Chapter Text
Efnisien
*
In a way, they’d been growing closer to sharing a scene between the two of them. Kadek had watched Efnisien in ropes at his private play parties several times and even participated with a laconic sureness that made Efnisien as breathless as Arden did. When both of them concentrated on him, he felt as though he was being compressed from every direction. He was no longer malleable, he was pushed inexorably into some perfect shape, frightened he wouldn’t manage it, trying not to resist the pressure of their wills against him. And when he thought about that later, remembered the sensations, there was an electricity that felt disturbing and appealing. He knew Kadek felt it, too.
The excuse was Arden travelling to two kinbaku ateliers - one in Paris, the other in Thailand - for five consecutive weeks. Efnisien had never been away from him for longer than four days since they started living together, and he didn’t want to be super stressed about it, but he was. He tried to hide it, and he couldn’t. The days when he could hide everything from Arden were long gone.
‘So,’ Arden said one morning as they ate breakfast across from each other at the kitchen counter. ‘Weird suggestion, but since Kadek’s not coming with me this time, and he’s also going to be y’know, lonely...’
Efnisien expected something like: “You can go live with him for a few weeks if you want.” Honestly, Efnisien was open to it.
‘...I was thinking you two might want to figure out scenes together without having me there as a safety net. Kadek’s a big boy, and he can handle it, and I think you can too.’
‘O-oh,’ Efnisien said, shocked. ‘You- Ah...’
‘We’ve talked about it,’ Arden said soberly. ‘This came up years ago. It doesn’t mean I’m tired of you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want you. It doesn’t mean I want Kadek to handle that side of things. If anything, I’m sad I’m going to miss out on being the voyeur because I think you’ll be spectacular with him. I want him to know you in his own way. Wow! I’m explaining this badly!’
‘You’re nervous.’ Efnisien smiled weakly.
‘So true, bestie.’ Arden laughed. ‘Kadek’s always gone with me to the long conferences. He’s been my senpai.’
‘And now you’re the senpai.’ Efnisien could never unsee all the anime Arden had eventually exposed him to, and by osmosis, Efnisien had picked up some of the words. He accidentally and unthinkingly called Damilola his senpai only a few months ago, and the look she’d given him took about twenty years off his lifespan, before she started laughing and said she’d still prefer that on her business card over Associate Professor.
‘We’ll be in touch and Facetime and stuff, but instead of me telling you how I think it should go, how about you tell me how you’re feeling about it?’
‘He might hate it,’ Efnisien said, staring down at the counter. ‘And then I’ll be dealing with him hating it, and you not being here, and that’ll suck.’
‘I’m going to bet you a stone cold two thousand dollars that he won’t hate it or you.’
‘What if you get really jealous?’ Efnisien said quietly.
‘Babygirl, that won’t happen. I know you’re mine. The things you endure for me? I know. Like, in a gross saccharine way. If anything, it’s more like I want to come home to Kadek losing his absolute mind at how amazing you are. And maybe I want you to see that side of him, too. You’ve known him when he’s the host at play parties, but you’ve never done a private scene with him. Not a serious one.’
‘A scene...’ Efnisien said slowly. ‘Wait, you think he should dominate me? Like... The shit he does with collars and obedience and stuff?’
Efnisien had only seen that side of Kadek once, and only on video, because Kadek didn’t play like that at play parties. The way he explained it, he had two styles of topping. Kadek as a rigger was playful and sadistic, willing to offer praise and support and easy conversation, and his style was what Arden described as “loose.” Kadek liked to improvise rope in between workshopping on models and mannequins. He went with the flow.
Kadek’s style of domination was serious and focused. It was pretty old school. There were positions for his submissives to hold, commands given, discipline exacted, and even a quick scene could be very intense. Kadek did that privately, though he’d filmed a few of those scenes back in the day.
Efnisien had watched five minutes of one: a younger Kadek in a black suit that was tailored well, dominating a younger woman who was completely naked except for the black leather collar around her neck. In the scene, she was made to kneel on a cushion and serve wine whenever Kadek’s glass went below a certain amount. Efnisien had looked at Kadek uncertainly, because even his voice was different to how he was when tying people in rope. It was colder, firmer, almost restricting. Efnisien had felt flustered, and it only compounded when he saw Kadek staring at him with the same focus he’d given the girl kneeling at his feet.
Efnisien hadn’t wanted to watch the rest, and Arden flicked to a video of Kadek and Arden working together at an atelier in Germany, back when Kadek toured globally and ran workshops that were in high demand.
‘The reason I’m suggesting that,’ Arden said carefully, ‘is that it can be challenging, but also very grounding. I think you should talk to him about it. He’s open to it, but he won’t press this on you. Kadek has a soft spot with you. Anyway, think it over. Maybe have a talk about limits before I leave, and then you can decide for sure if you want to try it or leave it until I get back. I just thought... I mean you both love me so much and you’re both going to miss me so much because I’m fucking amazing, so it’s a problem that basically solves itself if I throw you both together to have a pity party about me leaving.’
Efnisien opened his mouth to tease, and then smiled and shook his head. ‘You think it’ll be hot, don’t you?’
‘God, you don’t even know, princess. He’s never been into a dude before, and I’m pretty sure he’s stumbling into some kind of awakening with you. This is the most fun I’ve had with Kadek in years. That dude is laid back on the surface and then so neurotic you can’t resist poking him.’
‘Just so fucking neurotic,’ Efnisien agreed and laughed. ‘Yeah, okay, I’ll talk to him.’
Arden looked relieved. ‘Yeah? Okay. See how you go. No pressure, remember?’
‘Sure,’ Efnisien said.
‘I have such big feelings about you, sweetheart.’
‘Same,’ Efnisien said, and shivered.
After all this time, he never tired of Arden’s declarations, or how big they felt. Once, it was a lot of pressure. Now it was a constant reminder that someone loved him. That was good, because Efnisien felt the same way.
*
‘Did Arden send you my contract thingo?’ Efnisien said. ‘I don’t know, the form with all the limits I have?’
Kadek sat on the same couch facing Efnisien, and instead of a tablet like Arden used, he had a notebook. When Kadek opened it, Efnisien caught his own name in black capital letters, written out in a decisive style in fountain pen. It made him feel more nervous than he expected. Especially now Kadek was staring at him.
‘Ha, babe, no,’ Kadek said. ‘You reset this every time for a new play partner, especially when it’s a serious scene. Your limits with Arden aren’t your limits with me. The endearments you’re comfortable with aren’t the same as with me. My wants and needs aren’t the same as his and my limits aren’t the same as his. We start fresh. We go through it all from the beginning because I need to know you can talk about this stuff with me. Because if you can’t talk about it, we can’t do it.’
‘Yeah, yeah, I seem to remember Arden saying the same thing a hundred years ago.’
‘You look pretty scared shitless for someone pretending they’re old-hat at BDSM.’
Efnisien felt a flash of annoyance and looked away, and Kadek nodded to himself.
‘So!’ Kadek said. ‘I think of myself as a rigger and a dominant, but they’re two separate things. Sometimes, as a dominant, I’m also a rigger. But when I’m a rigger, I’m not a dominant in the same way. I have a structured and formal domming style, and what I’m looking for is obedience with zero bratting. Like, absolutely no tolerance for bratting. No talking back, no intentional silliness, no looking to make me laugh. I’m not saying you can’t feel upset or challenged, or that you can’t baulk or resist something, but if we do any scenes together like that, it’s...’ He paused, sticking the cap end of the fountain pen into his mouth.
‘You want me to respect the spirit of the scene,’ Efnisien said quietly.
‘Yeah,’ Kadek said. ‘It’s hard to explain, but when I’m interviewing someone to submit to me - which is rare - I tell them I expect them to obey me as if their life is in my hands. You do everything I say, because for those ten minutes, or two hours, I am everything to you. But you’re not always going to feel you’re everything to me. I want the subservience and the respect, but I’ll often be doing work, or watching television, or not seeming fully engaged. That’s part of what I enjoy about that side of kink, but not everyone can hack it, and I know you like to feel special. I like to make you feel like that too, but if I dominated you, that would be different.’
Efnisien nodded. That was the impression he’d gotten from the video he’d watched. Honestly, while it was scary, it hadn’t seemed awful.
‘So...’ Kadek said, drawing the word out. ‘Actually, let’s talk specifics and then loop back on in the bigger picture. When you answer these questions, I want you to imagine that Arden won’t be there, so this is how you feel about something specifically when it’s me. Like, for example, can I tie you in rope when it’s the two of us? In a more relaxed scene, but also in a serious one?’
‘Yes,’ Efnisien said. ‘Not suspensions though.’
‘Got it. You’re fantastic,’ Kadek said, his face scrunching up in a smile that meant he was pleased. Efnisien swallowed, feeling pinned by his dark gaze. ‘That’s the specifics I want. So floor work is okay? Good. Seated? Yeah? Good. Hands and feet? Uh huh. What about rope gags or blindfolds?’
Efnisien surprised himself when he nodded. Gags and blindfolds weren’t always on the table with Arden, but with Kadek, he felt okay about it. He didn’t know why. Maybe he’d hate it.
‘Next we’re going to talk about positions.’
Kadek didn’t mean sex positions. He wanted to know how long Efnisien could kneel on a cushion for, how often he thought he’d need breaks for his knees, how long he could hold a stretched forward prostrated position like worshipping a god - which made Efnisien’s cheeks heat - and he wanted to know how comfortable Efnisien felt being asked to bend over a desk, or a couch. Efnisien wasn’t actually super comfortable with that at all, but he also said he wasn’t ruling it out. Kadek seemed contemplative, but he was in an information-gathering mindset. Meanwhile, Efnisien squirmed inside.
This was very different to Kadek and Arden talking about what they wanted to do in a scene with Efnisien and leaving him out of it.
When Kadek moved to the subject of touch, Efnisien pulled both his legs onto the couch and wrapped an arm around his shins. Everything they talked about evoked some image in his mind. Kadek pulling his hair. Kadek fully clothed and holding him while he was naked. Kadek touching or bathing his hands, or his feet, or Efnisien being asked to do the same. Being manipulated into certain positions outside of rope. And then when they got to sexual stuff, Kadek asked blunt questions, and Efnisien heard himself choke out a “Yes” to way more than he thought he would.
Kadek stopped. ‘Boy, you better not be saying this to me because you think I want it.’
‘It’s just- You’re not into guys like that anyway, and I’m- You know I’m ace, and you know me, and I do stuff with Arden sometimes, well, more than we used to. Not like- Not all the way, but still... I don’t know. Maybe Arden would be mad to know I’m saying yes to this stuff?’
‘Arden knows what I’m going to ask you,’ Kadek said. ‘He’s prepared for you to say yes or no to all of these things. Babe, there’s nothing you and I are talking about today that will be a secret from Arden. There’s stuff I’m not going to ask you to say yes or no to, because Arden didn’t want me to ask you at all.’
‘Oh. And that wasn’t sex stuff?’
‘There’s a bunch of endearments that only belong to him, apparently,’ Kadek said, laughing. ‘In good news, I’d rather die than call you “my dove.” So we’re good on that. He let me get temporary custody of babygirl though. If you agree to it.’
‘Fuck.’
Kadek’s eyes did something, like narrowing and focusing all on him, a pressure that shoved at him even across the couch. Kadek was noticing everything, liking Efnisien’s responses, and it didn’t feel nearly as playful as when he was doing rope stuff.
‘Now,’ Kadek said. ‘Brace yourself, we’re going to talk about impact play.’
‘What?’ Efnisien said. For years, that had been completely off the table with Arden, with almost no exceptions.
‘You heard me,’ Kadek said. ‘You can say no to every question, but I’m going to ask you every question. If I can find a way into that with you, I’m going to take the opening. I’ll be careful, don’t worry, but I’m trusting you to be honest with me, got it?’
‘Got it,’ Efnisien said, his voice strained.
Questions like: Could Efnisien handle the idea of being spanked over Kadek’s knee, could he handle it being bent over a desk or a chair, could he handle it if it was a reward, a punishment, discipline, or because Kadek wanted to do it? Could he handle a paddle, or a flogger, or a quirt, or a whip, or a tawse, or a cane? What sort of marks would he accept as tolerable? How long should the bruising be allowed to last? What parts of the body couldn’t be touched at all for impact aside from obvious safe zones like the kidneys?
Efnisien felt dazed. ‘You know this is... This is a hard limit of mine, right?’
‘With Arden, sure,’ Kadek said. ‘With me...’ -He dragged his finger down the list of answers he’d received, and smiled softly- ‘...not so much, hm? Sometimes it happens like this. Maybe there’s stuff you never want to fuck around and find out with, with Arden. Because what if he does something like that, and it ruins your relationship? But you can take bigger risks with me. Not because you think I’ll hurt you, but because it’s different when the relationship is different. You do still have a lot of hard limits here, which is great. But I’m not gonna lie, kind of excited now.’
Efnisien bit his bottom lip and said nothing.
There were even more questions about impact after that, including aftercare around impact, which wasn’t something Efnisien had to consider before.
They talked for another thirty minutes, until finally Kadek sighed and stared at nothing for some time, and then said: ‘I really, really want you in a collar.’
‘No,’ Efnisien said. ‘No way.’
Kadek winced. ‘What about something lateral? Like a necklace or a sash or something?’
‘No,’ Efnisien said.
‘A cuff on your wrist?’
Efnisien hesitated. ‘Leather?’
‘It doesn’t have to be leather,’ Kadek said, modulating his voice to be gentle how Arden sometimes did. ‘It could be metal, or fabric, or even some jute. Something I can put on you at the beginning of a scene and remove at the end. Something that means you belong to me in that period.’
Efnisien stared down at the carpet. He knew Kadek wanted this because he was all about collars and the ritual. But Efnisien had never liked them, and thankfully Arden wasn’t so beholden to the old ways of doing things he felt the need to use them.
‘What if...’ Kadek said quietly, ‘I wore one too?’
Efnisien stared at him, his eyes widening.
‘A collar?’
‘Not a collar, but something you place on me before the scene starts and after it ends. Something that symbolises my promise of care towards you, something like that.’
Efnisien opened his mouth to say he’d like that, and then something clicked and shifted inside him. With Kadek being willing to offer that, Efnisien realised he didn’t need it.
‘I want nothing around my neck,’ Efnisien said. ‘But a cuff on my wrist is fine. I don’t care what it’s made of, as long as it’s not that stereotypical, shiny leather. Suede’s okay, I guess.’
‘And for me?’
‘I don’t need that,’ Efnisien said. ‘I thought- I thought maybe... But I don’t think I do. It’s nice that you offered, though.’
‘It’s nice that you considered it,’ Kadek said. ‘I think it’s only because it’s me, and you love me.’
‘Fuck off. Arden’s so needy I have nothing left over for anyone else.’
Kadek grinned, and Efnisien leaned back against the couch and felt drained. What he’d learned was that a scene with Kadek was going to be fucking intense. Even if they only did two of the things on the list, it was going to be intense.
‘You can’t make fun of my body,’ Efnisien said abruptly.
‘We literally have an entire section about how you hate being humiliated. Also, I don’t want to do that.’
‘You can’t point out that I’m... You can’t point out that you’re not into me because I’m not a girl. You can’t try to make me into a girl.’
Kadek blinked at him, then nodded and wrote it down. Afterwards, he tilted his head at what must have been the seventh page of notes in shorthand.
‘I wouldn’t do those things, but I’m grateful you’re telling me. I can hear in your voice how much you don’t like it. Have I ever made you feel that way before?’
‘I don’t know,’ Efnisien said, uncertain. ‘I wasn’t thinking of any time in particular. It’s just people think I have the body or the looks that must mean I want to be feminised or something, and I don’t.’
‘Yeah,’ Kadek said. ‘See? There you go. Here you have a hard limit with me that you don’t have with Arden, because Arden makes you feel safe with this stuff.’
‘Yeah,’ Efnisien said, rubbing at the back of his head. ‘Also, it’s for Arden. It’s different. I’ve never liked it much, you know. It’s like being fucked. I do it for him. He has other ways to make me feel that way, but he chooses that way, because he knows how uncomfortable it makes me. Your scenes already sound fucking hard. I don’t want to be... I don’t know. Gender stuff is a mess. I’m tired of people saying I’d look pretty in drag at your play parties.’
‘God, same,’ Kadek said. ‘You’re right. There’s a few people who don’t cut you any slack on that. It’s like they don’t know how to compliment you, so they jump straight to: “Wow, you’d be so pretty as a girl!” Like damn, you can be a pretty boy, y’know?’
‘Yeah,’ Efnisien said.
‘Can I add Pretty Boy to the list of endearments?’
Efnisien pressed his lips together, and then nodded, resisting the urge to groan in embarrassment.
God, he was so fucked. So fucked.
‘I feel like I’m gonna safeword like crazy,’ Efnisien said softly, as Kadek closed his notebook. ‘Feels like you’ll get mad about that.’
‘Then we’ll have to make sure you know I won’t,’ Kadek said soberly. ‘When I say I like my scenes to be serious, it doesn’t mean I want you to feel you can’t safeword, okay? Do we need to go over that section again?’
‘No, it’s... No.’
‘I’ll type all this up for you and send you a copy, and you can change anything you need to. Also, you doing this with me doesn’t mean we’ll actually do anything, okay? It doesn’t work like that. This isn’t a promise to scene, it’s us knowing where we’re at, and what each other’s kinks and limits are. You know a bit more about me. I know a bit more about you. Maybe this doesn’t get off the ground, maybe it does.’
It was a relief hearing Kadek talk like that. Sometimes he worried Kadek’s colder dominant side was who he was deep down, and he had to remind himself it was just another facet of him. Kadek was a caring, soft-hearted guy who hated to be seen that way by people in case they used him.
Still, Efnisien was nervous, because he wanted Kadek to be pleased with him in a scene, and he worried he wouldn’t be able to make it happen.