Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Magnus Bane hadn’t heard the name Alexander Lightwood in years. Truthfully, he’d suspected that he’d never hear it again, void from his own thoughts, which drifted to Alexander far more often than he would ever dare to admit to anyone aloud.

He and Alec had dated once, when they’d both been far too young to deserve a love as pure as what they’d found. Magnus was not a sappy man but, in the privacy of his own head, he thought Alexander was the person he was supposed to end up with before — well, before everything in his life went to shit.

He and Alec had fallen in love fast. They’d spent most of their high school years utterly enthralled with each other. They’d spent their evenings making out in Alec’s room, just to wake up and spend the morning making out in Alec’s car before the bell rang and they had to go their separate ways. Magnus had known, even then when no one had believed they’d last, that he was going to spend the rest of his life with Alec. He was supposed to spend the rest of his life with him.

Magnus shifted and sighed, dropping the note from Raphael back onto his desk. Raphael had come to tell him in person, but he’d still been out. Perhaps, it had felt too personal to send as a text but too urgent to wait until the next time Raphael and Magnus would be able to see each other again.

Raphael was the only person in Magnus’ life that still knew just how deeply and utterly in love Magnus was with Alexander Lightwood. In his line of work, he had to pretend to be uncaring and he did a pretty good job of it. Even with Alec, if anyone ever asked about him, Magnus would pretend not to remember who he was. Alec was something of the past. He was someone Magnus didn’t even recognize anymore.

It was both to protect Magnus’ reputation and to protect Alec himself. Alec deserved a normal life, after everything Magnus had put him through. He had decided a long time ago that even if his heart ached every single time he thought of him, he’d let Alec go. He’d never talk to him again. He’d keep Alec safe from every danger Magnus’ life could bring and Alec would simply be someone he knew once, someone he hardly remembered, someone that meant nothing to him anymore.

Yet, here was this note, threatening all of that with a few simple words. Raphael had written it bluntly and Magnus glanced down to read it over again, as if anything about the contents might have changed since he last looked.

‘Alexander works at the shipping company. Guard. I couldn’t get information on his schedule. We can call it off, if you want.’ Then Raphael had signed his name, as if Magnus wouldn’t know who’d written it.

Magnus sighed and tossed his head back. Even the simple way Raphael had written it showed a consideration that he knew Raphael would not afford many others. The thought of Raphael offering to call off a heist they’d been planning for months simply because someone his associate had dated years ago might be there was laughable and yet, Raphael had done just that because he knew what no one else in Magnus’ life did. He knew that Magnus had never gotten over Alec and that if he forced Magnus to go through with this when he didn’t want to, it could be more dangerous than if they called it off from the beginning.

He was scared Magnus would do something stupid if Alec was there. Magnus would have loved to say the fear was unfounded, but Alec Lightwood was perhaps the one person in the world that he could still be hurt by. Anyone else, he’d conditioned himself to accept that he would lose, even when it came to people like Raphael. What they did was dangerous and he had tried to prepare himself for the day Raphael would end up dead, if it happened before Magnus himself met an untimely demise.

Alexander was different. Magnus had already lost him and yet, he couldn’t bear the thought of living in a world where Alec had been hurt because of him — hurt any more than he had been already, anyway.

He knew that Alec had become a bodyguard. He kept an eye on him when he could. He had someone inform him if Alec moved, if he got a new job, or if he was in trouble. Magnus had only stepped in once or twice, though Alec didn’t know and hopefully never would. Magnus didn’t think he would accept anything from him, if he outright offered. Instead, Magnus had made sure Alec just happened to get what he needed.

When Alec’s parents cut him off, Magnus sent someone to give him money. A ‘random’ charitable act of course, one that Alec just happened to be given when he was struggling, one that a ghost like Magnus Bane had nothing to do with.

Alec was doing a lot better now, so Magnus had mostly backed off. He had a solid job. He made a lot of money. He was trained in self defense, if he ever needed to protect himself.

Magnus didn’t imagine Alec would need him anymore, which was why he hadn’t expected to hear about him again, but he supposed fate worked in mysterious ways and, apparently, fate couldn’t leave Magnus the fuck alone.

He would rather know that he’d never see Alec again than do this, than suffer wondering if they’d run into each other, wondering if Alec would look just as disgusted with him as he had when they’d last seen each other. That was even before Magnus was wanted for murder. That was even before he had done all he’d done after that.

He knew that he couldn’t call it off. It was a simple hit, but a lot of work had gone into figuring out where Camille’s stuff was being held and what exactly they could do to disrupt her operations even more. Magnus couldn't call it off now just because Alec might be there.

He wanted to. He wanted to throw everything aside and call it all off, so he could stay home that night and not have to wonder if he’d see the man he loved again, not have to wonder what that would mean for Alec if he did.

Hopefully he wouldn’t be there but, if he was, Magnus knew he couldn’t stop it. He’d done his best to do right by Alec. He’d left him alone and never contacted him again, after everything happened. He’d kept an eye on him, in case he needed help. He’d helped when Alec needed it but, even after all of that, Magnus couldn’t stop this.

He’d done a lot of stupid things for Alec, but Magnus knew that this was crossing a line that he could not cross. He could not call this off for a man he hadn’t seen in years. He couldn’t call it off just because he might be there. He couldn’t protect Alec from this.

If he’d known Alec worked there before this, it would have been different, but by now their plan was more or less set in stone. Calling it off wasn’t an option. If Alec died there, it was because the world had wanted it to happen, not Magnus. He had done his best to protect Alec, but this was out of his hands. Besides, what message would it send if anyone found out Magnus had called all of this off the moment Alec’s name was dropped? He’d be in danger anyway and that wouldn’t be any better.

Magnus crumpled the note from Raphael and threw it away. He didn’t say anything to him about it, which they both knew that meant that nothing about their plan had changed.

Saturday night came quickly. They approached the shipping company in the dark, silently. They had a small crew with them, the best of the people they knew. The instructions were simple. Get in, take everyone out quietly and efficiently, destroy Camille’s shit, and get out.

Magnus had to stop himself from scanning the cars in the parking lot and wondering if any of them were Alec’s. Truthfully, he’d had to stop himself from thinking a lot of things about Alec recently. He had to stop himself from wondering what would happen if Alec was here now and did die. He had to stop himself from thinking of Alec’s siblings, who he remembered as so much younger than they were now. He had to stop himself from visualizing exactly how heartbroken they’d be if anything happened to their big brother. He had to stop himself from dwelling on it and he had to convince himself that he didn’t care, because he couldn’t.

He had a job to do. It was as simple as that. At the end of the day, Magnus couldn’t put anything else first and… well, it was the end of the day, wasn’t it?

They stood outside, eyeing the big building as Raphael leaned against the hood of his car, lighting a cigarette. Magnus didn’t smoke much anymore, but he reached for the one Raphael had lit anyway, taking it from his hands and raising it to his own lips.

Raphael’s hand froze, now empty. For a moment, it looked as if he was going to argue but, after a second, he simply reached for another one and lit it again. It might have been because of Alec that Raphael let it slide where he’d normally protest. Magnus wasn’t sure and didn’t ask.

“You could’ve called it off,” Raphael said finally.

Key word: could’ve, past tense. Magnus wanted to snap at him for bringing it up at all. He’d been hoping they’d pointedly avoid the topic for the rest of eternity. “No, I couldn’t have,” he said simply, blowing out a puff of gray smoke as he did.

Raphael shrugged. “Maybe not,” he admitted. He lowered the cigarette from his lips, flicking the ash to the ground. “What if he’s in there?” he asked.

“What if?” Magnus posed in return. He knew what Raphael was asking, but pretended that he didn’t. He wasn’t sure what answer Raphael wanted him to give. He wasn’t sure he wanted to say the answer out loud.

Before Raphael could say anything else, Lily appeared in the doorway she’d disappeared through nearly three minutes before. She wore a tight black dress with heels and a pistol strapped to her thigh. For anyone else it would have been an issue but, with Lily, Raphael and Magnus both knew that she was just as capable no matter what shoes she was wearing. Lily raised her hand towards them.

Magnus dropped his cigarette to the ground. Raphael nodded towards her, took a long drag of his cigarette, and then did the same. No words needed to be exchanged for them to all understand what was going on. In the simple motion, Lily had told them that the cameras inside were off and that, just as planned, no one had seen her.

Magnus crushed the cigarette under the heel of his boot before he started to make his way towards the rest of their crew, about five men that he knew each by name. Some of them, he’d trained himself. Some of them had come already trained and eager to make some money doing something distasteful. All of them were trustworthy.

“You know the plan,” Raphael said as they reached them.

There were a couple of nods and a few grunts of approval before they all turned and started heading towards the door that Lily was still holding open with her stiletto. Normally, they’d all have continued walking inside without another word. There was nothing else to say but, as they reached the door and Magnus moved to dart after Lily, who’d ducked inside again, Magnus froze.

His hand clenched on the door, holding it half open, letting no one move past him. Magnus took a slow deep breath before he turned to eye all of their men, his gaze suddenly hard. “There’s a man named Alexander that might be inside,” Magnus snapped. “He has dark hair, tall, a scar across his left eyebrow. If he’s here, you don’t shoot him. You save him for me.”

Magnus’ tone left no room for questions, so no one dared to open their mouth and ask one. He turned to continue inside again, meeting Raphael’s eyes for just a second. Even Raphael said nothing, but his expression said enough.

Magnus looked away and when he finally walked inside, he didn’t look back.

Inside, everything went off without a hitch. Magnus sat back and observed, propping himself up against a wall. Truthfully, he didn’t have to be here. Everyone knew he didn’t. Either he or Raphael should be there in case something went wrong, as this was a big hit against a dangerous person, but they’d been planning this for so long. Nothing could go wrong. Camille had no clue they were here, as planned. She had no time to stop them and they’d be gone before she figured out it was them. They didn’t both need to be there.

Yet, Magnus had come. He liked to pretend he didn’t know why. Maybe, he just felt like getting out. Maybe, he felt like getting his hands dirty after a dull couple of weeks. Still, Magnus knew that it was neither of those things.

He’d come for Alec. He’d come on the off chance that his life was unfair enough for him to really be here. At first, he’d just thought it was a matter of honor. If Alec was here, he wasn’t going to let him die, afraid, with a gun held against his head, wondering what he’d done wrong. Magnus would do it quickly. He wouldn’t make him suffer. Maybe Alec wouldn’t even see the gun coming.

Alec didn’t deserve to die scared. Magnus owed him that much.

Now, Magnus thought he was a fool for coming. He watched as their men worked their way through the building, silently taking everyone out until there was no one left. He didn’t ask if they’d found Alec. They’d have told him if they had.

Magnus would have breathed out a sigh of relief, if he wasn’t acutely aware of the fact that Raphael was watching him, though he had enough tact to pretend that he wasn’t. Magnus had the fleeting urge to leave and go spend the rest of his evening somewhere more pleasant, but that would just make it blatantly obvious he’d only come in case Alec was here, wouldn’t it? He pulled himself off the wall and made his way across the big empty room, towards the storage. Raphael pulled the door open. There was a man there who instantly jumped out, apparently dumb enough to think he’d try to tackle one of them. He’d probably heard the gunshots and thought catching them by surprise the moment the door opened was the only way he’d survive. Maybe, he’d been planning to try to grab one of their guns.

Either way, the man didn’t take him by surprise and he didn’t get close enough to grab anyone’s gun. Magnus pulled the pistol from his holster and shot him before the man probably realized Magnus had pulled the gun on him.

Magnus slipped the gun back into its place and stepped around the body now slumped on the ground. His eyes flickered up to the large shipping crates, all marked in red lettering, ‘fragile’.

It almost made Magnus laugh. It wasn’t fragile. It was drugs.

He nodded his head towards the crates. “Start moving,” he commanded.

In a matter of twenty minutes, they had well over a million dollars worth of drugs destroyed. They had considered taking them and turning a profit, but this was quicker, easier, and more of a hit to Camille anyway. They didn’t steal her drugs because this wasn’t about making money. They destroyed her drugs because she could go fuck herself.

He did notice in the back of his head that it seemed a couple of their men were missing but he didn’t think too deeply about it. Alec wasn’t here, their plan was going off without a hitch and quite frankly, Magnus hadn’t given a shit about what they’d gotten distracted by.

That was his first mistake. He let himself assume he was already in the clear when he wasn’t, not at all.

As they were finishing up, Magnus had to admit that he was bored.

Of course, he didn’t want something to go wrong but… There could have been a little bit of action thrown in. Things going well was good, but after worrying about today for the past week, he felt like the entire affair was a little anticlimactic. Tonight, Magnus would go home and nothing would have changed. Alec would wake up in the morning and learn about what had happened at the facility he’d been hired at for the week. He’d know he’d escaped death but he’d never know he’d come so close to having Magnus shoot him in his pretty head.

It was good. Magnus was relieved, but a small selfish part of him had been excited to see Alec as much as the rational part of his brain had been dreading it, knowing what would happen, what it would mean. There was just a childish part of Magnus that couldn’t think of seeing Alexander in any scenario and not feel excited about it. If he was seeing him again, it had to be something good, right?

But that wasn't how the world worked. Alec didn’t want to see him and to see him here today would mean Alec’s certain death. It was better for them both to never see each other again than for Magnus to find him here. Later, Magnus was sure he would lay in bed alone and be unable to think of anything but scenarios in which they’d meet again and this time, they’d work past everything that had forced them apart before.

It was the most painful, unrealistic dream that Magnus allowed himself.

They were ready to leave in about a half hour and Magnus hadn’t had to lift a finger, excluding the poor sap he’d shot. All of Camille’s guards were dead. All of her drugs had been destroyed. The police hadn’t been called. Everything had gone off without a hitch and Magnus felt as if he’d wasted his night when he could have been wallowing in his luxury apartment, thinking about romantic endeavors that were long gone and over with.

He was just about to leave Raphael to clean up when Elliott, one of their men that Magnus had only distantly realized was missing, reappeared in the doorway, looking right at him. “Bane?” he called cautiously.

Magnus turned and raised an eyebrow, the universal sign for him to hurry up and spit it out. On the outside, Magnus’ face was smooth and impassive but on the inside, he knew the moment Elliott spoke his name. Some part of him knew what he was about to tell him.

“The man you mentioned,” Elliott continued. “He’s upstairs. You said to leave him for you,” he reminded, as if Magnus could have forgotten.

Magnus wished he could say that he reacted instantly. He wished he could say that the knowledge of Alec being so close had his heart pounding in his chest with memories of every good moment they’d ever shared flashing behind his eyes. He wished he could say the dread had flooded him soon after, leaving him already mourning the horrifying reality of what was going to happen now.

In reality, Magnus didn’t react at all and the only thing he felt was an overwhelming numbness. None of it felt real. Alec couldn’t be here. Magnus had already resigned himself to having a boring night at home. Where was that boring night now? How could things have shifted so quickly, until he was standing here, knowing the man he’d been longing to see was so close and yet, dreading the moment he’d see him?

When Magnus failed to speak, Raphael himself stepped forward, “Alexander?” Raphael asked.

There was an edge to Raphael’s voice that Magnus knew made Elliott, and nearly everyone else, uneasy. Elliott shrugged as if he wasn’t. “I guess.”

Raphael turned to Magnus and they exchanged a few words at once without speaking. Raphael’s gaze looked cautious, like he wasn’t sure Magnus had the guts to do what needed to be done now, like he’d been hoping for any outcome except this so Magnus wouldn’t do something incredibly stupid that Raphael couldn’t stop.

Magnus wasn’t sure what his expression told Raphael but, for a moment, he looked like he was about to jump in and take over, so Magnus found himself speaking before he could.“Where is he?” he asked Elliott smoothly. Maybe, it wasn’t even Alec. There could be someone else here who looked like him but, even as Magnus rationalized it in his head, he knew that it was going to be Alec. Of course it would be Alec. Magnus wasn’t fortunate enough to live in a universe in which the torture of never seeing Alec again was punishment enough.

“I’ll show you,” Elliott said, before he was turning to walk back out of the room.

Magnus could do nothing but follow behind him.

Elliott led Magnus upstairs to what had to be an office. The door was closed but as they reached it, Elliott threw it open unceremoniously, giving Magnus no extra time to prepare himself. Perhaps if Elliott had understood the importance of this, he’d have hesitated a little more, but he didn’t. Magnus didn’t talk about Alexander. Of course no one but he and Raphael understood what was happening here. As the door opened, he made a point to keep his face blank.

He wasn’t even sure why. If he had to shoot him, what did it matter if Magnus showed emotion right now? Maybe it was just for his own sake. Maybe it was because he knew that if he showed emotion, any emotion at all, he might just crack and all of it would come spilling out — years and years worth of waiting for the moment to come where Alec would be in front of him, just to have it add up to this twisted version of his dream.

Alec had always been Magnus’ weakness. He did stupid things when it came to Alec. When Alec was around, nothing was more important than him. Not his own safety, not some plan, nothing. It was always Alec that Magnus made his decisions for. Sometimes, it wasn’t even a conscious choice. He just put Alec first when he was forced to decide and, having something like that, something that made you throw all reasoning out the window, was beyond dangerous.

He had let Alec go because he had to, but he’d also let him go because everyone was in danger when Alec was around. Magnus couldn’t think straight when it came to him. He never could. Ragnor had learned that lesson the hard way.

Now, Magnus was coming face to face with the one man he’d lost everything for and he knew he couldn’t do it again. Last time, Magnus had attended a funeral. He’d been a wanted criminal. He’d lost Alec. He’d lost Ragnor. He’d lost everything.

That had been the end of their story. Magnus had ruined everything trying to stop himself from losing Alec and, in the end, he’d lost him anyway, along with so much more. That was supposed to be the end of it all but here they were again, drawn together by some horrible twist of fate.

Alec looked horrified when Magnus saw him. He looked terrified. Magnus didn’t blame him. He would have been scared too, if he was on the ground, kneeling, with a gun held steadily against the side of his head. When Alec looked up and saw Magnus standing in the doorway, a couple of complicated things crossed his face all at once. There was one expression in particular that broke Magnus’ heart in two.

He looked confused. He looked like he wasn’t sure if he was seeing things correctly. He looked terrified. Then, he seemed to realize that he wasn’t mistaken and what he was seeing was real. Magnus was there in front of him and all at once, Alec’s face blossomed with a desperate kind of relief.

It was obvious that Alec didn’t know what was going on. He didn’t know what he’d done wrong to end up here. He didn’t know if he was going to live or die, but Magnus was there and, for a moment, Magnus could see plain on Alec’s face that he thought he was safe.

He thought Magnus was going to save him. He thought Magnus was going to protect him. He thought there was no way that Magnus would ever let anything bad happen to him. If Magnus was there, things had to be okay. Wasn’t that just the most heartbreaking thing Magnus had ever been forced to see?

“Magnus,” Alec breathed out. He didn’t move. He didn’t seem to dare, but his whole body swayed forward, as if desperate to be closer to Magnus even by an inch.

Magnus allowed himself just a moment to look and think. Ignoring everything else, he was struck by how beautiful Alec was. He always had been. No one had ever taken his breath away the way Alexander did and somehow, even after all these years, that hadn’t changed.

Magnus felt the gun heavy at his side. He knew that in a moment, he’d reach for the gun and he’d do what he had to do. He would shoot him, and he wouldn’t let his face give any indication that he cared. Alec would die here and Magnus would know for the rest of his life that they were really and truly over.

They’d been over for years now, but when one of them was buried in the dirt, it was different. It was a different kind of over. Before, Magnus could wonder if they’d run into each other. He could wonder if Alec would happen to be at a bar Magnus wandered into. He could wonder if they’d see each other at a Walmart and stop for a moment to talk and then realize they couldn’t live a single day more without each other. Magnus always wondered, no matter where he went.

After this, there would be no wondering ever again. He would know that Alec was dead and there was never going to be anything more for them.

Magnus wondered if Isabelle would invite him to the funeral. He wondered if she’d call to tell him what had happened or if they’d forgotten how tenderly he had loved Alec once, how tenderly they’d loved each other. He wondered if Alec’s family would even think of him, if they’d hear of their brother’s death and remember Magnus, not knowing he’d had been the cause of his death.

Magnus reached for the gun. He lifted it steadily. The barrel came to rest not even a few inches away from Alec’s head. He didn’t want to see the expression on Alec’s face when he realized what would happen now. He didn’t want to see him realize that Magnus was not going to protect him, that he couldn’t, but Magnus couldn’t look away either.

There were tears in Alec’s eyes and it broke Magnus’ heart. He wished this could have happened differently. He wished that they were alone, so that he could kneel and press his lips to Alec’s one more time. He wished that he could tell him how much he loved him, how much he always had, and he wished that he could tell Alec he was sorry, at least once before he did it.

He wished he could take away his fear, so that he didn’t know what was coming but Magnus couldn’t. If he kissed Alec, he’d never shoot him. Kissing him now was as unrealistic as every other fantasy Magnus had ever had about them working out but he let himself imagine it for a moment anyway. He wondered what Alec was thinking as he watched the tears fall down his pretty cheeks and drip to the floor. He wondered if they were sharing the same impossible fantasy of one last kiss before it was over.

Magnus knew he had to shoot him. He’d do it and Alec’s body would collapse to the floor. He’d be dead before he even landed. Magnus would make sure of it. He wouldn’t let Alec suffer.

Magnus had to shoot Alec. There was no other choice here. Yet, he had always made impossible choices for Alexander. He lowered the gun. Then, he turned away. “Take him,” Magnus said simply. “He’s strong. Be careful, then bring him to my loft.”

Magnus saw Elliott nod. He was sure that Elliott was confused, but Magnus didn’t wait to see that expression on his face. He just started walking away and, as he heard the commotion behind him, a bitter smile crossed Magnus’ face. He had no doubts that Alec was putting up a fight.

Of course, Alec wouldn’t come easily. Nothing was ever easy with him. That was the curse that had always plagued them. If the only thing that mattered was love, he and Alec would have never left each other's side, but it wasn’t that easy and it never would be, especially not for them.

Magnus walked downstairs. He told Raphael he was leaving and didn’t mention Alec to him. Someone else would later, he was sure. He wondered if Raphael would be surprised at what he’d done. He doubted it. Maybe Raphael had known all along what he’d do if Alec was there. Magnus wasn’t sure and he wasn’t going to ask.

Going to see Alec at all had been Magnus’ second mistake. He should have known he’d never be able to look at him and make any other choice than the one he’d made. Looking back on it, he should have sent Raphael to confirm it was really him and then he should have let them take care of it while he left.

Taking Alec was his third mistake, but it had been inevitable at that point.