Chapter Text
After losing to Shikamaru in the chunin exams Temari increasingly considered the point of her existence. Her dad didn't want her, her mother was dead, and she was failing at the one purpose that made her useful. She couldn't even really win a fight with a random leaf ninja. She thought that if she died in the upcoming battle against Konoha, it would probably be for the best. She had served her purpose, hadn't she? There was no point in being sad about it or dramatizing the situation. It was simply the truth. Some people were born into loving families and had lives with ambitions. And she just wasn't. Considering that she figured if she died she wouldn't be missing out on much. She tried not to be jealous about how the leaf boy would go home to his family and friends and they would celebrate and laugh. She would go home and hang her head in shame to face her fathers wrath while her brothers said nothing as always.
She didn’t think about him much in the years following. Another bratty little boy, another person to waste stupid emotions on. She had no time for such things. She was a princess, a warrior. And she was absolutely above this ambassador job. It was insulting honestly. She hated the implication that she wasn’t needed in Suna, that she might as well spend her time in a place like Konoha. But, she also knew her place, she knew how to take an order as a soldier does, and so she arrived at the Konoha gates after three days of travel. She was surprised to see him waiting for her. Leaned back against the gate, slumping in the shade like he had all the time in the world. There weren't many shadows in Suna. The sun was always bright and uncompromising, no trees where darkness could hide in corners. That attitude of his hadn’t changed, which made her furious. How dare he, after humiliating her all those years ago, humiliate her again by not even gloating. The air that day was warm and clean, fresh like trees and new spring. Like the way her new life was about to start even if she didn't realize it yet, the one with him in it.
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The slower Temari's days became in Konoha the faster the months passed. There wasn't anything to keep her from sleeping in, letting Shikamaru waste their time complaining. Meetings and walks could seem to take up lifetimes but it always felt sudden when she was called back home. She tolerated Shikamaru’s company, he was quiet and thoughtful. Smart like she was. He always knew when to speak and when not to, a trait sorely lacking in most people. He was also naive and spoiled. Impossible for Temari to relate to. She didn't have the luxury of taking things slow, another thing about him that made her angry. Which made her hate herself for envying someone so pathetic. That said, Shikamaru had become less weak since she had last seen him. Temari could see it in the way he carried himself and the way his face had become more angular, his body now seeming to fit into his chunin vest. Most mornings Temari would wake up early for runs and walk to a nearby store to buy sweets in secret. His parents and friends were kind to her. No matter how easy it would be, she was careful not to get too close. Konoha was dangerous, all of it. Watching everyone together, Shikamaru and his parents, teasing each other over dinner. Made her feel emotions she couldn't quite recognize. A warmth that felt sweet and new but also one that burned. Why did she want it so much? Temari wasn’t used to wanting things, she had always firmly believed in independence. That no one can give you what you can give yourself. So why did she want it so much?
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When Temari woke up in Suna she remembered days in Konoha like dreams, ones she had to wake up from. Harsh wind and coarse sand stung her cheeks when she stepped out the door headed towards another mission she didn't care about, for a reason that didn't make sense. She still didn't know how to look her brothers in the eye or how to feel better. But there were special things about coming home. Like the way a sunrise could go on for miles, touching the dunes like how water meets the sky at sea. And how at night she could see millions of stars with no trees in her way. In Suna she could see clearly. Her life easily returned to its normal pace. Meetings and missions and training and more training. The burning in her muscles when she pushed herself to her limit was a comforting sensation. A reminder of her strength, what made her different, special maybe. She was the strongest kunoichi in Suna and no one could take that from her. She remembered that when scrubbing the blood from her hands.
Temari considered that the leaf boy might be the actual only friend she had ever made. A thought that made her skin tingle and her cheeks redden no matter how hard she willed herself not to care. Temari the Suna warrior has a friend.
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The next time she saw him it was summer. Shikamaru had traded out his black long-sleeve for a mesh one and she pretended not to notice. This summer was special because it was the first one she spent cloud-watching with him on lazy afternoons. As they got older each mission wore on them, each enemy got more dangerous, and each moment of stillness became more precious. Suddenly there was less time for pretending they hated each other. She still remembered that first day lying next to him. The grass was impossibly cool on her skin as it brushed against her cheeks. She remembered him sitting down close enough to her that his arm pressed against hers. She remembered her heart beating so hard she was sure she had been caught. She remembered how effortlessly he fit there, in Konoha. How she didn't fit anywhere like that. Shikamaru pointed out a cloud he thought looked like a rabbit.
“Clouds are precipitation stuck in the atmosphere for the purpose of creating rain,” she had said, “they don't mean anything.” His skin was so soft.
“Troublesome…”
The heat in her body was about to explode. “Stop saying that!” her feelings poured out of her, pretending to be anger.
He just laughed. He never laughed. It was so shocking she started laughing too.
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When it got colder, Shikamaru stopped responding to her letters and she received word from Shikamaru's father that his sensei had died on a recent mission. they spent a lot of time at Shikamaru's house that year. Yoshino lingered outside of the kage tower after work always greeting them with concerned reprimands and homemade snacks. And without fail, Yoshino always invited her over for dinner, his mother was kind like how a mother should be.
Temari wasn't used to the cold, but at least it gave her an excuse to sit a little closer. She wasn't used to being confused and speechless like she would do anything if it made him feel ok. But she got used to the deer, shogi, and cigarettes, the way his eyes were a little darker now, that they probably always would be. The silence between them grew bigger than ever before. There was no chit-chat to distract her from how badly she wanted to kiss him. Temari had woken up early the morning of the first snow. The most magical thing about winters in the leaf. It had seemed so simple that morning. Shikamaru sitting on the tatami looking out over the pale ground. The only explanation for why he would be up at this hour was that he hadn't slept. His need for comfort was palpable in the air. It had been easy for her to cross the room and place her body beside his, her arm pressing against him like that day in summer. She kissed him gentle and soft. A touch that she expected to alleviate her need for him but instead stoked it. Shikamaru placed his hand on her thigh, with just as much softness. He sighed
“Temari….”
Her name had never struck her ears with so much affection before. “I have to go back to Suna” She whispered. Then a beat “Thank you for having me”
On the way home Temari considered the power she had let this man have over her, that the touch of a hand on her thigh could leave her utterly defenseless. Could make her almost forget who she is. She was the princess of Suna, the cruelest konouichi. But today she felt like a teenage girl. Like she wanted to learn shogi, like she wanted to learn his secrets and the callouses on his hands.
Temari sped home faster than ever making the trip in only two days.