Chapter Text
Yet another day at I.M.P... And a meeting with my colleagues and employers... I looked at my reflection in the Mtn Dew bottle on me... Yet again, nothing special to look at.
Oh... Here comes the boss...
"Alright, now I know business has been a bit... slow lately, yes, it's no one's fault kay I'm not naming any names here- Moxxie -Now does anyone have ANY bright ideas on how we can get business drumming up again?"
"What about, a car wash?"
"This is Hell Millie, nobody cares about what their cars look like outside of the Overlords and trust me when I say Overlords ain't gonna hire us," I groaned.
"What about a Billboard?"
"We can't afford a billboard, sir," Moxxie groaned
"Helpful, Moxxie, really glad you're in the room right now- Have you guys forgotten what service we provide?!"
He then turned on the TV showcasing our assassination business with some of our best kills, mine being a garrote wire to someone's neck followed up by me leaning into my Italian roots saying, "You break-a my heart peasant. You a break-a my heart."
"Those were the good times."
"I don't need any reminding sir considering you blew most of our salaries on an obnoxious TV ad last week, one that you then additionally paid to have run for a full three hours on a channel nobody watches,"
"Moxxie, there's a channel for everyone. Someone's libel to catch it if they're that board enough." I pointed out.
"And yet you're the one who has to write everything for him considering his writing skills are... special to put it-"
"You mean retarded?" I groaned, interrupting Moxxie.
"DON'T-"
"I don't give a dick," I interrupted him again before saying under my breath, "I've quit better jobs than this."
"And excuse me? What's so obnoxious about a super fun jingle? It's a fun distraction when an advertisement's spitting bullshit,"
"People love musical's sir,"
"Beg your pardon?" I went looking at Millie like she lost her mind, "How did we get from Point A to Point X? I feel like we skipped twenty-two destinations somewhere."
"Exactly Millie, and we're basically doing a musical. Are you gonna crush my musical theater dreams like my dad did?"
"I am so confused, how the hell did we get here?" I groaned, holding my head as I did some calculations on my phone.
"Cause right now, all I see is my dad's asshole talking to me, crushing my dreams of being who I truly am inside,"
"THE, NUMBERS, DON'T, ADD, UP!!!" I panicked scribbling formulas and equations on pieces of paper and a chalkboard behind me simultaneously.
"Are you trying to crush his dreams Moxxie?"
"I- What?"
"I thought I knew you~"
"I can't believe you Moxxie, after I made you employee of the month!"
"That's Tivon!" Moxxie groaned in annoyance, pointing out my picture of me giving off a creepy and sinister smile that would make even a one of the Sins get goosebumps while holding a bloodied bat was in the picture frame.
"Oh..."
"I give up..." I groaned, falling backwards with my chair onto the floor, "Ow..."
"Look, sir, a commercial jingle is not comparable to musical theater. Nobody actually likes the jingles,"
"I liked it."
"Do not... Do not agree with him in front of me."
(IMP Jingle, only difference is I'm managing the book: LINK)
"I'd like to go on record and say that incident was Luna's fault," Moxxie stated, "Dispatch is supposed to give us the RIGHT info on the target. It's very simple."
"Oh, sit on a dick Moxxie,"
"YOU sit- sit on.. a... and the... D... DO YOUR JOB!"
I facepalmed and groaned at what Moxxie said.
"Hey, now we don't blame our screwups on Loona okay? She didn't do anything wrong,"
"Are you kidding me sir? She's awful."
The phone was ringing...
"Hello... I.M.P."
"Loona, I got stabbed! Call Moxxie-"
And she hung up
"Happy adoption anniversary Loonie! I got you a little something~" Blitzø smiled as he handed Loona a gift.
"Is it a cure for syphilis?"
"I... oh..."
"Then I don't want it!" Loona yelled slamming the gift down only to get swarmed by spiders
"I'm sorry! It was spiders!" Blitzø said outside the window.
"God damn it..."
"Um... Excuse me? Did you just fax me an ad for weight loss?" Moxxie asked.
"No."
"What- Why would anyone send me this?"
"Come on, you know why."
"Loona," I scolded, "He's a fucking twig. If anything, that was me at one point in my life... Wait... Do I still have it?!" I panicked, "MIRROR!!!!" I called out running for the nearest mirror and scale.
"Whoever left the, fucking, avocado salad and in the fridge I'm taking it because I have the worst hangover right now."
"Why would you drink on a work night?" Millie asked.
"I'm hungover from this morning dumbass,"
"MY FRESHAVACADO!!!" I cried out in despair, falling to my knees upon entering the kitchen and seeing the sight before me.
"You know what?! I can't take this assault right now! I need to blow off some fucking steam!"
Loona then ran outside and kicked a baby carriage so hard it was sent flying.
"Blitz, that clingy rich asshole is on the phone, says it's urgent, wants to talk to you. Sounds a little DTFy."
"Oh, GOD it was one time! If I hadn't slept with that privileged asshole none of us would have access to the living world,"
"Ti chiedo scusa?" I went, eating a spinach sanwhich.
Blitzø snuck away with a book in tow while Stolas slept soundly.
"Got the book~ Got this fuckin' heavy book~" Blitzø sung to himself as he snuck away.
Though trying to get away had some... difficulties resulting in him landing in the middle of his wife's get together with other nobility.
"Sorry, I fucked your husband,"
"BLITZ!"
"I heard you alrea- Sooo what can I do ya for this time Stolas?"
"There's a political candidate causing trouble up on Earth for a few of my associates, he's trying to convince people global warming exists,"
"Doesn't it?"
"Well, yes, but more people die if nothing's done about it, and it gets lonely here,"
"Okay, yeah, that makes sense."
"You know what happens when I'm lonely Blitzy,"
"Oh, god fucking damn it..."
"When I'm lonely, I become hungry, and when I'm hungry I want to choke on that red DICK of yours! Toss your salad and lick all of your shit before taking out your teeth and filling it with more teeth until you're screaming peepee poopoo like a fucking bab-"
Blitzø immediately ended the call, tore the phone in half, smashed it with his phone, and then blended it.
"Eat this," Blitzø said as he gave the liquified phone to Loona who drank it, "And then you know that bridge over the freeway?"
"Yeah?"
"Shit off it,"
"Look, the point is, Loona is a valued member of our family and we don't get rid of family,"
"We AREN'T a family sir! You are the boss! We are the employees! You treat her like she's some troubled teenager, she's more like a meth addicted homeless woman you let run the phones!" Moxxie said earning a middle finger from Loona.
"That is offensive, without homeless people I wouldn't have half the joy and laughter I do in this life,"
"While we're on the subject of family, can you stop finding me and Millie outside of work?"
"Come on sweetie, It's not that big a deal,"
"Excuse me, WHAT?!?!"
"Honey? Can you get me the butter?"
"Sure sweetie," Millie smiled.
"Spoiler alert, the butter's spoiled," Blitzø said causing Millie to giggle.
"Really impressive word play,"
"What the?! WHY ARE YOU IN OUR FRIDGE?!"
Moxxie was sleeping until he heard the sound of purring waking him up to reveal Blitzø overlooking him.
"What'cha dreamin' about?" Blitzø asked.
"I was dreaming my parents were being murdered. But now? I'd like to go back to that..."
"Of all the imps in Hell~"
"It's for him/her that I fell~"
"Oh Millie~"
CLICK!
"ARE YOU FUCKING FILMING US RIGHT NOW?!?!"
"Just, stop, doing that!"
"I don't see what the issue is, there something you don't want me seein'?"
"No!"
"You a baby wiener haver?" Blitzø suggested causing Loona to giggle.
"Sir, what you say and how you act is totally, INAPPROPRIATE!"
"Calm down Mox, you're gonna have another panic attack!"
"I AM CALM!"
"Sure, you are," I sarcastically groaned as Millie tried calming him down.
"Look, I don't judge the boring couple stuff you do outside of work hours so don't, judge, me,"
"OH, I do judge you sir! Quite a lot actually!"
"Mox! He's our boss!"
"No, no, no! It's fine Mills your husband is just... How do I say this without being offensive? Retarded."
"That's me," I replied, "I'm the official retard here. I'm the only one among us actually confirmed to be on the spectrum."
"Yeah, that certainly explains how you got the book back to Stolas that one time without getting caught," Blitzø agreed.
"Sure," I slightly giggled in worry.
Oh, dear god that day...
"Of course, the prince needed it back for an emergency," I groaned in annoyance, carrying the book in my backpack as I approached the gate.
"Hold it right there!" The guards called out pointing their spears at me.
"I don't have time for this!" I growled as I continued to walk towards them.
My right eye glowed as the X'd out circle brightened and knocked out the guards with no effort. The glow died down and I started walking through the gate. And I mean literally THROUGH the gate towards the spot where Stolas's room was, according to Blitzø. Seeing the balcony I formed a black tendril out of my back and started climbing up the wall onto the balcony where I then entered his room. Damn it's dark.
"Stolas? I have your book," I called out as I walked towards the bed, "I know I'm not the imp who got it last time, but he was too busy to make it."
Suddenly the door to the balcony closed and light illuminated the room revealing a white bird.
"Are you Stolas?" I asked, shaking a bit but standing my ground.
"No. But you're going to wish it was him when I'm done with you!" She growled as she readied an attack.
"Wrong there, bastich!" I growled as I activated my eye.
"AAUUGHH!!! MY HEAD! GAAUGGH! THE PAAAIN!!!!" she cried out as she held her head, falling to her knees and then side.
"Lesson number one, bastich!" I boasted as I went up to her, "Never assume you have the upper hand!"
I was then thrown off balance when she kicked me with a leg and causing me to disable my eye long enough for her to recover and tackle me to the ground.
"Lesson number two, welp!" she growled, "Never assume your opponent's helpless!"
I then rolled with her and kicked her away, falling back onto the wall where we faced each other with contempt.
"I know what Blitzø has done! I know you hate him for it! Guess what? I don't like this as much as you do!" I said as we got to our knees and stared each other down, "He doesn't realize how easy it could be for everything to go wrong using that book!"
"At least SOMEONE there's smart enough to realize it," she scoffed.
"I KNOW, RIGHT?!" I groaned, "I've already given that moron a lecture about why it's a bad idea and all the consequences using it could result in, but NOOO, he insists it's the only way! Mother fucker, I HAVE CONNECTIONS RUNNING AS FAR AS TO ASMODEUS HIMSEL! I COULD GET HIM AN ASMODEAN CRYSTAL AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS SHIT! I'VE TOLD HIM THIS OVER ONE HUNDRED TIMES BUT HE JUST WON'T LISTEN!!!" I took a minute to collect my breath before adding, "I swear, that imp has the collective IQ of a Chia Pet!"
"What even are you?! No Imp possesses such power!"
"Me? I'm no mere Imp."
My original human form flashed with a sudden flash of lightning as a storm reached surprising the Goetia.
"And I ain't no sinner or Overlord either. I am... WAS... human. Then I was killed by a being known only as 'The Operator' a creature neither of Hell OR Heaven origin. This THING was from another plane of existence all together with abilities and powers beyond any known comprehension. A creature with the ability to turn you into a different person all together from who you were, elevate your worst traits, and/or make you into its obedient slave by making you PART of it. LITTERALLY. An entity that aggressively stalks its victims into irreversible psychosis for long periods of time until the subject is ripe for murder. An entity that can erase memories from your own brain through any form of contact... You might've even seen it at some point... but don't even remember it. An entity that embodies no hope. No escape. Only death. And now? Here I am reborn as an Imp with these fucking powers connected to that FUCKING OPERATOR!!! Figured I'd get an eternal scar from that asshole. Its one last fuck you after killing me."
The Goetia then got a sinister look on her face,
"I... may have been a bit brash, trying to hurt you," she said, raising her arms, "Why don't we talk this out, like civil minded people?"
"Finally," I groaned as we got up at the same time, "What is it?"
"I want to propose a deal,"
"A deal? What kind?"
"Here's what I'm proposing~"
"Does immaturely insulting me make you feel better about your sad, single, life?" Moxxie challenged.
"Actually, it does,"
"The only reason you have a wife is because you're easy to manage!" Loona interjected.
"No, he's not you BITCH!"
"Do NOT talk to my receptionist that way! She's sensitive!"
"Yes, I am!"
"Hey, come on now, let's not all start shooting each other!" I scolded
"You guys are all fucking assholes,"
ARE YOU SHITTING ME RIGHT NOW?! HOW IS THAT KID STILL ALIVE?! I thought.
"Oh, shut up kid, you're lucky to witness this," Blitzø commented.
"This company is such a mess..." Moxxie groaned.
"You said it..." I agreed.
"Alright, let's get back to talking about my outfit,"
"Nobody was talking about that," Loona said.
"Which is why I'm trying to get that ball rolling, so how does it look? It's good right?"
"It's been literal Hell having to pretend to be paralyzed so you fuck shits wouldn't kill me, but now I want that, I want death."
The kid then started listing everything wrong with us, starting with Blitzø, then Moxxie, Millie, Loona, then...
"What?" I scoffed, looking at him.
"You. There is SO much wrong with you, I don't even know where to begin! You're so lost you don't know where you're even going with your life! You probably wouldn't even know where your own allegiance was if the cards were played, and you were forced to choose between your so-called friends and a false promise by a false shepherd!"
"Whatever," I groaned, going back to my phone.
"Wait... you're not even gonna fight it?"
"Hey, when someone's right, someone's right," I shrugged, "No need to deny the truth."
Blitzø and the others were in quick agreement that the kid was a piece of shit and then Luna told us he was the target. I had the biggest smile on my face when Blitzø shot the kid. And then...
"I got a phone call guys, beat on the kid without me," I said as I left the office and rushed to the elevator where I answered the phone, "Ha chiamato signora?"
"Sai perché ti sto chiamando."
"Di cosa hai bisogno Stella?" I responded as I got to the bottom floor and started walking out the building.
"È ora che tu venga da te." she said, "Ti ricordi il nostro accordo, vero? Resto zitto, zitto, riguardo al libro di Stolas che viene utilizzato dalla tua compagnia, in cambio abbiamo una notte tutta per noi."
"Sì, sì, sì..." I groaned as I got in my car, "Tu ed io condividiamo una notte di passione, tu stai zitto, io resto zitto e, onestamente, odio il fatto che stia iniziando a piacermi." I said as I pulled out of the parking lot and onto the driveway, "È normale sentire una sensazione di formicolio quando mi sussurri all'orecchio?"
Stella smiled evily as she closed a book on "Hypnosis Through Lovemaking" while wearing just a robe as she was alone in the bedroom.
"Assolutamente." she smiled, "Significa solo che ti senti molto piacevole~"
"Beh, se lo dici tu, mi sto avvicinando al palazzo, ci vediamo tra un po'. Arrivederci."
"Arrivederci~" Stella purred as she hung up and out the book away, "You fool. For all your smarts you've not realized session by session you're becoming mine!"
Stella then heard the car pull up and smiled evily again.
"You think you're going to fix me? Wrong. I'm going to make you worse!"