Chapter Text
It was a standard hunt. It was not meant to go this way, saving people, hunting things, it’s what they did. Today was not meant to be the day, but then, Dean always knew that it would end this way for him. His plan was always to “go out swinging” That was until...that was until he did what he did. And now he’d let him down. His sacrifice was all for nothing. Fuck, it was typical Dean Winchester! Epic failure, monumental fucking disappointment.
Dean’s insides churned. The rebar his body was impaled on felt like it was the only thing holding him together. His eyes scanned the barn, the headless corpses of the vamps lay before him.
“Ok, let’s get those boys and get out of here” Sam’s voice recentred Dean’s thoughts, anchoring him to the here and now.
“Sammy” Dean wheezed “Sammy....my back. There’s something sticking in my back”
“What? What are you talking about?” Sam moved closer to Dean and reached around behind him, his hand blindly resting upon the blood soaked wound. Sam paled at the sheer volume of blood pooling his hand.
“Sammy, listen to me. You need to get those boys and get them some place safe, do you hear me?”
“Dean, no! WE will get them some place safe. You and me together”
Dean tried to take in a steady breath but it was becoming increasingly difficult, his insides were on fire. His blood felt like bubbling lava swimming along the cavity of his chest. He didn’t want Sammy around for this. His baby brother’s lasting memory could not and would not be watching his big brother die, not in this way. Dean swallowed, knowing what he had to do. He took in a last look at his over grown “little” brother. Fuck he was proud of that kid. Dean wasn’t proud of much he’d done in his life but Sam, Sam he was proud of.
Sam’s voice was thick with emotion and concern “Put your arms around me, Dean, let’s get you off of this thing”
“No, Sam. This thing is holding me together right now” Dean blew a breath from between his lips, attempting to regulate the inferno that was still building inside of him. “Go get the boys in the car and grab the first aid kit and come back for me, got it?”
Sam just stared, fear evident in his face.
“Sammy! Hey, focus! Have you got it?” Sam’s eyes locked on Dean’s and Dean knew that this was the last time he would ever look at his baby brother. And in that moment he tried silently to convey everything he felt for the kid he’d dedicated the last 37 years to.
Sam nodded. “Got it. I’ll be right back just hold on, alright?”
“No problem, Sammy. Hey, I think we nailed this one” Dean attempted a joke, not wanting to show the fear that was beginning to build.
“You’re an idiot”
Dean managed a small smile of reassurance as he watched Sam retreat from the Barn, disappearing into the darkness.
Dean let out a sharp breath of pain as soon as he knew the coast was clear. How he wished he was here. He’d let him down. After everything he had sacrificed just so Dean could live and now...now here he was about to croak it on a rusty nail. He needed him here. He needed him here so he could tell him. If he was about to die, he needed him to know. He wanted his final words to be for him. For Cas.
Dean clutched his chest as a new pain surged through him, forcing his head to bow forward. It was now or never. He knew this would be the last time he could do this. The last time he could pray to Cas. He swallowed down the tinny blood lacing his throat, making way for the words he was about to speak.
“Cas...Can you hear me? Wherever you are I hope you can hear me. I-I’m fading pretty quick so I might not get all of this out. Cas...Cas, man, I’m so sorry. For everything. E-everything you sacrificed h-has been for nothing. I’m so sorry. Man, I wish you were here. You-you’re my best friend. No, you’re more than that. It’s t-time I cut the- cut the crap. I should have stopped you. I should never have let you do what you did but I just let you go. I just l-let you go because it was easier th-than admitting to what I have pushed deep down for so damn long. I couldn’t e-even find the courage to tell you, l-I’ve been such a coward, Cas. But I-I need you to know now. Cas, I love you. Of course I love you” He’d said it. Finally Dean had said it out loud. The air left his lungs. Was it in relief? He wasn’t sure.
“Wherever you are, Cas. I hope you can hear me. Man, I hope you can hear me”
The tears dripped from Dean’s face hitting his boot below. His breathing shallowed as his mind and thoughts began to fog.
Dying, it was like entering that middle state of being awake and asleep. It was light and weightless. It was dark and bright white. It was washing over him and he welcomed it. His eyes drifted shut, all he could see now was blue eyes.
“I love you. Goodbye, Dean”
“But I cared about the whole world, because of you”
“You changed me, Dean”
“Everything you do, you do for love”
“I know how you see yourself, Dean”
“DEAN!”
“DEAN!”
“DEAN” ...and the last voice Dean heard was Cas’ in the distance of his memory as his last breath left his lips, and his world faded to black.