Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Rose POV

I didn't have the strength to cry any longer, sitting against the wall of one of our training rooms at the Academy. The sobbing and spasmodic breathing exhausted me more than any training I had received here. All I could do was to rest againts the wall, and to let the tears stream down my face.

I dreamt about Dimitri even before he was turned into a Strigoi, although at the time, the dreams with him gave me more pleasure than suffering. After my time in Siberia and his attempt to kill me, he would occasionally haunt me in nightmares, with his red, unforgiving eyes and cruel expression. I would wake up terrified, reliving the dramatic events of Russia as if I had just escaped from his hands. However, I much preferred those nightmares to dreams like today.

Dreams in which I saw my good, kind Dimitri. In which we practiced at the academy, laughing and teasing each other. Or walking through the school grounds, wanting to touch each other at least with the tips of our fingers, but not daring to make the move. Sometimes I bandaged his wounds, and sometimes it was he who took care of my scratches. My imagination also went so far as to create scenarios we hadn't experienced - like decorating our house, going ice skating, and visiting new places together. In the most intense ones, I relived our one and only time in a cabin, when he held me close to him, saying he loved me and that he wouldn’t leave me. 

And then I had to get up. The grief I carried never let me forget about itself, but after every dream like this one, when I had him back for at least a few moments his loss hit me again. Just like that first day when I learned of his death. I had the feeling all over again that he was being ripped from me, and with him half of my heart, half of my soul.

When I woke up today from one of those dreams and remembered that my Dimitri was dead, once again something inside me snapped. I don't know how long I cried, how long I tried to stop the spasmodic breaths. I couldn't stand staying in the dark, empty room so I put on a sweatshirt and left my bedroom. 

Getting out of the "guarded" girls' dormitory was not a challenge. Gee, they really could have improved security after that attack on Academy in March. And all it took was my old trick of setting off the alarm upstairs, to which today's guardian rushed, to free my way outside.

I knew why I was drawn to the gym. Every time I was there, I had the feeling that Dimitri was about to walk through the door and after the first sarcastic comment we would start our lessons. It wasn't logical, but at least I could stay in this false suspense for a while. With the feeling that Dimitri was alive.

I sat crying, unable to control the dominant feeling of pain in my heart. It seemed so unbelievably unfair to me that I had Dimitri for such a short time compared to how much I loved him. How was it possible to take away such a real, strong love?

I heard footsteps and froze, afraid that someone might see me in this state. Suddenly, however, I felt through the bond that it was Lissa approaching. When she looked at me, her eyes softened.

„Oh, Rose,” she whispered and sat down next to me, hugging me close. Her concern made me feel even worse and new tears sprang from my eyes.

„What are you doing here? You should be in bed,” I ranted in a weak voice, although to be honest I had no right to reprove her.

„Meredith texted me. She heard someone running from the side of your room after the alarm went off.”

„You can't have any piece of privacy here anymore,” I muttered, unsuccessfully trying to dissuade her from the reason I was here. 

Lissa, however, paid no attention to my comment.  She stroked my head while I cried silently, unable to stop myself. The proximity of my friend had a soothing effect on me, taking away that sense of emptiness. However, nothing could return that terrible hole in my heart, torn from me with Dimitri’s death.

„Why won’t this stop?” I sobbed, pressing my hands to my heart. "It has been months, and I feel like I’m torn to pieces.”

“Because you really loved him," whispered Lissa, squeezing my shoulders. 

“I really try, Liss. I go to classes, I catch up on my work, I spend time with my friends, and all the time I feel like I'm one big open wound. It never ends,”I interrupted, feeling that I was on the verge of crying again.

“I'm so sorry,” she whispered. I moved away from her and pulled my knees up to my chin. We sat in silence for a while, when Liss spoke up in a soft voice. “I know it's probably hard to accept now, but it’s not over. You can still have happiness with Adrian.”

Tears leaked from my eyes, and I bit my lip to keep from crying. I threw Lissa a brief glance and she hugged her head to my shoulder. A cruel question hovered between us. But why couldn't it be Dimitri? 

“You really can experience this happiness with the one you love,” I finally said when I knew I wouldn't burst out crying. Liss moved away from me and threw me a pleading look, but I continued. “Seriously, Christian is about four hundred meters from us. You just have to go to him and tell him that you screwed up and you're sorry, but that you love him and want to be with him.”

“It's not that simple,” she replied softly, and a storm boiled up inside me,

“It is exactly that simple! You both love each other, you both live, you both want to come back to each other! Do you know how much I would give to have only my pride standing in the way? I don't understand it. If you want to tomorrow you can be in Christian's arms! You can kiss him and hold his hand. You can hear that he loves you…” my voice broke down, and I finally burst out into the tears I had so carefully tamed. 

Liss did not comment on my rant. Although I really wished for them to get back together regardless of everything else, at that moment I could not separate their situation from my shattered perspective. My friend let me cry into her sweater, holding me close.

We didn't speak for a while, letting the sun outside slowly set. I felt exhausted after that night and didn't have the strength to get up. But I knew we had to go and get ready to start the day before someone covered us.

“Thanks for staying with me, Liss,” I admitted, getting ready to rise. Although there was only love and understanding in her eyes, I felt guilty for dragging her out of bed. “I usually manage somehow, but sometimes…” the words stuck in my throat, and Liss was quick to spare me.”

“Stop, I really want to be here for you. I want to be by your side, especially in these moments.”

Her fingers found my hand and squeezed me lightly. I stood up, giving her my hand. She accepted it, getting to her feet.

“I was also thinking...,” she began to say as I escorted her to the Moroi dormitory, “that you too have a much more complicated - possibly impossible - way to get Dimitri back. And from what I remember, once we get our freedom, we will not rest until we have done everything we can to do it.”

Liss smiled radiantly at me, but my heart shrank at the thought. Hope was tricky. Treacherous. Although every day I thought about restoring Strigoi back to its previous form, I very rarely dared to truly believe in it. If losing Dimitri from my daydreams tore my heart, I didn't want to imagine the pain I would feel when I learned, according to everything we knew, that this last chance to get him back was false.

However, I knew I would try. Even if I never again got rid of the pain tugging at my heart, I knew I would do everything to test this unreal, so wildly improbable theory. Thinking about this, I put on my sportswear and went to tick off another day, bringing me closer to trying to save my Dimitri.