Chapter Text
On Monday, Castiel had deep cleaned his room after class.
He put on a record and was in the middle of vacuuming when he found the last piece of evidence to officially confirm that what he assumed happened Friday, really did happen.
A condom. Definitely used and definitely not tied, laying in the small space between his bed frame and nightstand.
Castiel could only suspect Dean had been prepared. He probably shoved the thing into his jean’s pocket on the way out of his apartment that night.
That thought made Castiel feel a little crappy about himself. Dean probably went to the party looking for a quick fuck, and he got it.
Castiel had basically been dragged to the frat kicking and screaming. He certainly wasn’t looking for anything. And yet…and yet he lost his virginity to some random man.
It’s true that Castiel didn’t think much about having sex for the first time, but it was still something secretly special to him. He didn’t even realize how bad he felt about the whole situation until he took a shower when he got back from Dean’s, and finally allowed himself to think.
The issue wasn’t Dean himself. From the minimal interactions they had, Castiel knew he was kind and pretty and caring.
What bothered him was the fact that he had sex with someone he didn’t know. He wasn’t in love and it wasn’t special. It was surprising how much Castiel actually cared.
It was just so, so out of character for him.
The man couldn’t wrap his head around it. He’d forget about the incident, and then have a small crisis when reality sunk in again. He was no longer a virgin.
Castiel never really pictured himself with anyone. He had never liked someone enough to pursue anything serious. The farthest he’d ever gotten was kissing, if one would consider a single peck from his neighbor when he was thirteen as such.
It’s not like romance and sex weren’t interesting to him. They were. He’d just never met someone he wanted to experience those things with.
So after a solid week of gathering his thoughts on the matter, his main takeaway was that he was surprised with himself, a little upset that he had sex in the first place, and terribly confused as to why he, nor Dean, couldn’t remember it.
He’d have to get back to that last part.
As most things go, time dragged on slowly. Castiel’s days were long and lonely. Gabriel and Balthazar were social people. They both had a life outside of their shitty three bedroom apartment. Castiel didn’t hold anything against the two men for not inviting him out. They tried enough and it’s not like Castiel said yes most of the time. People had to stop trying eventually, even if Castiel secretly hoped they never would.
So it was a Saturday night and Castiel was alone, some old movie playing on the TV while he made a sad boxed pizza for dinner. He says sad because he is pretty sure the thing had been sitting in the freezer since last September.
Castiel reached for his phone to set a timer, when the device started to ring.
It was an unknown number, so Castiel ignored it. This clearly didn’t work because the person trying to reach him called again a moment later. And again when the ringing ended the second time.
Castiel answered, “Hello?”
“Cas! Hey, I was getting a little worried. Thought you were gonna ignore me.” The voice on the other end was so familiar.
“Hello, Dean. Are you alright?” Castiel asked, suspicion laced in his voice.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Well not really, can I come over? Are you busy?” The man’s words weren’t slurred, but Castiel had a feeling that Dean was possibly under the influence of something after asking a question like that.
“Are you drunk?”
“Oh, fuck off. I’m not drunk.” There was a very loud sigh on the other end of the line. “Listen, I have a physics test on Monday that I haven’t studied for and I- oh I suck, man. I need to do well, but I have no idea what’s going on. Charlie tried to help me, but she’s a horrible teacher, and then she mentioned that you’re a math genius. Thought you could be of use.”
Oh.
Dean only called to ask for a favor. Castiel couldn’t understand why that fact made his heart ache a little.
“Yes. I am minoring in physics, so I can help. Why you are asking so late though is beyond my comprehension.” Castiel had to retaliate in some way to make himself feel better about accepting the offer of being used.
“Whatever, Cas. I procrastinate. What time can I come over?” Dean asked.
“Now. I also made pizza if you are hungry.” Castiel now realized that he never set a timer. He opened the oven door to get a look at the situation.
“Thanks, I’ll be over soon. Send me your address.” Dean said goodbye and then hung up.
Castiel looked at the call time and subtracted that from the timer recommendation on the pizza box, plugging that number into his phone.
It took Dean around thirty minutes to arrive at Castiel’s apartment. The man had a very aggressive knock.
Castiel opened the door and stepped aside to let Dean in, he kicked his shoes off and stood awkwardly still. A black backpack was thrown over one shoulder and his knuckles had gone white with how hard he was clutching the strap.
“The pizza is in the kitchen, as well as my notes. We can work there.” Castiel led Dean into the small room and they sat at the island.
“Where’s Gabe and Balthazar?” Dean asked as he slid onto the tall stool. He began to take his books out and then stopped when Castiel answered his question.
“They are not here. Gabe is at some bar and Balthazar…I honestly don’t know.”
It took Dean a moment to respond. “So we’re alone?”
“Yes, is that a problem?” Castiel hoped this situation wouldn’t send Dean spiraling again. He didn’t know if he could handle that right now.
“Of course. Why wouldn’t it be?” The man’s tone was defensive and he dropped his books to the table with a loud thunk.
“I was just asking.” Castiel tried to soften his voice, but it didn’t work.
“Just because we’re alone doesn’t mean anything. It’s fine.” Dean snapped.
Castiel was not doing this today. He took a deep breath and paused, thinking about how to word his next statement. “Dean, I need you to listen to what I’m telling you. I would say that I am officially friends with your friends, as you are with mine. I have seen Charlie over the past couple of weeks, along with Meg and Jo. I know you and Gabriel have gone out together as well. We are going to be in each other’s space and I need that to be alright with you, because I honestly can’t be worried about you freaking out every time I am near you-”
“I’m not freaking out right-”
“Dean!” Castiel cut him off. “Just be quiet for a moment. I know how uncomfortable you are with what happened, and I know bringing it up again is probably not helping you, but I can’t do this. Gabriel told me that you became cold with him the second he mentioned my name to you. And it seems like you have been purposely avoiding me. I waited for you to text me and you never did, which is fine, but you asked for my number first. You have been talking to my brother and even Balthazar and I-”
“Are you seriously upset because I didn’t text you?” Castiel let Dean interrupt this time. “I don’t owe you anything. I said I'd let you know if we had another get together and we haven’t. You have no right to be mad at me.”
Castiel tilted his head slightly, trying to evaluate the man in front of him. Dean’s eyebrows were pinched and his mouth was twisted down. He was the angry one.
Things like this confused him. Last time they interacted, Castiel had a hard time trying to piece together the thought process of Dean Winchester. He often found it difficult to read people in general, but it had been more of a chore to try and understand Dean. Now everything seemed, dare he say, easy. Castiel could read him now. Could understand him. His thoughts and feelings becoming clear to Castiel in an instant.
“You are worried that I am angry with you.” It wasn’t a question. “I can assure you that I am not. I feel nothing but good things toward you, Dean. If you will accept, I would like to be friends and move past whatever we are doing at the moment.”
Dean nodded hesitantly and his next statement didn’t make an ounce of sense to Castiel. “My dad’s not…he’s not the most- he’s very traditional, I guess.”
“I am sorry?” Castiel’s tone sounded less confused than he felt.
“When I’m around you it’s like I can see his reaction to finding out about…you know.” Dean was quieter now and Castiel had to lean a little closer into his space to hear him. “God, I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. Let’s just get this done.”
Even though the topic was dismissed by Dean, Castiel began to speak. “I know that-”
“You don’t know anything, Cas.” Dean’s mouth displayed a small smile, but it faded quickly. “I really don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“As you wish.” Castiel said and started to look through Dean’s physics book.
“Did you just quote The Princess Bride?” Dean raised an eyebrow.
Castiel nodded and they moved on.
It hadn’t even been an hour of relentless explanation on Castiel’s part (because Dean asked a lot of questions), when Balthazar basically kicked open the door of their apartment.
He was carrying quite a few bags stamped with the logo of their local grocery store. Balthazar raised an eyebrow when he noticed Dean and Castiel sitting at the kitchen island, papers and books scattering the surface. “You didn’t tell me we were expecting company.”
“Well you never tell me anything ever, so I guess we’re even. I didn’t even know where you had gone. I came out of my room to eat and you weren’t here.” Castiel kept his eyes on Dean’s class notes, rereading them once more to try and understand the man’s brain through the way he had scribbled numbers on the sheet paper.
“Forgive me, Cassie. I only went grocery shopping for everyone in this house. Do not feel like you have to thank me for spending my money-”
“Your father’s money.” Castiel muttered.
“-and asking for nothing in return.” Dean had gotten up from his stool to take a few plastic bags from Balthazar, setting them on the counter to be put away. “And thank you, Dean. At least someone’s parents cared enough to teach them manners.”
Castiel couldn’t control himself when he said: “Shut the fuck up.”
Dean had made his way to the chair next to him, his hand resting on the back of it like he was about to pull it out and sit. The man was now frozen at Castiel’s outburst.
Balthazar looked guilty now, his apologetic eyes focused on Castiel. “Don’t worry about putting these away. I’ll do it when Dean leaves.” Balthazar put the bags down and retreated to his room.
Now Castiel was the one who felt bad. He knew Balthazar’s comment wasn’t personal, and Castiel didn’t usually act out when one brought up such subjects. But he was tired and irritable and it was the way Balthazar had used the words “cared enough” knowing Castiel’s parents hadn’t even cared a little.
It was now that Castiel realized Dean was still unmoving, staring at him with eyes a little too wide for the purpose of just observing.
“I am sorry, Dean. I am just a little frustrated right now. We can continue.” Castiel’s words didn’t seem to help much because the man in front of him still hadn’t sat down.
“You’re frustrated because of me, because I’m too fucking stupid to understand any of this. I’m sorry, man. I can go and try to find-”
“No.” Castiel’s tone was stern now. “Do not say that. I can promise you that you are not stupid or uncapable. You are doing very well.” Something clicked then. He remembered their earlier conversation. “I am not mad at you.”
Now that seemed to make Dean relax, the man finally sat down again.
The two were not interrupted further.
Hours had passed. It was now nearing around eleven and Castiel was honestly struggling to keep his eyes open. Dean was talkative and curious about, well everything. They had gotten sidetracked quite a bit over the past four hours. Topics changing from actual physics, to ice cream flavors, and now animals.
Dean had been telling Castiel about how the one time he had been on a horse, he had gotten thrown and broke his tailbone.
Once Dean was clearly done with the story, Castiel contributed something for what felt like the first time tonight. “I actually grew up on a farm. We had a couple of horses, but my favorite was this brown one. I called her Copper because her coat turned red in the sun, though it was highly discouraged to name any of the animals we had.”
Dean was quiet for a moment. “That’s super cool,” he sounded like he meant it, “but why weren’t you allowed to name any of them?”
Castiel wasn’t exactly sure how much he should tell Dean, how far he should pull back the curtain of his childhood. He didn’t know this man. The only reason Balthazar knew the slightest bit about his parents was because they had been roommates since freshman year. One is bound to pick up on at least something from someone who doesn’t go home for holidays.
Castiel finally settled on simple words. “I am honestly not sure. My father was always trading and selling. I guess he didn’t care too much for attachment.” Castiel wouldn’t disclose to Dean that after he told his father about his love for the horse that the man had sold her for some thoroughbred that they never ended up using.
“My dad was the same way.” Castiel was surprised to find Dean opening up about his father once again. “We moved around a lot when I was a kid and I was always trying to pick up strays.” A bitter laugh. “He hated it.”
Castiel nodded. “We only had one animal that had a name. Casper was what I guess you could call a family dog, even though he wasn’t allowed inside the house. He was a stray.” Castiel then thought about Binx. “How do you feel about cats, Dean? I have never really been able to decide if I like them over dogs, to me they are-” He stopped talking when he noticed the far away look in Dean’s eyes. The man was not paying attention to him.
“Are you alright?” Castiel asked softly.
“I- I prefer cats. I don’t like dogs.” His words were cut, but normal, like he had been listening to Castiel this entire time and not zoning out with a haunted look on his face.
Castiel didn’t know how to respond, but he didn’t have to because Dean began to speak. “Did you name Casper?”
“I did.”
“Do you like Halloween?” Dean still didn’t appear totally there, but at least he was looking at him now.
“It is my favorite holiday.” Castiel knew he sounded a little giddy. He always did when talking about things that interested him.
“I can tell. Your cat is named after Hocus Pocus.”
“He is, that is one of my favorite movies.” Castiel smiled a little and waited for Dean to contribute to the conversation. He didn’t though. Hecontinued to stare at Castiel, green eyes scanning his face a little more intensely than the man liked. Castiel broke eye contact but Dean still didn’t speak.
“I can go get him. I know I already introduced you two, but you can hold him if you would like.” Dean said yes to this.
Binx had been sleeping on Castiel’s bed, and the animal was warm and soft when Castiel scooped him up and handed him to Dean. “He’s so cute.” Dean smiled a little and then snapped into a neutral expression like he wasn’t allowed to be fond of the cat.
“Yes. He’s a barn cat. My brother had gifted him to me for my nineteenth birthday.” The memory was one of Castiel’s favorites. He had never been permitted to have something living be his own. It was exciting.
“Gabe got you a cat?” Dean asked, though he was a little wrapped up in trying to hold Binx comfortably.
“No. My older brother Michael.”
Dean hummed and said, “I didn’t know you had any other siblings.”
“I am the youngest of five, actually.” Castiel laughed a little when Dean’s mouth dropped.
“Wow. And here I thought dealing with Sammy was rough.” It appeared that Dean was clearly having trouble standing and trying to find a position to hold the cat, so Castiel motioned for him to sit down on the bed. Dean did, shooting over a little when his thigh brushed Castiel’s. This was something the man would not comment on.
“Well I bet you were a lot closer to him than I was with any of my siblings.” Castiel reached over to pet Binx. The animal’s eyes were closed now and he looked close to sleep once again.
“What are their names and ages?” Dean asked. Castiel wasn’t surprised by this. If he had said anything about anything, Dean asked for more. It was like he always had a question at the ready. Castiel honestly enjoyed the man’s never ending curiosity and eagerness. But now, he was just uncomfortable.
“I am not sure if you know, but Gabriel is 24. Michael is 34. My sister, I believe she was a year older than Gabriel, maybe two.” Castiel shrugged and avoided Dean’s gaze. “My other brother is 33.”
“I don’t know how to ask without sounding like a jackass, but when you say was, is she-”
Castiel waved a hand to stop Dean. “My apologies. She is not dead. Anna grew up with my mother, who I have never met.”
Dean looked like he was pondering something. “My mom died when I was four.”
“I am sorry for you and your family, Dean. And for your mother. If she was anything like you, then I am sure it was a terrible loss.” Castiel said honestly.
Dean looked at him then, strangely. Like he couldn’t fathom the words. Castiel realized he’d said the wrong thing. “I apologize. I am bad at this. People tell me I’m not too good with words and-”
“You’re perfect.” Dean cut him off. “With words, I mean.” He quickly clarified. “Not that you’re- not that- well I mean, you didn’t say anything wrong. It’s just no one has ever told me they were sorry for her. They kind of skip over the fact that it was her life that ended. Like yeah, we all had to deal with it, but she’s the one who had so much- she had so much ahead of her.”
Dean has cried in front of Castiel multiple times now, but this was the first time that he felt like he could possibly be of comfort to him. “I understand. It is awful for a young life, any life for that matter, to be taken. I do not know if you believe in Heaven, but I am positive that she is somewhere watching you grow. I can promise that she is proud of you.” Castiel is unsure if this had the desired effect because Dean was now in that all too familiar position of a hand covering his mouth to muffle his sobs.
Castiel waited for him to calm down a bit. “I want you to know that you can always talk to me, even if we do not know each other that well.”
“Dude,” Dean laughed, “I just broke down about my mom in front of you. I’d say you have definitely bumped up from acquaintance to friend. And I actually feel like I’m going to pass this quiz, so thanks for that.”
Oh yes, the quiz. Castiel had forgotten about physics completely. “And I consider you the same. I know you will do wonderfully, Dean. You can- if you would like, you can text me after and tell me how it went. I would like to know.”
The man nodded, “I will.”
Dean went home after that, and Castiel went to bed with a smile on his face.