Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

At 21 years old, I never thought I’d be back in Texas. Yet here I was, sat in my dad’s old truck that he’s had since I was barely tall enough to climb in by myself and wondering how the hell I’d managed to fuck up my life. Again. I sit in glowering silence and glare out the window, watching the dust kick up from the wheels of the car and feel the weight of the unspoken conversation taking place between me and my dad. I can feel him glancing over at me every so often, knowing he’s probably trying to think of the right thing to say to me but failing. We’d barely said two words to each other since he picked me up from the arrivals gate at the airport and that was fine with me. I didn’t really have much to say to him.

I’d lived with my mum since they got divorced when I was 8. Young enough to adapt to being dragged across the county to start a new life in New York but old enough to start building up an unhealthy amount of resentment to both my parents for making me grow up around an unhealthy relationship that had only held on for as long as it had because I came into the world unexpectedly. They had tried to make it a good childhood for me, or at least that was what my earliest memories told me. It didn’t stop me from hearing the arguments late into the night whilst I hid under the covers in my room, too afraid to move. Then one day, out of nowhere, my parents had sat me down and told me that mummy and daddy weren’t going to be together anymore and that I was to leave with my mum. The sad, broken look in my dad’s eyes as he said it to me still sometimes plague my dreams.

Everything had settled down for a bit after we moved. Everything bright, shiny and new in the eyes of a young girl, trying to find some stability amongst all the chaos experienced in a short amount of time. A new home. A new school. New friends. New, new, new. Yet it soon got old. I tried hard to fit in, tried to put my resentment in a box and try to let my mum love me the best she could whilst she struggled to adapt to being a single mum in a new city. But it’s hard to let everything go when you have so many questions still. Why didn’t your parents fight harder to stay together? Why did your dad not ask to keep you with him in Texas instead of watching you leave? All of these feelings and thoughts churned in your head every day and built you into who you were. An angry, defiant and rebellious girl who was like the human equivalent of Fort Knox. And you were ok with that, had come to just accept that’s who you were. Unfortunately, it also had you getting into all kinds of trouble inside and outside of school.

The first time you had gotten suspended from school, your mum had half shouted and half cried. Asking what she had done for you to turn out like you had, getting into fights in class. Of course she had made it about herself. You hadn’t even bothered to give her an answer as you rolled your eyes, huffed loudly and stalked out the door without a backwards glance. The second time it had happened, this time for getting caught smoking in the school bathroom, she had threatened you with sending you away to a strict all girl’s boarding school. You had laughed as you walked out the house. It wasn’t until strike number 3 when you’d received a letter home from college saying you were on academic probation for skipping classes that your mum had reached breaking point. You’d come home to your bags packed whilst your mum tearfully said she’d had enough and she was sending you to stay with your dad because she couldn’t handle you anymore. For the bits you chose to listen to, she said something about your dad having a better chance at getting through to you because she was done.

So here you are, sat in the old truck, sweating in the Texas heat as you’re driven back to your childhood home for summer break. Great.

“Do you feel hungry? We can stop off and get some food?” Your dad’s voice croaks out, dry from the lack of talking.

“Sure” I say with a shrug, glancing over to look at him. “Burgers?”.

He nods in agreement, a relieved smile stretching his face at your suggestion. You pick up the food to go before spending the rest of the drive home in comfortable silence.

You’re halfway unpacking your things in your childhood bedroom when there’s a quiet knock on your door.

“Settling in ok?” Your dad asks, leaning in the doorway and awkwardly tapping his fingers on the frame.

I shrug in response as I fold more clothes on the bed. I hear him clear his throat, waiting for a lecture of some kind since we’ve not really addressed the reason I’m back here again.

“Look if you’ve got something to say, then say it” I grumble, not looking him in the eye.

“Kid…” he starts but I cut him off.

“I’m not a kid anymore, you’d remember that if you cared about me’ I cut in harshly, blowing a piece of hair out of my face as I fold my arms and look at him.

“You know I care about you kid. I never stopped caring. I was just trying to do right by you when you were little. I thought… me and your mum thought it would be best for you” he says earnestly.

I scoff and roll my eyes but let him continue talking.

“I know you’re angry and I don’t blame you. Hell I’d be angry too. But what you’re doing now? To yourself? It’s not good. You can’t keep getting into fights and ruining your life like this. You’ve got a smart head on your shoulders, you always have. And you’ve always been head strong.. I guess you can thank your mum for that” he muses, more to himself than to you. “But me and your mum agreed that maybe getting away from New York, coming back here where it’s more relaxed for the summer will do you good”.

“And did either of you think to ask me what I wanted? Or are we just playing the same game like when I was a kid and you shipped me off without asking?” I sarcastically throw back at him.

I catch the wince on his face and almost feel bad but I can feel that anger starting to burn inside my stomach. Years of frustration bubbling to the surface and my dad senses it. I can see from the look in his eyes as he debates what to do next.

Before either of you can snap back at each other, there’s a rough knock on the front door, putting an end to this discussion. Your dad sighs before turning around and leaving your room to go answer the door.

You sigh in frustration before going back to folding clothes before you can hear a voice from downstairs talking to your dad. You look around your childhood bedroom, not much has changed. There’s still the chipped paint on the dressers draws, a small stick figure drawn on the wall by your bed that your mum had shouted at you for. The soft pink curtains you’d loved when you were 5, framing that window that look out into the garden. Your mind is going through the memories when you hear your dad call your name from downstairs. Sighing, you head out the room to see what your dad wants.

You’re just at the bottom of the stairs when your eyes catch sight of the person he must have been talking to. You glance up and take in the other man before you. There’s something familiar about his hard face, those coffee coloured eyes, that dark curling hair and the scruffy beard. He looks back at you, a small smile tugging on his lips as he looks you up and down.

“Look who it is” his gravelly voice greets you.

I glance at my dad and raise my eyebrows, silently asking who is this guy?

“Guess you were too young to really remember Joel” he says, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

Chapter Text

The three of you are sat at the dining table after your dad insisted Joel stay for dinner. Whilst they’re discussing work, you’re wracking your head to try and remember your dad’s friend but mostly coming up blank. Just the odd memory of running around a backyard, splashing in a pool whilst the smell of barbecue lingers in the air. It’s not until you feel a soft kick at your foot under the table that you look up from the piece of pizza you’ve been tearing to pieces on your plate.

“Huh?” I startle, looking across the table at Joel.

“I asked how you’re feeling being back here?” he drawls, his eyes glinting in amusement as he takes a sip of beer.

I shrug in response before going back to the mess I’m making on my plate.

“Y’know, I remember you being a lot more chatty when you were younger.. could never get you to shut up” he chuckles softly, rubbing his beard in thought.

“Yeh well it’s been a long time since I was that girl you knew” I mutter back, trying to keep the irritation out of my voice.

You glance back at him and notice he’s looking at you with a knowing expression before humming in agreement. His calm and relaxed demeanour is both pissing you off and also making you feel slightly uneasy. There aren’t many people who stay so calm around you anymore. You’d kind of forgotten the feeling. More used to getting a rise out of people with your moody personality. But he’s not biting and it’s off putting for a reason you can’t quite put your finger on.

“Your dad told me you’re studying art at college. How’s that going?” He presses, not fazed by your lack of responses.

I look up and note the genuine interest in his expression. Surprised that your dad had even bothered to mention it to anyone, you feel a little bit of the anger you’ve been carrying all day melt away.

“Yeh.. it’s going well. I like being able to express what I’m feeling without using words” I find myself truthfully answering. I can feel a warm flush in my cheeks at admitting something I never tell anyone.

He raises an eyebrow at your answer and nods and you find yourself smiling despite yourself.

“Guess you’ve come a long way since you were scribbling stick figures all over the damn place huh Kid” your dad chips in, happy that you’re letting your guard down a bit. But at his words, you feel the smile fall from your face as you go back to grumpily eating your food.

Joel notices how quickly you go back into your shell and frowns slightly at you.

Your dad and Joel pick the conversation back up whilst you sit in silence and listen. It’s dark outside now and you’re wondering if you can skip out and go to your room when Joel rises across the table from you.

“I better get going.. got work early in the morning” he says in that gruff tone, looking over to you. “Your dad said you’re gonna have some time on your hands this summer and I could do with some help on some jobs if you feel like getting out the house for a bit tomorrow?” He asks the question slowly, like he was scared to ask.

I pause for a moment, caught off guard by the invitation. I’m about to come up with an excuse but like he can read my mind, Joel jumps in.

“I’ll let you boss me around if it’ll make you feel better kid” he grumbles, that glint back in his eye again.

I surprise myself by saying yes. I don’t know what the hell is going on but his calm presence feels like a cooling balm on all my frayed edges. It’s soothing and it’s addictive. The complete opposite to every interaction I’ve had with someone since I can remember. He says he’ll pick you up at 7am and with that he’s strolling his way out of your house, patting your dad on the shoulder as he leaves.

You mutter goodnight to your dad and make your way into your room and look at yourself in the mirror. You don’t look as angry as you’re used to seeing. If anything, you look slightly giddy. Your skin is flushed and your eyes are bright. What the hell is happening to me? You think.

It’s not until you’re drifting off into a restless sleep that you dream of dark brown eyes and scruffy hair.

Chapter Text

Your alarm blares early the next day and you find yourself grouchly reaching over to switch it off. Slowly blinking your eyes open and stretching your stiff joints; you sigh and throw the covers off you. You’re instantly regretting saying you’d help Joel before the haze of sleep is replaced with a fluttering in your stomach. You don’t have time to question the feeling before you hear your dad calling your name from downstairs. Muttering to yourself, you get dressed in a pair of denim shorts and a tank top, figuring you should dress for the Texas heat that you know is going to make you sweat as soon as you leave the air conditioned comfort of your home.

You moodily make your way down to the kitchen and see your dad has set a cup of coffee and some toast on the table for you. You grunt a thanks before sitting down and allow the buzz of caffeine to thread through your veins whilst staring out the window.

“You sure you’re ok helping Joel out today?” Your dad asks tentatively , his hand brushing the back of his hand.

“Sure… not got much better to do” you mutter in response.

“He’s a good guy… Joel” he replies, as if trying to reassure you. “Always did look out for you when you were growing up”.

You rise an eyebrow in response but don’t offer more to the conversation. Before you can sit in more awkward silence, there’s that rough knock on the door again.

You watch your dad’s friend stroll into the kitchen, broad shoulders stretching his navy t shirt and showing off his tanned arms which has you gulping down another sip of coffee.

“All ready to go kid?” His deep voice asks.

You nod before standing up and going to follow him. Before you can move past him though he grabs your arm. The touch makes you flinch and you glance up and lock eyes.

“You not gonna say goodbye to your dad?” He drawls, raising an eyebrow.

The feel of his skin on your arms and the smouldering look in his eyes has you feeling hot. You glance back and say bye to your dad whilst Joel nods on approval. He leads you out the door and holds the door open for you to climb into his truck. Without a word, he closes the door before climbing into the drivers seat.

You drive for what feels forever before he speaks again.

“He’s a good man.. your dad” he says.

You just roll your eyes and choose not to say anything. But he doesn’t let it slide.

“You need to cut him slack. He meant well with everything he did. He thought he was doing good by you. This attitude you’ve got isn’t fair” he finishes, glancing over at you.

“Did I ask your opinion?” I quip back, feeling irritated.

You notice his fingers tighten around the wheel and you feel that feeling in your stomach again.

“Look I get it. You went through shit when you were younger. And I get why you’re angry” he tries to reason.

“Really? You know what I went through?” You sarcastically retort.

Your response makes him tighten his jaw. Part of you feels smug at finally getting a rise out of him.

“You know the brat act normally gets old when you’re younger” he muses, tapping his fingers against the wheel before giving you a smirk. “Look, kid… I had a lot of built up anger when I was your age but it gets you nowhere. I know I’m not your dad but I at least get the free card of being able to tell you’re being unfair”.

“What gives you the right to tell me how I’m to feel?!” You throw back at him, facing him in your seat now.

“I saw you grow up, I saw what your parents went through and I was around to pick up the pieces for your dad” he says in a stern tone. “You need to cut him some slack because I can tell you now, you’re dragging yourself down and you’re hurting your dad who did nothing but try to make you happy” he says in such a final tone that it makes you sit back and stay silent.

When you don’t say anything he reaches over to squeeze your knee in what you assume to be comfort. Any other time it probably would calm you down but the touch of his warm hand again makes your stomach clench.

Before you can process what that feeling is, the truck is pulling to a stop. Joel shuts off the engine and climbs out the truck. You mentally pull yourself together before climbing out into the heat and dust of the construction site he’s brought you to. You watch him head over to a few other guys who are busy carrying things and look around. You’re in the middle of what looks like a house renovation. Before you can question too much, Joel is strolling back over to you, a hard hat in hand.

“Feeling up to carrying some supplies for me” he asks with a smirk on his face as he places the hard hat on your head.

If any other man had done this, you’d have thrown the helmet at him and walked off laughing. But for reasons you can’t quite understand you find yourself nodding.

He hands you a bag of cement and points you in the direction of where it needs to go. As you’re walking off you can’t help hear him softly say “good girl”.

Chapter Text

Good girl. The words buzz around your head as you shift the bag on your shoulder and slowly make you way over to the porch of the house as directed. You drop it to the floor and take a moment to catch your breath and wipe the bead of sweat making its way down your temple. Joel had said those words in such an offhand way but they had made you almost shiver in response. What’s wrong with you? Before you can overanalyse, you glance across the space to watch Joel ordering his crew around. You take time to really take him in for the first time and you can’t deny he’s ruggedly handsome in that older guy kind of way. You admired the determination on his face as he talked to those around him, moving with a confidence and grace that came from years of experience on honing his craft. His strong hands effortlessly moving things around whilst you could see the muscles in his arms flex when he picked up something particularly heavy. You’re so caught up in just staring at him that you’re not paying attention to where you’re walking as you make to head back over to him. Before you can catch yourself, you’re falling heavily to the dusty ground after not noticing the heavy wrench lying on the floor. You wince and curse under your breath as you look at your knee, now bloody and studded with small rocks. You don’t even notice him crouching down to make sure you’re ok.

“You ok Kid?” That low voice asks, laced with concern.

You glance up and lock eyes with him. His dark gaze is staring intently at you, moving over the rest of your body to make sure nothing else has been hurt.

“Yeh it just stings.. wasn’t watching where I was going. Sorry..” you stutter out.

You’re less aware of the pain now his large hand is touching your leg to check the damage. His touch is soft and delicate, so different to how his strong calloused hands should feel. You can’t help but notice how his hand looks so big compared to your small frame. You go to move but he just tuts at you.

“It’s ok kid, I’ve got you. Gonna take care of this for you” he drawls, standing up with you cradled in his arms.

Before you can even protest, he’s carrying you off to his truck like you weigh nothing in his arms. That feeling buzzes in your stomach again. He feels so warm against your body and you’re enveloped in his smell. It’s warm and spicy mixed in with sweat from his exertion in the hot Texas heat. For the first time since you got back, you feel safe.

He sits you down in the bed of his truck before going to retrieve the small first aid kit from the passenger side. He sets it down next to you and starts wiping your knee down with an antibacterial wipe. You can’t help the hiss that escapes your lips and note that his fingers squeeze your ankle lightly. He finishes wiping your knee down and secures a bandage around it. Clicking the box shut again, he leans over to admire his handiwork before giving your thigh a light pat. You’re staring at the stray strand of hair that’s stuck to his forehead when you realise he’s talking to you.

“You didn’t bang your head did ya?” He grunts in amusement, noticing how you’re dazedly looking up at him.

“N-no… just the knee”, you managed to stammer out, feeling your cheeks heat at how he’d caught you staring.

He hums in response before holding his hand out to you to help you down to the floor again. You hand is dwarfed by his and it makes you feel giddy.

“Thanks for the patch up, didn’t know you had a part time hustle as a doctor”, you say cheekily, trying to not focus on the heat from his skin.

“Ah there she is, for once your sarcasm is actually reassuring” he throws back at you.

You grin in response before dusting your shorts down and lean against his truck.

“You should smile more often Kid, happy looks good on you” he mutters over his shoulder as he walks off to go help with the work.

You can feel your stupid smile stretch your face as you go to grab some water to try and cool down. Several hours later, you’re back in his truck and sitting in comfortable silence. The radio is playing quietly in the background and Joel is tapping his fingers on the wheel as you look out the window, watching the roads go by.

“Your dad called me earlier” he says, rough voice breaking the silence.

“Oh yeh?” You say, looking over at him, admiring how at ease he looks.

“Yeh he said he’s had to go out on a job.. probably gonna be home late”.

“Cool, free house to me then. Shame I don’t have any friends here, could have thrown a great party” you smirk.

He looks over to you and raises his eyebrow in bemusement. “Real funny kid” he says wryly.

You giggle in response and notice how he’s fighting to not smile at your sass. It makes you feel dizzy. He pulls into your drive but doesn’t switch the engine off. There’s a small pang of disappointment, you were hoping he would come in with you. God knows why. Just as you’re getting out of his truck and are about to close the door, he reaches his hand out to you with a small scrap of paper.

“Here, take my number. If you need anything whilst your dad’s out then you give me a call or text ok?”, he says in that low serious tone that means he’s not joking.

“You do know I’m an adult who is capable of looking after herself, right?” You tease, taking the paper.

“Yeh don’t I know it darlin’, you were a lot better at doing as you were told when you were younger” he drawls back at you.

You smirk but promise you’ll contact him if anything goes wrong which seems to appease him. You walk to your door and go to close it before glancing over and see Joel is still in your drive, dark eyes on you.

Chapter Text

You close the front door and hear the truck drive off. You take the time to lean against the door, eyes squeezed shut whilst you focus on calming your racing heart. His damn eyes were going to be the death of you, you’re convinced. You head to the kitchen and pour yourself a glass of cold water and gulp it down. Your thoughts are filled with the day.. filled with Joel. All the anger and resentment you had carried around with you for as long as you could remember seemed to evaporate when he was around you. You figured it was because subconsciously you knew he had been looking out for you back when you were a kid. Almost like he was unknowingly your comfort blanket before you had been whisked away to New York. You can vaguely remember pool parties and barbecues round his house, you’d run around laughing and squealing when your dad has thrown you into the pool. Just before you could get too lost in the memories of your childhood, ones that you thought you’d forgotten about, the lights in the kitchen go out. Cursing out loud, you go to look out the window and notice the lights are on in the house next to you. Not having a clue why the power was out in your house, you reluctantly toy with the idea of messaging Joel. He’d said to call if you had any problems right? It’s not like you were reaching out for no reason.

Any excuse to speak to him again, your subconscious gloats.

Shaking it off, you pull your phone out of your pocket and type in the number from the piece of paper.

*Hey I’m sorry for bothering you but the power in the house has gone out and I don’t know what to do*

You hit send and anxiously wait, sitting down on the sofa whilst rubbing your neck to try and ease the tension there. A few minutes later, your phone is buzzing and his name flashes up on your screen.

“Knew I couldn’t leave you alone to fend for yourself for 5 seconds” his warm voice chuckles over the phone.

“Oh you’re so funny aren’t you”, you grouch back, rolling your eyes to yourself.

“‘S probably just the mains that need flicking back on. You know where they are?”, his lazy drawl asks.

“Not a clue, but how about you make yourself useful and tell me where they are?”.

“No chance kid. Knowing you, you’ll probably cause yourself an injury again walking around in the dark looking. I’ll come round, just give me 5”.

You go to protest before he’s cutting in again: “just let me come help, Kid. It’ll give me peace of mind. Can’t have you sittin’ around in the dark all night. God knows what trouble you’d get up to. I’ll be there soon” he says in a stern tone before hanging up.

Well then, that was that. It was a rare occurrence where someone put you firmly in your place without you getting to argue back. The thought made your skin tingle. 10 minutes later, you hear Joel pulling into your drive. You hear him knock before opening the door.

“Kid?” You hear him call out.

You get up and go to greet him, the dim light from the streetlights casting a soft glow over him as he hovers in the door way.

“You know you don’t have to call me Kid anymore?” You tease him.

He gives you a grunt in response before flicking on the torch he has in his hand. You notice how the ends of his shaggy hair are damp and curling at the ends. He must have showered recently and you feel the muscles in your stomach clench at the thought.

“You’ve kinda been my knight in shining armour today..” you say, nudging him with your elbow.

You feel him tense up at the contact and wonder if you’ve finally been too sassy with him. But you feel yourself holding back your smirk when he turns to look down at you, an uncertain look in his eye which you can’t decipher.

He clears his throat and heads towards your basement without replying. You follow him down the stairs into the dark room and feel yourself shiver. He must notice because he reaches out to rub your arm gently. His warm touch seems to ignite something in you and you feel your body flood with heat. Before you can lean into his touch though, he’s pulling away and opening the little box on the wall. The war going on in your head makes you want to say something to him but before you do the light is suddenly flooding into the house.

Joel closes the lid on the box, switching off the torch and turns to face you. You blink up at him, your eyes adjusting to the sudden brightness. His warm eyes are looking down at you but there’s a deep furrow between his eyes.

“All fixed… you gonna be ok by yourself?”. His voice is so low that you feel yourself wanting to inch closer to him.

Your voice sounds almost breathless when you finally get your words out: “yeh I’ll be fine.. thanks for fixing it for me”.

He nods before leading the two of you back upstairs and back to the front door. He stops for a moment, shifting his weight onto his leg as if he’s waiting to say something. You can’t hide your surprise when he looks at you and tucks a stray hair behind your ear.

“Let me know if anythin’ else needs fixing darlin’” he says softly.

You nod before watching him leave your house and climb back into his truck.

His words are still ringing in your ears and the touch of his fingers brushing your hair back linger as you go to climb into bed. You reach for your phone and stare at your message to him. You know you shouldn’t be saying anything more to him. He’s helped you enough today but you’ve always been impulsive. Before you even stop yourself, your fingers are typing out another message.

*Thank you for helping me today*

A few minutes later your phone buzzes once and you quickly read the incoming message.

*Any time, darling. Go to sleep*

You feel a smile stretch your lips before it quickly fades away… you’re fucking falling for your dad’s best friend.

Chapter Text

You don’t hear or see from Joel over the next few days. You spend the first day desperately wanting to talk to him again before firmly pushing the feeling back down. Don’t be an idiot is your self mantra. You spend your days lazing round the backyard, letting yourself enjoy the quiet and the sun. You even allow yourself to be reasonable around your dad, not snapping back at him or giving him too much grief.

‘Cut him some slack’ - Joel’s words float into your head when you’re sunbathing and you allow yourself to relax and be more thoughtful with your actions.

You’ve been home for just over a week now, finding yourself slip into an easy enough rhythm around your home town with your dad. You’re sat having dinner, catching up on each others day and the conversation is flowing easily enough. You’re not going to ever admit it but you really do feel like a different person being back here with your dad. God, you’re such a cliché.

“So one my buddies asked if you’d be up for going out with his daughter” your dad slowly says, like he’s testing the water with you.

You raise an eyebrow in response before he continues. “Figured it would be good for you to make some friends, save you having to hang out around here by yourself or with your old man” he chuckles.

You consider his words for a few moments whilst your chew your food before telling him sure, that’ll be nice. He tells you he’ll pass over your number to his friend before he has your ears perking up.

“Joel was asking after you”, he says casually.

“Oh yeh? What about?” You ask as innocently as possible.

“Yeh was checking in on how your knee was. He’s a good guy Joel”.

You hum in agreement, not daring to look at your dad in case you blushed.

“I invited him round for dinner on the weekend, that ok with you?”

“Why wouldn’t it be?” Your voice comes out more defensive than you intended and you internally wince.

“No reason, just thought I’d run it by you” he says, eyeing you cautiously.

You don’t talk anymore about it before you’re standing up and washing up the dishes. Your dad stands near you for a second before placing his hand on your shoulder lightly.

“It’s nice having you back” he says softly before turning and heading to the living room.

You sigh to yourself once he’s gone. You can’t help feel calmer being back here with him and away from your mum. But you can’t tell if that’s purely the reason or if it relates more to the handsome man who has been haunting your dreams.

You get a text the next day, it’s from a girl called charlotte who lets you know her dad had given her your number. She invites you out to a local bar to meet up and you instantly text back a quick yes! You swap details and agree to meet later at 8pm at ‘Dusk’, one of the few bars in town.

You spend your afternoon relaxing and prepping for your night out. Not knowing if bars in the area were as high maintenance as New York before settling on a smart casual look. You settle on a form fitting black dress which just brushes above your knees and apply minimal makeup. Satisfied with your look, you head downstairs and call out to your dad, asking if he’s ready to drive you over.

“Damn kid, you brush up well” he says in a jokey way.

You roll your eyes but thank him and follow him out the door. 15 minutes later, he’s pulling up to the pavement and tells you to have fun. You tell him not to wait up and you’ll get a taxi home.

You walk into the bar and look around. It’s busy already seeing as it’s a Friday night and you notice a girl with dark hair waving over to you. You head over and smile, introducing yourself.

“Hey girlie! I hope this isn’t weird. Our dads got chatting and they realised we were around the same age and thought we’d get on” she babbles.

“No it’s cool, it’s actually a relief to finally be around someone my own age! Being around middle aged men all the time will drive a girl mad” you giggle.

She’s nodding in agreement before asking what you want to drink. A few minutes later, you’re both sipping cocktails and swapping life stories. Her eyes go wide at the stories you tell her, revealing a particular bad story of how you got into a rather compromising position with a man 15 years older than you when you were 18 that appalled your mother. She’s choking on her drink as you spill all the details, the alcohol letting you loosen up and chat freely.

“Damn girl, you make me sound like I’ve been living the life of a nun” she smirks at you, slurping up the dregs of her drink as you finish your story.

“Honestly, it’s nice being somewhere where life is so much slower and quiet” you muse, finishing off your own drink.

“So what are you doing to keep yourself busy since you came back?” She asks curiously.

Your mind immediately flashes to Joel but you don’t want to go there. It’s not like anything has happened or is going to happen.

“Nothing really, it’s been a pretty uneventful week since I got back” you say, pushing the straw around your empty glass.

She eyes you curiously, almost like she knows there’s something you’re not saying but lets it slide. Instead she’s pulling you over to the bar to buy more drinks and you’re more than happy to oblige. You’re both knocking back shots and toasting to new friendships when you feel someone press up next to you. You glance over and take in the tall guy, he’s got a slender build but you can tell he’s lean and muscular under his button up shirt. He smiles at you, all white teeth, dimples and light eyes.

“Hey, you new around here? Think I’d remember a pretty face like that” he drawls in a southern twang.

You scoff at the cheesiness of his line but he takes it in his stride.

“Can I buy a drink?” He presses, fixing you with an intense look that has your brain stalling.

“You can buy us both a sex on the beach” charlotte jumps in, smirking at you.

The mystery guy glances between the two of you before signalling to the bartender.

Drinks in hand, you make small talk with the guy who bought them for you. Whilst the conversation flows between the three of you, you can’t help your drunk hazy mind wondering back to Joel. You wonder what he’s doing. You wonder if he’s looking for to coming over for dinner tomorrow and seeing you. You know you’re being stupid but you can’t help it. The alcohol is making you pine for him. Before you can stew on it too long through, you notice the tall guy next to you is staring at you.

“Sorry, was just thinking about something. What did you say” you ask innocently, sucking at the straw in your drink.

“Can I get your number? It would be good to meet up again?” He asks tentatively.

You pause for a second before reciting your number to him and saying you and your friend are going to go sit down again.

Once you’re sat back at your table, charlotte grins at you and wiggles her eyebrows.

“What’s that look?!” You laugh.

“Girl he is fine! If you don’t go out with him then I’m going to try” she laughs, nudging your foot under the table.

You chuckle back at her and spend the next few minutes talking about mr mystery guy before you’re staring at your phone again. You didn’t even realise you had done it before you’re staring at the last message from Joel telling you to go to sleep. Alcohol is humming through your veins and good sense has long been abandoned. Before you can either question whether it’s a good idea, you’re typing out a message.

*hey mr saviour*

You’ve pressed send without even questioning your good sense and giggle with your new friend about some guys you notice are stumbling across the room. You’d even forgotten you’d sent a text before your phone buzzes once.

*should I even ask?*

You cough on your drink and try to stop the heat from rising to your cheeks. Charlotte looks at you in concern but you brush it off as best as you can.

*m a little bit drubk*

*always said you can’t be left to fend for yourself*

You roll your eyes at his message and go to text a sarcastic reply before your phone is buzzing again.

*need me to come pick you up?*

Chapter Text

You don’t respond to his text. Not even when he sends another with a row of question marks. Even in your drunk addled brain, you know it won’t end up well. So you hug charlotte and promise to meet up again soon.

You’re in a cab heading home when your phone buzzes. You glance down and see Joel is calling. The alcohol is leaving your system slowly and you’re too embarrassed to pick up so you let it ring out.

You stumble up to your front door and after a few attempts, finally manage to get the key in the lock to open the door. You half way fall through before catching yourself and listen out for your dad. But you’re greeted with silence. You amble through the hallway as silently as you can. You stop to grab some water before heading up to your bedroom. You half struggle out of your clothes and curse softly when you knock your shin against your dresser drawers. Dressed only in your underwear, you sigh and flop onto your bed, eyes half closed and your vision slightly swaying. You reach for your phone and squint at the screen seeing the missed call from Joel and feel your gut clench.

*im home safe and sound so you can relax*

You’re nearly asleep when your phone buzzes, jolting you awake.

*you should have let me pick you up*

You half squint and half frown at the screen. You feel bad for messaging him.

*you didn’t need to do that. I’m not your responsibility*

*doesn’t stop me from worrying about you darling*

You swallow hard at his message and scramble to think about a reply. Before you can though, your phone buzzes again.

*don’t like to be sat here thinking you’re out drunk and in danger*

You swallow and think of a response.

*no one told you to sit around and worry*

You hit send and feel yourself seething for an unknown reasons.

Your phone buzzes again.

*don’t be a brat baby, you know that won’t fly with me*

You focus on your breathing, not wanting to think about the heat you feel starting to pool between your legs.

*im not a brat* you hit send forcefully.

Your phone buzzes and you hesitate to look before curiosity gets the better of you.

*you sure have a funny way of showing it. See you tomorrow, trouble*

You sigh and place your phone on your bedside table, fighting the urge to fight back at him. You’re currently hating the thought of his stupid scruffy beard and his stupid chocolate eyes. You wiggle down into the bedcovers and try to calm the feelings bubbling inside of you. But the petulant side of you tears inside of you. You’re grabbing your phone and furiously typing back.

*why do you care so much ???*

Your phone buzzes so quickly that you’re not expecting it.

*we’re not having this conversation over text*

You roll your eyes and text back

*you’re driving me crazy here, Joel*

*go to sleep*

With just enough alcohol flowing through you, you dare to try calling him but it goes to answerphone.

“Asshole” is all you manage to say out loud to yourself.

You throw your phone on to your bedside table, not caring about breaking it before clenching your eyes closed and curling into one of your pillows. Despite your best efforts, you can’t help remembering that spicy, warm smell and clenching just a bit tighter.

You wake up the next day, feeling your head struggling to keep up. You sigh and stretch before reaching for your phone. There’s a text from charlotte saying how much fun she had last night and asking to meet up again. There’s also a message from an unknown number asking you out on a date and your mind is flooded of the guy who chatted you up at the bar. You ignore it before going over the text chain from Joel. Groaning inwardly, you wince at the fact he’ll be coming over tonight for dinner.

You get up and make your way downstairs and see your dad hovering in the kitchen.

“Good night kid?l he asks.

You grunt and reach for coffee, not trusting yourself to talk yet. Sensing your mood, your dad doesn’t press it and allows you to sit in a comfortable silence.

“I’ve gotta head out for work but Joel will be round later so if I’m not back then can you keep him company till I’m back?” He casually questions.

You’re internally panicking but manage to nod in agreement. You’re sat lounging in the house, some trashy gossip show on tv when you hear the door knock. You hear it click open before that rich baritone voice filters through.

“Hello?”

You startle and jump up. You make your way into the hall and take in the man you’ve been thinking about non stop all week. His broad shoulder stretch the plaid button up shirt he’s wearing, his tight jeans frame his thighs perfectly like they were made for him. You can’t help thinking how unfair it is that he’s so perfect. You eye each other up, neither knowing what to say before he breaks the silence

“Hey kid”.

Chapter Text

The awkwardness settles in the air like thick fog. You find yourself not quite being able to look at him but try to act normal. Maybe you can just pretend like the texts last night hadn’t happened.

“Hey… can I get you a drink?” You ask, as nonchalantly as possible.

“Sure darlin’ but-“ he’s about to say something else but you don’t give him a chance. You nod and turn to head into the kitchen to grab drinks for you both, hoping it’ll give you some time to think of something to say. You pull open the fridge door and look in.

“Hey is beer ok?” You call out over your shoulder.

When you don’t get an answer straight away, you go to turn around with two bottles in your hand when you bump into a firm chest. You glance up and gulp when you see how close Joel is behind you. He doesn’t say anything but is staring into your eyes with an intensity that make your cheeks heat. He reaches out to take one of the bottles but wraps his large hand around yours which are still clutching the bottles. You notice how his jaw is clenched like he’s in pain and you hold your breath in anticipation. You look at him, a silent plea in your eyes trying to let him know you’re confused. Without a word, he takes the two bottles out of your hand and places them on the counter next to you both. He closes his eyes for a second as if he’s debating what to do next before he resumes just looking at you. The energy between the two of you feels charged and you’re mentally willing yourself to not reach out and touch his face right now. It’s like he can read your mind though because he takes a small step back and you let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“Why did you text me last night? He says in a voice so low that it sounds like a growl.

“I.. I don’t know. I was drunk, it was stupid. I’m sorry” you mumble, embarrassment washing over you.

“Y’know I’ve heard all about your behaviour, how you get rises out of people and get off on it. That what you were trying to do to me last night? Get me pissed off?” He says in a calm tone that makes your skin prickle.

You go to shake your head but he reaches out and holds your chin steady with his thumb and index finger. It’s a firm but soft touch, you could shake him off if you wanted to. But you don’t.

“No… it wasn’t like that” you say as earnestly as possible but your breath is coming out slightly breathless.

“You thought you could be a brat to me even after I’ve been looking out for you since you got back? Think that’s a nice thing to do to me?” He asks, a dangerous edge to his tone now.

You’re reaching for the right words before he’s leaning in again. You’re overwhelmed by the heat coming off his body, his smell, the feeling of the cotton of his shirt against your exposed arms. You’re consumed by Joel. You feel the warmth of his breath in your ear as he slowly whispers “going to have do something about this brattiness darlin’”. A small moan escapes your lips and you’re reaching for him when you hear the click of the front door. You freeze in panic but Joel has the good sense to move away from you, grabbing one of the bottles and going to greet your dad. What the fuck was that? You’re trying to calm yourself down and go to grab your own bottle but can’t stop the slight shake in your hands as you do so.

You’re sat at the dining table, sipping on your beer and scrolling on your phone when your dad and Joel join you. You look up but avoid looking at Joel and greet your dad.

“Alright Kid? Heard you were keeping Joel some company till I got back. Thanks for that”he says.

You flush and look at Joel, notching how he’s trying and failing to conceal the slight smirk he’s got on his face. Asshole. Narrowing your eyes at him as you reply: “guess this counts as caring for the elderly, my good deed for the day is done”. That wipes the smirk off his face. Good. Your dad chuckles at you and goes to grab a drink for himself. Whilst his back is turned you stare at Joel, that dangerous look is back in his eyes and you gel a small feeling of satisfaction of pissing him off but you can’t help feel like you’ll end up paying for that somehow.

Your dad is completely oblivious to the silent pissing contest going on between you and Joel as he babbles on about his day as he plates up food for you all. You’re trying to listen to what he says but you’re mentally replaying the scene in the kitchen before he’d got home. What did all of this mean? You know you want Joel, even more so now you’ve seen this different side to his usually easy going persona. But did you think Joel would even look twice at you? Fuck no. You look across the table and see Joel looks as equally as distracted, that deep furrow between his eyes as he glares at his plate.

“You guys want to watch a movie?” Your dads words break through your ambling thoughts.

You’re about to decline as politely as possible without raising suspicion about wanting to hastily depart to your room but Joel is cutting in before you can get your words out.

“Sure” his gravelly voice sounds normal again. He looks at you as he says it and jerks his head towards the door. A silent command for you to lead the way to the living room. You glare in response but it’s like your body is thrilled by the silent command and you’re sat on the sofa before you even realise you’ve moved. Your dad sits in his usual armchair which leaves only one place for Joel to sit. Next to you on the sofa. Shit.

The room is dark as the movie starts up, some dumb action film that you wouldn’t be interested in anyway but is now impossible to follow. All you can think about is how Joel is so close next to you, you could reach out and touch him if you were brave enough. And well, if your dad wasn’t sat in the same fucking room as you. The temperature has dropped thanks to the open windows letting in a cool breeze and you feel yourself shiver slightly. Joel must feel it because he reaches out to the blanket folded up on the floor next to you and is pulling it over the both of you. You go to tell him you’re fine but he clocks you with that stern gaze, almost like he’s silently daring you to tell him no. You huff but don’t say anything and turn your eyes back to the screen.

The film continues on for a while and your dad and Joel trade comments about certain scenes. You try to get into it so you can distract your racing thoughts but then you feel him. His warm fingers start lightly tracing over your thigh under the blanket and you go rigid. He glances at you out of the corner of his eye and that stupid smirk is back on his lips. You go to shuffle away from him but his hand grips your leg firmly, keeping you in place. Once he’s confident you’re not going to move away, he resumes his light tracing of your skin. Two can play at that game you think and as subtly as you can, move your hand over to his leg. You feel him tense as he shoots you a glare. You raise your eyebrow in response and continue to explore his jean clad thigh. What you’re not expecting is to feel the hard bulge waiting for you as you move your hand higher. You palm it gently before giving it a soft squeeze. You hear a quiet grunt come from him before he’s lifting your hand off him and shuffling away from you. In the dim lighting of the room from the tv, you make out his hand clenching at his side, his chest rising and falling quicker than normal. There’s something innately thrilling about knowing you have this effect on him. Mr calm, level headed Joel Miller. This silent secret between the two of you is exhilarating but you know in the back of your head that you’re both playing with fire. You dimly remember a quote you once read about fire and you can’t help roll your eyes at the irony.

‘Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for his whole life’. You were currently an inferno and Joel Miller was the fuel.

Chapter Text

You’re used to making a lot of mistakes in your life. It’s almost like second nature to you now. You normally make spontaneous decisions and deal with the consequences later. But you don’t want to do that with Joel. You know he’s a good man, despite the events of *that* night. You feel yourself pining for him over the next few days while you actively avoid him. You don’t want to contribute to anything that will make him feel bad or feel regret at. So you set yourself with a steely determination to give both of you space. You don’t trust yourself around him right now, so you find yourself coming up with any excuse you can to avoid the situation.

“Joel is heading over here later, we’re gonna order in some food and watch the cowboys game if you wanna join” your dad brings up happily.

“As much as I’d enjoy watching a bunch of beefy football players go at it, I’ve got plans already” you reply.

Your dad chuckles at your response before asking if you need a ride anywhere.

“No it’s fine, thank you though. Erm… he’s coming to pick me up” you trail off.

“And dare I ask who ‘he’ is?” Your dad asks sarcastically, shooting a grin at you.

“Just a guy I met when me and charlotte went out the other night” I say as vaguely as possible.

After deciding you needed space from Joel and also needed a distraction, you’d replied to the guy who asked for your number at the bar. You soon learnt his name was Andrew after an awkward text conversation where you had admitted you couldn’t actually remember his name. He took it in good nature though and was quickly asking if you wanted to go on a date with him. You’d agreed to it and had set a date and time for him to come pick you up.

You spend the late afternoon getting ready. Taking time to shower, moisturise and curl your hair. You select your favourite black dress that shows off your figure and are just finishing off the last touches to your make up when you hear a knock on the door. You pay it no attention as you glance at your phone and see you’ve still got 15 minutes before Andrew is due to pick you up. Grabbing your purse, you make your way down the stairs before coming to a stop. Joel is stood in the hallway, talking to your dad. Upon hearing you he looks over and you watch his eyes trail up your body before locking on to yours. His usually soft brown eyes are dark and glowering as he takes you in.

Your dad looks over in your direction too, smiling. “All ready for your date kid?” he asks in an upbeat tone.

You cringe internally but give him a tentative smile and nod.

“Where you off to?” Joel’s deep voice grumbles.

“Just out with a friend..” your voice trails off, not meeting his gaze.

He just hums in acknowledgment but you can still feel the burn of his eyes on your body. Before anyone says anything else, your phone buzzes once and you glance it.

“My ride is here, don’t wait up” you say, looking at your dad.

Your dad tells you to have fun before heading into the lounge. You’re left in the hallway with Joel and you can’t help anxiously shifting from foot to foot. You finally pick up the courage to look at him and clock the torn look on his face. You don’t say anything and go to walk past him and then you feel his fingers digging into your shoulder.

“Call me if you need anything” his low voice says to you.

Nodding at his words, you wiggle out of his grasp and make your way out the door before you can turn back and touch him.

You head out on your date and find yourself having a surprisingly good time. He takes you to a semi decent bar, lets you order whatever you want and trades stories as you both drink. You’re laughing at a stupid story he’s telling you about how he once fell into a lake trying to rescue a dog before the creature casually swam round him and climbed out like nothing had happened when you feel your phone buzz in your pocket. You pull it out when Andrew goes back over to get you more drinks and glance at the screen.

You swallow when you see Joel’s name and read the message:

*having fun?*

You know you should ignore it but you’re slightly tipsy now and your impulse control is seriously lacking. Guess you’re a sucker for punishment. You message back.

*lots of fun, thanks for the concern*

He replies straight away.

*can I pick you up when you’re done?*

You roll your eyes, why can’t he just leave you alone. You’re trying to do the right thing for the first time in your life. You type back as casually as possible.

*don’t think my date would like that*

You watch Andrew start to make his way back over when your phone buzzes again.

*I don’t really give a fuck baby*

You stare wide eyed at his message and hastily tuck your phone back in your pocket. Trying to calm your racing heart and the heat pooling between your legs, you gratefully take the drink offered to you and take a large gulp. You pick up your conversation and enjoy the easy southern charm that he lays on thick for you. You’re silently cursing yourself because he’s funny, he’s easy to talk to and he’s so god damn handsome. But you can’t help your mind wondering to think about a man with scruffy, curly hair and molten eyes and calloused hands that make you weak in the knees. You clearly missed out on the good sense chip when you were born. Andrew excuses himself to go use the bathroom and swallowing the feeling of being a complete bitch for so many reasons, you reach for your phone. You text Joel the bar you’re at and it doesn’t take long before he’s messaging you back.

*be there in 10*

You drop your phone on to the table and finish off the dregs of your drink. You look up guiltily as Andrew makes his way back to you, a goofy smile on his face.

“You want another drink or we can go somewhere else” he says, soft eyes looking at you.

“Actually… I have a ride picking me up” you blurt out.

His eyes flash with confusion.

“Sorry.. did you not enjoy yourself? I thought we were having a good time” he says, a slight pout on his lips.

“No! I really had a great time” you say reaching out to touch his hand. “Just.. my dad wanted to make sure I got home safe” you stutter out, the lie making your cheeks heat.

Andrew looks at you curiously but lets it slide. You kind of wish he’d kicked up a fuss to make you feel better. He insists on waiting outside with you whilst you wait for your ride. You’re making small talk before you watch Joel’s truck pull into the car park. Telling Andrew your ride is here, he pulls you into a hug and leans in to whisper in your ear:

“I had a great time, maybe we can go out again sometime?”.

You give his arm a squeeze and tell him you’ll text him before making your way over to the truck and climbing in. You don’t really know what to expect considering how things were left between you and Joel. Neither of you say anything as he pulls out into the road and starts to drive back in the direction of your house. Alcohol making you brave, you’re the first one to break the silence.

“Why did you text me”.

“I don’t know”.

“Why did you ask to pick me up?”.

“I don’t know”’.

“Is there anything you do know?” I say sarcastically, my impatience is picking up.

He glanced over at me once before speaking:

“Don’t be a brat”.

You fix your gaze to the road ahead of you, not daring to say anything else.

Soon, you’re pulling into your street but you don’t pull into your driveway.

You glance over at Joel as he switches off the engine, his hands are gripping the steering wheel so tightly that his knuckles are taunt and white. You let the silence shroud you both whilst you fidget in your seat. After what seems forever, Joel looks over at you and he sighs softly.

“Do you want to come into my place?” He asks softly.

Not trusting yourself to speak, you nod and get out of the truck. He joins you and guides you into his house with his hand at the base of your back. You step inside as he flicks on a lamp that bathes the room in a soft glow. You anxiously stand there, fiddling with the hem of your dress as you watch him drop his keys onto a side table.

“You want a drink or anything” he grunts, moving past you.

“No I’m good thanks,. Joel.. what are we doing?” You ask, your voice small and confused.

He stands across from you with his arms crossed across his board chest and fixes you with a pained look.

“I don’t know what I’m doin’” he admits as he drags his hand through his hair.

You step towards him slowly, not wanting to spook him. He’s so tall compared to you, you have to stretch your neck up to look at him. Cautiously, you reach out and place your hand on his chest. He flinches slightly but doesn’t pull your hand off him. You let your hand rest there until he relaxes slightly. He looks down at you and his brown eyes are so dark that it’s almost hard to distinguish any of the warm shades that you’re used to seeing.

“I shouldn’ have brought you here” he whispers.

“Then why did you?”.

He pauses for a second, considering your words and letting a shaky breath leave his mouth before taking your hands in his. He leans down and presses his lips to yours. He’s warm and tentative and you can’t stop from lacing your hands around his neck to bring him closer. He groans into your lips as he backs you both towards his sofa. You feel your legs knock against it before he’s gently lowering you down so you’re spread out on your back. Not wanting to be apart from him, you grab his shirt and pull him down onto you.

He grunts at the motion but settles down on top of you, greedily taking your mouth back to his and running his large palms over your body. Joel takes the lead and presses you back into the sofa, dominating the kiss between the two of you. Your whole body tingles with the feel of him over you. He breaks apart for a moment, gazing into your eyes.

“Is this ok? Do you want me stop?” He asks, slightly out of breath.

You know if you say no that’ll he respect it but you don’t want to. “Please don’t stop” you beg.

He pauses for a second before tilting his head in acknowledgment before grabbing your ankles and tugging you down the sofa beneath him.

He returns to searing your exposed skin with wet kisses. His teeth graze along your neck and collar bone before lowering to your chest. His fingers trail up the inside of your thigh and you moan at the sensation. His fingers continue ghosting over your skin till they’re rubbing on the outside of your underwear and it’s his turn to groan when he feels how wet you are. You rock your hips against his fingers as you try to get some kind of relief. He tangles his fingers in your hair and tugs sharply which makes you arch and expose your neck more. He takes advantage and sucks softly at the skin there. You’re squirming under him as all of the sensations overwhelm you. Joel pulls back and you’re about to beg him to keep going before he’s pushing your dress further up your body. Your anxious mind momentarily panics about being so exposed to him but you don’t get time to dwell too long before he’s shuffling back slightly and his hot mouth is pressing soft kisses up your thighs. You tangle your fingers in his curly hair which drag a low moan from him. He continues his torturous pace up your body and it’s like he can sense your impatience because he slides his fingers into your underwear.

“I should leave you like this after the stunt you pulled the other night” his voice sounds muffled against your skin.

“I didn’t start it” you whine in response, trying to get him to move his fingers.

He chuckles at that and slides his fingers up through your wet heat, bumping over you clit in the process. The groan he gets in response has him humming in scarification. He’s got you right where he wants you and he knows it.

If your mind wasn’t clouded by pure sexual frustration, you’d probably hit him for his cockiness. Instead you’re begging him.

“Please Joel”.

“Tell me what you need baby” he drawls between pressing more kisses to the inside of your thighs.

You moan and grind against his fingers. Apparently that’s all the encouragement he needs because before you can beg more he’s shifting above you again. He takes your lips in his and kisses you fiercely before pushing two thick fingers into you. You moan into his mouth and arch your hips up to meet the thrust of his fingers. The noises you’re making must stir something in him because he picks up the pace. He moves them in and out hard and with pace, hitting the heal of his hand on your clit with every upstroke. You’re panting now and can feel that tight coil of pleasure low in your belly.

“Joel” you manage to gasp out.

“What is it baby? What do you need?” His voice is strained now and you take time to look him in the eyes. They’re dark as night and it only makes you clench.

“More” you manage to pant out.

Understanding the message, he adds a third finger whilst capturing your lips in his. Your breathing becomes more unsteady as he pushes you towards your orgasm. He continues kissing you like a man who will never get the chance again and between that and the pace his fingers are pushing up into you it makes you feel dizzy. He bends his long fingers inside you which sends a jolt through your body and you’re moaning so loud that you worry his neighbours are going to hear. You vaguely think how you’re going to be sore tomorrow at just this but you can’t find yourself caring. You want to remember the feeling. He continues pushing in and out until you feel your orgasm overwhelm you. You clamp down on his fingers and he slows down gradually, drawing the pleasure out of you. When you sink down, he pulls his fingers out and looks down at you. Looking intently at you he pushes his fingers into his mouth and moans softly. You feel your cheeks blush at the intimacy of it.

You lie there panting slightly before Joel pulls your dress down again.

“That was….” You let your words trail off.

Joel looks at you, that pained expression on his face again. He stands up and reaches his hand out so he pull you up. His hair is all ruffled from your fingers and he looks adorably out of sorts.

“I… I shouldn’t have done that” he says, taking a step back from you and looking at the floor.

You feel anger flood your body.

“Well it happened” you say, crossing your arms across your chest.

When he doesn’t meet your gaze you snatch up your purse and march to the door.

“Kid wait-“

“No. You don’t get to fuck with my head with whatever this” you angry growl, holding your hand up to him.

He stops his movement towards you and looks at you with something in his eyes. It’s not until you’re storming out his house with tears stinging your eyes that you pinpoint that look. It was regret.

Chapter Text

You hastily make your way back to your house. Thankfully it’s not far to go but the lingering effects of alcohol and your post orgasmic bliss make your journey back somewhat of a struggle. That and the tears that are now running freely down your face. You stumble into your house and send a silent thanks to all of the gods and devils that the house is silent and your dad is nowhere to be seen. You go into your bedroom and somehow find some self restraint that keeps from slamming the damn door behind you. You practically tear off your dress and don’t even bother to remove your makeup before crawling into bed and finally let the sadness of how your night ended embrace you.

You can’t remember falling asleep but your steady sobbing must have pulled you under at some point and you find yourself squinting at the light that’s filtering into your room. You groan and pull a pillow to cover your head as you debate screaming into it. Once you’ve calmed yourself down slightly, you reach over to your phone and look at the screen. You hate yourself when your heart sinks a bit as you see Joel didn’t try to text or call you after last night. Asshole. Finally finding the energy to drag yourself out of bed, you head to the mirror to check out the damage. You wince at the birds nest that is now your hair and frown at the streaks of mascara that have settled on your cheeks from your late night sorrow. Fuck Joel is the mantra you keep playing in your head as you head to the bathroom to shower and try and erase everything from last night.

Towel wrapped around your body and one in your hair, you sit down on the edge of your bed and notice a message has come through on your phone. The pathetic part of your brain hopes it’s from Joel but you push that thought down. It’s from Andrew.

*hey, I know you said you’d text me and I’m very aware how pathetic this makes me sound but I just wanted to see if you wanted to meet up again?*

You roll your eyes but then think carefully about it. Sure, normally the over eagerness would be an ick but he’s showing you his hand and not playing any games. Your subconscious annoyingly decides to snark in your head how a certain *someone* wasn’t willing to treat you the same way. You decide to get dressed and get some breakfast in you before replying though. You’re just pouring yourself some coffee when your dad walks in.

“Hey kid, good night?” He asks whilst reaching over to pour himself a cup too.

You grip the mug so hard in your hands that you’re surprised it doesn’t shatter.

“Mhmm..” is the best response you can give him.

Your dad raises an eyebrow in response but has the good sense to not push it. He clears his throat but speaking again.

“So I meant to mention it to you the other day but Joel is hosting his annual bbq party today. Most people in the neighbourhood go over so if you don’t have any other plans then it’ll be good to come over with me”.

Your initial reaction is to say fuck that but then a plan starts forming in your head. You’re not proud of it but hell, you never claimed to be a good person.

“Sure, that sounds good!” You smile at him.

Your dad seems surprised by your enthusiasm but is happy and not going to complain.

“Can I bring a friend?” You ask.

“Sure, don’t see Joel having a problem with it”.

Yeh he certainly is, you sardonically think but instead just smile and walk back to your room. Joel wants to be an asshole then fine. Two can play at that. You head back to your room and pick up your phone and text Andrew back.

*hey! Yeh it would be good to meet again. Do you have any plans for today? Just my dad’s lame friend is hosting a bbq party and I’d like it if you came along*

You don’t have to wait long for him to text back saying sure so you send him the address and time to come over. Steely determination in place, you dry your hair properly and decide to catch up on some tv before you start getting ready for the bbq.

Does it make you a total bitch for dressing as slutty as you can get away with in front of your dad and his friends? Probably. Does it make you a bitch for inviting Andrew along even though you know you’re doing it to make a statement to Joel? Definitely. Do you feel bad? Not really. Yeh, that petulance you’d semi buried and tried hard to ignore since you got back to your dad’s was really rearing it’s ugly head right now.

It’s mid afternoon when you and your dad make your way over to Joel’s house. You can’t help the butterflies that are fluttering in your belly but you try to ignore the feeling. Your dad knocks on the door and a few seconds later, the man who you really did not want to be seeing right now opens it. He smiles at your dad before noticing you and the smile fades from his face. Your dad doesn’t seem to notice though and claps Joel on the back in greeting.

“Hope you don’t mind, this one invited one of her friends” he says, looking at you.

Joel doesn’t say anything but you notice how his jaw clenches as he nods a silent acceptance. He moves to the side to allow you and your dad to walk through.

You make yourself busy, grabbing a drink and following your dad around as he introduces you to people. They’re all polite and asking you questions about college and how you’re finding it being back in Texas. You soon feel exhausted from repeating the same answers to the same questions and you head to the cooler box outside to grab a drink. Pausing to take a long drag of beer, you check your phone and see Andrew had text you to say he was on his way. Still looking at the screen, you don’t realise who’s approaching you till it’s too late.

“Kid” you hear his gravelly voice say.

“Don’t” you hiss out, fixing him with a glare.

“Look can we talk about-“.

You cut him off. “No. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say” you say in a low but angry tone so no one can hear it.

You can tell he’s about to say something else but you’re saved by the bell. Literally. Andrew lets you know he’s outside the house. Not giving Joel another look, you move away from him and go to greet Andrew.

“Hey! I’m so glad you could come” you say, pulling him in for a hug.

It doesn’t seem he was expecting such a happy greeting because he’s grinning widely at you and giving you a squeeze in return. You take his hand and pull him through the house to the backyard and ask him what he wants to drink. You’re chatting away to each other and find yourself genuinely laughing at what he has to say when you notice your dad coming over.

“Hey kid, this your friend you invited?” He says, smiling at the two of you and extending a hand to shake Andrew’s.

“Hi sir, I hope it’s ok me crashing the party” Andrew says all southern charm and politeness.

You’re listening to your dad tell him it’s no bother at all and asking him all about himself when you catch something out of the corner of your eye. Joel is stood across the yard, dark glare looking directly at you as his hand strangled the bottle he’s holding. There’s a few seconds where you just stare at each other like that before you break the look and turn back to the conversation happening between the two men next to you. You’re smiling and joining in when you catch the sight of Joel storming off back into his house.

The sky is getting more dusky and you feel yourself relax a tiny bit for the first time all day. Joel seems to be doing a good job at hiding because you don’t see him since he stormed away. You’re chatting away to one your dad’s friends whilst Andrew chips in every so often when you go to excuse yourself to go use the bathroom. Andrew insists on coming with you, using the excuse of needing it to. You just shrug and go to ask your dad where it is. He gives you directions and you make your way there. Before you can head into the room though, Andrew is turning you around and pushing you up softly against the door. He’s staring at you with a hungry look in his eye.

“I’ve been wanting to kiss you all day.. is that ok” he whispers, not breaking eye contact.

You’re torn between wanting to kiss him too but also feeling slightly guilty that the whole reason you’d invited him over was to piss off the guy who owned the house you’re in. Before you can decide which way you’re going to go, your decision is made for you.

“I think you should leave” Joel’s voice growls.

The two of you break apart and you stare at the older man. How did he move around so fucking quiet all the time? You don’t have too much time to ponder on it though because you notice Andrew is looking confused and put out by the interruption.

“Look sir, I wasn’t-“ he starts to say earnestly but he’s cut off.

“I don’t fucking care, I want you out my house” he grits out. You’re kind of glad the fierceness of his glare isn’t directed on you currently. For now anyway. You’re caught between laughing and feeling pissed off at how quickly Andrew scarpers away from you and heads out the front door.

“Joel what the fuck?!” You shout at him.

He turns to look at you now and he’s still got that fired up look in his eyes that has you backing up. You feel your back hit the door for the second time in minutes and watch him close in and push his hands against it around your head.

“You’re really going to ask me what the fuck when you’re the one playing fucking games all day” he snarls at you.

“You have no right! Why do you care who I’m hanging out with especially after how you behaved last night!” You shout back at him.

His glare softens slightly at that but he still doesn’t move. After several seconds of silence he finally speaks.

“Of course I care” he whispers.

“It’s too late Joel” you respond firmly.

His face looks tortured for a second before whatever his brain has been working on makes him look calm.

“Just follow me” he says, gripping your hand in his.

You go to protest and pull away but the sharp look he gives you has you relenting. He pulls you after him and leads you upstairs to a door at the end of the hallway. You’re looking around the room when you hear the door click behind you.

“Too many people downstairs” he mutters.

“I shouldn’t be here. I don’t want to talk to you” you say as calmly as possible despite the fact your heart is beating so fast that you’re surprised it’s not bursting out of your chest.

“Look I’m no good at this… at talking about feelings and shit” his voice grumbles.

“Oh this is a great start” you sarcastically mutter.

“Can you just stop being so fuckin’ sassy for a second” he barks out at you. But he must see your eyes widen and follows up with a soft “please”.

His stupid brown puppy dog eyes are looking at you with what you determine to be sincerity so you bite your tongue.

“What happened last night.. we.. I shouldn’ have done that” he trails off.

You roll your eyes. “Look Joel if you’re going to just repeat everything you said last night then honestly just save yourself the breath”.

“I want you” he suddenly blurts out. And if you didn’t see it with your own eyes you would have never believed that Joel Miller could blush. Before you can say anything though, he’s steaming ahead with whatever it is he’s got to say.

“I want you and I know that’s wrong. I know that nothing can happen with this.. with us but I can’t stop myself from wantin’ it anyway”. His voice sounds pained and he’s struggling to keep his eyes on you as he lays his confession at your feet.

The cold part of you wants to laugh in his face and march out of his room but your flawed heart aches at his words. You take several steps towards him until you feel that familiar heat radiate off him onto you.

“What if I want you too?” You whisper, so quiet that you’re not sure you even said it.

His dark eyes fix on yours and you see the fleeting look of hope.

“Baby you don’t want me” he says gently.

“Don’t tell me what I want” you say fiercely and take a step closer.

Your words trigger something in him because he’s groaning and holding your head in his hands as he presses his lips hard against yours. You’re kissing him back just as hard and feel his tongue pressing to your lips asking for entry. You allow it and feel him moan softly against your lips. You pull at his shirt and he chuckles.

“Slow down baby, ‘m not going anywhere”.

You whine in frustration but he makes up for it by leading you both to his bed, not letting his mouth leave yours. He’s lowering you down gently until your back is flat on the surface. He stands above you looking like a flustered mess. A sexy fucking mess at that you think to yourself. He’s eyeing you up like you’re his prey and it makes your chest rise and fall in anticipation. You can’t help but notice the prominent bulge in his jeans. Your mouth is watering at the prospect of finally getting to feel it but it’s like he can read your mind.

“I’m not going to fuck you” he says in a hoarse voice.

“Joel please, I want it. Need you” if your mind wasn’t a hazy mess full of lust right now, you’d probably cringe at yourself.

He shakes his head sadly. “Can’t.. not with so many people here”.

You let out an exasperated sigh but it soon turns to a squeak when he grabs your ankles and pulls you down to the edge of the bed.

“I’m not a complete dick despite what you probably think” he looks at you with a smirk. “Gonna take care of my bratty girl” he drawls, a devilish look now spreading across his handsome face.

You feel the heat pool between your legs at the look alone and wait for him to move again.

“Thought about bending you over as soon as I saw you in this pretty dress” he says softly as he sinks to his knees at the foot of bed. He trails his fingers up your legs slowly and it has you squirming.

“Stay still and be a good girl for me baby” he whispers as he starts kissing the path his fingers just traced. “You wear this dress for me?” He asks between open mouth kisses to the inside of your thigh.

“Mmm Joel please” you beg.

“Tell me baby” he says as he nips at the skin he’s just been kissing.

“God, yes… picked it hoping you’d notice” you manage to pant out.

He hums in approval before continuing to kiss up towards your underwear. He presses a finger there and the touch has you arching up in desperation.

“Poor baby, got yourself all worked up and needy for me”. He doesn’t ask it like it’s a question, he knows how much you want him from how wet you are. He must take pity on how unraveled you are and also is conscious of how little time you have before someone comes looking for one of you. He slides your underwear down your legs and tosses them on the floor. You can’t help the shiver that comes over your body in response. You glance down and see how he’s looking at your exposed core with pure hunger before he lowers his head and rolls his tongue up through your pussy and groans like it’s the best thing he’s ever tasted. The sound and feel of it has you throwing your head back in response. You grind your hips down in response as he eats you out with an enthusiasm you’d never experienced before. He continues torturing you with his tongue before sliding a thick finger into you that has you groaning. He continues to pump his finger in and out at a controlled pace before sucking onto your clit and adding another finger. The dual sensations have you trying desperately to keep your moans to a minimum but it’s all too much. Your fingers are tangled tight in his air and the roughness has him groaning against you. The vibrations of his sounds have you falling over the edge and moaning as your orgasm crashes over you. He continues slowly moving his fingers in and out whilst you ride your high before pulling out when he feels you start to relax.

He stands up and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. You’re too blissed out to notice him leaving but then he’s back, crouching down to you again. He presses a warm washcloth gently to your exposed skin and cleans you up as best as he can. When he’s done, he presses a soft kiss to your thigh before pulling your dress back down again.

“Don’t think this means you’re forgiven” I mutter at him, still spread out on his bed.

He chuckles before reaching out his hand and pulls you up to stand. His eyes are a lot softer now and he’s got a small smile tugging on his lips as he smooths a hand over your no doubt ‘just fucked’ hair.

“Guess I’ll just have to apologise again” he says, a smirk now clear on his face.

You swat his chest playfully as you reach down to pick up your discarded panties and shimmy them back on. Once you think you’re looking as respectfully as you can, you go to make your way out the room. Before you can though, his hand is wrapping around your wrist and pulling you back to him.

“I’m sorry” he says, his eyes soft chocolate in the light.

“For what?”

“For hurting you… I never meant to do that. I was an idiot”.

You scoff but don’t say anything further.

“Just.. please give me a chance to figure this all out” he pleads.

You sigh in response and give a nod. That’s all you can feel yourself do at this point. He lets your wrist go and you make your way out of his room to go back to the party.

Chapter Text

You find all your self restraint and patience being tested over the next few days. You don’t hear from Joel (again) but you remember him asking you to give him time to figure things out. So that’s what you do. You’re still really confused about your own feelings concerning your unfairly hot and sexy neighbour. So instead of dwelling on things that are guaranteed to send you into a bit of a dark spiral, you decide to keep yourself busy. For what feels like forever, you decide to get out your sketch book and pencils. You haven’t drawn for the sake of drawing in so long now. It’s normally done under the looming threat of having to pass the semester at college. You’re idly drawing, trying to find inspiration when there’s a knock on your bedroom door. Your dad pokes his head through and smiles when he sees what you’re up to.

“I was wondering when I’d get to see you drawing again” he says happily. “At least you’re doing it in a book and not on the walls this time” he says, a hint of nostalgia in his tone as he looks over to the stick figure on your wall that he’s never thought to paint over.

You laugh softly in response and roll your eyes but it’s not in annoyance. It’s something softer this time and it makes you wonder if being back here in your childhood home with your dad was a good decision made by your parents. Even if was once again against your own wishes. Before you can go too far down that rabbit hole though your dad is talking.

“Know what you’re trying to draw yet, kid?”

“No… I’m having a block on what I want to focus on”.

He nods as if in understanding. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. In the meantime, I’m heading out to the store, want me to pick anything up for you?”

“No I’m good, thanks dad” you say, attention going back to the pad of paper in your hands.

He leaves your room and the door clicks softly behind him. You stop thinking about what you want to draw and instead just let your hand take over. You lose yourself in the soft strokes of graphite over your blank canvass and trust your instincts to guide you. You’re dragged out of your artistic flow by a buzz from your phone sitting next to you on the bed. You pick it up and read the message from Charlotte.

*hey, I need a break from life right now. Want to get away with me this weekend?*

Deciding to stick with your determination to keep yourself busy from Joel, you quickly text back.

*sure count me in! Just send me the details*

She texts back a few minutes later confirming all the details and saying she’ll pick you up on Friday to drive you both to a cabin her parents own out of town. You actually find yourself excited for going on a little break away with your friend and turn your attention back to your drawing. The realisation of what you’ve drawn suddenly strikes you hard, making you let out a shaky breath. You hasn’t even realised you’d been doing it but now you look back at the nearly completed drawing and it’s Joel. You’ve captured everything about him down to the smallest detail. That little crease between his eyes whenever he’s thinking hard or he’s stressed or he’s irritated. You’ve managed to get the texture to his dark hair that curls at the end hinting at a well overdue haircut down perfectly. The curve and slope of his well defined nose is captured across the white paper. His eyes are staring into the distance, focused but with a slight hint of sadness that seems to shadow over him despite a reason unknown to you. The stubble of his beard that you know the feel of against your skin, rough but soft in all the right ways. It’s undeniably Joel. Your Joel. You swallow the knot that’s forming in your throat. You rip the page out of your book and hold it in your hands not knowing what to do with it. After a few minutes of staring, you fold it carefully into four squares and tuck it under your pillow away from anyone else who might see it. There’s no denying the feelings that have gone into creating this portrait.

It’s finally Friday and you’re sat waiting in the living room with your bag packed for your weekend away with Charlotte. Your dad has got some baseball game on the tv whilst you scroll on your phone. There’s a knock on the door so you get up and grab your bag.

“Have a fun time kid!” Your dad says, not able to tear his eyes away from the game.

You shout out a thanks as you head out and open the door. What you’re not expecting to see is the tall frame of the man you’ve heard nothing from in nearly a week. You grind to a halt and look up, a shy smile ghosting over your face.

“Hey.. going somewhere?” That familiar drawl greets you, looking at the bag in your hand.

“Hey.. ermmm yeh. Going out of town with my friend for the weekend” you manage to stutter out.

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise and you notice how his jaw clenches.

“You remember my dad introduced me to charlotte?” You reassure him.

Judging by how his expression softens at that, you know he was worried you were talking about Andrew. The dark part of you wonders what he’d have done if you had been going away with the guy Joel had kicked out of his house the previous week. You shake the thought away though. You don’t want to be vindictive anymore. Least of all towards Joel. You’re trying your best to respect his request for time. He surprises you for the second time in minutes when he glances over his shoulder and behind you before leaning in and pressing a soft kiss to your lips. He breaks away far too quickly for your liking but it makes you melt regardless.

“What was that for?” You say as quietly as you can.

“Just couldn’t let you leave without doing it” he says simply before brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear affectionately.

You’re both smiling goofily at each other until a horn honks loudly behind Joel. He jumps and it makes you laugh. He narrows his eyes at you but you know he’s not really mad at you.

“Guess that’s my ride..” you say, a slight thread of sadness in your tone.

He nods and moves out of your way so you can leave. As you’re brushing past him he subtly leans into your side and whispers into your ear.

“Make sure you behave yourself baby”.

You shiver at his words and have to fight every instinct in your body to just stay here with him but reluctantly drag your feet towards your friends car. You push any lingering thoughts of Joel to the back of your head as you spend the car ride laughing and chatting with Charlotte. Music blaring out of the sound system.

“So who was that guy you were talking to” Charlotte asks when the music fades away.

“What guy?” You ask innocently.

“Oh don’t play coy with me girl! I only got a glimpse of that man at your door and even I can see he’s fucking hot” she laughs.

You’re glad her attention is on the road ahead because you can feel yourself blush.

“He’s my dad’s friend. He hangs out around our house a lot you know”

She shrugs but you still see her throw a smirk your way when she chances a glance in your direction. You pick the conversation back up, asking her about what’s going on in her life whilst you continue your journey. The time seems to fly by, you’re soon pulling into a small driveway of a cabin set in complete seclusion.

“Wow this is amazing!” You say earnestly, taking in your surroundings.

“We’ve had it in the family for a while but this is actually the first time I’ve come up without family. I’ve probably got ancestors looking down at me in anger from the amount of alcohol that I’m about to being inside” she laughs.

You help her carry everything inside and then she gives you the tour. The whole thing is very cozy and has that classic cabin feel to it. Wooden beams and thick rugs, a fireplace sits in the lounge area surrounded by a neat stack of wooden logs. You’re shown to your room which has a chest of drawers and a double bed that is covered by knitted plaid throw. A pang of familiarity hits you at how it’s exactly the same colours of one of Joel’s shirts you’ve seen before. It makes you internally pine for him and has your mind casting thoughts of weekends away with him. Not now, you tell yourself firmly. You dump your bag on the bed and head to the kitchen where Charlotte is unpacking snacks and drinks. It’s like she can read your mind because she’s soon handing you a glass of cheap wine and pushing you towards the sofa before unpacking the rest of the bags. She’s chatting away when you feel your phone buzz. You can’t help smiling when you see Joel’s name.

*you get there ok?*

*yeh just unpacked and I’m being plied with drinks*

*enjoy yourself sweetheart, you deserve it*

You know you’re smiling like an idiot when the phone buzzes again.

*wish I was there with you*

Your heart is buzzing with emotions when your attention is drawn to your friend flopping down onto the sofa next to you.

“Ok so what’s the deal?” she says.

“Ermmm what do you mean?” You say, heart racing.

“Well the smile on your face can only be explained by a dumb boy so my question is, what dumb boy has you smiling like this” she asks, nudging your foot with hers.

“Should i be afraid how well you know me already?” You say whilst raising an eyebrow and taking a sip of wine.

“So it is a boy!” She says excitedly, clapping her hands together.

“It’s something like that..” you say evasively. You know you can trust Charlotte but what do you tell her? It’s complicated enough already.

“Is it that guy from the bar? The really cute one? Oh wait!!! Please tell me it’s mr dark and broody from your door today”.

It really is like she’s got a 6th sense when it comes to you. You debate telling her everything but rein it in. Until you know what’s going on between you and Joel you’re going to keep it silent.

“Yeh I met that guy from the bar again” You say before telling her about inviting him to Joel’s barbecue. You decide to omit the small details of Andrew getting kicked out by Joel and that said surly man then went down on you in his bedroom whilst all the neighbours were downstairs.

“Damn you work fast!” She says in a proud tone.

Several more glasses of wine down and a few shots of god knows what Charlotte had bought, you find your mind creeping back to Joel. You’re staring at your phone screen and looking at the last message from him. You wish he was here too. Your thumb is hovering over the screen when charlotte throws a pillow at your head.

“Just text lover boy if you miss him so much” she snorts, gripping on to her wine glass like her life depends on it.

The alcohol has you loosened up now and you’re not feeling as guarded.

“It’s too complicated for me to text that” you say, still staring at your phone.

“What’s complicated? He’s a boy, boys are dumb, boys like to know you’re thinking about them” she says with finality.

She’s wrong on one point, Joel is definitely not a boy. But he’s definitely shown he is dumb like a boy and reacts in the same ways boys do. Maybe he likes to be told he’s being thought about.
Deciding to ignore good sense, you take the advice and type out the message and press send before you can over think it and take it back.

*I miss you. I wish you were here too*

Charlotte watches you and hypes you up when she sees you’ve pressed send. It doesn’t take long before you’re getting a reply.

*I’ll be here waiting for you to get back baby*

You grin and throw your phone down on to the sofa.

“I hate to say I told you so” charlotte sings in a teasing way. “Now enough boys, let’s have fun!” She hands you another drink.

You can’t remember going to bed but you wake up the next day and feel the remainder of alcohol soaking up in your veins. You groan and send a silent curse to the light that’s filtering into your room. Why in hell did you drink so much. You drag yourself out of bed and come across Charlotte who is groaning on the sofa with a pillow over her head.

“Good morning to you too” you croak out, voice dry from all the booze.

“Next time I start pouring shots, I give you permission to tell me to fuck off” she grunts out at you.

You chuckle and go to the fridge and pull out two bottles of water. You hand one over before downing half the bottle. She thanks you whilst gulping down her own.

“I beg you, if you consider me a friend then you’ll let us just watch movies all day” she says pleadingly.

You’re in no position to fight her so you both get settled on the sofa with blankets wrapped round you. You spend the day doing just that, occasionally napping or getting snacks and water from the kitchen. By evening, you’re both feeling a lot better and feel up to sitting on the back porch. You both sit looking up at the sky, the stars a lot brighter from the lack of pollution and you’re once more thinking about Joel. You wonder if he knows any of the constellations but then you chuckle to yourself. Joel doesn’t seem the type to bother about that kind of stuff. He’s too practical for that surely. You make a note to ask him though, some time when you’re together alone.

“You know if you ever want to talk about anything you can tell me right? No judgement from me” charlotte’s voice breaks the silence.

Her words surprise you but you nod. “Same goes to you, I can’t say I’ll give the best advice but I’ll still try” you say, nudging her side.

The morning pulls around fast and you’re both pulling your stuff into her car before making the trip home. She drops you off at your house and leaves with a wild wave and a shout of meeting up again soon. You go into your house and feel your heavy bones dragging along.

“Hey kid, have a good time?” Your dad calls through to you from the kitchen.

“Yeh really good thanks. Just shattered. I’m gonna go take a nap if that’s alright” you call back.

“Course, I’ll give you a shout later when I’m getting dinner sorted”.

You drag yourself upstairs and close your bedroom door behind you. You dump your bag on the floor and collapse onto the bed. You let out a sharp hiss when one of your pencils from Friday jabs into your back and you drag it out before throwing it across the room. You close your eyes and let your breathing settle before your thoughts are slowly dragging up thoughts of warm brown eyes and warm skin. You blindly reach out a hand behind your pillow when you freeze. You spring up and pull your pillow aside and just stare at the empty sight. Your picture isn’t there anymore. Where the fuck is it?

Chapter Text

Your first instinct is to panic. Did your dad find your sketch. Surely he couldn’t have found it? Even if he has, it doesn’t mean anything, right? You know deep down there’s a reason you’ve drawn Joel but from an outsiders perspective it’s just an innocent drawing.. you lie in bed torturing yourself over a stupid picture before sleep finally manages to pull you into its depths.

A soft knock on your door startles you awake and it takes a few seconds for your hazy mind to remind you where you are.

“Hey sleepin’ beauty, dinner is ready”.

Now you really are wide awake when you register the owner of that voice. You sit up slightly in bed and let your eyes focus on the figure lazily hanging in your doorway.

“What are you doing here?” You croak out in your sleep laced voice.

“Well hello to you too. Are you always this grumpy when you wake up?” Joel asks with an amused drawl.

You give a grunt in response before letting your head thump back on to your pillow. You hear him laugh softly before the end of your bed sags slightly. Without looking, you feel a warm hand lacing around your ankle and tugging you down.

“Joel quit it” you mumble.

“Gonna make me?” He drawls, pulling you down further.

When you don’t answer him, he continues pulling you till your legs are over his lap. He reaches over and takes your hand to pull you up so you’re facing him and inches apart.

“Y’know.. I can think of a few ways to wake you up where you wouldn’t be so cranky” he whispers, dark eyes smouldering as he looks at you.

You can’t come up with a sarcastic response so you settle for biting your lip as you stare back at him. You can already feel that heat igniting in your body at being so close to him again. Really, it’s not fair. He shouldn’t be able to affect you this easily. He grins at you like he knows exactly what you’re feeling and you wouldn’t put it past the cocky fucker to be a mind reader. He reaches out and softly places his palm against your cheek and you instinctively lean it to it.

“I was thinkin’ about you all weekend baby… couldn’t help myself’ he says softly as his thumb brushes against your skin.

“Mmm… what were you thinking about specifically” you reply, slightly breathless now.

“Was thinkin’ about kissing those soft lips” he says, brushing his own against yours so lightly you might have dreamed it. “Was thinkin’ about your soft skin and touching it all over” he continues in that quiet voice, his hand now gliding over the sensitive skin of your thighs.

You can’t help the soft moan that escapes your mouth at the sensations he’s worshipping your body with right now.

“Was thinkin’ about my head being between your thighs and tasting that sweet pussy again” his hand ghosts over your panties before applying direct pressure to your aching clit as he shares all his filthy thoughts with you.

You’re squirming against him now, wanting him to please give you more. You can feel how wet you are now and it’s driving you insane. But then he delivers the killer blow.

“Was thinkin’ about how I can’t wait to fill you up and fuck you till you can’t walk” he whispers into your ear darkly before following it up with a soft bite to your earlobe.

“Joel please…” you start to beg.

“But that’ll have to wait. Dinner is ready” he says teasingly, planting a soft kiss on your nose before standing up so he’s out of reach.

You reach out and pick up a pillow before launching it his head in pent up frustration. He just ducks and laughs as he leaves your bedroom, leaving you with an ache between your legs and an even worse mood than before he’d arrived. You allow yourself a few minutes to calm yourself down before sighing loudly and ambling out of bed. You pull on a pair of sweatpants before heading downstairs.

You walk into the kitchen where your dad and Joel are discussing work. They both turn to you when you walk in.

“Good sleep kiddo?” Your dad asks.

“Yeh not bad, just an annoying wake up call” you mutter, raising an eyebrow in Joel’s direction.

Your dad laughs in response but you see how Joel’s eyes narrow at you. Good, you think to yourself. You spend the rest of dinner mostly listening to your dad, Joel occasionally throws in a grunt in response too; he doesn’t seem to be quite so talkative either. It doesn’t disuade your dad though, he always was able to fill gaps in a conversation without batting an eye. You’re finishing up the last of your food when a phone starts ringing from the living room. Your dad practically trips himself up in getting to it in time.

“Hey, you ok?” Joel’s gruff voice asks across the table from you.

You shrug in response, not allowing yourself to look at him in case you get too worked up again and beg him to just finally fuck you right here and now on the kitchen table. Before either of you can say anything else, your dad is striding back into the kitchen.

“I’ve gotta head out for a bit… there’s been a mix up at work and apparently I’m the only one who can fix it. Honestly, I don’t think I get paid enough for this shit” he says exasperated.

Joel just looks at him sympathetically but you? You know you’re the worst daughter alive because you’re currently thinking about how you’re about to be left alone. In your house. With Joel. Your thighs clench in response to only your line of thinking. As if sensing it, Joel glances over at you and he must see something on your face because his eyes darken immediately. He cocks his head slightly to the side, silently asking what you’re thinking. You don’t say anything but you know you’re smirking. The air in the room feels charged all of a sudden, full of appreciation and silent wishes. Time seems to freeze whilst your dad collects everything he needs.

“Sorry to rush out on you both, you gonna be alright?” Your dad asks you.

“I’ll be fine, got this old guy to help me wash up” you say wryly, glancing at Joel.

“Watch it Kid” Joel grumbles, eyes focused on you.

Your dad is oblivious to the underlying meaning to your back and forth with Joel and just laughs in response before promising to not be out too late. And then you’re alone. With Joel. You try to act unaffected and stand up, picking up the dishes and heading to the sink. You turn on the tap and go to pick up the first plate before a strong hand is reaching over to turn off the water and is placing the plate back on the side. You freeze, not daring to move right now. Joel turns you around till you’re facing him, his broad frame dwarfing you. You look up and almost wilt under his fiery gaze.

“You done bein’ a pain in the ass” he growls.

You’re torn between snapping back at him and just submitting to him. The latter wins out though and you surprise him by sinking to your knees. You look up at him under your eye lashes, not breaking eye contact whilst you reach up to his belt.

“Baby you don’t have to do -“

“Please.. I want to” you cut in front of him, your hands fumbling with the buckle as you impatiently try to get his jeans down.

The slight tilt of his head is all the consent you need. You manage to free the belt, slipping it free and dropping it to the ground. You pop open the buttons of his jeans before your trembling fingers slide down the zipper. You drag his jeans down his thighs and sigh softly when you see how hard his cock is in the confines of his boxers. You take your time to trace your fingers lightly over him, earning you a groan in response to your touch.

“Stop teasing” he grits out, his hips thrusting out whether he intended them to or not.

You want to drag this out and tease him as much as he teased you but your mouth is already watering at the prospect of having him in your mouth. You tug down his boxers and his dick springs free. You’d always imagined what it looked like but your imagination was nothing compared to the real thing. You stare at how long and thick he is before glancing up. He’s staring down at you, his chest rising and falling quickly as if he’d just run a marathon. He lets you take it at your own pace though. You wet your lips slightly before pressing an experimental kiss to his tip. He groans in response and tangles his fingers in your hair which only encourages you to keep exploring. You swirl your tongue around the head of his cock and he thrusts up gently as if he’s seeking more from you. You snake around a hand to cup his balls before taking him into the heat of your mouth. He hisses in response and grips your hair tighter. You moan around him in response before trying to take more of him down your throat. But it’s too much, he’s too much. You push him down your throat as much as you can before tears start to form in the corners of your eyes. You pull back with a gasp as you try to fill your lungs with air. He wipes his thumb at your tears and looks down at you.

“Do you need some water?” He asks in a low tone.

You nod in response and watch as he twists to fill a glass with water. When he turns back, you reach a hand up to him but he just shakes his head at you.

“Uh-hu, no hands. Open your mouth” he commands.

You hesitate for a second before opening your mouth expectedly. He takes a mouthful of water before leaning forward and letting the water fall from his mouth to yours. You expect it to be warm but it’s still cold. But it tastes like Joel. You swallow it greedily, not letting a drip fall.

“That’s my good girl” he whispers, smoothing the side of your head. Your body is fizzing with arousal now as you gaze back at him.

“If only you were this obedient all the time” he mutters as his thumb brushes against the corner of your mouth. “Tell me what you want.”

You shift awkwardly on your knees and look down at the floor, not trusting yourself to speak.

“Hey” he says, his fingers gripping your chin and forcing you look at him. “Tell. Me. What. You. Want.” He punctuates each word clearly.

“I’m wet and I want you fuck me” your words come out in a frustrated rush.

Joel seems to consider your words for a second before leaning down slightly and pulling his underwear and jeans back up his thighs. You go to protest but he reaches down and covers your mouth with one hand before the other pulls you up. He pulls you up against his hard body and grinds his hard cock against you.

“Fuck… please… just fuck me” you beg and pant.

“I’m not going to fuck you here baby.”

“I don’t care, I need you, please” you whine.

A sharp hit to your ass has you shutting up immediately.

“When I fuck you, it’s not goin’ to be some quickie on your kitchen counter. It’s going to be somewhere I can make you scream baby.” He growls against your ear.

Your legs feel like jelly now and you’re so desperate to feel him that you’re about to take drastic measures. Once again, sensing it, he takes your hand and pulls you towards the stairs.

You find yourself lying flat on your back in your bed, Joel towering over you. His eyes are roaming over your body as if he’s got all the time in the world. You feel so tightly wound that you can’t help pushing your hand underneath your sweatpants to seek some kind of relief.

“Stop.” He commands, his hand palming at his hard erection. “When i say stop, you stop. Understand?”.

You groan in frustration but nod, pulling your hand from your pants.

“You’re going to suffer for me, because I say so. Your perfect fucking pussy is going to stay aching until I say so, got it?” He pushes.

“Please Joel, I’ve waited long enough” you squirm and beg.

“Baby girl, you’re forgetting this is all on my time. Not yours. The sooner you get that the better” he says with a firm tone.

You feel close to tears now, so pent up with frustration and needing to feel him inside you. When you finally allow yourself to lie still on your back he finally starts to move. He starts by pulling you trousers off. It’s soon followed by your panties and your shirt. When you’re finally naked he just stands there looking at you hungrily.

“So fucking perfect” he mutters under his breath, it’s for himself more than you.

He pulls off his shirt giving you the chance to finally see the broad stretch of his chest and the trail of hair leading down past the band of his boxers. He then tugs down his jeans and underwear so he’s standing above you, looking like a Greek god. And again, you’re left thinking how unfair it is that he’s this good looking. Joel kneels down between your legs on the bed, he pushes your head back slowly so your neck is exposed. He slowly moves down, nipping gently at the exposed skin which makes you moan.

“Please Joel, please” you beg.

“Shhhh baby… soon” he growls against your throat.

He props himself up on one elbow before positioning his hand around his hard cock to line up against your cunt. He nudges against you and you feel your eyes flutter shut at the sensation.

“No no baby, need you to keep your eyes on me” he says softly, voice barely above a whisper.

You stare wide eyed up at him as he slowly pushes into you and you groan loudly at how big he is. He fills you so completely that you struggle to breathe. He lets you adjust to his size before rolling his hips up against you. The groan he lets out sends electricity zapping through your veins. You clench around him and it leaves him gasping.

“God how are you so soft and tight” he moans whilst thrusting in and out of you slowly.

He picks up the pace, slamming into you and hitting all the right places that has you moaning and squirming underneath him. When he reaches down to press his finger against your clit and circle it slowly you feel your whole body tense up in response, unable to fight off the oncoming orgasm.

“Joel… ‘m Gonna cum” you shout.

“It’s ok baby, I got you. Just let go. Want to feel you soak me” he snarls out.

You continue to push up against his thrusts and whimper and moan as you do so.

“God I love the sounds you make. So fucking filthy” he says as he continues to pound into you. “You’re going to cum and you’re going to scream my name as you do it” he grunts, thrusting up hard.

It pushes you over the edge and you shout his name as you clench tight around him. It pulls him down with you and you feel his cock pulsing deep inside you, coating you with his cum. He pulls out and you lay side by side panting, both coming down from your highs.

Right now, you wish you could freeze this moment in time and never leave.

Chapter Text

“Joel..” you whisper, finally breaking the silence.

He gives you a grunt in response whilst pulling you tighter into his side to let you know he’s listening. You pause for a moment, enjoying the blissful feeling of being so throughly fucked whilst having the man you’ve been pining for pressed against your skin. His body is always so damn hot, it’s like being engulfed by an incinerator. But it’s comforting, it feels safe… you can’t remember ever feeling like this. You’d happily just lie here and fall asleep if you had the choice but you don’t.

“We should get dressed… you know he could be back any moment” you say awkwardly.

The ‘he’ in question being your dad. Fuck, this is so wrong. But you’d do it again in a heartbeat if given the chance. You feel Joel stiffen next to you, he’s still not said a word and it’s beginning to make you frown. You let out an exasperated sound before going to move but Joel pulls you back and manoeuvres you so you’re facing him.

“Just let me enjoy this for a few seconds more” he mumbles softly, chocolate eyes gazing at yours.

You roll your eyes at the unexpected cheesiness of it but stay still for him. The sudden contrast of how soft he’s being compared to his earlier hardness has unknown feelings bubbling up in your chest. You push them back down though, it’s not the time for overthinking. His eyes roam over your body one last time before he’s standing up and retrieving his clothes.

“Hey Joel?” You ask, suddenly remembering what you had meant to ask him earlier.

“Hmm?” He grunts out as he pulls up his jeans.

“Did you uh.. did you come up into my room whilst I was out of town on the weekend?” You ask nervously, not managing to look at him.

“Is that an invitation darlin’?” You can hear the slight tinge of amusement to his voice now.

You chance a look up at him and you were right, he’s got a smirk pulling at the edges of his mouth.

“No… it’s nothing.. forget it.”

Guess the case of the missing picture will have to wait for now. You make a mental note to check behind your bed in case it’s fallen down there but you assume Joel has no idea what you’re on about. You watch from the edge of your bed as Joel pulls on his shirt before handing over your own clothes. He’s got post-fucked hair which just adds to his sexiness in your opinion but his playful look from moments ago has disappeared.

“Hey ermm.. maybe you wanna come over to mine tomorrow?” He says, awkwardly scratching the back of his head.

You’re about to tease him but you notice that he actually looks slightly nervous. Like he’s worried about what your answer will be. It’s adorable seeing Joel Miller uncertain when he’s usually so confident with everything he does.

“What did you have in mind?” You say, raising an eyebrow.

“I dunno.. we could ermm.. talk?” He replies, shifting his weight to his back leg and folding his arms.

“Talk…?”

“Yeh.. and I can cook. If you like?” He mumbles, a soft pink glow is making its way up his neck now.

This man has just fucked you senseless and ordered you about without a second thought but asking you over to talk and cook for you is too much for him? You’re really having a hard time pushing that feeling down in your chest right now.

“Yeh sure, I’ll tell dad I’m round Charlotte’s house or something.”

He looks like he’s about to say something about you lying but then thinks better of it and just nods his head once in response.

“Text me what food you like, ok?”

“Afraid you’ll forget if I tell you now, old man?” You tease, grinning at him.

He narrows his eyes at you and makes his way over till he’s mere inches away.

“Better watch that smart mouth baby, you already know what it’ll earn you” he growls before placing a soft kiss on your forehead.

You wipe the smile off your face but you’re kicking your legs on the inside. He goes to leave your room but pauses for a second before calling over his shoulder:

“Pack an overnight bag too.”

With that, he’s gone and you hear the front door open and close shortly after.

**************************

You wake up bright and early the next day feeling giddy. You know it’s not a date, you’re just going to hang out with Joel, something you’ve already done since you got back when you went to work with him but that doesn’t stop you from imagining what the two of you would end up doing. You try to control the butterflies that are swarming in your stomach and focus your efforts on packing a bag to take over. What’s appropriate to pack, you muse to yourself. You start off with the essentials and pack your sweatpants and a night shirt. You’re debating which slutty set of underwear you should pick without coming off as too obvious when your phone buzzes.

*decide what you want for dinner?*

You smile to yourself before typing back a response to Joel.

*is pasta too hard for you to make*

*oh you’re funny*

You laugh out loud and can imagine him rolling his eyes at you. You’re about to resume your packing before deciding to send another message.

*do you need me to bring anything?*

*just your perfect ass baby. Leave the sarcasm at home though*

Laughing, you toss your phone onto your bed. You decide that there’s no such thing as too slutty when it comes to Joel Miller so pack your best matching black lace set. You can’t wait for him to see it and watch his face react. Once your toothbrush is added to the bag and a change of clothes for tomorrow, you zip it up and place it by your door. You sit back on your bed and type out a message.

*what time do you want me over?*

It doesn’t take long for a reply to come back.

*4*

You sigh, knowing you’re going to have to find something to fill the time till you can head over but you’re too nervous and excited to sit still and focus on anything. You contemplate reading for a bit but after reading the same paragraph at least 10 times, you give up and head downstairs. You walk into the living room and see your dad working on some papers in his arm chair.

“Hey kid” he greets your warmly before turning his attention back to whatever is on his lap.

“Hey, what are you up to?” You ask as you settle yourself onto the sofa.

“Just working out some costs of the development I’m working on, our suppliers keep trying to drive up prices and.. anyway, don’t worry about that.” He says, glancing up at you. “Got any plans for today?”

“I was planning on going over to Charlotte’s for the day.. maybe stay over for the night.” You try to keep the guilt out of your voice at your blatant lie.

It’s not like you’re not going to go over to Joel’s house but you still feel slightly bad about lying to your dad. Especially because you’re not dumb enough to know your dad would definitely not be too happy about the whole scenario. But you’re also human and you had needs. It just so happens that unfortunately his best friend just happens to know how to satisfy those needs. So you keep your mouth shut and shove down that feeling of guilt to a forgotten part of you.

After some brief chit chat and your dad telling you to have a nice time out, you excuse yourself to go shower and get ready.

*************************

4pm finally comes around after what feels like forever. You pick up your bag and head downstairs. You call out to your dad, letting him know you’re off. You make your way over to Joel’s with your bag across your shoulder and knock on the door. He opens it and looks you up and down, his eyes softening as he takes in the sight of you. After a few seconds, he opens the door wide to let you enter.

You wonder through his house and drop your bag on the floor. You didn’t really take the time to explore his home when you were over here last. You smile at the few pictures he has hanging on his walls that give you a glimpse into his life. A young Joel is stood next to a slightly younger looking guy, both grinning wildly at the camera with their arms draped over each others shoulders. You assume they’re related by how similar they look. Good genes must run in the family, you think. Before you can continue exploring though, Joel wraps his arms around your waist. He pulls your back up against his solid body whilst nuzzling into your neck.

“Been waiting to do this all day” he whispers into your ear.

He spins you around and captures your mouth to his. His mouths feels so perfect against yours, his lips are always so soft despite the hardness of the rest of him. He pushes his tongue into your mouth and you reply with equal enthusiasm. When the two of you finally break apart, you’re both slightly breathless.

“You’re going to drive me insane” he grumbles, shaking his head but you don’t miss the slight smile he’s trying to keep off his face.

He leads you into his living room and gestures for you to sit on the sofa. He settles down next to you, his long legs stretched out as he gets comfortable.

“Sooo… what did you want to talk about?” You ask, tucking your legs under you.

“Thought we could get to know each other..” he says awkwardly, his voice unsure.

Frankly, it’s adorable to you that he’s so uncertain about asking you normal things. You wonder if it’s because he’s out of practice of just having a normal conversation with someone or if it’s because he just doesn’t feel the need to do so.

“Are you gonna ask me what my favourite colour is?” You tease him.

He rolls his eyes and sighs. “Not gonna ask you anything if you keep being a pain in my ass” he grunts.

“Hey I’m kidding! It’s green, for the record. I see you being a pink guy though, you just won’t admit it to anyone” you wink at him.

You can’t help the laugh you let out when you see his deadpan expression just staring at you.

“Seeing as you already know everything about my childhood, I think it’s only fair you tell me all about you” you say, leaning into him.

“Not much to tell” he drawls, as he tucks you under his arm.

“Who’s that guy in the picture in your hall?” You ask.

“It’s my brother, Tommy. He doesn’t live round here anymore but he’s great. Everyone always liked him best out of the two of us, always making people laugh. You’d like him” he says softly.

“Hopefully I’ll get to meet him one day. I can see which Miller brother is better.”

You’re teasing him but you can’t imagine Tommy being better than your Joel. You’re growing attached to the grumpy man who only seems to show his soft side when you’re alone with him.

“Ok next question, how are you single?” you blurt out. Honestly, you’ve been wondering about it from the moment you first saw him again.

He raises his eyebrow at you, looking slightly confused.

“Oh come on. You would have to be blind to not know how hot you are. It’s actually not fair!”

“I errr… I’ve just been too busy I guess. Work keeps me busy.” He scratches the back of his head which you’re now realising is his tell when he’s nervous about something.

“Have you ever been married?”

His hand doesn’t leave the back of his head.

“Yes” he replies bluntly, looking at you warily like he doesn’t know how to expect you to react.

“Ok…. What happened?” You ask slowly.

“It’s complicated. We got married too young and then we were fighting all the time and then one day she just left” he says shrugging.

“Damn… what a bitch.”

He looks at you wryly.

“What! She is! I’d smack her for you if I could.”

“Alright Bruce Lee, calm down” he chuckles, kissing the top of your head.

“What made you decide to get married so early? Seems like a wild decision for someone so practical” you’re looking at him intently now.

“Well she ermm.. she got pregnant.”

“Holy shit! You have a kid and you never mentioned it?!”

“It never really came up” he shrugs. “She’s around your age.. Sarah.”

The way he says her name makes you feel soft. He says it with such an affectionate tone that you have no doubt that he loves her a lot.

“Where is she now?” You ask softly.

“She’s away at college, helping tutor some friends for a bit before coming back for summer break.”

You sit in silence whilst you process this new information.

“I don’t remember her from before I moved” you say, trying to picture if you had ever hung out with the youngest Miller.

“She lived with her mum most the time when you were growing up. She moved in with me not long after you left.”

Guess that solves the mystery for you.

“Is all of this ok?” He asks, hand scratching his head again.

“Yeh no it’s fine, just a lot! Guess this getting to know each other is a success” you laugh.

You feel him relax against you at knowing you’re fine with everything he’s just told you. You sit cozily in silence for a few more minutes, his fingers trailing up and down your arm. The silence is broken when your stomach growls, reminding you how you’d been too nervous and excited to eat all day.

“Ready to dazzle me with your cooking skills, Mr Miller?” You say in a sing song voice.

“Don’t call me that” he growls.

“Why? Afraid you’ll like it too much?” You grin up at him.

“Keep it up and you won’t get any food.”

You pout at him until his stare softens and he rolls his eyes. You won’t tell him it’s too easy to push his buttons. Not yet anyway. He stands up and reaches out his hand to you which you grip and let him lead you into the kitchen. You can’t stop the smile spreading across your face when you see all the ingredients already set out and a cookbook open to a recipe. You can’t help the slight flutter of your heart when you see how much effort he’s gone to just to make you happy. You wrap your arms around his waist from behind and just squeeze him. It’s like hugging an oversized, adorable grumpy bear.

“What’s that for?”he mumbles, letting you hold him.

“Just because” Is all you say, giving him one final squeeze for luck.

It turns out that he’s just full of surprises because he moves at ease around his kitchen, putting everything together for your meal. You’re fixated on his arms flexing as he chops ingredients, his sleeves rolled up giving you a glance at his lightly tanned forearms. You nearly forget how hungry you are with how much you realise the whole domesticity of the situation is turning you on. Thankfully you’re not left alone with your thoughts for too long as you watch Joel place two plates down on the table.

Joel watches on as you try your first bite and you can’t help the appreciative moan you let out.

“This is really fucking good!” You say before taking another bite.

Joel doesn’t say anything but he sits there looking proud of himself before he tucks in as well. You fill him in on your life since you left for New York with your mum, tell him about college, about your hobbies and interests. He nods in all the right places and throws out follow up questions and it just makes you feel giddy with how interested he is about knowing you better.

Once both of your plates are clean and placed in the sink to soak, you find yourself in the one part of the house you do have history with. Joel is lying on his back on his bed whilst you’re straddling him, the two of you making out like horny teenagers. His large hands are splayed out across your back, holding you against him like he wants to leave no space between your bodies. When he’s got you like this, you can’t remember your own name. Your entire head is just full of him, wanting him, needing him. The feelings he stirs inside you is better than any high you’ve experienced. His hands start to tug your shirt up your body and you’re more than happy to oblige, breaking apart to allow him to pull it off you. He sits propped up on his elbows to greedily take in your shirtless body, his pupils blown so wide with lust that the warm brown is non existent right now. He looks like he wants to devour you and right now you’d willingly allow it. He takes off your bra easily with one hand and then takes his time kissing up your stomach, trailing a path up before capturing one of your nipples in his mouth. He sucks gentle on it which pulls a moan from you and you feel him getting hard underneath you in reaction to the noise you make. You grind down against him which has you both moaning and it seems to snap something in him. He wraps his arms around you and flips you so you’re underneath him. He’s breathing raggedly whilst staring at you with such an intensity that it makes you blush.

“Do you have a condom? I forgot to pack one in my bag” you rush out, needing him to be inside you now.

He stills above you and an unknown look passes over his face.

“I do but.. the other night.. we didn’t… you’re on birth control right?” He says bluntly, moving so he’s not above you anymore.

“Ermm.. no I’m not” you admit, biting your lip. “But we were both so caught up in the moment that I guess it slipped both our minds”.

“Fuck!” He says, his hand sliding over his face. “How could you not say something?”

You narrow your eyes at him before standing up and reaching for your shirt that was lying on the floor. You pull it on in an angry rush and turn to face him.

“Excuse me? Last time I checked, birth control would be both our responsibilities. I didn’t hear you preaching about safe sex before fucking me” you grit out, hands on your hips so you don’t reach over and slap him.

“You should have said something or stopped me!” He’s shouting back at you now, his own arms crossed against his chest.

“Fuck you, Joel. The blame isn’t just on me here. Maybe if you got your head out of your ass, you’d realise.”

You don’t give him a chance to reply before you’re storming out of his room and down his stairs. You have just enough sense to remember your bag before you’re marching out of his house and slamming the door for good measure.

Chapter Text

Joel was a fairly simple man. He liked routine and structure in his life and didn’t veer from that course often. He had enough chaos in his younger years to last him a life time so now, this predictably that he went through in life brought him some sort of comfort. He’d been a handful growing up, getting into fights and rebelling against his parents every chance he got. Sneaking out of his house late at night to meet up with his childhood sweetheart, the thrill of defiance flowing through his veins. Then just like that, his life was flipped upside down. Barely out of high school and the news he was about to be a dad knocked him on his ass. But he wasn’t a selfish man, he was determined to step up and be there for his girlfriend and his unborn child. He had pushed his dreams of college away and quickly sought to find a job that would provide for his family, he didn’t even think twice about any of it. The two of them got married shortly after the news that they were expecting a child, a simple affair in the courthouse downtown. Before he could even blink, he was there in the hospital, cradling a small bundle of blankets and looking down at what he thought was the most beautiful and perfect thing in the world. His daughter. Looking down at her in that moment, he finally knew what other people talked about. A love so fierce and protective that it made his heart clench. He was terrified but oh so in love that he knew he would do anything for the small miracle in his arms that he looked down at in wonder. For a while it seemed like everything had come together for him. He had the wife, the home, the perfect little girl but nothing stayed good forever for Joel. He wasn’t the guy that got the happily ever after but that still didn’t stop him hoping that maybe he would. But then the arguments with Em started and the more he felt the fire inside him diminish. He had clung onto the relationship like a man adrift at sea who had come across a buoy. He didn’t want to accept that they weren’t a perfect match and that the arrival of a child had cast a spotlight over all their imperfections as a couple. He hadn’t wanted their family to be broken. Yet one day they were having breakfast like they had so many times before when she announced she couldn’t do this anymore and simply left. Joel had felt every single feeling of failure and inadequacy at being able to keep his family together. He blamed himself and hated himself for it. The only thing that kept him going was being there for Sarah and making sure she knew she was loved by both her parents, even if they weren’t together. It kept him going for so long that it became his new normal. He promised himself he’d be the best father to Sarah and make sure she grew up having anything she wanted and grew up being happy and protected from the harshness of the world. He immersed himself in work, pushing himself to learn everything he could before he finally was in the position to start his own construction business and work on his own time, which allowed him to focus on his only daughter. So that’s how he went through the years, his sole purpose being focussed around his daughter and his work. It left little for him to think about much else. He didn’t really care about getting into a new relationship but he was still a man. He still had needs. He found the need for human comfort in one night stands and short lived romances where he didn’t need to invest feelings into.

His steely resolve was tested in a way he didn’t expect. He had headed over to his best friend’s house for dinner and then you had appeared. All sharp edges and fiery indifference towards him that had his resolve melting like ice cream in the hot Texan sun. You hadn’t even recognised him, not that he had expected you to. You’d been so young when you had left with your mother to start a new life in New York. Yet here you were now, grown up and fierce looking and looking distrustful at everything around you. It was exactly how he had been for so long.

Joel is sat at the table which he’s so used to and trying his best to listen to whatever your dad is going on about. He can’t help himself from glancing over at you though, not that you notice. You’re too focused on staring at your plate. He finally pushes himself to ask you how you’re feeling being back here and he he has to fight back the smile when you jump at realising he’s talking to you. It’s kind of endearing he thinks to himself. You answer with a shrug and he can’t help himself from teasing you. He wants to hear you talk and let him in to whatever your thoughts are. So he finds himself asking about college and the sincerity has him floored. He can tell by your answer that there’s so much more to you than the hard exterior you put up and it tugs on something deep inside of him. Something so buried deep that he can’t put a finger on what is it. Yet when he goes to leave he can’t stop himself from asking if you’ll come help him out at work. He internally curses himself for even asking, not knowing why he’s done it but also knowing you’ll say no. Because why would you. But to both of your surprise, you say yes. He leaves your house soon after and it’s not long after that he finde himself in bed. He can’t seem to get comfy, tossing and turning in his tangled sheets. After what feels like forever, he manages to fall asleep but is taunted by pictures of your face.

Joel found himself waking early the next day, his sleep wrecked through hazy dreams and pent up energy. When he turned up at your door and headed into your kitchen, he almost hadn’t expected to see you there. Yet there you were, looking half asleep and holding onto your coffee mug like your life depended on it. When he watches you move to follow him and not say anything to your dad, he can’t hold himself back from telling you to address his friend. When he feels the reaction to his hand on your arm, he feels a jolt of electricity pulse through his body and it has him grasping at straws at why you have that reaction over his body. It’s just him looking out for his buddies daughter, he tells himself. He keeps trying to tell himself.

Joel finds himself driving you both to the construction site, trying to find something to talk to you about. When he finally does speak, it’s almost lecturing you about your treatment towards your dad. He doesn’t mean it to come out as it does but he sees the hackles rise on you like a cat about to strike. It’s almost eery how much you remind him of himself at your age. But your fierceness and sass just stoke something inside him. When he gets out at the work site, he gets into work mode and goes to talk to some of the guys working on his crew. Making sure everything is going ok and directing where needed. He walks back over to where you’re standing, unsure and looking around like you wish you had never said you’d come to help out. It makes him smile. He hands you a bag of cement, expecting you to protest but instead watches a determined look come over your face which almost makes him feel proud. He can’t help the words from leaving his mouth. “Good girl”.

Joel watches you make your way across the floor, shoulders straining with the weight of the bag but not complaining. His attention is dragged away from you when he instructs some of the guys around but just turns in time to watch you fall to the ground. He feels his stomach sink and rushes over to you to make sure you’re ok. He doesn’t believe you when you tell him you’re ok, his hands and eyes are checking over you to make sure nothing is broken. His protective instincts have him wanting to just wrap you up and take you far away from this place so that he knows you’re safe. He’s berating himself internally at even suggesting you come here with him. He picks you up and he can’t help the small voice in his head saying how right this feels, to have you safe in his arms. He places you in the bed of his truck as gently as he can, working on autopilot to grab a first aid kit and make sure he patches you up so you’re not in pain anymore. He looks at the cut on your knee and wishes right there in that moment that he could transfer any pain you’re feeling into himself. Once he’s satisfied he’s cleaned up the cuts on you, he looks up and finds you looking at him intently. It makes him gulp. You throw some sass his way and he can’t help himself from smiling at you, relieved that you’re not too hurt to be bratty back to him. The smile you flash back at him has his heart pounding and it throws him for a loop. Once satisfied you’re ok and nothing is broken, he helps you down and leaves some distance between the two of you whilst he focuses back on work. It doesn’t stop the image of your smile from distracting him though. Finally exhausted from the working day, he has you back in his truck whilst he drives you home. He’s fighting every instinct in himself to reach out and touch you but instead focuses on tapping his fingers against the steering wheel to a song he’s not listening to on the radio. He finds himself glancing over at you, you’re staring out the window in your own world and he wishes he could know what’s going on in your head.

“Your dad called me earlier” he finds himself saying.

Your drag your head over to look at him, those captivating eyes looking at his which have him gripping the wheel tightly. He tells you that your dad has had to head out for work and he might be out late. When you answer him sassily, he has to fight the instinct of just pulling into the side of the road, pulling you across his lap and spanking you till you beg him to stop. But he doesn’t. He pushes that feeling down like he doesn’t for everything else and instead gives you his number and makes you promise you’ll call him if you need anything. He watches you walk to your house and just waits. Watching you, taking all of you in, forbidden feelings swirling inside him like a nest of snakes. It’s only when you close the door that he finds the strength to pull away and leave.

Joel finds himself sitting on his sofa, a glass of whiskey in his hand whilst his other one massages the temple of his head. He had just taken a shower but it hasn’t done anything to relax himself. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. Doesn’t know why he’s thinking about the things he’s thinking. He groans to himself before taking a large sip of his drink. Letting the liquid burn down his throat and heat his stomach. When his phone buzzes, he doesn’t expect it. When he realises it’s you, he has to fight to control the instinct to be with you straight away. What was wrong with him? How were you having this effect on him after no time. Despite his internal battle, he can’t just ignore you. Your naivety at dealing with a simple household issue makes him feel soft inside. He could easily tell you how to fix your power issues but he doesn’t. For the first time in a long time he’s selfish and calls you, insists on coming to fix it for you. He turns up at your house and calls out to you. When you appear, you’re cast in shadows that has you looking other-worldly, like some spiritual creature that he’ll never get the chance to see again. He feels you nudge him with your elbow and such a simple gesture shouldn’t have his body coiling up like a spring but it does. He sees you looking at him, a smirk on your face and he can’t do anything but swallow the words in his throat. He focuses on finding the mains box and finally flicks the switches back on, flooding your house with light again. He watches you squint as your eyes adjust to the light and be can’t help reaching out to tuck a stray strand of hair behind your ear. He wants to desperately do more than that but his subconscious is screaming at him to back away. Instead he simply tells you to call him if anything else goes wrong before reluctantly pulling himself away and leaving. Joel collapses back into his bed, his heart racing and his cock hard and straining against his jeans. Right now, in this moment, he hates himself for even thinking of you like this. You’re out of bounds, a definite no go but that doesn’t stop himself from freeing his aching dick and jerking off until your name is moaning from his mouth.

Feeling ashamed of what he had done the night before, he came to the resolution that he needed space from you. Out of sight, out of mind right? Wrong. Joel spent the next few days debating about how weird it would be to just turn up to your house with any excuses before reasoning how stupid he’d look. He kept himself busy with work but it didn’t stop himself from reaching for his phone when he was in bed at night, rhumb hovered over your name, desperate to call and hear your voice. But Joel was stubborn, he knew you wouldn’t ever have feeling for him like that despite all the looks and glances that had his skin heating and his nerves tingling. So he ignored the urge and kept his distance. Yet when he’s lying in bed and he feels his phone buzz, his eyebrows shoot up in surprise when he sees that the message is from you. He feels his cock twitch in interest and he has to talk himself down and not be so stupid. He reads your message and he already knows you must be drunk. Why else would you be texting him so late. When your next message comes through confirming you’re drunk, it takes every once of control in him to not demand you to tell him where you are so he can come get you. His mind is filled with stupid boys trying to take advantage of you and it makes his jaw clench. Instead he settles for asking if you want him to pick you up. That’s safe, friendly,. Right? When he doesn’t get a reply he texts you again. When there’s still no response he tries calling you. He’s frustrated now, imagining all the worst things that could have happened to you. He’s about to go grab his jeans and head out to start trailing all the nearby bars in town when you reply. Joel lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding when you tell him you’re home safe. He finds himself trying to tame the inner frustration within him, he has no right to be angry at you. He messages you back and forth before you pose the question to him that he hasn’t been prepared to answer.

*Why do you care so much???*

Good question, he thinks. Why does he care so much. He would like to think it’s purely looking out for his best friends kid. Hell, he’d hope the same thing would be reversed in the same situation. But in the back of his head, he knows it’s more than that.

He knows going over to your house for dinner the next day is like playing with fire. But he’s always been a sucker for pain. His whole life has been nothing but pain and heartache aside from Sarah. Yet he still finds himself in the threshold of your home. When you greet him, he has half a mind to spin on his heel and leave. But he doesn’t. You offer to get him a drink so he follows, watches you reach into the fridge to get drinks for you both but he can’t stop himself from leaning in to your space. He watches you shrink underneath him and you don’t resist when he takes the two bottles from your hand and place them safely on the side. His inner voice is telling him to just kiss you, here and now. Claim what is his. But he doesn’t, instead he asks you what you’re playing at. His hand is reaching out against his better judgment and is holding your chin in his grasp, soft skin under his rough fingers. His good sense is snapped into him when he hears the front door open and be takes a step back and grabs a bottle from the side, trying hard to calm his racing heart. He hates how much you affect him when he knows you would never be interested in him that way.

He sits in his chair, moodily stabbing at the food at his plate. He’s barely able to focus on the conversation passing over him at the table. He knows he should try to concentrate but he can’t shake the thoughts spiralling in his head. When he chances looking up at you, you’re mimicking his actions, equally as distracted. He wonders what you’re thinking about. When a voice drags him out of his thoughts, asking if you all want to watch a movie, a dark plan comes into his mind. Before he can even rationalise it, he’s saying yes. He looks over to you and sees the conflicting thoughts flutter across your face before the primal part is signalling for you to agree and go to the living room. He half expects you to disagree but he manages to hide his surprise when you follow his silent instruction. The film starts, not that he really takes it in. He’s too busy trying to stay still with you so close to him. When he feels you shudder, it’s almost an instinct to just be a gentleman and cover you with the nearby blanket. Yet that selfish side to him which he didn’t think existed anymore had the cogs in his mind whirling. No one would see him if his hand moved under the blanket in the low lighting. He’d fought his desires for days now and it was driving himself insane. He reached out and found his fingers tracing over your leg, gentle but continuing to explore. He could feel your body reacting to his touch and it made his blood rush to his cock despite his best efforts. What he wasn’t expecting was you to react in your own defiant way and start exploring him with your hands too. When your hand bumps against his throbbing dick, he can’t help the noise that escapes his mouth. Thank god the movie is loud enough to cover the sound. If the two of you were alone right now, he’d have you pinned underneath him, begging for you to fuck him. Heart racing and cock throbbing, he moves away from you before he does something he regrets.

Joel has just about kept his restraint in control before doing something stupid. When get got invited over again for dinner a few days later, he found himself saying yes against his better judgement. You were a dangerous temptress to him, trying to drag him down against everything he’d fought against for so long. But he couldn’t say no. He wasting, however, expecting you to be dressed up and heading out. You looked like fucking sin as he eyed up and down. Jealousy twisted in his gut when he realised you weren’t dressed up like this for him. He watches you leave despite how much he wants to drag you back and pull you to his chest and instead forces himself to go into your house. The game plays but his mind is not following any of it. Before he can stop himself he’s texting you, checking up on you. When you text him the bar you’re at, he doesn’t hesitate to tell you he’ll be there soon. Making an excuse to your dad and leaving, he doesn’t even have a chance to process the guilt. His only focus is on getting to you. He parks up on the street and waits for you. When you emerge with another guy by your side, his eyes narrow and he bites back a growl. He’s the only guy who should be next to you he thinks. You climb into his truck and he starts driving. His anger is still flowing though his veins and he’s trying to keep it contained from him. When you ask him why he text you and why did he pick you up, the only response he can grit out is “I don’t know”. He can’t bring himself to say anymore whilst he’s so wound up. Before he even realises what he’s doing, he’s pulling up to his own house, not yours. Joel knows he shouldn’t but before he can stop himself, he’s inviting you inside to his house. He’s surprised by you again when you follow him. The The two of you face each other and it’s like some invisible thread is threading him to you. When you decline and drink and he’s left facing you with nothing in the way, he feels rigid with need. Before he can overthink it though, he’s stepping towards you and pressing his lips to yours. Your lips are like heaven, soft and perfect sent from the devil himself to ensnare him. He can’t remember anything feeling something so addictive. He can’t hold back the moan before he’s pushing the both of you towards his sofa. He feels you fall down and your fingers pull him down with you. He can’t help thinking that this is his time to be dragged down to hell after all his devious thoughts. And he accepts it willingly if it means he gets to finally feel your lips agonist his. His hands rum down the body he’s been dreaming of and it feels like an out of body experience, it’s like all of his dreams have come true at once. He doesn’t want this to end. When he asks if you want to stop and you beg him to not stop, it’s like that fire that was long extinguished is ignited. He kisses all over your body not wanting to leave an inch exposed. His body feels like it’s on fire and your body is simply fuelling it. When he finally pushes his fingers into your tight heat he has to bite back a moan, you’re so tight and wet around him. He can only imagine how it would feel wrapped around his cock. When you beg for more, he snaps and fucks you with three fingers and with no restraint. He feels blessed that you’d let him feel you this way. When he feels you clamp down around his fingers, he continues pumping his fingers lazily in and out until you collapse in a puddle under him. He can’t help bringing his fingers to his mouth and sucking the taste of you off him, it’s the best Fucking thing he’s tasted. But when the high is over for both of you, a wave of shame covers him. What the fuck was he thinking doing this to you. To his friend’s daughter. He’d kill anyone who did that to his daughter. He can’t but feel ashamed. Joel tries to explain it to you but you’re leaving before he can get the words out. He’s left feeling like an asshole.

Joel spends the night hating himself. He knows he should have handled it better. But his self preservation kicked in trying to protect both of you. It was better this way. You shouldn’t be doing any of this *stuff* together. Unfortunately he had forgotten he was due to host his annual barbecue the next day. He didn’t really think you’d turn up though. Stupid him. He’d been hosting most of the neighbourhood when a knock at his door had him answering the door. His eyes widened when he saw you stood there alongside your dad.He let you both in graciously, no one noticing how his eyes followed your body. He tries to talk to you but you brush him off, uninterested in what he has to say. He can’t blame you. But when you re-appear with another guy, he feels himself clenching his fists. When he watches the two of you sneak off inside the house, his jealousy forces himself to follow. He holds back for a few seconds and watches the other guy kiss you. The internal beast inside him growls and he can’t stop from striding over and putting a stop to it. The other guy’s face goes pale but it’s defiant like he’s ready to put up a fight. Fucking try me, Joel thinks. Luckily this little bitch of a man decides better and backs off( scattering off like a dog between its tail. He looks at you so angrily and asks what the fuck you’re doing that he grabs your hand and pulls you with him into his bedroom. He knows he doesn’t have much time but the adrenaline and testosterone has him determined to claim you even if you’re not his. He manages to get you on your back despite your protests. She’s throwing questions that Joel doesn’t really want to answer; isn’t ready to answer. But he continues to fuck you with his fingers whilst sucking on your clit and it’s like heaven and hell for him. Your fingers tugging on his hair feels like a delicious pain that he never wants to end. Yet he feels you clamp down on his fingers as your orgasm hits you. He continues pushing his fingers in and out lazily, helping you ride out your high. When he’s satisfied you’re done, he heads to his bathroom and comes back to press a warm washcloth to your sensitive skin to clean you up. Joel makes it a point for apologise to you, he knows he’s been an asshole to you. Hates himself for it. He asks you to give him to give him time to figure things out which really he knows he has no right to ask but you say ok. You’re too good for him.

Joel can’t help think he’s doing the right thing by keeping his distance again. Out of sight, out of mind. More like absence makes the heart grow fonder. He couldn’t drag his mind away from you. It was like he was 13 again with his first girlfriend. His thoughts were consumed by you. When he turned up unexpectedly at your house, he wasn’t prepared for you to be heading out with a bag. His first thoughts had him thinking you were going out with *that* guy. It made his jaw clench and an anger so fiery he wanted to punch something. But it’s like you could read his mind before you told him you were heading out with a girl friend. He knew he was an asshole for being that possessive but he couldn’t help it. Once he knew what you were doing he didn’t hesitate to kiss you. Let them see, he thought to himself. He spends the rest the of the day restless, wanting to talk to you. When you message him saying you miss him and wish he was there, he just about loses it. He’s half tempted to demand you tell him where you are so he can see you. He shouldn’t be this attached to you but he’s been ground down to something weak to you. His walls that he has carefully constructed to protect himself knocked down to rubble under your power.

He watches you sleeping peacefully, smiling at how your mouth hangs open slightly. After a few minutes he knocks on the door frame, watching you stir and try to take a hold of reality. In his eyes, you’ve never looked so perfect and sexy. You rise up slightly and look at him. Joel can’t stop himself from moving forward and sitting on the edge of the bed, his hand reaching out to grip your ankle. God she looks so Fucking sexy just waking, he can’t help thinking how she’d look waking up to his mouth between her legs. Joel whispers all the filthy thoughts in his mind whilst watching you squirm and moan against him. Before he takes it too far though, he manages to pull away, planting a soft kiss against your forehead before disappearing.

Dinner is tense, at least for Joel and you. Thankfully your dad is oblivious. But when he announced he has to head out for work, the tension isn’t lost on Joel. He locks eyes on you and you know what’s coming. Once the two of you are alone, the atmosphere changes. He watches you like a hawk as you go to wash up the dishes. Joel watched you turn on the tap before he switches it off. He can’t stop himself from moving everything till he has you turned around him, pressing you against his firm chest. He watches you sink to your knees and it’s not what he’s expecting. He goes to pull you up but you push his hands off. You beg him to let you and who is he to deny you. When he feels the heat of your mouth around him he can’t stop himself thrusting against you. When your hand cups his balls he can’t help moaning loudly and tangling his fingers in your hair. He can’t help but think the first time he fucks you it should be in a bed, not in the kitchen. He manages to get you to your bed, both of you breathless and pent up. He finally has you exactly where he wants you but when you close your eyes he can’t have that. He needs to see your dazzling eyes on him and he tells you so. He finally pushes into you for the first time and it feels like heaven and finally coming home to him. You are perfection to him. He continues to thrust in and out of you, not being able to stop the moans as he feels how tight and wet you are. When you cum around him, clenching tight, it drags him down with you.

He leaves you reluctantly, but with a promise you’ll come back to him the next day. You were like a drug to his system. He just couldn’t get enough and he didn’t know if you felt the same way. When you told him what you wanted to eat, he went out to the supermarket, determined to get everything you wanted. He felt way out of his depth but continued anyway. It was the least he could do for you. Once he was satisfied he has got everything, he got home and prepped everything. He’d even asked his neighbour for a cookbook which he never thought he’d do. Once he was satisfied everything was ready, he waited. Nervously.

Once you turned up, his nervous hadn’t eased. Yet he’d led you both to his sofa. You teased him for a bit but it only warmed his heart to you. When you asked him about his life though, he struggled. He wasn’t used to sharing and he felt himself going to put up walls before reminding himself it was you. So be told you everything. His brother, his ex wife, his daughter. And you didn’t bat an eye, not really. It just made him want to hold you even closer and not let go. You were perfect to him. Something to be treasured.

When you hugged him from behind, he froze. He wasn’t used to this level of intimacy. It was foreign but it made him feel so warm, so safe. It felt like being home. He pushed down the feeling, knowing it didn’t mean the same to you. When he watched you eat the food he had cooked and enjoyed it, it almost knocked the air out of him. He wanted nothing more to care for you in that way. His cock throbbed for you in every way.

Watching you sat on top of him had him crazy. He wanted…no needed you so badly right in this moment. When he pulls off your shirt so you’re left exposed and vulnerable to him, he doesn’t think he’s seen anything so beautiful. He sends a silent prayer above when he manages to get your bra off with one hand. He’s about to move when your voice cuts in.

“Do you have a condom? I forgot to pack one in my bag.”

Joel feels his body tense. What does she mean? He had fucked her only the other night and cum in her.

“I do but.. the other night.. we didn’t… you’re on birth control right?”

When she tells him that she’s not but it slipped both their minds, he’d angry. Angry at himself for being so careless. But that anger comes out at her. He finds himself shouting at her despite himself. Before he can explain it, he watches her storm out and curses himself. Please don’t leave, he says but it’s to himself.

When he hears the door slam he sinks to the floor. After a few minutes, he reaches for his wallet on his bedside table. He picks up his wallet and pulls out a piece of paper, folded in four. He unfolds it and stares down at the drawing of himself, carefully drawn and full of love.

Chapter Text

You’re so angry. No angry doesn’t cut it. You’re pissed and you’re confused and wondering how everything had gone so dramatically south after what had been one of the best nights of your life. You had ached to feel him inside you again, craved his touch and the familiarity of him that you had started getting used to. It had started becoming a soothing balm to your anger and frustration of all these years and you had clung to it like a lifeline. Being with Joel felt like coming up to breathe after years underwater, desperately trying to survive and just live. But when he had shouted at you, made it seem like you were the one in the wrong and had been at fault… well it had triggered all the bad sharp edges inside of you. He was like everyone else in your life who had given you a false sense of security like you were stupid for even trusting them in the first place. You thought Joel was different. He was so steady and thoughtful and a hyperbole for everything he should be.

You storm back to your house and don’t care how much noise you make. Right now you’d happily throw something just to feel something come undone just like you felt. Surprisingly you don’t bump into your dad and are instead left alone to storm to your room and slam the door behind you. You throw the bag to the floor and stare at yourself in the mirror. Your hair looks wild and your eyes are puffy and slightly red from the crying you did whilst marching home. Vaguely you think how your bra is still left abandoned at Joel’s house but you can’t bring yourself to care. Fuck. Him. You peel off your clothes and climb into bed, cocooning yourself in the comfort of your duvet. Your sarcastic subconscious takes the time to remind you this is why you don’t let people in anymore. You can’t help agreeing with it in this moment. You dimly hear your phone buzz but you ignore it, you don’t want to hear or talk to anyone right now. You manage to fall asleep despite the aching and longing in your heart.. you can’t stop the pang in your chest thinking how there would be one person who could ease this pain.

You jerk awake the next morning, for a few moments you forget about what had happened the night previously before it all comes crashing back to the forefront of your mind. You gulp back the sob wanting to break free. You allow yourself a few moments to feel sorry before settling down and putting your walls back up. You weren’t back here in Texas forever. You could get through this before you could leave again. Feeling like you were more put together and more like your usual self, you drag yourself out of bed and head downstairs to grab breakfast and coffee. Hopefully that would help fix your resolve. Once you have the hot mug snug between your hands, you feel your eyes close and a shaky breath leave your lips. You’re dragged from your quiet solitude by your dad’s voice.

“Didn’t expect you back so early, all ok?”

You can only muster a grunt in response, not even bothering to look up.

“Ok… well I’m heading out soon. There were some flowers left outside the door this morning, I’m assuming they’re from your friend you brought to the barbecue.. sure as hell aren’t for me” your dad’s voice breaks through your internal brooding.

“Flowers?” You mumble out.

“Yeh, I set them in the living room, probably should put them in water” he replies as he grabs his keys and makes to leave.

You wait for him to leave before going to investigate. When you see the flowers, you pause. Pink roses wrapped in green cellophane. Your favourite colour and the colour you had teased Joel about. You blink back the tears that are threatening to escape and pick them up in your trembling hand, gripping them tightly you march your way to the kitchen and drop them into the bin. Fuck. Him.

Looking around at the familiar room, where you had grown up, had breakfast, lunch and dinner with both your parents, just your dad, then your dad and Joel, you clench your eyes tight. You’d stopped wanting anything a long time ago. Stopped needed anything even longer before then. Yet you had wanted Joel. Needed Joel. He didn’t even know how much he had saved you from the hole you’d been digging for yourself. You hadn’t thought or expected anything would happen with him yet it had. But you’d been foolish enough to think it would lead to anything. You wanted to show him but then that had been taken away from you too. You had got used to the knowledge that nothing ever went right for you and that you weren’t a character in a movie where the princess got her Prince Charming and you lived happily ever after. But it didn’t stop you hoping. This was just another reminder that you weren’t that lucky, and you’d never be able to explain that to him. That’s what stunt the most.

Slumping onto the sofa and wrapping the blanket on the floor around yourself, you switch on the tv and try to lose yourself in the show on the screen. Rolling your eyes at the rom-com that’s playing, you keep switching till a true crime documentary comes on. Nothing like some crime to soothe your jagged soul. Whilst half listening to the story being played out in front of you, you can’t help your mind wondering to what Joel is up to. Is he hurting like you are? Is he thinking about you? Don’t be so stupid, you tell yourself.

Maybe you’d feel slightly better if you only knew how the man in question was currently pacing around his house like a caged animal, wanting desperately to come over to you now and prove to you just how much he cares about you.

When you were growing up, Texas had always felt like a magical place to you. An expanse of land that had an undetermined amount of possibilities for you to go out and explore and discover. Sure, it was unbearably hot most of the time and dust seemed to seep into most places but to you it was magic. It wasn’t until you moved to New York that you truly discovered the wonders of the world. A concrete jungle that would give you so many opportunities to thrive in life but ultimately became your downfall. Coming back “home” seemed less shiny than you remembered. The heat seemed like it was pressing down on you to the point it felt hard to breathe sometimes. So used to the ever changing seasons that the east coast presented you with, the stifling heat was something you often struggled with. When you woke up a few days later to rain, you half thought you were still dreaming. It never rains in summer in Texas but your eyes confirmed it to you despite your confusion. Childlike wonder overcame you as you opened your window and reached your fingers out to feel the drops that were warm almost like standing in the shower. The first smile you’d felt in days stretched across your face as you took in the sensation. A roll of thunder filled your room followed by a flash of lightening, a perfect summer storm. The irony wasn’t lost on you how accurately it reflected your inner feelings as of late. Your dad had been out for a few days now for work, leaving you alone at home and alone to stew in your feelings which had suited you perfectly. You hadn’t had to waste your energy on pretending you were fine.

Finding yourself curled up on the sofa with a movie whilst the storm wrapped its fingers around your home, you felt yourself at ease for the first time in days since your fight with Joel. Oblivious to everything else and your focus set on the tv screen, something out of the corner of your eye drags your attention to the window. It was only a flash of something out of the window but it’s enough to have you standing up and going to investigate. You try to peer out the window as best as you can but the rain lashing against it makes it near impossible so you press pause on the movie and head to your front door. When you open it, you freeze for a moment. Stood on your porch, plaid shirt plastered to his chest and dark hair dripping down against his handsome face like he’s been stood fully clothed in a shower is Joel. He looks at you with a pained expression, dark eyes full of emotion and fists clenched against his side.

“Joel what -“

“Please.. just don’t talk. Just listen. I know I don’t have the right to ask you that but please” he pleads, taking a shaky breath before he continues. “The other night.. I was mad. Mad at myself. Not you. Never at you baby girl” his voice goes soft and his chocolate eyes glance up to look at yours.

When you don’t say anything, he pushes on.

“You.. I.. fuck.. I’m so bad at this. I shouldn’t be here. I should have never touched you. But I couldn’t keep myself away. You’re drivin’ me insane baby.. everything about you.”

He takes a step closer to you and you can’t help but track the drop of water rolling from his hair down the side of his face and half think how much you’d like to capture it with your tongue.

“I have no right to be here seeing you. But I couldn’t stay away any longer. I just hoped maybe you’d…” his voice trails off, eyes back to looking at the ground.

“Joel..”

Upon hearing your voice, he looks up, something unknown emotional flashing across his eyes.

“Did you get my flowers?” He asks, shyness tinging his voice

“Yes.. I threw them in the bin” you mumble.

He nods but you can see the sadness reflect through his body and it hits you somewhere deep how much you hate seeing him sad despite your anger. So you continue “you picked out our two favourite colours huh” the teasing lacing through your tone.

He scoffs in response but chances a glance at you and you notice the small smile he can’t hide from you.

“I never meant to hurt you” he whispers.

You take a deep breath before stepping outside to join him, the warm rain soaking you in seconds but it doesn’t even register in your brain at that moment. Some invisible wire is pulling you towards the hunched man in front of you despite every instinct in you telling you not to. You reach your hand up to cup his cheek and he leans in to it, his eyes clenched like he’s in pain.

“I’m so so sorry baby” he grits out, eyes opening to settle on yours.

Before you can stop yourself, the words are out of your mouth.

“I forgive you.”

It’s like something snaps at your words as he bends to pick you up, your legs instinctively wrapping his waste. You’re stood there, rain pounding down over you both, thunder rumbling in the sky and anyone could see you. But right now it’s like you’re both in one bubble, away from anything that can hurt you. When his mouth finds yours, you don’t fight it.

“I want you” his voice is raspy when the two of you pull apart.

You nuzzle into his neck and whisper into his wet skin “I want you too Joel.”

“Shit” you hear him exhale shakily and cling to you tighter.

He carries you into your house and you watch him kick the door closed behind the two of you. He carries you up the stairs to your bedroom before gently lying you down. He stands above you, panting slightly as he takes you in and water drips onto the carpet.

“Take off your top darlin’, let me see you.”

You do as he asks, peeling your soaking top over your head with shaky hands, only breaking eye contact when the material passes over your eyes. His dark eyes travel over your exposed skin like it pains him to be stood away from you whilst you do it.

“Take off your trousers” his voice rasps.

Again, you follow his instructions and drag them down from your hips before lying there feeling vulnerable and exposed.

“You’re so beautiful…” his voice is full of wonder which you can’t understand.

Before you can ask, you watch Joel slowly unbutton his shirt to reveal his broad shoulders and chest, the familiar speckling of freckles which have you wanting to kiss each one. He drops his sodden shirt to the floor before reaching for his belt, the clink of the metal sounding so loud in the quiet of your room before that too is dropped to the ground.

“Not stopped thinking about you since you left my house.. wanted to come over here and see you every second of the day” he admits, unzipping his jeans and pulling them down till he’s left just in his boxers which are straining from his erection.

He crawls onto the end of your bed and edges towards you, the dark look still in his eyes.

“Hated what I did to you.. hated thinking you thought I was mad at you” he admits softly, placing soft kisses up your legs as he moves.

You can’t help squirming under his touch and moaning gently, he pulls it from you so effortlessly that you couldn’t stop it if you tried. Your body is his to manipulate as easy as soft clay.

“Needed to make you realise how much I think about you..” another kiss on the inside of your thigh. “Needed you to know I want you” his thumb brushes against your underwear. “Needed you to know I need you” he whispers, mouth pressed against your now aching sex. When he feels that you’re wet already for him, he groans into you.

“Joel please” you moan, fingers tangled into the wet threads of his hair.

“I promised myself I would make you realise just how much I care” he murmurs, eyes looking up to meet yours from between your legs.

You pull at his shoulders and he seems to get the message because he lifts up and moves up your body, supporting himself on his elbows as he stares into your eyes like he’s searching for something. You feel the heat rolling off him and it soaks into you like the two of you were made to coexist.

“I forgive you.. I.. I want you. I need you Joel” you manage to stammer out. You can feel the blush heat your cheeks at your admission.

You go to lower your face but his hand comes up to gently cup your chin and lift your head up so you’re facing him. The intensity his gaze holds has you blushing harder but he keeps you there.

“Tell me if you want me to stop..”

You shake your head in response. “There’s ermm.. there’s a condom in my bedside drawer..” you trail off, trying not to dwell on the cause of your argument that got you to this point.

You watch him reach over and pull open the drawer before snagging what he’s looking for. When he gets it on and he lines himself up with you, he gives you one more heated look.

“Are you sure?”

“Please..” it’s a breathless beg from you.

It’s not like the other times which felt rushed at best. He eases into you with such restraint like he’s afraid to break you. It drives you a little mad because you just need to feel him but he doesn’t hurry. You feel every inch of him as he sinks into you and when he bottoms out you both sigh. The two of you are connected in the most intimate way and it feels different to you than before. You vaguely wonder if it feels different to him too. There’s nothing frantic about it, he rocks against you and holds you tenderly, pressing soft kisses to your face and mouth that sear your skin with need.

“Mine… you’re mine” he whispers possessively into your ear.

“I’m yours” you gasp out, feeling your orgasm rolling through you.

You hear Joel groan out at your words, picking the pace up to fuck into you faster. When his mouth latches onto your neck and bites, it’s the final push you need over the edge and you come with a moan, fingers scratching down his strong back. Whilst you lie there coming down from your high, Joel picks up the pace again as he fucks into your fast and hard as he chases his own high. When he looks down at you, his hips stutter and he pushes in as deep as he can before he lets go and moans as his cock throbs inside of you. He slumps down over you, enveloping you in his heat. He lies like that for a while before flopping over onto his back next to you breathing heavily.

“Best apology ever” you say, smirking at him.

You don’t miss the smile that break out across his handsome face, his face looking boyish in happiness and relief as he pulls you into his side to cuddle. You lie cuddle into him in silence with nothing but the rain pattering against the window and once more you finally feel at peace.

Chapter Text

You must have drifted off momentarily, lulled by the sound of rain hitting the glass of your window and the heat of the body lying next to you. You drowsily open your eyes when you feel a soft hand caress the side of your face and you blink up to take in the soft, smiling face hovering above you.

“You’re so pretty when you’re sleeping” he says in a soft voice, tenderly stroking his fingers against the curve of your cheek. “I should be going….” He says, the reluctance in his tone betraying just how much he doesn’t want to leave you.

In response, you let out a sleepy grumble and reach over his chest to pull him closer to you. “Don’t want you to go” you mumble into his side, pouting and sounding sulky.

The sound makes him chuckle, the vibrations echoing into your skin.

“Believe me, I really don’t want to leave” his low voice rumbles against your head as he presses his lips into your hair.

“Joel I’m scared…”

He props himself up on his elbow to hover over you, looking down at you softly. “Why, baby girl?”

“Because what if this is all that keeps happening… we get close and then we fight and then make up only to go back to fighting again”

You don’t realise you’re biting your bottom lip until Joel’s thumb is brushing against it, relaxing the hold you have.

“Hey.. look at me” it’s a soft command but the tone has you obeying anyway. “I know this hasn’t been easy.. I’m to blame for that”

You go to protest but he cuts you off before you get the chance. “I want whatever is happening here between us.. I won’t screw up again. I promise” his hand wraps around yours and clenches it gently to make his point.

You relax slightly at his words and let out the breath you’ve been holding. “Ok.”

“Ok?” He murmurs, pressing his lips to the palm of your hand.

You nod in response before hooking your leg over his thigh and pulling yourself over his body, no other reason other than to just feel him closer to you. You rest your head against his chest and feel the fast beating of his heart that matches your similarly fast beating pace. Despite everything, it’s like the two of you are destined to just be in sync. To simply exist together. You try to shake that thought quickly from your mind. You feel Joel nuzzle into your hair and you can’t help sighing in satisfaction at the sensation.

“You gonna be ok if I leave now? I don’t wanna push my luck..”

“No it’s ok.. I know you can’t stay all night.”

He lets out a heavy sigh before easing you off him so you’re lying on your back again. You watch him sit up and stretch, admiring the muscles growing taunt against his skin in his back and neck. God you need to get a grip of yourself. When he turns around to look at you, he must see how you’ve been watching him because his eyes grow a little darker.

“One thing before I go…” his voice is so low it’s almost like a growl and he shifts to hover over your body.

Before you can question him, he lowers his mouth down to the skin just above your breast, pressing an open mouth kiss before biting and sucking hard. You shout out in surprise but it’s a few more seconds before he lets go with a wet pop. He locks eyes with you, his looking dark and possessive at your own wide eyed stare. You know it’s going to leave a mark and a shiver of pleasure makes its way through your body at the thought of it. He presses his thumb over where his mouth has just been and smirks at you, daring you to say anything. When you don’t respond, he stands up and starts pulling on his clothes again. Feeling vulnerable, you pull the duvet around you and observe him as he gets ready to leave. How does he make everything look so simple and effortless? Once he’s fully dressed, he pauses for a moment, hands awkwardly tensing as if he’s debating what to do next. You watch him slowly turn to face you and the fierceness of his expression has you gulping.

“I know we’ve got a lot more to talk about but promise me that you’re ok… you’re not sad, right?”

The bluntness and childishness of his question has you biting back a laugh. You feel the smile tugging on your lips as you answer him. “No, I’m ok. We’re ok… we can sort everything out soon.”

He nods to himself at your words but still steps towards you and reaches out to feel your skin one more time on his hand before he leaves. “I think I need to go now or I never will” he says gently, voice laced with pain at the thought of leaving you.

“Call me or message me.. I can’t deal with the silence again” you admit despite your best intentions.

“I couldn’t if I tried” he replies simply, not trying to hide the emotion in his words and it has you melting.

He leans down to press his lips gently against yours before he’s pulling away far too quickly for your liking. But you don’t protest. You let him leave even though every inch of you is screaming to follow him and drag him back to your bed.

*********

When you wake up the next day, you feel slightly disoriented before the giddiness kicks in. Joel Miller wants you, you want to shout it from the rooftop. You take a few minutes to let the feeling seep into your bones and take root before you reach over to your phone. There’s one unread message from Joel.

*Good morning, pretty girl. I’ll be thinking of you all day*

You grin so wide that your mouth hurts and you have to stop yourself from literally kicking your feet in happiness. You manage to calm yourself down before sending off a reply.

*Good morning, old man. Better focus on your work, wouldn’t want any mistakes*

You don’t expect a response as quickly as it comes back but you feel your skin heat when you read the response.

*Old man? Baby, I can’t wait to make you regret those words*

Your thighs clench instinctively. You’re torn on what to respond before another message comes through.

*are you free tonight?*

You want to say yes but you’re silently cursing yourself because you’d agreed to let charlotte take you out tonight a few days ago when you were in your ‘fuck all men’ phase after your fight with Joel. You reluctantly message back.

*I’m going out tonight with Charlotte*

*Come over to my place before you go?*

You don’t hesitate to text back and agree. You can’t help thinking you probably need to see him rather than punish yourself unnecessarily. You don’t hear from Joel again and you try to distract yourself by going through the motions of the day. You message charlotte at one point to let her know you’ll meet her at the bar rather than picking you up. You have much bigger things in mind before you go out with her.. all involving Joel.

*******

You knock on the door and shift awkwardly. Before you can psych yourself out, the door is opening. Joel is stood before you, grey sweatpants clinging to his hips and a white t-shirt that clings to his arms in a sinful way. You watch him glance carefully over your shoulder before grabbing your hand and tugging you in gently. You stumble over the threshold before steady, warm hands support your waist and pull you towards his firm chest. He holds you tight against him for a few moments before holding you out at arms reach, eyes dragging up and down your body.

“Damn baby…”

You fight the urge to feel self conscious and focus your eyes towards him.

“I have half a mind to tell you there’s no way in hell that you’re going out dressed that good” he says darkly, eyes once again going over your v neck top and short black skirt.

“I like this though” he says softly, fingers trailing over the soft material of your skirt which makes you shiver slightly.

You grip his fingers when his hand travels up higher, bringing them up to your mouth to kiss gently.

“Upstairs. On my bed.” He manages to grit out.

You scramble to get up the stairs and onto his bed, heart racing at what will happen next.

“The things I want to do to you..” he growls as he positions himself between your thighs on the bed.

“Show me” you mean for it to come out as a demand but it’s more breathless than you intended.

Joel laughs softly before leaning down so his mouth is just over your ear. “I will, soon enough.”

His fingers start to pull your skirt up and you lift your hips up to help him. When his fingers ghost along your panties he groans.

“You’re so wet already… is that all for me?” He’s practically panting now. “You need me baby?” He asks, fingers digging into the insides of your thighs so tightly that you know they’ll leave fingerprints.

You whine at the contact and squirm under him. He tightens his hold in response, keeping you still under him.

“I was thinking…” his gravelly voice makes your thighs clench as his knuckles brush over your side. “That I can’t let you go out tonight without feeling me.”

He pushes your skirt up so it’s a thin band clinging to your hips before pulling your underwear carefully down your legs. His hand caresses the inside of your thigh before sliding a finger between your folds. He brings his finger up to his mouth before pushing it into his mouth to suck. He lets out a sound of appreciation before lowering his hand and pushing his wet finger into you.

“Fuck, Joel… please” you moan.

“Shhh baby… take it.”

He pushes another finger into your tight hole whilst starting to circle your clit slowly with his thumb.

“God you’re so right around me baby girl” he grits out through his teeth. “You want more? Want to feel my cock fucking your pussy” he growls.

“Yes, please Joel, please” you manage to beg as you squeeze your eyes shut.

You hear him pull upen the bedside drawer before a rip of foil echos in the room. Joel lines himself up against you before pushing in with no warning. The size of him has you whimpering, he gives you no time to adjust

“This. Is. Mine.” He punctuates each word clearly as he thrusts into you.

He pounds into you with a relentless pace, giving you no time to catch your breath or say anything. He leans down to brush his thumb over your clit and the touch has you clenching down around his dick.

“Fuck, don’t stop please” you beg.

He swipes his thumb over your sensitive bundle of nerves a few more times before he slams into you, burying himself deep and pulling his thumb away at the same time. You feel his cock twitch and pulse inside of you as he moans, forehead pressed against yours. Once he catches his breath, he pulls out slowly which pulls a hiss from both of you.

He must see the confusion on your face because he pulls out with a half smirk on his face.

“Enjoy your night out desperate and thinking about me baby” he says pushing a curl of your hair behind your ear.

“You are diabolical” you huff, reaching to pull your skirt down and make yourself presentable again.

He laughs in response and watches you straighten yourself up. “I’d say I was sorry but… I’m really not.”

You huff, standing up and feeling very pent up with a lot of sexual frustration. “Revenge is a dish best served cold Miller, better watch your back.”

He laughs before leaning over to pull his jeans up and pulling a t shirt over his head. You can’t help the feeling to ask him to take it straight off. It seems a crime for him to cover the beauty that is his flawless body.

You follow him downstairs and watch him pick up his keys whilst he reaches out his hand to you. You take it and follow him outside. He opens the passenger door off his truck for you and helps you in before gently closing the door and heading to the drivers side.

He drives you to the bar, the both of you sitting in comfortable silence whilst the radio plays quietly, his hand resting on your leg. When he pulls up outside the bar, you feel reluctant to leave him.

“I don’t want to go…” you admit, fingers threading together nervously.

“Go have fun, I’ll be waiting for you” he says, taking one of your hands in his, squeezing it reassuringly.

You nod and go to open the door but his hand pulls you back so you’re facing him.

“Anyone tries to touch you.. you tell me, ok”. It’s a statement not a question.

You can only nod before he presses his lips to yours before releasing you.

Chapter Text

You reluctantly pull away from Joel with the promise to let him know when you’re ready for him to pick you up and stand unsteadily onto the concrete outside his truck. You give him an awkward wave before making your way into the bar, noting with a fuzzy feeling that he stays sat in his truck to make sure you go inside safely.

You step inside the bar and immediately feel the heat from all the bodies crammed inside envelope you. It’s crazy busy but the buzz of energy and different conversations makes you feel happy. You scan your eyes around the crowded bar before seeing Charlotte waving at you with a grin on her face. You make your way over to the booth and settle yourself in, grinning in return.

“Oh you’re the best!” You say, nodding to the pitcher of some drink she’s already ordered for the two of you that’s sat on the table.

“Well now that you’ve said that, I don’t have to feel bad at asking you this next question” she says, eyebrows wriggling comically at you.

You sigh, pouring yourself a cup from the pitcher sat on the table between the two of you and take a long sip. You feel grateful she knows you so well already by the fact she’s ordered a sex on the beach cocktail and not some nasty cheap beer that you’d have to choke back.

“How come you didn’t want me to pick you up?” She asks, eyes narrowing to fix on yours but a smile playing across her face to let you know she’s not serious.

You open your mouth to respond before closing it again. It’s not that you think she’ll judge you in any way but if you say the words out loud, it’ll make the whole situation more.. real somehow. And you’re not sure if you’re ready to do that.

“It’s because of a guy isn’t it?” She asks, annoyingly perceptive.

“Charlotte..” you trail off, trying to hide the reservation in your voice.

“Hey, I’m not judging! I’m just curious. Is it mr white teeth and dangerous eyes?”

“No.. it’s not him..” you trail off.

“You sure? Because he’s heading straight towards us.”

You glance over your shoulder and see Andrew heading towards you. You gulp and try to make your face look impassive.

“Hey, not heard from you in a while” he says, settling next to you.

You flinch as his arm curls over your shoulder but he doesn’t seem to notice.

“Been meaning to catch up with you” he murmurs against your ear but it makes your skin crawl more than anything. You don’t want him, you want Joel.

You try to shift your body away from him but he moves with you.

“Leave me alone, Andrew. I’m not interested” you force out through gritted teeth, your eyes sending daggers in his direction.

“What’s your problem? You had no problem being all over me at your neighbours house. Then what? You just thought you could ghost me?” His voice is goading and grating on your nerves.

You mentally go through the calming techniques your therapist back in New York had taught you; back when your mum thought that would cure all your anger issues. Realistically though, you’re contemplating how easy it would be to punch him in the balls right now. Instead of resorting straight to violence though, you think of something that makes you happy and that one thing that comes straight to mind is Joel. You picture his face, how he tries and fails to cover up his shy smile, how his eyes soften when they look at you, how his arms feel wrapped around you and how it feels like coming hone. You let out a steady breath as the thought grounds you.

“Dude, get the message. She just doesn’t want you” your friend says from across the table with a look of murder on her face too.

Andrew glares at the two of you before holding his hands up in a mock form of peace. You watch him slide out of the booth and stand up before a sly smile contorts his handsome face.

“Should have known you were just a tease. Can’t exactly be girlfriend material when you’re that much of a slut on the first date.”

The next few moments seem to go by in a blur before your body is stood in front of his and your fist is making a satisfying crunch against his nose.

“You bitch!” He hisses through a muffled voice, his hands cupping his nose protectively.

You can’t help the feeling of satisfaction of watching blood drip from it. You enjoy the sight before grimacing at the jolt of pain that flashes through your still clenched fist. You can’t help thinking how it looks easier to punch someone in movies. Several other people seem to have watched the scene play out and come over to make sure everything is alright.

“Yeh we’re fine, he’s just leaving” Charlotte answers for you, heavy emphasis on the ‘he’ as she glares at Andrew.

He looks like he’s going to say something further but thinks better of it before hastily making his exit.

“Holy shit, that was amazing!” She says, looking at you with wide eyes.

“Doesn’t feel amazing” you reply wryly. “Fuck my hand kills.”

“I’ll go get some ice, just sit down” she says firmly.

You sit back in the booth, looking at your red knuckles that took the force of the hit. Some of them are slightly cut from the impact and you let out a shaky breath. You don’t regret punching him, the prick deserved it. But you are slightly disappointed in yourself for snapping like that. You’d tried so hard to silence that part of you. Shit.. what is Joel going to say when he sees.
Would he be disappointed in you? Angry even? Before you can dwell too much on that thought, you’re being handed a small bag of ice which you gratefully press against your swollen and aching knuckles.

“Good to know I don’t have to worry about any creeps hitting on me now. I’ll just send you their way” Charlotte smirks at you.

You raise your eyebrows at her in response and shake your head before pushing the ice more firmly against your skin.

“I think this calls for shots.”

********

You end up getting more drunk than you planned to but the events of the night had you wanting to feel numb. The accusation that you weren’t girlfriend material and were a slut had hit a nerve that you didn’t know was so exposed. So you sank into habits you knew only too well. You wince when you check your phone and see it’s gone midnight. With slightly shaky hands, you send a text to Joel to let him know you’re ready to be picked up. He replies instantly and lets you know he’ll be there in 20 minutes.

You head outside to get some fresh air whilst you wait. Charlotte insists on staying with you despite your protests that you’ll be fine. When you see the familiar truck pull up, you go to say your goodbyes before Charlotte grabs your wrist.

“Is that who I think it is!” She says, grinning widely at you.

You’re too drunk to even come up with an excuse so you just shrug awkwardly before making her promise she’ll text you to let you know she’s got home safely.

“We’re going to discuss this when we’re both sober” she playfully teases you before letting you go.

You stumble over to the truck and haul yourself in as gracefully as you can.

“Hey baby girl, have a good time?” His familiar rough voice is like heaven to your ears. He leans over you to pull your seatbelt over whilst pressing a soft kiss to your forehead.

You hum in response and reach to lace your fingers with his, just wanting to feel him after the night you’ve had. When he raises your hand up to brush his lips over your knuckles, you can’t help the hiss of pain you let out.

“What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing… just a misunderstanding” you mutter, trying to pull your hand away.

He doesn’t let you though, instead raising your hand up so the streetlight can give him a better view. When he sees the state of your hand, his eyes narrow and his grip tightens slightly.

“What happened?” He asks, his voice low but even.

“There was an.. incident” is all you can admit to.

“If you don’t tell me what happened then I’ll go into that bar and ask someone who’ll tell me” he warns.

You let out a dramatic sigh before telling him. Once you’re finished, you expect him to shout or storm out of his truck but instead he’s calm. Which is more scary to be honest. Hot but scary.

“I’ll kill him” he says simply despite how you notice how his hands are shaking in anger. “No, seriously. Where does he live? I’d like to have a chat with him.”

“Joel, it’s fine. I dealt with it. Trust me, he probably is feeling a lot worse than I am”.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with that” he shouts, banging his hands against the steering wheel. “Sorry.. didn’ mean to shout. I’m just… I wish I had been there for you” he says more softly now, his eyes glancing over to you.

You’re glad you hadn’t told him about how you’d been called a slut because that really would have had him behind bars before the morning. You shift over a bit so you’re closer to him and cup his face in your hands.

“Hey it’s ok… I’m ok..” you whisper softly, trying to calm him down.

He closes his eyes and rests his forehead against yours, trying to slow his breathing. When you think he’s calmed down enough, you pull back before brushing your fingers against his hair.

“Can we go home now?”

“Yeh baby… yeh we can” he says, reluctantly settling himself back in his seat so he drive you both back.

*******

When he pulls into his driveway and switches off the engine, he sits there stiffly whilst still clutching the wheel.

“Joel?”

“C’mon darlin’, let’s get you inside”

He opens your door for you and holds out a hand for you to grab. He guides you into his house before closing and locking the door behind him.

He tells you to head up to bed whilst he sorts a few things out. You make your way up the stairs and head to his bedroom, trying to forget about the last disastrous moment you had when you were here. You sit on the edge of the bed and wait for him.

Not long after, he appears with a glass of water in hand along with a small first aid kit. He hands you the water before sinking to his knees at your feet. Without a word, he carefully pulls your shoes off and sets them aside and then opens the first aid kit.

“This feels familiar” you try to joke but you only get a grunt in response.

He takes your hand gently in his and wipes your cracked knuckles with an antibacterial wipe. You jerk your hand slightly from the sting but he holds you steady whilst he finishes cleaning you up. When he’s done he presses a gentle kiss to each knuckle without saying anything. Then he looks up and the fire in his gaze has you sucking in a breath. Before you can say anything though, he’s standing up and towering over you. He walks over to his drawers and pulls out a grey t shirt and hands it to you.

You pull your top off before your skirts joins it, leaving you in just your underwear. Joel looks like he wants to say something before turning his back to give you privacy, not that you want it. You want him to grab you and do unspeakable things to you to quiet the voices in your head that are telling you that you’re not enough for him. Yet you match his silence, pulling his t shirt over your head, it’s so big that it comes down to your thighs. It’s soft and smells exactly like him. Whilst you sort yourself out, you watch Joel toss his jeans to the side of the room before pulling on a pair of sweatpants. He takes off his own shirt but doesn’t replace it, instead turning round to join you on the bed.

He lies down at the head of the bed and reaches out to pull you up alongside him. When you’re securely lying on your back next to him, he switches off the lamp and then leans over to brush the back of his hand against your face.

“I can’t stand the thought of you being hurt” he whispers into the darkness.

“Looks worse than it is” you murmur.

He leans down and kisses you so fiercely that it makes your heart stutter.

“My little fighter girl” he says and you can swear you feel his smile despite being able to see nothing in the darkness of the room.

He lies down and pulls you into his chest, arms locking you in so you couldn’t move even if you wanted to. You lie that way until you must drift off without meaning to.

You’re not sure what you’re dreaming about before you’re jolted awake by a moaning sound. You squint your eyes against the darkness but it doesn’t help. Yet you feel Joel lightly thrashing next to you.

“No… no please don’t!” His voice sounds panicked and breathless.

“Joel! It’s just a bad dream.. it’s ok.. you’re ok” you stutter, pressing yourself against his back and try to calm him down.

“Don’t touch her!” He shouts out.

You can feel the sweat coating his back and squeeze him tighter.

“Shhh.. shh it’s ok.. Joel you’re ok” you desperately say.

He jerks awake and you can hear him panting like he’s just been sprinting a marathon. You hear him whisper your name before reaching out for you and clinging tightly against your body. You continue to soothe him and stroke his hair, trying to get your own breathing under control to help him.

“It’s ok.. I’m here.. you’re ok”

Chapter Text

You feel Joel jolt up in bed next to you before his voice rasps out: “fuck, where I am?”

“You had a bad dream” you say as gently as you can whilst soothing his sweaty curls with your hand.

He slowly sinks back down onto the bed but you can still hear the shakiness of his breath as he calms himself down. You try to edge away slightly to allow him time to come round but you feel his arm reach out blindly to hook you and pull you closer to him.

“Do you.. do you have bad dreams a lot?” You ask tentatively whilst nuzzling into his side.

“Not in a long time..” his voice sounds rough and deep with sleep.

“Do you want to talk about it”

“No”

You go to press the subject a bit more but before you can do, he’s pulling you even tighter against himself and you allow the silence to wrap around the two of you and drag you back into sleep.

*********

As the sun crept through the blinds, piercing through the veil of the morning, you’re stirred in bed. Your eyelids felt heavy, as if a weight had settled upon them. With a groan, you try to piece together the fragments of the previous night, only to be met with a throbbing ache in your head.

Memories flooded back in snippets – laughter, clinking glasses, the pulsating beat of music. But between those moments lay a foggy void, a blank canvas painted in the colors of blurred recollection. Oh, and the recollection of your fist connecting with the nose of a dickhead.

With a sigh, you pull yourself upright, immediately regretting the sudden movement. The room spins around you, as if mocking your hazy state of mind.

Your tongue feels like sandpaper, your mouth dry and parched. A glance at the bedside table revealed an empty glass and a half-full bottle of water. Joel must have left it for you. You chug the water, hoping it would alleviate the desert that was your mouth.

Slowly, you take in your surroundings. Clothes strewn across the floor, the faint smell of stale alcohol lingering in the air, and your phone lying facedown with multiple missed calls and messages.

A surge of anxiety creeps into your chest as you place together the fragments of the night before. You don’t think Joel was angry at you but you can’t quite remember.

Dragging yourself out of bed, you make your way to the bathroom. The mirror reflected a tired, disheveled version of yourself. Dark circles under your eyes, hair tangled in knots – a stark contrast to the polished version you had made yourself out to be before going out last night.

Splashing water on your face brought a momentary sense of relief. You take a deep breath, trying to shake off the heaviness that clung to you like a second skin.

With each passing minute, the fragments of the previous night began to coalesce into a clearer narrative. You suddenly remember Joel taking you home and making you feel safe before he woke you up with his bad dream.

The soft sounds of clinking plates and the tantalizing smell of breakfast downstairs drag you from your thoughts, pulling on a t shirt of Joel’s, you make your way downstairs.

When you enter the kitchen, you pause for a moment to admire the sight in front of you with a small smile on your face. Joel is stood by the stove, an apron wrapped around his waist, focused on flipping pancakes with a practiced ease.

"Good morning," he says, his voice carrying a gentle warmth that resonated through the room when he notices you.

"Morning," you reply, your voice still tinged with sleep and slightly croaky.

With a playful twinkle in his eye, Joel signals you to the table adorned with an array of breakfast delights – fluffy pancakes adorned with fresh berries, a platter of crispy bacon, and a pot of steaming coffee waiting to be poured.

As you settle at the table, a mix of emotions swirled within you – delight at the thoughtful gesture, a touch of nervousness stemming from the intimacy of the moment, and a profound sense of happiness that comes with being cared for by someone you can’t help yourself with feeling more and more for. The latter point being something that also makes you the most nervous out of them all.

“I like this” you say, through a mouthful of food.

“Me too, I’m a good cook” he replies, a smirk ghosting across his handsome features.

Right… the food.. you think to yourself.

You don’t reply but continue to eat the food in front of you. The room is filled with the scraping of cutlery on plates before Joel breaks the silence.

“Do you wanna talk about what happened last night?”

“You mean your dream?”

You watch his eyes narrow and his jaw tighten before he shakes his head. “No, the fight you got into.”

“Not much to say” you shrug your shoulders.

“Well I’d like to know what had you throwing punches” he replies sternly.

“Well I’d like to know what had you shouting in your sleep” you throw back defensively.

You both glare stubbornly at each other across the table, neither of you willing to give an answer. It really is eerie sometimes how similar the two of you are. When neither of you give an answer again, you finish your mouthful of food before the sound of your chair scraping backwards against the floor fills the room.

“I should get home.. thanks for breakfast” you say awkwardly, avoiding making eye contact.

You don’t wait for a reply before leaving the kitchen and heading upstairs to gather the rest of your stuff. Once you’re satisfied you’ve got everything, you go back downstairs and make your way to the front door. Before you can leave though, Joel is crowding you against the door.

“This thing between us… it’s good right? I’m not imagin’ things?”

“Sure.” Is all you can offer him in the moment, forcing a small smile on to your face.

You watch his eyes search your face intently before pulling back slightly, allowing you to leave.

********
You find yourself back home and full of pent up energy. No matter what you do, you keep thinking about Joel, about your confusing feelings for him and your frustration about how he won’t talk to you about things that are bothering you. You try to distract yourself with music and drawing before you’re interrupted by a soft knock on your door. Your heart jumps slightly, hoping it’s Joel come to talk to you before your dad’s voice breaks the dream.

“Hey kiddo, you all good?”

“Yeh dad.. couldn’t be better” you lie.

“Good…good… ermm there’s something I was hoping to talk to you about.”

The hesitation in his voice has you focusing on him properly now. He can’t know about you and Joel surely? You’ve been smart, you’ve been careful.

“Your mum wants to come down and visit..” his voice trails off awkwardly.

“No.” You reply firmly, your nails digging into the palm of your hand instinctively.

“Look I know you and your mum aren’t on the best of terms but I spoke to her and she misses you.”

“Oh she sure cared that much when she kicked me out of her house and sent me here” you sneer in response.

“Hey I’m not arguing with you but I’m not going to say I’m not glad that you ended up back here even if it was just for the summer.”

You bite your lip to stop yourself from throwing out an angry retort and take a deep breath.

“Fine, if that’s what you want then I can’t stop you.”

“How about we turn it into a party? Some kind of late welcome home party” he says hopefully.

You offer a faint nod in response before leaving the room, the anxiety eating away in your stomach that makes you think that this is a terrible

*********

The evening was aglow with anticipation. Dad’s house was bustling with laughter, music, and the clinking of glasses, the perfect ambiance for a celebration. You were feeling nervous and uneasy despite the happy and bubbly façade you put on to everyone else.

Your heart sank as you caught sight of a familiar figure approaching from the front gate. It was Mum, adorned in an elegant dress that shimmered under the evening lights. Her arrival sent shockwaves through your nerves, despite knowing she was going to be here. You were now regretting the decision to not tell Joel what was going to be happening tonight. You could do with the extra support even if it was from afar.

Trying to conceal your
flustered state, you greet her with a forced smile. The air became thick with an awkward tension as she navigated her way through the crowd, acknowledging acquaintances and old friends. It was surreal, seeing her amidst Dad's guests, amidst an environment where her presence was unexpected, to say the least.

You feel torn between the conflicting emotions of joy at seeing her and the anxiety of her appearance. Mum and Dad hadn’t been in the same space since their separation, let alone at a party celebrating you at your childhood home.

As you observe her, you couldn’t help but notice the mix of emotions on her face – a blend of nostalgia, discomfort, and perhaps a hint of regret. She carried herself with grace, yet her eyes betrayed the vulnerability of the situation.

Trying to keep a composed front, you guide her toward a quieter corner of the garden, away from prying eyes and murmurs. A chance to try and get answers.

"Mum, what are you doing here?" The words stumbled out of your mouth, a mixture of surprise and concern.

Her response was soft, tinged with a touch of sadness. "I heard about the celebration and thought I'd drop by to let you know I care. I didn't mean to intrude."

You couldn't discern the full extent of her intentions, whether it was a genuine gesture or an attempt to revisit a past she had left behind. Caught between protecting your dad’s invitation and acknowledging Mum's unexpected visit, you struggled to find the right words.

"It's complicated, Mum. Dad's really happy tonight at getting to celebrate me being back here and I don't know if this is the right time for us to have this conversation." Your voice wavered as you grappled with the situation.

She nodded understandingly, her eyes conveying a depth of emotions left unspoken. With a silent acknowledgment, she turned to leave before stopping and looking at you again.

“You seem a lot happier here… it makes me happy”

“Yeh.. guess I am” you shrug in response.

She nods before turning around and heading back inside. You watch her go before slumping into one of the chairs in your backyard and rubbing your hands over your face.

“You alrig” a low, baritone voice floods through the quiet air.

You blink up in surprise as you take in Joel. He’s stood close to you, dark slacks with a black button up shirt on which makes him look like the devil sent from God to test all your resolve. You take a deep breath before responding to him.

“Yeh I’m fine… mum is here.”

You watch him tilt his head in acknowledgment before he sits down in the chair next to yours.

“Are you.. ok with that?”he asks awkwardly, scratching the back of his head.

“I dunno” you reply, throwing your hands in the air. “We didn’t leave on the best of terms and now she’s here trying to be all nice.”

Your words hang in the air before you feel his hand gripping yours tightly.

“Doesn’t matter what happens, I’m still here for you” he murmurs gently.

You cling to his hand like a lifeline, letting the warm and calloused feel of his hands ground you and make your racing heart slow down.

“You ever wonder what will happen to us?” You ask, half jokingly.

“All the time” his voice replies seriously, his dark eyes staring at you intently.

You spend the next few seconds staring at each other before your attention is dragged to your dad walking out the house towards you.

“Joel” he says, dipping his head in greeting.

“Hey kiddo, your mum wants to talk to talk to us both if you’re up for it.”

You gulp before flicking towards Joel. The look on his face is unreadable so you look back to your dad.

“Do you know what it’s about?”

“Think it’s best if she tells you” he replies.

You glance over at Joel who doesn’t look too pleased before standing up and going to make your way inside. Before you can realise though, Joel is at your side about to follow you.

“No need for you to come in Joel, chill outside whilst you can” your dad says, smiling gently.

You watch Joel clench his hands before sitting back down without a word. You give him a quick glance before following your dad inside. You come across your mum and she’s got that false smile across her face that you’ve come to hate.

“Hey sweetheart”

“Don’t call me that” you bluntly reply.

You notice how she glances at your dad for backup.

“So you’ll be graduating soon but I..me and your dad think it’ll be good for you to come back to New York beforehand to get settled again” she’s presses on.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me” you snort in response.

“Don’t use that language with me.”

“I’ll use whatever language I like. You kicked me out and now I’m actually happy for the first time in god knows how long, you want to drag me back to misery” you shout out.

“Christ, don’t be so dramatic!” Your mum throws back at you.

“No! You don’t know what it’s been like for me! Living with you *there*! I’m happy here. I have friends. I have..” your voice trails off as you think of Joel. You can’t let them know about what you’ve been up to with him but something in your subconscious is telling you to shout about how you feel for him. You push it down.

Both your parents go to say something but you don’t give them the chance before you’re storming out to the garden again. You spot Joel sat in the same chair, playing with the label on his empty beer bottle.

“Can we go?” You demand.

“Ermm.. yeh, ok” he stutters out in surprise at your abrupt appearance

You reach out your hand and grab his, pulling him up and half dragging him after you. Once you’re out your back gate, Joel loops his arm around your shoulder and walks you down the street towards his house.

********

You don’t say anything even when you’re sat on Joel’s sofa. Your hands are shaking from anger.

“You wanna talk about it?” His gruff voice asks.

You let out a low laugh. “My mum wants me to move back to New York sooner rather than later.”

You watch his eyebrows rise up and his eyes widen but he doesn’t say anything.

“Do you really have nothing to say for that? Do you not care if I leave?” You shout out in frustration.

“You know it’s not that easy” he tries to reason.

“Really? I think it’s fucking easy, you either want me to stay or you don’t” you challenge.

“This isn’t some movie” he throws back at you.

“Oh I’m so sorry. I thought this meant something to you” you say sarcastically.

“You think this means nothing to me?” He says it so softly and calmly that it stops you in your tracks.

You freeze on the sofa and blink up at him through your lashes. You go to reach for him but he takes a step back.

“You really think all of this was what? Some quick fuck for me?” He demands, his voice quivering with unconcealed anger.

“I don’t know what to think Joel! How could I?!” You throw back at him.

The furrow between his eyebrows deepens further and he turns and walks away from you.

This is it.. you think. He’s had enough of you and all your drama. Your sadness turns to confusion as you watch him march towards the kitchen and pick up his wallet that’s been lying on the counter.

He turns and walks back to you. Before you can say anything, he fumbles with it before pulling out a folded piece of paper.

“Don’t ever question my feelings again” he says with such a firm tone that it makes you want to sit up straight.

You pick up the paper that he slammed down in front of you and realise it’s the drawing you created of him despite your best efforts.

Your drawing of him. The one you thought was missing. The one you never wanted anyone to see because you knew what it meant. Joel had it all this time. Joel kept it safe.

Chapter Text

“Joel look at me” you say softly, the paper still clutched in your hand.

When he continues to stare at the floor, you take a few slow steps towards him.

“Look at me” you urge, your free hand coming up to cup his cheek. His stubble tickles your palm as you gently caress over it.

He finally drags his eyes up to focus on your own. 99% of the time, you struggle to know what Joel is thinking. He shuts himself off so easily and pulls a shutter down over whatever he’s feeling or thinking. But right now, as you gaze into those familiar soft brown eyes, it’s like you can see every emotion reflect out of them. The uncertainty, the sadness, the anger and one other thing that you can’t quite put a finger on. But you see it all.. and right now all you want to do is wipe away any negative feeling inside of him. You’d never taken much time to consider it but it’s like something clicks inside your head. This strong, capable man who has been through so much in his life, hasn’t had the simple feeling of someone taking care of him for so long. Ever since you ended up back in town, he’d always been there.. a constant presence in your life, watching out for you and trying to make sure you were ok. Sure, he’d fucked up some of that along the way but Jesus, you hadn’t made things easy for him. You’re overcome with the fierce need to be the one to protect him, be the one to make him feel better, be the one to not have him think about others.

“I’m sorry” you whisper, keeping eye contact despite how much you want to look anywhere else right now.

You watch his eyebrows raise and his eyes search for something in yours but he stays quiet, waiting for you to continue.

“It wasn’t fair for me to put all this bullshit with my family on you.. it’s not your fault and it’s not your problem. I shouldn’t have just demanded some kind of ultimatum from you..” your voice trails off.

You watch him go to say something back but you stop him before he can do so. Instead you take his hand and start leading him up the stairs towards his bedroom.

***********

The room is dark. The blinds are half closed, allowing a small sliver of light onto the bed. You walk round the side of the bed and place the picture in your hand onto the bedside drawer before turning back around to watch Joel stand by the door, arms crossed across his broad chest. You smile gently at him before walking back over, taking his hand again and guide him to the end of the bed. He does so reluctantly. It’s not often you’ve been in a situation where you’re the one standing above him and you enjoy the novelty of it for a moment as you stand in between his parted thighs, his neck leaning back to look up at you. God you want to bite that neck..

“What are you doing?” His gruff voice finally breaks the silence.

“Takin’ care of you” you reply simply.

You see the look of confusion cross his face before you take his face in your hands and lean down and press a soft kiss to his lips. You feel the hesitation from his mouth for a split second before he’s pressing back against you. You stay like that for a few minutes, the kiss is soft and gentle, you briefly think how you don’t do this normally. You’re both usually too eager to tear each other’s clothes off whenever you get time alone. But this is different, you wonder if it feels different to him too. You thread your fingers through his curls as you deepen the kiss. Your tongue traces his plush bottom lip before his mouth opens to let you in. You feel his hands grab your ass and pull you closer to him which drags a soft groan from you. Jumping on the distraction he’s given you, you feel his strong hands lift you up onto his lap so you’re straddling him with your legs wrapped around his waist. You loop your arms around his neck whilst he pulls you closer to his chest. He kisses you with such a fierceness that it feels like his mouth is searing against your own. You both break away after a few minutes, both catching your breath despite your reluctance to be apart from him right now for even a second. With shaky hands you reach out and start to unbutton his shirt, with each button gone you press a kiss to the exposed skin which has him groaning against you. You feel him getting harder underneath you and you grind down experimentally against him. You rock gently back and forth against him which has just enough friction to make the need between your legs grow.

“Lie back on the bed” you try to say as firmly as possible but it comes out breathless as you finish off the buttons of his shirt and remove it.

“But baby I -“

“Please” you say as sincerely as possible.

He does as you ask and shuffles back on the bed before propping himself up on his elbows so he can continue to look at you. You survey him from the end of the bed, how the golden hue of his skin glows under the light coming in from outside, how his eyes look so dark that they look like galaxies full of longing and desperation. God I love him, you think you to yourself. That single thought has you freezing in your tracks.

“Are you ok?” His low voice asks, his hand reaching out towards you.

You mentally shake yourself before climbing onto the bed towards him. You give him a chaste kiss which he tries to continue before you’re kissing a path down his chest, down his stomach towards the band of his trousers. When your fingers start to fumble with the button and the zip, you watch him thrust slightly up to meet your touch. You want to draw this out longer but you can’t help yourself, you need to feel him in every way possible. You pull down his zip fully and pull at the top of his trousers. He seems to get the message because he lifts his hips of the bed and allows you to pull them the rest of the way down. Once you’ve thrown them to the floor, you sit back up and nearly groan at the site of him hard and ready in his boxers for you. You’ve never been religious but right now you’d worship at the alter of Joel if given the chance. You move up his body so you can kiss him once more whilst your hand squeezes his aching cock. When he moans into your mouth, you can’t help a small smile breaking out. You kiss him once more before moving down to kneel between his legs.

“Let me take off your clothes, need to feel you” he pleads.

You shake your head before pulling his boxers down and let them join the trousers. His dick springs up against his stomach and the reddened tip has you salivating. You lean down and take it into your mouth which has Joel jerking up involuntarily. You slowly circle your tongue around his tip and a strangled moan rips from his throat in response.

“Fuck.. don… don’t stop.. please” he gasps out as his fingers grip your hair.

You continue paying attention to the sensitive head before taking it deeper into your mouth. You drag your tongue up the underside of his cock which makes him shudder before you continue pumping him with your mouth and hand. When your free hand starts to play with his balls, he jerks sharply under you with a loud moan.

“Fuck baby girl, not gonna last if you keep going that.”

“Good, want you to cum in my mouth” you mumble against him.

“No.. need to..” he grunts out before abruptly sitting up and pulling you over him.

With a ridiculous ease, he flips you over so you’re under him and you watch him gaze down at you. You feel your heart pounding as you look up at him, the look in his eyes has you gulping.

“Fuck… the things you make me feel…” he whispers, his forehead resting against yours. “Wasn’t goin’ to last with your mouth on me like that.”

You hum in acknowledgment before pressing your hands to the warm skin of his chest. You watch him take a deep breath before reaching for one of your hands and pressing a soft kiss to your palm.

“Need you inside me” you pant out, pulling your shirt over your head before bending down to tear your trousers and panties off as quickly as you can.

You watch him stare at you intently before reaching over to the bedside draw and pull out a condom. You watch him tear the foil open before reaching out a hand to stop him. He looks confused but you take it in your hand and roll it down the length of him which makes him shudder.

“Make lo… fuck me, please” you beg.

He obliges despite your near slip up and slides into you slowly so you can feel every inch of him. You try to bite back the moan that is threatening to escape your lips but it comes out as a soft whimper as he fills you up. He stays like that, allowing you to adjust as you’re connected in the most intimate of ways. Once he’s satisfied that you’re ready, he starts to slowly thrust into you. He hits a spot inside of you that your fingers or a toy will never hit quite right and it has you moaning and squirming under him.

“Shhh… shhh… it’s ok, I’ve got you” he soothes, his mouth puffing out soft air against the shell of your ear.

“Joel please”. You don’t know what you’re asking for but you can’t stop yourself from saying it.

“I know baby, I know… gonna give you what you need” he pants.

He clenches you tighter to him as he thrusts into you, almost like he’s afraid to let you go. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever felt before and you don’t want the feeling to end.

“Joel… I need you to know-“

You’re cut off by Joel thrusting into you and grinding his hips against yours. It has you sucking in a breath. One of his hands grips your hip so tight you think it’ll leave bruises whilst his over arms rests against your head.

“You’re so perfect” he mutters.

“Joel -“

He cuts you off with a hard kiss to your lips. He keeps hitting that spot inside you before reaching down to press his thumb against your clit which sends you spiralling. Before you can stop it, your orgasm is heading full force towards you. When he whispers in your ear: “cum for me baby”, it’s enough to push you over the edge with a loud moan of his name.

He continues to push into you and gently touch your sensitive bundle of nerves to guide you through your climax. When you collapse with a groan, he picks up his pace, chasing his own high. He grips both your hips with his fingers and lifts your still shaking legs around his own hips to continue slamming into you. After a few more minutes he grinds hard against you before you feel his hard cock jerking inside you followed by a rough, low groan of his own.

You lie like that together for a while, neither wanting to move. You’re both trying to suck in air whilst your sweaty bodies stick together (not that you mind in the slightest). Somehow you end up tucked up against Joel, you’re not sure how you got that way as you’ve been too blissed out.

You lie there in comfortable silence, his fingers playing with your hair whilst your own trail over his chest delicately. You can feel your eyes dropping but you don’t want to fall asleep yet.

“‘M happy I’m here with you” you whisper, not wanting to break the bubble the two of you are in.

“Me too” he admits softly, his fingers trailing over your shoulder gently.

You allow his fingers to continue tracing over your body which pulls you towards sleep. You think you’re asleep when you hear words spoken so softly that you’re not sure if they’re a part of your dream or not.

“I want it to be my problem… whatever happens to you, happens to me… I -“

The words fade into your dreams like a swirl in water.

********

“Hey” a rough voice breaks through your sleep.

You blink your eyes slowly, still slightly glued together when you feel a warm hand brush against your cheek. Joel is smiling softly at you and it makes you want to bury your face in his neck and go back to sleep.

“What time is it?” You grumble, your voice still thick with sleep.

“‘S not too late, just gone midnight.”

“Good, we can go back to sleep then” you say, nuzzling back into the warm heat of his body.

His arms wrap around you lightly before he talks again.

“You know I want you to stay here but I think you should go back home darlin’”.

“Whyyy” you whine back, burrowing your face further into his side.

“‘Cause your parents will be wondering where you are” he says, gently pulling you away from his side. “Don’t give me that face, it’s already killin’ me to be even saying this” he grumbles when he sees you pouting at him.

“Fine. I’m going.” You shift yourself out of bed and start collecting your clothes.

You glance over at Joel who is still stretched out in bed looking like a Greek Adonis, a small smirk pulling at his mouth and his hair looking throughly like he’s just been fucked. Fuck he looks so good that you’re half wondering what you did in a past life to get something this good for once. Once you’re fully dressed, you walk round the side of the bed and kiss Joel once last time but when you go to pull back, he grasps your hand firmly in his.

“Don’t worry about your parents… I’ll talk to ‘em”.

“Don’t know if that’s such a good idea..” you reply, trying to grin but know it’s probably coming out more as a grimace.

“If it’ll make you feel better than I’ll do it.” He says in a serious tone that has your heart clenching. “I just want to make sure you’re happy.”

“I.. I love that you’d do that for me but don’t you think we have bigger issues?” You probe.

“Sure” he shrugs. “But we’ll fix those too. Just trust me?”

So you nod without hesitation. Because you do trust Joel. You trust him more than anyone else you’ve ever met before in your life.. you just hope that you don’t end up regretting it.

Chapter Text

When you’re at the front door of Joel’s house, ready to reluctantly leave, you can feel the internal struggle of all the emotions of the night bubbling up inside you. He’s looking down at you so softly, affection and softness reflecting in his eyes, that you’re half tempted to just push him back inside and make him take you back to his bed. Instead you kiss him, leaving all the unspoken things you want to say on your lips that are pressed gently to his. You feel his hands cup your face before you’re pulling away slightly.

“You were right” you whisper against his mouth.

Confusion crosses his features. “About what?”

“We will fix all this.. i can’t let you go yet” you reply, your body melting against his.

You watch as a soft smile tugs at the corner of his lips before he’s pressing another kiss to your forehead. You both finally let each other go before you’re making your way back to your house and just like that, you’re back to feeling helpless at what you’re going to have to deal with when you return there.

**********

The moon behind the familiar silhouette of your childhood home is casting a glow against you as you made your way up the worn path, each step heavy with a mix of apprehension and determination. The warm light pouring from the windows made the house look inviting, but you felt anything but welcome.

Pushing open the door, you were met with a rush of memories on coming back to this house when you were just a little girl and you knew both your mum and dad were waiting for you. Yet right now, those memories were overshadowed by the weight of the impending confrontation.

"Mum? Dad?" Your voice echoed through the house, but there was no response.

You’re not sure what to expect when you got home but being met with darkness and silence certainly wasn’t top of your list. You’re not complaining though, it gives you time to think things through and not be ambushed with questions about your future. As soon as you’re in bed, you immediately feel that need for Joel despite having only been with him minutes ago. You furrow your eyebrows whilst you stare up at the ceiling, trying to pinpoint when this constant need for him had rooted itself deep inside you. It’s when you replay the last couple months through your head that your face relaxed and you’re smiling to yourself. Everything he’s done has contributed to this feeling, the feeling that gives you butterflies and makes you grin like a lovestruck teenager. You love him… you do and it hits you like a tonne of bricks. Finally admitting it to yourself has you both floating but anxious. You were now certain on your own feelings and as much as you suspected (or hoped) that his were the same, you couldn’t be certain. You end up wresting with that thought process long into the early hours of the morning, sleep refusing to pull you under. When your mind finally allows you some respite, you make a mental note to bring this up to Joel no matter the consequences. You can’t keep living like this, not defining what this situation is between the two of you. Even if it leaves you with a broken heart, at least you’ll know where you stand.

*************

You wake up bleary eyed the next day, your body begging you to keep sleeping whilst your mind was already spinning and dragging you out of your slumber. You swing yourself out of bed, rubbing your hands against your eyes before standing up and stretching.

You make your way downstairs and are surprised to see both your parents sat at the dining table having breakfast. It almost feels like an out of body experience that takes you back to your childhood.

"Morning…” Your voice echoed through the room, a tension in the air as palpable as the anxiety twisting in your gut. "We need to talk," you say, your voice surprisingly steady despite the storm of emotions raging within yourself.

Their expressions showed a mix of surprise and wariness, probably not expecting you to come in all guns blazing. "I know what you've been discussing," you continued, trying to maintain composure. "Sending me back to New York to finish college even before I’m ready to do so.”

Their silence hung in the air, heavy and charged. Finally, your mum spoke, her voice gentle yet firm. "We just want what's best for you, honey. New York offers opportunities and you’ve given so much there—".

"But what about what I want?" Your frustration bubbles up, threatening to spill over as you rub your eyes with the palms of your hands. "I've started to build a life here, made friends, found my passion for drawing again which I thought I’d lost. Why can't you support that?"

Your dad jumps in, his tone measured. "We understand, but sometimes as parents, we see things differently. We want you to have the best life, the best future."

You take a deep breath, trying to gather your thoughts amidst your growing anger and frustration. "The best future won't mean much if I'm not happy, if I'm not doing things how I want to. Please, try to understand."

A tense silence filled the room, the seconds stretching into an eternity. Then, slowly, your parents exchanged a glance, a silent conversation passing between them. Finally, your mum spoke, her voice softer now. "We'll consider what you're saying. We just want you to be happy."

Relief flooded through you, mingled with a lingering tension. The conversation wasn't over, but at least there was a glimmer of hope—a chance for them to let you stay here longer.. a chance for you to be with Joel that much longer.

Leaving the room, you couldn't shake off the weight of the unresolved discussion, but a seed of optimism sprouted within you. Maybe, just maybe, they would let you have your way for once.

When you’re back in your room, you check your phone and feel your heart drop slightly when you see there are no new messages from Joel. You thought he’d at least check in on you after what had happened last night. So instead, you swallow your pride and message him.

*talked to my parents, they might be coming around to what I’m saying*

*that’s good*

His response makes you frown slightly, sure you weren’t expecting him to be over the top with his response as he sometimes has the emotional capabilities of a wooden spoon but you still thought he’d be more happy for you. It was only last night he was telling you that he wanted you to be happy and for things to work out.

You hastily type out another message, trying to fish a bit more of a response from him.

*how about I come over later?We can toast to my potential longer term stay*

You subconsciously start chewing on your lower lip out of nervousness. You don’t know why you’re nervous but there’s just something in your gut that’s telling you something isn’t quite right. Several anxious minutes later, your phone buzzes.

*I can’t later, something’s come up*

That’s it. That’s the message. No explanation on what’s come up and you already feel like you’ve had to drag that out of him so you drop your phone in defeat.

A soft knock on your door drags your attention back to reality.

“Hey, am I ok to come in? Your mum’s voice asks gently.

“Yeh sure” you mumble, sitting down on your bed and crossing your legs underneath you.

You watch as your mum enters and drags her eyes around your room, you don’t miss the nostalgia that fills them. She sits at the edge of your bed and smiles at you.

“I remember how excited you were when we decorated this room for you” her voice waivers slightly. “You were so excited to have it exactly like you wanted.”

You nod in acknowledgment but don’t say anything.

“Been a long time since then I guess” her voice trails off.

“Yeh it has” you reply bluntly but wince when you hear how it comes out.

“I’ve always wanted what was best for you… I hope you know that.”

You try to smile in response but know it comes out in a grimace because despite her best efforts, it wasn’t enough for you. Too much damage has been done already and you weren’t ready to just give a free pass to either of your parents for what they had done. Frankly you’re feeling overwhelmed with too many conflicting emotions and all you want is Joel but he’s not going to be here any time soon.
He’s the only one that can ground you, forget all the bad emotions and make you feel treasured. As if she can read your mind, your mum hits you with a question that is far too perceptive.

“So you and Joel seemed to be getting on quite well.”

You swallow down your instinct to defend yourself and try to act casual. So you shrug in response.

“Yeh, he’s been around a lot with dad.”

“Um-hm… and when you left with him last night?” She says, her eyebrow raised.

You don’t have a response to that and instead lower your eyes to floor.

“I’m not completely blind, I was still keeping an eye on you” she says in a haughty voice. She sighs before continuing talking. “Look, I get it. He helped me out a lot when I was having trouble with your dad. I know how he can make people feel better so I can imagine it’s been nice for you having another adult figure in your life.”

You inwardly wince at that. If only she really knew what the two of you had been getting up to. For some reason though, her telling you that he helped her during her rough times rubs you up the wrong way. Was he just doing it out of some white knight kind of way? Maybe you’d misread the signals and that’s all he was doing for you.

“I’m going to be leaving soon… thought we could have a game night tonight. You know? Me and your dad and you? Just like old times?” She says, moving the conversation to a different topic.

You groan but agree, not like you have anything better to do now Joel is going to be MIA.

**********

You’re halfway through a game of Clue when you glance at your phone for the hundredth time since you started playing this stupid game with your parents. Still nothing from Joel since that last vague text. Your mind really isn’t in this game but luckily your parents seem to be enjoying it and haven’t noticed your inner turmoil. Ironically they’re better at trying to figure out which room Colonel Mustard was murdered in with the lead pipe than why you’ve barely said a word all night and keep picking up and dropping your phone.

Go figure!

At the end of the first game, you head to the kitchen to get another drink and some air. You stand by the sink, the spray from the tap catching you every so often. That feeling of anxiety is gnawing away inside of you wondering where Joel might be. Would it be pathetic if you messaged him again? You shake your head in answer to yourself, you’re not going to be some clingy woman who can’t go a day without talking to the guy you’re seeing.. well maybe seeing. You fill a glass with water before heading back to the living room. As you push the door open, you catch the end of your parent’s conversation.

“That’s a shame” you hear your mum say before your dad hums in agreement.

“What’s a shame?” You ask, placing your glass on the table and taking your seat.

“Just talking about Joel” your dad replies, setting the board back up for another round.

Your heart picks up but you try and fein indifference before asking “what about Joel?”

You can feel your mum’s eyes on you so you focus your eyes on your dad.

“He was going to come over tonight. Invited him round last night but he just text to say he’s had to head out of town.”

The words you’re about to ask die on your tongue when you realise your mum is still looking at you. So instead you settle for a shrug. “Yeh guess that is a shame” you mutter.

You manage to grit your teeth and force yourself to stay sitting to play the rest of this stupid game but your mind is thinking of nothing but Joel and why he had to leave town. Why didn’t he tell you he was going? If he could tell your dad then why hadn’t he told you? You’re angry at him but it doesn’t stop the worry from setting in still. You realise you’re biting your nails, a habit you hadn’t done since you were younger.

“Well that was fun!” Your dad exclaims, slapping his palms on his thighs as he stands up. His grin showing just how much he enjoyed winning both games.

“I remember now why I stopped playing these things with you, I never win” your mum grumbles, carefully packing the board and pieces up.

“You normally give me a better challenge, kiddo” your dad chuckles, ruffling your hair which has you rolling your eyes.

“Guess I just wasn’t on my A game tonight” you reply brightly. As much as you want to bolt out the room and go to your room to message Joel again, you can’t bring yourself to be a complete asshole when your dad is this giddy. It’s fleeting moments like this when you’re reminded of your dad when you were a “happy” family and his excitement at the small things in life was comparable to that of an excitable puppy.

“I’m sure you’ll get me next time.”

You and your mum both nod at him before you stand up, faking a yawn.

“You guys mind if I head to bed? I’m still tired after the party last night.”

“Don’t forget, I leave for the airport tomorrow so I’ll be popping back here before I go” your mum reminds you, pulling you into a hug.

“See you tomorrow” you hug her awkwardly back before giving your dad one.

Once safely back in your room, you shut off all the lights as you cocoon yourself under the blankets. Your thumb is hovering over the keyboard of your phone as you deliberate what to send Joel. You typed out several messages before deciding to delete them for sounding too desperate or pathetic. So instead you settle on something neutral.

*how was your day?*

Whilst you wait for a response, you scroll through your phone hoping for any kind of distraction. Just waiting for that familiar ping to sound. After 30 minutes pass and you still have no answer, you turn on the lamp by your bed and pick up a book. Yet after re-reading the same page about five times, you know it’s no good. You just want to know he’s ok, that’s not so bad right? He does the same when he knows you’re out somewhere. So before you can talk yourself out of it, you’re hitting the call button. It rings for 30 seconds before going to voicemail. Frustration makes you call a second time. It starts ringing again before cutting to voicemail after 10 seconds.

Chapter Text

It’s been a long time since you felt this lonely. Loneliness is a tortuous feeling. It can creep up slowly or strike so suddenly that it can bring anyone to their knees. It can feel different every time, like a numbness soaking into your bones or a tight fist clenching around your heart so firmly that every breath is a challenge. When you remember to take a deep breath to ease some of that tension, the relief is only temporary before the anxiety takes a stranglehold again. You hate it and you had forgotten just how much you hated it. The naive people of the world.. or the lucky ones you suppose, think that a person can’t be lonely if they’re surrounded by other people, by noise, by interactions. Yet whether it was the truth or the cynicism of having grown up the way you had, you knew better. The scream of loneliness can drown the sounds of even the most crowded of rooms. You’d perfected the art of a fake smile or being able to nod in the all the right places of a conversation when you were at school or with your mum or with your friends in New York. No one knew or didn’t care to ask why your eyes always had that distant, unfocused glaze to them and you stopped caring after a while. You had simply learnt to coexist with that never ending cavernous feeling of pure loneliness. That was until that grumpy, brooding man who didn’t like to show others his smile had stepped back into your life. He had silenced those shouts of loneliness that had always threatened to drag you down into its darkness like a sirens call. Silenced it with a small smile that he was almost reluctant to give, that made the corners of his eyes crinkle and the dark hue of his eyes lighten to toasted honeycomb. Silenced it with a soft kiss pressed to your mouth that promised his time and willingness to listen to you and care for you in the ways he knew how. Silenced it with every caress of your face and the feeling of pushing into your tight heat to connect the two of you in the most primal of ways that made you want to give him every sharp edge of your broken heart: wanting the shards to pierce him and take root in a way that would mean he would always carry a piece of you with him no matter what happened.

On day 5 of radio silence from Joel, you finally find the energy to drag yourself out of your pity party long enough to shower for the first time. You knew it wasn’t the healthiest of things but quickly frankly you didn’t give a fuck. You just felt numb now. You’d gone through the stages of worry which turned to sadness, confusion and anger. You just couldn’t understand why Joel had disappeared so suddenly and why he wasn’t answering your calls. He couldn’t even be bothered to send you a quick message to say he wouldn’t be able to talk for whatever reason. So now you’re just numb, not allowing yourself to feel anything. It was easier that way… or so you’ll keep telling yourself as you grimace at the reflection of yourself in the bathroom mirror and see how much of a mess you look. The reasonable part of your brain tells you that you’re over-reacting, he’s a grown ass man who can come and go as he pleases and he’s probably fine. You don’t have any claim on Joel.. not really.. not like you wish. He doesn’t owe you anything but after the last night you spent with him in bed, him asking you to trust him that he’d help make things right, you’d believed him. Your childhood abandonment issues have been running the show in your brain though and that doesn’t just change overnight after a few kisses, a good fuck and some empty promises. With a defeated sigh, you reach into the shower and turn the handle. You wait a few minutes for the water to heat up before stepping under the hot water. You stand under the spray with your eyes squeezed shut as you allow the water to wash away all your feelings from the last few days and it does make you feel a tiny bit better. You grab your bottle of shampoo, pour some into your hands and lather it up on your scalp. Your fingers work to detangle the birds nest that has become your hair recently and you eventually manage to get all the knots out, your hair now a sheet plastered against your back. You finish scrubbing your body and blindly reach for your towel which is hung up next to the shower door. Wrapping it tightly around your body, you go over to the mirror again, rubbing your fingers against the steamed up glass to look at yourself. You look back at yourself, raise your chin determinedly and straighten your back.

“No more pity party”. you whisper to no one.

***********
*free to go get coffee today?*

*Sure! What time?*

*pick me up at 12?*

*sounds good, see you soon*

You needed to get out of your house and have a change of scenery before you went crazy. Lucky you for, Charlotte was the perfect person to take your mind off everything, the perfect bubbly persona to drag your sullen ass out of your funk. After your shower this morning, you’d made the effort to put on clothes that weren’t elasticated and it made you feel like a new woman. You’re half surprised your mattress hasn’t formed a full body impression of yourself after rotting in it for 5 days, mostly staring at the ceiling. You’d had limited interaction with anyone apart from your dad and even he wasn’t his usual positive self since your mum went back to New York. You felt guilty that you’d mostly avoided him but you just hadn’t had the energy to talk to anyone.. apart from Joel. You shake your head to yourself in irritation. You are not going to think about him today.

A soft knock on the front door pulls your attention away from dwelling on things. You smile for the first time in days when you open the door to your friend who is beaming at you in return.

“Let’s go!” She says happily, linking her arm through yours and pulling you towards her car.

This is what you need, you think to yourself as you slide into the passenger seat and close the door.

“So how’s things with you? Not heard from you recently”, Charlotte asks, her eyes briefly glancing over to you before concentrating back on the road.

“Things have been… ok” you reply with a grimace.

“Liar” she replies, not even having to look at you to know you’re hiding something.

“Coffee first, then we can talk”, you mutter, staring out the window to look at nothing in particular.

*********

“Wow… that’s just.. wow” charlotte says, taking a gulp of her iced coffee whilst staring at you with big eyes.

“Yup.”

You had just told her all about your parents wanting you to go back to New York which was a bomb but you had followed it up by telling her everything about the Joel drama from start to finish. You did admittedly feel a bit like a weight had been lifted being able to talk about the whole shitty situation.

“Ok so let’s start with the New York issue. Are you going back?” She asks tentatively.

You shrug before replying. “I don’t know.. it’s all kind of up in the air. I didn’t want to and then Joel said he’d help my parents see reason with it all and not push me to go but then now he’s gone MIA” you blurt out, scowling at the cup of coffee in your hands.

She hums in acknowledgment, allowing you to continue. “It’s just.. I don’t know. I knew I didn’t want to go back regardless even if this thing with Joel was going on or not but it did make everything more complicated. I just don’t know what he’s playing at by disappearing and ghosting me.”

“You don’t think he’s avoiding you do you?” She asks, arching an eyebrow at you.

“I don’t know.. he has no reason to avoid me surely. I keep thinking something must have gone wrong but then I would have thought he would have told me if that was the case. Why would he want to avoid me”.

“Because all men were once boys and some are more stupid than others”, she says wryly. “All I’m saying is, maybe he got scared? Or maybe he’s trying to protect you in a really stupid fucking way”.

You stare at her, mulling over her words in your head trying to find some truth or answers in what she’s saying. It just makes you feel more exhausted. You also make a mental note to ask your bestie what her relationship past is like considering she is always quite cutting when it comes to the male species.

“I know it sounds cliché but if things are meant to be, then the world has a mysterious way of working” she says gently, rescuing out to hold your hand. “You’re a bad ass bitch and you don’t need to be worrying about the intentions of any man.. even if he is hot for an old guy” she smirks, giving your hand a squeeze before pulling away.

You snort at her, eyes rolling playfully but it’s what you needed to hear. She was a damn good friend.

“So anyway, enough about all the drama in your life. You need a good distraction and I’m not going to take no for an answer.”

“What did you have in mind?” You ask with a small smile playing on your lips.

“There’s a new cocktail bar that’s opened up downtown. There’s live music, happy hour, tapas”.

You hesitate for a moment before agreeing with as much enthusiasm as you can muster. You don’t think you can spend another night alone in your bedroom staring at your phone.

The two of you finish off your drinks before leaving the cafe, arms linked and easy conversation passing between the two of you. You make your way through the busy streets that are starting to get more lively in the mid afternoon heat. You’re surprised to find you’re enjoying the atmosphere of a buzzing crowd around you as Charlotte leads the both of you towards the bar. You glance around the busy restaurants lining the street and feel a bit of pang at seeing happy couples and families enjoying themselves though. A sad thought that you and Joel would probably never get to go out in public to places like these crosses your mind but you don’t let it linger.

*********

You push open the door to the cocktail bar. It takes a moment for your eyes to adjust from the bright Texan sun to the dim lighting inside but you can’t stop from smiling as you take in the room. Tables lined the outer parameter of the room whilst there was a large space towards the back of the space to allow people to dance. Low, pulsating music plays in the background which is just quiet enough to allow people to talk without having to shout. You loved it. As you and charlotte find a spot at the bar, you watch her lean over and give you a mischievous smile.

“We’re going to drink, dance, forget about real life and not give a fuck about anything.”

“I can cheers to that” you reply, clinking your shot glass against hers before throwing it back.

The alcohol burns down your throat, making you grimace before it warms your belly, relaxing you.

The rest of the afternoon passes quickly as you knock back drinks and laugh freely with your friend. You feel relaxed and at ease and it feels liberating as hell.

“Oh my god! This is my song!” Charlotte squeals excitedly, grabbing your hand. “Let’s dance!”

She drags you on to the dance floor which has you struggling to not trip up after her with the amount of enthusiasm she’s showing. The two of you can’t help giggling as you twirl each other around out of best to the music but not giving a damn. After a few more songs, you both collapse back at your table in a sweaty mess but not being able to get rid of the smiles plastered over both your faces.

“You’re a good friend Char.. thank you for dragging me here. I needed it.”

She waves her hand at you playfully but she looks pleased. “Bad bitches got to stick together” she grins, blowing a stray strand of hair out of her eyes.

“God I don’t want to go home tonight” you groan. “It feels too good pretending everything is fine”.

“Stay at mine if you want.”

“Thanks but if I don’t go home then my dad will probably think I’ve died after how I’ve been the past few days” you say, slurping the dregs of your drink through a straw.

She nods before letting out a dramatic sigh. “I did not think this through.. I’m in no state to drive home. Mind if we get an Uber together?”

“Sure, I’ll order one now.”

*********

The driver drops Charlotte off at hers first. She stumbles out the door with a laugh before looking back at you.

“Call me if you need anything and don’t think about him” she says seriously.

You shake your head in amusement but promise her you will. She seems satisfied with that, closing the door with a wave but walking in an unsteady line up to her door. The rest of the drive is quiet, the sun having set and the roads lit by street lights giving the night a warm glow which has your eyes dropping unintentionally.

You jerk your head up just as the driver pulls up outside your house. God you felt like your body weighed a tonne now that everything has caught up to you and your alcohol buzz was starting to wear off. You get out the car and make your way up to the front door. You fumble with your keys before cursing when you drop them. With a small groan, you bend down to pick them up. You’re about to slot the key in the lock when you swallow and turn around to look down the street. You know you should just go inside and go to bed but you can’t help it, it’s become habit to look out for any sign of Joel. When you see that familiar truck parked in the drive way, it’s like a weigh drops in your stomach. Before you can even process what you’re doing, you’re marching over there without even caring if someone sees. There’s still just enough alcohol buzzing through your veins to be very pissed off without regretting it.

“Joel!” You shout angrily, pounding your hand against the door.

You wait for a moment before pounding again with all your strength.

“Joel I swear to god I’ll -“

You’re abruptly cut off from finishing that sentence when the door suddenly opens and you nearly topple through the doorway. You glare up into the familiar eyes of the man you’d quite like to strangle right now.

“Jesus do you want the whole street to hear you?” He glares back at you.

“Well at least I know you’re alive” you sneer at him sarcastically.

“You’re drunk” he mutters, no longer looking you in the eye which just pisses you off even more.

“And you’re an asshole” you throw back him, poking him hard in the chest.

He’s quicker than you expect because his hand whips up and grabs your finger in his warm hand which takes some of the sting out of you. It’s like he suddenly realises what he’s done before he quickly drops it. He crosses his arms against his chest and looks at you with an emotionless face, his jaw ticks to the side like he’s trying to hold back what he really wants to say.

“You need to go home” he says eventually.

“Look can we just talk?” You cringe at how whiny that just sounded out loud.

He studies you for a moment in silence before sighing.

“No”.

“No?”

“Go home, Kid”

Chapter Text

You’re furious. The kind of anger that makes your hands shake and your jaw clench so hard that when you finally remember to relax it slightly, you’re left with a dull ache. When you had been stood in front of him, you had tried to recognise the man that had made you so happy and felt so wanted over the last few weeks. Yet you had hardly recognised him, his face a blank canvas showing none of the warmth or affection you had grown so used to seeing. It was like he was a stranger. You’d spun on your heel so fast when Joel told you to leave that you had nearly tripped yourself over. The final frail thread of your hope that this was all a joke was cut when you heard the door shut behind you with a loud click in the quiet street. He wasn’t coming after you. He didn’t care. Whatever this thing between you was, it clearly wasn’t anything meaningful on his part despite all the signs he’d given you. So here you are, once again, in the pit that’s become your bed refusing to give in to the tears that are threatening to spill down your cheeks. You unlock your phone and scroll to the text thread between the two of you, feeling a pang in your chest when you see the messages from when things were good. With a sniff, you press confirm and delete his contact from your phone so you don’t have to see any of it anymore. You glumly think about how good you’ve become at just deleting people from your life. Out of sight, out of mind.. or so they say. You get the feeling that it’s not going to be as easy to just forget about Joel but you were going to do your damn hardest and try. With that thought in mind, you open a new tab on your phone and load up the site you’re looking for and start to scroll as the first tears finally start to fall.

************

When the first rays of sunshine break through your curtains, you’re slowly dragged out from your restless sleep. You take a moment to just lie there, your brain slowly coming awake before that tight feeling of anxiety grips you. With a groan, you rub your eyes which are slightly sore and puffy still after crying yourself to sleep. Slowly, you untangle yourself from your cocoon of blankets which you’d twisted around your body when you had tossed and turned all night. You make your way over to the mirror and your suspicions are confirmed, you look like shit. Your hair is all tangled again, dark circles frame your red-rimmed eyes. Yet when you look carefully, you catch the determined look lurking in your gaze. You’d already wasted 5 days moping, you didn’t want to waste any more. You go into the bathroom and splash your face with cold water to help with the redness before heading down the stairs to the kitchen.

“Hey Kiddo, good time out yesterday?” Your dad asks from the table, a bowl of cereal sat in front of him whilst he reads the paper.

“Yeh really good, it was nice catching up with charlotte” you reply, trying to force enthusiasm into your tone whilst you reach for the cereal yourself.

“Mmhmm that’s good” he says, not glancing up from whatever he’s reading.

You sit down across from him and start spooning cornflakes into your mouth before talking again.

“Everything good with you?” You glance over at him.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking that?” He answers with a soft chuckle.

For a moment your heart races because you’re sure he’s going to ask what’s had you moping around and avoiding him since your mum left. “Ummm why can’t I ask you?”

“I’m supposed to be the parent aren’t I?”

You force out a laugh but relax a bit. “No come on, you sure you’re alright? You’ve been a bit.. down since mum went home” you broach carefully.

With a sigh, you watch him put his paper down and look at you with a small but sad smile.

“Guess I just remembered what it was like having both you and your mum back under this roof again.. reminded me of how things used to be”.

“Have you ever thought about trying to date someone else?” You ask with a slight grimace.

He laughs at your look of discomfort and scratches his head as if in thought.

“Not sure how many women are lining up for a guy in their 40’s, divorced with a grown up kid” he muses.

You choke on your mouthful of cereal, hastily reaching for your water to gulp down. Your dad raises an eyebrow at you which you look away from because you can already feel the blood rushing to your cheeks.

“Hey, don’t sell yourself short! You’re a catch” you manage to gasp out.

“What’s with the sudden interest in my love life then?”

“I don’t know.. just with mum coming and going, I just don’t want you to be lonely” you say truthfully.

He laughs at that. “I’m not lonely, Kiddo. Promise. I’ve got you here anyway”.

You can’t bring yourself to look at him when you talk again. “But I won’t be here forever dad.. if I go back to New York then..” you let your voice trail off, not wanting to finish that sentence.

He stares back at you fondly, standing up to come stand behind you before giving your arm a gentle squeeze. “Well IF you decide to go back then of course I’ll miss having you around but you can always come stay here whenever you want” he says, before stepping back and heading to the sink.

“Besides, I’ve got my friends, I’ve got Joel who never leaves me alone. He’s been hanging around here more than you some days ” he laughs to himself.

Just the mention of that name has you staring down at your half empty bowl, appetite gone.

“Yeh guess you’re right” you say softly.

“Don’t worry about me, I’ll be just fine no matter what you do” he ruffles your hair as he goes to leave the room.

***********

With it being the weekend, your dad leaves you be whilst he potters around the house. It’s only when you’re in the middle of reading a book in the living room when you hear him call out to you from the front drive. You mark the page you’re on before heading outside, the bright sun making you squint and raise a hand above your eyes so you can see better.

“Can you grab me another sponge? Gonna wash the truck but this one is no use” your dad says, holding up the filthy one he’s got in his hand.

You give a nod before turning to go back in.

“They’re under the sink!” He shouts out to you.

You wander through to the kitchen and grab a pack of sponges and a bottle of water from the fridge.

“Hey, I think these are -“ you’re abruptly cut off from finishing your sentence when you see your dad chatting to Joel at the end of your drive. The loud crackling sound of your hand choking the water bottle tight in reaction fills the sudden silence.

“Alright Kiddo?” your dad asks, looking at you expectantly, a slight look of concern on his face.

“Yeh.. yeh fine. Here, sorry” you stutter out, handing over what he had asked for.

You brave a glance at Joel who is looking equally as awkward as you, staring determinedly at the ground whilst his boot kicks at the gravel. The petty part of you would love to through a rock at his dumb head right now but you hold back the temptation. It never helps though just how good he looks all the time, it twists in your heart. You notice how his hair is damp, curling at the ends. In a better time (and alone), you’d be happily running your fingers through it right now until he pulled you into his strong arms to kiss you slowly.

You’re dragged from your thoughts when he finally looks up and just for a second, stares you right in the eye before quickly glancing away again.

“Better get going, got a lot to be getting on with” he says gruffly, looking at your dad now.

“No worries bud, know how it is. Say, you free tonight? Wanna come over for dinner?”

You could kill your dad right now but despite how much you want to glare at him, you manage to keep your face blank.

Please say no, please say no, please say no, your head is screaming.

“I don’t think -“

“Oh come on! You’ve not been around properly in over a week. Going to think you’re avoiding me soon” your dad jokes, completely oblivious to the building tension that’s filling the air. “You can catch us up on where you disappeared to”.

Joel clears his throat and glances at you again. You’re doing your best to avoid looking in his direction.

“Sure.. I’ll drop round later” he mutters, shoving his hands into his pockets before nodding at your dad, says a quiet goodbye to you and turns on his heel and walks back to his truck.

***********

Most people who know you think that you don’t really feel emotions. Or if you did, they think all you can feel is anger and resentment. Never good feelings. That’s because people don’t know you well enough, or more like you always build up walls so people don’t see you feeling anything other than rage. In reality though, you feel everything. You feel everything so intensely that you feel like you’re drowning in it sometimes. You’re just very good at hiding it. Joel knows you though. You let down your walls enough to let him get a peak behind the curtain to see inside your soul. Sure he’d seen your anger, he’d been on the receiving end of it several times already. Yet he’d seen you when you were vulnerable, he’d seen and felt the softness you were yearning to give to someone. As much as he pisses you off and drives you insane, he has the ability to calm you just as quickly.

Right now though.. yeh he’s pissing you off at this forced dinner between the two of you and your dad. You’ve been watching him as subtly as possible though he’s caught you glancing at him every so often. Every time he does, you notice how he grips his fork that bit tighter and the vein in his neck pulses dangerously. It’s a blessing really just how naive and oblivious your poor dad is because you can cut the tension with a knife at the moment.

You’ve not really been paying attention to the conversation between your dad and Joel, you lost interest when all they were talking about was work and an upcoming baseball game. But when your dad asks Joel where he disappeared to recently, you don’t even try to pretend you’re not listening. You raise an eyebrow in Joel’s direction, waiting for his response. You watch as his eyebrows pinch together tightly and he scowls at his plate like it’s personally offended him.

He clears his throat and finally looks up but it’s you he locks his eyes on when he finally talks.

“Went t’see Tommy” he mutters.

His brother? Why had going to see Tommy been such a secret that he couldn’t have just told you that? Your eyes search his face for some kind of answer but you don’t find one. You do notice though that he looks tired. Exhausted even. His dark eyes that can be so expressive look heavy and defeated when he looks back at you.

“He all good?” Your dad’s voice fills the silence and both you and Joel quickly turn in his direction which causes you to choke on your mouthful of chicken.

“Yeh.. yeh he’s fine. Wife is fine too” he adds as an after thought.

Your dad nods in acknowledgment, taking a sip of his beer. “So what had you down there so long? Any trouble?”

You watch as Joel leans back in his chair, clearing his throat awkwardly like he’s giving himself time to think of what to say to that.

“No trouble. He’s been buggin’ me for ages to go up and see him. Been a real pain in the ass ‘bout it”.

Your dad chuckles and shakes his head. “Brothers eh. Tommy’s a good one though. Always did like him”.

Joel gives a half hearted grumble in agreement but continues to look at you. It’s a little unnerving really. He couldn’t stand the sight of you last night and now it’s like his eyes are drinking every inch of you in. You’re trying to be indifferent to it but you’re only human. You felt pathetic at how much you’d missed seeing his face over the last few days and now that he was sat in front of you, it was like putting a 5 course meal in front of a starving person.. and god you were fucking ravenous for him. When your dad starts talking about an expo coming up soon downtown, you chance another look at Joel. With your head tilted down slightly, you glance up through your eyelashes at him. He catches you looking at for just one fleeting moment, you’re sure you see a small smile flash across his face before it’s gone once more. You gulp and look away, needing to get away from this room all of a sudden. It hurt too much sitting here and just watching him act like nothing was wrong. Your chair scrapes across the floor as you quickly stand, muttering an excuse to be excused before heading into the living room to get some space.

You flip down onto the sofa, grabbing a cushion and pull it over your face and give a small scream of frustration.

********

“Mind coming with me? Got somethin’ of your dad’s in my truck” his low voice asks you, his head poking into the room you’re trying to hide in.

You look up, startled slightly at not expecting it to be him. You’re about to refute and say he can go bring it in himself but there’s something in the way he’s looking at you that has you following without argument. You walk a few steps behind him outside to his truck. It’s dark outside save for the few street lights that bathe the two of you in a soft glow. You watch him lean against the side of his truck, his arms crossed rigidly against his chest.

“So what do I need to grab?” You ask tentatively, looking at the truck.

“You should go back to New York. It’ll be good for you ya know? Lots of opportunities for you there. Not like here” he mumbles, not being able to meet your eye whilst he says it.

Why are those words so familiar to you? It’s niggling in the back of your mind but you can’t put a finger on it right now.

“Joel I don’t-“

“Baby girl listen to me” he cuts you off, finally looking at you. “You’ve got a whole life yet to live. So many things I know you’re going to go on and achieve. You don’t need someone like me holding you back. I can’t.. won’t do it to you. I can’t be selfish and keep you here with me” he says earnestly

Your heart is racing in your chest, wondering where all this has come from. You want to shout at him, scream from the top of your lungs and demand that he gives you answers to all the questions that have been consuming your mind. But you don’t. Because right now, you don’t want to fight, you just want him. “What if I want you to be selfish?”

“Don’t.. just.. don’t” he lets out a shaky breath, his eyes filled with pain and longing.

“Stop fighting this..please Joel. Stop trying to tell me what you think is best for me” you say softly, reaching a hand out to brush his cheek.

He screws his eyes shut, his chest rising and falling rapidly like he’s been running now. When he finally opens his eyes and glances down at you, they’re filled with a fire you’ve not seen before. He grabs your hand tightly, the warmth seeping into your skin.

“Say something” you plead, desperation leaking into your voice at just needing to hear him say anything, to know what he’s thinking.

When he says nothing, you take a step closer, you’re so close you can feel the heat radiating off the rest of his body. You’d missed that heat. With your free hand, you reach out and place it over his chest, letting his racing heartbeat pulse against you.

“Tell me to go.. tell me to leave and never come back” you whisper. “Tell me you don’t want me and I’ll go”.

Chapter Text

“I don’t… it’s not that I..” his eyes are wide. You’ve never this crazed and desperate look in his eyes before and it wraps around your own pathetic heart that is beating a million miles an hour. Above everything though, he looks lost. Like he doesn’t know what the right thing to say or do in this situation the two of you have stumbled in to.

The two of you stay like that, just staring at each other as the seconds tick by. You know you should leave, every instinct inside of you is screaming at you to run and protect what remains of your battered heart. You go to pull away and put some distance between yourself and Joel but before you can, you feel his warm hand grip your wrist and pull you back.

“Don’t, please.” It’s so soft that you think you imagined it but when you look up, you see his eyes pleading with you to not go.

You let out a deep breath that you didn’t realise you were holding in and allow him to pull you back up against his chest. You’d spent god knows how many hours thinking about being close to him like this again, feeling that safe and warm space that felt like it was made just for you.

“Joel.. someone might see us” you mumble against his chest, breathing in the scent of his shirt. It overwhelms your senses. He always just smells so good in your opinion. Something distinctly masculine and unique.

“I know. Just let me hold you. Just for a second. Please” he whispers against the shell of your ear. The sound of his voice being so close to you sends shivers down your spine.

After a few moments he reluctantly lets you go, gives you the space you know you should want but don’t. Everything he’s doing and saying right now is clashing and at war with itself. There’s something he’s not telling you and you can see how hard he’s trying to fight it and give in to it. Treating you like something he wants to grab and claim for himself whilst simultaneously treating you like something that is forbidden and not be touched. It’s giving you emotional whiplash.

“Can I see you tomorrow?” He asks, finally breaking the tense silence. Those big brown eyes looking hopeful but guarded.

“I don’t.. I mean.. yeh. Yes, you can see me tomorrow” you force out the words, trying to get a grasp on this whole unexpected interaction.

He nods at you and looks like he wants to reach for you again but thinks better of it. “Let me know when you’re up.”

You look sheepishly at him, playing with the hem of your t-shirt.

“What?” He asks, eyebrows furrowed.

“I kinda deleted your number.”

“Guess I deserved that” he grumbles, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.

“Yeh, you kinda did.”

***********

You don’t sleep well that night. Too full of pent up energy and emotions. It’s like your body has finally woken up after spending days hibernating and now it’s alive with electricity pulsing through your veins. You wake up with the intention of making Joel sweat a bit and be the one who is doing all the waiting but you can’t waste any more time away from him. Whether that makes you desperate and stupid you don’t really care right now. You don’t think you have any more restraint left in you after being so on edge and miserable..you’ve felt punished enough, you don’t want to prolong that. This push and pull the two of you are carrying out was exhausting. Something had to give.

The house is quiet when you head downstairs. It’s around 11am but you half expected your dad to be around somewhere, keeping himself busy. Not that you’re complaining, the less questions you have to answer the better.

The late morning heat nearly floors you when you step outside. It’s the kind of heat that has your clothes sticking to your body as soon as you leave the sanctuary of your air conditioned house and it adds to your discomfort. You don’t know what to expect when you get over to Joel’s so you’re already feeling twitchy but the heat and sweat that’s breaking out over your body has you itching to peel out of your skin. Your dad’s truck isn’t in the driveway so you can at least take some comfort that he’s not going to pop up out of nowhere and ask where you’re going.

You make the short journey over to Joel’s and knock softly on the door. You glance nervously round the street to see if anyone is watching you as you wait, shifting awkwardly from leg to leg. Finally, the door opens and you have to fight back the smile that’s threatening to break out over your face as you take the sight of him in. Always so much taller than you, broad and firm. You feel yourself gulp when you lock eyes, his own brown eyes radiating warmth and affection as they look into your own. He’s wearing a tight dark navy t-shirt which emphasise his biceps and leaves you wanting to touch him.

“You came” he says gently, allowing a small smile on his face which reveals that dimple you love.

“I said I would” you reply as nonchalantly as you can despite the butterflies in your stomach.

He reaches out a hand to grab yours and pulls you inside before closing the door. The cool temperature of the room helps your heated skin as you don’t wait for him to tell you where to go. You’re used to his place now and head straight to the living room and plant yourself down on his sofa without invitation. You watch as he strides in after you before he sits at the opposite end of the sofa, relaxing his body into the material.

“Soooo.. what did you want to see me for” you ask awkwardly, wanting to break the silence but not quite able to look at his face just yet.

“I missed you” he says bluntly and you can feel his eyes on you.

“That’s not fair. You can’t just say that after disappearing without so much as a heads up.”

“I know, I just… fuck!”

You look up at him and watch as he grips at his hair frustrated, running the palms of his hands over his face. “I know I didn’t handle it the best. You deserve better than that.”

You give a hum of agreement as you cross your arms against your chest and get comfortable. You’re desperate to reach out and touch him, kiss him even but you’re not going to let him have it easy, you still have a small shred of pride left.

“That night, when you left here… I was happy. So fucking happy, you have to believe me” he pleads.

“What changed then” you throw back at him. You think you know the answer but you need to hear him say it.

You watch as his body tenses and you expect him to close up but he surprises you. “Your mum came here. I thought she was just coming to say goodbye for old times sake but well..” he scratches his head awkwardly.

“What did she say?” You ask bluntly.

You watch him take a deep breath before speaking. “She talked to me about you. Asked me how you were doing since you came back. I said you seemed to be doing well and seemed happy here.”

“Ok well that’s not so bad so why did -“

He cuts you off before you can finish that sentence. “She told me that she didn’t want to see you get stuck here. Said you needed to go back to New York and graduate and make something of yourself.”

You let out a derisive snort at that. “You can’t seriously sit there with a straight face and tell me you agreed with her bullshit.”

“Look, she has a point. I’ve seen your talent! You can really go do something good in the world. I won’t be the thing that holds you back” he snips back at you, his eyes narrowing at you from across the sofa.

“Stop telling me what I should be doing! You don’t get to determine that for me!” You shout back at him, your nails digging into the palms of your hands to try and ground you against the anger that is flaring up.

The two of you are so similar that it’s like two balls of fire colliding together, neither willing to give an inch and it all points to creating an inferno.

“I’m not trying to tell you what to do!” He smacks his hand down onto the sofa. It makes you jump slightly but you try to not let it show.

“Sure sounds like you are” you mutter.

Joel lets out a sound that sounds somewhere in between a growl and a groan and inches towards you on the sofa so that there’s not much distance between the two of you now.

“I fucked up a lot when I was younger. I don’t want the same thing to happen to you.”

“This has to stop. What happened to you wasn’t anything to do with me. I hate that you went through shit when you were younger but I’ve got here on my own and you’ve got to let me make my own decisions.”

His arm reaches out and hooks you so he can pull you closer to him. He does it so effortlessly, just another reminder of how he could easily overpower you if he wanted. Your body is stiff against his to begin with until he starts running his fingers through your hair. You can’t help but relax, body melting against his.

“You remind me so much of me when I was your age sometimes..” he says softly, tucking a stray piece of your hair behind your ear. “So fuckin’ angry and frustrated at the world all the time”

You stare back at him, not really knowing what to tell him. Yeh, you were exactly that but when you were with him it was like the world was a better place. A little warmer and brighter when he had you by his side, made you feel like you wanted to take a moment to appreciate how far you’d come rather than run for the hills. The corners of his mouth tug up slightly, exposing that dimple again, as if he can read your mind.

“You’re all bottled up emotions and..and sharp edges” he muses, trailing the tips of his fingers across the skin of your cheek. “But it’s what makes you you.. I don’t wanna smooth those edges. You keep cutting into me and it makes me feel like I’m alive for the first time in a fuckin’ long time. I couldn’t stop thinking about you the whole time I was away.. you’re drivin’ me fucking crazy” he finishes, lacing his fingers through yours and giving your hand a tight squeeze.

You want to give in to him at those words, it’s taking everything in you to not cry at how sincere he’s being, but there are still questions nagging in your head. So you gently untangle yourself from him.

“Did you really go see your brother? Or was that just bullshit?” You ask quietly, not sure if you want to know the truth.

“No I did go to see him. After your mum came round I needed to get away and I just ended up there” he admits.

“What happened when you got there?” You ask, trailing your fingers over his hand absentmindedly.

He chuckles humourlessly. “He asked what crawled up my ass and died to make me look so miserable.”

“Oh.”

“Ended up getting drunk. Told him everything” he admits.

“What did he say?” You ask, trying not to let your nervousness seep through.
“He told me it was about time I found something that made me happy. Told me to stop being a pussy and go home.” He drawls, rolling his eyes.

“Do you listen to your little brother” your words come out breathlessly despite you trying to keep your shit together.

“No” he blurts out quickly.

Your eyebrows shoot up quickly at that. He must see it because he’s soon scrambling.

“He’s normally full of shit but yeh.. he umm.. he was talking sense this time. Made me see I needed to come back here and talk things through with you.”

Your mouth forms a perfect O shape, words failing you for the first time.

He shifts even closer to you on the sofa, he’s within inches of you now. His large palm comes to rest on your thigh and it sends heat straight to your core.

“I didn’t stop wanting you. That wasn’t the issue” his voice is so low and dangerous. It makes the hairs on your end stand up.

You push down your anger to face him head on. Your eyes zeroing on him. “You just disappeared. No word or anything.. sure felt like you didn’t want me.”

“I didn’t want it to be that way.. fuck.” He shakes his head before reaching out again, grabbing your arm and pulling you on to his lap . “I’m not.. I’m not the easiest person to care about. I’ve got a habit of pushin’ people away when they get too close to me.”

You meet his gaze, tilting your head back so you can look at him. “What’s different this time? Why’d you come back and ask me over here?”

You feel his arms tighten slightly around you, keeping you in place on his lap. “Because I can’t keep away from you. I know it’s selfish and I should know better but you’re just..” his voice trails off as he continues to stare down at you.

“Joel?” Your voice comes out barely above a whisper.

His eyes look at you questioning. “What?”

“Think this is the part where you kiss me now” you smirk.

He rolls his eyes at you but can’t help smiling softly down at you. His fingers tilt your chin up before he leans down slightly and brushes his lips over yours. The feeling of his mouth on yours again after pining after him for so long sparks something inside you. Your hands lace around his neck, pulling him down so you can kiss him back harder, needing to feel more of him. You’re pouring all the emotions from the last few days into this kiss and you vaguely wonder if he can feel it. Without warning he pulls back from you, panting slightly with his hair tousled from your fingers and lips swollen from your eagerness. You’re about to whine for him to not stop when he lifts you up to spin you around on his lap. Your legs are draped over his thighs and you can feel his half hard cock prodding against your ass. You
can’t help grinding down on to him, wanting to feel him desperately inside of you.

“Behave, pretty girl” he growls in your ear, tugging you firmly back so your back is pressed against his chest.

You feel the heat from his breath fan out against your neck and then your ear, the sensation causing you to shiver against him.

“Gonna take care of you like I’ve thought about every second I was away from you” he whispers, planting warm kisses down the side of your neck. His teeth graze lightly over your pulse before he pauses to suck on the same spot.

“God Joel, feels so good” you moan, your fingers digging into the sides of his thighs are holding your legs open.

You watch as his palm caresses your thigh whilst his other hand slides down your stomach towards the edge of your shorts. You know you’re soaking, your body has always reacted so effortlessly to his touch. You can’t help the moan that slips out of your mouth when you watch him undo the button and slowly slide the zip down.

“That’s it baby, let me hear you” he groans. “No one here to hear you but me.” He continues, his tongue darting out to lick and suck on the spot below your ear. “Tell me how bad you want it. How bad do you want to feel my fingers fucking this sweet cunt.”

“Fuck, Joel. Need it so bad. Please” you beg.

As the last words leave your mouth, his hand slips inside your underwear and you feel his finger press firmly against your clit. You let out a loud moan as your head tips back against his chest, eyes screwed shut at the sensation. You hear him chuckle softly as he presses his face against the top of your head as he slowly circles your most sensitive spot. He holds you still with his arm locked around your waist, you can feel how rock hard he is under you now. Before you can even utter another word, a shaky breath escapes your lips as you feel his finger travel further down. He teases you for what feels like forever before he plunges it inside of you, curling it till it hits something inside of you that make your hips buck against him.

“Jesus you’re so wet. Is this for me, pretty girl? Needed me to remind you how good I feel inside of you?” He grunts, pushing a second finger in.

He starts to fuck you unrelentingly with his fingers, the room filled with your moans and the sound of your arousal as he continues to pump in and out. Your eyes roll to the back of your head as the pleasure building in the pit of your stomach continues to rise. You’re powerless to the ecstasy Joel is giving you and you don’t want it to stop, you want more more more. He feels how you’re tightening around him, how you’re choking his fingers as he picks up speed.

“Joel, ‘m gonna come” you manage to choke out.

“I know baby, I know. Give it to me. Soak my fingers” he grits out.

He crooks his fingers inside of you as his thumb brushes over your clit and it’s your undoing. You let out a cry as you come undone against him, your cunt pulsing and clenching at his fingers as you try to pull him in deeper.

“Mine” he whispers against your ear as he holds you tight against him as you come down from your high. It feels like a promise as you let him hold you, desperately trying to suck in air as your heart continues to pound against your ribs. You’re still trying to get your bearings when he gently lifts you up and slides you onto the sofa.

“That was… god” words fail you as you look up at him in awe, his tall figure now stood up and looking down at you.

“Oh baby girl… you didn’t think that was it did you?” He mocks, a smirk playing across his handsome features.

You can’t even find the right words to reply as your mouth hangs open slightly at him. He moves quicker than you expect as he reaches down, grabbing a hold of your slumped body and lifting you up in his arms. You can’t help but squeal as you wrap your legs around him and let him carry you towards the stairs.

“You’re gonna hurt your back” you half tease him, resting your head against his chest as he starts to head upstairs towards his bedroom.

“Sweetheart please shut up before I make you” he growls into your ear, you know it’s a promise and not a threat and it makes you clench your legs tighter round his waist.

He strides into his room, kicking the door shut behind the two of you. Joel places you gently down on the bed, letting you lie there whilst he stands at the end. He’s gazing raptly at you, his strong arms stretched across his chest. He’s quiet as his dark eyes roam lazily down your body before dragging back up to stare intensely at you. He’s silent but you don’t miss how his eyes darken even further and his chest is rising and falling quicker than it was before and you don’t think it has anything to do with carrying you up the stairs. You’d feel self conscious if it was anyone else but not with Joel. You’d gladly open yourself up to him in anyway he desired.

“Take your shirt off” he instructs, how low voice like a caress against your skin.

You do as he asks, your hands shaking slightly as you pull it off and wait for him to continue.

“And your shorts” everything from his tone to his body is tense, like it’s ready to snap at any moment.

You tilt your hips up so you can tug your shorts and panties off, leaving you trembling in just your bar as he continues to stand at the foot of bed, drinking you in.

“So fucking beautiful.”

You’re not sure if he’s saying it to you or himself but it makes you needy. He’s too far away from you and it’s driving you nuts. Joel must be thinking the same thing because you watch as he pulls his shirt off over his head by collar and if that isn’t the sexiest thing you’ve witnessed then you don’t know what is. The suffocating silence in the room is broken by the sound of his belt clinking as he undoes it before sliding it out from his jeans in one smooth motion. Fuck…that might be the sexiest thing you’ve seen, you think to yourself.

Arousal is building between your thighs again as you watch him take off his jeans and toss them to the side. He’s rock solid in his boxers and you’re about to lose your god damned mind if he doesn’t let you touch it soon. Patience is gift he possess over you though because he catches you looking and flashes you a grin that is crafted from the devil himself.

He crawls up the bed till he’s kneeling in between your parted legs, his fingers caressing up thighs and over your belly. He follows the path he’s made with his mouth, kissing and licking up your body and taking his time. You can’t help squirming under his touch, your breathing erratic as you’re consumed by him.

“Please” you whimper.

“Shhhh baby, you’re ok”he croons.

His breath is so hot as he moves up your body, coming to a stop on your chest.

“Let’s get you out of this” his voice rumbles against your flushed skin as he pulls you up slightly to unhook your bra, tossing the garment to the floor. Your nipples stiffen in the cold air but it’s soon replaced by the wet heat from his mouth. You both moan when he captures the hard bud with his teeth before sucking harshly at it. The pain and pleasure shoots through your body and you can’t stop from gripping his hair to give your hands something to focus on. He switches his attention to your other nipple whilst you try to grind against him, seeking some kind of friction against your aching clit.

“Impatient little thing aren’t you” he chuckles in between bites and licks. “Tell me what you need baby girl, tell me what you want and I’ll give it to you.”

“Fuck me, please. Need to feel you inside me” you pant.

He rolls off you, standing up to tear his boxers off and letting his cock spring free. It juts out, already leaking for you and you’re now torn between needing to feel it buried inside you and wanting to rap your lips around it and swallow him as far as you can. He reaches into the drawer by the side of his bed and pulls out a condom, tearing the foil with his teeth before rolling it down over himself.

“Open your legs for me baby” he whispers as he looks at you, his eyes so dark that you barely see the brown left in them.

You do as he asks, making room for him to kneel and line himself up.

“I’m ready, you can -“

Before you can finish your sentence, he drives into you in one hard thrust. You throw your head back on a loud cry as your body tries to adjust to him.

“That’s it baby, know you can take it” he pants in your ear, slowly rocking back and forth inside as you get used to him.

He sets a steady pace, fucking you into the bed as his fingers grip your hips hard enough that you think they’ll leave bruises. It feels like bliss. He shifts you so your legs are draped over his shoulders and the change in angle has him hitting that spot inside you that has you moaning his name like a prayer.

“Fuck you feel so tight, darlin’. Gonna come all over my cock?” He pants.

“Yes, don’t stop. Right there” you plead, clawing at his back like your life depends on it.

He keeps hammering into you whilst reaching down to circle your clit and that’s when your second orgasm hits you full force. Your body shakes and trembles under his as he chases his own release. The tendons in his neck and arms grow taut as he thrusts into you three more times before he lets out a loud groan of your name.

The room is filled with the sounds of you both panting, trying to catch your breaths. He sinks down onto the bed next to you, pulling you into his side.

“God I missed you..” you laugh, turning on your side to look at him.

He gives you a boyish grin before looking serious. “Lemme clean up a second, got something I want to ask you” he finally says, pressing a kiss to your shoulder.

You watch him climb out of bed, admiring his back as he heads to the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later wearing a pair of sweatpants and holding a cloth. He carefully drags the warm material between your legs, kissing the inside of your thigh once he’s done.

“I umm.. I wanted to take you somewhere tomorrow” he says uncertainly. “If you want to of course.”

“Why Joel Miller, are you asking to take me on a date?” You tease, grinning at him from the head of the bed.

You watch as a faint blush creeps up his neck as he glances back at you.

“Is that a yes?” He grumbles, his lips all pouty and his eyes back to chocolate.

“I’d love to” you smile widely, clambering over to him to plant a kiss on his adorable pouty lips.

Chapter Text

You left Joel’s house with a smile on your face, an ache between your legs and his number restored to your phone. The latter point being particularly non negotiable to him. He’d also asked you to pack a bag to stay overnight but refused to tell you why or where you were going to be staying. No matter how much you’d pouted and pleaded with him, insisting you didn’t like surprises, you’d been met with an eye role and a firm kiss on your lips to stop the words from spilling out of your mouth whilst his fingers tangled in your hair: the slight sting from where he tugged at the hairs at the nape of your neck making you gasp.

So you’d left, despite everything screaming inside you to stay, to head home and excitedly prepare what you were going to pack and wear for your night away with him. Whilst you were going through the clothes in your closet, your mind kept playing flashbacks of finally being back with him. You hadn’t expected it and you certainly hadn’t imagined he’d be asking you to go away somewhere with him but you weren’t about to bite the hand that feeds you. Well… not the hand anyway. It almost didn’t feel real, like some sick dream you’d suddenly wake from and realise none of the events from the last few hours had happened. You’d been pining for him despite telling yourself you were over him and then suddenly everything had just fallen into place. As simple as that. The cynical side to you told you that there was a catch somewhere but you firmly pushed that down. No, you were going to enjoy this for as long as you could. You picked up your phone to text him, wanting to make sure you didn’t pack anything you didn’t need.

*can you at least tell me what’s appropriate to pack?*

*clothes*

You roll your eyes but can’t help the laugh that comes out. God he was infuriating but in the cutest way possible.

*ok, but what clothes? Like do I need to dress up? Are we going somewhere fancy?*

You hit sent and chew on your lip nervously. Replaying that message in your head, you start overthinking and worrying. What if he had planned something that didn’t need smart clothing and was now going to think you were some entitled bitch. Fuck.

*not that I’m asking you to take me anywhere fancy. I just want to be prepared*

You send off a quick second text and sit on the edge of your bed, wondering when you became this paranoid. After a painful few minutes wait, your phone finally buzzes.

*you’ll look beautiful in whatever you bring*

Your heart softens at that but you can’t help but think that really doesn’t help your thought process. You grit your teeth in determination and decide to pack for both smart and casual and give yourself an appeasing nod.

***********

You wake up bright and early the next day, excitement buzzing through your body. Your bag is packed and ready to go and you can’t help the smile that’s been permanently etched on your face since yesterday. You head downstairs with your bag in hand, nearly skipping down as you head into the kitchen and fill a glass up with water. Taking a big gulp, you look out the window to your yard and wonder what Joel has planned for you. You’ve never had someone plan something for you, always being the one in charge of plans or being disappointed when someone else took it upon themselves to lead the way. Normally ending in disappointment despite your best efforts to give up control for once and allow it. Yet with Joel, you trusted him. Believed that whatever he had planned will end up being something you love simply because you felt deep down, he knew you and knew what would make you happy. Placing your empty glass down on the counter, you turn around and pick up your bag. You call out to your dad but there’s no answer so you scribble a note to let him know you’re heading out and won’t be back till tomorrow. That would have to do for now.

You make your way down the street towards Joel’s house, bag hoisted over your shoulder as you scan the road to see if anyone is about. As far as you can tell, the coast is clear. You make your way up the driveway and knock twice before taking a step back and waiting. The sun heats the back of your neck, your hair tied up in a messy bun, and for once you don’t hate the heat. It fills you with an inner warmth which makes you feel like there can only be good things ahead in the day for some unexplainable reason. You’re wearing a pale blue dress, fitted to the top of your body but flowing freely towards the tops of your knees. The feel of cotton material brushes against your thighs and you can’t help your imagination wondering to what it would feel like having Joel’s palms inching up against your bare skin, edging the material slowly up..

Before you can get too carried away with that though, the door opens and the man himself is in front of you.

“Hey” you manage to squeak out, your cheeks heating at your previous thoughts.

“Hi, you ok?” He arches an eyebrow at your flustered appearance.

“Yup all good! Ready to go” you throw out, trying to appear more calm and collected than you are.

He laughs, obviously seeing through your excuses. He bends down to pick up his own bag before turning to lock his door. He smoothly hooks your own bag off your shoulder and you go to protest but he slips his arm around your waist and tugs you after him, both bags in tow. You let him guide you both to his truck, watching as he places both bags into the back before walking round and opening the passenger side door for you.

“There you go” his low voice rumbles, holding your hand as you climb into the passenger seat. You beam at him as he helps you in before pressing a soft kiss to your forehead. It makes your stomach flutter at the gesture. Just as he goes to close the door, he pauses and you can see him thinking about something. You watch as he reaches over your body, the bottom of his plaid shirt rises and exposes a tan strip of skin that makes you want to touch it as he grabs the seatbelt and clicks it into place for you. It makes you gulp, hard.

“I could have done that” you whisper.

“I know” he replies bluntly before smirking, tugging to make sure the strap is secure before leaning back and shutting the door softly.

He walks confidently around the front of the truck before climbing in and pulling his seatbelt on. The engine roars to life and he places an arm behind your headrest as he leans to look back to make sure nothing is coming. For some reason it makes your breathing pick up and your thighs clench at the simple masculinity of it all. God you were whipped.

The drive is filled with comfortable silence, you’re distracted looking out the window as the world passes you by. You’re lost in your own thoughts about how everything in your life brought you to being sat in this truck when you feel a warm hand rest on your thigh. You glance over at Joel but his eyes don’t leave the road ahead of him. His hand starts tracing shapes against your heated skin, rolling up and down your skin absentmindedly and it makes you needy. You twist in your seat to face him better, admiring his side profile that’s partially steeped in shadows as the sun is blocked out by the sheer size of him.

“Quit staring” he grumbles but you can hear the amusement in his tone and notice a slight smile curling on his lips.

“Can’t help it, you’re too pretty to not look at” you tease, reaching over to peck his cheek.

He rolls his eyes in response but lets you go back to staring at him without complaint.

“Gonna tell me what you’ve got planned for today?”

“Nope and if you ask me again, I won’t take you.”

You snort and shake your head, you know he wouldn’t do that. He seems excited about today as well and it just makes you want to know even more. You’ve never been patient when you want to know something. You’re relentless like a dog with a bone but you don’t want to spoil whatever he’s been planning so you sit back in your seat and let him have his moment.

You switch on the radio and a recent pop song fills the space. Joel lets out a loud groan in response but it just makes you laugh.

“Not a fan?” You tease, letting your fingers skim over the top of his hand that’s still resting on your thigh.

“Sweetheart, I’d rather bang my head against a wall than listen to this crap” he mutters.

“Are you always this dramatic?”

He doesn’t give you a response, just clicks his tongue against his teeth and shakes his head which amuses you even more.

“Ya know.. I think I know what would make you enjoy it more” your tone suggestive, hoping he’ll pick up on it.

“Oh yeh? What’s that?” He drawls, glancing over at you quickly before focusing on the road again.

“Mhmm..” you murmur, placing your hand over his and moving it slowly up your thigh. “How do you feel about this song now?” You ask innocently although you’re getting yourself pretty worked up now too.

“It’s still terrible” he throws back at you but you don’t miss how he’s gripping the steering wheel with his free hand more tightly now, his knuckles growing whiter.

“How about now?” You ask, moving his hand under your dress, his fingers brushing over the material of your lace panties.

“Oh fuck” he stutters out, his fingers clenching a little tighter on your bare skin whilst he tries to focus on the road.

“You didn’t answer my question, Joel” you tease, moving his hand higher still so his fingers are settled right over your aching clit.

“Jesus, are you trying to make me crash the god damn truck?” He grits out, his eyes narrowed as he tries to stay in control.

“Gonna admit this song isn’t so bad now?” You start to rock your hips up against his hand, you’re no more in control than he is right now.

He lets out a low groan in response and you know you’ve got him. You pull your underwear to the side and without you even moving, feel his fingers move through your slick folds. You can’t hold back the whimper that leaves your mouth, your eyes closing at the touch of him.

“You’re gonna be the death of me one of these days” he pants as he moves his hand away to clench the steering wheel.

You whine in protest at the loss, you’re aching and needy for the man sat next to you and quite frankly you wouldn’t care if he crashed the truck so you could at least get what you wanted. Not that you’re dramatic.

After a few minutes of silence and you shifting in your seat, clenching your thighs together to ease some of the ache, Joel speaks.

“Guess that isn’t the worst song I’ve ever heard” he says, a smirk plastered on his face like the devil he is.

**********

The truck pulls into a carpark that leads up to a high rise hotel in the centre of Austin. It’s stunning and easily the nicest place you’ve ever been taken to. It does something to your heart as you gaze up at the building with your mouth slightly open. Joel pulls into a free space and shuts off the engine, looking over at you.

“You ready?”

“Joel this is..” your voice trails off.

He gives you the softest smile before unclipping his seatbelt and opening his door. You follow his lead and hop out the side of truck as he reaches in to grab your bags, sliding the straps of both over his shoulder before walking round to meet you and take your hand in his. The novelty of being able to be around each other like this in public is making you feel slightly dizzy as you follow after him as he heads towards the entrance of the building.

You step through into the large, open plan lobby area and gaze around at the luxury of it all. It’s so un-Joel in every way that your head is in a spin.

He tugs your hand with him as he steps up to the reception desk where you’re greeted by a very cheerful and smiley receptionist.

“Hey there. Got a room booked for two” he says in the politest voice you’ve ever heard come out of his mouth.

“Of course sir, what’s the booking name made under?”

You don’t miss the way her smile goes slightly brighter whilst talking to him and her eyes drift up and down his body. A sharp prick of jealousy washes over you and it surprises you, you didn’t think you did jealously anymore. You knew you were being ridiculous but you couldn’t help yourself. You move closer to the desk and give her a big fake smile as you respond. “It’s under Miller.”

Her smile drops slightly as she turns to you before tapping away on her computer to bring up the details. You glance up at Joel who’s now looking down amusingly at you.

“So that’s one suite for one night” Miss bright smile informs you. “Would you like one key or two” she asks politely, addressing you.

“One is fine, thank you darlin’” Joel’s low voice responds, reaching over to take the keycard and offering a nod of his head in thanks as he takes it.

“I hope you enjoy your stay” the receptionist replies brightly.

“Don’t worry, we will” you mutter as Joel pulls you along after him to the elevator.

Once you’re both inside, you watch Joel push the button for your floor before he starts to laugh.

“What?”

“You. You’re cute when you get jealous is all”

“I’m not jealous” you pout.

“Sure sure” he laughs, holding up his hands in innocence.

You roll your eyes but don’t say anything. The door pings to let you know you’re on the right floor but before you can leave, Joel leans over and whispers in your ear. “No need to be jealous baby, you know you’re the only one I want.”

Before you can respond though, he’s grabbing your hand again and pulling you after him. You walk down the heavy carpeted hallway till you stop outside the correct door. Joel slips the keycard in, the telltale clock sounding out before he opens the door and herds you inside before following closely behind.

Your eyes widen at the room in front of you. A king size bed sits in the middle of the room, beyond that, sliding glass windows that open up to a balcony that overlooks the grounds of the hotel. There’s a spacious sitting area with comfortable looking chairs and a sofa which point towards a large plasma screen tv. You wonder through to the en-suite and a deep soaking bath is next to a large rainfall shower that could easily fit multiple people. You go back into the bedroom and sit down on the bed, the silky linen brushing against your bare skin and you could happily just sink into it and not move for the rest of your time here.

Whilst you’ve been exploring the room, Joel has dropped your bags off by the side of the bed and has wondered out on to the balcony. You get up from the bed and wander over to him, slipping your arms around his waist and nuzzle into his back.

“You didn’t have to do this” you mumble into his back.

“I wanted to” his gruff response comes out, pulling you around his body till you’re stood in front of him. “You deserve to have a nice time.”

He says it so sweetly and his eyes are so looking at you so darkly that the only response you can give is to stretch up on your toes and press a soft kiss to his mouth.

“Thank you” you whisper against him.

He smiles at you, looking boyish and carefree for the first time since your paths crossed before glancing at his watch.

“You ready to head out?”

“Already?” Your eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “You don’t wan to hang around here for a bit?”

“Later” it sounds like a delicious promise that stokes the heat that’s been simmering in your body since you got into his truck. “I want to take you somewhere before it closes.”

“Oh.. ok. Yeh, sure. Do I need to change?”

“No, you’re perfect how you are.”

********

The truck pulls into a gravel carpark outside a nondescript building. You search for any clues to where you are but can’t really spot anything. You get out of the truck and are greeted by Joel once again taking your hand in his as he leads the two of you up the steps and through the door.

“Hello sir, do you already have tickets?” The man asks from a stand that’s to the right of the entrance.

“Yeh one second” Joel replies, taking out his wallet and taking out two slips of paper before handing them over.

“Enjoy!” The man replies, pointing towards the doors at the end of the hall.

You go to ask Joel what this is but as he pushes open the door and holds it for you, your eyes widen. The warm lighting of the room is perfect for the artwork that is hanging on the walls around the large room. Vibrant paintings and intricate sculptures fill the space as far as you can see. Joel has brought you to an art exhibition and the thoughtfulness and surprise of it has your throat tightening in response.

“How did you find this place?” Your voice comes out in a whisper as you continue to look around the room.

“Saw it advertised when I was driving back from Tommy’s” he admits. “Got tickets and hoped to hell you’d at least talk to me again after I fucked up.”

“Thank you” you say with everything you have. You’d never had someone be this thoughtful for something that meant so much to you. You were hastily blinking back the tears that were threatening to escape down your cheeks.

He gives your hand a squeeze and bends down to give you a soft kiss.

You roam around the room in comfortable silence, admiring the art that inhibits the room. You’re stood in front of an abstract piece called ‘whispers of the soul’. You gaze at the intricate swirls and patterns on the canvas, seemingly meaningless until you really stare at it. The contrasting colours and layered textures add depth and complexity to the artwork and in your eyes, it’s beautiful.

“I have no fucking idea what I’m supposed to be looking at” Joel’s rough voice whispers into your ear.

You can’t help but laugh as you look up at his bewildered expression, his eyebrows furrowing as he stares at the painting trying to make sense out of it.

“Art is subjective, it’s whatever you want to make from it” you try to explain.

“So this is an expression of insanity?” He bluntly replies, his eyes roaming over the mix of colours spread across the canvas.

You laugh again, turning to face him and pull him into a hug. “Thank you for bringing me here.”

He squeezes you back before his fingers are tilting your chin up.

“One day, your art will be in a place like this” he adds before cupping your face, his eyes searching yours before kissing you.

“I’m glad someone has faith in me” you try to joke.

“Always” he says solemnly.

You spend the next hour or so wandering around the exhibit, pointing out things for Joel who is doing his best to engage with you and ask questions even though you can tell he doesn’t have a clue what’s going on. Yet it just makes your heart swell even further as his hand doesn’t leave either your own or the small of your back as he trails around after you.

*******
“I loved that!” You beam as you both climb into Joel’s truck. “It’s really made me think about what art I want to produce.”

“I’m glad you enjoyed it, still don’t know what the heck I was looking at but it was.. good” he states, mulling over the word good like he doesn’t quite understand it.

It’s getting to early evening now and the sun is starting to drop, the sky a burnt orange as the night starts to claw in. You’re still buzzing with energy after a perfect day so far and you’re ready to head back to the hotel so you can show Joel just how much you’ve appreciated what he’s done for you today. As he drives you away though, he doesn’t drive in the direction back to the hotel.

“Got one last place I wanna take you” Joel’s voice cuts in and it’s not the first time you’ve thought that he can read your mind.

He takes you down a lot of winding back roads before coming to a stop in a dusty parking lot that’s lit up by the twinkling lights of funfair rides and stalls in the distance.

“Thought this might be more my speed” he smirks, his eyes reflecting the lights from outside.

You let out a child like squeal of excitement, you loved fairgrounds but hadn’t been to one since you’d left for New York with your mum.

“Oh we are not leaving here till you win some stupidly big teddy bear for me” you challenge him.

Joel cocks his eyebrow at you in response which makes you laugh.

“What?! Everyone knows that that’s the sign of a winner and you don’t seem like a quitter to me.”

“I’ll show you what a winner looks like, sweet girl” he growls playfully as he leans over to kiss you, stealing what little breath you had to begin with. “Come on, let’s go.”

You hop out of the truck and nearly skip over to grab his hand and excitedly tug him towards the lights and noise. The smells of fried food and something sweet fills your senses as you make your way further into the fair. It makes you feel nostalgic for your childhood as you gaze around at the rides and stalls around you.

“This way!” You call to Joel, dragging him over to a stall that has those BB guns to shoot targets and win a prize.

“Fancy your luck sweetheart? Hit five targets and win yourself a prize” the guy behind the stall says, his striped waistcoat hanging loosely against his slim frame.

“Think you’re up for it, cowboy?” You ask, turning to Joel who looks bemused by your excitement.

He hands over a few notes and takes the gun in his hand. He lines it up with steady hands, exhaling before his finger curls around the trigger. He hits the targets in effortless succession before placing the gun back down and turning towards you with a cocky smile.

“Was that good enough for you?” He smirks.

“That was amazing” your eyes open in awe at how effortlessly he just did that.

“I keep telling you I’m good with my hands” he whispers darkly into your ear as he walks over to collect his prize.

He turns back to you, a stupidly large teddy bear in his hand and a large grin on his face.

“One stupidly big bear as requested” he says, giving a mock bow as he hands it over to you.

You take it from him and give it a squeeze before wrapping your arm around him and pull him against you.

“Joel…”

“What is it sweetheart?”

The words you want to say are right there, on the tip of your tongue but you chicken out. Not able to say them now despite all the emotions flooding through your body. So you settle for on something easier. “Thank you! Best gift ever!”

You walk around a few more stalls, watching happy couples and families take their turn at playing some of the games. You don’t let go of one another’s hands the whole time.

“You wanna go on one of the rides?” You ask after a while.

It’s dark now, the lights from the rides lighting up both of your faces as you look around.

“How about the ferris wheel?” You say excitedly before he can answer.

Joel looks sceptically at the ride to your left.

“Please?” You say softly.

You watch as he tilts his head back slightly, a slight groan making its way up his throat before he looks down at you again. The light makes his hair and eyes look darker than usual and it has you gulping. The music in the air and the buzz in your veins is making you feel drunk almost.

“Lead the way” he finally responds, his arm resting over your shoulder.

You both walk over to the ride and Joel hands over the money for tickets despite your protests. When your turn comes, you climb into your seat whilst Joel says something to the operator, his back to you so you can’t make out what he’s saying. Eventually, he joins you before the safety bar gets pushed down securing you both in.

You cuddle into the side of him, his warm arm wrapping around you to hold you tight as the ride slowly moves up.

“Today has been amazing” you admit, your eyes focussing ahead as you get lifted up.

“Yeh?”

“Yeh.”

You continue to climb higher into the sky, the world around you gradually expands. The ground below seems to shrink as you rise higher, offering a panoramic view. With the bustling sounds of the fair fading into a distant hum, it’s like there’s a sense of tranquility up here. Like it’s just you and Joel in your own bubble and nothing else exists outside it. When you reach the peak, the ride stops and you sway in the air.

“Shit, has it broken down?”

Joel laughs next to you. “Despite the shitty mechanics of this thing, no. Paid the guy extra to let us stay up here for a bit longer.”

The night air makes your hair flutter in the breeze and fall against your face. He reaches over to brush it back, exposing your face to him once again. Your heart is beating so hard in your chest as you lock eyes with him.

“I really didn’t expect any of this you know” you confess.

“What do you mean?”

“All this” you say, stretching your arms out wide. “You taking me to some fancy hotel and to an art show and then here.”

“Why wouldn’t I?” He replies, looking confused at you.

“Because people don’t just do stuff like this for no reason. I’m not ungrateful, it’s just..” your voice trails off as you stare into the distance, not sure what words or feelings you’re trying to express.

“Hey look at me” his voice is soft.

You turn your eyes to him snd your heart feels like it could actually crack down the middle with how he’s looking at you.

“I did this for three reasons and you’re gonna listen to each one and not interrupt me.”

“But-“

“You’re gonna listen. Got it?” He says firmly, lightly gripping your jaw and moving your head up and down in a nodding gesture. When you don’t go to interrupt him again, he releases your jaw and lays his hand on your thigh.

“Firstly, thought it was the least I could do after bein’ such an asshole to you. You didn’t deserve that and I’m sorry. Second of all, if this is the only chance we get to do something like this.. if you go back to New York, then I wanted you to have some kind of good memory to look back on from being back here.. somethin’ that was just us.” He takes a deep breath before continuing. “And thirdly.. I guess I.. well I care about you. Probably makes me a selfish asshole for saying it and I’m probably going to hell for all the things I’ve done to my best friend’s daughter but you deserve to be told. I really fuckin’ care about you even though you drive me crazy half the time” he finishes with a small laugh whilst he gives your thigh a squeeze.

His words hang in air as you stare back at him, so many thoughts and words going through your mind but you can’t get any of them out. You don’t realise there are tears falling down your cheeks until Joel reaches out to gently wipe them away. Whatever game the two of you had been playing, whatever unspoken line the two of you had drawn in the sand at one undetermined point has been crossed out. In your head, there can be no going back from his confession and it terrifies you and thrills you in equal measures.

“I think you just made it impossible for me to leave this place” your voice is barely a whisper.

“Look, you know I think you should go-“

“No, Joel. You don’t get it.”

“What don’t I get sweetheart?”

You take a shaky breath, finally ready to admit to him the secret that’s been sat deep inside of you, lingering and waiting to be released.

“I love you” the words tumble out of your mouth in a rush and you know there really is no going back now.

You don’t wait for him to say anything in response, instead you pull him towards you and kiss him with everything you’ve got. All your love and pain and every other emotion he’s ever brought out of you pouring into it. He doesn’t fight it, lets you hold him against you as the ride starts to move. When you finally pull away, you bury your face into his chest. He finally says something, you almost miss it as the air rushes around you on your descent back to the ground. But it’s there, barely above a whisper as his arms keep you planted against him.

“I love you too.”

Chapter Text

The ride comes to a stop but you can feel your body still shaking at the events that have just unfolded. You watch as Joel unlatches the safety bar before climbing out and reaching a hand out to you.

“Come on baby” his voice is still soft, you can barely hear it above the thoughts buzzing in your head.

You grasp it and let him pull you up on shaky legs, not forgetting to grab the stupidly sized stuffed bear that was tucked at your side. He leads the two of you through the large crowds, his hand a safety blanket to latch on to whilst you replayed everything said. You loved him. He loved you. Why then did you not feel overcome with happiness by this development.. why did it feel like you had a tangle of snakes writhing around inside your stomach. You follow him in a daze, watching as he occasionally pushes through groups who don’t get out of his way quick enough.

He finally comes to a stop and you nearly walk right into the back of him due to your lack of attention. Luckily he has enough sense to turn and stop you with two firm hands to your shoulders before that happens.

“What do you want to eat?” His big brown eyes are staring down at you, expectant and cautious.

“I don’t.. I don’t want to” you stutter out, your hands tangling at the bottom of his plaid shirt. Is this what a panic attack feels like? You dimly think to yourself. Your heart is racing and your palms feel sweaty.

“You’ve gotta eat something, sweetheart. We’ve not stopped for food all day” his voice is stern but intermingled with concern.

“Can we go back to the hotel?” And sensing how he’s about to fight you on it, you tack on a pleading “please.”

He looks unsure, as if he wants to change your mind on this but he must see the struggle on your face. So he takes your hand in his again and pulls you after him towards the truck. His long legs out stride you and it’s taking all your efforts to keep up and not trip. When you finally arrive, he opens the door for you and takes the bear from your hand before gently closing the door without a word. You watch as he walks around the front of the vehicle and you can see, even in the dimness of the light, how his chest heaves with a deep breath. He opens the driver side door, tosses the bear into the back before climbing in and starting the engine.

“We should talk about-“

“Not yet” your voice cuts in. “Please just.. we’ll talk when we’re in our room.”

Speaking the words out loud sends a thrill down your spine. Our room. Images and thoughts flash through your mind. You know for certain now you want that always. Your shared space. A house, a room, a god damn dog if you both wanted it. A life together away from all this secrecy and without the looming pressures of your parents willing you down a path you didn’t want to go down. You reach out a hand to his that’s resting on the centre console and lace your fingers with his. To your relief, he doesn’t pull away, he squeezes your fingers between his own and it loosens the knots slightly that are wrapped around your heart. There’s a tension in the air, fuelled by unspoken words and it’s like static electricity. Both of you just waiting to be sparked to life by it but neither wanting to feel the pain that might follow. So you drive in silence whilst that pressure steadily builds and threatens to boil over. Every so often you risk a glance over at Joel and his expression is the same each time. His eyebrows furrowed, his face tense but his eyes don’t leave the road even though you want them to. You want to see his eyes, see what thoughts are behind them. Was he regretting his words to you? Maybe you should have let him speak before you got to the hotel.

Before you can torture yourself too much with that thought, the truck is pulling into the carpark. You hear the turn of the keys in the ignition and the purring of the engine cuts out. You climb out of the truck and walk towards the hotel entrance, the crunch of gravel lets you know Joel is close behind.

The lobby is quiet and you take a small amount of relief in seeing that miss bright smile from earlier isn’t manning the reception. You were feeling so tightly strung right now that you were liable to throw fists before you knew what you were doing.

You hit the button for the elevator and wait with bated breath for it to arrive. You feel a warm hand wrap around your waist and that familiar voice whisper in your ear. “Darlin’.”

The door pings and opens to an empty lift before you can reply. You step in and turn to face Joel who looks just as on edge as you feel. His eyes narrow as he stalks towards you, his arms caging you in against the wall as the door closes. You can feel the adrenaline and need pumping through your veins as you tilt your head up to look at him. There’s not much time before you’ll be on your floor.

“Say it again.”

His eyebrow arches in question but his eyes narrow again in understanding.

“I love you” he says with unyielding certainty.

And that’s what breaks you.

You grab the collar of his shirt, pulling him towards you with no finesse or thought. He doesn’t hesitate as he follows your lead, pushing you harder against the wall as his weight bares down on you. There’s nothing romantic about it, nothing soft or delicate as the two of you grab and reach for each other. His mouth is on your lips and his hands are on your face then in your hair and then on your body like he can’t quite decide what he wants more. You moan into his mouth and he doesn’t hesitate to explore your mouth with his tongue, both of you needing more more more. There was a desperate hunger to this kiss that both of you know the answer to. You feel his fingers graze against the skin of your thighs, leaving a burning trail that has you panting and aching to feel him. When he pushes his hand under the band of your underwear and feels how wet you are, he lets out a groan that sounds almost painful.

“You’re killing me sweet girl” he grits out, his fingers teasing as they glide through your heat.

He angles his head down to kiss you harder as his fingers play with you and it’s taking what little sanity you had away. You can feel the hard length of him pressing against you and it heightens your desperatiion for him. Both of you are clinging to each other in any way you can whilst your kiss is fuelled more and more by desperate passion.

The elevator comes to a stop and the doors ding open but it doesn’t stop either of you. Joel rips his hand out of your panties but grabs you as he retreats out. He pulls you after him, your mouths not separating as you back down the hall towards your room. When you reach it, he reluctantly pulls away to grab his wallet out of his back pocket and brings out the keycard.

You don’t take in any of the room as he tugs you in after him, his mouth attaching to yours in a display of dominance that makes you feel lightheaded. It felt like vindication in your feelings towards him. He wanted you just as much as you wanted him. Needed him like the air you needed to breathe.

You both teared your clothes off in what felt like record time, barely breaking your kiss whilst always maintaining eye contact which heated your blood. His dark brown eyes almost black in the low lighting of the room, his beautiful curls a mess on his head from your fingers and his lips swollen from your attack. He looks devastatingly handsome staring back at you. All you feel right now, deep inside you, is love. Fierce, undeniable, unequivocal love. There was no running from it and you didn’t want to. You wanted it to consume you from the inside out until there was nothing left but your two intertwined hearts beating in sync.

Joel pushes you down on the bed, following above you till you’re caged in under him and can feel the heat of his body and the beating of his heart as his chest lays on yours. His eyes searched yours, looking for some answer to an unspoken question and all you could do was stare back at him.

“Say it again” he growls.

“I love you” you whisper, feeling it with your whole being with just three simple words.

His mouth crashes against yours, taking everything you’re willing to give.

“Again” his breath fans out against your mouth.

“I love you. Joel, I love you.”

He lets out a loud moan before taking your mouth in his. It’s not as frantic as before. It’s patient and loving and all consuming as his hands roam your body and explore every inch of you. It feels like you have a fever with how hot you burn for this man. How your skin reacts to each caress and touch. When his patience wears thin, his soft kisses turn to bites and his caresses turn to harsh grips on your skin that you know will leave bruises but you welcome it all. You want more. Can never get enough.

“Joel” you whimper, your body squirming underneath his.

“I know baby, I know. Take it. Take everythin’ I’ve got to give you” his voice is low and you can hear the fragility of his control in it.

Without warning he reaches down and lines himself up with your entrance before driving in. With every thrust you can feel him owning you, claiming you, taking you as his. It drives you crazy as your nails claw at his back causing him to moan into your neck. But you suddenly stiffen, remember one of your previous arguments.

“Fuck, Joel.. wait. You didn’t put on a -“

“I know.. fuck I know. Please, just needed to feel you. Just for a second” his voice is pleading.

You’re too caught up in the moment to argue the point. You want the same thing as him. Nothing is a barrier between the two of you and you need it right now.

“I love you” you stutter and pant out, repeating it like a prayer that will bring you resolution.

He sits back and brings you with him in answer, your chests pressed together as sweat covers you both, continuing to thrust up into you as he sears you with his mouth. You tangle your fingers in his hair and pull his forehead against yours.

“No matter what happens, my heart will always be with you” you gasp out just as he thrusts up into you again.

“Fuck baby” he groans. “Don’t say things you can’t promise.”

“I do promise, Joel. I do, please believe me.”

“Killing me” he growls, pushing you back down onto the bed.

He continues to rock into you whilst you kiss his jaw, his neck, his chest, anything you can reach.

“Fuck ‘m not gonna last much longer” he pants against the heated skin of your neck. “Where do you.. where can I -“

“Wherever you want” your voice is a needy whine, too pent up to choose for him.

With a groan, he pulls out suddenly, jerking his cock several time before you feel the warm threads of his cum coat your stomach. He sinks against you, nearly suffocating you with his weight and warmth but you wouldn’t have it any other way. As he lies against you, still connected, you gently stroke his hair and scrape your fingers against his scalp which makes him sigh against you.

“Don’t think I’ll ever get used to this” he mutters against your chest.

You laugh, feeling light and unburdened at last. God you went to spend every night like this with this man.

“We need to shower. We’re disgusting” you tease.

He lifts his head to look up at you, he looks half amused and half exasperated. “Fine, let’s go” he huffs out, adorable pouty lips on full display.

“You go, I’ll be there in a second.”

He gives an over dramatic sigh before dragging himself off you and sauntering to the bathroom.

You take a moment to compose yourself, you’re still brimming with energy and.. happiness? Is that what this was? You searched for your phone to see if you had any messages since you disappeared today. Lo and behold, you had two missed calls from your dad and a message from him asking you to call him back. With a sigh, you toss your phone to the side and ignore it before following Joel to the shower. Whatever else going on could wait.

*********

You shower with Joel before he insists in you sleeping in one of his t shirts that he brought. You weren’t going to complain though, getting to drift off whilst wrapped in his sent sounded like heaven to you.

Your head was resting on Joel’s chest whilst his arm was wrapped around you and your legs tangled under the sheets. It felt safe and comforting being there and you were dead to the world in minutes.

********

You’re dreaming of Joel as cliche as it is. It’s not a bad dream but not necessarily a good dream either. He’s looking at you from across the room, his dark eyes fixated on you and a half smirk on his face that tells you without words to come to him. You want to.. god you want to with every fibre in your body but it’s like something is holding you back. You can feel the frustration seeping into your body as you try to reach him. But no matter what you do, you can’t move. That feeling grows and grows until it reaches its crescendo and you suddenly jerk awake. Your eyes adjust to the light filtering in to the room as your pulse raises and you recognise a familiar feeling against your skin. You prop yourself up on your elbows and glance down to witness the definition of sin. Joel is buried between your legs, dressed in grey sweatpants whilst his broad back is on full display to you.

“Fuck” you manage to gasp out. “What are you doing?”

“Having breakfast” he replies simply, the smirk that accompanies it is enough to make you feel like you’re on the verge of a heart attack, before he continues his ministrations.

You throw your head back into the pillow as he continues to lick and coax you towards a lazy orgasm that has you clenching the sheets beneath you. When you finally stop your body from shivering, he drags himself up your body to kiss you just as lazily.

“Do you know you snore?” He asks with a grin, rolling over to lie next to you.

“I do not!” You exclaim, thumping his chest.

He lets out a laugh that’s so rich and carefree that it makes you smile despite yourself and you cuddle into his side.

“Best wake up call ever” you sigh, happy and content in every way.

“Glad you think so” he mutters, kissing the top of your head.

“I could get used to this.”

“Me too.”

You lie in comfortable silence before your stomach rumbles and the spell is broken.

“Ok time for actual breakfast” he says firmly.

“Can we stay here? I don’t want to leave yet” you admit.

The sudden reminder that you’re going to have to leave this bubble soon and return home has you nearly insisting that you don’t want breakfast but you don’t want to ruin Joel’s mood. Not when he’s this happy.

“Sure, I’ll order room service. What do you want?” He asks, it’s as simple as that with him.

********

Whilst you wait for breakfast to arrive, you check your phone again. There’s another missed call from your dad and it ties your stomach in knots again.

“What is it?” Joel asks finally, he’s staring at you with concern in his eyes and it makes you want to pretend like nothing is wrong.

He knows you though. He reaches his arm out and takes your phone and sees the list of missed calls.

“You told him you were going out, right?”

“Yeh I left a note but he’s been trying to get hold of me since last night.”

“Just call him back, I’m sure it’s nothing-“

As if on queue, the phone starts to ring. But it’s not yours. It’s Joel’s. Your eyes widen at him whilst he stares at the screen.

“It’s your dad” he says bluntly, scowling at the screen like its personally offended him.

“Answer it! It’s too suspicious if we’re both ignoring him.”

He rolls his eyes but accepts it. “Hey” he says, his deep voice neutral at best.

You spend the next few minutes trying to listen in to the conversation but it’s no use, you can’t hear anything. Joel mostly stays quiet despite the occasional ‘yes’ or ‘no’. It gives you nothing. When he finally ends the call and looks at you, you get that familiar sensation of feeling apprehensive.

“So? What did he want?”

You watch as Joel straightens up and drag his hand through his messy hair. Not good signs.

“Asked if I was free today to see him. Said he needs to talk to me about something but doesn’t want to do it over the phone.”

Fuck, is the only thing you can think of.

Chapter Text

“How are you sitting there looking so calm?”

“Should I not be?” His tone is measured, his head turned to look at you with indifferent eyes.

“Well I don’t know! Don’t you think it’s weird how he’s tried to get hold of both of us and now he wants to talk to you face to face?” You can’t keep the exasperation out of your voice.

Joel sighs. Loudly. Before rotating his neck like he’s trying to ease the tension in the muscles there.

“Look sweetheart. The way I see it, there’s nothing to worry about. He doesn’t know we’re here so there’s no point getting your pretty little head worked up about it” he says with a shrug.

“And it’s just that easy? Really” you arch an eyebrow at him.

“You let me worry about all that” he drawls, glancing at the watch on his wrist. “We have about 20 minutes before breakfast should be delivered.”

“Ok and that helps this situation how?” You’re getting twitchy, you can feel it thrumming through your body.

You watch as a mischievous grin spreads across his face and his eyes narrow at you.

“Joel..” your voice is low and full of cautious warning. You know that look.

You watch as he kneels at the end of the bed, he’s still in his sweatpants and t shirt, his curls messy from his hands dragging nervously through them and fuck, that sight alone has you quickly forgetting what you were even worried about in the first place. Before you can say anything, his strong hands are wrapping around your ankles and dragging you to meet him down the bed.

You let out a yelp in response. “What are you doing?” Your voice is coming out slightly breathless and your heart is beating hard against your ribcage. God damn this man and his ability to get you so flustered so easily.

“What did I tell you?” His voice low as he plants a kiss against your ankle.

“I don’t.. ermm..” quite frankly your mind is so short circuited right now that you think you’d struggle to answer what 1+1 is if you had a gun pressed against your head.

“Come on baby” his tone is teasing as he continues kissing up your leg, barely fleeting kisses that burn your skin and leave you wanting more.

“Damn it Joel, I can’t remember what you -“

You’re cut off when he playfully bites at the inside of your thigh, making you jerk against him as you gasp.

“I said don’t worry your pretty little head” his breath now fanning across the apex on your thighs. “You gonna listen to me?” he sounds dangerous, his fingers pushing up under the hem of your.. his shirt that you’ve still got on.

“Joel..”

“Sorry baby, I should have made it clearer. That wasn’t a question. You’re gonna listen to me. You’re gonna lie back and you’re gonna think about nothing but me ‘n you here. Nothing else. Just me ‘n you. Got it” he growls against your skin, brushing his fingers over your underwear which elicits another moan from you.

He doesn’t let you try and respond. He grabs the edges of your underwear and pulls it down your legs before tossing them onto the floor. You go to sit up to pull off the t shirt but he stops you.

“No, you’re keeping that on.”

You give him a questioning look which he’s happy to answer with a smirk on his face. “Gonna fuck you whilst you wear my clothes baby. Then I’m gonna take it home with me and remember how pretty you looked moaning my name whilst wearing it.”

Yup, you’re fucked. In every sense of the word.

You let him pull you down further so he’s hovering above you, his eyes are dark and staring deep into your soul as he wraps a hand through your hair and leans down to whisper in your ear. “You ready for me darlin’?”

It sends a shiver down your spine and you nod your head as best as you can whilst he’s still got a tight grip on your hair.

He grins at your response, letting go of you to pull his clothes off whilst you can only lie and watch his measured movements. He’s methodical and measured with everything he’s doing right now. The complete opposite to you. When he moves back to settle between your legs and look down at you, you can’t help from leaning up to kiss the sparse dusting of freckles that appear on his neck and the top of his chest.

You watch as his eyes shut at the touch of your mouth against his skin. “Fuck baby, yes” he hisses, his hand gripping your hair again.

When he opens his eyes again, you don’t miss the fiery burn that is intensifying with every second he gazes at you. He crashes his mouth to yours, full of dominance that you don’t even want to fight against at this moment. You are his and he is yours but in this moment he is the one pulling the strings that entwine both your bodies together. When you feel the head of his length push into you, you let out a groan that he instinctively leans down to capture with his mouth. He continues to slide in till his hips are pressed against yours. The feeling of being completely filled by him will never grow old. You can’t help the groan of pleasure that escapes your lips as he rocks his hips into you. He responds by dropping his head to suck your nipple into his mouth before biting it gently which has you arching up to meet him.

“God Joel, yes, please don’t stop” you beg.

He sucks and bits harder whilst thrusting into you harder and faster. You can feel that familiar feeling between your legs building as he drives you to break underneath him. You feel like you’re floating towards something as his other hand wraps around your throat firmly, only increasing the pleasure.

“You don’t have to worry about anything. Got it?” He grits out as he moves inside you. “Tell me you understand.”

“Yes” you stutter out as best as you can.

“Good girl” he growls, his hand squeezing tighter that has black spots clouding your vision.

Your body feels like a pool of water that’s had a live wire dropped in it and the only word on your tongue is Joel.

He kisses you hard again and you are his equal towards it. You reach your arm down his back, dragging your nails down his back which makes him groan against you. When you scrape your nails over his ass, his thrusts speed up. You feel yourself clench hard against him in response which is apparently testing his patience. He pulls out of you and you go to shout at him before he’s gripping your thighs, leaning back and pushing you back till you’re folded in half and your legs are draped over his shoulders. He pounds back into you and from this angle he feels even deeper and you can’t help the scream of his name escaping that echoes in the quiet room. He wraps his arms around your thighs to pin you in place as he continues to break you apart.

The only word you can say is Joel. It’s a prayer, a chant, a promise.

“That’s it baby girl, give me everything” he groans, his thrusts getting sloppy as he nears his own climax.

His words are enough to shatter you and you don’t fear that. You know he will always carefully pick up all the broken pieces and put them back together no matter how much he gets cut and that’s enough to have your heart melt along with the rest of your body. Whilst you lay under him still shaking, he pushes into you two more times before pulling out with a moan of your name before quickly pushing up the hem of your shirt and coating your stomach in hot ropes of his cum. You’re still trying to catch your breath and calm your racing heart as he lies down on top of you. It doesn’t help your trying to catch your breath situation because he’s so damn heavy but you let him be. Content to lie with him acting like a blanket over your body whilst you both recover. Your fingers scrape through his scalp which he hums appreciatively in response which only makes your smile grow wider. He’s gone from prowling beast to purring house cat settled on your body and it just makes you love him more.

He finally lifts his head to lock eyes with you and they’re soft brown once again. You know he feels just as content as you do. You may be a hurricane at the best of times, tearing through anything that gets in your way with zero consideration. But he’s the coriolis force that destroys the eye of the storm. You’re two unstoppable forces that when combined, create something blinding whilst grounding each other into something peaceful.

“I do really love you” you whisper.

“I love you too” he replies easily, pressing a kiss to the fabric of the shirt below your collarbone.

A short knock on the door breaks the spell between the two of you. The man must have magic powers because you’d completely forgotten about all of your worries and the hunger pangs in your stomach. You watch as he moves from you, bending down to pick up his sweats and pull them up over his hips. He goes to walk over to answer the door before you’re whining at him and shuffling underneath the sheet covers. “Put on a god damn shirt!”

You don’t care if it’s a man or woman stood behind that panel of wood, you don’t want anyone else to see him shirtless. God you were turning into one of those possessive bitches you used to laugh at for being pathetic and clingy. Yet you really couldn’t find it in yourself to care.

He flashes a smirk at you, grabbing a t shirt as he walks past and tugs it over his head before opening the door.

One of the hotel workers wheels a trolly inside that’s laden with plates and it has your mouth watering. Once they leave, Joel turns to you with a soft look.

“What do you want first, sweetheart?”

**********

Despite your concerns you end up devouring your body weight in food. You should probably thank Joel for that considering he insisted on feeding you bites of food, pushing his thick fingers into your mouth along with whatever delicacy was being offered. You didn’t complain though. You took it and sucked his fingers whenever they retreated which had him clenching his hands against his sides once you were finished.

“Feeling better now?” He mummers as he sorts out the array of plates back into presentable stacks on the trolly whilst his back is turned to you.

You hum in response. It’s neither a confirmation nor a denial to what you’re feeling right now.

“Hey, look at me” he says gently, turning to look at you.

You fight fiercely to blink back the tears that are threatening to fall. You’re just a cocktail of emotions right now and you don’t know why you’re suddenly overcome with this feeling.

Joel sighs at you, bending down to kneel on the floor and look at you. “Calm down now, there’s nothing you need to be worryin’ about.” His finger brushes against softly against your cheek.

“What if he knows?” You whimper pathetically.

“Why would he know darlin’?” He says it so gently like he’s coaxing a small child to figure out the obvious without patronising them.

He has you at that. Your dad has no reason to suspect anything. Yet you can’t shake the feeling something is off. It’s in your gut and it’s rarely wrong.

“Do you trust me?” He presses.

“Of course” you reply, no sense of hesitation.

“Then believe me when I say nothing is wrong.”

You go to reply but he cuts in. “And if anything is wrong then I’ll fix it. Or we’ll fix it. Together.” His fingers lace between yours and you’re nodding at him, hanging on to every word.

“Good” he mumbles. “Now pack up your things and we’ll get outta here.” He presses a quick kiss to your forehead as he starts chucking things into his bag.

You snort, watching the chaos that is Joel Miller packing a bag. For someone so organised with most things in his life, he can’t pack a bag for shit. It’s strangely endearing you think to yourself as you huff and start to get your own things together.

**********

Once everything is ready to go, Joel hoists both bags over his shoulder before taking your hand in his.

“I don’t want to leave this place,” you sigh, looking around the room. “It was nice just being somewhere alone with you, no interruptions.”

“I know baby, we’ll do this again soon. There’s a place I used to go camping with Sarah when she was little. You’d love it” he says, walking the both of you to the elevator.

“Camping?” You deadpan, scrunching your nose up at the thought. It wasn’t something you’d ever done before but the idea of being ‘one with nature’ had never really appealed to you.

Joel sees your expression and laughs. “I think you’d enjoy it.”

“I dunno… all those bugs and sleeping on the ground.”

“Ever been fucked under the stars, pretty girl?” He whispers into your ear as the elevator opens and you step in, joining a family that are already in there.

You blush, swatting his chest which only makes him laugh louder. “Menace” you hiss at him but can’t hide your smirk. Maybe camping isn’t such a bad idea.

********

The drive back is quiet. The radio is on low to some classic rock station which was the only station Joel said he’d agree to without “driving himself off a cliff”. His words, not yours. Although he did politely say he’d drop you off somewhere safe before he did that. Ever the gentleman and all that. You were happy though, content to listen to the music whilst holding his hand on your lap and letting the warmth of him sink in to your bones. It always does keep you calm just having him close to you. And you need that calm and comfort right now because every mile you cover, the sadness of leaving your bubble with him keeps clogging up your brain. Joel keeps his eyes on the road, occasionally tapping his fingers against the steering wheel and on one occasion you even caught him softly singing along to one of the songs.

“Do you ever sing in public?” You ask, just wanting to hear his voice.

“No.”

“Will you sing for me though?”

“No.”

“Pretty please?” You beg. “You saw my art! Which I’m still pissed about by the way. You weren’t supposed to see that.”

“You forgave me for that though. Think I more than made up for it” he glances over at you and smirks.

Damn it. He’s right. Plus you really suck at holding a grudge when it comes to him. The dickhead knows you can stay mad at him.

“You’re trying to distract me! Come onnnn. Just one song?”

“No.” He repeats firmly but then he surprises you. “I used to play some guitar.. back in the day. Think I’ve got one somewhere in the house. I’m probably rusty as shit but if I find it, I’ll play you something.”

You stare at him with your mouth hanging open. Jesus Christ, this man plays the guitar? As if wasn’t sexy as sin already, he goes and hits you with that information. He can’t be this good looking, kind, caring AND talented. It’s just not fair.

“If you want, of course?” He interrupts your thoughts.

“Are you kidding me right now?! You play the guitar and you never thought to tell me?”

“Never came up” he shrugs but is smirking at you again.

“How many other secret talents do you have up your sleeve, Miller” your eyes narrowed at him.

“Guess you’ll just have to wait and find out” he teases.

It’s a good thing he’s driving because otherwise you’d be climbing on to him and not letting go.

After what feels like hardly any time at all, you’re pulling into your street and that anxious feeling bubbles up in your stomach. You’re not ready to go be away from Joel yet. You don’t think you ever really will be. Especially after the last two days, he had firmly rooted himself deep in your heart and there’s no way to remove him without bleeding out.

“Shit..” Joel mutters under his breath.

You were too caught up in your head to see what he saw. Your dad is stood at the end of the driveway washing his truck.

“Fuck! What do we do?” You near enough shout.

“It’s fine, just follow my lead” he mutters, giving your hand one last squeeze before pulling away.

You want to grab it back, you’re already missing the safety he gives you whenever he’s got a hold of you. You’re not sure if you’re on the verge of a panic attack but you do as he says and keep calm like he is. He pulls to the side of the driveway before shutting off the engine and climbing out.

“Hey Joel!” You hear your dad call out, he mustn’t have realised you were sat in the truck too. With a deep breath, you open the door and climb out after him.

“Kiddo? What you doin’ there?” He looks confused, eyes going back between the two of you.

“Bumped into her when I was getting gas” Joel calmly explains. “Said she was just on her way back from time with her friend so I offered her a ride.”

You feel like you can’t breathe right now but you nod your head casually at your dad, confirming the story and hoping he doesn’t ask any more questions.

“Oh right.. thanks for that bud. Didn’t have to do that” your dad replies, still looking between the two of you.

Does he believe it? God you hope so, you can’t do this right now.

“Sorry I missed your calls dad, you know what me and Charlotte are like when we get together” you say in a bright as possible tone, trying to keep up this charade. Fuck, did you sound too chirpy? You probably should have toned it back. God, how was Joel acting so calm? He almost looks bored.

“No worries Kid, just wanted to check and make sure you were alright. I got your note.”

Does he sound like his usual self right now? You can’t tell, you feel like you’ve got a giant sign pointing on you that screams “I’m a liar, I totally spent the night with your best friend on top of me”. And maybe a smaller sign next to it with “oh and we love each other”. Yup, you’re fucked.

“Anyway, best be getting home myself. Have a lot of work I’ve gotta get sorted but dropped this one off first” Joel points his thumb in your direction.

“Hey, mind if I come over?” Your dad jumps in. “Still need to talk to you about that thing I mentioned last night.”

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

“Er.. yeh sure. Come over whenever you’re ready” Joel shrugs as he heads back to climb into his truck.

You stand there awkwardly watching this play out. Would it be weird if you suggested you came over too? Before you can say anything though, your dad is turning back to look at you.

“Hey kiddo, why don’t you go drop your stuff and make some lunch for us? I won’t be long.”

“It’s alright, I’ll come -“

“No. I’ll be back soon, alright. Just go get settled back in.”

With that he turns, leaving you to stand there as he walks down the road towards Joel’s.

Chapter Text

Joel knew he wasn’t an idiot. Well.. not completely. He prided himself on being in control of his emotions at this stage in his life but when it came to you.. yeh he was done for. The high he got from being around you was something he wanted to feel forever. You loved him. All the broken, stubborn, messed up pieces. You still wanted him. He didn’t know what he did to deserve to have you tell him that you loved him but he wasn’t going to argue it. Hearing you say those words for the first time had him feeling like he was in an out of body experience. When he had you under him and panting with love in your eyes, it was the first time in a long time that he’d felt complete peace. He was addicted to that feeling.

He felt like he’d lost you without really ever having you when he ran, like a coward, to Tommy’s. Beat himself up relentlessly whilst he was away from you once your mum had paid him a visit and your pleading calls had tried to reach him. He wanted to talk to you, god he did, but he couldn’t do it. To him or you. He thought he was protecting both your hearts without realising he was tearing both to shreds. Now he had you, it was like a god damn miracle. Like a lion roaring victoriously in his chest that he hadn’t fucked this up like every other moment in his life. He was so confident in everything he did until it came to you. You were his weakness in every sense of the word. He was obsessed with your face, your body, your smell, your bratty attitude. All of it made his entire being light up like a Christmas tree. He was done fighting it, done running and done being a coward. You deserved him to be there and fight for you because he loved you too. You’d come into his life and tipped his carefully constructed, boring life on its head. He was doing things he would never do just because he knew you’d love it. Knew it’d make you smile one of those rare smiles that only he could bring out of you and it made him feel like a king.

So now he found himself storming into his house with an inner turmoil that had him itching to punch a hole through the wall because he couldn’t control his emotions. If he took a moment, he’d probably smirk, thinking how it reminded him of you and your hurricane reactions. Instead he was trying to come up with convincing reasons why he’d had you sat in his truck, pulling up to his best friend’s house. Instead all he had in his head was that he had a t shirt smelling just like you, safely packed in his bag, whilst probably covered in strings of his cum stained into the fabric whilst he fucked you into another world and had you crying his name. Fuck, now was not the time for his dick to be twitching at that thought. He was semi confident that your dad had bought the story, he didn’t seem pissed off and hadn’t punched his lights out like he’d expect if he did actually know. But he felt uneasy, on edge which was probably fuelled by guilt for being in this place to begin with. Yet he didn’t regret it. Wouldn’t take it back or do anything different. He loves you.

He finds himself standing in the kitchen staring out the window when he hears the knock on the door. Steadying his breathing, he walks to the door and opens it. Your dad is stood there, small smile on his face in greeting.

“Come in” Joel says, opening the door wider.

Your dad walks in and heads straight to the lounge area like he has a thousand times before because this is like a second him to him after all this time.

“You want a drink” he calls out to your dad.

“Yeh I’ll take a bear, bud” he calls back.

Joel grabs two bottles and heads into the lounge before handing one over and then twisting the cap off of his own and taking a pull.

He sits down on the sofa away from your dad and just waits. Sitting like a statue and waiting for the inevitable shit to hit the fan. He works on controlling his breathing like it’s a mantra and tries so hard to stop the shaking in his hands. He wishes you were here next to him.. your mere presence always makes him feel calm.

“So, what did you need to talk to me about?” His voice finally breaks the silence.

Your dad is gripping the neck of the bottle whilst looking conflicted.

“Laura did something..” his voice rails off. Just the mention of your mum’s name has him on edge. Nothing good comes from her.

“Ok.. what did she do..” he’s trying to keep his tone even though confusion clouds his thoughts. This was not the way he thought the conversation was going to go.

Taking another swig of bear, he replies. “She’s booked a plane ticket for next week. She wants her back in New York before graduation and I don’t think I can stop her” he admits.

The beast inside Joel’s chest roars. No. How dare anyway take you away without your blessing. Without him getting a say.

“You ok?”

Joel doesn’t even realise his fist is gripping the neck of his bottle so hard that it’s close to shattering and his jaw is set just as firmly. No. No, he wasn’t ok. He knew how you’d freak out at this information being forced on you.

“Surely you’re not going to force that on her” Joel finally manages to push out, trying to remain impassive despite the blood rushing to his head in frustration and panic.

“What am I supposed to do? She got custody and I’m powerless to stop her from enforcing it” your dad says, his head in his hands.

“She’s not a child anymore” Joel grits through his teeth. “You don’t have to agree to shit.”

“I don’t want to mess her up anymore than she is and having this turn into some big scene” he admits.

Joel can’t stop his hands from clenching into tight fists at that remark. You’re not messed up. You’re perfect. Every single inch of you. You’re like nothing he’s ever encountered.

“She’s an adult, if she doesn’t want to go then she doesn’t have to” Joel mutters, glaring at the floor.

Your dad raises an eyebrow but doesn’t push it. “I know she can do what she wants but if she doesn’t go back then Laura is going to create a new kind of hell… I don’t know what to do” he admits, his voice sounds pained.

Without thinking about it, Joel stands up and starts pacing around the room before stopping to look out of the window. He drags his fingers through his hair and lets out a shaky breath whilst trying to get his thoughts together. In his mind, he’s got three options to consider. He could just stay out of the whole situation and bide him time till he can think of something better. He half shakes his head at that, it’s a shitty idea and he made a promise to you that he wouldn’t just drop you again. He couldn’t hurt you like that again. The second option was to continue trying to get your dad to see reason and convince him to put his foot down and let you make your own choices. Realistically speaking, that’s the most sensible option. Or the third option which he knows he really shouldn’t do.. not without discussing it with you first. Yet the temptation is right there, on the tip of his tongue, ready to just blurt it out and deal with the consequences later down the line.

“Joel?” Your dad’s voice breaks through his train of thought and drags him back to this awkward conversation which he wished he didn’t have to be a part of.

“Let me talk to her first.”

The words leave his mouth so quickly that Joel even surprises himself that he was the one to speak them. He dares a glance to your dad who looks just as dumbfounded.

“Why would that help?”

“Just… let me do it. Might come better from me? Being impartial ‘n all.” God he feels like he’s going to be sick. He can already picture how you’re going to look when he sits you down and talks about this with you.

Your dad sits quietly as if to considers his words and Joel hopes like hell that he doesn’t ask any follow up questions. Questions that he won’t have a good response to, because all he can think about is giving you this news and delivering it in a way that won’t have you freaking out.

“Yeh… alright, ok. Talk to her and see if you can make her see it’s for the best” your dad finally says.

It’s not for the best, not by a long shot, Joel thinks. But it gives him time.. gives you both time to try and work this out. Together. That’s what was important.

***********

Thankfully your dad had allowed Joel to head over to your house by himself. Said he was going to drive around for a bit to clear his head before he came home. That left Joel plenty of time to talk to you alone.

He went into your house without knocking, he didn’t feel like he needed you to welcome him in. He walked purposefully through your house and wasn’t too surprise that you weren’t in the lounge or the kitchen. He knew you’d be anxious and take sanctuary in your safe place. Coming to a stop outside your bedroom door, he took a moment to take a deep breath before knocking gently and opening the door. Sure enough, you were laid curled up in bed with your blanket wrapped around you. Your beautiful eyes were wide as they looked up and locked on him.

“Hey” your voice floats to his ears, instantly calming him slightly.

“Hi” he manages to push out, his voice more gruff than he wanted.

He moves through your room before climbing onto your bed and tucking your warm body against his. Just holding you against his chest.

“What did he want?” Your voice is so soft, so innocent that it makes his chest ache for what he’s about to tell you.

“He um.. well it’s your mum.”

He feels your body stiffen against him at that.

“She’s booked you a plane ticket.. next week. She wants you back there for your graduation.”

Silence fills the room as the information sinks in to you.

“Ok… well did you say that was a stupid fucking idea?” Your voice is blunt and it makes Joel squeeze you tighter to him.

“I did but your dad… he’s..” he doesn’t know how to finish that sentence. He feels like he’s drowning right now.

He hears you breathe out a laugh against his chest. “Right .. of course you didn’t put up a fight. Guess I shouldn’t have expected anything else.”

Joel’s jaw aches from how tight he’s clenching it. Feels you turns your head away from him.

He knows you’re angry. Once again having your choices taken away from you. He knows people do stupid things when they’re angry but he’s not going to let you direct it at him. You’re trying to push him away but he’s not going away. Not again.

“Don’t do this.. don’t push me away.”

He hears you tut at him. Watches as your chest rises and falls with shallow breaths and you look utterly miserable.

“This is killing me. I don’t want you to go” he finally admits, his voice breaking with emotion.

“You should have just told the truth. Told my dad we were together and we were happy and that I wasn’t going anywhere” your quiet voice pipes up.

Joel shifts awkwardly against you. “I didn’t want to tell him without discussing it with you first.”

“I wanted to..” he admits, his voice sounding small and pathetic.

You shake your head at him and continue staring off into the corner of the room.

“This isn’t the worst thing” he tries to say confidently. “You go there, you graduate and then if you want then you can come back. I’ll be here. I’ll be waiting for you” he manages to say, trying to be as upbeat and positive as he can.

“I’ll be away from you.”

Your words cut him more than any blade could.

“It’ll be ok. I can promise you that it won’t be forever. It’ll be a few weeks at most. If you want to come back to me then I’ll be here. Waitin’ for ya with open arms” he says, nuzzling into your hair and praying you feel the weight of his words.

“You mean that” you mumble against his hold.

“I swear it. Never meant anything more in my life. Any time you want to come back to me, I’ll be here to catch you” his voice breaks at the end, tears stinging his eyes as he tries to get you closer to him. “I love you. Ain’t no one else I’m gonna be waiting for, pretty girl” he says, brushing your hair away from your eyes.

Fuck, your eyes are killing him. All big and glistening with tears as you stare back at him. You seem to believe his words because you relax into his body, the two of you sharing your warmth and not wanting to give an inch.

“I know you’re hurtin’ baby… I promise it won’t be this way forever” he says as he presses his lips gently against your forehead. “You’ll get through this time and then you’ll be free. Free to do whatever you want. Free to rule anythin’ you put your mind to.”

“I don’t want to leave you” you finally sob, the tears breaking free as you cry into his chest.

“It’s not forever” he soothes you, his large palm caressing against your back.

You continue to sob against him and he lies there, holding you tight against him. He wishes more than anything he could take away your sadness but the truth is he feels just as broken as you. He doesn’t want to let you go, even though there’s a strong part of him saying the two of you will never be able to leave one another. There’s some tether tying you together and he’d be a fool to deny it.

You finally seem to tire yourself out crying, sinking into his hold. Joel doesn’t know what to do other than hold you as safety as he can in his arms whilst he rests his chin on your head gently.

“We’ll make this work. I won’t let you go… you’re safe baby girl” he whispers to no one but himself.

Chapter Text

Joel’s arms wrapped around you is what keeps you grounded in this moment. The warm feel of his skin touching yours, the steady beating of his heart next to you, letting you know that he’s here. He’s present. He’s got you. It’s enough to pull you from your melancholy so that when you blink up at him, beneath puffy and red eyes, you can’t help giving him a watery smile. He hasn’t run. Hadn’t left you to face this battle alone. It meant everything to you in this moment.

“Thank you” you say, sniffing as another tear rolls down your cheek.

“Ain’t nothing to thank me for baby” he replies, brushing the tear away with his thumb gently.

“No there is.. just.. let me have this.”

Even in your sad state, you still managed to be a sassy pain in the ass and it made Joel smile for a brief moment. He said nothing but gave you a squeeze which is enough to placate you.

“We should plan something… do fun things till I have to go” your voice breaks at the end of that sentence, another sob threatening to break loose.

“Whatever you want, we’ll do” he replies reassuringly, stroking the bottom of your back. “But it’s not forever, you know that.”

Realistically you know that’s probably the case but it’s like there’s a part of your brain saying that this is it. This is goodbye. You’ll never see him again the moment you wave goodbye and get to the airport and get on that plane. So in that moment, you make a promise to yourself. A promise to enjoy this time you have left together before you leave and possibly never see the man you love again. Because if life has taught you anything so far, it’s that you’re not the one who gets what they want. You’re never the winner.

“I want to have another date with you” you finally say.

When you feel him tense up slightly, you cut in. “Not around anyone else. Just you and me. In your backyard or something” you clarify.

“Yeh ok, we can do that. I’ll get a blanket and get some food.. we can go swimmin’ if you want” he says softly.

“Yeh. That sounds good” you reply, nuzzling into him. “And I want to lie out in your truck bed, we can drive out to the overlook and look up at the stars together.”

Joel laughs at that but his hand is soothing over your hair. “Ok baby girl, whatever you want.”

You stay there wrapped up in his arms for what seems like far too short an amount of time before he’s reluctantly peeling away from you.

“We should go downstairs.. your dad will be back soon” he explains.

You follow him despite the protest building in your head that you just want to reveal the truth already. Surely that would make everything so much easier. Ease the weight that’s sitting heavily on your chest. Yet you don’t say a word.

You both head into the kitchen and grab some water from the fridge whilst you wait for your dad to return.

“I’m so mad at him” you say, staring down at the bottle in your hands.

“You’re allowed to feel mad darlin’ but in his own messed up way, it’s him tryin’ to look after you still.”

“Yeh bet he -“

“Look. I’m not saying he’s right and I already told him I didn’t agree but I know him. Know how cut up he was all them years back when you first left.. he’s never wanted to see you leave.”

“Then why does he just let my mum get to control everything?”

Joel pauses for a moment as if he’s trying to think of what to say next but before he can, the sound of a truck pulling up outside draws both of your attention.

“Hey, anyone home?” You hear your dad’s voice call out.

“Yeh we’re in the kitchen” you shout back.

You’re waiting next to Joel, who’s standing stiffly next to your side when your dad walks through.

Your dad looks at the two of you, giving a nod to Joel who returns the gesture.

“Did erm… did you guys talk?” He looks awkwardly at you.

“Which part? The part where I’m being shipped off to New York again or the part where you’re happy to let it happen?” You reply sarcastically.

The air in the room feels heavy with tension. Your dad flinches at your words, his jaw clenching.

Joel steps forward slightly, his hand hovering near yours in a silent offer of support.

"That's not fair," your dad finally mutters, his voice tight.

"Isn't it?" you challenge, your voice rising slightly. "You haven't even tried to fight it! You just let mum call the shots."

"It's not that simple," your dad defends himself, frustration creeping into his voice. "She threatened..." He trails off, his eyes flickering nervously towards Joel.

Your curiosity piqued, you lean closer. "Threatened what?"

He hesitates, then lets out a defeated sigh. "She said... she said if I didn't support this then she’d make things a lot harder for the both of us."

His words seem to unlock something in your memory. All the times that your dad was made to give up simply to make things simpler, to diffuse the arguments that were on the brink of dropping because your mum’s temper always won and it was just easier to let her have her way. The anger that had been simmering inside you melts away, replaced by a wave of sympathy for your dad. He'd been stuck between a rock and a hard place, trying to protect you in the only way he knew how for a long time now. You’d just been too stubborn and bitter to acknowledge it.

Shame washes over you. You'd lashed out without understanding the whole story.

"Oh," you whisper, the fight completely gone out of you.

Out of the corner of your eye, you see Joel’s hand flinch towards your own as if wanting to hold it in support and comfort.

"Look," your dad continues, his voice softer now. "I know it's not ideal, but if you go back there then it’s not forever. You wanna come back here? Then no issue, you’ll always have a place here. It’s your home. You wanna go elsewhere? Just say the word and I’ll help make it happen.”

You glance at Joel, his expression unreadable. The thought of being in New York, away from him, feels like a punch to the gut all over again but you know that doing this will be the least path of resistance to finally getting what you want.

“Ok” you say in a resigned voice.

***********

The next day you wake up before your alarm goes off. In your mind, you don’t have time to waste rotting in bed. You remember the events of yesterday, the raw emotions, the unexpected revelation about your dad's situation. A heavy sigh escapes your lips. No time for wallowing, you tell yourself, not again.

You throw off the covers, the chill of the morning air a welcome shock to your system, it’s clear your head which is what you need today. There's a new sense of urgency, a determination that wasn't there before. Heading to the bathroom, you brush your teeth and splash cold water on your face, willing yourself to be clear-headed.

Back in your room, you pull out clothes – comfy jeans, a t-shirt you can move in, a light jacket for the ever-changing weather. Every action feels purposeful, a step towards... what exactly? Freedom? A future with Joel? The answer remains hazy, but the desire for control, for taking charge of your own life, burns fiercely within you.

As you make your way downstairs, the bitter aroma of coffee tickles your nose and has you moving quicker towards the source. Your dad sits at the kitchen table, a mug in hand, his face etched with worry lines. He glances up as you enter, a flicker of surprise crossing his features.

"Morning," you greet him, your voice surprisingly steady.

"Mornin’” your dad replies, his voice gruff.

The silence stretches between you, thick with unspoken apologies and lingering tension. You take a seat across from him, the smell of coffee momentarily distracting you.

"Can we talk?" you ask, your voice firm but laced with a newfound empathy you hadn't felt before.

He takes a long sip of his coffee, avoiding your gaze. "Sure," he mutters, setting the mug down with a clatter.

"Yesterday," you begin, choosing your words carefully. "I understand now why you didn't fight mum sending me back to New York. It wasn't because you didn't care."

Your dad finally looks up, a glimmer of relief washing over his features. "No kiddo, of course I care. I just..." he trails off, his jaw clenching.

"She threatened you” It wasn't a question, but a statement.

He nods slowly, a defeated sigh escaping his lips. "She said she'd make things difficult for both of us if I didn't agree."

You can see the weight of those unspoken threats etched on his face. Years of navigating your mum’s volatile temper suddenly click into place. Shame washes over you again, a bitter taste in your mouth.

"I'm sorry," you say, the words barely a whisper. "I didn't understand. I just saw it as you giving up on me."

Your dad reaches across the table, his hand hovering over yours for a moment before gently resting on top.

"No, sweetheart," he says, his voice thick with emotion. "I could never give up on you.. and it’s not your place to say sorry. You should never have to say sorry. You were just a kid and..” his voice trails off. "...and you deserved better," your dad finishes, his gaze heavy with regret.

A lump forms in your throat, the dam of unspoken emotions threatening to burst. You take a deep breath, pushing down the surge.

Tears welling up again, you nod slowly. There's so much you want to say, apologies you want to offer, a lifetime of misunderstandings to clear. But for now, a simple gesture feels most appropriate.

You reach across the table, your hand trembling slightly, and squeeze your dad's. The warmth radiating from his calloused skin speaks volumes. It's a silent apology, a silent understanding, a bridge being rebuilt after years of neglect.

"Can I get you some more coffee, Dad?" you ask, your voice thick with emotion.

He manages a watery smile. "Yeah, sweetheart. That'd be great."

You rise and head over to the coffee machine and wait for it finish when you hear a ping from your phone. You pull out your phone from your pocket and read the text from the person you most want to hear from right now.

*can you come over here for lunch?*

You smile at the message before quickly typing back:

*see you soon*

You walk back to the table and hand your dad his refilled mug.

“Hey, I’m gonna head over to Joel’s soon. Needs some help or something.”

“Oh.. ok, yeh sure. I’ve been meaning to talk to you about him” he says.

“Oh yeh?” You reply as nonchalantly as you can.

“I’m sorry for sending him over to talk to you last night. It should have been me but I didn’t know what to say and he.. he offered to do it” he blurts out.

“Dad, it’s ok. Joel’s a.. good guy. I like him” which is at least the truth. A blush creeps up your neck, warming your cheeks at your own admission.

Your dad gives you a look that falls somewhere between amusement and suspicion. There's a question hanging in the air, unspoken but clear.

"We'll talk about it more later," he says finally, a hint of a smile playing on his lips. "But for now, enjoy your lunch. Have fun.”

"Always do," you reply with a wink, grabbing your bag and heading out the door.

*********

Reaching Joel's place, you find him outside tinkering with the engine of his beat-up pickup truck. Grease streaks his hands, and a frown creases his forehead in concentration. The sight makes your heart clench with a strange mix of fondness and protectiveness.

"Hey there, handsome," you greet him, a teasing lilt in your voice.

He jumps slightly, startled, before a relieved grin spreads across his face.

"Hey yourself," he replies, wiping his hands on a rag. “Didn’t think you’d be round this soon.”

You shrug, trying to appear nonchalant. "Just thought I'd see how my star mechanic was doing."

He laughs, a warm, rumbling sound that sends shivers down your spine.

"Just fixing up my trusty steed for later.”

“Oh yeh? What you got planned for it?”

“Well I can’t be giving out all my secrets now can I?” He smirks at you.

A playful smile dances on your lips.

"Alright, alright, Mr. Mystery. But you owe me after this."

Joel throws his head back and laughs, the sound echoing through the summer air.

"You got it, sweetheart. Now, how about we get this engine purring and then head somewhere for that lunch I promised?"

The warmth in his voice washes over you, a stark contrast to the turmoil of the morning. You nod eagerly.

"Sounds perfect."

As you watch Joel work, the knowledge of your impending departure sits heavy in your stomach. Yet, there's a newfound resolve simmering beneath the surface. You won't let this time be wasted. You'll use it to solidify your connection with Joel, to explore the possibilities that lie between you.

Finally, with a triumphant flourish, Joel declares the engine fixed. You hop into the passenger seat, the familiar scent of leather and motor oil a comforting reminder.

"So, where's this mystery location you have planned?" you ask, buckling up.

Joel winks, a mischievous glint in his eye. "Just trust me, it's somewhere special."

The drive unfolds in comfortable silence, the only sounds the rhythmic rumble of the engine and the occasional bird chirping. As you weave through the countryside, the landscape gradually changes. Rolling fields give way to dense forests, sunlight filtering through the leaves in dappled patterns.

Finally, Joel pulls off the road onto a narrow dirt track. The truck bumps and jostles as you venture deeper, the trees forming a thick canopy overhead.

After a few minutes, the track opens up into a clearing. Your breath catches in your throat as you take in the breathtaking vista before you. A crystal-clear lake shimmers in the afternoon sun, surrounded by lush greenery.

"Wow," you whisper, a sense of awe washing over you.

Joel smiles, a hint of pride in his eyes. "Welcome to my secret spot. Thought it might be perfect for our date."

You turn to him, your heart swelling with emotion.

"It's perfect, Joel. Thank you."

He reaches out, his thumb gently brushing the corner of your eye, wiping away a stray tear you hadn't even noticed forming.

"For what, sweetheart?"

"For everything," you reply, leaning into his touch. "For showing me this place, for being there for me, for..." your voice trails off, the words getting caught in your throat.

"For making you happy?" he finishes for you, his voice barely a whisper.

You nod, tears welling up again. This time, you don't try to hold them back. Instead, you let them fall, a silent expression of the gratitude and affection you feel for him.

Joel pulls you into a tight hug, his arms strong and comforting. You bury your face in his shoulder, the scent of his cologne and fresh air a grounding presence.

In that moment, time seems to stand still. The weight of your impending departure fades into the background, replaced by the warmth of his body and the steady beat of his heart against yours.

For now, you have this. This perfect afternoon, this stolen moment in time, with the man you love in a place that feels like your own private paradise. And as you hold onto him tighter, a silent promise forms in your heart. You won't let this be goodbye. You'll find a way back to him, back to this place, back to the future you deserve.

********

You jump out the truck and walk towards the edge of the lake. The crystal-clear surface reflects the sky above, a perfect mirror of fluffy white clouds and vibrant blue. You crouch down, mesmerized by the view.

Below the surface, sunlight dances on pebbles in a kaleidoscope of colors. A school of fish darts past, their silver scales flashing momentarily before disappearing into the depths.

Suddenly, you feel a hand on your shoulder. You turn to see Joel standing behind you, a picnic basket slung casually over his other arm.

"Ready for lunch?" he asks, his voice warm and inviting.

You nod, a smile spreading across your face. "Absolutely."

He helps you to your feet, his fingers lingering on yours just a touch longer than necessary. You follow him to a shady spot beneath a towering oak tree. He unfolds a checkered blanket on the soft grass, laying out an assortment of delicious-looking sandwiches, fresh fruit, and cans of soda.

As you take a bite of your sandwich, the simple flavors explode in your mouth, a testament to the care Joel put into preparing it. You steal a glance at him, watching him savor his own lunch and once again, your heart just feels full.

The sunlight filters through the leaves, casting dappled patterns on his face, highlighting the crinkles around his eyes and the gentle curve of his lips.

"This is amazing, Joel," you say, your mouth full but your meaning clear.

He chuckles, a rich sound that warms you from the inside out.

The afternoon unfolds in a lazy haze of conversation, laughter, and stolen glances. You share stories from your childhood, your dreams for the future, your deepest fears. He listens intently, offering words of encouragement and understanding. As the sun begins its descent towards the horizon, casting long shadows across the clearing, you find yourself feeling a sense of belonging you haven't experienced in a long time.

“I wish I could freeze this moment in time forever” you whisper, cuddling into the side of him as you watch the sun drop and cast the lake in vivid shakes of orange and red.

A wistful sigh escapes your lips as you voice your wish. Joel turns to you, his brow furrowed slightly in concern.

"Freeze this moment?" he echoes, his voice gentle.

You nod, leaning your head on his shoulder. "Everything feels so perfect right here, right now. The quiet, the scenery, just... being with you."

He reaches up, tucking a loose strand of hair behind your ear. His touch sends a familiar warmth tingling through you.

"I understand," he murmurs, his voice a low rumble against your ear. "There's a certain magic to this place, a peacefulness that seeps into your soul."

You glance up at him, your eyes meeting his. "But magic doesn't last forever, does it?" The unspoken question hangs heavy in the air, a reference to your looming departure.

Joel's gaze softens. "No," he admits, a trace of sadness flickering across his face. "But that doesn't mean we can't capture the essence of it."

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a small, worn leather-bound journal. "I keep this with me," he explains, offering it to you. "Moments like this, places that mean somethin’, I write them down. It's a way of keeping the feeling alive, even when the moment itself has passed. Started doing this when Sarah came along so I could show her when she was grown up.”

Intrigued, you take the journal, its smooth leather pleasantly cool in your hands. Hesitantly, you open it, revealing pages filled with neat handwriting and sketches. Each entry seems to capture a snapshot of a memory, a specific place or feeling described in vivid detail.

"Wow," you breathe, impressed by the care and detail he's poured into each entry. "This is beautiful, Joel."

He smiles, a hint of pride in his eyes. "Why don't you write something about today? About how this place makes you feel?"
You consider his suggestion, the weight of his words settling in. Perhaps freezing a moment in time wasn't about stopping it altogether, but about capturing its essence, its spirit, in a way you could revisit whenever you needed.

With a newfound purpose, you take the pen he offers and turn to a blank page in the journal. Instead of writing, you focus on drawing rough strokes onto the page. The orange hues of the sunset paint the sky and the lake, creating a mesmerizing backdrop for your newfound connection with Joel and with it comes one more thread to connect the two of you together.

As the last sliver of sun dips below the horizon, you cap the pen with a soft click. In the fading light, you hold up your creation: a vibrant sketch of the lake, the fiery sunset bleeding into the cool blues of the water.

But it's not just the scenery you've captured. In the foreground, nestled beneath the sprawling oak, two figures sit nestled close together, their profiles outlined against the fiery sky.

Joel leans over to take a peek, a surprised smile lighting up his face.

"Wow," he breathes, his voice filled with awe. "You really are so damn talented baby girl.”

You blush, a flicker of pride warming your cheeks. "It's not perfect," you murmur, "but it's how this place makes me feel. Happy, safe, seen."

His gaze meets yours, his eyes holding a depth that sends shivers down your spine.

"Seen," he repeats softly, his thumb gently brushing your cheek. "You're more than seen, dsrlin’. You're felt, deeply."

The air crackles with unspoken emotions. Suddenly, the weight of your impending departure comes crashing back. You force a smile, trying to lighten the mood.

"So, Mr. Mechanic and contractor," you say, playfully nudging him, "anything you can do to this truck to make it survive a long-distance journey?"

He lets out a hearty laugh, the sound echoing through the quiet clearing.

"Maybe," he teases, a playful glint in his eyes. "But on one condition."

"And what's that?" you ask, a hopeful flutter in your chest.

He leans in closer, his lips brushing your ear. "You promise to come back. To this lake, to this journal, to me."

The unspoken promise hangs heavy in the air. You meet his gaze, your heart pounding a frantic rhythm against your ribs. This wasn't just about a stolen afternoon anymore. This was about a future, a connection you desperately wanted to hold onto.

Taking a deep breath, you nod, your voice barely a whisper. "I promise."

And he kisses you immediately, sealing that promise between the two of you. The kiss lingers, a warm spark against the cool evening air. You pull away, a little breathless, but a smile spreads across your face.

As you both gaze out at the darkening sky, the stars beginning to emerge one by one, a comfortable silence settles. It's not an awkward silence, but a content one, filled with the unspoken emotions of the day.

Finally, you shiver slightly, the warmth of the afternoon sun long gone. Joel notices and rises to his feet.

"Feeling a little chilly, sweetheart?" he asks, his voice warm and teasing.

You nod, a smile playing on your lips. "Maybe a bit."

He disappears around the back of his truck and returns a moment later with a thick, well-worn plaid blanket.

"This should help," he says, carefully unfolding it on the ground beside you.

You scoot closer to him, the familiar scent of motor oil and something faintly woodsy filling your senses. He drapes the blanket over your shoulders, his touch lingering on your arms for a beat longer than necessary but it fills you with even more warmth.

As you settle in, nestled comfortably beside him, you steal a glance at his profile. The firelight from the setting sun casts long shadows across his face, highlighting the strong lines of his jaw and the crinkles around his eyes.

"Thank you for today, Joel," you say for not the first time today, your voice sincere. "It's been... perfect."

He turns to you, his gaze meeting yours. There's a flicker of something deep in his eyes, something you can't quite place.

"For me too," he replies, his voice low and husky. "More perfect than I could have imagined."

A comfortable silence descends once more, but this time it's charged with a newfound electricity.

As the stars continue their slow ascent, casting a silvery glow over the lake, you lean your head against Joel's shoulder. He wraps his arm around you, pulling you closer, and all you can think of is how you could happily spend the rest of your life exactly like this.

Chapter Text

The next few days pass by at a depressingly fast rate. You get rare stolen moments away with Joel but not nearly as much as you want. Need. Stolen glances across the table as your dad discussed your impending travel itinerary, quick kisses rushed as you sneaked outside when he left. It wasn’t enough. It was never enough.

The frustration growing inside you was gnawing at you, threatening to break free at any given moment. Each second of time that ticked by felt like another grain of sand falling from your fingertips and despite how desperately you tried to catch it, you failed.

Your flight back to New York was at 15:00 in two days time. Two days left to do what exactly? You knew what you wanted to do but actually doing it was another problem in itself.

You were having dinner with your dad and Joel tonight. The conversation was strained as you all tried to avoid the topic of your impending departure. Tonight the tension was palpable. Your dad, oblivious or perhaps intentionally avoiding the truth, chattered about mundane details—the weather, local news, anything but the inevitable farewell. Joel’s eyes held yours across the table, a silent plea. His fingers brushed yours under the table, and you felt the electric charge—a connection that transcended words.
The cutlery scraped against plates, a discordant symphony. You wondered if they sensed the ache in your heart, the desperate need to bridge the gap. The silence was a chasm, and you teetered on the edge, torn between duty and desire.
Joel’s gaze promised everything—the stolen nights, the whispered confessions, the future you both craved. But reality was a cruel mistress. The flight loomed, and you grappled with the decision. To stay, to risk it all, or to board that plane and leave your heart behind?
As the last crumbs of dessert vanished, you made your choice. The words spilled out, raw and unfiltered. “Joel,” you said, your voice trembling, “Can we talk?”

He glanced quickly at your dad before turning back towards you and tilting his head in silent agreement.

You head out to your backyard, Joel following close behind.

“What’s wrong?” He asks gruffly.

“I want to tell my dad. About us” you clarify.

He scratches the back of his neck anxiously. “I don’t know if that will help things.”

You flop ungraciously into one of the lawn chairs and drag your fingers through your hair. “I just think it’ll help if I’m leaving. If he knows then there are no more secrets. We can be together completely” you sigh.

Joel lowers himself slowly into the seat next to you. “Don’t know how well that’ll go down darlin.”

“I just need you there at my graduation. If I can see you there then I know I’ll feel better about the whole thing. It won’t be a case of me going it alone even if my parents are there.”

“You want me at your graduation?” He says, the quiver in his voice giving away how uncertain he is.

“Of course, if you’re not there then it won’t feel like it was worth anything.”

The two of you sit there in comfortable silence, weighing up all your options. The silence stretched, punctuated only by the chirp of crickets. A million thoughts buzzed in your head, but the most prominent was the fear in Joel's eyes. Your declaration had thrown him, and you understood. Coming clean to your dad was a gamble, and Joel, ever cautious, wasn't sure it was the right move.

"Maybe there's another way," he finally ventured, breaking the quiet. "Maybe we can figure something out without involving your dad just yet. Like, long distance? It wouldn't be ideal or for long, but..." His voice trailed off, searching for your reaction.

The ache in your heart intensified. Long distance was a fragile thread, easily broken by miles and time zones. Yet, the thought of not seeing him at graduation, of missing that important milestone together, was unbearable.

“I want you there with me, Joel” you say finally, voice soft.

You reach your hand out to grasp his and although he’s reluctant at first, he holds you back as his thumb strokes gently over your knuckles.

“Ok” he says, simple and to the point.

“Yeh?”

“Yeh.”

Joel sits up after a while, swinging his legs over the chair so they’re facing you. He stretches and his vertebrae crack with a pop that makes you both flinch. You follow suit and allow him to pull you up to stand in front of him. He takes your hand and presses it to his cheek, his stubble scratches your palm in the way you love, making you close your eyes and sigh into the sensation.

The sigh escapes your lips just as your dad steps out onto the porch, his booming voice shattering the quiet intimacy of the moment.

"There you two are! What are you whispering secrets about out here in the dark?"

You jump apart, momentarily forgetting your practiced plan. Joel's hand lingers on yours for a beat too long before he awkwardly shoves it into his pocket.

“Nothing..” Joel grumbles.

You give wide eyes to Joel before glancing at the floor. Your heart is beating so fast that you’re seriously considering calling for medical help.

“Kiddo, you ok?” Your dad asks, concern tinting his voice.

You gulp before glancing back at Joel who’s glaring at the floor.

“I… I need to tell you something..”

You see Joel tense next to you but his dark eyes rise from the floor to lock on yours. Without words you see the conversation passing from them. It’s an unspoken ‘are you sure?’

You give a hardly detectable nod of your head before turning to face your dad again.

“Dad… I need you to listen to me and not speak until I’m finished. Can you do that?”

“Ok you’re scaring me here.. are you ok?” He replies.

You hold out your hand and without words, Joel reaches out and clasps it firmly. No hesitation or uncertainty in it as he holds you as tightly as you hold him.

“What.. what is this?” Your dad says, confusing lacing his words as he quickly looks at your interlaced fingers.

“Dad.. I.. me and Joel…” your voice trails off.

Your dad’s laugh cutting through the quiet night startles you and makes you jump slightly. “No. No, this isn’t happening” he chuckles but you can hear the panic and confusion.

“Yes, dad. This.. us… it’s real” you say as calmly as you can. You know you’re shaking but Joel holds you firmly, reminding you that you’re not alone.

Silence hangs heavy for longer than you can count as being comfortable. It’s your dad who breaks first.

“Joel..”

Joel shifts awkwardly next to you but tilts his head in acknowledgment.

“Move away from my daughter” your dad’s voice is so tight that even you don’t recognise it.

“I don’t-“

“That wasn’t a request” your dad bites out.

You feel Joel shift and go to move but you hold him even tighter against you.

“No! He’s the one good thing to happen to me since I can remember!” You shout.

You see your dad wince in response but you’re too far gone to care.

Your outburst hangs heavy in the air, and your dad stares at you, speechless. Tears well up in your eyes, blurring his angry form. Joel, caught in the middle, looks conflicted – torn between respecting your dad's wishes and standing by your side.

"I... I didn't know," your dad finally says, his voice low and defeated.

Shame creeps into your throat, choking back your anger. You hadn't meant to lash out, but the fear of losing both Joel and your dad's approval felt like a physical weight crushing you.

"I'm sorry, Dad," you whisper, releasing your grip on Joel slightly. "It's just... I care about him a lot. He makes me happy."

A flicker of something unreadable crosses your dad's face. He sighs heavily, rubbing a hand across his brow.

“I should beat the shit out of you” he finally says, looking directly at Joel.

“I wouldn’t stop you” Joel replies solemnly.

Your dad shakes his head again, clenching his eyes tight before straightening up and addressing you both.

“This.. whatever this is, we need to talk about it. But… now is not the time.”

You go to open your mouth and argue but Joel squeezes your arm and it shuts you right up. You can see him shake his head slightly in your peripheral. You snap your jaw shut so quickly you think there’s an audible sound.

Your dad calls your name to follow him but you turn to Joel instead. Your head tilted up due to the height difference and whilst he looks broken, he manages to give you a smile small.

“Joel I…”

Your dad shouts your name again as he heads into the house and you flinch.

“Go on pretty girl, I’ll see you before you go” he says it so softly and tucks a strand of loose hair behind your ear.

You look up at him with shining eyes that are threatening to shed tears but manage to nod. He leans down to press the softest of kisses against your lips and you want to chase those lips for the rest of your life.

“I love you” you whisper.

“I love you too” he whispers back.

************

You have one of the worst sleeps of your life. It’s plagued by nightmares of chasing Joel, he’s stood there in front of you and reaching for you only for you to keep missing his hands. You wake up in an exhausted sweat that’s only punctuated of the anxiety that your dad now knows and he’s pissed about it. Oh and just the small impending date with a flight that’ll take you 4 hours away from him. Great start to the day.

You head downstairs and find your dad sat at the kitchen table, scowling at his breakfast.

“Morning” you offer cautiously.

He looks up and stares at you, looking equally as tired as you feel.

“Morning” he grumbles.

You pour yourself a bowl of cereal and join him at the table in awkward silence. Finally, after a long period of silence he speaks.

“I thought something was going on.”

You raise your eyebrows in response but don’t offer any words. You’re not going to dig your own hole.

“Yeh.. didn’t connect any of the dots together till last night but now it all makes sense.”

“Yeh?” Is the only thing you can offer.

“Yeh. You disappearing all the time. Thought nothing of it but now I think back on it, makes sense” he continues. “Saw him in your room few weeks back when you were away and came out with a piece of paper but didn’t think anything of it… you disappearing with him when your mum was here… him volunteering to talk to you about your mum wanting you back.. guess I’m the real joke here” he laughs but it’s hollow.

“Dad no…” you protest, reaching to him.

“Was it so bad being back here with me?” He asks, his voice cracking slightly.

“No” your voice sounds small even to your own ears. “I came back here and I swear, as much as I wanted to hate it, I felt relieved to finally be here with you and not back with mum.”

He nods like he wants
to agree with you but you can see the hurt in his eyes.

“This thing with Joel… it wasn’t something to get back at you with. I didn’t do it to hurt you.. it just sorta happened..”

“Why him? You know how close I am to him.”

“I…” you try to reach for the words. “He made me feel something I haven’t felt in a long time” you finally admit.

He raises his eyebrows in response to that.

“Dad I.. I really love him” you choke up. “-and I think he really loves me” you push out.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to all this” he says, slumping into his chair, looking suddenly older than his years. “I don’t know if I can be ok with this. He’s known you since you were a kid.”

“I’m not a kid anymore” you say gently, reaching out a hand to cup his.

There’s a soft knock on the door that breaks you apart and you get up to answer it. You open the door to Joel who looks just as disheveled which weirdly puts you at ease.

“Hey darlin’, is your dad there?”

Not the question you expected but you nod and point towards the kitchen. You follow after him and watch the two exchange awkward hello’s. You’re broken from the spell of awkwardness by Joel saying your name and asking if you’ll leave the two of them alone for a moment. You reluctantly agree, giving Joel a final glance before heading up to your room to finish packing.

**********

You’re just finishing packing up when there’s a gentle knocking on your door.

“Come in” you call.

You’re half surprised when it’s Joel who walks in. He gives you a soft smile as he watches you zip up the last of your suitcases.

“You all ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be” you sigh.

He’s leaning against the door frame but eventually straightens himself up. He leans into you, one hand nestling against your hair whilst his stubble scrapes against your temple. The kiss that follows is surprisingly gentle given everything that’s happened over the last 24 hours. His hands cradle your head like you’re something fragile and he’s afraid to break it. You can’t help but think how much he’s holding back to hold you this gently. In response you drag your nails gently against his scalp through his curls that he really should get cut soon but you hope he doesn’t.

“Did you sleep well?” He asks softly?

“Did you?” You challenge him back.

He laughs gently, turning you so your back is against his chest. His fingers tug on your mess of hair that has come free from the braid that you put in last night. You feel the elastic come free. Without even looking, you hear the top drawer of your stand open and before you can say anything, his fingers are shaking out the rest of the braid. He combs through your hair so gently that you could almost imagine that it’s happening. He pays extra attention to the knots that you’d failed to take care of last night in your mental state. It feels like heaven, not just the gentle scrape of the brushes against your scalp but his gentle fingers combing through and brushing softly at your ears. After several moments of this, the brush drops into your lap before his fingers deftly divide your hair up, eventually transforming your hair into a new braid.

“That’s better” he says quietly.

“How did you learn to do that?”

“Sarah” he whispers.

“She’s a lucky girl” you say jokingly.

He responds by planting a soft kiss to your cheek before moving to stand in front of you.

“Today’s the day” he says finally.

“Guess it is… I still don’t think I’m ready though.”

“You’re ready baby” he says earnestly.

He presses his foreheads to yours and clenches his eyes tightly shut.

“This is not the end.”

“You sure?”

“Certain.”

***********

You’re packing your dad’s truck up with your bags when you heard footsteps approach.

“Need any help?” Joel’s gruff voice offers.

“No, we got it.. thanks” your dad replies.

You watch as the two men eye each other cautiously and in better circumstances you’d probably laugh. But this isn’t the time and you already feel anxious enough about having to travel alone again. Your dad snaps the back of his truck up into place before eyeing the two of you cautiously before muttering under his breath that he needed to go check something in the house. It left you and Joel alone and you were grateful for your dad’s awkward grace. He may not be happy about your relationship but he was willing to give this to you before you left.

“I hate flying, you know” you grumble, reaching out to grasp his shirt and pull Joel towards you.

“You’ll be alright” he mutters, pressing his lips to your hair.

“Wish you were coming with me” you grumble into him.

He sighs before holding you at a distance to him. His eyes search your face for something you’re not privy to before reaching to his wrist. He unclasps the watch that’s forever tied to his wrist and doesn’t work and fastens it to your own.

“Great, this will help me make my plane on time” you joke.

“Shut up, smart ass” he replies gruffly. “You can wear this and..”

“And?” You prompt.

“You can think of me, ok? I’ll be with you” he says in a huff, his cheeks flushing pink.

At these words, you push yourself up on your toes, pressing a firm kiss to his lips as your fingers tangle in his hair as his arms wrap round your waist.

“Remember I’m not going anywhere baby” he whispers in your ear.

You’re broken from the spell when your dad awkwardly coughing makes your break alert.

“Just because I know about it doesn’t mean I’m happy about it” your dad says sourly.

You smile sheepishly at him before turning back to Joel.

“I’ll see you soon, yeh?”

“You can count on it, sweetheart.”

“This isn’t goodbye right?” Your voice breaks, tears finally deciding to break free.

“Wouldn’t dream of it” he replies softly, thumb brushing against the tears.

***********

The journey through the airport is hell. It’s the only way to describe it. You managed to get through security and to the departure lounge but then the tears started to fall again. You were a mess. Like a sobbing, disgusting mess that had people glancing at you as you sat in your chair waiting to be called for boarding and staring at the watch on your wrist. You tried to stop it but when you were about to board a flight that was taking you away from the person you loved you then there was really not much that was going to stop your tears. You tried to focus on breathing properly but any time you looked at your phone and thought about Joel, it sent you off into a fresh set of tears.

An old lady with kind eyes sat next to you patted your hand as she handed over a folded tissue .

"Sweetheart," she said, her voice barely a whisper, "whatever or whoever has you crying like this, isn’t worth it."

You half choke out a laugh as you give her a sideways smile. “No… he’s worth it.. I just wish I wasn’t leaving him.”

The old lady smiled, a knowing crinkle around her eyes. "If he’s worth it then he’ll be waiting for you, you know. These things take time, but love does conquer airports, trust me."

Her words, surprisingly, offered some comfort. Maybe it was the gentle lilt in her voice, or the shared experience etched in her wrinkles. You took a deep breath, focusing on the rhythm of your breathing. You pulled out your phone, not to look at pictures of Joel, but to write him a message.

"Just about to board," you typed, your thumbs trembling slightly. "Ugly cried most of the way here, but an awesome old lady reassured me you'll be waiting. Missing you tons. Love you." You hit send, a tiny seed of comfort blossoming in your chest.

**********

Looking out the window, you watched the world shrink below, a vast tapestry of clouds and distant landscapes. It was a daunting image, this vast distance separating you from Joel. But then, you looked down at your wrist, the broken watch a constant reminder. It wasn't about the time, it was about the feeling. And right now, that feeling was a quiet determination, a promise whispered on the wind – you'd get through this, together.
The flight attendant's voice announced the descent into New York. Wiping away the last traces of tears, you straightened your clothes and took a fortifying breath.

***********

The New York airport was a sensory overload. The cacophony of announcements, the hurried throngs of people, the stale air thick with exhaust and coffee – it all slammed into you like a wave. You fumbled with your bags, suddenly remembering just how chaotic this place was.

Suddenly, a text chimed. It was Joel.

*Landed? Text me when you grab your luggage*

You retrieved your bags, the weight a familiar comfort. Fighting the urge to pull out your phone again, you navigated the airport, following the signs for your pre-arranged car service.
The driver, a gruff man named Tony, barely cracked a smile as he loaded your bags into the trunk. "Where to, miss?"
You gave him the address of your mum’s apartment. As the city whizzed past the window, you felt a pang of anxiety and loneliness. You dreaded being back here but it was amplified by knowing Joel wasn’t going to be anywhere near to protect you from that feeling. You sent him a quick text back as the car carried you towards your destination.

*landed safe, just in an Uber on the way to mum’s.. really fucking missing you already. Wish you were here*

Finally, you arrived at the building, a red brick complex that seemed to blend into the bustling cityscape. Dragging your bags up the narrow stairs to the third floor, you unlocked the door, stepping into the familiar space that you’ve been kicked out of only a few months before. You checked the time and noted your mum wouldn’t be due back for a couple more hours from work. Of course she wouldn’t take some time off to come pick you up from the airport and make sure you got ‘home’ safety.

You decided to make a start on unpacking your bags, just to give yourself something to do and keep your mind busy. As you unfolded clothes and arranged toiletries in the shared bathroom, your phone buzzed again. It was a picture from Joel. He was at a familiar coffee shop, the one you’d been to with hin him a few times. He was holding a cup with a familiar inscription - "Joe”.

*they spelt my name wrong again, fucking idiots*

Despite the circumstances, you laughed. Hard. It felt almost cathartic given the circumstances and then your heart swelled several times in size knowing he’d done it because he knew it would cheer you up.

Before you could reply, you heard the front door opening down the hallway and the familiar sound of keys being tossed into the dish on top of the stand in the hallway. You take a moment to breathe before stepping out of your room and heading out to greet your mum as much as you’d rather just lock yourself away for the night.

“You’re home!” You hear her exclaim happily.

You allow her to give you a hug without saying anything in response, your arms dangling awkwardly by your sides.

“I’m here till graduation” you say quietly.

You feel her freeze around you before holding you out at arms length. Her eyes search your face, for what you’re not sure, but you notice that familiar look of irritation whenever she looks at you.

“Well you don’t need to be rushing off after you graduate. It’s not like you’ve got anywhere to go after. Best to stick around and think about what you’re going to do for work” she says matter of fact but it comes off patronising.

“I do have somewhere to go after I graduate” you reply calmly.

Your mum drops her hands from you and takes a step back as she lets out a laugh and a shake of her head.

“Yeh ok sure, I’m sure you’re jumping to go back to that boring pit of a place that your father lives in.”

“No, you’re right” you reply.

She raises her eyebrows at you in surprise.

“Well I guess I should correct you there in a couple of places. I know you’re a bit slow to keep up with the things that make me happy. So yes, you’re right. I’m not jumping to go back to dad’s. However you’re wrong in the fact that my actual ‘home’ is in a place that isn’t boring.”

You see her open her mouth to protest so you quickly cut in again. “And second of all, I’m not going back there just for dad.”

Her eyes narrow at you. “Ok so who else are you going back to that place for?”

“Joel” you reply simply.

She looks at you for longer than makes you feel comfortable before she starts laughing. It’s not a kind laugh, it’s cruel and mocking.

“Got something to say about that?” You challenge.

Her smile finally falters on her face, turning slowly into a grimace.

“You can’t honestly be serious.”

“I am serious and you’re not going to change anything about it. Me and Joel are together and we’re happy. We’re… we love each other.”

She stares at you for a moment before a smirk crosses her face. “You know what? I don’t think I should even be surprised.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well” she says, waving her hand in the air. “You’ve spent most of your life trying to act up and make a scene with things. This is just another one of those things. I will say I’m slightly surprised you’d sink so low that you’d actually try bringing Joel into this. He has been a family friend since before you were born so I’d have thought he’d have better sense than that but still… men will be men I guess.”

Your hands shake with anger at her words. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t I?” She says sarcastically. “I’ve known him longer than you have. I guess part of me knew there was something up otherwise I wouldn’t have gone and spoke to him before I left that god forsaken place.”

You can’t control rolling your eyes at her, she just brings it out of you.

She notices and continues. “A mother always knows these things. That’s why I spoke to him.”

“You’ve never been a mother in your life, don’t start pretending like you knew anything” you hiss.

“Look sweetheart” she sighs. “Trust me when I say that anything you have going on with Joel will never come to anything. You’re lashing out at me and your father as you usually do and Joel? Well… he’s clearly just been swept up in some silly fantasy with a pretty young girl who he has no business being with. It’ll last all of a week when you’re out living in the real world. So just save us all the drama and forget about him and focus on your graduation, finding a job and living a real life.”

You’re incapable of uttering any words after this speech. Your jaw physically hangs open at her audacity to tell you what you should and shouldn’t be doing in your life when she’s never tried to help you with any of it. You spin on your heel and, as you so often have done in this stupid apartment, you march into your room and slam the door behind you.

**********

Graduation day arrives despite how much you’ve been willing it to be forgotten. You’ve spent several days avoiding your mum as best as you can whilst devoting a lot of your time to messaging and calling Joel when you can.

You’d asked him repeatedly if he’d come to the ceremony but so far he’d been evasive and wouldn’t commit to being there. His reasoning so far had been he ‘didn’t want to piss of your parents more than they already were’ which whilst you could understand, it still didn’t make you want him there any less. You’d texted him twice already today and it was only 10am. One message wishing him a good morning and a second asking if he was going to come today. Both messages had so far gone unanswered. It left an anxious feeling in the pit of your stomach which wasn’t helping your already growing nerves about having to go up on stage in front of a lot of people to collect your diploma.

You did your best to put it out of your mind and instead focus on making yourself look more presentable for the day ahead. You took a long shower, the hot water working to ease the tension in your tight muscles. You spent longer than usual on your makeup, focussing on covering the dark circles that had formed over the last week. Finally, you arranged your hair into a respectful mess before slipping on your selected dress for this occasion. It was the one you’d worn when you first stayed over at Joel’s and you were hoping it would bring you some luck. Staring at yourself in the mirror, you wondered how you’d got to this point in your life. It’s broken by the sound of your mum shouting your name from the hallway and as you roll your eyes, you can’t help glancing at your phone to see if you’d got any messages. You hadn’t.

********^*

You arrive at the venue for your graduation. Despite how much you’d told your mum that you didn’t want her there, she still came. Insisting that you were being ridiculous and she wasn’t going to miss her only child’s graduation. Normal people would feel loved by that. You just felt irritated. You thankfully got some time alone to go collect your cap and gown, each piece being handed to you and helpfully fitting over your clothes. You felt ridiculous but you can’t help shake the feeling that Joel would say you looked exactly as you should. Once you were ready to go, you headed out to the waiting area and spotted your dad standing awkwardly next to your mum.

“Hey kiddo!” Your dad calls, his face lighting up. “Look at you!”

He pulls you into a hug and presses a kiss to your cheek which makes you smile.

“Thanks.. I feel like an idiot” you say shyly.

“Hey! No, you look great! I’m so proud of you” he replies, eyes slightly shining.

“Thanks dad” you whisper in response.

“Hey dad, did -“

You’re cut off by your mum. “You look perfect sweetheart, never thought I’d see you here like this.”

You ignore the thinly veiled dig and turn back to your dad. “Did Joel say he was coming?” There’s a hint of desperation to your voice that you don’t care about.

Your dad’s smile fades slightly but he takes your hand in his. “I’ve not spoken to him.. ya know since..”

Yeh you know alright. You don’t miss your mum glaring at your dad but you really are too caught up in your own thoughts to make a scene about it. Before you can ask any follow up questions, the head of your graduation ceremony is calling for people to take their places. Your mum marches off quickly to find her seat without a word to you but your dad grasps your hand and holds it tight.

“I am so so proud of you kid. You’ve done this all by yourself.”

You thought you were all out of tears by this point but you can feel them building as you smile back at your dad.

“Thank you…”

He gives you one final grin before releasing your hand and heading for the seating area. You take a moment to compose yourself before heading off to the backstage.

**********

The wait to hear your name called is mentally killing you. You can’t help but rerunning the process through your head. Stand, walk, don’t trip, shake hands, walk off stage, don’t trip; sit. Simple in practice but Jesus, you’re panicking.

You impatiently wait, frequently wiping your sweaty palms on your gown. God you just want this whole thing to be over with already. You hear multiple names get called and then finally, it’s your turn. You head out on to the stage with shaky legs; your eyes focussed on the man in front of you on stage who’s got your diploma in hand and ready to deliver to you. As you reach out a hand to shake with the department chief, you hear people clap and cheer for you. As you clench your diploma in hand, you turn to the crowd and catch your parents clapping, your dad in particular is on his feet with a wide smile on his face. But something beyond that catches your eye. There’s someone at the back of the seating area, on their feet and clapping and cheering louder than anyone else. It takes you a moment before you register who it is. Joel. A beaming smile on his handsome face as he claps and shouts your name. He’s here. He came for you.

Chapter Text

Things moved quickly after your graduation. You had gone to an awkward dinner with your parents and Joel. You’d quite frankly have ditched your parents to be alone with Joel after what felt like forever but he’d convinced you to go along with it. Awkward wasn’t the word and you didn’t care what your mum had to say about it but you did actually care about your dad accepting the two of you.

You left New York as quickly as you could. Not wanting to waste a single second longer in a place that had never and will never feel like home. You moved back to Texas, first back with your dad before making the transition into living with Joel. You wanted to take your time with it and if he’d had his own way, it would have happened a lot sooner. But you didn’t want to make the mistakes you’d made in the past so you moved cautiously despite how ready you were for it.

It was weird to begin with, with your dad having to accept you were permanently living with his best friend, but he accepted it. He could clearly see how much the two of you loved each other and could see how happy that Joel made you. So with your happiness in mind, your dad graciously accepted the situation.

You and Joel settled into a blissful and happy situation. You both challenged and doted on each other which brought a level of tranquility that neither of you had ever experienced before. You were able to focus on your art that you’d never been able to do before and Joel was often a source of inspiration for you.

***********

Several months Later…

The pride you had felt on the opening night of your first exhibit had overcome you. You had managed to get the whole thing set up by a friend of a friend who was looking at showcasing some local talent.

You’d ranked it the third best night of your life. First being that fateful day of crossing paths with Joel Miller once again at a time when unbeknownst to you, you had needed it more than air to breathe. Second being the first time he’d told you he had loved you. When you were informed you’d sold your first piece of art that night, you couldn’t stop the smile from beaming across your face and Joel was by your side, never once leaving you or looking at you without a furious and overwhelming look of pride and love in his eyes. It wasn’t till the next morning when you walked into his work space outback and saw that the same painting was now taking pride on the main wall that it was just one more reminder of how fiercely he loved you. Some things never changed and as you hugged him and he held you back just as tightly, you knew things never would change. There was a time before Joel, a time during with Joel. But there was never going to be a time after. This wasn’t a tale of happily ever after. This was a tale of forever. To be in the presence of love was to be in the presence of something extraordinary. Love wasn’t something guaranteed in life, some people never found it and for those lucky enough to do so struggled to sustain it and hold on to it. Not you though. You held something extraordinary in the palm of your hand, in the beating of your heart.. and you knew Joel would never let you forget it. You want to show him the love and care that he’s stubbornly refused to accept from anyone else. You want him to feel everything that he makes you feel. He deserves it all. Always thinking of others, protecting his heart from pain and just existing in life. It made your heart ache for the reliable, stoic man who couldn’t or refused to accept the feeling of love. You were two sides of the same coin, both unwilling to accept love but wanting to give everything you had to one another. It was a constant battle sometimes.. these growing pains you were both having to adapt to, simply to receive unconditional love once again. Yet with pain comes something all the more sweeter. A feeling you’d fight for every day. It’s given you Joel, and you wouldn’t have it any other way.

The end.

Chapter Text

2 years later.

“Joel!” You shouted from the kitchen.

No response. You rolled your eyes, sighing to the empty room around you. Of course he didn’t hear you. Stupid selective hearing.

“Joel!” You shouted louder this time.

You waited a few moments before you heard heavy steps moving your way.

“Jesus woman, are you trying to wake the whole ass neighbourhood?” He muttered but smiled indulgently at you, wrapping a cloth around his grease covered hands.

“Well if you cared to listen the first time, I wouldn’t have had to shout” you teased, closing the space between the two of you and pressed a soft kiss to his lips which he retuned.

“Kiss me like that again and I can’t be blamed if you get this grease on you” he smiled against your mouth.

“Keep your filthy paws off me” you muttered against his lips.

You feel his smile against your mouth before you see it. You’d never get tired of this, of him winding you up to no end but you really wouldn’t have it any other way.

His hands circled your waist in response, as if daring you to pull away. You considered it for only a moment before circling your arms around his neck and pulling him even closer to you.

“Menace” you whispered.

He only laughs in response, pulling you tighter.

“What do you need? Y’ know, since all the hollering you just made” he asks, an eyebrow raised.

You pause a moment. Wondering what to say. “I.. um.. it’s our anniversary tonight, I was wondering if you wanted to do something to celebrate..” you stuttered.

He laughs at that, a low rumbling sound that seems to echo through your bones. His eyes seem to soften to that shade of brown that you associate with melted chocolate.

“Darlin’ I already told you I planned something for us the other night, don’t tell me you forgot already?” He smirks at you, pressing his face into your hair.

“Right.. of course. Sorry, I don’t know why I asked” you said softly, placing your hand against his chest.

His eyes scanned you quickly. “You ok?”

“Yeh I’m fine” you said, reassuringly as possible.

He nodded in response. “Ok give me an hour to clean up here and then we can head out?”

“Sounds good” you replied.

You watched as he headed back out to the garage. You waited a few moments before turning and heading upstairs.

You walked into your shared room and found yourself staring at the unmade bed. The duvet was half on the floor, the pillows were at odd angles, and you briefly considered making it before your eyes caught your own reflection in the mirror. You looked tired, the dark circles under your eyes were a little too prominent, and you knew you'd have to put on more makeup than usual tonight to cover it all.
You reached for the makeup bag on the vanity and sighed. It was a good night, a lovely night.

You'd go out to dinner with Joel and everything would be fine. But a part of you couldn't help but feel a little… off. He had planned a big anniversary surprise for you. And it would be wonderful. You knew it would. He was always so thoughtful.

You could hear him humming in the garage below as you started to work on your makeup. He was always humming. Usually some cheesy 80s rock song that he loved, the kind of song that made you roll your eyes biut secretly, you'd find yourself humming along to it too. It was just another thing you loved about him. Just one of the little things that made up a big part of your life now.

You shook all thoughts from your head as you got ready. You switched on your favourite playlist as you styled your hair and pulled on the dress that you knew would have Joel struggling to keep his hands off you all night.

****************^*

The years after your graduation hadn’t been easy to get to this easy place you’d found together. In fact it had felt living through hell for a good chunk of time even though it was nothing at all in the grand scheme of things.

It had involved a lot of travelling back and forth to each other to try and steal valuable quiet moments together amongst all the chaos that was happening in those initial moments. Mainly from your family. The amount of times you’d been questioned by your mother asking if you were happy throwing away your life for a man old enough to be your father had given you countless migraine and eye strains from the amount of times you’d rolled them. Your dad, whilst more supportive, was still worried. You appreciate the concern, you did, but god if it didn’t grate on your nerves.

Joel was great through it all. He listened to everything you had to say and reassured you throughout every rant you threw his way. He really was your rock throughout the storm. You’d also managed to drag him (kicking and screaming it felt like) into the 21st century by making him buy a new phone so you could FaceTime each other. His sarcastic barbs your way were immediately wiped out every time you called and you saw his eyes light up when he saw you on the screen. God you loved that man with every fibre of your being.

Before you knew it, you were flying back to where home really was. Back to Joel.

You dove head first into it all with him. Those few months apart before graduation and post it were enough to tell you all you needed to know. Your heart wasn’t whole unless you were back in his arms permanently. So that’s what the two of you did and you’d never looked back.

******************

Joel's truck was a familiar sound, a low rumble pulling up to the curb that vibrated through the floorboards.

You gave yourself one last look in the mirror, smoothing down the front of your dress. You looked good. More importantly, you looked happy. The kind of happy you always looked when you were going to meet him.

You grabbed your purse and headed downstairs, a soft smile already in place. The front door opened just as you reached the bottom of the stairs. He stood there, leaning against the door frame, a crisp button down shirt on, a stark contrast to the grease stained hands from earlier. He’d cleaned up well. His eyes, the color of melted chocolate, swept over you, and a genuine, full wattage smile spread across his face.

"Damn, darlin'," he said, a low whistle escaping his lips. "I think I just found my present."

You laughed. "Don't get any ideas," you teased, walking past him and out the door.

He followed, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you close as you walked to the truck. He opened the passenger door for you, and the smell of his aftershave filled the small cab. It was a familiar scent, one that always brought you comfort.

He started the engine, and the low hum of the truck filled the silence. He reached over and took your hand, lacing his fingers with yours. His thumb rubbed small circles on the back of your hand, a quiet comfort that he’d done a thousand times before. You squeezed his hand back, and he smiled.

"You look beautiful," he said, turning his head to catch your eyes. "I'm a lucky man."

You felt a lump form in your throat. He was so perfect. So kind. You squeezed his hand again, this time with a little more force. "I'm the lucky one," you said, your voice barely a whisper.

Comfortable silence filled the truck as he drove. His hand rested gently against yours as he drove.

“You’re quiet today, should I be worried” he laughed, eyes darting once over to look at you before focussing on the road.

“No, of course not” you said simply. “I just..”

“Baby you’re worrying me” he said, his brows furrowing as his eyes switched between focusing on the road and you.

“Just keep driving idiot” you teased, keeping his hand in yours.

He eventually pulled into the parking lot of your favourite restaurant. He switched the engine off and turned to you.

“Ok, just tell me what’s going on because I’m this close to freaking out.”

You smiled softly. It was now or never. Yet you couldn’t say it. Not yet. You unlaced your fingers from his, and his hand felt cold without yours there.

You reached for your purse and pulled out the small, wrapped box you'd been carrying all day.

"I have something for you," you said, your voice a little shaky. "Happy anniversary."

He took the box, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "But I told you, I've got something planned..." he trailed off as he carefully unwrapped the paper.

His hands, still slightly rough from the garage, were surprisingly gentle. He opened the small white box to reveal a single, tiny, knitted bootie and a pregnancy test with two distinct lines.

His face went blank. He stared at the contents of the box for what felt like an eternity, his eyes darting from the bootie, to the test, and then to your face.

He was silent, and the fear you’d been carrying all day began to bubble up. Did he not want this? Was he disappointed?

You felt tears welling up in your eyes as you waited for a response. "Joel?" you whispered.

He didn't speak. He just slowly put the box down on the center console and reached for your hand. He brought it up to his lips and kissed your knuckles, a soft, reverent gesture. When he finally looked at you, his eyes were full of tears.

"A baby?" he choked out, his voice a broken whisper.

You nodded, tears of your own now streaming down your face.

"A baby," you confirmed.

He pulled you into a tight embrace, one of his hands on the back of your head, the other on your back. He held you so tightly you could barely breathe, but you didn't care. You felt his body shake with quiet sobs.

"I...I can't believe it," he finally said, pulling back to look at you, his face wet with tears. "A baby...our baby."

He kissed you then, not with the playful passion from earlier, but with a deep, consuming emotion that left you breathless. "This is the best anniversary gift I could ever have asked for," he whispered, his forehead resting against yours. "I love you. So much."

“I love you too” you whispered back. “So much.”