Chapter Text
Atop Mt. Crumpet, lived the horrible Grinch. When it comes to Christmas, he has a reputation for going rabid by the mere mention of it. He hated it so much he literally stole the damn thing. Why you might ask? Well... It's because the Grinch aspired to become a doctor. You're probably wondering what that has to do with Christmas. It all started a long time ago, during his time in med school. His training had required him to deliver a baby and the birth of Christ just so happened to be his first assignment.
The nativity was going A-Okay until Christ gnawed his way out the labia like a Xenomorph. He’d already developed mature adult teeth because of course he can! he's the son of the Lord, Goddamn it. Jesus brutally ripped through Mary's conch curtain, and the Virgin cried the shrill of hope, her mountain lion-like scream made God wonder why he had put this innocent woman through this when he had all the power to create life from shit-ridden filth in a farmer's pigsty. The agony drove Mary to poop a little; her chocolate ejaculate conception.
It was total chaos, screams and sobs filled the air. There was blood everywhere, and the humidity? It's like catshit odor blown into your face by hot summer winds. The stench was ungodly. The place resembled hell. What irony.
To Grinch, it was a disgusting vista. There were shrapnel of Mary's broken hymen covering the holy child's bald head like sprinkles on a cupcake.
"Fuckin hell, this shit is making me sick!" grumbled Grinch. He soon felt something rise up, and it wasn't his unwashed dick either.
Grinch vomited onto the face of the newborn messiah!
Baby Jesus was baptized with regurgitated Mi Goreng and Starbucks Cappuccino. Who needs the river Jordan when you've got flavor paradise.
"THAT'S HIM! THATS THE SICK BASTARD!!" Carpenter Joseph tattle-tailed, pointing at Grinch from the door—More like from the outside, I forgot they're in a stupid manger. Joseph had brought along the posse with him: The Three Kings!
"SINNER! You motherfucking Sodomizer!" recited one king. "How dare you profane this sacred moment of biblical history!"
"I say we punish this devil sympathizer!" Added another.
"HEAR HEAR!"
"These were meant for our prophesied savior" The third ruler shuffled an arm inside his gift bag, "I reckon our initial arrangements have undergone alterations"
It turned out the gifts they brought were all sorts of high-end sex toys! Anal Beads, Glow-in-the-Dark ovipositors, Ponytail butt plugs, The Recto-flute, MaterBater, Vibrators exclusive for males, that fucking dildo that has Obama's face for a dickhead... you name it! It's all there!
The Grinch backed off. "Whoa! Boys, chill... It's all an accident, trust me bros!"
"That's the plan!" Replied the three kings in unison. They all sounded the same; very African-American. "We're gonna cozy you up in this little manger! Tie you up like a stupid hog... Like livestock!"
The monarchs turned their three-man orgy crew into four as they added Grinch into the MIX. They ganged up on the Greenman, plugged a vibrator in his rectum and tied him up BDSM style.
The Grinch was bound using Jesus' umbilical cord, hanging from the wooden beams of the manger. His nuts were also tied so he couldn't cum—he needs to keep his eggnog for himself unless they tell otherwise. The classic cock and ball torture.
"I'm sorry, Grinch... Couldn't find a good bondage in this time period. We have to make do with what we've got" one ruler apologized as he tightened the cord.
Grinch spat out the ball gag and said, "Bullshit! You got the Lovehoney Butt Tingler 2023 up my stinkin' ass. How does that make any sense!?"
"God grants miracles sometimes. I sacrificed my wife and daughter for these babies!" The king retorted, holding a state-of-the-art automatic dildo machine. "Of course, you'd know by now the package included my heterosexuality... I sacrificed that too!"
The three kings then goatse'd Grinch's dung dungeon and plunged the massive sex contraption inside, not just the dick part, but the entire apparatus!
"OHWOOOHGH!" The Grinch howled and clenched his ass in pain, then his entrails molded into the shape of the mechanism.
One king switched the machine on, and it scrambled the shit around the Grinch's guts into chocolate slush Cadbury McFlurry.
"Urrhhgh UWAAAAH!" Grinch moaned.
"Listen to that! He loves taking it up the bum!" mocked one of the royals. "He's so gay!"
"A gay in a manger!" chimed in another. "Get it? Just like the song?"
"Shut the fuck up. You ain't funny!" The prior king bitch-slapped the one who joked. "You ain't shit!"
Then the three wise men arise their groin surprises: their throbbing monarchic dicks with regal lengths of 3.16 inches, or what they like to call them, "John-son 3:16". They made sure all of Grinch's holes were thoroughly invaded that night.
That was the most traumatic shit Grinch had ever experienced. He was fucked; butt fucked. The constitution also revoked his medical license for puking over the lamb of God. His chances of becoming a doctor were negative. That was the lowest point of his life.
If there's anything we can gather from that scene. It's the fact that childbirth is disgusting as fuck. And to answer why the Grinch hated Christmas? Well, you're right, the flashback had nothing to do with his resentment. He was actually bullied during a Christmas party at school, and it pissed him off. There's your answer.
***
Back in the present—the actual story—It was Christmas Eve once more. As usual, the Grinch did what he does best, adopting absurd Chinese customs. He was busy boiling his pet dog when a sudden ring from his phone interrupted him.
"Hello?" The Grinch answered it.
"Yo, Grinch! Are you the one who they call, The Grinch?" a voice with a New Yorker accent inquired. He sounded like a bald man
"Yeah! What's the scope, homie!?"
"Word is you stole Christmas? "The" Motherfuckin' Christmas!?"
Grinch proudly smirked, "Damn right!"
"Okay... Me and my partner, Marv here have a proposition for ya...'" the caller said, "We want you to do some stealing for us... There's this house we couldn't crack and it's driving me bonkers! They say you's the best for the job!"
"What's in it for me?"
"You pull it off, and you get awarded by the Guinness World Records for Greatest Heist in History!"
"Now we're talkin!" Grinch grinned.
"Good shit! We'll link up tomorrow in Chicago to hash out them details!"
"Chicago!?" The Grinch asked, confused, "I live inside a snowflake, Foo! Where the fuck is Chicago!?"
"Illinois, my boy!" answered the dealer, "Don't worry! We got your flight covered. You won't miss it!" And then he hung up.
The Grinch shrugged and packed his stuff. He's heading for Chicago, baby! Birthplace of the greatest baseballer, Michael Jordan!