Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It smelled like bleach and musty old books. Like those kinds that have been sitting and rotting for decades, to the point where the pages turn yellow.

It was the kind that seeped into the walls of places like this; prisons, hospitals, orphanages. Places where men went in and didn’t come out the same. Or at all.

Louis Tomlinson had woken up that morning with the intention of getting dressed for work, dressing his younger siblings for school, and then cooking breakfast while his parents had gotten themselves ready for the day. He would crack the eggs on the stove and pop the bread to toast them.

He was the oldest of six sisters. Ever since he finished school, his parents always relied on him to help out with them, and he usually never minded, he loved the girls. But he found it difficult to find time for himself when he was constantly walking them to school, helping them with homework, doing chores and laundry.

His family belonged in the lower middle class. His father was the owner of a general store in town, so he was gone for a majority of the day. Louis would usually leave the house to help close up in the evenings, or he would work afternoons if it was a particularly busy day. He was meant to take over the shop one day, but Louis never saw that in his future.

His mother, who was meant to be their domestic matriarch, was a seamstress and dressmaker on the side and had recently started to devote more time to it as more women caught wind of her skills.

Louis did his usual routine that morning. Got dressed, dressed the girls, made breakfast, and walked them to school. The sky was deep blue, scattered with a few clouds, and Louis couldn’t wait to get his chores done so he could sit in the backyard and write his poetry.

But when he got home, two men in dark coats stood outside the house with a black motor car idling in the drive, awaiting his arrival. His parents stood by the front door, and when he walked up to them to ask what was going on, they didn’t say much. His mother fixed his collar like she always did and kissed his cheek, while his father only cleared his throat with his hands behind his back. They wished him well, and then the next thing he knew, he was shackled by the wrists and was guided to the car. He cried out just before he was shoved into the backseat.

Mother! What’s the meaning of this!? Where are they taking me!?

Now at Bradley Bay Sanitarium, just a mere four hours away from home, Louis sat still in the wooden chair with his hands in his lap, wrists raw from the cuffs they’d only just removed. His shoes didn’t touch the ground fully, and the legs of the chair were uneven. It creaked every time he shifted, so he tried not to.

Behind the desk sat a woman with thin lips and a tight chignon, flipping through a stack of manila forms bound in string. She didn’t look at him, just licked her thumb and turned another page.

“Name,” she said, her voice monotone, English but not particularly kind.

“Louis Tomlinson,” he replied with a small voice.

She scribbled with her fountain pen. The scratching of it echoed in the intake office, where the only other sound was the radiator hissing in the corner.

“Age?”

“Nineteen.”

Another scratch of ink.

Outside the narrow window, bare branches scraped against the frosted glass. The sky was the color of charcoal and the grounds were surrounded by fog. Louis hadn’t seen proper daylight since yesterday morning. It felt like a lifetime to him.

“Next of kin?”

He hesitated. “None.”

That was a lie, but it felt easier. He knew nobody would be coming for him. The moment the asylum came into view, Louis knew exactly what had happened. It was clear to him that Liam had told his parents of the secret he’d told and the impulsive thing he had done out of pure desperation. So in response? His parents petitioned through the local doctor in an instant, quietly, so as not to draw attention to the family and ruin their image. He nearly cried when the gates to the grounds opened.

The woman paused and glanced up at Louis for the first time. Her eyes lingered; not in a cruel way, but in that way people looked at dogs who’d been hit too many times. She made a faint sound in her throat, like she might say something, but didn’t. Instead, she stamped the corner of the page and rang a little silver bell on the desk.

The door behind him opened. Heavy boots thudded against the tile, before a hand landed on Louis’ shoulder, rightfully startling him.

“This way,” a man said. He smelled like tobacco and disinfectant.

Louis rose with stiff legs and followed.

No other words were exchanged between the man and Louis as they walked through the reception corridor. It was a bit brighter compared to the other parts of the hospital, Louis would come to realize that the more they ventured through the hospital. The reception hall had a vaulted ceiling made to impress anyone who walked in, high windows for natural sunlight, tiled flooring that echoed footsteps. A clerk smiled from behind the large oak desk before looking back down to sort through papers.

A patient stood near a dusty potted fern, whispering to it like it was a lover. When he accidentally caught Louis’s eye, he let out a high and piercing shriek, before collapsing to the floor in a fit of panic.

Louis froze. A shudder coiled up his spine. An orderly appeared from nowhere, dropping to his knees to calm the man, voice low and practiced. Louis forced himself to look away and swallowed hard, his throat dry as bone. The man guiding him kept walking as if it was routine.

Louis followed him toward the grand staircase marked EMPLOYEES ONLY in cracked gold paint. The air grew colder as they climbed. The walls were lined with framed portraits of men in starched collars; psychiatrists, directors, faces drained of light. None of them smiled. They looked cold and lifeless in the eyes.

They took a left from the stairs and passed a doctor in a lab coat, who exchanged a polite nod with the man escorting Louis. Louis kept his gaze down, taking in the hallway instead, which was lined with dark wooden doors with tarnished brass plaques of offices and names he didn’t know.

Somewhere on the other side of the stairs, a jagged scream ripped through the stillness, causing Louis to wince. The man, who hadn’t even reacted, raised his fist and knocked exactly twice on the door labelled Dr. Malik.

A thick accent answered to come in, prompting the man to open the door and shove Louis inside. Louis stumbled, eyes instantly scanning the office for the first time. A man sat hunched over at his desk with a pair of round-framed glasses on the bridge of his nose. He was scribbling on paper, before stopping and tilting his head up to look at Bradley Bay’s newest patient.

The room itself was bland; a large mahogany desk in the middle, two chairs in front, locked filing cabinets, filled bookshelves of psychiatry and psychology books, philosophical and religious volumes, medical case studies.

His desk was cluttered in neat piles, a few manila folders sat in one corner, a pen and pencil holder in the other, a legal pad ready for notetaking. Louis could smell the mug of coffee steaming just from where he stood by the door.

The man broke the silence.

“Louis Tomlinson, sir.

And then he disappeared with the door closed behind him.

A second passed of utter silence, other than the analogue clock ticking and the sound of the heat kicking on. Louis stood in the middle of the office, not quite sure what he was meant to do. He could catch some of the text on the spines in the bookshelf, one in particular standing out, ‘Psychopathia Sexualis’ by Richard von Krafft-Ebing.

Finally, Dr. Malik spoke.

“Mr. Tomlinson. Please, take a seat.” He gestured to the empty chair in front of his desk.

He didn't smile, but his voice was pleasant enough in the way cinnamon can be, until it burns your throat. He wore a black wool waistcoat with a gold watch chain tucked into the breast pocket. His fingers were long, clean, clasped together on the desk like he had all the time in the world.

Louis very slowly sat down, his heart rate spiking as he did so.

“You’re very punctual. That’s a good sign. Suggests… compliance.”

He opened a folder and clicked his pen. “Let’s begin, shall we?”

Dr. Malik then licked over his bottom lip like he was in concentration.

“How would you describe your state of mind today, Mr. Tomlinson?”

Louis’ lips parted, his eyes blinking as he tried to put a name for what he was feeling. He was feeling a load of emotions; betrayed, frustration, fear. That one especially clung to his ribs, obvious beneath Dr. Malik’s narrow, knowing gaze.

“Um-” He stuttered under pressure. And it was just the first question. “Normal…?” He didn’t sound too sure of himself, but it was the best thing he could come up with.

Dr. Malik hummed curiously. He glided his pen to the yellow legal paper before asking the next question.

“Have you ever harmed yourself or others?”

Louis chewed on his bottom lip, inhaled a shaky breath through his nose as the question echoed. Does Liam count?

“No…” He said it slowly and much quieter like a lie he was still trying to believe.

Dr. Malik didn’t challenge him, he just raised his eyebrows like he’d expected that answer.

“Do you experience persistent thoughts you cannot control?”

“I-” Louis furrowed his eyebrows. He hadn’t even noticed he was fumbling with his fingers in his laps. “What kind of thoughts?”

Dr. Malik shrugged nonchalantly. Like he was trying to bait him for something.

“Anything.”

Louis stared off past Dr. Malik’s shoulder, staring out the window at the overcast gloomy sky. The silence was loud, he felt like he could hear everything, like the clock ticking, the slight noise Dr. Malik’s lips made when he sipped on his coffee.

He thought of Liam again and the way it happened, the thoughts that came before.

“No.”

But that was a lie. He couldn’t control his thoughts about Liam. The way he wanted to kiss him, to touch him. His desire was something he couldn’t control in that moment, and maybe that was what led to what had transpired. 

The pen scratched again. Louis peeked down in an attempt to see what was being written, but Dr. Malik’s handwriting was nearly illegible, a series of tight, jagged strokes.

“Do you believe you belong here?”

Finally, a question Louis had known the answer to since he stepped foot in this place.

“No.”

Dr. Malik remained silent. He took an extra minute or two to write some notes, longer notes this time. Louis shifted uncomfortably in the chair, causing it to creak against the hardwood flooring.

Without looking away from his notes, he continued.

“What’s your understanding of why you’ve been admitted?”

Louis’ breath hitched at the question. He should’ve seen it coming, should’ve known he’d have to talk about it eventually.

He gulped thickly, eyes finding their way to the windows behind Dr. Malik as rain began to softly patter against the glass. Dr. Malik had lifted his eyes to look up at him. Louis refused to meet his gaze.

“I…” Louis’ voice was suddenly small, almost vulnerable. He looked down to his lap, watched the way he rubbed the nail of his thumb against his palm in an attempt to distract himself, to fidget. And then the flashback hit him like a lightning bolt.

He’d taken his best friend on a picnic for his birthday. He had picked up Liam’s favorite fruits, pastries, even stole a bottle of Gin from his father for them to share. Everything was going swell in Louis’ eyes. The sky was clear, they were basking in the sun, and they were indulging in sweets with alcohol running through their veins.

Liam was as bright as the sun, his laughter sounded like a melody Louis hadn’t known he was missing. He made his heart flutter in ways he knew society wouldn’t deem appropriate. Louis had felt things for Liam that he should have been feeling for the girl his parents were trying to arrange him with.

But what did it matter if it was for Liam, and not a girl?

So Louis, too innocent for his own good, and alcohol dissolving the filter he once had, admitted these feelings. He was in love. He hadn’t realized it until Liam looked at him with sparkling eyes and that golden smile. Louis was sure he felt the same.

But he didn’t. And Louis broke.

“But I want to be more than friends, I love you. Don’t you feel it too?”

“No that’s- That’s completely insane. That’s disgusting, Louis.”

All Louis felt was a pang in his chest, a sudden panic that Liam was now seeing him differently. The light in Liam’s eyes was replaced by something repulsive. And when Liam started to stand up, Louis pounced. Because he couldn’t lose Liam, that was his best friend, his lover. He loved him, he had to feel the same way.

One thing led to another. Louis had tried to kiss him, tried to force himself upon him. He wasn’t even thinking, it was like his body spoke for him. But Liam was stronger, pushed him off, yelled obscenities, threatened to tell his parents.

And he did. Louis found it out the hard way when he arrived back from walking his sisters to school. He felt humiliated, betrayed. He could see the shame in his mother’s eyes and lack of emotion behind his father’s, but he knew deep down, his father would disown him if he ever returned.

“Mr. Tomlinson?”

Dr. Malik’s voice cut through the flashback. Louis’ chest was heaving, breath coming out in shaky puffs as he rocked back and forth with tears in his eyes. Dr. Malik was rapidly writing onto the pad of his paper like he was witnessing a reaction to an experiment.

Louis sniffled, wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes with his knuckle before they could fall. Dr. Malik was watching him closely, eyes never leaving the fragile sight before him.

Louis finally answered after sighing.

“Because it’s easier for them to lock me away than admit I loved someone they didn’t approve of.” He mumbled, referring to his parents.

He paused. Then, his voice softened to barely above a whisper. “I just… didn’t want to lose him.” Louis sat rigidly in the high-backed chair, still trembling, his fingernails indenting half-moons into his palms.

Dr. Malik didn't speak again right away. The only sounds in the room were the low hum of rain outside and the faint scratching of his ink pen against paper. His writing was slow, almost as if it was deliberate, and Louis became painfully aware of how long it was taking.

He shifted, chair creaking, eyes flicking across the desk to the pad of notes resting on the desk. The handwriting was sharp, messy, but incredibly clinical. Louis squinted his eyes as he tried to read.

“Erotomania.
Sexual inversion.
Obsessive ideation.
Hysterical response.
Moral disorientation.”

His throat tightened. He didn't know exactly what all the words meant, but he knew what they felt like. It was like being gutted in real time, like he was being picked apart and dissected from everything he said, every little reaction he’d made during the interview.

He blinked hard and while looking back up, he swallowed the sting behind his eyes.

Dr. Malik didn’t look up from the page as he spoke. His voice was soft; he wasn't cruel, but wasn’t kind either. Just impassive.

“That must have been difficult to recount.”

He finally raised his gaze. “In your own words, would you say your actions that day were premeditated?”

Louis hesitated. The panic in his chest hadn’t settled. In fact, it coiled tighter. The doctor’s eyes were too steady, too calm. And Louis didn’t want to lie, but the truth felt even worse.

“No,” he said, voice raw. “I didn’t plan any of it. I just… I wanted him to know how I felt. I didn’t mean to scare him.”

“Yet you did.”

Louis flinched at the reply. There was no judgment in Dr. Malik’s tone and maybe that was worse.

“And now,” Malik added, “you’ve been removed from the general population for their safety. And, perhaps, for yours.”

Dr. Malik’s words lingered in the air, sending a chill down Louis’ spine. He’d never imagined this as the result, being locked up into an asylum just a mere three hours away from his family. The only thing he regretted out of all of this was forcing himself onto Liam. It was impulsive, he knew that, he knew he couldn’t change Liam even if he tried to kiss him or touch him, but he wasn’t going to apologize for being attracted to the same sex.

***

Louis was taken back to the first floor after his mentally taxing intake interview. It felt like Dr. Malik was testing him, trying to see what would make him crack, how he would respond to such questions. But all it did was put him on edge, walking tensely behind an orderly through each of the wards.

He couldn’t help his eyes from wandering. Patients lingered in the hall, either leaning against the wall or standing in the doorway of their room. Some eyed him menacingly, staring at his small frame with ravenous eyes.

The wards smelled of a mixture of musty dust and urine. He stared into some of the rooms as he passed, one man curled up into the fetal position on his bed sobbing as loud as his lungs would allow, another as young as him writing on the walls in chalk and speaking out loud about the Rapture.

Louis could feel the panic trying to creep into his chest as the orderly led him into his assigned room. It wasn’t much, just a wire spring twin bed frame with a cheap mattress on top with one blanket and one uncomfortable looking pillow. A bedside table with one drawer and a door below sat beside the bed with basic amenities on top.

And that was it. Not even a window, not even decoration. Just Louis, the bed, and bland concrete walls and pale gray concrete flooring.

His footsteps echoed as he lingered inside.

“I have to stay here?” Louis turned around, uncertain, the orderly standing in the doorway.

She could see the fear in his eyes, could feel the panic rising in him. It radiated off his body like heat. But she didn’t get paid enough to particularly care.

She just nodded her head, told him to change into the gown that was neatly folded at the end of the bed, and that was the end of it. She shut the gray-painted door behind her with a thunk. It had a grated window at eye level, iron hinges, and an external locking mechanism unbeknownst to him.

Changing into the gown meant he no longer had a choice. It officially made him a resident, a patient. Locked up with nothing but the thoughts in his mind. And giving up that freedom for the mere fact that he liked the opposite sex felt wrong. He didn’t want to do it. But he also didn’t want to get in trouble, so he forced himself into the cheap cotton, put on a pair of cheaply threaded hospital socks, and sat on the edge of the bed to wait.

Doors around him opened and shut, orderlies down the hall could be heard yelling for backup. Louis didn’t even realize he was visibly shaking until a woman appeared in front of the door, before proceeding to open it and enter without so much of a knock. Privacy didn’t exist here.

“Good morning, Mr. Tomlinson! Welcome to Bradley Bay! Please call me Miss. Cahill, I’m your assigned orderly today.” The woman’s voice was chirpy, her eyes sparkled with a genuinity. She looked like the only staff member who actually wanted to be here, and the positivity she created just by greeting Louis like he was an actual human being was a stark contrast to everything else in this asylum.

She was holding a small paper cup with a single pill in it, and a half-full plastic cup of water. She smiled down at him as she neared the bed.

“I have your dose for this morning.” She shook the little paper cup to confirm.

Louis raised a single brow, eyes peering down into the cup like he didn’t trust what was being given. Because he didn’t.

“Um, what is it?” He mumbled.

Miss Cahill blinked mindlessly, like his question had thrown her off (it did. She made it too obvious). She wasn’t used to the patients asking what they were being given. Most of them did as told and swallowed. But she knew this one would be different. She’d gotten report on him from Dr. Malik, she heard why he was here.

“It’s just… for anxiety, that’s all. Just so you don’t get overwhelmed on your first day.” A smile. It felt too genuine. She sounded too sweet.

Louis hesitated. She only answered half the question, and didn't bother to tell him what exactly the medication was called. But he slowly reached for the paper cup, threw it back so that the pill would slide into his mouth. He slowly took the water from her, downed it like he hadn’t been hydrated in ages. The pill went down his throat with the water.

“Very good.” She smiled reassuringly while taking the cups back from him. “We have some ground rules we need to follow, okay? Taking your medication is one of them.” And then she started going on and on.

Breakfast from 0730 to 0830.
Lunch from 1130 to 1230.
Dinner from 1730 to 1830.
Curfew at 2000.
Assigned shower time is 1300 to 1400.
Visiting hours are from 1300 to 1600, supervised.
Weekly visits with psychiatrist Dr. Malik on Mondays.
Weekly visits with assigned Doctor, details to come.
No males are permitted on the women’s side.
Outside is permitted unless given permission.
No physical touch between patients.
No lingering in patient’s rooms.

It was a lot. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to remember any of this, not when he was suddenly starting to feel slow and sluggish as Miss Cahill gave him a tour of the men’s side. The location of the lavatory, the day room. They double backed to the reception hall, she showed him the mess hall where food was served and patients ate.

Miss Cahill made sure to tell him he had to eat, no skipping meals. And just when Louis wanted to ask why, he had the pleasure of witnessing a force feed when a patient was refusing breakfast. It was horrifying to witness, the way the man tried to resist, the way he yelled out like he was in danger. Other patients watched like this was curious entertainment for them. And maybe that alone was disturbing enough.

Louis wanted to throw up at the sight. It sickened him to see staff members force the patients to eat. It was deeply disturbing to see how harsh they could be, how they practically man-handled patients.

The tour had ended when they made their way back to Louis’ room. Miss Cahill said she would be around if he needed anything, but Louis was going to try to leave her be. He wanted nothing to do with her or anyone else for that matter.

When Louis was left to his own devices, he couldn’t tell what time it was. Clocks didn’t seem to exist in this place, other than in the offices and the reception hall, and there was no way he was walking all the way back there.

He ended up skipping lunch when no one came to get him to tell him it had started. So, he walked the halls and wandered aimlessly. He was drowsy from the tour, but his limbs were starting to feel heavier, his steps were growing slower, and his mind felt disoriented. All the anxiety and fear he once felt had been replaced with this numbness.

It was the medication. Of course it was.

He needed to sit down, but he had no idea what ward he was in at this point. There weren’t any indications, hardly any signs. His brain felt fuzzy, he could’ve sworn someone was trying to speak to him but it wasn’t registering. All he could focus on was a flicker of light across the ceiling as his vision began to tunnel.

“Are you okay, sir?” A male orderly had asked. The question sat in Louis’ mind for an extra moment. He slowly shook his head in a delayed reaction.

“Let’s get you back to your room.”

With the help of the orderly, Louis was gently walked back to his ward, back into his room. Patients in the same ward as him were watching out of curiosity, eyeing the unknown patient to them, some whispering to each other.

Louis could barely register what was happening, couldn’t even keep his eyes closed at this point. Once they found the door labelled with Louis’ name at the side, the orderly guided him over to his bed to help lay him down. The moment his body hit the firm mattress, he had instinctually curled up and buried his head into the pillow.

The darkness that followed consumed him like a black hole, swallowing every last piece of who he used to be.

Chapter Text

Louis’ eyes flickered. The dimmest lighting greeted him as his eyes fluttered open, and the first thing he heard was the guy next door waking up in a panic and crying out about a shadow.

He was groggy, headachy, and he couldn’t really recall the last few hours. In fact, he had no idea how he ended up in his room. Last he remembered, he was walking the halls, trying to orient himself to his surroundings. But his brain went fuzzy, he remembered feeling numb. And now here he was swimming in a pool of fear and confusion.

The iron bed frame creaked as he sat up. He rubbed his eyes with his knuckles, a yawn escaping his lips as his eyes tried to focus on his surroundings.

The lights had dimmed down, signifying that night was upon them, probably the only way he’d be able to tell time in this place. This had also meant that he skipped dinner, and it was a bit of a surprise to him that no one came to get him. Didn’t Miss Cahill stress the importance of eating?

Maybe they had left him alone because it was his first day, because he was adjusting, getting used to an unfamiliar environment. Either way, Louis could feel his stomach gurgling, because now he’d gone without food for over ten hours.

Louis slowly got up out of bed. The blood had rushed to his brain all at once, causing his vision to blur and sparkles to fill the room. He pressed the palm of his hand to the wall to steady himself and keep himself from falling over. Once the stars had disappeared, he shook his head, then padded across the floor to his door.

Except when he tried to open it, it wouldn’t budge. It was locked.

He wanted to panic right then and there. He pulled at the handle, harder, causing the hinges to rattle. The sounds echoed throughout his room, he pressed his face to the window with wide eyes full of terror, chest heaving because the door wasn’t moving. He was trapped.

As if the universe had heard him, a male orderly with a five o’clock shadow and dull eyes slowly walked past, causing Louis to rapidly pound on the window with his hand in an attempt to catch his attention. When he succeeded, the man walked up to the observation window in his door, proceeded to unlock the window and lift it up. He raised a brow as if to silently ask what he needed.

What I need is to get out of here.

“Hi I-“ Louis stuttered due to the tightness in his chest. “I can't get out. The door is stuck and I-“ He shuddered at the mere thought of being trapped in here, staring at the nurse with desperate eyes like this moment was an end all be all.

The orderly sighed.

“It’s past eight o’clock, kid.” He grumbled. “Doors lock at curfew.”

Louis opened his mouth to respond, but nothing came out. 

“Erm- I didn’t have dinner. I’m hungry. And I-” The man was staring at him with a bored expression. Like he’s witnessed this scene one too many times. It was clear the orderly didn’t care to listen to his sob story, and the silence was speaking louder than verbally responding, so with a frustrated sigh, Louis continued.

“What if I have to use the bathroom?”

A short pathetic chuckle left the man’s lips, which just about drained the color in Louis’ face. His eyes scanned the deserted hallway in hopes of finding someone more sympathetic, but there was no one.

“You will have to wait until morning.” A lie. If patients needed to use the wash room at night, they would need to be accompanied by an orderly, but Louis wasn’t aware of that.

He almost let out a scoff. “Morning? Well what if there’s a fire?”

The orderly let out a dark chuckle. “Then you should hope I make it in time to unlock your door.”

The orderly slammed the window down followed by a tight click.

Louis exhaled a shaky breath. His chest was rising too fast, everything around him started to blur. Not to mention his stomach was gurgling, and next thing he knew, he was wiping tears away as they rapidly streamed down his cheeks. And that’s what he did for a majority of the night.

He never realized how alone one could feel until this very moment. He was already beginning to feel homesick. He missed the warmth of his mum’s hugs, the playful laughter of his sisters, the sounds of the leaves rustling from the breeze and the birds chirping in his backyard. He missed working at his father’s general store even though he often hated it, because all he wanted to do was write. But most of all, he missed his best friend.

Louis curled up in his tiny, uncomfortable, and creaky bed with the blanket up to his neck and his face buried in his pillow. Because really, that was all he could do. It was all he wanted to do because his life was now over, reduced to nothing. Grouped with the mentally ill all because of a kiss. And an impulsive action. He’d admit he was wrong for doing that to Liam, but why was it so wrong for him to be attracted to men?

He was never getting out of here. He was already convinced.

***

The following morning, Louis was woken up by Miss Cahill for his morning dose, was sent for breakfast, barely ate because the powdered scrambled eggs were bland and disgusting. He drank the lukewarm black tea, and watched other patients around him out of sheer curiosity. One of them caught Louis staring, called him a fairy boy, and stalked over to him with a menacing look. Thankfully, an orderly intercepted him because it was time for the man’s meeting.

That was Louis’ cue to leave the dining hall.

He spent the rest of his morning hiding away in his room. He stared up at the ceiling, daydreamed about how his picnic with Liam could’ve gone differently. He honestly should’ve just kept his mouth shut. He should’ve kept his secrets to himself, lived the lie for his whole life and things probably could’ve been okay for him. The shame from the event with Liam and from his interview was ever-present and inescapable.

At some point in the day, he asked for chalk from Miss Cahill, and although she technically wasn’t allowed to give him a stick, she did anyway. So he spent the rest of the morning doodling flowers on the floor. It provided temporary relief, but it wasn’t enough to rid of the dread in his stomach, not until his dose kicked in and numbed him again.

Lunch was just as bad, if not worse. The food was bland, overcooked, and he absolutely hated how alone he felt in a dining hall full of other patients who looked just as miserable, if not even more, than him.

Louis didn’t finish lunch. He didn’t have the appetite and it didn’t help that it tasted inedible. Thankfully, no one reprimanded him. And no one came to give him more medications.

Now, he had found himself in the day room, his first time properly spending time in there. The day room was busy at this time of day, but the first thing Louis noticed was the smell of disinfectant mixed with cigarette smoke. There were many uncomfortable and worn arm chairs and couches, with board games like Monopoly, The Game of Life!, and Parchesi were scattered on different long tables, and some on coffee tables. There were rocking chairs lined along the back walls, occupied by patients who looked like they were in a daze. A bit of sunshine peeked through the high barred windows that were covered by aged lace curtains.

Louis looked around, found one older man whispering to a window, then eventually started to pace, another playing chess by himself and talking to someone invisible across from him. Someone was facing a corner reading a book, another was sitting at the table sorting buttons by color. A group sat at a table playing dominoes and arguing about Theodore breaking the rules. There were a small few who looked to be young adults, while most of them looked older, hair graying, eyes sunken, wrinkles indented in their skin. But maybe this place aged you faster.

Just as someone stood up from a worn velvet chair, Louis made his claim. He sat down, gulped thickly as he glanced around once more, watching as an orderly turned the radio on and soon enough, Billie Holiday’s ethereal voice filled the space, causing some of the men to immediately smile, get up, hum and sway along.

For a moment, everything felt normal. Up until it didn’t.

“TURN THAT OFF!” An older man, probably in his seventies screamed, causing some of the dancers to flinch. He stalked towards the radio in an attempt to do it himself, but the orderly supervising had stepped in front of him and tried to diffuse the situation. Louis watched the scene closely, watching as it just got worse.

“Ethel is gone! Turn it off!” The man broke into loud sobs, his crying overpowering the smoothness of Billie Holiday’s voice. It disrupted some of the other patients, because some were starting to grumble complaints, some covered their ears out of horror. All Louis couldn’t take his eyes away, equal parts curious and mortified.

The man dropped to his knees, crying out to the ceiling and thrashing when the orderly tried to redirect him. Soon enough, two more came running in to help, and Louis could see one of them gripping a needle full of a substance. The man yelled, tried to fight them, and even pushed one of them, causing the orderly to fall onto his butt. Eventually, the needle was jammed into the panicked man’s bicep, the substance was pushed into the muscle, and soon enough, he fell completely limp, succumbing to the deep slumber that greeted him.

Louis was shaking. Hadn’t even realized. He looked down to his hands in his lap, noticed the way they trembled as the man was carried out, and once again, Billie’s voice filled the silence, coaxing everyone back to peace and harmony.

“You know what happens after that?” A deep voice from behind asked.

Louis’ body jumped in his chair. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest from being startled, and it only picked up when he turned around to look at the man behind him, who was now chuckling darkly at his reaction. He was dressed in a white long sleeve shirt and a pair of off-white hospital pants. He had somewhat of a cheshire smile across rosy plump lips, chocolate brown curls falling just below his ears. He looked at Louis with a glint of something in olive green eyes, something that Louis couldn’t quite tell. Amusement? Curiosity?

“Um-” Louis swallowed thickly. The man stood over him like a tower. “No.”

The man hummed, circled the chair and sat down in the chair across from Louis with his elbows on his knees, interlocking his fingers and balancing his chin on them. He didn’t break eye contact.

“They’ll bring you to the second floor where treatment is given. Or punishment should you misbehave. And more often than not, punishment has little to do with the prescribed course of treatment.”

Louis immediately turned his head towards the door where the man had been carried out of. His mind had wandered, wondering what would happen to him after his outburst, even though it wasn’t his job to really care. Maybe he worried so much because he was afraid he would be next. Injected with something to sedate him and then wake up with no memories of it. He wondered if this was a usual thing for the orderlies to do, sedate so they don’t have to deal with the behavior.

Louis turned to look at the man again. He was still in the same position, though he was tapping his fingers against his knee, eyes narrow, never fully leaving Louis.

“What kind of treatment?” Louis softly asked, his voice not entirely sure he wanted to hear the answer.

The man licked over his bottom lip, a wicked smile forming as he sat back in the chair. “Well there's a variety.”

Louis went to speak but the man interrupted him almost instantly.

“In his case, a cold bath would be the probable treatment to calm the agitation, and a straitjacket since he struck at orderlies. He has reacted poorly to the radio before, so they may seek out something harsher than a bath.”

“What if- What if you’re into, um…” Louis’ voice trailed off. His palms in his lap were getting clammy from the thought of an ice bath, he couldn’t possibly wrap his head around how a cold bath could help calm someone down, the frozen temperature would personally agitate him further if he was put into one.

He was also nervous from the way this man’s gaze never once unwavered. He looked too comfortable, too smug for some reason, like he was already enjoying the interaction, by Louis’ uncomfortable demeanor.

“What if you- You’re attracted to men?” Finally, he came out with it. He wasn’t sure exactly why it was so difficult for him to just ask, but he instantly regretted it because now he didn’t want the answer.

Not when the man’s smirk only grew wider.

“They might castrate you.”

The gasp that left Louis’ lips was too loud than he intended, causing some eyes to wander over to the source of it. Louis’ cheeks blushed at the accidental attention.

And through it all, that dark chuckle rumbled from the man’s lips, like he was enjoying Louis’ anxiety, enjoying the panicked look on his face, the wide of his cerulean blue eyes as they practically bulged out of his sockets.

Louis couldn’t even speak. It was like his lungs had forgotten how to circulate oxygen and regulate the carbon dioxide.

“Do not scare him, brother.”

The rasped voice was enough to bring Louis out of whatever nightmare he was about to subject himself to. He looked up to where the raspy voice came from, someone looking exactly like the man in front of him stood beside him, wearing the same long sleeve shirt and pants, but with a somewhat lighter shade of brown curls tied back into a bun. His hands were behind his back and he stared at Louis, his voice soft, almost formal.

Louis had to blink a couple times at the sight, because it felt like he was seeing double. But after rubbing his eyes with his fingers, both men were still there and staring at him expectantly.

“They’re not going to hurt you,” The man with the bun mumbled, followed by a quick, “Yet.”

Louis’ breath hitched at the ominous comment.

“I'm just telling him the truth.” The man sitting down carelessly shrugged, then proceeded to shoot Louis a wink. It sent a chill down Louis’ spine.

“My sincerest apologies, but I do not believe my brother has properly introduced himself.” The man with the bun dismissed the conversation by moving directly in front of Louis to hold his own hand out. “His name is Harry, my name is Edward.” Another hand reached out, Harry's, and Louis hesitated a moment before finally shaking both with the correct opposite hand.

“Uh hi.” He managed to speak out, earning quizzical looks from both men. “Are you two-”

“Twins. Identical.” Edward simply answered. His responses were clipped and dignified, a clear contrast to his twin.

“Isn’t it quite obvious, sweetheart?” Harry cheekily grinned, dimples popping out in his cheeks, looking exactly like the ones Edward had indented in his own cheeks.

“I guess-”

Then, Edward cut in. Hands behind his back again, body slightly leaned forward as he stared at Louis for too long.

“And what might your name be? What is the reason behind your admission?”

Louis didn’t want to answer. He didn’t even want to tell his name. He wasn’t here to make friends, despite his impending loneliness, which was bound to catch up to him soon enough.

He shakily inhaled, looked back and forth between the two pairs of eyes that were staring him down. Harry was staring at him with a knowing look, Edward was stoic, not a single thing behind those eyes.

But for some reason, he couldn’t resist them.

“I’m-”

“Harry.” An Irish accent interrupted him before he could say his name.

The moment his eyes landed on the Irish lad, Harry tipped his head back with a crooked smile.

“Ah, Dr. Horan. Come to torment me again?”

The blonde assistant approached, pale from the lack of sun, his expression stricken. He sighed.

“I’m no doctor, Mr. Styles. I follow orders, nothing more.”

Harry’s grin only sharpened.

“Orders from Clark? You’re as corrupt as he is. Both of you are drowning in sin.”

Edward let out a low laugh at the dig, while Louis bit at his lip, torn between dread and fascination. He was afraid of a repeat from earlier. His eyes darted back and forth depending on who spoke.

“If you object,” Niall said, trying for sternness though his voice wavered, “take it up with Dr. Clark. You were due in his laboratory half an hour ago. Where have you been?”

Harry only hummed, seemingly unbothered.

“Busy.” His eyes glinted wickedly.

“You must come at once. He’s already displeased—”

Edward suddenly stepped in, rising as Harry did and flinging an arm across his chest. Somehow, he still looked calm and collected, even though Louis could see the storm brewing behind his eyes.

“You’re not giving him shocks again. Not this time.” He spoke sternly, as if he had a say in the treatment

Louis’s stomach dropped.

Harry sighed, dipped his head down for just a moment, like maybe something in him was cracking, but then he stepped away from Niall, a silent way of telling him he didn’t want to go.

“Edward, please—” Niall faltered, voice cracking.

“It won’t cure a damn thing!” Edward’s sudden shout rattled the room, drawing stares.

Niall’s jaw tightened as he reached for Harry’s bicep, attempting to pull him out of Edward’s reach. Harry almost cursed at him, while Edward responded by immediately wrapping an arm around his twin’s torso to pull him back into his chest. Harry wasn’t even fighting back, he was just letting the two men fight over him. Maybe he’d accepted his fate.

“Enough. Release him. You cannot shield him forever. Obedience will spare you both from needless suffering.” His Irish accent grew thicker the more frustrated he got, and Louis almost stood up to maybe intervene, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. It was like he’d been glued to the seat.

Edward clutched Harry tighter, chest heaving.

“I’ll see this place in hell before I let you touch him!”

The orderlies descended then. A rush of uniforms, a syringe flashing in the light. Louis sat frozen, watching in slow motion as Harry was wrenched away, shouting for his brother as he was taken out of the day room, while Edward thrashed until the needle plunged into his arm. His body slackened almost instantly, head lolling before he was dragged away like a rag doll.

An older nurse muttered, “First outburst we’ve had from that one in quite a while.” Then focused her attention on dragging Edward out of the room with the others helping.

Louis clutched the arms of his chair until his knuckles burned, unable to move, watching the nightmare play out like a scene trapped in amber flames.

He didn’t leave that chair for hours. He couldn’t. Not after watching a man be ripped away from his twin, and that said twin was sedated for trying to defend him. Not when that man from earlier cried over the loss of Ethel, who must have been someone important to him. It was terrifying to see patients treated this way, like they could just be numbed and taken away to be dealt with or not dealt with. Louis was utterly terrified of the same fate as them.

As he sat, the day room moved around him. Patients came in and out, the music changed, dominoes switched to Rummy, players subbed in and out, and not even the screams of someone losing was enough to break him from the state he was in.

It wasn’t until dinner that he forced himself up.

***

Louis couldn’t sleep that night. As he laid on the cheap bed, curled up facing the wall and staring blankly into it, the incident in the day room replayed in his mind over and over like a radio caught in static, hissing and crackling to no end.

He wondered, was sedating the answers to all of their problems? The moment peace and harmony was disrupted by someone unruly, they didn’t hesitate to poke. How could they possibly be helping these patients if all they did was punish? At least, that was how it looked to Louis.

But those twins? What was their predicament? And why did Louis care so much about two men he’d only known for all of ten minutes? Whatever it was, they seemed like they’ve been here for quite a while. And maybe, just maybe, they could be someone he could rely on.

Louis could hear footsteps approaching out in the hall, causing him to suddenly sit up out of pure curiosity. He hurried out of bed and crouched in front of his door so his eyes could peek out the window. He watched as the patient in the room across the hall from him walked up to his door. Louis could faintly hear him asking to use the restroom, and the orderly unlocked the door and walked him down the hall.

So, the whole time last night he had to suffer with a full bladder when that orderly could have taken him to the bathroom?

“Jesus.” Louis muttered. And that was when he learned he couldn’t rely on anyone in this asylum. And he wouldn’t.

***

“It’s a new day, Mr. Tomlinson.”

Louis was just barely in and out of sleep, eyes glued closed with no motivation whatsoever to start “the new day.”

That night, he slept horribly, with distant and nearby moans and cries of patients suffering from solitude, and wanting out. Even with the doors closed, Louis still felt like he could hear everything. The walls were unfortunately thin. He swore he could hear his neighbor to the right having a wank, and it had the complete opposite effect on him for once.

Not only that, but his mind had wandered all night, back to the incident in the day room, the twins, Liam. Just about everything and anything. Contemplating what his life would be like in this place, what it would look like after this place, if there even was an after.

Louis slowly sat up, rubbed his eyes as the bed frame creaked. There was a dull pain in his back today from the uncomfortable mattress, but he kept quiet about it because he didn’t trust Miss Cahill, or anyone, to actually do something about it.

“Time to take your dose.” She tightly smiled down at him while holding out the small paper cup. The same pill he’d taken yesterday morning.

Louis looked up at her. “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

Miss Cahill insisted. “Take them.” She suddenly spoke with a harsh assertiveness. It was different from her usual chirpy and preppy demeanor. And to be honest, it was a tad off-putting hearing her like this.

“I don't want them.” Louis crossed his arms over his chest tightly as he looked away and tilted his chin up out of defiance. He hated the way the pills made him. They were sedating him, numbing him, so they didn’t have to deal with him. The only good thing that came out of the mystery medicine was that it stopped his mind from thinking, but even that was starting to scare him.

But Miss Cahill’s face dropped. What was once stern, was now worried, almost fearful as she looked down at him.

“Louis, don’t make me do it.” She whispered with pleading eyes. That was the first time she’d ever used his name.

Louis’ lips parted at the sudden change in her demeanor. She had softened, was begging him to take the pill or else something was bound to happen.

“Miss Cahill if you could please hurry, we have other patients to attend to.” A second, more stern, voice scolded from the doorway, writing something down on a clipboard with a solemn look.

"Is someone unwilling to take their medication?” The same lady spoke as though she was talking to a little kid, lips pursed in a childish pout. “Then we will simply have to help him, hm?”

Miss Cahill was quick to shake her head, eyes almost bulging out of their socket as she began to protest. “Oh no Mrs. Johanson, I have it under control-”

Mrs Johanson put her hand up to silence her. “Careful, Miss Cahill. Unless you want me to find someone else who can manage. You must remember your yearly review is today.”

Louis looked back and forth between the two as they discussed and argued, nervously gulping at what was to come. He draped his legs over the edge of the bed away from the two and decided that maybe he could dart for the door without being noticed since they were so invested in each other.

But Miss Johanson had a sharp eye, and she wasn’t going to let him get away. Not under her watch.

“Get him!”

He was immediately held down by his orderly, Miss Cahill, causing him to immediately fight back by kicking and screaming, “let me go!”

Miss Johanson straddled his waist, shouting at him as more orderlies came in to help. They held his arms and legs down so the much stronger orderly could finally get her way.

“Open your mouth!” She yelled, forcefully grabbing Louis’ jaw and trying to force it open. But Louis shut it closed as tight as he could, all while trying to get out of everyone's grip, but they were all much stronger than him. He didn’t have a chance, he was already starting to feel weak, he could feel the sweat gathering at his forehead as his chest heaved, loudly whining when his mouth was aggressively forced open. He could hear Miss Johanson shouting for someone to hand her the pill, and eventually, she dropped it into his mouth. It hit the back of his throat, causing him to immediately gag and cough; he wouldn't let it go down.

“Swallow!” She yelled in his face, feeling the spit from the inside of her mouth hit his skin, causing him to gag in disgust.

“N-no!” He managed to scream, almost spitting it out but she grabbed him by the throat and squeezed until it was swallowed and traveling down to his stomach. Louis screamed, this time high pitched and more piercing as she let go to let him finally breathe. And as everyone else let go of his limbs, he screamed and kicked and demanded to be let go.

He wasn't even controlling his actions, wasn’t even aware of the tears streaming down his cheeks. He felt like he had watched that entire moment outside of his own body, which terrified him. He was sobbing, yelled about wanting to go home, begged to be released, that nothing was wrong with him. But soon enough, he felt a sudden sharp pain in his bicep, and he swore he could see small black birds flying in the corner of his room before the darkness enveloped him.

Chapter Text

Louis’ eyes slowly opened, turning his head to look around the unfamiliar room before him. The walls were a white-washed concrete with visible cracks and very few water stains. The ceilings were high, littered with fluorescent lights, and a metal ventilation grate faintly buzzed. The floors were too polished, the metal wheeled tray was too organized with different metal instruments, but what caught Louis’ eyes was the projector machine and shock therapy unit set up against the wall, their wires coiled like sleeping snakes.

It was the kind of room designed for cruelty and for screams to echo.

Barred windows, the burning smell of antiseptic, labeled metal cabinets, restraints hanging loose on the leather exam chair he was currently sitting in. It was all unsettling. It was clear this room wasn’t for treatment.

Louis hardly remembered what had happened prior to waking up, and he didn’t quite know how he ended up here. His head was pounding and all he wanted to do was curl up in his bed and sleep, but he knew for a fact that wouldn’t be happening anytime soon.

Suddenly, the heavy oak door opened and in came a man with a lab coat and dark, almost faded to gray hair walking in. He had a bit of stubble from what Louis could tell and the paleness of his skin signified he would spend more time in his lab than outside. The door closed behind him with an echo.

He offered Louis a small smile before pressing his lips into a thin line, looking at him with a solemn expression. He grabbed the hanging clipboard off the hook by the door as he stepped further in.

“You must be Mr. Tomlinson. I’m Dr. Clark. I specialize in… disorders of deviance,” he said curtly, eyes flicking down to the clipboard in his hands. “Rest assured, you’ve come to the right place. We will have you sorted out in due time.”

Louis’ eyebrows furrowed, and he opened his mouth to speak, but all he could do was stutter. The closer Dr. Clark walked, the more anxiety creeped back into his chest.

Dr. Clark circled behind the chair and started to set up the projector.

“I had planned to wait until at the very least tomorrow to begin, to give you time to acclimate. However—” he clicked a reel into place, “—following this morning’s incident, the staff insisted we begin treatment immediately.”

The hum of the machine grew louder. Louis swallowed thickly as he watched Dr. Clark’s movements closely, eyes slowly widening at the machine he was getting ready.

Was this what Harry was referring to yesterday in the day room? Was he about to be punished for not taking his dose? Perhaps it was a warning to him to follow the rules so not as to end up with the same fate, but if he felt as though he didn’t need medication, then he should at least try to refuse, right? Wrong, apparently. 

“Confusion of the mind is not uncommon in young men. But attraction to one’s own sex is… a distortion, but one we can correct.” His tone was rehearsed, clinical. “In all likelihood, it’s a temporary fixation.”

Louis inhaled a shaky breath as Dr. Clark attached electrodes to his temples. He flinched, almost wanted to smack the doctor’s hand away, but knew better than to do it. He couldn’t even gather the words to defend himself, to stand up, shake the man, and tell him that nothing was wrong with him, that maybe the attraction to the same sex wasn’t so bad after all. But he was frozen. He had no restraints on yet he felt glued to the chair.

Dr. Clark continued and motioned to the screen.

“This machine here is designed to aid in rehabilitation. You’ll be shown a sequence of photographic stimuli. Each time an improper association is detected,” he gestured to the device attached to the electrodes, “A corrective pulse will be administered.”

And that was when Louis squirmed, almost reaching his hands up to mess with the electrodes on his temples. He could feel that pressure in his chest, making it hard to breathe. His mind was running a mile a minute, telling him to run, to get out of there.

Dr. Clark’s voice intercepted Louis’ deep thinking. “Please remain still. The convulsion will pass swiftly.”

Finally, Louis’s voice cracked. “Please don’t—”

TW: ELECTRIC SHOCK THERAPY. PROCEED TO THE NEXT TIMESKIP (when you see ***)

Clark interrupted with a crisp tsk, locked Louis’ wrists into the leather restraints. Louis tried to lift his wrists up, but they were so tight around him that even the slightest movement hurt.

Dr. Clark then returned his focus back to the machine. He continued even as Louis tried to get his wrists out (and failed miserably).

“Each slide featuring deviant behavior will be marked with an ink indicator. When the reader detects that mark, and your gaze, the current will be triggered. Consider it a lesson in moral hygiene.”

Louis swallowed. “So… every time I look at two men, I get shocked?”

Clark chuckled darkly. “Precisely. And you’ll receive another should you avert your eyes. I’m watching you closely.”

Louis was already mortified at the thought of this being his treatment. But he didn’t have time to think. The first image flickered onto the wall. A man and a woman in bed. Louis flinched like he was waiting for a shock.

“This,” Clark said, almost sighing, “is what healthy desire looks like. And how does it make you feel?”

Louis wrinkled his nose out of disgust. “Sick.”

Zap.

Louis gasped, the voltage striking hard through his skull. He let out a cry of pain and his voice echoed through the room like it was mocking him.

“Next.”

Another image flashed from the projector. This time of two men. Another zap was sent through, but it was harder this time. Louis let out a high pitched whimper from the pain in his head.

“This is not what you should want. Such acts are not just unnatural,  they are degenerate.”

Louis squinted, his head was pounding worse now. His vision had blurred for just a split second, but refocused as Dr. Clark stepped closer.

“No reaction? Not even shame?”

Louis opened his mouth, only to close it again, already defeated. It still wasn’t doing anything for him, it wouldn’t. He would never change no matter how hard they tried, he already knew that. Because he couldn’t help the way he felt, he couldn’t control the fact that his desires felt right and natural to him.

He shut his eyes tightly as tears began to form. That earned him a slap across his cheek, causing his eyes to suddenly open again, wide from surprise. A single tear escaped down his cheek.

“If you close your eyes again, the current will double. Do I make myself clear?”

Louis didn’t even nod. His body was already shaking from fear, he could barely think from how hard the hammer in his head was pounding on him, and Dr. Clark’s voice felt so far away. All he could focus on was the whirring from the projector, the only thing keeping him tethered to this moment.

The noise tunneled through his skull, and when he didn’t respond, another shock was sent though. He had no idea how long the treatment lasted, because eventually, a switch had flipped from within him; the darkness swallowed Louis whole.

***

Hours later, Louis’ eyes slowly fluttered open. The migraine in his head was the first to greet him, causing a whimper to escape his lips as he shifted a bit in his head. It had barely registered to him that he was back in his room, not until he rubbed his eyes and actually opened them.

His memory felt like a black hole. Missing fragments of multiple hours throughout the few days that he’d been here. He wondered if the place was deliberately making him crazy, wondering if this was their plan all along. He had gaps in his memory, especially today, and he strained his brain trying to figure out just exactly what had happened this morning leading up to this very moment.

“Hi, sweetheart.”

A rasped voice suddenly filled the silence of the room, causing the small boy to jump in complete fear. The voice was familiar, but Louis found himself curling his legs up and covering his face with his hands as his body shook and exhaled shaky breaths from quivering lips.

Footsteps grew closer, the bed dipped beside him, and a hand was gently placed on his back, and whoever it was started to slowly rub in an attempt to calm him down. It definitely worked, because Louis’ body had stopped trembling for a moment.

“Relax, lover boy. It’s me, Harry.”

Harry? One of the twins he had met? What could he possibly be here for?

Louis slowly turned his head around, and sure enough, his suspicion was correct. Sat on his bed was the man from yesterday who tried to scare him, tease him, whatever his goal was.

His curls were tad messier today, tangled up, a little on the frizzier side. He had noticeable dark circles under his eyes and droopy olive green eyes as he looked at Louis with a subtle curiosity behind them. Even though he looked like he’d seen some things, he was a fairly attractive man. Louis couldn’t ignore that.

“Why are you here?” Louis murmured, slowly sitting up and criss-crossing his legs. His head slightly swayed, the migraine making him dizzy with every movement he seemed to make, so he laid his head in the palm of his hand and closed his eyes.

Harry smirked.

“I can’t help it, darling. Turns out I’m tragically sentimental.” And when Louis opened his eyes at the response, cheeks a slight shade of pink, Harry winked. He’d been thinking about him since they had met.

Louis stuttered in response, finding himself flustered. “Oh! Um-“ Because really, he didn’t know how to respond to that. No one had ever shown interest in him like that, except for maybe a girl in high school he wanted nothing to do with.

Harry chuckled. “Relax. I was taking a stroll when I just happened to notice them carrying you back to your room. You see, I found myself quite worried given the state you appeared to be in.”

He combed a few fingers through Louis’ frazzled hair, smoothening each strand out and trying to get the tangles out.

Louis leaned slightly into Harry’s touch. He didn’t even realize he was doing so. His touch was gentle, even if he was just fixing up his hair. It reminded him of his mother and the way she used to do that to him as a child when he would sit on her lap. He longed for her affection the more he got older, and especially nowadays, and now that he was away from home.

He slowly closed his eyes again and his breathing softened as a wave of calmness washed over him for the first time since he’d arrived here. It was exactly what he needed after the pain he endured from Dr. Clark.

“I find that I am unable to remember some things.” Louis softly spoke. He wasn’t sure if Harry would know what he was talking about, but he felt comfortable enough with him to tell him.

Harry’s movements never stopped, instead, his hand found the back of Louis’ head and he started to softly stroke his hair to keep him coaxed.

Harry let out a small sigh.

“It’s unfortunately a side effect of the electrodes. It happened to me yesterday. My brother helped me through it.”

Louis opened his eyes once again to look at the twin. He frowned, because even though it provided some relief that someone here was getting the same treatment, that someone here knew what it was like to feel that kind of pain, it hurt to know that Harry in particular understood. He didn’t deserve it, neither of them did.

In response, Louis shifted closer to Harry to lay his head on his shoulder. They sat like that for a minute, with Harry’s hand buried in Louis' hair, Louis’ head resting on his shoulder like it belonged there. Occasionally, Harry would glance towards the door to make sure no orderlies were passing by, not wanting to get in trouble for touching. The repercussions would be devastating.

Eventually, Harry pulled away and stood up.

“I must go, but rest assured, I’ll come back for you, sweetheart. You’ve made quite the habit of haunting me.”

Louis’ jaw dropped, at a loss for words. He was about to say something, anything, until a female voice interrupted the two of them.

“Mr. Tomlinson?”

The voice was small, insecure, and Louis knew immediately who it was before even looking in the doorway. Miss Cahill came walking in slowly with a frown across her lips and chocolate eyes looking guilty.

That’s when he realized this morning. The medication, the refusal. The force around his throat, the pill sliding into his mouth and down his esophagus. The shock therapy made it hard to remember most of the day, but the moment he saw Miss Cahill, it all came flooding back. He thought maybe she was someone he could trust, he was beginning to like her. But now? Now she was as bad as the rest of them.

“Go.” Louis grumbled.

“But Mr. Tomlinson-“

“Leave.” He repeated, his voice darker this time.

Miss Cahill looked at him with pleading eyes now. “Louis if you could just listen-“

“No!” Louis shouted as he abruptly stood up from the bed, then grabbed onto Harry’s bicep to steady himself when he started to feel a little dizzy. He persisted though, just so he could confront Miss Cahill.

“You seemed different from the other orderlies! I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, see!?” He continued yelling, earning a soft but grounding squeeze to the shoulder from Harry’s hand.

Harry pressed his lips to the shell of Louis’ ear to whisper, “You must lower your tone, darling. You wouldn’t want to go back up there.”

A gentle reminder that they could come and punish him whenever they wanted. He let his mouth linger against his ear a moment too long before pulling away. Miss Cahill glared at the intimacy of Harry’s actions, but remained silent about it.

Louis let out a frustrated sigh but he was right. If it were any other orderly, they would already be scolding Louis and dragging him back upstairs. But Miss Cahill didn’t move, she didn’t chastise him or Harry for the touches, for his attitude. She simply looked at him with sympathetic eyes.

He lowered his tone this time.

“What do you want, Miss Cahill?”

The orderly looked back and forth between Harry and Louis, an unreadable expression on her face, before responding in a small voice,

“I thought I’d check in. If anything’s troubling you… you can let me know.” She paused for a moment, and with a bow of her head, she wandered off to her next duty.

“Your name is Louis. Come with me, darling. You seem like you could use a bit of peace.” Harry stated, placing a hand on the small of Louis’ back and leading him out of his room.

“And, might I add, you’ve a very interesting name, indeed. Louis.” He looked down to the smaller boy with a flirtatious smile. Louis had to tilt his head up because of how small he was in comparison.

Louis didn’t respond, even though he kind of enjoyed the way Harry rasped his name. They walked in silence for a moment through the wards, before Louis finally broke it.

“Where are we going?”

Harry looked down at him, ignoring the glare from an orderly who wanted to call out the physical touch of his hand on Louis’ back, but knew not to. Louis opened his mouth to say something about it, but Harry was already speaking.

He grinned.

“Why, it’s time for supper.”

***

Louis’ metal tray clacked against the steel table as he took a seat across from Edward. The cafeteria was busy, patients sat eating and chatting away while uniformed kitchen staff ran around. Orderlies assigned to watch over the mess hall lingered and intervened when they needed to.

Dinner tonight consisted of stewed beef with turnips, a dinner roll on the side, and strawberry gelatin for dessert. The beef was bland, the turnips needed to be cooked a minute or two longer, and even the water tasted like it was used to wash the dishes.

Harry, who was sitting next to him, already took a bite, grimaced at the taste, and spit everything out into a napkin.

“Even I could cook better.” He grumbled, pushing his tray away from him. He grabbed the dinner roll though, it seemed to be the only good thing on the menu. He looked beside him at Louis who was about to put a turnip into his mouth.

“I would refrain from eating tonight, Louis. They call it stew, I call it a tragedy. You deserve better, darling.”

Louis almost choked on his own saliva at the comment. He was laying it on thick today, causing Louis to send him a glare, even though a part of him was starting to like it. He clearly wasn’t used to the attention Harry was giving him, but he could definitely get used to it.

Meanwhile, Edward rolled his eyes at the intersection. “Do not discourage him, brother. I am sure he has not had the chance to eat today, hm?”

Louis didn’t add to the conversion, mainly because Edward was right. He missed breakfast because of the mishap from this morning, only had a few bites at lunch, and now, it was looking like he wouldn’t be eating much of his dinner. He tried a bite of the beef, and sure enough, it was in desperate need of salt and pepper. His stomach was gurgling though, so he shoved another bite into his mouth.

“How do you mean?” Harry asked, leaning forward as he started intently at his twin.

Edward scoffed, pointing his hand palm up in Louis’ direction, tone remaining quiet. “I mean, look at the poor thing, he is eating like he has been on a hunger strike.”

Louis slowly looked up to the two twins, who were staring at him expectantly. He took the time to study the two, both having matching green eyes, the same sharp jawline that could easily kill Louis’ mind just thinking about it.

Harry’s hair is shorter though and a shade darker. He sat a bit slouched, fingers tapping absentmindedly against the table. His mouth curled just slightly, like he enjoyed irritating his twin for no reason.

Edward couldn’t be any more different. His curls fell down past his shoulder, but he sat up straight with one leg crossed over the other. He was deliberately quiet, almost calm and controlled, and his stillness was unnerving.

They were good-looking lads, Louis couldn’t ignore that observation.

“This is true.” He finally spoke out, “I wouldn't take my dose this morning, that is how I started treatment with Dr. Clark.”

Harry's face fell immediately, while Edward’s eyebrows furrowed with narrow eyes and a defensive glint in his eye. “Dr. Clark?” He muttered, voice filled with venom and fury.

“Can’t say I’m surprised.” Harry rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, slowly shaking his head.

“He had told me he specializes in disorders of deviance. What would that mean?” Louis took a sip of water to down the still raw turnip in his mouth.

Harry cut in first with a crooked grin.

“It means, sweetheart, that he thinks desire can be diagnosed.”

Edward let out a sigh at Harry’s response and shook his head in disapproval. He eyed Louis with a serious expression as he adjusted the sleeves of his shirt.

“What my twin means to say, is that Dr. Clark believes deviance is an illness and he’s here to cure it, like one would cure tuberculosis.”

Louis shuddered, inhaled a shaky breath as he looked back down to his tray. He was sent here by his parents in hopes of being cured, walking out a new man with the right attraction so they could marry him off to that girl. His face fell, he frowned, and he went radio silent.

Edward watched as Louis dipped his spoon into his gelatin, but didn’t bother to actually eat, he just played with it on his tray. He reached his hand over to wrap it around Louis' wrist to make him stop and to grab his attention, and it worked. Louis looked across the table at him.

“I would advise you to listen to us, Louis." Edward softly spoke, but his voice was firm. “We are very aware of how things operate here.”

Louis could see Harry nodding out of the corner of his eye.

“He’s right, you know. Stay close and nothing’ll touch you.”

Louis smiled small at the reassurance. It actually provided some relief knowing that the twins were willing to look out for him despite having known him for a short time. He wasn’t expecting to have met anyone here, almost convincing himself he would be left to figure this out on his own. It never crossed him that he would be able to hold normal conversations, because there was a wide variety of patients here who were not of sound mind, yet here he was talking to a pair of twins who were completely alert and oriented.

And it made him wonder just why the twins were admitted. It seemed like nothing was wrong with them. But maybe they were that good at putting up a facade.

By the time dinner was over, Louis felt himself to be utterly exhausted. He felt like he could just collapse right there on the bench, and the twins could sense this, so they didn’t waste any time taking him back to Ward D.

“Get some sleep, Lou.” Edward mumbled when they arrived at Louis’ room.

Louis stood in the doorway, staring up at the two with half-lidded eyes. He yawned.

“We’re in the same ward in room twelve, should you need anything.” Harry said, nodding in the direction of their room.

“Wait, you two share a room?”

The twins nodded at the same time. It was a curious thing because it was obvious everyone had their own separate rooms, so what was it exactly that made these two special?

But they didn’t indulge further and Louis knew better not to ask questions. So they said their goodnights and left Louis with a wandering mind.

***

The next afternoon, Louis was settled in a very uncomfortable and worn beige armchair, legs curled into his chest as his eyes carefully scanned around the Reception Hall, seemingly examining everything that he saw, and everything that went on. No one had walked through the entrance doors for approximately three hours, but he watched the orderlies rush around, trying to get from point A to point B.

Different gendered patients wandered around aimlessly, and a woman almost walked into the Men’s side until she was yelled at by an orderly. Clerks at the reception desk did any type of paperwork while doctors and psychiatrists picked up files and reports. The same things seemed to keep repeating as noon rolled by, and Louis watched the analogue clock hanging on the wall near to the right of him as the handle struck one.

The twins hadn’t left his thoughts since last night. His mind was running in circles trying to figure out their reasoning for being here, and why it seemed like they may have special privileges. It was almost hurting his brain just thinking about it.

“Louis.”

About thirty minutes after one, a rasped voice interrupted Louis’ brooding, causing him to slowly look up to see who it was.

”Hello, Louis.” Edward spoke with such formality, it almost threw him off, even though he should be expecting it every time the man spoke. He took a seat in the chair next to him. Harry stood with his eyes on Louis, and he winked when they made eye contact. Louis’ cheeks blushed a faint pink.

“Hi.” Louis sat up straight as he smiled small at both twins.

“How was your slumber?” Harry asked. “You were asleep when we stopped by. You must have been dreaming of me for you to not wake so easily.” He smiled cheekily, earning the slightest glare from Edward.

Louis’ cheeks blushed even further, which only earned a prideful smile from Harry, because he seemed to love getting Louis flustered. He always seemed to make it a point to do so.

“I can never get a full rest,” Louis explained, followed by a small sigh. “I wake up and I find it difficult to fall back asleep. I feel as though I’m tired all the time. Or maybe it’s just my dose.”

Edward spoke before Harry could try to flirt again. “You do look tired. I think you should get some rest.”

“Oh no-“ Louis shook his head. “No, I’m okay, really. My dose makes me particularly drowsy, numb even. If I were to go back to my room, then I would be kept to myself and want to sleep the afternoon away. Spending the days with you two would be better than being alone.”

And that was when Harry spoke with a bitter voice. “Here, solitude isn’t peace. It’s punishment.”

The air was heavy after it. Harry’s words loomed over like a dark storm cloud waiting to burst. Louis couldn’t object though, he was right. Louis’ thoughts were louder when he was alone, and especially when his dose was wearing off. And sometimes, it could feel like a punishment, especially if the thoughts were dark.

Louis’ attention suddenly turned to the doors opening, causing his eyes to light up. They were finally letting patients outside today, and he was already standing up and walking over like he had decided for the three of them that they were going to go outside.

The twins followed. They didn’t say anything.

“Please stay right out front!” An orderly yelled as a few patients came walking outside. She started listing off the rules but it was clear no one wanted to listen.

Louis was among them, socked feet walking on concrete. The moment he was exposed to the fresh air, he inhaled deeply with his eyes falling closed. He’d already missed the fresh summer breeze, the mixed scent of grass and wildflowers, and the warmth of the sun shining down on him from above. There weren't any windows in the building that he could look out, and if there were, then they were mostly covered with curtains and shades, as though they didn't want the public to see inside.

“Come, Louis.” Harry murmured as Edward briskly walked past the both of them. “To the garden.”

They walked around a gravel path and circled around the corner to the side of the building. From there, they walked another path to a secluded garden, hidden by hedges away from the building. Louis followed Edward, walked alongside Harry, not even noticing when their fingers just barely brushed against each other.

He looked around and saw planted flowers covering the ground, with a fountain and a few benches. The hedges were dry, the flowers inside were wilting, and Louis quickly assumed that no one was tending to their needs. There were many weeds growing around the area, but what stood out to Louis was the yellow dandelions and the matured dandelions with seeds. 

Louis plucked a mature one from the ground, watching as the twins sat at the edge of the fountain, who were watching him with squinted eyes because of how sunny it was. He brought the delicate thing up to his lips, closed his eyes for a few seconds, breathing softly through his nose with his lips pursed as he thought of his wish.

I wish for the strength to stand against them.

And then he blew. Opened his eyes so he could watch as each seed from the dandelion broke away and flew with the breeze, sending his wish off to the universe.

“What did you wish for, lover boy?” Harry, who’d been watching him the whole time, tilted his head to the side out of curiosity, and broke the silence between them. He cracked a small smirk when Louis’ cheeks blushed in response.

“Well, if I told you what the wish was, then it wouldn’t come true.”

Harry chuckled. “Nonsense. You don’t possibly believe that tomfoolery, do you?”

Louis shrugged. “You never know.”

Meanwhile, Edward had been sitting next to Harry, eyes wandering but never once tuning out of the conversation. Louis noticed it, noticed the way Edward was great at listening but only speaking when needed to, or when spoken to, and when it was, he was incredibly quiet.

“Louis.” Edward finally spoke, causing Louis to immediately look at him. He watched as Edward crossed one leg over the other, posture straightened, eyes focused intently on Louis compared to the way his twin leaned forward with both elbows on his knees.

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did you find yourself committed here?”

The question froze Louis’ bones. He had stopped all movement, eyes just blinking at the twins who were staring right back at him. His mouth opened and he stuttered, only to shut it again. Then, he looked away, looked up to the party cloudy sky as a gentle breeze rustled some of the bushes and leaves. It was clear he didn’t want to talk about it, not yet. He didn’t want to go through the process of unpacking it all and then experiencing the flashbacks all over again.

So, he kept his answer vague, but enough for them to gather the reality of it.

“I told him the truth,” He softly spoke and anxiously gulped before proceeding, “that I cared for him more than a friend. And when I leaned in, he recoiled as though I’d struck him.”

But unfortunately, it was in an instant that he was taken back to that moment. It was like he was transported through time and was plucked right back to that moment with Liam. He re-watched himself as he declared his feelings for Liam, watched as he leaned in, and tried to take things further. The flashbacks always came back and he didn’t know how to stop them.

It wasn’t until the memory ended that Louis had realized he had tears streaming down his cheeks. Edward was watching intently with narrowed eyes, and Harry leaned forward like he was utterly fascinated by Louis’ reaction to his own secret.

Louis sniffled and wiped his tears away as he looked up to the sky. He watched as two ravens flew across his vision. His eyes tracked them for as far as he could, before looking down from the sky and to the twins.

He stood up straight as if to make a point.

“They can call me deviant, perverse, but it changes nothing inside me.”

He felt good saying it. Maybe he needed to tell people who understood. It seemed as though Harry definitely understood, but would Edward?

Edward’s lip twitched, while Harry smirked, as if he knew exactly what Louis meant by saying that.

“Then he’s the coward, not you. Better a blow of honesty than a lifetime of pretending.”

Edward nodded his head in agreement. He didn’t have much else to say, other than: “They can spend a lifetime curing what they refer to as a disease, but they will never understand what it is like to truly love and be loved, regardless of the attraction.”

Harry stood up from the fountain and stepped in front of Louis to place a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“What my brother means is, think nothing of it. Just continue to bide your time, sweetheart.”

Louis slowly nodded his head at the advice and left it at that. He felt better knowing that in some capacity, the twins understood what had happened, understood him, and he found himself grateful for having met them. He was deeply afraid of being alone in this asylum, especially since he’s of sound mind, and it was obvious to him that the twins are too. He still didn’t know how they ended up here, but since Louis opened up a bit, maybe they would too?

Louis smiled up at Harry, then made it a point to flash his smile towards Edward as his silent way of thanking them for the support. Harry nodded his head once in response, and Edward remained still. The differences between the twins was uncanny.

It was quiet after that, the leaves rustled from the breeze, and the sound of feet against gravel could be heard getting closer and closer, birds chirping off in the distance. Louis turned around just as Dr. Horan came into view, wearing a neatly pressed dress shirt, a pair of slacks, and his lab coat with his name embroidered on it. The gravel crunched underneath his dress shoes.

“I was told you’d be outside, yet here I find you in the garden, which, of course, remains prohibited.”

Edward slowly stood up from the fountain as if he was ready to intervene, but his younger twin beat him to it, causing him to huff out a breath of air through his nose.

“Garden or no garden, Doctor, we manage to find our amusements.” Harry responds with smug eyes and a smirk twitching at his lips.

Edward sighed. “What do you need, Horan?” He mumbled.

“A word.” He said almost immediately, eyes darting to Louis for a split second, then back to the twins. “In private, if you will.”

Louis had been pretending not to listen, instead having focused his attention on the dead rose bushes nearby. It wasn’t until the three fell silent that he slowly looked at them, and caught on that he wasn’t welcome for whatever this conversation entailed.

“Oh! Um-” He smiled apologetically. “My apologies. I’ll just- I will see myself out.”

He eyed the twins one last time before swiftly brushing past Dr. Horan, his head held down in shame as he walked the gravel path back to the building. He couldn’t hear them, even when he lingered, but he didn’t take his chances, even if it stung a little. He couldn’t even begin to understand why he was so upset for being sent away, because it was because he thought he had an in with them. They seemed like they knew things, knew how this place worked, and they were the exact kind of people he wanted in his corner during his stay.

But in all honesty, should he really trust them?

Chapter Text

Louis had a panic attack on his way back to his room. It started when he was in the reception hall and happened to see Dr. Clark behind the desk speaking to Dr. Malik about Louis’ treatments.

You will see Louis tomorrow. Question him regarding the treatment and record if there is any change in his condition.

It wasn’t subtle at all, but he also happened to be walking close to the desk, so he was bound to hear it. However, it was a miracle they hadn’t seen Louis to begin with.

His hands were getting clammy, his eyes wandered in a panic, and his chest was rapidly rising and falling. Because he was supposed to see Dr. Malik weekly on Mondays and yet they were talking like his appointment was tomorrow. He didn’t like the way Dr. Malik had spoken to him, so cold and uncaring. Even though it was only an intake meeting, he still felt like he was being picked apart and judged for the reason behind his admission.

Not only that, but he really hated the way the days seemed to blur here. He found himself constantly questioning what day it was, what time it was, and just when he thought it was late morning, it would turn out to actually be midday. He would fall asleep for hours and not even know what time of the day it was when he woke up. Was that the goal? To keep patients so dull and numb that time passed them by so easily? It was unnerving.

So unsettling that Louis had not been paying attention to what was in front of him, so he bumped into another patient. He let out an oof, and looked up at the figure in front of him, who was much taller and broader than him.

The man was fuming and already reaching to grab Louis’ bicep as he screamed and yelled in his face.

“Watch where you’re walkin, kid!” He shouted as he squeezed his hand around Louis’ bicep as if to teach him a lesson.

And of course, because of the fragile state of Louis’ mental health, his first instinct was to burst into tears and try to get out of his grip, but his hand was so tight around his bicep that it was squeezing him. Nails were digging into the skin which caused Louis to let out a high pitched whimper.

“Oh, you’re cryin’ now!?” He shouted, his voice meaner, almost taunting. “What a sissy!” He darkly chuckled, causing Louis to further squirm. Adrenaline kicked in when the desperation to escape grew, but he was so much weaker, and the more he tried to pull his arm away, the man had ended up pushing him into the wall. Louis gasped out loud at the pain.

“What is the meaning of this!?” An orderly came yelling, but Louis felt like he was suffocating, unable to breathe properly as a couple of staff members grabbed onto the man to pull him off. He heard a loud thud in front of him, but he couldn’t see because the environment in front of him was painted in black and white twinkling stars.

“This is Mr. Tomlinson, he belongs in Ward D, room one. He needs a wristband.” He heard as his eyes fell closed, and it was the last thing he would hear as he was dragged back to his room.

***

Waking up in the middle of the night felt like being dragged back into a nightmare he hadn’t chosen. The darkness was what scared him the most, which was surprising given the fact that some of the other patients could be heard weeping or whimpering. But not being able to see inside of his room made him crawl under the blanket and stay under.

As usual, he woke up disoriented, head hazy as he tried to search through his brain to figure out what had happened prior. Then the memory seeped in, the angry patient grabbing him and throwing him at the hall. The orderlies must’ve given him something to calm him down because he was a panicked mess, bawling his eyes out, his body was shaking so violently.

But now he woke up feeling calm, tranquil. Something felt different than what he was used to but it didn’t matter because his mind wasn’t racing and his chest wasn’t tight. He was simply just… being. And part of him would have loved to have shut his eyes and drift back into a deep slumber, but the neighbor across from was weeping loudly tonight, so Louis didn’t bother trying. He would be up for quite a while now.

After lying on his back staring up at the bland ceiling, he slowly stood up, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness as a yawn escaped his lips. His head was pounding but he ignored it because he’d gotten used to it. His back was sore from when it hit the wall, and Louis winced at the sharp pain when he tried to stretch. He placed a hand along his spine and started to rub, but it didn’t help much, and neither would the orderlies, so he kept quiet about it.

Louis padded across his room to the door, where a dim light poured in through the window acting as a nightlight. He tried to open it to no avail. He sighed; he had hoped that maybe someone accidentally forgot to lock it, but he’d never get that kind of luck. Especially not in a place like this.

When he heard movement from outside the hall, he ducked down, letting his eyes just barely peek out the window out of pure curiosity. It was who came into view that shocked him.

The twins.

They were dressed in all black, their movements were slow and quiet, and they didn’t speak a single word. It looked to Louis that they were trying to escape. He hoped he was wrong, because it would’ve hurt if they were leaving without him, letting him rot in here by himself and suffer alone. It was odd that they were taking the obvious route, which was straight through the wards. In a place like this, there ought to be hidden hallways and back doors. Maybe this was the best they could come up with.

However, if they really were to escape, Louis would want to go with them. He didn’t belong here either, and if they had a plan, he wanted in.

But he wasn’t in. He wasn’t thought of, and he wouldn’t be leaving with them tonight, even after they told him to stick around them. It felt like his heart was ripped to shreds and he didn’t even know if it was valid for him to feel left out, but he felt it.

“Harry? Edward?” He found himself calling to them through the closed  window as they passed, causing the both of them to instantly stop and look his way.

Edward stood up straight like he was just caught, his eyes narrowing as he looked at Louis in almost a warning for having caught them. Meanwhile, Harry clicked his tongue when he saw whose faint voice it was, and combed a hand through his curls as a frustrated sigh escaped his lips.

Edward stepped up to the door and lifted up the window just slightly, enough for them to converse.

“Louis.” He softly spoke, his voice just barely above a whisper, tone neutral.

Louis didn’t respond. He didn’t know how to, nor could he even organize his thoughts on the matter.

“You ought to be asleep, not watching shadows.”

Louis frowned. “Why are the two of you out past curfew? It looks as though you’re both trying to escape.”

“The matter does not involve you, Louis.” Edward whispered.

Louis crossed his arms with a hurt expression on his face. “Well, to be frank, it does. You see, I thought we had a mutual respect for one another, I believed I was invited to remain in your company because you said, and I quote, ‘Stay close and nothing will touch you.’ You said that, Harry, so what has changed?”

Maybe that was what hurt the most. They made a silent promise to protect him, to look out for him. But they can’t do that when they’re trying to escape. It gave him a false sense of hope, any ounce of security he once had vanished, and now he wasn’t sure if he could even trust them.

The twins exchanged a glance between each other, as though they were communicating telepathically, causing Louis to narrow his eyes out of suspicion. 

Harry instantly stepped up. “Truth be told, darling, yes, we are on our way out to escape. However, we’ve made a vow to return for you.”

Louis’ mouth parted, but nothing came out. He had no idea what to say. To say he was hurt was an understatement, because the three of them knew they didn’t belong here. They didn’t have to outright say it to each other for them to have that mutual understanding.

“So, you were going to leave me?” He finally spoke quietly, his voice broken, hurt. “Why? You gave me your word that I should be protected, yet here you are skulking off to leave me behind.”

“You must understand, Louis.” Edward firmly murmured, and made sure to hold Louis’ gaze. “This was decided well before we knew you. We had to see it through. We may not have another chance.”

But it didn’t matter, did it? They could have brought him along. What was the point of them telling Louis he could stick around them, if they were just going to try to escape days later? It felt like a slap in the face.

“Save your breath.” Louis muttered as he slowly backed away from the door.

“Louis!” Harry whispered urgently, causing Edward to shush him. But he wouldn’t budge and started to rattle the door handle even though he knew damn well it was locked.

“Sweetheart, come back, please.” He pleased, looking at Louis with desperate eyes.

Louis just shook his head in response and climbed back into bed as tears gathered in his eyes. He couldn’t even fathom how incredibly hurt and betrayed he felt, just as he did by Liam.

He turned so he was facing the wall and pulled the blanket up just above his shoulders, enough to hide him away. He could hear whispering between the twins just outside the door, the shut and click of the window closing, and footsteps growing fainter until it faded into complete silence.

Apart from Louis’ sobs.

***

Louis was woken up at approximately eight the next morning for his dose. Miss Cahill happened to notice that Louis had been skipping meals lately, so she made it a point that he still had thirty minutes left for breakfast, and even went as far as walking him down, even though he really didn’t want to.

“No, you really don’t-“

“Nonsense. It is imperative that you eat, Louis. We don’t want you going skin and bones.”

Louis sighed but he didn’t protest. He walked the halls.

He found it incredibly difficult to have an appetite when he was constantly sick to his stomach. Not only because the atmosphere of the asylum was unsettling, but because of what had happened with the twins last night.

Did he even have a right to be upset? He’s barely known them for all of, how many days? A couple? He couldn’t tell, time seemed to pass weirdly here. Minutes blurred into hours, hours blurred into days, and the days felt like they were passing him by.

But enough of that. His mind was wandering enough. He just couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that they had promised to protect him, and yet, there they were trying to leave without him.

Maybe they weren’t to be trusted after all.

“Did you sleep well?” Miss Cahill broke the silence.

Louis shook his head. “No. Not really.”

She frowned. “Would it help if you were given something at night?’

He shook his head again.

Miss Cahill remained silent after that. She could tell Louis didn’t want to talk, whether he was too tired or didn’t want to open up, sometimes it helped to just have someone in your corner. So she walked him down to breakfast and hoped it was enough.

But before they entered, Miss Cahill paused and motioned for Louis to stop as well. She looked at him with a soft expression but a maternal glint in her brown eyes.

“You must find your wings, Louis, before another tells you how to use them.”

And then she entered without another word to him, but her comment branded his brain, and it was all he could think about. Just repeating in his head like a bible verse. What had prompted her to say that? Was that her way of showing him she cared? And most importantly, what did she mean by that?

The mess hall was always a little quieter in the mornings. It felt like the other patients weren’t happy to be up this early, Louis included, even though he was used to getting up early at home. He liked being able to sleep in. But he’d always see at least a couple patients get sent out for growing agitated.

His eyes wandered. By this time, it wasn’t as busy, as most were finishing up. He saw one patient with his forehead on the table fast asleep, and it was surprising that none of the orderlies had come to yell at him.

Or maybe they just didn't care.

Miss Cahill bid him goodbye when Louis had gotten in line to pick up a tray. Watery porridge with syrup on the side and a banana. Louis opted for orange juice today, and once the cup was poured, he made his way to an empty end of a table and sat down on the bench.

He tried his damned hardest not to look across the room at the twins’ usual spot. Usually the last table at the far left corner. He took a bite of the oatmeal, grimaced, and decided that no amount of syrup could save it. So he focused on eating the banana.

But his eyes eventually wandered. He was afraid of what he’d see: empty seats. No twins. Alone again.

His breath hitched when it turned out to be the latter.

There, they sat across from each other, picking at the oatmeal on their trays. Harry leaned forward like he was deeply focused on their conversation. He was using his hands, something Louis noticed he always did when he spoke, which was a stark contrast in comparison to his twin, because Edward sat as still as a statue, gaze never wavering from Harry. Louis could tell he was mumbling, probably whispering, because his voice was always much quieter than Harry’s.

They didn’t seem to notice him looking. Louis’ heart faltered at the sight of them, causing him to look down at his uneaten tray, because it was obvious that their attempt had failed, or they decided to stay for Louis.

Louis was selfishly happy that they were still here. He truly didn’t know what he would’ve done without them.

“Excuse me,” Louis winced at the sudden voice that had broken him from his thoughts, causing him to clutch his chest as his heart raced.

He looked up to find a patient staring down at him. His head had patches of hair, eyes the size of the moon piercing down at him with a twitching mouth. The gaze was unsettling, causing Louis to anxiously gulp.

“Um, hi?” Louis responded.

“Are you going to finish your oatmeal?” The man asked, causing Louis to look down at his uneaten oatmeal and empty banana peel, before looking back up at the patient.

He shook his head. “Uh- No.”

The patient grinned a little too widely. “Great! I shall have it!” He reached his hand down to grab the bowl, causing Louis to instantly (and without thinking) slap his wrist.

They both looked at each other with wide eyes. Louis couldn’t believe what he’d just done, and the patient looked at him like he was the devil.

“That is MY bowl now!” He shouted, causing Louis’ mouth to gape. He was struggling to speak, and it looked like the patient was about to hit him because he raised his arm up, but as soon as he did, his wrist was grabbed by an orderly.

“Maurice!” she snapped. “How many times have we told you? You cannot go pilfering another patient’s tray!”

The perpetrator, Maurice, began to cry, causing the orderly to sigh and drag him out of the mess hall. Louis sat there with his mouth still agape, unable to even process the interaction. All he could really do was abruptly stand up from the bench and make his way out of the mess hall.

Because once again, he had lost his appetite.

***

His dose kicked in at the right time because Louis had fallen back asleep for the rest of the morning, and it wasn’t until after his scheduled lunch that he’d woken up. He sat in bed for a second, rubbed his eyes, felt his stomach growl, and honestly wanted to cry right then and there.

And he did. Just for a minute or two. He finally let it out, let the tears stream down his cheeks like a flowing river, because the twins were right. Being alone in a place like this felt like living a nightmare. They seemed like the only ones who weren’t mentally ill, the only ones he could carry a relatively normal conversation with, and now that he was avoiding them, he felt worse off than he did when he first arrived.

And then he cried for the life he once had, he missed his sisters, his mother. He missed playing outside with the girls and walking them to school. He missed cooking, missed writing poems and lyrics. But most of all, he missed Liam. His best friend since grade school.

Once Louis calmed down from his brief breakdown, he sniffled, rubbing the tears away with the hem of his gown to dry his puffy eyes and flushed cheeks, just as a bell sounded through the hall.

“Ward D! Bath time, now! You’ve one hour to get it done!” A male voice yelled throughout the hall, continued to ring the bell, and then shouted it out again.

Louis was due for a shower. His hair was greasy, his body felt gross, and it could probably help to wash his thoughts away.

So he cautiously made his way out of his room and started his journey to the washroom. Only another patient followed behind him, but he was slower, quieter.

As he cautiously walked down the lavatory hall, naked men with towels around the waist walked in and out of the shower room and the bathroom, steam curdling at the ceiling and clinging to different areas. Voices echoed against the tiled pistachio-green walls, seemingly bouncing off of every surface.

The bathroom was lined with industrial steel basins, barred windows fogged with grime, and a floor that never dried fully, always damp like the place itself was sweating. The showers ran on timers, cut off automatically, and the knobs had to be turned with force, as if the place was built to discourage comfort.

Louis grimaced at the sight, was handed one towel and one wash cloth by a male orderly, and a brown brick of soap that smelled of lye and something close to pine.

”Um, no shampoo?” Louis spoke under his breath, even though part of him might already know the answer.

The orderly scoffed. “This is not a resort, Mr. Tomlinson.”

Louis sighed and dropped his gaze to the musty floors as he made his way to the changing rooms. He discarded his gown and his socks, and once he was completely undressed, he made his way into the communal shower room, which was already busy with patients scrubbing their bodies and washing their hair.

There was no privacy, of course there wasn’t. So Louis walked across the room, made his way over to the last shower head in the corner. Drains were gurgling water obnoxiously, he could hear the pipes rattling whenever someone turned the knob to get the water to start pouring out. It was loud for no reason, the grime stains in the tile cracks were disgusting, and it made Louis want to run for the hills.

But he needed to shower. He desperately needed to wash up.

So he set his towel down on the ledge and turned the knob. It wouldn’t budge, so he tried again. And again, until finally, he got it. The water spit out of the head, lukewarm hitting his skin roughly, causing him to exclaim, ‘goodness!’ under his breath.

The lukewarm water was slowly getting colder, so Louis hurried to work the soap into his washcloth to get it sudsy. Once he somewhat succeeded, he started to drag the cloth along his arms, his chest, his stomach, and then his legs. He could feel his eyes wanting to wander out of sheer curiosity for a certain pair of twins, just wanting to see familiar faces so he didn’t feel so alone.

But they weren’t here. Just a bunch of nameless patients who looked just as dead in the eyes as Louis.

“What’s the matter, kid? Never seen the goods before?” The guy beside him spoke up suddenly, causing Louis to jolt. “Or do you like what you see?”

Louis’ cheeks instantly went hot, and his mouth parted as he stuttered. The anxiety was creeping into his chest as he stared up at the man’s face, refusing to look anywhere else with the fear that he’d get further teased.

And that was when the man inched closer into his space with a little smirk on his lips, like he was up to something that Louis knew he wouldn’t like. Louis had backed up the closer he got, until his back hit the wall, and he was cornered by the man who was looking down at him with a gaze that almost seemed predatory, and proceeded to whisper a little too closely to Louis’ ear.

“I noticed the way you were staring.”

TW: LIGHT DEPICTION OF SEXUAL ASSAULT. SKIP TO “Step back. Now.”

Louis almost whimpered and reached for his towel without meeting anyone’s eyes. He hadn’t even had the chance to wash up, but something in his body said leave. But the man wasn’t letting him leave, he was reaching his hands out, cornering him, feeling him up in ways Louis’ body was rejecting. The towel had fallen from his trembling hands and hit the wet floor.

But his voice was silent. It was as if he’d lost it. All he could feel was shame and disgust for himself. And it continued even when the water stopped, but the man paused to turn it back on. Somehow, it felt hotter against Louis’ skin.

Louis shut his eyes tightly and prepared for the worst. It was bound to happen eventually, the fear had been lingering in the back of his head for days, but never once did he speak the thought into existence.

“Step back. Now.”

A familiar voice intercepted, low, almost a growl. Louis’ eyes immediately opened to see Harry stepping in between them, his bare and toned back facing Louis so he could square up to the perpetrator.

Harry’s gaze never left the man’s. His eyes narrowed, head cocked to the side.

“Touch him again and I’ll open your skull on this tile.”

The man raised a brow like he wasn’t fully convinced, looked Harry’s naked body up and down as if he was sizing him up.

“Yeah right, pipsqueak. Walk away, this is between me and that fairy boy. You saw nothin.”

Harry’s eye twitched. And then everything happened so fast that Louis hadn’t even remembered how he got out of the showers and back into the changing room. His vision blurred, and the last thing he remembered was watching Harry push the man and start to beat him mercilessly.

Blood stained the tile, was washed away by the water that was still falling from the shower head. Other patients stopped to watch, but Louis froze in place, heart hammering, mind leaving his body as orderlies rushed in to intervene.

“Come, Mr. Tomlinson, your shower is finished.” One of them pulled Louis out, while the others worked to contain Harry and the perpetrator. Louis didn’t even realize he’d passed Edward, who was watching the entire interaction with numbed eyes.

But it wasn’t until Louis was dressed in a new gown and a pair of briefs that he was brought back down to earth, watching as Harry was dragged out of the bathroom, forced into a gown and somehow still fighting, still yelling.

It wasn’t my fault!
I was trying to protect him!
He was inappropriately touching Louis!
I was simply trying to help!

“We have a ZERO tolerance policy for violence, Mr. Styles!” The orderly shouted.

Meanwhile, the perpetrator was shouting obscenities and threats at both Harry and Louis. His loud voice was bouncing off the walls as they dragged him past Louis, and he tried to get out of their grip the moment he saw Louis again.

“I didn’t do nothin! He liked it!” The man growled and glared at Louis like he was the problem this whole time. It made his breath hitch and cower in fear.

When the lavatory cleared out, Edward walked back into the changing rooms moments later, and his eyes found Louis,’ just staring blankly at him. Edward’s face was expressionless as well, but Louis could tell he was trying hard to contain his emotions, unwilling to give them up to someone he barely knew.

“My brother has never acted out like that for anyone other than me.” He spoke, his voice soft against the tiled floors and walls. Louis could barely even hear him, forcing him to step forward.

Louis roughly wiped away the tears in his eyes, and sniffled before looking away.

“I’m sorry.” That was all he could really say even though it wasn’t his fault.

Edward just stared at him with his hands behind his back, clasping them tightly. So tightly his hands were beginning to feel sore.

Neither of them knew what to say after that, they just stayed like that in the changing room for a good minute, until Edward briskly walked off, seemingly skipping his shower and leaving Louis alone again, drowning in his shame. 

Chapter Text

With trembling hands and teeth digging into the flesh of his pale pink, thin bottom lip, Louis grabbed a red checker because red was his favorite color, so he always opted for it, and moved it into a square, then proceeded to grab a black checker he had captured from the move.

The day room was much quieter than any other day; the patients seemed less drowsier and less lively than normal. The record player was spinning a jazzy tune as patients sat at the table painting with watercolor paint, which was the featured activity for the day. One patient painted the entire paper black, while another painted a very detailed painting of a cat. It felt peaceful for once, but once his morning dose faded, no amount of peace and quiet could help the screams in Louis’ head.

He felt numb even without the dose, even when the effects faded and he returned to normal. After what had happened in the showers yesterday, all Louis could do was curl up in his bed and sob. He hated himself for getting into a situation like that, hated that Harry was taken away for trying to defend him.

Because of it, he wouldn’t even leave his room, not even for dinner. He took his doses like a good patient because it helped ease his anxiety, but not enough to clear his mind anymore.

He sat back in his chair with a sigh, staring down at the unfinished game of checkers down on the table in front of him. His face was paler than it usually was, blue eyes drained and are now gray with dark circles under them. His hair laid a mess over his forehead; he didn’t even have the energy to make himself look presentable.

“Mr. Tomlinson, would you like to try painting?” The activities director had asked, causing Louis to slowly look up from his game of checkers and over to the table. He sighed, he didn’t want to, but maybe it would help. Playing checkers by himself was starting to look pathetic, so he stood up and made his way over to the table.

He spent the next thirty minutes gliding the watercolor over a piece of paper. He painted three silhouettes of birds flying amidst a sunset. He wasn't much of an artist, but he was better than the other patients. One of them even started to complain about how he was too good and that he needed to leave, but the activities director was able to talk him down before it could escalate.

The complaint from the patient just deflated him all over again. He didn’t have the energy anymore. Any other day he would’ve cared what people had to say, he would’ve broken down, probably cried. But really, all he could worry about was Harry in solitary, and he couldn’t stop his mind from repeating things like, ‘Is it my fault?’ or ‘Why me?’ It sounded pathetic, but he couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t stop picturing the incident in his mind. The way his rough, calloused hands ran along wet skin, the way his touch lingered a little too long in areas that made Louis hate himself.

And once again, Louis hadn’t realized he’d broken into tears until the soft voice of the activities director filled his ears, causing him to abruptly stand up and rush out. He hurried back to his ward while wiping tears away, before bumping into Miss Cahill. Both of them uttered something of an oof, although Miss Cahill came out with a surprised, oh!

“Louis, is everything all right with you?” She asked as she looked at him, noting his tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes.

Louis sniffled and looked up at her. “Is Harry decent?”

Miss Cahill instantly softened. “I am not permitted to share patient information with you, Louis.” She answered, her voice having lowered.

Louis was desperate. “Miss Cahill, please. You must be able to tell me something, anything.” He whispered, looking at her with pleading eyes.

Miss Cahill sighed. “The only information I have is that he is in solitary. I apologize, that is all I know.” She started to walk away but then paused, turning back around to look at Louis. She hesitated.

Then said, “You mustn't ask questions. It’s not safe for you to do so.” And that was the end of it.

Louis sighed, buried his hands in his hair and slightly tugged out of frustration as he entered his room. He sat down on the edge of the bed with tears stinging in his eyes, the guilt ever-so-present, especially because he had no status update on Harry, nor Edward, and he hated that all he wanted was them.

He wanted their conversation, their company, their protection. He felt as though he were to blame for Harry being sent to solitary, for breaking apart the twins. He couldn’t even imagine how Edward must be feeling, if he was even feeling anything at all.

All Louis wanted was them or another dose to stop the thoughts and send him to sleep. But he wouldn’t get another until bed, so he was stuck drowning.

Louis looked up at just the right time, because in that moment, he saw Edward in the hallway. He looked like he was pacing, and sure enough, he was. Louis slowly stood up, let go of his hair as he slowly padded across his room to stand in the doorway. There Edward was, walking back and forth down the hall at a fast pace, something he never did. He was a man of few words and even fewer movements. Louis had noticed it in comparison to Harry, so seeing him like this? Silently crumbling and moving like he didn’t know what else to do? It almost broke Louis’ heart.

“Edward.” Louis called out to him as he passed, but he didn’t listen. Didn’t even look up. He seemed deep in thought, his pace quickened, even when other patients passed him in the hall, so Louis tried again.

“Edward.” Louder this time, to no avail.

He raised his voice even more, practically shouting, “Edward!”

Edward stopped right in front of Louis’ door. He looked at him with an unreadable expression, and Louis wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be relieved that Edward snapped out of it, or uncomfortable that he’s staring at him with… such darkness behind his eyes. It looked like a storm was brewing in them and ready to unleash.

“Ed, I-” Louis paused, he couldn’t even form the words. “I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say.”

Edward blinked at him, but he finally turned his body to fully face him.

“Have you heard anything? Anything at all?”

Edward slowly shook his head. “No. Not a single person can provide me with an answer. I find it bitterly ironic that he risked himself to save you, and yet both he and the culprit are punished with solitary.” His voice was short, clearly frustrated, yet still dignified.

Louis looked down. “Yeah, I attempted to ask Miss Cahill and received nothing. I’m truly sorry.”

Again, Edward shook his head, this time, in disagreement. “The fault does not lie with you, Louis. It lies with the man who believed he could touch you without your consent.” He spoke with resentment in his tone.

Then, “It might help for you to understand that I do not fare well without him. I was always the one to tend to him, to keep him safe. So when he turns around and does the same for me, or for anyone, it unsettles me. It is not his place to shield me, it never was.”

Louis’ eyes instantly softened as he stared up at Edward, noting the hint of vulnerability in his eyes. Of course, it made sense. Edward was the protector. It was endearing to hear the lengths he’d go for his little brother; it reminded Louis of how he was with his sisters. But most of all, he was glad that Edward felt comfortable enough to even share that with him.

Edward stepped forward, closer this time, and looked down at Louis as he placed a hand on his shoulder.

“Please, Lou. There is no shame nor guilt to be felt from this predicament. You are not at fault, you will never be at fault. And my despair is not from you. Do you understand?” Edward’s voice remained firm and steady, eyes gazing deeply into Louis.’

Louis couldn’t even look away. Edward’s eyes reminded him of sea glass he’d found on the beach a few years back; a dark green, sure, but there was something fragile in the beauty of them.

Louis sniffled and reached his hand up to wipe the tears away before they could fall, and finally after a few seconds of silence and just staring into Edward’s irises, he slightly nodded his head. He needed to hear it, he needed that reassurance, and having it come from Edward meant a lot to him.

Edward squeezed his shoulder reassuringly, before dropping his hand to his side.

“I should see you at dinner this evening, yes?”

Louis nodded his head and watched as Edward gave his own small nod before returning to his and Harry’s shared room.

The entire time Edward had spoken about Harry earlier, Louis couldn’t help but to notice the fracture of Edward’s entire being from the absence of his twin. His voice trembled but with a hidden devotion to the bond they shared. That same desperation tugged at Louis’ ribs like a dangerous little thrill whispering that he would give anything to be needed like that. The mere thought of stepping into a closeness like that with the twins made his pulse quicken.

And he couldn’t decide if that was a good or bad thing.

***

Just an hour after speaking with Edward, an orderly came to collect Louis. He led him through the lavatory hall, but instead of entering the changing rooms, toilet room, or shower room, he guided him through a new door: the bath rooms.

Same pale green tile as the others in the lavatory, damp and grimy no matter how many times it was cleaned. Iron bath tubs lined the room like lingering shadows, which smelled faintly of sour chemicals, but really, it was just bleach. The air was humid despite the water in the baths chilled with ice, apart from the one man who was soaking in a warm bath, and rightfully napping like he was at a resort.

A few were occupied at this time, one was talking to himself under his breath, another let out an inhumane groan. A boy around Louis’ age had tears silently dripping from his chin. Louis reluctantly followed the orderly over to a free tub as he cautiously looked around, trying not to stare too long at the other patients. He then peered down into the freshly prepped tub for him, filled with water and ice that clinked faintly against the iron. There was no softness nor warmth here, and the sight made Louis shiver.

He then furrowed his eyebrows at the sight of the ice, before looking up at the orderly.

“What is this for?” He asked with a nervous voice.

The orderly spoke with mechanical certainty. “Doctor’s orders. Said to quiet hysterical tempers. Undress yourself and into the bath, if you please.”

Louis frowned deeply as he stared at the ice that was softly rocking in the water and clacking. He hated being cold, the other patients looked incredibly uncomfortable, and he couldn’t possibly understand how this was supposed to calm him.

“I-” He paused, hesitating, but found his footing. “Feels more like it’ll give me a proper case of it.” He said with a little more attitude than intended, but he didn’t regret it. He was learning to stand up for himself, even if it was difficult at times.

The orderly rolled his eyes, seemingly not in the mood to deal with him. “You’ll take it all the same. Doctor’s word is final. Now undress and get in. Now.”

Louis huffed but looked away, silently admitting defeat as he reached around back to untie his gown. He slid the sleeves off his arms and let the gown drop to the floor, pooling around his ankles.

He walked up to the tub and dipped his finger in. He was greeted by ice cold water, causing him to hiss. But he didn’t want to get in trouble for insubordination, so he forced himself to step up into the tub, and very slowly lower himself in.

As the water enveloped him, his teeth started chattering and goosebumps rose across his skin. His chest heaved at the temperature, it was overwhelming, and he shuddered with rapid breaths escaping his parted lips. His hands gripped the rim of the tub like his life depended on it, and maybe it did, because he felt like he was swimming in the pond by his house that froze over during the harsh winters. Every tremor made Louis seem smaller as he was swallowed by the cold.

And the next thing he knew, after he sat down, a thin sheet was being draped over his body for privacy, but straps were spread across Louis’ chest and arms to restrain him and to keep him from trying to get out. Louis’ eyes widened in a panic.

“May I come out now?” He asked his desperation, his voice shaky from the constant shivering.

The orderly shook his head. “In half an hour.”

Louis cried out as the orderly walked away to go sit down. He was violently shivering, hands resting in his thighs. He could barely move with the restraints and the sheet over him, which made it even harder. He laid his head back as he let out a shaky breath, before tears gathered in his eyes.

The man in the bath next to him had been watching. There was something that resembled pity in his eyes as Louis struggled, constantly trying to shift and move, as if it would help. But it didn’t. Every time he felt ice shift against his skin, it felt like a painful reminder for how he ended up here: it was obvious that this was a result of the incident in the shower room.

He had been a bit emotional since it happened; panicked, shaky, definitely very tearful. But he didn’t understand how exactly sitting in below freezing temperatures (maybe that was an overexaggeration, but still) was supposed to help calm down the emotions he was feeling. Why couldn’t he sit in a hot bath like the man across from him? It was unfair.

“It helps to think of someplace warm. I picture a fire. I find that if you can see it in your mind, then time moves faster.” He said.

Louis turned his head in the direction of the voice causing him to let out a shaky breath in response. He may as well give it a shot, he’s desperate for anything to not think about it, anything to get him to stop violently shivering. So he laid his head back and fluttered his eyes closed with chattering teeth.

The first thing that came to mind was a bright sunny day just a year ago, particularly the pond down by his house. It was littered with lily-pads off on the other side, a beautiful contrast to the clouded green water. Cattails lined the edge in some areas, the water was shallow, yet somehow decently clean. Him and his sisters loved to swim in it when the sun was blazing and called for a cooldown, but on this specific day he was thinking of, it was with Liam.

He’d known Liam since grade school. The memory of their first time meeting was a little fuzzy, but Louis knew they’d been inseperable. The sun was shining upon their faces, the temperature was hot, and the only thing that made sense was to cool off in the pond. He was so happy that day because Liam had just gotten back from serving in the Royal Air Force. Louis had kept every single letter Liam had written to him in a box underneath his bed. It had been six months since he’d seen his best friend’s smile, and they were acting up, having fun, and it was like Liam had never left.

They stripped down to their underwear and swam around the pond, splashed each other, laid on their towels in the grass as Liam told stories of his deployment. Louis could listen to him talk for hours as they baked under the sun. He felt warm, both inside and out, and he’d realized it was probably his favorite memory with Liam.

“Mr. Tomlinson, you may get out.” A voice cut through the memory, causing Louis to open his eyes and look at his surroundings. The patient next to him was gone, the restraints were off as well as the sheet that was over him, and once it finally settled in that he could get out, he didn't waste another minute.

A towel was immediately wrapped around him the moment he stepped out of the tub. He was shivering so badly that his body was shaking, his teeth were chattering, lips blue at the corners, goosebumps everpresent, yet all he wanted to do was curse at whoever signed off on this for treatment.

But honestly? He hated that it actually helped.

***

For dinner tonight was tomato soup with crackers. The soup was watery and acidic, completely bland, and the crackers had just started to go stale. Louis made his way over to the twins’ usual table, and took a seat across from Edward as he set his tray down. Edward had only eaten one cracker. He leaned forward with his elbow resting on the table to balance his cheek on his fist.

Louis was meant to be mad at him. He’d had this back and forth in his mind prior to coming to dinner that he was supposed to be avoiding the twins. Part of him was still hurt that they had tried to escape without him, but Harry sacrificing himself to help Louis kind of nulled the betrayal he felt.

And how could he be mad when Edward looked so lost without his other half?

“No appetite?” Louis inquired softly through the chatter of the hall.

Edward gave a slight shake of his head.

Louis sampled his soup, nearly choking it back. “Well, you’re spared the experience.” He let out a soft chuckle, and just barely he could see a twitch at Edward’s lips. It was small but it was something.

“It is our weakness, to be parted,” Edward reiterated, his voice so low that Louis had to bend nearer to catch the words.

“They recognized it soon enough, when we first arrived.”

“Oh.” Louis responded and looked down at his soup, because truly, he didn’t know how to respond. Edward never seemed like the type to open up like this. He seemed like he would store all of his thoughts and emotions inside the pandora’s box in his mind, and Louis wondered if that was why he had come to be the way he was.

“It is imperative that I check on him.” Edward continued. “I must inquire with Niall about sneaking up there.”

“And how do you plan to make that happen?”

Edward pursed his lips, and with a low murmur, “He remains indebted to me.”

Louis furrowed his brows, but then softened them quickly as he looked down to his untouched soup. He felt like the more he spoke to the twins, the more questions he was left with. How could a physician's assistant owe Edward? What is their history exactly?

But he didn’t ask. He kept his questions to himself. For now. Instead, when Edward combed a hand through his long curls, Louis reached a hand across the table to grab Edward’s other hand, that had been resting beside his tray.

Edward looked up at him with unexpected eyes.

“You’ll be alright, Edward. We’ll see it through.” His voice remained soft, supportive, as he ran his thumb along Edward’s rough and dry knuckles. He noticed that Edward, once tense and brittle, had softened just slightly at the touch. And maybe that was what he needed.

Maybe he needed someone other than Harry to be here for him.

***

That night, Louis couldn’t fall asleep again. His mind was clouded with thoughts of the twins, ranging from desperation for their attention, and guilt from what had happened. Even after Edward reassured him, sometimes the pressure from the guilt and the anxiety that came with it still consumed him. But then he’d try to push it down with different thoughts instead. Daydreams of better days. From spending time in the day room to feeling their hands all over his body. He missed the way their eyes would linger on him, the way Harry would subtly touch him on the shoulder.

Louis could feel the tension growing in his body, causing him to squirm beneath the blankets. His fingers curled into the material, but the moment he started to blush, he recoiled in shame.

He needed to stop these thoughts. He shouldn’t be thinking things like that. Not when Harry was punished in solitary and Edward was unraveling without him.

And from then on, the days blurred.

It was the same thing every day. Dose in the morning, breakfast he’d barely eat, too much time to think to himself, until the numbness kicked in. Lunch he wouldn’t touch, more time to think to himself, dinner he’d only have bites of, and back to his room well before curfew.

If he went to the day room, it was either to read or stare outside the window, watching as a storm brewed in the sky. He hardly engaged in daily group activities anymore. The thought of being social pained him. The rain ended up rattling the windows for three days straight, the sky remained gray and desolate, and the mornings started to feel colder the more Louis trudged on.

The nightmares grew. He couldn’t sleep at night. And when he did, he was placed back into that very moment. It was as if he could see and hear everything all over again; dripping water against tile, echoing bare footsteps, phantom hands running over his body. It felt like his own personal punishment. He had to ask for a dose before bedtime, which they gladly gave. It helped a bit.

By the fourth day without Harry, that was when Louis had started to notice that patients were whispering. He’d been oblivious to it the past few days, but rumours spread. And when rumours spread, Edward heard.

During a group exercise in the day room, one patient mistakenly brought it up the moment Edward walked in.

“Shame, isn’t it? The pretty one rots in solitary while the other sits playing the dutiful twin.”

A couple patients chuckled, but Louis’ mouth went agape, and in an instant he turned his head to look over to Edward, who was already stalking towards the table, over to the man who sat there smirking like he was the funniest guy on the planet.

Edward punched him clean in the jaw. He didn’t even have to say anything, the action had said enough to everyone in that room.

Louis loudly gasped, covered his mouth with a hand as he watched Edward with wide eyes. He stood there staring darkly at the man who was now whimpering at the pain in his mouth. It was enough to shut him up though, to put him in his place.

“Listen to me and listen well,” Edward spoke up as he glanced around the room to address everyone. “Say a word about my brother again, and you will find out exactly how dangerous quiet can be. You will have the same fate as this man here. Understood?”

He didn’t even wait for a response. He’d gotten away with it too because the orderly didn’t arrive until after he had left, and no one wanted to name who had punched the guy in fear of getting beat up.

And Louis didn’t see him for the rest of the day.

By the fifth day, the doses were helping, they’d upped them at some point, but Louis didn’t mind. He was starting to feel more at ease throughout the day and into the night.

He had begun to follow Edward around. They were both exhausted from the lack of sleep and loss of appetite but sat in each other’s presence. They’d sit in the day room and do nothing, or Louis would play a game by himself while Edward stared off at nothing in particular. Very rarely he’d watch. They’d eat together, they showered next to each other, they walked the halls together, all in silence.

Yet, Louis still felt safest when he was around Edward. And still longed for Harry. His nicknames, in particular. Lover boy. Sweetheart. Darling. Even though sometimes it felt disingenuous, he’d gotten used to them. Made him feel something that nothing else could give him.

That evening, they put on a movie for the patients, something they rarely did unless behavior was good that particular day, and finally, the men’s side earned it. They’d converted the mess hall into a cinema with lined chairs and a large projector screen showcasing the movie, something by Alfred Hitchcock. Even though Louis needed a distraction, he wasn’t paying much attention to it. All he could focus on was Edward next to him.

Edward looked like a shell of himself. He looked like a ghost roaming the earth, lost and unable to move on to a higher plane. He was bitter in the eyes yet looked empty regardless. He too, seemed like he wasn’t paying attention to the movie. It was obvious his mind was elsewhere, worrying. Wondering. Longing.

His curls, that once made him look like a prince, were now unruly, untamed, like he couldn’t be bothered without Harry here. He still tried to sit up tall, but his shoulders slightly sagged. His jaw seemed tighter from nights of grinding his teeth together, dark circles rounding his tired olive-green eyes. Edward looked less like the immaculate twin Louis first saw and more like a man unraveling thread by thread.

Louis looked away when he realized he’d been staring too long, and he anxiously gulped in hopes that Edward hadn’t noticed, but much to his dismay, he knew. He’d caught on that Louis stared a lot, that there was always something more behind his eyes, something like desire and longing, but he never said anything about it. He ignored it.

But tonight, Edward snuck a hand on Louis’ thigh, causing Louis’ heart rate to spike instantly at the weight of his hand through the fabric. He looked down as Edward rubbed ever-so-softly, causing his leg to tense just a bit, and he’d wondered where this was coming from, but wasn’t complaining either. He could feel the heat rising. He shouldn’t even like a simple touch this much, yet he couldn’t help but to want more. Slowly, Louis turned his gaze to Edward.

Edward wasn’t looking at him. His eyes stayed fixed on the movie and his posture lazy. But his lip twitched in the faintest amusement like he knew Louis was staring, and knew what he was doing.

Louis shifted in his seat just slightly and exhaled a shaky breath before reverting his gaze back to the movie. Edward’s hand never left his thigh as if he were pinning him to the chair. Louis missed the entire film because he was too busy daydreaming about what would’ve happened if Edward’s hand crept higher, shame curling in his stomach, but desire burning hotter.

Chapter Text

Louis sat in the reception hall early in the afternoon. He stared out the windows, watching as the fog loomed over the grounds. The leaves had begun to turn, trees already coated with reds, yellows, and oranges. The air grew colder, especially indoors, so Louis was dressed in a pair of hospital pants and an oversized jumper. They finally gave him a pair of slip-on shoes.

He barely remembered the weekend. He spent a majority of it in his room, drawing in chalk on the concrete walls in an attempt to make his room feel more personal. Edward had visited him approximately twice, and during those two visits, he just sat on the floor and watched Louis draw with chalk. At one point they started many games of tic-tac-toe. Louis lost all five times.

Louis flinched at the piercing scream that had come from the women’s side, causing him to turn his head towards the direction from which it came. He watched as an orderly strapped a girl as young as him to a wooden wheelchair. She was struggling against the restraints that were wrapped around her wrists and her ankles to keep her in place.

“Get a sedative in her, quick!” The orderly shouted as she stepped up to the elevator. The troubled girl spat out prophecies about fire and the devil, her eyes wide with a kind of terror that even made the orderlies flinch.

Louis’ teeth chattered at the sight, and he watched as the girl was injected with a needle by another orderly. The girl instantly fell limp just before they entered the elevator.

A shiver ran down Louis’ spine, causing him to wrap his arms tightly around himself as if to comfort his nerves. Just as he stood up to leave, because he’s seen enough for the day already, Miss Cahill came walking up to him with a gentle smile.

“You’re expected upstairs.” She softly said. “I’ll escort you.”

Louis sighed. “With who?”

“Dr. Malik.”

Louis grunted. He really didn’t want to go, but the appointments were mandatory, and he risked a punishment if he didn’t go, so he reluctantly followed Miss Cahill up the grand staircase to the second floor, leaving the eerie atmosphere of the asylum behind.

They took a sharp left and it was significantly quieter. But if you went to the right, you’d hear begs for help, screams, cries, from treatments. Or punishments.

They passed the many doors with plaques of names on them, as they did the last time Louis was up there. It smelled faintly of damp plaster and mildew as they walked through the beige yellow halls, which were chipping with paint. The silence of the second floor felt too unstartling, as though Louis had gotten used to hearing the cries and the screams of other patients. It was a strange feeling.

Miss Cahill stopped in front of the door with Dr. Zayn Malik’s plaque across, and promptly knocked before hearing a formal, Come in.

She opened the door and guided Louis inside with a professional smile.

“I have Mr. Tomlinson here to see you.”

“Ah, yes. Please, take a seat, Mr. Tomlinson. Thank you, Miss Cahill.”

Miss Cahill nodded, eyed Louis with a gentle gaze as if to reassure him, before walking out and closing the door behind her.

Dr. Malik’s office hadn’t changed since Louis last saw him. He was still in formalwear, still had glasses on, but he had some stubble this time (which made him look somewhat attractive, but Louis wasn’t going to go there).

He slowly made his way to one of the chairs across from the doctor’s desk, and cautiously sat down like there was a trap set up in it.

“Mr. Tomlinson. We last spoke a week ago, when I asked for updates on your condition, and if you felt whether or not the doses, as well as treatment was working. You said no to all my questions, which resulted in no change. Tell me now, how do you feel?”

Louis had blocked the meeting out of his memory. Mainly because the doses made the days blend together and he could never tell how much time has passed since he was admitted. He didn’t have a clue and he was scared to ask.

So he hesitated. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to lie to breeze through this meeting, or be honest about how miserable he’s felt. So, he ended up going with:

“Decent.”

Dr. Malik scribbled on his notepad. “How have you been sleeping this past week?”

Louis was at least honest this time. Because maybe then, they could give him something better that could help.

“I‘ve struggled to fall asleep and remain asleep throughout the night.”

“Do you find yourself restless?” He inquired.

Louis shrugged. “My mind wanders, sir.”

Dr. Malik nodded, continued writing, before looking back up. “Any changes in appetite, Mr. Tomlinson?”

Louis looked down and started to play with his fingers a bit in an attempt to soothe the tightness that was creeping in his chest.

“I suppose.”

“More or less?”

“Less.”

More pen to the paper. Louis looked behind him and watched as the rain lightly tapped against the window, watched as droplets streamed down the glass, then a flash of lightning, followed by thunder moments later.

“Have you found yourself more calm, or more agitated since our last meeting?”

Louis shrugged, but remained silent this time.

Dr. Malik nodded.

“Mr. Tomlinson, I’m aware of an event in which you were involved in.”

Louis immediately sighed, laid his head in his hands because of course this was going to be brought up. He originally wasn’t going to say anything, he didn’t want to. He was tired of reliving it.

But Dr. Malik was staring at him like he already knew, and eyes staring like he wasn’t going to get out of this, so Louis lifted his hands up with tears in his eyes, and finally spilled.

“I was taken advantage of in the showers. And I’ve been suffering since.”

Dr. Malik hummed, pen to the pad, writing without even having to look. “Now, do you believe it was something done to you, or something you invited?”

Louis’ body froze a moment at the question, eyes blinking back tears as he stared at the doctor across from him with disbelief.

“Are you insinuating it was my fault, sir?”

Dr. Malik didn’t so much as move a muscle. “I am simply asking for your perspective on the matter.”

“No, I did not invite this man to touch me.”

“And do you feel responsible for what happened?”

Louis wiped his tears away. “I-“ He sniffled. “I don’t know. I know I’m not at fault, but I feel guilty sometimes. But I believe it’s because Harry was punished for coming to my aid.”

Dr. Malik didn’t say anything. Just eyed Louis with an unidentifiable expression, before pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He continued.

“Do you still experience unnatural desires?”

Louis furrowed his eyebrows. “I- Yes?”

“Do you look upon women with interest, or do you find yourself unaffected?”

Louis stuttered at the sudden change in the questions. “Um- No, I- I don’t find women attractive. I still don’t. I won’t.” Louis can feel his hands getting clammy, and he looked down as they started to shake. The tightness in his chest was creeping back in like the storm outside, causing him to draw in a shaky breath.

“When you think of men, do you imagine physical affection or touch? And if so, have you attempted to resist these urges?”

Louis’ lip quivered, he tried to focus on anything else other than his heart pounding. He listened for the rain and the thunder, waiting for the register to kick on and hiss out heat, he could hear footsteps out in the hall and brief chatter as staff members walked past. The pressure to answer was getting to him. He didn’t want to be honest, he didn’t want repercussions, he didn’t want treatment, or punishment. He was terrified.

“I-“ Louis started, but couldn’t even finish. Dr. Malik already knew the answer. He could see it in his eyes even though he sat there waiting for a response.

He moved on anyway. 

“Who have you grown close to here?” He asked inquisitively.

Louis slowly blinked at him. “Why…?”

“Your associations are a window into your illness, Mr. Tomlinson.” And he didn’t elaborate any further, causing Louis to sink back into his seat.

He sighed. “Well, if you must know, I’ve met a pair of twins, Harry and Edward.”

Dr. Malik raised a brow. “Why do you spend time with them?”

Louis shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “I suppose I enjoy their company. They speak to me like a human being. I feel as though they’re the most sane of the bunch.”

Pen to paper, it was constant. Ink engraving, scribbling. The words were a window into Louis’ soul and he hated it. He tried to see what was being written, but he couldn’t read the tight cursive.

“Do you feel drawn to them because of their similarity to you? Would you say they tempt you at all?”

“I- What? Similarity?”

“Well, do you?”

“Um- I don’t know. I don’t believe we’re that similar. Are we…?”

Dr. Malik pressed his lips into a thin line. He briefly looked up from the pad of yellow legal paper to look over to Louis, who was constantly fidgeting with his fingers, and now tapping his feet against the hardwood flooring so he could focus on anything but this conversation.

“I am not in a position to state the answers for you, Mr. Tomlinson. Do the twins tempt you toward your illness? Yes or no?”

Louis’ head shot up upon hearing the question again. Dr. Malik was staring at him, knowingly, like he already knew the answer, once again. He hated it, hated the way he stared at him like he was judging him, waiting for him to say something, anything. The pressure was too much.

“Yes- I mean- No!” It was too late. It was already out there. Louis’ hands were hot and clammy, he was trembling, the pain in his chest was getting worse as the anxiety boiled over, but he did his best to take deep breaths to contain himself.

He wasn’t originally going to admit anything to Dr. Malik. He was going to keep his mouth shut, say the bare minimum, and go about his day in hopes that it was enough to keep the doctor at bay. But Dr. Malik cracked him. It was what he was good at. It was why he had this job.

“Almost finished.” Dr. Malik announced. He hadn’t even reacted to Louis’ outburst. Just wrote down his notes.

“Do you understand why shock is necessary, Mr. Tomlinson?”

Louis slowly shook his head.

“You say you feel no change yet, but, have you considered the possibility that more treatments may provide relief from your symptoms?”

Again, Louis shook his head. He already knew the answer. No amount of treatment could help him. He didn’t want to be helped, nor changed.

“You may call it desire, but I assure you that God calls it corruption. And corruption must be cut out, Mr. Tomlinson. Thank you, that is all for today.”

Louis’ mouth went agape. At first he didn’t stand up, he just watched as Dr. Malik closed his notes and sat back comfortably in his seat, taking a cigarette off an ashtray and lighting it up.

Just then, a prompt knock on the door, Dr. Malik had said, come in, and that familiar Irishman, Dr. Horan came in, all smiles, up until he saw Louis standing up.

“Oh, my sincere apologies for interrupting.” He nodded his head curtly as he looked at Dr. Malik.

“Nonsense, Niall. We’d just finished up. Did you require anything in particular?" Dr. Malik asked as he blew out cigarette smoke. Louis’ nose scrunched in disgust.

“It is a private matter. A new experimental treatment. We may discuss it at a later time today.”

Dr. Malik gave a small nod, eyes flicking to Louis. “Then would you mind escorting Mr. Tomlinson back? The orderlies are overrun, and I imagine he’ll fare better with you.”

Niall’s brow arched, though his tone stayed even. “Anything to make your days easier, Zayn. I imagine you have enough on your mind.”

Zayn's lip twitched, though he kept a straight expression. Louis raised his eyebrows but remained silent, having cautiously listened to the entire interaction like he was filing it away for later. He made his way out the door in almost an instant, with Niall following close behind him.

Louis’ chest felt heavy. He could feel tears trying to escape, but he held them back as hard as he could. He sucked in shaky breaths, he tried to focus on the sound of his footsteps on the floors or the ways the keys jiggled when a staff member unlocked a door they’d pass. It was eerily quiet but his thoughts were loud.

At first, neither of them talked. Niall was particularly young, he was just a few years older than Louis. Unlike the other staff members, despite the formality in his voice, his demeanor always felt calmer, less strict. And the way he walked so casually proved those observations.

It wasn’t until he led Louis into the elevator that he broke the silence. He held off on pressing the button for the first floor.

“Please don’t ask me about Harry. The only knowledge I’ve received is that he is suffering from the separation.”

Louis chewed on his bottom lip as Niall pressed the button for the first floor. The elevator grumbled, before starting to lower.

“He’s still in solitary, correct?” Louis asked as he looked up at the doctor. “Is he restrained? Is he eating? Sleeping?” He asked questions anyways, it was hard not to.

Niall sighed and looked down at Louis with sympathetic eyes. “I wish I knew.”

Louis left it at that. He knew he wasn’t going to get any more information out of him, so it wasn’t worth the trouble of asking.

The rest of their walk back to Louis’ room was silent. He was back to the sterile gloom of his ward. They passed the janitor mopping up what used to be urine. Louis could still smell it, could smell the disinfectant sharp in his nose, causing it to scrunch in disgust. Muttered prayers came from one room, then far-off screams could be heard from another ward. Anytime they passed an orderly, their whispered conversations would hush momentarily, before continuing once Louis was out of earshot. Their presence was heavy, but never comforting.

When Louis arrived at his room, the patient next to him, who lingered in his doorway, looked Louis up and down, before forcing eye contact and slowly blinking at him. Louis shuddered under his gaze.

“Away with you.” Niall sternly spoke at the patient, causing him to immediately back into his room.

Louis sighed and looked up at Niall with grateful eyes. “I’m tired of them staring at me like I’m the crazy one.”

Niall pursed his lips. It was obvious he didn’t know how to respond, so Louis waved him off.

“Thank you for walking me.”

Niall gave him a short nod, turned to walk away, but then he paused and looked back “He’ll be alright, you know. Harry’s tougher than most give him credit for.”

Louis let out a small sigh before responding, “I hope so.”

And then the moment Louis was left alone, he collapsed into his bed, lying on his stomach and burying his face into his pillow as a sob suddenly escaped. He didn’t know where the tears were coming from, maybe he’d been waiting for the right time to burst, but everything was boiling and now he couldn’t take it.

His body felt heavy, it felt like every word he spoke at that meeting had cost him.

‘Do the twins tempt you toward your illness? Yes or no?’

‘Yes- I mean- No!’

Even just admitting without going into detail was saying too much. Because now, Dr. Malik, Zayn, knew his weakness, and that was the twins. He knew no one could change him, he was already under that impression. He didn’t want to change, he didn’t want to feel shame or guilt or hatred for himself for liking the opposite sex, for even maybe liking the twins a little more than he should.

And the realization hit that maybe Zayn was only here to record and punish him. Maybe all the staff members were. They didn’t care to help anyone, they wanted control. That was why they medicate and sedate, right? So that it made patients more compliant? So that they were so numbed they didn’t have the will to do anything? It made everything easier.

Yet, Louis still took the doses he was given. It was the only thing that could somewhat help until it didn’t. And now, he would be expecting more pills after his meeting with Zayn.

“Louis.”

Louis lifted his head up from the tear-soaked pillow, looked towards the voice with puffy eyes and glistening cheekbones. He wiped some tears away in an instant when he saw Edward stepping inside, and sniffled as he sat up. Edward took a seat beside him.

“You’re shaking, Lou. Tell me, what's happened?” He asked, his quiet voice full of genuine concern. He stared at him with wide, cautious eyes.

Louis sobbed and looked away as more thick tears began to stream down his cheeks. His body wouldn’t stop shaking from both the fear and the fact that he was crying so hard. But he kept quiet not to draw attention to himself.

“Is it really wrong, Edward? Am I damned like he says? Or is it the only thing that feels true?” He finally turned his head to look at the twin through wet lashes, staring with desperate puffy eyes and flushed cheeks.

Edward frowned at the broken sight in front of him. Louis had been holding it together for so long, so it made sense for him to break after his weekly meeting with Dr. Malik. He gulped and tried to ignore the tug in his heart.

“If you’re damned, then I am too, and Harry. I’ve stopped asking for God’s pardon, Lou. I’d sooner burn with the truth than live their life.”

Louis sucked in a shaky breath at Edward’s words. They ingrained themselves into his mind, repeating over and over as the reassurance he needed.

Edward couldn’t stop himself from wrapping an arm around Louis’ shoulder and pulling him into his side. Louis froze momentarily by the gesture, not having expected it, but ended up welcoming it, scooting as close as he could before laying his head on his shoulder. He relaxed into the warmth that was radiating off of Edward’s body, and he had no idea how much he’d been craving someone’s touch until this very moment.

So he scooted even closer. Edward’s hand started to rub up and down his bicep in an attempt to soothe him. Louis looked down to where their thighs touched, to where their knees brushed up against each other, and suddenly, everything felt right. Everything felt okay.

“You are not damned, Lou. They’d have you believe that because it keeps you broken, but do not let Malik’s words rot you through. You are more than the words he speaks.”

Louis slowly lifts his head up to look at him, and Edward met his gaze. He looked at the twin like he meant the world to him, or at least, his support and comfort did. Their shoulders touched, their faces were just inches apart, and cerulean blue melted into river green.

And suddenly, things made sense.

Louis’ breath hitched at the closeness. Edward’s lip twitched ever so slightly, before eventually clearing his throat and scooting a little to create some distance. Louis was the first to break contact as his cheeks coated a soft pink.

“I plan to see Harry tonight.” Edward murmured, and Louis had almost missed it, so he leaned closer.

“Niall, whom you know as Dr. Horan is aiding me tonight. I need to see him, I cannot take it any longer. Please do not beg to come, I do not want to put you at risk.”

Louis gently shook his head. “It’s okay, I understand. I hope everything goes swell for you, Ed. Please tell him I have been thinking of him, and that I sincerely apologize for the pain I may have caused.”

At first, Edward didn’t respond. He just stared long and hard at Louis, before reaching a hand back up to place it on the back of his head, softly stroking his hair affectionately before dropping it.

“I thought I told you to stop apologizing. I will not pass that along, Louis. I will tell him you are thinking of him, and that is all. Understand?” He said sternly, and even gave Louis a knowing look.

Louis groaned and fell back dramatically onto the bed, but he didn’t protest. “I understand.”

And then, as Edward stood up, Louis looked up at him. “Will you tell me how it goes?”

Edward turned around to look down at Louis with softer eyes and a small nod of his head.

“Course.” He murmured, before exiting Louis’ room.

Louis watched him go, the phantom touch of Edward’s hand on his shoulder and bicep still present, still longing. Still wanting more.

***

“I shouldn’t be doing this.” Niall whispered after opening Edward’s door. It was late at night, well after curfew, no orderly was in sight. It was the perfect setup to sneak around.

“I know full well, Niall. Still, I’ve got to see him.”

The Irishman sighed, before pulling Edward out of his room with a grip on his bicep. Dimly lit lights hummed on the ceiling, snores and faint cries echoed through closed doors, and the two tiptoed to the end of the hallway to the emergency stairs.

Niall stopped midway up the stairs to look down at Edward with a stern expression “You need to do as I say, do you understand?” He whispered.

Edward nodded. They continued up to the third floor. Niall pushed open the heavy metal door and held it open for Edward. He quietly closed it behind him, and Edward took a good glance around as the two of them slowly, and very quietly, walked down.

Solitary confinement felt like walking through a graveyard. This was the floor that turned patients into zombies, and gave anyone the sense that no one sane could survive long. The worst of the worst usually came up here; those who were violent, a danger to themselves or to others. Some were temporary stays, others never saw the light of day ever again. It was the type of floor to change you for the worst.

The door to each room was made of solid steel with a dull, gunmetal sheen. Each had a small rectangle observation at eye level, and a horizontal slot near the bottom for passing trays through. There were multiple padlocks on the outside to keep the doors locked, which made them feel more like a sealed tomb if anything.

“He is in room ten.” Niall whispered as they passed a guard, who he’d paid off to allow them up after hours in secrecy.

Edward looked up at the numbers stenciled above each door, some peeling with age. Niall slowly came to a stop when they reached room ten, and in an instant, Niall slid the cover to reveal the window into Harry’s home.

“They’ve not been feeding him.” Niall stated after a few moments of silence. Edward was quick to rush over, placing his hands on Niall’s side and trying to push him over so he could take a look at his other half.

“Easy, Edward!” Niall hissed as he shoved to the side. “He’s asleep and you’ll wake the whole corridor if you don’t ease up!”

Edward peeked into the window, staring at his brother’s limp body with a fluttering heart. The room was small, made of cracked concrete with a single bulb hanging from the ceiling. The flooring was concrete, walls were painted gray, but had cracks from prior patients scratching and carving. There laid a single thin mattress on the ground covered by a thin and scratchy blanket, but Harry didn’t bother with it.

Instead, Harry was laying on the floor, legs curled up with his body facing the door. His curls were tousled, a tangled bird’s nest with a pale face to match, and dark circles under his eyes. His breathing was soft and steady, dry lips slightly parted as his chest rose and fell in such a slow and deceivingly tranquil state. But the thing that Edward noticed in an instant was the straitjacket that refrained Harry from moving his arms.

Niall leaned down to slide open the slot at the bottom of the door, before whispering out, “Harry!” He repeated a few times, changed the volume of his voice, until eventually, Harry stirred. He slowly blinked his eyes with a yawn escaping his lips.

“Harry!” Edward tapped on the door in a frenzy to get his twin to wake up faster. It worked, because Harry’s eyes moved to the door, where he saw his twin through the observation window.

He narrowed his eyes in disbelief and slowly stood up.

“Edward?” He cocked his head to the side as he walked across the small room, bare feet echoing. Once he got closer to the door, his eyes widened with disbelief at the sight of Edward. He looked just as bad as him, but he tried not to focus on that fact. He was just glad to see his older brother.

Edward sighed in relief at the sight of his baby brother. He was so desperately afraid something would happen to him, and even though he was starting to look like a shell of himself, he could tell Harry was trying to stay strong.

“Why are you still in the jacket, Harry?” Edward softly asked as his eyes scanned over his brother, quietly assessing him, memorizing every detail of him to remember.

“I’m coming apart, Ed. Feels as though I’ll tear my own hair out. You’ve got to get me out of here.”

“If I could put you over my shoulder and walk us both out of here, I would. You know that, Haz.”

Harry sighed and looked up to the ceiling as tears brewed in his eyes. He couldn’t bear to see Edward like this, looking just as much of a mentally exhausted mess as him. And he didn’t like Edward seeing him like this either.

“Do these windows open?” Edward desperately asked. He was already trying to open it himself, but he couldn’t get the locks. “Please, I just want to touch his cheek.”

Niall looked over to the guard, who was already on his way over with a chain of jingling keys. He unlocked the window and slid it open.

“Five minutes.”

Edward nodded as he returned to his post, and didn’t even hesitate to reach his hand in.

“Come.”

Harry stepped up to his brother’s hand and rested it against his cheek. His eyes fluttered shut as his thumb stroked his cheekbone. Edward had always been his protector, his guardian. If Harry was ever scolded by their parents, Edward would be the one to pick up the pieces. When their parents had started to be too much to bear, Edward stepped in. They hardly left each other’s side and they still don’t.

“How’s our Louis?” Harry whispered as he leaned more into Edward’s touch. Edward slid his hand from his cheeks to the back of Harry's head to stroke his curls. The two acts had never failed to soothe Harry. When he was much younger, he’d even fall asleep to it.

“He’s…” Edward’s voice trailed off. He didn’t want to lie to Harry about Louis’ wellbeing, but he also didn’t want to be honest about the harsh reality of it because he’d noticed that Harry had taken a liking to him, he’d been listening to the flattery, he’d seen the small touches.

“He does what he must to survive. Said I was to tell you that you are on his mind.” Edward murmured. “As for me, I hardly manage. But seeing you here, feeling you close, Harry, it near sets me right again.”

Harry let out a sigh of relief at the reassurance, though his heart cracked a bit at the news of Louis’ mental health. Before he could respond, the guard came back over with his keys in hand.

“Your time is concluded.”

Immediately the twins looked at each other in horror. Neither were ready to say goodbye, and tears were already brimming in Harry’s eyes.

Edward moved his hand back to Harry’s cheek so he could wipe the tears away with the pad of his thumb. Harry was desperate for more. He couldn’t leave now, not when things were starting to feel okay.

“Please remain steady, Harry. You will be out in no time. I am never leaving you, no matter what.” Edward whispered as he pulled his hand back, causing his brother to whimper. Edward wanted to cry. He so badly wanted to break down after hearing that, after seeing such insecurity and vulnerability in Harry’s eyes.

But he remained strong. He always did.

“I love you.”Edward confirmed in solidarity.

And just before the window was closed shut,

“I love you too.”

Chapter Text

Louis was walking to lunch with Edward when Miss Cahill came up from behind, desperately calling out for Louis to stop because she had his morning dose. In all honesty, he was trying to avoid taking it today. Yesterday, they’d started giving him a new pill, said it was opium-based to calm his nerves about the incident in the showers. Last night, he took it before bed and it felt… too good. Euphoric, almost. He had fallen right to sleep, which was good since he wasn’t sleeping well.

But most of all, it was starting to feel like his brain was turning to mush. The days were blending, the hours were too fast, and his thoughts had dramatically slowed down. And he liked that at first, especially when coping with the trauma he endured in the shower room, but now, he was starting to feel too numb, too stripped of his personality.

Louis turned around and sighed. He took the paper cup and looked at it. Sure enough, it was the same pill from last night. If it were any other patient, they wouldn't have noticed. They would’ve blindly taken the dose and went about their day like everything was fine and dandy.

Edward watched as Louis reluctantly slid the pill into his mouth and swallowed it dry, which earned the tiniest smile from Miss Cahill. Louis glared at her.

“You are expected to see Dr. Clark this afternoon at 1500. I will escort you there.” She softly said.

Louis immediately shook his head. “No. I will not go.”

There wasn’t a chance Louis was going to go back up there, not after the shocks, and especially not after the ice bath they surprised him with yesterday. ‘It should calm you down, Mr. Tomlinson. The temperature is meant to refocus your attention on something other than your thoughts,’ they said. And it temporarily helped, despite freezing him to death.

“It’s mandatory, Louis.” Miss Cahill lowered her voice.

Edward immediately stepped in and stood closer to Louis with an arched brow. “You heard him. Louis will not be in attendance.”

Miss Cahill narrowed her eyes as she crossed her arms over her chest. “Oh?”

Louis glanced back and forth between them. He could feel the tension in the air starting to rise, thickening like smoke from a fire.

Edward doubled down, his voice harsher this time.

“I shall not permit him to see Dr. Clark, no one ought to see that man until his methods are under questioning.”

Miss Cahill stood up straight. Louis noticed the crack in her eyes, but she remained strict nonetheless, not giving up control. “You know, Edward, I do not appreciate your manner of speech. I could have you reported for such insubordination.”

Louis awkwardly cleared his throat as he combed a hand anxiously through his chestnut brown hair. “Why don’t we put an end to this before it escalates. Please.” He looked back and forth between the two with desperate eyes.

“He is a Styles.” Miss Cahill responded coldly, before brushing past them. “One can hardly expect better.”

Louis’ mouth fell agape as he watched Miss Cahill walk off, her shoes thumping against the flooring as she turned a corner. He then turned his gaze to Edward, speechless, as the twin chewed on his bottom lip and stared off into the distance, before finally meeting Louis’ eyes.

“What did she mean by that?” Louis asked in disbelief. The comment wasn’t even directed to him and yet he was offended.

Edward shook his head. It seemed that he too, didn’t know how to process the interaction, but it clearly never phased him when people said things like that. The twins had a reputation. Louis had heard the whispers from other patients, and even from the orderlies. They’d been here for a while, and while their reasons for being admitted was unknown, it was a widely popular rumor that it was for some kind of “sexual perversion.” Louis’ curiosity for them had grown astronomically when hearing that.

“Come, Lou. We will talk at lunch.”

Louis slowly nodded his head, and the two started down the corridor towards the mess hall. As usual, it was alive with noise and motion. Trays clattered and voices bounced off the tiled walls, while a queue had formed along the serving line, and a fight broke out when one was accused of cutting in line. Orderlies swerved through the rows with stiff backs and watchful eyes, ensuring that everyone minded their manners and followed the rules.

Lunch today consisted of thick and unseasoned split pea soup with white bread and margarine on the side. Rice pudding optional, but Louis opted for it because his favorite seasoning was nutmeg and it looked like the only good food item offered.

They sat at their usual table, and at first, things were quiet between them. Edward was back to sitting up straight, face expressionless, movements delicate as he brought the spoon full of broth to his lips and gently sipped.

Louis watched him closely, watched the way his lips barely opened to allow the broth into his mouth. His tongue flicked at his bottom lip when some of the broth missed, and when Edward looked over at him, he panicked and immediately averted his eyes.

Edward blinked. Louis’ cheeks blushed.

“Louis.” Edward murmured, forcing Louis to lean in slightly to hear him better over the echoing voices in the mess hall.

“You need to start playing the part and behave as though you fancy women.”

Louis just blinked at him. He didn’t even know what to say to the man, who was looking at him like it pained him to even have said it, so he just looked at Edward as though he’d been offended.

“Why would you suggest such a thing?”

“He will kill you one day, Louis. You are far too delicate to withstand the shocks, or any other treatment, for that matter.” Edward whispered, his tone trembling with anger.

Louis crossed his arms. “I am not delicate, Edward. And why should you care so much?” His voice remained low, bewildered, because the intensity of Edward’s concern came out of nowhere.

Edward was compulsively adjusting the hem of his shirt, then started to smoothen out the long sleeves. His posture was still perfect, still sitting up straight and spine aligned, yet he remained tense because of the conversation. He was looking down at his untouched food, before looking back up at Louis to respond.

“I have seen what has happened to those who do not listen. Honesty here will not get you out. I have seen many leave the asylum, and it was because they passed away.”

Edward looked around the mess hall, specifically for any lingering staff members. Orderlies were busy trying to force feed a patient on the opposite side of the room, so naturally, they weren’t paying attention to anyone else.

Edward exhaled and he reached a hand across the table. He hesitated for just a second, before brushing a strand of hair from Louis’ forehead. His fingers lingered a little too long.

“I am trying to keep you alive.” He whispered, voice almost breaking, his eyes crestfallen. The touch was gentle, almost controlling in a way Louis couldn’t quite describe. But he didn’t pull away. He couldn’t, even if patients stared at the touch. His warmth felt good against the bitterness of the mess hall. When his hand retracted back to his lap, Louis found himself missing it, and yearning for more.

“I will think about it.” Louis finally spoke, and left it at that. He didn’t want to speak of it for any longer, so they didn’t. Edward just dropped his gaze to his food, but Louis didn’t miss the way his eyes stared for a little too long.

He somewhat understood what he was trying to do. If Louis played the part and convinced them he was getting fixed, then the treatments wouldn’t be as frequent and they wouldn’t be as harsh. But Louis didn’t want to lie. He didn’t want to be someone he wasn’t. Because pretending to be attracted to women would only make them think their opinions and methods were right and that treatment was working.

But the twins have been here longer, they’ve seen things, experienced things. So Edward must have a point in suggesting that, right?

***

Patients weren’t allowed in each other’s rooms. Not even for concerns of privacy, but for the fear of intimacy and secret displays of affection. It was a tight rule, yet somehow, Harry and Edward seemed to bypass it. None of the patients in their ward batted an eye when Louis followed Edward into his shared room after lunch. That was the reputation they both had. If the right orderly was working, then they minded their business out of fear of retaliation from the twins.

Harry and Edward’s room was no more different than Louis'. Bare, small, no window. However, the wall behind their beds was like a graveyard of time. Seven hundred and thirty scratches were etched into the plaster by a secret knife they had stashed, all layered and crossed.

“We have stopped counting, but out of habit, Harry still marks it every morning.” Edward softly said as he sat down on his bed with his right leg crossed over his left. He watched with pensive eyes as Louis stared at all the marks. It was humanly devastating.

“Wow…” Louis murmured as he stepped closer to the wall, reaching his hand out to trace his fingers delicately over the indents. Each mark was a painful reminder of how much time had passed.

When his hand dropped, Louis looked down from the wall and to Edward, then sat down on the bed beside him, allowing a bit of space between them.

“How did you manage to share a room?” Louis curiously asked.

Edward just smirked in response. “I have my methods, Lou. Best not to ask too many questions.”

Louis furrowed his eyebrows, even opened his mouth to respond, but he decided against it. The way he said it was so dark, so conspirational, and threw him off a bit, leaving him with more questions. It always seemed to be that way with the twins. They give him so little and leave him wanting to know more.

“Why did you push the beds together?” Louis asked instead, not even sure if he’d get an answer, but thought he would try anyway. The twin beds were pushed against each other to mimic a full bed, or something of the sorts, and at first, Louis didn’t think much of it, but then he thought about how peculiar it was to see them close together in what looked like a deliberate, almost intimate way.

“Harry often suffers from night terrors.” Edward quietly spoke, almost as if he didn’t want to open up on behalf of his twin. “It is easier to have me near. He is calmer when he can hear me speak or feel my touch.”

Louis faintly nodded. It was bittersweet and strangely human. It felt like an insurrection to a place that was meant to suppress.

He slipped his shoes off and crawled over to Harry’s side, laying on his back with his head on Harry’s pillow. He rested his hands on his stomach and stared up at the bare ceiling. He could see out of his peripheral that Edward was lying down too, curls sprawled all over his pillow.

Louis could just tell that Harry and Edward were closer than the usual pair of twins. They seemed like they stuck together through everything, but maybe it was because they had nobody else. Louis loved his sisters but he was never close with them like that. Sure, he’d play with them, dress them, take them to school, but they weren’t close in the sense of sharing secrets or opening up about things. Liam, however, was his person for things like that. Or so he thought.

Louis slowly turned to his side after a couple minutes of comfortable silence between the two. Edward’s chest was shallowly rising and falling, eyes closed as he rested. Louis stared for a moment with warm eyes, taking in how utterly tranquil Edward looked in comparison to the madness around them. He didn’t even flinch when someone yelled down the hall, or when a door slammed shut.

Louis shifted a bit closer, and slowly he reached his hand over to brush his knuckles along Edward’s cheekbones. The skin was soft and Louis couldn’t believe how good it felt just to touch someone, yet his chest ached as though he’d done something forbidden.

Edward’s eyes slowly fluttered open at the gesture, but he didn’t move a muscle, other than his head turning to face Louis, who had somehow gotten closer. Louis drew his hand back, watched as Edward turned on his side to face him, forcing their faces to be just inches apart. They didn’t speak, but Louis could feel Edward’s shallow breaths against his mouth, and the next thing he knew, both were leaning in without the other realizing.

It didn’t matter who started it. All Louis knew was that the distance was officially closed and Edward’s mouth was moving in an unhurried rhythm. Louis felt his tongue brush against his bottom lip, felt Edward’s hand sliding to the back of his neck to pull him in closer. It felt good, he shifted closer, he wanted more, so he kissed him harder. It was like they’d both been touch-deprived, starving for attention and intimacy in a place that banned it. Louis needed it. And he needed more. And by the way Edward was roughly kissing him, it seemed he needed it too.

“Mr. Styles, you have- Oh!” An orderly gasped at the sight, causing Edward and Louis to instantly pull apart. Louis could feel the adrenaline kicking in as his widened eyes trailed over to the orderly, who was already calling out to her superior. His heart was rapidly pounding against his chest, and he looked over to Edward, who was already standing up.

“Edward, I’m-”

Suddenly, Mrs. Johanson came stomping in with a grave expression on her face, with the unknown orderly following closely behind.

“What is the meaning of this!?” She shouted as she looked between Edward and Louis. “Not only are you in another patient’s room, Mr. Tomlinson, but physical intimacy is absolutely prohibited! This is ungodly behavior, an abomination!” She raised her voice, which was full of disgust and venom.

“There’s a reason you two are locked away, and now, you should learn your lesson!” She reprimanded, and all Louis could do was freeze as he watched the next scene unfold in front of him.

Edward was already resisting, shouting back insults as security came in to help. One of the guards had a tight grip on his bicep, so he used his other hand to punch him clean in the jaw. He was temporarily released, so he pushed away an orderly that had a sedative ready for him. The room abrupted into shouts.

At some point, Louis was shoved into a corner, seemingly forgotten about. All focus was on Edward, who was still trying to fight back. He tried to kick everyone away as they each took turns lunging at him, trying to grab his wrists and restrain him, and someone screamed to get a doctor, but what good would that do? 

Louis was being shielded by Miss Cahill, who wouldn’t let him leave the corner.

“Louis, I must get you out of here. Let me help you.” She pleaded, but Louis didn’t want to leave Edward. Not like this.

“No!” Louis yelled, pushing Miss Cahill against the wall and rushing over to the cagefight in front of him. He tried to push his way through, tried to shove orderlies and guards, to no avail. He wasn’t as strong as most of them. At one point, one of the guards wrapped his hands around Louis’ wrists and yanked him to the side, causing him to cry out as he was restrained.

“May someone PLEASE get Mr. Tomlinson out of here!” Mrs. Johanson called out, her voice frustrated and angry.

“Do not touch him!” Edward shouted when he saw an orderly rushing over to Louis to inject him with a sedative. That seemed to have set him off, because he started to really fight back, doing everything he could to kick and punch, but when Louis’ limp body was placed and restrained in a wheelchair, Edward had dropped to his knees out of defeat.

And the darkness greeted him too.

***

Louis’ eyes slowly fluttered open. His body felt heavy, his head was fuzzy, and he had absolutely no idea where he was at.

It wasn’t Dr. Clark’s treatment room, no. This was darker. He could hear water hissing through pipes, boots thumping on tiled flooring. The air was damp and smelled of metal and soap, causing his nose to scrunch at the contrasting scents. He eyed the metal shelving up against the wall, full of straitjackets, towels, gowns, and rubber straps. The room was quiet, unsettling, and a clock ticked away the day.

Louis was still in the wheelchair but restrained by a straitjacket. He was once wearing a jumper and a pair of hospital pants, but was changed into a thin hospital gown at some point. He looked across from him to see a concrete tub full of water, waiting patiently for whatever was coming. 

Louis gulped.

“Ah, you have awoken, Mr. Tomlinson.” Dr. Clark came in from out of nowhere with an orderly following close behind.

“Your recent perversion has earned you a trip to the basement. We will be performing immersion therapy today. It is to cool the blood and vanquish deviant behaviors and impulses.”

Louis’ eyes instantly widened in horror as the orderly stepped up with a clipboard. Another arrived shortly to aid in the therapy, walking over with a thermometer to check his temperature pre-treatment. She then pressed her hands to his neck to get a pulse-check.

“36.8 celsius. Pulse is 72 and spiking.”

Because yeah, Louis could feel the dread in the pit of his stomach growing each second.

Once the orderly concluded and vitals were written down, she nodded her head, a silent confirmation that they were ready to proceed. They walked over and placed their hands underneath Louis’ shoulders to force him up out of the wheelchair. He tried to resist them, grunts and whimpers escaping his lips, but he was no match. He never was. They were deceivingly strong against him.

They forced him on his knees at the side of the tub, before Dr. Clark came over to shackle his ankles as an extra precaution.

Louis was visibly shaking. He was staring down into the water as the panic rose from within his chest. He didn’t know what to expect, he didn’t know what was going to happen to him. At this point, he would rather do the shocks. He’d rather suffer with blockages in his memory and severe headaches if it meant not having to experience whatever this was about to be.

“Fifteen minutes should do. Please be sure to watch for signs of exhaustion or fainting.”

Louis cried out. “Please, don’t-“ His breath caught in his throat, unable to finish his sentence.

It didn’t matter either way. Dr. Clark was already out the door, and the orderlies were already submerging his head forcefully into the water.

***

Louis was pulled up from the water gasping for air. He was drenched and shivering, with ragged breathing and soaked hair. He was violently coughing up water that had infiltrated his lungs and suffocated him for what felt like a lifetime, and he struggled to breathe as he attempted to cough up as much water as he could, and finally, it all came out. Water stung in his eyes from the force it took to get it all out, and he couldn’t help the whimper that escaped his lips. The chill of the air clung to him as the orderlies forced him up and sat him down in a chair.

Louis couldn’t even move. He sat in a stunned silence as one took his temperature and the other grabbed a towel to start drying him off. His eyes were dazed, too tired, and deep down a sense of shame clung to him for what he’d endured.

“Pulse is 125. Temperature suggests mild hypothermia at 35 celsius.” An orderly cut through with clinical precision in her voice as she scribbled on her clipboard.

“No orders were given in the event of hypothermia. Dr. Clark instructed to dry him off and return him to his ward when finished.” The other said as she began to unstrap the straitjacket. She wrapped a towel around his body once it was off, watching as his teeth chattered, noticing how pale his lips had become.

“We can’t just leave him, not like this.” She said with a tight voice, looking at her colleague with concern. ”He’s incredibly cold, can’t you see he’s on the brink of shock?”

The other orderly looked up with dull eyes. “Dr. Clark said to observe, Fiona, not interfere.”

Fiona remained silent after that. She watched as Louis continued to shiver with the towel wrapped tightly around his arms.

Just then, Dr. Clark re-entered, dress shoes clacking against the tile. He adjusted the neckline of the collar on his clinical coat as he walked over to the pair of orderlies. They whispered under their breaths, went over recorded vitals and observations on the clipboard. Louis couldn’t understand half of what they said, mainly because his pulse was thumping in his ears as he came down from the adrenaline. But he was also just incredibly detached and numb, that he wasn’t fully registering what was being said or what was going on around him.

Dr. Clark clasped his hands together and walked over to Louis, standing in front of him with his lips pressed in a thin line.

“Mr. Tomlinson, do you feel calmer now?”

Louis shook his head. He could hear the orderly mark an X on the clipboard.

“Do you understand why treatment was necessary?”

That wasn't a treatment. That was meant to punish him. He shook his head. Another mark on the clipboard.

“The impulse in which you have given into is the reason for the treatment, Mr. Tomlinson. We must learn that such desires are unnatural and we must correct the illness as soon as possible. You understand that, don’t you?”

Again, Louis shook his head. It’s all he could do. Words weren’t coming to him, his thoughts were barely coming through either.

Dr. Clark lowered in front of Louis, squatting in front of him at eye level, forcing Louis to look at him with hollow eyes. He was trying hard to contain his shivers, damp hair was still clinging to the skin on his forehead. He could hear that clock still ticking, his own breaths, and the faint sound of drips from a water pipe.

Dr. Clark lowered his voice. “Did he persuade you, or was it your idea?”

Louis just barely opened his mouth, shaky breaths leaving as he tried to come up with an answer, but all he could do was let out breathless stutters.

He continued, his voice measured, too steady. “Do you think Mr. Styles cares for you?”

Yes.

Louis didn’t say anything.

“You want to be well again, don’t you?”

“I-“ Louis started, and he thought maybe he found his voice, but he didn’t. He closed his mouth and shut his eyes tightly as tears formed in his eyes.

Dr. Clark stood up straight, smoothening out his dress shirt and pants before walking back over to the two orderlies and taking the clipboard.

“That is all. You may take him back.” He muttered before exiting the room. Fiona immediately walked over to Louis and with a gentle touch, she lifted him from the chair from underneath his armpit.

“Come, Mr. Tomlinson. We must get you back to your ward.” Fiona softly spoke as she guided him to the wheelchair. She gently sat him down.

The other orderly rolled her eyes at the way Fiona was speaking to the patient, even shaking her head in disapproval, but she didn’t say anything.

“You go. I will clean up.”

Fiona softly nodded her head, and even hesitated to take him back up, but she complied. She wheeled him out of the tub room and down the dimly lit corridor to the elevators. Louis curled his fingers into the towel, practically clinging to the material as the elevator dinged and opened its doors.

Another victim was wheeled out and passed them. Louis looked at him in solidarity.

The only sound in the elevator was Louis’ shaky breaths, his chattering teeth, and the gears working to pull the elevator up. He felt trapped in his mind, unable to even focus on his thoughts, unable to process what had happened to him.

They were back on the ground floor and all Louis wanted to do was curl up and sleep for as long as humanly possible.

By the time they reached his room, Fiona waited a moment, figuring he’d want to get up himself, but he stayed still. His eyes were blinking slowly, the towel was still wrapped tightly around him. He wasn’t shivering as much, but goosebumps were still along his skin.

“Mr. Tomlinson, it’s time to get up. You’re back in your room now.” Fiona softly spoke. She kept her voice gentle so as not to startle him.

“You’ll warm up in your bed. Come on, now.” She coaxed him, placing her hand under his shoulder again to lift him up from the wheelchair. Finally he listened and stood up, dropped the towels to the floor, and didn’t even hesitate to plop into his bed. Immediately, he turned onto his side and curled up, burying his face in his pillow as Fiona drew the blanket up.

“I sincerely apologize for the pain I have caused.” She murmured. And it was the last thing she had said to him. Louis could hear her wheel out the chair, shoes clacking against the concrete flooring and echoing off the bare walls.

He let out a sob. And just like that, it all came pouring out. It was the first time a staff member had spoken to him with such grace and humility. Not even Miss Cahill said things like that to him. And he wished all of them were like Fiona.

Louis ended up bawling eyes out into his pillow. And at first, it was because of the punishment he’d received. It was obvious the immersion wasn’t meant to be a treatment, but a punishment, a warning for the intimacy between him and Edward. But then he cried for Harry, and then for Edward, and then for the life he once had before he stepped foot into this hell. He so desperately wanted to go back to the way things were, before he admitted his feelings to Liam and lost control.

His cries echoed in his room, filling the once temporary stillness of the ward. Louis didn’t care if anyone heard, it didn’t matter. He was losing hope on ever making it out. And now, the mistake him and Edward made will only set him back. And he hoped to God Edward wasn’t enduring something worse than he did.

Chapter Text

This year would mark Harry and Edward’s third year at Bradley Bay Sanitarium. Their stay was only meant to be temporary. A solution to the reality they had dodged, thanks to Edward’s quick and logical thinking. It was the only way they could stay alive, and they figured they would only have to suffer just a little bit, and then they’d make it out.

But they never made it out. They planned many escapes and their efforts failed. They formed alliances only to be turned against at the last minute.

They’d seen patients come and go over the years. Go, meaning death. No one ever made it out alive, even though they promised you that you’d get released if you thoroughly followed the treatment. Harry and Edward learned that the hard way when they formed a bond with a patient. They had planned to escape, the three of them, with the help of a clerk. But when upper management caught wind of the plans, they were punished and silenced, and told they would never see the light of day again.

So, they spent the last year biding their time. Waiting patiently for an opportunity. They played the part and they did it well. They learned the ins and outs of the building, they knew specific orderlies and their habits and the ways they worked. They caught on to their schedules, their patterns. Edward had learned how to successfully manipulate to get his way, including the ability to room with Harry.

But unbeknownst to his twin, Dr. Clark wanted to study them. They were the first pair of twins to step foot in Bradley Bay. He believed in a psychiatric concept known as the folie à deux ("madness of two"). He wanted to observe the way the twins mirrored each other. Edward hated feeling like a specimen, but only agreed so that they couldn’t separate him and Harry.

The study was meant to conclude last year, and orderlies were prepared to separate them, but Edward had charmed them until he got his way, and Dr. Clark decided he needed more research on them.

Edward specifically, was obviously the quieter of the two. He’d earned his reputation as protector, and the quiet that came after was its own warning. His gaze alone could send the onlooker into a panicked frenzy, something that resembled the madness from within the walls of the institution. He was cold, bitter, and you never looked at him too long, and you especially didn’t look at Harry the wrong way.

Now, he woke up in a bleak white room dressed in a hospital gown and confined to a straitjacket. The lights were dimmed and shining a neutral glow. The walls were padded and soundproof to suppress extra noise from within and out. Complete and utter silence surrounded him.

Locks clicked and the heavy metal door was opened to reveal Niall, as pale as the walls with a syringe in his trembling hand.

Edward furrowed his brows at the sight. Niall avoided his gaze.

“Niall, what are you about to do?” Edward whispered as the Irishman neared him. Edward slowly stood up once he was closer, and looked at him with dark, menacing eyes.

“Do not do this.”

Niall gulped thickly. He was under Dr. Clark’s orders. He didn’t want to do it, he couldn’t bear to do this to someone he cared so deeply about, but he had no choice.

“This is for your protection. It is not what he originally prescribed. You trust me, yes?” Niall whispered in response, and proceeded to poke the needle into his thigh.

Edward sighed, but nodded his head.

Niall didn’t say another word. Once the syringe was emptied in the muscle of Edward’s thigh, he didn’t waste another moment in that room. Because he knew what it was for and the consequences that came with it. And he didn’t want to see Edward like that.

Edward watched as the door closed with a loud thunk bouncing off the walls. He stood in the middle of the room and glanced around with a blank expression. It was clear that this was meant to be a punishment for what he’d done with Louis.

He had no regrets. Louis filled a void that no one else could have possibly done. Without his brother, he felt he had no purpose. He would’ve had no one to take care of, no one to pull him out of the darkness.

Now, he was being punished for it. For living his truth and allowing his impulses to lose control. He could hear his own heartbeat, his breath, and his thoughts slowly were becoming louder and uncontrollable.

But that was the purpose. Or in this case, the punishment.

***

Without the twins, Louis felt lifeless. He struggled with that empty feeling in his chest. He was back to being alone. The days passed, it was sometime in the middle of October, and Louis truly had no idea how long he’d been here. Time felt like a foreign concept within these walls. Maybe that was deliberate.

He hadn’t left his bed for days. He stayed curled up under the blanket, cold and sleepless. And part of that was from the constant flashbacks from the hydrotherapy he received. When he was in the depths of his mind, it felt like his lungs were still pooling with water. He felt himself submerged all over again. He lay awake all day and night in a fearful panic, worried it might happen again.

He’d been relying more on whatever medication they’d been giving him. Something numbing, addictive. Each time he took his dose, he kept on wanting more, and he couldn’t go without it. He didn’t want to feel, he didn’t want to remember. All he wanted was a way to lie in bed and cry himself to sleep.

He’d cry. But he never went to sleep.

Miss Cahill had reported the symptoms to Dr. Clark with genuine concern. They were dismissed, at first. But when the night shift orderly reported the same thing, Dr. Clark requested he be brought to the office today.

So that was where he was brought. Two orderlies escorted him. It was a bit much but he didn’t have the energy to fight, even though he truly didn’t want to go.

The first thing Louis noticed was the iron filing cabinets along the back wall behind his mahogany desk, which had piles of sorted papers and writing utensils. There were all sorts of astronomical and medical posters hanging on the walls, bookshelves full of medical volumes and case studies. It was suffocatingly neat and it was a mimic of the control he always held.

Louis hated it. And he hated that he could hear the clock ticking, hated that he couldn’t see out the window because the blinds were drawn, and he absolutely hated the smell of cigarette smoke that seemed to linger in the air.

He sat down in the worn leather seat across from the desk. He slumped over a bit without a care in the world.

“Louis. I hear you are tired and withdrawn. I can see it in your eyes. You’ve been resting quite a lot as of lately, yet your mind continues to run with the wolves. Do you know what that means, Mr. Tomlinson?”

Louis sighed and shook his head. He looked down to his hands in his lap with a yawn leaving his lips.

“It must mean that you are misunderstanding our treatments. There is too much chaos, and chaos interrupts the mind’s ability to heal. So, we must strip the mind bare to build it back up. You’ve lost your sense of control, and so we will give you an environment where control cannot exist.”

Louis opened his mouth, stunned at the words that were coming out of the doctor’s mouth. The orderlies standing behind him exchanged a look, wondering what Dr. Clark was planning for him.

Dr. Clark scribbled something onto a piece of paper, probably Louis’ notes from past treatments.

“You will spend some time alone. No sound, no light, and no interference. It will be only you and your thoughts. When you come back to me, you will see how peaceful the mind can be once it learns obedience.”

He then stood up with a nod of his head.

“Ladies, if you could be so kind as to show Louis to his temporary new room. Third floor, take a left off the elevator, and he will be in Isolation Room 3. Dr. Horan will meet you there with a special dose.” His voice remained precise, clinical, but his eyes were menacing. Louis hated them, those dark brown eyes full of evil. The man didn’t even try to hide it.

The orderlies each held a tight grip on Louis’ bicep, standing on either side of him as they led him out the door to the elevators. The closer they got to the third floor, the faster Louis’ heart raced.

His breaths quickened in a panic as they guided him down the corridor. He could’ve tried to resist, fight them off, but he was exhausted. He didn’t think he had any fight left  in him. Because what was the point? This was his reality now. Surviving. And never escaping back to society.

The corridor was different down this way. If they’d taken a right off the elevators, they would’ve been in solitary. But this side of the hall had sealed metal doors, no windows whatsoever. It was dimmer, a few orderlies sat at a station writing in charts or chatting amongst themselves. Louis could hear banging and screaming on one of the doors, LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT! LET ME OUT!

He flinched at the sound, followed by a small whimper leaving his lips.

By the time they reached Niall, who was already waiting outside of the propped open door, he looked at Louis with apologetic eyes. Louis glanced around frantically, chest heaving as he struggled to take a breath. He wasn’t given time to recuperate, was just shoved into the room with Niall following behind.

“It is not the intended dose.” Niall whispered as Louis slowly backed up away from him. The room was dimly lit, walls padded, and otherwise quiet if the two of them weren’t in here together.

Louis backed up until he hit the padded wall, causing a small, oof, to slip past his lips. There was nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, but the look on Niall’s face suggested genuine concern, and maybe, shame in his eyes.

Louis cocked his head to the side inquisitively. And then Niall spoke before he could. “This should help you into a deep slumber.” He whispered as he stepped closer, lining the syringe to Louis’ bicep before pushing in.

Louis winced at the sharp pain from the needle, but he didn’t fight it. He wasn’t sure if it was because he was too weak and exhausted, or if it was because he actually trusted Niall, but he watched as Niall slid the liquid into the tissue, before pulling it out.

He gave him a knowing glance. A look of solidarity. Before shutting the door behind him and locking it up.

Louis let out a sob as he slid down the padded wall to the floor. He brought his knees up to his chest as loud cries filled the dismal silence of the room he was left in. There was nothing. No windows, no decorations, not even a bed. There wasn’t a clock to tell time, he couldn’t hear anything but the faint hum of the dim overhead light, the shakiness of his breaths, and the sobs from crying so hard.

He cried until his body grew weak, until he was so exhausted, he was forced to fall over onto his side and curl up. He was fighting whatever medication Niall had given him. It wanted him to shut his eyes, wanted to fall into slumber and forget about everything. Forget about the trauma from the showers, the treatments, the twins, Liam. Everything. Just let it all go.

So that’s what he did. He finally succumbed to the darkness in hopes of dreaming up better realities. It was the only way out of this desolate nothingness.

***

Louis had officially lost track of how long he’d been in there. He tried to count heartbeats per hour, but then his heart would skip a beat and he would have to start over. He tried to keep mental tally marks in his head but it was difficult to know what the actual time of the day was.

He’d stand up, stretch his legs, talk out loud to himself so that the quiet didn’t swallow him. But then, he’d lose momentum and sit back down. He drew shapes on the floor, practiced his cursive, and wrote out Harry and Edward’s name. He tried to day dream of an alternate reality where he met them somewhere else. He pictured meeting them during a trip to London. He thought maybe they would approach him at a cafe, or maybe even a park.

Things started to crack when Louis saw two little ravens in the corner watching him, jeering at him. He cried out, banged on the door thinking that somehow, birds had made their way inside. But it wasn’t possible. At all. And Louis had begun to wonder if this was what it felt like to go mad like the rest of them.

They fed patients in isolation and solitary the bare minimum; usually water, some chicken broth, and a piece of bread. The chicken broth was bland, the water tasted like it came straight from a pipe, and almost always the bread was stale.

He barely ate. And Louis felt the consequences of it because he was growing paler and weaker. His hands were shaky, his lips had gone dry, and he felt dizzy from the lack of food and lack of stimulation.

At some point, he couldn’t even tell if he was dreaming or if he was awake. He swore he could hear Harry speaking to him, begging him not to give up. And Edward? All he saw was the two of them kissing again.

Eventually, he fell asleep to what sounded like rain. But that also could’ve been the water pipes above the ceiling.

Curled up in the middle of the room, Louis slowly blinked and opened his eyes to see a figure standing at the door and motioning for him to come. It was a shadow figure, he couldn’t quite tell the outline, but it was rapidly pointing to the door, almost like he wanted Louis to follow.

So he did. He got up with dazed eyes and a fuzzy head, and stumbled his way to that thick metal door. And he swore he saw it open for him. This was it, this was his escape.

For the first time since his arrival, Louis’ heart fluttered with hope. He thought he’d lost it, he thought he would never feel such a thing, but finally he had it.

Only it wasn’t. The door wasn’t open. There was no shadow. Louis crash landed right into that door and fell over as the ravens flew high above him, before darkness sucked him in.

***

Louis was sitting criss-cross in the middle of the room staring blankly at the door, as if waiting for it to open. He had been like that for a while, he didn’t try to wrap his brain around guessing the date nor the time. He’d given up completely, let himself succumb to the bare silence and the madness that came with it.

Louis winced at the sound of locks being turned, before the door opened with a loud screech. Light from the hallway poured in as Miss Cahill came rushing in with a horrified look across her face, instantly squatting down in front of him to meet his level. Louis had cried out at the figure in front of him, and proceeded to cover his face as if to hide away from her and from the sudden light that shined upon him. He thought the orderly wasn’t real.

“Louis, it’s Miss Cahill, look at me. It’s alright.” She softly spoke, her voice barely above a whisper, maternal and gentle in an attempt to coax him. And it worked because very cautiously, did he finally look up at her.

It was clear Louis didn’t look well.

His eyes were glazed over, clearly somewhere other than here. He was bruised under the eyes, skin pale; he looked frail, his collarbones and cheekbones were more defined, which signaled he hadn’t been eating what was given to him. He was shaking, he looked silently fearful yet unable to vocalize it.

Louis’ eyes squinted from the brightness of the light as tears silently streamed down his cheeks.

Miss Cahill frowned, even sniffled herself as she reached her thumb to brush Louis’ tears away.

“My God… What have they done to you?” She whispered with a broken voice, guilt and shame filling her eyes as she stared at the boy in front of her. They had completely torn him down, and now, he was just a shell of himself.

“Come, Louis. It is over, I promise. Let us get you back to safety.” She murmured as she lifted Louis up with her, his knees buckled so she ended up wrapping an arm underneath his armpit to hold him up and aid in walking him.

The moment the elevator reached the first floor, the dim sunlight pooling in from the windows made him flinch. His pupils struggled to adjust, causing him to squint as Miss Cahill led him towards the men’s side of the institution. His shoulders hunched defensively and his fingers twitched. He caught sight of the outside world just before they left the reception hall; the leaves were falling, the ground was damp, and the sky was gray all around. He wondered if it was November already, but he was too scared to ask.

At some point as they walked through each of the wards, he started to whisper to himself, as if he were finishing hallucinated conversations, most notably one being with Liam where he apologized for what he had done and hoped they could remain friends. 

Beside him, Miss Cahill was trying to hold it together. The weight of the guilt she felt in her chest was unbearable. She couldn’t believe what Dr. Clark had done to him, and she couldn’t even begin to think of reasons why he would suggest sensory deprivation to Louis. It didn’t help anything, if anything, it made Louis’ state worse.

He looked vacant in the eyes, he winced at sudden bright lights and whimpered when he heard voices, wondering if they were real or a figment of his imagination. It was heartbreaking, and it was the first time Miss Cahill felt sick from seeing a patient so deprived and hollow.

“What day is it?” Louis mumbled when he walked into his room.

Miss Cahill hesitated. “It is the third of November. You were in the room for a week. I’m so sorry, Louis.”

Louis’ breath hitched. A week? It had felt like an entire lifetime passed, a whole season, a month. It felt so much longer than just a week. But that was part of the punishment, right? To strip away time and constantly wonder how much has passed, to give up control and just be.

Louis gripped onto the door handle to steady himself. He was growing dizzy, and he wasn’t sure if it was from the overwhelming voices throughout the ward or from the fact that that much time had passed.

“Why don’t you lie down, Louis. Get some rest, please. I can wake you for dinner.” Miss Cahill pleaded. Louis recoiled when she wrapped an arm around his shoulder to guide him to his bed, and he didn’t waste any time climbing in and curling up to make himself as small as possible.

“Can you do me a favor?” Louis asked, his voice small.

Miss Cahill blinked at him. “What is it you need?”

Louis slowly shifted, turning around so he could face the orderly with half-lidded eyes. “Can you get me a pencil and paper, please?”

It was the least she could do. She felt guilty for the way Louis had been treated, so she gently nodded her head.

“Of course. I will see to it.”

***

Dear Mother and Father,

If you knew what they do here, you would come for me. I have tried to be good, I mean it. I have tried to follow the rules and accept my treatments, but I fear I am getting to a point where I can no longer bear it.

They have provided electrical currents to my brain in a poor attempt at correcting my deviant actions. I was assaulted in the showers, and drugged to suppress the nightmares and the thoughts about the trauma I endured from it. I have experienced a horrifying simulation of drowning as a punishment. And, most recently, I was unwillingly placed into a room with nothing but my own thoughts to keep me company. But there was no comfort in being alone, for I felt myself growing madder the longer I was in there. It was bare and quiet, and the days passed me by without me realizing. I saw things. I heard things. I had nightmares but couldn’t tell what was real and what wasn’t.

I beg of you, please come for me. I can no longer continue like this. I am weak, I am tired, and I would like to be home with my family where I belong.

Please tell the girls I love them.

Yours sincerely,

Louis

“What was the reason for writing this letter, Mr. Tomlinson?” Zayn broke the silence after reading the letter out loud to Louis, even though he really didn’t need to. Louis remembered exactly what he wrote and why he wrote it. He was in a state of vulnerability, he was still on his own with no Styles twins in sight, he was still coping with being back into the society of the institution, so he wrote it out of fear and desperation.

Louis’ eye twitched. It was such a stupid question to ask. “It was that or start screaming again. The letter felt more productive.” He crossed his arms over his chest.

Zayn cleared his throat at the sudden defiance coming from Louis.

“Mr. Tomlinson, are you aware that we read all outgoing letters from patients?”

Louis slowly shook his head. Maybe he should’ve expected it.

Zayn set the letter down and clasped his hands, resting them on his desk as he stared at Louis.

“We simply cannot let unmoderated content outside of the institution’s walls. Such information could cause… quite a fright. We must maintain the reputation of the building, and we would also hate for families to get a false and biased account of their loved one’s treatment.”

Louis sighed and watched as Zayn pulled out a fresh sheet of paper. He clicked an ink pen and pressed it to the sheet in front of him, before eyeing Louis once again with narrowed, precise eyes.

“We shall write a new letter together.”

Louis immediately leaned forward in his seat with urgency. “Wait-”

“Dearest Mother and Father, I pray this reaches you well.” He started. Louis’ eyes widened with panic.

“Please-”

“I have made immense progress here at Bradley Bay. I have been tolerating my treatments well and have been working to suppress my perversions and my impulses.”

Louis cried out in disbelief. It was all a lie and he should’ve known better. He should’ve known his letter wouldn’t reach his parents. God, he was so stupid for that.

“I wanted to take this moment to apologize for my abhorrent behavior towards–” Zayn paused to look up at Louis. “What is the name of the victim?”

Louis rolled his eyes. “Liam?”

Zayn nodded and continued his cursive. “I wanted to take this moment to apologize for my abhorrent behavior towards Liam, and I deeply regret the shame I may have caused you and the family. I sincerely hope my impulsive and regrettable actions have not tarnished the family name.”

Zayn stopped again momentarily to look up to Louis, seemingly waiting for a reaction or a response from him. But Louis sat still with one leg crossed over the other, arms crossed tight against his chest with a glare on his face. He had nothing good to say.

“I send all my love and hope to be home as soon as possible. Yours sincerely, Louis. I think that sounds grand, don’t you, Mr. Tomlinson? Full of hope and possibility for a better you, even if it’s looking like the latter.”

Louis slowly shook his head but he had no defense. He honestly didn’t have the energy because he was still trying to get used to being back from the deprivation room, reintegrating back into normalcy proved difficult. He remained fatigued all the time, still flinched at noises he normally wouldn’t, and he was also still learning that everything was real, and that those hallucinations remained in the room, never to follow him out.

“I’m tired, sir. May I be excused?” Louis muttered under his breath, already placing his hands on the armrests to get ready to lift himself up.

But Zayn shook his head. “May I ask about your recent treatment Mr. Tomlinson? The sensory deprivation room?”

“I’d rather not, sir.” He deadpanned. He knew it was a risk to be speaking to the doctor in such a way, but he was at a point where caring was out of the question. He was tired, he just wanted to get back to his room and sleep everything off. He wanted to forget everything, even though he knew he wouldn’t. He was just done.

Zayn stared at him with a blank expression, though it was clear Louis’ answers were bothering him. He watched as Zayn scribbled a few things down on the pad of legal paper, before ripping it off and filing it away into a manila folder with Louis’ name labeled. He furrowed his brows, watched as Zayn unlocked a filing cabinet and filed the folder in the correct alphabetical order.

“You are dismissed. Someone should be outside the door to walk you back.”

Louis didn’t say anything in response, just promptly stood up from his seat and exited with the door closing behind him. He sighed, combing a hand through his fringe as the orderly walked him down the hall back to the grand staircase. He tried to keep himself from crying, he could feel the tears threatening to leave his eyes, but he held them back the best that he could because he was tired of crying.

He was tired of feeling numb. Tired of feeling like time was nonexistent. Tired of feeling alone and isolated.

As he slowly walked down the staircase, he held on to the railing with the orderly beside him. The reception hall was quiet, peaceful, with clerks behind the desk muttering soft chatter and stapling papers while orderlies passed through.

“I would like to sit here, if that’s fine.” Louis mumbled once they reached the end of the stairs. He stared down at the patterned linoleum flooring.

“As you wish.” The man muttered back before swiftly moving on to his next duty.

It was then Louis felt like he could breathe, and just be to himself. He sat down over to a line of armchairs and sat in the corner. It was the same seat he had taken when he’d sat during his first week. He smoothed out his cotton pants before pulling his legs up to his chest, eyes resting on the window outside, blinking slowly, counting the leaves that would fall and float through the breeze.

It made him realize how much time had truly passed even though he didn’t want to believe it. What was once the end of summer, was now the beginning of fall, it was now clear to him. The leaves had changed to yellows, oranges, and reds, and one by one they fell off the branches and piled by the trunks or floated through the wind. The ground was damp from prior rainfall, and the sky a never-ending overcast, which mirrored the building’s own mood.

Louis’ eyes fluttered closed as rain began to tap lightly against the windows, which was really the only time he’d ever felt at peace here. There were no screams, no cries, no scolding orderlies. It was such a peaceful serenity and Louis wished it could last forever; he wanted to hold on to this for as long as he could. So he did.

He stayed like that for probably a half an hour, he couldn’t tell but that’s how long it felt like, until his eyes snapped open when he heard a familiar name as the elevator opened up.

“Final warning, Mr. Styles. You know we have a zero tolerance policy for violence. Do you understand?”

Louis’ head turned in the direction from which the scolding voice came, and there he saw Harry Styles slowly lifting his head up from the floor, instantly meeting Louis’ gaze. He looked gauntly, eyes blinking slowly as he stared at Louis with a twitch of his chapped lips. His curls had grown out a bit into a tousled mess on top of his head. His skin was paler from the lack of sunlight, and his eyes looked like he’d seen and lived a nightmare, maybe he was.

He nodded his head in quiet confirmation, before walking away from the orderly. His steps were sluggish, as if he hadn’t spent much time standing or stretching during confinement. He stood in front of Louis and stared long and hard at him like he was seeing an angel on earth.

“Darling,” Harry rasped, his voice rough but laced with that familiar drawl, half-lidded eyes glinting as a faint smirk curved his lips. “Tell me just how much you missed me.”

Louis let out a soft, incredulous laugh. Of course, the first thing Harry did upon his release from solitary was flirt. And truthfully, he didn’t realize how much he had missed it. Even though it’d made him a flustered, stuttering mess, he still enjoyed the attention he received.

“You’re back.” Louis smiled up at him, cheeks blushing, as usual from Harry’s comment. He stood up, and even still Harry towered over him.

Harry combed a hand through his curls. “I am. I always come back for what’s mine.” He murmured, eyes locked on Louis when he winked.

Louis chewed on his bottom lip as he looked at Harry for a long moment, taking in the hollowness behind his eyes, and the emptiness in his grin, before reaching up to wrap his arms around his neck. He didn’t care if anyone saw, it was just a simple hug. And he could feel Harry tense for just a brief moment before finally wrapping his arms around his waist and pulling him flush against his chest.

Louis’ smile softened against him. “Then I suppose I’ll have to keep waiting for you.”

Harry briefly pulled away to look down at Louis again. He blinked at him, as though the words that left Louis’ lips had taken him aback. His eyes wandered to the window for just a moment, before they settled back on Louis. He could see the vulnerability in Harry’s eyes.

“You shouldn’t have to wait for someone like me.” He said quietly with a reserved but grateful smile.

But Louis’ smile never wavered. “I already have.” He whispered back.

Because he did. He and Edward had waited long for Harry’s return. He probably didn’t even realize how bad it had gotten for the two of them, and part of him hoped he didn’t ask. Because Louis didn’t want to burden him. But the fact of the matter was that he was going to find out eventually, that while waiting for him to come back, they’d gotten closer and risked it all, only to receive the worst punishment he’d experienced thus far. But Edward still wasn’t back.

Harry just smiled gracefully at Louis in response, before motioning for him to come for a walk. Louis followed, and the two began their journey back into the men’s side of the institution.

“What was your experience like?” Louis softly asked as he looked up at the twin, even though he probably had an idea.

Harry let out a long breath through his nose, looked away as they passed a few lingering patients like he was trying to search his brain for a response.

“It was… painfully lonely.” He muttered. His steps were slow and sluggish, but Louis didn’t mind. It gave them an excuse to make the walk longer. He figured Harry would need to stretch his legs out.

“Had to make my own amusement now and then. You crossed my mind more than was decent.”

Louis’ breath caught at the comment as his cheeks blushed a shade of pink. “Must you say things like that here?” Louis hissed, though he couldn’t stop the flash of amusement in his eyes.

Harry only smirked in response. “You didn’t say what sort of things, sweetheart.”

Louis almost shoved him, but decided against it when a pair of orderlies passed them through the corridor. Harry chuckled under his breath, before moving on.

“I’ll confess, Louis, I have a tendency to lean on my brother more than I care to admit. Having him out of reach wasn’t easy. It’s the first time we’ve been apart for so long.”

Louis frowned. “It’s been hard on you both. He wasn’t himself for quite a while. Very withdrawn, distant. Some days, we’d go about things in silence, and I never minded it. I did what I could to be there for him, and I like to think it made a small difference.”

Harry stopped in his tracks to look at Louis. He was expressionless at first, like the words had hit him all at once. Louis tilted his head up to meet his gaze, warmth flickering in his cerulean blue eyes because Harry was staring at him again like he was a saint for having kept his twin company.

And it made Louis’ heart skip a beat.

“Thank you, Louis. That means more to me than you will ever understand.”

And Louis nodded in response. He didn’t have much more to say. Maybe there wasn’t more to say because Harry’s silent gratitude spoke enough. Louis wanted to tell him that he didn’t need to thank him, that he was doing what he would’ve done for anyone else. He was raised to be empathetic and to care for others. And it was obvious the twins needed some grace in their life.

“Have you seen my brother recently?” Harry cut the sweet moment off, causing Louis to freeze at the sudden question.

He hesitated, because the thought of Edward pressed at the back of his mind like a shadow was haunting him. He didn’t want to talk about it just yet, not when Harry had just been released. It felt like the mention of his missing twin would break the fragile peace hanging between them. And yet no matter what, Louis felt a quiet fear for how Harry might react when he heard they kissed.

Louis opened his mouth to say something, but no words came out, just stuttering. That's when Harry knew something was wrong.

In a flash, Harry brushed past Louis and hurried down the hall to their ward. Louis quickly followed the best he could, and went after him into the twin’s shared room. It was vacant, beds left a mess with blankets ruffled like no one had been there for days.

Harry immediately glanced around the room, even though it was obvious no one had been there. He turned around to face Louis with a grim expression and dark eyes.

“Where is my brother?”

His voice was low, almost a growl. It was amazing to Louis how fast Harry could flip from being cheeky and flirty to absolutely lethal.

“Um-” Louis let out a shaky breath as Harry stepped closer. “Um, we shared a kiss and uh- We were discovered and taken away. I was punished. Twice. But I have not seen Edward since.”

At first, Harry was silent. His chest was heavily rising and falling, and Louis watched as his nostrils flared.

“You kissed Edward?” He muttered through his teeth, causing Louis to gulp. This was the reaction he was afraid of; he was worried that Harry would be mad at him for kissing his brother, for getting closer to him while he was rotting away in solitary. He couldn’t even begin to imagine the emotions that must be running through Harry’s head right now.

“I-“ Louis hesitated, wondering if he should spare the details because he could see the heat prickling behind Harry’s eyes. “I’m not quite sure who initiated it, but it did happen. It was… spur of the moment. And I do apologize if it causes any bothersome feelings for you. I think—“

Louis paused, because what was he thinking? How could he best explain his thought process during the kiss as it happened? Truth be told, he wasn’t thinking. He was just letting his desires take control. The very reason he was admitted.

And that was when his face fell flat and the guilt settled in his chest like someone had dropped a weight on him. He was horrified. He hated himself for letting this happen, for separating the twins once again.

“I’m so sorry, Harry. I don’t know what exactly came over us, I suppose he made me feel wanted, but I hope you can forgive me. I do not want to cause any issues between the two of you and I value my relationship with you.”

Louis stared up with tears brimming in his eyes. The guilt came not from kissing Edward. He enjoyed it too much to regret it, but it came from the fact that he had hurt Harry and caused their separation once again. It was always his fault. He was the constant factor, the common denominator.

Harry stared long and hard at Louis with pursed lips, his gaze never once unwavering. He was expressionless, and it bothered that he now couldn’t tell what Harry was thinking. But then after letting out a deep sigh, the expression on Harry’s face softened, and next thing Louis knew, Harry was pulling him into another hug. This time, his arms were tighter, allowing him to feel grounded, protected. Secure.

It took Louis a second to hug him back, but he finally did. He could feel Harry’s heartbeat as he pressed his forehead to his chest, allowing himself to relax in his arms for what felt like the first time in ages.

“What punishments were you given, Louis?” Harry softly asked with a hidden sadness in his voice. 

Louis took that as an indication that he no longer wanted to speak about Edward, so he squeezed his eyes shut as he recounted the first punishment. Water in his lungs immediately came to mind, causing his breath to hitch. He could feel Harry’s hand starting to gently rub up and down his spine, an attempt at coaxing him, and it helped because he was able to take a deep breath and relax once again.

“The first punishment… it seemed to me that they were attempting to drown me multiple times without actually letting it happen, does that make sense?”

Louis looked up to see Harry nod his head, a knowing look in his eyes, but he remained silent.

“The second punishment… they had shoved me into a room with absolutely nothing but myself and my thoughts.” Louis explained halfheartedly. “I don’t wish to elaborate any further about it, but it was traumatizing.”

Harry once more in solidarity, but again, remained silent. He pulled away completely to place his hands on Louis’ tense shoulders, and when he started to gently rub them, Louis could feel himself slowly starting to calm down. He’d been longing for Harry’s touches, to hear his voice, the nicknames, his gaze.

Louis almost leaned in to kiss him, but he had to stop himself. He awkwardly cleared his throat as if to break the moment.

But Harry didn't quite notice. Or if he did, he was good at pretending he didn’t.

“He should be back relatively soon, sweetheart. Do not dwell on it too much.” Harry reassured, before leaning down to press a gentle kiss to Louis’ cheek.

Louis’ heart jumped at the gesture, causing his cheeks to flush. He hated the way the twins could undo him so easily, hated that it was getting harder each day to fight it, but goddamn was he enjoying it.

Was it so bad to feel wanted? To feel like he was desirable for once in his life?

Chapter Text

Harry had never gone this long without his twin. When they were younger, he had put Edward on a pedestal. Everything Edward did was amazing in Harry’s eyes, even if it was something minor.

His brother was a quiet genius. He had a higher IQ than the average person, he was great with numbers, and he had a very detailed memory. He excelled in school and was always praised for it. He had the most promising future of the two.

Growing up, Harry had carried a secret from the age of thirteen, up until sixteen, when he finally broke down and was swallowed into his absolute darkest abyss. He finally confessed to Edward, but when he involved himself, things got worse for the both of them, thus resulting in unresolved trauma and night terrors.

Edward was the strongest of the two. He carried the burden, he took the worst of it, and he always put Harry first and himself second. When Harry woke up screaming and crying in the middle of the night, Edward was always there right beside him to help him through the terrors, and he still does; he never stopped.

Harry still has flashbacks to that day, to the day it all went wrong.

But the worst of it all was the mortified look on their sister’s face. Because that’s when he realized what they’d done, and when people would learn about what happened, they’d all be looking at them the way Gemma did.

Now with Edward still suffering from his punishment, he needed to try to be strong. For Edward. For Louis. Definitely for Louis. There was no way he was going to break down in front of the boy. He wanted no indication whatsoever to the demons he lived with. He didn’t want Louis to experience that side of him.

So when Louis offered to sneak into his room that night, Harry didn’t object. It was risky, and Louis had to bribe an orderly to leave their doors unlocked, but somehow, he made it happen. He would have to sneak back into his room before dawn. But it didn’t matter because he would have someone to comfort him should he wake up from a night terror.

And sure enough, he did.

‘You know I'd go to any length for you, don’t you?’

The moment Harry shot up screaming with tears pooling out of his eyes, legs kicking the blanket off and hands shaking in utter panic, Louis was quick to shift closer to him and wrap his arms tightly around him. He thrashed at first, ugly sobs and whimpers escaping his lips. But the moment he heard Louis’ voice softly in his ear, Harry, it’s me, Harry’s movements stopped. His eyes slowly fluttered open as Louis laid him back down, before pulling him into his chest. Harry instantly curled into him, head buried, body still shaking as he wrapped his arms tightly around Louis.

He couldn’t remember exactly what he was dreaming about leading up to the outburst. It was always a struggle to remember or even think about it. He usually laid in silence as his twin held him with his head on his chest, stroked his curls, whispering that he was safe, and that everything was okay.

And that was exactly what Louis did. Except, he didn’t talk. But Harry was fine with that, he just wanted to be held. And when Harry’s breathing finally softened and began to steady as Louis gently rubbed his back, he finally pulled his head from his chest to look up at the boy. And when their eyes met, something shifted.

For once, it wasn’t Harry saving Louis.

***

Louis didn’t want to leave Harry alone after that, but the orderly had come to remind him when it neared dawn. He’d have to fulfill the favor the orderly wanted for doing this for them, and he did when he’d gotten back to his room. They had to be quick and quiet. Let’s just say, it was the first time Louis had ever done oral and he was ashamed for actually liking it.

Harry’s episode last night reminded Louis of the nights he would hold the girls when they had nightmares. They never went to their parents when they woke up, they always went to their big brother because he had a way of coaxing them back to sleep that their parents couldn't live up to. They weren’t as good at comforting, because mentally, they felt a mile away sometimes.

But Louis didn’t mind. He’d let them fall asleep in his arms, he’d stroke their long hair, he'd whisper things like, I’ll protect you, and, You’re safe, it’s not real. He wiped their tears, rubbed their back, and remained awake until they fell asleep.

Not being able to do that for them anymore put a strain on his heart. Because he wasn’t needed anymore. But last night? Harry made him feel needed. And that was enough for him.

Upon returning to his own bed, Louis fell asleep, but unbeknownst to him, he’d only get about two and a half hours of slumber before being awoken by Miss Cahill for his morning dose.

Louis’ eyes slowly blinked as he stirred, before finally sitting up with a yawn escaping his lips. He rubbed his eyes, fatigue already creeping in.

Miss Cahill offered a strained smile. “How are you feeling this morn, Louis?” She quietly asked as she lowered the paper cup with the tablet.

Louis remained silent at first, before popping the pill into his mouth and swallowing it whole.

“Tired. But I’ll manage, as always.“ He mumbled in response as he sat on the edge of the bed, before laying his head in his hands.

Miss Cahill stared for a moment with a troubled expression across her face. She seemed like she had something to say but was hesitating.

“I’m sure you don’t wish to hear this from me, but I do apologize for what you’ve endured. I know I’m not the one responsible for it, but it doesn’t take much to understand that you didn’t deserve it. No one does.”

Louis slowly lifted his head up to look at her. She was staring down at his feet with hidden shame in her eyes. Even just that simple apology showed him more empathy than he ever thought he would see here. Because he was convinced it didn’t exist in a place like this. But how, he was starting to understand there were a few good apples amongst the rotten ones. He just had to look closely for them.

“Thank you.” Louis murmured, before slowly standing up. His gaze on the orderly never left. “I appreciate that more than you know.”

Softly, she nodded her head in response, before then taking her exit out of the room. By this point, Louis knew he wasn’t going to be falling back asleep, so he may as well make his way down to breakfast. Even though he was drowsy, sluggish, and absolutely fatigued.

The moment he walked into the mess hall, he was greeted by the usual voices of patients, chewing, and orderlies scolding those who weren’t eating, or those who were stealing. The same thing every day, really.

After picking up a tray, he made his way over to their usual table, to be greeted by both Harry and Edward. His breath hitched at the sight of the older twin, who instantly sat up straight upon noticing Louis. His eyes were drooped, tired, skin paler, curls a tad longer, and he looked as though he had lost some weight.

But he was alive.

“Edward!” Louis breathed out in disbelief as he slid into the bench next to Harry, across from the other twin.

Edward stared at him with soft eyes. “Lou. Are you decent?” He asked in an instant. Louis was expecting it, he’d caught on to the fact that Edward put others before himself.

Louis shrugged. “Tired, but managing. I have been worried sick about you, Ed. I feel terrible for what transpired.”

But Edward shook his head. “Don’t.” He remained still, but Louis noticed the way his hand trembled on the table. “Contrary to popular belief, I do not regret it.”

Harry grunted at Edward’s response, but remained silent. Louis looked at him a moment with a questionable look about the noise that was made, but didn’t press it. Instead, he lifted his hand to briefly set it on top of Edward’s, an attempt to stop the shaking. It helped.

“What happened? Where did they take you? You don’t look well, Edward.” Louis voiced his concern. His tray had been completely forgotten about, for all he could worry about right now was Edward’s well-being. He looked hollow in the eyes, he was much quieter, voice barely above a whisper. He twitched every so often, his fingers barely trembled, and if Louis wasn’t mistaken, he looked like he endured a similar punishment as him.

And his next words confirmed it.

“They call it sensory deprivation. There was nothing in that room, Lou, nothing but a dim light. I was fed thrice a day, but I couldn’t eat. I was going mad, Louis.”

Louis felt his heart crack in half. Because Edward shouldn’t have had to go through that. Neither of them deserved it. And it made him wonder, can it get any worse?

“I had the same punishment.” Louis murmured softly as his mind began to flash images of his time in the room, causing his heart rate to spike and beat against his chest. He flinched when Harry placed a hand on his thigh, but when he looked over at him, he let out a breath of relief and was able to return to reality.

His hand smoothly rubbed up and down Louis’ clothed thigh. The touch was grounding, almost intimate, and it left Louis wanting more from him. At some point, he shifted closer. But his hand on Edward’s never moved.

“I’ve found it difficult to reintegrate. I struggle to sleep, I am startled by loud noises, and I can’t get out of my mind sometimes. It had gotten so bad that I was starting to hallucinate. One time, I swore birds made their way into my room. But I was going mad the whole time. Maybe it’s what they wanted.”

Louis felt Harry squeeze his thigh, causing his cheeks to heat up. But then he watched as Edward lifted his hand to hold onto Louis,’ giving it a gentle squeeze out of solidarity. The attention, although he was enjoying it, as well as the physical touch, it was definitely starting to feel just a little overwhelming because he was still trying to get used to it.

He looked back and forth between the twins because it had been quiet for a moment, and they were looking at each other like they were speaking telepathically to one another.

Louis moved away from Harry and pulled his hand away from Edward. The tension was growing thick. Edward was slowly blinking with an eyebrow barely arching, while Harry stared right back with narrowed eyes and a clenched jaw.

“Hey,” Louis broke the silence, causing them to immediately escape from their trance and look at him. Louis pressed his lips into a thin line, before saying, “I’m happy to be back together with you two.“

Edward’s eyes softened upon hearing Louis’ words, but the expression on his face remained almost indifferent.

Harry spoke up for both of them. “Just say you missed us, sweetheart.” He teased, causing Louis to whip his head to the side to look at him.

He wasn’t trying to be obvious about it. He didn’t want to overwhelm Edward, either. But Edward looked as though he was somewhere else entirely, lost in his mind as his eyes stared off into the distance.

“I did.” Louis mumbled shyly, but the smile forming on his lips was hard to hide from them. Even though the air was heavy and the circumstances were less than ideal, their reunion almost made things feel normal again. Even if it seemed Edward was miles away and Harry looked constantly worried.

It was humanizing nonetheless.

***

It was easy to notice that Edward was struggling to return to normal. He was distant, his voice was slower, sentences shorter, but he still remained at Harry and Louis’ side like the loyal man he was.

But Harry encouraged him to rest, saying you can’t rush the healing process. Edward was still mentally recovering from the lack of stimuli, and at times, it was obvious he was overwhelmed.

But days passed, and slowly, he was making progress. Louis could see it whenever Edward’s eyes lingered on him, and he was starting to talk just a bit more. The three of them remained a pack, and Edward was the leader. They hardly separated unless they had meetings or treatments. Their days consisted of walks throughout the wards and playing games in the day room. Sometimes, they sat in front of the fireplace in silence and just enjoyed each other’s company.

It was the first time in a while since Louis had felt whole like this.

And he felt even better when Edward had followed him down the lavatory hall while everyone was at the movie, called out his name quietly, and led him into the deserted Undressing Room with the door clicking shut behind them. The room was cold with tiled flooring, with high frosted windows that barely allowed sunlight to pour in. Pegs lined the walls for patients to hang their clothing, shelving full of patient garments, and there were two benches in the middle of the room.

One emergency lightbulb barely lit up the room, casting a very faint glow upon Louis and Edward. It smelled faintly of soap and mildew, but the two weren’t focused on it. Edward was already pushing Louis gently against the wall just beside an empty laundry cart. His hands trembled when they found his face, not in an act of hunger, but more in desperation to memorize the boy he’d come to know and protect.

Louis’ heart rate spiked as a shiver ran down his spine, straight to where his cock was already half hard just from the way Edward’s dry hands ran along his jawline, thumbing at his cheekbone. He could feel the twin’s breath hot against his own lips, and yet he couldn’t move. Because somehow, Edward had chosen him, Edward had reached for him when everything else around them was fading into darkness.

And then, Edward whispered, “Let me have this. Just once.”

And Louis was nodding in an instant. He didn’t know what it meant for either of them as Edward dipped his head below to kiss along his neck, while his hands already fumbled with the waistband of his cotton pants.

Louis let him do what he needed. He was turned around to face the wall, and Louis pressed his palms to the concrete even though his cock was already aching to be touched. He could hear Edward pulling his own pants down, rough breaths hot against Louis’ neck as he pushed into Louis’ tight hole without warning.

Louis laid his forehead against the wall with his eyes falling closed and a sharp, loud moan leaving his parted lips. It was sudden, and Edward placed his hand over his mouth to suppress him. He didn’t even wait for Louis to adjust because he was already roughly thrusting.

Louis tried to hold back his moans, knowing damn well if they were caught, it would be the end of both their lives. A few slipped past though as Edward continued with measured thrusts. Edward’s hands slipped under Louis’ shirt and ran up his sides, trailing his cold fingers all along his stomach like he was memorizing a map.

Edward was taking what he needed and Louis let him. He felt good, he loved how thick and full he felt inside of him. His thrusts came harder, his breath was hot in his ear, yet it was utterly silent between the two of them.

Apart from the light and quiet moans that were slipping past Louis’ lips. He couldn’t hold them in. And it only made Edward tighten his grip on Louis' hips, digging his nails into the skin to create tiny crescents.

“Edward-“ He moaned out, lifting his head back to look at him.

Edward trailed a hand up to his neck to rest it against his throat in a silent claim that Louis most certainly welcomed.

“Isn’t this what you’ve been dreaming of?” Edward murmured as his lips trailed against Louis’ jawline. His thrusts never lightened, the pacing remained quick and rapid with the same amount of harshness.

“One of us to touch you?” He continued into Louis’ neck, lips attached to the skin and biting down, causing Louis to moan out in pleasure. The sound of their skin slapping echoed throughout the otherwise empty room, and Louis somehow still wanted more. His cock was begging to be touched but he let Edward make that decision when he wanted to.

He immediately nodded in response, but he couldn’t find his voice. All he could do was moan.

“Tell me how much you’ve desired me.” Edward growled into his neck while a hand trailed down to Louis’ cock to start rapidly pumping it. He could feel himself getting closer as Louis clenched around his cock.

Louis was trying so hard to hold back his moans. Even a breathless moan felt too loud, but he couldn’t help it. Not when Edward was talking to him like that.

“So much,” Louis whimpered as Edward pressed the pad of his thumb to his slit. He couldn’t even deny it. All those nights he lied awake wondering what it would be like to be kissed or touched or even fucked by either of them.

Edward groaned. “I know.” And with one last slam into Louis, he released his cum with rasped groans and his head still buried into Louis’ neck. A few more pumps and Louis had came all over the wall in front of them with high pitched moans filling Edward’s ears. It was like music to him.

Edward pulled out while Louis leaned his forehead against the wall again, panting with his chest rapidly rising and falling. His hole was throbbing, he almost felt like he’d been ripped apart because that was his first time and Edward hadn’t bothered to stretch him out, but he didn’t mind. He almost felt sick for liking the pain.

Edward’s forehead glistened with sweat as he pulled his pants back up. When Louis still hadn’t moved by the time he finished, he pulled his pants up for him, before swiftly turning him around to face him.

Edward placed a hand on Louis’ cheek, staring down at the mess in front of him. He stroked his cheek for a moment, then thumbed at his bottom lip. Naturally, Louis parted his lips as he stared back up at the twin. Edward’s gaze lingered on him as if he were something fragile. His eyes scanned every inch of Louis’ flushed face as if he were memorizing him again, like he meant to keep every detail and store them for when memories were all he had left.

Louis stared back up at him in awe. He wasn’t going to admit that Edward was his first time. He didn’t need to know that, he didn’t want Edward to think of him differently. But he still enjoyed himself, he loved the way Edward filled him up, loved the way his hands ran over his body, his throat. And even though he felt so good, all he wanted to ask was:

“Why?” Louis murmured.

Edward stared at him with a blank expression, before wrapping his arms around Louis’ smaller frame and drawing him closer into his chest. He didn’t fully understand the ache that drove him to this; he only knew that it was equal parts guilt and longing, a need to feel human before it slipped away.

“I am trying to remember what it is like to feel human again. They have taken everything from me, Lou. I dread the day they come for you too.”

Louis fluttered his eyes closed as Edward leaned down to press a chaste kiss to his lips. It was soft, everlasting, and Louis could feel himself melting into him, under his touch.

When Edward pulled away, he looked down at Louis with vulnerability in his eyes.

“We were not meant to be here for long. We entered at eighteen. I was under the impression we would make it out in a few months time, however, as you can see, that was not the case. It never was.”

Louis softly exhaled. He could feel his heart sinking. “Edward, please tell me, why are you two here?”

Edward sighed, but his gaze remained soft, though his eyes were broken. He wasn’t going to tell him. He couldn’t. It would shatter everything.

“I fear if I told you the truth, you may look at us differently. Everyone else did, including our sister. I cannot bear to put my brother through that again.” He spoke barely above a whisper and his voice strained, as though it was difficult for him to be saying these things.

“I wouldn’t.” Louis shook his head, frowning. “I could never think poorly of the two of you.”

Even though part of that was a lie. There had been plenty of times he doubted the twins and their intentions, wondering if he could trust them or not. He seemed to go back and forth about it, which drove him crazy, but after the intimacy he shared with Edward and hearing him so vulnerable, it reminded him that he was just as much of a human with mistakes as he was.

But Edward exhaled a shaky breath before he dipped his head down to kiss Louis again, this time longer and harder. Louis welcomed it, kissing him back with the same amount of pressure as his arms reached up to wrap around the taller boy’s neck in an effort to bring him down closer. If Edward didn’t want to talk about it, then Louis wasn’t going to push him. Once again, he could feel that doubt trying to creep in, trying to question them again. But he shoved it to the back of his mind; he just wanted to focus on feeling something with Edward.

It wasn’t much longer until their clothes were coming off again, growing lost in each other’s touch, and eventually, Louis was bent over a bench as Edward claimed him once more.

Deep down, Louis knew this wasn’t for love, it was just two souls trying to survive.

***

Louis was curled up in bed with his eyes closed, blankets drawn over his body. His dose had made him particularly drowsy and sluggish today, so he made an attempt to sleep it off. He struggled at first, because the screams from down the hall made it incredibly impossible to fall asleep. He could hear orderlies yelling, and then all of a sudden, it had fallen silent. It was then that Louis was finally able to nap.

He wasn’t sure how long he was asleep for, but he dreamt of ravens circling the sky above him. When one suddenly came down at him like a threat, he suddenly shot up out of horror. His heart rate spiked, he was panting like he’d actually been frightened, and he looked around the room, the ceiling, to check if there were any birds.

There wasn’t. Just a silly dream. Or a nightmare.

He sighed in relief as he combed a hand through his hair, shaking his head at himself while swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. Time had passed, it was obvious because the ward had grown a little chattier. His neighbor was singing some made up song about how he enjoyed the movie last night.

Louis yawned and slowly stood up, then proceeded to stretch his limbs out. He could hear rapid footsteps outside in the hallway approaching, until Harry entered through the doorway with a grin on his lips.

“My darling, you must come see the first snowfall of the season. It’s the only thing that brings me joy anymore.”

Louis smiled at the sight of Harry. He looked happier than normal, his smile actually reaching his brightened green eyes. He looked cute like this.

“Alright, bring me to it.” Louis let out a small chuckle, before walking over to Harry. Harry instantly led him out of the room and down through each of the wards until they reached the reception hall. There, Edward was already sitting in a chair, legs crossed, with a cup of tea in one hand.

Louis slowly walked up to the window, and sure enough, the grounds were coated with a fresh blanket of snow. He stared out at the winter wonderland, pale gray sky for days, but a smile still crept on his lips at the snowflakes that fluttered in the air. He pressed a hand to the window, watched as memories of him and his sisters played in front of him. They’d build snowmen, initiate snowball fights, and even ice skate on the pond nearby the house, the very same pond they swam in for the summers.

“It’s beautiful.” Louis murmured, not even realizing Harry was standing next to him.

The twin nodded his head. “I wish they would let us outside.”

“They would never supply us with outerwear, Harry. You have been begging for this for the last three years.” Edward chimed in with a flat voice.

Harry rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t mind freezing if it meant I could play in the snow again. Don’t you think it’s joyful, sweetheart?”

Louis smiled and nodded his head. “Of course. I would play all day with my sisters.”

“Edward and I loved to build snow forts. Didn’t we, Ed?” Harry beamed, looking over to his brother for confirmation.

Edward nodded his head. “Remember when your tongue stuck to the pole? Mother had to call the fire department.”

Harry let out a hearty laugh at the memory. “Ah, yes! How could I forget? Father gave me a proper hiding for it.”

Edward’s smile flickered, but then vanished as soon as it came. His eyes remained on the snow outside, the reflection of white light almost making him look like a phantom.

“I’ve hated the snow ever since.” He said quietly. “It covers everything that ought to be seen. All the filth and rot underneath, hiding beneath something pure.”

Harry blinked, the laughter slowly falling once Edward’s words had settled in. Louis glanced between them, the way they both stilled. His words had chilled the air, colder than the frost on the windows.

For a moment, the reminiscing of childhood memories almost cast a facade of normalcy upon the building. 

Almost.

Louis looked over to Harry as he rubbed his hands together. The laughter from his lips was far gone. “We’ll get out there one day,” he softly said, more to himself than to Louis and his brother.

But Edward remained silent. Just stared down into the half drank cup of black tea that rested in his hand without a single emotion behind his eyes.

And Louis? Louis looked between them. Something heavy and unspoken had settled in the air between them, as if the atmosphere had stopped breathing.

***

Louis and Edward finally pried Harry away from the windows. He was insistent on watching the snowfall, and at first, Louis didn’t mind. It provided more peace than any activity in the day room could provide. But Edward was growing agitated, simply from the fact that his brother was so obsessed with the snow, but from the way they spoke to each other, this seemed to be a reoccurring behavior each year.

Louis had finally convinced Harry to play a game of Monopoly. Edward joined, but he was silent, withdrawn, quietly dealing out money as the banker while Harry and Louis fought over properties.

It had made Louis feel as though he was at home playing games with his sisters, though he would always let them win. But not this time. Not with the twins.

They’d been at it for most of the afternoon. Outside, the snow steadily fell, layering the grounds and the trees inch by inch. Inside, the fireplace breathed a warm amber glow across the three of them as they sat huddled around a coffee table, playing their overly-serious game of Monopoly.

The day room was livelier than usual; across the way, patients were gathered around a table for letter-writing, quietly murmuring what they’d say to their families if the letters ever left these walls. But Louis and the twins knew better. None of them ever did.

“Come on, Harry. Don’t be stubborn. I’ll trade you Pennsylvania Avenue for Park Place.” Louis begged as he held the property card up in Harry’s view.

Harry had built a small empire of orange and red properties, houses crowding each square like lineworkers. Louis was holding his own with the railroads and a few decent avenues in his possession, though his cash pile was bound to run out any moment now. Edward, on the other hand, was hardly paying any attention to the game, his pieces drifted where they were told, he handed out the money they earned, and that was that. He sat back in his chair, idly turning the dice between his fingers, distant eyes focused elsewhere as though his mind was far beyond the institution’s walls.

Harry grinned wickedly as he leaned back in his chair. “You’ll have to do better than that, sweetheart. Park Place isn’t going anywhere.”

Louis rolled his eyes, though he couldn’t help the laugh that escaped his lips despite himself. “Then neither am I.” He replied with a stubborn attitude.

Edward, who had been paying half attention, but clearly still listening in on the conversations, suddenly cut in. “No one does. Not in here.”

The group fell silent after that. Other than the crackles from the wood in the fireplace, and the soft sparks that emitted from them. Louis stared into the fire for a moment, the pit of his heart burning with it when Edward’s words settled in. The fact that the three of them weren’t leaving these walls. Not soon enough.

For a moment, it all felt ordinary. The laughter between Harry and Louis, the warmth from the fireplace, the snowflakes dancing outside. But even in that small bit of peace each of them held in the palm of their hand, the truth lingered like a looming shadow: moments like these never lasted here. There would always be a reminder of where they were.

Even still, they continued the game, though Edward was hardly committed and Louis was making desperate attempts to trade and make money. But Harry was collecting monopolies left and right, and soon enough, he was swimming in cash, and Louis had run out after landing on one of Harry’s properties.

Harry looked at Louis with a boyish grin. “Seems you’ve lost everything to me, darling. Can’t say I’m too sorry about that.”

Louis’ eyes widened at his obvious attempt at flirting, cheeks flushed, as usual. Edward shook his head in quiet amusement as he began to clean up the board.

“Well then,” Louis let out a flustered breath. “I suppose if I were to lose, it was to a fine-looking opponent.” He murmured, half smiling as he looked at Harry.

Edward let out a quiet huff of laughter, shaking his head as he closed up the board. “You both are unbearable,” he said, though the warmth in his voice betrayed him.

Harry went to retort, but the three looked up when an orderly behind the couch cleared his throat. His eyes scanned the three until they landed on Edward.

“Mr. Styles. It is time for your treatment with Dr. Clark.” He stated.

Edward furrowed his brows, slowly standing up as he eyed the man skeptically. “I don’t believe I’m due for treatment.”

“You don’t have a choice, Mr. Styles.”

Louis almost flinched at the austere tone in the orderly’s voice. He looked over to Edward, who sighed and made his way over. After everything they’d been through, it seemed as though he had no fight left in him.

When the orderly turned to the door, Harry suddenly stood up from his seat and reached out for his twin’s wrist to grab it and pull him back.

Edward turned his head to look at his younger brother, eyes narrow, expression impassive.

“Edward, please, don’t go.” Harry whispered, glancing toward the orderly, whose eyes lingered with suspicion. “I have a terrible feeling.”

Edward stared at his brother. His eyes were pleading, desperate, as though he was submitting to the anxiety like he always did. Edward grabbed onto his hand to give a gentle and reassuring squeeze.

“You always believe something is wrong.” He murmured, before leaning in to press a kiss to his younger brother’s forehead. “I will return for dinner, I promise. I always do.”

Edward slowly drew his hand back, though Harry’s lingered in the air as if hoping to catch it again, because he wasn’t quite ready to let go. Edward offered a brief nod to Louis, then combed a hand through his curls and turned to follow the orderly out of the day room.

Louis could see the dread in Harry’s eyes. It made sense though, for him to be anxious about his brother. But Louis couldn’t even comfort him, couldn’t even offer a touch due to the amount of eyes in the room. So he stepped closer, stepped beside Harry as the older one attempted to slow his breathing.

“You have me.” Louis murmured just for the two of them to hear. “Would you like to play a game of checkers while we wait?”

And that seemed enough for Harry. Because he nodded his head, and was already walking over to one of the tables that was set up with the pieces. They sat down across from each other in old wooden chairs, Louis as red, and Harry as black. The board between them was scarred and faded, the surface marked by years of restless hands and hard-fought games.

The atmosphere was cold without Edward. A faint shadow lingered where his presence had been, and as the pale winter light sank behind the clouds, the day slipped quietly toward dusk.

***

Edward never returned for dinner. Louis and Harry sat beside each other in silence as the evening passed them by like a montage in a movie. Patients ate all around them, conversing with one another, or themselves, while orderlies patrolled the mess hall and the kitchen staff ran around behind the scenes to keep up on trays and food.

Neither of them really ate. Louis couldn’t. Not when Harry was hunched next to him without his twin. Louis was holding out hope that Edward would be back before curfew, that maybe treatment ran a little too long, or maybe got a little too intense. 

After dinner, they slowly walked through each of the wards to their own. Louis thought maybe Harry would be in a rush, wanting to run towards his twin and engulf him in a hug like they’d been separated for light years, but Harry was trudging along, almost like he was afraid of being disappointed.

But when they arrived at the twins’ room, he still wasn’t there.

Harry slammed his fist on the door. “Where is he!?” He shouted, causing Louis to wince at the sudden rise of his voice. He immediately softened, and was quick to apologize.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I’m just- I’m getting worried, Lou. This has never been an issue.”

Louis frowned and placed a hand on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. “I know.” He murmured, softly starting to rub his shoulder and down his bicep. Harry seemed to have relaxed just a bit at the touch, but eventually, he shrugged Louis’ hand off and stepped away.

“I wish to be alone.” He muttered as he turned his back to Louis. He didn’t say anything more, causing Louis to sigh, and nod his head in defeat.

Without another word, Louis walked back out into the hallway. He glanced both ways, eyeing a few patients that lingered in their doorways. The ward smelled like faint antiseptic and felt like impending doom each time a light flickered. He stared up at the bare ceiling, at the flickering light, and the anxiety had slowly begun to creep in on him too.

He needed answers.

He marched all the way back to the reception hall. Orderlies could be seen waving goodbye to the night shift in their wool coats and fuzzy hats, just before bracing for the cold wintery weather that would greet them beyond the doors.

The reception hall was quieter in the evening, the dim lamps were to soften the sharp edges of the day. But to Louis, the calm felt like a mask for what was actually dismal in the walls of the institution.

Miss Cahill was just walking from outside of an office as she buttoned her wool coat, deep in conversation with another orderly. She appeared to be on edge, Louis could see the way her usually delicate fingers trembled as she struggled to insert the button into the hole. And whatever they were chatting about looked to be serious, as she had a solemn glint in her usual warm brown eyes.

Louis approached her just before she reached the door. She looked down at him with slight surprise.

“Mr. Tomlinson.” She said in a bit of a stun. “What are you doing out here late this evening? You ought to be in your room.” She asked. Louis could see how tense her muscles were.

“Please, miss.” Louis stared up at her with desperate eyes, and a pleading voice. “I need to know where Edward is. Do you have any information on the matter? He was taken for his treatment late this afternoon.”

Miss Cahill’s breath hitched at the question, and then proceeded to thickly swallow it back as she straightened her posture in a way that looked rehearsed to Louis.

“I need you to listen to me very carefully,” She started, her voice low and urgent. “Things are not as they appear in this place. The treatments have grown far more severe. And I would not put it past Dr. Clark if Mr. Styles’ recovery was taking a tad longer than it ought. But be warned, Louis. For your own sake.”

Louis’ mouth parted. He didn’t know what to say, but it didn’t come as a surprise to him. And he couldn’t even respond because another orderly was walking past, causing Miss Cahill to fake a smile.

“Rest well, Mr. Tomlinson. I am off tomorrow, but will be back the day after.”

And Louis watched with shaky hands as Miss Cahill disappeared out the doors and into the snow that still hadn’t lightened up. What she had told him didn’t feel so much as news to him, just something he may have already gathered deep down without wanting to admit it out loud. How could it possibly get worse than shocks and sensory deprivation?

That night, Louis couldn’t sleep. He tossed and he turned, each time the bed creaking like a painful reminder that silence would never exist. He opened his eyes when he landed on his back, and sighed as he stared up at the blank ceiling above him. Had Edward returned? And if not, was Harry okay? Down the hall, Louis could hear the frightened cry of someone most likely waking up from a nightmare, but it didn’t sound like Harry, so Louis felt some relief.

But still, his chest was heavy. He inhaled and exhaled shaky breaths as he struggled to fall back asleep. He couldn’t. His mind was too loud, worried too much about the state of the older twin. He was almost driven to nausea because he couldn’t bear it much longer.

And then–

Click.

Louis immediately shot up in his bed when his door was slowly opened, as quietly as possible. The hinges creaked, and in came a shadow Louis couldn’t quite recognize in the dark depth of the night.

“Louis?” An Irish accent whispered urgently. Dr. Horan?

Louis rubbed his eyes before narrowing them, trying to confirm if it was him or not. Then, Harry appeared in the doorway chewing anxiously on the pad of his thumb. The dim lights in the hallway barely lit him up, but Louis knew it was him by the curls that lazily rested on his head.

“What is going on?” Louis muttered as he slowly stood up from the bed.

“You need to come with me, and remain quiet. Do as I say.” Niall whispered, already slipping past Harry into the hallway. Louis slowly made his way over, socked feet quiet against the flooring as he looked up at Harry with a questionable look on his face.

Harry stared down at him with the same expression, but there was fear in his eyes. That was when Louis knew that something wasn’t right.

Niall led them down a flight of dimly lit stairs to the sub basement. It was mostly abandoned, once used for treatments, and maybe even punishments. It was the type of place where secrets lingered within the walls, and the darkness felt worse than above.

First, Louis was greeted with the lingering smell of mildew and rust. Their footsteps echoed against cracked tile as Niall led them through the narrow and darkened passageways, and into an old laboratory room that was now used for storage. He pulled the string to turn on a single lightbulb after closing the door behind Harry and Louis.

The two stood in the middle of the room, which was lined with boxes full of items and instruments that were probably forgotten about, and instead were sitting collecting dust. The flooring was uneven, and so was Louis’ breaths, because the air felt thicker down here, suffocating almost, or maybe that was just the tone of the atmosphere the three of them seemed to have created.

“Why have you brought us to the bowels of the institution?” Harry grumbled, clearly unhappy with the lengths Niall was going to collect them. He too, looked as though he hadn’t slept a wink.

Niall finally turned around to look at the two of them. His eyes were full of guilt, it was hard to miss, and it looked like he hadn’t slept in days. His skin was colorless, his eyes sagged with exhaustion, mouth parted as if he needed to get it out, but just couldn’t.

“Where is my brother? Niall, why isn’t he here?” Harry demanded, his voice sharper, and louder.

Niall intertwined his worrying fingers and rested them at his waist. He let out another exhale.

“Harry, I’ve no easy way to say this…” He cleared his throat and stared up at the ceiling. Louis watched as his throat bobbed, as he started to blink endlessly. He could see Niall trying to hold back tears, causing his own breath to hitch.

Niall finally looked Harry dead in the eyes.

“Edward, your brother, he passed on this afternoon. It was during one of Dr. Clark’s new trials. It was sudden.”

Neither of them moved. Louis felt like the air had completely left his lungs when the news hit him. The light above them flickered, the walls felt as though they were closing in, and the taste of metallic hung thick in the air.

Edward was gone.

And in that moment, Louis finally understood what the snow had been trying to tell them all along: that nothing pure ever lasted here. Not even that peaceful serenity.