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Chapter Text

The sound of the TARDIS whirring above his head was of little comfort. He clenched his hands against the side of the main console trying his best to keep his eyes as firmly shut as possible.
It couldn’t be happening, not again, not like this.

No.

He should do something.

No.

He should definitely not do something, doing something in this situation is always what makes things go dreadfully wrong; and anyway, who was to say if he did something it would work? Wasn’t the universe always so dreadfully against him in personal matters? Sure, he can save a world for someone else, but his was still lost; sure he can save a strangers family and friends, but his own?

Clara was dead.

He lost her again.

Three times.

“Hello?” The Doctor called to the open front door to Clara’s flat, it wasn’t like her to be careless. Not in the least not about matters of security. He couldn’t be sure he didn’t wince when she came around the corner.
“Ok did I go a bit far?” He started, taking over her appearance, grey hair, definitely more wrinkles, yes, yes this time even he couldn’t mistake her looking older than him no matter how much he teased her.

“God, Clara you’re old!” He burst out “What is with your hair, is that really what grey looks like on other people? It really doesn’t suit you.” He starts saying, he brings the sonic out of his pocket and twirls in in his hand and then walks forward “What happened to your eyes, did you colour them in too? Is that even possible.” He let out a resigned sigh and flopped idly into a red chair in the corner of the room. For being intelligent he sure missed the obvious. For instance, the fact that the woman wasn’t actually Clara, that she was wearing black; that she had been crying and a lot.

“Are you not talking to me?” The Doctor mused settling into a more formal position on the chair, his hand stretched along it’s arm, it felt oddly cold under his touch.

“Frankly it’s an improvement on the whining” He continued.

“I know your voice” The woman said shakily. The Doctor’s head turned.

“I don’t know yours” He responded, he sniffed lightly, and suddenly his eyes widened in realisation.

“You’re not Clara!” He exclaimed jumping spryly out of the chair. The lady’s eyebrows furrowed causing her forehead to wrinkle further.

“You were a friend of hers” she said slowly, as if recalling this fact for herself. The Doctor’s head tilted to the side a little, something was wrong. He could feel it, his skin seemed to be itching to get him out of here, standing on end, it wasn’t just the chair that was cold.

Everything was cold.

Everything was musky and un-kept;

Possessions were thrown about carelessly in boxes in some cases, and wrapped over protectively in others. Packed but absent of their owner. His expressive eyebrows furrowed along with hers.

“Where is Clara?” He found himself saying, but he couldn’t quite force himself to want the answer. He knew somewhere, deep inside, somewhere logical what this meant, but he didn’t want to hear it he didn’t’ want-

“She’s dead” The woman said raising her hand to her mouth to stifle the small sob.

He recalled thinking Clara would have been upset at his hasty departure but to his defence he found the flat suddenly closing off every little bit of air it had from him. The walls crawled closer and he found himself running awkwardly down stairs before he even knew he had left.

He recalled the face now, the lady’s face, the one crying in the flat, the one he abandoned, he’d seen it before the day he left Earth for Trenzalore, it was Clara’s grandmother.

He just ran out, normally he found himself caring slightly for his awkward run, but not now, he ran into the TARDIS and slammed himself against the door as it shut.

She had died, without him.

No that wasn’t worded right;

She had died and he hadn’t been there.

He hadn’t saved her.

He managed to shudder a breath into the sombre TARDIS, it was almost as if the old girl actually felt his grief too. After all she and Clara had been a lot closer since she jumped in his timeline.

Run you clever boy, and remember me.

Her voice echoed through his mind, and that’s when it hit him.

Echoed.

Echoes.

Surely there couldn’t possibly be a way for-

No.

Don’t get your hopes up Time Lord, hope is for children.

Those with hope run faster, fight harder. Should he not fight for her? Should he not at least take the risk? Just once; just once – His blue eyes, reddened around the lids darted to his side to look at the telepathic interface.

He’d used it to help her find Danny once; he felt his two hearts drop at the thought of the man, at the thought of Clara.

Well why couldn’t he do the same?

Why couldn’t he look for Clara? Any Clara would do; just to hear her voice, to look at her if only for one last time, if nothing more than to say goodbye.

It was that last thought that drove him over the edge, he felt the sting of hot tears against his cheeks, it was an alien feeling, to him an alien on this planet. He had pretended to not care about its destiny once, that was a mistake, and a lie. He was the Doctor and he lied.

He lied. He lied a lot in fact; he never spoke much truth, but Clara deserved better than that.

His hands rose to cup his face and he couldn’t help but shake out the sob; after all there was no-one here to see him, not anymore, no-one to judge; and even if there was, this was Clara. He would have cried over her anyway.

Clara was dead.

He felt his knees weaken and reached a hand forward to hold onto the edge of the console, his grip was weak. He felt weak and useless.

Clara was dead.

His knuckles turned white as he gripped with strength, but it didn’t feel like strength. His eyes screwed themselves shut to hold back floods, but silent enemy tears still managed to get passed the barriers.

Clara was dead.

His breathing deepened, the air was growing heavy, a burden, his hearts hurt in his chest, he found himself longing desperately to feel her arms fling around his waist; to protest even if he didn’t actually mean it, the thing was on Trenzalore he’d grown so used to the lack of touches, to the lack of contact of someone he truly cared about, he recalled how strange it had seemed when she arrived clinging to the TARDIS and he wrapped his arms around her, his old arms, it felt familiar like coming home to something – but he couldn’t quite place what, and that’s what touches seemed to feel like in this regeneration.

Perhaps it was because he wasn’t supposed to have this regeneration, perhaps his cycle started over and his physical body although old was experiencing everything new like a infant, maybe that’s why his kidney’s were a different colour, they just hadn’t had the wear and tear to make them normal.

But Clara is dead.

He drew his hand across his face, settling it in front of his eyes, though his legs were on shaky ground his mind was not.

He was going to try this, he moved around to the telepathic circuit, his fingers dancing a little at the thought of being close to it. He pulled the screen close and switched off safe guards.

Safe guards didn’t matter.

His hearts were pounding so violently in his chest. Beating so strong he felt he could do anything.

Fear, that’s what he felt, fear that any hope he had would be shattered.

But fear is a superpower.

Clara is dead.

Not for long he decided, he placed his hands into the circuit making a slight face at the feel of it around his elegant digits. He closed his eyes, he didn’t need to tell himself what to think, what to feel but still the words parted his tight pressed lips.

“Find Clara.”

Chapter Text

She let out a soft sigh; it was somewhere in the middle of winter, in Glasgow, that meant snow, rain, ice, a mixture of lovely nice and cold temperatures that froze her to the core. Her fingers were as red as her nose and ears even though she had been wearing gloves. Even in the lecture hall, which was normally warm – though perhaps that was because it was full of people; she could see her breath condense against the air in front of her.

“Morning Miss Clara” Her teachers assistant Eric said to her, Eric was lovely, he always had a warm temperament and – “You look lovely today” – compliment for her. She rolled her eyes at the fact clearly at this precise moment she couldn’t possibly look lovely, but smiled her thanks anyway.

“Phil says the heating took a little beating during the night; but er, well it’s coming on just a little slow. There getting someone out though” He grinned widely his dark skin a contrast to his bright yellow shirt; and
dark blue jeans. He must be freezing. She found herself thinking and shivered at the thought.

She nodded a little, sniffed and grabbed a tissue from her pocket dabbing at her slightly running nose.

“That’s good feels like the artic in ‘ere” she grumbled.

“Oh?” He was grinning again, flashing a set of perfect white teeth. “Been there have you?”

“God no!” She replied quickly. “Far too cold for me.” He laughed at her and held out a stack of papers in her direction she groaned again.

“Really?” she asked “Didn’t I do all this yesterday”

“Nope” Eric chirped. “New student apparently”

“Bit late” she mumbled but took the stack in her hand anyway.

“John Smith?” She couldn’t help the laugh that escaped her chest. “What type of name is that?” Eric gave her a light shrug and another polite smile.

“If you need me I’ll be in the cafeteria-“ he started to come up with some excuse but she finished his sentence for him.

“Talking to Chloe per chance?” Both her eyebrows were raised, and truthfully there were about 4 or 5 years difference between the two of them but the current expression she held made her seem much older; her face a much better fit for her role as teacher. His smile turned from polite to a sheepish grin and he nodded in defeat.

“Well get going then!” she ushered when he stood around for another lingering moment. His grin widened as he practically skipped out the door. She used to remember what that felt like, the excitement of the chase, of having someone to chase. Her own smile started to turn sour. It wasn’t as if she didn’t date, they just never seemed to – fit.

She was a perfectionist that way, there was no point in doing something half-heartedly, and after all the point of dating for the most part was to find someone to spend your personal eternity with; everyone should be a perfectionist in that particular area.

She glanced down at the paper in her hand, shaking her head a little as she laughed.

“John Smith” She seemed to chuckle “What a name” She nearly jumped out of her skin as a voice called from the door.

“’S better than John Doe” the owner said. He was a tall and slim older gentleman. He seemed to be wearing a blank but intense expression that made Clara tidy the papers on her desk into a neater arrangement.

“If you were a John Doe you wouldn’t be signing up late for my class would you?” she bantered towards him “Mr Smith I presume” He cocked an eyebrow at this.

“One would hope.” He replied. His hands had until this point been tucked into his pockets because it was only now she seemed to notice how large and expressive they seemed to appear.

“Smith is a common surname for place holders, as I’m sure you’re well aware, I myself like to think the name is taken from the great John Smith of eighteenth century; John Raphael Smith, do you know of him?” His eyes were drawing her into what he was saying and she was wondering just how they’d gone from laughing at his name to having a serious discussion. She shook her head a little.

“Ah, Sadly most these days haven’t and I guess since you aren’t a history of arts teacher it was too much to even hope you would”

She made to protest to the remark when his hand held in the air outstretched an elegant index finger. Normally such an action would have angered her, it seemed to be mocking and more than a little patronising in its composition but he was holding a soft smile at the corner of his lips which softened that anger as he pressed forward, further into her lecture room.

“John Raphael Smith was an English painter and engraver born in the year 1752, he himself was a teacher of some famous artists; named engraver to the Prince of Wales, he never quite managed to hold onto money.” He let out a soft laugh “I never seem to grasp the concept of that either.” His hand waved in front of him as if swatting a fly out of the air as if it the subject was nothing important. “I like the flawed aspect
of that. And he was a Mezzotint engraver, that means a high rank” he explained.

Clara cleared her throat.

“Seems you know a bit on those who share your name”

“Well, names make us don’t they?” He asked glancing over her. “Most people call me the Doctor” he said, watching her now with more regard, he seemed almost disappointed when she turned her attention back to the paperwork as she asked.

“Oh? Of what” She looked up as he seemed to take too long to consider this.

“Everything”

Clara laughed at that.

“Everything?” she questioned “that’s a bit vague.” She let out a soft groan and rubbed her hand together as though realising they were cold again.

“Honestly, I think if I stood outside right now I’d be warmer-“ she glanced over him, he didn’t look to wrapped up, a white shirt and a black blazer that with its red lining – which she assumed he liked very much seen as how he had his hands thrust about in his pockets in such a way to show it off, - lining which slightly reminded her of a magician at a children’s party she had attended when she was eight, somehow she
couldn’t quite see this man making balloon animals and a fluffy white rabbit appear out of a hat with a warm smile. “Aren’t you cold?” She asked before blowing into her hands.

“I don’t feel the cold” He said; she assumed it must be a man thing, that whole ‘I’m tough look at me peacocking around the place’ behaviour. “Your heating seems to be faulty.” He said matter of factly, and she laughed.

“Everything here is faulty”

“Does that include the staff?” He asked as he breezed past her, leaving a lingering smell of something sweet and something different. It only took her a brief moment.

“Hey!” He turned to look at her, his eyebrow raised again before turning his attention to the radiator.

“What is this?” He seemed to ask giving it a light kick with his booted foot. She noticed the boots because frankly, they were a little odd for someone of his well … age to be wearing.

“Ancient” she said from his side peering to look at the radiator with him. She watched as his breathing seemed to hitch for a moment.

“Ah, no.” He seemed to murmur slightly flustered, “No, this is not ancient, I know ancient.” He said in that same knowing voice, “and this is not it.”

He bent his long legs to crouch to the floor, drawing a screwdriver from his pocket he ‘fiddled’ would be the best way to describe it, with something at the side of the heating device.

“Carry that all the time?” Clara uttered as she leant over his shoulder to peer at what he was doing, she noted the rather strange, but quite beautiful in its simplicity ring on his hand.

“Yes-“

“Married?” Their words seemed to be spoken at the same time, and Clara felt a flush spread across her cheeks. Why on earth had she asked that? That was not something people just blurted out, I mean he was fixing a radiator for god’s sake

“Yes?”

“No.”

Their words overlapped again, and both of his eyebrows rose this time. He stood up, giving the radiator a slight kick with his heel as he did the instrument groaned as the water began to fill again. Clara had always been small – well it’s not as if it suddenly happens over night, I mean overnight yes overnight your body just goes , right that’s it stop growing, but right now she felt she’d never been smaller.

He towered over her, and that intense look he had been giving her from across the room when she first noticed him seemed to radiate from his eyes in a smoulder.

“Mr Smith.” She managed to speak stepping backwards and towards her desk. “Thank you” she said as she looked back over at him. He nodded his head in acceptance.

“I look forward to your classes Ms Oswald” he said as he made his way back to the door. “Let’s hope you’re better at normal history than you’re art eh?” She was used to the Scottish accent, after all she was in Scotland, but something about his seemed … strange, foreign almost. Travelled.

“Well only time will tell” She muttered in reply, a smile creeping onto her lips.

She sighed deeply letting herself fall into the chair as his silhouette disappeared around the corner.

Ok, that was going to be a tough student.

Still; she liked a challenge.

Chapter Text

The large dials above the TARDIS console started to whir to life, the Doctor found his breath caught in his chest. Hearts stilling.

She was somewhere.

Clara, she was somewhere, anywhere, he would go anywhere he needed to –

His eyes closed again and his fingers flexed beneath the telepathic circuit. Stop thinking you idiot, he commanded to himself, stop.

The circuit was cold, almost like a slimy flesh feel – let it bite you; he recalled the words loudly in his head.

What exactly would bite him though?

Stop thinking you absolute idiot.

Clara. He thought. It rang through his head like a bell.

Clara, find Clara.

He was moving now, the TARDIS being her usual self and tilting him at all angles to show she didn’t approve, but he needed-

Clara.

His body slammed forward, bruising. His stomach pressed flush against the edge of the console. He’d stopped, the TARDIS had – He was trying to regain composure, he was trying in earnest to take his hands out of the circuit, he pulled them back with a flinch as something grasped around his index finger, her sucked at the prick of blood and eyed his oldest friend suspiciously.

“What was that for you silly thing?”

He didn’t feel it was a warning, if anything he felt as though it had been something playful, intended to lighten his mood and make him like ‘oh the TARDIS had me in her grasp for once, and she bit me, ha. Ha.’ But it didn’t do the job.

His face fell like thunder and he sulked his way across towards the door, eyeing the telepathic circuit like it was something worse than a Cyberman or a Dalek –or any other formidable foe he’d encountered in all his years.

He let out a light huff and pulled the doors open.

He had not expected this.

He stepped out onto the cobble street, fierce eyebrows furrowing in slight disagreement to his surroundings. This looked familiar, a little too familiar. Earth?

He made for the nearest human heading in his direction, a small boy with blonde hair who looked like he most definitely shouldn’t be alone.

“Where am I?” The Doctor’s voice thundered through the air at him, much to his approval the boy didn’t turn around and run away from him terrified, that had happened on occasion especially lately. Especially with younger children.

“You’re in Glasgow Mr” The child replied not being at all subtle in his judging glances, his mouth hung open a little as he did so. “Right?” There was a familiarity in the accent that the Doctor recognised and he nodded.

“Right.” He agreed. He rose his eyebrows at the child while he stood there. “Well go on then, what are you waiting for eh? A bag of sweets or a trip to Woolworths for pick’n mix?” The child let out a derisive snort, silly old man didn’t know Woolworth’s closed down a long time ago, must be senile or something; and continued walking in towards his destination.

It was only then that the Doctor thought it most ironic where he had ended up; this was the first place, newly dressed and well – as sane as he could be after his regeneration that he had taken Clara. Perhaps that was the reason he was here, he was just chasing the ghost of his journey’s with her. He sighed a little but pulled the door of the TARDIS too anyway and moved forward. It wasn’t like the last time he’d been in Glasgow though; it wasn’t a city centre or a built up area, he seemed to be standing in a rather large area of grass; a large and old looking building the nearest thing in sight.

He glanced back to find the boy heading towards the street past black railings and turned his attention back to the building. It was quite nice looking- as buildings go, rustic but well preserved, well used. Historic even.

He wouldn’t like to admit the effort it took him to cross up to the doors of the buildings, all seemed to be at a slight uphill angle and he wasn’t as young – at least his body didn’t seem to appear as young as it once had.

He reached some sort of bulletin board; and his eyebrow arched again. This time however it seemed to make his location make some sort of sense.

‘University of Glasgow’

A student then? He thought, is that what she was this time? He sniffed a little starting to feel the cold and followed the hoard through the doors. No-one seemed to look twice at him, seemed to doubt that he should be there at all. Each lost in their own conversations that he didn’t hear he approached what seemed to be a reception area.

The lady behind it was on the phone, she was sitting forward on the edge of the chair but smiled when she saw him and covered the receiver to say’

“One moment eh love?” and returned to her conversation.

The Doctor waited patiently. Something that he found was rather new for him. He looked around at the paperwork thrown about her desk. Noticed a second lady enter into the office behind her followed by a
young, tall man.

“This is from Professor Oswald” The man said with a broad grin.

“Already?” The lady seemed to chuckle at the notion. “Eric I only gave you those yesterday, this efficient she’ll put all the other professors to shame” They shared a laugh, but that feeling did not reach the Doctor.
Instead the words ‘Professor Oswald’ ran around in his ears. His hearts stopped, and he raised a hand to his chest just to make sure they were still there when they started again.

“Alright love-“ the receptionist said turning her attention to him as she put the receiver down. “What can I do for you?”

When the Doctor left the lecture hall he finally remembered breathing was something he had to do. He’d been doing it so long and yet he’d completely forgotten today. He found himself merging into the sea of students as he walked back out into the corridor.

His blood thumped against his ears, his temples; his heart rate increased so dramatically.

Clara.

He’d just seen Clara.

She didn’t know who he was at all, didn’t even recognise that he’d been playing a little joke when he’d given her his name, she didn’t remember him. The thought hurt more than he thought it would have. All the other echoes of her were so desperate to find him, to save him. Maybe this time the universe had it set in mind that he was supposed to save her.

Save her from what?

The question formed in his head; and suddenly a sense of dread ran through his veins.

Maybe he should just leave her alone, he’d seen her now, he should go.

Yeah but – that really wasn’t what he did was it?

Not to meddle.

Ha.

His own conscience was laughing at that; him? The Doctor not meddle?

It wouldn’t hurt to actually just … watch her, for a couple of days at most, surely?

Just to make sure she was safe. He didn’t have to tell her who he was, who he thought she was. Just- Just to make sure she was safe; that would be ok wouldn’t it?

“I – I er-“ Stuttering, not often was the Doctor so confounded that he stuttered.

“I-“

The receptionist really smiled at him.

“New student eh?” she said warmly. “I know how it is, been out of education for so long and not sure if you really belong here; it’s alright” She pulled a clipboard forward;

“Name dear?”

He’d said it before he even realised the idea had hit him.

“John Smith”

The familiarity of the name was almost mocking him –

“Hmm” She said pulling a pair of half moon glasses from around her neck to her nose “You don’t seem to be here darlin’ – Do you have your letter?”

The Doctor patted his jacket, finding the one with psychic paper in and held it up.

“Ah!” She said with a larger smile.

“A History student I see, have you an appointment with Professor Oswald today?” she was putting together a sort of ‘welcome pack’ for him it seemed with various bits of paper that he would undoubtedly throw in the bin or place on a table moments after receiving it. “She doesn’t have any lectures today – not with pre-grads anyway”

Pre-grads. His mind repeated and he couldn’t help the smile as it spread across his face.

“Yes” He replied. “To introduce myself, an appointment; yes.”

“Right you are dear- she’ll be in lecture room 2 now preparing for her morning lecture; it’s just down the main corridor and to the right; it’s labelled, you can’t miss it.”
Instead of saying the words thank you, the Doctor took the stack of paper she’d offered and smiled, a little wider than usual. He started off into the main flow of students when he heard.

“The other way dear-“

Chapter Text

Nearly a week had passed since the start of a second half of the term. Not long, and it would be Christmas Clara thought to herself, she liked Christmas; even if this year she hadn’t got anyone to share it with. She still liked the way people became more loving as a whole; accepting, charitable.

She had a cup of coffee between her laced fingers, using the cup to warm her as she walked down the street. Nose red and threatening to run she sniffed a little when she noticed someone falling into her stride.

“Hello.” The voice said she glanced to the side and noted the face but seemed to a while to place it.

“I … er I’m one of your students” He said after reading her expression.

“That’s right!” Clara said with a smile, moving behind him slightly to allow the woman with a pushchair to pass them on the pavement. “John … Smith?” she said unsurely, her smile widening as he nodded.

“You haven’t been to any of my lectures yet though, have you John?” her eyebrow rose as she looked at him accusingly, and his gaze diverted towards the ground.

“I er- got a little side tracked” He admitted in a soft voice.

“Pay for an education, then don’t turn up?” the tut could be heard in her voice “bit stupid that, right?” He sniffed derisively; defensively even, at her choice of words.

“I had a lot to do.” He said shortly. “Besides, I’m not sure there’s much you could teach me about history that I don’t already know.”

Clara stopped her walking and he continued for a few more steps before he realised, he turned back to find her mouth hanging open slightly, narrowing her eyes towards him. She must have realised she stopped because as soon as he turned to look at her she started walking again; he could hear her muttering something about ‘why would he join the course’ and ‘being a waste of both their time’ but in fairness he wasn’t listening; he was smiling. Had she been looking up at him instead of waving a hand about in front of her to punctuate her rant she might have been even more annoyed, but he was smiling. The way she was acting was totally reminiscent of his Clara, defensive and rash, impulsive and fierce with her words. He found a warmth wash over him as he recalled the many passionate arguments he and Clara had shared in the past.

He returned to looking at her properly when she sighed.

“You’re not even listening are you?” She asked taking a sip of her coffee. To his surprise he shook his head honestly.

“It’s not your fault” He found himself saying. “You just … remind me of someone, a friend of mine.”

“He has friends!” Clara found herself saying, she caught the expression on his face and her joking stopped. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that- of course you have friends, it was a – I’m sorry” she found herself repeating, he was smiling at her but there was no happiness there, and suddenly he looked so very old, and so very tired. Her hand came to rest on his arm feeling the cold under her fingers through his jacket – how he didn’t feel frozen was beyond her. She missed that he seemed to have stopped breathing altogether, and the fact they were both now still in the middle of the street. She smiled at him again, this much more of an apology than her words had been and she watched him bow his head a little.

“She’s gone” he breathed into the air. He swallowed and his had ghosted over the spot on his jacket where her fingers had been. “My friend, she’s gone and I didn’t even-“ he sighed deeply. “They’re all gone now, my friends. Moved on or –“ she knew the word meant to finish the sentence and didn’t want to have to make him say it. Her hand clasped around his large fingers before she could even think about it.

He looked so broken, she didn’t know him that well – well she didn’t know him at all, but he looked so sad and so broken and she couldn’t stand that. His skin was warm under her touch, and she thought he flinched because of how cold her fingers were, the truth however was it was not the temperature that had affected him.

His gaze found hers again, steely grey eyes that held the slightest hint of blue under those eyebrows met her dark pools and he gave her a half smile. She cleared her throat a little as she pulled her hand back; trying to ignore the fact that people that were walking by were giving them both odd and questioning looks.

“So … why did you join the course then?” She asked as they started walking forward again, her fingers twitched a little under the cup, now it didn’t seem to be as warm, not as warm as his fingers had been; and his other untainted hand ghosted it’s fingertips over the top of his hand, before he began to ring them slightly.

Should he just tell her the truth? I joined to see you because you’re that friend. You don’t just remind me of her; you are her from another life. An echo, an echo of the real Clara but all that matters is still there, you’re still her. I joined to keep you safe. I joined because I wanted to say goodbye. I joined because I’m selfish.

“I needed the distraction” he found himself saying again.

She laughed it was warm and her breath condensed against the air as she did.

“Well then, it would help if you actually turned up to the class wouldn’t it?” Oh yes, definitely Clara, she wasn’t going to let that go. He smiled back at her.

“Do you have a lecture this afternoon?” he asked when they reached the end of the drive to the university, her gaze looked up at him.

“It’s a post degree lecture I don’t think-“

“Well I’ll sit in on that.” He said confidently, he pulled an apple from his pocket and bit into it, the juices running down the sides of his mouth a little she handed him a tissue from around her cup and he looked at her suspiciously. She dabbed a little at the sides of her mouth and he understood and took the tissue and roughly wiped his own.

“Fine” she said with a light chuckle at his behaviour. “Sit in on all you like, I don’t care, it’s not as if you being there will change the lecture.”

Ha, if only she knew.

Chapter Text

“That was completely uncalled for!” Clara hissed as The Doctor stepped closer. She didn’t know what angered her more, his behaviour during the lecture or the fact that he seemed now to be completely oblivious to what had her so upset.

His mouth moved, that was all it seemed to do though, no sound – for once, came out. His fierce eyebrows knitted themselves into a more concerned, troubled expression and Clara found herself sighing.

“Regardless of whether or not you were right-“ She held up a finger as he went to claim he was; “Regardless.” She continued. “I teach what will be on exams, and what is currently fact in books.”

“Well that is stupid.” The Doctor emphasised the word ‘is’ with his accent and folded his arms across his chest. “What is the point of teaching something if you’re not even going to teach them the truth.”

“Truth?” Clara found herself muttering, a small laugh followed it and she shook her head as she made to grab pieces of paper from the desk. “Truth” she uttered again.

“Yes truth.” The Doctor repeated, his blue gaze washing over her. She shook her head again.

“And I suppose you know right?” She said raising an eyebrow, it might look like she was joking, that’s what her expression might read to anyone else, but The Doctor knew this was her starting to be defensive. Her hands clutched at the paper tighter and his mind flashed back to her standing on a chair in an English classroom.

“Having been there during the times when Hannibal was marching from Iberia?” She made a small noise that resembled a scoff and dropped her hand to the desk, crumpling the papers in her hand as she did. He knew she’d regret that later and winced for that reason – not the fact she was attempting to scold him. “I mean I get that you’re a little passed it-“

“I’m passed it?” The Doctor retorted quickly, making her silent for a mere second because of the tone. “Me?”

“Yes you!” She said leaning forward on her hands.

“I don’t know if you’ve looked in the mirror lately-“ The Doctor was saying and the look he received could only be considered as positively filthy. It wasn’t like he was trying to insult her, but he saw things differently; there was no denying she was still beautiful, that wasn’t the point, the point was he saw how her skin aged better than most, she was only human after all her life span compared to his- He swallowed a lump that had emerged in his throat and bit at his bottom lip

“I’m sorry; that was rude of me” he said recalling Rose’s voice from long ago – ah, his hearts gave a sharp twitch of grief at that thought too. Why did he have to go and do that? He swallowed again, considering her expression. “History is a passion of mine” he said his tone softer; he stepped closer to the edge of the desk, his pulse racing as she glared up at him.

How on earth did she do that with her eyes?

It really shouldn’t be possible for her to do that.

“It was wrong of me to correct you in front of the other students” He continued, amazing himself at the sincerity in his own voice. It wasn’t as if he believed this to be true, she should have been corrected, but the fact she seemed to upset about it made him want to atone for that.

She breathed out a deep breath, and nodded her head a little in recognition of his words, but said that she neither forgave him, nor accepted them.

“Fine.” She said briskly, pulling her coat from the back of the chair.

“Fine?” he seemed to ask, his eyes were widening a little and she looked up at him curiously.

“Well what do you want me to say?” She said softer, her fingers idly flattening the notes for her next presentation tomorrow. His mouth opened a little, and then closed.

“Do you want to get some coffee?” He said, his eyebrows raising expectantly. She hadn’t actually considered that “Or chips?” – did he really have no other ways of sounding human, of pretending to be normal?

“I-I’ll need a bank” he said fiddling with his hands, recalling a distraction his tenth incarnation had done. “If you’ll say yes that is” There was something foreign in his tone, it was soft and meek, afraid, afraid that she’d say no; because really, he didn’t want to just say goodbye now, he wanted to show her what he meant when he’d said that Hannibal was great but only because of his second in command; that some of his best ideas came from a man whose name was long since forgotten. He wanted to see the wonder in her eyes as she looked at the TARDIS for the first time, because after all this would be her first time looking at it.

He wanted to watch her step onto an alien planet and loose her breath in it’s beauty – he just, he sighed at her silence his gaze lowering, he just wanted her; he just wanted Clara back.

“Ok” she found herself mumbling, “But I want a muffin with the coffee, not chips.” She shot back grabbing for her messenger bag; “and you can tell me the truth this time, about why you’re actually here at the university” she shook her head as he gazed at her. “-and how you never seem to be cold in what is probably the coldest area of Britain for ninety percent of the year.”

She smiled at him then. It was warm and he knew just from that, that she had forgiven him, but could he forgive himself? For coming into her life and knowing, just knowing that something was bound to happen because it always did with him didn’t it. She casually rocked against him as she walked passed and he seemed to have forgotten his thoughts, his eyes lingering on the point on his arm where they’d made contact and he smiled.

He actually smiled at that and quickened his pace to fall into hers.

“I still need a bank” he told her as they entered the cafeteria

“Will a cash machine do?” Clara replied pushing open a set of double doors and making him reach forward to grab them before they slammed in his face.

“I suppose” he muttered back at her, noticing how people were staring at him. Perhaps they were, perhaps they weren’t he always felt the centre of attention.

“Good well you can use that one then” she said extending her arm to a large line of people, she couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped when he groaned and almost rolled his eyes. “While I go and put some paperwork back in my office, I’ll meet you back here.”

He wasn’t given the option to disagree, though he probably wouldn’t have anyway because by the time she’d finished her sentence she was pushing her way through another set of heavy double doors.

The Doctor smiled; ok, he thought to himself, so all I have to do now is just pretend to be human, how hard can that be?

Chapter Text

He was still standing at the cash machine when she slid behind him, her eyes widened a little when she saw the quantity of notes he folded to put into his pocket.

“What are you intending to do, buy a house?” She breathed she was blocking people now and they were staring but if she noticed she didn’t seem to care, The Doctor looked slightly sheepish at her,

“I said I was no good with money”

“Must be somewhat good” she said lowly through another deep breath “I mean-“ her eyes widened and she wrapped a hand around his arm and moved him to the side. “I said coffee and a muffin, God – Ridiculous” she was beginning to get a little flustered, though he wasn’t sure why and it was making him smile. She rolled her eyes in his direction and headed back across the cafeteria.

“If its ok I’d like to drop my things at my flat before we get Coffee, I’m sick of having to carry essay’s around in all aspects of my life” The Doctor’s shoulders shrugged lightly.

“Fine” He murmured, a small smile still on the side of his lips. In truth he was curious as to what her life looked like, what she’d done with it since it didn’t involve him; as selfish as that was he wanted to see if he would have been better leaving her alone.

At first look he thought she would have been better, she wasn’t shy as she dropped one coat onto a chair revealing a little too much skin – honestly it was no wonder she was cold, across her shoulders. He looked away, letting his gaze fall over the main room of her house, it was full of … things, to many things, a native American totem pole – a replica obviously, beautifully carved on an old oak table, Chinese masks on a wall, Egyptian rags, carpets, everything screamed travel , all those places she wanted to see, and yet there was something missing he noticed. Something he thought most people had when they were happy;

Photos.

There weren’t any photos anywhere, no shelf with photoalbums – at least that he could see, there was all this, all this memorabilia; all the things she wanted to do but he realised that as much as she had enjoyed that, she had done it alone. Travelling wasn’t something that should be done alone; he of all people knew that, a memory was best shared.

So though she’d done what she wanted, she still wasn’t happy, he no longer felt guilty about coming into her life and his hearts began to pound at the thought – I could ask her, I could ask her to come with me I could show her-

No.

It was a firm no that resounded from his subconscious into his conscious thought. No. You’re poison, you burn and taint everything you touch; you kill. You Doctor, you kill.

He was biting on his bottom lip when she returned in a changed outfit; lost in his own thoughts, and inner turmoil.

“Hey-“ her voice sounded like an explosion in the air and he looked up at her quickly; noticing that her brows furrowed down in concern.

“Are – Are you ok?” She asked softly, she continued without letting him answer “Listen it wasn’t that big of a deal, if you don’t want to go get coffee I don’t mind-“

“No” he said quickly, his voice hoarse and his accent raw. “It’s not that” he didn’t miss the slight wave of relief that passed over her face, and though he smiled it was sad, and she didn’t miss that either. “I was just-“ his sigh was heavy in the air. “It’s nothing-“ he smiled again, but it was still sad “You’ve dressed differently” he said softly. She smiled at him in return it was almost a smile of confusion.

“Y-yeah, well done for noticing” She replied.
I never noticed before. He said to himself, she used to practically beg me to notice but I didn’t, I got lost in myself – in distance-

“You’ll be warmer” He said with a slightly nod.

“Gee,” she replied sarkily, “Thanks.”

“No- no I didn’t mean-“ he sighed his hands waving out in front of him flustered, then he saw the smile that crept mischievously onto her lips and rumbled a groan.

“Coffee?” He said in defeat. She nodded and grabbed the same coat she’d thrown onto the chair when she first entered, shivering slightly at the fact it was still cold; and then he found himself doing something that was quite; strange. He stood behind her as she walked forward, running his long fingers , palms up and down her arms in an attempt to heat her up.

His mind flashed to snow, to them wearing nothing but a holographic shell – naked, technically he’d been touching her naked, he’d never thought about it like that before, but the instinct was the same then as it was now, he just needed to warm her up, make her more comfortable, more safe. She turned her head back over her shoulder as she reached forward to open the door. The movement of her arm making his hand drop into the air.

“T-thanks” she said softly, she seemed surprised to find that he had colour in the cheeks of his pale palour, it was only a simple action after all, and his gaze averted hers when he realised she was staring at him but his smile returned, real, weak and worried, but a real smile, almost like a teenage boy on a first date –

Oh.

“This-“ she started turning quickly she found herself trapped between his body and the slightly ajar door; but she didn’t feel threatened or intimidated by that, she could feel the heat radiating off him, warming her “Y-you know this isn’t a date don’t you?” she stuttered softly, her eyes were large and wide as they looked up at him when his gaze turned back to her.

“Yes” he said softly, it sounded somewhat broken though. Almost like he had wanted it to be, but realised neither of them saw it like that. “I’m apologising for being rude,” he said,

“It’s the gentlemanly thing to do” he added lightly, the human thing he thought to himself. She smiled up at him and turning, moved back a little to pull the door open further, her back pressed against his chest for a moment and all air seemed to leave the room for the both of them. He cleared his throat.

“Otters.”

She heard him mutter under his breath and she found herself laughing, it was a warm sound and it echoed through the air and his ears and he smiled, she didn’t ask what it meant, she just walked through the front door and pulled it close when he exited behind her.

“You are quite … different” She muttered to him when they started for the stairs

“Is that a bad thing?” His voice was soft, it actually sounded concerned.

“No” she said softly, “No, it’s just … different”

Chapter Text

Clara placed her hands into her pockets, she was trying to do her best to ignore the way the cold hit her, but it was really rather something today; or perhaps for a change she had a little too much heat to loose from her body, she chose her favourite coffee shop, no named brand like Starbucks or Costa because on a day like today those would be filled to the brim with students and office workers and she wanted a nice, quiet, relaxed atmosphere.

She felt the warmth of the shop wash over her as she opened the door, so much so she seemed to freeze in place for a moment and the Doctor reached over her shoulder to keep the door open before she realised. Her head bowed a little in embarrassment.

“Guess the coat wasn’t much use” She heard him mutter from behind her and instead turning back to chastise him or glare she found that she merely laughed and walked forward.

She managed to weave her way in and around various empty tables before choosing one in front of a window, the view, though she may not like being out in it; of the snow falling down onto the old street, onto trees and bushes and the lack of cars really was incredible. She unwound her tartan scarf, and placed her coat on the back of the chair.

The Doctor then to her surprise pulled it out for her and rested his hand on it’s back until she had sat down. She wouldn’t deny the moment of chivelary from him was unexpected, but most welcome. He smiled at her, it seemed to be full of a mixture of emotions, and for some reason it made her feel for him, like she would an old friend.

“Thank you” she said softly as he sat opposite her. Resting his elbows on the table he kept glancing over to the counter.

“They’ll come an ask us what we want in a moment” She explained and this seemed to put him a little at ease. He leaned back into his chair a little, his knees accidently knocking against hers; him being all limbs and her being huddled close to the table for warmth. Instead of apologising though, they shared a laugh and she handed him a menu from behind the condiments and he appeared to take an age to look it over.

So long in fact, he hadn’t noticed the waitress had come over and taken Clara’s order and was waiting patiently with a little pencil in hand.

He looked up again, first to Clara and then to the waitress and then to the menu and then rubbed his hand through his hair.

“I er-“

“Mocha?” Clara offered she couldn’t help the amused lazy smile that spread across her face at his confusion “It’s like coffee-light it’s coffee with hot chocolate”

“And its got cream on and cocoa powder” the waitress said politely, “Its what I usually have”

He nodded, and folded the menu back, staring up at the waitress his expression could almost be considered firm as he said.

“Yes” he cleared his throat and then added “Thank you”

“You really didn’t know what a mocha was?” Clara asked when the waitress had left. Her hands were clasped together, and for some rather strange reason he reached forward to hold them in his own by way of heating them up.

In fairness, she thought to herself, he looked just as shocked at the motion than she felt, his eyes widened large and now he seemed frozen in place out of some inane fear she knew nothing about. Frozen, probably wasn’t the right word however, his hands were like personal heaters, and she could already feel own warming up quickly. Though she would deny it, a lot of her was starting to warm up very quickly.

When she deemed it would have been long enough to not be rude to move them away, she did.

Unfortunately that happened to be the exact moment the waitress had returned and begun to place the drinks on the table. It was over in a matter of milliseconds, but there was liquid everywhere, soaking into napkins and fabric and both Clara and the Doctor had jumped out of their seats in surprise. Clara looked up from dabbing her own skirt to find that the Doctor’s was preening over the cream on his jumper and groin area. She laughed, something she had often done when he was nervous and he looked up, his eyes catching hers and laughed back at her. She took the extra napkins the waitress had brought over whilst muttering her sincerest apologies and promising another drink and dabbed at her own skirt before taking a dry napkin and moving forwards to dab at his mess.

Her hand moved in under his with a surprisingly level of confidence, and then she realised she should have just offered him the napkin, that would have been the normal thing to do, just offer the napkin. His entire body had tensed under her touch, his breathing, she was almost certain, had stopped. His long fingers closed around her small hand the heat of his skin enough to make her gasp a little.

She stopped then, stopped dabbing at the cream to remove it and looked to find him staring down at her.

“I’m ever so sorry about that” The waitress said as she placed new drinks down on the table and wiped up the excess liquid from before. “Don’t worry about the bill, this is on the house, I’m ever so sorry” she repeated again.

Clara cleared her throat and moved her arm back.

“T-thank you” she seemed to mutter in the elder woman’s general direction. Her eyes however never left the Doctor’s the way he was looking at her was so intense; she’d never felt anything like it, it was almost alien in nature.

She watched as he swallowed, his adams apple bounced up and down in his throat his hand still hovering in the air where hers had left his.

“Yes” he said softly, “Thank you” his gaze left hers then, and he offered a smile towards the waitress before taking a napkin and sitting down, cleaning quickly, the rest of the cream off of his trouser legs.

Clara breathed out deeply, she didn’t notice the action caused him to glance over at her as she returned to her own seat and began absent minded to hold the mug in her hands.

Her gaze was towards the table, an awkward sort of silence falling upon them before she laughed nervously again and said

“This is silly” She looked up at him with his arched eyebrow, and the corners of his mouth threatening to tug upwards.

“Look at us, acting like two teenagers”

“Yes silly” he said smiling lightly “we’re both far too old for that.”

She smiled back at him, warmly; and couldn’t hide her apparent confusion when he asked.

“Do you like travelling then?” he took a sip of his new mocha and his nose twitched as a small spot of cream lodged on the tip. Clara reached forward and with her little finger swooped it off before placing it between her lips.

Shit.

It went back to awkward very quickly.

‘You know this isn’t a date, right?’ her own words ran through her head. Well stop acting like it is then. Stop it.

To her surprise, instead of looking like she’d done some great offence, the Doctor reached forward, with his own little finger now lightly covered in cream and applied a small amount to her own nose before
licking the rest of his finger.

Her grin was broad, as she swooped a finger down over her nose and licked it clean.

“I enjoy it” she chuckled answering his question.

“Even though you do it alone?” His voice might be warm and he might be smiling but for some reason she imagined that the though made him sad, her head tilted a little as if to say ‘excuse me’ and he added “You don’t have any photos, just artefacts of the trip” he explained

“Maybe my companions are shy?” She offered as an excuse.

“Are they?” He asked, at least polite enough to take the bait; her sigh seemed to burden the air with it’s weight.

“No, and sure, it would be better with someone else, but, sometimes things like that aren’t meant to be.” She cleared her throat and took a sip of her own cappuccino.

“Things like what?” The Doctor seemed to have moved forward, quite intent on listening to what she was saying as though it was of great importance to him; her eyebrows furrowed.

“Finding someone to travel with, obviously” The Doctor leaned back a little at her words.

“People always want to travel.” He said in a matter of fact type of voice.

“Oh is that right?” She asked with half a smirk.

“Yes, it’s the staying with the travel partner that’s the hard part.” His sigh seemed to shatter something deep inside of her and her fingers flexed as her hand reached forward to grab his as though thinking better of it. His hand however slid forward on the table top to reach hers, his thumb lightly moving as it covered hers.

“D-Do you travel a lot then?” she found herself stuttering. Such a small action seemed to have a very big impact on her, it seemed far more intimate than some lovers she had in the past, the way his eyes bore forward towards her like he was calculating her very being-

“I do, I like to see …” he paused and she could tell he was picking his words carefully. “Wonders”