Chapter Text
Just like the one winged dove
Sings a song
Sounds like he’s singing
Who who who
Just like the white winged dove
Sings a song
Sounds like he’s singing
Oh baby oh said oh
It’s the year of our Lord, 1995, and seventeen year old Dean Winchester isn’t having a good day, a good life. So what’s new? He’s only experienced four fleeting years of happiness for a person so young. The rest of his life has been a crap fest since the tender age of four. That’s the year his mother died in a house fire. Things have never been the same since. His father, John, turned into a husk of a man bent on revenge as he hunted down the yellow-eyed demon that struck her dead. He decides to uproot his little family, his two sons. Some might say that John Winchester was only doing what was needed in order to extract justice. Others said he was a selfish man who only thought about himself and not the two young sons he sired. Some say the boys would have been better off being given to someone who could take good care of them, nurture them. But, if wishes were horses, all beggars would ride. It is what it is. Too late to cry over the split milk in the Winchester family tree. John decided to haul his sons all over creation as he searched high and low for the demon. Always falling one step behind. In the meantime, he left his eldest son Dean to raise his younger son, Sammy. Dean became father, mother, brother, and confidant to his little charge. Some say John Winchester never realized he did this or simply didn’t care. It wasn’t fair to Dean or Sammy. They certainly didn’t deserve it, but since when does anyone get what they deserve?
So, young Dean Winchester takes care of his little brother, Sammy. John’s made sure to pound this one order into his eldest child’s head. He doesn’t need to be told what to do. By now, it’s automatic, like breathing. Dean changed dirty diapers. He made and warmed up countless bottles of baby formula. He bathed and clothed Sammy everyday. He washed everyone’s clothes. He cooked all the family meals. He cleaned up after his father and Sammy. He played nurse whenever he’s father needed stitches or whenever Sammy was sick with whatever childhood disease was going around. He did this and so much more because his father had more important things to do like drowning himself at the bottom of a bottle every night. He did all this while still having the appearance of being a normal child. He went to school each day even though he was exhausted. It’s no great wonder why his teachers called him slow, unmotivated. You’d be slow and unmotivated too if you were in his shoes. But, he didn’t complain. He’d play second fiddle so that Sammy could be the shining star. He’d show up on every report card day, every play or sports event that young Sammy was in. Teachers thought it strange. They’d talk behind the boy’s backs. By the time anyone questioned why a sibling would be more involved in Sammy’s progress than a parent, the Winchesters would already be in another state. Sammy excelled more and more each year as Dean declined. Dean eventually drops out of school. School’s an exhaustive experiment in futility.
The family dynamics aren’t the greatest in this family either. John Winchester is an ex military man, an ex-Marine. He raises his sons like they’re in military school. They’re up by the crack of dawn and have curfews. John Winchester’s word is law. There’s no desertion in the ranks. John doesn’t allow for disagreements that lead to discord. The boys know the rules. There are harsh consequences for any and each infraction. It works great at the beginning when the boys are younger. It provided structure. But, it doesn’t work too well in the teenage years when you’re trying to figure out who you really are. It snuffs out any form of individuality when you’re forced to conform into what it is your father wants. John Winchester wants to create the perfect super soldier. So, he works his magic on his eldest, he experiments. He creates a son who obeys his every order and never questions. Dean becomes the ultimate hunter, the ultimate killer. John may be pleased with the outcome, but Dean would never know it. John Winchester doesn’t give praise or compliments. The soldier is just doing his job. There’s no need to tell him how great a job he’s done. John’s content with allowing his younger son to be the scholar of the family. Sammy learns how to do research and do it well. Little do they know that this combination will pay off in the long run. One day in the future, the Winchester brothers will become the ultimate killer machine, the brains and the brawn. Eventually, both boys will become interchangeable. Sam will investigate while Dean executes the monsters that need killing. If need be though, Dean can investigates while Sammy doles out death. They will become a lethal killing machine. Monsters won’t stand a chance.
But, for now, they have to live in the present. They have to deal with the hurricane that is John Winchester. You could be basking in the eye of the hurricane on any given day or be throttled in the chaos of his outer bands. John is mean when he’s sober. But, he’s cruel when he’s drunk. John’s hardly ever around since he’s hunting the yellow-eyed demon. This can be a blessing or a curse depending on how one looks at it. Some people would have pity on the boys, say it was too bad that their father wasn’t around to raise them. Dean would scoff at that. He’s the one who raised Sammy. The boys can actually breathe a sigh of relief whenever John is away. It saved them from the storm that was their father. Due to the hurricane that was their father, Dean eventually becomes Sammy’s human shield. Dean’s the person who provides protection so that Sam won’t experience his father’s wrath. And, so the family dynamics were set in stone. John become the ultimate dictator, Dean becomes the faithful soldier and whipping boy, and Sam becomes the favored child. Dean accepts it because he loves his younger brother so much. It’s not the greatest, but it’s all they have.
The childhood years are rough. It’s not easy living in sordid pay-by-hour skeevy motels, squatting in old abandoned houses, or living out of the family car, a 1967 Chevrolet Impala. It’s not easy when you hardly have enough to eat. It’s not easy when your clothes are from the bargain bin of your nearest thrift store. It’s not easy when you’re sick and there’s no medical insurance. It’s not easy when you’re dragged from state to state, city to city. It’s not easy when you settle in school only to be yanked out the next month. No, their childhood isn’t easy by any means. But, Dean tries his best to make it work out in Sammy’s favor. He’s the kind of guy that would give you the shirt off his back or give you the last slice of pizza even though that leaves nothing for him. He’d give it to you because you needed it more than him. He makes himself not want. He does without. He’d do anything for Sammy. He’s begged, borrowed, and stole. He’s the first one to admit it. And, yes it makes him ashamed of the things he’s done, how far he’s willing to go., how low he’s sunk. So he learns to bury it deep inside. He sends the pain below so he can survive. Sometimes it’s like he’s suffocating. When he’s like this, Sam becomes his lifeline.
The teenage years are by far the worst. The teen years are supposed to be the time you try to find yourself, find where you belong in life. That’s hard to do when your life is dictated by your father. You will do this. You won’t do that. You will conform. You won’t call attention to yourself. You won’t participate in anything that will be interfere with John’s hunting. The teenage years are also the time you’re becoming who you want to be. You experiment, try new things. But, their father doesn’t want that. John wants only one thing, for his two sons to become hunters and nothing else. So, any and all individualism is squashed, nipped in the bud. It’s stifling. Dean finds an outlet through music while Sammy finds one through reading. The list of things they’re not supposed to do is long. Dean sighs and takes it all with a grain of salt, but he can see what it’s doing to Sammy. This kind of lifestyle won’t be good enough for Sam. Dean lives it because it’s all he knows, but Sammy has higher goals in mind. He wants to become a lawyer. He wants the ‘apple pie’ life with the house, the wife, the 2.5 kids, and the family dog. Dean can’t provide nor promise that. So he worries and waits for the other shoe to fall. He knows his Sammy will leave him one day. Hunters don’t have long lifespans. If Sam leaves him maybe he’ll die soon after that because to tell you the truth, he doesn’t feel much like living if Sammy’s not there anymore. If Sammy left, he couldn’t stand to live with John and who in their right mind would want him anyway. There’s times he thinks he’d be better off dead.
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