Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

For the past three months the Yorozuya hadn’t left the Shinsengumi alone. Even though they paid them to work alongside them as people they could trust - not just people, fighters, who at least know a thing or two. Anyway even though they would sometimes work with them or help them for free, which was what happened most of the time now that he thought about it, they mentioned pay but never took anything from them or anyone else for that matter… - when he saw them focusing more on individuals and specific conflicts, the Shinsengumi couldn’t fix, them relying on morals -stupidly- rather than protocol…even if they paid them, Hijikata was waiting for the day they would quit.

“Oi! SOFA-Kun don’t squirt that evil condiment over the food!!!”

This was the source of the problems most of the time, if he could only handle his kids or act like an adult rather than just expect everything to blow over and let someone else do this lazy bum’s job.

“Sogo! Maybe we wanna calm down?”

A voice of reason that was maybe almost sometimes never helpful, and worst of all his commander would mostly only get hurt or ridiculed.

“Nah, No thanks KondoSan! If I stop running now, this damn Sadist will catch me!”

He knew one of the problems of this co-habitant relationship, would be Sogo and China’s fights, they would be to big to contain and they would end up destroying the Shinsengumi as if Sogo and his bakooza weren’t enough.

“Oi, stop saying that as if you’re not a Sadist too, and at an extreme!”

-As if you’re not either!-

Which he tried to keep from saying it verbally, trying to de-escalate the situation rather than start fighting with the Yorozuya, but someone beat him to opening his mouth once again.

“I’m getting overly tired of trying to settle this patiently! Everyone! Kagura sit down! And stop climbing walls!”

Another straight man, another voice of reason, Hijikata was still trying to decide if it helped any or not.

“That’s not normal.”
The Yorozuya stated, -oh so ironically- he might add.

Sigh  

Even if Hijikata had mentally prepared himself it would never be enough, with the constant fighting and as too early for this, they were just getting breakfast and now the Shinsengumi’s mess hall looked like a tornado of mayo hit it, which Hijikata would normally be happy about, but now the laundry bill was going to go up and apart from that it was the paperwork he was going to have to run again with the costs of people complaining how they had to get other food, because mayo got all over their food, which Hijikata didn’t see the problem with, just eat it- But anyway, it was all his mayonnaise, being distributed-   everywhere.
Most of his men had already creeped away slowly, protecting their own bodies.

While - someone - , didn’t even bother to stop the chaos instead protecting his dessert, which Hijikata wasn’t going to ask where he got a parfait from.

“Stop running you damn Shinsengumi’s dog!”
That was China chasing Sogo up the walls, he wasn’t surprised Sogo could match her speed.

“Ha- KaguraChan! Ha-Ack!”

-He should really stop trying.-
The Shimura glasses boy had been running after them and had been hit with flying mayo for the seventh time in a row. Meanwhile Kondo was standing while trying to call them down but inevitably being hit with mayo.

“Oi, you started this, bringing that dog food in here.”

-The Yorozuya called him out while hoarding his food under his arms.-

* crash *

“Mayonnaise is the best condiment in the system, and who is it that began to chase Sogo?!”

Hijikata irritatedly began to light a cigarette, trying not to look, well literally anywhere.

Gintoki suddenly stood up after giving up on his less-than-healthy meal.
“What the hell is ‘the system’, and Kagura only began to chase Sofa around because he sprayed her with that expired mayo!”

* crash *

“Maybe you and your diabetic self should just shut the hell up and stop escalating everything!”
Hijikata faced him finally mad, or finally bursting.

“ Oh, I’m escalating things? I’m not the one who started to yell! ”

Gintoki now standing in front of him and pushing a finger towards his chest. He was about fuming when suddenly he felt someone bump into him, probably the glasses boy because of his stature, and that caused him to fall…     right      on         top      of Gin- the Yorozuya. His face landing right next to Gintoki’s, and when they both had realized, Hijikata pushed himself off and found himself sitting on his crotch area, and he swears he felt his ass against his…

Hijikata stood up suddenly.

“I’m going outside.”

Leaving a displeased Gintoki behind.

Over the first week, Hijikata began to notice how much easier it was to avoid a situation by stepping out and not coming back. Many would call that negligence but he calls it:
“Taking a smoke.”
He puffed out a cloud of his own dissatisfaction.

He stayed outside for a good half a minute, before being interrupted yet again.

“Some of that damn condiment went in my eye.”
-Of course, it was the Yorozuya.-

Hijikata turned around.

It was all over him.

…

“Take a look at yourself!-Damn it!-It’s not just your eye!”

“Eh? Is that you Oogushi-kun? I can’t see very well.”
He said to cluelessly care-free, given what was going on inside. He could hear the destruction that was occurring and the problems that would follow him, like a lingering irritating nickname.

“Again! Stop calling me Oogushi-kun! And wipe your face!”

Worst part, he was also in Shinsengumi uniform but without the scarf or jacket, like most of the time, they had fought because of that before, managing to keep it mostly verbal with the exception of a bit of tugging at their clothes. Hijikata getting away with unbuttoning his shirt halfway down and Gintoki with messing up his hair and jacket and he’s pretty sure he took his scarf because he lost that one. Kagura passed by with Sogo behind her and said they should ‘get a room’, Sogo started to snicker. He brushed that out of his memory.

“Yeesh got it, no Oogushi, soo~ Toshi then?”

All the mayo magically melted off his body leaving only tiny smears he brushed away easily.

“That’s not me.”

“Well~…”

Hijikata glared at him.

“-Toshiro.”

Gintoki finished.

“Whatever.”

Hijikata fumbled a little with the cigarette when he heard his name. 

“Hey, I’m sorry for Kagura, it’s a mess in there.”
He said glancing back inside and back to him. Rubbing the back of his head.

“It’s fine I really don’t want to think about it at this point.”

Gintoki stayed silent.

“Don’t get me wrong; I’ll stop it if it gets out of hand, but what the point of trying to talk it out with you people.”

He thought Gintoki was about to say something but then stayed silent. Hijikata walked away, hearing the increase in noise as the two fought viciously rather than verbally at this point. He walked past the open door and didn’t hear the sound of metal cutting past wood and burying itself with a pierce of air. Until he saw a steel piece flying right towards him.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw how Gintoki reached out in front of him and blocked whatever was coming towards him, with his left hand, and with his right hand he pushed Hijikata’s side behind him in a protective movement.

“Gin-san! Hijikata-san!”
The voices drowned back in after Hijikata reacted.

“Gin-chan! You’re bleeding!”

“It’s nothing. More importantly, which one of you threw it?”
Sogo and China both pointed at each other. He sounded mad which was understandable, as was Hijikata until his anger turned into almost worry. He saw a huge amount of blood stream down his wrist and a red line extended to his elbow. Thankfully, his sleeves were rolled up, as to not stain the shirt.

“Hijikata-san can take you to the clinic.”
He heard Sogo slip in, suggestively.

“You’re not getting out of cleaning.”

He warned him, but felt Gintoki’s harsh grunts in front of him.

Gintoki’s hand had long left his side and now he turned to face him, holding his hand up in his other palm. Hijikata made him follow him silently to the med, more like a large room with two beds and a supply closet.

Gintoki sat on a bed watching as Hijikata looked through the cabinets.

“Do you think you need stitches?”

“Yeah.”

Hijikata fumbled with a box, bandages, gauze, antiseptic, and a bottle of alcohol, that Gintoki found amusing they had in there.
“Replacement anesthesia.”

“I don’t think I need that.”

“I do.”

He said setting the stuff down on the bed. He took Gintoki’s hand, seeing how it had been cut through his palm and was now almost black and dripping blood slowly. Hijikata took the alcohol and drank. He offered it to Gintoki who also drank more than needed.

“Tastes expensive. Is this an apology or a thanks?”
He smirked, but Hijikata was avoiding his eyes as he cleaned his wound with water.

“For some, that’s the last bit of alcohol they’re ever going to drink.”
Finally shutting up Gintoki.

He grabbed the antiseptic and washed his own hands with it before cleaning his hand with it, surprisingly Gintoki didn’t flinch or groan as many do, he endured it fully and threw his head back slightly, just scrunching his face.

“A warning would have been nice.”

“We can start with the formalities whenever you want.”
Hijikata said smirking to himself.

He proceeded to clean his wound with more water and added some numbing cream that he discovered worked well on himself, it also left no scars, he’d have more on his face and everywhere else if it didn’t.
He placed gauze to further stop any bleeding and then the bandages. Only until he was almost done, did he speak.

“Did your senses dull with the mayo?”

Gintoki knew he was thinking about it.

“Your instincts are still reckless as ever.”
Hijikata stated almost bored with it.

“I didn’t hear anything gracious from that.”

-Bastard, he’d already helped him with his injury.-

“You were saying~?”

Gintoki looked at him expectantly but with a grin and low eyes.

“Drink.”

Hijikata stated plainly, shoving the alcohol into his chest. Hijikata turned to clean up.
He would throw the gauze and store everything else, before slipping off his jacket.

“The ac’s broken.”

Hijikata put down his jacket on the counter. Yet another thing he would need to get Yamazaki to fix.

“Come sit and drink.”
Gintoki patted next to him with a smile.

They sat by themselves in complete silence, cooperatively sharing a bottle. He occasionally glanced over at the Yorozuya beside himself, seeing his fingers lightly brush his own as he hands the bottle back to him. The warm air circulated inside with a soft breeze, they weren’t generating any thermal energy, other than the heat that was rising to their heads causing a light leak of color on Gintoki’s face, and a strong mask of blush on Hijikata’s. Hijikata tried to hide it since he knew how he blushed all the way up to his ears. But watching Gintoki part his mouth lightly and spread the collar of his shirt… just because of the alcohol… it was hot.

It was getting hot.

“Just how strong is that shit?”

“It says 50%alcohol 10% sugar 40% drugs and a 100% paid with the people’s taxes.”

“Smart-ass”

He said dryly.

“What types of drugs are they?”

“Not saying.”

“Give me the damn bottle.”

“No.”

He smirked, pushing the bottle to his left farther from Hijikata.

“Are you the type to look for problems when you’re drunk?”

Not that they haven’t gotten been out drinking together, but Hijikata didn’t want him to remember that. Hijikata always got black out drunk because it’s like he couldn’t control himself around him, Gintoki would push him to the limit, without worrying about the consequences, somehow he always wound up back in bed, but when he asked Kondo or Yamazaki, they didn’t even know he was out. Sogo was always around but Hijikata got the sense he lied to him, “Oh, Danna brought you back, he carried your lazy ass all the way back here, and had to deal with your drunken complaining until he set you in bed.”-Maybe it wasn’t so much a lie, but back then, he couldn’t believe the Yorozuya would go that far as to help him, he barely got that far to help himself.-

“Just hand it over.”
He felt himself gaining a headache.

“Grab it yourself.”

Gintoki said nonchalantly waving it in front of his face. Hijikata knew he was going to make him work for it. But there really wasn’t any other way, so he reached to grab it quickly, but Gintoki held it over his head. Laughing lightly as Hijikata got on one knee to reach it, then the other as Gintoki held it farther away. When he finally came to grasp at it, he was almost in the same position as half a hour earlier in the dining hall. With a knee between Gintoki’s legs and an arm pushing his shoulders down. He swiped the alcohol, sitting back in place, muttering “asshole” under his breath.

He sat back, glancing over the label on the glass bottle.

“You’re more likely to find trouble when you’re drunk; you’re the ignorant type of bastard when you’re high.”

“Maybe that’s only an attitude I’ve developed from working with you.”

“No, you’ve always had a big mouth, but it’s more reckless when it’s drunk.”

-Was he giving his mouth pronouns? Why is he staring so intently?!-

“You- You’re lying.”

“Nope, you almost started a fight with a bunch of thugs from a bike gang. If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t have been awake the next morning.”

Hijikata was never more pissed when he would stir him up, like he was trying to make a fool out of him, but looked so calmly, high and mighty himself.

“What about you? You’re a worse disaster, sleeping on the streets? I’m surprised you haven’t been killed or kidnapped.”

“I’m not saying I’m not, but you’re going to get into trouble one day, and Gin-san won’t be there to help you out.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“Sure you don’t, you’re really violent and also really touchy.”

-What the hell does that mean?-

He looked pensive, as if he was recollecting something.

“If you didn’t drive me crazy when we’re drinking, then maybe I wouldn’t have a reason to be.”

Ok… maybe he was grabbing at straws right now, but that was no reason for him to burst out laughing so suddenly after hearing it.

His wide smile was way to bright for anyone to be mad at, so he let his walls down internally, letting his argument fall.

He turned away as he felt his blush spread  brighter than before.

…

“Aren’t you off today, by the way?”

He was wearing the uniform.

“Oh, I just wanted you to think I was working, also, Yamazaki who counts the hours.”

He said so simply, shamelessly.

“You already have all the liberty in the world to do whatever you want, do you really have to rip us off in the process?”

This was completely true, when they hired them they said they weren’t going to be any one’s dogs, so they said they could refuse to work and take days off whenever they needed to, they were more like consultants, who also took the liberty of extortion, which Hijikata knew they’d do and protested against, but Kondo San didn’t listen, saying how they needed good people and something else he really didn’t pay attention to because he’d already know what would come of it.

“I’m sure it’s no more than what you tax-collectors steal from everyone else’s pockets.”

“I’m sure the only reason you guys agreed to work with us is because you wanted to avoid paying any taxes.”  
He sipped from the bottle.

“What taxes?”
He grinned.

“You realize you’re confessing your tax evasion to an officer, right?”

His smile faded.
”Also…”

…

“Would it really be so bad if I say we joined to spend time with you guys.”

Hijikata wasn’t expecting that to hit him like a train.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, Kagura and Sogo like spending most of their time together, and Kondo gets to see Otae at least once a day when she comes visit Shinpachi with lunch or something...”-

-And the head of the Yorozuya?-

He waited but he never said, so Hijikata shut his eyes and sighed.

“Of course it would.. you- you confuse me, my thoughts get jumbled together and it all just comes out as nonsense.. you piss me off.. maybe it’s your recklessness, I don’t know.”

“What if I say I joined to spend more time together with you? Drinking, talking, I don’t know-fuuucking-doing whatever! I just.. didn’t want you to hate me.”

It was a lot to take in from the perm head right now, especially with the hangover he was feeling going over his head, that was probably the reason his heart was beating faster now and he saw Gintoki sweat increasingly.

“Then why try and start a fight whenever you saw me?”

“Ahh, I don’t know, it’s just- probably the only thing we had in common back then, if we weren’t fighting together, we were fighting each other. It turned into a habit, I think, I should have probably apologized, but you were also starting fights by then.”

He laughed at those last words quietly but wholeheartedly, like the rest of the truth.

He was right.

..

“Ahh~, I don’t hate you.”

Headmitted, but that really took the other by surprise. He saw Gintoki flustered at first and then he avoided his gaze rubbing the back of his neck, shifting his hair with his fingers.

Hijikata mused

-It’s not that big of a deal.-

He only chuckled a little, but he should have known he had to watch himself near him, his guard was down for the first time in a while and the smell of alcohol was everywhere. He had loosened his collar maybe too much like he was staring at the others strong neck too much, but the humidity made their skin shine. Hijikata should have been paying attention more on his face, a small smile whilst facing the other, head rested against the wall behind them, and face red with the shine of sake on his lips and eyes.

Gintoki could only think of how the vice commander forgot he had such a sex appeal to go along with the rest of his kind words.

He was rarely like this-

“Sorry.. but if I don’t do this now, I’m going to go crazy.”

Gintoki shifted in place extending a hand towards Hijikata.

“What are you-“

He was caught off guard when Gintoki’s hand cupped his jaw so lightly. Gintoki moved in front of him, trapping him between himself and the wall behind them and the emotional wall between them.

With every inch he moved he pressed Hijikata further against the wall, as he leaned in and tilted his head, his hair fell a little.

Hijikata was gripping the bottle too tightly, his mouth somehow gaped seeing how Gintoki’s eyes were low and he was seductively twining his fingers in his, pinning his hands at his sides, with the very hand he had cured.

He was too close, and his eyes were asking for the obvious, Hijikata noticed all this and froze in place.

Hijikata somehow still managed to hold some dignity in his expression looking straight at Gintoki with a provoking frown until...          

“I like you.”

He dropped the bottle on the bed. Gintoki gently leaned in a little more, connecting their lips lightly. Hijikata froze, looking down at the white-perm, but didn’t dare move, after all, Gintoki was holding down his wrists.

Gintoki pressed himself against him a little more and Hijikata felt, how Gintoki was chewing on his lower lip a little, there was saliva connecting both of their lips now. Hijikata felt his lips get wet, and warm, his insides were stirring, and it was because… of the al-alcohol, yes-

What’s worse is that he felt his body succumb to Gintoki’s kiss, and his eyes got heavy by themselves, it wasn’t him-hah- it was the alcohol, ahh-

But he liked it, no his lips liked it, being nipped and rubbed so gently, so-so much, that when Gintoki lightly separated to change angles, Hijikata felt himself kiss back, the only way he knew how, however it felt natural, like the other’s lips.

And then he pressed into him and Hijikata had no choice but to open his mouth for Gintoki to slip his tongue inside him. It was all too foreign for Hijikata who just kept letting him do whatever he asked for with his mouth. This one moment of his own stupid vulnerability, turned into a behind-closed-doors make-out session in the Shinsengumi med room. The only sounds, coming from their wet kiss, as Gintoki lapped Hijikata’s soft-moist lips over and over again.

-Hhmmm~Hijikata hadn’t realized he had hummed before Gintoki paused to savor it, lips still alive and touching tenderly.

Hijikata ran his tongue on Gintoki’s, too far in to back out now, he was breathing heavily by now. Gintoki locked his lips once to slow his pace, and pecked him gently once more and their lips retracted with a quiet smack of saliva.

Hijikata’s mouth hot- and sweet, the heat crossed over his face and down everywhere, every part of his body. He was burning so much so he didn’t feel his numbed hand between Gintoki’s hair on the back of his head or his heartbeat staring back at his fiery eyes.

By the time he had retracted himself and pushed the other man away, for him to collect his thoughts, his fiery face was already out of his, he ran out and away from the source of all his craziness, all his problems.

Though, that same face, chuckled quietly in small triumph, thinking he was relatively happy, even for just that moment.

Chapter Text

It was just a kiss, shared saliva, Hijikata never thought much about anything like that. He’d never have spared a thought to physical intimacy with someone, unless he was backed up and even then he’d just focus on relieving himself and not spare a thought towards the other person, it wasn’t like he could anyway, he was busy enough with the Shinsengumi. He only got some relief when climaxing, and even after then, he had to come back to his senses.

But that kiss- somehow made him forget a world of pain… it was still imprinted on his lips, he couldn’t shake the burning feeling, especially of his lower lip. He caressed it softly with two lingering fingers. It wasn’t his fault was it? No, the alcohol, maybe Gintoki had mistaken him for someone else, maybe the blood loss was really severe, that it drove him to…

{                     “I like you.”                      }

For one reason or another, his confession ticked him off because he’d never admit he was nervous.

Anyway, Hijikata thought it really mature to lock himself in his room for the entire day just burying himself in paper work because he wanted to this time. He knew the Yorozuya’s presence would be roaming around the Shinsengumi on his off day, so he’d be safe trapped in his island room. Not that he was avoiding the other, he could easily find him here, just try probably wouldn’t.

“Hijikata~?”

-Shit.-

“What do you want?”

He tried his best to act collected and unfazed even though he had been slumped over his desk not two seconds ago, in agonizing shame and possibly a slight hangover.

“You forgot your jacket, I would have brought it back earlier but I got the sense you were avoiding me.”

-And he still was.- But unfortunately for him, Gintoki ignored his internal thoughts.

“Why would I be avoiding you?”

When he go no reply from Gintoki, he thought it was in spite, he sighed.

“Oh, you remember that? I thought you still had mayo in your eyes, and didn’t realize it was me.”

-Like hell he believed that, he might even be mad, considering… everything-ahh! Why did he have to grow a conscience towards the bastard now?-

…

Out of the strong silence of his quiet movement, he felt his aura near a little closer. He was walking a fine line too, but had the presence of a ninja.

“Call it drunk confidence, but I meant it.”

…He was unsure how to respond to that, if he was supposed to respond. - What were his feelings towards Gintoki? Either way, he was going to turn him down, right?-

In truth he already had an underlying conscience when it came to Gintoki, it was his understanding of him, apart from every foolish thing he had ever done, all that he has done for him.

Hijikata isn’t one to forget.

-They had always only seen each other’s backs. Only when they were righteously fighting to the death, did they show the vulnerable parts of themselves. Until now. Did Gintoki expect him to just, what? throw himself into his arms? Open up more than he already did? And it was only ever to him.-

Hijikata was never more conflicted, questioning-whether, this was a violation of his trust…or for it.

There was a few minutes of silence, Gintoki gifted him, as he stepped a little closer to where he was.

He took out a good glassy bottle of white sake.

“Get that away from me, I’m never drinking with you again.”

That seemed to have bothered him a little, maybe hurt, Hijikata didn’t want to care.

“Hijikata, If your answer is what I’m thinking, then how do you expect to maintain a professional relationship with me after?”

-He means the same relationship. And what irked him the most, is that he was right, but could they ignore this had ever happened?- Hijikata’s frown deepened as his eyes did, turning a shade of sky blue as he stared at the bottle of liquor.

“I promise not to do anything this time.”-

He glanced at his hand, the one with the injury.

…

There was suspense in his movements as his hand slid through air to swipe the bottle by the neck, opening the lid.

“That’s the kind of thing, you can’t say if you still want this ‘normal’.”

He almost grinned in Gintoki’s view but turned away, unaware his ears were red with blush from something other than embarrassment.

“There’s cups in the cabinet over there.”

And they poured into each other’s cup, but there was an way how Gintoki held his stare on him, it was piercing.

And they drank in a pertinacious silence.

Eventually Hijikata let his drunk self steer his words and the non-existing conversation.

~“Gintoki? Why can’t we stay as it is?”~

“It’s not enough.”~

~“What about me do you even like?”~

Thankfully, Gintoki still held onto his soberness, enough to recognize that Hijikata, if he remembered this, would be enraged at an honest reply.

“Your eyes.”~ He smiled.

~”That’s it?”~

Hijikata looked deep in thought, as his drunken face lit up, like he had the best idea ever.

He turned to face Gintoki, for the first time since speaking, and he reached out to touch his eyes and brush up to draw his hair back. Gintoki flinched but realized how softly Hijikata was grazing his skin, this was the first time he’d touched him like this.

Hijikata pressed his forehead against Gintoki’s, who was startled from the sudden boldness but even more surprised to see Hijikata’s face so close as his eyes shone bright against his. He never noticed how nice the hue actually was, a deep dark blue, like the color of a katana washed in water. And thick eyelashes that lined his eyes fully. His skin was light and soft. He’s beautiful to say the least, and really freaking close.

~”Then, is this enough?”~

He asked with curious-cautious eyes.

Gintoki could almost feel Hijikata’s breath on his lips, and his nose rubbing against his, which was just cute to Gintoki, his blush masked his own face and it seemed like Gintoki was contagious to it. So, of course it wasn’t enough.

~“Hijikata…”

-Move- Before he couldn’t keep his promise.

He moved away voluntarily. And took the bottle to gulp quite a lot down.

“Hey, slow down there.”~

He slumped onto the table in front of them.

~“Such a nuisance… why did anything have to change? You asshole bastard why did you have to go and say something? Fucking perm… everything was perfectly fine.. I was perfectly satisfied with how things were, dumbass.”~

…

Somehow, Gintoki could still use this to his advantage, it’s both their faults for letting go like this, but Hijikata was taking a risk and Gintoki was risk-taking.

“When did you ever back down from a fight… fukucho?”~

~Hah~He’s no coward…~

~“I told you to call me Toshiro, Gintoki.”-

-Fuck, really?- It was getting really hard to keep his promise, when he was already bearing the soft eyes Hijikata was looking at him with. Now he had to watch his lips, tinted with a red darker than blush, say words he really-really liked, but still couldn’t touch him. ~

“Toshiro.”~

Partly because no one called him that, it felt wrong but somehow soothing from him. Hijikata dozed off and then fell asleep using his arms to pillow his head.

Gintoki eyed him tiredly, he pushed himself up to be able to carry the sleeping vice-commander bridal style to bed. He laid him down gently as his head fell against an actual pillow.

“Falling asleep in front of me like this, It’s all definitely your fault.”~

Gintoki would have up and left, but he hadn’t noticed when Hijikata gripped a piece of his yukata, and was holding onto it tightly like life depended on it. He wasn’t softening his grip any time soon, and Gintoki felt as though he was about to pass out, so he aimed a piece of paper like a throwing star and switched off the lights.

-

-

-

-

-

-

-

When he woke up, he didn’t expect the first thing he would see was an unwanted visitor under his covers, laying right beside him, definitely breathing too close, Hijikata almost had a heart attack because of the fool. His entire self was plopped right behind him and extending a shadow of someone else’s presence right on him.

And he hadn’t even felt the arm that was snaked around his torso.

Hijikata’s first instinct was to pry it off but unfortunately for him, it seemed like Gintoki’s reflexes were set to hold him tighter, slamming him against his chest.

“Ugh.”

This was annoyingly warm, so much so it was killing him to say he didn’t hate it, but-fuck that thought right now- He shifted in place trying to position his legs in a way for him to sit up and his arms trying to move Gintoki’s surprisingly strong one.

“Oi, Hijikata stop moving, you’ll get me excited.”

His voice sounded nothing like he’d just woken up.

“You’re awake?! You asshole. Let. Go.”

“Mmm, maybe, let me think about it for a few minutes though.”

-This.. Bastard!- He just wanted to sleep more. And with him under his damn snare.

“You said you wouldn’t do anything.”

He said slightly succeeding in moving Gintoki’s arm away and over him.

“And I didn’t, but you on the other hand.”

He faltered and the arm came back over him.

Hijikata closed his eyes, trying to remember what had happened the night before, his memory was fuzzy though, he did remember someone, probably Gintoki, call his name out and then it was all dark.

“What did I do?”

He would have more of a concern if he didn’t trust his drunk self enough, but partly the reason he did decide to be poured one, is because he knew he wouldn’t do anything, and he trusted Gintoki to keep his word. Hijikata was always a controlled drinker, but when he did get tipsy, at times when he had to drag Sogo and rally Kondo back to the Shinsengumi, he would somehow get there in one piece, or maybe several when Kondo decided to disperse of his clothing, either way, he thought he was getting silver hairs from it, even in his twenties, yet another reminder of the Yorozuya.

“If you let me sleep with you like this for a few more minutes, then I’ll tell you.”

It was a good deal, and the curiosity and embarrassment were going to bother him if he didn’t know. On the other hand, this was shameless of Gintoki, and Hijikata couldn’t help protesting.

“Tch, pervert! We have a morning assessment.”

“Sleep off the hangover.”

Gintoki ignored him and started to drift away with Hijikata in his hold. Hijikata thought he was right though he did have a small headache. He could feel the warmth of Gintoki’s breath to the back of his neck, and the idleness of his voice was infecting him somehow, it was toxic, but he wanted to doze off too in the end~ -Shit-.

“Don’t you share a room with your kids? Aren’t they going to ask where you were?”

“Relax, they were fast asleep when I left the room.”

Hijikata sighed letting go of the breath he had been holding back and let the tension in his body go, and Gintoki seemed to appreciate this by how he loosened his grip on the already-drowsy Hijikata.

-

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-

Maybe it was this bastard’s ability to be laconic, that made anything he said sound relaxing, and that pissed Hijikata to a point.

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“Ehh-?”

Yamazaki was still trying to comprehend what he was seeing, which wa-is.. Hijikata-san sleeping in the same bed as Danna, sleeping with, or rather, sleeping on Danna.

Hijikata blinked.

-Aaaaaah!!! The light! The light from outside is waking him up! He’s going to get threatened for sure! Hit, threatened, and involved in whatever this is!!-

-Ah, he should close the door! Quickly, maybe he won’t realize it was him.-

A hand caught the door, right before he closed it.

-Aaaah! He’s dead for sure!!! He was only doing a favor for KondoSan, since Hijikata-san didn’t show up for breakfast!!! He didn’t want to go out like this yet!-

Hijikata’s mug appeared before him and he knew he was in for it. He was pulled inside, the sound the the door sliding smack shut was the only thing that followed.

Gintoki yawned and stretched from his spot. Not batting an eye to Yamazaki but saying:

“You know, Yamazaki-san, it’s very rude to come spy on people while they’re sleeping.”

He proceeded to stand up, and face Hijikata like he was doing right then. Yamazaki couldn’t tell if he was annoyed or irritated or maybe just tired from being woken up.

-Danna! He’s got it all wrong! He didn’t try to spy! How could he have known! He wakes the Vice Chief regularly most days!-

“Jimmy-kun, I know it’s your job to be a stalker, but there’s boundaries and lines you don’t cross.”

-What?!!! Boundaries?! It looks to him like he was the only one who’s been crossing every single one with fukucho! All lines have been crossed!!!-

“Yamazaki!-“

Hijikata-San suddenly was really close and slammed an unguarded Yamazaki against the shoji wall. He looked straight into his eyes in the least feel-y type of way, with burning rage and threat.

“-You can’t tell anybody what you just saw, pretend it was a dream!-Yeah an illusion-Come to think of it, why didn’t you knock!?”

-He did knock!!! Was he sleeping so soundly in Danna’s arms-that he didn’t hear him?!!! -

“Oi! Don’t write it off as a dream!”

Gintoki suddenly sounded annoyed.

“Shut up! This is your fault!”

Hijikata turned to him, taking his eyes off sweaty Yamazaki for just a few seconds before-

“Umm, Hijikata-san can you let go of me, I swear not to say anything.”

Hijikata turned back to Yamazaki and let him go with a warning in his glare.

“If you say anything, you’re done for.”

-Eh. Great. He knew it. Shaken up and threatened.-

Hijikata moved away to the dresser on the other side of the room. He stripped his sleepwear yukata and started changing into his uniform. Meanwhile Yamazaki was awkwardly standing an arm’s length away from the Yorozuya, who was still eyeing Hijikata-san incredulously. Yamazaki noticed, however Danna was looking smiling, and noticed a glimpse of a glint in his eye. It was warming, although strange for him.

Yamazaki got red.

Out of the sheer curiosity, he decided to risk his face and asked:

“Umm, Vice-Commander? Does this mean, you and Danna are.. together?”

…

“That’s not your business Yamazaki.”

The Vice-Commander snapped at him, like he knew he would, he hated his position right now, but as he stared at Gintoki he was subtly entranced for whatever reason.

Yamazaki stared at Hijikata a little closer, his ears were red, blushing. Which made Yamazaki blush, wishing he could leave, but he wasn’t excused yet.

Hijikata walked past him and out the door, not before shoving a uniform into Gintoki’s hands and Gintoki following suit.

“Oi, you might have made me miss breakfast, pay up.”

“Sure, I’ll take you out later.”

“Not what I meant.”

He heard Hijikata-san say to Danna, before their voices became muffled with space and the door between them.

-Why Danna and HijikataSan?!!! He’s doomed if Captain Okita finds out! And since when?!!!-

He thought about trying to break the whole thing down when he realized he didn’t even have time for that.

-Who was he kidding?!?!?! The 1st division Captain is practically on autopilot for finding blackmail! And there are over 100 people here!! Someone will find out, and then they’ll spread rumors, and then there’s bound to be one who screws up and lets HijikataSan know. He’s dead!-

Sudden realization came to Yamazaki’s eyes. And he finally calmed down enough, to step outside.

He closed Hijikata’s door.

For him it felt like an epiphany.

-He’ll just have to make sure, that no one finds out.-

…

Impossible.

They reached the showers quickly for Hijikata to wash his face and Gintoki to change because he followed him here. Hijikata finished changing when Gintoki did, and couldn’t help stare at the reflection as he changed, except Gintoki caught him and then couldn’t help but wink.

“Like what you see?”

A smirk that Hijikata replied with a scoff and rolling his eyes he turned himself around. Though he did wonder how Gintoki managed to keep his body the way it was, when all he watched him do was eat and sleep on repeat. He had a physique dominant to his. They tended to themselves in their own quiet silence. Hijikata somehow liked this domestic feeling, knowing the sounds of someone familiar close by. He’d already let his guard down, what’s a little more?

“Yo, Hijikata-kun, help me with this scarf thing.”

Gintoki caught him midway finished with drying his face, but Hijikata stood muttering something under his damp breath. “If you need help-just ask.” It was pretty cute for Gintoki; watching him mumble and furrow his brow.

…

Gintoki reached out to gently press his hand between his eyes, Hijikata flinched.

“You want me to show you what you did?”

That interested him immediately, he nodded as Gintoki pressed against his head again.

“You pushed my hair back like this.”

-Wow.-

He credited himself for finding this new side to the vice commander. New skin exposed with some hairs already falling back in place as Gintoki’s large hand brushed his silky black hair back, he looked so fucking attractive, he most definitely had the eyes for it. Gintoki wasn’t aware of whether he was making a face or not, but Hijikata was staring at him with curious eyes.

“You pressed your forehead to mine”

Hijikata looked straight into his eyes the entire time, his red eyes were like a war he couldn’t back down from. Gintoki’s eyes were telling him to return his same gaze, so he tried, in this close proximity, it was overwhelmingly risky. He was keeping control over the heat rising to his head. Gintoki brushed his nose against his briefly, and Hijikata couldn’t help break his fierce gaze to stare with doe eyes and a different expression. Whether Gintoki did that on purpose or accidentally, he didn’t know.

And for some reason his eyes landed on Gintoki’s lips. Hijikata’s own steady breathing grew chaste and his physical instinct was burning, telling him to move.

Disappointingly enough, Gintoki moved away, and found himself turning his face away from Hijikata.

“Really pointless in the first place, your hair was still in the way, if you’re going to do that push your own hair back too.”

Gintoki was picking up his things with the darkest blush on his face, that you will ever see on someone. He realized that- Hijikata was capable of loving him. -

-What if someone had walked in?!- Hijikata was thinking that that was stupid of himself.

…

“Why did I do that in the first place?”

Hijikata assumed the silence was awkward.

“I said I liked your eyes.”

He said it too nonchalantly for Hijikata’s taste.

“You can have them.”

Hijikata said with a solemn tone.

“?” Gintoki sent him a confused look.

“These eyes have seen everything I’ve done.”

He closed them, like remembering the warmth of his eyelids. Gintoki just watched his dark eyelashes form a thick and curved line that added to the lukewarm feeling altogether.

“Those eyes have seen everything you’ve survived.”

He said it for Hijikata to understand and digest the severity of his words.

“We both know, I’m more than a survivor.”

Hijikata showed him small standoffish smile while his eyes were still closed.

“At least you weren’t born with blood red eyes.”

Gintoki always shed a little bit of his light on him, which he reciprocated.

“You’re right, having to live with, for example, a curly white perm my whole life, would be much worse.”

His tone was playful, and he opened his eyes with a laugh that was uplifting to Gintoki, who tried his best to sound insulted.

“Hey! It’s not like you’re the main character, this is part of the bullshit lead role.”

“Or maybe it’s just genetics that weren’t on your side.”

His laugh softly turned into a grin.

“…I’m glad they were on yours.”

-Fuck- He slipped that in so casually, Hijikata didn’t have time to hide his flush as it came with the bolt out of the blue. He turned away.

“The steam in here finally went to your head… Lets go.”

He stood and reached for the exit, waiting for Gintoki to follow.

Maybe a subtle warning, he wasn’t too sure, but he did remind him of the cause, that was a pending thought.

()

Just a few minutes ago, outside, Yamazaki  was standing in the connecting hall trying to give long directions that lead completely lead away from there, to a trainee trying to find a bathroom.

Chapter Text

“Gin-chan, did you wake up earlier today? You weren’t there in the morning. Were you helping Toshi with something? Both of you came in together.”

“Eh, Kagura what’s with the sudden question and reasoning?”

She’s suspicious of it, Hijikata didn’t blame her, in fact he blamed himself, he should have known they had to walk in separately. If she’s already wary of it, Hijikata wondered how soon she and Sogo  would figure it out… maybe it’d be over before then. He glanced over at Kagura who was sitting next to Sogo. He thought about what reaction she’d have, her and Gintoki’s interactions were less father-daughter, more mother-son.

“I just got up early to go buy something.”

Kagura made a face.

-Even he wouldn’t believe it. -

“You went out in your pj’s?”

-Not what he meant.-

“No, in uniform.”

Shimura decided to speak.

“But all your clothes were still in the room.”

“Then why is Toshi sitting with us today?”

Kagura ignored Shimura’s statement and moved on which Hijikata was thankful for.

“Because he lent me the uniform.”-

“Because Kondo is also here.”-

Hijikata chimed in unaffected by their innate inquiry, evidently at the same time as Gintoki.

“But normally you two can’t stand to sit next to each other for more than three minutes?”

He went back to eating, but flinched when he felt Gintoki almost choke on his food.

- She’s been counting?!-

Of course, Hijikata didn’t know they bet, often.

“Kagura-chan leave it alone. ”

Gintoki sighed. -Thank you Shinpachi, I’ll never doubt you again.-

“Besides isn’t it good that they get along better.”

Shinpachi whispered in Kagura’s air, so neither him or Gintoki caught what he said, just that Kagura backed down and continued to stuff her face.

“I guess.”

She leaned back on Sadaharu , using him as a pillow.

“Excuse me, Kondo-san, Hijikata-san, Captain Okita, and Yorozuya company, we have a mission, everyone is waiting.”

Yamazaki appeared behind Kondo and Sogo

“Oh, Yamazaki, thank you, excuse us, let’s go Toshi, Sakata-san, …Sogo.”

They all turned to watch how Sogo and Kagura engaged in a thumb war and proceeding to fight with their chopsticks - just pick a game - when one of them finally prevailed the other would have to let them dunk their face into the bowl in front of them.

“See ya, China girl.”

Sogo stood up, not leaving without having some noodles in his nose, waving towards Kagura who had pork on her hair, and was returning his sly grin with a tongue-out type of rebuttal.

“Let’s go.”

-He motioned towards Gintoki, who got up out of frustration.

“Have fun Gin-chan!”

-K

“What’s fun about a stakeout?”

-Sh

____________________________________

“This is the place?”

“That warehouse.”

“Why is it always abandoned buildings, or old warehouses with these creeps?”

“You’re not wrong.”

They were split into six teams of two to five people, surrounding the scene of the illegal operations, a warehouse colored black as the tinted windows and closed doors.

They were both standing on the rooftop of one of the neighboring buildings, there wasn’t a railing but a wall just tall enough they could look over and observe, without being seen. With a pair binoculars placed off to the side, probably supposed to be in use. It was windy, it was almost sunset, and they were near the harbor so it was also cold, and it was all too familiar. Hijikata knew that Gintoki was there, or at least close by the afternoon Mitsuba passed. So he didn’t turn around, until he actually left without saying a word. He’d always draw the line for both of them, so -why couldn’t he appreciate that now?-

“So when do we move in?”

“Later tonight, we need to watch them from all sides, to determine that they stay there, these are slippery bastards, they got away once. Also tag them if they do decide to move. Maybe one of their drivers leads us to their base or clients.”

He pulls something from his jacket.

“Sogo, keep me updated.”

No reply from the other end, he checked the channel and then the battery, of course this wasn’t the first time something similar had happened. Maybe five times with Sogo and once or twice with Kondo.

“Sogo?”

It really wasn’t ever a laughing matter.

“Sogo!”

Static came in, finally.

[“Sorry HijikataSan, the captain is unable to contact you right now.”]

His deadpan expression was all you needed to see.

“Yamazaki! Tell Sogo to Wake The Hell Up.”

[“Sorry what was that HijikataSan?,—— cuttingoff—-“]

Hijikata sighed as he put the radio back in his jacket, it wasn’t the first time he had caught him sleeping on the job. He probably had that red eye mask on.

“Real reliable bunch, I can see why you stress so much.”

He chuckled but it came out as more as a scoff with a small smile sent towards him at the end.

“It’s not like it’s an important case, but we do need to catch these bastards. This is humiliating in the first place, we’re starting to look desperate. This has to be the last mission.”

Gintoki just looked at him. Which was all Hijikata needed to loose the formal work tone.

“Can’t even take a smoke right now.”

“Why not?”

“Working.”

“What’s the problem, I always see you smoking on the job?”

Gintoki mused.

“She told me to quit.”

He didn’t have to bring her up, but it was something that would come up eventually. He would remind Gintoki of his past relationship.

“Maybe you should. But she didn’t… maybe she knew that life, as short as it may be, one needs to have simple pleasures.”

He thought he wouldn’t notice as he moved closer, inching his smug smile into his vision.

“Or maybe you know.”

“Maybe.”

He would probably wish for his cessation, but he already sailed into dangerous waters, and Hijikata as the wind, that let the conversation flow. Because, who else could he open up to like this-? He would trust him with his life when it came down to it, he trusted him with her life. So why couldn’t this be easy sober too?

“She loved you, you know.”

-Hah, of course he knew, they both did, and that made it all worse.-

“Did you love her?”

-…-

“You went as far as to shut her out and leave her behind. You drew the line because you loved her, right?”

“Why do you keep fucking pushing?!”

Hijikata snapped, it seemed to have a minimal effect on Gintoki who just looked at him skeptically then continued.

“Because, in the end.. you regretted it.”

Hijikata’s eyes grew shiny at that statement, he squinted to look away from him and towards the line of sunlight reflecting on the sea. Thinking of everything else but it.

Was he trying to strike him with his own fault, he found. Obviously he didn’t regret it. But he had to see it through to the end for her… And he brainwashed himself into knowing he couldn’t regret limiting this relationship. So this was selfish of Gintoki.

“You can’t change fate.”

-Inevitably he met Gintoki.- The things he tried to avoid: conflict, problems, love… but followed this man nonetheless, those things became footnotes.

“I don’t want you to regret anything, so you don’t have to say anything else for now.”

- He knows he didn’t regret it.-

Frustration turned into respect. Respect turned into admiration… in-denial, then admiration turned into… something else, that.

The light rays of the sunset were hitting the sides of Hijikata’s face and hair, making him appeal softer than he really was.

The sunlight was reflecting in the curly strands of Gintoki’s hair, Hijikata looked mesmerized by the shiny silver, almost metallic white.

-Hah. There’s that other thing.-

Yamazaki heard only static from the faulty radio, as his commander’s voice was cut off by the white noise.

“Sorry what was that Hijikata-san? You’re cutting off.”

Yamazaki tried to move some of the levels around and touch every single button like that would work.

It worked.

“Hijikata-san.”

[“Can’t even take a smoke right now.”]

“Hijikata-san!”

-A faulty radio! They can’t hear him, but he could hear them, there’s other people here, what if they start doing something or talking about something private and they can hear it!!! They’ll hear it!-

[“Why not?”]

-Ah, no, he’s got to turn it off!-

[“Working.”]

- The power doesn’t switch off! -

[“What’s the problem, I always see you smoking on the job?”]

-Neither does the volume! What was he going to do?!!-

[“She told me to quit.”]

Yamazaki knew they were discussing a delicate topic, otherwise the vice-commander wouldn’t bring his last love up, he knew he would only talk about one girl. He started abusing all the buttons at random but that just raised the volume.-

-Ahhhhhh!!!-

[“Maybe you should. But sh-

In front of two other officers, plus the sleeping captain, he smashed the radio on the floor. Breathing intensely when he did.

Hufff*

Huf*

The other two officers looking at him weirdly with inquiry.

The sun would almost set.

It had been quiet for the most part. Nothing coming in from any of the units. Hijikata knew where Gintoki was, leaning behind him, back against the wall. Again, all too nostalgic. And somehow making him nervous every time the wind hit his face.

[ - “Hijikata-san, there’s three vans that are heading north, I’m in pursuit.”]

He turned urgently towards Gintoki’s figure.

“They’re running. It’s time to move in.”

He turned back to the radio.

“Sogo. Whatever you do, tag those vans and don’t let them see you.”

He changed the channel.

“All units move in.”

…

Hijikata and Gintoki jumped down from the building roof, landing on a stairwell, that they climbed to the bottom. And ran.

Hiding behind shadows cast by the cargo or warehouses, they got to the south door, where they met up with another squadron.

The others kicked down the door and steam captain ran in first, with Hijikata and Gintoki behind him.

“SHINSENGUMI! This Is A Raid! You’ve been surrounded. Turn yourselves in!!!”

Gintoki thought it increasingly laughable how they announced themselves. Who else would barge in like this, other than the city’s most famous police force?-

Men pouring in by bits from all sides, the criminals, Gintoki counted about thirty-four already, were screaming and panicked by the droves and displaced themselves into weak links almost immediately. An easy job, thought Gintoki.

“Run!”

“Fight them!”

The criminals hurried towards all sides hoping to get away but as soon as swords started being drawn, they started dropping like flies, at least the ones that fought back.

Hijikata would notice how Gintoki would try to use his own sword as much as possible, although he had one provided to him by Kondo himself but didn’t use it. Hijikata also protested against giving a civilian or “consultant”, a sword when it was perfectly illegal. He also went against the idea, partly because he knew his pride or morals, and he wouldn’t shed light on that blade. Gintoki always brought in the most prisoners too, which was helpful for the investigation. His Bushido was immediately recognized by Hijikata when he met him, and he camouflaged it well with that stick, the fact he was a samurai. Before his investigation on Gintoki, he could have guessed he was a ronin, turns out he was a rebel, a type of ronin, even more so after Gintoki told him what had become of his teacher. After that, Hijikata would trust him with Kondo’s life, but didn’t at the same time, the admiration, turned into a slight thirst for validation, that Gintoki quickly shut down, telling Hijikata straight up that they were the same. He couldn’t believe it when Gintoki told him he was grateful towards him. After that Hijikata only heard one thing slip out of his mouth, he had the heart of a samurai, he had Bushido, he never wanted to learn that from him, but comparing themselves felt so natural, that whatever Gintoki said, was in his favor, and whatever Hijikata would do was in his. It was a bind between them, Gintoki tied before Hijikata left.

“Push them out of the way!”

A wave of men were headed towards them, but then they faltered, fear in their eyes, when they saw the Shiroyasha looming behind the shinsengumi officer, they realized was the demonic vice commander, like a shadow of a shadow.

As the crowd of men froze. Gintoki then slowly wielded his wooden sword and pointed it forward, coming up behind the vice chief in a stretch.

“What should we do with these dumbasses?”

“How should I know?”

Gintoki said as he took his wooden sword out and knocked out the person sneaking up behind him.

“We’re not going to treat them any special from any other low-life malefactors in a warehouse, are we?”

“Big words for someone with a loosing streak.”

“Count them out this time, I can’t tell how many you got when they’re sprawled all over the place.”

“Don’t just stand there!!! Fight them!!!”

“It’s the Shiroyasha. And the Shinsengumi Demonic Vice-Commander!!”

The group panicked and desperately looked like waiting for a better alternative to fighting them both.

“We’ll be killed!!! All of us!”

“Send the second group!!!”

“I don’t get paid enough for this.”

Hijikata felt Gintoki’s back against his own. His men had spread out and started to take down other bodies. Hijikata only saw the shine of the swords in front of him, blue metal lowered in crowds, not hostile just yet.

“It’s the Shiroyasha!”

Hijikata was starting to get amused.

“Send whoever but let’s just get this over with.”

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“What a pain, there were quite a few.”

Gintoki complained, rubbing the back of his neck like he’d taken down all of them.

His pile was off to the side, they were all tied up and gagged to keep them from spouting anything. Somehow crooks still found the guts to scream ridiculous nonsense out their holes. Gintoki stretched. Off to the other side of the particularly spacious warehouse, he saw how Hijikata posed. He watched Hijikata like he wanted to reach out to him.

Gintoki would notice how Hijikata would kill men in piles, until there was enough blood to swim in, but he always stood on top of every single one, like he was reliving a nightmare. It didn’t happen often, especially not when Gintoki was around, just when he was left alone to himself. Gintoki would look at him from a distance unsure of whether to hug him or say anything. They both went through it. He got used to it after a while-… but it still haunted Hijikata.

Gintoki casually turned his attention away from that part, and put a bet between them in play. A game. He had to coerce him into at first. At the end of every raid, and fight, they’d count their kills. In his case, how many people he could knock out and capture.

Sshhhh

Out of the corner of his eye, Hijikata saw a weapon being aimed towards him. He immediately countered it, pulling his sword up to to his eyes and pushing back. Upon realizing it was his own uniform, without the jacket, and staring into those crispy maroon red eyes, he woke up to realize who it was.

“What are you doing?!”

“Trying to have a tea party. What’s it look like?”

Gintoki flashed him a toothy grin, as Hijikata acted.

He flicked away his strength, then jumped back from his reach.

“Are you insane?! We’re at work!”

“We already got warmed up, I’m craving some actual challenge. What’s a little friendly competition between teammates?”

“Do we have to do this now?!”

Hijikata growled.

“I want you.”

Gintoki mentally face-palmed, though Hijikata didn’t notice it as he looked away.

“…”

-He didn’t take it the wrong way, but wasn’t that a little out of context?-

Gintoki looked at his furrowed expression, -What the hell.- he took a leap, and lead with a look.

“Say you want me too.”

“Hah.”

Hijikata barked at the boldness he exhibited.

“Fine.”

And that was the end of the conversation with the silent pauses.

He took off his jacket. Earning an enkindled wolf whistle from Gintoki, who looked overjoyed with lust, or bloodlust, he guessed, in this type of situation.

He didn’t want to waste his time.

Hijikata launched himself into him. He used the impulse to take Gintoki’s confidence and diminish it. He managed to push him back, by aiming to cut and break his sword, and Gintoki was left with no choice but to evade. Until he was pushed a few inches from the wall. He stared at his attacker like prey, waiting. Hijikata, holding his sword in position, to his left talon, knees bent and elbows ready to bend with strong arms and a flexible hand, his grip was stronger. Gintoki didn’t manage to cut him off, as he wanted when Hijikata had him almost pinned to the wall.

“Take out your blade.”

Hijikata only spoke those thunderous words to Gintoki who was only holding his breath back before Hijikata slammed him against the wall. He grinned, grinding his sword against his. He pressed in further, making sure to hold steady eye contact, for when Gintoki would unsheathe the steel sword from its’ trap. Gintoki finally gave him a chilling smile, he recognized from that other time on another roof. He pictured their bloody faces, bloodstained from the red moon that night.

Hijikata saw the change in Gintoki’s eyes, that light. He bent his knees further, knowing the wounding push from Gintoki would come. And it did, he was washed aback like a sound wave. As Gintoki stripped himself of the first sword, taking the second in, he watched his hand hold a tight grip on the blade, he’d never thought he’d manage this image. Hijikata wavered, some kind of sting coming from his eyes, his mouth gaped just a little. For a second he thought this was a bad idea. Until Gintoki came for him, and they felt that clang of clashing metal. He swore he saw sparks of friction flying and falling like rain. Gintoki’s red eyes stared into Hijikata’s black ones, as if they both wouldn’t take mercy then. Gintoki parted to hit again and again, his speed was impressive, but Hijikata managed to overwhelm him in that moment- he ran backwards and foreword he pulled and played with him. Hijikata couldn’t deny he was sweating. He cried out before going in straight, like thinking he was barging straight through Gintoki. It was a stupid mistake, Gintoki could have slashed his open sides, and Hijikata still wouldn’t have hit anything but air. The wind was slashed by his head, he jumped backwards. While his agility was subordinate to Gintoki, his flexibility was better. He could fall backwards and land perfectly. Gintoki met him on the ground with an attack to his side, compromising his balance. He pushed back but fell either way, picking himself up would be pointless. He pretended to be down to kick up at Gintoki’s sword last second. Risking his leg in the process. It surprised Gintoki, who watched Hijikata spin back, landing on his forearms and falling on his knee and foot, sword wielded in his form. Hijikata wouldn’t know the frisson Gintoki got from merely watching. Hijikata wasn’t anything graceful. If anything was graceful, it was the others’ face; focused on every forward action, like his mind would know his next move and next instinct. Gintoki took a breath, taking this pause slower, and inviting Hijikata to attack. Hijikata sprinted, slashing air and hitting nothing. He was better than before he left Edo. Gintoki gasped when countering, surprised at how Hijikata could keep up. He moved faster against him, taking part in an exchange of blows that went nowhere. Hijikata lowered his gaze at his fingers, sweating wet. He wouldn’t last long, if he was already taking risks. But Gintoki wouldn’t let him last longer with this pace. The speed matched his, but he loved the unpredictability of Hijikata’s moves, as they mirrored his own. But he could read him as easily as his movements, an apodyopsis of his battle form.

Gintoki moved in close, stepping into his space. Showing Hijikata he wasn’t fearful, normally he’d scoff and proceed to punch the opponent’s lights out, but it was Gintoki who wouldn’t step farther than what he knew he could control.

Obviously he had better stamina, one he could bleed through and still have fight left him him to last for hours.

So that meant he was finishing this fight soon.

The sword flew out of Hijikata’s hand as he fell from Gintoki’s successful pin. He managed to pin his sword over Hijikata’s head, with a blow the sound of thunder-and pushed backwards, causing Hijikata to fall and Gintoki landing with him. His sword was plunged into the ground next to Hijikata’s bloodied face.

Gintoki pinned Hijikata once more, setting both forearms at the sides of his head

They let their breath steady together, as if they were letting their hearts beat as one.

Gintoki thought about how he managed to get a blush from Hijikata, who was seemingly breathing heavily, as he was, but Hijikata’s breaths were aubade and beautiful to match his glazed-scarlet appearance. The blood from the criminals, a small flaw he wanted to lick away.

“Hijikata…

He felt Gintoki’s gentle hand brush against his skin and wipe the blood away.

“It doesn’t suit you.”

He could see past the hair on his forehead that was now glistening from the sweat, his eyes still burning into his own. And Hijikata had no choice but to stare back with his bluish eyes back to their usual glare.

“What about you?”

-He only knew he had them since Gintoki told him; of his dreams.-

His smile shone satisfactorily, the light from the ceiling seemed to be coming from him, forming a soft halo.

“You guys already helped me.”

“Hijikata Toshiro, in particular. It felt like I was reliving everything all over again. I was only able to think clearly because of you, the idea that you could make a mistake you’d regret later, drove me to control some of those emotions.”

-So, that time, he wasn’t speaking of Kondo, or not just of him and the Shinsengumi.-

The worlds could align with the force he used to solidify that confidence. He couldn’t say anything, not where they were, and he didn’t know what to say. His pride would usually speak for him, but the truth was he knew he needed him, at least in those moments. He felt pressured, but not from Gintoki.

“You’re too bold, you jerk… Are you going to let me get up?”

Bold, he meant close, and close to the truth.

“Depends, what’s the score?”

And it was a good play, leading the conversation back to their usual form. He slid in a suave smile at the end, he almost wanted to bite that smirk off, from him place on the ground, his head started to feel heavy.

“You first.”

“Eighteen.”

The lively look of playfulness that came across Hijikata’s face was enough to let Gintoki know, he’d won. He started lightly laughing, uncaring for the fact he was right under Gintoki’s nose, but he wouldn’t try anything here.

“Twenty-one.”

He continued to laugh for a good few seconds before Gintoki helped him up. Too mesmerized to notice Sogo coming their way. They hadn’t realized they were still holding on to each other.

“I’m glad it went smoothly on this end, I’d hate to think Hijikata-san would get distracted.”

He targeted his red eyes at their grip, Hijikata pushed his hand away.

“Sogo, how did it go?”

He lured his attention back in his eyes.

“I was able to pin trackers on all three vans, but I followed them around a turn and they disappeared. The tracking devices didn’t work either.”

Gintoki stepped back, taking his sword back from the ground. He watched as Hijikata bent down to do the same.

“They didn’t see you right?”

“No.”

Hijikata groaned in pain, he sighed. Thinking of a way to make this make sense to him.

“They’re running away, hiding. Or do you think they’re actually going to try something?”

Gintoki spoke up, seeing his visible migraine, unaware of the history behind these certain criminals.

“The reason we were desperate to catch them. They move weapons; guns, swords, and bombs. And tonight they were moving a specific order to the final buyer.”

Hijikata spoke, and as he faced Gintoki, he was able to see the tears of sweat that fell off his jaw and on his neck. Gintoki was awed by his ability to jump back into his working mindset.

“So you think they’re moving on with their mission?”

“They will. Or at least we have to assume.”

They heard an echoing yell, bouncing off the walls of the building. Gintoki wondered how loud their fight must have been for the wandering eyes of the Shinsengumi personnel. But then, when he looked around, the building was quietly empty and most of the buzzing noise was coming from outside. He wondered if the officers had sneaked away during their battle and given them some privacy. He thought of poor Jimmy-kun and how his job might get harder. He didn’t know that Jimmy-Yamazaki was the reason they left to outside, before they saw their vice-commander wrestled to the floor and pinned, close enough to the Yorozuya, to have it mistaken for something else. The yell came from Soichiro-kun.

“I could see inside through the windows. They were using these.”

Sogo had moved over, he pointed out at the large gray boxes that were organized side by side, on the east wall of the warehouse. Hijikata got closer to inspect them, with the Yorozuya behind his every step.

“Specialized transportation to protect and move bombs.”

“In those vans.”

Sogo pointed at a van that seemed abandoned, the driver’s door was opened and a sword had pierced the tires, not to mention it was parked near the middle of the floor.

“With a container this size, only one would fit in those vans.”

Gintoki pointed out, he noticed that the back doors of the van were opened as well.

“You said you could see inside the vans, no tinting on the windows? Go look and investigate where you lost them, don’t come back until you’ve found something.”

“Kotetsu!”

Hijikata immediately called on the scrawny-looking kid, Gintoki had met a few weeks ago. His first thought was that his name was the name of a sword, his second was that he was related to Jimmy-kun… somehow. He was like the replacement for when the actual Jimmy-kun wasn’t present.

“What’s the body count? How many are missing?”

“Six of fifty-two.”

The kid was spry and what he lacked in self-confidence, he made up for in competence.

“All registered?”

“Yes.”

Needless to say, Gintoki preferred him over Jimmy-kun.

“The product?”

“Three LD’s-Crome, everything else is registered and accounted for.”

“Six men, three bombs.”

Hijikata concluded, making sure Gintoki heard him. Snapping Gintoki out of his winded thoughts.

“Have Yamazaki write a report tonight, actually, have that done by someone else, tell Yamazaki to file this, by tomorrow-noon.”

Hijikata stepped outside with considerable speed as the raid was proceeding smoothly and close to wrapping up; wanting nothing more than to get back home. He lit a cigarette as he was walking towards the flashing lights of the police cars. He went in the car that Harada was driving. He looked around him for a second, Gintoki, stood still, watching the warehouse intently. His back was to him, and the lights from the cars splashed him in color repeatedly.

Hijikata began wondering if he was waiting for an invitation.

“Sakata!”

His initial intention was to grab his otherwise bliss attention, but as soon as Gintoki walked back to him, he saw the brightness of his serious eyes, and his stance, and his walk, his way of holding all the attention in the room, his dark masculine manner and his way of intimidating the person in front of him, as he walked up slowly.

He stared slightly upwards, eyes meeting his.

“Aren’t you getting in?”

Right. Hijikata pulled himself back inside of the car, and moved to the opposite side, opening the window so he could smoke quickly.

They sat back, and Gintoki slammed the door, for Harada to drive. Hijikata especially wanted to relax his muscles, he was usually tense around Gintoki, or at least used to be. Gintoki lay back, and closed his eyes, the image paled. Hijikata stared intently, as if trying to figure out this impossible, messy, and unpredictable puzzle.

{“I don’t want you to regret anything, so you don’t have to say anything else for now.” }

He didn’t know who was the one being selfish now, Gintoki for pushing him this far, or himself… for being this far in, but he wouldn’t say anything.

-Argghh!-

-Where’s his drunk confidence?!-

Chapter Text

…

“…I gave you a head start too~.”

“That’s a lie. Gin-chan would never cheat!”

Hijikata rolled his eyes, at his sadly serious argument.

“The guy coming up from behind?”

Gintoki’s eyes lit up gingerly at the reminder.

“Oh, him. I didn’t count him, so that’s one more for me.”

“Still not enough to beat me, not even match me, idiot.”

He softened the insult whilst looking away with a small grin Gintoki wouldn’t notice.

“That’s not what you thought when I had you pinned underneath me. Clearly you were overwhelmed by Gin’s strength.”

“You talk too much. If anything I was overwhelmed by your weight, you freeloading diabetic.”

“That weight’s all muscle. Wanna cop a feel?”

His grin grew like the pun was anything clever, it just brought Hijikata closer to wanting to feel as the perm’s body hit the floor.

“No thanks.”

He turned away.

Gintoki leaned backwards, he fell on his back using his arms as a pillow for his head. Crossing his legs, resting behind Hijikata, as Hijikata sat at his desk, not really working on anything in particular, but not wanting to address anything either, not that -that had stopped him from fooling around with him. It was for a while, it’s always fun as long as neither one was out of hand.

“Hey.”

His voice was let out so softly he couldn’t look Gintoki in the eyes when he turned to face him immediately. Hijikata was almost sure he was red, but spoke anyway, knowing Gintoki would give him an answer, whether it was straight or not.

“Don’t you think we get along better like this?”

He thought it was ironic now, because it was him who couldn’t stop admiring him. It was even selfish and embarrassing, this was a side to him that he didn’t even really explore himself, and now it was being exposed by the Yorozuya. As if the whole Toshi fiasco wasn’t enough, he spent weeks convincing the Yorozuya, Sogo, and “convincing” some of his subordinates, that the otaku side they had seen, wasn’t even remotely him, or a part himself that he couldn’t even convince himself he wasn’t. He just couldn’t use violence around Sogo, because then he would know it was true. The Yorozuya had dropped it too easily, only bringing it up again on a few occasions, or when he called him “Toshi”, he now thought was a jealous reaction of when Kondo-san would call him that, that same occasion. He wasn’t so oblivious… now that is… just that Gintoki was never so blatant.

“Sure we’ll be friends forever, -why not get married?”

Hijikata couldn’t tell if he was joking or serious, maybe somewhere in between. But, did he really say that like there was no difference?

-Did he really just say that?-

Hijikata cleared his throat, to make himself say something and kick him out of his thoughts before he noticed.

“But married people have marital relations.”

He hesitated, because why would he say it like that-? Hijikata made himself sound so yellow.

“You mean sex? Quite blunt Hijikata-kun. And what’s the problem?”

Hijikata became flustered as he felt the heat in his face stretch to his ears, from both irritation and embarrassment.

“We’re both men.”

He glanced at Gintoki bravely, then turned to face him entirely, seeing how his eyes were thankfully closed, he calmed the rush that was going through his head.

“Mhmm.”

After that, there was a silence Hijikata really needed to break.

…

“I assume you have experience?”

“Not any I want to remember.”

“…” He stared at him plainly, until Gintoki glanced at his expression and jumped at the realization.

“Not like that! Just… not any I actually remember. I was pretty drunk during both times, and my choice of partner… well… let’s just say it started how it ended.”

Hmm. Hijikata wondered about if Gintoki was even aware of his sexuality, but then again, did it really matter? He wasn’t even thinking about that, his mind dirtily directed itself to thinking- no, knowing that he would be the bottom. Deep down he knew this by now, how submissive he could become. He couldn’t care less that Gintoki was the same sex, until he thought about… those types of things. He was usually dominant, in every way, shape, or form, but the few times he would relieve himself, after work hours, usually, he let the female take the lead.

“Are you imagining it?”

Gintoki questioned. And Hijikata was steered back to the conversation.

“What-?”

“Me, in bed, with another man?”

He said while putting up an innocently clueless face, enough to make Hijikata eager to scream at him.

“What?! No, you creep!”

Hijikata grabbed the extra pillow on the side of his desk and launched it at Gintoki’s mug. He wasn’t even satisfied by the soft sound of it hitting his face. Gintoki had the guts to grin at him after he did. Hijikata caught a glance at his bandaged hand when he put the cushion back down.

“Oh, right. Sit up.”

Getting back to the focus; Gintoki came in his room in the first place to have Hijikata help him with his wound. There wasn’t any news on the case of the raid from the previous night, so Gintoki thought he would just catch Hijikata right now. But then their conversation turned to the previous night and they were both entertained and distracted.

“You can leave right after this.”

He meant it both ways: intentionally harsh, and slightly caring. He thought Gintoki did a good job, taking care of the wound wrapped in fresh bandages, which relieved him of some of his guilt. He used that guilt, and he knew Gintoki did too, as an excuse to see him, but… it should be healed by now.

Gintoki watched as Hijikata unwrapped the bandages from his palm, like a gift he appreciated, he was being gentle. And Gintoki would stare at his downward gaze, just admiring him deep in thought or concentrating at least. Gintoki was truly feeling at peace, these were the first moments in a long time too. For him, Hijikata was like a feeling of knowing the future would bear good, and the feeling of conformity or quiet peace in life.

His heart beat wildly, looking at the other’s lucent skin and long eyelashes, he was sadly and subtly agelast.

“You heal really well.”

His eyes fell on the sensation of Hijikata running his thumb against his palm, where the scar should be, maybe it did scar, he wouldn’t know, he was focusing on something else. Hijikata pulled his hand away after he noticed what he was doing, and awkwardly moved to throw the waste away. Gintoki thought about, how Hijikata said he healed well, when Hijikata had seen his scars run through the rest of his body.

In bathhouses and saunas, he’d seen the life experiences that marked him, and he thought he saw sign of a scar he’d left on his body himself, but his attack probably hadn’t been enough to scar him, essentially, if he took care of it. Hijikata traced his wounds with his eyes, and thought back to his own body, scars no one could see, some scars were deeper than others, or brighter-more visible. He thought that was part of what made him a man… what made them both men.

“It barely scarred.”

They’d been spending so much time together, almost every waking second. They worked together, but it felt like they lived together. And it wasn’t bad.

…

“What time is it?”

“Almost twelve.”

“Shit. I told Kagura I’d take her somewhere, a meet-and-greet of her friend’s favorite idol.”

He heard Gintoki scrambling up and going towards the door to hurriedly pull his boots on.

“I guess I won’t wait for you back.”

He waited for him to shut the door behind him as he stepped outside. But Hijikata heard nothing as he turned around to walk back to his seat, Gintoki was walking back in his way. Hijikata didn’t step back, but he faced him with a certain degree of courage and vulnerability. Gintoki stepped into his bubble and he could feel his breath on his lips.

He slid himself into his reach, …then into his arms, …and into his hold. Gintoki’s mark was hit, as he caught him in half a breath retained.

He didn’t know how to explain it, their bodily reaction, to its own carnal wants, let them share a perfectly tactical, tactile, …almost planned kiss. Their lips, no, mouths involved as if they were waiting for them to come together in a moment of hurry. A doubt disconnects them again, before their warmth comes in to draw them back, in a second more -pleasingly intense friction. The act itself, yes, this is their second time, the stimulation enhanced to run beats of blood through his head. Their rush sent small flames that burned nothing but his stomach, the ends of his face, …and sparked reassurance in him simultaneously, while the quick moment, in question, was over in a blink… of his sultry eyes.

Sexual and passionate in a sense, and in a sense, more physically eased. Hijikata had no difficulty letting himself submit to the feeling, putting up some natural resistance against the Yorozuya because it was his will that convinced him to… but not anymore.

He felt himself caress the other’s large arms as they clung around his weakened body, and then the other’s hand came up to feel his face. He cupped the left side of his face and slip back down as they came to a slow halt.

Gintoki slipped from his hold, out of his arms, as hands skimmed past his hips, and as always… out of his reach.

Light shone as a line of his face, and he turned around satisfied.

For Hijikata, the kiss from him was like a saying: ‘I wish you’d show yourself vulnerable,’ and coming from Gintoki: ’Thank you for lowering your guard.’

Like everything, this was inconclusive, and so unfortunately considerate. He claimed now- that this selfish situation… was mutual… but not his feelings… not yet at least. He knew it wouldn’t ever happen again so easily… especially not with another man.

The door rattled open and in steps Sogo, disturbing his thoughts, literally. Perfect timing, he looked too satisfied for comfort.

“I just saw Danna, he looked way too happy to have been talking to you. It’s almost creepy.”

If he suspects anything of what he saw, which was barely anything, he gave himself credit, then they may get figured out, and that can’t happen.

“What do you want, Sogo?”

Hijikata sat back down, acting as if he was unfazed from the devil right on his door. It was much easier to act when it was actually nothing, he couldn’t let anything slip now.

“I just came in to give you the news… and this file.”

Hijikata took the file Sogo handed him of the case of the previous night and the highlights of connections it had leading back to a few months ago.

“Turns out they were transporting bombs underground, and we picked up that the buyers will most likely set them off now that they know that the police is on their tail.”

-They clearly aim to complete their goal, not caring of the risk of being caught.-

“Do we know when or where?”

“Not yet, but there’s talk and a team is on it.”

“Get a bomb squadron ready.”

…

Their business as boss and subordinate was over, yet Sogo leaned on the door frame, so subtly, … it was distracting-how loud a person could be and how irritated they could make him by just standing and burning a hole through his face, which, Hijikata knows Sogo wishes he had to ability to do. How to make a complicated situation worse: give it away, so he acted as naturally as he would in any other situation, when he was backed into a corner; an act Hijikata thinks is ‘calm’, as Sogo spoke again and the hostile aura that was planted in his room grew. He always had his guard up when it came to him, it became a definite habit.

“Anything else, fukucho?”

“Not right now, make sure someone informs Kondo-san, I’ll be busy working.”

He thought he could finally turn away from the interrogator, …no.

“No… anything else you want to tell me about Danna?”

He knew something. Hijikata swore he was going to kill Yamazaki if he got his hands on him.

“Not in particular, we were just working.”

Sogo almost laughed, as if skeptically dyeing him a bright and obvious color.

“Your entire room is filled with Danna’s scent.”

Hopefully he only knew that. That which brought the worst possible pictures to Hijikata’s head and manifested into a way to torment Hijikata for Sogo.

“I always thought you flirted with Danna, but are you actually flirting with Dann-“

“Shut your mouth and go do your job, Sogo!”

In response he scoffed, only grinning when he knew Hijikata was watching as he walked away slowly.

Hijikata shut the entrance after him. He slid down the wooden frame and on his forearm as his knees stood on the floor. He groaned:

-They were flirting… or having a flirty conversation… ah!-

They did a lot more than that. And it was painfully obvious, but only painful because he had to hear it from Sogo. That sadistic brat was either incredibly lucky, getting shit for his obsessive blackmail behavior or incredibly intuitive. Both were a pain in the ass either way… He’s definitely poking around because that girl yato left.

…

He slid open the shoji door just enough and took out one cigarette, to light and then he placed the box at his side. He breathed out the air through the gap in the wall, resting his eyes in bittersweet sunlight.

They’re always fighting… but even then, when Hijikata got to see their combat more and more, he saw how Sogo improved in his technique and more specifically his ability block, counter, and evade at the same time, somethings that he probably picked up from her… By the end of their sessions, they were both exhausted, the small yato girl in her red outfit, and light-haired Sogo, both leaning back against the stone of the Shinsengumi walls. Light shining or piercing through them, reflecting from the sweat dripping down their faces, and sometimes drenched because of the areas of bodies of water Hijikata said they should get rid of. Sitting side-by-side and actually getting a chance to talk. He knew Sogo wasn’t that kind of person, but his mood seemed to improve mildly. Somehow they were good for each other in simple ways, and Gintoki probably saw it too…

-He…-

-He’s wasting his time, even now…-

Hijikata thought he should probably go look at the files, figure out who these people who buy weapons are and how to chase them back to their bosses.

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The dust in the room hovered above the wooden and patted floors. Light reflected off furniture from a singular window of radiance, that cast a hue of orange and yellow light into the room. An ashtray sits on the floor, contrasting of the color pattern in the ceilings and walls, in a simple single room. Then a figure dressed in black, white and gold, sat tirelessly, with gentle hands massaging through papers, diligent eyes scanning printed words. A thought hangs over him. And the figure sighs in the contempt he held for this particular assignment.

Hijikata ultimately decided that his work wasn’t going anywhere. So when Yamazaki came in to ask him if he was still going to take the afternoon patrol, he said yes and started getting ready to head out, leaving his work to go clear his mind.

He shifts his shoes on, takes his sword and leaves his jacket behind in the midst of a summer heat wave. Surprisingly he leaves without so much as a word, like he was slipping out quietly before someone could catch him, there was barely anyone in the streets around the Shinsengumi walls.

“Hijikata-san, I know you’re working so I could give the afternoon patrol to someone else if you don’t want it.-(?)” He heard that nervous voice coming from outside and stretched to tell him: “No, Yamazaki, I’ll take it.” So he walked through the empty streets, past the vendors who were cleaning out and closing up, past the couples who could be seen walking side by side and completely lost in each other, they were heading towards the night scene, Kabukichō. The rays of a dimming sun hit the ground beneath his feet and everything he could see. Including the isolated park and the nearby bar, whose walls were tainted orange, but accepting of more solemn men to fill with. He frequented there, usually on the days Sogo was being an absolute pain or he just needed to overcome a slight mind block. Today it was both, yet neither. The cruel dry breeze of the summer season hit his back like a small gust of hell, he thought it’d somehow be cooler as he neared the river that passed through Edo like a scar. Everything was built the same as it had been before the war destroyed it, every building, street, lamppost, and bench was reconstructed and carefully placed so the older residents were familiarized with the area, and so everyone could get a piece of the old old Edo back. He wondered if they knew that it was all thanks to one man. They did… he knew watching from the sidelines, being the police. The Shinsengumi wouldn’t still be intact if it weren’t for him. The jackass perm needs all the praise he can get. Back then he wouldn’t outwardly express his praise, nor did he have to He heard here and there, what people thought and said, that maybe it was his words that moved people or his fist or sword that made them follow, but it was all, his soul. His soul, that’s what he follows. What he sees on the outside was always different, and annoyed him to no end, but that was part of why they didn’t get along then, they were too similar, two halves, too busy finding faults in each other that they also found in themselves. It was amazing how he could compare himself with such a figure. He is. He’s like ray of light, taken in by the sun, but now the sun holds on to him… to cast his light on everything and everyone. The sun wouldn’t let one of its rays go.

As sunset touches the last line on the horizon, the remaining light is left to create a mild purple color on everything he saw. The water flowing through the river too. He got to the bridge, the bridge he’d always cross on patrol, and it signified that he was getting closer to the Yorozuya office, and to the Kabukichō sector. He decided to stop there, halting his patrol, just standing there for god-knows-what reason. He rested his arms on the  wooden fence and stared down at the water that reflected his lone gaze in the sea of clouds and sky.

This was the spot where they had parted after the whole body switch situation. Where they had also exchanged their stuff, the things that made their character’s iconic. Cigarettes and chocolate… and now that he thought about it, it was like that time they’d exchanged bowls. He actually ate the perm’s food, and he watched him scarf his mayo down. Hijikata could almost say he loved him for it. That time, he wanted to thank him so badly, on top of what he had already thanked him for… it made him so genuinely happy-, to the point of bursting out laughing, when-

“Vice commander.”

The strands of his hair flew with his rapid motion to turn towards the other body coming in his direction.

-Ah.-

“Did I startle you? I thought you would have sensed me coming?”

He grinned lightly, but with the blurriness caused by his overworked eyes, Hijikata could only see how his silver hair now reflected the light from the sunset and looked almost pink. The fading circles around his eyes bothered him, he rubbed slowly under his eye.

“Sense you? What kind of bullshit skill is that.”

He replied with a very kind gesture of his own irritation. It was almost peaceful.. when Gintoki was just in his thoughts, he felt cool around him either way.

“You were having a little too much fun over here in your thoughts, I guess you couldn’t tell I was near.”

-Fun? Oh.- Hijikata didn’t realize he was smiling.

He stared back outward heavily, he remembered walking over this bridge when he left Edo, and stepping back over it when he chased Gintoki back into the city. The two years he wasn’t there… he often still thought deeply about that, taking it into a part of his mind that required extra care and consideration, he wouldn’t pry, he’d either wait for eternity to come and wash his dim curiosity away, as Gintoki only even shared parts of his life with him, when he wanted to, when Hijikata needed it. He wouldn’t have ever thought about asking him, on the terms they were on.

“I remember our first day back in Edo after everything. I could tell this was one thing that still managed to survive the disaster.“

He said with eyes dancing between the horizon and the bridge. He set both his hands back in his pants pockets.

“During that time I searched.. for you… that’s why I pretended to get demoted and why I moved back out into the countryside...”

“To- Hiji, why would you…”

He sounded shocked, at hearing that. He guessed some part of him wanted Gintoki to have noticed before then.

“I followed you. You gave me something to do over those two years.”

Hijikata forced a fake smile with that fast response.

“What’s the real reason?”

He keeps asking for that, and now Hijikata knew he had to let it go, his pride and the all the well kept secrets behind every line.

…

“Because you’re the only reason I could smile, and mainly the real reason why I’m happy now.”

He felt like he was walking barefoot on glass. His fists tense and he was clenching his chest.

“And I get that a lot of people could say that type of thing to you-“

He felt nervous for about the first real time, he was inexperienced and took a dive. It was like falling, until Gintoki spoke and cut him off.

“Remember when I ran into you while I was back in Edo with Takasugi? I thought about whether you should have come with me. But then I thought I’d just put you in danger and in an awkward position.”

…

Gintoki turned to face him with a look that shattered through Hijikata. He was always able to do this.

“But I still should have taken you with me. You’re the only one I thought about being by my side. I regretted it then I regret it now.”

…

Back then, Hijikata knew that if he turned around, he would have wanted to follow Gintoki. And he knew if Gintoki turned around to face him, he would have wanted Hijikata to follow. Perhaps if he looked back, they wouldn’t have been able to hold back, or maybe they would have, because he was just that kind of person.

Out of the blue of the river under them, Gintoki spoke up in the silence, with a broken voice.

“Hijikata. Did I-…”

His eyes there was something wrong, why.. was he… about to cry…

He turned around and it was like he was steadying Gintoki with his comforting gaze.

“…Did I miss my chance?”

The chance for him to see Gintoki vulnerable, he didn’t think he would have wanted that back then, but… Gintoki breaks him down-to a piece of himself that he never cared to see - never cared to share or hate, that he rather kill.

-It’s only fair, that he do the same too…-

…otherwise… he couldn’t fully trust him in that context, he’d trust him with a life much more valuable than his own, but still, it’s not the same, it just pushed Hijikata more to the edge.

“What were you doing in those two years?”

The weight of his words-the weight that question made-was never heavier, directed towards Gintoki, who understood the gravitas of it and thought:

-If it’s what gets him to trust in me. Then I’ll tell him.-

He cleared his throat, getting ready to mentally relieve that experience.

“When I left, I traveled around all of Japan, going from temple to temple by foot. Looking for the last trace of him, of Utsuro or of Shoyo. Then I finally get far enough, and I come across some priests who say they found a newborn baby that was left as the residue after seeing the supernatural occur. I knew it was Shoyo or Utsuro, not that it mattered because it was my responsibility to put an end to it…”

Hijikata could never be staring or listening more intently than he was right now. Because he saw something different in him, and the way he spoke.

“…But he was just a newborn, Hijikata, even if it was Utsuro, I wasn’t able to. He grew really fast and followed me around for months as we traveled, I was waiting for signs that never came. For me, he was him not Utsuro. But then the Tendoshu came and took his body, and he ripped out his heart, the core for me to protect. He protected me in that instance too.”

About a dozen things are going through Hijikata’s mind, but he breaks the atmosphere, for him, so he’d be able to keep telling him what had happened.

“I just picture you alone with the kid. Even if he grew up fast, you almost raised him. Wouldn’t you want to have that opportunity, a real kid.”

Gintoki switched his tone, looking at him with an everlasting smile and a look of sarcasm.

“Are you kidding me? No. I already have two kids, three of them include Sadaharu, trust me, I know what it’s like.”

Hijikata understood, but for him kids reminded him of his childhood; he never thought about having them, he didn’t feel like he needed that in his life.

…

“You’re the kind of man who can’t offer himself to any one person.”

“You’re right I can’t give myself up, and I never will, but it would be nice to offer a bit of myself to some unselfish person; someone I can come home to every night.”

Hijikata shoved him playfully.

“Stop that, but keep talking.”

Gintoki looked away smiling a little to himself. 

“Then I ran into you, and to be honest I was really happy, even when you put me in handcuffs… it was just good to see someone I knew…”

He talked to him until the last rays of sunlight hit his face. Hijikata would listen and learn, and then he would speak his mind. Traveling back to the past wasn’t something he ever wanted to do, but it wasn’t a moment that was wasted at all. Until they started to mess around with the topic, and joking about trivial things. Gintoki asked him what he would have done in that instance where they saw each other again, the moment they knew the other was alive. And Hijikata clung to him, and Gintoki followed, throwing his arms over his shoulder and under it. The lack of light, hid Hijikata’s expression from his eyes.

…

Chapter Text

He loved him…

He loved him. He loved him. He loved him…

But he didn’t think… he loved him like that.

There was no doubt he loved the character of Sakata Gintoki, a man of soul, a bright ray of sunshine over the cloudy skies of Edo, the main character of the anime and inspirational story for the ages. He even liked the flawed character design and the lameness of his personality.

He liked the real Gintoki, the one he knew him to be.

He… liked the recent memories that they shared… he was honestly just taken back by how okay he was with everything he had let Gintoki do to him. Even if he was… homosexual or bisexual… when it came down to it though… he wasn’t sure he could fall in love again.

Gintoki straightens out everything in his life, -ironically- but it was still bothering him: the guilt that he’d feel if his feelings didn’t develop or hadn’t already. No one can go into that type of situation without being certain, otherwise it would be leading the other person on, which he wasn’t trying to do…

Yesterday, when they had come back, Gintoki dropped Hijikata in his room. They were just about finished reminiscing about Utsuro and the disaster they had left behind. Hijikata was catching Gintoki up on the story about how Kondo almost married a literal Gorilla space princess. “That’s ironic.”- to which Hijikata had replied strongly defending his commander like it were his own pride.

Then Gintoki said, “I can’t imagine him with anyone but Tae.”

“I used to think you had a thing going on with her.”

But Gintoki replied with silence and Hijikata had just noticed they were past Gintoki’s quarters and arriving at his. Hijikata stood at his door, leaning against the idea of whether to do something he might regret or not. Either way Gintoki was patiently standing there every second until he closed the door he guessed. He looked so longing to Hijikata, who sighed deeply before speaking.

“I’m sorry, I-“ Hijikata started but then Gintoki cut him off: “Hijikata don’t-“

He looked so tense, but it led Hijikata a step further, “Let me try something.”

And Gintoki froze, he almost looked like a scorned dog. And Hijikata thought that explained what had happened a few years back with that old dog who he almost made into the Shinsengumi’s k-nine unit.

He looked around them before he’d bring his own face and body so close to Gintoki. He looked down at his mouth beforehand. Gintoki just stood there in surprise, but also lusting for him. Hijikata was testing his boundaries though, and Gintoki respected that.. up until the point Hijikata explicitly told him to kiss him and it drove Gintoki mad with the question about whether he’d actually just said that or if it was his own lust that colluded in his ears. Gintoki busily pushed his mouth onto slightly open lips, and slipped his tongue in as fast and far as he’d let him. Gintoki felt Hijikata suppress and swallow a moan, he let go of his mouth to say something.. before he tripped and fell over him. Neither of them noticed they were slowly moving inside Hijikata’s room. Gintoki steadied himself over the other male, who shifted away from him, as if uncomfortably aware of the situation going on in Gintoki’s pants. “Sorry I’m just-“ It was painfully understandable that he wasn’t ready for anything like that, and it made Gintoki bite down on his words. “Sorry, sorry… I just tripped over my own feet, pretty dumb right? I’ll take care of it.” Gintoki got up quickly like the ground was lava, and Hijikata did the same. Gintoki excused himself but not before giving Hijikata another light kiss he welcomed. A reassurance that he still trusted him and felt comfortable with him.

He sat in his room with thoughts swirling around him. The blush kept creeping up his face whenever he had a thought of any one moment where he and Gintoki were physically together.

The calming sensation got to him eventually. He was wondering why something insane hadn’t happened yet and right on cue… in comes Yamazaki screaming.

“Hijikata-san! Come quick, the Yorozuya’s Kagura-sama and the captain are seriously fighting! It’s getting out of hand!! They’re wrecking everything!!!”

…

Ignoring how Yamazaki had called Kagura with the honorific ‘sama’ - he ran towards the source. The last time he was caught in one of their fights, Gintoki got hurt when he could have been seriously injured or killed. Now he’s intervening- it’s what he knew he needed to do after seeing the chaotic mess that was his barracks. Kagura and Sogo were moving so fast, only someone with a trained eye could track them.

He managed to get behind Kagura as she faced Sogo with a tired stance. Both of them were sweating profusely.

He held Kagura back as he saw Kondo grabbing a resistant Sogo, and holding him back, his eyes bloodshot with anger.

“What’s going on with you two?!”

She stopped struggling against his hold as soon as she saw who it was, she turned around to hug him tightly - tight enough to break his arm.

“Toshiiii!”

There were small tears threatening to spill from her bright blue eyes.

“He’s been taking his anger out on me! I told him you were in love again and he got so mad. You and Gin-chan are in a relationship right?”

“Shhhh, keep your voice down.”

But fortunately she whispered the last bit enough so nobody else heard her.

Hijikata was just trying to understand what she was telling him.

“What are you saying?”

He placed both hands on either side of her shoulders. Trying not to scream in embarrassment as he was hearing it.

“Gin-chan doesn’t tell us, but I know he’s in love with you. He came back yesterday with a dumb smile on his face. So that must mean that you reciprocated his feelings.”

Hijikata sighed inwardly, he didn’t know what she knew, but he knew he couldn’t lie to this kid. On the other hand he knew that he didn’t want any rumors to spread by her. And now Sogo was seemingly afflicted by some piece of information between them, - that Hijikata would discover before he lost his cool. He couldn’t avoid the reality that this was starting to feel realer by the hour, and he was struggling to keep his eyes locked on the red head and not on the surroundings of a destroyed Shinsengumi. So he handled the situation as best he could… even if the roof above them was crumbling down, or he was standing on a piece of wood from kami knows where.

“What did you say to Sogo?”

“That’s what I told him, that you were in love with someone.”

Sogo’s reaction, as he takes it, was understandably - not good. He held his head into his hands as though something shot through his skull. The faceted ringing in his ears was not getting any better with the shouting and cursing he could hear from Sogo on the other side of this room.

“Are you okay, Toshi?”

Her big blue eyes piercing through him.

“Go back to your room for now.”

Hijikata faced Sogo like a wall, unwilling to break down or fall. Kagura looks back one last time as she disappears around the corner.

Hijikata signaled to Kondo to let go of the smaller seething brunette, still visibly struggling against Kondo. As soon as the creature was freed from its confinement, it charged straight towards its target. Hijikata didn’t even flinch when Sogo took hold of his clothes, clawing at him and gripping his tight vest so tightly, he felt his nails piercing through the first layer of skin. His eyes were covered by his bangs, but at soon as his head shot straight up at Hijikata’s, he could tell they were close to pitch black. He was on the borderline of sane right now. Hijikata understood he needed to be the reasonable one between the both of them.

“W-wh~y?… Why?!… Is it true?”

His voice shook and almost cracked Hijikata, like his hands that were so deeply pressed into Hijikata’s chest and neck.

His silence and the color of his gaze indicated nothing, but for Sogo… it was all the same.

“Hah”

Something in Sogo’s tone broke over, as he realized.

Hijikata just brought his own hands up to pry Sogo’s off of him, showing no bloodlust while Sogo was washed in it. Hijikata’s only counter was the cold stare he held him down with of his steel blue eyes, -which he knew he hated; it was the same expression he used to show Mitsuba when he pushed her away. A cruel act, but necessary, or else this demon would overwhelm him with his rage.

“Why Can You Be With Someone Else Now…”

“BUT YOU COULDN’T STAND TO BE BY MY SISTER’S SIDE?!!”

-What is he supposed to say? What more than what already has been said…?-

“Sogo, the situation is different… it’s complicated.”

But obviously, Hijikata didn’t have the same relationship or clear understanding with Sogo, than he and Gintoki had… and it was his sister, so it was different…

“HOW IS IT DIFFERENT NOW?!!!”

The desperation and anger corrupted his body in Hijikata’s presence, it was like an encounter with the devil and old ghosts.

“WHY IS IT DIFFERENT NOW?!!! WHY?!!!”

He signed up for this as soon as he accepted Gintoki’s feelings. He wouldn’t regret it, not even as Sogo broke his eardrums with words that hurt more than his grip.

“WHY COULDN’T IT BE DIFFERENT WITH HER?!!!!”

That’s when Hijikata finally took hold of his arms and threw his hands off his body.

“Because I couldn’t take care of her! I wasn’t strong enough… Accept that I was never good enough for her!! I was so in love with her that I couldn’t stand the thought of not being able to protect her!!!”

That sounded so much more desperate than he intended it to, and it was such a release. But it hit Sogo hard enough to make him go mute. They both froze in place. Unknowing if anyone around had heard them. Because it would be the scandal of the century if word got out…

“…They can protect themselves.”

A gush of wind couldn’t permeate the air of pressure Sogo held him against. Hijikata was scared, for some reason, angered not by the other that was reliving his own personal hell, but at himself for the first time in a long time. It was his nature it seemed…

“Is it Danna?”

Scratch that, this would be the scandal of the century. Hijikata wouldn’t flinch, but the surge of emotions in his eyes gave away the secret in its entirety. His eyes darted from Sogo to Kondo behind him, but he couldn’t see if he had heard, his vision was blurred but clearer than Sogo’s.

“Hah… Ha-Ha…”

“ You’re a fucking piece of work Hijikata. Fucking fa -* POWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

…

“Apologize to the redhead.”

If there were any eyes there that day, they wouldn’t dare speak of this for the next few years. And if Hijikata saw any ears as he walked past Sogo’s wet- sitting frame, they wouldn’t have dared crawl out of whatever hole they were hiding in, to get into Hijikata’s line of sight.

…

Hijikata felt his commander tailing him all the way to his own room, as he cooled down and his fist as well. He justified his pain but he would never justify his words, it was unnecessary and over the line, even for Sogo. He would have hit him harder if he hadn’t realized midway what he was about to do, who he was about to hurt. Nevertheless, Hijikata’s punch, sent him crashing down into the water, probably humiliated by it.

“I messed up with Sogo, didn’t I?…”

He stopped himself from thinking how much he would hate him after that.

He sighed trying to stop the wave of a migraine. Kondo-san probably heard everything they said, hell, with their volume, the entire barracks probably heard what was said. It was meant to be a delicate private conversation, they turned it into something more, he turned it into a problem, that’s the last thing he wanted now.

Kondo closed the doors to his room, as he does - Hijikata bows not knowing whether to face him in shame or stay as he was.

“…I apologize for my actions, it was unprofessional and selfishly evoked, I’ll accept the consequences for lashing out-“ “I’m proud of you.”

-What?-

He shot up as soon as he processed and heard it, to be met with a certain kind look and a smile. Kondo sat and motioned Hijikata to sit down as well, almost waking him from his momentary shock.

“I might be really bad at giving this talk but…”

Kondo looked deep into his eyes, making sure he would remember this important moment. Hijikata didn’t know whether to cry or laugh by the end of it, it was that rarely he was reminded he was loved.

“I’m proud of you. After what happened the first time, I didn’t blame you for not looking to get into a relationship with anyone, I wouldn’t have blamed you if you didn’t ever. But, Toshi, you’re deserving of the opportunity to spend your life with someone who loves you as much as you love them…  The decision is yours, and I’ll always be here for you. At least I’ll be able to help you much more than I’ve helped myself when it comes to love.”

He laughed a most comforting laugh and smile. Hijikata gaped, frozen in place. His feelings were taken on a lot of rollercoasters the past few days.

“And although we shouldn’t promote physical violence as punishment… he was looking for it, I’ll talk to Sogo, you can rest for now. Try to get some ice on that hand.”

Hijikata couldn’t focus enough to form words.

“And whoever they are, I’m sure I’ll approve.”

-So he didn’t hear.-

“Knock, knock, I brought food!”

-Ah.-

Hijikata’s eyes darted towards the perm, who’s timing was impeccably on the nose. The panic in his expression stirred suddenly and then he faced Kondo again.

“I see.“

He chuckled and sent a final confirming-verbal hug Hijikata’s way.

“I’ll leave you two to talk.”

Kondo nods at Gintoki swiftly, catching his attention in full. At least Gintoki had the right sense to put two brain cells together and read the room. He seemed like he understood, looking undoubtedly nervous when Kondo acknowledged him walking past. Hijikata noticed a hint of uncertainty in his eyes, he would replay that memory whenever he felt he needed comfort, even looking at the chain reaction of what caused it in the first place.

Hijikata was never scared of being rejected by the family he had made, he’s glad he was right not to…

Hijikata’s head hung buried in his hands as they cupped the weight. The soup of relief and headache he had cooking right now was enough to make him crave an entire pack of cigarettes, acknowledging that that would probably be a bad idea, he asked Gintoki to pass him one.

Gintoki seemed to have woken up from a dream, reacting suddenly with: “Huh? Oh, right.”

…

“Are you okay?”

Hearing no response but silence from him, Gintoki walked inside.

Hijikata’s stance, and the fact he needed a smoke, among other things, he came to the conclusion by himself that he was not okay.

Hijikata felt Gintoki’s steps draw near him, he glanced up at him as he lowered the food he had, in front of him.

“Yamazaki shoved it into my hands as soon as he saw me, he told me you’d like it better if I brought it to you… hopefully it’s still hot.”

Gintoki murmured, circling behind him to find his cigarettes.

“…I probably shouldn’t mention this but, Kotetsu told me your men have been scared to come near here… that was this morning. And I’m not sure if I should ask about what happened to the east side courtyard.”

Gintoki reappeared from behind him with a cigarette poking out from his brand.

“Kagura came in wailing just now, it’s like the whole damn place turned into a circus.”

Hijikata remembered he had forgotten to check her for any injuries. He might have punched Sogo a little harder. She could handle herself, but still.

“Is she okay, she’s not hurt right?”

Gintoki smirked at the way Hijikata jumped so worriedly.

“It’s so nice to see you so worried about my kids Hijikata-kun~.”

“…”

He didn’t even spare him a look as he turned to light his cigarette and take a long puff of breath and smoke. The stress would wear off, so long Gintoki didn’t do much to annoy him.

He should stop jinxing himself.

Gintoki came up behind him and pressed his warm upper body to Hijikata’s back. Before he could get too comfortable, Hijikata pushes him away. He’s admittedly being harsh, but he didn’t want to receive this form of attention right now.

Gintoki then stands, and Hijikata’s thoughts spur for a moment as he feels the other male walk softly in front of him and sit. He moves the package to a side and turns as he lays down. Placing his head on his legs, using him as a pillow and giving him full control of the affection being passed between them. Gintoki just suggested he should move his hands to his own head. Hijikata’s nails dig through the lush locks of white with silver glint.

“Trust me. It’s the best therapy.”

Gintoki retracted his hands from holding Hijikata’s.

-Who says I need therapy..? idiot.-

He would never have noticed this if they weren’t in this type of situation, but Gintoki’s hair was soft, like each individual bright strand was lithe and grew finely.

The touch made him remember that first kiss in the stuffy clinic. How his hand found itself entangled with his hair, and even caressed down to the back of his neck, and he wasn’t even aware of it. He blushed, but kindly, Gintoki’s eyes were closed, revealing a peaceful image to him. He could sit in this memory for hours… without honestly feeling his legs fall asleep or the urge to knock Gintoki off from him.

It was just so easy to relax.

Hijikata knew he cared about him more than most. He was ignoring the jokes meant to annoy him, or diffuse tension; he was enjoying their banter, as well as their conversations. He liked listening to him and watching him speak his mind about anything important.

…

The calm disposition they were in allowed Hijikata take notice of certain details, like how his eyelashes were unnaturally black instead of white like the rest of his mop hair,

-His eyes aren’t red, they’re a little too brown to be red. -

He thinks as he remembers something.

…

“Are my eyes really that nice?”

“Well, you know what they say about a person’s eyes… they’re the windows to the soul.”

Without skipping a beat, Gintoki replies. It weighed on Hijikata’s mind whether Gintoki had time to think over his answer.

…

He was careless with that question, he should have concealed himself better.

“Why did you notice my eyes in the first place?”

“It’s in the way you look at me, like you know every single thing about me. And I can’t even get mad, because I see myself in you.”

…

“You’re a lot like Kondo, you’re too nice to me. It’s in the way you talk too.”

-Like when he talks to Tae.-

“Are you saying I’m wise beyond my years?”

“I’m saying you spin a lot of romantic ideas and stunt your articulation.”

-Was that too obvious?-

…

Hijikata’s fears, instantly became worse with his sudden silence, but he’s disappointingly relieved and displeased all at the same time when he breaks the ice again.

“Who’s talking like an old man now?”
“So when I speak, I’m an old man, but when it’s you, you’re wise?”
Hijikata pulls at his hair strands in his hands.
“Ouch.”
He laughs.
“You’re exhausting.”
He sighs languidly.

-It’s funny because when he first met him, he didn’t want to recognize any of himself in him, but now…-

“It’s funny, you say we’re so similar, but both of us ended up on different sides. I’m part of the government that allowed Amanto to run us over and banned swords, and you’re the side that used that weapon to try and prevent the Amanto from taking over Edo.”

“We both had goals that differed from what others say about us Hijikata. I’m sure you can’t prove otherwise…”

He said sitting upright.

Hijikata’s hands slipped from his head and he was left facing his back. Gintoki tone changed slightly and that left Hijikata wondering if he was bothered by his statement, when he was just pointing out the truth.

“Do you want a drink?”

Gintoki smiled at him as Hijikata nodded. While Gintoki went to get a bottle that gave Hijikata time to bite into his lunch, it was unsurprisingly not warm. He wasn’t hungry but he didn’t want to drink on an empty stomach.

Gintoki sat down next to Hijikata and poured them both at least five cups of sake he had laying around somewhere.

“…I was born into a world that threw me straight into its horrors.”

Hijikata was caught off-guard when he started talking. His early life is something he wondered about constantly but never had the will to ask. He watched Gintoki down a cup and set it down.

“I lived in war my entire life, on a battlefield where I had to kill to survive. Until Shoyo sensei found me, I was about eleven years old. That’s when I met Takasugi and Zura. Who were also taken in by Shoyo. He taught me, trained me, loved me in his own way. He exposed me, a child who had previously probably never smiled, to a world filled with good things.

-He barely had a childhood.-

“Is that why you act like such a brat sometimes?”

Gintoki would turn to look at Hijikata softly, without saying anything he watched him as tears rolled down his face. Before, Gintoki could only observe him from a distance, behind a wall perhaps. But this time it’s different… this time he’s crying for him… and he can clearly see him and the beauty sketched over his face and streaming down his cheeks. He praised him for speaking without a hint of his emotion, but he wished he could kiss away the tears.

“Maybe.”

It’s all Gintoki can manage to breath, he’s awestruck and completely hazed.

“Then the tendoushin came for him, and I lost him. But I gained comrades, including Takasugi, Zura, Sakamoto, you know. The war struck, then after years of fighting we found him again, but lost him almost immediately. I usually dream about how I could have changed the outcome.”

“They forced you to choose between your comrades and your teacher… and your own life.”

“Yes.”

He smiled.

Was it weird that Gintoki felt that he wanted nothing more than to hold his hand right now?

“We lost him, and then I lost both of them… I don’t blame them, the only thing we had in common was the will we had to save our sensei…

I let myself be captured and forced into a few years of torture. It wasn’t all for nothing, I offered myself in place of a girl whose father was an asshole. Despite being the Shiroyasha the executioner let me go. Turns out he had adopted the little girl.

I think it was winter when the old lady found me, I was scraping the graves for food, I should’ve died there… but I found something again, and since then, I’ve been holding onto it - desperate to keep it… that made me think I was alone in the same fight over and over... I found Shoyo again, but different, then I lost him again, I found him, lost him, found him finally one last time, and then lost him again. That was the final goodbye. But I managed to keep what I found. Ive been doing a good job not losing anyone since, well… decent.”

Gintoki drank through two cups by the end. There’s was a slight chance Hijikata was already fully red and drunk on this high feeling. He had barely touched his second cup.

“I sent Yamazaki to investigate you once, it went horribly when I found out you were the Shiroyasha, I was livid. So I started reading, I went through about six history books and three supposed fictions. I had Yamazaki write me the final report, which was an awful idea, I don’t know what his obsession is with anpan.

Then I wrote it myself about a dozen times since then, but…”

-It does the actual story no justice.-

“Your turn.”

Gintoki looked at him, but he shyed away, embarrassed he would see his red eyes and nose. Crying isn’t something he does easily, and he’s already done it twice in the past week…

“My earliest memories are of my brother. He was only kind, and took me in when the rest of them rejected me as a bastard son. They would constantly remind me that I was the product of a sinful affair, and that my mistress mother was dead along with my father and my home. But then a fire broke out one night, and a group of bandits came and attacked us, they attempted to take me, probably as a hostage. But my brother stood in the way and protected me, he lost both his eyes, I was so angry. After that… I killed them all…

I don’t remember it, I just know that i did, I was standing in warm blood and holding onto a kitchen knife and every one of my half-siblings was staring at me horrified. I couldn’t face my family after that, so I left. I was about ten or eleven years old when I went out looking for trouble. It was ironically my atonement that led me farther astray but I became stronger than anyone. Then I met Kondo, the second person who had ever taken me in and showed me love. At the same time I met Sogo and Mitsuba, the first girl I had met, that was kindred and beautiful, a first love that came out from just that. We formed the Roshingumi and moved to Edo. But before that, I visited my brother one last time, I didn’t say a word to him, because there wasn’t anything I could say. He knew it was me, somehow. The last thing he told me to do was write to him… I started writing too late.”

Gintoki saw his expression now, a fake smile and a dead expression, lacking from any emotion as his mind wandered those memories.

Gintoki could only think of that letter he had delivered to a grave once.

He looked over to him again. Gintoki reached to catch Hijikata’s chin on his fingers. Hijikata turned with Gintoki’s fingers, and Gintoki was able to breathe in the full image of his partner’s stunning tear-streaked complexion. His teary eyes looked straight into his. The water reflected light in his eyes, and the drops fell with the curves of his face, and along the edge of his jaw, which was soft to his touch. There was nothing but beauty brimming from his melancholic state. Gintoki was lucky for such a handsome individual setting his sights on him.

“Your mother must have been beautiful.”

That may or may not have slipped out. But with a soothing smile.

“One of your parents must have had unruly mop hair.”

Hijikata swatted away Gintoki’s hand.

“You think so? Someone close to me once told me he theorized, I must have gotten silver hair from the trauma as a toddler… seems like the trauma seeped into my hair.”

“It’s more likely that your hair would be white not silver then-“

Gintoki shut his counterpart up by pressing their foreheads together.

“Thank you, Toshiro.”

“…”

He reached out to brush the hair on the back of his head and rest his troubles and thoughts on him. He thought he was actually sharing his strain with Gintoki, seeing as how his mind was an oasis right now, but he was really just in peace. Gintoki wasn’t half bad at this, in fact, he became someone Hijikata could lean on, intimately, with feelings that he’d always suppressed and things he never had a chance to say.

-It’s definitely different.-