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Chapter Text

After some weeks of living under the watchful eye of Nobunaga Oda, Ieyasu gave me a dagger. The previous day I’d admitted to him that I’d gone into the woods before. Somehow he knew not only that I’d been there more than once, but also that I’d do it again.

“I shouldn’t trust you with something like this” he said the next day “But if we end up finding you dead one day, Nobunaga won’t let us hear the end of it.”

It was then he showed me the dagger with an intricate pattern on both the hilt and sheath. For seeming so expensive, it was something to be looked at, and maybe I showed some surprise to Ieyasu.

“It looks feminine” he pointed out “Because it was meant for a woman’s personal defense. Now listen, before you take it out and show it, you need to want to actually use it.”

I wondered too many things I wouldn’t have gotten the answer to in that moment. Why did he have a dagger meant for women? What makes a dagger feminine? One would think the design just makes for a better grip on it. Regardless, the real surprise to me was that he was giving it to me in the first place. It was as if a man of my time gave me an expensive jewelry piece. The hilt and sheath either were made of gold or something that looked like it. And it figured that the design made on it meant that someone had taken a long time and put a lot of effort on something that I would end up having.

“I mean it” he said then, when he noticed I hadn’t taken it “If you hesitate with a weapon, it will be used against you. Do you understand?”

“Of course” I told him, trying to soften my voice to not seem too excited “Thank you so much.”

Keeping that in mind, I still went out to look for Kennyo. The last time I’d seen him, he’d started to strangle me. However, he wasn’t doing it with all his force, it seemed. I was starting to believe he just wanted to scare me then. In any case, he did something for me. And it felt wrong to accept his taking care of my injury, even if small, without replacing the towel he tore for me.

...

I was found, not by Kennyo. Once I was deep enough into the woods for nobody else to hear from the town, I started hearing crunching leaves as if someone was walking towards me. Soon I noticed there were multiple ones, too many for there to just be one person approaching me.

“Hello there.” I heard an unfamiliar voice behind me, and then the sound of him sprinting towards me. As I turned around, he jumped at me. From instinct I tried to push him away, as I heard that he kept talking “Don’t make this difficult.”

“And don’t scream” another one said, as he was getting closer to me “Well, not unless you’re enjoying yourself.”

That last phrase actually made me feel cold for a second, and at that point I somehow trusted myself enough to think I wouldn’t hesitate to injure someone, so I pulled the dagger from my kimono and held it high with the point downwards and towards them, as if I had been thinking of stabbing their skulls. The one that had spoken last got away from me a few steps when he saw the dagger. The first man kept himself in the same place, eyes locked with mine. I aimed at his throat, but stopped myself. Only a fraction of a second later, he took my arms to make sure I wouldn’t continue. I heard the other man get closer to me again, but then there was another set of footsteps.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Kennyo’s voice sounded deeper than I remembered it, even.

“Who is this?” the one who I wasn’t pointing at with the dagger said to the other. Kennyo sprinted towards him.

“He’s just some monk” the one closest to me said as Kennyo got closer and he could figure it out by the clothes.

“Monk?” I could hear the other said before he was knocked out with the lower end of Kennyo’s staff.

“(y/n)!” I heard him say, and then walk towards me. By the time I said ‘Kennyo’, he’d noticed my dagger and taken it already. The next word in my mind was ‘what’, and for a moment my hands still held nothing in the air as if I had the dagger still. He didn’t look at me. He just stabbed the man’s throat. My view of stabbing usually meant the chest. I hadn’t seen anyone stab throats, not even in movies. Blood rushed out. I took more than a few steps away from both of them. It was as if I expected something else to happen. But what else would happen if you stab someone?

For a few more seconds, Kennyo didn’t look at me. He was just looking at the man, maybe to make sure he was dead. I said his name again.

“Kennyo” and this made him turn around to look at me. It was at least five seconds, and I found no emotion that I could distinguish on his face. He then looked at my dagger. It was covered in blood, the whole blade and some of the hilt. There was even blood still dripping down the hand he used with it.

“I’m sorry” he then said “This wasn’t mine, and I got it dirty.”

“It’s alright” I just thought of saying. I wouldn’t have been able to think of another phrase in these circumstances. “You saved me.”

“Anyone would have done that.” he said as he kneeled down on the grass. He pressed the flat of the blade against a group of leaves on the ground, and I just stared at his action. He did the same with the other side.

Without looking at me, he kept talking “I told you to stay away from the woods.”

He took the blade with his hand, and wanting to say something else in reaction to this, I only said “Yes”. With the other hand, he took a part of his outer robe and wiped the hilt with it. Still with his left hand on the blade, he pointed the grip at me.

“Thank you.” I said again.

There was still some blood on it, but I was more worried about being impolite than about being unhygienic, so I took it.

“Why have you come here?” he then asked.

“Oh, that’s right” I said “I wanted to give this to you.”

I tried to reach for the towel as quickly as possible. It was very likely that he could see me trembling by the way my hands searched for it inside the kimono. His eyes narrowed when he saw what it was.

“A towel” he called it. I stretched my arm for him to take it. He responded by just looking at it.

“Why do you do this?” I heard him say, closer to a whisper, as he still looked at it.

“Just take it.” I said. “You used one with me on that wound the other day. Remember?”

“You mean the time I grabbed you by the throat?” he said, and even smiled. I wasn’t sure what to make of that sort of smile, the half-smile with narrowing eyes that I knew him for.

“Listen, just take the towel.”

He looked at it for a few more seconds and then at me. Then he grabbed it. But that wasn’t all.

“Never come back into the woods.” he said “You seem to forget you’re very useful to me as a hostage. If there’s a next time you come, there will be no telling what I’ll do to you.”

I wasn’t doubting him. He’d shown to be very willing to kill, although he also seemed to be able to feel compassion for others. It figures he wouldn’t be the temple’s abbot if he had no values whatsoever. But there was a lot more I hadn’t yet known about him, and I was starting to get curious.

“What would you actually do?” I knew I was challenging him at this point, but he seemed to be in a nice mood at this moment, so I felt he would only threaten me at most.

“Don’t think I won’t kill you, (y/n).” he said. “I have nothing against you. But when I think of that Devil… There’s little I wouldn’t do to end him.”

It was odd. He was willing to kill me, but not yet, and not by letting me get killed.

“Well, why would you save me if you wouldn’t mind me dead?” I asked.

His reaction was almost offended. His eyes actually got wider, something that I don’t remember having seen on him before.

“Innocent, naive woman.” he said to me “Those men wouldn’t kill you. They were planning to force themselves upon you.”

I was about to answer, I don’t know with what. But he cut me off again.

“You’re not safe here. With anyone. Now leave.” he said, and turned around to keep walking. I decided not to follow him. For one, because he was right. Ieyasu even had warned me about hesitating, and it seemed as if by doing it I was making myself more vulnerable. I wish I had a way of explaining to all these men that killing wasn’t that simple for me.

...

As soon as I secured the dagger in its sheath and inside the kimono again, I walked directly towards the Azuchi castle. Wandering about suddenly didn’t seem so fun, and it would be getting dark soon, regardless. The blood on the blade was covered by the sheath now, but there was still some on the hilt, and if Ieyasu or anyone else were to see it, I would have to do a lot of explaining. I decided from the beginning not to lie, should things turn out that way. If they had to deal with Kennyo being the one to save me, so be it.

“You seem rather pale” Ieyasu said as soon as he saw me inside the castle “Just like last time.”

Chapter Text

“Don’t worry about me.” I told him, trying to end the conversation by implying he cared about me at all. “It’s just really cold outside.”

That was true. But it wasn’t enough for Ieyasu. “I don’t worry about you. I just want to make sure you’re not doing anything that could affect us.”

“I’m not” I just said, bowed with maybe some sarcasm, and started walking towards my room. What I didn’t expect was for him to follow me there. Once both of us were in my room, he lightly tugged at the sleeve of my kimono.

“(y/n), tell me what’s happening.” he said. It was too strange. I wasn’t sure if he, for the few weeks we’ve known each other, started caring enough about me to ask about my problems, or it was that he already suspected I’d met an enemy.

At this point, I’d known that he’d be insisting on it, regardless of what reasons he had. I sighed while I thought of his reaction to the dagger if I showed it to him then, but I hadn’t meant to sigh. The next thing I did was reach for the dagger, but it suddenly made sense to think that the gesture would come off as aggressive without context.

“Some men in the woods… I went into the woods. Two men, they wanted to rape me.”

His eyes first widened, and I was able to see the whole iris of both. Then he frowned. Either he was surprised at the event itself or the fact that I had been so blunt about it with my choice of words.

“Did you defend yourself?” he asked, then whispered “Did they touch you anywhere?”

“No” I said “Well, I reached for the dagger, but I couldn’t do it. I know what you said to me. I’m sorry. It’s just that… in the moment-”

“(y/n)!” he said. I first thought he’d be angry. But a closer look at his face and a pause told me he was just thinking of what else to say “Who were they? Who the fuck-?”

“No, wait. Let me explain. They didn’t… Someone else rescued me. He…” I paused to no reach for the dagger.

“He killed one of them.” I showed it to him. “I think he’s dead, at least.”

He took the dagger, in a motion softer than I had expected to feel.

“Who was that, then?” he asked.

“I don’t know, just a monk who lived in the woods, I guess.”

This was enough to incriminate Kennyo specifically, I realized as soon as I was done saying that. I decided not to tell more details and pretend I hadn’t before made the connection between the man I saw when I saved Nobunaga and the man they talked about as Kennyo.

“A monk stabbed a man?” he asked, and then looked into my eyes “What did he look like? Did he have a scar on his face?”

“No, I mean… I didn’t see him that well. He just gave me the dagger back and left.”

I had before told myself not to lie and make things more complicated, but I had no reason to put Kennyo at risk after he’d saved me.

“I see.” he just said, and left the room.

The next morning, I was taking a break from repairing a kimono, and I decided to wander around the castle. For a few seconds I walked silently past Masamune’s room. I stopped as soon as I heard Ieyasu’s voice.

“...likely that Kennyo is currently living on the woods not too far from this very castle.” he said.

“What makes you think that he’s that close?” Masamune asked. There was a pause before Ieyasu answered.

“There was… an attempt on (y/n) last night.” he replied “She said she was saved by a buddhist monk who stabbed one of the attackers.”

“Well” Masamune said in the tone I recognized as amused “Kennyo’s not the first monk that’s ever killed, but which other would come that close to the Azuchi castle precisely when Uesugi and Takeda have recently started an alliance? Rather convenient.”

“Hm. I was thinking of Nobunaga. Is it convenient to bring it up immediately?” Ieyasu asked “Not like I wouldn’t trust his judgement, but he seems to react oddly when it’s about (y/n).”

“He might overreact” Masamune said “But it’s better to waste a day searching and be sure.”

With this, I slowly went back, glancing behind me a few times. Once I was far enough from them that I knew they couldn’t hear me, I put the kimono away. The last thing I did before leaving the castle was taking the dagger. I left with the excuse of needing something for the kimono.

I went directly towards the woods, although slowly to seem casual.

…

After a while I started to notice the sound of my own footsteps on the leaves, and looking around in front of me, I noticed at least one set of footprints and one set of prints made by something like sandals.

I advanced deeper into the woods and away from town. A strong smell that I had noticed before became stronger then. It was putrid and a bit sweet, like rotting meat and a teaspoon of potpourri. Not long after, I saw a patch of ground in front of me that was slightly raised, and the soil seemed softer and crumbly. A few flies stood on it. I knew what it was immediately, but I looked around for a stick long enough to poke around and see if it was the only person that I’d seen die. I pressed the end of the stick furthest from me to where I figured an arm or leg would be. With this I revealed first a bit of fabric from a robe, and under it an unmoving maggot. As I expected, the robe’s color was that of the man from the previous night. The man that had grabbed me and that Kennyo stabbed in the throat.

This made me drop the stick and leave it there before just walking deeper even. I’m not sure when I started dry heaving, but by that time the smell was far away from me. It was the sheer memory of the smell that was still vivid in my mind that disgusted me. And maybe, as I was conscious again of the feel of the dagger in my kimono, I was disgusted with myself and trying to protect an enemy of the men who’d protected me for nothing in return. But I had just seen a corpse for the first time, and I wouldn’t be able to imagine Kennyo as one.

“Kennyo!” I shouted as I thought of that “Kennyo!”
I’d been sitting down beside a tree for some minutes when I heard not only the crunching of leaves, but the tinkling of a buddhist staff.

“(y/n)” I heard his voice say softly from a distance. So softly that before I was able to see him, I believed I’d heard something that never was. But then I saw his purple and golden robe.

“Kennyo” I called out, finding myself smiling despite having seen his victim some minutes before.

I could have sworn he was also making that half-smile as we approached each other, but when he was right in front of me, there was just a glare. Of course, a glare I’d known from him, but I didn’t expect it after I rescued his pet and he saved me from a potentially traumatic experience.

“Why are you here?” he whispered. “I told you not to come again. Don’t tell me you want to thank me.”

Even though his gaze was severe, I wasn’t scared enough to not be able to speak.

“No” I started “I… need to tell you something. I think the Oda will come to search for you here.”

What he gave me was the usual expression, the one that was hard to read.

“Why have you told them?” he asked “After I let you go.”

“No. I didn’t! Kennyo, one of them saw the dagger. It still had some blood on it. He asked me. I said what happened but not who it was who rescued me. I heard them discussing coming here later. I don’t know how they thought it was you.”

Yes, I was partly lying. I did mention it had been a monk, but now the last thing that it made sense to do was to make him think I’d done it all intentionally.

He sighed.

“If I had known, I wouldn’t have bothered to help you yesterday.” he said. It was soft enough to seem as if he was talking to himself. That’s what bothered me. It didn’t seem like he was trying to scare me, but like he was actually hurt by what he believed to be my betrayal.

“You don’t mean that.” I still said “I didn’t want this to happen. I tried to protect you, I didn’t tell them who you were!”

“Protect me?” he asked. His gaze only became more emotionless with each phrase he said.

“W… well-”

“Enough!” he raised his voice for the first time. Then he studied my reaction to that for a few seconds. I probably looked a bit shocked, but I wasn’t sure of my appearance until my vision became blurry.

His response was to extend a hand towards my face, but he stopped himself when his fingers were close to my cheek.

“I told you not to come back” he was speaking softly again. “I believe you. But it makes no difference now.”

At this point, a tear was falling down my cheek. He looked at me and I felt he specifically stared at my tears. I wasn’t able to move then. And even if I did manage to find the way back into town, if he caught me he’d just be angrier after that. An arm of his suddenly was on my back, and he kneeled slightly to have his other arm on the back of my knees. I wasn’t sure if he heard me gasp, but in any case my strength wouldn’t allow for much more than to support myself with a hand on his shoulder. Only after a few seconds I realized that I was being bridal-carried, and he was walking deeper into the woods.

“I don’t want to disrespect you by touching you” he said as he walked “But you know how it is with Nobunaga Oda. I warned you last time. I told you I’d do anything, didn’t I?”

I was conscious enough to remember what he was referring to.

“You said there was little you wouldn’t do.” I replied.

“Yes” he said “I did say that. But I haven’t yet found something I wouldn’t do to kill Nobunaga.”

We were silent most of the walk. That was until we reached a sort of small fort hiding among more inaccessible parts of the forest. I noticed he was slower when carrying me and walking through the rockier parts.

“Let me down” I said to him “I won’t run away.”

It was true. He’d given a walk that was anything but straight, and I didn’t know the forest as well as him. There was basically no choice but to stay wherever he told me.

He didn’t answer. The fort, I could see now, was either a cave or disguising as one.

Once he let me down, he looked around. For more than a minute, he didn’t look at me.

“You didn’t try to fight me.” he said, although not in a surprised tone. Like he was starting to understand what to expect from me.

“Well… no. I wouldn’t have been able to escape anyway.”

I heard a deep breath from him. Then, he turned around to face me again.

“I’ll do my best to keep you alive and well. At least until the Oda arrive.” he said to me.

I knew better than to say thanks. I only nodded. More than anything, I was starting to wonder how he’d be able to do that. It was a cold place, with probably not enough food for even his own followers. I had no other clothes than the ones I wore in that moment. At least I could feel the weight of the dagger still with me, and knew better than to hesitate again.

Chapter Text

At least a couple of hours had passed since I had taken you hostage. There was little to entertain you with, so I started to talk. It was something I’d regret later.

“I’m not so sure Oda Nobunaga will come.”

“What makes you so sure? Would he pass on an opportunity to kill you?” you didn’t look at me as you said that. It was just an emotionless expression as if you were trying to imitate mine.

“I think he’d rather not risk himself unnecessarily” I said “Even though he’s so willing to waste other’s lives.”

With this, you started to lie more than sit on the cave’s floor. My words weren’t hopeful thinking. I wanted Nobunaga to come for you. Not just so that I could have an opportunity to kill him, but so that you could go back to the castle instead of trying to rest on the rocky ground. From the few times I’d seen you, it was obvious you were among the most delicate women I’d met. Not something I’d look down on, as Nobunaga probably would. People rarely value things like compassion and kindness. Being vulnerable didn’t come without faults, but it was like nothing else to know that you share space with someone who doesn’t know the feeling of having killed a person.

“I believe he’ll come personally.” you said “Even if it’s just for me.”

That was another problem of being so naive.

“Do you think he cares about you?”

“I think he does” you said, looking away from me to hide your blushing, maybe from knowing you were lying to yourself.

“You won’t ever be more than property to him.” I said. I wasn’t sure what I was trying to get across by saying that, so I said nothing else. Maybe you were just as confused, or just didn’t say anything else because there was nothing else to be said.

It wasn’t necessary to wait even an hour more. The evening had started when the multitude of footsteps approached and they were impossible not to recognize. They would not have arrived on horses since it would just prove to be a burden for the unpredictable masses of trees.

“They’re here” you said.

For a while I’d known you were hiding a dagger of sorts inside the kimono. Only by the way you constantly felt around your waist, as if making sure it was still there. Obviously you were inexperienced with weapons, and it wouldn’t be hard to just take it. But it had to be done before they saw you with me. The sound of the strong footsteps became quickly louder.

“Forgive me” I said to you, knowing the phrase could catch you off-guard and make it easier for me “I must do this.”

As I said that last word, I reached inside your kimono and, as expected, you were too shocked to immediately react. It was sad that the shock could have been from expecting better of me. Not even a second after the gesture, I found the dagger’s hilt and took it out.

My warriors were all close, by far outnumbering the small troop Nobunaga had brought, which even included some warlords I’d find valuable to have dead.

“Kennyo” I heard with your voice, but I didn’t look at anything but Nobunaga among the other men approaching us.

He was in the middle of the group, but not in front of the rest. Even though they walked fast, it was easy to feel the footsteps of my warriors behind us and towards them. Under different circumstances, I’d rather not threaten your life, but I kept trusting myself it was all for the greater good. For now, I only held the dagger close to your throat but not in contact with it.

“Enough with this playing around, hand her over.” Nobunaga said. His smug smile betrayed his pretending to worry about you.

“Not what I have planned.” I said. A few moments after this, I started hearing the fast, sprinting steps of the warrior monks. They stopped on the top of the cave and around it, facing the Oda from what I could hear. Once I heard them stop, Nobunaga and the others looked at me and you.

“You really went this low.” was barely audible with Ieyasu’s voice.

There was no one but me he could have been saying that to. He wasn’t wrong, but I had no reason to take it from an Oda ally. But I noticed he was staring at you the whole time. It landed on me that you wouldn’t have gotten a hold of any blade unless one of them in the Azuchi castle gave it to you. It had to be him.

“Nobunaga. I propose you either end this now by dying today or killing us all.”

“Stop this right now, Kennyo.” you pleaded. But this was all exactly what I’d been hoping for.

…

Spears and the naginata had proven to be superior in some ways to katana. The samurai opted for the latter because they were easier to carry around, but a blade is something you have to protect as much as use to attack. If you can only use the blade, it dulls easily against metal, and it’s just used as a blunt force weapon. A wooden pole by itself is a weapon and can dodge blades even if it gets damaged in the process. But the metal reinforcements on it could make it faster to dull a blade if it was used enough times. The blade was to be used if nothing else made sense. The point, at least at this time and for this encounter, was to prolong the struggle as much as possible. In a way, the point was to survive, or to survive for longer, if anything.

The warlords were obviously skilfull, and that’s what made them so loved and feared, I had to admit, even if it was their only positive attribute. But much could be said about the passion my men felt for the idea of killing Nobunaga Oda, and that some passion would translate into hours of training every day on end, with the knowledge that the biggest disgrace was cowardice against the enemy. ‘He who advances is sure of salvation, but he who retreats will go to hell’.

…

I hadn’t noticed that for a while my fingernails had been digging into your neck. But I still was focused on the warriors on my side surviving and hopefully draining the sharpness off the Samurai’s weapons.

Nobunaga hadn’t been able to strike the monk he fought, but had hit the armour more than a few times. At least it could be said he knew when it was best to leave it at that for the time being.

“Enough” I eventually heard that familiar and grating voice shout “This is not what we came here to do. All will retreat now.”

He turned to look at me as his blade and a monk’s stopped each other.

“I will have no mercy on you or any monk if something happens to (y/n)!” he said.

That was the last thing he said before they all turned around to leave, all discussing loudly with Nobunaga on the way out. Somehow I was more irritated having his back to me, but I wouldn’t expect the warriors to follow him and risk themselves to end a temporary truce.

“I think you can stop now.” you said to me then, a weak and shaky voice. I still held the dagger. Not near your throat, which was now on my other hand, but I grabbed your neck as well. I did stop, only until then, but said nothing else.

“Will I be here until tomorrow?” you asked.

“Yes” was all I could say.

I didn’t know what other issues there could be with that. I’d be inconvenient for you, and not ideal for me either.

“Will you give me the dagger back when you let me go?” you then asked.

“Of course. You need it to defend yourself.”

After giving me one last glance, probably making a note of the irony of my reply, you started walking. Towards the South, even farther from the Azuchi castle.

“Wait” I needed to say before you got away “Don’t go too far. It’s getting dark. Stay where I can see you.”

“Yeah” you just said, not even turning around, before you started walking away from me.

It wasn’t raining, but there was a coolness on the air that almost felt like the air before rain. It could have made one think it was the early morning. While you were gone I still had to cook something, and figure out how to make sure you would sleep protected from the cold.

In fact, shelter was always more urgent for survival than food. It was getting dark fast, and because of that I decided to extend my own bed instead of making a new one, just adding a layer of straw beside it and extend the futon.

Eventually it was fully dark, except for the stars and the fraction of moon that could be seen above us. I walked towards you until you turned around.

“Come back near the cave.” I said before you could say anything “I’ve made dinner.”

‘Dinner’ was an overstatement. It was millet porridge. Far from what you were probably used to on the Azuchi castle. I didn’t bother to ask you if you liked it after you took the first bite. Instead you made a comment I didn’t expect.

“Why are you feeding me?” you asked.

“I have to keep you alive. You already know that.”

This was followed by a phrase that surprised me even more.

“People can survive several days without food. I’m sure you knew that.”

Was it possible that you knew it because you’d already gone through starvation at some point? Unlikely, although I know little of Nobunaga’s ways of torture.

But it was strange. He had referred to you by name

“How do you know that?” I had to ask.

You stirred the bowl of porridge.

“It’s common knowledge in… where I come from.”

“Hm. Now that you mention it, you do have an accent I’m not familiar with.” I said.

You were silent after that, and just kept eating while looking towards the place you’d been walking around some minutes ago. Now that I had essentially promised you food, I had to go look for more. I knew enough about edible fruits to find some around us.

And I also wondered where you came from, but I decided not to seem like I wanted information from you. One last look at you reminded me of something I would have rather not needed to say, but it was just the smart thing to do.

“Listen.” I said “Please don’t… try to run away as we sleep. I’m sure you thought of it. You’ll get lost and die. Too many different kinds of people lurk around here. There’s no way you could make it back into town.”

“Yes” you started, still looking away from me “I had thought of it. But I wasn’t going to do actually do it. I mean, you have my only weapon after all.”

I felt a frown on myself when I heard that.

“I wouldn’t kill you for trying to escape. My only responsibility with you is keeping you alive.”

“No” you said, turning finally to look at me with a slight frown. The closest I’d seen you to being angry at that point “I meant that I wouldn’t be able to defend myself out there without it.”

That made sense. You were so trusting of me, or at least were very convincing when pretending to. However, I still had the suspicion in the back of my mind that you’d feel an irrational impulse in the middle of the night to escape. Now sleeping beside you meant another advantage aside from the heat it would provide. But I still had to find something convincing enough to make you lie by my side on your own will.

Chapter Text

Now I was dreading what awaited me at nighttime. Maybe sleeping on the floor of a dark cave with no protection from the cold or from people who might want to kill me. Kennyo’s eyes were fixated on my now empty bowl of porridge.

“I think it will rain tomorrow.” he said. I’m not sure what that was meant to imply.

“Yes.” I just replied.

He looked at the sky and closed his eyes. The way he would breathe when meditating was very specific, like breathing while thinking of it instead of as an instinct. Then his head went down again with his face towards me, as if he could look at me through his eyelids. I kept watching him, not thinking that he’d open his eyes and notice me staring. It was impossible not to be curious on what he even meditated about.

Figures that it was about himself, and his relations with other people. Very little of his life had been spent with me, but I still wondered if he thought of me, what I seemed like to him. Maybe I appeared very delicate and princess-like to him, unlike how I was to the men in the Azuchi castle, who would make fun of me but tell me I was playing the part well out of politeness. I hadn’t even learned to do any hairstyles that were considered feminine at this time. At least I’d made a kimono for myself. Rarely did I sew something for myself, but I wanted to wear something I’d made, and ended up liking what I ended up with once. It was light purple, and as the fabrics of this time were not that easy to take care of, I’d rather not lose it or get it dirty in a way difficult to fix. But of course I’d brought no other clothes with me, so taking it off at any point would be a double-edged sword. If he’d made sure to make me dinner, it was likely he’d already thought of my sleeping situation.

After a while, as he still meditated, I went into the cave to hide from the rain in case it would start soon. Walking into it for a few seconds got me into a slightly warmer section, where I found a big futon laid over a thick layer of straw. It was a pretty big bed. I had to reason to believe it was specifically his, but it seemed to be made for two people anyway.

There turned out to be no quiet moments in the woods at night. I went outside just for the sake of leaving the cave, and the outside showed to be noisier than I remembered it.

“Do you want to sleep now?” he asked.

At this point he was standing, his body facing towards me as if he was expecting me to get out of the cave at that moment.

“I’m not sleepy right now.” I said, knowing that the bed I found was very likely for both of us.

“You won’t be cold. Don’t worry.” he said. Yes, I was starting to be sure about that.

“Go back inside” he said in reply to my silence “I’ll make a fire near the entrance of the cave.”

“Where do your vassals- or I guess warriors, sleep?” I wanted to ask.

“There’s other suitable places nearby. I sleep here because it’s closest to the enemy.” he said.

Not like that fully answered my question. I still went back into the cave, but I faced him for some seconds before that. We looked at each other.

He did make a fire near the cave’s entrance. Sexual symbolism aside, a cave did remind one of humidity and warmth. I remembered having seen (during the time I knew as the ‘present’) some shunga art that depicted monks. Maybe it only happened because the painters found in it a way to mock being devoted to religion and still not being able to let go of things that were just part of being human. But it was likely that they were just made because the representations of monks in sexual acts was something they found either funny, interesting or erotic. Or all of them.

Kennyo would stare at the fire as if it was answering the questions he thought of in that moment. It helped me, because then he wouldn’t notice me constantly glancing at him. Eventually I felt myself taken by a strong sense of calm, and a desire to keep hearing the outside noises of small animals and the wind blowing among the trees. And my eyelids kept going down.

“I’m going to sleep.” I said, starting to stand up and turning my back towards him.

“Alright” he whispered, and I heard him starting to stand too, behind me.

I tried to glare at him as I turned my head back to look at him, trying to give a look like ‘you don’t have to come with me’, but he either didn’t understand it or pretended not to.

“This way.” he said to me before he started walking in front of me and went exactly to where I figured he would.

“Oh” I couldn’t avoid voicing when we came into the section with the one large futon.

“This is your bed. I’ll sleep right beside you to give you some warmth.”

“Right beside me, on the floor, you mean?”

“Yes” he just said.

I wasn’t sure what made me more uncomfortable: the idea that I was making him sleep on the cold floor right beside a warm bed or that the alternative was sleeping together with no division between us. Of course, I knew he was a religious man and would supposedly not try it, but how much? And besides, it was the idea of sleeping next to a man itself that bothered me, even with the certainty of no sex taking place.

“I don’t know, Kennyo…” I started to lay down my thoughts directly “I mean, I’m not sure if I’d let you sleep with me, but I don’t want you to sleep on the floor like that.”

Maybe I was starting to like the idea of sleeping right beside him, even. He had given me food and safety, and now could give me more warmth by being right beside me with no barriers.

“I can sleep a perfect 10 hours on some grass if I decide to.” he said.

“I see” I can only think of as a reply “Well, I see you don’t have an issue with it. But I imagine it will be at least warmer for both of us if you’re inside the futon with me. It’s big enough, anyway.”

Strange that now I was trying to convince him to do exactly what I feared he would try to convince me of. He looked at me and I saw his lips curling to that half-smile. I was used to that sinister look. But what he said wasn’t at all what I’d expect from that grin.

“Yes, probably. But I’d rather not touch a member of the fairer sex. Unless it’s absolutely necessary.” he said to me.

“Alright” I said, understanding that I would probably find it uncomfortable eventually to have had him brushing against me anyway.

“I have to say” he went on “I’m flattered that you seem to trust me enough to propose that.”

“It’s just a matter of convenience.” I was quick to say. “For both of us. But it’s really not a big deal, it was just an idea.”

“Of course.” he said, and sat down on the floor beside the futon. He still smiled as he lied down.

There was no other response to this than to get on the futon myself and make a genuine effort to fall asleep quickly. Almost immediately, he got closer and supported himself on his left side, facing towards me. His arm then went over my chest and his hand was close to my shoulder on the side furthest from him. This was, more or less, something that qualified as touching the opposite sex, although there were at least four layers of fabric between my actual body and the skin of his arm. It was easy to feel the warmth increasing between us. What I felt was not so much an emotion. It was more like protection. I really did dare to have a strong sense of safety only because his arm was over my body. I decided to say nothing and instead assume he was already asleep or almost so, but I stared at the cave’s ceiling, unrecognizable as anything but darkness.

…

I had forgotten what the morning looked like in these woods. Maybe I had even believed as I fell asleep that I’d never see it again. I wasn’t sure what the dream of that morning had been about, but when I had fully woken up and even noticed that Kennyo wasn’t there anymore, I got a familiar sensation that wasn’t gone by waking up. As soon as I recognized it, the first thing I did was jump out of the futon and stand up so quickly that it caused me a moment of dizziness. The obvious next thing to do was to check the futon itself. It wasn’t stained at all, fortunately. Although the lining of my inner kimono did have a red spot that still appeared to be fresh blood. I had to do something. It was the next thing I did: walk out of the cave and look around. My eyes went to the small fire Kennyo had built.

“Kennyo” I started to speak “I need something.”

It figured that it was best to fix it as quickly as possible.

“What is it?” he just said. Maybe he heard some stress on my tone of voice and decided to skip the formalities.

“I’m… I need something like a cloth, or something like that. Anything to stop or absorb bleeding.”

His expression was stoic as usual.

“Are you wounded?” he asked.

“No, not exactly.” I had to reply “It’s… well, I don’t think it’s something one would usually say out loud.”

I hadn’t seen that look on him before. That told me he understood even with my subtleties. It was something close to shock, but it faded in a second.

“Ah. I’ve never had to deal with that before. All my men are… men.” he said, low and almost to himself. I kept staring at him, mostly because I wasn’t sure of how to reply.

“Take this” he took the towel-like cloth he kept in his kimono and rolled it around his hand “Is this enough for some hours until the Oda come back?”

It seemed to be enough to make two multi-layered makeshift panties, so it was enough for the rest of the day.

“Yes” I said, getting closer to take it “Well, thank you, Kennyo.”

Because of my words he turned around to look away and rested his back on the tree right behind him.

“This is only the least I can do for you.” he said, with no hint of a smile despite the words themselves being kind.

I went back into the cave and wrapped the towel in a way it hugged my crotch and hips over itself a few times like a bandage. The process gave me a feeling of being able to do whatever movements I wanted to, but upon taking two steps I noticed I’d need to keep my thighs against each other to have it secured. I decided it was best to sit down for most of the day.

Later I was sitting on the entrance of the cave. There, a small animal approached me. It wasn’t too hard to identify her as Hozuki, Kennyo’s pet weasel. Apparently not a pet though, as much as an animal that liked to follow him around. She’d also taken a liking to me after I rescued her from being trapped once. That whole ordeal being precisely why I was there in the woods as a hostage at this point.

“Hozuki” I just called “I hadn’t seen you in a while.”

I didn’t care that I was talking to an animal. It was starting to get lonely anyway. In any case, Hozuki started running towards Kennyo when she noticed him. I turned around to find him actually walking towards me already. He was holding two small bowls of millet porridge. One of them, I could see from afar, had some sort of berries on top. When he arrived and sat beside me, I could see them better. The porridge was dense enough to have them almost standing on top still, not submerging at all.

“Here” he just said to me and handed that bowl to me “They’re edible. Don’t worry.”

“Thank you” I said, and took it while I convinced myself not to say anything else until he asked something.

Which he did.

“Do they have spices in the Azuchi castle? I wonder what they taste like.” he said.

Not what I had expected to have him ask me. I had imagined he’d rather not think of Oda and his allies at all.

“A few, yes, sometimes.” I replied, remembering how much more easy it was to get them in my own time, the so-called present “Ginger, sometimes pepper. I had cinnamon once as well.”

“Cinnamon. I’ve never heard of that.”

I reached for my memories of the spices as I tasted the porridge. But i was satisfied with the real taste of it, even in comparison to my thoughts.

“You must be bored” he said “Even Hozuki left us to explore the cave.”

While saying that last thing, I saw him smile. It was a different sight from the usual half-smile that said ‘I’ll hurt you’. I sighed, feeling myself smiling at this sight. In the times I called the present, I didn’t imagine I’d feel this way but there was something very attractive and manly about Kennyo. Maybe it was also my hormones, but his survivalist ways and the compassion he showed by protecting others (whether he’d like to admit it or not) was another type of manliness that I’d seen little of in other men of this time.

When he noticed my smile, his expression changed, like I guessed it would. He was looking at whatever was in front of him but far away, so looking at nothing at all, it seemed. By looking at his eyebrows I could notice he was frowning slightly.

“I’m not bored.” I said “I’m just calm.”

Chapter Text

“It turned out not to rain” I said after remembering his words of the previous night. It was midday.

“It still might” he said, looking at the sky.

We were walking around, I presumed just waiting for the inevitable moment the Oda would come back. At some point I wasn’t sure if I was really feeling little droplets on my hands. Of course that happened just as I had said it.

“Go into the cave” he then said “The rain will get stronger.”

As I went into it, he followed me to a part where no water seemed to be leaking. As soon as I found somewhere to sit, he started leaving. However, I hadn’t realized that it was because a group of his warriors were approaching the cave until I heard his voice say:

“What is it?”

And someone replied:

“We haven’t received orders regarding the Oda and what to do when they come.”

I wasn’t able to hear Kennyo’s response, and it took me a minute to figure out that he was probably using a lower voice to keep me from hearing. And even then, the rain was in fact getting louder and I couldn’t hear his voice at all. The slight pain I had started to feel in the morning was closer to unbearable at this point. Being alone, I felt free to groan a few times out of frustration.

“Are you hurt?” I then heard him ask, and then saw him walking towards me.

“No” I just said “I’m fine.”

He made a moment of silence as he stared at me, then looked at my belly. I hadn’t noticed that I was grabbing it until then, and at that moment I stopped.

“It won’t take long for the Oda to get here, I presume.” he said. It was meant to reassure me, but all it said to me at that moment was ‘you’re inconveniencing me being here.’

“Alright” I just said, and started to adjust my position to lie down. That usually made my cramps easier to deal with.

“In any case, I’ll be back in a few minutes.’’ was all he said before leaving again. I spent at least 10 minutes on my back doing nothing. As a hostage there was no duties for me. If I stayed there holding my belly for the rest of the day it was alright for all these people as far as I knew. But that was no comforting thought, because that wasn’t what I wanted to do. I was about to doze off right before he came back. Once Kennyo’s steps were clearly beside me, I opened my eyes.

“You don’t seem to have much energy,” he said. For some reason I felt insulted, like in my own times when someone told me I looked tired. But it was true.

“I guess I don’t.” I replied.

“Are you sick, then?” he then kept going. That’s when I knew I’d have to explain it all, so I sat down.

“No. I’m not sure if you know this, but women get pain in the lower abdomen when their menstruation begins sometimes. It’s a common thing.”

First he sat down beside me, at maybe an arm’s length. Then he looked at me in the eyes.

“I didn’t know.” he said “I don’t usually tend to women’s wounds or… well, at all.” he looked around the cave to avoid my gaze.

“Oh.” I could only think of as a response “Yes, I guess you’re not supposed to touch women or…?”

He looked at me again. That’s all it was, staring. For a few seconds, I imagined I’ve had a historical misconception that he was about to clear up. But I was right.

“A monk is not to touch women out of lust. There’s maybe some nuance to it. If I had to save your life or something of the sort.”

“Well, but how serious are you, really, about being completely orthodox when it comes to Buddhism?”

I don’t know what part of saying that felt like a good idea, but it had been done by the time I reflected on it. His gaze was still firmly on me, and it didn’t even seem like he was planning to respond. There were no more words between us until Hozuki appeared. She’d arrived at a good time. Her brown and white fur even made some contrast with the darkness in the cave. She came to Kennyo first, and he turned to look at her instead. It was now funny to notice that he didn’t tend to pet her. Maybe he figured that taking her as an actual pet would show attachment. But it was obviously a lost cause since the moment he named her.

“You’re not wrong about me.” he said, still looking at Hozuki “I’m aware that I pick and choose what I follow. But there’s no comparison between things like intimacy and things like murder.”

How stark it was every time someone mentioned sex and violence in the same breath and only used euphemisms for the first thing.

“But you have killed people.”

He still didn’t turn to look at me.

“Yes. And it’s all for an outcome that could make it all worth it. I’m not saying it’s good, but it has a motive, and it takes courage to be willing to sacrifice your life to end the warlords’ rule.”

I wasn’t well-versed enough in the politics of this time to know how to respond. When Hozuki came towards me, I just started stroking her fur and kept silent.

“Maybe that’s precisely what you don’t want if you’re a warlord’s concubine.”

“Huh?” I went, not expecting that comment “Who is anyone’s concubine?”

“I figured you were one.” he said, but immediately seemed surprised and regretful “I mean, you’re an attractive woman and live in the Azuchi castle. But I guess it’s none of my business, and I don’t want to know about it regardless.”

“I’m not Nobunaga’s concubine if that’s what you think. I’m not anyone’s.”

“No, I didn’t think you were his. He usually fights harder for his property.”

“I’m not-” I started but stopped myself, knowing it was useless. I just kept petting Hozuki with my fingers. The difference in my context with the one of the people of this time always came out in plain sight even if I could also see that they were just like me in other aspects. And now, even if I had been treated like an actual princess at this place, I wanted to leave the woods, leave even this place and this time.

“Please go outside for a moment.” I said when I started feeling tears forming on my eyes, still looking down to conceal them as I kept stroking Hozuki’s fur.

Instead of standing up, he leaned slightly closer, although he didn’t try to look at my face. Maybe because he could tell I was hiding it deliberately.

“I’m sorry. I was wrong.” he started “I didn’t mean to disrespect you with my words.”

I started to take deep breaths to avoid crying right then and there, and started realizing that part of this was just the pain from the cramps and the change in hormones. The other was that I still had to accept there were things I just couldn’t expect from men of this time.

“Alright” I said when I was able to speak again “It’s not a big deal. I’m just in some pain right now, I think it’s making me a bit more sensitive. You don’t have to leave.”

He seemed to be looking at my belly for a second.

“What would ease the pain?” he asked.

“I don’t think there’s any medicine available for it.” I said “But there’s less pain when I’m lying down, and when there’s warmth or I’m rubbing on it.”
He made silence for a second as I started to lie down again.

“I can rub your belly while you take a nap.”

I made it a point to smile as I replied, but it turned out to not feel forced at all “What are you talking about?”

“Not right on your skin” he said “I mean over your robe.”

I didn’t expect him to mean anything else. But I also hadn’t expected to be offered that. I knew he was all about hospitality but I had just been implying he wasn’t a proper monk for killing people. Maybe he’d been spending time with Shingen again. In any case I saw nothing wrong and even wanted him to do it, just to see if the pain would lessen.

“Yes” I simply said and lied down again.

Right after that, his hand went to my stomach and I started feeling nervous. He noticed my shallow breathing immediately.

“Ideally your belly expands when you breathe. Take a deep breath like that.” he said.

As I exhaled, I could swear his fingers stroked my abdomen, exactly where the pain was.

“Mm” I heard on my own voice. He pretended to have misinterpreted it.

“Does it hurt more when I touch it?” he asked.

“No” I said. He kept going. It was maybe a minute until it started to feel like the fabric of the outer kimono was starting to fold when rubbing against the inner one.

“Wait a second” I said and started undoing the obi “The layers bother me.”

It wasn’t surprising that in a second he’d moved away from me.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

Taking off that first layer was enough of a task to make me reconsider it, but I ended up doing it anyway. The bunching up of fabric wouldn’t have let me sleep too well. Although Kennyo couldn’t see any more of my body than he could have before, the act of having taken that off itself probably meant a lot. He was still looking at me with widened eyes. Only at my face. Then he averted his gaze and looked at the right of him, where there was nothing.

“I wouldn’t dare-” he stopped himself.

“I just did this for comfort.” I said “I still feel pain.”

He wasn’t blushing. It was very serious for him. And I knew it, but worrying about things like that just seemed so irrational to someone from my century. In any case, he turned around to look at me again, only looking at my face, and placed his hand again over my abdomen covered by the under-kimono.

I couldn’t deny that I did know what I was doing, though. He was touching me and I was somewhat equivalent to being in my underwear. Maybe it was also my hormones, but I didn’t recognize this until I started to have thoughts and images of sex come into my mind (more like be created by it). The comfort of these thoughts drove me to sleep. This wasn’t an exercise in trust. I knew he wasn’t going to take advantage of me. And I knew his type of violence was more pragmatic than it was emotional or sexual.

Before I had drifted off to sleep, I could hear him whispering to me, probably believing that I wouldn’t hear or not make out the words if I was already asleep.

“...There is no lust in any of this. I want to help you. And it’s not like I follow certain cut and dry rules. It depends on whether I’m practising the principles of....”

…

It was still the evening when I woke up. The pain was the same as when I had fallen asleep. But it wasn’t distracting anymore, and I couldn’t hear the rain outside. Kennyo wasn’t there. Not like I expected otherwise. I found it tiring to keep lying down, so I stood up and went outside because it felt like a long time since I’d seen the sky.

He wasn’t there either when I went to look at the moon. It was barely visible. At this point I had gotten fully dressed again, which of course took more time than it had to take the kimono off. My hair was probably messy though, and I just really wanted to go back home to continue sewing. Interesting how I’d suddenly called Azuchi home when I had to sleep somewhere else.

I started to hear the crunching of leaves behind me, one after the other and closer to me each time.

“(y/n)” I then heard. It was Kennyo’s voice. Clear even though it was almost a whisper.

When I turned around, he was right in front of me. I don’t think his face had ever been so close except when we slept, and even then he was not looking into my eyes like he was at this moment.

“It stopped raining” I ended up just stating the obvious to end the staring contest.

“I can’t say you tempt me, (y/n), it’s me who’s still not able to let go of all desires.”

I wasn’t able to think of something to say before he took my chin with his thumb and index. When he slightly lifted it and my body just let him, I knew that there was nothing else he could have been trying to do. I was then able to get a very close look at that scar and yes, he was handsome, even more with it on his face. He didn’t close his eyes but stared at my lips, and parted his own. His thumb then touched my lower lip. I had no idea what expression I had, but I wasn’t about to close my own eyes. In fact, I kept staring and expecting him to realize I was confused, but he just kept looking at my lips. When he did look me in the eyes, I felt his thumb finger digging for a second at my lower lip before he left it alone.

“I’m sorry” he just said. I saw — knew for a fact I hadn’t imagined — that he took one last look at my lips before turning around and leaving the way he’d come.

…

As soon as I noticed small raindrops on my face, I started to walk back into the cave. I decided to not worry about what went on even if Kennyo turned out to be there already. He wasn’t, though. And he didn’t come back until it was fully dark outside. I knew because I sat near the entrance of the cave again, as if waiting for him, so that I’d be able to hide inside when I saw him approach me. That’s what happened. I saw him from a distance and went inside. I was already in the futon by the time he saw me, but I wasn’t able to pretend to be asleep. With no words, he stood beside the futon on the place he’d slept before, but instead of lying down he sat on the floor with the uneven walls of the cave supporting his back. He stared at me in silence, although it didn’t look that intentional. His eyes were half-closed and his head tilted back slightly. My staring back was probably more intense. But now there was more fear than hostility. He wasn’t as predictable as other people I’d met in this era. For all I knew the act earlier could have been a plan to seduce me and get information on Nobunaga, and he could have hesitated because of what Nobunaga himself had said about touching me.

“What were you talking about with your men earlier?” I asked. I had no reason to believe he’d answer honestly, but I wanted to judge for myself if it seemed honest or not.

He kept looking at me for a few seconds, and took another deep breath before talking again.

“The Oda” he said “It figures they’ll come soon and outnumber us so that we have no choice but to give you to them.”

“Will you?” I had to ask too.

He made that grin again, the one he usually made when threatening me.

“Of course. I have no reason not to.”

I just looked at him for a few seconds in silence, getting from his expression that he was probably being honest.

“But this was just one battle lost.” he said “I won’t stop until Nobunaga Oda is dead. That’s the only thing that matters.”

With those words he ended the conversation. When I didn't answer, he closed his eyes, still sitting but supporting himself on the cave’s walls.

Chapter Text

When I opened my eyes and looked around the room, I saw Kennyo looking at me. He was in the same position as I’d seen him in when I fell asleep. I stared back as if that told him to look elsewhere. It only resulted in us looking at each other for a few seconds. I found it awkward, but he didn’t seem to. My eyes were adjusted to the darkness but not enough to tell exactly what his expression was. He had that half-closed eyes look that made him look constantly suspecting of everything.

“What are you doing?” I finally asked.

“Watching over you.”

“Is it morning?”

“No” he said “You can go back to sleep.”

I wasn’t drowsy enough to go to sleep again immediately, so I said nothing and just kept looking at him. 

“You don’t have to keep an eye on me.” he said, and tilted his body forward to whisper “Go back to sleep.”

His face looked different when in the dark and so close to mine. Something made me feel as if I had to touch it just to know how it felt, specifically how his scar felt. I imagined it would feel rough, but I wanted to be surprised if it wasn’t. So I got my arm out of the futon and reached for his face. His eyes were now wide open. He was not as close as I had believed, and only the tips of my fingers reached the side of his face where his scar started from the top. I dragged my fingertips along his face to feel it. It was harsh to the touch, as expected, and I was staring at it more than at his eyes. Only when I was done feeling it, he grabbed my wrist.

“(y/n)”

I had no response to that. When I heard that, I realized it had been strange, but at that point he’d already touched me more than once, so I wasn’t the one crossing boundaries.

“Mm?” I replied, but when he said nothing else, I got my arm away from him and decided to pretend to be asleep until I wasn’t pretending.

...

It was and would continue to be a peaceful morning when I woke up again. The sound of a multitude of footsteps approaching was familiar. It was even stronger and echoed more than the first time the Oda came for me. Kennyo wasn’t there, of course. When I had stood up and was almost outside, he appeared in front of me.

“They’re here. I guess I didn’t need to tell you.” he said.

“Alright” I said, thinking that might be the last thing I’d say to him.

We walked together to be greeted by a group of gazes outside in the daylight. Nobunaga was of course there, but I saw Ieyasu first. He had that usual stoic expression, but I knew he would have more than a few things to say to me when I was back.

“Oh” I heard Kennyo say “Here’s your dagger.”

From his clothes he took the dagger Ieyasu had given me. I had even forgotten about it at that point. As I took it, I glanced at Ieyasu again, and he was staring at Kennyo. He didn’t look at me until I had secured the dagger inside my own kimono again.

“Thank you” I said to Kennyo and started walking alone. Not like I had expected that he’d follow me but it was strange to see him just look at me from a distance and keep his feet planted on the ground. His plan had failed. Apparently even the warriors that followed him to the woods around Azuchi weren’t enough to compete with the mass joined by the Oda just to get some girl back. But also, Kennyo now knew more than he did before, and he’d already admitted that his most important goal ㄧor his only one ㄧ was to kill Nobunaga.

I turned to look one last time at Kennyo. He was still facing me, and I might have said that he even looked a bit sad, just from the way that after a few seconds of staring at me, he glared at the ground as if it was taking me away from him. It didn’t take long until I saw Ieyasu again and he took my hand as soon as I was close enough, still not changing his expression. He said nothing and until we were back in Azuchi, which felt shorter than the whole journey to the cave I had become used to. Probably because I was carried in a palanquin just by myself and therefore would avoid all confrontation and questioning even if just for a little while. Things were different when we arrived.

“Don’t let yourself be taken away like that again.” Ieyasu said “I don’t think you understand…”

Instead of ending the sentence, he sighed.

“Ieyasu, I’m sorry for worrying you.” I said.

“I wasn’t too worried… You just caused a lot of chaos here. Nobunaga was worried about you.”

“He didn’t seem too worried.”

“Regardless. Well, now you’re back.” he said and looked elsewhere when he was before looking intently at me “He took the dagger from you.”

He said it as if I hadn’t noticed it back then.

“Yes” I said “He took it from me. I was unprepared.”

“Alright, I understand.” he said, then he stopped pacing and actually sat down in front of me.

He glanced around himself before he continued talking.

“Listen, I want you to be honest about something, no matter what.” he said “I don’t like to ask something like this, but I must know: Did he disrespect you?”

He was looking intently at me as he asked it. Just from the tone and the era this was, I figured that he didn’t mean to ask if Kennyo had said something insulting.

“No” I said I didn’t know what to follow that with, so I kept silent after that.

“Not at all?” he asked “He didn’t touch you, (y/n)? We know he’s not an honorable type of monk.”

But Kennyo had in fact come off as honorable to me. Maybe his principles were a bit too much on the side of “the ends justify the means”, but he had morals after all. And the samurai themselves, even Ieyasu couldn’t claim to be any more honorable than Kennyo. They were all willing to kill others and have others kill for them.

“He didn’t do anything to me.” I said.

“Alright” he said “I understand.”

After this, I caught myself staring at the floor.

“I won’t hesitate to protect myself from now on.” I said.

“I hope you don’t have to”

…

It didn’t take long until I got used to living in Azuchi again, and I was thinking of it as home. But I hadn’t stopped thinking about Kennyo and how I could’ve sworn he was about to kiss me that time. Before he abducted me I would have been surprised to learn he had anything in his mind other than killing Nobunaga. But even then and while back in Azuchi I was surprised at the small sign that he ever thought of love and romance.

The following days I just continued to put up with the men’s banter and do whatever Nobunaga wanted of me. It wasn’t hard to see why Kennyo wasn’t too fond of him. Although of course for different reasons, he wasn’t my favorite of the warlords either. But I guessed that he had to keep a dominant attitude if it was his palace, and I guess for his era I couldn’t blame him for calling me his. In any case, Kennyo kept being in the back of my mind. I even scared myself one night by thinking of something I had no reason to: how his lips would have felt on mine, and even what movements he would have followed with. And what would he have done if I had kissed him back? Maybe kiss my neck? Or put a hand inside my kimono to feel my breasts.

Of course not. He’d said he wouldn’t ‘disrespect’ me, exactly the same wording as Ieyasu’s. But even keeping that in mind, he did get his face at a couple centimeters from my lips, and stared at them as if he fantasized of me kissing him instead. This thought kept me up longer than usual that night.

The next morning I was able to take my mind off that until evening. When I saw Ieyasu I felt he’d be my closest ally in my plan, and even that was me hoping.

‘’Do you think I would be able to send a letter?’’ I asked him.

‘’A letter?’’ he frowned ‘’To whom?’’

‘’A friend I made recently’’ I said. I couldn’t have worded it a better way while being honest.

“Well, it doesn’t matter to me who he is exactly” he said “but I would like to read your letter before you send it.”

That’s not a request I’d expect from the man who trusted me with a dagger.

“What for?” I tried to control my tone to not seem defensive.

“I just want to make sure you aren’t getting into trouble or anything dangerous.” he said.

I decided not to respond to that because I already knew what that meant. He was suspecting of me, and I would only look more suspicious if I refused. Or maybe that was me being paranoid of Ieyasu somehow knowing my strange sudden feelings for Kennyo even if they hadn’t been written down anywhere.

“Alright” I said just to get out of that “You’ll see it before I send it.”

The best course of action was to keep it subtle and friendly in the letter, and definitely to casually forget to write the receiver’s name until I was really about to send it. So I wasn’t able to pour my heart and soul into it, but I wasn’t planning to go that far for a man I simply found attractive, even if I could have.

What I wrote, then, was simply that I would like to see him again, and that we could meet somewhere if it was possible. Aside from the implication of being with a man away from the gaze of the men in the castle, there was nothing to suspect. The only thing that gave me away was the convenient timing of wanting to send a letter right after I was taken by the Ikko-Ikki, but if I had to deal with that eventually to have some freedom, then so be it.

And I do have to admit part of what made it appealing was the fact that I knew Kennyo was an enemy of the Oda, and specifically of Nobunaga. Nothing against them, and especially not against Ieyasu, but it was clear I was constantly under their thumb. I wasn’t sure what Nobunaga himself had done to Kennyo, but I was sure it was no small thing. By being so fixated on his revenge, he showed he had a rather emotional side, and if it was about Nobunaga killing people he was close to, it could just comfort me to know that he felt empathy in that way, and would risk it all to try and kill the person who was maybe the most powerful in the country.

The Sun was setting when I went to look for Ieyasu. I was starting to feel a rush of guilt as he read the letter after I handed it to him. If this went on any further, I was sure he’d eventually figure it out. Even if his expression was the same as always when he was done reading, I kept feeling he’d see something on my face or my body language that gave me away. But he handed it to me and even made a little smile.

“Alright” he said “If you’re going to go out right now, don’t take too long. It’s getting dark already.”

Chapter Text

Kennyo’s POV

“Kennyo,

These days I have been feeling lonely in this castle. Sometimes I feel like where there’s fewer people, there’s more connection with those who are there. I miss something about the feeling of being alone in the forest except for you. Not that I don’t appreciate everything given to me here, especially because here I am able to be useful, but there’s no peace in the castle like there is in a place where everyone is far away from each other in terms of space, although close in spirit. I’ve lived in the city all my life, so I might sound naive to you. In fact, I actually feel curious about what life means to you. Not because you’re a monk specifically, but because I think you and I are very different.

Not that I have forgotten what you did to me, or that you’re not above violence. But that’s part of why I can see you as a person and not just as another character of this world who only lusts after power. That’s even what I see different in you. You look for something that is less than power, yet maybe harder and more rewarding to get. And you have a good heart, clearly. After all, you gave me all you could while I was there. So, I must admit I have started to feel like I miss you, even. I know I’m lucky to have the samurai give me shelter, but it must come at some cost and that is the loss of privacy. I have made friends but I still feel like I am constantly being watched. From the little I know of you, it seems you just are less judgemental. I can’t say I understand you or even know you well, but I do want to. I have realized that in the last days.

I want to read about what you think of me. Tell me how you’ve been feeling the last days. If you haven’t missed me, don’t lie to be polite. I’d rather know now whether you were being sincere that time you almost kissed me. Of course I haven’t forgotten that, and I don’t want to pretend it never happened. Even if your response to this letter disappoints me, I want to have one. I didn’t think I’d end up being so open about my feelings with anyone, much less you, but knowing you’re there and I can still have contact with you is what keeps me here still in my bedroom away from those prying eyes even if there is nothing here aside from a futon and all that is needed for writing. I wish I could say otherwise, but here this loneliness just won’t leave me. So, that’s what I wanted to confess with this letter. I want to know the world from your perspective. Let me know about yourself, your life, and whether we can see each other anytime soon.

-(y/n).”

You were right about my surroundings and how peaceful they could be. But it was a sort of bitter peace that could only come from needing to be hidden from the only person I can say I’ve hated. After reading the letter, I had started to understand what you meant. Even I thought back fondly of the last days we were close, but at no point did I think I would want them back. It was what it had to be at the time and I had to stop it when it made no sense anymore. Although I wasn’t surprised at seeing a letter from you so soon, what I didn’t expect was you being so direct through it. As if you wanted me to take you from them again. But your feelings misled you. In reality, you were at most curious about me because I was an enemy. If you were to learn enough about me, it would make you run back to Azuchi at the first opportunity. But in any case I wouldn’t let that happen in the first place. You were too innocent, and so you idolized me for being a supposed monk, someone different from the men you knew in that castle.

Because of this, if I were to take you again, it wouldn’t be from the impulse of wanting you back. And would your closeness 一and even if you got to seduce me entirely一 get me anywhere closer to killing Nobunaga? It would depend on whether I’d be willing to use you one last time. So the letter I wrote back was filthy with the falsehood of hiding my real intentions. The first time I had taken you because it was convenient and I had then warned you. This time I’d be taking advantage of your naivety and good intentions. But I could tell myself it was still all for the greater good, and if you were so honest with me and liked me, it was difficult to think you held any affection for Nobunaga, and his death would have no reason to affect you.

Even that one second before I let you go back to Nobunaga I had thought of simply keeping you. At that point you’d shown being comfortable with me, enough to disrobe almost fully in front of me. And in a way that I have to admit was selfish and irrational, I wanted to have something that Nobunaga wanted, just having him know you weren’t his. But I also understood, maybe too late, that your responses and your actions couldn’t be honest if you were afraid of me. If there had been no fear, you would have rejected me the last day when I got too close and touched you.

In the night I started the walk towards Azuchi.

(y/n)’s POV

“(y/n),

If I didn’t think of writing to you, it was because I didn’t imagine you’d want it. I would have wasted no time, had I known you would send one first. Don’t worry about me at any point, I’m by far safer than you are there, and even my feelings I have learned to neutralize. And I must say, although I know enough of you to think you’re smart, I’m curious as to what makes you want to know me better. As for myself, I want to know what it’s like to spend more time with you. I like to think I’m a good judge of character, so I trust you but because of that I also know you shouldn’t trust me so easily. I do think of you as naive, as I’ve said before, but if that is your biggest fault it means I have never met any better person. Look for me at the place we had met the first time (the time I warned you about myself) after midday, the day after you receive this letter. All I know is that I want to see you too.

-You know who I am.”

The signature, even if it was just done for the possibility of our letters being inspected, had jumped out at me before I started reading the text at all. And there I found only more ambiguity. But something he couldn’t hide because it almost seemed like an accidental confession was that ‘even my feelings I can neutralize’ phrase. Maybe it referred to some other thing, but I interpreted it as him subtly admitting feelings for me, even if just a small interest. That and the last sentence were promising, even seemed straightforward coming from him. But maybe it was hiding in anonymity and even referencing past events with obscurity that emboldened him. If indeed he was asking me out on a date, I was going.

His avoiding of my mention of that almost-kiss could only mean the obvious: he didn’t want to discuss it. But of course that just made me think of it even more, when I had put the letter away. Contrary to his intentions, the avoidance made me imagine the scene again, and variations of it where he did kiss me and where I kissed him back, and another where after that we went back in that cave and slept together in more than one sense.

On the evening of the day I received the letter, I walked past a room where I heard Hideyoshi and Ieyasu’s voices, again discussing something among which I heard my name. I walked past to pretend I hadn’t noticed and then came back with much more silent footsteps and keeping my body in a position it wouldn’t create a shadow seen from the inside.

“I’ve been concerned about her since she’s come back.” Hideyoshi said.

“In what ways?”

“You mentioned she’d sent a letter right after coming back.”

“Yes. I did inspect it. Well, I read a bit of it. It was rather mundane, the kinds of things you’d expect from a young woman.”

“Exactly.” Hideyoshi said “But I hadn’t heard of her sending any letters before this happened.”

“So what is it that concerns you, exactly?”

“Obviously the timing. What if, while in captivity, she fell for a monk or anyone who was there at that time and Kennyo could get information from?”

“Alright. So I see there’s a problem. I guess we might have to monitor her letters from now on.”

“Yes, I think that’s best. And I mean to read them fully.” he said, in a tone different from what I’d expect from him when talking to Ieyasu, who was maybe the most respected man in the castle if I dared to say it. Maybe Hideyoshi was starting to suspect him as well, that he could have wanted to hide something from him or Nobunaga.

“And also, about Masamune and his…”

I went back to my room, the first steps as careful as the ones used to approach the room they were in. I thought I was getting over that feeling of being watched, and even considered that there was no real sign of it. But I couldn’t blame someone like Hideyoshi for wanting to be sure, and putting Nobunaga above everyone else. At least I knew now they couldn’t lure me into a false sense of security, I had to keep watch on them as much as they would on me. And I wouldn’t feel bad for eavesdropping.

When I reached my room, I started writing out of spite. A letter, just for the sake of not sending it at all. I wasn’t thinking of them finding it, I just wanted to have my feelings written down.

“My dear You-know-who-you-are,

I’ve started to realize the reason I am feeling lonely is because you are not here. Before we started talking, I was getting used to this castle and the people in it. No one could convince me I could be better off anywhere else on this timeline. But then I realized there was more out there, and that included people who were better. I know you’ve done regrettable things because of your circumstances, but I can’t fault you for it. Even, at this point I dare say I can’t blame you for your hate of Nobunaga. I know I shouldn’t pick sides when politics are so complex at this time, because there’s good and bad in everyone, but that’s why there’s a clear difference between knowing and feeling. You have shown me respect and courtesy, ideals that people from my time think are lost in the ‘nowadays’, but I know now they were never that common to begin with.

So then, you embody those things we admire of the past, now my present. And the teasing that happened between us with those touches, and that protection you gave me, drove me closer to you, and now I can’t forget it. It’s all I think about. I think I might have fallen in love.

-(y/n).”

It was an impulse, but one that didn’t have to mean consequences. Kennyo’s face came to my mind whenever I had to sleep, and the serenity it gave me drove me to sleep faster. I couldn’t be sure it was more love than obsession, what we now would call ‘Stockholm Syndrome’. But it wasn’t. I never truly believed he would hurt me, and he didn’t.

The overbearing free time I had in the castle only gave me more reasons to keep thinking about it. At this hour I was not often interrupted when I was in my room, so this time when I got the sudden urge to touch myself, I started loosening the kimono on me and immediately more scenarios involving Kennyo came into my mind.

Chapter Text

In the afternoon, I was free and was about to leave for the place Kennyo said we’d see each other. I told Hideyoshi I’d go out to shop for fabric. Before I left, I remembered the letter I’d written about Kennyo, though not exactly to him. I thought of two good reasons to bring it with me: For one, I didn’t know what would be the last time I’d see him, and I might want him to know at some point. Also, there’s the fact that someone might want to look into my room just to keep an eye on me and find the letter. I got it into my kimono before leaving.

The area where I had found Hozuki trapped several days before had started to feel like a place and not just a part of the forest. Eventually I started hearing those familiar footsteps on fallen leaves.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d come.” I heard with his voice.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

I turned around to look at his dark eyes even among the more eye-catching purple and gold of his clothes. He also looked into my eyes.

“Not sure whether they’d even let you go outside by yourself at all. Nobunaga must be really permissive.”

“Well, of course they don’t know I’m with you.” I said.

“Aren’t you afraid they’ll find out?” he asked.

“Yes, but at least I myself know I’m not doing anything wrong and not betraying them.”

“Not yet” he said and smiled.

I wanted to ignore his tone, but he got closer and kept talking.

“Someday you might start to help me or give me information. If you’re very fond of me, you probably want me to live.”

“I want everyone to live on both sides.” I said, even if it made me look ignorant and reminded me of how foreign I was to this place-time.

He looked at me and reached for my hand, but actually took my wrist that was covered by my sleeve.

“I don’t get any pleasure from killing. And I wouldn’t call myself a good person even, but I think I’m better than someone who does get pleasure from others’ suffering, or is indifferent towards it.”

He let go of my wrist when I didn’t reply, just stared at him.

“I understand why you hate Nobunaga, I-”

“Forgive me.” he said “But you don’t, and I don’t expect you to.”

Maybe to let me know it was serious for him, he was looking into my eyes as he said that.

“Yeah, you’re right. I mean that I myself see faults in him. I know he must have done something horrible for someone like you to hate him.”

That’s when he looked away and started walking slowly.

“I’d rather not discuss it now” he said, then looked at me again for a second “I just came to spend time with you.”

When he started walking deeper into the woods, I just followed him. I figured he wouldn’t want to stay too long near Azuchi where he could be identified. On the ground and below a tree, I could see a sort of basket with some peaches in it.

“I’ve picked these in anticipation for this day. Please have some.” he said before sitting down with his back resting on the tree.
I sat down beside him and took one.

“Will you ever tell me what happened between you and Nobunaga?” I asked.

As I expected, he was silent and just looked away, his head tilted backwards to also rest on the tree.

“I’d like to hear it from you before anyone else.” I said. That’s when he turned to look at me.

“Nobunaga himself hasn’t told you about it?” he asked.

“No, he doesn’t really talk to me much at all.” I took a bite from the peach after saying that.

He was still staring at me, then sighed and closed his eyes.

“Well, it’s hard to tell a story like that.” he said “And I wouldn’t like to put that on you anyway. You seem like you’ve been living a pretty comfortable life.”

“I guess I have.” I said.

“Besides, I know so little about you. You seem foreign in the way you write and speak sometimes. You even use words I’ve never heard before. I probably shouldn’t trust someone like you even if I feel you’re so innocent.”

When he said that, I started to think of what words could have seemed too new to him. Maybe when I mentioned cinnamon, and other small things like that.

“I can tell you where I’m really from.” I said “But I’m not sure you’ll believe me.”

“I just want the truth.” he said. If I wasn’t used to his stoic or serious gesture, I would have thought he was angry as he said it.

Since he was looking into my eyes while he spoke, I did as I started talking too.

“So let me give you the truth. I’m not just from a different place, I’m from another time.”

His frown discouraged me, but it only lasted a few seconds. After that, it was just a stare. I took another bite from the peach.

“Tell me more.”

“Oh, well.” I went on “I’m from a time many centuries after this one. This is a time we call the Sengoku. The Azuchi castle is still there, the Honnoji was reconstructed… I don’t know what else to tell you.”

“What about the Ishiyama Honganji?” he asked, and from his expression I knew I shouldn’t have brought up the topic of castles and temples.

“I know you want the truth.” I started “So I’ll tell you: a castle was built on its site.”

“The Oda built a castle?” he asked me. I wasn’t sure if his stoic expression was explained by his demeanor or the fact that he might not have believed me.

“Yes.” I said “But, listen… Since I’ve arrived here, some things about history have changed. I think I unknowingly changed some things when the Oda found me.”

He said nothing, just took a deep breath and stood up. I mirrored him.

“What else do you know about the future?” he asked me “Are there still buddhists?”

“Yes.” I said “There’s a lot.”

When I said that, he looked away. The silence we made felt right, and I didn’t want to be the one to break it.

“I don’t want to have done nothing for the people of the future.” he said “You say you can still change history?”

“It seems it can be changed.” I said.

“Don’t worry about how I’ll take it, (y/n). I know the warlords are too powerful for Honganji to ever be restored.”

I had no idea how to respond to that, I simply was glad I hadn’t made him sad.

“Can you go back to the future?” he asked as he kept walking, still deeper into the forest “Or are you stuck here?”

“In a couple months another portal to my present is supposed to open.”

“But will you go back?” he asked. One of his eyebrows rose, as if he did really care whether or not I’d leave.

“I have to think about it. The future is much more peaceful.” I said “But it might not be the same world I had known.”

“Is it more peaceful?” he asked. Again, there was a frown. I figured it was difficult for someone like him to imagine something like peace in a country.

“Yes. There’s violence sometimes, but we don’t really ever have to kill anyone.”

“A world where you don’t have to kill?” he asked “It seems unreal.”

“I know to you it must seem that way.”

“Why would you not want to go back?” he asked.

“Well, it’s not a perfect world after all. And I’m just saying I’m thinking about it for now.”

“What would it take for you to stay here?” I turned around to look at me when he asked that, and only then I noticed I had been walking slowly back to where Azuchi castle was.

“I don’t know” I could sincerely say “I have been trying not to think about it. I guess if I were to marry someone here, I wouldn’t allow myself to leave.”

“What would it take for you to leave Azuchi castle?”

“I… I just don’t know.” I said as I looked at the sky. Evening was starting. “I have to get back there soon.”

I hadn’t noticed that I was holding the half-eaten peach so lightly until Kennyo took it from me.

“I can’t allow….” he started “I just can’t stand the idea of letting you go back to that castle.” he said.

As he looked towards the North where Azuchi castle was, he lifted the peach to his mouth and took a bite.

“Kennyo” I said, “I wouldn’t like to be late.”

He was still eating when I said that last sentence and I started walking to the North. As soon as I was ahead of him, he took my shoulder.

“Don’t go.” he said in a whisper I was only able to hear because the forest was silent.

When I turned around, he let go of my shoulder. His expression was that of the time he kidnapped me. A combination of anger and sadness. Very subtle, but possible to recognize when seeing it for a second time. Still with the fruit on his left hand, he was able to take me with that left arm in front of my body while he positioned himself behind me. With the right hand, he covered my eyes. I knew him well enough to tell from that moment that he wasn’t being playful.

“I’m sorry for having to do this again, but I’m more prepared against Nobunaga this time. There will be no truce. I’ll kill him this time.”

“I should have known…” I whispered to myself, even if he could obviously hear me.

“I told you killing him was above all else.” he said. I wasn’t sure if it was a reply or he was continuing his speech.

This was worse than the first time he’d kidnapped me. For one, because this one seemed like he had just lured me for the sake of taking me with him, and secondly because I was naive enough to believe him. Another reason I should have been suspicious was the fact that he didn’t seem the type to want to go out on a date. But I had to forgive myself, knowing I had been feeling lonely. With no access to my vision it was easier for me to imagine things. I tried to recall the path he had taken me on when he had first taken me, but I wasn’t able to. Then I thought of what the Oda would think. How did the same man manage to trick me a second time? I was sure they would start suspecting there had to be at least a bit of trust between Kennyo and me. And they wouldn’t be entirely wrong. Kennyo and I had shared a few days together, and he’d been giving me all he could to make me safe and comfortable. And, when it’s all said and done, he was honest in his intentions. He’d told me he only cared about killing Nobunaga, and he didn’t even consider himself a good person judging by his letter and the way he sometimes spoke about himself.

“You seem so intelligent and kind.” he said, again breaking the silence of the forest and the noise of my own thoughts “I wonder what caused you to end up in this situation. Either a prisoner of the Oda or mine.”

“I’m certainly not a prisoner with either.”

There was no more talking until he got his hand off my eyes. It wasn’t the same area with the cave. From a distance I could hear the faint, static-like sound of a waterfall or river but I couldn’t see it around us. He had finished the peach by himself and kept the core in his hand.

Chapter Text

(Kennyo’s POV)

The nearby waterfall was loud enough to drown out your voice but I thought you had said something. When I turned around, you were simply looking at the ground. I stopped walking so you could reach me.

“We can rest here for a moment.” I said.

It was possible to look at the waterfall from where we were. You were looking at it, I noticed. In any case, you said nothing. I sat first on the ground near a tree so you would sit down and rest against it. You sat, but not beside me. A fellow monk arrived shortly after. He had to kneel beside me to be heard clearly.

“Abbot, the Oda are close. We saw them from the vantage point of the waterfall’s edge.”

“Alright. We’ll go there to see them more easily, then.” I said. “I want to make them tired of chasing us but eventually let them find us.”

“Come” I said to you. Again, you said nothing, just stood up and started walking towards me and following me. Not only were you silent, but it also seemed that you were trying to avoid any facial expressions. 

We ended up not at the waterfall’s edge but by another place close and high enough to see the surroundings clearly on most directions. Again, we were left alone. It was fully dark at that point, but from what I was able to tell, the Oda might had unknowingly passed us by. In any case, it would be best to get to the high point again at dawn and take another look.

“Let’s go.” I told you, deciding not to comment on the fact you had not said anything in a while.

Once again, we had porridge. I didn’t expect you to say anything to anyone as we ate, but I didn’t know that even the monks would be silent because of your presence. It made sense, since there was nothing for them to say to you directly, and if plans were discussed it shouldn’t be in front of you. The waterfall still made a distant noise to keep us from being in full silence.

When you were done, you stood up slowly as if to warn us that you were going to walk away. I was sure you knew better than to try and run away from where you had some chance of survival. At some point, I couldn’t see your movements anymore, so I went looking around to find your standing silhouette beside that of a tree. Although your back was towards me, I felt it inappropriate to speak in that moment, so I reached for your sleeve to pull at it instead. Even though I was touching cloth, I felt a sort of warmth I also felt the other few times I had touched you.

“Kennyo” you said, which startled me, since I expected you to turn around instead. There was something sleepy or maybe, if I can forgive myself for this interpretation, rather seductive in your voice at that time.

“What is it?”

That was when you turned around. Then I noticed that the breathy voice was from something like fear or sadness. One of them was seen through your face, but I wasn’t able to determine which.

“Did you mean anything you said in your letter?” you asked “Or was it all just to lure me?”

It took me a moment to recall anything that could have been a blatant lie in that letter.

“No” I said “I don’t remember writing down anything I didn’t feel.”

Since you didn’t reply to that, I started walking away and towards where we would sleep. I didn’t hear your footsteps behind me, so I stopped and turned around. I said nothing myself when I met your gaze, and I didn’t expect you to say anything either. The more I looked at you, the more it seemed my eyes were adjusting to the darkness quicker than usual, and it even seemed to be daylight for a second, as if a lightning bolt without thunder had struck near us. After a few seconds that might have even been a minute, you started walking towards me and I went with you to our tent.

“I want to ask you something too.” I said once we were both inside “Just out of curiosity.”

You were still looking at me, but turned your face towards me instead of just letting me see your face profile.

“Are you planning to go back to the Oda?” I asked.

I resisted the urge to ask you to tell me the truth. Any question implies wanting the truth, and asking you to be honest would have been ignoring how transparent you always were.

“I think it’s what’s the most respectful to them.” you said “For giving me shelter and protection.”

“But is it what you want?”

We didn’t stare at each other this time, but just heard each other breathing.

“I want to have friends.” you started “People I can trust and who can trust me.”

“It seems you always felt lonely in that castle.” I said “Judging by your letter.”

Again, you turned to look at me. I knew I was pushing you with that, but I was also curious about what you would say.

“You know, in my time I didn’t necessarily have that many friends either.” you said “But I have to say that despite everything, I never feel lonely when I’m with you.”

Had you just called me a friend? I wasn’t able to tell you that you were either right or wrong. Feelings just happen. I lied on the ground but kept eye contact with you in case I thought of something to reply. But I could only think and think more. My own feelings had also grown unexpectedly. Before, I would have let you go back to the Azuchi castle for your safety, and at some point I decided I was where you should and would find safety. You also lied on your futon, on your left side, which meant I could still see your face. I tried not to look too much into it, but I kept staring even after you closed your eyes, and it seemed meaningful.

At dawn, while you still slept, I went back to the hill. From a distance I saw the movement of a multitude who approached our tents. Immediately I started walking to the lower ground while keeping an eye on our tent specifically. The monks had started surrounding it, probably to avoid having to physically grab you away from the Oda. When you left the tent, I was already close enough to make you turn to look at me by yelling your name. But you turned back to look at the approaching group.

“It seems Nobunaga isn’t there at all, Abbot.” one of the monks surrounding you approached me to say.

Indeed it seemed he wasn’t there. But I could make Ieyasu out just before running towards you. It was pointless to fight at all this time. After looking at those people from a distance, you started walking towards them. You only made a few steps when I reached you. You had no time to even make a noise before I lifted your legs off the ground to carry you away from them. With one arm supporting your back and the other under your legs, just like the first time I had taken you. We needed to hide instead of running, because I wouldn’t have been able to outrun them on foot even with still so much distance between us and them. The monks already knew the next place to go after the Oda caught up to us, so I trusted they were running or hiding too. Once I was running with you on my arms, you started to grab my neck, but you were still looking back at them.

It was all silent as I ran enough to be out of sight and then look for a hiding place. You still had your arms wrapped around me and still weren’t even whispering. I slowed down when I spotted an indentation on the ground deep and wide enough for two people. Then I let you on the ground. For a moment, I looked around to make sure those sent by Nobunaga weren’t around anymore. Since they could have also been hiding and waiting or silently searching around us, I decided to stay there for a while. So I lowered my head again to be concealed. There wasn’t much to cover us if someone were to walk right beside us, but the Sun was still not at its brightest. I looked at your face and you look at me too.

You had made no noise to alert the Oda of your location. At first it seemed contradictory to walking towards them before, but it could be explained by you wanting them to believe you’d come back to them to avoid suspicion or punishment. Maybe you feared I would harm you in some way if you did scream. I would expect you’d be afraid of me, but I liked to think that you were also afraid of them.

I saw you rest your head on the ground again, then close your eyes. Since it was easy for me to fall asleep and wake up, I didn’t know how much you really did sleep at night. In your position it would take me hours to fall asleep beside my captor and even let them see my face as I do. Unless, of course, I was too sleep deprived to care. Maybe that was the case, but I would have rather not known. You did seem peaceful as you slept, and again, your body was turned towards me.

Chapter Text

This part of the forest was much more silent. Kennyo walked away from me. Or rather, I stopped following him for a few seconds and he stopped. He didn’t turn around at all. Instead, he kept looking away. From where I was, I could make out his profile against the rising Sun. He was lifting his head to look at the sky.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Nothing” he replied, and turned to face completely away from me, then kept walking away.

“Do you know where to go next, or are we just escaping?” I asked.

It seemed he tried to turn around while still walking. He looked at me and said:

“I think I know where we’re headed.”

For some reason, this time it came off as if what you said was really all you knew. Like your words were now more improvised because there was nothing to hide anymore. Although I had stopped walking some minutes before, I realized it had been more because I was tired (even after a while of him carrying me) and not because I didn’t want to follow. At this point it was clear to me, there was no one I could trust more than Kennyo, even if it was because he was the better of the bad options. But he had a type of honesty that nobody in the castle had wanted to show me. As stated in my letter, I wanted to understand his thinking. If he was the abbot it was surely because something about him was more level-headed, even, than the other monks. Or maybe I just didn’t understand monk hierarchy. And I also had to admit that being with him on the run was much more entertaining than being anywhere near the castle.

Now that we didn’t have any other pressing matters and anyone around us, I thought it would be the best time to ask him about the thing he’d avoided from the letter.

“Hey” I started “You never responded to something from my letter.”

Again he turned around, but stopped. His brows were raised. I took a few steps to be only about a meter away from him.

“Don’t you remember that I asked you about that time… The night before the Oda took me back. I’d gone outside after the rain.”

His surprised expression became his usual, more stoic one.

“Oh, yes, I do remember.” he said, and looked towards his right even though he’d been looking at me “I said some things I shouldn’t have.”

I remembered he did say something that was mildly romantic or sexual. But he was avoiding the real question.

“You were about to kiss me, weren’t you?” I had the guts to ask.

“I was about to… what?” he said. For a moment I was scared by how sincere he seemed. I felt myself raising my brows like he’d done before.

Was it possible that people in this time didn’t have the concept of kissing? Maybe it wasn’t as extended, and monks had no reason to know.

“Kiss” I repeated, in case he hadn’t heard well.

Instead of talking, he kept staring at me. Maybe there was no intention of kissing at all, and just touching my lips was as much intimacy as he was thinking of having from the beginning. But why would the lips be considered erotic here, yet there would be no concept of placing one’s on someone else’s?

“Don’t you know what a kiss is?” I asked, expecting his honesty once more.

“I guess not.” he said “What is it?”

I didn’t want to explain it now that I had assumed that he’d wanted to do that before.

“I think it might be something others brought. Well, it’s a gesture people do in other parts of the world.”

“I see.” he said, still a much more serious expression than this was worth “But what is it like?”

“Hm” I started “Well, basically you get your lips on someone else’s. It’s just an affectionate gesture.”

Then he looked away. Obviously he was putting two and two together.

“What does it mean, then?” he asked, maybe pretending not to understand.

“I mean, it’s like something that lovers do,” I said. He'd really pushed me to say that.

I don’t think I’d ever seen him as surprised as he looked then. His lips were even a bit parted, aside from his raised eyebrows. He said nothing, though.

“I guess you wouldn’t have dared to do that, really.” I said to break the silence. I made it sound like a challenge.

“I think I wouldn’t have.” he said “How do you know about this kiss? Is it something in the future?”

“I think it’s done already in India and Europe.” I said, stopping myself before adding ‘in these times’. “But it’s done in Japan in the future. In private, I mean.”

“I see.” he just said.

If it was a private thing, it was a sexual thing. It didn’t need to be said.

After a while, we arrived at an even quieter, open area. At some point, Kennyo stopped dead in his tracks and looked around. I decided to get closer and whisper.

“What’s going on?”

“We’re getting close to the Ishiyama Hongan-ji ruins,” he said.

I wasn’t sure how to respond, so I let him have silence, but I was still right behind him. When I started to pay attention to him more than to the surroundings, I could hear his deep, rhythmic breathing.

“Kennyo” I said “Tell me about Nobunaga.”

“What about him?” he asked, not yet turning around. He stared at the forest, I guess facing the ruins.

At this point, what exactly had happened wasn’t something I felt I needed to know anymore. I trusted that he could only hate someone if they’d done something unforgivable. The question was meant for him to hopefully express it instead of keeping it inside. I figured he didn’t discuss the event itself much with the other monks. Rarely did I ever see them speak to each other at all, unless it was about their plans and strategies.

“What did he do to you?” I asked. Then he turned around but looked at the ground.

“Nothing.” he said “Not to me. He brutalized the people I cared about, and all I stand-”

He paused and looked into my eyes.

“All I stood for.”

Although I wasn’t about to mention it, I’d imagined that his scar had been made by Nobunaga or one of his men. Either he didn’t care about his appearance or didn’t get to see his reflection enough to remember it often. Or there could be some ideological ‘non-attachment’ reason to avoid it. Regardless, obviously Nobunaga had done something to him directly, and I thought he was trying to deny it.

“What was it?” I kept pushing.

Nothing could have prepared me for what he said after looking away.

“So, did Nobunaga ever kiss you?” he asked.

It seemed strange for him to say that, coming from the man who seemed to never even think of sex or romance, but just for a moment. Then it clicked he was probably avoiding the question I made, and making a poor attempt at changing the subject. Especially because that obviously contradicted what I just told him about not being a thing in this land yet, so if anything I would have been the one to kiss Nobunaga and not the other way around.

“Like I said before, I was never his concubine.” I said “And no, we never kissed.”

His staff rattled when he tilted it. He stared at me.

“I want to believe you.” he said “Maybe you weren’t his concubine, but I find it hard to believe he wouldn’t take advantage of you.”

“He didn’t, ever.” I said, not having any affection for Nobunaga at this point but still wanting to leave just the facts “We didn’t even talk to each other much before you took me.”

I was debating whether to mention Ieyasu as comparison, just to drive it home that there was never anything between Nobunaga and I, but fortunately he said something before me.

He looked away and straightened his staff.

“Alright” he said “I know I had no reason to ask. It was just something I wanted to know.”

I wasn’t sure whether he’d asked out of curiosity or because he was worried about me. Obviously someone like him shouldn’t have felt jealousy, I’d imagine. There was a long silence, and I even forgot what I had asked before.

“Nobunaga Oda…” he said then “He started a siege around Ishiyama Hongan-ji.”

After saying that, he started walking towards a tree, and left his staff supported on it before sitting down beside it. I sat down near him.

“We,” he continued but immediately paused “By which I mean the Ikko-Ikki and Mori clan, resisted different attacks on the fortress for a long time, but at some point they’d cut off all our supply lines and we had no more. At that point I knew we would all get killed by the Oda, so I decided to surrender. Sometimes…”

When he stopped, I realized that had probably been the most he’d spoken to me at a time. I just let him make silence and then continue.

“He spared the lives of some, but it was ultimately just another victory for the daimyo.” his head was resting against the tree but he turned to look at me “I was about to say sometimes I wish I would have died in battle, but then I wouldn’t be able to protect anyone else again. Not the monks who believe in me, not you. And die for what? To rid myself of guilt? No, a selfish death would be even more shameful. I should atone before dying.”

Until he said ‘not you’, it seemed more as if he had been talking to himself. And I was even a bit shocked to see him mention me that way. He almost seemed to imply I was close or important to him. I looked into his eyes, and he stared back for a few seconds. In part, I think he had actually gotten some things off his chest. I decided to not say anything else, and maybe that would keep him talking.

“I know you’re rather close to Tokugawa Ieyasu.” he said “He gave you that dagger, didn’t he?”

A small part of me was expecting a serious threat. I wasn’t that wrong.

“What could tell you that?” I asked.

“The way he searched for you with his gaze when the Oda came to rescue you. And today at dawn, Nobunaga wasn’t even among the troops. It was Ieyasu leading them.”

I couldn’t deny anything.

“Yes, I did consider him my friend.” I wanted to minimize our relationship a bit. I still could get to see Ieyasu as a friend of mine, but it would have taken time that we had yet to spend together.

At this point he stood up again and took the staff.

“I hope you understand that if I get the opportunity to kill anyone allied to Nobunaga, I will.” he said, still looking at me. I disliked his expression this time because he seemed to be pitying me, especially me being still sitting down, so I stood up.

“I do understand.” I said, and started walking beside him once he advanced.

Yes. It was a time of war, after all. I had believed for a while that Kennyo’s motivations were simple revenge. It seemed more, now, that the goal was always a political one, and had only recently become personal as well. So in a way this siege had changed him as a person, but not necessarily in a bad way. Almost no one in my time would have been able to deal with an event like that.

Chapter Text

(Kennyo’s POV)

A scent awakened my still fresh memories of the siege. Even with just the smell of trees and the earth, my mind added the smell of burning wood. I stood facing the direction of the ruins, the South-West.

“What’s going on?” you asked.

“We’re getting close to the Ishiyama Hongan-ji ruins.” I told you.

Even the air seemed drier then and there, as if there was still a fire nearby.

“Kennyo” you said “Tell me about Nobunaga.”

Both of us surely knew what that meant, but I disliked even thinking about him. My memories were those of places and actions rather than people, and they seemed to especially blur his face.

“What about him?”

With that mention I was forced to picture him as fully as I could again.

“What did he do to you?” you asked.

Maybe it was time you knew, just because we’d spent some time together, mostly time I made you spend with me. All other people close to me knew, even if it wasn’t because I’d told them.

“Nothing, not to me. He brutalized the people I cared about, and all I stand-”

Whenever you looked into my eyes, I found it harder to lie to myself. So I stopped the sentence because I couldn’t honestly say I had the same principles as before.

“All I stood for.”

We still looked at each other. I knew I’d been looking at your lips since you explained what kissing was. Strange to think of at first, but then it made sense as something to be done before the sexual act.

“What was it?”

Before I answered that, I felt it was best to know something else. I imagined you might know another side of me and look at me differently. It was time, however, that you knew more and hopefully stopped idolizing me as some wise and kind monk.

“So, did Nobunaga ever kiss you?” I asked.

Your eyes widened in surprise, as I expected, but you didn’t blush.

“Like I said before, I was never his concubine” you said, then changed your tone to a lower one, almost a whisper “And no, we never kissed.”

Even if that was the truth, he probably had done other things.

“I want to believe you.” I said “Maybe you weren’t his concubine, but I find it hard to believe he wouldn’t take advantage of you.”

“He didn’t, ever.” you said, for once seeming rather confident “We didn’t even talk to each other much before you took me.”

I just moved the staff upright to seem now like I was back to being a proper man and proper monk.

“Alright. I know I had no reason to ask. It was just something I wanted to know.” I stated the obvious out of fake politeness.

At this point, I felt like telling you about Nobunaga, at least for the sake of making you know that side of him.

“Nobunaga Oda. He started a siege around Ishiyama Hongan-ji.”

You and I sat beside a tree, about the length of an arm apart. Still I pretended to have forgotten the time I touched 一and some would say stroked一 your abdomen. I told you why the Ikko-Ikki lost and then I ran my mouth some more and at some point noticed you seemed shocked by something I’d said, not sure what. You stared, as if waiting for me to say more.

Remembering Nobunaga made me also remember the face of Tokugawa Ieyasu. His face when the Oda went to take you back from me that first time. In some way, he cared about you. I also wanted to admit I knew about things you.

“I know you’re rather close to Tokugawa Ieyasu. He gave you that dagger, didn’t he?”

Just your facial expression was admitting by itself that it was true before you opened your mouth to leave no doubt.

“What could tell you that?”

“The way he searched for you with his gaze when the Oda came to rescue you. And today at dawn, Nobunaga wasn’t even among the troops. It was Ieyasu leading them.”

“Yes, I did consider him my friend.” you said, still hiding something with that wording. The way you suddenly were much less direct with your phrases made me think you’d become a bit less overly-trusting and naive if you could try to hide things even if you failed. But maybe it was me who’d taken some of that naivety from you. And because of me you might have also learned to trust less. I stood up.

“I hope you understand that if I get the opportunity to kill anyone allied to Nobunaga, I will.”

That was probably the last of the things I wanted to make clear to you, so I wasn’t planning to say much after that.

“I do understand” you said.

In silence, we kept walking. Not towards the ruins, a more obvious move for the Oda, but just towards the East again. I didn’t remember much about the place I’d expect the other monks to be. They probably remembered that place better than I did. More than a place, I guess it was a low-altitude area beyond a heavily-shaded part of the forest valley. Maybe the area most distanced from any civilization I’d ever been. I could only guess we’d reached it when it seemed that night had suddenly fallen. It was just the density of the canopy surrounding something one could call a clearing. Not a manmade clearing, but a deeper area with trees that were dead or dying. It was also much quieter than the rest of the wilderness. This place was even devoid of birds, aside from their carcasses. Maybe this was the real cenotaph for those that died because of the siege.

The silence between us ended when you heard the staffs of the other monks.

“What’s that?” you whispered, as if that could have been a samurai with a noisemaker staff “Oh, that’s your vassals?”

“I don’t have vassals,” I said.

“Oh,” you said, now with a louder voice “right.”

One of them appeared, answering your question, but you didn’t say anything. Then, among the warrior monks, I recognized the face and posture of someone I hadn’t seen in a while. Shingen looked at me for only a second, then turned to look at you, even though he immediately talked to me after walking towards us.

“Long time no see,” he said.

“Shingen” I just said.

“Aren’t you going to introduce this young lady?”

The man took advantage of social conventions. The other monks had also walked closer and I had to hide my dislike for the expectations of politeness, too often confused for kindness.

“Her name is (y/n).” I said “(y/n), this is Takeda Shingen.”

“I think we’ve met before. Haven’t we?” he asked you.

I was thinking you’d see right through that cliche, but you agreed.

“I think we have,” you said.

“So why are you here?” I asked. He still stared at you, just taking glances at other things around him to pretend to be subtle.

“I heard a certain monk kidnapped a woman from the Oda and when I found your monks, I was just too curious not to follow.”

“Who told you about that?”

“Everyone in Azuchi was talking about a woman from the castle being kidnapped by the Ikko-Ikki.”

“So, I’m guessing there’s even more men looking for us right now,” I said.

“Well, if you were to take my woman, I wouldn’t hold back from sending everyone I could.”

“I’m not Nobunaga’s woman,” you said. With that, Shingen went quiet. Being who he was though, it only lasted a few seconds.

“Oh… I see what’s going on.”

You let him talk without question, but I didn’t.

“What are you going on about?”

“I think you’d prefer to discuss it privately.” he said, once again staring at you while talking to me.

“(y/n), please stay here. I’ll be back soon.” I said, but your arms were already crossed on your chest.

“Why can’t I listen?” you asked.

Shingen answered for me:

“Kennyo wouldn’t like to risk it. The more you know, the more can be used against you, sweetheart.”

“She’s not your sweetheart.” I said, although truly I was also glad he had mercy on me and didn’t say anything about the obvious fact we were going to talk about you.

You just kept quiet and let us both walk away, towards a more lively and noisy part beyond the clearing.

“Do you really have nothing better to do than to chase around a woman just to say a few words to her?”

“Yes, I don’t. So, is she going to be the mother to your future abbot heir?”

“Listen, Shingen. I’m planning it for real. I’m serious about killing Nobunaga, and we have a pretty good chance if you join.”

“Don’t change the topic.” he said, but then went on “And how exactly do we have more of a chance now?”

“His men are dispersed looking for her. The issue is that he doesn’t seem to want to go out himself for her. Tokugawa Ieyasu went instead last time. We just need to find a way to summon him. Surely if all his enemies and their allies go all out just once, he’ll be over.”

He was finally silent for a moment.

“I guess I can ask Kenshin for help. But I’m confident in just my own men and Yukimura’s.”

“I think we better play it safe,” I said.

“Alright.” he said, and went back to his brainless little smile “Regarding the woman, don’t think I don’t know what’s going on. You’re into her.”

Before giving away anything, I realized there was no way for him to know something like that for sure just from seeing us together for a minute.

“Oh?” I said “Am I?”

“Don’t try to put the question back on me. You like her.”

I figured he was saying it just to see if I’d admit it outright.

“I’m a follower of Buddha.”

“No one said you weren’t.” he said “I also heard this is the second time the same monk took her. Interesting, isn’t it? Why didn’t you just kill her or keep her until they’d surrender that first time?”

He was right from his own perspective, but at the time it was a decision that had nothing to do with compassion. I didn’t want to pointlessly sacrifice more of my men if the Oda came back with more warriors. This time I would ideally have more backup.

“When-” I started.

“Obviously that’s just a rhetorical question. I know the answer.” he said “You’re a man, and there’s a point in life you can’t resist natural urges anymore.”

His wording was what bothered me the most. He could just call it what it is: lust.

“I don’t have any urges to resist in the first place. Anyways, I don’t have anything to explain to you. You already got your curiosity about her satisfied, didn’t you?”

“Alright, I get it. You don’t want to have me look at her too much and all.”

“All I want is to kill Nobunaga. If I have her love in the process, then so be it.” I said. Although I liked to be transparent with my thoughts, I hadn’t planned to say that second sentence. I hadn’t even thought of it. The words came out at almost the same speed as my mind created the phrase. It figures my mind wouldn’t let me hide too much from someone who already knew me well.

Chapter Text

While Kennyo spoke with Shingen, I walked around the place. His men kept their eyes on me to make sure I wouldn’t get too far. They came back and Shingen immediately looked at me with that smile. Kennyo avoided looking at me, although he stood closer to me and by my side, while Shingen faced me meters away.

“I guess I better get going.” Shingen said “I have some things to take care of before I see you two again.”

Weird thing to say, and it was also strange that he simply left on his own, but I guess he was able to defend himself anyway.

“Alright.” Kennyo said “Thank you for your help.”

They looked at each other for a second, and Shingen made a half-bow or nod to me, aside from smiling. I returned it, a bit too late for him to see me bowing fully.

“Don’t feel like you have to tell him anything.” he said, still looking at the trees in the distance.

“Is he an ally of yours?” I asked.

“We have an enemy in common.” he said “So I guess he is.”

Beyond that, it even seemed that he was a friend of his. Shingen was friendly towards him and Kennyo wasn’t openly hostile towards him, even seemed to trust him.

He started walking towards those trees. By this point, the other monks had already dispersed.

“His men could see us here from a high place here.” Kennyo said “We shouldn’t be on the clearing during the day.”

I followed him to the surroundings, where the trees were closer together. Aside from everything else about him, I was amazed at how he was able to just sit down (or stand up) and do nothing, not even talk for minutes on end. I figured that for someone like him, his thoughts were entertaining enough. It was easy for me to see how much more fast-paced the future-present was in comparison. I hadn’t yet gotten used to doing nothing.

Regardless of what seemed the most appropriate, I sat down close to him, trying to think of stuff to entertain myself too. But I stood up again soon after.

“What are you so restless about?” he asked “Are you waiting to be found?”

“Not really,” I said, without thinking much about it. He looked at me but closed his eyes again.

“I asked Shingen about this ‘kissing’” He said. That took me by surprise. Was he that curious?

“What did he tell you?” I asked and sat down close to him again, but in front and not beside him.

“He said it was done overseas, as you know.” He said “Asked me who’d told me about it, but he’d already figured it out. He just said there were different types of kissing.”

“Well, yeah, actually not all are on the mouth. Sometimes you might press your lips against someone’s cheek or what have you.” I said, and then wondered if he was trying to talk about it for a reason other than curiosity of the foreign.

He didn’t reply with words, rather by opening his eyes and looking around. Even though I loved his serene expression, I wanted to see how much I could push it and see his reactions.

“It’s actually called a French kiss when two people open their mouths while kissing and their tongues make contact.”

His gaze was still on our surroundings, but his face got redder and he closed his eyes again, as if pretending to not have heard or understood it. Even if he’d never heard of such a thing, he could probably figure out that it was some sort of foreplay.

“What’s ‘French’?” he asked.

“It’s a country… Or I guess a ‘kingdom’ in Europe.” I said, remembering that there was no such thing as a Nation-State in these times, not sure if he even knew what Europe was exactly.

“I don’t know much about Europeans.” he said “Aside from the fact that they have firearms. And lick each other’s tongues.”

The way he said that last part had some disgust in its tone. In a way, it was almost funny because it was something that seemed so trivial to me, but I also concluded that it would be pretty difficult to get him aroused at all. I didn’t love admitting it, but the thought of him temporarily losing those principles to his human nature was really something I wanted to see.

“Well, they also kiss the hand.” I said “Men will kiss a woman’s hand as a gesture of respect.”

“I’d imagine it would be more respectful to not touch her at all.” he said.

“Well, different… places have different ways of looking at things.” I said.

“They sure do.” he said, again closing his eyes “People like to stick to some order to make sense of their lives.”

Also what he was doing himself as a monk, but I wasn’t about to tell him that.

“The world is chaotic naturally.” I said, then wanted to soften my certainty in front of him “Don’t you think?”

“That’s right,” he said, “Order is very weak. Everyone wants to dominate nature in a different way and it doesn’t last or it has to change. But we do need some order even if it’s not natural, if we want to live with others.”

“I guess that’s true.” I said, and let him meditate for a while while I tried to take a nap resting my back on a tree.

At some point, I opened my eyes and saw Kennyo walking from afar. I heard some footsteps and after looking towards where I heard them, I saw a monk walking towards me.

“Lady (y/n), it seems a vassal of the Oda has sent this for you.” he said, and held a rolled-up paper.

“Oh, thank you.” I was about to reach for it and he said:

“Wait, I’ll open it. It could have some toxic plant.” he said, and unrolled the paper with the inked side facing away from him, towards the ground. Nothing fell from it.

I was trying to maintain a serious expression so he wouldn’t think I was making fun of him. Only because he was trying to make sure I was safe even though I came from an enemy group and there was no reason the Oda would want to harm me. Not that I knew of, anyway.

“Thanks,” I repeated, and just took the paper.

“We have to leave soon, too, since they’re now pretty close.” he said.

“Yes.”

I shouldn’t have been surprised to see it was Ieyasu’s signature at the end.

“Miss (y/n),

I only send this because I want to be honest with you and give you the best chance at survival. The Oda are planning to kill Kennyo and they probably will. Forgive me for intruding, but for the sake of information I found a letter from someone in your bedroom. Someone I can only assume to be an Ikko-Ikki monk. It seems to me you might not have been kidnapped, exactly, and could be now even planning to marry the monk as we speak. Don’t think that could end in some truce between the Oda and them. That is not possible. Beyond principles, there’s a history of personal disgrace that has made Nobunaga specifically hate the Ikko-Ikki and made them hate him just as much.

I’ve not told anyone else about what I saw in that letter to you. If you come back to us when we inevitably find you, claim you were abducted once again and you’ll be welcomed back into the castle with open arms. That’s the most I can do to ensure your safety if you’re willing to forget about the monk.

-Tokugawa Ieyasu”

The fact that he’d even been one to read that letter scared me. At first I was afraid they would see me as a traitor. But treason of what type? I never belonged to them. They hadn’t taken me out of the kindness of their hearts but because Nobunaga wanted to have me as his property. The fact that Ieyasu ended up liking and wanted to protect me was still something I appreciated, but it was incidental. All I knew is I was glad I brought the letter to Kennyo with me even if I wasn’t planning on giving it to him. The comment about Nobunaga might have made it clear it was addressed to Kennyo specifically. I also appreciated that he was seemingly thinking of my safety, but his suggestion was also a way they could just retrieve me without the risk of being outnumbered by the monks (even if that wasn’t very likely considering how few of them were with us). I preferred to believe that he was also avoiding any conflict with anyone while also thinking of keeping me alive.

“The Oda are close.” I heard with Kennyo’s voice.

“Yes.” I replied, finding him and walking towards him “Let’s leave now.”

Eventually we walked past a flooded rice field, and while I awaited seeing the Oda and even Ieyasu with them, I kept glancing at Kennyo. The first time I’d written down that I’d fallen in love had been more impulsive, in the heat of the moment, because I’d been lonely. But I hadn’t been feeling lonely, and I could still feel it just as strongly. From the things he would say, his gestures, and his appearance. One that at first glance made him look like the villain of any movie, but quickly became something that just added to his handsome face. His tenderness, that was hidden but clearly difficult for him to hide. I wanted to stop walking right there and tell him how I felt, but it would have been the worst possible moment.

Instead, I decided to do something that would be more useful for that moment yet tell him vaguely about how I really felt.

“I don’t want them to take me.” I said, and then realized I didn’t know what could even be said after that.

He then turned to look at me, not looking as confused as I had expected him to.

“I just want you to fight knowing that.” I said, almost as an apology for having said that for no reason.

“I don’t want them to take you either.” he said, looking towards the fields. He removed the top of the staff to reveal the blade and then looked at it instead.

His lack of surprise at my statement worried me in a way. It wasn’t the moment to think of that, but I wondered if there was some way he’d noticed my letter inside my kimono and read it. But that would mean him reaching inside my clothes and reading something he’d known was private, so I would doubt it coming from him. It was also possible that my gestures and words were just very transparent for him. But of course he’d said nothing about it. Then again, he was the one to bring up the concept of kissing again. I was just thinking about all of these when I should have been the most concentrated on my surroundings. At some point we were past the fields and in an area with some trees, not as dense as the place from before. At least I could trust him to be the one focused.

“There’s someone here.” he whispered.

For whatever reason and not even thinking of what for, I reached for the dagger.

Chapter Text

(Kennyo’s POV)

Only a second passed between the moment I told you there was someone around and someone actually coming out from behind a tree. It was Tokugawa Ieyasu. He only glanced at you before staring at me.

“So this is the monk?” he asked “Kennyo himself?”

He had a strong grip on his katana. At first I thought it was just an obvious way of acknowledging out loud that I was indeed the man in front of him. Then he said your name.

“(y/n)”

And I glanced at you for a second, to see that you were also looking intently at him. This only added to the idea that maybe you weren’t Nobunaga’s concubine, but his.

“Yes.” you said “Kennyo is who… I’m with.”

I didn’t have time to think too long about what exactly that meant. He responded immediately.

“The Oda aren’t too far from me.” he said, still gripping the weapon and looking at me, but now I knew it was you he talked to “You still have a chance if you want it.”

“I don’t want it.” you said. With that I imagined he would attack, and took the naginata with both hands. Even after that and changing its position so it was pointing at him, he didn’t get any closer “I’ve already thought about it.”

“Alright, then.” he simply said “But he is an enemy of my ally, as you knew.”

“Yes.” you replied, and on my peripheral vision I noticed you turned to look at me. Ieyasu looked disappointed, though not as much as I would expect from a situation like this one. I started to hear footsteps getting closer, and turned towards the sound with the naginata pointed at it.

From a distance I noticed one of them was Nobunaga. It seemed he’d decided to fight to have you back after all. During the few seconds I looked away, I noticed that Ieyasu turned to hide himself behind some trees away from both of us and from the Oda.

“Keep an eye on Ieyasu.” I said to you “He’s trying to hide somewhere.” 

I’m sure you might have been at least slightly insulted by the insinuation that a supposedly honor-bound samurai would attack someone from the back, but knew to take it as a possibility. 

The Oda weren’t able to get that close to us before the monks emerged from the woods around them and started fighting with some men at the front. They weren’t immediately able to strike anyone down, as it was to be expected.

“Give the girl back and I won’t kill any of your men.” Nobunaga shouted as he got closer.

“Get behind me” I told you instead of having to direct any words to him, even said something obvious to you “Fight with that knife if you have to.”

My fear was more that you’d be taken away rather than that you’d be hurt, since it seemed it was never about killing you, not at that point. But I wasn’t going to tell you to avoid being taken back.

As soon as Nobunaga was close enough, I tried to figure out the angle of his weapon in a second. What I wanted was to break the blade. I dodged his first strike and went for one, thinking he’d have to take a moment to balance himself, but it was even shorter than I anticipated, and he was about to slice me then. It seemed the sheer rage I felt when seeing his face was what made my reflexes refuse to get hurt by him.

“No!” I heard you shout “Nobunaga! Don’t kill him!”

Neither of us even took a moment to react to it.

“I want to stay with him.” you said “You don’t have to take me back.”

We both froze and stared at each other’s poses.

“I’m sorry… that you had to make all this just for me.” you said, still trying to find some way to sympathize with the Oda “Thank you for everything you all did for me.”

“No, that’s not what it’s about.” Nobunaga said, staring at me. Of course it wasn’t “You’re mine. I’m getting you back. You can’t belong to anyone else, much less this man.”

Now you understood that nothing of what you said mattered to him. He fixed his gaze on me and kept talking.

“The Ikko-Ikki” he continued, “It doesn’t matter how much I step on them. They just keep coming back to life like roaches.”

Suddenly it felt like it was much colder behind me. Your sweet voice then said my name in an anxious voice that wanted to be a whisper. Then I heard Ieyasu’s voice, also behind me, saying something like ‘...her, Lord Nobunaga’.

“No.” I said as I turned around, not thinking about it. I was about to turn my whole body around to bring you closer when I felt something familiar I had almost forgotten. It was an extreme cold, localized horizontally from my chest to my waist, and reaching my back. Something in the center of my soul cracked almost at the same time I felt the blade slicing through. You had been facing me, and on you I saw an expression I never wanted to see on your face again: one of horror. You saw me irrationally turn around towards you, only to turn back around while forcing his blade away with the pole and hopefully making the edge blunter.

Before I even saw the expression on Nobunaga’s face, I took the naginata by the bottom with both hands and reached for his neck with it. He tried to block it with his own blade and was able to just get a scratch, but the clang of the blades was enough to make him want to protect the katana from breaking. Before either of us were able to strike again, I felt your arms wrapped around my torso. Nobunaga stopped just before his blade reached mine, probably because of the shock from your boldness rather than not wanting to kill you.

“Let’s just go.” you said. I kept watching Nobunaga for his next move.

“Lord Nobunaga, please reconsider.” Ieyasu said.

Not sure what Ieyasu’s intention was, but nothing could have changed Nobunaga’s mind at that point. The pain he’d caused us, and the inconveniences the Ikko-Ikki had meant for him were too much.

“It’s too late to reconsider,” he replied.

I saw the wound on his neck gushing blood and felt my own wound stinging from the contact with my sweat. My blood made my clothes stick to my skin. At least it seemed my bones had protected my organs from the blade. Then I thought that could be the beginning of another era for me, one aside from allowing the destruction of the fortress, one with a different view of killing the warriors who were simply unlucky enough to get in the way of killing Nobunaga. It was almost my atonement, but more like a change in the direction of my behaviour. There was regret, but not an apology made to rid myself of guilt.

For whatever reason, Ieyasu got in front of me to face Nobunaga.

“Go!” he shouted, but not at him.

You wrapped your arms around my shoulders, and walked away from them all.

“Retreat!” I shouted to the monks.

It was pointless to try and kill them now when the attack had been towards us and not us trying to kill them in the first place. And they’d brought just a few men, but we were even fewer after the long way from the woods beside Azuchi to the fields by an unknown village.

The other lords stopped Nobunaga from pursuing us, maybe because they noticed the bleeding from his neck wouldn’t stop. The monks followed me, as I went further into the outskirts of the village. We hadn’t disturbed their fields, and I figured they’d leave us alone if we left them alone.

“You’re bleeding.” you said “Let’s stop for a moment.”

“No, the monks are more wounded than I am.” I said “And if I can walk, I’m alright.”

At some point we found a new clearing, a smaller one, and no sign of the Oda anywhere. I lied down on the ground. You only sat down beside me.

“You haven’t slept.” I said.

“Maybe I should go back.” you said, and I felt the impulse to sit up.

“What for?”

Weird coming from you, you turned your gaze away from me.

“If it means they won’t target you again…” you said.

“They won’t stop just because you go back.” I said, which I really did believe, “And no, I absolutely can’t allow you to go.”

“Why not?”

At this point, I knew I had a specific attachment to you, something to be avoided. But now it was already there in me and it was smarter to recognize it. Regardless, it was also for your safety to not go back. That allowed me to speak with full certainty.

“They will kill you.”

“No” you said, “Ieyasu’s my friend. Didn’t you see how he made Nobunaga let us go?”

“You already declared you wanted to stay with me. You rejected Nobunaga. At best you’d be a prisoner in the castle and at worst they would torture you until there’s nothing left of you.”

“I’m really going to have to disagree.” you said, smiling, as if what I proposed was impossible. You got your hands on the ground to support yourself as you stood up. “I’ll just talk to Ieyasu-”

“You aren’t going anywhere.” I said, taking your forearm to stop you.

The way you turned to look at me was different from what I’ve seen of you. I could even think you were angry. 

“You know I’m not afraid of you.” you said.

Usually that would be a good thing, but now it was inconvenient. I remembered not even hours ago, you being bold enough to say that I was who you ‘were with’, but I decided not to mention it. I couldn’t and didn’t want to scare you anymore, and I knew you would be one to listen to reasoning and be open to changing her mind.

“I’m the one who’s afraid” I said, which caused you to drop the frown. I liked to see that look of surprise on your face, knowing I could still do things you found unexpected as you did to me.

“You chose to stay with me in front of Nobunaga.” I said “If you did it because it’s what you really wanted, don’t back down now just because you’re afraid of what might happen.”

We looked at each other in silence, as if I was daring you to try to run away and you were daring me to grab your arm harder.

“Alright” you said “I’ll stay with you.”

I let go of your hand. When you bent over before sitting down, I noticed a folded paper sticking out of your clothes.

“Is that a letter?” I asked.

For some reason, it then seemed you were indeed afraid of me. You were silent and looked at the ground. There was clearly something in it not meant for me to see. You even laid a hand over it to press it back inside your clothes.

Chapter Text

There was a field he brought us close to, but we stayed hidden by some trees. Beyond that field was probably the village that had those rice paddies. For some reason, the idea of them possibly seeing us made me uneasy even if he was apparently not even thinking about it.

“You haven’t slept.” he said. I was drowsy, but I wouldn’t have been able to fall asleep there.

“Maybe I should go back.” I said. I wasn’t even explicit as to where, but his face and the fact he tried to get up made it clear he did understand.

“What for?”

“If it means they won’t target you again…” I said. I wanted to finish the sentence, but I was resisting the urge to touch his face.

“They won’t stop just because you go back.” he said “And no, I absolutely can’t allow you to go.”

His phrasing and tone bothered me, again that era-appropriate feeling of his authority over me.

“Why not?”

“They will kill you.” he said with that expressionless face, and a certainty that I didn’t often hear from him.

I knew he had no reason to lie, but I still felt what he said was questionable.

“No, Ieyasu’s my friend. Didn’t you see how he made Nobunaga let us go?”

“You already declared you wanted to stay with me. You rejected Nobunaga. At best you’d be a prisoner in the castle and at worst they would torture you until there’s nothing left of you.”

I can’t deny I did picture something like that in my mind, just because I didn’t know Nobunaga and his limits. And from what I knew, some people in this era were fully willing to torture someone just to let off steam. At least if they were powerful enough.

“I’m really going to have to disagree,” I said, thinking of Ieyasu. I was sure he’d never let that happen “I’ll just talk to Ieyasu-”

As soon as I got up, Kennyo took my arm.

“You aren’t going anywhere.”

I knew he was faking the usual threatening expression and tone. His eyebrows made a slight frown, but his lips made that half-smile. A smirk that before could have felt somewhat real, but now it seemed he was trying to cling to the last bits of power he could have over me. And for what?

“You know I’m not afraid of you.” I said.

With that, he broke the expression I’d known him for.

“I’m the one who’s afraid,” he said, looking into my eyes. His voice was naturally rough-sounding but he had always spoken in a hushed way.

“You chose to stay with me in front of Nobunaga.” he said “If you did it because it’s what you really wanted, don’t back down now just because you’re afraid of what might happen.”

The wording was strange, but he was right. I’d already made that decision.

“Alright.” I said “I’ll stay with you.”

After saying that, I sat down beside him to let him know I was serious. I expected him to say something like ‘Tomorrow we leave to go here and there’. Instead, he said:

“Is that a letter?”

It only took a second for me to realize what he was talking about. It figures it was only a matter of time until he found it. But I hadn’t been thinking of that possibility of what I’d do if he did. Another issue is that even though it was fairly recent, the letter showed its age. It was written during an especially hormonal and lonely moment, and with a bit more innocence about both Kennyo and Nobunaga.

“Yes.” I said.

“Let me see it,” he said, reaching his hand out to me.

His imperative wording said more than his soft tone of voice. It was by far smarter to give it to him than to hide it and put suspicion on myself, so I just handed it. I wouldn’t blame him for the frown he made in that moment. He probably expected something much more serious.

For some reason, having a person read my writing in front of me is something I always found embarrassing, so I looked away as he started to read it. But I was also curious about his reaction, so I kept glancing at him. I couldn’t even tell that he’d finished reading it until he folded the paper again and there was a smile on his face, although he was still looking at it.

I said nothing because I refused to be the first to speak after that, but my heart kept beating hard. I trusted that he would at least not turn me down definitively, but I wished I’d had more time to show him an interesting side of me. Before he looked at me, he took my hand. By itself, it was a vague gesture, but he didn’t touch me much unless he had to. At first I thought it was a way to tell me he liked me, as a person at least. Then he took my hand to his lips and kissed it. As I stared at him and my hand, he kept it close to his face and I could feel him breathing by it. I wanted him to touch his own face with my hand, but he kept looking away just gently holding my hand, and then looked at me.

There was no right way to react to that. I feared that he would push me away, but I still got closer and took him by the shoulders, then pressed my lips to his. I didn’t expect him to respond quickly, but he took my clothes near the neckline to keep us close together. He then kissed my forehead and temples, his eyes closed as if he had a spatial memory of my face. Both of us opened our eyes and he had a pretty serious look. When I thought he would stop, he took my hand again and kissed my cheek.

I was afraid he would suddenly have a moment of clarity and stop because he knew he ‘shouldn’t be touching a woman’, so I wanted to keep him thinking of nothing else. I took the sides of his face in my hands and got his lips to the level of mine. Before I could kiss him again, he touched my wrists, not taking them as much as wrapping his fingers around them. Then I took his lower lip with my own lips. I was thinking of nothing, just feeling. And I wished I could have some way for my mind to recreate the perfect sensation of his lips on mine after we stopped kissing.

“We shouldn’t be doing this out here.” he then said, and moved to sit beside a tree.

I wanted to say that nobody was watching anyway, but I figured it was his way of saying he didn’t want to continue for whatever reason. In any case, I didn’t make any movement to stand up. Neither did he. I ended up sitting beside him and resting my head on his shoulder. He was silent as he also rested his head on the tree. There was a slight cool breeze but because of him I was warm enough.

After a while, I opened my eyes and realized I had fallen asleep. Kennyo had either not slept or he woke up before I did. It was morning, a sight I felt I wouldn’t see again because of how long that night had seemed. He took the staff and got up.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, not having seen anything that would make us have to leave.

“There is someone around us, can’t you hear?” he whispered while I also got up.

“No.” I had to say.

After the encounter with the Oda, it seemed this other person approaching was just another example of us not being able to be at peace for more than a few hours. But I was wrong.

“That’s Kenshin’s vassal.” he said “And Shingen’s.”

It was a very general wording to me, but as two figures got closer, I recognized them both almost at the same time.

“That’s Sasuke.” I mindlessly whispered.

“Do you know him?” he asked.

“Yes, we’ve seen each other a few times.”

Kennyo was silent as the other guys approached us. He was grabbing the staff but didn’t point it like a spear at their direction like I’d seen him do before.

What I heard was my own name in Sasuke’s voice. Kennyo didn’t seem to react.

“What are you here for?” he asked when they were within earshot.

They waited until they were about a meter away from us to speak again.

“We want to take you to Kasugayama castle.” Yukimura said “Shingen thinks this is the critical moment to strike.”

“Lord Kenshin wants to take part in any fight, as you know.” Sasuke said to Kennyo.

“Yes, I figured Shingen would plan something like that.” Kennyo said.

“What are we gonna do, then?” I asked him.

“We’ll go to the castle.” Kennyo said “Is Shingen there?”

“Yes.” Yukimura said.

“Shingen said he didn’t want to put the woman at risk here in the wilderness.” Sasuke said.

“He’s got intentions behind saying that, but he’s right.” Kennyo told me.

“Let’s start going, then.” Sasuke said.

“No” Kennyo replied “The monks are still out there. I’ll have to tell them to get their horses. Wait here, (y/n).”

“Yes.” I said, and saw him walk away.

“I notice you two seem to have become very close.” Sasuke said to me once Kennyo was far from us.

“We had been avoiding the Oda for a while together.” I said, not sure how else to deny it without lying “He’d initially taken me as a captive.”

As I expected, he went straight to the point:

“I don’t know him well, but if you associate yourself with him, you might not be accepted back with the Oda.”

“I’ve already given up on that, Sasuke.”

That was admitting that I had already chosen Kennyo over the Oda, but I knew that no facts given by Sasuke could change my mind at that point.

“The monks are coming.” he said “Let’s go get the horses.”

All of them, including Kennyo, approached us slowly on horseback.

“No need to rush yet, better to save the horses’ energy than to need it later.”

They’d brought a small enclosed carriage that seemed makeshift but it was very appreciated. I turned to look at Kennyo as I went inside, feeling as if his duties had separated us. His face was serious, which was appropriate for the situation but it felt strange since just a few hours before, we’d been making out in the woods.

“Alright. Let’s go.” Yukimura said.

Chapter Text

The carriage was small enough to make me feel somehow safer than if it was larger. The opening that acted as a window was too small for someone to be able to move an arm well if they got it inside. What I worried about instead was the possibility that the action between Kennyo and I would plateau after that, and maybe he would never mention the kiss again or he would even tell me he regretted it. At the very least though, he kept speaking to me. The ‘walls’ of the carriage were thin enough to hear chatter outside, but not to make out their words unless they were close. At some point, however, Kennyo got his horse closer to the carriage and said:

“You’ve known your enemies for a longer time than I thought.” he said “Or rather, you’ve known the enemies of the Oda.”

“Sasuke is also from… the same era as me.” I said, figuring it wouldn’t make much difference for him to know “He just happened to land close to Kasugayama castle, just as I happened to be found first by the Oda.”

In a softer voice, one probably impossible to hear if we’d be going any faster, he said:

“I guess whatever made you come to this time couldn’t force you to stay with them.”

That was true. It wasn’t like it was destiny, or that I was meant to stay with them. I still appreciated everything they’d done for me, but now that I knew what else the world had to offer, I couldn’t go back to being stuck in that castle again. Especially not after knowing that Kennyo was someone out there, outside of the castle barriers. I couldn’t go back to the castle and then betray them by still seeking him.

“No.” I said “I can’t go back to them.”

Either Kennyo’s face was showing him remembering the kiss, or I was interpreting that on him. He looked away at nothing and then at the sky, even though he squinted at the sunlight.

I kept daydreaming and looking outside, longing for the other castle where I could be safe from the outdoor risks and be with Kennyo. After a while, the men started speaking to each other at a fast tempo. Kennyo’s horse was suddenly approaching me from outside.

The carriage stopped moving. Just before I went to move the curtain away, I heard the horses becoming anxious, and then a loud thud. I hadn’t taken enough time to understand what was happening, so I moved the curtain and was met with the face of no one I’d seen before. I still didn’t know how to interpret what I was seeing, because of how fast it all was. Then I saw that Kennyo, being behind the man, took him by the neck and tried to pull him away from me. That was enough to make me reach for the dagger and stab the man, just jabbing the blade somewhere on his face. It landed in his eye. When I heard him scream, I took it away and let it fall to the carriage’s floor, then stepped on it so he couldn’t reach for it. Blood was then rushing from his socket. I was afraid I had just done something regrettable, so I didn't say or do anything else. He wailed but the impact didn’t make him fall on his back, and he kept gripping the sides of the carriage. As the man kept screaming, Kennyo grabbed him and tossed him to the ground outside.

“(y/n)” I heard Kennyo say “Are you alright?”

I wasn’t sure if I was ready to speak. I just went outside to show him I wasn’t hurt. The man wasn’t dead. Rather, he kept covering his eye with one hand. He wasn’t silent until his neck was sliced as he knelt on the grass. My eyes followed the head rolling on the dirt, leaving a trail of blood that kept going downhill. After killing him, Yukimura turned to look at me. He barely looked like the same person I’d known from before. I’d known him to be serious, but now he was cold. I looked away, and noticed there were some other bodies scattered around us. I wasn’t able to see whether they were headless, not before I heard Kennyo’s voice.

“Let’s go.” Kennyo said, and they all went back on their horses. I entered the carriage again, welcomed by the sight of the dagger still on top of red-stained wood. I left it there, then let it slide under my seat as the carriage moved uphill. Only by moving my eyes around did I notice there were some burgundy stains on some other spots, far from the fresher spot I’d made. The cleanest wood was directly in front of me, at eye level. I was wondering how many people had died inside the carriage before. It was a makeshift and simple one, obviously meant for these types of situations.

It took a while until they stopped again. There seemed to be no road to be followed there, just a natural space with some sparser trees, not quite a clearing. I went outside, only to see that night had fallen. I hadn’t paid attention to anything but the wood in front of me for some time.

“I think we might have thrown them off now.” Yukimura said.

That answered the question I was glad I didn’t have to ask out loud.

“Hey,” he then said, once he turned to look at me “I saw that. You were great, I didn’t know you had it in you.”

I stared at him because I hadn’t understood. At first I thought there was something special about the way I had left the carriage or walked on the grass.

Yukimura was smiling. I could see Sasuke was surprised, but I wasn’t sure whether his expression was meant for Yukimura or me.

“Don’t discuss that with her.” Kennyo said, still on his horse “She had no reason to be in that situation in the first place.”

“But she did it.” Sasuke said, “she protected herself.”

“I didn’t kill him.” I said.

The image of the man’s body came back to me. For some reason it was more horrifying than the head. It’s as if you would find his body and assume him to be just wounded or dying, then get close enough and see that the body ended with a stump, the neck. 

“I know, I know.” Yukimura said. It was odd that now he was more like the guy I knew him as.

I took another glance at Kennyo. He was looking at me. I wasn’t sure in the dark, but he seemed to be staring, not with a glare nor smile. Just as he started walking towards me, Yukimura said:

“Alright, we didn’t buy that much time. Let’s go.”

There was just a moment in which we looked at each other, and I tried to smile but couldn’t do it before he turned away. I went back inside and closed my eyes after sitting down.

For a second I panicked, putting my hands on the frame of the opening to leave the carriage. What I felt was the need to escape this time period at all costs. Almost immediately I started to feel the opposite as I started to calm down. There was no way I could go back and drag the trauma from a different time. I could barely picture living in a city of the future-present: the crowds, the rushing. It was a place without the people I’d already become close to, without Ieyasu’s protectiveness, without Kennyo’s frugal rice porridge or him in general. There would be no one like Kennyo in the 21st century.

This time was both more violent and more calm. It was less stable, but also slower. I had never had as much free time back in the future as now, although it was odd to call it free time. It was just time that I wasn’t doing something I had to do at that moment. And in this past, I had less of a responsibility in some ways. It was risky to end it, but my ties to the Oda were apparently over. There was nothing for them to expect of me anymore.

It was probably the middle of the night when we arrived at the castle. Kennyo got off the horse before I went outside, and I found myself face to face with him as I stood up to leave. I noticed he was reaching his hand out to me. I placed my hand over his, curious to know what he’d do. He drove my hand towards his face and closed his eyes. Then he kissed my hand, as he’d done before. Now, away from his horse, he was at a lower level than I was, and it almost felt like I was a princess and he was a knight that kissed my hand as a gesture of devotion.

“Kennyo” I simply said, but started to feel my eyes getting watery.

At that moment it seemed to me that I was just relieved. When he kissed my hand, I could see how he was treating me the same way he did before I stabbed someone in the face. I didn’t yet understand that I was also leaving the state of shock that I had been on for the last hours.

But it seemed he figured it out first. He looked into my eyes, and my lips that were starting to twitch.

“Nothing’s going to happen to you here.” he said “We’re done running away. For a while, at least.”

He started to caress my hand with his thumb, while looking at me. I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my other hand and left the carriage to stand up on the ground. I wanted to say more, I wasn’t sure what, but it wasn’t a private enough moment and place.

We went into the castle together, and one of the first people to meet us was Shingen.

“Oh, hello again, you two.” he said.

“Hi, Shingen.” I said to him. Kennyo said nothing, he just nodded.

“You must be tired.” Shingen then said to me “Let me show you to your room.”

It took me until that moment to realize that I was indeed, very tired. For some reason, I was expecting him to jokingly offer to sleep in the same room or bed as me. Although he seemed to be in a good (or usual) mood, Shingen just slid the door, keeping it very straightforward.

“I hope you enjoy your stay. I’m glad to have you as guests, but I’d rather not go on for too long, since you must want to just rest.”

I did as expected, got inside and looked for sleepwear around the room. After I found the clothes folded, I looked back into the hall. Kennyo and Shingen were looking at each other.

“You aren’t going in?” Shingen asked him.

“Oh?” he said, and then he went inside, then spoke to me “If it’s alright with you.”

I noticed Shingen smile right before he left. I wasn’t sure when he’d figured it out. Surely news didn’t travel that fast, unless he had noticed it the previous time he’d seen us.

“Yes, it is.” I said to him “It wouldn’t be the first time.”

“This castle has many bedrooms.” he said to me “Sleeping in the same room is sleeping as a couple.”

“I guess it is.”

In that moment I wasn’t sure if he was implying that we would have sex, but I didn’t ask about it. I decided to not force it, but I wasn’t yet sure what I would do if he did propose it. Not that I expected him to.

“I’ll get changed.” I said, trying not to give any connotations on either side.

“I’ll go outside, then.” he said to me.

I didn’t stop him from leaving momentarily. It wasn’t really the moment, not just hours after what had happened. In any case, it was clear at least he had affection for me, enough to kiss my hand on two different occasions.

“I’m done.” I said once I was dressed again.

He walked back inside, and I myself left as he got changed as well. Once I was inside again, he looked at me with a sleepy face that I wasn’t sure how to interpret. I didn’t want to be the first one to make a move, but I walked closer and touched his chin. I took it with my index and thumb, the same way he’d done to mine much before on that time I thought he was about to kiss me.

I couldn’t keep myself from placing one kiss on his lips, just as I had imagined him doing to me that day as I was writing that letter and thinking of him. He took my wrists from his chin, still that soft expression on his face, and said:

“You should sleep.”

Not that I was angry, but I decided to say and do nothing else than just get in the futon after that, and I faced away from him. After he got in it beside me, I felt his hand on my waist. Before I drifted off to sleep, I felt his fingers stroking my hip, and I placed my own fingers on his to signal that I understood the message.

Chapter Text

(Kennyo’s POV)

Another day. A gift, an unwanted gift maybe, but a gift nonetheless. In the morning, I left the room before I saw you wake up. There was space for two or three people between us when we fell asleep, yet we’d gotten a bit closer throughout the night. I imagined the shape that your body had under those clothes, but stopped myself when it started to feel like something Shingen would do.

The halls were empty, and then the first person I saw around was, of course, the man himself.

“Shingen.”

“Had a good night’s rest?” he asked.

“Yes” I said in the driest way I could.

“It doesn’t seem to have been good enough,” he replied.

Instead of humoring him, I walked away.

“Are you afraid?” he asked once my back was to him.

“Of what?” I couldn’t stop myself from falling for his taunting, and turned around.

“Afraid you might ruin it all.” His expression was suddenly serious, although I was expecting him to show me a grin at any moment.

“I’m simply not like you.” I said.

“Don’t try to lie to me” he said, with that same stoic expression that was hard to take seriously “I know you. And it’s obvious you want her.”

“Why would I use her that way?” I told him, suddenly deciding to be sincere, maybe expecting him to give it a rest with that “To have my way with her, then give her back to the Oda?”

“You won’t give her back.” he said, eyes widening “And I don’t think she wants to go back either.”

Regardless, it wasn’t the time. You had just seen things that would change you. For that reason, I couldn’t pretend you were still as innocent as before, but if this story about the future was all true, you were indeed innocent in regards to this world. I couldn’t take the vulnerable moment of you seeing someone’s death for my own pleasure.

At least, I felt that way until the afternoon, when I recognized your soft voice as I walked around the castle, and was about to walk towards that pleasant sound when I recognized Shingen’s voice as well. Listening to the conversation at least appeased my selfish, jealous thoughts.

“I can assure you he is just resisting his own urges” he was saying. “If you show him you want it, he won’t be able to resist it anymore.”

The lecherous man was likely trying to see or hear some activity from our room. I had to admit, however, that the scenario he proposed to you was exciting. How would you show me you wanted it? I imagined you undressing in front of me suddenly and looking me in the eyes, as if challenging me to get undressed as well. Desiring. Wanting, even, to be desired. I felt a wish to separate myself from my own actions and thoughts, knowing that it was all only me.

“But he is a religious man.” you replied.

“But a man, after all.” he said, quietly as if he knew I was eavesdropping.

I sensed that the conversation was getting to a close, so I started retracing my steps. It was obvious you thought very highly of me. That was just another aspect of my fears: my wanting to be perceived positively. It seemed like your view of me was such a fragile and precious thing. This wasn’t a familiar feeling. Others’ perceptions were seldom important. After all, one does what one does for others’ sake, not for one’s own image. In the end, however, I was really just a mortal with earthly feelings. In simple terms, I didn’t want you to see me as being like all other men, whether or not I was.

–

When the Sun had come down, I went into the room to find you drawing the figure of a kimono on a piece of paper. You turned to look at me but made no expression, as if you were expecting me to say something first.

Instead, I started walking towards you and kneeled in front of you. The chabudai where you were drawing was then between us. There was a bit of silence as you started to look away and to the drawing again. At that point, I placed my hands on the table and got closer to your face. Looking at you, there seemed to be some surprise, given your wide-open eyes.

I had decided it right then and there, and paradoxically while thinking of sex I was thinking of death. This was one of the few moments of peace we could hope for before being found by the enemy. And I couldn’t expect to find you in another life. Would I deserve you in another life?

“Do you want that?” I asked.

“Want what?” you responded. Since I figured you were feigning innocence about being eavesdropped on, I decided to be direct to force an answer.

“To lay with me.”

As I expected, you didn’t answer immediately, and stared instead, as if it were a question meant to trick you somehow, as if you had to guess my intentions.

“I want to lay with you.” I said to remove all doubt, controlling my expression to avoid either an unserious smile or a frightening glare.

Then you did something I wasn’t expecting: You took the small table from the sides and pushed it to the side, now looking away. At that point, I still wasn’t sure whether you’d say anything else, but then you made such an intense eye contact, as if daring me to stick to my words. This was a gesture that made it easy for me to get in front of you, close enough to feel the heat from your body. I took your waist, unsure still of my movements, and pressed my lips to yours in a way I saw as relatively chaste. Once I felt your arms enveloping my neck, I knew I wanted my tongue on yours. So I parted your lips with mine and felt your tongue receiving mine as I licked it. I kept going at the underside, wanting to get you excited. I decided it was time to lie down, and separated for a moment. Still with my hands on your waist, I guided you away from the table and on the floor. On your face I saw the interest I wanted to see.

My lust for you was a mark of both my humanity and my worldliness. I could excuse myself, say that I was losing control of myself. In fact, I was as lucid as I could have been, and had been thinking of what I’d do in this moment knowing I would submit to the pleasures laid in front of me. When I reached for your obijime, instead you took it and undid it for me. This did surprise me, but once you were done, I helped loosen the obi and went on to reveal more of your neck and collarbones. I started by licking the side of your neck, which prompted a small gasp from you. This only encouraged me to lick all over your neck, hearing more of your heavy breathing, and kiss over the wet skin. Your enticing sounds continued as I kissed both sides of your neck, and under your chin and along your jawline.

Was it also a trick of the ego? Having another one be so pleased by one’s touching and movements makes one think that one’s an expert at sex. But I myself was starting to feel my heart beating faster, and heat collecting all over my body. I had to resist the urge to reach under the kimono and between your legs. Instead, I quickened the pace and kissed down your neck, over your collarbones and started to feel the heat of your chest on my lips. I took another look at you before grabbing both sides of the kimono and spreading them away to reveal your breasts.

They looked so soft, and I found out just how soft by getting my hands over it, in a hungrier way than I imagined I would. I’d seen you as a woman from the very beginning, but could always keep myself together, keep my thoughts to myself. This was because you were too innocent, and back then uninvolved. Now death loomed over both of us. There was nothing to lose, even if there was nothing to gain either. Nothing but pleasure.

I felt oddly pure as I surrounded your nipples with my mouth, as if this was how it was meant to be. The sounds you made were so subtle, I wondered if the pleasure itself was subtle too, or you were just holding back. I kept licking, hoping for more of a response. I wanted to do something unexpected to force a reaction from you, moving my face down towards your navel while licking the skin, and then kissing over the wet spots. Looking at your face, you did seem surprised, and I heard a heavy breathing that was still trying to be calm.

As I kept going down and met your kimono folds, your face was flushing. Your eyes looked intently into mine. I wondered if you knew what I was about to do, and were just acting innocent to play into what you figured I’d want. I pushed away the sides of the kimono and the underlayers.

“You don’t have to hold back” I said, looking at you again “You can be loud.”

Your face was difficult to stop staring at, because of how sweet your eyes seemed. It was a lustful expression, still. Then I started to dive into the space between your legs, placing my face on your inner thighs, which got a short sigh from you, like pleasure from anticipating pleasure itself. Your skin was hot, and I felt how my mouth took on the heat when my lips touched the skin over your crotch. I knew at this point that the teasing was making you aroused. I then licked your inner thighs, provoking a louder moan.

Driven by the most basic of instincts, I wasn’t thinking of anything except my next action. Yes, I had imagined such an act with you before, and had usually been able to remove such thoughts quickly. There are a number of techniques meant to stop sexual desire, but one must want to stop them, after all. And I knew myself, I knew I didn’t want to stop my thoughts whenever they came to me. A part of me also recognized your desire for me, although I also knew it was an involuntary and naive instinct that is bound to form when two strangers spend some time relying on each other. In reality, as I spread the lips between your legs, and kissed the skin inside, I couldn’t think of myself as special hearing those moans. They were for me, in a sense, but anyone else would have done what I was doing, given the opportunity.

But would they know to kiss first in order to tease, and prolong your excitement? Would they know where to place their tongue and how much pressure to use with it? Maybe some would. Even so, the faint “yess” I heard isn’t something I think anyone else could have heard from you. I felt a sort of jealousy just thinking of the possibility. Nobunaga came to my mind. I couldn’t imagine him deciding not to force himself on you after setting his sights on you. At the same time, I also couldn’t imagine you surrendering and not fighting back. He could order you to moan, to say his name, but he would know it wouldn’t be natural. It made me question myself as well. Was I truly just trying to please you, or did I also want to possess you? I couldn’t stop wanting to make you climax, lose control in front of me, because of me.

“On that table, get on your hands and knees,” I said.

Again, you seemed surprised, but just looked at me for a moment and then did just that, looking back at me once you were in that position. Although I did want to look at your face, I found it easier to do it in this position.

“Like this?”

“Yes,” I said. The height was good for me to get on my knees, face between your legs, and keep going.

At some point, I had started pleasuring myself too. I knew my hand was now not as cold, so I started guiding it towards you, and switched to my left to stroke myself.

“Can I place my finger inside?” I asked.

“Yes!” you replied.

I first swiped my finger all over your already wet skin before starting to push it inside. I could feel the walls pressing against my finger, and your moans coincided with the tightening and relaxing around me. With my tongue, I kept stimulating you and hearing the sounds of your pleasure, which themselves aroused me. What I imagined also made me get closer to orgasm. I thought of penetrating you, which I was still unsure about doing, but it was a powerful image that had gone in and out of my mind for a while.

“Kennyo” you said, and it seemed you were about to say something else, but instead gave me a loud, sustained moan, different from all previous ones, even a bit animalistic. In any other situation, I would have assumed it to be out of pain. Hearing you lose control made me reach climax.

Even though I couldn’t see your face, I pictured it. And I stood up to look at you. Your face was red, but you didn’t look away from me. In fact, although you seemed tired, you smiled before moving to lie on the low table you’d been writing on.