Chapter Text
In the quiet, dusty corner of the Hogwarts library, a young man with messy black hair sat hunched over an ancient tome. His toad green eyes darted back and forth over the pages, absorbing every word as if his life depended on it.
And it did, obviously, because this was no ordinary young man. This was Harry Potter, the famous Boy Who Lived, known for his bravery and his scar. His life was endangered every other day at his magical institute of learning.
But there was something else about Harry that very few people knew.
Harry Potter had a secret. — A secret so profound it could make even the bravest Gryffindor blush.
He was in love. It was the truest kind of love. A once-in-a-lifetime kind of true love.
His girlfriend’s name was Susan. Susan Boner. Susan had red hair. Like a Weasley except she wasn’t a Weasley. She was the Ancient and Noble Heir of the Ancient and Noble Bones House.
Harry was going on a date with his secret girlfriend Susan today in fact. It was going to be really cute and special. Because their love was really cute and special. And awesome.
Susan was the girl who had captured his heart and made him feel alive in a way that battling dark wizards never could. Her fiery red hair and infectious laugh had been the bright spot in his otherwise dreary existence.
Harry Potter was so tired of having the kind of life full of chasing dark wizards and worrying about evil magical artifacts trying to murder him… It was just not his kind of life. He wanted freedom. Dumbledore expected too much of him and he could not take it anymore… He didn’t want to die.
Harry just wanted freedom to live a cute and happy life with his cute girlfriend. And have babies. But not with his girlfriend— her bosoms were too small.
Harry liked the big stuff. The big stuff was the good stuff.
But Harry had another secret. He had a second girlfriend who was really mean. She was an ice queen. Her name is Daphne Greengrass.
Daphne had red hair also like a Weasley but different. It was maybe better. Because she had a cute handband in her hair and wore really cute skirts like Pansy (his secret crush). Daphne’s bosoms were also too small.
It was very disappointing to Harry. He didn’t like that.
But maybe both his girlfriends would grow big and cute one day. Harrry could only hope so.
But anyways, back to the matter at hand, Harry and Susan had rather a blossoming romance that had been kept hidden from the prying eyes of Hogwarts for years ever since their third year. (Daphne didn’t know. She’s an Ice Queen, okay.)
Today, Harry was particularly eager to escape the prying eyes of his peers and the ever-watchful gaze of Dumbledore. Today Harry and Susan was in their sixth year, and so they decided to sneak off to Hogsmeade for a day of fun and mischief. Lots of fun fun fun in the sun!
The sun was shining brightly as they strolled down the cobblestone streets, hand in hand. They visited Honeydukes and loaded up on sweets, giggling as they shared a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. It was really cute because Harry kept eating the green jellybeans to find the lime flavored jelly beans but he only found the vomit flavored jelly beans. They tasted like Dudley’s old underwear. Very stinky and gross. It gave Harry the Ick.
No one likes the Ick. Except maybe Lavender Brown because she was currently dating Ron Weasley. Weird.
Their next stop was The Three Broomsticks for a couple of butterbeers. They found a cozy corner and settled in, enjoying each other's company away from the chaos of school life.
As they were about to leave, Harry spotted a familiar face entering the pub. It was Percy Weasley, of all people! He was sneaking in with a rather shy-looking woman with reddish-brown hair.
Susan nudged Harry and whispered, "Isn't that Percy? And who's that with him?"
Harry squinted. “Girl that booty is so thick!”, Harry chuckled in amusement.
Susan glared at Harry. “Excuse me, Harry James Potter?”
Harry shrugged and let out a hearty laugh as he gave Susan a spanking on her bottom too so that she would not feel left out. “Girl, your booty is so thick too! Don’t sass me.”
Susan blushed very red and then let out a girlish giggle. “Okay sorry Harry. I love you so much! More than the world and skies and oceans combined!” She blew Harry a kiss.
Harry smirked. “Yeah I know girl. That’s why you’re my woman.” Harry gave Susan another spanking in a very wholesome way.
Then Harry gave his attention back to the lady with Percy who had a big and thick booty bottom.
Harry recognized the woman. "That's Audrey, she works in the Ministry too, I think? I’ve seen her before maybe. Do you think they're...?" He trailed off, raising an eyebrow.
Susan grinned mischievously. “Only one way to find out!” Harry grinned back at Susan and gave her booty another slap. It better be red like her hair by now, Harry was hoping. Otherwise, what’s the point of the big booty booty?
Curiosity got the better of the two of them, and so they decided to follow behind Percy and Audrey very discreetly.
The two couples seemed to be on the same Hogsmeade adventure, wandering from shop to shop to shop to shop to shop but they were never going to stop.
Harry and Susan hid behind a big large hefty stack of magical books at Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop, trying not to laugh as Percy awkwardly tried to impress Audrey with his knowledge of quills. He was pointing at the the different quills as he explained the differences.
"Look at him, he's trying so hard! Poor thing!" Susan whispered, stifling a giggle. Harry giggled too. Percy was so cute. Look at his hair! And his glasses! Harry thought. Goddamn.
Susan and Harry’s next stop was Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop, a notorious spot for couples in love. As Percy and Audrey settled into a little booth together, Harry and Susan took a seat in a nearby booth, hidden behind a large potted plant. Percy seemed more relaxed here, and they even saw him crack a smile, something Harry had rarely seen. It was kind of cute. Harry liked when Percy smiled like that.
Susan couldn't help but tease, "Should we go say hello?" Susan noticed that her Harry had a crush. Susan understood. Audrey was basically a ginger too, and Harry liked all the red things.
Harry shook his head, grinning. "Let's just watch a bit longer. I wonder if he’ll notice us." He sighed dreamily. Goddamn. What a gorgeous piece of ginger pie.
Just then, Percy and Audrey leaned in for a shy kiss, and Harry and Susan's eyes widened in surprise. THUMP! In their surprised shock, they accidentally knocked over the potted plant, causing a loud crash.
Percy and Audrey turned around, their faces red with embarrassment at being caught, only to see Harry and Susan scrambling to their feet awkwardly.
"Harry! And, er, Susan Bones, is that right? What are you both doing here?" Percy exclaimed, trying to sound authoritative but failing miserably.
Percy was nervous. He was supposed to be at work, but today he was playing hooky. And Audrey was his hooker. This was so awkward. Ugh. Percy blushed redder than the deadest bloody goat meatstick.
Harry rubbed the back of his neck, sheepish. "Uh, well, we were just... you know, enjoying Hogsmeade."
Audrey the Hooker looked at Harry saucily. She liked sauce, and she knew that Potter kid had a lot of it. Audrey then chuckled, easing the tension between Harry and Percy and Susan Boner.
"It looks like we all have a secret now, doesn't it?" said Audrey. She was good at blackmail. She was a hooker, after all. And that Potter kid would be easy to blackmail.
Audrey needed money to purchase a new chair for her office anyway. Percy had given her a great big office at the Ministry, so she made good use of it. So did Lucius and Cornelius, for that matter. Sometimes together.
Harry blushed at Audrey’s saucy attention and especially at her big bosoms. Goddamn.
Percy sighed, his stern demeanor melting away. "I suppose we do. Maybe we should keep each other's secrets, then, ehh?"
The four of them shared a laugh, and from that day on, Harry and Susan found an unexpected ally and friend in Percy and Audrey. Their secret dates continued, but now with the added excitement of occasionally running into their new double-dating friends.
Friends were nice. Everyone needed a friend sometimes. It’s good to feel loved.