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2023-07-24
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The Way of the Househusband

Summary:

Zhao Yunlan vs household chores feat Shen Wei's existential crisis

Notes:

Inspired by this art by baiyubai

(See the end of the work for other works inspired by this one.)

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Heipaoshi was a professional, a strict but just liaison between Haixing and Dixing, a true advocate of peace and communication between the nations.

He was calm, collected and diplomatic. He spoke to others in measured tones and never betrayed any emotions in front of civilians, and co-workers, even if, hypothetically, he had just witnessed Zhao Yunlan throw himself into the path of a charging Youchu to save Xiao Guo. 

Heipaoshi was above such concerns. 

Shen Wei in turn, was livid. 

It didn't help the matter that Zhao Yunlan seemed to be absolutely unrepentant and unapologetic, joking with his team and with the civilian police officers gathered at the site with the ease of a person that has just enjoyed a funny adventure and not a life-threatening event.

Shen Wei was definitely not amused. 

"Heilao-ge!" Zhao Yunlan exclaimed, coming closer with a smile that under any other circumstances would be thoroughly charming. 

Shen Wei decided to hold onto his displeasure and project it enough for everyone to know that the stoic and professional Heipaoshi did not approve of suicide rescue missions at all, especially if Chief Zhao was involved, but his feelings were absolutely professional. 

Something almost tender shone in Yunlan's eyes when he glanced at lips visible under the mask, and this was enough to distract Shen Wei - in the next second, his sourness was kissed away by mouth too bold and too beloved to be denied. 

In his surprise, Shen Wei didn't exactly kiss back, still aware of the audience they had, but Zhao Yunlan retreated as quickly as he had attacked, looking at Shen Wei with adoration that was truly disarming. 

Around them, the crowd held their breath, seemingly waiting for the revered Heipaoshi's reaction to such an improper behaviour, and if Shen Wei had any ounce of care for his good name he would have at least teleported away. 

But then Zhao Yunlan would worry. 

"We will talk at home," Heipaoshi finally muttered, making the SID Chief grin brightly. 

Behind them, someone let out a loud shocked gasp.

Heipaoshi remained calm and collected, looking ahead despite the redness burning at his neck.

 

 

"You can't keep on doing that, Yunlan," Shen Wei said when they stepped out of the portal at their home. 

"I know, I should never do anything that could compromise the integrity and authority of Heipaoshi. I shouldn't have kissed you," Zhao Yunlan replied, throwing himself onto the coach in an uncoordinated manner, kicking off his shoes while at it. 

Shen Wei's eyes followed the trajectory of the shoes with something like contemplation, which was surprising - if anything, Zhao Yunlan expected annoyance. Actually, he shouldn't be throwing stuff around, Shen Wei had just cleaned the apartment after all, but some habits died hard. 

He got up to pick up the shoes and move them to the corridor, when Shen Wei said:

"I wasn't talking about the kiss." Oh. Zhao Yunlan dutifully put his shoes away before turning to look at his partner. It was always wise to show some care for their home before being ripped a new one for something unrelated. 

There was an odd glint of concentration in Shen Wei's eyes, one that he got whenever he was thinking about a problem he could solve with means he didn't particularly like. So, something connected to Zhao Yunlan.

Sitting back on the sofa, Yunlan went through the events of the day, trying to pinpoint the exact point of concern.

"It's about the Youchu, isn't it?" He wasn't surprised when Shen Wei sat down on the sofa next to him, nodding sadly.

"I know that it's natural for you, to protect others and I don't begrudge you that. But you never take care of yourself, your health or your home, and I am happy to do it for you when I am here but... There will be days when I won't be. When I will be needed in Dixing for longer, or when we go to Phoenix city on a conference and... I fear leaving you, Zhao Yunlan," Shen Wei confessed, as if he was revealing the darkest secret of his soul.

Zhao Yunlan thought about it a moment: about the kiss at the crime scene and about Shen Wei's behaviour upon their return. He turned to look at Shen Wei's perfect profile and asked:

"That I will be run over by an angry unicorn when you are not looking, or that I would starve myself and be swallowed by the undone laundry before the week is over?"

Shen Wei's tactful silence told him everything he needed he know.

It was oddly charming, even if a bit insulting. Not that Zhao Yunlan didn't deserve the low opinion Shen Wei had of his survival skills, but despite being so smart and so observant, Shen Wei was still, after all this time, blind to one thing. Maybe this was the time to teach him.

"Alright, let's make a bet."

Shen Wei's eyebrows travelled up in silent question. Okay, so maybe the wording wasn't the best, reminding them both of that moment of hanging in the Hallow's dimension, but they've won that one, so Zhao Yunlan would take that as a good omen.

"This week, I am in charge of the house. You are banned from touching anything - you don't clean, don't cook, don't do the laundry. You just live the fantasy of the average working husband and come back home to rest and enjoy." He said that with laughter, more joking than anything, but if possible, Shen Wei turned even more solemn.

"Yunlan, I don't require you to please me by doing housework, I-"

Yes, definitely blind to some things. It was adorable really, and more than a little sad.

"-I am not offering that to appease you. You don't believe I can take care of myself, I don't agree with the hypothesis. So now we have to research it, that's what you science-y types do, is it not? And indeed, if it's on the job, I will try to protect others because this is what I should do, but at home? I will prove to you that I will not be vanquished by unwashed dishes. Just give me a week." Here, Zhao Yunlan finally moved to throw his arms around Shen Wei's neck and watched him relax a little.

After a moment of hesitation, clearly not sold on the idea, finally Shen Wei acquiesced:

"I am compelled to tell you that odds are against you. The dishes as of now have the strength in numbers."

Zhao Yunlan kissed him for that, a plan forming in his head.

 

 

Getting up in the morning was probably the worst of it. Washing up the dishes yesterday was almost nice - Zhao Yunlan put on some music to sing to and managed to clean the sink off the bowls and pans and whatever else Shen Wei used to feed them.

Maybe a dishwasher was another step in their relationship to consider, but Zhao Yunlan would wait with popping the question for after the week was done - he would not admit to any weakness earlier. 

The alarm was getting very insistent now and all of Zhao Yunlan's cells refused to move especially since there was no job-related reason to be awake at such ungodly hour, but that hesitation was gone the moment he felt Shen Wei stir next to him. 

"No, no, sleep. You should be up in an hour the earliest," Yunlan whispered, leaving a kiss on Shen Wei's cheek and delighting in the fact that instead of protesting, the revered Heipaoshi obeyed and sunk into the pillow. 

Zhao Yunlan was used to waking up way later, always wondering why Shen Wei wasted time simply watching him sleep, but having the beloved face right in front of him, perfectly at ease and with no care in the world, he finally began to understand. 

There was something magical in being allowed to see Shen Wei like this. Maybe this bet would bring more profits than Zhao Yunlan initially assumed it would. 

With the last look at Shen Wei, he finally dragged himself out of the bed and headed for the kitchen. 

Now came the hard part. 

Everything required practice to be good at and cooking was definitely not something Zhao Yunlan did pretty much ever - there was a reason why Da Qing still told everyone willing to listen that he had once tried to feed him mice when he was a kid, just so that he would eat something with minimal nutrition value.

Zhao Xinci didn't care much about food after his wife's death, so he usually brought home pre-prepared meals that didn't look too fun and inviting but had at least one vegetable in them. As an adult Zhao Yunlan appreciated that solution and embraced it for years, but Shen Wei deserved much better than a store-bought meal. 

He also deserved better than mild food poisoning, so Zhao Yunlan had to choose something that would be really hard to screw up, even without the experience needed to be a good cook. 

Tea sounded safe, but as for the main dish... Shen Wei was not fond of experiments in the kitchen, but he didn't seem to have problems with such things as sandwiches, so while not exactly traditional and certainly not anywhere close to what Shen Wei prepared for them on a daily basis, sandwiches and a boiled egg seemed like a good choice. 

Good and not very time-consuming.

Zhao Yunlan managed to follow the online instructions of how to boil an egg rather well considering the fact that neither of the four he had prepared betrayed any wish to fall apart or melt in his hand when he took them out of the cooled pan. Rather pleased with himself he moved to the bathroom, where his change of clothes was already waiting, hidden away from Shen Wei's gaze the night before. 

It wouldn't make such an impression if he saw it not at the right moment. 

With a few minutes to spare before Shen Wei's alarm sounded, Zhao Yunlan took his time to trim his beard to look almost respectable, and to put on the black shirt of his choice.

It was, truthfully, ironed by Shen Wei a long time ago, but since Zhao Yunlan wore shirts only under duress and external pressure (Shen Wei), it was the only one he had, and there was little sense to wrinkle it up just so he could seduce Shen Wei with his mad ironing skills. 

That was a nice thought for later however, it might even work considering the intensity of Shen Wei's gaze he had felt on his back yesterday while he was washing the dishes. 

Satisfied with the results in the mirror, Zhao Yunlan walked to the bedroom to wake Shen Wei and bask in the surprise his new, serious looks were sure to garner. 

"It's time, dear," Zhao Yunlan whispered, leaning down to tickle Shen Wei's ear with his freshly cut goatee and delighting in the small frown of discomfort on Shen Wei's face.

But it all got that much better when Shen Wei opened his eyes and just blinked at him without a word, staring at Yunlan as if he couldn't quite believe this was real. 

Considering the fact that Zhao Yunlan also couldn't quite believe he was awake at such an unholy hour, that made two of them.

"I prepared breakfast, when you are ready," he said out loud, just to make it all even more weird for them both, and something like worry creeped into Shen Wei's frame and that was... Well, deserved, but also all the more reason for Shen Wei to get up and be proven wrong. 

"Yunlan, are you... Alright?" Shen Wei asked, his voice heavy with sleep but his mind already latching onto yet another thing it can worry about. 

"Very alright, very awake, and also very worried that the food will go cold," Zhao Yunlan replied, batting his eyelashes for a better effect. Shen Wei was still stuck there, sitting up in the bed and staring at Zhao Yunlan as if he was a mythical creature.

Well, it was the time to use the heavier weapons. "I woke up earlier to make sure it will be warm and ready for you." He barely managed to finish the sentence when Shen Wei got up and strode straight into the bathroom, moving around it in haste. 

It was cute and absolutely worth the dire need for coffee Zhao Yunlan felt now. 

The breakfast was a rather silent affair, with Shen Wei eating the eggs and the sandwiches with concentration of a culinary critic, and for a moment, Zhao Yunlan was worried that he did, in fact, fuck something up. But his own food tasted fine and he didn't commit any crimes against tea, so he was rather lost as to why Shen Wei's mood got worse with each bite. 

"Is it not... Does it taste bad?" He asked, not dealing well with the silence. 

On the other side of the table, Shen Wei jolted. 

"No! It's... It's very good, thank you." Zhao Yunlan was an expert in all things Shen Wei, and he even had a separate catalogue in his mind for the Many Lies Of Professor Shen, so he was aware that it was not one. Shen Wei truly enjoyed the breakfast, and yet there was something sad about him now, as if the fact that Zhao Yunlan had not killed them dead with an atrocity from hell disappointed him somehow.

Then again, maybe he was just unused to the role reversal - Zhao Yunlan decided to wait and observe him until the evening before making any hasty decisions.

After kissing Shen Wei goodbye and watching him go to the university on foot, Zhao Yunlan drove to the SID by car, like an actual adult with an adult job and entered the building in a rather good mood, only to be greeted with: "Oh no, what happened to you now?!" coming from Da Qing.

"I don't look that bad!" He defended, because he really did not - in a shirt and an actual jacket of a good quality he looked like every career man ever. Or an actual officer of the law.

"We live in the darkest timeline now," Lin Jing muttered from above his keyboard, and Zhao Yunlan decided that this was enough of adulting for today.

A quick nap in his office might lift his spirits.

 

 

This time Zhao Yunlan did not waste time bullying his underlings by adding additional duties to their schedules, nor did he amuse himself with composing three different polite 'fuck yous' aimed at the Xingdu Ministry and their new budget program, no. 

Today Zhao Yunlan left the work on time and drove to buy fresh produce to prepare dinner from. He might even try for some homemade noodles while he was at it, just to watch Shen Wei's eyebrows climb higher on his lovely face. 

Since he was not exactly very well-versed in the art of doing the grocery shopping, he drove to the supermarket he used to visit when he accompanied Shen Wei - it was close enough and there were small chances of him getting lost searching for spices, since he had the layout of the place pretty much memorized. 

Zhao Yunlan was half-way through his shopping list, painstakingly prepared in the morning with the help of his phone and online forums, when he noticed a rather familiar shape hiding behind the shelves. 

"Professor Shen, have you witnessed another crime that you don't want to be accused of?" He asked sweetly, not rising his eyes from the rows of carrots displayed in front of him. He knew Shen Wei would still hear him, and indeed, a few moments later he was joined in at the vegetable stall by a rather embarrassed love of his life. 

"I didn't expect to see you here," he said, his tone apologetic and adorably confused. 

When Zhao Yunlan looked up, he noticed the faint blush on Shen Wei's cheeks that he was clearly trying to fight off. Either he was very embarrassed or Zhao Yunlan looked really good bending over in these clothes. Maybe both. 

"I promised to look after the house for a week, that includes cooking." The moment the words left Zhao Yunlan's mouth, Shen Wei's expression fell a little. 

"Do you not wish me to?" The stubborn silence made all of Zhao Yunlan's previous good mood evaporate completely. He stopped smiling and regarded Shen Wei with his full attention. 

"Shen Wei. Is it about the breakfast? Was it really that bad? I can try better, you can give me pointers if you want-" Shen Wei's gaze turned slightly pained. 

"The food was fine," he repeated dully, and Zhao Yunlan started to wonder if their first actual, down-to-earth relationship crisis would happen over cold tea and in the fresh produce section of a local supermarket to add to the drama, but Shen Wei chose that moment to catch Zhao Yunlan's hands in his in a gesture of rather desperate reassurance. "It really was, I enjoyed it a lot."

It didn't seem like he was lying. Zhao Yunlan decided to continue the investigation then. 

"Is it about the clothes?"

Shen Wei's face did something really interesting here, but he shook his head. 

"Me watching you sleep?" As predicted, Shen Wei ducked his head at that, the faint blush making another triumphant return on his face. Cute, but not very informative. 

Zhao Yunlan was running out of ideas here, if he was perfectly honest, because he couldn't recall any other crimes against Shen Wei's tastes and sensibilities. 

"Is that a laundry detergent?" Shen Wei asked unexpectedly, his gaze fixed at Zhao Yunlan's basket. 

"Yes, we are running low and I plan to do the laundry this evening." Here, Shen Wei frowned again, with a feeling. 

If Zhao Yunlan didn't know any better he would say it seemed like he was jealous of something here, but what? The washing machine? Zhao Yunlan being all alone with their sheets to caress them tenderly when Shen Wei wasn't looking? 

People had different hobbies but he never suspected Shen Wei had that many feelings about the laundry, and they've been living together for a while now. 

Then, another idea, simple and brilliant in its obviousness entered Zhao Yunlan's mind. 

"Xiao Wei, would you like to help me with the shopping? I probably missed something when I prepared the list this morning." The change to Shen Wei's entire posture was staggering. He brightened up as if Zhao Yunlan had just announced that Zhao Xinci got fired. 

In much better spirits, Shen Wei took the phone from Zhao Yunlan's hand and went through the list, nodding to himself and checking which of the items were already accounted for. 

"The list is very good," Shen Wei said approvingly, "we just need some more sesame oil, and I think you could use a new razor." And with that, Shen Wei gently steered Yunlan away from the carrots and led them both back into the amazing world of toiletries. 

Zhao Yunlan's suspicions grew stronger. 

 

 

It all came to an end while he was trying to make dinner. He was doing quite fine with it too, he added the meat at the right moment, his vegetables weren't chopped that badly and the rice cooker still wasn't on fire - Zhao Yunlan was not in danger of being struck by lightning sent from the heavens by his mother for being an absolute disgrace. 

And yet it was hard to feel good about his culinary success when he was accompanied by Shen Wei, sitting at the table and radiating absolute misery each time Zhao Yunlan gently asked him to leave the cooking alone. 

He had also, quite delicately, herded Shen Wei away from the washing machine (the laundry was already put on), from the sink ("I will do the washing after we eat, no sense to do it now"), and from the plants ("I watered them this morning, I promise"), so that Shen Wei could channel his inner traditional husband and either relax after work or finish up checking the essays. 

Shen Wei clearly didn't meet a definition of rest that he liked and understood because instead of doing any of that he just observed Zhao Yunlan from the safety of the table with airs of a man watching a funeral. 

It was really hard not to take it as a personal statement pertaining to Zhao Yunlan's cooking abilities, but considering his theory from the supermarket, it probably wasn't the case. 

"Shen Wei. Are you worried because I am not that bad about taking care of the house?" He finally asked after adding chilli to the pan. 

When he turned to look, Shen Wei's face changed from miserable into guilty. 

Another one for team Zhao. 

Leaving the food to fry happily without his presence, Zhao Yunlan walked to the table and took a seat opposite Shen Wei, to look him in the eye. 

"See, that's why I wanted to have this bet in the first place. It's not that I don't know how to take care of myself. I do, I just never did it before."

Shen Wei nodded sadly, as if Zhao Yunlan had confirmed his worst nightmares. 

"I know. I never wanted you to feel like I was looking down on you, I simply... I like taking care of you," Shen Wei replied softly, his gaze open and afraid like it used to be ten thousand years ago, when they first met. When he still couldn't believe Kunlun could find him interesting. "I do like you relying on me." 

It was Zhao Yunlan's turn to nod, waiting for Shen Wei to continue. 

"I am worried that you will become ill, or will be hurt when I am not here, but I also take pride in being the one to protect you and give you a home." The words were hesitant, taken from deep inside Shen Wei's heart, and so Zhao Yunlan didn't interrupt - he simply put his hand on Shen Wei's. 

"It is a relief to see that you will be fine alone, but it's also..." Here, Shen Wei trailed off, giving Zhao Yunlan a lost look. 

Thankfully for him, Yunlan was very well-versed in Shen Wei language of love and self-criticism. 

"You also fear that it means that I don't need you quite as you thought I did," he finished, giving Shen Wei's hand a reassuring squeeze."But it's quite the opposite, my love. It's one thing you still miss about us - I am willing to care for myself, but only because you are here."

Shen Wei blinked at him, clearly not understanding. 

"I take risks, yes. But I am willing to learn to cook, and to care about the colours I put in the laundry, I will even buy vegetables when I have to, because I want to do better for you. Not for me. For you," Zhao Yunlan said, not fighting off the smile." You told me you fear leaving me for a conference and as much as I would love to tell you that yes, I will die the moment you stop looking at me, I don't want you to worry about me always, every minute of the day."

There was a small smile on Shen Wei's face now, so that was good. 

"You want me to worry about you just half of the time?" He asked, his tone teasing, and well, Zhao Yunlan was only a man. 

"You do look exceptionally dashing when you are furious and overprotective, I would hate you to stop," he countered, looking up at Shen Wei from underneath his lashes. 

Shen Wei's smile got wider, his expression more relaxed and assured. 

"You have proven your point. You've won the bet."

"It wasn't a full week." Not that Zhao Yunlan really looked forward to getting up so bloody early, plus he would probably run out of easy dishes really soon, so only his weak sense of pride refused to accept the easy way out right away. He really hoped Shen Wei would insist though. 

"I don't think I could manage a whole week of this," Shen Wei replied all too seriously and well - Zhao Yunlan was not going to argue with that. 

"Admit it - you hated the breakfast." He was joking, there was no way he did something wrong with it, but a barely concealed amusement on Shen Wei's face was hard to miss. 

"The food was really good," he said, his wonderful smile finally back where it should be. "But the tea was atrocious. It's green, Yunlan, it should be delicate."

Zhao Yunlan undignified protests were drowned by the frying pan, announcing with happy cracking that the meat was ready. 

Yeah, Zhao Yunlan couldn't manage a week like this either. 

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