Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

11 April 2017

[Robert in the pub on the phone]

ROBERT: Don’t mess me around Bex, we have to meet to discuss our plot. It’s very important. […] Yes, we have to meet at the scene of the incident. It’s very important that we continue to cause the audience a maximum amount of pain. Be there…half past…or else.

[The pub with Robert, Aaron and Charity with a baby…just as a reminder of where this is all going]

ROBERT: Aaron, I can’t go with you to counseling right now. I have a plot…I mean work crisis I have to attend to.

AARON: (Clearly should know work crisis is code for plot) Are you sure? I really need you there Robert, because the writers have taken away my entire support system so that you’re all I have left.

ROBERT: Sounds about right. Now I’ll just go take care of this plot thing and meet you there. *cheek kiss* - for the fans

[Vic and Aaron in the Pub with a baby]

AARON: Holding a baby really suits you, Vic!

VIC: Doesn’t it? This means I’m not going to get one. I’m only holding him to remind the audience of what’s in your future.

[Aaron on the phone at counseling]

AARON: Robert come on, where are you? I’m still completely dependent on you for my happiness so that when you disappoint me I will be extra crushed.

[Robert and Rebecca at the Mill]

ROBERT: How dare you be late, Bex! I need to get a move on. I only scheduled this meeting for right this second so that I would be late to Aaron’s counseling session but I can’t be so late that he will get too suspicious. We have to drag this plot out longer so he can’t find out yet.

REBECCA: Sorry, Robert, you can’t get your way all the time and you needed to be extra on edge so that you can make me feel worse so that maybe the audience will feel sorry for me.

ROBERT: You’re still pregnant and still intruding on what could have been a storyline focused on Aaron’s mental health and you still think the audience is going to feel sorry for you?

REBECCA: I don’t want this plot anymore than you do. Go on, yell at me, make me cry. That should do the trick.

ROBERT: *switches into evil mode* Just get rid of it!

[Aaron at Counseling]

DOCTOR: Are you ready to talk about the lifetime worth of problems you’ve been given but never able to properly deal with Aaron?

AARON: Not just yet. My husband was dealing with a plot emergency. I’m sure he will be here soon.

[Back at the Mill]

REBECCA: How dare you ask me to do that, you’re a monster. *Single Tear* Is it working? No? Well, how about this? How dare you ask me to get rid of it like you did the last time?

ROBERT: What did I do now? I don’t know if I got those rewrites. Did they come up with this in the last five minutes?

REBECCA: Yes, Robert, of course they did. How else would you explain why I was literally throwing myself at you when I first arrived and saying I wanted the old Robert back.

ROBERT: Fair enough, I’ll play along. I thought we were never going to speak of that again!

REBECCA: But we have to for the sake of the plot. I need a reason to keep this baby Robert. It took me so long to get over it last time. I can’t do it again. *Cries more*

ROBERT: *Still in evil threatening mode* I don’t care. I need to go meet Aaron otherwise he will get suspicious of the plot. I love him and I will never ever ever ever love you! Just take care of it!

REBECCA: *Best shocked and hurt face*

[Counseling with Aaron]

DOCTOR: Why don’t you talk about your multitude of issues.

AARON: I can’t yet. I told you. I have to wait for my husband.

DOCTOR: Is he usually late?

AARON: Only when his plot doesn’t involve me. I used to be the one that made him late. Those were the days.

ROBERT: It’s okay Aaron, I’m here! Nothing to worry about. Plot crisis solved. I mean work crisis. Can’t trust those mysterious drivers we’ve never once seen for that company I barely do any work for unless it serves the plot.

DOCTOR: Right. Let’s get started.

AARON: It’s not that easy.

ROBERT: *soft Aaron voice* It’s okay Aaron. I’m here now. You can talk. You’ve said all this stuff before so it should be easier.

AARON: You’re so right Robert. I mean it’s as easy as that. Just talking about it because I have before. [to the doctor] I bottle up all my feelings because I need to save them to blow up at the right moment for the plot. Can you help me?

DOCTOR: Sure. All you have to do is just walk away and do something you enjoy and all will be well.

AARON: You’re so wise, Doc. Why didn’t I ever think of that. You know what I enjoy? Things with Robert. You decide what those things are. And Robert is always going to be there for me because this plot is totally about me and my issues. Nothing can go wrong here.

[Back at the pub]

REBECCA: Get me a drink Charity so that I can stare at it and feel sorry for myself.

CHARITY: Fine, but I don’t want to hear about your problems and neither does the audience. They’ve been reminded enough today.

ROSS: My family has this funny idea that we’re actually dating so I’ve come over to be sensitive and completely the opposite of Robert who I have no idea is involved in this plot.

REBECCA: Thanks for that. It makes Robert look worse. Great job!

ROBERT: Hi, I’ve shown up at the opportune time to be even more of a jerk.

CHARITY: Here, Ross, hold Moses so you can look like an even better guy.

ROSS: Thanks Charity. Hi Moses, let’s be adorable together.

ROBERT: I need to remind the audience I’m evil. So what’s the plan?

REBECCA: I have no agency so I’m going to do what you say or at least I’m telling you that.

ROBERT: Charity, two bottles of lager please for me and my husband who I love completely.

[Pub booth with Aaron]

ROBERT: *back to soft Aaron voice* Aaron you are my number one priority. No other plot comes close.

AARON: *heart eyes*

Chapter Text

12 April 2017

[Running in the Village with Robert and Aaron who look unfairly adorable in their running gear *Fan Baiting Alert*]

AARON: Why don’t you just go home Robert? You’re clearly not fit enough to keep up with me. (DANNY: Plus, Ryan, I know your knee is still bothering you and I can’t watch you limp anymore, bro)

ROBERT: No Aaron, you’re my number one priority, so I must be seen doing these kinds of activities with you. If you’re going to be doing an activity that you’ve previously used as a method of self harming I have to appear willing to go with you to keep an eye on you. Plus, I need a reason to be outside right now. (RYAN: It’s getting better, honest. Nice that they keep giving me all these scenes where I have to walk and run though. But hey, at least the plot says I get to stop for now)

*Two lines of cute banter* - for the fans

ROBERT: Go on Aaron, I have a plot cramp. I’ll catch you up.

AARON: Doubt it.

[In the Village with Robert and Rebecca. Swing set clearly shown as Robert walks by…as if the audience needed a reminder]

ROBERT: Have you done the thing I’m forcing you to do yet? I have my evil reputation to keep up.

REBECCA: Later today, as you asked. I am deeply conflicted about this. Doesn’t it show?

ROBERT: What time is it exactly? I need to know so I can stalk you later and make sure you really did the thing.

REBECCA: *Shows appointment on phone* There you go. Happy stalking! Oh and just to give you another opportunity to sound like a jerk, happy now?

ROBERT: I will be when it’s done. (Thanks, I needed that. I wasn’t sure my jerkish side was properly showing in this scene yet)

[Dale View with Rebecca, Ross, and of course our favorite reminder, Moses!]

REBECCA: *slightly cutesy voice to show potential maternal side* Hello adorable child.

ROSS: I was gonna call you but the plot dictated I wait for you to come see me holding my adorable son.

REBECCA: I’m sorry about everything. I didn’t want you to find out when you did but it had to be done in public so that Robert could hear it too and look utterly panicked while his husband stood by completely oblivious in what he considered a ‘country squire’ look.

ROSS: Do you want to go to bed? No, not you Rebecca, I just needed to say a weird line that could sound like innuendo just to make this whole situation more awkward but still come out vaguely endearing at the end of it. Just give me a second.

*Puts Moses down to read a book* *Good Dad Alert*

ROSS: I still don’t get it. We were dead careful with protection when we were shagging in the toilet and all those other half drunken times!

REBECCA: I know. Totally! That’s because we were never meant to have a child together.

ROSS: Look I’m not ready to be a dad again and I know that’s not where this plot is going, which is *Whew!* what a relief. I mean to be constantly tied to you and your plots has been terrible for me so far.

REBECCA: Don’t worry about it. I’m getting rid of it and I’m really sad about it for plot reasons that I can’t get into right now.

ROSS: Do you want me to come with you? *Good ‘Boyfriend’ Alert*

REBECCA: No I’m better on my own. And the plot needs me to be by myself so that Robert can come and yell at me later outside the clinic. But I’m telling you all this now so that you’ll show up too for further plot things.

[The Cafe with Rebecca and Victoria]

VICTORIA: Hey, you’re still pregnant and I’m not. Do you want this gross test back that I’ve been carrying around for days for no reason. I hear people like to keep them.

REBECCA: Only if they’re keeping the baby, which I’m not for the moment.

VICTORIA: I didn’t realize. Is Ross not being perfect through all of this? Cause it’s just as much his fault as it is yours.

REBECCA: Yeah if it were Ross’s kid it would be an even split of the blame but since it’s Robert’s, I’m definitely just the victim in all of this because he needs to look like the bad guy. But Ross has been surprisingly understanding for the sake of the plot and comparison to Robert. But he’s not looking to add another random child to his screen time and I’m not allowed to have this baby because Robert is evil so…

VICTORIA: But are you sure? *Sounds of fandom screaming SHUT UP VIC!*

REBECCA: I’ve made up my mind *Fandom sigh*

[Cafe with Victoria and Adam]

ADAM: Hey Babe, I know you’re upset about not being pregnant but let’s just tease a Bartsugsy double date *Fan Baiting Alert*

VICTORIA: The fans wouldn’t enjoy it right now but I’m not in the mood anyway. Let’s just forget about getting pregnant for now. The plot wants me to be sad about not having a baby I desperately want while my idiot brother and his one night stand run around arguing over getting rid of theirs.

ADAM: Oh come on Babe! It’s just plot, it’s nothing to get upset over!

[Dale View with Ross and Pete]

PETE: Our taxi firm is failing because there’s no way it ever should have worked anyway. We need money.

ROSS: Huh? Sorry I’m really distracted by my not really girlfriend aborting the baby that’s not mine anyway. But money, yeah. *Files that thought away for a later scene* Look, the plot needs me to go stand outside a clinic at the perfect time to see Robert and Bex arguing. I have to hurry. I can’t be late.

[Robert and Rebecca outside the clinic]

ROBERT: Please Bex!

REBECCA: Please what, Robert? Please tell you I did the thing so you can go back to your life like this storyline was never planned in the first place? *Fan’s Screaming YES PLEASE!*

ROBERT: You better not have changed your mind because the fans still need to have hope that this will all go away.

REBECCA: It’s not a quick fix, Robert. I have to wait!

ROBERT: What the hell for?

REBECCA: Do you really want all the details?

ROBERT: Actually yes and the audience would too. Do explain.

REBECCA: Well, first I have to actually have an ultrasound to make sure this plot is really happening and we’re not getting out of it that easily. Then I have to arbitrarily wait a month after that.

ROBERT: Why? That can’t be right.

REBECCA: (EMILY: Because you and Danny have holidays to go on, Ryan. Maybe the fans can blame you for this story being dragged out more instead of sending me hate)

ROBERT: (RYAN: Right. I’ve got a Brazilian wedding to go to with my perfect wife. Wow, I’m so glad I never got forced into being on social media!)

ROBERT: Bex, I’m so sorry about all of this, really. I don’t want the audience to think I’m all bad. I’ve really grown as a person this last year and a half.

REBECCA: Yeah, but last time you told me that it wasn’t the right time for us but if I accidentally got pregnant again when you slept with me on one of your bad days, that we would get to play happy families! I am such an idiot to have ever listened to a word you said!

ROBERT: Now you’re getting it. But I did mean it at the time, honest!

REBECCA: I don’t even care anymore *Speaking for the fandom, unfortunately*

ROSS: *watches from afar and starts generating an idea to move the plot along*

[Rebecca and Ross at Home Farm]

ROSS: *being shifty* Hey how are you?

REBECCA: Still pregnant. Have to wait a month for reasons out of my control.

ROSS: *still being shifty* Shame, you should have taken someone with you, a friend perhaps. Maybe a certain tall blonde who’s currently shacked up with his bit of rough.

REBECCA: Nope, I was totally on my own. There was no one else there and that’s fine with me.

ROSS: You know what, we were barely in a relationship anyway and it was only for various plot reasons. Remember that time I made out with you so that the woman I actually pine over could steal money from your family! That was fun. Anyway. I think we should end our non existent thing.

REBECCA: Yeah, fine, sure. If you don’t mind though, I’m going to cry after you shut the door because I’m still working on that audience sympathy thing.

[Adam and Victoria in the Woolpack kitchen]

ADAM: No double date *Fan Baiting False Alarm*

VICTORIA: It’s fine, they wouldn’t have been that happy about it.

ADAM: I’m sorry the plot still won’t let us get pregnant. We should go to the doctor and find out why. Now that I’ve decided I really want this baby, I will of course be the problem. But I love you, Vic, and I probably won’t do anything at all to screw that up after I find out I’m the problem.

VICTORIA: Love you too babe!

[Pete, Ross, Robert and Aaron in the Pub]

PETE: We’re still struggling for money. It’s all Finn’s fault.

ROSS: I know a way we can get the money!

AARON: *Phone Rings* It’s Liv. Let me go in the back and leave you to the plot Robert, so I can remain in the dark about everything.

ROSS: Hey, Rob, I bet your husband would love to know that Rebecca is carrying your baby. Don’t even bother trying to deny it. I was, of course, standing outside the clinic while you were arguing with Rebecca.

ROBERT: You’re crazy! I’m with Aaron. In fact I’m going to go talk to him now because I’m starting to panic.

[Robert and Aaron in the back room of the pub]

AARON: Sandra is still conveniently not doing well we Liv and my mum have to stay put. (DANNY: Lucy and Isobel’s time off is really messing with the pacing of this storyline.)

ROBERT: We should totally go and visit. We never got a honeymoon because the plot had to have you go to prison so that you could spiral and we could fight and I could do….stuff…so we should go now and see your mum who hates me and your sister. (RYAN: But we have holidays too Danny, so we’re all screwing it up)

AARON: I don’t know, this seems suspicious but okay, we’ll go. As long as you can get time off work.

ROBERT: We’ve covered this, I only do my job when it serves the plot or I need an excuse. Plus, I’d do anything for you! *Reminds the audience that I love you and only you*

[Robert and Ross in the Pub]

ROSS: Running away Robert?

ROBERT: Yes, it’s the logical thing to do. We have to drag this out as long as possible but I still want to enjoy time with my husband so we can’t be here.

ROSS: Maybe I should tell Aaron anyway.

ROBERT: No, don’t! I really want to enjoy the next two weeks. What do you want?

ROSS: Money of course.

ROBERT: Now that I’ve finally been allowed to say I have money again, I’m not paying you a penny.

ROSS: Then I’ll just tell Aaron that you and Rebecca were at it when he was banged up in prison. Wow, this storyline is really harsh! I’d like five grand please. I think Aaron’s worth it, don’t you?

ROBERT: *Looks really guilty* Good thing Aaron can’t see my face right now.

Chapter Text

13 April 2017

[Aaron, Charity and Robert in the back room of the pub]

CHARITY: So Aaron, got the all clear from your probation officer to leave the country?

AARON: Yep, he understands that I have to leave for plot reasons. Totally fine with it.

ROBERT: *looking shifty* Hey Aaron, I have to go to the “scrapyard” and sort out some plot things. This is totally normal, actually it really is, that’s bad. But don’t worry, I’ll be back before you know it.

AARON: *Shoves food in mouth* *Audience cheers because at least Aaron is doing what Aaron does best, eating bread based meals* How many times have I heard that before? Actually *nom nom nom bread is good* I have heard that a lot before and it’s never a good thing and…oh! I almost had it…damn!

ROBERT: *Whew!* I got nervous there for a second that you were actually going to get suspicious. Don’t worry, we’ve got at least fifteen minutes of episode before we have to leave so that people can actually be moved by Ashley’s funeral episode that’s on next without having to put up with this awful storyline as a distraction.

AARON: Fine then, go on. I’ll just be here, stuffing my face. It’s what makes the people happy.

[Robert in the hallway on the phone]

ROBERT: I’m getting the money together. Stop hassling me, Ross, I know you want out of this storyline as quick as possible, but you still need to motivate me a little more to leave really quickly.

[Robert and Ross at Dale View]

ROSS: So…where’s my incentive to motivate you to leave? Have you got it?

ROBERT: Yeah…well half of it because I need this plot thread to still be hanging when Aaron and I get back. I’m afraid I can’t let you out of things just yet. You know too much and you might just be needed later to screw me over when the time is right.

ROSS: That wasn’t the deal, mate. They told me I was done after this!

ROBERT: Take it or leave it Ross. I’m trying to look like I’m in control here.

ROSS: Oh but you’re not mate, I’ve really got you over a barrel.

ROBERT: Not when Bex finds out you’ve been blackmailing me. Ha! Look at that leverage. Me holding your barely relationship with my one night stand and mother of my hopefully soon to be aborted child over you is totally going to make you putty in my hands!

ROSS: Didn’t you hear, mate, the walking womb and I broke up. It’s not like we were ever really dating. Just had a few drunken shags, but unlike you we were super careful about protection. So, I don’t care about your threats.

ROBERT: How dare you take my leverage, now I look like a lying, cheating, baby murdering, idiot who can’t even be intimidating to a common thug!

ROSS: *Holds out hand for money* And how is that different from most days lately?

ROBERT: *hands him the money* You just wait, I’m totally going to get you back for this. I need you to be suitably pissed off at me for those potential future plots!

[Ross and Pete at Dale View]

PETE: *on the phone* Where are you Finn? You’re not even here and you’re still messing things up. But don’t hurry back, no one has really missed you.

ROSS: Hey bro, got the money, well not all of it, but I will do soon. We can get that second cab that no one can actually drive right now because we only have one driver.

PETE: Better not be something dodgy. Can’t have you getting banged up, because then we’ll have no one to drive our cabs since Finn is still not back.

ROSS: Don’t worry about it. I’ve got this all figured out. There’s no way I’m not getting this money. It’s in the plot!

[Aaron and Robert and Robert’s Porsche outside the pub]

ROBERT: Right let’s go Aaron. I need to not pay Ross the rest of the blackmail money. We need to leave fast so I can leave this loose thread. Plus, people are really getting sick of us. We owe them a break. Also, I’m not calm and chill about any of this so it’s really lucky that the plot still calls for you to be completely oblivious to my obvious panicked nature lately.

AARON: One second, Robert, I just have to arbitrarily run back inside. I’m sure this will give you a moment to do some stupidly plotty things behind my back.

[Robert on the phone to Rebecca]

ROBERT: *Sees Ross leaving his house* *Looks really panicked and shifty* Gosh that was an apt nickname Paddy gave me, who knew? I hope he never finds out about this or he will have a field day. Let’s see, Aaron’s still inside for a few more seconds, how can I be stupid without him here? I know! I’ll call Bex! She will totally care about Ross and what he’s doing to me.

ROBERT: *To Rebecca’s voicemail* Hey Bex, it’s me, I just wanted to leave you this voicemail telling you explicitly that Ross is blackmailing me about being the father of your child. I’m sure this will not backfire on me at all. No one besides you will ever listen to this voicemail. I mean…unless the plot decides to not go my way, which has also never happened me. I’ll be fine. Bye!

[Robert and Aaron in the Porsche and Ross on the phone]

ROBERT: All set to drive off and leave this plot behind for a while?

AARON: Yep, totally! I’m sure the fans will appreciate it too.

ROBERT: Definitely, and notice that I am the picture of calm as I hurriedly get into the car as fast as I possibly can.

ROSS: *on the phone* Alright mate, I’m totally going to have that money soon to buy that car.

ROBERT: *Drives by Ross faster than the speed of the plot*

ROSS: *still on the phone* Never mind. This plot sucks!

Chapter Text

14 April 2017 - The Very Special Mauritius Episode

[Sandra’s hospital room with Robert, Aaron, Chas, Liv and Sandra]

CHAS: *gives Aaron a big hug* Oh love, it's so good to see you. I'm so sorry the plot kept me from being there when you got out of that, in the end, completely pointless prison storyline. I hope you weren't tortured to much.

AARON: It was pretty bad. It's my own fault for crying so well. I missed you too though mum.

CHAS: (LUCY: It’s so nice that all of our time off converged to screw up the plot more and allow our characters to spend this time off screen together)

AARON: (DANNY: Yep. It really was great timing. Hopefully when we get back the pace of the plot can settle down a bit)

AARON: *goes to give Liv a hug conveniently out of earshot*

CHAS: Robert *major side eye* I trust you haven't told him about the incident yet. I mean I really want to tell him myself but the plot won't let me.

ROBERT: Don't worry Chas, even though I was totally going to be honest with him at the prison, once the plot stopped you it also stopped me. And it's only gotten worse from there.

CHAS: Worse how, Robert?

ROBERT: I'm sorry, Chas, the plot says you have to stay in the dark about this one too. I'm just going to look panicked and shifty around you for this entire trip.

CHAS: Perfect. I love watching you squirm. Especially now that the plot has destroyed all of our relationship development and I hate you again. I'm just going to give you evils the whole time you're here.

ROBERT: I would expect nothing less.

AARON: It's so great to see you Liv. I'm so glad the plot gave Robert a reason to rush us off here. And when I say rush, I mean it. Should have seen how fast Robert was driving out of the village.

LIV: It's great to see you too, big bro. Shouldn't you two be more careful when it comes to cars.

AARON: You'd think so. Don't worry though, I think Robert's Porsche has Plot insurance. I do really miss the Audi though. No idea what happened to that one.

LIV: You know, just because my mum was a plot device for me to be off screen, doesn't mean you had to drop everything and leave too.

AARON: Sandra’s a plot device for all of us, and I do want to be here. Thanks though, Sandra.

PLOT DEVICE SANDRA: No problem, anything for the plot.

[On a random beach with Robert and Aaron, gratuitously shirtless *Fan Baiting Alert*]

ROBERT: *Hands Aaron and excessively fruity drink with an umbrella in it*

AARON: You do not honestly expect me to drink this.

ROBERT: Come on Aaron, when in Mauritius! And we’re celebrating!

AARON: Fine, but I’m perfectly able to celebrate with a good pint. I thought we were here to see my mum and Liv anyway.

ROBERT: We are, and we did. But we’re away from our awful storyline right now, so we should enjoy it. *Sips own fruity drink to avoid looking guilty and shifty over the plot*

AARON: I suppose. It is exhausting not knowing what’s going on.

ROBERT: And besides, Chas was giving me evils over plot things that you know nothing about and she has no idea how bad they’ve even gotten. If we’d stayed any longer, I might just have cracked.

AARON: I knew there was something plotty going on between you two!

ROBERT: *Looks utterly panicked as usual*

AARON: Don’t worry so much, I’ve still got plot brain and know nothing.

ROBERT: *Whew!* That’s a relief. Let’s just have some cute banter for the fans.

AARON: Oh I do love our cute banter, it’s what we’re best at.

ROBERT: Well, that...and other things that we can’t show the audience pre watershed.

AARON: I do love those things too. It’s a good thing we hint at them often enough so that the fans know our sex life is really good.

ROBERT: It is really good. We could give them a little kiss at least.

AARON: *Leans in* *Kiss* - for the fans

ROBERT: Happy Anniversary Aaron! *clinks their glasses together*

AARON: Yeah, cheers! *smiles* *heart eyes* It’s been a good year.

ROBERT: It has. I’m sure next year will go just as smoothly. *Internal panic* *External panic*
*Gulps down drink to avoid looking too shifty*

AARON: Maybe we could at least cut down on the kidnapping.

ROBERT: I can’t promise anything Aaron, we’re slaves to the plot, especially me.

AARON: True enough. To the plot then!

ROBERT: To the plot!

Chapter Text

22 April 2017

[Sandra’s hospital room with Robert, Aaron, Chas, Liv and Sandra]

AARON: It's great to see you looking so much better Sandra.

ROBERT: Is it though?

AARON: Robert!

ROBERT: I'm just saying, the sooner she's on the mend, the sooner we’ll have to get back to our storyline and I've really been enjoying this time away in denial land.

AARON: Don’t let the plot get you down. We've got celebrating to do!

CHAS: Did someone say plot? *glares at Robert* *gets close enough to whisper super subtly in his ear* You better not say anything to my precious boy about the plot. He's been through enough. I don't like you, never did if you'll recall all those times I used to tell you to your face, but right now you're still making him happy and I want him to stay that way. So you'll just have to live with the guilt.

ROBERT: Don't worry Chas, even though I'm perfecting my guilty look for audience sympathy, I still have enough of a need for self preservation to keep quiet. He makes me happy too and I'm desperate not to lose that.

LIV: *punches Robert in the arm* So I hear it's your birthday today. How ancient are you now?

AARON: *bites his lip to suppress a laugh*

ROBERT: 31 *reluctant sigh*

LIV: Yep, practically decrepit.

CHAS: Oi! Don't worry Robert, I'm hardly sticking up for you. I still hate you right now, I just don't like what she's implying.

LIV: Hey how come we didn't celebrate your birthday last year? 30. That was a big one.

ROBERT: Because the plot brought us you instead.

LIV: Oh…

[On a random beach with Robert and Aaron. *More gratuitous shirtlessness* *Fan Baiting Alert*]

AARON: *Brings over two piña coladas* Happy Birthday Robert!

ROBERT: I thought you preferred pints.

AARON: Well, as you said, when in Mauritius…

ROBERT: Wish we could stay forever.

AARON: I know, but I'm glad we're here for your birthday this year at least, since we never did get that Barcelona trip. Our holidays are always getting cancelled due to the plot. And I'm sorry we didn't get to celebrate your birthday last year. We weren't even on screen. Didn’t even get a mention. I feel almost guilty I got to celebrate mine two years in a row.

ROBERT: That's the plot for you. Your birthdays were integral to it and mine wasn't. It's okay though, the fans celebrated it enough for me last year. Doubt they will this year though.

AARON: They still love you...well most of them. I'm sure they'll do something for you.

ROBERT: Yeah, they're a good bunch, that lot. Also, despite completely derailing our reunion, I am glad Liv came into our lives. At least she inadvertently gave us a holiday for my birthday this year.

AARON: True! To Liv! *clinks their glasses together*

ROBERT: To Liv!

AARON: I am sorry she got in the way of us at the beginning though. Remember how far apart we used to stand from each other all the time?

ROBERT: Yeah, I'm glad we got over that. *reaches out and takes Aaron's hand* *threads their fingers together* *looks longingly into his husband’s eyes* *does his best to block out the plot and enjoy the moment* *sets drink down and runs his other hand through Aaron's fluffy gel free hair* *stokes his cheek* *pulls him in and kisses his forehead* *lets their foreheads lean against each other and their noses rub together* *flicks his gaze from his beautiful blue eyes to his lips and lets his tongue dart out and lick over his own lips* *leans in and kisses Aaron on the lips hard* *kisses his cheek, his jaw and then his neck*

AARON: What was all that for?

ROBERT: Just a little something for the fans. We should do a back hug, they've always wanted one of those.

AARON: You seem really interested in pleasing the fans right now. This plot I know nothing about really must be bad.

ROBERT: You have no idea…

AARON: That's kinda the point I think.

ROBERT: Yeah, suppose. And it's only going to get worse I think.

AARON: You think?

ROBERT: I mean probably but even I don't know what's going on anymore. There are so many theories. *sighs* I don't want to talk about the plot anymore.

AARON: Well what do you want to talk about then?

ROBERT: Maybe I don't want to talk at all… *suggestive smirk*

AARON: Well it is your birthday and this is a conveniently secluded spot.

ROBERT: I thought you didn't have sex outdoors…

AARON: I think I've already proved you wrong on that account. Besides, I was totally willing to fuck you in that layby the first time you kissed me.

ROBERT: That's true. I'm sorry I screwed that up. Don't know what I was thinking.

AARON: You always do get in your own way. *straddles Robert* - for the fans - So stop thinking about the plot and anything else and let's celebrate your birthday properly.

ROBERT: I do love you Aaron, no matter what the plot throws at us.

AARON: I love you too *leans down and kisses him*

*Camera pans away* *Pre Watershed eyes might be watching* *implied sex* - for the fans

Chapter Text

28 April 2017

[Beach side cafe with Robert and Aaron having breakfast]

AARON: *munches on toast* - for the fans. Robert! Will you put your phone away! I’m eating bread products here and you’re not even enjoying it.

ROBERT: Have you see this though? *scrolls through articles on phone* The Plot is seriously out to get me. Can we just not go back? I really don’t want to go back!

AARON: Yeah I read it. I mean most of it was redacted for the protection of my plot!brain but the gist of it is the same old, same old. We’ll be together forever no matter what the plot throws at us. Nothing new there.

ROBERT: But what if the plot in between our amazing make up sex turns people off?! What if they leave?

AARON: There will always be something to pull them back in. Did you see we’re gonna get a second wedding? *FAN BAITING ALERT*

ROBERT: Hey, maybe it’ll actually be legal this time. *FAN BITTERNESS ALERT*

AARON: And, there was something in there about a candle lit dinner at the Grange. *FAN BAITING ALERT* I mean, not my top choice of venue, still trying to get you back to Bar West, but we’ve never actually been on a date. I think it’ll be nice.

ROBERT: Suppose…

AARON: Besides, a bunch of the fans don’t really care about the Plot. They’ll love us no matter what, even if it is out of spite to our creators.

ROBERT: Are you sure?

AARON: Well, first, you need to stop reading Metro. Try ao3! We do a lot better over there. Maybe…just skip past all of the break up fics though.

- 3 hours later -

AARON: Robert! Come on! I’ve eaten like seventy-five pieces of toast while you’ve been sitting there staring at your phone. Let’s go do something! I’m bored…and really full. This contractually obligated to eat in every scene thing is really starting to affect me. (DANNY: I’m gonna need to go call Simon for some tips)

ROBERT: Sorry! Just one more chapter! I actually have consistent character development in this! Do you have any idea what this means to me?

AARON: I do. I actually get to go to therapy in those. It’s nice to be more well adjusted and healthy, even if I’ll always struggle. In any case, I know you’ll always be there for me.

ROBERT: Always. I got therapy in one of these too. Wow! I have a lot of unresolved issues that the Plot will never let me deal with.

AARON: So…can we go now?

ROBERT: Two more sentences…okay…let me just see if the next chapter is…what?! It’s not done? *furiously typing* -Love this! Please update soon!- Right, we can go now.

AARON: Back to bed?

ROBERT: Definitely. I read some things in here I want to try!

Chapter Text

2 May 2017

[Hotel room with Robert and Aaron. Late morning.]

AARON: Robert we do not need to extend our honeymoon another week. Seriously, we have to go back sometime. That’s like five weeks away.

ROBERT: *totally engrossed in something on his phone* mhmm

AARON: Are you even listening to me?
ROBERT: *looks up in a daze, dark circles under his eyes* Huh?

AARON: Did you even sleep last night after we…

ROBERT: Had amazing sex where we tried-

AARON: Robert!

ROBERT: It’s fine, we’re off screen, where I intend to stay as long as possible, we can say whatever we want.

AARON: We do have to go back, Robert. What the hell do we need another week for?

ROBERT: Do you have any idea just how much fan fic is on this site?

AARON: I never should have shown it to you. Have you seriously been up all night reading?

ROBERT: Have you read this eternal sunshine au? The fans all swear by it. I think I’m finally getting to the part where I find out my memory’s been erased.

AARON: Hey, maybe you can have my memory erased after I find out about the plot!

ROBERT: If only I could have everyone’s memory erased. We’d all be better off.

AARON: So we’re really staying another week just so you can read everything on that site?

ROBERT: Well, I mean not all of it. Some of it is wildly out of character and I’m not fond of the ones where one of us dies. Also…if it doesn’t have paragraph breaks or correct grammar, I’m out pretty quick.

AARON: I’ve created a monster. I’m gonna go see Liv.

ROBERT: Oi! Not so fast! *pulls him down for a dirty kiss* - for them and the fans. Come back soon. I read this one where-

AARON: Bye Robert.

Chapter Text

3 May 2017

[Unknown location in the Village because apparently no one cares]

REBECCA: *Blink* Soooo….aren’t I a part of this plot? That’s what I was led to believe. I know my sole purpose for existence is off screen right now, but surely I could be doing things?! Don’t I have a family? It’s been so long since I’ve seen them, even though I live with them, I’ve forgotten. I swear I had potential once.

Another episode passes…

REBECCA: *Blinks again* Hello?! Is this plot even a plot anymore?! I feel so out of the loop…

Another episode passes…

REBECCA: *Blinks more* Anyone there?! Anyone at all? Am I pregnant or not? If you could just let me know, thanks.

Another episode passes…

REBECCA: *Blinks rapidly* So when are Robert and Aaron coming back?

Chapter Text

4 May 2017

[On the Beach in Mauritius with Robert and Aaron]

AARON: I’m glad I managed to get your to come out of the hotel for at least an hour. How is the reading going by the way?

ROBERT: Pretty good. I’ve worked my way through all of the multi chapter fics and now I’m going back and reading all of the one shots.

AARON: Your new vocabulary is starting to scare me. So…I’ve been doing some reading too…

ROBERT: Didn’t you tell me to stay away from Metro!

AARON: Yeah, well, I just feel really in the dark here and I just want to know something! Anything really! So I hear we have some big moments coming up and I’m just wondering if that’s part of why we’ve been able to be away for so long.

ROBERT: Hell if I know!

AARON: I also saw something about a ‘cheating husband who finally confesses his betrayal when he can’t live with his guilt anymore’ and I just wondered if…

ROBERT: Well I mean I hope it meant me. Reading all this fan fic, I’ve seen how well it works when we actually communicate with each other. I mean in these, it’s usually after a whole lot of angst, but I’m pretty sure we’ve already got that part covered.

AARON: May the Plot be with you then, Robert!

ROBERT: I know.

Chapter Text

9 May 2017

[Rum tasting with Robert and Aaron in their matching sunglasses *Fan Baiting Alert*]

AARON: Finally got tired of fruity cocktails on the beach huh?

ROBERT: Well we should at least see more of Mauritius than the beach, the hospital and our hotel room.

AARON: Why? *Suggestive wink* *already a bit tipsy on the rum*

ROBERT: Fair point *lopsided grin* but other than Jamaica, Mauritius has some of the best rum in the world.

AARON: This is what happens when I let you stay up watching Pirates of the Caribbean isn't it?

ROBERT: Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum! Ooh try this one!

AARON: *takes a generous sip* So I saw you booked our flight home during your 3am movie marathon. The date was redacted though. You gonna tell me exactly when we're going?

ROBERT: Can't do that yet. But hey, something for you to look forward to! While we've been away, the Plot elves have been hard at work on the Mill so it's totally going to be ready for us to move into when we get back even though the last time we were in it, it was nowhere near done.

AARON: Great! I can't wait to see it finished. Looking forward to dragging you up to our new bedroom too. *another suggestive wink*

ROBERT: *looks extremely guilty* *hides guilt face behind another glass of rum*

AARON: Something wrong?

ROBERT: Just the Plot. I think it's finally going to catch up to me when we get back.

AARON: Do I finally get to learn what's going on?

ROBERT: Pretty sure…

AARON: Can't wait!

ROBERT: You're gonna regret saying that. I've decided I'm wearing the Lodge shirt that day.

AARON: Your Breakdown shirt? Oi, this must be bad then. Are there exposed radiators in the new place?

ROBERT: I hope not. And I promise you I don't think the Plot is going to put a probably illegally acquired firearm in my hands either.

AARON: Whew! That's a relief. Hey, look on the bright side, at least you're not wearing The Breakup shirt!

ROBERT: I burned it. And if they resurrect it like they keep doing with that blue shirt with the crosses that the bloodstains really shouldn't have come out of last time, I'm going to refuse to wear it. I love you Aaron and I'm not going to let my wardrobe come between us.

AARON: Not unless you wear that floral shirt you haven't worn since Holly’s funeral. Then I'm going to have to divorce you.

ROBERT: Don't lie, you secretly love that shirt.

AARON: *hides his smirk behind his glass* I have no idea what you mean…but I do love you.

*Robert pulls him in for a sloppy rum kiss, determined to enjoy this as much as he can before he inevitably has to go back into that bedroom*

Chapter Text

18 May 2017

[Undisclosed location in the Village because still...no one cares]

REBECCA: *scrolls through phone* *reads ten different articles with the same quotes* I still don’t get it? Am I actually pregnant or not? I mean I know everyone is supposed to feel sorry for me cause Robert is evil, but I still don’t see any proof that I’m pregnant. I mean, I’m still carrying around this gross test that Victoria, my new best friend, gave back to me because it’s all I have. I’d really love to go to the doctor though. Shouldn’t I be on like, prenatal vitamins or something? *On the phone with wardrobe* So...I’m not getting any new clothes? I know my oversized fur coats hide a lot, but it is May. I’m not going to be wearing them in the summer right? I don’t have a hat big enough to cover this if it’s really happening?!

...a few hours later…

REBECCA: *still scrolling through phone* Oh look! A new article! Nope, same thing. *Sighs*

Chapter Text

22 May 2017

[Robert’s Car, idling in front of the Emmerdale sign, before the episode begins]

AARON: We’re here now Robert, if we don’t go in soon we’re gonna miss our cue.

ROBERT: Maybe if we do, we can throw them off their game and fix this story ourselves.

AARON: Robert!

ROBERT: I just really don’t want to tell you about the Plot Aaron! I mean, I do, because I’ve had at least some character growth and I want to be the one to tell you even though they think I need multiple people putting pressure on me to get me to do it. I swear though Aaron, I wanted to tell you a long time ago but I wasn’t allowed to. I hope you remember that when the moment finally comes.

AARON: I’ll do my best. Hey cheer up though, we’ve got a new house to move into! I’ve seen the pictures. It looks great! Totally digging the triceratops on the shelves above the telly by the way.

ROBERT: Well, I know how much you love fossils and I used to have a Jurassic Park poster in my room when I was a kid. Though I think now, maybe I was more into Jeff Goldblum than the dinosaurs, but yeah, dinosaurs are awesome!

AARON: I didn’t see any toasters in the pictures though. You did remember to buy one right? I mean, I don’t think Charity would like it if I nicked the one from the pub. But I’ll do it if I have to.

ROBERT: I think your life of crime and the Plot’s need to punish you for it has done enough damage to our storyline. Don’t worry, I remembered to buy a toaster.

AARON: It’s not some like crazy futuristic thing to match those ridiculous white drawers without handles that I notice you got your way on, because I just want to be able to make toast, plain and simple toast.

ROBERT: You’ll be able to make toast Aaron, that I promise you. I can’t promise much else about your life right now, but I can assure you that you and toast will live happily ever after.

AARON: Good! I do love my toast. Now back to the rest of the kitchen. I noticed the cupboards don’t have handles either.

ROBERT: They still open Aaron and they’ve been well stocked with thick cut white bread for your toast as well as Jammy Dodgers and Pink Wafers and whatever else you’re into.

AARON: Oi! Let’s not get into the biscuit discourse again or we’ll never get back to the Plot!

ROBERT: Precisely!

AARON: Robert, I love you. The Plot allowed us to get a house together and let you get your way on half the decor. There’s no way the Plot is actually going split us up for good and leave me with just those handleless drawers. Let’s just get back, yeah, go check out that bedroom, give the fans something to talk about. I’ve been practicing my one handed button undoing technique too, it’s in peak form. Nice bed selection, by the way, too small and perfect for snuggling!

ROBERT: You might wish that bed was bigger by the end of the week.

AARON: Well the sofa looked comfy.

ROBERT: Oh I made sure…*Practices Guilty Face for later* *Peak Guilty Face Achieved*

*Rebecca appears from her unknown location*

AARON: Wait...is that? What is she just waiting for us to get back?

ROBERT: *sighs* I’m terrified she’s always going to be there Aaron. I’m so sorry the Plot made me bring her here.

AARON: Look, I’m not going to let the Plot ruin our marriage, or destroy my love for you, Robert. Just give us a kiss for the fans and let’s go get this over with. We’ll never be able to move on until we do.

ROBERT: I love you too Aaron. I promise one day we’ll get to have a mutual I love you that’s not painful. *Runs fingers through Aaron’s perfectly fluffy hair and then grabs his face with both hands and pulls him in for a lingering kiss* - for the fans! -

*The car lurches forward, heading back into the village as slow as the speed of The Drought in an effort to drag out this storyline as long as possible*

AARON: Just remember Robert, if all else fails, we’ll always have fanfiction.

Chapter Text

22 May 2017 - Part 2

[In Robert’s Porsche outside the Woolpack]

ROBERT: Thanks for taking over driving Aaron. I just couldn’t do it after all. You know we’ve come so far from me threatening you to not to touch my car and then having sex afterwards to me actually letting you drive it...and probably still having sex afterwards...well..eventually...cause your my husband now and we have all the time in the world...well…

AARON: If you mention the Plot one more time Robert!

ROBERT: We’re back now, we’re gonna have to deal with it!

[Out of Robert’s Porsche outside the Woolpack]

(RYAN: *groan...groan* I really need them to let Robert get a new car. I don’t know if I can keep getting out of this one with it so low to the ground. Damn my dodgy knee!)

(DANNY: *gets up and out with no problem* Don’t know what you’re talking about mate, it’s pretty easy!)

ROBERT: You’re missing her already aren’t you?

AARON: Who? Me mum?

ROBERT: No Aaron. Keep up. Liv, you know, your sister, the plot device that let us escape for five weeks.

AARON: Right right. So what if I am? It was nice being away from the Plot I know nothing about.

ROBERT: Let’s just hope a holiday cured all of our problems.

AARON: Yeah, it’s a shame it had to come to an end. It’s also a shame that your tan is so weird and blotchy? What happened? I told you to put sun cream on! (DANNY: Seriously though, what happened mate? Your Brazilian tan looked way more natural)

ROBERT: (RYAN: it’s not my fault the makeup department decided to go extra orange. They’ve always struggled with foundation for me. You look great though *heart eyes*) Hey, as of now, things can only get better. Nevermind, don’t believe a word of that Aaron. I’m pretty sure they put that in here for irony.

AARON: *smiles trustingly anyway* *completely unaware of what is to come later in the week*

*Rebecca drives by in a fancy sports car* *Reminds the audience that only watches for Robron and probably half the general audience that she still exists*

ROBERT: Hey, Aaron, I’m randomly starving even though it’s just an excuse to go talk to Rebecca about the Plot. Think you can take care of all of the manual labor of getting all of our heavy bags of duty free alcohol into the pub while I go take care of this? I promise you, you’re gonna find out about the Plot soon, whether you want to or not.

AARON: Yeah, alright, see ya in a bit. By the way, does this weird distance between us because you’re really distracted by the Plot remind you of the Chill at all?

ROBERT: Just a coincidence. It’ll pass. Go practice that button undoing technique some more.

[Robert and Rebecca outside Rebecca’s fancy sports car]

ROBERT: Rebecca! Long time no see! How come you haven’t been returning my calls?

REBECCA: Sorry Robert, I’ve had a lot on. That’s totally not true but I thought it best just to wait until you got back before I did pretty much anything, but you’re here now, so yay I’m relevant again!

ROBERT: Have you taken care of it? I’m gonna be really vague on purpose so that you have to say the word because you need to be sympathetic and I need to be a jerk. People have gotten too complacent about me while I’ve been away.

REBECCA: You mean have I had a termination? There, you happy now?!

ROBERT: *Guilty Face* No!

REBECCA: Since you asked, no, I haven’t.

ROBERT: *Annoyed Face* What?! What are you talking about?! We agreed! I thought you only had to arbitrarily wait a month! It’s been longer than that. That’s why I stayed away an extra week.

REBECCA: Relax! I’ve got an appointment this afternoon. I had to wait until you were back for maximum drama and to remind you that you’ve got a guilty conscience and need to talk to your husband...I mean, my best friend that I’m really sorry I’ve hurt with all of this.

ROBERT: Right, he’s not your friend you know. What time’s the appointment?

REBECCA: Why? You want to make sure I actually go through with it this time? I told you, I’ll take care of it. Probably.

*Ross lurks in the background* *Reminds the audience that he’s still a part of this story too...for reasons no one really understands*

ROBERT: Fine. What about him? *nods to Ross*

ROSS: *cheeky grin to say sorry mate, still involved*

REBECCA: He’s not gonna tell Aaron. Don’t worry. He’s just here to put more pressure on you so you’ll tell him yourself.

ROBERT: Yeah and how much is that pressure gonna cost me?

REBECCA: Nothing. Says he’s got other storylines to be involved in...like something about cows…? Don’t know, I’ve been away awhile.

ROBERT: And you believe him?

REBECCA: It’s Emmerdale. If there were going to be a story about cows, this would be the show.

ROBERT: Ugh fine. Just tell me when it’s all done. I’m so tired of this storyline.

*Debbie and Sarah drive up*

DEBBIE: Talk about shifty…

REBECCA: Oh, do you call him Mr. Shifty too?

DEBBIE: Yeah, everyone does!

*Blah blah other storylines are happening. Turns out there really is something to do with cows. Rebecca tries desperately to find another storyline...goes on a date with Debbie...okay not really but wouldn’t that be better*

[Rebecca on the phone in the Woolpack]

REBECCA: Hey, I know you’ve been trying to get a hold of me about that abortion appointment but you see, I have to fit about five weeks worth of being conflicted into like three days because my sole reason for being has been on holiday and only just got back, so I just wasn’t up to it today. I have however, in the time it took for me to say that really run on sentence, decided that I am actually going to do it...I think. So...can I schedule another appointment? Tomorrow? That soon? Right...okay. I’ll see if I can work with that. *Hangs up* *Blink Blink* *Works on Conflicted Face* *Blink*

Chapter Text

23 May 2017

[Outside the Woolpack with Robert, Aaron, Victoria, and Rebecca]

ROBERT: You do remember your last party don’t you? Rebecca got invited for the Plot and we ended up with a life size Zayn cutout.

AARON: Yeah...right. I also punched you in the face. I’ll try not to do that this time around. That thirty seconds of counseling I had before our holiday really helped me out.

ROBERT: Well that’s reassuring.

AARON: Hey, Vic! We’re having a party at our house that’s totally finished even though we haven’t been here to work on it. It’s on a Thursday so there’s sure to be drama of some kind. What do you say?

VICTORIA: I say Adam’s probably going to be there so…

AARON: *well yeah he’s my best mate even if we haven’t had scenes together in ages face*

ROBERT: *Guilty ‘why do our stories have to mirror each other’s so much and you mentioning Adam makes me remember my own mistake as if I needed reminding’ Face*

VICTORIA: But that’s my problem, not yours, because even though we’re family we don’t talk about the things that really matter like the potential end of my marriage. So...yeah...of course I’ll come.

AARON: *Great glad that worked out face*

ROBERT: *Sorry Vic it’s not like I don’t care I’m just dealing with the potential end of my own marriage but I’m trying to look like nothing’s wrong face*

*Rebecca walks by*

VICTORIA: Plot! Plot! Plot! Hey, what are you doing on Thursday?

AARON: *Vic she doesn’t need to be in all of our scenes face* #Relatable

VICTORIA: Sorry the Plot made me do it!

AARON: House warming party.

REBECCA: Oh so you guys are almost ready to move in...because the last time I was there it was hardly finished.

ROBERT: *Peak Guilty Face*

AARON: I’m obligated by the Plot to ask if you’re going to come.

REBECCA: No...I really don’t need to be in all of your scenes...I’m trying to find a new storyline...I mean...work

AARON: It’s gonna be in the evening so your excuse totally won’t work.

ROBERT: *stop falling victim to the Plot Aaron and let her not come face*

REBECCA: I...ummm...can you please just stop asking me. I don’t have any good excuses anymore but right now I’m in one of my I don’t want to be around Robert moods and I’d really appreciate you not trying to get me to go to your party.

AARON: Well...you know where to find us if you change your mind...which let’s face it...you probably will.

REBECCA: Probably. Thanks for the invite.

[The Cafe with Rebecca, Victoria and Bob]

REBECCA: *Conflicted thoughts* *Stares sadly at phone* *Conflicted thoughts*

VICTORIA: Hey Bob! Something frothy to go please because I’m never getting pregnant so I can drink as much coffee as I want!

BOB: Something frothy coming right up! Thanks for including me in this storyline. I always wanted to be in Plotdale!

VICTORIA: *Turns to Rebecca* Now...I’m not stalking you. The Plot insisted that I come help you with your very important decision because weeks ago it decided that I was your one and only confidant even though it doesn’t make a lot of sense.

REBECCA: Great...as long as we’re on the same page.

VICTORIA: So...I noticed you practicing your sad face…

REBECCA: I’m getting a lot of practice on that one but I’m fine, really.

VICTORIA: When’s your appointment?

REBECCA: Yesterday? But I didn’t go. Can you help me understand why because my motivations change on the hour and even I can’t keep up?

VICTORIA: It probably means you want this baby because why else would the Plot have brought me over here? I’m obviously very pro baby.

REBECCA: Well...you see...I’ve been here before. It was a last minute backstory change and I’m still not sure how I feel about all of it. You probably think I’m really awful since you want a baby so badly and the Plot won’t give you one.

VICTORIA: Retcons are forced on all of us. I don’t blame you. Your situation is your situation and mine is mine.

BOB: Frothy business at the counter! Time for this scene to be over! The fans love me!

REBECCA: Thanks for letting the Plot force you to come talk to me. I really needed the chat to better explain my situation to me and the audience.

VICTORIA: No problem and you know, since we have this great Plotship now, I’ll always be around when you need me!

[The Shop with Robert, David, Tracy, Bob and of course, Rebecca]

ROBERT: *piles a whole bunch of beer and frozen pizza on the counter*

DAVID: Wow! Expecting a nuclear attack?

ROBERT: I suppose you could call a major Plot reveal a nuclear attack, sure! But, no, actually it’s a housewarming party. You should come, both of you. Do you like how I act like I’m just inviting you casually when the reality is if I didn’t invite random people from the village, it would literally just be Vic and Adam on opposite sides of the room and probably Rebecca because we have no actual friends.

BOB: I can be your friend! It’s what the fandom wants!

ROBERT: Err...but you come with Brenda unfortunately...and I’m already doing a lot of disappointing the fans right now anyway so what’s one more thing. *Fandom OUTRAGE*

BOB: Oh...well we’re busy anyway, but if you ever want to please the fans again, I’m around!

TRACY: We’re too busy with our own Plot to come.

DAVID: Sorry, but you’ve got that Plot attack coming so the party probably won’t happen anyway.

*Rebecca walks in*

ROBERT: Hey Bex, long time no see, what’s it been, like ten minutes since we shared a scene? Sorry for earlier…

REBECCA: For what?

ROBERT: Existing?

REBECCA: Right, the Plot’s decided I hate you today, so your existence is definitely a problem.

ROBERT: *soft voice* - hey works on Aaron - Look, I’m really sorry for everything. I know you’re having a hard time and I’m trying to be genuine here. While I have it though, I want to throw money at this problem though and give you a holiday somewhere, anywhere you like. You choose.

REBECCA: A post-abortion holiday? No thanks. Now I really hate you today.

ROBERT: But you’re still not gonna say anything right? I’m not allowed to tell Aaron till Thursday so…

REBECCA: Correct. I am merely a servant of the Plot.

[The Pub with Rebecca, Ross, Robert, and Aaron]

REBECCA: *practicing sad face again*

ROSS: Victoria said she wanted you to know your Plotship is still strong and she asked me to bring you this non alcoholic beverage just so that I would be forced to come and talk to you while…

*Robert and Aaron walk in looking happy and adorable*

REBECCA: I hate him so much. He makes me sick.

ROSS: This week. #Relatable #PainfullyAccurate

*Robert and Aaron banter in the background* *The Fandom would give anything to know what they’re being so cute about*

REBECCA: Robert needs more motivation to tell Aaron the truth on Thursday. Can you please go blackmail him again.

ROSS: Is that the only reason I’m in this Plot?

REBECCA: Unless there’s a major twist, probably. Go on, get to it!

[The Pub with Robert, Aaron, Faith and Ross]

ROBERT: *Guilty Face*

AARON: Do you reckon we need entertainment?

ROBERT: Is my extremely orange face not entertaining enough?

AARON: Well we’ll have to cover it up for our drag act! #CharacterGrowth

FAITH: Oooh! Did someone say drag? That’s my cue. Short skirts boys. I want to see those legs.

ROBERT: Please stop flirting with me!

FAITH: But it’s so much fun! The fans need some light moments to spice things up a bit!

AARON: *grossed out face*

ROBERT: We don’t need entertainment if we have free booze. Then all those friends we don’t have are sure to come. Might even get a few randoms like at our wedding.

AARON: People will come because I’m a top bloke!

ROBERT: *giggle* *I’m a bottom bloke* - for the Bottom!Robert fans

AARON: I think the Plot is coming your way again. I’ll just disappear and go see Vic about making us some food for this party.

ROBERT: Thanks Aaron. I promise you won’t have to keep running off for Plot purposes much longer.

ROSS: The Plot says hello

ROBERT: Goodbye

ROSS: So...Rebecca’s decided she hates you today. She told me so herself. Pick a number between 1 and 10.

ROBERT: No. Please go away. Aaron could come back any second. *Looks shifty*

ROSS: It’s a game. Just do it or the Plot won’t let me leave.

ROBERT: Fine...3

ROSS: The answer’s 10. Wanna know what the question is?

ROBERT: How many knuckles I want to hit you in the mouth with? I do love my snarky one-liners.

ROSS: Nope, wrong again. It’s how many grand you have to pay me to keep quiet...or rather an amount large enough that you might have trouble paying it with your unreliable funds so that you have more motivation to tell Aaron the truth. Just doing my Plot service! See ya!

ROBERT: *Shifty Guilty Face* I don’t think this housewarming party is going to happen after all.

[Outside the Garage with Debbie, Charity and Rebecca]

REBECCA: I’m so disappointed. I really wanted to find a storyline outside my current miserable one and I thought this might be it but now you two have gone and screwed it all up. I’m now going to practice my threatening skills on you just in case there’s a twist in my other storyline and I need to use them. *Threatens* *Blinks* “Threatens* *Walks away*

DEBBIE: *hits Charity on the shoulder* Mum! I really liked her! Why’d you have to mess it up?!

CHARITY: Ah! Sorry!

Chapter Text

24 May 2017

[The Scrapyard with Robert and Aaron]

ROBERT: *Phone Rings* *Annoyed Face* What do you want? Scratch that. I know what you want. You want to bully me into telling Aaron the truth.

ROSS: It’s just a little pressure for your conscience. Don’t forget 10 grand by 6.

ROBERT: I don’t need your De Niro act right now Ross or your ‘pressure’, I’m probably gonna tell him anyway. *Sees Aaron* But not yet, so...gotta go. Hey Aaron! *looks shifty*

AARON: Hey! You look shifty, what’s up?

ROBERT: Just the Plot, what else? Are you tired of it, cause I am.

AARON: Yeah, I am, but...let’s throw in some cute banter for the fans.

ROBERT: Right. *Cute Banter Alert* Tricky client then, tough negotiator, you know the type.

AARON: Yeah I do, seeing as how I live with one (for the moment). I’m sure you’ll get your way eventually, you always do.

ROBERT: I’m not so sure. *Guilty Face*

[Dale View with Robert and Ross]

ROSS: You’re spineless!

ROBERT: You’re a blackmailer!

ROSS: You’re bisexual...haha…*Fandom Outrage Alert*

ROBERT: You’re jealous!

ROSS: Am not!

ROBERT: You shot me! Yeah...I do remember that.

ROSS: Funny that...I don’t.

ROBERT: I can’t pay my way of this.

ROSS: But you just honeymooned in Mauritius for five weeks. You must have cash.

ROBERT: Only enough for that. Sorry. The rest is tied up in investments. Did you know that the word investment is integral to Aaron and I getting together?

ROSS: Funny you should mention Aaron. I should just call him right now.

ROBERT: Hold on! We should work together.

ROSS: You’re desperate! Beg me!

ROBERT: *Checks dignity at the door* Please Ross, don’t tell my husband the Plot made me cheat on him three weeks after we got married!

ROSS: Haha! That was great! Thanks for brightening my day! Let me grab your stupid body warmer so that people will totally ship this. Oh and you still owe me ten grand because I need to motivate you to go have a scene with Bex.

[Home Farm Kitchen with Rebecca and Robert]

*Robert enters* *Rebecca rolls her eyes* - as if no one saw this coming

REBECCA: You! - By the way I’m going to try really hard to be reasonable today. Let’s see how long I last.

ROBERT: Me. Sorry for existing again.

REBECCA: You should be. I’m taking the moral high ground today. Oh...and sorry about getting Ross to blackmail you again. Oops!

ROBERT: I love him. Yes, that was purposefully confusing so you would continue shipping this crack ship, Rossbert. But obviously I mean Aaron. Oh and I can’t pay Ross, so can you please get him to stop blackmailing me again. I really feel like we’ve already done this Plot Point.

REBECCA: I’m not really feeling like it right now. In this moment I think you’re selfish and don’t believe in your love for Aaron so that you think I’m susceptible to your next attempt at manipulation. I didn’t force you into any of this. You should have stayed away from me. *Conflicted Audience Alert*

ROBERT: *internal panic* *shameless flirting* *Conflicted Audience Alert*

REBECCA: *flirts back* Oh look that reasonable thing is failing already.

ROBERT: *more shameless flirting* Is it working? *flirting failure*

REBECCA: What the hell was that Robert?

ROBERT: Honestly, I don’t even know.

REBECCA: Even I’m not falling for that. Yes, I realize that this is literally the first time that’s ever happened but you’re really being pathetic now.

ROBERT: But Aaron’s gonna hate me. The one person I find that I want to be with just for them and…what it’s ruined? It’s over? #GifableLine

REBECCA: Oops, changing my mind again. I’ve never seen you fall apart like this. Of course I’ll stop Ross from blackmailing you again. Oh and it must be hard being with Aaron while you’re hiding the Plot from him.

ROBERT: You have no idea. Do you know how hard it is to have the Guilty Face on all the time?

REBECCA: He should know what a pathological liar you really are.

ROBERT: I tied him to a radiator once and held a gun to his head because I couldn’t admit I tried to drown Paddy in grain or that I was bisexual. Trust me, he knows what I’m like. I mean he doesn’t know about that potato rock or that hitman I hired to kill his mum and he never needs to but...other than those and this...he knows me a hell of a lot better than you do. Hell, he might even know about this, who knows?

REBECCA: Fine, but you’re in a relationship built on lies so you should really tell him the truth. Look, I’m back to being reasonable again. Go me!

ROBERT: Thanks Bex. Working on an episode long epiphany here. By the way, did you actually get that abortion?

REBECCA: Wouldn’t you like to know.

[Back Room at the Woolpack with Robert and Aaron]

*Cute Banter Alert*

ROBERT: Look at you packing. You’re adorable.

AARON: Thanks for always being here for me. Gonna be weird having our own home.

ROBERT: I hope I get to live in it. *Guilty Face*

AARON: You have shit taste in music but you can’t change that and I think it’s sweet. *Fandom Swoon* #GifableLine

ROBERT: You don’t think I can change?

AARON: Wait...how did we get here?

ROBERT: Never you mind...I’m just working on my epiphany.

[Outside the Woolpack with Diane, Vic and of course Rebecca]

DIANE: Look I brought a box full of stuff to mock Robert with. It’s to show I care because let’s face it, I barely interact with him as it is.

VICTORIA: Oh look a little superman cape. He was a geek even from a young age!

*Rebecca appears from her other attempt at a storyline*

VICTORIA: Hey Bex, Robert was a cute baby. Speaking of babies, what did you decide?

REBECCA: I decided to keep it because you basically told me to yesterday.

VICTORIA: Oh great! Having babies is always the right choice for everyone! *Fandom Eyeroll* And hey, Ross might be a great father to it!

REBECCA: I’m doing this on my own because I can’t tell you who the father is. I’m sure you’ll find out eventually

[Back Room at the Woolpack with Diane, Robert and Aaron]

*Sugden Family Feelings Alert* - get your tissues ready

ROBERT: Dad got me this action figure cause I’m a nerd and good at swimming. #CharacterConsistency *Conflicted Feelings about Jack face* What would he think about me and the fact that I screw up literally all the time?

DIANE: He’d probably yell at you for it like always but he’d also say it was about the here and now. You’ve put your mistakes behind you.

ROBERT: Have I? Gosh this epiphany is hard to reach. You’d think I would have gotten there by now.

DIANE: Haven’t you? I haven’t been involved so I have no idea what’s going on in your Plot. *Concerned face*

AARON: Hey! Robert’s a geek but maybe we can profit on it and get you those fancy speakers because now you’re a geek with expensive tastes!

ROBERT: *Guilty Face* I really want to make a different facial expression now please!

DIANE: *Concerned face*

[Dale View with Ross and Rebecca]

REBECCA: Hey guess what I’ve changed my mind again. You need to stop blackmailing Robert even though I literally only told you yesterday to do it. I just really don’t want to hurt my best mate Aaron.

ROSS: Are you kidding me? #Relatable I thought he ruined your life? None of this makes any sense! #SpeakingForTheFandom Robert must have something on you or-

REBECCA: Or I’m a human being Ross!

ROSS: Or you’re stupid enough to still care about him, which makes no sense by the way.

REBECCA: Neither did sleeping with you but the Plot called for it!

ROSS: Look, I don’t know if I’m revealing a twist here, but this isn’t some long game where you can wait for him to get boys out of his system. I know I made a biphobic comment earlier but him being bisexual means that he’s not going to get boys out of his system and he’s never going to love you.

REBECCA: Stop making sense Ross! People aren’t used to it!

ROSS: Stop being a moron then! Can’t you see how pathetic and desperate you look?! #SpeakingForTheFandom

REBECCA: Now I hate you more!

ROSS: You really need to get some self respect. #SpeakingForTheFandom

REBECCA: Maybe but I’m still totally going to help Robert out and threaten you with a recording that doesn’t exist.

[Home Farm with Rebecca and Lawrence]

LAWRENCE: Thanks for getting me in trouble with your other attempt at a storyline. You’re gonna send me to an early grave! #Foreshadowing #LetLachlanSerialKillerRise

REBECCA: Well I won’t be here to bother you for much longer. *Stares at Ibiza ticket booking*

*Fandom dares to hope even if it is futile*

REBECCA: *Sad conflicted face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Ross, Vic and Aaron]

ROBERT: *Guilty Face* *Looks at husband being adorable with sister* *Guiltier Face*

ROSS: Hey, so Rebecca changed her mind again, so I’m not blackmailing you anymore. You’re off the hook. By the way, your shower gel smells great!

ROBERT: Great. *Guilty Face*

AARON: Thought you were getting the drinks in.

ROBERT: Sorry...too busy practicing my Guilty Face.

VICTORIA: Hey, you gonna wear your superman cape at the housewarming?

AARON: I definitely want to see that.

ROBERT: I don’t know about this housewarming *Epiphany Rising*

AARON: Don’t be a baby! *Was that subliminal?*

ROBERT: Look Aaron, I’m having an epiphany here. We need to spend our first night in our new home just the two of us.

AARON: So...sex? I’m game.

ROBERT: No Aaron, we need to have #ActualConversation

AARON: That sounds boring but okay. *Knowing Look*

ROBERT: *Epiphany Alert* There’s been times in the past where I could’ve said something and I didn’t cause...I don’t know, maybe I took us for granted. *Epiphany Achieved*

AARON: Okay. #ActualConversation it is...on a Thursday… *Knowing Look* This is not going to go well for me.

ROBERT: Thanks. I know it took me a LONG time to get here, but this means a lot. *Guilty Face*

Chapter Text

26 May 2017

[The Mill with Robert and Aaron]

AARON: Morning Robert! Check out this mug I bought yesterday - wait...yesterday? Was that before or after I decided to forgive you for cheating on me? - Nevermind, anyway, look “Property of World’s Best Husband”! Isn’t that adorable?

ROBERT: Is that to remind me of what I’m not?

AARON: Yes and to prompt you to thank me for being the best and most forgiving husband in the world because this mug is totally mine.

ROBERT: You’re the best and most forgiving husband in the world and you totally deserve that mug. I’m so glad the Plot took the day off yesterday and we got to have some real, deep, meaningful conversations about all of our issues and our love for each other. #QueenMaxine It’s almost like we were in one of those fan fiction stories I spent half of our break reading. But at least you’re Plot Aware now. I’m glad we’re in this together now.

AARON: *Tiniest Smile* *Resigned Look* #ThisPlotSucks

*Little kiss and hug* - for the fans

[The Woolpack with Rebecca and Chrissie]

*Marlon and Carly are being adorable with April to show the positive side of having children*

CHRISSIE: Look what you have to look forward to!

REBECCA: Yay! ...So do you think it’s really a good idea to be here in the pub...that’s owned by Aaron’s family. I mean I know they moved out yesterday but they could totally still come in.

CHRISSIE: Robert doesn’t dictate your life, Rebecca, the Plot does, usually through Robert because you only exist for him. But we’re having sisterly bonding time again so I’m going to get you some food before you turn on me again. You really are fickle.

[The Woolpack with Robert, Aaron, Rebecca, Chrissie, Marlon, Matt, Carly, Victoria, Lawrence and Ronnie...Paddy may have been there too but...you wouldn’t know it #Bitter]

*Robert and Aaron enter the pub*

AARON: *eye roll*

CHRISSIE: Ignore them

REBECCA: *nods* *Thanks for making the decision for me Face*

ROBERT: Aaron I have a bad feeling about this. We should just leave.

AARON: What the Plot? Is this what you’ve been dealing with? This is exhausting. I’m so sorry. Well...we’re gonna have to face them sooner or later.

ROBERT: Looks like Chrissie’s been made Plot Aware

AARON: Well...so have I. *Deep Breath for sanity* *Walks over to Chrissie and Rebecca’s table* I know, all about the Plot, you slept together and you were pregnant. I know.

REBECCA: He told you? I mean I know I told him on Wednesday to tell you but I didn’t think he’d actually do it. Look at my shocked face!

AARON: Yeah, and we had a great fanfiction episode yesterday where we talked it all out and I forgave him and it actually made sense. Even the fans were satisfied. #QueenMaxine So, look, whatever hold you think you have over him, ends now.

REBECCA: *So you don’t know the WHOLE Plot Face*

CHRISSIE: *Exists*

ROBERT: *Plot Calls for Extra Smug Face because Aaron forgave him* Oh I’m sorry Chrissie, did we ruin something for you? Some blackmail? Ross already tried blackmailing me and it didn’t take.

CHRISSIE: You forgave him...is it actually possible that you’re dumber than you look?

AARON: *Plot ignorance was bliss Face*

ROBERT: Do not insult my #BeautifulHusband You never got over the fact that we didn’t have a proper affair aftermath. Are you still waiting to enact those revenge plots you’ve been working on since then?

CHRISSIE: I just care about my sister now, honest. I’m sure we won’t be at each other’s throats in a couple weeks again. Really. Your unborn child has really brought us closer together.

ROBERT: Yeah, well it wasn’t that difficult. Prepare yourself Bex, I’m about to go full 2D Villain here. Watch out.

REBECCA: *Puts on ‘I’m a Victim Face’*

ROBERT: *Ramps up for Villain Speech* Oh just quit the wounded ANGEL act will ya! - do you like how I called you an angel?

REBECCA: Yeah, it really solidifies my Sainthood. Keep going!

ROBERT: I mean you were just there like you always have been - because I was so hammered I forgot that I texted you - Easy, desperate...it runs in the family!

REBECCA: *’I’m a Victim Face’*

CHRISSIE: *to Aaron* Do you really think you know him?

AARON: I think the Plot doesn’t want me to feel like I do because it conveniently forgot that we had all of these great talks yesterday, forgot all we’ve been through. I also think you two should just stay out of our lives. Don’t you want your own storylines?

MATT: Hey...you’re doing this in the middle of a pub full of people. Don’t you have a back room for these types of intense chats? That’s where I was taken for mine.

ROBERT: It’s fine. The Plot wants us here. It wants me to look bad in front of as many people as possible. Anyway, they were just leaving.

CHRISSIE: You don’t dictate her life!

ROBERT: No! The Plot dictates all of our lives! And right now it wants me to be the absolute worst version of myself that I hoped didn’t still exist. I miss yesterday so much. Sorry for this, Bex, Aaron, but I’m told you have something to tell me and this is the ONLY way it will come out. *Drags Rebecca off of her chair by her jacket* YOU MEAN NOTHING TO ME!!!

AARON: Woah mate, calm down. Are you sure this is the only way?

ROBERT: Welcome to the Plot Aaron. I have to look as evil as possible. Just hold me back so I don’t do anything too stupid.

AARON: This Plot is horrible. *Holds Robert back*

CHRISSIE: Stop! She’s still pregnant!

ROBERT: Ah, now I get it.

*Shocked faces* *Random extra in the back so shocked she can’t even take a sip from her drink*

MATT: I know they’re family but that girl looked upset.

MARLON: *Token Dingle appearance* *Concerned but not allowed to interfere in the Plot Face* Just keep an eye on them.

ROBERT: *Distraught Face* We agreed you were going to take care of it Bex. We had like 500 conversations about it. How could this have happened?

REBECCA: I can’t do it, Robert, not after last time. I mean I know the slightly more rational me yesterday said that it was the right thing to do but now the Plot clearly wants me to feel like it was super traumatic again because I need to look like the victim some more.

AARON: Hold up. Last time?

CHRISSIE: Oh yeah. I found out about that yesterday. He got her pregnant when he was engaged to me. Still think he tells you everything.

AARON: *Exasperated by the Plot Face*

REBECCA: *Sad Face* Chrissie stop! This Plot is happening, none of us get a choice.

VICTORIA: Hey Carly, let me tell you about this other storyline I popped into for a bit!

CARLY: Shush, something major is kicking off in the middle of the pub. It involves your brother and his husband, who’s one of your best friends. I’m sure you should care.

VICTORIA: Oh, it involves my new Plot Friend, Rebecca. I definitely care.

AARON: What does the Plot want you to want out of this?

REBECCA: *Pained I don’t understand my motivations Face*

ROBERT: If it’s me the Plot wants you to want, then it’s a sad little dream.

CHRISSIE: Don’t be pathetic!

ROBERT: I was talking to her.

CHRISSIE: I know but we haven’t gotten to argue in a while and I miss it.

ROBERT: Me too...way more fun than arguing with your sister. *Distraught Face* *Hunched pitifully over table* *Doing what he can to make himself appear somewhat sympathetic despite the Plot* You can’t do this, Bex!

REBECCA: I can do what I like!

ROBERT: *Shakes head* No, no, we’re slaves to the Plot remember.

REBECCA: I remember, but it’s still my body and my choice even though it was totally Vic that convinced me to have it and that first abortion that’s sometimes the right thing and sometimes traumatic. Honestly, I just couldn’t be bothered to do anything because I can’t ever make up my mind so it was easier to just do nothing.

*Lawrence and Ronnie enter at the most convenient time possible*

REBECCA: I’m sorry, but for now, the Plot has decided I’m having this baby.

LAWRENCE: You’re pregnant? With Robert ‘Devil Incarnate’ Sugden’s baby? You’ve got to be joking! How long has this been going on? Maybe I should be happy I’m on the way out soon.

REBECCA: I’m sorry. The Plot made me do it.

ROBERT: *Guilty Face* Damnit, I really thought I was done with this expression.

[The Woolpack with...yep all those same people except Robert and Aaron are sneaking off to the toilet...and sadly not for fun sexy times]

MARLON: Look, we have a back room for exactly this purpose. Might I suggest you make use of it.

LAWRENCE: Don’t worry...I don’t intend to stay. This is already putting too much stress on my heart.

ROBERT: *to Aaron* This doesn’t take anything away from what we had yesterday. It’s just the Plot. It can’t hurt us. Don’t let it hurt us. Let’s just live in that moment where I full on snuggled against you while we sat on the floor and I held onto you for dear life. Don’t you remember that?

AARON: Yeah, I do, but…

REBECCA: I was going to tell you, but I had to wait until this very public moment. Sorry.

CHRISSIE: This is your grandchild! Yay! Sorry, I’ve got nothing else.

REBECCA: The Plot really wants me to keep it.

AARON: Oh ffs *Heads to the toilet* *Robert follows*

VICTORIA: You lied to me! Who cares about the fact that you slept with my brother and are possibly ruining his marriage as I speak, other than the fact that that means that child is going to be my blood relative. You know how much I want a baby! This could be my only chance to almost not really be a mother, because there are no other ways for me ever to have children, obviously.

REBECCA: *Pained face* I’m sorry. I lied to everyone. How many times can I say that the Plot made me do it!

CHRISSIE: She was going to leave the country and do this on her own, but at the last minute she changed her mind, shocker, and came back. So I said, even though we’re the most hated family in the Dales, we’re going to look after this second generation plot device together!

LAWRENCE: *Head in hands* How did this Plot even happen. This is ridiculous!

REBECCA: Dad?

LAWRENCE: NOOOOOOOO! #SpeakingForTheFandom

[The Woolpack Toilets with Robert and Aaron]

ROBERT: I didn’t know. I swear. This Plot Point took me by surprise too. I really don’t like it.

AARON: What, this time or the last?

ROBERT: I told you everything relevant yesterday. What happened in the past, was the past. Just tell me what to do to make this right. I wish Maxine was here to put the perfect words in my mouth like yesterday. Did I mention how much I miss yesterday?

AARON: *misses yesterday too*

ROBERT: Aaron, I love you. Tell me you still love me. All of our mutual ‘I love yous’ are painful. This totally fits the pattern, so you can say it back.

AARON: *nods* Yeah. But it’s a baby, her baby. A cheating Plot made at least some sense for us to help us deal with all of our issues, but this? This is too far.

ROBERT: I didn’t know this was going to happen. I thought I’d fixed it. Outsmarted the Plot.

AARON: Well, she’s still pregnant.

ROBERT: But I don’t want it!

AARON: But she’s carrying your child. You’re gonna be a dad. This Plot is happening and you know it’s not going to let you get out of it this easily.

ROBERT: I know, but do you still forgive me? I’m desperate here. I meant everything I said yesterday. Yesterday was such a good day. Don’t let the Plot destroy it. This changes nothing, I promise.

AARON: *Crying Face* You can’t promise that. She’s always gonna be there now. She’s always going to have that with you. It’s always going to be in my face, what you two did. *Voice Breaks* *Give Danny all the awards* Don’t you get that? You can’t make this go away #SpeakingForTheFandom

ROBERT: *As close to Crying Face as he can get* I won’t see it. Like it doesn’t exist. Please let there be a twist and it doesn’t exist. #PrayerCircle

AARON: You and her. It’s not over is it. It can never be over now. #SpeakingForTheFandom

ROBERT: Just come here, for the fans remember.

AARON: Don’t! The fans hate this Plot and so do I! *Storms Out*

ROBERT: *Distraught Almost Crying Face* - someday he’ll get there

[The Woolpack for Ashley’s Window Unveiling Drinks - oh look...there’s Paddy...let’s see what he’s up to]

PADDY: Sheep and unicorns. Ha Ha Ha! Love being in this storyline instead of the one where my son is falling apart and totally needs someone right now. If I ignore him long enough, he’ll have to go talk to Rebecca, which I’m told is what the Plot wants.

MARLON: Hey Vic, sorry about your brother’s marriage falling apart. You okay?

VICTORIA: Well, he hardly cared about mine so I’m just going to ignore his problems and focus on the fact that my super good friend Rebecca lied to me in ALL of those conversations we had where I basically steered her towards having this baby because the Plot wanted me to. It’s really upsetting me right now and it’s totally rational and logical that I would feel this betrayed by someone I was only friends with for Plot reasons. I mean I remember something yesterday about saying I was on Aaron’s side, but nope...that’s gone. This is all I care about now. I wonder if this will have anymore ramifications on my life choices?

[Home Farm with Rebecca, Chrissie and Ronnie...and an Aaron cameo]

REBECCA: It was my choice whether to tell him.

CHRISSIE: Look, the Plot needed it to come out today! From what I understand this has all dragged on long enough. Robert’s Plot driven action gave me the perfect opportunity to spill!

RONNIE: Oh you’re back. What the hell Plot have you dragged us into? Robert again? Haven’t you both been there soooo many times already? Honestly? Why can’t our family stay away from him and him us at this point? Surely that’s what everyone wants?

REBECCA: I should have just gone and should never have come back. #NowYou’reGettingIt #SpeakingForTheFandom #TakeYourOwnAdvice

AARON: There’s lots of things you shouldn’t have done #SpeakingForTheFandom

[Home Farm with Aaron and Rebecca]

*Emotional Aaron* > *Emotional Rebecca*

AARON: He doesn’t want you. He doesn’t want this baby. Neither do the fans. You can’t just trap him!

REBECCA: You really think that’s what this is?

AARON: *Shrugs* It’s a possibility. Nothing about you makes any sense. At least this would be a motivation.

REBECCA: I wanted to leave. Robert should never have known. *Fandom Facepalm* - Why couldn’t that happen? - I’m not trying to take your husband. *Fandom Eyeroll*

AARON: Are you sure? Because you’re doing a really good impression of someone who is. Just stay away from him.

REBECCA: And you think that’ll solve it?

AARON: It would make me happy and the fans. I told Robert I wanted to be happy yesterday as we snuggled on the floor. I miss yesterday so much too. It made sense, so much sense. It was so satisfying.

REBECCA: What do you want? That we all just pretend this isn’t happening? You go back to your marriage and just forget about it? *FANDOM SCREAMING ‘YES THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT’*

AARON: Yes, that’s exactly what I want. This Plot is the worst. I don’t know why I wanted to know about it so bad.

REBECCA: I like you Aaron. *Fandom Eyeroll* I want to help you.

AARON: *Laughs* *Fandom Laughs with you Aaron * Yeah well, you’re doing a great job. You ever think about a career in stand up because this is hilarious?

REBECCA: He hurt you. Like he hurt you before. Like he’s hurt everyone who ever cared about him. *Fandom Eyeroll* *Can’t roll eyes back any further*

AARON: Unless you’ve been binge watching our story on YouTube *shout out to Aaron Fan for bringing back the videos* then you know nothing about our relationship so don’t presume to. I’m different. Maxine knows so. The fans know. He loves me. He married me.

REBECCA: And then slept with me! #Because...Plot! He told me you were over and I trusted him because I always trust him because I have no thoughts of my own so I’m easily manipulated by everyone around me, especially Robert. Don’t make the same mistake. I mean...look at me? I’m pregnant. I’m carrying his child.

AARON: *Please don’t remind me Face*

REBECCA: I’m sorry, Aaron, but there’s going to be a baby here. (Tinfoil Fandom: Is there?)

AARON: *Please stop talking Face*

REBECCA: It’s going to be born (Tinfoil Fandom: Will it?) and you’re going to see it. (Fandom: Do we have to?) You can’t just ignore it. (Fandom: We can try really hard)

AARON: JUST STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!

REBECCA: That was a near violent outburst designed to make me look afraid. *Afraid Face* so that I can look more like a victim, and not just me, but the baby. *Places hand protectively over womb*

AARON: Oh come on. I know NOTHING about women or periods and even I know that’s not the location of your womb. Try harder. But I guess the Plot wants both Robert and I to look bad today so I’m sorry...I would never hurt the baby. I’m really not like that.

REBECCA: This is what he does to you. This is why we have to protect ourselves. - Does it sound like I’m trying to turn you off of him so I can have him for myself and my PlotBaby because my motivations are so all over the place I’m not sure anymore - Can you really do this? Can you stand by him? Cope? When the baby’s here?

AARON: *Thoughtful Face* I’m pretty sure the Plot wants me to. I mean, they just built us a house. They let their best writer write some amazing scenes for us. I don’t feel like they would squander that this quickly, but this story is already giving me whiplash and I’ve barely been a part of it yet. How do you deal with it?

REBECCA: *Attempt at Sincere Face* Don’t worry about your marriage, Aaron, just save yourself and get out of this mess of a Plot.

AARON: *Thoughtful Face* This Plot does suck, but Robert said ‘messed up forever’ and I want that too.

REBECCA: Leave him. - wow I really am laying it on thick. What is my motivation here? -

AARON: *Sad thoughtful Face* Look, we’re seriously codependent and I can’t actually function without him so...we’re probably gonna stick together no matter what, but I’ll remain contemplative until Monday.

*Episode MVP goes to Stuffed Steve for being less ridiculous than this Plot and a more consistent character than Rebecca*

Chapter Text

29 May 2107

[Outside the Mill with Robert, Aaron and Victoria]

ROBERT: *Sighs* I really don’t need this Vic. I’m so tired of this storyline and I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

VICTORIA: Baby. I was worried about you. Baby.

ROBERT: Why?

VICTORIA: Baby. You’re gonna be a dad. Baby. We must talk about this. Baby.

ROBERT: I really don’t want to talk about it. (Fandom: Let him not talk about it. No one wants to hear about it.)

VICTORIA: Baby. Of course there is. Baby.

ROBERT: I don’t want to be involved in this storyline. Rebecca doesn’t want me involved. I’m not sure she wants to be involved either considering how wishy washy the Plot has made her about it.

VICTORIA: Baby. Aaron, please talk some sense into him. Baby. I mean I know he cheated on you and you only just found out about that and the pregnancy but clearly you care more about this potential Baby than anything else. Have I mentioned that there’s a Baby? Because...Baby.

AARON: *laughs* (Fandom: Hey Aaron, looking good in that new but slightly different black hoodie you’re wearing. We’re laughing at all this too.)

VICTORIA: Baby. What? That’s all you’ve got? Baby.

*Aaron stares off into the distance, wishing he had never learned about the Plot*

ROBERT: Happy now? Stop upsetting my #BeautifulHusband. I’m doing that enough for everyone right now. Just let me get on with it. So...now if everyone is done telling me how I should be feeling…

AARON: That’s not what I was doing… (Fandom: Wait...what?)

VICTORIA: BABY! BABY! BABY! NO ROBERT! I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE BABY! I DON’T CARE IF THIS IS NOT A RATIONAL REACTION IN ANY WAY!!! *Fandom Eyeroll*

ROBERT: NO! I’m not wasting anymore of my life or screen time on this!

AARON: Great way to talk about your kid there, Robert. I mean I’m totally fine with everything and I think you should be too.

ROBERT: But you heard Rebecca yesterday! All that stuff happened for the Plot so we should probably pay attention to it even if we’d rather not.

AARON: But she only said it after the Plot made you grab her just so Chrissie could tell you she was still pregnant. And I clearly didn’t hear much of anything Rebecca said yesterday. She wanted me to leave you and it was supposed to be some big cliffhanger according to the Plot, but look at me, here I am, like nothing’s wrong. It’s almost like the Plot isn’t interested in my motivations for anything...I miss Maxine.

ROBERT: *Confused Face* - Is this going to be my new thing in this story? Probably - Why are you so bothered about this? I thought it would take you ages to get over this. I mean, you were literally a crying mess in the pub toilets yesterday shouting at me about how you were never going to be able to get past this and now you’re all about the kid? Have you been drinking the same Baby Kool Aid as Vic?

VICTORIA: Baby?

AARON: You don’t know how you’re gonna feel when it’s born Robert. (Tinfoil Fandom: If it’s born)

ROBERT: I’ll feel however the Plot wants me to feel.

AARON: *Confused Face* - hey maybe this will be my new thing too -

ROBERT: I can’t see you being quite so fine once it’s actually here. I mean honestly Aaron...what happened to yesterday?

AARON: Oh, in between leaving Home Farm, utterly devastated by the Plot, I rang my counselor and she told me again just to walk away and think about something that I enjoy. So...I thought about toast. Then I went to the Pub and had some toast because I still don’t know where our toaster is. And now I feel totally fine.

ROBERT: *Confused Face*

AARON: *Confused Face* - it’s almost like we’re just as confused about the Plot as the fans are - Just do what you want, Robert, for a change...wait...isn’t that how we got here in the first place?

VICTORIA: *Confused Face* - ooh this is fun! - So...Baby?

ROBERT: *Watches Aaron walk away wishing he could go with him and stop talking to Vic about the Baby*

[Home Farm with Lawrence, Ronnie and Rebecca]

RONNIE: *Puts a cup of tea in front of Lawrence* This Plot is clearly getting to you and you clearly need this.

LAWRENCE: What is it about that man? Why can’t the Plot just leave us out of his storylines?

RONNIE: We have no control. No point getting worked up over it.

LAWRENCE: But how have I managed to raise two intelligent - they can be indecisive and deluded and still intelligent okay - women and have them both get taken in by a low life like Robert Sugden?

REBECCA: You were too Dad. It’s really your fault all of this started.

LAWRENCE: Look, it was only because he was good at making money. It has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that he flirted with me and I totally wanted him. I mean he supposedly caused you a major trauma and you still couldn’t stay away from him so clearly you understand. Ugh. He’s always going to be part of our lives now. (Fandom: Please don’t remind us) *Wants to murder the Plot Face*

REBECCA: *Blink* *Blink* *Blink* I thought maybe we could go out for your birthday since I ruined that.

LAWRENCE: Ronnie and I already have plans...away from you and this Plot.

RONNIE: Only the pub. You can tag along if you-

LAWRENCE: *Please stop talking now Ronnie Face*

RONNIE: Never mind, I’ll leave you to it.

LAWRENCE: *Wants to murder the Plot Face*

REBECCA: He’s not going to have anything to do with this baby.

LAWRENCE: *Laughs* God you’re deluded! You actually believe the Plot is going to allow that?

REBECCA: I know that this storyline is a mess - understatement of the century - and that I made a mistake - oh look at me admitting to that when I couldn’t even apologize to Aaron for sleeping with his husband yesterday - but it’s still my baby.

*Lawrence tries to leave because he’s so done with this Plot*

REBECCA: Your grandchild. Can’t you at least try to be happy?

LAWRENCE: *Wants to murder the Plot Face*

[The Cafe with Aaron and Adam]

*Bartsy Alert* *Bartsy Alert* - is it even fan baiting anymore when it’s been so long that the fans can hardly remember what their dynamic is like?

ADAM: So what happens now then?

AARON: She has a baby, keep up?

ADAM: You know what I mean, you just moved in together.

AARON: I’m totally chill about everything now even though it makes no sense, but it’s what the Plot wants. Anyway, I told him I’d back him, whatever he wants to do. Of course what I really mean is that I’m going to try and force him to be in this kid’s life even though it should cause me intense emotional distress.

ADAM: Wow. Forget Rebecca, I think the real candidate for sainthood is you, mate. But, this is good right? The fans must be thrilled.

AARON: Yeah, suppose. But he told her to get an abortion, which is the worst thing in the world according to the Plot, and then when he found out she hadn’t, the Plot made him be awful to her. The Plot really tried hard yesterday to make me see him as a terrible person but I just don’t know...I mean, other than right now, I’ve been pretty much fine with him.

ADAM: He was probably just in shock.

AARON: Why are you sticking up for him?

ADAM: He made a mistake. I know what that’s like. Remember that time Vic and I had this same storyline?

AARON: What the one you’re in right now?

ADAM: No, no, the other one. The first time. The one your current Plot is basically copying Plot Point for Plot Point so far. (Tinfoil Fandom: Please let that continue!)

AARON: Right right. You know, on Thursday I was allowed to have actual feelings about everything and meaningful conversation and I’d actually come around to the one night stand. I understood the point of that, because Robert and I really did have a lot of issues that we needed to work out. Now there’s all this and…

ADAM: Just don’t do anything too quickly, eh.

AARON: But I have to Adam! This Plot is moving sooooo fast!

ADAM: I’m just saying, you two have been through a lot - understatement of the millenia -

AARON: *Conflicted Face* - oh good I’m still conflicted. Here I thought I was fine with everything. I wonder how I’ll be in the next scene?

[The Woolpack with Robert and Aaron]

*Aaron walks in and sits down*

ROBERT: *Oh here we go Face* Look, I know what you’re gonna say. Just don’t bother. I’m sick of hearing it. #SpeakingForTheFandom

AARON: *Nods* - I’m tired of talking about it too...but...Plot! -

ROBERT: *Conflicted about being a father* *Wants to discuss daddy issues but the Plot won’t allow him to be so sympathetic* It’d be a disaster anyway. That whole family hates me. How long before the kid does too?

AARON: I was conflicted in the last scene but I thought about toast again and now I’m well adjusted once more. So...we can totally work through things.

ROBERT: *Confused Face*

AARON: You’d be a good dad.

ROBERT: How’d you work that out? You know how many issues with my own dad I have.

AARON: Because, remember, I’m totally well adjusted now, so I’ll help you. I mean I have absolutely no daddy issues of my own so I’d be a great dad!

ROBERT: Yeah, you would be, but normally, I don’t think the Plot would let you think so. Maybe we can have a family of our own one day, but not like this. (Fandom: No! Please not like this! Let us give you a handy list of the millions of other ways for them to have a family!) *Casual touch* I just want us to get back to where we were. #SpeakingForTheFandom

*Lawrence and Ronnie walk in*

LAWRENCE: *Wants to murder the Plot and Robert Sugden Face*

[Home Farm with Chrissie, Rebecca and Victoria]

REBECCA: Dad doesn’t even want to talk about the Plot, he’s so disgusted with it. I should have left and never looked back. #TakeYourOwnAdvice #SpeakingForTheFandom

CHRISSIE: Well I wouldn’t want you go. If you go, then I’ll just have scenes with Lachlan and Dad and they’re probably on their way out soon so then what will I do?

*Doorbell rings*

CHRISSIE: *Sees Vic* Oh terrific! I bet I know what this is about.

REBECCA: If this is about Robert, I don’t want to hear it. I’ve totally decided to wash my hands of him now that the Plot wants me to leave for a bit.

VIC: Robert? Who cares about Robert? He’s an idiot. This is about the BABY! Baby! Baby! That Baby is going to be related to me so I must...I mean he must have a part in it’s life. Baby! Baby! Baby! I thought we were mates?

CHRISSIE: *Bored Face* Oh please.

REBECCA: We were only friends because of the Plot. This baby is mine and has nothing to do with you.

VICTORIA: PLEASE REBECCA! THE BABY! JUST LET ME TALK ABOUT THE BABY!

REBECCA: Will you stop going on about it! *Grabs slightly closer to uterus* Ahhh!

VICTORIA: BABY!

CHRISSIE: What is it? Are you okay? I think we need to go to the hospital.

REBECCA: *Panicked Face* *Shakes head* - you decide if I was shaking my head to the ‘am I alright’ question or the thought of going to the hospital - (Tinfoil Fandom: Definitely the latter)

[The Woolpack with Robert, Aaron, Lawrence and Ronnie]

RONNIE: Let’s just go somewhere else. I’m so tired of this Plot and it’s only been a day.

LAWRENCE: Not a chance. This is my opportunity to manhandle Robert.

RONNIE: *Oh here we go Face*

LAWRENCE: Enjoying yourselves?

ROBERT: We were as it happens. We were actually not talking about the Plot for once.

LAWRENCE: While my daughter can’t escape the Plot because of what you did to her?

ROBERT: It was a mistake. Her’s as much as mine, not that anyone but me will acknowledge that really, cause I’m supposed to be evil and she’s an innocent victim.

LAWRENCE: *MANHANDLES ROBERT*

AARON: *Protective Aaron Mode Activate* Oi! Let go of him!

LAWRENCE: *Stuck in a Robron Sandwich* *The Dream* Why don’t you take your own advice, Aaron! Get some self respect!

AARON: *Are you kidding me Face* You’re one to talk or did you forget that time I had to pull a shotgun out of your hand when you were shooting up teddy bears cause you couldn’t get your shit together.

RONNIE: Can we please just go anywhere else?

AARON: *Phone Rings* (VIC: BABYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!)

LAWRENCE: How about when you ruined Chrissie’s life? Was that a mistake? Yeah, I’m getting in on this belated affair aftermath too!

ROBERT: Not everything’s about you. Just back off!

LAWRENCE: *Wants to murder the Plot and Robert Sugden Face*

ROBERT: *Robert Smugden Activate* Oh go on, if you think your heart can take it!

AARON: That was Vic. All she did was scream ‘Baby’ at me but I’m pretty sure she meant that Rebecca might be losing the baby.

ROBERT: *It can’t be that easy Face* *I mean...I’m totally worried Face*

LAWRENCE: *Is the Plot over that fast Face*

[Hotten General with Chrissie, Victoria, Lawrence and Ronnie]

VICTORIA: It’s taking forever. I need to know about the BABY! Oh...also where’s Robert? This is his BABY!

CHRISSIE: Staying away if he’s got any sense, like you should be.

LAWRENCE: I’ll go try and get some actual information, though with this Plot I’ll probably fail.

CHRISSIE: *To Vic* You know...you don’t have to be here. #SpeakingForTheFandom

RONNIE: Can this Plot be over now?

CHRISSIE: If he shows up, I’ll have security on him.

VICTORIA: You don’t own the hospital. If you did, maybe you could get some concrete info. But...anyway...BABY! Robert will want to know about his BABY!

CHRISSIE: Really? Cause he hasn’t shown much interest so far. Which is fine with me. You should really stop being so deluded though.

LAWRENCE: No news yet. We’re in a building full of medical professionals and still, no one can tell me if my daughter is actually pregnant or not. #ThisPlotSucks

[The Mill with Robert and Aaron]

ROBERT: *Phone pings*

AARON: *Watches Robert instead of the TV* *Turns TV off* Anything? We can’t even enjoy a little bit of telly until we get through this latest Plot crisis.

ROBERT: I was watching that!

AARON: You were watching your phone! What are you looking for spoilers to let you know if this will be over soon or not?

ROBERT: I can multitask. Turn it back on. And no...I can’t find a reliable source.

AARON: We could just go down there. It’s building full of medical professionals. Someone should be able to give us some kind of conformation. I know the fans are dying for it.

ROBERT: What for? We’re not going to find anything out.

AARON: You’re obviously worried. I mean I know you’re probably just shutting down emotionally like you always do and trying to look like you don’t care for my benefit, but I’m sure the Plot will have you come around eventually. It’s your kid!

ROBERT: I couldn’t care less. I’m not going to lose you over this! *Phone pings* It might be work! Or a source! Nope...spam...as useless as this Plot.

AARON: Look, the Plot wants me to make you go down there okay. Can we just go get this over with.

ROBERT: And then you’ll leave me alone the rest of the night? I mean about the Plot...we can do other things.

AARON: Never know.

ROBERT: Fine.

[Hotten General with Chrissie, Victoria, Lawrence, Ronnie, Robert and Aaron]

*Robert and Aaron arrive*

VICTORIA: About time! BABY!

ROBERT: *Wants to be anywhere but here Face* Sorry

LAWRENCE: *Wants to murder the Plot and Robert Sugden Face* - this is getting old quickly

CHRISSIE: Hey! The Baby’s fine. Didn’t speak to any actual medical professionals or anything...at least none that I have proof of, but it’s just stress and they want to keep her in overnight supposedly. You can all go home.

*Lawrence and Ronnie leave because the Plot doesn’t want him to see Rebecca*

CHRISSIE: *Wants to murder Robert Sugden Face*

ROBERT: I knew this would be a waste of time.

AARON: It’s definitely alright though, yeah?

ROBERT: She said so, didn’t she?

AARON: And you’re just going to take her word for it? None of this makes any sense Robert!

ROBERT: Who cares? Let’s just enjoy a Plot free evening.

*Robert and Aaron leave*

VICTORIA: *Confused Face* This Plot makes no sense but for now I’m going to assume I still have a BABY to obsess over.

CHRISSIE: You can go now.

VICTORIA: Give the BABY, I mean Rebecca, my love.

CHRISSIE: I really don’t understand your intense involvement with this but I’m sure she’ll be thrilled.

[Hotten General with Chrissie and Rebecca]

*Rebecca getting ready to go*

CHRISSIE: Wait...I thought you were supposed to be resting? Did I talk to a medical professional? Now I’m not so sure. What is going on?

REBECCA: Oh no, I’m just relaying everything and they said I could go home but I’m not going to go home because I’m tired of this Plot and everyone hating me even though I’m supposed to be the victim so I’ve made a decision for the first time in my life and I’m going to go. I’m going to give the fans a break. They deserve it.

[Outside Hotten General with Chrissie and Rebecca]

CHRISSIE: This is insane. You don’t even have anything with you.

REBECCA: I’ve got my passport and a ton of money because that’s the logical thing to bring with you to the hospital when you’re maybe having a miscarriage.

CHRISSIE: You sure this is what you want?

REBECCA: *Nods* Don’t take this self made decision away from me Chrissie! I’m sticking to it. It’s very important to my character development...you know...if I had any.

CHRISSIE: You look after yourself...and the little one.

REBECCA: *Pained expression* - I’m not sure why I did that -

CHRISSIE: And when you get back I’ll help you deal with the Plot.

REBECCA: *Awkward Pause*

CHRISSIE: Wait? You are coming back right? I mean, if not, what the hell was this whole Plot for?

REBECCA: I don’t know. - Oh look I’m back to my indecision again - Sorry.

CHRISSIE: I feel like I’ve let you down.

REBECCA: No...none of this is on you. Blame the Plot if you must. I’m just going to go escape it for a while. *Gets in cab* *Looks appropriately sad* - for what reason even she’s not sure - (Fandom: Hooray!!!! Except...wait...what is going on? We still have no medical proof of this pregnancy. And what the hell are Robron doing while she’s away? They’re apparently fine? @Robronspoilers where are you?)

Chapter Text

30 May 2017

[Home Farm with Lawrence, Ronnie and Chrissie]

LAWRENCE: *Squeak* *Squeak* Hear that, Ronnie? It’s the sound of this rusty old Plot that everyone is tired of! I mean...It’s the sound of fond memories from the girls’ childhood. Look at this rocking horse that will never be relevant again after this scene!

RONNIE: So...why are we looking at it then? Pretty sure the audience doesn’t care. I’m laughing but I’m pretty sure I don’t care either. And it will be a fair few years before this PlotBaby is old enough to ride on it, Larry.

LAWRENCE: Because, Ronnie! It’s the perfect prop to be able to tell a story about Rebecca learning to play the victim. You see, she used to pretend she was riding on a horse through an enchanted forest and Chrissie was a troll who would jump out and scare poor victim Rebecca and then she would need to be nursed back to health. It was the very early stages of her learning to blame everyone else for her problems.

RONNIE: Hmm...yeah...not touching that one. I can’t believe the Plot wants you to tell this story. Is it suppose to be so blatantly obvious?

LAWRENCE: *Shrug* - the good old days -

CHRISSIE: What is that thing doing here?

LAWRENCE: Oh it was just lying around in one of the eleven bedrooms that we don’t use. It’s also a Plot Point to use to tell you I’m going to the hospital to see Rebecca later.

CHRISSIE: You don’t say. I know absolutely nothing about what might happen when you get there.

LAWRENCE: I suspect nothing yet. Oh...I know...sit on the irrelevant rocking horse!

CHRISSIE: Hmm...yeah...no.

[The Cafe with Aaron, Bob and Carly]

BOB: *To Carly* Blah Blah Blah...other storyline….Blah Blah Blah...it would be nice if you smiled. *To Aaron* Seems like they’re in short supply around here.

AARON: You what? Can't a guy just scowl in peace and quiet in the background of a scene where someone else is stressing about their own Plot issues? This is the only time I get to have a proper think about the Plot and formulate my own feelings without someone trying to shove thoughts in my head and words in my mouth that don’t totally makes sense. Plus! I still don’t know where the toaster is at the Mill, so I needed to get my fix for the day. Don’t look at me like that! I like toast!

[Home Farm with Lawrence, Ronnie and Chrissie]

LAWRENCE: SOMETHING’S HAPPENED TO THE PLOT! SOMETHING’S CHANGED! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY TO REBECCA, CHRISSIE? HUH? WHAT DID YOU SAY WHEN WE WERE ALL CONVENIENTLY MOVED OFF SCREEN?

CHRISSIE: *Unconvincing Lie Alert* *Stutters for effect* I have no idea what you’re talking about! Whatever has happened to my dear Plot Device of a sister?

LAWRENCE: She’s up and left! Left us to deal with the Plot ourselves! Except with this block storytelling it probably means we’ll be shoved off screen now. Well...there’s always that future serial killer of a son of yours that might drag us into a new Plot.

CHRISSIE: *Unconvincing Lie Alert* *Stutters for effect* I’m as shocked as you are! Honest!

LAWRENCE: *Wants to murder the Plot Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Chrissie, Victoria, Lawrence and Ronnie]

*Lawrence and Ronnie walk into the back room*

LAWRENCE: *Wants to murder the Plot and Robert Sugden Face*

CHRISSIE: Wouldn’t you like to know what that was about!

ROBERT: I would as it happens. I assume this is about Rebecca. The Plot’s been wearing me down and it’s decided I almost care for the moment. Is she okay?

CHRISSIE: You’ll find out, when the Plot deems it appropriate.

ROBERT: *Stands* The Plot wants me to know now, apparently.

CHRISSIE: Yes, she’s fine. Tell the Plot to chill out. She’s just gone away for a bit. They thought her Plot Friend Victoria might know where she was. I have no idea why?

ROBERT: *Confused Face* Wasn’t she in hospital? (Ryan Hawley Should Do Audiobooks Subset of the Fandom: He said “hospital”! *Swoon*)

CHRISSIE: She was just gone when Dad when to visit her.

ROBERT: But you know where she is don’t you?

CHRISSIE: *Unconvincing Lie Alert* No I don’t.

ROBERT: Stop lying, you liar! I know you too well. You managed to convince your dad though so the Plot could allow us to have this exchange. People have missed our dynamic.

CHRISSIE: Only some of them, so I’m not talking to you anymore. None of this part of the Plot is any of your business.

ROBERT: This is definitely my business. I’ve missed our verbal sparring and I’m totally not done yet. This is the most fun I’m going to get to have today until I get some off screen time with my husband later.

CHRISSIE: *Failing at lying to Robert Alert* She doesn’t want anything to do with you.

ROBERT: *Having fun manipulating without consequences Face* That’s not what she told me.

CHRISSIE: When? I’m sure I would know about it. *I’ve missed our dynamic so much Face*

ROBERT: On the phone.

CHRISSIE: You’re bluffing. I know you too well too.

ROBERT: *Cute Eyebrow Raise*

CHRISSIE: *Failing at lying to Robert Alert* You’re the reason she’s not here. You will never see that child. (Fandom: Is that a promise? Don’t make promises you can’t keep.)

*Lawrence, Ronnie and Victoria walk out*

LAWRENCE: *Wants to murder the Plot and Robert Sugden Face*

ROBERT: Hey Lawrence! Chrissie knows all about this latest Plot development.

CHRISSIE: Do not!

ROBERT: Rebecca left so I can’t have anything to do with the baby. Internally, I’m thrilled about this! Externally, I’m enjoying playing the hell out of my ex wife. Don’t look at me like that Chrissie. You totally just admitted it. Now...admit that I’m the master!

CHRISSIE: *Don’t push your luck Face*

LAWRENCE: *Wants to murder the Plot and Robert Sugden Face* - yeah, no, still. It’s now my face’s default setting -

[Home Farm with Lawrence and Chrissie]

LAWRENCE: *Leaving a voicemail* Please come home Rebecca. This Plot can’t move forward until you return.

CHRISSIE: You can’t just make a phone call to get her back. That’s not how this works.

LAWRENCE: You lied to me!

CHRISSIE: I didn’t want to lie. The Plot made me, via Rebecca. It wasn’t my idea!

LAWRENCE: Oh, please! You wanted her to leave just as much as the fans. Don’t deny it. You just wanted all the scenes with Robert to yourself!

CHRISSIE: You’re one to talk, Dad. Don’t think Ronnie didn’t fill me in on your bit of manhandling yesterday!

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Paddy and Marlon]

PADDY: Blah Blah Blah...other storyline involving an ex that’s hanging around that probably wants to get back together with the person they were once with and is totally causing the person in the current relationship a lot of stress and paranoia...it has absolutely no similarities to other Plots that may be happening simultaneously that the two people in this scene should probably care about...Blah Blah Blah

*Aaron walks in*

PADDY: Tell him Aaron! Tell him to take risks and follow his heart like you did in that relationship I totally a hundred percent support!

AARON: Are you kidding me? First of all, this is the second time today someone has tried to drag me into this particular Plot and I’m sick of it. Just leave me to my background scowling. Second, and this is the big one, surrogate father, shouldn’t you...I don’t know...CARE ABOUT MY PLOT! At least a little bit? I mean, honestly Patrick! You were literally sitting with me on my flipping wedding day calling my husband Mr. Shifty and asking me if I really loved him. You, and Marlon, Dingle representative, were both present on Monday when the Plot had Chrissie shouting it about the pub that Rebecca’s pregnant with Robert’s child and neither one of you react AT ALL?!? Paddy, this is finally you’re big chance to get in your ‘I told you so’ and instead you’re using my miserable situation of a Plot to tell your best mate to take a risk and follow his heart?!? Flippin’ heck! Just because we’re not in the same storyline and just because the last cheating Plot one of us was involved in ruined our relationship, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t at least have a reaction! I know no one really wants to see everyone get all upset at Robert because other than us breaking up or this PlotBaby, the destruction of his hard won relationships with my family were one of their biggest fears. But I mean what was the point of all that on Monday if literally NO ONE CARES! ….Sorry...I’m having a rough day.

PADDY: No...we’re sorry Aaron. The Plot wouldn’t let us interfere, but you’re right, that’s hardly an excuse. I do care. I hope I get to show you again someday. And I did tell you so, but I’m glad you’re doing the mature thing and trying to work things out...instead of you know...staging a sit in in his house or something...which would be impossible because you live together...and work together...you know this sounded way better in my head.

MARLON: I’m sorry too Aaron. I’ve always had my own issues with Robert, so I really should have some kind of awkwardly quippy comment to make. I’m sorry I’ve let you down.

AARON: Yeah...whatever...gonna go back to my scowling and being conflicted in the background now.

MARLON: Great! So...Blah Blah Blah...other storyline….Blah Blah Blah!

[The Woolpack with Robert, Aaron and Victoria]

VICTORIA: Rebecca’s vanished!

AARON: Since when? And Vic, did you just get through a sentence without saying the word ‘Baby’?

VICTORIA: Rebecca is Baby adjacent so it’s okay.

ROBERT: She’s checked out and gone.

VICTORIA: No one knows where.

ROBERT: Well...Chrissie does. I know her too well so I know she’s totally lying.

AARON: Right...so...what are you going to do? I mean whatever you want to do is fine with me.

ROBERT: No, Aaron, whatever you want to do is fine with me because I’m not going to lose you over this.

AARON: No, Robert, I want to do what you want to do.

ROBERT: Aaron, we’ve been over this, I’ll do anything for you.

AARON: How long are we going to do this for?

ROBERT: I think that’s enough of a display of our codependency for today. The more I think about this whole #StupidSituation the more I think...let her go. It’s for the best. #Relatable #SpeakingForTheFandom

AARON: *Confused and Conflicted Face*

VICTORIA: *Confused and still wanting to talk about the Baby Face*

[Home Farm with Lawrence and Chrissie]

LAWRENCE: *Wants to murder the Plot Face*

CHRISSIE: Have you heard anything?

LAWRENCE: Of course not! You think we’re ever going to get any clear answers in this Plot. Now...tell me you weren’t happy to get rid of her?

CHRISSIE: Well I mean I have been in the past but this time, honest, I wanted her to stay. With her leaving, this Plot is just going to be stuck until she comes back.

LAWRENCE: You still lied to me and I’m going to continue being petty about that.

CHRISSIE: Look...you being petty and angry is what caused her “stress” problems in the first place and put her in hospital. If you keep pushing her, she’s not even going to talk to me anymore and then we’ll never know anything about this Plot!

*Chrissie leaves*

LAWRENCE: *Leaving a voicemail* Look, Rebecca, most of the fans were really thrilled to see you leave and a lot of them are hoping you don’t come back but I meant what I said earlier, this Plot can’t move on until you return. Also...if you could come back and convince the Plot to show you talking to a medical professional, everyone would be thrilled. This is the last time I’ll say it, I promise.

Chapter Text

13 June 2017

[David’s with Robert and Victoria]

VICTORIA: Hey Robert! We need to talk!

ROBERT: Save it Vic, we’ve already had this conversation like a thousand times. Besides, I haven’t heard from Rebecca and I’m TOTALLY cool with that. #Relatable

VICTORIA: But BABY!

ROBERT: Like I said, we’ve been over this. I want nothing to do with this baby Plot. I just want to bide my time until I get to plan sweet sweet revenge with my #BeautifulHusband in his hi-vis vest. It’s the next best thing to the #tb overalls.

VICTORIA: And I’m saying that we’re going to keep having this conversation until the Plot decides otherwise. You know we’re not allowed to advance the Plot in this episode. This is all just to remind the audience that this Plot is still in fact a thing and set up the fact that my BPFF (Best Plot Friend Forever) is coming back on Thursday In fact we’re going to basically redo this scene again later in this episode just to be sure that people get it.

ROBERT: Can’t wait! See you then! *Eye Roll*

[Strolling in the Village with Victoria, Diane and Bernice (Fandom: Why is Robert not in this scene with Bernice! Why can’t they be BPFFs once in a while)]

VICTORIA: Robert refuses to talk to me about this Plot Baby! Can’t you do something?!

DIANE: No pet, I’m not allowed to get involved in any meaningful way. I have my own super awesome miscommunication Plot to give the fans a little light comedy in the middle of this travesty. Look! Here it comes now! *Confused Face* Why is Doug hanging out with Lydia? #LydiaIsTheBest Besides, maybe you should let Robert make his own decisions. Someone in this Plot of yours should.

[The Woolpack with Robert, Victoria and Chrissie]

*Chrissie walks in*

ROBERT: *Oh no! I was just having a quiet pint, please don’t drag me into the Plot again Face*

CHRISSIE: *I don’t want to talk about the Plot Face*

VICTORIA: Well too bad! We’re gonna talk about the Plot! It’s been a week and a half since it was last on screen. The people need reminding!

ROBERT: Do we have to? I’m sure the fans can’t forget. Can we please just drop the whole thing? #Relatable Rebecca can look after herself...maybe...depending on which version of her character shows up.

CHRISSIE: She at least definitely doesn’t need you Robert! I’m really glad we’re on the same page in this.

VICTORIA: Well too bad! This isn’t about you! Either of you!

ROBERT: *Exactly! So why do you keep dragging me into it Face*

VICTORIA: Because! Rebecca is just a Plot Device in this! She can’t exist on her own in this Plot! She needs her BPFF and her family and definitely the man who she had the ons with and got her pregnant in the first place! Yes, Robert, that’s all I think of you as, other than the fact that you being the father means I’m blood related to this child. I don’t care about your marriage struggling or my marriage being maybe over because all I care about is BABIES! I’m majorly projecting my struggle to have a family of my own onto Rebecca and I’d just like a little support in that...er...I mean...she would!

CHRISSIE: And when she needs us, Dad and I will be there for her. But again, Robert, you definitely do not need to be involved.

ROBERT: Fine by me! It is nice to be on the same page again.

VICTORIA: *Wants to keep talking about the Baby Face*

CHRISSIE: Sorry, no more Plot Talk! Time to get me drunk so I don’t have to think about this Plot anymore or whatever is going on with my son and Belle Dingle at the moment. #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise Gin and Tonic please!

Chapter Text

15 June 2017

[The Scrapyard with Aaron, Robert, Adam and Pete] (Me: Yay my url is relevant again!!!)

PETE: *Says something in order to give Adam an opportunity to talk about his failing marriage* - no one really cares what Pete says right? -

ADAM: My marriage is failing! My life is ruined!

AARON: Oh, Adam, enough! We barely get the time to hang out these days due to the fact that the Plot apparently hates our friendship and here you are using the time to be all depressing!

ADAM: Says Mr. Chirpy himself! (Fandom: Yes! A new nickname! Mr. Chirpy and Mr. Shifty sitting in a scrapyard K-I-S-S-I-N-G first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes...oh no...I don’t like this song anymore)

AARON: *Slightly Offended Face* *Hey I’d like to be happy if the Plot would only let me be Face*

ROBERT: Right. Adam, you work on your cheerleading routine. Aaron! Come on...it’s shopping time!

AARON: *Wants to avoid that as long as possible face* Give me a second. *Goes into portacabin* Adam, mate! Sort it out if you’re this miserable. Honestly, my Plot is depressing enough without hearing about yours all the time.

ADAM: Speaking of your Plot. Robert actually slept with Rebecca unlike me who only briefly kissed Vanessa before practically running out of there and yet you forgave him and Vic is still giving me the cold shoulder.

AARON: Just talk to her.

ADAM: I’ve tried! We can’t all get a Maxine episode to work out all of our issues!

*Cute banter about freezing and de-icing* - what the hell was that Aaron? -

AARON: Just sort it out. This is driving me crazy. Plus, since our Plots so closely parallel, maybe if your situation works out, mine will too? Also, if you get back with Vic, maybe she’ll stop getting so invested in her BPFF.

ADAM: You’re right. Also, how could she resist this? *Gestures towards self*

AARON: *What did I ever see in you Face*

ADAM: Just going to have to rain down the love, aren’t I?

AARON: *So glad I got over that embarrassing crush on you Face*

[The Woolpack with Adam, Victoria and Zak]

ADAM: Vic! What time are you getting off?

VICTORIA: I’m off in a min - do people really shorten that in conversation? -

ADAM: Great!

VICTORIA: But then I have to go pick up my BPFF...I mean...do some festival stuff…

ADAM: I was really hoping we could talk. I feel like our Plot’s been pretty shafted lately since you got involved in your brother’s Plot...I mean your BPFF’s Plot.

VICTORIA: Much as I would love to discuss our Plot, I have a business to run...really...that’s totally what I’m doing today.

ZAK: Let me help with your business!

VICTORIA: You don’t even know what a vegan is!

ZAK: It was one time!

VICTORIA: WOW ZAK! LEAVE ME ALONE! MY BPFF IS CALLING AND I CARE ABOUT LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE RIGHT NOW!!!

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Robert and Adam]

ADAM: Yes boys! Come keep me company in my misery! Weren’t you going into town though?

AARON: Yeah, we’ve been.

*Cute banter about shopping* - for the fans (FANDOM: We take what we can get these days)

AARON: So, did you talk to Vic about your Plot? How did it go?

ADAM: Not great. She’s still too wrapped up in yours even though she lied about it. Just too busy getting on with her life apparently.

AARON: Sorry mate. I know my Plot sucks.

ROBERT: There is such a thing as having self respect *Robert Is A Hypocrite Alert*

ADAM: Things are looking up though now you’re back. It almost looks like I have friends now! And even if it is just for the Plot, at least our friendship is based on more than just a need for a pregnancy test.

ROBERT: Actually, we do kind of have plans...of the non Plot variety…

ADAM: Oh...

AARON: We were foolish to try and plan those anyway, Robert. The Plot obviously wants us to stay.

ROBERT: *Why won’t the Plot let me live Face*

AARON: Come on Adam, time to get me drunk. If the Plot wants us here, I reckon we’re going to need it. Also, I’m totally not paying for Plot!Drinks.

[Random car park with Victoria and Rebecca]

VICTORIA: *Drives Diddy Diner Van in an attempt to fool the audience into thinking she was actually doing work* *Sees BPFF* *Smiles* *Squeals* I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T GOING TO COME AND YOU WERE GOING TO DENY ME A CHANCE TO CONTINUE TO OBSESS OVER THIS BABY!

*Hugs like they’ve been friends for years and not five minutes* (Fandom: *Confused Face*)

REBECCA: Well...I did change my mind a billion times as I usually do...but the Plot wants me here, so here I am.

VICTORIA: I HAVE BEEN DESPERATE TO GET A HOLD OF YOU TO CONTINUE TALKING ABOUT THIS BABY. NO ONE ELSE WILL TALK TO ME ABOUT IT.

REBECCA: I know...I got your tsunami of messages...Don’t you ever do anything besides obsess over my baby? (Fandom: When did Rebecca become the less annoying character of the two?)

VICTORIA: *I didn’t hear a word you just said because all I’m thinking about is babies Face* IT’S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!!!

*Another big hug that looks like they’ve been best friends forever and separated for years instead of two weeks*

[Random park with Victoria and Rebecca]

VICTORIA: So...where were you for the last two weeks which was apparently a lifetime in my head.

REBECCA: Here and there. I don’t have details when they’re not relevant to the Plot. Or friends for that matter. But apparently I slept on some sofas.

VICTORIA: SOFAS! HOW DARE THEY NOT GIVE THE BABY…I mean you….A BED!!!

REBECCA: Sigh...this Plot is a mess. I think...maybe...I’m partially responsible...I don’t know if I’m allowed to admit–

VICTORIA: NOPE! YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIT FAULT! YOU’RE HAVING A BABY! THAT HAS ABSOLVED YOU OF ANY GUILT!

REBECCA: *Weird look that will feed the Theories Face*

VICTORIA: You are still having a baby aren’t you? Because that’s the only reason I care about you. So if that’s not a possibility anymore –

REBECCA: No no, I’m still pregnant. Obviously. (Fandom: Obviously?! Really?! Have you been to a doctor yet...besides the one you went to for your stress pains who we never saw who apparently is the most inept doctor ever since they didn’t do a scan! And here we thought Hotten General was a magical place of fast healing. Guess you don’t have to be competent if it’s just the Plot that wants you to get your patients better and out of the hospital) But can’t you see how this Plot has wrecked my character…I mean...head! Everyone’s invested in it. (Fandom: We’re not!) Even the auntie...which really is getting over the top...don’t you think?

VICTORIA: NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! MY BEHAVIOR IS TOTALLY NORMAL!

REBECCA: It’s too much #SpeakingForTheFandom (Fandom: When did she start making sense?) People either desperately want me to have it...like you…

VICTORIA: BABY!

REBECCA: ...Or desperately want me not to (Fandom: Ooh! Ooh! We don’t want you to!) I don’t even feel like it’s my child. It’s just a #PlotDevice for people to engage in discourse over and take sides over that divide the fandom! And it’s not even here yet? Can you imagine what will happen when it is? If there’s even a fandom left by then…

VICTORIA: I’m so sorry - Wow it’s almost like I responded reasonably there. Maybe my character is still salvageable after they scrape it up off the pavement from where that bus ran me over -

REBECCA: I’m sorry too because I’m leaving. (Fandom: Never apologize for that!)

VICTORIA: YOU CAN’T GO BACK TO SLEEPING ON SOFAS! THINK ABOUT THE BABY! - Oh look...the bus is coming back -

REBECCA: I’m moving to Melbourne at the end of the week. (Fandom: That sounds fake...but okay. See ya!)

VICTORIA: I thought you were happy here.

REBECCA: I was until I got dragged into this Plot.

VICTORIA: BUT THIS PLOT BROUGHT YOU A BABY! SO STAY!

REBECCA: But all this Plot does is make me an obstacle for this baby’s father and his husband and they will hate this baby...and so will the fans. I really wanted the fans to like me.

VICTORIA: ROBERT WILL TOTALLY LOVE THIS BABY BECAUSE I WILL MAKE HIM...OKAY?

REBECCA: I want to do this on my own terms.

VICTORIA: THE PLOT AND I WON’T LET YOU!

REBECCA: And then there’s my family…

VICTORIA: I DON’T CARE BEX! THIS IS YOUR BABY! YOURS! REALLY! I TOTALLY KNOW THAT IT’S YOUR BABY AND NOT MINE BECAUSE I’M TOTALLY NOT PROJECTING AT ALL! YOU HAVE ALL THE POWER! HONESTLY! EXCEPT I’M TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE YOU DO WHAT I WANT BECAUSE THE PLOT HATES ME RIGHT NOW AND APPARENTLY WANTS TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A LUNATIC SO THAT YOU SOMEHOW COME OFF AS THE RATIONAL ONE AND THE AUDIENCE WILL WARM TO YOU FINALLY.

REBECCA: *Blink* *Blink* *Blink* *Blink* *Can I blink myself out of this Plot Face*

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Robert and Adam + Bonus Background Marlon]

*Boys Playing Darts* - Please let Aaron actually join in!

*Aaron and Marlon having a very animated hand gesture conversation in the background* (Fandom: We would love to know what they’re discussing)

ADAM: I’m really hot! Vic totally still fancies me!

ROBERT: *Laughs hysterically* Vic doesn’t care about you! She only cares about my unborn child!

ADAM: Not many women would kick this out of bed!

ROBERT: I would...but I digress. I hear you’ve been dumped by pretty much every girl you’ve been out with.

ADAM: Come on Rob! I need her back! And you want her out of your Plot and all!

ROBERT: You snogged Vanessa. I’m the last person that’s going to give you a recommendation. You’re a car crash. *Robert Is REALLY A Hypocrite Alert*

ADAM: *Points out that Robert is a complete and total hypocrite* You’re married to my best mate and you got Rebecca pregnant!

AARON: Hey remember me? I’m totally right here, getting your drinks. And you’re both equal screw ups when it comes to relationships. Deal with it. I apparently am...really well...is it the Plot or am I actually still going to counseling?

ROBERT: *To Adam* And you wonder why I’m not going to help you get back with Vic. *Robert Is STILL a Hypocrite Alert*

AARON: *I want out of this Plot Face*

[The Woolpack with Chrissie, Lawrence, Robert, Adam, Aaron, Victoria and Rebecca]

*Boys playing darts* *Clear view of Robert’s elbow patches* *It’s the ssw shirt!*

CHRISSIE: I don’t know how much longer I can sit here and watch that sickening oxygen thief #SnarkyChrissieIsTheBestChrissie

LAWRENCE: We’ll leave this Plot soon. Lucky needs some comforting over his gross virginity Plot with Belle. #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise

*Boys playing darts* *Robert failing at darts* *Adam broing down with Robert and hitting him on the back of the head and shoving him* *Quality Trash Talking Robert Banter* - for the fans

ROBERT: Stop crashing our date! If it weren’t for you, we could be escaping the Plot right now!

ADAM: Vic and I used to go out on dates…

AARON: Oh hi...still here...Adam you’re an idiot.

ROBERT: *Eats cheese and onion crisps with his sleeves rolled up* - for the fans - (Fandom: Look...we’re desperate here!)

ADAM: *Sad Face*

ROBERT: What? Cheese and onion Vic’s favorite as well?

ADAM: I’m heartbroken here. Have some sympathy!

*Victoria and Rebecca walk in*

ADAM: Vic!

ROBERT: *Apparently too absorbed in his cheese and onion crisps to notice who’s walked in* JUST GET OVER HER MATE!

*Robert and Aaron see Rebecca*

ROBERT: *Guilty Face* - I really thought I was done with that one -

AARON: *I fucking hate this Plot Face*

CHRISSIE: Rebecca! Oh is that why we’re still in the pub?!

[The Woolpack with Rebecca, Chrissie, Lawrence, Victoria, Adam and Marlon]

CHRISSIE: Why didn’t you tell us you were coming back?

VICTORIA: She only decided an hour ago because I forced her into it. But it was totally her decision.

MARLON: Oi! Can you keep your nose out of other people’s Plots and do some work!

VICTORIA: I can be in whatever Plot I want Marlon! Calm yourself!

ADAM: *Exists*

VICTORIA: Adam, not now!

LAWRENCE: It’s so great to have you back! Now maybe the Plot can move forward!

CHRISSIE: Yes! How are things with the baby?

REBECCA: Great! As great as they can be when you’ve never been to a proper doctor’s appointment!

LAWRENCE: And you are sticking around this time? Until the next time they need this Plot to be off screen at least?

REBECCA: Yes…

CHRISSIE: You can always stay with me...which is mildly ridiculous because there’s no set for my house so I’m always at Home Farm anyway. But you can totally still stay…

REBECCA: Actually I’m moving in with my BPFF, Victoria.

CHRISSIE: Why the hell would you do that? #SpeakingForTheFandom

REBECCA: I just really want to do this on my own terms...well Victoria’s terms really but who’s really paying attention to that…

CHRISSIE: Well...whatever Victoria wants…

[The Woolpack with Robert, Aaron, Adam, Victoria, Rebecca + Bonus Pierce and the Police]

*Pierce getting arrested in the background* (Fandom: It’s about damn time! Stupid block storytelling!)

ADAM: *Staring at Rebecca* Well now I’ll never be able to move back in! Your Plot is ruining everything boys!

ROBERT: Or maybe your Plot ruined everything when it made you snog Vanessa. *Robert Is STILL Being A MASSIVE Hypocrite*

VICTORIA: *To Rebecca* HERE! EAT THIS FOOD! I WON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER! I’M GOING TO CONTROL EVERY ASPECT OF YOUR LIFE FROM NOW ON!

Rebecca: *What did I get myself into Face* Oh goodie!

*Adam, Aaron and Robert looking depressed as fuck in the background*

VICTORIA: Eugh! Look at those three people that I used to care about more than anything! Now I only care about you, my BPFF, and the baby that is totally yours...yes...definitely yours and not mine.

*Back at the bar*

AARON: Are you sure you’re okay? - Look at me still being considerate even though no one has asked how I feel lately -

ROBERT: Just stop asking me that! - Look at me totally being a jerk to my husband because I’m totally freaking out that she’s back. Why couldn’t she just stay away. - Is anyone serving here?

AARON: I literally only asked once Robert. And I guess you are bothered.

ROBERT: Can you just get off my case! I’m assuming you totally have asked me this a hundred times off screen because otherwise my reaction makes no sense. Also...let me state again for the people in the back, namely my sister, that I’m totally okay with Rebecca doing this on her own.

(Fandom: Let’s go back to watching Pierce get arrested. That Plot is still good. Proud of you Rhona!)

Chapter Text

16 June 2017

[The Cafe with Victoria, Rebecca and a lurking Adam]

VICTORIA: Thanks for paying for this nondescript food item on my plate. (Writer’s Notes: Okay I don’t know what it is and it kind of looks like Toast but Toast is reserved for Aaron, so there.)

REBECCA: No problem. It’s my treat since you’re forcing me to stay here.

VICTORIA: Yeah, I know my house sucks and it’s not the mansion you’re used to.

REBECCA: It’s not just a house, it’s a home. #UnearnedSentimentality

VICTORIA: Well, you can stay as long as the Plot wants!

REBECCA: Sure you’re up to hosting the mother of the antichrist? - yes I did just refer to the baby I think I love as the antichrist. Just trying to resonate with the fans that call my baby Spawn of Satan -

VICTORIA: Well I’m the antichrist’s auntie so… (Fandom: And we’re pretty anti you right now Vic. Look we can do wordplay too!)

REBECCA: Great! So that means I’m going to let you into my secret baby club.

*Adam walks in*

VICTORIA: BABY! But I don’t want to be there for the birth. If I am, at this rate I’ll probably pull it out of you and run off with it.

ADAM: *Confused Face* - sounds about right -

REBECCA: Totally fine. I’ll probably be off screen for it anyway because the Plot doesn’t want to ever show me with a medical professional, so it won’t really matter either way. But, no, I’ve got my first scan. Yes, you heard that right. I still haven’t been to the doctor or had a scan, despite almost getting an abortion multiple times and actually being in hospital for stress. Also...do you like my super yellow dress that’s pretty tight on me so you would be able to see if I was showing but hey, guess what, I’m not. #LetTheTheoryLive

VICTORIA: Wow! This is a momentous occasion! I’ll text Marlon and leave him in the lurch so he can have a go at me later and we’ll go together because...BABY!

ADAM: *...the fuck is this Plot and why is my wife such good friends with the woman who is possibly still breaking up her brother’s marriage Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Aaron, Adam and Marlon]

AARON: Hey Robert, you’ve been proper weird since Rebecca came back - and by that I mean you’re super closed off and constantly snapping at me and I’m kind of getting sick of it. It really sucks that we haven’t learned to communicate at all yet except for those rare episodes where we actually get to talk to each other but they ultimately amount to nothing. -

ROBERT: How paranoid are you? - Sorry, I’m not coping and I’m really off my game so I’m snapping at you with January material, which is ridiculous because I get that you have every right to be paranoid now since I went and basically proved you right. Have I mentioned how thankful I am for those #QueenMaxine episodes that let us actually talk for a bit and let you go to counseling so that you could find it in your heart to forgive me...also our complete codependence -

ADAM: Hey boys! I hate your Plot so much. She’s been at Vic’s five minutes and already she’s ordering her around.

MARLON: She being? - hey just dropping into this Plot briefly for a moment. Sorry Aaron, I still can’t get involved properly but since Vic is firmly wedged in your Plot and god knows where Charity is, I’m the only one able to cover the bar. God I miss Chas! When’s she coming back? Anyway, I’m just going to casually drop in a few lines to prompt you to say things. It’ll be a fun game. I promise -

ROBERT: Vic’s problem since she’s decided they’re BPFFs, definitely not mine because I really don’t want to be involved in this Plot anymore. #LetTheTheoryLive So Aaron, movie night? Away from the Plot?

ADAM: Sorry boys, I doubt date night is happening tonight either cause I’m just going to keep talking. Pint please Marlon. I don’t get it though, Vic used to be such an anti when it came to Rebecca. She used to hate girls like that, all posh with glossy hair and stupid hippie hats. #SpeakingForTheFandom

AARON: I thought we were supposed to be going out. I can’t even keep track of what the conversation is anymore… *Confused Face*

ROBERT: No, apparently we’re not. The Plot wants us never to leave the pub.

ADAM: Rebecca’s got her wrapped around her little finger and now Rebecca’s getting her to drop everything to take her to hospital. None of it makes sense bro!

ROBERT: Hospital? (Ryan Hawley Should Do Audiobooks Subset of the Fandom: He said “hospital”! *Swoon*) *Conflicted Face*

ADAM: Yeah...I’m not supposed to tell you which obviously means the Plot wants me to spill so...Rebecca’s having a scan. Supposedly her first one and all...which...that just seems wrong…

ROBERT: *Conflicted Face* I really don’t want anything to do with this Plot or this Plot Baby.

AARON: *Totally knows my husband is conflicted and may eventually want something to do with this Plot Baby Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Aaron, Adam, Victoria, Rebecca, Marlon, Chrissie and Ross]

AARON: *Totally knows my husband is conflicted and may eventually want something to do with this Plot Baby Face* - yep, still. Just waiting for the Plot to make it happen -

ROBERT: *Conflicted Face* What?

AARON: Nothin’ - I really wish we could actually talk to each other. I miss having real lines -

ROSS: *Enters the pub* Hey everyone! I’m still involved in this Plot for some undisclosed reason. #LetTheTheoryLive

AARON: *Totally knows my husband is conflicted and may eventually want something to do with this Plot Baby Face* - it’s probably going to be my thing for a while

ROBERT: Stop staring at me! *Conflicted Face* - I hope we get to yell at each other or something soon again because I miss having actual dialogue too.

*Rebecca and Victoria enter*

ADAM: Hey! Look who’s here...what a shock.

REBECCA: Let’s just go somewhere else. - wow I actually sound reasonable and not like I’m trying to cause trouble...of course this is probably just because I’m standing next to Victoria -

VICTORIA: Nope! We’re stopping here. One prosecco Marlon! And a non alcoholic drink for my BPFF who is totally pregnant in case anyone in this pub forgot.

MARLON: *Wide eyed please don’t drag me into this part of the Plot Face* Please stop interfering in other people’s Plots. You’re supposed to be here, helping me...you know...your job.

VICTORIA: I’ll make up the time! It was an emergency.

REBECCA: All my fault. #SpeakingForTheFandom

VICTORIA: Yeah, we had to go to the hospital FOR HER SCAN! YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, AN ACTUAL SCAN, FINALLY, EXCEPT NO ONE SAW IT AND I’M NOT EVEN SURE I WAS IN THE ROOM - and even if I was, I’m becoming less and less of a reliable narrator because I’ve clearly lost it - BUT STILL...A SCAN! *Looks at Robert* OH DON’T PRETEND YOU DON’T KNOW. MY BIG MOUTH POSSIBLY EX HUSBAND WAS LURKING IN THE BACKGROUND OF OUR SCENE EARLIER JUST SO HE COULD TELL YOU.

ADAM: It’s his kid!

VICTORIA: NO! #LetTheTheoryLive IT’S HERS! And I didn’t want her going on her own, because then no one would believe that she went at all but again...I’m hardly reliable these days. That Baby Kool Aid is really strong and judgement impairing.

REBECCA: But don’t worry, the scan that no one saw was totally normal. Now I get to enjoy eating for two. And hey, maybe if I eat enough, it’ll sort of look like I’m showing because...well…

VICTORIA: We got a picture for the scrapbook if you want to see it Chrissie! Don’t you like how we’re best pals now even though you totally framed my brother for attempted murder and forced him to go on the run. Don’t worry, the Baby Kool Aid made me forget all of that.

ROBERT: *Conflicted Face*

CHRISSIE: I really don’t understand why we’re suddenly friends, especially since everyone else is reminding me all about the Andy thing this week. But yes, I’d love to see the picture!

REBECCA: Got a little wave, didn’t we Vic! (Fandom: Wait...what?)

VICTORIA: *Baby!!! Face*

*Wide shot shows that there’s literally no one else in the pub except for the people involved in this Plot* #LetTheTheoryLive

REBECCA: *Pulls out photo* *Keeps back side to camera* *Shot cuts away before photo can be revealed or Chrissie’s reaction can be seen* (Fandom: Are you kidding me?!) #LetTheTheoryLive

ROBERT: Time for a waz I think. #SpeakingForTheFandom

AARON: *My husband is super classy and totally conflicted about this whole thing and I wish he wasn’t because I don’t want to be dealing with any of this Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Aaron, Adam, Marlon and Ross]

ROSS: *Asshole Mode Activate* How’s it going Baby Daddy? Glad that Mummy’s back? I love getting to be a jerk for Plot purposes. Too bad it’s all going to backfire on me next week but your fan’s need for enjoyment trumps my need for a functioning business so…

REBECCA: *Conflicted Face*

ROBERT: *Conflicted Face* - no scratch that - *Revenge Face* I want that money back. All of it. The fans are tired of this Plot and they want me and my #BeautifulHusband to have some fun for change. They miss our smiles.

ROSS: Oh yeah, that time I blackmailed you for Plot reasons so you could whisk hubby off to Mauritius for five weeks so I wouldn’t tell him you slept with a woman. Good times!

ROBERT: *Revenge Face* *I’m bisexual, I slept with another person, doesn’t matter that it was a woman besides this whole irritating pregnancy bit Face*

AARON: Should we just go. I see your Revenge Face and while it totally turns me on, I know how your plans usually work out…

MARLON: Yeah, maybe leaving is a good idea. I can’t really get involved in this Plot, as you know, but I’m still trying to do my bit.

ROBERT: Nope. We’re totally staying. This revenge thing needs a bit more set up. And don’t worry Aaron, you’re going to have fun with it next week...at least till someone inevitably gets hurt.

ADAM: Ross, just do one will ya! Can I get in on this revenge thing too?

ROSS: What does he have to do for you to actually break up with him Aaron? Is this actually cutting it? Am I being enough of an asshole yet? I feel like I should be doing more.

[The Woolpack with Robert, Aaron, Adam, Victoria, Rebecca and Ross]

ROSS: *Stares at Robert, Aaron and Adam* *Shakes head* - it’s apparently really easy to rile them up -

ROBERT: Yep! I’m riled. If he so much as looks at me one more time. *Revenge Face*

AARON: Stop staring at him then. *Tired of this Plot Face* - I really hope I do have fun with this revenge thing next week. I could use a break from this misery. -

ADAM: Let’s just go back to yours for a few beers. People want to see the Mill set more and we can plan out that revenge thing.

VICTORIA: Hey I’m still here, making no sense! YOU CAN SULK AS MUCH AS YOU WANT BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT YOU ROBERT! EVERYTHING IS ABOUT THE BABY!!!

ROBERT: He started it. #LetTheTheoryLive

VICTORIA: ROBERT I LOVE YOU - really, somewhere in there - BUT REBECCA IS CARRYING YOUR BABY THAT IS RELATED TO ME, SO SHE AND THE BABY ARE ALL THAT MATTERS! DEAL WITH IT!

REBECCA: Please...if we don’t have anymore drama, maybe this Plot can be put on the backburner again and we can all go about our lives ignoring it.

ROBERT: So...do one...that will end this Plot.

ROSS: Hey! Just so everyone is aware! I totally had sex with Rebecca in the bogs earlier this year! She was a real goer. Was she that way with you Robert? - somebody please tell me why i’m still in this Plot? - #LetTheTheoryLive

REBECCA: Remember that time you got your girlfriend’s mother pregnant… #LetTheTheoryLive

ROSS: Ex girlfriend.

REBECCA: I don’t need this. I’ll leave you boys to your revenge Plots. *Leaves*

VICTORIA: Where Rebecca goes, I follow! Grow up, the lot of ya!

ROSS: *makes more sexist comments* - hey, it’s what the Plot calls for -

ROBERT: Just shut up!

ROSS: Oh...defending your girlfriend. Bless.

AARON: *I fucking hate Plot Face* He’s not worth it.

ADAM: I know! I’ll get us more drunk instead...cause we haven’t been sat here drinking for hours already. You can tell by the fact that we’ve move from the bar to a table and there are actually extras in the background now. Besides, it will totally help us with those revenge plans. I do get to be involved right?!

ROBERT: I’m sorry Aaron. I really didn’t want any of this Plot.

AARON: Me neither. But Ross isn’t going to drop this either. He’s a slave to the Plot just like us. So...I guess maybe we can do the revenge thing.

ROBERT: Yes! You won’t regret it Aaron. It’s gonna be awesome! We’re going to have tons of fun with it and the fans will be happy because we’ll be happy. We’ll get to smile and be snarky and I think Rebecca’s going to be busy with other Plots next week so we’ll have this one all to ourselves...well...us and Ross...but we’re getting REVENGE on him! Yay!

AARON: *My husband is way too excited by the idea of revenge and I’m sure it will all end badly but I would like to have some fun along the way so I’ll go along with it Face*

Chapter Text

19 June 2017

[The Cafe with Robert, Aaron, Adam, Ross and Finn]

FINN: Hey are we still on for tonight’s illegal activities that are totally going to get ruined by this #RobronRevenge scheme?

ROSS: Totally! See ya later.

ADAM: Bacon Butties are totally going to kill me one of these days…Also, I’m loving the fact that I finally get to hang out with you two. BroT3 for life!

ROSS: Hi! I wanted just wanted to apologize.

ROBERT: That sounds fake...but okay.

ROSS: Yeah, it totally is. Anyway I’m going to mock you for “expecting” and be really smug about you being a father to make the Tinfoil Hat Fandom really excited about the fact that I’m still involved in this Plot. #LetTheTheoryLive

AARON: I really hope you regret all of this smugness in a few months. #LetTheTheoryLive

ROSS: Gonna ignore that. Hey, Robert! Are you excited about having a little mini me running around? #WayTooSmug #LetTheTheoryLive (Me: It would be a matching jeans and floral print shirt combo anyway)

ROBERT: You done?

ROSS: Hardly. I’ll think of more later. Robert Sugden! The gift that keeps on giving. (Fandom: Yes?)

*Scheming Husbands Activate*

[Dale View with Robert, Aaron and Finn]

AARON: Hi Finn, I’m here to distract you while Robert screws you and Ross over. I’ll just count this as part of my revenge for calling the police on me when I hit Kasim because I know a bunch of the fans were really upset that nothing ever happened after that...apart from the whole me going to prison thing so that my husband could cheat on me and this whole Plot could begin.

FINN: Great! Let’s all go outside!

ROBERT: *Makes lame excuse*

FINN: Sure! This is not suspicious at all!

*Aaron and Finn leave*

ROBERT: *Steals taxi keys* (Me: Come on Robert! Steal back the #ThemeParkBear! Do it for me!)

[The Woolpack with Rebecca, Victoria and Ross]

REBECCA: Hey Vic, you know what really sucks? Finally having pregnancy symptoms only when you’ve reached your second trimester.

VICTORIA: Oh my god! I know! Except I don’t, because I’ve totally never been pregnant, which is why I’ve latched onto you like a leech! It just means I don’t think that’s weird at all and won’t question you. Also...men should experience morning sickness too.

*Enter a man*

REBECCA: Just couldn’t help yourself yesterday, getting involved in this Plot again! It’s almost like there’s a reason for it! #LetTheTheoryLive

ROSS: Oh, so this is all my fault? #LetTheTheoryLive

REBECCA: Oh grow up! - and by that I might mean, step up because you’re gonna be a daddy...again - #LetTheTheoryLive

[The Woolpack with Ross, Finn and Emma]

EMMA: I’m back from my Holy Holiday! How are our money troubles?

ROSS: Yeah great! All taken care of by illegal activity!

EMMA: Wonderful, I’m going to go drink now! I can even get extra drunk now that we can afford it.

ROSS: This is working out so well.

FINN: No it’s not. Our taxi has been stolen. Robert and Aaron even came by nicely to warn us about it.

ROSS: No! Not Robert!

EMMA: What about Robert?

ROSS: Nothing mum. I’m barely a part of that Plot anymore. I swear...I hope… #LetTheTheoryLive

[The Scrapyard with Robert, Aaron and Ross]

*#SchemingHusbands are awesome and super smug about it*

*Ross remains trapped in this Plot* #LetTheTheoryLive

[Dale View with Ross and Finn]

ROSS: I’m going to kill them slowly.

FINN: Or we could call the police like normal people. I love calling the police on Aaron.

ROSS: Well, see we can’t because I got dragged into this Plot with Robert and Rebecca and I may have accidentally blackmailed him to serve the Plot so now we can’t call the Police. Also...this means I’m still in this Plot and still trying to figure out the reason why. #LetTheTheoryLive

[Outside with the Porsche with Robert, Aaron, Lydia!!! And Ross]

*#SchemingHusbands are ready to celebrate* (Fandom: Probably with lots of sex. Also...are they really going to drink all of that?)

LYDIA: *Appears* Hey Len and Bruno! (Fandom: Lydia!!!! In a scene with Robron!!! Our dreams are coming true!!!)

AARON: Is she talking to us?

LYDIA: I hear you two love to dance?

ROBERT: *Have you met my husband Aaron ‘Technically This Is Just Standing’ Dingle Face*

AARON: *Oh no I only stand thanks Face*

ROSS: *Steals the Porsche*

ROBERT: Nooooooooooooooo! (Fandom: We love shouty Robert!)

[The Scrapyard with Robert, Aaron, Ross and Adam]

ROSS: Hey Bertie! I stole your car and you have crap taste in music #Continuity

ROBERT: I do not have crap taste in music!

AARON: Don’t! Remember, I think it’s sweet.

ROBERT: I love that car almost as much as I love my husband. You better give it back!

ROSS: Not until you give me lots of money. - Isn’t that how we got here in the first place? - This must be a nice distraction from that whole pregnancy Plot that I’m still totally a part of. #LetTheTheoryLive

ROBERT: Don’t talk about that! (Tinfoil Hat Fandom: No, let him!) This isn’t over.

ROSS: Oh, I know...unfortunately. *Waits for all of this to backfire* *Leaves feeling smug anyway*

ADAM: Hey bros! Still loving being a part of this whole thing. Here’s Ross’s phone. See what you can do with that. The fans are having way too much fun with this for you to stop now!

[The Cafe with Emma, Harriet and Cain]

EMMA: My Holy Holiday was great. I feel so close to God. The fact that I totally killed my husband is hardly weighing me down at all anymore. - is that ever going to come out? - By the way, I’m really concerned about my son Ross getting involved in this Plot with Robert and Rebecca. After what happened with Debbie...you know...people dying in that helicopter crash and all that other horrible fallout. I’m really concerned. #LetTheTheoryLive

CAIN: Don’t talk about Debbie! Oh, hi Harriet. Just reminding people that we still have a little Plot going on ourselves.

HARRIET: Get lost Cain.

EMMA: Anyway, can you get involved in this whole Ross, Robert and Rebecca Plot? Someone needs to get stabbed tomorrow and I’d rather it not be me.

[Wylie’s Farm with Robert, Aaron, Ross and Finn] (Fandom: Look how far they’ve come. From covering up accidental manslaughter because Robert couldn’t handle their relationship to being scheming, spying husbands! *swoon*)

*#SchemingHusbands still being awesome*

*Ross and Finn arrive*

*#SchemingHusbands climbing over walls* (Fandom: Nooo! Ryan watch out for your knee!)

*#SchemingHusbands peeking out from behind walls* (Fandom: This is the greatest thing to ever happen)

*Ross and Finn leave*

ROBERT: *Breaks open door*

AARON: *I’ve never been more turned on in my life Face*

*See cannabis farm*

AARON: Well these aren’t normal plants. You thinking what I’m thinking?

ROBERT: Definitely! Ross Barton, the gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving. (Fandom: You don’t say…) #LetTheTheoryLive

Chapter Text

22 June 2017

[The Cafe (The New Mill) with Robert, Aaron, Victoria and Rebecca]

VICTORIA: Hey, I’m wearing butterflies today in an effort to get the fans to like me again because I know how much they liked your butterfly blanket. (Fandom: You’re going to have to do more than that Vic) Also...Look, I care about other people besides your unborn child. Harriet’s still in a coma as a result of your latest failed plan that I know nothing about.

AARON: I’m sure she’ll pull through. The Sun hasn’t announced that she is leaving yet.

VICTORIA: How did she even end up being involved in your scheme?

ROBERT: Look, Emma got involved with the Plot, okay! It’s not our fault. And my plan did not fail, it actually worked brilliantly. I just didn’t know there were actual drug dealers involved. So get off my back.

*Rebecca Enters* (Fandom: Sigh…)

ROBERT: *Oh god, not the Plot Face* I’m busy...doing literally anything else, but mostly enjoying a nice meal with my #BeautifulHusband and my sister who for once has other words coming out of her mouth other than ‘Baby’. I mean, we could have been having this meal in our brand new kitchen on that brand new set they built for us, but unfortunately we had to have it here because there’s no way I’m just letting you stroll into my new house ever again, so the cafe it is. But I’m really not ready for this Plot Point yet so, don’t ruin it yeah?

REBECCA: Sorry, due to the other Plot I’m tangentially involved in, I now really care about paternity. Also, The Plot gave me a heads up that Aaron is pushing you to talk to me. So, here I am, ready to talk about our baby’s future!

AARON: *I still hate this fucking Plot even if I’m trying to be there for my husband Face*

ROBERT: Wait...didn’t you want to do this on your own, on your own terms and all that? I thought everyone was content to leave me out of it. This Plot Baby’s not even born yet and it’s already taking over all of my screen time.

VICTORIA: Robert! BABY! - yep, I’m back to that again -

REBECCA: It’s no use Vic, your secret plan to get him to care by me suddenly doing a 180 on how I feel about his involvement didn’t work. Sorry. I’m just going to take my literal hat and go. - seriously, why am I just carrying this thing around if I’m not going to wear it? -

VICTORIA: Why don’t you care about the BABY?!

ROBERT: *Eye Roll*

AARON: No, she’s right Robert, we talked about this. I’m putting aside my own feelings to be supportive for you, so...get to it….oh fine...BABY! Happy Vic?

ROBERT: *Eye Roll* *Oh great now it’s both of them Face* Fine...if it will get both of you off my back for a bit, next time Plot contrivances put us in the same room, I’ll talk to her.

VICTORIA: *Well it’s a start Face*

AARON: *I know this genre doesn’t do time jumps but can we please do one so we can all move on Face*

[Main Street with Robert, Aaron and Finn]

*Robert and Aaron walk down the street together* (Fandom: Hold hands, you’re married!!!)

FINN: Have you seen Ross?

*Robert and Aaron keep walking* (Fandom: No really, why aren’t you holding hands?)

FINN: Stop ignoring me! I really need to ask you a question! Uhhh…..Cain! That’ll do it!

AARON: Cain? Now suddenly I care.

ROBERT: Aaron, I still don’t care. Let’s just go back to that set no one will ever see again...get some non Plot time for ourselves before our next scheduled visit to the cafe.

FINN: But he heard me talking about the drugs because I was an idiot and was talking out loud to a coma patient...yes, I know this isn’t the first time. Anyway, now Ross has vanished and I’m a tiny bit worried that maybe he’s learning a little bit more about how our dad died without any of us realizing it because that Plot is still dragging on.

ROBERT: Look, I already got scolded by my husband for going too far with that, so I’d just prefer to stay out of it from now on. Was that better Aaron?

FINN: Well, then you shouldn’t have stolen our stolen drugs in the first place then! Look if Cain’s involved, I’m hardly going to be able to do anything about it.

AARON: *Ugh why are we involved in any of these stupid Plots Face* Why do you keep going on about Cain? I don’t even understand how he got mixed up in this Plot?

FINN: I don’t know. There’s clearly something we’re all missing. But that’s par for the course. #LetTheTheoryLive

ROBERT: Come on Aaron, please, can we go back. We’re running out of non Plot time. I really just want to cuddle on the sofa at the Mill with you for a while. Maybe we can even make a reference to it at some point later down the line that we like to cuddle on the sofa and then the Fandom can be upset that they’ve never seen it.

AARON: Sorry Finn, I’m sick of all of these Plots and I really do want some non Plot time with my #AlmostQuiteFitHusband But if I hear anything, I’ll let you know.

[The Cafe (where else) with Victoria, Rebecca, Robert and Aaron]

VICTORIA: *Carrying Milk* - I’m sure this could mean something….- Sorry Robert isn’t as obsessed with the BABY as I am.

REBECCA: That’s hardly your fault. It must have been like whiplash for him, me all of a sudden wanting him to be involved. I know it is for me, my mind constantly changing all the time.

VICTORIA: I did tell him he needed to start caring. Are you okay? - at least I’m mostly speaking in my normal voice today -

REBECCA: This other Plot I’m involved in with Chrissie has really made me reconsider everything. It’s why this Plot sent me to talk to Robert. She’s so single mindedly focused on finding out about her birth father even though my dad is making it near impossible because he can’t figure out how to stop lying ALL THE TIME. It’s really messed her up, not knowing who her real dad is.

VICTORIA: And you don’t want that for the BABY? (Tinfoil Hat Fandom: Stop saying things like this! #LetTheTheoryLive)

REBECCA: I’m not going to force him into anything. I’ll leave that up to you. But I’m sure everyone, including my “BFF Aaron”, would be happy if he was just honest about how he feels about the Plot Baby already. I’m tired of seeing his Conflicted Face all the time.

*Door opens and Robert and Aaron walk in*

VICTORIA: Well that was impeccable timing. Robert, I trust you’re ready to talk about the BABY now if I leave you to it?

ROBERT: *Oh here we go Face*

*Victoria and Aaron awkwardly stand by the counter trying to remember that they used to be friends* (Me: Doesn’t that milk need to be refrigerated?)

REBECCA: Look Robert. I only came back because the Plot made me. I’m not trying to ruin your life with my Plot Baby. I promise!

ROBERT: Sure...So...let’s get this over with. We’re certainly not the A Plot in this episode, so we don’t have a lot of time to go in depth here.

REBECCA: We need to work out what to say to Plot Baby when it asks about its father. #LetTheTheoryLive #GetADNATest

ROBERT: Uhhh...we’re a few years away from that. Who knows if any of us will still be around. (Fandom: YOU’RE NEVER ALLOWED TO LEAVE!!!)

REBECCA: I want to put you on the birth certificate, make it official…

ROBERT: *Why didn’t I ask for a DNA test Face*

*Up at the counter*

VICTORIA: I’m going to use my normal voice and talk to you like we’re friends Aaron even though I’ve totally ignored how you feel about all of this. But look! They’re not throwing things at each other.

AARON: Yet. He’ll be alright though. The Plot wants him to care about this Baby so he probably will at some point.

VICTORIA: I hope so. Well...I should really put this milk in the refrigerator so it doesn’t go bad. Tell me all about his progress on the BABY front later.

AARON: Yep, that’s my sole purpose in life. *Smiles like we’re still good friends and you haven’t totally replaced me for Plot purposes with the woman who’s still potentially ruining my marriage*

*Back to Rebecca and Robert*

REBECCA: I know what lies can do to people (Tinfoil Hat Fandom: Seriously?!) I want my baby to know where they came from. (Tinfoil Hat Fandom: Stop it! But no, don’t stop! #LetTheTheoryLive) Even if it is less than ideal #UnderstatementOfTheCentury

ROBERT: Sounds like you really don’t need me in this Plot at all? Congrats on finally making a decision yourself.

REBECCA: But no wait, I need you to validated it.

ROBERT: Do what you like. I need to get back to my #BeautifulHusband

REBECCA: *Rapid Blinking* *Even I hate this Plot Face*

*On different sofas with Robert and Aaron*

AARON: So...how’s the Plot?

ROBERT: Sucks, like usual, but it’s fine, I guess.

AARON: Remember that time in my vows where I said I was going to be the best husband I could be and then I bought that world’s greatest husband mug, totally for myself, well I’m going to be proving those things right again. If you actually want to be a part of the Plot Baby’s life, I’m going to try really hard to be cool with it because I want to support you. You just need to let me know. I know, honesty isn’t your strong suit, but you have been getting a bit better with that lately.

ROBERT: *Heart Eyes* *Probably puts hand on Aaron’s thigh* (Fandom: What the hell, Cameraman?! Surely that was important!!!) Nothing’s changed, Aaron. I still want nothing to do with this godforsaken Plot.

AARON: *I’m nodding but I don’t believe a word you’re saying because eventually the Plot will make you care about this Plot Baby Face* but *Heart Eyes because I know you think you’re doing this for me*

ROBERT: *Looks at Rebecca* *I fucking hate this Plot Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert and Ross]

ROSS: Charity’s working so...we could be a while…

ROBERT: You’re not wrong there. Heard anything about the latest unintended consequence of one of my revenge schemes? - even if this one totally is not my fault -

ROSS: Yeah...Harriet will be fine. I’m sure since she’s been briefed on our Plot with Rebecca and has given you a lecture, that she’d be happy to hear from you once she gets out of hospital.

ROBERT: You look like you should have gone to A&E yourself. Cain?

ROSS: Yep. I’m okay though...thanks for asking. - I think that was supposed to be sarcastic but I’m off my game a bit today -

ROBERT: Could have been a lot worse...trust me, I’ve been there.

ROSS: Relieved you’re not getting blamed for this?

ROBERT: Yeah, but i guess none of us come out well on this one. I’ve already gotten the lecture from the husband on that one. At least this Plot Point is over now.

ROSS: Hardly! We could still go to prison, have Cain or those pesky drug dealers after us, oh, and we still have no money for anything and no business to help earn more! Thanks for that. #LetTheTheoryLive

ROBERT: *Yeah...sorry about that but the Plot wants what it wants Face* - I should know. Is Charity still not back yet? Aaron and I ran out of booze in our giant alcohol fridge. We need reinforcements for our non Plot time and the Plot made me come here instead of the Shop -

Chapter Text

3 July 2017

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Chrissie, Rebecca, Lawrence, Charity, and Debbie]

DRUNK CHRISSIE: *knocks glasses over* Oops! Sorry. You all think your Plots suck, mine...well…

AARON: *Side eye, don't even get me started on bad Plots Face*

DEBBIE: You own this place which means you have to go deal with other people's Plots, while I just stick to my own. Have fun!

CHARITY: *Do I have to, I really thought we hated her Face*

DRUNK CHRISSIE: Aaron...can I talk to you about my Plot?

AARON: *I really just wanted to sit in the background of this scene and be ignored so I could have a moment to myself Face*

DRUNK CHRISSIE: I'm drunk so I don't really care and I'm going to ask you vaguely inappropriate questions about your dad because it relates to my Plot but since we all only care about our own Plots it's probably going to confuse you.

AARON: Sorry, what are you on about? Of course I only have space in my head for my Plot. It's so convoluted at this point, it's all I can do just to keep up.

DRUNK CHRISSIE: Yeah but like remember that other Plot you had about your scumbag dad who abused you, do you ever still worry about that? Do you ever think if you had a really great #Unproblematic Dad that you might have way less issues? Cause you know, I'm totally worried that my son might become a serial killer. #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise

AARON: Are you having another go at Robert?! Because he's all you normally ever talk about. Also, all this mixing Plots is really messing me up. I mean I already have enough miscommunication problems to deal with without you confusing me more. Also, please don't compare my #AlmostQuiteFitHusband to my rapist father, thanks.

DRUNK CHRISSIE: Wait?! What?! I'm pretty sure that's not at all what I was saying.

AARON: Robert would be a pretty good dad if he actually got the chance...you know if this Plot wasn't happening and we could actually have our own kids. #IStillFuckingHateThisPlot

*Lawrence and Rebecca enter*

AARON: Tell your sister to keep her mouth shut about my Plot!

REBECCA: Oh dear, how much have you had to drink. I love taking care of drunk vulnerable people when it suits me. Let's get you home.

DRUNK CHRISSIE: I just thought he'd understand, having a dad who's a dirty secret like mine because my non bio dad lied to me for YEARS!!!

AARON: *Please just let me live Face*

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Debbie, Charity, Leyla and Megan]

LEYLA: Hey Aaron! When you have this mythical second wedding, please let me be involved! (FANDOM: Yes please! Give us hope!)

AARON: What? I'm really just trying to enjoy being in the background of scenes here, stop trying to drag me into other Plots!

LEYLA: I said, when you and Robert finally have this second wedding all the magazines keep banging on about, you know when you actually tie the knot legally this time? Please let me be involved. I'll give you mates rates! (FANDOM: Yes, let them be mates!)

CHARITY: Hold up, mates rates?! We haven't discussed that! I don't just give up money to anyone, even family.

LEYLA: But he's like your nephew or something. I never can keep the Dingle family tree straight. I'm sure you can throw in some confetti.

AARON: If (FANDOM: Don't say if! Give us hope!) and when (FANDOM: much better) we make it legit, you'll be the last to know. Don't think I forgot about your ideas for our stag do.

LEYLA: *laughs* *Oh I'm so going to try and be involved anyway* (FANDOM: Yes please!!)

Chapter Text

7 July 2017

[The Woolpack Backroom with Aaron, Robert, Charity, Debbie and Vic]

CHARITY: Hey Robert and audience, Chas and Liv are totally still characters on this show.

AARON: Yep, nobody forget them, I’m sure they’ll come back at some point.

ROBERT: Oh, well, good, but they don’t want to talk to me anyway because if they know anything about this Plot, I’m sure I’m number one on their hit list. - I could offer them that number of that hitman I know. That would be a bit ironic - But, how are they?

CHARITY: Oh you know, they’re there and not here but Sandra still sounds like a great Plot Device to get people off screen.

*Cute banter between Aaron and Charity* - for the fans so they can see Aaron being happy for the briefest of moments...as if that will appease them.

ROBERT: Just recapping for the general audience. Sandra has two broken legs that will remain a problem until such time that Chas and Liv are due to return.

*Debbie enters*

CHARITY: Debs, you just missed Robert’s recap but Sandra still has two broken legs and I’m sure Chas could use some help with that. You’ll run the pub for me won’t you.

DEBBIE: Do I have a choice?

CHARITY: Nope! And you always need extra cash for some Plot or another so why not. I just can’t leave Marlon and Vic…

*Victoria enters* - it’s almost like that was planned

VICTORIA: Hey Robert! I just came in here to talk about...you guessed it...BABY!!! So, Rebecca has just realized that having a child is expensive. Let’s be real, I probably told her to have that revelation just so I could come in here and bother you, but anyway...she totally NEEDS money because she doesn’t walk around in fur coats and five million hats and have a trust fund or anything.

ROBERT: *I hate this Plot Face* Thanks for the update. I still don’t care.

AARON: Shouldn’t you be making a contribution - other than that sperm you so nicely donated - #IHateThisFuckingPlot

ROBERT: Fine, here’s 40 quid. Happy now?

FANDOM: Get a wallet!

AARON: *Unbelievable! Face*

VICTORIA: Is that your idea of parenting?

ROBERT: I hate this Plot, the baby isn’t even born yet and it’s already all our scenes are about!!! I’d rather spend time spoiling my HUSBAND! *Tries to cuddle Aaron on the sofa*

AARON: #CuddlingDenied Sorry Robert, as you pointed out, all we talk about is this baby and I’m sick of it, so I’m going to run off to the scrapyard. #IHateThisFuckingPlot

ROBERT: *Sad ‘But I really wanted to cuddle’ Face*

[The Mill (Fandom: THE MILL!!! IT EXISTS!!! YAY!!!) with Robert and Aaron]

*Aaron enters*

ROBERT: Hey Aaron, let’s go out to dinner tonight!

AARON: Sorry Robert, you have a kid on the way, so we can’t do anything ever that’s not about that. #DinnerDateDenied

ROBERT: But I don’t care about the Plot, we’ve been through this. The spoilers said I would make an effort and I choose to make that effort with you if you’ll let me.

AARON: I don’t want to go out anyway.

ROBERT: Fine, I’ll call the restaurant and get them to deliver. And while we’re waiting, we can go have sex upstairs. We’ve always been good at that at least?!

AARON: Sorry Robert, this Plot is exhausting. All I want to do in bed is sleep. #SexDenied #HeadingForAnAngstyWeekAhead

ROBERT: *I tried Food and Sex, what more does he want from me. I know...GRAND GESTURES AND MONEY Face*

Chapter Text

10 July 2017

[The Cafe with Robert and Diane (FANDOM: Robert and Diane!!! Together!!! More of this please!!!)]

DIANE: So off screen time on the cruise was great! But let me tell you about the captain of the ship! He was...Robert? Are you even listening to me. I’ve got pictures of him on my phone, we could totally be having gossip time about how fit he was, but…

ROBERT: Can’t talk about anyone else Diane! I’m all about Aaron and Aaron only these days and not in a super healthy way because I’m totally ignoring all of my problems and therefore missing the easy solutions like...communication! But anyway, what’s the one thing that Aaron will absolutely be super excited about, especially when it’s me bringing it up?! Nope, not toast. I tried the food thing yesterday and it didn’t work. It’s MONEY! That’s right, MONEY. Aaron loves MONEY and he especially loves when I obsess over it. It’s really one of the cornerstones of our relationship. He’s going to be so excited when I tell him how super smart I was about the MONEY!!!

FANDOM: Oh...so Diane’s only here so you aren’t talking to yourself? Sad, but still, Diane! However, you totally should have just chatted about the probably fit cruise ship captain, Robert. I’m sure Aaron, even in this most fragile, insecure state he’s in, would have preferred that to the money thing....

[The Mill with Robert and Aaron (FANDOM: The Mill!!! Get some better lighting please. You’re making the gif makers sadder than this storyline is already making them.)]

ROBERT: Aaron! Check out these totally ugly and completely useless chairs the Plot had me buy. No, don’t worry that they’re chavv! You used to be a chav! Don’t think I haven’t seen pictures of you with your trackies tucked into your socks. Besides, these are for you and Liv, which means I totally did the right thing, right? Praise me please! If you don’t, I’ll reblog them later for validation.

AARON: Ummm...I’m actually speechless over the absurdity of this Plot Point, but the Plot would like me to point out that you have better and more important things to spend your money on. I won’t get into detail now, but don’t worry, I’ll give you a full recap of everything later.

ROBERT: It’s fine Aaron, we don’t have to worry about money anymore. Do you remember that payout I practically forced out of Lawrence when he bought me out of Home Farm?

AARON: Umm...must have missed that Plot Point. Sorry…

ROBERT: Are you sure? I could have sworn I told you about it, cause you know we tell each other EVERYTHING all the time. But you remember, I was all upset because Lawrence wouldn’t let me be part of the business anymore. I got all shouty. The fans loved it. We totally stood at the bar a meter apart from each other because it was during the Chill and we didn’t touch in those days. No?

AARON: Not ringing a bell, soz…

ROBERT: Doesn’t matter. *Super Excited Face!!!* So I was really smart and you’re going to be so proud of me. I invested all of that money and now I’ve got...sorry...I care about you and only you...we’ve got 580 grand to play with. Yep, that extra 80 grand was so worth it to see that look on your face...wait…

AARON: *Not impressed at all Face* I’m sorry, have you met me? Money will not solve all of our issues Robert. I mean, actual conversation probably would but...nah...let’s just keep this fight going in vague terms and not about the actual core issue. Otherwise, how will this Plot be able to run another five and a half months? I mean we can only take so many off screen breaks.

ROBERT: BUT IT’S HALF A MILLION QUID!!! AARON?! Why aren’t you doing the excited thing with me? Is being mardy a full time job for you? Maybe I should get Lydia to come round to clean the Mill and maybe her relentlessly perky attitude would rub off on you. Or you’d be back in prison for murder but...she could get rid of the chairs you hate? Or I could. I’m sure there’s a conveniently placed Plot fire around here I could toss them into...

AARON: So why were we chasing around after Ross for 2 grand then?

ROBERT: Because...the fans needed to see some lighter scenes and me skulking about like a spy fit the bill? Also...principle...yep, that’s it.

AARON: No, principle was me not wanting to use Gordon’s money to buy this place. Ugh, and who talked me into that, oh yeah, Rebecca. #ThisPlotSucks Oh yeah...and for extra measure, you’re a lying liar who lies about everything, especially your own feelings about this whole stupid baby Plot, even lying to yourself on that one.

[The Mill with Robert and Aaron (FANDOM: So...this is just the set of misery now right?)]

AARON: So...back to the part where you had all this money lying around and you still let me use Gordon’s money to buy this place…

ROBERT: Well...the Plot forgot I had all of this I think...maybe? I’m not sure. These might be rewrites. I’m not in the know Aaron?!

AARON: I mean, what you thought I’d just get over it?!

ROBERT: Well...to be fair...you kind of have except right now when the Plot wants to dredge up all of this awful stuff to push you over the edge...probably to make you cry again. The Plot really likes when you cry.

AARON: You may have a point there, but still, you don’t know me at all. Anyway, remember in the last scene where I said I was going to give you a rundown of all of the money related plots that we’ve been involved in. Well, the Plot printed me out this list from tumblr so let’s see...1 and 2 were the Ross thing and the Gordon’s money thing. Number 3, you claimed you had to work with Rebecca because we were skint.

ROBERT: But the Plot says I couldn’t have cashed in the stocks then or I would have lost money. I mean yes, I never needed to invest it anyway because I only made 80 grand but…

AARON: The Plot is full of shit. Number 4, Sarah and her treatment. You could have paid for that. Would have made you look like a hero but nope…

ROBERT: I would have if the Plot had let me. You know I would have...right?

AARON: You know...that’s the thing with this Plot. I just don’t know anymore.

ROBERT: I promise, I was doing this for us. You, me and Liv. I miss Liv. Remember Roblivion? We could probably use Liv now. She could lock us in a room with cold curry again until we had a #ActualConversation

AARON: Sorry Robert, I need to be really upset as we go further into this #PeakAngstWeek so I’m not going to believe you. You’re only ever out for yourself. This probably says way more about my state of mind than it does about you, but get out of my face! I’m bottling up all of my feelings, having an internal meltdown and taking it out on you because you’re the only one I get to have scenes with. Sigh...remember when people used to enjoy our scenes? Oh well, at least this one is ending. Head on back to the Laurel vs Emma Plot you were all actually enjoying, fans!

Chapter Text

11 July 2017

[Outside the Shop with Robert, Aaron, Cain and Victoria]

ROBERT: We do have a kitchen at home you know? Remember that set they built us that we never use unless it’s for angsty scenes?

AARON: Yeah, but do we have a toaster yet? Nevermind. Didn’t really fancy seeing you though after our Plot fight yesterday. It’s the height of #PeakAngstWeek so I’m just going to be in a totally justifiably bad mood all day today, yeah?

ROBERT: Is this really how it’s gonna be?

AARON: No, this is how you...well the Plot really...but anyway...have made it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to work.

ROBERT: Well, it’s a good thing we conveniently work in the same place then. - side note, isn’t it great our jobs are semi important to the Plot today so it looks like we actually do them -

AARON: I never should have let Jimmy move the Haulage firm into the portacabin. I would have saved myself so much trouble.

ROBERT: Will you just let me explain what I think the Plot is trying to do one more time Aaron?

AARON: You don’t need to try and explain anything. I’m done with all the discourse. I just don’t like it. End of.

*Cain appears*

CAIN: Want me to batter him for you?

AARON: Have you even been briefed on our latest Plot Point?

CAIN: No, I just like hitting Sugden here and since you two got together properly, I haven’t had a chance to do it in a while. Let me know. Besides, I just needed to show that I remember you exist so that when I show up later to help you out, it’s a little less forced.

*Cain leaves*

AARON: Imagine what he’d do if he actually knew.

ROBERT: What are we arguing about again? What, that I didn’t shell out my life savings to help out his granddaughter the Plot never remembers is my niece anyway. And besides, she got her treatment. If I had stepped in, how would Faith have gotten her dramatic entrance?

*Victoria appears*

VICTORIA: You had the money to help Sarah?

ROBERT: Why are we having this conversation in the middle of the street?

AARON: No idea. I’m going to work where I probably won’t actually do any work. How does my business survive?

*Aaron leaves*

ROBERT: Don’t you start! *So tired of this Plot Point Face*

VICTORIA: Robert, she’s your niece!

ROBERT: *Oh now the Plot remembers Face*

VICTORIA: And she’s a sick little girl?!

ROBERT: And if the Plot needed me to, of course I would have stepped in. I can’t account for the Plot holes until the Plot decides to bring them up again for drama, Vic!

VICTORIA: And did you have the money to buy the house to stop Aaron from worrying about using his dad’s?

ROBERT: What? Did you get the same list from Tumblr that Aaron did? Or do you have our house bugged so you could listen to our arguments so you could weigh in later? *Leaves*

VICTORIA: Where are you going?

ROBERT: To get some earplugs cause clearly you’re never going to leave me alone about anything.

VICTORIA: You should pop to the shop that sells consciences while you’re at it!

ME: And condoms! I bet they sell condoms too! Just saying. (The beginning of conscience sounds like condoms and I couldn’t help myself)

[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Victoria]

ROBERT: *To some pour soul on the phone* I don’t want a credit note. Everything that you sell is for geeks. (FANDOM: But you are a geek Robert, don’t lie. #LetGeekRobertRise)

*Victoria knocks and enters*

ROBERT: Forget it. I’ll burn them. #Foreshadowing Keep the money! Buy yourself some Spiderman underpants. - They’re great. I actually have a pair. They’re the only ones my husband doesn’t steal from me. Though I think he just enjoys seeing me in them...and taking them off of me...which we haven’t done in a while. I wonder if that’s a Plot Point I should be paying more attention to….sorry...TMI? - What? Sorry, knickers then.

VICTORIA: *My brother is a moron Face*

ROBERT: I was so distracted by this stupid Plot that I didn’t even realize it was a woman. What are you doing?

VICTORIA: Nothing, just letting my temporary personality transplant settle in while I enjoy these amazing Plot chairs of yours. What are you doing? Spreading more joy?

ROBERT: The shop won’t refund me for the Plot chairs.

VICTORIA: *Really enjoying the Plot chair* Why would you want to get rid?

ROBERT: Because Aaron doesn’t like them and if Aaron doesn’t like something it goes. #Whipped

VICTORIA: Why are you still here then? #Burn

ROBERT: *So tired of this Plot Point Face* I was trying to do the right thing, Vic. Invest that money for our future, but the Plot is just setting me up for failure this week.

VICTORIA: Yeah, but you also just really like money.

ROBERT: Maybe. Character continuity is important Vic. I wish you’d remember that more often. Do you want the chairs?

VICTORIA: *Still enjoying the Plot chairs* I’d never leave the house. Then who would tell you how Rebecca is feeling?

ROBERT: They’re going cheap!

VICTORIA: Really seeing that character continuity now, Rob. It’s not all it’s cracked up to be you know. Sometimes character growth is more important.

ROBERT: Fine, take the chairs. I don’t care about the money.

VICTORIA: There, that’s better. That’s the kind of thing Aaron needs to see you doing. You have to convince him that you don’t care that having a ton of money in the bank is the most important thing in the world. Even though the Plot will make you think so when it inevitably brings up this argument again in the future.

ROBERT: *Thoughtful I’m totally going to do the wrong thing because I’m an idiot and the Plot hates me Face*

FANDOM: Did we just get through an entire Vic scene where she didn’t once mention the Plot Baby and she actually seemed somewhat concerned with how Robert AND Aaron were doing? Can we keep this version of Vic?

[The Scrapyard with Aaron and Adam (FANDOM: A Bartsy scene!!! With #ActualConversation!? What have we done to deserve this?)]

*Plot Barrel makes its deubt*

AARON: *Kicks the door* *Kicks the door again* (FANDOM: Is the door a representation of the Plot?)

*Adam drives up*

ADAM: Whoa! What are you doing?

AARON: Kicking this door. (FANDOM: Yep, definitely a representation of this Plot.) #Relatable

ADAM: Oh right, good, cause I was fed up with it not being broken! (FANDOM: Broken like our hopes and dreams and hearts…)

AARON: *Kicks the door again* #StillRelatable

ADAM: Has this got something to do with a certain unborn Plot Baby?

AARON: No! The Plot Baby isn’t the problem...well actually the Plot Baby is totally the problem but at least he’s being honest about that. (FANDOM: Is he though?) There’s a time scale to it so I know where I stand with that, which is more than I can say for him. I think I know where I stand with him and then it turns out that I don’t and then I do and then I don’t and mate this Plot makes me so tired and since we’re never allowed to have an #ActualConversation, especially one that doesn’t get forgotten about until the next Maxine episode, it’s really hard to keep it all straight.

ADAM: Well...we could get drunk?

AARON: It’s half nine in the morning Adam! Besides, alcohol is how this whole mess started.

ADAM: Fair point. Guess you’ll just have to talk to me sober then. *hits Aaron on the back of the head* - for the fans - In!

[The Portacabin with Aaron, Adam and Robert]

ADAM: 580 grand? Why are you not out car shopping right now? The way you two go through cars, I’m sure you’ll need another one soon. (ACTOR ADAM: Or you could get one that Ryan can actually get out with his dodgy knee!)

AARON: You’re missing the point. (DANNY: Though I’m sure Ryan would totally appreciate that.)

ADAM: No I’m not. I get it, but you can’t make people think the same as you mate. If you could, I totally wouldn’t be in this mess of a Plot with Vic that is currently taking a back seat to your Plot as usual. And it worked out in the end.

AARON: That’s not the point either.

ADAM: So what is the point? That Robert’s still an idiot?

AARON: And a liar when the Plot needs him to be, probably to make me cry some more.

ADAM: And you think that’s gonna change do ya?

AARON: Well something needs to. The fans are tired of me crying all the time.

ADAM: Is there more to this?

AARON: *About to possibly tell Adam important things about his feelings for once in his life*

*Plotbert and his briefcase full of cash money enter right on time for that not to happen*

ROBERT: Oh sorry, were you actually in the middle of an #ActualConversation. I don’t believe in those, so it’s gonna have to wait. *Is the literal definition of overdramatic as he swipes Adam’s feet off the desk to put down the briefcase and open it up with a determined look on his face to reveal stacks of fifty pound notes*

AARON: *Are you actually serious right now Face*

ROBERT: *Serious about you Face*

[Portacabin and Scrapyard with Robert, Aaron, Adam, the briefcase full of money and Plot Barrel]

ADAM: Do you need anyone to look after that?

ROBERT: Well you can take a selfie with it. #ThisIsWhatRealMoneyLooksLike *Ridiculously OTT Wink* But if you do, make sure to tag me on Instagram. I want people to know it’s my money. #HasLearnedNothingSinceHisLastScene #SetUpForFailure

ADAM: Humble, mate, very humble. I’ll leave you to your Plot Point now. My work is done here. See ya in a bit or not, because I’m not as relevant as I’d like to be.

AARON: *My husband is such an idiot Face* So what is this?

ROBERT: *Captain Obvious Mode Activate* A hundred grand.

AARON: *When will the Plot let my husband be less of an idiot Face*

ROBERT: It’s all I could get on such short notice. But I’ll get some more tomorrow. Cause this is totally what you wanted right?

AARON: And the reason for all of this is?

ROBERT: For you to give to Liv to pay for the house, obviously.

AARON: But the house has already been paid for.

ROBERT: Not the way you wanted. See, look! I listened. Now, praise me!

AARON: *Sorry, not going to praise you today Face*

ROBERT: But I’m giving you MONEY to prove to you that you mean more to me than MONEY.

AARON: Really? Cause all this looks like is you chucking a load of cash at your problems again.

ROBERT: No Aaron, it’s not just cash. It’s MONEY!!!

AARON: See what I mean!

ROBERT: I’m making quite a big gesture here. That’s always done me so much good in the past….wait…

AARON: I don’t want gestures! - I want #ActualConversation but in lieu of that - I just want to know I come before the money.

ROBERT: Without #ActualConversation, I don’t know what more I can do to prove it to you.

AARON: I have a great idea! Burn it!

ROBERT: That’s the opposite of a good idea Aaron.

AARON: But look, Plot Barrel is right there with a fire burning just for you. Burn it!

ROBERT: What’s that gonna do? Other than win me the world’s most stupid man award which I’m probably already in line for due to this ridiculous Plot.

AARON: *Walks out rambling about Robert and his precious money so he’s distracted*

ROBERT: *Is the literal definition of an over dramatic drama queen and slam dunks the briefcase full of money into the Plot Barrel of fire*

AARON: *Oh my god he actually did it Face*

ROBERT: *Oh my god I actually did it Face* *See, told you I loved you more than MONEY Face*

*Ad break to add extra drama*

AARON: *Uselessly tries to fish out the briefcase full of money with a piece of copper pipe*

*Chopstick banter* - hehe

AARON: What were you thinking?

ROBERT: You told me to burn it! I do everything you say!

AARON: Well that’s not true and you picked a bad time to start! *Get’s fire extinguisher*

*Super adorable scene of them fighting with the fire extinguisher and laughing and smiling and forgetting the Plot exists for a few precious seconds* - for the fans before the #PeakAngst begins

[Robert’s Porsche with Robert and Aaron]

*Cute banter about Aaron being a shit fireman and Robert burning the money*

AARON: No more lies (PLOT: Well that’s just not going to work)

ROBERT: No more lies (PLOT: That was a lie right there. Don’t make promises I won’t let you keep) If I could change this whole Rebecca Plot I would, Aaron, you know that.

AARON: Yeah I know.

ROBERT: I know it’s hard. #Understantement #Foreshadowing That Plot Baby is nothing to do with me and I will never ever ever let that situation come between me and you.

*The situation appears*

AARON: You shouldn’t have jinxed it. You gonna stop?

ROBERT: You want me to? But we just agreed…

AARON: The Plot put her there for a reason, Robert.

ROBERT: If it was anyone else…

AARON: Yeah, that’ll be the day.

ROBERT: *Puts car in reverse*

AARON: *I hate this fucking Plot Face*

[Side of the Road with Robert, Aaron and Rebecca]

AARON: *Dirty Little Grease Monkey Mode Activate* - for the fans (FANDOM: *Swoon*)

ROBERT: Do you have breakdown cover?

REBECCA: I don’t know. It’s not overly important to the Plot so I probably never bothered. And I once told Chrissie I knew a thing or two about cars because of all my travels but that knowledge has left me. So anyway, I phoned a taxi. I’m conveniently in a hurry.

ROBERT: Dare I ask where you’re going?

REBECCA: Hospital. I booked a scan.

ROBERT: Well I’m sure the taxi will be here soon and we can be on our way and continue ignoring this part of the Plot.

REBECCA: Well they said fifteen but I’m not sure I’ve got fifteen...I drank about a liter of water…

ROBERT: Why would you do that?

AARON: Helps with the scan. What? I’ve been doing some research on pregnancy. Someone has to. The writers and the storyliners aren’t. So...you want to take her? #AlreadyRegrettingThis

REBECCA: No, no, no! I’ll wait. (FANDOM: Why don’t you want him to go? #LetTheTheoryLive)

ROBERT: I suppose we could drop her off…

REBECCA: No, no it’s fine. #LetTheTheoryLive

AARON: Go on, you take her. #DefinitelyRegrettingThis

ROBERT: But we had plans…

REBECCA: I don’t want to ruin your plans… #Hilarious

AARON: It’s fine. I’ll walk back.

ROBERT: You can’t walk…

REBECCA: Are you sure? Wouldn’t want to be a burden.

AARON: I know all about not wanting to be a burden. Good luck with everything *Walking away* #RegrettingEverything

ROBERT: I’ll meet you in the pub after!

REBECCA: Is he okay?

ROBERT: Umm...probably not. But let’s get this over with.

AARON: Ethan! Mate, glad you’re conveniently out of jail when I need you. I need to see you now.

[Outside the Hospital with Robert and Rebecca]

REBECCA: Thanks for conveniently finding me on the side of the road and bringing me here. What are you doing now?

ROBERT: Paying for parking. The Plot obviously wants me to be here.

REBECCA: Yeah well you don’t really need to come in.

ROBERT: True...I could stay in the car and just give you a lift back.

REBECCA: Yeah whatever, I really need to go, in more ways than one. I’ll just leave you to think about it.

ROBERT: *Conflicted Face*

[Hospital Waiting Room with Robert and Rebecca]

REBECCA: *I really have to pee Face*

ROBERT: *I want to be literally anywhere else Face* What time is this scan supposed to be?

REBECCA: Now? You don’t have to stay.

ROBERT: Like I said, the Plot wants me to be here so...are you okay?

REBECCA: No. I really need to pee and I need to know everything with this Plot Baby is okay. Of course it would probably help if I saw an actual medical professional but...whatevs.

RECEPTIONIST: (FANDOM: Well at least they paid for someone in the hospital to have a speaking role) Rebecca White?

REBECCA: Present!

RECEPTIONIST: Is Dad coming in?

REBECCA: Oh he’s not the- #LetTheTheoryLive I mean, well, he is… #GetYourStoryStraight

ROBERT: I’ll just wait here.

REBECCA: You can come in.

ROBERT: No, I’ll wait. If I go in then that would destroy all the fans’ hope that there really is no baby. I can’t do that to them. #LetTheTheoryLive *Conflicted Face*

[The Mill of Misery with Aaron, Ethan (FANDOM: Yay!), Jason (FANDOM: Ugh)]

*Ethan knocks*

AARON: Hey, you took your time. I’ve got to get this taken care of before my husband gets back. I sent him to do something that is only making me more miserable, which is why I needed to see you in the first place.

ETHAN: Well, me helicopter’s broke down, which is probably for the best. I hear you all don’t like those around here. Though I heard that didn’t stop-

AARON: Well you can afford the bus ticket I suppose since you’re conveniently selling drugs on the outside as well.

ETHAN: It’s great to see you too man. Didn’t think I’d be hearing from you again after the prison storyline was just dropped like that.

AARON: Yeah well, the fans complained about that, so here we are. You all right?

ETHAN: No, but you’ll find out about that in a moment.

AARON: Right, you coming in?

JASON: Does that invitation apply to me as well?

AARON: Definitely not. How are you out of prison as well?

JASON: Well too bad. The Plot gave me the drugs!

AARON: #BetrayedByThePlot #WhatElseIsNew

[Hospital Waiting Room with Robert and Rebecca]

ROBERT: *To Aaron’s Voicemail* Hey Aaron, I’m calling you for the fourth time just cause. I miss you and I love you and you mean more to me than MONEY and this Plot. I hope you got back okay. Call me!

*Rebecca returns*

ROBERT: Great! Can we go now! I have to get back to my #BeautifulHusband who I will always care about more than you.

REBECCA: Right, fine, but you might care about this baby when I tell you the sex. Do you want to know?

ROBERT: *Conflicted Face* Sure, fine, whatever.

REBECCA: It’s a boy.

ROBERT: *Super conflicted, I have so many daddy issues, how do I handle having a son, I’m in a complete panic now Face*

[The Mill of Misery with Aaron, Ethan, Jason and Cain]

*Jason is predictably an asshole to rile Aaron up*

*Jason is homophobic*

*Jason brings up Gordon*

AARON: Are we doing this or what?

JASON: I need to know that you really want it.

AARON: Obviously.

JASON: Not feeling it Livesy (Aaron Dingle Defense Squad: If you call him ‘Livesy’ one more time…)

AARON: I’ll pay you double. - I really should have taken that briefcase full of money with me -

JASON: You’ll pay me triple. And you’ll do a little dance for me.

AARON: Sorry, mate. I don’t dance. I might sway, but only with my idiot of a husband.

*Jason is an asshole*

*Jason is homophobic*

*Jason brings up Gordon*

AARON: *Is done* Get out of my house! *Punches Jason* (FANDOM: Yay!)

JASON: *Punches Aaron* (FANDOM: Not so yay…Aaron Dingle Defense Squad Assemble!) *Pulls out a knife* (FANDOM: Coward!)

ETHAN: Oh come on. Put the knife down.

JASON: You can go now.

ETHAN: Sorry mate, how was I to know when you called, the Plot would have gotten him out of prison as well.

*Ethan leaves*

JASON: One time, I stood up for someone and the kids that were picking on him turned on me so...now I’m a bully. Go me!

AARON: *Tries to run*

JASON: *Knocks Aaron to the floor*

*Enter Cain to the rescue* (FANDOM: Finally!)

JASON: Well if it isn’t Cain Dingle. I mentioned you once. Glad to see it’s finally being paid off.

Hard man Cain > Hard man Jason

JASON: *Throws drugs at Aaron*

AARON: *Apologetic Face*

CAIN: *Disappointed Face*

ETHAN: *I know this isn’t what the fans wanted of me Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Rebecca and Victoria]

REBECCA: You sure you don’t mind me telling Victoria? Cause, she’ll obviously find out anyway. She knows more about me than I do.

ROBERT: Yeah, fine. Just don’t make a big deal about it in front of Aaron, the love of my life. *Looks around frantically for Aaron* Who is worryingly not here. Hmm...Plot, what are you up to now? Nothing good, most likely.

REBECCA: Is Vic working?

VICTORIA: Of course. I go where the Plot needs me. And...I feel my temporary personality transplant wearing off in 3…

REBECCA: We went to the scan.

VICTORIA: 2… The scan!!! Wait...you both went?

ROBERT: It was an accident okay! I didn’t want to be there! Let me make that perfectly clear.

VICTORIA: Fine, whatever. 1... So is everything okay?

REBECCA: Everything’s great with your nephew.

VICTORIA: BABY!!!! A NEPHEW!!! AWWWWWW! Mason, Grayson, Jayden…

REBECCA: Why are you naming my child?

VICTORIA: Well obviously I’ll be making this decision for you, so I’m just telling you what’s off limits. Also Braden and Brandon oh and definitely Walter, cause...Walter White. So that just leaves Vic! Cause I will be the most important person in his life so he should obviously be named after me. It’ll all make much more sense when I steal him from you after he is born...what? I’m not obsessed or controlling. Now, you go sit down and I’ll bring you a drink that I will decide on because you’re just a Plot Device and can’t make decisions on your own. Go on! Oh...Robert, what would you like?

ROBERT: You to remember that chat we had this morning about character continuity. Oh and an orange juice.

VICTORIA: Speaking of our chat this morning…*Makes money gesture with hand*

ROBERT: So...Bex, I guess we should set up a thing…

REBECCA: Very specific.

ROBERT: A trust fund or whatever. But Money and this Plot Baby are still not as important to me as Aaron. Again, just making that clear.

REBECCA: You want to do that.

ROBERT: It’s what the Plot wants.

REBECCA: You are the master of doing what the Plot wants.

ROBERT: Says the Plot Device. Look, I’m trying okay. So hard. If only the Plot would let me make some progress.

VICTORIA: Hey Bex, do you happen to have any proof that you actually went to this scan?

REBECCA: Yep, I got some 3D photos.

VICTORIA: Oh no, those don’t count. They look like badly drawn frogs. I guess I’ll just have to wait till it’s born. (Tinfoil Hat Fandom: Will it be?)

ROBERT: *Conflicted Face* Can I see. Damnit Plot! What are you trying to do to my resolve!?

[Outside the Mill of Misery with Aaron, Cain and Ethan]

AARON: Cain, wait up! I just want to say thanks for finally getting involved in my Plot. I was starting to think you forgot I existed.

ETHAN: Thank me too! I brought him to you as he was conveniently coming out of the pub earlier. I did good right?

AARON: Yeah, right. You did good.

ETHAN: Nice to see you mate.

AARON: Totally. If you want to move to the village with your girlfriend and baby and lesbian best mate, the fans will totally be cool with it. They’ve always said the show needs more lesbians and they like you.

ETHAN: Thanks mate. I’ll think about it.

*Ethan leaves*

CAIN: *Disappointed Face* Pathetic.

AARON: Look Cain, my Plot really really sucks. I needed a distraction.

CAIN: But do you not remember the Plot that broke up my own marriage. Your best mate’s sister died because of drugs! Remember?

AARON: Yeah, but...I’m struggling and if you knew anything about me at all, you would know that it was a huge deal for me to admit that. But when your husband is having a baby with a girl he got knocked up while you were inside, well, all bets are off.

CAIN: And drugs are going to fix that?

AARON: Well, no, probably not, but it’ll help me forget this Plot for a while.

CAIN: Again, do you not remember the Holly Plot? I got word you brought it up with Ross when he was trying to sell drugs. If that’s not enough to deter you, then...I’ll see you at your funeral. (FANDOM: Umm...take that back)

[The Mill of Misery with Aaron and Robert]

AARON: *Stares at spice* *hears Robert coming in* *shoves spice down the side of the chair*

ROBERT: You’re back!

AARON: Been back ages…

ROBERT: And you couldn’t have sent me that as a message in response to the like 80 I sent you?

AARON: Don’t be so dramatic Robert, it was four.

ROBERT: So...what are you doing?

AARON: Sitting here...totally not doing anything suspicious at all.

ROBERT: I’m sorry for earlier.

AARON: Taking Rebecca to the hospital and leaving me to walk home?

ROBERT: Which you told me to do…

AARON: Well what was I supposed to say when we were already stopped?

ROBERT: Which, you also told me to do. Remember when I wanted to just drive right past her like she didn’t exist? Have I failed some kind of test here?

AARON: *Makes jokes to mask the pain*

ROBERT: I’m sorry. Everything is my fault. I really hate this Plot.

AARON: Did you go into the scan?

ROBERT: No, course not. Again, I only care about you. I waited outside.

AARON: In the car?

ROBERT: *Unnecessary Lie Alert* Yeah, course. - This will totally come back to bite me won’t it? - It’s a boy by the way. I’m only telling you because Vic knows cause she knows everything about this baby. *Unnecessary Lie Alert* Obviously I didn’t want to know but…

AARON: Wow, you’re having a son…

*Awkward tension filled silence* *Respective daddy issues boiling to the surface* *Both keeping quiet cause they don't want to hurt each other but are actually hurting each other more* #ThisPlotIsMiserable

ROBERT: So...once again, we are completely useless at our jobs - and I was so positive about that this morning - so let’s just skive off as usual and go get some tea at the pub.

AARON: Nah...I’m just going to push you away when I need you most. #IHateThisPlot

ROBERT: But I’ve missed you today *Off camera thigh touching* We clearly spend every moment together normally, so these few hours without you have felt like a lifetime. #Codependent

AARON: You go, I have to further my #PeakAngst Plot and you can’t be here for that.

ROBERT: I’ll pretend I heard you say you’ll meet me at the pub.

*Soft forehead kiss* - for the fans before #PeakAngst

#TriggerWarning

AARON: *Throws away the drugs*

FANDOM: Yay!

AARON: *Goes and pulls out a knife from the drawer*

FANDOM: We knew it was coming and yet it’s still fucking awful

AARON: *Lifts up shirt*

FANDOM: That’s a lot of fresh cuts Aaron?! When did you start doing this again?! Now you turning down sex makes a lot more sense...have you had sex since the reveal?! You were planning on going to a cosy B&B to celebrate with german beer after the #SweetRevenge?! Was sex not on the table then? Or did you start after?! It’s no wonder your relationship is deteriorating more and more every episode. Sex was always how you communicated best...cause clearly words are not your strong suit. #GiveUsActualConversationPlease

AARON: *Self Harms*

FANDOM: *Cries* *Aaron Dingle Defense Squad Reactivate!*

Chapter Text

12 July 2017

[Outside the Mill of Misery with Robert and Aaron]

ROBERT: Bob’s back! The fans and I are so excited. And as a bonus, we might actually get what we order, which reminds me, I haven’t had my trademark Americano in far too long.

AARON: I’m far too preoccupied with my #PeakAngst Plot to be bothered about Bob or breakfast.

ROBERT: But it’s my mission in life to make you happy and food always makes you happy. That is the way to a bloke’s heart and all *Pats Aaron’s Stomach*

AARON: *Recoils* #Foreshadowing

ROBERT: Are you okay? - I have a bad feeling about this -

AARON: Yep. I’m totally and completely fine. #StopLyingYouLiar In fact, I’ve really got to get to that job I never actually do. I mean, unless you count kicking a door in as work. Still, it’s a great Plot Device.

ROBERT: If we still need to talk… (FANDOM: Please do more talking!!!)

AARON: We did all the talking yesterday. #StopLyingYouLiar

ROBERT: That was hardly #ActualConversation Aaron. I mean, we were approaching it which means the Plot is totally going to blow up in our faces soon and force us to try to get there again. That seems to be the cycle. But you didn’t come to the pub yesterday when you said you would and you went to bed early.

AARON: Sucks being left out of the Plot doesn’t it?

ROBERT: Fair point.

AARON: Yeah well, since I did no work yesterday, I’m playing catch up now. So...another time, yeah. I need to be off screen now so your worry levels can escalate. But we’ll do something tomorrow.

ROBERT: What? More angst?

AARON: Probably.

ROBERT: Well we can’t tomorrow. The car’s in for its service.

AARON: You do remember that I also have a car, right? #PlotHole But anyway, we’re totally good at the moment. #StopLyingYouLiar See you later for more angst.

ROBERT: *This is going to get bad Face* - I never should have put on this tainted Red Shirt of Doom -

[The Shop with Robert, Adam and Cain]

ROBERT: What the hell Adam, Aaron just ran off to ‘work’ claiming he had a ton to do but here you are doing nothing as usual. Aaron’s totally stressed out. I can totally read my husband like a book… *Confused Face*

ADAM: Hey, I’m just happy to be in a scene and have lines mate, but yes, I also saw Aaron really stressed out yesterday. Might have gotten it out of him too if the Plot hadn’t brought you to the portacabin right as he was about to tell me.

CAIN: I was the other person saw Aaron struggling yesterday, which is why the three of us actually get to share a scene. In any case, you should obviously talk to him.

ROBERT: *Confused Face* Clearly there’s something I’m missing here. I really hate when I’m not Plot Aware.

CAIN: If you don’t know what the problem is Robert, maybe it’s you.

ROBERT: *Did he just call me Robert instead of Sugden Face* and also *Getting super worried about my husband Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Debbie and Victoria]

ROBERT: AARON AARON AARON...Have you seen AARON?

DEBBIE: Hmm.. I feel like the last time we actually spoke to each other in a scene was when you were threatening Ross with a gun. No, I haven’t seen Aaron. Let’s now go back to ignoring each other.

VICTORIA: Help...help...help...help #AdmittingYouNeedHelpIsTheFirstStepToRecoveryFromBabyObsession

ROBERT: I can’t stay...cause AARON!

VICTORIA: No no, not Aaron, BABY!!! How do you feel about pale green and enchanted forests for the nursery? BABY! BABY!! BABY!!! Oh yeah and let me just mention Rebecca’s name too because this BABY is totally her’s and I accept that. #Projecting

ROBERT: Sorry Vic, AARON!

VICTORIA: BABY!

ROBERT: AARON!

VICTORIA: Blah Blah Other stuff about your issues with Aaron and money that I’m absolutely incapable of connecting back to issues he might have over BABY and the fact that you cheated on him because for some reason I’ve never been allowed to have a reaction to that Blah Blah BABY!

ROBERT: No, AARON! Forget it. Something is definitely wrong here. There’s clearly a Side Plot that I’ve been unaware of so far and I’m going to go investigate.

[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Aaron]

AARON: *Looks pained* *Retrieves unidentified food items from fridge*

ROBERT: *Displays ability to descend the spiral staircase sober* Oh, now you’re hungry...you know you can tell me anything…

AARON: Nothing good ever comes after that line Robert.

ROBERT: Yeah, but I saw Cain earlier and apparently there’s a Side Plot I know nothing about. I’m really worried about you.

AARON: Well you don’t need to be. - I mean Cain wasn’t the first one to find out about the last time I was self harming either. Nope, not at all…-

ROBERT: If this is still about the money…

AARON: No, Robert, that was yesterday’s Side Plot to dredge up our issues and inch us closer to #ActualConversation Keep up.

ROBERT: Well, care to share what this Side Plot is then?

AARON: Well, you see, the Plot contrived for Ethan and Jason to both be out of prison right when I needed them to score me some of those drugs I got addicted to super fast and then got over in a day. The fans were really pissed that that storyline got dropped so they brought it back. Makes for an excellent diversion from the truth though.

ROBERT: Drugs?!

AARON: I didn’t take any, but this Plot is super stressful and I just needed to escape it for a bit...It’s not a big deal.

ROBERT: Not a big deal?!

AARON: *Tries to walk away*

ROBERT: *Grabs Aaron to stop him walking away* *Finds the bigger deal* Show me your stomach.

AARON: No.

ROBERT: *Lifts up Aaron’s shirt* (ANTI FANDOM: Robert is a disgusting human being who should probably die a horrible death. - sorry I was in the ed lb tag and I saw things -)

AARON: *Look what this Plot has done to me Face*

ROBERT: *I fucking hate this Plot Face*

[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Aaron]

*Peak Angst Alert*

ROBERT: How long has this been going on?

AARON: Weeks…you happy now?

ROBERT: I think I’m the opposite of happy. Have been since the last major time I wore this shirt. So, since the Plot Device came back then?

AARON: I don’t want to talk about it.

ROBERT: #Epiphany Pretty sure that’s why we’re in this mess. But I thought that you were–

AARON: Thought what? That I was over it? Besides the fact that that’s not now mental health issues work, the Plot will never let me be over it completely. It enjoys making me suffer. I never should have cried so well in that scene where Uncle Zak gave me that lecture at seventeen.

ROBERT: So...this is why you were turning down food and sex on Friday and all those other times when we were off screen.

AARON: *Super sad and tired Face* Yep. Has the Plot sufficiently made you feel like this is all your fault yet?

ROBERT: Yep, Cain was right, I’m definitely the problem. But you’re not leaving until we have a #ActualConversation This is what the Plot was warning me about in our first scene this morning. Stupid Plot, it gives so little and takes so much.

[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Aaron]

ROBERT: Right, let’s recap. The Plot is bringing back the unfinished drug Side Plot and the ever present Self Harming Side Plot...and you don’t think I should be worried?

AARON: I just needed a release from this Plot Robert! It’s so exhausting.

ROBERT: And you don’t think I should be worried about that? I live to worry about you Aaron!

AARON: You have your own Plot to worry about and I’d rather wallow in my Side Plot, okay?

ROBERT: Now we’re getting to it.

AARON: You think I want any of this?! Don’t you think I’d rather have a fun little comedy Plot or summat?!

ROBERT: But maybe if we have an #ActualConversation we can get through this Plot and move on to something else, something lighter!

AARON: Where does talking ever actually get us Robert?! All we do is go round and round in circles either having vague arguments where we avoid our problems or big blow outs that we think are going to finally be #TheActualConversation but turn out just to be another plateau that we sweep under the rug a few days later. They even managed to do it to Maxine’s episodes. I’m so tired of it. #Relatable

ROBERT: *I’m tired of this Plot too Face*

AARON: Look at these wedding photos that just happen to be sitting on the table! Remember our wedding? What a joke! What if we’re just a joke?

ROBERT: Don’t say that!

AARON: Why not? Our wedding was happening and this Plot had already been devised, Robert! We should have known this was going to happen. I should have! When has anything good ever happened in my life?! *Smashes wedding photo dramatically*

ROBERT: What are you doing?! Vic gave us that back when she was still the captain of our ship!

AARON: I’m trying to create a metaphor Robert! To really drive the point home to the audience. That *points at shattered frame* is us! Shattered to bits! The Plot did that! Through you! - sorry you’re such a Plot Device sometimes...if it helps, you’re my favorite one - *On the verge of a breakdown Face*

ROBERT: *I still really hate this fucking Plot Face* *Picks up shard of glass* Cut me! (FANDOM: Are we really going here?!)

AARON: *Shocked and Confused Face*

ROBERT: It’s dramatic, Aaron, just go with it. The last time you had a self harm Side Plot it was because of Gordon. Now it’s because of me. The last time you were self harming because of a Plot we were involved in, I let you beat me up on the side of the road. This is totally in character for me.

AARON: *Takes shard of glass*

*Scene break for extra dramatics*

AARON: *Drops shard of glass* I’m done Robert. Even the fans are deserting us at this point.

ROBERT: Not all of them! We can all still get through this Plot Aaron!

AARON: No. Not this time. I already hate your unborn child. #Relatable

ROBERT: Me too...sometimes. But I love you! Please let me try and fix this.

AARON: You know, I thought about what it would be like if Rebecca lost the baby. #Freedom #Relatable

ROBERT: I really wanted her to get that abortion. I went full 2015 villain on her and everything.

AARON: And still, this Plot is happening. It’s real, whether we want it to be or not.

ROBERT: It’s okay…

AARON: You’re not listening Robert! They’ve written us into an impossible situation that we can’t get out of! Your son is always going to be a reminder of what you did! And I can’t handle it unless the Plot is willing to really invest in getting me therapy or they actually let some part of The Theory live! (FANDOM: Please let The Theory live!!!)

ROBERT: Don’t write us off! Please. Just remember that there’s always AU fanfic where Rebecca and this Plot Baby don’t exist.

AARON: Sorry, I usually only read the canon ones…

ROBERT: No no, there’s still a way. *Heart is actually breaking*

AARON: Robert… *Heart already broken*

ROBERT: Look, we go away, just you and me, get that spinoff we’ve been joking about. Maxine will write it, she already said she would on Twitter. All the fans will help. Then that will be canon, a world where we never have to see Rebecca or this Plot Baby. She can write them out entirely and then we never look back!

AARON: *Thoughtful Face*

Chapter Text

13 July 2017

[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Aaron]

AARON: *Eats Toast* (FANDOM: Maybe there’s hope for him yet! - also, where is the actual toaster?! Just show us -)

ROBERT: Hey Aaron! I’m still totally ignoring our obvious serious relationship problems. Denial land is fun as fuck! Didn’t you know? Anyway, I couldn’t get a ticket there but I got these one way tickets to Dublin, because as Charity made clear, Sandra is great Plot Device and whenever we want to be off screen for a bit we can always go see her. Remember Mauritius? It was great.

AARON: But we’re not talking about a little off screen time Robert, we’re talking about leaving for good. You just got a shiny new blue coat. You don’t get new wardrobe when you’re leaving. This is not going to actually happen. Plus, we have this new set. Liv would be really sad if she never got to live here. Oh and I still have that scrapyard business that gave us an excuse for our secret affair in the first place. Remind me how this changes anything for our relationship.

ROBERT: I don’t want to change anything, I just want to go back to how things were. #Relatable #SpeakingForTheFandom No looking back.

AARON: No looking back? Not for anything? The mere fact that I’m saying this means that this is going to come up again today. You sure you don’t want to come clean now?

ROBERT: And ruin the angst that will happen later? Never. Let me just repeat the phrase again so it’s extra important. No looking back. *Walks into kitchen* *Extremely Conflicted Face*

[The Cricket Pavilion with Robert and Rebecca]

REBECCA: *Makes joke about Robert getting to second base with her*

ROBERT: I think it’s a little late for that. You remember what Plot we’re part of and how it started right?

REBECCA: Fair point.

ROBERT: So...I’m taking Aaron away to try and escape this Plot. It’s totally going to work.

REBECCA: That’s ridiculous. You and Aaron are really popular characters and they wouldn’t just let Aaron go. With all the tears he cries, he’s an awards magnet.

ROBERT: I know, but Aaron pretty much said yesterday that he can’t be a part of this Plot anymore. I’ll literally do anything to stay with him, which is totally healthy. So if we go, then my marriage will be fine, probably, maybe. But it’s definitely over if we stay. Look, take this envelope full of the most important things to me besides Aaron, and give it to my kid to remember me by.

REBECCA: Money and a picture of your dad? So you’re giving your son a photo representation of your own daddy issues so that he can know he’s not alone when he has his? Great parenting Rob!

ROBERT: Look, it’s all I can do. Oh, and be sure not to tell anyone we’re leaving. Now that I’ve said that, you probably will. - I have a bad feeling about this -

[Outside the Cafe with Rebecca and Victoria]

VICTORIA: Hey BPFF! What’s so urgent?

REBECCA: Well, Robert told me not to tell you, which of course means the Plot wants me to tell you. Anyway, Robert and Aaron are running away for good, which is apparently all my fault even though I would never own up to any responsibility for my part in any of this. I mean, Robert is just a devious, manipulative, self serving bastard and I’m a poor victim Plot Device with no real agency. It’s just how it’s always been...from birth. #Salty

VICTORIA: What do you mean they’re leaving? I haven’t even managed to talk Robert around about the Baby yet! This cannot be happening. I’m putting a stop to this immediately. *Runs off*

REBECCA: Have fun being a Plot Device too! I mean...don’t do it!

[The Shop with Aaron, Adam and Cain]

AARON: I’m totally going to get someone to help you run our business when I leave. Maybe they’ll even be more help than me...or either of us for that matter. Maybe they’ll actually do work!

ADAM: Hey, don’t worry about it. It’s not like the Plot will let you actually leave, at least not for more than a few weeks. My turn next though. It was the only way I could actually get a Plot of my own even if it is for my exit. At least I hope it’s me centric. Remains to be seen.

CAIN: So you’re leaving then?

AARON: Yep..totally...cheap deal.

CAIN: Good for you. I can help out at the yard. It’s not like I ever get to do actual work at the garage anymore.

AARON: No, I’m gonna give you some work to do later, so I’ll just ask Pete to help out. The Bartons are desperate for cash, sorry, money. I know this, because for some reason, Ross is still sort of involved in this Plot and I still can’t figure out why. #LetTheTheoryLive

CAIN: Right, well I look forward to that business then I guess. *Leaves*

AARON: *To Adam* Let me get in a Bartsy Hug, the fans need something to be happy about in this episode.

ADAM: Sure bro. I totally ship us.

[Outside Aaron’s Car with Aaron, Victoria, Rebecca and Adam]

VICTORIA: WHERE’S MY BROTHER?!

AARON: Pretending like he has an actual job again so he’s not in this scene.

VICTORIA: Well I know your big secret plans cause he told Rebecca who told me because that’s how the Plot works Aaron! This is just wrong! And will actually not fix anything. Surely you can see that.

AARON: Well the Plot hasn’t left me with many options, Vic.

REBECCA: No one has to go anywhere because of me.

AARON: *Laughs* Thanks?

REBECCA: I don’t see why you can’t just stick around for a bit. I mean...who knows what could happen. There are so many Plot Holes at this point, almost anything could. #LetTheTheoryLive

AARON: There are so many Plot Holes because this Plot is the fucking worst. Look I’ve held back with you because the Plot wouldn’t let me escalate things but all bets are off today. If you were a bloke, I’d probably be taking my anger issues out on you right now and end up back in prison. Knowing my luck, Jason would probably end up back inside too and be my new cellmate. Wouldn’t that be tragically coincidental. - I shouldn’t give the Plot anymore ideas -

VICTORIA: Okay, there’s no need for that! Also...don’t threaten BABY!

AARON: Just get her out of here then! #SoDoneWithThisPlot

ADAM: Hey...time for a chat!

[Aaron’s Car with Aaron and Adam]

ADAM: *Laughing*

AARON: What are you laughing at?

ADAM: Rebecca’s face. *Looks in back seat* Hey that’s a lot more luggage than the one bag you usually travel with. Is this more than a couple weeks away?

AARON: *Uses cute nickname for Adam* (FANDOM: awww) Yes, Robert has decided that the best way to deal with this horrible Plot is to escape it completely.

ADAM: Yeah...but the Plot still happened Aaron. Doesn’t matter if you’re here or not. This baby is still apparently going to exist...unless the Theory is true or Vic steals the baby and runs off with it.

AARON: Well I wouldn’t be surprised. She hardly even remembers I exist she’s so obsessed with that thing. She can have it to be honest.

ADAM: You know, Rebecca might not even be here in six months. (FANDOM: PLEASE!!!!!!!!)

AARON: Or she might be?! I can’t make any sense of this Plot anymore, Ad! I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I’m so tired. Look, you should have a key to the flat cause someone should use that set if we’re not here. But the Plot won’t let me give you my key for some reason so I have to give you Robert’s, which means I have to look in his conveniently placed jacket to find it and oh...what’s this? Oh it’s a freaky 3d scan photo of the baby! I knew he was lying when he said he’d never look back earlier. *Sees Robert in the side mirror* *Grabs ridiculously convenient wrench that just happens to be easily accessible in the back seat*

[Outside Robert’s Porsche with Robert, Aaron, Adam, Pete, Ross and Victoria]

AARON: *Charges toward Robert and his Porsche*

ADAM: You don’t want to do this! You just got out of prison, mate. Don’t give the Plot anymore ammunition to make your life miserable! *Tries to grab Aaron*

AARON: *Knocks Adam down* Sorry, I’m in full self destruct mode now. I somehow haven’t reached rock bottom yet and I need to get there fast or this Plot can never move along.

ROBERT: *Oblvious* Hey!

AARON: *Throws wrench at Robert...or maybe Robert’s car* (FANDOM: Not the Porsche! - maybe Ryan can get a higher car now? Nope...just the windshield. Damn! - )

ROBERT: WHAT THE HELL AARON? I know you hate this Plot but you could have killed me with that?!

AARON: *Still not done self destructing* *Charges at Robert and tackles him on top of the car* (FANDOM: If you pause it just right it just looks like they’re having a cuddle on top of the car...it’s fine...really) *Tackles Robert to the ground* (FANDOM: This is the most physical contact they will ever have... ) #EverythingIsAwful

*Pete and Adam pull them apart* *Vic watches from a distance*

ROSS: *Inserts himself into this Plot yet again*

ROBERT: *To Aaron in Shouty Mode* ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME WHAT’S GOING ON OR NOT?!?

AARON: *Holds up ‘Chekhov’s Scan Photo’ and throws it at Robert’s feet* *Stalks off*

ROBERT: *Distraught and Guilty Face* #SetUpByThePlotForFailure

[The Woolpack and Back Room with Aaron, Robert, Adam, Victoria and Faith]

ROBERT: *Still in Shouty Mode* YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME!

FAITH: Ooooh! Juicy gossip! ...oh...this is actually serious...nevermind…

ROBERT: *Still in Shouty Mode* BECAUSE OF THIS? REALLY? *Holds up scan photo*

ADAM: Not everyone likes your Shouty Mode as much as the fans. Chill out.

ROBERT: I don’t even know where you found it.

AARON: The Plot put it in your jacket for me to find.

ROBERT: AND YOU WERE GOING TO CAVE MY SKULL IN OVER THIS?!

AARON: I don’t know. The Plot clearly doesn’t want us to be together right now. Look, I’m exhausted from all of this. I’m just going to go in the back room and pretend like I’ve gone back in time and still live here before this Plot actually started.

*Robert Follows* *Vic Enters*

VICTORIA: Oh hey Adam. We finally get to have a scene together again. How nice. Now...where are they?

ADAM: Back room.

VICTORIA: The Plot could be having them kill each other right now and you left them alone? Go check on them right now!

ADAM: Not even together and you’re still nagging me. Fine.

*Adam goes into the back room*

ADAM: Hey, you haven’t killed each other. Nice. Right...job done. Wait...Aaron you don’t look very good. Let’s see, you have random blood spots on your nice new shirt and you look like hell and… *Aaron collapses in his arms* and oh look you’re collapsing. That must mean you’re having a self harm Side Plot again.

ROBERT: Yeah, I only found out about it yesterday.

ADAM: And you didn’t say anything?

ROBERT: *With this Plot does that surprise you Face* #SetUpByThePlotForFailure Let me get him home so I can continue to be in denial about everything.

ADAM: No, I’ll take him to hospital. You just stay away from him. If you want to be in denial, pretend it’s 2015 or early 2016.

[The Mill of Misery with Robert, Aaron, Adam and Victoria]

FANDOM: It’s Bartsugsy! And we can’t even enjoy it. #ThisPlotSucks

ROBERT: *Has literally been standing by the door waiting the whole time*

AARON: *Looks awful and super done as he comes in and sits down*

VICTORIA: *Actually looks like she cares about Aaron for once*

ADAM: Hospital checked him over, gave him some antibiotics…

VICTORIA: Well our work here is done. We’ll leave you to the Plot now. *Squeezes Aaron’s shoulder like she finally acknowledges that this is hard for him*

*Victoria and Adam leave*

ROBERT: So...despite the fact that you just threw a wrench at me and tackled me in the street and then collapsed from your self harm cuts, I’m still totally in denial and think we’re going to Dublin to put this all behind us. We’ll just make up a quick excuse to your mum and be on our way…

AARON: Are you even listening to yourself? We’re a mess! I can’t go.

ROBERT: But we have to. This is exactly why!

AARON: No, this is exactly why I can’t. Robert, this Plot has driven us into the ground. Maybe they want to build us back up, who even knows anymore, but this here, it’s pretty much rock bottom.

ROBERT: But I didn’t know I had that scan photo still! I mean, I did cause I totally asked to see it yesterday but you don’t need to know that.

AARON: And did you get rid of it now?

ROBERT: *Conflicted Face*

AARON: I knew you didn’t, because you’ve been conflicted about this baby since day one. None of us deserve this Plot Robert. You didn’t deserve what the Plot almost had me do to you today and it made me threaten a pregnant woman and I still totally want her baby dead. It also put me in prison which led to this whole mess in the first place.

ROBERT: We can start again!

AARON: It’s not worth it anymore right now. The Plot has been pushing us toward this destruction this whole time. We just didn’t want to see it.

ROBERT: *Heartbroken Face*

[The Mill of Misery with Aaron and Robert]

ROBERT: *Still in Denial Mode* Aaron this doesn’t have to change anything!

AARON: That’s the point, Robert. Nothing in this Plot will change if we stay together right now. We’ll just keep going around and around in circles like we have been. I think this might actually be necessary for forward progression.

ROBERT: The Plot is just making you tired. You’re not thinking clearly.

AARON: I know Denial Land is fun, Robert, but you can’t live there forever. You should just go. The sooner we start this phase of the Plot, the sooner we can move on from it.

ROBERT: I can’t leave you like this.

AARON: Adam will come over. We don’t spend nearly enough time together anymore.

ROBERT: NO. We do this and there’s no telling how the Plot will handle it. Look at Coira! They’re still apart. And I don’t want to end up dating a Vicar or something!!

AARON: Don’t be stupid. I heard our second wedding was pretty much confirmed.

ROBERT: But I know you still love me. You can’t even look me in the eye because otherwise our magical soulmate love and chemistry would make you melt and we’d be back together like we should be and we can finally start having those fluffy domestic scenes in this house like the fans have been wanting for ages. I could even invest in some new lighting for the sake of the gif makers. This Plot is just ridiculous! #SpeakingForTheFandom

AARON: I do still love you. I’ll always love you.

FANDOM: Awwww!!!! Stop hurting us!

AARON: I just really hate this Plot Robert. And if we go on like this, it’ll probably end up killing me. *Takes off ring*

FANDOM: NOOOOOO!!!! NOT THE RING! *Ring Watch Mode Activate*

AARON: Just take it…

ROBERT: *Looks like death* *Beyond Heartbroken Face* *takes ring*

*Cheek kiss* - for the fans...even if it is literally killing them

ROBERT: *Pained, this is the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life Face*

AARON: *I hate what this Plot has done to us Face* You should probably go now…

ROBERT: *Please don’t make me, I’ll literally do anything Face*

AARON: Just go Robert…

ROBERT: *I would bring death to this Plot if I wasn’t so fucking broken Face* (RYAN: Times like these, I really wish I could cry) *Leaves reluctantly*

AARON: (Danny: Let me show you how it’s done) *Sweater Paws up* *Crying Face*

FANDOM: *Crying Face* WHYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! So...when’s the reunion?

Chapter Text

14 July 2017

[Brook Cottage with Robert, Diane and Victoria]

FANDOM: A Sugden family scene?! What kind of blessing is this?! Oh it took Aaron leaving him for them to actually care...great...still Sugden Family!

ROBERT: *Denial Mode Activate* *Stares longingly at ring* I just want to see him because that will totally fix everything even though he said our relationship and this Plot were literally killing him at this point. But it will be fine...if I can just see him.

DIANE: Umm...Pet...your relationship seems super unhealthy right now and it sounds like he made a decision and you should respect that, because if not, you’re going to make it worse. #VoiceOfReason

VICTORIA: Okay I’m going to attempt to be somewhat reasonable today. Maybe if this Plot is more about the issues of your relationship and Aaron’s mental health than that other thing I’m obsessed with, then maybe if he’s actually allowed to get some counseling, all of this will still work out.

ROBERT: *Still in Denial Mode* I just need to talk to him some more. Tell him that we’re in this together in hating this Plot, that I really don’t want Plot Baby. I mean his issues are clearly only tied to this Plot and have nothing to do with the fact that he’s had mental health problems for years, even before me that he’s never been allowed to properly deal with because the Plot likes to use them for drama.

VICTORIA: It just needs time to sink in - wait did I just mean that I accept that you don’t want anything to do with this Plot Baby? Because that’s what I’ve been trying to force you into for weeks. I don’t even understand myself sometimes. - But he knows how much you love him and love will conquer all…

DIANE: But...smothering him with your love won’t help matters Robert. You need to give him space, pet. The most important thing is that he stops hurting himself. #TheVoiceOfReason

ROBERT: *Still in Denial Mode* So I’m just supposed let him go? The one person I can see spending my whole life with?! (FANDOM: Oh Robert…)

DIANE: You have to be brave, pet. #TheVoiceOfReason

ROBERT: *Denial Mode* He’s not leaving me. I won’t let him. I don’t trust the Plot to get us back together. Again...look at Coira?!

VICTORIA: Just give him some space, Rob, he needs to come to you. - Wow, look at that reasonable sentence I just said! -

DIANE: *Motherly Mode* - hey it happens every once in awhile - Eat your breakfast and then it’s ‘Take your Step Son to work Day’ at the B&B because I can’t let you sit here and wallow anymore.

ROBERT: *I’m too heartbroken to even consider eating my breakfast Face*

[The Woolpack with Debbie and Rebecca]

DEBBIE: Hey Bex, I’m still a miserable person who finds no joy in life. I agreed to help my mum so she could be off screen for a bit and now it’s like I’m actually doing what I said I’d do and it’s terrible.

REBECCA: Aren’t you supposed to have staff?

DEBBIE: Well yeah, but Marlon is taking care of Leo because Rhona’s Plot is miserable, which is totally understandable. And Victoria has been up all night dealing with Robert and his Plot…

REBECCA: I’m part of that Plot...when it suits the Plot anyway, what’s going on with it?

DEBBIE: Oh you know Robert and Aaron broke up for the thousandth time.

REBECCA: Because of me? *Blink Blink Blink* And the Plot Baby? *Blink Blink Blink*

DEBBIE: Well you know some people like me can totally accept raising their partner’s child that they had with their own mother, but you know some people struggle with that whole husband cheating on them and having a baby with someone else thing. It’s crazy, I know. I guess I can maybe understand, it’s not like I’d want to do that again. #LetTheTheoryLive

REBECCA: Gosh I feel so terrible...maybe...possibly...maybe not...who knows… *Blink Blink Blink*

DEBBIE: Yeah...which is why you’re never going to go back there right? The fans really want some assurances.

REBECCA: As if I would...even though I totally flirted with him yesterday at the cricket pavilion.

[Outside the Cafe with Aaron and Adam]

FANDOM: Oooh Hi-Vis Vests. Wardrobe Approved!

AARON: Let’s get back to work cause I need distractions.

ADAM: You literally collapsed yesterday Aaron. You’re pushing yourself too hard. Let’s just find other ways to take your mind off Robert. I’ll let you beat me at snooker. Will that make you feel better?

AARON: *Eh probably not Face*

ADAM: Look I know you’re finding this latest Plot Development hard but you need to work with me mate? If you don’t, I don’t have scenes. I just want to have scenes. What are you doing?

AARON: Flawlessly texting with one thumb.

ADAM: You’re not texting Robert are you? Are there typos? Cause I don’t think I could text like that and have there not be-

AARON: Bye Adam!

[The B&B with Robert, Victoria and Diane]

ROBERT: *Feeling very sorry for himself* *Ping* *Oh my god it’s Aaron Face* It’s Aaron. Aaron wants to meet me in the pub later!

VICTORIA: The pub? *Still trying hard to be reasonable*

ROBERT: Yeah...well we’ve got a ton of massive issues that I’m ignoring so a neutral place is probably best.

VICTORIA: Well he’s probably slept on it and realized this was all just a big mistake. Everything will be fine. #DenialIsASugdenSiblingTrait

DIANE: *My step children are both ridiculous Face* We have no idea what he’s thinking from just a single text. #TheVoiceOfReason

VICTORIA: Well he’s starting a conversation which has almost never happened before, so that’s good.

ROBERT: Yeah, maybe he’s decided that this Plot Baby doesn’t have to be a big deal even though he was literally wishing it dead the other day. I mean, I’ve done that myself so it’s not like I don’t understand him.

VICTORIA: Yeah...babies are no big deal at all. - Yes I’m a hypocrite - I mean I was willing to take Johnny on when I thought he was Adam’s. Wow I can’t believe it took me this far into this Plot to mention that. You’d think that would have been my first thought, but that would have meant that I actually cared about your relationship with Aaron and how Aaron was feeling about all of this and not just about BABY! ….’when I thought he was Adam’s’...this would be such an excellent time to suggest a DNA test if I was a rational character…

ROBERT: *So deep into Denial Mode he might never return* I can fix this. This is all going to be fine. Nothing bad can happen here. I can do anything if I’ve got Aaron, which is totally not codependent or unhealthy at all. Nope. Everything is good.

DIANE: *Oh dear my step son is in trouble and this is not going to go well Face* - Maybe if I had stepped in sooner -

[The Woolpack with Robert and Debbie]

ROBERT: *Walks by Ross who is still sort of in this story for some reason* #LetTheTheoryLive

DEBBIE: What can I get you?

ROBERT: Just a lager. *Super nervous I hope my husband has just decided to ignore this Plot with me Face*

[The Woolpack Kitchen with Victoria and Rebecca]

REBECCA: Is Robert alright? Now, I don’t know if I’m asking because I genuinely care or if I just want to appear that I do, or if I just want to know if I still have an in? But still, how is he?

VICTORIA: Well he got a text from Aaron so he’s doing okay again. It’s totally fine that his happiness depends entirely on whether he has Aaron and Aaron is happy. Nothing unhealthy about that.

REBECCA: So you think they’ll make up?

VICTORIA: *Joining Robert in Denial Mode* Why else would Aaron text him? I can’t think of a reason.

REBECCA: It really sucks being the bad guy in this. The fans really hate me.

VICTORIA: You’re not and there are some that don’t hate you (and the anti robron people love you and think you’re the best ever.)

REBECCA: This bump I don’t actually have but probably should if the prop people cared at all begs to differ.

VICTORIA: Well you didn’t force him to have sex. Wow I think that was the first time I’ve actually directly mentioned the fact that you had a one night stand with my brother. I mean, you’re carrying the baby that’s possibly blood related to me that I’m probably going to steal from you because I’m majorly projecting, so that’s absolved you of all guilt on the matter.

REBECCA: Well I could have gotten rid of the baby like he wanted...I mean like he was trying to force me to do. Yep, that’s the only other action I could have taken. I mean it’s not like I could have chosen not to have sex with him even though five minutes before I agreed I was literally telling him he was just upset and that he still loved Aaron and I actually got up and walked away from him. But then you know, he manipulated me and used me because he’s a devious, self serving person and always has been from birth, and I apparently am that naive unless the Plot wants to finally let me be the villain I was born to play. In any case, I don’t regret any of my decisions that were totally my decisions because I have so much agency in this Plot. But I really just hoped that Robert and Aaron would come around even though I totally have been getting in the way of their relationship since I arrived.

VICTORIA: They will come around...the Plot will make them...or I will.

REBECCA: But what if Aaron stops Robert from seeing the baby. (FANDOM: Yes, because that’s totally what’s been happening….*Facepalm*)

VICTORIA: Aaron would never do that. That’s why he’s been burying his feelings this whole time, telling Robert that he needed to just be honest with him about how he was feeling about the baby and that he could handle it until it literally drove him to the breaking point.

REBECCA: I mean I totally want Aaron to be a part of this baby’s life. Cause you know I wasn’t telling him a couple of months ago to run for the hills and save himself from Evil Robert and now that he is, I think it’s ridiculous. Cause what would be better than having two dads! Yay! And then the baby would have the whole Dingle Clan behind it and they’re no more fucked up than my family. Let’s all be dysfunctional together!!

VICTORIA: We’ve got months of this Plot left (FANDOM: Please don’t remind us!) I’m sure it will all work itself out. Aaron’s probably telling Robert right now how unnecessary he’s being about all of this. I mean why on earth would he have a problem with his husband cheating on him and having a child with someone else? I mean I had a Plot like that and I was fine with it. Of course I also had a Plot that I’m currently in denial about where I broke things off with my husband for a lot less, but who’s counting. I really just want the fans to be frustrated with me again so what better way to do so than saying Aaron’s feelings are invalid. I guess this could all be a positive thing for the Plot too, that they’re getting this break up out of the way so the Plot and the potential for their future relationship can start to move forward.

[The Woolpack with Aaron and Robert]

*Aaron enters carrying his backpack*

ROBERT: *Denial Mode Activate* *Eyes light up when he sees Aaron* Hey! *Sees bag* Wait...you’re still leaving. This is not how this is supposed to go…

AARON: Yes, I’m still leaving. One of us has to. The Plot can’t possibly focus on both of us at the same time.

ROBERT: *Denial Mode* Well if you’re gonna be off screen, I want to be off screen too. I’ll just follow you over there in a few days, because you totally want me to come right?

AARON: No Robert, we’ve been through this.

ROBERT: *Denial Mode* But...that was yesterday. Surely you’ve changed your mind by now. Isn’t this like all of our other break ups. One of us takes their ring off and then we talk and then we put the rings back on and sweep the problems under the rug until next time?

AARON: No, Robert. We talked about this. This is why I wanted to meet in the Pub so we didn’t have to do it all again. I told you, this Plot Point has to happen for the Plot to move on, for our overall arc to finally break the pattern it’s been in. Neither I or the fans can keep going through this cycle. Something has to change.

ROBERT: *Still in Denial Mode* *Desperation Mode Activate* But Aaron, I’ve not slept. I didn’t have you or my butterfly blanket of comfort. I just sat up and stared at your ring all night. I’m too codependent for this. Remember what happened when you went to prison. This whole Plot started!?! I’m scared what will happen if I’m left on my own again.

AARON: You’ll be fine.

ROBERT: *Denial and Desperation Mode* Have you met me? Remember the tree and the Incident. Aaron, I need a Robert Sitter. Bad things happen when I’m on my own. You know that. You can’t leave me. You love me and you need me, or at least I need you to need me because my entire sense of self worth is wrapped up in you needing me.

AARON: No, I need to get well, which is what I’ve been trying to tell you. (FANDOM: We’re so proud of you Aaron.) And apparently so do you if this is how you’re reacting. In any case, you’re not listening to me. *Gets up and leaves*

ROBERT: I am listening...I’m trying. I’m just so deep into Denial Land that I can’t actually hear you.

[Outside the Woolpack with Robert, Aaron and Adam]

ADAM: You ready for some off screen time? I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. I really thought getting involved in your Plot would give me more, not less or just as little as before. You owe me a lot of scenes when we get back!

ROBERT: *Denial and Desperation Mode* Aaron don’t go. I’m begging you. I’ll literally do anything for you, which may be part of the problem but who cares. Never leave me!

ADAM: Robert, not now. Use this time to sort your own shit out. I hear you’ll get plenty of screen time to do so. Use it wisely.

ROBERT: *Denial and Desperation Mode* You’re gonna wake up and regret this Plot Point every day! I know I do and will forever until I somehow manage to fix this.

AARON: *Please just let me escape this Plot Face*

ROBERT: *Deep Denial and Desperation Mode* But we’re perfect together! I mean, so what if I ignored your apparently very real concern about the time I spent with Rebecca. So what if it led you to beat up another Plot Device and end up in prison. So what if I cheated on you three weeks into our frustratingly non legal marriage. So what if there’s a Plot Baby. So what if you just threw a wrench at me/my car and tackled me in the street. It’s all fine. This is a totally healthy and functional relationship.

AARON: *Shakes head* No, Robert. I mean, it could have been perfect if the Plot decided to be kind to us, but when has that ever happened? I mean, I hate this Plot and what it’s turned me into but it’s just way it is.

ROBERT: *Denial and Desperation Mode* But you can’t just run away. This is ridiculous. If you leave, I’m going to have no one to share my scenes with except Rebecca and the fans will hate that. And what if you hurt yourself more?

AARON: I won’t Robert. But if I say here, I will. The Plot will make sure of it. The only way this works is if I get away from the Plot for a while.

ROBERT: *Denial and Desperation Mode* But I can get you through this. I can protect you from the parts of the Plot that hurt you. And I’ll never let you down again. I mean the Plot will make me do so because apparently that’s my character, but I don’t want to.

AARON: I need to do this myself. I need to fix myself. I can’t be this pathetic, needy, broken person...I just…(FANDOM: Still so proud of you Aaron!) Please, Robert, just let me get on with this Plot Point. It’ll be better if I do.

ROBERT: *My life purpose of making you happy is being ripped away from me Face* (RYAN: I’m trying so hard to cry and it’s just not working. For the love of god someone get me a tear stick?! Or...Danny, can I borrow some of yours?)

AARON: I’ll see you later Robert. (DANNY: Just go with the jaw clench. The fans like that.)

ROBERT: *Pained Non Crying Face* *Jaw Clench*

*Bartsy Road Trip to Aaron’s Recovery Begins*

Chapter Text

17 July 2017

[The B&B with Robert, Diane and Doug]

ROBERT: *Sad Sack Mode Activate* - Day drinking, check. Mindlessly making paper airplanes, check. Slumped in a chair being lazy instead of working, check.

DIANE: Robert! Two episodes in a row, I’m not used to so much time with you! Why aren’t you at work?!

ROBERT: *My life is over Face* What’s the point? I only ever work for Plot reasons anyway, Jimmy won’t miss me. Won’t even know I’m not there over the sound of his gastro orchestra.

DIANE: The point is, you can’t just sit around feeling sorry for yourself. The Plot will never move on if you’re just moping and avoiding it. Besides, drinking is what got you into this mess. *Takes glass* so let’s stop that right now. #VoiceOfReason

DOUG: It’s barely even midday Robert! Have some dignity! Like Diane said, it’s the only way the Plot will move forward.

ROBERT: Says the man whose best mate is a vegetable. I wish I had a vegetable to talk to. Or a fruit. Do you have any pineapples? Leo once drew a picture of Aaron with a pineapple shaped head. I fell in love with him all over again when I realized…

DIANE: Hey, no need to take it out on us. You’ll need your family around you if you’re gonna get through this.

ROBERT: Plot!Family more like. When are you ever there for me otherwise and barely even then. And what do you know about it? You can’t possibly have ever been more heartbroken than me. #Extra

DIANE: Plenty. Remember that time I cheated on your dad and he went off to Spain and died? #RIPJack (#RIPClive) You’re not the first person to have their heart broken.

ROBERT: *Extra Sad Sack Mode Activate* Aaron was my whole life. *Voice Crack* Now I have nothing. #GifableLine That felt good to get out. It’s the absolute unhealthy truth but I also want the audience to feel sorry for me. Not too sorry mind you, so...the only thing I do have is two pensioners pretending to know what it feels like to lose Aaron Dingle. Let me tell you, it’s fucking awful. It’s obvious you two gave up ages ago. If he left *nods at Doug* it would take you a week to even notice. Unlike me. I notice every single second and it’s terrible. #ThisPlotIsTheWorst #PleaseLetUsNotBeCoira

DIANE: That’s enough. If you carry on, you’ll really lose audience sympathy. I might be old, but I can still give you a clip round the ear to keep you from messing up this Plot more than you already have.

DOUG: Hey, our relationship might not be perfect but at least we’re willing to work at it. That’s the trouble with you young folk. No staying power. (FANDOM: Please don’t joke!) I learned how to dance and got seasick for her!

ROBERT: I burned a hundred grand for Aaron…

DOUG: Wait...what?!

ROBERT: Nevermind, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I wish Aaron and I could be boring like you…

DIANE: *My Stepson is dick Face*

ROBERT: No, no, not boring...umm….normal? Yeah, I just want to be normal. No baby plots and self harm side plots and wrench throwing and money burning. I just want to have cute fluffy domestic scenes, maybe get caught having sex a lot like Nicola and Jimmy…

DIANE: It’s okay, pet, it’s what we all want.

DOUG: Let me get you a coffee, get you sobered up...because that’s what people should do with a drunk and heartbroken Robert. #StillBitter

ROBERT: I’m fine (I’m totally not fine). I just need to be on my own (I’m terrible on my own. I need Aaron). Need to get my head straight (So I can resume Operation Fight For Aaron!)

DIANE AND DOUG: *This is not going to go well at all Face*

[Outside the Cafe with Robert and Rebecca]

REBECCA: *Reads a book on pregnancy* - someone has to. It says I should have started showing already but I’m still wearing skinny jeans and heals so….#LetTheTheoryLive

ROBERT: Having lunch alone so I can make a scene, but not a public one, only to remind the audience that even though they pity me for losing Aaron, I’m still an asshole? Or is it because you have no friends? I have no friends. I know what that’s like. Maybe I could join you? Remember before this Plot when we were kind of almost friends, except not, because it was all leading to this Hell Plot anyway?

REBECCA: I have a great Plotship with your sister actually! But...I was just leaving. I need to make the audience believe that I’m rising above this, because I’m a good person, better than you.

ROBERT: Not so fast. I’ve not stepped over the line yet. If I don’t remind the audience that I’m an insensitive jerk, they’d have forgotten by the time I drunkenly fall down the stairs next week and have an epiphany to apologize to you.

REBECCA: Look, I’m really trying to overcome the fact that your fans hate me so much. I try to be sincere, but somehow it never comes out like that. I don’t know why. But let me try again. I’m really sorry for the fact that this Plot destroyed your marriage.

ROBERT: That’s your best shot? Really?

REBECCA: Yes, truly. (EMILY: Look, this is really hard with my limited acting range, okay!)

ROBERT: Right, let me speak for my fans here and tell you what they’ve been seeing. This is what you’ve wanted all along.

REBECCA: What? Really?

ROBERT: You think that now that Aaron is out of the way, I’ll be all yours. You’ve had people panicking for months over us hooking up again or hell, even getting together properly.

REBECCA: You’re kidding right?

ROBERT: Don’t act innocent. The fans don’t buy it and neither do I. Look, it’s not gonna happen, because I love Aaron more than life itself. I even proved that by nearly drowning in a lake trying to save him. I wish I’d never gone near you. I hate this Plot for putting me in that situation.

REBECCA: *Blink Blink Blink* You don’t have to be like this. Look how reasonable and mature I’m being about all of this. Does the audience love me yet? *Blink Blink Blink* I’m sure Aaron will come around eventually. Even if your fans hate me, they love the two of you together. If he doesn’t come around and you don’t work through all of your issues, then what even was the point of this Plot?

ROBERT: I don’t know! But how is he supposed to get over the impossible situation we’re all in with this Plot when it’s not going away! *Gestures toward her flat stomach*

REBECCA: Look! I was told that they prop people lost the pregnancy padding. They’re looking for it, okay! And it’s not my fault the Plot decided to impregnate me with YOUR baby!?

ROBERT: Yeah, but is it mine? Because I’ve just now realized in my drunken state, that the only confirmation I have of that, is your word. (FANDOM: *Sreaming* Get a DNA test!!!) I mean...you slept with Ross before and after our one night stand….

REBECCA: You’re making too much sense Robert. Your goal of being a jerk isn’t working well enough. Try harder.

ROBERT: Sorry, back on track. All I have is your word that the baby is mine. A desperate slapper like you, it could be anyone! - but let’s be real, it would probably be Ross’s - #LetTheTheoryLive

REBECCA: *Slaps Robert* *Leaves with heels clicking on the pavement*

ROBERT: *I didn’t mean literal slapper Face* - ow! -

[Outside the Shop with Robert, Diane and Doug]

DOUG: *talks about their boring things that Robert wishes he could be talking to Aaron about*

*Robert walks by with a bag slung over his shoulder*

DIANE: Robert! Are you moving back in!?

ROBERT: *gratuitous ass shot #1 in the good jeans* - for the fans - Nothing gets past you!

DIANE: But...it’s Aaron’s house remember? You had a whole side plot about money that made it his house. If only you had paid for it with your secret stash! Then you would still have a home. #VoiceOfReason

DOUG: Some would say just barging in would be breaking and entering!

ROBERT: Are you going to call the police?

DIANE: Of course not! I remember you’re technically my family this week!

ROBERT: *gratuitous front shot in the good jeans* Then we haven’t got a problem. Besides, Aaron and I basically get off on each other breaking and entering. I mean we met because he and Ross stole my car. It’s basically foreplay. This will totally work because I’ve decided to take your advice Doug. Thanks for prompting me into this Plot Point. You’re a real pal. You and that prized marrow. Aaron’s angry right now, but if he sees I’m not giving up, if he sees that I’m literally squatting in his house and not giving him any space at all, then he’ll obviously want to get back with me. Me hovering around him every second will absolutely let him get his head around everything. Yep! Well, I have to try anyway.

DOUG: *Maybe it’ll work out Face*

DIANE: *Maybe it’ll blow up in his face Face*

ROBERT: *gratuitous ass shot #2 in the good jeans* - for the fans, because they are getting so little these days… #ThisPlotIsTheWorst

Chapter Text

19 July 2017

[Home Farm with Chrissie and Rebecca and other people I can’t be bothered with]

CHRISSIE: Hey, sis, does this outfit say ‘attractive biological niece I’d like to date’?

REBECCA: Definitely! Meeting the bio uncle you don’t know is your bio uncle?

CHRISSIE: Yep! I don’t know why I’m even into him, he’s hardly a Sugden brother.

REBECCA: Oops, you’ve still got a tag. By the way, as I get up and hide behind you and immediately sit back down behind this large desk, does my outfit say 'baggy because we still can’t find the pregnancy padding’?

CHRISSIE: Probably but we’re talking about my Plot today, everyone is tired of yours.

[Home Farm with Chrissie and Rebecca and I guess Lawrence was there too]

CHRISSIE: Look, I have some cake from my date…I mean business meeting.

LAWRENCE: *It’s a good thing I’m easily fooled for the moment Face*

REBECCA: Oh goodie, cake! This will do nicely in fattening me up until they find the pregnancy padding!

Chapter Text

20 July 2017

[The Woolpack with Rebecca, Debbie, and Victoria]

VICTORIA: So I see you’re not invited to Kerry’s party because that would imply that you had connections in this village outside of the Hell Plot and it’s adjacent parties?

REBECCA: Ooh! But we could crash it! I love going where I’m not wanted.

DEBBIE: Eh, no thanks. We need to stay here so you can continue to be weirdly invested in my relationship with Ross.

REBECCA: *Looks at Ross* You’re right that is a much better plan. Even though I thought we were going to have a night out.

DEBBIE: Yeah, but you’re pregnant.

REBECCA: Yes, you’re right, I am pregnant. Thanks for helping me remind the audience. Sometimes they forget in those rare episodes where I’m on screen without my sister or the supposed father of my child.

VICTORIA: I can cover for you Debs, if you want to go out. I’m really only a Plot Device too these days, so you might as well make use of me.

DEBBIE: No thanks, I want to check out that Knockoff Ross Barton at the other end of the bar. I’m going to go get him a drink. Vic, can you get Rebecca an orange juice for obvious reasons?

REBECCA: Yep, because I’m pregnant and I can’t drink alcohol. Did everyone hear that? I just want to be sure. #LetTheTheoryLive

[The Woolpack with Rebecca, Debbie, Victoria and Knockoff Ross]

*Victoria and Rebecca watch Debbie awkwardly flirt with Knockoff Ross*

REBECCA: Oh this is so painful to watch #RelatableForTheWrongReasons

VICTORIA: And yet I can’t stop. (FANDOM: Neither can we, that’s the problem!)

Chapter Text

25 July 2017

[The Cafe with Robert and Charity]

CHARITY: Hey Squatter Boy! (FANDOM: Ooh a new nickname!)

ROBERT: *It was supposed to be my home too before the Plot stole it from me Face*

CHARITY: See you’re rocking the homeless chic look and the sad floppy hair? Nice. Really going full force with the wallowing!

ROBERT: *I’ve lost the will to shower Face*

CHARITY: So Victoria told me you’ve moved back into the Mill. That’s classy of you, taking advantage of Liv still being off with her Plot Device of a mum and giving Aaron a destination to flee to. I know the Plot made you do it, but you know Aaron’s not going to want you there.

ROBERT: How is Liv? The fans are really invested in our relationship and I would hate to see the Plot destroy that.

CHARITY: Yeah, like I said, still with her Plot Device of a mum. She’s off screen, so she really has no Plot for me to tell you about.

ROBERT: and *Pause*? - That pause means Aaron by the way! Tell me about AARON! Please!!!!

CHARITY: Anyway, so the reason I’m in this scene is because the Plot stole my keys from me so that I would need yours to facilitate us interacting later in the episode. I suppose it’s vaguely in character for me. Considering everything that’s happening in your Plot right now, I should be grateful for that.

ROBERT: Well I wasn’t briefed on this Plot Point, so I don’t have them with me. I’m guessing there’s for a reason that we’ll both discover later.

CHARITY: Oh Robert Sugden-Dingle (FANDOM: WHYYYYYY!!! Are they back together yet?) If I didn’t know better I’d say you were holding onto them as a little souvenier.

ROBERT: What reason could I possibly have for that?

CHARITY: Because you’re a sappy sentimental softie and you want to remind yourself of that time before the Plot destroyed your happiness…

ROBERT: *Right, that Face* It’s a good thing you know me better than that then...cause I’m not like that AT ALL #AreWeBackTogetherYet

CHARITY: Look, just bring the Plot Keys over when you’ve had a shower.

ROBERT: *I was hoping to recreate the scent of dirty lake water because that’s when this whole Hell Plot really started and I want to go back and change it Face*

[The Cafe with Robert and Victoria]

ROBERT: *Sees Victoria sit down across from him* When will the Plot let me live?! I’m just here for a coffee, not a pity party...but actually, please pity me because I’m nothing now and not even this Americano can save me. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: Look, I’m over this phase of the Plot, everyone is. (FANDOM: Yep, let’s move on to the big twist that’s never coming! #LetTheTheoryLive)

ROBERT: Good, me too. #AreWeBackTogetherYet *Tries to leave*

VICTORIA: No no, just because everyone is over the Plot, doesn’t mean we don’t still have to endure it. Sit back down.

ROBERT: *I fucking hate this Plot Face*

VICTORIA: The Plot would like you to apologize to Rebecca because she’s a victim and you’re a monster, a really sad and pitiful one right now, but yep, still a monster. Anyway, I’m here to put the idea in your head so you can do it later.

ROBERT: But why would I apologize to her? The fans don’t even want us to share scenes.

VICTORIA: Because Robert, the Plot has had you be repeatedly vile to her to make you look like an asshole. I mean it’s mostly in character for you, but it has been pretty extreme.

ROBERT: Look, Vic! Can you just stay out of my Plot. Didn’t you have one of your own? Why did you just abandon it for mine?

VICTORIA: Robert! You’re all over the place! Having a go at anyone who matters!

ROBERT: Rebecca doesn’t matter #SpeakingForTheFandom #SpeakingForThePlotMostOfTheTime

VICTORA: Well do I matter? Because you’re having a go at me and I am not to blame for any of your problems. None of us are.

ROBERT: Well that’s not strictly true. But cheers for putting everything on me. Maxine already had me own my part in all of this months ago. It’s hardly my fault the Plot wouldn’t allow Aaron to get the help he needs for his multitude of issues that the Plot has forced on him for years and years. Nope, the Plot had to save up all of his internal pain just so it could all blow up in our faces and wring out all of the tears it could from him. Now he’s had to go off screen so he could replenish them probably. Real nice Plot! Thanks! Please get him proper help this time so he can be healthier by the time you get us back together so that we don’t repeat this Plot again a few months down the line. I also probably need a lot of therapy but I care more about Aaron’s well being so let’s start there. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: I’m not blaming you Robert. You’re right, the Plot sucks, I’m just worried! This isn’t you Robert.

ROBERT: *This is me now until the Plot fixes things Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[The Woolpack with Robert, Victoria, Chrissie, Rebecca, Charity and Lawrence]

VICTORIA: Here, have more alcohol. That will totally help you.

CHARITY: Plot Keys please!

ROBERT: Yep, didn’t bring them. Still think it’s important that I don’t just hand them over.

CHARITY: Vic, restrict his alcohol intake until he gives me my keys.

ROBERT: *grabs pint* *how am I supposed to wallow effectively without alcohol Face*

VICTORIA: *Takes pint back* *Figure it out Face*

LAWRENCE: *Stuff about Lachlan* #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise *Lawrence leaves because he is unnecessary at the moment*

REBECCA: So, tell me about your bio Uncle that you don’t know is your bio Uncle! I’m sure the fact that Robert is lurking in the background will have no effect on me later.

ROBERT: *Sits down within earshot* Oh no, do continue. You’re in a scene with me, so you must be talking about this Plot. If I’m forced to live it, I might as well hear everyone else go on about it.

CHRISSIE: We’re not talking about your Plot, we’re talking about mine where I’m trying to flirt with my bio Uncle.

ROBERT: Great then, I’d rather hear about other Plots anyway. Besides, maybe I can use this one to my advantage.

CHRISSIE AND REBECCA: *Haha this totally won’t come back to bite us Face*

ROBERT: Hey, I’m drunk and sad but don’t call me pathetic and weak. You know what would be fun! Let me give everyone in the pub my sexual history with the two of you.

CHRISSIE AND REBECCA: *Yep that happened Face*

ROBERT: And now I’m stuck in this Hell Plot having a Plot Baby with you Rebecca…

CHRISSIE: What’s your point Robert?

REBECCA: That he’s really good at sleeping around and we keep going along with it?

ROBERT: My point is that Aaron is the bestest thing that ever happened to me and I love him more than showers and sobriety and life itself and I’m gonna shout it to the world now and the Plot keeps throwing you two in my way. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: Robert! Shut it and shove it...out the door!

ROBERT: And you! You value a plotship over your own brother! You took her in over me!

REBECCA: *Obviously, Plot is thicker than blood Face*

VICTORIA: You know that’s not what happened! #SureJan

ROBERT: You know what I haven’t talked about in a while, my issues with Andy. You would have never taken the Whites’ side over Andy. In fact, you didn’t! You wanted to take Chrissie down for framing him and you called Rebecca a shark! On second thought though, if it involved a baby, you probably would have. You were all about Johnny when you thought he was Adam’s. What is it with you and your baby obsession Vic? It’s really disconcerting at this point! #SpeakingForTheFandom

VICTORIA: *Grabs Robert by the ear*

ROBERT: OW!!! That really actually hurts. Can you stop please?!

VICTORIA: Nope, it’s working really well. Come on!

CHRISSIE AND REBECCA: *Laughing now until Robert gets involved in their Home Farm Plots*

[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Victoria and the Spiral Staircase from Hell]

ROBERT: I do know how to get home Vic! The Plot hasn’t taken my sense of direction yet. That’s about the only thing it’s left me. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: It stinks in here! Aaron will never get back together with you if he comes back to this!

ROBERT: You know, you didn’t have to rough me up!

VICTORIA: Get over yourself! I get that you’re feeling sad about losing the love of your life but so did I!

ROBERT: Oh, you want to get into #HusbandDiscourse do ya?! Adam is no Aaron, okay! Aaron is everything! Aaron Dingle changed my entire life and losing him is literally killing me okay! I can’t even take a shower because I can’t use my poncy ripoff shower gel because now it’s a symbol of our love alright! Do you have that with Adam? No, didn’t think so! You got drunk once during your break up Plot. What kind of commitment is that? I’ve gotten drunk multiple times now over Aaron! I am fully in on this wallowing thing! You couldn’t even stick with your own Plot long enough to be truly upset about it because you had to come and interfere with mine! And here you are, still interfering! Oh and, just to add, it’s entirely different because you ended things in the end, not him. He wants you back. I would give anything for Aaron to want me right now! #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: I take it back. Everything is your fault. If you didn’t get caught up in this Plot, it wouldn’t have overshadowed mine and I wouldn’t have gotten Plot Brain and forgotten all about it so I could obsess over your unborn child! You’re just too selfish and have to make everything about you...

ROBERT: Self-serving from birth Vic! #StillBitter *Plays Air Guitar* *Likes Classic Rock, not just Taylor Swift and Cher* *Drunk Dances* - I can’t get no sat-is-fac-tion without Aaron! -

VICTORIA: *Leaves*

ROBERT: *Great now I’m alone again Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet *Sees World’s Best Husband Mug* Nope. We’re not back together yet. And this mug was supposed to be for me. Thanks for that bit of irony Plot! Actually, you know what? This is what I think of your irony! *Smashes the mug against the wall* And I’m not even gonna clean it up! Instead, I’m going to go up the Spiral Staircase of Doom! I’ve shown I can walk down it by myself, but going up is a different story. I’ve only done that with Aaron and since Aaron isn’t here…. *Slips on a step* *Ryan’s stunt double takes a great fall* (RYAN: *Massive grin* Thanks stunt double! My dodgy knee totally would not have been able to handle that!) *Foot gets stuck* *Writhes on the floor yelling with the tummy showing* (FANDOM: You know...if we ignore the context and pretend Aaron is just out of frame…and Robert is getting his ‘satisfaction’ … #LeaveUsToOurDelusions)

[Outside the Mill with Victoria and Charity]

VICTORIA: Why are you not at the pub?

CHARITY: Because I’m finally going to get those Plot Keys from your pathetic brother!

VICTORIA: And Plot Keys are more important than running your actual business?

*Robert yells in his Plot Voice*

CHARITY: Shush!

VICTORIA: Don’t shush me!

CHARITY: No, really, listen. I think I hear the Plot?

*Robert yells again in his Plot Voice*

[The Mill of Misery with Robert, Victoria, Charity and the Spiral Staircase from Hell]

ROBERT: *Extra Mode Activated* Help me! I’m dying! My leg is caught and I’ll never be free!

VICTORIA: *Goes to help*

CHARITY: *Laughs her head off*

ROBERT: It’s not funny! Aaron will never want me like this!

CHARITY: Oh Robert it is! You’re the comedy relief in this episode okay. Rhona’s trial is really tough on the audience and they needed something to laugh at and you’re it babe! How did this even happen?

ROBERT: I slipped! Obviously! And now my foot is stuck and my life is over…

VICTORIA: I think if I just move it like… *Rips foot out*

ROBERT: AHHHHHHH *Extra Extra Mode Activated* *Leans against radiator* (FANDOM: Remember that time…) YOU’VE BROKEN MY ANKLE! THIS IS THE WORST INJURY EVER! I’M OBVIOUSLY DYING! HOW COULD YOU HAVE DONE THIS TO ME!!!

VICTORIA: Well, at least it’s out now...thanks to me. I have served my Plotly duty! Now I’m just going to laugh at your misfortune. You did tell Diane you wanted a comedy Plot.

CHARITY: Yeah, your life is hardly over. There’s not even any bone gruesomely sticking out! The fans were hoping you’d be on death’s door when they first heard about this! I hope they’re not disappointed. (FANDOM: We got to see his stomach...we’re good...and easily pleased. We have to be at this point. #LowExpectations)

ROBERT: *Extra Extra Mode Still Activated* IT REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY HURTS!!!

VICTORIA AND CHARITY: *Laughing*

ROBERT: STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!! - It’s one thing for the fans to laugh. I want them to be as happy as they can be with all of this but - SHUT UP YOU SHRIEKING MONKEYS!!! - Speaking of monkeys...remember how there’s that sculpture of me as monkey on the shelf over there? They wouldn’t have bothered with that if they weren’t going to fix this eventually right? - #AreWeBackTogetherYet

CHARITY: Oh hey, look! It’s my Plot keys. Now I get why I needed to come here to get them. I needed to have this laugh. Thanks for the entertainment Robert!

ROBERT: GET OUT!

VICTORIA: *Mocks his poorly ankle*

ROBERT: GET OUT AND LET ME WALLOW IN MISERY AND PAIN! Actually...Charity...hang on…

CHARITY: No.

ROBERT: But...did you see my #BeautifulNotHusband Aaron...cause in case you didn’t hear when I was shouting it in the pub earlier, he’s everything to me and I need constant updates on his existence...it’s vital to my very soul…

CHARITY: Yeah...not gonna tell you. I will tell everyone about this though...probably including Aaron. If you’re really lucky, maybe Maxine will slip a callback about it into a future episode when you’re back together...kind of like the tree. *Leaves*

ROBERT: *I hope so Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet #ThisPlotIsTheWorst

[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Rebecca]

ROBERT: *Hobbles*

REBECCA: *Arrives showing off her mini skirt and fucking heels* #ThisIsNotAMaternityWardrobe #LetTheTheoryLive #StopMakingItSoEasy

ROBERT: *Oh great Face* Did Vic send you to gloat?

REBECCA: No, I sent myself because I totally have agency and make my own decisions all the time. I also wanted to tell you that you’re a selfish asshole.

ROBERT: Right...cheers for that. Never heard that one before.

REBECCA: I’ve taken my fair share of the blame for what we did Robert–

ROBERT: Really? Was I in that episode? Because I don’t remember that at all. (FANDOM: Neither do we!)

REBECCA: Yeah, well it’s this new thing I’m trying. The Plot thought it could just slip it in there and everyone would just think that I’ve been saying it all along.

ROBERT: The fans are not fooled by your ever changing personality.

REBECCA: Look, I’m like a sample platter, something for everyone. Eventually, I hope the Plot will make a decision. Though if the Plot is anything like me, stand by for my next twenty personality transplants. But anyway, back to my tirade. You were there for the Incident too! You’ve cheated on every person you’ve ever been with. Aaron was supposed to be your exception until the Plot got greedy. Chrissie and I didn’t ruin your life Robert, your past character history did! If anything, you ruined our lives. I mean, definitely Chrissie’s, that one is totally valid.

ROBERT: *I’m in lots of pain mostly due to my broken heart but also my leg Face*

REBECCA: What? What is this? And no, I’m not talking about my acting, I’m talking about your leg…

ROBERT: I think I broke my ankle. It’s literally the worst injury in the world.

REBECCA: Well, the Plot brought me here for a reason so it must be to take you to the hospital.

ROBERT: Are you not going to help me?

REBECCA: I’m done being your crutch Robert. See look, you’re drunk and sad and I’m not sleeping with you. I hope that means #CharacterGrowth Anyway, here’s an umbrella to use. You can pretend you’re a Kingsman.

ROBERT: *Catches Umbrella* I do like pretending to be a spy.

[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Rebecca]

ROBERT: *Hobbles in on a crutch* (RYAN: This is actually the one from my knee surgery. They just kept it around for this)

REBECCA: Your home is gross so I’m going to go now. Good luck with your slightly twisted ankle. I’m so glad we didn’t see a medical professional on screen. That would have looked really bad if we had seen one for your stupid ankle when we’ve never seen one for my pregnancy Plot.

ROBERT: *Cries* (RYAN: Okay, I did the whole pinching the bridge of my nose thing like Danny and I made a snuffling noise. I’m trying…)

REBECCA: *Oh I see, the Plot wants me to have sympathy for you Face* - that’s certainly a change, just like my personality -

REBECCA: *Gets Robert a glass of water like she should have done that night* *Sets it down on top of a book with ‘Shame’ in the title*

ROBERT: I wasn’t expecting you to try and sober me up. Didn’t think that was your MO.

REBECCA: Sample platter remember. My personality is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re going to get. Besides, now I get to watch you be in pain. If I really were a #BlackWidow this would be my jam!

ROBERT: Well since you’re not a #BlackWidow yet, let me apologize for everything the Plot has had me do to you, whether it was in character or not. Neither one of us wanted this Plot and I’m sorry I’ve been vile to you, like Vic said when she and the Plot set this apology in motion earlier. So...I’m really sorry...probably...I heard somethings about potential revenge in the future, but you didn’t hear that.

REBECCA: Obviously. Anyway, I knew this apology was coming. That’s why I took you to the hospital and back. #AnythingForThePlot

ROBERT: I miss him (FANDOM: Whyyyyyy?! Are they back together yet?)

REBECCA: Obviously. You’re the loves of each other’s lives. The Plot has said so numerous times even if I’ve mostly ignored it.

ROBERT: For two minutes I had it all. Then he got sent to prison and this whole Hell Plot started.

REBECCA: You’re lucky, I never even had two minutes. - Take of that what you will. I’m sure the Tinfoil Fandom is having fun with that one. - (TINFOIL FANDOM: Two minutes until Robert passed out and you didn’t have sex after all and this baby is not happening or not Robert’s? #LetTheTheoryLive) Why would the Plot have you move back in here just so you can move out again next week?

ROBERT: So I could have this breakdown and say all of these quotable lines and make my fans happy. I miss being near him. I thought moving back in here would help me be nearer but it hasn’t. It just feels empty, sort of like sex with you. Now I feel empty...because as I said, Aaron is everything. He’s my whole life.

REBECCA: This Plot is messed up.

ROBERT: Yeah...it is. But thanks...for being a mate.

REBECCA: Who said we were mates? The fans still really don’t want it. But yeah...we should have stayed just mates instead of sleeping together. #ThisPlotIsTheWorst

Chapter Text

26 July 2017

[The Cafe with Robert and Victoria]

ROBERT: *Hobbles* *sits awkwardly with his crutch* *would rather have Aaron propping him up than any crutch* - why do I always hurt my ankle when he’s not around?

VICTORIA: So, I heard from Rebecca, who I live with, because I’m way more invested in her than you usually, that you were extra pitiful yesterday after I left you in pain to facilitate that apology you gave her.

ROBERT: Didn’t I explain yesterday that Rebecca doesn’t matter? You know who does matter? Aaron. So, I’ll forgive you for mentioning her if you do me a favor. The Mill is a disaster because I’ve been too heartbroken to do even the most basic of chores like throw out a pizza. I’ve just been laying there in my sweatpants reading The Shame Well, which is actually my life story. Anyway, I could really use your help cleaning everything up before Aaron gets back. If he comes back to the current state of the flat, I definitely don’t stand a chance. I even showered today. I still couldn’t use my shower gel, but I used Aaron’s to feel closer to him and because it’s marginally less symbolic. I still couldn’t bring myself to style it though so I still have #SadHair #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: You really can’t ask for help like a normal person can you?

ROBERT: Of course not. That’s doesn’t fall under self-serving and manipulative does it? So it’s not in my nature. Has nothing to do with the fact that I have major insecurities myself and probably don’t feel like I deserve help without it being something that someone owes me for something I’ve done in return.

VICTORIA: Fine, do you need me to get some shopping in for you too?

ROBERT: Yes, please. I’ve missed Aaron too much to be able to do anything more than pick up the phone, will myself to pass over Aaron’s name in my contacts, and order takeout for two so I can make myself even more heartbroken staring at an uneaten meal all evening.

[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Victoria]

*Sugden Siblings Cleaning*

VICTORIA: Would you let me psychoanalyze you?

ROBERT: *Limping* (RYAN: Thank god it’s actually in the script this time!) Sure, why not. I mean the Plot doesn’t have a clue what all of my issues are unless Maxine is writing my lines, so this oughta be good. Might cheer me up!

VICTORIA: Oh, so you do need cheering up then. I mean, I probably should have known that already, probably about three months ago, or maybe even the night of the Incident, but I’ve been a bit preoccupied. It’s okay that you miss him, Rob. I mean, I totally miss Adam.

ROBERT: *Yeah right Face* Let’s not get into #HusbandDiscourse again Vic. I’m always going to win because *Boromir Voie* One does not simply get over losing Aaron Dingle.

VICTORIA: Whatever you say Robert. I get it. I’m not even invested enough in missing Adam to have ever brought it up until the last two days now that he’s more involved in the Plot since Aaron has no other support system. What I really wanted to say was an analogy about you trying to tidy the flat instead of tidying your super codependent mind.

ROBERT: Great, make light of my soul crushing heartache. I can’t even go on…

VICTORIA: So talk to me about it.

ROBERT: I can’t!

VICTORIA: Why?

ROBERT: Well I’ve developed an allergy to #ActualConversation since every time I tried to have one with Aaron, really awful stuff happened. Also...because Plot. Though there’s definitely a whole heap of unresolved issues I should be discussing with you...or like an actual therapist. But anyway, all those awful things that happened with Aaron after we tried to talk are all my fault. Everything is my fault and I’ll always think that because that’s what everyone tells me all the time. I mean, usually it is, but if I had the energy to do some research into mental health issues and self harm, I’d probably understand that I’m not responsible for his coping mechanisms, but it is not this day! - wow, two Lord of the Rings references. I’m doing well today. - But Aaron had come so far and then the Plot had to go and ruin everything and now he’s run off to Ireland to hang out with a Plot Device. I mean Sandra, not Adam...well maybe...I think.

VICTORIA: Maybe you should call him. I mean, what if he’s in as pitiful state as you and is actually waiting by the phone for you to call.

ROBERT: Nah, the Plot isn’t that nice to me. I have to let him deal with everything on his own terms and stay out of it for now. Of course, I reserve the right to go back on everything I just said the moment he comes home. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

Chapter Text

28 July 2017

[The Woolpack with Robert, Propbecca and Adam]

ROBERT: Blah blah blah this scene is so irrelevant that we didn’t even come in on the beginning of our conversation because it literally doesn’t matter. However, I’m taking painkillers for my slightly twisted ankle and I clearly thought you should know since it was your Plotly duty to come and take me to hospital. It’s only fair I keep you updated on my condition. Thanks for nodding and playing along. You’re clearly only in this scene so that I can be seen with you, which will bring me no end of grief, because that’s just how this Hell Plot works. I mean it would probably be nice if I was taking steps to confront this pregnancy thing or the fact that I’m going to be a father, but that’s clearly not a thing so really you’re just a sounding board because I have no one else to talk to and you’re in this Plot and convenient. Plus it makes me look like the bad guy because I’m making nice with the Plot Device that drove a wedge between Aaron and I in the first place. Nevermind, again, that you’re the supposed mother of my child and we should be trying to at least be civil toward each other. Again, though, not a thing, so here we are…

PROPBECCA: *Nods*

*Adam enters*

ROBERT: Hey, I haven’t seen you in two weeks and you’ve literally just walked in the door, but how come you’re not at work? You know, that business that is part Aaron’s so I’m invested in it quite literally, for Aaron’s sake?

ADAM: Nice to see you too Robert...actually it’s not because while I was sympathetic toward you while you were still with Aaron, now that you’re not I can go back to hating you. That was way more fun. I might be a hypocrite but Aaron’s my best mate and I will always do right by him...when the Plot allows. Gonna go help my mum now...be back in a bit for another chat. Umm...excuse me...carrying heavy boxes here…

PROPBECCA: *moves out of the way* *Blinks*

ROBERT: *Jaw clench* #ThisPlotIsExhausting - no wonder I need a crutch - #AreWeBackTogetherYet

*Some other stuff happens like Chrissie trying to make out with her uncle...um what?! And Laurel being awesome and the tension as we await for the verdict in Rhona’s trial (Yay guilty verdict!) oh and COIRA!!! Anyway, it gives Propbecca enough time to exit the scene without ever saying any lines* #LetTheTheoryLive

ADAM: *Finishes pint* So Robert, what’s up. I see you were with Rebecca earlier. Nice of her to sit in for that scene so I can give you shit about it. You sleeping with her again? Why couldn’t you just be friends like everyone wanted?

ROBERT: Just get off my case Adam! I tried, okay, it was going fine until the Plot had other ideas. I thought it worked better too.

ADAM: No chance. I get way too much pleasure out of mocking you. Anyway, I’m omniscient and know that you’re still living at the Mill of Misery and you need to get out cause Aaron is coming home tomorrow.

ROBERT: Wait...really...Aaron...AARON!!! *Comes back to life like Mushu in Mulan* What did he say? Did he say anything about me? Remember the other day when I was super chill and was all like ‘Aaron needs space and I respect that’ well….AARON! AARON!! AARON?!?! #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ADAM: Um...calm down! He didn’t say anything about you, because his Plot is not about you right now...at least not for the next couple of weeks. So...get out of his flat. Maybe if you had paid for it with all that money you tried to burn, you wouldn’t be getting kicked out. But..well.. You are. It’s for the best.

*Adam leaves*

ROBERT: *Internal monologue is on Aaron overdrive* *Wild wide eyed Face* *Must get back to the flat and prepare for Aaron’s arrival Face* *Grabs crutch and hurries out* (ME: I would just like to say that autocorrect wanted me to say ‘grabs crotch’. Just wanted to throw that out there.) #AreWeBackTogetherYet #HopeIsADangerousThing

Chapter Text

31 July 2017

[Outside The Shop with Robert, Rebecca, Adam and Adam’s insane helmet hair]

ROBERT: *Hobble Hobble*

REBECCA: Hey Rob! It’s only the next day for us but the audience have had a weekend between episodes so…

ROBERT: What’s a weekend? Sorry sorry...been watching those Downton box sets again...carry on.

REBECCA: I just wanted to ask where your crutch is because the audience might have forgotten you had one and that you fell down the stairs. (EMILY: And besides you limp normally. People need to remember that this is different.)

ROBERT: Oh you know, people were mocking me for it and even though I don’t want anyone to know that I care what people think, I do so I ditched it.

REBECCA: I’ve noticed you’re a bit touchy? Why is that? Why does it feel like I’m just quizzing you so that the audience will know what you’re up to?

ROBERT: Probably cause you are? That’s the main reason why you’re in this scene, apart from us always needing to be seen together by someone to make my life more miserable. #ThisPlotSucks Anyway, to remind the audience, Aaron is coming home today.

REBECCA: And?

ROBERT: And...well Adam told me to move out of the flat yesterday but that means Aaron knows I’m still there and he hasn’t personally asked me to leave so that must mean everything’s gonna be totally fine.

REBECCA: Now that we got the recap of ‘Last Week on Emmerdale’ out of the way, what’s the plan?

ROBERT: Not done with the recap just yet. So last week I understood that Aaron needed space, but today I’ve decided a take away and some beers and a good old fashioned sofa snuggle while we watch a film is exactly what will make everything better. But...no pressure you know.

*Adam pulls up on the quad* - the Plot’s way of reminding us of better Bartsy days? -

REBECCA: Oh, well Adam is here and he’s seen us together so I can go now, but I’ll probably see you later. I’ve got my finger’s crossed for you though, because now that your marriage is over, I’m weirdly rooting for you!

ADAM: *Bad helmet hair flops in the wind* You still haven’t moved out yet.

ROBERT: We already established that. If you’re not gonna add to the scene, why are you here?

ADAM: Screen time? But no, really, do everyone a favor so we don’t have to go through this Plot Point again, and move out.

ROBERT: *I’ll repeat as many Plot Points as I damn well please Face*

[The Woolpack with Adam, Victoria, Robert, Aaron and...well...Rebecca]

ADAM: Time to set up Robert’s further heartbreak. This is fun. I can’t believe he still thinks he has a shot!

REBECCA: He cares about him! I know because we had several scenes about this in the past two weeks while you were away.

ADAM: Why are you here again?

REBECCA: Contractual obligations? Maybe?

ADAM: Well, fine, but get the memo. Robert Sugden is a self serving person and has been from birth. He only cares about himself. If he cared about Aaron, he’d give him space like he asked, let him have his own Plot for a while because this one has put him through enough.

VICTORIA: Well, I guess I can actually be a good sister and talk to my brother and try and make him see sense. - Look I’m trying to be a reasonable character and notice I haven’t mentioned the ‘B’ word at all...and neither has anyone else for that matter...curious. Isn’t that why this all happened in the first place?!? -

*Robert enters*

ADAM: Robert! Right on cue! (ACTOR ADAM: Ryan! This is exactly why you were nominated for that TV Choice Award!)

ROBERT: Oh look, all the people tangentially related to this Plot in one place. This must mean I’ve walked into an important scene. I still haven’t moved out of the flat, are we gonna talk about that some more?

VICTORIA: Actually your timing isn’t all that great.

ROBERT: Well I don’t want to talk about it all anyway. I just wanted to see if my Bourne box set is here because if anything is going to cheer Aaron up, it’s watching Matt Damon and Jason Fucking Bourne being awesome. It’s his favorite. I know that cause he’s everything to me.

ADAM: Seriously? You think that empty gesture is going to change anything? I just don’t get the allure of Matt Damon?! Look, you screwed everything up in this Plot, deal with it!

ROBERT: Oh what? Like you did with Vic? We’re both the bad guys in our own Plots Adam! Deal with it!

ADAM: Look, everyone else has forgotten about my Plot, why would you bring it up?

VICTORIA: Adam I referenced it last week okay!

ROBERT: Oh, is your non existent Plot not going well? Is that why you’ve inserted yourself into mine?

ADAM: *Hurts Robert* Look, Aaron is my best mate. The audience has forgotten that a bit since we’ve hardly had any scenes together until recently. I’ve only got like another six months left to make sure they really care about our bond so when it’s ripped away when I leave, they feel extra emotional about it. So, I’m going to get all threateny with you. Move out of Aaron’s flat or else–

AARON: *Enters at the opportune moment* Or else what? (DANNY: Oh what, did you think Ryan was the only one with impeccable timing? I’m up for a TV Choice Award too!)

ADAM: *Aaron I got this Face*

ROBERT: *Brain short circuits* *AARON AARON AARON Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Aaron, Adam, Victoria and Propbecca]

ROBERT: I was just planning a night in to cuddle on the sofa and watch Jason Fucking Bourne. Wanted to make you feel at home.

AARON: In my home...that I already kicked you out of?

ADAM: Yeah somehow he missed that Plot Point Aaron, but really, I’ve got this…

ROBERT: Look I know, but you were off screen for two weeks and the audience might have forgotten that so, we need to have this establishing episode where we basically go through everything one final time so I can probably be more heartbroken and everyone can catch up. But in those two weeks Aaron, I missed you so much. You’re all I’ve thought about. Ask anyone! I’ve been a total disaster. Anyway, the fans and I were hoping that maybe you’ve been feeling the same way?

AARON: Hmm...yeah...I’m moving away from this Plot and into my own Plot that involves boxing of all things so...I need to keep my distance. Why would I think about you and this Plot when I’ve just gotten out?

ROBERT: Because Aaron...this is us remember? Team Aaron and Robert?! The fans still want it. It’s all they ask about. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: Robert maybe this isn’t the best time. Try ignoring your relationship problems like me!

ADAM: Yeah, works so much better!

ROBERT: All I’m asking for is a chance Aaron!

AARON: *Trying to remain chill Face*

PROPBECCA: *Exists*

ROBERT: Aaron we all hate this Plot but surely they wouldn’t have broken us up without hope of rebuilding us? I know we can work this out!

AARON: *Trying to remain chill Face* *Slides gaze over Robert’s shoulder*

PROPBECCA: *Exists* *Blink Blink Blink*

AARON: *Oh ffs she’s still here Face* *Yep she and that thing we’re all not talking about that supposedly this Plot is about are still a problem Face* Nope. It’s too late for that. (FANDOM: WHYYYYYY???!!!!)

ROBERT: *Heartbroken Face*

[The Mill of Misery with Robert and Victoria]

ROBERT: *Sorting laundry and wishing he could be doing this kind of boring domestic activity with Aaron*

VICTORIA: *Enters* Hey Rob, need some help dealing with the soul crushing end of your marriage that was never legal in the first place?

ROBERT: Adam sent you to make sure I actually left this time so we don’t have to redo this Plot Point again?

VICTORIA: No, we’ve established that I’m ignoring Adam and that Plot. I came to check up on yours and you know...you…

ROBERT: Well...I didn’t plan on having my heart to heart with Aaron in the pub, but if we’d had it here then it would have made way less sense for Rebecca to just randomly be there as a prop. But hey at least I and the audience knows where I stand...again.

VICTORIA: So...where you going to go?

ROBERT: Well Diane offered me a room and since I can’t stand Doug and his prized marrow, I’ve picked the B&B where I can at least minimize my Doug interaction.

VICTORIA: You could always move in with me!

ROBERT: And...Rebecca? Really? #WhatEvenIsThisPlot

VICTORIA: Relax, it was just a test to prove to the fans that you haven’t given up all hope for reuniting with Aaron one day when the Plot allows!

ROBERT: I’m sorry, did you miss the last two weeks of my wallowing? Look, I know I messed up and I don’t deserve to be happy after what I did (FANDOM: NOOOOO Robert stop! Yes you do! Someone give him a hug!) The truth is, and I know this shocks absolutely no one, I still love him.

VICTORIA: Give him time. I’m sure the Plot will put you back together again soon.

ROBERT: No...the Plot had us break up like nine times in the course of three weeks. That’s a record even for us. I’m pretty sure it’s over.

[The Mill of Misery with Aaron and Robert]

ROBERT: *Now that I’m sober I can totally handle these stairs Face* *Heartbroken Face*

AARON: *Enters* *slams door to announce presence just in case*

ROBERT: *Sad voice* Don’t worry, I’m leaving and taking my Hell Plot with me. Oh and there’s some beers in our alcohol fridge that I won’t get to enjoy anymore. And there’s some take away that I’d thought we could heat up but nothing matters anymore. #ThisPlotRuinedMyLife

AARON: *Avoids eye contact* Right...thanks *Tries to remain chill*

ROBERT: Right, I just have to try this one more time. I mean what I said when I was publicly losing my dignity in the pub and begging you to take me back. I really did miss you. I didn’t even shower for days!

AARON: That’s not endearing at all Robert. Look, let’s not rehash this Plot Point yet again. The audience get it now, you’re moving out.

ROBERT: *Voice breaking* For what it’s worth...I’m really sorry this Plot exists.

AARON: Yeah...me too *walks to kitchen*

ROBERT: *Please don’t leave me Face*

AARON: *Deep breath* *Trying to remain chill* *Gets beer*

ROBERT: *Resigned to my miserable fate...I wonder how I can make this worse the rest of the week and next because I definitely haven’t hit rock bottom yet Face* *Sadly leaves the house that should have been his home*

AARON: *Trying to remain chill* *Deep breath* *Goes to drink beer* *Nope can’t even do it Face* *Screw it, no one can see me now Face* *Drowns heartbreak with Robert’s beer* (FANDOM: Can we have some of that?)

Chapter Text

1 August 2017

[Outside The Cafe with Robert and Victoria with background cameos from Aaron and Adam]

ROBERT: So...my life post Aaron is really sad. I’m stuck in a room with no natural light and the fans love my face in natural light. Boxes would be insulted by this box room.

VICTORIA: *Enjoying the end of my brother’s marriage far too much Face*

ROBERT: Oh and I have to deal with Eric Pollard! *Does a bang on impression of Pollard* #GetThisManAComedyPlot

*Aaron and Adam are walking by at the speed of the Plot*

VICTORIA: The Plot would like me to remind you that staying at the B&B is going to cost you a fortune.

ROBERT: And apparently the Plot would like me to forget that I have a small fortune in the bank. You’re right, the B&B is not cheap. I didn’t really sleep either. I don’t do well when I’m not cuddled up with Aaron. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: Yeah...break ups are so hard...I mean look at me, I’m clearly suffering over Adam...really...I swear

ROBERT: Yeah...that’s not convincing at all. Me on the other hand...I’m actually suffering. I just have to figure out what the Plot wants me to do now.

*Aaron and Adam are still walking by at the speed of the Plot*

VICTORIA: Well it’s obvious! You should totally move in with us, that’s right, me and Rebecca, the woman you slept with and knocked up to create this impossible situation that caused this whole break up in the first place!

ROBERT: *Eyes wide* *But Aaron’s within earshot Face* Vic!

VICTORIA: *Looks over and sees Aaron and Adam finally heading into the cafe* So what?! Can’t imagine why what I’ve said is possibly a problem?!

ROBERT: Are you kidding me? That’s hardly the most sensitive thing for him to hear! He’s been a victim to this Plot long enough, let’s not make him suffer more.

VICTORIA: If anyone’s been a victim to this Plot it’s me! That’s actually what Vic is short for these days, ‘Victim’ not ‘Victoria’. I mean, apparently, I “Captain of your Ship” as the fans say, don’t care anymore, cause you’re over, right? Now none of that matters. We can just put him in a box with Adam and forget they both exist.

ROBERT: This would be me effectively moving in with Rebecca, who as you pointed out is the entire reason that this depressing stage of the Plot exists...well her and a whole bunch of unresolved issues from before we even got together properly that we never dealt with because we rushed into things even though we were ‘taking it slow’. But I digress. Me moving in with HER is probably going to make him spiral more! I don’t want to be responsible for anymore of his pain via the Plot. Like I said, he’s been through enough. So what then?!

VICTIM: Well there are lots of other people who can deal with that now. He’s got that husband of mine I pretend to care about when you’re sad about yours and you know sometimes his family actually remember he exists. Robert, Robert, Robert, I thought you got the memo that you’re self serving. You’re really dropping the ball on that character trait you’ve had since birth with this whole ‘caring’ act of yours. Get with the program! Drink the Kool-Aid! I did. It was great...it was Plot flavored.

ROBERT: *What has the Plot done to you Face*

[The Cafe with Robert, Victim, Aaron and Adam]

ADAM: Cheers Bob! *Grabs coffee*

BOB: No! Come back! I want to be in Plotdale again!

*Aaron and Adam walking out as Robert and Victim are walking in*

ROBERT: *Hobble Hobble Hobble* Aaron! You were in convenient earshot while Vic and I were discussing the Plot.

AARON: *I’m deaf to your Plot now I’ve got my own Face*

ADAM: What he said with his scowly face thing! We’ve got better things to be doing than listening to you go on about your Plot!

ROBERT: Yeah, but the Plot wants us to discuss this, I’m sure of it.

AARON: Well go on then, for old time’s sake.

ROBERT: I just wanted to let you know that I would never ever ever move in with Rebecca. Not even for the Plot. #PlotResistance

AARON: *Walls Up* Why do I care where the Plot wants you to live Robert? You need somewhere to go and Vic’s is convenient. I notice the Plot has forgotten all about your secret money again. Funny that. Come on Ad, we should get back to our Plot.

ROBERT: Adam wait! I don’t care what Vic or that other guy says, I don’t want to be self serving. I’m still going to care more about Aaron’s happiness and well being than my own for as long as the Plot will allow it. So...he’s gonna be alright, yeah?

ADAM: Of course, I’m an awesome Aaron Sitter. It’s what best mates are for and he’s got me for another six months. Man, I really hope this Plot is over by then… #Relatable

*Adam leaves*

ROBERT: *I hate this Plot Face*

VICTIM: Seems like a green light to me to move in with me and the Problem!

ROBERT: Yeah...it did. Damn… *I fucking hate this Plot Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Adam and Charity]

AARON: You’re really bringing this up again? You were the one going on yesterday about everyone repeating Plot Points.

ADAM: Yeah, well you’ve not said anything all morning...cause, you know, normally you’re a real chatterbox.

AARON: There’s nothing to say mate. It’s Plot. It is what it is. Obviously since the Plot forgot about his money again, he can’t stay at the B&B forever. He also can’t get a new place since he has to stay in the village so we can keep having awkward run ins. So Plot logic says that he has to move in with Vic. I’m sure there’s some extra bit of Plot that will come later that this is all a setup for.

ADAM: And you’re okay with that? Him...moving in with Rebecca? Cause none of this makes sense Bro!

AARON: Look, Ad, I’m trying really hard not to care okay. Detachment is key. If I pretend not to care, it can’t hurt me. So, I don’t care either way. Honestly! You’re taking this whole thing harder than I am!

ADAM: *Me and the fans Face* The fans and I just want to know you’re alright.

AARON: You mean am I going to hurt myself? No, I’m not. I know it’s what the Plot always reverts back to but I think, maybe, it might actually get a little better this time. But if it makes you and the fans feel better, let me just establish that I still have that counselor and I’ll talk to her. Now...shut up about Robert’s Plot already.

ADAM: Sorry, no more Hell Plot Talk.

AARON: You want another beer before I run off shiftily.

ADAM: Sorry, where are you going?

AARON: Well Uncle Zak finally remembered I existed so I’m going to go meet him. Business stuff. We’ll probably have a catch up considering I haven’t seen him since my wedding.

ADAM: Yeah go on...get another round in.

AARON: Charity! Get Adam a half pint and I’ll have an orange juice.

CHARITY: I’m sorry, what? Who are you and what did the Plot do with Aaron Dingle?

ADAM: Yeah that’s what I’ve been wondering…

AARON: *Nope not letting my chill exterior crumble yet Face*

[Outside The Cafe with Adam, Pete, Belle and Bob...oh and Rebecca blinking in the foreground]

PETE: My mum hates everyone and is going to flip out when she hears I’m engaged to Leyla.

ADAM: Yeah your mum is kind of a nutjob, but hey thanks for confiding in me. Now that Aaron needs me for his Plot, I get to have screen time with other characters too since I’m already in the episode. It’s pretty great. Anyway, you’ve got time to figure out how to tell her haven’t you? Isn’t she off communing with god or summat?

BELLE: Hi I’m taking my turn as a Plot Device today and I wanted to let you and anyone who happens to be listening that I saw Emma go into Laurel’s earlier.

BOB: *Ooh you mentioned the Plot I’m in Face*

ADAM: Oh well you better figure out how to tell her quick then...or you could avoid your Plot and come hang out with me and Aaron...if I knew where he was that is? I’m failing at being an Aaron Sitter already. Hey Belle, wanna help me with my Plot too?

BELLE: Yeah, but first, can I have a tea Bob?

BOB: Sure, but first I have to run off and deal with my Plot which sucks because I was almost close to being relevant in this Plotdale.

BELLE: Oh...well okay. So, yeah Adam, I saw Aaron up at Wishing Well but well I didn’t pay much attention. Don’t want to get involved in anyone else’s Plot in a serious way. I’ve got enough problems of my own since my Plot decided that I should try and have a relationship with Lachlan of all people. Ugh. #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise

ADAM: *Looks up ‘Aaron Sitting for Dummies’ on his phone* *I used to be better at this Face*

[Home Farm with Lawrence and Rebecca]

*Blah Blah Blah Lawrence is a lying liar who lies and can’t tell the truth to save his life or his relationship so Ronnie left him. If you missed it cause you only watch Robron scenes, just go back and watch the scene where Aaron leaves for Ireland because that’s basically what the Lawrence and Ronnie break up scene was like...except with white hair and more yelling*

REBECCA: The best piece of advice you ever gave me, dad, was to never give up and never stop fighting. It’s why I kept trying my hardest to break up Robert and Aaron cause I wanted Robert back for myself, despite the fact that he apparently used me multiple times. Of course now that I’ve succeeded the Plot won’t let me be happy about it. The thoughts the Plot puts it my head are really confusing sometimes.

*Blah Blah Blah to continue the Lawrence and Robert comparison, Lawrence then proceeds to go do some heartbroken dancing, which results in injury and a trip to the hospital #Dejavu*

[Wishing Well with Adam, Zak and Sweaty Boxing Aaron]

ADAM: *To Aaron’s voicemail* Come on Aaron! I need my drinking buddy! What’s the point of this Plot if it’s not to hang out all the time? *Hears sounds coming from the barn he’s conveniently standing next to* *Goes inside to see Sweaty Boxing Aaron* *Less appreciative than the fans* (FANDOM: And oh do we appreciate!)

SWEATY BOXING AARON: *Punch Punch Punch*

ZAK: Hey we need to ease up, lad!

SWEATY BOXING AARON: *Punch Punch Punch* - If I ease up I might lose my chill. Can’t have that. Robert is moving in with Rebecca for Plot reasons and I have some aggression to work out - *Punch Punch Punch*

ZAK: You need to ease up so you can have a chat with Adam.

SWEATY BOXING AARON: *Punch...punch……...punch*

ZAK: Nothing wrong with–

SWEATY BOXING AARON: *Punch*

ZAK: *Gets hit by bag* –letting off a bit of steam!

ADAM: *What Plot did I walk in on Face*

SWEATY BOXING AARON: As far as I can tell, it’s a boxing Plot. I mean, I know there were sources that said it had never been done before and I totally had a punch bag in the garage the first time I had a Self Harming Plot, but maybe there’s something we’re missing.

ADAM: You sure this isn’t just another way of self harming? I mean, the second time you had one of these Plots it was running? So...you never know.

SWEATY BOXING AARON: I feel pretty confident that I’m gonna be fine. I mean *Punch* I can’t stop *Punch* punching this bag even though I’m having a conversation with you *Punch* so I could be wrong but *Punch* for now *Punch* I’m just imagining that this *Punch* is *Punch* Plotbert *Punch* and Plotbecca *Punch* and their whole stupid Plot *Punch* that I’m thankful *Punch* that I’m not a part of anymore *Punch* So stop worrying.

ADAM: *Worrying*

Chapter Text

2 August 2017

[Wishing Well with Sweaty Boxing Aaron, Zak and Adam]

SWEATY BOXING AARON: *Punch Punch Punch* Not sure if this Plot of mine has any actual purpose but damn I look good doing it. (FANDOM: We agree! *Heart Eyes*)

ZAK: Come on son! Give me all you’ve got, I might forget you exist again for another five months after this!

ADAM: Don’t forget to give me some too Aaron! I matter! But also...don’t push yourself too hard.

ZAK: *Throws a really slow punch that Aaron would totally be able to avoid if not for the Plot*

ADAM: Zak! Plot! Why do we need to hurt Aaron more?!

ZAK: He’s fine! You’re fine right?

SWEATY BOXING AARON: Yep, all good here. Let me just catch my breath for a moment and then I’ll go back to looking good for the fans. (FANDOM: We appreciate your commitment!)

ADAM: Look, I’m taking my Aaron Sitting duties really seriously alright? I’m overcompensating because I’m not gonna be around for much longer. So...you’re working him too hard.

SWEATY BOXING AARON: Shut up Adam! I’m letting you be part of my Plot to give you screen time before you go, now just stand there and look pretty while I carry on.

ZAK: Hey you just lost your first fight to a pensioner even if it was just for Plot purposes!

SWEATY BOXING AARON: *Laughs* *Smiles* (FANDOM: Look at him! *Heart Eyes*)

ADAM: Look at him! *Heart Eyes*

[Hotten General with Rebecca and Lawrence]

*Blah Blah Blah Lawrence is in hospital so that he can almost die yet another time before he eventually finally goes...we hope...we’ve been promised...it’s only a matter of time*

REBECCA: No Dad! You can’t die! We have so many things to do together yet! Like raise your grandchi– Oh wait, sorry, I got caught up in logic there for a second. My mistake. What I really meant to say was, we have to go to Vegas! Yep...Vegas. Cause I’m suddenly super sentimental about Vegas. Remember that one time I was sneaking around with Robert to plan a surprise trip to Vegas for Aaron for his birthday? Those were the days. (FANDOM: Actually, compared to now, those were the days…#WhatHaveWeBecome) Actually the whole reason I was able to get them a deal was because I’ve been secretly planning our trip to Vegas for years and years. But since Robert and Aaron basically imploded in part because of me right before they were due to go, I took their cancellation and turned it into a deal for myself for the two of us because that’s absolutely what the Plot is going to let us do when you get out of here, go to Vegas! (FANDOM: Have fun! Don’t come back! We won’t miss you!)

[The Woolpack with Robert, Diane, Paddy, Chrissie and Tim]

*Chrissie and Tim are having a drink* *Chrissie is thankfully aware he is her uncle no and is not trying to make out with him* *Chrissie is working that bright yellow jacket*

ROBERT: *Watches from the bar* Ooh a new person! Involved with the Whites! The last time I was trying to convince myself not to think about Aaron, almost exactly two years ago, I threw myself into trying to get everything I could out of the Whites and Home Farm. Maybe I should try that again. Tell me everything about this man.

CHARITY: I don’t know actually, probably her next victim and yes I’m using that word on purpose to set up a line she will say later.

PADDY: *Appears in a scene with Robert* (FANDOM: *Gasp*) Pint please! Diane. Oh sorry, I still used to stringing those three words together. I guess I just miss have you behind the bar. (FANDOM + CHARITY: We do too!) Would you like another drink?

DIANE: Oh no thanks, I have to get in a dig at Doug cause he’s well...Doug and then I have to run to force you two to have a scene alone together. Bye!

ROBERT: *Don’t leave me Face* *Smooth transition into AARON Face* Have you seen Aaron?

PADDY: From what I hear, because I’ve been preoccupied with my own Plot that I set in motion due to my own awful cheating Plot, you and Aaron have broken up and now I no longer have to be nice to you.

ROBERT: I’m worried about Aaron. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

PADDY: Well don’t be. He doesn’t need you. I warned him about you. Even came up with that fantastic nickname, Mr. Shifty. You remember, it was that time before the time I used you as a shining example to Marlon about a couple that followed their hearts and took risks to be with each other when I was trying to help him with his doomed relationship. But anyway, I’ve been too busy with my own Plot to pay any real attention to yours even though Aaron is supposed to be like my son, but whatevs, so now I’m totally overcompensating in this scene because who knows when I’ll get the chance to care and get a dig or two in at you again…

ROBERT: *But I really do care about him and I want to tell you how much Face*

PADDY: Nope! Don’t want to hear it. Stay away from him!

*Chrissie and Tim discuss the fact that she had inappropriate feelings for him and it was really cringeworthy for a bit. She tells him she doesn’t want anything to do with him because he probably needs some more motivation to want to take the Whites down. Chrissie informs him that her last victim was one Andy Sugden and she is very much Lawrence’s daughter and framed him to get revenge and get rid*

MR. SHIFTY: *Listens* - right, I remember last summer when I was all ‘let’s destroy the Whites so that I can clear Andy’s name’ Then I brought in Rebecca to help...fuck! - *Gets ideas swirling around in that pretty blonde head of his*

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Adam, Zak, Charity, Robert and Tim]

*Aaron, Zak and Adam enter* (FANDOM: Weren’t you supposed to be in a tshirt Aaron? #SpoilerPhotosAreMisleading)

CHARITY: Hey, got the Dingle newsletter about the boxing Plot! Now I can call you Rocky, Aaron!

ZAK: Well if he’s Rocky, then I’m Apollo Creed cause I ‘knocked you out’!

AARON AND ADAM: *in unison because the bromance is real* Yeah, by accident! *Smiles* *Laughter*

ZAK: Hey look a baby!

MOSES: *Is adorable*

CHARITY: Yep...aren’t you glad you swerved that one, Aaron? More trouble than they’re worth. Have to actually look after them. Who needs that?!

ROBERT: *Enters* *Immediately clocks that something is not right with Aaron and it’s not just because he’s actually smiling* *Sees black eye* *Concerned Husband...er...Bystander Mode Activated* What’s happened!!!????

AARON: *Opens mouth to speak*

ADAM: *Extreme Aaron Sitting Mode Activated* It’s alright bro, I’ve got this. You’ll get enough dialogue and scenes after I’m gone. What does his Plot have to do with you, Robert?

ROBERT: Umm...I just asked a question. No need to bite my head off. I just care about my husb– Aaron…

ADAM: Well...stop! Stop caring about anyone but yourself! Everyone’s been telling you that you’re supposed to be selfish and self serving. Why won’t you cooperate?! Aaron doesn’t need you in his Plot. He’s got me. So back off!

AARON: *Well that happened Face* *Turns back to bar*

ROBERT: *Reluctantly leaves and goes to sit down with in eavesdropping distance*

TIM: *Exists*

MR. SHIFTY: *I’ll show them selfish and self serving Face*

Chapter Text

3 August 2017

[Outside Keeper’s Cottage with Robert and Victim]

MR. SHIFTY: *On the phone with a presumably shady contact because Robert’s not allowed to have friends* #Nostalgia

VICTIM: Hey! Just being nosy! What are you up to?

ROBERT: Nearly getting caught doing something shady apparently.

VICTIM: Oh, well at least I almost caught you outside my house because the audience needs to be blatantly reminded that you’re living here now because I, a known Plot Victim, decided that’s what was best.

ROBERT: Thanks for pointing that out *Aaron Face*

VICTIM: Hey, I came up with a cute acronym for your mopey Aaron moments to try and get the fans to like me more!

ROBERT: Seriously?

VICTIM: Yeah, MAG, Massive Aaron Grump! You having one now?

ROBERT: Nope, I’m having a MAD, Massive Aaron Dilemma, because I bought these festival tickets back before the Plot destroyed us and now I don’t know what to do about them.

VICTIM: Oh hey, I’m working this festival with the Diddy Diner, you know that business I still apparently run even though it’s not been mentioned in ages. You are soooo not a festival person!

ROBERT: Yeah, I would hate every minute of it but, as everyone is aware, I would do literally anything for Aaron so...and now, well, they’re here.

VICTIM: But you’ve split up?! #CaptainObvious

ROBERT: Cheers for the reminder...I think even the most casual of viewers are aware of that particular Plot Point at this stage. No need to rub it in. But should I ask him anyway? It seems so unfair to the fans to deprive them of this potentially super fluffy scenario. They’ve had so much taken from them already.

VICTIM: What’s the worst that could happen? #Whiplash (FANDOM: Who are you these days?!?! Do you even know from scene to scene?) - No -

ROBERT: Well he could think I’m a stalker and I think everyone got enough of that nonsense during the Finn/Kasim Plot that no one speaks of anymore. Adam and Paddy were all telling me stay far far away yesterday even though it’s like they’ve only just remembered that Aaron exists now that I’m out of the picture. Plus, you, you hypocrite, telling me to forget about him and return to my selfish and self serving ways the other day!

VICTIM: Uhhh...Plot Victim here! Besides, when have you ever bothered to listen to anyone else...besides maybe Aaron.

ROBERT: *I think that was a green light Face* *The Plot is still going to screw me over somehow with this isn’t it Face*

[The Portacabin with Aaron and Robert]

ROBERT: *Knock Knock Knock* - this feels weird and no one is answering so I guess I’ll just go in -

AARON: Did you actually just knock?

ROBERT: Well I wasn’t sure if you wanted me here?

AARON: *Matching elbow patches on display..well sort of...they’re the closest to elbow patches Aaron has ever gotten and it’s adorable okay* Well you do work here because even though we’re not together, apparently we’re still inseparable. Also...you just came in anyway?! *Laughs*

*Awkward Silence*

ROBERT: Right, well, now that your bodyguard isn’t here to speak for you, can I ask you about your eye? Are you fighting?

AARON: No...I’m talking to you and for once, now that we’re over, we’re not fighting. Hey maybe we can trick the Plot if we say we’re over but we’re not…

ROBERT: That’ll never work, besides, we’re over and we still can’t have an #ActualConversation

AARON: I have a Boxing Plot okay. I was sweaty the other day, the fans really enjoyed it. So...why are you here anyway? Did you actually come to do some work?

ROBERT: Of course not, the Plot has no need for me to do my job right now. No, I’m here cause I got these tickets in the mail.

AARON: The festival. You said you couldn’t think of anything worse…

ROBERT: Well I can now #TheHellPlot #Relatable #SpeakingForTheFandom Well you can still go if you want but I thought I’d awkwardly ask you if I could come with you, which you know wouldn’t be weird at all. Separate tents of course cause you know if we had one we’d probably end up cuddling or you know...our other favorite thing…

AARON: Yeah...I mean...yeah you can come, suppose... The fans would like it. (FANDOM: You’re gonna snatch this away from us later aren’t you because there was no festival in the spoilers) Well I better go and get back to my Boxing Plot.

ROBERT: Everyone’s told me to be selfish, but I still care and want you to be careful.

AARON: I’m fine Robert. Uncle Zak is training me.

ROBERT: Oh, thanks for that tidbit of information. Might come in handy.

AARON: *Nods* *Awkwardly leaves*

ROBERT: *Why aren’t we back together Face*

[The Cafe with Robert and Zak]

ROBERT: I’ve seen Aaron’s eye, and I’m not just talking about that scene we were both in yesterday. Anyway, I don’t like it.

ZAK: Did you two break up? I swear I heard that somewhere.

ROBERT: Yeah, but until the Plot won’t let me anymore, I still care.

ZAK: You could just cheer him on. I feel like your fans would like that.

ROBERT: Probably, but they also want Aaron to be safe almost as much as I do.

ZAK: But exercise is a good thing!

ROBERT: Zak, let me catch you up on Aaron’s Self Harm Plots over the years, one of them involving running himself into the ground and hospital. There’s a bit of a pattern here and I would hate to see him repeat that.

ZAK: That’s not gonna happen, right?

ROBERT: Well if it does, it’s on you!

ZAK: *I don’t want that kind of responsibility Face*

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Zak and Victim]

VICTIM: Robert said you were going to festival, Aaron! I’m putting on my Shipping crown again for the moment. Remember when I was super invested in keeping you guys together. The fans really loved me then.

AARON: Miss that version of you too. But...yeah...Robert got the tickets and awkwardly asked me out and I said yes cause the audience needs to know that I haven’t written him off completely.

VICTIM: Well, I will of course be there, giving you free snacks! What could be better?

AARON: I can’t eat your muck. I’m training! Right Zak? #NoObsessiveTendenciesHere

ZAK: The odd dirty burger won’t hurt you I suppose.

VICTIM: Stop mocking my business that everyone forgot about!!! *Victim leaves*

AARON: Great, now that she’s gone, we can go. Can we go now, please! #NoObsessiveTendenciesHere

ZAK: Can’t, I’m just going to eat so I can stall for a bit for...reasons I can’t discuss.

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Zak and Victim]

VICTIM: Can I get you some carbs?

AARON: No I’m good. (FANDOM: But carbs, like toast, are your favorite! And you’re literally always eating in every scene and now you’re turning down food...Is something wrong...besides you know...the Plot?) So...Zak, I can see that you’re totally stalling. What’s up? Are you bored of this Plot already?

ZAK: Yeah, that’s it. Let’s go with that. #NotAGoodLiar

AARON: Hmm..yeah...I don’t believe you at all. The Plot’s behind this somehow isn’t it?

ZAK: *Get’s out script from scene with Robert* Well, it’s just sometimes you tend to overdo it like that Self Harm Plot you had with the running…

AARON: *Grab’s script* Are you just reading Robert’s lines?

ZAK: Maybe? But he really does have your best interests at heart. I’m sure of it.

AARON: *Conflicted Face*

**Meanwhile, shady things are going on at Home Farm and that’s probably no coincidence** #IfYouExpectTheWorstOfSomeoneThat’sWhatYou’llGet #MrShifty

[The Woolpack with Robert, Sam, Charity and Aaron]

SAM: Have you seen Lydia?

ROBERT: She’s not in my immediate circle or related to my unfortunate Plot, so I have no idea who that is. (FANDOM: Stop crushing all of our Lydia/Robert dream scenarios!)

*Robert and Charity Banter* - for the fans - (FANDOM: We’ll take anything these days)

*Aaron enters*

ROBERT: Charity, while you’re doing your literal job so quit complaining, can you also get Aaron a pint? I mean...er...umm...if you want one that is. Damn, I hate that I’m all unsure around you now. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

AARON: No, I’m not eating or drinking today. No one should be concerned. Speaking of being concerned...I hear you don’t want me running or training.

ROBERT: *Confused Face* I don’t think we had that scene...I would have remembered...I treasure every moment with you.

AARON: No, you had it with Zak and now he’s quit, which is actually fine because now I can just go push myself as hard as I want because it’s my business and my business alone. (Fandom: *Concerned Face*)

ROBERT: *Concerned Face* *Soft Aaron Voice* I care, Aaron.

AARON: Yeah, well this was supposed to be my Plot, alright? So stop interfering! And take your festival tickets back. I’m not going! (FANDOM: We knew it! Stop depriving us of all of the cute stuff!)

ROBERT: *Sad Face* - thanks Plot - *Maybe the fans will write fanfic about what could have been* - I should really catch up on my ao3 reading -

[Side of the road with Aaron and Cain and surprisingly not the boot of Cain’s car]

*Cain probably takes too much pleasure cutting Aaron off on his run with his car*

AARON: What did you do that for?

CAIN: Could ask you the same question? I thought this was a Boxing Plot. That’s what the Dingle Newsletter said...well I think...it might have had grease stains over half the words by the time I bothered to look at it because well...it’s the Dingle Newsletter and I don’t care do I?

AARON: Yeah, well that’s over because Zak quit after Robert went and interfered in my Plot and told Zak I’d overdo it and he doesn’t have a mind of his own so now I’m running again.

CAIN: Well, I mean I can’t believe I’m going to say this and use his first name when I do, but it’s not like Robert doesn’t have good reason to worry.

AARON: What am I supposed to do? Just sit in a rocking chair for the rest of my life? Would that make you happy?

CAIN: Yeah maybe, and the fans would probably be all for it too, though they’d probably want to wrap you in bubble wrap first and then drape you under Sugden’s insane butterfly blanket while he feeds you a healthy diet of toast for the rest of your life but...yeah. I have got another idea though. Get in the car.

AARON: Why?

CAIN: We’re gonna go intersect with another Plot, come on. It’ll be fun and I’ll even let you ride in the passenger side and not the boot.

AARON: *He might mean that, I better obey Face*

[The Woods with Aaron, Cain, Debbie and Sarah]

*Blah Blah Blah other Plot where Sarah is absolutely correct in thinking that Debbie is not fun*

DEBBIE: *Rare Smile* I’m going to shoot you until I know you’re having a good time

*Cain and Aaron come out dressed in camouflage shooting paintball guns for context otherwise that line is really weird*

*Aaron is smiling. Debbie is smiling* #TheApocalypseIsComing (cc. @WoolieWeekly)

[Outside the Woolpack with Victim and Rebecca]

VICTIM: Hey, how’s the Plot I’m not overly involved in?

REBECCA: Fine, Dad’s doing okay...this time...but there’s a bunch of shady stuff going on around Home Farm. Possibly due to my sister’s birth father’s brother being around? Maybe? I don’t even know anymore.

VICTIM: Wow, that sounds confusing. Glad I’m not a part of that Plot. But are you sure you should be this confused in your state?

REBECCA: I’m always confused. Anyway, I thought, and this should actually make the fans happy, which is rare for one of my actions, that I might move back into Home Farm after Dad gets out of the hospital. #PleaseStayThere

VICTIM: Did you call the police about any of this?

REBECCA: Of course not, but I just thought of a former Plot Device that might be able to help me out. Us Plot Devices should stick together!

[The Woolpack with Robert, Rebecca and Victim]

*Victim and Robert are talking* *Rebecca enters* *Victim drops Robert as fast as she does personalities in this Plot and runs straight to Rebecca*

VICTIM: Hey did you get a hold of that Plot Device?

REBECCA: Yep! Now I just have to figure how to do all of the work I can’t cope with because I’m literally a failure at everything when it comes to the business.

VICTIM: Oh! I have a great idea! Robert! You should absolutely go and help Rebecca out up at Home Farm. You know, that place that used to represent all of the things you convinced yourself you wanted before you met Aaron and he changed everything! Also, BABY! - wow it’s been a while - Yep! She’s pregnant! Did you hear that, she’s carrying your child! I thought maybe you and the audience might have forgotten that fact because we clearly have for the past three weeks. But yeah, BABY!

ROBERT: *Please don’t drag me into this Face*

REBECCA: I can handle it on my own I swear. Please just let me sensible for the fans!

VICTIM: But why do that when you can drag Robert into it?!

REBECCA: Because it might actually kill my dad if I got Robert involved. (FANDOM: Hmmmm #Sacrifices)

ROBERT: For the record, I’m not getting involved in this at all. You all wanted me to be selfish and self serving again, so now I’ve got far too much shady stuff to coordinate to be bothering with the likes of you.

REBECCA: See, that settles it! Wait...I’m sure I should be paying more attention to something here...hmmm. Oh well.

[The Woods with Aaron, Cain, Debbie and Sarah]

*Dingle paintball banter and fun* *Aaron and Debbie still smiling* - for the fans -

AARON: I’m not actually tired you know. This is nowhere near pushing it hard for me.

CAIN: Well my Plot hasn’t had me working out like yours!

AARON: Yeah, well maybe you should find one that does. *Smiling* *Laughing* #WinterIsComing

CAIN: This is good though right?

AARON: Yeah, even you’re having fun.

CAIN: Don’t tell anyone, right? I’ve got a reputation to maintain...you know, while I’m also dating the local vicar.

AARON: Preferred Coira, but your secret’s safe with me. This was a great idea Debbie had.

CAIN: Well it’s not just for Sarah...

AARON: I am fine you know #StopLyingYouLiar

CAIN: Yeah and you want it to stay that way. Just, if you’re going to keep up with this Boxing Plot of yours, don’t overdo it and don’t make it everything.

AARON: I wasn’t. #StopLyingYouLiar

CAIN: Look, I know we’ve all been completely ignoring you for months but now the Plot has finally decided all us Dingles can interact with you. You should enjoy that while it lasts. There are lots of other things to do besides boxing and running and whatever other potentially self destructive ideas you have in mind, and there are certainly a ton of us in the village to do them with.

AARON: *Smiles* *Thanks for remembering I exist Face*

Chapter Text

4 August 2017

[The Woolpack with Robert, Rebecca, Megan and Victim]

VICTIM: *All too cheerful for this Plot* Hi Rebecca! What do you want? (FANDOM: Good question!)

REBECCA: I would really like a double malt because I am as tired of this Plot as the fans. #Relatable

VICTIM: Lemonade it is! Yep, still dictating your life because you’re still pregnant with the BABY! Aren’t you glad to be my BPFF? And because you’re my BPFF, let me check in with your other Plot. That sister’s birth father’s brother still giving you trouble?

REBECCA: Actually, can we not talk about that Plot right now, I really need a break.

MEGAN: Oh hey, I just randomly got this email right now, probably because you’re standing right next to me. I know you don’t want to talk about that Plot, but I think you should see this.

REBECCA: Oh no, an email telling everyone involved with Home Farm the actual truth about my horrible family!

*Robert Enters*

ROBERT: Bex! I just happened to get here at the perfect time. I always have impeccable timing. Something wrong? #MrShifty

REBECCA: *I hate this Plot and my other Plot and I have no idea they’re related Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Rebecca and Victim]

VICTIM: I can’t believe that this Tim guy would send emails to all of your clients slagging you off. I mean, you’re the definition of an innocent victim! Well, I mean in this Plot you actually are, but I’ll let the irony stand. I mean, I understand going after Chrissie and Lachlan since you know they’re horrible people who set my brother up even though I’ve pretty much forgotten about that, but not you! And how dare they accuse Lawrence doing something he basically actually did?!

ROBERT: Wow, you don’t say? I am absolutely shocked that this is happening to you. Lawrence drove someone to their death? That’s hardcore. *Takes notes*

REBECCA: *Speaking logically* #FirstTimeForEverything I should sue him or get the police involved.

ROBERT: Oh no, don’t do that. That’s a terrible idea. You have no proof it was this Tim guy. I mean, I do, but shhh no one knows that...especially not you. #MrShifty

REBECCA: *Phone Rings* Oh hello client! Oh you’re dropping us because of the email. Sigh. #IHateThisPlot #CanWeGoBackToTalkingAboutTheBaby

ROBERT: Wait, I don’t understand. Even if he did break into Home Farm because you have the actual worst security known to man, how could he have sent that email? Surely your internet security isn’t just as bad? *Has fond memories about the time he staged a break in at Home Farm and flirted with Aaron* - shut up it counts -

REBECCA: Well, Dad’s old school for the sake of simplicity and just has all his passwords written in a book.

ROBERT: Which he of course keeps on his desk. Just a guess, mind you. It’s not like I actually know...oh wait, no I do, because I used to live and work there. Totally allowed to have this knowledge. Still, Lawrence is and idiot! Love saying that.

VICTIM: Robert, you really need to help her out!

ROBERT: Uh...I was literally sat here yesterday at this same table when Bex and I agreed that working together was a bad idea. I swear you were there too. Besides, Bex, you said you wanted to run things on your own now. Then again, you said you wanted to raise our supposed kid on your own too and then you got pissed at me when I tried to get out of it. So…

REBECCA: Well clearly I’m the worst at business things as the Plot so gleefully likes to point out! Please, I’m begging you, help me out like always. It’s how we got into our other Plot in the first place really. (FANDOM: Don’t remind us!)

VICTIM: *Robecca Shipper Face*

ROBERT: *Oh come on we don’t even have chemistry unlike Aaron and I Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Rebecca and Victim]

REBECCA: *Phone Rings* Oh look, lost another one! Our clients are dropping like flies! Please Robert! I need you!

ROBERT: Oh I don’t know. Damn this is so inconvenient. I mean it’s not like you’re doing exactly what I want you to be doing. I love when the Plot is on my side. But still, me and Home Farm, it never ends well. That place is cursed. (FANDOM: Go with that notion Robert!)

VICTIM: I thought you’d jump at the chance to be the big hero! It’s a very self serving thing to do and like I’ve been telling you all week…

ROBERT: As much as I’m having fun being Mr. Shifty again, might I remind you and the Plot if you’re listening, that I basically lost Aaron because I got involved with you Bex. I can’t imagine how this is going to go well for me.

VICTIM: Well the Plot killed the good ship SS Robron, I don’t see what the problem is with getting aboard a new one! #Robecca4Eva

ROBERT: Ummm that’s the worst idea you’ve ever had. Just because we’re over for the minute doesn’t mean I’m not still interested in getting him back and me throwing in with her and her lot is hardly going to do me any favors. You hear that Plot, are you listening?! No? I didn’t think so.

REBECCA: It’s actually pretty simple. The Plot has set me up to fail and now I need you and your well established business expertise to save me.

ROBERT: I really don’t understand why I should care. I’m struggling to find my motivation for all of this. Is it just because it’s easy and I’m bored? What?

VICTIM: *How can you possibly not care about this new ship Face*

ROBERT: Fine, I’ll play along for a bit, only because this is kind of fun actually. Although, I still feel like this is going to delay my getting back together with Aaron.

REBECCA: Can you call the clients for me? No one trusts a word I say. (FANDOM: Well, that’s true) Come on. You’re so good at getting people to do exactly what you want! *Pointed Eyebrow Raise*

ROBERT: *Seriously? You’re playing that card again Face*

REBECCA: At least think about it.

ROBERT: *Oh, the Plot and I are like ten steps ahead of you Face*

REBECCA: Well...I need to go get back up to that super safe, totally not cursed, big house of mine, make sure nothing else terrible happens.

VICTIM: Uhh...no...that’s not what the Plot wants. The Plot wants you to come back to ours, and by ours I mean all three of ours because Robert and Aaron broke up and he lives with us now, and get some rest because none of this stress can be good for BABY! Robert! Can go look after home farm.

ROBERT: *Reluctant Sigh* Keys please? This is really not going exactly how I planned at all. Nope, this is a huge inconvenience for me. Really!

REBECCA: Thank you so much! You’re the best Robert. I can’t believe I still trust you even after EVERYTHING. The Plot really wants me to be this dumb doesn’t it. #ThisPlotSucks

VICTIM: *Robecca Shipper Heart Eyes* #WhatTheHellHasHappenedToMe #PlotVictim

[Home Farm with Robert, Tim, Lawrence’s favorite Tipple and a Golden Pineapple]

ROBERT: *Walks into Home Farm* *Makes himself at home since it used to be his home* *Gets a glass and Lawrence’s favorite tipple and pours himself a drink* *Robert Smugden Mode Activate* *Door opens* Come on in then! This better be important. *Holds up drink* Lawrence’s favorite tipple, a gift from Ronnie who’s now his ex, just like Aaron is my ex. #IHateThisPlotButICanStillDrinkTheGoodStuff I’m sure Lawrence won’t mind. Well actually he would, but what do I care?!

TIM: So...I don’t think I was briefed on this part of the Plot. What are you doing here?

ROBERT: Uhh...running things like I planned. If the Plot won’t give me Aaron, at least it gave me power for the moment. Have to enjoy it while it lasts. My plans don’t usually work out in the end.

TIM: This wasn’t exactly my plan. I just wanted to get payback on Lawrence and my niece who tried to kiss me. - that was weird - Now we’re only hurting Rebecca. It’s not right. (FANDOM: Actually we’re all terrible people, so we’re kind of okay with it.)

ROBERT: It’s a bit late to be having a conscience considering all of the stuff I already convinced you to do. Besides, Rebecca is a whole other kind of stupid considering she keeps falling for literally everything I want her to. But she’s nothing. If you could tell Aaron that I said that too, that would be great. Otherwise, don’t worry about her. I try not do. Did I mention that she’s nothing cause she is and this Plot is barely even about her. *Robert Smugden Extreme Mode Activate* So, what is it you want Timothy?

TIM: This has all gone too far. I want out. I should tell Rebecca about everything.

ROBERT: Did you miss what I just said? She’ll literally believe anything I tell her. Get me the Oscar or the BSA now mate! Besides, it’s all stuff you did. The break ins, the emails, the arson. I’m squeaky clean, just like always. You, you’ll end up in prison and I know from my husband’s...er...whatever he is to me now, that prison isn’t a great place. It can send you into all sorts of bad Plots. But you know that, look at your brother. Here, have some money. I love throwing money at problems. Just ask Aaron. Use it to get a taxi to the airport and then we never have to see each other again. Do yourself a favor. Forget the Whites, get your life back. I had a life once, with my #BeautifulHusband but that Plot took that from me and this is all I have left.

TIM: You’re as bad as them.

ROBERT: Yep, everyone told me to be selfish and self serving so I’m finally taking their advice. I’m sure it’ll all backfire soon enough. Until then, I’ll enjoy this nice drink and sit on my throne *nearly falls out of chair as he sits down* in my former kingdom and relive the old days of 2015. *Smuggest grin ever* #KingSmugden Oh and check out the new golden pineapple decor! I think they put that in just for my return! Just zoom out so enough so I can cry over this glass once I’m off screen okay? #AreWeBackTogetherYet

Chapter Text

7 August 2017

[Home Farm with Robert]

ROBERT: *Robert Smugden Mode Still Activated from the night before* *Close up of the Armagnac for future Plot Points* *Feet up on the breakfast bar* *Reads paper* *Casually checks the monogram on the robe he’s wearing just so the audience can be aware that it is in fact Lawrence’s robe* *Smug Giggle* *Hears the Plot coming* *Robert Smugden Mode deactivating* *Frantically puts away all evidence of scheming* *Runs like the idiot he is up the stairs, thankful they’re not the spiral staircase at the Mill of Misery because at least now he’s not flat on his back with his poor ankle stuck* *Secretly wishes he was* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[Home Farm with Robert, Rebecca and Lachlan]

ROBERT: *Scheming ‘Who Me’ Mode Activate* *Comes downstairs* *Ruffles his hair* - for the fans and the Plot -

REBECCA: Robert! I don’t know why I’m so surprised to see you here considering Vic forced you to come last night and I agreed.

ROBERT: *Waiting for my Oscar Mode* Gosh what time is it?

REBECCA: Uhh 8:30?

ROBERT: *I’d like to thank...well mostly me…Mode* Wow, last time I looked it was about 3:30. I must have fallen asleep. Imagine that.

REBECCA: So...no unwanted visitors?

ROBERT: *I’d also like to thank Aaron of course...Mode* Well you’re here and there was Tim, who I invited in last night...but um...nope, no one.

REBECCA: *Oblivious for Plot Reasons Mode Activate* Thank you so much Robert. You’re the bestest ever! I’ll just conveniently forget all the awful things you’ve done to me...but then again I’m good at that.

ROBERT: Oh and I did do some actual work while I was here. Perhaps anyway. I’m still not totally sure if Bryant was part of my plan or not, but hey, this Plot is confusing on a good day. So anyway, he’s back on board, because in between trolling through Aaron’s sparse social media accounts, I also stalked this Bryant guy and found out he’s a massive geek who likes superhero movies and zombies. Isn’t that great?!

REBECCA: Because you really want the Plot to give you a friend?

ROBERT: Well, yes, but apparently my geeky tastes are limited to Game of Thrones, Death Note, Bond films and Stephen King, but the reason why it’s great is because you just happen to be hosting a zombie run for Plot purposes tomorow!

REBECCA: Am I? I know I apparently suck at this whole business thing, but I don’t remember that being in the diary for tomorrow.

ROBERT: Well it is, so make it fun for him. Get the factory workers up here to fill in the numbers because who doesn’t want Kerry running around in Zombie make up. Anyway, nothing says team building like fleeing from the undead!

LACHLAN: What’s he doing here?

REBECCA: I have zero business skills as a rule for the Plot so Robert is stepping in to help out of the kindness of his heart.

LACHLAN: Oh, so I take a few days off and you get him in to help? I mean, I’m totally qualified and was running this business way better than you, so I can see why you needed help in my absence but him? You’re like a nasty infection. Can’t seem to get rid of you. (FANDOM: Are you sure you’re not talking about yourself and your family? #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise)

REBECCA: *Still Oblivious for Plot Reasons* Seriously, thank you so much Robert! Did I mention that you’re the bestest?

ROBERT: Yes you did. Now...go do some actual work. I can’t do EVERYTHING. I already spent enough time destroying it. Can’t be expected to build it all back up for you. Run along. Oh and can I use your shower?

REBECCA: Oh of course. You know where it is. You used to live here…

ROBERT: *Runs up the stairs* *Holding up his fictional Oscar and basking in the glow of his greatness*

REBECCA: Oh! You didn’t get to look at the CCTV did you?

ROBERT: *When did they get working CCTV Face* I thought you said it wasn’t working. I turned it off in 2014 the day I fell in love with Aaron when he fake broke in. Didn’t think it had been turned back on since, the amount of times you get broken into.

REBECCA: Oh well we finally turned it back on but I’m useless so I don’t know how to work it. I just want to give you ample opportunity to continue screwing me over even though I’m unaware of it.

ROBERT: Yeah, thanks. I’ll totally do that after my shower. *The Plot is in my favor, I should probably be worried Face*

[Home Farm with Robert, Rebecca and Lachlan]

ROBERT: *Deleting the evidence* - This is way too easy, I think I’m actually bored -

REBECCA: *Bounces in way too excited for someone who’s only doing what the Plot wants* *On the phone* Great! You’re going to love tomorrow! It was invented just for this Plot Point that I know nothing about. It’s gonna be so much fun!

ROBERT: *Oh look there’s me trying to pay Tim Face* *Delete* *Why is she so easy to manipulate Face* - I need a challenge -

LACHLAN: Shift Mr. Shifty! I need to look at the CCTV footage you’re deleting.

ROBERT: Oh, well it’s all gone but don’t worry, there was absolutely nothing incriminating on it at all so it’s fine. But now you have a ton more space!

REBECCA: Isn’t he just helping soooo much! #PlotBrain

LACHLAN: Yeah probably not, but don’t get too comfy Robert, Granddad is coming home and you know he can’t stand you.

REBECCA: He’s coming home already? He had an aneurysm like two days ago?!?

LACHLAN: Yeah, well it’s Hotten General and he’s needed for the Plot. But you know who’s not needed for this Plot, you Robert! So, you can bounce!

ROBERT: *Oh foolish child this Plot is totally about me Face*

[Home Farm with Rebecca, Lawrence and Lachlan]

REBECCA: You just won’t die will you?

LAWRENCE: I know, terrible isn’t it? #SpeakingForTheFandom

REBECCA: Well I’m moving back in here for a bit because I’m here all the time anyway and there’s no set for Keeper’s Cottage. Also, to look after you since the Plot really wants you dead.

LAWRENCE: But I think I’m ready to go!

REBECCA: Nope, no arguments! And I won’t be a pushover like those doctors. I’m only like that with Robert. (FANDOM: Clearly)

LAWRENCE: Oh they weren’t pushovers. I had to throw a really massive temper tantrum to get out early. But I go where the Plot needs me until it FINALLY lets me go. Now that it took Ronnie from me, I’m fine whenever. Oh Lachlan, can you catch Chrissie up on the Plot. I’d hate for her to be out of the loop now that she’s disowned me. So...how’s business?

REBECCA: *I’m really bad at it so I had to get Robert to help but I don’t want to tell you Face*

LACHLAN: I’ll just take your bag upstairs so I can get out of this scene.

LAWRENCE: Oh don’t worry. I’m going to make myself a cuppa so you can chat about the Plot.

REBECCA: *Thanks Dad Face* Lucky! Please don’t–

LACHLAN: Tell him about Robert? Yeah, I figured. The things I do for Plot.

LAWRENCE: *Overly Dramatic Acting Mode Activate* Gosh, Lucky is such a GREAT kid! Never done ANYTHING wrong in his life. I wish he hadn’t left me too! Rattling around in this big old empty house alone won’t be any fun. Wish they’d kill me sooner instead of all these close calls. It’s getting exhausting.

REBECCA: But you’re not alone! You’ve got me!

LAWRENCE: *Completely ignores her* *Goes for the alcohol* #Relatable Who’s been drinking my expensive gift from my one true love, even though I didn’t appreciate him at all, Ronnie?

REBECCA: *Oblivious to the Plot* Umm...you...probably?

LAWRENCE: Nope, that’s not right. *Hugs bottle* Ronnie has left me even though it’s totally my fault and now I hate everything and want the Plot to release me from its clutches! Woe is me! But how dare someone drink from my special alcohol! It’s the last thing that means anything to me. Oh well, it’s open now. Totally gonna drink some.

REBECCA: Not to state the obvious, but you just had a brain aneurysm and you’re on medication…

LAWRENCE: What’s the point? This is all that’s gonna get me through the remainder of my Plot #Relatable (FANDOM: Can we have some?) No! It’s mine. *Takes a drink*

REBECCA: When will the Plot end so I can stop watching your over dramatic acting. At least I just blink a lot?!

[The Woolpack with Robert, Victoria and Rebecca]

ROBERT: Hey Vic, can you get me some of the exact alcohol I’ve been stealing from Lawrence? It’s Armagnac.

VICTORIA: Oooh! Let me say it really slowly so everyone gets it. Arrrrmannnngac!

ROBERT: *Sees Rebecca* So, you doing exactly what the Plot and I want you to do?

REBECCA: *Oblivious to the Plot* *Pretends to be a zombie*

ROBERT: I’ll take that as a yes. You know I’m around if you need a hand. I’ll be involved anyway since this Plot is about me.

REBECCA: Well...you see, Dad’s back and he hates you.

ROBERT: He can’t possibly be working, he’s at death’s door every other week! Clearly the business has to be a safety risk!

REBECCA: Well you know Dad...it’ll take a tranquilizer dart to keep him out of the office.

ROBERT: *Wonders if Charity still has that tranq gun*

VICTORIA: Oh! Rebecca is in earshot now. Couldn’t get you any Arrrmanngac, so I got you brandy!

REBECCA: Oh it was you that drank his posh booze. That’s convenient.

ROBERT: *Does cute thing with his mouth* Oh, well I didn’t think anyone would notice.

REBECCA: Well he did notice. It was a gift from Ronnie.

ROBERT: Yep, I totally knew that because I am a scheming mastermind. Nothing can go wrong!

REBECCA: Well now it has inspired him to have a nightcap every night. Can’t imagine why.

ROBERT: *Cogs turning* *Thanks Plot for this gift Face*

REBECCA: I’m sure the doctors couldn’t say anything to dissuade him.

ROBERT: *Speaking of doctors Face* *Pulls out phone* Hello! I need to see a doctor for an urgent problem. I’m sure the Plot will be able to fit me in.

[Dr. Cavanaugh’s Office with Robert and Dr. Cavanaugh]

DR CAVANAUGH: So...you’re having trouble sleeping and it’s been going on since the Plot destroyed your relationship with Aaron? You know a breakup can be like grief. Insomnia isn’t uncommon.

ROBERT: *Scheming but totally truthful even if he can’t admit it Mode Activate* But even when I do sleep, I don’t feel any better. I wake up anxious and my heart racing...reaching out for Aaron because I’m only content when we’re cuddling together...sorry did I say that out loud? Ignore that, it’s not relevant to the Plot.

DR CAVANAUGH: Right, but you’re drinking? To get to sleep?

ROBERT: But it’s not working...unless I drink enough to pass out...did that once...this Plot happened as a result of that. Would not recommend. Definitely didn’t make me feel any better. #Relatable

DR CAVANAUGH: Well I’m going to do as the Plot bid me and write you a prescription…

ROBERT: *All going according to plan Face*

DR CAVANAUGH: Just start with breaking a tablet in two and see if that helps you catch up on some sleep. This is definitely not a permanent solution.

ROBERT: *Going for Oscar number two* Oh no I understand. If I want to really murder Larry, the Plot and I are going to have to come up with something bigger and better. But this will do for a solve to my immediate problem: keeping him out of my way until I can do whatever it is the Plot wants me to do here. *I’ve so got this Face* *And the best part is that absolutely none of this is actually true...really...Face*

[The Portacabin with Robert and Aaron]

ROBERT: *Scheming Mode Activate* *Crushing up sleeping pills in a bright yellow mug* - I don’t know why I came to the portacabin to do this...I guess for privacy?! - *Hears Plot coming* *Scheming Mode Deactivate* *Frantically hides the evidence* *Picks up blanks book to look through because that’s how he rolls*

AARON: *Enters*

ROBERT: *Cool and Detached Mode Activate* - Ah that’s why I’m here! Just act normal, just act normal...er...cooler than normal - Hey, thought you’d be long gone by now! That’s why I came here to do shifty things.

AARON: Yeah, well the Plot made me forget my wallet so I’d have to come back here.

ROBERT: Oh, well, doesn’t bother me...nope...not at all...I’m just here, chillin’, reading the imaginary words in this book. Really helps build my creativity. I’m writing a story in my head about us getting back together. Gonna write it down later. But for now...totally cool…

AARON: *He’s not begging for another shot, something must be wrong Face* Right then…

ROBERT: *Glances up* *Tries to remain aloof* *See’s Aaron looking the slightest bit tired* *Fails at aloof* *Concerned Aaron Face* You look knackered!

AARON: *He does care but now I’m flustered Face* Oh..um...thanks?

ROBERT: *I really need to get back to my evil plan but Aaron might be in trouble so it can wait Face* What’s wrong? Do you need my assistance. Let’s just end this breakup phase of the Plot now...please! #AreWeBackTogetherYet I mean…*Sort of almost chill* Are you okay?

AARON: Oh...you know...just had too many energy drinks last night...while I was lying there on the sofa, avoiding going up to our...er...my bed...that’s all. It’s absolutely not about you at all…. #StopLyingYouLiar

ROBERT: Oh, well...that’s good. *Forces eyes back down to blank book* *Go back to being cool Sugden* *Get him out of here so you can get back to your evil Plot*

AARON: So…*Opens mouth to say something* (FANDOM: What did you want to say Aaron?!?!) I guess if you’re not going to stare at me with worried heart eyes, I’ll just go then.

ROBERT: Yeah, if I look directly at you for too long, I’ll be finished. Plus, I’ve got Plot stuff to do so...see ya.

AARON: *Why aren’t you throwing yourself at me Face* *I’ll go but I’ve got my eye on you now because I’m suspicious of you and I still care Face* *Leaves*

ROBERT: *Reactivates Scheming Mode* Pulls out pills and ‘accidentally’ leaves a Plot Pill behind for ‘someone’ to find the next day* *Finishes crushing pills*

[Home Farm with Robert, Lawrence and Rebecca]

LAWRENCE: *Sleeping and probably dreaming of a way out*

REBECCA: *Stares long enough to establish that she cares and then goes upstairs because the Plot is calling her to sleep*

ROBERT: *Enters easily because he still has Plot Keys from Friday...er...yesterday* *Looks to the kitchen* *Sees toaster* *Gets sad* *Looks in the living room and sees the conveniently laid out bottle and glass of Armagnac* *Pours crushed pills into bottle*

LAWRENCE: *Stirs slightly and makes a sound*

ROBERT: *Wide eyed don’t do this to me now Plot Face* *Looks around shiftily, really earning his nickname*

LAWRENCE: *Settles long enough for Robert to finish*

ROBERT: *Escapes just in the nick of Plot*

LAWRENCE: Nightcap! Oh here’s my drink. I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with it at all. *Chuckle* *Drinks*

ROBERT: *Wow that was easy. I wish all my Plots went like this Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

Chapter Text

8 August 2017

[The Cafe with Robert, Rebecca, Lachlan and Belle]

REBECCA: *Hands over face* - Is this Plot over yet? -

ROBERT: Hey don’t worry, it’ll all come together. My plans always do. Of course they always go badly too and I haven’t the slightest clue what my motivations are these days…

REBECCA: I could really be doing without this zombie thing that you set up to save my business that you also destroyed that I know nothing about...wow you’re almost as confusing as I am these days…

ROBERT: Tell me about it. Are you okay? I ask, only because I know you’re not and I want to see how well my plan is working. Don’t mistake it for caring.

REBECCA: It’s Dad. He’s sleeping all the time or throwing back the armagnac. I just can’t understand it.

ROBERT: Hmm, you don’t say?!

REBECCA: He just had an aneurysm but the Plot has him drinking for whatever reason. He should probably still be in hospital but he’s got it in his head that he can just accelerate his exit Plot if he tries hard enough…

ROBERT: *Fake concerned soft voice* (Not to be confused with *Soft Aaron Voice) Maybe you should call today off - seriously what are my motivations?!?! - You’re dad’s health is super important to me...really...why do you believe me?

REBECCA: #PlotBrain

LACHLAN: *Still not a serial killer :(* We can totally handle this event because even if my Plot Brained aunt isn’t on to you, I sure am.

ROBERT: *Fake concerned soft voice* You’ve just got so much on your plate that I’m totally responsible for...but I care really. I wish I could do more...and I will...but it probably won’t benefit you.

REBECCA: *Drinking it all in* *Something that’s probably supposed to be heart eyes but she can’t quite manage it*

LACHLAN: We really don’t need you and whatever the Plot is up to.

ROBERT: I heard you the first time Lachlan, but I don’t have to pretend to care about you in any way anymore. Thank god! #Relatable *Turns back to Rebecca with the fake concerned soft voice* Some things are more important than business...probably our son that you’re supposedly carrying...but no, that’s not a thing this week.

REBECCA: *You’re so wise Robert Face*

*Robert Leaves*

REBECCA: Well, since I still have no agency, I’m just going to do exactly what Robert says and call this whole thing off.

LACHLAN: Uhh, no you’re not. I can totally handle it even though I have less business experience than you...and that’s saying something.

REBECCA: Ah, but I’m pregnant and that means I can’t do anything! I can make phone calls though, so I’m going to go do that.

LACHLAN: I can make phone calls too and you’re totally gonna let me.

REBECCA: How dare you take advantage of my lack of agency. Fine, I’m just going to go on a nice long visit to Dad’s doctor that we also won’t see, because unless it’s about Robert scheming, there is no room for medical professionals in this Plot. In any case, it should give you plenty of time to do whatever it is you’re probably going to do that will make me look bad because that’s how this Plot seems to be going lately.

LACHLAN: Yep, I’m definitely not cancelling. If I did, nothing would happen in this episode. It’s already filled with a bunch of B plots no one cares about, so we have to give them something.

BELLE: I don’t know Lachlan. Maybe we shouldn’t. There’s been too much hype about it. It’s bound to disappoint people.

LACHLAN: Nope, we’re doing it to stick it to Robert. He may not understand his motivations but I think I do. He wants us to fail so he can be the hero and put it all back together again. (FANDOM: Is this true? Why is he doing any of these things?!?!)

[The Mill with Aaron, Adam and Robert]

*Bartsy playing video games* *Aaron smiling* - for the fans -

ADAM: So...you think we should actually go to work? I honestly have no idea how we stay in business.

AARON: We probably should, but nah, let’s play another game.

ADAM: Great plan!

*Knock Knock* *Robert’s there*

ROBERT: Adam, shouldn’t you be at work? I mean, Aaron doesn’t need to go, he was there yesterday briefly while I was being shady. He’s filled his quota for the week. But you…

ADAM: *Aaron Sitting Mode Activate* Shouldn’t you learn how to knock?

ROBERT: I did knock! I could tell you were in here because the Plot speakers were so loud.

ADAM: Told you those were a good investment Aaron!

AARON: *Reluctant fist bump* *Cool Detached Mode Activate* So, what do you want?

ROBERT: I lost my favorite watch and I think I might have left it here.

AARON: No idea what you’re talking about, really. Can’t you just buy a new one?

ROBERT: No, and you know why. There’s clearly something sentimental about that particular watch. Can I look around for it?

AARON: No! I mean, no, if I find it, I’ll definitely maybe, maybe not let you know. #StopLyingYouLiar

ROBERT: Well, thanks.

ADAM: *Still in Aaron Sitting Mode* Bye bye now!

[The Scrapyard with Aaron and Adam]

*Peak Fluffy Hair Alert* - for the fans -

ADAM: So Robert has a go at us about skiving and now here we are...also skiving? Here’s your tea.

AARON: This has absolutely nothing to do with him. #StopLyingYouLiar Anyway, you didn’t have to come. Only one of us has to be here at a time, you know that. I just got bored of thrashing you.

ADAM: What reality are you livin’ in mate?

AARON: Not the one I thought I’d be. Before this Hell Plot, I thought I’d be getting happy domestic scenes at the Mill with my husband, not sitting there with you playing video games in the chairs I said I hated a few weeks ago to prove a point. #IFuckingHateThisPlot

ADAM: Do you think he really left his watch there or was that just the Plot’s way of getting him to come around so you two could be awkward for the fans?

AARON: Oh I know he left his watch there because I’ve been carrying it around with me for days…*Gazes at it* *Wishes it was Robert’s face instead* (Probably...definitely)

ADAM: So why didn’t you give it to him?

AARON: Because I’m a sentimental idiot who’s totally not over him at all...or you know...I didn’t like his tone.

ADAM: I’ve been enjoying my Aaron Sitting duties, but are you sure it’s actually over between you two? I know the fans don’t want it to be. Is there no way you can get over the Plot?

AARON: It has to be over Ad. I’m trying to force the Plot to let us hit rock bottom so things can only get better. Turns out rock bottom just keeps getting lower and lower, but I’m still trying.

ADAM: So, at the moment we’re young, free and single. We should go out to a club or something. You and me on the pull, mate. Something for everyone.

AARON: Yeah…

ADAM: *I miss my Sugden Sibling but don’t tell anyone Face*

AARON: *I miss my Sugden Sibling but don’t tell anyone Face*

[Home Farm Grounds with Lawrence, the Zombies, Belle, Lachlan, Victim and Rishi]

LAWRENCE: *Drugged up groggy stumbling in his pajamas*

*Bad camera effects Alert* (FANDOM: Bring back Super Soap Week)

*Zombie Attack*

*Cringy Acting Alert*

VICTIM: Hey look I have a catering business still and for some insane reason I’m working for you people again. What is wrong with me?

LACHLAN: Thanks though. Tastes great! #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise

BELLE: I suck at baby sitting. I lost Sarah already. What kind of Plots is she getting herself into in my absence?!

*Lawrence barreling toward them in his car*

LACHLAN: What the hell is this Plot?

*Super hyped Plot happens*

VICTIM: Ow! My ankle! Now I’m literally a victim!

LAWRENCE: *Stumbles out of car*

*Wild Rishi Appearance*

RISHI: Lawrence are you okay?

LAWRENCE: I have no idea? I thought this Plot Point might be my exit. They made out like it was going to be some fatal car crash. I thought I might luck out and be the fatality. What the hell Plot have I stumbled into? Who are all these people?

VICTIM: You almost killed me! My ankle is killing me! My life is over! *Fails to see the irony in this* #SugdenAnkleCurse

LAWRENCE: I’m sorry?

LACHLAN: I’m still not a serial killer but I’ve got this covered. Just go back inside granddad. No one wants you here.

[Home Farm with Robert, Rebecca, Victim and Lachlan]

REBECCA: Thanks for doing the exact opposite of what I asked. The Plot really is out to get me.

LACHLAN: Well it was all going fine until you know...it wasn’t

ROBERT: Hey I just saw Nicola and the Plot didn’t feel the need to show that interaction for the fans unfortunately. But I heard what happened Vic. Not quite what I intended. I think I was supposed to feel bad about this, at least according to the magazines, but, turns out it wasn’t really that bad after all.

REBECCA: I’m soooo sorry Robert! #ApologizingForTheWrongThings

ROBERT: It’s okay, it’s not actually your fault. I orchestrated this whole thing. It just had some unintended consequences. #StoryOfMyLife

REBECCA: I knew Dad wasn’t well enough to leave the hospital!

ROBERT: *Yep my fault too face*

REBECCA: Well Vic, since you’re my BPFF and my Plot purpose is always to take Sugdens with ankle injuries to the hospital, let’s go.

ROBERT: Hang on. I need to prove what a better sibling I am that Victim here. I’ll take her. Just because she didn’t take me for Plot reasons, doesn’t mean I need to fall into the same trap.

VICTIM: I was supposed to do an event tomorrow but I guess I can’t do that now.

REBECCA: Now that it’s not about the baby, I have all the money in the world to cover your losses.

[The Portacabin with Aaron]

AARON: *Checks messages*

VOICEMAIL: You have ten new messages.

AARON: I don’t think so. Those aren’t important to the Plot. #Relatable *rifles around in Robert’s stuff for...reasons?!* *Finds suspicious little blue Plot Pill left specifically for him* *Suspicious Face*

[Home Farm with Rebecca and Lawrence]

REBECCA: Dad! You really shouldn’t be drinking anymore after that!

LAWRENCE: *Drinks anyway* The Plot depends on it. Plus, I’m still hoping I can move up my exit story and get out of this godforsaken Plot once and for all!

[The Woolpack with Robert and Victim]

ROBERT: You sure you should be working? I know what it’s like to have an injured ankle.

VICTIM: Yeah, it’s only for a bit because of course the Plot needs me to work more after that Home Farm thing. It only hurts all the time. Don’t worry.

ROBERT: Well, I’ll give you a hand. I guess this is the part where I’m supposedly feeling guilty?! #WhatIsMyMotivation

VICTIM: Really? But you’re a selfish and self serving person? Why would you help me?

ROBERT: Because that’s only one layer of my personality. I’m a #ComplexCharacter. Besides, I had a poorly ankle not too long ago and you just mocked me.

VICTIM: So this is #Karma (FANDOM: Yes)

ROBERT: Definitely. Shouldn’t be so mean to me or push me into one of my schemes. You know you run a higher risk of getting hurt then. So...how was Lawrence after?

VICTIM: Definitely on something.

ROBERT: Right...I don’t know anything about that. It’s probably just because he just got out of the hospital for that whole brain aneurysm thing. Not like that’s serious at all. Right, well I’m just going to go off to the toilets so that I can come back through when Aaron gets here.

VICTIM: Okay, and thanks again for taking me to the hospital Robert. I guess that’s what siblings should do for each other.

ROBERT: Yep, and it was the least I could do since I indirectly cause this to happen. #UnintendedConsequences

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Adam, Victim and Robert]

ADAM: Hey Vic, I’m still concerned about you. #NotOverIt

VICTIM: Hey Adam, I’m still ignoring our Plot. #NotOverIt

ADAM: Well that didn’t go well. We’re definitely still going into town cause we’re totally over those Sugden Siblings. #NotOverIt

AARON: Yeah, yeah #NotOverIt Oh, hey I found this little blue pill at the office and I think it’s Robert’s.

ADAM: And here I thought you had the best sex life in the village next to Jimmy and Nicola.

AARON: Of course we do. It’s actually a sleeping pill. Don’t know how I actually figured that out though.

ADAM: So...he’s having trouble sleeping?

AARON: No, that’s not it. He was being super shifty yesterday. He’s definitely up to something.

*Mr. Shifty walks by*

AARON: *Yep definitely suspicious Face*

Chapter Text

9 August 2017

[Home Farm with Rebecca and Lawrence]

*Bad Camera Effects Alert*

LAWRENCE: *Dreams about Ronnie getting out of the Plot* *Wishes he could join him*

REBECCA: Dad, what are you doing down here?

LAWRENCE: *Talks about Toast* (FANDOM: Look, Larry, Toast is Aaron’s thing okay!)

REBECCA: Have you been drinking again?

LAWRENCE: It’s the only thing that gets me through, but I swear I only had one.

REBECCA: Like you only had one yesterday when you were involved in that super lame car crash? The fans were not impressed.

LAWRENCE: Neither was I. Didn’t exactly get the result I wanted.

REBECCA: Dad, we need to think about your health!

LAWRENCE: I don’t know what for. Just let me go. The grim reaper is getting seriously impatient and so am I. Oh and the Plot wants me to set up you explaining where Chrissie has disappeared to.

REBECCA: Yeah, she came by to check on just me because she still hates you. She took Lachlan away for a bit. The fans are really hoping that he comes back with murderous tendencies. #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise

LAWRENCE: Me too, though perhaps they’ve gone for good. (FANDOM: We’d mostly be okay with that. Would you two like to join them?) I would like to join them actually. Who cares about my health. No one cares about me anymore anyway. #SpeakingForTheFandom

REBECCA: I care! I’m here for you in this Plot, Dad.

LAWRENCE: But you’ve got your own Plot. You’re pregnant, in case you or the audience has forgotten. You really should be concentrating on your own troubles.

REBECCA: Far too logical. You’re my number one priority here! Just do me a favor and stop all of this.

LAWRENCE: *I’m trying to Face*

[The Woolpack with Aaron and Adam]

ADAM: I still care about Vic but I’m in denial.

AARON: I knew you were still caught up in that. That’s why you didn’t want to go out on the pull last night after all.

ADAM: Yeah, well you’re in denial about how much you still care about Robert!

AARON: I’m not...in denial. Just cause we’re not together, doesn’t mean I want him messing up his life. In fact, I’m gonna go find him now, just to be sure. See ya. #SoNotOverIt

[The Cafe with Robert, Aaron, Rebecca, Victim and Bob]

BOB: Hey, I’m in Plotdale again! Brilliant! So, I hear the super hyped car crash happened yesterday. How was that?

VICTIM: Pretty lame. My food that I slaved over got destroyed, but they made it sound like I’d be on death’s door and all I got was a slightly sprained ankle. #Disappointing

BOB: What do you think got into Lawrence?

VICTIM: Don’t know, something with his medication probably.

ROBERT: That’s my cue to come over and overcompensate due to my role in the disappointing car crash. Can I pay for your danish?

VICTIM: I’m fine Robert and I’m totally not going to milk my injury like you did even though yesterday I was whining about it a lot. *limps away*

ROBERT: *Annoyed Face*

AARON: *Enters* *Holds door open for Victim*

ROBERT: *AARON!!! Face*

VICTIM: Now here’s a real gent!

ROBERT: *Heart Eyes* - I know - *Wait, he can’t see me caring, have to be indifferent Face* *Sits down with Rebecca* Sorry about that...actually #SorryNotSorry but go on…

REBECCA: No, I’m the one that should be sorry #Accurate I’m just unloading all of my problems on you because you’re the ONLY one I can turn to. If I didn’t have you, who would make all of my decisions? Anyway, I’m still super worried about my dad.

ROBERT: Well, I didn’t intend for him to be driving...er...while he’s on medication.

REBECCA: He shouldn’t be drinking on the medication either. I should really pour his brandy down the drain.

ROBERT: No! Don’t do that! I have a vested interest in that brandy...for Plot reasons.

AARON: Hey *Awkwardly swaying* *Rubs spot where ring used to be* (FANDOM: We see you Aaron!) Can we have a chat?

ROBERT: About what? Yesterday you were all cold and indifferent with me.

AARON: Well today I want to chat and we should do it in private.

ROBERT: *Forgets anyone else exists except Aaron* *Gets up as quickly as possible and follows Aaron*

*Meanwhile Jack Sugden’s headstone gets shot up by Chav!Aaron 2.0* #RobertWillProbablyNotReactToThisAtAll - but if he could he’d probably be very *Conflicted Face* about it.

[The Woolpack with Robert and Aaron in their booth...it's been too long]

AARON: Hey, I found this tiny blue Plot Pill in the drawer at work that I had no reason at all to look in.

ROBERT: It’s a prescription pill.

AARON: Yeah, I know, my googling powers are amazing. But they’re pretty strong. How long have you been taking them?

ROBERT: - Lie, always lie, that’s safest right? - Few weeks maybe? - That wasn’t a bad lie, little bit of truth in that. Haven’t been able to sleep for a few weeks. -

AARON: So...I know you too well, and you’re not the type to go to the doctor unless your leg is falling off or something–

ROBERT: Well while you were away my leg got stuck… and I went to the hospital then…

AARON: Well it’s not like you to take this kind of stuff either…

ROBERT: Well I don’t usually get dumped by the man I love #AreWeBackTogetherYet

AARON: *Concerned Face* - the Plot won’t stop me from caring -

ROBERT: You’re not the only who’s struggling Aaron. #SpeakingForTheFandom #Relatable #AreTheyBackTogetherYet

AARON: *Nods* #ThisPlotSucks

ROBERT: I’ve just had trouble sleeping lately, turning my brain off, you know. - Lies with some truth to them are easier -

AARON: I guess it’s been hard for both of us since the breakup (FANDOM: It’s been hard for all of us Aaron! #AreTheyBackTogetherYet)

ROBERT: Exactly! #Relatable This is why we should still be together. We’re better at working through things together than apart!

AARON: No, Robert, the Plot broke us up for a reason, even though I’m having trouble remembering what it is. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ROBERT: Without each other, we make really bad decisions, sort of like I am for the moment because the Plot doesn’t know what else to do with me. I can’t tell you what the bad decisions are right now, but this Plot Pill, it’s a cry for help! Maybe the Plot wants us to get back together! If we got back together, the Plot could focus on that instead of whatever the hell I’m up to this week.

AARON: No, Robert, it just shows how codependent we are, and while some of the fans like that, it’s probably not healthy. That’s why the Plot broke us up. I remember now. Look, I’m gonna text you the number of my counselor, because honestly, you have nearly as many issue as me and you’re just as bad at dealing with them. Maybe she can help you through this. #TooGoodForUsAll

ROBERT: *I probably should see that counselor because I’m a heartbroken mess without Aaron but I’ll just continue to self destruct Face*

[Home Farm with Rebecca and Lawrence]

REBECCA: Dad! I need help cause the Plot made me completely useless at literally anything to do with the business. Dad, wake up!

LAWRENCE: I’m up! I’m up! What do you want?

REBECCA: I thought you weren’t going to drink anymore.

LAWRENCE: I haven’t had any today, I swear!

REBECCA: But you’re tired all the time and the doctor said…

LAWRENCE: I don’t CARE!!! And we don’t care about doctors in this family! I don’t know what the Plot is trying to do to me but I hope it act fast. I’m barely hanging on anymore.

[The Woolpack with Robert, Rebecca and Charity]

CHARITY: Hey, thanks for not killing Sarah yesterday, otherwise we’d have to sue you.

REBECCA: Well you’re not great at looking after her either considering she’s whacking a tennis ball around the car park and breaking wing mirrors.

*Charity runs off as Robert enters*

ROBERT: Winding up Charity? Favorite pastime of mine too!

REBECCA: Have to do something to cheer myself up. Dad still wants to die and I still suck at the business and I’m this close to just walking away. (FANDOM: We won’t miss you...AT ALL)

ROBERT: So, what’s going on with Lawrence?

REBECCA: He’s in denial about his drinking and desperately wants out of the Plot. He’s a mess.

ROBERT: *Cogs Turning* I see, well then obviously, the logical step is to force him out of the business because he’s a liability. You and also me are lucky that nothing worse happened yesterday like it was predicted to. So, now you need to take over the business because then it would be way easier for me to get control. #MrShifty

*Robert sips his pint and gets beer foam on his upper lip and has to suck it off with his bottom lip* - for the fans (FANDOM: Again, we’ll take whatever we can get in the Hell Plot)

[The Cafe with Aaron and Victim]

VICTIM: What’s my brother done now? I really think so little of him.

AARON: No, he hasn’t done anything wrong, surprisingly. Well, at least nothing I know about. I probably should have seen our conversation earlier as the cry for help it was, but nah, the Plot didn’t want me to. Anyway, is he alright?

VICTIM: Well, he’s missing you, but normally I just tell him to forget about that because you and him are over and nothing matters anymore. So, mostly, I think he’s probably fine. Not that I would really know because all I keep doing is pushing him to be selfish and help Rebecca with literally EVERYTHING. Why are you asking?

AARON: Just...keep an eye on him for me...and the fans. We’re all worried about him and the Plot probably isn’t doing him any favors. He thinks he’s untouchable but I think he could do with someone to talk to about stuff and the Plot won’t let me be that person anymore, not that I ever really was because we were never able to have a #ActualConversation when we were together.

VICTIM: What’s brought this on? Like I keep telling Robert, you and him are over. Nothing matters anymore.

AARON: Well, I still care and he’s not coping as well as he’s making out. But again, the Plot won’t let me be the person who helps him. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTIM: *I guess maybe I could be a normal human for once Face*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Rebecca and Victim]

REBECCA: I can’t just exclude him from the business…

ROBERT: Ugh, are we still talking about this? He’s a liability. You have an obligation to take control...or you’ll lose it all...which you will anyway when I get you to do what I want so that I can take control. We’ve been through this.

REBECCA: Well, I did one thing on my own against your wishes. I got rid of his brandy.

ROBERT: *No! That was not part of the plan Face* *Think fast, think fast* Well, that was probably the RIGHT thing to do even if it doesn’t help me at all.

REBECCA: Well I should go. Thank for always being a friend Robert, even though I haven’t always been the best friend to you.

ROBERT: That’s okay, I’m not being a good friend to you right now either. But I’ll come help you with those invoices tomorrow. I’ll probably have come up with a new master plan by then. I’m supposed to be changing tactics tomorrow anyway.

VICTIM: *Limps over* Hey Rob, Aaron told me to keep an eye on you.

ROBERT: *Aaron still cares about me and yet I’m in the middle of being shifty and now I’m heartbroken and conflicted Face*

VICTIM: So you know, if there’s anything you want to talk to me about AT ALL, I’m here, at least in this moment, because I’m sure by tomorrow, I’ll be going on again about how you and Aaron are over and nothing matters. But for now, is there anything you want to talk about?

ROBERT: No. I’m totally and completely fine. I promise.

VICTIM: *Limps away*

ROBERT: *Totally not completely fine Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

Chapter Text

10 August 2017

[The Cafe with Rodney and Adam]

RODNEY: Ooh I’m in Plotdale! Bob’s right, this is great. Hey by the way, Jack Sugden’s grave got shot up by a bunch of kids yesterday. No really, this time it actually was ‘kids’.

ADAM: Oh no, I have to tell ALL of the Sugdens. *Runs off to tell Vic and Diane* (FANDOM: Hey wait a minute!)

[Home Farm with Robert, Rebecca and Lawrence]

ROBERT: Rebecca! We’ve been through this so many times at this point. I’m starting to question whether I even want to go through with this considering I’ve basically explained my evil plan to you multiple times and you still don’t get it. Is it even fun if it’s this easy? (PLOT: Yes, Robert it is. You’re having a great time being distracted from your heartbreak) Fine, apparently it’s worth it. And no, I won’t tell your dad I’m helping out.

REBECCA: Just explain it to me one more–

ROBERT: Rebecca! It’s fine! I’ve got this.

LAWRENCE: *Appears* I thought I heard your unpleasant tones…

ROBERT: *Aaron loves my voice...or at least he did before this stupid Plot Face*

REBECCA: *Oh no we’ve been caught, don’t take away my precious Robert who is totally not using me right now Face*

ROBERT: I’m just here to see how Rebecca is...because this is what my life has come to now that I don’t have Aaron #ThisPlotSucks

LAWRENCE: Well you know how much I love your company. At least scenes with you are interesting… #Shade

REBECCA: Ignore him. I’m awesome to share scenes with. It’s just now that his brandy is gone he’s super grumpy. *Sarcastic Voice* It’s great!

ROBERT: *I really couldn’t care less about you or any of this except that I have to figure out how to keep drugging him so I need to sort something out because the Plot wants me to be the villain this week and probably for a while because it hates me and doesn’t want me to be with Aaron Face*

LAWRENCE: I was only having one drink a day but now that he’s around I’m gonna need more.

REBECCA: But you JUST HAD AN ANEURYSM! *To Robert* Coffee?

ROBERT: Yeah...why not. Apparently I have nothing better to do. How come Aaron isn’t in this episode? #AreWeBackTogetherYe

*Rebecca leaves*

ROBERT: *Scheming Mode Activate*

LAWRENCE: What?

ROBERT: You know...she’s right. You really need to look after your health.

LAWRENCE: Oh Robert...do you really care? Scratch that...I know you don’t I can’t be fooled.

ROBERT: You’re right I don’t care. But, what if I did? What if everything has changed because of the baby? Yes, I’m using the word baby and it’s not being dragged out of me because apparently I can talk about it just fine when it’s part of a scheme and I attach no real feelings for it. This Plot would have to care about the baby AT ALL for me to even have feelings about it…

LAWRENCE: What if I told you to go drown yourself?

ROBERT: No, I’d only do that for Aaron #IMissThatSunkenCar #ThoseWereTheDays #AreWeBackTogetherYet But no, I’m serious, really! #StopLyingYouLiar I don’t want the Mother of my Child to lose her dad over a stupid bottle of brandy #YesIDo #MrShifty

LAWRENCE: That bottle was a gift from Ronnie before I ruined everything! Did Aaron get you anything?

ROBERT: No, but I think he stole my watch. Sentimental idiot. And, he came back. So...there’s still some hope. Anyway, I’m not sympathetic at all so sorry not sorry that it’s all gone. It’s for the best I suppose even if now I have to come up with a new plan.

LAWRENCE: Oh, so it’s you who have been whispering in Rebecca’s ear!

ROBERT: Well maybe you should listen to what she’s saying *Laughing internally*

LAWRENCE: Listen to what you’re saying to her you mean!

ROBERT: Obviously. You know Bex, she can’t make her own decisions. In any case, I STRONGLY suggest that you give up the drinking!

LAWRENCE: I’ll do what I want! And I never want to see you around here again! *Storms out*

ROBERT: *Smug Smirk because reverse psychology is way too easy with these people Face*

[The Woolpack Kitchen with Adam and Victoria]

ADAM: Hey are you alright about your dad’s gravestone getting damaged in the shooting stuff yesterday?

VICTORIA: Wait what?

ADAM: Oh I’m sorry babe, I thought someone would have told you. Oh hey, I’m still calling you babe even though you kind of hate me right now. #StillNotOverIt

VICTORIA: Oh no! I’m so upset!

ADAM: *tries to give her a hug*

VICTORIA: What are you doing Adam? We’re broken up and we’re still ignoring that Plot okay. I can’t be worried about our failed marriage Plot when this is going on alright? I have to go try and be useful now. Tell Charity. Bye!

ADAM: #StillNotOverIt #AreWeBackTogetherYet #BringBackOurPlot

[The Cafe with Robert, Rebecca and Lawrence]

LAWRENCE: *Charges in shouting* Stop behaving like a child! I’m a grown man! I can do whatever I want!

REBECCA: I’m acting like a child?! Look what he bought himself.

LAWRENCE: Got myself some brandy!

ROBERT: Oh, well done Lawrence. #ThisIsWayTooEasy

LAWRENCE: It’s just like the bottle Ronnie got me! And it’s no business of yours.

ROBERT: Oh I guess I’ll play along. This reverse psychology thing is a piece of cake. #DancePuppetsDance I’m just trying to help you Lawrence. We both are!

REBECCA: *What he said Face* - oh yeah, I don’t need any actual lines because Robert does all of my talking and decision making -

LAWRENCE: I’d have to be in a pretty desperate place to want your help. Pretty sure I’ve gotten to that place before… #RememberConnor

ROBERT: That Connor Plot was good fun for me. But now, now I really do care *Might as well have his fingers crossed behind his back* I’m just trying to support your daughter who I care nothing about, while she supports you, who I also care nothing about.

REBECCA: *Maybe there’s still hope for us yet Face*

ROBERT: Don’t make that face at me. But anyway, Lawrence, you REALLY need to lay off that stuff.

LAWRENCE: Ha! I don’t have to listen to either of you, mostly you Robert, because I know she doesn’t have any original thoughts. I’m just going to keep drinking to my heart’s content...or failure...whichever one comes first. Not like I care anymore! *Leaves*

REBECCA: *Sulky Face*

ROBERT: *Checks that no one is watching him* *Sips his coffee* *Well that went well Face* #ThisIsWayTooEasy

[The Cemetery with Diane, Victoria and a suspiciously absent Robert]

VICTORIA: How could they do this?

DIANE: Well...it’s not so bad?! *Shrug* We can get a new one. It was never going to stay pristine and perfect forever. #NeitherWasJack

VICTORIA: That’s not even the point. The point is that Adam tried to hug me and I wanted him to. I’m such a hypocrite Diane! Here I am telling Robert that he should just get over Aaron and go help out the woman who basically ruined his marriage that I’ve weirdly become super involved with and I’m still in love with Adam. What’s wrong with me? Still, even though I never once called Robert out on what he did or had any sympathy for Aaron, I can’t forgive Adam for doing something not even remotely as bad.

DIANE: Do you want to keep ignoring this Plot?

VICTORIA: Yeah I do.

*Hugs*

[The Woolpack with Robert, Victoria, Rebecca and Lawrence]

ROBERT: Oh thanks for letting me find out about my dad’s grave. I’m sure if I wasn’t supposed to use this for Plot reasons I could actually work on my *Conflicted Face* about it, because that would be the logical response from me. But instead, I’ll just throw money at the problem and since that isn’t the point of me finding out, you’ll just accept that right and not make any digs about me and money?

VICTORIA: *Nods* *Walks off* - At least I’m being a consistent hypocrite -

*Rebecca and Lawrence enter*

REBECCA: But DAAAD! He’s really trying! He’s such a good person helping us out!

LAWRENCE: We’re still talking about Robert right? Let me just give you a brief summary of his history in case you forgot or weren’t here yet #ThoseWereTheDays First, he flirted his way into my company. Then he betrayed my eldest daughter. Now he’s knocked up my youngest. And that’s leaving out the fake break ins and the accidental manslaughter that no one can prove and the leaving me for dead multiple times and that’s just the stuff I sort of know about! So I really don’t care that he’s trying. #NoStringsAttachedPuppet

*Robert wanders over* *Looks really amazing in this episode in his burgundy suit jacket and his white shirt* - for the fans because even though this Plot is the worst, the boys still look damn good while suffering through it -

LAWRENCE: Oh good, Robert’s back. Two orange juices, Charity.

ROBERT: Oh nice, gonna save the brandy for later then?

LAWRENCE: This has nothing to do with you. Remember when you weren’t in our Plots all the time. Can you just get back together with Aaron so you can leave us alone?

ROBERT: As much as I’d like that, the Plot won’t allow it right now. The Plot would however like me to meet this month’s quota for reminding the audience that this is still a Baby Plot! *Detached Scheming Mode Activate* *No Actual feelings about the Baby were had* So...your drinking has everything to do with Rebecca and the Baby.

LAWRENCE: Well I am so past caring about that Plot and I’m just going to keep on drinking.

REBECCA: Dad! He mentioned the baby willingly! This is a first. I’m still so in love with him even though he’s totally screwing me over right now. I love not being Plot Aware! #IgnoranceIsBliss

ROBERT: No, that’s okay. I’ve got another piece of emotional blackmail that I apparently feel nothing about because I’m in Detached Scheming Mode. Some thug took a chunk out of my dad’s headstone.

REBECCA: Oh no! I’m so sorry! You poor thing! I believe every word you say to me! #WhyDoesThePlotMakeMeSoStupid

ROBERT: Yeah, well, things like that, they really put things into perspective. At least your dad is above ground...for now.

LAWRENCE: *Not for long if I can help it Face*

ROBERT: And if you, like me to be honest, don’t care about Rebecca or the baby, then...well there’s nothing I can say.

LAWRENCE: You’re sure saying a lot for someone who has nothing to say!

ROBERT: I get that you hate me. I would hate me too if I were you. But then, you did help frame my brother so I don’t feel too bad even if everyone else has forgotten that. Anyway, let me try Vic’s tactic. BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY!

LAWRENCE: Nope, not working!

REBECCA: Can’t we all just get along!

ROBERT: *Oh good they hate each other Face* #ThisIsWayTooEasy

[Home Farm with Robert, Rebecca and Lawrence]

LAWRENCE: Oh, Robert, you’re still here.

ROBERT: I guess I should get going since...you know…

LAWRENCE: Actually I’ve had a miraculous change of heart. I totally bought your story about you being upset over your dad’s headstone and now I’ve decided to call a truce until the BABY is born. #StringsAttached #Puppet

ROBERT: Well...um...thanks? #ThisIsWayTooEasy

LAWRENCE: Don’t thank me. I have extremely valid reasons for hating you and I’m only going along with this because the Plot has promised me that my exit is near and that you being involved might speed up that process. So...I won’t stand in your way anymore. *Leaves*

ROBERT: Well...that was unbelievably easy. *Picks up brandy* Oh and now you can totally tell him that he’s allowed to have the brandy again. It fits into my ongoing plan. You know...the first one I had.

REBECCA: Well I’ll just go tell him how much his gesture is appreciated. It’s lovely that he’s not going to stand in the way of our happiness...er...I mean...whatever you and the Plot have going on.

ROBERT: Yeah...definitely the second one. Don’t let me stop you!

*Rebecca leaves*

ROBERT: *This is almost too easy Face* *Oh well I have nothing better to do until the Plot lets me get back with Aaron Face* *Get’s brandy* *Pulls out packet of emergency crushed sleeping pills* *Pours powder into brandy which is absolutely necessary in Robert’s PlotBrain even though it’s really not necessary at all because he’s already pulling all of the strings on his little Rebecca and Lawrence puppets* #IMissMyImpulseControl #AreWeBackTogetherYet

Chapter Text

23 August 2017

[Wishing Well with Aaron and Zak]

NOT SO SWEATY BOXING AARON: *Punch Punch Punch*

ZAK: Woah! Slow down!

NOT SO SWEATY BOXING AARON: *Punch Punch Punch*

ZAK: STOP!

NOT SO SWEATY BOXING AARON: *Peak Hair Alert* What? Why? We’ve only just started. I can’t even be called Sweaty Boxing Aaron yet!

ZAK: Sorry, the Plot’s decided I can’t train you anymore.

NOT SO SWEATY BOXING AARON: *The Plot is up to something Face*

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Adam, Zak, Victoria, Paddy and Charity]

ADAM: Hey Vic, I’m sorting out your dad’s headstone because I totally still want you back.

VICTORIA: Great! This is a nice continuation from when I cried about my feelings for you to Diane while I stared at it the other week. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

*Aaron and Zak enter*

ZAK: *Groans* *Laying it on thick for the Plot*

AARON: You sure it’s just the Plot?

ZAK: Yep, I’ll probably be fine. Just get me a pint. It’s the Dingle cure.

ADAM: Hey, I thought you had a boxing Side Plot?

AARON: Well not anymore maybe.

ZAK: Hey, that’s not what the Plot wants. I know! You should join a boxing gym! I’m sure this suggestion will not result in any problems for you at all.

PADDY: Hey, I’m on hand to point out that boxing is aggressive to remind the audience that you still have anger issues. Also to tell a quippy anecdote about tennis. Dangerous sport that. It’s out to get me.

AARON: Well...this isn’t a tennis Side Plot (Tennis Fans in the Fandom: But it could be!!!)

ZAK: Oh, I have an idea. You should go to my old gym in Hotten. I wonder if the Plot will still have it be open?

AARON: Sounds like the Plot wants me to check it out. We both could, eh Ad? Notice how I’m using your cute nickname more these days! - for the fans -

ADAM: Not really into being in a room full of sweaty men, thanks. (ACTOR ADAM: But imagine if I were! #Bartsy) I get all the exercise I need at work, you know when we bother to go. Actually, maybe we should go now. There are other Plots this episode needs to serve.

AARON: Fine, I suppose. Hey Ad, remember when we had a dog at the yard? It was more fun then. #JusticeForScrappy

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Adam, Victoria and Zak]

ADAM: Two pints please!

ZAK: You’ve been gone awhile? Did you actually do real work? I don’t know the meaning of the concept.

ADAM: Yeah, supposedly. Wasn’t important enough to the Plot to show it though.

ZAK: So did you look up that gym then?

AARON: Yep, checked it out online. Still exists. We’re gonna check it out tomorrow. Can’t wait to see what fresh hell the Plot has in store for me there.

VICTORIA: We?

ADAM: Yeah, so…I take my Aaron Sitting duties very seriously.

AARON: He’s only coming looking with me.

ADAM: Actually, I’m seeing an opportunity here. I’m interested in getting fit...for you.

VICTORIA: You already are fit...I mean...well… #AreWeBackTogetherYet

*Adam heads to get a table*

AARON: *Matchmaker Mode Activate* Hey I have an idea! Why don’t you come with us? You can see Adam in the ring and maybe if I push you and him back together, it’ll spur the Plot to get me and Robert back together too. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: Suppose…

AARON: Great! I have a feeling the Plot wants you there for some reason too…

Chapter Text

24 August 2017

[The Cafe with Aaron, Adam, Victoria and Bob]

VICTORIA: I'm part of a Boxing Side Plot so I'm drinking Kale. Also, I want to be Wonder Woman.

BOB: That's topical of you. You know, I want to be Wonder Woman too but mostly I'm just thrilled to once again find myself in Plotdale.

AARON: Come on Ad, carbs remind me of toast which reminds me of Robert so, no more carboloading. Let's get to that Boxing Side Plot of mine.

VICTORIA: Off to the gym?

ADAM: Yep, gonna do a whole bunch of super manly things there. I'm the manliest man there is but rest assured fans, I won't take it out on Aaron Dingle’s pretty face. *Cute tickling*

VICTORIA: Great, well I'll just go grab my stuff cause Aaron invited me for Plot reasons.

ADAM: *Casually Sexist Mode Activate* The gym isn't for girls.

VICTORIA: Lucky I'm a woman then.

BOB: Yeah she's Wonder Woman! Are we getting paid for all of this free DC advertising?

VICTORIA: That's right! Wonder Woman! You make every scene better Bob!

BOB: Hear that Plotdale?!

*Victoria leaves*

ADAM: Why does the Plot want you to invite her?

AARON: *Matchmaker Mode Activate* Look Ad, I know you've been mooching off my Hell Plot for a long time now but you do still have one of your own, remember? And if I can't be with Robert, at least I can get you two back together. Maybe it'll give the Plot a nudge in the right direction. And feel free to return the favor when the time comes.

ADAM: Oh, right! #AreWeBackTogetherYet

AARON: Well, no, but I'm sure as soon as you become SWEATY BOXING ADAM she'll come around in no time.

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Adam and Victoria]

(FANDOM: This could have been a great double date...just saying)

*Sweaty Workout Bartsy lifting weights* - for the fans

VICTORIA: Hey, this Plot is kind of boring. Is there anything else we can do? Ooh! I know! We can skip rope. I’m great at that.

ADAM: *Casually Sexist Mode Reactivate* Skipping rope is for girls and way beneath a manly man like me.

AARON: *Matchmaker Mode Still Activated* Ad! Shut up and stop ruining all my hard work.

VICTORIA: *Skips rope like a pro*

ADAM: *Completely fails at skipping rope*

*Aaron and Victoria laugh at Adam’s expense*

(FANDOM: Awww look at least he's smiling and happy. Can it end here?)

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Adam and Victoria]

*Bad Fake Boxing Alert*

VICTORIA: Come on Ads!

ADAM: Hey Aaron, I look like even more of an idiot than you. Can you just fall or something so Vic will think I'm manly and desirable?

AARON: I suppose if you can hit me, I'll go down.

ADAM: Great! You're a real pal. *Swings*

AARON: *Swerves* Psych!

ADAM: *Falls pitifully* Aaron! *Too loudly* that's not what you were supposed to do!

AARON: Sorry, still my Side Plot, can't look as sad as you.

VICTORIA: What? That was a set up? It wasn't even a good one. You're so lame Adam!

[Plot Gym with Aaron and Adam]

*Touching Bartsy Scene Alert*

AARON: *Casually checks out random man in towel* (FANDOM: Nice one Aaron. Now how come guys aren't checking you out and hitting on you all the time? And how come you rarely check Robert out like that? And on that note, why are you not back together yet? We're all bored.)

ADAM: Aaron I'm so pathetic. How am I ever going to get Vic back now?

AARON: *Matchmaking Pep Talk Mode Activate* The Plot assures me that if you just be yourself you'll get her back. But don't be all the shitty parts of yourself. Only the good parts. And definitely no cheating. Real Plot killer, that one. Learned that the hard way.

ADAM: Thanks bro. You're the best.

AARON: I know. And hey, you two are too great together to let the Plot destroy you.

ADAM: *Hopeful face* Yeah?

AARON: Yeah. *Sniffs* But go take a shower before you talk to her again. You stink.

*Adam leaves*

AARON: *Wistful I was totally talking about Robert and I just then with that whole don't let the Plot destroy greatness thing, wasn't I Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Adam, Victoria and Jason (FANDOM: Come on. We could have just left this part out.)]

ADAM: So...just be myself. That shouldn't be too hard. I'm not usually too out of character. *Sees Victoria working out with some other guy* Aaron, I thought you said the Plot wanted me and Vic back together? Do you think I can take him?

AARON: *Sees that it's Jason* *Plot why have you done this to me Face* #BetrayedByThePlot

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Adam, Victoria and Jason]

*Jason touches Victoria. Jason makes Victoria touch his muscles*

*Aaron and Adam seethe...for different reasons*

ADAM: What is it bro?

AARON: *It’s the fucking Plot Face* *Goes over and manhandles Victoria away from Jason* Come on Vic, time to go!

JASON: Livesy!

AARON: For the last time, I legally changed my name to Dingle. It was a great episode. Robert did a cute impression in the morning and I drank out of a welly...we’ll just forget about the letter burning and what not. The point is...keep up!

JASON: I’m kind of an anti so I avoid your scenes when I’m not in them. *glances at Vic* So it’s been firmly established that you’re gay and I’m a homophobic asshole, so I know she’s not your bird unless you misunderstood the ‘going straight’ thing. I’m jason by the way.

VICTORIA: Jason as in…

ADAM: Jason from your Prison Plot?

AARON: *Nods* *I’m glad you’ve both been briefed on my past Plots since I’m not sure when I told you Face*

JASON: Aww you’ve been talking about me. That’s nice of the Plot to keep me relevant until I returned. *Turns to Adam* Is this your new bloke then? What happened to blondie? (PLOT: About that…) (FANDOM: #FuckThisPlot)

ADAM: (ACTOR ADAM: Unfortunately I’m not his new boyfriend) Not his boyfriend, but I’m am his best mate. *Casual Threatening Mode Activate* Now listen mate, if you–

VICTORIA: Oh you two are both pathetic and Adam, Robert would be way better at threatening than you. It’s a shame the Plot has ruined that. Yeah, that’s right, I’m making a proper come back here. I care about Aaron and I’m standing up for him! What a concept!

JASON: But we were getting on so well, darling!

VICTORIA: Do NOT call me DARLING!

JASON: *Casual homophobic remark*

VICTORIA: Oh you did not just make a casual homophobic remark! I will not stand for this!

JASON: *Compares people to dogs*

ADAM: Hey, don’t remind him that he really wants a dog...or the fans want him to have a dog! #RIPClyde #JusticeForScrappy

VICTORIA: Yeah, you’re the one who looks like a dog!

ADAM: Okay come on Vic, we’ve angered him enough. *Drags Victoria away*

VICTORIA: Oh no I’m not done yet! I have to get in all of my #AaronDefense while the Plot allows! If you lay one finger on him!

AARON: Thanks Vic. Means a lot you still care, but I’ve got this.

JASON: You gonna throw a punch?

AARON: No, I’m trying to fight against my aggressive tendencies while the Plot allows.

JASON: What, seriously? Hey, remember when Cain briefly made an appearance in this Plot. That was fun.

AARON: Just walk away.

JASON: Do you remember what happened in your Prison Plot when you got lippy?

AARON: Unfortunately, but I’m not scared of you anymore.

JASON: Yes you are, you probably have nightmares about me all the time. *Makes casual homophobic remark*

AARON: You are so boring. (FANDOM: Yes, can we move on from this Side Plot now? #AreTheyBackTogetherYet) You know, I think you’re the one laying awake at night thinking of me, because why wouldn’t you? I’m a #TopBloke But I bet they aren’t nightmares. *Camp Gay Voice* They’re fantasies.

JASON: *Insecure about his masculinity Face* You make me sick!

AARON: Well we have that in common. (FANDOM: We all do!)

JASON: Is that all you got?

AARON: What, you want more of me? You’re gonna have to get in line though...the only thing that’s stopping Robert is the Plot. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

*Convenient Staff come and intervene, dragging Jason away*

JASON: Come on! Do something! *Seriously insecure about his masculinity Face*

AARON: *Laughing* *I’m awesome Face* See ya! Take care, mate! (FANDOM: That was great! Can it please end there?)

[The Shop with Aaron, Adam and Victoria]

VICTORIA: Ugh, I feel gross. I can’t believe the Plot used me like that! At least when it forces me to care about Rebecca, I don’t have to be groped by gross homophobic men.

AARON: *Broods*

ADAM: Don’t go broody. You handled yourself really well. I’m sure the fans were proud. (FANDOM: Yep!)

VICTORIA: I can’t believe you were locked up with him and now you’re both conveniently out at the same time, still running into each other.

ADAM: Yeah...and it’s too bad this Boxing Side Plot has come to an end now. I’m sure with some practice, I could have been at least passable.

AARON: Hold up, bro! This Boxing Side Plot is totally not over. (FANDOM: But why?) I’m going back to the Plot Gym. I will not let Jason run my life like during that really short stint in prison that got cut short for the Hell Plot. Besides, the magazines have been seriously hyping this fight we’re going to have. Then again, they’ve been hyping a lot of stuff lately and that’s all turned out to be super underwhelming, so who knows how this will go?! #IFuckingHateThisPlot #IMissRobert #AreWeBackTogetherYet

Chapter Text

25 August 2017

[The Cafe with Aaron, Adam and Zak]

ZAK: *Oblivious to the Plot Mode* Hey how was my old gym? You joining up?

ADAM: Nope. It has an unfortunate Plot Device problem. We're going to look at less Plotty Gyms.

AARON: Uhh no we’re not. I like this gym because...Plot.

ZAK: Am I missing some piece of the Plot puzzle?

ADAM: Yep. There's this guy from his Prison Plot that goes there too and it can only cause problems.

AARON: Well too bad, we’re going back because I'm not going to let the Plot push me around.

ADAM: Fine but you know you're only doing what the Plot wants right?

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Adam and Jason]

JASON: *exists*

ADAM: Come on let's go somewhere less Plotty. This is just getting boring.

AARON: Sorry. The Hell Plot needs filler before it can get Robert and I back together so we're staying. Let's just go work on the bags.

*other guy is working on the bags*

AARON: Okay...how about the weights.

JASON: There's room in the ring with me!

ADAM: Last chance?

AARON: The Plot literally won't let me leave. #IFuckingHateThisPlot #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Adam and Jason]

ADAM: *Still failing at boxing. This time on the speed bag*

AARON: *Gratuitous display of arms* *Fan Baiting Alert* (FANDOM: Yes this is literally the only reason we're still watching) You're legitimately hopeless. Let me show you how it's done.

JASON: *Exists* *is homophobic*

AARON: *Is appropriately riled*

ADAM: He may be homophobic but I'm Plotphobic so let's go.

[Plot Gym with Aaron and Adam]

ADAM: The only reason I agreed to be part of this Filler Plot is to fill out my muscles to impress Vic but clearly that's not happening. Look can we please find a less Plotty gym next week?

AARON: *Is Still Riled* *Fingers crossed behind back* Fine.

ADAM: You still look riled. Why don't you run back to the village and I'll sort out Plot things here.

AARON: I like running so I'll go, but I thought you were Plotphobic. And let’s get a pint late.

ADAM: Now that is my kind of workout.

*Cute tickling* (FANDOM: Remember when Robert used to tickle him. #AreTheyBackTogetherYet)

AARON: *Hair Protection Mode Activate*

[Plot Gym with Adam and Jason]

PLOT: *Shows Jason dealing drugs* (FANDOM: Will this mean something?)

ADAM: *Captain Obvious Mode Activate* Aaron is not in this scene.

JASON: Great. Like I said yesterday, I'm an anti.

ADAM: I wanted a Plot but I don't think I'm gonna like where this one goes. *Pitifully tries to punch Jason and hits only air* #HopelesslyNoble #NedStarkAward

JASON: *Actually punches Adam* Oh and I have witnesses that will say this was a super fair fight. Soz.

ADAM: *Lays there pitifully*

[The Woolpack Kitchen with Adam, Zak and Victoria]

ZAK: *Brings beat up Adam into the kitchen*

VICTORIA: Oh my god! What the Plot happened to you?

ADAM: I stupidly tried to punch Jason because the Plot wanted me to.

VICTORIA: Well you should go to the hospital. Medical professionals have been on short supply lately but I hear they do great work off screen!

ADAM: No, I want you to fix it so you’ll be forced to care about me, I mean take care of me. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: *Attempts to patch him up* Well that’s the best I can do. I’ll check on you later. *Plot Achievement Unlocked*

ADAM: Oh...and I got mugged. We must not let Aaron be Plot Aware.

ZAK: Fine…

VICTORIA: I don’t like this, but okay.

[Outside The Woolpack with Aaron and Adam]

AARON: Hey Ad! Ready for that drink?

ADAM: *Looks up*

AARON: What the Plot happened?

ADAM: No Aaron, it wasn’t the Plot, I swear. I just got mugged.

AARON: You must think I’m a mug if you think I’m going to believe that. This was clearly Jason. The Plot wants me to go after him.

ADAM: But he’s mad and the Plot only wants to hurt you!

AARON: I can be mad too. And every day I slog through this Filler Plot, is one day closer to me getting my #AlmostQuiteFitHusband back. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

Chapter Text

28 August 2017

[Outside The Mill with Aaron, Adam, Zak, Sam and Robert]

ADAM: Aaron, don’t do the thing!

AARON: The Plot literally requires me to do the thing Adam.

SAM: Not that anyone cares about my opinion, but I think you should do the thing.

ZAK: But Liv is really tired of hanging with her Plot Device of a mother and wants to come back, but she won’t be able to if you’re still dealing with this Plot. (FANDOM: Bring Liv back now!!!)

AARON: Exactly why I need to go and escalate this further so we can get this Plot moving. The faster it goes, the sooner it’s over! #IFuckingHateThisPlot

(Aaron speeds off in his car)

ROBERT: What the Plot has happened?

ADAM: It’s not what has happened, it’s what the Plot still has planned.

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Jason, Adam, Victoria, Robert, Zak and Sam]

AARON: *Does the thing because...Plot*

JASON: *Continues to be homophobic and terrible* Are you sure you really want to be doing the thing?

AARON: Definitely.

ROBERT: Aaron stop!

AARON: Okay, but only cause the scene cuts here.

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Jason, Adam, Victoria, Robert, Zak and Sam]

ROBERT: Look, I actually care about Adam’s face for the purposes of this Filler Plot of yours and I don’t want your face to end up like his because I enjoy gazing at it too much from afar these days so, please don’t do the thing.

AARON: Robert, we’re not even together. Why are you here? Do you really think I care what you have to say about my Filler Plot?

ROBERT: Well, I’m Plotbecca free for a couple days and I probably shouldn’t have come but despite the Plot, I love you so much Aaron and I’m literally just living for the day the Plot decides to put us back together because I’ll never ever ever stop caring about you no matter how much the Plot tries to distract me with petty villainy.

AARON: You still care? *Heart Eyes* Wait, no...I don’t care. I broke up with you. I have absolutely no feelings toward you at all. I just really want to do the thing. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

JASON: How was the A&E Adam? Did you get a lollipop?

SAM: *Is confused*

JASON: *Insults Sam Dingle* (EVERYONE EVER: How dare you!!!!?)

ADAM: Didn’t get a lollipop but I got Vic to pay attention to me.

JASON: *Is sexist*

VICTORIA: Adam is slightly less sexist and definitely less awful than you! #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ZAK: If I was a few years younger, I would totally be doing the thing right now too.

JASON: *Laughs* *Continues to exist*

AARON: I’m ready to do the thing again!

VICTORIA: He’s really not worth it Aaron. I know I’m a slave to the Plot, but maybe you don’t have to be.

AARON: Nope, I know how Plot works.

JASON: Well let’s at least make this a pretend legal thing so neither of us get sent back to a Prison Plot, because if it’s just me, it certainly won’t get shown and I’m enjoying this gig.

AARON: Great, let’s do it tomorrow so we can get this Filler Plot over with once and for all.

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Adam, Zak, Sam, Victoria and Robert]

ZAK: No really, Aaron, please don’t do the thing! You have nothing to prove. There’s literally no point to this Filler Plot.

AARON: Doesn’t matter, has to be done. Can we go train now?

ZAK: Sure, Sam will help you.

SAM: Please don’t hit me.

*Aaron, Adam, Zak and Sam leave*

ROBERT AND VICTORIA: *Concerned Face*

[Plot Gym with Robert and Jason]

JASON: *Dealing drugs in shadows*

(FANDOM: When will this become relevant?)

JASON: Have you come here to do the thing as well? This should be fun.

ROBERT: Nope. I’ve come here to throw money at my problems because this is definitely my problem even though the Plot broke us up. Money totally solves everything. It’s never been a problem between Aaron and I before. Never. Really. I don’t even believe what I’m saying. Am I really this stupid Plot? Or am I just this scared for him and this is all I can think of and I somehow missed Jason dealing drugs in the middle of the Plot Gym? I’m going to choose to go with the latter because it suits me better. Haha. Suit...Get it? You know the fans love me in this jacket. (FANDOM: We really do. Thanks for looking pretty while you do dumb Plot things) Anyway, I’m going to pay you to cancel the fight.

JASON: Alright, I’ll play along. *Punches things to display his masculinity* How much is lover boy’s pretty face worth to you?

ROBERT: I told you, the Plot broke us up, but I do still really love his pretty pretty face so...2 grand?

JASON: Hmm...yeah...that’s gonna get you nowhere. This Filler Plot requires more of a commitment than that. How about 5 grand?

ROBERT: Oh what the Plot, I’ve already spent an absurd amount of money on Aaron related things, why not a bit more?

JASON: I’m glad we understand the Plot.

[Wishing Well with Aaron, Adam, Zak and Sam]

AARON: *Punch Punch Punch*

ADAM AND ZAK: Punch harder!

SAM: Stop punching so hard!

AARON: *Punches more*

[Plot Gym with Robert and Jason]

JASON: Oh good you’ve got my money.

ROBERT: Yep, now you can cancel the fight. Just don’t tell Aaron I was a part of this. He really doesn’t like when I use money to solve problems.

JASON: *Is homophobic*

ROBERT: *Your homophobia totally doesn’t bother me at all and I’m still gonna try and act tough Face*

JASON: *Grabs Robert’s face*

(FANDOM: Please don’t touch him!)

ROBERT: *Avoids eye contact* *Terrified Face*

JASON: Yeah, so thanks for the cash. This just makes me want to beat him up more. Gonna send him home in a body bag. *Shoves Robert’s face away*

ROBERT: *Fucking Terrified Face* - But! But money! We agreed! If I don’t have money I have nothing, especially since the Plot has taken Aaron from me even though it keeps shoving us in each other’s orbits anyway. - #AreWeDoneWithFillerPlotsYet #AreWeBackTogetherYet

JASON: Ta Ra! #GordonFlashbacks #IsHeGoneYet

Chapter Text

29 August 2017

[Outside the Garage with Robert and Cain]

ROBERT: Cain! Finally!

CAIN: What do you want Sugden?

ROBERT: I want to catch you up on Aaron’s Boxing Filler Plot.

CAIN: Why should I care?

ROBERT: Because for one, it’s transitioned from a Side Plot to Filler Plot, yes that’s a thing. And we really just need to end it as soon as possible. But anyway, Aaron’s decided that the Plot wants him to fight that Jason guy from the Prison Plot and that’s just #NotOkay and really not on message considering his Prison Plot came after assault charges.

CAIN: Right...and what do you want me to do about it?

ROBERT: Well, you’re my last hope since the show has completely forgotten that Paddy has ever had a vested interest in Aaron, aside from that one time he saw me at the bar and made a snide, super hypocritical comment to me to increase my misery.

CAIN: I’m touched.

[Outside in the Village with Robert, Lawrence and Rebecca]

LAWRENCE: Hey, I’m still feeling sleepy all the time, no idea why, but I’ve dragged myself here to reenact the same scene we’ve done a thousand times already.

ROBERT: Great! And here’s Rebecca to play her usual part. No one missed her, but here she is with her best *Upset Face*, possibly now with an actual bump but I couldn’t really care less about that, unless she asks, then I totally care…for my own purposes, which means not at all. Really, I’m just waiting for Aaron to walk by. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

REBECCA: *Upset Face* I’m upset and worried about you Dad!

LAWRENCE: Why?

REBECCA: Because today is all about reestablishing this unbelievably pointless Filler Plot of Robert’s while Aaron’s Filler Plot comes to its climax.

LAWRENCE: I just want to be left alone to dream about my exit.

REBECCA: Don’t leave me alone with these people!

ROBERT: Hey, Aaron’s walking by which is my sole purpose for being here but I still need to convince you that I care, so...are you okay?

REBECCA: Guess I have to be.

[Outside the Mill with Robert, Aaron and Cain]

AARON: *Oh nice you’re talking to Rebecca. Thanks for reminding me why we broke up Face*

ROBERT: Nevermind her, I’m here to once again stop you from doing the thing.

AARON: Change the record Robert. I’m still going to do the thing.

ROBERT: Well, then we’ll have to do this the hard way.

AARON: *Huh? Face*

CAIN: *Dramatic Reveal*

AARON: *Seriously Face*

ROBERT: *Serious Eyebrow Raise*

[Outside the Mill with Robert, Aaron and Cain]

ROBERT: Please don’t do the thing, Aaron. - How many times can we do this same scene? -

AARON: I’m still going to do the thing, we’ve covered this. #Dejavu

CAIN: Oddly enough, I agree with Robert. Please don’t do the thing.

AARON: My Prison Plot really sucked and this is payback for that.

ROBERT: I know your Prison Plot was awful and got cut short and now you and the Plot think that this is a quick fix for all of that but trust me–

AARON: Oh, I tried that and now we’re stuck in this Hell Plot.

ROBERT: Fair point. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

CAIN: Look, you don’t have to do the thing.

AARON: You would do the thing, Cain.

CAIN: Yeah, but I often regret doing the thing.

AARON: Well, I’m still going to do the thing. None of these repetitive scenes will convince me otherwise.

CAIN: *Nods*

AARON: *Leaves*

ROBERT: Brilliant. Now I’m gonna have to watch him do the thing.

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Robert, Adam, Zak, Sam, Cain and Jason]

ADAM: This thing is going to go badly isn’t it?

ZAK: Probably. Let’s just try and make sure he gets through this in one piece.

*Aaron and Robert enter together*

(FANDOM: Did they drive together? Why couldn’t we have seen that awkward car ride?)

AARON: *Confident Face*

JASON: Lover Boy threw money at your problem.

AARON: *Angry Face* Please tell me you didn’t? Why won’t you ever learn?

ROBERT: It’s the only thing the Plot will ever let me do Aaron! And it totally backfired this time. Sorry.

AARON: Why won’t the Plot let us actually separate during this separation? #AreWeBackTogetherYet

JASON: Why aren’t you back together yet? Just kiss and make up boys!

(FANDOM: This is literally the only thing we will ever agree with you on, Jason)

AARON: Right, I don’t care what any of you say, I’m going to do the thing now!

[The Woolpack with Victoria and Faith]

VICTORIA: *Stares at phone* Haven’t heard from Adam yet though I’m really glad Aaron’s Filler Plot has got us texting again. It’s also made me return to normal mostly. It’s been a great break. Do you think it’s possible Robert got Aaron not to do the thing?

FAITH: *Hangover Face* Probably not. We Dingles are famous for doing the thing, whatever thing gets us most in trouble.

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Robert, Adam, Zak, Cain, Sam and Jason]

AARON: *Getting Psyched Up To Do The Thing Face*

ZAK: *Giving boxing tips as if it matters*

ROBERT: *I hate all of this Face* Aaron, you still don’t have to do the thing.

AARON: For the last time! I’M DOING THE THING!

CAIN: Well, then, go do the thing. We’re all behind you.

ROBERT: Yeah, fine, but I really don’t like it and I swear it’s not on message.

JASON: Are we doing the thing or what?

AARON: *Gets into the ring*

[Plot Gym with Aaron, Robert, Adam, Zak, Cain, Sam and Jason]

*Bad Pretend Boxing Alert*

JASON: You’re not doing a very good job of doing the thing!

AARON: *Looks at the guy in Jason’s corner texting on his phone and not paying attention because he’s just as bored as the fans are* *Sudden Revelation Mode Activate* Hey! I don’t have to do the thing!

JASON: Wait...what? I was assured that the thing was going to happen.

AARON: Yeah, well it turns out that it’s more important for me to not do the thing because the thing is what got me into the Prison Plot in the first place. So...do us a favor and just stand there while I tell you what a sad, pathetic person you are and make some insinuations about your potential backstory that the fans absolutely don’t want you to have.

JASON: I can’t believe I just stood there and listened to all that. It seems really out of character for me based on the Prison Plot but whatever. The things we do for Plot. Still, I think I need to get at least one shot in here to save face for this hyped up fight of ours. *Punches Aaron in the stomach*

AARON: *Falls*

AARON DINGLE DEFENSE SQUAD: Aaron!!

AARON: No, it’s okay. This is more the Jason from the Prison Plot, I guess, the Jason everyone hates. I don’t hate you though. I just pity you. And now I’m going to walk away, which I should have just done in the first place but the Filler Plot was trying really hard to be dramatic and meaningful and while it may have fallen a bit short, it’s still #OnMessage so there we go. *Gets out of the ring*

JASON: But what about the thing?!?!

AARON: Sorry, I just really hope this is over now. Everyone is tired of this Filler Plot already. Oh hey Robert. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[The Woolpack with Robert and Victoria]

VICTORIA: So, did Aaron end up doing the thing?

ROBERT: Nope, he did what the Plot wanted all along and he walked away. I think his Filler Plot might just be over.

*Rebecca walks in*

VICTORIA: Oh no, I feel my proper characterization slipping again. Have you been crying? Why do I suddenly care? I don’t want to care. I want to go back to texting with Adam and watching him pitifully try to skip rope.

ROBERT: Sorry, I guess when Aaron’s Filler Plot ends, mine starts up again. *Manipulative Rebecca Voice* Bex?

REBECCA: It’s time to do the scene again.

[The Mill with Aaron, Adam and Jason]

ADAM: Hey, I’m proud of you for not doing the thing. Must have felt good.

AARON: *Shrug* I guess. At least I’m not heading into another Prison Plot, but I can’t help feeling like I needed better closure than that.

*Knock Knock Knock*

ADAM: Oh look it’s Jason, here for some more Filler Plot closure.

JASON: *Drunk and Homophobic Mode Never Switched Off*

AARON: Great...I guess I’ll go let him in.

[The Woolpack Back Room with Robert, Rebecca and Victoria]

REBECCA: Yep, it’s Dad again. I’m still worried about him.

ROBERT: Well, I know he hasn’t been doing well since I’m, you know...drugging him. I should be doing more to help, like drugging him more and plotting how to swindle the business away from you.

REBECCA: You’ve done so much already Robert and for some reason I think it’s all been good, helpful things cause I’m apparently an extremely gullible idiot with nice braided hair.

VICTORIA: Is he not any better after the aneurism?

REBECCA: How should I know? I’m clearly clueless about everything.

ROBERT: It’s okay, I’ve got this. He’s clearly just feeling down because everyone is leaving him. You should also leave him. It would make everyone happy.

REBECCA: At this point, I might as well not even be here.

ROBERT: Yeah, but first get a solicitor so that you can take over the business that Lawrence doesn’t care about since I’m drugging him. Then it will be easier for me to get my hands on when you leave.

VICTORIA: Ummm...what about a medical professional if Lawrence is still poorly?

REBECCA: Why didn’t I think of that? Oh that’s right, it’s because I’ve never seen one before.

ROBERT: Why start now? I’ll talk to Lawrence instead, so that no one figures out my completely pointless scheme. #ThingsIDoWhenIMissAaron #AreWeBackTogetherYet

REBECCA: *Nods dumbly* Of course, Robert, whatever you say. I have no original thoughts in my head. But in case that doesn’t work, I’m totally going to try that nifty medical professional thing that Vic suggested.

ROBERT: *Panicked Face*

[The Mill with Aaron, Adam and Jason]

JASON: No one walks away from doing the thing with me...wait…

ADAM: Go home!

AARON: No, I got this. I need my closure for this Filler Plot. You go on.

ADAM: *Leaves*

JASON: *Continues to be a drunk, homophobic waste of space* *Tries to have a moment of backstory*

(FANDOM: We still don’t care)

AARON: Right, here’s my big closure moment. You can’t bully me anymore. Nothing you can say matters. Somehow, one almost boxing match, has allowed me to get over everything you did to me in prison and now I’m totally done with you. I’m probably still in counseling too, but shh we don’t talk about that. In any case, I’m good now. *Grabs Jason and shoves him toward the door*

JASON: Get your hands off of me!

AARON: With pleasure. I never want to see you or this Filler Plot again. *Door Slams* *Proud of myself Face*

[The Cafe with Robert, Rebecca and Lawrence]

LAWRENCE: *Blatantly pouring alcohol into his coffee* *Just wants out of this Plot Face*

REBECCA: I can’t believe we’re doing this scene again, but here we are.

ROBERT: Honestly, I’m having a hard time coming up with new ways of manipulating you. The fans must be seriously bored by now.

(FANDOM: You have no idea)

ROBERT: Look, he’s clearly losing it. We just need to keep an eye on him.

REBECCA: But if he has a drinking problem?

ROBERT: Yes, but I want him to keep having that drinking problem. But I’ll talk to him. We’ll get through this. I mean that with all my fake sincerity. But we’re not going to make a scene here. Can’t have people talking. If they’re talking, someone more intelligent than you might find me out. Laurel’s been playing detective lately. I certainly wouldn’t want to get on her bad side.

[Outside the Mill with Jason and Cain]

JASON: I don’t care that Aaron got closure. I’m still gonna stand around drunk outside his house.

CAIN: I don’t think so. *Punches him in the face*

(FANDOM: Please let the Filler Plot be over now!!!)

Chapter Text

30 August 2017

[Outside in the Village with Aaron, Sheep, Maybe Cute Farmer, A Dog...oh and Jason in a graveyard where he should probably have just stayed]

*Gratuitous shot of Aaron running from behind in his new sweat pants* - for the fans -

SHEEP: Baaaa! We’re in the way but we’re cute and fluffy so we’re allowed. Baaaa! #ClassicVillageLife

MAYBE CUTE FARMER: *Whistles* Don’t mind us. Me, my sheep and my dog will be out of your way soon.

AARON: *Stares* Okay...wait...what’s that in the graveyard? Is that my Filler Plot coming back to haunt me already?

JASON: *Beaten and Broken*

(FANDOM: Sorry, not enough)

AARON: What happened? Why are you here? I swear I got enough closure yesterday.

JASON: Well apparently your Filler Plot thought you needed more because it had Cain beat me up.

AARON: *Sighs* Well, I’m turning into the most forgiving person ever, even though I still hate Rebecca and her baby, but that’s totally justified. Anyway, come on back to mine so I can get whatever closure the Filler Plot still thinks I need.

[Home Farm with Rebecca, Finn and Robert]

REBECCA: *On the phone* I’m sorry Mr. Important Client Sir...I’m just a Plot Device. I don’t have any agency or business skills. I’m just a womb or a prop. I can’t possibly be expected to have things like important files on hand…

FINN: Nope, the Plot won’t let me find the file. Your filing system sucks.

REBECCA: Oops, there goes another Important Client. I’m such a miserable failure. Why does the Plot hate me so much?

FINN: Is the business really doing that bad?

ROBERT: *Enters* No...everything will be fine. Get out Finn, go make us some tea. I can’t have anyone with even a shred of intelligence around for this next part. There’s a good PA.

*Finn leaves*

ROBERT: *Manipulative Rebecca Voice* Are you okay?

REBECCA: No! It’s time to have the conversation again. *Worried about Dad chat number 62 commences*

ROBERT: *Manipulative Rebecca Voice* There there, it’ll be okay. I’ll have a chat with him, give him some tough love. I’m sure we’ll both enjoy that.

REBECCA: Okay, but if that doesn’t work I’m probably going to continue to play right into your hand.

ROBERT: *As it should be Face*

[The Mill with Aaron and Jason]

AARON: Here’s some peas for your face. Now about this closure the Filler Plot thinks I need? Are we really going to have this conversation again? I swear we had it twice yesterday. Maybe now I can really start competing in this challenge of Robert’s and mine to see who can have the most repetitive scenes in their Filler Plots. Right...let’s do this.

JASON: Don’t think this changes anything.

AARON: Of course it doesn’t. The fans all think you’re scum and don’t want you in the same room with me let alone allowed any kind of redemption. Except those strange ones who want the Plot to Karofsky you and make you secretly gay, but let’s just say right now that that’s not going to happen. In any case, let’s go over this again. You’re still horrible and I’m still not afraid of you and you have no effect on me anymore. I have too much to lose now to go down that route again.

JASON: What? All these pictures on the wall?

AARON: Actually there are a lot less pictures now that I took down all of my wedding photos and any picture that had Robert in it.

JASON: Right...so what? You think that weird vespa chair by your Spiral Staircase of Doom makes you special?

AARON: Yeah...Robert picked that out. It’s a bit weird innit? Ah well, the Plot may not be giving me him right now, but at least I still have all of his decor to make heart eyes at even though it’s all pretty terrible. Anyway, I was talking about the people who care about me. I messed everything up for everyone when I punched that Plot Device and got banged up and sucked into that Prison Plot. #IMissRobert #AreWeBackTogetherYet I’m not going to go there again.

JASON: Yeah, but underneath all this, you’re totally a junkie. We were involved in a Drugs Plot together.

AARON: Yeah, but you and the Prison Plot did that to me. You tortured me and forced me to relive my most painful memories all so the Plot could get me on drugs so that I would push Robert away so that he could cheat on me and get the Walking Womb Plot Device in a Hat pregnant! And this, this whole Filler Plot is just so the Main Plot can pat itself on the back and say that they didn’t drop the Prison Plot completely even though that’s a blatant lie and nothing that’s happening in this Filler Plot really makes up for that. Anyway, you have no power over me and I am totally better than you cause I’m a #TopBloke.

[The Cafe with Robert, Lawrence, Bob, Rodney, Emma and Cain]

LAWRENCE: *Sleepy Disgruntled Mode Activate* Where are my sausages!?!

BOB: I’m trying my best but Brenda has been in Canada literally FOREVER. Oh, Rodney, Eric is going to that auction you’re holding the brochure for too. Let me just tell you his secret plans so that you can screw him over later.

RODNEY: Great! Thanks. *Leaves*

CAIN: Can I order? I’m actually being allowed to have scenes at my place of work later and I need fuel.

BOB: I really am trying, but it’s very busy.

EMMA: I’m back to being super nice to everyone so that no one thinks I’m guilty of anything. Also the Plot wants to rile Laurel up, so I can totally help you Bob.

BOB: This is probably a bad idea but okay. Go check on Lawrence’s precious sausages.

ROBERT: *Enters*

LAWRENCE: Oh, Robert. Let me guess, we’re going to have the same conversation again?

ROBERT: Yep, I think I can count this as number 63 in my competition with Aaron. It’s too easy with people as dense as you and Rebecca.

LAWRENCE: Save your breath. I’m not listening. I’m fine.

ROBERT: Okay, I believe you.

LAWRENCE: Wait? That’s it? You’re not going to try and make me see a medical professional?

ROBERT: Of course not! If you did, then my scheme would be discovered. Can’t have that! In fact, I’ll continue to talk Rebecca around so she doesn’t force you to see one either.

LAWRENCE: Oh, well great then.

[Outside the Mill with Aaron and Jason]

AARON: Right, well, I hope you’re really leaving this time. As much as I’d love to beat Robert in this repetitive conversation thing, I’m really tired of having to talk to you. Oh and apparently the Plot would like me to relate your issues with mine to help you get past them, because all abuse survivors should have to have these kinds of sympathetic chats with their abusers. #OnMessage Oh and, really, thanks for being so out of character and standing there and listening to this speech four times now. Gold star for you!

JASON: I hope I’m leaving forever too because you’re right, these chats are getting a bit old. But, before I go, let me give you some news about your other abuser, Gordon. We had lots of heart to hearts in prison before I forced him to top himself and he really hated himself for what he did to you.

AARON: Oh great, the feeling’s mutual. Thanks for that extra bit of #Closure I feel SOOO much better now. Thanks Filler Plot. Can you please end now?

JASON: *Gets in taxi* *Taxi drives away*

(FANDOM: Please say it’s over now!!!)

[The Garage with Aaron and Cain]

AARON: I didn’t do the thing, so you had to instead?

CAIN: Well...maybe.

AARON: And all that about me NOT doing the thing when you don’t do the same?

CAIN: You deal with things your way and I’ll deal with things my way. But, I am proud of you. You did the right thing yesterday.

AARON: *Nods* *Cain is proud of me, this is great Face*

[Outside in the Village with Aaron and Robert]

ROBERT: Hey Aaron, I just happened to be walking by here because I'm pretty sure the Plot forgot we were broken up. Cain’s not giving you grief about the thing from yesterday right?

AARON: Why? You gonna throw money at that problem too?

ROBERT: I guess I deserved that.

AARON: And more too cause I’m still trying to pretend I want nothing to do with you. #StopLyingYouLiar

ROBERT: Right right, stay out of your life...except the Plot doesn’t seem to want that to happen. For the record though, I never doubted you. That wasn’t what the Plot money was about. Anyway...I was going to go get a drink if you...you know...wanna pretend that this Plot isn’t happening and we’re not broken up. I think we might be able to score a few minutes together before my Filler Plot catches up to me.

AARON: *Scrunchy Face* Are you sure you can afford it? #AaronStyleFlirtyBanter

ROBERT: *Smiles* *Heart Eyes* *He made a joke and didn’t say no Face*

*Aaron and Robert walk off to enjoy these blissful few Filler Plot free moments together*

[The Cafe with Rebecca, Bob, Emma and Sleepy Lawrence]

REBECCA: *Enters*

SLEEPY LAWRENCE: *Exists*

REBECCA: *Worried Face*

EMMA: He’s been like that for awhile.

BOB: Yep, didn’t even have the decency to finish the sausages he yelled at me about! He just fell asleep.

EMMA: I’m a medical professional and he seems pale and has shallow breathing.

REBECCA: OH NO! Does that mean something’s wrong? I’ve been having the same conversation 62 times with Robert trying to figure out this very simple thing, but I haven’t yet. Is it bad?

EMMA: It might be. I’m going in to see everyone’s other favorite medical professional, Dr. Cavanaugh. I can book him an appointment.

SLEEPY LAWRENCE: *Wakes up a the word medical professional* Leave me to sleep and dream of my exit in peace! *Leaves*

REBECCA: So, medical professional Emma, you’d tell him to see a medical professional about this problem he might have?

EMMA: I would. Seems logical.

REBECCA: Does it? Because I’ve been trying to make a decision about this for two weeks and I haven’t really gotten much further. Robert keeps telling me that seeing a medical professional is unnecessary and I know he only has mine and my dad’s best interests at heart. But thank you for validating this medical professional concept that should have been really easy to grasp. I thought I was the only one who thought it might be necessary. I feel at least a bit closer to making a decision now. I might have to have The Conversation another time or two though before I fully get there.

[The Woolpack with Robert and Aaron….oh and the Plotstacle]

*Half finished pints in front of them* - to show the fans that they’ve at least been enjoying this Filler Plot free time for a little longer than we’re seeing them now -

ROBERT: *Heart Eyes* So, you’re Filler Plot is over now and Jason got what he deserved in the end. Can’t say I’m gonna lose any sleep...cause I’m still not getting at any because I still miss you too much and I’m using all of my sleeping pills to drug Lawrence.

AARON: *Smirk* *Heart Eyes* You just lost a bit of cash.

ROBERT: Well you’d have done the same for me...right? We’d both die for each other because we’re both still hopelessly in love with each other in spite of the Plot?

AARON: *Nods* *Looks down to contemplate* *Would totally have agreed if not for–*

PLOTSTACLE: ROBERT!!!! THE PLOT SENSED THAT YOU WERE HAVING A MOMENT WITH YOUR AARON AND ALERTED ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT I COULD COME AND DESTROY THIS BEAUTIFUL MOMENT THAT BOTH OF YOU AND THE FANS WERE ALL ENJOYING BECAUSE THE HELL PLOT HATES JOY AND THE HELL PLOT CAN’T BE STOPPED. Also...we need to have The Conversation again.

ROBERT: Do we really have to? I was having such a nice time.

PLOTSTACLE: Yes we have to!

AARON: *This is awkward and I really don’t want to be here but wow Robert is going to destroy me in this Repetitive Scene competition if this is anything to go by Face*

ROBERT: Look, I was...um… *Searching through back catalogue of manipulation techniques* I was just trying to use reverse psychology to get Lawrence to want to go see a medical professional himself.

PLOTSTACLE: Well that backfired!

ROBERT: Which fits into my schemes perfectly fine. But I was just trying to help. Honest! #FingersCrossBehindBack

PLOTSTACLE: Well now I hate you! Actually, that’s not true. I trust you implicitly and wholeheartedly believe that you care about me and have my best interests at heart and I apologize for doubting you even though you’re the cause of all of these problems. I’m just too Plot Brained to figure it out. It’s just that I bumped into medical professional Emma and she validated my suspicions that Dad has an actual problem so now I’m all worked up about it. You can tell by the fact that my voice is getting higher pitched and more breathy. It’s my #UpsetVoice

AARON: On that note...I’ll leave you to it, because, as I imagine the fans are thinking too, I cannot possibly watch this puppet show any longer. See ya, hope your dad gets better I suppose. *Leaves*

ROBERT: *Aaron please don’t leave me Face*

PLOTSTACLE: Well, my work here is done...I mean...sorry for interruptimg your cute almost date.

ROBERT: Yeah...you should be...I mean…*Manipulative Rebecca Voice* *Fingers Crossed Behind Back* Don’t worry about it, you did nothing wrong. We’ll get through this together.

PLOTSTACLE: Well I’m off now that I’m not needed anymore to remind Aaron why he broke up with you. Oh and next time you see me, I might actually have made a decision now that half the village has weighed in on it and made me some pro/con lists. *Leaves*

ROBERT: *Great and now I’m alone again Face* #StoryOfMyLife #ComeBackAaron #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[The Mill with Robert and Aaron]

ROBERT: *Stands outside* *Pauses to look at what should be his home* I probably shouldn’t but I’m going to anyway because we are seriously bad at being broken up and I literally can’t seem to stay away. *Heads for the door*

AARON: *Grabs beer inside* *Hears knock at the door* *Oh no not more Plot Face* *Opens door to find Robert there* Sup?

ROBERT: ‘Sup?’ That’s all you have to say? Way to make a guy feel welcome! You should work on that. Might put people off.

AARON: Clearly not...considering you’re still here and we legitimately can’t be separate from each other if we happen to be in the same episode. In any case, thanks for reminding me earlier why we broke up. Plotstacle had perfect timing.

ROBERT: About that...you know there’s nothing going on there right? I’m just pretending I care about the baby and helping out up there cause I’m stuck in this Filler Plot with them.

AARON: And scheming...cause it’s you and the Plot doesn’t know how to do anything different with you when you’re not with me.

ROBERT: Fair point. I’m glad you can still see right through my bullshit. It’s one of the things that made me fall in love with you.

AARON: Oh Robert don’t! The Plot isn’t ready for us to get back together yet and so I have to still pretend I don’t care about you at all. So go back to your boring Filler Plot and leave me out of it.

ROBERT: *Fuck this Plot Face* *Leaves*

AARON: *I still fucking care damnit Face*

[The Mill with Aaron]

AARON: *Stares at monkey sculpture of Robert because he clearly still cares* *Calls the other person he cares about* Hi Liv! I’m doing great now that my Filler Plot is finished and I supposedly got #Closure for my Prison Plot. In fact, I could use a new Filler Plot until the Hell Plot is ready to get Robert and I back together so I miss you and I love you and I don’t care how soppy I sound but I can’t wait for you to come home.

[Home Farm with Robert, Finn and Rebecca]

ROBERT: *Enters*

FINN: *Exists*

ROBERT: *Gently nudges Finn onto the stairs* HOW DARE YOU TURN AARON IN FOR HITTING THAT PLOT DEVICE! YOU’VE RUINED EVERYTHING!!!! #Projecting

FINN: Umm...Robert, mate? That was like seven months ago. That Plot Device is long gone and I’ve even been to Australia and back to help the fans forget about that whole ordeal. So….sorry?

ROBERT: Get out of my sight! #BetterLateThanNever #LatentPlotFixes

REBECCA: Hey, I’m not interrupting anything right? I love to do that.

ROBERT: Nope, Finn was just leaving so I can get back to my manipulating.

*Finn leaves*

ROBERT: I know I’ve been a bit distracted for the last three days with Aaron’s Filler Plot and thinking we could have a pub date without Plotstacle rearing her blonde braided head but I assure you now that this Filler Plot will get my full attention. And just know that I'm absolutely doing all of this because the Plot won't let me have Aaron.

REBECCA: That’s so great to hear! My dad’s in the next room for you to manipulate.

ROBERT: Perfect.

[Home Farm with Robert and Sleepy Lawrence]

SLEEPY LAWRENCE: *Sleeps*

ROBERT: *Murder Face* Great! You just keep sleeping so I can con the business away from your unbelievably gullible daughter and apparently mother of my child.

Chapter Text

4 September 2017

[The Cafe with Robert, Jimmy, Emma and Rebecca]

JIMMY: *Speaks about breakfast food*

ROBERT: *Aaron likes breakfast food Face* #CanRelateAnythingToAaron You can eat waffles in Brussels. Oh and let me nonchalantly slide this super innocent letter into your hands with a hopefully throw away comment about posting it from Brussels.

JIMMY: I may be an idiot but I can sense Plot Point here. What is this?

ROBERT: *Sighs* It’s a letter, Jimmy. Just do as you’re told.

JIMMY: Sorry, no, this is definitely Plotty. Why would I have to post a random letter from Brussels?

ROBERT: *The way to manipulate a man is through his stomach, yes that’s how the saying goes, Face* #JustLikeMyHusband #CanRelateAnythingToAaron #AreWeBackTogetherYet #WhatFoodDoYouLikePlot Jimmy, let me bribe you with food so you’ll do what I want.

JIMMY: Okay, I like food.

ROBERT: *That was easy Face*

EMMA: Hi Robert, I’m here to talk to you about one of your many lies.

ROBERT: I’m having trouble keeping track of all of them. Which one is this?

EMMA: Your drug addiction? You missed your appointment with Dr. Cavanaugh, the best medical professional in all the land.

ROBERT: Right, right. That’s none of your business...cause it actually doesn’t exist. Please don’t talk to me again.

*Rebecca enters*

ROBERT: *Oh another one of my puppets has just walked in, great, Face* I mean...I’m sorry. I’m fine, really, totally fine here.

EMMA: But you said you were in a dark place and I relate to that so much with my own Plot. I just want to help you into the light to save my own soul. #ItsAllAboutMe

ROBERT: No really, I’m completely a hundred percent fine. I’m not caught in a giant web of lies just to distract myself from the fact that I’ve lost my #BeautifulHusband who the Plot keeps shoving in my direction just so he can reject me again and again to try and give me the minimum amount of motivation for me to enact this #Revengenda of a Filler Plot.

EMMA: Great, so we’re agreed that you’ll come to whatever new appointment that I set up.

REBECCA: *Exists in Robert’s general vicinity*

ROBERT: If it gets me out of this conversation, sure.

REBECCA: Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. *Laughs* Sorry, is that the only thing I say, Plot? Honestly, I clearly love interrupting.

ROBERT: You do, but I literally don’t care about you in the slightest, so I’m just going to go now.

REBECCA: *Slightly suspicious heart eyes*

[The Scrapyard with Robert, Jimmy and Rebecca]

ROBERT: *Sees Jimmy still at the scrapyard* Jimmy! Honestly! Do I have to set every single element of these Plot Points in motion in this Filler Plot? Why aren’t you already on your way to Brussels?

JIMMY: Well the Plot Breakfast you bribed me with made me sleepy so I had to take a nap long enough for you to find me here.

ROBERT: Ugh. Well, you’ve got my Plot Letter, right?

JIMMY: Yeah, but in between napping and waiting for you, I had time to notice that it’s addressed to Home Farm. Now why would–

ROBERT: It really doesn’t matter, Jimmy. It’s just a mostly irrelevant Plot Point that will probably blow up in my face in some way that I haven’t foreseen yet. Such is Plot. But, let me bribe you again to do my bidding. I know you hate doing actual work, so I volunteer to do it for you. It’s hardly relevant to the actual Plot, so I’ll probably never have to actually do it. It’ll be great.

JIMMY: Sounds like a Plot! Bye!

*Rebecca walks up*

REBECCA: Robert! I’m interrupting again!

ROBERT: *Plasters on fake smile*

REBECCA: *Concerned Face* Are you okay?

ROBERT: *Uhh which lie have I been caught in now Face* Uhh...never better. #StopLyingYouLiar

REBECCA: It’s just...The Plot obviously made to go into the cafe right when Emma was talking to you about some mystery appointment and now, since apparently I’m still kinda in love with you even though I absolutely shouldn’t be all things considered, I’m totally worried.

ROBERT: *Trying to come up with a new lie Face* Oh, umm...I was just...uh...fuck...what can I possibly say now? Oh, antenatal classes! Those are important in a Pregnancy Plot right? I was just looking into those. I mean you probably already have, but maybe not since you still haven’t seen an on screen medical professional but who needs to worry about those details.

REBECCA: Aww, Robert you’re so sweet and thoughtful. I can’t believe you’d do something like this for me. You’re the bestest ever! I can’t believe I just accept everything that comes out of your mouth as the absolute truth. It’s amazing really! But yay! We can go together!

ROBERT: *I would rather die over and over again at Aaron’s hand because at least he’d be touching me again than go to antenatal classes with you Face* Yeah...that’d be...nice… #PleaseKillMeNow

REBECCA: Thanks Robert! Did I mention you’re the greatest thing to ever happen to me!

ROBERT: No, thank you, you don’t know what this means to me. It hopefully means that you will leave because this fake smile is really killing my face right now and I can’t hold it much longer.

REBECCA: *Genuine smile because my Plot Brain believes you’re genuine Face* *Leaves*

ROBERT: *Fake smile drops* *Oh thank god I can go break things again Face* #PleaseKillMeNow #GiveMeMyBreakfastLovingAaronBack #AreWeBackTogetherYet

Chapter Text

14 September 2017

[The Mill of Mayhem with Aaron and Adam]

AARON: *Shooting at things with his Virtual Reality gun*

ADAM: Aaron, mate, are you sure these settings are right or is the Plot setting me up for something?

AARON: I think it’s the first sign of a Filler Plot for you, mate! Congrats! Moving up in the world!

ADAM: Yeah well at least my Eyesight Filler Plot means I didn’t see your #Mess when I walked in. Just fell over it instead.

AARON: Yeah, well, I’m just trying to outdo Robert when he was squatting here post break up.

ADAM: Yeah Vic told me it was a mess. Well done mate!

AARON: *Casually Sexist Comment Alert* Stop moaning mate. We gave ourselves the day off because the Plot doesn’t need us to work today and we clearly never do anyway. I honestly have no idea how we make money. But anyway, we’ve got Virtual Reality and we’ve got bacon, one of the major food groups, that. I would make us toast but I can’t find the toaster I bought as a break up present for myself under all of this mess. Plus, we’ve got these super awesome chairs that I told Robert I hated but now practically live in. Life is good. We’re living the dream. I don’t miss Robert at all…really #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ADAM: Yeah, well I just want to see the dream we’re living in a bit better. I’m really not going to like this Eyesight Filler Plot am I?

*Phone Rings*

AARON: *Searching through the #Mess for his phone*

ADAM: Good think the Plot thought to put the sound on or we’d never find that amongst all of these pizza boxes.

AARON: *Answers phone* Mum? It’s been so long. Come back the fans miss– wait what? Well where is she? The fans will be concerned about her too!!

[Mulberry Cottage with Aaron, Laurel and Background Jimmy]

AARON: Hiya, sorry, this is weird being in a scene with you isn’t it? And I don’t think I’ve been in this house since I told Robert about Gordon...but uhh...Liv has apparently disappeared...and not in the ‘gone off to visit her Plot Device of a mum’ kind of thing either. Gabby hasn’t mentioned her has she? You can’t get a hold of Gabby now could you?

LAUREL: Wow, so this is Plotdale. Seems fun when it’s not my Plot. But umm, yeah let me explain to you the concept of time zones Aaron. It’s the middle of the night in Australia so no, I can’t ring her now. I can leave a message though.

AARON: Great, thanks. Let me know if you hear anything.

LAUREL: Yep, will do. Hope she’s okay. Hmm...if Liv is coming back I wonder if Gabby will be back soon too. I’ve missed her.

[The Mill of Mayhem Aaron, Adam and Liv]

AARON: *Packing a bag*

ADAM: This seems a bit extreme Aaron. I’m sure the Plot will sort this out. What are you even going to do when you get to Dublin?

AARON: Uhh try and find her obviously.

ADAM: I know you’re worried but–

AARON: Worried? I’m way past worried. I never worry about myself and I refuse to let myself worry about Robert so Liv is all I’ve got to focus on.

ADAM: What if she’s just staying with a boyfriend or something?

AARON: Ugh. Stop talking Adam! And let yourself out.

ADAM: Wait, I’ll come with you.

AARON: No you can’t. Someone has to stay here under the pretense of looking after the Scrapyard. We have to at least pretend like we do work so that when the Plot needs us to do some, people remember that we do have a business together. I’ll see you in a bit. *Opens door*

LIV: Surprise! Hey this is cool, it’s like our first meeting except in reverse!

(FANDOM: LIV!!! Thank god you’re back! See if you can’t move the Hell Plot forward a bit! Try not to get yourself accidentally killed! We’ve grown to love you, especially now that you’ve apparently overtaken the captain of the ship role from Vic. Do us a favor and knock these two idiots’ heads together for us!)

[The Mill of Mayhem with Aaron and Liv]

AARON: *On the phone* Mum, I swear, I wasn’t even aware of this Plot Development okay! And I promise I’m not going to be the softest softie going with her either. No really! I can be strict!

LIV: That sounds like it went well. By the way, the Mill looks awesome. Too bad I can’t see Robert’s amazing decorating skills underneath all of your #Mess.

AARON: Well, welcome to Plotdale Liv. Most things kind of are a joke here and everything happens for the sake of Plot, including you coming back here like this I’m guessing. Still, you could have told someone. Our mums who are currently off screen and have little to no bearing on the actual Plot were worried. How did you even get on the boat without anyone asking who you were with?

LIV: I’m an excellent liar.

AARON: *Trying not to look proud Face*

LIV: So...on that note. Where’s Robert?

AARON: *Slight Pause* Why? Do you think he would be any easier on you? Cause he wouldn’t. He was always better at being the strict one… #AreWeBackTogetherYet

LIV: I’ve been gone for so long. I haven’t seen you on screen since your short lived drug Plot. I really thought you’d be happy to see me. Guess I was wrong. At least the fans are happy I’m home.

AARON: It’s not that. I’m just worried about what the Plot has in store for me now that you’re back. And really, you could have told someone you were coming.

LIV: If I had told someone, then they would have tried to stop me and nothing was going to stop me coming back here. I’m on a mission. #GetRobronBackTogether

[The Mill of Mayhem with Aaron and Liv]

LIV: I actually missed that school I got kicked out of when I was here last. Think they’ll let me back in now that enough time has passed. You know who else I missed? Robert.

AARON: *Slightly pained Robert Mention Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet The Plot clearly wanted you back here. Why couldn’t you have just told our mums you wanted to come back.

LIV: Because, your mum is still on her well deserved Plot Hiatus and I couldn’t ask her to give that up. Besides, my Plot Device of a mum is somehow still not well enough to be on her own.

AARON: Those are nice excuses but you’ve not been around. You’re not Plot Aware. Let me tell you, the Plot has NOT been kind to me of late. Now I’m super suspicious of it offering me nice things like my little sister back. I’m going to get to the bottom of this and you’re going to help me.
So you better start being straight with me or I will send you back off screen and no one wants that.

LIV: Oh, you want me to start being straight with you? Well, guess what, I’m more Plot Aware than you think I am. Maybe it’s you who should start being straight with me! When were you going to tell me about you and Robert?!

AARON: *Pained Robert Mention Face*

[The Mill of Mayhem with Aaron and Liv]

LIV: I can’t believe Gabby who’s been off screen nearly as long as I have had to tell me about my own brother’s Plot!

AARON: I was going to tell you when you got back.

LIV: Why couldn’t you tell me when you came to visit me? At least now I know what all of those secret little meetings you had with Chas were about.

AARON: That’s not how the Plot works Liv. I couldn’t tell you off screen. You needed to find out on screen for it to have maximum impact. Now it’s been ruined.

LIV: Well not entirely. I still don’t know why you broke up. #PartiallyPlotAware

AARON: Ummm...lots of reasons? Really one, but I’m gonna hold onto that one till tomorrow I think. We need to drag this out.

LIV: So ‘lots of reasons’ is really all I’m gonna get?

AARON: For now. Look, it is what it is. Robert and I both tried to fight it and the fans have all tried to speculate and theorize their way out of it but for now, it really is what it is. There’s nothing we can do, so why dwell on it. I’m fine, really. This break is probably the best thing for me. Robert’s being forced into one of his scheming modes and everyone should steer well clear of that because you know what happens when you get caught up in one of his schemes. You could end up being a #UnintendedConsequence

LIV: *This is clearly bullshit Face* Aaron, this is me you’re talking to.

AARON: What do you want me to say? That I’ll never get over it? Because yeah, I won’t, not until the Plot puts us back together but honestly, I’m #Fine

LIV: *This is still clearly bullshit Face* Really? Because this #Mess looks like you’re having a #Breakdown

AARON: This is why the Plot didn’t want me to tell you, because it wanted you to find out like this on screen and push me until I talked. I see. Fingers crossed that that’s it. But really Liv, we broke up, everyone on this show is always breaking up. Hell Robert and I have broken up at least a hundred times before so. It’s not a big deal.

LIV: It is a big deal, because this time the fans had gotten used to having you two in a #RealRelationship so now it’s way more devastating that you’ve broken up. And I know you’re not fine, so stop pretending you are.

AARON: Liv–

LIV: No, sorry, I’m still in the middle of my speech. You’re not fine. You weren’t meant to be fine. You loved him, even if certain parts of the fandom refuse to believe that, and your heart’s supposed to be broken like the rest of ours, because that’s how it works.

AARON: #Exposed *Sad about Robert Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet Alright, I admit it. I took a hit. But despite this gaping hole in the middle of my chest, it’s just a flesh wound. I promise. I’m totally and completely a hundred percent fine.

LIV: *I don’t believe you at all Face*

AARON: *I’m totally convincing at being fine Face* *Opens arms*

*Hug* - for the fans -

Chapter Text

15 September 2017

[The Mill with Aaron and Liv]

AARON: One piece of charcoal or two? Wow I can’t even make toast without Robert here! But I’m fine, don’t worry.

LIV: Rob would have a fit if he were here. That’s right. I’m just going to keep mentioning Robert until you fill me in so I can be fully Plot Aware.

AARON: Shows how much you know. Yes I see the irony in that. But Vic said this place was a disaster while Rob was living here while I was in Dublin. Yep, look at that, I called him Rob and I wasn’t even half dead in the hospital. By the way, Liv, you’re not hanging around in my #Mess all day today. The Plot is hoping the audience forgot that you were expelled before you went on your Plot Hiatus, so I’m taking you back to school.

LIV: Great! So you’re not going to send me back to Dublin then?

AARON: Course not. The Plot clearly wants you here.

LIV: So...back to Robert. Are you going to tell me why you two broke up yet? Cause I’m going to keep asking until you do or go find out from someone else. I just don’t it. You two were still disgustingly in love even though you were in prison when I left. What happened?

AARON: *Please don’t ask it’s too painful Face*

LIV: It’s okay Aaron. Let me tell you how much I miss him too and that he’s like my other brother. I know it will please the fans. They love our relationship and don’t want it to get destroyed. Just, tell me.

AARON: Well...the Plot happened. We like to call it the Hell Plot. It’s bad Liv. Robert’s going to be a dad. Now let me explain the biology of that to you in case you can’t work that out for yourself because well this isn’t mpreg fanfic, thank god...though maybe that would have worked in my favor?! Hmm. Anyway, you see, he had sex with woman and now he...I mean she’s going to have his baby.

LIV: With who?

AARON: My nemesis, Rebecca. You know...the one who I was super paranoid about before. Yep, her. The Plot clearly hates me and wants me to suffer. Robert says it’s because I cry too well.

LIV: Seriously? That’s ridiculous! I can’t believe the Plot would do that to you!

AARON: I know. It really sucks. Now I’m just all #IHateThisFuckingPlot all the time. But, more on that later, for now, time for school.

LIV: *My brother is sad so I am sad but I need to find a way to fix this Face* #OperationGetRobronBackTogether

[Outside The Shop with Aaron, Liv, Robert and Rebecca]

AARON: Hey your teacher forgot the Plot got you expelled too!

LIV: Yep and now I’ve got a ton of work to do. It’s really going to cut into my #OperationGetRobronBackTogether time.

AARON: *Sees Robert and Rebecca* *Internal Sigh* Come on Liv, let’s avoid this confrontation and go home and distract ourselves with video games.

ROBERT: Liv! I’ve missed you so much! I still care about you! I won’t let the Plot ruin our relationship too!

LIV: Get lost! I know the fans love our relationship but I’m not sure it can withstand this...her. *Casually Sexist Alert*

ROBERT: Wait...you’re Plot Aware? *Internal Panic Face*

LIV: Of course I know! Look at that nice new bump she’s got. I heard it took a while to get that in. You know, I always wondered why the Plot had you be so nice to me before I left for my Hiatus. Now I know. #SpeakingForTheFandom

REBECCA: Liv it wasn’t like that...okay...that’s a lie. It was totally like that. The Plot needed me to look like the nicest, kindest friend so that it would be more believable that I was the victim in all of this.

LIV: *Sees through the bullshit Face* Yeah alright. #SpeakingForTheFandom

AARON: Liv, let’s just leave it alright. I can’t handle confrontation. I just want to go home to the virtual reality.

LIV: Sorry Aaron, I’m totally not done yet. I bet you thought it was Christmas when Aaron went to prison. The Plot was just setting you up to get into his pants. #SpeakingForTheFandom

ROBERT: Liv that’s enough! The fans can only take so much of your awesomeness at a time. #YouAreDoingGreat

LIV: Oh but I have sooo much more. Let me just insinuate that you planned this from the beginning because who gets pregnant when they don’t want to. Has no one in this whole village heard of contraception? Why am I, a fifteen year old, lecturing you on this? #SpeakingForTheFandom

AARON: LIv, I think you’ve lectured enough now. Let’s go.

LIV: Nope, I’ve still got more. Robert! Your turn! You only had to wait a couple of months for him and you couldn’t even do that! What kind of Plot is this? Aaron needed you and he loved you! #SpeakingForTheFandom

ROBERT: I’m not going to make any excuses. I’ve owned up to the mistakes the Plot forced on me.

LIV: Well Aaron deserved better than this Plot, we both did! #SpeakingForTheFandom

ROBERT: #SpeakingForMeToo I agree with you completely.

*Robert and Rebecca duck out of the line of fire*

LIV: God, how can you stand this Plot?! #SpeakingForTheFandom

AARON: Because I had to accept a long time ago that it is what it is. We’re stuck in this seemingly never ending Pregnancy Plot now and Robert has to live with that now. So whatever Filler Plots he gets up to now, it’s his business.

LIV: *Not if I have anything to say about it Face* #OperationGetRobronBackTogether

[Outside Rebecca’s Car with Robert, Liv and Rebecca]

REBECCA: *On the phone* Oh thanks mysterious investor.

ROBERT: *Ooh business things Face* Investor?

REBECCA: Yep, some random investor named Kath wants to invest into the business. I’m sure that will be a Plot Point later. Oh no, here’s Liv. I don’t know how much more of her #SpeakingForTheFandom I can take. I really didn’t want this Plot either. I swear. Couldn’t they just have let me be with Debbie?!

ROBERT: Yeah, I’m sure it would have been. Don’t worry. I’ll sort this. Hey Liv! A blonde I’d rather share scenes with!

LIV: We were a family you know! Me, Aaron and Robert. We had a cute name and everything. Roblivion. It was great. Why did you have to go and wreck it? #SpeakingForTheFandom

REBECCA: I really didn’t want this Plot either. But it’s a bit more complicated than that. Wow I wish I knew if I meant anything else by that, like that I have some sort of master plan. I probably just mean that I blame this all on Robert so it wasn’t me that wrecked anything. Look, I know you, as the proxy for the fans, are really upset that things didn’t turn out the way you’d hoped, but apparently I’m incapable of apologizing for my role in this.

LIV: Right...let me just question the paternity of this kid since you were also sleeping with Ross. The Theory Truthers need some hope these days. #LetTheTheoryLive

REBECCA: Look, apparently I have this supernatural connection to my womb tennant and so I know that it’s definitely Robert’s without ever having to do a simple DNA test. Why shut down the Theory once and for all when you can continue to give the Theory Truthers hope! #LetTheTheoryLive But look, let me just put some blame on Robert again cause it takes two to make this baby that I’m having whether anyone likes it or not. And again, I’m definitely not going to apologize for any of my part in any of this. Instead, I’m just going to drive away because I get really defensive anytime someone brings up paternity or tries to get me to accept responsibility for this. Bye.

*Rebecca drives off angrily*

LIV: Well, aren’t you going to go run off after your girlfriend? I hear the fans are constantly worried that the Plot is going to push you together again.

ROBERT: *Exasperated Face* We’re not together like that. We never were!

LIV: Yeah sure.

ROBERT: One night! This Plot only took one episode to ruin my life!

LIV: And Aaron’s! He loved you! And the fans’ for that matter, and mine.

ROBERT: Look! The Plot put a bottle of whiskey in my hands. I wasn’t thinking straight. I wanted him to hurt as much as I did because the Plot couldn’t possibly let us be happy for more than three weeks after our wedding. It had him doing drugs and not talking to me about what was going on with him in there. He was making you lie just so that it could go on for a little longer just so the Plot could force us into this #Mess

LIV: He was in prison! He was on drugs! He needed you!

ROBERT: Yeah, the Plot put him there because they wanted to facilitate this Pregnancy Plot for some unknown reason. And I fell for it. I let him down. And then I was totally going to tell him in prison but Chas via the Plot decided that wasn’t going to happen so it was decided that I should keep quiet about it, get her to as well but then the Plot dropped the pregnancy bomb and everything changed!

LIV: How could the Plot do this to us Rob?!?

ROBERT: I don’t know! All I’ve ever wanted is Aaron! Me, you, him, we were happy! The happiest I’ve ever been! And then the Plot had to go and ruin it because happy couples and families don’t stay on screen. AND NOW WE’RE STUCK IN THIS #MESS AND I HATE THE PLOT AND MYSELF AND HER AND THE BABY! #Relatable *Stalks off in a Plot Sulk*

LIV: *Wow the Plot needs me to sort this out Face* #OperationGetRobronBackTogether

[The Bridge with Robert and Liv]

LIV: You don’t have to have anything to do with Rebecca if you hate her that much.

(FANDOM: Wait...is that an option?!?!? Sign us up for that plan!)

ROBERT: It’s a bit more complicated than that. There’s this whole Filler Plot that I’m part of where I’m drugging her father for reasons unknown. Possibly because I’m having one long, slow breakdown. Possibly because I’m just bored and heartbroken. Who the hell knows at this point. But you know nothing about that and hopefully never will. #FingersCrossed But unfortunately, until proven otherwise, I’m this kid’s father. And that apparently means I need to be glued to her side. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have enough scenes to fulfill her contract.

LIV: Well that’s a whole lot of info I can’t process yet but I’m sure will come back to haunt me. But why can’t the Plot let you be with Aaron and be a dad. Look at half the couples in this village. That stuff works for them.

ROBERT: Logic like that doesn’t belong in the Hell Plot Liv. Plus the Plot made sure this was literally Aaron’s worst fears all rolled into one awful situation so there’s no way he could want this, even if he did try for a time. And I don’t blame him. If I could get out I would. I’d do anything to take that night back. The Incident. It still haunts me. And you can accuse me of betraying Aaron and letting him down and you’d be right. The Plot made sure of that. But don’t ever say I don’t love him. I’m gonna steal his line now for the parallels. I never stopped. I always will. #AreWeBackTogetherYet *Makes dramatic exit*

LIV: #OperationGetRobronBackTogether

[The Mill with Aaron and Liv]

AARON: *Living in Virtual Denial Land* #DenialLandIsFunAsFuck

LIV: *Pushes Aaron’s Denial Goggles up*

AARON: *Dazed and confused Face* Where have you been? I’m such a good parental figure, I barely even noticed you were gone.

LIV: I went to tell Rob what I thought of him.

AARON: What did you do that for? *Puts Denial Goggles back down* Denial Land is better Liv. You should try it.

LIV: *Pushes Denial Goggles back up* Aaron, wake up, he still loves you!

AARON: *Puts Denial Goggles back on* Yeah, and? The Plot sees fit to remind me why it broke us up every time I let myself believe that. It shoves Rebecca and her newfound bump in my face and I remember that he’s gonna be a dad and I have to try really hard to move on with my life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going back to Denial Land. Ignoring the Plot is way better than dealing with it, at least while Robert is busy with his Filler Plots and the Hell Plot isn’t ready for its climax yet. So just sit down and join me or leave but I definitely, under no circumstances, want to talk about the Plot. #DenialLandIsFunAsFuck #IShouldHaveStayedInMauritus #AreWeBackTogetherYet

LIV: *You are impossible and I’m gonna have to do everything myself Face* #OperationGetRobronBackTogether

Chapter Text

18 September 2017

[Outside in the Village with Aaron, Liv and Robert]

LIV: Do I have to go to school? It’s not really important to the Plot that I get an education. There’s not even a set. Besides, this uniform is a mess…

AARON: I promise I’ll find the iron I’ve probably never used in my life by the time you get home.

LIV: Oh what in that #Mess you call our home?

AARON: Yeah well I’m avoiding all of my problems including cleaning up after myself because the audience needs to know what a mess I am right now. But it’s loads better than it was before. Besides, when did you become my mum? She’s still on her Plot Hiatus.

*Robert drives by in the Porsche*

LIV: Forget being your mum. *Matchmaker Mode Activate* #OperationGetRobronBackTogether Hasn’t this Break Up Plot gone on long enough. The fans are #Exhaustedaf and would really like to move forward. So can’t you just work it out? He’s an idiot but he loves you.

AARON: Talking so directly about this goes against my *Denial Mode* so I’m going to have to ask you to stop but I promise if you go to school then I’ll get the hoover out and do some cleaning.

LIV: Fine. *Fingers crossed behind back*

*Super Secret Handshake of Adorableness* - for the fans -

AARON: See ya later!

LIV: Sooner than you think.

*Robert gets out of his Porsche*

*Mutual Pining From Afar Mode Activate*

AARON: #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ROBERT: #AreWeBackTogetherYet

*Bus Leaves*

LIV: #AreTheyBackTogetherYet #OperationGetRobronBackTogether

[The Cafe with Robert, Victim, Bob and Liv]

VICTIM: Here Robert, this bit of Plot came for you in the post today.

ROBERT: *Rips it open* *Oh right I bought this Face*

VICTIM: *Rips it out of his hand* Are you kidding me? A brochure for designing nurseries? Remember when I was designing the baby a nursery cause I was super obsessed with it and now I’m apparently not?!? #BestPlotFriendsNotForever

ROBERT: It’s for Rebecca. My scheme failed and I need a new in to take over Home Farm if you must know...except you can’t know that yet so forget what I just said. *Walks over to counter* Double Espresso please Bob. I need more caffeine than usual these days than my regular Americano because I’m not sleeping great since the break up and I’ve been using all of my sleeping pills to drug an old man. #RobertProblems

*Liv enters*

VICTIM: Liv!!! You’re back! I’ve not thought about you one second while you were away but I’ve missed you! *Hugs* Welcome Home!

BOB: Hey my Chief Donut Tester! What do you say we blow off the Plot today and do some taste testing!

LIV: Can’t, I’m on a mission! #OperationGetRobronBackTogether

VICTIM: When did you get back?

LIV: Couple of days ago. Robert and I had several scenes together. How could you not know I was back?! And clearly Rob couldn’t be bothered to tell you.

ROBERT: Didn’t have time. Weekends don’t exist here Liv and I was too busy protecting my scheme to bother.

VICTIM: Well I’d love to catch up but I have to go do some Diddy Diner work. You know that business I still supposedly have. Unless you want to come help me Robert?

ROBERT: I can’t. I’m scheming up at Home Farm.

VICTIM: Of course you are. Let me sound all bothered by this even though I literally begged you to go help Rebecca a few weeks ago. And all this nursery business? What has happened to you? It’s not like I’ve been pushing you to be a part of this baby’s life since the moment I found out it was yours...well I mean after I got over the massive betrayal that my BPFF didn’t tell me that her baby was related to me.

BOB: Here’s your double espresso!

VICTIM: For Father of the Year! Gosh I can’t believe I’m so bothered by the fact that you appear to actually care about your own child even though that’s all I wanted from you. I mean, can you believe him Liv? Caring about his child. Yep that same child that ripped your family apart and now I’m just shoving it in your face.

ROBERT: *Please shut up Victim Face*

VICTIM: *Incredulous about everything for some reason Face*

LIV: *God this is such a mess and I have to fix everything myself Face* #OperationGetRobronBackTogether

[Home Farm with Robert and Rebecca]

REBECCA: *On the phone* I still suck at business. Come in Robert. Oh look I lost another account. Damn.

ROBERT: *She’s struggling with the business but I’m not supposed to be helping with that anymore so I have to force myself to pretend to care about this baby I hate Face* *Just act casual* *Over Enthusiastic Voice* There’s some GREAT designer nurseries in here!!! Really! Look how happy I am about this!!! Is it working? Wow! I never thought I’d hear myself say these words...oh god...someone get me out of this Plot.

REBECCA: Actually Robert, because I suck so much at this business stuff, there’s no money to build a designer nursery. I certainly can’t ask Dad for the money.

ROBERT: Money? I love throwing money at my problems. I’ll pay for it.

REBECCA: It’s just a timing issue Robert...as in this whole Hell Plot was ill timed as well as ill conceived. Plus again...I suck at business.

ROBERT: Right well, I was conveniently right next to you when you got a call from that mysterious person wanting to invest. Now, I may or may not have set that up to give myself a way back in, but I’m not sure yet. Still, I think you should go for it.

REBECCA: Yeah but it was just an out of the blue thing! It’s probably a scam! #FailsToSeeIrony

ROBERT: Yeah but you don’t know that. You’re just making assumptions...kind of like on the paternity of this baby. #LetTheTheoryLive Anyway, you should call them and find out more.

REBECCA: Do you fancy a drink before we get into baby talk? Because that’s why you came up here. Because you just care soooo much about this baby. Have you seen my latest bump? Isn’t it huge all of a sudden. I can’t decide if it means something or props just didn’t want to bother with a lot of in between sizes.

ROBERT: Thanks for this segue so I can pick up this drugged bottle of brandy to remind the audience about it before what happens next.

REBECCA: You’re welcome. At least Dad’s not been drinking any of it lately. I’m so proud. Anyway, still two sugars?

ROBERT: Only when I’m depressed.

REBECCA: Well we’re all depressed by this Hell Plot and even though you’re so happy about this baby all of a sudden, you still radiate *Depressed about my failed marriage* so two sugars it is then.

ROBERT: *Shakes brandy bottle aggressively to once again drive home the point that it’s laced with drugs to the general audience* #Foreshadowing

[Home Farm with Robert, Liv and Rebecca]

*Angry Knocking*

REBECCA: I’m coming. Oh Liv. Perfect. Have you come to yell at me again?

LIV: Yep! Don’t bother being nice. I don’t like you. The fans don’t like you. And you know what, Robert doesn’t like you either.

ROBERT: *Runs downstairs* Liv! Stop ruining my plans! I’M GOING TO GO ALL SHOUTY MODE ON YOU SOON SO THAT REBECCA DOESN’T GET SUSPICIOUS!

LIV: Why were you upstairs? Are you two? Is all of the fandom panic right? Does the Plot want you two together?

ROBERT: No, of course not. But I have to pretend to care about the baby so that Rebecca keeps me around so I can take over Home Farm because I failed at my marriage and the last time I felt success before that was when I was running this place.

REBECCA: Listen Liv, I get that you’re upset. #Understatement

LIV: How does it feel standing in the way of two people who should be together if you hadn’t stuffed up and gotten pregnant? #SpeakingForTheFandom

REBECCA: This Plot isn’t all my fault. It takes two people to get pregnant and if I can shove the blame onto Robert I absolutely will.

LIV: Don’t speak to me like I’m five.

ROBERT: *SHOUTY MODE ACTIVATE* DON’T SHOUT AT HER LIKE THAT. ONLY I GET TO BE SHOUTY IN THIS SCENE!

LIV: Are you sticking up for her now? Only yesterday he wished that you and him never happened!

REBECCA: I think everyone can agree on that! #Understatement

ROBERT: *SHOUTY MODE* GET OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW LIV! STOP RUINING MY COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY SCHEMES!

LIV: SORRY ROB, NO CAN DO. REBECCA, HE SAID HE HATES YOU AND THAT STUPID BABY!!!

REBECCA: *Stunned Silence* - surprisingly no blinking -

ROBERT: *Oh Fuck please let me be able to talk my way out of this Face*

[Home Farm with Robert, Liv and Rebecca]

REBECCA: I’m having a moment of clarity. You both need to leave now.

ROBERT: *SHOUTY MODE* YOU DON’T ACTUALLY BELIEVE ALL THAT RUBBISH SHE’S SPOUTING? DON’T START GAINING SOME INTELLIGENCE NOW!

LIV: Oh so you didn’t say it? #ThisPlotSucks

ROBERT: YOU’LL SAY ANYTHING TO GET ME AND AARON BACK TOGETHER - please get me and Aaron back together. I miss him so much and I’m failing at it miserably because I’m just so full of bad life choices -

LIV: Are you calling me a liar? You’re the lying liar who lies!

ROBERT: YOU’RE CONFUSED AND ANGRY!

LIV: Yeah, I’m angry and so is most of the fandom. The only one that’s confused is you? Are you sure you understand your motivations for any of this?

ROBERT: IF YOU HAVEN’T GOT ANYTHING GOOD TO SAY JUST GET OUT! - I need a moment of peace to do some damage control -

REBECCA: I can’t deal with this Plot anymore. #Relatable *Leaves*

ROBERT: BEX! Wait! I need to do damage control. Liv, just go to school and DON’T COME BACK HERE BECAUSE YOU’LL RUIN MY CAREFULLY CRAFTED SCHEMES THAT WILL NEVER EVER HAVE ANY #UnintendedConsequences *Leaves*

LIV: *Emotionally Traumatized Face* Grabs Chekhov's Brandy and the keys to the Porsche

[Home Farm with Robert and Rebecca]

ROBERT: She shouldn’t be taking it out on you. It’s me she’s really angry with since I just blatantly lied in front of her for the sake of my pointless scheming.

REBECCA: No no, this is on both of us, which makes me feel like a horrible person.

(FANDOM: It’s about time)

ROBERT: Well it won’t happen again. I’ll make sure she doesn’t interfere with any of my schemes again.

REBECCA: Really? *Unnervingly Rational Mode Activate* Now I should be furious with you but instead I’m going to calmly explain your better life options as though you didn’t just get outed for lying to my face. I can definitely do this whole baby thing on my own. You should get back with Aaron if you can. It’s what everyone wants. I would still let you see the baby. Everything would be fine.

ROBERT: Nope, I have to keep scheming. Every time I see Aaron, he tells me to stay out of his life. I know it’s the Plot trying to tell me it’s hopeless so now I have no choice but to focus on this Filler Plot instead which is absolutely all about you and the baby and definitely not about taking over Home Farm to satisfy my own inadequacy issues. Who cares about those pesky #UnintendedConsequences

REBECCA: *Unnervingly Rational* But Robert, even though I’ve been super annoyed by Liv for the past two days, I think that you were really hard on her and you should go see how she is.

ROBERT: You’re right. I should. I can feel the Plot pulling me in that direction. Thanks for the nudge.

REBECCA: Any time!

ROBERT: *Walks over to the table* Wait...my keys aren’t here?! Uh oh….

[Side of the Road with Liv, the Porsche and the Brandy]

LIV: *Drink Drink Drink, Key A Porsche* Take that! Robert Stupid Sugden #NotTheCar #Relatable

[Side of the Road with Robert and Liv]

ROBERT: *Drives Rebecca’s Tiny Car* #Amusing *Sees the Porsche and gets out* LIV! LIVVVV! LIVVVVVV! *rings her phone* *hears ringing* *Finds Liv passed out* *Sees Chekhov’s Drugged Brandy* #UnintendedConsequences *Genuinely Worried Mode Activate* Liv! Oh no, what have my poor life choices inflicted on you! Please be okay. This will definitely not help me get back with Aaron. Fuck! #IHateThisPlot *Calls Ambulance*

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Adam and Finn and Hotten General with Robert]

*Aaron enters*

AARON: You fancy a pint?

FINN: He needs more than that. He’s got an Eyesight Filler Plot going on.

*Phone Rings* *Aaron glances at it and puts it away*

ADAM: You not gonna answer that?

AARON: No, it’s Robert and I’m currently trying to avoid all things Robert. Especially the lingering feelings I have for him that just won’t go away. I even tried to aggressively hoover them away earlier but I don’t think it worked. Flat looks a bit better though. Anyway, he can do one.

*Phone Rings*

ADAM: Will you just answer it for Plot’s sake!

AARON: Fine. *Answers Phone* What?

ROBERT: *Genuinely Worried Mode* Why weren’t you picking up?!?!

AARON: *Sassy Mode Activate* I just have picked up.

ROBERT: I’m at the hospital. It’s Liv. You have to come now before my #UnintendedConsequences get any worse. #KarmaIsABitch

AARON: *Worried About Liv Mode* What’s happened?!?!?! *Runs off*

[Hotten General with Robert, Some Medical Professionals, Unconscious Liv, Aaron and Dr. Plot Device]

*Liv gets wheeled in*

ROBERT: *Protective Liv Mode Activate* Liv! Liv! Liv!

MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL: I’m sorry, you can’t go in there.

ROBERT: But this is all my fault cause one of my plans went wrong again and she was the #UnintendedConsequence and she’s only a kid and she needs me! #INeedHer

MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL: Can you tell us what she may have taken?

ROBERT: Ummm…this is Liv, I should be honest, cause it actually matters to me. Umm...a bottle of brandy and uhh...some Diazapam that I was drugging the grandfather of my unborn child with.

MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL: *What the hell is wrong with you Face*

ROBERT: She’s gonna be okay though right? Cause this will definitley ruin things for sure with Aaron and I really can’t be alone forever. Do you see what happens when I’m on my own?!!! It’s bad!

MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL: We’ll do everything we can to fix your mistakes.

*Aaron enters*

AARON: *Panicked Protective Liv Mode* *Touches Robert Unnecessarily For Comfort and Old Time’s Sake* Where is she?

ROBERT: She’s unconscious because I’m an idiot but let me make up a whole bunch of lies about how I found her because why not dig myself in even deeper than I already am.

DR PLOT DEVICE: Mr. Sugden

ROBERT: Hello Dr Plot Device, meet Aaron. Aaron, this is Dr Plot Device. He’ll be playing the part of your potential Love Interest this week, which I’m sure will really piss me off and make me really sad. Oh yeah...and he’s Liv’s brother.

AARON: Hey, I really don’t care about you. I just want to see my sister.

DR PLOT DEVICE: You can see her when she wakes up. And Robert, thanks for that lovely introduction. Now, let me ruin your standing in Aaron’s eyes a bit more so that he’s more likely to look my way later this week, by dropping you right in it. Aaron, Liv had diazepam in her system. Ring any bells for you?

AARON: *Putting the puzzle pieces together Face* Thanks Doc, it does. See you later.

ROBERT: *Runs away from Aaron down the hall*

AARON: *Grabs and slightly strokes Robert’s arm* Not so fast. I know you way better than other people. The Plot let me find that little blue pill for exactly this reason. What are you up to and how did my sister get caught up in it?

ROBERT: First, you need to calm down…

AARON: We’ve had enough of these scenes for you to know that that’s not going to happen. Just tell me.

ROBERT: Well, to recap for you. Liv came up to Home Farm to have a go at Rebecca for being a Plotstacle standing in the way of our true love and happiness. Things got heated because she was going to blow my scheme to Rebecca and I couldn’t have that. And then she stole my car.

AARON: Oh this just keeps getting better and better #RelatableAF

ROBERT: Oh and she might have stolen a bottle of brandy that I had laced with diazepam...I really hate that I can’t lie to you.

AARON: *Wall Shove* - For the fans - #Nostalgia #NowKiss

ROBERT: Look Liv didn’t know about the diazepam. It was meant for Lawrence not her. It’s just a Filler Plot Aaron! It doesn’t have to mean anything!

AARON: Oh so drugging your unborn child’s granddad is so much better! If your Filler Plot Scheme gets my *Voice Break* gets my sister killed then I will end you! #CasualDeathThreats #Foreplay

ROBERT: *Oh god I hate this Plot and this mess I’m in and now I’m utterly heartbroken because now there really is no hope and he might as well flirt with Dr Plot Device Face* #ThisPlotSucks #AreWeBackTogetherYet

Chapter Text

19 September 2017

[Hotten General with Aaron, Unconscious Liv and Dr Plot Device]

*Adorable Sleepy Aaron By Liv’s Bedside* - for the fans -

*Dr Plot Device Enters*

AARON: *Wakes up* Is she gonna be okay?

DR PLOT DEVICE: We’ll know more when she wakes up but all the fancy medical stuff we’ve done is doing it’s job. Expect another miracle Plot cure from Hotten General. *Creepy Flirty Smile With An Extra Forced Smile At The End Alert* #FlirtingWithYourPatientsBrotherIsSoHard Has she ever done anything like this before?

AARON: Umm...no...this was all Robert’s fault...I mean it was an accident. Not that she hasn’t gotten drunk on hard liquor multiple times before but...whatevs

DR PLOT DEVICE: There are support services...people she should probably talk to considering that she’s clearly caught up in a Plot. I’ve seen enough Plot inflicted people come through here before. Honestly, you all need therapy.

*Nice butterflies on a purple wall* - for the Butterfly Blanket of Comfort fans -

AARON: How dare you insinuate that my sister would kill herself? Who do you think you are?!

DR PLOT DEVICE: *Thinks he can wear a pink shirt as well as Robert Sugden* (FANDOM: He cannot) Calm down, we can have a chat about it when she wakes up cause I’m just a super nice and perfect person with lots of hair.

AARON: Don’t tell me to calm down! Only Robert gets to do that and then I yell at him for it. Speaking of Robert, this was all his fault okay. For Liv it was just an accident. See, Robert, my ex husband was drugging an old man, the grandfather of his unborn child, and then he yelled at my sister and she took the drugged brandy because she was upset and well...now we’re here. But it was definitely an accident, one I’m going to end Robert for if she doesn’t wake up. #Dateable

DR PLOT DEVICE: Ummm okay...why don’t you try and get some rest, you clearly need it.

AARON: I’m perfectly fine thank you.

DR PLOT DEVICE: *Inappropriate Mode* Yes you are *Creepy Flirty Smile Alert*

*Paddy and Zak enter*

ZAK: Hospitals are confusing but I braved this maze to come and be the Dingle representative to show that we care. Everyone else was busy.

PADDY: Hi Aaron! I suddenly remembered you existed and that I care about you! Isn’t that great! So...what happened? And I mean now, not all the other times I definitely should have been around but the Plot wouldn’t let me.

DR PLOT DEVICE: I’ll leave you to this touching family reunion. Laters!

AARON: *Crumbling over Liv and about to cry Mode* *Falls into Paddy’s arms* - thanks for existing in this Plot again since I can’t hug Robert anymore -

[Home Farm with Robert, Rebecca, Lawrence, Lachlan and Belle]

REBECCA: Is Liv okay? See how much I care! I think maybe I’m being super reasonable just so you look extra ridiculous but your guess about my motivations is as good as mine.

ROBERT: Who knows but I brought this new bottle of brandy around because that’s what’s really important here.

LAWRENCE: Why are you bringing me new brandy?

ROBERT: Because Liv stole yours yesterday and is now in the hospital because I’m a #AwfulPerson and the Plot wants Aaron to know it so he can flirt with a Doctor. #IHateThisFuckingPlot

LAWRENCE: You knew about this Rebecca and you didn’t tell me?

REBECCA: Well you know...she’s hardly the first teenager to get drunk. What else is there to do in this village as a kid?

LAWRENCE: Well give her my best I suppose. And I’m not drinking at the moment so I don’t need new brandy.

ROBERT: No that won’t do. Stop wrecking my plans! Just keep it for later if you want some. Maybe thursday when I’m really down about Dr Plot Device and Aaron.

*Lawrence shakes his finger at Robert and leaves*

REBECCA: He’s a bit stressed at the moment. Blood test results are due back tomorrow.

ROBERT: I’m sure they’ll be fine considering I switched them with Moira’s...and that’s why Emma thinks I have a drug addiction. God my life is complicated.

REBECCA: Nevermind that. I’m just glad he’s stopped drinking so we can stop having that conversation about me being worried about him all the time. It was getting exhausting for everyone.

ROBERT: Well, I wish Liv would have laid off the drinking so that she didn’t become a #UnintendedConsequence of one of my schemes. This is the part where I’m genuinely worried about her but can’t just be honest about that because then you might just catch on to what I’m doing so I’m going to continue to be weird about it even though I’m pretty transparent most of the time except to you.

REBECCA: Just remember Robert, none of this is your fault.

ROBERT: Well that’s not true…

REBECCA: You should go and see her. I’m sure Aaron won’t mind.

ROBERT: I beg to differ. He’s a hell of a lot more Plot Aware than you.

REBECCA: Again, this is totally not your fault Robert. *Places hand over his for the benefit of a later Plot Point*

*Lachlan and Belle appear at the opportune moment to see*

LACHLAN: Don’t mind us. The Plot wanted me to be here to witness that. I absolutely have no problem with it, I swear. *Leaves*

BELLE: *Follows Lachlan* *How did I get here Face*

REBECCA: Lucky!

ROBERT: *Oh this won’t go well for me either Face*

[Hotten General with Aaron, Liv, Paddy, Zak and Robert]

*Blah Blah Blah This is not an important enough Plot Point for Aaron to bother telling Liv’s Plot Device Mum or his own mum*

*Sees Robert*

AARON: *Runs out to talk to him* What are you doing here?

ROBERT: *Genuinely Concerned Mode* How is she?

AARON: Are you actually serious. This is all your fault Robert, need I remind you?

ROBERT: Maybe, but I’ve hardly slept which is a recurring theme that I should probably pay more attention to. Perhaps if I just actually took some of that diazepam for myself and took a damn nap, I could stop acting like such a crazy person...nah…

AARON: *You definitely need a nap but I also hate you right now Face*

ROBERT: *Self Preservation Mode* How many people have you told?

AARON: Just do one Robert.

ROBERT: *Genuinely Concerned Mode* No wait, I mean, I’m not leaving until I know she’s alright.

AARON: I don’t believe your genuine concern at all. I just think you’re selfish. Oh and Social Services has finally decided to pay a visit because it’s suddenly Plot relevant even though they didn’t come when I went to prison or when she got kicked out of school for a bit or all those other times she got drunk….so anyway, I’m totally sending them your way because I’m mad at you and this is all your fault.

PADDY: She’s waking up!

AARON: Yay! Get lost Robert! And get the Doctor that I’m thinking about maybe replacing him with. *Runs inside to see Liv* *Cute hand hold*

LIV: *Eyes Open to See Aaron* *Cute smile*

ROBERT: *Sadly watches the family he was supposed to have before the Plot got in the way through the window* #ThisPlotSucks #AreWeBackTogetherYet #IWantUsToBeAProperLittleFamily

[Hotten General with Aaron, Liv, Paddy, Zak, Dr Plot Device and Robert]

*Robert is the epitome of the fans suffering through this storyline* #Relatable (FANDOM: At least the ring looks shiny!)

DR PLOT DEVICE: You’re doing great Liv, let me smile at you and be generally pleasant and non threatening. I’ll be back to check on you later and possibly do some more flirting with your brother.

LIV: *Smiles* *That sounds nice Face*

*Dr Plot Device Leaves*

LIV: I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t really drink that much. Is it the Plot?

AARON: Well I’m just glad you’re alright so I don’t actually have to kill Robert because I really don’t want to. But umm…

PADDY: Hey Zak let’s go get Aaron some coffee so that he and Liv can discuss the Plot we know nothing about.

ZAK: Huh? Oh, okay…

*Paddy and Zak leave*

LIV: I really don’t think I drank that much?

AARON: Robert told me you went over to Home Farm to have a go at him. Please tell me every last word he said so I can decide how to feel about this situation.

LIV: Well first let me acknowledge my own mistakes in stealing the brandy because I do that sort of thing. But anyway, I just wanted to get Rebecca to stay away because I wanted you and Rob to be together.

AARON: But it’s not going to happen.

LIV: I know that now and I’ve stopped shipping it–

AARON: *Wait? What? Even I still ship it...secretly Face*

LIV: Not after what he did.

ROBERT: *Appears in the window*

AARON: *Stares at Robert*

LIV: He denied everything he told me the day before about wanting to be with you. He called me a liar. It was like I didn’t mean anything to him.

AARON: *Wait what do you mean he doesn’t still want to be with me Face*

ROBERT: *Sees that Liv is telling Aaron what happened and knows he’s been caught out* *Literally runs away*

AARON: Sorry Liv, I’ve gotta go after him and yell at him about stuff bye!

[Hotten General with Aaron and Robert]

*Robert on the lift vs Aaron on the stairs* - it’s a tie! -

ROBERT: Hey Aaron...I thought you wanted me to go so I was just casually going….

AARON: You called Liv a liar!

ROBERT: *Attempts an excuse*

AARON: I don’t care but I bet the police will!

ROBERT: No Aaron, you totally still care about me. This is just the Plot talking. You wouldn’t do that.

AARON: She only took that brandy because of you, because you upset her for the sake of your precious Filler Plot!

ROBERT: *Self Preservation Mode Activate* Oh is that why she stole my car too?! I will totally sell her out to the police too!

AARON: *Are you actually serious Face*

ROBERT: *Self Preservation Mode Short Circuit* *Genuinely Concerned Mode Back Online* Wait Aaron, I totally didn’t mean that. Reflex you know? It’s like my default setting or something. But really, I would never do that to Liv.

AARON: Well you better not because I’ve got stuff on you too don’t forget. I know that you’re secretly drugging an old man! So stay away from us or I’m going to ruin your life! *Smug Smirk* Yeah. I’m enjoying this far too much but at least I don’t feel empty anymore!

ROBERT: *You ruined my life the day you left me Face* #PleaseComeBack #FuckThisPlot #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[Home Farm with Lachlan, Belle, Rebecca and Lawrence]

LACHLAN: I’m super suspicious of Robert because of that almost hand hold.

BELLE: I think you’re over reacting. God I don’t know why I’m caught up in this Plot. Can you just become a serial killer so I can drop you already?

*Rebecca comes in*

LACHLAN: You know Robert is just trying to take over the business.

REBECCA: So what if he is! Wow and somehow I still don’t really see it. These Plot Goggles are strong. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll stop him. Besides if the company needs investors it doesn’t have to be Robert.

LAWRENCE: I thought our business was doing super well!

REBECCA: Yeah...it’s not cause I suck at business. Didn’t you know? But hey that random investor that called the other day that Robert may or may not have something to do with could be our solution.

LAWRENCE: Actually, I’m feeling great these days. Totally not praying for a quick death anymore which I’m sure means it’s on the horizon. #ReversePsychology But anyway, we totally don’t need that investment, which means you’ll absolutely go for it anyway.

REBECCA: *Thanks for helping me set up that Plot Point Face*

[Hotten General with Aaron, Liv, Dr Plot Device and Paddy]

AARON: How’s she doing Dr Plot Device?

DR PLOT DEVICE: Really good! Oh and call me Alex! *Flirty Smile*

AARON: *Eyes Wide* *Wait What? Face* - was that flirting? I’m not even sure because not nearly enough boys flirt with me -

LIV: *Oooh I ship it Face* #DoctorScrapper

(FANDOM: WHYYYYYYYYY??!!!)

*Cute banter between Liv and Dr Call Me Alex*

*Dr Call Me Alex leaves*

AARON: Hey Paddy can you go? I need to talk to Liv about the Plot again.

PADDY: Sure thing *leaves*

AARON: Hey Liv, so...we need totally lie to social services to protect Robert from himself because he was completely right a couple weeks ago when he said I would absolutely save him back if the situation arose. So… yeah...you’re gonna have to lie. Oh and let me also lie to you about how the drugs were in the brandy. You see, he was just trying to make Lawrence take his medicine.

LIV: That’s super unconvincing Aaron and also really dangerous.

AARON: Just forget about that and stick to the story.

LIV: *Nods* *Makes secret plans to set Aaron up with Dr Call Me Alex*

Chapter Text

20 September 2017

[Outside in the Village with Aaron, Robert and Paddy]

ROBERT: *Constant swapping between Self Preservation Mode and Genuinely Concerned Mode* Hey Aaron...so um…did you tell the police? I mean I totally wouldn’t have told the police about Liv stealing my car. Thanks for not grassing me up. Oh but I’m totally done messing with Lawrence cause I was actually just trying to– Oh and I never meant for Liv to get hurt but uhh she’s seeing social services today right? I mean wait, I’m actually really just concerned for her because it’s a lot for her to take on, lying for us...for me. So ummm do you think she’s going to tell them about the drink being spiked?

AARON: Are you short circuiting or summat mate? #Whiplash

PADDY: Hey, how’s Liv? Look I care two days in a row!!!

AARON: Hey thanks for caring again Patrick! And thanks for caring about her and not just yourself...I think...because you went back and forth so many times Robert, even I’m not sure. I’m going to settle on selfish though because it suits the Plot.

PADDY: Umm...okay...clearly I interrupted something but I’ll roll with it. Wouldn’t want to disrupt the Plot and get kicked out again.

ROBERT: *Self Preservation Mode* Call me when you see her! *Genuinely Concerned Mode* I mean to let me know how she is! #RobotSugden #Shortcircuit

[Home Farm with Rebecca, Lawrence and Lachlan]

LAWRENCE: Are you allowed to be in scenes without Robert, Rebecca?

REBECCA: Yes...I swear I’m not just a Plot Device...and least not just a Plot Device for him. But I’ve asked him to give us some space today cause you’re getting those blood test results back.

LACHLAN: I bet Robert took that really well. I’m quite sure he depends on you being his Plot Device.

REBECCA: He’s not a monster. He really cares about me and the baby.

LITERALLY EVERYONE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

THAT BABY: BAHAHAHAHA He doesn’t care about us AT ALL! You’re so deluded Mum!

[Hotten General with Aaron, Liv, Paddy and Dr Thinks He Has A Shot]

AARON: Now that you’ve gotten your miracle Plot cure, you ready to get out of here?

LIV: Absolutely. All of these other non Plot patients are super annoying and making me murdery.

AARON: So...did you lie about Robert like I asked you to?

LIV: Yes, Aaron, I lied about Robert. He’s off the hook.

AARON: I absolutely did not do this for him, okay. This was all about you. Me and him are SOOOOO over, right?!

LIV: Whatever you say Aaron…

PADDY: Hey I care so much I put in extra money in the meter so we could stay here a bit longer.

AARON: No need Paddy, we’re going now.

LIV: *Matchmaker Mode Activate* *Shipping Doctor Scrapper Alert* Hey Aaron, if you were really over Robert, your gaydar would be going off like crazy right now. *Nods toward Dr Thinks He Has A Shot*

AARON: Stop. But no really...I’m SOOOO over Robert.

PADDY: I want to get in on this banter. I’ve missed this so much! I can hear the gaydar now beep beep beep beep beep!

LIV: He was totally checking you out yesterday even though I had only just recovered and was still his patient but you know...I think it’s definitely meant to be.

AARON: Well everyone should be checking me out cause I’m a #TopBloke but still..shut it.

DR THINKS HE HAS A SHOT: *Walks over* You off?

LIV: *Matchmaker Mode* Yep, now I think it’s high time in this three day non relationship for you two to exchange numbers.

AARON: Liv! #HeIsNotRobert

DR THINKS HE HAS A SHOT: I can’t make it too easy for him. *Flirty Smile* You look after yourself Liv. Thanks for trying to hook me up with your brother. Appreciate the support! *Puts out hand for a handshake*

PADDY: *Oh he must mean me Face* *Puts out hand* *Nevermind Face*

LIV: *Shakes the Doctor’s hand*

DR THINKS HE HAS A SHOT: This has all been fun. *Flirty Smile and Head Toss* Good luck with her Aaron.

AARON: *Bemused what is happening Face*

LIV: Oi! I put a lot of work into that! *Playfully hits Aaron on the arm*

AARON: *Smiles Adorably* Ahhh! Let’s just go before you embarrass me any more.

DR THINKS HE HAS A SHOT: *Smiley Heart Eyes at the guy he only met two days ago* #NotRobert

[Home Farm with Lawrence, Lachlan and Rebecca]

LAWRENCE: Great news! I’m pregnant!

LACHLAN: What?!

REBECCA: There was a mix up with the tests but they’re redoing all the tests from that day.

LAWRENCE: Something about a fire alarm going off that I don’t find suspicious in the least. But they’re doing new tests.

LACHLAN: *I’m highly suspicious Face*

[The Mill Garden with Aaron, Liv, Adam, Paddy and Dr Replacement]

ADAM: Paddy if you need help with the fire, just ask!

PADDY: Remember that time you went to prison for arson!

ADAM: *Back when I had storylines, those were the days Face*

AARON: Liv do we really need all these burgers?

LIV: Definitely. You’ll see. Besides I might get the munchies now that I’m a self proclaimed junkie!

AARON: I’m sorry I made you lie for him…

LIV: I lied for you but I’m totally skeptical of whether or not you’re over him. Do you still love him? Because I could probably forget this whole plan I have if you did.

AARON: *Pregnant Pause* #PunIntended *Least convincing tone ever* No #StopLyingYouLiar

LIV: *Matchmaker Mode Activate* Well good because I invited Dr Replacement to come to our barbeque, hence the extra burgers!

DR REPLACEMENT: *Gets out of his far too sensible car* *Looks awkward*

AARON: *Startled Overwhelmed Face*

[The Mill Garden with Aaron, Liv, Paddy, Adam and Dr Talks About The Weather]

PADDY: I thought you didn’t want to make it easy on him?

DR TALKS ABOUT THE WEATHER: Well I was just minding my own doctorly business, pining over a guy I’d only just met, when Liv stole my phone so that she could invite me here.

AARON: You did what? Look, I’m sorry. She’s umm...dealing with a lot of Plot right now, we all are.

LIV: This is Plot too Aaron and he’s here now so suck it up. I’m off to give you some alone time. Please hook up while I’m gone. Be nice!

AARON: *Please don’t leave me alone with him I have no idea what I’m doing and I still have really conflicted feelings that I’m trying to ignore Face*

DR TALKS ABOUT THE WEATHER: Well she’s determined to get us together…

AARON: Yeah. I’m sorry. I’ll talk to her about the petty theft thing…

DR TALKS ABOUT THE WEATHER: I don’t mind at all. *Flirty Eyes and Smile*

AARON: Well...I do cause I don’t know how I feel about this at all and I’m trying to figure out if this is just a quick Filler Plot or something more long term.

DR TALKS ABOUT THE WEATHER: So...the weather…

AARON: Yep...God this is why i don’t date. Please someone give me a distraction!

ADAM: *Lights the barbeque fire* Look at what an awesome pyromaniac arsonist I am!!! *Laughs hysterically*

AARON: *Thanks Ad Face*

[Outside Keeper’s with Robert and Aaron’s Voicemail]

AARON’S VOICEMAIL: *Most dull message possible* Hiya, this is Aaron’s phone. I’m not here right now. Leave a message.

ROBERT: *Nostalgic eye roll and sigh because he was there the day that Aaron recorded that message on the new phone he bought him after Wales and he teased him relentlessly for it* Hey it’s me, how did it go with social services...wait no...god this is such a terrible reflex. I meant, how’s Liv? Yep that’ll work...umm...you know what...you live like ten feet from me so I’ll just come over. I bet something Plotty is happening because well...it always is.

[The Mill Garden with Aaron, Jealous Robert, Paddy, Adam and Dr Call Me Maybe]

DR CALL ME MAYBE: So...I still have no idea what to say to you but umm...have you lived here long?

AARON: in the village, yeah but here, no...this was supposed to be the home I shared with my– nevermind.

DR CALL ME MAYBE: Should I have not come? I’m sensing this isn’t going to go well for me…

AARON: Well you had to because...Plot.

DR CALL ME MAYBE: Well yeah...but I sense there’s some deeper Plot than Liv.

AARON: There is but I’m in denial about it.

DR CALL ME MAYBE: Right… *What am I still doing here Smile*

JEALOUS ROBERT: *Charges in*

AARON: *Sees Robert* *Sighs*

ADAM: What’s he doing here? I’m really slipping on my Aaron Sitting duties.

PADDY: It’s okay, I’m here to pick up the slack now. Robert, get lost. Aaron’s trying to awkwardly have a date that was set up by his little sister.

JEALOUS ROBERT: I can see that and I DO NOT LIKE IT! I just want to talk to him.

AARON: *Stares at Robert*

PADDY: Look, I’m glad you saved Liv and all but–

JEALOUS ROBERT: *Oh this is NOT happening Face*

PADDY: I don’t think he wants to see you and from my Plot Brief before I jumped back in said that he’s made this VERY clear.

JEALOUS ROBERT: *Shakes his head* *Stalks off angrily*

DR CALL ME MAYBE: Isn’t that the guy that brought Liv in?

AARON: *Still staring at Robert* Umm yeah.

DR CALL ME MAYBE: Are you alright?

AARON: *Turns back to the Doctor* Yeah, yeah, totally, I’m completely over him *Turns to stare at Robert walking away again*

PADDY: I don’t think Robert understands the concept of being an ex.

(FANDOM: No...he really doesn’t and it’s great!)

ADAM: But exes can get back together right?

(FANDOM: Yes, Adam, you tell him!)

PADDY: But the original reason you broke up will still be there…

(FANDOM: #LetTheTheoryLive)

DR CALL ME MAYBE: Well thanks, this has been something...watching you stare in the direction of that guy for the last minute or so but…

AARON: Sorry...this just isn’t how I would have done this Plot.

DR CALL ME MAYBE: Hey I just met you. This Plot is crazy! But here’s my number. So call me maybe.

AARON: *Conflicted Face* - I thought I was supposed to save this for tomorrow but fuck it, I can do it two days in a row -

[The Shop with Robert, Liv and Laurel]

ROBERT: *Genuinely Concerned Mode* How are you Liv?

LIV: Did you tell the police about the car?

ROBERT: *Self Preservation Mode Override* Well how did it go with social services?

LIV: They think I’m a pill popping junkie but you’re in the clear.

ROBERT: Great, and I totally would never have gone to the police about the car. It was just an empty threat. But enough about that, I hope someday we can be friends again. All of us. I’ll take whatever I can get. I just miss my little family so much.

LIV: In your dreams Robert! Look I’m a complete Doctor Scrapper shipper now for the sake of this part of the Plot so let me just say that Aaron definitely wants you out of our lives cause he’s at home with a #HotDoctor. Alex is a #TopBloke and he saved me unlike you who put me in hospital in the first place. Anyway, I’m staying at Gabby’s tonight so they can have the place to themselves because Aaron is totally into him and who knows what they might get up to. Face it Robert, you’ve been replaced! And I couldn’t be more thrilled about it!

ROBERT: *This is my worst nightmare coming true Face* *I have to go deal with this RIGHT NOW Face* *Runs out*

LAUREL: You know Gabby’s not back from her Plot Hiatus for a few days right?

LIV: Oh yeah, I know...just messing with a jealous Robert. So much fun!

[The Woolpack with Robert, Rebecca, Lawrence and Lachlan]

LACHLAN: So...I’m definitely still suspicious and think there’s something weird going on with this whole fire alarm test result mix up thing.

LAWRENCE: There’s plenty of people in need of fake drama–

*Cue Robert walking in*

ROBERT: Hey Rebecca I totally care about you. Honest. I’m not seething right now because Aaron is with Dr Not My Replacement. How are you?

REBECCA: Great! I really loved those three texts you set me. Made me feel really important to you.

ROBERT: Good! Well I can scratch that whole fake concern off my to do list then. Let’s see, what’s next. Lawrence you’re drinking again. Blood tests went well?

LAWRENCE: Well there was a mix up actually but they redid the tests today. Feeling so much better though.

ROBERT: *Well that just won’t do Face* Great...for you...I suppose….ugh…

REBECCA: Still think we should look into that investor.

ROBERT: Oh yes definitely, but make sure you have them properly vetted first. You never know how shady my contacts are.

LAWRENCE: We won’t be vetting anyone actually because I’m the picture of perfect health who definitely does not have a death sentence hanging over me, so we won’t need any outside investors.

ROBERT: *Again, that really doesn’t work for me Face*

[The Mill with Aaron, Paddy and Adam]

AARON: So what is it you followed me in here to say?

PADDY: *Returns to form stuttering over awkward metaphors*

AARON: *Confused Face*

ADAM: Hey, gotta go, I might be getting back with Vic!

AARON: That’s great! If you get back together maybe I will t– Sorry...reflex.

*Adam Leaves*

AARON: So..what’s your point Paddy?

PADDY: Right, I want you to decide if you’re over Robert and saying it is not the same as being it because honestly Aaron, no one believes you when you do say it. Look, I know it may not seem like it lately, but I really do love you. I hope you know that even though the Plot has kept me away. I just really want you to be happy okay, even if you do choose Robert. Never thought I’d say that. You just need to make up your mind.

AARON: *Didn’t see that coming Face*

*Paddy Leaves*

AARON: *Takes out Dr Call Me Maybe’s number* I’ll show them how over Robert I am! Maybe myself too! Denial is great!

[Home Farm with Rebecca and Lawrence]

LAWRENCE: *Blah Blah Blah* Ronnie had I had plans for the rest of our lives and now it’s all over. *Picks up letter* Oh wait! Here’s a letter from him now! How convenient!

REBECCA: Aww! Well I’ll leave you to read it in peace.

LAWRENCE: *Opens letter* *Reads* *Face slowly falls* *Cries* *Crumples Robert’s hard forgery work in despair!*

[Outside the Mill with Aaron, Dr Rebound and Not-So-Stealth Robert]

DR REBOUND: *Gets out of his car* *Has apparently changed his shirt* *Tries to pull off a patterned shirt* #NotRobertSugden

NOT-SO-STEALTH ROBERT: *He does not wear a patterned shirt as well as me Face*

DR REBOUND: Didn’t think I’d hear from you again. Thought maybe this Plot was over. Certainly didn’t expect you to call today.

AARON: Yeah well, the Plot seems to want this to move really fast so…I didn’t drag you away from anything important did I?

DR REBOUND: I literally only exist for you, so...no. *Flirty Smile*

AARON: *Miserable Attempt At A Flirty Smile* *Awkward Silence*

DR REBOUND: I can’t do this–

NOT-SO-STEALTH ROBERT: That works for me! Sorry...continue...but you know...also don’t cause I’m dying over here.

DR REBOUND: What was that voice? Nevermind. Anyway, you’re gonna have to tell me what you want because the Plot only forced me to be here. I didn’t actually find out how far this was going to go.

AARON: Well...I...uh...want you...to uh...come in...and then we’ll um...take it from there. #Awkward

DR REBOUND: *Flirty Smile* *Shuffles through the door awkwardly getting close to Aaron* Good!

AARON: *Closes eyes* *You can do this Face* - Yep, I’m so over Robert! -

*Camera pans back to Not-So-Stealth Robert*

NOT-SO-STEALTH ROBERT: *Stealth Mode Deactivate*

UTTERLY HEARTBROKEN ROBERT: *Looks like the world is over and he’s about to die Face* #WeAreNeverEverEverGettingBackTogether #EvenTaylorSwiftCantSaveMe #FuckThisPlot

Chapter Text

EPISODE ONE:

DR CAN’T TAKE A HINT: So…*Cheesy pick up line* Wow that was bad. Are you not into me or something?

AARON: Umm..yeah…you don’t like cars, you can’t handle your alcohol and would never survive a Dingle Christmas and I honestly have nothing to say to you and would rather stare at my husband.

JEALOUS ROBERT: Oh my god he’s moving on and I’m never getting him back ever. Hey Dr Replacement! I fucking hate you and I’m dying inside but you better treat my #BeautifulHusband right or else! And trust me when I say you don’t want to find out about the ‘or else!” Also, he deserves the fucking world so…I’m going to go self destruct now. *Short Circuit* *Breakdown Mode Activate* *Sanity Fleeing For it’s Life*

LOST THE PLOT ROBERT: Why hello Lawrence. You don’t even have the brainpower to comprehend what I’m about to do to you. But first, since Maxine is writing this, let me talk about my sexuality so people can be happy for five minutes before I do what I’m about to do for the sake of the Plot. What the fuck is this fucking Plot? How have I not reached #RockBottom yet?!?!?!?! Oh God!

EPISODE TWO:

LOST THE PLOT ROBERT: Wait?! Really?! Are we sure about this? Cause this is beyond insane?!?!?! I really just want Aaron back and this DOES NOT SEEM LIKE THE WAY TO GET HIM BACK?!!?!?!?!?!?!

(MAXINE: I’m so sorry Robert! They’re making me write this.)

(RYAN: And this is airing on my birthday? Thank god I don’t have social media!)

(MAXINE: I’m so sorry Ryan! I’m sure you’ll play it fantastically!)

*Gratuitous Nudity* - for the fans -

(FANDOM: Ummmmmmm…..????? What the fuck are we watching?!?!)

FINN: Oh dear god I need brain bleach!!! #Relatable

*Cute Bonding Scenes with Liv and Aaron where they both talk about missing Robert as he’s doing whatever it is he’s doing* - for the fans -

(FANDOM: *Still Traumatized* Umm thanks?! I’m sure we’ll enjoy that at a later date…)

Chapter Text

[Outside The Woolpack with Robert and the Plot Investor]

NOT-SO-STEALTH ROBERT: *Sees Kath leave the pub* *Stealth Mode Malfunction* *Honks Horn*

PLOT INVESTOR: *Gets into Robert’s Porsche* Here. They did everything you said they would. The Plot must really like you.

ROBERT: *Heartbroken Face* No, it really doesn’t. You can go now.

PLOT INVESTOR: Charming! No thank you? No Congratulations. That brilliant performance could have been my ticket to being a star!

ROBERT: It’s nowhere close to my brilliant performances these past several weeks pretending to care about a woman and a baby that I hate…and other stuff I’d rather block out. And I didn’t even have anyone telling me what my proper motivations for any of it were! I’ve just had to wing it…which is never a good idea. Anyway, your thank you will be in the mail on Monday because we don’t do weekends here.

PLOT INVESTOR: Is it weird that I enjoyed this? #SpeakingForTheHalfTraumatizedFandom

ROBERT: I hope not because even though none of this makes any sense, sometimes I enjoy it too. It’s quite fun getting a way with stuff when the Plot clouds everyone’s brains around me so that they buy into everything I’m doing even though they absolutely shouldn’t. It’s a good thing Chrissie’s off trying to befriend half the village in the vain hope the Plot will let her stick around, otherwise, there’s no way any of this would have worked.

PLOT INVESTOR: Just one thing I’m curious about. Rug Tree Bonds?! Why?!?!

ROBERT: *Nerd Robert Mode Activate* *Ugh Peasants Face* Bonds. Rug Tree Bonds. It’s a anagram. Think about it.

PLOT INVESTOR: *Thinks really hard* Ohhh I get it. Robert Sugden. Wow you have too much time on your hands.

ROBERT: What else is there to do in a world without Aaron Dingle?

PLOT INVESTOR: Ummm…okay. Enjoy Home Farm! See ya!

ROBERT: *Slight Satisfied Smile* *Can’t even manage a trademark Smugden Smirk* *Probably thinks about Aaron* #WhatIsThisPlot #AaronSaveMeBeforeIDoAnyMoreDamage

Chapter Text

16 October 2017

[The Woolpack with Robert, Charity, Ross and Rebecca]

ROSS: Pint to drown my sorrows in please.

CHARITY: Now that I’m done outing people today I’m going to be sensible now and tell you to go home.

ROSS: To what? The Plot killed my dad, my mum and the brother I actually cared about.

CHARITY: Right...there’s our son too, but we forget about him often enough that he doesn’t really matter. But anyway, go on, make your comment about my Plot with Vanessa.

ROSS: Eh, I’ve got too much going on in my own Plot to really care. But I’m relentlessly heteronormative so I totally did not see it coming.

ROBERT: I did. Hi, Robert Sugden, bisexual icon. I was only in these scenes today because I’m bi. But anyway, *casual shrug* turns out gaydar does exist. And I think you and Vanessa make a great couple, I mean not as good as me and Aaron obviously. #AreWeBackTogetherYet But I would really like us to be the Blonde Bisexual Squad we deserve to be if the Plot would ever allow it. It’s just a shame she dumped you for Daz, cause even though I would never let you know normally, you are way more attractive than Daz could ever hope to be.

CHARITY: Well...thanks, but it’s a one-off anyway.

*Rebecca enters*

CHARITY: Speaking of one-offs! Perfect timing Bex. Look Robert! It’s the reason Aaron dumped you. It’s such a shame your one off ruined your life!

ROBERT: *Please don’t spoil the Plot Face* *Checks to see if Rebecca has heard the painfully obvious truth*

REBECCA: *Smeagol Voice* Not listening, Not listening! Huh? Plot Brain is so peaceful. Orange juice please Charity! And two packets of crisps because LOL I’m eating for two! In case anyone forgot, I’m STILL pregnant!

ROBERT: Oh god don’t remind– I mean hey, what’s up? Robert Sugden, pseudo concerned boyfriend here!

REBECCA: Oh the usual. You know, Chrissie just thinking she’s right all the time. She even had the gall to suggest that Kath’s investment might be sketchy! I mean honestly, where could she possibly have come up with such an idea?

ROBERT: *Red Alert Face* - Play it cool Sugden - I know, right! I can’t imagine where she would get that idea from! I hope you told her this Plot has nothing to do with her. It’s clearly all about us. #SorryAaron #TheThingsIDoForPlot

REBECCA: *Whines* I tried! But she insists that she’s better than better than me at business stuff, which is frankly ridiculous!

ROBERT: Totally! I mean it’s not like you consistently begged me to help you with business things for Plot purposes since the moment you arrived. You’ve obviously proved yourself and your dad is really impressed...and if he’s not...I’ll make sure he changes his mind because I’m doing lots of stuff to him right now to ensure his loyalty. But really she’s just jealous and you should totally not let her get to you. *I hate this Plot Face* #IsItChristmasYet #AreWeBackTogetherYet #IMissHavingLunchAtThePubWithAaron

Chapter Text

20 October 2017

[Home Farm with Robert and Lawrence]

LAWRENCE: I can’t believe that any of my family are buying this Plot at all?! It’s so absurd. I’m exempt from this obviously because you and I share a deep connection that transcends the Plot, but Lachlan he’s suspicious. #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise What were you doing with that camera anyway?

ROBERT: I was watching of course.

LAWRENCE: Me? It wasn’t just about Tim?

ROBERT: *Puppet Master Mode Activate* I’m always on the outside of everything. Wow that was way too honest, better amend that. What I mean is that even you are doubting me and I murdered a man for you Larry! That’s the kind of bond we have! I...I think I have feelings about stuff. #AaronSaveMeFromMyself

LAWRENCE: Why?

ROBERT: That’s the question isn’t it. Let me be brutally honest with your for a moment under the guise of sarcasm. Because I feel nothing for you. Because I can’t stand you. Right that’s enough of that. Back to Puppet Master Mode. Remember that thing about me killing a guy for you! I’m gonna milk that for all it’s worth! We just...we can’t help what we feel, Lawrence. #GiveMeMyOscar

LAWRENCE: *Robert Revelation Face* *Heart Eyes*

ROBERT: *I feel way too uncomfortable under the gaze of anyone but Aaron’s heart eyes so now I have to go Face*

LAWRENCE: Don’t go! I hate it when you’re not here. Which is basically never because you keep finding some reason to be here and I should totally be suspicious of that but I’m #BlindedByLove

ROBERT: Great! Another reason to stay! *This is too easy Face* *Forces self to touch Lawrence’s shoulder so he’ll really get the message*

LAWRENCE: *This is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me Face*

ROBERT: *I’d like to thank the Academy and my hatred for myself and the entire White Family including my unborn child and the loss of THE Aaron Dingle for inspiring me to perform this role Face* #IsItChristmasYet? #AreWeBackTogetherYet?

Chapter Text

1 November 2017

[Home Farm with Robert, Lawrence and Rebecca]

PLOTBECCA: Hi I’m only in this scene to remind people that I still exist. Don’t worry, I’ll leave shortly once I’ve fulfilled my purpose. How are you feeling Dad? Oh god, am I really back to this line again? Ugh. #Dejavu

LAWRENCE: Like I need to go back to sleeping through this Plot because it’s getting far too insane. #Relatable

ROBERT: *Soft Lawrence Voice* *Dripping With Fake Concern* Well you did drink a lot. I should know, I poured it for you.

LAWRENCE: Did I? I can’t remember. Actually, that’s brilliant. Can I forget the rest of the Plot too? #Relatable

PLOTBECCA: You passed out and I’m super concerned about you for this one scene that I’m in. I thought you’d stopped all this drinking Dad. Anyway, it means you missed Lucky coming to apologize to you.

LAWRENCE: Damn, that probably would have been amusing. Oh well.

PLOTBECCA: *Phone Rings* Oh! That’s my cue to leave because my line quota has been met. See ya when I give birth and become almost relevant to the Plot again!

*Plotbecca leaves*

ROBERT: *Phew!* So, that apology/murder threat that Lucky gave you while you were passed out from the drugs I happen to carry around all the time and slipped into your drink, totally saved you from telling everyone about our totally real and genuine relationship and feelings for each other. Lucky save that!

LAWRENCE: I know right! What on earth was I thinking?!?!

ROBERT: Don’t worry so much. It’s all good. My plans were saved for another day!

[The Shop with Lachlan]

LACHLAN: *Casually rewatching home movies of murder threats on repeat* #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise

[Outside in the Village with Lachlan and Robert]

ROBERT: *Sees Lachlan drive up in his new scrap car* *Smugden Mode Activate* Hey Princess! Nothing at all there referencing my continued internalized homophobia. Anyway, moving on. What’s up?

LACHLAN: Just get in!

ROBERT: Sorry, you’re gonna need a better pick up line than that. Though if Aaron said that to me, I would totally be getting stuck in right now in the back seat in some layby but whatevs!

LACHLAN: I know you don’t care, but Rebecca’s gone into labor.

ROBERT: *Almost concern* You’re right, I don’t care, but it’s integral to my scheming, so...what? When?!

LACHLAN: Just now and apparently it’s super serious cause it’s early and there was blood...I like blood...anyway, just get in. Also, I hate you.

ROBERT: Right, I will totally get in this car with you. Nothing can go wrong here. At least I’m in the passenger seat and not the boot. #Progress

LACHLAN: *Working on his Smugden Smirk*

[On the road with Lachlan and Robert]

ROBERT: Hey, so I’ve just been briefed that the Plot would like me to goad you into wanting to murder me too instead of just your granddad, so instead of continuing to play my part and act concerned about Rebecca, I’m just going to be really smug about all my plans working out for once. I’ve got Lawrence on side cause he’s in love with me, Rebecca’s having my kid in theory and for some Plot reason, you’re mum is totally cool with me again. It’s just like old times. Isn’t that great Lucky?

LACHLAN: *Potential Serial Killer Mode Activate* *Drives Faster* *Almost hits another car*

ROBERT: Hey! Careful! I’d totally be having flashbacks to last year’s car crash if it were important to the Plot! Instead I’m going to gloat about how I’m going to give Lawrence a blood grandson. He’s gonna be so excited!

LACHLAN: *Swerves the car onto a side road and starts driving even faster*

ROBERT: The Plot wants me to panic, so what are you doing? Why are you driving so fast? Stop! Slow down! I have to live until my reunion with Aaron! I mean...I’m gonna be a dad! I think! #LetTheTheoryLive Are you trying to kill us both?!?!?!

LACHLAN: Now there’s an idea!!!

*Car slows down...doesn’t even screech to a halt*

ROBERT: *Gets out of the car and grabs Lachlan* You absolute lunatic! Yes I’m a hypocrite! But you could have killed us!

LACHLAN: Well this is boring. *Sucker punches Robert in the stomach and knocks him over* *Pins him down* *Grabs a rock reminiscent of the rock Robert once tried to kill Chas with*

ROBERT: *Struggles* *Not the return of the potato rock Face*

LACHLAN: Hey! You know what would be cool. Killing someone. Should I do it fast or slow, do you think?

ROBERT: *Plot Scared* Just tell me what you want so we can move the Plot along!

LACHLAN: A bit of respect would be nice.

ROBERT: Sure, why not.

LACHLAN: Great, cause if I don’t get it, I’m gonna kill you when the Plot tells me to. Now, sing it with me!

LACHLAN AND ROBERT: R-E-S-P-E-C-T

LACHLAN: LOUDER!

ROBERT: R-E-S-P-E-C-T Find out what it means to...you?

LACHLAN: Great! Glad we understand each other. Oh and by the way, I was lying about Rebecca. She only gets one scene in this episode. Have fun walking back!

ROBERT: *Rolls around on the ground* - for the fans

[Home Farm with Lachlan, Lawrence, Plotbecca, Chrissie and Robert]

LAWRENCE: Thanks so much for coming back and apologizing to me when I was too out of it to hear your murder threats!

LACHLAN: No problem granddad!

ROBERT: *Enters looking shaken*

PLOTBECCA: Look! I get an extra scene to remind everyone one more time that I’m still pregnant!

CHRISSIE: We’re toasting Lucky’s return Robert! Isn’t that great?

LAWRENCE: What have you done to your face?

ROBERT: Cut myself shaving.

CHRISSIE: - hmm I’ve heard that excuse before -

LACHLAN: Hey Rob, I was just telling granddad how sorry I am. I guess I should apologize to you too.

LAWRENCE: I wouldn’t hear of it. None of us should be apologizing to Robert. Now if only the Plot would let us see that. But enough about that. Let’s toast to the future cause I’m dead sure we’ll have one!

THE WHITES: To the future! #Irony

LACHLAN: *Clinks glasses with Robert*

ROBERT: *Can this Plot be over soon please Face* #IsItChristmasYet? #AreWeBackTogetherYet #JustPutMeInAComaSoICanWakeUpToSomethingDifferent

Chapter Text

8 November 2017

[Home Farm Office with Robert, Lachlan, Chrissie and Lawrence]

ROBERT: Hey guess what, I got an awesome job offer that will take me away from the village and this Plot! It’s super top secret though and I can’t tell you anything about it because it’s actually completely fake.

LACHLAN: You’re moving! I’m planning the party!

CHRISSIE: Umm…what about Rebecca?

LAWRENCE: What about me?!

ROBERT: *Contemplative Face* Hmm yeah I suppose I should talk to the mother of my child considering I’m still pretending like I really want to be a good dad.

*Robert leaves*

LAWRENCE: WE MUST CONVINCE HIM TO STAY!!!! For Rebecca obvs! *Robert is the love of my life, who cares about Ronnie Face*

[Home Farm with Robert, Rebecca and Lawrence]

REBECCA: Oh…but I thought you were totally into being with me and the baby now? Is that not still what’s happening? I’m so confused these days. I mean, I finally got to have some actual lines about myself today and now I’m all flustered. I just told Chrissie I didn’t think you were reliable even though before I was all ‘Robert is the bestest ever!’ and now you’re leaving? Am I psychic? Wow, I’ve totally lost the Plot now. But you still love me right?

ROBERT: Umm sure…whatever works for you.

*Rebecca leaves*

LAWRENCE: Don’t leave me!

ROBERT: I don’t want to Lawrence, but I’m nothing here. This fictional well paying job is way more than I’d have here where I own 30% of Home Farm without your knowledge, half of Home James, have a stake in the scrapyard that my beautiful husband who I love works at. But really, it’s tearing me up inside to leave you.

LAWRENCE: Tell me what I can do to make it better?!?! I’ll do anything!

ROBERT: 10% of Home Farm wouldn’t go amiss. I’m still trying to fill the Aaron shaped hole in my life and our own closeness is just a way to more money for me.

LAWRENCE: *I hate this Plot Face* *Just let me kiss it better Face* (JOHN: Please don’t make me kiss him! What have I done to deserve this Plot?!)

Chapter Text

[Hotel in Hotten with Robert and Lawrence]

ROBERT: *Knocks on door*

LAWRENCE: *This is my moment Face* *Opens door* Why come in Robert.

ROBERT: *Enters* *Casually here for a business meeting Face* *Why is there no one else here Face* *Oh my god there’s a bed Face* *What the fuck have I gotten myself into Face* *Dear God Help Me Face* *Opens and closes mouth a few times* *Can’t find words* We’ve got a meeting in a bedroom?!?! Umm...

LAWRENCE: Yes, Robert, we do.

ROBERT: *Abort Abort Face* Where are the others? *Sheer panic Face*

LAWRENCE: There are no others Robert. Just me and you.

ROBERT: *Oh god I said that to Aaron once and I don’t think he felt like this after Face* #WhyPlotWhy

-- scene break --

ROBERT: *Why am I still in this scene Face*

LAWRENCE: Drink? It helps with the Plot.

ROBERT: Yes please.

LAWRENCE: I heard about your proposal to that other guy and all the bread and I just thought I’d set the mood with some sandwiches, you like sandwiches right?

ROBERT: Hummus and coriander are my favorite but I uhh... really need to be anywhere else but in this scene right now... *How did I get here Face* *This is Maxine’s fault and she’s usually so good to me Face*

LAWRENCE: How about instead you have a seat and I’ll willfully ignore the petrified look on your face?

ROBERT: *I want to die Face* *Sits down reluctantly*

LAWRENCE: I’ve been wanting to get you on your own since yesterday so I could tell you how worried i am about how I’ve made you feel...

ROBERT: *I’m more concerned with how you feel at the moment Face*

LAWRENCE: You know, how you feel undervalued.

ROBERT: Oh, oh this is about the job I made up. Oh I can totally talk about that. I thought this was something else...

LAWRENCE: And...frustrated

ROBERT: *Panicked, please don’t mean sexually Face* #IMissAaron

LAWRENCE: Actually I feel the same way...

ROBERT: *Oh god please don’t tell me you feel sexually frustrated Face* #ThisPlotIsTheWorst

LAWRENCE: *Stumbles over words* Actually I’m quite nervous.

ROBERT: *SO AM I Face*

LAWRENCE: You deserve to have whatever you want in life.

ROBERT: *Aaron! I choose Aaron Face* Well you know that job I made up sounds really good right about now...

LAWRENCE: But that would take you away from here, away from me.

ROBERT: *That sounds pretty great right now Face*

LAWRENCE: Money! You love money! I can match her offer and then you can stay here, exactly where you want to be. *Touches Robert’s Arm*

ROBERT: *Looks at Lawrence’s hand on his arm* *I literally want to earth to open up and swallow me whole Face* *Please stop touching my Arm Face* #SaveMe

LAWRENCE: You want me...

ROBERT: *No I really really don’t it was all lies Face*

LAWRENCE: And I want you...

ROBERT: *Oh my god what have I done Face* #FuckingKarma

LAWRENCE: *Stumbles over words again because he’s so overwhelmed with his feelings for Robert* I’m ready to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

ROBERT: *Closes eyes in silent prayer Face* Yes but...

LAWRENCE: Oh yes, there are obstacles. Of course there are. There’s my daughters...you remember them. You married one and knocked up the other. Oh and then there’s Lucky my one plot point away from being a serial killer grandson and your former stepson. But you know, they’ll get over it I’m sure.

ROBERT: Umm...I really don’t think they will. And I don’t think I will.

LAWRENCE: Doesn’t matter, I’ll deal with them. But it’ll be worth it! Us together, the dynamic duo, causing trouble.

ROBERT: *I miss Aaron so much right now Face* #FuckThisPlot #MyNightmareBeforeChristmas Yeah...of course it will be worth it. *I want to die Face*

LAWRENCE: *Smiling he loves me Face* Great! I knew you’d see it my way!

-- scene break --

ROBERT: *Nibble Nibble* *Eats sandwiches as slowly as humanly possible* *Stares at bed with paralyzing fear*

LAWRENCE: You’ve gone very quiet. Are my seduction techniques that bad?

ROBERT: I’m just thinking. - Think of ways to get the hell out of this because I don’t know how I got here. Come on Plot, give me a sign?! Is this supposed to show me just how off the rails and insane I’ve been lately cause I get it! I really do! I’m a human disaster. Now just get me the fuck out of here! -

LAWRENCE: Ah yes...thinking. I’ve done nothing but think since yesterday...imagining what would happen once I got you here. Actually I’ve been thinking about that for quite some time.

ROBERT: *I want to claw my own flesh off rather than be in this room Face* But have you really thought about the implications of all this Lawrence. Cause I have and it’s fucking terrifying. I’ve done a lot of awful awful things to your family and I can’t take any of that back but I really hope that Redemption Plot is going to kick in soon and I hope that this is foreshadowing that. Anyway, I’m still afraid that the current Plot is going to make me cause more damage and I’m just so tired of it. I just want to go back to the Mill and curl up with Aaron again. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

LAWRENCE: We’re the same you and I you know.

ROBERT: *No God, please don’t say that. This can’t be my future Face*

LAWRENCE: I’ve spent a lifetime denying myself the happy gay life I should have chosen. And you! Look at the lengths you’ve gone to to avoid the same thing! *Laughs*

ROBERT: *Thinking about the lengths I would go to to get out of this situation Face* *Unfortunately we’re all done with these sandwiches Face* *I should have eaten slower Face* Do you want a drink? That’s a good stalling technique! *Gets up and goes to get the champagne* *Why don’t I have those drugs with me now Face* #Unprepared

LAWRENCE: *Walking over* We’ve been afraid of the world, but you’ve stopped being afraid.

ROBERT: *No no, still plenty afraid Face*

LAWRENCE: You’ve embraced who you are and I want to do the same.

ROBERT: *But first, alcohol Face* *Hands over the champagne* *hands touch* *Dies inside*

LAWRENCE: No no, I was drunk last time...so drunk I don’t remember it. Funny that. #LetTheTheoryLive But no, this time, I want to be completely sober.

-- scene break --

ROBERT: *I want to be anywhere but here holding your hands in some sort of weird foreplay thing right now Face* I really don’t want you to have any regrets and let me assure you, the Plot wants you to have regrets. I just need it to want you to have them RIGHT NOW!

LAWRENCE: I’ve led a life of regrets...

ROBERT: Me too...oh god we are similar aren’t we?! *Help Me Face* I can’t be the person who keeps ruining your family even though I absolutely am but I’m hoping the Plot lets me stop all of that soon...you know with the baby and everything.

LAWRENCE: You’ll be part of the family! And that won’t be at all weird! #BlindedByLove

ROBERT: *I can’t think of anything worse right now Face*

LAWRENCE: You’re nervous *Oblivious chuckle* I get it. My heart is racing too.

ROBERT: Yes! You have heart problems! Sorry, er...I mean that’s not good! Let’s get you sat down and then while you’re distracted, I’ll run-

LAWRENCE: No! I’m fine! This is the best I’ve ever been!

ROBERT: *This is the worst I’ve ever been Face*

LAWRENCE: You accept me for who I am. Even Ronnie couldn’t do that. You accept the fact that I lied to my daughter for years and basically caused a man to kill himself. You get me!

ROBERT: *Rapid Panicked Breathing*

LAWRENCE: *Seductive Voice* Robert...

ROBERT: *Terrified Voice* Yeah?

LAWRENCE: *Puts hands on Robert’s face* We can do this...

ROBERT: *No we can’t Face* *Surely the Plot wouldn’t let this happen if it still wants me and Aaron back together Face* *Oh Shit Face*

LAWRENCE: *Leans in for the kiss*

ROBERT: *Plot Phone Rings* OH THANK THE LORD! I mean *Shakes Lawrence off* one second, let me just get this VERY IMPORTANT phone call. *Answers phone* Robert Sugden! This is Robert Sugden and let me just tell you how fucking happy I am that you called me right- Vic! What?! Yeah. *Hangs up* *Overjoyed at the prospect of leaving the room Face* REBECCA IS HAVING THE BABY! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D BE SO DAMN EXCITED TO HEAR THAT! No really, I thought it would be my worst nightmare, but it turns out, it’s this!! LET’S GO! *Big fake smile*

LAWRENCE: What? NOW!? But...but...sexy times! Oh well, guess we have to go. *Runs off excited*

ROBERT: *Giant Sigh of Relief* *I’d like to thank the Plot and my unborn child for that magical save Face* *Oh god now I have to go watch Rebecca give birth Face*

Chapter Text

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Robert and Gerry]

CAPTAIN GERRY: Hey Aaron. I only exist today to help push you and Robert together so the fans can feel something again. So...go on, he looks miserable and lonely at the bar and like he could use a friend. Since he doesn't actually have friends, that means you.

AARON: Right, thanks Gerry. I see why I put up with you now. I'll see you back at the yard.

AARON: Hey Robert. Gerry sent me over here but I would have come anyway because I've been sat over there staring at you for hours and you're sad and that makes me sad and I literally can't stay away. So...how's it going?

ROBERT: Terrible actually. This Plot still sucks and it's been going on literally forever.

AARON: Tell me about it.

ROBERT: How long have you got?

AARON: For you? All the time in the world. I'm sure the Plot won't let Gerry break anything at the yard while I'm helping you.

ROBERT: Well, everything's falling apart and thank god because I don't know how much more of this I can take. And apparently I'm still not even at rock bottom so...watch this space. But I've lost access to my son, my boy, Seb again even though I never got access again to begin with but whatever. Anyway, the Plot has decided that now the Whites are allowed to have at least the bare minimum of intelligence so Bex went and told Chrissie and Lawrence about my whole Scheming Plot and now they've barred me from the house again even though I was a good person like you said and told the truth and admitted it to them. Doesn't matter. Now I can't see my son, my boy, Seb anymore, which of course is devastating since he's everything I have now. You were my previous everything but since you don't want me anymore the Plot has given me a lesser replacement.

AARON: So what? You're just giving up?

ROBERT: On trying to get my son, my boy, Seb back? No. On trying to be a good person, probably. Tried for two weeks and got zero results so. Not worth it. In fact, I've got Larry to talk to Chrissie and Bex for me. I let him touch my face for a bit and then he just said he would do whatever he could.

DICTIONAARON: Robert, let me explain to you the definition of ‘insanity’. First of all, there's a picture of you next to the word in the dictionary and that clearly should have been a warning sign for me but I am also insane in my love for you so oh well. But anyway, the definition is ‘trying to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results’. Sound familiar?

ROBERT: I don't follow.

AARON: You have to stop playing games Robert. You have to stop lying. That's what this Plot is all about.

ROBERT: Right, thank you for this advice. I shall go and immediately apply it to my current situation. Let's see how this goes.

[The Mill with Aaron, Gerry and Robert]

AARON: *Still sitting in the chairs Robert bought him that kicked off the break up* *Sees Gerry coming in* *Doesn’t react*

AARON: *Sees bruised and bloodied Robert being carried in* *Fastest Man Alive Mode Activate* *Completes the #SprintOfLove in .5 seconds* Robert?!

ROBERT: *It didn't go well Face*

AARON: *Helps carry his husband to the sofa* Gerry, who did this to him? I mean I should probably know but he's got a lot of enemies…

GERRY: No clue, the Plot just put me in the right place and the right time so that I could bring him here for some hurt/comfort fan fic like scenarios for the fans.

AARON: I'm sure they appreciate it. Robert?! Who did this to you?! *cradles Robert gently and strokes his back* *camera pans away* Hey! Wait a minute. The fans have suffered for so long! Surely they deserve to see this?!?

PLOT: Sorry but Bob has to sing now. Don't worry though, the fans have already been spoiled against their will and they know there's some gratuitous shirtlessness coming up tomorrow. They'll be fine.

Chapter Text

13 December 2017

[Outside Wishing Well with Aaron, Dr Rebound, Zak, Lisa and Belle]

ZAK: *Cough cough* Am I only getting this cough so that Aaron can bring his new boyfriend around so that he can look like a better option than Robert? I don’t know if I like being used like this. *Cough Cough* This plot is hazardous to my health.

AARON: Hey look I’m a Dingle and I can actually interact with you lot now that it’s relevant to my own Plot!

BELLE: Ooh I wondered if we’d get a chance to meet the rebound before he was gone!

AARON: Yeah, right. Uh…Dr Rebound this is my crazy family. Family, this is my rebound guy.

DR REBOUND: *Not Allowed To Talk Face* - for the fans

AARON: Yeah so his only character trait besides being objectively nicer than Robert is that he’s a doctor so he’s here to do doctor things.

ZAK: I really don’t need to be a part of your Plot. What if my Plot comes back and needs me?

LISA: Just get inside Zak! We’re the E Plot in this episode so we need to get this over with and spare the fans too long having to stare at Dr Rebound.

AARON: Oh yeah and if your Plot comes back we’ll be ready cause well I can fight and well the Plot would like to give me another reason to remind everyone that Dr Rebound is in fact a doctor even though that’s the only reason why we’re here so…stethoscope.

DR REBOUND: *Still Not Allowed To Talk Face* - for the fans

[Inside Wishing Well with Aaron, Dr Rebound, Zak, Lisa and Belle]

DR REBOUND: I’m doing doctor things! And I have lines! Hooray!

(FANDOM: Oh god Zak is in an undershirt beside him)

ZAK: *Cough Cough* *Suffering for this Plot Face*

AARON: *Also Suffering For This Plot Face* #IMissRobert #AreWeBackTogetherYet

LISA: I’m going to call you doctor because that’s the only thing I know about you.

DR REBOUND: *Annoyingly holds his stethoscope the same way he holds his coat* I’m a doctor and I can spout off some minimal medical jargon lines! I’m so awesome!

ZAK: Great is this over? I’m probably going to be fine. Belle! Go check on our Plot!

BELLE: On it.

DR REBOUND: I’m a doctor but I’m not a doctor enough that I can prescribe you the antibiotics for your chest infection. You’d have to get the doctor people actually like to come and do that for you.

ZAK: I’ll be fine in a couple of days! This Plot purpose shall pass!

LISA: But what if this actually is part of our Plot! I just decided that I could be with you again sort of so I can’t lose you along with Alfie! #RIPAlfie

DR REBOUND: Blah Blah Blah Medical Jargon I’m a doctor and I’m going to stand near Aaron now because we’re supposedly together even though we have no chemistry…I missed that course in school.

AARON: Don’t worry Zak, we’ll find another way to deal with your Plot. Cheers for helping move mine along. The sooner they all like Dr Rebound, the sooner I can dump him and work on getting back with Robert. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

Chapter Text

22 December 2017

[The Mill]

AARON: Adam Adam Adam Adam. Alex who? Adam Adam Adam.

[The Cafe]

AARON: Adam Adam Adam.

ALEX: Hi, I exist. And I’m perfect.

AARON: *Almost managed to forget Face* Oh right. Damn. Adam Adam Adam Adam.

[The Woolpack]

ROBERT: Aaron Aaron Aaron. I got this amazing hoodie that’s even better than the jumpers paddy got us last year…

DOUG: *Tries to interrupt*

ROBERT: Never interrupt me when I’m talking about Aaron. Aaron Aaron Aaron.

PLOT: I interrupt this regularly scheduled Aaron love fest to remind the audience that the Whites do in fact still exist even though I’ve spared you the pain of witnessing said existence for three glorious weeks. Oh and the baby and that plot device it was born to still exist as well. I apologize for the inconvenience.

ROBERT: Aaron Aaron Aaron.

DIANE: I’m afraid to leave him on his own because when he’s like this, he drinks and when he drinks, bad things happen.

DOUG: Don’t worry, I’ll make sure he doesn’t drink.

*Some time later*

AARON: *Enters with his Plot Device* Adam Adam Adam. Oh Robert’s here. Robert Robert Robert.

ROBERT: Aaron Aaron Aaron.

*Some time later*

ROBERT AND DOUG: *Singing a drunken Christmas duet*

ROBERT: *Drunken heartbroken singing*

GERRY: *This is my moment Face* *Drunken singing back to Robert*

ROBERT: *Gerry you’re alright Face* Also…Aaron

AARON: *Robert related smile*

ROBERT AND DOUG: *Singing a drunken Christmas duet*

ALEX: Hi. I still exist.

ROBERT: *Death stare* Yeah, well no one wants you here! Aaron Aaron Aaron!

AARON: Oh no. Also…Robert Robert Robert.

OTHER PEOPLE: *Try to interrupt*

ROBERT: No! Aaron!

PLOT: Again, I interrupt this regularly scheduled Aaron love fest to remind the audience that the baby does in fact still exist in this plot and is still a problem. I apologize for the inconvenience. Carry on.

*soft voices* - for the fans

ROBERT: Remember last Christmas when the Plot hadn’t destroyed us yet?

AARON: *Robert related smile* Fondly.

ROBERT: Aaron why can’t we just be together? We’re meant to be. We should give this Christmas present to ourselves and the fans!

AARON: The Plot assures me that it will happen soon. *Heartbroken Eyes*

ROBERT: *Heartbroken Eyes*

OTHER PEOPLE: *try to interrupt*

ROBERT: *Googles…how to say Merry Christmas and make it sound like a curse or a threat* Merry Christmas to the lot of you! Aaron Aaron Aaron. *Heartbroken Eyes*

AARON: *Heartbroken Eyes*

[The Mill]

AARON: *puts on the perfect Christmas present* *Stares at tag* *Robert related smile* Robert Robert Robert Robert…etc.

[Random Country Road]

ROBERT: *Drunken Heartbroken Singing* Robert had a little lamb and everyone else SUCKS! Also…I still love Aaron.

PLOT: Robert, meet car. Car, meet Robert! Merry Christmas everyone!

Chapter Text

[The Mill with Aaron and Robert]

AARON: *Opens door* *Surprised but not surprised Face* Robert! What are you doing here?

ROBERT: *Heart Eyes* *Best friend appropriate heart eyes* Hey best friend! I brought you this…uhhh…pen that you left in the portacabin *Pulls out pen* I thought it might be integral to your New Year’s Eve plans. Speaking of New Year’s Eve plans…Have you got any?

AARON: Nope, because New Year’s Eve is on a weekend and weekends don’t exist here.

ROBERT: Right. Great. So…is your plot device around?

AARON: Nope…he’s off doctoring cause he’s a doctor.

ROBERT: So there’s nothing stopping us from…

AARON: You want a beer?

ROBERT: Definitely.

AARON: *Hands Robert a beer* Oh and don’t worry about Liv either. She’s off with Gerry probably getting into trouble. I keep hearing the Plot has something big in store for her next year. I’m a little concerned.

ROBERT: Well, it’s nice of the Plot to give us this day off though.

AARON: Yes it is. *Clinks his bottle with Robert’s* Well, here’s to putting past Plot behind us and to hopefully getting a better one next year!

ROBERT: Cheers to that! I have heard some promising things on that front from my sources.

AARON: That’s good to hear. *Unavoidable Heart Eyes* Happy New Year Robert.

ROBERT: *Unavoidable Heart Eyes* Happy New Year Aaron.

Chapter Text

Plotdale: The Hotten Police Edition

[Hotten Police Station with DS Benton, PC Swirling, Random Female Cop]

DS BENTON: What’s on the schedule today?

PC SWIRLING: Well, your confessed murderer absconded yesterday so we’ve got to go back to Emmerdale village to talk to those idiots again.

RANDOM FEMALE COP: I’m sure that will go well. I know we’ll have to check the usual places but where do you think he’s gone?

PC SWIRLING: Probably France…they all go to France but France isn’t in our Plot’s jurisdiction so through the motions we go. #OverIt

[Butler’s Farm with PC Swirling, Random Female Cop, Moira, Faith, and Victoria]

PC SWIRLING: Hi. I’m sure it’s no surprise considering that your son did a runner yesterday that we’re here to search the premises even though I’m sure we won’t find anything. Now, you had nothing to do with this right?

MOIRA: Oh, absolutely not. And the fact that my ex husband is Cain Dingle is also completely irrelevant.

FAITH: Oh, that reminds me…I should go. Please forget I’m Cain’s mother.

VICTORIA: I also know absolutely nothing even though I was totally there at the end.

PC SWIRLING: As I expected.

MOIRA: Oh by the way, have you seen DS Benton? I still need to confess to murder even though I know the Plot won’t let me.

[The Woolpack Back Room with DS Benton, Random Female Cop, Cain, Faith, Chas and Aaron]

DS BENTON: So…I know you’re involved but please…give me your alibis so the Plot can rule you out of my brain.

AARON: Alibi…hmm…yeah I don’t have one of tho- Oh wait, I’ve just conveniently remembered that I called my ex husband yesterday to yell at him about business stuff. Do it all the time. *Shrug* #ILoveRobertSugden #CriminallyInLove

CAIN: I was home alone…watching a film…

RANDOM FEMALE COP: Oooh which film?

CAIN: #IHateRobertSugden I don’t wanna

DS BENTON: You know that’s not how this works.

CAIN: Fine…*Hands phone over*

RANDOM FEMALE COP: Hahaha. Amazing.

DS BENTON: I guess this is embarrassing enough that you wouldn’t admit it unless you absolutely had to. The Plot has successfully ruled you out as a suspect. Congrats.

AARON: *Fighting Smirk Face* *Fails* *Smirks* #ILoveRobertSugden

[Keepers Cottage with DS Benton, Random Female Cop, Robert and Victoria]

DS BENTON: You’re Adam’s wife Victoria, but I don’t care about you. Instead, I want to talk to Aaron Dingle’s ex husband who’s still wearing his ring…

ROBERT: Emphasis on the ex! *Gets out prewritten script* Right so…let me just tell you about this alibi. My ex husband who I am totally not in love with anymore, we’re just best friends, wait, actually for these purposes I can’t stand him and I can’t believe he’s dragging me into this after he shattered my heart into a million pieces. Do you want to hear about my heartbreak? Because I could go on for hours…

DS BENTON: Ugh…I’ve heard about you, you know. Your performance to get out of the Katie Sugden murder charges is legendary. But, actually, stick to the point. I don’t have all day. When I leave here, I actually get to have a Plot free life because I’m certainly not doing actual police work. The voicemail?

ROBERT: Right, right. The voicemail. Well, he left me this voicemail complaining, as usual, because he’s always grumpy and I mean I love that…or I used to but anyway…I don’t even know if I have it saved still because why would I save that…it’s not like I sit up at night when I can’t sleep and replay his messages over and over again and pine my little broken heart away…

DS BENTON: Oh my god, seriously?! Just give me your phone!

ROBERT: Fine, oh look, here it is. *Plays Voicemail* *Sassy Aaron is not Robert’s Flaming PA*

DS BENTON: Well I guess he sounds suitably grumpy as you say. That rules you out of the Plot. Thanks for your time.

ROBERT: Hey, you can’t arrest my totally ex husband for being a miserable git can you? And maybe make him take me back while you’re at it? #AreWeBackTogetherYet #CriminallyInLove #GiveMeMyOscar

RANDOM FEMALE COP: No, that’s not a crime…but hey, if he does take you back, maybe I’ll get to be the one to crash your next wedding. I’m rooting for you! #AreTheBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: Rob, you won’t have an exit story where you go on the run will you? I’m really tired of losing people that way and I can’t even use them to go visit during my off screen time. It’s very unfair.

ROBERT: Don’t worry Vic, I’m not going anywhere for a while - for the fans

[Butler’s Farm with DS Benton, Random Female Cop, Moira and Cain]

DS BENTON: Right…so you made me come all the way up here and now you have nothing to tell me? Seriously? I could have gone home by now!

MOIRA: I’m sorry…the Plot via Cain still won’t let me confess to murder.

CAIN: Want to hear more about Hot Chicks on Mars?

DS BENTON: Uhh…no thanks. Bye for now. I’m sure I’ll get dragged back to this godforsaken village again soon enough. #OverIt

Chapter Text

11 January 2018

[Home Farm with Lawrence, Chrissie, Rebecca, Lachlan and Sebasttiennneeen]

LAWRENCE: Dog is safe away from us! - for the fans

CHRISSIE AND REBECCA: *People who aren’t us will be so happy Face*

*Whites banter about Sebastttttiieennnnnee* #WorstNameEver

CHRISSIE: I can’t believe the Plot is finally setting us free! It doesn’t feel real.

LACHLAN: *Appears* *Miserable about the Plot Face*

LAWRENCE: You could try looking a little more excited about the Plot letting us go, Lucky. I’ve been waiting for this for MONTHS!!! Afterall, I checked out back in August. #BitterAndSalty

CHRISSIE: Yeah, come on Lucky. Australia is lovely and Plot free this time of year. What could go wrong?

LACHLAN: But...I just don’t understand why Belle would break up with me. It’s not like I stalked her when I first arrived and took creepy pictures of her and then sexually assaulted someone and got away with it and then faked suicidal thoughts and then kind of stalked her again when she was dating that doctor #NotAllDoctorsAreNice and then shot granddad and helped you frame an innocent man and then went to prison for it anyway and then there was that time I kidnapped your uncle and tortured him and then I faked my own suicide while I hid in the attic spying on everyone….I mean, I’ve never done anything wrong in my whole life!!! #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise

CHRISSIE: You’re so right, nothing is ever your fault, Lucky. And nothing about that attitude is going to come back and haunt me later at all. Also, let me get in one last dig about the Dingles.

LAWRENCE: *Casually Sexist*

REBECCA: *Looks vaguely amused but offended*

CHRISSIE: Go pack! The clock is ticking on our lives!

*The Whites attempt to have cute banter* #TooLittleTooLate #BetrayedByThePlot

LACHLAN: *Murder Eyes*

[Keepers Cottage with Robert and Victoria]

VICTORIA: Robert? Are you sure this insane plan is the right thing to do?

ROBERT: Obviously. We clearly have no other options.

VICTORIA: But like, surely there’s something else we could do that makes more sense?!

ROBERT: I’m waiting….?

VICTORIA: Look! I’m sure there is, okay, but the Plot won’t let me think of any right now.

ROBERT: Great, the crazy plan it is! I mean, I tried to go down the legal route before I did something stupid but the Plot left me no choice!

VICTORIA: But like...will this help you legally?

ROBERT: Does the Plot care about legality? Rebecca just wants to hurt me okay! #YourVictimComplexIsShowing #TheWhitesHaveRubbedOffOnYou

[Home Farm with Lawrence, Chrissie and Rebecca]

CHRISSIE: I’d like to say we had plenty of good times but...we pretty much just messed everything up because the Plot hates us. I mean...we let Lachlan get away with sexually assaulting someone for way too long, I might have gotten my first husband murdered, I set fire to Robert’s car and accidentally killed three people, I found out I wasn’t your biological kid and you fought being gay for so long you were literally shooting teddy bears in the yard, I found out you got my bio dad killed, I tried to date my uncle, we let Rebecca into the house, we all disowned each other five hundred times, we believed Robert Sugden too many times for our own good and WE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW WE HAD AN ATTIC!

LAWRENCE: Ah...good times. At least we’re united now! No time left to disown each other before we go!

CHRISSIE: I’m sure everyone will miss us so much. They’ll probably throw a fireworks display in our honor and totally not for ironic reasons. #StopLyingYouLiar Oh and I lied, now I’ll get my last dig in about the Dingles. Cause I’m far superior than them, especially Charity.

LAWRENCE: I’m sorry for all of the horrible things I’ve done and all the gullibility and all the lying.

CHRISSIE: Oh don’t worry Dad, you’re not alone in all of that. I’m also sometimes terrible. But let’s not actually talk about that because why would we admit to our own mistakes properly! Now….let’s go get Lucky and go. LUCKY!!!

REBECCA: Hi, I’ve arrived to deliver the Plot relevant line because I don’t matter! Lachlan is not here. #JobDone

[The Village with Robert, Aaron, Gerry, Tip, Ross, Moses and Victoria]

*Aaron runs with a dog* - for the fans #GetAaronAPuppy

GERRY: *Leaves a message for Lachlan to further the Plot*

AARON: Hey best friend! You look like you’re running away. That’s never a good sign.

GERRY: *interrupts*

AARON: Go away Gerry! I’m trying to have a chat with my idiot husband..I mean best friend.

*Gerry runs ahead*

AARON: So...what are you doing exactly?

ROBERT: *Is Shifty*

ROSS: *Appears with Moses looking like a good dad* #LetTheTheoryLive *References Adam Plot*

ROBERT: Hey best friend Aaron, I know you want to hit him but you learned that violence wasn’t the answer back in your Boxing Filler Plot. This is so 2017 Aaron. That said, he absolutely deserves a punch but just...the Plot doesn’t have time for that right now. You need to not be in prison so we can have that reunion soon.

AARON: Cheers, best friend. Thanks for looking out for me. Back to you though, you look like you’re about to do something stupid but you wouldn’t tell me if you were, would you?

ROBERT: You know me so well. This is why you’re my BFF.

AARON: Please don’t do anything stupid Robert. #ImNotReadyToLoseYou

GERRY: Come on Aaron! It’s time for the Plot to move on without us!

*Aaron and Gerry run away from the Plot*

VICTORIA: Robert! It’s time to do something stupid!

[Wishing Well with Lachlan and Belle]

LACHLAN: Belle, I really don’t understand why you broke up with me so the Plot sent me here to get vital information that will impact the rest of the Plot.

BELLE: Well...I’m going to try really hard not to tell you for a while…

*Tick tock tick tock*

LACHLAN: *Makes lots of super insensitive comments about Belle’s metal health issues*

*Tick tock tick tock*

BELLE: Okay fine, you’re mum told me about your attic lair and I think you need help. So I think that you should go and do what the Plot wants you to do.

LACHLAN: *Sad Murder Eyes*

[Outside Home Farm with Robert, Victoria, Lawrence, Chrissie, Rebecca, Lachlan, Sebastttiiennnee and Sebasstttiiienenne’s inadequate double]

ROBERT: *Super Spy Mode Activate* Look at Rebecca trying to ruin my life. #YourVictimComplexIsShowing

VICTORIA: Let it go, Rob.

ROBERT: Uh...this is the basis for this entire Plot, how can I let it go?

VICTORIA: Because when you’re wound up, you make mistakes and when you make mistakes, people die!

ROBERT: Oh I’m willfully ignoring all of the signs in this Plot. I’m not going to make ANY MISTAKES! No #UnintendedConsequences for this full proof plan!

LAWRENCE: Can we just have one last look that we didn’t miss any opportunities in the Plot? #SoManyMissedOpportunities #PlotVicitms

CHRISSIE: *On the Phone* Come on Lucky, we really need you for this Plot! Just one more time.

REBECCA: *Exists to put Sebasstteeieennne in the car*

*The Whites head back into Home Farm*

VICTORIA: Chrissie! I still have a catering business! I know, right! But anyway, it’s super relevant right now so will you talk to me about it?

CHRISSIE: Uhh...this seems suspicious but okay.

ROBERT: *Super Secret Spy Mode Run* *Opens car door*

SEBASTINENNEEEENNE: *Cries while wearing adorable teddy bear onesie*

ROBERT: *Dad Mode Activate* Today you’re my mate! You know who else is my mate, Aaron. You’re the only two people in the world I care about.

*Camera shifts*

ROBERT: *Picks up Sebasttienneeeenen’s double* It’s okay, I’ve got ya.

SEBASTTTTIIENNE’S DOUBLE: *Does an inadequate impression of a baby*

ROBERT: *Runs* #NoActualBabiesWereEndangeredDuringThisSegment

REBECCA: *Exists for the specific Plot purpose of seeing Robert running*

ROBERT: *Damn this driveway is longer than I remembered Face*

REBECCA: ROOOOBBBBBERRRRRTTTTTTTT!!!!!!! #DupedAgain #PlotVictim #UgliestCoatVestThingEver

LAWRENCE: Oh no! What the Plot has happened now?!

REBECCA: *Bad Acting Alert* Robert, Robert, Robert, he’s taken Seb. The Plot wants us to go now!

CHRISSIE: I’ll drive! A decision that will absolutely not come back to haunt me. #PlotVictim

LACHLAN: Oh I think it will. #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise

[High Speed Chase on a Country Road with Robert, Sebassttteeeiieene, Chrissie, Lachlan, Lawrence and Rebecca]

ROBERT: Hey son, Daddy’s an idiot and sometimes he does really stupid things because he’s not with his husband and the Plot tells him to. But I love you. *Turns Right*

BACKSEAT DRIVERS: *Bad Acting Alert*

CHRISSIE: Lachlan are you okay? You look scarily calm.

LACHLAN: I’m finally channeling my inner psycho. I’ll be okay soon enough.

CHRISSIE: Which way should I go?

REBECCA: Left, definitely left. I know Robert soooo well!

CHRISSIE: *Turns Right*

REBECCA: Why’d you do that?! Don’t you trust my judgement when it comes to Robert?

CHRISSIE: Uh, no. And the Plot has decided to acknowledge that Robert and I had a connection once until you showed up on screen. But it’s my day, so shut up and let me get on with it.

ROBERT: *Tense and Panicked Face*

SEBASSTTITTIEENENE: *Chillin* #MightTakeANap

CHRISSIE: *Sees Robert Ahead* #Vindicated

*White Sisters Argue For The Last Time* #AboutTime

LAWRENCE: How did Robert possibly know about our Super Top Secret Plot?!?! We were soooo careful!

REBECCA: It was you Lachlan, wasn’t it? Not all of us who had multiple conversations about it in full view of the public. I just assumed they didn’t care enough about us to notice us anymore. *Bad Acting Alert* Faster Chrissie!

CHRISSIE: Lachlan, I’m still concerned about how you’re acting. Did you see Belle?

LACHLAN: *Holds Plot Phone* *Means to ignore Gerry’s call*

CHRISSIE: *Gets sudden Plot urge to stroke Lachlan’s fingers*

LACHLAN: *Accidentally does the future Plot a favor and calls Gerry*

[The Mill with Aaron and Gerry]

GERRY: *Ignores the Plot calling* You go Gerry, baby!

AARON: Did you just call yourself baby? I really don’t know why I let you live here.

GERRY: *Crashes Car* #Foreshadowing

PSYCHIC AARON: Crash and burn baby! #FORESHADOWING

[High Speed Chase on a Country Road with Robert, Sebassttteeeiieene, Chrissie, Lachlan, Lawrence and Rebecca]

LACHLAN: I know all about the Plot mum.

CHRISSIE: Wait, what? That’s not supposed to happen. But, look, it’s for your own good. Everything I’ve ever done for you has been for your own good. That’s why you turned out like this.

REBECCA: *Bad Acting Alert* But what about my Plot!!!

CHRISSIE: I love you more than anything in the world Lucky. And that level of love and letting you get away with everything has absolutely not been detrimental to your character.

LACHLAN: You know what we need right now? Some creepy poetry. #LachlansPoetryJam

LAWRENCE: *Bad Acting Alert* Uhh sorry, can we focus on the Plot at hand, please!

LACHLAN: *Recites Creepy Poem* #LachlansPoetryJam

REBECCA: *Bad Acting Alert* But, this is still about MY PLOT! *Cries Inadequately*

CHRISSIE: I was a great mother, Lachlan. Everything I did was your for your own good. But I’m touched you remember my creepy poetry. #MotherOfTheYear

LACHLAN: *Recites More Creepy Poetry*

LAWRENCE: Can this poetry reading wait until we’re in Australia?

LACHLAN: *Psycho Voice* We’re not going to Australia. Don’t you get it, you’re all the monsters. And I have to make all the monsters disappear. *Screams* *Grabs the wheel*

LAWRENCE: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! #Iconic

*Screaming*

*Lorry Driver hits the Whites* #TrueHero

ROBERT: *Slams on brakes* *Shocked Face* *I made a mistake Face* #UnintendedConsequences #IShouldHaveSeenThisComing

[Crash Site with Robert, Lachlan, Dying Chrissie, Unconscious Rebecca, Dead Lawrence and Sebastteieenneee]

*Disclaimer: No Lorry Drivers were harmed in the making of this stunt* - for the fans

ROBERT: *Still Shocked Face*

SEBASTTTTIEENNNE: *Cries* *Still Exists*

ROBERT: *Human Mode Activate* - for the fans - *Calls Ambulance* #CharacterGrowth

DEAD LAWRENCE: *Is dead* #Payback

ROBERT: *Panicked Face* It’s a really bad accident that I am in no way responsible for. #UnintendedConsequences

ROBERT: *Human Mode On Overdrive* *Runs to Rebecca first because she’s the mother of the baby chilling in his backseat*

LACHLAN: *I think I just killed my mum Face*

*Robert and Lachlan have a weird hug moment as Robert pulls him from the car*

LACHLAN: Where’s Granddad?

DEAD LAWRENCE: *Still dead*

ROBERT: I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.

LACHLAN: *It’s really not, I was going to do it anyway Face* Standing over his dead body is different to how I thought it would be. I’ve only been imagining it for years. #LetSerialKillerLachlanRise #TheresStillTime

ROBERT: What happened?

LACHLAN: The Plot will never let me admit that.

DYING CHRISSIE: *Still alive*

ROBERT: *Soft Human Voice* It’s gonna be okay Chrissie, just try and hang on. Just think about yourself.

LACHLAN: The ambulance is coming soon.

CHRISSIE: Are you sure you’re not just going to kill me?

LACHLAN: *The Plot’s not sure yet Face*

[The Woolpack with Victoria, Diane, Gerry and Belle]

VICTORIA: I can’t believe Robert hasn’t called me back after kidnapping his son! How rude!

*Belle and Gerry show up*

VICTORIA: Hey Belle, you haven’t seen Lachlan have you? He’s part of the White’s Plot and I need an update.

BELLE: No, I’m trying my hardest to get out of that Plot.

DIANE: Doesn’t Rob have his mediation today?

VICTORIA: Oh he’s way past the mediation stage? See, he kidnapped Seb...now I know what you’re thinking Diane, but it’s only so Rebecca couldn’t also kidnap him and take him off to Australia.

DIANE: I’m sorry, what is this Plot you’re dragging me into?

VICTORIA: I promise it’s not as stupid as it sounds!

DIANE: *This is going to go SOOO wrong Face*

[Crash Site with Robert, Lachlan, Dying Chrissie, Unconscious Rebecca, Dead Lawrence and Sebastteieenneee]

LACHLAN: *Casually Victim Blames*

ROBERT: *Has a sweet Chrobert moment to remind the audience that they were once a thing and the Plot hasn’t completely forgotten that* *Strokes Chrissie’s Cheek* You just have to hang on a little longer, okay? *Pained Face*

DYING CHRISSIE: *Still dying*

ROBERT: *Has crowbar* I have to get Rebecca out because she’s the mother of my child. That’s the only reason I care at all.

UNCONSCIOUS REBECCA: *Bleeds*

ROBERT: Oh god #UnintendedConsequences

DYING CHRISSIE: *Still Dying*

*Dying Chrissie and Lachlan have some touching mother/son time where she once again insists that she was a great mother and Lachlan tells her that her dad is dead*

LACHLAN: *Feels guilty*

DYING CHRISSIE: *Dies* #RIPChrissie

LACHLAN: I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY! #ThePlotMadeMeDoIt

ROBERT: *Witnesses the meltdown* *Cogs Turning*

[The Woolpack with Victoria, Diane, Belle and Gerry]

VICTORIA: So...Robert possibly caused an accident because the Whites were trying to get Seb back.

BELLE: Oh no, suddenly I want to be in this Plot again. I was almost free.

GERRY: I like to be involved in everything. I’m coming too.

DIANE: *I expected this Face*

[Hotten General with Robert, Sebasttttieeene, Unconscious Rebecca, Victoria, Diane, Belle, Gerry, Lachlan and Alex]

ROBERT: Oh no it’s the audition scene!

UNCONSCIOUS REBECCA: *Still unconscious*

VICTORIA: Oh good the BABY is safe! - wow it’s been a while -

BELLE: What about my part of the Plot? Where’s Lachlan?

ROBERT: No clue. He came in the other ambulance. I was too focused on Seb’s mum, Unconscious Rebecca. She looked really awful.

DIANE: And Chrissie and Lawrence?

ROBERT: Dead. #UnintendedConsequences *Cries*

*Cut to Lachlan’s miraculous private room*

THE ONLY DOCTOR IN THE DALES: Hi, I’m Alex, the only doctor in the Dales. *Blah Blah Medical Jargon* Is there anyone you’d like us to call?

LACHLAN: Half my family is dead, you insensitive jerk.

BELLE: Oh Lachlan, I still care about our Plot together. Oh hi Alex,

THE ONLY DOCTOR IN THE DALES: Hi Belle. Remember that one time we met because your dad had a chest infection just so I could show off my perfect doctoring skills and impress Aaron’s family? Oh and that other time we met when I invited myself to yours for Christmas. Anyway, I’ve served my purpose in reminding the audience that I am in fact a doctor, so I’ll see myself out now.

BELLE: Oh Lachlan, it’s good that you’ve got Alex as your doctor cause he’s really nice. It’s literally his only characteristic besides being a doctor. #TowingThePartyLine

LACHLAN: Half my family are dead and all you can go on about is how nice Dr Alex is?!?

GERRY: *Makes an inappropriate comment*

BELLE: You don’t have to tell us about the Plot now…

LACHLAN: *Lies about the Plot* #EverythingIsMyMumsFault

*Back in the waiting room*

VICTORIA: Baby!

DIANE: It’s a blessing he’s still a baby and has no idea what the Plot even is.

ROBERT: Excuse me! I had a Plot like this when I was just a baby and let me tell you, it still affects you later on. People feel sorry for you and you only know half of who you are. #CharacterDevelopment #NeverForgetPatSugden

VICTORIA: This is not the time for old Plot revelations! Rebecca’s not dead yet! There’s no way she’s going to leave her son behind. Cause she’s Seb’s Mother and that’s it.

DIANE: Let’s hope you’re right, Love. #SpeakingForPartOfTheFandom

ANOTHER DOCTOR IN THE DALES: #SuckItAlex Unconscious Rebecca is still unconscious. She'll be in a coma until the Plot needs her again.

ROBERT: I can’t believe I actually was this stupid. Wait, scratch that, I should blame you for letting me be this stupid.

VICTORIA: Are you kidding me? I told you to think about it properly!

ROBERT: Well not loud enough. You’re not Aaron. You’re not proper impulse control for me. #IMissMyHusband And now look what’s happened! #UnintendedConsequences

DIANE: I’m sure he didn’t mean it. *Goes to find Robert*

ROBERT: *Human Robert Still Activated* Yeah I know, I was out of line. #Progress #CharacterGrowth

DIANE: It’s okay, Victoria hardly takes you seriously.

ROBERT: I just don’t understand how this Plot turned out like this. Chrissie just swerved into an oncoming truck. Unless… *Detective Mode Activate* Maybe Lachlan did it.

DIANE: That’s crazy!

ROBERT: And so is Lachlan. I think he did something. I think he might have caused the accident. #DetectiveRobertOnTheCase

Chapter Text

[The Woolpack with Robert and Aaron]

*Robert Enters*

AARON: Hey best friend I’ll ever have that never actually talks to me!

ROBERT: Hey…Aaron. *Conflicted Face* No..uh…Plot Device with you tonight? #Relieved

AARON: Nope! He’s mostly at the hospital 24/7 unless the Plot requires him to sit in my general vicinity while I look disinterested. He is a doctor you know.

ROBERT: I had heard that once or twice.

AARON: And you’re looking very Plot unencumbered tonight as well? No Plot babies to look after?

ROBERT: Diane is watching Squidge tonight.

AARON: Squidge?

ROBERT: Sounds better than Seb or Sebasttiennne.

AARON: It does. Nice of Diane to look after him.

ROBERT: Yeah. Have a Plot Baby and all of a sudden the stepmother cares about you and shares scenes with you again. Weird that.

AARON: Nice though.

ROBERT: Makes a change.

AARON: Want to have a Plot free drink with me? *Best Friend Appropriate Heart Eyes*

ROBERT: *Best Friend Appropriate Heart Eyes* Sure, why not. Where is everyone tonight anyway? The pub’s practically empty except for Vanessa at the bar looking really disappointed as she looks at your mum.

AARON: Didn’t you hear? The new owner of Home Farm is having a party tonight. All the Dingles are going. Too bad I’m not Dingle enough to get an invite. I love making weird faces when I’m forced to drink champagne. I think the fans enjoy it too.

ROBERT: They do. And you’re Dingle enough for me. But no, I hadn’t heard. I’ve been a bit out of the loop on other Plots lately. Too busy holding bedside vigils for coma patients waiting to see if they’ll blink or something so I can know how that part of the Plot is going to turn out. Speaking of that part of the Plot…you don’t actually hate Squidge anymore do you? People talk.

AARON: Don’t know, really. The Plot hasn’t told me my feelings yet. I’d like to think I wouldn’t though. And I’ve always believed you’d be a good dad.

ROBERT: Well I’m finally getting to try. Speaking of which, you missed some prime shirtless content the other day. Shame. *Not Best Friend Appropriate Heart Eyes*

AARON: That is a shame. *Not Best Friend Appropriate Heart Eyes*

ROBERT: So, who’s this new Home Farm owner?

AARON: *Conflicted Face*

ROBERT: I promise I’ll try and keep well out of his way and I won’t drug him or have a fake one night stand with him or try and destroy his business…just curious.

AARON: It’s Joe Tate. Yep. That one. And if the Plot ever lets us get back together, my family might be all for you trying to destroy him.

ROBERT: As long as we do it together. *Proper Heart Eyes*

AARON: Definitely. *Proper Heart Eyes* #AreWeBackTogethetYet

Chapter Text

[The Cafe with Aaron, Kyle, Robert and Sebasttttiiiieeennnne]

AARON: Here ya are, mate. Toast! The breakfast of champions! There, that’s breakfast sorted. I’m pretty good at this whole looking after a child thing…hmmm…

KYLE: *Bad Acting Alert* I have to go to the toilet.

AARON: Right…You can go by yourself right?

KYLE: *Nods*

AARON: Right, off you go then.

ROBERT: *Enters with Sebastttieienennee* Oh…hi best friend. *Best Friend Appropriate Heart Eyes*

AARON: I see the stepmother isn’t helping out with Squidge today.

ROBERT: No, I’ve got Squidge today but I dressed him in the teddy bear onesie again and this time I’m pretty sure he’s actually in there. Has the Plot told you how you feel about him yet?

AARON: No, but I think maybe I might possibly be getting there soon!?

ROBERT: Can’t wait. I’m getting tired of this awkward limbo period.

AARON: You and me both. I’d say hi to him you know but again, I really don’t know where I stand with the Plot. At least he’s warm though, I do care about him not getting hypothermia in the cold. So…good job on that front.

ROBERT: I see toast for two. Are you not on your own… *Conflicted Face*

AARON: Oh don’t worry Dr Alex is still doctoring. Nah, I’m here with Kyle on account of the fact that people actually remembered he existed but apparently wasn’t home last night when the house got demolished even though all of the people who look after him were out at that party. Anyway, neither of us are Dingle enough to warrant being at the Dingle family meeting or Zak’s party later so we’re here chilling off screen.

ROBERT: So…where is he then?

AARON: Oh he’s in the bog. I’m hoping maybe he’ll be gone long enough that he gets recast before he comes back. *Fingers Crossed*

ROBERT: Speaking of recasts…this little one is going to have to be if he’s going to be sticking around. It’d be so great if we knew what was going on in our own lives.

AARON: Wouldn’t it just. But hey! You know what I did hear?

ROBERT: What? *Looks Eager*

AARON: We’re going to have Plot on Valentines Day and Maxine is writing it!

ROBERT: No way!!! Your sources are better than mine these days. I can’t wait! I hope it’s good. I got a bit screwed in her last episode that focused on us but I try not to think about that. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

AARON: *Not Best Friend Appropriate Heart Eyes* I’m trying to have faith. I think this really might be it. The big build up! #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ROBERT: *Not Best Friend Appropriate Heart Eyes* Oh thank god! *I Hate This Plot Face* #TheHellPlot #AreWeBackTogetherYet #JustLetUsBeHappyAndInLove #IMissMyRing

Chapter Text

12 February 2018

[The Portacabin with Aaron, Robert and Seb]

*Day*

AARON: *Enters Portacabin* Hey Best Friend, it’s been awhile. Kyle finally has his breakfast. Wow! I have so much ‘work’ to catch up on. Why is there all this baby junk all over my desk? I’ve only been off screen like...four weeks. It’s a good thing I never actually do any work. #PlotHiatus

ROBERT: SHHHHHHH!!!! #BabyOnBoard I just got him settled. The Plot keeps making him cry and I haven’t quite figured out the cause yet. I think it’s just to make me more stressed.

AARON: Well, I’ve got sheet metal being delivered because today work is somewhat Plot relevant, so I hope he can sleep through that. *Checks clipboard to see if there are any notes about how he’s supposed to be feeling about the baby this week* #ContentUnavailable *Guess I’m winging it Face*

SEB: *Cries for the sake of the Plot*

ROBERT: Oh no, thanks Plot! *Plot stress levels rising* *Phone Rings* Great! Now the Plot has hidden my phone!

SEB: *Cries more for the sake of the Plot*

ROBERT: *Picks Seb up* Hey Aaron, somewhere deep down I know that this whole baby Plot was a big part of the reason we’re not together anymore and like I know you’ve never once actually said you’re cool with him now, but like can you do me a solid and hold onto the kid so I can search for my phone. Your source said we were getting close to finally reuniting so I think it’s time to sort of kickstart this whole you plus baby thing so we can move on. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

AARON: What?! How did we even get here? #SearchingForFeelings

ROBERT: Please Aaron, that phone call could be my other Plot with Rebecca calling. Yep, she came out of her coma while you were off screen. #Disappointment

AARON: *Ugh Fine Face* *Takes Seb* *Why are you still so small Face?* #CastingConundrum (DANNY: I like babies)

ROBERT: *Frantic Searching* Why does the Plot insist on hiding my phone? Lost phones make me question single parenthood.

AARON: *Baby Whisperer Mode Activate* *Swivel Swivel* *Swivel Chairs Are Great Face* There you go, it’s stopped.

ROBERT: What? Phones? Huh? Why does the Plot want me so stressed?

AARON: No, the baby the Plot put in my arms, idiot. He stopped screeching.

ROBERT: *All of a sudden everything makes sense Face*

SEB: *Cuteness Alert* *Gurgle*

AARON: Yeah you are cute. Good thing too cause I think it’s helping sell this to some of the fans.

[The Portacabin with Aaron, Robert and Seb]

*Indeterminate amount of time later* *Night*

AARON: *Still holding the baby* #PlotEnforcedBonding So...what’s the plan?

ROBERT: There is no plan Aaron. My parenting skills amount to me standing still in a room while he sleeps because I’m too afraid to move and wake him up. #Dedication #FatherOfTheYear

AARON: Uhh yeah, that’s not going to work for me.

ROBERT: But you’re doing so great at it. I think you should consider a career change, especially since we all know you barely work here most of the time.

*Banter* - for the fans

AARON: Here, time to take him back now. I still haven’t verbalized any actual feelings yet so I can’t hold onto him for too long. We need to ease everyone into this in this limited screen time we’re finally getting together. *Tries to make the hand off*

SEB: *Cries* - Nope, not happening - #SorryNotSorry

AARON: *Take Seb back*

SEB: *Stops Crying* #AsItShouldBe #ParentTrap

AARON: Oh come on! I see where the Plot is going with this.

ROBERT: Yeah, he picks up on all the stress with me. He won’t settle.

AARON: Or maybe he senses evil. Might just be proper bright! #Banter

ROBERT: Who knew raising a kid on your own would be this hard. #PlotSetUp

AARON: You’re not on your own though are ya?

*Awkward Pause* - for the fans -

ROBERT: *Did he just say that Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

AARON: *Did I just say that Face* #MustResist I mean...uh...you have Diane and Victoria except when the Plot is pushing us back together. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ROBERT: #SoClose Well, we’ve had two conversations now where you’ve told me to step up to the plate and I listen to you and only you so I’m trying. He’s my son.

AARON: *Content Smile* - for the fans - Right right, your son, sorry, almost forgot my cue. Here, have him back then. However, his cuteness is winning me over.

ROBERT: Well, I’ve let everyone else down in my life - yes I mean you - but it won’t happen with him.

AARON: *Not really listening Face* *Hi tiny cute child Face* (DANNY: I like babies)

Chapter Text

13 February 2018

[The Cafe with Robert, Aaron, Alex and Guest Starring The Pram as Seb]

AARON: Hey Best Friend! *Nods at The Pram* Still trying to get him to sleep? Bet it’s a lot easier when it’s just the empty pram.

ROBERT: No, The Pram still manages to cry for the Plot. Oh, also the Plot has conveniently given me a meeting that I need to go to and no one else can watch him. Also, you’re the Baby Whisperer, so...wanna help me out?

AARON: *Barely Concealed Heart Eyes* Yeah sure, somewhere in all my off screen time and hanging out with Kyle, I’ve decided I’m totally cool with Seb now. It’s a real weight off my shoulders, but hey we’re this close to reuniting and I just want to be happy. So yeah, drop him off with me.

ROBERT: I love you...I mean...you’re a life saver.

*Robert and The Pram Exit* *Alex Enters*

ALEX: I was hoping to find you Aaron! #SaveYourselfAlex

AARON: *Oh No It’s Him Again Face* #AlexAnti I thought you were working. You’re a doctor. That’s all you do right?

ALEX: No, doctoring is stressful so I took the day off! I thought you could enjoy it with me. #RunForTheHills

AARON: *How do I get out of this Face* #WhatWouldOldRobertDo Oh umm...I have a work thing so...maybe later?

ALEX: #BlissfullyPlotUnaware Sure thing #RunAlexRun

AARON: I’ll text ya *No I won’t Face*

[The Mill with Aaron, Robert, The Pram and Alex]

ROBERT: Thanks for looking after The Pram for me. It’s a shame they didn’t cast two babies so you could have had an actual scene with him today. I’m sure the fans would have appreciated that but then I guess they would have had to watch less of Bob being the worst Robert of the village. What a shame that would have been?

AARON: Yep, The Pram was a dream to look after. Get all your Plot work done?

ROBERT: Yep, couldn’t have done it without you. We make a great team, Best Friend!

AARON: No problem. The Pram has been fed and it’s gone back to sleep.

ROBERT: You certainly know how to handle The Pram as well as the real baby. I wonder if this means the Plot wants us to raise him together?

AARON: Now that I think he’s not so bad, who knows?! Maybe. #TheWaitingGame

ROBERT: How about I buy you a pint and we sit in the Woolpack with The Pram and pretend we’re already back together? I’ll buy The Pram a drink too.

AARON: *Confused Face*

ROBERT: I guess The Pram’s better be milk. #DadJoke

THE PRAM: *Makes Cute Noises* #ThePramIsAStar

AARON: I think The Pram might want a beer instead, but better not, it’s driving.

*Cute Smiles* - for the fans -

ALEX: Hey Aaron, the Plot left the door open...oh...I see how it is. I thought you were working? #RunForYourLife

AARON: *Sneaks another glance at Robert* #SorryNotSorry

ROBERT: We were just going to go on a date to the Woolpack...wait no...as mates...we’re just mates still. You can join us if you want. I just wanted to say thanks to Aaron for looking after The Pram for me.

ALEX: If that’s all that’s going on, why did you need to lie about it? #SeeTheSignsAlex

AARON: It’s not a big deal cause you really don’t matter. #SorryNotSorry Plus The Pram needed looking after.

ALEX: Why couldn’t you get your family to look after The Pram, Robert?

ROBERT: Uhhh cause Aaron’s the Baby Whisperer and the Plot made me do it.

ALEX: For some reason, I’m cool with you two still being friends but I think I’ve figured this Plot thing out and I think he’s using The Pram to worm his way back in Aaron.

ROBERT: Uhh...no...for once I haven’t actually done anything dodgy. Get your facts straight Doc. This is my time to rise! #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ALEX: No, you’re definitely up to something. Aaron, he’s the one who picked out your perfect birthday present! Ha! Got you now! #JustQuitWhileYoureBehind

AARON: *Doesn’t react*

ROBERT: Umm, no, I’m still in the right here. I was actually just trying to be genuinely nice there. Wow this is new.

ALEX: It was obviously just to prove that you know him better than me. #HeDoesKnowHimBetter

AARON: You’ve got this all wrong. None of this is new information to me…

ALEX: I think I should go… *Leaves* #RunAlexRun

AARON: *Rolls Eyes* *It’s almost over thank god Face*

ROBERT: Things will be alright...when you break up him and we get back together.

AARON: *Nods* #Countdown

Chapter Text

22 February 2018

[The Village with Robert, Bernice, Vanessa, Priya, Kerry and Charity]

*Written by Maxine Alderton* - for the fans

ROBERT: *Stares at phone* *Scours the internet for sources that will tell him when the Hell Plot will finally end*

VANESSA: SURPRISE!!! We’re part of your Plot today!!

KERRY: Isn’t that great!! We’re gonna come out with you so that it looks like you’ve actually got friends!!

ROBERT: *What has my life become Face*

BERNICE: I might have told a few people because the fans have really been wanting you to have friends and what’s better than a girl squad! We’ve got Priya, who’s miserable because she has no Plot, Vanessa who for some reason actually likes you-

KERRY: Yep and I just like inserting myself into other people’s Plots when there’s booze involved!!

*Taxi Arrives*

BERNICE: Vicky - yes that’s what only I call her - is going to meet us there because she has some last minute covert Plot operations she needs to take care of, but never you mind that-

ROBERT: Actually, I thought I might just stay in instead and wallow about Aaron and the Hell Plot some more… #AreWeBackTogetherYet

BERNICE: Nope, the Plot says it’s absolutely necessary for you to come out. Besides, you know who else is staying in, Aaron and Dr Hair - yep, can’t be bothered to learn his real name - and you can bet he’s not wallowing about your Plot anymore. #IncorrectAssumptions

ROBERT: *Please don’t mention the doctor in my presence Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

*Robert and the Girl Squad get into the taxi* - for the fans

CHARITY: Whoa Vanessa where do you think you’re going?! #NotJealous #Really #ISwear

VANESSA: Sorry, painting the town rainbow with Robert and the Girl Squad! The fans are very invested in this potential friendship. #Robness Besides, the Plot says you still don’t want this to be an actual relationship yet. That’s still true right?

CHARITY: *I don’t like this Plot Face* Uhh yeah, course. #Recalculating

*Robert and the Girl Squad head to the club*

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #WeLoveYouTracyEvenIfDavidSucks #TheEggIsPartiallyCracked #ChasIsOld #TheEggIsInTrouble #SozAboutYourFaceRoss

[The Gay Bar with Robert, Bernice, Vanessa, Priya and Kerry]

*Shots All Around!*

KERRY: I have never...hmmm...how can I made this robron related...had a quickie in my place of work! *drinks*

ROBERT: *drinks*

KERRY: In that scrappy cabin?!

ROBERT: I’m saying NOTHING *But thinking everything Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet #CallBackForTheFans #PortacabinSexConfirmed

PRIYA: Wait...which place of work?

KERRY: Both! Bonus! *drinks*

PRIYA: Food! Hygiene! Protocol!

KERRY: *Rakesh Mention*

(FANDOM: *Imagines Rakesh getting pushed out of the Mill window on a rolling chair* #GoodTimes)

BERNICE: So Robert, what do you make of the talent in here?

ROBERT: Umm...none of them are Aaron so...okay I suppose?! #AreWeBackTogetherYet

BERNICE: Well should we get sharking? I can be your wingwoman. #TheGaysFlockToMe

ROBERT: I think I can manage on my own...which means I won’t really look at all because...none of them are Aaron. #AreWeBackTogetherYet Anyway...I’ve never *Sad Aaron Face* had my heartbroken. *drinks*

GIRL SQUAD: *Groans* *Why did we bring him Faces* *drinks*

[The Woolpack Back Room with Aaron and Victoria]

AARON: Hey the Plot told me to come back here...what are you doing here?

VICTORIA: I’m a secret agent of the Plot sent to inform you that we’re taking Robert out to that new gay bar in Hotten because apparently the set of Bar West is no longer available for true parallel purposes. Have you been?

AARON: Of course. Robert hates gay bars though. He told me so himself on this very sofa right here. #IDontLikeWhereThisIsGoing

VICTORIA: Yeah, but see he’s bisexual so he also likes blokes quite a lot...sometimes. Anyway, he told me all about your Valentine’s Day Plot.

AARON: Right *Not thinking about the almost kiss or the sexy forearms or the phone call at all Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: How could you mess with his head like that? Do you know how hard it was for him to let you go? - wow it feels so nice to be a Plot Agent rather than a Plot Victim - #GlowUp

AARON: Uhh yeah of course I do. It took him over sixth months, getting hit by a car, a Christmas coma and a second break up! Believe me, I’m well aware of every miserable stage of the Hell Plot.

VICTORIA: But you just casually tried kissing him? #Confused

AARON: It wasn’t like that. *When will the Plot let me live Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: So what was it like then?

AARON: *Everything Face* I care about him. I didn’t mean to confuse things but the Plot just keeps getting in my damn way! #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: But it was definitely a mistake then?

AARON: *No! No it wasn’t Face* Yeah. #IHateThisPlot

VICTORIA: So...if he were to meet someone else tonight…#LeadingTheWitness #SecretPlotAgentSkills

AARON: *REJECT REJECT REJECT Face* *Is there Plot that can help me stop this Face* Umm...shouldn’t he be looking after his Plot Baby?

VICTORIA: OH MY GOD! WE FORGOT THE BABY!! #Sarcasm

(TINFOIL HAT FANDOM: No, but can we forget? #LetTheTheoryLive)

VICTORIA: Diane is minding the baby cupboard this evening...and apparently Rebecca too but we’re mostly forgetting her existence tonight because well...she’s barely a character anyway. Moving on...you still haven’t answered my question. *sprays Aaron with perfume* #Siblings

AARON: Ummm...of course I’m fine with it. *NOT FINE WITH IT Face*

VICTORIA: So why don’t you come with us? #LeadingTheWitness #SecretPlotAgentSkills

AARON: Uh no *Already planning his route to the club Face*

VICTORIA: Quiet night in with Alex?

AARON: How dare you even bring him up at a time like- I mean...no. He’s umm...having a drink with some mate I’ve never met because I don’t care about him enough to meet his friends. #IMissRobert #AreWeBackTogetherYet

VICTORIA: Well, taxi’s here. You know where will be if you change your mind. #PlotMissionComplete

AARON: *How fast can I get to the club Face* #OperationGetRobertBack

[The Gay Bar with Robert, Bernice, Vanessa, Priya, Kerry, and Mike]

KERRY: I need to set the stage for a later Plot point, so I’m off to talk to the DJ

PRIYA: *My Plotless Existence Is Sad Face*

*Robness are getting along great* - for the fans

BERNICE: Robert! Look, I’m doing all the work for you! This is Mike the Hiker...also apparently a Chef and he has a pug named Gary!

VANESSA: Does he speak? #GotYourBackRobert

BERNICE: Does he need to? With a face like this? #IgnoreTheUglyShirt

MIKE: *Irish Accent* Thanks Babe

ROBERT: *You’re not Aaron Face*

BERNICE: You’ve got a really lovely accent.

VANESSA: Careful, you’ll end up with a new husband! #Banter

BERNICE: #TheGaysFlockToMe

ROBERT: *You’re still not Aaron Face* Sorry, mate, I’ve gotta go talk to Priya who I’ve never spoken to in my life before tonight. #IMissAaron #AreWeBackTogetherYet

BERNICE: *Well that didn’t go as planned Face* #WingWomanPrivelegesRevoked

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #WhyIsLachlanAMicrobrewer #BeASerialKillerFFS #GreenEyedCharity #SquadGoals #AwkardMiserableRobertSelfie #WeLoveYouTracy #ThanksFrankForBeingBetterThanDavid #AllTheHugsForTracy

[The Gay Bar with Robert, Bernice, Vanessa, Priya, Kerry, Mike and Aaron]

VICTORIA: What have I missed?

KERRY: Literally nothing. The Plot doesn’t seem to really want to let things start yet for some reason. Also...the DJ doesn’t take requests which is important for later and Priya is no fun. Also...Robert is like a panda who can’t figure out how his bits work #A+Banter #QueenMaxine

VANESSA: Hey, remember when you were randomly in the start of my sexualty Plot a while back? Well, this is the payoff, because now I’m here to encourage you! #RobnessRising

ROBERT: Yeah, well none of these blokes are Aaron so...I’m not an expert at this.

VANESSA: Yeah but at least get his number. It’s integral to the Plot okay. Plus, he’s fit and he cooks!

ROBERT: I cook! I cooked for Aaron last week and I swear the Plot was almost going to give in and let us be together and then...it took it all back yesterday and now I’m too sad for flirting. But, since this is Maxine episode, I have to say the word ‘bisexual’ at least once or twice so, maybe Mike the Hiker is and you can have a shot with him. #BisexualQuota

VANESSA: No no, I’m only here because I’m trying to make Charity jealous. I mean...anyway, we’re here because of your rubbish love life, not mine, so go get his phone number! *Cute Knee Shake* - for the fans

*Robert goes to get Mike the Hiker’s phone number as Aaron comes in* #PlotGoals #ThePlotIsInOurFavor

ROBERT: Hey, I’ve been forced to come over here. Can we start again? #AwkwardFlirting

MIKE: Sure. I know I’m irrelevant, so...handshake?

*Awkward Handshake*

AARON: *Sees Husband...sorry Ex Husband awkwardly flirting* *Oh no I’m too late Face* #WhyPlotWhy?

[The Gay Bar with Robert, Bernice, Vanessa, Priya, Kerry, Mike, Aaron, Alex and the Nameless Friend]

AARON: *Casually stalking my ex husband in da club* *How do I fix this Face*

ALEX: Hiya! #FinalPlotstacle

AARON: *Oh fuck I forgot I still had a boyfriend Face* *Words? What are those Face*

ALEX: What are you doing here?

AARON: *Think of a lie, think of a lie Face* I was uhhh...looking for you! Thought I’d have a drink after all. Started without you while staring at-

ALEX: *My Boyfriend cares about me so much Face*

AARON: Hey Nameless Friend that looks suspiciously like me!

NAMELESS FRIEND: Hey! I’m here to make things more awkward.

ALEX: Is that Robert?

AARON: Robert? My ex husband that I’ve been staring at forever already? No, definitely not. Never seen that guy that maybe sort of looks like Robert in my life. #HeDothProtestTooMuch

ALEX: No, I definitely think it’s Robert. What is the Plot up to?

AARON: We can uhh...we can go somewhere else cause I definitely did not come here for him. #StopLyingYouLiar

ALEX: Whatever you and the Plot want.

AARON: Great! Let’s stay here so I can keep an eye on him! #WhenWillThePlotLetMeBreakUpWithYou

GIRL SQUAD: Aaron’s here with Dr Hair!!!!!! #SquadGoals #RobertHasFriends #MiraclesDoHappen #SecretPlotAgents

*DJ plays requests for Plot*

PRIYA: I paid him so I could have a part of the Plot again! Want to dance?

KERRY: Wooo!!! I like Fun Priya!

ROBERT: Look, I got his phone number. Can you all and the Plot leave me alone now. I just want to continue to wallow. #IMissAaron

BERNICE: Nope, you can’t, I think it’s time to dance!!

VICTORIA: Yep, you’re coming with us and totally not because Aaron is standing over there watching you.

ROBERT: No!!! Please don’t make me dance! What about the wallowing! And the drinking! I only dance with my husband!!!

GIRL SQUAD: *Drags Robert off to dance* #SquadGoals

AARON: *Oh no I have to watch him dance now Face*

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #WeSupportYouTracy #DavidYouSuck

[The Gay Bar with Robert, Bernice, Vanessa, Priya, Kerry, Mike, Aaron, Alex and the Nameless Friend]

AARON: *Watches Robert dance with the Girl Squad* *He’s a horrible dancer but I find him so damn endearing Face* *Cute little smile* #CrimesAgainstDancing

ALEX: Is that the camp redhead from the salon?

AARON: Okay, you haven’t earned the right to talk about Bernice. Sorry...I mean...yeah. Her and half the village.

ALEX: Let’s go over and dance with them...I love Bernice. #StopTalkingAboutBernice

PLOT: Okay Aaron, it’s time. #YouHaveMoreThanEarnedIt #SorryForTheHellThatIHavePutYouThrough

AARON: *Oh thank god Face* Alex wait! It’s time! I finally get to break up with you!

NAMELESS FRIEND: Well this is awkward, I’m just going to pop to the loo while you get dumped, mate.

AARON: Look, nothing’s happened...I wanted it to but the Plot wouldnt’ let me yet and then the Plot had to go and get you suspended from work and break your boiler but it’s finally letting me be free and I just I can’t keep lying to you and keeping up this Plot charade any longer than I have to. We need to break up, right now, before I lose my husband. #FreeAtLast

ALEX: *I hate being a Plot Device Face* #PlotShelfLife #ImNotEvenADoctorRightNow #WhatDoIHaveLeft

[The Woolpack with Charity, Chas, Lachlan and Belle]

*Charity’s phone rings*

CHAS: Oooh looks like your ‘playing it cool’ plan is failing. She’s made a new friend!

CHARITY: Let me see that! *Oh god what have I done Face*

CHAS: Serves you right for trying to delay the inevitable Plot developments. When the Plot is going in your favor, you’ve got to grab it with both hands!

CHARITY: Right, so...seeing as how I never do any work anyway and there’s no real customers here, can I just go and fix this?

CHAS: Ummm no. This is one of the only places in the Village where someone is usually working at all times. We have standards to keep up. *leaves for Plot Purposes*

CHARITY: Hey Belle and Not Quite Serial Killer! You’re only here so I have someone to handle my shift while I go get the girl! Want to help me out?

BELLE AND NOT QUITE SERIAL KILLER: Can we use this as a way to facilitate our insane microbrewery Plot?

CHARITY: I literally don’t care. Bye!

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #RossIsAHungrySadSack

[The Gay Bar with Robert, Bernice, Vanessa, Priya, Kerry, Mike, Aaron, Alex and the Nameless Friend]

ALEX: But I tried to let you out of this farce of a relationship at Christmas and you didn’t take the opportunity?!?

AARON: The Plot wouldn’t let me yet okay! I wanted to!

ALEX: So what changed?

AARON: *I don’t understand the ways of the Plot Face* The Plot is finally setting me free okay and I just really really miss my husband okay and I’m so tired. It’s time for this to end. #OperationGetRobertBack

ALEX: But just yesterday the Plot let me move my stuff in? There was cute banter about golf clubs!

AARON: I don’t make the rules! The Plot does whatever it wants okay! I’m sorry you got dragged into this but you need to let it go.

ALEX: Right, fine. I’m going to stay at the Nameless Friend’s place tonight.

AARON: You don’t have to. You could sleep on my sofa with Gerry while I’m hopefully banging my husband upstairs.

ALEX: I think I’ll spare myself that bit of awkwardness, thanks. I have some self respect. Take care of yourself. Good luck with future Plots. I hope they go better for you than this one. #TheDoctorIsOut

AARON: *Thank God That’s Over Face* #OperationGetRobertBackIsAGo

ROBERT AND THE GIRL SQUAD: *Still committing crimes against dancing* #SquadGoals

AARON: *Goes back to broodily leaning against the wall with his pint and watching from afar*

CHARITY: Mind if I join you? Stalking sounds like fun. My god they’re bad at dancing. #SavedByCrimesAgainstDancing

VANESSA: *Spots Charity* SHE CAME!!!!! #Result

ROBERT: *Oh no it’s Aaron Face* *Why won’t the Plot just let me have him Face* #AreWeBackTogether Yet

AARON: *Cute Little Smile* *Soon Robert, the Plot has released me but I’m reflecting for a moment Face*

VICTORIA: Sorry Rob. It’s my fault. I’m actually a secret agent working for the Plot and I thought I was doing the right thing but the Plot seems to have foiled me since he brought Alex! #MissionFailed

ROBERT: Of course he brought Alex! The Plot hates me! #TheFeelingIsMutual #SadDancing

VANESSA: Look who’s here! The Plot loves me!

CHARITY: No no, I just thought you might get murdered because your texts stopped making sense. This has nothing to do with the Plot. I swear. #PlotResistance

VANESSA: Aww you care if I die! *This Plot is the best Face*

AARON: *Could not care less about anyone else’s Plot, especially happy couples Face*

VANESSA: Excuse us.

AARON: *Still don’t care about anyone but Robert Face*

CHARITY: Still resisting the Plot babe, sorry.

VANESSA: Plot resistance is futile. I don’t make the rules.

*Vanity Kiss* - for the fans

AARON: *Watching my husband Face* #PlotLetMeGoToHimPlease

ROBERT: *Sad Bopping* #CrimesAgainstDancing I need to go and be pathetic and mopey somewhere he can’t see me.

VICTORIA: How you feel isn’t pathetic, Rob! #Supportive - it really is nice to act like myself again - #TheHellPlotWasCruelToAll

AARON: *Okay, I think it’s time I made my move Face*

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #PhilIsACreep #TakeHimDownTracy

[Outside the Gay Bar with Robert, Mike and Aaron]

ROBERT: *Broody Wall Leaning* #TryingToAvoidThePlot

MIKE: *Irish Accent* Who are you hiding from out here?

ROBERT: The Plot...trust me, you don’t want to get involved. It’s the worst.

MIKE: You sure I can’t help? I was hired as a Plot Device.

ROBERT: No...it’s pretty hopeless. You see, my ex just moved in with his new boyfriend so he wouldn’t even be jealous probably… #IHateThisPlot

MIKE: Just come back to mine anyway. Have a drink. *Mentions Gary*

ROBERT: Who the fuck is Gary? Sorry, mate, I haven’t really paid you any attention at all. *Sees Aaron* So...about that drink?

MIKE: *It’s my time to shine Face* Great! I’ll just go tell my mates to give you time to have a cute chat with your ex husband.

ROBERT: *He’s not Aaron, what am I getting myself into Face*

AARON: Hey, so...remember all those times you said you didn’t do gay bars?

ROBERT: Yeah well it’s my new thing. Besides, I know the fans have been wanting to make Bar West parallels for ages.

AARON: And you brought the Girl Squad.

ROBERT: Yeah well it gives us the opportunity to have this cute banter where I mention being bisexual because again, this is a Maxine episode and it’s a requirement, and thank god for that or I might never have gotten to come out properly. #BisexualQuota #BisexualContract #Jokes It’s how you get your license to be bisexual.

AARON: It’s already been denied, mate, all those crimes against dancing I’ve been forced to witness tonight. You’re lucky I lo- #DeniedByThePlot

ROBERT: You’re one to talk Mr ‘Technically this is just standing’. #NowIMadeMyselfSad

AARON: I don’t make the rules...no really...if I did, this Plot would have gone so differently. But I swear..it’s almost ov-

MIKE: Hi! I’m here to interrupt whatever Plot developments are going on here.

ROBERT: Mike, Aaron, Aaron, Mike. *Yeah I hate this too Face*

MIKE: Hi! *Oblivious to the Plot Face*

AARON: *I already despise you Face* #TakeAHikeMike

ROBERT: Well, we’re off then. #IHateThisPlot

AARON: *Oh Come On Plot!!! Why Face* #BrokenPromises *Broody Wall Leaning* - for the parallels

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #YouGoTracy #UselessDavid #SufferPhil

[The Gay Bar with Aaron, Victoria, Bernice, Vanessa, Charity, Kerry, Priya, The DJ and The Bouncer]

*Cute Vanity* - for the fans

*Priya is so desperate for a Plot she assualts the DJ*

VICTORIA: Oi! What were you playing at? Why did you bring Alex? This is not what I meant when I invited you!!

AARON: I didn’t. I literally couldn’t care less about him. In fact, I already barely remember what his face looks like. I only remember his name cause you just said it. I think...I think he was a doctor at some point?! By the way, if you’re looking for Robert, he already left with that...Mike bloke...and I’m not bitter about it at all. The Plot and I will be having words if it doesn’t sort this mess out.

KERRY: Hey uh...Priya assaulted the DJ so we have to go.

CHARITY: Surely not all of us because I’m pretty happy here not resisting the Plot anymore with Vanessa.

THE BOUNCER: Yes, all of you. Your Plot here is done.

VICTORIA: Wow! That escalated quickly. I hope this is the Plot course correcting.

VANESSA: Wait, we’re missing my new best friend Robert! #RobnessRising

AARON: Nah, he pulled. #BetrayedByThePlot

VANESSA: Aww, nice one!

AARON: *No it’s not, I hate everything Face*

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #WhyIsLachlanAMicrobrewerAndNotASerialKiller #RossIsASadSackButNowHasColdPizza #TooLittleTooLateDavid #YouGoTracy #DiePhil

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Paddy, Charity, Vanessa, Kerry, Bernice, Priya and Chas]

*Girl Squad Singing* #SquadGoals #CrimesAgainstDancing

CHAS: I know you never work, Charity, but come on! And there’s no way Lachlan is using my kitchen to become a flipping Hipster Microbrewer?! For fuck’s sake, what is this Plot anyway?!?!

CHARITY: Oh relax, I’m in the building. That’s about as close as I get to doing work anyway. #ChasIsOld

PADDY: *Pitifully lying on one of the benches* #CrackedEgg So where did you get to Aaron?

AARON: Just into town to stalk my- I mean to have a few drinks.

CHAS: *Is angry about being old*

PADDY: Sorry I called you old but I’m broken and can’t grovel properly. Aaron will you please get my phone and show your mum her birthday present?

AARON: *Annoyed to be waylaid by other people’s Plots Face* Uhh...booking confirmation. And let me read it deliberately badly so that Paddy can say-

PADDY: Mexico! We’re going to Mexico! But probably not because I’m sure that the Plot will get in the way, but for now, Mexico!

CHAS: Ooooh! I guess I’m less angry about being old for the moment now.

AARON: *Turned off by other people’s happiness Face* #WhenWillThePlotLetMeLive

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #YouGoTracy #YouSuckDavid #FrankYouCanStay

[The Woolpack with Aaron and Paddy]

PADDY: Alex is a doctor, can you ask him to pop over and see me about my back?

AARON: No. *Stop distracting me from thinking about how I’ve lost my husband Face*

PADDY: Oh. Well...don’t put yourself out. It’s just...I figured there had to be some benefit to you choosing Dr Plot Device and I thought I’d cash in now.

AARON: Too late, the Plot finally let me break up with him.

PADDY: Really? How come?

AARON: I never understand the motivations of the Plot. I just know I didn’t want my husband meeting someone else.

PADDY: Wait a minute. But just last week-

AARON: Save your breath trying to figure it out. The Plot gave me false hope, I was too late and now I’m super bitter about it.

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #ChasIsHappySoNowThePlotWillPounch #WhyIsLachlanNotASerialKiller

[The Garage with Aaron and Robert]

AARON: *Walks down the street* *Hears noise coming from the garage* *This is some Plot shenanigans Face* *Breaks door open* #KnownDoorHater *Sees Robert with the dreaded whiskey* I thought you were robbing the place?!?! What could you possibly be doing here in our weirdly special place looking all sad? This is definitely the Plot isn’t it? I’m so confused.

ROBERT: I just thought I’d sit here all sad and drink whiskey but like...not sleep with anyone this time because it turns out I just want to be faithful to you even though it doesn’t matter anymore because the Plot hates me and broke us up...forever ago...but I’m still upset about it.

AARON: I’m still upset about it too. I might have even come here myself last night for five minutes to reminisce. Yesterday was miserable for me too you know but the Plot wouldn’t let me show it and it shoved a man with golf clubs in my direction. It was a truly terrible day. I’m sorry the Plot made you think I didn’t care.

ROBERT: I just wanted to remember what it was like…

AARON: To be happy?

(FANDOM: Stop killing us Maxine, we’re already dead here! #QueenMaxine)

ROBERT: Well this is way too depressing, let me deflect. So...Alex is moving in. That’s, that’s brilliant Aaron. If my heart wasn’t shattered inside, I’d be happy for you.

AARON: Don’t worry, he was only moving in because the Plot broke his boiler.

ROBERT: Wait? What? Seriously? But won’t he be wondering where you are?

AARON: Doubt it, the Plot FINALLY let me break up with him.

ROBERT: *This is too good to be true Face* *I don’t trust the Plot Face* You what?

AARON: I ended it...cause I still want you. *God it feels good to say that out loud Face* #ThankYouPlot

ROBERT: No, no, I don’t actually believe this is happening. It’s been hell for so long. No, this is why we’re supposed to be staying away from each other. We get too close and have almost dates and banter and longing looks and almost kisses and then the Plot always interrupts, Aaron. I’m not falling for it again.

AARON: No, Robert! I think this is actually real this time. That almost kiss wasn’t a mistake and I was going to break up with...what’s his name again, but then the Plot got him suspended and well I couldn’t break his heart after he’d just accidentally killed someone with his dodgy doctoring. That would have been cruel.

ROBERT: You always did have a soft spot for accidental murderers. But really, it was just about his dumb work plot?

AARON: Yeah, I know. Ridiculous isn’t it. But anyway, the way I feel about you is scary. But I’m just so god damn exhausted by this Plot Robert, I need it to be over. You need it to be over. The fans have needed it to be over since March, hell, since last October. It just feels like a piece of me is missing and it’s too hard to go without any longer.

ROBERT: *Plot resistant for protection* You’re probably just upset over Alex.

AARON: I literally don’t care about him at all. I actually just forgot about him entirely again until you brought him up. I’m so relieved that that Plotstacle has FINALLY been removed from my life.

ROBERT: No Aaron, I don’t trust the Plot, you probably just didn’t give him enough of a chance. The Plot made you choose him, it had to be for a reason!

AARON: Yeah, but I think the Plot just wanted to delay the inevitable. I mean, it’s the week of our wedding anniversary and it’s Thursday. Big things always happen on Thursdays. Usually, they’re bad but sometimes, sometimes they’re good Robert. That Plot Device whose name I already forgot, just served to make me want you more. That was his purpose!

ROBERT: Maybe you need to try someone else?

AARON: No! No more third party Plot Devices! We’re done with those!

ROBERT: No! I hurt you, the Plot made me hurt you.

AARON: Yeah and I forgave you, two Maxine episodes ago! #QueenMaxine

ROBERT: No no, I’m not falling for this. After that, the Plot made you ill!

AARON: Yeah it did, but that was because the Plot never lets me talk about stuff until it all blows up into maximum drama. That’s not your fault!

ROBERT: Are you sure? I feel like everything was kind of my fault. I started the Hell Plot.

AARON: It wasn’t all you, I promise.

ROBERT: Okay but you just said you were scared of being with me. Surely that’s a bad sign for future Plot.

AARON: No, and this is rare because the Plot rarely lets me express my feelings so pay attention, I meant I was scared how much I love you.

ROBERT: *Is this really happening Face*

AARON: But if this Hell Plot has turned you off, if you want an easier life, if you don’t want me anymore, then I get it. There’s probably less Plot if you’re not with me.

ROBERT: *Are you actually kidding me Face* Screw the Plot, of course I still want you, ya idiot. I want you more than anything.

AARON: *Cute little smile* *Sigh of relief*

(FANDOM: They’re calling each other idiot again, all is right with the world! #Blessed #IdiotsInLove)

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #RossIsScaredAndAngry #PeteAndRhonaAreStillAThing

[The Garage with Aaron and Robert]

ROBERT: Do really think the Plot will let you trust me?

AARON: *It finally let me get counselling so yes Face* If you can be faithful.

ROBERT: I think now that we’ve had a cheating Plot, the Plot can maybe move on for a bit, so we might be safe for now.

**PROPER HAND HOLDING ALERT** - for the fans #Blessed #NeverThoughtThisDayWouldCome

AARON AND ROBERT: *Stares fondly at their interlocked fingers* #ThirdTimeIsTheCharm

(FANDOM: It’s so beautiful!!)

ROBERT: But wait Aaron, sorry, I got so wrapped up in our first proper hand hold I almost forgot, but what about Plot Baby? Still not totally sure where that Plot is going, but I think, even though he’s just an empty pram half the time, that he might be sticking around. Are you sure you can deal with that?

AARON: *Takes both of Robert’s hands* - for the fans - Well I’m FINALLY allowed to have some feelings about this subject. I know...it’s been a long time coming, and well, I think considering that I had a really shit childhood, that I could never resent a baby, especially your baby and now that the Plot seemingly wants us back together, that’s how I see him. Plots happen in our lives but we always have to move on from them eventually. How he ended up in this Plot may always be terrible but I’m ready to move on if you are.

ROBERT: *I can’t believe how nice the Plot is being to me Face* Are you sure? Because, well I just want the fans to know, because I know it may have seemed like that in lesser writer’s hands, but I’d never force him on you.

AARON: You wouldn’t have to. And besides, I’m sure once we get through this transition period, he’ll mostly be in the baby cupboard until they recast him.

ROBERT: I don’t want to bring this up because we’re having such a nice moment, but it would be irresponsible of me in this deep, meaningful conversation we’re having if I didn’t mention the original Third Wheel Plot Device, Rebecca.

AARON: Yeah, right, her. Well, I’m probably always gonna hate her but she’s practically a shell of a human at this point and has brain damage so I guess I’ll deal. Dear god, writers, sort it out!!! But anyway, she didn’t break us up, well I mean the Plot used her as a catalyst, but it was all of our issues that broke us up. We’re absolutely hopeless when it comes to #Communication and that’s why most of our Plot Points happen.

ROBERT: Well, I’ve had nearly a year of this Hell Plot to think it over, plus some insta love for the Plot Baby and a Christmas Coma and now I’m new man, I promise. No more lying, no more secrets, no more hurting people.

AARON: Great, I’m very pleased with your redemption arc. I’m doing much better too. I mean, look at all of this talking I’m doing. We need to keep doing that, talking about our problems instead of letting them fester until the become full blown Plots.

ROBERT: *Still terrified of the Plot Face*

AARON: So...Are we back together yet?

ROBERT: No, no sorry, I can’t do it. #PostTraumaticPlotDisorder

AARON: *Why does the Plot keep doing this to me Face*

PLOT: *Shrug* Drama?

AARON: *Crying Face* Wait Robert, at least tell me why?

ROBERT: Because you left me. I know the Plot made you and that you needed to so that you could get better, but you still left and then I had a months long breakdown where I got drunk a lot and fell down stairs and poisoned an old man and manipulated a pregnant Plot Device and committed fraud and blackmailed a teenager with a prostitute and faked a one night stand and seduced an old man to the point where I almost had to sleep with him if there were a few less sandwiches and I paid a guy to fake run over my ex wife and then I fake murdered him. Aaron, it was a lot! All because I lost my husband and my best friend and my home. I can’t do it again, I can’t be that much of a villain again because I’m not sure I could come back from it next time.

AARON: I know and I’m sorry.

ROBERT: You have nothing to be sorry for Aaron. These character traits, they’ve been in me from birth according to some people. And sooner or later, you’d realize that again and you’d go and *Super Extra Drama Queen Mode Activate* *Face touching* - for the fans - I’d rather never have you back then lose you again. #EmmaBartonRollsOverInHerGrave

AARON: *Crying Face* #ThePlotGivethAndThePlotTakethAway

***WARNING: NON ROBRON OR VANITY SCENES MAY BE SEEN AT THIS TIME. WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INTERRUPTION*** #TracyIsTheBest #TooLittleTooLateDavid #BerniceYouDeserveBetterThanDaz #DanIsFunnerThanPriya #Gross #LonelyPriya #GetPriyaAPlot #ChasIsOkayWithBeingOld

[The Woolpack with Vanessa and Charity]

VANESSA: I’m off if you’re still going to be resisting the Plot.

CHARITY: You don’t have to go.

VANESSA: Yes but, you’re all about that #NoStringsLife

CHARITY: But what if your little covert Plot Op worked and I want maybe a tiny string?

VANESSA: I’d say what have you done with my girlfriend?

CHARITY: *Gasp* The G word?!!

VANESSA: Go on, resist the Plot.

CHARITY: Resistance is futile. Come here.

*Vanity kiss #2* - for the fans

[Keeper’s Cottage with Robert]

*Adele Plays* *Robert stands in the dark being dramatic* #RobertIsASap

PLOT: As it should be #RomComOfErrors

[The Garage with Aaron]

AARON: *Do I let the Plot win pacing*

[Keeper’s Cottage with Robert]

*Robert is still listening to Adele*

[Outside Keeper’s Cottage with Aaron]

AARON: *Fuck the Hell Plot I’m taking control back walking*

PLOT: As it should be. This was always the plan.

AARON: *Determined knocking*

[Keeper’s Cottage with Robert]

ROBERT: *Dramatic door closing*

[Outside Keeper’s Cottage with Aaron and Robert]

AARON: *I hate everything Face* *Walks away*

PLOT: Noooo! Don’t go, this is the best part!!!

ROBERT: Opens the door.

PLOT: Okay Aaron, RELEASE THE FEELINGS!

AARON: #ThisIsMyMoment Alright, you just shut your mouth for one moment and let me say something. *Rom Com Hero Mode Activate*

ROBERT: *Shocked into silence by Aaron actually speaking Face*

AARON: You are a disaster. Let me insult you a bunch just so you don’t get a big head after I get through the rest of this speech which is actually going to be rather nice. But anyway, while I’m at it, let me make sure I get in my dig about your music tastes because that’s our thing and I miss it. Also, you really are a terrible dance, worse than Paddy and that’s saying something.

ROBERT: *I’m offended by that commend Face*

AARON: But I digress. Look I’ve got nothing to figure out okay. The Plot is finally letting me express the full range of my feelings so here it goes. I know you, I at least know most of the bad things you’ve done in your various Plots, more than anyone else anyway. I know what I’m getting myself into. But I also know all of the good things too. You’ve tried so hard for me and for the people that you love and not everyone else sees that but I do! #BestLine #QueenMaxine

ROBERT: *Can’t handle compliments Face* #SelfWorthWhatSelfWorth

AARON: *Crying Face* Right, continuing on, I made this list that you can sort of see in my hand when I flail because it’s just taking so much out of me to express these feelings that have been swirling around inside for the last seven months. It’s a list of all of the good Plot Moments you’ve had since you got shot. We won’t talk about the affair. That’s too far in the past to matter. Anyway, first there was Gordon. You were the one who got me to talk about him and you listened and then you helped me through that whole Abuse Plot and you were amazing in that, almost perfect.

ROBERT: *Can’t handle compliments Face* #SelfWorthWhatSelfWorth

AARON: And then, during that Plot, you found my little sister, Liv, with your weird dodgy contacts! And then even though she reported you to the police because of the Ryan thing, you took her in like she was your own.

ROBERT: *I’d do it again Face*

AARON: Oh and then there was that time that we were in that massive car crash on a Thursday and we were drowning but you got me out of that car and you saved my life.

ROBERT: *I’d do that again too Face*

AARON: And then, a year ago, you planned our mental wedding. Oh and you built us a home that you’ve barely even gotten to live in, all while getting me out of prison early. And then…*deep breath* God a lot of Plot happens to us, then you told me the truth about Rebecca instead of trying to hide it like you would have before your Abuse Plot Glow Up and like every other person in this village would have and has. And then you stepped up for your son and you fought for him. - I’ll leave out that part where you might have caused the deaths of two people and the brain damage of another in the process because the Plot still hasn’t sorted that one out yet and it’s irrelevant to my speech about the good things - and you loved him. And you loved me, like NOBODY ever has before.

ROBERT: *Can’t handle compliments Face* #SelfWorthWhatSelfWorth

AARON: *Crying Face* So please Robert, will ya? Will ya just come home with me? And let me help you this time. *Rom Com Hero Mode Deactivate* *Grumpy Aaron Mode Activate* Well go on, you can talk!

ROBERT: *Deadly Serious Mode* I’m actually a really good dancer.

(ME: *Dies*)

AARON: *Laughs at his idiot husband*

ROBERT: Of course I’ll come home with you. I love you so much and I’m so happy the Plot is allowing this to happen. #GratefulToThePlot #ThisISWeird So...does this mean we’re back together?

AARON: *Face Touching* *Kiss on the lips* *Kiss on the cheek* *Clinging Hug* - for the fans -

(FANDOM: *Dead*)

ROBERT: *Breathes* *Proper Husband Heart Eyes*

AARON: *Breathes* *Proper Husband Heart Eyes*

ROBERT: Can you hear that? *Adele Playing*

AARON: What?

ROBERT: It’s our song. #AdeleDiscourse #AdeleStan

AARON: We don’t have a song.

ROBERT: Yeah we do.

AARON: *Listens* Do you wanna get dumped again? #AdeleDiscourse #AdeleAnti

ROBERT: We definitely don’t have a song. #AdeleAnti

*Face Touching* - for the fans

ROBERT: I’ve missed you Mr Sugden.

AARON: Mr Dingle.

ROBERT: Yeah?

AARON: *Adorable Smile* Shut up *Heart Eyes*

ROBERT: *Big Smile* *Heart Eyes*

*Smushy Kiss* *Clinging Hug* - for the fans

(FANDOM: *Resurrected and Dead again* #QueenMaxine)

*Proper hand hold* *Walking back home hand in hand* *Leaving the door to Keeper’s Cottage open* #KnownDoorHaters

PLOT: And they lived happily ever after. #AsItShouldBe #TheHellPlotIsOver #BackTogether

Chapter Text

[The Mill with Aaron, Seb, Lachlan and Belle]

AARON: *surveys pillow fort* *I am an architectural genius Face* #WorkWhatIsWork

*Knocking*

SEB: *Who’s interrupting my playtime Face?*

AARON: *Sigh* It’s probably the Plot. Always is. Can’t I just not work in peace. Thank god I can get away with this though unlike Dan. Did you know, mate, the Plot actually gave him consequences for not working. #SorryNotSorry

*Answers door*

AARON: *Sees Lachlan* *Hello Plot my old friend* You know, Robert’s not here. I thought he was the tie to your Plot, not me. That’s why I’m being shoved off screen again next week.

LACHLAN: Actually, we came to see the second generation Plot Device instead.

AARON: *Check out my Pillow Palace Masterpiece Gesture*

BELLE: We’ve just cleared all of Plotbecca’s things out of Victoria’s like she never even existed now that Vic isn’t short for Victim anymore. *turns to Seb* Hi cute Plot Baby!

LACHLAN: Yeah we found this symbol of Plotbecca’s existence. *Shows Aaron the locket*

AARON: *Nods out of obligation* #WeDoNotSpeakToSerialKillersInThisHouse

LACHLAN: I thought he might want it when he’s older when everyone has conveniently blocked out her existence.

AARON: *Oh you expected me to care Face* *Obligatory Nod* #WhyAreYouStillInMyHouse Seb’s been kicking off all day of screen but now he’s #CameraReady.

SEB: *Looks at Lachlan* *What the hell do you want Face*

LACHLAN: I know you’re mum’s not around right now…cause I kidnapped her and held her hostage for weeks and may or may not have killed her…but I digress. She loved you. It was her sole character trait.

BELLE: Loves! - to confuse the fans - It’s still her only character trait.

SEB: *Babbles* *That’s nice but can I go back to playing now*

LACHLAN: Thanks grammar police, that’s what I meant. Of course. No foul play here. Anyway, while she’s ‘not here’ I’m gonna look out for you Cuz.

SEB: *Babbles* *Why does that sound like a threat*

LACHLAN: I’m going to get you anything you need.

SEB: *I need you to leave Face*

LACHLAN: *Turns to Aaron* Oh…you are still here. You’ve been so quiet. Could you just make sure he knows that his creepy serial killing cousin is always going to be here for him, murdering every last family member he has.

AARON: *Why are you still in my house Face* - It’s a shame I’ve reached my quota of involvement in this Plot for the time being - #Plotless #WhenWillIHavePlotAgain

LACHLAN: *Guilty Face* - for the general audience

Chapter Text

7 August 2024

[A lay by on a country road that’s not reminiscent of anything we’ve ever seen before…really]

AARON: *Jamming out in the car unaware of the PLOT he’s about to get sucked into* *Sees man in the road* Oh hello PLOT my old friend. I haven’t missed you. I’d been having such a nice time being set dressing. Sigh…*Playing my part reluctantly face* Hey! What are you doing? You’re not about to drag me into some PLOT I don’t want to be a part of are you?

FAUXBERT: *Puts on his best Robert impression* *FAILURE…ABORT…FAILURE*

PLOT: No no, keep going, this is fine. I’m going to force this to work even if it kills me.

FAUXBERT: Right…here it goes. Hey, I my car broke down and I coincidentally have no signal. I’m sure you have absolutely no experience with kind of situation.

AARON: *Sigh…face* Ah yes, this is a signal dead zone. Clever play PLOT. *Stares at Fauxbert* *Does that torso look like the one on my PLOT phone?* Hey, the PLOT is sending me to a hotel for a hook up because they still have no idea what to do with me romantically while Robert is in prison *off screen land* and it didn’t work out with the guy I used to bully on account of him getting murdered by a paddle *for the fans* by the latest local serial killer…anyway, you wouldn’t happen to coincidentally be the guy I’m supposed to meet would you? That feels like something the PLOT would do. It loves coincidental meetings and misunderstandings and hates actual character development.

FAUXBERT: *Casual flirting face* *FAILURE…ABORT…FAILURE*

PLOT: No, it’s fine. No one will notice.

FAUXBERT: Yes, it was coincidentally me you were supposed to be meeting. Imagine that!

AARON: *Deja vu Face* A broken down car in a lay by…and me…a former mechanic…who has never been in this exact scenario before. Well, I guess I’ll help you fix it. *Fixes van*

**AWKWARD FLIRTING ALERT**

AARON: Maybe I would have recognized you if you showed more than your torso…

FAUXBERT: *Winky face* Something wrong with my torso? It was all I was allowed to show so we could have this exact exchange apropos of nothing.

AARON: *Reluctant flirting face* I guess it’s a nice torso. I’ve seen better.

FAUXBERT: *Best Robert impression face* *FAILURE…ABORT…FAILURE*

PLOT: *Whispers* keep going….

FAUXBERT: Number one rule, always play your strongest hand first.

AARON: *Oh is this supposed to work on me face?* I guess you’ve got….assets. Any other rules?

FAUXBERT: Never forgive, never forget. Wow…that seemed like a random thing to say.

PLOT: *Whispers* Go with it.

AARON: *Reluctant acceptance face* Well, I guess the PLOT wants us to get on. A certain Ryan Hawley won’t return their phone calls. Smart lucky bastard. Okay…I fixed your car enough to get you to a local garage that my uncle happens to own that I used to work at.

FAUXBERT: Lucky thing, me swiping right on you I guess. Aren’t coincidences great?

AARON: No, I don’t think so, but let’s get this over with. I don’t normally talk this much on my hook ups. I’m usually just waiting to be called an idiot (affectionately) and then I’m in the mood.

FAUXBERT: *Force flirting face* Oh good, I was wondering when you’d shut up. *Awkward forced kiss* *Waits expectantly*

PLOT: Now slam him against the car Aaron. You’re well practiced at that move!

AARON: But…that’s a Robert thing.

PLOT: Yeah yeah but Ryan wouldn’t call us back so this is the next best thing. It’s…Fate!

AARON: Is it though?

PLOT: Just pretend he said “because you know why we’re both still here”

AARON: *Caught in an amateur dramatics performance of the Robron story face* Sigh…fine. *Aggressively shoves Fauxbert against the van and kisses him with forced “passion”*

*Fade to black and other scenes* - for the fans…no one wants to see that.

[Back of Fauxbert’s car]

AARON: *I guess we just hooked up on the side of the road face* So…give me your life story so I know who I just slept with.

FAUXBERT: Oh, no can do mate. That’s classified. You’re going to be PLOT ignorant until at least tomorrow.

AARON: *Concerned face* Damn, really? I hate when that happens. It never means anything good for me. I wonder who you’ll turn out to be? *Looks around* *oooh face…not that kind* So this is going to be a Robert thing huh?

FAUXBERT: Still not at liberty to say.

AARON: *Resigned face* We have zero chemistry but uh…round two?

FAUXBERT: Sure…but uh…get out of the van for a second so I can drive off with your stuff. We’ll need a PLOT reason to see each other again.

AARON: *Angry at the PLOT face* For fuck’s sake. Couldn’t I just meet a nice normal person and build a solid relationship with him instead of this nonsense? Ryan…CALL THEM BACK!

Chapter Text

28 August 2024

[The Cafe with Aaron, Fauxbert, Nameless Date, Nicola and Jimmy]

*Fauxbert sits at a table while Nicola serves him breakfast*

FAUXBERT: *Gives weird compliment about bacon* See look…I’m nice! Everyone’s been complaining that I’m hostile all the time.

NICOLA: *Existential Crisis Face* Great…my life has amounted to showing viewers that this imposter can be nice… #RobertComeBack

*Aaron enters*

*Nameless Date sits at the table* *Doesn’t even merit a close up he’s that unimportant*

AARON: *Searching for Motivation Face* *Barely glances at the table where an alleged date is happening*

PLOT: No Aaron…look harder...show “Jealous Face”

AARON: Nah Mate, the table just happens to be in my path to the counter. Had to look at it to avoid walking into it. Oh look…there’s Jimmy. Hey Jimmy…let’s talk about your Plot, mine is too pathetic to even participate in today.

PLOT: Can you at least vaguely look at the table while you’re talking to Jimmy?

AARON: *Resigned Face* Fine, I will let my eyes drift briefly over the table. Now…back to Jimmy…

JIMMY: But I don’t want to have Plot! I keep having Plot and it’s not going well for me Aaron.

AARON: Yeah…but do you want Will to handle your Plot?

JIMMY: *Horrified Face* God no!

AARON: *Relief Face* Great, then let’s get going. I’ll escort you back to your Plot.

JIMMY: I miss Robert.

AARON: *Wistful Face* Same, mate…same. #RyanHawleyIsADemon

FAUXBERT: *Searching for Motivation Face*

PLOT: Yeah but like…watch Aaron leave please…

FAUXBERT: *Hasn’t Learned How To Ignore The Plot Yet Face* *Stares at Aaron vaguely as he escapes* *Glances back at alleged Nameless Date* Oh…you’re still here…Who are you again? *Smirk of Acknowledgement*

[The Woolpack with Aaron, Gail and Fauxbert]

GAIL: *Weirdly wistful about Caleb Face* For some reason, I’m going to say that Caleb is full of positivity cause I’m quirky like that.

AARON: Right…but can you do it while you get me a pint please? I’ve had a rough day trying to avoid the Plot.

PLOT: *Pushes Fauxbert through the door* Now do it just as we practiced!

FAUXBERT: *Still Hasn’t Learned How To Ignore The Plot Face* *Approaches Aaron at the bar* *Stares at his back for 1…2…3 seconds* And I’m out… *Flees off screen*

AARON: *Confused Face* What are you doing mate?

PLOT: No Aaron…no lines…just wistful staring…It’ll sell the whole thing, I promise!

AARON: Okay…but like…why do I like this guy again? We’ve never even had a real conversation.

PLOT: Shhhh…it doesn’t matter….stare….let the sexual tension simmer…till it boils over tomorrow…

AARON: Oh I’m going to need more than a pint for this….#RobertComeBack #IMissWhenMyPlotsMadeSense

Chapter Text

29 August 2024

[Outside the Woolpack with Fauxbert, Nate and Aaron]

*Fauxbert and Nate banter* - no one cares

*Aaron walks up*

AARON: *Jokes about knitting* Remember that one time Robert said I should take up knitting because it would be therapeutic? #TheGoodOldDays

PLOT: Pay attention Aaron….the sexual tension is simmering some more.

AARON: Is it though? I still don’t know why I like this guy. #404MotivationNotFound

FAUXBERT: *Banters about books to show off* What do you think Aaron?

AARON: *Confused Face* Uhh….I only read NME Magazines and about cars so uhh… #RobertKnewThis

NATE: *Impressed Face* You’re so smart Fauxbert, you should enter the Pub Quiz Night. Right…with that, I’ll leave you to your Plot. Gotta go start reliving my own greatest hits because I’m almost out of here!

PLOT: Ask him out to the Quiz Night Aaron…

AARON: But that was my thing with Robert. We won and everything. Plus, I don’t do dates.

FAUXBERT: Only angry one night stands?

AARON: Sorry, mate, I was having a conversation with this terrible Plot we’re in, not you. Besides, you don’t know anything about me. #RobertKnewEverything

FAUXBERT: *Eyes Emoji Face* You’d be surprised… #DoesThisMeanSomething

PLOT: *Checks Notes* Unclear Sir!

[The Cafe with Aaron, Mack and Moira]

AARON: *Contemplating Why This Plot Is So Bad Face*

MACK: *Enters* Hey, want food. Bacon Butties cheer you up. You look rough mate. Plot getting you down? You look like you want to punch someone. *sits down* *Gives Aaron a cute little kick* *More Chemistry Than Fauxron Alert*

AARON: Yeah. The Plot really wants me to be into him but, try as I might, I still can’t figure out why. Motivation is so hard to find.

MACK: Tell me about it. I apparently hate the guy, which, I mean, fair…but also I have no real reason to. Ah well, at least I’m pretty.

AARON: *Frown Of Agreement*

MACK: But anyway, I’m here anytime you want to vent about your Plot.

AARON: Cheers mate, I’m gonna try and ignore it as long as possible.

*Moira Enters*

MOIRA: Mack! Get back to your Plot! It’s time for your monthly *at death’s door* moment.

MACK: *Sighs* Fine. #ThankGodHottenGeneralWorksMiracles Gotta go deal with a Bull and a Fauxbert….

AARON: Which would you say is worse?

MACK: They’re both as bad as each other. Neither one can show an emotion. #TheSecondComingOfThePlank

*Blah Blah Blah* #FauxbertsCarIsFixed #TimeToLeave #BullshitAtTheFarm #TheresMoreSexualTensionBetweenMackandFauxbert

[Outside Keeper’s With Victoria, Aaron and Fauxbert]

VICTORIA: Hey Aaron, been a while. What have you been doing?

AARON: Besides your brother? Not much. #IWishIWasDoingRobert

VICTORIA: Want to catch up over lunch?

AARON: *Knows This Is A Plot Thing Face* What’s the catch?

*Fauxbert’s van appears*

VICTORIA: Well…my brother is going to be there.

FAUXBERT: *Speaks*

AARON: Nah, I’m out. I can avoid the Plot a little longer.

PLOT: I’m coming for you though!

VICTORIA: *To Fauxbert* Be nice. Aaron is one of my best mates and sometimes the Plot even lets me remember that. #PerpetualPlotVictim

FAUXBERT: *Hostile Face* I’m gonna skip lunch then. #VanLife

#MoreBullshitAtTheFarm #MackFallsOverAGate #TheBullWatchesWithNoEmotion #PlankToTheRescue

[Butler’s Kitchen with Mack, Nate and Aaron]

AARON: Mate! The Plot just told me you were gored by a Bull and left in critical condition. I see it exaggerated again. It does love believing in its own hype.

PLOT: #Wounded

MACK: Nope…I just fell off a gate but the important thing is that Fauxbert is totally responsible. #FoundMyMotivation

NATE: We don’t know that though…Moira is having Plot too. That could have been the cause.

MACK: Nope, this was definitely Fauxbert. I have to keep hating him. It makes some of the fans happy and with all of the Vanity fans that hate my guts, I need the win, okay!

[The Barn with Fauxbert and Aaron]

FAUXBERT: Just can’t stay away can you? Why is that?

AARON: *Angry Face* Don’t get smart with me!

FAUXBERT: No really, I’m honestly asking. Why do we keep getting pushed together?

AARON: *Side Eyes The Plot*

PLOT: *Practices Robert’s ‘Who Me Face’* Look at this sexual tension… #IAmSoGoodAtMyJob You’ve run from me long enough Aaron, it’s time for you both to play along.

AARON: *Resigned To My Fate But I Don’t Have To Like It Face* You know why I’m here.

FAUXBERT: *Confused Face* Is this foreplay?

AARON: No, mate, this is about this Bullshit Mack Plot you’re for some reason a part of so he can keep hating you.

FAUXBERT: Yeah…I had nothing to do with that.

AARON: The Plot wants me to think you did though.

FAUXBERT: I’m not responsible for the Plot spreading misinformation. I literally have no idea what you’re talking about.

PLOT: *Sits in the corner with popcorn* #IAmSoGoodAtMyJob #SexualTension

FAUXBERT: You know, there are simpler ways of getting my attention. The Plot whispers to me that that is what this is all about.

*Fauxbert aggressively grabs Aaron and shoves his lips at his face*

AARON: *Pushes him off* What are you doing? #TheseLipsAreForRobert

FAUXBERT: Kissing you, like the Plot obviously wants.

PLOT: *Salivating in the corner*

AARON: I’ve heard of #SomeMadLunge but mate, that wasn’t kissing, that was practically assault and not in the sexy wall shoving kind of way. #CrimesAgainstKissing

FAUXBERT: I guess I’ll just have to keep practicing. Feel free to stop me.

AARON: #IWishICould #BoundByContractualPlotObligations

*More #CrimesAgainstKissing Occur*

[Outside and Inside the Barn with Victoria, Fauxbert and Aaron]

VICTORIA: Fauxbert! Where are you? We’ve been separated for more than five seconds. I need to know your exact whereabouts and attach myself to you again. *Opens the barn door* OH MY GOD! Seriously???!!! Please tell me this isn’t happening! #WishfulThinking#ThePlotIsSoPredictable

FAUXBERT: Well it’s not happening anymore now that you’re here. #PlotFoiled

VICTORIA: Well, Aaron, congrats on getting the hat trick!

AARON: Give it a rest Vic! I didn’t ask for this. The Plot made me do it!

VICTORIA: Do you have any idea how messed up this is? - speaking for the fans -

AARON: Definitely, which is why I’m out of here again. Thanks for the assist.

FAUXBERT: Come back! The Plot still has ideas…I’m sure Vic will leave us to it.

AARON: Wow…you’ve definitely not met your sister when she’s in #PlotVictim mode. #LOL #AaronOut

VICTORIA: Look…

FAUXBERT: *Hostility Mode Activated* My life, my rules. Butt out!

[Outside Jacob’s Fold with Charity, Aaron and unconscious Mack]

AARON: What happened? He was fine!

CHARITY: Well he’s obviously not! It’s that time of the month where the Plot puts him in hospital!

AARON: *Guilty Face* #IHateThisPlot

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Plotdale 17 June 2025

[Hotten Prison with Robert his new Guard friend]

**Shot of Robert’s beaten up face**

PLOT: I apologize for this not being sexy bruises yet.

ROBERT: Isn’t my bruise lovely! It’s maroon, it’s in my color scheme!

GUARD: Looks gross, hope your visitor isn’t squeamish.

ROBERT: *Out and Proud and Pathetically (affectionate) In Love with Aaron Mode Activated** Let me tell you about my husband who married me twice!

GUARD: Isn’t he your ex?

ROBERT: *Smiley Face* Not relevant. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[The Mill of Unfortunate Design Choices with Plotron, Fauxbert and Victim]

PLOTRON: *Lying Liar Who Lies Mode Activated* Gotta go do important scrap work! Nothing Plot related to see here!

VICTIM: Hey! Hope no one’s got Plot today, I’m hungry! I’m also playing postwoman today, here’s your package.

FAUXBERT: *Sulking Mode Activated* Sorry he has no time to feed you he’s too busy lying to me. And here I thought I was in control of this Plot. #WorshipMe

PLOTRON: *Lying Liar Who Lies Mode* I told you, scrap! Nevermind that I literally only “work” if there’s Plot to be done. Bye! Can’t wait to get out of this assault on my eyes and away from you.

FAUXBERT: *Sulking Mode* Aren’t you forgetting something?

PLOTRON: Uhhh let’s see. Plot Dumb? Check. Love Robert Jacob Sugden? Check. Plot won’t let me love Robert openly? Sadly, Check. No, I don’t think I’m forgetting anything.

FAUXBERT: *Sulking Mode* Butties of course…for your “work” trip. Look I’ve saved you from future hunger. #WorshipMe

**PLOTRON gratefully exits**

VICTIM: Uhh dying of thirst over here.

FAUXBERT: *Sulking Mode* Sorry I’m too busy sulking to turn a kettle on. I have to look at my beige wedding photos and feel inadequate because Aaron is off seeing the love of his life. #ICanBeYourHeroBaby

[Hotten Prison with Robert and Plotron]

ROBERT: *Heart Eyes Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

PLOTRON: *Oh My God Your Eye Face* #LetMeBeConcerned

ROBERT: *Snarky Defense Mode Activated* Wanna add to the collection? Right now we’re at an even split of punches and kisses. #OneOfThoseFaces

PLOTRON: *I’d Rather Never Have You Back Than Lose You Again Mode Activated* Why’d you want to see me? #IKnow

ROBERT: *Pathetically (Affectionate) In Love With Aaron Mode Activated* #YouKnow

PLOTRON: Er..uhh…yeah it’s definitely cause Vic was upset and not at all that I desperately wanted to see you. Anyway…she said you were losing it. #LyingLiarWhoLies

ROBERT: I was losing it but you’re here so all is right in the world. You might be wearing that cheap tacky gold wedding ring but that doesn’t stop me from loving you and shouting it from the rooftops. Remember when that’s all you wanted of me. Here I am, saying it proud. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

PLOTRON: Yes and I’m regretting saying that and being a pick me girl for a minute there. It’s really backfiring on me now.

ROBERT: I know you still love me too. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[The Mill of Unfortunate Design Choices with Fauxbert and Victim]

VICTIM: These beige wedding photos are great! No Notes. #AllTheNotes

FAUXBERT: *Sulking Mode* You knew he was going to see him didn’t you?

VICTIM: The Plot let me care about the right brother for a moment, what was I to do? Not tell the love of his life to go see him? #TeamRobert #SorryNotSorry

FAUXBERT: You’re conspiring with the Plot against me?! How dare you?!

VICTIM: Hey I thought the Plot was going to keep him from going okay! We’ve both been victims lately. #ReleaseMe But also Robert was really hurt and I like getting to care and Aaron probably does too. #SorryNotSorry #TeamRobert

FAUXBERT: *Psycho Mode Activated* Sadly Robert is still breathing.

VICTIM: *Plot Blindness Clearing Momentarily* Woah woah…that’s not a normal thing to say. #RedFlag #TeamRobert #TeamRobron

FAUXBERT: *Irritated Face* #SorryNotSorry It’s all I hear about. Robert and Aaron the big love story and like…sorry, I’m a certified Robert Anti. I’m an Aaron Stan through and through. I understand him better than anyone and I prioritize his mental health that I can exploit above all!

VICTIM: *Plot Blindness Returning* Nooo stop, I don’t want to go back. Sigh. Aaron married you for Plot reasons! Every Plot Dumb person in this village can see you’re meant to be! This will not backfire on us at all. #WaitingForTheOtherShoeToDrop #TeamJohn #TeamRobert #CanIReallyHaveItBothWays

FAUXBERT: *Resigned Face* Two weeks and our marriage is already dead and buried. #RobertAnti #DoNotInteractIfYouShipRobron

[Hotten Prison with Robert and Plotron]

PLOTRON: *I’d Rather Never Have You Back Than Lose You Again Mode Still Activated* I thought we already had a better version of this scene at the wedding?

ROBERT: *Pathetically (Affectionate) In Love With Aaron Mode Still Activated* We did but let me tell you again how I think we were the best couple ever. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

PLOTRON: We were but the Plot wants me to remember that in a derogatory way. It’s trying to make me think our #ToxicCodependency was a bad thing.

ROBERT: Well the Plot is boring. Our #ToxicCodependency is what makes us great.

PLOTRON: *Fond Sigh* But then you had to go and have an exit Plot that forced you to divorce me and cut me off and I’m still mad about it.

ROBERT: Hey but I came back and now we get to have that sweet sweet angst with a happy ending story we do so damn well. I promised you the best life and that’s what we’re going to have now.

PLOTRON: Sure, I just had to date a bunch of inadequate men for the last 6 years to get here. Great. This is going to require a lot more groveling. Do you know how hard it was to pretend to care about Kayaks and Ugly Vans? #SaveMe #NotYouJohn

ROBERT: *Serious Mode Activated* And I know you also had to deal with a lot of other traumatic Plots while I’ve been away. Sorry about that. #RIPLiv

PLOTRON: *Repressed Grief Mode Activated* Oh really you’re going to play the #DeadSisterCard That’s still a sensitive subject. And like, you could have gotten in touch. I could have used some support since my mother drove me from the village on the day of her funeral to protect her affair secret from coming out.

ROBERT: I’m sorry Aaron but the Plot wouldn’t let me. Besides, that puts you in off screen Italy with Marco. Yes I Facebook stalked you two. You were hardly reachable.

PLOTRON: *I’d Rather Never Have You Back Than Lose You Again Mode Reactivated* Or maybe you just didn’t even care. Please say you don’t care so I can justify trying to hate you.

ROBERT: *Sad Face* I loved her too you know, when the Plot allowed it. Remember all of that off screen fun we had. #RIPLiv I would have been there for you if the Plot allowed. Honest.

PLOTRON: *Sad Face* Well that Plot was years ago so let’s just move on yeah.

ROBERT: *Pathetically (Affectionate) In Love With Aaron Mode Reactivated* If the Plot lets me, I’ll never leave your side again. I want it all back. Everything my Exit Plot took from us. I want to be #Robron again. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

PLOTRON: *Devastated heartbroken I want this so badly too Face* #LetMeHaveIt #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[The Mill of Unfortunate Design Choices with Fauxbert and Victim]

**Beige Wedding Photo Alert** #JumpScare

VICTIM: *Plot Holding a Gun to Her Head Mode Activated* You two are the real deal #TeamJohn #TeamFauxron

FAUXBERT: *Bitter Face* Yep I’m winning at marriage right now #SucksToBeYou

VICTIM: Okay so Aaron has a past Plot that was way way better than this one #TeamRobron But you’ve got past Plot too, remember your comatose fiancé? #RedFlag Anyway, I’m sure Aaron’s there with a Plot Gun to his head breaking up with Robert again even though he’s literally married to you. It really takes a lot for it to sink in you know, for both of them. #BlessThem

FAUXBERT: *Over It Face* That’s it, I’m taking control of this Plot again. I’m going to go see Robert myself. #RobertAnti

[Hotten Prison with Robert and Plotron]

PLOT: Only a few more minutes of visiting before I rip ##Robron away from you again.

ROBERT: *Pathetically (Affectionate) In Love With Aaron Mode Still Activated* I’m never going to be sorry I crashed your wedding. It was iconic.

PLOTRON: *I’d Rather Never Have You Back Than Lose You Again Mode Still Activated* What did you think was going to happen? *Fondly remembering the bridge kiss*

ROBERT: Well I thought we’d go off to the lay by where I proposed and reclaim it since Fauxbert tainted it. #Tresspassing

ROBERT AND PLOTRON: *Cheesy Cuteness Mode Activated* Where we proposed! #Dorks #Jinx

ROBERT: *Bitter Mode Activated* Instead Swirling took me back to prison. I preemptively invited him to our third wedding by the way. Might make him my best man. Anyway, pretty sure it was your worse half that snitched.

PLOTRON: Yeah…uh…that was me. #Guilty

ROBERT: *Shocked Face* What the hell Aaron? Did the Plot make you do it? #Betrayed

PLOTRON: Look the Plot did what it had to do, okay. If you were anywhere in my general vicinity, I would not have made it through that horrible beige wedding. I would have come after you again. That’s why you can’t come back.

ROBERT: *Shocked Face* What? Ever? I’m literally Mr Emmerdale. The village was named in honor of my grandmother. I belong there.

PLOTRON: You know me. I literally can’t stay away. If you’re around we’re going to have an affair, I will cave, Plot be damned. #Obsessed #TeamRobron #AreWeBackTogetherYet So the Plot needs you to forget me.

ROBERT: #IWouldDoAnythingForLoveButIWontDoThat

PLOTRON: Well you’re gonna have to try. If the Plot won’t let me have you, I can’t see you around every day. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ROBERT: For six years all any of us have wanted is for us to get back together #TeamRobron The Plot needs to get on board.

PLOTRON: *I’d Rather Never Have You Back Than Lose You Again Mode Reactivated* Look your Exit Plot forced me to move on and it doesn’t matter if all of it was boring without you, I have to see this Plot through now and I’m still Plot Dumb so like…I don’t know how long that’s going to last.

ROBERT: *Heartbroken Face* #PlotAnti But you kissed me! #BridgeOfDreams

PLOTRON: Do you love me? Please say no so that I can rationalize this Plot in my head.

ROBERT: Of course I love you, you idiot. #Forever

PLOTRON: Yeah then I’m gonna need you to forget that kiss ever happened. I know I could never but if you could just continue to keep your mouth shut so I can fulfill my Plot duties as a Stepford Husband to your brother that would great. He’s so much better for me than you. #LyingLiarWhoLies #IDontEvenBelieveThat #TeamRobron

ROBERT: *Smallest Loneliest Most Heartbroken Boy In The World Mode Activated* Fine I’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want. #Devastated

PLOTRON: *Heartbroken Face* I definitely don’t want this but apparently I have to. *Devastated Voice* Bye Robert #PlotAnti

Chapter Text

[Hotten Prison with Robert and Fauxbert]

ROBERT: *Bitchy Snark Mode Activated* I didn’t know you cared but thanks for showing up so I can make people care about you for the duration of our scene. #NoBrotherOfMine

[Keepers Cottage with Plotron and Victim]

PLOTRON: *Confused Face* You know your front door was half open. I thought that only happened when Robert and I were the most in love and couldn’t be bothered to close it. Weird that. #TeamRobron #LoveIsAnOpenDoor So you wanted words with me?

VICTIM: *Not Blind to Aaron’s Plot Face* Yeah, I know you went to see Robert.

PLOTRON: No…no I didn’t. Who told you that? #LyingLiarWhoLies

VICTIM: Uhh John because he knows you’re a #LyingLiarWhoLies

PLOTRON: *Oh Fuck Face* Damn I’m going to have to go fix that. How did the Plot let this happen? Wait..is this part of the Plot? Is this what I’m Blind to? Damn. #PlotAnti

VICTIM: Actually he’s out…and you’re not going to like where. #EveryoneHasAVisitngOrder

[Hotten Prison with Robert and Fauxbert]

ROBERT: *Bitchy Snark Mode Still Activated* Aaron know you’re here?

FAUXBERT: No

ROBERT: Lying to him already. He doesn’t like that. #SpeakingFromExperience Do you want to know what me and him talked about? *Leans in* Tough! You don’t get to be privy to the deep lore of the greatest love story the world has ever seen. #Smugden

FAUXBERT: *Almost showing a slight emotion Face* Sorry me being married causes you so much pain. #SmugdenFail

ROBERT: Well that’s a #RedFlag #Meglomaniac

FAUXBERT: I’m just here as your brother. #Family

ROBERT: Funny that. I’ve only got one brother. The fact that I’m using Andy to score points against you is really saying something because I’ve barely considered him a Sugden most of my life which makes you…even less of one. #UnwantedRunt

FAUXBERT: *So close to showing an emotion Face*

[Keepers Cottage with Plotron and Victim]

PLOTRON: You’re a constant agent of the Plot, why didn’t you stop him going? #PlotAnti

VICTIM: Don’t victim blame me. Besides, we’re both Plot victims here. In any case, I hope they do thrash it out in there. I think the fans would enjoy that. Plus you know…they are already in a prison. #ThugdenSmackdown Do you want tea?

PLOTRON: No, no tea for me. I’m too busy spiraling.

VICTIM: You know, now that John’s gone behind your back too, you’re kind of even and that’s definitely a healthy foundation for a relationship. #CoupleGoals

PLOTRON: Yeah our relationship is so solid. Now I’m going to have to grovel to him about this. #PlotAnti

VICTIM: Well there’s nothing else you’re keeping from him that Robert might be able to tell him right?

PLOTRON: *Thinking about the bridge kiss* Er…umm..no…course not. Actually give me that tea. I need to douse the flames of my Robert obsession #AreWeBackTogetherYet *Drinks tea* *This tea is bad Face* But it did the trick. Phew. Back to business as usual. Robert and I are over. I made that clear. #BreakUpNumber9384

VICTIM: *Skeptical Face* Clear clear? Cause I know how you two are. It takes a lot of break ups for you to really get the message. And you have six years to make up for. I don’t think 2 times is going to do it. #Inevitable

PLOTRON: *You’re right we’re hopeless Face* Short of getting “I Love John” tattooed on my forehead, yeah. Not that that would even work. Robert would still keep loving me. #Soulmates

VICTIM: *Half relieved Face* Well good that’s you sorted…I don’t know if John will be as easy. #RedFlag #PlotVictim

[Hotten Prison with Robert and Fauxbert]

ROBERT: So if you’ve come looking for family, you can look elsewhere. Not in the market for anymore brothers. #BrotherAnti

FAUXBERT: *Showing a facial expression ALERT* Seems I missed out on the perfect childhood. The Plot hasn’t told me yet if that’s really a part of why I am the way I am though so…take that as you will. #PlotVictim

ROBERT: *War Flashbacks to his childhood* You wouldn’t have fit in…but also maybe having a true psycho in the family would have made me less of a disappointment. But maybe I can still benefit from that in the future.

FAUXBERT: I guess your time in here has given you plenty of time to think…

ROBERT: Yeah…about Aaron…but anyway…not for much longer. #Freedom

FAUXBERT: *Creepy Smile Face* #GoBackToShowingNoEmotionPlease Life is good on the outside. You know what I love the most…hearing little Harry call me Uncle. Yep, in the hospital right after I accidentally poisoned him. #Oopsies But at least he knows me. He won’t even know you.

ROBERT: *Who the fuck does this guy think he is Face* Hey you just showed up like last week, he doesn’t know you either, mate! Besides, I’ve sent money and cards and gifts. #BestPrisonUncle

FAUXBERT: Ah yes, the football for his birthday. We had a good kick about, us and *creepy voice* Aaron. #FuckOff

ROBERT: (For the purposes of this comeback, I’m forgoing any memory of the entire football plot we had in 2019.) Aaron hates football! #IMissSeeingHimInShorts

FAUXBERT: He put up with it for me though cause we’re a #Team We’re #Unbreakable

ROBERT: *Incredulous Face* *Laughs* Oh is that right? Bet I could still beat you in a pub quiz. #TeamAaronAndRobert

FAUXBERT: *Creepy Voice* He knows I’ll always be there for him unlike his last husband.

ROBERT: *Thugden Mode Activated* Alright that’s it I’m ready to throw down. Let’s fucking go! #PlotBeDamned

FAUXBERT: *Creepy Calm Voice* Robert…mate…I get why you can’t accept that it’s over. No really, I’ve been watching your playlists on YouTube and I understand it’s literally impossible for you and I’m screwed. But…Aaron is perfect for me. He has so many issues for me to exploit and get him to hero worship me. #CoupleGoals

ROBERT: *Fearing for Aaron’s life Face* Like you really know him? Here’s a test…what would you buy him for his birthday? That god rid of the last boyfriend I had to compete with. #TheRightKindOfAaronStan

FAUXBERT: *Creepy Voice* I know every inch of him. #RedFlag What he enjoys, thinks, feels, who he likes, who he dislikes. #SoManyRedFlags

ROBERT: *This is my moment Face* Who he gets off with? #UnoReverse

FAUXBERT: *Caught off guard Face* What? #SmugdenFail

ROBERT: *True Smugden Face* Have I put my foot in it? #CheckMate

[Keepers Cottage with Plotron and Victim]

VICTIM: Butties? No? You know what? I don’t want them either. I just needed something to do with my hands in this scene. I hate this. How did the Plot put me in this position where both of my brothers fell for the same guy? #PlotAnti

PLOTRON: Unlucky. But also…you’re one to talk or did you forget you were my first?

VICTIM: We don’t acknowledge that okay! Anyway, it’s just sad that the Plot keeps taking away my chance at a happy close family. At least your hypocritical lot eventually all come back together. #DingleAnti

PLOTRON: #Rude

VICTIM: And it’s not like Robert’s ever going to stop loving you… #RobronForever

PLOTRON: *Don’t I know it…but also I love it Face* Oh for god’s sake Vic! Whose side are you on?

VICTIM: You know it’s so hard to tell. The Plot makes me so wishy washy. I could literally go any which way at any given moment. Right now, I think I’m on your side. #TeamAaron

PLOTRON: Great, well can you help me convince John that I want to be with him. I’m having a really hard time with it. That might be because I keep thinking about Robert and going to see him and kissing him on bridges but like…if I lose John then you will too and right now I think the Plot probably wants you not to. God it’s so hard to keep up. #UnfortunatelyTeamJohn #SecretlyTeamRobert

[Hotten Prison with Robert and Fauxbert]

ROBERT: *Full Smugden Mode Still Activated* #Manicure #NotACareIntheWorld

FAUXBERT: *Psychosis bubbling to the surface Face* When?

ROBERT: Obvious isn’t it? I mean unless we were having sex across this table in full view of the guards and everyone else, it kind of had to be your wedding. Duh Du Duh Duh…Duh Du Duh Duh. #ReinYourCheatingHusbandIn

FAUXBERT: I don’t believe you.

ROBERT: Good idea, ignorance is bliss. Bet Aaron knows all about that considering how Plot Blind he is for you.

FAUXBERT: *Psychosis Seething* How far did it go? #DeadAndBuried

ROBERT: *Wistful Face* He’s such a good kisser, I’d almost forgot. That’s a lie. I’ve remembered every single one of our kisses and have been reliving them vividly for 6 years.

FAUXBERT: *Psychosis Begging for Release* I know what you’re trying to do.

ROBERT: Yeah and it’s working. #Mastermind

FAUXBERT: If he kissed you, it was definitely out of pity.

ROBERT: Or a sign of things to come. #Inevitable #Affair2.0

FAUXBERT: *Psychosis Banging at the Door* You’re a sad man. #Projecting If you throw yourself at Aaron he might feel pressured-

ROBERT: *He doesn’t know Aaron at all Face* Pressured? In that moment…you didn’t exist. We were in full fan fic bliss. He had me sent back here because he couldn’t trust himself. Sorry mate, honeymoon is over.

FAUXBERT: *Psychosis Screaming*

[The Mill of Unfortunate Design Choices with Plotron]

**Beige Wedding Photos ALERT**

PLOTRON: John will you please just call me back? I’m trying to get our Plot back under way. We’ve both been to see Robert so that makes us even. #CoupleGoals I love you #LyingLiarWhoLies

*Goes to put beige wedding photo in wallet and pulls out the photo he’s been keeping in there of him and Liv and oh wait…Robert* - for the fans

*Rips Robert’s side off and bins it* #LyingLiarWhoLies #StillCarriedItFor6YearsThough #WhoAreYouFooling #HisFaceIsStillInTact #GetTheTape

[Hotten Prison with Robert and Fauxbert]

FAUXBERT: *Release the Psycho* I want to smash your face in but unfortunately there are guards. But there won’t be when you get out. #Unhinged

ROBERT: I’d like to say I’m frightened but…I’ve been operating under the impression that you’re just a joke here…

FAUXBERT: *Full Psycho Mode Activated* You have no idea what I’m capable of.

ROBERT: *Laughs* Wait…oh…you’re like fully psycho. Oh…this is good for me. I didn’t know I could receive gifts from the Plot. #TellMeYourSecret Are you just trying to steal my life?

FAUXBERT: Not this again. I have more heroic things to do than that. #ICanBeYourHeroBaby

ROBERT: *Scheming Face* You’re weird. Like…seriously odd. #GiveMeANormalBrotherChallenge

FAUXBERT: *Menacing Face* If I wanted your life, I really could take it. I’ve got a murder van and everything. #AllTheRedFlags

ROBERT: What? Face transplant? Steal my underwear? Actually no don’t do that, Aaron did that when he went to prison and it was cute. Don’t taint that.

FAUXBERT: You need to be careful. #DiggingMyOwnGrave

ROBERT: *Scheming Face* Before this little chat, I was willing to leave Aaron alone. Let him go, move on. But now I just want to expose you for the psycho you are so well done Johnny boy. Now I don’t want you anywhere near Aaron. #Hero(Affectionate)

FAUXBERT: Good thing you don’t get a say. #Delusional

ROBERT: Oh we both know that I do. Aaron and I are #ToxicallyCodependent and we always will be. You’re just #Toxic Aaron and I have a spark, something you wouldn’t know anything about you bland, boring weirdo. He may keep saying your his future now but that’s just the Plot talking. I know I’m going to be his real future.

FAUXBERT: *Psycho Face* Stay away! #Desperate

ROBERT: *Amused Face* Or what? You’ll eat my liver? #ComebackKing *Raises Arm for the Guards* #ExitStrategy I’m coming back…and I’m going to make sure Aaron sees what a messed up freak you really are. #Smugden  See you soon - for the fans

FAUXBERT: *This did not go as planned Face* #TimeToSpiralJohnnyBoy

Chapter Text

[Keepers Cottage with Victoria, Fauxbert and Robert]

FAUXBERT: *Creepy Unnecessarily Overprotective Big Brother Mode Activated* Hey Vic. You look terrible. Have you gotten rid of our brother yet so that my marriage can be saved? Yes, it’s all about me. But you’ve got to be careful about all these violent psychos about-

VICTORIA: **Plot Victim Mode Temporarily Suspended** Hey, leave Robert alone. He’s got #Trauma and I’m going to support him. If you were the big hero you claim to be you’d want to do so too. Stop being such a #Problem

FAUXBERT: I am a hero thank you. To show you how much, let me get you some cream for that bruising. I mean he could have blinded you! #OverreactionAlert What about next time?! I hope there’s a next time so I can have a chance to save you. I haven’t gotten to do that yet.

ROBERT: Uh there won’t be a next time. I’m sure this was just a single Plot point to show how damaged I am. I mean…we’re talking therapy here and I agreed. #Growth

FAUXBERT: No there won’t be a next time because you’re packing your bags and leaving so that my marriage can be saved! #CoupleGoals #DeadInTheWater

ROBERT: I think you’ll find that’s my sister’s decision. She’s just been allowed by the Plot to care about me. I don’t think that will be revoked yet. So…suck it little brother. #TakingTheWin

VICTORIA: Yeah John, you’re just insecure because your marriage is already crumbling. But the Plot made Aaron choose you. Don’t you turn around and make me choose cause I’m firmly #TeamRobert today. He needs our help!#ILoveNotBeingAPlotVictim

FAUXBERT: Help? #LetMeBeYourHero Vic, if you ever feel unsafe you just call me and I’ll be there. #ICanBeYourHeroBaby

VICTORIA: *Eyeroll* *I Hate His Unnecessarily Overprotective Big Brother Mode Today Face*

ROBERT: *Who The Fuck Does This Guy Think He Is Face* #RedFlag

[The Shop with Robert and Plotron]

ROBERT: *Caught off guard by the presence of my soulmate Face* Oh…hey. I wondered if the Plot was keeping us apart on purpose. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

PLOTRON: *Restrained by the Plot Mode Activated* Hey I heard about your Plot with Vic the other day. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ROBERT: Oh yeah, I bet John couldn’t wait to fill you in on that. #RedFlag

PLOTRON: The Plot wants me to believe that it’s because he’s worried about her but I feel like this is my Plot Blindness flaring up again. Sorry. #PlotVictim #PlotAnti But what happened? #LetMeBeConcerned

ROBERT: The Plot is finally letting me have a PTSD story now that it sent me to prison for 6 years. Isn’t that great? I mean not great for Vic cause she’s got a black eye but you know what it’s like. You had a prison Plot. #SearchingForConnection

PLOTRON: *Yes I do but I’m not allowed to really show you yet Face* I do get it Robert. I wish I could show it more but I’m not allowed to. Is Vic okay?

ROBERT: I feel awful about it but she says it doesn’t hurt.

PLOTRON: *Soft Robert Voice* And what about you? Are you okay? #ForTheFans

ROBERT: *Still getting used to this whole emotionally vulnerable thing Face* No, I’m really not.

PLOTRON: *God I wish I could hug you or something but the Plot has me in a straightjacket Face*

ROBERT: *Robert puts his foot in it…Shocker Mode Activated* I think it would really help for me to talk to someone who has also had a PTSD prison Plot. #AreWeBackTogetherYet #WannaBeMyTherapist

PLOTRON: So…me?

ROBERT: Well you do still know me better than anyone else. The Plot has made sure of that over the years.

PLOTRON: See I would like to, love to be that person for you but for one thing, the Plot won’t let me and also if I let this emotionally vulnerable version of you back in at all, I will cave. And if I cave and I lose you again, I’ll literally die this time. So until the Plot lets learn to accept that risk again, this can’t be happening. I really wish you wouldn’t even bring it up because now I have to be mean to you and I hate being mean to you.

ROBERT: But I’m really struggling here. The Plot has given me all these new traumas to deal with and now it’s taking my support system too? #PlotAnti

PLOTRON: Don’t say that. I can’t hear that because now I’m gonna hate being mean to you even more. But Plot needs must. Now I have to break up with you again and tell you to leave the village you’ve lived in since before I was even born. Will that hurt you enough? #PlotAnti #PlotVictim

ROBERT: Yeah that’ll twist the knife good. #Wounded I think I’m going to have to go have a random hook up to manage my pain and make you jealous now that the Plot has made you reject me so thoroughly again.

PLOTRON: Oh great, I’ll start working on my *I don’t care about seeing my soulmate with someone else Face* now shall I?

ROBERT: Perfect. The Hide later? #AreWeBackTogetherYet

PLOTRON: See you there? #AreWeBackTogetherYet

[The Hide with Victoria, Robert, Not!Aaron, Plotron and Fauxbert]

VICTORIA: *Protective Sister Mode Activated* I’ve been looking up therapists for you. I’m so glad the Plot has decided you can get therapy. #PlotFan

ROBERT: *I’m Broke Face* Well the Plot also saw fit to take all of my money away so now I’m poor and can’t afford it. #IMissMoney #NotMoreThanIMissAaron

VICTORIA: I can help. The Plot lets me have some money.

ROBERT: No, Vic. I have to be stubborn and do this on my own. Plus I can’t risk the Plot making you turn on me again. I like having my sister back. #SiblingGoals

VICTORIA: Me too. The Plot finally remembered that I love you. #SiblingGoals

ROBERT: Oh hey look it’s my date, Not!Aaron. #SluttySummer

VICTORIA: Is that a good idea? #MotherHen

ROBERT: It’s the best idea I’ve come up with to make Aaron jealous and move this Plot along. #AreWeBackTogetherYet

**Awkward 6 years out of practice flirting Alert**

FAUXBERT: Hey Aaron, my creepy murder van has a flat, the Plot would like you to come here and fix it for #Reasons #UnwittingPlotAgent

**Awkward 6 years out of practice flirting Alert**

FAUXBERT: *Is that what Aaron and I look like together Face* #NoChemistry

**Awkward 6 years out of practice flirting Alert**

VICTORIA: *Protective Sister Mode* Just checking in to see if you’re doing all right on your random hook up with this Not!Aaron person, Robert. I’m not worried at all I promise. #WhatIsThePlotUpTo

**Awkward 6 years out of practice flirting Alert**

NOT!AARON: We could take this back to mine?

***ROBERT ON A DATE PLOT SIREN CALL***

**PLOTRON APPEARS**

ROBERT: *Aaron’s watching Face* *Time to kiss this tall Not!Aaron person*  #HandsyKiss #RobronReunionPractice

PLOTRON: *Not bothered by this at all Face* That’s tragic. The Plot really thought this would make me jealous? Hey John let me tell you how not bothered by this I am by pointing out that I told Robert to leave again because he tried to have an emotional conversation with me and I was two seconds away from having my way with him right there in the shop but the Plot had to go and intervene.

**PLOTRON LEAVES**

PLOTRON: *Keeping my head held high so he can’t tell that I hate every second of this Face* #AreWeBackTogetherYet

ROBERT: *Well that plan failed Face*

NOT!AARON: So…ready to go? #ReadTheRoomMate #TheresBeenAHeartbreak

ROBERT: *I only want to be faithful to Aaron even when it doesn’t count Face* Actually no. It’s not you, it’s me. I promise. The Plot led me to believe that I could make my soulmate jealous by kissing you but that plan backfired and now I have no use for you. Thanks anyway, I’ll pay. #AtLeastIHavePlotMoneyForDates

NOT!AARON: *Serial Date Rapist Face* Let me just use my handy pocket roofie the Plot supplied. *drugs Robert’s beer*

FAUXBERT: *Creepy Van Lurking Alert* *How can I use this to my advantage Face* #HoldingOutForAHero

***Time passes enough for Robert to be unconscious***

NOT!AARON: *Carries unconscious Robert to his own murder van* #EveryoneGetsAMurderVan

FAUXBERT: *I’m a hero Face* Hey! I didn’t stop you from drugging him cause I wanted him unconscious but I’m here to do the absolute bare minimum here and stop you from date raping him. #BrotherBrowniePoints #TheBarIsSoLowItsInHell #NotAHero

NOT!AARON: I don’t know what you’re on about mate. #ThePlotMadeMeDoIt

FAUXBERT: Look I literally don’t care about you, so I’m going to let you go and continue your date raping ways because I like your taste in murder vans. #VanLife

**NOT!AARON LEAVES**

FAUXBERT: *Puts Unconscious Robert into his own murder van* #VillainMonologue

BILLY: Hey…the Plot wanted me to interrupt you. #NotPartOfThisPlot

FAUXBERT: *How dare you interrupt my villain monologuing Face*