Chapter Text
Luke drummed his fingers on the arm of the chair in which he was sitting, chewing his lip ring nervously. His phone buzzed as he frowned, pulling it out and looking at it.
hows Michael
It was Calum. Luke looked up at the door across the sterile looking hallway and sighed.
not done yet
ok let me kno when he is
Luke slid his phone back into his pocket and looked back up at the door across from him, impatient.
After Michael had been sent to the hospital, everything had been put on hold. Luke had to give management credit for how smoothly they were dealing with everything- though the press they were getting was making up for it. Luke tried not to think about that and made a note to not allow Michael near social media.
Michael had agreed to stay with Luke and they had decided to get an apartment together so Michael could have complete privacy. Even though he knew Luke's family, the only people he really wanted to see were his bandmates.
They had only settled into the apartment that morning. Michael had been released from the hospital at nine and Ashton and Calum had brought the last of his things over before Luke and Michael went to Michael's psychiatrist appointment. Luke was nervous and wished he could be in there with him but he didn't know if it was allowed.
The days since Michael had...well, had tried to kill himself had passed in a blur. Luke's brain had been put on hold as he ran here and there, visiting Michael, getting the apartment, moving his things, setting up psychiatrist appointments...
Now that everything had relatively settled down, Luke could finally think. And it was horrible. What if Michael didn't get better? What if Michael had lied about trying?
A million what ifs charged through his brain and he shut them down. He loved Michael and Michael loved him, and he was going to show him that loving Luke meant loving Michael. He was going to show Michael what an amazing person he was. He was going to show Michael just how much he loved him which would be no easy feat. He was going to show Michael everything that he saw in him. He had a lot to do with Michael and he was going to show him that too so that he would know he couldn't just leave. That he couldn't just try to rid the world of Michael Clifford because that world would be a dark place for Luke.
The door opened and Luke jumped to his feet eagerly. Michael walked to Luke and silently wrapped his arms around him, leaning his head on his shoulder. His psychiatrist followed him out of the door and looked at the two of them, her expression thoughtful.
She was middle-aged and her blonde ponytail was flecked with white. She had kind but piercing grey eyes. Luke knew her name was Brenda Evans because he'd spoken with her on the phone several times. He'd liked what he'd heard about her and she seemed nice enough.
Michael pulled away and sat down in the chair behind Luke. Brenda held her hand out and Luke shook it.
"Nice to meet you face to face," she said to him.
"You too," Luke said awkwardly. "How did it go?"
"I think that I'd like for you to sit in on our sessions," Brenda said. "Michael asked me and I think it would be good. I think he'd feel more open."
"Sounds good," Luke said. "I'd like that. Uhm...what- what do I need to do?"
Brenda looked at him for a moment and then seemed to understand. "Well, considering the fame and the possible negative feedback, I would suggest you monitor his use of social media if he feels comfortable with that. He should always be with someone, at least for now, and he needs to keep himself busy. Not to distract himself, because he needs to tackle this head on, but to keep him from only thinking about it."
"I'll make sure of that," Luke said. "He's staying with me."
"Good. Then I can expect you at our next session?" Luke nodded and she glanced over at Michael, who was staring down the hallway. "Alright then. I've seen worse cases than him but keep a close watch. He's got a tougher facade than most and that worries me. I got him to talk about you, which he did a lot, but he wasn't open about much else. Get him to talk if you can."
"Alright. Thank you." Luke shook her hand again and she closed her door behind her.
Luke turned and sat down in the chair next to Michael. The other boy turned and looked at him and Luke smiled at him.
"I haven't been able to really see you," Michael said softly. He seemed cautious, like he was holding back, and Luke didn't like it.
Leaning forward, Luke wrapped his arms around Michael, and Michael buried his face in his shoulder again. "I know, but we have lots of time now. We can go to the apartment and just talk if you'd like."
"I'd like that," Michael said.
"Alright, then," Luke said, pulling back and standing up. "Let's go home."
"Home," Michael echoed, a slight smile playing on his lips. Luke get a bit victorious and he took Michael's hand, smiling widely at him.
The apartment was only a few blocks away and they walked back. It was January so it was cold, but the air felt clear and clean, and it was bright outside. Michael leaned into Luke's side as they walked and Luke squeezed his hand lightly. He quickly texted Calum and then turned his attention fully on Michael, taking in the boy's appearance.
His hair was still black and his skin was as pale as ever. His coat seemed to swallow him up and the shoulder that brushed Luke's felt too sharp. But Michael was still just as beautiful as he had always been, scars be damned. Luke turned to look him in the eyes and smiled, and Michael's green eyes smiled back, crinkling at the corners.
They reached the apartment building and made their way up to their apartment. Michael clung to Luke's hand as if he needed the contact and Luke let him, feeling almost as if he needed it too. It was silent when Luke shut the door behind them and he didn't like it.
"We used to talk all the time," he said finally.
"I'm sorry," Michael said, and he let go of Luke's hand.
"No, Michael, I'm not finding fault with you!" Luke turned, cupping Michael's face and ducking down to meet his downcast eyes. "I just miss you. I want to help you get better so that you and I can talk all we want, so that you can feel free to tell me anything and everything. I want to get to know you better."
"I love you," Michael said, his voice cracking, and Luke couldn't stop his own smile.
"I love you too, Michael, so, so much."
Michael bit his lip and Luke noticed that look again, the one that meant that Michael was holding something back.
"What is it?" Luke asked softly.
"I- I just wanted to kiss you again," Michael said shyly, not meeting Luke's eyes. "I missed you and-"
"Hey, it's okay. You can kiss me any time you want, Michael. You can do anything. I want I know what you want."
Michael bit his lip and nodded. Luke's heart broke for him again as he thought about the confident boy he met in high school, the one who gave back as good as he got and laughed at everyone. He wondered if Michael had ever actually been that person.
Michael still looked hesitant so Luke leaned in, pressing their lips together softly, pulling Michael closer. Michael wrapped his arms around Luke's neck and kissed him back quickly, clinging to him. After a moment Luke felt something wet on his face and pulled away, looking at Michael worriedly.
"Michael...babe, are you crying?"
"Can we- can we lay down?" Michael sniffled. "I'm tired."
His face was wet with tears and Luke blinked back some of his own.
"Of course."
Michael had asked to share a room with Luke and the room Luke led him into had one large bed. He pulled off Michael's coat and reached for his sweater. Michael cringed.
"Michael- hey." Luke tilted his face up. "I've seen it and you are not any less beautiful, okay? I love all of you."
"Okay," Michael whispered. Luke took off his hoodie and pulled him into bed, settling him between his legs where Michael couldn't see his face when he looked at his arms.
Michael wasn't any less beautiful but it was hard to look at. Both of his arms were a mess of angry red lines and blue stitches holding the edges of his skin together. They were all so close together that it was hard to see any pale skin under it all. Luke held his breath and tried to keep from crying because he knew that Michael already was. He could feel his shoulders shaking against his chest.
"I'm sorry," Michael choked out, and he grasped one of Luke's arms, holding his hand against his cheek. His stitches rubbed slightly against Luke's own wrist.
"Don't be," Luke told him, unable to hold back the tears any longer. "Don't be sorry. Just be you."