequential drama that was present in high school. Here, all students are just trying to live by and survive this hell hole of dreams.

Aside from people realizing my value as a person and not my lack of finances, another thing that makes me like college is Jinyoung. Of course, it's him. It's always him.

The time we spent apart for a few months before high school ended gave me enough time to build myself and function in society without him. It made me Jaebum, my own person and not Jinyoung's best friend. I made my own set of friends and experienced the world without his protection. But of course, our reunion, if you could even call it that, was nothing short of emotional. As soon as we graduated, he told his dad that he's set on getting an apartment for college and that I am going to be his housemate. His dad tried to talk him out of it but as usual, Jinyoung could not be moved, said that if his dad won't allow it, then he won't be going to college anymore. That guy, when he sets his mind on doing something, nothing can stop him from doing it. We chose an average two bedroom apartment just five minutes away from the university. It's a miracle, seeing Jinyoung be domestic and be just him, no pretenses and facades, everyday. I should be immune to it already but alas, even after three years of living in the same roof, my heart still beats a little faster and my temperature goes just a bit higher.

"Jaebum, have you seen my shirt? The pink one with 'Fuck You' printed in gold and sparkly capital letters? I need that for class today. Remember the Prof I told you about? The one that makes me question God's kindness? I made it my life goal to annoy him and I want him to be especially annoyed today." He rants while deep in the closet, throwing shirts here and there in an attempt to find his gross t-shirt. "Gah! Where the hell is that?"

"I don't know. And if I ever see that abomination of a shirt, I'll make sure to set it on fire and save your professor. As much as I support you, I believe no one shall be exposed to that kind of torture. It's too much."

"How dare you?! I thought you're my best friend, I thought you love me?" Oh great, now he's starting to throw shirts at me.

"Stop trying to drown me in your clothes! Ok, ok, stop it. I'll go look in my room, maybe it's there though I'm positive it's not or else I'll remember...burning it!" As soon as I finished my sentence, I ran as fast as I can to my room, Jinyoung chasing me while screaming bloody murder. The laughter and shouts we're making is sure to garner us complains from the neighbors, good thing it's morning and most of them have gone to school or work already.

I should not have forgotten that Jinyoung is an athlete. I was easily overrun and thrown aside, so much for me being smart. "Sorry, sorry. I swear, I haven't seen your shirt, much more burn it. I promise!" I put both my hands up in surrender. He just scoffed then sauntered inside my room and started to make a mess like he did in his.

"Hey, let me do the work. Don't make a mess of my room too much, it's not as if you'll be the one cleaning afterwards. Hey!"

He held up one of my hoodies, it's red with no accents or stuff written on it, just plain red. "I want this." He stood up and started wearing it.

"I thought you're looking for your ugly shirt to wear to class. Why the hell are you stealing my hoodie?"  

"I don't care about the shirt anymore. I just remember my professor saying he hates red. So, I'll just be wearing this instead. I'll just return it to you later." He shrugged his shoulder and went out of my room. "Hey, we still have time before class starts. What do you want? I'll be making pancakes, is that okay with you?"

I hurried to the kitchen, not trusting Jinyoung to man the place. Last time he did, he cut himself and thought he was going to die. I can't handle something like that this early. "Be careful. I don't want you crying over a cut on your finger like the last time. And yes, I'm okay with pancakes. Just don't put too much sugar."

"Excuse me, last time was a real emergency. What if I my finger has really been cut off, huh? Then I'll be lacking one finger! Besides, you don't even need a knife in making pancakes." He wore the apron that's hanging by the fridge and started making our breakfast. I went back into my room and cleaned the mess Jinyoung made. I also went and tidied up his room since I know he'll never clean it up on his own. As I was putting his clothes back into the closet, I saw the shirt he's been looking for at the very back, buried under his pants and shorts. Trust Jinyoung to be this stupid. I sighed and went back into the kitchen, holding his God awful shirt.

I was not prepared to witness Jinyoung in an apron, making pancakes and humming under his breath. He looked happy, bouncing lightly on his feet. Shit, my heart was not prepared.

It took me a few seconds to compose myself and calm my erratic heart. "Jinyoung-ah, I found your shirt at the back of your closet. I'm right, it's so ugly. Where the hell did you even buy this?" I threw it at him and he caught it before it lands on the bowl of pancake mixture on the counter.

"Oh? It was there all along?" He scratched his head. "I am sure I searched for it thoroughly, though. Oh well, at least it's not lost or anything. And please, it's not ugly. Thank you very much." He put the shirt down onto one of our dining chairs.

"You're not wearing it?"  

"Nah, I like your hoodie. It's more comfortable and it smells of you. I might become smarter and attract knowledge if I smell like you for a day. We never know." He said and shrugged, flipping pancakes unceremoniously. He's making pancakes and humming so casually, not having any idea how his words made me feel something deep, something almost forbidden, something that scared me, I feel it in my bones. He made me feel something just a friend would never feel.

*

Having an office job might seem boring, doing the same mundane routine, clocking in the same time in and time out everyday. However, when said office job gets you working under your best friend, having him as your boss, it becomes far from boring.

Straight after graduating college, job offers came to me left and right. But as I made a deal with Mr. Park, I was recruited right away as Jinyoung's secretary. It was a relatively easy job. Jinyoung, however bratty he may seem, is a really competent person. He takes his role in the company seriously, of course he ought to. Being the CEO at a very young age, he has no choice but to exert his maximum effort in everything so as not to induce doubt from the board of directors and staffs. My job was not that taxing since I know Jinyoung in and out the same way he knows me. We work in completely synchronization, I deliver the papers he needs to sign before he even requests for it, schedule meetings before he realizes the need for them. In turn, he makes my workload easier, not because we're best friends but because he's just that good at making decisions for the company and excellent at doing business per se.

But of course, I can't deny that having such a relationship with a big company's CEO has given me benefits and earned me favoritism. Being his best friend gives me enough reason to be in the same circle with society's upper class. That being said, all of my close acquaintances now are the same friends Jinyoung has. There's Youngjae, the son of the country's largest and most advanced hospital's president. There's Mark, the CEO of the country's only five star restaurant and owner of a very successful coffee chain. There's Bambam, I don't know whose son he is and what he does or if he does things legally but he sure is loaded. Finally, there's Jackson. He's in the same trading Jinyoung is, also a CEO at a very young age, raised the same way Jinyoung has been raised. Their families have close ties, their parents are even partners in some businesses. I'm pretty sure that if he didn't study abroad, we would have been friends earlier. Out of all the people I met through Jinyoung, Jackson would have to be my favorite.

Befriending Jackson was like befriending Jinyoung a second time around. They both are loud, straightforward, and passionate. It was like having a second Jinyoung.

"How's my favorite person doing?" I heard the loud greeting before the door to my office even opened to reveal the person that was holding what I needed at the moment.

"Dead. This partnership Jinyoung is pushing gives me a headache. Their CEO is incompetent and their location is awful, I don't know why Jinyoung gives them his time of the day." The smell of coffee is so strong, I salivate. "Just give me the damned coffee already, Jackson."

"Whoa, there. There's no need to be hostile. Here, I included a sandwich, thought you haven't had your lunch yet, you ungrateful bastard." He handed me the bag with food and coffee, large, straight up black, no sugar, no cream, just how I want it.

"Thanks, I just don't really get this. Anyways, why are you here? Don't you have to work or something?" He made himself comfortable on the couch that the interior designer forced me into putting inside my office. I do not see its importance but I'm glad that Jackson's making use of it now.

"Or something. I took a break because the workload suffocates me. I just needed to go someplace else or I'll go nuts." He took a sip of his own coffee, the same with me, black, with no sugar and cream. "And then I decided to pay my dearest friend a visit. Why? Are you not happy I came here? Do you not appreciate my existence?" I sighed. Did I mention Jackson is like Jinyoung? I think I already did.

"Oh shut up." I tried to sound annoyed but I can't help the smile grazing my face for the first time since morning.

"Now, I'm in for some gossip. You need to take a break, I'm sure you've been at it since early in the morning. Leave that work behind and come here, sit with me. Let's talk." The look Jackson gave says he's not going to cut me some slack.

"Seriously? Now, all of a sudden? Isn't it too early to gossip?" 

"No, it's never too early to give you advices. Besides, I wasn't here when you broke down and cried last week. I am so sorry I couldn't be with you, by the way. I was in Paris that time. I swear, I would have punched Jinyoung for being so insensitive." He looked so guilty, I don't know why. It's not even his fault he's away for a business trip, it's not his fault that I am weak.

Last week, Jinyoung and I had our usual movie session at my apartment. We watched a really cheesy movie that he insisted on. We had three boxes of chicken and too many bottles of beer, I did not bother to count. We were on our way to deep inebriation when Jinyoung laid on my lap. It would have been nothing unusual, nothing we haven't done over the course of growing up together. It would have been okay had he not looked at me straight in the eyes and uttered words that felt like a rope choking me and draining the life out of my poor and pathetic body. I love you, you know. You're the best thing that's happened to me. You're my most favorite person in the world. I wish we could stay friends forever. I instantly sobered up while he fell asleep. Fucking friends. If he had said this 5 years ago, I would have promised him back. But it's different now, I don't see him as just a friend anymore. I wasn't able to hold back the emotions I've held for a long time, wanting to be let out. I got up, somewhat relieved that amidst my breakdown, Jinyoung managed to stay asleep, and ran to my room. I dialed the number that was on top of my contacts, Jackson, and unloaded the depths of my soul.

"I also need to go to Japan next week for a meeting and the rest of this week is dedicated to finish whatever work there is left before I go to there. Now's the only time I have free, for you. So, stop fidgeting and just come here, will you?" I sighed and sat beside him, holding my bitter coffee in hand.

"You don't have to this. It was a moment's decision that I called you that night. I'm sorry for burdening you like this."

"Hey, you're my friend. Of course, I'll come to your rescue whenever you need it, albeit four days late." He joked and I appreciate his effort to make this conversation light, appreciate his understanding. I appreciate that he understands that I like, no, that I am in love with Jinyoung.

"Seriously, though, I'm okay. Maybe the alcohol caused my heightened feelings that time, I was just overly sensitive. But I'm fine, really." Jackson just continues to stare at me, as if he knows something that I don't. "Okay, it's just hard, okay. It's hard loving your best friend. It's hard having to see his face everyday knowing you don't have a chance. It's hard breathing the same air as him, it's hard existing."

"You don't really know anything until you confess to him, you know. What if he likes you too?"

"That's impossible. He's always been straight. Besides, we live in totally different worlds. I would just hold him back. The society won't even allow it. It would shun him and I can't have that. I can't compromise his life. I just have to accept that it's okay that I'm the only one in love in our relationship."

As soon as I finished my sentence, the door to my office flew open and there stood Mr. Park, expression unreadable. Fuck, has he heard what I said, fuck.

"Jackson, son, can you leave? I'll have to talk to Jaebum here, you see." He said it so harshly, Jackson winced. He gave me a worried glance before leaving the office, whispering call me.

"Mr. Park, what brings your here? What can I do for you?"

"Is it true? Did I hear it right? You like someone?" He raised one eyebrow, as if provoking me, taunting me to slip. Shit. Did he hear? Does he know, I like his son? What do I fucking do? "Answer me, you like someone? A him?"

There's no use in lying, all will be out in the end, anyways. "Yes, sir. I'm sorry to disappoint you but I am gay."

"Shit. Who do you like? Is he from the company? Don't tell me it's Jackson? Never mind, does Jinyoung know of this? Knows what you are?" He gestured so offensively, like I'm of another specie, like I'm not human. At least, he didn't seem to hear that it's his son I'm having ill-thoughts with.

"No, it's not Jackson, sir. He's just a really good friend. And Jinyoung does not know."

"Good. I want you to keep it that way. I don't know how you turned up this way but I am not having you turn Jinyoung gay. I won't allow it." I balled up my fist, I want to punch his face so badly. "Listen carefully. You're a valuable worker and I can't just throw you away but I also don't want you influencing Jinyoung. I want you to keep all your interactions with him purely professional. I don't care if he thinks of you as his best friend or whatsoever, I don't want you associating with him personally. I will keep an eye on you. I'm not joking, I'm completely serious. Do something as simple as having dinner with him and I'll withdraw your mother's treatment. I'm dead serious. You got me?"

I can't believe someone can be this cruel. How dare he make my mom's condition an ultimatum? It's just not fair. My mother did not ask to be sick, she did not ask to be sponsored by a dipshit of a man. I can't believe Jinyoung came from this son of a bitch. This world is so unfair.

"But, sir, I've been friends with him for more than fifteen years already. Surely, you must understand that we cannot be separated that easily."

His nostrils flared, and his glare intensified tenfold. "I am serious. I will let you mother die. Don't test me, Jaebum. You should be thankful I'm keeping you in this company despite the fact that your existence is a disease in itself."

I can't believe this. How can someone just talk about letting someone die that easily? He's a monster.

"This is for Jinyoung's good. If you're the friend that you say you are, you will distance yourself and let Jinyoung live normally. Do not contaminate him. And keep in mind that I will have you watched, I will know if you don't follow me." With those harsh and condescending words, Mr. Park turned on his heel and left the room for me to shatter and crumble into dust.

*

As I was cleaning up my bloody hands and even bloodier tears, I came into a reverie. I should stop, I should just stop all this farce. I am not only hurting myself; I am hurting him in the process, I am hurting Jinyoung. Seeing him angry is one thing, witnessing him break down is another. I can't believe he bared is soul to me and I stepped on it; I fucking shoved him away. Self-loathing wouldn't do me any good. I thought I was Satan but Satan does not feel regret, and I do. Oh god, I do. I regret it so much. I was no one back then, easily threatened by money, by power but I am a new person now. I don't need Mr. Park's help to save my mom. I can do it on my own. I've been hiding behind that excuse all these time, using it as a shield. Now, I'm ready to man up and clean up the mess I've made. I'm ready to redeem myself, to save Jinyoung.

Chapter Text

I woke up with the most terrible headache of my life. My mouth felt so dry and my body felt so heavy. I feel like shit, my soul is empty. I forced myself up and into the bathroom since I've got to play my part as a powerful CEO and seal a business deal in four hours. In four hours, I'll probably rake in millions; in four hours, I will see him again. I sighed. Last night's event was still fresh in my mind, the argument, the screaming, the helplessness. I could get over this, I need to get over this. I stared at my reflection in the mirror; the face looking back at me is unrecognizable, the puffy eyes, the tear stains, the wildly disheveled hair. The person staring at me looks hollow, detached. This is not Jinyoung. I tried to smile, this is definitely not me.

The car ride towards the company I'm trying to strike a business deal with is full of tension. Jaebum is sitting next to the driver scanning through schedules. No one makes a sound, only the news report coming from the radio is heard. The sun is shining brightly outside for once; it's the first time I've seen London in a good mood and here we all are, dampening it with our sour faces and emotional baggages, even the driver is forced to shut up. I looked at Jaebum through the rearview mirror. He looks impeccable as always, so professional. The only sign that he's uncomfortable is the tiny frown between his eyebrows that appeared the moment I stared at him. He knows I'm looking, he knows. The car suddenly went into a halt at a junction and the inertia forced his head upwards and he caught my eye through the mirror. Time fucking slowed down and everything stopped, including my breathing. We were both wide eyed and caught off guard, but no one is backing down. His eyes are daring me to cower and make the first move, a challenge in this sadistic game we're playing. It took all my willpower to look away and pretend to call someone important. The car started moving again and I can't help but to glance back at the rearview mirror, hoping deep inside that he's still looking, but he isn't. He's back to reading away schedules and I'm forced to act strong. I said to myself that I am over this, whatever this is. I am over him. Funny how I realized a second after, I'm not good at lying.

Two days have passed and the silence between us has only grown louder. We have never been in a predicament like this before. Sure, these past two years have been tough with all the avoidance and shit but never like this. It was always passive distance with him, something like retreat; something akin to escape. This, however, is a whole new game in which I'm afraid, I don't know how to play. The silence is not uncomfortable, it's fucking suffocating. Now that I have given up, it's like he is looking for a fight, starting a war. He still acts the role of a good secretary: doing errands, arranging my schedules, giving me professional advices. It's just that aside from being the perfect assistant, he also tries to act like the friend that he was before all these bullshit started. Yes, he is still not talking to me but he gives me smiles, he brings my favorite cup of coffee everyday without me telling him to, he stares at me all the damn time. And he does all these with a glint in his eyes, it's like he is waiting for me to break and beg again. It's like hell froze over and Satan was dethroned. It confuses the hell out of me; he fucks with my mind. I hate it, I hate him.

"Sir, Mr. Wang is on the line". One would say he looks emotionless but it takes a trained eye to notice that the corners of his mouth are the tiniest bit turned upwards. And there is that again, the glint. Fuck him.

"I'm busy. Tell Jackson to bother me some other time". Not a complete lie. The merger I had sealed two days ago is all over the business world and lots of investors are coming in. No time for the CEO to slack and have chitchats, no matter if said chitchat is with a very close friend.

Jaebum put the phone back to his ear and is trying to shut Jackson up, I presume. "Sir, he states that it is of very importance. He said that if you don't talk to him within the next minute, he'll withdraw all the stocks he has from this company".

Damn. Why can't the universe just give me a break. "Just hand me the damned phone, will you?" He gave me the device and our hands brushed sending electrical impulses throughout my body, down to my toes. We both gasped and stared into each other. Have I told you that the silence suffocates me? Yes? Well, it sure has killed me, fucking finally. It was a brief moment but I swear, I saw Jaebum smirk. I blinked, and it's gone. He's right out of the door the moment I was able to compose myself. I hate him.

"What do you want?" I snapped at Jackson.

He whistled. "Oooh, someone's in a bad mood. What's got your panties in a twist?"

"I only answered your call because you said it was important. Now, if you don't have anything crucial to say, I'll hang up the phone. I'm a very busy man and I'm not in the mood to tolerate your yapping." I said through gritted teeth.

"Hold on, hold on. I did not mean to piss you off. What's the problem, man? And don't hang up on me, don't you dare. I know you're busy, I am a CEO too. Trust me, I know what busy is but I can't let you dismiss me with that attitude. So fess up, what is going on?" His sounds determined and I can imagine him standing up and looking at the horizon from his office window. I sighed. There's no getting out of this one.

"It's nothing. I'm just tired and stressed out."

"Stop with the bullshit, okay. I know it's more than that." I did admit I'm a pretty shit liar. "Or do you want me to talk to Jaebum? He seems more open and honest to me than you are."

Fuck, why is it that I can't get away from him even for just a second? "No need to do that. If you really want to know the depths of my heart, fine, I'll tell you but I want it to be in person, not over the phone. And with drinks, too. Pick me up at around 8. We'll celebrate my broken soul and get totally hammered. I warn you, ready yourself. Tonight's gonna get messy." I let out a bitter laugh.

"Wow. Who broke you? I swear, just say the name and I'm gonna pummel him to dust."

"You can't beat him even if you wanted to. I tried, that's why I'm going nuts. He’s too good of a player, you can't win over him, I tell you." I sighed, totally exhausted, drained, spent.

"Well, shit. I hope you can stay alive until I pick you up. Bye for now!"

I ended the call, feeling dead inside. Jaebum entered the room and told me that Jackson texted him I'll go drinking tonight. He offered to drive my car back to my house knowing that Jackson would probably drive me home later. I told him no, he doesn't have to do that. He insisted, that yes, it is his duty to serve me. He won't back down. I eventually agreed. I am not good with this new Jaebum. I don't know, I think I can't handle his kindness. I am just so tired.

The clock showed 8 o'clock and I shut my laptop down, ready to leave the office but not ready to face the truth yet. Jackson has called me 30 minutes ago, telling that he's on the way. But he hasn't called to notify me of his arrival since then and I wondered if the traffic was that heavy. As I was passing the waiting room near the front desk of my office floor, I saw him cozying up with Jaebum. They are sitting on the couch, side by side, not an inch apart. Jackson was making grand gestures and Jaebum was concentrating on him, hanging onto his every word, his eyes focused on every bit of Jackson. I feel bile rise up to my mouth and I took deep breaths to calm myself down. Once upon a time, it was me. I was that; I was Jackson. Too long ago, that was too long ago.

I cleared my throat. "Hey, guys. Jackson, ready for tonight?"

Jackson gave Jaebum a very meaningful look that I refuse to decipher. Reading into it would just hurt me more. And as far as I am concerned, I'm no masochist. So no, no more adding fuel to the fire. I am burnt enough.

"Yes. Let's go, you need some real bro time with me." Jackson gave one last glance at Jaebum then ushered me away. I feel like a third-party, someone intruding their moment.

"You know, you can back out. I was in a mood a while ago so I probably sounded a lot worse than I really am." I tried to reason out as I am continued to be dragged towards his car.

"No chance. You sounded shit on the phone, you look like shit now. We need to talk this out or I'm afraid you'll drown in despair." He practically threw me into his car and drove right away. I think he's afraid that I might bolt and run. What has become of me? How did I become this weak, this pathetic?

"I think I already am."

We have finished a bottle of whiskey already and no blood has been spilled, yet. I can see Jackson squirming, itching to ask questions but holding back. As if preventing to inflict damage but he doesn't know I'm already damaged, wrecked beyond repair.

"Just ask me questions. You look like you're about to shit yourself. Between us, I think I have more reasons to be nervous. Not you, definitely not you." I said, remembering the scene a while ago. Jackson and Jaebum. Jaebum and Jackson. Fuck. I tipped back another shot and it burns. It burns my throat but who cares, I'm already numb; numb to alcohol, numb to pain.

"Ok, so this may be a little bit blunt and extremely personal but I care about you and I think I know what's happening to you. I mean, not exactly but I have an idea. I don't want you to run away, I want you to trust me and maybe heed some of my advices. You know I only want the best for you, right? You know I love you like a brother. I would never do something that will hurt you, deliberately I mean-"

"Spit it out. Your babbling gives me a headache."

"Is this about Jaebum?" He said it too fast. I choked on my whiskey.

"What? What did you say?" 

"This is about Jaebum, isn't it? Tell me, honestly."

"What do you know? Has he been telling you things? Because I swear to God, he's lying. Whatever it is he told you, he's lying about it." I said, tone serious. What the actual fuck. Jaebum spends two years ignoring me and he goes telling things to Jackson? A fucking third party; an outsider.

"So, this is about him. And before you get mad, he didn't tell me anything. Well, aside from what he told me awhile ago, back in the waiting room. But! This has been going for years, I can tell. You both think you guys are subtle but I'm telling you, you don't know what subtlety is even if it slapped you in the face. And it is so frustrating!"

"What are you on about? What are you trying to say?" My heart is beating a little too fast, I can hear it and I'm breaking out in cold sweats. Not good, totally not good.

"All I'm saying is, it's so frustrating to watch two of your best friends run around stupid and pretend they're not in love!"

I froze in my seat. How did he know? How did he know, I am in love with Jaebum? "What the hell are you saying? I am not in love with Jaebum and he sure does not love me!" I am shaking, with adrenaline or with fear, I do not know.

"Don't even try and lie to me. I know you. You look at Jaebum with so much pining, it makes me want to puke sometimes." He said, making vomiting sounds and gestures.

"Assuming you are correct and that I am in love with him, it is so obvious that he doesn't love me back! So you can't be right about him. Then, I will end up in a very one-sided love that will hurt me so much more, so no. I refuse to admit that I love him." I said a little bit hysterical. This cannot be, this cannot be.

"He does love you, you know." He stated it so nonchalantly, like he's stating a fact which is impossible.

"He does not. Do you not remember that he's ignored me? What, can't remember the times I called you crying about our broken friendship?" I need something to ground me into reality, to keep me sane. I shouted at the bar tender to give me another bottle.

"But he does! He told  me. You don't know what he has been through because of you. You don't know what your father did!" He shouted, looking so pissed. It's like he's offended for Jaebum's sake.

My mouth dropped. "What?! He told you? He fucking told you that? And what about my dad, what's he got to do with this?" I am so confused and my head feels like it's about to explode. My face is wet too, I didn't notice I was crying until I choked on my tears.

"You didn't know, did you? I wasn't supposed to know it too, but I can't help it that time. I was just so worried for him. Your dad is a scary man and he didn't look very happy that time."

"Stop stalling and tell me what the fuck my dad did!"

"We were talking, about life, about love, about you. God, he loved you so much, it pains me to even think about what he felt that time, what he's feeling right now. He came out to me two years ago. He told me how hard it was to control his feelings, how to correct himself. Then suddenly, your dad is in the room. He heard the part where Jaebum was talking about a "him" and went mad, like scary mad. He kicked me out of the room just to have a talk with Jaebum. I was so worried for him that I stayed outside, left the door ajar and eaves dropped. I swear, your father is an asshole, the biggest douchebag there is, pure evil. He told Jaebum to stay away from you because you know, the usual you-might-get-corrupted-and-turn-gay-too. He basically stepped over Jaebum. Jaebum tried to fight for you but your dad threatened to stop financing his mother's hospital bills. He didn't really have a choice back then. It was your friendship or his mother's life. Surely, you can't hold that against him."

I am beyond horrified. My tears won't do Jaebum any justice. How can my father do that? How?! I gripped the counter so hard, the wood started to give out. I downed another shot. I need to calm down, I need to calm down. My father did all these? He was the reason Jaebum cut me off? He had threatened him? Jaebum loved me all this time? Jaebum loves me. Everything was out in the fucking open. I can't believe it. Jaebum is in love with me. Not with anyone else, not with Jackson but with me. Me.

I stood up, so abrupt my vision spun and I wobbled. I started walking. "Where are you going?!" Jackson followed me.

"I'm going to set this right. My dad had no right to do what he did. I'm gonna make everything right, I'm gonna correct this shit. I'm gonna tell Jaebum that I love him, I fucking love him." I strode towards the exit but Jackson grabbed me.

"As much as I support your decision, and believe me when I say I want you and Jaebum to finally confess and make out with each other, you are not in the right state of mind. You're drunk." 

"I don't care. I've been miserable all these years, I don't want to be miserable anymore." I started sobbing again. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Jackson must have noticed my desperation, must have realized that this is my only salvation. He sighed and let go of my wrist. "Fine, but I'm not gonna let you go there by yourself. I'm gonna drop you at his house, okay?"

I nodded and followed him. I can't believe it. Jaebum is in love with me.

I banged at Jaebum's door like a madman. It's 11 pm and he's probably asleep and the neighbors are probably getting pissed but I don't give a single fuck. I banged the door like tomorrow's not gonna come.

"Who the fuck is that?!" Jaebum asked through the intercomm.

"It's me. Jinyoung." I'm surprised that my voice didn't break. I took a deep breath and steadied myself. Whatever's gonna happen is going to make or break us, permanently. I shuddered.

"Goodness, Jinyoung. What are you doing here?!" He opened the door and he looks so annoyed. Annoyed and handsome. He's in his pajamas, a loose shirt and basketball shorts. His hair is disheveled and he's wearing a big frown. He's so handsome.

I did not waste any more minute. I pulled him close and pressed our lips together. Oh god. He was stunned for a moment then he shoved me, hard.

"What the fuck, Jinyoung? What the fuck?!" He looks so mad. His face is in a deep shade of red and his vibrating with tension. Hot.

"I came here to say I know. I learned what you've been through and I forgive you. So please forgive me too? Pretty please?"

"Jesus Christ, are you drunk?!"

"Yes, I am but not too much! I swear, just a couple of bottles! I promise. Also, I'm serious about forgiving you. So can you just please forgive me too? Then we can start all over again."

He grabbed me and dragged me into his apartment, into his home. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Who do you think you are? You can't just barge in my house in the middle of the night and confuse the shit out of me!"

"I love you." I blurted out. That seemed an effective way to shut him up. "Jaebum, don't you get it? I love you."

"You're drunk off your ass. I'll just pretend this never happened. Come on, I'll bring you home."

"No! You don't understand! I am not drunk enough to lie to myself. I love you, have always loved you! And I know, Jackson told me. I know my father's an asshole but please listen to me. I. Love. You. And I know you love me too." I said with a soft voice. I just don't want to fight anymore. I want him to hear me, to really hear me.

"You're just so cruel, you know? Springing this on me with no warning signs, no alarm bells. I ought to hate you."

"But you don't." I held my breath. He stepped towards me.

"Damn right, I don't. I cannot, never. That's why I tried to make you hate me, that would make leaving you easier. But then, it didn't. It did not at all." He continued to step towards me, I started backing towards the door.

"Jaebum, I want you to know that I am so, so, so sorry. I didn't know what my father did. If I knew, I would have done something. Please believe me."

"I know you didn't know anything. I know it's all on your father. And that made me hate myself. I've been such a coward. I was hiding behind that excuse for so long and I hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you." I hit the wall, no escape this time.

"I understand. And I don't blame you, not one bit. Knowing the truth only made me fall for you more. I'm in love with you." I emphasized the last sentence. I need him to hear me, to understand me, to believe me.

There was a moment of pure deafening silence then his mouth is on me, it happened so fast and with so much force. He's pinning me to the wall with his body, effectively holding my hands above my head with just one hand while the other is gripping my chin harshly. He bit my lower lip and I can't help but gasp. He shoved his tongue inside my mouth and claimed me. I tried to gain some control, to fight for dominance but it is so obvious that I just want to be marked by him, for him to completely own me. Jaebum kisses hard and I'm sure my wrist and chin will have bruises later on from the tight grip he has on me.

We eventually broke the kiss, panting really hard and a string of saliva connecting us. We stared at each other for a while, processing what just happened and taking everything in.

He closed his eyes. "I can't fucking believe this." He whispered under his breath.

I held his hand and brought it to my cheek, letting him hold me, caress me. "This is real, I'm real. I won't go anywhere." My tears flowed freely and he tried to brush it off with his thumb. He pressed our foreheads together and said the words that would become my undoing,

"I love you. I fucking love you, Jinyoung-ah."

Chapter Text

People often say that the scariest way of dying is through drowning. The helplessness is overwhelming and you cannot do anything but to accept your imminent death. Well, that's exactly how it is.

I'm gasping for air, forcing it through my lungs, clawing at everything within arms reach. My cries and pleas are muffled and incomprehensible. But it's so good, so fucking good, to drown in Jaebum. My moans are swallowed by his mouth and I can't move, he has got me weak and pliant, malleable to his every demand. We are currently inside my office. I am on my back, laying across my mahogany desk. Jaebum is on me, debasing me and my poor, innocent table.

"Ji-Jinyoung, I think this is not a good idea." He said moving on to my neck, licking and sucking. He sucked particularly hard at the junction where my shoulders and neck meet and I can't help but let out a moan.

"I don't think there's a better idea tha- Ah! Oh god, yes!" I shoved my hands in his hair, messing it in every way possible. "If you don't sto- Ah, ah! You're gonna leave a fucking mark." I tugged his hair.

He went and bit my earlobe, then licked it. "As if you don't like it. You beg me every time to claim you. Slut."  I moaned and thanked the heavens my office is sound proof or else the person manning the front desk will hear how Jaebum wrecks me senseless. "God, such a loud slut. Go and tell the whole building who's in command right now, you would want that don't you? If only they could see you like this. Mr. High and Mighty Park Jinyoung, all submissive and helpless under his secretary. Fucking whore."

"Fuck you. Shut up, use your mouth for something else." I said, bringing him down for another hot kiss. I can never get tired of kissing him. It's addicting.

I feel him pressing into me. Another minute and I'm sure we'll both be off with our suits.

"We should stop. As much as I want to break you in your office, you have a schedule with your dad in..." He glanced at the desk clock above my head. "Five minutes. Now get up and make yourself look at least presentable." He got off me and straightened his suit. Aside from the swollen lips and tousled hair, he looks normal, almost professional. It's unfair.

"What? You don't get to start with something like this and not just finish. It's unfair. It's mean. And I don't give a flying fuck about my father." I palmed my hard on right in front of him and let out a groan. He just raised his eyebrow at me, he is so unfair.

"As much as I hate your father, I don't want him to see me fucking you. Not to mention inside your office, during office hours. That's just wrong." He went to the adjoining bathroom and combed his hair.

"Ugh! Why does he have to ruin everything!" An idea suddenly popped into my mind. Hmm, this should be interesting. I removed my tie and started unbuttoning my shirt. I also removed my shoes and kicked them somewhere.

"Uhm, Jinyoung. What the fuck are you doing? I told you to get dressed, not strip. Did I fry your brain? I didn't know my oral skills were that good."

"Oh, don't flatter yourself too much, Jaebum. Also, call me Mr. President." As soon as the words left my mouth, the door into my office opened.

"Jinyoung, I have discussed with your mom about a possible marriage partner. She's a nice girl from a very wealthy backgrou- What the hell are you doing?!" My old man was red in the face. I don't know if from embarrassment or anger, maybe both. Who cares.

"Can't you come back another time. I am busy with my secretary, aren't we, Jaebum?" I saw him face palm. Tsk, what a bore. "Come here, Jaebum."

He sighed. "Yes, Mr. President." I smirked at my dad. Poor father, he looks like he's about to pop a vein.

"Uhm, dad, if you don't mind. You standing there doesn't really set the mood." He snapped out of his daze and looks positively horrified.

He pointed at Jaebum, accusation evident. "You! I told you to stay away from him! What the fuck did you do to Jinyoung, huh?! You influenced him!"

I was about to give him a piece of my mind but Jaebum beat me to it. "With all due respect sir, can't you see that it's Jinyoung throwing himself at me? I am fully clothed while he, he's seducing me. Your son is a slut, sir." I snorted. Haha, take that!

My father's mouth dropped open again. "Wha-what did you say?"

"He's the biggest slut I have seen, sir. An absolute whore." Jaebum said it all with a straight face. God, I love him.

"Are you hearing this, son? Fire him right now! You shouldn't let yourself be around filth like him. It was a mistake letting him live."

"But dad, I am a slut. I want Jaebum so bad, I am willing to bend over this desk and let him have his way with me while I scream so loud, everyone in this building would know how much of a man Jaebum is." I threw heart eyes at Jaebum and he made puking noises. Ungrateful bastard.

I see anger and disappointment run all over my father's face. He looks murderous. I should be scared, but Jaebum is with me and I'm sure he'll murder my dad first before he even gets to touch a single strand of my hair.

"You're crazy. You're fucking crazy! Is this how you repay me?! Huh! For giving you this empire, this is how you repay me?!" He surged forward, ready to strike but Jaebum was faster and in a blink of an eye, my father's on the floor. Unconscious. I made a mental note to not really aggravate Jaebum. Who knew he could punch someone into oblivion, it's so hot. I am definitely turned on.

I called for the security and instructed them to bring my father's sorry ass to a hospital. I don't care, the asshole deserved it.

Jaebum, however, is another story. "Call me Mr. President again. You don't know how much that turns me on."

"I just knocked your father unconscious and you still want to fuck? God, what is wrong with you?" Jaebum said, but there was no remorse in his voice, no insecurities or regrets as he strode over to me and laid me down on the desk again.

"Nothing, nothing's wrong. Everything's all good. Now, please. Fuck me."