Chapter Text
Part I.
“Are you sure you’re up for this?”
Ben glanced over at her, regarding her question. Voe was two years younger than him, yet knighted at the same age. They had trained together and watched each other grow up in the Jedi Order’s Academy on Ossus. Over the years, she had seen the best of him and the worst of him. In other words. he trusted her discretion. She would not ask him such a question to plant doubt or because she did not believe in him. Voe, of all people, would have a keen sense of Ben’s personal feelings in this matter.
Because it wasn’t just that he was taking on his first Padawan. It was much more than that.
“I’m sure,” he said, with conviction. When he said it out loud to her, he realized how true it was. “It is the only choice I could make for him. It is the right thing to do.”
“It won’t be easy.” Voe looked down, frowning slightly. Ben already sensed the topic she was about to bring up, and he braced himself for it. Even he still hadn’t fully processed what happened on Dromund Kaas. None of it made sense. It was like he had only heard a tiny fraction of the story. Missing every piece but the very last, but it always ended the same way. “Rey has had difficulty processing it. It was a traumatic experience for him. He may never fully recover.”
“That is exactly why I’m doing this. I am the only other person who knows him as well as our Master did. If anyone can set him back on the right path, it’s me.”
Voe considered this, then nodded solemnly.
“I understand that. Rey’s always looked up to you. He trusts you, and he isn’t one to hand out trust graciously.”
He offered a small smile.
“Besides, it’s about time I finally took on a Padawan of my own. It’s been long enough.”
“You got that right.” She returned the smile. “I’m glad you see this as an opportunity instead of a hurdle. My first year after taking on my Padawan was…challenging. Not because of him, but because of me. Nothing will show you how much you still have to learn like becoming someone’s teacher.”
“How is Finn, by the way?”
Voe finally returned the smile.
“He’ll be taking the test soon. I’m very proud of him. And hey.” She playfully elbowed him. “Won’t this be fun? Our Padawans are already close, and now we’ll be training them together.”
Ben was about to reply when he heard the low hum of a ship approaching. He looked out to the front gardens of the Jedi Academy to the docking platform. His new apprentice had arrived.
Rey wiped his palms on his thighs for what had to be the tenth time.
He knew Master Solo. Ben had been there when Rey was found on Jakku and taken to Ossus. He was there as Master Luke pleaded his case to the Council, insisting that Rey must be trained. Ben had even accompanied the two of them on a few missions, and Rey had gotten to know the Jedi uncle and nephew’s bantering ways, until they almost felt like the family he had never had.
So why was he so nervous all of a sudden? Why did it feel like he was about to meet a stranger?
Finn, a fellow Padawan and one of Rey’s closest friends at the Academy (his only friend besides Ben, if he were being honest) shot him a funny look.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah! I’m fine,” Rey said with way too much energy. He said it again, slower. “I’m fine . Really.”
“You know what the Council said. If you need more time, they’ll—”
“No. The last place I want to be is back in that medbay.” Rey hung his head. He was relieved to be out of there. After Dromund Kaas, they kept Rey in the medbay a whole month, until the Jedi Council decided he was physically and mentally sound enough to be discharged. And assigned a new Master.
Maybe that was the part he was nervous about. Not the fact that Ben would complete his training, but the circumstances under which Ben had become his teacher.
Finn looked down. Rey winced at the hurt look on his face. He hadn’t meant to push Finn away. But ever since that day, it seemed to be the only thing he was good at doing.
“Yeah, that place was pretty boring, huh?”
“Ugh. Don’t remind me.” Finn had visited Rey several times, and it didn’t take the two Padawans long to grow tired of staring at empty, white walls. Rey never said it, but he had been grateful for Finn’s company during those days. It had been a nice distraction.
He did not remember much about the first days there. The painkillers dulled the memories. When he had been well enough to send his report to the Council, it did not all come back at first. Most of it still hadn’t. And every time a memory resurfaced about that day on Dromund Kaas, it was like he had to start all over again, retracing every step of it.
The physical healing had been the easy part. A concussion, a few mild cuts and burns, and a sprained ankle. It was the other kind that Rey struggled with the most. Eventually, the medical staff agreed to discharge him. But just because they deemed him well enough to resume his training did not mean the nightmares had stopped. Nor did it mean that Rey had stopped seeing that strange mist in the corner of his vision at the most random moments.
He’d tried to explain what he saw—or what he didn’t see, that is—to the Council. They still struggled with fully understanding what happened to Master Luke too, which didn’t make Rey’s lingering anxieties any easier. He was left wondering what else had happened that he couldn’t remember. He hardly remembered seeing the red mist, like a cloud of bloody sand, appear from the jungle. He definitely didn’t remember how he left Luke’s side, or how he fell into the ravine.
What he did remember, as vividly as he remembered the past five seconds, was when he discovered his Master’s body. What the mysterious attacker had done to him. The Council did not suspect Master Luke’s murderer had been a Sith Lord, but then again, they only knew what Rey had told them. And Rey’s memories of that day were still mostly muddled. As a result, they were going off of limited information. It was clear to Rey, however, that he had not seen the attacker in time. He had not run to Master Luke’s side in time. And if he had been just a little stronger, a little faster, a little less afraid, then maybe things would have turned out different.
I’ll show Master Ben I’m ready. I’ll show him the Council was wrong about me.
The ship landed on the docking platform. After the ramp extended, Finn and Rey walked out together. At the front of the Jedi Academy, where the gardens were in full bloom, he saw Finn’s Master, Voe. Beside her stood Ben.
The two looked at each other as Master and Apprentice for the first time.
“You’ve gotten strong. When was the last time we did this?” Ben asked.
Rey went in for a roundhouse kick. Ben slipped out of the way as Rey tried to play off the question casually. They spoke between blows and parries, moving about the sparring room.
“Not sure. It’s been a few years.” He shrugged, ducking out of Ben’s next offense. It was three years ago, actually. Rey had just turned sixteen, and one day, Ben happened to be at the Academy the same day Master Luke was meeting with Master Katarn regarding something supposedly too top-secret for Rey to be a part of. Ben volunteered to help Rey rehearse his drills, and Rey endured his teasing and bantering for a mere hour of Ben’s undivided attention.
“Must be right. Time goes by so fast. You’re not that scrawny youngling anymore, that’s for sure,” he said in the dry tone he always used for joking around. Ben blocked his next kick a bit too easily for Rey’s taste. Suddenly his Master wasn’t doing this for fun. His tone shifted from the playful mentor Rey had known for years to the serious, strict teacher he had assimilated into the past few days. “Focus, Rey. Your mind is wandering off again.”
“No, it’s not! I’m focused. I’m present.” Rey clenched his jaw as he blocked another wave of attacks.
“You sure about that?”
“Yes! I’m—ow!” Rey felt the wind knocked out of him. He went down to the floor of the sparring room, landing on his side.
Ben stood over him for a moment. Then he offered Rey his hand.
“Come on. Up you go.” When Rey took it, he pulled his Padawan up. “You’re thinking too much. You’re getting stuck in your head.”
“I know, I know! I can do it, I know I can.”
“I know you can too. That’s not the problem. So what’s going on? What’s keeping you distracted?”
Rey shook his head, unsure of the answer. Or maybe he just didn’t want to face the answer. After several moments of silence, Ben leaned against the wall and started to peel off his hand wraps.
“Let’s take a break. Five minutes.”
“Finally!” Rey sat on the floor cross-legged without hesitation, then looked up to see Master Ben making a peculiar expression. “What?”
“You remind me of what I was like at your age.”
Rey hadn’t expected that. He would never dare to compare himself to Ben. Ben was obedient, attentive, reckless on occasion but not without good reason. But for Rey, rules and orders, the centering of one’s self, were all things he’d struggled with his whole life. It was like Ben had been born to be a Jedi, whereas Rey was pretending to be someone he wasn’t.
Rey straightened and untied his ponytail, then re-tied it, loose strands still falling over the sides of his face.
“Really? I thought you were one of Master Luke’s best students.”
Ben pushed himself off the wall and sat down across from Rey.
“Are you saying you’re not? Is that what’s bothering you?”
Rey bit his bottom lip. He couldn’t look Ben in the eyes, a mixture of shame, frustration, and something else he didn’t want to pinpoint stirring in him. Instead he hung his head.
“I don’t know.”
Ben let out a deep sigh. A sigh that stung Rey’s heart to hear. Only days into training with him and he’d already let Master Ben down. He shut his eyes, the shame unbearable.
He thought back to that day when he was brought to the Academy. The Council had said there was too much darkness in Rey. He could not be trained—or rather, should not. To teach him the Force would be dangerous, inviting in too much power to one not strong enough to resist the Dark. Back then, both Luke and Ben had reassured Rey he could become a great Jedi. But he never quite got over the seed of doubt planted in his mind. Was he a threat waiting to be discovered?
Suddenly, there was a warmth against his palm. Rey’s eyes shot open. Ben had taken his hand in his.
“It wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done to stop it. If it had been anyone else with Master Skywalker that day, the same result would have occurred.”
“You don’t know that,” Rey said, but a crack had formed in his voice.
“Yes, I do. Whoever was out there was able to surprise the both of you. If Master Skywalker could fall into the trap, any of us could have.” Ben began to run his thumb across Rey’s knuckles, his tone softening, as his gaze melted Rey’s insides like butter under a hot sun. “I know how hard it is to not dwell on what could have been, or what you wish had been. But a Jedi only concentrates on the moment.”
“But Master Kestis says if we don’t meditate on the past, we’re doomed to repeat it.”
“Meditating on what happened and dwelling on what you wish had happened are not the same. One advises us on actions in the present. The other only allows regret and nostalgia to linger. We cannot hold onto the past. We must learn, and then let go, and flow with the current. Refusal to let go is the path to the Dark Side.”
Did Ben know how much this physical touch let down his defenses? Did he know how much Rey had admired him all these years, unsure where admiration ended and desire began, if they overlapped, if they were one in the same, simultaneously loathing and embracing his need to keep up with Ben, to be a ‘man’ in the older Jedi Knight’s eyes? To make him proud? And that with Ben as his Master now, he had selfishly achieved a closeness to him he had always hungered for?
Did he know that, in his darkest moments, Rey found himself not just seeing Ben being his new Master as the silver lining to the loss of Skywalker, but as a reward? That, despite the grief and horror of that day, he did not necessarily wish it had ended differently? That he felt a slight gratitude that the assassin gave him the gift of training under Ben once he came of age?
That he might even be glad Skywalker died, so Ben could take his place?
“I know. I’m sorry. I just can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like a hot, suffocating cloak, and I can’t take it off, no matter how hard I pull.”
It couldn’t be true. Rey told himself that when he couldn’t sleep, or when he was supposed to be meditating. He wasn’t actually happy that Master Skywalker was killed…was he? That was just his mind coming up with ways to cope with the trauma, as they explained to him back in the medbay. Right?
And yet, Ben was sitting close to him in a way he otherwise never would have, sweat exchanged in their tense sparring and drying on each other’s bodies, faces flushed. On the precipice of finally getting Ben’s full attention. Here Rey was, being trained by someone who had shaped and developed his idea of what kind of man he wanted to be one day. He had gotten what he wanted.
It made him wonder if, had he had the chance to save his Master that day, would he have done it? Surely, on a subconscious level, Rey knew Ben would be the only one who’d volunteer to replace him. After all, it was Luke and Ben who insisted he be trained until the Council finally agreed to it; therefore, the duty of seeing him through to Knighthood would fall to Ben should something happen to Luke.
Did that mean that, somewhere deep down, Rey had wanted it to happen?
Ben reached up and brushed away a tear Rey didn’t know he had shed. His hand stayed, cupping Rey’s cheek. Rey found himself leaning into his touch, drinking up the warmth from his body like he was parched. The dark thoughts plaguing his mind wilted away the longer Ben touched him.
“You went through an extreme hardship. We don’t just recover from something like that overnight. Even if we’re Jedi.” Ben smiled sadly. “Trust me, I get it. That’s why I’m here. I’ll help you. One step at a time.”
Rey hesitated. Then he put his hand over Ben’s.
“I’m trying not to feel afraid.”
“I think that’s part of the problem. When we hold in our feelings, they will fester inside us. It’s like trying to keep a wild animal cornered. Sooner or later, it will break free. It is better to let your feelings flow through you. Your feelings will connect you to the Force. They will guide you. Do not be afraid of them. Let yourself feel, no matter what it is.” Ben straightened. “Let’s practice. What do you feel right now? There is no wrong answer.”
Rey laced his fingers between Ben’s. He saw a slight frown crease his Master’s forehead. Confusion, maybe?
“Right now, with you, I feel calm. Tired from our sparring, but…a good tired.”
“Good.” Ben pulled his hand away.
Rey let go, but he noticed Ben’s hesitation. As if he hadn’t wanted to. He clasped his hands in his lap and grinned at his Master, getting an idea.
“And what do you feel right now, Master?”
“Me?” Ben smiled, appearing taken aback but amused at the question. Rey took that as a win, especially when he started to answer. “I suppose…I feel sadness for what you went through on Dromund Kaas. I feel the pain and sorrow of losing my uncle, even though he is one with the Force now and should not be mourned. But I also feel your strength in the Force. I feel your resolve. I can feel that you want to become a great Jedi. It is my purpose as your teacher to see that you do.”
Rey took in his words, staring at him. He inched a bit closer. Ben did not move, but he did not stop Rey either. Was it possible he, too, desired this closeness?
“I’ll try to learn everything you teach me. I’ll do my best. You won’t be disappointed,” Rey said, and he meant it.
No. It isn’t true. It’s my mind coping with it, just like the doctor said. I loved Master Luke. I would never let him die just so I could get closer to Ben, and I’m not happy he died. That’s not me.
I’m better than that.